Day 339 – Energy: Admitting facts for Self-Change

webContinuing with the energy craving mentality decomposition

Its a great opportunity as at the moment getting really tired and this is when usually can this mentality be noticed.
It’s when I want to experience intensity, sense of movement, energetic experiences, excitement, tension and in overall kind of a ‘high’. Well, it’s not self-expression, as it is to compensate, to distract and actually entertain and self-stimulate, in a way simulate living, which I do not do and accepting myself not living with the mesmerizing energetic experiences I keep re-creating. Thus let’s change it!

I directly apply Self-forgiveness on upcoming points. At times I still see that I have conflict within, thus need to continue with the understanding.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself in relation to the energy craving mentality within my mind, which is almost literally ‘can attack’ when I am in doubt that I did not do all I could for the day or when I feel that I am feeling tired, but I feel that I should do more today.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that it’s not about ‘today’ what I did – as obviously if I make ‘today’ longer, then ‘tomorrow’ must become shorter as I can’t cheat time, and meaning I try to use the unit of time to compensate with the already obvious, yet not self-admitted realization that I feel as I did not do all I could, but I want to, I should to and in a way I also would do, yet feeling tired, exhausted, thus I want to feel energetic, thus I should feel the need to stimulate myself to literally ‘generate’ energy within my mind by specific patterns to participate within just to feel the day longer and within that not realizing that the fear, as it’s source is actually in the center of it all, which actually sabotages direct and effective application for the things I fear not progressing with.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that there is a mind-trick I apply with myself all the time, which is that I slice up time and creating ‘progressing’ moments and ‘let go’ or ‘give in’ moments and within this system I am not in direction and it’s basically similar construct to the spiritual/divine moments which then prioritizes moments, and when participating within the ‘not focused, self-directive’ moments, at the same time accumulating frustration and inner conflict of ‘not doing enough’, which then wanting to compensate once it’s reached a threshold, or the end of the day is coming at night, when being tired and sleepy.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am not realizing the practical common sense and the direct solution to my re-creational self-sabotaging frustration and feeling of ‘not doing enough’ experiences, which is to not give in to the ‘give up’ moments to participate, and not create judgements, frustrations in the first place, yet to be honest with myself within self-direction to see what are my needs and wants within absolute, brutal self-honesty, and if I would see needing entertainment for example, just give it to myself within my own direction, not as ‘give into’ by suppression, desire and fear of missing out, then falling into it and then losing discipline and direction.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the simple solution for my energy addiction is to be honest with myself of what I want or need, desire or strive for and then to check each and every single one of these with common sense and to see which is supportive, which I can ‘afford’ in terms of prioritizing my time and resources, effort and participation and then if it’s applicable, to ‘give’ it to myself, or if its not supportive/doable at the moment, then to decide to postpone – or if it’s not supportive at all or doable, then to let it go, forgive and focus on directly working to really let it go actively until I am clear, here, present without temptation or desire, suppression or fear(of missing out).
  • Basically be practical and structured, organized and considerate.

There are not many ‘things’ what I can fall into with suppression but in overall the reason is a self-identification, self-perfection-related self-image superimposed to who I am currently – thus there is a ‘rift’ between actual and with what I deal through my mind of myself.

Sounds creepy, although it’s a typical human thing, to not clearly see who we exactly are, but with some pink or even grey glasses so to speak, so the first step is to see actual facts and thus becoming able to work with those to align and unify all of self here through decomposing and forgiving, re-defining and re-aligning the words with I perceive, experience, express and live in the physical.

For instance if I look at honestly – I can judge myself on ‘watching TV series‘ – it can take a lot of time, it’s just entertainment, while sometimes I can do other things, but if it’s interesting I just watch – and if not interesting, I do not watch actually, so it’s time consuming – if my priorities do not progress as should, I can feel ‘uncool’ about it.

Justifications and excuses also can and should be investigated and dealt with – such as ‘I had hard working day, let’s relax’, ‘I am too tired to do anything constructive’ or ‘It’s so interesting story, relates to my life’, ‘Just one episode, or while I eat, or do this or that’…etc – it’s OK to do do it, but if I feel not good about it – I create problem within about it. And if I just let it go and ‘give in’ – and just watch without worry of other things do not progress because of this – then I might feel bad about those anyway – so no escape from self actually, not for long anyway…thus better to get clear on this…

Well, its often so subtle – ‘uncool’ – see, not as ‘bad’ – just not so cool – as there is suppression – I have this judgement, negative emotion, instant suppression – all in a split second – and then I am ‘clear’ – but it happened, it accumulates somewhere and doing it enough times and it grows to the point of not so suppressed, but as an issue.
Then all of the tiny emotional suppression altogether stand up and say HELLO – and then I can’t ignore it, well, I can’t even do anything else as I just feel that I have this tidal wave awakening within me and I have to deal with it, and man, that’s tiresome and time consuming – and then I am exhausted, spent time with: not with priority, and then dealing with my inner waves, and the (to)day comes to it’s end and I am tired, yet did not progress with things as I wanted to, and that’s the point and inner conflict of what I write about to recognize, decompose, forgive and prevent.

I mean, when hearing stories about ‘extremely effective/successful men and their actions in the world’ – they might have had similar problems but could overcome and become one whole expression to do what they committed to do, thus become very effective with – it’s not impossible, just needs structure, self-honesty, motivation, direction and self-supporting tools and apply it, one step at a time to become unified within to be able to do what one really wants. Would I also want to become this ‘very effective/successful? I do not accept self-limitations and committed to find out my utmost potential, which means to keep exploring, understanding, growing!

Well, as I mentioned, the only way is to roll up my sleeves so to speak and get into the specific details to the utmost. Here meaning of what exact topics, points I judge myself as wanting to be different than I am actually – or within that want, actually seeing myself differently as I am – here the ‘fake it until make it’ does not work, thus better to change directly than to pretend, and it starts with admitting flaws, dishonesty, mistakes.

Just a short story – my father had drinking problems and later mental health issues too – but he kept avoiding to admit these, so he was ignoring facts until grew up on him to the extent of literally losing himself and his life with the overwhelming experiences of the accumulated things he never took responsibility for.

Thus, to admit problems – is although difficult, uncomfortable, can be even shameful for a moment, yes, but necessary to align with reality, and in fact can assist and support to realize the extent of self-dishonesty and self-compromise I allow myself to live within, and thus to really decide and stand up to change.

And ‘watching series‘ is just one example – although the things I experience are complex, as can relate to to my human interpersonal relationships, difficulties to be dealt with in family, at work, career, daily things, sexual desire or suppression, bully, any doubt, distrust, to see how the world is and face sadness, shame, or in overall questioning direction of my life, or financial, money points to face – each to deal with, while not get exhausted, overwhelmed, thus to balance it out with staying healthy, effective and growing, live with enjoyment, enthusiasm and innocent yet responsible and be open and able to share insights, support – it’s an art, but the key to it all is to learn and live being honest with myself, as if this one point I ever miss, then I actually can miss ‘myself’ within it all, which then start manifesting ‘glitches’, ‘reactions’, ‘frustrations’, ‘self-judgement’, ‘frustrations’, then manifesting worries, fears, then desires, etc…

One breath at a time to walk through points – and although there are many dimensions, take one thread, which bothers the most, and walk it through – and probably open another dimensions, insights, but I keep disciplined on walking this through – and if necessary, I hold this point – and clear out another what is necessary, and once that is clear, I understand myself on why and how I do what is not supportive, then I forgive, and move on with the initial point. Sounds simple. That’s why writing is key – not just thinking through, but to walk a point, word by word, the thread of Ariadne – of sanity, self-honesty and self-direction is writing here to see the patterns as I unfold with being honest with myself until all the maze of my consciousness is mapped and I see the pattern, the way in and out and I change the maze to be direct and simple, yet supporting and effective.

