Day 382 – Dance party mind self-correction


All pictures are from other past events

(Oupps, this post became a bit longer than planned, apologies, just needed to walk through this all. I will focus more on structuring in the next post.)

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed to realize the simplicity within Disciplined Living as Self-honesty, whereas I keep expressing myself to direct myself through the mind, as physical expression in any and all moments, meaning whenever I see reaction, emotional buildup, doubtful thoughts, I disengage within understanding and re-aligning with practical common sense.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the tendency of accepting self-dishonesty in any specific aspects of my every day living is what I need to pinpoint with wording and not forgetting those in order to be able to recognize the pattern BEFORE participating.

I really enjoy to be at new situations, and if I look at it with virgin eye, especially living after some decades – there is always a pattern, such as relating to something from my past – and the fallacy into self-dishonesty is something I have to work on becoming aware of, basically all the time.

I was out with my colleagues, bar and clubbing experience. Most of them were drunk, I was completely sober. My mind was flooded with all kinds of patterns to relate, to categorize and justify based on my past and I had to admit that regardless of all my efforts to remain present, directive, some of those patterns were triggered and I got ‘under the influence’ of several specific convictions.

It was fascinating to discover what are the specific points I was reacting to and thus slipping back to my obviously self-dishonest patterns.

I do not really see that the exact details and patterns do matter this much to others, however the structured walk through those could be assisting to others as well.

And of course, it is definitely supporting me to walk through, thus it’s a genuine self-enjoyment to write and share these as it is literally The Journey To Life from Consciousness System to Living Awareness.

Let’s walk some of those patterns here, what went through my mind:

The music was crap, some retro-pop, the sound system was sounding horribly, was calibrated wrong and were bashing my ears quite much, every time we had to talk, had to shout.

The music itself was mostly very repetitive and primitive to my taste and even the DJ and his mixing abilities were atrocious, thus mostly was a direct crossfade to completely different vibes, rhythms or types.

My friends were so drunk, they could not care less about what we were dancing to, and their full-blown careless enjoyment in fact tainted me to elevate me from the ridiculousness of the music and sounds to actual enjoyment anyway.

There were ladies, actually many, mostly were gangs of 3-6, they were also kind of illuminated and most of them seemed to enjoy the music thus were dancing to their individual preferences. I speak about Ace of Base, Shakira and all other kinds of pop I do not really recognize or know.
It seemed normal to have fun with them as just with anyone else, although I know that I am good with dancing and moving, I just did not really feel right to directly contact or interact with them, which was interesting to notice, so I looked further why.

Some were more open to interact with our group, some weren’t – I was wondering if I should now engage or not, some of them seemed to be even attractive to my norms to a certain extent, and when I was wondering about that, I just kept finding reasons and justifications why not to – I mean if I really look anyone, I can find imperfection, especially in a badly lighted drunken dancefloor, and I realized this is just weird not to enjoy and have fun, but to squander around in my mind to decide if I want or not to get closer to women as for fun or potential friendship or even partnership. Typical mind-slippery slope, one becomes righteous and what thoughts come, just accept as self and becomes so, directed by and completely inferior to.

That moment of stopping self-expression during dance was enough to get a ‘feeling weird’ moment among them and I decided to decide (funny) not to care about women and my desire to ‘get’ a woman.
“I am with my friends, there is a reason to this party, so that’s why I am here, period.”

But I saw, it’s obviously a stinky reasoning – as it came, and why, I saw, I am limiting myself by some unadmitted fear.

Of course, this was just seconds in the party, but due to extensive amount of experience and exploration on dance floors in my past, this is truly one of my ‘I am at home’ situations, thus this uncomfortability was shaken off in less than a minute, but I saw several points what I am lacking to directly be aware of and position myself to a stable, consistent, self-trusting self-agreement about the surfaced points.

And just as life could not be more fun, after all the excuses of ‘there is noone here who would really make me being interested’, I have noticed a lady who just seemed like out of perfection to my personally pre-programmed desirable image and likeness, and I had to realize the ridiculousness of my current mind-setup about this.

I walked through the crowd and looked into her eyes and it ‘seemed’ that there is a mutual interest, like ‘hey, you seem interesting, hm’ – but in that minute we were about to leave as my team’s decision, which, actually I have initiated to resonate among us and they all agreed upon already, so I left with a quirky smile on my face.

There is no rocket science of that triggering about why this ‘she is grand’ condition was activated – she had cute and attractive face, tall and thin body with a dress just revealing enough in a still socially acceptable way. It’s probably just for me, but she was like a swan among ducks to me and in that moment I also realized, I am just falling into this pattern, well, not the first time in my life.

Even within that ‘sweet’ mind-high moment of judging her as pleasant, her heels were quite high which I clearly remember, defined as ‘hmm maybe too much’ but in overall, this was still like ‘hmm, cool’.

Also, by reflecting back from her, I felt my body, face and dressing to be uninteresting and kind of inferior towards the judgments I have projected towards her and thus I even had a slight doubt, as I just went out to a pub to say good bye to a resigning colleague friend, and the night turned into this club-dancing blast.

And of course, she was with a guy, who she was smiling with, thus I concluded, she might have a boyfriend already, probably, so this is just it and let’s just move on. *Sigh.

I felt that I should stretch my spine to stand as more straight and push my chest forward, my chin up as I started to lose my presence into the mind completely, thus these physical alignment points are here to assist me to return HERE with common sense, instead of keep falling into justifications, doubt and self-limitation. So then I was able to step out from this pattern eventually with a big deep breath from the cool city air outside.

This is kind of a start for establishing a sort of physical timeline of points I see, can directly realize as points of self-dishonest participation within my mind.

Relevant to note, there is nothing wrong, I am certain of, if I have preferences, decisions and I act upon those, especially about partnership, however when I am influenced by my past, which I have not yet walked to forgive, understand and let go, based on convictions, definitions, another self-dishonest reactions, then I am literally gullible to act upon something which is not resulting to direct self-expression within honesty with myself to the utmost, as probably not really and directly relevant to what is actually here in real time.
Or if putting so much attention to one aspect only, such as visuals, I am might be possessed or obsessed with it for a reason what might also hide self-dishonesty, which again: deserves self-introspection and if needed: correction as well. Not saying one should not consider the look as well, but when one has the tendency to just ‘fall’ into someone based on that only, that’s a good sign that it’s probably a massive mind-construct is waiting to be walked through.

One might argue, why to strive and struggle towards something like ‘utmost, perfect honesty with myself’, as everyone has their own past and moments of doubts and worries, preferences and illogical things, that makes us humans – it’s just I do not accept myself to remain limited, especially not by my own self-limitations based on something I did or believed, feared of or desired in the past.

Also there were several reference points which made me compare myself in a kind of ‘right’ way with others, for instance there was one of my friends, who had no difficulty to approach ladies, hold their hands, dance with them, although there was nothing sexual or mating about it – for instance he is married and still, he can dance with ladies in a ‘respectable’ way and I saw that this is the case, he just had some fun moments without considered to be cheating. I was pretty sure about that he had no intent to pick up ladies, he just had some ‘normal’ dance and fun.

I saw that I am not like that, I am rather a bit antisocial in this sense, as I do not approach ladies, even just as part of the ‘normal’ fun on the dancefloor.

My type of parties, I used to conditioned to were mostly trance parties, where people are a bit more isolated as many can be on drugs and have the stimulation coming from inside more than outside, not generally always being this the case, but that I was more comfortable with.
When visited folk music events for instance, it’s more about everyone interacting, dancing, holding hands, shoulders, hips and do some ‘traditional-like’ dancings, which I never got absolutely comfortable with, and it’s like a trap of 22 – I do not have enough experience and skill to do that, but because of that I do not even try to do it, thus will not have experience, and thus I am doomed to avoid it, yet kind of missing it as well.
Because of worry if I make mistake or not being able to do a perfect way instantly – and it is a typical self-dishonesty point as well.

