Day 375 – Being a nice guy fear

P1020130From my last post, walking this with Self-forgiveness – the universe’s greatest support as it’s about becoming aware of patterns I accepted and taking responsibility for stop participating by understanding the specificity of how I behave automatically and within that I get a chance to see the pattern before doing it and thus being able to say – I did this and realized that it’s not the best, let’s just stop acting this out and see what’s possible besides this particular pattern….

I almost always used to be a nice guy, someone to be liked or respected, but that was never true me. There is suppressed anger and desires what can be exerted if really poked around, ‘better keep the animal tamed’.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be the nice guy in order to not have resistance in the world by being liked, accepted, respected simply by the judgments I made about the things I focus doing based on I believing those to be good and nice, thus hoping that others judge those – and thus me – also as good and nice.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to question why need to want to be good and nice, and something I want to be recognized as, but with common sense it literally tells that in fact, I am not good, but I have to act as in order to be seem as good and within that not considering how I define, perceive and experience myself in terms of my polarity definition of good and bad and why.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not admit to myself that I define and feel, experience and judge myself as not being good enough and not being specific on what good here means and thus automatically and vaguely allowing associations to various points without being aware of.
  • I forgive myself that I have not specified for myself when I fall into the fear of ‘not being good enough’ of what I really mean, and why, and thus creating an overall feeling, a reaction, an energetic mind-state, which I do not admit how much influences and stimulates me to activate certain personality patterns, such as doubt, worry, anxiety, fear and paranoia.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the not good enough pattern originates from mixing up and bouncing back and forth between ‘wanting to be better’ and ‘fearing to be wrong’ without specificty.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity of purifying my mind, associations and reactions to the word ‘GOOD’ and within that to admit that it only refers to what it is my interest currently without stability, understanding and consistency, but being automatically driven by the context, the inner set and outer settings I allow to be determined by preprogrammings I do not admit, want to realize or being completely unaware of.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being BAD, meaning selfish, evil, not effective, not helpful, not compassionate, not considerate and benevolent, and within each action fearing to do something wrong, causing irreversible consequences I can’t fix but would stay and define, determine my remaining existence, thus always trying to analyse and virtualize, model and simulate causes and effects by my limited thoughts, feelings and emotions, and within that not realizing that with the starting point of fear, the complete preoccupation within the mind-participation what I manifest is that I am not present, I am reactive, not directive and thus I focus to create what I wish to avoid by giving creation to what I focus to, which is here is what I am afraid of.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the effective use of my mind by considering options within clear presence, meaning no reactions, no running thoughts, but simply look at things, understanding and considering, but definitely not accumulate worry and frustration, emotional charges and fear.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to recognize the self-deception and self-sabotage within participating in ANY pattern of ‘fear of not being good, good enough’ and within recognition of it, immediately taking the initiative movement and direction to STOP doing it and focusing to what’s here, what I can do and how I should do it to support direct action.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to use my observations constructively within development and expansion by allowing fear to be the starting point and not realizing the simplicity to stop and re-align with written, spoken and living words.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not raise my voice, then I am considered as a nice guy, and within that desiring to be judged by others as nice, which if I really look at is not a real descriptive word, but a ‘feeling’, being subjective, and also part of a polarity system of nice – not nice/ugly, wherein wanting to be seem as nice exposes the experience or fear of being not nice/ugly/bad.
  • I forgive myself that I have judged, defined and categorized myself as not nice, not being good enough and in general not being capable enough within the comparison patterns I allow to run freely in my mind, feeding by my initial doubt and insecurity experience in the world and not being honest with myself of being afraid to be rejected, excluded and disregarded by others within the fear that I can’t live, stand and expand alone by myself and within that not trusting myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not admitted to myself that I do not fully trust myself always, unconditionally, because of the memories I remember and fall back to react to of when I was giving up, giving in and not pushing through resistances and fears, allowing myself to be defined by fear and my perceived weaknesses and allowing this fear to become norm and being triggered at challenging situations.
  • I forgive myself that I have not admitted that how I deal with challenges, resistances and problematic situations is that I have an initial experience of polarity within feeling or emotion, fed by thought patterns, which create a state of energetic experience and consciously trying to overcome it by stimulating and manipulating myself to accumulate the opposite experiences I originally accept and allow, for resistances to get obsessed by a desire to break and fight through.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I created the perfect prison for myself by the self-balancing artificial intelligence of my mind consciousness system, as always working in polarities of good and bad, positive and negative and accepting to have auto-activating patterns to each situation I experience, wherein always striving to acclaim neutral states from polarity extremes, but always and only in the confinement of those energetic polarity frequency domains, thus never be really free.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that direct self-expression and self-trust to develop and accumulate only can be manifested by decomposing all the patterns of my mind and to see what is real and fact on the physical reality level and where I go into delusion and self-dishonesty and to stop participating within those patterns by applying self-forgiveness, self-corrective and self-commitment statements to assist and support myself to live the change directly in the moments of participation.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that suppressed anger I experience is because I omit to live the opportunities I see and go through by worry and fear, and within that judging myself as bad – thus reinforcing the whole ‘want to be good’ pattern even more, instead of letting go the anger, the doubt and focus to what’s here in front of me, at my physical location, on my awareness level to take responsibility for and realizing that consideration can be applied in the principle of what is best for all participants to support structuring, planning, directing and living my expression without accepting doubt within what I do – or if doubt seems unstoppable, to decompose it as it’s a pattern and to plan even further to focus on what’s practical common sense to do, or ask for assistance from others if applicable.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that any and all anger I experience towards anything or anyone is ALWAYS towards and in relation to myself as anger in it’s true form exposes powerlessness and fear, thus that is the key part to focus to within any anger-triggering situation and to prevent myself to fall into exerting it towards myself or others.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my exerting anger aspect as ‘tamed beast’ and wanting to control it by self-manipulation and suppression and not realizing that what I suppress is also myself and a potential to grow and for that I always will create more friction, more resistance, desire and fight within myself, which literally takes away my freedom and honesty.

