Day 345 – Losing principle by emotional storm of fear

IMG_1030Recently I have been participating within emotions and during that period I disregarded some of the principles I have committed to live by, thus I see the self-correction and re-alignment to be required, which I share here. (It opens up a lot more as I walk it – added later)

Scenario: Due to feeling worried and upset, I did not respect others around me the way I previously committed myself to, which then also manifested consequences I did regret later.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get reactive with my worries and fears to the point of automatic justification for disregarding my decision, discipline and principle in general on how to prioritize attention and actions, and in this example as decided to do all I can to express my gratitude and respect for something I was given to, however, due to the overwhelming emotional conflict I accepted within, what lasted for hours, I lost track of my commitments due to the emotional confusion and pain I experienced.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if any justification appears on why to focus only to myself, my ‘feel bad’ experience – is purely self-interest based on fear of loss and fear of fear itself, as perceiving losing something I did not want to lose and not realizing that it’s a perception only and meanwhile facts, reality, others are still ‘here’ in my reality, who I disregard.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that fear of loss is fear of myself as within losing what I hold onto, as a relationship to keep ‘having’ within myself about the subject of fear to lose – and doing it so then in my mind I don’t need to face who I am within and without this relationship, as uncertain, worried, doubtful and unstable and within this, not realizing that what I fear from, I exactly manifest by accepting emotional reactions within myself, thus it’s the worst case scenario literally I focus and react to: I accept and experience fear, I manifest what I fear from and I lose what I do not want to lose.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that what I fear losing and I can lose, was in the first place never ‘mine’, but I defined it within my mind, got attached to it’s mental and emotional hope and comfort thus it’s all a mind-game, meanwhile reality moves, changes, but I am not in sync with it, therefore I am focusing to reacting to a problem, instead of focusing to direct solution and/or prevention.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within focusing to emotions, I am disregarding reality, and in fact my emotions are consequences, self-generated energetic effects of the source of the problem of perceived self-separation and as long as I do not directly focus to that origin point of the problem in terms of actual facts, circumstances, conditions, trigger point, its dynamics: I do not have enough understanding and reality awareness to be able to stop/change it, thus I will not understand how my self-sabotaging emotions are being self-generated, and I will not be able to solve the problem and to understand what is causing the emotional instability, causing me to not be able to live up to my commitments, principles, decisions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within emotional reactional mind- and body-state, I am not making good decisions, here ‘good’, meaning what is best for all participants, including myself in the situation, and thus, whenever making decision, first to clarify if I am not compromised with fear, worry, emotional hurt or petrification of chance of loss of something valuable for me – and if I am indeed compromised, I first stop, forgive myself, re-align, and change my stance, back to physical awareness and then re-assess the situation and make the decision of what and how to act.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry of being rejected, disregarded, thrown out and within that fear not realizing that it feels really bad to experience of such things, because I am not accepting, regarding and embracing myself here unconditionally within consistency, and exactly the very conditions I define of how and why I accepted to fear from rejection/disregard/thrown away, are the self-dishonesty points I have to stand up to and take responsibility for, as those points are what I don’t allow to live myself directly here, but needing something outside of me in the moment, at the exact situation I find myself within.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist applying self-forgiveness, realignment in real time at situations when I see myself being overwhelmed with fear and emotions, because believing, justifying that in that moment, while being among others, I do not have time, opportunity or the right moment to apply practical self-honest self-change, due to fear of missing out what’s here, and in that not realizing that if I am already ‘being within’ emotional reactions, I am in fact already missing out what’s here, thus this justification is not valid, it’s self-manipulative and the opposite of best practical common sense solution, but to intensify the problem.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I worry of being judged if I would ask for a moment, a little time to re-assess, to re-align, re-center myself while being in a conversation, communication, among with others, because I fear that others would judge me as crazy, slow, weird, not ‘professional’ in the sense of needing to take time for such simple actions, what others seem to not do ever and within that not realizing that to stop for some seconds to make the best practical common sense decision should not be resisted but applied naturally, whenever it’s possible.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is completely normal to tell the other(s) who I am communicating with that I recollect myself for a moment, I make the best approach by taking some deep breath and a little time to see this through, and within that, I can apply self-forgiveness within, or if possible, even making some notes, if necessary and it is alright, especially if I recognize that I am in so much worry and fear, and I can see how I have tendency to screw up things up based on by looking at my memories of being in fear, thus fear and worry states should not be accepted.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to directly remember and become aware of all the decisions I’ve made previously when ‘falling into’ emotional instability and thus not realizing that the practical way out of falling into the reality-disregarding emotional vortex is to specifically look at the points I am accepting and allowing to fall into with the reactions and to make a stand in a moment to stand up from it and express that decision until I am fully here – if I can’t snap out of it in a moment as it presents itself, then, I prepare myself for it by writing it and/or voicing it and pre-scripting of how exactly I am going to prevent myself falling into emotion, which in fact is admitting and accepting powerlessness.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within accepting falling into emotional reactions, I admit that I recognize that I can’t act the solution directly and immediately, and then I react to that self-acceptance with fear that I am going to remain like that and within that fear, fearing that this is who I am going to be and become from now on and believing that I can’t do anything about it, and then becoming worried and afraid, and within that energetic experience, I keep accepting me being powerless to do anything to solve the original problem, because I focus to judging my situation as ‘bad’ and not focusing to solution.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I use emotional worry, fear to stimulate myself into different mind state, wherein I hope that based on this ‘pressure’ and uncomfortability, I will start to act, to try to solve the problem and within that not realizing/seeing and understanding that with this, I am not directly here, I am influenced within my awareness by the emotion, the nature of the relationship to the point I react with and thus I am compromised and handicapped to not being able to make the best practical decision due to the experience of emotion/worry/fear.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I accept myself to exist within separation with my fear, meaning I am not equal with it, but it can come and go apparently, and also I can’t stop it – thus I accept it as more superior and directive than myself being here and not realizing that it’s a result of accumulated self-acceptance, and with accumulated effort of standing up moments I can break through and stop this pattern.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not focus to the actual source points of emotional instability directly and immediately when about to arise, which is, in this example: fear of rejection, disregard, fear of humiliation and disrespect and within that not realizing that the moment I start fearing of these happening to me, I am not acting directly and immediately to see: what I actually can do to prevent/stop reacting with these self-definition experiences, not being in the way of practical application for the original, source issue I face.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within emotional reaction state, I actually had a thought to still do what I committed to do, to share my respect and gratitude for what I was given to, but within the feeling hurt emotional experience and fear of rejection, I immediately disregarded that idea, and within that not realizing that the value I wanted to express, I equally disregarded, just as I feared to be disregarded, and within that not realizing that the self-expression I honestly wanted to live, I literally disregarded, and thus – in fact I disregarded myself, manifesting my fear to become real.

