Day 340 – Emotions and Self-honesty

IMG_0898After yesterdays blog, I might have opened up Pandora’s box within myself as today I was quite emotional. (Well, before yesterday)

It’s rare thing for me, most of my life I’ve lived with perfecting suppressing emotions, but I am actually stopping as proven to be not the best approach(obviously), which might mean I do find myself within reactions.

I start with clarifying – within DIP online courses emotions are the negative-related energetic experiences, such as fear, worry, jealousy, hate, sadness, etc, while feelings are the positive ones, such as happy, excitement, etc.

Neither of them is bad or good, they are simply put: tools for expression. The self-dishonesty about these is that when they come and go ‘automatically’ and I am the puppet, when I am actually giving permission to get emotional, angry, sad, ‘fall into love’ or become obsessed with happy feelings, etc.

The practical approach within learning on how to LIVE words directly(instead of being influenced, stimulated by) is to redefine my relationship and meanings in relation to self-honesty and considerations of all participants of my reality here. Example: Instead of wanting to experience joy, I answer the question of ‘How can I Live Enjoyment?’.

Thus, it is Self-movement I live, not going through experiences and reacting, bouncing, conflicting through.

So, my commitment to stop suppressing emotions is about to break the following habit:

  • I experience/see/think of something what I have judgement about, somewhat memory, association, personal involvement.
  • I react with the judgement, I feel a certain energetic experience
  • I recognize that I am moving away from ‘center’ as this emotion would start to overwhelm me
  • I suppress the emotion, just ‘swallow it’, ‘push it down’ with a single inner movement, saying ‘go away’
  • I am here, clear, kind of logical, focused, stable again

This can happen quite automatically, part of my personality, in fact pretty fast, if I am not present and aware, I do not even notice that I am doing it.

There are various layers of why this became ‘normal’ for me – but mostly because I recognized that I am quite impaired and limited, less effective and compromised to apply logic and common sense when I am overwhelmed with emotions related to fear.
Kind of a weakness as I have defined it, thus better to spend time within this kind of states the least possible.

So instead of facing the fear, understanding it’s reality-related connection, I just want it to go away, instead of solving it’s origin.

Within my ‘culture’ – also to be a ‘man’ – means not to get ‘soft’ but strong, rigid and solid all the time, and with emotions I felt more vulnerable, unpredictable and unstable, so pretty early I decided not to spend too much time within emotional states, thus suppression, as ‘swallowing’ the reaction, suffering, doubt and fear became my second nature.

What I have not realized, seen and understood before, is that each and every emotion suppressed is not going anywhere, but stays with me, accumulates and creates layers, blocks and another level of automatic personality behaviour within me, and the top of that, once reached some kind of limit, I just can’t hold it anymore, kind of exerting it out, without any direction, control or power over it, regardless of situation, company or consideration. And that is quite a problem.

So, that’s why I am walking DIP PRO course, writing this blog, applying self-forgiveness, to understand myself more and prevent suppressing, but solving problems, so no need to judge, react, go into inner thinking mode – as whenever I do so – I am not acting, because of doubt, fear, confusion, resistance, and when I do not act and move in reality, I internalize, I suppress, and that is a sign of facing a point and remaining within self-dishonesty.

Thus the responsibility point presents itself what I take and work with. The DIP course is invaluable within supporting and I have changed so much in the last couple of years and this blog and overall expansion and stability of mine is in a way already a living proof, yet it’s still a process, thus I keep walking the course and this blog as well.

Within the last years, especially since ended my last, quite hectic and conflicting partnership some years ago, these emotional states became less intense, I must say I was and am much-much more stable and present.

Within the current partnership I am, since quite some months, I am having experiences I never had before, more direct enjoyment, trust, sharing and opening up with myself and ‘my’ lady, and more and more I push myself to become vulnerable, feel more, let go of fear and distrust and be completely open. It is great and eternally grateful I am as step by step learning to live without doubt and fear, sometimes still stumbling but in overall this process is good.

So, in a nutshell, this is in relation to suppressing my emotions and years of walking this process allows me to trust, even when something not so comfortable or nice experience comes, as more and more I have a direct reference of how it is when I am physically here, and that becomes my foundation, where to I return from the storms my self-conditioned mind still sometimes creates.

Today was another of these storms I see now, and in a way I created it, but also it was flooding me at the same time.

The recent experiences I am going through also added to it and accumulated me to intensify certain emotions, which are uncertainty and sadness, loneliness and sorrow.

The main triggering point was that I have finished watching – well, through the last days, today ‘The Leftovers’ TV series. Without spoiling, it is a great show, if someone is interested in the deeper psychology of people, who had great traumas and those still influencing their lives to the point of very sad and insane moments from time to time.
The initial interest in it was not this topic for me, but ‘writer of Lost’ and ‘mystery’ and quality in overall, but through the seasons I found this profound value of the characters change and interaction.

The rhythm, the balance; the artistic expression combined with the great actors performance, the exceptional music – it was very emotional, – within each episode, well composed to have these peak moments, when I just had these tearful moments until the end of the whole season and closure, when I reached this total emptiness and sadness, sorrow and what I associated with it is the reality of each human individual’s constant and consistent exposure to traumatic experiences throughout our entire lives and how much that influences, compromises us, humans to do what could be best for all.

I had very busy months behind, each day, committed to do specific things and that gave me purpose, and looks like my commitment and consistent application soon fruits it’s result in the planned way, however today I was at the point of nothing more to do, yet the outcome is not yet fully manifested, and thus all of a sudden I feel empty, nothing moves me, but I also do not move either.

I know I should, also that I will, but what came was that I want to be in this emptiness, to see what’s still within the depths of me to face who I was, to embrace, to let go and focus to move on.

What did not happen with me since maybe a decade, I skipped hydrating today, usually I am drinking liters of water, and I was not hungry. Thus, I recognized that I am not in sync with my physical, so I fried a pre-made pizza, I ate, still was not hungry, but once started eating, I started to ‘come down’ with this emotional state.

Also chatted with my lady, did not want to share how I feel but we have trust and care, so decided to just concisely express myself and within writing it was another step assisting and supporting to see and recognize what I am experiencing and then become aware of how I have moved today with this whole time line of becoming emotional and started to step out of it. After drinking almost a litre water and still feeling thirsty, I finally recognized that I was kind of ‘out’ for a while and actually supporting my body, then resting more brought back and I was/am able to continue with more present, self-directive and considerate daily living.

I even could relate to some lsd acid trips, it was in a way similar experience, but not in the sense of effects, but the inner storm, ‘death’ and silence and exponentially(first slowly, then more and more directly) awakening.

In overall, I would say this was a long time emotion suppressing reaching it’s threshold to be triggered to need to be discharged and kind of exerting.

