Day 364 – Resisting conflict construct

IMG_0987I am working on a Mind Construct which relates to conflict. My previous strategy was avoiding conflicts, because I had the belief and the perception that I am not good within solving them, not, because I believed that I do not understand the problem well, but it seemed that my problem is that I can’t share and communicate with the other(s) what’s right, and thus I had the tendency to not even try or simply avoid these situations.

This carries quite some points what should be reviewed in the principle of absolute self-honesty, which I am going to walk through briefly. I am still walking these points within the Mind Construct, so here I only share my understandings I became aware of thus far.

Walking a Mind Construct is a unique technique what Desteni I Process Pro online course entails to learn, an immensely great self-supporting tool to expose self-delusions and self-limitations in order to assist and support ourselves and each other to be able to stop participating within various types of self-dishonesty.

First of all, there is an obvious righteousness within that statement: ‘I can’t share and communicate with the other(s) what’s right’ – and it might be the situation, but to always start like this, no matter what conflict I face, it’s overconfident, and if I really investigate points, I simply am not right, but as I do not face the so perceived conflict, I do not confront my perception with others, I might just never know what’s the truth(facts).
So in order to protect my idea of ‘I am right’ – I can simply avoid confronting anyone who would oppose of that of my particular statement for instance. Avoidance big time.

Secondly, because I believe that I am not able to communicate my points properly, in particular with those who I believe to be much more efficient within communication and argument, I define myself as inferior within sharing and persuading. And if I really want to nitpick, the word ‘persuasion’ – it’s not about finding out and sharing facts, but persuading others of what I want them to perceive. That’s another point to consider.

My belief that I am not good with talking within opposing opinions comes from the memory and fear of someone being emotional near, with, against me, because of the memories of my childhood primarily, where adults were often angry at each other and really behaving nasty and argue and fight with each other and that I never liked, and as a child, could not really come out with a real good solution/support within those situations, but best seemed to avoid, be distracted, or if not possible, suppress the reactions.

Thus, the belief that I can’t do anything about emotions, emotional people, and then allowing myself being influenced to become emotional, I guess I did not even try anymore, or what I concluded or convinced myself to do was mostly distraction, avoidance and suppression.

Even now, when my communication skills have developed a lot since my childhood, at times when I am not aware of that I am becoming angry or frustrated, I am losing the ability to remain effective, to consider common sense, as I guess, many other fellow humans can relate with this, and I always hated this, because for me effectiveness and always being able to calculate options is very important.

Therefore, anything obviously causing to compromise the almost ‘cold’-like calculation within a situation, I simply disregard focusing to, which is, less nicely put: ‘don’t give a shit about it’ – if I can. If I can’t then I am in big trouble and often can overcomplicate or overreact.

Emotions are not bad – must admit – but if I allow those to control and take over me when I should consider facts only – then I am compromised and no matter what, everyone is always responsible for their actions, even when their mind is clouded. Thus I’d prefer not to be clouded.

This does not mean I can not enjoy, share or care, when it is an expression, directly, and not an energetic experience only, but an ACTION, then I live the words, not being defined by self-dishonesty-based influenced through my accepted and allowed relationship I exist in relation to words.

The solution is not that difficult – in written words – just be able to recognize a pattern, apply in real time the practical prevention and then to live the purified and re-defined version of the words.

Here: COMMUNICATION within CLARITY and PRESENCE.

So whenever I am being influenced with emotions and becoming reactive, energetic experiences ‘lubricate’ and speed up my mind and my reaction time is more immediate – when considering consequences and best options less and less, but automacically acting out a pattern, which I already realized within self-honest assesment and diary that it’s not tbe best to do, and I am not honest with myself absolutely, then once I recognize the pattern, I can PREVENT myself indulging within such automatic reaction.

Within this example I share here today – communication, conflict – I recognize, I should remain present, directive, not get reactive, and to see – in the past, yes, I was not that effective within sharing my point, what I see as relevant, but today, if I focus to what I want to say, to the other participant, to my physical body, breathing, environment, — then I can express myself, use words, enjoy sounding the voice of the words and not be influenced by the fear of not being able to talk.
Especially, because, in fact not being able to express myself properly is due to the overwhelming reactions, but if I stop the domino to fall into that reaction, I can stop the whole pattern to act out.

It’s quite empowering. And within the communication, sharing the point with other(s), expanding with response-ability: I might find out that I was actually wrong – thus I correct the potential righteousness as well – which, if I would not communicate and share, receive and hear, I might not even realize, but would remain in the perception of I am right, while not actually.

So, in short, this is a typical pattern what can lie behind in a two sentence scenario, what is worth to decompose and correct.

Self-forgiveness is practical step for taking action and responsibility, because

  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to fall into emotional reaction automatically, even I have already proven to myself that it’s not the best and honest way
  • and also forgiving myself for believing that I can’t express and share myself, because as happened in the past, defined myself as such, and thus re-creating myself again and again like that, thus locking myself into this self-definition.

Giving myself an opportunity to recognize that fear from emotions, conflict is fear from making the same mistakes I did before, and also giving myself the chance to STOP this pattern this time and explore what I can do to change.

This is the best tool to deal with any kind of limitation anyone faces in this world, and if being resisted, having excuse of why it is not your type of activity, way of dealing with shit, it is worth considering the fact that the very resistance you experience is also just a type of pattern what can be decomposed and transcended with the mind construct.

Also to apply self-corrective statements – it’s like creating a thin but firm structure to re-align, like a blueprint or screenplay for a scenario, where I should be able to support myself with re-creation, until I can stand in real time to apply the prevention, stopping, changing, expanding.

  • When and as I find myself within a conflict with someone, I make sure that I do not get emotional, do not get personal, I focus to remain stable, effective within communication and share my point – and hear the other and let us find out facts and solution.

We all are operating with words, our mind computer has the operating system programmed by our language, by our definitions, associations, and some of those are correct, aligned with facts, and some are influenced by fear, worry, delusion or desire.

