Day 336 – Self forgiveness to deal with sadness

IMG_2383sWho I am with Self-forgiveness?

I am sharing my process of Self-forgiveness since almost ten years now and I’d like to reflect back on this extraordinary journey and discovery of self, a liberation, a re-alignment and change, which keeps continuing and expanding every day.

If anyone says or thinks – “I am done with self-forgiveness, there is nothing else to forgive” – I’d say that person should not be trusted. Why? Because that person

  • a) thinks that now ascended to another level – obviously only within the realms of ego
  • b) clearly sees that the job is certainly not yet done, but wants to appear that way for some reason – again, very cautious one should be with that person

It’s fascinating to see that so many people are keep preaching about god and jesus – while they have no idea about the depth – the actual debt – of forgiveness as through thought, word and deed within unification.

Fortunately – and unfortunately for many – the equation is very simple – there is no middle ground, any blame or justification, denial or resistance towards equality means that the person is still existing within the mesmerizing experience-series of self-interest.

And it’s alright – well, not for long, but until the moment of self-realization: there is no other choice but to embrace and acknowledge, accept and own the fact that I am responsible. Everyone is.

Each and every single human being is equally responsible for the current manifestation of earth.

It might sound silly, bad, or even offending, thus I’d suggest to say it aloud for a couple of times to let your own sound, voice and resonance to vibrate in the air, through your body and thus reach the mind as well to recognize, it’s a great opportunity to accumulate something what could support all.

I know, quite some people who have difficulty to understand the equality point within all’s process, and for myself I also have difficulty to try to explain.

For me, this immediately made sense when I first read it at ‘desteni.org’ – I am always equal and one with and as what I am located within/experiencing/expressing.

How can I not be equal and one with what is here, when I am always here.

I am telling here, literally here: it is not a physical pointer, this word what it refers to: here, but it’s a self-expression of who I am.

Or who I am NOT as a matter of fact, when I am not fully here, present, in this moment expressing directly with – into – and as – the physical substance, again: here, consistently.

So let’s walk a point emerged recently:

Yesterday I was very busy, I had a point what I took very seriously, something to do, accomplish, get done and I had extreme lot of difficulty, thus I could not do as I want and I got carried away with frustration several times.
It was fascinating to see that I want something soooooooo much, everything is here as opportunity to make me own the thing, to get it done, yet I was unable to. And the more I wanted, the less I progressed, like literally banging my head to a brick wall without anything changing, except my head feels more pressurized.

I was waving, energies were flowing through my mind, I got hooked into energy intensity, wanting to have more energy. After an exhausting day, I just could not rest, wanted to have more experience, so actually went out, I was driving on the highway to find some place to have dinner and I tried to compensate tiredness with energy.

So it’s this writing’s realization – that every day I can see patterns and there is no such thing as ‘I can’t become better version of myself anymore’ – that is self-delusion, well – self-deception actually. But the good thing about it that it always comes with a reason, a justification.

Why should I keep limited within this situation exactly? It’s actually fear, even the bravest soldiers can have this. I’ve met with seasoned veteran also, his point, to return home, to go to playground, where it’s peace – that freightened him, more than being on the warfield, where everything is more determined, simplistic, even if it means he faces high percentage of death.

So, my point here is that when I am tired, exhausted, I should not identify myself with that experience, as it ‘seems’ like sad, lack of energy, in a way even ‘depressed’ – and my past ‘tactic’ was to stimulate myself with intensified moments to have ‘higher vibration of energetic mind experiences’ – so then I do not feel that ‘low’.

But actually what I was dealing with was real tiredness.
So it’s a lesson to learn to be able to differentiate between real tiredness and mental/emotional tiredness(from doing the same pattern all the time and expecting same result but deep within knowing that this is not going to change(=definition of insanity), thus feeling sad about it, instead of doing something actually).

And I rested well, had more rest during this(next) day and had a coffee. Everything is more clear now, and one point to note to self that I also can have tendency to react more to others when I am exhausted. I talked with someone and I thought ‘she is really sad and not feeling good’ – and well, it was partially true, but what I ‘thought’ as extra – was completely my projection.

Well, it’s easy to say: don’t do that, like someone else would say: it’s common sense, come on, why would you need to spend hours with writing and forgiveness, why don’t you just be smart?

Accumulation and the simplest yet greatest math to understand is the key here:

1+1=2 – who I am is result of accumulation and it might just takes equal amount to change that – lack of self-honesty, disregard of common sense, awareness and responsibility was accumulated for so many days, that it’s patterns my mind and body became comfortable to do almost (or not completely) automatically. Enough to skip presence in one breath and these patterns can start acting out by themselves – well, these patterns are also me, so no escape from responsibility by separating my personality/behavior/character from self-identification.
But actually the solution is to become exactly aware of these and own them, embrace, don’t judge, and for a moment to accept who I am and thus to see the extent of insanity if I am still self-dishonest with a pattern.

Such as identifying myself, as who I am, in relation to feeling good or bad, stable or weak, when I am tired, exhausted.
In a way, then I am more vulnerable to my acceptances and allowances to own me, and they are just showing who I am today, but certainly not determining who I would have to remain so, as I can accumulate decision, commitment, honesty and motivation to change, step by step, breath by breath, day by day.

So when I write about the point I see as self-dishonest and want to change about it, it’s great that I realized it, but still there are dimensions to it what I simply HAVE TO aware of in order to be able to effectively and certainly change this point within me.

I might have insight of WHY I had, have tendency to want to identify myself energetic states, and defining myself as sad and depressed, when being tired.

Also the mind is really an energy-hungry mechanism, which I am sure that actual science has not yet looked at thus most of humanity has no idea about it within it’s utmost specificity.

