Day 341 – A moment of doubt vs Facts

IMG_9494Stabilizing within Self-forgiveness.

Continuing from yesterday’s blog.

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have allowed myself to fall into fear of loss and doubt experience and started to judge myself as ‘I did not do all what I could for what I committed myself to accumulate’ and within that believing that if I doubt, fear – that obviously means that I did not do everything I could, all I did was not good enough and not real, thus it’s no question that my experience of ‘fear and doubt’ is right and true, thus my judgement of myself is righteous, the justification for my fear, doubt and worry to accept is righteous, thus I give into the instability and fear.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if there is someone who I value very much, I perceive that judges, doubts or misunderstands me, that must be automatically true, thus start fearing and worrying, assuming and doubting myself without cross-referencing, looking, seeing and understanding facts.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to value and trust my action, self-honesty, consistency and commitment, direction and movement but actually trust my doubt, fear more than facts, reality and practical common sense.

Writing this very sentence down right now to see this pattern in front of me for the first time in my life – is invaluable. (The first Self-forgiveness statement)

I am grateful to be able to see this point. Never this clearly before. This is why I not just write my blog at home under the bed, but SHARING it, as this process is effective.

Facing self, points, reactions, fears, understanding the patterns I and my mind and body constitute as one and equal to be able to stop participating within self-dishonesty is the very essence of the Process of Self-honesty, referred as Journey to Life. From Consciousness system to Living Awareness.

Continuing with the actual pattern: It’s like how polarity works – specifically positive thinking. It’s just one tiny, singular miss-step, one moment of a thought self-defined as negative is enough to infest my whole positivity and fall into it – thus proving the whole thing to be just a façade, a mirage. My relationship with the point yes, but in terms of accumulated consequences? Not necessarily!

It’s like the whole Process of finding out and start living as Self-honest, first at moments, then more moments, and then to be able to move and interact like that, to correct in real time, and then if I make mistake, or even I feel I have failed, fallen, I go back to the basics and write more, apply more self-forgiveness, understand further and specify, not only with writing, but sounding, to resonate the voice, to hear if there is any doubt, reaction, association, to look there too, to clarify, further specify and cross-reference until to the utmost specificity and see all clearly.

And even if one walks this process since years, can be ‘fucked up’ for a moment, or even for an hour – but then – the whole process already walked is not disappearing, oh no!

I re-align, I ground myself back here and I continue walking, no matter what, who I am is not a choice, or if it is, I am still figuring out what it means, what are the potentials, of who I can be, thus it’s actually never done, but expanding day by day, moment by moment. Thus never allow a fear or doubt to make you believe that can invalidate true commitment, real dedication to become principled with all life!

In relation to my doubt and fear – I know that I have been pushing a point since months consistently, every single day, not literally sure that I did ALL I could do as there could not have been done BETTER – but who I was every day, according to that, I pushed myself to the limits.
Thus, to doubt myself, or to anyone doubt me within the actual application is actually irrelevant – yet if I can be fallen into worry, fear based on anyone’s opinion – then it’s my doubt within myself and nothing to do with anyone else but self here.

‘Irrelevant’ maybe not in totality if the person is relevant in my life, but in terms of giving into doubt and fear – completely.

It still can be that my actual communication, interaction, sharing can be adjusted, aligned, improved – yet I have to be able to see what is good, what is not, and there is no such thing that ‘all of myself, altogether is full of shit’ – specify, document, cross-reference everything and practical understanding prevails.

If I look into myself, I directly see, understand and realize that I had no singular doubt, except that day I have explained in my previous blog, and within that point and emotional reaction’s nature, I also revealed that it was not really a single doubt, but a consequence of energetic reactions, somewhat related to my actions, yet it’s not related to my commitment, action and direction.

The doubt was also partly of the extent of ‘leap of faith’ – ‘vulnerability’ and facing Unknown – and how else could I fear the Unknown, as I have already some idea and imagination about it? Thus it’s not real, the doubt is not valid. Thus I saw that point, I re-align and I move forward. I should not judge myself, a child when learns walking or talking, also does not give up, does and does and does until it’s done, fact, here.

Thus I recognize that I should trust action and facts, movement and direction, and even if for a moment I allow myself to be mesmerized by ANY fear – I shall look facts, action and direction, focus to movement and realize that if I invalidate all I have already done by any kind of fear, then I should not judge the whole being of myself and all what I have done, as if I follow the spiral of emotion, the energy, the storm, the instability, uncertainty, sadness and doubt – but to immediately ANCHOR myself back to the physical and be the EYE of the storm and to see what directly feeds this fear point, and my relationship with it.

Instead of looking of the effects, the storm, the energy, the e-motion – to look the trigger point, the judgement, the mental relationship I feed with thoughts, feelings and emotions and to see how it’s been created – how I am creating and how to STOP it; to see what to do to prevent it, so that next time it would arise – I don’t participate, thus the storm does not inflate as I let it go, I forgive, I change, I re-align and focus to practical common sense and action.

I have the tendency to connect, to share, the need for living response-ability – but first and foremost it’s within and in relation to self here.

As to create Heaven on Earth starts with self here – Everyone is so confused and doubtful about how to make Earth a better place – it’s so damn simple but no one is looking, walking, living it, because the actual Hell we can clean up is within and as SELF, which is at the limit or even beyond of our ability to direct, because of how we give this permission to the mind every single day.

Any thought of doubt, fear, worry, judgement, anger or hate, desire or disgust – hope or despair – if it’s in the mind, if it makes me feel moods and ups and downs – it’s EGO – the MIND, and there are techniques to understand and be able to deal with it. Anyone can do it, even a child or a very-very old person as well. It’s not technological, not spiritual, not religious, it’s common sense – and based on the most powerful mathematical equation – 1+1 = 2.

Accumulation – that’s Give as you would like to receive – consistent application is the key, with self-change as well.

And be aware that even for a moment you start to question and doubt yourself, as it’s the EGO’s nature to trick and con – look at the facts, the action you have done, the accumulation, the structure, the plan, the reality-awareness, thus can’t get caught with the temptation of energetic storms to blow you around, like a kite in the wind.

Anyone can judge you, usually it’s yourself who judges self the most, but when someone else does – still should not fall into the doubt, unless the accusation is valid.

I used to think – if anyone doubts me or says something about me, it must be true, thus I just went into self-introspection, self-worry, self-doubt mode – and it’s better indeed to check what the other person refers as might be true. But until I do not actually see with practical common sense, there is no place for doubt.

And if there is ‘room for improvement’, as the other indicated – it’s awesome, gratefulness, as now I am more aware than I was, thus it’s supportive.

Just I have to be really-really self-honest in this – to not just say to myself ‘ah, what the other said to me/about me is just bullshit, I am so cool, no way’ – and then usually there is justification: ‘because blah blah’ – so then I use that justification to seal my denial of the information I got – AFTER I rejected it, AFTER I reacted to it. Not self-honest!

Thus – I stand here, no doubt, no fear – still aligned, still in direction – and anyone judges me or doubts me – that can be about the person as well actually, but better to be aware of what’s going on within myself all the time. And the more I am aware of what I participate within, how I do, what I do – the less ‘time’ I need to ‘check’ if what the other says is true or not – yet never get to the point of automatically reject anything or get overconfident, but to stay humble and grateful.

