Day 406 – Thinking is suppression

img_4549In my last posts I’ve opened up various angles to suppression.

This is a sort of ranting about the topic to bring up more points.

To be honest (great phrase) – every single thought is suppression. We can argue, justify, deny or protect this statement, but the fact is fact.

Of course, definition of LIVING can depend person by person, someone simply define thinKING as truly living – yet that does not make it objectively real.

I used to think a lot. Literally, my childhood was mostly about thinking and although most of the humans like to associate and refer thinking as something great, respectable and rewarding, it’s still a form of self-distraction from what’s here in physical reality.

I used to believe that by thinking I am able to avoid and solve problematic situations, because I am using my past, my memories, my knowledge, my wisdom(lol) to learn from the mistakes, to find and create new possibilities.

Sometimes I could not stop the thoughts, reactions and judgments in my head, especially when I made a mistake, caused a not so great consequence by my definitions. Oftentimes this resulted me to replay the dramatic event/experience in my head many-many times and I was trying to – consciously and sometimes unconsciously – think myself through of that micro-or macro-traumatic memory. Maybe I will understand more of why this happened, or I will be able to overcome my reactions and feeling crap about if if I replay it in my head the 500th time.

The unwanted echoes of my mind are the thoughts I’ve assisted to appear and make an impression on me and the more times I did, the more it was carved into the automatism – programmed to repeat the same patters all over.

What I have not admitted for long-long time was that even though a thought had a feedback, a critique, a reason – I often was just reacting emotionally to it – for instance replaying the event of ‘she said we are done’ – and immediately I was back there, in the cold, alone, with loss and disappointment tuned to the maximum degree.
Just an example – fascinating – looking back – after a crappy day spent like that, waking up in the next morning I was empty, clear – no sadness, no bad mood – but eventually I was triggered to remember, to react again – it’s like I am naturally healed, my mind is now empty when I wake up, but I relapse again.

In this sense it’s interesting play to look at every day as a new life – I am reborn – I go to sleep, I lose my consciousness, I am not here, I am gone. And then waking up and in that moment my mind is empty, I have the opportunity to be here, to look forward, to keep living – and then BAM! – remembering some crap and being triggered to feel bad again.
Then going out, because one still have to get some cash otherwise might not eat soon – and then it’s like a soap opera to maintain sort of effectiveness yet inside flaming this sadness.

Ridiculous – of course, one can justify when someone close dies – I do not say not to cry, not to ‘bury’ and let go – but when one keeps not being able to move on from the past after a while is like stating out: I give up on the future and myself, in the past I had bad stuff, now I am marked, doomed, so I am going to be this sad puppy and it’s a great excuse not to grow, not to be open, not to support anymore.

I hated that feel and overall experience – I want to keep moving forward, having the upper hand on my life, to be optimistic, to still ride the dragon towards the beautiful fulfilling sunset!

I also did not like that when I am emotional, I just disregard logic and common sense. IT DOES NOT MATTER, FUCK YOU! Is what my mind becomes and my effectiveness in reality just drops to close to zero. That’s so compromising, humiliating and degrading state, so I needed something to be able to overcome any emotional overwhelming experience.

TADA! That’s how suppression came for me and then I was this good boy who never cries, who never shows feelings, well I did sometimes, but it’s like 1/100th of what I was within – because to any direction I tried to express myself – BAM! I got some emotional reaction and I felt like I am losing CONTROL.
Control, meaning that having a situation and I am unable to think through, over-analyse to filter out the possible pitfalls, mistakes in advance before acting.

As there is this cute story when the fox wants to borrow a shovel from the rabbit. He walks in the forest and starts thinking – what if the rabbit can’t give the shovel today because he is using it. Hm..What if he lent it to someone else already…Hmmm…what if he just does not trusts me that much…hmmmmm – and when he reaches the Rabbit’s house, he just says: You know, Rabbit, fuck your shovel!

This is my young age in a nutshell. I have missed so much opportunity to express, to learn, to interact, to grow because of this almost paranoid overthinking of everything to try to avoid mistakes and experiences I judged as bad.

Suppressing all the mind-leak of emotional result of those excessive thinkings was not a perfect method. What you suppress, accumulates and will be exerted when it’s too much – not when I want, not how I want – it just BAM! happens.
And eventually will result in doing stupid things which I will again over-analyse, judge, feel bad about, becoming emotional and then suppress again.

These things should be taught in kindergarten and elementary school so then everybody can learn to deal with and solve, not what politician did which law or who won in the battle of 261 BC (I don’t mind if someone wants to research it, just to be mandatory of such things is literally sabotaging life-potentials at early age).

When I finished university, I was mostly the same, just was able to socialize myself to the extent of navigating myself through the system while juggling my mind-emotional-suppression balance so then I could keep falling forward.

What suppression does is literally taking physical life force away as the excessive mind-patterns will suck that out and creating this virtual experience, but the cost is that one gets older, sick, counterproductive and also susceptible for various fallacies and traps one can find within society. Alcohol and drug abuse, toxic relationships, financial struggles, and in general losing one’s true potential in life to celebrate it with giving back to the whole world what we have taken granted as the unconditional support most of us get from our parents, family, nature, etc.

I had glimpses of that this suppression is getting ridiculous, I did dare steps towards change – for instance I was self-defined as really introvert person, what was just insanely great for doing meditation – I was advancing with those practices like a superhero, however, because of the character of my mind, it has been proven to be a two-edged sword: I had experiences and insights during meditations what many only can read within holy books, however when it was about to actually benefit those in reality, I was always fallen behind – so that’s why I started to play against my character.
I was resisting to be social and do something what is really difficult for me – as I always got money by being a computer programmer, just by sitting at the machine, doing the code work, sending it to the system and being rewarded with good money. I liked that but also realized that it’s a trap for me, so for a while I was doing various kinds of jobs, wherein I had to socialize, talk with humans, organize, direct and that was a huge step to face my suppression.
This was around 2004. In two years I felt like I do not need to meditate anymore, I know oneness, I know universal wisdom, yeyeye, I need earthly practice. So I learned music, juggling, travelling(it’s a skill, especially if money is an issue) – and I was able to play along with my suppression.

However the main points remained – to be honest with myself, any time, absolutely was just never possible – there was always a thought process pulling me out from direct responsibility – and if not, worst case, there was the good old shame to mesmerize me to feel bad in order to initiate some sort of attempt to change – until the shame experience was gone, so I could return to the same patterns until the next loop of crappy shame again.

This can easily become someone’s entire life and I consider myself as lucky because I found Desteni support, the community, the interviews, the principles, the tools, the courses and it was and still is the most simplest thing in the world!

But by looking at, interpreting through, trying to process with our mind, thinking, emotions, reactions: it is most likely resisted, rejected and even attacked.

Although it seems simple – it is the most difficult thing anyone can face – because it is about facing, embracing, understanding myself as directly and fully as possible and taking full responsibility for everything I accept and allow.

Simple, because facts, our current experiences, impressions, reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions and actions are here to assist us to understand who I have became – it’s obvious – facts are facts.

Difficult, because to admit, to accept, to acknowledge without judgement of positive or negative, without resisting to see reality as it is – it is challenging, because one might feel that starts with picking up a piece of garbage in the park and ending up considering the future of humanity if continues to consider consequences of our actions.

And in this example: every day I walk through a park – I see this plastic garbage every day and not picking it up. Every day. So I will keep seeing it, accepting it, allowing myself not to take responsibility for it because it’s someone else’s problem, because it’s not my job, someone gets money for that to do, etc – except in that morning alone walking through moment – the opportunity is here – I just push my arm out and lean a bit down and picking it up and throwing into a bin nearby. Not rocket science. What I mean is that as actions accumulate – the lack of action also does.

That’s why, whenever I think about a scenario and trying to comb out bad attempts by judging them as bad – I am not acting, I am suppressing. It’s like seeing a lady every day and thinking about how cool it could be to go out with her for a tea etc, yet never doing it – instead of expressing – suppressing. I wrote about this many times, but doing it again to dig deeper.

Why do I suppress? What do I suppress? What I do not express? Why I do not express that?

It’s not that difficult to ask – then to answer. It’s a skill to be able to answer to myself honestly. Needs practice and self-trust.

That’s why it’s important to not fearing making mistakes – if those are not horrible and capital destruction – to maybe make them – in a way it’s every day mistake when I do not act – so to act and do something silly or not doing it perfectly is fine. Because then I can see my action and consequence – and that’s how I learn. Not by thinking about things based on my memory, definitions and expectations. That’s a trap.

