Sometimes I find myself being stopped doing the things usually am enthusiastic/motivated about.
Almost would be identified as getting bored – or blocked.
When this mind state is not active, I am always eager to do those activities, such as creating or learning something(walking the mind consciousness system correction, learning or playing music, researching technology, video-making, etc).
Instead of those, I just want to entertain, which is not even really true.
What contradicts with this is that I usually have no much ‘free time’ to do the things I like to do and with this state, it is pretty obvious that I am kind of wasting my time on things what are not really relevant.
It even occurs to me that I am being harsh on myself and so rarely taking it easy that it feels like being suppressed, and once it’s too often – then it needs to be done for a while to get fullfilled. Meaning to do nothing? Something like that. But it’s deeper than that. There are trigger points, reactions what invoke this state.
Well, in general, my attitude to doing nothing is that it’s defined as bad, thus I should not do it.
I got a cold, my head kind of feels heavy and sneezing and got wet nose all day, so what felt comfortable today was mostly watching movies or videos and having multiple daytime sleeps.
And now feeling kind of bad that night is coming, I am tired doing nothing and wasted a day not doing the things I usually do.
This happened before, not once, so definitely a pattern, thus this self-introspection is what I do about it.
I am not worried about that my hobbies are not true or real, as before, because in the past happened – I did not want to touch the music instruments and I thought – this must mean all my passion for learning and doing music was fake, self-dishonest.
I also note to self – hobbies, activities, enthusiasms, passion, commitments, fun, expansion – various definitions to things I justify worth spending time and effort with in daily basis.
I do not say that now all is exposed and these activities are not real or me, it’s just still strange that I am not consistent and it raises the question, is it okay or not, am I dishonest or not – and if the question comes, it means I am not certain that if I am not dishonest.
Yesterday crystalized a realization that I lack discipline, I need to work on that, redefine it, unlearn some patterns in relation to it.
And today I feel having total lack of discipline.
Indeed, I also feel sick and want to recover as fast as I can, and in these situations I usually rest more, do not drink coffee or tea(only herbs), so I am not that focused on what I do as with those I can.
I have listed the things I want to ‘progress with’, just for myself.
Obviously most of them is difficult or its a long term process and not really effective or even possible to do when being ill – so then why feeling bad when stopping for a day?
Because it’s not self-directed, no self-agreement, clarity – it rather happens and feeling no control, that’s why the doubt in those things, in myself and not being able to tell if this is okay or not.
Writing down this really assisted as all seems ‘back on track’ – after morning shower it was natural to grab the guitar and continue with my usual practice schedules.
Instead of inflating a space in my mind, allowing thoughts of doubt and judgement, it’s clear that this can happen, next time will investigate further or even being able to prevent myself going into the same pattern.
Today spent some time under bright, warm sun and my illness was reduced – so tonight was great to have a coffee and continue with the music learning, playing and this writing.
I keep telling to individuals, who face challenges that writing with the starting point of being absolute honest with oneself(or thriving on developing that ability) can really support with stabilization and accumulation of practical understanding of problems and thus solutions too.
For instance by looking back to yesterday’s writing(beginning of this post) – it’s clear to me that some of those activities I used to self-define myself, some quite automatically, thus to doubt myself doing those seem quite placed, yet that self-questioning should not manifest within emotional, worry- and doubt-based distracting and quite unpleasant experiences.
Rather to provide opportunity to ask and answer to myself, literally explore intimacy by becoming honest with myself without any extra layer, personality or pretending.
There was this TV series, Lucifer – mentioned here before – one of his ‘abilities’ was to be able to ask anyone ‘What do you desire truly’ – and people just dropped their act and answered him – imagine that ability with self, all the time.
At first consideration this is always the case – ‘I always know what I really, truly want’ – in this moment to eat, then in the next moment to find a lady, in the next moment, get money, then get a job, then get a car, then get this and that, watch this movie, that TV series – these all seem absolutely self-honest at first sight, but once one dares to scratch the surface, many things in our life can become quite bipolar – in a way – absolutely, but on the other hand – not really.
Temptation is a funny thing. Just recently, I saw an advertisement about an used synth, it’s really great deal, I know a friend, and also a famous musician using that instrument on stage and all of a sudden I have this compulsion that I NEED THAT INSTRUMENT! I checked reviews, plays, samples, documentation, forums and it’s obviously great deal, I was really feeling it – then I considered my current situation and realized, it is not really necessary – would be fun and cool, maybe later even could become a really great value to me in terms of using and benefiting with it, but at the moment, it just would make me feel great for a while.
But until the decision to look at it with common sense – I was so convinced.
I actually enjoy this ability – to review – it’s like when I spend a day with a cool lady and then all of a sudden I feel defined – I am in love – wow – and then I let this experience go, enjoy as it lasts and dissipates – and next day I can explore other things with this person – not saying feeling or defining experiences of attraction is bad – just it’s great to realize – it’s just an experience and to see what’s beyond.
Same with all kinds of desire – for an item or a person – but if I am honest with myself – I can see how I created this experience – and that’s responsibility – based on the context, situation and reality to see if it’s supportive/beneficial/practical.
I am aware of that many people just LOVE the idea of ‘falling in love’ suddenly, unexpectedly and it feels magical, especially when it’s mutual – it’s like people desire to have that kind of desire and almost as they hope for it and when it comes, it’s just no questions asked, jumping into it type of situation.
