Day 307 – Anxiety/excitement separation

img_9036An interesting point opened up – I was about to go to a place with someone and I had this experience of anxiety and excitement at the same time. It was not even certain if it’s positive or negative, I guess it was neither and both at the same time. However it was not direct and directed by me, and I could not really just say stop, so started to look at what’s this
A 2 minute video about the experience:

When I experience and live through my mind, it’s a separation, not I am directing, not I am creating, not I am actually experiencing directly, but I deal with everything through my mind’s ‘interface’.

It’s a typical system within the mind – my mind: certainly – two parts of the opposite polarities, conflicting about it within, making me look inside, not the actual cause, but the consequence, the reactions, the experience.

So as I am excited with anticipation and anxious with worry at the same time and I am still drained towards the event/experience – and by actually doing so, realizing that it’s not about the place, not about the person I go with, but with my own mind-setup and reactions being triggered.

Even pretending to not being aware what I am doing – certainly yes – denying, procrastinating, distracting – to say no at a situation and to say yes in another – while even having the slightest doubt – resulting with emerging emotions and feelings rendering me actual dumb, in the sense of all self-trust, confidence and integrity I can ruin in a second – within me – in relation to myself – and from that point I am exposed to all of my still unresolved self-dishonesty. Secret desire – which I did not even admit to myself yet? Denied resistance, what I should take responsibility for to embrace?

Important to realize that within the path to absolute self-honesty – any mistake might seem as absolute self-dishonesty – so it’s to discipline, re-align and not to judge myself.

But if I rely to not push to my utmost potentials, just because ‘I will not judge myself’ – that’s again undermining self-trust and self-direction – resulting to wallow into more self-dishonesty deliberately, until I will stand up.

So it’s not just to realize that I am one with this experience, or I am equal with it – but if I am not one and equal with and as ‘it’, which means being aware of if to it’s utmost specificity, being able to direct it as myself – then that means I am not one and equal with it, thus existing within self-separation. That’s then another starting point and perspective to start investigate from.

My current point of anxiety/excitement originates from secret desires and resistances not being honest to myself about and then both being triggered, I am creating this friction within, which, even if it’s not cool experience, I don’t stop.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have a tendency to create friction within my mind by reacting to different things with different polarity extremes, like being excited and anxious about it at the same time and not realizing that desire and resistance I face at the same time and thus accepting to remain within self-separation, conflict without being able to remain directive, inner silent and to apply practical common sense.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that my excitement is also a form of fear, anxiety, as based on judgments, imagination, desire, definitions, polarity and energetic experiences, and within that form of expression, I am not trusting myself to directly face, experience, live and be in this event, situation, but to create anticipation and preconditioning in my mind and then with that already create an experience, strong enough to be influenced by, stimulated with, even when the actual event/situation/experience is here, thus actually living in the past, not allowing myself to fully embrace the moment – due to a lack of self-trust, which I do not want to admit, face, forgive and stop for a reason I am also not admitting.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am not aware of the self-dishonesty, distracting, conflicting mind-experiences, points I face, and within that trying to prove to myself why I am not powerful, responsible, capable, actually: willing to be able to stop and change and within that not realizing that try – actually exposing myself that it’s self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that whenever anxiety and excitement kicks in – I am being moved by my past, my judgments, and if I do not become aware fully of all of it’s(my) patterns, I will participate again, thus re-creating the past, stop changing, expanding, living.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can apply common sense of whenever I experience excitement to the degree of overwhelming me, or an anxiety, which also overwhelms me, or I can’t just stop, even if it should be practical – so that means if I can’t stop, when I want to – that means I have a problem, a conflict, a point to open up, understand, forgive and become aware of how to really stop it and give myself a chance to face and live experiences/events/situations without any emotion/feeling but to live the words.

Not to focus or seek the experience of joy, but to express and live, share and be the word enjoyment.

Quite a difference.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I have the experience of excitement AND anxiety at the same time, I have conflict within me which I do not understand, or never really looked to fully understand, and thus it’s influencing me the way which is not supporting me to be present, directive, to live words without positive or negative connotations.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that whenever I am excited to the point of overwhelming and when seeing within me that there is subject and object, it means am not directly living the word excitement, but through my mind, based on polarity, definitions, separation, thus it’s not the possibly fullest potential of me.

I forgive myself that I have not understood why it’s my fullest potential to experience, live and be without my mind’s definitions, reactions, polarity and believing that emotions and feelings are key to feel, and express myself, meanwhile those are actually limited consequences of my self-defined mind-experiences, based on another experiences I had before.

When and as I experience overwhelming excitement and/or anxiety – I slow down – I breathe, I let everything go and to see if I can stop it, as myself, as equal as one – breathe in, stop, breathe out – continue stopping, not going anywhere in my mind, but be present, stopping, being here.

When and as I can’t stop an anxiety/excitement within myself, I start to apply self-forgiveness written/and-or aloud, to find out what’s I am still separated from within my current awareness, which thus I cannot embrace, become equal and one to be able to stop – and within that finding, also understanding why it happened, how.

When and as I experience resistance/denial/excuse why not to explore to the utmost specificity an anxiety, an excitement, I realize that it’s fear – which as I give into will grow, while my self-trust reduces, thus I have to make a stand and push through the resistance – and if it’s not doable, then focus to the resistance itself, word it, work with it, until it’s walkable through, then continue to work with the excitement/anxiety.

Stopping the mind is not a new thing – this concept exists quite some time – eastern and western cultures, education, documents, scriptures often mention it, but it should not be tainted with anything of belief.
It should be practical common sense, no magic, no rituals, no belief whatsoever.

The human mind consciousness is not magic and it seems to be beyond human comprehension, it’s because of self-dishonesty. That should be re-mediated first and then the door will be open real understanding without being biased with our own personal agenda and past.

Day 304 – Resistance to Expansion

img_1003Investigating my resistances and limitations in relation to live the word Expansion.

Expanding, expressing, exploring, experiencing.
It’s about self-movement, self-direction. If I do not trust myself unconditionally, I stop expanding or rather not even starting it.

What reasons and justifications, or excuses I can come up in regarding to not expand?

Depends on the topic, the relationship, the interest, the definition I already have and keep having.

My first point coming up in relation to expansion is social, human relationship. That is where I always had the resistance, because of my doubt, uncertainty and fear of not being good enough, not being accepted, making mistakes, being judged and manifesting irreversible – bad – consequences. Bad here meaning something I also would not like to have to myself.

I explore what opens up with Self-forgiveness about this.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have resistance in relation to expansion, because of fear of not being good enough, fear of loss, fear of making mistakes, causing irreversible consequences, fear of being judged and not realizing that all of these fears although I perceive as they are in relation to others, in fact all exist primarily within me, primarily meaning that maybe can exist within somebody else’s mind too, but from what I resist expanding is because of my own thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that what somebody thinks or feels of me is not my responsibility, and if I start to define and form my opinion and experience of myself according to others, then I expose myself to the fact that I do not trust myself and I do not honor myself but only trust what others think of me and within that not considering why I would do that and also not considering why it’s not common sense to do that way.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I do not trust myself in relation to something, I should specify exactly what is the topic, the subject of my doubt, to be able be aware of my limitation and to see if that is practical or not.

I forgive myself that I have not realized what should be priority to trust within myself, such as decision making and prioritizing within my life, within that to consider facts when making decisions and also not only be interested about myself but other participants of my reality around here, because if someone is around me, I also would like them to consider me too within their decisions what might influence me.

