Day 405 – Suppression further investigation

IMG_4508Continuing from the last post, where I opened up the suppression point…

Going back in time…

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define emotional experiences as overwhelming and avoidable because of losing the ability for clear logic to apply and within that fearing from manifesting irreversible consequences, meanwhile if am able to keep sliding on the logical thinking, I have a feel of ability to counter-avoid everything I think I would be doing wrong, and within that developing a phobia of making mistakes in general and within that not seeing/realizing and understanding that this rendered me action+less and more suppressing, instead of to dare trying, making mistakes, learning from them.
  • I forgive myself that I have defined myself and my actions to be good or bad based on the self-definition preferences personality system I’ve defined as who I am and within that trying to never risk and step out from my character in order to minimize the negative judgments coming up automatically in my head about what’s good or bad.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy being in control within my mind and reactions, so to use suppressing, muting, over-dominating thoughts, feelings and emotions within me, I became accustomed to strive for the perfect balance within me and only coming out from this behavior when feeling confident and whenever doing something not perfect, defining it as not good enough.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the extent of clinging to morality, even though defining morality as limitation and imprint from the system and finding it not to be influencing to me, in fact sometimes giving into the worry of other people’s judgments, what are actually the projections of my own judgments, justified by memories and within this not realizing that morality is only existing because there is no self-honesty, yet people do not want to feel bad about that, so they follow rules in order to make-believe that they are good.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized how blinding I have became with the morality projected out to other people, especially can be easily caught when someone is acting differently what is ‘normal’ and within that automatically judging the person and defining how relatable/cool/attractive/good they are and within that not realizing that it is also for hunting positive feedback, then turning them to self-judgments for my interest.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized how I am suppressing during an ordinary normal day, wherein I wake up, go to bathroom, having breakfast and going out for work or to meet someone or get or do something and within my moments not being aware of how much I communicate with myself.

Self-communication vs self-suppression

Looks like communicating with myself is being suppressed, and thus my actions also becoming suppressed.

  • I commit myself to establish self-agreement with myself to not only acknowledge and admit but to embrace who I am today, what I do, how and why and within that staying, resting, standing as my home and trusting myself that I can be-come absolute self-honest without any judgement or suppression.
  • I commit myself to express instead of suppress – meaning to open up, initiate conversations, move, show and do things without fear of failure, fear of judgement and fear of loss.
  • I commit myself to discover each moments within my living wherein I participate in suppression and to understand why I not express and to figure out how to express and what to express.
  • I commit myself to stop using my thoughts, feelings and emotions as those are results and seeds of suppression, meanwhile expression, movement, direction, clarity, planning, organizing, enjoying are seeds for further and more free expression.
  • I commit myself to balance myself out to not be needed an energetic mind consciousness system within me to balance me out with thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories and reactions. I become the physical expression of who I am as life directly.
    I learn to live with a dark and empty mind wherein I do not need to think to know, where I do not need to become emotional to feel and no need to have feelings in order to love, because actions speak louder than the mind.

Day 404 – Suppression to understand

IMG_3071My last post was not well structured, so it’s time to continue with self-forgiveness to see things more clearly

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to control breathing of my physical body in order to balance the overall experience of myself here and within that not realizing that while I believe that I am now stopping the mind, what actually happens is that my starting point is still in and as the mind, meanwhile sometimes when being overwhelmed and losing control, stability and ability to enjoy things, others, myself – then I utilize the breathing to pacify the waves what I’ve created with my thoughts, feelings and emotions and only doing it until I am experiencing this control-stability again, but eventually again returning to the reactive mind activities, thus not really changing, not really realizing, forgiving myself or stopping the mind.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being honest with myself how I utilize breathing as a separate tool only for stabilizing myself yet not cross-referencing, clearly seeing the extent of self-dishonesty within this application as only applying breathing momentarily to stabilize myself, instead of developing a discipline of being able to be vigilant and disciplined to completely re-align with the starting point and not the mind be the starting point but the physical direct living here.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that me breathing as controlling the lungs, muscles, blow in and out air is not natural breathing, it’s rather a thought-process directed to mechanically controlling the breathing process and in those ‘returning to breathing’ I need to be able to see what caused me to call this breath-thought and why, what was going on in my mind before calling that, and that whole situation, context, experience I have to be able to understand to find the self-dishonesty, not just breathe whenever it feels difficulty what I can escape from with buying time from my own mind.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the importance of accepting myself here without fearing of judgement of myself or others and within doing so I am not seeing that I refuse to see reality, because I am busy perceiving and interacting with reality through my judgments and trying to avoid to trigger my negative emotions and trying to trigger my positive feelings and thus having difficulty to fully understand what is the situation here, clearly, exactly, thus causing any proposed solution to be matching reality, therefore having difficulty with real change.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to try to be harsh and judgmental about myself for the sake of energetic experience what might seem to boost my passion for change, yet as it’s energy-based – with that energy boost I might be able to change a point within myself, what causes that type of energy to accumulate in the first place, but then once the energy is gone, there is nothing to prevent myself to go into that same pattern again – thus creating this cycle of walking a lot meanwhile not really moving ahead at all.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself to see that what I suppress is because I judge as bad, nasty, selfish, and thus not wanting to see these within me, and as not seeing them, not really investing to solve or prevent those, but in the background of my mind, they accumulate and when reaching a certain energy level, they just resonate within me so much that creating a point wherein I do those things what I suppress, and because of judging them as bad, I will suppress them and within that believing that I am transcending – until the next time they come out – and not realizing that what I also can do is to sit down with myself and ask – what’s this desire, want about this point I judge as bad – what do I really and truly desire here and what I actually do, and what is the reason that I judge as bad. Within that to realize – because I do not do those things as I really would, but kind of substituting with something I am aware of being self-dishonesty – the whole dynamics of this I judge as bad, and in the end I judge my actions, and becoming overwhelmed and distracted with the experience of judging myself, instead of the possible solution.

