Day 349 – Word Relationship

IMG_3474Continuing on decomposing, forgiving and transcending my relationship -and in a way love-related misinterpretations, misalignments and self-dishonesty.

Tonight I had quite an overwhelming set of realizations during my Quantum Change Kinesiology session as received so specific support and I suggest everyone to consider to book for a session as it’s so direct and clear.

I have created quite a road-map and plan on how I am going to forgive, correct and change all the points I’ve been supported to become aware of, and this is how and where I start.

The pattern today I work on – although in my last blog I mentioned the word Abandoned – I also had to realize, in a way I have been abandoning my self-honesty, which I have to embrace and actually create and it beings with the word relationship.

Already having a lot of new insight and understanding about the mistakes and patterns I’ve made, but I do not have regret, although at this point I am uncertain of how much consequences I’ve created, but definitely making the best of learning from my already made mistakes as they have revealed quite a lot of things to be self-corrected and re-defined.

So. RELATIONSHIP.

Here comes a random associative self-forgiveness of what I see currently, thus starting to structure the direction of with I substantiate the realizations I started to see.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize and understand of what associations, definitions, expectations and convictions I’ve attached to the word Relationship, and within that not being aware of what I feed within my energetic mind unconsciously, wherein, whenever I relate to, think about, talk or act about relationship, I also energize, ‘light up’ in my mind these associations without me being aware of it, thus accumulating reactions, behavior, whole personality manifestations, which I would believe, describe and live out as who I would perceive myself to be, meanwhile it’s all just accumulation of structured self-definition statements, beliefs and hopes.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within relationship I have to sacrifice parts of myself, aspects I would believe I could only live as being alone, and thus relationship is about submitting myself for something I believed as ‘greater good’ and within that not realizing that whenever I am giving up on myself – it’s self-separation, thus it’s self-dishonesty, self-abuse, thus should be a wake-up call warning of what I participate within is self-dishonest, thus I should stop and start investigating to understand to the utmost specificity.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have defined relationship as something where I have to give up freedom, self-will and independent stability in order to be able to mold into this entity of ‘being part of a relationship’ and within that not realizing that relationship is just a bigger structure of parts of ‘atomic’ already existing relationships, wherein I only can consist of a relationship with someone or something, as an already existing relationship with myself here, which then influences, determines the outcome of the greater relationship I start to participate within and thus not realize the responsibility to sort out all dishonesty I accept with myself first and whatever I experience as projection/blame to the ‘greater/external’ relationship as something not , should be also reflected back to self here.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to submit into things in a way of self-sacrifice and defining it as honorable and ego-less, and not realizing that if I sacrifice my self-honesty, it’s definitely an ego as there is a reason for why I would give up on myself, especially with a belief and self-conviction of that this is actually good, and that’s how relationship could work, meanwhile I am submissive only in order to compensate a fear, an insecurity and thus wanting the ‘relationship itself’ to secure me, to fulfill me, to elevate and make me whole and within this, not realizing that anything separated from self can’t do anything really for me, except to be less stable and honest, confused and lost.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define relationship as something I have to make it work, no matter what, and within that not realizing that I am not looking at relationship as self-expression, but as separate from self, and thus it’s all superficial and projected, and I focus to the consequence, the creation of consequence, instead of the source, which is that how I define and maintain my relationship with the word and definition, expression and living of: relationship itself within myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I fear from relationship not working out, because that I would automatically judge/define/react to as that I am failed within relationship, because I have failed to make it work, therefore I am failed, therefore I am nothing – and within these thought-processes not realizing that I value relationship more than self here, thus making it superior than myself, unconsciously, yet deliberately, not directly, thus obviously and within that automatically positioning myself into inferiority, submission.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that due to my memories and judgements of my past in relation to relationship, I do not want to fail relationship and within that starting point creating my primary relationship with ‘relationship’ itself through fear, fear of failure, fear of loss and not understanding that this is self-dis-empowerment and self-denial and not realizing how and why I actually do it – such as believing that within relationship I could become something greater, and not realizing that I will still be who I express myself here at this moment, thus I should not stop decomposing and forgiving the self-dishonest patterns I constitute of.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have defined myself as too proud, stubborn and selfish within my past and my past relationships and and currently still holding to this idea of this is who I am, although I have changed already, but not allowing to live out that change as mentally still ‘being stuck’ in that past, instead of forgiving myself of what I did in the past and thus allowing and directing myself to let go and really change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within judging my past relationships as failures(because I am not within any of those anymore) I am accepting a fear of failing the current/next as well, instead of standing up to any, slightest, smallest reaction of fear and make my stand and forgive myself for what I have accepted and allowed to do and/or not do.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have misinterpreted relationship and points relation to it as something to blame and not realizing that it’s all within my starting point and if I do not reflect back to self all I project out to relationship itself, I am making a fool of myself by fighting with my own shadow as any problem I encountered was not about the relationship or partner, but who I tried to deny about myself, thus creating this separation, this inferiority and false need to sacrifice myself.

Bringing back to Self all relationship-related mind-thought/emotion-tentacles is common sense here.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, a lot to uncover and correct, but it’s time to rest.

If I look into myself – no energetic movements at the moment. Some slight resistance to breathe naturally, I need to push, move myself, but it’s actual self-movement – breathe in, embrace all of existence, hold, no movement, silence, darkness – then out breath, equalizing self with all what’s here, then again – breathe in, embrace and direct.

Lot of physical experiences I perceive, just as sleepiness too – but this time not by unconscious resistance to face a point within self, but actual physical tiredness.

It’s great to do all I can today, so tomorrow can continue as well. Still a lot to correct, but one breath at a time.

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Day 348 – Rejection, Blame and Help

IMG_5972I look at these points today:

  1. Fear of rejection, blame
  2. Facing unknown, asking for help

Fear of rejection

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being rejected as defining it that it means I am unworthy, not good enough, I did something horrible, I am bad person and within these self-judgments not realizing that these come up automatically by the word of rejection, without looking at the situation, what happened, how it happened, why it happened.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being rejected as then I would automatically fall into self-judgement of I am not good enough/bad/horrible and within that fear I focus on not being rejected and by that starting point I am not fully here within self-expression, but always looking at angles of how and why I could become rejected and working against it, and within that actually making it real without realizing it.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I fear from being rejected by myself, meaning when I am being triggered with the word ‘rejected‘ – by someone else for instance, then I do judge myself as ‘rejected’ and thus automatically defining myself as not good enough/bad, etc, and then I fall into that anger and self-hate, which I do not like, as if it happens I believe that it’s true, meaning all my life was mistake and I am failure and within all these not realizing that it’s a domino effect in my mind, one triggers another from something real going into totally surreal.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the petrifying fear of being rejected was always self-accepted within me, and within last years I did not face, experience it because I made myself believe that I do not care, there is nothing or noone who I would care about, of if I would be rejected, I would not care or matter for me, and all of a sudden here is someone and something I care for, would like to walk towards, expand with and walk into as my life, and facing extreme fear from rejection and within that not realizing that this fear of rejection was constantly within me, just I have suppressed it and I justified why I should not care before, and made my life to automatically avoid situations of this fear of rejection to be triggered, just now I obviously could not make myself believe that I don’t care as I do actually.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have tendencies to judge myself without realizing it, without recognizing the trigger points, without experiencing the energy rush, the disconnect from physical presence, breath and self-direction.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that judging myself, fearing from being rejected by myself or others is doubt and giving up on myself as within something happens and I define that I am done, I have fallen, and I believe that I can’t learn from it, I can’t realize, I can’t change, I can’t grow, prevent and solve – meanwhile if I look at things with common sense, the exact point I am facing – there might be actual solution, just I do not look, as busy focusing to reactions instead of solution itself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that it’s ok if someone rejects me as it might be just the best practical and supportive decision and action for the person to do and within not liking, defining as bad for me, I actually disregard the other within this equation, situation as instead of first to look at how and why the other made this decision, I immediately focus to my own interest, which is not to be rejected, but embraced, accepted.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I fall into despair and self-judgement any and every time I am being rejected by others, then I am basically ready to give up my decision, plan, motivation, direction on any resistance, difficulty or mistake, meanwhile also to recognize that it does not mean to completely disregard what others react/communicate/want, and yet still keep pushing, but it is to recognize that my approach might needs adjustment or simply to accept that what I want might not work in this specific scenario – the point is there is no rule, law, algorithm, what could be applied, but each time I must be reality aware and self-honest and thus make decision and action accordingly.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that being rejected does not mean that who I am is worthless, thus to accept to blame and bash myself whenever rejection comes into context as it is self-abuse, which I commit myself to stop.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not judge or punish myself when I am being rejected, then I might become psychopath and someone who does not care about what others want or not want and I would become this person who forces his will to others and within that not realizing that who I really am as Life expression, when and as I am present and self-directive, self-honest and considerate, I do not force myself to others, which I actually know already, thus this is an excuse to keep hooked on self-judgmental thoughts, energetic experiences, which I realize I have to stop, prevent and purify from myself completely.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from become a big ego and selfish person if I do not regulate and judge myself within with thoughts, feelings and emotions, and within that not realizing that these patterns are very limited forms of expression and all related to doubt and fear, thus any occurrence of these appear, I should self-investigate and take responsibility for stopping and re-aligning within direct action.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized my fear-based relationship with rejection, and my tendency to deny/suppress and avoid it by not trying to accomplish, achieve, get done things what I was not absolutely sure about that I will do/achieve/succeed – and thus not expanding, but remaining within my self-limitation cage to prevent myself facing and triggering the experience of rejection.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if someone rejects me, my idea, my approach, my plan, my proposal, etc – does not mean that I should fall into total self-doubt, fear and reaction of fear of loss, fear of fear and start judging myself as worthless and lost, but to realize that I did an approach and that approach in that specific situation did not work, that is all.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I gotta let this fear go and embrace rejection, to also see – it’s okay to be rejected, and the relevant thing is how I handle/understand/use this rejection for practical application.

