Day 316 – A decade of Process

Reflecting back to my process of what I have realized and sharing one of my greatest challenges I faced during the last decade and how supportive and inspiring the desteni community, online and study material is within changing self-dishonest patterns.

I am grateful for the community called desteni(as referring to taking our and life’s destiny into our hands).

It was about ten years ago(around 2007 spring/summer, then started writing this blog in 2008 january), when I started to study and apply the material, the tools, principle within my life. Here is my first post from 2008 and my expression/English language was not as refined as today, but the message was clearly the same already:
https://talamon.wordpress.com/2008/01/18/the-unification-of-men-is-here/

talvlog-1There is a vast amount of online sources of study material available for supporting individual and collective understanding of various aspects of humanity, nature and existence.

Desteni I Process Lite http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Desteni I Process Pro http://desteniiprocess.com

Self-supporting audio-books http://eqafe.com

Self-supporting videos http://schoolofultimateliving.com

 

 

Day 315 – Why is it difficult to be Self-honest?

IMG_3952-EditTalking about why can be difficult to apply Self-honesty when facing an opportunity to change. The halo of justifications and excuses to find everywhere and to give into one is enough to give up the decision to change.

Giving some examples of how projecting self-defined, pre-judged past memories can compromise practical change/expansion.

Why and how can regular writing be an immense support to walk through accepted and allowed self-dishonest patterns.

 

Study Self-Mind-Beingness and find practical solutions to change self-dishonest patterns:

Awesome online course about how to transcend

Self-support books, audio recordings

School of Ultimate Living

Day 314 – Resistances to Discipline

img_3819Recently  I’ve discovered within several areas of my life that one of my most relevant self-limitations is the lack of discipline.

Within my DIP pro course’s assignment and my personal projects I’ve realized the lack of progress due to not being disciplined.

Also there are several self-support ‘daily challenges‘ I always see as very supportive, yet often I spend a day without applying it.

Furthermore, I am busy with self-stopping, self-changing and self-creation and this means to look at certain patterns, behaviors, reactions within me to re-write so to speak. Although I could write more to prepare, pre-script and thus support myself, I see that the problem does not exists within writing or lack of writing. That’s just the consequence.

This whole thing seems like I am a type of guy who does not enjoy life and always finding problems to solve, never satisfied with himself and there is nothing better to do in my life than just basically being obsessed with myself.

On the contrary, I see with what aspects of me I simply could be much honest, direct, effective and responsible, so why not change?

Resistances, indeed, that’s why not to change.

Because I resist it on thinking logical and rational level – which might be the most challenging for many, because who does not like logic, must be a fool. Although logic can be quite limiting as well, especially, when not all factors are investigated throughoutly, and then thus a person can tell – my logic says it’s all cool, nothing world with the world – while someone else’s logic could say – it’s all screwed up.

Then comes the emotional/feeling justification – well, it’s still of logic, just the person’s limited perspective’s logic.

If I feel frustration and anger when I try to solve this problem I am facing, I should just rage against the problem and after a while to give up or justify it that ‘it can’t be done’ or ‘it’s not my way’.

A simple, almost insignificant example: I was editing a little film we’ve shot some years ago and we did not finish the editing. Recently with my friend we’ve agreed to do so and currently it’s on me to finish a short, color corrected, sound-effected version of it.

This point I got frustrated with actually happened already some times, so if I could have been aware of the possibility, and thus not go into frustration. Although I’ve recognized it shortly, but at least one minute I’ve spent with frustration before applying common sense.

The video editor had an update and converted my project file and did not auto-save as it supposed to be. And it froze, lost what I worked on and I was like ‘nooooooooooooooo’ for a little while. This is quite normal while working with computers, no matter, even if the best hardware and software is present, shit just can happen and thus to rant about it is quite silly actually.

Then I restarted the software, saved more frequently and actually made it better.

One of the reasons I mention frustration here in relation to discipline is that it can turn to be an excuse why giving into resistances not to do what I decided and planned to do.

Within many professions there are a lot of parts what can trigger annoyance and frustration, and it does not have to be like that, but somehow I give into that experience and then I am being distracted from disciplined application.