Many do not realize that this seems like a problem only for the introvert and not really living people. To a certain extent they might be extreme. But most of the humans do this – when they are alone maybe, or when they are being in a situation what they do not like or something worrisome – they will think, judge, react and not do!

Whole industries are specialized to these kind of feedings – such as gossip media, about celebrities, so anyone can read up things about those people’s life and can judge them, react to those information and then safely form their opinion about them. Rich people, famous people, powerful people, poor people, stupid people – just to judge and react.

All suppression. Suppressing life potential, suppressing self-honesty and suppressing real change.

I suppress greed and ambition, desire and fear – it’s not a big thing to admit – but as there is the saying: the devil is in the details: I need to know the specifics.

It’s similar when archaeologists dig, or auctioneers research a piece – it’s history, the life of that thing, when, how and why it was created – when I look at a piece of tool from 4 thousand years ago, it’s more value when I can understand the context of that piece – or by looking at a painting of a haystack – how comes that it worth 81 million dollars – without the context it is just a cool painting. But by understanding it’s era, what it represents, who created it and why – it carries a lot of insights.

All my suppression come from not expressing myself naturally and as it grew in my mind, kept being twisted and losing context with livable reality.

Most of my greed and ambition comes from glimpses of my perceived and not yet developed/lived potentials.

Most of my desires come from self-judgements of them and thus myself being bad.

Most of my fears come from my other suppressions kept being accepted and trying to avoid the uncomfortable truth.

I mean we all going to die anyway – yet each of our action and not action accumulates consequence in every moment equally. By looking at life holistically, how much we’ve been given to and how much we’ve given – it’s a closed system – if one is not seeing the nature of existence with equality and oneness, they are delusional – and for a reason!

Every day to discover a little bit more about one’s suppression will also accumulate.

And we have a really great tool to understand suppression: our thinking mind – it will exactly show for what and why do we suppress.

I know, what about the ‘great thinkers’ one might ask?

And many can feel to be threatened by taking away their precious tool to survive in this system by believing that ‘I can’t be in this system without keep thinking!’ – not true!

It’s also possible to utilize the mind – without this reactional, almost involuntary thinking.

I’ve spend quite some years to figure out the answers for the greatest spiritual questions: ‘Where our thoughts are coming from, who we are, where are we coming from and where are we going to?’ – meanwhile I kept suppressing the thoughts I judged as uncool. Keep searching for the big truth out there, meanwhile I have this mind consciousness system located in and as me as this human physical body I try to control, suppress, dominate, abuse and stimulate with thoughts, feelings and emotions.

To understand what it means to let go those stimulation – and not to THINK that without those we are not humans, we are not being able to live and enjoy – is possible. I was able to, many were able to understand with the Desteni tools.

It’s completely different level to think you are versus KNOW you are and be you are.

I must admit, I had a phase when it was difficult to do my daily job without thinking – computer programming, software engineering, managing platform systems – I do not really think much now – as thinking is always limited by the past. One might call this intuitive – I don’t – writing also assists to see things in front of me – and I look, I read, I follow up, I research, I ask and I try things – but it’s not thinking, it’s rather a self-movement. And if it’s not – then I eventually realize it and will re-align from frustration, judgement, polarity to just look at facts and figure out problems and solutions. Same with social interactions. And doing artistic-like expressions – or driving car – making love or planting seeds – literally or indirectly – it’s like a leap of faith in myself to live in this moment directly instead of clinging back to my thoughts to hypnotize me to take sides at uncertain – doubtful – situations.

Many believe that thinking outside the box is the solution, yet not realizing thinking is the box.

It starts with small steps. To just being able to exist for some moments without thoughts is quite liberating.

No need to meditate for hours for a piece of mind, to halt the endless battle of good and evil inside is literally a nirvana. Yet it is just the start.

Thinking also can be re-defined to respect self-honesty, self-expression, self-trust, self-expansion as equal as all life. To see connections without being driven by the process of seeing those connections, without being influenced by information ( am I in formation with what?). Everything is code and thus can be revealed if one follows the words. Every emotion is coded by words, every feeling, every conviction, belief and perception.

Writing words is the most powerful tool to reach that sort of nirvana – but it’s not blissful, neither beautiful, because often truth hurts. But once one starts to express within writing, will experience more clarity and quietness within.
IF the writing is based on self-honesty and eventually self-forgiveness.

It’s like when I dig up an old tool in the yard – it’s dirty, maybe stinky and not pleasant – but I can clean it, repair it – that’s my potential, my inner innocence, my life force what has been suppressed during the indoctrination of this current human system. No one to blame but to see what can be done about it.

Everyone has crap inside and to give a new chance, to forGIVE self is beautiful. Nice, wonderful, glorious, honorable and now I am just playing with words of positive crap so you can check if you react in any way whatsoever to this fun and then expose the automatic mind within, because that might be the director of your life and maybe often it’s doing great but might be some situations where it messes up, and it is you then who have to own it and take responsibility for. Nothing is beautiful without it’s context and it’s kind of subjective, so then worth checking how am I with self-interest versus all life-interest. Am I only this cell, separated from everything and thus being against anything for survival or can I see the equal-ity within all what’s existing?

All I can or should do here now is to take responsibility for my own suppression and self-dishonesty and do something about it instead of this much blabber-mouthing.
See – this might be a judgement – self-judgement is the source of all suppression.
Body awareness is also another key to support oneself within this process, because often it’s not that obvious, because the mind can be so quick or obvious – I literally become it so from that point I do not see it, so I need to have various kinds of support to be able to cross-reference what is real, self-honest and practical common sense.

Further self-forgiveness will commence. It can give more insight, specificity and clarity of(and for) our self-creation.

In the meantime I highly recommend to support oneself with understanding the world through joining the awesome EQAFE existential audiobook library:

Absolutism interviews from eqafe:


Day 398 – Loss in my memories

IMG_1574Looking at loss in itself by my memories.

Definitely interesting aspect of self. Recently I started to work with the definition of this word and it is extremely rewarding to comb out the delusions and fears from our code of living.

It is quite easy to trip down to the reactionary emotional roller coaster when got attached to something or someone and ‘losing them’ for any reason. I am left with a relationship in my head without backup from reality. Literally my mind goes off-sync with facts and I am still responding through memory.

Not saying the best to become steel-hearted computing machines when someone passes away or leaves us, but to be adult and mature means to be able to mourn or even celebrate all we got from what we no longer experience, yet to remain in practical reality without pretending or faking stability.

I’ve had a quite emotional breakup a year ago what seemed very dramatic in that time and what made me stabilize is that there is only way to remain here and keep moving forward by respecting what I have learned, gained and grew with. What I gave and received, what was here as a visible potential and who I can become or even more.

What was also assisting that I was very transparent so to speak of what I experience, realize and struggle with during the whole partnership and although the other person did seem to appreciate it, was not given back to me on the same level and I reacted to that, so there was this hidden expectation that if I open up, the other will as well, which then is the door to any kind of solution. Seems natural from a perspective. It seemed practical too, difficulties presented themselves, if the commitment is valid to stay together, there is nothing what really is a problem, only solutions to find and apply to.

Based on that loss experience, I felt as I am losing the opportunity of this transparent open communication and I got attached to that, because my definition of it was not of and for self primarily, or even if it was, also was conditioned to a partner. That was a mistake.

One should not rely to another within stability and honesty, it’s self work. One can give or receive support with it, and any dependency should be agreed and committed to, otherwise it’s not support but a time bomb.

I also had several occasions when I concluded that the only ‘defense’ against the overwhelming loss and disappointment was that I am ‘impeccable’, I did all I could – and although it’s not entirely true as were mistakes by me, were weaker moments when I reacted with blame and worry, but in the bigger picture, I felt like this is me in this moment and situation and one can like it or not, I KNOW that I will improve and grow, especially by making those mistakes and learning from them. I used to be almost literally petrified by the overwhelming thought-streams of possible mistakes to make in reality, thus had to re-align with this and simply go out, be vulnerable and do my best while accepting that I will make mistakes not to judge but learn from.

So at a point also had to realize, the other has her process, her reasons, experiences and challenges and it is certainly not my style to convince anyone to stay with me so the loss I experienced was obviously personal and in a way to my own desires and expectations about the person.

Usually all of my angers are obviously against myself – when someone does something what feels really not cool to me usually I blame myself for trusting the person, often for not seeing, interpreting signs and for hoping to be able to trust and I am angry because I feel stupid as was a mistake to trust the another. But not really for trusting the other I am angry – I am angry, because I let go of self-trust unconditionally here. Big difference.