Myself, also knowing about it only, because walking Desteni I Process online course and listening the extremely profound education found at http://eqafe.com – they are way ahead of our time in terms of understanding, actual support and practical solutions to personality, mental, emotional and in general self-support. It would be a great mistake to disregard this website and it’s content, especially for those, who are really interested about how consciousness, the human mind and in general creation works. Just remarkable.

So, everyone has their own mind-mojo to boost their ego, the bubble of self-interest, wherein people can retreat to and ‘rejuvenate’, to refresh, fill up and often it’s done with not absolutely self-honest action, but with abuse of self or others.

I mean, no offense to myself, but when I am exhausted, why can’t I just rest directly? What’s the problem with the tiredness experience, what I am going through actually within those moments, what I want to avoid?
This is relevant, and I understand that many require therapy from others, but with writing, self-honesty, DIP online courses, I can directly open up and walk through these points.

And although it sometimes brings up quite ‘not really to be proud of’ things, or even nasty patterns from the mind, but sharing here does not mean that I should be ashamed of – well, exactly the opposite – I am honoring myself to discover, understand and share these patterns as I also recognize that this is not really who I am, but at the moment this is I have take responsibility for.

But if I keep hiding it within myself, like a secret from others – that means I dont want others to see this within me – which in fact means I do not want/or I believe I can’t change this, so I am going to remain like this, that’s why I want to hide it. Which literally means I have no power over this -> not cool.
Rather to expose all secrets thus my mind can rest but not just by sharing with everyone, but by sharing how I am working on it to change.

I am sure of that’s the real power of social networks, sharing our inner in a structured way which can help to understand more, so then solutions can be found more effectively and broadly.
No judgement, if people share picture of their dinner, but I mostly focus on social networks to these kind of things: self-honesty, self-forgiveness, real intimacy, wanting to change, find out real potential, how to make love livable, not just a feeling or desire, how to deal with addictions, self-dishonesty, fears, resistances, and many of my contacts there do the same, so their post are more real, intimate in a way, which when I read it, I really can have insight of what they are actually going through.
They might also share some point I am also dealing with so can have actual support, or I would face similar issues later, or someone around me, so I can be supportive. That’s awesome actually.

Let’s open this restlessness/sad/energy crave point before finishing here.

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized, allowed myself to clearly see and understand, when I am exhausted to the point of not recognizing that I have tendency to become unstable and more susceptible to negative emotional patterns, with which I try to fight against, as not wanting to experience, face, or realize within; thus wanting to stimulate myself to experiences where I feel more energetic, uplifted or ‘dynamic’.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I fight myself within with energetic experiences, self-stimulation by wanting to feel good, eating sweets, all of a sudden becoming horny, needing lot of coffee or tea, go out to experience thrill – it is the moment I am trying to avoid to experience something within me, which exists in a way I don’t want or can’t change yet, but it’s too uncomfortable to remain within experiencing it.
  • I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself to be open and direct with myself to see why I feel the day as ‘unsatisfying’, even after a hard working day, so still wanting, needing more experience, yet it’s clear that I am exhausted and common sense suggests resting and relaxing.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the real point within myself, which I feel exposed to, vulnerable in relation to, when I am tired, thus not having energy to disregard within myself or get distracted from by my usual daily activities, habits – to realize what is – or are – the real thing(s) making me unsatisfied, restless and actually sad.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that what points I am bothered with, feeling unhappy and unsatisfied are the points I perceive myself being powerless in relation to, which I can’t change at the moment, or changing it requires consistent and constant self-movement, direction, change, application, work, effort and investment, which I convinced myself or excused myself from it that I can’t do it or it’s not quick enough solution.
  • I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself that I am frustrated about not getting what I want right now, and previously the things were like this I intentionally did let go, so I do not feel frustrated and I believed that is self-liberation, but actually accepting my limitations, and within these times I stick to my decisions, which of some requires longer time to manifest, but at the meantime, when I am not stable, present and self-honest, I can feel as not good enough, thus myself not being good enough, wanting to do more, stay awake more as well, as feeling I did not do all I could but wanting to, even when I am clearly in a state when I am not effective and already ‘burning my reserves’ in terms of physical energy.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within not wanting to rest at night I am being faced with a point of ‘I did not do everything I could’ as self-judgement, which I do not want to accept, however it’s already done – and also possible that I actually did, but just perceiving or believing I did not – because the things I move manifest slowly in physical real timeline and within my mind I imagined, dreamed, desired perfect and immediate solutions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within my mind what I imagine as perfect/desirable by itself has nothing to do with reality and if I do not relate, bring down to earth with viable plan, structuring, consideration and reality awareness, I am existing within delusion, thus self-dishonesty if I get frustrated about why not desire/fantasy come true.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I did not want to be honest with myself about the fact that I miss my girlfriend being with me as she travelled away and I always feared to be dependent and connected as did not want to have the missing experience, so rather I’ve closed myself down and did not get anyone that really close or define her as important part of my life, but with this person I decided to risk to really connect and thus experiencing missing her and and aspect of myself I’ve defined myself being able to fulfil with her.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that missing someone is alright, even being sad is okay, nothing to fear about that, but only self-honest if that is not influencing my stability, presence, ability to live up to my commitments, principles and self-expression.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that I would not be able to remain unaffected with sadness if I would really ‘give into it’, thus I always ensured that I never face this experience, but rather distract myself, justify why it’s OK not to give into sadness, however each time accumulating self-suppression which certainly catches up to me just not the way it would consider me and my stability, as equally so as I also not consider it what it is, as aspect of myself I try to separate from myself due to a fear I do not acknowledge, name and embrace and take responsibility for.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that sadness itself is not bad, it also can be a self-expression, what can be re-defined, thus to ensure that I am remaining honored to live words as equal as myself without compromising principle and self-honesty.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that behind my actual sadness experience is self-acceptance for things I believed not to be able to change, however within my current relationship with my sadness, it’s also an excuse – to be able to secretly release all the suppressed sadness I accumulated within me during my life but never really faced it and experienced it fully, only at very short period of times when I could not hold it anymore.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am really sad about the world, how humans are basically cannibals as literally eating each other up in terms of resources and opportunities to support life and feeling that I can’t do anything about it by myself and not realizing that change always starts with self here, thus I change myself, I express myself, I move myself and the world might resist me, but eventually I can make the world accept me, and I accumulate a certain change by one participant, which I have absolute power over, myself here. And within that realizing that my sadness is give up, give in, if I stop moving by sadness as energetic experience – and I can use sadness as a reference point to see what I can do and what I actually do.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that sadness makes me weaker, thus it’s my important interest to get rid of it and avoid it at all cost, and not realizing that I do not look at it’s source, I just want to contain and handle a consequence, which is not common sense, as prevention is the best cure, here: to be honest with myself in the first place to see of about what I feel sadness and why and how can I ensure that I do everything in my power to prevent that to happen, if actually preventable. For instance in my case – to rejoin with my partner as soon as possible, and for that to see what I have to do and then focus on doing that, and within this to see that sadness is not real, it’s just a cover up of when I do not do all I can, so it’s a cool reflection of inspiration to move.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress emotions on a daily basis as I realized if I allow them free roam within me, I compromise my common sense, logic and decision making, but not realizing that each emotion I do not face and deal with it – will remain here, in and as my body as myself and will return eventually, no escape, thus the solution here, which I did not realize to prevent myself to go into reactive-emotion-based behavior, and for that to be able to prevent I need to see the patterns, conditions, trigger points before falling into the reaction – thus literally re-writing my expression.