What was actually cool about it that I had no doubt that I get to stabilize soon, was no fear or even shame this time, and within crying I felt relief. Well, it was not actual sobbing, like I had in 2014 when after all struggles my ex girlfriend told me she would leave, then I was really crying for about a minute and then I was clear again.

This time was just crying, kind of submitting into the watched drama’s roller coaster, yet it was supporting in a way.

What I see here in this all as I could have done ‘better’ and will do in any case of similar ‘next time’ to anchor myself more to presence, to apply forgiveness WITHIN the storm, to accelerate self-stabilization.

Also I was not entirely certain to share it with my partner, as did not want to seem unstable or sad, but we are both very busy nowadays thus did not communicate much, so I felt better to share than to just stay quiet.

Let’s walk self-forgiveness to open up additional points towards practical solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress emotional experiences with which I can’t deal, control or stop influencing me to become unstable, and never realizing that suppressing means accumulating.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that with what I don’t learn to deal with in self-honesty, will keep controlling me and my life until I stand up and take responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself of what were the actual points, judgements and reactions I kept suppressing recently and thus accumulating to the point of exerting in a way what manifested in being moody, sad and worried and thus not being able to see what I participate within, or even prevent stepping into.

I forgive myself that I have not assisted and supported myself in the exact moment of ANY judgement, reaction or emotion I would manifest within myself with slowing down, re-aligning with physical presence and to be able to look at the point I am about to react to and suppress by believing that I can’t or do not have to deal with this right now, but will do later, or even thinking ‘I hope this will be solved, or my observation and suspicion would turn out to be not true’.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to exactly see the points with what I started to ‘have a relationship with’ as assumption, observation, belief and worry and first of all not solve it within myself, or if it is about to communicate with the person I am experiencing it relation to and I am clear on that I should engage communication with, then to do it in a way what is clear, concise and supportive for finding solution and agreement.

I will continue walking these points…


Day 339 – Energy: Admitting facts for Self-Change

webContinuing with the energy craving mentality decomposition

Its a great opportunity as at the moment getting really tired and this is when usually can this mentality be noticed.
It’s when I want to experience intensity, sense of movement, energetic experiences, excitement, tension and in overall kind of a ‘high’. Well, it’s not self-expression, as it is to compensate, to distract and actually entertain and self-stimulate, in a way simulate living, which I do not do and accepting myself not living with the mesmerizing energetic experiences I keep re-creating. Thus let’s change it!

I directly apply Self-forgiveness on upcoming points. At times I still see that I have conflict within, thus need to continue with the understanding.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself in relation to the energy craving mentality within my mind, which is almost literally ‘can attack’ when I am in doubt that I did not do all I could for the day or when I feel that I am feeling tired, but I feel that I should do more today.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that it’s not about ‘today’ what I did – as obviously if I make ‘today’ longer, then ‘tomorrow’ must become shorter as I can’t cheat time, and meaning I try to use the unit of time to compensate with the already obvious, yet not self-admitted realization that I feel as I did not do all I could, but I want to, I should to and in a way I also would do, yet feeling tired, exhausted, thus I want to feel energetic, thus I should feel the need to stimulate myself to literally ‘generate’ energy within my mind by specific patterns to participate within just to feel the day longer and within that not realizing that the fear, as it’s source is actually in the center of it all, which actually sabotages direct and effective application for the things I fear not progressing with.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that there is a mind-trick I apply with myself all the time, which is that I slice up time and creating ‘progressing’ moments and ‘let go’ or ‘give in’ moments and within this system I am not in direction and it’s basically similar construct to the spiritual/divine moments which then prioritizes moments, and when participating within the ‘not focused, self-directive’ moments, at the same time accumulating frustration and inner conflict of ‘not doing enough’, which then wanting to compensate once it’s reached a threshold, or the end of the day is coming at night, when being tired and sleepy.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am not realizing the practical common sense and the direct solution to my re-creational self-sabotaging frustration and feeling of ‘not doing enough’ experiences, which is to not give in to the ‘give up’ moments to participate, and not create judgements, frustrations in the first place, yet to be honest with myself within self-direction to see what are my needs and wants within absolute, brutal self-honesty, and if I would see needing entertainment for example, just give it to myself within my own direction, not as ‘give into’ by suppression, desire and fear of missing out, then falling into it and then losing discipline and direction.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the simple solution for my energy addiction is to be honest with myself of what I want or need, desire or strive for and then to check each and every single one of these with common sense and to see which is supportive, which I can ‘afford’ in terms of prioritizing my time and resources, effort and participation and then if it’s applicable, to ‘give’ it to myself, or if its not supportive/doable at the moment, then to decide to postpone – or if it’s not supportive at all or doable, then to let it go, forgive and focus on directly working to really let it go actively until I am clear, here, present without temptation or desire, suppression or fear(of missing out).
  • Basically be practical and structured, organized and considerate.

There are not many ‘things’ what I can fall into with suppression but in overall the reason is a self-identification, self-perfection-related self-image superimposed to who I am currently – thus there is a ‘rift’ between actual and with what I deal through my mind of myself.

Sounds creepy, although it’s a typical human thing, to not clearly see who we exactly are, but with some pink or even grey glasses so to speak, so the first step is to see actual facts and thus becoming able to work with those to align and unify all of self here through decomposing and forgiving, re-defining and re-aligning the words with I perceive, experience, express and live in the physical.

For instance if I look at honestly – I can judge myself on ‘watching TV series‘ – it can take a lot of time, it’s just entertainment, while sometimes I can do other things, but if it’s interesting I just watch – and if not interesting, I do not watch actually, so it’s time consuming – if my priorities do not progress as should, I can feel ‘uncool’ about it.

Justifications and excuses also can and should be investigated and dealt with – such as ‘I had hard working day, let’s relax’, ‘I am too tired to do anything constructive’ or ‘It’s so interesting story, relates to my life’, ‘Just one episode, or while I eat, or do this or that’…etc – it’s OK to do do it, but if I feel not good about it – I create problem within about it. And if I just let it go and ‘give in’ – and just watch without worry of other things do not progress because of this – then I might feel bad about those anyway – so no escape from self actually, not for long anyway…thus better to get clear on this…

Well, its often so subtle – ‘uncool’ – see, not as ‘bad’ – just not so cool – as there is suppression – I have this judgement, negative emotion, instant suppression – all in a split second – and then I am ‘clear’ – but it happened, it accumulates somewhere and doing it enough times and it grows to the point of not so suppressed, but as an issue.
Then all of the tiny emotional suppression altogether stand up and say HELLO – and then I can’t ignore it, well, I can’t even do anything else as I just feel that I have this tidal wave awakening within me and I have to deal with it, and man, that’s tiresome and time consuming – and then I am exhausted, spent time with: not with priority, and then dealing with my inner waves, and the (to)day comes to it’s end and I am tired, yet did not progress with things as I wanted to, and that’s the point and inner conflict of what I write about to recognize, decompose, forgive and prevent.