Well, within that self-inflicting anger it is to realize that anger is powerlessness, because I let myself to believe that I have no power of directing my trust, hope and openness, but in fact I do.

When people ‘fall in love’ – it is obviously automatic, they do not have power over that, it happens by their standards, desires, hopes and judgments. So whenever I automatically trust and hope and it turns out to be not rewarding or trustworthy, I automatically feel disappointment and anger.

So as it comes, goes – that’s why destonians suggest not to trust love in the mind, as energy, as it is a false prophet – will appear, stimulate and go – equally so within the another person – this is called the ultimate unpredictability, it is quite a toll to rely on this for self-stability for starters.

The whole arrow of cupid hits me thing is showing how gullible we can be to our desires, hopes and delusions. I do not say from this ‘sudden’ love people can’t build and grow true and real love(what is action, in reality, care, commitment and stability), just it can’t be automatic.

I was with a girlfriend in a previous relationship at least 12 years ago, who with I did not have this automatic emotional train ride and I defined it to be ‘not love’, ‘boring’ and now I see it was kind of cool because it was an opportunity to define and live love, whatever I would like it to be, but as I was raised in an abusive environment, where argument and conflict established the emotional baseline, I was always attracted to that kind of relationships. Also, the lady seemed to ‘fall’ in love with me, even on her strange way she demonstrated that and it was difficult for me, because it seemed as fun at first but the more time passed, it was obvious that in a way I can have temptations to use her and not really being the best of myself with her. I judged myself, her and I did not want to commit, so ended it. Interestingly from time to time this comes back at me and makes me wonder if it was a good decision or not, because I got the opportunity to create something and I was just not ready for that. I was so busy with the whole mind-stimulation with drugs and basically I was mind-possessed with self-interest. Years had to pass while I was able to walk through those patterns, but I see it now, I was able to see what I am doing, yet did not come up to fully conscious level, but enough to become uncomfortable of my own patterns.

What I see with not automatic ‘fall in love’ relationships is that it is also a work, a creation process – similar to go to a party without being drunk in a way – one has to be a bit more honest and a bit move oneself to really enjoy and get loose, it does not happen automatically.
Some are inhibited on the dancefloor, alcohol or drugs can help, but then it is kind of automatic, it is NOT SELF-DIRECTION. So it is disempowerment.
Not saying not doing it ever, away with the radical crap, just speaking of self-honesty, mano to mano with myself. It might be called a bridge once or twice, but beyond that it is called a crutch and kind of addictive.

In a way, within that recent relationship last year, it started with clear head but then I got attached to the idea of this being as a ‘clear head’ relationship, and then slowly but surely became a not so clear head one, when I started to see that it’s slipping away and I did not want it to let it go, I tried to work harder on keeping it, solving things, while was obvious that the other has no interest or capacity to work on this and I thus created the disappointment and loss experience. So loss experience is self-created!

It was very cool to realize later that it was probably gone way before I admitted yet I fought against facts and that made me feel and look even more desperate and powerless. That is an interesting point as well.
That is a sort of weakness because when my confidence breaks or shatters, I can have tendency to drop all around me and focus to myself to try to solve all the problems of the world – within myself, even though some the real problems are not within me.
The starting point is the opposite yet the visible result seems like total selfishness because all I seem to care about is how I feel, what I do or do wrong because I believe that it’s all on me, I made mistake, thus I have to fix it and then everything will be fine. Kind of like a martyr character.

It’s actually a good flag point when my confidence drops, what is the reason and is it valid? and the point is not to look at ‘how to restore confidence’ but rather to see what is the reason to doubt myself in the first place.

I have identified myself with the relationship itself and defined my stability according to it and when it was shaking, I felt my stability shaking too.

I still have dreams with that partner sometimes about letting her go or correct myself and it’s interesting to realize that what I think of the whole thing is that it was close to become a working relationship, although what I have to realize is that my hope made it seem to be close to that and when reality was not ‘there’, I glued it to be with my hopes and desires. Certainly the fake it until you make it here does not really work.

to be continued

Writing is really the best to work through literally anything. Get yourself a treat and walk the free online course on how to do it with Desteni I Process LITE.

Day 394 – Dancing, drugs and re-definition

2003 dec 13 - IM @ Complex

2003 dec 13 – IM @ Complex

I rarely talk about my past when I used to experiment with psychedelic drugs. It’s so beyond me, yet in a way always part of me now.
There are various subcultures, musical scenes, literature, art and community, which I am still in touch with, because regardless I do not do the mind-blowing, there is value, potential and enjoyment within these connection points with others and myself.

It’s such a taboo topic to talk about, yet there are things to understand there, especially for those who still indulge in such activities.
Not many come forward to share their experiences, because of the witch-hunt of ‘drugs’ by most of the governments, so it really does not easy to find authentic sources of information regarding to actual self-support.

I do not really fear being judged because I did it for a while; I am certain that do not need those anymore.

Let’s focus to one particular point today, just to not blow this writing away.

Dancing. But if I speak about that, have to make a detour about drugs too as for me, one followed the another for a while.

Recently I went again to a trance party. Not to my type of trance party actually, but does not really matter. Even though the whole process I walk here with self-investigation and self-honesty, one would think that to define ‘my type’ might be limiting. And indeed it might be, but still, I can have my own personal taste and individual expression.

So, I love to dance, to move for hours with music, with others, to be dance itself! Quite an experience which definitely can be relatable to sex.

Self-expression and exploration, enjoyment and expansion. Substantiation and presence.

See – one can re-define words and to live according to that definition. So it makes sense to define with words what do not limit us.

Dancing was not always about presence and clarity, direction and self-honesty for me, but I have decided to re-align to this.

When I visited parties the first time it was more about to overwhelm and blow my mind with substances and to attain certain levels and experiences within consciousness. In a way, I am quite lucky as those experiences were literally extraordinary and have showed me that opening one tiny door can change the whole world, thus in this sense it was great.
On the other hand, I was so reckless, reactive, gullible and suspectible to experiences that the whole intensity hypersonic mind-blowing trip-ride got me by the balls so to speak.
Regardless of that my main goal was always about self-liberation and further understanding, I often sacrificed my time on the altar of pure hedonism and even within that sometimes I was able to substantiate some insights, but the fact is – although I’ve tried to raze and explode, incinerate and disintegrate my mind system as felt like it was always in the way of true exploration and liberation, I have been always setup to fail with this borderline self-destructive passion.

I really believed that by brute force I can break through all of my limitations, which I believed were mental mostly, but at times I really scratched my physical limitations with the overwhelming mind-frequency intensification, and although it felt extremely stimulating, sometimes I literally felt like touching insanity and physical death level.

One might find this ‘hobbi’ to be quite extremist and somewhat pathological, but noone can argue with the fact that in this world people are indoctrinated, controlled, freightened and quite deeply brainwashed to the tiny confines of a commonly accepted norm, which is obviously not the best for all participants here.

Billions live in extreme poverty, not being able to afford sufficient food, shelter, education and healthcare. One only can find their own existence extremely limited and imprisoned, when tries to break through the norms and limitations society binds us all into a state where war and abuse, rape and murder is justifiable.

When one tries to stand up and really wanting to make a difference, even just within themselves or just wanting to become a more effective and healthy person, can face the situation that there is something inherently wrong with our mind, behavior and thought-patterns. This indeed requires courage to admit but absolutely worth it.

That was me in a nutshell and I really got fed up with my own bullshit and for a while limitations and truly believed that the drugs will help me to liberate myself.

What I did not take into consideration was that regardless of how much I used brute force to break down my mind system, which often felt liberating, when the intensity and sort of purification energy of the drug started to fade, I always went back to the same old patterns, behaviors, reactions and justifications.

Literally regardless of all the mighty experiences I had about consciousness, white light, patterns, symbols and onneness with the whole existence in and out – they were merely glimpses of a state of being I never really understood. And of course, my own mind was always happy to throw in some grandiose hallucination to please and entertain me without admitting that this is just a play of my own imagination, I am still in my mind, just it’s melted a bit and looks/feels cool.

So what I had to realize was that no matter what I do, the mind remains mind and there is a physical limit I can’t go beyond because I kill the body. Thought this as identifying myself as a mind consciousness system. The body always felt weak, ugly, confining, miserable and limiting, so I was one of those who defined the body to be inferior to the mind and consciousness. Yet after a long while, I had to try to explore other ways to expand.