I forgive myself that I have not realized what exactly means that I do not trust myself and within that to see the extent of my doubt and within that to understand specifically what impact I have because of that and within that to realize if there is any limitation I create with this specific lack of trust.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have no trust within myself in relation to make a decision about who to consider as partner for relationship and mutual self-support and expansion and within that not to decide to investigate further this lack of trust but rather then accept limiting myself to expand towards partnership and relationship.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have limited my social expansion as getting to know new people and make first contact with certain type of people, certain individuals based on my interests and plans, curiosity and within that not realizing the reason and justification for not expanding, even with the realization and awareness of I’d enjoy to do that, yet accepting myself not to move, yet not to ask myself why not.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the extent of self-limitation resulted from fear from rejection, fear from judgement and fear from not being good enough is much greater than the very chance of these to happen, and thus I am not even giving the chance not to ‘fail’, but within not even taking the opportunity to expand I ‘fail’ by default in terms of manifesting the fear I accept to have and wanting to avoid.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the fear of rejection by others is the fear of self-judgement projected out to others so then I would not have to take responsibility for what I am participating within my own mind, but thus then I can blame, expect and hope not to be rejected and within those I give permission to my mind to render me powerless, because not looking at practical ways to stop fearing from rejection, or even to look beyond this fear and to actually see why I need other’s feedback to make me move or even to see that what is the reason of trusting others judgement more than trusting myself.

I forgive myself that I have not admitted and acknowledged, seen and realized, fully understood that within creating specific limitations of my expansion I’ve defined the word of expansion according to these limitations, thus created a system within myself wherein even when I perceive that I am not limited, I actually am, but simply not even considering, trying, moving beyond those limitations, thus perceiving not being limited by literally identifying myself with these limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with self-limitations to the extent that not being able to directly see these limitations within myself, the origin and source of these within and as myself, thus in order to really become aware, I have to investigate, open up, cross-reference and identify the existing word-relationships within myself to assist and support myself to stop participate within these limitations.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that even if I experience fear from being judged, not being enough, rejected, failure in relation to others – that is always about my relationship with myself and thus there is a direct solution to walk through these relationships and decomposing and forgiving myself for accepting and allowing to not just remain limited, but actively re-creating these limitations by the same or same type of thoughts, feelings, emotions to be triggered, reacted to and associated with, remembered to.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can expose my fear of being judged, or rejected by simply deciding to go towards a direction, to do something and within that decision to take the risk or possibility to be rejected and not to expect any outcome, but embrace whatever will happen and trust myself meanwhile whenever the reaction of fear, doubt, uncertainty would arise – to forgive myself, re-align myself and direct myself to remain present and directive.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense within becoming aware of the trigger points of where and why I start to go into doubt, fear of rejection and failure and within those trigger points/events/circumstances/situations/persons/conditions, whenever I encounter, already be aware of the tendency to react that way and to stop the cycle and give for myself a chance to not react the same way and to explore what can actually happen beyond this fear and thus practically walking through the resistance.

I commit myself to become aware of all trigger points of potentially doubtful and fearful from rejection points/events/circumstances/situations/persons/conditions and to decide not to participate, one by one of these and altogether and make a stand and trust myself that even if I would be rejected, or even if I would lose something, I am still here and who I am as life is not about that event and by accumulating this walk I live trust and gift myself with the ability to expand.

Check out EQAFE for awesome self-support in relation to self-honest and practical change

Day 303 – Resistance to writing and knowing self

img_0950I communicate with quite some people who starts to grasp the self-support and practical value for writing within self-honesty for accumulate more understanding of problems and possible solutions.

It’s quite common to face a resistance to writing. Thought-based, emotion-based or even physical symptoms-based.

When I started this blog about 8 years ago, I also had similar experiences, thus I’d like to share some points what one should consider when ALREADY realized the value, support and common sense within writing within self-honesty.

If I’d want to describe it as something cool – it’s like when in the Matrix movie they see those flowing digits and they can see the systems. Of course that’s a bit more theatrical than it is in reality, but it does not matter, what’s relevant is the similarity within understanding and realization.

To ‘see the systems’ starts with self here – to see the systems I consist of.

One can easily give into blame, projection, or even hope instead of take direction to solve problems – regardless of the nature of that problem. Let’s say someone is addicted to alcohol/drug/smoking/masturbation/gambling/sex/greed/self-harm. Or someone is so introvert that developed some social phobia and inability to exist normally among others. It’s a symptom system and behind it there is an origin story, a pre-conditioning what got out of hand and grew on the person to the degree of the addiction/phobia living on it’s own and taking over the person as there is self-identification as ‘I am addiction’ or ‘I am an introvert’ with or without of without acknowledging it.

My father was alcoholic, however he never acknowledged it, thus he then could not conceive the idea of getting support or do something with it, so eventually it took him completely. Well, in terms of showing an example – he supported me with also showing the consequence of it, thus to see, it’s not a cool idea.

Writing can be support within accepting facts, how and who I am here today – without judgement of negative or positive – objectively. Self-first. Cross-referencing reality events with what I perceive to see that my perception is real or not. Am I honest with myself by seeing things as they are or I automatically shift my perception from what is here towards what I want to see for some reason. That reason to be found within writing means to open up, to express myself completely, word by word and eventually it will ‘come out’, meaning I will get to the point of revealing. If I direct myself towards to find that point. If I can walk through my resistances, what exist within me – if there would not be any, I might just be aware of everything of me already.

Whenever I face something big dishonesty within me, there can be resistance to recognize, to fully understand, to face it, to bring up the experiences, probably because it’s unpleasant. Maybe, because it makes me to react with strong negative emotions, what within I get overwhelmed by or maybe, because I would feel shame for what I did and could not forgive myself – or to be angry for somebody else and can’t forgive for him – which actually means I carry this emotional burden what I would be more free of if I could let go.

To let go emotional reaction towards someone else, to let’s say: forgiving him: it does not mean that I close my eyes to what the person did – if really was responsible – but I should not get worked up, especially not automatically. It also can be a clean understanding on what would be the best practical way to stand in regarding to that person in reflection of past events. Actually the same with myself.

Even if I was addicted, had a phobia, even if I still am – I should not be angry at myself. Anger is energy, coming from not changing, not being able to change – that’s effort, which could be used to focus for better understanding and exploring possible solutions.

If I have inner resistance to do something and I am not entirely and specifically aware of all factors at play within my mind, that means I try to hide from something, I try to look away, try to not go into that, because of a resonant fear. That resistance accumulates and I end up being limited with it and even justifying it to calm myself with that “This is okay, acceptable”. But it is not.

To open up this can of hornets might bring also out reactions, when facing a long time suppressed fear or anger, but when I recognize that if I do not cut up this not-healing wound to clean up properly, it might never heal and I will always remain handicapped. Truth hurts. Not always, not necessarily, but sometimes do, and then to realize, it’s the already manifested consequences I start to feel, what I was hiding myself from until now and maybe more practical a little uncomfortability than many years of self-limited sorrow.

Now, when I see a point within me, I sit down and write about it – no need to dance around, no one-two pages diary-style long story first, then being able to get to the ‘real deal’ but with practice, becomes more direct – I look into me and if I see a point, I start writing about it. It’s a skill and as all other skills, it develops with lot’s of practice by actually doing it.

I think public schools should give much more opportunity for the students to write. To have effective writing skills, to have the ability to explore what’s inside our minds with common sense.
Although this has not yet been done, so we have to recognize the opportunity here and actually do it.

I am grateful that I write since some years, encouraged by Desteni community and I always want to write more, and that’s my personal reflection on this that why don’t I write more if I want, what is the reason accepting myself not writing as much as it would be supportive? So then I reflect back – consistency is a key here: when I would go into emotional storms – beforehand to decide to sit down and go through the points and remain stable, calm, clean to be able to make the best decisions.

During emotional storms often it’s really difficult to even decide something else than acting out those compound energetic rushes, thus best cure is prevention. To recognize the pattern before participating – so then I have to understand how this pattern works, what is the trigger point and stop the domino before it goes to a complete fall.