By looking my relationship with discipline, I’ve discovered some self-dishonesties in relation how I am sabotaging to live this word to my utmost potential, which I walk through here with Self-forgiveness to acknowledge the extent of self-dishonest acceptances and allowances.

What I already see is that I used to have some phases in my life when I was able to apply so to speak unbreakable discipline in regarding to some specific applications I’ve decided to do and I was unwavering, had no doubt, could not distract any reaction or doubt and thus any possible reason to get frustrated with or annoyed by, simply bounced off me.
These actions and experiences made me realize that my will indeed can be disciplined to the potential of absolute, but at the same time, instead of making this realization, expression and quality to become my natural expression, I’ve rather laid back satisfied with the knowledge of that if I’d need, I could apply it when needed.

So, let’s explore this a bit more specifically.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I defined to be satisfactory to ‘know’ that I can have discipline when needed, when decided and within that not realizing that the very action of ‘accepting myself to be undisciplined and then always relying on a decision to become disciplined again’ is already a lack of discipline and self-conviction of excuses and justifications of why I do not need to continue exploring, working, integrating and living the word discipline as myself as equal here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within accepting myself to believe that I can and should occasionally decide when to apply this discipline what I believed to be absolute, just like a superpower, or an ability, which I only can turn on for a while until it’s needed and then to turn it off and to become a so to speak ‘ordinary’ human, who accepts reactions, distractions, frustrations and giving ups.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that my action of disciplined movement was not absolute as I was relying on a condition which by I was able to exclude the option of not giving up and giving into distractions and within that not realizing what that condition was, which owned, controlled me without me noticing, acknowledging, questioning it.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the self-conviction for become disciplined was originated from cycles of reactions, distractions, frustrations and anger toward myself of accepting self-limitations, suppressing myself for long and by that accumulation being able to turn into a maintained experience of discipline, which seemed as I am directing it and I am enjoying it’s fruitful result, but in fact I was not in absolute direction and the proof for that was that my discipline always stopped at a certain point in relation to the application I was applying it to.

To give context: discipline often was certain kinds of meditations, getting a specific project or job done and within that not realizing that I was quite obsessive and narrowminded, which means I was actually excluding, disregarding everything else, which might seem as a cool tactic, but within that, and especially after these ‘sessions’ – I always faced with the consequence of totally falling out of my reality for too long, too much, and thus manifesting things, points, with what I actually created the opposite, what I wanted.

For instance, with discipline, I believed that if I just do what’s most important to do, then I will have more time on that by ignoring everything else in my life which should get my attention regularly for a bit, but it was always the opposite.

By disregarding many things which usually do not require too much time to take care of, those grew up into problems and then I had to spend more time with them to solve them and thus ending up with the need to ‘break’ that discipline and eventually losing much more time than I did feel ‘winning’ by only focusing to what was important.

This should be practical common sense 101, but not for me as I always had resistance towards scheduling, regular actions as always felt like as the opposite of freedom, which would be that at any given time I should be able to just do whatever I want, like travel to another country, spend a week in a forest, not specifically about what to be able to do, but about the immediacy, the spontaneity, which I identified with freedom.

I always felt like doing the daily routines makes me total slave, and interestingly I know someone quite close to me who has the opposite perception on that, he NEEDS a regular day job, otherwise he would fall apart.

Well, since my relationship with freedom, much have been changed, certainly my new application of discipline as well, but I never specifically focused to this word with not just letting go, purification, but also the practical re-definition. Well, in fact I did some time ago, but as I am facing greater challenges recently(due to more direct change I apply to my living and also embarking towards new skills and level of dedication), I see the space for support within me to walk this through with self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the ability, possibility and expression to be able to live the word discipline, but not in relation to things outside of me in this world, rather then to see how can I live the word discipline directly here, unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have believed that discipline takes energy to maintain and always resulting with a sacrifice, with what I pay with for it’s sustainment of ‘heightened’ awareness towards something and within that not realizing that it’s based on polarity, self-interest and relying on conditions out of my direct power, thus in reality, it’s not MY discipline, but rather I am being triggered to give my full attention towards something for a specific reason.