I mean, when hearing stories about ‘extremely effective/successful men and their actions in the world’ – they might have had similar problems but could overcome and become one whole expression to do what they committed to do, thus become very effective with – it’s not impossible, just needs structure, self-honesty, motivation, direction and self-supporting tools and apply it, one step at a time to become unified within to be able to do what one really wants. Would I also want to become this ‘very effective/successful? I do not accept self-limitations and committed to find out my utmost potential, which means to keep exploring, understanding, growing!

Well, as I mentioned, the only way is to roll up my sleeves so to speak and get into the specific details to the utmost. Here meaning of what exact topics, points I judge myself as wanting to be different than I am actually – or within that want, actually seeing myself differently as I am – here the ‘fake it until make it’ does not work, thus better to change directly than to pretend, and it starts with admitting flaws, dishonesty, mistakes.

Just a short story – my father had drinking problems and later mental health issues too – but he kept avoiding to admit these, so he was ignoring facts until grew up on him to the extent of literally losing himself and his life with the overwhelming experiences of the accumulated things he never took responsibility for.

Thus, to admit problems – is although difficult, uncomfortable, can be even shameful for a moment, yes, but necessary to align with reality, and in fact can assist and support to realize the extent of self-dishonesty and self-compromise I allow myself to live within, and thus to really decide and stand up to change.

And ‘watching series‘ is just one example – although the things I experience are complex, as can relate to to my human interpersonal relationships, difficulties to be dealt with in family, at work, career, daily things, sexual desire or suppression, bully, any doubt, distrust, to see how the world is and face sadness, shame, or in overall questioning direction of my life, or financial, money points to face – each to deal with, while not get exhausted, overwhelmed, thus to balance it out with staying healthy, effective and growing, live with enjoyment, enthusiasm and innocent yet responsible and be open and able to share insights, support – it’s an art, but the key to it all is to learn and live being honest with myself, as if this one point I ever miss, then I actually can miss ‘myself’ within it all, which then start manifesting ‘glitches’, ‘reactions’, ‘frustrations’, ‘self-judgement’, ‘frustrations’, then manifesting worries, fears, then desires, etc…

One breath at a time to walk through points – and although there are many dimensions, take one thread, which bothers the most, and walk it through – and probably open another dimensions, insights, but I keep disciplined on walking this through – and if necessary, I hold this point – and clear out another what is necessary, and once that is clear, I understand myself on why and how I do what is not supportive, then I forgive, and move on with the initial point. Sounds simple. That’s why writing is key – not just thinking through, but to walk a point, word by word, the thread of Ariadne – of sanity, self-honesty and self-direction is writing here to see the patterns as I unfold with being honest with myself until all the maze of my consciousness is mapped and I see the pattern, the way in and out and I change the maze to be direct and simple, yet supporting and effective.

So, one step ‘closer’ to see directly the patterns with I create these energy craving spirals within what are getting more and more rare, less and less intense, but still way to understand, decompose, forgive and prevent myself participating, and it also entails on how to live what I not yet, but I could and actually wanting to.

AWESOME support on this and another topics at EQAFE

Day 293 – Driving self-correction reflection

img_4874Yesterday I wrote about going into reactions and losing presence, thus not breathing effectively, ‘properly’ within awareness here while driving and brought up the most relevant patterns I encounter on the road.

I was bringing up a lot of situations wherein I find it more common sense to not to react, not to take personally, not to lose direction and effective driving.

Today I was looking at what is changed in relation to driving since I wrote that yesterday, to further specify and accumulate the change I work on within myself.

In the morning I had at least three times when I was seeing that I would go into reaction, like ‘come on guys, go faster now’ or ‘what the hell you are doing?’ when some other driver does an unusual, illegal or even dangerous move on the road. Also something I’ve noticed is that there is a computer game I’ve played recently, a shooter, wherein I fight hordes of demons and when they injure you, the character I control shouts like ‘Motherf**ker!’ with a specific, angry, hurt tone and it was quite automatic that I said that word once today in relation to a car’s move in front of me. Well it’s kind of funny, nothing serious, but I see that this is related to judgement to that person, and behind that it’s a judgement within myself towards something I did not want to see then: that what the person did surprised me, did not like for some reason I also was not aware of, such as feeling like I have to slow down, I have to avert his car for instance.

Well, it’s nothing serious here, but when going upwards on a big hill, I have to slow down, shift down, use the clutch, the brake, the gearshift, maybe not just once, but 2-3 times, then also involving e-brake(handbrake). Well, it’s quite natural movement to do so, I do not need to think about it to execute it, so it should not be problem, but at times still being annoyed by.

Also I drive a diesel car, which warms up a bit slower than a petrol one; thus often, in the mornings, when I climb up the hill in the city through heavy traffic, I should be gentle with the engine until it’s warmed up properly, but sometimes it feels like all these stops and starts while maintaining the fluidity of the traffic, it’s just sometimes seems uncool to the car too.

Well, probably it’s not a huge problem, but in an ideal world, sometimes I’d be more gentle with the car until it’s totally warmed up engine-wise.

Also, there is this expectation that as I leave home quite late, there should be no heavy traffic anymore, but sometimes is, there can be an accident, roadwork, some really slow vehicles, indeed an old and/or slow dude/dudette is driving at front,  whatever; so all of these can still feel like influencing my direction by giving into judgments and reactions, which I see necessary to further specify, stop, forgive and transcend. Just a note to self.

Again: nothing serious, probably I could be perceived as already/still below than an average/most of the car driver human’s reaction, but here we deal with self-honesty and self-perfection in terms of decomposing, stopping and transcending all the patterns of self-dishonesty and self-limitation, so let’s keep specifying.

Backwards, at night, when I drove home, I had a passenger, and when I was talking with him, some of my attention was ‘with him’ and I did not judge that much about the road conditions, rather was observing the situation and handling accordingly.

I also have to share that there were also several times when I was able to become aware of this pattern of going into judgement and I was able to say ‘NO’ and re-align immediately to focus to driving itself without going into judgement and reaction.

Well, I could go into much-much more details on what is happening on my daily driving, such as there is only one lane on most of the mountain road part and there are buses and it’s kind of obligatory to support the bus to come out from it’s stop and that also means I have to slow down, even stop sometimes, and then follow the slow bus behind for a while and just this, predictable, all the time happening re-occurring event what can bring up in terms of me reacting to this and and other drivers behavior.

Or even there are some tight time-windows from specific green lights to be able to go through another before getting the red light, and some of those red lights are quite long, like 1-2 minutes too, and if those add together, I can literally get to my destination 8-15 minutes later. This itself does not justify to speed, but certainly adds to the actual practical knowledge of when to push the gas a bit harder and when it’s completely useless. And even prior to this knowledge, not to be overconfident and expect the best outcome and then get frustrated when it does not play out like that.

