Day 370 – Daily Forgiveness and Walk

P1010668Today just generic Self-forgiveness from this point and see where I move from here.

  • I forgive myself that I have not considered the fact that reality is something what is always here, in and as the physical and if I am not aligned with it in thought, word and deed, I am living in an alternate, virtual, delusional reality and even if I convinced myself that it’s okay to shift back and forth, not realizing that the consequences I create in my separate, personal reality due to the separation experience from reality will inevitably manifest in the reality as well, just more unpredictably, thus determining my actual life to be insecure, uncertain and confusing, because I am not aware of what I actually cause and how – because if I would be, I certainly would consider to stop this madness of self-awareness and would focus to re-align with all life awareness here in and as the physical reality.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that each moment I skip breath as awareness, presence and inner silence of thoughts, feelings and emotions, I stop birthing myself into and as the physical here, thus prolonging my deluded experience of existence through and as the mind consciousness system, because even that I know that the source of the consciousness is the physical, it’s automatism is so ingrained and infested into each moment of my life, that I am being overwhelmed by reactions I did not yet decompose and realize how to prevent participating within.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the strive to do more, be faster, better and just to simply state be and feel, experience – thus pretend – to be more than who I am here today – this is causing me to always strive, be vulnerable to the patterns of insecurity and fear, causing me to skip a breath, because wanting to think the situation I am within through, in order to get by, get through – and not realizing that this abdication of responsibility only leads to time loop and manifesting more consequences, thus more reason to react again to the situation, and if starting to move towards realizing what is actually here in and as the reality, then I would be overwhelmed and would experience instability and intensified fear, thus would want to return to the more stable experience of ‘all right’-type of self-interest, as long as I can keep feeding my mind-possessions of fulfilling my self-created desires and evading to face my fears in a reasonably acceptable rate.
  • When and as I want to do more, want to be more, want to seem more, or to have, feel or experience more than what is here in my direct reality available, I stop and I allow myself to breathe, just breathe, wash away the polarity of my mind-activities and just embrace myself as inner quietness, purely physical being and move myself to directly see, directly feel, directly decide without thinking and if I can’t, then I decompose the patterns I am not aware of to be able to move about.
  • When and as I am walking, I walk here, I focus to the action, the feel, the physical, the breathing, the gravity, the air, the movement, the body, the surroundings and I allow my mind to be quiet.
    I direct myself to have a polarity-free peace while physically moving, as when I move, my mind stops.

As I physically walk, I walk through the mind, I can see the mind, I can feel the mind, but I direct myself to not participate in the mind, not react to the mind, only embracing, understanding and expanding within breathing awareness.

  • When and as I walk, let’s say the hallway at the office I work at – and I catch a little trouble in my mind, such as a thought of something I should do, I should not forget, a worry of something happened/would about to happen, I acknowledge the notion and I move forward.
    I see/realize and understand that within awareness, if I do not seize it with giving the permission and the control to the thinking mind, I can embrace just a little more and more with each breath, this is the real and tangible infinity which awaits to all humans, already today: the liberation with breath through and as understanding, forgiving and embracing the mind to see and understand beyond with practical common sense and that no one knows what’s possible as we have all been limited to our own imagination based on desires and fears we previously could imagine and got stuck with them, thus the realization is to let go all I hold onto and focus to what is here in and as the physical here.
  • When and as I worry about money, not having enough, not being able to afford, pay or sort out something financially, I realize – one breath at a time, and to structure, plan, consider – my proven best practical way is to sit down and write all to a paper/text file and do account all and without any worry influence to make the best practical decision and then plan the solution and move forward and then the end of the day/cycle, to check reality again, commitment and decision too and if required, realign, adjust, change, step back or completely stop – it’s all within self-direction without accepting fear and worry, devotion and desire, but simply as decision as who I am as living life.

Challenging point – the office does not feel physically too friendly – cold-ish, dry air, fluorescent lights – it’s temporally, but I take the challenge as something to enjoy and to see what I can do to support my body, presence and continuous realizations within this environment, what I can actually do to make sure that I can work effectively and efficiently, while considering my body, process and have fun.

Today in the office I was all day in my light jacket and big scarf – it was okay, although I had the thought that I might seem as someone is just arriving or about to leave – that made me smile, although did not really care, as I was enjoying that this gave me comfort. Also – drinking a lot of water – I am quite effective within this, and nowadays, as having the last days of the flu – still needs to hydrate more – so today one of my focus points was to drink enough water, do not feel cold and not get tired – meaning not to fall into the mind-tiredness experience.
It went well, until about 15h – and I realized that I have created the cycle of big break in this period and did not come, and I was seeing that I expect something what does not ‘come’ by itself and that relationship was like a waiting process and within that I was reacting and judging the situation and then I felt a bit of tiredness – not because of the job was exhausting or I actually got tired, but because I stopped self-directing and moving and automatically falling back to the mind-realm, where I am exposed to the needs of energy experiences.
Was fascinating to see that this realization was missing from my inventory – although in theory I knew it since years: it’s not enough to forgive and stop patterns, I actually have to fill up the void with self-movement, self-direction and self-creation in each moments equally, otherwise I stop expanding and the mind is vast, well, limited, but if I stop, I don’t see, I don’t really feel, only through the one dimension of the mind, which can just make me believe that it’s infinite, although it’s just one tiny slice of me. But definitely need to deal with it, otherwise it will always be at my nose – in the way of moving and expanding. Dealing: meaning to understand what that tiny dimension in this situation actually means and why is currently blocking my way to simply live without fear.

Even boredom and tiredness can be backtracked to fear – let’s say it’s a homework. There will be a mind-construct, a timeline of thoughts, reactions, actions and events and somewhere inbetween, one can find that honesty with self – fear. Fascinating. Within the era of human created A.I. – there is so much potential – imagine a self-honest A.I. develops an A.I.