  • When and as I am about to face a possibility, option, chance for rejection, I realize, remind myself that it’s OK to be rejected, I trust myself and I focus to do the best I can, which means also not worrying, fearing of rejection.
  • When and as I participate within fear of rejection, abandonment, I stop reacting and I snap out of it, I breathe, I re-align physically, and I look at the source of my rejection, what I should focus to apply the best practical way possible.
  • When and as I fear from being rejected by someone, I realize that I can have tendency to judge myself, to push and banish myself, thus I recognize this pattern and I do not give into it.
  • When and as I think that I am rejected, I stop judging myself as I am bad/not good enough, I take a deep breath immediately and I re-align with body awareness and embrace the fact that I am rejected, it’s about my approach within that situation, not entirely as who I am, thus I allow and direct myself to remain at the center of my being, within self-direction, self-trust and self-honesty and to accept it what it is and also to consider it might not entirely about me but of course the other is also walking their process and facing points, applying the best possible decision for their life, which is also to be respected in a way as I would like to be respected equally.
  • I commit myself to not go into self-judgement and self-punishment reactions when I am about to or being rejected and to focus for reality awareness, to understanding of specificity of the situation and to look for options and the decision of what I find as best practical approach from this point and moment now.
  • I commit myself to not give into the domino effect of from rejection to self-hate and suppression of anger, but to snap out of this chain-reaction at the beginning and when I inevitably see that I am about to or being rejected, I accept it, I do not judge, I embrace it and I remain present, unwavering and directive.
  • I commit myself to decompose all patterns, associations, personality traits in relation to rejection and within self-honesty to remove, stop, change all aspects what are tainted with, influenced by, controlled through fear and I let go the fear energy and experience.
  • I commit myself to develop self-trust and self-integrity, self-honesty and clarity when facing others, when asking for something I resist – and to consider rejection but not in an energetic reaction way, but as a valid option within the situation, thus use imagination constructively, not destructively as based on fear, but by really be aware of all practical options with respect.
  • I commit myself to always respect other’s decision and action to reject something from me as realizing, that’s maybe the best decision for the person and all I can do is to share, communicate more if I see that as reasonable to support the other to understand, but ultimately, it’s their choice to accept or reject me or my proposal or my offer or my support or myself in overall and I focus to ensure that I do all I can and see where that takes.
  • I commit myself to see/realize and understand that as I also reject something or someone sometimes, it’s also can be ok if I am being rejected and I should learn from it and to see what I can do better next time if the opportunity would present itself.
  • I commit myself to, if applicable, to not give up after one or more rejection(s), if it is something I am absolutely certain about that it’s the best for all participants.
  • I commit myself to realize that if someone keeps resisting me or my offer/action, etc, then it’s proving the situation to be obviously something I should re-consider, re-align, release, based on practical common sense.

BLAME

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the person who rejects me as projecting my self-anger towards someone who I try to project responsibility for, because I am not taking it, I am not applying it, thus I should take it all back to Self, Here.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever blame anyone or anything within this world and not realizing that it’s giving my power away as allowing myself to remain convinced that who I blame is/are the responsible, not me, thus also believing that I have no power over things.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify blaming someone by righteousness and not wanting to admit any mistake I might have made, but within the possession of blame and righteousness, I don’t even know if I made mistake or not, as if I would not like to know and then face the fact that I might have(made mistake).
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for experiences I am having within myself about rejection and not realizing that everything I feel within my thoughts, feelings and emotions are due to my own permissions, my own initiative, my own responsibility, and if I keep I project out this responsibility to others, I have no power over what’s going on within myself, thus I am just a puppet of my self-accepted personality patterns of fear.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have never looked at all the vast scale of experiences I can have within myself, from low to up, from enjoyment to resistances, from confusion to clarity – and did not realize that I can own all of these and to stand as unified and responsible and to see and understand that I cannot experience feel or think anything I would not give permission within myself to do, thus if I feel that I am being influenced to feel anyhow by someone else, it’s because I created automatic behavior in my mind to behave according to events, trigger points, experiences and if by anything I give into worry, fear, specifically fear of loss, fear of rejection, that means I must stop participate within these patterns and re-align with practical common sense and to look at reality, work with facts and become aware of what’s really happening here in the physical realm, where I can really work with others and actual events, not just within my mind to react and then to react to my reactions while trying to cope with what’s going on around me.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that until I do not take responsibility for all my life, events, experiences, then I have no chance to stand up and have ability to direct the things around me as I would always find a way to justify why I am the prey, the victim, the one who was hurt by forces outside of self, and this is self-defeat, self-dishonesty and self-diminishment, thus I commit myself to stop, prevent myself to blame or run from responsibility.

I am responsible for all the experiences, emotions, thoughts and feelings I am accepting and allowing, creating and accumulating within me and thus I stand up to them as self-reflection and to embrace without judgement, I understand without justification, I stop without reaction and I re-align without fear.

Leap of faith, stepping into the unknown

Each time I walk into something new, I am going to face an aspect of myself, which is not yet known, that’s why it’s new.
But in a sense, every day is new, even when I am within a perception of timeloop, when every day going to work, of a similar pattern repeating, actually there is structural similarity, but if I really look at it and into myself without judgement or reaction, each day is completely new, including opportunities, challenges and points to expand with.

I am grateful that I have the decision, the ability and the self-direction to change my life to something new and I am grateful for everyone who supported or still supports me, for those who I can thank for, I do, for those who I can’t directly thank to – I commit myself to not take it entirely personally and naturally express myself in a way of give as I have been received as I would like to receive.

In this world, where resources and opportunities seem so limited, it’s great to initiate and give if I am capable of – and it’s not even about money or material giving, but attention, just to be there for others or letting them know that I can be ‘here’ for them for anything they would require.

It’s something what I had to learn the hard and long way that if there is difficulty, it’s OK to accept and hell yes! to ASK for support as well – I was totally convinced that it’s the worst thing to ask for help as it means that I am weak and fool, compromised and vulnerable, but as I have learned more and more about how things are working in this world, without actual and personal judgement, I was fool not to accept support even when could have been great!

As it’s never about me, myself only, but everyone in my reality, close ones, more distanced ones, the whole humanity and existence as a whole in a way! And the sooner I can stand up, the quicker the world becomes a better place.

I was also convinced that it worth more if I do solve/stand up/help myself alone, because then I was the one, who did it, no one can say that it was not me, who helped myself, and also I was able to really prove that I am alone good enough.

So there can be seen a fear of not being good enough and the addiction possession to need to prove within this mind-possessive state of ‘me against the world’.

Whether we accept or not – humans are social beings and we are slightly or more directly all interconnected, thus to look at it by ‘me‘ – is quite limited – the opposite of being smart actually.

Intelligence does not mean it’s always advantage, especially if emotions and worries can cloud one’s mind, thus slowing down, stepping out from the chain of thoughts and energies, having a breath, a sip of water and to apply practical common sense is always the best action.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize and understand when I am stuck and not progressing, expanding, growing, releasing and really living in relation to a point or in general and within that not admitting that I could accept for some advice, support or help, but I do not want it, because then I would think that I am weak or incapable to help myself and within that not realizing it’s not about me but to be able to stand up as Life as effectively as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those who seem like they could and/or should ask for assistance, support, but they don’t and within that not realizing that I judge what I also am responsible for, therefore I do commit myself to always check, if I can really solve something and if not at the moment or would take too much time/effort, then I ask for support, assistance, to just open up to someone and share and within that might realize more.

I forgive myself that I feel rejected within offering my support and assistance to someone who does not want it, because thinks that it’s weakness and does not want to be compromised by that and thinking that it’s not the smartest thing due to pride and ego, and not realizing that also for me took quite significant amount of time and work on myself to realize that it’s the best practical common sense to always check if it’s suitable and self-honest to ask for support, help or just to open up.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I offer support or assistance to someone, I should first check if I need any support for me and am I able to stand firmly within that offering, commitment to support through the other until it’s necessary, within responsibility and self-honesty.

