Day 377 – Fall out from movement

P1020217Sometimes I find myself being stopped doing the things usually am enthusiastic/motivated about.
Almost would be identified as getting bored – or blocked.
When this mind state is not active, I am always eager to do those activities, such as creating or learning something(walking the mind consciousness system correction, learning or playing music, researching technology, video-making, etc).

Instead of those, I just want to entertain, which is not even really true.

What contradicts with this is that I usually have no much ‘free time’ to do the things I like to do and with this state, it is pretty obvious that I am kind of wasting my time on things what are not really relevant.

It even occurs to me that I am being harsh on myself and so rarely taking it easy that it feels like being suppressed, and once it’s too often – then it needs to be done for a while to get fullfilled. Meaning to do nothing? Something like that. But it’s deeper than that. There are trigger points, reactions what invoke this state.

Well, in general, my attitude to doing nothing is that it’s defined as bad, thus I should not do it.

I got a cold, my head kind of feels heavy and sneezing and got wet nose all day, so what felt comfortable today was mostly watching movies or videos and having multiple daytime sleeps.
And now feeling kind of bad that night is coming, I am tired doing nothing and wasted a day not doing the things I usually do.

This happened before, not once, so definitely a pattern, thus this self-introspection is what I do about it.

I am not worried about that my hobbies are not true or real, as before, because in the past happened – I did not want to touch the music instruments and I thought – this must mean all my passion for learning and doing music was fake, self-dishonest.
I also note to self – hobbies, activities, enthusiasms, passion, commitments, fun, expansion – various definitions to things I justify worth spending time and effort with in daily basis.

I do not say that now all is exposed and these activities are not real or me, it’s just still strange that I am not consistent and it raises the question, is it okay or not, am I dishonest or not – and if the question comes, it means I am not certain that if I am not dishonest.

Yesterday crystalized a realization that I lack discipline, I need to work on that, redefine it, unlearn some patterns in relation to it.

And today I feel having total lack of discipline.

Indeed, I also feel sick and want to recover as fast as I can, and in these situations I usually rest more, do not drink coffee or tea(only herbs), so I am not that focused on what I do as with those I can.

I have listed the things I want to ‘progress with’, just for myself.

Obviously most of them is difficult or its a long term process and not really effective or even possible to do when being ill – so then why feeling bad when stopping for a day?

Because it’s not self-directed, no self-agreement, clarity – it rather happens and feeling no control, that’s why the doubt in those things, in myself and not being able to tell if this is okay or not.

Next morning

Writing down this really assisted as all seems ‘back on track’ – after morning shower it was natural to grab the guitar and continue with my usual practice schedules.

Instead of inflating a space in my mind, allowing thoughts of doubt and judgement, it’s clear that this can happen, next time will investigate further or even being able to prevent myself going into the same pattern.

Today spent some time under bright, warm sun and my illness was reduced – so tonight was great to have a coffee and continue with the music learning, playing and this writing.

I keep telling to individuals, who face challenges that writing with the starting point of being absolute honest with oneself(or thriving on developing that ability) can really support with stabilization and accumulation of practical understanding of problems and thus solutions too.

For instance by looking back to yesterday’s writing(beginning of this post) – it’s clear to me that some of those activities I used to self-define myself, some quite automatically, thus to doubt myself doing those seem quite placed, yet that self-questioning should not manifest within emotional, worry- and doubt-based distracting and quite unpleasant experiences.
Rather to provide opportunity to ask and answer to myself, literally explore intimacy by becoming honest with myself without any extra layer, personality or pretending.

There was this TV series, Lucifer – mentioned here before – one of his ‘abilities’ was to be able to ask anyone ‘What do you desire truly’ – and people just dropped their act and answered him – imagine that ability with self, all the time.

At first consideration this is always the case – ‘I always know what I really, truly want’ – in this moment to eat, then in the next moment to find a lady, in the next moment, get money, then get a job, then get a car, then get this and that, watch this movie, that TV series – these all seem absolutely self-honest at first sight, but once one dares to scratch the surface, many things in our life can become quite bipolar – in a way – absolutely, but on the other hand – not really.

Temptation is a funny thing. Just recently, I saw an advertisement about an used synth, it’s really great deal, I know a friend, and also a famous musician using that instrument on stage and all of a sudden I have this compulsion that I NEED THAT INSTRUMENT! I checked reviews, plays, samples, documentation, forums and it’s obviously great deal, I was really feeling it – then I considered my current situation and realized, it is not really necessary – would be fun and cool, maybe later even could become a really great value to me in terms of using and benefiting with it, but at the moment, it just would make me feel great for a while.

But until the decision to look at it with common sense – I was so convinced.

I actually enjoy this ability – to review – it’s like when I spend a day with a cool lady and then all of a sudden I feel defined – I am in love – wow – and then I let this experience go, enjoy as it lasts and dissipates – and next day I can explore other things with this person – not saying feeling or defining experiences of attraction is bad – just it’s great to realize – it’s just an experience and to see what’s beyond.

Same with all kinds of desire – for an item or a person – but if I am honest with myself – I can see how I created this experience – and that’s responsibility – based on the context, situation and reality to see if it’s supportive/beneficial/practical.

I am aware of that many people just LOVE the idea of ‘falling in love’ suddenly, unexpectedly and it feels magical, especially when it’s mutual – it’s like people desire to have that kind of desire and almost as they hope for it and when it comes, it’s just no questions asked, jumping into it type of situation.

In this sense – to see of my ‘activities’ with what I want to have the experience of progressing, expanding with – am I doing the best potential or am I simply pleasing myself by following my desires without reality context.

And as I look through my list – it’s not really about any of those would be ‘not honest choice, thus should be dropped’ – but simply prioritizing is just as important as picking topics to do.

What I see as doubt in regarding to prioritizing is that some things I want to do are more difficult and sometimes unconsciously ‘getting’ less priority, than they should.

As for instance I started to write an article about a topic I investigated and found to be relevant to share my realizations about, yet around 70%, I postponed it and since almost 2 months did not continue – yet it’s in my mind whenever considering to do something with ‘free time’ – and is it a burden or an annoyance? Is it my decision, commitment or discipline – and in regarding to these and the article – who am I living these words truly honestly to myself?

Relevant to note, it’s great to question and deduct myself from time to time, but need to have a structured, practical and reliable way to support practical understanding and growth on studying and expanding with self-honesty and developing clarity and consistency.

That’s how I find the Desteni I Process course and Writing Self-honesty blog within the Journey to Life process as the greatest pillar within assisting and supporting my expansion of practical awareness.

To get to know the basic components of the human mind, how those are operating, recognizing them within my daily word usage, within thoughts, spoken words or in living action – it’s exceptional to understand more, to see how and why I am created the way I behave today and if something I become aware of that could be better – provides effective ways to support practical change.

I am just going to work on my homework/assignment within that specific course’s current lesson’s assignment I am busy with these days.

There are points in my current life what require a bit more attention to re-align and change, and thus it’s just a specific enjoyment to realize – I trust myself within this that I am changing myself from doubt and judgments to clarity and responsibility.

This post opened up a lot of points. Let’s close it with some realizations.