So, this is a start, more to come – in the meantime also focusing on becoming aware of patterns when ‘falling over to the other side’ – as from doubtful, insecure to become blunt and overconfident, but as mentioned before, that is also a form of polarity fight within, and within that aspect, manifests as a total denial and sabotage of any true and honest self-expression.


Day 340 – Emotions and Self-honesty

IMG_0898After yesterdays blog, I might have opened up Pandora’s box within myself as today I was quite emotional. (Well, before yesterday)

It’s rare thing for me, most of my life I’ve lived with perfecting suppressing emotions, but I am actually stopping as proven to be not the best approach(obviously), which might mean I do find myself within reactions.

I start with clarifying – within DIP online courses emotions are the negative-related energetic experiences, such as fear, worry, jealousy, hate, sadness, etc, while feelings are the positive ones, such as happy, excitement, etc.

Neither of them is bad or good, they are simply put: tools for expression. The self-dishonesty about these is that when they come and go ‘automatically’ and I am the puppet, when I am actually giving permission to get emotional, angry, sad, ‘fall into love’ or become obsessed with happy feelings, etc.

The practical approach within learning on how to LIVE words directly(instead of being influenced, stimulated by) is to redefine my relationship and meanings in relation to self-honesty and considerations of all participants of my reality here. Example: Instead of wanting to experience joy, I answer the question of ‘How can I Live Enjoyment?’.

Thus, it is Self-movement I live, not going through experiences and reacting, bouncing, conflicting through.

So, my commitment to stop suppressing emotions is about to break the following habit:

  • I experience/see/think of something what I have judgement about, somewhat memory, association, personal involvement.
  • I react with the judgement, I feel a certain energetic experience
  • I recognize that I am moving away from ‘center’ as this emotion would start to overwhelm me
  • I suppress the emotion, just ‘swallow it’, ‘push it down’ with a single inner movement, saying ‘go away’
  • I am here, clear, kind of logical, focused, stable again

This can happen quite automatically, part of my personality, in fact pretty fast, if I am not present and aware, I do not even notice that I am doing it.

There are various layers of why this became ‘normal’ for me – but mostly because I recognized that I am quite impaired and limited, less effective and compromised to apply logic and common sense when I am overwhelmed with emotions related to fear.
Kind of a weakness as I have defined it, thus better to spend time within this kind of states the least possible.

So instead of facing the fear, understanding it’s reality-related connection, I just want it to go away, instead of solving it’s origin.

Within my ‘culture’ – also to be a ‘man’ – means not to get ‘soft’ but strong, rigid and solid all the time, and with emotions I felt more vulnerable, unpredictable and unstable, so pretty early I decided not to spend too much time within emotional states, thus suppression, as ‘swallowing’ the reaction, suffering, doubt and fear became my second nature.

What I have not realized, seen and understood before, is that each and every emotion suppressed is not going anywhere, but stays with me, accumulates and creates layers, blocks and another level of automatic personality behaviour within me, and the top of that, once reached some kind of limit, I just can’t hold it anymore, kind of exerting it out, without any direction, control or power over it, regardless of situation, company or consideration. And that is quite a problem.

So, that’s why I am walking DIP PRO course, writing this blog, applying self-forgiveness, to understand myself more and prevent suppressing, but solving problems, so no need to judge, react, go into inner thinking mode – as whenever I do so – I am not acting, because of doubt, fear, confusion, resistance, and when I do not act and move in reality, I internalize, I suppress, and that is a sign of facing a point and remaining within self-dishonesty.

Thus the responsibility point presents itself what I take and work with. The DIP course is invaluable within supporting and I have changed so much in the last couple of years and this blog and overall expansion and stability of mine is in a way already a living proof, yet it’s still a process, thus I keep walking the course and this blog as well.

Within the last years, especially since ended my last, quite hectic and conflicting partnership some years ago, these emotional states became less intense, I must say I was and am much-much more stable and present.

Within the current partnership I am, since quite some months, I am having experiences I never had before, more direct enjoyment, trust, sharing and opening up with myself and ‘my’ lady, and more and more I push myself to become vulnerable, feel more, let go of fear and distrust and be completely open. It is great and eternally grateful I am as step by step learning to live without doubt and fear, sometimes still stumbling but in overall this process is good.