Aligning ourselves to facts is not a nice thing, because many truth hurts, but that’s the way towards empowering ourselves to be able to really understand problems to be able to take responsibility for and finding practical solutions.

Equally so within our mind, our personal life and the interpersonal, universal world as well. As above, so below, as within, so without – it’s always a joy to share a pun and end it with fun!

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Day 359 – Doors of Hell are Open to Leave

IMG_9559

One more analogy. My last post was about Smart Contract as Self-and Relationship Agreement, today:

Self-dishonesty as Hell

There was a cool statement within one of the Lucifer episodes(TV series) I saw recently.

Lucifer walks Earth and tries to be a good guy, helps the police to find killers. Hehe, kind of a cheesy police procedural with some Gaiman’s Sandman elements played out in L.A.

Lucifer is confronted by a man, who blames him to drove him to do bad things he could never done by himself and then Lucifer says that the truth is that he never did tell or make anyone to sin and he does not decide who goes to hell, humans are being sent there by their guilt and forcing themselves to relive their own sins over and over and over again.

Furthermore he adds this as a funny part: the door is not locked, “you can leave any time you want but no one ever does that”.

If someone ‘gets there’ – although people re-live the bad, it’s often difficult to ‘leave’, even when manifested consequences pretty much paint directly to our face the fact that it’s total crap.

Guilt is an interesting approach: self-blame, self-eating, self-diminishing, self-disempowering loop, what does not lead somewhere supportive.

But what requires guilt to remain?

What I mean ‘remain‘ here is that the nature of life and existence is rolling forward moment-based. One moment comes after another and who we are within each influences who we are within the next one, but actually we are not bound to always remain the same as we are right now. And we certainly don’t, as we create and align to patterns.

Yet with how our relationship with ourselves, external conditions, others have been manifested and evolved, it’s often difficult to change our patterns. Even when the odds are obvious that we should. By no means I generalize here, usually I share about ‘me’ and not ‘we’ – but many might can relate.

Just let’s look at fear, anxiety, frustration – addiction, despair, depression – these are usually not fun, yet what compels me to go back to such self-limiting, self-compromising, self-defeating mind-states?

My own conviction, which might seem like my own guilt-based self-recreational hell actually. If I would not go back to re-rely to define things as before, if I would let that conviction go, I could – maybe – explore new ways to find solutions. But I am so convinced that the one I chose before is the best, even when obviously not, I go back to do the exact same thing again. Insanity.

It’s necessary to understand how consciousness works, how we use and hide behind our mind in order to try not to get stuck and still being lost within these systematic patterns.

Everything creates consequence, some more, some less, but what humans usually don’t tend – or not want – to realize is that even a singular thought, an attention, a reaction to that though is enough to add to some accumulation.

It’s the greatest truth, power and fact within existence – the simplest yet most important mathematical equation what creates and destroys, rules them all: 1+1=2.

Within human mind – the same exists: At each participation, it might adds only one tiny drip into a bucket, but once it fills, it has enough weight/mass to wash away practical common sense for more than moments, maybe minutes, even hours.

And during that time, what I do, think or feel – will create more reaction, accumulate more consequences, often regrettable, irreversible ones.

Then it’s really difficult looking back to see – this is what I did, – again – and not to define and accept that ‘this is who I am’. Even denial does not help, especially if it keeps happening. It’s kind of an art – to embrace the facts, yet not to define as this is who I am and thus have to remain as.

An example – if I don’t do something I want – every day – becomes a pattern. I can justify it, I can resist it, I can become frustrated; the reality is that I break out from it or not. If I break out by generating secondary reactions-energy by self-judgement, frustration, and then I am energized to change – which is then temporally and once fades, I return to the previous behavior as without the lifting/empowering energy I fall back to the original pattern. So in this sense I did not really change – what happened was that my mind needed a secondary pattern to control the primary.

Imagine many-many layers of such for dozens of dimensions and we get a picture of a human mind consciousness system’s strategy to contain a person’s life.

And what’s within is what’s without – as above so below – similarly manifested patterns, systematic if-then rule sets are driving the whole world system.
Is it enslavement by an external ruler? Might be that the system was placed to lure/trap beings into such systematic existence, but the fact is that the doors are not locked – anyone can walk out from these patterns and some do. Takes effort, but worth it.

What humans use? Words – building blocks of worlds. Polarity is merely a concept, yet based on self-interest – it’s subjective.

It’s important to understand that anything apparently ‘good’ can be twisted and used by the mind – even when we believe that we ‘fight’ for good – fight means conflict, separation, friction, energy – it’s not direct self living, it’s through the mind and to trust the mind is very-very risky. And many know that – if I fight – I might lose – thus choose to give in, give up, suppress, postpone and distract. Just this still creates: energy somehow somewhere in the mind/body. What accumulates.

The more I suppress – the more energy/conflict I create, the more emotional reaction I accumulate, and then it becomes automatic – and no matter if on the next day/week I am a new man, as all the patterns in my mind are also here – I click/react/move automatically. Can I directly change my own patterns? Some yes. Some, as I am not aware of, by default: no.

And that’s a humans personality basically, just hundreds, thousands of those patterns – and many are connected, related, and there are so many, and a lot happens even on a singular day, it’s becoming difficult to keep being aware of them all.

Especially when I am in emotional reaction, being angry, fearful – does not really help to stay on tracking reality awareness, the mind works faster, a lot of thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, associations, body energetic experiences: it’s just overwhelming – and then more and more of this happens, year after year I end up not being aware of the patterns exactly, how they connect, but in fact I am aware of them, just everything triggers and manifests so fast ‘in real time at situations’ – that I am – again – and always – so busy with the reaction what is being triggered, what I experience, what I will do next, so then I don’t look back, where this comes from.

