Day 341 – A moment of doubt vs Facts

IMG_9494Stabilizing within Self-forgiveness.

Continuing from yesterday’s blog.

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have allowed myself to fall into fear of loss and doubt experience and started to judge myself as ‘I did not do all what I could for what I committed myself to accumulate’ and within that believing that if I doubt, fear – that obviously means that I did not do everything I could, all I did was not good enough and not real, thus it’s no question that my experience of ‘fear and doubt’ is right and true, thus my judgement of myself is righteous, the justification for my fear, doubt and worry to accept is righteous, thus I give into the instability and fear.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if there is someone who I value very much, I perceive that judges, doubts or misunderstands me, that must be automatically true, thus start fearing and worrying, assuming and doubting myself without cross-referencing, looking, seeing and understanding facts.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to value and trust my action, self-honesty, consistency and commitment, direction and movement but actually trust my doubt, fear more than facts, reality and practical common sense.

Writing this very sentence down right now to see this pattern in front of me for the first time in my life – is invaluable. (The first Self-forgiveness statement)

I am grateful to be able to see this point. Never this clearly before. This is why I not just write my blog at home under the bed, but SHARING it, as this process is effective.

Facing self, points, reactions, fears, understanding the patterns I and my mind and body constitute as one and equal to be able to stop participating within self-dishonesty is the very essence of the Process of Self-honesty, referred as Journey to Life. From Consciousness system to Living Awareness.

Continuing with the actual pattern: It’s like how polarity works – specifically positive thinking. It’s just one tiny, singular miss-step, one moment of a thought self-defined as negative is enough to infest my whole positivity and fall into it – thus proving the whole thing to be just a fa├žade, a mirage. My relationship with the point yes, but in terms of accumulated consequences? Not necessarily!

It’s like the whole Process of finding out and start living as Self-honest, first at moments, then more moments, and then to be able to move and interact like that, to correct in real time, and then if I make mistake, or even I feel I have failed, fallen, I go back to the basics and write more, apply more self-forgiveness, understand further and specify, not only with writing, but sounding, to resonate the voice, to hear if there is any doubt, reaction, association, to look there too, to clarify, further specify and cross-reference until to the utmost specificity and see all clearly.

And even if one walks this process since years, can be ‘fucked up’ for a moment, or even for an hour – but then – the whole process already walked is not disappearing, oh no!

I re-align, I ground myself back here and I continue walking, no matter what, who I am is not a choice, or if it is, I am still figuring out what it means, what are the potentials, of who I can be, thus it’s actually never done, but expanding day by day, moment by moment. Thus never allow a fear or doubt to make you believe that can invalidate true commitment, real dedication to become principled with all life!

In relation to my doubt and fear – I know that I have been pushing a point since months consistently, every single day, not literally sure that I did ALL I could do as there could not have been done BETTER – but who I was every day, according to that, I pushed myself to the limits.
Thus, to doubt myself, or to anyone doubt me within the actual application is actually irrelevant – yet if I can be fallen into worry, fear based on anyone’s opinion – then it’s my doubt within myself and nothing to do with anyone else but self here.

‘Irrelevant’ maybe not in totality if the person is relevant in my life, but in terms of giving into doubt and fear – completely.

It still can be that my actual communication, interaction, sharing can be adjusted, aligned, improved – yet I have to be able to see what is good, what is not, and there is no such thing that ‘all of myself, altogether is full of shit’ – specify, document, cross-reference everything and practical understanding prevails.

If I look into myself, I directly see, understand and realize that I had no singular doubt, except that day I have explained in my previous blog, and within that point and emotional reaction’s nature, I also revealed that it was not really a single doubt, but a consequence of energetic reactions, somewhat related to my actions, yet it’s not related to my commitment, action and direction.

The doubt was also partly of the extent of ‘leap of faith’ – ‘vulnerability’ and facing Unknown – and how else could I fear the Unknown, as I have already some idea and imagination about it? Thus it’s not real, the doubt is not valid. Thus I saw that point, I re-align and I move forward. I should not judge myself, a child when learns walking or talking, also does not give up, does and does and does until it’s done, fact, here.