I go into details to just demonstrate that specificity matters and within any every day re-occurring event, activity or interaction within the ‘system’ one can use it as an opportunity to get to know thyself further, to discover self-limitation, self-dishonesty and to find their reasons, how those are being re-and recreated at what trigger points to empower oneself to be able to stop those patterns. There is no such moment when one should waste not to apply self-honesty, or if still existing such perception/belief, that should be also investigated and stopped with the same tools applied here.

It does not need to be perceived as completely wasted times, when for instance getting that 2 minutes red light, and just because there was a slow truck carrying glass windows that I should become frustrated. It’s actually quite silly and foolish, especially if this happens every day, all the time. I can go through all my presence, mind, body, beingness in that 1-2 minutes, to see if there is built up tension, pressure, thought-pattern, worry, desire, and I can enjoy breathing and re-aligning with real self here in physical reality.

And another point I want to bring up – is that often the source, origin of ‘moody’ behavior is not even regards to driving and traffic exclusively, but also what’s influencing me in that morning, like what thoughts, problems, emotions I experience and why.

For instance I will have a random amount of bill soon and if I go into worry of not being able to pay for it and at the same time to afford to buy firewood for the winter, to pay for dentist, to buy enough food and also to travel to family and support them and in the meantime considering everything and to be also become frustrated by each and accumulating that during a simple morning shower – well, it’s also not unusual for an ordinary human to get ‘worked up’ before even getting dressed or sitting into the car, stepping up to the bus, arriving at work, etc.

That’s why it’s essential to invest time and effort to work with our mind, our thoughts, reactions, patterns, personality manifestations + at the same time to develop body and physical presence awareness, real intimacy with being here, ‘bodywork’, giving the time and space to slow down within and to find little moments of pure self-expression without any fear or desire, past or future.

I also could already move ahead with another point and leaving this driving point behind by stating, well, I’ve wrote stuff about it, became aware of quite several patterns of it, I am DONE, NEXT.

It’s also quite supporting to stick to a point and walk it through until it’s really-really owned, meaning I am clear, directive, nothing moves me, I am here, this is who I am.

Well, it’s a process in terms of driving, but I just commit here to continue investigating, decomposing, correcting, forgiving myself until I am naturally present without any reaction. I do not know when that would occur, maybe never, but it does not matter, this is what’s here today, that’s where I am directing myself towards: to discover more patterns, to stop I am already being aware of and keep expressing, exploring, sharing and living.

One last point – reflecting back to the apparently less related point of ‘motherf**ker’ remark I did – this also can open up a whole lot of dimensions of self-identification, like ‘what’s cool’ and why seems to be cool and awesome to curse, what it feels like, what I experience gaining, but when walking a point, a dimension, a pattern, most of the time overlapping, another points will come up and although it’s great to note them, but not to be distracted by, jumped over – except when it seems common sense to open up, and work through that aspect first in order to continue working through the current point I walk through.

The ‘everything is interconnected’ is never a worn-out phrase here – if I ‘work’ on driving, it does not mean I would not get, develop, manifest, substantiate insights, realizations, practical and effective self-correction ‘spreading’ to another aspects of my life. Patience is a decision, which can accumulate into self-trust, self-direction, discipline, what obviously can be applied at all aspects of life. That’s why it’s also common sense to walk through a point really, because often cannot be foreseen what benefits I might manifest, until I really am clear of any reactions in regarding to that point/aspect/scenario.

Again – that’s why writing is extremely supportive here – written word remains, I do not think about it, so my head can become clear, and it’s in front of me, and remains so, therefore I can return to it, continue with it, this is really awesome.

Thanks, enjoy, bye

Day 275 – Suppression to stop

IMG_3827The EQAFE series of Quantum Physical provides exceptional support by looking at the physical manifestation of the self-acceptance and
mind-personalities on the human face.

These interviews are supporting with the point of SUPPRESSION:

Throughout my life I’ve been working on this point as I have the tendency to swallow and suppress experiences, energetic states, judgments, emotions and basically any kind of points within myself I did not want or could not face, take responsibility for or acknowledge the need for change, justified by various excuses and justifications.

Today the tendency of suppression within me is like 1/100th of what I used to participate within, but still existing, can undermine self-trust and stability, thus it’s something I take responsibility for and work on it actively until it’s gone.

I am going to open up this point slowly as first allowing myself to freely write about suppression, some memories from my past to bring up and then will focus to physical aspect of the act of suppression, what do I feel, experience and see within myself, what are the signs within/on my body when I participate within the mind-patterns of suppression to support myself to prevent participating within it.

It’s not that I consciously want to suppress anything – there were times when I used to, but those times has passed and with walking Process since a while, having the Desteni group as support platform to share and ask, with the exceptionally mindblowing material provided by EQAFE, and the awesome Self-empowering online course of Desteni I Process and it’s buddy support; I am more than ready to face anything within me to take responsibility for, so let’s walk.

Any time you, the reader feeling like can relate, would have something to add or suggest, don’t be shy, that’s why we walk our process openly, so then we can multiply realization and assist each other by cross-referencing the practical knowledge of understanding, correcting and re-defining ourself for good.

Throughout my life of more than 36 years, I’ve never seen any pattern, thought-construct, emotional state, conviction, belief or judgement within myself what I could not open up, decompose and fully understand if I would take the decision, commitment and actual physical time and effort to open up, investigate, word it, write down and understand, thus I am certain that human nature as it is today can be changed, thus humanity as a group of individuals also can be changed with actual, self-honest action, and that’s what I am doing here, starting here, with what I have authority and power over: myself here.

I’ve seen so many people around Desteni to change, to let go their shame, shyness, guilt and powerlessness and emerge as stable, responsible and shining individuals, who’ve became active part of society and actually making a difference with principled living.

I understand that many people have problem with ‘Principle’ as I’ve been there too, but here I am, I am accumulating efforts to consistently live by the principle of self-honesty, self-forgiveness and physical birthing myself as responsible for all as equal as one as myself.

Suppression, as it is, a self-protection mechanism, which, within it’s flawed nature, still reflects back self-acceptance as who I allow myself to be.

There are several physical symptoms, I’ve experienced during my life what indicated, and still today, sometimes coming back saying ‘Hello, I am still here!’ Just to list some up, for instance I had ulcer within my stomach, as I was digesting up myself to the point of self-destruction and for a while that sickness really got me a literal taste of personal hell. At these moments, the digesting acid feels like coming up even to the point of my throat, which was biting the whole swallow area, and literally feeling like ‘acidic’ experience, which was quite uncomfortable. Since I’ve visited Desteni Farm and talked with Resonances through the Portal, I’ve got direct support to recognise this before really happening, so when I allow the mind to really grow on me and going into judgement, emotions, suppressions, to recognise and then let it go and stabilize myself, but I never fully applied decomposition, self-forgiveness and real change to the full extent, so this is also a point to look at here.