For instance at university somehow it was a habit among my friends to say ‘you son of a bitch’ – just in my native language its more insulting, as the literal translation is ‘your mother is a whore’ – yet when I was told to – I felt really insulted and got really angry, and then I realized – My mother is not a whore, and even if she would be, which is not the case, why would I be automatically triggered to lose my temper and head? Does not make sense. Still obviously mirrors the other’s lack of respect and ability for compassion and decency, that’s al-right. Yet it’s not if I lose myself into an emotional storm, whenever anyone says such.

Another example: I have been participating within some job interviews – and there was rejection, not one, not two – and I also had the ‘choice’ to decide – if I feel bad or not – and if I look back – I see what I have already walked in terms of my profession – thus did not ‘break me down’ – yet, also realized that there is place for improvement, thus I should focus to that and move forward. Naturally. So that’s more practical, instead of fall into the despair and doubt, to focus to reality – where I came from, what I have done, how I have done it, and what I am going to do next and how. Simple. Always. If not, then that’s the ego, the mind, the manifested systematic reflection of accumulated self-dishonesty of mine just mirroring me who I accept myself to be. Until I stand up and stop and actually change.

So, sharing this process, this blog, is also not just statements to the world, anyone and everyone is welcome to give feedback, even telling me I am just wrong, and thus I can also check and learn!
Anyone can conclude based on misunderstanding, even myself – and if I realize it, I correct my statement, myself and live according to that realization.

In a way, that is why difficult to change for many people who are so infused into some belief-systems, religion, spirituality, or any kind of conviction – especially if there are human relationships, or even money involved – to admit that I have been wrong for two – three – six decades might not be easy – as I have had with my spiritual beliefs, buddhism and many more convictions already. I do not need anything but to become honest with myself in each moment equally – and for that to decompose the patterns my mind constitutes – words – energetic experiences, relationships – this process works.

Anyone states ‘It’s not my type of thing, or style – fine – I never even considered if this is my style ever – I just do as it works’. Just be sure not to listen to excuse and justification.

If anyone could show me that there is a better way than writing and applying self-forgiveness in written, said aloud and lived in action to become more aware and to support actual change – I am open – but I am aware of that this works, this blog is my movement, since 2008 – all I shared stands here as proof of what I have walked and the direction I am keep walking.

So that’s about it for today and thank you very much for being here today!

Links to understand more and support to grow:

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Day 336 – Self forgiveness to deal with sadness

IMG_2383sWho I am with Self-forgiveness?

I am sharing my process of Self-forgiveness since almost ten years now and I’d like to reflect back on this extraordinary journey and discovery of self, a liberation, a re-alignment and change, which keeps continuing and expanding every day.

If anyone says or thinks – “I am done with self-forgiveness, there is nothing else to forgive” – I’d say that person should not be trusted. Why? Because that person

  • a) thinks that now ascended to another level – obviously only within the realms of ego
  • b) clearly sees that the job is certainly not yet done, but wants to appear that way for some reason – again, very cautious one should be with that person

It’s fascinating to see that so many people are keep preaching about god and jesus – while they have no idea about the depth – the actual debt – of forgiveness as through thought, word and deed within unification.

Fortunately – and unfortunately for many – the equation is very simple – there is no middle ground, any blame or justification, denial or resistance towards equality means that the person is still existing within the mesmerizing experience-series of self-interest.

And it’s alright – well, not for long, but until the moment of self-realization: there is no other choice but to embrace and acknowledge, accept and own the fact that I am responsible. Everyone is.

Each and every single human being is equally responsible for the current manifestation of earth.

It might sound silly, bad, or even offending, thus I’d suggest to say it aloud for a couple of times to let your own sound, voice and resonance to vibrate in the air, through your body and thus reach the mind as well to recognize, it’s a great opportunity to accumulate something what could support all.

I know, quite some people who have difficulty to understand the equality point within all’s process, and for myself I also have difficulty to try to explain.

For me, this immediately made sense when I first read it at ‘desteni.org’ – I am always equal and one with and as what I am located within/experiencing/expressing.

How can I not be equal and one with what is here, when I am always here.

I am telling here, literally here: it is not a physical pointer, this word what it refers to: here, but it’s a self-expression of who I am.

Or who I am NOT as a matter of fact, when I am not fully here, present, in this moment expressing directly with – into – and as – the physical substance, again: here, consistently.

So let’s walk a point emerged recently:

Yesterday I was very busy, I had a point what I took very seriously, something to do, accomplish, get done and I had extreme lot of difficulty, thus I could not do as I want and I got carried away with frustration several times.
It was fascinating to see that I want something soooooooo much, everything is here as opportunity to make me own the thing, to get it done, yet I was unable to. And the more I wanted, the less I progressed, like literally banging my head to a brick wall without anything changing, except my head feels more pressurized.

I was waving, energies were flowing through my mind, I got hooked into energy intensity, wanting to have more energy. After an exhausting day, I just could not rest, wanted to have more experience, so actually went out, I was driving on the highway to find some place to have dinner and I tried to compensate tiredness with energy.

So it’s this writing’s realization – that every day I can see patterns and there is no such thing as ‘I can’t become better version of myself anymore’ – that is self-delusion, well – self-deception actually. But the good thing about it that it always comes with a reason, a justification.

Why should I keep limited within this situation exactly? It’s actually fear, even the bravest soldiers can have this. I’ve met with seasoned veteran also, his point, to return home, to go to playground, where it’s peace – that freightened him, more than being on the warfield, where everything is more determined, simplistic, even if it means he faces high percentage of death.

So, my point here is that when I am tired, exhausted, I should not identify myself with that experience, as it ‘seems’ like sad, lack of energy, in a way even ‘depressed’ – and my past ‘tactic’ was to stimulate myself with intensified moments to have ‘higher vibration of energetic mind experiences’ – so then I do not feel that ‘low’.

But actually what I was dealing with was real tiredness.
So it’s a lesson to learn to be able to differentiate between real tiredness and mental/emotional tiredness(from doing the same pattern all the time and expecting same result but deep within knowing that this is not going to change(=definition of insanity), thus feeling sad about it, instead of doing something actually).

And I rested well, had more rest during this(next) day and had a coffee. Everything is more clear now, and one point to note to self that I also can have tendency to react more to others when I am exhausted. I talked with someone and I thought ‘she is really sad and not feeling good’ – and well, it was partially true, but what I ‘thought’ as extra – was completely my projection.

Well, it’s easy to say: don’t do that, like someone else would say: it’s common sense, come on, why would you need to spend hours with writing and forgiveness, why don’t you just be smart?

Accumulation and the simplest yet greatest math to understand is the key here:

1+1=2 – who I am is result of accumulation and it might just takes equal amount to change that – lack of self-honesty, disregard of common sense, awareness and responsibility was accumulated for so many days, that it’s patterns my mind and body became comfortable to do almost (or not completely) automatically. Enough to skip presence in one breath and these patterns can start acting out by themselves – well, these patterns are also me, so no escape from responsibility by separating my personality/behavior/character from self-identification.
But actually the solution is to become exactly aware of these and own them, embrace, don’t judge, and for a moment to accept who I am and thus to see the extent of insanity if I am still self-dishonest with a pattern.

Such as identifying myself, as who I am, in relation to feeling good or bad, stable or weak, when I am tired, exhausted.
In a way, then I am more vulnerable to my acceptances and allowances to own me, and they are just showing who I am today, but certainly not determining who I would have to remain so, as I can accumulate decision, commitment, honesty and motivation to change, step by step, breath by breath, day by day.