  • When and as I am ill and sick – look back how was my latest experiences, reactions, what might triggered the imbalance within me, my body and wholeness, health to shake and how I feel, experience, define or judge myself in regarding to anything I am not proud of, clear about or feeling not being absolutely honest about.
  • When and as I note that I am ill, sick, physically or cognitively, mentally or emotionally less firm, I recognize the necessity to find ways to rest, not to push myself but to recover and find other ways to express self-movement than the usual ways what require more focus, strength and endurance, such as work on being present, bring myself to the center of my beingness presence, breathe in and out with self-expression and let go any judgement, emotional reaction about my state and if makes sense, making notes to future breakdown of patterns, decomposition of mind-constructs to correct and forgive.
  • When and as I am feeling weaker physically, I realize, I need to rest more and not focus on wanting to push myself then, but committing myself to be able to do as such once I recover, and make sure working on removing the resistances to that, working on establishing consistency within self-direction and self-trust by applying the tools of self-forgiveness, self-correction and self-commitment.
  • When and as I feel compelled to buy or do something, I realize its a conviction, an emotional pulse, which justifies to not consider my location, situation, reality within awareness, and I should breathe and see what’s really practical and what not.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized to have the tendency to want to have this writing to be full and complete and within it the compulsion to ride the moment because its here, and this is because I do not trust myself that I will keep writing this within consistency.
    This is something related to also the psychedelic drug habits I had, as this moment is special, I need to do until I am in this state, as this state is not self-created, directed, but occurred to me due to circumstances caused by myself or something else, but indirectly, and within that not realizing that I am animated by energy, not self – thus will not be consistent and the common sense to decompose the pattern and source of that energetic reaction in my mind and take decision myself.
  • When and as I worry that I do have to ride this moment until it lasts, I realize – this is something I can do anytime, and if I really wish to, yet resisting it, then I have to work on the resistance first to be able to decompose and walk through, and within that to realize that not energetic reactions, such as growing frustration of self-created anger due to judging myself still existing within self-limitation is the way, but by understanding my own prison in my mind and brick by brick, bar by bar removing my own walls and cages with specificity of awareness of how and why I have created these.
  • When and as I question my priorities in my life, activities I daily, monthly or weekly participate within, I realize, first to stop reacting with emotions, stop the fear and doubt, by seeing it’s source and forgive myself for accepting such virtue and then to be able to see what is common sense within my own life and how to establish direct and honest self-communication with myself on what is doable, what is walk-able in mid-and long term and who I am as life to commit this living breath to live as.
  • When and as I remind myself on things, activities, commitments, projects I have started yet did not continue or finish, I stop judging myself, stop defining myself but bringing myself here with empty and directive mind as breathing awareness presence direction to decide what to do about it and then live that decision and if any resistance coming up to live that decision, then deal with it, write about it, walk the timeline and self-forgiveness process necessary.
  • When and as I find myself to wait for my direction and will to return, I realize, it is not something I can wait for, or if something makes me direct, then it is not direct self-honest movement, thus I am compromised by the separation I exist from that ability to initiate and move with and as that decision, and thus it is to decompose that pattern which I give permission to automatically control me.
  • When and as I am waiting for feeling better, energized or disciplined, I realize that if something comes by waiting, it is not directly me, thus I need to focus on catching myself accumulating energetic reactions, thoughts, feelings and emotions to see how I am indirectly manipulate myself to be moved, and thus being subjected to forces outside of my self-will and direction within me consistently.

Desteni I Process to master our minds

EQAFE for education about life and self-support


Day 350 – Intense realizations with body support

Sometimes when facing a deeper, unconscious self-dishonest pattern to be able to understand and stop, can have these intensified emotional and physical moments and experiences. Sharing about how I am dealing with it and supporting myself with body awareness and applying self-forgiveness to stop the self-dishonest patterns I have been existing as until now. talvlonov7

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Day 337 – Transform Shame into Change

img_1063Sharing Shame. Interesting concept, not the most common topic to share about, but it holds the key for self-Change.

I made a VLOG about shame recently, although it was a bit dark, but voice is clear.

Openly face Shame and to see how I can take responsibility for by understanding the details of my mindset, personalities, thoughts, feelings and emotions to be able to Forgive and Prevent myself to repeating the same mistakes – thus practically Change and stop be ashamed for what I am aware of as not self-honest, neither supporting me and/or others.

Everyone who has ever felt shame for anything should take responsibility for and own it, not suppress, hide or even being ashamed of shame.

I walk Self-forgiveness on what I have been, used to be and still can be ashamed of.

I open up not just that ‘I don’t like it, I don’t want it‘ – but to see how and why I did what then I felt ashamed of. The context, the starting point, the pattern is relevant here, the relationships and the self-definitions as well.
Equally so the thoughts(backchat, inner dialogue), feelings(positive reactions), emotions(negative reactions) – what supports deeper understanding, thus better practical, specific awareness of the whole story, which I can re-visit, write down, slow down within and cross-reference with common sense, self-honesty to be able to see/realize and understand, what I can and should do differently next time to assist and support myself and others around me.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of things, and then to accept that shame as a package, a part of me, and creating a victim role within it as the following: I’ve done this, did not do that, experienced and felt like this or that, and thus now I feel bad about it, I am ashamed, and it’s done already, nothing to do about it, it’s fact, written to reality, and I feel that this can’t change, thus it’s a splinter in my mind from now on.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse shame as not living the words but manipulating myself with them to have an excuse and justification of why not need to change, expand, understand and grow, because of what I have done already and how I feel ashamed about those, as it’s unchangeable as in the past and I am already in the future/present.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be ashamed when I should be, and be ashamed when I should not be and in overall simply not being aware of when I should be how.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within writing out ‘when I should be ashamed’ to react with doubt and judgement, thinking of ‘sounds not cool/supportive’ to consider when I should be ashamed, like it must be wrong to feel shame, as doing it when I have done something bad, therefore the idea of ‘should be ashamed’ I allowed the tendency to not look at, disregard, suppress.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within denying, disregarding, suppressing my relationship with shame, I am denying a part of myself, which then I try to disconnect with, thus I am giving away understanding, power and self.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the simple message of shame within myself, which is the need for changing myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized on how to assist and support myself within embracing shame to see what I need to change within myself and how to do it exactly within practical, tangible plan and action.
  • I forgive myself that I have not been able to directly see behind my own shame, because then I would see/realize/understand that I need to change, to change who I am, to walk into uncomfortable things I have allowed to manifest, to feel it, to face myself, to embrace and stop and then to apply the movement, the direction, the action I need to take to change myself, step by step, waking into the unknown, which can seem scary and as losing what I have.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within walking into unknown and change I keep focusing on what I can lose, instead of directly seeing what I am losing by not moving and changing, and also on how I could grow with this change, which as it is realized already: unknown.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist change by facing unknown, which I believe that can be bad, thus rather risking to accept how and who I am today, which I already realized it’s not ‘ideal’ or supportive, self-honest – and also it is what I am ashamed of — thus, risking not to change, not to move, not to explore of what is beyond my shame and dishonesty in order to protect of what I perceive having.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within resisting to change, having excuses and justifications to try to preserve and hold onto what I perceive having, while not realizing that what I seem to have are memories, personality patterns, physical objects, and from any of those I can not realize my utmost potential, although I understand that these can be of great support, I only expand when I take the leap of faith, faith within my self honesty and direct action.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist with shame in a relationship what I’ve also defined as shameful, meaning to have shame is reason to have shame, and not realizing that shame is just a word, and it’s meaning what animates people, thus if I re-define it, I can support myself to be better, self-honest and supportive for myself and others equally.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the support and power within decomposing meaning and patterns of words and then to re-align myself with re-defining those words with principle, self-honesty and integrity and committing myself to live that word in the way I decide to.

Shame – redefinition: when and as I feel and experience shame, I realize that there is a point within me what I am actually aware of as I am seeing that this is not self-honest, not honoring myself and others with, and I do not like it, I feel that I should be/act differently about it, thus I see the common sense to CHANGE myself, to INVESTIGATE, to REALIZE the points, the context, the reaction, the starting point about and around this word ‘shame’ and to work on preventing myself to ‘need to feel’ shame.

Example: I was ashamed that once I did beat up my dog, when I was kid and I felt like I could never forgive myself for what I have done, initiated by feeling hurt and being angry, I lost my presence and for decades I was ashamed of this, until I found is a serious course, with lot of work on self, but thus the result can also be profound, I really recommend it, I walk these courses since years and the change, stability, and increasing self-trust, self-direction is extraordinary) and it’s free, introductory course LITE and realized that I can forgive myself, I can stop being ashamed by:

I understand why I did what I did within it’s utmost specificity(how and why I was frustrated, bullied, abused as kid, felt powerless, insecure, etc)
How and why I will assist and support myself within similar situation to prevent myself to ‘lose myself’ and also to immediately become aware of what consequence I am about to manifest and realizing – ‘I’ve been there, it’s bad, I don’t go, I STOP’.
I commit myself to really not do it again, and if I am losing myself, having temptation to, fall back, etc – then I apply Self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-corrective statements and actually living it in action.

The same is to apply any kind of things one can be ashamed of: addiction, fear, body shape or actions one did in the past, etc.

Thus realize – shame is not bad, only becomes embarrassingly unbearable, if one remains within it – becomes it, instead of seeing what it is showing, a potential of self-honesty in physical living.

Day 307 – Anxiety/excitement separation

img_9036An interesting point opened up – I was about to go to a place with someone and I had this experience of anxiety and excitement at the same time. It was not even certain if it’s positive or negative, I guess it was neither and both at the same time. However it was not direct and directed by me, and I could not really just say stop, so started to look at what’s this
A 2 minute video about the experience:

When I experience and live through my mind, it’s a separation, not I am directing, not I am creating, not I am actually experiencing directly, but I deal with everything through my mind’s ‘interface’.

It’s a typical system within the mind – my mind: certainly – two parts of the opposite polarities, conflicting about it within, making me look inside, not the actual cause, but the consequence, the reactions, the experience.

So as I am excited with anticipation and anxious with worry at the same time and I am still drained towards the event/experience – and by actually doing so, realizing that it’s not about the place, not about the person I go with, but with my own mind-setup and reactions being triggered.

