Day 385 – Physical care resistances

P1020405Continuing from last post – hiccups within self-love and resistances to support myself

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the pattern of no movement without energy within myself and not developing the life-skills necessary to move without energy, the energy of the mind, the result of inner friction, judgement and polarity participation of positive and negative, based on self-interest.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that real motivation is without energy, meaning regardless if I am high/being positive or being low or negative, I keep moving, doing what I am committed to live in a consistent pace without giving into resistances or excuses or justifications.
  • I forgive myself that I have not admitted that I have been desiring for strength without also accepting self-limitations and not realizing that all my limitations within are self-made, to protect an idea of myself, and thus creating the inner friction, being split and gaining doubt, resulting in not expanding, instead of realizing the specificity of practical common sense and structuring and planning, decomposing inner complexity and building understanding of how things work in reality.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity of designing a plan, sticking to it and also finding self-respect, enjoyment and stability within progressing day by day to accumulate the results I want to see, and within that realizing that I only ‘design’ vague plans, rather being emotionally moved by desire, instead of ground to earth, sticking to physical action-kind of plan, what is simply doable step by step, such as scheduling and consideration, reality-awareness.
  • I forgive myself that I have not addressed my set of excuses and justifications I obey regularly, instead of writing down them, facing as they are, the reasoning, the ‘logic’ behind it and to understand what is the core point of this specific particular self-limitation I keep accepting and allowing.

Let’s start with a simple point: dentist.

I have at least two broken teeth, probably some more would require fixing, but as they do not hurt, I do not really care. Many experiences I had that it is horrible once this kind of pain happens and it’s like the car’s regular maintenance, service and revisioning: if one is not doing it, eventually the car just will break down, hopefully not causing accident, but still will be very uncomfortable and consequential experience.
One would anticipate and PREVENT such pain – as the fixing is inevitable, I know, I would immediately go if it would hurt – but I am bound by experience, moved by direct reactions to those direct experiences – and I can’t step beyond my current programming apparently. Thus, resulting in hoping for the pain to come as late as possible and until that enjoying the experience of not needing to think/plan/pay about it.

The reason I added the car experience, as there I am completely different – I am the one who even adds/schedules more check-ups, servicings, specifically maintaining friendly relationships with several mechanics, garages, so the car is always in good shape and just do all to prevent break-downs as this might being a little bit more expensive or time-consuming, but the result is more reliability, trust and stability.

Interestingly enough, as in my last blog also pronounced, I am pretty efficient with specific things/areas in my life, while at other areas I am the complete opposite.

It is not the first time observing care and kind of twisted way ‘love’ to be applied to others/other things by a person while neglecting oneself’s love.

And I know that I used to hate myself, kind of, and did not really like, or let’s say it: love myself, but during the last ten years, what I do and walk with Self-forgiveness, it is actually love, or at least figuring out the practicality of it.
The general approach is obvious, yet the specific aspects I mention are now clearly avoiding the care and love towards myself.

Not that this would be some fatal error one can’t correct, yet it is more direct and accumulative to measure when writing about it regularly, here in this blog.

That’s why I’ve created a to-do list some days ago, to start practising the most resisted areas of my life in regards to start caring and loving.

The money point is irrelevant, not as I would not afford a dentist, a doctor or buy a gym membership – and I know, many can’t, but I can at the moment.

This is the first to mark to never get into again thus, because it’s a weak excuse.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not going to dentist to fix my teeth, a doctor to check on my health, to pay for gym for exercising/swimming/sauna, because of lacking money, as in fact in each month my salary provides sufficient amount to support for these points, yet when about to choose to do so, I say it’s because of money – and in fact it is not, thus
    I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see within myself, to open up to myself, to communicate with myself about what is the reason I justify with money, while in fact there is something else I do not support myself with proper care of my physical body, and within that rather making myself believe that it’s because of money, while in fact it is because of the self-definition I hold onto of who I supposed to be in order to perceive myself as ‘good’, meanwhile obviously biased and self-dishonest.
  • I commit myself to STOP participating within financial excuses thoughts when about to support my physical body in general, but specifically about dentist, doctor and gym/swimming and anything about health within the practical, reality-awareness consideration.
  • When and as I think about dentist and thinking about ‘oh no, so much money’ – I stop and breathe, take a moment to clear this whole pattern of excuse and to realize – I can direct my budget as I want, and if I do not do it for supporting these things about self-care on physical level, it is because something else I do not want to admit or face, so I DO NOT GO into the money excuse point anymore and look further.

A list:

  • Dentist – uncomfortable, painful, expensive, takes many times to fix all issues
  • Doctor – too much time, can result in surprises such as further checks or treatment
  • Gym – judging gym-goers as selfish and vain, too fancy and time-consuming, never been, unknown

In general – time is also a factor, whereas to realize – how can I measure the time-wasting I regularly do – well not literally wasting time, for instance with entertainment, watching a TV-show, but sometimes yes, when watching funny and crazy videos on youtube for about ten-fifteen minutes a day.
Time is a topic for another day, just making marks on this here.

I can see patterns of resistances moving towards of those 3 topics. They are just examples of neglected self-care, but as seeing into those quite much already, they are excellent subjects of walking through those resistances while decomposing inner patterns, forgiving and changing in real time and exploring what is beyond these limitations in actual living.

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Day 384 – Physical strength mind decomposition

P1020356I wrote before about this point in this blog a couple years ago, but it’s great to re-check this point in regarding to the last post about self-image and self-love.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define muscular and strong men as not that smart, because I was defining myself as weak in comparison to them thus needing to compensate that inferiority with some superiority, as believing that I am smarter, meanwhile not admitting that it is irrelevant correlation most of the time.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I never need to care about my body as the superiority and real power comes from within, consciousness and a disciplined, trained and educated mind, meanwhile not admitting the various occasions when proving to be limiting to be physically weaker and unprepared for lots of activities.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I allowed to limit my potentials by a conviction based on polarity, inferiority and inner friction in terms of physical self-expression in and as my body.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define physical exercising and healthy movement, sport and intense physical work as despicable and inferior, because believed to be that it does not need mind, thinking, as I believed my strengths are there and not realizing all the while that no matter how powerful I experience myself in the mind, it’s source, my source, my real beingness is physical, thus this conviction and thus separation experience is self-dishonesty.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if somebody is exercising, it is due to their inferiority experience in the mind, or pure self-interest, vanity and not openly judging them, but secretly in my mind as in order to perceive myself as the opposite as I experience myself from time to time as powerless, I needed to define exercises as a sign of internal inferiority, meanwhile not realizing the self-separation and ridiculousness of my judgement and obvious manifested consequences, such as physical weakness and in general less than optimal fitness health and strength for my current living.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that the only way to exercise is through actual physical work, but preferably farming, because that is I grew up within and thus defining it to be normal and acceptable, meanwhile going to gym or do running or all other types of specific sports activities regularly, defining those as inferior, waste of time and avoidable due to the definition of vanity and ridiculousness.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am allowing myself to get possessed with ideas, judgments, limiting myself based on completely biased conclusions while not being able and not even willing to consider actual reality here, thus seeing how currently I am living and to see what’s practical and common sense to support myself on physical level, including exercise as well.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my body as not being as fit as used to be and judging myself as being fat just because not being skinny which I prefer, yet not wanting to realize that I was weaker and less stable in that time and me being skinny was also due to the extensive amount of inner conflict, stress and unhealthy lifestyle, literally eating myself up but regardless of this, defining thin as better looking, yet at the same time conflicting with myself wanting to be stronger and more stable thus becoming this rollercoaster in regarding to this point, automatically being triggered by thoughts and images.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity of common sense based on practicality and the ability to make a decision and try it out in reality while cross-referencing facts about what is actually supporting me and others the best.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could be much more strong if I would focus on actual training which sometimes desiring after, yet on every day level, almost always defining it as not priority and thus not allocating time to do it, especially not consistently, which I accept to judge as another ‘proof’ that I do not want it, yet not admitting, that it is not a real decision, rather a consequence of giving permission to my thoughts, feelings and emotions to influence, suggest, direct me to do or not do something.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that how much I can enjoy physical activities, also if it is a bit more intense, feeling like awakening from my mind-centered perception into actual physical expression, and the enjoyment of moving myself directly without any thought, feeling and emotion.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the fact that there is only one way to live self-honesty, which is through and as consistent physical self-expression, which I should discipline and commit myself to develop as an ability and if dedicated regular time to do supports with, then it is indeed common sense to live that without doubt or desire.
  • I forgive myself that I have not admitted an unconscious resistance to work with physical body directly, regularly, because then I would face all the layered manifestations of my mind, and facing those in and as the physical will not be comfortable or enjoyable, and giving into the temptation of the mind to go back into the bubble realm of ups and downs created by my mind, fueled by my beingness without taking responsibility directly.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those who regularly do sports defining them all being vain and selfish and thus supporting my justification why I should not do such and thus actually remaining in and as the mind as not giving the support of developing consistent physical expression, actually regardless of the nature of movement, if it is physical, exercise, intense or casual – but the direct walk through all the points of self-accepted self-dishonesty – here focusing to the judgement of body, desire to look and feel healthier and stronger.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry to start going to gym just because as knowing myself who I accept myself to be at the moment, knowing that I would have difficulty to do it regularly, and it’s not only about gym, but doing any kinds of specific physical activity, and instead of looking at why I resist regularity, such as defining it as not priority, waste of or too much time and focusing to decompose those patterns and forgive and walk through with self-commitment.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be physically stronger to believe that it would support me to be stronger within, as beingness, in as will and commitment and not realizing that separating myself from strength by condition, by body, by muscle, by definition, instead of forgiving all definitions of strength and to see how can I redefine strength and live it directly as self-expression unconditionally.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define strength related to physical power and look and defining myself lacking and thus accepting myself to give into resistances and temptations by defining myself as not being strong enough and also developing a desire to be stronger in hope that it would help me to walk through those resistances and stand up those temptations as well.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the temptation of doubt based on definitions of what strength is and how I would or should look or feel like physically in order to have that real strength and thus defining myself not being strong enough, and thus justifying that doubt, instead of looking what is the actual source of that doubt.