IMG_0599There were ‘gate’ points wherein I saw the opportunity to bridge through my experienced isolation, for instance with those ladies, who were ‘not my type’ (I quote points what are kind of mind-patterns just to be more obvious in this writing), yet I fell into the definition of objects, thus I had this separation experience as them there, vs me here.
So I had the intent to release a desire and find target for it, and in the process of ‘matching’ out there to the subject for it, I lost my ability to really connect with them, regardless of the ‘matching’ process of ‘true or false’.

As with the ones I concluded as ‘not interested really’ – based on behavior and how they look, I decided to not even try to interact with them on the dancefloor, kind of ignoring them, while in a way I also noticed the same they seemed doing with me, just ignoring me, although we were a meter away.

This is something I can relate to with my experience at goa trance parties experience, when I am ‘whole’ – there is no them or me, separation or even desire – rather seems like a safe, mischievous game.

Also at times, when I went there with ladies I know, we always had a blast together, great connection, dance and flow, but then it was obvious from the beginning, we arrived together, had fun together too, was no need to do ‘first contact’.
Either way, I was preprogrammed of when and how I am comfortable and certain.

And this way it SEEMS unlimited, because of the rules I’ve formed already and in between those I am confident, safe and free. But the moment I disregard a single rule, I am about to experience friction.

One for instance: not to try to pick up a lady there. Many occasions there were quite obvious signs that ladies showed interest to connect with me on various levels, even just dancing with or talking to – I used to say – I am not here to date, but dance and have fun with my friends.

This came back again – not that women were ‘hitting on’ me, just they were so close, I was triggered by my suppressed desire and judgments of beauty and attraction.

And all of a sudden I find my limitations – shall I or how to approach them, what if something is not great, I would be refused for instance or turns out the lady I get together with is not someone I would date for long term, what if my hair is wrong, all the stupid worries a teenager boy would think of in front of a lady he likes.

So then, at this party, as it was different than I used to go to – had to ‘realign’ with my rules, and then I stated – I am here just for fun with my friends, not to get women.
All of a sudden all is more clear again, I do not have friction, I kind of relax, no need to hunt, no need to look all the 50 points I should consider.

I guess, that’s why people drink alcohol, so those mind-systems are inhibited, so people just engage, try and see what happens.
Meanwhile other part of their mind-system is boosted, such as desire, directness, so they feel empowered to do things uninhibited, things they would not do sober.

So this is just an example of how much one can see and work with one’s self-dishonesty and self-limiting mind to reveal.

Also, it is the first step to acknowledge, to write down, and then the investigation starts, why and how I got to this point, what exactly happened in the physical timeline in relation to reality around me, what I did, felt and thought.

This allows me to start applying self-forgiveness on the patterns of self-dishonesty, what I have allowed and accepted to become me, but I give myself a chance to change, to stop and discover another ways to act in these specific situations.

It might take a while, days, weeks, sometimes even months to walk through big points within, but once real change starts, I guarantee that everyone would say ‘yes, it is worthy’ as we actually do not know how much limitation we accept within ourselves until we start unshackling those chains and discover how much free and enjoyable our life can be if really becoming self-honest.

For instance a question: why would be a problem if I approach a lady and she would say no?
It’s alright – she has the right – am I less if she says no? No.
I mean the exact same thing I expect me to have – the ability to say no to a person who I do not want to be with.

If then the fear kicks in of what if all ladies who I like say no, then what I should do?
Am I then remaining alone forever? No – but in the mind, time is quite a relative thing, fear really can bend it, thus seems scary and final, but in reality – there are other opportunities, maybe even at the same party, maybe on an another next day or week.
Or if not, then I might need to reconsider my attitude, my approach, my presentation, starting point, selection or desire.

So if one has the ability to see through these patterns with practical common sense, then these typical things, for what we tend to apply rules to protect ourselves from experiences we define as uncomfortable, such as rejection, self-judgement.

But has to take the time to slow down within to see each details – and it is a skill, an ability, which has to be developed, grown, become, and takes effort and time.

That’s why writing a diary, a blog with the starting point of self-honesty(no finger pointing to others, no blame, but bringing back all to self and to see if am I accepting any belief, hope or lie and if so, to commit myself to stop it and find a practical way to do so)

Desteni I Process LITE is the perfect introductory course for the basics, as one can do it online for free, with daily, short assignments and a guide there, who already know how to walk this understanding and self-honesty change.

The Desteni I Process PRO course is for deeper understanding, that is where the physical timelines are being walked, to find not just conscious patterns, but subconscious too, to be able to understand – and change – more with more disciplined, and more assignments. There is also a buddy in the system, who with one have regular chats to be assisted and cross-referenced through the establishment of self-honesty, meaning cross-referencing perception with facts, as human mind alone can be self-deceptive in a very convincing way, thus the another person, who already walked similar path. The DIP PRO course is not free, but it’s a significantly more effective way to support self-honesty. There is even a way to apply for sponsorship, so it’s not about the money, however if someone can pay the course fee, then supporting a whole network of other people who are supporting others, also developing similar new courses and of course, the website hosting and online presence also has some costs, what is nice to be covered.

It’s all about putting out there the support and make it obvious how people can assist themselves – as it’s always self-movement, no course exists what can change for us, we have to walk it, but there is a lot of people who are willing to support, the same way as they were also supported before.