So, one step ‘closer’ to see directly the patterns with I create these energy craving spirals within what are getting more and more rare, less and less intense, but still way to understand, decompose, forgive and prevent myself participating, and it also entails on how to live what I not yet, but I could and actually wanting to.

AWESOME support on this and another topics at EQAFE


Day 327 – A beauty point

IMG_2225I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value and worth, power and energy into the design of judgement of beauty, as distraction, as self-interest, as self-definition and not realizing that this pattern, behavior and act separates from my self-created subject of my judgement, what I call beautiful and not being honest with myself within that to see – it is a fear to be one and with it or with the being, the person for a reason I did not yet want/dare/believed to be relevant explore, but within self-honesty, I should.

I forgive myself that I have not realized and being honest with myself to see/realize/understand that within me, beauty is a compensation for doubt, lack of self-trust and fear in a way I did not yet named, worded, became honest with myself in relation to.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the act of judgement of beauty is a gift for cross-referencing within me of what I am not yet standing absolutely within myself, thus it is not to be judged, suppressed, denied or projected away, but to embrace, be brutally honest with myself and take care of it as creator of my existence.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that fearing to be overwhelmed by beauty, to be mesmerized, controlled is self-dishonesty, because within seeing this relationship, I accept it, allow it to ‘happen’ while also seeing that this is not absolutely the greatest of my utmost potential, yet not doing everything I could to understand it further, deeper to be able to take responsibility for it and change my starting point and thus stop the self-created separation with the subject of my judgement of beauty.

I forgive myself that I have been afraid to lose the appreciation and enjoyment of beauty in this world, and within that also compensating with associating, thinking about, bringing up, reminding myself with horror to think, that if there is any horror or abuse, how could real and true, genuine and honest beauty exist, and with this construct being able to blame myself for defining something as beautiful, also manipulating myself to feel also bad and all the while not realizing that all of these are mind-games and nothing to do -at all- to live enjoyment of something I like, or not enjoying something I dislike, because it is based on patterns, judgements, thoughts, energetic experiences, feelings, emotions and not direct self-expression, self-movement, self-direction, thus all being in a way totally fake, and also on another way – seeing this too, yet not letting all go, not finding practical ways to stop participating in my mind, which is then from time to time making me realize that I am still self-dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense and the simplicity to purify my words, here: BEAUTY, to let go, get rid of and remove all associations with polarity system and also the very need and self-definition statements I am still unconsciously/consciously holding onto in regarding to any value, power or experience about beauty to be able to stand and not be controlled by any idea of any association to beauty, but to assist and support myself and others equally to live life without self-interest and the delusion of separation.

Day 322 – Leadership opening up

IMG_1679Last time I was writing about being awkward. If I look beyond that self-limitation, there are a lot of points what I was suppressing as well.
Let’s look one particular point what started to open recently.

I was listening three of amazing EQAFE support interviews in regarding to Leadership

(links at the end of this post).

I’ve been circling around this word since a while and within my DIP PRO course assignment also pops up from time to time and the more I become honest with myself, this is an aspect of me, seeing the potential on how to expand with it, but it is also becoming clear that there is much work to do in order to birth that potential into life.

Thus, walking some memories, decomposing some constructs of my own relationship and personality of the word and it’s meaning of LEADER and LEADERSHIP.

Right away, there has always been a controversy of two opposite opinions about this within me: since my childhood, all I ever wanted is to have more power, possibilities and freedom, while on the other hand I have been accumulated so much willingness and desire to directly lack, deny and escape responsibility.

After many years, here I am and already realized that responsibility is the only way which through I can be really free of my self-limitation and powerlessness, thus since a while I specifically aim parts of my life wherein I am directing myself to open up and realize: where I am still not taking responsibility for myself and then(or at the same time) the world as well.

So I start with walking Self-forgiveness immediately, instead of sharing a lot of memories, because that is not really required here to start to see, as this point I have focusing to since a while in reflection to things happening in my personal, interpersonal and global life events, so I just directly apply practical understanding through actually taking responsibility with seeing what I have not yet acknowledged, but in a way, in the background, I have always known.


  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire leadership, to become a leader and not being honest with myself to see that this desire is fueled by my own powerlessness, insecurity and wanting to compensate values, aspects, abilities and personality traits of others, who I defined as more than who I perceive myself to be.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want power and efficiency, but not wanting to take responsibility for who I am, for the reactions, thoughts, feelings and emotions are happening within me, overwhelming, distracting, dis-empowering me, but directly wanting to exert power into the world, because then others would see how powerful I am and based on their reactions, I would feel myself more powerful.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself to see/realize/understand that I want to seem as powerful in order to be judged as powerful, so then based on judgements, starting to believe that indeed I am powerful.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the polarity-energy play within myself as wanting to experience ‘positive‘ judgments about me in relation to leadership and power to COMPENSATE the already existing ‘negative‘ judgments/beliefs/self-definitions within me and not realizing the common sense to stop/remove the ‘negative’ directly with self-honesty and self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-commitments to change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve defined people in leading positions as something I could be good at without actually understanding what they do, what qualities they live and how.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that leader, as the word itself explains itself, meaning that the one, who leads the way, which mostly means to initiate, to move first, without anything or anyone outside of themselves and that requires self-trust, self-knowledge and self-dedication, which I never considered to see it as actual qualities I can learn, but as being not my type, not my personality, not my way and not realizing that these are simply excuses and justifications of why I should give into the resistance to face and change my personality if I do really want to be a leader.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that my initial desire to become leader comes from the realization that I allow myself to be leaded by forces outside of me, even when I do not want, I do realize that it’s not supporting me, thus to compensate/fight that powerlessness, started to grow a desire for power and leadership.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that ANY leadership starts with self, self-leadership and to deal with myself, my inner representation, my mind, my personality, my ‘demons’, so to speak, the patterns what constitute the chance to compromise my stand, to doubt myself, to give into resistances, to not want to change, initiate, move.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that my resistance towards leading, leading systems, others is the manifestation of the resistance to lead myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that until self-leadership will not spread and become a living expression of all individuals, there always will be leaders, which means master and slave relationship.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that leading is not about the power as it is mostly given, and if one does not live with that given power well, it might or will be taken away – even if it’s about self-leadership and self-given power – any doubt, resistance, fear can compromise that power.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to take responsibility for what and who I am and within that to realize that I can change if I decide so, and the very fact that I am not changing is the indication and proof of that I am not taking responsibility and thus accepting my limitations to direct me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy leaders around me by what I perceived as having access to power and thus wanting to be leader and only looking what they have but not questioning the process they actually became leaders with what qualities and actions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only thing stops me from being leader is the self-sabotage of not leading myself first.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not yet ready to become a leader and within that not seeing what actual justifications I hold onto, what makes that belief within me.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the postponement of actually walking the path of a leader is the belief that first I have to become perfect, then once I am ‘ready’, then I will lead and within that not realizing that there is no perfection without making mistakes first and the ability to admit and change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized, named and worded the actual excuses and justifications I am holding onto for not taking responsibility to lead myself, to initiate movement and change within myself and the world as equal as one in a consistent practical application.


So, this should do as a start, at the end the realization came to the surface that I actually have to list up the points I perceive as blocking me to lead myself effectively.