Thus I recognize that I should trust action and facts, movement and direction, and even if for a moment I allow myself to be mesmerized by ANY fear – I shall look facts, action and direction, focus to movement and realize that if I invalidate all I have already done by any kind of fear, then I should not judge the whole being of myself and all what I have done, as if I follow the spiral of emotion, the energy, the storm, the instability, uncertainty, sadness and doubt – but to immediately ANCHOR myself back to the physical and be the EYE of the storm and to see what directly feeds this fear point, and my relationship with it.

Instead of looking of the effects, the storm, the energy, the e-motion – to look the trigger point, the judgement, the mental relationship I feed with thoughts, feelings and emotions and to see how it’s been created – how I am creating and how to STOP it; to see what to do to prevent it, so that next time it would arise – I don’t participate, thus the storm does not inflate as I let it go, I forgive, I change, I re-align and focus to practical common sense and action.

I have the tendency to connect, to share, the need for living response-ability – but first and foremost it’s within and in relation to self here.

As to create Heaven on Earth starts with self here – Everyone is so confused and doubtful about how to make Earth a better place – it’s so damn simple but no one is looking, walking, living it, because the actual Hell we can clean up is within and as SELF, which is at the limit or even beyond of our ability to direct, because of how we give this permission to the mind every single day.

Any thought of doubt, fear, worry, judgement, anger or hate, desire or disgust – hope or despair – if it’s in the mind, if it makes me feel moods and ups and downs – it’s EGO – the MIND, and there are techniques to understand and be able to deal with it. Anyone can do it, even a child or a very-very old person as well. It’s not technological, not spiritual, not religious, it’s common sense – and based on the most powerful mathematical equation – 1+1 = 2.

Accumulation – that’s Give as you would like to receive – consistent application is the key, with self-change as well.

And be aware that even for a moment you start to question and doubt yourself, as it’s the EGO’s nature to trick and con – look at the facts, the action you have done, the accumulation, the structure, the plan, the reality-awareness, thus can’t get caught with the temptation of energetic storms to blow you around, like a kite in the wind.

Anyone can judge you, usually it’s yourself who judges self the most, but when someone else does – still should not fall into the doubt, unless the accusation is valid.

I used to think – if anyone doubts me or says something about me, it must be true, thus I just went into self-introspection, self-worry, self-doubt mode – and it’s better indeed to check what the other person refers as might be true. But until I do not actually see with practical common sense, there is no place for doubt.

And if there is ‘room for improvement’, as the other indicated – it’s awesome, gratefulness, as now I am more aware than I was, thus it’s supportive.

Just I have to be really-really self-honest in this – to not just say to myself ‘ah, what the other said to me/about me is just bullshit, I am so cool, no way’ – and then usually there is justification: ‘because blah blah’ – so then I use that justification to seal my denial of the information I got – AFTER I rejected it, AFTER I reacted to it. Not self-honest!

Thus – I stand here, no doubt, no fear – still aligned, still in direction – and anyone judges me or doubts me – that can be about the person as well actually, but better to be aware of what’s going on within myself all the time. And the more I am aware of what I participate within, how I do, what I do – the less ‘time’ I need to ‘check’ if what the other says is true or not – yet never get to the point of automatically reject anything or get overconfident, but to stay humble and grateful.

For instance at university somehow it was a habit among my friends to say ‘you son of a bitch’ – just in my native language its more insulting, as the literal translation is ‘your mother is a whore’ – yet when I was told to – I felt really insulted and got really angry, and then I realized – My mother is not a whore, and even if she would be, which is not the case, why would I be automatically triggered to lose my temper and head? Does not make sense. Still obviously mirrors the other’s lack of respect and ability for compassion and decency, that’s al-right. Yet it’s not if I lose myself into an emotional storm, whenever anyone says such.

Another example: I have been participating within some job interviews – and there was rejection, not one, not two – and I also had the ‘choice’ to decide – if I feel bad or not – and if I look back – I see what I have already walked in terms of my profession – thus did not ‘break me down’ – yet, also realized that there is place for improvement, thus I should focus to that and move forward. Naturally. So that’s more practical, instead of fall into the despair and doubt, to focus to reality – where I came from, what I have done, how I have done it, and what I am going to do next and how. Simple. Always. If not, then that’s the ego, the mind, the manifested systematic reflection of accumulated self-dishonesty of mine just mirroring me who I accept myself to be. Until I stand up and stop and actually change.