And those self-misunderstandings are not rocket-science – let’s say to be able to see energetic dynamic from suppression to obsession and potential energetic possession can manifest as suppressed sexual desire by self-judgement can accumulate to a mind state of becoming obsessed to get sex(ual experience)¬† once or twice a month and then judging myself for that, instead of looking at it holistically so to speak and acknowledge self-communication with clarity to recognize: it’s ok to have sex, so why not to do it? And from that moment anytime judging myself – to see if this is honest feedback and then I might am going too wild with this point and it’s time to evaluate if still am I honest with myself here and re-align accordingly.
Another example can be like when I wish for a cake and say to myself – no, I can’t have this now, too much sugar recently – or I am exercising or I am sick now, whatever reason today no to simply fall into such impulsive desire – and I if I love cakes and that seems relevant to who I perceive myself to be, then I can say NO for only so long, and eventually I might end up just eating five cakes at once, which might be more worse than¬† just having a bite here and there from time to time and just enjoy it fully.

So to judge stuff as bad can result in this police mind, saying – NO, back to your jail! And then the prisoner might escapes from time to time wherein I am just driven by it for a while, I am not in direction, but my suppressed aspect catching up – so then next time not to be the policeman and the judge but to support myself with self-forgiveness and actionable plan to change.

That’s why it is crucial to open up points within self, from past, wording out and bringing those here – might not feel wonderful, but it’s just there is no other way to face and truly change.

Another example suppressing financial struggles manifesting me to become less responsible with spending because if I am constantly reactive and worried about my lack of financial stability – making me emotionally and mentally less stable and more vulnerable to impulsive or irresponsible spending.

Or without the ‘financial struggle not cool’ feel, I am spending and eventually that not cool feel will return and that is how my life’s financial aspect is being in equilibrium – fear for survival will make me spending less.

Not being clear on why and what I want money for specifically also fogs out the direct goal to reach thus when temptation comes, there is no specific point to bring up as common sense, therefore the whole ‘lack of money’ thing is just an other con within me, being part of the big dynamic of how my mind finds its balance across all of my every day living. And the mind in balance is not a bad thing, when people force themselves to shatter that balance with alcohol or drugs for instance – it can become madness and insanity for sure if the person can’t find their balance back soon, they can render incapable of staying effective in the system.

That’s why it is crucial to work progressively with the mind and oneself, not with rocket launcher, but with writing one word at a time. Knowing is useless until it’s being used, so even the greatest revelation will not mean anything if I do not apply it to my own life.
Ok, so in this moment I had a breath out sigh, type of bringing myself back here.
What also can happen is that before applying breathing, I am finding out where is the body at – in terms of do it needs to breathe in or out, is there air in my lungs, or is it empty – and that kind of ‘processing’ – makes the whole ‘stepping out of the mind’ kind of strange, because I am not even aware of where is my breath literally and when I reach for the breath from the mind – I NEED EXIT A.S.A.P. and those extra moments to figure out how to CONTROL my breath are very revealing to how wrongly I approach this breathe thing since long decades.

It’s a kind of pattern what I’ve developed during my spiritual practices, when I was doing zen meditation and all I wanted was to quiet my mind, to smoothen the surface of my mind-lake and whenever something came up – I just pushed it back underwater and said – QUIET!

After a while it was really difficult to keep all in one place because what happens is that I am with myself, opening up myself and I want QUIET – meanwhile this is a moment with myself, so things will pop up in my mind, what I forgot before, what I haven’t dealt with, what I am worried about, what I desire, all the things I’ve put into my mind, meaning what I think or feel about. Everything is here with me and they usually pop up automatically, but when I am in this DISCIPLINE MODE – I want nothing, but discipline.
What I do is basically perfecting suppression with the meditation. Note: it can be perfected in terms of becoming this mind-samurai, and anytime one can just switch out from the patterns into this clear space of mind – seems very cool. HOWEVER this will not solve anything.

I see I am still doing this, instead of wording down issues within me – it’s tough – because once I honestly admit and write down everything as they are – then there is no more distraction, escape, procrastination or diversion – in front of me written how much I compromise myself with suppression. So then the quest I should be on to find the answer to the WHY.
Why I suppress, do I not believe in myself that I can do this? Why I can’t trust myself on this matter, what is the justification for not wanting to do what I need to do in order to get something?

It all leads back to the delusion definition of freedom – to believe that I am more free if I can use my mind to experience things differently than they are – it’s not freedom – it’s a misunderstanding. Because I am not free by doing this, it’s quite the opposite.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe freedom to be to be able to avoid, experience, understand, suppress, procrastinate and deny facts here, meanwhile the true freedom is when I am being able to be aware of all what is here, because whenever I am not aware of something, it indirectly or directly makes me enslaved to it by my starting point of believing not needing to take responsibility for that point I want to elude from, meanwhile the solution is in the WHY I want to elude it.

These points are outflows of working on my assignment to Desteni I Process – wherein investigating the words I live and to see how can I re-define them in order to prevent fear, polarity, self-interest. It is simply put literally a life-saving course. Noone really knows how lost they are until they start walking this course and how structured one can become with consistent application of writing, self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-corrective statements, so then in real time to be able to make a difference. Even if it’s about forgetting watering my plant or how to approach society, the world system.
That’s why does not make any sense to jump into world-changing meanwhile I have not yet walked myself to change before – because that means I have no idea how to deal with my weaknesses, I might not even know what those are and like that engaging with great world systems, corporations, law, money, politics – it’s really easy to make mistakes there with a delusional mind.
I had this strong impulse to add to the world change somehow in my life, need to save everyone and had to slow down and to understand that I have to save myself first. And although I would LOVE to work with world system, finance, education – there is still so much things to correct within myself.

