Day 339 – Energy: Admitting facts for Self-Change

webContinuing with the energy craving mentality decomposition

Its a great opportunity as at the moment getting really tired and this is when usually can this mentality be noticed.
It’s when I want to experience intensity, sense of movement, energetic experiences, excitement, tension and in overall kind of a ‘high’. Well, it’s not self-expression, as it is to compensate, to distract and actually entertain and self-stimulate, in a way simulate living, which I do not do and accepting myself not living with the mesmerizing energetic experiences I keep re-creating. Thus let’s change it!

I directly apply Self-forgiveness on upcoming points. At times I still see that I have conflict within, thus need to continue with the understanding.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself in relation to the energy craving mentality within my mind, which is almost literally ‘can attack’ when I am in doubt that I did not do all I could for the day or when I feel that I am feeling tired, but I feel that I should do more today.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that it’s not about ‘today’ what I did – as obviously if I make ‘today’ longer, then ‘tomorrow’ must become shorter as I can’t cheat time, and meaning I try to use the unit of time to compensate with the already obvious, yet not self-admitted realization that I feel as I did not do all I could, but I want to, I should to and in a way I also would do, yet feeling tired, exhausted, thus I want to feel energetic, thus I should feel the need to stimulate myself to literally ‘generate’ energy within my mind by specific patterns to participate within just to feel the day longer and within that not realizing that the fear, as it’s source is actually in the center of it all, which actually sabotages direct and effective application for the things I fear not progressing with.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that there is a mind-trick I apply with myself all the time, which is that I slice up time and creating ‘progressing’ moments and ‘let go’ or ‘give in’ moments and within this system I am not in direction and it’s basically similar construct to the spiritual/divine moments which then prioritizes moments, and when participating within the ‘not focused, self-directive’ moments, at the same time accumulating frustration and inner conflict of ‘not doing enough’, which then wanting to compensate once it’s reached a threshold, or the end of the day is coming at night, when being tired and sleepy.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am not realizing the practical common sense and the direct solution to my re-creational self-sabotaging frustration and feeling of ‘not doing enough’ experiences, which is to not give in to the ‘give up’ moments to participate, and not create judgements, frustrations in the first place, yet to be honest with myself within self-direction to see what are my needs and wants within absolute, brutal self-honesty, and if I would see needing entertainment for example, just give it to myself within my own direction, not as ‘give into’ by suppression, desire and fear of missing out, then falling into it and then losing discipline and direction.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the simple solution for my energy addiction is to be honest with myself of what I want or need, desire or strive for and then to check each and every single one of these with common sense and to see which is supportive, which I can ‘afford’ in terms of prioritizing my time and resources, effort and participation and then if it’s applicable, to ‘give’ it to myself, or if its not supportive/doable at the moment, then to decide to postpone – or if it’s not supportive at all or doable, then to let it go, forgive and focus on directly working to really let it go actively until I am clear, here, present without temptation or desire, suppression or fear(of missing out).
  • Basically be practical and structured, organized and considerate.

There are not many ‘things’ what I can fall into with suppression but in overall the reason is a self-identification, self-perfection-related self-image superimposed to who I am currently – thus there is a ‘rift’ between actual and with what I deal through my mind of myself.

Sounds creepy, although it’s a typical human thing, to not clearly see who we exactly are, but with some pink or even grey glasses so to speak, so the first step is to see actual facts and thus becoming able to work with those to align and unify all of self here through decomposing and forgiving, re-defining and re-aligning the words with I perceive, experience, express and live in the physical.

For instance if I look at honestly – I can judge myself on ‘watching TV series‘ – it can take a lot of time, it’s just entertainment, while sometimes I can do other things, but if it’s interesting I just watch – and if not interesting, I do not watch actually, so it’s time consuming – if my priorities do not progress as should, I can feel ‘uncool’ about it.

Justifications and excuses also can and should be investigated and dealt with – such as ‘I had hard working day, let’s relax’, ‘I am too tired to do anything constructive’ or ‘It’s so interesting story, relates to my life’, ‘Just one episode, or while I eat, or do this or that’…etc – it’s OK to do do it, but if I feel not good about it – I create problem within about it. And if I just let it go and ‘give in’ – and just watch without worry of other things do not progress because of this – then I might feel bad about those anyway – so no escape from self actually, not for long anyway…thus better to get clear on this…

Well, its often so subtle – ‘uncool’ – see, not as ‘bad’ – just not so cool – as there is suppression – I have this judgement, negative emotion, instant suppression – all in a split second – and then I am ‘clear’ – but it happened, it accumulates somewhere and doing it enough times and it grows to the point of not so suppressed, but as an issue.
Then all of the tiny emotional suppression altogether stand up and say HELLO – and then I can’t ignore it, well, I can’t even do anything else as I just feel that I have this tidal wave awakening within me and I have to deal with it, and man, that’s tiresome and time consuming – and then I am exhausted, spent time with: not with priority, and then dealing with my inner waves, and the (to)day comes to it’s end and I am tired, yet did not progress with things as I wanted to, and that’s the point and inner conflict of what I write about to recognize, decompose, forgive and prevent.

I mean, when hearing stories about ‘extremely effective/successful men and their actions in the world’ – they might have had similar problems but could overcome and become one whole expression to do what they committed to do, thus become very effective with – it’s not impossible, just needs structure, self-honesty, motivation, direction and self-supporting tools and apply it, one step at a time to become unified within to be able to do what one really wants. Would I also want to become this ‘very effective/successful? I do not accept self-limitations and committed to find out my utmost potential, which means to keep exploring, understanding, growing!

Well, as I mentioned, the only way is to roll up my sleeves so to speak and get into the specific details to the utmost. Here meaning of what exact topics, points I judge myself as wanting to be different than I am actually – or within that want, actually seeing myself differently as I am – here the ‘fake it until make it’ does not work, thus better to change directly than to pretend, and it starts with admitting flaws, dishonesty, mistakes.

Just a short story – my father had drinking problems and later mental health issues too – but he kept avoiding to admit these, so he was ignoring facts until grew up on him to the extent of literally losing himself and his life with the overwhelming experiences of the accumulated things he never took responsibility for.

Thus, to admit problems – is although difficult, uncomfortable, can be even shameful for a moment, yes, but necessary to align with reality, and in fact can assist and support to realize the extent of self-dishonesty and self-compromise I allow myself to live within, and thus to really decide and stand up to change.

And ‘watching series‘ is just one example – although the things I experience are complex, as can relate to to my human interpersonal relationships, difficulties to be dealt with in family, at work, career, daily things, sexual desire or suppression, bully, any doubt, distrust, to see how the world is and face sadness, shame, or in overall questioning direction of my life, or financial, money points to face – each to deal with, while not get exhausted, overwhelmed, thus to balance it out with staying healthy, effective and growing, live with enjoyment, enthusiasm and innocent yet responsible and be open and able to share insights, support – it’s an art, but the key to it all is to learn and live being honest with myself, as if this one point I ever miss, then I actually can miss ‘myself’ within it all, which then start manifesting ‘glitches’, ‘reactions’, ‘frustrations’, ‘self-judgement’, ‘frustrations’, then manifesting worries, fears, then desires, etc…

One breath at a time to walk through points – and although there are many dimensions, take one thread, which bothers the most, and walk it through – and probably open another dimensions, insights, but I keep disciplined on walking this through – and if necessary, I hold this point – and clear out another what is necessary, and once that is clear, I understand myself on why and how I do what is not supportive, then I forgive, and move on with the initial point. Sounds simple. That’s why writing is key – not just thinking through, but to walk a point, word by word, the thread of Ariadne – of sanity, self-honesty and self-direction is writing here to see the patterns as I unfold with being honest with myself until all the maze of my consciousness is mapped and I see the pattern, the way in and out and I change the maze to be direct and simple, yet supporting and effective.

