What I have noticed is that I am a bit unclear about how to live the word Structure, which influences my self-direction on a day to day basis as it does not always work when I need to do mid- and long-term disciplines, projects and actions decided to do myself alone.
Belief to decompose and correct: I have extraordinary discipline and focus, when I decide to do something, I am achiever.
Addition: I do pursue/direct with discipline until I am being kept motivated. If it’s external – big compromise as I am exposed to the elements so to speak about how long I keep in one direction. I am aware of that I am effective with short-term goals and achievements, best is when it’s up to some hours, but if it’s taking longer, I am extremely challenged. This became an observation, then a self-definition.
Scenario, example memory: I am walking the Camino de Santiago pilgrimage in Spain with others. Usually 20-30 km per day. My effective style was that I walk quickly and covering big distance in a short period of time, then I rest up. I leave others behind, they rather choose a slower but continuous pace. Once they reach me in my rest, I stand up and say: let’s continue. (They often want to rest, while I am already rested up). I don’t do this for competition. I rather enjoy that when I do something, doing it fully. And then when it becomes a bit uncomfortable, I am getting tired, I take a rest. But then naturally continuing with the intense movement.
Intensity is associated to stimulation and energy. If I am not experiencing intensity, I do not feel stimulated, I don’t feel energy, I don’t feel moving (enough). (( this is the point for self-forgiveness ))
Intensity is quite a relative term, comes from comparison and memory, self-definition and deep within: fear – fear of not moving, fear of not doing enough, not being good enough, fear of missing out, fear of sinking, fear of wasting time, etcIntensity guarantees the SENSE of movement, creates tension, but it’s not real, it is an effect. A false prophet.
Justification to avoid mid- and long-term projects, actions hides from facing the fact that I move in relation to and seeking after intensity, which is not sustainable, not in a consistent manner, or if so, I will have more intense and less intense periods.
Based on the ups and downs of the experience of intensity, my attitude also varies, which then makes it difficult to plan with it.
Thus it can happen, that I think of doing something, for instance doing a project for a week or a month and after some days I am less and less motivated and I am distracted, taking a day off, and sometimes even completely disregarding the plan, because intensity has dropped, and thus I was not stimulated -> motivated -> animated to continue in an effective manner.
This is obviously a problem, however it’s great support to realize, write and face it. I actually had various challenges and resistances within freeing myself from self-limitations and this is a big point but it’s doable to decompose and unblock my potentials.
Finishing this with a pattern, which I’ve noticed to unfold:
- Deciding to do something I am being enthusiastic about
- starting to do it
- I am enjoying it, being stimulated
- I have a challenge, a point which requires diligent work
- I slow down within expression, intensity lowers
- I allow doubt and distractions in
- I break my discipline
- I justify why not continuing
- I simply abandon it
- I feel uncool about it, creates a fraction more of doubt
With Desteni I Process online course, there was a Mind Construct, which assisted me to understand this pattern and how to support myself preventing to go into and how to start structuring myself and also debunking the belief that I need to strive to define and experience intensity in order to be motivated and moved, and that this originates from an original doubt which trying to compensate, and instead simply deciding to do something and start moving with consistency, no matter what.
Basically giving into resistances means that I am ‘too fast’ in my mind – and what happens is that the described pattern is being triggered and I end up at the end of having the emotional reaction, and within that I created a resistance within, which seems bigger than it is in reality.
So then two points to consider:
- how to prevent myself going into this pattern
- how to walk through an already created inner resistance in relation to something challenging
Only what’s challenging is resisted – many things I already pushed through, for instance driving was a HUGE one, took almost a year to overcome – and nowadays I can’t wait to sit into the car and drive, when needed – regardless of how difficult the road or traffic is ahead. Now it genuinely became self-expression through enjoyment and discipline. I take driving, safety and things about car very seriously, I am also collected and structured about how and with what approach to do things in relation to it – and the reward is that I have confidence and effectiveness.
One recurring point with what I expand within self-expression in a way what requires all of me to work with, thus it’s great support and tool to expand with is learning and playing music. I recently restarted to continue with it and just some days ago I realized that I stopped some days ago, and excuse was not true: not having time for it anymore, because even 15-25 minutes a day really adds to it and thus I am going to walk this resistance point with the example of music.
As in fact, within DIP course, my current Mind Construct to walk is about another, bit related pattern about music, thus it’s great to share about this process here. Especially by realizing that as I walk through this point about music, opens up a a lot within me in all other areas and pillars of my life. About consistency, decomposing and stopping the mind participation and more and more directing within a structured, yet more free way, as I have always wanted to do so.
Action, practice, focus to:
Note the upcoming, recurring points when I have a thought of should learn/play music and having excuse and justification: what reaction, thoughts, feelings, emotions happen, also focus to the physical aspect: in body, how I feel, where is my breath?
Discipline and create structured plan and simply push myself to do it, even if it would become a bother – while focusing to resistances, note them, what are the already manifested ones and how I actually allow to stop myself by them and why
Start writing action plan – not just tasks, to-do lists, detailed bullet points – but also in a timely manner: on what day, when, for how many days – and when tempting to not do it – write down reason to see. Writing assists to really see.
Balance it out with planning and taking time for support body and presence awareness: taking a break is fine, unless remaining in schedule and plan is at sight to manifest.
In regarding to INTENSITY – when I slow down, also can happen that I get an associative thought driving me into an action to do something I know I enjoy – when need / and want to do something which is challenging, regardless of I really want to, sometimes I can fall into the temptation to do something fun which is easy, such as meet up with friends, watch a series episode, shoot some computer game, have another nap, etc. While in fact the stimulation is not that intense, but it’s easier than to carve path into the unknown.
Today was an interesting day – I was at blockchain conference, went to opening, before lunchtime I left, went home, ate and then took a nap, then returned to the conference. The presentations were all very professional and fascinating, but the main point was to connect with the right people which already did, so decided to have quality time instead of quantity, thus it was actually fun to get back well rested and relaxed and to enjoy the rest of the conference and keep connecting with fresh body and awareness. So, sometimes it much more effective if I slow down a bit and remain present and directive, thus breaking the habit of ‘keep my mind and myself busy, thus seems like doing a lot’ self-conviction, and rather trust myself and live enjoyment as well.
And as I was kind of naturally connected with the slow down in the mind – thus becoming quite inside and at the same time focusing to what and how I do, with whom and where at – and it was enjoyment in a structured way – and I was not craving into intensity – there were some moments still, but in general it was already some change within the overall experience. Thus will investigate further.
Intensity is still a thing, my holy mountain which I can get to from bottom to top(a movie reference here) and in the simple every day moments within consistency to realize that if all moments are equal (why they shouldn’t be) then no need intensity – sure it will come and go, but the point here is not to get attached to or dominated by.
A lot written already, will continue bit later.