So, in a nutshell, this is in relation to suppressing my emotions and years of walking this process allows me to trust, even when something not so comfortable or nice experience comes, as more and more I have a direct reference of how it is when I am physically here, and that becomes my foundation, where to I return from the storms my self-conditioned mind still sometimes creates.

Today was another of these storms I see now, and in a way I created it, but also it was flooding me at the same time.

The recent experiences I am going through also added to it and accumulated me to intensify certain emotions, which are uncertainty and sadness, loneliness and sorrow.

The main triggering point was that I have finished watching – well, through the last days, today ‘The Leftovers’ TV series. Without spoiling, it is a great show, if someone is interested in the deeper psychology of people, who had great traumas and those still influencing their lives to the point of very sad and insane moments from time to time.
The initial interest in it was not this topic for me, but ‘writer of Lost’ and ‘mystery’ and quality in overall, but through the seasons I found this profound value of the characters change and interaction.

The rhythm, the balance; the artistic expression combined with the great actors performance, the exceptional music – it was very emotional, – within each episode, well composed to have these peak moments, when I just had these tearful moments until the end of the whole season and closure, when I reached this total emptiness and sadness, sorrow and what I associated with it is the reality of each human individual’s constant and consistent exposure to traumatic experiences throughout our entire lives and how much that influences, compromises us, humans to do what could be best for all.

I had very busy months behind, each day, committed to do specific things and that gave me purpose, and looks like my commitment and consistent application soon fruits it’s result in the planned way, however today I was at the point of nothing more to do, yet the outcome is not yet fully manifested, and thus all of a sudden I feel empty, nothing moves me, but I also do not move either.

I know I should, also that I will, but what came was that I want to be in this emptiness, to see what’s still within the depths of me to face who I was, to embrace, to let go and focus to move on.

What did not happen with me since maybe a decade, I skipped hydrating today, usually I am drinking liters of water, and I was not hungry. Thus, I recognized that I am not in sync with my physical, so I fried a pre-made pizza, I ate, still was not hungry, but once started eating, I started to ‘come down’ with this emotional state.

Also chatted with my lady, did not want to share how I feel but we have trust and care, so decided to just concisely express myself and within writing it was another step assisting and supporting to see and recognize what I am experiencing and then become aware of how I have moved today with this whole time line of becoming emotional and started to step out of it. After drinking almost a litre water and still feeling thirsty, I finally recognized that I was kind of ‘out’ for a while and actually supporting my body, then resting more brought back and I was/am able to continue with more present, self-directive and considerate daily living.

I even could relate to some lsd acid trips, it was in a way similar experience, but not in the sense of effects, but the inner storm, ‘death’ and silence and exponentially(first slowly, then more and more directly) awakening.

In overall, I would say this was a long time emotion suppressing reaching it’s threshold to be triggered to need to be discharged and kind of exerting.

What was actually cool about it that I had no doubt that I get to stabilize soon, was no fear or even shame this time, and within crying I felt relief. Well, it was not actual sobbing, like I had in 2014 when after all struggles my ex girlfriend told me she would leave, then I was really crying for about a minute and then I was clear again.

This time was just crying, kind of submitting into the watched drama’s roller coaster, yet it was supporting in a way.

What I see here in this all as I could have done ‘better’ and will do in any case of similar ‘next time’ to anchor myself more to presence, to apply forgiveness WITHIN the storm, to accelerate self-stabilization.

Also I was not entirely certain to share it with my partner, as did not want to seem unstable or sad, but we are both very busy nowadays thus did not communicate much, so I felt better to share than to just stay quiet.

Let’s walk self-forgiveness to open up additional points towards practical solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress emotional experiences with which I can’t deal, control or stop influencing me to become unstable, and never realizing that suppressing means accumulating.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that with what I don’t learn to deal with in self-honesty, will keep controlling me and my life until I stand up and take responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself of what were the actual points, judgements and reactions I kept suppressing recently and thus accumulating to the point of exerting in a way what manifested in being moody, sad and worried and thus not being able to see what I participate within, or even prevent stepping into.

I forgive myself that I have not assisted and supported myself in the exact moment of ANY judgement, reaction or emotion I would manifest within myself with slowing down, re-aligning with physical presence and to be able to look at the point I am about to react to and suppress by believing that I can’t or do not have to deal with this right now, but will do later, or even thinking ‘I hope this will be solved, or my observation and suspicion would turn out to be not true’.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to exactly see the points with what I started to ‘have a relationship with’ as assumption, observation, belief and worry and first of all not solve it within myself, or if it is about to communicate with the person I am experiencing it relation to and I am clear on that I should engage communication with, then to do it in a way what is clear, concise and supportive for finding solution and agreement.