Even pretending to not being aware what I am doing – certainly yes – denying, procrastinating, distracting – to say no at a situation and to say yes in another – while even having the slightest doubt – resulting with emerging emotions and feelings rendering me actual dumb, in the sense of all self-trust, confidence and integrity I can ruin in a second – within me – in relation to myself – and from that point I am exposed to all of my still unresolved self-dishonesty. Secret desire – which I did not even admit to myself yet? Denied resistance, what I should take responsibility for to embrace?

Important to realize that within the path to absolute self-honesty – any mistake might seem as absolute self-dishonesty – so it’s to discipline, re-align and not to judge myself.

But if I rely to not push to my utmost potentials, just because ‘I will not judge myself’ – that’s again undermining self-trust and self-direction – resulting to wallow into more self-dishonesty deliberately, until I will stand up.

So it’s not just to realize that I am one with this experience, or I am equal with it – but if I am not one and equal with and as ‘it’, which means being aware of if to it’s utmost specificity, being able to direct it as myself – then that means I am not one and equal with it, thus existing within self-separation. That’s then another starting point and perspective to start investigate from.

My current point of anxiety/excitement originates from secret desires and resistances not being honest to myself about and then both being triggered, I am creating this friction within, which, even if it’s not cool experience, I don’t stop.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have a tendency to create friction within my mind by reacting to different things with different polarity extremes, like being excited and anxious about it at the same time and not realizing that desire and resistance I face at the same time and thus accepting to remain within self-separation, conflict without being able to remain directive, inner silent and to apply practical common sense.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that my excitement is also a form of fear, anxiety, as based on judgments, imagination, desire, definitions, polarity and energetic experiences, and within that form of expression, I am not trusting myself to directly face, experience, live and be in this event, situation, but to create anticipation and preconditioning in my mind and then with that already create an experience, strong enough to be influenced by, stimulated with, even when the actual event/situation/experience is here, thus actually living in the past, not allowing myself to fully embrace the moment – due to a lack of self-trust, which I do not want to admit, face, forgive and stop for a reason I am also not admitting.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am not aware of the self-dishonesty, distracting, conflicting mind-experiences, points I face, and within that trying to prove to myself why I am not powerful, responsible, capable, actually: willing to be able to stop and change and within that not realizing that try – actually exposing myself that it’s self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that whenever anxiety and excitement kicks in – I am being moved by my past, my judgments, and if I do not become aware fully of all of it’s(my) patterns, I will participate again, thus re-creating the past, stop changing, expanding, living.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can apply common sense of whenever I experience excitement to the degree of overwhelming me, or an anxiety, which also overwhelms me, or I can’t just stop, even if it should be practical – so that means if I can’t stop, when I want to – that means I have a problem, a conflict, a point to open up, understand, forgive and become aware of how to really stop it and give myself a chance to face and live experiences/events/situations without any emotion/feeling but to live the words.

Not to focus or seek the experience of joy, but to express and live, share and be the word enjoyment.

Quite a difference.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I have the experience of excitement AND anxiety at the same time, I have conflict within me which I do not understand, or never really looked to fully understand, and thus it’s influencing me the way which is not supporting me to be present, directive, to live words without positive or negative connotations.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that whenever I am excited to the point of overwhelming and when seeing within me that there is subject and object, it means am not directly living the word excitement, but through my mind, based on polarity, definitions, separation, thus it’s not the possibly fullest potential of me.

I forgive myself that I have not understood why it’s my fullest potential to experience, live and be without my mind’s definitions, reactions, polarity and believing that emotions and feelings are key to feel, and express myself, meanwhile those are actually limited consequences of my self-defined mind-experiences, based on another experiences I had before.

When and as I experience overwhelming excitement and/or anxiety – I slow down – I breathe, I let everything go and to see if I can stop it, as myself, as equal as one – breathe in, stop, breathe out – continue stopping, not going anywhere in my mind, but be present, stopping, being here.

When and as I can’t stop an anxiety/excitement within myself, I start to apply self-forgiveness written/and-or aloud, to find out what’s I am still separated from within my current awareness, which thus I cannot embrace, become equal and one to be able to stop – and within that finding, also understanding why it happened, how.

When and as I experience resistance/denial/excuse why not to explore to the utmost specificity an anxiety, an excitement, I realize that it’s fear – which as I give into will grow, while my self-trust reduces, thus I have to make a stand and push through the resistance – and if it’s not doable, then focus to the resistance itself, word it, work with it, until it’s walkable through, then continue to work with the excitement/anxiety.

Stopping the mind is not a new thing – this concept exists quite some time – eastern and western cultures, education, documents, scriptures often mention it, but it should not be tainted with anything of belief.
It should be practical common sense, no magic, no rituals, no belief whatsoever.

The human mind consciousness is not magic and it seems to be beyond human comprehension, it’s because of self-dishonesty. That should be re-mediated first and then the door will be open real understanding without being biased with our own personal agenda and past.

Day 272 – Why Presence?


Something I always tried to push myself into, or explode myself out to and eventually realizing that it is something what only can be accumulated with stable, constant and consistent self-direction here, in and as the physical.

By releasing the delusions of perception of superiority of consciousness and the self-righteousness of trusting and listening to, following and being subjected to thoughts, I start to see the energy in my mind, which animates me, what defines me, what has this false purpose and reasoning, which can be decomposed, understood, realized and purified from my living with actual presence here.

The expression of ‘who I am is what is here’ is more profound than most of the humans can conceive and the actual truth is hidden in plain sight as all the things I do not know is also here, right in front of my eyes, but when I am constantly busy, distracted and completely occupied with the self-induced, self-accepted judgments, reactions and energetic experiences, then I am not able to grasp how my mind actually works.

The surprise is that the more I am actually giving up from the personality, self-definitions, the obligation to participate within thoughts, feelings and emotions, the more present and free I can become.

Then I am less automatic, which might seem as more uncomfortable, because it means I have to be present and really aware at the situations, moments, experiences and actions what I previously defined as mundane, avoidable, uncomfortable or even horrible – and that self-protection, what actually turned out to become completely justified self-interest, regardless of how I labelled it.

Especially imperative to realize that the actual self-abdication I’ve participated within during ‘abandoning’ my direct presence within those self-labelled mundane/avoidable/uncomfortable/horrible situations and experiences did not really liberate me from all the energetic reactions of my self-acceptance and actual suppression of standing up to what is not good, but only supported the evolution of the mind and the religion of self, within which I deliberately perfected the self-delusion about how things are and what is really going on and actually why.

The very idea of seeking the truth and finding answers is the actual and obvious reflection of how truly and vastly lost we can be within our mind consciousness experiences, thus the re-definition and re-alignment from consciousness to awareness is a practical common sense decision I dedicate my existence to as honouring life within myself and all equally.

I did not yet find the ‘end’ or ‘limitation’ to presence, wherein I could truly and absolutely self-honestly state out with all of my cells completely unified expressing that: I am HERE.

The more I stop the participation within the pattern of my mind, the less I am occupied with distractions and reactions ‘making me’ short-sighted within self-realization, thus the recognition and decomposition of my existing relationships with all the words I react to, use and express is the best practical way to start accumulating practical understanding of who I am.

It’s a fascinating process and the more I empty my mind, the more I can embrace of what is going on here, within myself, within my body and around me as well. The less I participate and react to thoughts, the more I can discover about things as how they are without my preconceived judgments.

Not to judge, not to self-define with what I see, realize and understand, but keep decomposing, releasing and forgiving for what I have accepted and allowed and keep exploring and expressing and unifying myself with this physical presence in and as my human body as the expression of life as equal as one without judgement, without desire and without fear, but to directly live, share and express.

Every day I discover something new, just within my human physical body, how the blood flows through my veins, feeling the breath, at nostrils, the sound of it, the muscles, feel of the gravity, the weight, the air on my skin, it’s a vast array of impression here in every moment, which can be so easily dismissed while becoming angry at something(which is in fact always of myself for something actually) or becoming obsessed with what I want or not want, meanwhile not realizing that I only move within limited patterns, determined and suggested by my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

To give up thinking people might believe I mean ‘critical thinking’ or ‘common sense’, which I certainly not, but rather to stop listening to the inner conversations, the backchat, which is just to justify something self-interested and then to react to it with positive or negative energetic reactions, to use the thoughts to process and conclude things, based on my past judgments and get boosted up, convinced or completely disturbed by something which is absolutely imaginary.