It’s almost like as I age, constantly and quite quickly walking into experiences, imagining that I am this director of my life’s movie, meanwhile I am literally consistently falling into the next set of patterns and reactions, convictions, judgements, beliefs, thoughts, feelings and emotions animating me to move and react accordingly.

Objectively looking, even those, who somehow are manifested to go through mostly positive memories and experiences – often their life is quite preordained and so easily could be de-railed with some sort of intervention, thus although a human mind consciousness system is well-preprogrammed, yet being so fragile to change and stimulation.

Of course, there are always exceptional individuals, whose life seem so perfect, effective and extraordinary, but isn’t it also part of the trap for others, an un-achievable inspiration as that really can help to screw the mind: knowing that there is this perfect love, absolute fame, genius mind – that many comparing their life with they literally keep fighting for or giving up and not realizing that this whole system can be considered as hell.

Just like in a casino – many bet with their money and only a handful wins – yet everyone keeps fighting to be the winner, no matter the costs, because of their mindset and the survival of the fittest.

There is no real unconditional compassion, consideration, ‘humanity’, ‘love’ within the currently manifested cannibalistic capitalistic monetary/world system, just constant fight and struggle. Anyone denies it is still mesmerized by their own mind-bubble, which eventually will burst. Maybe only at death, but still. The world is an accumulated consequence, sins of our fathers, does not really matter how we call it, it’s really hell for most of us – not only humans, but animals, plants, the whole ecosystem.

The potentials are great, yet the reality is quite sad by looking at the big picture. Which is always an accumulated reflection/consequence of the individual contributions.

Why not everyone lives to their own possible best potentials and focusing on self-honesty, self-perfection, self-direction without inner conflict, without self-limiting patterns?

It’s not that difficult once one understands how the mind works, thus the education and self-learning is crucial here.

I used to study philosophies, psychology, eastern and western teachings, techniques, spirituality and many of those has some useful information, yet the most direct and fastest way to transcend self-dishonesty, thus being able to transform hell to heaven, here on earth, in the flesh is by walking a process of Self-honesty and Self-forgiveness.
Although techniques and strategies might differ from individual to another, but being honest with myself and to forgive what I have accepted and allowed to become, manifest and participate within: are universal aspects of Self as Life as who we all are, thus highly recommended to start understanding, applying and living.

EQAFE, DesteniIProcess and SelfAndLiving are the best places to start this process of realization, understanding of not only historical, theoretical but actual practical knowledge of how to understand Hell as the manifested patterns of our self-limiting mind, as Self-dishonesty to be able to give for ourselves a new opportunity, a change to grow without the time loop of self-sabotage.

Within EQAFE there are many-many topics and series, various areas of the mind, consciousness, the creation to understand, so then we becoming able to grasp what words we allowed ourselves to define us and that we can decompose those definitions and re-define in accordance of self-honesty and what’s best for all life.

Desteni I Process online courses (the first half year is free, with experienced buddy support, the others require some money as the trainers also have to live in this world) provide structured approach to learn the basic skills what are necessary to be able to investigate our own life to be able to overcome the weaknesses what have been pulling us down throughout the years and many are very personal – addictions, shyness, shame, regret, fears, phobias, unrealistic desires – it’s possible to self-heal.

Self And Living is a direct approach on focusing how to LIVE every day life, by looking at topics, such as living the words dedication, courage, points to consider about eating, sleeping, enjoying moments.

Desteni Forum to discuss with others about questions, answers and sharing in a structured way – ask your questions, answer others, socialize, share, enjoy!

Destonians.com / Journey to Life
to see what others who are sharing their insights, realizations, difficulties, solutions within blogs/vlogs.

There are a LOT more tools, groups and points are existing to start this indeed extraordinary journey to stop accepting self-limitation and start living – and any social media can/should be perfect to start sharing, asking, communicating and expanding.

Day 340 – Emotions and Self-honesty

IMG_0898After yesterdays blog, I might have opened up Pandora’s box within myself as today I was quite emotional. (Well, before yesterday)

It’s rare thing for me, most of my life I’ve lived with perfecting suppressing emotions, but I am actually stopping as proven to be not the best approach(obviously), which might mean I do find myself within reactions.

I start with clarifying – within DIP online courses emotions are the negative-related energetic experiences, such as fear, worry, jealousy, hate, sadness, etc, while feelings are the positive ones, such as happy, excitement, etc.

Neither of them is bad or good, they are simply put: tools for expression. The self-dishonesty about these is that when they come and go ‘automatically’ and I am the puppet, when I am actually giving permission to get emotional, angry, sad, ‘fall into love’ or become obsessed with happy feelings, etc.

The practical approach within learning on how to LIVE words directly(instead of being influenced, stimulated by) is to redefine my relationship and meanings in relation to self-honesty and considerations of all participants of my reality here. Example: Instead of wanting to experience joy, I answer the question of ‘How can I Live Enjoyment?’.

Thus, it is Self-movement I live, not going through experiences and reacting, bouncing, conflicting through.

So, my commitment to stop suppressing emotions is about to break the following habit:

  • I experience/see/think of something what I have judgement about, somewhat memory, association, personal involvement.
  • I react with the judgement, I feel a certain energetic experience
  • I recognize that I am moving away from ‘center’ as this emotion would start to overwhelm me
  • I suppress the emotion, just ‘swallow it’, ‘push it down’ with a single inner movement, saying ‘go away’
  • I am here, clear, kind of logical, focused, stable again

This can happen quite automatically, part of my personality, in fact pretty fast, if I am not present and aware, I do not even notice that I am doing it.

There are various layers of why this became ‘normal’ for me – but mostly because I recognized that I am quite impaired and limited, less effective and compromised to apply logic and common sense when I am overwhelmed with emotions related to fear.
Kind of a weakness as I have defined it, thus better to spend time within this kind of states the least possible.

So instead of facing the fear, understanding it’s reality-related connection, I just want it to go away, instead of solving it’s origin.