I will continue walking these points…

Day 339 – Energy: Admitting facts for Self-Change

webContinuing with the energy craving mentality decomposition

Its a great opportunity as at the moment getting really tired and this is when usually can this mentality be noticed.
It’s when I want to experience intensity, sense of movement, energetic experiences, excitement, tension and in overall kind of a ‘high’. Well, it’s not self-expression, as it is to compensate, to distract and actually entertain and self-stimulate, in a way simulate living, which I do not do and accepting myself not living with the mesmerizing energetic experiences I keep re-creating. Thus let’s change it!

I directly apply Self-forgiveness on upcoming points. At times I still see that I have conflict within, thus need to continue with the understanding.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself in relation to the energy craving mentality within my mind, which is almost literally ‘can attack’ when I am in doubt that I did not do all I could for the day or when I feel that I am feeling tired, but I feel that I should do more today.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that it’s not about ‘today’ what I did – as obviously if I make ‘today’ longer, then ‘tomorrow’ must become shorter as I can’t cheat time, and meaning I try to use the unit of time to compensate with the already obvious, yet not self-admitted realization that I feel as I did not do all I could, but I want to, I should to and in a way I also would do, yet feeling tired, exhausted, thus I want to feel energetic, thus I should feel the need to stimulate myself to literally ‘generate’ energy within my mind by specific patterns to participate within just to feel the day longer and within that not realizing that the fear, as it’s source is actually in the center of it all, which actually sabotages direct and effective application for the things I fear not progressing with.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that there is a mind-trick I apply with myself all the time, which is that I slice up time and creating ‘progressing’ moments and ‘let go’ or ‘give in’ moments and within this system I am not in direction and it’s basically similar construct to the spiritual/divine moments which then prioritizes moments, and when participating within the ‘not focused, self-directive’ moments, at the same time accumulating frustration and inner conflict of ‘not doing enough’, which then wanting to compensate once it’s reached a threshold, or the end of the day is coming at night, when being tired and sleepy.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am not realizing the practical common sense and the direct solution to my re-creational self-sabotaging frustration and feeling of ‘not doing enough’ experiences, which is to not give in to the ‘give up’ moments to participate, and not create judgements, frustrations in the first place, yet to be honest with myself within self-direction to see what are my needs and wants within absolute, brutal self-honesty, and if I would see needing entertainment for example, just give it to myself within my own direction, not as ‘give into’ by suppression, desire and fear of missing out, then falling into it and then losing discipline and direction.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the simple solution for my energy addiction is to be honest with myself of what I want or need, desire or strive for and then to check each and every single one of these with common sense and to see which is supportive, which I can ‘afford’ in terms of prioritizing my time and resources, effort and participation and then if it’s applicable, to ‘give’ it to myself, or if its not supportive/doable at the moment, then to decide to postpone – or if it’s not supportive at all or doable, then to let it go, forgive and focus on directly working to really let it go actively until I am clear, here, present without temptation or desire, suppression or fear(of missing out).
  • Basically be practical and structured, organized and considerate.

There are not many ‘things’ what I can fall into with suppression but in overall the reason is a self-identification, self-perfection-related self-image superimposed to who I am currently – thus there is a ‘rift’ between actual and with what I deal through my mind of myself.

Sounds creepy, although it’s a typical human thing, to not clearly see who we exactly are, but with some pink or even grey glasses so to speak, so the first step is to see actual facts and thus becoming able to work with those to align and unify all of self here through decomposing and forgiving, re-defining and re-aligning the words with I perceive, experience, express and live in the physical.

For instance if I look at honestly – I can judge myself on ‘watching TV series‘ – it can take a lot of time, it’s just entertainment, while sometimes I can do other things, but if it’s interesting I just watch – and if not interesting, I do not watch actually, so it’s time consuming – if my priorities do not progress as should, I can feel ‘uncool’ about it.

Justifications and excuses also can and should be investigated and dealt with – such as ‘I had hard working day, let’s relax’, ‘I am too tired to do anything constructive’ or ‘It’s so interesting story, relates to my life’, ‘Just one episode, or while I eat, or do this or that’…etc – it’s OK to do do it, but if I feel not good about it – I create problem within about it. And if I just let it go and ‘give in’ – and just watch without worry of other things do not progress because of this – then I might feel bad about those anyway – so no escape from self actually, not for long anyway…thus better to get clear on this…

Well, its often so subtle – ‘uncool’ – see, not as ‘bad’ – just not so cool – as there is suppression – I have this judgement, negative emotion, instant suppression – all in a split second – and then I am ‘clear’ – but it happened, it accumulates somewhere and doing it enough times and it grows to the point of not so suppressed, but as an issue.
Then all of the tiny emotional suppression altogether stand up and say HELLO – and then I can’t ignore it, well, I can’t even do anything else as I just feel that I have this tidal wave awakening within me and I have to deal with it, and man, that’s tiresome and time consuming – and then I am exhausted, spent time with: not with priority, and then dealing with my inner waves, and the (to)day comes to it’s end and I am tired, yet did not progress with things as I wanted to, and that’s the point and inner conflict of what I write about to recognize, decompose, forgive and prevent.