    So, just like it – I open up and see what’s behind emotions, memories, layers of personality.

And within writing – I am here, stable, directive, slowed down within, thus I can ‘read’ myself from within and by writing words down, I am becoming to be able to see more clearly of what’s happening within me and to also see if I am honest with myself or not.

It’s difficult to be absolutely honest with myself but that’s the only way that for longer term I prevent inner conflict to be created, and in that sense – it’s the most simple too – not in terms of doing what has to be done within self-honesty.

Also cool to write action points after realization:

  • When and as I am tired/exhausted – I recognize the tendency to get addicted to energy intensity, as when I am tired, I am more vulnerable to my temptations from my past patterns to stimulate and go into trance mode of ‘energy movement’ – which is not self-movement, but I feel like it, but within self-honesty I see that it’s self-delusion and if I accept that – I create inner conflict, which I can contain for so long until it bites me back – thus I relax, I rest – if my mind still moves when I want to rest – I use technique – relaxation, reading a book, eating, having shower, and then I rest. If I have not done all I could today when I am exhausted – I have to live with that but I’d rather focus to how I do not make the same mistake on the next day.
  • When and as I feel sad about missing someone or wanting to be with her, I realize that I am missing her expression of what I do not access within me directly for a reason and it’s my responsibility to be able to live aspects of myself regardless of others – however to miss someone is alright, so it’s ok to realize how much that person can mean for me – but if I allow myself to be compromised within stability, presence, expression – then it’s an excuse to give into temptations of energy experiences, which is again a kind of trance state in my mind, where I can disconnect from reality for a reason I do not want to know directly or wanting to hide from for a reason I do not want to word it and be aware of it, because then I would have to start changing myself.

So emotions are not bad – they all indicate self-separation, self-dishonesty, if they appear and try to imbalance or control me, especially if I become distracted from solutions, commitments and of consistent presence within self-expression – and actually I try to make myself be controlled with the energy of it, thus it’s all of me and my full responsibility to directly live, not through reactions, suppression, separation and judgement. So for that, I keep continuing and committing myself to decompose these patterns, what can be explored, understood with writing, saying and living words within unification.

Study yourself with DIP LITE, THE online & FREE course: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 335 – Self-Change with Self-forgiveness

change-with-sfSharing a point of looking back to a recent energetic reaction within my mind-body relationship, triggered by fear – and applying Self-honesty with Self-forgiveness to stop and prepare myself to prevent to repeat this automatic pattern.

Change one moment at a time. Structure yourself, your progress, your decision to not accept anything less than your true potential, which only can be discovered, manifested and truly lived with constant and consistent, disciplined and principled self-movement in and as this physical reality as unifying thoughts, words and deeds.

 

The video is my sound recording about the point with some imagery.

From the video quoting Self-forgiveness:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed patterns within my past to dictate what I should do, because I am not sure or in fear that I am not in control, therefore:
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I do not get what I want and within that not realizing that, that want I participate within is only about myself and my fear of not getting what I want, which simply means complete obsession and lost within self-interest, therefore I commit myself to stand up and stand within the principle of Equality and Oneness and I change.
  • When and as I see this energy to move, I change, I stop, I step out, I recognize, this is from my past, and therefore I move out within the energy and move into the Self-direction, the change, the recognition as who I am as I direct.

And by looking back, from the memory my fear comes from:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that worry and fear can help me to get what I want, because with that experience I get ‘tube-visioned’, so only focusing to the point of what I want, because of the fear, that otherwise, directly myself I could not get what I want.
  • And I forgive myself that I have not realized my starting point of wanting within the mind energy relationship through accepted definitions of words with memories and reacting to re-activating those, and thus not trusting myself directly here – not trusting that I can do, act, live what I decide, but through this relationship with my mind, which is self-dishonest.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized why it is self-dishonest to participate within energetic experiences of fear and worry, doubt and despair, as focusing to the side effect and not the core of the real issue I am experiencing myself as equal and one.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that my fear, doubt, despair and worry ALWAYS has explanation, justification within me, and until I am not becoming specifically aware of those word-based patterns by directly seeing them in front of me without reacting, until that I am not the directive principle here, but influences can stimulate, move and direct me, regardless of my decisions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I was in doubt and thus was afraid that my partner would leave me in my past and within that fearing that then I would need to be alone, so I could not get what I want, there would be noone to be with me, so then I would need to face myself directly, which I believed is undesirable, boring and limiting – and within these judgements, not realizing the actual opportunity to live self-honesty:
  • desire to be with someone in general, defining myself as boring, limited – and not looking to how to expand within these dimensions, but rather to just stimulate myself with someone I defined as great.
  • I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself about that I doubt myself, I fear myself ending up remaining alone, and projecting out the lack of self-trust, self-support and self-love by wanting to someone to trust me, support me and love me, because otherwise I can’t experience these qualities, as I am unable to do so alone, based on the original judgement, fears and limitations I accepted to became part of me.

