Day 315 – Why is it difficult to be Self-honest?

IMG_3952-EditTalking about why can be difficult to apply Self-honesty when facing an opportunity to change. The halo of justifications and excuses to find everywhere and to give into one is enough to give up the decision to change.

Giving some examples of how projecting self-defined, pre-judged past memories can compromise practical change/expansion.

Why and how can regular writing be an immense support to walk through accepted and allowed self-dishonest patterns.

 

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Day 274 – Redefining Stability

I was in a forest camping for almost a week and during this period I used my notebook to list up all the points I consider for redefining the word Stability.

 

To simplify this process, I’ve focused to three layers:

Body: Be aware of physical presence: inner and external physical experiences/senses

Physical environment: surrounding space-things, smell, sight, touch.

Feel the gravity for the body’s whole and it’s parts

Feel the wind touching the skin, moving clothes, hair.

Feel the muscles, if there is any tension, looseness in feet, knee, thighs, stomach, chest, spine, neck, head, arms, hands, wrest, fingers

Feel the face, muscles, gesture, tongue, jaw, cheeks, ears.

Be aware of my lower back, my spine, straighten it, pull back my shoulders, feel my chest raising, pushing my chin up and stand as I AM HERE.

Not to escape from the mind into the physical sensation, rather to realize that this is natural to allow to directly experience and be here and if the mind keeps trying to intervene, distract, interrupt or lure away from constant and consistent presence, it is not to resist, but to realize that I am the director here, and I can actually utilize the mind to see where it’s taking me and to understand why – without being the slave of the thoughts, feelings, emotions by questioning and answering to myself.

Mind: Be aware of the thoughts/feelings/emotions, if energy is present, if it’s moving, if there is any mood or tension, resistance or devotion, etc

Recognize tendencies to react, to get attracted to or resisted, such as things defined as ‘nice’ as feeling positive reaction, or ‘ugly’ as feeling negative reaction.

Recognize tendencies and actual participation within suppression. When not standing up for myself or other around me, when avoiding conflict, when going into self-judgement, shame, regret, giving up, ‘fuck it’ mentality. These accumulate and undermine stability.

Recognize and acknowledge and realize source points + actual judgment words for those trigger points. When and why do I judge specific behavior/individuals/myself? If I know better, why not sharing as living example, or it’s just pure ‘mind-knowledge’?

Re-alignment with taking self-responsibility: Self-forgiveness on each points with consequences to be aware of – decompose the patterns, remember the trigger words, release the energetic states, taking responsibility for the patterns I recognize as not supporting me, thus have to be aware of them before participating to be able to stop and re-align myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the practical solution within the trinity of application through stabilization of physical, mind and beingness awareness to support actual change within self-honesty.

Self-commitment to change self and those points to make my stand and decide that I do not accept anything less than who I really am as realizing the potential if I correct this very point I am currently facing. I am going through the resistances and unpleasant experiences, which is actually facing the manifested consequences of accumulated self-dishonesty, what must be stopped.

I commit myself to accumulate stability in and as the physical, the mind and as my beingness here by applying self-investigation, self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-corrective statements and sharing, exchanging communication.

Self-corrective statements on how actually to re-align and change on these specific triggering realization points. Re-writing the script of my personality. After decomposing the self-dishonest patterns, I can actually script myself to remain here, stable and re-define words on how to live them while not going into polarity, judgments, fear.

When and as I see that I am accepting judgments towards myself or another, I support myself with physical re-alignment by straightening my back, pushing back my shoulders and chest forward and up my chin. I am here. I stop the mind, I direct self-correction in this very moment, no matter where am I, who I am with, what I am doing.

Beingness/Self-stability

Asking Who am I?

Who I am within and as this situation I find myself at?

Self-honesty – Process – Self-forgiveness

Principle, Purpose, Destiny:

Alignment, Unification, Amalgamation and Integration of all what is Here Equal as Self as Life. – Supports to reflect back of any resistance, reaction, energy and to word that and apply the tools until I am here without any automatic inner movement from the mind.

All with consideration of consequence and outcome of what is best for all participants.

As resisted or scary might be to find any principle to live as – maybe the memories and reactions to such principles of the past weren’t the right or ‘great enough’ – chance to reflect back to the question why to be equal with all – and why not to?