I was regularly visiting these goa trance parties in these states and it was fascinating, the loud and dominant somewhat melodic yet pleasingly stimulating vibes helped to fall into a sort of trance state wherein the thoughts were sort of suppressed and I was able to just BE sometimes.

What I always found strange that all these people dance all night, and I defined their movements to be unnecessary, in a way sort of inferior, as had the thought: why bother moving the body, to be one body, when you can expand yourself to be the whole party, or existence itself?

But something was calling with those dances, beyond the fact that all the cute ladies were dancing in the front with such a passion, meanwhile I acted like a plant somewhere in the background, just standing, looking, listening. Might even felt like an empty shell, a hollow vessel.
I was obsessed with emptiness, all I cared about to empty my mind, to be quiet, to shut it up and down, to finally experience peace.
There was so much I did not understand back then. Years passed while had to give into the realization that it’s not enough to quiet the mind, I have to move myself as well, otherwise all means nothing, just sitting my life away literally. As the playground for my explorations was the crowded loud party scene, dancing came up.

So I was convinced that with some little chemical help, I could transition into dancing more easily.

That was what I used with a decision that no matter what, this time I will dance.

It was quite a blast! I was still a mind, meaning having mind consciousness starting point, but used the body as a reference point to stabilize my beingness within, so I could ‘fly’ and basically daydream more. Often reached the limit of thirst and tiredness, but with stuff, one can reach a little bit beyond.

There were friends of mine, extraordinary dancers whom with we became one through hours of dancing and I always had the feel of an essence, a symbol to crystalize within my experiences what I believed to be helping me and I started to focus on not only the experience of but the techniques and physical details of my dancing.

I did dance with psychedelics for years and after a while I’ve noticed that I’ve became quite natural and experienced with the whole ‘dance floor, movement, behavior expression and interaction’ but in a very specific way only. I felt like machete-d myself a nice circular path in the jungle, and on that path I was enjoying myself to dance around and keep using the machete to cut down any growing plants, branches, so it remained clean and easily walkable.

But as soon as I stepped over the pre-cleaned path, it became stumbling and awkward, resisted and uncomfortable.

Example: I was approached by a lady to just socialize, and on acid, I was not the most talkative person, and all of a sudden, I was judging myself as seeing how I behave and I reacted to it – defined myself to be like an insect, very anti-typical not-human-like and I felt that although I am now able to have fun and find this empty mind clarity – it’s still quite limited. It was like a snap to realize, I can slow down and sort of freeze the mind, but with just one stumble and I am whoooosh, down on the pipe already into the good old self-limiting reactive, judgmental thinking, separated and limiting mind again. Soooo frustrating was to experience the ‘fall of man’ – I tried to define these processes, read all the literature, studies, old and new books, but rarely found genuine descriptions of what I went through. And even when I did find, I just got distracted for a while to follow up and eventually realize the flaw within those distraction paths, such as spirituality, buddhism, etc. Separation, polarity, dishonesty.

The problem was not with the stuff, neither with the dance or the path I walked, but my ‘original’ points, which I believed that I was transcending during these quite hectic years.

I ended up with the same realization as I had years before with the spiritual meditation – when I was sitting, looking at the candle, for many-many hours, relentlessly, as the meditation textbook suggesting: ‘looking at the surface of the lake, smoothing it to become still and mirror’ – or when you roll upwards a huge rock upon the mountain with the disciplined meditation, and you keep falling back but once you will be able to reach the top with the rock and you find peace and clarity’. But once I stopped these techniques, I was at the same point, it was no true, measurable, mathematically accumulative progress, maximum self-conviction.

I was giving my life into those ways, I definitely know what I am talking about when saying, I’ve been there, reached states with sober mind and experienced things ‘beyond’ – but in their nature, they were not different from drug experiences. All what extra they gave beyond the drugs was that I developed an unnatural amount of stubbornness and self-will to keep myself sitting and do nothing but quieting my mind. But even that was quite conditional and thus not truly self-realized.

But the thing is – my mind was always be so loud for a reason! Not because it’s nasty in it’s nature, but it was always telling me who I accept myself to be!

So instead of investigating those thoughts, emotions, I kept pushing them away, down, suppressing and denying to the mastery of self-deception when I was able to ‘whooosh’ shut it up – but required my full attention with all my discipline. Which was sometimes available, sometimes not. And when I was not in this discipline mode, the mind roamed free – had to – as needed to balance it out from all this extreme suppression with what I tried to change it.

All in short – no matter how much one works on changing one’s mind – it’s impossible – because it’s just a systematic reflection of my beingness.

Instead of focusing to my being, who I am, accepting and allowing myself to be – I was raging a war against my mind – – the devil, the boogeyman, the white rabbit, which was actually myself. So I was always fighting myself, often went nuclear to decimate and mutilate my mind, ending up abusing myself on mental, emotional and physical level.

The dance was a beautiful holiday from these inner wars, because the mind was quiet, I was sort of satisfied, so as one song lyrics says ‘you take a vacation from
I kept exploring the various movements and physical expressions and even when I had the starting point as the mind – there was some enjoyment and emerging genuine physical awareness moments in those movements already.
Often at these tranceparties, me and my frends stayed until the last moment, when next day or at the end of the festival week, organizers turned off the sound system – because it had such a home experience, wherein everything is contained with the music, there is always a next beat, a melody, a synth pad flowing and waving, blooming and playing.

But the vacation was always over, and I returned home to my sober self and it felt miserable and I had to go to work, had to be with my arguing girlfriend and I just did not see actual change in my life.

It was a nice escapism era of my life although I always turned into an unstoppable flow of starting as a mild annoyance through bitter frustration into a full blown internal rage to try to break out from this mellow nightmare I existed as behind the smiling curtains…

Lol, such a dramatic wording, but this is brutal and absolute self-honesty, so no sugarcoating here.

When I had some near-death experiences, quite several ones actually, I had to stop and reconsider, as one thing I was absolutely certain with – it’s not yet time to die as I am still not free and thus my life is about to reach freedom. See – even the most innocent starting point can become subject and excuse to a total delusional mind-possession. Freedom is overrated. The only true freedom is living within absolute self-honesty. But in that time this was just not yet to be understood. So many years, unnecessarily. That’s why I compose this here, so others might do it more smarter.

I really tried to compress the amount of writing but this just came through. Dancing. Back to it.

I stopped taking psychedelics even before finding desteni self-supporting process, community and tools; as the last ones really just showed it’s acid-like characteristics to my mind, melting stuff down and remaining with nothing.

So I started to investigate a hundred other ways, methods, practices, history, cultures, books and I kept searching and looking.

One day, when I broke my leg, so could not walk, had no money, had nothing much, found Desteni Portal video, a being coming through(Jim Morrison) and he was talking about Oneness and Equality and to forgive myself. That hit really directly, immediately had the realization that this is it, it’s THE opportunity I have to grab with all of me entirely. I did not really care if this was truly ‘portalling’ JM from the ‘other side’, because I was mindblown by the words, the MESSAGE.
Noone ever talked of such words in this world, I am certain. No scriptures or allegedly holy books, teachings or schools ever mentioned the simple principle and practical common sense this message means, and still, it is one true authentic source of liveable self-honesty with the most direct approach. This I can stand with in front of the whole existence and will keep walking until it’s necessary or finding even more practical common sense.

So. I read all the available material back there about desteni, the message and the awareness tool self-forgiveness and started to write, apply this self-forgiveness as I really needed to(everyone). So many things I could not forgive myself from my past, many I did not even know about, that’s why the writing was necessary. And take responsibility for. Directly.

Throughout the last decade, I am still walking this process, this blog is one aspect of it, the courses I walk, and more relevantly, my life is what I embrace and share, committed to walk with the principle of equality and oneness within self-honesty.

Here I am today, no drugs since years, no alcohol, many things changed, but the dancing remained. More rarely, must admit, but still, at least once in two months, trying to go somewhere to have some fun moves.

See, it’s not about mind, transcendence, consciousness, nothing extraordinary, but me as physical, dancing and expressing myself as life itself.

Somewhen back, I think it was about 4 or 5 years ago, when I was already not doing drugs, I smoked weed again before one of my favorite trance performers, but the experience was very disappointing, I felt like I am not my whole body anymore, but condensed into my head and lost the overall one and equal as body experience(I guess the level I am in regarding to that in comparison to be in and as the mind constantly and using the body as a biorobot).

I had to wait on the dancefloor until the effect of the drug went away to be able to re-obtain my ability to dance.