I am going to walk the rest of self-forgiveness for my patterns shared for today to support understanding and prepare myself to find practical ways to stop those self-limitations and figure out what I really want and then live it within self-honesty.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the self-limitations I define myself in order to create a bubble of friction-free, conflict-avoiding experience for myself within excuses and justifications and convictions about why I do not want what makes me conflicted, fearful, anxious or worried.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from rejection in general, believing that it means I am not good enough, I am stupid, awkward and ugly, meanwhile if I look at it without any emotional pressure, just common sense, I would say, I am fine and it’s a self-sabotage, which is hiding layered another self-interest protection not to be discovered by me, such as not wanting to get attached to people, not want to compromise my perceived freedom and the fear of not being a nice person, if I would be honest the way actually I also would like to be honest with.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can any time expose my perpetuated self-honesty as a lie by not giving to others what I would like to receive in the situation of dating and partnership, because of the values I hold onto and self-definitions I try to follow in order to remain within the self-defined self-limited self-definition system, such as not wanting to reject others as I feel that I would feel bad if I would be rejected, meanwhile directly seeing that rejection is normal, everyone cannot say yes to everyone all the time to everything, it’s common sense.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see points within me with what I can generate self-judgement, resulting in doubt and self-compromising non-action mode, instead of applying common sense to all those points about what are those, what I can do about those, if I should and establish a clarity and self-agreement with myself, for instance how I find myself presentable and if not, why, what I should do about it and what is the extent I should go, and to see, if any fear is behind of any action, and then apply self-forgiveness and bring back myself to facts, reality, practicality here.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to give to others what I would like to receive, the ability to say no, or reject things I would offer, and fearing to be rejected, instead of accepting the ability to response and be responded to and thus form and grow, instead of falling into fear and not acting to avoid the things I fear, meanwhile what I really fear is just an inflated thing, in reality it’s absolutely no problem.
  • I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself about the points I can give into fear and thus speed up in my mind based on the scenarios I want to avoid and within that not seeing that some of those are completely alright, but I still accept to fear to face, such as rejection, someone’s judgement, being inexperienced or awkward in situations I did not allowed myself to experience or grow with, thus sabotaging my natural trust and grow.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to bastion myself around with excuses and justifications to specific situations in order to avoid friction inside and thus feeling conflicted within in order to not need to face these self-limitations and aspects of myself naturally wanting to grow, such as casual fun with females without objectifying.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge objectifying women as bad, however not being aware of how I can be participating in the same behavior without realizing, such as when being at a party and judging and reacting to women on the dancefloor based on how they look and how I rate them in my mind automatically to always establish an automatic approach of how much I am attracted to them based on their look, behavior and sound.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that I have a specific ‘type’ of women who I am attracted to, based on my past and preconditioning and not wanting to give up, but also not wanting to take responsibility for as believing to be limiting and not nice, yet not giving up either, thus not being certain, not being honest and not being directive within my actions either.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that some self-definitions I deliberately keep, even within walking the process of self-honesty as believing to have the right to do so and justifying it with that this is my true and natural self-expression, yet not being absolutely sure about it and thus allowing doubt about it, inner friction, causing me to be awkward and stumbling.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am not being clear towards women who are strangers and not yet placed in my social halo as ‘potential partner prospect’ or ‘accepted as not potential partner prospect’ and based on that not being sure how to behave with them, what’s appropriate or beneficial, and not realizing that this separation is self-dishonest, because completely relies and biased by my self-interest yet not wanting to admit it because then I would need to face the fact that I have to let it go completely, which I do not want to do for a reason I do not admit to myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not slow down within, backtrack and debug, understand and expose my mind-s movement within me at the moment of being triggered by ‘a striking beautiful woman’ to see what it is I am valuing, how and why.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized, admitted and acknowledged that when I value a woman based on look, of what I defined as valuable, that it is related to doubt, fear and self-hate to be balanced out, suppressed down and distracted from by the value I’d perceive by the person’s decision to choose to be with me, thus having this positive affirmation to a negative starting point within, instead of directly opening up and seeing these points within me to start forgiving and releasing at the first place, thus, instead of remaining dependent on energy, others and judgement, projection and desire; to be able to establish self-trust, self-value and self-love directly.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized in the moment of self-compromise within a situation I have preprogrammed myself not to look beyond my self-limitations, because each of those I can justify in any second, and this is automatic, creating self-interest, protecting it and automatically avoiding to challenge my beliefs, yet not realizing that in each moment I accept an excuse, it becomes more automatic, and the way is to apply self-forgiveness to see, realize and become aware of those self-compromises.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about how I look and behave, but not investing effort to review if those worries are relatable to reality or not, and if so, what I could actually do about those, for instance if I worry that my hair is weird, because I cut it myself, I can ask someone to help fixing it or paying for hairdresser, but as I have defined that it’s too much time and money to waste, I am doing myself, yet not being satisfied with the result, accepting conflict within, doubt and uncertainty, and at situations, when doubt is triggered, confidence is challenged, I automatically jump back to this – and other similarly self-made up – point and re-energize the doubt, the reason why I should justify to remain doubtful, thus to limit my expression what would expose me to the worries I try to avoid to be triggered.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about not having specific skills or abilities in order to engage to specific social activities, yet whenever I would have opportunity to express, practice, live or expand with, I automatically justify ‘being not good with’ instead of simply doing it and learning, finding out who I am within that.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from rejection as then I would define myself to be not good enough and I would define myself as worthless and not realizing that the initial experience of worthlessness is already self-accepted and present within me and my mind, and trying to avoiding to be triggered by not engaging into activities wherein I would be able to judge myself as such, and thus believing to be not limited, meanwhile it is literally the definition of self-limitation.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the positive self-affirmations about what I am good with based on feelings and experiences and not realizing that where is positivity, there is negativity as the only way to create positive energy is by also creating negative, thus all is self-created, and if I accept myself to be driven by, addicted to, mesmerized by positive and negative experiences, I am the slave of my self-delusion.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge music as primitive and define it as annoying and only being able to enjoy music if it is part of my self-defined type of goodness, otherwise automatically closing down and rejecting it and thus predetermining my experience towards it, instead of truly being here in the moment and trusting myself – whether I stay and enjoy or stay and not reacting to it, or even to decide to leave, but without thinking, judging, feeling good or bad, as direct self-expression.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge music, sound system and people based on the quality I define these to be according to my past and self-definitions and anything ‘less than’ I judge any of these and I would feel superior and better or more refined or higher than this, I stop, breathe and realize that it is not about the judgement, the definition, but who I am directing myself to be in this very moment of exposure of such experience.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have developed and accepted a bunch of rules to define to me what is good and acceptable, what is bad and unacceptable and stop questioning myself, reality, direct experiences, but limiting myself with these rules to form my roles in society, and even within obvious and serious self-limitation situations, not stopping participating within those self-definitions limitations, but rather justifying them, identifying them as who I am and thus protecting my interest, not seeing that it is due to fear as conserving the same fear essence moment at the inception of those specific self-definitions from my past to keep bringing with me all the time but being shielded from by the interest of not wanting to experience the fear directly, yet still being limited by.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress desire towards qualities projected to women thus developing a desire to women in general and not realizing that this desire is not direct self-expression, thus manifesting separation within from real expression HERE in the physical, and thus allowing the tendency to objectify women based on the SUBJECT of my desire, a hope for fulfilling it with a woman or women in general.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the inflation of suppressed sexual and other desires towards women which by manifesting my behavior not being direct and honest with myself or with women in general, because always categorizing, rating, defining, measuring, comparing them and based on that behaving in relation to or with them.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity to treat women as beings nothing special and thus being able to see the person, not the projection I created within my mind and thus not being mesmerized by looks and expectations, and therefore limiting my expression based on a desire I suppress and want to live out, based on qualities I do not find ways to express myself alone and defined myself being dependent on women in order to being able to live those qualities I lack or defined myself lacking.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I define dancing, when its not trance dance to be about mating and partnering, hooking up, because people touch, hold hands or hug, therefore being triggered by sexual desires and thinking and thus categorizing as something what it is not.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to remain casual, confident and actually being able to enjoy presence, party and self-expression when about to talk with partner prospect(s) as allowing worry as defining high stakes here, instead of being myself, expressing myself, trusting myself and to see who with I connect naturally, mutually and allowing this whole partner thing to be just as every day, normal expression, as anything else.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become obsessed with picture presentations of people, ladies and myself as well and defining it to be the highest value, meanwhile de-prioritizing everything else, thus limiting my perception, because believing the visual to be the most value, because that is what everyone can see, define and value by, and not admitting that wanting to compensate a doubt by this value, which is completely subjective and inflated.
  • I forgive myself that I have defined myself that my type is the thin and tall and all other else are inferior in terms of subject of my partner prospect desire, just because I defined that to be the most attractive to me, therefore that definition is who I am and I must be honest to me when admitting it, just because when I had that type of girlfriend, I was extensively able to enjoy that kind of visual and body type, and wanting to be stimulated the same way again.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that at this moment almost all of my partnership did not end well, and certainly ended, therefore anything I remember and want to re-do or recollect might not be the best, or at least does not make sense to exclude anything else based on the thought pattern of ‘if I chose this in the past, I must like that only and must choose the same in the future too’ – instead of letting go the categories at all and to see what works in the moment and when seeing energy reaction to visuals, categorization or value – to apply self-forgiveness and step out from the self-stimulation based on value and in fact doubt and fear.

DSC_0437Self-forgiveness assists to walk through patterns I was not directly aware of before – or even if I was – by writing down, I open myself up and see – what this opens up further.

SOUNDING these Self-forgiveness sentences assist by directly seeing and adjusting what I miss between those lines and gives the ability to see what I react to based on that and to refine, to specify and expand with to cover the points I was not aware of this much before. Especially about the consequences I manifest and the responsibility I have, along with the actual opportunity to change by prevention, by redefinition and a more aware self-expression.