So, one step ‘closer’ to see directly the patterns with I create these energy craving spirals within what are getting more and more rare, less and less intense, but still way to understand, decompose, forgive and prevent myself participating, and it also entails on how to live what I not yet, but I could and actually wanting to.

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Day 311 – Changing the World starts with changing SELF

img_0978I am kind of flu-ish right now, but realized this does not stop me from sharing some points today.

Let’s look a day like a mini-creation. I mean, I am already created, the world is too, but in terms of what if I would wake up like I am actually a creator, meaning I could literally create and/or change things.
In my life and in the world equally so.
What would I change? Stop all wars in the world, end slavery, stop the destruction of biodiversity and nature’s healthy ecosystem. This seems like a good choice, but what if those of my changing/creating abilities are not actually magical, supernatural, but totally from this world. I mean we all know that there are actual individuals who are leading the way of re-shaping specific aspects of society with their power of influence, inventions and innovative investments. Just giving an example: electric car. It’s inevitable now, what car company does not brings out awesome electric cars in the next 5-10 years, they soon will fade away silently. Okay, probably there will always be some petrolhead, but here talking about the majority.
So if I look at what it would take to imagine/plan/finance/develop/create/maintain/profit and expand such company: it’s not magical – but a lot of effort, work, work and work. That’s what I am referring to here.
Not the excuses and justifications, but to see what it would take to change the world.

This might not be an obvious approach, so let’s go like this:

What if I would not be limited from within, mentally, emotionally, morally at all – ever – and then this comes up: I’d be then limited by financially, right? Because if I would have endless amount of money, how things would be much-much easier?
But really? I’d hire a bunch of professionals of what I’d like them to do, like ‘fix the economy’ or ‘make people become smarter’.
Hehe, does not those super-rich politicians do exactly like this, the latest monkeylord presidents here and there, and probably soon there will be more of these opportunists – don’t they do what they think is the best? It does not matter in what context of what interest they mean -the best-. Of course it matters, but what it takes to get into such position is also a question here.

I am sure they will have to be absolute dedication, commitment, self-trust and relentless effort of accumulating of actually DOING STUFF. Only actions are relevant, all thoughts are like smoke – fly away pretty quick.

I do really want to change the world, make it better, not needing children to suffer as much as I did suffer, although in comparison I did not suffer that much as other kids suffer elsewhere – I definitely wish to end that too.
In fact by looking at the kids starving to death, being drone-missiled to shreds, being brainwashed as suicide bombers – or being a 7 years old slave in a sapphire-mine or a scrapyard – my own childhood limitations and sufferings were like a privileged happy barbie camp.

But still – my family was struggling, most of the adults often shouted and argued drunk, because of lack of money, their fear and insecurities plus their constant petty blaming all the time. I could use better clothes, more proper equipment, gear to learn and study a lot more effectively, especially if some of my school teachers would not have been such douches and hitting me several times, which did hurt me not really physically, but also made me realize, I should trust myself, not in school, not in family support, not in others – although my constant desire was to find somebody or something to tell me what to do and how to do it – and it never came.

The real support was to show me how can I support and assist myself to change my world, which originates from me, within, myself here. How I would want to change the world of everyone if I can’t stop being nervous when talking to a woman I like? Or how could I imagine being an inspiring leader for the betterment of humanity if I am shy and uncertain when I would have to make a speech or talk in front of a bunch of people?
More specifically:
How could I become an example of world change, if I could not change my self-compromising habits, such as being addicted to relentlessly avoiding responsibility, stability and consistency, unwilling and unable to commit myself to a real partnership? I had to realize that who I was had to die, I have to rebirth and reinvent, re-define and re-create myself.
Although my aim was getting more clear of what I have to do, for a while I was mesmerized with experiences and intensity, desires and inner resistances, I walked some years with spirituality, psychedelic drugs and a sort of off-grid lifestyle. Well, after a while this did lead to literally nowhere and I’ve walked some big cycles and after each I’ve found myself literally at the same spot I’ve started with nothing but myself here.
It was obvious that what I accumulate has no merit, no substance and no real self-trust here.

So after the next hit rock bottom experience, I’ve re-started searching for the N. time and this time I’ve found something really interesting, about the concept of self-honesty, the principle of equality and oneness and the practical application of self-forgiveness. That immediately hit my mind, like a virus and could not let go.

Then I literally dropped immediately all previous concepts, belief systems, processes, methods, thoughts and realized that I always chase oneness and equality separately and the only reason was that I always remained separated, thus powerless from being one AND equal with myself at the same time, is because of my mind, my consciousness, my systematic thought, emotion, feeling-processes, basically pre-conditioned to situations, experiences, words, sound, visual and other sensory stimuli.

In this world, the ability to change starts with changing myself to being able to see things as they are – also starting with self: seeing what I am accepting and allowing currently.

And it’s a tough one, never to be underestimated. Even though I am literally accepting and allowing everything to exist and continuing to be re-created in this world, on this earth, within this human ‘civilization’, I am not aware of the specifics, thus I do not understand, I am literally unaware.
I am not even aware of how my own human physical body works – seems like magic, science itself is still only scratching the surface, so how can I be so sure of what’s possible and what not if not investigated anything and everything by myself?

Again – although seems so fascinating to jump into the household of living cells and DNA-reproduction, I’d still start with my immediate, obvious reality within and around me – let’s say human relationships, family. Why? Because it’s here, I can approach it every day, I can work with it, I can slow down, I can create distance and observe, I can get closer, I can interact, it’s a direct system, which is here. Of course not everyone is fortunate enough to have family or not being totally douche bags, but most of us have ~okay~ family to start to learn about self.

Even though, I want to change let’s say how my family members argue and fight with each other, and every time I am among them, I get frustrated, ashamed, nervous, angry and then I also might start shouting at them and eventually leaving them and spending time to calm down, blame them, basically giving up on them, but not really, -not giving up- on them either, thus constantly re-creating the cycle of the same pattern. Even further: it always changes, evolves a bit more each time it happens, what’s being accumulated becomes part of reality and once actions were made, words have been said, there is consequence, which of some cannot be changed back. For instance in my family, once I witnessed how my drunk grandpa took the door off from it’s hinges and started to bash other family members with it while my mum jumped at his neck with a knife to save my grandma from him and luckily no one has injured seriously, but that scene probably influenced me much more than just watching it on TV and my family’s and probably my own life could have been gone into different direction if that night would have ended with a fatality, which was kind of luck in a way… So yes, irreversible consequences do exist. Best cure is prevention.

In this situation for instance, – when the family is only at ‘argument level’ – although it seems like obviously ‘my family members’ are the problem in my world, what I’d like to change – who I am today and how I handle ‘them’ – makes it impossible to have actual direction, influence and power, the ability to solve actual problems.
Why? Because I am part of this system now, as long as I am automatically reacting, then acting upon those reactions – I am part of the problem.

So, even though it might seem as good idea to somehow get control over the arguing people’s conversation, my starting point is influenced by, motivated with my own reactions, which is already stimulating me in a way I might not be aware to the utmost extent, because when I am in it, I am of it too.

Thus, first step is to be able to see what I am accepting and allowing and take responsibility for that.
Also to take responsibility for what I have not accepted and allowed to see/realize/understand about this, within me, in relation to the situation.

Then I can realize that I could totally not react, not get angry, emotional, taking it personally the things I hear/see from others and it’s a process to stop reacting to the things I’ve defined and experienced as negative since aeons of time. That’s my interest and there will be a lot of justifications of why it’s in my interest to do so.

Until I do not take a ‘leap of faith’ in this stopping/decompositing with the realization that ‘it’s bad enough now to start questioning’ – I will not stop automatically judging and reacting, and thus I will not be able to start to really see and understand what’s going on.

And the more reactions and judgements, emotions and thought-patterns I can prevent re-occuring within me, the more I will be able to understand, not only about myself, but the dynamics of these ‘arguments’, the other participants too.