I forgive myself that I have not realized to see the way I go into discipline ‘mode’ is actually similar as I go into various specific distractions from presence, and in that matter, I am actually being possessed with an idea of discipline, while all happens is that I am bound to focus towards one particular point, meanwhile disregarding everything else, and thus as applying this, it is not real, self-lived discipline, but as a mind-state, which has beginning and end, and although I might can be convinced, that it’s self-directed, it is not, otherwise I would be able to apply it any time or always.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am justifying why not needing to have discipline all the time in relation to many things, and within it’s essence the very expression to live discipline towards anything, already relies to the ability of living the word discipline myself here directly and within that acknowledging that I am not living discipline and I have not yet established discipline as self-expression, pronounced on it’s ‘natural’ quality, meaning unconditional, unwavering, self-directed, being context aware.

I forgive myself that I have defined discipline as a focus towards one particular point while disregarding everything else and only caring about that goal I am interested within and not realizing that this might work on some short actions, but certainly not in relation to bigger projects, wherein I’d only create more frustration by being unable to maintain this kind of energetic discipline for long enough.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that discipline also can mean to make a commitment and create a trusted relationship with myself in relation to what I am going to accept and allow and what certainly not, and within that how I am going to overcome challenges, temptations, reactions and not give into any excuse and justification WITHOUT needing to have energy, accumulated frustration to fuel such focus.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to give the space and time, trust and opportunity for myself to learn to move without energy, without polarity and judgement, act without frustration and being motivated and care about points outside of me without fear or desire.
I commit myself to develop discipline within myself, in relation to my starting point, my mind and physical body self-expression to not need a reason to be honest with myself and not wait for frustration, self-limitation and anger to appear as an indirect motivation to make me move and focus, as it’s not only counter-productive and self-dishonest, but also undermining self-trust and integrity.

I commit myself to not give into physical body experience resistances, such as dullness, tiredness, which is coming from the mind, as the manifested consequence of judgements towards past acceptances and allowances, which I stand up to, become equal and one by walking self-forgiveness through all the words I become aware of I would react to and I forgive myself to let each go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it’s enough to know that I have discipline, it’s enough to have memories of the past when I had discipline and not realizing that discipline is only real when I am living it without separation of my mind’s knowledge, memory, reasons.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have not yet lived up to my potentials with discipline based on the self-identification with excuses and justifications not yet acknowledged, forgiven, given up as I face my daily applications.

I forgive myself that I have not yet committed myself REALLY to daily application of discipline and within that to see with what and how, first and foremost: why I compromise my discipline and to walk through those points to become disciplined within – even discipline.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the potential I have in terms of letting go self-limitations and honouring life in each breath equally.

When and as I fear I am missing out by applying discipline, because now going into ‘focus mode’, I realize that I do not need to fall into that, to get obsessed with to be able to progress and not fall into temptations to be distracted and giving up, but instead of fighting through these, also I can gently, honestly decompose such patterns for real with living self-forgiveness as actual change.

 

I will continue to share with my realizations and practical applications on the occasions when I was able to apply unwavering discipline, what I’ve seen as a gift/ability back then, which then later on I abused(thus myself) by excuses, judgments and reactions, thus to diminish it into memory, knowledge and self-definition instead of consistent living application.

Day 312 – A sudden tiredness while writing

danc-1I was writing about a point when all of a sudden I felt tired. I was writing for a while and then in the next moment I am super tired, and I had to stop writing(typing).

I went out, got some fresh air, chilling night, walked around a bit and then realized that this tiredness is mental, not physical. Exists only in the mind. As it came, was gone again.

So, whenever I give into the mental tiredness without being really tired, I am actually compromising myself.

But what was the reason of such tiredness EXPERIENCE? There was a judgement for which I felt reaction to.

I was writing about dancing and I started to write a little history of my relationship with dancing, how and why I started to do it, my initial resistances to it, some of my experiences when I broke through that resistance and actually how I came to who I am today, totally enjoying to dance.

About that process – it was related to mind-altering substances and I was uncertain that I should write down all of my history or get right to the point of what I wanted to share.
But for that to effectively share everything being relevant to the ‘story’ – I wanted to throw a brief of history. Just to expand on how much someone can change.

