Day 326 – Desteni meeting in Europe

IMG_1833Some weeks ago I was in Brussels, where I met with a lot of people, who are, just like me, walking the process of Self-honesty and 7 years Journey to Life blogs. Most, if not all of these people are also walking the awesome online courses of Desteni I Process.

We were more than two dozens and many other Europeans still could not come, but it was already extraordinary to see and even hug so many people, who are behind these blogs I read and to just enjoy being with them, together.

Well, I knew some of them from previous meetups, but most of them I only knew from what they are sharing online through their blogs and vlogs, articles and videos on their social network profiles – just like me.

By the nature of these writings and videos, which is of self-realization, self-honesty, self-correction and self-forgiveness, the deeper understanding of what these individuals are dealing within their life, their mistakes, falls and standing ups, their secret mind, the points they do or do not like within themselves,  and this openness really supports to establish a more direct, honest and intimate communication as almost literally being able to read their minds can quite reveal the nature of their deeper selves, which naturally manifests a more honest relationship with them.

Because we could talk all day about the weather, but if about self and problems and solutions, then it is much less superficial and more real connection.

What becomes obvious quite immediately is that these are ‘every day’ people, they have a profession, a personal life, they talk, they smile, they hug and sharing a vast variety of expressions, quite naturally.

Everyone, literally anyone of this meeting I’ve talked with, I was able to have a direct, deep and meaningful conversation, often came to context of explaining an intimate point either something supporting, such as expansion or realization or a limitation, a fear, or something not so cool or a self-dishonesty and talking about how to approach a solution.

I could easily call this meeting as the opposite of superficial conversations as everyone was enjoying to become open and kind of brutally honest and it is something I value very much and I can experience it here and there back at home too, but within this ‘density’ I’ve never experienced before as at this meeting.

What became clear from the first moment is that all of us are walking through our own mind, self-dishonesty since quite some years, and we are realizing that although we each are walking completely different life path, also we are birthing the exact same quality of life force into physical expression. And this is like a real brotherhood without the blood-connection, but as a self-honesty, direct life-force connection.

Many claim that we exist as a cult, which always was, is and ever will be a ridiculous claim, and the exact proof for it was this meeting for anyone to realize that this is about simplicity, practical common sense and humbleness as we are able to see within each the same life potential as within ourselves. But to be able to honor that within others, first I have to uncover, purify and birth it to live myself.

There were a LOT of insightful conversations, also beings through the Portal with Sunette and shared points to consider, realize and live, such as realizing how ridiculous is to be mesmerized and stopped by fear of death, or to be able to own my own life and take authority on things I’ve went through and realized, manifested and lived.
It was very humbling experience to see everyone to get and even give direct support and how extraordinary and casual it was.
I’ve also got so more points to reflect back, cross-reference and work with to continue walking through and stopping inner resistances, self-limitations, self-definitions and energetic stimulations, which I am going to continue walk here.

The founder guy of this kind of expression, principle, movement was Bernard Poolman and many ‘followed’ him and when he passed away, a lot of individuals claimed that since then, Desteni is not the same, lost it’s edge, not really expanding.

I’d say, this meeting was the living proof for the exact opposite.

Many Europeans are walking their process of self-honesty and breath by breath, step by step, word by word they start to own their lives and become more clear and directive from within, expressed into the world, unified, unrestricted within the principle of equality and oneness as the starting point of what is best for all.

And that principle is so simple that many miss it as it is always here, just humans got accustomed to not being here in and as the physical flesh, as awareness but moved into mind consciousness energetic and systematic experiences and that process of awareness starts with (my)self here: what is best for me and my reality within absolute self-honesty? To stop being influenced, dragged down, limited by my past. Thus to work through that in this world, to share that process, to walk it unconditionally, that is an honor I am proud to witness and be able to participate within.

We are all going to die inevitably, that is a no-brainer and we do not have choice with that. Period.
But as who we are going to live as, and what consequences we are manifesting, what living example we show to our current and next generations – that is each and every single individual’s responsibility, and that is not a choice either. So better own that responsibility.