So, sharing this process, this blog, is also not just statements to the world, anyone and everyone is welcome to give feedback, even telling me I am just wrong, and thus I can also check and learn!
Anyone can conclude based on misunderstanding, even myself – and if I realize it, I correct my statement, myself and live according to that realization.

In a way, that is why difficult to change for many people who are so infused into some belief-systems, religion, spirituality, or any kind of conviction – especially if there are human relationships, or even money involved – to admit that I have been wrong for two – three – six decades might not be easy – as I have had with my spiritual beliefs, buddhism and many more convictions already. I do not need anything but to become honest with myself in each moment equally – and for that to decompose the patterns my mind constitutes – words – energetic experiences, relationships – this process works.

Anyone states ‘It’s not my type of thing, or style – fine – I never even considered if this is my style ever – I just do as it works’. Just be sure not to listen to excuse and justification.

If anyone could show me that there is a better way than writing and applying self-forgiveness in written, said aloud and lived in action to become more aware and to support actual change – I am open – but I am aware of that this works, this blog is my movement, since 2008 – all I shared stands here as proof of what I have walked and the direction I am keep walking.

So that’s about it for today and thank you very much for being here today!

Links to understand more and support to grow:

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Day 292 – Driving self-correction to breathe

img_0449I continue with decomposing the self-belief, hope and expectation, annoyance and actual fear behind these points I’ve opened up in the last post.

It’s such a journey to discover a whole existence hidden within and the more resistances, excuses and reactions I experience in relation to a point, it’s just more obvious that there is pre-conditioning, self-limitation and self-delusion I carry and automatically live out with that.

I’ve described 7 points previously, and it does not cover the whole spectrum, but I just start walking through one and see what comes up within self-honesty and correction.

“Driving the car through something I am uncertain about, while I do not feel 100% in direction”

As I drive quite some time almost every day, this is good to continue with.

It’s so obvious immediately – to slow down to the point of re-gain direction – of course there are situations wherein I should not make big speed changes all of a sudden, like in heavy traffic, because others also have to anticipate that, but why would I not slow down or go too fast into situations I do not direct with clarity and self-trust?

What it is what makes me believe that faster is better? Why feeling not good enough when moving slowly but surely? What it is what this thrill, this overwhelming excitement, anxiety I feel like getting?
What memories, reactions come up while driving what can relate to fear, failure, mistakes?

There is this perception and belief that the more fast and agile I drive, the better I am, the more respectable, professional, serious I might seem, which I desire and at the same time I work on the skills to ‘get there’, but in the meantime I can go into this mind-game of ‘wanting to feel’ that way.
Also often I encounter with other drivers who tend to rush through traffic. This can also have an influence on me, like ‘picking up their pace’.

Actually it’s not always a great tactic, especially if I observe taxi drivers on how they move through the city. People often rush – accelerate hard, and then, what a surprise: break hard too at the next red light. Unless I really-really, almost insanely blaze/storm on the road, well, put it frankly: aggressively, most of the time I do not get to my destination really sooner. It might ‘FEELS’ like, but actually, it’s about 2-4 minutes mostly, which is negligible on an hour drive and for that to risk, to annoy, to ‘work that hard’ is highly illogical.
It’s also supporting to apply self-forgiveness on this point to take responsibility and substantiate the decision to admit that it is self-dishonesty to rush but rather to plan ahead and be more smart and aware of the traffic system is actually more effective, thus it’s time to stop this influence of thrill and energetic charge.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the more fast I can maintain car control, safety and agility, the more I am valuable, professional, serious, respectable and thus making it conditioned how I feel about myself and also to project this idea to what others might think of me or how they would judge me if I would act in relation to this judgement polarity dimension of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ and not realizing that it’s all just self-conviction and preoccupation in the mind with thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the moment I go into mind-games with what I feel based on definitions and opinions, how others might judge and feel about me – the very moment I start to participate in this, I am abandoning self-direction here, giving up presence which is actually the key to be able to be directive, effective, responsible, thus I realize that I have to stop fantasizing and start planning, deciding and working on points I want to become, represent, express and live here for instance: develop planning and driving skills and stop doubting myself and wanting to overcome by that with extra speed.