I mean, when hearing stories about ‘extremely effective/successful men and their actions in the world’ – they might have had similar problems but could overcome and become one whole expression to do what they committed to do, thus become very effective with – it’s not impossible, just needs structure, self-honesty, motivation, direction and self-supporting tools and apply it, one step at a time to become unified within to be able to do what one really wants. Would I also want to become this ‘very effective/successful? I do not accept self-limitations and committed to find out my utmost potential, which means to keep exploring, understanding, growing!

Well, as I mentioned, the only way is to roll up my sleeves so to speak and get into the specific details to the utmost. Here meaning of what exact topics, points I judge myself as wanting to be different than I am actually – or within that want, actually seeing myself differently as I am – here the ‘fake it until make it’ does not work, thus better to change directly than to pretend, and it starts with admitting flaws, dishonesty, mistakes.

Just a short story – my father had drinking problems and later mental health issues too – but he kept avoiding to admit these, so he was ignoring facts until grew up on him to the extent of literally losing himself and his life with the overwhelming experiences of the accumulated things he never took responsibility for.

Thus, to admit problems – is although difficult, uncomfortable, can be even shameful for a moment, yes, but necessary to align with reality, and in fact can assist and support to realize the extent of self-dishonesty and self-compromise I allow myself to live within, and thus to really decide and stand up to change.

And ‘watching series‘ is just one example – although the things I experience are complex, as can relate to to my human interpersonal relationships, difficulties to be dealt with in family, at work, career, daily things, sexual desire or suppression, bully, any doubt, distrust, to see how the world is and face sadness, shame, or in overall questioning direction of my life, or financial, money points to face – each to deal with, while not get exhausted, overwhelmed, thus to balance it out with staying healthy, effective and growing, live with enjoyment, enthusiasm and innocent yet responsible and be open and able to share insights, support – it’s an art, but the key to it all is to learn and live being honest with myself, as if this one point I ever miss, then I actually can miss ‘myself’ within it all, which then start manifesting ‘glitches’, ‘reactions’, ‘frustrations’, ‘self-judgement’, ‘frustrations’, then manifesting worries, fears, then desires, etc…

One breath at a time to walk through points – and although there are many dimensions, take one thread, which bothers the most, and walk it through – and probably open another dimensions, insights, but I keep disciplined on walking this through – and if necessary, I hold this point – and clear out another what is necessary, and once that is clear, I understand myself on why and how I do what is not supportive, then I forgive, and move on with the initial point. Sounds simple. That’s why writing is key – not just thinking through, but to walk a point, word by word, the thread of Ariadne – of sanity, self-honesty and self-direction is writing here to see the patterns as I unfold with being honest with myself until all the maze of my consciousness is mapped and I see the pattern, the way in and out and I change the maze to be direct and simple, yet supporting and effective.

So, one step ‘closer’ to see directly the patterns with I create these energy craving spirals within what are getting more and more rare, less and less intense, but still way to understand, decompose, forgive and prevent myself participating, and it also entails on how to live what I not yet, but I could and actually wanting to.

AWESOME support on this and another topics at EQAFE

Day 277 – Suppressing Conflict

IMG_1039Continuing with Suppression patterns. This time opening up CONFLICT.

Part of the problem is not to be honest with myself, thus remaining in circles of levels of my mind’s superficial self-defined reaction-loops, such as focusing to the positive and negative energies I feel by the judgements I allow to be triggered automatically and call this as my personality.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can dare to be absolutely honest with myself and directly see things without allowing to automatically apply polarity of positive or negative judgements and reactions to it.

I forgive myself that I have not developed the practical skill to be direct and honest with myself at any time, all the time and within that, never questioning why not to realize the stupidity of such self-sabotage and thus manifesting layers of self-definitions, judgements, thought-patterns to keep my mind in balance of an experience so called stability, which is in fact not real self-stability within reality, but exists only as perception, delusion: a mirage which actually requires energy and active participation of thoughts, feelings and emotions to maintain, re-create and evolve to avoid facing direct facts here, which I have defined as avoidable, because of fear of change, fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the systems I’ve created in my mind were so blunt and self-dishonest that I developed ways not to actually see and understand what I am doing, thus suppression became a habit, within which I put experiences and reactions within me ‘under the carpet’ so to speak, so then I feel not being influenced by those, I do not need to be exposed to those reactions, the source points of those reactions and thus not needing to realize that something is wrong within me and/or in the reality around me, because of another judgement or fear of loss, by a value I’ve defined as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that what I really want, which I’ve called, defined and imagined as freedom is when I do not suppress anything, yet I do not have to fear from whatever is coming up within me, because I do not judge myself, yet I do not accept anything less than who I really am within self-honesty, meaning that I do not accept any self-limitation by my mind and committing myself to find practical ways to bring out and live my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that in order to have an experience of freedom, I’ve defined it the way as I was able to in the times when I was unable to deal with fear, self-limitation and self-dishonesty, and since then I’ve allowed patterns and habits, automatic behaviour within my mind and actual physical actions to continue to be acted out in the belief that this is what’s right and the possibly best to do, meanwhile if I slow down within, if I question my reasoning, my reactions, my starting point, the possible consequences, I can easily see, that the best practical solution is to stop my mind to move and start trusting myself by directly moving myself without any patterns from the past and accumulate actual self-knowing without any self-definitions, thoughts, feelings or emotions to be relied upon.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am not aware of the occasions when I fear of being confronted, being rejected, being attacked, being resisted and automatically avoiding such situations, conversations, people and the same within myself: to open up specific points within me what not wanting to face, take responsibility for and answer within absolute self-honesty so then I would realize the necessity and common sense to stop it immediately.