I start with a brief list here and I will continue in the next post with this fascinating topic.

  • The belief that once I become a leader, I will have less time for entertainment and to actually do what I like, such as learning, investigating, discovering.
  • The belief that first I have to face all my demons to not get into any possible compromising situation ‘out there’ in the world.
  • The belief that I am not stable and consistent enough
  • The belief that my communication skills are not yet effective enough
    The belief that I am not yet walking a supportive, enjoyable and stable partnership with someone first
  • The belief that I have to remain somewhat alone and secluded in order to become someone who will not compromise leadership and responsibility first versus personal interest, such as relationship and family and it’s a friction within between wanting partnership, but only if it’s not compromising my ‘plans’ and having the belief that I should not care about such details, but only focus to my ‘plans’
  • The belief that I am not direct, in a way ruthless or impersonal enough and being vulnerable for people to be able to influence me with their social skills, beauty or my insecurities

These are just a few and some of them are already seem ridiculous for me at the moment I write them down, so at first sight they do not seem relevant or real problematic, but still: came up, thus worth writing down and to see what is behind that particular belief.

Just like with fears and phobias – many people hold onto so many kinds of fears without even being aware of how ridiculous it might seem if the person would actually take the effort to write it down to see in front of them.

A point I see worth mentioning in regarding to fear:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from jumping into action in regarding to leadership, which is the fear of making so big mistakes that would manifest irreversible consequences, what could sabotage my intention, direction towards leadership.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I focus to the fear and it’s resonance, I do not look at the point I fear manifesting, I do not see if it’s realistic, what I can do to prevent it, but I spend time to not move, not act, but only react within.

And the last should be this:

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within seeing the initiative to become leader, but not actually specifying of what kind of leader within what ‘field’ I want to lead, initiate, move change, thus it’s all abstract, undefined, un-graspable, which is to protect my level of involvement with leadership, which is only self-stimulation, not actual reality-walking and manifesting.

This is greatly challenging and recommended everyone to walk as can reveal so many points of self-dishonesty to work with and being able to face, understand and stop.

These are the awesome EQAFE interviews about leadership I’ve mentioned and support me and others greatly:

And a personal blog post from Marlen to look Leadership as well, suggested to read:

Day 317 – Controversial topics

controvThese are what they are, with the centralized mass-media, the unofficial and controversial information sources have been spread.

What is true, what is fake? This is now every day’s conversation. The information-era is at it’s perils.

It’s interesting to see that everyone has beliefs, opinions, judgements, and if anyone does not have, share, to persuade or trying to protect those, or does not care, then they are also being judged by others as sheep or blind followers of the enslavement system.
But the interesting part is that those who are quiet, it’s not that they do not have beliefs, opinions, judgements, but on top of those beliefs, they have a specific set of convictions about why they should not share and care to enter into this meme-war of consciousness of what’s right or true or real.

Because from a point, it literally becomes war, not only in the people’s minds, but on the actual fields and seas, sons of mothers go against each other, just because they have the belief of this is why is worthy to kill and die for. Pure insanity.

That’s why the internal conflicts, battles, frictions within our own mind never should be underestimated, because that is exactly what accepts and justifies external conflicts and wars, destruction and abuse in the world too.

An example: “I hate that I was so shy with this girl, I have missed the opportunity to ask her out, I am so fool, I HATE when I am like this.”

In this example I am actually being distracted with the emotional energy coming from the negative self-judgement, not focusing to the possible actual solution – to ask, why I was shy and coward and not stopping with that answer of :”Because it’s risky, I can screw this up and then I am done, she would never consider me as a potential partner.”
Then, to be able to see beyond this excuse is crucial: to see that I am afraid to lose something I give value to so much that actually I am being distracted and handicapped while doing it by the overwhelming vivid imagination of me failing in this, with her.

The willingness and actual, practical ability to be self-honest is the most important thing in life, I am certain, because without it, I am lost, untrustworthy and being exposed to the elements of all experiences, conditions in the world without being able to really understand, to change within.
Blame, projection, anger pointed to others, the world is being accepted and allowed as a hellhole for the majority, meanwhile if I would be honest to myself, I could directly see by approaching the levels of self-deception to discover how and why exactly I am responsible for what I experience, for what I conclude, for what I accept and allow and also for what I do.

So, here comes in the point of controversial topics, because it is also now all over the world, so many crazy ideas about what happened here and there, what is going on or how things do really work.

Controversial topics are actually cool, because within that I can have a reflection of who I am, what do I accept according to peer pressure of social acceptance and what is commonly believed to be true, what is actually proven, what I can prove for myself and what I have to actually walk through, work on and find out myself to be able to decide of whether it is real or made up.
And within that to also see how relevant the point is in my life, my neighbors life, all life’s perspective currently and in the long term as well.

In the current bank-debt-funded predatory capitalist system, where profit, revenue and income is the most important factor within pursuing safety, health and enjoyment, it is also an opportunity to deceive others for it.

And often, even the apparently ‘innocent’ ones are also causing irreversible and horrible consequences.
To persuade someone for a face creme to prevent aging for women might not seem as damaging, but if we can realize how exactly it’s being made, that it’s being tested on animals, if it’s factory keeping workers on sweatshop/slave level, if to see that the CEO of the 10.000 personnel company earns 10 percent of all the revenue, then I might consider that it’s not the best it could be.

I guess, it’s not that controversial as can be, let’s pick another one: vaccinations.
It’s also a heated discussion between parents, especially who had bad or horrible consequences by using these, often even compulsory treatments for children. Here and there some scientist appears trying to prove correlation between brain dysfunction and poisonous ingredients of vaccinations, then often people are being ridiculed when starting to question the authority, the corporations, the government.

As long as it’s a capitalist profit-oriented, revenue-hungry corporation funds, fabricates, persuades and sells these vaccinations, it is obviously questionable and when the whole process is not shared and being 100% transparent to the consumers, then it’s natural to want to know more about it, to see more research results.

There might be some really scary dark conspiracies in the background, but to gossipmonger all over – it’s bad and does not support any possible solution.

Mostly there is simple explanation: the fear relating to not survive in capitalism, greed; the never ending conquest for more and more profit drives people over common sense, beyond compassion and under dignity to the mind-state of superiority, justifying with principles like ‘survival of the fittest’, but those individuals are totally incapable of being self-honest to question their belief systems, to answer their self-dishonesty, thus not only becoming lost within their own realm of consciousness, but causing massive amount of abuse in the real world, what is being shared with everyone else.

Poisoning natural water sources, covering it up, marketing sickening products without warning, bribing their way out of it, fabricating casus belli and driving whole countries to war: it’s every day’s reality and anyone who accepts and justifies it with sentences like ‘This is us, human nature’, they are also part of the problem, not only the person who gives the orders to execute those atrocities every day.

I also have been ridiculed many times when bringing up a controversial topic, just because the TV does say that it’s conspiracy theory, because some things, if those would be really real, people would have to realize that their own version of reality is a delusion, which is difficult to give up, because that means they have invested maybe even decades into something what was almost completely a waste of time.

I do not think there is real evil, which would fight good and want to destroy, like in the tales – that’s existing only in the mind, polarity – a symbol of our own separation for LIFE itself, because there is no good without bad, no matter how GOOD I become, there will always will be BAD, because it’s all relative, make-belief. To balance out positivity taking all over, which would be also totally impractical, negativity appears. What we see in the world, it always reflects back to our own mind and vice versa.

That’s why it’s imperative to have a willingness and actual ability to investigate and sort out my own beliefs, judgements, delusions, because that is how I really discover myself and the world, that’s how I decide what’s real and what is bullshit.