So – seeing this as a trap 22 – using physical body as an excuse and source of hope at the same time to not move, yet grow desire – and using that friction energy to initiate movement, such as exercising, yet once moving, there is no excuse or hope, thus no energy, and therefore no more ‘fuel’ to keep moving as it is not self-commitment, real decision, self-expression to move, but using energy to become animated based on those patterns – thus never being stuck, yet never also being free this limitation and cycle.

Fascinating, so it is definitely worth digging deeper, to be continued…

Meanwhile I suggest to check out EQAFE, as always, because it’s extremely supportive for all kinds of development and realization.

There is a cool, kind of ‘home-grown’ online community of Destonians, literally called: destonians.com, where people share and discuss similar points and support themselves and each other to stop self-limitations and walk through resistances, understand and achieve more.

 

Day 383 – Love thyself as thy neighbor

P1020387Within my recent post I was explaining about some doubt.
During my last DIP PRO online course‘s buddy chat this week, we’ve discovered a lot of points in relation to this doubt, which relate to my relationship with myself purely.

Thus, here exploring this relationship, first starting with judgements and hopes.

My judgments can be that I am not presentable enough, because of various points, which I have known since a while yet did not prioritize as to be solved for various reasons.

First of all, to care about myself would mean I am selfish, I am vain, I am buffoon.

So, I have a judgement, causing doubt, yet not doing anything about it as then I would be judged – by myself only actually – as someone I do not want to be judged as. So it seems like I am doomed to remain in doubt based on this, even if it’s mild or occasional, it still accumulates.

It’s actually another excuse that it’s mild or occasional – instead of realizing, only occurring when there is a specific situation, pressure point, thus always falling into it, so it’s not randomly occasional and rare, but actually very predictive and unavoidable.

The things I should care about are not extreme things, for instance to fix my teeth, go to dentist, which means time and money, prioritization and decision. Not as I would have horrible teeth, just I know, one or two should be fixed and of course, others to be prevented going wrong, this is normal self-care.

So let’s walk this…

  • I forgive myself that I have defined self-care as selfishness and not realizing that I still need it, yet projecting it to my partner’s role, thus defining dependency, separation and projection as natural expression of myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define taking care of myself, especially my health and healthy living as selfish or being a buffoon, and not realizing the reason I defined why I defined this and how it is self-dishonesty.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have defined taking care of myself being not masculine, feels as not being strong enough and defining taking care of myself as existing on a purely survival level, within of such only applying to me the bare minimum I require for living, such as sleeping, eating and anything in particular to feel good defining as self-interest,
    • yet within it not realizing that I have exceptions applied, such as about gadgets, computers, sound system and music instruments, as defining those to be necessary to be able to express myself and grow – and then not seeing that I neglect aspects within me, the same way as get obsessed with another aspects and there is no equal and healthy, natural balance, due to the domination of thinking mind energy pre-programming addiction I hold onto within self-definitions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that taking care of my body is not self-interest, including healthy amount of physical movement, dentistry and clothing and whenever I have the thought of de-prioritizing these needs, I stop and let the justifications to be examined with no energy, but practical common sense.
  • I forgive myself that I have defined the need of someone as a woman to take care of my body on a level what I neglect to give to myself by default, not literally, but something related to as mothers do with their kids, although not directly desiring it, feeling good and elevated when somebody does that without asking, and defining the person to be good partner potential by that.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other men who take care of themselves, especially who make themselves presentable, attractive and elegant, to define them to be parrots and who focus too much on the picture and not the inner self, and defining them to be lost and within that defining myself to be tuned to not do such things, to avoid judgement and not realizing that it’s not about what I do in terms of self-care, but who I am within in relation to self-honesty.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am creating inner conflict within myself by defining to be bad to take care of myself, yet would like to have it by others, and thus not being able to be whole and fully embracing, and because of that, when relating to myself to challenging or new situations, not trusting myself fully, not being confident and within that seeing that this lack I accept and allow, thus I am responsible for, so
    • I commit myself to see what I can do about it actually, such as to investigate what I want to do or have, be or become and see within self-honesty, what is acceptable and thus do it, or not acceptable, as based on some fear, and therefore forgiving, removing from my beingness within re-definition.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry to be judged if I take care of myself and being judged as fancy or as someone who is being lost in the system, of the matrix, because focusing on how I look, spending money on things what might not be priority, such as how my teeth are or how much I am fit and strong.

There is this point in regarding to physical representation, strength and my body which I am going to continue within the next post as seeing the judgments and definitions about that too required to be purified and self-forgiven and stopped.

  • I commit myself to stop focusing loving to others without including myself equally and within that realizing that love is only real if lived within self-honesty, which means taking care of myself as well without judgement, fear or doubt.
  • I commit myself to stop de-prioritizing health-related points within me due to obsessions with gadgets and blaming money to it.
  • I commit myself to stop fearing to start loving myself and trusting myself that I do not get lost within self-interest as I walk through the shadow of the mind until I am Here as Life as All as Equal as One.

 

Day 382 – Dance party mind self-correction

IMG_8646

All pictures are from other past events

(Oupps, this post became a bit longer than planned, apologies, just needed to walk through this all. I will focus more on structuring in the next post.)

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed to realize the simplicity within Disciplined Living as Self-honesty, whereas I keep expressing myself to direct myself through the mind, as physical expression in any and all moments, meaning whenever I see reaction, emotional buildup, doubtful thoughts, I disengage within understanding and re-aligning with practical common sense.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the tendency of accepting self-dishonesty in any specific aspects of my every day living is what I need to pinpoint with wording and not forgetting those in order to be able to recognize the pattern BEFORE participating.

I really enjoy to be at new situations, and if I look at it with virgin eye, especially living after some decades – there is always a pattern, such as relating to something from my past – and the fallacy into self-dishonesty is something I have to work on becoming aware of, basically all the time.

I was out with my colleagues, bar and clubbing experience. Most of them were drunk, I was completely sober. My mind was flooded with all kinds of patterns to relate, to categorize and justify based on my past and I had to admit that regardless of all my efforts to remain present, directive, some of those patterns were triggered and I got ‘under the influence’ of several specific convictions.

It was fascinating to discover what are the specific points I was reacting to and thus slipping back to my obviously self-dishonest patterns.

I do not really see that the exact details and patterns do matter this much to others, however the structured walk through those could be assisting to others as well.

And of course, it is definitely supporting me to walk through, thus it’s a genuine self-enjoyment to write and share these as it is literally The Journey To Life from Consciousness System to Living Awareness.

Let’s walk some of those patterns here, what went through my mind:

The music was crap, some retro-pop, the sound system was sounding horribly, was calibrated wrong and were bashing my ears quite much, every time we had to talk, had to shout.

The music itself was mostly very repetitive and primitive to my taste and even the DJ and his mixing abilities were atrocious, thus mostly was a direct crossfade to completely different vibes, rhythms or types.

My friends were so drunk, they could not care less about what we were dancing to, and their full-blown careless enjoyment in fact tainted me to elevate me from the ridiculousness of the music and sounds to actual enjoyment anyway.

There were ladies, actually many, mostly were gangs of 3-6, they were also kind of illuminated and most of them seemed to enjoy the music thus were dancing to their individual preferences. I speak about Ace of Base, Shakira and all other kinds of pop I do not really recognize or know.
It seemed normal to have fun with them as just with anyone else, although I know that I am good with dancing and moving, I just did not really feel right to directly contact or interact with them, which was interesting to notice, so I looked further why.