So when I write about the point I see as self-dishonest and want to change about it, it’s great that I realized it, but still there are dimensions to it what I simply HAVE TO aware of in order to be able to effectively and certainly change this point within me.

I might have insight of WHY I had, have tendency to want to identify myself energetic states, and defining myself as sad and depressed, when being tired.

Also the mind is really an energy-hungry mechanism, which I am sure that actual science has not yet looked at thus most of humanity has no idea about it within it’s utmost specificity.

Myself, also knowing about it only, because walking Desteni I Process online course and listening the extremely profound education found at http://eqafe.com – they are way ahead of our time in terms of understanding, actual support and practical solutions to personality, mental, emotional and in general self-support. It would be a great mistake to disregard this website and it’s content, especially for those, who are really interested about how consciousness, the human mind and in general creation works. Just remarkable.

So, everyone has their own mind-mojo to boost their ego, the bubble of self-interest, wherein people can retreat to and ‘rejuvenate’, to refresh, fill up and often it’s done with not absolutely self-honest action, but with abuse of self or others.

I mean, no offense to myself, but when I am exhausted, why can’t I just rest directly? What’s the problem with the tiredness experience, what I am going through actually within those moments, what I want to avoid?
This is relevant, and I understand that many require therapy from others, but with writing, self-honesty, DIP online courses, I can directly open up and walk through these points.

And although it sometimes brings up quite ‘not really to be proud of’ things, or even nasty patterns from the mind, but sharing here does not mean that I should be ashamed of – well, exactly the opposite – I am honoring myself to discover, understand and share these patterns as I also recognize that this is not really who I am, but at the moment this is I have take responsibility for.

But if I keep hiding it within myself, like a secret from others – that means I dont want others to see this within me – which in fact means I do not want/or I believe I can’t change this, so I am going to remain like this, that’s why I want to hide it. Which literally means I have no power over this -> not cool.
Rather to expose all secrets thus my mind can rest but not just by sharing with everyone, but by sharing how I am working on it to change.

I am sure of that’s the real power of social networks, sharing our inner in a structured way which can help to understand more, so then solutions can be found more effectively and broadly.
No judgement, if people share picture of their dinner, but I mostly focus on social networks to these kind of things: self-honesty, self-forgiveness, real intimacy, wanting to change, find out real potential, how to make love livable, not just a feeling or desire, how to deal with addictions, self-dishonesty, fears, resistances, and many of my contacts there do the same, so their post are more real, intimate in a way, which when I read it, I really can have insight of what they are actually going through.
They might also share some point I am also dealing with so can have actual support, or I would face similar issues later, or someone around me, so I can be supportive. That’s awesome actually.

Let’s open this restlessness/sad/energy crave point before finishing here.

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized, allowed myself to clearly see and understand, when I am exhausted to the point of not recognizing that I have tendency to become unstable and more susceptible to negative emotional patterns, with which I try to fight against, as not wanting to experience, face, or realize within; thus wanting to stimulate myself to experiences where I feel more energetic, uplifted or ‘dynamic’.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I fight myself within with energetic experiences, self-stimulation by wanting to feel good, eating sweets, all of a sudden becoming horny, needing lot of coffee or tea, go out to experience thrill – it is the moment I am trying to avoid to experience something within me, which exists in a way I don’t want or can’t change yet, but it’s too uncomfortable to remain within experiencing it.
  • I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself to be open and direct with myself to see why I feel the day as ‘unsatisfying’, even after a hard working day, so still wanting, needing more experience, yet it’s clear that I am exhausted and common sense suggests resting and relaxing.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the real point within myself, which I feel exposed to, vulnerable in relation to, when I am tired, thus not having energy to disregard within myself or get distracted from by my usual daily activities, habits – to realize what is – or are – the real thing(s) making me unsatisfied, restless and actually sad.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that what points I am bothered with, feeling unhappy and unsatisfied are the points I perceive myself being powerless in relation to, which I can’t change at the moment, or changing it requires consistent and constant self-movement, direction, change, application, work, effort and investment, which I convinced myself or excused myself from it that I can’t do it or it’s not quick enough solution.
  • I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself that I am frustrated about not getting what I want right now, and previously the things were like this I intentionally did let go, so I do not feel frustrated and I believed that is self-liberation, but actually accepting my limitations, and within these times I stick to my decisions, which of some requires longer time to manifest, but at the meantime, when I am not stable, present and self-honest, I can feel as not good enough, thus myself not being good enough, wanting to do more, stay awake more as well, as feeling I did not do all I could but wanting to, even when I am clearly in a state when I am not effective and already ‘burning my reserves’ in terms of physical energy.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within not wanting to rest at night I am being faced with a point of ‘I did not do everything I could’ as self-judgement, which I do not want to accept, however it’s already done – and also possible that I actually did, but just perceiving or believing I did not – because the things I move manifest slowly in physical real timeline and within my mind I imagined, dreamed, desired perfect and immediate solutions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within my mind what I imagine as perfect/desirable by itself has nothing to do with reality and if I do not relate, bring down to earth with viable plan, structuring, consideration and reality awareness, I am existing within delusion, thus self-dishonesty if I get frustrated about why not desire/fantasy come true.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I did not want to be honest with myself about the fact that I miss my girlfriend being with me as she travelled away and I always feared to be dependent and connected as did not want to have the missing experience, so rather I’ve closed myself down and did not get anyone that really close or define her as important part of my life, but with this person I decided to risk to really connect and thus experiencing missing her and and aspect of myself I’ve defined myself being able to fulfil with her.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that missing someone is alright, even being sad is okay, nothing to fear about that, but only self-honest if that is not influencing my stability, presence, ability to live up to my commitments, principles and self-expression.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that I would not be able to remain unaffected with sadness if I would really ‘give into it’, thus I always ensured that I never face this experience, but rather distract myself, justify why it’s OK not to give into sadness, however each time accumulating self-suppression which certainly catches up to me just not the way it would consider me and my stability, as equally so as I also not consider it what it is, as aspect of myself I try to separate from myself due to a fear I do not acknowledge, name and embrace and take responsibility for.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that sadness itself is not bad, it also can be a self-expression, what can be re-defined, thus to ensure that I am remaining honored to live words as equal as myself without compromising principle and self-honesty.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that behind my actual sadness experience is self-acceptance for things I believed not to be able to change, however within my current relationship with my sadness, it’s also an excuse – to be able to secretly release all the suppressed sadness I accumulated within me during my life but never really faced it and experienced it fully, only at very short period of times when I could not hold it anymore.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am really sad about the world, how humans are basically cannibals as literally eating each other up in terms of resources and opportunities to support life and feeling that I can’t do anything about it by myself and not realizing that change always starts with self here, thus I change myself, I express myself, I move myself and the world might resist me, but eventually I can make the world accept me, and I accumulate a certain change by one participant, which I have absolute power over, myself here. And within that realizing that my sadness is give up, give in, if I stop moving by sadness as energetic experience – and I can use sadness as a reference point to see what I can do and what I actually do.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that sadness makes me weaker, thus it’s my important interest to get rid of it and avoid it at all cost, and not realizing that I do not look at it’s source, I just want to contain and handle a consequence, which is not common sense, as prevention is the best cure, here: to be honest with myself in the first place to see of about what I feel sadness and why and how can I ensure that I do everything in my power to prevent that to happen, if actually preventable. For instance in my case – to rejoin with my partner as soon as possible, and for that to see what I have to do and then focus on doing that, and within this to see that sadness is not real, it’s just a cover up of when I do not do all I can, so it’s a cool reflection of inspiration to move.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress emotions on a daily basis as I realized if I allow them free roam within me, I compromise my common sense, logic and decision making, but not realizing that each emotion I do not face and deal with it – will remain here, in and as my body as myself and will return eventually, no escape, thus the solution here, which I did not realize to prevent myself to go into reactive-emotion-based behavior, and for that to be able to prevent I need to see the patterns, conditions, trigger points before falling into the reaction – thus literally re-writing my expression.