And I was a regular smoker before, but something changed, I had to realize that I only believed that this drug supports me and turned out, not really, so the self-honesty is to let it go – and I had a bit of struggle with that for a while, sure, it’s quite stimulating, things seem to slow down a bit when stopped, but once I committed myself to stop once and for all, and stand into this bodytime awareness – Life just opened up to me so much more!

All the mind looks for is speed, energy and intensity – even if it means to fall out of sync with physical reality – can be addictive, but if someone aims progress, results and expansion – has to let go the mind completely and only use it as a tool, not as a master. And that takes time and effort to change.

One little example from my recent piano lessons – I keep practising the two hands scales up and down up and down, and after several mistakes, teacher says, I gotta slow down, focus on precision, instead of speed – and I still resist it! Because how grand it feels when I can do it fast! But sometimes I make mistakes, and then I am frustrated, doing it more, more faster, and then making more mistakes! Speed and effectiveness has to be built from the foundation, first slowly, with direction and awareness. Really the same with self than with any tools or instruments. Drugs do not help with that, I know, many take drug to fight against attention deficit or tiredness, but it always will take a toll, meaning opportunity to train and progress consistently. And that consistency is key. And if the drug sabotages my consistency being present, in sync with the physical – in dancing, playing music or simply walking or breathing – then the drug is not supporting me. Common sense. So by letting go the intensity, I can gain consistency. There is a saying ‘Walk slowly, reach further’.

See, all drug user people are blown away how much they can ‘flash’ and ‘fly’ with the experience, but the thing is, the most mind-blowing thing one can do is to constantly remain sober!

Another point for me about doing drugs at a party(or anywhere, anytime) is so limited – I am limited by the type of the drug and what effect it brings – and I can’t just turn it off, it has it’s own pre-programmed ride – and I am bound to that.

Nowadays, I can have the most ecstatic trance with sober self-direction, and in the next minute I can have casual discussion with people in clarity about anything requiring any type of focus or openness. From the dancefloor, I can walk to the car, sit in and drive to the highway and travel fast responsibly and safely.
If any sort of problem, accident or danger presents itself – I am immediately able to assess reality and support with effective and practical common sense.

I do not get exhausted by the drug experience, but by time will be tired, true, and then I go home and sleep – on next day I wake up without feeling drained or exhausted.
Many would argue, because of being sober, I do not reach such peaks and heights, intensity as they do with the drugs.

Here is the thing – I do not have to – I can be just fine without leaving my body and presence, responsibility and self-direction. Many thinks it is limitation, for me it is the liberation.

And if I feel limited about something, when finding myself on a new path – feeling awkward – which still can happen for sure – I am able to be present and see in real time, what’s the issue here, and how can I support myself to overcome this self-limitation or self-dishonesty.

I am often approached at parties when people see me dancing that they ask me if I can give them drugs, because they believe I am on something and they also want that. And I say, water – coffee, tea – and its quite a fun.

One should not need to take any drugs to have extreme amount of fun and insights, relaxation, entertainment and release – because then what happens is that I am not moving, directing, DOING those things directly, but I am using a bridge to help me to do it, and next time it will be a bit more difficult to do it by myself. So, especially with people who have tendency to have addiction, can really pick up the habit of taking drugs and that’s why it’s called “re-creational drug use”.
They keep trying to re-create the same experiences, what they defined as cool.

Over and over and over again. I did not like that, I was born to consistently expand, grow and learn, understand and explore a bit more every day.

So, dancing is part of me now, and still there is so much to learn, explore and enjoy, but it’s not needed for me to be here, to enjoy myself and be clear within myself. Just as I mentioned before, same as sex – should be an equal aspect of our lives without the mind dominating it.

And alcohol and drugs are the best food for the mind, it really grows and inflates, feeds those. That’s why it’s not really suggested to use them for those who really and truly, honestly and absolutely want to transcend their own mind-limitations. Period. There is no place for excuse or justification beyond this. Who still tries to validate a semi- or full regular drug or alcohol use yet still claiming to walk the self-liberation – it is pure self-delusion. Not me to judge at all, not everyone ‘needs’ to transcend, only who decides to and I am here to reflect in that regard.

Because once one lets go the mind – alcohol or drug has no effect whatsoever. And even that can screw with the mind by people ‘wanting just to test if they still being owned by the mind’ – it’s really slippery and one can really sink one slip at a time by defining it still being cool to end up in ten years still getting drunk and sometimes not understanding why so bitter.

Words are the keys, to decompose, re-define and live them according to no polarity of the mind, no energy, and that is a key to progress.

That is why I find this little story strong, because it’s from the point of one word – dancing – and how it started, what I defined it, how it did not support me in the longer term, thus needed to let go, re-define and nowadays, if I live the word dancing – it is not limiting, but part of my self-expression.
About drugs – I do not say you should not do it, but on the longer run, beyond trying once or twice, it is really not giving that much as walking life soberly can give. And I have many friends who still ‘push’ and ‘blow’ their mind with alcohol and drugs – it’s their decision, I do not judge, but certainly showing an example of how to live and expand without those, and if asked, I am sharing what and how I realized to be who I am today.
In this regard I find confidence and calmness within, respect and trust towards myself.

This is my process in relation to dancing and drugs, self-honesty and re-definition in a nutshell.

So that’s it for now, consider writing, every day, stabilize yourself, get back to the physical and let go the convictions and delusions one breath at a time.

Thanks, enjoy, dance and breathe as there is no next moment, fully self-honest and present as you can!

Some opening up self-forgiveness statements, if one is on similar path but would like to understand more about what’s behind the conscious mind…

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define energy and intensity as invigorating, not realizing that I am compensating in my mind, regardless of facts, physical reality, only focusing to perception, because I am feeling as god in my own mind, to do as I please, to focus to where I can experience satisfaction and release, instead of asking the question of what is the creation of the opposite points already existing within me I try to balance out, such as not being whole, inferior, missing out, not being good enough, feeling powerless, insignificant or simply confused.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the mind is a tool, a reflection of myself and the more I give permission to it from my perception, definition, judgement and decision making through blindly trusting patterns of thoughts, feelings and emotions, the more less it seems more smooth, automatic, immediate and natural and this does not mean this is who I truly am or is this an instinct I should trust or not even bothering to want to understand how and why these exist within me as personality, behavior and set of characters triggered within specific situations.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that experiences, and thus consciousness as it is only an experience, are more relevant or superior than physical facts and ending up being convinced that it is the source of myself, the nature of my being, the origin and beingness of myself, while not considering what’s always here, consistently sourcing and making it possible to be obsessed with, the physical, my flesh, the actual tangible reality here and within that obsession not even wanting to understand how and why it is my true self, equal and one with all life here, mesmerized by the spirit, the experience and only realizing it when it does not last and facing reality again and then only looking for the next trip vacation out from myself, my responsibility, my creation.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can escape from the consequences of my creation, participation and existence in life with experiences, energetic stimulation and mind-blowing chemical rituals, meanwhile not admitting the fact that the most effective way to results and solution is always practical common sense.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself to take drug and want to escape from reality and to just have fun almost senselessly, because it’s too tough, inhumane or negative altogether and hoping to seek our reach out to states wherein all makes sense, I can be liberated or exemplified from who I manifested myself to be and become as an individual and unique aspect of life in this lifetime.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pollute my expressions of words with associations, definitions, reactions, judgments, comparisons, fears, desires, emotions and all kinds of energetic experiences automatically associated and influenced in my under-conscious mind and not realizing the self-honest call to purify my words one by one to simply re-define each to live them with self-honesty, integrity and practical common sense in support of myself and all others around me equally.
  • I forgive myself that I have defined myself only being able to have fun truly at parties with alcohol and drugs, not realizing that I am re-and re-creating the same similar mind-set, experiences over and over again, almost like hypnotizing myself into a state of apparent virtual existence, wherein everything is cool, nice and great, not realizing that as the core and starting point contains negative, thus the whole card-tower is always one reaction/association/remembrance away from falling apart, which I can’t control, thus not really building true and stable confidence or self-trust here, but in a way, playing casino, gambling with my own – and my surrounded’s life within responsibility – as even if I do not admit/take responsibility – it’s always here for me, as who I am.

Just to see – how one can utilize this kind of approach to discover what I have accepted, by looking inwards, to follow the rabbit, writing down and seeing the patterns of matrix, which is everywhere, because it’s my consciousness and as I defined as who I am, do not not even consider the need or practicality of deconstructing and releasing it word by word.