Some were more open to interact with our group, some weren’t – I was wondering if I should now engage or not, some of them seemed to be even attractive to my norms to a certain extent, and when I was wondering about that, I just kept finding reasons and justifications why not to – I mean if I really look anyone, I can find imperfection, especially in a badly lighted drunken dancefloor, and I realized this is just weird not to enjoy and have fun, but to squander around in my mind to decide if I want or not to get closer to women as for fun or potential friendship or even partnership. Typical mind-slippery slope, one becomes righteous and what thoughts come, just accept as self and becomes so, directed by and completely inferior to.

That moment of stopping self-expression during dance was enough to get a ‘feeling weird’ moment among them and I decided to decide (funny) not to care about women and my desire to ‘get’ a woman.
“I am with my friends, there is a reason to this party, so that’s why I am here, period.”

But I saw, it’s obviously a stinky reasoning – as it came, and why, I saw, I am limiting myself by some unadmitted fear.

Of course, this was just seconds in the party, but due to extensive amount of experience and exploration on dance floors in my past, this is truly one of my ‘I am at home’ situations, thus this uncomfortability was shaken off in less than a minute, but I saw several points what I am lacking to directly be aware of and position myself to a stable, consistent, self-trusting self-agreement about the surfaced points.

And just as life could not be more fun, after all the excuses of ‘there is noone here who would really make me being interested’, I have noticed a lady who just seemed like out of perfection to my personally pre-programmed desirable image and likeness, and I had to realize the ridiculousness of my current mind-setup about this.

I walked through the crowd and looked into her eyes and it ‘seemed’ that there is a mutual interest, like ‘hey, you seem interesting, hm’ – but in that minute we were about to leave as my team’s decision, which, actually I have initiated to resonate among us and they all agreed upon already, so I left with a quirky smile on my face.

There is no rocket science of that triggering about why this ‘she is grand’ condition was activated – she had cute and attractive face, tall and thin body with a dress just revealing enough in a still socially acceptable way. It’s probably just for me, but she was like a swan among ducks to me and in that moment I also realized, I am just falling into this pattern, well, not the first time in my life.

Even within that ‘sweet’ mind-high moment of judging her as pleasant, her heels were quite high which I clearly remember, defined as ‘hmm maybe too much’ but in overall, this was still like ‘hmm, cool’.

Also, by reflecting back from her, I felt my body, face and dressing to be uninteresting and kind of inferior towards the judgments I have projected towards her and thus I even had a slight doubt, as I just went out to a pub to say good bye to a resigning colleague friend, and the night turned into this club-dancing blast.

And of course, she was with a guy, who she was smiling with, thus I concluded, she might have a boyfriend already, probably, so this is just it and let’s just move on. *Sigh.

I felt that I should stretch my spine to stand as more straight and push my chest forward, my chin up as I started to lose my presence into the mind completely, thus these physical alignment points are here to assist me to return HERE with common sense, instead of keep falling into justifications, doubt and self-limitation. So then I was able to step out from this pattern eventually with a big deep breath from the cool city air outside.

This is kind of a start for establishing a sort of physical timeline of points I see, can directly realize as points of self-dishonest participation within my mind.

Relevant to note, there is nothing wrong, I am certain of, if I have preferences, decisions and I act upon those, especially about partnership, however when I am influenced by my past, which I have not yet walked to forgive, understand and let go, based on convictions, definitions, another self-dishonest reactions, then I am literally gullible to act upon something which is not resulting to direct self-expression within honesty with myself to the utmost, as probably not really and directly relevant to what is actually here in real time.
Or if putting so much attention to one aspect only, such as visuals, I am might be possessed or obsessed with it for a reason what might also hide self-dishonesty, which again: deserves self-introspection and if needed: correction as well. Not saying one should not consider the look as well, but when one has the tendency to just ‘fall’ into someone based on that only, that’s a good sign that it’s probably a massive mind-construct is waiting to be walked through.

One might argue, why to strive and struggle towards something like ‘utmost, perfect honesty with myself’, as everyone has their own past and moments of doubts and worries, preferences and illogical things, that makes us humans – it’s just I do not accept myself to remain limited, especially not by my own self-limitations based on something I did or believed, feared of or desired in the past.

Also there were several reference points which made me compare myself in a kind of ‘right’ way with others, for instance there was one of my friends, who had no difficulty to approach ladies, hold their hands, dance with them, although there was nothing sexual or mating about it – for instance he is married and still, he can dance with ladies in a ‘respectable’ way and I saw that this is the case, he just had some fun moments without considered to be cheating. I was pretty sure about that he had no intent to pick up ladies, he just had some ‘normal’ dance and fun.

I saw that I am not like that, I am rather a bit antisocial in this sense, as I do not approach ladies, even just as part of the ‘normal’ fun on the dancefloor.

My type of parties, I used to conditioned to were mostly trance parties, where people are a bit more isolated as many can be on drugs and have the stimulation coming from inside more than outside, not generally always being this the case, but that I was more comfortable with.
When visited folk music events for instance, it’s more about everyone interacting, dancing, holding hands, shoulders, hips and do some ‘traditional-like’ dancings, which I never got absolutely comfortable with, and it’s like a trap of 22 – I do not have enough experience and skill to do that, but because of that I do not even try to do it, thus will not have experience, and thus I am doomed to avoid it, yet kind of missing it as well.
Because of worry if I make mistake or not being able to do a perfect way instantly – and it is a typical self-dishonesty point as well.

IMG_0599There were ‘gate’ points wherein I saw the opportunity to bridge through my experienced isolation, for instance with those ladies, who were ‘not my type’ (I quote points what are kind of mind-patterns just to be more obvious in this writing), yet I fell into the definition of objects, thus I had this separation experience as them there, vs me here.
So I had the intent to release a desire and find target for it, and in the process of ‘matching’ out there to the subject for it, I lost my ability to really connect with them, regardless of the ‘matching’ process of ‘true or false’.

As with the ones I concluded as ‘not interested really’ – based on behavior and how they look, I decided to not even try to interact with them on the dancefloor, kind of ignoring them, while in a way I also noticed the same they seemed doing with me, just ignoring me, although we were a meter away.

This is something I can relate to with my experience at goa trance parties experience, when I am ‘whole’ – there is no them or me, separation or even desire – rather seems like a safe, mischievous game.

Also at times, when I went there with ladies I know, we always had a blast together, great connection, dance and flow, but then it was obvious from the beginning, we arrived together, had fun together too, was no need to do ‘first contact’.
Either way, I was preprogrammed of when and how I am comfortable and certain.

And this way it SEEMS unlimited, because of the rules I’ve formed already and in between those I am confident, safe and free. But the moment I disregard a single rule, I am about to experience friction.

One for instance: not to try to pick up a lady there. Many occasions there were quite obvious signs that ladies showed interest to connect with me on various levels, even just dancing with or talking to – I used to say – I am not here to date, but dance and have fun with my friends.

This came back again – not that women were ‘hitting on’ me, just they were so close, I was triggered by my suppressed desire and judgments of beauty and attraction.

And all of a sudden I find my limitations – shall I or how to approach them, what if something is not great, I would be refused for instance or turns out the lady I get together with is not someone I would date for long term, what if my hair is wrong, all the stupid worries a teenager boy would think of in front of a lady he likes.

So then, at this party, as it was different than I used to go to – had to ‘realign’ with my rules, and then I stated – I am here just for fun with my friends, not to get women.
All of a sudden all is more clear again, I do not have friction, I kind of relax, no need to hunt, no need to look all the 50 points I should consider.

I guess, that’s why people drink alcohol, so those mind-systems are inhibited, so people just engage, try and see what happens.
Meanwhile other part of their mind-system is boosted, such as desire, directness, so they feel empowered to do things uninhibited, things they would not do sober.

So this is just an example of how much one can see and work with one’s self-dishonesty and self-limiting mind to reveal.

Also, it is the first step to acknowledge, to write down, and then the investigation starts, why and how I got to this point, what exactly happened in the physical timeline in relation to reality around me, what I did, felt and thought.

This allows me to start applying self-forgiveness on the patterns of self-dishonesty, what I have allowed and accepted to become me, but I give myself a chance to change, to stop and discover another ways to act in these specific situations.

It might take a while, days, weeks, sometimes even months to walk through big points within, but once real change starts, I guarantee that everyone would say ‘yes, it is worthy’ as we actually do not know how much limitation we accept within ourselves until we start unshackling those chains and discover how much free and enjoyable our life can be if really becoming self-honest.