In this sense – to see of my ‘activities’ with what I want to have the experience of progressing, expanding with – am I doing the best potential or am I simply pleasing myself by following my desires without reality context.
And as I look through my list – it’s not really about any of those would be ‘not honest choice, thus should be dropped’ – but simply prioritizing is just as important as picking topics to do.
What I see as doubt in regarding to prioritizing is that some things I want to do are more difficult and sometimes unconsciously ‘getting’ less priority, than they should.
As for instance I started to write an article about a topic I investigated and found to be relevant to share my realizations about, yet around 70%, I postponed it and since almost 2 months did not continue – yet it’s in my mind whenever considering to do something with ‘free time’ – and is it a burden or an annoyance? Is it my decision, commitment or discipline – and in regarding to these and the article – who am I living these words truly honestly to myself?
Relevant to note, it’s great to question and deduct myself from time to time, but need to have a structured, practical and reliable way to support practical understanding and growth on studying and expanding with self-honesty and developing clarity and consistency.
That’s how I find the Desteni I Process course and Writing Self-honesty blog within the Journey to Life process as the greatest pillar within assisting and supporting my expansion of practical awareness.
To get to know the basic components of the human mind, how those are operating, recognizing them within my daily word usage, within thoughts, spoken words or in living action – it’s exceptional to understand more, to see how and why I am created the way I behave today and if something I become aware of that could be better – provides effective ways to support practical change.
I am just going to work on my homework/assignment within that specific course’s current lesson’s assignment I am busy with these days.
There are points in my current life what require a bit more attention to re-align and change, and thus it’s just a specific enjoyment to realize – I trust myself within this that I am changing myself from doubt and judgments to clarity and responsibility.
This post opened up a lot of points. Let’s close it with some realizations.
- When and as I am ill and sick – look back how was my latest experiences, reactions, what might triggered the imbalance within me, my body and wholeness, health to shake and how I feel, experience, define or judge myself in regarding to anything I am not proud of, clear about or feeling not being absolutely honest about.
- When and as I note that I am ill, sick, physically or cognitively, mentally or emotionally less firm, I recognize the necessity to find ways to rest, not to push myself but to recover and find other ways to express self-movement than the usual ways what require more focus, strength and endurance, such as work on being present, bring myself to the center of my beingness presence, breathe in and out with self-expression and let go any judgement, emotional reaction about my state and if makes sense, making notes to future breakdown of patterns, decomposition of mind-constructs to correct and forgive.
- When and as I am feeling weaker physically, I realize, I need to rest more and not focus on wanting to push myself then, but committing myself to be able to do as such once I recover, and make sure working on removing the resistances to that, working on establishing consistency within self-direction and self-trust by applying the tools of self-forgiveness, self-correction and self-commitment.
- When and as I feel compelled to buy or do something, I realize its a conviction, an emotional pulse, which justifies to not consider my location, situation, reality within awareness, and I should breathe and see what’s really practical and what not.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized to have the tendency to want to have this writing to be full and complete and within it the compulsion to ride the moment because its here, and this is because I do not trust myself that I will keep writing this within consistency.
This is something related to also the psychedelic drug habits I had, as this moment is special, I need to do until I am in this state, as this state is not self-created, directed, but occurred to me due to circumstances caused by myself or something else, but indirectly, and within that not realizing that I am animated by energy, not self – thus will not be consistent and the common sense to decompose the pattern and source of that energetic reaction in my mind and take decision myself.
- When and as I worry that I do have to ride this moment until it lasts, I realize – this is something I can do anytime, and if I really wish to, yet resisting it, then I have to work on the resistance first to be able to decompose and walk through, and within that to realize that not energetic reactions, such as growing frustration of self-created anger due to judging myself still existing within self-limitation is the way, but by understanding my own prison in my mind and brick by brick, bar by bar removing my own walls and cages with specificity of awareness of how and why I have created these.
- When and as I question my priorities in my life, activities I daily, monthly or weekly participate within, I realize, first to stop reacting with emotions, stop the fear and doubt, by seeing it’s source and forgive myself for accepting such virtue and then to be able to see what is common sense within my own life and how to establish direct and honest self-communication with myself on what is doable, what is walk-able in mid-and long term and who I am as life to commit this living breath to live as.
- When and as I remind myself on things, activities, commitments, projects I have started yet did not continue or finish, I stop judging myself, stop defining myself but bringing myself here with empty and directive mind as breathing awareness presence direction to decide what to do about it and then live that decision and if any resistance coming up to live that decision, then deal with it, write about it, walk the timeline and self-forgiveness process necessary.
- When and as I find myself to wait for my direction and will to return, I realize, it is not something I can wait for, or if something makes me direct, then it is not direct self-honest movement, thus I am compromised by the separation I exist from that ability to initiate and move with and as that decision, and thus it is to decompose that pattern which I give permission to automatically control me.
- When and as I am waiting for feeling better, energized or disciplined, I realize that if something comes by waiting, it is not directly me, thus I need to focus on catching myself accumulating energetic reactions, thoughts, feelings and emotions to see how I am indirectly manipulate myself to be moved, and thus being subjected to forces outside of my self-will and direction within me consistently.