I forgive myself that I have not admitted that I’ve defined that it’s good if others would judge me as positive, valuable, respectable, because that would give me power by allowing my self-definition to be believed based on what others think/say about me and to define who I am and how I am according to that, meanwhile not admitting that this only can happen as if I am not aware of who I really am and what it is what value I represent here.

I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself to acknowledge the fact that I accepted myself not to be respected, trusted and this acceptance have been accumulated by the days, months, years and along the path I’ve identified myself as this acceptance of actually giving up on myself and wanting to compensate to at least ‘feel’ that way, and not realizing that the very action to participate, re-generate and experience such feeling is a wasted effort and that also could have been directed into actual expression, and real and physical change if I would not have given up on myself and not even realizing this giving up, because that would also open up a lot of another reactions and points to deal with, what I’ve defined I can’t deal with, don’t want to face, afraid to acknowledge too.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define that it’s overwhelming and unbearable to see how many self-dishonesty points I’ve allowed, manifested and became along the way in this existence and not wanting to see, because of the belief and fear that I would feel really shocked, wrecked, ruined and within that fear I do not realize that I enslave myself and have been exactly manifested that by accepting self-limitation and fear, therefore I have to expose all my resistances, suppressions and lies and give up everything I fear losing by the realization and embracing of all the hurt, pain I wanted to evade by not being honest with myself and at the same time with this active process of revealing action, also to keep focusing and disciplining myself to remain here, empty headed, directive and push through all of this one breath at a time.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that suppression of energy, emotions and fear is not going to last and everything I do not want to see and experience is still here, in and as the physical body, which is awareness, but if I am not aware of IT, then that means I am not really aware of myself, therefore what I am aware of is not me, not real, it’s a facade, a delusion, which then I can realize and let go of with writing down the patterns, the relationships, the words to see everything in front of me without going into reactions, judgements, thought-chains get distracted by and overwhelmed with.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that if others see that I slow down with the car when I would feel more safe and appropriate, for instance the one coming behind me, then they would think that I am a rookie, a weak, a fool and in these cases rather focusing to my speed, and to avoid the other’s judgement, which is completely imagined, as I can’t hear, can’t listen what the other think behind me and even if they would think such thing, that’s them, and my responsibility is within my presence, with my car to maintain responsible and effective driving with my utmost potential I can live.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is the exact same point when I start to judge someone in front of me who goes slower than me and start judging them without being aware of all the factors manifesting the actual speed of that car, and me going into judgement or to avert my judgement into a more accepted way, to imagine and have reasons why the other is slower, but still judge them in a way that I would think it’s not offensive and reactive, but within self-honesty it’s still judgement, based on the fact that I lost my presence in that moment when going into separation, reaction, judgement, what is at it’s core is fear, what I do not want to see, understand, realize.