For instance a question: why would be a problem if I approach a lady and she would say no?
It’s alright – she has the right – am I less if she says no? No.
I mean the exact same thing I expect me to have – the ability to say no to a person who I do not want to be with.

If then the fear kicks in of what if all ladies who I like say no, then what I should do?
Am I then remaining alone forever? No – but in the mind, time is quite a relative thing, fear really can bend it, thus seems scary and final, but in reality – there are other opportunities, maybe even at the same party, maybe on an another next day or week.
Or if not, then I might need to reconsider my attitude, my approach, my presentation, starting point, selection or desire.

So if one has the ability to see through these patterns with practical common sense, then these typical things, for what we tend to apply rules to protect ourselves from experiences we define as uncomfortable, such as rejection, self-judgement.

But has to take the time to slow down within to see each details – and it is a skill, an ability, which has to be developed, grown, become, and takes effort and time.

That’s why writing a diary, a blog with the starting point of self-honesty(no finger pointing to others, no blame, but bringing back all to self and to see if am I accepting any belief, hope or lie and if so, to commit myself to stop it and find a practical way to do so)

Desteni I Process LITE is the perfect introductory course for the basics, as one can do it online for free, with daily, short assignments and a guide there, who already know how to walk this understanding and self-honesty change.

The Desteni I Process PRO course is for deeper understanding, that is where the physical timelines are being walked, to find not just conscious patterns, but subconscious too, to be able to understand – and change – more with more disciplined, and more assignments. There is also a buddy in the system, who with one have regular chats to be assisted and cross-referenced through the establishment of self-honesty, meaning cross-referencing perception with facts, as human mind alone can be self-deceptive in a very convincing way, thus the another person, who already walked similar path. The DIP PRO course is not free, but it’s a significantly more effective way to support self-honesty. There is even a way to apply for sponsorship, so it’s not about the money, however if someone can pay the course fee, then supporting a whole network of other people who are supporting others, also developing similar new courses and of course, the website hosting and online presence also has some costs, what is nice to be covered.

It’s all about putting out there the support and make it obvious how people can assist themselves – as it’s always self-movement, no course exists what can change for us, we have to walk it, but there is a lot of people who are willing to support, the same way as they were also supported before.

I am going to walk the rest of self-forgiveness for my patterns shared for today to support understanding and prepare myself to find practical ways to stop those self-limitations and figure out what I really want and then live it within self-honesty.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the self-limitations I define myself in order to create a bubble of friction-free, conflict-avoiding experience for myself within excuses and justifications and convictions about why I do not want what makes me conflicted, fearful, anxious or worried.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from rejection in general, believing that it means I am not good enough, I am stupid, awkward and ugly, meanwhile if I look at it without any emotional pressure, just common sense, I would say, I am fine and it’s a self-sabotage, which is hiding layered another self-interest protection not to be discovered by me, such as not wanting to get attached to people, not want to compromise my perceived freedom and the fear of not being a nice person, if I would be honest the way actually I also would like to be honest with.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can any time expose my perpetuated self-honesty as a lie by not giving to others what I would like to receive in the situation of dating and partnership, because of the values I hold onto and self-definitions I try to follow in order to remain within the self-defined self-limited self-definition system, such as not wanting to reject others as I feel that I would feel bad if I would be rejected, meanwhile directly seeing that rejection is normal, everyone cannot say yes to everyone all the time to everything, it’s common sense.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see points within me with what I can generate self-judgement, resulting in doubt and self-compromising non-action mode, instead of applying common sense to all those points about what are those, what I can do about those, if I should and establish a clarity and self-agreement with myself, for instance how I find myself presentable and if not, why, what I should do about it and what is the extent I should go, and to see, if any fear is behind of any action, and then apply self-forgiveness and bring back myself to facts, reality, practicality here.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to give to others what I would like to receive, the ability to say no, or reject things I would offer, and fearing to be rejected, instead of accepting the ability to response and be responded to and thus form and grow, instead of falling into fear and not acting to avoid the things I fear, meanwhile what I really fear is just an inflated thing, in reality it’s absolutely no problem.
  • I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself about the points I can give into fear and thus speed up in my mind based on the scenarios I want to avoid and within that not seeing that some of those are completely alright, but I still accept to fear to face, such as rejection, someone’s judgement, being inexperienced or awkward in situations I did not allowed myself to experience or grow with, thus sabotaging my natural trust and grow.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to bastion myself around with excuses and justifications to specific situations in order to avoid friction inside and thus feeling conflicted within in order to not need to face these self-limitations and aspects of myself naturally wanting to grow, such as casual fun with females without objectifying.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge objectifying women as bad, however not being aware of how I can be participating in the same behavior without realizing, such as when being at a party and judging and reacting to women on the dancefloor based on how they look and how I rate them in my mind automatically to always establish an automatic approach of how much I am attracted to them based on their look, behavior and sound.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that I have a specific ‘type’ of women who I am attracted to, based on my past and preconditioning and not wanting to give up, but also not wanting to take responsibility for as believing to be limiting and not nice, yet not giving up either, thus not being certain, not being honest and not being directive within my actions either.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that some self-definitions I deliberately keep, even within walking the process of self-honesty as believing to have the right to do so and justifying it with that this is my true and natural self-expression, yet not being absolutely sure about it and thus allowing doubt about it, inner friction, causing me to be awkward and stumbling.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am not being clear towards women who are strangers and not yet placed in my social halo as ‘potential partner prospect’ or ‘accepted as not potential partner prospect’ and based on that not being sure how to behave with them, what’s appropriate or beneficial, and not realizing that this separation is self-dishonest, because completely relies and biased by my self-interest yet not wanting to admit it because then I would need to face the fact that I have to let it go completely, which I do not want to do for a reason I do not admit to myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not slow down within, backtrack and debug, understand and expose my mind-s movement within me at the moment of being triggered by ‘a striking beautiful woman’ to see what it is I am valuing, how and why.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized, admitted and acknowledged that when I value a woman based on look, of what I defined as valuable, that it is related to doubt, fear and self-hate to be balanced out, suppressed down and distracted from by the value I’d perceive by the person’s decision to choose to be with me, thus having this positive affirmation to a negative starting point within, instead of directly opening up and seeing these points within me to start forgiving and releasing at the first place, thus, instead of remaining dependent on energy, others and judgement, projection and desire; to be able to establish self-trust, self-value and self-love directly.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized in the moment of self-compromise within a situation I have preprogrammed myself not to look beyond my self-limitations, because each of those I can justify in any second, and this is automatic, creating self-interest, protecting it and automatically avoiding to challenge my beliefs, yet not realizing that in each moment I accept an excuse, it becomes more automatic, and the way is to apply self-forgiveness to see, realize and become aware of those self-compromises.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about how I look and behave, but not investing effort to review if those worries are relatable to reality or not, and if so, what I could actually do about those, for instance if I worry that my hair is weird, because I cut it myself, I can ask someone to help fixing it or paying for hairdresser, but as I have defined that it’s too much time and money to waste, I am doing myself, yet not being satisfied with the result, accepting conflict within, doubt and uncertainty, and at situations, when doubt is triggered, confidence is challenged, I automatically jump back to this – and other similarly self-made up – point and re-energize the doubt, the reason why I should justify to remain doubtful, thus to limit my expression what would expose me to the worries I try to avoid to be triggered.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about not having specific skills or abilities in order to engage to specific social activities, yet whenever I would have opportunity to express, practice, live or expand with, I automatically justify ‘being not good with’ instead of simply doing it and learning, finding out who I am within that.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from rejection as then I would define myself to be not good enough and I would define myself as worthless and not realizing that the initial experience of worthlessness is already self-accepted and present within me and my mind, and trying to avoiding to be triggered by not engaging into activities wherein I would be able to judge myself as such, and thus believing to be not limited, meanwhile it is literally the definition of self-limitation.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the positive self-affirmations about what I am good with based on feelings and experiences and not realizing that where is positivity, there is negativity as the only way to create positive energy is by also creating negative, thus all is self-created, and if I accept myself to be driven by, addicted to, mesmerized by positive and negative experiences, I am the slave of my self-delusion.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge music as primitive and define it as annoying and only being able to enjoy music if it is part of my self-defined type of goodness, otherwise automatically closing down and rejecting it and thus predetermining my experience towards it, instead of truly being here in the moment and trusting myself – whether I stay and enjoy or stay and not reacting to it, or even to decide to leave, but without thinking, judging, feeling good or bad, as direct self-expression.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge music, sound system and people based on the quality I define these to be according to my past and self-definitions and anything ‘less than’ I judge any of these and I would feel superior and better or more refined or higher than this, I stop, breathe and realize that it is not about the judgement, the definition, but who I am directing myself to be in this very moment of exposure of such experience.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have developed and accepted a bunch of rules to define to me what is good and acceptable, what is bad and unacceptable and stop questioning myself, reality, direct experiences, but limiting myself with these rules to form my roles in society, and even within obvious and serious self-limitation situations, not stopping participating within those self-definitions limitations, but rather justifying them, identifying them as who I am and thus protecting my interest, not seeing that it is due to fear as conserving the same fear essence moment at the inception of those specific self-definitions from my past to keep bringing with me all the time but being shielded from by the interest of not wanting to experience the fear directly, yet still being limited by.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress desire towards qualities projected to women thus developing a desire to women in general and not realizing that this desire is not direct self-expression, thus manifesting separation within from real expression HERE in the physical, and thus allowing the tendency to objectify women based on the SUBJECT of my desire, a hope for fulfilling it with a woman or women in general.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the inflation of suppressed sexual and other desires towards women which by manifesting my behavior not being direct and honest with myself or with women in general, because always categorizing, rating, defining, measuring, comparing them and based on that behaving in relation to or with them.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity to treat women as beings nothing special and thus being able to see the person, not the projection I created within my mind and thus not being mesmerized by looks and expectations, and therefore limiting my expression based on a desire I suppress and want to live out, based on qualities I do not find ways to express myself alone and defined myself being dependent on women in order to being able to live those qualities I lack or defined myself lacking.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I define dancing, when its not trance dance to be about mating and partnering, hooking up, because people touch, hold hands or hug, therefore being triggered by sexual desires and thinking and thus categorizing as something what it is not.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to remain casual, confident and actually being able to enjoy presence, party and self-expression when about to talk with partner prospect(s) as allowing worry as defining high stakes here, instead of being myself, expressing myself, trusting myself and to see who with I connect naturally, mutually and allowing this whole partner thing to be just as every day, normal expression, as anything else.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become obsessed with picture presentations of people, ladies and myself as well and defining it to be the highest value, meanwhile de-prioritizing everything else, thus limiting my perception, because believing the visual to be the most value, because that is what everyone can see, define and value by, and not admitting that wanting to compensate a doubt by this value, which is completely subjective and inflated.
  • I forgive myself that I have defined myself that my type is the thin and tall and all other else are inferior in terms of subject of my partner prospect desire, just because I defined that to be the most attractive to me, therefore that definition is who I am and I must be honest to me when admitting it, just because when I had that type of girlfriend, I was extensively able to enjoy that kind of visual and body type, and wanting to be stimulated the same way again.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that at this moment almost all of my partnership did not end well, and certainly ended, therefore anything I remember and want to re-do or recollect might not be the best, or at least does not make sense to exclude anything else based on the thought pattern of ‘if I chose this in the past, I must like that only and must choose the same in the future too’ – instead of letting go the categories at all and to see what works in the moment and when seeing energy reaction to visuals, categorization or value – to apply self-forgiveness and step out from the self-stimulation based on value and in fact doubt and fear.