Who said life only can be born from the organic physical? Hehe, will see…

Nonetheless, it’s our call of duty to start living without any lies to ourselves or others.

Consciousness Shift and the Death of the Physical – Life Review

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Day 368 – Trust in Self & daily realizations, not Patterns

IMG_5860Whenever I trust within some thought-construct, I have to realize that it’s based on a stretched mind-state, which I require to maintain, ritualistic mind-possession-like time-looping within the same patterns over and over again in order to be convinced and energized to keep up with it.

On the other hand, where I look at things with common sense, I realize patterns, but recognize their situation-specific effectiveness or disadvantage and I release myself from the constant need of always relying on patterns in general, but if practical, still being able to utilize them to apply awareness – so then what I feel is that I am less busy in my head, more ‘out there’, yet from within there is only this creating and expressing from darkness and emptiness of self, which I find as good. Dark: not in the sense of opposite of light, but something from deep within, which until I do not explore, express – it’s unknown.

Good, in a sense of that’s allowing to live this unknown, where I find new qualities, abilities, and indeed, sometimes weaknesses and mistakes to manifest, but I shall not stop to judge, define or start punishing myself, just because it does not seem to work since a while.

Like the children, to learn to stand up, walk and talk – they do not know giving up, it’s just not an option, but to live!

Today I realized this, well, it’s often a sort of organic process, kind of started yesterday, but as writing it down here, it’s being quantified and solidified, crystalized and thus a more aware substantiation: within my job the fact is that when I progress, I feel enthusiastic, when facing difficulties and not progressing, then I feel tired.
So the realization what was obvious today is towards whenever I would start to accumulate resistance, friction and tension by not progressing, to just literally stand up, walk some steps away, make a distance and just breathe and let it go.

This way, I do not give up, but let go the struggle and the pattern I tried to apply yet did not work – and thus to support the realization that I am not progressing, because I have a closed mindset about a conviction or hope which I keep pushing, while it’s obvious that this is not the solution, so I should just step back one and try something else or somehow differently without any frustration to manifest.

Preventing to have experiences of uncoolness literally saves me from the ups and downs and rather be consistent and effective.

And if I don’t know how I will solve the problem I try to figure out – then it does not mean that I do not need to be aware of what I do and why – but about the how: to allow myself to be completely open – and it’s like ideas come from the darkness – nothingness, almost random, but the direction and will supports them to be situation-specific.

Sounds bullshit to be intuitive software engineer for instance, but in a way this can be applied to any kind of job, even the apparently most mundane one.

Also, today, one of the most degrading job I believed to be, cashier in a hypermarket – turned out to be not so much, just because one cashier lady was behaving absolutely the opposite I believed they supposed to be like: she was not dull, impersonal and monotonic, and she taught me that even there one can be present, actually enjoying and supportive(besides allowing one to pay for the grocery).

So all is being decided and often limited within our minds, obviously, thus it’s immensely important to be able to review and re-adjust our thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Yes, emotions as well – no matter how strongly and automatically one can feel about something with full steam of absolute conviction – beyond that there is history, pattern, repeating and some sort of fear – or desire, but that’s again in a way a doubt/fear-based construct if we really decompose it as well.

Also I had a quite supportive and revealing, containing a lot of ideas and points to consider Desteni I Process online course chat with the course’s buddy(person, who is seasoned within self-supporting techniques and self-honesty to support and reflect) – for instance working on patterns within specific areas of my life – turns out that those are existing within apparently unrelated areas of my life.

For instance the resistance to lead and initiate not only within playing music with professionals, but even within partnership or daily jobs or friendships – and these seem so obvious, but it’s different to assume than directly see, being able to take direct notes and specific adjustments to expand.

And I could list several more points I have realized just today and I definitely should as writing literally substantiates the realization and the specificity of how to live that understanding, thus it’s common sense to write and share every day.

So, that’s why – it’s literally each day a full blast of opportunity to realize, learn, let go and grow and writing substantiates and shares it, thus it’s worth doing so.

https://eqafe.com  – the place to learn about self and life

Day 359 – Doors of Hell are Open to Leave

IMG_9559

One more analogy. My last post was about Smart Contract as Self-and Relationship Agreement, today:

Self-dishonesty as Hell

There was a cool statement within one of the Lucifer episodes(TV series) I saw recently.

Lucifer walks Earth and tries to be a good guy, helps the police to find killers. Hehe, kind of a cheesy police procedural with some Gaiman’s Sandman elements played out in L.A.

Lucifer is confronted by a man, who blames him to drove him to do bad things he could never done by himself and then Lucifer says that the truth is that he never did tell or make anyone to sin and he does not decide who goes to hell, humans are being sent there by their guilt and forcing themselves to relive their own sins over and over and over again.

Furthermore he adds this as a funny part: the door is not locked, “you can leave any time you want but no one ever does that”.

If someone ‘gets there’ – although people re-live the bad, it’s often difficult to ‘leave’, even when manifested consequences pretty much paint directly to our face the fact that it’s total crap.

Guilt is an interesting approach: self-blame, self-eating, self-diminishing, self-disempowering loop, what does not lead somewhere supportive.

But what requires guilt to remain?

What I mean ‘remain‘ here is that the nature of life and existence is rolling forward moment-based. One moment comes after another and who we are within each influences who we are within the next one, but actually we are not bound to always remain the same as we are right now. And we certainly don’t, as we create and align to patterns.

Yet with how our relationship with ourselves, external conditions, others have been manifested and evolved, it’s often difficult to change our patterns. Even when the odds are obvious that we should. By no means I generalize here, usually I share about ‘me’ and not ‘we’ – but many might can relate.

