Day 325 – Leadership – Self-forgiveness part 1

IMG_0929I continue with Self-forgiveness and Self-corrective statements about my points what I see still influencing and undermining effective and self-honest self-leadership.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that leaders the only ones are responsible for the current state of the world and not realizing that they are also representing the current state of individuals altogether.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the empowerment, self-honesty and authority within taking initiative to live self-leadership, instead of waiting, looking outside for answers and solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist leadership, the word leading, not wanting to lead, to initiate, to take responsibility by believing that it would take away my freedom and not realizing that this resistance, denial and dishonesty is manifesting self-enslavement.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that leadership is not about leading others, having power over people and resources, but it is about who I am and what I express within that starting point, not really different than leading my individual life, just having greater consequences.

I forgive myself that I have believed that freedom means the least responsibility to have, the least to be reliable, counted, trusted or accounted for, thus I can do whatever I want, anytime I feel to, and thus being able to change my mind, my words, behaviour without causing much consequences and believing that to be freedom and not realizing that I am basically granting myself and giving permission to my mind to be unstable, unreliable and untrustworthy, even to myself, and of course, also for others.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the most responsibility I take in my individual life, or on existential level, the more opportunities I can have to expand my awareness, because to be able to really responsible, I have to become aware of what I am becoming responsible for and why, how I can apply what is the best interest for what I take responsibility for and thus I have to be able to see reality clearly and objectively, which is awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can procrastinate, postpone, wait with my awareness and responsibility process and standing up, and not realizing the more moments, breaths I wait, waste, the less opportunities I have to really live, therefore I must ensure to deal with as much efficiency and brutal self-honesty I can apply in regarding to not wait but to act immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being leader means to act serious, firm, grandiose, I must look and act well-shaped and consistently, I have to be able to be always in an example of this image I developed about leaders in my mind, mostly about the picture and my reactions to those pictures – and not seeing, realizing and understanding that leadership is not about the image, the specific behaviour, but the initiative, the living example and the support for others to also become leaders equally.

I forgive myself that I have desired power through leadership as seen in the world to compensate my perception of weaknesses within me and to fulfil my desires of not to be powerless and believing that with this kind of leadership power I would actually become powerful and not realizing that me, self here, would still remain powerless in relation to what I accept and allow within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy leaders for their abundance of resources, wealth and power and not realizing that it is a distraction from who I am here and what I am accepting and allowing what for I can be responsible for, what I can lead myself to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and therefore resist responsibility of having power over resources, people and in overall wealth, because of the resonant fear of I would abuse or waste it and then I would manifest irreversible consequences which I would regret, then I could not escape from self-judgement ever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and determine myself according to my mind, thoughts, emotions, memories, judgements and not realizing that it is a facade, a mechanical mirror mechanism to try to escape from embracing myself fully, entirely, unconditionally and within that bubble, I create self-separation delusion within the energetic experience of fear to be mesmerized to respond to that fear with self-interest, ending up dealing with manifested consequences of that fear, of that escape and disregarding the source, the core, which is me, here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within wanting to be become a perfect person first, then to become a leader is flawed, because the only way to become an effective leader is through actually living and walking it and along the walk to see what is self-dishonest, therefore to let go, and what is honourable and best for all and that to support.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that leaders actually do serve and if they act like masters, they are not leading by and as self-honesty, because if there is any master, then that is no leadership, but slavery, therefore in that situation every participant is responsible to support that leader, also the so called leader too to realize that they are consumed by self-interest, therefore abusing trust and power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from becoming a leader and then being tempted with power and abuse it, to not honour my principles, my direction, all life and within that fear not realizing the simple yet effective solution to directly look, investigate, answer what specifically I fear from and why and then apply practical common sense to stop it and move on.

I commit myself to take responsibility, initiative and empowerment to move myself, direct myself, change myself according to self-honesty, meaning if I see self-limitation, self-delusion, fear or judgement to influence and sabotage my actions not to be the best possible for all participants, then I apply self-forgiveness written, said aloud, within action.

I commit myself to take initiative to lead myself within self-honesty and honor life through and as me and my immediate reality for what I take responsibility for.

I commit myself to not stop living as an example for myself and others and thus to give what I would like to receive to others, the world and all of existence within equality and oneness.

I commit myself to stop imaginations and delusions to distort my process of self-honesty and trust in regarding leadership and leading.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I would be no good leader because I am a nice guy, too nice, too gentle and too polite and therefore I could not give orders or direction, because people would challenge me, then rebel and then denounce me, and then I would feel ashamed and lost and not realizing all the points within this single sentence to take responsibility for.
Well, this is interesting, I will continue with the point just opened up here.

But not in the next post – I will ‘break‘ this process for a moment and share my experiences and realizations about the recent Desteni meeting happened some weeks ago in Europe, because it was a remarkable event and experience and I am honored that I could be part of it.