Self-corrective statements:

  • When and as I feel becoming emotional, when I start to worry or fear, I stop, I become aware of my physical body, it’s mass, gravity, it’s movement, how it is being alive, breathing, and to realize, it is the self-honest way to express myself and not to get reactive emotions. As the point and relevance here is not itself the physical details, but the self-decided and directed equalization of my awareness across and among my physical, mind and beingness in equality, thus I do not fall into any of those within and as consequential manifested self-separation through judgement and fear.
  • When and as I fear and worry, I realize I am accepting this and I can decide to stop, within that I look why do not I stop fearing, what is the value I fear losing, is that value I really have power over? It is to realize that what I fear from, I am already on the ‘have no power about’ side, and with the fear I accept it and justify it even further, so I can hide behind fear from powerlessness.
  • I commit myself to stop giving into the fear and to realize it is because I am not standing as equal as my fear, and thus I have no power over it, thus I can’t stop, I keep feeding, experiencing and being slave of it, because I, in fact fear to be equal with my fear, because within it I could see that it’s delusion, it’s nothing, but I do not want to realize, let go, because gives false hope, purpose, without needing to take responsibility and own my reality as who I am as LIFE.
  • When and as I worry that if I disrespect others while falling into worry and fear, rejection and disregard, I realize that it is, because I do not let go the fear of rejection, fear of disregard, because I do not want to be disregarded, which is in fact the self-created relationship with myself, but projected out to others, and not wanting to recognize the pattern of I am disregarding myself here, and noone else can be blamed and the only solution is to take all back to self and stop participating and let go everything I do not direct and to decide what practical action I can do and is it self-honest or not, and if not, then I let that go as well and focus to what potential I can live as LIFE.

This assisted me a lot and not much later I was able to see behind my fear and stop it with realizing what I was not seeing before. But I had to walk this whole rough period to support myself to stand up from it. I will continue with what I have realized and I am still applying, whenever the fear or judgement pops up in my mind and I immediately take responsibility and re-align Self Here as Life.