I forgive myself that I have not realized and understood what are the reasons and justifications, excuses and self-definitions within me what I give permission to influence, direct me not to stop suppressing and avoiding confrontational and conflicting situations with others and within myself, and thus not naming the game, so I am beating around the bush, whitewashing the facts, so I do not realize how much I sabotage myself and preventing myself to actually, really live.

I forgive myself that I have defined to be unpleasant when being in conflict with someone, because I’ve defined that the person when I meet her/him, then tends to become emotional and reactive, uncomfortable and unpleasant experience and not realizing that it does not have to become like that and what I feel is completely my responsibility and within that I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can change myself to not become reactive and emotional even within conflicting situations.

I forgive myself that I have defined the amount of inner conflict I have to be dependent on the external conflict I am within, thus automatically become conflicted within when I am in interaction with someone within a conflict, meaning not agreeing on something and also not accepting that based on starting points what we also might not agree within of why.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that if I do not face external confrontations, then that means that I am free from internal conflict too and thus being actually free and not realizing that I am actually dependent on avoiding specific situations externally and also suppressing specific thoughts, feelings and emotions within.

I forgive myself that I have not realized why I become emotional, reactive and losing my presence within conflicting situations, externally with others or internally with myself and thus becoming so charged up, that I lose the experience of stability I had before and within that I am becoming unpredictable and my experience of presence also becomes more uncomfortable, because I am acting out automatically based on patterns of who I have defined and accepted myself to be the character of ‘within the conflict’.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the actual methods and ways of how I evolved suppression into a split second action wherein I am automatizing it to happen to the degree of not even being aware of it, just to preserve the experience of stability, which in fact is not real, because being dependent on the suppression and the conditions of which the suppression can happen and be maintained.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I fear being within external conflict, that means that I fear of losing something, which I actually do not have, but I want to keep the illusion of having it without admitting that it’s an illusion, thus by having the strategy of avoiding conflicts, creating the reality of not having conflicts, while the very existence and my habit of avoiding conflicts is actually the main conflict within my life, because it becomes self-limitation, which, as I feel being conflicted by, again: I suppress, distract myself, try to avoid situations and inner reactions to face, realize, understand it, thus deepening the self-sabotage, self-delusion and self-dishonesty.
Okay, going somewhere, this conflict point seems to be a key within the ‘act’ of suppression, so I will continue with this…

Day 276 – Suppression to forgive

IMG_1191Let’s continue Suppression investigation with a ‘free ride’ Self-forgiveness flow. Whatever comes as I realize in the moment as I could do more self-honestly, I give a shot for change with wording the pattern I understand as how and why I participated within.

It’s like archaeology, I know that something relevant happened in the past, now I got this ‘dig site’, as I started to build something in my life and then as I was working for the basement, found some ruins within my mind which can tell a history and deeper understanding about myself.

I forgive myself that I have believed that suppression is good for me, because I can remain stable and continue with the process I was participating within, which actually caused quite some stirring and energetic movements within me, what started to influence me to the state of becoming unstable, which I got afraid of, thus I pushed it down in my mind, my body and just wanted to get it behind me and not realizing that my body is where my real awareness exists, and it remembers, it stores and it contains everything I participate within, just I am not seeing, feeling, BEING it, because I exist on the conscious mind level, which is extremely limited.