    So, just like it – I open up and see what’s behind emotions, memories, layers of personality.

And within writing – I am here, stable, directive, slowed down within, thus I can ‘read’ myself from within and by writing words down, I am becoming to be able to see more clearly of what’s happening within me and to also see if I am honest with myself or not.

It’s difficult to be absolutely honest with myself but that’s the only way that for longer term I prevent inner conflict to be created, and in that sense – it’s the most simple too – not in terms of doing what has to be done within self-honesty.

Also cool to write action points after realization:

  • When and as I am tired/exhausted – I recognize the tendency to get addicted to energy intensity, as when I am tired, I am more vulnerable to my temptations from my past patterns to stimulate and go into trance mode of ‘energy movement’ – which is not self-movement, but I feel like it, but within self-honesty I see that it’s self-delusion and if I accept that – I create inner conflict, which I can contain for so long until it bites me back – thus I relax, I rest – if my mind still moves when I want to rest – I use technique – relaxation, reading a book, eating, having shower, and then I rest. If I have not done all I could today when I am exhausted – I have to live with that but I’d rather focus to how I do not make the same mistake on the next day.
  • When and as I feel sad about missing someone or wanting to be with her, I realize that I am missing her expression of what I do not access within me directly for a reason and it’s my responsibility to be able to live aspects of myself regardless of others – however to miss someone is alright, so it’s ok to realize how much that person can mean for me – but if I allow myself to be compromised within stability, presence, expression – then it’s an excuse to give into temptations of energy experiences, which is again a kind of trance state in my mind, where I can disconnect from reality for a reason I do not want to know directly or wanting to hide from for a reason I do not want to word it and be aware of it, because then I would have to start changing myself.

So emotions are not bad – they all indicate self-separation, self-dishonesty, if they appear and try to imbalance or control me, especially if I become distracted from solutions, commitments and of consistent presence within self-expression – and actually I try to make myself be controlled with the energy of it, thus it’s all of me and my full responsibility to directly live, not through reactions, suppression, separation and judgement. So for that, I keep continuing and committing myself to decompose these patterns, what can be explored, understood with writing, saying and living words within unification.

Study yourself with DIP LITE, THE online & FREE course: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 335 – Self-Change with Self-forgiveness

change-with-sfSharing a point of looking back to a recent energetic reaction within my mind-body relationship, triggered by fear – and applying Self-honesty with Self-forgiveness to stop and prepare myself to prevent to repeat this automatic pattern.

Change one moment at a time. Structure yourself, your progress, your decision to not accept anything less than your true potential, which only can be discovered, manifested and truly lived with constant and consistent, disciplined and principled self-movement in and as this physical reality as unifying thoughts, words and deeds.

 

The video is my sound recording about the point with some imagery.

From the video quoting Self-forgiveness:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed patterns within my past to dictate what I should do, because I am not sure or in fear that I am not in control, therefore:
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I do not get what I want and within that not realizing that, that want I participate within is only about myself and my fear of not getting what I want, which simply means complete obsession and lost within self-interest, therefore I commit myself to stand up and stand within the principle of Equality and Oneness and I change.
  • When and as I see this energy to move, I change, I stop, I step out, I recognize, this is from my past, and therefore I move out within the energy and move into the Self-direction, the change, the recognition as who I am as I direct.

And by looking back, from the memory my fear comes from:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that worry and fear can help me to get what I want, because with that experience I get ‘tube-visioned’, so only focusing to the point of what I want, because of the fear, that otherwise, directly myself I could not get what I want.
  • And I forgive myself that I have not realized my starting point of wanting within the mind energy relationship through accepted definitions of words with memories and reacting to re-activating those, and thus not trusting myself directly here – not trusting that I can do, act, live what I decide, but through this relationship with my mind, which is self-dishonest.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized why it is self-dishonest to participate within energetic experiences of fear and worry, doubt and despair, as focusing to the side effect and not the core of the real issue I am experiencing myself as equal and one.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that my fear, doubt, despair and worry ALWAYS has explanation, justification within me, and until I am not becoming specifically aware of those word-based patterns by directly seeing them in front of me without reacting, until that I am not the directive principle here, but influences can stimulate, move and direct me, regardless of my decisions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I was in doubt and thus was afraid that my partner would leave me in my past and within that fearing that then I would need to be alone, so I could not get what I want, there would be noone to be with me, so then I would need to face myself directly, which I believed is undesirable, boring and limiting – and within these judgements, not realizing the actual opportunity to live self-honesty:
  • desire to be with someone in general, defining myself as boring, limited – and not looking to how to expand within these dimensions, but rather to just stimulate myself with someone I defined as great.
  • I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself about that I doubt myself, I fear myself ending up remaining alone, and projecting out the lack of self-trust, self-support and self-love by wanting to someone to trust me, support me and love me, because otherwise I can’t experience these qualities, as I am unable to do so alone, based on the original judgement, fears and limitations I accepted to became part of me.

– So this is like I can reveal that I fear losing the opportunity to override an original experience within myself of doubt, inability to support and love myself primarily.

Yes, this was the case, but I have changed, still changing, however this kind of pattern within my behavior still can be revealed after years of work within a specific situation, for instance mixed up with another set of memories of mine, with a specific individual I was within partnership before.

With her we had conflict, doubt, worry and even control-related self-dishonesty – I focus to myself and my responsibility, so here meaning within me, not focusing to other person, as I change myself first and she is long gone since years now anyway. But if not dealt with, a memory, a reaction, a fear pattern from the past, can remain as a splinter in the mind, and sooner or later one will face consequences, thus it’s common sense to go ahead of that and deal with it when I direct. This means I do not watch all the series, I initiate, I investigate, I prevent, I change. Actually great enjoyment to get to know myself and thus the human psyche in overall.

And after a pattern becomes more clear – also to see how and why it’s being triggered, when what exact point my partner says or reveals to me, I associate with – then I re-define what to do, ‘prescript’ myself in a way, this does not mean I become robotic – just giving a structure for a moment to myself to support with change, which takes time, and real action.

So these are layers of the consciousness. And one might think, well this can be just thought through while running in the forest for an hour.

Well, not really, thoughts can’t really be trusted as they come and go, also can trigger energetic experiences, emotions, feelings, another set of thoughts, which can compromise the ‘unbiased’ – self-honest ability to open up and walk through points within oneself.
Thus the writing, thus the recording of sound/video. Cross-reference, make notes, script and execute decisions. Sounds very machine-like, but discipline is suggested, although also not to become this rigid person, but also to have fun and enjoyment.