So, this is it for now, enough to see those patterns before manifesting to keep revealing the patterns, and closing this with some self-commitments and self-corrective preparatory statements.

I commit myself to expose any original negative experiences in relation to myself which would cause me to strive towards seek out positive affirmations with others, creating attraction, desire and value based on automatically triggered, preconditioned polarity categorization, so then I can see the patterns before participating, bring myself here, keep myself at presence, at center, as a whole to see what’s of the energy mind, what’s real and support self-expression directly.

I commit myself to stop judging people based on their looks, trust myself with the empty mind, have a feel, have an experience, have a direct living and to see what works what not and not to automatically fall into the polarity of good and bad, nice or ugly, as realizing – those were conditioned into my mind, and if I am slave of those, I am less than who I accept myself to be as puppet of what I see.

I commit myself to stop defining music based on how simple or popular it is, rather to see if I enjoy it or not, if anything is brought up from my mind with the music, it is not the music itself what is not cool, but I have a point to work with within self-honesty to forgive and let go.

I commit myself to stop falling into energetic mind experiences by not realizing the physical presence, consistency and factual truth here, and believing that what I experience is more relevant than what is here, thus justifying why I do not need to always consider what’s here – so

I commit myself to direct myself to explore my limits with feeling and being in and as the physical and keep expanding with those limits with living self-forgiveness in all moments equally.

I commit myself to communicate with myself to agree with points I am not clear within and falling into thinking mind patterns to help me to tell me who I supposed to be in relation to those, so in those situations, I stop, I breathe and I see what I direct myself to live as and then trusting myself – and if not the best for all participants, including me, I stop again and re-align, re-decide and start living that – always in clarity.

When and as I fall into the thinking mind about who is good or bad for me as partner, I stop and realize that I have no idea, only having memories and judgments, and until I did not try, live and experience, I literally can’t know.

When and as I am losing presence, especially at a directly physically active situation, such as dancing, starting to feel emotions, feelings, such as strange, awkward, inferior or confused, I realize, because of the mind-thought-pattern I was just participating in, thus I snap out of it, I breathe, I move myself and let it go and focus to what’s here.

When and as I see patterns reoccuring in regaring to relaxing, party, dance or social events, I apply self-forgiveness, I write down, I walk through the mind-constructs, establishing physical timeline to reveal the specific self-dishonesty patterns and support myself with preventing self-forgiveness, self-correction and self-commitment statements.

Please, check out the redesigned EQAFE website, there is so much support, wisdom and practical change guidance shared there, it’s one of a kind in this world!



Day 353 – Relationship mind decomposition

IMG_0696Continuing from my last post, to decompose my submissive and insecure attitude towards relationships based on worry. This post became a bit longer, but certainly helps me to understand the specificity of what and how to change.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within any relationship with anyone, I am extending my already existing and self-created, self-accepted definition of and approach as Relationship to live and within that not realizing that whenever I have difficulty, conflict and problem within relationship with someone, it is to check, is there any self-dishonesty about my starting point to the Relationship, specifically my own relationship with myself and the word relationship itself.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define relationship as unpredictable, uncontrollable, difficult to define/control or understand, – in overall, as believing that I am best and simplest, easiest and more natural with myself only, and whenever I RELATE – it’s something added onto it already, which can make it heavier, complicated, vague, untrustworthy and difficult and within that not realizing that whatever I add, associate to, relate with and I am not exactly, specifically aware of, then there is something unconscious manifestation I accept to influence and control me without knowing how and thus also being unaware of to see: is it supportive or not, self-honest or not, and thus making me not being the directive force in my life, also not being certain that if I do the best possible approach, and thus giving space to accept and allow doubt and distracting emotional reactions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that I am actually aware of that I am uncertain on my own approach to things, relating to anything/anyone, yet not focusing, opening up, seeing, realizing and understanding it with absolute specificity, but rather reacting with emotional charge, which then I fuel into trying to balance out with suppression and ‘experience it’ as control from my mind, which then projecting out to others as believing that they try to control the situation and ME – thus unconsciously desiring for, accepting want more control, to take initiative, to take over, to dominate with a self-convinced belief that it would be the best, yet when it’s about action, suddenly I am not being sure, not opening up, not communicating and thus not solving in action: manifesting another layer of reason to give into self-judgement and doubt and completely missing the original point: suppression and fear of mistake, failure, fear of loss.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that others want to control me, direct me, influence me and within that generating fear and resistance to hear them, embrace them and see situation and others as equals as constantly trying to balance out a fear of being controlled, projecting out that the other is trying to control me, instead of realizing that it is all happening within my own mind: I submit to my own mind’s movement, judgement, conviction, yet I also resist it as somewhat seeing that it’s not right and within that experiencing submission to fear of being controlled and believing that the other person creates this and accepting to trigger to experience insecurity within by the projection/perception of ‘they’ attempt to control me, which then manifests as self-dis empowerment.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to control the relationship with another, because perceiving that how the other approaches does not/will not work, and I have to ‘save it’, otherwise it will fall and within that arrogance/act of superiority/savior – not realizing that it’s projection, compensation for the self-accepted experience of doubt, feeling of being controlled and the experience of insecurity and self-dis-empowerment.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I only can be controlled by anything or anyone for what I give permission to and within that not realizing that indeed I have tendency and automatic, unconscious behavior of submission into a relationship with someone based on that original perception and fear of that the other is controlling/dominant, meanwhile in fact I only submit into my own mind experiences, thoughts, feelings and emotions, and denying responsibility, projecting it out to someone or something else and within that not realizing that I give my power away.(‘they do this to me’ — instead of ‘I create this experience this and that way’)
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within relationship, in order to work, I have to give up part of myself, as believing that the another also has to give up part of themselves, kind of a mutual compromise in order to ‘meet at half way’ and thus to create this perceived ‘equality’ and not realizing that what I perceive as giving up ‘part of myself’ is self-dishonest, based on fear, yet I experience it like as a sacrifice to the ‘altar’ of ‘relationship’ and not realizing how twisted and self-dishonest this whole approach actually is, because it’s becoming about who gives up enough/more and not about how to assist and support ourselves and each other with what’s practically liveable mutually.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the very moment of moving my focus/responsibility/direction outside of me here within action, this ‘act’ of relating within ‘relationship’, the very essence of attempt of connect is where I must explore more to see/realize and understand each and every single definition, association, feel, sense of, intuition and any kind of not exact, clear and specific understanding of what I am doing; as whenever I relate, connect and thus form any kind of relationship, because this ‘lean’ from PRINCIPLE as SELF AS LIFE towards ‘projecting what others do to me’ means giving up into a compromise for a value of an experience/delusion bubble, just not to need to take the courage to own my experiences and responsibility, and not realizing that this delusion will not last and within that not realizing what lasts as solution: action towards what’s practically best for all participants.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have allowed to have uncertainty, doubt, insecurity within any relationship I form with anything or anyone without being aware of it, and if I would really look at the specific relationship in it’s context, I would discover and reveal, become aware of and understand that there is doubt and insecurity already associated, involved with my participation automatically and by accepting this doubt and insecurity, I accumulate more doubt and more insecurity, instead of standing up and letting all go and stick to physical, cross-reference-able facts and practical common sense to see what’s real about any source of doubt, and within that to realize how can I stop it, re-align myself to facts, thus start trusting myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that I have failed all of my previous partnerships/relationships, because they all ended and if one is not ‘stands’ ‘forever’/’until death’, then it means it did not work well, thus was not good enough; I was not good enough, thus I have to be better, and not focusing on the how and why, but to the experience and judgement of ‘failure’ and ‘not good enough’, instead of realizing that practicality means facts, common sense, ground to earth action – as only that can bring solution.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become mesmerized by my mind, fear, petrification of worry and doubt, insecurity and uncertainty to the point of losing awareness of practical common sense, stick to actions, facts, physical reality about how a relationship can be supportive and liveable mutually – instead of within these moments, when these worries would overwhelm me, to support myself to breathe, slow down within, forgive myself and re-align back to earth, literally.
  • I forgive myself that I have not named all scenarios of doubting myself and relationship with someone and describe the trigger point, my judgement, reaction specifically, so then I can really start working on them, each with real time application.
  • I forgive myself that I have not worded down, named and uncovered, understood all of the doubt, self-judgement points, scenarios, memories and thought-patterns within myself, because if I would, I would have to realize the extent of self-delusion, the gravity of the situation of my self-dis-empowerment, which then I would worry that then I would judge myself more extensively, thus I would dig myself deeper within self-pity, self-doubt and self-dishonesty and within that not seeing/realizing and understanding that no matter how dire the situation is, the first step towards solution is ALWAYS to directly face, understand it as clearly as possible and meanwhile committing myself not to judge myself and to see that it might be difficult, but it’s the only way to freedom and change, which I really want, always wanted and in fact it is always one breath and action away.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if two people can’t continue together and they split, that does not mean it was total failure, a defeat, but it’s opportunity to re-consider and to realize mistakes, NOT to judge, but to bring all back to self and to commit myself to correct myself, to do not make those mistakes again – and do not fall into doubt and worry, but to accumulative practical actions, if necessary, write lists: “about these points I did good”, “those I did not good” – why? – how? If I can ask the other, to be honest, can be supportive, but if other does not wishes to, I also can ask someone else to talk with and to see it more objectively.