– So this is like I can reveal that I fear losing the opportunity to override an original experience within myself of doubt, inability to support and love myself primarily.

Yes, this was the case, but I have changed, still changing, however this kind of pattern within my behavior still can be revealed after years of work within a specific situation, for instance mixed up with another set of memories of mine, with a specific individual I was within partnership before.

With her we had conflict, doubt, worry and even control-related self-dishonesty – I focus to myself and my responsibility, so here meaning within me, not focusing to other person, as I change myself first and she is long gone since years now anyway. But if not dealt with, a memory, a reaction, a fear pattern from the past, can remain as a splinter in the mind, and sooner or later one will face consequences, thus it’s common sense to go ahead of that and deal with it when I direct. This means I do not watch all the series, I initiate, I investigate, I prevent, I change. Actually great enjoyment to get to know myself and thus the human psyche in overall.

And after a pattern becomes more clear – also to see how and why it’s being triggered, when what exact point my partner says or reveals to me, I associate with – then I re-define what to do, ‘prescript’ myself in a way, this does not mean I become robotic – just giving a structure for a moment to myself to support with change, which takes time, and real action.

So these are layers of the consciousness. And one might think, well this can be just thought through while running in the forest for an hour.

Well, not really, thoughts can’t really be trusted as they come and go, also can trigger energetic experiences, emotions, feelings, another set of thoughts, which can compromise the ‘unbiased’ – self-honest ability to open up and walk through points within oneself.
Thus the writing, thus the recording of sound/video. Cross-reference, make notes, script and execute decisions. Sounds very machine-like, but discipline is suggested, although also not to become this rigid person, but also to have fun and enjoyment.

To learn this principle, skill, self-directed change from shyness, fear, addiction, inferiority, doubt or in overall lack of reason to live, shine and grow – investigate these supporting sites:

FREE Online course for essential skills to develop Self-honesty:
http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Self-supporting audio books for understanding the mind, behavior and existence from many angles:
http://eqafe.com

Participate in the forum and the community, or even ask for support about a point you got tired of accepting and wanting to grow out from:
http://desteni.org
http://forum.desteni.org

Day 333 – Worry and dealing with it

IMG_0532Today writing about Worry. I think I have been trough this recently.

I am stable in this moment, thus it’s time to look back, what was happening, why and to see, how to move forward from this.
I have committed myself to do several things of what I never did before and while finding my stable ground, learning practical experiences within these various ‘new’ areas, I am facing with some stumbling experience within.

I must clarify – I am much more stable than I ever was before, but still there is place for improvement, which might seem as some sort of obsession and mental fixation to strive for Self-Perfection, but it is nothing of that kind. It’s simply by looking into me and to answer the question –

Am I absolutely, brutally self honest about this very specific point I am looking at in this moment?

And if no, then I must change, otherwise I accumulate acceptance of self-dishonesty – willingly, which leads to where I exactly know what is, as I’ve been there before, that’s where I am actually ‘coming from’ here, also through this blog sharing, The Journey to Life, from self-dishonesty to dignity and honoring the best possible version of myself.
Recently I wrote a letter to someone, wherein I explained this (actually it’s a desteni interview with Gurdjieff, who I quoted, but that 2-3 minutes assisted me tremendously, thus I like to share it, maybe someone else also could find it supportive.)

The time for unification is here, I like this word, that’s why it’s my blog’s title as well, what I started in 2008: because if I put myself into and as these words:

I am already a unified man.

Then from this starting point I am able to see, feel and understand what I still have to open up, purify, remove and let go of from my core of my very being and thus to move forward, consistently without any doubt.

Worry, fear, doubt, uncertainty, fear of loss are certainly not unknown for me, especially within my conscious, thinking mind, thus I have the ability to deal with them in a way, what’s constructive and not just distraction and suppression, but actual, problem-preventive solution.
What I feel nowadays is a bit different, it’s more physical, deeper and direct as now my conscious mind is not blocking my way to do what I really want, but when I face with new situation, I can definitely hear my heartbeat in my ear and to realize that I only have myself in this moment to apply.

It’s similarly heightened experience, when one would imagine being in the jungle among wild animals and it’s about being in this moment, but not too afraid, because that would petrify or distract me.
It’s actually very self-empowering to see that who I really am is not really getting hurt or getting disappointed with rejections, mistakes or failures, as my current situation is not surviving in jungle against beasts, so it’s just a symbolism.

But still, there is this inherent, physical, resonant worry I feel and often it goes away as I move through it and I discover ‘an unknown’, I learn and expand, and some returns from time to time, until I do not become honest with myself about it and find a practical solution.
I used to be addicted to fear, at least a decade ago, I proudly shouted to anyone, I am not afraid of anything, but in fact, first and foremost, I was so afraid from myself, to be present, honest and truly open with myself. It’s so obvious, that if someone does not fear anyone, can face the worst in this world – they still can be afraid of themselves, it’s completely different scenario.

Actually, also myself, I was fueling my acting out as of not-fearing in the world by the inherent inner fear I constantly experienced on a physical, resonant level, just in relation and towards myself, here.
Sounds horrible, but I am sure of many, many people can relate to this, just maybe never explored their word-set to be able to write or say it as directly as exists.