Just let’s look at fear, anxiety, frustration – addiction, despair, depression – these are usually not fun, yet what compels me to go back to such self-limiting, self-compromising, self-defeating mind-states?

My own conviction, which might seem like my own guilt-based self-recreational hell actually. If I would not go back to re-rely to define things as before, if I would let that conviction go, I could – maybe – explore new ways to find solutions. But I am so convinced that the one I chose before is the best, even when obviously not, I go back to do the exact same thing again. Insanity.

It’s necessary to understand how consciousness works, how we use and hide behind our mind in order to try not to get stuck and still being lost within these systematic patterns.

Everything creates consequence, some more, some less, but what humans usually don’t tend – or not want – to realize is that even a singular thought, an attention, a reaction to that though is enough to add to some accumulation.

It’s the greatest truth, power and fact within existence – the simplest yet most important mathematical equation what creates and destroys, rules them all: 1+1=2.

Within human mind – the same exists: At each participation, it might adds only one tiny drip into a bucket, but once it fills, it has enough weight/mass to wash away practical common sense for more than moments, maybe minutes, even hours.

And during that time, what I do, think or feel – will create more reaction, accumulate more consequences, often regrettable, irreversible ones.

Then it’s really difficult looking back to see – this is what I did, – again – and not to define and accept that ‘this is who I am’. Even denial does not help, especially if it keeps happening. It’s kind of an art – to embrace the facts, yet not to define as this is who I am and thus have to remain as.

An example – if I don’t do something I want – every day – becomes a pattern. I can justify it, I can resist it, I can become frustrated; the reality is that I break out from it or not. If I break out by generating secondary reactions-energy by self-judgement, frustration, and then I am energized to change – which is then temporally and once fades, I return to the previous behavior as without the lifting/empowering energy I fall back to the original pattern. So in this sense I did not really change – what happened was that my mind needed a secondary pattern to control the primary.

Imagine many-many layers of such for dozens of dimensions and we get a picture of a human mind consciousness system’s strategy to contain a person’s life.

And what’s within is what’s without – as above so below – similarly manifested patterns, systematic if-then rule sets are driving the whole world system.
Is it enslavement by an external ruler? Might be that the system was placed to lure/trap beings into such systematic existence, but the fact is that the doors are not locked – anyone can walk out from these patterns and some do. Takes effort, but worth it.

What humans use? Words – building blocks of worlds. Polarity is merely a concept, yet based on self-interest – it’s subjective.

It’s important to understand that anything apparently ‘good’ can be twisted and used by the mind – even when we believe that we ‘fight’ for good – fight means conflict, separation, friction, energy – it’s not direct self living, it’s through the mind and to trust the mind is very-very risky. And many know that – if I fight – I might lose – thus choose to give in, give up, suppress, postpone and distract. Just this still creates: energy somehow somewhere in the mind/body. What accumulates.

The more I suppress – the more energy/conflict I create, the more emotional reaction I accumulate, and then it becomes automatic – and no matter if on the next day/week I am a new man, as all the patterns in my mind are also here – I click/react/move automatically. Can I directly change my own patterns? Some yes. Some, as I am not aware of, by default: no.

And that’s a humans personality basically, just hundreds, thousands of those patterns – and many are connected, related, and there are so many, and a lot happens even on a singular day, it’s becoming difficult to keep being aware of them all.

Especially when I am in emotional reaction, being angry, fearful – does not really help to stay on tracking reality awareness, the mind works faster, a lot of thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, associations, body energetic experiences: it’s just overwhelming – and then more and more of this happens, year after year I end up not being aware of the patterns exactly, how they connect, but in fact I am aware of them, just everything triggers and manifests so fast ‘in real time at situations’ – that I am – again – and always – so busy with the reaction what is being triggered, what I experience, what I will do next, so then I don’t look back, where this comes from.

It’s almost like as I age, constantly and quite quickly walking into experiences, imagining that I am this director of my life’s movie, meanwhile I am literally consistently falling into the next set of patterns and reactions, convictions, judgements, beliefs, thoughts, feelings and emotions animating me to move and react accordingly.

Objectively looking, even those, who somehow are manifested to go through mostly positive memories and experiences – often their life is quite preordained and so easily could be de-railed with some sort of intervention, thus although a human mind consciousness system is well-preprogrammed, yet being so fragile to change and stimulation.

Of course, there are always exceptional individuals, whose life seem so perfect, effective and extraordinary, but isn’t it also part of the trap for others, an un-achievable inspiration as that really can help to screw the mind: knowing that there is this perfect love, absolute fame, genius mind – that many comparing their life with they literally keep fighting for or giving up and not realizing that this whole system can be considered as hell.

Just like in a casino – many bet with their money and only a handful wins – yet everyone keeps fighting to be the winner, no matter the costs, because of their mindset and the survival of the fittest.

There is no real unconditional compassion, consideration, ‘humanity’, ‘love’ within the currently manifested cannibalistic capitalistic monetary/world system, just constant fight and struggle. Anyone denies it is still mesmerized by their own mind-bubble, which eventually will burst. Maybe only at death, but still. The world is an accumulated consequence, sins of our fathers, does not really matter how we call it, it’s really hell for most of us – not only humans, but animals, plants, the whole ecosystem.

The potentials are great, yet the reality is quite sad by looking at the big picture. Which is always an accumulated reflection/consequence of the individual contributions.

Why not everyone lives to their own possible best potentials and focusing on self-honesty, self-perfection, self-direction without inner conflict, without self-limiting patterns?

It’s not that difficult once one understands how the mind works, thus the education and self-learning is crucial here.