Also sometimes I can have the tendency to chew my mouth from within, which seems weird, but somehow when being in stress, tension or exhaustion, this feels like giving some energy, but actually I was again: eating myself up within by constant self-judgement, shame and guilt, literally manifesting it as eating my own flesh up to the point of having little scars in my mouth. The interesting point within that was that once there was some ‘flaw’ in the flesh within, it seemed easier to just continue eating myself and always re-starting before the flesh healing it. Well, this was never extreme, so never had ‘problems’ from it, but within self-honesty, this has never was really stopped.

When I was kid, I used be really a daydreamer, constant thinker, I felt like with the thoughts I actually could virtualise all possible scenarios before any action and think everything through, like ‘simulations’ to run and then what I felt the best, after seeing what to I react the most positive way, I heavily relied to my mind-personality to tell me what to do. This made me awkwardly slow within action and extremely limited within actual communication with others, especially with those, who I really wanted the best to happen with, such as women, or initiative, powerful people.
I was thin, really white skinned boy and among the physically more developed, brown-skinned others, who were much more ‘physical’ and strong, I felt that my only chance is to be really smart, to use my mind, my logic, my ‘processing power’, which I did, and many times it really worked, and gave me the ability to figure out things and also make things more efficiently, but many times really made things much worse, because if worry or fear influenced my reactions or reasoning, I twisted my perception and judgements based on emotions, which I really not like. That’s why I started to develop suppression. In a split second, there is reaction, emotion, vast amount of energy, what was ready to influence my pure, clinical logic of assessing with precision, so then I suppressed it. Like a superhero thing, there is this scar, a bullet hit me, and in the moment feel it, but in the next, I am ‘whole’ again. That I liked, but did not realize that what I suppress, accumulates, and when it’s full within me, then it’s energy, the whole thing comes alive and takes over, I am kind of possessed so to speak and then do stupid things, feeling like being in a rage and wanting to destruct all structure within me – and even sometimes I did hurt others too, luckily not much, but those times I was really ashamed, so then I’ve learnt to use that for energizing the mind with shame to suppress even more to try to ‘perfectly endure’ everything, what would make me unstable or would lose the logical mind.

This made me a great fighter, but only within myself, having enormous battles for control, stability and accepted as my nature – if something can really win an energetic, emotional war within me, then I identified myself with it and even if meanwhile I was unstable on all levels, I stuck with it as felt like this is life, this is who I am and this means to really be alive, but this took me to some really-really unpleasant situations and places on earth, where I had to reconsider that this is not the way I want to live.

Since walking Process, I’ve realized that I do not need to fight, or even resist things as no matter what I learn, reveal, understand or discover within me, I can change, I can change that aspect of myself, so no need to judge myself, no need to fear facing anything, but committing myself to change, finding practical ways to accumulate effort to manifest that change. The very words I think, feel and act are really important to investigate, what do I mean by ‘that’, what do I associate by ‘this’ and where do I see fear, resistance, desire, where I go into emotional reaction and instead of suppression, what can I do to embrace, stop and re-align myself with more direct, self-trusting and self-honest living.

For introduction, this is enough, I will continue more details on suppression to see it from different angles.

In the meantime I really suggest to utilize EQAFE interviews for more understanding on human mind-behavior as it is imperative to take responsibility for our actions and inabilities for the proper actions. Even the price of an interview seems like a lot, within UK, it’s the price of a pack of cigarettes, and also by paying that, one can support the creators of EQAFE, who are dedicated their life relentlessly to record and share as much as possible support. So, for me, those coins really worth the price. And there are many-many hours length of audio books there, which are free, for instance every series/categories are up there, the first 5 is always free.

Equal Life Foundation has many platforms for Education, many are free and providing professional self-support, life-coaching, which seems as fancy, but in fact it’s a million times evolved version of any spiritual/religious/psychological studies I’ve ever found on Earth, so before you judge, give it a try, it’s totally free:

Thanks, enjoy, bye

Day 273 – Presence as substantiating Awareness

Expanding on Presence. Process of bringing myself to Presence.DSC_0391

If I have this thought/emotion coming up within me and influencing me, moving me, then I am actually compromising my presence here, because I allow some systems within me, what I have accepted and allowed and gave permission to automatically active and come into the context of my self-expression. And I find the best practical way is to find out these automatic processes is to write down the words I contain and as I explore the relationships I exist within according to these words, I can reveal the creation of my own personality, because it’s really practical and common sensical to take my power back so to speak and stop blaming outside of me, but take responsibility for the creation I represent here…”

Continuing to talk about this within this video linked here.


Study Self at Free Online Course at

Great lectures about Living at

Supportive audiobooks at

Journey to Life blogs at

Find me on Facebook at

Enjoy Breath and dare to investigate all things within self-honesty and keep which is best.

Day 271 – Physical integration

DSC_0424After my last post I am continuing with the re-alignment from the conscious mind experience into physical awareness direction.

Scripting some slowing down and preparing for practical change to prevent going into thinking while doing something – specifically some physical activities, such as gardening, dish washing.
When and as I do gardening, such as watering plants, weeding the vegetables, cutting the vegetation, raking the leaves I let go everything else but what I do – slow down within and make the decision to postpone everything else, whatever would bother me or a worry would come up that I would forget to do something if I would not think about it – I stop all and focus to my physical action.

When and as I see that while doing gardening, physical action and thoughts arise in my head about something I worry to forget about – I decide not to follow, react to and I let it go and also decide to remember the point came up and I breathe in and then breathe out and I ‘follow’ my presence, I ensure that I am clear, empty and here and I continue my physical action.

When and as I feel overwhelmed by thoughts while doing something, I drop the thoughts, re-align with breathing here and make the decision to stand HERE within physical presence.

When and as I worry of forgetting something, I utilize my phone’s calendar and then I re-align with breath and continue with my application here and make the decision not to be distracted.

The point just came to the surface is that I have the tendency to get occupied so ‘deep’ with something, that I ‘fall into’, ‘get lost within it’, basically forgetting the bigger context, which is often all right, but usually when really losing the ‘big picture’, that means I am losing actual and full presence here, which means I am within reactions during that activity, so then my mind is being stimulated, distracted, and thus raising the chance of not ‘remembering’ things I would like to remember, therefore welcoming such worry-thought-reminders of things I’d not like to forget, meanwhile I am completely subjected to my mind and the more I ‘trust it’, the less I am fully here within consistency.