It’s the next point I should look at – my justifications – is there any polarity, self-interest, emotional charge, reaction in regarding to those words of with I justify? To take responsibility for that is common sense. Part of the healing process.

It does not mean I should accept bully and abuse, definitely not, but I should not react with pre-defined patterns, which by I get locked into an experience automatically.

For instance if everyone gets angry around me and I could remain stable and directive, that would already be such a presence among them, that they might recognize it already – and furthermore I could start to see them for the first time without being distracted and overwhelmed by my own reactions in regarding to them.

Then still – to see what comes up in my mind, what judgement, positive or negative about others, and I also take responsibility for those – because it seems like it’s about them, well, it’s still within me, completely, thus until I can’t stop that – I will not directly see the situation, the others.

It’s pretty obvious. Well, it was not for me 9 years ago, and it might not be for someone else, but it’s even within science has been proven – the observer by it’s own observation already influences the observed. Meaning, what I experience about someone can be uncontrollably biased my own preconceptions. How can I be sure that I am not doing it? Practical understanding to it’s utmost specificity.

If I am not aware of what I actually thought 2 minutes before and why; or 5 minutes, ten minutes before – that literally means I am not really aware. I might be always conscious within a certain context, but certainly not aware. That’s a huge difference.

Consciousness vs awareness – knowing vs understanding. And if I do not understand how and why my thoughts pester in my head, it should be pretty obvious that I am not really aware of why I am doing what I am doing.

And this alone literally makes it impossible to objectively see, not only myself, but then based on my perception then: anything and everyone, including myself.

It’s like I try to change something in the world, which I am not even seeing clearly. Obviously I am not going to change it as I’d like to. It’s like when I put on binoculars the wrong way and I try to walk around and as I try to grab objects around me – my perception is wrong! Or opening up a car hood and randomly poking around with a wrench while not having any idea how this works – the chances of making it better are thin, most probably I’d make things worse.

Silly, but quite accurate comparison and example.

Then people, as they realize that their effort is not bringing the result they desire, they get more angry and choose to deal the situation with control, aggression – deception or weapons and destruction.

If I can’t explain to my neighbours why would be awesome to live in peace, I might soon ending up persuading someone, or the whole ‘nation’, the ‘congress’, the ‘cabinet’ that ‘those are the problem’ and a couple of thousands of thermonuclear weapons of mass destructions will be the solution for our ‘defense’ and peace. Insane, but this is the reality we are facing on earth.

One unrealized singular thought in the head is enough to misinterpret the reality and thus totally reacting with a really silly action with full confidence. Then imagine how many thoughts people have all the time, every day. Hundreds and thousands! It’s actually scary and sad at the same time, especially when one realizes the extent of deep shit we put ourselves into, individuals and humanity as a whole as well.

But then again – it’s not common sense to overreact on this topic either – but until someone does not admit the extent of insanity and total powerlessness of our own existence through our biased perception, our own mind consciousness system, then the individual will still trust reactions, thoughts, more easily get tempted to project, blame and justify, give up or overreact, because that’s the language of CONsciousness.

All in short – any change must start with self – because as the reality currently exists, including SELF here – is part of it, resonates with it, accepts it, as allows it – the individual is already equal and one with the problem, just not yet became aware of it, in details of it’s creation, and thus having no practical understanding how to accumulate actions towards changing it as self as equal as one.

All starts with apparently insignificant steps, changing the world starts with changing self. Until I can’t change myself, how would I like to change the world, which is a much complex system.

I indeed grew up in an arguing family, I used to react, I used to suppress, I used to judge, I used to accept such behavior until I realized I do not have to and if I ever want to change it, start supporting the arguing individuals, first I have to become the living example who I’d support with.

In Hungary, there is the saying: Help yourself and the god will help you. It refers to not wait, beg or pray for help, but do it yourself and within that you realize that you are creator and created already, now just have to live with that opportunity and for that there is no need any religion or belief.

For most of a problematic situation there is no one blueprint to always apply – sometimes to speak up, sometimes to walk away, sometimes to raise or lower voice – but never of emotions, never of energetic possessions, that’s certain. That’s like petrol to fire – just uncontrollable.

I also used to have problem with raising my voice, because it was intertwined and associated, remembered, pre-programmed within me with losing control, I used to shout only, when I already lost temper.

And interestingly, when I had to raise my volume, even when there was no argument, emotion, pretty soon I became reactive.
Example: talking with someone on the phone. The other person does not hear me, asks me to repeat it louder, and thus I do, but still, the other can’t hear me, so keeps asking me to speak louder, and all of a sudden I am shouting like a maniac. It’s like triggering all the suppressed angers. No control, no integrity, no honour in that situation, just stupid anger, which I know is not even related to the other person or the situation – or is it?
That’s the ‘beauty’ of emotions – blinding, demanding and exhausting they are.

And when I mention ’emotions’ – I do not mean love, happiness, freedom – I call emotions as negative: anger, hate, jealousy – while positive reactions as feelings – and each of those are result of self-delusion actually. Yes. Real love should never be some fuzzy, warm, positive energetic experience. Drugs can do that, even sugar with the body directly – is that love? Not really.

Love is only real when it’s lived directly. In action. Not in the mind in relation to something or someone. That’s just imagination, self-conviction, self-delusion actually. Words should not exist separately from self, the energetic experiences – that means observing, judging, categorizing through and as the mind, like a computer. Better to Live Words. Express Words, Become Words.
Nowadays I am much-much less influenced by people’s argument, tension, because it’s not supporting me and I’ve worked with that, I committed myself to prevent myself to go into those patterns/reactions.

I used to believe that to be sensitive, open, vulnerable means to allow other’s suffering to influence me, unbalance me, and thus ending up me kind of feeling the same. That’s not real either. That’s just reaction in the mind again. Also not really supportive, as to really support someone, I shall be stable and balanced.

I remember, when I used to travel in the metro and seeing those sad, exhausted, lonely and tired faces – I became sad too, I was completely unhappy and I believed that now I am connected.

At the same time I always judged and admired the people who are unaffected and completely unaware of how others feel, although they always seemed as totally self-centered and rude, but I wished for being able to have a direction within this, to find the balance between really sensing and still remain stable.

For some people for instance North India was fascinating, amazing, magical – for me it was horrible, ashaming and deeply disturbing, because some saw the nice things, such as buildings, landscapes, ancient cultures while I often focused to the illiterate, starving, begging, miserable masses of poverty, where people behave like zombies.

As I see it now – neither is self-honest, because the other person was focusing only to the positive, while I was fixated to the negative.

But not a real supportive manner, because I was not seeing directly how things are, but I was seeing through my negative judgement. And it does not mean for instance slavery is not wrong! It’s absolutely unacceptable, but I should not get worked up by negative emotions to a degree of ‘losing it’ when experiencing such phenomenon, because then I also lose direction, effectiveness and practical common sense.

This process then also brings up how morality, inner compass, the whole personality is just an elaborate facade and once we poke around our personality, motivation, it also can become totally empty and fake, just as those self-generated negative emotions or positive feelings. Life must be far beyond than these silly games. But then how to relate, connect, feel and live?

Isn’t it possible to support someone without feeling sorry and sad, because of how much the person suffered?

From another angle? Why can’t I trust myself that I would do the right thing without morality, which is taught, conditioned? Why can’t I do something supportive to someone else, who I don’t feel sorry for?

How can I ensure that once I find real self-trust, stability and unwavering constant and consistent presence, that I will not lose myself to the point of being unable to relate to anyone else but myself?

Humbleness is also key here, and principled living, to act upon what is best for all participants, including self here. And then if I am unaware of what that would actually mean, before – or after – I’d judge it, that it’s crazy, impossible, naive or utopistic, I see/realize and understand that I maybe know too much and it’s time to unlearn and by that starting to see with naked/virgin eye again, with the innocence of a child, but within awareness, responsibility and consistent presence.