We like it or not, there are a LOT of things humans in general do not yet comprehend in this world.

Remnants of ancient civilizations – total mystery, people have ideas and beliefs about what happened, but there are so many – and most people ignore these, because there is no ‘mainstream opinion/proof’, so until that it’s just controversial. Someone else to figure it out. Or based on some interest, promote something, what’s maybe real.

How much those things are really relevant in my own individual life, process of self-honesty? That’s the practical question one has to answer as well.

Or the flat-earthers, they are consistently sharing these articles and videos to prove why the earth is flat, the sun is very close and they are obviously pissed off that nobody believes them, they feel cheated, lied to and humiliated with the world, the system, the government, science, because they feel they know the truth and most people don’t or don’t care. How much that is relevant?
Unless I am working with satellites, weather, or within the hello: ‘space’ industry; how much of my every day life is influenced by the possibility that earth is not a sphere-like space rock, but something else?

I had my own crusades about several of so called controversial topics, according to drugs and spirituality, because when one day I’ve realized that how I lived, what to I’ve built my experiences, culture and personality – it was based on self-deception, thus I had to let it go. For some it’s more difficult to give up, to acknowledge that ‘I was wrong’. For me it is no problem if I was wrong, but right now to be wrong with the knowledge that it might not be real, relevant or common sense, that would be more self-dishonest than to just change.

When with desteni support I was able to figure out myself of how I was deceiving myself with the spirituality and drugs, I’ve felt compelled to expose all the gurus and masters, anything relating to mantras and chakras as total distraction.

Because it did not work for me.
Because I’ve realized that my starting point with them was self-dishonest, therefore I assumed that anyone and everyone participating within spirituality are equally self-deceivers by default.

Maybe not, maybe yes, I do not know that for certain, but the methods, the symbolism: for me it’s obvious how and why it’s flawed, I understand it now, I can word and explain it, I can see the points where I’ve recouped it with hopes, beliefs – therefore I am not interested in participating in these things at all. Also I have responsibility to share my realizations, because that might support others too realize the same mistakes I’ve made.

And it’s quite tricky, because if someone repeats mantras for hours, of course it will have an effect, accumulating energy, expectation, the sound vibration, the set and setting becomes also relevant. But it’s like trying to have a medical operation of my eyes through my bottom(from the silly movie parody called Hot Shots, they call it multiopiloptomy).
Especially tricky if I do not understand how my mind’s energy-house-holding works – I might just feed my mind with energy to be able to balance shit out and I feel more calm, but under the carpet, still the same, I do not have to radically change, to face my self-dishonesties directly, for instance addictions, not taking responsibility, being untrustworthy for myself and my partner or my boss, to make actual difference in the world, no, I just have to repeat 111.111 mantras and it will have effect, good karma and while doing it I will have insights.
For me this is now not direct and honest enough.

I’d rather ask myself and answer directly about things, points, problems, solutions. No need for magical vibrations, I have voice, I have words already. That I am here to live.

When I go to a shop, I don’t use mantra to get food, I use words. When I communicate with my partner on solving a conflict, I use words again, and if I want to stand out in front of the crowd to share support on how to transcend the mind, again and eventually always: I use words. So why not work with that directly? Common sense.

When I actually do something, I do it with my human physical body, so it’s also common sense to make it home, my starting point, my temple, my presence – without allowing interference from my mind of fear, of overwhelming and distracting emotions, regardless of positive or negative, which is just relative to my own interest, even if it’s projected onto something or someone, it’s still MY interest. But who I am is not just me, but equally is in the rest too. So it’s also common sense to consider all participants of the given system as equals, thus manifesting what is best for all. But it’s going to be damn difficult if I rely to spiritual practices and energetic experiences to ground myself and become consistent and constant within my direction and presence. Rather write down the words, investigate the words, let go of not supporting definitions, associations of words, re-define words and live them directly, so then no need to doubt, fear, complicate or judge, just directly live.

Maybe there was a time in world history when chakras and these spiritual things did have more effect on reality, the minds, but nowadays it’s just through the mind consciousness system, people’s beliefs, convictions, self-persuasions.

That is what I have investigated, tested, realized, lived. But I would not want to persuade anyone that I am right or others are not. Time will tell everything. Manifested consequences too. As Bernard Poolman stated:

There is no such thing as truth, only denial of what is here.

I went into more details with this point to share that how I take on practical approach with common sense on a point, instead of feelings and reactions. But the same principle can be applied to other controversial – or in fact any kind of topic.

I only can share as much as I can about my process, what I have experienced, seen, realized and why – then if anyone has better angle, then share it with me, I am absolutely open for re-evaluating my entire life. And everyone should be.

Another controversial topic to reflect back on self-leadership – writing some details so some conspiring dudes or dudettes can relate with: Investigating 9/11 was an inside job or it’s a hoax, was there aeroplane hijacking or planned demolition, temperature of the airplane fuel versus the melting point of reinforced steel or mossad agents versus found saudi passports – those the points people can argue about and it’s never ending. What that actually would imply about ‘our own’ – in fact USA – government is terrifying about how far leadership can justify to go in order to follow their agenda, to keep balance of their insanely unbalanced budget, the mysterious disappearance of massive amount of money. The downstream total destruction of an other country, accusations of weapons of mass destructions, oil industry, weapon industry, drug industry, media industry, we like it or not, these questions are maybe relevant.

And if I investigate from SELF – I can ask – why is there leadership, why there are people not wanting to be responsible, why need control, anarchy, war or peace, what those actually mean versus what I think or feel about.
How am I not living my potential, not living LEADERSHIP as I could be, how I am following, obeying, expecting and accepting instead of initiating, directing, planning, anticipating, moving? That is where I should start, not blaming the president or the banks. If I do not like it, I should show a better way, I should be part of the solution, I should join politics then and change by living as an example of my definition of good. That’s self-honest. That is the way forward. Not protesting and burning cars on street, whistling at public speeches or trolling and cursing online. Anyone does that – stating the obvious – they accept their powerlessness. But it’s still way to change, starting self here:

What’s relevant here for me in my real life is to reflect these kind of events back to self:

What is terror in my own life, how am I terrorizing myself, my environment and family, what is my own mind-authority and how and when and why it steps in to simply overrule another initiative within me, for instance having an idea about helping that weak man on the road, but then I would think, “What my cool and rich friends would think of me, and anyway I might become dirty while helping him, and he is maybe stinky as well, and anyway, he already survived up to this day, he will be fine, I do not have change, only using credit card”.

Not saying that to give some coins would actually make the world to a better place, but if I have these inner dialogues/frictions, that’s also my responsibility to unify myself about, not accepting any conflict of opposing interests.
It is maybe difficult to have absolute clarity about something, but this should not mean we just give it up – but then I have to be able to change, when I see that I was wrong.

And once I am able to see through my own internal battles, when I am not going into emotional war within when being triggered with a more intense experience, news, condition, but I can stand within clarity, being able to question everything I think, feel, say and do, then I am becoming able to stop self-dishonest patterns I discover, then I can also stop acting/living out those self-dishonesties and change becomes reality.

But if I have these emotional storms, reactions, anger, jealousy, fear, insecurity issues WHILE full blown ‘investigating’ these controversial topics, I might just find what I want to be found, I might bend the information to my own distorted perception.

Instead of judging wars in the world and get emotional, angry or sad, to ask myself – how I am waging war within myself in the first place? What do I resist, fight, want to win, dominate, eradicate, exterminate within with force?
That’s why SELF process is first, not because selfishness is the way – it’s the exact opposite actually. I take responsibility and it can only start with self, otherwise anything else I try to accomplish will be biased with the already accepted and allowed self-dishonesty within.