To learn this principle, skill, self-directed change from shyness, fear, addiction, inferiority, doubt or in overall lack of reason to live, shine and grow – investigate these supporting sites:

FREE Online course for essential skills to develop Self-honesty:
http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Self-supporting audio books for understanding the mind, behavior and existence from many angles:
http://eqafe.com

Participate in the forum and the community, or even ask for support about a point you got tired of accepting and wanting to grow out from:
http://desteni.org
http://forum.desteni.org

Day 332 – Patience and commitment

IMG_2295Continuing with Patience and discipline. This is a kind of ‘ranting’.

Last time I was writing about the inspiration about and to learn to live PATIENCE.

I am currently living patience by consistently applying the things I’ve committed to do every day within a consistent velocity to accumulate the effort until the result is manifested in the physical.

In a way, the topic, the method, the practical detail is not even relevant, but who I am within this and how I perceive, experience, see, feel and am being in general is what I want to focus here tonight.

Interesting to be able to see the abstract – yet still remain 100% practical with ground to earth moments living here in physical.

Patience is pretty much related to the physical flesh, the matter: it’s consistency, in a way – predictability is the perfect self-reflection tool to exactly be able to see who I really am without any consciousness mind noise. Actions speak, facts tell, not thoughts, neither feelings.

Of course, it’s relevant how I feel, but it’s not something to take granted or to use as reference point – especially when dealing with self-dishonesty within.

Every day I ask myself the question – can I do more for what I committed to achieve? And if I say ‘no’ – then I still cross-reference – really? Or I just answer to myself to feel better to hide or disregard or to shadow a point, even if it’s just tiny, of what I still could have tried or done additionally or differently.

Doubting myself would be self-sabotage actually, if I would fall into self-criticism so much, that the resulting reactions, frustrations would distract, obstruct me from remaining on point of effectiveness.

So, I am learning a different kind of patience as before.

And the more I see not being good enough based on the world I interact with, the less I doubt, that I am re-committing myself to continue with my decision to live it within disciplined principle.

In a way, I also can see, that there is this HUGE UNKNOWN at my door all the time, and it’s kind of heart-throbbing, I find myself present with myself, with empty mind, nothing to bring or use with me when facing it, and then I do – and realize – it is myself I discover, face and get to know. Today, literally I had this experience, being totally alone in all of existence, facing this kind of semi-anxiety, yet excitement, and to see that I only can and should trust myself and there is nothing else, so I applied: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get distracted with reactions from what’s here and I wrote words what I direct myself to live and I breathe – and in a minute, it was very stable again. But it was very fascinating to see that if I start to judge, define, relate and compare this ‘self’ experience and expression, I can completely mess it up and thus myself too. But it was alright, to risk, to make mistake, to learn, to discover. And so I did.

And the funny thing about seeing it as scary: it’s because it is suddenly here: everything I always wanted to avoid, hide, escape from, and within walking right into it’s center, another funny thing I realize: that the real scare is not actually facing and embracing my fears, but to discover what is behind them.

I always believed that the undefined is where I will find myself, freedom and power, because all of my definitions I’ve proven to be limited, delusional and self-dishonest. However, the more I decompose of my self-definitions, the merrier it’s common sense to re-define myself in a structured, self- and life-honoring way.

Thus, patience is not something I run out of, discipline is not something I get tired from, or commitment is not something I lose being motivated from, because within the re-definition there is no energy, polarity or self-dishonesty. Why should I define in a way where I am not able to live words the best possible and supportive way? And if still there is something not practical, it will be obvious within applying it and then I re-adjust, re-define, and then re-align within my application until it’s being cross-referenced in the living flesh, in and as this world. Fascinating.

This process, of walking the self-honesty, self-forgiveness and self-purification with words, to re-define the words and to learn how to honour life, self and others equally with common sense is the truth I am sharing, because this is who I am and encouraging everyone to consider, investigate and also invest into, because each of our process is different in their life, but we all are walking the same: from self-limitation to self-honesty and self-liberation.

And if you have method, process, way to be more honest, supportive and caring, please do so, just ensure that you are cross-referencing and be absolutely, even brutally honest with yourself, that you are not deluding with some energy, positive, feeling or hope-based bubble, because eventually all bubbles burst.

It’s so simple: I have thoughts, feelings, emotions – all word-based – and if I can’t describe what I feel, experience with words – it’s already an indication that I am suppressing, not being honest with myself, I am unable to see myself directly – thus means I am separated from myself, I am not the director of my life, I am not honest with myself, therefore I utilize the process with words to discover, establish and get to know what is this thing called ‘me’ exactly.

Writing is great, because I stabilize, I slow down, I focus, I discipline, I direct, I move. And it remains here. Use that, enjoy that, honour that and ask yourself the question:

Is there something you could do better – at all – any tiny thing? Why not doing it, what’s the excuse? Is it valid? How and why?

What do you really want, desire the most, or what you resist, despise or fear the greatest? Why, and how?

These are things I should consider starting with.

Patience is key, no matter what is the topic, but to actually live it, I have to remove distractions, polarities, self-dishonesty. Thus consistent application, every day 3 minutes is great, and if you can’t do, ask why? Is it real? Are you real? Do you want to be?
What’s real? Science, religion would tell? Why? Can’t I figure out, trying to live it?
Why not?
Limitation is not in the physical, it’s in the mind. Deal with that!

In terms of my current ‘real life’ process – I sometimes see distractions, which are like ‘tentacles from my past’ – when I focus to the other person and I start wonder what’s up, I realize, I am not focusing to my responsibilities, thus I breathe, I re-align. And when I am ‘here’ – I can initiate communication, but not with the reaction ‘energy’, rather than with curiosity, to see how can I support and understand more.

This approach also helps to understand that if something is not ‘ideal’ – is that something I can or should ‘fix’ – or it’s just some thought-emotion-pattern temptation I am facing.

For instance to return to the previous example: when I start question about other(s) doing what they should or are doing all right or not – if I go into worry, fear, remember some bad shit memory and I feel falling for even one moment – then I can give into the energy – which is also a cool indication that this is related to something I just participated within.
Thus, to stop, breathe, re-align and to see – what I was thinking, what was the trigger situation, thought, visual or just memory I am automated by to go into distraction.

For-giving myself is like unification with creator, created and creation itself.

Absolutely mind-blowing to do!

And again – distraction also can be turned into gift if I note it, write it down, remember, investigate it, because it’s always a full context, story and often even multi-dimensional pattern or construct I live in my mind. And it mostly distracts, diverts, pulls me away from reality, others, actual situations, thus I should be able to recognize it before I go out of sync with reality.

It might not seem as problematic if it’s just a moment, or more, but as everything in existence: this also accumulates.

Imagine driving and texting together – the more I text, the less I can drive safely and effectively. Maybe I will be all right, maybe I will miss a critical moment to prevent tragedy.

All of this I just mention, because

  • I can ‘work’ on qualities within self from multiple angles: focusing to specific words, situations to open up, understand, forgive and let go the dishonest patterns, re-define and change;
  • and also can focus to do the same with the meanwhile upcoming distractions, temptations, reactions.

The mind can be very throughout to be able to constantly preoccupy my presence, but the more I deal with it, I can realize that the mind is not the enemy, and the more I embrace, understand and be able to change it, the more it is a structured support in terms of when it moves, I don’t thus indicates self-dishonesty in a very systematic way.

And to learn that to read, deal with is essential life-skill, for which DESTENIIPROCESS.COM is crucial.