I commit myself to assist and support myself and if required, to ask for support and share as it’s OK for everyone to not walk this process of self-realization alone, especially as the mind can be tricky thing as the master of self-deception reflection, thus it’s always great idea to cross-reference all the information I/we perceive, think or being convinced of as sometimes it’s too late or some point to walk or realize would take too much time or opportunities would pass.

That’s it for today.

I have found a great support series about ‘abandoned‘ and fear of abandonment and self-forgiveness and standing up and related things I can open up within self. So I am currently listening and working on this point and will share soon of what I have realized.

  1. https://eqafe.com/p/abandoned-atlanteans-part-478
  2. https://eqafe.com/p/abandoned-part-2-atlanteans-part-479
  3. https://eqafe.com/p/abandoned-self-forgiveness-and-correction-atlanteans-part-480
  4. https://eqafe.com/p/abandoned-conclusion-atlanteans-part-481

Day 342 – Facing Sadness and Experience of Loss

IMG_7732Some time ago I have been facing Sadness and Loss extensively and it can be real tough to walk through.

I’d like to share my experiences, realizations and the support I’ve been receiving from others and also giving to myself, thus being able to pull myself together from the shocking experiences of loss and extreme sadness to actually realize my mistakes and being able to take responsibility and move towards correction.

The whole drama could have been completely avoidable and got a real taste of what happens if accepting a fear within me instead of effectively dealing with myself, and thus started to manifest what I feared from.

With Desteni Process tools, applying Self-forgiveness and taking full responsibility for everything I experienced or did and did not do, I was able to correct my perceptions and stop manifesting irreversible consequences of my reactions, mistakes, but it certainly was a lesson for life.

Also sharing the unique and exceptional potential within Self-forgiveness as ‘demonstrating’ here the various type of ‘self-support’ I was able to apply towards directly to the difficulties in front of me for assisting and supporting myself to direct practical solution.

In fact, I was not entirely aware of with how and what ‘strategy’ I applied Self-forgiveness at points at hand – I just did, and much later, after days, when I did read back what I wrote throughout the days; and I had to realize that there was actual structure, levels of understanding and a sort of direction.

It’s absolutely mind-blowing to realize that Process works on so many levels with self, that it’s the best tools/skill-set/expression I have ever got introduced to apply and start living. Especially at difficult situations, I see that I am more effective, self-trusting, less dramatic and thus more relaxed in comparison to the person I was ten years ago. Gratefulness!

In short, the story is that I reacted to someone close to me’s action with an unbalanced, emotional, kind of blaming email, although it might had some points to ponder, but how it was written and what was the ‘vibe of it’, the person said this is not cool, good bye and I saw this as final and I fell into a completely petrifying loss and sadness.

The experience of the loss of the person being very close to me was very sudden, I did not expect it, my email(or my intention) in a way was kind of trying to cry out that something is not cool, but was not gentle or really direct and how the other person reacted and behaved I was worried of to be completely final, and as I was already busy with my emotions, on top of that with this fear of loss and sadness, I just fallen into reactions completely. Does not matter for how many years a person walks Self-support or Awareness – one moment of self-dishonesty can be enough to fall completely back – so never get too confident – but to remain humble and diligent!

It was quite shocking and took some time to be able to step out from this experience and put on the responsibility shoes, and this post is the process of that.

So, starting with overall description, then going to various steps towards being able to take responsibility and realizing the potential to change and correct myself.

What was very effective from the start is to realize the importance to keep moving, meaning if I interact, focus to general, every day commitments and responsibilities, I am busy and things need my full attention, such as discussing problem and solution at work, driving through fast traffic or working hard for hours.
Then I do not have much time to be Sad. Thus realizing – in a way – Sadness is a decision, but I did not know that back then.

When things slowed down, or I had my ‘me’ moments, or I stopped after a tiresome day, I kept going back to the ‘sadness’ energetic mind-spiral experience.
Coming home, to do my routine things alone, that was very challenging and the more I fell into sadness, the less I was body-aware – meaning to feel it’s needs, such as hydrating, eating, to handle cold or warm, etc.

Crying was option, but not always really ‘available’ as ‘action’ – just often got wet eyes and my breath became stuttered, although for me this ‘activity’ was never easy. Not as I would willingly cry, but even when most people would consider as relief or as self-expression, due to my extensive self-suppressing personality design from my past, this has always been a differentiating point for me in relation how others might behave.

What happened was a kind of cry in slow-motion but never reaching it’s full open state, so did not give a ‘release’.
By watching some specific TV-series – I was more emotionally reactive and here and there were actual cry for some seconds. For instance Twin peaks – the songs in them – or previously within the Leftovers series – had huge impact on me.

The most significant point is to realize that eventually the sadness and experience of loss will pass and I DECIDE how:

  • I deal with it within absolute self-honesty: to see what lead me here where I am, what I did wrong, why, how can I take responsibility for all of my part and to ensure in next similar situation to prevent what I learned from my mistakes
  • I suppress, distract, justify, blame or even forget and in a way I close down and hope for the best, for that in next similar situation I will do better, but I do not have full understanding, neither self-correction ‘prepared’, and also I will have this event’s memory as a splinter in my mind to always re-associate to worry from as a possible outcome

It was obvious that I choose the first. Especially with the fact that I did the second many times ago already, and I know where it leads: more confusion, doubt and fear, blame and delusion, so no, thanks, not again.

I have the tendency to suppress emotional reactions, to just ‘swallow’ anything of negative emotions and obviously accumulating in the background and thus most of the time I acted like I am totally fine.
I also got suggestion from my DIP PRO online course buddy, to indeed, give into the experience of loss, it’s OK to feel it, but also to remain present, anchored to and within body- and here-awareness. BTW – when walking the course of DIP PRO – one has this seasoned, awesome person to chat with not only about the lessons, the course material, the mind, but in a way it’s personal life-coaching with the starting point of self-honesty and the person is someone who already walked through quite some mind-constructs and delusions, emotional storms, thus basically a person, who walks what talks as well and that is an invaluable support to anyone, I am certain of.

After some time (days) I was able to ‘not go there’ – where sadness and the experience of loss ‘grew’ – but at uncaught moments I still kept ‘returning’, even – and it’s maybe my own specific style – to jump into the full sadness, like to put my head out from the trains window and the wind, sound, everything is like BAAAAAAAA, but in the next moment, back to be here in silence again.

Well, this obviously ‘generated’ some energetic experience, a mood, a tension, an emotion, what was not ‘thought’ anymore, but through this a kind of sadness, depression and crappy experience flew through me.

What I have realized that ‘I have to go there’ – when I am present, directive, ‘not sad’ but empty and be able to apply self-honesty, self-forgiveness.

It’s OK to be empty after loss – as feeling an aspect of self is gone, so to be with that emptiness with myself – it’s very profound yet calm expression.
Then to go into the experience again, but with direction to ‘clean house’.

It was still difficult to bring it up directly, basically to ‘walk into hell’ – but to do it with Self-forgiveness it is kind of quantitative self-liberation, to forgive each and every single point I encounter within myself as taking responsibility for all I feel, experience and also for all I did, and to see where to I progress, process and move, to dig deeper, to get to the origin/source point of my feel of loss and sadness, what circumstances and actions lead me here where I am now.

Within walking it, faced some blame as well, but I unconditionally forgive myself for whatever I experience and I keep doing it until I know and understand everything, all written here in front of me and I am empty, and be able to see all yet not react, nothing.
Blame is an obvious indication of self-disempowerment, cowardice and hiding behind energetic experiences, justified with self-dishonesty, thus it’s actually cool: whenever it pops up – then I must forgive each aspect of it.

I did write several days(after work, in the morning) about this, and each day I accumulated self-direction and became more and more ‘comfortable’ to face the sadness, the loss, my mistakes, my shame and regret with more and more clarity of what I should not do again in order prepare, support and direct myself to avoid making the same mistakes, what I realized that lead to the experience of losing the person from my perception, words, and action’s perspective.

And that’s all I can do, really – I can’t change what has happened, how the other would feel, see or react to me – that’s DONE.

It’s a profound realization, tough one. Manifested consequences remain. Period. Better to prevent unwanted things, seriously. Should be a lesson for all, some things cannot be changed. Ever. Yet do not fall into the self-mind-trickery of being dragged down it’s own self-created seriousness. That’s to forgive for myself. To give to myself a chance. To really change. Does not mean not to take seriously, but not with another layer of emotional swamp, but practicality and effective self-direction.

To let that heaviness to go, all I can do is to release and change, as is not my power, responsibility or consideration from the point of how the other will decide to experience, say or act.