I forgive myself that I have not realized what suppression actually is, which is trying to escape from reality here and using the body to store the energy, to deal with the tension, which originates from self-judgement, inner friction, conflict and fear, what I do not want to face or see, thus developed techniques to ‘swallow’ the tension, the emotional reaction, the energetic experience to get back into my apparently stable conscious mind experience, where I can feel that I am the director, even if I am not, because I am completely subjected to my past preprogrammed judgement-reaction personality and the external circumstances I find myself within.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I do not look at something, if I do not allow it to become aware of, if I do not open myself and my mind to it to experience, feel it – it does not mean it’s not here, it’s not existing, even if this ‘thing’ is within myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the simple principle of what I resist persists, thus also not realizing that anything and everything I suppress, I will have to face it eventually and if I do not actively open it up to take responsibility for everything I suppressed, that means those things will accumulate and will manifest an overwhelming experience, wherein I have no directive power, I can become possessed with the energetic state, the mind-construct and the nature of the relationship and self-definitions of the words in that relationship.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that there is no middle ground within self-honesty – I do participate within the mind and then basically accumulating suppression and self-sabotage in a moment, or I am expressing myself and walking through consequences and accumulating self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to complicate things within myself when it comes to self-honesty and becoming confused of the actual problems I face and wondering around of what could be the solution, meanwhile if I do not see what could support me acting towards practical solution, I am still participating within a mind-construct, as mind-construct, from where I do not see a simple solution, thus I have to stop participating in that construct, which then I word down and apply self-forgiveness to what I accepted until I am here and I am empty, silent, yet directive, as simply as I breathe here – and if it’s not that simple, then I investigate, write, ask for support, keep forgiving for the reasons I see of not being able to see, realize and understand my limitations.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that thinking as humans usually ‘do’ is actually suppression, when I have inner conversation, backchat, automatic ‘free’ association, semi-automatic judgments, comparisons – that is not ‘doing’, that is already a manifestation of doubt, uncertainty, fear, because if I would really understand, know and believe within myself, I would not ‘stop’ for thinking, especially with the fact that all I ever think is actually the repetition of past and past judgments; but I would express, speak, act and live, directly, without any need for participating within thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that resisting to acknowledge, realize and understand how and why thinking is suppression is also part of the automatic, self-judgemental mind-construct I gave permission to run, behave as myself and thus superimposing the whole physical beingness of who I am, and thus indeed manifesting to be and become what I think, but only that, which is extreme self-limitation, because relies on my past thinkings, external trigger-point based condition-rule-system and energetic states which I did not yet understood how they work, because if I would, I would really know, that this way of ‘living’ is not actual living, but a manifested protection mechanism for self-interest, fear to not needing to acknowledge the fact that I am not free and being enslaved no one else, but myself actually.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that suppression as dominant mind-pattern is the result of a self-accepted strategy for fearing conflict, fearing change and fearing to let go the past, because what I face, see, feel and experience makes me being disturbed, wanting to resist to feel, fearing from being influenced by, so I deliberately distract myself with something else, and as I see this method sort of working, I do it until I can, and within that ‘strategy’ – I literally try not to take responsibility for what I experience, and when it eventually comes, I will not be prepared and I will again resist it, so basically will go back to square one, where I started, thus simply losing time and effort until I eventually realize that I have to stand up and change this pattern – as myself equally.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that suppression can be stopped by investigating, decomposing and forgiving the patterns my mind constitutes and within doing that, I stop identifying myself with the pattern I study in my mind, and also stop identifying myself with the thoughts/feelings/emotions I try to suppress to see what is actually the issue here to be able to understand that and solve the problem.

What excuses and justifications I could see for deliberate suppression to act ‘out’?

Politeness, morality, self-judgement, fear of loss, fear of instability, fear of change, fear of fear.

Every day I focus on expressing myself and stop judging and not being afraid to make mistakes as that is actually part of the learning process. It started to become more clear, when are the trigger points can kick in, wherein I would go into ‘awkwardness’, ‘doubtfulness’, ‘shyness’ and even ‘shame’ sometimes, which seems weird, but that is what I see as I walk through the layers of the mind, which I take responsibility for to change as myself.

I will continue from this point…

Day 275 – Suppression to stop

IMG_3827The EQAFE series of Quantum Physical provides exceptional support by looking at the physical manifestation of the self-acceptance and
mind-personalities on the human face.

These interviews are supporting with the point of SUPPRESSION:

Throughout my life I’ve been working on this point as I have the tendency to swallow and suppress experiences, energetic states, judgments, emotions and basically any kind of points within myself I did not want or could not face, take responsibility for or acknowledge the need for change, justified by various excuses and justifications.

Today the tendency of suppression within me is like 1/100th of what I used to participate within, but still existing, can undermine self-trust and stability, thus it’s something I take responsibility for and work on it actively until it’s gone.

I am going to open up this point slowly as first allowing myself to freely write about suppression, some memories from my past to bring up and then will focus to physical aspect of the act of suppression, what do I feel, experience and see within myself, what are the signs within/on my body when I participate within the mind-patterns of suppression to support myself to prevent participating within it.

It’s not that I consciously want to suppress anything – there were times when I used to, but those times has passed and with walking Process since a while, having the Desteni group as support platform to share and ask, with the exceptionally mindblowing material provided by EQAFE, and the awesome Self-empowering online course of Desteni I Process and it’s buddy support; I am more than ready to face anything within me to take responsibility for, so let’s walk.

Any time you, the reader feeling like can relate, would have something to add or suggest, don’t be shy, that’s why we walk our process openly, so then we can multiply realization and assist each other by cross-referencing the practical knowledge of understanding, correcting and re-defining ourself for good.

Throughout my life of more than 36 years, I’ve never seen any pattern, thought-construct, emotional state, conviction, belief or judgement within myself what I could not open up, decompose and fully understand if I would take the decision, commitment and actual physical time and effort to open up, investigate, word it, write down and understand, thus I am certain that human nature as it is today can be changed, thus humanity as a group of individuals also can be changed with actual, self-honest action, and that’s what I am doing here, starting here, with what I have authority and power over: myself here.

I’ve seen so many people around Desteni to change, to let go their shame, shyness, guilt and powerlessness and emerge as stable, responsible and shining individuals, who’ve became active part of society and actually making a difference with principled living.