I forgive myself that I have not realized, seen and understood that actual, real, manifested and living awareness as self here is when I am constantly, consistently present, and even when there is something WITHIN myself to be noticed, processed or experienced, I do not lose presence, I do not ‘fall into it’ and do not lose direction, but remaining present, directive and whole, meaning not going into separation mode with duality as observing, subjecting and defining things based on memories, categories and self-interest of positive and negative.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the lack of self-trust and self-honesty to be required to stick with myself constantly and consistently here, no matter what I experience, feel or going through, because of the self-defined belief and hope that if I go into energetic reactions of the mind to the specific words I give permission to it to be activated automatically based on circumstances and not realizing that I hold onto the idea of choosing something known instead of exploring the unknown based on the fear of experiencing worse than I defined I would desire to experience and not realizing that it’s not based on physical facts, common sense, thus it’s delusion, self-dishonesty, false hope.

I forgive myself that I have not realized and understood that I keep holding onto the false hope within my mind based on memories, definitions, positive and negative polarities related to words to not need to face reality, facts, consequences here, because I’ve defined those would be too intense, I would change by those experiences and I do not want to change what I believe that is me, because then I would have to face the unknown and not realizing that that unknown is actually myself here, thus based on fear, I hold onto not to know myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that in the moment of stopping myself to express myself here in and as the physical, I am suppressing, I go into fear, regardless of I admit it or not, regardless of I am becoming aware of how and why, but still: I am not actually living, but surviving and the more I give into this energetic experience, the more I manifest consequences what I have to face eventually, thus the common sense is to face myself and the manifested consequences as soon and as directly as I can to take responsibility for separating myself from what is actually here as myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that by fearing from making mistakes, I became addicted to follow thoughts by believing that by that I can avoid mistakes I did in the past and not realizing that when I follow thoughts, I am not fully here, thus I am preventing myself to apply and express myself to the fullest potential, thus actually giving more chance to not direct it as fully as I could, and by that, manifesting what I fear from: making mistake, forgetfulness, experiencing uncomfortability.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the best practical way to re-align myself from thought-based, internal backchat, silent inner dialogue-based living to actual, physically present, whole and silent within expression here in and as the physical, which is to stop participating and directing all I am to be fully here – and what I resist to direct to be here or any aspect of myself I am unable to align to be fully here is the point and actual self-separation manifested through and as the mind what I have to take responsibility for and investigate, embrace and understand within it’s entire creation and with that practical understanding supporting myself to preventing myself to go into it again and thus stopping the pattern and moving to the next point required to be aligned.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I do something and I do it based on thinking, backchat, internal dialogue and all of a sudden someone appears or sounds something and I get afraid for a moment – is the point of self-reflection that am I get scared for a moment, because I was completely off and not present from here, and that’s why I got so surprised that I got afraid for a moment, because not knowing what’s happening for a moment – meanwhile if I am constantly and consistently here, this surprise is not that ‘harsh’, because as I am here, I see it appearing, the person getting closer and there is no thought process I am busy being distracted from being here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have to commit myself to every single specific activity and experience of my practical living to transform those moments of myself to re-align to be here, by starting with the most obvious ones, such as waking up, walking to bathroom, taking shower, dishwashing, watering plants, weeding plants, walking, going to toilet and then when I am effectively present without constant thought-patterns occupying my attention, I expand to other activities and I accumulate self-trust.

When and as I use water for gardening, dishwashing, shower or other activities – I feel it physically, feeling it on my skin, feeling it’s temperature, it’s moist, its flow, movement and substance and the tactile experience on my skin, thus bringing myself to my senses and physical body awareness from the thoughts, feelings, emotions and thus accumulating physical presence and awareness.

When and as I use tools to work with physically, I feel the material on my hand, feel the weight, the substance on my skin, it’s temperature, the pattern of the surface of it and so on and I expand my senses, awareness and direction to embrace more and more experience from this physical existence.

When and as I walk, move and travel, I focus to my body movement, direction, feel the pressure on the soil, feel the muscles I use for movement, I feel the gravity, feel the physical resistances I have to move through, such as the weight of my body, if moving faster, the air, wind or in water, then it’s resistance and I feel it on my skin and embrace all here.

I commit myself to constantly be aware of the fact that there is no ‘less important’ moment within my life, each is equal opportunity to apply self-honesty, align myself to be here, regardless of what I do, how I do it, where I am doing it or am I alone or not – and if there is change within myself based on these external circumstances, then I open up those points and forgiving myself and stop this one breath at a time and accumulate presence, self-trust and self-honesty.

I commit myself to walk this process of purification and unification within self-honesty and share it with others and thus cross-reference and support myself and also those who are in doubt and fear from letting go the self-sabotaging mind-constructs of doubt, fear and energetic addiction to thoughts.

When and as I am seeing doubt, something to figure out, a worry would come up about something – I stop and let go the fear and re-align and assist and support myself to open up the point by asking the right question and then answering to myself and directly move within my mind within presence without losing the physical awareness, here-ness, direction and explore – and if too many things are going on to be able to slow myself down, then I utilize sounding words, self-forgiveness and stabilizing myself – or taking time and effort and sit down and write the words down, use what I already learned from DesteniIProcess and support myself to become aware of the patterns within the starting point and principle of ‘Know myself instead of Think myself’ – as real knowledge frees myself from the need of thinking and I can focus on directly living here.

Online support for re-defining words – School of Ultimate Living

Slowing down – Spirituality of the snail

Day 266 – Music re-alignment

musicaTaking responsibility for the self-dishonesty I’ve opened up within my last post in regarding to how I used music – not always, but often.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use music as trigger point to re-live and re-react to my past experiences and memories in order to occupy myself and not be consistent here within each breath equally without questioning why do I really act like that, beyond the conviction and justification of ‘feeling good by listening my favorite music collection’.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself in terms of I’ve created relationships with my past experiences, how and what I’ve defined within those moments and defined myself to always react the same way, or even if I would change in regarding to how I would react to the specific memory, that is not by decision and self-direction, but based on another reaction to another specific memory or experience and thus basically giving myself up to being triggered to react the same way whenever my mind or circumstances dictate.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the possibility and actuality of my mind deciding things ‘behind’ my awareness, wherein if I would really slow down in those moments and be absolutely here within and as the physical and not got lost in the mind, I could see that it is actually being done by my consent and permission and that is the responsibility point I have to take and embrace.

I forgive myself that I have not really considered to investigate, find out and actually realize and live the body presence physical awareness required to be able to observe myself as the mind, as thoughts, feelings, emotions, reactions, memories, definitions, judgments and convictions, because exactly being constantly and consistently occupied with those within myself.