Maybe will never speak with me again, maybe will, I really wished for the second- but within self-responsibility moment, does not matter, I walk self-forgiveness, anything comes up, unconditionally I apply: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad, because of our relationship has ended, because of my emotional instability and fear of loss, blame, lack of considering the other.

The actual story in short: In a way, I was realizing that it’s not the same as was, my experience was that our bond was fading and after some attempts to communicate about it, I just felt powerless for a moment and I reacted with fear, which then caused the other to just let it all go including me. There were another dimensions also, but from this perspective, that’s it. Well, this was not final, and we could still ‘save us’ as we did meet and agreed to continue our relationship, but I did not know that back then, so I just reacted big time.

I am going to share (in the next post) some of the first Self-forgiveness sentences I wrote to start supporting myself, and it’s also noticeable that in the beginning it still might ‘contain’ reference to other, in a somewhat hidden blame or justification and my responsibility taking might not start with absolute self-honesty.
It’s OK, usually I do not share such things, but this is here a ‘process’ I share and this is how I perceived in-between the emotional reactions.

It’s a process, so sharing here as example of ‘refinement’, especially when someone is in big emotional instability, rather just start and move, thrive for be absolutely self-honest, but sometimes where is my ‘location’ (in terms of self-honesty) is still within influences of mind-constructs of fear, blame and it’s core, source is maybe deeper in my mind, thus I have to ‘dig myself further’ with self-forgiveness, through the layers of justifications and blame, excuses and fear to being able to absolutely taking responsibility for all I can.

It also can be OK not to apply self-forgiveness ‘perfectly’ at first, in the sense of still allowing some ‘mind-tentacles’ to refer others, focusing to surface of the experiences, events, etc – nobody is professional in this, including myself, after a decade, when being in reaction – this is a proof here – basically I had to start Process from scratch.

What I mean ‘not perfectly’, well, not deliberately, obviously, just I know from my own experiences that I can go into ‘self-judgmental mode’ – and when I start doing/applying something and seeing it is not perfect, to just shut it down and say ‘not good enough’ – and sacrificing opportunity to grow and learn on the altar of an idea.

Maybe it’s part of the self-healing process to admit that, yes, I blame, I am angry, I am furious, I am disappointed, although it is equally important to realize that these are self-sabotage patterns, so never to stop and accept to remain there, as these are indications of self-dis-empowerment and actually delusions to self-correct. It does not necessarily mean that I am always the one who did wrong only in general – but it’s to ensure that I never jump onto the blame-wagon ever, as that is not self-correction.

Not in my case, but can occur that someone was really nasty and evil-ish and my conclusion should be by practical common sense to avoid the another person, but still: my reactions are my responsibilities. Hate is quite a havoc on my own body to expose it for that energetic experience – never worth it. So better to forgive myself and let it go and focus to what’s next.
Well, in my case – usually and here again – was self-judgement and anger towards myself on why I could not hold or just again ‘suppress’ my emotional instability, but I had to forgive for myself to be able to look beyond and focus to actual solutions with myself and the communication with other as well.

Just noting it as when reading other’s self-honesty and self-forgiveness blog, never compare it with how you feel or observe yourself doing as everyone’s process is different.
What’s extremely important still is to constantly push the limits of myself and see if I am absolutely self-honest, and how can I find practical solutions for changing the situation within me, in reality to a solution, which is best for all participants.

I will continue in the next post as realized this is getting quite long.

Take care and breathe, slow down within and embrace the pure essence of what you feel and realize: it’s OK to spend time with yourself and just breathe again, to observe, not judge, take time and you can see: sadness and feeling down is not that powerful, only when you start to follow thoughts, emotions – indicating that you want to give in, maybe as a self-punishment by regret or shame or fear of unknown or change – once you name it, can be more obvious on how to move forward.

Day 336 – Self forgiveness to deal with sadness

IMG_2383sWho I am with Self-forgiveness?

I am sharing my process of Self-forgiveness since almost ten years now and I’d like to reflect back on this extraordinary journey and discovery of self, a liberation, a re-alignment and change, which keeps continuing and expanding every day.

If anyone says or thinks – “I am done with self-forgiveness, there is nothing else to forgive” – I’d say that person should not be trusted. Why? Because that person

  • a) thinks that now ascended to another level – obviously only within the realms of ego
  • b) clearly sees that the job is certainly not yet done, but wants to appear that way for some reason – again, very cautious one should be with that person

It’s fascinating to see that so many people are keep preaching about god and jesus – while they have no idea about the depth – the actual debt – of forgiveness as through thought, word and deed within unification.

Fortunately – and unfortunately for many – the equation is very simple – there is no middle ground, any blame or justification, denial or resistance towards equality means that the person is still existing within the mesmerizing experience-series of self-interest.

And it’s alright – well, not for long, but until the moment of self-realization: there is no other choice but to embrace and acknowledge, accept and own the fact that I am responsible. Everyone is.

Each and every single human being is equally responsible for the current manifestation of earth.

It might sound silly, bad, or even offending, thus I’d suggest to say it aloud for a couple of times to let your own sound, voice and resonance to vibrate in the air, through your body and thus reach the mind as well to recognize, it’s a great opportunity to accumulate something what could support all.

I know, quite some people who have difficulty to understand the equality point within all’s process, and for myself I also have difficulty to try to explain.

For me, this immediately made sense when I first read it at ‘desteni.org’ – I am always equal and one with and as what I am located within/experiencing/expressing.

How can I not be equal and one with what is here, when I am always here.

I am telling here, literally here: it is not a physical pointer, this word what it refers to: here, but it’s a self-expression of who I am.

Or who I am NOT as a matter of fact, when I am not fully here, present, in this moment expressing directly with – into – and as – the physical substance, again: here, consistently.

So let’s walk a point emerged recently:

Yesterday I was very busy, I had a point what I took very seriously, something to do, accomplish, get done and I had extreme lot of difficulty, thus I could not do as I want and I got carried away with frustration several times.
It was fascinating to see that I want something soooooooo much, everything is here as opportunity to make me own the thing, to get it done, yet I was unable to. And the more I wanted, the less I progressed, like literally banging my head to a brick wall without anything changing, except my head feels more pressurized.

I was waving, energies were flowing through my mind, I got hooked into energy intensity, wanting to have more energy. After an exhausting day, I just could not rest, wanted to have more experience, so actually went out, I was driving on the highway to find some place to have dinner and I tried to compensate tiredness with energy.

So it’s this writing’s realization – that every day I can see patterns and there is no such thing as ‘I can’t become better version of myself anymore’ – that is self-delusion, well – self-deception actually. But the good thing about it that it always comes with a reason, a justification.

Why should I keep limited within this situation exactly? It’s actually fear, even the bravest soldiers can have this. I’ve met with seasoned veteran also, his point, to return home, to go to playground, where it’s peace – that freightened him, more than being on the warfield, where everything is more determined, simplistic, even if it means he faces high percentage of death.

So, my point here is that when I am tired, exhausted, I should not identify myself with that experience, as it ‘seems’ like sad, lack of energy, in a way even ‘depressed’ – and my past ‘tactic’ was to stimulate myself with intensified moments to have ‘higher vibration of energetic mind experiences’ – so then I do not feel that ‘low’.

But actually what I was dealing with was real tiredness.
So it’s a lesson to learn to be able to differentiate between real tiredness and mental/emotional tiredness(from doing the same pattern all the time and expecting same result but deep within knowing that this is not going to change(=definition of insanity), thus feeling sad about it, instead of doing something actually).

And I rested well, had more rest during this(next) day and had a coffee. Everything is more clear now, and one point to note to self that I also can have tendency to react more to others when I am exhausted. I talked with someone and I thought ‘she is really sad and not feeling good’ – and well, it was partially true, but what I ‘thought’ as extra – was completely my projection.

Well, it’s easy to say: don’t do that, like someone else would say: it’s common sense, come on, why would you need to spend hours with writing and forgiveness, why don’t you just be smart?

Accumulation and the simplest yet greatest math to understand is the key here:

1+1=2 – who I am is result of accumulation and it might just takes equal amount to change that – lack of self-honesty, disregard of common sense, awareness and responsibility was accumulated for so many days, that it’s patterns my mind and body became comfortable to do almost (or not completely) automatically. Enough to skip presence in one breath and these patterns can start acting out by themselves – well, these patterns are also me, so no escape from responsibility by separating my personality/behavior/character from self-identification.
But actually the solution is to become exactly aware of these and own them, embrace, don’t judge, and for a moment to accept who I am and thus to see the extent of insanity if I am still self-dishonest with a pattern.

Such as identifying myself, as who I am, in relation to feeling good or bad, stable or weak, when I am tired, exhausted.
In a way, then I am more vulnerable to my acceptances and allowances to own me, and they are just showing who I am today, but certainly not determining who I would have to remain so, as I can accumulate decision, commitment, honesty and motivation to change, step by step, breath by breath, day by day.