Self-forgiveness is an awesome self-supporting tool, which is simple, direct and free process to apply.

It encourages to become detail-oriented, by writing/typing it, I slow down, thus emotions do not tend to overwhelm that quickly.
Also supports with humility, to see, that in a simple conversation how many self-dishonesty I can accept, so then I understand that it’s pointless to blame anyone, but to ensure first that I stand within clarity and no influence of any fear, blame or anger.

I dare to give myself a chance, and many state that it’s not their way, style, method – I also never would have thought that this is what I am going to apply for years – this can be more tough sometimes, when realizing some nasty shit within me I covered up with excuses and thus failing with something constantly, but that’s also an indication that I am walking through resistances, limitations.

Also I’ve shouted wolf so many times about what’s real, what’s the solution, the source of best coolness in the world with various methods, groups, techniques, but Self-forgiveness is the most awesome and effective awareness tool I’ve ever encountered and this is what I stand for since almost ten years and still so much to learn and unlearn, discover and change.

At EQAFE, I was able to listen through a LOT of controversial topics, as its being explained in a style, which is like just listening to someone sitting near to me and it’s mind-blowing and also liberating, not only to understand things I always wanted to know, but when I try to apply those supporting points I’ve heard, no matter the topic, I can.

Thus I strongly recommend to check out EQAFE for a new type of library of understanding.

For trying out, understanding Self-forgiveness, the mind, consciousness, thoughts, emotions, and how to deal with those and take responsibility for:

Day 314 – Resistances to Discipline

img_3819Recently  I’ve discovered within several areas of my life that one of my most relevant self-limitations is the lack of discipline.

Within my DIP pro course’s assignment and my personal projects I’ve realized the lack of progress due to not being disciplined.

Also there are several self-support ‘daily challenges‘ I always see as very supportive, yet often I spend a day without applying it.

Furthermore, I am busy with self-stopping, self-changing and self-creation and this means to look at certain patterns, behaviors, reactions within me to re-write so to speak. Although I could write more to prepare, pre-script and thus support myself, I see that the problem does not exists within writing or lack of writing. That’s just the consequence.

This whole thing seems like I am a type of guy who does not enjoy life and always finding problems to solve, never satisfied with himself and there is nothing better to do in my life than just basically being obsessed with myself.

On the contrary, I see with what aspects of me I simply could be much honest, direct, effective and responsible, so why not change?

Resistances, indeed, that’s why not to change.

Because I resist it on thinking logical and rational level – which might be the most challenging for many, because who does not like logic, must be a fool. Although logic can be quite limiting as well, especially, when not all factors are investigated throughoutly, and then thus a person can tell – my logic says it’s all cool, nothing world with the world – while someone else’s logic could say – it’s all screwed up.

Then comes the emotional/feeling justification – well, it’s still of logic, just the person’s limited perspective’s logic.

If I feel frustration and anger when I try to solve this problem I am facing, I should just rage against the problem and after a while to give up or justify it that ‘it can’t be done’ or ‘it’s not my way’.

A simple, almost insignificant example: I was editing a little film we’ve shot some years ago and we did not finish the editing. Recently with my friend we’ve agreed to do so and currently it’s on me to finish a short, color corrected, sound-effected version of it.

This point I got frustrated with actually happened already some times, so if I could have been aware of the possibility, and thus not go into frustration. Although I’ve recognized it shortly, but at least one minute I’ve spent with frustration before applying common sense.

The video editor had an update and converted my project file and did not auto-save as it supposed to be. And it froze, lost what I worked on and I was like ‘nooooooooooooooo’ for a little while. This is quite normal while working with computers, no matter, even if the best hardware and software is present, shit just can happen and thus to rant about it is quite silly actually.

Then I restarted the software, saved more frequently and actually made it better.

One of the reasons I mention frustration here in relation to discipline is that it can turn to be an excuse why giving into resistances not to do what I decided and planned to do.

Within many professions there are a lot of parts what can trigger annoyance and frustration, and it does not have to be like that, but somehow I give into that experience and then I am being distracted from disciplined application.

By looking my relationship with discipline, I’ve discovered some self-dishonesties in relation how I am sabotaging to live this word to my utmost potential, which I walk through here with Self-forgiveness to acknowledge the extent of self-dishonest acceptances and allowances.

What I already see is that I used to have some phases in my life when I was able to apply so to speak unbreakable discipline in regarding to some specific applications I’ve decided to do and I was unwavering, had no doubt, could not distract any reaction or doubt and thus any possible reason to get frustrated with or annoyed by, simply bounced off me.
These actions and experiences made me realize that my will indeed can be disciplined to the potential of absolute, but at the same time, instead of making this realization, expression and quality to become my natural expression, I’ve rather laid back satisfied with the knowledge of that if I’d need, I could apply it when needed.

So, let’s explore this a bit more specifically.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I defined to be satisfactory to ‘know’ that I can have discipline when needed, when decided and within that not realizing that the very action of ‘accepting myself to be undisciplined and then always relying on a decision to become disciplined again’ is already a lack of discipline and self-conviction of excuses and justifications of why I do not need to continue exploring, working, integrating and living the word discipline as myself as equal here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within accepting myself to believe that I can and should occasionally decide when to apply this discipline what I believed to be absolute, just like a superpower, or an ability, which I only can turn on for a while until it’s needed and then to turn it off and to become a so to speak ‘ordinary’ human, who accepts reactions, distractions, frustrations and giving ups.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that my action of disciplined movement was not absolute as I was relying on a condition which by I was able to exclude the option of not giving up and giving into distractions and within that not realizing what that condition was, which owned, controlled me without me noticing, acknowledging, questioning it.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the self-conviction for become disciplined was originated from cycles of reactions, distractions, frustrations and anger toward myself of accepting self-limitations, suppressing myself for long and by that accumulation being able to turn into a maintained experience of discipline, which seemed as I am directing it and I am enjoying it’s fruitful result, but in fact I was not in absolute direction and the proof for that was that my discipline always stopped at a certain point in relation to the application I was applying it to.

To give context: discipline often was certain kinds of meditations, getting a specific project or job done and within that not realizing that I was quite obsessive and narrowminded, which means I was actually excluding, disregarding everything else, which might seem as a cool tactic, but within that, and especially after these ‘sessions’ – I always faced with the consequence of totally falling out of my reality for too long, too much, and thus manifesting things, points, with what I actually created the opposite, what I wanted.

For instance, with discipline, I believed that if I just do what’s most important to do, then I will have more time on that by ignoring everything else in my life which should get my attention regularly for a bit, but it was always the opposite.

By disregarding many things which usually do not require too much time to take care of, those grew up into problems and then I had to spend more time with them to solve them and thus ending up with the need to ‘break’ that discipline and eventually losing much more time than I did feel ‘winning’ by only focusing to what was important.

This should be practical common sense 101, but not for me as I always had resistance towards scheduling, regular actions as always felt like as the opposite of freedom, which would be that at any given time I should be able to just do whatever I want, like travel to another country, spend a week in a forest, not specifically about what to be able to do, but about the immediacy, the spontaneity, which I identified with freedom.

I always felt like doing the daily routines makes me total slave, and interestingly I know someone quite close to me who has the opposite perception on that, he NEEDS a regular day job, otherwise he would fall apart.