But then judgements started to arise. First of all, my first real dancing experience was related to MDMA, street name: ecstasy. But then I was reacting about, what if people would misunderstand me, and would think that I am promoting the drug. And I often stated this: with actual, professional support, these induced experiences can bridge through difficulties, but eventually the individual as self has to stand as physical substance directly, not with mind-altering substance.

And no matter what are the facts, which is that I expanded with the drug and I thought that who I am today is actually ‘beyond’ drugs and again reminded myself not wanting to promote them.

So then I was uncertain about how to share myself without my own personal back-story.

Well, I also want people to be able to relate, especially those who are still taking drugs at parties for dancing. But I got into the reaction of judging all of these and the more I started to judge, the more this became complicated and I was becoming uncertain, or at least not being completely satisfied with what and how I wrote. I started to react to the point of becoming distracted with the experience of reactions from the topic and direction I decided to write about.

Then, all of a sudden I felt really tired. Interesting.

While I have this obvious, clear and visible direction – I am not tired – and when I start to doubt, judge, react, hesitate – I am tired. As experience.

Let’s see this self-definition: I am tired. I have tried, but now I am tiredness, not direction, not motivation.

The human mind is so powerful device, this should be taught from childhood, on how the typical mind-constructs work, what are the usual self-sabotage patterns into which most of the human individuals can reason themselves to go into with certain, selective and personally specific topic, and once inner judgements have been made, thought-chain-reactions were ran through, emotional or feeling energies have been generated and experienced: the very perception of that individual is being influenced, limited, shaped and formed according to the specific origin and source points of self-separation based on fear already exist within the person’s inner core of being without ever being noticed.

But instead, people learn a bunch of totally unnecessary and superficial ‘sciences’ and ‘arts’ at school, even the history what is being taught dominates with resonances of justification, acceptance and allowance of massive scale of abuse against life without compassing through with real dignity. Doing that by completely disregarding individual statuses, abilities, affinities and talents, thus breaking down the natural learning ability of the child and omitting to teach the most relevant keystones of living, which is being able to be honest with self and how to explore, nurture and develop an intimate relationship with self with direct physical human body expression and through defining, saying and living words in synch.

That’s why I suggest to question every experience in the mind, many-many times a simple ‘tiredness’ can be result of an inner resistance to not see, to not realize, to be able to justify self-limitation and choosing comfort versus hurting with the truth of what extent humans are lacking self-direction, self-trust and self-honesty.

So this is a reminder to be able to catch such inner movements and reactions before becoming one with the experience, which then is basically self-persuaded acceptance for self-limitation: in my case: to not write down, to not develop the writing for being able to share what I decided to. Maybe, possibly, because I still could learn and expand something about this aspect of myself, which I might still resist unconsciously. This then is an other common sense point to continue and see what I can discover. So.

I am going to finish the writing about my story, relationship and changes about dance, because there are a lot to share and I find it quite relevant to be able to write down my realizations about how to embrace my own body and how to express without thoughts, feelings and emotions, but directly as self-expression.

I used to believe that the best thing I could ever do is to become and live ‘undefined’, but it turns out that decomposing and letting go self-limiting definitions is just the first step and actually can be supportive to re-define words to be able to live them within clarity and response-able awareness of inner self and outer world as equal as one. And that is the real art of transformation of matter, the one and only true alchemy, when literally shit turns to gold, which is the metaphor to the unification of man from self-dishonest to self-honest.

https://eqafe.com/

Day 308 – Child’s brick wall mind model

img_6111Talking about the ‘model’ of brick wall mind of a child and how comes that most of the innocent, clever and awesome kids when they grow up ending up having all kinds of mental and emotional scars and problems to have anxiety, doubt, addiction, depression, fears, etc and thus compromising their self-trust, ability and natural expression of enjoyment and exploration of life.

Start learning life-changing self-supportive tools, skills and abilities at the unique and common sense-based free online course of DESTENI I PROCESS LITE.

Learn living to our utmost potentials by re-defining and living words:

http://schoolofultimateliving.com

Day 308 – Rebuilding self

img_1001Rebuilding Self

I remember, when I was talking with Bernard, he told me that once I decompose my mind and personality, I will be able to re-create, rebuild a completely new me, according to who I want to be and become.

That seemed strange in that time, about 6-7 years ago, but already saw some potential in that.

