Day 366 – Shame and change

P1010099-2Recently I’ve re-read an article from Creation’s Journey to Life, about SHAME.

It’s a tough topic, more than many realize, but I completely agree with Bernard Poolman – well, in 2008, actually his words were the wake up call to me to recognize it deep enough to start changing. From time to time I return to check my relationship with the word and experience of SHAME.

At some points what I have realized about shame is that with it’s “improper use”, I can allow to completely sabotage all of my self-trust within each and every single aspect of my life, thus in general it’s pretty obvious that does not worth it all.

In a way this reveals that me and my mind’s relationship still works as the pattern called ‘positivity’ – when focusing to good, feeling good experiences, and try to avoid, deny, suppress or get distracted from all the negative.

It works, until I can indeed avoid the negative, then all and everything is positive. But it’s enough one ‘negative’ thing to ruin all the positive world, thus revealing that all those experiences were not real and substantial, but it was a mind-creation.
If anyone fears or rejects any negative by default, it should be pretty obvious that they are still controlled by what they define as negative, just not directly, but indirectly – which often pairs with lack of responsibility and awareness – ignorance is bliss, until one can ‘buy’ that bliss, by money, by disregarding a burning world, extinction and suffering, etc.

So in this sense, for me the shame experience was and sometimes still can be a point of invalidating all my positive experiences all of a sudden, and then I realize that what I prioritized was only a mind state, not real, thus the shame actually can reveal points taking responsibility for.

It could be a nice wordplay, by saying – it’s a shame that I need shame to not get lost within self-interest, but it’s a bit more complex than that.
Not that much advantage I can bring up in regarding to keep experiencing shame, just to clarify – not having shame ever can be kind of shameful in itself by looking the state of the world and ourselves and of course, it’s no one’s fault, but at the same time it is everyone’s fault.

My own personality is a programming what can make me vulnerable to shame, but when paired with an insanely surrealistic perfectionism, it’s not that difficult to find flaws within myself what would trigger shame.

Within shame itself, there is nothing wrong at all, it’s a feedback, just when I get too overwhelmed and petrified by the emotional shitstorm I create with down-shaming myself – that’s not good, because it’s not about the thing, the decision, the action and consequence I was ashamed of anymore, but the self-punishment, the self-wallowing into emotional down-spiral itself, which is not supportive at all – does not feel great and also sabotages the best practical solution to focus to.

My own history with shame

When I was a teen, I could be ashamed so easily, if I was unable to talk properly to a lady when she asked something for instance, because I was so nervous of so many fears and overwhelming ideas and desires in my head.

There were times when I was ashamed of my family, being not that snob and rich but vulgar and poor, ashamed my poor Chinese clothes and shoes(back in the days it meant worst and cheapest quality, what basically fell apart after short period of time), because that was what my family – my single mom could afford and I was afraid of being ridiculed.

Another shame of mine was when I used to masturbate a lot, using sex tapes and magazines, and then later, when talked with girls, my face turned to red, I was anxious and in a way ashamed that I could not do what I saw in the videos, as in a way, in my mind I was objectifying women, as only that I believed I could do, to do sex in my mind, but not with real ladies – not because I was incapable, but I was so nervous, so then I did not even realize when girls really wanted to be with me all ways possible, because I was just busy with my fears and desires – so then I was ashamed for that.

Or another example, when I was kid and my dog did bite my leg, not seriously, I did hit him with a big stick and I was ashamed of myself for a long time as I knew that it was wrong.

Or once much much later, I did cause physical pain to my girlfriend once because I was frustrated and exerted it on her – I was really ashamed and afraid and hated myself for that for a while.

So shame is kind of a moral balance seemed to be in my life, so I would not turn out to be a selfish evil sociopath, or at least I tried to justify to accept it when overwhelmed me so much.

Just did not realize a couple of things back then, what could assist and support me to change from focusing to negative emotions and rage against myself towards understanding why things happened and to actively do things to prevent making those mistakes again and do things right, or at least really better.

And often shame is the thing what people do not want to experience, but so easily can try to trigger or want others to experience, “those crooked politicians”, “the rapist”, “the mass murderer”, “the exploiting capitalist”, or even parents to their children “shame on you little boy”, etc…

But as within everything in this world – all what’s relevant starts with self here, thus to see all the things in the world, and to reflect them back to self, and ask the question: “How I am responsible and dishonest in regarding to shame?”

I mean, I can do the same mistakes forever in my life until I die and then constantly be ashamed of that, of myself, and then distract myself from it, get over it, suppress it, and then as not feeling the shame anymore, doing the mistakes again!

So if only the negative emotion of shame keeps me making mistakes, that’s not really practical, because then I am conditioned to do or not do something according to if having the proper emotional state – not to mention, shame might not be the most enjoyable ‘proper’ way to guide/live all the time.