Yet, many people can recognize and imagine the advantages to be able to just turn off thoughts when becoming annoying or distracting, or even for someone to stop the really creepy and dreadful thoughts entering their minds – and also within many profession or sport: – it’s really important to be able to turn thoughts off, for instance while driving a sport car or just enjoying sex – no thoughts is required and if I allow them to just pop up constantly, I might get into trouble about my driving or the actual enjoyment and pleasing of my partner…

Emotions and feelings to give up might seem as a bigger chunk, especially for those, who cannot imagine life without emotions, because they believe that is required to really enjoy and become passionate about, however within investigating the mind, self and consciousness, these are also limited forms of experiences and are tainted with energy of the mind, which is like a liquid separation from directly experiencing and living the words themselves as self here and rather relying on definitions, polarity and self-interest.

Instead of feeling love, I redefine love as something to be expressed and shared.
Instead of feeling joy, I redefine enjoyment as something to be express and experienced with direct participation.

Instead of being angry, I redefine anger as something what I feel obliged to be separated from based on the perception of not being good for me, thus showing me what I should investigate, fully understand and to see if I am really self-honest about this and if concluding that it’s really not good, then to take responsibility for find practical solution to stop it or prevent it – for instance if I am angry for corporations what pollute the oceans then to actually research and find out what would matter to do something, as my anger as emotion is not supporting and rather making me less powerful, because I keep accepting the thing and internalizing instead of start doing something.

And so on, the relationships to words can determine how I perceive, experience and express myself.

That’s why self-forgiveness is a really powerful tool, to become aware of what I have already accepted and now taking responsibility for not only understanding, but figuring out what would actually be practical solution to prevent myself participating within next time or start applying solutions for the problems already manifested.

In my next post I will share an audio recording continuing sharing some points about theĀ topic of ‘Presence’…


Re-defining words support from School of Ultimate Living

Day 259 – Party, Drugs and Awareness part 2

dance-2Dancing continued from where I stopped in the last post. This time I dig deeper into the mechanics of my mind, how I experienced myself and things, what was the reason I went into trance dance and how I tried to use to transcend my limitations and eventually how I realized that my method was flawed, therefore had to let it go completely and also sharing some of what was the real solution for my problems, which then made me able to actually enjoy dancing much more than ever before.

In the beginning of my dancing, I’ve really judged myself extensively about how I dance and how others are moving much smoothly and better. I’ve felt like I have to really concentrate to match the rhythm but the more I was able to become more quiet within, the more I was able to move with the music in unison so to speak.
It’s interesting, because usually I did not notice how much I think, the extent of constant auto-boxing and categorizing, judging, comparing and defining, because there are levels of thought intensity and the extent of automation.
I’ve also realized that I have strong tendency to abstractify, meaning that once I’ve formed a thought pattern and participated in it enough times, then it kind of goes to ‘lower level’ of my mind, of my consciousness and sinks into the personality program of who I perceive and behave myself to be.
In party context, an example: seeing a girl/woman in front of me, I check her out and I declare her to be cute and attractive. The next time I see her at the same circumstances, I see her through my previous ‘declaration’ of ‘cute’ and ‘attractive’, so these thoughts/judgements ‘happen’ more quickly, so then I can ‘have time’ to go into another detail, to check out her clothes, what she drinks or focus to other people/things meanwhile, but I also notice that “the attractive, cute girl passed by”.
This mechanism can be handy, for instance when driving a car on the same route every day, going to work for instance and I learn the road, it’s conditions, traffic rules, details, but still – if I blindly rely to my built up memory-bank of it, then that would be dangerous, because I would more rely to my memory than the actual happening here, so then I would not adapt to the live traffic accordingly.
But within driving, there can be a balance between knowledge and presence, today we see this exactly being manifested through the autonomously driving cars, adaptive, line-keeping cruise controls, auto emergency-brake systems within the latest cars.
It’s similar what happen in the human mind, it adapts and automatizes so much, so then the person can ‘free up’ ‘processing power’ to be able to apply the apparently ‘free choice’ what to focus/think about, which really depends on what makes me feel better or worst, depending on what my mind currently ‘need’ as positive or negative or simply just ‘pure’ energy. Energy meaning here as that whatever I think, it has an effect on me, the definition of the word, the association to that word, memories, energetic experiences are being triggered, whether I am aware of it or not, so that’s why can happen the typical scenario for instance I think about something I would really prefer to avoid, but I can’t do anything about it, so then I start to feel worried, go into fear mode. Example:(theoretical) If I see my girlfriend having obviously very good time with an other guy at the party and I am seeing them leaving and not seeing them for a long time, “I” can go into jealousy, which is self-sabotage and fear, and many people can’t control that, because there is no trust, integrity and stability within themselves or with their partner and the moment they start to define a situation based on what they worry about, then they literally get worried, maybe a little bitĀ  even insane, disregarding the fact that it’s not a cool experience.

I wanted to ensure that this point is clearly explained here, because that automatic thinking, judging, defining and reacting mechanism of my mind was extremely overgrown within me, I was literally living in my head, daydreaming 24/7, so everything I experienced was processed through my thinking inside and outside also, which made me kind of rigid within interacting, communicating with myself and others too.

In fact since realized that I do this, I was really frustrated about it, because I started to understand how much this exhausts me and I am on a roller-coaster of thought storms and energetic experiences meanwhile feeling powerless against my limitations. I had serious anger issues but mostly no one realized it as I was a professional suppressor and the side effect of the energetic experiences was that I just could not get a grab on my limitations with practical understanding, so I kept missing the points what were really relevant. I was pointing fingers to things and manifestations what were in fact just consequences in my life for the limitations I’ve experienced, such as the system, government, lack of money, my human physical body, the people around me and my inability to have extreme discipline, what I believed I have to possess, but from time to time everything just fell apart within and around me, so I always had to start the whole thing from scratch.

Losing my money, my partner, my job, my place to stay, my things was regular to me and although I’ve got tremendous support from friends and family around me at times, I also judged this as my shameful weakness and I spent quite some time to hammer myself with my thoughts about it instead of actually do something about it.

I’ve read a very large amount of eastern books about teachings, mostly buddhist, but more many kind and I misunderstood some things based on the already possessed false beliefs within me, for instance that it is enough to observe the thoughts and let them go, just be here and after a while they will fade out. Well, that’s kind of pure bullshit, but in that time I did not realize that, because, well there is this saying that “hope dies last”, and I really hoped that I do not have to really dig deep into the darkness of myself with utmost specificity, but rather just focus to the light, the intensity, energy and basically pretend who I am until becoming it. Also big time delusion was this obsession with “the Light”, “White Light”, Enlightenment, which also proven to be complete delusion and impractical self-limitation, so accumulate effort towards these directions did not work either, but hey, I’ve tried!

So did ‘trance dance’ differ much from when people go to gym and work out or run the marathon? I don’t know, I guess everyone has their own self-created mojo in their mind, but for me sport just never was interesting, the very idea of perfecting my body seemed pretty much as waste of time, especially by considering the fact that this will get old and die inevitably. Rather as I grew up in village, some physical work was more fitting. Okay, one can maintain fitness to age more graciously, but I always was clear about that my limitation is not of my body, but my mind, so I rather wanted to clean my head first, then deal with physical reality around me. Well, it’s not a bad idea, but the fact that I’ve stuck in my mind for several years showed me the self-reflection that I was not really ‘progressing’ as much as I actually would or could. I always ‘felt’ that and made me frustrated, which I tried to turn into motivation. But then after a while I was dependent on the frustration to move, so that was not really efficient eventually.

One of my biggest issue was that I never asked for assistance, I always wanted to do everything by myself, because I perceived external support as dependency, weakness and I wanted perfection. Also I did not trust anyone as actually no one proved me to recognize them as “more aware” than me, which might sound as a bold statement, but in terms of direct awareness, I had to go through a lot until I visited Desteni farm to meet those people. But that came much-much later. Back in that time, I was really possessed with the idea of perfection and I ended up with the idea of perfect perfection in my mind, meanwhile not realizing that in reality I am time looping with recreational experiences by believing that with a little more intensity this time I will break through the chains of my mind, like a caged animal, I kept hitting the bars with my head instead of stopping for a moment and discovering that here is a door and I can open it and step out – if I could just change, but I had enormous resistances to be able to directly change. That made me apply various sets of ‘methods’ to accumulate counter-balance of my habits to be able to break them, to indirectly change ‘them’ – because I had not even realized the common sense with direct self movement here.