So when I write about the point I see as self-dishonest and want to change about it, it’s great that I realized it, but still there are dimensions to it what I simply HAVE TO aware of in order to be able to effectively and certainly change this point within me.

I might have insight of WHY I had, have tendency to want to identify myself energetic states, and defining myself as sad and depressed, when being tired.

Also the mind is really an energy-hungry mechanism, which I am sure that actual science has not yet looked at thus most of humanity has no idea about it within it’s utmost specificity.

Myself, also knowing about it only, because walking Desteni I Process online course and listening the extremely profound education found at http://eqafe.com – they are way ahead of our time in terms of understanding, actual support and practical solutions to personality, mental, emotional and in general self-support. It would be a great mistake to disregard this website and it’s content, especially for those, who are really interested about how consciousness, the human mind and in general creation works. Just remarkable.

So, everyone has their own mind-mojo to boost their ego, the bubble of self-interest, wherein people can retreat to and ‘rejuvenate’, to refresh, fill up and often it’s done with not absolutely self-honest action, but with abuse of self or others.

I mean, no offense to myself, but when I am exhausted, why can’t I just rest directly? What’s the problem with the tiredness experience, what I am going through actually within those moments, what I want to avoid?
This is relevant, and I understand that many require therapy from others, but with writing, self-honesty, DIP online courses, I can directly open up and walk through these points.

And although it sometimes brings up quite ‘not really to be proud of’ things, or even nasty patterns from the mind, but sharing here does not mean that I should be ashamed of – well, exactly the opposite – I am honoring myself to discover, understand and share these patterns as I also recognize that this is not really who I am, but at the moment this is I have take responsibility for.

But if I keep hiding it within myself, like a secret from others – that means I dont want others to see this within me – which in fact means I do not want/or I believe I can’t change this, so I am going to remain like this, that’s why I want to hide it. Which literally means I have no power over this -> not cool.
Rather to expose all secrets thus my mind can rest but not just by sharing with everyone, but by sharing how I am working on it to change.

I am sure of that’s the real power of social networks, sharing our inner in a structured way which can help to understand more, so then solutions can be found more effectively and broadly.
No judgement, if people share picture of their dinner, but I mostly focus on social networks to these kind of things: self-honesty, self-forgiveness, real intimacy, wanting to change, find out real potential, how to make love livable, not just a feeling or desire, how to deal with addictions, self-dishonesty, fears, resistances, and many of my contacts there do the same, so their post are more real, intimate in a way, which when I read it, I really can have insight of what they are actually going through.
They might also share some point I am also dealing with so can have actual support, or I would face similar issues later, or someone around me, so I can be supportive. That’s awesome actually.

Let’s open this restlessness/sad/energy crave point before finishing here.

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized, allowed myself to clearly see and understand, when I am exhausted to the point of not recognizing that I have tendency to become unstable and more susceptible to negative emotional patterns, with which I try to fight against, as not wanting to experience, face, or realize within; thus wanting to stimulate myself to experiences where I feel more energetic, uplifted or ‘dynamic’.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I fight myself within with energetic experiences, self-stimulation by wanting to feel good, eating sweets, all of a sudden becoming horny, needing lot of coffee or tea, go out to experience thrill – it is the moment I am trying to avoid to experience something within me, which exists in a way I don’t want or can’t change yet, but it’s too uncomfortable to remain within experiencing it.
  • I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself to be open and direct with myself to see why I feel the day as ‘unsatisfying’, even after a hard working day, so still wanting, needing more experience, yet it’s clear that I am exhausted and common sense suggests resting and relaxing.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the real point within myself, which I feel exposed to, vulnerable in relation to, when I am tired, thus not having energy to disregard within myself or get distracted from by my usual daily activities, habits – to realize what is – or are – the real thing(s) making me unsatisfied, restless and actually sad.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that what points I am bothered with, feeling unhappy and unsatisfied are the points I perceive myself being powerless in relation to, which I can’t change at the moment, or changing it requires consistent and constant self-movement, direction, change, application, work, effort and investment, which I convinced myself or excused myself from it that I can’t do it or it’s not quick enough solution.
  • I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself that I am frustrated about not getting what I want right now, and previously the things were like this I intentionally did let go, so I do not feel frustrated and I believed that is self-liberation, but actually accepting my limitations, and within these times I stick to my decisions, which of some requires longer time to manifest, but at the meantime, when I am not stable, present and self-honest, I can feel as not good enough, thus myself not being good enough, wanting to do more, stay awake more as well, as feeling I did not do all I could but wanting to, even when I am clearly in a state when I am not effective and already ‘burning my reserves’ in terms of physical energy.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within not wanting to rest at night I am being faced with a point of ‘I did not do everything I could’ as self-judgement, which I do not want to accept, however it’s already done – and also possible that I actually did, but just perceiving or believing I did not – because the things I move manifest slowly in physical real timeline and within my mind I imagined, dreamed, desired perfect and immediate solutions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within my mind what I imagine as perfect/desirable by itself has nothing to do with reality and if I do not relate, bring down to earth with viable plan, structuring, consideration and reality awareness, I am existing within delusion, thus self-dishonesty if I get frustrated about why not desire/fantasy come true.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I did not want to be honest with myself about the fact that I miss my girlfriend being with me as she travelled away and I always feared to be dependent and connected as did not want to have the missing experience, so rather I’ve closed myself down and did not get anyone that really close or define her as important part of my life, but with this person I decided to risk to really connect and thus experiencing missing her and and aspect of myself I’ve defined myself being able to fulfil with her.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that missing someone is alright, even being sad is okay, nothing to fear about that, but only self-honest if that is not influencing my stability, presence, ability to live up to my commitments, principles and self-expression.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that I would not be able to remain unaffected with sadness if I would really ‘give into it’, thus I always ensured that I never face this experience, but rather distract myself, justify why it’s OK not to give into sadness, however each time accumulating self-suppression which certainly catches up to me just not the way it would consider me and my stability, as equally so as I also not consider it what it is, as aspect of myself I try to separate from myself due to a fear I do not acknowledge, name and embrace and take responsibility for.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that sadness itself is not bad, it also can be a self-expression, what can be re-defined, thus to ensure that I am remaining honored to live words as equal as myself without compromising principle and self-honesty.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that behind my actual sadness experience is self-acceptance for things I believed not to be able to change, however within my current relationship with my sadness, it’s also an excuse – to be able to secretly release all the suppressed sadness I accumulated within me during my life but never really faced it and experienced it fully, only at very short period of times when I could not hold it anymore.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am really sad about the world, how humans are basically cannibals as literally eating each other up in terms of resources and opportunities to support life and feeling that I can’t do anything about it by myself and not realizing that change always starts with self here, thus I change myself, I express myself, I move myself and the world might resist me, but eventually I can make the world accept me, and I accumulate a certain change by one participant, which I have absolute power over, myself here. And within that realizing that my sadness is give up, give in, if I stop moving by sadness as energetic experience – and I can use sadness as a reference point to see what I can do and what I actually do.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that sadness makes me weaker, thus it’s my important interest to get rid of it and avoid it at all cost, and not realizing that I do not look at it’s source, I just want to contain and handle a consequence, which is not common sense, as prevention is the best cure, here: to be honest with myself in the first place to see of about what I feel sadness and why and how can I ensure that I do everything in my power to prevent that to happen, if actually preventable. For instance in my case – to rejoin with my partner as soon as possible, and for that to see what I have to do and then focus on doing that, and within this to see that sadness is not real, it’s just a cover up of when I do not do all I can, so it’s a cool reflection of inspiration to move.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress emotions on a daily basis as I realized if I allow them free roam within me, I compromise my common sense, logic and decision making, but not realizing that each emotion I do not face and deal with it – will remain here, in and as my body as myself and will return eventually, no escape, thus the solution here, which I did not realize to prevent myself to go into reactive-emotion-based behavior, and for that to be able to prevent I need to see the patterns, conditions, trigger points before falling into the reaction – thus literally re-writing my expression.

    So, just like it – I open up and see what’s behind emotions, memories, layers of personality.

And within writing – I am here, stable, directive, slowed down within, thus I can ‘read’ myself from within and by writing words down, I am becoming to be able to see more clearly of what’s happening within me and to also see if I am honest with myself or not.

It’s difficult to be absolutely honest with myself but that’s the only way that for longer term I prevent inner conflict to be created, and in that sense – it’s the most simple too – not in terms of doing what has to be done within self-honesty.