So to see what shame is, within me, what could be, what would I do if I would be ashamed, or would not be anything in my life to be ashamed of – even a tiny point, like a secret thought of something what if others would know, I would be ashamed of – those apparently insignificant moments are great stepping stones of change if taken responsibility for.

Because if a point seems small or insignificant, I can progress with realizing, really facing, understanding it easier – but if I think about a point within me as ‘this is the greatest challenge of my life, impossible’ – then I attach definitions, reactions to the point, which then also make it more difficult to see what a point actually is within it’s nature: relationship with words in a self-dishonest pattern.

In this sense, Process of Self-realization – which is just a word for saying to be able to live totally transparently while not having ANYTHING what I could be ashamed of within self-honesty, ever – then that would be a cool reference of what it means to realize who I am.

Unless, I identify and define myself as who I am as the manifestation of shame itself.

But still then – I can ask – why – how – and for what I do that…

Maybe, because I have this computer programmer mind, I can, if I really want – decompose any pattern, structure, and if that’s being learned on how to do with my own mind, body, beingness and expression, that’s really great for…let’s name it as ‘optimization’ – to be more optimally aligned with reality and facts, best solutions for all participants in the system.

Not today’s topic, but why consider all participants must be the only best solution is in itself can hide a cool realization for those who do not (want to) realize the practical common sense of remain focused to live according to what’s best for all.

I even would say – it’s a shame if I would not have realized this in my lifetime, and of course, ‘realized’, if appears only within thought and word, but not in action, then it’s certainly not really real, yet – but this is a great challenge.

When I was reading this sentence at Desteni Forum:

“each and every single human being is equally responsible for the current manifestation of earth”

When I really opened all of my beingness to this sentence to really get in,

there was a cry and shame as well, because first in my life, I was about 28, understood what real shame is, in direct experience.
Not, because of anybody else, but simply allowed myself to open up to grasp how the world is, how I used to live thus far and how much I was only considering my own interest.

Many could argue that self-interest is good, because if I do not care about myself, maybe noone will, thus I could die, but as with everything, this should be balanced in consideration to my environment, especially by admitting the fact that every other human is kind of the same as me, as any attempt to claim that I could be superior or better – or worse – that anybody else, that would be just indeed an attempt to protect something within me what I value more than facts, even when it’s not real.

That’s the art of illusion of freedom – to be able to value anything and if one is not throughout with decomposing and questioning our own mind-movement, we can end up to value things what are so unreal that influences, limits, sabotages our ability to cope with actual facts of reality, thus causing conflict, problem and often suffering.

I also had shame when I tapped into an addiction recognition within myself, but only when I did not stop doing it – in a way I know that it’s an energetic high I escape into – but still doing it – and that’s kind of shameful for me. Because I diminish who I am as potential, which is to get over this limitation.

The so called vicious cycle is when I feel bad because of the addiction, even shameful, and then by doing it I feel good and high again, but once stopped doing it, I feel again low/bad/shameful, thus seems like I should continue towards feel good, to avoid shame.

Thus, to be able to really be shameful, it means to really fed up with what I have accepted and allowed(within me and/or in the world) and wanting to change.

That’s why commitment and principled living is a great support within establishing integrity – even mistakes can be transformed into self-trust if learning from them.

Until shame does not mean I transition into change – it’s not real shame, it’s just self-manipulation, because of being aware of still accepting self-sabotage.

In this sense – it’s often preferred to avoid to feel real shame, because that would be uncomfortable, because it would not go away, until I change.

Thus, to justify, to have excuses, to avoid, distract, suppress, blame and project responsibility is often chosen to not experience shame, and it’s indeed, it’s real shame, because it can really support with standing up and change, if it’s not being abused to wallow into a cycle of self-punishing emotions and relapsing into distraction/denial without realizing and changing.

Support I will expand with and suggest others to do as well in regards to SHAME:


Day 337 – Transform Shame into Change

img_1063Sharing Shame. Interesting concept, not the most common topic to share about, but it holds the key for self-Change.

I made a VLOG about shame recently, although it was a bit dark, but voice is clear.

Openly face Shame and to see how I can take responsibility for by understanding the details of my mindset, personalities, thoughts, feelings and emotions to be able to Forgive and Prevent myself to repeating the same mistakes – thus practically Change and stop be ashamed for what I am aware of as not self-honest, neither supporting me and/or others.

Everyone who has ever felt shame for anything should take responsibility for and own it, not suppress, hide or even being ashamed of shame.

I walk Self-forgiveness on what I have been, used to be and still can be ashamed of.