The problem was not that I could not stop the thoughts with discipline, I ‘practiced‘ zen meditation a LOT – so I was comfortable to sit even days to basically wait my mind to settle down. When I give up everything else, no work, no relationship, no care about what’s beyond my little ‘sitting here‘ – this can work to a certain degree, because after a while I really do not need to think about things, because I keep stamping it with ‘I don’t care‘ – not that I would really not care, but I say so, therefore it must be like that. And that notion also accumulates energy and then with that energy I can work on more energy, so basically it was literally a mind-juggle, and to be effective with that I had to do it a lot. In that time I did not use much writing to assist and support myself to accumulate understanding, just kept a diary of my after-psychedelic experiences, which I lost when it was already many-many dozens of pages and it’s all right. I was able to let it go.
There is one specific point I remember from my diary, that there were a time, about 1-2 months, when I clearly recognized that I actually have no idea about what to do, what I should do, what will happen and I accepted it, I was totally like “patience, awareness will come, just trust myself“. In a way it was cool, because I had a sense that I am birthing a self what I’ve never known, but at the same time I had no directive principle and did not even realized that I actually could have, so in a way I was giving myself up to existence, kind of a trust, that “everything’s gonna be alright”.

But then, as I was almost living through, in and as my mind, I abused this realization as well by defining trust outside of me by the polarity of the mind, which then prolonged the process of realizing the practical common sense to place and live that trust into and as myself directly here in and as my living physical flesh without any definition, judgement, polarity or association, energetic reaction of positive, negative, memories, etc.

So that was basically the point from where I started to work through the dancing with the mind-tuning substances, which I used as catalyst, as ‘energy source’ to have this intensity, energetic velocity in my mind to not need to bother with tiredness and distraction, but basically liquefy my mind into this oneness experience, within what I can dance until my mind is empty.

However what I did not take into account was that the specific thought patterns what emerge within my mind are not just random self-sabotaging mind-noise, what I have to force to shut down or out, but those are actually the true, real reflection of my self-acceptances and allowances, wherein I did not face reality as it is, but through subjective judgement, polarity of good or bad, based on desire or fear, what I did not yet recognized as my responsibility to stop participating in it and be aware of it’s specificity to be able to prevent myself going into the same pattern again and thus to start changing myself.

A practical example – I remember one case, it was not even drug or party-related, but still specific here: I was saying om mani padme hung mantra all night at a buddhist center and I was repeating it for hours and I also had this trance experience wherein there was no much else in my mind, but this, sort of resonance. After I left the place and went out to the streets of Budapest, I was still in that mind-state, I was almost automatically repeating the mantra in my mind and as I focused to stop it, really soon I started to react the same way as I usually did: saw a woman who I judged as really attractive and I recognized that judgement and I was frustrated about it, because even if I say the mantra all day, once I stop it, my mind starts to do the same thing as before the ‘trance’. Regardless of buddhist mantra, spiritual meditation or psychedelic trance. People usually tend this point with a reasoning that I did not do the mantra enough, I should continue doing so as it might not enough to say it fifty thousand times, but maybe a hundred thousands, but regardless of my ludicrous loathing to still rely to anything I believed within, somewhere within I knew that this is not really helping, even with the fact that people also said, I also have to observe and understand the mind, not just hammer it with the mantra, but that was not really helping, because there was no deeper explanation, support or even practical process to that, everyone were so fucking busy counting their mantras, so I kept looking for more knowledge, information and different groups, articles, sharing on the internet.

I had buddhist partner afterwards and she kept telling me that I am a fool and arrogant and delusional to think that I know better than the teachers or gurus, as written in scriptures but their teachings have been so carefully fabricated that an ordinary human if there is any self-doubt within themselves, they rather trust in what is in front of them, but not themselves directly here.

For me the experience, the trance, the ‘mind equalizing’ effect was pretty much the same, and neither of those made me really satisfied.
I did not know that it’s not really about to stop the thoughts, to equalize the mind, to quiet it, to find inner silence, because that is merely useless if I still don’t understand how I ended up being at that specific situation exactly, so then recognizing the circumstances, so then next time when it would come again, I would be able to stop for a moment and to say “Hey, I know this, if I do as always, I will end up as always: reactive, separated from the moment, here, I will be distracted by the reaction to the thought, I will be frustrated”

That’s why I needed energy, intensified experiences, because I did not understand, I just wanted the ‘mystical experience’, because I admitted, I have no idea what’s happening within me, if I look inside, I just see this mist, but nothing more, so this mist I call upon me to hope that I would find something new what I never saw before. But usually the ‘experienced’ or ‘skilled’ meditator/spiritual/psychonaut actually uses the intensified, overstimulated experience to equate, liquefy the mind, so then there is this quiet/oneness moment, which seems like one can see through problems, because those are not popping up all the time as usually.

For me it was also an interesting realization that even when I was really high on acid or mushroom or salvia, my mind did not really-really stop, but it was like a totally fluid thing what surrounded me, embraced me and whatever I did, wherever I moved, there was no resistance, friction, polarity anymore within, which seemed like a ‘more evolved’ state, however it was still IN and AS the mind, which totally took over, embraced me, therefore did not need to constantly pop up within, because it literally was me, but actually without the real, substantiated, present me, only about a slightest.

The mind here is not something foe-like, or as an enemy to be seen, but as our reflection, who we are as a systematic manifestation of our consistent acceptances and allowances existing within self-dishonesty, because the equation of the basic principle of existence is equality and oneness, therefore whatever I do, wherever I go, I am always equal and one with and as I am within/I am facing/experiencing, actually that is who I am.

Maybe it’s a bit too far fetched, but what I explain here is that even the most ‘holy’/’mystical’ psychedelic experiences are still within the confines of our mind, which is still self-limitation. It is practical to understand more the creation and nature of self-limitation, but it’s not self-honest to constantly reproduce it and not to get how and why I remain as self-dishonest.
Also psychedelic experience provides a sense of lot of energy, but that does not come anywhere else, but the source of me here, which is actually the physical. The substance, the cells, the molecules and the body ages.
Even further, psychedelics can also easily become the ‘patchwork‘ for the ego of the mind, because within these experiences if one is not genuinely self-honest, one can make oneself believe to the extent of making the leap of faith from justifications and excuses to convictions, so then one is not really ‘awakening’ with the substance, but rather further closes oneself down from seeing the unknown with virgin eye.
It can even be the case that one’s conscious mind ego personality completely melts down and apparently dissolves into nothing or “everything“, but after the substance’s effect wears off, the same old personality comes back, the one, what is not really effective dealing with figuring out, but for many people, these experiences must make sense – also in the dual-nature, polarity-based mind, therefore the whole ‘beyond sane’ mind-experience is being interpreted through the very limitations of one’s mind, what induced oneself to go to a journey to explore and being ended up the same, just with a nice story to tell.

That is also a difficult aspect of these experiences – the so called ‘re-integration’ to the every day living, because it’s obvious that with most of the lifestyles, these substances are not safe to be taken, for instance while driving, being responsible for serious things, etc. – therefore this part is also crucial to grasp, that without real understanding how the mind really works, who I personally am, the whole package is mostly an interesting synergy within one’s experience spectrum, meanwhile if one really understands what is going on within the mind, how creation works, who I really am in practical details, then the realization comes naturally, just as occurred with me – I do not need these substances, those trance-states anymore to bridge through difficulties, to understand myself and the world further, because I can directly move through these manifestations, systems with common sense and not limiting awareness.

Without encouraging anyone, I also clarify – these substances, experiences however can be somewhat supportive, for sure, but our mind can be a sort of Pandora’s box, especially when opening it at the first time, many don’t know what’s inside and if not learned the basic components of the mind or how to assist and support ourselves to stabilize and bring ourselves back from the deep-ends of our minds, where everything we think or feel of might seem much more real than actually is, it is suggested to ask for assistance first and definitely not do it alone. I know people got crazy, even mentally or physically hurting themselves, which statistically still not as much as with the more self-abusive substance, the alcohol, but still can take some precious time within one’s process of self-realization, which can be prevented with common sense and assistance.

There are events, where educated support teams are there to support those who are going into some ‘bitter end’ of the psychedelic experience and they might can assist to go through the rough patches of our exploration of the mind and the depth of our beingness, but it’s fact that everything I experience is facing myself.

One more point to consider is also when considering these substances as external support, bridge within one’s process from systematic consciousness(as a brainwashed human slave to put it out bluntly) to responsible living awareness is the energetic household of ourselves so to speak, as how our mind and body relationship manages the balance from all those positive and negative energetic experiences and most humans often ‘generate’ excess or ‘extra’ energy by the inner friction of the duality starting point(such as me vs others, good vs bad…), what somehow they are obliged to let go, discharge, literally ‘let it out from their system’ from time to time.
It’s a fascinating phenomenon and also shows the extreme versatility and programmability of the human mind and flesh, because this very point also can be so diverse among the multi-billion individuals. But not to forget, it’s all the same, everyone has the same mind, just different pre-programming, conditioning, genetic legacy, but in essence, it’s all the same. If someone doubts it, investigate their own mind and then they will see!
Most people learn that sexual expression is a great way to let go energy with a way, what can feel actually good, but many have different ways to reach their mind’s equilibrium. But it can be so many things, many people for instance meditate, where the mind can be at it’s rest for a moment, some do have to kill animals or even humans or go excessive buying or getting enormous amount of money. But it’s the same energy, the same enslavement, no matter if it feels positive or negative; for the mind, it’s just energy, but there is only so much what the human physical body can take, therefore there are multiple ‘programmed behaviour mechanisms’ at place to ensure that the person remains ‘normal’, and ‘functional’ individually and also socially.