This was difficult to admit, after walking process(of desteni-supported self-change), although it’s not like a workplace where after years one is being promoted to be more senior position, like as from internal now should be time to work the external. Rather to realize – the two are the same, but the only thing what balances it out is practical common sense.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define to be difficult to truly, directly admit and embrace, discover and research facts about how I behave, who I am, and what I am doing in my life every day, in cycles of days, weeks, months and years and to be able to NOT judge myself, just observing objectively, and not considering what it takes to be able to do that.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that suppression is a good tool within my disposal to be able to feel and do better, because of it’s addictive experience of clearness, clarity and unshaken stability, as whenever I would go into an emotional reaction, I just suppress, and after a moment, I am here, clear again – almost like as I say my mind is a lake, and even if I throw in a car – it will just sink in a moment and the surface will be clear – however that sunken car is in the water, all the things in it will leak, like the oil, petrol will just spread in the whole lake and becoming contaminated, until I will not take the effort to lift out that car and deal with it on the surface, such as taking it to junkyard, disassemble and recycle, so then the lake can start healing – meaning instead of suppressing things, actions, reactions within me it with judgement – to be able to notify, understand, yet not judge, not react, not categorizing – yet still trusting myself that I can see that this is not acceptable in the long term to sort it out, solve it.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and worry about if I fully embrace myself who I am, I would accept myself with my flaws, self-dishonesty, weaknesses and then I would be alright to live like that, and that would make me feel as given up and lost and within that fear, actually not realizing that with the cycle of suppression, as I am not truly changing or solving – it is literally what I am manifesting currently – not changing, but only making myself not to experience what I want to change or perfect until it just grows on me and will take over me to show me that it’s still there – and then if I suppress it again – I will not see it, thus I will not see the need to solving it, therefore to be able to see how the suppression happens, when, how is crucial, even if it means less balance or stability for a moment, as I trust myself that I am going to deal with this.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to look at stability and balance as something I have to create, maintain and control, instead of looking at things what challenge and I accept to sabotage my natural balance and stability by seeing the points of reactions, judgments, doubts, desires and fears, such as sexual and monetary insecurities.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that suppression is something I have to work every day with, actively, with structured application of writing, opening up, planning on solutions and cross-reference it’s progress, otherwise I will not directly see how or when I suppress.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for desires because defining them not too high level or inferior, selfish or addictive, and not realizing that the things I can do are not the problem, but how I approach them and how I accept to relate within me is the source of not being the best possible way on living – and not realizing that having sex or money is not wrong at all, although as I have defined myself that I am more than desiring those, I want to be not dependent to those, I want to be free of those made me believe that I can pretend not needing them, and whenever I have experience of desire for or fear of not having – I simply suppress that experience and keep maintaining the ‘not caring about this’ experience.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the actual enjoyment to challenge myself to see all my desires as they are and within that to see that the problem is only because of how I compress self-dishonesty into solidity by accumulation thus becoming part of my self-definition, instead of being honest with myself that – Okay, I need more money, I want a house, what I have to do that for, okay, not to but expensive cameras for 3 years.
    (not that by the price of 3 cameras I could buy a house, but in a way, for the price of ten maybe).
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fixate my desires to the perfect imaginable situation and whenever there is opportunity to reach the initial desire of mine, to compare it with the desired imagination and not being that perfect, resulting in comparison, judgement and refusal, however it might be just I am deluded to see what potential is actually here by the absolutism possession in my mind.
    (such as I want a house in nature, near river, forest and animals, with fast internet, etc – it is expensive – and I might have to start somewhere more realistic, to get one what is affordable, thus creating further financial stability first, then move forward from there)

So what seems like I have big plans, desires, but the actual get to there is not tangible, rather being a source of frustration.
That also causes tendency to suppression.

And whenever these patterns step forward or I am a bit more aware of them, there is also shame of self-judgement, which is really not supporting.

But in a way it is mirroring what’s happening – I judge myself, I feel bad, because I do not really change, and although I do select what facts I want to see when about who I am – about not changing I see the fact as it is and that gives weight to this feeling bad about myself in comparison to potentials.

This shame is quite rare within me, but when it’s here, it’s kind of revealing the whole general mindset.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of not doing more than now as I see potential to do more but not being very specific in terms of what I am ashamed of and what I actually can do more or differently, and within that to realize this is just an other trap in my mind to run it’s cycles of energy reaction/accumulation/discharge and within that flow, experience movement with energy, and to define that as real movement.

I had eczema on my chest some weeks ago and Mike mentioned points I wrote here now that these can support eczema. And I decided not to worry about money anymore and got some good creme to care for the skin spot. It kind of disappeared, but as I am now writing, bringing up these points, my chest is itchy, as indicating(I think) that I am touching the same point and as things come to surface, still not yet solved, but first have to bring everything here so then no need thinking, feeling, reacting to be able to experience these – then I am able to see what’s necessary to be done.

For instance about money point – to agree with myself on what I can buy and when – for someone this is easy, for me as I always had easy salary since finishing university – my pattern is that no need to put aside money, each month I get a lot until I am working – but that is kind of limiting – because I can’t buy more than my salary and I am destined to always work in this way. Which, of course I have judgement of not being good about and by time it also accumulates into being discontent, what I also can just suppress for a while.

So this post is quite eclectic, opening up points and applying self-forgiveness at the same time but in general this is way far from being fully revealed or being done.

What also matters is to rather focus to consistent walk, multiple times a week to write and share about this, instead of now trying to break the iceberg with one go. As it’s not really doable anyway, especially as these points within me are present in every day living, thus needs to be worked with in real time.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the opportunity to write every day and within that not just writing, but utilizing to a specific point within my life, such as suppressing financial-related reactions and disciplining myself to spend more responsibly. Or working with sexual energy in current situation not having a partner and prevent falling into temptation for objectifying, suppressing or exerting something what can be completely normally expressed and enjoyed without a judgement.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that suppressing breathing here is a sign of suppressing energetic experiences of judgments within myself and accumulating into instability and emotional compromise, lack of vision, direction and general awareness of what’s happening here in reality, thus I commit myself to work with suppression, reveal my suppression trigger points, reasons and justifications in order to prevent myself falling into denial of what’s here within me in relation to the points I want to be better with.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that mind-energy experience is like sugar, it’s whoosh creating a big wave within me, but it tolls my phywsical body, it’s stability, it’s capability to deal with reality.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from losing control, to fear from being exposed who I am without suppression and fear of being judged by myself and others and wanting to be accepted and loved by others because I do not accept and love myself unconditionally at all times, and not realizing that it’s tangible and doable to love and accept myself with walking the points of self-dishonesty specifically to change with application and living of self-forgiveness.

to be continued with further investigation of suppression.