Facing all I’ve ever done, from the nasty, the selfish, the evil – even if I am being considered as such a nice guy, each moment matters, not only in the mind, but within and as our physical body we accumulate. Each thought, feeling and emotion is being created, going through and essentially affecting, influencing, in a way transforming our own body, every day, hour and minute, constantly. Literally resonating, like a sound vibration energy, and thus, to believe that it does affect would be just unwise.

To be able to face, understand, stop and start changing our conscious mind, when the so praised ‘no thoughts’ can start to expand is just the first step within true transcendence of self-dishonesty and self-limitation.
It is, and always was and will be, our human physical body, the source and destination, which through – and as – we only can truly live in each moment.

After(and still) walking Desteni I Process courses since several years now, I see, that there is so much ahead, but without these years I’ve already walked, I still would be lost within my mind.

So, in short: physical body support, there are many more minds to transcend. The greatest ever made online ‘university‘ about transcendence, true psychology and the science of the human psyche is obviously EQAFE.COM.
There is nothing even slightly similar online what could be compared to this vast amount of theoretical and practical information database about how humans work from the consciousness and mind level.

I am grateful that this exists, especially the group behind it, who are truly inspirational within their consistent and restless effort to keep sharing more and more refined and relevant interviews to support real change and the betterment of humanity.
This is what I am going to do also: for my personal experience, resonant worry, facing the physical mind, to be able to take responsibility for this type of self-resistance and limitation, I check for interviews at EQAFE.COM.

After a minute, I’ve found a lot of support about worry:
https://eqafe.com/p/self-forgiveness-on-the-experience-of-worry

I just read this aloud several pages – I understand more about the nature of my worry, as walking through various aspects, starting points and dimensions of worry and I saw my own fear of loss, wanting to control, which then I can open up further to assist and support myself to be able to use my time much more effectively than spending it to useless, actually counter-productive worry.

So, even when I am not actively thinking about, still worry can be result of participating within it in the past and can be triggered by scenarios, experiences and it might even seems to be so direct that I could believe(justify) that this is so inherent that it’s part of me, who I am, but in fact it’s self-dishonesty to say something like that.

Also when people, parents justify their worry to the point of becoming ineffective, it’s self-dishonest.
I also see now, to look after a child, and when does something dangerous in the moment, it’s kind of scary, I have to jump to catch him, otherwise would suffer an accident.┬áBut I see that worry does not help, rather to be on point, disciplined, focused, present and to ensure that I do all I can to prevent the problems I would worry about.

  • So this is also a great way to transform, re-define worry, to use it creatively, with active, self-directed imagination, not that I would allow it to roam free and I become this worry-wart.
  • When I see worry, I stop, see what is the nature, subject and relationship of it and I see what I can do to ensure, this is prevented?And to also actually see, that there is place for worry if I am not doing everything I can to prevent the thing I worry about to happen.

Well, it’s actually common sense, as if I do all I can, there is no place and time for worry, right?

  • So whenever I worry, it’s a cross-referencing self-reflection point of I am not focusing to solution/prevention, thus I should re-align, self-forgive and initiate self-directed action.

Another support about worry:

Yes, for these interviews/documents, there is a price, but if I look at that an ordinary dinner in Europe is about 15-20 Euro, so to be able to stand up to and learn a lot about how to deal with worry, for a lifetime – I’d gladly support those, who do every day work for these interviews to become on-line(they are no corporation, no government support, just some very cool people)

Day 329 – Changing ‘Change’

IMG_2552s(Changing and enjoyment)

In my last blog post I ended up opening up beauty point in relation to power.
The more I focused to the word beauty in relation to the point I was initially motivated to purified by, the more I started to move effectively beyond reactions to beauty.
Well, that was, is, and going to be the plan – to not get distracted by overwhelming experiences, but yet being able to embrace, feel, resonate and move accordingly within the awareness of the current context I am finding myself within.

In relation to the person I initially was overwhelmed by distractions, reactions and thought-patterns about beauty, there is expression, exploration of self-movement and direction.
This is a change. And change is always uncertain, thus I had to realize that I am also changing in relation to change. Strange note, but that’s the ‘beauty’ – within decomposing and re-defining words: we can get to the very small building blocks of our personality, self-definition and to see how it’s actually working.
Just like in science exists ‘fuzzy logic’, which is a

“Fuzzy logic is a form of many-valued logic, which is employed to handle the concept of partial truth, where the truth value may range between completely true and completely false.”

If I exchange ‘true’ with positive and ‘false’ with negative – then it’s like a human individual’s interest.
And within fuzzy logic, there is Rule Matrix: that are, within the human language: words. Words build relationships, conditions, reactions, real program code, even when we are not aware of each of them.
So, with decomposing the thought-patterns, the definitions, and even the definition of definitions, if one has stable, consistent compass, direction, anchor and starting point – can turn all of one’s perception and world upside down and can decompose, self-liberate and then re-define oneself, literally word by word.
Within that – change – as a word, experience and action is quite an important one, as within the world, even within one’s mind and body – change is consistent. Inevitable. Thus, seems quite important, to also investigate one’s memories, automatic reactions, definitions and conditions ‘attached’ to this word.

Is there any fear, resistance towards any specific aspect, topic or part of me, what I do not want/dare/like to face, walk through? That is self-limitation and within practical common sense, it’s something, what should not be accepted, justified or protected.

Previously had tremendous amount of resistances toward changes, what I was not anticipating before.
Something thought-based and emotionally reacted had to occur in order to anticipate in a comfortable way, what was, at least to say ‘smoothing my path’ through all the uncertainties of facing the unknown during the ‘change’ phase.

So, in overall, my very relationship to the word, the action and actual experience of ‘change‘ is very specific, preordained and somewhat predictable.

Within change, as I mentioned before, I had to have this emotional involvement, a kind of ‘smooth high’, an ‘excitement’ to face the uncertainty, uncomfortability and unpredictability, what can come with change.