Thanks again, enjoy and bye


Day 386 – Self-honesty vs honesty – a Desteni meet

DSC_0214Just a point about the recent Desteni North-european Meetup 2018

I met with fellow desteni group members recently. We were from multiple countries, such as Norway, Sweden, Finland, Sweden, Iceland, Denmark, and myself from Hungary. It was fascinating to observe that they kind of understand some of each other’s languages, expressions, which was pretty cool.

But the more cool point was that we all had a common vocabulary in regarding to the mind, self-honesty, self-forgiveness and practical change, because we are walking the same courses, applying the same tools since years and thus our conversations often were very specific to the mind’s perception, behavior, limitations and expressions.

Of course, we had so much fun as well, just talking about casual things, laughing at cats or playing around with musical instruments, but it was quite liberating that anyone wanted anytime to take a deep dive into a point within their life or about the world, it was such a mature, limit-bending conversation all of a sudden.

For instance, Anna did tarot card reading for me and I forgot to pick a topic before starting, so it was just ‘general pattern reading’.

Yet three minutes later we found quite matching polarities within my life which I am facing currently and have opened up points to look at in regarding to my process of self-honesty.

Self-honesty is extremely underrated and misunderstood in this world, it is the tipping point of individual and world-change.

“To be honest…” is a common expression, people add it to their sentence when they try to be frank and direct, kind of tool for persuasion, which sounds strange, but indeed we live in a society where secrecy, deception and exploitation rewards with power over our environment, including others within a hypnotic fear of not having enough, not being good enough and not being loved enough, yet honesty is definitely not equals with self-honesty.

When an oil corporation tells that they are back in deep water oil extraction due to high demand – it means that they might have total environmental catastrophy in the area after a couple of years due to oil spill and it is honest.

If I am angry and I tell someone that I am going to hit them, it is also honest. Obvious. Blunt.

If we could stop time in these situations and to look behind the curtains, we would find something in front of another curtains hiding even more things in front of another curtains.

The oil company’s decision to risk the environment is due to the extreme profit prospect, which is justified by a set of ‘responsible’ individuals making the decision. Behind that, people make assessment, wanting to trust employees when they say ‘will be no mistake or catastrophic accident’, but within themselves they know, it cannot be guaranteed, yet the amount of revenue will be justified, in the name of the corporations employees families, who all need to be provided to, etc. It’s a circle of responsibility and justification projection, it is obviously not taking all possibly involved participants in the scenario. Yet as it’s legal, there is no value on nature, it’s doable.

And it is not even only about one corporation’s leadership group – as in the system it is a competition, if they would stand up within integrity and protection for life and to say no, start researching another methods for energy source – all the other corporations would consider this as weakness and they would emerge and try to do the same. So, it is a complex system, yet not impossible to decompose and understand. All goes back to individuals personal mindset and ability to consider all factors within their own reality for what they are responsible for.

The funny thing about honesty is that if we stop wanting to look behind those curtains, at any time we can stop and just be satisfied with what we can currently see and understand. But there is often deeper constellation to the result of such creation, for instance in the angry person example: anger means there is a threat, a fear, so the individual probably assessed the situation and realized, need to destroy the threat with brute force. That’s probably quite honest.
What is that threat is the point of self-honesty though – is it about real life-danger or something what the other person triggered and thus became angry.

I remember, in my country it’s a common cursing is to say ‘you son of a whore’ – and whenever I heard this, I was automatically angry at the person as felt like I was threatened, like I am not defending my mother as she is not a sex worker(lol) – here is the self-honesty the point to realize – I was threatened by an IDEA, not actual real threat, and I was reacting in my own mind to that idea what I have defined and been triggered and I was powerless against my own mind – thus if I was being told this cursing, I just got faced with the point that I can’t stop being angry. Quite scary as I realize I am powerless against this anger, so I exert it to try to stop the trigger point, even if it means aggression and destruction.

Anger can’t be contained, must be released, thus it seems like a honest reaction to stop the APPARENT source of that threat, which was the person – so it seems logical to act out aggression towards the person – hitting their nose would stop saying bad things about my precious mom, so then I would not feel powerless against this triggering. Sounds logical, even honest, but not self-honest, as that would mean to dig deeper – why I believe in judgments, feelings in my mind being triggered automatically? How I ended up being such predictable, programmable and controllable by my own mind? What is this powerlessness? Questions, questions, questions.

Even when I write this down, sounds ridiculous, like elementary school level when someone curses at me and I become angry, yet so many so called adults are still on this level. Everyone has their own ‘weak’-point, and they are being limited by.

Self-honesty again – is to not just look at the trigger point and give into automatic reactions, but to see what’s behind it, why and how I am being triggered to do what exactly.
Eventually the person if applying, walking, writing through these patterns will see, it’s all within their own mind, thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, self-definitions, blames, projections, fears, phobias, desires, polarities of good and bad – it’s all self-interest of stop EXPERIENCING bad stuff according to our own personal dictionary and compass to our own self-defined happiness.

Which is often about avoiding conflicts, avoiding situations wherein we feel powerless towards our accepted limitations.

Self-stimulation and become addicted to the positive side of our mind literally empowers our own disempowerment towards all the still accepted negative side of our inner personal mindtown. It’s becoming a juggle, consistent friction and so easily a person is being lost within internal struggles, pointing out with blame and projection, twisted vision of reality tainted with weaknesses supplemented with perceptional strengths.

That is why it is so refreshing to spend time with persons who have dedicated their life to walk through these delusions, traps, limitations and self-dishonesty points.
I have quite some amount of friends and there are many who with I can discuss quite frankly to put: mind-fuckups and bat-shit crazy delusions and struggles, addictions, limitations and also revelations, realizations, breakthroughs, practical applications, however with the desteni group’s common vocabulary, its so much easier and obvious to talk about those points and being able to support each other quite directly.

Certainly can relate to a kind of culty-lingo from an external point of view, if someone listens to our talks, but it’s the same with any profession or specialty, from computer science to sports – the vocabulary and definition of words are what really help to live what we talk and that is real empowerment.

To understand the pitfalls and shortcomings of our own minds, such as jealousy, projection, blame, fears, phobias, obsession, possession, addiction, guilt, shame, righteousness and so on – and to be able to see the trigger points, the past memories, the whole pattern within stable presence, directive practical approach is something what really supports solution-oriented approach.
Thus it just seems so practical to learn the basic component of the mind, understand how consciousness works, what is my own personal weakness and strength in relation to what points in my life, relationships and actual purpose to live.

Getting too long, so wrapping it up just this casual story-wise that I am grateful for the Desteni community, the people I know through this group and I am proud of them, yet I commit myself to push myself further to every day walk the point of self-honesty and encourage and support others also to birth and live self-honesty.

Check out our group at social media:

Check out our group discussions:

Check out our regular blogs where we share about what we walk through, realize and change points we see as needs to be changed within self-honesty:

Best of the best self-supporting audio books at EQAFE:

Day 377 – Fall out from movement

P1020217Sometimes I find myself being stopped doing the things usually am enthusiastic/motivated about.
Almost would be identified as getting bored – or blocked.
When this mind state is not active, I am always eager to do those activities, such as creating or learning something(walking the mind consciousness system correction, learning or playing music, researching technology, video-making, etc).

Instead of those, I just want to entertain, which is not even really true.

What contradicts with this is that I usually have no much ‘free time’ to do the things I like to do and with this state, it is pretty obvious that I am kind of wasting my time on things what are not really relevant.

It even occurs to me that I am being harsh on myself and so rarely taking it easy that it feels like being suppressed, and once it’s too often – then it needs to be done for a while to get fullfilled. Meaning to do nothing? Something like that. But it’s deeper than that. There are trigger points, reactions what invoke this state.

Well, in general, my attitude to doing nothing is that it’s defined as bad, thus I should not do it.

I got a cold, my head kind of feels heavy and sneezing and got wet nose all day, so what felt comfortable today was mostly watching movies or videos and having multiple daytime sleeps.
And now feeling kind of bad that night is coming, I am tired doing nothing and wasted a day not doing the things I usually do.

This happened before, not once, so definitely a pattern, thus this self-introspection is what I do about it.

I am not worried about that my hobbies are not true or real, as before, because in the past happened – I did not want to touch the music instruments and I thought – this must mean all my passion for learning and doing music was fake, self-dishonest.
I also note to self – hobbies, activities, enthusiasms, passion, commitments, fun, expansion – various definitions to things I justify worth spending time and effort with in daily basis.

I do not say that now all is exposed and these activities are not real or me, it’s just still strange that I am not consistent and it raises the question, is it okay or not, am I dishonest or not – and if the question comes, it means I am not certain that if I am not dishonest.