I suggest to listen EQAFE – it’s exceptional support. For instance I’ve listened this:

Quantum systemization of the mind and physical

Day 402 – Back to Basics is grand


  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my physical body as a vessel, a tool, a device for placement of my mind consciousness system and not considering IT to be ME as equal as one – in any and all moments consistently.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the tension I make my human physical body carry through my mind’s activities such as worry, anxiety, judgments, desires and procrastination and not seeing the doable solution to understand the source points of those reactions, thought patterns, their trigger points and within each to become aware of the give up, defeat, powerlessness and justification pattern and write what to DO to prevent to fall into those patterns.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only relevant pattern, equation, science what I really need for change, improvement, expansion and power is to truly grasp what it means the 1+1=2 – as within it to see/realize/understand the real power in creation and existence is within accumulation – and thus to realize – what I sow is what I reap – thus to make sure that what I participate within – I am aware of it’s consequence – speaking of my own mind and through that all my interaction in this world.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I am resisting to develop consistency toward accumulation through considered actions, I am accepting my self-limitation and thus I have to investigate why I do that and what is the thought-pattern, self-definition, the emotional reaction I maintain and re-create in that specific situation – thus being able to see the pattern before I am going to be participating within.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that to be able to see a pattern before participating within it requires further understanding which I have to embark onto a journey to discover, which means series of directed actions, such as self-investigative writing, decomposing thought-patterns, opening up old memories so then in the moment I do not have to think of why and what I feel or should do – thus I do not ‘Think who I am, but Knowing who I am’ – and within this practical knowledge is when I do not think in real time, but acting immediately.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to slow down to the degree of being able to see my mind, my thoughts, and justifying it by ‘I need to work’, ‘There is no time for this’ or ‘this is stupid, I just can think myself outside of the BOX and not realizing, THINKING IS THE BOX’ – thus to become honest with myself that whenever I think, involuntarily – it is not me thinking, but my pre-programmed mind puts me into a situation it sees to fit, regardless of is it the best possible way or not, is it the possibly best for me and others, all life or not – and I am the only one who can deprogram it and give it a change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I need to re-start process, BACK TO BASICS, and it is not to be judged, but to be honest with myself and no matter why, or how many times, but if I am slipping from the principled living, to get back to the beginning and start over with the most obvious points, things to write, forgive myself and start self-correcting.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start becoming aware of a pattern and let it go and give it away within thinking or judging that it is now better, fine and get distracted by other points, other reactions, and not realizing that I did not walk this point to the utmost specificity and manifested yet into real, consistent and measurable change.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself, my behavior, my thinking, my desires, my suppression, my reactions, my body, my visual representation, my habits, my taste for things and get distracted and mesmerized by the polarity system with self-definition of positive and negative reactions and not seeing the actual addiction to this energetic reactions, positive feelings or negative emotions, and within that to see that my mind is a self-balancing energetic parasite living off my human life force as the physical body, as the equal and one aspect with all of existence and within that to realize the ridiculousness, limiting and degenerative nature of the mind consciousness system each human accepts themselves to exist through and within.
  • I forgive myself that I have lost the consistent awareness of ‘each and every single human being is equally responsible for the current state of this earth’ and fall into the games of my mind instead of keeping real, present and directive each day, accumulating expansion, awareness and practical change through applying radical self-honesty, self-forgiveness, self-corrective and self-commitment statements to assist and support myself into actual and real physical change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as breath as me, as moment as me.

This is crucial for me, I repeat to write it down.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as breath as me, as moment as me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a way what is not the utmost potential of who I am as life and within that not being absolutely detail-oriented and specific and thus allowing the tendency to generalize, judge and react, instead of keeping it practical, real and doable.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider myself to be equal and one with my human physical body and judging it, reacting to it, and handling it’s weaknesses as something to hate, get pissed off about and not realizing the mirror what it holds to who I accept myself to be as beingness, as the representative and the earth ambassador of Life who I am, just as everyone and everybody else equally as one.

Enjoy EQAFE:

Day 399 – Resisting the uncomfortable leads to delusions

IMG_0532Continuing from my last post. Based on that loss experience, I felt as I am losing the opportunity of this transparent open communication and I got attached to that, because my definition of it was not of and for self primarily, or even if it was, also was conditioned to a partner. That was a mistake. Well, lesson learned.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get attached to the judgement and idea of possibility within a relationship and focusing to potentials, desires and hopes instead of seeing and feeling, experiencing and living here what is real – and within that creating inner friction, comparison, conflict and emotional energetic reactions, which then distracts me even further from my responsibility, which is stability, consistency, application of self-honest change, re-alignment and expansion.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be blunt, direct and honest with myself within situations wherein there is a possibility that I make mistake, I bet on something what might not end up perfectly as it could and within those situations judge myself, become angry with myself for the decisions and actions I took – or the actions I did not take but I feel like I should have – and thus creating distrust, doubt and instability within myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding the actual and exact judgement wherein I was not making decision with practical common sense, consideration of what’s practical and for that judging myself, and also for not being directive enough for falling into automatic reactions in regarding to that experience I define as ‘fall’ or ‘mistake’.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself with the word ‘mistake’ and by that experiencing energetic reaction, like a shock in my mind as I did something bad, what then accumulates and defining my confidence, stance and integrity as less firm and reliable – instead of letting go the self-judgement and defining mistake as bad, rather to see how can I support myself to see mistake as opportunity to improve without reaction, without fear, without judgement.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have defined myself to be the same every day, automatically, without realizing, and more importantly, not being specifically sure why – and not question myself of what I do and why on regular basis, within that to not realize that I can re-align every day, every moment with what I see practical, self-honest without any external condition or inner experience by simply directing myself one breath at a time with clarity and self-trust.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in general, to not trust my own relationship with myself and wanting to boost it with relationship with other, others and within that defining and developing a need, a yearn, a desire as a hole within me setting up for a journey to fulfill and accomplish and within that general starting point becoming dependent and less directive within myself because of the conditioning I believe I have to remain faithful with in my mind as ideas of what I must do or act in order to have partner, get what I want and not realizing that this is because I do not admit who I am, do not want to be honest with myself of what I really want and how and why and within that fearing from judging myself and thus keep chasing ideas and experiences instead of arriving here on earth with practical common sense.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I accept myself to slip back to define who I am and live according to memories, my experiences to memories and contributing my life to become a tribute to the re-creations of several experiences wherein I feel good, stable and warm within and not realizing that it is an experience what I create based on the avoidance of my responsibilities within self-honesty – and thus the warmth I create is the relief from the defined difficulty from facing reality and not realizing the opportunity to solve my problems even if feeling more tough or uncomfortable.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define uncomfortability to be desired to be avoidable and within that resisting things, experiences, people, conversations, actions what are resulting in this experience without questioning why and what is the reason for that uncomfortable experience.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to slow down within to see that the physical uncomfortability I experience at challenging moments is coming from the mind-based experience of uncomfortability and I have to decompose that, prevent it to be triggered MEANWHILE the already programmed physical is going to remain uncomfortable for a while until total and consistent change in relation to resisting uncomfortable situations, meaning to understand what is the difficult here: to admit what I fear within when approaching relationship, what I do not admit to fear to lose and what I fear from to be exposed to as several experiences from my past I still hold onto to define who I am based on what I want to avoid at all costs, such as trusting someone and the person decides to leave, thus not to give that trust and when doing so, still worrying to be left without realizing it.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that although in my conscious and logical mind I know that I should establish trust with myself and expand that with other and not to define my self-trust and stability according to other, however trough accumulation of emotional bond defining it as valuable, developing hope for it to be permanent and within that also developing the attachment and fear of loss without admitting it.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the common sense is to communicate with myself every day to see what I am accepting and allowing, accumulating, was any experience resembling to worry, attachment and then to deal with it, forgiving myself for doing so, with the understanding it’s trigger points, so then next time when would occur, recognizing it and assisting myself to slow down and breathe through and focus to practical change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the potential to walk through my past, so then I can start living without fear and not realizing that it means not only to say letting go the past, not just trying not to think of it but to directly ask and answer to myself how I am still holding onto it and to plan, structure and achieve the letting go of it in a practical, measurable way.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed to realize that to fall in love although seemed to be beyond me, and when occurred to me did not realize that it was due to the fact that I was hoping for things and when those things happened, looked like my hope was fulfilled, so it was automatic in a way, and as it was not self-directed, but was built by emotional accumulation, that energetic charge had to be burned down when the relationship was no more and within that I was able to see the mirage I’ve built within my mind and the difficulty to let it go, because I got attached to it, exactly not to the person triggering it, but the very relationship within my own mind.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only real and true love I can create is with context- and reality-aware accumulation of actions as responsible – towards myself and others and if any energy is being created in my mind, what can lift me up or down in mood, is a sign that I am not experiencing reality, but through the polarity-based judgement in my mind, created by myself, through re-creating my memories.
  • When and as I am frustrated, experiencing any mood, I recognize that I have defined ways to deal with it, such as entertainment, desire for sex, wanting to leave being sober, get into a trance state – it is the moment I can take ownership of my life by declaring this to be the moment of responsibility and stand up and ask and answer to myself what is the actual problem I am facing but not directly, I am trying to distract myself from and to give the recognition of the realization that uncomfortability and resistance is a great support here to show where I am needed to focus to to solve my problems, self-dishonesty in reality.