In advance: this 2 interviews are exceptional support for the same type of longer-term mind-possession I was within in relation to my fears and I suggest them to everyone:

 

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Day 242 – Writing the blog re-alignment

IMG_5251I see I have not written the amount of blogs I decided to, so opening up some points to here to direct and re-align.

If I look into myself, it’s simple – I want to write as much as possible, there are so many things I realize, I want to share, I want to direct, write through, prepare, support myself with – it’s every day like that, no exception.
If I try to bring up excuses, I immediately see, there is none what can be actually justified, but somehow still I can come up with several ones:
I just moved to my new home, since a week there is normal internet, I had no car in the last two weeks, so my travels took double time and arrived home late night almost every day, I was working on big blog posts, and one took me multiple days to finish, started another – not public writing project, joined another online course…

These were not really relevant as if I would really investigate and self-honestly see them individually or even altogether: there was still time. Well, exactly that was the point this(last) month I kept saying to myself, whenever I had some time to write more. “Hey, it’s still not the end of the month, tomorrow!” And then the last day of the month was a pre-scheduled travel day all day along, so what to do, it’s done.
Well, the world certainly will continue without more of my blog posts, but it’s about my commitment.

Is it resistance to sit down and write? In these days writing comes easily – even if there is something self-dishonesty, it’s not that uncomfortable to write about it, especially, because I start to get to the senses, that this is really supporting me. How? The previous writings, the journey I’ve walked thus far is proof, what I do not have to think about, it’s in my physical being with me all the time. That’s great. But regardless of all the process in the world, if I rely on to one singular thought-pattern, I still can be distracted, so to speak – mesmerized – by the self-definition I’ve given into, such as “I still have time” and repeating it until the end of times(symbolic, meaning when there is no more time, like end of a cycle, such as 2015 October).
Where I could have give more time to write: for instance I’ve watched several episodes of TV series, one-two movies during the month what with I could have been waited, but it’s another point to open up within the ‘justification’ what got me: I was tired, exhausted, so it seems like I’ve linked walking a broad pillar of my process only if I am fresh, energetic, totally directive, however what I do not consider is that exactly with the patterns of justifications I also can make experience myself as tired. I’ve noticed that before: when participating within a lot of thinking, reasoning in my mind, it takes quite a lot of effort and once I fall into the experience of ‘tiredness’ – I accept to rely on specific patterns to handle this state: drinking tea, coffee, eating for instance – but before going to sleep, I do not do those things, because it would not support me to sleep well. So I accepted the conditional tiredness not to change based on another condition and all of a sudden I was not directing, but I was controlled by my perceptions and judgements!
Yes, there can be days, when I am so tired and exhausted that my head falls down and I can just close my eyes and I immediately fall asleep, but within the last month, there was only one or two days, when I arrived home like that. Also, when I go to sleep earlier, usually I can wake up earlier too, thus giving the ‘time’ to do my commitments.