Also cool to write action points after realization:

  • When and as I am tired/exhausted – I recognize the tendency to get addicted to energy intensity, as when I am tired, I am more vulnerable to my temptations from my past patterns to stimulate and go into trance mode of ‘energy movement’ – which is not self-movement, but I feel like it, but within self-honesty I see that it’s self-delusion and if I accept that – I create inner conflict, which I can contain for so long until it bites me back – thus I relax, I rest – if my mind still moves when I want to rest – I use technique – relaxation, reading a book, eating, having shower, and then I rest. If I have not done all I could today when I am exhausted – I have to live with that but I’d rather focus to how I do not make the same mistake on the next day.
  • When and as I feel sad about missing someone or wanting to be with her, I realize that I am missing her expression of what I do not access within me directly for a reason and it’s my responsibility to be able to live aspects of myself regardless of others – however to miss someone is alright, so it’s ok to realize how much that person can mean for me – but if I allow myself to be compromised within stability, presence, expression – then it’s an excuse to give into temptations of energy experiences, which is again a kind of trance state in my mind, where I can disconnect from reality for a reason I do not want to know directly or wanting to hide from for a reason I do not want to word it and be aware of it, because then I would have to start changing myself.

So emotions are not bad – they all indicate self-separation, self-dishonesty, if they appear and try to imbalance or control me, especially if I become distracted from solutions, commitments and of consistent presence within self-expression – and actually I try to make myself be controlled with the energy of it, thus it’s all of me and my full responsibility to directly live, not through reactions, suppression, separation and judgement. So for that, I keep continuing and committing myself to decompose these patterns, what can be explored, understood with writing, saying and living words within unification.

Study yourself with DIP LITE, THE online & FREE course: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 331 – Living Patience

IMG_2397Re-evaluating and re-defining patience as Patience is Life

Since some weeks I am living with a person, who I see as being able to express extreme amount of patience and kindness and I was wondering about myself in the same situation.
When I told her how I find her expression about this as exemplary, she told me that she thinks that this is just normal thing, but according to my experience, understanding and knowledge, what she is living within stability is extraordinary. Quite inspiring and somewhat a wake up call for myself to see/realize and understand that my previous and current definition and expression of patience is quite limited, conditional and still based on self-interest. That’s why it’s my responsibility to decompose those patterns my personality/mind/memories/patterns consisting of in relation to the word Patience and to purify and re-define to prepare myself for Living Patience.

As I see, it is a decision, that what I commit myself to stand for and then within that standing I am unwavering, constant and consistent, no matter what.
For instance – patience with a kid. I’ve seen many examples about lack of patience parents showing, that seemed as normal, and although I easily could ‘judge’ them, also the same way I could ‘justify’ their actions, or let’s say the ‘fallacy’ into impatience, which is: not standing with and as the decision within action of what the person realized about what would be the best for the child.

Justification or excuse, such as ‘tiredness’, ‘distraction’, ‘it’s normal’, ‘a human thing’, ‘the child was nasty’, etc happens every day, yet there are people who are living Patience in relation to a point – about teaching, business, gardening, or within our example: ‘parenting’ – in a way, wherein no justification or excuse could influence the living action of Patience.
As I grew up, it was ‘normal’ to shout at the child, even hit them, which now seems so brutal and in theory many people agree that never shout/hit should be the ‘ideal’ way, yet a lot of parents admit that they can shout to the child in a not supportive way or even hit them to make them do what they want the child to do. And after all, even being able to justify it, thus they don’t feel bad afterwards.

For me this was always a point to ‘solve’ – I hated when my family grownups did hit me, in a way I lost my trust to them, or realized they are not really that great, ┬áso I was sure I would never hit a child, yet I was not aware of how to be that patient to be able to live that decision as well in the way what stands for the child’s support. Well, now I see that point with the person I share life with and she lives these words directly in the flesh, thus she not only inspires me, but also supports me with realizing a lot about this and the re-definition and living words as well.

Much more to be investigated about this…

By asking her about it, she revealed that within Living Patience, she simply does not focus to her point of view, but considering the child, who needs support, and from that, it’s irrelevant of how much time it will take of her to give that specific support the child requires, but simply to express that, thus, in this sense, time does not matters or exists at all.

It’s interesting to realize that with a simple re-alignment of the definition of a word, how much it’s living expression can change.
Instead of me, as I used to see, consider, ‘expand’ and ‘strengthen’ my patience before according to my own patience in relation to how much time I must ‘endure’ stuff I’ve previously defined as not cool and ‘has to be given’ or even ‘sacrificed’ – according to my own self-interest; the solution is to focus to the person I am supporting, and then it’s not about my definition, level of patience actually, yet in reality, this is how I Live Patience Unconditionally.

And I might or will have resistances to live the word like that, but then it’s not that I have to ‘grow’ my patience, but to simply purify myself from giving into temptations of NOT TO LIVE PATIENCE. Fascinating.

By looking my ‘previous’ definition of the word, it was also polarity-based, quantity-based: how much, how long I can ‘maintain’ patience. Self-interest, according to what is good for me.

The re-definition is without polarity, without amount, positive or negative: simply to live and express, what’s supportive for the person I commit myself to support.

That’s why the self-introspection, investigation and re-definition of words is so important.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that I’ve been looking, interpreting, defining and expressing words on the physical level based on my interest, of what I think as good for me, or what I think would be good for others, but only through the filter of ‘what I think’ according to my interest only.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve been looking and expressing the word Patience through and with Energy, as believing that Patience has to be fueled, and thus can last, and then ‘run out’ and then I am ‘impatient’ and not realizing that this is still reflecting back pure self-interest, because if the Patience is in relation to someone else, then I only can live it until I can be patient, and then I ‘automatically’ become the complete opposite, as impatient, and thus I can’t support with that unreliability within consistency, thus I actually not live patience at all.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that Patience can be seen through the decision to stand with or for someone or something and then to live and express in living action, it’s not about me only, and thus when applying consistently what is required to live my decision, it’s not running out, or if I feel so, then it is a temptation and distraction to give up and I can see that and deal with it, but still live the Patience in relation to the initial decision to do/support/live something I stand for.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I got comfortable to justify and accept excuses within my thinking and energetically feeling patterns about why not need to live and apply patience in relation to someone or something and actually believing those justifications and excuses to be valid and/or never question, cross-reference those to see that I am lying to myself, not honoring myself and the decision, the person I decided to support.

I forgive myself that I have not got effective, structured and consistent with dealing with, walking through and remain unwavering in regarding to temptations of give up decision and patience, due to self-interest, and not realizing that it’s about decision, technique and consistent application without self-judgement.

I forgive myself that I have got ‘cocooned’ into the belief system that this world is cruel and I have to think for myself and I must consider myself first and only support others, if I am feeling good already, while not considering that ‘me feeling good’ is also related to a belief system, what with I can abuse this point in regarding to self-interest with completely remaining certain of that ‘I can’t do anything’.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the priority to ‘feel good’ is a deception, because I focus to internal, thought-initiated, self-generated feelings to follow, not principle, discipline and actual decisions, such as support, be patient with/for someone, because ‘it feels difficult’ – and just, because it feels so, justifying that I can’t or should not do it.

I commit myself to stop living and making decisions according to what I feel, because it can be result of already self-created, self-believed justification system in order to hide from responsibilities and living honoring all life equally, with priority of what is actually here, for instance family.

I commit myself to remove any and all self-interest from the definition of Patience word, and trust and honor myself with the decisions I make to stand with.

I honor myself and others with sticking to my decisions and support I stand for and effectively deal with temptations, justifications and excuses within consistency through applying self-honesty, self-forgiveness, writing, and if needed, to ask for assistance and share.

I commit myself to Live Patience within supporting someone in regarding to be able to see what’s best for the individual, but cross-referenced, discussed with related persons to ensure that what I do is really supportive and then live that patience without giving into excuses, without energy, but as a living decision of who I am as living support unconditionally, until it’s required and practical common sense.

I am grateful for all the support and patience I got from others and I see that giving back is natural self-expression; and it is actually an enjoyment, as a decision to live to giving back to other persons, the world, nature and in overall existence.

For instance to see that with living the Patience in regarding to supporting someone and to see the individual stabilize, grow and expand – it is the connection as life with ‘me in another life’, thus actually I am equal and one with the person I live Patience in regarding to support.

Day 298 – EQAFE Fears and Phobias of car accidents: my experience

full_car-crash-fears-phobiasToday I’d like to talk about overcoming fears and phobias. Specifically how I found support in relation to a specific topic I always resisted and suppressed: cars and driving.

I did my driving license about 3 years ago and it was quite late, I was around 33 years old back then, but the lack of driving started to really become such a limiting factor in my life, so I’ve re-evaluated this huge resistance and decided to open it up and walk through.

I have chosen a second profession which requires to carry heavy and expensive equipment and on one rainy night, when carried quite a lot hi-tech gear in my backpack, I’ve realized that this is when I am limited by not driving a car and if I want to get serious and more ‘free of conditions’ so to speak, I have to overcome this resistance.
Also, often I had to wait for my car driver friends to appear, get ready to give me a ride and when they were not exactly reliable within what they said about when we would start or arrive, I was quite frustrated and then I had to realize that I cannot blame them for who they are, but only myself for still fighting for my limitation by resisting to learn driving.