Within my ‘culture’ – also to be a ‘man’ – means not to get ‘soft’ but strong, rigid and solid all the time, and with emotions I felt more vulnerable, unpredictable and unstable, so pretty early I decided not to spend too much time within emotional states, thus suppression, as ‘swallowing’ the reaction, suffering, doubt and fear became my second nature.

What I have not realized, seen and understood before, is that each and every emotion suppressed is not going anywhere, but stays with me, accumulates and creates layers, blocks and another level of automatic personality behaviour within me, and the top of that, once reached some kind of limit, I just can’t hold it anymore, kind of exerting it out, without any direction, control or power over it, regardless of situation, company or consideration. And that is quite a problem.

So, that’s why I am walking DIP PRO course, writing this blog, applying self-forgiveness, to understand myself more and prevent suppressing, but solving problems, so no need to judge, react, go into inner thinking mode – as whenever I do so – I am not acting, because of doubt, fear, confusion, resistance, and when I do not act and move in reality, I internalize, I suppress, and that is a sign of facing a point and remaining within self-dishonesty.

Thus the responsibility point presents itself what I take and work with. The DIP course is invaluable within supporting and I have changed so much in the last couple of years and this blog and overall expansion and stability of mine is in a way already a living proof, yet it’s still a process, thus I keep walking the course and this blog as well.

Within the last years, especially since ended my last, quite hectic and conflicting partnership some years ago, these emotional states became less intense, I must say I was and am much-much more stable and present.

Within the current partnership I am, since quite some months, I am having experiences I never had before, more direct enjoyment, trust, sharing and opening up with myself and ‘my’ lady, and more and more I push myself to become vulnerable, feel more, let go of fear and distrust and be completely open. It is great and eternally grateful I am as step by step learning to live without doubt and fear, sometimes still stumbling but in overall this process is good.

So, in a nutshell, this is in relation to suppressing my emotions and years of walking this process allows me to trust, even when something not so comfortable or nice experience comes, as more and more I have a direct reference of how it is when I am physically here, and that becomes my foundation, where to I return from the storms my self-conditioned mind still sometimes creates.

Today was another of these storms I see now, and in a way I created it, but also it was flooding me at the same time.

The recent experiences I am going through also added to it and accumulated me to intensify certain emotions, which are uncertainty and sadness, loneliness and sorrow.

The main triggering point was that I have finished watching – well, through the last days, today ‘The Leftovers’ TV series. Without spoiling, it is a great show, if someone is interested in the deeper psychology of people, who had great traumas and those still influencing their lives to the point of very sad and insane moments from time to time.
The initial interest in it was not this topic for me, but ‘writer of Lost’ and ‘mystery’ and quality in overall, but through the seasons I found this profound value of the characters change and interaction.

The rhythm, the balance; the artistic expression combined with the great actors performance, the exceptional music – it was very emotional, – within each episode, well composed to have these peak moments, when I just had these tearful moments until the end of the whole season and closure, when I reached this total emptiness and sadness, sorrow and what I associated with it is the reality of each human individual’s constant and consistent exposure to traumatic experiences throughout our entire lives and how much that influences, compromises us, humans to do what could be best for all.

I had very busy months behind, each day, committed to do specific things and that gave me purpose, and looks like my commitment and consistent application soon fruits it’s result in the planned way, however today I was at the point of nothing more to do, yet the outcome is not yet fully manifested, and thus all of a sudden I feel empty, nothing moves me, but I also do not move either.

I know I should, also that I will, but what came was that I want to be in this emptiness, to see what’s still within the depths of me to face who I was, to embrace, to let go and focus to move on.

What did not happen with me since maybe a decade, I skipped hydrating today, usually I am drinking liters of water, and I was not hungry. Thus, I recognized that I am not in sync with my physical, so I fried a pre-made pizza, I ate, still was not hungry, but once started eating, I started to ‘come down’ with this emotional state.

Also chatted with my lady, did not want to share how I feel but we have trust and care, so decided to just concisely express myself and within writing it was another step assisting and supporting to see and recognize what I am experiencing and then become aware of how I have moved today with this whole time line of becoming emotional and started to step out of it. After drinking almost a litre water and still feeling thirsty, I finally recognized that I was kind of ‘out’ for a while and actually supporting my body, then resting more brought back and I was/am able to continue with more present, self-directive and considerate daily living.

I even could relate to some lsd acid trips, it was in a way similar experience, but not in the sense of effects, but the inner storm, ‘death’ and silence and exponentially(first slowly, then more and more directly) awakening.

In overall, I would say this was a long time emotion suppressing reaching it’s threshold to be triggered to need to be discharged and kind of exerting.

What was actually cool about it that I had no doubt that I get to stabilize soon, was no fear or even shame this time, and within crying I felt relief. Well, it was not actual sobbing, like I had in 2014 when after all struggles my ex girlfriend told me she would leave, then I was really crying for about a minute and then I was clear again.

This time was just crying, kind of submitting into the watched drama’s roller coaster, yet it was supporting in a way.

What I see here in this all as I could have done ‘better’ and will do in any case of similar ‘next time’ to anchor myself more to presence, to apply forgiveness WITHIN the storm, to accelerate self-stabilization.

Also I was not entirely certain to share it with my partner, as did not want to seem unstable or sad, but we are both very busy nowadays thus did not communicate much, so I felt better to share than to just stay quiet.

Let’s walk self-forgiveness to open up additional points towards practical solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress emotional experiences with which I can’t deal, control or stop influencing me to become unstable, and never realizing that suppressing means accumulating.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that with what I don’t learn to deal with in self-honesty, will keep controlling me and my life until I stand up and take responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself of what were the actual points, judgements and reactions I kept suppressing recently and thus accumulating to the point of exerting in a way what manifested in being moody, sad and worried and thus not being able to see what I participate within, or even prevent stepping into.