Where the control/submission point can comes in?

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to control things/myself/other within relationship, otherwise it would not work, or I could not trust the relationship and/or the other participant, because what I have concluded is that the other does not know or does not care about what I see as ‘not going well’ and within that not realizing that I give into fear, fear of loss and start acting upon it, instead of stop my emotions before communication and to become specific of what I accept/expect within relationship, starting to live that with and as self and thus to give what I’d like to receive within the relationship as well.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if there is no communication within the relationship, then I should fear of losing it, I should start defining it as ‘falling’, and thus defining myself as failure and not realizing that it’s not about the relationship with the other actually, but who I accept myself to be with myself – when I keep wanting to relate, rely to, to have, to own, to cling onto and control something, otherwise I would feel myself alone, lost, incomplete, weak.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up communicating, sharing points I see within relationship to perfect, to improve, when after one or several attempts my experience is that the other does not hear, listen or care and not realizing that to give up without and before trying different ways, tone, wording, medium or approach is giving up on myself and manifesting as suppression, instead of realizing that to stick to principles I commit myself to live, here such as keep specifying, finding approach to reach the other with my communication if I see that it’s really important for the other to become aware of.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself if I stand alone as incomplete, weak, unable to experience, give/receive love/care/share and within that defining it as hollow, bad, avoidable, something to not like, resist and wanting to avoid by forming and maintaining relationship with someone else, separate from me, through desire/attraction/love/ideas/images/value/sex, instead of realizing that I can learn and expand, discover and live strength, courage, soothing, and to be wholesome directly and walk my process of self-forgiveness and self-correction to be able to really explore what these word mean in practical action as living self-love, regardless of anyone or anything in this world.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have the tendency to forget that I have defined myself as not nice, unattractive, weak and not stable enough, not valuable and untrustworthy by and as myself directly; each of these to have specific memories and experiences to ‘back it up’ and not realizing within each of them I was wrong, had no support and I was distracted by reactions to fear and insecurity as I was not body/presence/physical/practicality-aware, and thus today, here, realizing that’s the direction I should take each time of doubt/self-judgement I discover building up/acting out within myself: to stop defining myself with negativity and to embrace myself and stand up that this is who I am with self-trust.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the idea and action of self-love as believing it to be selfish, it would mean to only care about myself, to exclude others and think that I am superior, instead of realizing that self-love does not mean to not be able to love others, but actually if I can’t love myself, who I am the closest with all the time, how could I imagine or actually do love others?
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that to assist and support myself within self-honesty, to stop listening to self-judgments, thoughts, feelings and emotions within self-suppression and standing up to start applying practical common sense is practical self-love and until that I do not live it here within consistency, then any idea or decision of love I try to apply towards others will be the same way flawed as I am not yet living the self-love, as within it is without, and thus not realizing that to resist to find out what it means to live self-love is to resist to actually love anyone equally – therefore process starts here with self to stop self-judgement and start self-honesty with practical self-acceptance, self-love and self-support within action.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can love others, while not loving myself and defining the two to be different things, instead of realizing that love is in the form I have imagined, defined is self-deception, self-suppression and self-distraction and there can be only one love, which is: what is best for all, including myself, as all as equal in the flesh, meaning lived within practical and measurable action.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compensate the lack of love, which manifested within my mind and words, action and direction as self-judgement, self-hate, shame, self-denial, self-doubt and self-suppression with trying to love other, believing that it is altruistic, benevolent and creating projection through mental and emotional separation as an attempt to experience to be whole and loved and within that not realizing that in this way, the only way I can experience to be complete through my mind, in relationship with something or someone separate from me, which is self-slavery, because my mind always have to move, define, judge, compare, think, feel and react IN RELATION to the self-definition of LOVE projected out, otherwise I ‘fall back’ into the experience of original state, what I accept, suppress and distract myself from, which is exactly the lack of self-love, the opposite of self-love: to accept living in fear and self-interest.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within the fear of not being loved I actually point back to and manifest myself not being able to love, here love, meaning as assisting and supporting within self-honesty to stop fear and delusions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the opportunity, ability and actual direction to unify myself and decompose my refractions I exist through and as my mind to realize: I forGIVE myself to bring back all here as Self to stop accepting experiences through energetic reactions to specific words, to stop the cycle one by one, starting with: love, relationship, sex, value, complete, perfect, security, courage and trust, wherein recognizing the common sense to stop depending to live, be and express these words to others but to find who I am AS these words here without fear, without polarity or emotion.
  • I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand why I did not learn to directly express without doubt the words I described before, such as love, relationship, security, trust, courage, etc as believing, accepting the brainwashing, cultural imprinting that I need someone for these to experience and become and not realizing that I rather can/should live these words and share and extend them to live with others within equality and oneness.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge the word sex as something as not ethical or cool to openly talk about or focus to, such as what it would mean to live sex in relation to self and feel awkward and not be honest about it with myself that it simply means to stop the mind-related/influenced sex, and to only move with direct/physical/self-honest sex, meaning no images, expectations, judgement, no mental stimulation, but direct action, to enjoy, express, regardless of being alone or with other to share and be absolutely specific and disciplined about it, otherwise I would create experience of separation, dependency, expectation and disappointment, manifesting into shyness and shame.

The approach on understanding self sometimes almost seems like trying to understand someone else’s point, situation, actions – which is by the way, also a good technique to develop practical awareness in relation to others, so to speak: compassion: I can apply forgiveness as them, as myself, as how I would approach to expand my awareness if I would be in the person’s shoes.

In a sense, as I discover myself – I have to realize – I do not yet know myself in depth, but with Self-forgiveness, I am walking that process, word by word.

Why would I do like that? Because I start with the realization that I do not fully understand how I behave and why exactly, thus, it’s an investigation. It’s borderline tough and creepy when it sinks in: I thought that I know why I do what, but when it’s about something I screw up, make mistakes, cause conflict or bad consequences – I gotta admit – I am responsible and the question is that Am I going to do what’s necessary to correct myself before doing it again?