DSC_0437Self-forgiveness assists to walk through patterns I was not directly aware of before – or even if I was – by writing down, I open myself up and see – what this opens up further.

SOUNDING these Self-forgiveness sentences assist by directly seeing and adjusting what I miss between those lines and gives the ability to see what I react to based on that and to refine, to specify and expand with to cover the points I was not aware of this much before. Especially about the consequences I manifest and the responsibility I have, along with the actual opportunity to change by prevention, by redefinition and a more aware self-expression.

So, this is it for now, enough to see those patterns before manifesting to keep revealing the patterns, and closing this with some self-commitments and self-corrective preparatory statements.

I commit myself to expose any original negative experiences in relation to myself which would cause me to strive towards seek out positive affirmations with others, creating attraction, desire and value based on automatically triggered, preconditioned polarity categorization, so then I can see the patterns before participating, bring myself here, keep myself at presence, at center, as a whole to see what’s of the energy mind, what’s real and support self-expression directly.

I commit myself to stop judging people based on their looks, trust myself with the empty mind, have a feel, have an experience, have a direct living and to see what works what not and not to automatically fall into the polarity of good and bad, nice or ugly, as realizing – those were conditioned into my mind, and if I am slave of those, I am less than who I accept myself to be as puppet of what I see.

I commit myself to stop defining music based on how simple or popular it is, rather to see if I enjoy it or not, if anything is brought up from my mind with the music, it is not the music itself what is not cool, but I have a point to work with within self-honesty to forgive and let go.

I commit myself to stop falling into energetic mind experiences by not realizing the physical presence, consistency and factual truth here, and believing that what I experience is more relevant than what is here, thus justifying why I do not need to always consider what’s here – so

I commit myself to direct myself to explore my limits with feeling and being in and as the physical and keep expanding with those limits with living self-forgiveness in all moments equally.

I commit myself to communicate with myself to agree with points I am not clear within and falling into thinking mind patterns to help me to tell me who I supposed to be in relation to those, so in those situations, I stop, I breathe and I see what I direct myself to live as and then trusting myself – and if not the best for all participants, including me, I stop again and re-align, re-decide and start living that – always in clarity.

When and as I fall into the thinking mind about who is good or bad for me as partner, I stop and realize that I have no idea, only having memories and judgments, and until I did not try, live and experience, I literally can’t know.

When and as I am losing presence, especially at a directly physically active situation, such as dancing, starting to feel emotions, feelings, such as strange, awkward, inferior or confused, I realize, because of the mind-thought-pattern I was just participating in, thus I snap out of it, I breathe, I move myself and let it go and focus to what’s here.

When and as I see patterns reoccuring in regaring to relaxing, party, dance or social events, I apply self-forgiveness, I write down, I walk through the mind-constructs, establishing physical timeline to reveal the specific self-dishonesty patterns and support myself with preventing self-forgiveness, self-correction and self-commitment statements.

Please, check out the redesigned EQAFE website, there is so much support, wisdom and practical change guidance shared there, it’s one of a kind in this world!

 

Day 379 – Discipline continued – specificity

P1020210Continuing on Discipline word specificity

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am approaching, dealing with and using WORDS with emotional energetic reaction charge without being aware of it’s origin, influence and consequence and within that also not seeing the importance of the investigation, stopping, re-alignment and change I require to directly LIVE words.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the DESIRE for discipline I invest into is the GIVING UP of direct self-trust and accumulate gambling by trusting constructs in my mind to make me feel, experience and do things, because I am unable to consistently remain within direct self-expression without polarity of my mind, of good and bad of self-interest, due to fear and hope.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that fear is self-interest, thus indication of abandonement of really living within self-honesty, and thus, it’s a great support to reflect back on what is the specificity creating this type of self-dishonesty.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the doubt and self-judgement I create is through the accumulative effect via lack of consistency being here and really wanting to become consistent, yet not laying down the necessary plan, structure and actual effort to manifest that change, every day, no excuse, no justification.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I accept a ‘day off’ from everything, meaning all the work and job, commitment and discipline, I undermine the process of consistency, which, if I look at it, without energy of my mind feelings and emotions, finding it to be a problem and within that acceptance of that problem creating inner friction, with then I have to deal with, putting extra effort to avoidable things.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity of specificity in relation to discipline to describe of what I lack, judge or resist and why, within asking WHY, to see why I ask that why and thus understanding myself, my reality and the solution as well.
  • I forgive myself that I have not admitted the followings I lack within my daily living in regarding to discipline:
    • breathing presence inconsistency due to fall into certain thinking patterns of doubt and worry
    • existential doubt due to financial instability and lack of structured plan execution
    • lack of communication with myself in regarding to partnership, sexuality and intimacy
    • intermittent motivation and progress level about my short-, mid- and long-term commitments, projects
    • temptation of move or not move towards the experiences giving me the least resistance and difficulty
    • complete and throughout level of disregard towards proper structure applied within specific areas of my daily living to support self-introspection, self-discipline, self-forgiveness and self-correction
    • not sharing ‘enough’ of process, as walking, as opening, as explaining – as seeing the potential, yet not stepping into it yet for a reason I did not yet specify

These might seem different topics, but in a way, they are the same – and as I am walking through these pillars, each will support me in standing up within all others, thus creating a halo of awareness taking over from consciousness system towards life awareness.

Based on these openings, what is obvious is that the most practical way is the direct way – for instance with breathing presence discipline – the obvious support is to focus on regular exercises, every day, at the same time – work on the breathing, presence, direct awareness here – no excuse, no distraction, no giving up.
And if points come up – write them down, walk the necessary self-forgiveness, self-commitment and re-align. Rinse and repeat – until I am comfortable here, with myself, unconditionally.

In a way – this is RESTART of Process – Back to Basics(link: EQAFE).

Every day is a new life, this is my Day one – and in a way, all will be until I stand as Life.