Every day is One and each Breath I take is One and these are numbered, thus to decide what I manifest as me, as Tala Joseph is relevant and assists within further stability as considering what Self I could be proud of if I would have total freedom and then also to see what with I accept myself to limit, enslave or scare and then to investigate, decompose and forgive those patterns again until I am here, freedom as absolute self-honesty here.

 

These are the notes I wrote and realized that it’s completely up to me of how effectively I can apply anything at my disposal to stabilize myself and sort out the delusional relationships existing within my mind, especially those, what I am not fully aware of as so many years I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within self-limitation through convictions, belief systems and the whole religion of self, meaning to not expand, grow and actually change.

Always striving, pushing, facing, fringing to see what are the limits and why and to try if I can go beyond that specific limitation if originated from me, my mind, my perception of reality.

In terms of stability, I’ve also mixed up before of not being able to accept myself of who I am, because of the extensive amount of self-judgments, which I saw, but I did not realize that I do not need to accept myself to exist within these self-limitations as I can actually change. Thus to accept who I am naturally becomes a more deep, substantial level what I can feel more directly if I dare to disregard all the judgments, definitions, comparisons, memories, polarities, preferences and interests.

Also to note that while I describe the possible physical sensations and experiences through and as my human physical body, that does not mean I always have to be ‘on the edge’ of focusing to these, but if there is no ‘input’, it can be a sign of total distraction of the mind, participating within a pattern of delusion, energetic possession, consumed by self-interest, thus make a stance and re-align with physical here and not to be identified with the mind as self, but neither to try to separate myself from it as to realize I am here is equal and one with the physical body and the layers of the mind and to birth myself as life, I have to embrace and direct, decompose and re-define all of me according to what is proven to be self-honest.

I will continue with series of investigations around the word SUPPRESSION.

I’ve been suppressing so many things, which now must be faced, understood, stopped and released.

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Day 260 – Decomposing delusions part 1

IMG_3633Here I walk through the self-dishonesty I’ve shared within my previous post by taking responsibility for what I’ve allowed to manifest as myself and within that I reveal the specificity to support my practical understanding of how I can release the delusion and start transforming and changing my living in terms of spirituality, drugs and dancing, but beyond those to accumulate knowing and trusting myself to express here in and as the physical directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people who dance and dancing in overall and trying to form an apparently valid opinion about what is good, cool, acceptable, nice, great and what is not and not realizing that as long as I participate within polarity, it’s not actually about dancing, but my self-judgments projected into dancing, thus I reflect it back to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dance to music or in silence in overall, because I’ve defined that I can’t dance and I have no sense for that and think that probably I would look silly and awkward, because that’s how I’ve felt when I was invited to dance by others, who wanted to dance with me.
I forgive myself that I have defined dancing as wasting time, because what’s good within moving my body when I can move my mind and not realizing that I’ve misplaced and misinterpreted who I am as defined it based on energetic experiences instead of realizing that the source of all is here in and as the physical body, which I disregarded, separated from who I perceived myself to be, therefore that perception have also influenced how I moved, felt moving and thus defining myself not to be good within dancing, because I’ve never learned it and I can’t let go this definition, because I’ve already concluded myself to be not interested in dancing, to be ineffective in dancing by definition.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the more I let go definitions and judgments, thoughts and emotions in my mind, the more I can be present and let the music into me and embrace it and move with it or against it, but simply: move myself without self-judgement as also accepting myself to be here who I am and how I am in this moment and just breathe and let my body as myself to live.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have allowed to have the tendency to ‘auto-boxing’ definitions and automatize my thinking, judgments and categorizing, because I’ve defined that seems helpful to navigate in the jungle of reality, to not need to always be here in the present, because then I can’t go into my daydreaming, thinking, imagination processes, what I felt as necessary to separate and hide myself from reality, but at the same time I wanted to be effective in reality and thus tried to find algorithms, patterns and programmed behavior what with I can interact with reality and others without being disregarded and hurt, abused and lost.