So this is relevant, for instance after a busy week, when I did not deal with the judgments, experiences during the week, I can accumulate some tendency to ‘step out’, for instance just indulge to self-pleasing and entertainment during the weekend to ‘let go the tension’ and ‘charge up myself’ – and within that not recognizing that I accept reactions, not admitting what is the source of my uncomfortability, not focusing to physical body awareness for the signs of anxiety, but to fall into experience-dependency to define who I am and how I want to be stimulated.

That’s why it’s relevant to write at the end of the day – regardless of tiredness, even one or two sentences can save from the oblivion and re-align myself with the practical support.

All the loss I experienced in regarding to relationships is also just an experience – and how I defined myself according to these experiences – and how I used, in a way still might – try to use relationships to hide from myself. That is a cool approach to continue towards – in the next post, thanks for reading!

All the uncomfortable things you can list up – worth it, because often becomes resistance and then becomes behavior and you just accept automatic reactions towards uncomfortable things and you just end up deluding yourself and the world – using the mind not as an awesome tool to solve problems but to shield oneself from them.

It might be that generations after generations people tried to resist and escape the uncomfortable facts of the consequences of our actions but reality is always here to show what it is we are accepting to accumulate – it can become overwhelming to ‘wake up’ from the shield of our mind-delusions – even frightening but that’s why the Desteni I Process online course is setup with experienced buddy, great lessons and exercises to slowly but surely becoming able to be the responsible with common sense without losing our mind.

So many examples when it’s obvious about people who blame others for their own issues, such as racists, fascists, rapists – many get so obsessed that they actually hurt and kill within this mind-possession – and they all got there one thought and emotion at a time.

Not saying if you do not deal with your emotions and judgments, you definitely end up being a nazi – lolol – but if we care to investigate their mindset – the resemblance is obvious – they just could not accept and deal with something uncomfortable within thus programmed their mind to change their perception, becoming deluded and abusive.

In this term – who am I to judge others for what I might contribute to as well – of course there are ‘levels’, one might say – when it’s only self-harm, it’s fine – but what society is where we accept others to delude and harm themselves, maybe because we are so busy with deluding ourselves in the first place.

Thus to support the world – always has to start with supporting myself – take your time, effort – it’s not selfish to deal with your mind, it’s common sense.

Day 397 – Resistances, frustration


Some resistances I am not aware of within. It’s not that tricky to see what’s inside myself as who I am in situations, but sometimes I am preoccupied.
Within those moments almost feels like everything is automatic, the current moments have been decided somewhere in the past and now I have to roll through and keep looking forward to spot opportunities when I have to move.

Moving meaning beyond this automatic framework of what I am doing in my current life.
It’s multi-faceded, because there are desires, plans, goals within and most of them are currently blocked by various reasons.
Not enough time, money, specific skills, opportunities or simply luck, thus I have to just keep looping with my currently created days. That’s the feel.

But it’s a trap of 22, because if I do not change, expand, transcend, my limitations will not fade, my resistances will not weaken, or maybe, out of ten one or two would, but still I would end up being extremely limited – in comparison to my potentials, plans and goals.

It is important not to get mesmerised by potentials of who I want to become and keep faking it in my mind while disregarding why here I am neglecting to acknowledge the reality and specificity of my limitations and resistances.

Naming the game really assists to get back to the ground, meaning what I want to achieve exactly, because then I will be able to assess or plan what has to be done.

Resisting to stick to a daily plan – often happens – but that’s the point – happens. For instance started learning piano with teacher. First weeks, almost every day it was natural to sit down and practise – now I have to decide – which evening I have to do – and sometimes, just as with most of commitments, there is resistance. With this, it’s rare but it is there.

Another example: I have decided to take ownership of an administrative role for a community’s website, because of my interest in community and land management. The point is – it’s really not that extremely difficult to do, but have to change configuration, installment and deployment scripts – this is what I do as daily job, so should not be difficult, but to take the decision of my free time is something I resist. It only needs to be done once, and from there this would be grand. But it’s still new and facing some frustration sometimes with it.

When I have difficulty with things what are not extremely important or considered as ‘default’ – I think I give into the temptation of inherent avoidance of frustration.

Thus today, let’s focus on this frustration trigger and being carried away from the original point.