That’s why it’s also important to take inventory within one’s mind about what makes me feel good and what makes me feel bad and ask why and how I find balance and what happens, ‘who I become’ when I lose balance and what is the consequence for that, for myself and for others too.
The thermodynamics of self, the economics of energy, the dynamics of inner reactions are also awaiting to be explored within self and there are some quite raw waves within ourselves sometimes in terms of thought-rains or emotional tornados, but at the same time it’s astounding to realize that the apparently insignificant and so subtle reactions, experiences are also equally crucial to be aware of, not just within the understanding of who we accept ourselves to be, but also becoming aware of the practical ways to accumulate real self-change within the consideration of all what is here.

Psychedelic experiences, as with their utmost velocity and intensity are totally twisting and kind of desensitizing everything within these energetic systems, like a thunderbolt, so the slight, tender, breeze movements can remain invisible. Well, maybe with small dosages one might experiment to discover and expand one’s sensibility towards these, but the more clear, present and not stimulated I am, the more I am able to directly see myself, because if I can’t direct myself without any effect, how can I be sure that I can actually direct myself with mind-altering substance? If I put trust into the effect or the altered-version of me, I might gain new knowledge, but after all, I will have to cross-reference it without any effect again anyway; well, of course, only if I want to ensure that I do not delude myself further in any way whatsoever.

After all – this is how I conclude it right here – substances and trance experiences are not bad, but not necessarily good either, these can be also tool for developing practical self-honesty and actual change – because if I realize something about how I could be more effective, honest, supportive, then the actual work begins, where I start to live it in flesh. Here again – this is where for me the trance experience and psychedelic substances faded out for primary self-support, because as I was able to directly ‘read’ and ‘write’ out my mind, my experiences, behavior, personality and to see where I was not honest with myself, it was in front of me, consistently on paper, in the file, and day by day I accumulated this skill of be able to ask more and more direct questions to myself about a conflict, a limitation and then also to be able to answer it within self honesty.

And even if sometimes I have an answer to myself, it’s just the process to find out if it’s really working in reality, action, living, and if not, then I re-align and re-check again: am I self-honest or still there is some energetic reaction, a judgement, a resistance, a separation, a fear? So then I engage that as well and apply self-forgiveness – giving for myself a new opportunity with responsibility. That is a key to understand and not to associate with religious or spiritual terms – because it’s about self here, and to be responsible, no energy or god required, but self-honesty and self-direction lived through and as words directly in the human flesh. Just like Jesus. Hahaha.

I still go to dancing and I see where my mind would wander and then I ask why and I re-align and in the meantime I express myself as dancing, self-movement, breathing, solidifying, unifying and equalizing all of me without thinking or judging, desiring or fearing. Without any substance. Well, maybe a mild tea. But also – when I am tired, I rest, no problem – and if I want to be fresh at the party, I direct myself to rest it before and if I can’t then I also can realize, tiredness can be in the mind and also in the body and if it’s in the mind, I can stop it – and if it’s physical, then I rest and let the ‘need’ of party hard go.

This, as I previously mentioned also, is my process, realization and sharing and I encourage everyone also to share, because it’s worthy to write down, because it’s already supporting. If shared, others also can connect, understand and also even support with their perspective, realization, experience. Nothing is carved into stone here and I take responsibility for things I write here, but I can make mistakes and I might not be absolutely right about things, but then others, you, can read it and respond!
If I would fear that somebody would read my point of view and would say to me ‘you are wrong, deluded’, then maybe it’s true, so then why not to share, to be reflected back to assist me to realize what I’ve mistaken and why and thus to learn and change and transcend! It’s not about me being right, preaching how things are, but what I’ve realized thus far. And I trust myself in this with not a single doubt.

If someone simply states that I am wrong and just judges me without taking the time and explaining, sharing their own process and realization, then it’s not really supporting, however it can reflect back to me to question how and where I stand and to see if there is some self-dishonesty/doubt/judgement within me to face it. That’s why I share and it’s very important to realize that don’t be afraid to share, because there is no shame in acknowledging to be mistaken or even deluded or lost and also it’s entirely not shameful to ask for support and be open to actually change, even if it’s really resisted, because beyond change it’s the most feared: unknown. But that’s how exactly self can learn and know self, with living self-honesty. And then, when I find my place here in and as this human flesh without the fear, the doubt, the resistances, then I am not only assisting and supporting myself, but also becoming a living example and support for others equally.

When I am at the dance floor and seeing others move, communicate, behave, it’s also cool that I’ve walked through so many layers of my mind already(and still walking), so I can more naturally omit judging others based on how they express themselves, because regardless of where they came from, what substance they are on or what they do or tell me, they are actually the same as me in terms of self-realization, which is also more obvious, when I observe myself how I react to others, what is brought up within me about someone, so then I can also see if there is still any judgement, memory, thought-chain, back chat automatically coming up, which I do not have to suppress, disregard, but if I am present, I can reflect it back to the source within me and to understand why this is coming up and what is the starting point of this within me and to realize, that it’s completely me what I experience about the other if there is any energetic, thought, feeling or emotional movement within me. This does not mean I should not interact, I can’t connect or even ‘feel’ others, just to be aware of and not take things personally but also be kind and gentle when it’s possible, obviously not by definition but with common sense and self-trust. Because sometimes one must stand up, raise voice without anger but direct sound or movement, for instance to protect someone or prevent abuse. Luckily, this was never the case for me at any parties where I went thus far, but sometimes the intensity of overwhelming experiences can push people over the edge of considering others as equals as self, so it’s also practical to always be present and consistently here, but not with paranoia and by expecting the worst, but to simply live here, breath by breath.

That’s also an indication of one’s separation from self through and as the mind patterns – when those appear, I am not here, in a way I diminish from presence and take refugee in the mind-dimensions, so here we go, more work with self, and thus existence also, as a whole.
I’ve shared quite some points of the self-delusions I’ve participated within previously, so from this point I will walk self-forgiveness and self-corrective and self-commitment statements to solidify my realizations and also to share, how writing and sounding these words within clarity can be direct self-support without any need for any extra experiences or belief systems or convictions.
So, until next time, thanks, enjoy, bye

Day 258 – Party, Drugs and Awareness part 1

dance-1Recently I’ve visited a contemporary dance event, it’s type was psytrance. Since quite some years I visit these kind of parties and as I’ve changed during my process of self-realization, my starting point, experience and the very self-expression also have been transformed, which I’d like to concisely share. Well, not that concisely, so this might just be a part of my future book of my story of finding myself and my responsibility, purpose and stability, direction and self-honesty, more simply: from consciousness to awareness.

First time I visited a similar party, it was drum and bass and I took acid, which hit me quite intensely. I’ve shared that within my vlogs some years ago, but in short: it was literally a mind blowing experience, which opened a lot of doors within myself, thus I decided to continue to experiment with these inner sets and external settings.

I’ve found that the combination of a mass event with very dominant and repetitive music with lots of bass was really intensifying the effect of the psychedelic substance, which I’ve used to ‘break through’ to the ‘other side’ of my mind, existence, myself to discover and explore what is beyond my conscious mind, personality, the reality I see every day.

It was not a comfortable experience in the beginning as I felt myself literally turning inside out and losing everything what I’ve defined before and it felt like a more direct, raw sampling of reality and myself without any thoughts, judgements, definitions or preconceptions, beliefs, but I rather felt like a newborn baby with virgin eyes and mind.

Many times people take on these experiences within controlled environment, wherein they can relax, choose what to experience, avoid things not wanting to experience, being with selected individuals and also many times rather depriving from external stimuli, so then they can focus more to what’s within. That I also did, but in fact from the beginning I had this fascination to not wanting to control anything, not wanting to select who I meet with(to a certain degree, usually parties are safe, nothing real war going around), because I have realized that even the personality-mechanism with I would ‘set up’ the setting around me should not be trusted or regarded if I really want to let go everything of the past and purely explore what’s in front of me with more possibility and less control.