Re-defining words 

Day 326 – Desteni meeting in Europe

IMG_1833Some weeks ago I was in Brussels, where I met with a lot of people, who are, just like me, walking the process of Self-honesty and 7 years Journey to Life blogs. Most, if not all of these people are also walking the awesome online courses of Desteni I Process.

We were more than two dozens and many other Europeans still could not come, but it was already extraordinary to see and even hug so many people, who are behind these blogs I read and to just enjoy being with them, together.

Well, I knew some of them from previous meetups, but most of them I only knew from what they are sharing online through their blogs and vlogs, articles and videos on their social network profiles – just like me.

By the nature of these writings and videos, which is of self-realization, self-honesty, self-correction and self-forgiveness, the deeper understanding of what these individuals are dealing within their life, their mistakes, falls and standing ups, their secret mind, the points they do or do not like within themselves,  and this openness really supports to establish a more direct, honest and intimate communication as almost literally being able to read their minds can quite reveal the nature of their deeper selves, which naturally manifests a more honest relationship with them.

Because we could talk all day about the weather, but if about self and problems and solutions, then it is much less superficial and more real connection.

What becomes obvious quite immediately is that these are ‘every day’ people, they have a profession, a personal life, they talk, they smile, they hug and sharing a vast variety of expressions, quite naturally.

Everyone, literally anyone of this meeting I’ve talked with, I was able to have a direct, deep and meaningful conversation, often came to context of explaining an intimate point either something supporting, such as expansion or realization or a limitation, a fear, or something not so cool or a self-dishonesty and talking about how to approach a solution.

I could easily call this meeting as the opposite of superficial conversations as everyone was enjoying to become open and kind of brutally honest and it is something I value very much and I can experience it here and there back at home too, but within this ‘density’ I’ve never experienced before as at this meeting.

What became clear from the first moment is that all of us are walking through our own mind, self-dishonesty since quite some years, and we are realizing that although we each are walking completely different life path, also we are birthing the exact same quality of life force into physical expression. And this is like a real brotherhood without the blood-connection, but as a self-honesty, direct life-force connection.

Many claim that we exist as a cult, which always was, is and ever will be a ridiculous claim, and the exact proof for it was this meeting for anyone to realize that this is about simplicity, practical common sense and humbleness as we are able to see within each the same life potential as within ourselves. But to be able to honor that within others, first I have to uncover, purify and birth it to live myself.

There were a LOT of insightful conversations, also beings through the Portal with Sunette and shared points to consider, realize and live, such as realizing how ridiculous is to be mesmerized and stopped by fear of death, or to be able to own my own life and take authority on things I’ve went through and realized, manifested and lived.
It was very humbling experience to see everyone to get and even give direct support and how extraordinary and casual it was.
I’ve also got so more points to reflect back, cross-reference and work with to continue walking through and stopping inner resistances, self-limitations, self-definitions and energetic stimulations, which I am going to continue walk here.

The founder guy of this kind of expression, principle, movement was Bernard Poolman and many ‘followed’ him and when he passed away, a lot of individuals claimed that since then, Desteni is not the same, lost it’s edge, not really expanding.

I’d say, this meeting was the living proof for the exact opposite.

Many Europeans are walking their process of self-honesty and breath by breath, step by step, word by word they start to own their lives and become more clear and directive from within, expressed into the world, unified, unrestricted within the principle of equality and oneness as the starting point of what is best for all.

And that principle is so simple that many miss it as it is always here, just humans got accustomed to not being here in and as the physical flesh, as awareness but moved into mind consciousness energetic and systematic experiences and that process of awareness starts with (my)self here: what is best for me and my reality within absolute self-honesty? To stop being influenced, dragged down, limited by my past. Thus to work through that in this world, to share that process, to walk it unconditionally, that is an honor I am proud to witness and be able to participate within.

We are all going to die inevitably, that is a no-brainer and we do not have choice with that. Period.
But as who we are going to live as, and what consequences we are manifesting, what living example we show to our current and next generations – that is each and every single individual’s responsibility, and that is not a choice either. So better own that responsibility.

Big realization was also to see that it is not about when I am with ‘my kind of’ people, but actually, I can and should live the same way, talk to any other beings on earth equally open and direct, regardless if they do walk the same specific self-support course, technique, or not because what matters is self-honesty and practical awareness and responsibility, equally within everyone’s life.

Thus, this meeting have reminded me that organizing, connecting and sharing is power and I should not limit my self-expression about wanting to find or have the same starting point in relation to anyone, as that what I learn and express within this group, it is the same to be able to always live the same potential, regardless of who I am with, but simply: ‘as who I am’, period.

Day 324 – Self-leadership

IMG_1680Still walking de-composing and re-defining the word leadership, leader, leading.

Each word to live starts with self here, leading is no different. To look at how to lead myself, at first it seems too obvious and raises the question of why would not I am constantly leading myself already?

So what I have realized through walking this process of Journey to Life, which is writing down my mind, seeing where I give into fear, self-interest, unrealistic desire or wherein I am compromising my support, growth and expansion and once I see the thought-patterns, the trigger points, the attached memories, the reactions, the energetic experiences, physical consequence, I have the ability to change and take responsibility.

In this context, where do I allow to unbalancing emotions, inner resistances, energetic addictions, fear or even direct or indirect spite towards others to influence, control and take over my actions? That is where I have to OWN my leadership to so speak, to my beingness, self and self-honesty to become the directive principle, not my unsolved past problems.

Many people immediately associate leadership with big bosses, CEO-s, military commanders, cult leaders, but actual, real leadership always starts with SELF. Otherwise how can I be sure that leading others is not altered, compromised my own lack of self-leadership?

Thus, then how can I assist and support myself to lead myself within integrity, principle and stability? How to find balance within all of the experiences, things, activities and consequences a human has to deal with, in a way, which is not only ‘okay’, but also stands out, shows an example of what’s really good for all participants in this human-nature closed system, what’s possible.

Self-honesty can not be mimicked or imitated, this is not something what comes by the phrase of ‘fake it until you make it’, but exactly the opposite. I have to become my own authority, the initiative, the living and expressing decision of who I am within unison and consistency to be able to stand firmly every day, in every minute, with every breath.

A challenge within decision-making is doubt, especially when it’s about leadership. No matter what was the decision to do, within reality problems will appear, what then have to be solved without hesitation or reaction, otherwise the problem escalates to the point of compromising the whole process, whatever it might be.

To be able to make decisions practically and effectively, a leader has to have knowledge about the situation, the possibilities, the actual method what has to be done, otherwise might risking the impossible to do, which then can result in failure.
If that happens, certainly does not boosts confidence, so leadership is also about to honestly see what is actually doable, what can be risked and what can’t. What to compromise when, and what never to. What abilities are my weak and strong points and to be able to answer why.

Leading is also about taking the initiative, to literally ‘lead the way’, which brings or results in change. To be able to face, anticipate and even enjoy that change, if possible; it’s certainly a challenge, but depending on the context of leading, it can be supported by writing down all the factors, relevant informations, variables and constants.

It’s easy to see here that by looking at leading a company, a country, as to live the word lead is not much different within definitions when I try to apply it to myself, my personal life, my direction.