This is why writing is relevant, practical and supportive – just look at the facts, reality, problem, let’s understand the dynamics.

Let’s build a simple timeline before applying self-forgiveness as practical awareness tool for self-correction preparation.

I do something new, difficult, complicated.
How I perceive progress is slow.
I want to be way beyond this problem as the excitement and rewards will come from steps beyond this point.
I want to be ahead, yet I am still here, trying to get passed by this problem here.
I make mistake, try something, doesn’t work.
I retry something else.
Still doesn’t work
I feel frustration.
I focus to frustration.
I become frustrated, physically and emotionally.
I am feeling resistance against do the thing.
I define the thing to be difficult.
I feel tired, no excitement, no energy high
I find applicable justifications to avoid commitment towards continuing this.
I really have no enjoyment doing it anymore.

At this point it depends on the importance of the thing.

If it is unavoidable, I just try to suppress reactions, frustrations until the last point when I find myself just exerting something, such as walking away, feeling needing time away.

If it is avoidable, mostly as it is a self-defined task, then I just postpone it for better times.

This is a really simplified example of what is called Mind Construct within the Desteni I Process online courses.

So we really go into the details and at each step honestly looking at what happened within me, while in reality, what was my reaction, where it came from and how I could do better.

Within this example I wrote, the website installment(moving from another provider to the one I rent), the practical steps are really easy, but will take time and effort. I do not want to do that, I just want to do it, get it done. That mentality might work when the tasks is to diswash or dig a hole in the garden, but when it’s complicated, needs deep and specific understanding, then I have to stop that ‘get it done’ mentality from reaction.

A key point – from reaction – because with that frustration energy, I am being stimulated to do it – with the definition and judgement of a state where this frustration is not existing – almost like a vacuum pulling me towards it to reach.

Although I create my experiences, reactions and directions, decisions and eventually all my actions – with this pattern what I manifest is that I am not directing, literally not being direct, the director, but I react in my mind, judge situations as positive and negative, compare with ideal or desired situations and based on that I create emotions, such as excitement, frustration.

There are areas in my life wherein I am really efficient preventing of such mentality, for instance driving – it’s a really strong decision – how I drive, almost like going into a different personality, where I simply never do that reactional pattern. I love to drive, something that simple.
There are difficult situations still, not technically about driving, but when slow and monotonic traffic, dangerous other people, etc – but still – I should learn how I am doing that discipline so then I can apply it in other aspects of my life.

I forigve myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the frustration and not realizing I am focusing to the reaction to a problem instead of the problem itself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit and be honest with myself that I use frustration as energy source in my mind to feel the reaction, the inner movement, because in reality I am not moving, but standing at the same point and I am addicted to the reaction to movement, if it’s not real, then has to be self-created and within those moments not admitting, that I am not aligned with reality anymore, but still carrying on.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that frustration is a false ally and it’s energy is temporally and distractive, and extremely unfun, thus instead of falling into it, to see it as an indication point within my application that I need to slow down within and to see what practical plan I need to re-consider and apply here in this situation I am within – regardless of commitment, importance or interest – as it’s in front of me, if makes sense to do it or being supportive, I take responsibility and challenge.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity of physical body awareness to notice the signs of frustration and reaction, such as tension in my chest, shallow breathing, not allowing my body to be relaxed, disregarding body needs such as hydratation, fresh air, short breaks, a sigh.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if something is not going well, I do not need to force myself with the ‘just frikin do it’, but I can break it down, I can ask for assistance, I can postpone it with self-trust, yet not to use frustration to avoid as an excuse to abandon something, because whatever I do not finish, it’s in a way staying with me, as memory, as potential, as fact.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity of prioritization, wherein I focus to most important things to schedule for the day, and then doing them, yet still allowing to not to be exhausted with the honest asking – how much I can or want to do today and then doing so.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that I can feel automatic and monotonic for some hours, days, yet not considering to slow down within to see that there are thought-streams within me continuing to flow and as I am busy reacting, moving, I do not notice them, but once I slow down, stop, look inside – I can discover that oh crap, I used to have less backchat but now it’s on – and I should work with those patterns to disassemble and decompose, prevent and solve their origin issues.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I do not trust myself in the situations of frustration, maybe not even realizing, that I kind of trust myself by default, but at the same time I am returning to an automatic pattern for some reason of being uncertain, frustrated, unstable – and then I have to slow down and ask myself what is the real issue here.

For instance, with the website installment – now since 3 weeks it’s on me – there is no pressure, noone misses it, I hoped it would be easier to do, yet with one hour I could not solve it, so I decided to continue later, without specifying when, or giving myself a deadline, or a commitment.

So this is one point – I did not commit myself to do it – rather just ‘kind of would be nice’ – but with things more complicated than one or two actions, one has to plan, structure, organize and really take responsibility on.

So that’s what I am going to do.
Thanks for reading today, take care, enjoy breath.

As always, I can’t recommend enough Desteni I Process Online courses, (LITE is free), but there are a million other self-supporting blogs, sites online, such as, Journey to life blogs of a lot of people sharing their realizations, struggles, honesty and dishonesty.