Yesterday crystalized a realization that I lack discipline, I need to work on that, redefine it, unlearn some patterns in relation to it.

And today I feel having total lack of discipline.

Indeed, I also feel sick and want to recover as fast as I can, and in these situations I usually rest more, do not drink coffee or tea(only herbs), so I am not that focused on what I do as with those I can.

I have listed the things I want to ‘progress with’, just for myself.

Obviously most of them is difficult or its a long term process and not really effective or even possible to do when being ill – so then why feeling bad when stopping for a day?

Because it’s not self-directed, no self-agreement, clarity – it rather happens and feeling no control, that’s why the doubt in those things, in myself and not being able to tell if this is okay or not.

Next morning

Writing down this really assisted as all seems ‘back on track’ – after morning shower it was natural to grab the guitar and continue with my usual practice schedules.

Instead of inflating a space in my mind, allowing thoughts of doubt and judgement, it’s clear that this can happen, next time will investigate further or even being able to prevent myself going into the same pattern.

Today spent some time under bright, warm sun and my illness was reduced – so tonight was great to have a coffee and continue with the music learning, playing and this writing.

I keep telling to individuals, who face challenges that writing with the starting point of being absolute honest with oneself(or thriving on developing that ability) can really support with stabilization and accumulation of practical understanding of problems and thus solutions too.

For instance by looking back to yesterday’s writing(beginning of this post) – it’s clear to me that some of those activities I used to self-define myself, some quite automatically, thus to doubt myself doing those seem quite placed, yet that self-questioning should not manifest within emotional, worry- and doubt-based distracting and quite unpleasant experiences.
Rather to provide opportunity to ask and answer to myself, literally explore intimacy by becoming honest with myself without any extra layer, personality or pretending.

There was this TV series, Lucifer – mentioned here before – one of his ‘abilities’ was to be able to ask anyone ‘What do you desire truly’ – and people just dropped their act and answered him – imagine that ability with self, all the time.

At first consideration this is always the case – ‘I always know what I really, truly want’ – in this moment to eat, then in the next moment to find a lady, in the next moment, get money, then get a job, then get a car, then get this and that, watch this movie, that TV series – these all seem absolutely self-honest at first sight, but once one dares to scratch the surface, many things in our life can become quite bipolar – in a way – absolutely, but on the other hand – not really.

Temptation is a funny thing. Just recently, I saw an advertisement about an used synth, it’s really great deal, I know a friend, and also a famous musician using that instrument on stage and all of a sudden I have this compulsion that I NEED THAT INSTRUMENT! I checked reviews, plays, samples, documentation, forums and it’s obviously great deal, I was really feeling it – then I considered my current situation and realized, it is not really necessary – would be fun and cool, maybe later even could become a really great value to me in terms of using and benefiting with it, but at the moment, it just would make me feel great for a while.

But until the decision to look at it with common sense – I was so convinced.

I actually enjoy this ability – to review – it’s like when I spend a day with a cool lady and then all of a sudden I feel defined – I am in love – wow – and then I let this experience go, enjoy as it lasts and dissipates – and next day I can explore other things with this person – not saying feeling or defining experiences of attraction is bad – just it’s great to realize – it’s just an experience and to see what’s beyond.

Same with all kinds of desire – for an item or a person – but if I am honest with myself – I can see how I created this experience – and that’s responsibility – based on the context, situation and reality to see if it’s supportive/beneficial/practical.

I am aware of that many people just LOVE the idea of ‘falling in love’ suddenly, unexpectedly and it feels magical, especially when it’s mutual – it’s like people desire to have that kind of desire and almost as they hope for it and when it comes, it’s just no questions asked, jumping into it type of situation.

In this sense – to see of my ‘activities’ with what I want to have the experience of progressing, expanding with – am I doing the best potential or am I simply pleasing myself by following my desires without reality context.

And as I look through my list – it’s not really about any of those would be ‘not honest choice, thus should be dropped’ – but simply prioritizing is just as important as picking topics to do.

What I see as doubt in regarding to prioritizing is that some things I want to do are more difficult and sometimes unconsciously ‘getting’ less priority, than they should.

As for instance I started to write an article about a topic I investigated and found to be relevant to share my realizations about, yet around 70%, I postponed it and since almost 2 months did not continue – yet it’s in my mind whenever considering to do something with ‘free time’ – and is it a burden or an annoyance? Is it my decision, commitment or discipline – and in regarding to these and the article – who am I living these words truly honestly to myself?

Relevant to note, it’s great to question and deduct myself from time to time, but need to have a structured, practical and reliable way to support practical understanding and growth on studying and expanding with self-honesty and developing clarity and consistency.

That’s how I find the Desteni I Process course and Writing Self-honesty blog within the Journey to Life process as the greatest pillar within assisting and supporting my expansion of practical awareness.

To get to know the basic components of the human mind, how those are operating, recognizing them within my daily word usage, within thoughts, spoken words or in living action – it’s exceptional to understand more, to see how and why I am created the way I behave today and if something I become aware of that could be better – provides effective ways to support practical change.

I am just going to work on my homework/assignment within that specific course’s current lesson’s assignment I am busy with these days.

There are points in my current life what require a bit more attention to re-align and change, and thus it’s just a specific enjoyment to realize – I trust myself within this that I am changing myself from doubt and judgments to clarity and responsibility.

This post opened up a lot of points. Let’s close it with some realizations.

  • When and as I am ill and sick – look back how was my latest experiences, reactions, what might triggered the imbalance within me, my body and wholeness, health to shake and how I feel, experience, define or judge myself in regarding to anything I am not proud of, clear about or feeling not being absolutely honest about.
  • When and as I note that I am ill, sick, physically or cognitively, mentally or emotionally less firm, I recognize the necessity to find ways to rest, not to push myself but to recover and find other ways to express self-movement than the usual ways what require more focus, strength and endurance, such as work on being present, bring myself to the center of my beingness presence, breathe in and out with self-expression and let go any judgement, emotional reaction about my state and if makes sense, making notes to future breakdown of patterns, decomposition of mind-constructs to correct and forgive.
  • When and as I am feeling weaker physically, I realize, I need to rest more and not focus on wanting to push myself then, but committing myself to be able to do as such once I recover, and make sure working on removing the resistances to that, working on establishing consistency within self-direction and self-trust by applying the tools of self-forgiveness, self-correction and self-commitment.
  • When and as I feel compelled to buy or do something, I realize its a conviction, an emotional pulse, which justifies to not consider my location, situation, reality within awareness, and I should breathe and see what’s really practical and what not.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized to have the tendency to want to have this writing to be full and complete and within it the compulsion to ride the moment because its here, and this is because I do not trust myself that I will keep writing this within consistency.
    This is something related to also the psychedelic drug habits I had, as this moment is special, I need to do until I am in this state, as this state is not self-created, directed, but occurred to me due to circumstances caused by myself or something else, but indirectly, and within that not realizing that I am animated by energy, not self – thus will not be consistent and the common sense to decompose the pattern and source of that energetic reaction in my mind and take decision myself.
  • When and as I worry that I do have to ride this moment until it lasts, I realize – this is something I can do anytime, and if I really wish to, yet resisting it, then I have to work on the resistance first to be able to decompose and walk through, and within that to realize that not energetic reactions, such as growing frustration of self-created anger due to judging myself still existing within self-limitation is the way, but by understanding my own prison in my mind and brick by brick, bar by bar removing my own walls and cages with specificity of awareness of how and why I have created these.
  • When and as I question my priorities in my life, activities I daily, monthly or weekly participate within, I realize, first to stop reacting with emotions, stop the fear and doubt, by seeing it’s source and forgive myself for accepting such virtue and then to be able to see what is common sense within my own life and how to establish direct and honest self-communication with myself on what is doable, what is walk-able in mid-and long term and who I am as life to commit this living breath to live as.
  • When and as I remind myself on things, activities, commitments, projects I have started yet did not continue or finish, I stop judging myself, stop defining myself but bringing myself here with empty and directive mind as breathing awareness presence direction to decide what to do about it and then live that decision and if any resistance coming up to live that decision, then deal with it, write about it, walk the timeline and self-forgiveness process necessary.
  • When and as I find myself to wait for my direction and will to return, I realize, it is not something I can wait for, or if something makes me direct, then it is not direct self-honest movement, thus I am compromised by the separation I exist from that ability to initiate and move with and as that decision, and thus it is to decompose that pattern which I give permission to automatically control me.
  • When and as I am waiting for feeling better, energized or disciplined, I realize that if something comes by waiting, it is not directly me, thus I need to focus on catching myself accumulating energetic reactions, thoughts, feelings and emotions to see how I am indirectly manipulate myself to be moved, and thus being subjected to forces outside of my self-will and direction within me consistently.