I forgive myself that I have not assisted and supported myself in the exact moment of ANY judgement, reaction or emotion I would manifest within myself with slowing down, re-aligning with physical presence and to be able to look at the point I am about to react to and suppress by believing that I can’t or do not have to deal with this right now, but will do later, or even thinking ‘I hope this will be solved, or my observation and suspicion would turn out to be not true’.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to exactly see the points with what I started to ‘have a relationship with’ as assumption, observation, belief and worry and first of all not solve it within myself, or if it is about to communicate with the person I am experiencing it relation to and I am clear on that I should engage communication with, then to do it in a way what is clear, concise and supportive for finding solution and agreement.

I will continue walking these points…

Day 339 – Energy: Admitting facts for Self-Change

webContinuing with the energy craving mentality decomposition

Its a great opportunity as at the moment getting really tired and this is when usually can this mentality be noticed.
It’s when I want to experience intensity, sense of movement, energetic experiences, excitement, tension and in overall kind of a ‘high’. Well, it’s not self-expression, as it is to compensate, to distract and actually entertain and self-stimulate, in a way simulate living, which I do not do and accepting myself not living with the mesmerizing energetic experiences I keep re-creating. Thus let’s change it!

I directly apply Self-forgiveness on upcoming points. At times I still see that I have conflict within, thus need to continue with the understanding.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself in relation to the energy craving mentality within my mind, which is almost literally ‘can attack’ when I am in doubt that I did not do all I could for the day or when I feel that I am feeling tired, but I feel that I should do more today.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that it’s not about ‘today’ what I did – as obviously if I make ‘today’ longer, then ‘tomorrow’ must become shorter as I can’t cheat time, and meaning I try to use the unit of time to compensate with the already obvious, yet not self-admitted realization that I feel as I did not do all I could, but I want to, I should to and in a way I also would do, yet feeling tired, exhausted, thus I want to feel energetic, thus I should feel the need to stimulate myself to literally ‘generate’ energy within my mind by specific patterns to participate within just to feel the day longer and within that not realizing that the fear, as it’s source is actually in the center of it all, which actually sabotages direct and effective application for the things I fear not progressing with.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that there is a mind-trick I apply with myself all the time, which is that I slice up time and creating ‘progressing’ moments and ‘let go’ or ‘give in’ moments and within this system I am not in direction and it’s basically similar construct to the spiritual/divine moments which then prioritizes moments, and when participating within the ‘not focused, self-directive’ moments, at the same time accumulating frustration and inner conflict of ‘not doing enough’, which then wanting to compensate once it’s reached a threshold, or the end of the day is coming at night, when being tired and sleepy.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am not realizing the practical common sense and the direct solution to my re-creational self-sabotaging frustration and feeling of ‘not doing enough’ experiences, which is to not give in to the ‘give up’ moments to participate, and not create judgements, frustrations in the first place, yet to be honest with myself within self-direction to see what are my needs and wants within absolute, brutal self-honesty, and if I would see needing entertainment for example, just give it to myself within my own direction, not as ‘give into’ by suppression, desire and fear of missing out, then falling into it and then losing discipline and direction.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the simple solution for my energy addiction is to be honest with myself of what I want or need, desire or strive for and then to check each and every single one of these with common sense and to see which is supportive, which I can ‘afford’ in terms of prioritizing my time and resources, effort and participation and then if it’s applicable, to ‘give’ it to myself, or if its not supportive/doable at the moment, then to decide to postpone – or if it’s not supportive at all or doable, then to let it go, forgive and focus on directly working to really let it go actively until I am clear, here, present without temptation or desire, suppression or fear(of missing out).
  • Basically be practical and structured, organized and considerate.

There are not many ‘things’ what I can fall into with suppression but in overall the reason is a self-identification, self-perfection-related self-image superimposed to who I am currently – thus there is a ‘rift’ between actual and with what I deal through my mind of myself.

Sounds creepy, although it’s a typical human thing, to not clearly see who we exactly are, but with some pink or even grey glasses so to speak, so the first step is to see actual facts and thus becoming able to work with those to align and unify all of self here through decomposing and forgiving, re-defining and re-aligning the words with I perceive, experience, express and live in the physical.

For instance if I look at honestly – I can judge myself on ‘watching TV series‘ – it can take a lot of time, it’s just entertainment, while sometimes I can do other things, but if it’s interesting I just watch – and if not interesting, I do not watch actually, so it’s time consuming – if my priorities do not progress as should, I can feel ‘uncool’ about it.

Justifications and excuses also can and should be investigated and dealt with – such as ‘I had hard working day, let’s relax’, ‘I am too tired to do anything constructive’ or ‘It’s so interesting story, relates to my life’, ‘Just one episode, or while I eat, or do this or that’…etc – it’s OK to do do it, but if I feel not good about it – I create problem within about it. And if I just let it go and ‘give in’ – and just watch without worry of other things do not progress because of this – then I might feel bad about those anyway – so no escape from self actually, not for long anyway…thus better to get clear on this…

Well, its often so subtle – ‘uncool’ – see, not as ‘bad’ – just not so cool – as there is suppression – I have this judgement, negative emotion, instant suppression – all in a split second – and then I am ‘clear’ – but it happened, it accumulates somewhere and doing it enough times and it grows to the point of not so suppressed, but as an issue.
Then all of the tiny emotional suppression altogether stand up and say HELLO – and then I can’t ignore it, well, I can’t even do anything else as I just feel that I have this tidal wave awakening within me and I have to deal with it, and man, that’s tiresome and time consuming – and then I am exhausted, spent time with: not with priority, and then dealing with my inner waves, and the (to)day comes to it’s end and I am tired, yet did not progress with things as I wanted to, and that’s the point and inner conflict of what I write about to recognize, decompose, forgive and prevent.

I mean, when hearing stories about ‘extremely effective/successful men and their actions in the world’ – they might have had similar problems but could overcome and become one whole expression to do what they committed to do, thus become very effective with – it’s not impossible, just needs structure, self-honesty, motivation, direction and self-supporting tools and apply it, one step at a time to become unified within to be able to do what one really wants. Would I also want to become this ‘very effective/successful? I do not accept self-limitations and committed to find out my utmost potential, which means to keep exploring, understanding, growing!