Thus – changing the world – only can start with self here. One can start by listing up by how possibly could become more effective and then also to write down what are the actual facts what seem to block those possibilities to become real. Then to go further and to investigate, what I could actually do about it? How I’d do it? Do I know and understand enough for that? If not, then what it would take and how actually?

Be always on point – and if challenging, which probably will be at some point, it’s never shame to utilize writing, well, it’s literally the alchemy of creation to be the master of words, not the slave of them, so I’d encourage everyone to write regularly. Self perspective, not to keep blaming and justifying, but taking responsibility and to see what can be done and what should be forgiven to be able to move on.

 

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Day 308 – Rebuilding self

img_1001Rebuilding Self

I remember, when I was talking with Bernard, he told me that once I decompose my mind and personality, I will be able to re-create, rebuild a completely new me, according to who I want to be and become.

That seemed strange in that time, about 6-7 years ago, but already saw some potential in that.

I was at a 2 days body art – body time – self-supporting – awareness workshop weekend training and with some friends and about a dozen of new people and we had all kinds of various plays, situations, within many, we stood, walked and moved really close to each other and it was like a flock of birds. I had no thoughts or emotions, I was part of the flock, in a way I was the flock, but still had my individual presence within it. It was interesting experience. I had no fear of losing myself, neither of desire to be more.

I am reflecting back to my ‘old self’, who I was before started to decompose my mind-patterns I constitute of. That old Tala could have felt awkward, a bit anxious and uncertain, because my mind would have been overwhelmed by comparisons, judgments, definitions, associations, reactions.

Also, there were situations wherein my eyes were blindfolded and I could walk in the room and explore, meet and interact with others without words – just movement. Whenever I realized that I touch an other man’s hand – I did not feel awkward or confused, not, because I would define myself to be attracted to men, not really – but within that situation, which was completely not about sex, it was okay to just communicate with a touch – like blind and silent people probably would do. This brought up a lot of other senses, like smelling, space-awareness, gravity, body balance, and the touch itself.
I also encountered with women and in fact regardless of I could decide if the person is a woman or not, I was able to interact with no expectation or judgement. If the person decided to move along, it was alright, also if I wanted to walk away, there were no strings attached, meaning no confusion or stopping to wonder why this happened.

Who I am today is completely comfortable among strangers – regardless of how they look like or what status they are within – okay, probably if they would be threatening, I’d be in another state, but until that – and even then – I should just be normal me, comfortable and stable, open and present. This is the new self I am building, and while some of my friends do build their body literally with lifting heavy metals and consuming extra protein towards their desirable image and likeness, I am building a self first by decomposing the old one from the mind consciousness level and then figuring out what kind of re-definition of words, expressions I want to become. Even slight movements, such as how to grab a fork or make a step I often find myself slowing down within into and become aware of the very specific and detailed physical movement I take and in that moment I can try out new movements as well.
For instance since at least a decade I concluded that I’ve found a way how I am toweling my back and feet the most effective way and I used to do like that every day – well, I guess I never really cared about this, just get it done and move along to my next activity. This is just a tiny example, but even within this I can just start doing slightly differently while being empty within my mind – nothing to think about, worry about, plan for, remember back, so then I find myself being here, just toweling myself dry. Weird. Not really, but maybe a little.
It’s like when I see humanoid slave robots are gaining consciousness within various movies/TV series – all of a sudden they just stop within their movement and start wondering about what’s I am doing, well, how this feels and how I’d really like it differently.

I used to be suppressive and closing down type, and today I often approach complete strangers at public places, just to communicate, share, by a motivation, or pure curiosity – and more and more realizing that feeling awkward was of fear of judgement, fear of failure, which is again comparison, judgement.
The more judgement systems I decompose, stop participate within, the more I am present, free from these automatic patterns and beyond that there is actual freedom to explore, decide, re-create.

The human mind consciousness system has been setup in a specific way that even those apparently irrelevant personality traits are connected to deeper patterns, more subtle, sub- or unconscious mind manifestations, what first one has to open up, dig out, unveil, expose, decompose to be able to loosen up these patterns.

Forgiving myself for a self-limitation for instance and what I have accepted and allowed to became is literally stating out that I recognize my responsibility, ability and decision within creation, as creator and created as one and equal and going into specific understanding of a pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatize movements I do every day what I believed to be irrelevant, wanting those to do the most efficient way I can and get over with it while not really being aware of the physical movement itself, the touch, the feel, thus giving my mind the opportunity to focus to something else, a thought, a feeling, an emotion, a memory, a reaction, and although it seems like this is an advantage – actually I am not honestly and presently expressing myself in this moment, well, every day doing it, never being present in this movement as limited this to be always about efficiency and getting it done.

Not saying that toweling my feet should be the greatest awareness point in the universe, just recognizing the tendency to get distracted in that moment and within my mind jumping forward, imagining, thinking about something else, about the future, what I am going to do, feel, whatever.

To be present in the self-defined ‘mundane’ moments is absolutely not waste of time, but an equal opportunity with all of my other situations and actions to solidify, direct and live my presence here.

I’d suggest to do the challenge and try to take a shower without thinking about something/anything else. Be present, be the showering, not to go to future, or to past – can you do that?

I still can’t from start to end, for ten minutes – within absolute self-honesty – but working on it every day.

Also – if you would decide to try it – and you cannot – what this tells about you? Actually a lot!

First of all – you are not really in direction, but your mind deals the cards a lot of time to you and you just play with those – something comes into your mind, you react, then go there, and then here, and then another thing pops in, jack in the box jumps another story, it’s like a mini-movie going around, while you do shower, wash the body, then toweling, etc.
Of course you can feel stuff, to some extent ‘data’ feeds into your mind…

Secondly – the very points popping up can be also specific – the very points you might face worry, fear about, or desire to, excitement about – energy. Positive or negative – it’s all in a waving balance actually.

Many people LOVE thinking – to think about stuff, to stimulate, to combine, to evolve memories, data – I do not really like it anymore. It feels superficial, limited, confining. All memory-based anyway. Nothing really-really new actually. Sure, it’s variation, permutation of previous thoughts and reactions, emotions, feelings also can change, evolve due time, but in those thinking moments I am lacking full body presence awareness. That’s right. No being one with breath, no being ONE with physical, mental – it’s rather like a software running, electrifying through my brain, my spine, my limbs. Many can define that also as awesome, stimulating, like a rush, a sense of light, quick movement, feeling alive. It’s energy. Like sugar or alcohol. Basically the same. Again – separation – electricity, positive and negative. Polarizing, not unifying.

Well, this is just an approach to start discovering new ways to exist – body awareness workshops are awesome, safe places and groups to explore what is beyond the thinking mind and how awareness actually can only be experienced and expressed through and as our body presence.

And a lot of people face resistances, difficulties, blockades during these body work situations, also revealing how the mind can limit pure physical self-expression. Then the process to walk through those patterns is common sense. That is where decomposition, re-definition, re-building self also becomes relevant.

If I would have a choice, why would I want to be embarrassed by cultural imprinting while living? Why would I feel awkward, confusing while being in the presence of strangers? What programs I’ve given permission to my mind to take over and while I’d repeat the thought-feeling pattern to go my virtual happy place, while my body just does it’s job, like a robot? What movements, expressions within my living I do not like and why? Can or should I change any or all of those? Can I? Why can’t I? Why should I accept myself not being able to directly assess and change any of my behavior, especially, if something is not supporting me or others?

Re-building self is inevitable in the path of awareness, I mean who is perfect already who does not want to change anything within themselves? And even if so – is that really-really the best possible potential? How can we be so sure if we did not even try anything else to be as who we perceive ourselves to be since decades?

I stop with these questions and encourage everyone to also start writing and asking questions and giving answers too and start expanding, sharing and if seems fitting, also start changing. Enjoy!