The challenge, which I know already, is that the more I am able to discipline myself to ‘become here’ – as it seems as QUIETING my mind, the more points and issues I will start to experience – all the patterns I was able to distract myself from with the daily bullshit self-dishonesty, which prevented me to see the real and relevant points, what I kept giving up about.
It’s like opening the wardrobe and all the things I stuffed in starts to fall out. I used to believe that intensity is key for breakthrough, but the danger in that is that then I work with massive mind-energy accumulations – and they are up and then down, thus I am exposed to that influence, challenging consistency, structured walk of discipline. Not saying it can’t be ‘revelation’, but in general, it’s less valuable as it feels at those intense moments.

Thus, it’s to clarify: there is NOTHING in existence we can escape from – only prolonging the process, thus this is also a DISCIPLINE – to stop and face all them here, in this life.

Every tiny details, of each of self-lie, self-deny, self-suppression, self-delusion or self-interest – our mind and beingness remembers, will support to realize and understand – if we are ready and honest to be able to STOP.

To be honest(pun intended) the capabilities I have became aware of I am able to do with my mind and discipline, more than 15 years ago, by time resulted myself become bully and in a way aggressive towards myself, because by knowing the potentials, yet not living up to those – that is really tough if not dealt with and stopped – and rather focusing to actual change, instead getting lost in the reaction energy vortex.

From Mr Robot TV series, a quote: “When you truly hate yourself, that’s power” – the art of total self-destruction, just you never go down alone with that, but dragging many others too – enraging further within the unnecessary and vicious cycle of self-interest.

That’s why many will ride all of those death-cults until their end: all religions, spirituality – they want to be exonerate from their own existence of manifested consequences, while all they have to do is to truly find self-forgiveness within the action of specificity.

What is an excuse coming up is that it is very thin line to walk on to allow ‘natural learning ability‘ without overthinking versus applying structured self-correction tools – so it’s like I have a thousand computers within me and they all run some sort of program and each has their own specific firewall/defense system, even if they are obviously questionable or even just bad – and to get in, stop those flawed programs, I need to understand the code already running in them, understanding the protection to get through it – and once stopping one – I need to create new code, but one which does not limit me, can grow itself with my presence and alignment of principle for all life equally. That’s why Self-forgiveness is awareness – I become aware of the patterns, the consequences, what I accepted already – so when I am about to do it next time, I remember, I take responsibility, and I prevent myself falling into it again. But for that I need to understand, specifically, good intention is merely nothing here.

It is literally scary to shut down those apparently important life support mind-computer systems of self-definition, self-justification, self-identification programs, but the more I investigate those, the more I see that they allow me to get by, but not truly LIVE.

Many brag about the magical and wonderful consciousness, which seems endless – it isn’t – I am able to see it’s limits, it’s end and it’s flaws – everyone should! –  but what allows consciousness to exist, what is beyond it, what is behind and within all is what we all believed to be justifiable to be separated from – the responsibility for all life equally.

That responsibility and alignment with is going to support to all to find back our ways from systematic limitation towards awareness of infinite life.

It’s easy to stray away – towards energy, towards possession or obsession due to the tendency of volatile sensitivity for energetic reactions in the mind, through the human physical body – thus genuine and reliable support is crucial to find compass and anchor within the process of self-realization.

That is why I committed my life to align with and participate within Desteni community, Desteni I Process online courses, as it is invaluable to find the right path within self-honesty.

Many did walk away from this process as it leads to the very core of our creation, which is challenging, for some it was too much, some got personal, some did fall into some excuse, not applying the simple tools for self-liberation in order to justify why they are right, better or should feel hurt, just because did not establish the proper DISCIPLINE within walking the Process of Self-honesty in every day consistency.

It does not matter what process one walks, if it’s different, has other structure or approach – but eventually everyone has to realize that the only way is through purifying our mind with decomposing, un-learning and re-defining how we live words in accordance of all participant of life equally.

And within that to realize – if one has resistance, judgement, opposition to the word ‘equality’ – it is a construct, there are things behind this pattern, and can lead to much more direct self-liberation. Worth exploring!

To be continued. . .

Day 377 – Fall out from movement

P1020217Sometimes I find myself being stopped doing the things usually am enthusiastic/motivated about.
Almost would be identified as getting bored – or blocked.
When this mind state is not active, I am always eager to do those activities, such as creating or learning something(walking the mind consciousness system correction, learning or playing music, researching technology, video-making, etc).

Instead of those, I just want to entertain, which is not even really true.

What contradicts with this is that I usually have no much ‘free time’ to do the things I like to do and with this state, it is pretty obvious that I am kind of wasting my time on things what are not really relevant.

It even occurs to me that I am being harsh on myself and so rarely taking it easy that it feels like being suppressed, and once it’s too often – then it needs to be done for a while to get fullfilled. Meaning to do nothing? Something like that. But it’s deeper than that. There are trigger points, reactions what invoke this state.

Well, in general, my attitude to doing nothing is that it’s defined as bad, thus I should not do it.

I got a cold, my head kind of feels heavy and sneezing and got wet nose all day, so what felt comfortable today was mostly watching movies or videos and having multiple daytime sleeps.
And now feeling kind of bad that night is coming, I am tired doing nothing and wasted a day not doing the things I usually do.

This happened before, not once, so definitely a pattern, thus this self-introspection is what I do about it.

I am not worried about that my hobbies are not true or real, as before, because in the past happened – I did not want to touch the music instruments and I thought – this must mean all my passion for learning and doing music was fake, self-dishonest.
I also note to self – hobbies, activities, enthusiasms, passion, commitments, fun, expansion – various definitions to things I justify worth spending time and effort with in daily basis.

I do not say that now all is exposed and these activities are not real or me, it’s just still strange that I am not consistent and it raises the question, is it okay or not, am I dishonest or not – and if the question comes, it means I am not certain that if I am not dishonest.

Yesterday crystalized a realization that I lack discipline, I need to work on that, redefine it, unlearn some patterns in relation to it.

And today I feel having total lack of discipline.

Indeed, I also feel sick and want to recover as fast as I can, and in these situations I usually rest more, do not drink coffee or tea(only herbs), so I am not that focused on what I do as with those I can.

I have listed the things I want to ‘progress with’, just for myself.

Obviously most of them is difficult or its a long term process and not really effective or even possible to do when being ill – so then why feeling bad when stopping for a day?

Because it’s not self-directed, no self-agreement, clarity – it rather happens and feeling no control, that’s why the doubt in those things, in myself and not being able to tell if this is okay or not.

Next morning

Writing down this really assisted as all seems ‘back on track’ – after morning shower it was natural to grab the guitar and continue with my usual practice schedules.

Instead of inflating a space in my mind, allowing thoughts of doubt and judgement, it’s clear that this can happen, next time will investigate further or even being able to prevent myself going into the same pattern.

Today spent some time under bright, warm sun and my illness was reduced – so tonight was great to have a coffee and continue with the music learning, playing and this writing.

I keep telling to individuals, who face challenges that writing with the starting point of being absolute honest with oneself(or thriving on developing that ability) can really support with stabilization and accumulation of practical understanding of problems and thus solutions too.

For instance by looking back to yesterday’s writing(beginning of this post) – it’s clear to me that some of those activities I used to self-define myself, some quite automatically, thus to doubt myself doing those seem quite placed, yet that self-questioning should not manifest within emotional, worry- and doubt-based distracting and quite unpleasant experiences.
Rather to provide opportunity to ask and answer to myself, literally explore intimacy by becoming honest with myself without any extra layer, personality or pretending.

There was this TV series, Lucifer – mentioned here before – one of his ‘abilities’ was to be able to ask anyone ‘What do you desire truly’ – and people just dropped their act and answered him – imagine that ability with self, all the time.

At first consideration this is always the case – ‘I always know what I really, truly want’ – in this moment to eat, then in the next moment to find a lady, in the next moment, get money, then get a job, then get a car, then get this and that, watch this movie, that TV series – these all seem absolutely self-honest at first sight, but once one dares to scratch the surface, many things in our life can become quite bipolar – in a way – absolutely, but on the other hand – not really.

Temptation is a funny thing. Just recently, I saw an advertisement about an used synth, it’s really great deal, I know a friend, and also a famous musician using that instrument on stage and all of a sudden I have this compulsion that I NEED THAT INSTRUMENT! I checked reviews, plays, samples, documentation, forums and it’s obviously great deal, I was really feeling it – then I considered my current situation and realized, it is not really necessary – would be fun and cool, maybe later even could become a really great value to me in terms of using and benefiting with it, but at the moment, it just would make me feel great for a while.

But until the decision to look at it with common sense – I was so convinced.