Well, as I mentioned, the only way is to roll up my sleeves so to speak and get into the specific details to the utmost. Here meaning of what exact topics, points I judge myself as wanting to be different than I am actually – or within that want, actually seeing myself differently as I am – here the ‘fake it until make it’ does not work, thus better to change directly than to pretend, and it starts with admitting flaws, dishonesty, mistakes.

Just a short story – my father had drinking problems and later mental health issues too – but he kept avoiding to admit these, so he was ignoring facts until grew up on him to the extent of literally losing himself and his life with the overwhelming experiences of the accumulated things he never took responsibility for.

Thus, to admit problems – is although difficult, uncomfortable, can be even shameful for a moment, yes, but necessary to align with reality, and in fact can assist and support to realize the extent of self-dishonesty and self-compromise I allow myself to live within, and thus to really decide and stand up to change.

And ‘watching series‘ is just one example – although the things I experience are complex, as can relate to to my human interpersonal relationships, difficulties to be dealt with in family, at work, career, daily things, sexual desire or suppression, bully, any doubt, distrust, to see how the world is and face sadness, shame, or in overall questioning direction of my life, or financial, money points to face – each to deal with, while not get exhausted, overwhelmed, thus to balance it out with staying healthy, effective and growing, live with enjoyment, enthusiasm and innocent yet responsible and be open and able to share insights, support – it’s an art, but the key to it all is to learn and live being honest with myself, as if this one point I ever miss, then I actually can miss ‘myself’ within it all, which then start manifesting ‘glitches’, ‘reactions’, ‘frustrations’, ‘self-judgement’, ‘frustrations’, then manifesting worries, fears, then desires, etc…

One breath at a time to walk through points – and although there are many dimensions, take one thread, which bothers the most, and walk it through – and probably open another dimensions, insights, but I keep disciplined on walking this through – and if necessary, I hold this point – and clear out another what is necessary, and once that is clear, I understand myself on why and how I do what is not supportive, then I forgive, and move on with the initial point. Sounds simple. That’s why writing is key – not just thinking through, but to walk a point, word by word, the thread of Ariadne – of sanity, self-honesty and self-direction is writing here to see the patterns as I unfold with being honest with myself until all the maze of my consciousness is mapped and I see the pattern, the way in and out and I change the maze to be direct and simple, yet supporting and effective.

So, one step ‘closer’ to see directly the patterns with I create these energy craving spirals within what are getting more and more rare, less and less intense, but still way to understand, decompose, forgive and prevent myself participating, and it also entails on how to live what I not yet, but I could and actually wanting to.

AWESOME support on this and another topics at EQAFE: https://eqafe.com/

Day 293 – Driving self-correction reflection

img_4874Yesterday I wrote about going into reactions and losing presence, thus not breathing effectively, ‘properly’ within awareness here while driving and brought up the most relevant patterns I encounter on the road.

I was bringing up a lot of situations wherein I find it more common sense to not to react, not to take personally, not to lose direction and effective driving.

Today I was looking at what is changed in relation to driving since I wrote that yesterday, to further specify and accumulate the change I work on within myself.

In the morning I had at least three times when I was seeing that I would go into reaction, like ‘come on guys, go faster now’ or ‘what the hell you are doing?’ when some other driver does an unusual, illegal or even dangerous move on the road. Also something I’ve noticed is that there is a computer game I’ve played recently, a shooter, wherein I fight hordes of demons and when they injure you, the character I control shouts like ‘Motherf**ker!’ with a specific, angry, hurt tone and it was quite automatic that I said that word once today in relation to a car’s move in front of me. Well it’s kind of funny, nothing serious, but I see that this is related to judgement to that person, and behind that it’s a judgement within myself towards something I did not want to see then: that what the person did surprised me, did not like for some reason I also was not aware of, such as feeling like I have to slow down, I have to avert his car for instance.

Well, it’s nothing serious here, but when going upwards on a big hill, I have to slow down, shift down, use the clutch, the brake, the gearshift, maybe not just once, but 2-3 times, then also involving e-brake(handbrake). Well, it’s quite natural movement to do so, I do not need to think about it to execute it, so it should not be problem, but at times still being annoyed by.

Also I drive a diesel car, which warms up a bit slower than a petrol one; thus often, in the mornings, when I climb up the hill in the city through heavy traffic, I should be gentle with the engine until it’s warmed up properly, but sometimes it feels like all these stops and starts while maintaining the fluidity of the traffic, it’s just sometimes seems uncool to the car too.

Well, probably it’s not a huge problem, but in an ideal world, sometimes I’d be more gentle with the car until it’s totally warmed up engine-wise.

Also, there is this expectation that as I leave home quite late, there should be no heavy traffic anymore, but sometimes is, there can be an accident, roadwork, some really slow vehicles, indeed an old and/or slow dude/dudette is driving at front,  whatever; so all of these can still feel like influencing my direction by giving into judgments and reactions, which I see necessary to further specify, stop, forgive and transcend. Just a note to self.

Again: nothing serious, probably I could be perceived as already/still below than an average/most of the car driver human’s reaction, but here we deal with self-honesty and self-perfection in terms of decomposing, stopping and transcending all the patterns of self-dishonesty and self-limitation, so let’s keep specifying.

Backwards, at night, when I drove home, I had a passenger, and when I was talking with him, some of my attention was ‘with him’ and I did not judge that much about the road conditions, rather was observing the situation and handling accordingly.

I also have to share that there were also several times when I was able to become aware of this pattern of going into judgement and I was able to say ‘NO’ and re-align immediately to focus to driving itself without going into judgement and reaction.