It’s not a shame, not many people admit that they are not fully aware of how and why they feel/think or do things, but if they would be honest about it with themselves, they also would admit: it’s actually a big problem as causes inner conflict, doubt, lack of efficiency, etc.

And within walking points – if I am not sure about something, maybe it’s complete self-made up what I experience or convinced myself of, maybe I will actually open up myself to understand more – I have to be aware of all participation within my mind, from smallest to the whole scenario and within participating in the actual situation – and I will be able to see: what’s really happening, what I thought in that moment was not right, I was justifying, hiding, projecting, blaming or giving into temptation of distraction for instance, thus I really need to specify to really understand the situation.

Also – everyone is other me in another life, so in this sense – any forgiveness is only real when it starts with self-forgiveness. How could I forgive to anyone but self?
Even if I say that ‘I forgive you’ – it’s really about my relationship existing within me – and acting out towards you – sure, it’s relevant step within any relationship to be open not to hold scar on if the other makes mistake, but also to work on preventing those, otherwise forgiveness does not work, it’s not real. And then the person, who did the actual harm has to start with self-forgiveness. So if someone did actually hurt me, not only I imagined, projected out of what I created in my mind – what it means to forgive? To really prevent happening again.

And if there are things what can not or should not be really forgiven – if someone would deliberately harm me or anyone around me – that’s maybe done, I do not need to forgive anything for myself about being more clear on that this person must be avoided or even possibly locked away. What’s best for all participant is always obvious – and if I don’t see what is it – I am maybe distracted with my reactions, what then I have to stop first to really see.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get stuck in emotional reaction, fear, hate of something I experienced as negative and thus can’t go forward with my life; even, when the experience I defined as bad or harmful is not present anymore, as I would keep reacting to, looking for signs of it and thus re-and re-living it in my mind within fear.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to be cautious and almost like paranoid of things what I experienced as bad before, to keep an eye for signs to avoid them and meanwhile accepting fear, worry, anxiety and insecurity as feeling that I can’t control it, I can’t lock the bad things out 100%, thus feeling vulnerable, powerless and doubtful and within that not realizing that if I would first stop the emotional reaction, fear with applying self-forgiveness, bringing myself back to physical presence and applying self-corrective statements to accumulate self-direction, then I would be able to see facts more clearly to finally see what’s the reality here and what I should actually do or prevent, if that can be applied, and also to realize what I can’t control and the only thing I can support myself within this is to develop and accumulate, express and live self-trust and practical common sense.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that in order to become able to trust myself, I have to accumulate things with what I can literally ‘gain’ my trust, meaning to build it up, from the location, situation and reality I find myself within to start take direction and step by step learning and understanding myself to be able to handle, support and direct, if necessary: change myself and within that to trust this process of self-realization.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the relationship with myself is determining of who I am and how I experience, perceive and react to everything and if there is inherent or subliminal, obvious or hidden doubt within me, that’s something I have to take responsibility for and stop participating within by becoming aware of it’s details, specifics and to see it’s core and to apply self-forgiveness to GIVE myself an opportunity to stop and change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that not wanting to face myself, to see myself, to be with myself alone, totally open, absolutely naked from any thought, feeling or emotion, memory, image or energetic experience and to feel, to experience, to be with myself, because of the specific experience and knowing I do not feel comfortable to be aware of and within that not realizing that because of this resistance, I am accepting and allowing it, not standing up to it and this is the submission I give into, manifesting my mind over me and allowing it to be existent within all relationship I participate within and not realizing that I make the problem actually bigger than it is.
  • I forgive myself that I have not wanted to admit, see and realize that the big problem I have seen within myself and always wanted to solve, to transcend I still accept every day and forgetting to face, study, work with for many many days until I do self-investigation and it surfacing up again and to see – I am still festering about this point of inner, deep, core experience of when I let everything go and to try to be with myself without anything, dropping all act and perception and then this resistance kicking in and I can’t ‘loosen myself into’ the simple experience of complete presence with and as myself here.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have the tools, support and ability to transcend and forgive anything and everything within me, if I make the decision to really walk through and all the signs are here that with this embracing self directly point I have not yet been deciding to really forgive, because of the perception that it’s too deep, hard, I am not yet ready or I should just wait or hope that this will be solved somehow, but actually I know, always knew that this is what I have to do  directly, with awareness of specificity and absolute commitment, to stop fearing from facing and embracing, being and expressing myself unconditionally.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to submit into experiences and resistances, as within those to find an experience of peace and order, meaning not feeling intensity and unpredictability and not realizing that intensity comes from fear from unpredictability and insecurity, due to self-suppression and not standing up as life.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing and allowing to be myself and fear that if I do not hold myself back by knowledge, personality definitions, morality, then I would become a demon, an uncontrollable, unpredictable, fearless, compass-less creature of absolute carelessness and not realizing that I defined my mind to protect me to go beyond self-limiting self-definition as fear of unknown, fear of self.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I let go fear, then I would become careless and selfish, meaning not to consider others, but only my interest and within that not realizing the absurdity of defining fear as equal with care and the extent of self-compromise I accept in order to protect my self-acceptance within fear without understanding, or the want to understand of why, because then I would actually realize that it’s not true/real/self-honest.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I relate to others, if I see fear within them, I want to relate with them with also accepting fear, as then there is this common ground, a mutual experience with what I can relate and within that not realizing that without fear I think I can’t have compassion and within the experience of fear I relate, thus try to believe that if I experience the same thing: fear, then I can understand them more and that would be compassion and not realizing that no matter what I define of why I accept fear – it is the fact that I accept fear within myself and however I justify it, it’s an energetic addiction, which what my mind and body got hooked on and without it I feel and believe that I can’t move or be, even if I do not admit it to myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the practical solution to develop self-presence without fear with actual sessions, practices, time and structured action to do with myself as to regularly be with myself without doing anything, but to just be and let all go and accept and have the courage to embrace myself and whenever it’s becoming difficult or resisting it, to apply self-forgiveness and make notes on what works, what not, what comes up, what I walk through, what is difficult and then to solve that first, then continue and to develop the skill, the ability and natural expression of be with myself with discipline, presence and unconditional self-acceptance while working with real time points within moments, with others and within communication.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can work all the time in the world on the relationship with myself and others of what I do not have or not being aware of but the only way that I am really going to support myself is to de-compose the relationship I find as self-dishonest from within and at the same time to CREATE a relationship with myself and others, which is self-honest.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the simplicity of creating a supportive relationship with myself and others without submission and control, which is to be honest and communicate about what I want, what I do not want and to see what’s practical, what’s not, what’s acceptable within self-honesty, principle as life, and what’s not and if I still hold onto something what I honestly see as not supportive, then I assist and support myself with the tools of self-forgiveness, self-corrective and self-commitment statements to prepare myself to live that change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I do lie to myself, I am going to project out things to others and not even going to become aware of it, because: I lie to myself, thus whatever I tell to myself of how I feel, what I perceive: cannot be trusted – in a way I also lie to others without realizing – thus the insecurity, the doubt, the fear – and within that to realize, I gotta be brutally honest with myself and face the facts, no matter how strange, difficult it seems, and within that ‘inventory’ – not to judge, of whatever I find within, just to make sure not to give into any desire or fear to suppress or accept as knowing: this is now inventory time, not ‘reaction mind’ time, but as step for solution.
  • I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself of what I miss, what I want in this life and to sugarcoat or demonize points based on polarity, morality, culture and not realizing that polarity and morality cannot be trusted as those are relative and aspects and results of self-interest and fear.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that whenever I rely to anything outside of self and self-honesty, such as polarity, morality, culture, that is the clear sign of I do not trust myself, thus I require re-alignment.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that Principled Living I was resisting to consider and develop and live, because believing that principles are limited, and thus I would also become limited and within that not realizing that principles are also reflections, thus if my Principle is embracing and entailing, including and considering ALL as equal as one, then that Principle is not limiting, but supporting.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the support I can apply to myself with defining and applying principles to bridge myself through temptations of doubt, fear, suppression and insecurity wherein I clearly know and have to admit that I can’t – yet – trust myself within this point, thus I stick to principle, no matter what, until I stand unconditionally, for instance when giving into worry, an unrealistic worry, a really uncontrolled worry of something I do not want to see happening, and I would become reactive, emotional, distracted and consumed by the emotion and fear, instead of looking it practically to see what I can actually do to prevent it and stick to do that.