I used to study philosophies, psychology, eastern and western teachings, techniques, spirituality and many of those has some useful information, yet the most direct and fastest way to transcend self-dishonesty, thus being able to transform hell to heaven, here on earth, in the flesh is by walking a process of Self-honesty and Self-forgiveness.
Although techniques and strategies might differ from individual to another, but being honest with myself and to forgive what I have accepted and allowed to become, manifest and participate within: are universal aspects of Self as Life as who we all are, thus highly recommended to start understanding, applying and living.

EQAFE, DesteniIProcess and SelfAndLiving are the best places to start this process of realization, understanding of not only historical, theoretical but actual practical knowledge of how to understand Hell as the manifested patterns of our self-limiting mind, as Self-dishonesty to be able to give for ourselves a new opportunity, a change to grow without the time loop of self-sabotage.

Within EQAFE there are many-many topics and series, various areas of the mind, consciousness, the creation to understand, so then we becoming able to grasp what words we allowed ourselves to define us and that we can decompose those definitions and re-define in accordance of self-honesty and what’s best for all life.

Desteni I Process online courses (the first half year is free, with experienced buddy support, the others require some money as the trainers also have to live in this world) provide structured approach to learn the basic skills what are necessary to be able to investigate our own life to be able to overcome the weaknesses what have been pulling us down throughout the years and many are very personal – addictions, shyness, shame, regret, fears, phobias, unrealistic desires – it’s possible to self-heal.

Self And Living is a direct approach on focusing how to LIVE every day life, by looking at topics, such as living the words dedication, courage, points to consider about eating, sleeping, enjoying moments.

Desteni Forum to discuss with others about questions, answers and sharing in a structured way – ask your questions, answer others, socialize, share, enjoy!

Destonians.com / Journey to Life
to see what others who are sharing their insights, realizations, difficulties, solutions within blogs/vlogs.

There are a LOT more tools, groups and points are existing to start this indeed extraordinary journey to stop accepting self-limitation and start living – and any social media can/should be perfect to start sharing, asking, communicating and expanding.

Day 357 – Projection to forgive

IMG_9567Still walking relationship-projection decomposition and preparation to live the change.