Day 396 – Justifying Self-dishonesty

IMG_9044A point to expand with – already did once before – again now…looking at the point of not living up to my commitments to accumulate manifesting.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wallow within self-dishonesty when realizing the fact that I have ‘fallen’ into it, meaning justification and excuse to follow the past, the patterns what momentarily comfort me to avoid facing manifested consequences in reality.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the ‘falling’ as justification to define ‘I am now fallen, so I can do shit what I should not but at this point it does not matter as I am already in this fallen mode’ – and not realizing that it’s not binary, but this is how the self-deception through the mind can be self-abused – through the polarity, meanwhile reality is not black or white, there is accumulation of everything, thus the belief that ‘I have already fallen, thus I can do shit now’ is also self-deception, reality is not simply ‘remaining fallen’ – but falling further so to speak with manifesting consequences – and within all not realizing that the whole concept of fallen into self-dishonesty is just another trap of self-dishonesty and it’s not about how deep I am willing to fall, but how I accumulate not falling within consistency.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this self-dishonest self-definition pattern I apply every day within writing application, as ‘I did not write yesterday, so I should, but as I did not write yesterday either, and I could justify it, today it’s a bit easier to justify it again’ – and within that defining and feeling like I am a victim, meanwhile it’s myself – I am doing this to me directly, through my mind from which perceived as being done indirectly.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity to stand up in any given moment, as literally stopping the past is the only way, thus if I wait for more, for something, to ‘get fed up’ or ‘gather will, energy’ to stand up again – I am not moving directly, but through the mind, and thus it’s not self-movement, self-direction, self-trust, self-will I create, but conditioning, dis empowerment, hope and justifications – thus the only way is to decide, move and act – regardless of WHEN I have ‘committed’ self-dishonesty, last year, yesterday or just a moment before – I stand up here unconditionally.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that principle is not something I make it dependent to conditions – or if so, it is not principle, but it is compromise, which by I accept and allow to delude myself that I am actually living, meanwhile I am simply bouncing from one reaction to another within the consistent momentary belief of control and direction being played out automatically – yet in those moments honestly seeing that even from the deepest pit of self-compromise, it is always one step to LIVE absolute self-honesty, as it’s not about the amount of self-honesty, but the truly honest, right and practical step in any given moment to do.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to radicalize the concept, principle and action of self-honesty by defining that there is such absolute, brutal, radical self-honesty ‘out there’ which is tough, difficult and heroic so thus I have to gain energy to reach by participating in the idea and self-definition of such devotion towards it, meanwhile existing in a bubble in my mind for just the next seep of energetic mind addiction experience, instead of letting it all go, breathe and move myself directly, decompose all patters within me to the point of simplicity, consistency and common sense.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the reason I play with the idea of a special kind of self-honesty versus self-honesty is to be able to differentiate some moments, situations and conditions from some other moments, thus not realizing that this is the same as the self-dishonest pattern of spirituality, wherein declaring some moments to be more special than others based on my interest, idea of superiority based on conditions I am still holding onto in my mind as self-definition.
  • I see, realize and understand that the leap of faith here means to let go of definitions of measurement and judgement of self-honesty and trust myself – and within that to become transparent with myself of wherein I still rely to judgement, condition, comparison in relation to self-honesty, meaning in some kind of moments allowing ‘smaller’ self-dishonesty in order to spare energy, attention and willpower to focus to ‘bigger’ self-dishonesty points to prevent and in the meantime not realizing that my idea of ‘small’ and ‘big’ are biased based on self-dishonesty I am not aware of or not wanting to admit yet. Thus the solution is to specifically note the ones I obviously time-loop with and support regular writing and honestly answering to myself why.

Within this I see and realize that I have abused my self-trust in regarding to writing my blog, which is just a practical example of this pattern to work with here, because I said to myself: I write as much as I can in practical application without over-committing or forcing myself, but to write on any day whenever I obviously can by prioritizing my day – so I relied to this conditional pattern to trust, not myself. Because if I would trust myself, I would be able to assess reality in every single occasion/day: can I write today, shall I write today?
But what I did was ‘ah, there is no pressure today, lest postpone it’ – and then defined myself by that action I chose, and on the next day relying to that, not re-aligning myself back to the point of presence, practical common sense and self-honesty in the moment here.

Might be too complicated how I described it, but getting more clear as writing it here.

Key here is not to judge myself for what I already did, missed to do or manifested, yet honestly looking at it and learning from it.

I use my blog writing as it’s simple and something I committed to do and still committing to do, there is no forcing about it. It is something what ALWAYS makes sense within practical common sense to keep writing and sharing, whenever I can, regardless of my situation.

And what I also did not consider is that things happen in reality, I got extremely lot of overtime, work, company meets, travels and indeed those added the list of challenges to keep writing, yet none of those separated or altogether should prevent me to write at least 5-10 minutes a day.

So all in all, seeing this point required to continue to be checked and re-aligned and learn from any upcoming points from it.

Commitment: it is very supportive, because if I word my decision of what I want to do, live and act, then it will be obvious when I will do it – or not do it – thus I can directly see what I need to keep being aware of to live how I decide to live.

This is a self-creation point, kind of from nothingness, there is no one or nothing in this world really pushing me to do this, yet it is something I see as supportive thus deciding to do, thus whatever resistances, inner or outer I face when expressing it, it is my responsibility to solve.

  • I commit myself to not use already done, manifested, accepted and allowed self-dishonesty to justify another self-dishonesty again. Each moment is equally new opportunity to stand up and re-align within self-honesty. When and as I hear to, listen to any justification in my mind or outside of me, I see, realize and understand – it is self-dishonest and it is my direct responsibility to stand up in this moment, just as will be in the next one until the end of times.
  • When and as I try to justify not being honest to myself, I remind myself that I only manifest consequences, not good or bad, thus creating the reality I am going to exist within in either way, thus the common sense is to practically walk self-correction and let go of the self-definitions and justifications and focus to what’s real, here and physical.
  • When and as I see the justification of ‘being tired’ or ‘not having enough time’, I see that when focusing to ‘entertainment’ – I am less tired, thus indicating resistance by self-defining my commitment to be a ‘chore’, instead of owning commitments to be who I really am as equal as anything else of me in and as the physical.

What really can support is to walk the mind within structure with assistance. Desteni I Process LITE online course supports with that – it is free and there is a buddy(guide/support), who is experienced with the mind and it’s pitfalls. I really recommend it:

Mistakes: Windows of Opportunity – Back to Basics

Day 393 – Disruption of consistency and breathing back to reality

DSC_0245Let’s see a point of disruption within consistency

I notice a self-dishonesty ‘going down‘ – which means I am doing something which of am realizing that it’s not supporting, based on self-interest or delusion, yet I am not stopping, forgiving, re-aligning and changing that.

That disrupts the built up consistency and self-trust. In a way it even contains shame and regret. But it’s all self-manipulation, because I see the choices, I make one based on understanding the consequence, which I will judge myself about.

Within that experience, a resistance to movement will manifest. A sort of doubt, a petrification.
In a way it is a bubble of excuse to keep walking and moving and I know it will dissipate, but in a way I count on it and while this bad phases out, I do not move, push, expand and stand up but to distract, entertain and suppress myself.

This is a tough point, because relates to several self-dishonesty points I return to participate within from time to time and I do not really like that.

Various strategies I can apply towards this, the most recent is to not look back, don’t try to analize, deduct or decompose, just keep looking forward, not judge myself, but keep moving, trusting myself that eventually I will get through and over this.
In a way it’s alright, but at the same time it’s kind of a bullshit, because here is no balance of looking at the facts without judging and getting reactive to understand versus keep moving forward within self-trust.