It’s something, what I take seriously, not as I am crazy serious, but simply, because I’ve decided and it’s a self-reflection and also, because I have much more plans to continue with, what requires dedication, consistency and self-trust, so for that it’s quite a simple test: can I write at least 4 ‘proper’ blog posts(sharing points I have realized, changed, walked through) – and if not, then I see, why not and what and how exactly I have to change my attitude, behavior.
IMG_5257
Here I walk a series of opening self-forgiveness statements to exactly see what are the things I see within myself-my mind what I am not always aware of, yet could influence, accumulate me into lack of self-direction.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about not writing four blog posts in a month and focusing onto the ‘why not’ and the reaction of ‘how uncool is that I don’t’ instead of finding opportunities and making effort to actually sit down and write.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that I do need a lot of time to ‘construct’ a proper blog post, what is containing ‘good enough’ support, written well, meaning no much grammatical errors, readable by others and around one topic.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to apply myself fully when writing blog post and thus not writing always within presence, thus ending up writing without discipline, self-direction and thus ‘adding’ into the writing something what I am sure later I will re-read and realize has to be rewritten-changed-re-aligned-removed and thus indeed manifesting what I was worried about: takes too much time, not having enough time, while if I would discipline and direct myself to write only within presence, clarity, then it could be ‘faster’.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see when I am not present within writing but starting to write about points of how I react to those, writing about others, wanting to make it seem as a good story, more focusing to how it would be perceived, rather than writing it out how I see directly and thus not seeing that simplicity is the key here. I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I write something what not simple common sense, then there is the chance that I am not seeing, accessing, walking it directly, but ‘beating around the bush’ and thus I need to take a breath, let everything go and re-align and continue with direction.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that what I experience, feel in my mind, physically when I start to write without direction, presence, clarity and when I go into reaction mode and not stopping, re-aligning, correcting myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have deliberately chosen things to do what were not the priority and thus creating friction within me, what I know will just take more time instead of simply preventing myself to go into reaction, and if I can’t simply direct myself out of it in real physical time, then I write about that specifically, and in this case: that also can be a blog post.
  • I forgive myself that I defined writing blog post time-consuming and not realizing it can be also a simple audio or video recording, wherein I also allowed myself to focus to the technical perfection, what indeed can take more time and not realizing that here the content is important, not the quality, as even with my simplest gadget I could record understandable, acceptable podcast, vlog quality.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the idea of perfection I’ve allowed to get in my way while defining this idea as part of me, what supports me, gives more value and not seeing that this idea is an obsession, what has also origin point, which is wanting to be good, better, meaning what comes naturally from my expression I’ve judged as not good by comparison and believing that I can only produce acceptable, good, quality expression, when I am taking a lot of time.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can allow myself to learn directly, without the mind, when I totally make the leap of faith so to speak from the mind into the direct physical living, then I can make mistakes, I can fall, but I can stand up and learn and expand.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have the ability to change and that is not related to my thinking, my judgements, my worries, but the direct beingness, who is directing within this very moment writing this post, pushing myself into understanding and practical application of change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can open up new opportunities to share myself in my blog during my day and to see, when I can have several minutes to share myself, especially with the fact that many times I realize something but I do not write it down, sharing it, so it’s gone, instead of I could make notes, I could make audio logs, video logs and at the end of the day simply gather them and share.
  • When and as I use the phrase, that ‘I still have time’ – I exactly know that I try to slip away the responsibility I committed to take and whatever comes up in the context next, is excuse and justification, what with I accumulate future friction, what is unnecessary, and also time-consuming, so to prevent double-time wasting, I immediately stop when I would see that I should, I want to write my blog but I am in the decision not to and there to see that I have a choice.
  • When and as I would worry about not having enough time, I stop and I breathe and I realize it’s happened, because I’ve went into the mind to perceive time, where it’s bigger than me, I am reacting to it, I worry about it, instead of remaining here, present, directive, wherein time is just a reference, reflection point of how much I have walked already to see within self-honesty, how effective I am in relation to expanding my potentials.
  • When and as I would see the excuse of I still have time coming up, I stop and I see what is my physical, body, present experience, is there any specific worry, fear, judgement, reaction, what are the thoughts to see exactly what I contain, represent, am responsible to be aware of and stop.
  • When and as I see that I rely on the perception of how much time left, I still have until the end of the month, which is the final reflection of how many posts I’ve wrote, wherein it’s not the quantity what matters, but yet, the accumulation is also relevant, then I stop and realize that I am capable of sharing many things, and there is no limit of how much I could share from my past realizations, when considering of shall I write or not, thus I immediately act writing/recording and to see what comes.
  • When and as I would go into judging myself as not good enough quality of blog writing, I stop and I see, when I am not present, where I went and why, what are the trigger points I’ve went into reaction while I continued writing, to prevent myself not to go there next time.
  • When and as I see that I am in reactions in relation to blogging, sharing, I see/realize/understand that I can also use that as an opportunity to walk through it with writing/recording in real time, and that is also a great process blog share material.
  • I commit myself to share at least eight posts in a month and if there is any resistance, reaction to this commitment and actual doing, then the post will consist of walking through that reaction/resistance/difficulty.
  • I commit myself to be aware of when I am writing without direction/principle/presence and prevent myself going into and simply re-aligning myself within self-honesty and if required, to apply the tools of further writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements.
  • I commit myself to stop define myself of the technical quality of my process sharing and prevent myself going into judgements, projections and actual decisions not to do/continue/share based on any judgements.
  • I commit myself to actually enjoy writing/sharing while being here and to realize that I can discipline, direct and share myself with enjoyment as well, whenever I decide so and whenever I would see to become too serious, too rigid, that there is the opportunity to stop and see what are the thoughts I do not take responsibility for to stop.
  • I commit myself to stop thinking and judging myself and make the leap of faith, what means literally get into the next moment without a single thought, worry, projection or judgement and find out who I am within the moment, within self-honesty, within the physical direct living.