  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not being aware of being insecure about fear of losing relationship, projecting out values, qualities and experiences towards someone and getting attached to the feelings and not realizing that I am not being honest with myself by not realizing that I accept being submissive and insecure in relation to the relationship itself and giving into the fear of losing it.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into fear of loss and thus paranoia of focusing to imagining and looking for signs of compromises and so self-defined: dangers to the relationship and assuming the worst within interpreting reality and not considering that I use this mechanism to overreact in order to protect my investment, not to lose what I value, here the relationship and not realizing that what I interpret and what I project out is not real.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that projection means fear, wherein I don’t face what is within, but acting like it’s someone else’s fault and responsibility, meanwhile I am the one who projects the original issue out, and not realizing the nature of it, as it’s just a mirage, a projection, not real, but if I believe so, then I automatically exist within my mind in conflict with reality.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense to stop for a moment when I have experience conflict within myself, a friction, an energetic reaction, an emotional wave and to realize that I need to slow down and breathe, let all go what’s within my mind and come back to reality and take responsibility for what I experience and actually can – and should do.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the tendency to project out the things I can’t deal with, I am unaware of, I defined as not my responsibility, not me, who has to solve, change, and within that not seeing the disempowerment, because I experience something, I accept myself to exist in a way – feel and be – yet I define that something or someone else is doing this, meanwhile not wanting to understand/see and realize that I am doing it all, and not only I can understand how I am doing this, but also I should take responsibility directly and immediately to stop projecting.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within accepting projection I also do not communicate, do not ask, do not clarify of what I assume is relevant and/or real, because I do not want to admit that I fear from being true what I fear from and within that not realizing that I fear from fear, thus I am lost within my mind, thus, I need to slow down, stop and re-align within breath and word the points to specify what I am dealing with in order to see the self-dishonesty as a pattern objectively.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have been programmed, accepted myself to resonantly tuned to have a starting point for relationship and partnership with thoughts, emotions and feelings and based on those to form and shape my experiences and behavior, spoken words and actions and not realizing that this is a compromise, a self-dishonesty, because these are related to polarity-based self-interest and fear – rather to see the common sense to commit myself to live the principle of life as equality and oneness, meaning to not be influenced, changed and controlled by circumstances, energetic experiences, but to be able to consistently realize, consider and apply what’s best for all participants equally.
  • I forgive myself that I have not admitted that the energetic experience of ‘falling in love’ feels like a drug, an energetic high, which seems to uplift all the negative pointers/parameters/aspects within my life by focusing to the previous, current or next positive energetic experience, meanwhile not realizing that the source of that positivity is also being fed by not needing to/ignoring/suppressing all the other points I defined as negative.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself, and within that not facing the fact that within re-creating energetic experiences within myself I am avoiding facing reality here, I am escaping to the past, I fear from change, making mistakes and causing irreversible consequences – and within that not realizing that I can stop for a moment and consider what’s real, what I can actually do to prevent things what are not supportive and trust myself to do the best possible by actually doing so.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within projection I rely to the past, wherein there was an event, an experience what I have defined bad and wanting to avoid it now, and by looking back, what were the conditions, circumstances, I define that ‘if this and this, then that and that will happen’ and trying to generalize, automatize in order to ensure preventing what I defined as bad and avoidable and within this all not realizing that nothing is always exactly the same and if I rely to these rules, self-definitions, then I do not allow to trust myself here, in the moment, within full presence.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I try to communicate or bring up the point of my worry or subject of my projection to the other and does not seem to work, the actual communication does not happen, then I allow the temptation to give up and fall back into judgements, projection, fear, and not committing myself to not give up and keep finding effective and supportive ways to communicate and solve conflicts, even if it only exists within me.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that getting attached to something within my mind means that I give into the fear of loss, which leads to anger and suffering and instead of trying to own or have source of experiences, to see as gift and support and if it’s time to let it go then to trust and honor myself and the other to remain respectful for open and honest communication and agreement of practically living the principle of ‘Give as I would like to receive’.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within insecurity, fear and worry, because believing that this energetic state helps to cope and fight for what I do not want to lose and not realizing that this experience is not supportive, not enjoyable and definitely not productive in terms of finding the best practical way to prevent things I do not wish to happen.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to not develop practical skills and direct awareness to immediately become aware when I am going into worry, fear and insecurity, not learning to see the signs of doubt within my self-mind and body awareness, thus PREVENT going into patterns triggered by insecurity, such as energy rush, need for more energy, feeling tired, exhausted, lack of discipline, temptations to distractions, wanting to rest, sleep, be entertained, stimulated, sweets, etc and within those patterns, also not being aware that when these ‘kick in’ all of a sudden, to slow down within, to even stop what I do for a moment to check – whether am I acting out based on worry/fear/insecurity and thus to automatically prevent feeling low/bad/down/blue, to cheer me up, to feel good/up/high, and meanwhile timelooping and what not realizing that I avoid facing a problem, a self-limitation.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever judge others, meaning to define how they are based on polarity, based on ‘in relation to me or to my interest or my experiences/wisdom/memory/realizations/whatever’ and giving into the temptation of righteousness and not realizing the projection I fall into and not realizing that my original judgement is projected out to other, because I distract/I hide/I suppress to face the point of responsibility about that point and thus trying to say – I am victim, I am not responsible, but within this not realizing the powerlessness I give into thus not being able to direct change, apply solution.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I use projection to protect my perceived investment of belief and self-definition in order to prevent something I fear from happening, and within that not realizing that I am not dealing with reality, I am focusing to others, their point, their mistakes, their self-dishonesty, while I am allowing to roam free within my already existing self-dishonesty, and within that not seeing the point and common sense to ask what’s my original problem in this, what’s the source of my fear/worry/insecurity/doubt to start finding solution.
  • When and as I see that I am defining someone to be this or that, repulsive, sulky or reprimanding, child-like or foolish, worrysome or fearful – I stop, I breathe, I become aware of my physical presence, my body, gravity, the overall feel of me here, the air, the temperature, the clothes on me, the surroundings for a moment of reference and support to bring myself here, without defining it, without focusing to that, but to see who I am within this moment, how I feel, what is the fear I give into to answer myself the honesty I am being tempted to slip away from with projection.
  • When and as I feel that someone is this or that with me, doing this or that to me and I start to relate to the person according to these definitions, projections, I stop and check – is it really fact, not just I am projecting based on past memory reference, to avoid something to re-occur, because I do not like that outcome, so I try to use the past, that ‘when this was like this, that happened, and now the situation is similar, and then the person seemed to be this and that, so now probably the situation is similar, so I must react somehow to prevent the same to happen’ – and within that not realizing that I act upon fear, I give into fear, I start reality to be interacted with by fear, instead of take a breath, look at the situation and apply common sense. This does not mean I should never learn from the past, but if there is this emotional fear first, the solar plexus energy flow, this convolution around stomach, this tension within limbs, the breath becoming superficial, losing presence, direction from within without any emotion, then I need to check is there any fear I give into, because fear-related categorizing, patterning, judging is highly tainted with delusion, projection, self-dishonesty, thus I stop myself doing so.
  • When and as I am within a situation wherein I am in relation to something or someone and I think or feel that the other’s fault is something, or the other is screwing up, doing something to me and based on that I start to feel and experience something, I realize, I am projecting, based on worry and fear, fear of loss, thus I stop and let go the fear and to see what is my responsibility here, what I should do, what I can do to solve, what shall I or need to clarify or communicate with myself and/or the other person.
  • When and as I am uncertan and worried about something and it’s related to someone, instead of assuming, imagining, worrying from an outcome/consequence/manifestation/happening, I consider that is it really relevant, actual and real, and if it seems to be, while I ensure that I am not under influence of emotional turmoil, fear and conflict, then I approach the related, involved person and I communicate, ask directly without fear, and ‘coming out’ that I interpret signs like this and that, and ask that what the other sees, perceives, stands for – instead of allowing to fall into my mind and combine and process, rather find out what’s real and then act accordingly.
  • When and as I approach someone to clarify and ask about something what bothers me, or seems relevant within practical living or communication and after one or more attempts to communicate it does not happen or can’t clarify what is relevant to do so, then I remain calm and directive, consider if can I find a better/another approach to share or reach the other and being able to create effective communication as realizing – if I give it up, I will end up just like if I did not even try to communicate, except I would also judge this attempt as excuse that ‘I tried’ – and thus realizing that it’s not about trying, but getting through, done and sort out perceived or real conflicts to be able to move on and expand.
  • When and as I can’t communicate, share or agree about something with someone about a point what bothers me or I am uncertain of, I do not get emotional, fed up or become frustrated and angry, worried or anxious, but I remain present, directive and consider if there is opportunity to find an another way, tonality, word selection, method or strategy to try to communicate and to realize – when or where is the point of realizing that this does not seem to work and stop trying and if there is such, still not use it to justify for any projection or fear, but to realize – the other might have their own process to walk and it might not be personal on how handles me and certainly this should not be a reason to justify becoming reactive and blaming.
  • I commit myself to stop projecting thoughts, feelings, emotions to others and to take it all back to self and to realize and live my responsibility and thus being able to practically see what I can do to solve or prevent conflict or difficulties/obstacles ahead.
  • I commit myself to become aware of all patterns, trigger points, situations and conditions, mind-states and definitions, events, memories and scenarios wherein I can fall into projection and fear, judgement and blame and to be able to realize within each and every single of these occurrences that the best practical solution here is the PREVENTION and thus not go into projection and blame, emotional states and fear of loss, but to realize that within reality all that exists is facts and actions, and thus I should keep focusing to these.
  • I commit myself to forgive all the self-acceptances and self-delusions about what I should fear from losing and thus justifying the worry to exist within by believing that this fear helps to prevent happening what I fear from manifesting, and not realizing that this actually a distraction and a self-defeatism wherein I use worry and fear to cope with the self-accepted self-disempowerment to not dare to do something new or radical to break the loop of self-dishonesty, and thus within this realization to push myself each time to stop and re-align when I experience or notice, feel or participate within fear of loss.
  • I commit myself to embrace and stop fear of loss by realizing and specifying all my fears in general and actual form, thus practically approaching to decide of which is unrealistic and thus to be released and stopped, and which relates to something I actually can prevent happening.
  • I commit myself to become aware of my human physical body to the more intimate, direct and profound awareness of it’s physical existence, meaning how it feels, positions, moves and lives within this reality, as with air, gravity, breathing, interaction, location, space and all the physical factors and if I am not aware of wherein and what I do, then I need to re-align to be able to, because there is a point I am falling into in an impractical and not-solution-oriented way, thus I stop and re-align with breath.
  • I commit myself to expose all my fears and thus I can practically know myself and be able to see what fear is what, why I accept it, how much it’s real in terms of actual reality and to be able to let go fear and focus to what I can do to solve problems and trust myself.
  • I commit myself to stop fearing from ‘shit happening’, wherein beyond my power, simply something what is not supportive to me or others around me happens and not to blame myself or other, because it might just happened and thus I need to accept it and stop blaming myself and rather ask if I could do something to prevent unsupportive consequences to manifest and if so, then to commit myself to do so next time, and if there is nothing I could have done, then to consider what it would take to be able to or to simply accept and let it go, such as weather or random events/accidents/luck-unluck.
  • I commit myself to stop defining partner and relationship according to my past and start focusing to get to know the person and the relationship in real time with self-trust within consideration of all participants equally and physical awareness as well.