I was at a 2 days body art – body time – self-supporting – awareness workshop weekend training and with some friends and about a dozen of new people and we had all kinds of various plays, situations, within many, we stood, walked and moved really close to each other and it was like a flock of birds. I had no thoughts or emotions, I was part of the flock, in a way I was the flock, but still had my individual presence within it. It was interesting experience. I had no fear of losing myself, neither of desire to be more.

I am reflecting back to my ‘old self’, who I was before started to decompose my mind-patterns I constitute of. That old Tala could have felt awkward, a bit anxious and uncertain, because my mind would have been overwhelmed by comparisons, judgments, definitions, associations, reactions.

Also, there were situations wherein my eyes were blindfolded and I could walk in the room and explore, meet and interact with others without words – just movement. Whenever I realized that I touch an other man’s hand – I did not feel awkward or confused, not, because I would define myself to be attracted to men, not really – but within that situation, which was completely not about sex, it was okay to just communicate with a touch – like blind and silent people probably would do. This brought up a lot of other senses, like smelling, space-awareness, gravity, body balance, and the touch itself.
I also encountered with women and in fact regardless of I could decide if the person is a woman or not, I was able to interact with no expectation or judgement. If the person decided to move along, it was alright, also if I wanted to walk away, there were no strings attached, meaning no confusion or stopping to wonder why this happened.

Who I am today is completely comfortable among strangers – regardless of how they look like or what status they are within – okay, probably if they would be threatening, I’d be in another state, but until that – and even then – I should just be normal me, comfortable and stable, open and present. This is the new self I am building, and while some of my friends do build their body literally with lifting heavy metals and consuming extra protein towards their desirable image and likeness, I am building a self first by decomposing the old one from the mind consciousness level and then figuring out what kind of re-definition of words, expressions I want to become. Even slight movements, such as how to grab a fork or make a step I often find myself slowing down within into and become aware of the very specific and detailed physical movement I take and in that moment I can try out new movements as well.
For instance since at least a decade I concluded that I’ve found a way how I am toweling my back and feet the most effective way and I used to do like that every day – well, I guess I never really cared about this, just get it done and move along to my next activity. This is just a tiny example, but even within this I can just start doing slightly differently while being empty within my mind – nothing to think about, worry about, plan for, remember back, so then I find myself being here, just toweling myself dry. Weird. Not really, but maybe a little.
It’s like when I see humanoid slave robots are gaining consciousness within various movies/TV series – all of a sudden they just stop within their movement and start wondering about what’s I am doing, well, how this feels and how I’d really like it differently.

I used to be suppressive and closing down type, and today I often approach complete strangers at public places, just to communicate, share, by a motivation, or pure curiosity – and more and more realizing that feeling awkward was of fear of judgement, fear of failure, which is again comparison, judgement.
The more judgement systems I decompose, stop participate within, the more I am present, free from these automatic patterns and beyond that there is actual freedom to explore, decide, re-create.

The human mind consciousness system has been setup in a specific way that even those apparently irrelevant personality traits are connected to deeper patterns, more subtle, sub- or unconscious mind manifestations, what first one has to open up, dig out, unveil, expose, decompose to be able to loosen up these patterns.

Forgiving myself for a self-limitation for instance and what I have accepted and allowed to became is literally stating out that I recognize my responsibility, ability and decision within creation, as creator and created as one and equal and going into specific understanding of a pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatize movements I do every day what I believed to be irrelevant, wanting those to do the most efficient way I can and get over with it while not really being aware of the physical movement itself, the touch, the feel, thus giving my mind the opportunity to focus to something else, a thought, a feeling, an emotion, a memory, a reaction, and although it seems like this is an advantage – actually I am not honestly and presently expressing myself in this moment, well, every day doing it, never being present in this movement as limited this to be always about efficiency and getting it done.

Not saying that toweling my feet should be the greatest awareness point in the universe, just recognizing the tendency to get distracted in that moment and within my mind jumping forward, imagining, thinking about something else, about the future, what I am going to do, feel, whatever.

To be present in the self-defined ‘mundane’ moments is absolutely not waste of time, but an equal opportunity with all of my other situations and actions to solidify, direct and live my presence here.