I forgive myself that I never have allowed myself to stop for a moment from everything and be honest with myself to be intimate with myself about how I feel myself in reality, in relation to others, myself, such as disregarded, hurt, afraid, uncertain, but I’ve constantly became obsessed to hide these points from myself and others and also becoming addicted to consistently prove myself that I should be and am regarded, not afraid, certain and brave without being honest with myself that I feel like that ‘against’ the world and others, because I feel like that in relation to myself at the first place.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve defined energetic experiences in my mind as a measurement of how and who I am and not realizing that thus becoming dependent to the already self-accepted pre-programmed automatic definitions, judgments, behavior-patterns, with what I react certainly and with that reaction as I participate in it, I feel those energetic experiences of positive or negative and thus creating an inner mind experience, what I’ve defined that it is who I am and never questioning how and why I’ve created this persona within my head at the first place and also not realizing that I am not directly IN and AS the physical reality, but separated, distanced by these definitions and energetic reactions with the starting point of shelling, shielding, protecting me from the reality ‘out there’ and not even remembering that it is the case.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize within the constant busy reaction-chain experiences in my mind that I’ve disregarded my human physical body, thus I have no idea how it is, what it is actually experiencing and how I could find a way ‘back’ into it, because all I ever knew was the starting point of the mind, therefore constantly defining the physical as inferior and by that not realizing that I diminish my direct self here also as inferior without realizing it.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve became the slave of my already accepted patterns in my mind, what I never considered to be able to stop and re-define, rewrite and recreate based on what would be the best for me within self-honesty, because I’ve convinced myself with the delusion that how and who I perceive myself to be is who I really am already, therefore I do not need to change, but even further, I have to resist change, because in the justification of fear of losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I never considered direct change with awareness, understanding and responsibility within physical presence, empty head, feeling the breath and live as physical substance, because all of the brainwashing about consciousness and soul, feelings and thoughts, free will and morality without actually investigating the definitions I’ve given to these words and my actual relationship to them with looking them as myself equally with common sense.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become frustrated by the realization that I am in a roller-coaster of mind-experiences of thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, judgments, definitions, convictions, what are really limiting me and not realizing that accepting this frustration as judging myself about how I judge myself in the first place is not supporting, but creating anger towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to project out my frustration and anger to things, systems, manifestations, people and everything else around me about blaming those for my experienced limitations, and not acknowledging that in fact I am limiting myself right here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the anger and frustration I’ve experienced was because of the given up experience towards the self-acceptance to the self-created self-limitations and in fact being angry and hateful towards and against myself, wanting to undo, destroy my creation as who I allowed myself to became, but not being aware of this pattern, so manifesting my life to lose things, people, myself from time to time in order to not accumulate the limitations but never considering to change myself, the source of all of those things, problems, limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and define that I have to develop extraordinary discipline in order to walk out from the limitations and my mind-prison and not realizing that discipline without principle, structure, method and understanding means nothing, because it’s conditioned to things I can’t or don’t yet direct, such as my self-accepted pre-programmed patterns to react with thoughts/feelings/emotions to things, people, events, thus the common sense to decompose those patterns and forgive, let go and thus change myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the deception of wanting to do one something until it’s perfection so much that through it I can transform all of my beingness without actually understanding everything I consist of and by that not realizing that it’s not awareness I develop, but I accumulate energy, but thus I always would remain the slave of that energetic experience, without actually understanding how and why that affects and stimulates, moves and directs me, what I believed that I have to overpower with extraordinary discipline.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to go to a trance state in order to break another trance instead of simply direct myself out from mind-experiences into and as physical presence.

I forgive myself that I have not yet fully realized the common sense within self-realization the following sentence: “prevention is the best cure“, meaning not to fight, overbalance, equate, suppress or endure reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions, but to prevent myself going into those mind-states which by I accumulate presence, direction and stability.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to completely miss the point of self-direction, self-responsibility by realizing that I can actually stop myself doing something what I decide and if there is resistance within me to do so, then I look into me and stop that resistance first and doing so until there is nothing to resist, thus I can direct myself within consistent application.

I forgive myself that I have never considered the possibility and the actual common sense to be able to change myself, change my starting point, my perception, my direction and physical expression, and missing to see this, because believing that what I don’t change is because that is who I perceive myself to be, thus I am already that, who I am and not realizing that is self-dishonesty, an excuse not to understand why I believe that I am already myself, accepting myself to be limited, resisting change, facing unknown, myself.

I will continue specifically with the spiritual delusions aspect in the next post…

Until that – check out the latest DIP LITE awareness online course’s latest videos about what are thoughts and how to be more aware of those.