Well, I could go into much-much more details on what is happening on my daily driving, such as there is only one lane on most of the mountain road part and there are buses and it’s kind of obligatory to support the bus to come out from it’s stop and that also means I have to slow down, even stop sometimes, and then follow the slow bus behind for a while and just this, predictable, all the time happening re-occurring event what can bring up in terms of me reacting to this and and other drivers behavior.

Or even there are some tight time-windows from specific green lights to be able to go through another before getting the red light, and some of those red lights are quite long, like 1-2 minutes too, and if those add together, I can literally get to my destination 8-15 minutes later. This itself does not justify to speed, but certainly adds to the actual practical knowledge of when to push the gas a bit harder and when it’s completely useless. And even prior to this knowledge, not to be overconfident and expect the best outcome and then get frustrated when it does not play out like that.

I go into details to just demonstrate that specificity matters and within any every day re-occurring event, activity or interaction within the ‘system’ one can use it as an opportunity to get to know thyself further, to discover self-limitation, self-dishonesty and to find their reasons, how those are being re-and recreated at what trigger points to empower oneself to be able to stop those patterns. There is no such moment when one should waste not to apply self-honesty, or if still existing such perception/belief, that should be also investigated and stopped with the same tools applied here.

It does not need to be perceived as completely wasted times, when for instance getting that 2 minutes red light, and just because there was a slow truck carrying glass windows that I should become frustrated. It’s actually quite silly and foolish, especially if this happens every day, all the time. I can go through all my presence, mind, body, beingness in that 1-2 minutes, to see if there is built up tension, pressure, thought-pattern, worry, desire, and I can enjoy breathing and re-aligning with real self here in physical reality.

And another point I want to bring up – is that often the source, origin of ‘moody’ behavior is not even regards to driving and traffic exclusively, but also what’s influencing me in that morning, like what thoughts, problems, emotions I experience and why.

For instance I will have a random amount of bill soon and if I go into worry of not being able to pay for it and at the same time to afford to buy firewood for the winter, to pay for dentist, to buy enough food and also to travel to family and support them and in the meantime considering everything and to be also become frustrated by each and accumulating that during a simple morning shower – well, it’s also not unusual for an ordinary human to get ‘worked up’ before even getting dressed or sitting into the car, stepping up to the bus, arriving at work, etc.

That’s why it’s essential to invest time and effort to work with our mind, our thoughts, reactions, patterns, personality manifestations + at the same time to develop body and physical presence awareness, real intimacy with being here, ‘bodywork’, giving the time and space to slow down within and to find little moments of pure self-expression without any fear or desire, past or future.

I also could already move ahead with another point and leaving this driving point behind by stating, well, I’ve wrote stuff about it, became aware of quite several patterns of it, I am DONE, NEXT.

It’s also quite supporting to stick to a point and walk it through until it’s really-really owned, meaning I am clear, directive, nothing moves me, I am here, this is who I am.

Well, it’s a process in terms of driving, but I just commit here to continue investigating, decomposing, correcting, forgiving myself until I am naturally present without any reaction. I do not know when that would occur, maybe never, but it does not matter, this is what’s here today, that’s where I am directing myself towards: to discover more patterns, to stop I am already being aware of and keep expressing, exploring, sharing and living.

One last point – reflecting back to the apparently less related point of ‘motherf**ker’ remark I did – this also can open up a whole lot of dimensions of self-identification, like ‘what’s cool’ and why seems to be cool and awesome to curse, what it feels like, what I experience gaining, but when walking a point, a dimension, a pattern, most of the time overlapping, another points will come up and although it’s great to note them, but not to be distracted by, jumped over – except when it seems common sense to open up, and work through that aspect first in order to continue working through the current point I walk through.

The ‘everything is interconnected’ is never a worn-out phrase here – if I ‘work’ on driving, it does not mean I would not get, develop, manifest, substantiate insights, realizations, practical and effective self-correction ‘spreading’ to another aspects of my life. Patience is a decision, which can accumulate into self-trust, self-direction, discipline, what obviously can be applied at all aspects of life. That’s why it’s also common sense to walk through a point really, because often cannot be foreseen what benefits I might manifest, until I really am clear of any reactions in regarding to that point/aspect/scenario.

Again – that’s why writing is extremely supportive here – written word remains, I do not think about it, so my head can become clear, and it’s in front of me, and remains so, therefore I can return to it, continue with it, this is really awesome.

Thanks, enjoy, bye

Day 275 – Suppression to stop

IMG_3827The EQAFE series of Quantum Physical provides exceptional support by looking at the physical manifestation of the self-acceptance and
mind-personalities on the human face.

These interviews are supporting with the point of SUPPRESSION:

https://eqafe.com/p/suppression-eyes-quantum-physical
https://eqafe.com/p/suppression-jawline-chin-quantum-physical
https://eqafe.com/p/suppression-weight-and-puffiness-quantum-physical
https://eqafe.com/p/suppression-self-conscious-quantum-physical

Throughout my life I’ve been working on this point as I have the tendency to swallow and suppress experiences, energetic states, judgments, emotions and basically any kind of points within myself I did not want or could not face, take responsibility for or acknowledge the need for change, justified by various excuses and justifications.

Today the tendency of suppression within me is like 1/100th of what I used to participate within, but still existing, can undermine self-trust and stability, thus it’s something I take responsibility for and work on it actively until it’s gone.

I am going to open up this point slowly as first allowing myself to freely write about suppression, some memories from my past to bring up and then will focus to physical aspect of the act of suppression, what do I feel, experience and see within myself, what are the signs within/on my body when I participate within the mind-patterns of suppression to support myself to prevent participating within it.

It’s not that I consciously want to suppress anything – there were times when I used to, but those times has passed and with walking Process since a while, having the Desteni group as support platform to share and ask, with the exceptionally mindblowing material provided by EQAFE, and the awesome Self-empowering online course of Desteni I Process and it’s buddy support; I am more than ready to face anything within me to take responsibility for, so let’s walk.