Day 305 – Integrity to establish

img_0961I always was fascinated about other humans, even though I was more of an introvert observer type, but until this day whenever I am alone among other strangers, such as being on a train or metro, airplane or at the doctor’s waiting room, to look at people and this inherent curiosity is part of my nature.

Somebody lent me a book about 2 years ago what contains types of people, of what personality types they can be categorized into and thus being able to have an overall description or prediction of them. This kind of books could never get my interest, because always believed that this type of boxing rather makes me not to see things by assuming a lot based on someone else’s observations and judgments.

It’s so easy to witness someone’s appearances, behavior and words to have a judgement, a category, to be able to put the person somewhere in my mind’s database, so then I can feel that I have a knowledge, what can be use to support me interacting with this person, but this can lead to self-limitation, thus I never liked to do so.

I always wanted to be free, probably, because I always felt myself being limited, by myself. Did reckless, irresponsible actions in order to break through my delusions, enslavement, but it’s not about intensity, the more I fight, the more I lose as well, thus it’s common sense to stop fighting and for a moment to allow sinking in of what I have accepted and allowed to become without judgement. To see as clearly as possible without any category, pattern or type.

What I do since some years is decomposing the patterns my mind constitutes and one of the most important realizations is that most of these patterns I am not aware of yet I behave, judge, decide according to them and I’d say I am someone who could be defined as spontaneous and thoroughly profiling people, kind of embracing their presence first before having to say something about them in relation to others, yet still noticing judgments, definitions, reactions coming up at time.

Walking the  Desteni I Process online course made me reveal that I am about 99.999% driven by judgments and patterns, reactions brought here from my past and if I am not aware of these patterns, then  am totally identified by those, being equal and thus not even seeing these patterns, just thinking ‘I am me’.

Within a 10 minutes of conversation and interaction’s timeline, with one of the lesson’s assignment I was able to become aware of the fact that I’ve participated dozens of self-dishonesty within my thoughts, feelings and emotions, the words I spoke to the person I was with, the decisions I’ve made and the actions I did.

It’s quite shocking that almost every bit of movement I take in reality is tainted with ignorance, self-interest, self-dishonesty based on fear. But that knowledge is not supporting enough to break the cycle, I have to exactly, absolutely specifically be aware of these patterns, to what situation, to what trigger point I thought what, felt how and to become honest with myself of where I gave into the self-dishonesty.

I assumed, projected out, blamed, hoped, believed, expected, even though I was not aware of it.

And during a simple conflicting conversation with a person I became reactive too much, I got frustrated and angry and that made me convinced of a perception what caused me to distance myself from the person for a while, just because I felt righteous and reasonable in order to protect my interest.

Although within self-honesty, the event, the memory and experience came back sometimes and I felt conflicted about it, just somewhat I could not conclude that ‘it’s done the way it could not – I could not do better‘ – no. I felt like I overreacted, did not communicate and express myself clearly, I played being offended and not respected, although who I am today – after more than a year – I could have acted quite differently.
But we’ve spent(with my Desteni I Process course mentor/tutor/buddy) weeks to establish the timeline, to investigate my reactions and cross-reference with facts, to find what is in my past/memories what got me to be jumpy and why and to realize that I got afraid and here and there how and why I became afraid and to understand the whole dynamics of that reaction I’ve got carried away and made mistakes.

Although this was not a huge deal, not like the faith of countries, world history was at stakes, but within my reality, this was relevant and it’s supporting to consider that this can happen with anyone, including country and world leaders too, who has immerse responsibility and power, and if they become similarly reactive and overreacting, that can cost literally lives.

Each of those patterns I went through and applied self-forgiveness, written, said aloud to hear if there is any doubt, wavering within my sound expression by saying the specific words and that assisted me to become aware of these patterns much directly, thus if similar situation would present itself, I should become aware of these patterns and I would stop for a moment to recognize that ‘I’ve been here once and I was dishonest to myself, here I do not want to do it again, so I STOP, I change my starting point‘.

This also assisted me to re-connect with the person and to realize that the problem I experienced and reacted to was not really about her, of what she did, but rather I’ve faced my own demons just did not realize that and got into fight mode. Well, not physically, but with certain people, can escalate to actual aggression I am sure.
Also to add, although we’ve reconnected, spent time with each other, but honestly I’d say it’s still not the same as it was between us, and I do not feel sorry, or sad, just making a note to myself – and here to anyone reads it – those manifested consequences remain here and there are things for what there is no quick and easy fix, so the best cure is prevention. Not to go into automatic emotional reactions, especially if I can have the tendency to act out my fearful past personality traits.

What is also remarkable is that I was and I am able to re-wire my personality to great extent with this process and completely change my behavior, to free myself from my ‘karma‘ so to speak, a sort of self-liberation, what I hoped to ‘attain’ from my previous spiritual practices, such as Buddhism, yet it did not work; but for actual, practical real time and space, physical change, I have to be absolutely aware of what I am going to change and exactly how. To the utmost specificity. My self-dishonesties can be worded as my personality consists of words and relationships, energetic imprinting, emotional automation.

Currently I am still walking the online course Desteni I Process and working on a similar mind-pattern/construct in relation to a resistance/problem I face about a specific kind of project/profession I am committed to do in my life. It’s a great support to see behind the curtains and to understand what’s going on in my mind to see where I give into self-sabotage, giving up, resistance based on doubt, fear of judgments, etc.

It takes time, but every minute I spend with it, I am more and more empowered with the practical understanding of what I have to take responsibility for and thus I am grateful for the support, opportunity and my decision to do this.

I’d rather walk a lifetime to be able to transcend a fear/self-limitation than to accept it for one more month, because what I accept and allow is who I actually am.

Process works for those who walk it – we call it ‘desteni’ – because this can remind us that who, walking this have realized that it’s our destiny to take responsibility for what is here as ourselves.

See, I used to be an introvert, who had problem with talking, always resisted to approach a stranger and initiate conversation and one of the most crazy things I did was to start sharing myself online. Blogging, vlogging, to share how flawed, reactive, imperfect I am, but it does not matter, because I do not accept myself how and who I am today, I am going to change and this process I share, because this is who I am, this change and the way I am becoming more intimate with myself, I share it with the world, especially the self-dishonesty, the fuel of my secret mind, because although until today this is what I accept and allow to be, this is not who I really am and it’s important to share this about me as well.

People appear within responsible positions in the world system without they are being transparent, open, readable and they should not be trusted. I do not really trust people who are not walking through their own mind consciousness maze and sharing that process consistently, taking the effort day by day to work on self-dishonesty, expose their delusions, de-value their false idea of themselves. It’s not personal. It’s life.

If someone is sharing a process blog, vlog for years quite consistently, that might mean that the person is working on integrity – for herself/himself and others too. Actions, facts, what can be cross-referenced should be considered, charisma or attraction, interest or hope not really.

A new type of future leadership is required, who are self-leaders, who can initiate change first within themselves and living as an example to bring about the change within themselves what we want to see manifested in the world equally and by sharing their own delusion-transcending process proving to be worthy to be considered as someone to live the word integrity.

If someone has something to be ashamed of and feared to be exposed – it’s a great sign of protecting a self-dishonesty and that owns the person, limits the person, deludes the person, separates her/him from direct reality. And that is a problem, not only for the person, but for others around her/him, the world too. Thus although it’s her/his responsibility, in the greater picture, everyone’s everyone’s responsibility.

It’s also about decision, discipline, commitment. Not with some religious fundamentalism to be fueled by, but with principle. A principle what is not limiting, separating or excluding, but with I can ensure that expansion, responsibility and awareness I can reflect back to see if I am really living, not just becoming a set of patterns, repeated until death within the hypnotic polarity-trance between fear and happiness due to the complete delusion of self-interest, sugar-coated by our cultural definitions of love and peace surrounded by perpetuated wars of consciousness and power.