I forgive myself that I have not realized, named, worded the exact fear I experience when I feel, automatically being self-defined that I am blocked, slowed down, limited with the one in front of me in the traffic, which can be the fear of ‘losing or wasting time’, the unstoppable automatic judgement of ‘going too slow with this great car, frustrating, because I justify it with all the money/effort I’ve invested into this car/ability to go faster, but at this moment I can’t’, so in this moment I go into blame, projection, because I am accepted myself to being defined by how fast I can go, because without it I would not feel myself to be who I perceive myself to be, thus it’s a ‘micro-identity-crisis’, which is annoying, what I do not want to face, realize, also, because I never stood up to this point before.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is the same point played out to two directions, when I judge somebody going slower than I would want to go and also when I would think I am the one making somebody slower, so then they would think and feel similarly as I feel when I follow someone I’d judge as too slow, and that’s why wanting to avoid to go slowly and wanting to go fast, faster to not get into the situation of being judged to be too slow by myself of by others, but in fact eventually always being self-defined by myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the situation of someone going slower in front of me would or should define how I feel and thus who I am instead of realizing that I decide who I am and if I am actually accepting self-automation to decide how I feel according to situations and others, then in fact I am the responsible how I feel, be and express myself, therefore it’s common sense to decompose and stop the patterns of self-definitions step by step until I am simply here within direction.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that on public roads it’s not about who can go faster or more agile, responsive, but it’s about what’s best for all participants, such as first safety and then effectiveness and also to accept that there are people who don’t care, who has no such dedication to drive great or they are under pressure, illness, age and many factors and even if I would believe, think, judge that ‘then they should not drive’ – at this moment they do, so we have to deal with it, thus this is from where we have to support the best outcome, and to get reactive is definitely not that, therefore recognizing the self-empowerment here to keep my presence, cool and direction consistent, that is my first responsibility, by which I can support actively the best outcome for all here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that how others judge me is not who I am, and if someone would feel that I make them going slower than they would like to/could go, then that’s their point of responsibility to be aware of and not get possessed by to the point of losing direction, safety and awareness, especially with the self-recognition here of that I do not want others to be blocked, slowed down deliberately, so I recognize the point of I should and have to trust myself completely and to recognize and let go everything what blocks me within that.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that breath within driving is equally important as within everything else, therefore I commit myself to keep myself being aware of the breath here and direct myself as driving through and as the living expression of breathing, meaning I do not put thoughts, emotions between the driving and myself, thus I am more connected and become presence here.

img_0292When and as I see, sense, feel, define that someone is at my tail really close while driving I recognize the tendency that I can go into annoyance, worry or doubt, which I prevent myself going into by breathing here and focusing to maintain presence, direction and driving responsibly and to see if I can support the other to give space and opportunity to go faster by also considering the ones in front of/near to me if there are.

When and as I feel like I am being slowed down by someone in front of me, I recognize the tendency to react and go into annoyance, frustration and limitation and I breathe and I realize that actually it does not matter why this is happening, does not matter who is the person in front of me, but what matters is to remain calm, directive, effective, responsible and meanwhile to see if I can take over within safety and if not 110% sure, meaning even if something would happen what not being anticipated, still would come out within safety, and still I can foresee the taking over being able to be done, then I do so, otherwise, I relax, remain aware of the others, the road and look for better opportunity.

When and as I feel like a tension building up within me because of the cars behind me or the cars in front of me, I let everything of my mind go, I breathe within presence, I maintain direction, effective responsibility and assess the situation to see what could be better if possible and if not, then still be present and to realize that I only go into reactions if I believe those are real and I give up breathing, which means I give into the fear, which means I have to investigate, write down and forgive the point specifically and to re-align to breathing, allow the inbreath and holding, outbreath and holding to be natural, not forced.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I believe that I have to be always better on the road ‘against’ others, that means I am not satisfied with myself, regardless of anyone, anything outside of me, because it’s about my own relationship with me, within me, as me, thus the friction created within should be named, worded, investigated as I am split within, one part judging another, polarity, fear, and it’s highly ineffective, as at the moment I judge, I became observer, from participant, and that creates a lag, a latency, an extra ‘layer’/’dimension’.

When and as I feel that I go too fast with the car and I am not fully being certain that I direct the car within safety and effectiveness, then I stop reacting to this with the thrilling experience, I firmly and safely slow down, pull my foot from the throttle, I apply break if necessary or I shift down to use the engine break to the point of being certain that I can drive safely and effectively and in case of emergency break or outmanoeuvring, I can execute it within calm, effective manner.

When and as I feel resisting to slow down, to leave ‘space’ in front of the car I follow, but it is the common sense according to safety, then I breathe, in and out, I trust myself and I push through this resistance as recognizing, safety is first and become aware of how I would ‘feel’ if someone would tailgate me, and even to realize that maybe the person could become reactive, then lose presence, then causing more chance to make mistakes and cause accident, which then I am also responsible too.

When and as I would worry if I would give too much space in front of me while following another car for safety reasons that another car from another lane would go in there, thus taking me over, as I am already aware of this: it is completely alright and I can let my foot off from the throttle for a moment to again create the minimal following distance for safety without any reaction/thought.