Well, since my relationship with freedom, much have been changed, certainly my new application of discipline as well, but I never specifically focused to this word with not just letting go, purification, but also the practical re-definition. Well, in fact I did some time ago, but as I am facing greater challenges recently(due to more direct change I apply to my living and also embarking towards new skills and level of dedication), I see the space for support within me to walk this through with self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the ability, possibility and expression to be able to live the word discipline, but not in relation to things outside of me in this world, rather then to see how can I live the word discipline directly here, unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have believed that discipline takes energy to maintain and always resulting with a sacrifice, with what I pay with for it’s sustainment of ‘heightened’ awareness towards something and within that not realizing that it’s based on polarity, self-interest and relying on conditions out of my direct power, thus in reality, it’s not MY discipline, but rather I am being triggered to give my full attention towards something for a specific reason.

I forgive myself that I have not realized to see the way I go into discipline ‘mode’ is actually similar as I go into various specific distractions from presence, and in that matter, I am actually being possessed with an idea of discipline, while all happens is that I am bound to focus towards one particular point, meanwhile disregarding everything else, and thus as applying this, it is not real, self-lived discipline, but as a mind-state, which has beginning and end, and although I might can be convinced, that it’s self-directed, it is not, otherwise I would be able to apply it any time or always.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am justifying why not needing to have discipline all the time in relation to many things, and within it’s essence the very expression to live discipline towards anything, already relies to the ability of living the word discipline myself here directly and within that acknowledging that I am not living discipline and I have not yet established discipline as self-expression, pronounced on it’s ‘natural’ quality, meaning unconditional, unwavering, self-directed, being context aware.

I forgive myself that I have defined discipline as a focus towards one particular point while disregarding everything else and only caring about that goal I am interested within and not realizing that this might work on some short actions, but certainly not in relation to bigger projects, wherein I’d only create more frustration by being unable to maintain this kind of energetic discipline for long enough.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that discipline also can mean to make a commitment and create a trusted relationship with myself in relation to what I am going to accept and allow and what certainly not, and within that how I am going to overcome challenges, temptations, reactions and not give into any excuse and justification WITHOUT needing to have energy, accumulated frustration to fuel such focus.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to give the space and time, trust and opportunity for myself to learn to move without energy, without polarity and judgement, act without frustration and being motivated and care about points outside of me without fear or desire.
I commit myself to develop discipline within myself, in relation to my starting point, my mind and physical body self-expression to not need a reason to be honest with myself and not wait for frustration, self-limitation and anger to appear as an indirect motivation to make me move and focus, as it’s not only counter-productive and self-dishonest, but also undermining self-trust and integrity.

I commit myself to not give into physical body experience resistances, such as dullness, tiredness, which is coming from the mind, as the manifested consequence of judgements towards past acceptances and allowances, which I stand up to, become equal and one by walking self-forgiveness through all the words I become aware of I would react to and I forgive myself to let each go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it’s enough to know that I have discipline, it’s enough to have memories of the past when I had discipline and not realizing that discipline is only real when I am living it without separation of my mind’s knowledge, memory, reasons.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have not yet lived up to my potentials with discipline based on the self-identification with excuses and justifications not yet acknowledged, forgiven, given up as I face my daily applications.

I forgive myself that I have not yet committed myself REALLY to daily application of discipline and within that to see with what and how, first and foremost: why I compromise my discipline and to walk through those points to become disciplined within – even discipline.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the potential I have in terms of letting go self-limitations and honouring life in each breath equally.

When and as I fear I am missing out by applying discipline, because now going into ‘focus mode’, I realize that I do not need to fall into that, to get obsessed with to be able to progress and not fall into temptations to be distracted and giving up, but instead of fighting through these, also I can gently, honestly decompose such patterns for real with living self-forgiveness as actual change.


I will continue to share with my realizations and practical applications on the occasions when I was able to apply unwavering discipline, what I’ve seen as a gift/ability back then, which then later on I abused(thus myself) by excuses, judgments and reactions, thus to diminish it into memory, knowledge and self-definition instead of consistent living application.

Day 301 – Center Presence

img_0911I am sitting here and feeling the blood pressuring in my veins.

I guess I like this experience, because this is an indication that I am not following thoughts, being preoccupied with rushing towards something in the future, but I am quite present.

Although if I would give too much ‘credit’ and positive re-assurance, judgement, definition, it would actually sabotage my presence, as I would program myself to not actually be present, but go into the ‘good feeling’ according to the condition I’ve defined as good, and thus actually ruining it.

I guess it’s the same with all kinds of experiences, even the ones we tend to define or hope to feel as good or positive: in order to become equal and one with it, I have to exist in relationship with something separate from me here directly through the mind.
What a trap – once I locate and accept myself within the mind, in order to not feel separated, alone, powerless, lost, I have to relate, and within that relationship connection condition, I am owned by it – it’s not always easy to explain it but it’s certainly self-enslavement.

I am just chatting with other destonians(guys and gals also write self-honesty blogs and walk the desteniiprocess courses and stop self-dishonest patterns) and I did participate in the chat – and when I type, I read, I kind of disappear from THIS presence experience – not totally, but I become chatting – although it’s normal, in a way I am not entirely satisfied with my presence during communication as in a way, a bit I diminish from this presence.
Important to remark that I tend not to hold onto the totality of the physical presence and want to be aware of that the same way when I do things, but what I see is that I still ‘go into character, pattern, personality’ when I do certain things, and then I return to presence – or not even ‘return’ but to flow into another character/pattern/personality, so ‘naturally’ or fluidly, that I do not even notice, just that the perception of time flows quite inseparably.

Within self-honesty this indicates at least two points to me:

1 I still separate my presence from my ‘life’, still holding onto the ‘meditation’ pattern
2 I still do not direct myself fully present within communication, but acting out patterns, it’s like starting programs and then those run through, and during that time, I am kind of in a limbo.

Sure in case of danger or sudden change of external or internal conditions I could change attitude, but in overall, the consistency of my presence is quite severed and thus my accumulation of self-trust, self-direction is also.

I mean it’s okay to focus to my voice, forming the words, the others who I speak to, but it’s something else if I lose the sense of physical and body experiences meanwhile, that in fact indicates that I do not trust myself to be like ‘I can do this without a pre-programming pattern’ – or judged the expression with ‘I have better things to focus to than to be completely here within this communication’.

In all ways it’s self-dishonest.

What I can do is to look at the most obvious situations/points/experiences within I have the tendency to lose the physical presence awareness – such as talking to a woman I would have great affection to (just an example) or to talk with someone I would despise (another example) – as within these moments rather I have attraction-desire-based distractive patterns overwhelming my presence – or projecting out negative judgements making me becoming reactive and thus distracting me from presence.

That’s why the soap-opera/hollywood/teenage-style love, although feels like overwhelmingly positive, it’s actually self-neglection and distraction from something what would be obvious if I would not go into judgement-based energetic experience.
That’s why huge love can shift into enormous hate I guess, as it’s the same nature of mind-activity, just with the opposite polarity of energetic experience. But equal within it’s nature and my kind of participation in the mind, thus neglection of presence awareness.

Love is just a word, the connection can mean completely different to everyone, thus it’s actually really supportive to investigate our own inner dictionary, what it actually means to feel, experience love – and from that – to actually LIVE LOVE.

I mean how can I live a love what is equal with the partner’s experience and expression too?

I mean I can look like flying on a rainbow, but that’s just an experience – if the other can judge it, and would conclude that ‘okay, he is happy, I should be happy also then’ – and then the other also could experience a sort of love.
But is that real?

I mean this should not be an experience-based thing, it should be expression-based reality.
Everyone can argue on what is real, but a glass of water is obviously much more real, than some energetic butterflies on the stomach.