Also there is a certain aspect when I am among many, when I am in close proximity of many other people, then I can’t hide or pull back from anything what is coming as internal or external experience, but dare to face it, deal with it, adapt, expand and transcend.

Sounds great and after a couple of d&b parties, somehow I was introduced to goa trance. It’s a specific trance music, which kind of originates from a part of South-India, Goa, where hippie and acid subculture mixed up with house and trance music, wherein these specific kind of mind-stimulating, intensifying, tripping melodies and sound effects were played at parties and from there it spread the world, even to Hungary.

The 4/4 base with strong kick drum and snappy, vibrant bass line combined with open and closed hihats creates something interesting ‘in the air’ if well put together and played loud enough, it creates this kind of flow, which feels like it’s constant, yet stimulating, progressing and can help to put a person into a trance.
Of course, there is more than the baseline, but that’s the foundation and then can be effects, melodies, ‘story’ and even harmonies, dissonant sounds, whatever.

It’s like a modern version of tribal music near to the fire – this is just more loud, so then hundreds or even thousands of people can dance together.

They call it psychedelic, because people often take psychedelic drugs at these events, not everybody and not always, but most of them try it at some point, because it can help develop the person to tune to the music further. At least that’s what is being said. Also it’s significant that there are mostly evolving, heightening, developing patterns, what kind of simulate a frequency raising or keeping it high, while most people dance.

So it’s linked to dancing, however for me in the first years it was not about dancing, but rather just standing at the edge of it and listening, observing, watching inside as well and really looking how my mind and beingness resonates with all of these effects altogether and to see where is the least inner conflict, how I can find the flow, losing my judgements and have this oneness experience.

So this was when I took acid mostly and people kept saying about ecstasy as that is the dance and opening up substance, but I really resisted it, as people on it looked weird when I observed them while I was on acid. Like their eyes were more popping out and they seemed to be fast in their mind, while I really enjoyed that I fully slowed down and I was able to relate and connect with those who were also slowed down within extensively.
But after a while, I gave in, and I also wanted to try this dance thing, so took the ecstasy and after a while I just went to dance and I was actually enjoying it, so that stayed – did not need any more of the substance, however I’ve tried it two more times combined with acid(“candyflip”), but then I was dancing ‘by default’ already, and after all, I did not feel the need for it anymore, but it was a ‘gateway drug’ to start dancing and enjoy myself extensively meanwhile also making the first step to not just wander around in my mind, but also to ‘work’ with my body.

Dancing in crowd requires a bit of skill and also demands a certain level of presence not to step to others or stumble into them, especially when it is not open space or people are crowding up near to the front, where music sounds best or close to the stage…Also to effectively move around dancing people, some likes that, some not, I always enjoyed it, it felt like I am kid again and strolling through adults mischievously while I can look, see, even interact with many kind of people, it’s like a kaleidoscope of humans, which is unpredictable and kind of continuous, so I enjoyed it.
Many people are uncomfortable being among others, especially when their conscious mind is shattered, twisted, melted down or exploded, because then they have no idea what’s going to happen, how they would react to something unpredictable, so facing the unknown can be frightening – or fascinating, depending on the starting point I guess, but for me, even at some times I had this swirling, friction within while being ‘exposed to’ basically endless amount of strangers who all can see me what I do, which can again: can be alright, I embrace who and how I am, even when viciously high on multiple substances, and for some it’s scary to think about that option.
I mean, in the beginning it’s really unknown territory, one just hope that will not start slicing other people up when the unconscious/subconscious mind melts together with the conscious-apparently controller mind…
Sometimes I did weird things, like one time I really liked a girl’s hair so I touched her, who was just in front of me, but not to the point of annoyance, it was rather just a moment of ‘hey, it’s cool, touch it, okay, next moment’ – but it’s part of the deal as I decided – I will face who I am, and if shit happens, I will deal with it, or I won’t but still, I will not hold onto fear to limit myself, just because I do not know, because in fact: I want to know!

Well, this does not sound that bad, but I needed some years while I got familiar, comfortable and became really smooth and relaxed meanwhile the stuff I took sometimes felt like a sledgehammer or a nuclear meltdown in my mind and body, so there was this friction also, which peaked up to a point from where ‘the trip flipped’ and then I was kind of flowing, no thoughts, worries, negative emotions or even positive feelings, but I was just kind of moving.
In a certain way, it’s a ‘little’ death, because who I perceive myself to be, all can ‘die’ in a way within me, because I lose everything I was holding onto and nothing remains, just me, which also can be really-really scary, but in a way it can show me that even after I lost everything I was holding onto in my mind, I can still be here and express myself…That’s why people refer acid, mushroom, dmt and similar psychedelics as ‘ego-killer’ and in a way I have to agree with but only to a certain degree.

Meanwhile I also did many ‘private’ sessions with selected people at certain type of locations, so I did not just exclusively blew my mind at parties, but that was consistent.

In terms of dancing – as this whole story was in fact a sort of introduction, to give a context, from where I started it, I developed some perceptions, preconceptions and self-definitions about it, which later proven to be self-limiting, however it was not obvious first. That’s also one reason I share within this amount of details, so that others from similar context can relate. Because only later I realized I was self-dishonest about many things, which as I did forgive myself for those self-acceptances(meaning stopped participating acting out the patterns I realized I was self-dishonest about), I’ve liberated myself from many self-limitations, yet as I stated before – I still do visit these events and can enjoy them extensively without any substance and self-definitions.

I must state out also that this is not about the drugs as those are good or bad, from my perspective, who went through a lot of those before and since several years completely stopped taking, I can say these are not necessary, and yet if taken, can prolong or distract/diverse one’s process of self-realization.

Self-realization here I refer as to understand who I am, my creation, how I am, who I am, where I came from, where I am going to, what is real, what is not, what is my responsibility and to see what is the purpose or directive principle being applied here in existence in overall.

I guess, as with many other substances, even with alcohol, people might can have the ‘aim’ for self-support so to speak, but these mind-altering drugs are specific in my view, because these can catalyze, magnify and even disrupt or completely block certain mind and body processes.

So, what I used dancing for was the following – I did dance for hours, one-two-three-four hours for instance, only going out for some minutes, hydrate, but mostly dancing with the very loud and dominant music, which is many times is so loud that it literally feels like it is washing away my own thoughts, so I rather just embrace it and it resonates within me, even can feel it’s vibration in my body and I dance, mostly monotonic movements, but always changing something, while I am IN this body until I AM this body so to speak.
Also I had to learn how to breath effectively, so then I can continue with the fast, intensive movements while not getting exhausted, I mean for lots of movements one must breathe more. With the tiredness, drugs can also help as they apparently give a lot of energy, which sometimes can feel like I could shovel away a mountain and even wanting to move, to do something, because so vibrant, raw and direct this energetic state can be, so then dancing, if I can enjoy the music, others, myself seems like a naturally good choice.

In the beginning I felt like I have to build up my dancing, many times I did not enjoy it for a long time, until something just changed within me, so it was like ‘warming up’, like a diesel engine, but the more I danced, the quicker this warm up was, and now – even as I am completely sober, I can directly go in and immediately dance like I just stopped hours of dancing a minute ago, which is also not something ‘conscious’, but feels like my body directly can do it, but only when I am present in and as the body – but this realization had to wait for some more years…

So I’ve spent a lot of time perfecting my method of trance, where I was able to find this quietness, peace, with substance or without, and there were a lot of variables what had to be right in order to be able to ‘induce’ this state of trance. In a way I was slave of many circumstances, because I was really particular about these details to be perfect in order to really let go of myself and find this state and experience, what I called as ‘self-healing and regenerating’, because in that state I was able to stop thinking and be the moving body without anything else, but in that moment live the words dancing.

It’s funny if I put it like that, I could write into my CV, that ‘trance dance’ – 10 years experience – which skill is really specific, so I can go to trance party and enjoy myself – well, it’s not just that, meanwhile I was learning how to do that, I had to let go many things, but within my core of my being I kept running in circles.

That’s why I was kind of dependent on psychedelic substances, because in a way I ‘knew’ what I do, how I do it, but I always defined that I needed the energy accumulation, intensifying, because I believed that in order to change, re-align myself, I need energy, which was really big self-delusion.

I do not talk about physical energy, like from food to be digested and support the body, but mind-energy, which is rarely the topic of humans, yet it’s completely ruling human’s consciousness and therefore their reality.

The energetic mind is what I talk about and it’s ‘thermodynamics’, ‘physics’ and ‘chemistry’, which is pretty much irrelevant to physical reality to a certain degree, because in a way it’s all just made up, yet we stick to these so seriously that we can’t stop defining ourselves through these patterns, experiences, reactions.

