From my last post, walking this with Self-forgiveness – the universe’s greatest support as it’s about becoming aware of patterns I accepted and taking responsibility for stop participating by understanding the specificity of how I behave automatically and within that I get a chance to see the pattern before doing it and thus being able to say – I did this and realized that it’s not the best, let’s just stop acting this out and see what’s possible besides this particular pattern….
I almost always used to be a nice guy, someone to be liked or respected, but that was never true me. There is suppressed anger and desires what can be exerted if really poked around, ‘better keep the animal tamed’.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be the nice guy in order to not have resistance in the world by being liked, accepted, respected simply by the judgments I made about the things I focus doing based on I believing those to be good and nice, thus hoping that others judge those – and thus me – also as good and nice.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to question why need to want to be good and nice, and something I want to be recognized as, but with common sense it literally tells that in fact, I am not good, but I have to act as in order to be seem as good and within that not considering how I define, perceive and experience myself in terms of my polarity definition of good and bad and why.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not admit to myself that I define and feel, experience and judge myself as not being good enough and not being specific on what good here means and thus automatically and vaguely allowing associations to various points without being aware of.
- I forgive myself that I have not specified for myself when I fall into the fear of ‘not being good enough’ of what I really mean, and why, and thus creating an overall feeling, a reaction, an energetic mind-state, which I do not admit how much influences and stimulates me to activate certain personality patterns, such as doubt, worry, anxiety, fear and paranoia.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that the not good enough pattern originates from mixing up and bouncing back and forth between ‘wanting to be better’ and ‘fearing to be wrong’ without specificty.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity of purifying my mind, associations and reactions to the word ‘GOOD’ and within that to admit that it only refers to what it is my interest currently without stability, understanding and consistency, but being automatically driven by the context, the inner set and outer settings I allow to be determined by preprogrammings I do not admit, want to realize or being completely unaware of.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being BAD, meaning selfish, evil, not effective, not helpful, not compassionate, not considerate and benevolent, and within each action fearing to do something wrong, causing irreversible consequences I can’t fix but would stay and define, determine my remaining existence, thus always trying to analyse and virtualize, model and simulate causes and effects by my limited thoughts, feelings and emotions, and within that not realizing that with the starting point of fear, the complete preoccupation within the mind-participation what I manifest is that I am not present, I am reactive, not directive and thus I focus to create what I wish to avoid by giving creation to what I focus to, which is here is what I am afraid of.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized the effective use of my mind by considering options within clear presence, meaning no reactions, no running thoughts, but simply look at things, understanding and considering, but definitely not accumulate worry and frustration, emotional charges and fear.
- I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to recognize the self-deception and self-sabotage within participating in ANY pattern of ‘fear of not being good, good enough’ and within recognition of it, immediately taking the initiative movement and direction to STOP doing it and focusing to what’s here, what I can do and how I should do it to support direct action.
- I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to use my observations constructively within development and expansion by allowing fear to be the starting point and not realizing the simplicity to stop and re-align with written, spoken and living words.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not raise my voice, then I am considered as a nice guy, and within that desiring to be judged by others as nice, which if I really look at is not a real descriptive word, but a ‘feeling’, being subjective, and also part of a polarity system of nice – not nice/ugly, wherein wanting to be seem as nice exposes the experience or fear of being not nice/ugly/bad.
- I forgive myself that I have judged, defined and categorized myself as not nice, not being good enough and in general not being capable enough within the comparison patterns I allow to run freely in my mind, feeding by my initial doubt and insecurity experience in the world and not being honest with myself of being afraid to be rejected, excluded and disregarded by others within the fear that I can’t live, stand and expand alone by myself and within that not trusting myself.
- I forgive myself that I have not admitted to myself that I do not fully trust myself always, unconditionally, because of the memories I remember and fall back to react to of when I was giving up, giving in and not pushing through resistances and fears, allowing myself to be defined by fear and my perceived weaknesses and allowing this fear to become norm and being triggered at challenging situations.
- I forgive myself that I have not admitted that how I deal with challenges, resistances and problematic situations is that I have an initial experience of polarity within feeling or emotion, fed by thought patterns, which create a state of energetic experience and consciously trying to overcome it by stimulating and manipulating myself to accumulate the opposite experiences I originally accept and allow, for resistances to get obsessed by a desire to break and fight through.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that I created the perfect prison for myself by the self-balancing artificial intelligence of my mind consciousness system, as always working in polarities of good and bad, positive and negative and accepting to have auto-activating patterns to each situation I experience, wherein always striving to acclaim neutral states from polarity extremes, but always and only in the confinement of those energetic polarity frequency domains, thus never be really free.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that direct self-expression and self-trust to develop and accumulate only can be manifested by decomposing all the patterns of my mind and to see what is real and fact on the physical reality level and where I go into delusion and self-dishonesty and to stop participating within those patterns by applying self-forgiveness, self-corrective and self-commitment statements to assist and support myself to live the change directly in the moments of participation.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that suppressed anger I experience is because I omit to live the opportunities I see and go through by worry and fear, and within that judging myself as bad – thus reinforcing the whole ‘want to be good’ pattern even more, instead of letting go the anger, the doubt and focus to what’s here in front of me, at my physical location, on my awareness level to take responsibility for and realizing that consideration can be applied in the principle of what is best for all participants to support structuring, planning, directing and living my expression without accepting doubt within what I do – or if doubt seems unstoppable, to decompose it as it’s a pattern and to plan even further to focus on what’s practical common sense to do, or ask for assistance from others if applicable.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that any and all anger I experience towards anything or anyone is ALWAYS towards and in relation to myself as anger in it’s true form exposes powerlessness and fear, thus that is the key part to focus to within any anger-triggering situation and to prevent myself to fall into exerting it towards myself or others.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my exerting anger aspect as ‘tamed beast’ and wanting to control it by self-manipulation and suppression and not realizing that what I suppress is also myself and a potential to grow and for that I always will create more friction, more resistance, desire and fight within myself, which literally takes away my freedom and honesty.
So, this is a start, more to come – in the meantime also focusing on becoming aware of patterns when ‘falling over to the other side’ – as from doubtful, insecure to become blunt and overconfident, but as mentioned before, that is also a form of polarity fight within, and within that aspect, manifests as a total denial and sabotage of any true and honest self-expression.