Recently I’ve re-read an article from Creation’s Journey to Life, about SHAME.
It’s a tough topic, more than many realize, but I completely agree with Bernard Poolman – well, in 2008, actually his words were the wake up call to me to recognize it deep enough to start changing. From time to time I return to check my relationship with the word and experience of SHAME.
At some points what I have realized about shame is that with it’s “improper use”, I can allow to completely sabotage all of my self-trust within each and every single aspect of my life, thus in general it’s pretty obvious that does not worth it all.
In a way this reveals that me and my mind’s relationship still works as the pattern called ‘positivity’ – when focusing to good, feeling good experiences, and try to avoid, deny, suppress or get distracted from all the negative.
It works, until I can indeed avoid the negative, then all and everything is positive. But it’s enough one ‘negative’ thing to ruin all the positive world, thus revealing that all those experiences were not real and substantial, but it was a mind-creation.
If anyone fears or rejects any negative by default, it should be pretty obvious that they are still controlled by what they define as negative, just not directly, but indirectly – which often pairs with lack of responsibility and awareness – ignorance is bliss, until one can ‘buy’ that bliss, by money, by disregarding a burning world, extinction and suffering, etc.
So in this sense, for me the shame experience was and sometimes still can be a point of invalidating all my positive experiences all of a sudden, and then I realize that what I prioritized was only a mind state, not real, thus the shame actually can reveal points taking responsibility for.
It could be a nice wordplay, by saying – it’s a shame that I need shame to not get lost within self-interest, but it’s a bit more complex than that.
Not that much advantage I can bring up in regarding to keep experiencing shame, just to clarify – not having shame ever can be kind of shameful in itself by looking the state of the world and ourselves and of course, it’s no one’s fault, but at the same time it is everyone’s fault.
My own personality is a programming what can make me vulnerable to shame, but when paired with an insanely surrealistic perfectionism, it’s not that difficult to find flaws within myself what would trigger shame.
Within shame itself, there is nothing wrong at all, it’s a feedback, just when I get too overwhelmed and petrified by the emotional shitstorm I create with down-shaming myself – that’s not good, because it’s not about the thing, the decision, the action and consequence I was ashamed of anymore, but the self-punishment, the self-wallowing into emotional down-spiral itself, which is not supportive at all – does not feel great and also sabotages the best practical solution to focus to.
My own history with shame
When I was a teen, I could be ashamed so easily, if I was unable to talk properly to a lady when she asked something for instance, because I was so nervous of so many fears and overwhelming ideas and desires in my head.
There were times when I was ashamed of my family, being not that snob and rich but vulgar and poor, ashamed my poor Chinese clothes and shoes(back in the days it meant worst and cheapest quality, what basically fell apart after short period of time), because that was what my family – my single mom could afford and I was afraid of being ridiculed.
Another shame of mine was when I used to masturbate a lot, using sex tapes and magazines, and then later, when talked with girls, my face turned to red, I was anxious and in a way ashamed that I could not do what I saw in the videos, as in a way, in my mind I was objectifying women, as only that I believed I could do, to do sex in my mind, but not with real ladies – not because I was incapable, but I was so nervous, so then I did not even realize when girls really wanted to be with me all ways possible, because I was just busy with my fears and desires – so then I was ashamed for that.
Or another example, when I was kid and my dog did bite my leg, not seriously, I did hit him with a big stick and I was ashamed of myself for a long time as I knew that it was wrong.
Or once much much later, I did cause physical pain to my girlfriend once because I was frustrated and exerted it on her – I was really ashamed and afraid and hated myself for that for a while.
So shame is kind of a moral balance seemed to be in my life, so I would not turn out to be a selfish evil sociopath, or at least I tried to justify to accept it when overwhelmed me so much.
Just did not realize a couple of things back then, what could assist and support me to change from focusing to negative emotions and rage against myself towards understanding why things happened and to actively do things to prevent making those mistakes again and do things right, or at least really better.
And often shame is the thing what people do not want to experience, but so easily can try to trigger or want others to experience, “those crooked politicians”, “the rapist”, “the mass murderer”, “the exploiting capitalist”, or even parents to their children “shame on you little boy”, etc…
But as within everything in this world – all what’s relevant starts with self here, thus to see all the things in the world, and to reflect them back to self, and ask the question: “How I am responsible and dishonest in regarding to shame?”