I actually enjoy this ability – to review – it’s like when I spend a day with a cool lady and then all of a sudden I feel defined – I am in love – wow – and then I let this experience go, enjoy as it lasts and dissipates – and next day I can explore other things with this person – not saying feeling or defining experiences of attraction is bad – just it’s great to realize – it’s just an experience and to see what’s beyond.

Same with all kinds of desire – for an item or a person – but if I am honest with myself – I can see how I created this experience – and that’s responsibility – based on the context, situation and reality to see if it’s supportive/beneficial/practical.

I am aware of that many people just LOVE the idea of ‘falling in love’ suddenly, unexpectedly and it feels magical, especially when it’s mutual – it’s like people desire to have that kind of desire and almost as they hope for it and when it comes, it’s just no questions asked, jumping into it type of situation.

In this sense – to see of my ‘activities’ with what I want to have the experience of progressing, expanding with – am I doing the best potential or am I simply pleasing myself by following my desires without reality context.

And as I look through my list – it’s not really about any of those would be ‘not honest choice, thus should be dropped’ – but simply prioritizing is just as important as picking topics to do.

What I see as doubt in regarding to prioritizing is that some things I want to do are more difficult and sometimes unconsciously ‘getting’ less priority, than they should.

As for instance I started to write an article about a topic I investigated and found to be relevant to share my realizations about, yet around 70%, I postponed it and since almost 2 months did not continue – yet it’s in my mind whenever considering to do something with ‘free time’ – and is it a burden or an annoyance? Is it my decision, commitment or discipline – and in regarding to these and the article – who am I living these words truly honestly to myself?

Relevant to note, it’s great to question and deduct myself from time to time, but need to have a structured, practical and reliable way to support practical understanding and growth on studying and expanding with self-honesty and developing clarity and consistency.

That’s how I find the Desteni I Process course and Writing Self-honesty blog within the Journey to Life process as the greatest pillar within assisting and supporting my expansion of practical awareness.

To get to know the basic components of the human mind, how those are operating, recognizing them within my daily word usage, within thoughts, spoken words or in living action – it’s exceptional to understand more, to see how and why I am created the way I behave today and if something I become aware of that could be better – provides effective ways to support practical change.

I am just going to work on my homework/assignment within that specific course’s current lesson’s assignment I am busy with these days.

There are points in my current life what require a bit more attention to re-align and change, and thus it’s just a specific enjoyment to realize – I trust myself within this that I am changing myself from doubt and judgments to clarity and responsibility.

This post opened up a lot of points. Let’s close it with some realizations.

  • When and as I am ill and sick – look back how was my latest experiences, reactions, what might triggered the imbalance within me, my body and wholeness, health to shake and how I feel, experience, define or judge myself in regarding to anything I am not proud of, clear about or feeling not being absolutely honest about.
  • When and as I note that I am ill, sick, physically or cognitively, mentally or emotionally less firm, I recognize the necessity to find ways to rest, not to push myself but to recover and find other ways to express self-movement than the usual ways what require more focus, strength and endurance, such as work on being present, bring myself to the center of my beingness presence, breathe in and out with self-expression and let go any judgement, emotional reaction about my state and if makes sense, making notes to future breakdown of patterns, decomposition of mind-constructs to correct and forgive.
  • When and as I am feeling weaker physically, I realize, I need to rest more and not focus on wanting to push myself then, but committing myself to be able to do as such once I recover, and make sure working on removing the resistances to that, working on establishing consistency within self-direction and self-trust by applying the tools of self-forgiveness, self-correction and self-commitment.
  • When and as I feel compelled to buy or do something, I realize its a conviction, an emotional pulse, which justifies to not consider my location, situation, reality within awareness, and I should breathe and see what’s really practical and what not.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized to have the tendency to want to have this writing to be full and complete and within it the compulsion to ride the moment because its here, and this is because I do not trust myself that I will keep writing this within consistency.
    This is something related to also the psychedelic drug habits I had, as this moment is special, I need to do until I am in this state, as this state is not self-created, directed, but occurred to me due to circumstances caused by myself or something else, but indirectly, and within that not realizing that I am animated by energy, not self – thus will not be consistent and the common sense to decompose the pattern and source of that energetic reaction in my mind and take decision myself.
  • When and as I worry that I do have to ride this moment until it lasts, I realize – this is something I can do anytime, and if I really wish to, yet resisting it, then I have to work on the resistance first to be able to decompose and walk through, and within that to realize that not energetic reactions, such as growing frustration of self-created anger due to judging myself still existing within self-limitation is the way, but by understanding my own prison in my mind and brick by brick, bar by bar removing my own walls and cages with specificity of awareness of how and why I have created these.
  • When and as I question my priorities in my life, activities I daily, monthly or weekly participate within, I realize, first to stop reacting with emotions, stop the fear and doubt, by seeing it’s source and forgive myself for accepting such virtue and then to be able to see what is common sense within my own life and how to establish direct and honest self-communication with myself on what is doable, what is walk-able in mid-and long term and who I am as life to commit this living breath to live as.
  • When and as I remind myself on things, activities, commitments, projects I have started yet did not continue or finish, I stop judging myself, stop defining myself but bringing myself here with empty and directive mind as breathing awareness presence direction to decide what to do about it and then live that decision and if any resistance coming up to live that decision, then deal with it, write about it, walk the timeline and self-forgiveness process necessary.
  • When and as I find myself to wait for my direction and will to return, I realize, it is not something I can wait for, or if something makes me direct, then it is not direct self-honest movement, thus I am compromised by the separation I exist from that ability to initiate and move with and as that decision, and thus it is to decompose that pattern which I give permission to automatically control me.
  • When and as I am waiting for feeling better, energized or disciplined, I realize that if something comes by waiting, it is not directly me, thus I need to focus on catching myself accumulating energetic reactions, thoughts, feelings and emotions to see how I am indirectly manipulate myself to be moved, and thus being subjected to forces outside of my self-will and direction within me consistently.

Desteni I Process to master our minds

EQAFE for education about life and self-support

Day 376 – Doubt and growth

P1010317Today’s menu:

Need to be absolutely sure – doubt within starting point, details of behavior.
Fear of being resisted, challenged, dominated – inferiority, fear of loss, fear of fear.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed to be honest with myself that the conviction of ‘need to be absolutely sure’ to do something is in it’s core is doubt, because I do not trust MYSELF HERE UNCONDITIONALLY, but the relationship, the point about to want to be sure, the conviction I want to be perfect to support my certainty and within that not realizing that I focus to perfect something based on a self-dishonest premise, which is not real to overcome a manifested behavior here, which is real: my acted out doubt in relation to myself, action and self-trust.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that to not move, initiate, start, live with the conviction of need to be absolutely sure first is self-sabotage, because I do not allow actual, physical and living space and time to find my ground, self-trust within living trial, but first want to model, virtualize, imagine and think it through in a way what satisfies and overcomes my originally self-accepted existence of doubt, and within that wanting to use this model and practise to break through the starting point of: fear of failure, fear of making mistake, fear of manifesting irreversible consequences.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only way I can really learn and expand is to live, to try, to make mistakes and fail, so then in real time I can start understanding cause and effect, how reality works based on common sense, practicality and accumulation.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the tendency to doubt, to stutter, to even petrify myself for apparently tiny moments during my day is accepted as normal to the degree of not even being aware of and thus missing opportunities, moments of expression, expansion and thus growth, based on the convictions of I first must be sure, convinced, justified and reasoned with to do something and within that not seeing/realizing and understanding that the very model and starting point of such logical thinking is flawed with doubt, fear of mistake and experiences, memories, automatic judgments and feelings/emotions, based on my past, wherein not allowing to step beyond of those patterns, thus not really expanding, trying new, but always repeating the same cycles in the hope of this time will break through, while the common sense is to first reveal, decompose, forgive and let go all those patterns and see with virgin eye, act with direct movement and to not rely on my past, of what I am not absolutely sure about, and even if so, to re-question if it’s really-really trustworthy to the degree of putting all my life on it and being able to risk not to grow if this is false/self-dishonest.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to change my obsession to be sure and certain, right and eliminating doubt means that I must do express perfection and then becoming obsessed with finding the possibly best approach and wanting, expecting to do that without consideration of where I am currently, my current status, location, opportunities and options, from which I actually can start to consider, structure and plan an actual process of progress and manifestation of the wished outcome and for that to be able to remain consistent within this process without relying on manipulating and stimulating myself in relation to doubt and confidence emotions/feelings, but only focusing on what’s real in and as the physical realm, measurable, obvious.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that to consider my doubt as a point to deal with or overcome based on feelings and emotions, thoughts and reasoning is not self-honest, thus accepting self-limitation, as I do accept the starting point of doubt and want to accept it to exist within the equation in a way that without it, the whole process of planned or actual progress becomes inconsistent, unpredictable or even sabotaged.