And if someone defines experiences, feelings as more superior than actual physical facts, well, then we’ve got ourselves a delusion to deal with.

It’s certainly dis-encouraging to see things as they are, especially with so many abuse, horrible things happening all the time, but it does not mean I should become completely sad and depressed from reality. That’s also just the same virtual experience pattern.

This is what makes the greatest difference for me – when I am present, in and as the body, also being aware of my surroundings and what are the facts – I do not value experience more than reality, just because my interest is to have as much positive experience as I can, as I defined myself according to what I experience. No. I am in this world, but it does not mean I have to be of this world. Especially if the world I find myself within is abusive, neglecting or completely lost in mind-oblivion.

Although when I render experience as priority over physical reality, then it feels like a ride, or rather like a slide – and it can be so slippery that I get so preoccupied that I lose presence for a moment. Just enough to not be aware of that preoccupation experience results in an energetic reaction triggering another – and thus I miss being present for minutes or even hours.

That’s also self-dishonest.

Not many people directly aim this point, for instance when I used to learn Aikido, the founder, Uyeshiba Morihei wrote that he was walking around and his pupils always tried to surprise him and ‘attack’ him – and it was impossible, he was always present, thus he was able to apply technique with ease to deal with them.

Or Bruce Lee also wrote about it, how it is a key to be constantly present.

Hey, even Bill Murray have this interview wherein he concludes the same: to be able to be always here. That would be awesome.

And I am not talking about presence as a skill, but as re-birthing-recreating myself as being presence as who I am, no separation, unconditionally, unwavering, consistently. That is not a desire, that is a recognition with common sense of what is the least resistance and friction within to live as.
One might even say, isn’t this also a tactic to ‘escape’ from my mind into this overwhelming experience of physical senses and consistent direction, like a ‘control freak’ – but this is actually the opposite.
In order to be able to be really present – one has to deal with the distractions – and although in my personal life, for a while I was able to suppress a lot of things – that is always temporally and undermines absolute self-trust and consistent presence as relies to energy, conditions, thus within self-honesty that is to be recognized and stopped.

Once one starts to find ‘back’ to physical presence without preoccupation, then will start to see that there are sooooo many points one is (humans are) distracted from presence and they all think it’s the superior act to do so, meanwhile their tiny winy real beingness of who they really are at their center are scared ‘shirtless’ of being completely present, naked of any thoughts/feelings/emotions and to see what is really here.
Including myself. I’ve went through so many experiences, crazy, insane, over the top, mind blowing, extraordinary mind-states, what many people would define as scary, but they all dwarfed by the actual experience of being completely vulnerable in and as this physical presence and embrace what is really-really here.

See, even if one manages to suppress the mind for a moment, regardless of with techniques or substances – within that moment it also can be obvious that I am relying to my mind, and although I am it’s slave, but in fact, I’ve created it, I need it to hide and suppress from who I really am within absolute self-honesty.

That’s what we are dealing with here – to become the one who is able to face and embrace self without any judgement, any energy, any positive or negative experience – and that means to walk through all patterns, personalities, distractions and stop one by one.

This is what process about – every day facing a point and going through and accumulate understanding, direction and trust to be able to look into my eyes and if I see something uncool, then not to get distracted, justified, but then consider and live change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself experiencing ‘physical sensations, presence’ from ‘doing something within what I lose presence and physical awareness’ – and not realizing that within categorizing, I am actually accepting it, instead of looking at the practical points, such as trigger point, actual word of reactions, thoughts, emotions, feelings and to dig down into myself to recognize it’s because I do not trust myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve allowed myself to not trust myself within being able to exist, express myself and deal with what I do in my life without thoughts, feelings emotions and not considering the possibility to directly live words, such as not experience joy, but to live enjoyment, to not feel love, but to live and share care and support, and so on and within that to look at what distracts me from that, what justifies me to arrive with less, here as experiences instead of shareable, real, factual reality and based on that experience trying to act and live in reality, and not realizing that it is not direct anymore and I am stuck with an experience of separation, thus becoming dependent to the mind to feel equal and one with things I separated from myself with the initial judgments at the first place.

I commit myself to accumulate embracing presence, meaning to trust myself to allow myself to remain present and directive at situations I’ve previously defined that I need to think, feel, get emotional about, and to give myself the opportunity to learn directly, just like tiny kids learn to walk, and make mistakes, and within making them, not judge that, or myself, but to re-align and move, move forward unconditionally.

This way I expand with presence, direction and keep stopping patterns of mind-experiences and dare to be exposed to direct living and when it inherently, physically feels scary, remember to breathe and keep pushing through, birthing myself into the physical one breath at a time.

Finally – some random Self-forgiveness on patterns what came up as bothering for a moment – and within that realizing that even the most small point can grow up into annoyance and distraction if I accept/suppress it consistently, so better take responsibility immediately I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about grammar errors I’d leave in my blog thus would define it ‘less quality’ or ‘bad’ or ‘unreadable’ or ‘not serious’ or thus showing an image about me to be ‘uneducated’ or ‘not disciplined’ and within that realizing that this platform and expression is not about to win spelling bee or to be taught as literature, but primarily about decomposing my mind-patterns and to forgive and let go self-dishonesties, fears, resistances, self-limitations to support expansion, awareness and responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider smaller points within my life as relevant, because comparing them with experiences, events, what I had bigger, more intense reactions according to my personality, preferences, self-definitions and within that not realizing that I miss something potentially relevant, supportive, just because accepting to filter out things based on my prejudice.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the less I participate in mind-energy, the more I can be present and to realize that my physical expression, presence and awareness does not require energy, but to support my body and explore and express self-honesty in all moments equally. When and as I am tired, to check if it’s mental or physical and if it’s based on too much preoccupation in the thoughts, feelings, emotions, then to give myself time and space to let all go, to pull myself together and re-align with presence and diligence and discipline does not mean to be busy all the time, but sometimes to give and get a relaxation for 7 minutes can support me to be much more effective, and within that it’s not about the amount of time, but the quality of my presence and direction so to speak, meaning not to act based on reaction, energetic experiences, but with decision, trust, and presence.

That is all for today, daily writing is awesome, I wonder why I omitted this from myself so long…

Day 295 – Driving within presence

img_4848I’ve wrote a big rant on my experiences, impressions, some details of what happened recently, how I felt, but I’ve decided to skip sharing that part – not as it’s secret, just too much detail.
Sometimes I go into more details than necessary and in a way what I recognize, expose, I walk with the Self-forgiveness anyway, so why duplicating?
(For reference, I share the beginning of it to see what I mean by this)

Yesterday night I was driving through the most dense traffic of Saturday night party time of narrow central streets of Budapest and it was almost overwhelming but I was managing it pretty well.

One time I was hesitating for a moment and the car behind me immediately started to honking bluntly, kind of shouting ‘wtf, goooo, now’ – there were people walking up and down, back and forth the road all the time and in at a crossroad there was another car in front of me hesitating and I did not take the momentum immediately, because I was patiently waiting for that car to take the turn as the traffic rules dictated. Actually in these cases I think it’s normal when realizing that the other is too hesitant to take the momentum, but I was rather conservative by considering all the pedestrians around and also the fact that even if I’d take that corner at first, maximum I’d gain 5 seconds, so why the rush actually?