I also kept noticing that most of the adult people has no problem with at all, even old and slow ladies or dudes, completely the opposite of being sporty or agile people also driving cars within the bulkiest city traffic and that made me realize that this is a phobia for me now, not just a tiny resistance and personal dislike. Thus, not just I have to learn new skills, but also un-learn a lot of patterns.

I was familiar with the principles of as within is without as well, give as I would like to receive, equality and oneness and self-support tools, such as the DesteniIProcess online course and EQAFE.com audio books.
At EQAFE, I have found the

Fears and Phobias series,

what goes through how fears and phobias work in the human mind and what is the practical way to open up and start working on letting go these patterns within one’s life actually.

There are several one individual interviews specifically about fears and phobias about car accidents, which was exactly what I was looking for.

My own personal resistance was multi-layered, and when someone has a very strong resistance or a fear/phobia about one thing, there are often multiple dimensions and angle of perceptions with one can justify the acceptance of that belief, the opinion and conviction to accept the fear as logical strategy, which then becomes the self-limitation.

  • One of my dimensions was that I grew up as being dirt-poor and not being able to afford a car previously and it seemed like quite excessive how many money one has to spend to own and maintain a car.
  • Another point was that I never liked the stench and smog they create, how polluting many of the car parts are and the noise they make is also extensive, which I never wanted to be responsible for.
  • Also there was one time when I was kid, a car driver was not aware enough and me, as a pedestrian, ended up on his car’s hood and although I had no injury, it was kind of scary. I realized then that car can kill if the driver is not capable of ‘taming’ the machine beast.
  • There were another occasions when I or one of my friends were almost hit by a car when walking through the cross walk and that seemed like an every day possibility, which frightened me as such a responsibility to have.

How I chosen to live my early adulthood life was quite irresponsible and pretty much auto-daydreaming all day and at some of my clearest moments I realized that I am rarely present, thus to be constantly here is not just extremely difficult for me, but I even justified it that I do not even want that.

It’s like when I break in so to speak into a self-justified self-limitation and start to identify myself with, protect it and then as months, years pass, its really difficult to be honest with myself and acknowledge that this is self-delusion and start liberating myself.
That’s why I had the excuse well protected for so long, that I should not drive, I am incapable of becoming that responsible and present and anyway, “it’s not my style”.

So, with patterns I’ve mentioned that I’ve identified myself with totally and thus I’ve became what I judged about myself and although these were only parts of my experiences during specific periods of my lifetime, I’ve added these one after another to the personality description of ‘who I am’ and I kept justifying them with the result of becoming more and more judgmental about cars and also self-limited and thus resulting to definitely not wanting to make drivers licence and have a car.

I have no problem to discover a mistake within myself or a delusion to be aware of, because I’d rather lose the experience of ‘ignorance & bliss’ but to wake up to the most possible reality, even if it means to face the most fearful thing – the unknown within change.

I’ve been facing, understanding, forgiving and letting go another fears and convictions with DesteniIProcess course and community already, such as spiritual beliefs, abdication of responsibility for my suppression and anger toward myself, addiction to weed, sugar, sex, ‘trance states’, fear from taking responsibility, resisting to open up and communicate within vulnerability or within partnership, thus I was aware of that I can change myself if I really dedicate and invest time and effort for really understanding the building blocks of a mind-pattern, the word relationships I exist within, so listened the EQAFE – Fears and Phobias interviews multiple times, I made notes, and I decided to use what was suggested on how to decompose these patterns in relation to fear from cars, driving cars.

In the beginning it was quite challenging, and then I started a driving school, first with theory, the traffic rules, then first aid course, and finally, when I passed the test on the traffic rules, I started to drive a Suzuki with an instructor. That was quite scary at first, I had resistance every time I walked out of my door towards the driving place at the other part of the city, but I knew that with each step I take, each minute I drive, I accumulate the will and direction and actual practical, physical skill to un-learn this resistance and fear.

At the same time I was writing self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements, self-commitments to align myself with what I do change, how I should be aware of the patterns before reacting to them and how to focus to what is relevant, here, driving, the car, the traffic and start trusting myself.

Many times I had to go real specifics, such as ‘fear of hitting a mother with baby cart’ and then to decompose that and if I actually get reacted to fear all the time, I do not direct myself to PREVENT that happening by driving safely. So in this sense – fear actually blocks me to prevent myself manifesting that fear. Or fear from breaking the car, or fear from having no fuel in the car so then I’d be stuck. Fear from not having money to tow it away if it breaks, fear from falling asleep while driving, fear from somebody from the another lane would just hit me, fear from a truck straying to ‘my’ lane, etc, etc – all fears I open up and before reacting to see – what I can do to prevent that kind of accident – and then become aware of the trigger point, and giving myself a ‘second chance’ to not react, to not go into fear, but into action, active prevention and step by step, removing this halo of ‘bad’ association and to actually allow myself to learn driving, to learn skills to prevent accidents. And with driving – it’s also part of the package that sometimes regardless of what I do – somebody else still can make mistake and then I will be just part of that – and I can only guarantee to a point of safety, and from there – I am basically exposed to the elements. But still – often it’s a half second what one needs to assess the hazard and act responsibly, thus mostly it’s about to be able to be present consistently. Thus mostly my challenge was to debunk that idea of myself that I can’t be here constantly. It’s still a process I walk through, and with driving is that most of the time one does not need extra sharp skills to apply while driving, but at hazardous moments definitely!

Thus I learned driving, I was so anxious at first, but the skill, the self-trust have accumulated day by day.

It was more than a half year actually, but when I was ready, I passed my driving exam at first try and then soon I was driving my first car! Actually it was bought together with a friend, who also needed one and thus it was not so intimidating for me at first as he was also supporting me about how to maintain the car, how to drive not just around the tutorial routes, but anywhere, anytime.

Sure, I made mistakes, scratched the car here and there, sometimes turned into the opposite lane at some corners at night time, was uncertain at specific situations on who should go first, but at a certain point I was ready. I moved out from the city and I had to(and since then still) drive every day to go to work and that was my decision to have the opportunity to drive a lot, through the most crazy traffic ever possible in Budapest, and so I did. Later I sold my half ownership of the car to my friend and bought my own car, which is an awesome ride and I drove more than 20.000 km with it already at all kinds of roads, conditions, situations and combinations. I am still learning every day something new, but no fear is blocking it now, yet I do not take unnecessary risks and do all I can to ensure safety.

It is indeed a stinky, loud and quite environment-unfriendly ride, but as the industry develops, it’s not too far that there will be less and less polluting cars soon, and although self-driving cars are also emerging pretty soon, I still see effective and reliable driving as a quite important skill to have to be able to move and express, connect and share within this world.

Furthermore, for those who are often busy within their mind, or coming down from drugs or being disorganized, preoccupied – learning to drive is a therapy and I am not kidding, even my instructor, who teaches it since 25 years told me that and he was absolutely supportive with me.

I do not drink or take drugs anymore, ever, so being constantly sober is also a virtue I enjoy, especially when about to drive, no matter how late, how great party I find myself at(for instance I often go to extremely intense hi-tech trance parties, where people often are high or drunk), from the craziest moment, I just take a breath and sit into the car and drive by being present, vigilant and responsible. That is a gift I thank for EQAFE and myself equally.

There are dozens of fear and phobia topics within that series, such as diseases, Armageddon, loneliness, not being good enough, fear of flying, being cheated, fear of pain, etc.

There is a way to stop accepting fear and phobias, but one has to study the mind, the nature of the fear, to dare to dig up some old memories, understand the dynamics of one’s mind reactions and then to apply the process to accumulate self-direction and practical change.

I did it by walking through each of the dimensions I’ve mentioned before (the money point, the pollution point, the fear of hitting someone, the fear of not being able to be present constantly and other points came up during this) and applied writing, self-forgiveness(because I give for myself a new chance by recognizing my responsibility within the very(finding exact words) specific fear/resistance), self-corrective statements(to structure and support my practical change with remembering what should I do at critical moments, such as breathe, relax and look around, apply common sense and go) and also committing myself to live my decision to stop the fear, to start expanding and actually practically changing.

Whatever the fear is I see – I forgive myself for accepting and allowing that fear without questioning how it came, what was the trigger point, what memory I associate with it, what words, emotions, thoughts I experience, what is the reason I still accept it, etc – going into the specifics helps with recognizing and understanding the point.

And the next moment I find myself in that situation, when I see the trigger point I already recognized, already written down and understood where that can lead me if I react the same way – and there is this change I can create by having a choice to not participate. Or even I only want to not participate in the fearful thought, emotion, but I still feel compelled to get into the fear.
That is where it starts to get more specific, real, and in fact leads to the real understanding of who I am, who I allowed myself to become and the more I accept the self-dishonesty(because I see now, I could stop it), the more I will feel responsible and I eventually I have to make a stand and not give into it, regardless of I have no idea what I will do, react if not the usual fear. I will figure out. I even can create a new reaction, direction of me in that situation what I could see as supportive. And then I test it out. And then if I’d see a better way, I’d change accordingly.