When and as I go in the most inner lane on the highway and see that the car in front of me does not go fast enough for the speed I want to proceed with, he/she does not give the lane to me and the lane at it’s right is free for him/her to move away to give me opportunity to proceed, I do not react, I do breathe, I remain directive and look for options what is common sense and prevent myself going into annoyance and if I feel adequate, I use the lights to make the another aware the driving rules of ‘inner lane is only for taking over’ – without tailgating, without compromising the minimum safe distance. And if the other still disregards me and my obvious request, I still remain directive, calm and present and look for another opportunities. I recognize that it is key to always keep presence and direction and in the moment of I would ‘leave’ that, to leave ‘breath’, it is my utmost responsibility to re-align myself to be present, aware of the breath, the act of breathing without defining it and allowing a space within to trust myself as one and equal with what’s here, even if it means to give up my want to go faster.

When and as I believe that I can use tailgating in any way whatsoever to make the other feel that they should move away from ahead of me and give the lane to me, I realize that this is only a belief and not always common sense and rather to give signs with light than go too close or to reconsider my want to go faster is adequate or to change lane myself if that would give a better opportunity to safely go faster in another way.
Well, this looks like crazy detailing, why to write down such things, but one thing is certain – writing is power – and if this helps with changing, substantiating situational ‘screenwriting’, why not to apply it? It’s free, and in a way it’s a previsualization, a creative imagining for the next episode of my life, a considerate planning, while I am present, directive and responsible. Words are the bulding blocks of our reality, thus it’s actually great to decompose any limiting or abusing brick-walls and to build structure for actual support within self-honesty by also considering others equally too.

Just to ensure not to limit myself with the self-directive statements, not to accumulate self-interest, but rather to support change, stopping to follow polarity-based, reactional, self-dishonest, self-limiting patterns, thoughts, feelings, emotions.

I drive every day, spending hours within traffic and as I move out from and into the center of the capital city, I encounter a lot of driving situations and it is crucial to be prepared, directive and responsible, thus it’s absolutely worthy to consider these points and to recognize if there is a pattern what requires to be re-written within me and my behaviour, then this technique is literally can assist with that.

Also I recognize that I drive a better car than average on the road in terms of agility and power and that also can support judgement, separation and even a feel of superiority, what must be recognized and let go.
Especially by considering that even if my car is quite safe, capable and powerful, there will always will be cars that are much less ‘great’ and probably much more great too in those three dimensions(safety, capability, power), thus if I judge something as ‘less than’, then I also will fall into the comparison to the another direction of this polarity game in the mind of ‘better than’, and then I allow these factors to influence, define, direct me.

This means, to consider the another car could be less safe than my car, therefore to avoid collision more responsively, or the another car also could be less capable or powerful, thus this can support to understand why the other is not driving that effectively, fast – and with this, also not to project out expectation towards cars and drivers to the other direction – such as if seeing a sportscar behind me, to believe that he/she is now being annoyed by me as not going super fast all the time just by these definitions, associations, reactions.
Of course, still notice, acknowledge, assess these informations, but not be the slave of it. This is pretty obvious, common sense at 99.99% of the cases, but also apply it at the cases when it’s more challenging.

Annoyance seems like acceptable if it feels like being triggered by someone or something else, but it is to recognize, it’s still me, only me, about me and if I believe that the person/situation is responsible for me to be annoyed/angry/reactive/emotionally compromising, then I keep projecting and I actually disempower myself from to see and do what I could in order to change myself/the situation to prevent such limitation and well, quite uncomfortable experience.

This means to always be able to question and answer – what I can do about this, what I can do for more safety and effectiveness?

This is where breath is assistance also – the more I am aware of the breath, the more I can be aware of the mind, it’s patterns too, then I can realize more or deeper self-dishonesty, how I participate in that, so then to see when, how and why I actually ‘go into’ at what trigger point and what is the consequence of it, and then I simply realize before repeating the pattern – I stop and change.

And the less mind patterns I chase in my head, the more I am undisturbed from being here, breathing presence, action into reality and then thus also understand more, trust myself more – so it’s apparently two sides of what I can do, but it’s actually the same.

Re-align to be present and also to recognize and decompose the patterns what is in the way to be here in and as the breathing flesh, as my human physical body.

This can be a way to support self and awareness, change and direction with writing.
Write yourself to freedom!

How to do that? Here is a free online course: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com