I open up not just that ‘I don’t like it, I don’t want it‘ – but to see how and why I did what then I felt ashamed of. The context, the starting point, the pattern is relevant here, the relationships and the self-definitions as well.
Equally so the thoughts(backchat, inner dialogue), feelings(positive reactions), emotions(negative reactions) – what supports deeper understanding, thus better practical, specific awareness of the whole story, which I can re-visit, write down, slow down within and cross-reference with common sense, self-honesty to be able to see/realize and understand, what I can and should do differently next time to assist and support myself and others around me.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of things, and then to accept that shame as a package, a part of me, and creating a victim role within it as the following: I’ve done this, did not do that, experienced and felt like this or that, and thus now I feel bad about it, I am ashamed, and it’s done already, nothing to do about it, it’s fact, written to reality, and I feel that this can’t change, thus it’s a splinter in my mind from now on.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse shame as not living the words but manipulating myself with them to have an excuse and justification of why not need to change, expand, understand and grow, because of what I have done already and how I feel ashamed about those, as it’s unchangeable as in the past and I am already in the future/present.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be ashamed when I should be, and be ashamed when I should not be and in overall simply not being aware of when I should be how.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within writing out ‘when I should be ashamed’ to react with doubt and judgement, thinking of ‘sounds not cool/supportive’ to consider when I should be ashamed, like it must be wrong to feel shame, as doing it when I have done something bad, therefore the idea of ‘should be ashamed’ I allowed the tendency to not look at, disregard, suppress.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within denying, disregarding, suppressing my relationship with shame, I am denying a part of myself, which then I try to disconnect with, thus I am giving away understanding, power and self.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the simple message of shame within myself, which is the need for changing myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized on how to assist and support myself within embracing shame to see what I need to change within myself and how to do it exactly within practical, tangible plan and action.
  • I forgive myself that I have not been able to directly see behind my own shame, because then I would see/realize/understand that I need to change, to change who I am, to walk into uncomfortable things I have allowed to manifest, to feel it, to face myself, to embrace and stop and then to apply the movement, the direction, the action I need to take to change myself, step by step, waking into the unknown, which can seem scary and as losing what I have.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within walking into unknown and change I keep focusing on what I can lose, instead of directly seeing what I am losing by not moving and changing, and also on how I could grow with this change, which as it is realized already: unknown.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist change by facing unknown, which I believe that can be bad, thus rather risking to accept how and who I am today, which I already realized it’s not ‘ideal’ or supportive, self-honest – and also it is what I am ashamed of — thus, risking not to change, not to move, not to explore of what is beyond my shame and dishonesty in order to protect of what I perceive having.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within resisting to change, having excuses and justifications to try to preserve and hold onto what I perceive having, while not realizing that what I seem to have are memories, personality patterns, physical objects, and from any of those I can not realize my utmost potential, although I understand that these can be of great support, I only expand when I take the leap of faith, faith within my self honesty and direct action.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist with shame in a relationship what I’ve also defined as shameful, meaning to have shame is reason to have shame, and not realizing that shame is just a word, and it’s meaning what animates people, thus if I re-define it, I can support myself to be better, self-honest and supportive for myself and others equally.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the support and power within decomposing meaning and patterns of words and then to re-align myself with re-defining those words with principle, self-honesty and integrity and committing myself to live that word in the way I decide to.

Shame – redefinition: when and as I feel and experience shame, I realize that there is a point within me what I am actually aware of as I am seeing that this is not self-honest, not honoring myself and others with, and I do not like it, I feel that I should be/act differently about it, thus I see the common sense to CHANGE myself, to INVESTIGATE, to REALIZE the points, the context, the reaction, the starting point about and around this word ‘shame’ and to work on preventing myself to ‘need to feel’ shame.

Example: I was ashamed that once I did beat up my dog, when I was kid and I felt like I could never forgive myself for what I have done, initiated by feeling hurt and being angry, I lost my presence and for decades I was ashamed of this, until I found is a serious course, with lot of work on self, but thus the result can also be profound, I really recommend it, I walk these courses since years and the change, stability, and increasing self-trust, self-direction is extraordinary) and it’s free, introductory course LITE and realized that I can forgive myself, I can stop being ashamed by:

I understand why I did what I did within it’s utmost specificity(how and why I was frustrated, bullied, abused as kid, felt powerless, insecure, etc)
How and why I will assist and support myself within similar situation to prevent myself to ‘lose myself’ and also to immediately become aware of what consequence I am about to manifest and realizing – ‘I’ve been there, it’s bad, I don’t go, I STOP’.
I commit myself to really not do it again, and if I am losing myself, having temptation to, fall back, etc – then I apply Self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-corrective statements and actually living it in action.

The same is to apply any kind of things one can be ashamed of: addiction, fear, body shape or actions one did in the past, etc.

Thus realize – shame is not bad, only becomes embarrassingly unbearable, if one remains within it – becomes it, instead of seeing what it is showing, a potential of self-honesty in physical living.