Within this human world system love and peace is hate and war, one must be able to learn to be in this world, but not of this world, and to embrace all but not being moved by to birth direct self-movement without external influence, motivation and control. Self-directed individuals will not be randomly appearing. They are self-created with the decision of not accepting self-dishonesty anymore and face, stop and change it all.

I encourage everyone to study themselves, to discover self-limitations, inner resistances towards things, topics, words, people and to try to understand those limitations, resistances, to assist and support to overcome, transcend them and thus allow to grow, expand.

What I am still establishing is the every day movement, every moment of direction, every breath of presence and it might seem quite a distanced ‘goal’ to create, accumulation is key, consistency is also key.

That’s why I’ve decided to do this discipline/challenge to write every day I can, and although I’ve skipped a day due to my travels, it’s also not about to judge myself or go into reaction, but to remain practical and not to create a scene from what it should not be, so instead of lashing/bashing myself, immediately looking at what I can do to re-align and keep continuing.

Today for instance having a bit of physical down, some cold and sore parts, here is quite extreme cold and I might got some mild flu, uncomfortable experiences here and there, but I was considering if I can do this blog today and realized yes, so I did and I am grateful.

Even when something is uncomfortable, sometimes supporting to walk through as many times uncomfortable experiences are results of inherently self-accepted self-limitations and resistances to not go towards directions we accepted to experience fear of loss and although it’s tempting not to face that, if it’s ‘there’ within ourselves, it’s part of us until we face and stop that aspect of ourselves completely. I learn consistency and during doing it I face with patterns I could never face if not pushing my limits. So this is it. Enjoy breath!

Day 303 – Resistance to writing and knowing self

img_0950I communicate with quite some people who starts to grasp the self-support and practical value for writing within self-honesty for accumulate more understanding of problems and possible solutions.

It’s quite common to face a resistance to writing. Thought-based, emotion-based or even physical symptoms-based.

When I started this blog about 8 years ago, I also had similar experiences, thus I’d like to share some points what one should consider when ALREADY realized the value, support and common sense within writing within self-honesty.

If I’d want to describe it as something cool – it’s like when in the Matrix movie they see those flowing digits and they can see the systems. Of course that’s a bit more theatrical than it is in reality, but it does not matter, what’s relevant is the similarity within understanding and realization.

To ‘see the systems’ starts with self here – to see the systems I consist of.

One can easily give into blame, projection, or even hope instead of take direction to solve problems – regardless of the nature of that problem. Let’s say someone is addicted to alcohol/drug/smoking/masturbation/gambling/sex/greed/self-harm. Or someone is so introvert that developed some social phobia and inability to exist normally among others. It’s a symptom system and behind it there is an origin story, a pre-conditioning what got out of hand and grew on the person to the degree of the addiction/phobia living on it’s own and taking over the person as there is self-identification as ‘I am addiction’ or ‘I am an introvert’ with or without of without acknowledging it.

My father was alcoholic, however he never acknowledged it, thus he then could not conceive the idea of getting support or do something with it, so eventually it took him completely. Well, in terms of showing an example – he supported me with also showing the consequence of it, thus to see, it’s not a cool idea.

Writing can be support within accepting facts, how and who I am here today – without judgement of negative or positive – objectively. Self-first. Cross-referencing reality events with what I perceive to see that my perception is real or not. Am I honest with myself by seeing things as they are or I automatically shift my perception from what is here towards what I want to see for some reason. That reason to be found within writing means to open up, to express myself completely, word by word and eventually it will ‘come out’, meaning I will get to the point of revealing. If I direct myself towards to find that point. If I can walk through my resistances, what exist within me – if there would not be any, I might just be aware of everything of me already.

Whenever I face something big dishonesty within me, there can be resistance to recognize, to fully understand, to face it, to bring up the experiences, probably because it’s unpleasant. Maybe, because it makes me to react with strong negative emotions, what within I get overwhelmed by or maybe, because I would feel shame for what I did and could not forgive myself – or to be angry for somebody else and can’t forgive for him – which actually means I carry this emotional burden what I would be more free of if I could let go.

To let go emotional reaction towards someone else, to let’s say: forgiving him: it does not mean that I close my eyes to what the person did – if really was responsible – but I should not get worked up, especially not automatically. It also can be a clean understanding on what would be the best practical way to stand in regarding to that person in reflection of past events. Actually the same with myself.

Even if I was addicted, had a phobia, even if I still am – I should not be angry at myself. Anger is energy, coming from not changing, not being able to change – that’s effort, which could be used to focus for better understanding and exploring possible solutions.

If I have inner resistance to do something and I am not entirely and specifically aware of all factors at play within my mind, that means I try to hide from something, I try to look away, try to not go into that, because of a resonant fear. That resistance accumulates and I end up being limited with it and even justifying it to calm myself with that “This is okay, acceptable”. But it is not.

To open up this can of hornets might bring also out reactions, when facing a long time suppressed fear or anger, but when I recognize that if I do not cut up this not-healing wound to clean up properly, it might never heal and I will always remain handicapped. Truth hurts. Not always, not necessarily, but sometimes do, and then to realize, it’s the already manifested consequences I start to feel, what I was hiding myself from until now and maybe more practical a little uncomfortability than many years of self-limited sorrow.

Now, when I see a point within me, I sit down and write about it – no need to dance around, no one-two pages diary-style long story first, then being able to get to the ‘real deal’ but with practice, becomes more direct – I look into me and if I see a point, I start writing about it. It’s a skill and as all other skills, it develops with lot’s of practice by actually doing it.

I think public schools should give much more opportunity for the students to write. To have effective writing skills, to have the ability to explore what’s inside our minds with common sense.
Although this has not yet been done, so we have to recognize the opportunity here and actually do it.

I am grateful that I write since some years, encouraged by Desteni community and I always want to write more, and that’s my personal reflection on this that why don’t I write more if I want, what is the reason accepting myself not writing as much as it would be supportive? So then I reflect back – consistency is a key here: when I would go into emotional storms – beforehand to decide to sit down and go through the points and remain stable, calm, clean to be able to make the best decisions.

During emotional storms often it’s really difficult to even decide something else than acting out those compound energetic rushes, thus best cure is prevention. To recognize the pattern before participating – so then I have to understand how this pattern works, what is the trigger point and stop the domino before it goes to a complete fall.

It’s also recommended to start slowly and little by little to get to the pace which is doable for you without laying back.
There is an online course, which is free, what goes through an introduction of how to assist and support with daily writing, it’s called Desteni I Process Lite. There are lessons, also little assignments, what real persons, who walk this process themselves since a while, will read and reflect back with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into inner resistances to get to know myself, to understand myself to the specifics, to be able to make better decisions, to support myself more and within that experience, not question the nature, the reason and the trigger points of such resistance.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within my mind there are lots of definitions, word-relationships create a certain personality design what I might not be aware of to the utmost specificity, and within that, to trust my personality, my reasoning, my reactions, my desires and fears without recognizing the possibility that I am wrong, I am not honest with myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense within walk a process to become honest with myself to understand myself more and to take responsibility for any self-dishonesty I reveal by to understand how I’ve created, still participate within and also how to be able and actually how I am going to stop it to the point of being able to do it actually and change.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that any addiction, phobia, fear, overwhelming desire can be investigated, decomposed and to see if it’s really supporting me and if not to be able to stop it with consistent application of self-honesty through writing and opening up, understanding the words, my relationship to the words and also by re-defining the words to support myself directly and within self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that pushing myself through resistances to become intimate and honest with myself is something I can learn by actually doing it and if a resistance persist, I also can decompose that resistance to the point of ‘pulling out it’s teeth’ and to understand that certain resistance is also self-made, brick by brick, and the same way I can dissolve it and continue with the process of self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that what I persist resists, thus to give into any resistance only means that it will become more solid the next time until eventually I make my decision and stand, commitment and movement to walk through it and to see the gift waiting hidden behind that wall within myself.