As I see, it’s related to lack of self-trust and clarity – as I was not trusting myself that I will be able to face and ‘handle’ situation ahead, I needed some extra stimulation, which originated from specific thoughts.

That I am not clearly seeing yet, thus I apply self-forgiveness to open up this point to see it more clearly.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to clearly see why and what I use to cope with change to compensate something not comfortable within myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the stress and anxiety I experience while facing unknown, challenge within trusting myself, and because of that stress, frustration: fear, I defined that I need a certain type of experience to compensate: as within my own self-defined mind’s fuzzy logic word-based rule-set: for balance out, equate with the ‘negative'(false) value I ‘automatically’ generated, I also automatically started to activate the ‘positive'(true) definition system.
    I forgive myself that I have not realized that my mind’s fuzzy logic system as false as negative, true as positive is completely self-created, not relevant to world and actual reality, but for my own relationship with myself in regarding to specific words, situations, experiences, conditions, here – change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve allowed to automatically focus to ‘positive’ experiences as not wanting to face and avoiding ‘negative’ experiences, thus trying to escape those, and not questioning and answering the actual real world relevance of my priority to ‘positive’ against ‘negative’, and within that not realizing that resisting negative is always something I should be cautious about and to ask immediately: why and how.
    I forgive myself that I have not realized that ‘avoiding’ negative actually means being owned by my own resistances and thus giving away my direction, power, movement and expression to something I am responsible for.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve accustomed to certain behavior with specific personalities to avoid ‘negative’ and within that avoidance still create ‘positive’ – and when facing, directing, living change – this behavior and personalities are not ‘protecting’ my interest anymore to avoid reality.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that resisting change is to resist facing the self-defined polarity system within me automatically influencing, directing me to a way what I have no power over, thus actually I am resisting to embrace an aspect of myself already existing within and as myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that resisting change is self-separation due to the polarity mind work definition/judgement system within through words, thoughts, emotional reactions, therefore not existing, expressing, moving and living as unified, as a whole, but as of refractions, defined by my self-defined relationships in my mind.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the extent of self-limitation due to polarity-based self-definition personality system, the lack of self-direction, self-stability, actual self-honesty, therefore not really seeing the point to self-investigate, self-purify, self-change – therefore it is crucial to continue opening up points within me, writing, sharing, walking through all the systems I find within and forgive myself unconditionally.

to be continued

 

Free Self-honesty course to direct self-change:

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 328 – Beauty continued to decompose

IMG_2251-EditContinuing with beauty. Particularly supportive this at the moment in my life.

Not as I would have problem with beauty or experience something beautiful, I guess it is quite nice. However who I am as life within absolute self-honesty brings up the realization and necessity of purifying this word: beauty to be able to directly experience, live and express without polarity, memories from the past, desires to the future, but anchored into and as this moment, right here, in and as the physical.

Why always bringing up the word and specificity of ‘physical‘?

What do I mean beauty in relation to the physical? Certainly sounds as I would mean to judge someone’s appearance according to the physical image. But it’s quite not.

It is NOT TO judge the person through the mind, about the interpretation of the physical picture, as beyond that there is equality existing on the physical substance awareness level.

In the current world, culture, or even ‘ancient scriptures’ – this is barely mentioned.

Everything of this system guides truth seekers towards consciousness, energy, mind, the light, visuals, bliss and beauty, but the real and ultimate reality is within and as the physical substance awareness level. That is why it is crucial, highly recommended and absolutely supportive to at least grasp this paradigm, which is quite frankly, within it’s full spectrum, still only shared through EQAFE.com, supported with courses of http:/desteniiprocess.com. That is why I keep mentioning it, not of any personal agenda, it’s that awesome! Even with the fact that some interviews are only available for some dollars. Well, running such a website has some costs and the individuals are uploading are normal people, no corporation, government or billionaire behind it. So, for me, it’s rather EQAFE to spend to than for beer or fancy latte in a posh uptown groovy place.

During my entire life, since I’ve gained consciousness, I was looking for answers, truth and actual power, and everything is here, with me, in and as my human flesh also, as that is the only gate, the key which through I can really live. No matter, how beautiful visions, feelings I can experience, but if not lived in the flesh, then it’s just a stimulating simulation. That is why this process of transformation with words within the Journey to Life.
And indeed, takes 7 years, and actually more, but it is the greatest investment one can have as it is directly self here.

This self-purification and re-definition process can open up a more direct experience, relationship, communication and expression, which is not based on what I like and what I do not like, but something much more.

Thus, I become aware of the pattern by being honest with myself through for-GIVING myself the clarity of where and why, how and when I specifically give into self-dishonesty and I genuinely want to stop participating within those patterns. And if I stop, then I can be free of such self-limitation.

My entire life has been vastly stimulated by the idea of beauty, I was also compromising myself to gain, experience and trying to get hooked to the energetic reactions I’ve defined as positive feedback to my own self-created idea of beauty, beautiful, as value, as identity.

The fact that I needed and wanted to be stimulated by experience and feelings in relation to beauty indicates that I am separated from the meaning of beauty through these mind-and thought, and energetic feeling processes, therefore I can only become one and equal with beauty itself, through the mind, but still separated from me. And that is a trap, never satisfying, always changing, unreliable starting point to live by. Therefore to decompose all those thought, reaction patterns and to allow to be vulnerable, to be open and directly embrace and experience the things – beyond beauty. And then to explore, what and how I could re-define beauty, the word and the EXPRESSION, not just an experience of beauty without polarity, to be able to live it without separation and limitation. It’s quite extraordinary process. Just as with each words. That is I walk here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a ‘balancing out’ mode in my mind according to beauty, as whenever I recognize the pattern that I went into judging someone based on looks, such as ‘she is good looking’ – and then to say ‘and she is also beautiful within’. Or ‘she has no beautiful body, but within, she is beautiful. Or ‘she is beautiful, but her pants is ugly’ – meaning there is polarity, good and bad – according to my own preference, thus interest.