It’s also recommended to start slowly and little by little to get to the pace which is doable for you without laying back.
There is an online course, which is free, what goes through an introduction of how to assist and support with daily writing, it’s called Desteni I Process Lite. There are lessons, also little assignments, what real persons, who walk this process themselves since a while, will read and reflect back with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into inner resistances to get to know myself, to understand myself to the specifics, to be able to make better decisions, to support myself more and within that experience, not question the nature, the reason and the trigger points of such resistance.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within my mind there are lots of definitions, word-relationships create a certain personality design what I might not be aware of to the utmost specificity, and within that, to trust my personality, my reasoning, my reactions, my desires and fears without recognizing the possibility that I am wrong, I am not honest with myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense within walk a process to become honest with myself to understand myself more and to take responsibility for any self-dishonesty I reveal by to understand how I’ve created, still participate within and also how to be able and actually how I am going to stop it to the point of being able to do it actually and change.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that any addiction, phobia, fear, overwhelming desire can be investigated, decomposed and to see if it’s really supporting me and if not to be able to stop it with consistent application of self-honesty through writing and opening up, understanding the words, my relationship to the words and also by re-defining the words to support myself directly and within self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that pushing myself through resistances to become intimate and honest with myself is something I can learn by actually doing it and if a resistance persist, I also can decompose that resistance to the point of ‘pulling out it’s teeth’ and to understand that certain resistance is also self-made, brick by brick, and the same way I can dissolve it and continue with the process of self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that what I persist resists, thus to give into any resistance only means that it will become more solid the next time until eventually I make my decision and stand, commitment and movement to walk through it and to see the gift waiting hidden behind that wall within myself.

Day 302 – Leap of Unknown

img_0944Patterns everywhere.

Even when I open the text editor to type, I’ve had this drive from within, which I stopped from with a breath and inner silence.

Today I’ve watched Joao’s video on Why not to trust Motivation and indeed – it’s separation, conditional, which begins and ends and I am left without motivation, and then I do not move or the subject of my motivation changes and then I do different than I’ve decided, I’ve committed to do.

Commitment. Such a serious word. I resisted it for so many years – substantiation, dedication, discipline – I discovered these within me more than a decade ago but I left these behind me for a while as the core of my motivation was not consistent, thus discipline rather seemed like a meditation, a sort of virtualization period, within which effectiveness was pre-determined, however the whole pattern was untrustworthy, because I could not trust myself, because I decided to remain within the area of my mind’s patterns, thus whenever my so called ‘motivation’ or ‘discipline’ was at the edge of my knowledge and information system, I became uncertain, doubtful and eventually stopped moving as my motivation was self-sabotaged by the thoughts/feelings/emotions. Such a shame. So much potential. Yet to step beyond the known is the most dangerous and risking thing one can imagine. That’s actually describes it as actually I only can imagine what is known – therefore when I resist or hesitate facing the unknown – I am rather deluded by the already known. Interesting.

Currently facing great opportunities what I am going to take and sometimes it’s unknown-ness is kind of resonantly uncertain and it’s vision is unclear, shaky. That’s alright. I do remind myself that any reaction to unknown is completely irrelevant by what I do not yet know, but rather a pattern of what I learned, which does not support me.

The known patterns, what limit me to explore the unknown I act out automatically – to not know these patterns does not solve this, because if I forget, how can I be sure that I will not end up as the same?

Many people often wish to forget, to unsee things, but that sounds like ignorance – ignoring glance – it’s not solution. Especially to not be aware of a pattern what still influences, directs me – sounds horrible actually.

Instead of for-get, I for-give myself the understanding and chance to know the pattern but not become it. I give a chance for change. Such an interesting word-construct.
Instead of obstacle, knowledge can become practical change if I give for myself the opportunity to stop participating in the resistance to unknown and to look at it with as it is:

As I direct myself to unknown territory, it becomes known, but I do not limit myself with that knowledge, rather to realize that any knowledge I am limited by is an other point of resistance of facing the still unknown, thus completely against common sense to be stopped by any fear of unknown, because what only can occur is that all my knowledge what I allow me to limited by gets invalidated.

So in short, fear and resistance only can be dissolved by facing the unknown, which is again – completely irrelevant within my already existing relationship with fear.

In this context, I actually fear from what I know, yet I do not yet know specifically how. Interesting.

So easy to get lost within the mind consciousness, just give them ‘freedom’ and ‘choice’ and it’s complete oblivion.

In conclusion my current unknown is risking, which, if I really look all factors around my situation, with common sense I see much more risk to not take these risks I resist by giving into the fear of known to be used not to face the unknown. Weird. Might too complicated, or might not explained well, or even might I am not even fully aware of this, but it’s getting more clear.

In terms of my process, it’s more risky to not move than actually move, because I already know what happens when I do not move, express and expand: I remain limited, exposed to what I know, and also to the fact and it’s consequence of what I do not yet know, but I should.

If I really look at my so called, self-defined ‘risks’ – these are not life-threatening risks, like coming out from cover and run in front of sniper fire, but rather medium-size financial investments, what might limit my mid-term financial options, and I have a lot of memory and reaction to being limited financially, which seems like a good thing to absolutely avoid, but on the other hand, if I do not expand, I might remain just the way I currently am and that seem much more limiting actually.

Well, the whole money thing is completely tainted with these kind of decisions – almost everyone has quite limited amount of money, so it’s really not much to what one can afford, thus to really examine where to spend my coins is al-right, but also important to see the greater picture and to ensure that there is no memory-based, emotional-energetic resistance what influences my knowing, understanding and decision-making.

I used to self-convince myself with higher-price investments, meaning for a while weaving my mind around it, generating reactions, convictions, positive affirmations, reasons and justifications, and often that supported me, this time I try something new – no reaction, no energy, no thoughts, no positive feelings, no negative emotions allowed to make this leap into the unknown.

I deliberately omit to use the word ‘faith’ – as mostly everyone knows this phrase of ‘leap of faith’ – this time it is not about faith – in me or within any tool or process. This time I recognize the pattern of resisting to step into the unknown. Eventually everyone will realize that anything unknown is also self, just not yet known. Thus to be afraid from myself seems highly illogical and the only way to get to really know myself is to face the unknown.

It is also certain that any aspect, part of me fearing from unknown then reveals itself, as known – thus I actually know what is the problem. Fearing from not having money? Fearing of losing value, time, effort? Fearing making bad decision, fearing from mistake, a failure? Then if that’s obvious, I should ensure not to make mistake if I can, but if I do – I might just discovered something yet unknown, thus I get to know myself better for the next breath to live.

Actually – if I do not trust myself any time, that means within that moment I trust something else, specifically that pattern what I rather trust, which tells me not to trust myself, but that pattern, but then I have to realize – I lost ground, because if I do not trust myself, how can I be sure that I can trust in that doubt? It’s crazy, I know – and I am certain that people can get into psychiatry if they spend too much time in these kinds of mind-limbos, because it’s terrifying to just live in such an oblivion, wherein I can’t trust myself, but neither within my doubt, so then I am nothing. I’ve been there, done that, it’s totally uncool.

What assisted and supported me is the breath – presence – take a big sigh and in this moment what’s here is real – the physical sensation can lead me back here to earth – my body is the closest to real that I will ever have, thus it’s common sense to align with it, to observe it, to feel with it, to become it.

Go to a bodywork workshop, where it’s kind of a group-therapy to be in the body without words, thinking, defining or reacting – just be here and embrace. Then express, explore and investigate where doubt, resistance fear comes from and although go into it, but do not lose the body-presence-awareness – and only go into the understanding, when it’s clear within, no storms, emotions, thoughts as those will generate energy, what then will make one react, trigger patterns, what eventually will tell you not to face the unknown, which is also you. Enjoy.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that whenever I resist unknown is actually the result of my accepted relationship with what I already know, thus that I should re-evaluate, question, understand if I still give into the resistance to explore, expand and live without self-limitation.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that any time I resist to understand, know, become aware of something, it’s something within me currently creating that experience of resistance, what I do not yet know, even when I think I know what is the reason, that’s a justification and it’s time to open up and understand what I really fear, such as to lose a knowledge pattern I believed to be true, because then what to rely to and within that to realize that I do not trust myself and wanting to trust within constructs, patterns, relationships, knowledge, belief, separate from me.

I forgive myself that I have not realized/understood/seen the common sense solution to decompose all pattern I consist of, such as word relationships, associations, memories, personality definitions, emotions, feelings, thoughts to be able to free myself from self-limitations and to know what I do not yet know, but still using as an excuse to not expand, move, express.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that fearing the unknown is fearing myself, and I can stop it if I get to know myself and whenever seems supportive, stop a pattern and to explore, what is beyond the known.

I commit myself to stop resisting to explore and expand into the unknown and whenever stopping moving, I decompose the patterns within me and for give myself for accepting and allowing such self-limitation and find/prepare and live practical change breath by breath within and as my human physical body as stability, consistency and presence within my utmost responsibility.

Day 299 From Movies to Transcend Consciousness

img_0679Recently watched some great movies and reflecting back to the systematic nature of Consciousness and how is possible to understand how the human mind works in order to assist and support ourselves with practical change.

First watched the In the Mouth of Madness (1994), then The Manchurian candidate(2004).

Different type, genre and style – yet for me shown the same aspect about human consciousness. I’d suggest to watch both, although the first one is rather a comedy/gory horror/philosophical train ride, the second is a slower, more like peeling off, investigative, conspiracy-related story line, but within both movie, the protagonists recognize that they have been used as a tool within somebody else’s plan who was altering their mind consciousness, utterly and brutally. No more spoilers.

How to create/alter/re-write history/reality/future and how consciousness is actually operating as a system?
Or shall I rephrase to say consciousness is an operating system for the human? Although it’s quite mesmerizing and has deep-ends, it certainly is limited bluntly and when one is awakening, rather painfully, but it is only then to be realized how limited it is;  not just when one is talking smart, streetwise or rephrasing the spiritual mumbo-lingo, but to walk it into and as the physical as the living flesh.

Or all these zombie movies with the walking and re-animated dead…or all those cheesy vampire stories, wherein they are even the good guys, the ones to find as desirable, hot – I mean in this system Everything is a Symbol.
The question is am I asking questions? Am I answering too?

It’s all related to the human mind’s condition, which is within it’s programmability. That’s why we are susceptible to ‘mind control’ and ‘brainwashing’, ‘culture’ and ‘imprinting’, just pick any desire from ‘deep within’ and go out there and try to attain it – or to sneak around our un-worded, background-lurking secret fears what we cannot comprehend, face or even acknowledge.

Human nature is nothing but long and consistent accumulation of pre-conditioning, ‘guided meditation’, ‘group trance’, and a lot of powerlessness, thus spiced up with a lot of survival instinct and fear.

If I look at poor family’s children, their lack of vocabulary, the underdeveloped writing and communication skills in fact determine their actual possibilities to venture in the world system and become so to speak ‘successful’, meaning not becoming grinded into survival and fight for material or even spiritual goals, such as house, car, travel; or overcoming anxiety, shame, phobias and to find inner balance, stability and trust and to live beyond survival and self-interest to actually being able to give back real value to the system.

There are few, who get more rich or find peace emerging from the poor, but it is rare, almost random and one might just say it’s neo-darwinism, as now it’s not about who can kill more and faster, but who can adapt faster and easier into a system of deception, layers of superimposed facades and glimpses of what life could be without compromises, but beyond each of consciousness character, there is vast and lacking emptiness, which to fill, consciousness itself has just a handful, yet powerful tricks and tips at it’s – and thus our – disposal: belief, blame, greed, fear of loss.

Most of the people who claim themselves to be in the ‘awakening state’ praise, eulogize and celebrate consciousness, although it’s quite a cheap trick and it’s nothing more but an elaborate con. Science will show us soon when will starts to pump out more and more ‘environment-and self-aware’ Artificial Intelligence units, such as robots, interfaces, whole systems, what eventually will be designing their own next generation with their superior mathematical and virtualization power and they will analyze, reproduce and evolve how we are built and then everyone will see that consciousness is certainly NOT Life.

It tries to imitate it as close as possible, and definitely can fool the not yet life-aware individual manifestations and expressions of One Life ‘itself’, but to trust in consciousness is really the worst advocate a human can find, because it’s nature is CON itself, therefore it only reflects back our lack of self-trust, self-knowledge, self-honoring and the very experience of being separated from our own life-source as awareness of all what is here in and as existence. Consciousness cannot exist without relationships, and the very points of relationship is which through we are defined, owned, limited. It’s a system.

I used to wonder what movies I really-really like, and just now I realized that the ones what can glimpse up a little more of how consciousness works, it almost ‘feels like’ itself is trying to show us what we are accepting and allowing to be enslaved by.

But only those who really look can see.

The saying of ‘Nothing is what it seems.‘ – or to remain in the ‘movie‘ style – ‘The owls aren’t what they seem.‘.

How to walk through the maze of consciousness and what are those building blocks of it?

I tell a little back story of mine, from where I started to question my own existence…

When I finished university, I was lucky to have a psychologist partner, who was quite open to not only mainstream psychological models and views, but also to more ‘fringe at that time’ ones, such as works of Carl Jung and Andras Feldmar – these two have influenced me to start on my own journey to discover what is beyond my personality, which was extremely frustrating and limited, when I was about 20 years old.

Jung talked about the layers of the human mind, such as unconscious, subconscious, conscious minds and how we are only aware of the conscious mind, yet the other two also influence, direct us, much-much more than we want to acknowledge and understand, and I had an openness to this view since quite early of my own awakening process, often I felt myself to be quite instinct-based being, who had many times experienced life like an animal. It’s a weird comparison, but often I felt myself like that, I was raw and wild within, yet I was able to suppress it, so I could act the nice guy to comply my fear of rejection and failure, but within how I experienced was that beyond my conscious mind, there was some more primal and direct force what was basically pulling the strings within my life and I had no idea how and why.

Feldmar talked about mind-altering substances with which one can have a specific experience of mind-death, from which one can release all what to humans holding onto, such as all kinds of fears, desires, struggles, definitions as in the perception of death, one kind of gives up all, because it’s a total release/explosion/melting down experience and with that he suggested that one can start to investigate what’s beyond the conscious mind who we perceive ourselves to be.

I became quite obsessed with studying the mind according to things currently available at libraries, slowly but surely moving towards eastern and older-culture-based views, practices, in order to explore the whole spectrum of humanity’s available knowledge and information to be able to have deeper understanding and preferably also to find reasons and purpose for my existence. I even tried to find gurus and masters to tell me what to do but that usually did not work, especially when I considered that until I can’t rely to myself – I am still vulnerable to external control, limitation, and I had to ensure that there is a starting point from which I can take my life to my own hands, not to be dependent.

As I was peeling off the layers of my culture, the morality, the inhibition and suppression, I had to realize that there is nothing within me, what cannot be decomposed, understood and released within my perception of who I am or why I do what I do. The constant quest I was on was: WHY? This very thing can help to tumble down to the rabbit hole totally – there is no need any meditation, substance or any altered state – but the decision and application of self-honesty.

I am also going to give an example of how to walk through a pattern within the mind with simply questioning and answering. Many people claim that they need special knowledge, empowerment, mind-altering substance, years of eastern mysticism or shamanic/religious/trance rituals to perform in order to know, be empowered with or understand a more, deeper level of how reality actually works.

That’s not true, actually it’s quite the opposite – the more someone indulges into these kind of agendas, the merrier these will influence and alter the person’s perception and even the starting point and it’s tricky, because most of them contain some relevance to facts, but only partially – and I have made the mistake of wanting to gather the ‘truth’ from all of them to put together – it’s too tedious, exhausting and quite unnecessary to do so. Not even mentioning that when I recognize my flawed/self-dishonest acceptance of myself – how could I trust myself to recognize what’s relevant/good within what? First I have to purify and decompose to have to ensure the purity and effectiveness of letting go patterns of self-limitations.

To transcend, we do not need any technology/religion/spirituality – only self-honesty and to be able to question + answer and forgive for ourselves our accepted mistakes, meaning not to regret, but to understand the consequences, to recognize the tendency before participating, preventing and giving space and time to something new and also the commitment to stop those mistakes, fears, delusions and finding practical ways to actually become that forgiveness, that commitment, that living action. It’s as simple as 1+1=2.

Forgiveness is not just to turn a blind eye on something bad/unjust/selfish/evil – it does not make any sense if it’s not really lived into action – that’s why forgiving to others does not make much sense either if the person does not change – they have to forgive for themselves. The same way with my own self-dishonesty – fear is self-dishonesty. Self-interest is self-dishonesty, because it’s also based on fear of loss, although it does not mean to sacrifice myself with no reason. Self-honesty is also practical common sense…

img_6035So for a relevant point for myself today:
I don’t feel like continuing with my video making.
I feel like it’s a waste of time.
I think it’s not going to be that good that I would define as worthy.
I think I imagined perfectly, but turns out that it will be mediocre.
Because I’ve defined this, because of this and that, to be mediocre.
Because I’ve used previously seen artworks, movies, I’ve seen in TV, VHS, Cinemas.
Because I’ve defined that is quality and that I wanted to be able to create.
Because I want to become successful and respected.

Because I have to prove to myself and the world that I am good enough.
Because I grew up with the fear that I am not good enough.
Because I have experienced falls and failures during my childhood what felt horrible and could not let it go.
Because I’ve created a system within me what charges energy when feeling bad, shit, horrible and that fuels a motivation to become better.
Because I do not want to fail again, it’s so horrible, I have to work hard to avoid it.
Because I experience negative things and I become influenced by negative things, the way I do not like it.
Because I start defining myself according to what and how I experience.
Because I identified myself with what I experience in my mind according to what I define and judge automatically.
Because I have this separation in my mind which through I can polarize as positive or negative based on my interest in regarding to all my judgments and memories.
Because this way I can apparently use the past to not make the mistakes again in the future.
Because I fear from making mistakes, thus rather not even move to avoid it at all costs.
Because I fear that I can’t change and expand, thus I have to avoid specific experiences/conditions/situations to keep my mind-state to not be faced with the inability to change.
Because then I become frustrated and by I focus to the frustration and not even looking it’s source anymore, so basically become distracted by the reaction and not seeing the point.
Because then I do not see the problem directly, thus not even being capable of solving it, thus I can remain ‘hiding’ behind false resistances.
Because I have experiences and memories when tried to push through resistances and I given up.
Because I started to lose the stability of what I’ve defined as my mind, and without that I was becoming more uncertain.
Because I did not give direction to myself, thus I was exposed to random things and I felt myself being unstable, and not realized that what I experience as polarity system of stability/instability – is not me, but my mind system, and then as I identified myself with it, I started to protect it by justifications and excuses, why I give up freedom from conditioning.
Because then I do not have to be aware of the exact point I justify being resisted to, I still can be ignorant.
Because I fear from unknown, because then I will not have any judgment, memory, polarity, definition, rule, idea to help me to face it, I would be totally vulnerable, naked and that is scary.
Because I could lose myself, I could lose things I hold onto.
Because I do not know what will happen and I fear from that.
Because within facing the unknown, I would face with myself and that scares me.
Because I do not want to face and experience and know myself without any extra layer.
Because I fear from realizing who I am here, what I have became, what I would experience or do.
Because I do not trust myself.
And this can be continued – see – there is no need to pray for gods for years, to say mantras for months, to dance in trance for a day, to take psychedelic drugs for hours to go deeper into my mind, to find understanding, reality itself. I mean, one can do these for fun or exploration, but for self-realization, self-support, self-growth, self-liberation, certainly not.

Although personally I’ve made the decision to not continue with those, once found self-honest writing and self-forgiveness this powerful for real change – as it’s very direct: I only have to honestly question and answer to myself. No gurus, teachings, imaginary friends, other worlds relevant – there could be cool stories about what might have been, but what’s relevant is what is here in my current here and present moment. Always. Sometimes I still dance to trance music, but just for self-expression, no expectation, no drugs, no alcohol, but physical presence. But even in relation to that I had to walk through a decomposition phase and let go all the concepts in my mind what stood in the way of being really present on the dance floor. Why I want to intensify? Why I want to ‘get through’, Why exactly is not good currently? What do I experience? How it’s being triggered? What do I resist? What do I fear?

That’s why kids also ask ‘Why?‘ – and we get fed up and stop answering – and maybe at the exact same point where our resistances/fears stopped us to explore further. Of course one parent can say: ‘just being annoyed and don’t have time for this/feeling tired/busy‘ – but if really that is the case, one should reconsider and start using the opportunity to walk this process with the child to ask and answer – this way also teaching by example…

That is challenging, and at points you might experience resistance towards asking the right and direct questions, especially wherein already have been some ‘unsuccessful’ imprinting within the past.
Resistance might come up as an idea of ‘oh, I have to do this or that’ – and jumping away, like a distraction – remember, we’ve been mastering our ability to have excuse to remain limited and fearful, powerless and doubtful to the point of never really being absolutely honest with ourselves. That’s about to change.

Write down the question to not forget and focus to the resistance, name it, word it’s physical experience too and it’s already being tamed, as I write, type the characters, write with the pen, forming the letters – my mind slows down, I focus to the physical expression of writing, and I see one point at a time – this way I can really see the things coming up within me. And as I word the experiences, I can dig further, start investigating. When a resistance dissolves, I can continue with the point I started to walk through.

Why I resist understanding why I keep becoming shy and suppressing, worrisome and awkward near to women who I feel attraction towards?

img_5642I fear that if I make a mistake or do stupid things, the person who I am attracted to might judge me as unworthy of wanting to continue to be with, to spend time with, etc.
Why I fear that?
Because I feel like I have something to lose and it depends on my actions and I remember how I screwed up similar situation in the past.
Because I do not trust myself who I am without ‘behaving the way I think she would be attracted to me’
I trust within personality patterns, tactics, not myself, because my memory tells me that I was a loser
Because I made mistake and I’ve defined myself according to that mistake. Then I trust that condition and situation as to be remembered to avoid next accident.

Okay, this is just an example, but see – this also can be looked at as a skill – which then can be learned, and it’s essential to real understanding.

Here Self-forgiveness can give a new perspective – not just with understanding, but already taking responsibility within realizing how this was not self-honest – and thus expressing my decision to stop this pattern, start changing myself as realizing I can do it. Or if not, then I ask and answer more. Until it’s clear, here.

For instance I apply:

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized why exactly I do not trust myself in all ways, situations, conditions and never considered to decide to understand and thus being able to discover what to do in order to trust myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within participating the fear of failure, I’ve focused to the emotional reaction of that fear, instead of the actual subject of my fear, which is to not make the video or make it but not being the level of quality I want to do.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that without making it, even allowing to make mistakes, I do not fear, I do not expand, I do not understand, thus realizing making mistake is part of the process, and within that I forgive myself that I have identified myself with the experience, the reaction to making mistake, and thus defining myself with and as the mistake, and thus wanting to avoid it and within that, not moving, not expanding, not living.

See – this is how one awakens, not with repeating a mantra and feel energies in the stomach and get high.
Or at least this is much more direct and obvious way. I can choose to start trusting myself by running in the forest with blindfolded eyes or to use a torch and see directly. Weird analogy, but anyway. Always ask questions, and answer them – and if you cannot, ask for support from the ones who are proving to be able to walk the mind, such as buddies at the Desteni I Process online course. I’ve go so many support from this online ‘school’, that is extraordinary. That’s why I share these words also – as it might support others too, certainly would do if one is applying 100%. The key is consistent application.

When I stop the flow of this questioning, there is a judgement, or a justification, to have an excuse why I ‘do not have to’ continue digging, asking, understanding – and that is certainly a point of self-dishonesty, what can and should be further investigated and stopped participating within and to continue the expansion.
See – words are specific, words are powerful elements of our mind consciousness, thus it’s really suggested to get to know our own definitions of words, our relationships, associated memories, feelings to specific words – they might not been set-up the most effective/supporting way, maybe I was influenced by tremendous fear in the moment I concluded something in my past, which never re-visited, thus I still carry that in my personality.
And such as the brick wall of human development: most children are special, talented, artistic and smart, and as their brick wall is being built word by word – one or two ‘flawed’ construct will not cause huge problem, but as the building is being built, those at the foundation level will have to carry a much more weight and that’s why it’s specific the first years to have the greatest parenting, education possible…

Later it’s much more work to decompose the person-s building blocks to dig out which are the faulty ones, that’s why each parent wants the best for their children, but within the current human system, it’s limited by the values humans agreed upon, most of the people have no money for proper education for their children, or having no time to support their children, and this rolls forward generation by generation of human consciousness.

That’s for now about my rant on consciousness, just let me add two more TV series in relation to it:

I’d also suggest to check out the 2016 version of Westworld, as it also tells a story about that – creation of consciousness systems.

I’d even add Humans(2015) TV Series too.

Both has A.I, what goes through a sort of gaining consciousness and struggling with decisions about what awareness should mean or to be applied as, what is purpose and going through a journey of who they really are.

I’ve found these latter two also quite specific to understand how human consciousness systems have been sort of engineered, pre-programmed, controlled and used for enslavement.

It’s very specific to watch through Westworld Season 1 and to recognize the similarities of human’s mind consciousness systems and the ‘hosts’ journey there.

The very point from where ‘they gain full consciousness’ – is quite irrelevant, but from that moment, if we start really honestly investigating and comparing ‘them’ to actual humans – the differences is merely technological/biological, but philosophically, spiritually and existentially there is(or will be) no difference.

There is even a fun moment within a scene(I think in Humans 2nd season), where an A.I says that humans are countless, like pests, they are worthless and the real value is them(the self-conscious robots), because it’s new, rare and much more promising in terms of what still can become, meanwhile humans are already what they are – and within that quite limited, flawed and even possibly doomed by their own hands too due to self- and environmental destruction by greed and power, which are in a way also quite meaningless – philosophically speaking, of course.

So, to understand consciousness, to understand our own mind, personality, the way we can be influenced, changed is crucial to become really aware of what we are, what are the consequences we manifested and how to start accumulating a real awakening, not just one within consciousness, but beyond, and certainly more directly.

To further challenge with one point: the human flesh is way more superior than consciousness itself, just to start with. Consider that what organization, billions of cell’s unified work has to be done in each moments for a human to function. Are we aware of that? Consciousness itself is also just a halo, a net, a layer over the body – . Imagine if you would go thinking about that cute girl from yesterday, you would be so far away, that you would forget to breathe and the brain would stop functioning…That would be weird…Many think that’s an advantage, but honestly, we are just as unaware as our other parts of consciousness we are also unaware of. And luckily we have these physical bodies, what are consistent, alive, always present, while our mind can shift into spaces/times here and there, and there is no continuity, only within it’s constant change, while the body’s heart beats, breathes, and these represent a consistent location, the only stable point within the whole universe we can and should to consider as starting point, a real location and relevant point to start taking responsibility for in relation to each of our individual life, social networks, family, friends, bracket of reality to see what are the potentials and where I can ask the right question to answer to unlock myself from any limitation I’ve allowed to physically become. Walk this process and see that consciousness is not just limited, slow and annoying – it is our one aspect we must transcend before embracing life itself as ourselves as equal as one.

I do not preach about Self-forgiveness and Self-honesty, Writing and asking/answering questions – anyone can state immediately that: “It’s not my style/way” – although one has to be really honest to see if it’s not justification and excuse. Many, like I did, often have to go through extreme amount of out of ordinary and I’d even say dangerous experiences to lose almost everything multiple times and to recognize that – again – I’ve a huge mistake – although mistakes are part of the process, it does not mean one has to timeloop until extreme frustration and pain, anger and even self-hatred emerges. Do not believe what I wrote, investigate and walk your journey to life yourself. Everyone is unique, but the things we have to transcend is quite the equal, the same: our own mind consciousness system limitation fear mechanism. Just a cool reference point to not get cocky and remain humble and to give as we would like to receive.

It is certainly a great way is to look at world events, movies, stories, products and systems to always start with reflecting back to self – what this tells about ME, what I have not yet seen, understood – thus not going into blame, projection, separation to find problems ‘out there’ immediately, but to see within, what is or could be my own responsibility in relation to this point I am facing currently?

For more, check out EQAFE – to learn about consciousness, existence, life with unique audio books.

To learn about Words, how to support our living to be more alive, I’d suggest to go to

Enjoy, share, live!

Day 296 – Insignificant moments

Transcendence with the tiny moments. I’ve made a vlog:

Transcription of the video:

Even the least significant moments can be actual accumulation for taking the momentum against(to stand up to) one’s self-limiting mind.

For instance I’ve just cleared the toothbrush after wasting my teeth and then as I was cleaning the toothbrush, even in this insignificant moment, what at least my mind tries persuade me that in this moment I can think of anything else, because I am so superior being, I can think of some other stuff in my life meanwhile I do this, so my mind I would say ‘Don’t worry, I am going to take care of this, you just fly into your mind and think of anything else, whatever you want’.
And if I really look at it in this apparently insignificant moment, I say no, I am here, I am present, I direct this situation and I take over, thank you very much. No friction, no fight, no resistance. And what I accumulate here is that even within the smallest moments I am here, so apparently my mind would say, ‘Oh, then I would no have enough time to consider (apparently) more important things in my life, such as paying the bills, or how to make my job professionally, whatever!’

But in fact, as I direct myself in this moment of cleaning the toothbrush within absolute presence, I also gain self-trust and discipline and self-direction. So then when I face other points what apparently again – seems like more important in my life, then I will be also able to be present, directive and not disturbed, distracted with the mind, which is trying constantly to tell me what’s important, what’s relevant and what to worry about, what not.

And my mind is not my enemy, it’s kind of my nemesis, which is also myself and the solution for transcending the mind is not fighting, not resisting, but to understand to the specific points of it’s origin point, as for instance fear not having enough time, or I am more important and superior being to be really present to brush my teeth and clear the brush after all, because whatever reasons, but finding presence within this apparently insignificant moments also accumulate into more self-trust, more physical presence and in overall more awareness. And also it’s a bit simple to take over these moments first, like I have huge problems in my life.

Start with the little things, because there the mind has…you have given permission authority to these aspects of yourself, but you can take back more easily than the whole whatever relationship, or money, or world system problems you face. And within you start to know yourself, you start to understand how to deal with your distraction points, with your fear, addiction, whatever. And then you just walk this process. And then you realize it does not matter if it’s a small point or a big point. It’s like I am here, this point is here, I deal with it. That’s all.
So it’s no problem if I write about apparently insignificant moments if I am unable to understand the whole situation in order to support myself to prevent prevent to go into these mind-reactions or distractions, because it’s accumulating to the greater good, which is like really being able to trust myself to not go into the mind or even if I would do, it’s my own direction, meanwhile I am still here. I am still directing, I am still present.


img_0655I forgive myself that I have not realized that the definition and judgement of ‘tiny’ and ‘insignificantmoments are merely creation within my mind, my virtual personality database, wherein everything is being constantly created, or consequence of my interest, according to positive- and negative-based belief systems, and thus – the very idea of that some moments are more important than others is also belief and actually hiding the points I have not yet realized about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are moments what are more important than others in my life, what I should focus to, and according to that belief, to automatically give permission my mind to systematically create the judgement of ‘insignificant‘ moments, wherein I do not have to be ‘that much present’.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize, see and understand that if I am not here consistently and constantly, I am basically diminishing and ‘falling into’ my mind system, which is a self-created separation experience, which through I give my power away to not see the wholeness of what is here, but only based on a self-limiting view of interest as if its significant enough to ‘honor it with my presence’ or not. Within that not realizing that if I am not present, I will actually not know if that moment is indeed significant or not,  and that is the self-eating snake I justified myself to diminish into and within that also not realizing that the only significance and honor I can ensure is to actually be unconditionally present in all moments equally.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that with my exclusively past-based knowledge and information judgement system to decide what moment is significant or not, I try to re-and re-self-fulfill the prophecy I’ve seen in my mind based on my fear I try to escape from.