In the meantime, as I often specify: EQAFE com is the best source for expand awareness about the mind, life, awareness and self in overall, so do not miss it, even if you are out of coins to afford some interviews – there are a LOT shared freely.

https://eqafe.com

Day 323 – Ruthless leader fear

IMG_1674Continuing on purifying LEADERSHIP

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to become someone and something else to become leader and with this idea, immediately resisting, not wanting to change, because fearing to lose what I am holding onto within self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to become leader ONLY once I am clear, pure, perfect, unwavering and unconditionally consistent within discipline and within that not realizing that this will not be born from any preparation but only through action, errors and trials, adjustments and mistakes, refinement and experience.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I have to be perfect, pure in order to start accumulate something for supporting what is best for all participants within existence, and within that justifying it by defining myself not knowing, not understanding, thus I should not yet direct, move, express and within all of these not seeing and realizing the meaning of context, which is to be honest with myself of where I am currently, within what situation and according to that to apply what is best within common sense, and for that I do not require to know and understand everything in existence, but have to be aligned and principled.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to justify not moving, not leading, not initiating change based on the belief that I am not yet good communicator, not being able to express myself properly, and not admitting that I only can become better within communication by actually doing it, meaning actually start moving, initiating, leading myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to sacrifice a part of myself in order to become a leader within the fear of being able to be compromised and not realizing that I do not have to accept that condition, but I can investigate, decompose, re-define that aspect of myself and unify with natural self-expression, meaning to connect, to have a partner, family is a decision, which is not related to who I am or what is my direction.

I forgive myself that I have not admitted myself that when I befriend with the thought within my mind about to give up partnership, family and friendship in order to become greater, then that is actually not related to leadership or responsibility, but it’s a self-accepted fear of compromise, which I still accept and allow instead of be honest about it with myself and to stop participating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to become more ruthless, impersonal, computing and clinical in order to become leader, good leader and not realizing that I am still being conditioned and basically owned by those conditions wherein I can access self-expression in regarding to those words of ruthless, impersonal, computing and clinical, and within that resisting to embrace, to become those words based on judgement, memory, suppressed emotion and self-definitions.

I forgive myself that I have not admitted that to want to become ruthless leader is an attempt to escape from taking full responsibility within compassion as admitting that I am still not aware of what is actual compassion and wanting to justify avoiding it to understand in order to maximize efficiency and not realizing that when it’s about leading people – and/or myself, then self-honesty is the key, not being ruthless, which indicates fight, friction and in a way abusing life.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am not able to live the word ruthless within fearing to become bad or evil and also not realizing that I am not daring to find out where and how ruthlessness can have place within my self-honest expression and also not realizing the dominant fear of going too far within that and causing unnecessary suffering.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I want to use ruthlessness as leader, then I am compensating for a weakness, what I want to fight over, which I am not admitting what it is, therefore not being able to stand up to it, but rather to play mind-energetic-plays to use ruthlessness to ‘win’ and ‘control’ specific situations, wherein I am or I have been unable to direct within self-honesty – thus the key is to find that self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within desiring to be a ruthless leader over others in order to reach the goals wanting to achieve, actually I am being ruthless with myself, which I do not admit, do not question why, do not answer how to stop, and within the recognition and acceptance of the inability to become ruthless with myself, wanting to practice that in relation to others, in a role/situation wherein I can apply that.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the whole concept of ruthlessness is to overcompensate the fallacies within my mind, wherein I can be vulnerable to manipulation, stimulation to influence, direct and determine my decisions and actions and within that not realizing that I can directly look at the initial judgements, reactions to stop.

What I have realized since I wrote my last post about LEADERSHIP is that I must be the living example of self-leadership first and in fact all of my secret suppressed desires about being leader were about becoming able to lead myself without any inner resistance and fear.

Also a lot of images of how I could be a leader I can recall, for instance what I’ve seen from corporate jobs, movies and photographs, as the leader has the high-class office, dressed well, articulates perfectly, looks strong, attractive, determined and very direct, in a way restrained, yet no inhibition, almost like always reserving for much more work/power to express and not showing everything at his hand, but only what’s relevant for the current step of his plan.

Quite funny to recognize that my actual ability, opportunity and expression have been hijacked by the cherished images and likeness of what I believed could and should be about leadership and within that not realizing the most obvious missing point: self-leadership, to lead and trust myself, to initiate change and live that.

Also to acknowledge on how easy to debunk a myth, a false-resistance/excuse of ruthlessness, as how it’s not about that, but wanted to be, almost like finding an excuse to suppress any initiation towards actual initiative self-leadership.

Further to realize and share that never to be afraid to see directly what’s within as it does not mean I have to remain like that – for instance in regarding to ruthlessness – as I would get afraid that if anyone would read this, then they would think of me as really someone would become a ruthless leader – as I am certain I would not become that, not in the sense of abuse. But as an opportunity to find out, wherein the word ruthless can actually be supportive, self-honest, according to what is best for all. To be ruthless with my self-dishonesty – but not necessarily as an emotional reaction-way or stone-cold machine-like way. So – it’s certainly a challenge.

Also when I see how I currently initiate leading with others – I am quite the opposite of ruthless, but more like polite, gentle, humble, which apparently I also judge within, and want to compensate with more strength, directness and within principle. So it’s quite fascinating to see that instead of getting afraid of a layer of my mind, for instance here about the word and my relationship to it of: ruthless – to dig further, to uncover the source of that also and trust myself.

I stop here for now, will continue to open up more in relation to leadership, self-leadership.

Day 322 – Leadership opening up

IMG_1679Last time I was writing about being awkward. If I look beyond that self-limitation, there are a lot of points what I was suppressing as well.
Let’s look one particular point what started to open recently.

I was listening three of amazing EQAFE support interviews in regarding to Leadership

(links at the end of this post).

I’ve been circling around this word since a while and within my DIP PRO course assignment also pops up from time to time and the more I become honest with myself, this is an aspect of me, seeing the potential on how to expand with it, but it is also becoming clear that there is much work to do in order to birth that potential into life.

Thus, walking some memories, decomposing some constructs of my own relationship and personality of the word and it’s meaning of LEADER and LEADERSHIP.

Right away, there has always been a controversy of two opposite opinions about this within me: since my childhood, all I ever wanted is to have more power, possibilities and freedom, while on the other hand I have been accumulated so much willingness and desire to directly lack, deny and escape responsibility.

After many years, here I am and already realized that responsibility is the only way which through I can be really free of my self-limitation and powerlessness, thus since a while I specifically aim parts of my life wherein I am directing myself to open up and realize: where I am still not taking responsibility for myself and then(or at the same time) the world as well.

So I start with walking Self-forgiveness immediately, instead of sharing a lot of memories, because that is not really required here to start to see, as this point I have focusing to since a while in reflection to things happening in my personal, interpersonal and global life events, so I just directly apply practical understanding through actually taking responsibility with seeing what I have not yet acknowledged, but in a way, in the background, I have always known.

Self-forgiveness

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire leadership, to become a leader and not being honest with myself to see that this desire is fueled by my own powerlessness, insecurity and wanting to compensate values, aspects, abilities and personality traits of others, who I defined as more than who I perceive myself to be.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want power and efficiency, but not wanting to take responsibility for who I am, for the reactions, thoughts, feelings and emotions are happening within me, overwhelming, distracting, dis-empowering me, but directly wanting to exert power into the world, because then others would see how powerful I am and based on their reactions, I would feel myself more powerful.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself to see/realize/understand that I want to seem as powerful in order to be judged as powerful, so then based on judgements, starting to believe that indeed I am powerful.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the polarity-energy play within myself as wanting to experience ‘positive‘ judgments about me in relation to leadership and power to COMPENSATE the already existing ‘negative‘ judgments/beliefs/self-definitions within me and not realizing the common sense to stop/remove the ‘negative’ directly with self-honesty and self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-commitments to change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve defined people in leading positions as something I could be good at without actually understanding what they do, what qualities they live and how.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that leader, as the word itself explains itself, meaning that the one, who leads the way, which mostly means to initiate, to move first, without anything or anyone outside of themselves and that requires self-trust, self-knowledge and self-dedication, which I never considered to see it as actual qualities I can learn, but as being not my type, not my personality, not my way and not realizing that these are simply excuses and justifications of why I should give into the resistance to face and change my personality if I do really want to be a leader.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that my initial desire to become leader comes from the realization that I allow myself to be leaded by forces outside of me, even when I do not want, I do realize that it’s not supporting me, thus to compensate/fight that powerlessness, started to grow a desire for power and leadership.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that ANY leadership starts with self, self-leadership and to deal with myself, my inner representation, my mind, my personality, my ‘demons’, so to speak, the patterns what constitute the chance to compromise my stand, to doubt myself, to give into resistances, to not want to change, initiate, move.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that my resistance towards leading, leading systems, others is the manifestation of the resistance to lead myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that until self-leadership will not spread and become a living expression of all individuals, there always will be leaders, which means master and slave relationship.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that leading is not about the power as it is mostly given, and if one does not live with that given power well, it might or will be taken away – even if it’s about self-leadership and self-given power – any doubt, resistance, fear can compromise that power.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to take responsibility for what and who I am and within that to realize that I can change if I decide so, and the very fact that I am not changing is the indication and proof of that I am not taking responsibility and thus accepting my limitations to direct me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy leaders around me by what I perceived as having access to power and thus wanting to be leader and only looking what they have but not questioning the process they actually became leaders with what qualities and actions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only thing stops me from being leader is the self-sabotage of not leading myself first.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not yet ready to become a leader and within that not seeing what actual justifications I hold onto, what makes that belief within me.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the postponement of actually walking the path of a leader is the belief that first I have to become perfect, then once I am ‘ready’, then I will lead and within that not realizing that there is no perfection without making mistakes first and the ability to admit and change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized, named and worded the actual excuses and justifications I am holding onto for not taking responsibility to lead myself, to initiate movement and change within myself and the world as equal as one in a consistent practical application.

Conclusion

So, this should do as a start, at the end the realization came to the surface that I actually have to list up the points I perceive as blocking me to lead myself effectively.

I start with a brief list here and I will continue in the next post with this fascinating topic.

  • The belief that once I become a leader, I will have less time for entertainment and to actually do what I like, such as learning, investigating, discovering.
  • The belief that first I have to face all my demons to not get into any possible compromising situation ‘out there’ in the world.
  • The belief that I am not stable and consistent enough
  • The belief that my communication skills are not yet effective enough
    The belief that I am not yet walking a supportive, enjoyable and stable partnership with someone first
  • The belief that I have to remain somewhat alone and secluded in order to become someone who will not compromise leadership and responsibility first versus personal interest, such as relationship and family and it’s a friction within between wanting partnership, but only if it’s not compromising my ‘plans’ and having the belief that I should not care about such details, but only focus to my ‘plans’
  • The belief that I am not direct, in a way ruthless or impersonal enough and being vulnerable for people to be able to influence me with their social skills, beauty or my insecurities

These are just a few and some of them are already seem ridiculous for me at the moment I write them down, so at first sight they do not seem relevant or real problematic, but still: came up, thus worth writing down and to see what is behind that particular belief.

Just like with fears and phobias – many people hold onto so many kinds of fears without even being aware of how ridiculous it might seem if the person would actually take the effort to write it down to see in front of them.

A point I see worth mentioning in regarding to fear:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from jumping into action in regarding to leadership, which is the fear of making so big mistakes that would manifest irreversible consequences, what could sabotage my intention, direction towards leadership.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I focus to the fear and it’s resonance, I do not look at the point I fear manifesting, I do not see if it’s realistic, what I can do to prevent it, but I spend time to not move, not act, but only react within.

And the last should be this:

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within seeing the initiative to become leader, but not actually specifying of what kind of leader within what ‘field’ I want to lead, initiate, move change, thus it’s all abstract, undefined, un-graspable, which is to protect my level of involvement with leadership, which is only self-stimulation, not actual reality-walking and manifesting.

This is greatly challenging and recommended everyone to walk as can reveal so many points of self-dishonesty to work with and being able to face, understand and stop.

These are the awesome EQAFE interviews about leadership I’ve mentioned and support me and others greatly:

https://eqafe.com/p/what-is-leadership-to-you-the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-103

https://eqafe.com/p/what-is-blocking-the-leader-within-you-the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-104
https://eqafe.com/p/the-birth-of-a-leader-begins-with-self-the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-105

And a personal blog post from Marlen to look Leadership as well, suggested to read:

https://marlenvargasdelrazo.wordpress.com/2017/04/13/557-self-leadership-and-the-message-of-jesus/

Day 319 – From awkwardness to self-trust part 2

aw2Continuing with my story- part 1

I went to a half year long trip to Asia, where I was introduced to the Rainbow hippie community, where I faced another great resistance: shy and shameful of my body – I was naked a lot of times with others(people believe hippies do naked sex all the time, and it’s not really about that, I rarely saw actual sex, but it’s more about finding connection with yourself, your body, nature and stop judging, comparing, but actually enjoying) and realized that there is nothing wrong how I look like and this is who I am and this was great.
There, I had an interesting observation. With hundreds of very open and mostly honestly kind; much more accepting and embracing people near the ocean, at the edge of the tropical jungle, far from any cities, I have noticed one particular kind of human in terms of social abilities.

This is going to be exaggeration, but in a way this is how I reacted back then.
I’ve seen these individuals as shining beacons among others, they are attractive, upbeat, extremely polite, generous, mostly everyone not just likes them but people are affected by their morale and they literally can talk with anyone about anything immediately, no need warming up, getting to know each other, they just step in and BAAM, they are ‘with me here‘.
Without being able to describe them, I’ve labelled them as ‘social demons‘ – I mean ‘demons’ not in the negative way at all, but rather as almost supernatural level of well refined and effective communication abilities.

I would have thought that I would be jealous to these individuals of how awesomely they are able to live aspects and qualities I never had, but always desired for; but the opposite happened: I realized that I can observe, listen to and interact with them and learn from them, meanwhile enjoying their company and it was an interesting realization.

Of course, they are not perfect, sometimes made mistakes or they were carried away and were not so cool with some other people and although I was still amazed by their abilities, I was also seeing that they are ordinary people, just this part of themselves they have practiced, experienced a lot, which I did not.

I rather was being good with computer systems, stoic philosophy and being obsessed with almost military-grade clinical thinking, which was only – and quite often – compromised, when I allowed myself to be overwhelmed with exerting suppressed emotions for too long.

Also during my far east travels, there were lot of times when I was ‘alone’, without friends, without money, without things with me to be preoccupied with. But for instance in India – you are rarely alone, mostly being among hundreds, thousands, sometimes even millions of others(Kumbh mela).
And I was able to open up to strangers – my approach came with the realization that I am on this train with this another human at the other side of the world and probably I will never see this person again, so why talk about superficial things, like weather, but why not to be completely open, and become vulnerable, meaning radically honest and have real moments with each other.

What to lose? Even if I screw up, appear as a fool, or someone not so cool, it’s like being in a role for a movie for a while, then move along. In a way, like in computer games, when I have the quest to go here and there and ask around, but what if I just shoot everything that moves. Well, in reality, obviously, it is not what I mean, but rather to just ‘step out of my character’. To dare to ask or tell something, which I could not feel doing so with a person at home, here, with this stranger, I was more easy to do so. The limit is literally my imagination.
This helped a LOT to go through many points of my personality and to see which I still enjoy, respect, and what part of me is still a bore, to be ashamed of or simply seeing, I do not like this within me, I want to change it. How I smile, how I articulate, how I walk, how I am losing my mind to a specific type of woman, sound or image, etc.

Before this trip, and even during it, I was doing zen meditation, then Tibetan too, some sacred geometry-related visualization, and man, I was thinking I am now becoming aware and it’s all great.
I was so wrong and I did not see the fall coming.

Multiple times I was facing near death experiences due to my recklessness and preoccupation in my mind and being in total out of sync with physical reality, what deeply shaken me within, much more than I realized back then, but it immediately pushed me out from my thinking mind for a while. After one particular event/experience, when I was almost crushed to the rocks of the wavy ocean, for several hours, I was present, it was like a flame was burning in my chest what pulled, grounded me here, although I was sick, injured and weakened, it did not matter, I was able to see it, but within the moments it did not matter.

Then I screwed it up, smoked again and fell back into my mind, but those moments burned into my beingness for ever, like a splinter in my thinking patterns about the fact that I could be so much more if I would never fall back into this thinking mind again.

And I had several years of training, practice and experience with meditation, read tons of books from various eastern and western teachers/writers, but I had to realize that although this was somewhat useful, I have to step beyond all of these. As part of this realization, I stopped drinking alcohol once and for all, which I never regret. After a while, that substance always made me more moody, swampy and less clear in my mind, and I understand if people gain more feel good experiences by doing this with their being, mind and body, for me it was and still clear that it’s self-sabotage, which I committed not to do so. I still had dozens of other problems within me, so this step was not an all-over solution, but certainly a stepping stone towards becoming more stable.

When I came back from Asia, my personality was, in a way split, one part of me was still trying to catch effects from the same old patterns, getting high, stimulating myself with intensified energetic experiences due to drugs, sex, danger or recklessness, but at the same time one other part of me grew doubting the other ‘me’ – and kept looking, searching for something new, with what I could make more sense, to find real answers.

I was so hungry for real change, although I have suffered through years to have this semi-wisdom and halo of excuses and justifications of why the world system is to be completely rejected, to hate money, law, lawyers and anyone happy, they are to blame, but I started to see through the lies and fake bliss of spirituality and new age too, mostly through my own mind-my life-sand-castles constantly falling apart.

I continue in the next post.

 

Day 315 – Why is it difficult to be Self-honest?

IMG_3952-EditTalking about why can be difficult to apply Self-honesty when facing an opportunity to change. The halo of justifications and excuses to find everywhere and to give into one is enough to give up the decision to change.

Giving some examples of how projecting self-defined, pre-judged past memories can compromise practical change/expansion.

Why and how can regular writing be an immense support to walk through accepted and allowed self-dishonest patterns.

 

Study Self-Mind-Beingness and find practical solutions to change self-dishonest patterns:

Awesome online course about how to transcend

Self-support books, audio recordings

School of Ultimate Living

Day 314 – Resistances to Discipline

img_3819Recently  I’ve discovered within several areas of my life that one of my most relevant self-limitations is the lack of discipline.

Within my DIP pro course’s assignment and my personal projects I’ve realized the lack of progress due to not being disciplined.

Also there are several self-support ‘daily challenges‘ I always see as very supportive, yet often I spend a day without applying it.

Furthermore, I am busy with self-stopping, self-changing and self-creation and this means to look at certain patterns, behaviors, reactions within me to re-write so to speak. Although I could write more to prepare, pre-script and thus support myself, I see that the problem does not exists within writing or lack of writing. That’s just the consequence.

This whole thing seems like I am a type of guy who does not enjoy life and always finding problems to solve, never satisfied with himself and there is nothing better to do in my life than just basically being obsessed with myself.

On the contrary, I see with what aspects of me I simply could be much honest, direct, effective and responsible, so why not change?

Resistances, indeed, that’s why not to change.

Because I resist it on thinking logical and rational level – which might be the most challenging for many, because who does not like logic, must be a fool. Although logic can be quite limiting as well, especially, when not all factors are investigated throughoutly, and then thus a person can tell – my logic says it’s all cool, nothing world with the world – while someone else’s logic could say – it’s all screwed up.

Then comes the emotional/feeling justification – well, it’s still of logic, just the person’s limited perspective’s logic.

If I feel frustration and anger when I try to solve this problem I am facing, I should just rage against the problem and after a while to give up or justify it that ‘it can’t be done’ or ‘it’s not my way’.

A simple, almost insignificant example: I was editing a little film we’ve shot some years ago and we did not finish the editing. Recently with my friend we’ve agreed to do so and currently it’s on me to finish a short, color corrected, sound-effected version of it.

This point I got frustrated with actually happened already some times, so if I could have been aware of the possibility, and thus not go into frustration. Although I’ve recognized it shortly, but at least one minute I’ve spent with frustration before applying common sense.

The video editor had an update and converted my project file and did not auto-save as it supposed to be. And it froze, lost what I worked on and I was like ‘nooooooooooooooo’ for a little while. This is quite normal while working with computers, no matter, even if the best hardware and software is present, shit just can happen and thus to rant about it is quite silly actually.

Then I restarted the software, saved more frequently and actually made it better.

One of the reasons I mention frustration here in relation to discipline is that it can turn to be an excuse why giving into resistances not to do what I decided and planned to do.

Within many professions there are a lot of parts what can trigger annoyance and frustration, and it does not have to be like that, but somehow I give into that experience and then I am being distracted from disciplined application.

By looking my relationship with discipline, I’ve discovered some self-dishonesties in relation how I am sabotaging to live this word to my utmost potential, which I walk through here with Self-forgiveness to acknowledge the extent of self-dishonest acceptances and allowances.

What I already see is that I used to have some phases in my life when I was able to apply so to speak unbreakable discipline in regarding to some specific applications I’ve decided to do and I was unwavering, had no doubt, could not distract any reaction or doubt and thus any possible reason to get frustrated with or annoyed by, simply bounced off me.
These actions and experiences made me realize that my will indeed can be disciplined to the potential of absolute, but at the same time, instead of making this realization, expression and quality to become my natural expression, I’ve rather laid back satisfied with the knowledge of that if I’d need, I could apply it when needed.

So, let’s explore this a bit more specifically.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I defined to be satisfactory to ‘know’ that I can have discipline when needed, when decided and within that not realizing that the very action of ‘accepting myself to be undisciplined and then always relying on a decision to become disciplined again’ is already a lack of discipline and self-conviction of excuses and justifications of why I do not need to continue exploring, working, integrating and living the word discipline as myself as equal here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within accepting myself to believe that I can and should occasionally decide when to apply this discipline what I believed to be absolute, just like a superpower, or an ability, which I only can turn on for a while until it’s needed and then to turn it off and to become a so to speak ‘ordinary’ human, who accepts reactions, distractions, frustrations and giving ups.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that my action of disciplined movement was not absolute as I was relying on a condition which by I was able to exclude the option of not giving up and giving into distractions and within that not realizing what that condition was, which owned, controlled me without me noticing, acknowledging, questioning it.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the self-conviction for become disciplined was originated from cycles of reactions, distractions, frustrations and anger toward myself of accepting self-limitations, suppressing myself for long and by that accumulation being able to turn into a maintained experience of discipline, which seemed as I am directing it and I am enjoying it’s fruitful result, but in fact I was not in absolute direction and the proof for that was that my discipline always stopped at a certain point in relation to the application I was applying it to.

To give context: discipline often was certain kinds of meditations, getting a specific project or job done and within that not realizing that I was quite obsessive and narrowminded, which means I was actually excluding, disregarding everything else, which might seem as a cool tactic, but within that, and especially after these ‘sessions’ – I always faced with the consequence of totally falling out of my reality for too long, too much, and thus manifesting things, points, with what I actually created the opposite, what I wanted.

For instance, with discipline, I believed that if I just do what’s most important to do, then I will have more time on that by ignoring everything else in my life which should get my attention regularly for a bit, but it was always the opposite.

By disregarding many things which usually do not require too much time to take care of, those grew up into problems and then I had to spend more time with them to solve them and thus ending up with the need to ‘break’ that discipline and eventually losing much more time than I did feel ‘winning’ by only focusing to what was important.

This should be practical common sense 101, but not for me as I always had resistance towards scheduling, regular actions as always felt like as the opposite of freedom, which would be that at any given time I should be able to just do whatever I want, like travel to another country, spend a week in a forest, not specifically about what to be able to do, but about the immediacy, the spontaneity, which I identified with freedom.

I always felt like doing the daily routines makes me total slave, and interestingly I know someone quite close to me who has the opposite perception on that, he NEEDS a regular day job, otherwise he would fall apart.

Well, since my relationship with freedom, much have been changed, certainly my new application of discipline as well, but I never specifically focused to this word with not just letting go, purification, but also the practical re-definition. Well, in fact I did some time ago, but as I am facing greater challenges recently(due to more direct change I apply to my living and also embarking towards new skills and level of dedication), I see the space for support within me to walk this through with self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the ability, possibility and expression to be able to live the word discipline, but not in relation to things outside of me in this world, rather then to see how can I live the word discipline directly here, unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have believed that discipline takes energy to maintain and always resulting with a sacrifice, with what I pay with for it’s sustainment of ‘heightened’ awareness towards something and within that not realizing that it’s based on polarity, self-interest and relying on conditions out of my direct power, thus in reality, it’s not MY discipline, but rather I am being triggered to give my full attention towards something for a specific reason.

I forgive myself that I have not realized to see the way I go into discipline ‘mode’ is actually similar as I go into various specific distractions from presence, and in that matter, I am actually being possessed with an idea of discipline, while all happens is that I am bound to focus towards one particular point, meanwhile disregarding everything else, and thus as applying this, it is not real, self-lived discipline, but as a mind-state, which has beginning and end, and although I might can be convinced, that it’s self-directed, it is not, otherwise I would be able to apply it any time or always.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am justifying why not needing to have discipline all the time in relation to many things, and within it’s essence the very expression to live discipline towards anything, already relies to the ability of living the word discipline myself here directly and within that acknowledging that I am not living discipline and I have not yet established discipline as self-expression, pronounced on it’s ‘natural’ quality, meaning unconditional, unwavering, self-directed, being context aware.

I forgive myself that I have defined discipline as a focus towards one particular point while disregarding everything else and only caring about that goal I am interested within and not realizing that this might work on some short actions, but certainly not in relation to bigger projects, wherein I’d only create more frustration by being unable to maintain this kind of energetic discipline for long enough.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that discipline also can mean to make a commitment and create a trusted relationship with myself in relation to what I am going to accept and allow and what certainly not, and within that how I am going to overcome challenges, temptations, reactions and not give into any excuse and justification WITHOUT needing to have energy, accumulated frustration to fuel such focus.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to give the space and time, trust and opportunity for myself to learn to move without energy, without polarity and judgement, act without frustration and being motivated and care about points outside of me without fear or desire.
I commit myself to develop discipline within myself, in relation to my starting point, my mind and physical body self-expression to not need a reason to be honest with myself and not wait for frustration, self-limitation and anger to appear as an indirect motivation to make me move and focus, as it’s not only counter-productive and self-dishonest, but also undermining self-trust and integrity.

I commit myself to not give into physical body experience resistances, such as dullness, tiredness, which is coming from the mind, as the manifested consequence of judgements towards past acceptances and allowances, which I stand up to, become equal and one by walking self-forgiveness through all the words I become aware of I would react to and I forgive myself to let each go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it’s enough to know that I have discipline, it’s enough to have memories of the past when I had discipline and not realizing that discipline is only real when I am living it without separation of my mind’s knowledge, memory, reasons.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have not yet lived up to my potentials with discipline based on the self-identification with excuses and justifications not yet acknowledged, forgiven, given up as I face my daily applications.

I forgive myself that I have not yet committed myself REALLY to daily application of discipline and within that to see with what and how, first and foremost: why I compromise my discipline and to walk through those points to become disciplined within – even discipline.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the potential I have in terms of letting go self-limitations and honouring life in each breath equally.

When and as I fear I am missing out by applying discipline, because now going into ‘focus mode’, I realize that I do not need to fall into that, to get obsessed with to be able to progress and not fall into temptations to be distracted and giving up, but instead of fighting through these, also I can gently, honestly decompose such patterns for real with living self-forgiveness as actual change.

 

I will continue to share with my realizations and practical applications on the occasions when I was able to apply unwavering discipline, what I’ve seen as a gift/ability back then, which then later on I abused(thus myself) by excuses, judgments and reactions, thus to diminish it into memory, knowledge and self-definition instead of consistent living application.

Day 307 – Anxiety/excitement separation

img_9036An interesting point opened up – I was about to go to a place with someone and I had this experience of anxiety and excitement at the same time. It was not even certain if it’s positive or negative, I guess it was neither and both at the same time. However it was not direct and directed by me, and I could not really just say stop, so started to look at what’s this
A 2 minute video about the experience:

When I experience and live through my mind, it’s a separation, not I am directing, not I am creating, not I am actually experiencing directly, but I deal with everything through my mind’s ‘interface’.

It’s a typical system within the mind – my mind: certainly – two parts of the opposite polarities, conflicting about it within, making me look inside, not the actual cause, but the consequence, the reactions, the experience.

So as I am excited with anticipation and anxious with worry at the same time and I am still drained towards the event/experience – and by actually doing so, realizing that it’s not about the place, not about the person I go with, but with my own mind-setup and reactions being triggered.