So I was also juggling with these energies while ‘working’ with dancing. For me many times it was not about ‘party’ and ‘having fun’, but to continue studying my mind and body relationship without knowing what I do, but rather I was like the ‘modern human science’ – I was twisting with the inputs/outputs and tried to observe what changed, in a way from an ‘external’, ‘separated’ point of view.

Because I did not really know. I did not understand why I react the way I do to certain events, people, but wanted to know. I mixed all these up with eastern spirituality, buddhism, who stated that they study where the thoughts come from and where they are going, and that always fascinated me, so I completely felt adequate myself to directly ‘hit that nerve’ and as I really put up everything of me to that card of actually really-really wanting to find out the answers for these questions, I had no much doubt, which was also a dual blade, because in a way kept me going without stopping, but also many times I did not stop for a moment to consider what is here, what I do and to be able to apply practical common sense.

Many times these substances are like a big push – and if I do not align with self-honesty, but rather I have the inception of any slightest self-delusion, belief or judgement, then these also can ‘help’ ‘growing on’ those too, meaning within a big figuring out moment one can conclude something awfully off, yet everything would seem like it’s the way. THE way, meanwhile it just seemed like that, so the tendency to cross-reference is less likely. Not impossible, but what I mean is that one can’t and should not trust oneself completely without question. In the beginning, certainly not, because a ‘supervision’, ‘external self-support’ from the ‘right’ person can never hurt, but it’s also that one must find people with integrity, stability, consistency understanding and experience as well when choosing support. That I found with the guys and gals around, which for I am eternally grateful, equally so to myself as well, because it is self who must make the steps and actually walk the change from consciousness systems to substantiate living awareness.

Also, because mostly everywhere these substances are illegal, people can have worry, sneaking around and secrecy, so that is also an obstacle one has to overcome, because law enforcement can punish, sometimes even retaliate as it’s possession and consuming is equals as serious criminal activity, which is kind of ridiculous in a way, but currently it is like that.

If I could not find ‘better method’ than psychedelic drugs, probably I would still take them, but I can state it more clearly: if I would not practically come to the actual realization that I am directly fully here, and I could not ask questions to myself about myself, my limitations, conflicts, delusions and then being able to answer to myself, then probably I still would rely to external ‘bridge’ supports, with what I would still try to ‘mine out’ some more from my consciousness, mind, body through these elevated experiences.

The fact and the actual proof, that I can live without conflict and the confidence, direction and actual, practical application to deal with shit while being sober, always here is priceless and there is no further experience I would need to go after, there is no other specific mind-state I would need or want to induce, because I rather be the solution myself directly without any drug. For me it was too much compromise, the dependency, the polarity of getting high and then back, the constant dealing with the arising need, getting it, taking it, going through the experience and then it wears off – it’s just not worth it anymore, because I am comfortable and able to be intimate with myself directly without anything and if seeing self-dishonesty or self-limitation, I can apply the desteni tools, which I’d rather refer as ‘my way of living’ as self-forgiveness, self-correction, self-commitment by investigating the words and my relationship, definitions of them within me and giving new opportunity for myself literally by decomposing the patterns what constitutes who I accepted and allowed myself to be within fear and doubt.

In a way, each human is in the trance of fear constantly and my way was to try an other trance from which I can break through that trance, what somewhat worked sometimes, but in overall I had to realize that I do not need to break through, I rather have to stop participate within what I always did since childhood, which is the mind, the thinking, comparison, judgement, backchat, emotional waves and take the direction of be responsible for everything I actually am here constantly.

Maybe a person, who reads this and sometimes takes psychedelics can feel or define that they are confident about that for them these substances still are of assistance, and probably not that much as they define it, but everyone’s process is different, but one thing is certain: we certainly never know our utmost potentials until we ensure that did everything of our power to expand through our limitations, what are certainly not are in and as the physical, because the real limitation is in the mind consciousness of the human, therefore I suggest to all to investigate, understand the thought-processes and the emotional reactions, because these are really limited ways of the human existence in comparison to be whole, unified and quiet within while still live, express and share self-movement without any fear or separation.

As you can clearly see, for me dancing was really linked with substances for long time, but since some years not anymore and my personal experience, conclusion and realization was that I was able to expand and grow, transcend and live much more directly and with more stable awareness without the psychedelics. I know, it’s a bold statement, and many came to me with that ‘you could not be who you are today without those, so how you could deny them’ – well, I do not deny, I simply state what I see, realize and understand and that entails to clearly share: sober, stable self with empty head is more capable of walking through the systems of internal and external matrices, what limit us and determine us, therefore, who really wants to ‘work’ with transcendence, I’d suggest to let go the phase of drugs and start the real job of knowing, understanding and decomposing the patterns what constitute oneself which are self-dishonest and not aligned with what could be the utmost potential and also the best for all.

If anything of reaction, denial, thought-emotion would arise to this suggestion: realize, it’s the mind, yet it is you, so start embracing and accepting the fact that it always has been the decision maker and can not be trusted, especially about how and when to alter your mind states without really understanding how the human mind and body relationship really works.

At first life can seem a bit slower and less colorful, certainly lower intensity, but then recognize the simplicity and infinity within one breath, and in the next one, and then the next one – and to realize that this consistency within breathing presence has to accumulate in order to break through the mind’s prison, which is our manifested consequence of self-acceptance of identification with energy, dependency into relationships through thoughts, feelings, emotions and then the recognition comes that real self here does not need (mind)energy, intensity or waving mind states to experience what is really real here, but the opposite – the less I participate within these patterns, the more I am stable, consistent, direct, present here.

And then I gift myself with the realization that all those intense, more fast, ‘highway’, ‘hyperspace’ experiences were just in my mind, which seem cool, groovy and stimulating, but they are dwarfed in comparison to real physical substance level of awareness here, I again quote Bernard Poolman here: it’s like when an ant inspecting a Lamborgini – it seems out of world, but in terms of the context of the whole existence, the Lamborgini is completely irrelevant, your experience is irrelevant(video in the link).

That’s why it’s common sense to ask and answer to myself: what are thoughts, where they do come from, why they come, what is the source behind them and my relationship to my memories and how I am being dishonest and doubtful while participating within them – and one can realize that all those cravings for intensity, experiences and highs are summoned, because one is not intimate with and as self here to directly see, directly move, directly change and directly live.

Therefore it’s suggested to word to yourself what you see the drug gives and then ask yourself, how and why you separated yourself from accessing yourself directly in terms of these aspects, what you just worded here?

Or if you can’t stop taking it, then during it’s apparent ‘support’ – realize that during it’s effect and experience – you are still walking in the mind, regardless of how deep, resonant it’s experience – which is okay for a moment, but when you keep returning to this specific ‘method’ and ‘level’ – you might also can realize that somewhere you ‘stuck’ and time looping, because can’t realize, let go or practically apply what you already should.

See, the mind consciousness system is kind of infinite, you could endlessly explore it’s dimensions, but the call of self-honesty is to recognize that it’s always the same, meanwhile we have a life, a system already in and as the physical here, what is the bottleneck, therefore it can’t be disregarded for too long, but rather also to embrace and take responsibility for: even the abuse, the horror of humanity’s cannibalistic self- and life-abuse. Because once one starts to really walk through the systems of one’s mind can clearly see, that one’s limitation is only equals with the extent of one’s responsibility, therefore to really transcend self-limitation and the ego of the mind means to take responsibility for all what is here as self as all as equal as one. So take that into the equation of your moments, as it can balance out the energetic experiences to recognize the possible points of addiction and fear to assist and support self to let go the past.

Also if there is no polarity of ‘on drug‘ and ‘off drug‘ – one less problem, because I can start to work with the energetic experiences what with I disregard the physical presence and I can answer why and then with real understanding I can see the pattern before participating and then I can prevent myself leaving presence into thought-tubes, emotion-waves and that is really cool, because I can change myself more directly, which is really handy in terms of walking through self-limitations. Limitations, what maybe were the starting point of taking drugs, which is self-empowerment, resulting with accumulation of self-trust, confidence and practical knowledge of self, not just a bunch of semi-wise mumbo-jumbo, but about what I am and why I am who I am and then I can measure specifically: is it really the best or I can change, and if I can, I should and then I change. And from a point internal and external self is also equal – therefore as I change myself, I already change the world!

So this writing starts to grow to many directions, not just dance, parties, my story, but also substances, the mind, the energy, so I stop it for now and will continue writing soon.

Don’t believe anything what I wrote here, test it for yourself for real, but to transcend and expand, practical common sense is what we require, not substances!

I’ve recorded also 30 minutes of talking about this topic, but I was not fully satisfied with it, so soon will re-record myself, well, this writing was also a preparation for it so to speak, so until that, enjoy breath!