So it is an unworded doubt I see. I do not word it, because then I would be ‘judging’ but it’s infiltrating me.

This relates to why I did not write yesterday. Let’s not misunderstand, it’s quite alright if I do not write for one day, when it’s a decision, clarity within self-honesty and acting that – but when it’s not decided, it’s like I am being triggered to do or not do something, that is a problem.

Not because I am a control-freak mind-power-junkie, but because I am aware of that there is doubt and behind it there was a choice wherein I deliberately chosen self-dishonesty to apply, even when I knew that I would regret it, because I do not really want that to do, but in the moment and of reactions, I fell into this energetic state.

Sigh. Let’s list up the points to see what would be practical approach

to list up these situations and draw the trigger point – automatic reaction – predictable action triangle to these points, so I can predict consequence within awareness without using the mind, thinking and thus automatically reacting. It’s like learning who I am today objectively. Almost like clinical observation – cause and effect. It’s quite a challenge, but that’s where Desteni I Process course, support and community helps immensely. The tools and lessons, principles and techniques really help me to slow down, ground myself and re-align.

Recently I started to apply breathing a bit more actively than before – it’s still not a natural skill, sometimes doing, sometimes forgetting – but getting to the ability to push myself into breathing and presence – out from the mind. Even if it means as a bit more heavier, intense breathing. Not quite, but at the moment explaining with – clearing my head with pushing in oxygen. Of course, not to hyper-ventillate(breath very intensely and quickly for a while), because that would probably get me psychedelic experiences, but to simply bring myself back here.
It’s something to experiment with.
I used to believe and define that I am more aware if I always breath more slowly, but the thing is – it’s really contextual.

It’s not about how I breathe, but who I am within that and am I present or lost in the mind thought-emotion-reaction maze for seconds, minutes…

Presence and self-trust, self-honesty and consistency is really something what can be broken and diminished with losing presence by falling into the mind-maze, even for a second. Accumulation of that substantiation should not be underestimated, just as the lack of it too.

Back to the first topic – it’s almost like manipulating myself to justify stop moving and trying to ‘create time’ for the positive experience I create by defining moving and expanding as difficult, thus somewhat negative.
in fact, when walking through the bullshit of my self-creation, it might seem as negative, but it’s just what is here and how I defined it, and it might as well be that it’s indeed that crap, who I accepted myself to exist as, and now just starting to face and it’s tough. That’s why I avoided to face and transcend myself in the first place.

So that’s a relevant point in process to prepare – my own bullshit will be stinky and should never be any excuse not to keep walking through it.

Many people stop walking their process of self-realization by defining it to be too hard, intense, difficult or even impossible, start justifying by injecting blame, projection or any other mind-component, and it’s obviously self-dishonest.

So walking self-forgiveness on these two relevant points now.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop moving, expanding, applying self-forgiveness, self-correction, self-commitment when I fall into a self-dishonest action by doubting myself, judging myself and feeling ashamed and projecting this self-judgement to my own process as being not good enough and not realizing that this very judgement is also self-dishonest and the practical common sense is to look at the point I fell with from presence and to apply self-forgiveness, understanding and to see how to support myself the BEST WAY POSSIBLE to prevent myself to do it again.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I do something what I see as self-dishonest, not stopping it and not standing up immediately to do all I can to prevent myself falling into justifying to chose to do it again, then I am setting myself up 100% to do it again, thus re-creating the point, the self-dishonesty and the reaction of stopping to move myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the practicality to push myself, move myself, direct myself to write down exactly the point I am facing and already knowing that I have tendency to fall into the temptation of doing it even when it’s obviously not supportive, and within that to acknowledge, there is a part of me what does not want to let this point go, does not want to change, and let go, because defining it as valuable, as myself, as feeling good and within that not realizing that it’s a mesmerizing short-term experience I try to bubble myself into, refugee myself away from the facts, reality and the responsibility waiting for me in each moments here equally.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I am holding onto within fear of loss is something literally holding me back instead of growing, expanding and birthing myself, thus it’s the best to word these fear of loss points and to see if it’s actually realistic fear or not.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose something because believing that if I would have to ‘be self-honest’ I could not enjoy myself, or I would have to refrain myself to enjoy something completely and within that not realizing that it’s not about what I do and how, but who I am within it and if something is absolutely abusive or harmful to do, then I am definitely in need to let that go and explore alternatives to express enjoyment.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the ‘guilty pleasure’ for instance falling into self-stimulation and entertainment, consuming high-sugar contained food is for a positive experience in the mind to balance out the already self-accepted negative experiences, and the practical common sense is to face and deal with those in the first place and to see if there is substance within judging myself or my reality as bad, negative and why is that and what would be the solution for that within common sense.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear of change in relation to enjoyment as it would be a transition phase from mind-stimulation to actual physical movement and expression and during that transition phase it’s not cool as walking through the consequences of self-abuse, but it is crucial to realize that this is the only way, through HERE.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disrupt my consistency of walking process when realizing that I am deliberately chosing a self-dishonest action due to the desire for indulgence to feel positive no matter what and within that not realizing that the positive experience is merely temporally and I will feel at least the same amount for negative once the stimulation stops, ending up feeling just as negative, thus longing for the next ‘positive experience fix’ within this time-loop until I really commit to stand up and change.

In regarding to this, the second point about breathing is to create and live in order to support slowing down within when the positive-negative mind-polarities would overwhelm with energetic experiences to the point of automatic actions.

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the greatest gift existing in this world to me, which is the ability to become aware and keep being aware of my breath here, thus giving up all the thoughts, feelings, emotions and reactions in the mind and stick to be constantly and consistently here, justified by the self-delusion that these things are to help and boost me, but in fact only sabotaging to walk through the shadow of me, the mirror of my beingness, the manifested consequences of my actions, the mind system, ruling me, owning and controlling me until I do not realize each and every bit of it’s details, causes and effects to be able to take responsibility to stick to true self-trust within each breath constantly.
  • When and as I am about to lose my presence, clarity and commitment to consistent action of self-honesty, I apply breathing, no matter what speed or intensity I decide, I trust myself, and I breathe, in and out, until my head is clear and empty and I can continue with expanding with self-trust.
  • When and as things seem to get complicated and I am being overwhelmed and tempted to start thinking, judging, comparing and self-defining, I breathe, in and out, here, feeling the body, presence, the physical, gravity and air and I consider what support and tool would be the best practical to apply, such as writing, communicating, planning or to do what action directly here.