For instance a pattern: frustration – if there is no frustration, I do not push to get through a resistance, a limitation, let it be inner, such as worry, excuses, justifications – or external, such as not having enough time, skill, money or power to do something – and within that deliberately boosting my want to overcome that by annoyance and frustration to the point of no matter what, need to get through that – but once I do that, the very motivation to keep moving, directing, expanding becomes un-fueled as the frustration itself was the energy to move, and then finding myself not moving anymore, until again facing another or even the same type of source of frustration.

It’s similar to addiction – for instance to drugs(or sex or alcohol or buying) – one uses it to distract or escape from an experience, related to what’s present within one’s life – and thus the action one does in relation or with/based on/under of the subject of the addiction – and the initial experience fades, one feels great – and moves on – but then the same, unresolved, ran away/distracted from experience, situation returns, and one has a choice: do the same as before, which seemed maybe easier: to repeat the distraction, entertainment, or even self-destruction(getting wasted).

In this sense, people do not realize their addiction to their mind-cycles, and all the automatic compromises they accept and allow for having the ‘balanced and in control self’ – while it’s all self-created self-dishonest self-delusion.

And then people can get to the point of all day want to be high/drunk/etc – for admittedly to avoid to face their responsibility, in reality, what awaits them to deal with, walk through, solve, stand up to – or they just want to have regular boosts to ‘refill’ their ‘don’t feel bad too strongly’ shield. Either way, everything we do or don’t do – accumulate.
Just as our decision-making, and thus personality. As from the starting point one relies to the decisions, consequences and then how judged them in terms of their priority of interest(feeling good, being right for self or others too), thus behavior, habits, personality patterns form, crystallize and automatize.
Of course, most of the justifications are around the points of self-dishonesties, but within the context of making those decisions, ‘logical process’ – they seem totally reasonable, because one acted upon those already, many times.

“Don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it”

But usually people do.

I rather not generalize, but I can recognize this pattern within myself – thus it’s my responsibility to decompose, forgive for accepting and allowing and to see the specific trigger points, thus when next time about to manifest, I can see the predictable outcome if I don’t stop/change based on acknowledging what I already accepted and allowed – and thus to really stop and change.

And if anyone else recognizes this pattern within themselves, this might be an example or encouragement of why or how to support oneself to stop and change patterns within one’s behavior to expand, grow and live.

In this – I recognize that doubt-based resistances to break through with accumulating frustration is not supporting consistent expansion and creation, movement and direction, because as long as emotion/reaction-based energy is part of the equation, I am subjected to, dependent on, compromised by that relationship to that specific word-based trigger point, what should be identified honestly and understand within absolute specificity. So better to have decision, direction, commitment and principle and focus on manifesting clarity with self-communication, self-honesty and practical understanding.

Such as my point of decomposing, forgiving and letting go defining enjoyment within perfection only. Meaning perfection not with and as self as self-honesty, but trying to perfect the experience and the judgement of the relationships I form with things/people. That’s a trap. Just as naming it as inspiration for instance.

A tiny example: I re-started to learn Spanish guitar play – starting with basic techniques, such as ‘andalusian cadence’ – and it progresses alright as practicing every day a little. I am aware of what I want to do, be able to do, so it’s obvious what to do and kind of how.

And then last night found a player on youtube, who plays devilishly great – in my judgement – Tom Ward, playing Liszt Ferenc Hungarian Rhapsody 2 with ‘perfection’ in technique, effortlessness and passion – and I was like – this is the level I desire to reach – and the whole expression of his is very personal and unique and specific – the desire was within this perceived perfection. And I was immediately distracted with this desire, and from that point, my basic practices seemed soooooo far from where he is already at – and I defined this as inspiration – although it’s – if using it to my own process – distraction from the original experience of frustration accumulating during practicing a new thing.

I had lot of judgments before about this, such as ‘it’s useless skill, it’s just self-interest’, why not learn economy, or something to make more money with, or doing something for others, or creating something what helps solving problems in the world.

And then what I reasoned with is that no matter what I do, I always face myself within it, thus to expand, does not matter what it is, but the self-honesty within that process is what matters. Well, obviously in the context of equality and principle of do onto others what I would like to receive, based on the fact that this existence is a closed system, thus what goes around, comes around, even if not seeing the patterns due to complexity.

So what I concluded with was that I do the things I must do, and prioritize, and based on that it looks like doing this for some minutes per day is fine and I can learn and apply a lot of points I have already realized within walking Process, and also discover – and then share new, emerging points as well.

Also what is being revealed is that am I using learning guitar to distract myself from something else, with experiences, enthusiasm feelings, frustrations, resistances and walkthrough…

As for me – mountain climbing, when about to climb the Everest, even by risking my and others life – seems absolutely dumb, no doubt – and when I say that I can understand why people would want to acclaim that – what I really say is that – my justification self accepts and respects their justification self.

Of course, I do not want to be judged, so I shall not judge others either – which is also self-dishonest, based on having the starting point of an initial judgement, of ‘not to be judged by me doing this or that’, because I actually and already judge myself about it.

It’s tricky – and one would even consider that this whole article seems crazy and kind of insane – except that as I write it, as I see these to unfold in front of me – I breathe, I see, and I realize points to understand and if necessary: change and stop.

To just finish the example point about guitar – since years I have this aim/goal to play certain type of music with guitar, yet always starting, then stopping, then later re-starting, then stopping again – so it’s not consistent. And my justification was that ‘it’s not priority’ – and certainly it is not, it’s rather a hobby, a way to relax and enjoy.
And to recognize that, that it’s alright to not take this seriously can also come from self-communication and self-agreement. In this reflection – what I worded – effortlessness, passion, precise technique – and voila – it’s already much more tangible, doable – to focus on teaching myself – or unlearning patterns to allow myself to grow like that…In this sense, it’s not just about what I need to do, but also undo – as natural learning ability is the greatest.

IF – there is no self-dishonest justification and energetic mind accumulation in-between self and living. But if there is, then that is self-dishonesty and I want or not, if I accept this pattern within this ‘not priority’ aspect of myself, I might accept and live out within other, ‘priority’ aspect of myself too, thus discipline and principled living is suggested within all aspects of self.

As an excuse can be easily accepted by – this is not important – this moment is less relevant, now I can accept some little white lie, while in more important moments I can play the holy man – and voila – we are at the spiritual religious self-fuckery state, where one separates things, experiences, oneself based on ways to justify self-interest.

Meanwhile, in reality, all moments, breathe in and out, opportunity to be self-honest here in and as the physical body, in and as the physical reality – all are equal. No more holy, divine moments, people or actions – obviously, sometimes one has to have more attention, like while driving, but this type of justification can lead to some serious self-dishonesty.

Such as – I do not have to be self-honest while just killing all those pests, animals in my house – as now I can just kill the mofos with rigid ruthlessness, instead of considering why they are here, what I did what lead this to happen, can I see the bigger picture, is there any way to deal with this.

Or typical – to allow crazy, even abusive thoughts to run around – smile at someone while thinking that ‘what an a$$h0le’ – as believing that what I think is less holy than what I actually do: smiling as that is good, but while in fact having this resentment.

That’s why there is no middleground with self-honesty – and it is extremely difficult to never fall – but in the same way it’s very simple to allow myself to be intimate with myself to really see – am I dishonest, even just a little bit about anything or not.

This I wanted to pronounce about my starting point of doubt and worry to do something if not perfect, because the only way to really learn and grow, to expand is by mistakes – and in theory I can be master of myself, my mind, but if I do not even move I will not see what I still miss, thus not taken into consideration to actual, practical, real understanding, thus will not be able to change.

Each moments are equal, so if I am really good to not fall into a self-dishonest pattern in the day’s 99.99%, but in the remaining 0.01%, certainly and always – then the judgment of ‘mostly I am great’ does not mean much if there is always a cyclic point of ‘then always falling into this inevitably’, as it just restarts the cycle of not changing, and thus need to broaden the understanding the whole multidimensional dynamics of my participation and experiences, reactions and thoughts/feelings/emotions in that particular physical timeline.

That’s where Desteni I Process Pro online course is the greatest assistance by the Mind Constructs technique – to write down the actual timeline of what happened, also adding what I experienced, thought, all the patterns, building blocks of my participation and correlate to reality, within self-honesty – so then I clearly can discover all the patterns I live by, so then there can no remain any justification or excuse, because all is in front of me, thus can assist and support myself with change.

And that is what the greatest potential and power in existence, really – as we can accept ourselves as flawed, tainted, scarred, limited and handicapped – or we learn and grow out of those, one by one – with support, assistance and actual enjoyment of self-liberation, which undoubtedly accumulates to all existence as the whole is nothing but all it’s parts together.