 

Day 302 – Leap of Unknown

img_0944Patterns everywhere.

Even when I open the text editor to type, I’ve had this drive from within, which I stopped from with a breath and inner silence.

Today I’ve watched Joao’s video on Why not to trust Motivation and indeed – it’s separation, conditional, which begins and ends and I am left without motivation, and then I do not move or the subject of my motivation changes and then I do different than I’ve decided, I’ve committed to do.

Commitment. Such a serious word. I resisted it for so many years – substantiation, dedication, discipline – I discovered these within me more than a decade ago but I left these behind me for a while as the core of my motivation was not consistent, thus discipline rather seemed like a meditation, a sort of virtualization period, within which effectiveness was pre-determined, however the whole pattern was untrustworthy, because I could not trust myself, because I decided to remain within the area of my mind’s patterns, thus whenever my so called ‘motivation’ or ‘discipline’ was at the edge of my knowledge and information system, I became uncertain, doubtful and eventually stopped moving as my motivation was self-sabotaged by the thoughts/feelings/emotions. Such a shame. So much potential. Yet to step beyond the known is the most dangerous and risking thing one can imagine. That’s actually describes it as actually I only can imagine what is known – therefore when I resist or hesitate facing the unknown – I am rather deluded by the already known. Interesting.

Currently facing great opportunities what I am going to take and sometimes it’s unknown-ness is kind of resonantly uncertain and it’s vision is unclear, shaky. That’s alright. I do remind myself that any reaction to unknown is completely irrelevant by what I do not yet know, but rather a pattern of what I learned, which does not support me.

The known patterns, what limit me to explore the unknown I act out automatically – to not know these patterns does not solve this, because if I forget, how can I be sure that I will not end up as the same?

Many people often wish to forget, to unsee things, but that sounds like ignorance – ignoring glance – it’s not solution. Especially to not be aware of a pattern what still influences, directs me – sounds horrible actually.

Instead of for-get, I for-give myself the understanding and chance to know the pattern but not become it. I give a chance for change. Such an interesting word-construct.
Instead of obstacle, knowledge can become practical change if I give for myself the opportunity to stop participating in the resistance to unknown and to look at it with as it is:

As I direct myself to unknown territory, it becomes known, but I do not limit myself with that knowledge, rather to realize that any knowledge I am limited by is an other point of resistance of facing the still unknown, thus completely against common sense to be stopped by any fear of unknown, because what only can occur is that all my knowledge what I allow me to limited by gets invalidated.

So in short, fear and resistance only can be dissolved by facing the unknown, which is again – completely irrelevant within my already existing relationship with fear.

In this context, I actually fear from what I know, yet I do not yet know specifically how. Interesting.

So easy to get lost within the mind consciousness, just give them ‘freedom’ and ‘choice’ and it’s complete oblivion.

In conclusion my current unknown is risking, which, if I really look all factors around my situation, with common sense I see much more risk to not take these risks I resist by giving into the fear of known to be used not to face the unknown. Weird. Might too complicated, or might not explained well, or even might I am not even fully aware of this, but it’s getting more clear.

In terms of my process, it’s more risky to not move than actually move, because I already know what happens when I do not move, express and expand: I remain limited, exposed to what I know, and also to the fact and it’s consequence of what I do not yet know, but I should.