I’d suggest to do the challenge and try to take a shower without thinking about something/anything else. Be present, be the showering, not to go to future, or to past – can you do that?

I still can’t from start to end, for ten minutes – within absolute self-honesty – but working on it every day.

Also – if you would decide to try it – and you cannot – what this tells about you? Actually a lot!

First of all – you are not really in direction, but your mind deals the cards a lot of time to you and you just play with those – something comes into your mind, you react, then go there, and then here, and then another thing pops in, jack in the box jumps another story, it’s like a mini-movie going around, while you do shower, wash the body, then toweling, etc.
Of course you can feel stuff, to some extent ‘data’ feeds into your mind…

Secondly – the very points popping up can be also specific – the very points you might face worry, fear about, or desire to, excitement about – energy. Positive or negative – it’s all in a waving balance actually.

Many people LOVE thinking – to think about stuff, to stimulate, to combine, to evolve memories, data – I do not really like it anymore. It feels superficial, limited, confining. All memory-based anyway. Nothing really-really new actually. Sure, it’s variation, permutation of previous thoughts and reactions, emotions, feelings also can change, evolve due time, but in those thinking moments I am lacking full body presence awareness. That’s right. No being one with breath, no being ONE with physical, mental – it’s rather like a software running, electrifying through my brain, my spine, my limbs. Many can define that also as awesome, stimulating, like a rush, a sense of light, quick movement, feeling alive. It’s energy. Like sugar or alcohol. Basically the same. Again – separation – electricity, positive and negative. Polarizing, not unifying.

Well, this is just an approach to start discovering new ways to exist – body awareness workshops are awesome, safe places and groups to explore what is beyond the thinking mind and how awareness actually can only be experienced and expressed through and as our body presence.

And a lot of people face resistances, difficulties, blockades during these body work situations, also revealing how the mind can limit pure physical self-expression. Then the process to walk through those patterns is common sense. That is where decomposition, re-definition, re-building self also becomes relevant.

If I would have a choice, why would I want to be embarrassed by cultural imprinting while living? Why would I feel awkward, confusing while being in the presence of strangers? What programs I’ve given permission to my mind to take over and while I’d repeat the thought-feeling pattern to go my virtual happy place, while my body just does it’s job, like a robot? What movements, expressions within my living I do not like and why? Can or should I change any or all of those? Can I? Why can’t I? Why should I accept myself not being able to directly assess and change any of my behavior, especially, if something is not supporting me or others?

Re-building self is inevitable in the path of awareness, I mean who is perfect already who does not want to change anything within themselves? And even if so – is that really-really the best possible potential? How can we be so sure if we did not even try anything else to be as who we perceive ourselves to be since decades?

I stop with these questions and encourage everyone to also start writing and asking questions and giving answers too and start expanding, sharing and if seems fitting, also start changing. Enjoy!

Day 306 – Integrity revisiting

img_1063Let’s walk around the word Integrity again.

Dictionary:

the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles.
the state of being whole and undivided.

Often can be read online about certain politicians ‘not having integrity’ – meaning they deceit, lie, cheat, use and abuse – and it’s obviously something unappealing.

People tend to listen and follow leaders who has integrity, who are honest, not sugar-coating truth, even if it’s hard.
If it’s such a good thing, why not everyone ‘has’ integrity?

At Harvard Business Review I found an article about this. The author mentions ‘rationalization’ as one reason why people can ‘skip’ integrity as something to live up to, because within the individual momentary reality it’s logical to choose what’s apparently the easiest/shortest/quickest way to get what they currently want.

So integrity might mean to look beyond self-interest and also considering consequences for oneself and other participants as well. It’s like a temptation to cheat on a test, especially if it’s easily doable.

Or an other example: going abroad, cheating on my partner – when the chance is really low that he/she will never know it – well, it all depends on the agreement partners have and also personal preconditioning.

For instance personally I would not mind if my partner would have an awesome and safely enjoyable night, but I’d certainly pull back my built up trust if we AGREED on not doing such yet would happen. So for me, it’s not about the action, but the trust we have. If my partner would approach me that this is once in a lifetime opportunity for something really-really cool or relevant – I’d say sure, but it’s just me – and probably would depend on what agreement I am within with who – but for me the agreement, the power of words to being lived as agreed and thus the trust is more relevant.