So in this sense – it’s to let go past and live in the present and to anchor myself to directly create or walk towards a somewhat certain – and supportive for all participants – future in physical action.

This is why I am grateful that I finally sit down with ‘relationship‘, the word itself. It literally permeates everything, thus it’s a primary responsibility to become aware of what I associate and react with any type of relationship I open up to, establish or participate within.

Potential continuation from here:

  • Suppression vs courage with responsibility
  • dis-empowerment vs confidence with understanding

Understanding the layers of the mind:

EQAFE series of education about the human mind consciousness system:

Day 352 – Seeing the Matrix : Relationships

IMG_0529It is crucial to realize – the very definition and expression of the word RELATIONSHIP – determines any and all I experience, create, form and participate with in this world – let it be with objects, animals or humans.

All what we do is relate. Interesting word itself: re-late                    re-late-I-on-ship.

To see the Matrix is not by taking mescaline or stare floating green unicode character sequences but to see the relationships we exist within. In this sense, that’s why this is true from that movie(I know, I love to quote from it):

“-The Matrix is everywhere, it is all around us, even now in this very room, you can see it, when you look out your window or turn on your television. You can feel it, when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes.
It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.
-What truth?
-That you are a slave, Neo. Like everyone else, you were born into bondage, born into a prison what you cannot smell or taste or touch. A prison for your mind.
Unfortunately no one can be told what The Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself.”

Relationships we exist within is all around us, even wherever you are right now, how you perceive, define, react to, judge, relate to – it’s everything.

See – it’s not mystery to realize – our own mind is The Matrix they refer to, and if it’s defined to manifest self-limitation, then that’s we become and act as naturally.

But it does not have to remain like that, our mind is a programmable system, reflects our awareness, direction, effort and consequence, thus can be decomposed, understood, re-designed, re-defined with relationships of words.

To be able to do so, one needs the specificity and the commitment: to see the very core of one’s relationships, and it is not always transparent as the human mind consciousness system has layers, which we are not entirely aware of.

It’s not taught in schools, parents are also unaware of it, even psychologists/psychiatrists are just scratching the surface, eastern gurus and ‘masters’ are often telling or doing ridiculously questionable things and they don’t provide a structured platform with practical common sense and clarity and it’s filled up with belief systems, rituals or religion, thus it does not make any sense to delve into those either.

I’ve been looking for the ‘truth’ for so long, read all kinds of books, visited events, groups all over the globe, and what I was always searching: my self-honesty, which is right here.

Luckily, the free online course Desteni I Process Lite contains the starter skill-set to be able to start working on self, through the layers of our minds and our beingness directly – with words, with relationships of words, the building blocks of our internal and external worlds to act and relate in the real, physical world as well.

I only ‘promote’ this course and library, because it assisted and supported me, thus might can do others as well, but everyone has to see for themselves and alone no one can walk this through, thus especially this platform is a great assistance with seasoned ‘buddy'(who reads your writings, answers your questions), have already walked their own mind maze for quite some years to be able to discover the basic components of the mind at least. There is no catch, it’s free – those who support with the course, are doing it in the principle of ‘give as you would like to receive’ and in this sense, they have also received support from someone else before, thus it’s natural to give ‘other‘ ‘self‘ within the same process of realization.

Throughout and disciplined method is required to bring all the information, definitions, imprints and programmings of those minds I consist of to become aware of, and that’s necessary to be able to really understand and become able to change the relationships, definitions and personality pillars.

It’s possible, many have proven that already, myself included with some major points(alcohol, drugs, fear of driving, fear of change, fear of commitment of relationship, etc) points(and still walking many other), thus it’s to realize – it is not really a choice to become Self-honest and to live that, but it is to become aware and live of who I really am as Life.

Also to note, that within Desteni and EQAFE research – there are significant amount of studies, description, education and support about how the mind and consciousness really work, and even beyond conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind layers, there are more to become aware of, such as the quantum mind and quantum physical levels, which of one, from a certain point of self-realization also has to be aware of and be able to work with to face deeper patterns, imprints and fears, physically manifested self-dishonesty and resistances to stop. Just mentioning to see – process takes time but once one starts walking with commitment and consistency, change soon will substantiate.

“Although process seem to be forever – it is in fact always one breath away from total change.” – Bernard Poolman

So – relationship. A crucial point as permeates everything, thus if I have any fear, projection, judgement about relationship – I might have a chance to be influenced on a resonant level to manifest ‘secondary’ self-dishonest patterns and behaviors as well. That’s why I decompose and forgive any self-accepted ‘contamination‘ of fear and selfishness, spite or any emotion basically.

Seems a bit ‘obsessed’ to ‘work’ on self so much, I know – I used to think, back in my ‘good old days’, when I just took the psychedelics, meditated for emptiness, repeated mantras, danced for many-many hours to acquire a piece of mind, an inner peace, a solace for at least a while, before falling back into the grinder of my thoughts/emotions/feelings.

It takes years to really-really change. No workaround, but once I substantiate a profound awareness, understanding and practical direction – that’s real. It remains.

The variety of Relationships I participate within is surprisingly not much: primarily many would associate it with partnership = boyfriend+girlfriend scenario, but if we really look at it – everyone has a lot of relationships besides that:

  • What is my relationship with my family?
  • My boss, my neighbor, my government, my cat, my body, myself?

If I really look at it honestly, I should be able to describe each of these or any other relationships I find myself within.

That’s power – to be able to word it: awareness.
What I can’t word: should raise the question: Why?

Am I resisting to honestly describe my actual relationship with the person/thing? Why?

And voila: another relationship I start to see: the self-accepted resistance I exist with(in).

Am I not understanding what I feel, experience or see within the relationship I can’t describe with words?

Or simply I just don’t feel the necessity to word it – am I really the one what does not feel, or my mind tells me and I just accept it to have the delusion of self-direction, confidence, peace? These are serious questions for everyone who seeks clarity and understanding.

Not everyone needs reason why ‘loves’ someone or something, as many even believe ‘reasoning’ is buzzkill for feelings, but then how can I be sure that the feeling remains the same if I am not even aware of what’s actually it is? Or is it just to follow and enjoy until it lasts?
And many build families, raising children on these, and they wonder why their family turns into a soap opera with lots of drama.

So, to become aware of relationships to see what’s self-honest, what supporting and what’s not: it’s the very definition of everyone’s responsibility.

My own point with relationships: I have the tendency to submit myself into relationships, partnership, friendship, family – because I find myself ‘defined’ within it and through that I feel compelled to project out that if I don’t, then I am not good enough. I had several long term relationships before, but I have concluded each of them as ‘failure‘, because they all ended one way or another, and I see the want and desire to establish one what lasts.

Immediately seeing the point of wanting something to ‘last forever’, a refugee outside of self to rely to – and when it’s existence is endangered, to compromise myself, to submit, and this also brings insecurity.