If I really look at my so called, self-defined ‘risks’ – these are not life-threatening risks, like coming out from cover and run in front of sniper fire, but rather medium-size financial investments, what might limit my mid-term financial options, and I have a lot of memory and reaction to being limited financially, which seems like a good thing to absolutely avoid, but on the other hand, if I do not expand, I might remain just the way I currently am and that seem much more limiting actually.

Well, the whole money thing is completely tainted with these kind of decisions – almost everyone has quite limited amount of money, so it’s really not much to what one can afford, thus to really examine where to spend my coins is al-right, but also important to see the greater picture and to ensure that there is no memory-based, emotional-energetic resistance what influences my knowing, understanding and decision-making.

I used to self-convince myself with higher-price investments, meaning for a while weaving my mind around it, generating reactions, convictions, positive affirmations, reasons and justifications, and often that supported me, this time I try something new – no reaction, no energy, no thoughts, no positive feelings, no negative emotions allowed to make this leap into the unknown.

I deliberately omit to use the word ‘faith’ – as mostly everyone knows this phrase of ‘leap of faith’ – this time it is not about faith – in me or within any tool or process. This time I recognize the pattern of resisting to step into the unknown. Eventually everyone will realize that anything unknown is also self, just not yet known. Thus to be afraid from myself seems highly illogical and the only way to get to really know myself is to face the unknown.

It is also certain that any aspect, part of me fearing from unknown then reveals itself, as known – thus I actually know what is the problem. Fearing from not having money? Fearing of losing value, time, effort? Fearing making bad decision, fearing from mistake, a failure? Then if that’s obvious, I should ensure not to make mistake if I can, but if I do – I might just discovered something yet unknown, thus I get to know myself better for the next breath to live.

Actually – if I do not trust myself any time, that means within that moment I trust something else, specifically that pattern what I rather trust, which tells me not to trust myself, but that pattern, but then I have to realize – I lost ground, because if I do not trust myself, how can I be sure that I can trust in that doubt? It’s crazy, I know – and I am certain that people can get into psychiatry if they spend too much time in these kinds of mind-limbos, because it’s terrifying to just live in such an oblivion, wherein I can’t trust myself, but neither within my doubt, so then I am nothing. I’ve been there, done that, it’s totally uncool.

What assisted and supported me is the breath – presence – take a big sigh and in this moment what’s here is real – the physical sensation can lead me back here to earth – my body is the closest to real that I will ever have, thus it’s common sense to align with it, to observe it, to feel with it, to become it.

Go to a bodywork workshop, where it’s kind of a group-therapy to be in the body without words, thinking, defining or reacting – just be here and embrace. Then express, explore and investigate where doubt, resistance fear comes from and although go into it, but do not lose the body-presence-awareness – and only go into the understanding, when it’s clear within, no storms, emotions, thoughts as those will generate energy, what then will make one react, trigger patterns, what eventually will tell you not to face the unknown, which is also you. Enjoy.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that whenever I resist unknown is actually the result of my accepted relationship with what I already know, thus that I should re-evaluate, question, understand if I still give into the resistance to explore, expand and live without self-limitation.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that any time I resist to understand, know, become aware of something, it’s something within me currently creating that experience of resistance, what I do not yet know, even when I think I know what is the reason, that’s a justification and it’s time to open up and understand what I really fear, such as to lose a knowledge pattern I believed to be true, because then what to rely to and within that to realize that I do not trust myself and wanting to trust within constructs, patterns, relationships, knowledge, belief, separate from me.

I forgive myself that I have not realized/understood/seen the common sense solution to decompose all pattern I consist of, such as word relationships, associations, memories, personality definitions, emotions, feelings, thoughts to be able to free myself from self-limitations and to know what I do not yet know, but still using as an excuse to not expand, move, express.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that fearing the unknown is fearing myself, and I can stop it if I get to know myself and whenever seems supportive, stop a pattern and to explore, what is beyond the known.

I commit myself to stop resisting to explore and expand into the unknown and whenever stopping moving, I decompose the patterns within me and for give myself for accepting and allowing such self-limitation and find/prepare and live practical change breath by breath within and as my human physical body as stability, consistency and presence within my utmost responsibility.

Day 284 – Walk the Physical Timeline

phstPhysical Timeline: What does it mean and how to utilize for self-support, stabilization and expanding responsibility?
Why its common sense to be aware of the things without any interpretations, connotation, judgement or belief and why it’s so difficult to live like that?

Just check out the other Journey To Life blogs where people walk their memories, their mind and changing their relationship with the words they are realizing that were based on fear, delusion: http://destonians.com

Study Self and correct dishonesty at Desteni I Process:
http://desteniiprocess.com

FREE Self-honesty starter course: LITE
http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Self-supportive audiobooks at EQAFE:
http://eqafe.com