I forgive myself that I have not understood how I am trying to justify existing within fear by utilizing thoughts to tell me when I can go into my mind to have another set of thoughts about another fear by believing that if I think about something, I will figure out a prevention to it, meanwhile in fact I am giving up constant and consistent presence, which is the key to accumulate self-direction and self-trust and to understand everything what’s present.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the moments when I am alone and doing things what I every day or very often do, such as brushing my teeth, taking a shower, or even walking around, creating habits and do these actions without fully being aware of the body, and meanwhile not realizing that the very indication that I ‘leave’ presence into thinking about something is fear, which I do not directly see, its source and origin I do not realize, but blindly trusting my mind suggesting me that in those moments I am more efficient and effective if I allow thoughts to flow through my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I allow thought to be reacted to, which then can trigger another thought and feeling like this is me ‘moving’, meanwhile in fact I am suppressing myself, not moving, not sounding, not living, but only reacting according to my past, based on a specific fear which I keep accepting, at least by believing it to be real enough to have this ‘workaround’ about it and resulting in not being constantly present in and as the physical within awareness.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within defining moments of every day actions as insignificant, I actually make my presence and direction that, and by that not even realizing the actual significance of what I could realize, manifest, live if I would have stayed constantly present by stop being the slave of fear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define brushing teeth, washing the brush, dish washing, cleaning, or even ‘just’ walking as insignificant and based on the judgment and actual skill of being able to ‘automatically’ do things, in fact I am accumulating the occasions of giving into fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when points coming up in my mind as distraction at the moments what I pre-defined as ‘insignificant‘ is showing me that my mind is in a way ‘leaking’, the problematic points I keep reacting to are not ‘contained’, but conflicting within and thus trying to re-and re-process those points in order to stimulate myself into a solution, but that is not true as by thinking and reacting about it is actually the opposite of solving it, but rather to accept it, just have energetic experiences about it in the self-delusion that ‘I am now thinking the problem’ and yes, but not the actual solution.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I am being distracted by reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions while doing something what I’ve defined as mundane, ordinary, easy, boring, that means that I am not honoring myself to be fully present to face those moments based on pre-judgments of what those moments are about and also that I have not given myself the adequate space and time, effort and practical method to face the points coming up in my mind for concluding a practical solution for the problems I keep unsolved.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the spiritualisation of the all equal moments I’ve been created through the perception of separation and judgement in my mind by defining some moments as more important, more meaningful, more divine, thus creating a polarity system of when it is alright to be not fully present with my utmost potential and when I should and then relying this auto-judgement-mechanism system to tell me when I should be more present and when I do not necessary to and all the while not realizing that if I am not present in any given moment, all the accumulated presence, awareness, direction and substantiation of SELF as LIFE is gone entirely again, just as my absolute self-trust, self-direction and self-honesty, thus basically I have to start to make a stand from scratch, breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have excuse and justification that I can and should have multitasking while doing the things I’ve defined previously as insignificant, thus to go into my mind and think

Self-corrective statements for the situations I commit myself to remain present:

When and as I brush my teeth, I breathe in and out, I focus to physical presence, my standing, the senses, the gravity, my hands, my face and I honor myself to be present and directive while doing it and if anything comes up in my mind meanwhile, I realize that it is alright to remember, make note, but NOT self-honest to just follow any thought, reaction automatically and go into ‘thinking mode’, meanwhile just brush my teeth by habit, just as remembering how I washed the day before and before that.

When and as I wash my hands, I focus to presence, the physical feel, my wholeness as direction and expression and I direct my mind to stop and I breathe in and out.

When and as I walk, I focus, discipline, direct and express myself as the body directly and trust myself that in that moment I am the living word of walking and if something I have to wonder about what would make me go into my mind, I consider if it’s relevant, important or supportive in that moment or not, and if not, then I make a note, a remark, a point to return to this later and keep walking.

When and as I would go into doubt, thinking, reactive judgments about not being sure what is self-honest and supporting to do simultaneously, such as walking and talking, or considering what to buy in the shop, and as long as I am accessing anything from my mind instantly, here, while not being distracted, lost, it’s practical, but not to the point of losing direction, physical and breathing awareness.

When and as I feel like I do not have time to stop doing what I do and I would feel the urge to think about something while doing something, I breathe out and in – or in and out accordingly and realize that it’s not about speed as it’s not life-threatening to give myself one more breath and consider something WHILE remaining present.

When and as I drive and start thinking about something and thought follows thought and I miss the driving direction and awareness point of the system of progressive driving, which is to ensure to remain responsible and response-able in any given situations, then I see the need for dropping the topic in my mind and re-align myself with the driving entirely and if I am being overwhelmed by reactions, then I slow down and I make possible to have a stop and then sort things out.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that small physical action mistakes and accidents are happening with me, because being in my mind, thinking, or already projecting myself into the future of what I am going to do, how I will react, feel and do, meanwhile missing the simple physical action references of walking properly, taking objects, putting here and there and those apparently ‘simple actions’, what I already acknowledged that I can make mistake doing when I think.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be aware of the fact that almost all of my injuries I have suffered have happened due to preoccupation in my mind MEANWHILE doing something, handling objects with what I made myself cut/bleed, bruise, stumble or fall or drop things, hit or smash things and those are also indications of me becoming out of sync with physical real time and space as entering mind virtual space time which is completely unrelated to actual reality, thus compromising my effectiveness and presence, thus awareness and responsibility as well.

I commit myself to stop and drop all labeling of moments in my life ENTIRELY of which moment is more significant or which is mundane, and to take full responsibility in all breath equally by realizing that any moment can only be more special or important based my own self-interest, which can be considered, but not to be subjected to to the degree of being distracted to fall out from actual physical time-space continuum.

I commit myself to stop defining every day things what I always do as mundane and insignificant, such as brushing my teeth, washing myself, things, cleaning, go to toilet, walking around, carry things, even driving – I realize that each moment is reflection of who I accumulate myself manifesting to be, thus I direct myself to establish a self who I can be present with and as in all time without any doubt, fear by knowing who I am and re-defining who I am able to honor with consistency.

I commit myself to use any available tools necessary to deal and transcend any distractions coming up in my mind by recognizing that those aspects I’ve separated myself from and by the nature and relationship of the word-judgments, I am able to decompose the pattern of fear/self-dishonesty to take responsibility and forgive myself for giving my mind permission to suppress, then all of a sudden re-appear and distract me from what I am currently doing and by that not being able to be the director of my life, but being directed by previously manifested consequences of judgement, separation, fear and self-dishonesty.

I commit myself to not get blindfolded with an excuse of ‘equalizing’ all moments by convincing myself that there are no moments when there are more stakes in terms of responsibility, such as in direct life-threatening moments, or constructing a high-value deal or making an exam, wherein the decisions and actions I do can have more direct or long-term consequcence, but this should never compromise to go into a polarity-manifestation to deliberately abdicate to responsibility within standing as self-honesty in all of my moments equally.

This is, just like the argument people can put out when I say I support equality and they immediately say it’s insulting bullshit as there are people who have more valuable skills, experiences, significances in terms of their situation, position in the system, etc – but that is not about equality.

Equality is to recognize and honour the qualities and potential, what exists  within all, regardless of circumstances and conditions.

It’s like dogs: they mostly are so cute and a joy to be with them and great support, but that is not applied to a just commanded police dog to bite me or when wild dogs flock and scavenge anything alive – but still – the potential and life within that dog is still present – and when I say equality, I do not get ‘blinded’ by the positive imagination of ‘lalala cute dog’, but also not get completely ‘owned’ by my current personal involvement of ‘this dog is attacking me’. Awareness is not positivity. Neither bitter negativity. It’s the whole picture. Or at least a process to be able to get to

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Day 295 – Driving within presence

img_4848I’ve wrote a big rant on my experiences, impressions, some details of what happened recently, how I felt, but I’ve decided to skip sharing that part – not as it’s secret, just too much detail.
Sometimes I go into more details than necessary and in a way what I recognize, expose, I walk with the Self-forgiveness anyway, so why duplicating?
(For reference, I share the beginning of it to see what I mean by this)

Yesterday night I was driving through the most dense traffic of Saturday night party time of narrow central streets of Budapest and it was almost overwhelming but I was managing it pretty well.