Direct, Self-change is what makes us aware, not when being changed by external conditions – that’s preprogramming.

So, I drive – naturally, and I have not yet tested many kinds of cars yet, only about a half dozen, but seems like I can drive them just alright as mine after a while, so I can say that I can drive a car now, which might not seem as extraordinary, but for myself, who knows where I ‘came from’ – it’s pretty impressive, which thus given me more self-trust and self-respect as well by proving that this fear/phobia was not just totally self-created, unreal and totally self-limiting – it supported me to change and open up to a lot of new aspects of life I’ve never could imagine before!

I am extremely grateful for EQAFE for this and I recommend it with all of my fiber of my being to everyone – even if one has no outstanding fear of phobia, maybe one day will meet somebody who has, and thus could give some support, chance to let go.

https://eqafe.com/p/car-crash-fears-phobias
https://eqafe.com/p/car-crash-support-fears-phobias
https://eqafe.com/p/car-crash-practical-application-fears-phobias

It might seem weird to give some coins for it, but for a price of a burger to get the understanding and the support for practical change(which then also can be applied to another fears&phobias) is actually a great deal. Well, for me it was extremely worthy, and everyone has to decide where does invest their energy. And there are a LOT of EQAFE interviews, what can be downloaded without payment…
(Before anyone would go into reaction of if this is so good, why not free? – The production and online availability of these interviews have some cost, which then actually will be used to create more interviews – I do not gain anything from promoting it, I genuinely recommend it for self-liberation as it supported me and others already a LOT)

Enjoy expanding and transcending fears and phobias!

Day 231: Agreement Course for Self-support

Agreement Course

Trouble with relationships? Or to even realize how to approach dreams, desires, one’s own mind and challenges? What is Self- and mutual agreement and how to learn to not only understand but be able to change self in accordance what is practical love? This course is really great self-support, I recommend it with full of my ‘heart’!

http://desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships

I studied at different schools, courses, at university, but this was the most difficult and yet also the most rewarding course I have ever walked through, because I was facing, learning how and who I am, what I actually accept and allow, what is currently the self-dishonesty I participate within, which is not only suppresses and compromises my life, but also my present or possible future partner too and some times there was resistance which I had to push myself through but after that I was able to see how I can stop participating and changing myself to stop the fear and inner conflict.

If there is resistance within me, it must be suspicious – why I can be open with myself? What is the reason I block something from myself within? Don’t I trust myself being able to handle this? Or what is it? Fear? I suggest any inner resistances must be understood, because it can hide gifts we did not even consider always avoiding to find within ourselves.

Also to recognize, any automatic judgement towards anything can be based on a resistance based on a conviction fueled by a certain fear of loss – but that judgement really supports me and my partner, my reality and everybody else?

The ability to see the patterns within my starting point and to see what is being compromised with fear and self-interest gives the ability to also understand the WHY, which is also required to be able to find real physical time practical solutions for the difficulties I face not only in relation to who I am but also how I form and live my relationships.

It was a difficult decision when I realized that the relationship I was within was not supporting me and my partner as well, there were too much compromises and bruises which we did not face and solve, thus accumulated our own reactions to the point of having real difficulties to openly communicate, share and agree on points, within which I was kind of stuck, we could not step forward to move and live together, yet we wanted, so I had to realize, I must find a new way on trying to solve the problems I face.

There was hope and regret, desire and suppression, worry and stubbornness, pride and anger, which all mixed together to a point wherein I realized I need a process of self-support – then I was suggested to start walking the Agreement Course.

I was already introduced to another Desteni I Process online course and also to the concept and principle of Self-honesty, Writing and Self-forgiveness, which also supported me in the decision to invest into this course.

Yes, there is a fee, but in comparison to not to pay or to remain within inner conflict, resulting to external conflict, I rather paid for the course, which by I support those who are designing and upgrading this course and also constantly being there for regular chats, reviewing the assignments and giving support not only for me but for many others, so it was a decision I will never regret. Within this world, money also can support life – not equal currently, but currently it is how things move. Also because not only me I see learning and changing, expanding and sharing by the things I learn and change, but also my direct reality, others who are around me, and also the whole reality, which is so to speak the judge of me in terms of what consequences I accumulate what actually remains in this world. In relation to this, relationships.

Agreement is an interesting word, what can I agree with myself? – Sounds silly, but I see it much more clear now, that real intimacy is not about sex, but the ability to open up to the degree of absolute vulnerability and openness and to not lie to myself about what I really want and then to also see why – not stopping where I see a feeling justifying a conviction, but to see what memories, words, resonances I associate with. Is there any fear, selfishness, any compromise which by I am being influenced during my expression, influencing my partner, my relationship?

There is nothing mystical within the human existence, there is not even such thing as ‘truth’ – only denial of what is here. But sometimes HERE is not what being seen, but one’s own interest projected onto the table, thus with twisted, distorted perception we still participate, act and react, which we accept to ‘move’ ourselves by sometimes quite automatically without even stopping for a moment, or only too late to consider – is it really what I want for myself, for the other, is it the best I can be, or there is more potential within myself, in this relationship?
Is there any addiction, obsession, possession which we are not absolutely satisfied with? Can I accept myself as it is to Eternity or is there anything I will be ashamed of when I see all of my life, all of my decisions, thoughts, words, actions? Or is there something I would do differently? Maybe I can change it, my starting point to correct manifested consequences today without the fear, doubt…
For these points, walking Agreement course I am here seeing that I am more open and more clear on what I do and what is what I do not accept within myself and within my relationship, yet to consider where is still I am limiting myself based on a perception which is based on fear. Then to recognize the pattern, to understand it’s source, core – myself – and to take responsibility for and live the principle of ‘give as I would like to receive’ and stop participating before reacting, acting by it again.

Even it sounds as the easiest, the most difficult thing we can face is to be able to be absolutely self-honest with ourselves in all moments within consistency and to recognize that our mind, thoughts, feelings, even emotions can not be trusted until we walk through a process of self-investigation, purification. Because we were not absolutely aware with understanding and presence, direction and clarity when we had our first impressions, formed our own opinions, created our dreams of future, judged ourselves or others, learned the patterns from others. The innocence to return to yet being responsible is not just possible but practically walkable in physical real timeline.

Anyone states ‘I am done, already good enough, perfect’ – must be suspicious, I would not trust that – so then who shall I trust? Myself, of course, it’s common sense, I am always with myself, so not to trust me is not practical, and kind of dis-empowering anyway…

Because if I do not trust myself absolutely, even for a moment – how can I trust within my decisions, within my given trust to others? Or within my perceptions, my feelings, my desires?

So walking Agreement course really can give an edge and support to understand and learn to start trusting oneself and I would really suggest to incorporate somehow such lessons into basic schooling, because it gives the ability to question and answer, stop and change not only our reality, but also ourselves – and there are many people who already have emotional burden, bruises, regret or shame, unfulfilled desire, anger or pity, fear or worry about points and things what can’t admit how one is accepting to be influenced, consumed by…

And there is the saying ‘Time heals’ – well, not everything, time, by itself is not enough, SELF must be the directive principle for real change…

Here is a great article about this exactly:

Time heals all wounds. Does it really? – Day 517

There are doors what we might not even seeing that we closed, we feel resisted to open up, which is necessary for absolutely understand our created mindset, personality, beingness to the specificity which is required to re-learn, to forgive for accepting ourselves to limit, suppress, deny real self-honesty.

This course is also great, because the Buddy who we regularly chat with and reviews our assignment is someone who also walked this course and already faced these aspect of self, with somebody who already walked through the points, so it’s an external point of view if we open up and share to the difficult, intimate points we might not even dare to acknowledge to ourselves that we stuck, we became uncertain.

And there are really cool things which can be done for those who walk with partner – but also many things what can – and even should – be applied towards self, and then to share the result.

There are many topics in this course, like exploring possible self-sabotage points, what we might not even realize because we learned unconsciously from family, the world system, or how to enhance and purify aggression-free communication, how to establish a common vocabulary wherein the meaning of words are agreed upon, thus there is no misunderstanding, or how to approach sex the way that it is not in the mind, but rather shared physical, real enjoyment and share and so much more…
There are so many closed doors among partners, marriage, so to speak ‘lovers’ – but to base partnership according to feelings, thoughts, judgements, desires, which are also changing by the moment, circumstances we are within – also should not be trusted when establishing long-term agreement based on the principle of mutual-self-agreement and support.
So I suggest this course with full of my beingness and I am a living human being that stating within absolute certainty that this is really supportive, worthy for time and effort and it’s invaluable and I have never ever found any similar course/study/support in this world similar, which should not be missed if possible.

I will write more on the agreement and relationship topic later

http://desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships