Day 350 – Intense realizations with body support

Sometimes when facing a deeper, unconscious self-dishonest pattern to be able to understand and stop, can have these intensified emotional and physical moments and experiences. Sharing about how I am dealing with it and supporting myself with body awareness and applying self-forgiveness to stop the self-dishonest patterns I have been existing as until now. talvlonov7

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Day 349 – Word Relationship

IMG_3474Continuing on decomposing, forgiving and transcending my relationship -and in a way love-related misinterpretations, misalignments and self-dishonesty.

Tonight I had quite an overwhelming set of realizations during my Quantum Change Kinesiology session as received so specific support and I suggest everyone to consider to book for a session as it’s so direct and clear.

I have created quite a road-map and plan on how I am going to forgive, correct and change all the points I’ve been supported to become aware of, and this is how and where I start.

The pattern today I work on – although in my last blog I mentioned the word Abandoned – I also had to realize, in a way I have been abandoning my self-honesty, which I have to embrace and actually create and it beings with the word relationship.

Already having a lot of new insight and understanding about the mistakes and patterns I’ve made, but I do not have regret, although at this point I am uncertain of how much consequences I’ve created, but definitely making the best of learning from my already made mistakes as they have revealed quite a lot of things to be self-corrected and re-defined.

So. RELATIONSHIP.

Here comes a random associative self-forgiveness of what I see currently, thus starting to structure the direction of with I substantiate the realizations I started to see.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize and understand of what associations, definitions, expectations and convictions I’ve attached to the word Relationship, and within that not being aware of what I feed within my energetic mind unconsciously, wherein, whenever I relate to, think about, talk or act about relationship, I also energize, ‘light up’ in my mind these associations without me being aware of it, thus accumulating reactions, behavior, whole personality manifestations, which I would believe, describe and live out as who I would perceive myself to be, meanwhile it’s all just accumulation of structured self-definition statements, beliefs and hopes.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within relationship I have to sacrifice parts of myself, aspects I would believe I could only live as being alone, and thus relationship is about submitting myself for something I believed as ‘greater good’ and within that not realizing that whenever I am giving up on myself – it’s self-separation, thus it’s self-dishonesty, self-abuse, thus should be a wake-up call warning of what I participate within is self-dishonest, thus I should stop and start investigating to understand to the utmost specificity.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have defined relationship as something where I have to give up freedom, self-will and independent stability in order to be able to mold into this entity of ‘being part of a relationship’ and within that not realizing that relationship is just a bigger structure of parts of ‘atomic’ already existing relationships, wherein I only can consist of a relationship with someone or something, as an already existing relationship with myself here, which then influences, determines the outcome of the greater relationship I start to participate within and thus not realize the responsibility to sort out all dishonesty I accept with myself first and whatever I experience as projection/blame to the ‘greater/external’ relationship as something not , should be also reflected back to self here.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to submit into things in a way of self-sacrifice and defining it as honorable and ego-less, and not realizing that if I sacrifice my self-honesty, it’s definitely an ego as there is a reason for why I would give up on myself, especially with a belief and self-conviction of that this is actually good, and that’s how relationship could work, meanwhile I am submissive only in order to compensate a fear, an insecurity and thus wanting the ‘relationship itself’ to secure me, to fulfill me, to elevate and make me whole and within this, not realizing that anything separated from self can’t do anything really for me, except to be less stable and honest, confused and lost.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define relationship as something I have to make it work, no matter what, and within that not realizing that I am not looking at relationship as self-expression, but as separate from self, and thus it’s all superficial and projected, and I focus to the consequence, the creation of consequence, instead of the source, which is that how I define and maintain my relationship with the word and definition, expression and living of: relationship itself within myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I fear from relationship not working out, because that I would automatically judge/define/react to as that I am failed within relationship, because I have failed to make it work, therefore I am failed, therefore I am nothing – and within these thought-processes not realizing that I value relationship more than self here, thus making it superior than myself, unconsciously, yet deliberately, not directly, thus obviously and within that automatically positioning myself into inferiority, submission.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that due to my memories and judgements of my past in relation to relationship, I do not want to fail relationship and within that starting point creating my primary relationship with ‘relationship’ itself through fear, fear of failure, fear of loss and not understanding that this is self-dis-empowerment and self-denial and not realizing how and why I actually do it – such as believing that within relationship I could become something greater, and not realizing that I will still be who I express myself here at this moment, thus I should not stop decomposing and forgiving the self-dishonest patterns I constitute of.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have defined myself as too proud, stubborn and selfish within my past and my past relationships and and currently still holding to this idea of this is who I am, although I have changed already, but not allowing to live out that change as mentally still ‘being stuck’ in that past, instead of forgiving myself of what I did in the past and thus allowing and directing myself to let go and really change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within judging my past relationships as failures(because I am not within any of those anymore) I am accepting a fear of failing the current/next as well, instead of standing up to any, slightest, smallest reaction of fear and make my stand and forgive myself for what I have accepted and allowed to do and/or not do.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have misinterpreted relationship and points relation to it as something to blame and not realizing that it’s all within my starting point and if I do not reflect back to self all I project out to relationship itself, I am making a fool of myself by fighting with my own shadow as any problem I encountered was not about the relationship or partner, but who I tried to deny about myself, thus creating this separation, this inferiority and false need to sacrifice myself.

Bringing back to Self all relationship-related mind-thought/emotion-tentacles is common sense here.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, a lot to uncover and correct, but it’s time to rest.

If I look into myself – no energetic movements at the moment. Some slight resistance to breathe naturally, I need to push, move myself, but it’s actual self-movement – breathe in, embrace all of existence, hold, no movement, silence, darkness – then out breath, equalizing self with all what’s here, then again – breathe in, embrace and direct.

Lot of physical experiences I perceive, just as sleepiness too – but this time not by unconscious resistance to face a point within self, but actual physical tiredness.

It’s great to do all I can today, so tomorrow can continue as well. Still a lot to correct, but one breath at a time.

Day 348 – Rejection, Blame and Help

IMG_5972I look at these points today:

  1. Fear of rejection, blame
  2. Facing unknown, asking for help

Fear of rejection

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being rejected as defining it that it means I am unworthy, not good enough, I did something horrible, I am bad person and within these self-judgments not realizing that these come up automatically by the word of rejection, without looking at the situation, what happened, how it happened, why it happened.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being rejected as then I would automatically fall into self-judgement of I am not good enough/bad/horrible and within that fear I focus on not being rejected and by that starting point I am not fully here within self-expression, but always looking at angles of how and why I could become rejected and working against it, and within that actually making it real without realizing it.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I fear from being rejected by myself, meaning when I am being triggered with the word ‘rejected‘ – by someone else for instance, then I do judge myself as ‘rejected’ and thus automatically defining myself as not good enough/bad, etc, and then I fall into that anger and self-hate, which I do not like, as if it happens I believe that it’s true, meaning all my life was mistake and I am failure and within all these not realizing that it’s a domino effect in my mind, one triggers another from something real going into totally surreal.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the petrifying fear of being rejected was always self-accepted within me, and within last years I did not face, experience it because I made myself believe that I do not care, there is nothing or noone who I would care about, of if I would be rejected, I would not care or matter for me, and all of a sudden here is someone and something I care for, would like to walk towards, expand with and walk into as my life, and facing extreme fear from rejection and within that not realizing that this fear of rejection was constantly within me, just I have suppressed it and I justified why I should not care before, and made my life to automatically avoid situations of this fear of rejection to be triggered, just now I obviously could not make myself believe that I don’t care as I do actually.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have tendencies to judge myself without realizing it, without recognizing the trigger points, without experiencing the energy rush, the disconnect from physical presence, breath and self-direction.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that judging myself, fearing from being rejected by myself or others is doubt and giving up on myself as within something happens and I define that I am done, I have fallen, and I believe that I can’t learn from it, I can’t realize, I can’t change, I can’t grow, prevent and solve – meanwhile if I look at things with common sense, the exact point I am facing – there might be actual solution, just I do not look, as busy focusing to reactions instead of solution itself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that it’s ok if someone rejects me as it might be just the best practical and supportive decision and action for the person to do and within not liking, defining as bad for me, I actually disregard the other within this equation, situation as instead of first to look at how and why the other made this decision, I immediately focus to my own interest, which is not to be rejected, but embraced, accepted.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I fall into despair and self-judgement any and every time I am being rejected by others, then I am basically ready to give up my decision, plan, motivation, direction on any resistance, difficulty or mistake, meanwhile also to recognize that it does not mean to completely disregard what others react/communicate/want, and yet still keep pushing, but it is to recognize that my approach might needs adjustment or simply to accept that what I want might not work in this specific scenario – the point is there is no rule, law, algorithm, what could be applied, but each time I must be reality aware and self-honest and thus make decision and action accordingly.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that being rejected does not mean that who I am is worthless, thus to accept to blame and bash myself whenever rejection comes into context as it is self-abuse, which I commit myself to stop.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not judge or punish myself when I am being rejected, then I might become psychopath and someone who does not care about what others want or not want and I would become this person who forces his will to others and within that not realizing that who I really am as Life expression, when and as I am present and self-directive, self-honest and considerate, I do not force myself to others, which I actually know already, thus this is an excuse to keep hooked on self-judgmental thoughts, energetic experiences, which I realize I have to stop, prevent and purify from myself completely.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from become a big ego and selfish person if I do not regulate and judge myself within with thoughts, feelings and emotions, and within that not realizing that these patterns are very limited forms of expression and all related to doubt and fear, thus any occurrence of these appear, I should self-investigate and take responsibility for stopping and re-aligning within direct action.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized my fear-based relationship with rejection, and my tendency to deny/suppress and avoid it by not trying to accomplish, achieve, get done things what I was not absolutely sure about that I will do/achieve/succeed – and thus not expanding, but remaining within my self-limitation cage to prevent myself facing and triggering the experience of rejection.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if someone rejects me, my idea, my approach, my plan, my proposal, etc – does not mean that I should fall into total self-doubt, fear and reaction of fear of loss, fear of fear and start judging myself as worthless and lost, but to realize that I did an approach and that approach in that specific situation did not work, that is all.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I gotta let this fear go and embrace rejection, to also see – it’s okay to be rejected, and the relevant thing is how I handle/understand/use this rejection for practical application.

  • When and as I am about to face a possibility, option, chance for rejection, I realize, remind myself that it’s OK to be rejected, I trust myself and I focus to do the best I can, which means also not worrying, fearing of rejection.
  • When and as I participate within fear of rejection, abandonment, I stop reacting and I snap out of it, I breathe, I re-align physically, and I look at the source of my rejection, what I should focus to apply the best practical way possible.
  • When and as I fear from being rejected by someone, I realize that I can have tendency to judge myself, to push and banish myself, thus I recognize this pattern and I do not give into it.
  • When and as I think that I am rejected, I stop judging myself as I am bad/not good enough, I take a deep breath immediately and I re-align with body awareness and embrace the fact that I am rejected, it’s about my approach within that situation, not entirely as who I am, thus I allow and direct myself to remain at the center of my being, within self-direction, self-trust and self-honesty and to accept it what it is and also to consider it might not entirely about me but of course the other is also walking their process and facing points, applying the best possible decision for their life, which is also to be respected in a way as I would like to be respected equally.
  • I commit myself to not go into self-judgement and self-punishment reactions when I am about to or being rejected and to focus for reality awareness, to understanding of specificity of the situation and to look for options and the decision of what I find as best practical approach from this point and moment now.
  • I commit myself to not give into the domino effect of from rejection to self-hate and suppression of anger, but to snap out of this chain-reaction at the beginning and when I inevitably see that I am about to or being rejected, I accept it, I do not judge, I embrace it and I remain present, unwavering and directive.
  • I commit myself to decompose all patterns, associations, personality traits in relation to rejection and within self-honesty to remove, stop, change all aspects what are tainted with, influenced by, controlled through fear and I let go the fear energy and experience.
  • I commit myself to develop self-trust and self-integrity, self-honesty and clarity when facing others, when asking for something I resist – and to consider rejection but not in an energetic reaction way, but as a valid option within the situation, thus use imagination constructively, not destructively as based on fear, but by really be aware of all practical options with respect.
  • I commit myself to always respect other’s decision and action to reject something from me as realizing, that’s maybe the best decision for the person and all I can do is to share, communicate more if I see that as reasonable to support the other to understand, but ultimately, it’s their choice to accept or reject me or my proposal or my offer or my support or myself in overall and I focus to ensure that I do all I can and see where that takes.
  • I commit myself to see/realize and understand that as I also reject something or someone sometimes, it’s also can be ok if I am being rejected and I should learn from it and to see what I can do better next time if the opportunity would present itself.
  • I commit myself to, if applicable, to not give up after one or more rejection(s), if it is something I am absolutely certain about that it’s the best for all participants.
  • I commit myself to realize that if someone keeps resisting me or my offer/action, etc, then it’s proving the situation to be obviously something I should re-consider, re-align, release, based on practical common sense.

BLAME

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the person who rejects me as projecting my self-anger towards someone who I try to project responsibility for, because I am not taking it, I am not applying it, thus I should take it all back to Self, Here.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever blame anyone or anything within this world and not realizing that it’s giving my power away as allowing myself to remain convinced that who I blame is/are the responsible, not me, thus also believing that I have no power over things.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify blaming someone by righteousness and not wanting to admit any mistake I might have made, but within the possession of blame and righteousness, I don’t even know if I made mistake or not, as if I would not like to know and then face the fact that I might have(made mistake).
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for experiences I am having within myself about rejection and not realizing that everything I feel within my thoughts, feelings and emotions are due to my own permissions, my own initiative, my own responsibility, and if I keep I project out this responsibility to others, I have no power over what’s going on within myself, thus I am just a puppet of my self-accepted personality patterns of fear.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have never looked at all the vast scale of experiences I can have within myself, from low to up, from enjoyment to resistances, from confusion to clarity – and did not realize that I can own all of these and to stand as unified and responsible and to see and understand that I cannot experience feel or think anything I would not give permission within myself to do, thus if I feel that I am being influenced to feel anyhow by someone else, it’s because I created automatic behavior in my mind to behave according to events, trigger points, experiences and if by anything I give into worry, fear, specifically fear of loss, fear of rejection, that means I must stop participate within these patterns and re-align with practical common sense and to look at reality, work with facts and become aware of what’s really happening here in the physical realm, where I can really work with others and actual events, not just within my mind to react and then to react to my reactions while trying to cope with what’s going on around me.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that until I do not take responsibility for all my life, events, experiences, then I have no chance to stand up and have ability to direct the things around me as I would always find a way to justify why I am the prey, the victim, the one who was hurt by forces outside of self, and this is self-defeat, self-dishonesty and self-diminishment, thus I commit myself to stop, prevent myself to blame or run from responsibility.

I am responsible for all the experiences, emotions, thoughts and feelings I am accepting and allowing, creating and accumulating within me and thus I stand up to them as self-reflection and to embrace without judgement, I understand without justification, I stop without reaction and I re-align without fear.

Leap of faith, stepping into the unknown

Each time I walk into something new, I am going to face an aspect of myself, which is not yet known, that’s why it’s new.
But in a sense, every day is new, even when I am within a perception of timeloop, when every day going to work, of a similar pattern repeating, actually there is structural similarity, but if I really look at it and into myself without judgement or reaction, each day is completely new, including opportunities, challenges and points to expand with.

I am grateful that I have the decision, the ability and the self-direction to change my life to something new and I am grateful for everyone who supported or still supports me, for those who I can thank for, I do, for those who I can’t directly thank to – I commit myself to not take it entirely personally and naturally express myself in a way of give as I have been received as I would like to receive.

In this world, where resources and opportunities seem so limited, it’s great to initiate and give if I am capable of – and it’s not even about money or material giving, but attention, just to be there for others or letting them know that I can be ‘here’ for them for anything they would require.

It’s something what I had to learn the hard and long way that if there is difficulty, it’s OK to accept and hell yes! to ASK for support as well – I was totally convinced that it’s the worst thing to ask for help as it means that I am weak and fool, compromised and vulnerable, but as I have learned more and more about how things are working in this world, without actual and personal judgement, I was fool not to accept support even when could have been great!

As it’s never about me, myself only, but everyone in my reality, close ones, more distanced ones, the whole humanity and existence as a whole in a way! And the sooner I can stand up, the quicker the world becomes a better place.

I was also convinced that it worth more if I do solve/stand up/help myself alone, because then I was the one, who did it, no one can say that it was not me, who helped myself, and also I was able to really prove that I am alone good enough.

So there can be seen a fear of not being good enough and the addiction possession to need to prove within this mind-possessive state of ‘me against the world’.

Whether we accept or not – humans are social beings and we are slightly or more directly all interconnected, thus to look at it by ‘me‘ – is quite limited – the opposite of being smart actually.

Intelligence does not mean it’s always advantage, especially if emotions and worries can cloud one’s mind, thus slowing down, stepping out from the chain of thoughts and energies, having a breath, a sip of water and to apply practical common sense is always the best action.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize and understand when I am stuck and not progressing, expanding, growing, releasing and really living in relation to a point or in general and within that not admitting that I could accept for some advice, support or help, but I do not want it, because then I would think that I am weak or incapable to help myself and within that not realizing it’s not about me but to be able to stand up as Life as effectively as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those who seem like they could and/or should ask for assistance, support, but they don’t and within that not realizing that I judge what I also am responsible for, therefore I do commit myself to always check, if I can really solve something and if not at the moment or would take too much time/effort, then I ask for support, assistance, to just open up to someone and share and within that might realize more.

I forgive myself that I feel rejected within offering my support and assistance to someone who does not want it, because thinks that it’s weakness and does not want to be compromised by that and thinking that it’s not the smartest thing due to pride and ego, and not realizing that also for me took quite significant amount of time and work on myself to realize that it’s the best practical common sense to always check if it’s suitable and self-honest to ask for support, help or just to open up.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I offer support or assistance to someone, I should first check if I need any support for me and am I able to stand firmly within that offering, commitment to support through the other until it’s necessary, within responsibility and self-honesty.

I commit myself to assist and support myself and if required, to ask for support and share as it’s OK for everyone to not walk this process of self-realization alone, especially as the mind can be tricky thing as the master of self-deception reflection, thus it’s always great idea to cross-reference all the information I/we perceive, think or being convinced of as sometimes it’s too late or some point to walk or realize would take too much time or opportunities would pass.

That’s it for today.

I have found a great support series about ‘abandoned‘ and fear of abandonment and self-forgiveness and standing up and related things I can open up within self. So I am currently listening and working on this point and will share soon of what I have realized.

  1. https://eqafe.com/p/abandoned-atlanteans-part-478
  2. https://eqafe.com/p/abandoned-part-2-atlanteans-part-479
  3. https://eqafe.com/p/abandoned-self-forgiveness-and-correction-atlanteans-part-480
  4. https://eqafe.com/p/abandoned-conclusion-atlanteans-part-481

Day 345 – Losing principle by emotional storm of fear

IMG_1030Recently I have been participating within emotions and during that period I disregarded some of the principles I have committed to live by, thus I see the self-correction and re-alignment to be required, which I share here. (It opens up a lot more as I walk it – added later)

Scenario: Due to feeling worried and upset, I did not respect others around me the way I previously committed myself to, which then also manifested consequences I did regret later.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get reactive with my worries and fears to the point of automatic justification for disregarding my decision, discipline and principle in general on how to prioritize attention and actions, and in this example as decided to do all I can to express my gratitude and respect for something I was given to, however, due to the overwhelming emotional conflict I accepted within, what lasted for hours, I lost track of my commitments due to the emotional confusion and pain I experienced.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if any justification appears on why to focus only to myself, my ‘feel bad’ experience – is purely self-interest based on fear of loss and fear of fear itself, as perceiving losing something I did not want to lose and not realizing that it’s a perception only and meanwhile facts, reality, others are still ‘here’ in my reality, who I disregard.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that fear of loss is fear of myself as within losing what I hold onto, as a relationship to keep ‘having’ within myself about the subject of fear to lose – and doing it so then in my mind I don’t need to face who I am within and without this relationship, as uncertain, worried, doubtful and unstable and within this, not realizing that what I fear from, I exactly manifest by accepting emotional reactions within myself, thus it’s the worst case scenario literally I focus and react to: I accept and experience fear, I manifest what I fear from and I lose what I do not want to lose.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that what I fear losing and I can lose, was in the first place never ‘mine’, but I defined it within my mind, got attached to it’s mental and emotional hope and comfort thus it’s all a mind-game, meanwhile reality moves, changes, but I am not in sync with it, therefore I am focusing to reacting to a problem, instead of focusing to direct solution and/or prevention.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within focusing to emotions, I am disregarding reality, and in fact my emotions are consequences, self-generated energetic effects of the source of the problem of perceived self-separation and as long as I do not directly focus to that origin point of the problem in terms of actual facts, circumstances, conditions, trigger point, its dynamics: I do not have enough understanding and reality awareness to be able to stop/change it, thus I will not understand how my self-sabotaging emotions are being self-generated, and I will not be able to solve the problem and to understand what is causing the emotional instability, causing me to not be able to live up to my commitments, principles, decisions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within emotional reactional mind- and body-state, I am not making good decisions, here ‘good’, meaning what is best for all participants, including myself in the situation, and thus, whenever making decision, first to clarify if I am not compromised with fear, worry, emotional hurt or petrification of chance of loss of something valuable for me – and if I am indeed compromised, I first stop, forgive myself, re-align, and change my stance, back to physical awareness and then re-assess the situation and make the decision of what and how to act.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry of being rejected, disregarded, thrown out and within that fear not realizing that it feels really bad to experience of such things, because I am not accepting, regarding and embracing myself here unconditionally within consistency, and exactly the very conditions I define of how and why I accepted to fear from rejection/disregard/thrown away, are the self-dishonesty points I have to stand up to and take responsibility for, as those points are what I don’t allow to live myself directly here, but needing something outside of me in the moment, at the exact situation I find myself within.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist applying self-forgiveness, realignment in real time at situations when I see myself being overwhelmed with fear and emotions, because believing, justifying that in that moment, while being among others, I do not have time, opportunity or the right moment to apply practical self-honest self-change, due to fear of missing out what’s here, and in that not realizing that if I am already ‘being within’ emotional reactions, I am in fact already missing out what’s here, thus this justification is not valid, it’s self-manipulative and the opposite of best practical common sense solution, but to intensify the problem.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I worry of being judged if I would ask for a moment, a little time to re-assess, to re-align, re-center myself while being in a conversation, communication, among with others, because I fear that others would judge me as crazy, slow, weird, not ‘professional’ in the sense of needing to take time for such simple actions, what others seem to not do ever and within that not realizing that to stop for some seconds to make the best practical common sense decision should not be resisted but applied naturally, whenever it’s possible.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is completely normal to tell the other(s) who I am communicating with that I recollect myself for a moment, I make the best approach by taking some deep breath and a little time to see this through, and within that, I can apply self-forgiveness within, or if possible, even making some notes, if necessary and it is alright, especially if I recognize that I am in so much worry and fear, and I can see how I have tendency to screw up things up based on by looking at my memories of being in fear, thus fear and worry states should not be accepted.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to directly remember and become aware of all the decisions I’ve made previously when ‘falling into’ emotional instability and thus not realizing that the practical way out of falling into the reality-disregarding emotional vortex is to specifically look at the points I am accepting and allowing to fall into with the reactions and to make a stand in a moment to stand up from it and express that decision until I am fully here – if I can’t snap out of it in a moment as it presents itself, then, I prepare myself for it by writing it and/or voicing it and pre-scripting of how exactly I am going to prevent myself falling into emotion, which in fact is admitting and accepting powerlessness.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within accepting falling into emotional reactions, I admit that I recognize that I can’t act the solution directly and immediately, and then I react to that self-acceptance with fear that I am going to remain like that and within that fear, fearing that this is who I am going to be and become from now on and believing that I can’t do anything about it, and then becoming worried and afraid, and within that energetic experience, I keep accepting me being powerless to do anything to solve the original problem, because I focus to judging my situation as ‘bad’ and not focusing to solution.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I use emotional worry, fear to stimulate myself into different mind state, wherein I hope that based on this ‘pressure’ and uncomfortability, I will start to act, to try to solve the problem and within that not realizing/seeing and understanding that with this, I am not directly here, I am influenced within my awareness by the emotion, the nature of the relationship to the point I react with and thus I am compromised and handicapped to not being able to make the best practical decision due to the experience of emotion/worry/fear.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I accept myself to exist within separation with my fear, meaning I am not equal with it, but it can come and go apparently, and also I can’t stop it – thus I accept it as more superior and directive than myself being here and not realizing that it’s a result of accumulated self-acceptance, and with accumulated effort of standing up moments I can break through and stop this pattern.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not focus to the actual source points of emotional instability directly and immediately when about to arise, which is, in this example: fear of rejection, disregard, fear of humiliation and disrespect and within that not realizing that the moment I start fearing of these happening to me, I am not acting directly and immediately to see: what I actually can do to prevent/stop reacting with these self-definition experiences, not being in the way of practical application for the original, source issue I face.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within emotional reaction state, I actually had a thought to still do what I committed to do, to share my respect and gratitude for what I was given to, but within the feeling hurt emotional experience and fear of rejection, I immediately disregarded that idea, and within that not realizing that the value I wanted to express, I equally disregarded, just as I feared to be disregarded, and within that not realizing that the self-expression I honestly wanted to live, I literally disregarded, and thus – in fact I disregarded myself, manifesting my fear to become real.

Self-corrective statements:

  • When and as I feel becoming emotional, when I start to worry or fear, I stop, I become aware of my physical body, it’s mass, gravity, it’s movement, how it is being alive, breathing, and to realize, it is the self-honest way to express myself and not to get reactive emotions. As the point and relevance here is not itself the physical details, but the self-decided and directed equalization of my awareness across and among my physical, mind and beingness in equality, thus I do not fall into any of those within and as consequential manifested self-separation through judgement and fear.
  • When and as I fear and worry, I realize I am accepting this and I can decide to stop, within that I look why do not I stop fearing, what is the value I fear losing, is that value I really have power over? It is to realize that what I fear from, I am already on the ‘have no power about’ side, and with the fear I accept it and justify it even further, so I can hide behind fear from powerlessness.
  • I commit myself to stop giving into the fear and to realize it is because I am not standing as equal as my fear, and thus I have no power over it, thus I can’t stop, I keep feeding, experiencing and being slave of it, because I, in fact fear to be equal with my fear, because within it I could see that it’s delusion, it’s nothing, but I do not want to realize, let go, because gives false hope, purpose, without needing to take responsibility and own my reality as who I am as LIFE.
  • When and as I worry that if I disrespect others while falling into worry and fear, rejection and disregard, I realize that it is, because I do not let go the fear of rejection, fear of disregard, because I do not want to be disregarded, which is in fact the self-created relationship with myself, but projected out to others, and not wanting to recognize the pattern of I am disregarding myself here, and noone else can be blamed and the only solution is to take all back to self and stop participating and let go everything I do not direct and to decide what practical action I can do and is it self-honest or not, and if not, then I let that go as well and focus to what potential I can live as LIFE.

This assisted me a lot and not much later I was able to see behind my fear and stop it with realizing what I was not seeing before. But I had to walk this whole rough period to support myself to stand up from it. I will continue with what I have realized and I am still applying, whenever the fear or judgement pops up in my mind and I immediately take responsibility and re-align Self Here as Life.

In advance: this 2 interviews are exceptional support for the same type of longer-term mind-possession I was within in relation to my fears and I suggest them to everyone:

 

Day 344 – Becoming ‘Unreactive’

20171022_160920About Feeling upset/hurt and reactive – which means a give up experience I see within and not liking it, and feeling bad about not doing and/or feeling that can’t do anything about it.

Well, not literally a give up experience, rather as a thought pattern and results in some fear of loss, fear of failure, a doubt, but it is rare and it relates to the changes I committed myself to live in my life as facing unknown, it’s not specific, in this sense in regarding to my decisions, actual commitments, this worry is not ‘personal’. It’s just mind stuff.
Although the specific reaction I participated within, that can’t be more personal.

How not react to this inner consequential outflow but focus to what I can act, prevent and solve is the topic today.

Not to react – yet – not to suppress either is also key, but that I will continue with later.

I have watched a film character review video essay on ‘James Bond’. Kind of silly, as whatever that character does in any of the Bond films is obviously pre-scripted, specialists worked for years on how he should act, react, not act or not react, how to move, what clothes to wear, what and how to say, etc.

But there was a great point in the review video, which I express here as it is related to what re-design of myself I am working currently with.

“How James Bond is the man of Action, but also he is the man of Inaction. He is unreactive, whenever his life isn’t immediately in danger. Bond doesn’t waste energy on needless anger, frustration, threats or worry. If he can change something to his benefit, he’ll act, otherwise, he just moves on. This makes sure that he doesn’t get stuck in his head reliving past mistakes or worrying about the future….What action needs to be taken to shift things?”

Within my process I realized similar to become effective. Well, the video explains it as starting point of ‘charisma and be liked’ – for me that’s not the point, but to trust myself and don’t go to reactions but to solving with direct actions.

Reaction, as ‘activity’ – well, more literally it’s ‘passivity’ – when I am emotionally reactive to the fact that I feel that I have no power to solve something I do not like, and thus I focus to the reaction, instead of trusting myself and to do to something to change the outcome, give myself the power to be able to solve the problem.

Someone insults me and I react – why? In this sense, until there is no actual threat – why to waste any energy?

Unreactive is a cool word in this sense.

Just look at little children – when they learn to walk – they fall and maybe cry, but then they keep learning and falling, and eventually will be able to walk – they don’t focus too much on reacting to a mistake meanwhile – they just move on. Great example.

  • I forgive myself that I have ever wasted any moment to go into emotional reactions and stop expressing, stop moving, stop trusting my actions and to focus to and go into the deep pits of my mind, instead of applying the ‘just do it’ with self-directed physical and presence, reality and circumstances-awareness.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized each and every single time when I am becoming reactive, emotional, going into worry, fear that at that moment I am delving into a ‘give up’ experience, and that I actually recognize and I start reacting to – thus I do not focus to the original point, but how I judge that according to my past, conclusions, convictions, memories, values, previously accepted and lived out fears and experiences.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within the moment of slipping into emotional reactions I have the opportunity and authority to snap out of it, and directly see the problem and to immediately act for the solution – and if it is not clear what action that might be, then the immediate action is the investigation, or making notes, or looking at surrounding ‘points’, things to understand in order to support the solution.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that each and every single time I give into fear and worry, a ‘reactive’, emotional negative experience, I am creating myself as this self-acceptance for giving up in relation to fear itself, and the point I connect with fear, as powerlessness, as doubt, as self-sabotage, and all the accumulation within grows and to be able to stand up to, I should accumulate the same with self-direction, stopping, assisting myself to come back, not give into fear, worry, hope, but to look what actions I can do here, today, tomorrow and do it, and if seems too difficult, instead of fearing and doubting, to look at how can I ask for support, assistance as realizing that it’s not about me, me, me, but the problem and it’s solution.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that resisting to ask for support based on fear of becoming vulnerable and weak is not valid as it also can happen that while accepting support I learn something and expand, so thus, next time I will be able to do it myself, and within this ‘I want to be independent, solve alone’ arrogant and ego-state of mind, in fact I am still within fear, which is not the most effective way, and then I shall ask that what’s more important here, me, and my righteousness, or solving the things ahead, which might involve others as well, and within that I only give more opportunity to not solve and then later more self-judgement to blame myself and justify why I need to fight more, alone, to another forms of vicious self-eating cycles, instead of just focus to what’s the best common sense option and go for it without hesitation.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I am not in immediate physical danger, there is no point to really take it personally and seriously to a way, when I should justify to get emotional and reactive, and if it is indeed life-threatening point I am facing, then anyway no point, time and reason to get into emotions, but immediate action, so it is to realize, I have to stand up to be able to say no and stop participating within reactions and to apply all efforts to actions.

It is possible to re-wire one’s behavior and personality and that self-transformation is simple, doable for anyone with simple steps and it’s extraordinary how much we can change within ourselves, and then living that among others as well, to be able to feel more directly, to enjoy and learn, expand and grow more freely and naturally. Supporting myself fruits supporting others more effectively as well, thus it’s indeed the best common sense decision and motivation to do a little bit of self-investigation and re-alignment here and there.

Day 343 – Sadness and blame – Self-forgiveness

IMG_3488Continuing with the realizations and self-correction of my process of suppression, emotional outburst, followed with sadness and loss experience.

For context, this is my last post, where started to open up my emotional and blaming fear.

These Self-forgiveness sentences are what I wrote first – notice that in overall the point I apply self-forgiveness to is my experiences, how I feel, and still blaming the other in somewhat hidden way to justify how I feel:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad, confused, anxious and somewhat traumatized as she rejected and left me, removed my contact from social networks and basically burned up all bridges to even reconnect. (was not true, but I felt like in that time)
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid to put out so much trust, work, hope and expectation to the future with a person who with we had great experiences and plans, but in reality it turned out to be not lasting, and I see the tendency to go into self-judgement and doubt and not realizing that it’s not only myself who is responsible for what is happening, but both of us and I have no influence, power, or even actual understanding of what the other thought, felt as was not mutual sharing since quite some time.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect the other to open up and communicate with me within my belief that it’s also her commitment that solve any conflict or misunderstanding within herself and ourselves as well, and within seeing the lack of it myself to become very direct and not considering that I stopped sharing gentleness and kindness, because of feeling hurt and fear of loss.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the solution, simplicity and common sense to want to process, solve, remove and transcend, while in fact there is initiative and opportunity to MOVE and DIRECT, EXPRESS and LIVE, and wanting to wallow into experiences and then wanting to clean myself up instead of just – not going “there”, but to start doing something which is here in my direct reality, meanwhile if I am distracted or not present, I apply self-forgiveness and self-corrective statement, self-commitment to come back here and let go the strive to go into conflict and judgement again and again and again, which is fear of letting go, even the fear itself.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself today as I had a laugh within which I was forgetting what happened, happens with me and then saying to myself ‘well, I should not feel good, horrible things just happened, so let’s just go back to be sad’ – and within that not realizing the self-abuse and self-punishment.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I got obsessive with reading my emails I send to the other to clarify or try to open up and communicate about points I saw as relevant to discuss about, while the other as communicated, ‘got shocked’ and completely shut down and decided to immediately end any contact with me, which then shocked me as well.

Writing already supported – to slow down, to not only decide but actually do start to forgive and correct myself, thus it’s really important to do it as soon as possible, instead of just fall into storms of emotions, which eventually everyone will realize – kind of waste of time and totally uncool experience. So when I wrote this, I was able to see that this is just the surface and going to continue with (for)-giving myself the understanding to see it more clearly and to realize of what could have done better.

I literally give for myself the opportunity to own all of my past, present and future.

And I move from what I did towards why I did:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt within the other not wanting to communicate with actual calls, but only with texting while I kept missing and longing for actual voice calls, and even when asked for it the other refused to do so and especially feeling hurt in the fact that after all of what we went through together, she did not even bother to tell me in call, just writing me good bye letter without asking or clarifying further. And within all of this focusing only to my feelings, not considering how she could have felt or experienced within this and also not considering that probably it’s the best she sees she can do now and I should respect it, understand it as if I would be in her place and would want to just end it all, then this was very effective.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak up or directly communicate when I already noticed the change within the nature of our communication and I thought that maybe I overreact, maybe it’s just me missing out, being lonely, while all I did was suppressing the point, not communicating, not purifying from within as well, so now cannot be known if it was relevant, practical or fear-related consideration.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel misunderstood and hurt when the other states that she thinks that I am within this relationship for profit and benefit plus advantages and within that realizing that what she perceives of me is completely different from how I experience or perceive, and within that trying to share my starting point to ensure that the other understands it, to be able to let go this fear but within that taking her worry personally and wanting to speak spicy or emotionally charged.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I had, experienced or hoped for was ‘true and real love’ – meanwhile not realizing that it was my hope and desire and I wanted to see it within the thing I was participating in my mind and when I felt it did burst as a bubble with the ‘good bye email’ – I experienced confusion and sadness, as seeing my bubble burst and to see what’s real behind it – myself with my hope and fear of loss – and focusing to the loss of what was not real – as I could have instead of seeing what is here, and still remains real within this all: the movement, the expansion, and still the possibility to step up, own and correct it and also the dedication and mistakes, the missed opportunities, to keep learning, changing and growing.

Next day I was writing again, starting with overall experiences and then right into self-forgiveness.

Also possible to expand towards understanding the other participant’s view, experiences, motivation, action with Self-forgiveness.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to look to the other person’s view, who might saw this as too heavy drama, blame and expectation, to be too busy and demanding, emotional and untrustworthy, and within that not realizing that the things I write indeed indicated that I am disappointed, frustrated and uncertain, meanwhile in fact wanted to communicate that this is what I am currently working through and it might not have to be shared but within that to see the hope I try to rely to, of ‘what if’ I could have not sent that email, then all would be fine, and not realizing that the very existence of that email was actual consequence of all not being fine in the first place.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope and fight for get back what I feel losing, and not letting it go unconditionally and focus to what is in front of me, here in this moment, today.
  • I breathe, I apply self-forgiveness and I expand, I grow and focus on releasing this emotional charge from my human physical body and with that also to practically learn and become able to let this go and focus to what’s here, what’s next and not go into desire, hope, sadness or fear and whenever would go – to realize it was the other persons’ decision, thus I trust that it is the best for her which indeed, in fact always was, and will be a priority to respect and support.

On the upcoming day I was able to more and more focus to the sadness experience with prevention and correction, and started to anchor myself further back here with the support of previously ‘walked’ realizations.

  • I commit myself to stop blaming, I commit myself to stop feeling sad, I commit myself to stop judging myself for what I have done or have not done and I commit myself to focus to what’s ahead, here, next, present.
  • I commit myself to make effort understand the other part’s motivation, experience and understanding.
  • I commit myself to anchor myself into and as physical presence with clear and effective, self-directed and practical mind.
  • I commit myself to communicate with gentleness and the way I would like to be communicated to.
  • I commit myself to recognize the effect of acting based on fear as manifesting it, thus to stop participate within any fear and to stop, forgive, write it down, remember it and recognize the trigger points, the existing self-dishonest relationships with specific words within my mind to be aware of, work with and be able to disengage, release.

These were just samples of the actual written Self-forgiveness, as some are personal points, and some are kind of repetitive, but further specification of the personal points to understand further and more precisely.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to ask the question what I am missing here, why I am surprised, what I can do to solve this in the way I really want – which is to correct myself, let go emotions and fear and focus to what can be done to make the other become aware that I made mistake which I am really correcting and thus offering her to re-consider her decision about our communication and relationship.

Eventually I was able to write a letter to the person wherein I take responsibility for all I did and what I have done wrong and why from my perspective, how should I have done and also to express my gratitude and respect for all we shared and grew together.

The other person recognized the process I have walked, also opened up additional points to share with me about the whole topic we ‘danced around’ and she also explained that there are things what better to keep to self as maybe it’s temporally, yet the pain what can cause with sharing would remain.

Very wise. Indeed, really learned the lesson and committing myself not do do this again – with anyone: to put out my doubt, worry, fear as emotional storm. My responsibility to clarify within self first, then to see what’s supportive and how to share that. So.
Also possible, if both parties are agreeing to – by recognizing – ‘hey, this and that is emerging, we should clarify things – in respective sharing and motivation’. Big difference, which I did not apply as I focused to my experiences of reacting to what I got back as feedback, and within that – I saw my fear within and I got afraid even further when seeing exactly the one thing happening, what I was afraid of – not by coincidence, but my ‘attitude’. Important to realize – when things seem dire and totally uncool – I might see my fear projected out and still there are things to do, or at least to try – instead of stopping to move, express, share and live – to just storm emotions within until they take over and I sit onto the blame-train to just rush, wherever it’s rails would lead me to.

On the next day I continued to open up sadness – and the overwhelming experience of it –  as it was kind of a fear of loss, a give up – not real give up – just a momentary emotion took over and until the energy lasted, I was trying to cope with the loss I perceived – but all was not real – and had to realize that sadness is OK for a moment, if it’s an expression, a living direction – but as an experience, an emotion, a mood – it’s just self-dishonesty.

What is ‘dangerous’ here is that within that fearful experience – I perceive that it is real, and based on that I react and act – and thus I solidify my relationship with a perception, which might not be real, but the more I participate within this pattern, the more it actually becomes. This is a key to each human to recognize about fear. I manifest my worst fear if I give into it.

It is Self-manipulation and Self-sabotage. Thus to forgive this too is common sense:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that if I allow sadness, as an emotion, a mood to cloud me – it’s not self-expression, it’s not self-direction, self-movement, but it’s a give up, a doubt, a failure due to fear experience, due to self-judgement, which is self-dishonest, and instead of investing into reactions, emotions, rather to still look to what I can do to correct my mistakes or if not, then to ensure how never to make them again and to move on.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that sadness and loss experience is a form of giving up, accepting what I perceive as final, because in a pattern of reality, I see my fear to manifest and I react to my fear, superimposed to facts, thus I cannot see what’s here, and within that give up – I give into the opposite of my utmost potential, justified with the perception of already seeing what can happen as worst, and not looking to see options to change the outcome, and within that not asking why not.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give up and become sad about it, and not being honest about it with myself that I am actually sad, because I give up and I am powerless about giving up, and feeling the thing I fear losing as lost, meanwhile it’s only lost within my perception of inflated fear in my mind, and in this sense, I give up what’s real to manifest my fear.
  • I forgive myself hat I have not realized that if I react with sadness – it means I am giving into the self-acceptance of powerlessness, thus it’s an indication of self-dishonesty and the need to step back and re-align with absolute self-honesty to see: it’s not about the other person, but about my giving up and trying to do it as I don’t know about it but if I really slow down within and look at it – I can discover, understand that all I experience, feel, react to and do or don’t do – all: I do, myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the same way as I give into give up and sadness, I also can direct myself to stop lye to myself and start becoming honest, no matter how brutal it might feel, but the first step is to align with reality and facts, and all the pain and reaction of suffering I go through meanwhile – is the realization of how much I took refugee within delusions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have blamed the other, projected doubt and fear to other, meanwhile with my sadness and un-named giving up experience, I was, who went into doubt and used the other’s behavior to justify this and feed into my fear, so then I can keep fearing to lose what is important.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within my decision to stand, to do, to act – is only myself and whatever and whenever I experience any emotional reaction – is all my responsibility – noone can make me disappointed, but myself, and within this to realize that I am not aware of how I am actually responsible for each and every single inner reaction and outer action I experience, participate within or express.

I can do whatever I want, but if I lie to myself – my whole life becomes a lie – everyone can have relationship with anyone, but if they lie to themselves in any way whatsoever meanwhile, that’s their responsibility – with themselves first – as then that is manifested in relation not only self but to the other as well, and then to blame is easy, but hurtful and actually not fair as all starts and stops with self.

Also the ‘I do whatever I want just never to lie to myself‘ – might sound like some Ayn Rand type of egoistic individualist rant – but in fact not, as if I am really-really honest with myself – I can’t lie about the fact of if I do bad things to others, then it’s in overall bad – which by I mean that I would not like to be done to myself for instance and as we are living in a closed system, everything goes around and only the uneducated minds do not realize that. So yes, I can do whatever I want, but also considering others as me as equals – otherwise I am not honest, but on a fake mind-trip. Equals, in the sense of walking same process, just with different situations, points, advantages, disadvantages, but the same type of Self-honesty we all face and should live.