I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself to acknowledge that when I go into the ‘beauty within’ about a person, I am balancing out the polarity system in my mind from the judgement of the look, the picture, the image of a person, to be able to make myself believe that I am not only considering the image, the picture, as that would make me feel as someone not profound, only looking the visual and not the actual being within and not realizing that this is all self-manipulation and justification to keep judging based on positive and negative and relate to that within self-interest automatically, and within that not realizing the inherent self-acceptance for pure self-interest existing on a subconscious level.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the value is not real, of what I give into beauty and being attracted to experiences, persons of interest about that self-defined beauty energetic experience to be able to be triggered, because this value is only based on my pre-defined judgements. If I would not be able to recall my definitions, memories, I would lose the entire ‘beauty construct’, thus also indicating, I never really actually ‘had’ it, but I made myself being able to constantly and consistently re-create these patterns within me to experience beauty, through my mind, but never directly – and without asking why not? What is the fear, the loss I do not want to embark to?

I forgive myself that I have not realized that beauty itself is just a word, and what meaning I give to it, that defines and creates my experience, my expression and actual living about it, thus if it is based on compensation, fear, then that will always be part of it, and thus me, which in itself is not the beauty definition I really would like to live.

I forgive myself that I have not realized how and when and why I define myself as opposite of beauty, wanting to be beautiful, but feeling that I can’t, therefore wanting to find a source of beauty so to speak to be able to any time judge it as beautiful, therefore experience beauty and within that not seeing when and why I do that, as when lacking it, or automatically accepting self-definition about defining myself not beautiful, not nice, ugly, unattractive and not realizing that whole construct I never yet explored, forgiven and transcended, because believing that is not significant in my life, but if it is still existing, influencing me today, then it is surely a priority to deal with.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to re-define my rate of beauty according to norms in the world, society, movies, magazines, and based on that seeing some parts of my visual representation as not as perfect as it could be, therefore should be, yet not really doing anything about it, but only judging myself, because within self-honesty, I also see that I should not try to ‘make myself to be more beautiful’ as it is based on a delusion, a fear, and if I would start to act upon it, that would mean that I am more fucked that I can feel myself when simply defining myself not beautiful.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the main reason of the whole addiction to experiencing beauty as not trusting myself, not loving myself, not LIVING myself unconditionally to my utmost potential consistently, therefore instead of doing all I can, when not doing so, judging myself as ‘bad boy’, and within that judge experience activating inner conflict, based on the actual and real self-acceptance within the starting point of doubt, fear – and to deal with that inner conflict, to manipulate and stimulate myself into experiences, for instance with beauty, and here, as what is acceptable in the world system for instance, to ‘have a beautiful partner’. Or to be around people I could automatically judge as beautiful, therefore feeling the value and experience it and no need to look into myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within looking beauty outside of me, I am not taking responsibility for the inner conflict I allow and create and within that also realizing that why need to be beautiful and within that also not realizing that beauty is power as I defined it, therefore compensating power with it.

Within beauty what Power I want to have access to?

Obviously attraction, respect and also more chance to success and better support from others, although not really consciously.

This is also kind of key, especially towards leadership, so I stop here for now, and will continue to decompose the patterns just unfolded.

Meanwhile, enjoy breath, and do not allow self-interested beauty to take over the practical common sense.

Also not the best to balance out beauty with simply saying ‘everyone is beautiful, or a glass of water is beautiful too’, etc – that is still compensating, eventually will create the same construct within. So better to walk through this once and for all.
And yes, beyond, after and through that, still one can express beauty, live beauty, but not in a self-limiting, craving, common sense-blinding way.

Each and every single one of us has to see to what extent should walk through the self-limiting mind patterns, this is mine, do not compare it to yours, best to be just absolutely self-honest with yourself and you can discover what is self-dishonest and thus should be stopped.

After a decade of this process, life is still not ‘easier’ but my goodness, a million times simpler as now starting to be able to KNOW myself and how to deal with points, when to apply how much effort to change a pattern, a behavior, to stop a worry, a fear, a pre-judgement, a self-limitation. Maybe someone else never had any self-dishonesty about beauty, can be(but still worth a try to check). So, that is it for now, thanks, enjoy, bye.

Day 327 – A beauty point

IMG_2225I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value and worth, power and energy into the design of judgement of beauty, as distraction, as self-interest, as self-definition and not realizing that this pattern, behavior and act separates from my self-created subject of my judgement, what I call beautiful and not being honest with myself within that to see – it is a fear to be one and with it or with the being, the person for a reason I did not yet want/dare/believed to be relevant explore, but within self-honesty, I should.

I forgive myself that I have not realized and being honest with myself to see/realize/understand that within me, beauty is a compensation for doubt, lack of self-trust and fear in a way I did not yet named, worded, became honest with myself in relation to.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the act of judgement of beauty is a gift for cross-referencing within me of what I am not yet standing absolutely within myself, thus it is not to be judged, suppressed, denied or projected away, but to embrace, be brutally honest with myself and take care of it as creator of my existence.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that fearing to be overwhelmed by beauty, to be mesmerized, controlled is self-dishonesty, because within seeing this relationship, I accept it, allow it to ‘happen’ while also seeing that this is not absolutely the greatest of my utmost potential, yet not doing everything I could to understand it further, deeper to be able to take responsibility for it and change my starting point and thus stop the self-created separation with the subject of my judgement of beauty.