I forgive myself that I have not admitted that I am not the director and creator of my life, because of the already manifested patterns, acceptances and actual word-based self-definitions, which by I am at the mercy of circumstances, my environment, my conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind, thus existing within self-separation based on the conviction that this is who I am and this is life and this is what I must improve, evolve, develop and protect as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that by defining a specific memory and experience based on my interest, my perception and experiences, I am becoming subjective, which if I take granted, especially if I am using my already existing self-definitions of my ego mind rule system; therefore I should question the authority within myself, which is being applied apparently and admittedly automatically without I am really being aware of, therefore here is this aspect, part of me, who I am not aware of, I do not know, I do not feel, I do not see, I do not experience, I do not live and direct, but existing separately from my actual experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I have defined the personality, the energetic experiences and self-definitions, the polarity of positive and negative judgments of actions and reactions within me without realizing that this is completely self-made up, therefore whatever I experience based on these self-definitions, judgments, opinions is merely delusional, therefore to take these seriously means I do exist as self-created imagination.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I define how I feel, what I must do, how I must react based on the self-definitions and memories, experiences, convictions of how I decided to be defined in my past and still remaining so, – then I am living a lie, which is not who I really am, what is actually right HERE in and as the physical reality, shared with all others around me equally, what I accept and choose to disregard when relying to my mind, therefore if I act and react to re-establish, re-experience, re-react to these self-definitions and memories, then I am denying and escaping from what is here, I am existing within fear, which I might not know or even know of what I fear from, resulting to turn my back to actual reality and not wanting to face because of something I again – do know or do not know, but within that I can already see that I can reveal all of me if I decide and direct myself, thus if I do not know myself, do not live myself, do not free myself, do not express myself, then I am not life, but manifested consequences of programmed organic systems based on fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I really-really look into myself as deeply as possible, as honestly as possible, I can actually see/realize/understand everything I react of how and why I am who I am today, therefore I actually can take responsibility for all I exist currently as.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can stop accepting who I am based on the experiences and memories I have and naturally if I do not actually stand up as this realization in this moment, in the next moment as of this breath I take and the next one I will take – I am in fact existing within fear, which if I do not admit, then I fear from admitting existing within fear for not another reason but fear and thus in fact who I am is starting point of fear.

I forgive myself that I have never considered to realize that what I fear from is also myself which I did not yet embrace but wanting to separate from the experience and expression of myself and actually ending up manifesting it internally or externally and literally becoming it.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the exact specific points I am experiencing by the specific music collection I play and react to, as realizing that the details hold the key for understanding and the way to forgiveness and change.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve developed a relationship with emotional energy resonating within my mind and physical body which I feel that I need to have, experience, re-create and even refine and evolve as the self-accepted addiction to the energetic experiences, what are actually required to keep the self-delusion of definitions and rules, which is to cover fear.

I forgive myself that I have not admitted the mistakes I made, the ones I already am aware of as those were mistakes but never really understood what would be a real, actual change from that stance where I still feel myself being related to within my mind as reactions; and also those mistakes I did not realize what I made due to complete and consistent occupation within the mind, memories, reactions as believing that is who I am and not admitting that I would be really scared and scattered without those systematic manifestations within me constantly whispering me of who I must perceive myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the traumas I experienced and defined during my childhood and university years and the specific music songs I listened back there, I linked these two and automatically, involuntarily without really embracing myself and my past and remaining here within awareness and principle to recognize that I was not present then, thus giving into the energetic experience of feelings and emotions, just like I did back there, thus re-playing the same program over and over again without changing, only accumulating acceptance and permission to not change this as who I perceive myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I given permission to my mind as the systematic representation of who I accepted myself to manifest as, to utilize memory and word programming to trigger emotions to experience and energize specific personality within my mind in order to balance out the delusion of religion of self who I created myself to be, equated within as a system, integrated into the world system without really being aware of the consequences.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself that I accepted not to listen and feel literally the music itself when playing specific songs, tracks, but focusing to the reactions automatically seeing myself experiencing them and then defining that this is all right and acceptable, meanwhile not realizing that I am just reacting, not really listening the music here as the sound and my beingness does not resonate here as equal as one.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be self-honest with myself to be able to recognize when I am not honest with myself and be really myself as beingness HERE in and as awareness and self expression, but only lost within consciousness systems, programmed and exposed to rules, regulations, triggers and automatic definitions to always tell me what I see, feel, how I should react and act without realizing that I am not the director here, because I am not fully aware and absolutely self-honest about what I really do is what is best for all and within not being certain within that, already indicating that I am not really aware, thus I should question my responsibility of is it only self-interest or really aligned with all of existence.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and define that when I experienced pain mentally and emotionally during my times from where I defined specific songs as meaning and compressed trigger points to those memories, that those songs I like, because of being great music, but in fact I defined to like those for the trigger, reaction and experience I can re-live with those.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit and acknowledge that within those moments I held onto anger and shame at the same time and did not forgive myself for still accepting that within myself, because never looked really into myself to open up and reveal and re-align myself within the specific understanding of what was the dishonesty which I deliberately chose to avoid pain and suffering, even if not realizing that the consequence will be actually the exact same thing I was trying to avoid, manifesting suppressed layers within me, becoming self-definition and self-limitation without being aware of it while also not realizing that it is undermining and sabotaging my trust, integrity, self-honesty and stability.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that I was ashamed of myself of losing myself and falling into emotional storms, such as falling into love to someone to the degree of not even seeing the other, not even experiencing myself here, but only this feeling, this burning desire, fear, pain, of losing it and by doing so, being ashamed of myself as human being yet completely being compelled to these energetic experiences, their intensity and after all, defining this as my life, therefore who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not admitted that within my past I had so much anger towards the system and people who I perceived as beautiful, successful, rich and powerful, because I wanted to have the same but I felt like I could not, therefore I wanted to disregard it all, defining it as despicable and myself as noble, special, just to keep myself together, even if it means to re-create such experience of righteousness, which required lot of re-and re-thinking and emotional triggering, reaction-storms and constant conflict and turmoil within myself, resulting to equate out the perceived energetic wave-storm, what I defined as who I am while becoming addicted to this energetic movements, rushes and not realizing that these are sucking out the actual life force from my human physical body, making it exhausted, aged, sick and manifesting more layered information, systems and separation as consequence.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become angry and doubtful, spiteful and dishonest with myself by accepting the fact what I experienced in regarding to myself that I could not trust in myself, I could not direct myself due to the exposure of automatic thought-energy-emotion-feeling roller-coaster I experienced constantly within my mind, which from I wanted to escape, and using energy, reactions to accumulate such intensity for trying to get free of myself, while not realizing that the solution is not escape, separation or exclusion, suppression or destruction, but embracing, facing, taking responsibility and becoming aware of all words, definitions, patterns, reactions, trigger points, constructs to the utmost specificity without being influenced by my past automatically and directing myself to stop and re-define, change.