That’s why everyone should be absolutely and very specific about to be honest with self all the time! That’s much more difficult than it sounds due to the preconditioning and imprinting of spoiled civilization norms and the accumulated consequence of endless times existing within self-dishonesty.

In a way, that’s why Process comes first – how would I want to love anyone until I can’t understand and live love to the person, who is always here: myself. I can ‘practise’ – ‘study’, ‘test’ and ‘learn’ how to understand and support this person, who is always here – with me: myself. Relationship with self – sounds weird at first – but if we look at it – everyone already has relationship with their mind, body for instance.

If I direct every movement, every word, if I write, keep diary/blog, to decompose mind-patterns and to decide what is supportive, what is not, what to expand with, what to stop: That’s practical love. Loving self is not ego, neither selfishness – those who are full of ego or ‘themselves’ – they are not really loving themselves, they are lost in the echo chamber of their mind, resulting with losing real connection, real empathy, real response-ability with others – that is not love, that is just evolution of the mind with the starting point of fear.

So, when being in relationship with someone – in a way – does not matter what type of relationship – to take responsibility for myself, to be able to stand – first – and then to share and care what’s relevant – thus literally expand myself with the same principles – well, technically, there is no separation then – as just self-expansion within living this practical, real, grounded, ‘physical’ love.

Physical, meaning cross-referenced with facts, actual, in this world, system-support. Not meant physical love as sex – although that also can be part of it, but in a very specific type of relationship. Just mentioning this not to be misunderstood of the phrase ‘physical love’.
It means practical, grounded, reliable, stable and clear – just like the matter around us, or our body, the breath – in relation to the mind – this is good start to cross-reference to assist and support with self-directing letting go delusions, fears, convictions, beliefs.

Taking out the garbage, dishwashing, cleaning the toilet, or taking initiative on something around the living area, house and own the responsibility reliably, to get problems or things to do from the other and solve it by myself, to remain consistent, to not get moody, to be able to listen and notice small things – these are just examples on what one can find about physical love – action on earth, what matters.

When one does not get immediate emotional energetic stimulation reward for things to do, those things are what can be de-prioritized, judged as inferior, mundane, not enjoyable – but its not true. Its all in my head and I can re-align perception to whats really best for all participants – in the house, family, etc. It’s the actual details one has to go into to find out what practical love could really mean, not the emotional love drama as in the movies. In the movies they don’t even go to toilet(or if they do, get killed probably in a morbidly strange way) —  its not real 🙂 , but what I do today, here is.

See – it’s tough – maybe just for me, maybe for others too – to engage on decomposing and re-defining the word love, especially as I have quite some years already with experiences, mistakes, falls, stand ups, memories, of some I have already walked with Self-forgiveness to change in relation to – and towards some: not yet and definitely going to – directly or just would come up in relation to some situation.

After all, I was able to apologize to the other person for my doubt, my fear, my worry and wanting attention and clarification, guarantee and to cling onto feelings and energies and to stick to practical living – it always depends on the type of relationship people are within, and in this situation: what we agreed on, what we meant by that, how we felt about it, what did we share about it and what we actually did.

Also important point – did she acted the best way possible? Could she also have extended to ‘save’ this? Certainly. It was up to her and was overwhelmed with extremely important things thus in that moment decided not to. It’s ok. This process here is about what I can take responsibility for and as I go along the way – I trust myself on what I accept and allow within my relationship – with myself – and other too. And in this sense, it’s my decision if I am still ok with her stepping out from this. I mean, if would be no mutual support and commitment and real action towards solutions and growth, then I’d obviously re-evaluate my commitment. Just sharing this point to others about when if someone would face a relationship what does not seem supportive at all and not everyone stands on the same side so to speak.

But here with this person I reacted and worried about, we do stand on the same side, and had to learn about expanding communication and self-responsibility this way.

It’s quite a difference from what I wrote first, what caused the ‘stirring in the water’ – and if I could have started like this, would have been such difference.

As I saw a potential of an outcome and I judged it and felt bad about it and focused to that option, what I did not like – and thus feeding it – instead of to see what I can do, to change the outcome with fall into reactions and stop moving.

But to be able not to react – often one has to forgive the already self-accepted patterns and automatic behaviour of being reactive – and for being able to change/stop that – one must understand it’s details to the utmost specificity. Not some magic mantra, if someone says it a million times, as believing that it would help with some vibration of universal love – that’s pretty much the definition of delusion. What I mean is to exactly be able to describe everything happened within self and in reality with words – to see the whole scenario as clear as possible – understanding motives, reasons, starting points and context – and thus to see what’s the source, the origin – and what was the trigger point. When next time would come, I see BEFORE activates, thus I can PREVENT my nasty, worried, emotional self to act out. This is a skill, can be learned and be effective with it, just like with riding a bike or learning language. It’s very specific and tedious process, but it works, no doubt. Worthy of every moment to spend time with, I guarantee.

This is – after – some time passed – my ‘new’ Self-forgiveness point to be added to the topic, what I have realized about it since then:

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I got stuck in a pattern, which I defined as something predictable, safe and hopeful, and when the pattern did not play anymore, I got worried, that this means – CHANGE means – bad as it leads to unknown, which is scary as within the darkness of unknown, I fear that the worst I can imagine would wait for me, thus not only hesitating to step into, but also fearing to acknowledge it, and triggering a frustration and sadness and not realizing I literally got afraid of my own mind-shadow, which made me try to run away while blaming the other.

– quite interesting.

Self-forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts any human can ever apply, as it can be directed to various types, forms and shapes of problems to understand more, to become more responsible and effective by becoming aware of the points one faces with the starting point of self-honesty and focus to practical understanding and self-directed change.

Any frustration, limitation, conflict or fear surfaces within me – I apply self-forgiveness to give the opportunity for myself to understand this point, to be able to cross-reference the factors and to see what’s real, relevant and supportive. And from that point of view – what I feel or being convinced about – should be re-evaluated with fully available information and understanding.

I will continue on an other point I have realized about being non-reactive and what I mean by that in a self-honest way and keep expanding on the realizations and self-forgiveness(to further specify and correct of what I wrote here) to support myself to keep walking from self-interest, fear and delusion to practical and living love.

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