Desteni I Process to master our minds

EQAFE for education about life and self-support

Day 374 – Dream interpretation – raising my voice

P1010833I had a dream in the morning.
This was like a campus versus farm versus castle. Relatable to Desteni farm and my university and even high school. Obviously as a place where I learn and grow.

There was dinner time and I was helping with serving. There were MANY plates to fill and I was wondering about that this eventually should be automatized as it’s very honorable thing to do but takes so much time. I became aware of that I have my high school friends around the vicinity, so I decided to visit them after finishing with serving the food.
I remember walking and hurrying for more and more plates and putting fresh and warm food onto many plates and then it just fades away. It took so long that I think I fell asleep or something like that. It was like in a movie with a fade to black scenery change.

I wake up, no one is around(looks like I am in a castle’s kitchen), there is no more food left; I am not hungry in particular, but still, the thought occurs to me by habit that could have been better if have eaten but then fully clarifying to myself, it’s completely alright.
Also just became aware of that Bernard (Mr Poolman) is in the main building. I remind myself that I have to see my friends as it’s cool opportunity that they are here, and I go to see Bernard and the others. By the others here I mean other of my friends from the Desteni group or farm.
On my way to the main place, I wonder that why some people are(were – he has passed away) so afraid from Bernard, and by looking into me I see some shit(self-dishonesty still accepted), but no resistance or worry I see about meeting him, rather a cheer up, excitement and curiosity.

I find the group near a sort of podium, looks like some time ago a statue must have been standing there, but now there are people sitting comfortably and discussing with Bernard. I see his bald head from distance and I look around to see if there is some edible dinner and no, it’s fine – and I approach them with firm steps. I find myself lucky(in the dream, in reality more like honored) to know these people.
And then I wake up.

Sort of like this was the dream. It’s clear to me what it means, supports me with, just reflecting back to the whole idea of ‘fear of Bernard’. I know some people who were so scared and overwhelmed, when they met or talked with him.

And of course, they were not really afraid of him, because he did not harm anyone, however he was able to see self-dishonesty within one and support them to realize for themselves – and for some this meant gentle, even humorous talk, such as with me, but with some he shouted and used sharp words to get through the shell of their conviction, delusion or justification. He did not really care of his image, always felt like he is on edge just the right amount to be able to make others understand what he saw.

This is certainly debatable as why to be ever harsh or blunt, loud or uncomfortable for anyone?

I remember, when once he told me in the farm’s kitchen that he wants to hear me shout, my voice to be loud and heard, as I am not expressing myself, just being the quiet nice guy all the time while having these realizations yet not acting out in relation to the world.

It is still a point to be lived and this post is dedicated to substantiate the realizations I see already and to see what is to be still to understand and prepare in support for living potentials without resistance or fear.

Let’s it to be an opener for now with a list of related points and then free form of ranting and raving(it’s a technique to serialize the mind to see it in front of me):

  • I almost always used to be a nice guy, someone to be liked or respected, but that was never true me.
  • There is suppressed anger and desires what can be exerted if really poked around, ‘better keep the animal tamed’.
  • If there is any doubt and I act upon some serious direct power expression, such as shouting with purpose, I should be absolutely right about it, otherwise I would (further) undermine my self-trust.
  • What if I am being resisted to, challenged or dominated down, then I also would feel split between, like acting, instead of being certain and powerful.
  • If I wait enough, there is usually someone who takes the charge, even if I will not totally agree with their method and way of dealing with a situation I am part of it – I can always justify that I decided to wait, if it would be really important, I could have acted upon.

Based on these points I see within – they are not really present, or not always, but within brutal self-honesty I can see signs of these could appear in my mind and thus could be triggered – therefore I could be influenced by these patterns – so these can be referred as self-allowed and accepted vulnerability of self-dishonesty.

That’s actually supportive to admit, to face and prevent myself acting upon self-dishonesty within description of specificity.


  • Need to be appreciated, liked, trusted, respected – lack of self-appreciation, self-trust, self-love.
  • Need to be absolutely sure – doubt within starting point, details of behavior.
  • Fear of being resisted, challenged, dominated – inferiority, fear of loss, fear of fear.
  • Justifying accepting resistances and waiting for others to do what I clearly see that I could do myself.

I see self-dishonesty everywhere – within myself, but within others as well – for a while it was really challenging not to focus to other’s bullshit, but the fact is if I am really falling into someone’s self-dishonesty to focus into, probably there is something at my door already, what I should focus to first to deal with.
I used to be spiritual, buddhist and so lost in my deluded ass benevolent enlightenment ideas that it was tough to wake up from that, but there was no other way, I was clearly seeing that this is not living.
And once I stopped participating in spiritual agenda, thinking, feeling and patterning, I kept judging all of those still doing so, because I already saw that they are full of crap, just like I was, but I was merely just a little bit out from my shit, so I could take a breath here and there.
When I started to really work with self-forgiveness, self-commitment, self-corrective statements to stop the patterns, the more I let go those patterns, the less I was focusing to others, and the less I was focusing to others, the more I was able to stop my own self-dishonesty.

Same was with alcohol or drugs for instance. It’s so cool to not rely to those, the experiences, the rituals and justifications.
Nowadays I can go to a bar, a party, where many people are literally wasted, high or low, I do not judge them, certainly have my comprehension of what they do and what consequence they seem to create with it, but SELF FIRST is key.

I spent about a decade to mimic to put myself last, but in fact never, and once tried to do so, it was obvious that it is just nonsense. I was about to save the world, yet I could not even save myself from becoming frustrated if I went to a mall with full of people or could not keep my temper when I was annoyed by my girlfriends honesty. Yet, saving the world, lot of crap.

So. Raising my voice is not about me being right or me not being sure if I am right or not. It’s about being able to see what’s here, to be open and honest with myself to see if I am acting upon fear or emotion or I am capable of considering all participants and factors equally within principle.

Speaking facts, exposing dishonesty and abuse starts with self and it naturally flows into embracing our reality, including others as well. If there is anything, anything moves me, it’s not me, it’s a system, thus my responsibility to comprehend, decompose and stop, forgive and let go and take direction within awareness of consequence.

I see that it’s fine to go out with others and focusing on only ‘my purity’ in terms of remaining sober, not to fall into big emotional waves, becoming obsessed with thought patterns, and thinking it is enough, ‘I’ve done my part’ – while the whole world gone mad. Bringing change by living as an example is one thing, but when I am presented with opportunity to communicate, connect and share, stand up for life or accumulate doing something towards what’s best for all, there is no choice, or if there is any, I am being self-dishonest.

But until I do not deal with my obviously visible points, I will not raise my voice – or otherwise I will create the consequence of being wrong. And if I fear being wrong, then I will not even try, so that’s another pattern I justify myself with.
Humans are simple, I am simple if I want to be, and if I see something complicated, not clear, that’s because I do not dare or want to see how things are.
So this is a reminder, if I do not raise my voice when it seems to be, if I always be the nice guy and wait – hope – for others to do the things I consider as probably the right thing, I will never find and realize my true potentials, and for that I will always accumulate frustration towards within myself. – > see, this is also a self-definition, another trap.

So afraid of manifesting consequence based on self-dishonest or deluded perceptions, thus not realizing that meanwhile I am already becoming the consequence of not even trying, it’s almost like giving up before even starting.

Seems quite crazy to write like this, but with the compass of self-honesty and structured process, it’s walk-able and can be transformed into responsible clarity.

If I dream about Bernard to tell me what to do – I already know what I should and want to change within myself, thus this symbol of him was actually myself – to approach and face myself and listen, understand and dare to challenge and change.

It’s this easy to find something to work on self. So, this dream reminded me that Bernard’s one sentence was spot on and how if I recall his words, I actually see what I am still in debt to myself to stand up to and start living as an obvious potential within myself.

What is also clear about the dream – or more likely I liked afterwards, that I chosen process first, friends second, going to meet Bernard, even if he would be direct or raw, challenging and very overwhelming sometimes, I always welcomed as he was support, and if anything he – or anyone say to me – would really hurt my feelings, that’s also supportive to realize the extent of self-delusion I accepted myself to exist within and how timely and common sense to start working on understanding, stopping and changing.

Thanks for reading, self-forgiveness will commence in the next post.

Until that, check out EQAFE and the new Destonians community site.