When I am deciding to change a habit within myself, let’s have a typical example here:

To stop abusing myself by alcohol and drugs – while almost all of my friends currently do not want to stop doing it. It’s challenging. But even to make that decision, I have to be able to see clearly that why I want to stop, what made me decide to really stop and also to have a look at how I am going to do that.

It’s actually quite easy in theory – I just do not drink or take drug. Simple as that. But if all of my personal, social life was around it, it is who currently I am, then I will have impulses not to stop, facing resistances to stop. And this is just from within, and when others will keep telling, asking, even commanding me to drink ‘just this one for me’ – to say firmly ‘NO’ might be difficult.

So to initiate such change within my life, I lead myself to support what is best for me. And if I really look at it with common sense, I cannot do wrong or harm if I do not drink anymore, so whatever others say, they still talk to the person who I initiate to change, so they might have no idea that I am in the phase of change.
And if their communication, responses or even persuasions still influence, direct me – then I am simply realizing that yes, in theory I have made the decision to change, but in reality, I am still being leaded by aspects of myself I am currently not ‘leading’ within myself, so it’s time to investigate those points within me to understand why I still hold onto my past within and as self-definitions, manifesting into action.

For instance, when I experience inhibition, tiredness, feel of exclusion without taking the alcohol/drug, I look at how am I limiting myself to still be inhibited, why I feel tired or excluded without doing the same mind-altering ritual as others?
Why can’t I be simply uninhibited without anything, what is the resistance and why? What do I fear or risk making me stop unconditionally expressing?
In a way my ‘freedom of expression’ is not even really me if only can be accessed by influence of substances – thus I am actually the slave of this condition, relationship within me, what allows me to be uninhibited, when feeling the effect of the stuff.
What is the actual fear when I would just talk, move, dance as freely as I do when being drunk or high?
When I investigate this, it’s almost like not even me having party, but the drug/alcohol and my mind with me, but not me directly, which is quite weird thing to realize.

Obviously, when I want to face reality without any mind-altering, I am facing reality more, which might also can be disappointing, but that’s the thing with reality, it’s direct, it’s real, meaning if it’s not cool, it will be like that until I change it.
So then I can realize – I can change reality, but first I have to face and embrace it.

I have walked this path with alcohol and drugs and it’s actually mind-blowing how greatly supports my stability, self-honesty and growth within awareness and expression.
Also, many people do actually reflect to me with respect, admiration and even jealousy sometimes that they can see that this would be great for them too, but they did not yet or cannot make this change within their life.

But some are actually inspired to try, well, not actually by me, but their own reaction to me when they realize that here is someone who do what they actually would like to do. But not really-really – just some parts of them. So in a way, they are also allowing themselves to exist within refractions through their ever-changing mind. And that is certainly not confidence, neither stability. Once I decide what I do with myself, I should be able to do it. Otherwise I am not actually owning my life, but I am being owned by something I have no actual power over.

That’s in a way, already leadership. Directing myself to initiate a change, to manifest it and stand as that change consistently – leading by example, not by force or manipulation. And if there are others, who do not want to change it within themselves, it’s fine – I do not react, but if there is opportunity and potential, I can have a little share of reflection to the individual, if it seems supportive in the context and situation I find myself within. For instance if someone got some mess to themselves by doing something uncool while under influence, to just remind the person that the current trouble he/she is facing right now, it would not be existent, if they would not have got drunken/high so much. But it’s not really a ‘mission’ for me to lecture anyone, my responsibility is within my decision to live.

But to be able to do that – well, with alcohol, actually for me it was not that extremely difficult, but in my past I have abused myself with it extensively, just before I stopped drinking, I have realized that this is not really supporting me and my awareness when drinking uncontrollable amount of drinks becomes extremely limited, which leads to poor decisions, bad physical experiences and actual waste of time and money. But with drugs, psychedelics and marijuana, I had to walk a longer path to stop first. And for that I had to walk a process of self-honesty and self-purification so to speak.

To purify my relationship with my past, memories, personality, reactions, patterns to stop participate within those what are infused with fear, doubt, resistances and when not taking responsibility for myself.

Purify here meaning to see the relationships within me, the exact words I associate with patterns of fears/resistances, the emotional reactions, suppressions, the physical experiences, the actual inner or outer trigger points and when recognizing that I am about to ‘enter into the same pattern to do the same shit again’ – I give myself a new chance, a change, literally for-giving myself for accepting and allowing myself that until this point I was giving into this fear, this compromise, but here no further, I make a stand, no matter what!

And if that starts with not smoking that good-smelling, smoking joint what comes around in the circle today, right now, then that’s what I am going to do. Certainly I will survive! Then justifications and excuses will come, ‘oh just one more time’ – ‘I have pain, for that I need’, ‘I will be more creative, smooth, relaxed’, ‘this is for consciousness growth’, etc. – Then I realize – my mind has movement, power and direction, and until I still identify myself with this reasoning, I am going to go into the pattern again. Even if I will regret later, especially if I have made the decision NOT to do it at this moment, which is showing me who is the boss right now, who is leading, my manifested inner mirror of who I accept myself to be – my mind consciousness system.
Mind as computer-like machine, consciousness as a multi-dimensional system.
And if I give into these justifications – then I have to open up, write down, understand and forgive those too – if my decision is still to say and do not more alcohol/drugs.

If I ‘change my mind’ so to speak, meaning ‘not wanting to stop anymore’ – it’s fine, as long as I will not regret this ‘give in’ moment later. Or if I will, I will certainly undermine my self-trust, confidence and clarity.

The hardest within this is probably not to judge myself, especially when ‘falling into a pattern, what already decided to stop’. To blame, curse, hate myself, which is obviously not supportive, not helping, but also showing that I am still accepting my mind consciousness system to be my real leader. Which is only a manifested consequence of my accumulated previously accepted and allowed decisions and actions.

The practical common sense when shit hits the fan is to ACT IMMEDIATELY. To recognize that any reaction in my mind is like throwing myself into a swamp – it will swallow it, but in a way myself too and not really being a solution, I will just sink more. Meanwhile the problem remains, plus the actual fact that I gave in, did not stop, lost direction also accumulates, – so next time when I face this point, I will also have the memory, my habit, even my physical imprint about this moment as I gave in/up.

The emotional reaction with self-judgement might generate ‘energy’ not to do it next time, but the dynamics of emotional mind-energy house-holding is also important to realize here, to not get stuck into a pattern of only to move when ‘being worked up’ within, like becoming so angry and irritated and only to start moving by that energy ending up to do/not to do something I want. Because, if the next time this emotional/anger energy is not present, then I might not move the same way as I did before, thus ending up ‘falling back’ into the pattern I want to stop. Then judging myself again to have that energy to be able to stop. And it’s a vicious circle and this certainly undermines self-trust and effective self-leadership.

That’s why direct self-expression and actual movement is key here, not through the emotions, feelings and thoughts to start moving self, to live life, the words I decide to express. Thus then, my mind has no power, actually me directly here is the leader.

That’s self-leadership, to realize the need for change within self-honesty, to plan and initiate that change and live it unwavering, skipping the mind, but to live in and as the flesh directly.

I will continue with Self-forgiveness and Self-corrective statements about my points what I see still influencing and undermining effective and self-honest self-leadership.

There are a LOT of extremely supporting audio interviews about the topic of LEADERSHIP, which I strongly suggest to listen, not only for those who are or going to be leaders in the system, but for everyone wanting to become the leader of their own individual life as well.