Day 281 – VLOG: Process update/share

talaprocessupdate-2016-08-31Sharing some points I’ve been walking within self-realization recently and also talking about practical common sense in regarding to real self-change within understanding.

Unleash Self with understanding and transcending self-limitation.
Be response-able and be LIFE.
Do not accept fear or not understanding what’s going on.
Investigate SELF, the World and Existence.

Facebook: http://facebook.com/talamonlife

Self-support:
http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Self-education:
http://eqafe.com

SOUL:
http://schoolofultimateliving.com

Day 266 – Music re-alignment

musicaTaking responsibility for the self-dishonesty I’ve opened up within my last post in regarding to how I used music – not always, but often.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use music as trigger point to re-live and re-react to my past experiences and memories in order to occupy myself and not be consistent here within each breath equally without questioning why do I really act like that, beyond the conviction and justification of ‘feeling good by listening my favorite music collection’.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself in terms of I’ve created relationships with my past experiences, how and what I’ve defined within those moments and defined myself to always react the same way, or even if I would change in regarding to how I would react to the specific memory, that is not by decision and self-direction, but based on another reaction to another specific memory or experience and thus basically giving myself up to being triggered to react the same way whenever my mind or circumstances dictate.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the possibility and actuality of my mind deciding things ‘behind’ my awareness, wherein if I would really slow down in those moments and be absolutely here within and as the physical and not got lost in the mind, I could see that it is actually being done by my consent and permission and that is the responsibility point I have to take and embrace.

I forgive myself that I have not really considered to investigate, find out and actually realize and live the body presence physical awareness required to be able to observe myself as the mind, as thoughts, feelings, emotions, reactions, memories, definitions, judgments and convictions, because exactly being constantly and consistently occupied with those within myself.

I forgive myself that I have not admitted that I am not the director and creator of my life, because of the already manifested patterns, acceptances and actual word-based self-definitions, which by I am at the mercy of circumstances, my environment, my conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind, thus existing within self-separation based on the conviction that this is who I am and this is life and this is what I must improve, evolve, develop and protect as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that by defining a specific memory and experience based on my interest, my perception and experiences, I am becoming subjective, which if I take granted, especially if I am using my already existing self-definitions of my ego mind rule system; therefore I should question the authority within myself, which is being applied apparently and admittedly automatically without I am really being aware of, therefore here is this aspect, part of me, who I am not aware of, I do not know, I do not feel, I do not see, I do not experience, I do not live and direct, but existing separately from my actual experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I have defined the personality, the energetic experiences and self-definitions, the polarity of positive and negative judgments of actions and reactions within me without realizing that this is completely self-made up, therefore whatever I experience based on these self-definitions, judgments, opinions is merely delusional, therefore to take these seriously means I do exist as self-created imagination.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I define how I feel, what I must do, how I must react based on the self-definitions and memories, experiences, convictions of how I decided to be defined in my past and still remaining so, – then I am living a lie, which is not who I really am, what is actually right HERE in and as the physical reality, shared with all others around me equally, what I accept and choose to disregard when relying to my mind, therefore if I act and react to re-establish, re-experience, re-react to these self-definitions and memories, then I am denying and escaping from what is here, I am existing within fear, which I might not know or even know of what I fear from, resulting to turn my back to actual reality and not wanting to face because of something I again – do know or do not know, but within that I can already see that I can reveal all of me if I decide and direct myself, thus if I do not know myself, do not live myself, do not free myself, do not express myself, then I am not life, but manifested consequences of programmed organic systems based on fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I really-really look into myself as deeply as possible, as honestly as possible, I can actually see/realize/understand everything I react of how and why I am who I am today, therefore I actually can take responsibility for all I exist currently as.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can stop accepting who I am based on the experiences and memories I have and naturally if I do not actually stand up as this realization in this moment, in the next moment as of this breath I take and the next one I will take – I am in fact existing within fear, which if I do not admit, then I fear from admitting existing within fear for not another reason but fear and thus in fact who I am is starting point of fear.

I forgive myself that I have never considered to realize that what I fear from is also myself which I did not yet embrace but wanting to separate from the experience and expression of myself and actually ending up manifesting it internally or externally and literally becoming it.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the exact specific points I am experiencing by the specific music collection I play and react to, as realizing that the details hold the key for understanding and the way to forgiveness and change.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve developed a relationship with emotional energy resonating within my mind and physical body which I feel that I need to have, experience, re-create and even refine and evolve as the self-accepted addiction to the energetic experiences, what are actually required to keep the self-delusion of definitions and rules, which is to cover fear.

I forgive myself that I have not admitted the mistakes I made, the ones I already am aware of as those were mistakes but never really understood what would be a real, actual change from that stance where I still feel myself being related to within my mind as reactions; and also those mistakes I did not realize what I made due to complete and consistent occupation within the mind, memories, reactions as believing that is who I am and not admitting that I would be really scared and scattered without those systematic manifestations within me constantly whispering me of who I must perceive myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the traumas I experienced and defined during my childhood and university years and the specific music songs I listened back there, I linked these two and automatically, involuntarily without really embracing myself and my past and remaining here within awareness and principle to recognize that I was not present then, thus giving into the energetic experience of feelings and emotions, just like I did back there, thus re-playing the same program over and over again without changing, only accumulating acceptance and permission to not change this as who I perceive myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I given permission to my mind as the systematic representation of who I accepted myself to manifest as, to utilize memory and word programming to trigger emotions to experience and energize specific personality within my mind in order to balance out the delusion of religion of self who I created myself to be, equated within as a system, integrated into the world system without really being aware of the consequences.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself that I accepted not to listen and feel literally the music itself when playing specific songs, tracks, but focusing to the reactions automatically seeing myself experiencing them and then defining that this is all right and acceptable, meanwhile not realizing that I am just reacting, not really listening the music here as the sound and my beingness does not resonate here as equal as one.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be self-honest with myself to be able to recognize when I am not honest with myself and be really myself as beingness HERE in and as awareness and self expression, but only lost within consciousness systems, programmed and exposed to rules, regulations, triggers and automatic definitions to always tell me what I see, feel, how I should react and act without realizing that I am not the director here, because I am not fully aware and absolutely self-honest about what I really do is what is best for all and within not being certain within that, already indicating that I am not really aware, thus I should question my responsibility of is it only self-interest or really aligned with all of existence.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and define that when I experienced pain mentally and emotionally during my times from where I defined specific songs as meaning and compressed trigger points to those memories, that those songs I like, because of being great music, but in fact I defined to like those for the trigger, reaction and experience I can re-live with those.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit and acknowledge that within those moments I held onto anger and shame at the same time and did not forgive myself for still accepting that within myself, because never looked really into myself to open up and reveal and re-align myself within the specific understanding of what was the dishonesty which I deliberately chose to avoid pain and suffering, even if not realizing that the consequence will be actually the exact same thing I was trying to avoid, manifesting suppressed layers within me, becoming self-definition and self-limitation without being aware of it while also not realizing that it is undermining and sabotaging my trust, integrity, self-honesty and stability.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that I was ashamed of myself of losing myself and falling into emotional storms, such as falling into love to someone to the degree of not even seeing the other, not even experiencing myself here, but only this feeling, this burning desire, fear, pain, of losing it and by doing so, being ashamed of myself as human being yet completely being compelled to these energetic experiences, their intensity and after all, defining this as my life, therefore who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not admitted that within my past I had so much anger towards the system and people who I perceived as beautiful, successful, rich and powerful, because I wanted to have the same but I felt like I could not, therefore I wanted to disregard it all, defining it as despicable and myself as noble, special, just to keep myself together, even if it means to re-create such experience of righteousness, which required lot of re-and re-thinking and emotional triggering, reaction-storms and constant conflict and turmoil within myself, resulting to equate out the perceived energetic wave-storm, what I defined as who I am while becoming addicted to this energetic movements, rushes and not realizing that these are sucking out the actual life force from my human physical body, making it exhausted, aged, sick and manifesting more layered information, systems and separation as consequence.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become angry and doubtful, spiteful and dishonest with myself by accepting the fact what I experienced in regarding to myself that I could not trust in myself, I could not direct myself due to the exposure of automatic thought-energy-emotion-feeling roller-coaster I experienced constantly within my mind, which from I wanted to escape, and using energy, reactions to accumulate such intensity for trying to get free of myself, while not realizing that the solution is not escape, separation or exclusion, suppression or destruction, but embracing, facing, taking responsibility and becoming aware of all words, definitions, patterns, reactions, trigger points, constructs to the utmost specificity without being influenced by my past automatically and directing myself to stop and re-define, change.