I write about some physical experiences what is related to the abandonment of my effective breathing due to accumulating inner friction:

My hands, palms, fingers become more stiff, gripping, much more than it’s required, and thus actually making my physical feel less sensitive.
It’s like there would be a metal wire in my hands and fingers what become more tight, there is energetic tension within it.
The pressure point in my chest starts to build up on the upper center part and then slowly spreads until I realize that I am lacking oxygen and then start sighing.
My chin pulls in, the whole body tenses up, like awaiting for a smash or hit in any moment, and that also makes it more slowly to react and less ready to anything actually. Like ‘bracing for impact’, even when there is no such experience coming ahead of me.
Also there is annoyance, frustration by things not going how I’d imagine, and in those moments I’d rather focus to what I want to project/manifest into reality than actually see where and how and what I am and what it would require to move ahead exactly. So there is this separation experience, a split in my mind what is kind of self-sabotage as for instance I want to go fast, faster in that moment, but in reality I miss the point that the car is at the edge of balance and if I do not focus to see that, but to what I want to do with the car without considering it – I can push it over.
No wonder there are so many accidents with these sport cars on the street with people who are not trained, educated, skilled to these high performance cars as enough a quarter second to not be here to apply what’s necessary and then the consequences are severe.
Probably those people are losing the direction by going into their mind and not being with the car within presence and when it’s too late, there is nothing to do but physics playing out the consequence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pressure when someone behind me is honking to me, especially when in a way what obviously meaning that the other is being annoyed by me and immediately going into reaction such as feeling ashamed of ‘how bad I am doing right now’ or reflecting it back with anger or annoyance, such as ‘what an a$$h0l3 this guy is’ instead of re-assessing my situation, movement, what to do next and also if possible, what the other is expecting me to perform.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the extreme amount of ineffectiveness I accept and allow when I go into reaction in relation to myself or somebody else, in this car situation who makes signs of me annoying him and focusing to the reaction of this instead of the source and to see is it something I can do to annoy him or not and if seeing that I cannot or deciding not to do, then that’s why not reacting, because I do not need, I understand the situation and keep focusing on effective driving.

When and as I am being honked at by another driver behind me, I check the situation and assess what I can do within safety to proceed effectively or if possible and deciding so, give way to the other to take over me and support him/her within moving faster as might indeed important or if that’s not possible or deciding it’s not practical then remain present, focusing to the driving, road and breathe in and out preventing myself to judge, react, feel pressure or becoming physically uncomfortable.

When and as I experience frustration and annoyance during driving I breathe in and out deeply and let everything go in my mind and also acknowledge that I have the tendency to go faster, care less and thus miss more on the road around me and not realizing that what I ‘win’ by speeding is actually seconds and first and foremost to consider safety. Even when it seems like nobody around the road, it’s always a possibility in the city that something suddenly happens and if I go with 40-50kmh, I can stop much easier and faster than when I go with 60-65kmh.

When and as I feel excited, thrilled, adventurous and challenged during driving faster than it is completely safe and actually legal in the city or on the road I realize that to be consumed by this experience is completely self-interest as not considering everyone else, but my own self-triggered, self-generated experiences while actually being in and as physical reality shared with others.

When and as I want to feel excitement, thrill, challenge, adventure by driving I should consider to go to specific driving area, but not on public road where others are also there and consider safety and actually also that some other people might not having proper skills to handle very fast cars around them and in fact they could make mistakes also and in those situations still I am responsible.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to automatically want to join another car what is taking over around me or going really fast and to think that I can also go that fast and not considering if its really safe and worthy but automatically join that speeding car and not realizing the trigger point in my mind as my own self-judgement of ‘hey if he can go that fast, I also have to, otherwise I would think that I am lesser/weaker/inferior driver’ which I want then to compensate.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that there are two type of drivers who take the opportunity to take over and go fast and the others who are just basically obstacles to the ‘good drivers’.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that if I am being taken over by other drivers with their cars, then I am weaker and I actually miss opportunities to do the same as others and thus moving more effectively, quickly through the city and by missing that, judging myself to be a loser.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that one to be more agile and effective driver has to drive a sporty car, with higher power and agility and if I would start to move with my crossover car more dynamically, people would judge me as a wannabe or a jerk and within that revealing to myself that I use the perception of others to project out self-definitions, using them as trigger points to judge myself completely based on my fears and desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not go as fast as possible within safety, avoiding punishment, annoying others, then that means I do not use the ‘car world’ as effective as it could be, as I should do, therefore I am not using the most potential I could bring out of this and not realizing that this is diversion from more deep, fundamental doubt, distrust within myself in relation to myself and by the judgement and experience of driving wanting to compensate.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel bad when driving by a woman with a little kid on the street by thinking that I am now polluting the air for them with my car just because I feel important to the degree that I can justify polluting the environment and others around me and not realizing that instead of judging myself I could do something differently, such as minimizing car usage, accumulating effort to have electric car and also to embrace the fact that if I go to urban areas, there will be women with kids, so if I really do not want to make them ‘smell my stinky car smog’, then I should not go to the city by car at all and within that realizing that my reaction is just hypocrisy as not wanting to give up driving, just creating inner friction and shame without any practical reason or real re-consideration of the consequences of my actions.

In overall, preventing to go into reactions while being in heavy traffic in the city is more substantial, now I face an interesting phenomenon: sometimes I just submit into the traffic too much, meaning I totally accept that now this kilometer I will have to go in first gear within 10 minutes and it can happen that I actually miss something to recognize and do to make my situation easier, such as seeing an alternative route to take, changing lane more wisely, but often not taking those opportunities as thinking ‘it does not matter, I might just ‘win’ one minute, so why bother to make such efforst, such as indicate my movement to the others, ask/make them possible me to change my course, then go through the usually more complicated alternate route, just for winning one or two minutes, which seems not much, but sometimes it can actually make a difference, and I tried to apply a pattern again – see, how much effort I take to backtrack, stop and de-program my automatic pattern making and taking, and here I am, facing with another pattern.

So it’s a great example to recognize, that even if I stop a pattern, it’s not the end of it, I have to find really practical ways to add to the blank page with effort, research, otherwise I might just ‘allow’ to take another inefficient, ineffective, or even directly self-dishonest patten to take place.

Alright, this is it for this post, I see at least several more points to write about driving, but soon I will wrap it up as there are other points also to be walked in regarding to support breathing awareness in all areas of my life.

For instance one topic is when I encounter beggars among the roads/red lights, how I behave with them, what reactions I experience within. Another topic is the taking care of the car point, considering time, tools, skills and money and my reactions to these points.

Well if I go into detailed specifics, reflecting back my behavior and reactions on any kind of road, such as highway, where encounters are quicker and bit intensified by the stakes so to speak…It’s interesting to realize that walking self-honesty is completely independent on what I actually participate within – hiking or programming, driving or taking shower, diswashing or dancing, making videos or watching a film. Also great to acknowledge that nothing can be real excuse to stop self-dishonesty, but the total self-identification with self-dishonesty itself, and then I believe I protect myself, my cause, my love(d ones), but in fact only my limitation, belief, delusion, fear. So that’s why I do not actually mind(interesting phrase actually) to walk driving itself in details. These days I spend quite some amount of this, so I utilize it for transcendence. If I would be cage-fighter, I’d use that for sure. So.

In overall, having access to car can be great support, not just for normal living, like commuting, shopping, travelling, but also to utilize to effective move within the system, meet people, organize, get things done, but by looking at the numbers of how many cars are, how much people suffer by them, it’s obvious that it is screaming for optimization and constant evolving, which for it’s also cool to decompose the pre-accepted patterns in relation to our relationship to cars to be able to see the bigger picture, consequences, etc.

That’s it for now, thanks, enjoy breath, bye