The trust is also something what relates to this integrity point – I really have to trust myself first to be able to see what I can and cannot, what I should and what I should not do and even considering that I do mistakes and then still trust myself, but not the approach I took with that within what I made the mistake.

Words are really cool as I can literally explore my source code of my mind – people mystify and glorify consciousness and come with this spiritual or religious explanation, but everything is right here.
All I can think and feel, remember and react is always here with me. Do I develop an ability to read, to hear, to listen, to feel myself? That’s completely up to me. It’s not even money-related – sure if someone has to work 15 hours in a mine for survival, then it’s really limited on how much someone can ‘work’ on understanding Self, but within the civilized world, such as modern western, eastern countries – it’s all possible. Bit by bit, word by word – anyone can discover all depths of their mind. Yet no one walks this path.

Those who claim they know it all should be cross-referenced with Integrity. Time as consistency and space as manifested consequences will tell. Are they honorable, whole, true to themselves? Did stop all inner conflict and friction, judgement and suppression? Truly be honest with myself, constantly and consistently – that’s integrity.

Am I ‘there‘ yet? I see within me, no. I can see hesitation, judgement, frustration sometimes. Do I accept myself within that? No. Sometimes yes, then when it overwhelms me, I realize I have to stop it for real, for ever and to see what’s beyond the war of my consciousness. The unification of man, to stand in existence, regardless of when or where, or any time and anywhere, or – all the time and everywhere and live the words fully, to my utmost potential: I am Here.

The more I learn about myself, the more I also have the opportunity not just knowing, but becoming aware of how I’ve made up to who I am today, and within that I understand my creation.

Brutal and absolute self-honesty is key. To not lie to myself and to word things as they are.

For instance any visual-based attraction is basically mind-porn, mental masturbation.
Desire to have an attractive partner is to get hooked on this mind-drug self-interest experience of being happy.

Sure something can be referred as ‘nice’ – but that is not real – only a perception, someone can feel good about it, but it’s the same energy in nature as someone reacts to something being defined as ‘ugly’. Not real.
Totally subjective, result of a ‘rationalization’, which is always someone’s interest to trying to shortcut for a result without considering the consequences of their actions.

If I would have a partner, who with I agreed to not ‘cheat’ on her – let’s say sexually – yet I’d do it, I’d be in trouble – if I tell her, that’s why, if I don’t tell her, then that’s why – it would remain in my mind.
From that point – whenever I would experience something cool with her – I could totally imagine being able to ruin that with telling her the truth. Or let’s say – for my own interest, not telling the truth.

Sure I can rationalize, for ‘her good also’ not to tell, or ‘I needed this’, ‘she would never know’, ‘I did let this out from my system’, or whatever justifications I would come up in order to keep up with this, but from that it’s quite questionable how real this partnership is.

Does it worth that much? In relation to myself – and my partner – for a momentary energetic temptation to risk ruining something mid-or longer term creation?

This is just a draft, a simple example, but in real life, there are much more complex situations, events and actions take place in relation to the word Integrity to reflect self back of Who I am and who I am becoming.

Sure anyone can and do mistakes, but the relevant question is what I am going to do about it?

For me Integrity is also about the question – how can I live the way that I can look into my eyes up to eternity without feeling any shame or regret?
If the whole existence would suddenly end and then I would need to meet each and every single individual being in the universe and look into their ‘eye’ – and not to feel shame and regret.

Certainly something to consider at heightened energetic mind-stated temptations. Sure, when there is no stake, take opportunity to live, but it does not mean not to consider manifested consequences.

My mother’s most important parenting point I remember is this:

In all circumstances, remain man.

It’s not gender-related, but being Man. Not only human, but MAN. This might mean nothing, but for me, it’s part of my integrity code. Whenever I get myself into, to always remain the man who I would trust and respect.

Sure I can become an animal, what is scared, bloodthirsty, or a demon, what is greedy and evil, but to always be a man of integrity. That’s my compass, and even if I find myself lost in oblivion within the consciousness systems I find myself within – I forgive myself and I re-align and I commit myself to change. That is the only relevant point I can trust, my self-honesty, everything else is it’s consequence of living this or not living it.

To be awfully specific today, let’s check what I see within myself in relation to integrity, as questionable, what I should decompose, stop and let go within my actions and reactions I’ve went through today.

Chewing my mouth within. I used to do this when I was a kid and I was anxious. It returned since a short while and it’s a symptom of participating within troubling thoughts, just not seeing them honestly, clearly, yet energetically influencing me. Literally means: I am eating myself up by self-judgments with what I do not step to the solution phase, but be overwhelmed with the reactions to those judgments.
Rationalizing: at the moment of chewing, it feels calming, satisfying in a weird way. Then the surface of my mouth within is not even, so then I try to chew near to it to make it more even – and then next to that I have to continue…And even if I stop doing it for a while – it starts to heal and then it becomes more uneven, then it’s so tempting to chew that part again. But that’s how the thinking/reactive mind works, it’s just a possible physical manifestation of that. Not as I would chew to bleed, it’s really about a millimeter, but still it’s self-dishonest obviously, as it’s a symptom of anxiety, what I have to take responsibility for.
I met with somebody a week ago and I think/believe that she would like to meet me, but I do not really want it, and there was no agreement or actual discussion about, but I did not face this point directly within myself, thus it was experienced as some uncertainty, even a slight worry of she might feel bad about me not approaching her, but I do not want to. And to approach her about not wanting to approach her seems illogical and weird actually, so I chose not to do anything about it, yet creating this friction within.
It was just comfortable to take the opportunity to have something casual and enjoyable but with a person who I’d not consider as a possible partner. Although I did not communicated that with her, it ‘seemed’ like a mutual agreement on that point, but did not clarify it as brutally honestly as I could, in order to not risk influencing her to not want to see/sleep with me at all. Weird. I’d rather approach someone else, who I know, but I did not yet do that, due to doubt/uncertainty/procrastination. I’d guess it can be seen as normal in society, but within self-honesty it’s too messy, especially if I react with uncertainty, conflict: self-dishonesty.

Considering financial restrictions and possibilities, defining too tight and uncertain my ‘future’ in regarding to when I would be able to get/buy/afford the things I plan, defined needing. It’s alright to consider this, but to go into worry seems counter-productive, especially instead of worrying, rather to apply that effort to see the problem with common sense and to consider what would be a possible solution and then to try that in real action.
It’s also a stimulative game, as I am capable of sorting any kind of this mess in the matter of seconds if I want to – just take income, list spending, see where I have to make the cut, what then has to ‘go’ and then not doing that, not spending ‘there’ and I am good to go. Bam! I mean, I’ve finished bookkeeping school, learned micro- and macro-economy, studied artificial intelligence, programming mathematics. It’s nothing. But if I go into the maze of my consciousness of what-ifs based on doubt, emotions and worry – I end up totally sabotaging the highly effective clinical abilities and skills I could apply to problems. This is also again: self-dishonesty.

This simple – In relation to Integrity and Self-honesty, I have work to do.
See – people can easily see their mess, but then to do something about it, that’s another story.

Here comes Desteni I Process into the picture – the whole course is about supporting this awareness and change process. Tools for Self-change.

I apply self-forgiveness on what I have accepted and allowed specifically, thus I become aware of the pattern and my responsibility to give myself the opportunity to release myself from this pattern.

Then I commit myself to change in specific circumstances I’ve realized, to decide to really find practical solutions to change, no giving up.

Then I re-define my words, relationships to words, pre-script when I will do what to structure and support my awareness on how to approach change. Writing the screenplay of my story, so then instead of falling back to old patterns, to have a plan how to avoid the already known self-dishonesty.

Yet within the moment – all of these are extremely supporting – eventually I have to do, move, change, in the moment, one and equal with my breath and body.

So, Integrity – people expect politicians to have it – but it’s something what cannot be expected, but directly lived, as an example. If the ‘people’ will start to live integrity, they become self-leaders, and then some of those self-leaders will get to more relevant, responsible positions and then things can change.

But to shake my fists to corrupt politicians as they have no integrity – it’s completely futile and self-dishonest. I have to Live Integrity first. How can I expect something what I do not give – to myself and others as well. Simple as 1×1.