Day 260 – Decomposing delusions part 1

IMG_3633Here I walk through the self-dishonesty I’ve shared within my previous post by taking responsibility for what I’ve allowed to manifest as myself and within that I reveal the specificity to support my practical understanding of how I can release the delusion and start transforming and changing my living in terms of spirituality, drugs and dancing, but beyond those to accumulate knowing and trusting myself to express here in and as the physical directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people who dance and dancing in overall and trying to form an apparently valid opinion about what is good, cool, acceptable, nice, great and what is not and not realizing that as long as I participate within polarity, it’s not actually about dancing, but my self-judgments projected into dancing, thus I reflect it back to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dance to music or in silence in overall, because I’ve defined that I can’t dance and I have no sense for that and think that probably I would look silly and awkward, because that’s how I’ve felt when I was invited to dance by others, who wanted to dance with me.
I forgive myself that I have defined dancing as wasting time, because what’s good within moving my body when I can move my mind and not realizing that I’ve misplaced and misinterpreted who I am as defined it based on energetic experiences instead of realizing that the source of all is here in and as the physical body, which I disregarded, separated from who I perceived myself to be, therefore that perception have also influenced how I moved, felt moving and thus defining myself not to be good within dancing, because I’ve never learned it and I can’t let go this definition, because I’ve already concluded myself to be not interested in dancing, to be ineffective in dancing by definition.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the more I let go definitions and judgments, thoughts and emotions in my mind, the more I can be present and let the music into me and embrace it and move with it or against it, but simply: move myself without self-judgement as also accepting myself to be here who I am and how I am in this moment and just breathe and let my body as myself to live.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have allowed to have the tendency to ‘auto-boxing’ definitions and automatize my thinking, judgments and categorizing, because I’ve defined that seems helpful to navigate in the jungle of reality, to not need to always be here in the present, because then I can’t go into my daydreaming, thinking, imagination processes, what I felt as necessary to separate and hide myself from reality, but at the same time I wanted to be effective in reality and thus tried to find algorithms, patterns and programmed behavior what with I can interact with reality and others without being disregarded and hurt, abused and lost.

I forgive myself that I never have allowed myself to stop for a moment from everything and be honest with myself to be intimate with myself about how I feel myself in reality, in relation to others, myself, such as disregarded, hurt, afraid, uncertain, but I’ve constantly became obsessed to hide these points from myself and others and also becoming addicted to consistently prove myself that I should be and am regarded, not afraid, certain and brave without being honest with myself that I feel like that ‘against’ the world and others, because I feel like that in relation to myself at the first place.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve defined energetic experiences in my mind as a measurement of how and who I am and not realizing that thus becoming dependent to the already self-accepted pre-programmed automatic definitions, judgments, behavior-patterns, with what I react certainly and with that reaction as I participate in it, I feel those energetic experiences of positive or negative and thus creating an inner mind experience, what I’ve defined that it is who I am and never questioning how and why I’ve created this persona within my head at the first place and also not realizing that I am not directly IN and AS the physical reality, but separated, distanced by these definitions and energetic reactions with the starting point of shelling, shielding, protecting me from the reality ‘out there’ and not even remembering that it is the case.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize within the constant busy reaction-chain experiences in my mind that I’ve disregarded my human physical body, thus I have no idea how it is, what it is actually experiencing and how I could find a way ‘back’ into it, because all I ever knew was the starting point of the mind, therefore constantly defining the physical as inferior and by that not realizing that I diminish my direct self here also as inferior without realizing it.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve became the slave of my already accepted patterns in my mind, what I never considered to be able to stop and re-define, rewrite and recreate based on what would be the best for me within self-honesty, because I’ve convinced myself with the delusion that how and who I perceive myself to be is who I really am already, therefore I do not need to change, but even further, I have to resist change, because in the justification of fear of losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I never considered direct change with awareness, understanding and responsibility within physical presence, empty head, feeling the breath and live as physical substance, because all of the brainwashing about consciousness and soul, feelings and thoughts, free will and morality without actually investigating the definitions I’ve given to these words and my actual relationship to them with looking them as myself equally with common sense.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become frustrated by the realization that I am in a roller-coaster of mind-experiences of thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, judgments, definitions, convictions, what are really limiting me and not realizing that accepting this frustration as judging myself about how I judge myself in the first place is not supporting, but creating anger towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to project out my frustration and anger to things, systems, manifestations, people and everything else around me about blaming those for my experienced limitations, and not acknowledging that in fact I am limiting myself right here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the anger and frustration I’ve experienced was because of the given up experience towards the self-acceptance to the self-created self-limitations and in fact being angry and hateful towards and against myself, wanting to undo, destroy my creation as who I allowed myself to became, but not being aware of this pattern, so manifesting my life to lose things, people, myself from time to time in order to not accumulate the limitations but never considering to change myself, the source of all of those things, problems, limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and define that I have to develop extraordinary discipline in order to walk out from the limitations and my mind-prison and not realizing that discipline without principle, structure, method and understanding means nothing, because it’s conditioned to things I can’t or don’t yet direct, such as my self-accepted pre-programmed patterns to react with thoughts/feelings/emotions to things, people, events, thus the common sense to decompose those patterns and forgive, let go and thus change myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the deception of wanting to do one something until it’s perfection so much that through it I can transform all of my beingness without actually understanding everything I consist of and by that not realizing that it’s not awareness I develop, but I accumulate energy, but thus I always would remain the slave of that energetic experience, without actually understanding how and why that affects and stimulates, moves and directs me, what I believed that I have to overpower with extraordinary discipline.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to go to a trance state in order to break another trance instead of simply direct myself out from mind-experiences into and as physical presence.

I forgive myself that I have not yet fully realized the common sense within self-realization the following sentence: “prevention is the best cure“, meaning not to fight, overbalance, equate, suppress or endure reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions, but to prevent myself going into those mind-states which by I accumulate presence, direction and stability.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to completely miss the point of self-direction, self-responsibility by realizing that I can actually stop myself doing something what I decide and if there is resistance within me to do so, then I look into me and stop that resistance first and doing so until there is nothing to resist, thus I can direct myself within consistent application.

I forgive myself that I have never considered the possibility and the actual common sense to be able to change myself, change my starting point, my perception, my direction and physical expression, and missing to see this, because believing that what I don’t change is because that is who I perceive myself to be, thus I am already that, who I am and not realizing that is self-dishonesty, an excuse not to understand why I believe that I am already myself, accepting myself to be limited, resisting change, facing unknown, myself.

I will continue specifically with the spiritual delusions aspect in the next post…

Until that – check out the latest DIP LITE awareness online course’s latest videos about what are thoughts and how to be more aware of those.