Even pretending to not being aware what I am doing – certainly yes – denying, procrastinating, distracting – to say no at a situation and to say yes in another – while even having the slightest doubt – resulting with emerging emotions and feelings rendering me actual dumb, in the sense of all self-trust, confidence and integrity I can ruin in a second – within me – in relation to myself – and from that point I am exposed to all of my still unresolved self-dishonesty. Secret desire – which I did not even admit to myself yet? Denied resistance, what I should take responsibility for to embrace?

Important to realize that within the path to absolute self-honesty – any mistake might seem as absolute self-dishonesty – so it’s to discipline, re-align and not to judge myself.

But if I rely to not push to my utmost potentials, just because ‘I will not judge myself’ – that’s again undermining self-trust and self-direction – resulting to wallow into more self-dishonesty deliberately, until I will stand up.

So it’s not just to realize that I am one with this experience, or I am equal with it – but if I am not one and equal with and as ‘it’, which means being aware of if to it’s utmost specificity, being able to direct it as myself – then that means I am not one and equal with it, thus existing within self-separation. That’s then another starting point and perspective to start investigate from.

My current point of anxiety/excitement originates from secret desires and resistances not being honest to myself about and then both being triggered, I am creating this friction within, which, even if it’s not cool experience, I don’t stop.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have a tendency to create friction within my mind by reacting to different things with different polarity extremes, like being excited and anxious about it at the same time and not realizing that desire and resistance I face at the same time and thus accepting to remain within self-separation, conflict without being able to remain directive, inner silent and to apply practical common sense.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that my excitement is also a form of fear, anxiety, as based on judgments, imagination, desire, definitions, polarity and energetic experiences, and within that form of expression, I am not trusting myself to directly face, experience, live and be in this event, situation, but to create anticipation and preconditioning in my mind and then with that already create an experience, strong enough to be influenced by, stimulated with, even when the actual event/situation/experience is here, thus actually living in the past, not allowing myself to fully embrace the moment – due to a lack of self-trust, which I do not want to admit, face, forgive and stop for a reason I am also not admitting.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am not aware of the self-dishonesty, distracting, conflicting mind-experiences, points I face, and within that trying to prove to myself why I am not powerful, responsible, capable, actually: willing to be able to stop and change and within that not realizing that try – actually exposing myself that it’s self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that whenever anxiety and excitement kicks in – I am being moved by my past, my judgments, and if I do not become aware fully of all of it’s(my) patterns, I will participate again, thus re-creating the past, stop changing, expanding, living.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can apply common sense of whenever I experience excitement to the degree of overwhelming me, or an anxiety, which also overwhelms me, or I can’t just stop, even if it should be practical – so that means if I can’t stop, when I want to – that means I have a problem, a conflict, a point to open up, understand, forgive and become aware of how to really stop it and give myself a chance to face and live experiences/events/situations without any emotion/feeling but to live the words.

Not to focus or seek the experience of joy, but to express and live, share and be the word enjoyment.

Quite a difference.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I have the experience of excitement AND anxiety at the same time, I have conflict within me which I do not understand, or never really looked to fully understand, and thus it’s influencing me the way which is not supporting me to be present, directive, to live words without positive or negative connotations.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that whenever I am excited to the point of overwhelming and when seeing within me that there is subject and object, it means am not directly living the word excitement, but through my mind, based on polarity, definitions, separation, thus it’s not the possibly fullest potential of me.

I forgive myself that I have not understood why it’s my fullest potential to experience, live and be without my mind’s definitions, reactions, polarity and believing that emotions and feelings are key to feel, and express myself, meanwhile those are actually limited consequences of my self-defined mind-experiences, based on another experiences I had before.

When and as I experience overwhelming excitement and/or anxiety – I slow down – I breathe, I let everything go and to see if I can stop it, as myself, as equal as one – breathe in, stop, breathe out – continue stopping, not going anywhere in my mind, but be present, stopping, being here.

When and as I can’t stop an anxiety/excitement within myself, I start to apply self-forgiveness written/and-or aloud, to find out what’s I am still separated from within my current awareness, which thus I cannot embrace, become equal and one to be able to stop – and within that finding, also understanding why it happened, how.

When and as I experience resistance/denial/excuse why not to explore to the utmost specificity an anxiety, an excitement, I realize that it’s fear – which as I give into will grow, while my self-trust reduces, thus I have to make a stand and push through the resistance – and if it’s not doable, then focus to the resistance itself, word it, work with it, until it’s walkable through, then continue to work with the excitement/anxiety.

Stopping the mind is not a new thing – this concept exists quite some time – eastern and western cultures, education, documents, scriptures often mention it, but it should not be tainted with anything of belief.
It should be practical common sense, no magic, no rituals, no belief whatsoever.

The human mind consciousness is not magic and it seems to be beyond human comprehension, it’s because of self-dishonesty. That should be re-mediated first and then the door will be open real understanding without being biased with our own personal agenda and past.