I forgive myself that I have been afraid to lose the appreciation and enjoyment of beauty in this world, and within that also compensating with associating, thinking about, bringing up, reminding myself with horror to think, that if there is any horror or abuse, how could real and true, genuine and honest beauty exist, and with this construct being able to blame myself for defining something as beautiful, also manipulating myself to feel also bad and all the while not realizing that all of these are mind-games and nothing to do -at all- to live enjoyment of something I like, or not enjoying something I dislike, because it is based on patterns, judgements, thoughts, energetic experiences, feelings, emotions and not direct self-expression, self-movement, self-direction, thus all being in a way totally fake, and also on another way – seeing this too, yet not letting all go, not finding practical ways to stop participating in my mind, which is then from time to time making me realize that I am still self-dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense and the simplicity to purify my words, here: BEAUTY, to let go, get rid of and remove all associations with polarity system and also the very need and self-definition statements I am still unconsciously/consciously holding onto in regarding to any value, power or experience about beauty to be able to stand and not be controlled by any idea of any association to beauty, but to assist and support myself and others equally to live life without self-interest and the delusion of separation.

Day 325 – Leadership – Self-forgiveness part 1

IMG_0929I continue with Self-forgiveness and Self-corrective statements about my points what I see still influencing and undermining effective and self-honest self-leadership.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that leaders the only ones are responsible for the current state of the world and not realizing that they are also representing the current state of individuals altogether.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the empowerment, self-honesty and authority within taking initiative to live self-leadership, instead of waiting, looking outside for answers and solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist leadership, the word leading, not wanting to lead, to initiate, to take responsibility by believing that it would take away my freedom and not realizing that this resistance, denial and dishonesty is manifesting self-enslavement.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that leadership is not about leading others, having power over people and resources, but it is about who I am and what I express within that starting point, not really different than leading my individual life, just having greater consequences.

I forgive myself that I have believed that freedom means the least responsibility to have, the least to be reliable, counted, trusted or accounted for, thus I can do whatever I want, anytime I feel to, and thus being able to change my mind, my words, behaviour without causing much consequences and believing that to be freedom and not realizing that I am basically granting myself and giving permission to my mind to be unstable, unreliable and untrustworthy, even to myself, and of course, also for others.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the most responsibility I take in my individual life, or on existential level, the more opportunities I can have to expand my awareness, because to be able to really responsible, I have to become aware of what I am becoming responsible for and why, how I can apply what is the best interest for what I take responsibility for and thus I have to be able to see reality clearly and objectively, which is awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can procrastinate, postpone, wait with my awareness and responsibility process and standing up, and not realizing the more moments, breaths I wait, waste, the less opportunities I have to really live, therefore I must ensure to deal with as much efficiency and brutal self-honesty I can apply in regarding to not wait but to act immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being leader means to act serious, firm, grandiose, I must look and act well-shaped and consistently, I have to be able to be always in an example of this image I developed about leaders in my mind, mostly about the picture and my reactions to those pictures – and not seeing, realizing and understanding that leadership is not about the image, the specific behaviour, but the initiative, the living example and the support for others to also become leaders equally.

I forgive myself that I have desired power through leadership as seen in the world to compensate my perception of weaknesses within me and to fulfil my desires of not to be powerless and believing that with this kind of leadership power I would actually become powerful and not realizing that me, self here, would still remain powerless in relation to what I accept and allow within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy leaders for their abundance of resources, wealth and power and not realizing that it is a distraction from who I am here and what I am accepting and allowing what for I can be responsible for, what I can lead myself to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and therefore resist responsibility of having power over resources, people and in overall wealth, because of the resonant fear of I would abuse or waste it and then I would manifest irreversible consequences which I would regret, then I could not escape from self-judgement ever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and determine myself according to my mind, thoughts, emotions, memories, judgements and not realizing that it is a facade, a mechanical mirror mechanism to try to escape from embracing myself fully, entirely, unconditionally and within that bubble, I create self-separation delusion within the energetic experience of fear to be mesmerized to respond to that fear with self-interest, ending up dealing with manifested consequences of that fear, of that escape and disregarding the source, the core, which is me, here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within wanting to be become a perfect person first, then to become a leader is flawed, because the only way to become an effective leader is through actually living and walking it and along the walk to see what is self-dishonest, therefore to let go, and what is honourable and best for all and that to support.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that leaders actually do serve and if they act like masters, they are not leading by and as self-honesty, because if there is any master, then that is no leadership, but slavery, therefore in that situation every participant is responsible to support that leader, also the so called leader too to realize that they are consumed by self-interest, therefore abusing trust and power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from becoming a leader and then being tempted with power and abuse it, to not honour my principles, my direction, all life and within that fear not realizing the simple yet effective solution to directly look, investigate, answer what specifically I fear from and why and then apply practical common sense to stop it and move on.

I commit myself to take responsibility, initiative and empowerment to move myself, direct myself, change myself according to self-honesty, meaning if I see self-limitation, self-delusion, fear or judgement to influence and sabotage my actions not to be the best possible for all participants, then I apply self-forgiveness written, said aloud, within action.

I commit myself to take initiative to lead myself within self-honesty and honor life through and as me and my immediate reality for what I take responsibility for.

I commit myself to not stop living as an example for myself and others and thus to give what I would like to receive to others, the world and all of existence within equality and oneness.

I commit myself to stop imaginations and delusions to distort my process of self-honesty and trust in regarding leadership and leading.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I would be no good leader because I am a nice guy, too nice, too gentle and too polite and therefore I could not give orders or direction, because people would challenge me, then rebel and then denounce me, and then I would feel ashamed and lost and not realizing all the points within this single sentence to take responsibility for.
Well, this is interesting, I will continue with the point just opened up here.

But not in the next post – I will ‘break‘ this process for a moment and share my experiences and realizations about the recent Desteni meeting happened some weeks ago in Europe, because it was a remarkable event and experience and I am honored that I could be part of it.

In the meantime, as I often specify: EQAFE com is the best source for expand awareness about the mind, life, awareness and self in overall, so do not miss it, even if you are out of coins to afford some interviews – there are a LOT shared freely.

https://eqafe.com