Any time you, the reader feeling like can relate, would have something to add or suggest, don’t be shy, that’s why we walk our process openly, so then we can multiply realization and assist each other by cross-referencing the practical knowledge of understanding, correcting and re-defining ourself for good.

Throughout my life of more than 36 years, I’ve never seen any pattern, thought-construct, emotional state, conviction, belief or judgement within myself what I could not open up, decompose and fully understand if I would take the decision, commitment and actual physical time and effort to open up, investigate, word it, write down and understand, thus I am certain that human nature as it is today can be changed, thus humanity as a group of individuals also can be changed with actual, self-honest action, and that’s what I am doing here, starting here, with what I have authority and power over: myself here.

I’ve seen so many people around Desteni to change, to let go their shame, shyness, guilt and powerlessness and emerge as stable, responsible and shining individuals, who’ve became active part of society and actually making a difference with principled living.

I understand that many people have problem with ‘Principle’ as I’ve been there too, but here I am, I am accumulating efforts to consistently live by the principle of self-honesty, self-forgiveness and physical birthing myself as responsible for all as equal as one as myself.

Suppression, as it is, a self-protection mechanism, which, within it’s flawed nature, still reflects back self-acceptance as who I allow myself to be.

There are several physical symptoms, I’ve experienced during my life what indicated, and still today, sometimes coming back saying ‘Hello, I am still here!’ Just to list some up, for instance I had ulcer within my stomach, as I was digesting up myself to the point of self-destruction and for a while that sickness really got me a literal taste of personal hell. At these moments, the digesting acid feels like coming up even to the point of my throat, which was biting the whole swallow area, and literally feeling like ‘acidic’ experience, which was quite uncomfortable. Since I’ve visited Desteni Farm and talked with Resonances through the Portal, I’ve got direct support to recognise this before really happening, so when I allow the mind to really grow on me and going into judgement, emotions, suppressions, to recognise and then let it go and stabilize myself, but I never fully applied decomposition, self-forgiveness and real change to the full extent, so this is also a point to look at here.

Also sometimes I can have the tendency to chew my mouth from within, which seems weird, but somehow when being in stress, tension or exhaustion, this feels like giving some energy, but actually I was again: eating myself up within by constant self-judgement, shame and guilt, literally manifesting it as eating my own flesh up to the point of having little scars in my mouth. The interesting point within that was that once there was some ‘flaw’ in the flesh within, it seemed easier to just continue eating myself and always re-starting before the flesh healing it. Well, this was never extreme, so never had ‘problems’ from it, but within self-honesty, this has never was really stopped.

When I was kid, I used be really a daydreamer, constant thinker, I felt like with the thoughts I actually could virtualise all possible scenarios before any action and think everything through, like ‘simulations’ to run and then what I felt the best, after seeing what to I react the most positive way, I heavily relied to my mind-personality to tell me what to do. This made me awkwardly slow within action and extremely limited within actual communication with others, especially with those, who I really wanted the best to happen with, such as women, or initiative, powerful people.
I was thin, really white skinned boy and among the physically more developed, brown-skinned others, who were much more ‘physical’ and strong, I felt that my only chance is to be really smart, to use my mind, my logic, my ‘processing power’, which I did, and many times it really worked, and gave me the ability to figure out things and also make things more efficiently, but many times really made things much worse, because if worry or fear influenced my reactions or reasoning, I twisted my perception and judgements based on emotions, which I really not like. That’s why I started to develop suppression. In a split second, there is reaction, emotion, vast amount of energy, what was ready to influence my pure, clinical logic of assessing with precision, so then I suppressed it. Like a superhero thing, there is this scar, a bullet hit me, and in the moment feel it, but in the next, I am ‘whole’ again. That I liked, but did not realize that what I suppress, accumulates, and when it’s full within me, then it’s energy, the whole thing comes alive and takes over, I am kind of possessed so to speak and then do stupid things, feeling like being in a rage and wanting to destruct all structure within me – and even sometimes I did hurt others too, luckily not much, but those times I was really ashamed, so then I’ve learnt to use that for energizing the mind with shame to suppress even more to try to ‘perfectly endure’ everything, what would make me unstable or would lose the logical mind.

This made me a great fighter, but only within myself, having enormous battles for control, stability and accepted as my nature – if something can really win an energetic, emotional war within me, then I identified myself with it and even if meanwhile I was unstable on all levels, I stuck with it as felt like this is life, this is who I am and this means to really be alive, but this took me to some really-really unpleasant situations and places on earth, where I had to reconsider that this is not the way I want to live.

Since walking Process, I’ve realized that I do not need to fight, or even resist things as no matter what I learn, reveal, understand or discover within me, I can change, I can change that aspect of myself, so no need to judge myself, no need to fear facing anything, but committing myself to change, finding practical ways to accumulate effort to manifest that change. The very words I think, feel and act are really important to investigate, what do I mean by ‘that’, what do I associate by ‘this’ and where do I see fear, resistance, desire, where I go into emotional reaction and instead of suppression, what can I do to embrace, stop and re-align myself with more direct, self-trusting and self-honest living.

For introduction, this is enough, I will continue more details on suppression to see it from different angles.

In the meantime I really suggest to utilize EQAFE interviews for more understanding on human mind-behavior as it is imperative to take responsibility for our actions and inabilities for the proper actions. Even the price of an interview seems like a lot, within UK, it’s the price of a pack of cigarettes, and also by paying that, one can support the creators of EQAFE, who are dedicated their life relentlessly to record and share as much as possible support. So, for me, those coins really worth the price. And there are many-many hours length of audio books there, which are free, for instance every series/categories are up there, the first 5 is always free.

Equal Life Foundation has many platforms for Education, many are free and providing professional self-support, life-coaching, which seems as fancy, but in fact it’s a million times evolved version of any spiritual/religious/psychological studies I’ve ever found on Earth, so before you judge, give it a try, it’s totally free:http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Thanks, enjoy, bye