See – whenever I share some of these ‘personality flaws’ – I do not feel ashamed or fear of being judged, or rejected – because once I name the problem, I can resolve it, and not that I am proud what I find within, but it’s courage to share, because this is what I am not going to accept but change within me, thus accumulating integrity: for myself primarily, but others as well.

That’s why it’s imperative to not only see the person in front of ourselves of who is the person today, but where she/he comes to what direction as well. So easy to get personal and judge and define, box and exclude someone based on a point they are currently walking, reacting to, figuring out, and they might just walk through in a week and unfolds to someone completely new – or doesn’t. The point is to see how can I assist and support myself and others equally within my and their process the most practical way.

Also to ask and answer: why I would ‘blindly’ ‘commit myself’ into a relationship what is not practical, and not realizing it, and thus not working it out?

For a while in my life, which was around at least a decade ago – I engaged into dating, mating, partnership in a way, which I can only describe: irresponsible, ‘not serious’, ‘playing around’, ‘having fun’ – and I obviously did not know that I still cause consequences and even worse: I judge myself, define myself and actually trap myself based on my judgments, experiences, behavior patterns and until I do not forgive and really change these within me: these will ‘haunt’ me as who I accepted and allowed myself to be.

Not something one would be particularly proud of, however I understand: it was a period of my life, I was kind of trying to find myself not being lost, so currently if I look back, I’d say it’s alright. However. Maybe consciously I understood and ‘forgiven’ – on resonant/physical behavior, emotional level, certainly not, because: lack of awareness of specificity. The devil is in the details, until I do not word exactly down these patterns, trigger points, reactions, their origin, played out consequence, my judgments, reactions, associations, automatic follow-up actions, etc: I am still automatically acting these out, thus the Self-forgiveness, thus the writing as support.

After looking into this: have to realize: I am compensating – I used to be ‘careless’ – now ‘caring too much’, meaning manifesting: worry, insecurity, submission – which is actually projecting out: control. Meaning, believing that the other is controlling, while I actually try to, based on worry and desire to ‘save’, but based on a twisted perception. Everybody loses in the long term. Must be self-corrected.

See – The Matrix – is relationships.

To be continued…

Day 349 – Word Relationship

IMG_3474Continuing on decomposing, forgiving and transcending my relationship -and in a way love-related misinterpretations, misalignments and self-dishonesty.

Tonight I had quite an overwhelming set of realizations during my Quantum Change Kinesiology session as received so specific support and I suggest everyone to consider to book for a session as it’s so direct and clear.

I have created quite a road-map and plan on how I am going to forgive, correct and change all the points I’ve been supported to become aware of, and this is how and where I start.

The pattern today I work on – although in my last blog I mentioned the word Abandoned – I also had to realize, in a way I have been abandoning my self-honesty, which I have to embrace and actually create and it beings with the word relationship.

Already having a lot of new insight and understanding about the mistakes and patterns I’ve made, but I do not have regret, although at this point I am uncertain of how much consequences I’ve created, but definitely making the best of learning from my already made mistakes as they have revealed quite a lot of things to be self-corrected and re-defined.


Here comes a random associative self-forgiveness of what I see currently, thus starting to structure the direction of with I substantiate the realizations I started to see.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize and understand of what associations, definitions, expectations and convictions I’ve attached to the word Relationship, and within that not being aware of what I feed within my energetic mind unconsciously, wherein, whenever I relate to, think about, talk or act about relationship, I also energize, ‘light up’ in my mind these associations without me being aware of it, thus accumulating reactions, behavior, whole personality manifestations, which I would believe, describe and live out as who I would perceive myself to be, meanwhile it’s all just accumulation of structured self-definition statements, beliefs and hopes.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within relationship I have to sacrifice parts of myself, aspects I would believe I could only live as being alone, and thus relationship is about submitting myself for something I believed as ‘greater good’ and within that not realizing that whenever I am giving up on myself – it’s self-separation, thus it’s self-dishonesty, self-abuse, thus should be a wake-up call warning of what I participate within is self-dishonest, thus I should stop and start investigating to understand to the utmost specificity.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have defined relationship as something where I have to give up freedom, self-will and independent stability in order to be able to mold into this entity of ‘being part of a relationship’ and within that not realizing that relationship is just a bigger structure of parts of ‘atomic’ already existing relationships, wherein I only can consist of a relationship with someone or something, as an already existing relationship with myself here, which then influences, determines the outcome of the greater relationship I start to participate within and thus not realize the responsibility to sort out all dishonesty I accept with myself first and whatever I experience as projection/blame to the ‘greater/external’ relationship as something not , should be also reflected back to self here.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to submit into things in a way of self-sacrifice and defining it as honorable and ego-less, and not realizing that if I sacrifice my self-honesty, it’s definitely an ego as there is a reason for why I would give up on myself, especially with a belief and self-conviction of that this is actually good, and that’s how relationship could work, meanwhile I am submissive only in order to compensate a fear, an insecurity and thus wanting the ‘relationship itself’ to secure me, to fulfill me, to elevate and make me whole and within this, not realizing that anything separated from self can’t do anything really for me, except to be less stable and honest, confused and lost.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define relationship as something I have to make it work, no matter what, and within that not realizing that I am not looking at relationship as self-expression, but as separate from self, and thus it’s all superficial and projected, and I focus to the consequence, the creation of consequence, instead of the source, which is that how I define and maintain my relationship with the word and definition, expression and living of: relationship itself within myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I fear from relationship not working out, because that I would automatically judge/define/react to as that I am failed within relationship, because I have failed to make it work, therefore I am failed, therefore I am nothing – and within these thought-processes not realizing that I value relationship more than self here, thus making it superior than myself, unconsciously, yet deliberately, not directly, thus obviously and within that automatically positioning myself into inferiority, submission.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that due to my memories and judgements of my past in relation to relationship, I do not want to fail relationship and within that starting point creating my primary relationship with ‘relationship’ itself through fear, fear of failure, fear of loss and not understanding that this is self-dis-empowerment and self-denial and not realizing how and why I actually do it – such as believing that within relationship I could become something greater, and not realizing that I will still be who I express myself here at this moment, thus I should not stop decomposing and forgiving the self-dishonest patterns I constitute of.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have defined myself as too proud, stubborn and selfish within my past and my past relationships and and currently still holding to this idea of this is who I am, although I have changed already, but not allowing to live out that change as mentally still ‘being stuck’ in that past, instead of forgiving myself of what I did in the past and thus allowing and directing myself to let go and really change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within judging my past relationships as failures(because I am not within any of those anymore) I am accepting a fear of failing the current/next as well, instead of standing up to any, slightest, smallest reaction of fear and make my stand and forgive myself for what I have accepted and allowed to do and/or not do.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have misinterpreted relationship and points relation to it as something to blame and not realizing that it’s all within my starting point and if I do not reflect back to self all I project out to relationship itself, I am making a fool of myself by fighting with my own shadow as any problem I encountered was not about the relationship or partner, but who I tried to deny about myself, thus creating this separation, this inferiority and false need to sacrifice myself.

Bringing back to Self all relationship-related mind-thought/emotion-tentacles is common sense here.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, a lot to uncover and correct, but it’s time to rest.

If I look into myself – no energetic movements at the moment. Some slight resistance to breathe naturally, I need to push, move myself, but it’s actual self-movement – breathe in, embrace all of existence, hold, no movement, silence, darkness – then out breath, equalizing self with all what’s here, then again – breathe in, embrace and direct.

Lot of physical experiences I perceive, just as sleepiness too – but this time not by unconscious resistance to face a point within self, but actual physical tiredness.

It’s great to do all I can today, so tomorrow can continue as well. Still a lot to correct, but one breath at a time.