I mean, I can do the same mistakes forever in my life until I die and then constantly be ashamed of that, of myself, and then distract myself from it, get over it, suppress it, and then as not feeling the shame anymore, doing the mistakes again!
So if only the negative emotion of shame keeps me making mistakes, that’s not really practical, because then I am conditioned to do or not do something according to if having the proper emotional state – not to mention, shame might not be the most enjoyable ‘proper’ way to guide/live all the time.
So to see what shame is, within me, what could be, what would I do if I would be ashamed, or would not be anything in my life to be ashamed of – even a tiny point, like a secret thought of something what if others would know, I would be ashamed of – those apparently insignificant moments are great stepping stones of change if taken responsibility for.
Because if a point seems small or insignificant, I can progress with realizing, really facing, understanding it easier – but if I think about a point within me as ‘this is the greatest challenge of my life, impossible’ – then I attach definitions, reactions to the point, which then also make it more difficult to see what a point actually is within it’s nature: relationship with words in a self-dishonest pattern.
In this sense, Process of Self-realization – which is just a word for saying to be able to live totally transparently while not having ANYTHING what I could be ashamed of within self-honesty, ever – then that would be a cool reference of what it means to realize who I am.
Unless, I identify and define myself as who I am as the manifestation of shame itself.
But still then – I can ask – why – how – and for what I do that…
Maybe, because I have this computer programmer mind, I can, if I really want – decompose any pattern, structure, and if that’s being learned on how to do with my own mind, body, beingness and expression, that’s really great for…let’s name it as ‘optimization’ – to be more optimally aligned with reality and facts, best solutions for all participants in the system.
Not today’s topic, but why consider all participants must be the only best solution is in itself can hide a cool realization for those who do not (want to) realize the practical common sense of remain focused to live according to what’s best for all.
I even would say – it’s a shame if I would not have realized this in my lifetime, and of course, ‘realized’, if appears only within thought and word, but not in action, then it’s certainly not really real, yet – but this is a great challenge.
When I was reading this sentence at Desteni Forum:
“each and every single human being is equally responsible for the current manifestation of earth”
When I really opened all of my beingness to this sentence to really get in,
there was a cry and shame as well, because first in my life, I was about 28, understood what real shame is, in direct experience.
Not, because of anybody else, but simply allowed myself to open up to grasp how the world is, how I used to live thus far and how much I was only considering my own interest.
Many could argue that self-interest is good, because if I do not care about myself, maybe noone will, thus I could die, but as with everything, this should be balanced in consideration to my environment, especially by admitting the fact that every other human is kind of the same as me, as any attempt to claim that I could be superior or better – or worse – that anybody else, that would be just indeed an attempt to protect something within me what I value more than facts, even when it’s not real.
That’s the art of illusion of freedom – to be able to value anything and if one is not throughout with decomposing and questioning our own mind-movement, we can end up to value things what are so unreal that influences, limits, sabotages our ability to cope with actual facts of reality, thus causing conflict, problem and often suffering.
I also had shame when I tapped into an addiction recognition within myself, but only when I did not stop doing it – in a way I know that it’s an energetic high I escape into – but still doing it – and that’s kind of shameful for me. Because I diminish who I am as potential, which is to get over this limitation.
The so called vicious cycle is when I feel bad because of the addiction, even shameful, and then by doing it I feel good and high again, but once stopped doing it, I feel again low/bad/shameful, thus seems like I should continue towards feel good, to avoid shame.
Thus, to be able to really be shameful, it means to really fed up with what I have accepted and allowed(within me and/or in the world) and wanting to change.
That’s why commitment and principled living is a great support within establishing integrity – even mistakes can be transformed into self-trust if learning from them.
Until shame does not mean I transition into change – it’s not real shame, it’s just self-manipulation, because of being aware of still accepting self-sabotage.
In this sense – it’s often preferred to avoid to feel real shame, because that would be uncomfortable, because it would not go away, until I change.
Thus, to justify, to have excuses, to avoid, distract, suppress, blame and project responsibility is often chosen to not experience shame, and it’s indeed, it’s real shame, because it can really support with standing up and change, if it’s not being abused to wallow into a cycle of self-punishing emotions and relapsing into distraction/denial without realizing and changing.
Support I will expand with and suggest others to do as well in regards to SHAME: