Day 374 – Dream interpretation – raising my voice

P1010833I had a dream in the morning.
This was like a campus versus farm versus castle. Relatable to Desteni farm and my university and even high school. Obviously as a place where I learn and grow.

There was dinner time and I was helping with serving. There were MANY plates to fill and I was wondering about that this eventually should be automatized as it’s very honorable thing to do but takes so much time. I became aware of that I have my high school friends around the vicinity, so I decided to visit them after finishing with serving the food.
I remember walking and hurrying for more and more plates and putting fresh and warm food onto many plates and then it just fades away. It took so long that I think I fell asleep or something like that. It was like in a movie with a fade to black scenery change.

I wake up, no one is around(looks like I am in a castle’s kitchen), there is no more food left; I am not hungry in particular, but still, the thought occurs to me by habit that could have been better if have eaten but then fully clarifying to myself, it’s completely alright.
Also just became aware of that Bernard (Mr Poolman) is in the main building. I remind myself that I have to see my friends as it’s cool opportunity that they are here, and I go to see Bernard and the others. By the others here I mean other of my friends from the Desteni group or farm.
On my way to the main place, I wonder that why some people are(were – he has passed away) so afraid from Bernard, and by looking into me I see some shit(self-dishonesty still accepted), but no resistance or worry I see about meeting him, rather a cheer up, excitement and curiosity.

I find the group near a sort of podium, looks like some time ago a statue must have been standing there, but now there are people sitting comfortably and discussing with Bernard. I see his bald head from distance and I look around to see if there is some edible dinner and no, it’s fine – and I approach them with firm steps. I find myself lucky(in the dream, in reality more like honored) to know these people.
And then I wake up.

Sort of like this was the dream. It’s clear to me what it means, supports me with, just reflecting back to the whole idea of ‘fear of Bernard’. I know some people who were so scared and overwhelmed, when they met or talked with him.

And of course, they were not really afraid of him, because he did not harm anyone, however he was able to see self-dishonesty within one and support them to realize for themselves – and for some this meant gentle, even humorous talk, such as with me, but with some he shouted and used sharp words to get through the shell of their conviction, delusion or justification. He did not really care of his image, always felt like he is on edge just the right amount to be able to make others understand what he saw.

This is certainly debatable as why to be ever harsh or blunt, loud or uncomfortable for anyone?

I remember, when once he told me in the farm’s kitchen that he wants to hear me shout, my voice to be loud and heard, as I am not expressing myself, just being the quiet nice guy all the time while having these realizations yet not acting out in relation to the world.

It is still a point to be lived and this post is dedicated to substantiate the realizations I see already and to see what is to be still to understand and prepare in support for living potentials without resistance or fear.

Let’s it to be an opener for now with a list of related points and then free form of ranting and raving(it’s a technique to serialize the mind to see it in front of me):

  • I almost always used to be a nice guy, someone to be liked or respected, but that was never true me.
  • There is suppressed anger and desires what can be exerted if really poked around, ‘better keep the animal tamed’.
  • If there is any doubt and I act upon some serious direct power expression, such as shouting with purpose, I should be absolutely right about it, otherwise I would (further) undermine my self-trust.
  • What if I am being resisted to, challenged or dominated down, then I also would feel split between, like acting, instead of being certain and powerful.
  • If I wait enough, there is usually someone who takes the charge, even if I will not totally agree with their method and way of dealing with a situation I am part of it – I can always justify that I decided to wait, if it would be really important, I could have acted upon.

Based on these points I see within – they are not really present, or not always, but within brutal self-honesty I can see signs of these could appear in my mind and thus could be triggered – therefore I could be influenced by these patterns – so these can be referred as self-allowed and accepted vulnerability of self-dishonesty.

That’s actually supportive to admit, to face and prevent myself acting upon self-dishonesty within description of specificity.

Reflection:

  • Need to be appreciated, liked, trusted, respected – lack of self-appreciation, self-trust, self-love.
  • Need to be absolutely sure – doubt within starting point, details of behavior.
  • Fear of being resisted, challenged, dominated – inferiority, fear of loss, fear of fear.
  • Justifying accepting resistances and waiting for others to do what I clearly see that I could do myself.

I see self-dishonesty everywhere – within myself, but within others as well – for a while it was really challenging not to focus to other’s bullshit, but the fact is if I am really falling into someone’s self-dishonesty to focus into, probably there is something at my door already, what I should focus to first to deal with.
I used to be spiritual, buddhist and so lost in my deluded ass benevolent enlightenment ideas that it was tough to wake up from that, but there was no other way, I was clearly seeing that this is not living.
And once I stopped participating in spiritual agenda, thinking, feeling and patterning, I kept judging all of those still doing so, because I already saw that they are full of crap, just like I was, but I was merely just a little bit out from my shit, so I could take a breath here and there.
When I started to really work with self-forgiveness, self-commitment, self-corrective statements to stop the patterns, the more I let go those patterns, the less I was focusing to others, and the less I was focusing to others, the more I was able to stop my own self-dishonesty.

Same was with alcohol or drugs for instance. It’s so cool to not rely to those, the experiences, the rituals and justifications.
Nowadays I can go to a bar, a party, where many people are literally wasted, high or low, I do not judge them, certainly have my comprehension of what they do and what consequence they seem to create with it, but SELF FIRST is key.

I spent about a decade to mimic to put myself last, but in fact never, and once tried to do so, it was obvious that it is just nonsense. I was about to save the world, yet I could not even save myself from becoming frustrated if I went to a mall with full of people or could not keep my temper when I was annoyed by my girlfriends honesty. Yet, saving the world, lot of crap.

So. Raising my voice is not about me being right or me not being sure if I am right or not. It’s about being able to see what’s here, to be open and honest with myself to see if I am acting upon fear or emotion or I am capable of considering all participants and factors equally within principle.

Speaking facts, exposing dishonesty and abuse starts with self and it naturally flows into embracing our reality, including others as well. If there is anything, anything moves me, it’s not me, it’s a system, thus my responsibility to comprehend, decompose and stop, forgive and let go and take direction within awareness of consequence.

I see that it’s fine to go out with others and focusing on only ‘my purity’ in terms of remaining sober, not to fall into big emotional waves, becoming obsessed with thought patterns, and thinking it is enough, ‘I’ve done my part’ – while the whole world gone mad. Bringing change by living as an example is one thing, but when I am presented with opportunity to communicate, connect and share, stand up for life or accumulate doing something towards what’s best for all, there is no choice, or if there is any, I am being self-dishonest.

But until I do not deal with my obviously visible points, I will not raise my voice – or otherwise I will create the consequence of being wrong. And if I fear being wrong, then I will not even try, so that’s another pattern I justify myself with.
Humans are simple, I am simple if I want to be, and if I see something complicated, not clear, that’s because I do not dare or want to see how things are.
So this is a reminder, if I do not raise my voice when it seems to be, if I always be the nice guy and wait – hope – for others to do the things I consider as probably the right thing, I will never find and realize my true potentials, and for that I will always accumulate frustration towards within myself. – > see, this is also a self-definition, another trap.

So afraid of manifesting consequence based on self-dishonest or deluded perceptions, thus not realizing that meanwhile I am already becoming the consequence of not even trying, it’s almost like giving up before even starting.

Seems quite crazy to write like this, but with the compass of self-honesty and structured process, it’s walk-able and can be transformed into responsible clarity.

If I dream about Bernard to tell me what to do – I already know what I should and want to change within myself, thus this symbol of him was actually myself – to approach and face myself and listen, understand and dare to challenge and change.

It’s this easy to find something to work on self. So, this dream reminded me that Bernard’s one sentence was spot on and how if I recall his words, I actually see what I am still in debt to myself to stand up to and start living as an obvious potential within myself.

What is also clear about the dream – or more likely I liked afterwards, that I chosen process first, friends second, going to meet Bernard, even if he would be direct or raw, challenging and very overwhelming sometimes, I always welcomed as he was support, and if anything he – or anyone say to me – would really hurt my feelings, that’s also supportive to realize the extent of self-delusion I accepted myself to exist within and how timely and common sense to start working on understanding, stopping and changing.

Thanks for reading, self-forgiveness will commence in the next post.

Until that, check out EQAFE and the new Destonians community site.

 

 

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Day 364 – Resisting conflict construct

IMG_0987I am working on a Mind Construct which relates to conflict. My previous strategy was avoiding conflicts, because I had the belief and the perception that I am not good within solving them, not, because I believed that I do not understand the problem well, but it seemed that my problem is that I can’t share and communicate with the other(s) what’s right, and thus I had the tendency to not even try or simply avoid these situations.

This carries quite some points what should be reviewed in the principle of absolute self-honesty, which I am going to walk through briefly. I am still walking these points within the Mind Construct, so here I only share my understandings I became aware of thus far.

Walking a Mind Construct is a unique technique what Desteni I Process Pro online course entails to learn, an immensely great self-supporting tool to expose self-delusions and self-limitations in order to assist and support ourselves and each other to be able to stop participating within various types of self-dishonesty.

First of all, there is an obvious righteousness within that statement: ‘I can’t share and communicate with the other(s) what’s right’ – and it might be the situation, but to always start like this, no matter what conflict I face, it’s overconfident, and if I really investigate points, I simply am not right, but as I do not face the so perceived conflict, I do not confront my perception with others, I might just never know what’s the truth(facts).
So in order to protect my idea of ‘I am right’ – I can simply avoid confronting anyone who would oppose of that of my particular statement for instance. Avoidance big time.

Secondly, because I believe that I am not able to communicate my points properly, in particular with those who I believe to be much more efficient within communication and argument, I define myself as inferior within sharing and persuading. And if I really want to nitpick, the word ‘persuasion’ – it’s not about finding out and sharing facts, but persuading others of what I want them to perceive. That’s another point to consider.

My belief that I am not good with talking within opposing opinions comes from the memory and fear of someone being emotional near, with, against me, because of the memories of my childhood primarily, where adults were often angry at each other and really behaving nasty and argue and fight with each other and that I never liked, and as a child, could not really come out with a real good solution/support within those situations, but best seemed to avoid, be distracted, or if not possible, suppress the reactions.

Thus, the belief that I can’t do anything about emotions, emotional people, and then allowing myself being influenced to become emotional, I guess I did not even try anymore, or what I concluded or convinced myself to do was mostly distraction, avoidance and suppression.

Even now, when my communication skills have developed a lot since my childhood, at times when I am not aware of that I am becoming angry or frustrated, I am losing the ability to remain effective, to consider common sense, as I guess, many other fellow humans can relate with this, and I always hated this, because for me effectiveness and always being able to calculate options is very important.

Therefore, anything obviously causing to compromise the almost ‘cold’-like calculation within a situation, I simply disregard focusing to, which is, less nicely put: ‘don’t give a shit about it’ – if I can. If I can’t then I am in big trouble and often can overcomplicate or overreact.

Emotions are not bad – must admit – but if I allow those to control and take over me when I should consider facts only – then I am compromised and no matter what, everyone is always responsible for their actions, even when their mind is clouded. Thus I’d prefer not to be clouded.

This does not mean I can not enjoy, share or care, when it is an expression, directly, and not an energetic experience only, but an ACTION, then I live the words, not being defined by self-dishonesty-based influenced through my accepted and allowed relationship I exist in relation to words.

The solution is not that difficult – in written words – just be able to recognize a pattern, apply in real time the practical prevention and then to live the purified and re-defined version of the words.

Here: COMMUNICATION within CLARITY and PRESENCE.

So whenever I am being influenced with emotions and becoming reactive, energetic experiences ‘lubricate’ and speed up my mind and my reaction time is more immediate – when considering consequences and best options less and less, but automacically acting out a pattern, which I already realized within self-honest assesment and diary that it’s not tbe best to do, and I am not honest with myself absolutely, then once I recognize the pattern, I can PREVENT myself indulging within such automatic reaction.

Within this example I share here today – communication, conflict – I recognize, I should remain present, directive, not get reactive, and to see – in the past, yes, I was not that effective within sharing my point, what I see as relevant, but today, if I focus to what I want to say, to the other participant, to my physical body, breathing, environment, — then I can express myself, use words, enjoy sounding the voice of the words and not be influenced by the fear of not being able to talk.
Especially, because, in fact not being able to express myself properly is due to the overwhelming reactions, but if I stop the domino to fall into that reaction, I can stop the whole pattern to act out.

It’s quite empowering. And within the communication, sharing the point with other(s), expanding with response-ability: I might find out that I was actually wrong – thus I correct the potential righteousness as well – which, if I would not communicate and share, receive and hear, I might not even realize, but would remain in the perception of I am right, while not actually.

So, in short, this is a typical pattern what can lie behind in a two sentence scenario, what is worth to decompose and correct.

Self-forgiveness is practical step for taking action and responsibility, because

  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to fall into emotional reaction automatically, even I have already proven to myself that it’s not the best and honest way
  • and also forgiving myself for believing that I can’t express and share myself, because as happened in the past, defined myself as such, and thus re-creating myself again and again like that, thus locking myself into this self-definition.

Giving myself an opportunity to recognize that fear from emotions, conflict is fear from making the same mistakes I did before, and also giving myself the chance to STOP this pattern this time and explore what I can do to change.

This is the best tool to deal with any kind of limitation anyone faces in this world, and if being resisted, having excuse of why it is not your type of activity, way of dealing with shit, it is worth considering the fact that the very resistance you experience is also just a type of pattern what can be decomposed and transcended with the mind construct.

Also to apply self-corrective statements – it’s like creating a thin but firm structure to re-align, like a blueprint or screenplay for a scenario, where I should be able to support myself with re-creation, until I can stand in real time to apply the prevention, stopping, changing, expanding.

  • When and as I find myself within a conflict with someone, I make sure that I do not get emotional, do not get personal, I focus to remain stable, effective within communication and share my point – and hear the other and let us find out facts and solution.

We all are operating with words, our mind computer has the operating system programmed by our language, by our definitions, associations, and some of those are correct, aligned with facts, and some are influenced by fear, worry, delusion or desire.

Aligning ourselves to facts is not a nice thing, because many truth hurts, but that’s the way towards empowering ourselves to be able to really understand problems to be able to take responsibility for and finding practical solutions.

Equally so within our mind, our personal life and the interpersonal, universal world as well. As above, so below, as within, so without – it’s always a joy to share a pun and end it with fun!

Day 360 – Self-investigation about Intermittent direction

P1000211What I have noticed is that I am a bit unclear about how to live the word Structure, which influences my self-direction on a day to day basis as it does not always work when I need to do mid- and long-term disciplines, projects and actions decided to do myself alone.
Belief to decompose and correct:  I have extraordinary discipline and focus, when I decide to do something, I am achiever.
Addition: I do pursue/direct with discipline until I am being kept motivated. If it’s external – big compromise as I am exposed to the elements so to speak about how long I keep in one direction. I am aware of that I am effective with short-term goals and achievements, best is when it’s up to some hours, but if it’s taking longer, I am extremely challenged. This became an observation, then a self-definition.
Scenario, example memory: I am walking the Camino de Santiago pilgrimage in Spain with others. Usually 20-30 km per day. My effective style was that I walk quickly and covering big distance in a short period of time, then I rest up. I leave others behind, they rather choose a slower but continuous pace. Once they reach me in my rest, I stand up and say: let’s continue. (They often want to rest, while I am already rested up). I don’t do this for competition. I rather enjoy that when I do something, doing it fully. And then when it becomes a bit uncomfortable, I am getting tired, I take a rest. But then naturally continuing with the intense movement.
Keyword: intensity
Intensity is associated to stimulation and energy. If I am not experiencing intensity, I do not feel stimulated, I don’t feel energy, I don’t feel moving (enough). (( this is the point for self-forgiveness ))
Intensity is quite a relative term, comes from comparison and memory, self-definition and deep within: fear – fear of not moving, fear of not doing enough, not being good enough, fear of missing out, fear of sinking, fear of wasting time, etcIntensity guarantees the SENSE of movement, creates tension, but it’s not real, it is an effect. A false prophet.
Justification to avoid mid- and long-term projects, actions hides from facing the fact that I move in relation to and seeking after intensity, which is not sustainable, not in a consistent manner, or if so, I will have more intense and less intense periods.
Based on the ups and downs of the experience of intensity, my attitude also varies, which then makes it difficult to plan with it.
Thus it can happen, that I think of doing something, for instance doing a project for a week or a month and after some days I am less and less motivated and I am distracted, taking a day off, and sometimes even completely disregarding the plan, because intensity has dropped, and thus I was not stimulated -> motivated -> animated to continue in an effective manner.

This is obviously a problem, however it’s great support to realize, write and face it. I actually had various challenges and resistances within freeing myself from self-limitations and this is a big point but it’s doable to decompose and unblock my potentials.
Finishing this with a pattern, which I’ve noticed to unfold:

  • Deciding to do something I am being enthusiastic about
  • starting to do it
  • I am enjoying it, being stimulated
  • I have a challenge, a point which requires diligent work
  • I slow down within expression, intensity lowers
  • I allow doubt and distractions in
  • I break my discipline
  • I justify why not continuing
  • I simply abandon it
  • I feel uncool about it, creates a fraction more of doubt

With Desteni I Process online course, there was a Mind Construct, which assisted me to understand this pattern and how to support myself preventing to go into and how to start structuring myself and also debunking the belief that I need to strive to define and experience intensity in order to be motivated and moved, and that this originates from an original doubt which trying to compensate, and instead simply deciding to do something and start moving with consistency, no matter what.
Basically giving into resistances means that I am ‘too fast’ in my mind – and what happens is that the described pattern is being triggered and I end up at the end of having the emotional reaction, and within that I created a resistance within, which seems bigger than it is in reality.
So then two points to consider:

  • how to prevent myself going into this pattern
  • how to walk through an already created inner resistance in relation to something challenging

Only what’s challenging is resisted – many things I already pushed through, for instance driving was a HUGE one, took almost a year to overcome – and nowadays I can’t wait to sit into the car and drive, when needed – regardless of how difficult the road or traffic is ahead. Now it genuinely became self-expression through enjoyment and discipline. I take driving, safety and things about car very seriously, I am also collected and structured about how and with what approach to do things in relation to it – and the reward is that I have confidence and effectiveness.

One recurring point with what I expand within self-expression in a way what requires all of me to work with, thus it’s great support and tool to expand with is learning and playing music. I recently restarted to continue with it and just some days ago I realized that I stopped some days ago, and excuse was not true: not having time for it anymore, because even 15-25 minutes a day really adds to it and thus I am going to walk this resistance point with the example of music.

As in fact, within DIP course, my current Mind Construct to walk is about another, bit related pattern about music, thus it’s great to share about this process here. Especially by realizing that as I walk through this point about music, opens up a a lot within me in all other areas and pillars of my life. About consistency, decomposing and stopping the mind participation and more and more directing within a structured, yet more free way, as I have always wanted to do so.
Action, practice, focus to:
Note the upcoming, recurring points when I have a thought of should learn/play music and having excuse and justification: what reaction, thoughts, feelings, emotions happen, also focus to the physical aspect: in body, how I feel, where is my breath?

Discipline and create structured plan and simply push myself to do it, even if it would become a bother – while focusing to resistances, note them, what are the already manifested ones and how I actually allow to stop myself by them and why

Start writing action plan – not just tasks, to-do lists, detailed bullet points – but also in a timely manner: on what day, when, for how many days – and when tempting to not do it – write down reason to see. Writing assists to really see.

Balance it out with planning and taking time for support body and presence awareness: taking a break is fine, unless remaining in schedule and plan is at sight to manifest.

In regarding to INTENSITY – when I slow down, also can happen that I get an associative thought driving me into an action to do something I know I enjoy – when need / and want to do something which is challenging, regardless of I really want to, sometimes I can fall into the temptation to do something fun which is easy, such as meet up with friends, watch a series episode, shoot some computer game, have another nap, etc. While in fact the stimulation is not that intense, but it’s easier than to carve path into the unknown.

Today was an interesting day – I was at blockchain conference, went to opening, before lunchtime I left, went home, ate and then took a nap, then returned to the conference. The presentations were all very professional and fascinating, but the main point was to connect with the right people which already did, so decided to have quality time instead of quantity, thus it was actually fun to get back well rested and relaxed and to enjoy the rest of the conference and keep connecting with fresh body and awareness. So, sometimes it much more effective if I slow down a bit and remain present and directive, thus breaking the habit of ‘keep my mind and myself busy, thus seems like doing a lot’ self-conviction, and rather trust myself and live enjoyment as well.

And as I was kind of naturally connected with the slow down in the mind – thus becoming quite inside and at the same time focusing to what and how I do, with whom and where at – and it was enjoyment in a structured way – and I was not craving into intensity – there were some moments still, but in general it was already some change within the overall experience. Thus will investigate further.

Intensity is still a thing, my holy mountain which I can get to from bottom to top(a movie reference here) and in the simple every day moments within consistency to realize that if all moments are equal (why they shouldn’t be) then no need intensity – sure it will come and go, but the point here is not to get attached to or dominated by.

A lot written already, will continue bit later.

Day 359 – Doors of Hell are Open to Leave

IMG_9559

One more analogy. My last post was about Smart Contract as Self-and Relationship Agreement, today:

Self-dishonesty as Hell

There was a cool statement within one of the Lucifer episodes(TV series) I saw recently.

Lucifer walks Earth and tries to be a good guy, helps the police to find killers. Hehe, kind of a cheesy police procedural with some Gaiman’s Sandman elements played out in L.A.

Lucifer is confronted by a man, who blames him to drove him to do bad things he could never done by himself and then Lucifer says that the truth is that he never did tell or make anyone to sin and he does not decide who goes to hell, humans are being sent there by their guilt and forcing themselves to relive their own sins over and over and over again.

Furthermore he adds this as a funny part: the door is not locked, “you can leave any time you want but no one ever does that”.

If someone ‘gets there’ – although people re-live the bad, it’s often difficult to ‘leave’, even when manifested consequences pretty much paint directly to our face the fact that it’s total crap.

Guilt is an interesting approach: self-blame, self-eating, self-diminishing, self-disempowering loop, what does not lead somewhere supportive.

But what requires guilt to remain?

What I mean ‘remain‘ here is that the nature of life and existence is rolling forward moment-based. One moment comes after another and who we are within each influences who we are within the next one, but actually we are not bound to always remain the same as we are right now. And we certainly don’t, as we create and align to patterns.

Yet with how our relationship with ourselves, external conditions, others have been manifested and evolved, it’s often difficult to change our patterns. Even when the odds are obvious that we should. By no means I generalize here, usually I share about ‘me’ and not ‘we’ – but many might can relate.

Just let’s look at fear, anxiety, frustration – addiction, despair, depression – these are usually not fun, yet what compels me to go back to such self-limiting, self-compromising, self-defeating mind-states?

My own conviction, which might seem like my own guilt-based self-recreational hell actually. If I would not go back to re-rely to define things as before, if I would let that conviction go, I could – maybe – explore new ways to find solutions. But I am so convinced that the one I chose before is the best, even when obviously not, I go back to do the exact same thing again. Insanity.

It’s necessary to understand how consciousness works, how we use and hide behind our mind in order to try not to get stuck and still being lost within these systematic patterns.

Everything creates consequence, some more, some less, but what humans usually don’t tend – or not want – to realize is that even a singular thought, an attention, a reaction to that though is enough to add to some accumulation.

It’s the greatest truth, power and fact within existence – the simplest yet most important mathematical equation what creates and destroys, rules them all: 1+1=2.

Within human mind – the same exists: At each participation, it might adds only one tiny drip into a bucket, but once it fills, it has enough weight/mass to wash away practical common sense for more than moments, maybe minutes, even hours.

And during that time, what I do, think or feel – will create more reaction, accumulate more consequences, often regrettable, irreversible ones.

Then it’s really difficult looking back to see – this is what I did, – again – and not to define and accept that ‘this is who I am’. Even denial does not help, especially if it keeps happening. It’s kind of an art – to embrace the facts, yet not to define as this is who I am and thus have to remain as.

An example – if I don’t do something I want – every day – becomes a pattern. I can justify it, I can resist it, I can become frustrated; the reality is that I break out from it or not. If I break out by generating secondary reactions-energy by self-judgement, frustration, and then I am energized to change – which is then temporally and once fades, I return to the previous behavior as without the lifting/empowering energy I fall back to the original pattern. So in this sense I did not really change – what happened was that my mind needed a secondary pattern to control the primary.

Imagine many-many layers of such for dozens of dimensions and we get a picture of a human mind consciousness system’s strategy to contain a person’s life.

And what’s within is what’s without – as above so below – similarly manifested patterns, systematic if-then rule sets are driving the whole world system.
Is it enslavement by an external ruler? Might be that the system was placed to lure/trap beings into such systematic existence, but the fact is that the doors are not locked – anyone can walk out from these patterns and some do. Takes effort, but worth it.

What humans use? Words – building blocks of worlds. Polarity is merely a concept, yet based on self-interest – it’s subjective.

It’s important to understand that anything apparently ‘good’ can be twisted and used by the mind – even when we believe that we ‘fight’ for good – fight means conflict, separation, friction, energy – it’s not direct self living, it’s through the mind and to trust the mind is very-very risky. And many know that – if I fight – I might lose – thus choose to give in, give up, suppress, postpone and distract. Just this still creates: energy somehow somewhere in the mind/body. What accumulates.

The more I suppress – the more energy/conflict I create, the more emotional reaction I accumulate, and then it becomes automatic – and no matter if on the next day/week I am a new man, as all the patterns in my mind are also here – I click/react/move automatically. Can I directly change my own patterns? Some yes. Some, as I am not aware of, by default: no.

And that’s a humans personality basically, just hundreds, thousands of those patterns – and many are connected, related, and there are so many, and a lot happens even on a singular day, it’s becoming difficult to keep being aware of them all.

Especially when I am in emotional reaction, being angry, fearful – does not really help to stay on tracking reality awareness, the mind works faster, a lot of thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, associations, body energetic experiences: it’s just overwhelming – and then more and more of this happens, year after year I end up not being aware of the patterns exactly, how they connect, but in fact I am aware of them, just everything triggers and manifests so fast ‘in real time at situations’ – that I am – again – and always – so busy with the reaction what is being triggered, what I experience, what I will do next, so then I don’t look back, where this comes from.

It’s almost like as I age, constantly and quite quickly walking into experiences, imagining that I am this director of my life’s movie, meanwhile I am literally consistently falling into the next set of patterns and reactions, convictions, judgements, beliefs, thoughts, feelings and emotions animating me to move and react accordingly.

Objectively looking, even those, who somehow are manifested to go through mostly positive memories and experiences – often their life is quite preordained and so easily could be de-railed with some sort of intervention, thus although a human mind consciousness system is well-preprogrammed, yet being so fragile to change and stimulation.

Of course, there are always exceptional individuals, whose life seem so perfect, effective and extraordinary, but isn’t it also part of the trap for others, an un-achievable inspiration as that really can help to screw the mind: knowing that there is this perfect love, absolute fame, genius mind – that many comparing their life with they literally keep fighting for or giving up and not realizing that this whole system can be considered as hell.

Just like in a casino – many bet with their money and only a handful wins – yet everyone keeps fighting to be the winner, no matter the costs, because of their mindset and the survival of the fittest.

There is no real unconditional compassion, consideration, ‘humanity’, ‘love’ within the currently manifested cannibalistic capitalistic monetary/world system, just constant fight and struggle. Anyone denies it is still mesmerized by their own mind-bubble, which eventually will burst. Maybe only at death, but still. The world is an accumulated consequence, sins of our fathers, does not really matter how we call it, it’s really hell for most of us – not only humans, but animals, plants, the whole ecosystem.

The potentials are great, yet the reality is quite sad by looking at the big picture. Which is always an accumulated reflection/consequence of the individual contributions.

Why not everyone lives to their own possible best potentials and focusing on self-honesty, self-perfection, self-direction without inner conflict, without self-limiting patterns?

It’s not that difficult once one understands how the mind works, thus the education and self-learning is crucial here.

I used to study philosophies, psychology, eastern and western teachings, techniques, spirituality and many of those has some useful information, yet the most direct and fastest way to transcend self-dishonesty, thus being able to transform hell to heaven, here on earth, in the flesh is by walking a process of Self-honesty and Self-forgiveness.
Although techniques and strategies might differ from individual to another, but being honest with myself and to forgive what I have accepted and allowed to become, manifest and participate within: are universal aspects of Self as Life as who we all are, thus highly recommended to start understanding, applying and living.

EQAFE, DesteniIProcess and SelfAndLiving are the best places to start this process of realization, understanding of not only historical, theoretical but actual practical knowledge of how to understand Hell as the manifested patterns of our self-limiting mind, as Self-dishonesty to be able to give for ourselves a new opportunity, a change to grow without the time loop of self-sabotage.

Within EQAFE there are many-many topics and series, various areas of the mind, consciousness, the creation to understand, so then we becoming able to grasp what words we allowed ourselves to define us and that we can decompose those definitions and re-define in accordance of self-honesty and what’s best for all life.

Desteni I Process online courses (the first half year is free, with experienced buddy support, the others require some money as the trainers also have to live in this world) provide structured approach to learn the basic skills what are necessary to be able to investigate our own life to be able to overcome the weaknesses what have been pulling us down throughout the years and many are very personal – addictions, shyness, shame, regret, fears, phobias, unrealistic desires – it’s possible to self-heal.

Self And Living is a direct approach on focusing how to LIVE every day life, by looking at topics, such as living the words dedication, courage, points to consider about eating, sleeping, enjoying moments.

Desteni Forum to discuss with others about questions, answers and sharing in a structured way – ask your questions, answer others, socialize, share, enjoy!

Destonians.com / Journey to Life
to see what others who are sharing their insights, realizations, difficulties, solutions within blogs/vlogs.

There are a LOT more tools, groups and points are existing to start this indeed extraordinary journey to stop accepting self-limitation and start living – and any social media can/should be perfect to start sharing, asking, communicating and expanding.

Day 358 – Smart Contract with Self

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I am learning about Smart Contracts.

It’s something what is emerging and slowly but surely taking over the old-school contracting and business models in the world system.
It relates to crypto-currency but the idea is originating from the automatizing the if-then conditions, which become pre-determined, so then contracts and agreements can be able to ‘run by themselves’ without a third party.

Within the current mainstream system, lawyers, governments, banks do this third party role, but as Smart Contracts spread and become more and more popular, I take the opportunity to reflect this phenomenon and pattern BACK TO SELF.

For me as I am reading about this, it immediately reminds to Agreements. Those, who walk the Journey to Life process is more obvious what Agreement I mean here – the Journey to Life is just a cool label for structured, consistent and supported self-introspection, self-honesty, self-change course(I’d even call it as a lifestyle as if it’s done really, then Self-honesty permeates and manifests within self so profoundly, that one’s perception becomes much more self-and all life-aware).

So Agreement is when two or more stand together and agree on things in specific details on what they accept and what they don’t, preferably absolutely openly, directly and with the starting point of Self-honesty and the principle of “Give as you would like to receive”.

My analogy comes like this:

Within current world system, when two parties want a contract, they involve a third party, what they both accept as authority and they agree with each other but eventually they both go through/to that third party. Often both contractor has their own lawyers/representatives, who then go to one step further to a common authority to validate and keep the contract, handles when someone fails to deliver/keep what they promises, etc.

Within Smart Contract – there is no third party – there is a system still, which is basically a computer program, into both parties add their own conditions – let’s say A rents a flat, B lends it.
A puts in the money, excepts the digital keys for the flat – B puts in the digital keys for the flat, expects the money.

Smart contract activates only if the conditions are met – if not, then A doesn’t get the keys for the flat, B doesn’t get the money.

For this to work, they have to be very specific for all conditions to pre-exist for the Smart Contract to be able to be – well: smart.

It’s not yet perfect system, there could be conditions what might both parties can’t foresee/decide/control, what are required the smart contract to exist, but the good thing is that this system can and will expand, evolve and grow. With A.I. and new kind of currency systems, it’s quite inevitable.
Advantage is that it’s more fast, direct and obvious. And transparent. As no actual lawyer is involved, it requires less money(energy), etc.

When people apply Principled living within Agreement – we can say that the third party is the Mind, what can be excluded – no emotions, no extra energy, doubt, fear, worry or hope, desire is involved, but the participants focus to involve facts, reality-based conditions, a more immediate and direct way to be response-able, to communicate, to co-exist. Sounds smart indeed.

Usually, and I’d say this is the obsolete way, when a couple goes by emotion, love, which is just happening, optimally mutually, then they marry, procreate, etc and then hopefully the emotion and love remains (on the positive level), and if not, they end up living with someone they do not like anymore or people can also divorce but still ain’t no fun. Also the consequence and conflict they expose their family, friends, children to – quite a mess. Meanwhile all kinds of stuff they experience through their mind – conflict, uncertainty, frustration, anger, fear, jealousy, desire, hope, etc.

It might be seen quite cold, but I would approach all kinds of human interactions with Agreement, or be more blunt: Contract, as I am starting to LIVE with myself within establishing (p)re-defined word-based Agreement, I am becoming more stable and reliable, obvious and structured. Without becoming burned out or bitter, given up – I trust myself and if I not, I investigate and re-align with accumulative application of self-honesty, self-forgiveness, self-direction.

I don’t say love is bad or delusion – I could – but it also can be re-defined to live it according to what’s best for all – in reality, then it’s not subjected to my own interest. And if I really commit myself to find out what would be the best to do in my current life-situation, considering not only myself, my family, friends, country, etc – but all life equally – then I end up realizing that emotions might seem quite dramatic, but once I am able to stop the addiction to rely to those, to constantly seek and re-create emotional ups and downs – I can become much more consistent, reliable and trustworthy – for myself and others. And still – I can love, hug, like, enjoy, share and care – see – ACTION and experience does not necessarily mean emotions. Very specific and relevant to differentiate, requires quite some self-honesty and somewhat enough amount of active and self-directive investigation and introspection.

I used to believe that more structure, planning and consideration means less freedom, but I was wrong. Actually creative spontaneity and freedom can work much more consistently and reliably within structure and planning. I know. Sounds incredible!

If I agree with myself that when I start to fall apart and go into doubt, despair, anxiety and fear, then I stop, I re-align, I face the fear and I understand, forgive and re-define – I can actually skip the drama. I do not need to involve my emotional, unstable mind part if I do not want – and after realizing what I was missing, when I made mistakes, I can update, extend the Self-agreement.

It’s pretty cool actually – and if someone would worry about missing the love or emotions, feelings as then those are being avoided, excluded – I’d say cool things still can be enjoyed, shared, experienced, but why to accept dishonesty, disrespect or even abuse? Real Love should not be conditional, otherwise it’s not Real, right? Or is it something what comes and goes? Or shall I say – I still love, who I disregard? Sounds like a lie.

It’s so easy to scratch the surface of people’s stability, peace or happiness – and when conditions change, people and their relationships can fall apart so easily that it’s kind of scary to realize that the glue what makes people stick together sometimes work, for some people it’s great, for others it’s catastrophic.

The point what comes up within me about this is TRUST – within myself, when I ‘fell’ into love, my trust was much stronger than my common sense, and I relied to that – trusting into me that trusting to the feeling about the person that this will be awesome.
And when my trust in that person did not work out – which was actually trusting the feeling primarily – then I am here to question my own trust – about the feeling, the other person and myself.

Well, I have realized that to not rely on feelings but earn trust with time and actions is the way long time ago but in real life it seems to be more difficult to manifest this.

First of all if I have not yet established a working, living, and actually enjoyable relationship and agreement with myself, then obviously becomes very difficult to expand it to work with another being.

If I would have a tendency, a habit what does not support me – I don’t know, an example: all day watching TV series, playing computer game, eating ice cream, smoking dope, masturbating, keeping the car/flat too clean, chasing ladies, likes, etc – not saying these would be bad, but if I overdo, meanwhile based on common sense I could have something better and supportive to do, or existing to accept a problem I keep suppressing, escaping from – then that tendency, habit I need to address, I need to break it and stop participating, creating space and time within me to be able to explore what I could do instead of re-creating the same distraction from myself. The more I accept not standing up to the seemingly small things – they accumulate and will control me – but if I start accumulating understanding, stopping, changing – that will manifest. This also can be based on Self-agreement. Same can be applied within an existing relationship with others – partner, wife, family, children – to see what is not the possibly best and then to see what could be better.

It sounds literally quite disillusioning to live relationship, partnership, love with literally agreeing on everything and then to expect those to be kept, but if I really look at it, with ‘love’ it is exactly what’s happening: Both ‘have’ love and expect the other to have towards the other. And Love should be about actual and real care, support and responsibility, so then feelings might seem like quite a ride, but might not be that important. Especially if I rely to Live Real Love based on how I feel today – does not sound too reliable.

I mean, within living principled life, one can still surely experience good moments, awesome, exceptional level of enjoyment, but what it would tell about us, humans if we could not do that with responsible, planning and considerate way, only by our mind’s orchestration as third party between us, participants?

Actually as we both would have mind in-between each other and ourselves, it’s much more complicated, especially if one really investigates how consciousness and mind, personalities, emotions and feelings work.
That affection, desire, devotion and hope are also by-product of our imprinting, culture, thoughts, feelings and emotions of the mind.
And at the same time, dislike, distrust, anger and hate are also created similarly.

A lot of components of the mind we constitute by are self-dishonest manifestations, such as projection, blame, jealousy, greed, hope, fear – what can easily feed to manifest a ride of roller-coaster of positive feelings and negative emotions to go from heaven to hell and as it’s not being taught in school, people are vulnerable, exposed and totally subjected to these.

That’s why I vote for establishing Agreement. Self-agreement, Relationship-agreement. Citizens-agreement, all beings-agreement. Within clear, honest, open and caring moments to plan, create and agree on values what all participants would gladly live and share and assist and support ourselves and each other to live that.

And I know that some has this ultimate perfect romantic love relationship, marriage, life – and when we are within of such, most will imagine/hope that this is it, they are going to remain in it – but most won’t – and often will utterly fail and will be shocking the awakening that this is a bubble and it bursts. It’s also about self-honesty – after I fall into several similar patterns – will I admit, will I realize, will I change? So in a way – if I keep not changing/realizing – that’s also a self-agreement already, but not the best…

In a way, our current world system is also existing in agreements- Some are obvious, some are not much – for one: ‘money is our god, anyone lacking will be disregarded, excluded from the grace of our physical god on earth’.

It’s important to see the world with the ability to reflect things back to Self and re-align with a more honest and direct approach. A lot of things in the system showing who we accept ourselves to be and also a lot can show potential of who we could become if we would agree on living based on principle of always do what’s best for all and its not that difficult to realize what’s that – always start with Self Here.

So why not to re-evaluate, decompose and re-define our agreements with ourselves and each other a way which supports all within balance, structure, reliability and trust?

That would be really Smart. Contract or not, I’d like to see that.

Day 352 – Seeing the Matrix : Relationships

IMG_0529It is crucial to realize – the very definition and expression of the word RELATIONSHIP – determines any and all I experience, create, form and participate with in this world – let it be with objects, animals or humans.

All what we do is relate. Interesting word itself: re-late                    re-late-I-on-ship.

To see the Matrix is not by taking mescaline or stare floating green unicode character sequences but to see the relationships we exist within. In this sense, that’s why this is true from that movie(I know, I love to quote from it):

“-The Matrix is everywhere, it is all around us, even now in this very room, you can see it, when you look out your window or turn on your television. You can feel it, when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes.
It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.
-What truth?
-That you are a slave, Neo. Like everyone else, you were born into bondage, born into a prison what you cannot smell or taste or touch. A prison for your mind.
Unfortunately no one can be told what The Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself.”

Relationships we exist within is all around us, even wherever you are right now, how you perceive, define, react to, judge, relate to – it’s everything.

See – it’s not mystery to realize – our own mind is The Matrix they refer to, and if it’s defined to manifest self-limitation, then that’s we become and act as naturally.

But it does not have to remain like that, our mind is a programmable system, reflects our awareness, direction, effort and consequence, thus can be decomposed, understood, re-designed, re-defined with relationships of words.

To be able to do so, one needs the specificity and the commitment: to see the very core of one’s relationships, and it is not always transparent as the human mind consciousness system has layers, which we are not entirely aware of.

It’s not taught in schools, parents are also unaware of it, even psychologists/psychiatrists are just scratching the surface, eastern gurus and ‘masters’ are often telling or doing ridiculously questionable things and they don’t provide a structured platform with practical common sense and clarity and it’s filled up with belief systems, rituals or religion, thus it does not make any sense to delve into those either.

I’ve been looking for the ‘truth’ for so long, read all kinds of books, visited events, groups all over the globe, and what I was always searching: my self-honesty, which is right here.

Luckily, the free online course Desteni I Process Lite contains the starter skill-set to be able to start working on self, through the layers of our minds and our beingness directly – with words, with relationships of words, the building blocks of our internal and external worlds to act and relate in the real, physical world as well.

I only ‘promote’ this course and library, because it assisted and supported me, thus might can do others as well, but everyone has to see for themselves and alone no one can walk this through, thus especially this platform is a great assistance with seasoned ‘buddy'(who reads your writings, answers your questions), have already walked their own mind maze for quite some years to be able to discover the basic components of the mind at least. There is no catch, it’s free – those who support with the course, are doing it in the principle of ‘give as you would like to receive’ and in this sense, they have also received support from someone else before, thus it’s natural to give ‘other‘ ‘self‘ within the same process of realization.

Throughout and disciplined method is required to bring all the information, definitions, imprints and programmings of those minds I consist of to become aware of, and that’s necessary to be able to really understand and become able to change the relationships, definitions and personality pillars.

It’s possible, many have proven that already, myself included with some major points(alcohol, drugs, fear of driving, fear of change, fear of commitment of relationship, etc) points(and still walking many other), thus it’s to realize – it is not really a choice to become Self-honest and to live that, but it is to become aware and live of who I really am as Life.

Also to note, that within Desteni and EQAFE research – there are significant amount of studies, description, education and support about how the mind and consciousness really work, and even beyond conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind layers, there are more to become aware of, such as the quantum mind and quantum physical levels, which of one, from a certain point of self-realization also has to be aware of and be able to work with to face deeper patterns, imprints and fears, physically manifested self-dishonesty and resistances to stop. Just mentioning to see – process takes time but once one starts walking with commitment and consistency, change soon will substantiate.

“Although process seem to be forever – it is in fact always one breath away from total change.” – Bernard Poolman

So – relationship. A crucial point as permeates everything, thus if I have any fear, projection, judgement about relationship – I might have a chance to be influenced on a resonant level to manifest ‘secondary’ self-dishonest patterns and behaviors as well. That’s why I decompose and forgive any self-accepted ‘contamination‘ of fear and selfishness, spite or any emotion basically.

Seems a bit ‘obsessed’ to ‘work’ on self so much, I know – I used to think, back in my ‘good old days’, when I just took the psychedelics, meditated for emptiness, repeated mantras, danced for many-many hours to acquire a piece of mind, an inner peace, a solace for at least a while, before falling back into the grinder of my thoughts/emotions/feelings.

It takes years to really-really change. No workaround, but once I substantiate a profound awareness, understanding and practical direction – that’s real. It remains.

The variety of Relationships I participate within is surprisingly not much: primarily many would associate it with partnership = boyfriend+girlfriend scenario, but if we really look at it – everyone has a lot of relationships besides that:

  • What is my relationship with my family?
  • My boss, my neighbor, my government, my cat, my body, myself?

If I really look at it honestly, I should be able to describe each of these or any other relationships I find myself within.

That’s power – to be able to word it: awareness.
What I can’t word: should raise the question: Why?

Am I resisting to honestly describe my actual relationship with the person/thing? Why?

And voila: another relationship I start to see: the self-accepted resistance I exist with(in).

Am I not understanding what I feel, experience or see within the relationship I can’t describe with words?

Or simply I just don’t feel the necessity to word it – am I really the one what does not feel, or my mind tells me and I just accept it to have the delusion of self-direction, confidence, peace? These are serious questions for everyone who seeks clarity and understanding.

Not everyone needs reason why ‘loves’ someone or something, as many even believe ‘reasoning’ is buzzkill for feelings, but then how can I be sure that the feeling remains the same if I am not even aware of what’s actually it is? Or is it just to follow and enjoy until it lasts?
And many build families, raising children on these, and they wonder why their family turns into a soap opera with lots of drama.

So, to become aware of relationships to see what’s self-honest, what supporting and what’s not: it’s the very definition of everyone’s responsibility.

My own point with relationships: I have the tendency to submit myself into relationships, partnership, friendship, family – because I find myself ‘defined’ within it and through that I feel compelled to project out that if I don’t, then I am not good enough. I had several long term relationships before, but I have concluded each of them as ‘failure‘, because they all ended one way or another, and I see the want and desire to establish one what lasts.

Immediately seeing the point of wanting something to ‘last forever’, a refugee outside of self to rely to – and when it’s existence is endangered, to compromise myself, to submit, and this also brings insecurity.

See – whenever I share some of these ‘personality flaws’ – I do not feel ashamed or fear of being judged, or rejected – because once I name the problem, I can resolve it, and not that I am proud what I find within, but it’s courage to share, because this is what I am not going to accept but change within me, thus accumulating integrity: for myself primarily, but others as well.

That’s why it’s imperative to not only see the person in front of ourselves of who is the person today, but where she/he comes to what direction as well. So easy to get personal and judge and define, box and exclude someone based on a point they are currently walking, reacting to, figuring out, and they might just walk through in a week and unfolds to someone completely new – or doesn’t. The point is to see how can I assist and support myself and others equally within my and their process the most practical way.

Also to ask and answer: why I would ‘blindly’ ‘commit myself’ into a relationship what is not practical, and not realizing it, and thus not working it out?

For a while in my life, which was around at least a decade ago – I engaged into dating, mating, partnership in a way, which I can only describe: irresponsible, ‘not serious’, ‘playing around’, ‘having fun’ – and I obviously did not know that I still cause consequences and even worse: I judge myself, define myself and actually trap myself based on my judgments, experiences, behavior patterns and until I do not forgive and really change these within me: these will ‘haunt’ me as who I accepted and allowed myself to be.

Not something one would be particularly proud of, however I understand: it was a period of my life, I was kind of trying to find myself not being lost, so currently if I look back, I’d say it’s alright. However. Maybe consciously I understood and ‘forgiven’ – on resonant/physical behavior, emotional level, certainly not, because: lack of awareness of specificity. The devil is in the details, until I do not word exactly down these patterns, trigger points, reactions, their origin, played out consequence, my judgments, reactions, associations, automatic follow-up actions, etc: I am still automatically acting these out, thus the Self-forgiveness, thus the writing as support.

After looking into this: have to realize: I am compensating – I used to be ‘careless’ – now ‘caring too much’, meaning manifesting: worry, insecurity, submission – which is actually projecting out: control. Meaning, believing that the other is controlling, while I actually try to, based on worry and desire to ‘save’, but based on a twisted perception. Everybody loses in the long term. Must be self-corrected.

See – The Matrix – is relationships.

To be continued…

Day 342 – Facing Sadness and Experience of Loss

IMG_7732Some time ago I have been facing Sadness and Loss extensively and it can be real tough to walk through.

I’d like to share my experiences, realizations and the support I’ve been receiving from others and also giving to myself, thus being able to pull myself together from the shocking experiences of loss and extreme sadness to actually realize my mistakes and being able to take responsibility and move towards correction.

The whole drama could have been completely avoidable and got a real taste of what happens if accepting a fear within me instead of effectively dealing with myself, and thus started to manifest what I feared from.

With Desteni Process tools, applying Self-forgiveness and taking full responsibility for everything I experienced or did and did not do, I was able to correct my perceptions and stop manifesting irreversible consequences of my reactions, mistakes, but it certainly was a lesson for life.

Also sharing the unique and exceptional potential within Self-forgiveness as ‘demonstrating’ here the various type of ‘self-support’ I was able to apply towards directly to the difficulties in front of me for assisting and supporting myself to direct practical solution.

In fact, I was not entirely aware of with how and what ‘strategy’ I applied Self-forgiveness at points at hand – I just did, and much later, after days, when I did read back what I wrote throughout the days; and I had to realize that there was actual structure, levels of understanding and a sort of direction.

It’s absolutely mind-blowing to realize that Process works on so many levels with self, that it’s the best tools/skill-set/expression I have ever got introduced to apply and start living. Especially at difficult situations, I see that I am more effective, self-trusting, less dramatic and thus more relaxed in comparison to the person I was ten years ago. Gratefulness!

In short, the story is that I reacted to someone close to me’s action with an unbalanced, emotional, kind of blaming email, although it might had some points to ponder, but how it was written and what was the ‘vibe of it’, the person said this is not cool, good bye and I saw this as final and I fell into a completely petrifying loss and sadness.

The experience of the loss of the person being very close to me was very sudden, I did not expect it, my email(or my intention) in a way was kind of trying to cry out that something is not cool, but was not gentle or really direct and how the other person reacted and behaved I was worried of to be completely final, and as I was already busy with my emotions, on top of that with this fear of loss and sadness, I just fallen into reactions completely. Does not matter for how many years a person walks Self-support or Awareness – one moment of self-dishonesty can be enough to fall completely back – so never get too confident – but to remain humble and diligent!

It was quite shocking and took some time to be able to step out from this experience and put on the responsibility shoes, and this post is the process of that.

So, starting with overall description, then going to various steps towards being able to take responsibility and realizing the potential to change and correct myself.

What was very effective from the start is to realize the importance to keep moving, meaning if I interact, focus to general, every day commitments and responsibilities, I am busy and things need my full attention, such as discussing problem and solution at work, driving through fast traffic or working hard for hours.
Then I do not have much time to be Sad. Thus realizing – in a way – Sadness is a decision, but I did not know that back then.

When things slowed down, or I had my ‘me’ moments, or I stopped after a tiresome day, I kept going back to the ‘sadness’ energetic mind-spiral experience.
Coming home, to do my routine things alone, that was very challenging and the more I fell into sadness, the less I was body-aware – meaning to feel it’s needs, such as hydrating, eating, to handle cold or warm, etc.

Crying was option, but not always really ‘available’ as ‘action’ – just often got wet eyes and my breath became stuttered, although for me this ‘activity’ was never easy. Not as I would willingly cry, but even when most people would consider as relief or as self-expression, due to my extensive self-suppressing personality design from my past, this has always been a differentiating point for me in relation how others might behave.

What happened was a kind of cry in slow-motion but never reaching it’s full open state, so did not give a ‘release’.
By watching some specific TV-series – I was more emotionally reactive and here and there were actual cry for some seconds. For instance Twin peaks – the songs in them – or previously within the Leftovers series – had huge impact on me.