I forgive myself that I have not admitted that I do not remain always, constantly and consistently here within and as this moment and the next, because of fear of letting go, fear of facing the unknown, fear from fear itself and facing the inevitable consequences.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be fully here when emotions rise within me and to see what they are actually during listening music and living myself here through and as the physical body as presence and to see that emotions are in fact empty and conditioned, and if I rely on to define myself to be and give permission to automatically move me, then I am self-dishonest, because I exist within a relationship with the definition of energetic experience, and by that relationship through the mind – I am separated, therefore enslaved by circumstances, conditions, and within that there is no self-expression, only cause and effect.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I defined emotional storms as good within me because fueling me to feel a lot of energy, which defined as intensity, which defined as being alive, because of this movement of energy within me, but not realizing that meanwhile I am not moving actually, and even if I act upon this experience, it’s not self-movement, but being influenced, moved by the accumulated energetic self-definition activation of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that music can be experienced and lived through my empty, clear, fully present beingness and allowing it, directing myself to live myself, the resonance, the sound, to feel it with all of myself and embrace it and to exist without definition, polarity of good and bad, comparison of past, categorization – nothing of those, but simply be here undefined, unified, whole and whenever I see inner reaction, energetic movement with thoughts, emotions, feelings arising from myself, it is clear that I am giving into energetic temptation and not facing what is fully here, which indicates fear, so then I look at the source within myself and see the self-dishonesty for I take responsibility for to stop.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit to myself that whenever I accept and react to thoughts, feelings, emotions move and wave within me and do not stand up to stop it as myself here, then that means I have no directive power, therefore I am not living fully here, but as manifested consequence acting out the past.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that whenever I go into the mind to have reactions of positive and negative, it is based on a fear of not wanting to, not being able to face myself and the creation of self here, therefore to take refugee within any polarity based self-definition construct is self-dishonesty, thus the common sense is to become aware of the exact pattern and to stand up and not give into the reaction, let it go, re-align here with and as the physical and make the stand and find practical ways to change myself, explore what is beyond this pattern of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I was existing within constant and consistent fear and to hide that I’ve defined ways to entertain myself and go on energetic roller-coaster experiences to have a sense of movement, a sense of choice, but in fact I am not directing, I am being moved by accepted consequences, for what I have to make the stand eventually.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I used music to occupy myself and distract myself from facing what is here as who I am and whenever experiencing silence and quietness, I would feel uncomfortable, boring, therefore wanting to stimulate myself in order to cheer myself up, to do something and not realizing that the very experience of uncomfortability from being with myself here and the experience of boredom indicates suppression and resistance and fear, which should be investigated, worded down and forgiven specifically and commit myself to stop participating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use music to intensify the experience I have by feeling like it is pushing me and moving me, to go faster within experiences in my mind and not realizing that it is separating myself from here, physical presence awareness and direction, because the mind apparently can be faster, but in fact it’s not real movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that music is the way/a way to liberation and by listening it to be tuned for awakening and awareness and not realizing that projecting out desires, definitions and expectations without being aware of doing so, therefore not recognizing that having energetic experiences based on reactions to self-defined relationship of words is a program, not awakening or awareness, but relying to the past, based on a pattern, what I’ve defined as who I am, but in fact who I really am is behind that pattern.

I commit myself to decompose all memories, reactions, word relationships, self-definitions to music to let go all the past from my mind, body, beingness and to un-learn all those energetic reactions and to find practical ways to remain always here within presence without any mind-construct to be used for embracing, listening, enjoying and playing music.

I commit myself to forgive all the self-accepted relationships I defined according to music and the values I’ve given into specific patterns and types, parts, styles within music by identifying with definitions of ‘this is my style’, ‘this is what I like’ or ‘this is what I do not like’ based on experiences in the past, my energetic reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions had in the past and still re-living those in case of hearing the specific music track or style, therefore in those moments I let it all go, and I breathe, and re-align to remain here and to see what’s actually here.

I commit myself to stop defining intensity as value within music and defining who I am according to the intensity of music I hear and feeling like if it’s not intense, brutal, straightforward, blunt, ‘kickass’, then defining it as just ‘chill’ and nothing special, and within that categorizing as not so interesting, not my style, not really for enjoying as party, but only as something ‘understated’, just because it’s slower or less explosive.

I commit myself to stop defining that I only like specific genres of music and to see what is beyond types and genres and what I can simply embrace and enjoy, create and play without any definition or judgement.

I commit myself to stop using music as triggering past memories, experiences, emotions, feelings, thoughts; letting all go and when listening to music, really opening myself up and directing myself to be empty and feel it literally without any polarity or judgement, comparison or category.
I see opening up many points beyond this, such as the points I resist during playing, creating and writing music.
Another point I see is that the automatic judgement system is ‘loosened up’, which by I stood before as who I believed myself to be, which by I determined what music is ‘good’ and ‘bad’, based on my personality. I always knew, that it’s subjective, but by walking these points here I have a better understanding of specific type of preferences of my past, which turned out to be eventually as self-limitation, because I conditioned myself to NOT explore, embrace, listen and actually enjoy moments when I was exposed to music I pre-defined as ‘not cool’, which is not common sense.
It does not mean I have to be able to enjoy all music, but who I am and how I am and should not change based on conditions.

It’s important to be able to not mix these things up – who I am and what I experience, because if I define myself based on this moment in the next one, then I can ‘stuck’. Being aware of the facts does not necessarily means I should accept myself as how things are for the rest of my life, but it’s the way to be able to align myself with a practically liveable principle, what can support to remain consistent and stable.

Many people worry and judge principles as those can really limit and degrade humans, as I was such too, until did not realize that I can re-define a principle what does not limit me and aligns me with what I stand for, which is what is best for all.

Many can start arguing that there is no such thing as ‘best for all’, but in fact it is and those who don’t understand it are still in the process of realizing it. It’s really an ego-crusher if we really consider it – am I absolutely sure and honest about stating something like that “I am certain, there is no such thing, I’ve investigated everything, studied, tested, cross-referenced EVERYTHING in existence and here I stand as fully confident“?

For me, music is something what can be seen through this simple principle – what and how is the best way to stand in relation to music to support myself and all the best way possible?

To not go back to the past all the time, to not repeat the same energetic reactions in my mind, meanwhile having problems in real time, waiting for me, from which I decide to be distracted from or emotionally charged up to activate a personality with what I THINK that I will be more capable to deal with – is it really the best way to approach problems or can I find a more practical way?

Also to recognize, that the values which by I define music as ‘worthy spending time with’ was based on emotional relationships with memories and things I did or not did – and it was less about the music itself, so in fact I was just using music to trigger stuff in my mind.

By walking through the memories, the points I defined as extremely intense and difficult, I see/realize and understand that I do not need to remain as the same and I can change and let go fear, desire, I do not need to give up when facing resistances to become aware of points and if something is uncomfortable, I do not need to boost my moral with energy, but rather I can look, why it is difficult and how can I assist myself with practical common sense?

Also by listening music without going into memories, emotions by images, thoughts – I can really embrace and feel music – and that is also really cool – to be open, vulnerable and present.