I understand that many people have problem with ‘Principle’ as I’ve been there too, but here I am, I am accumulating efforts to consistently live by the principle of self-honesty, self-forgiveness and physical birthing myself as responsible for all as equal as one as myself.

Suppression, as it is, a self-protection mechanism, which, within it’s flawed nature, still reflects back self-acceptance as who I allow myself to be.

There are several physical symptoms, I’ve experienced during my life what indicated, and still today, sometimes coming back saying ‘Hello, I am still here!’ Just to list some up, for instance I had ulcer within my stomach, as I was digesting up myself to the point of self-destruction and for a while that sickness really got me a literal taste of personal hell. At these moments, the digesting acid feels like coming up even to the point of my throat, which was biting the whole swallow area, and literally feeling like ‘acidic’ experience, which was quite uncomfortable. Since I’ve visited Desteni Farm and talked with Resonances through the Portal, I’ve got direct support to recognise this before really happening, so when I allow the mind to really grow on me and going into judgement, emotions, suppressions, to recognise and then let it go and stabilize myself, but I never fully applied decomposition, self-forgiveness and real change to the full extent, so this is also a point to look at here.

Also sometimes I can have the tendency to chew my mouth from within, which seems weird, but somehow when being in stress, tension or exhaustion, this feels like giving some energy, but actually I was again: eating myself up within by constant self-judgement, shame and guilt, literally manifesting it as eating my own flesh up to the point of having little scars in my mouth. The interesting point within that was that once there was some ‘flaw’ in the flesh within, it seemed easier to just continue eating myself and always re-starting before the flesh healing it. Well, this was never extreme, so never had ‘problems’ from it, but within self-honesty, this has never was really stopped.

When I was kid, I used be really a daydreamer, constant thinker, I felt like with the thoughts I actually could virtualise all possible scenarios before any action and think everything through, like ‘simulations’ to run and then what I felt the best, after seeing what to I react the most positive way, I heavily relied to my mind-personality to tell me what to do. This made me awkwardly slow within action and extremely limited within actual communication with others, especially with those, who I really wanted the best to happen with, such as women, or initiative, powerful people.
I was thin, really white skinned boy and among the physically more developed, brown-skinned others, who were much more ‘physical’ and strong, I felt that my only chance is to be really smart, to use my mind, my logic, my ‘processing power’, which I did, and many times it really worked, and gave me the ability to figure out things and also make things more efficiently, but many times really made things much worse, because if worry or fear influenced my reactions or reasoning, I twisted my perception and judgements based on emotions, which I really not like. That’s why I started to develop suppression. In a split second, there is reaction, emotion, vast amount of energy, what was ready to influence my pure, clinical logic of assessing with precision, so then I suppressed it. Like a superhero thing, there is this scar, a bullet hit me, and in the moment feel it, but in the next, I am ‘whole’ again. That I liked, but did not realize that what I suppress, accumulates, and when it’s full within me, then it’s energy, the whole thing comes alive and takes over, I am kind of possessed so to speak and then do stupid things, feeling like being in a rage and wanting to destruct all structure within me – and even sometimes I did hurt others too, luckily not much, but those times I was really ashamed, so then I’ve learnt to use that for energizing the mind with shame to suppress even more to try to ‘perfectly endure’ everything, what would make me unstable or would lose the logical mind.

This made me a great fighter, but only within myself, having enormous battles for control, stability and accepted as my nature – if something can really win an energetic, emotional war within me, then I identified myself with it and even if meanwhile I was unstable on all levels, I stuck with it as felt like this is life, this is who I am and this means to really be alive, but this took me to some really-really unpleasant situations and places on earth, where I had to reconsider that this is not the way I want to live.

Since walking Process, I’ve realized that I do not need to fight, or even resist things as no matter what I learn, reveal, understand or discover within me, I can change, I can change that aspect of myself, so no need to judge myself, no need to fear facing anything, but committing myself to change, finding practical ways to accumulate effort to manifest that change. The very words I think, feel and act are really important to investigate, what do I mean by ‘that’, what do I associate by ‘this’ and where do I see fear, resistance, desire, where I go into emotional reaction and instead of suppression, what can I do to embrace, stop and re-align myself with more direct, self-trusting and self-honest living.

For introduction, this is enough, I will continue more details on suppression to see it from different angles.

In the meantime I really suggest to utilize EQAFE interviews for more understanding on human mind-behavior as it is imperative to take responsibility for our actions and inabilities for the proper actions. Even the price of an interview seems like a lot, within UK, it’s the price of a pack of cigarettes, and also by paying that, one can support the creators of EQAFE, who are dedicated their life relentlessly to record and share as much as possible support. So, for me, those coins really worth the price. And there are many-many hours length of audio books there, which are free, for instance every series/categories are up there, the first 5 is always free.

Equal Life Foundation has many platforms for Education, many are free and providing professional self-support, life-coaching, which seems as fancy, but in fact it’s a million times evolved version of any spiritual/religious/psychological studies I’ve ever found on Earth, so before you judge, give it a try, it’s totally free:

Thanks, enjoy, bye