The most significant point is to realize that eventually the sadness and experience of loss will pass and I DECIDE how:

  • I deal with it within absolute self-honesty: to see what lead me here where I am, what I did wrong, why, how can I take responsibility for all of my part and to ensure in next similar situation to prevent what I learned from my mistakes
  • I suppress, distract, justify, blame or even forget and in a way I close down and hope for the best, for that in next similar situation I will do better, but I do not have full understanding, neither self-correction ‘prepared’, and also I will have this event’s memory as a splinter in my mind to always re-associate to worry from as a possible outcome

It was obvious that I choose the first. Especially with the fact that I did the second many times ago already, and I know where it leads: more confusion, doubt and fear, blame and delusion, so no, thanks, not again.

I have the tendency to suppress emotional reactions, to just ‘swallow’ anything of negative emotions and obviously accumulating in the background and thus most of the time I acted like I am totally fine.
I also got suggestion from my DIP PRO online course buddy, to indeed, give into the experience of loss, it’s OK to feel it, but also to remain present, anchored to and within body- and here-awareness. BTW – when walking the course of DIP PRO – one has this seasoned, awesome person to chat with not only about the lessons, the course material, the mind, but in a way it’s personal life-coaching with the starting point of self-honesty and the person is someone who already walked through quite some mind-constructs and delusions, emotional storms, thus basically a person, who walks what talks as well and that is an invaluable support to anyone, I am certain of.

After some time (days) I was able to ‘not go there’ – where sadness and the experience of loss ‘grew’ – but at uncaught moments I still kept ‘returning’, even – and it’s maybe my own specific style – to jump into the full sadness, like to put my head out from the trains window and the wind, sound, everything is like BAAAAAAAA, but in the next moment, back to be here in silence again.

Well, this obviously ‘generated’ some energetic experience, a mood, a tension, an emotion, what was not ‘thought’ anymore, but through this a kind of sadness, depression and crappy experience flew through me.

What I have realized that ‘I have to go there’ – when I am present, directive, ‘not sad’ but empty and be able to apply self-honesty, self-forgiveness.

It’s OK to be empty after loss – as feeling an aspect of self is gone, so to be with that emptiness with myself – it’s very profound yet calm expression.
Then to go into the experience again, but with direction to ‘clean house’.

It was still difficult to bring it up directly, basically to ‘walk into hell’ – but to do it with Self-forgiveness it is kind of quantitative self-liberation, to forgive each and every single point I encounter within myself as taking responsibility for all I feel, experience and also for all I did, and to see where to I progress, process and move, to dig deeper, to get to the origin/source point of my feel of loss and sadness, what circumstances and actions lead me here where I am now.

Within walking it, faced some blame as well, but I unconditionally forgive myself for whatever I experience and I keep doing it until I know and understand everything, all written here in front of me and I am empty, and be able to see all yet not react, nothing.
Blame is an obvious indication of self-disempowerment, cowardice and hiding behind energetic experiences, justified with self-dishonesty, thus it’s actually cool: whenever it pops up – then I must forgive each aspect of it.

I did write several days(after work, in the morning) about this, and each day I accumulated self-direction and became more and more ‘comfortable’ to face the sadness, the loss, my mistakes, my shame and regret with more and more clarity of what I should not do again in order prepare, support and direct myself to avoid making the same mistakes, what I realized that lead to the experience of losing the person from my perception, words, and action’s perspective.

And that’s all I can do, really – I can’t change what has happened, how the other would feel, see or react to me – that’s DONE.

It’s a profound realization, tough one. Manifested consequences remain. Period. Better to prevent unwanted things, seriously. Should be a lesson for all, some things cannot be changed. Ever. Yet do not fall into the self-mind-trickery of being dragged down it’s own self-created seriousness. That’s to forgive for myself. To give to myself a chance. To really change. Does not mean not to take seriously, but not with another layer of emotional swamp, but practicality and effective self-direction.

To let that heaviness to go, all I can do is to release and change, as is not my power, responsibility or consideration from the point of how the other will decide to experience, say or act.

Maybe will never speak with me again, maybe will, I really wished for the second- but within self-responsibility moment, does not matter, I walk self-forgiveness, anything comes up, unconditionally I apply: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad, because of our relationship has ended, because of my emotional instability and fear of loss, blame, lack of considering the other.

The actual story in short: In a way, I was realizing that it’s not the same as was, my experience was that our bond was fading and after some attempts to communicate about it, I just felt powerless for a moment and I reacted with fear, which then caused the other to just let it all go including me. There were another dimensions also, but from this perspective, that’s it. Well, this was not final, and we could still ‘save us’ as we did meet and agreed to continue our relationship, but I did not know that back then, so I just reacted big time.

I am going to share (in the next post) some of the first Self-forgiveness sentences I wrote to start supporting myself, and it’s also noticeable that in the beginning it still might ‘contain’ reference to other, in a somewhat hidden blame or justification and my responsibility taking might not start with absolute self-honesty.
It’s OK, usually I do not share such things, but this is here a ‘process’ I share and this is how I perceived in-between the emotional reactions.

It’s a process, so sharing here as example of ‘refinement’, especially when someone is in big emotional instability, rather just start and move, thrive for be absolutely self-honest, but sometimes where is my ‘location’ (in terms of self-honesty) is still within influences of mind-constructs of fear, blame and it’s core, source is maybe deeper in my mind, thus I have to ‘dig myself further’ with self-forgiveness, through the layers of justifications and blame, excuses and fear to being able to absolutely taking responsibility for all I can.

It also can be OK not to apply self-forgiveness ‘perfectly’ at first, in the sense of still allowing some ‘mind-tentacles’ to refer others, focusing to surface of the experiences, events, etc – nobody is professional in this, including myself, after a decade, when being in reaction – this is a proof here – basically I had to start Process from scratch.

What I mean ‘not perfectly’, well, not deliberately, obviously, just I know from my own experiences that I can go into ‘self-judgmental mode’ – and when I start doing/applying something and seeing it is not perfect, to just shut it down and say ‘not good enough’ – and sacrificing opportunity to grow and learn on the altar of an idea.

Maybe it’s part of the self-healing process to admit that, yes, I blame, I am angry, I am furious, I am disappointed, although it is equally important to realize that these are self-sabotage patterns, so never to stop and accept to remain there, as these are indications of self-dis-empowerment and actually delusions to self-correct. It does not necessarily mean that I am always the one who did wrong only in general – but it’s to ensure that I never jump onto the blame-wagon ever, as that is not self-correction.

Not in my case, but can occur that someone was really nasty and evil-ish and my conclusion should be by practical common sense to avoid the another person, but still: my reactions are my responsibilities. Hate is quite a havoc on my own body to expose it for that energetic experience – never worth it. So better to forgive myself and let it go and focus to what’s next.
Well, in my case – usually and here again – was self-judgement and anger towards myself on why I could not hold or just again ‘suppress’ my emotional instability, but I had to forgive for myself to be able to look beyond and focus to actual solutions with myself and the communication with other as well.

Just noting it as when reading other’s self-honesty and self-forgiveness blog, never compare it with how you feel or observe yourself doing as everyone’s process is different.
What’s extremely important still is to constantly push the limits of myself and see if I am absolutely self-honest, and how can I find practical solutions for changing the situation within me, in reality to a solution, which is best for all participants.

I will continue in the next post as realized this is getting quite long.

Take care and breathe, slow down within and embrace the pure essence of what you feel and realize: it’s OK to spend time with yourself and just breathe again, to observe, not judge, take time and you can see: sadness and feeling down is not that powerful, only when you start to follow thoughts, emotions – indicating that you want to give in, maybe as a self-punishment by regret or shame or fear of unknown or change – once you name it, can be more obvious on how to move forward.