One time I was hesitating for a moment and the car behind me immediately started to honking bluntly, kind of shouting ‘wtf, goooo, now’ – there were people walking up and down, back and forth the road all the time and in at a crossroad there was another car in front of me hesitating and I did not take the momentum immediately, because I was patiently waiting for that car to take the turn as the traffic rules dictated. Actually in these cases I think it’s normal when realizing that the other is too hesitant to take the momentum, but I was rather conservative by considering all the pedestrians around and also the fact that even if I’d take that corner at first, maximum I’d gain 5 seconds, so why the rush actually?

I write about some physical experiences what is related to the abandonment of my effective breathing due to accumulating inner friction:

My hands, palms, fingers become more stiff, gripping, much more than it’s required, and thus actually making my physical feel less sensitive.
It’s like there would be a metal wire in my hands and fingers what become more tight, there is energetic tension within it.
The pressure point in my chest starts to build up on the upper center part and then slowly spreads until I realize that I am lacking oxygen and then start sighing.
My chin pulls in, the whole body tenses up, like awaiting for a smash or hit in any moment, and that also makes it more slowly to react and less ready to anything actually. Like ‘bracing for impact’, even when there is no such experience coming ahead of me.
Also there is annoyance, frustration by things not going how I’d imagine, and in those moments I’d rather focus to what I want to project/manifest into reality than actually see where and how and what I am and what it would require to move ahead exactly. So there is this separation experience, a split in my mind what is kind of self-sabotage as for instance I want to go fast, faster in that moment, but in reality I miss the point that the car is at the edge of balance and if I do not focus to see that, but to what I want to do with the car without considering it – I can push it over.
No wonder there are so many accidents with these sport cars on the street with people who are not trained, educated, skilled to these high performance cars as enough a quarter second to not be here to apply what’s necessary and then the consequences are severe.
Probably those people are losing the direction by going into their mind and not being with the car within presence and when it’s too late, there is nothing to do but physics playing out the consequence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pressure when someone behind me is honking to me, especially when in a way what obviously meaning that the other is being annoyed by me and immediately going into reaction such as feeling ashamed of ‘how bad I am doing right now’ or reflecting it back with anger or annoyance, such as ‘what an a$$h0l3 this guy is’ instead of re-assessing my situation, movement, what to do next and also if possible, what the other is expecting me to perform.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the extreme amount of ineffectiveness I accept and allow when I go into reaction in relation to myself or somebody else, in this car situation who makes signs of me annoying him and focusing to the reaction of this instead of the source and to see is it something I can do to annoy him or not and if seeing that I cannot or deciding not to do, then that’s why not reacting, because I do not need, I understand the situation and keep focusing on effective driving.

When and as I am being honked at by another driver behind me, I check the situation and assess what I can do within safety to proceed effectively or if possible and deciding so, give way to the other to take over me and support him/her within moving faster as might indeed important or if that’s not possible or deciding it’s not practical then remain present, focusing to the driving, road and breathe in and out preventing myself to judge, react, feel pressure or becoming physically uncomfortable.

When and as I experience frustration and annoyance during driving I breathe in and out deeply and let everything go in my mind and also acknowledge that I have the tendency to go faster, care less and thus miss more on the road around me and not realizing that what I ‘win’ by speeding is actually seconds and first and foremost to consider safety. Even when it seems like nobody around the road, it’s always a possibility in the city that something suddenly happens and if I go with 40-50kmh, I can stop much easier and faster than when I go with 60-65kmh.

When and as I feel excited, thrilled, adventurous and challenged during driving faster than it is completely safe and actually legal in the city or on the road I realize that to be consumed by this experience is completely self-interest as not considering everyone else, but my own self-triggered, self-generated experiences while actually being in and as physical reality shared with others.

When and as I want to feel excitement, thrill, challenge, adventure by driving I should consider to go to specific driving area, but not on public road where others are also there and consider safety and actually also that some other people might not having proper skills to handle very fast cars around them and in fact they could make mistakes also and in those situations still I am responsible.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to automatically want to join another car what is taking over around me or going really fast and to think that I can also go that fast and not considering if its really safe and worthy but automatically join that speeding car and not realizing the trigger point in my mind as my own self-judgement of ‘hey if he can go that fast, I also have to, otherwise I would think that I am lesser/weaker/inferior driver’ which I want then to compensate.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that there are two type of drivers who take the opportunity to take over and go fast and the others who are just basically obstacles to the ‘good drivers’.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that if I am being taken over by other drivers with their cars, then I am weaker and I actually miss opportunities to do the same as others and thus moving more effectively, quickly through the city and by missing that, judging myself to be a loser.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that one to be more agile and effective driver has to drive a sporty car, with higher power and agility and if I would start to move with my crossover car more dynamically, people would judge me as a wannabe or a jerk and within that revealing to myself that I use the perception of others to project out self-definitions, using them as trigger points to judge myself completely based on my fears and desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not go as fast as possible within safety, avoiding punishment, annoying others, then that means I do not use the ‘car world’ as effective as it could be, as I should do, therefore I am not using the most potential I could bring out of this and not realizing that this is diversion from more deep, fundamental doubt, distrust within myself in relation to myself and by the judgement and experience of driving wanting to compensate.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel bad when driving by a woman with a little kid on the street by thinking that I am now polluting the air for them with my car just because I feel important to the degree that I can justify polluting the environment and others around me and not realizing that instead of judging myself I could do something differently, such as minimizing car usage, accumulating effort to have electric car and also to embrace the fact that if I go to urban areas, there will be women with kids, so if I really do not want to make them ‘smell my stinky car smog’, then I should not go to the city by car at all and within that realizing that my reaction is just hypocrisy as not wanting to give up driving, just creating inner friction and shame without any practical reason or real re-consideration of the consequences of my actions.

In overall, preventing to go into reactions while being in heavy traffic in the city is more substantial, now I face an interesting phenomenon: sometimes I just submit into the traffic too much, meaning I totally accept that now this kilometer I will have to go in first gear within 10 minutes and it can happen that I actually miss something to recognize and do to make my situation easier, such as seeing an alternative route to take, changing lane more wisely, but often not taking those opportunities as thinking ‘it does not matter, I might just ‘win’ one minute, so why bother to make such efforst, such as indicate my movement to the others, ask/make them possible me to change my course, then go through the usually more complicated alternate route, just for winning one or two minutes, which seems not much, but sometimes it can actually make a difference, and I tried to apply a pattern again – see, how much effort I take to backtrack, stop and de-program my automatic pattern making and taking, and here I am, facing with another pattern.

So it’s a great example to recognize, that even if I stop a pattern, it’s not the end of it, I have to find really practical ways to add to the blank page with effort, research, otherwise I might just ‘allow’ to take another inefficient, ineffective, or even directly self-dishonest patten to take place.

Alright, this is it for this post, I see at least several more points to write about driving, but soon I will wrap it up as there are other points also to be walked in regarding to support breathing awareness in all areas of my life.

For instance one topic is when I encounter beggars among the roads/red lights, how I behave with them, what reactions I experience within. Another topic is the taking care of the car point, considering time, tools, skills and money and my reactions to these points.

Well if I go into detailed specifics, reflecting back my behavior and reactions on any kind of road, such as highway, where encounters are quicker and bit intensified by the stakes so to speak…It’s interesting to realize that walking self-honesty is completely independent on what I actually participate within – hiking or programming, driving or taking shower, diswashing or dancing, making videos or watching a film. Also great to acknowledge that nothing can be real excuse to stop self-dishonesty, but the total self-identification with self-dishonesty itself, and then I believe I protect myself, my cause, my love(d ones), but in fact only my limitation, belief, delusion, fear. So that’s why I do not actually mind(interesting phrase actually) to walk driving itself in details. These days I spend quite some amount of this, so I utilize it for transcendence. If I would be cage-fighter, I’d use that for sure. So.

In overall, having access to car can be great support, not just for normal living, like commuting, shopping, travelling, but also to utilize to effective move within the system, meet people, organize, get things done, but by looking at the numbers of how many cars are, how much people suffer by them, it’s obvious that it is screaming for optimization and constant evolving, which for it’s also cool to decompose the pre-accepted patterns in relation to our relationship to cars to be able to see the bigger picture, consequences, etc.

That’s it for now, thanks, enjoy breath, bye