Self-leadership also starts with getting to know the deeper levels of ourselves. A free online course here presents an unique way to learn more about our relationship with our mind, self, body to be able to change what is not supporting us:

Day 322 – Leadership opening up

IMG_1679Last time I was writing about being awkward. If I look beyond that self-limitation, there are a lot of points what I was suppressing as well.
Let’s look one particular point what started to open recently.

I was listening three of amazing EQAFE support interviews in regarding to Leadership

(links at the end of this post).

I’ve been circling around this word since a while and within my DIP PRO course assignment also pops up from time to time and the more I become honest with myself, this is an aspect of me, seeing the potential on how to expand with it, but it is also becoming clear that there is much work to do in order to birth that potential into life.

Thus, walking some memories, decomposing some constructs of my own relationship and personality of the word and it’s meaning of LEADER and LEADERSHIP.

Right away, there has always been a controversy of two opposite opinions about this within me: since my childhood, all I ever wanted is to have more power, possibilities and freedom, while on the other hand I have been accumulated so much willingness and desire to directly lack, deny and escape responsibility.

After many years, here I am and already realized that responsibility is the only way which through I can be really free of my self-limitation and powerlessness, thus since a while I specifically aim parts of my life wherein I am directing myself to open up and realize: where I am still not taking responsibility for myself and then(or at the same time) the world as well.

So I start with walking Self-forgiveness immediately, instead of sharing a lot of memories, because that is not really required here to start to see, as this point I have focusing to since a while in reflection to things happening in my personal, interpersonal and global life events, so I just directly apply practical understanding through actually taking responsibility with seeing what I have not yet acknowledged, but in a way, in the background, I have always known.

Self-forgiveness

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire leadership, to become a leader and not being honest with myself to see that this desire is fueled by my own powerlessness, insecurity and wanting to compensate values, aspects, abilities and personality traits of others, who I defined as more than who I perceive myself to be.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want power and efficiency, but not wanting to take responsibility for who I am, for the reactions, thoughts, feelings and emotions are happening within me, overwhelming, distracting, dis-empowering me, but directly wanting to exert power into the world, because then others would see how powerful I am and based on their reactions, I would feel myself more powerful.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself to see/realize/understand that I want to seem as powerful in order to be judged as powerful, so then based on judgements, starting to believe that indeed I am powerful.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the polarity-energy play within myself as wanting to experience ‘positive‘ judgments about me in relation to leadership and power to COMPENSATE the already existing ‘negative‘ judgments/beliefs/self-definitions within me and not realizing the common sense to stop/remove the ‘negative’ directly with self-honesty and self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-commitments to change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve defined people in leading positions as something I could be good at without actually understanding what they do, what qualities they live and how.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that leader, as the word itself explains itself, meaning that the one, who leads the way, which mostly means to initiate, to move first, without anything or anyone outside of themselves and that requires self-trust, self-knowledge and self-dedication, which I never considered to see it as actual qualities I can learn, but as being not my type, not my personality, not my way and not realizing that these are simply excuses and justifications of why I should give into the resistance to face and change my personality if I do really want to be a leader.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that my initial desire to become leader comes from the realization that I allow myself to be leaded by forces outside of me, even when I do not want, I do realize that it’s not supporting me, thus to compensate/fight that powerlessness, started to grow a desire for power and leadership.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that ANY leadership starts with self, self-leadership and to deal with myself, my inner representation, my mind, my personality, my ‘demons’, so to speak, the patterns what constitute the chance to compromise my stand, to doubt myself, to give into resistances, to not want to change, initiate, move.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that my resistance towards leading, leading systems, others is the manifestation of the resistance to lead myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that until self-leadership will not spread and become a living expression of all individuals, there always will be leaders, which means master and slave relationship.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that leading is not about the power as it is mostly given, and if one does not live with that given power well, it might or will be taken away – even if it’s about self-leadership and self-given power – any doubt, resistance, fear can compromise that power.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to take responsibility for what and who I am and within that to realize that I can change if I decide so, and the very fact that I am not changing is the indication and proof of that I am not taking responsibility and thus accepting my limitations to direct me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy leaders around me by what I perceived as having access to power and thus wanting to be leader and only looking what they have but not questioning the process they actually became leaders with what qualities and actions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only thing stops me from being leader is the self-sabotage of not leading myself first.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not yet ready to become a leader and within that not seeing what actual justifications I hold onto, what makes that belief within me.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the postponement of actually walking the path of a leader is the belief that first I have to become perfect, then once I am ‘ready’, then I will lead and within that not realizing that there is no perfection without making mistakes first and the ability to admit and change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized, named and worded the actual excuses and justifications I am holding onto for not taking responsibility to lead myself, to initiate movement and change within myself and the world as equal as one in a consistent practical application.

Conclusion

So, this should do as a start, at the end the realization came to the surface that I actually have to list up the points I perceive as blocking me to lead myself effectively.

I start with a brief list here and I will continue in the next post with this fascinating topic.

  • The belief that once I become a leader, I will have less time for entertainment and to actually do what I like, such as learning, investigating, discovering.
  • The belief that first I have to face all my demons to not get into any possible compromising situation ‘out there’ in the world.
  • The belief that I am not stable and consistent enough
  • The belief that my communication skills are not yet effective enough
    The belief that I am not yet walking a supportive, enjoyable and stable partnership with someone first
  • The belief that I have to remain somewhat alone and secluded in order to become someone who will not compromise leadership and responsibility first versus personal interest, such as relationship and family and it’s a friction within between wanting partnership, but only if it’s not compromising my ‘plans’ and having the belief that I should not care about such details, but only focus to my ‘plans’
  • The belief that I am not direct, in a way ruthless or impersonal enough and being vulnerable for people to be able to influence me with their social skills, beauty or my insecurities

These are just a few and some of them are already seem ridiculous for me at the moment I write them down, so at first sight they do not seem relevant or real problematic, but still: came up, thus worth writing down and to see what is behind that particular belief.

Just like with fears and phobias – many people hold onto so many kinds of fears without even being aware of how ridiculous it might seem if the person would actually take the effort to write it down to see in front of them.

A point I see worth mentioning in regarding to fear:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from jumping into action in regarding to leadership, which is the fear of making so big mistakes that would manifest irreversible consequences, what could sabotage my intention, direction towards leadership.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I focus to the fear and it’s resonance, I do not look at the point I fear manifesting, I do not see if it’s realistic, what I can do to prevent it, but I spend time to not move, not act, but only react within.

And the last should be this:

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within seeing the initiative to become leader, but not actually specifying of what kind of leader within what ‘field’ I want to lead, initiate, move change, thus it’s all abstract, undefined, un-graspable, which is to protect my level of involvement with leadership, which is only self-stimulation, not actual reality-walking and manifesting.

This is greatly challenging and recommended everyone to walk as can reveal so many points of self-dishonesty to work with and being able to face, understand and stop.

These are the awesome EQAFE interviews about leadership I’ve mentioned and support me and others greatly:

https://eqafe.com/p/what-is-leadership-to-you-the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-103

https://eqafe.com/p/what-is-blocking-the-leader-within-you-the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-104
https://eqafe.com/p/the-birth-of-a-leader-begins-with-self-the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-105

And a personal blog post from Marlen to look Leadership as well, suggested to read:

https://marlenvargasdelrazo.wordpress.com/2017/04/13/557-self-leadership-and-the-message-of-jesus/