I forgive myself that I have not admitted that I do not remain always, constantly and consistently here within and as this moment and the next, because of fear of letting go, fear of facing the unknown, fear from fear itself and facing the inevitable consequences.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be fully here when emotions rise within me and to see what they are actually during listening music and living myself here through and as the physical body as presence and to see that emotions are in fact empty and conditioned, and if I rely on to define myself to be and give permission to automatically move me, then I am self-dishonest, because I exist within a relationship with the definition of energetic experience, and by that relationship through the mind – I am separated, therefore enslaved by circumstances, conditions, and within that there is no self-expression, only cause and effect.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I defined emotional storms as good within me because fueling me to feel a lot of energy, which defined as intensity, which defined as being alive, because of this movement of energy within me, but not realizing that meanwhile I am not moving actually, and even if I act upon this experience, it’s not self-movement, but being influenced, moved by the accumulated energetic self-definition activation of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that music can be experienced and lived through my empty, clear, fully present beingness and allowing it, directing myself to live myself, the resonance, the sound, to feel it with all of myself and embrace it and to exist without definition, polarity of good and bad, comparison of past, categorization – nothing of those, but simply be here undefined, unified, whole and whenever I see inner reaction, energetic movement with thoughts, emotions, feelings arising from myself, it is clear that I am giving into energetic temptation and not facing what is fully here, which indicates fear, so then I look at the source within myself and see the self-dishonesty for I take responsibility for to stop.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit to myself that whenever I accept and react to thoughts, feelings, emotions move and wave within me and do not stand up to stop it as myself here, then that means I have no directive power, therefore I am not living fully here, but as manifested consequence acting out the past.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that whenever I go into the mind to have reactions of positive and negative, it is based on a fear of not wanting to, not being able to face myself and the creation of self here, therefore to take refugee within any polarity based self-definition construct is self-dishonesty, thus the common sense is to become aware of the exact pattern and to stand up and not give into the reaction, let it go, re-align here with and as the physical and make the stand and find practical ways to change myself, explore what is beyond this pattern of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I was existing within constant and consistent fear and to hide that I’ve defined ways to entertain myself and go on energetic roller-coaster experiences to have a sense of movement, a sense of choice, but in fact I am not directing, I am being moved by accepted consequences, for what I have to make the stand eventually.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I used music to occupy myself and distract myself from facing what is here as who I am and whenever experiencing silence and quietness, I would feel uncomfortable, boring, therefore wanting to stimulate myself in order to cheer myself up, to do something and not realizing that the very experience of uncomfortability from being with myself here and the experience of boredom indicates suppression and resistance and fear, which should be investigated, worded down and forgiven specifically and commit myself to stop participating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use music to intensify the experience I have by feeling like it is pushing me and moving me, to go faster within experiences in my mind and not realizing that it is separating myself from here, physical presence awareness and direction, because the mind apparently can be faster, but in fact it’s not real movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that music is the way/a way to liberation and by listening it to be tuned for awakening and awareness and not realizing that projecting out desires, definitions and expectations without being aware of doing so, therefore not recognizing that having energetic experiences based on reactions to self-defined relationship of words is a program, not awakening or awareness, but relying to the past, based on a pattern, what I’ve defined as who I am, but in fact who I really am is behind that pattern.

I commit myself to decompose all memories, reactions, word relationships, self-definitions to music to let go all the past from my mind, body, beingness and to un-learn all those energetic reactions and to find practical ways to remain always here within presence without any mind-construct to be used for embracing, listening, enjoying and playing music.

I commit myself to forgive all the self-accepted relationships I defined according to music and the values I’ve given into specific patterns and types, parts, styles within music by identifying with definitions of ‘this is my style’, ‘this is what I like’ or ‘this is what I do not like’ based on experiences in the past, my energetic reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions had in the past and still re-living those in case of hearing the specific music track or style, therefore in those moments I let it all go, and I breathe, and re-align to remain here and to see what’s actually here.

I commit myself to stop defining intensity as value within music and defining who I am according to the intensity of music I hear and feeling like if it’s not intense, brutal, straightforward, blunt, ‘kickass’, then defining it as just ‘chill’ and nothing special, and within that categorizing as not so interesting, not my style, not really for enjoying as party, but only as something ‘understated’, just because it’s slower or less explosive.

I commit myself to stop defining that I only like specific genres of music and to see what is beyond types and genres and what I can simply embrace and enjoy, create and play without any definition or judgement.

I commit myself to stop using music as triggering past memories, experiences, emotions, feelings, thoughts; letting all go and when listening to music, really opening myself up and directing myself to be empty and feel it literally without any polarity or judgement, comparison or category.
I see opening up many points beyond this, such as the points I resist during playing, creating and writing music.
Another point I see is that the automatic judgement system is ‘loosened up’, which by I stood before as who I believed myself to be, which by I determined what music is ‘good’ and ‘bad’, based on my personality. I always knew, that it’s subjective, but by walking these points here I have a better understanding of specific type of preferences of my past, which turned out to be eventually as self-limitation, because I conditioned myself to NOT explore, embrace, listen and actually enjoy moments when I was exposed to music I pre-defined as ‘not cool’, which is not common sense.
It does not mean I have to be able to enjoy all music, but who I am and how I am and should not change based on conditions.

It’s important to be able to not mix these things up – who I am and what I experience, because if I define myself based on this moment in the next one, then I can ‘stuck’. Being aware of the facts does not necessarily means I should accept myself as how things are for the rest of my life, but it’s the way to be able to align myself with a practically liveable principle, what can support to remain consistent and stable.

Many people worry and judge principles as those can really limit and degrade humans, as I was such too, until did not realize that I can re-define a principle what does not limit me and aligns me with what I stand for, which is what is best for all.

Many can start arguing that there is no such thing as ‘best for all’, but in fact it is and those who don’t understand it are still in the process of realizing it. It’s really an ego-crusher if we really consider it – am I absolutely sure and honest about stating something like that “I am certain, there is no such thing, I’ve investigated everything, studied, tested, cross-referenced EVERYTHING in existence and here I stand as fully confident“?

For me, music is something what can be seen through this simple principle – what and how is the best way to stand in relation to music to support myself and all the best way possible?

To not go back to the past all the time, to not repeat the same energetic reactions in my mind, meanwhile having problems in real time, waiting for me, from which I decide to be distracted from or emotionally charged up to activate a personality with what I THINK that I will be more capable to deal with – is it really the best way to approach problems or can I find a more practical way?

Also to recognize, that the values which by I define music as ‘worthy spending time with’ was based on emotional relationships with memories and things I did or not did – and it was less about the music itself, so in fact I was just using music to trigger stuff in my mind.

By walking through the memories, the points I defined as extremely intense and difficult, I see/realize and understand that I do not need to remain as the same and I can change and let go fear, desire, I do not need to give up when facing resistances to become aware of points and if something is uncomfortable, I do not need to boost my moral with energy, but rather I can look, why it is difficult and how can I assist myself with practical common sense?

Also by listening music without going into memories, emotions by images, thoughts – I can really embrace and feel music – and that is also really cool – to be open, vulnerable and present.