Big realization was also to see that it is not about when I am with ‘my kind of’ people, but actually, I can and should live the same way, talk to any other beings on earth equally open and direct, regardless if they do walk the same specific self-support course, technique, or not because what matters is self-honesty and practical awareness and responsibility, equally within everyone’s life.

Thus, this meeting have reminded me that organizing, connecting and sharing is power and I should not limit my self-expression about wanting to find or have the same starting point in relation to anyone, as that what I learn and express within this group, it is the same to be able to always live the same potential, regardless of who I am with, but simply: ‘as who I am’, period.


Day 318 – From awkwardness to self-trust part 1

PSX_20170116_094211Sharing points about how I am utilizing to enter and participate within society to expose, understand and stop self-dishonesty within myself.

Some personal history:

I used to be quite an introvert, a quiet guy in the background and if I would have to describe my overall experience and expression within human relationships in one word, that would be awkward.

Within the development of my personality, the social interaction was always a step behind from other kids from the same age and thus they always seemed a bit more good at these things than me and I experienced this doubt and inferiority and all I could do about it was to suppress, justify and hide. In the meantime I’ve learned the “discipline” to constantly and consistently fantasize, to daydream and self-stimulate.

Around high school I’ve started to notice the first time that my level of social and communication ability it is highly limiting, for instance, when I had affection towards certain females. I was literally crushed within, even from just the idea to say a word to a woman, who I liked. Although, later women approached me quite directly and I was still able to screw up and ending up not doing what I actually wanted, what I had the opportunity for and with this I just made myself more frustrated and awkward.

I was constantly thinking about what could happen, what should I do, similarly to a computer, running simulations of possibilities, tainted with doubt and fear of mistakes and failures.

After something was done or there was an action I wanted to do, but I did not, I kept re-playing it in my mind, just judging myself, finding acceptable reasons, why, why why?

Quite early on I’ve developed this weird ability to generate extreme amount of energetic experiences within my mind and body due to constant emotional reactions to my self-judgement, which has taken the toll to my actual self-trust quite extensively. Especially with being able to suppress it in a split-second, when I started to ‘lose my clean head’, I just firmly said ‘enough!’ and the emotion seemed like it was gone. But it was not, I was suppressing, accumulating in the ‘background’ and once it was too much to ‘contain, endure’, then it came out, I felt this weird rage-like mind state, which often, politely say, prevented me to act out of my possible best potentials. Then I did calm down, and the whole process started over.

At university, alcohol-fueled parties brought change in a way, I was able to inhibit suppression for a while, although I’ve felt myself literally more close to an animal in those moments than human, but felt good to release the chained beast so to speak.
I was not really aggressive, but rather reckless and so to speak fearless within my actions. It’s consequences were also substantial, problems with finishing exams, wasting lot of opportunities in my location situation at the campus , falling into a rejected affection so deeply, that I literally lost years within complete emotional turmoils.

In the next phase of my life I’ve smoked dope and after a while found my next tool, powerful psychedelic drugs to melt, expand and fractalize my mind, and in a way the first couple of experiments opened my eyes to vast amount of possibilities and potentials in terms of human relationships, social abilities, the mind, etc. I was still the same shy, awkward kid within, which I never stopped facing, noticing and hating too, but saw a glimpse of hope for change. Wrote a diary, learned basics of Aikido and zen meditation.

After some quite extraordinary sets of experiences during self-stimulative sitting meditations, I’ve realized that I could sit through my entire life, I could create inner peace, seeing dimensions all the way, touching the leg of nirvana, but once I stand up, everything fades away and my initial crucible of overwhelming awkwardness naturally returns.

This made me realize that I have to actively work within ‘every day moments‘ on facing and opening up these experiences, expressions and explore ways to change.

I always worked behind computers, interacting with machines, so I figured out, the perfect start would be to have a job where I have to communicate with people.

This was the most resisting thing I had, so realized, why not to push towards that.

A friend of mine had an art shop, so I became a seller. She was my boss, I had to greet, listen and serve people, answer to their questions about the art techniques, tools, items and it was challenging. I did not stay too long there, only for the time to realize that this ‘method’ is effective, I’ve learned a lot.

Sometimes, I even had my body physically resisting moving forward, or started shaking, which might seem crazy or schizo, but I see it now, it is the extent of how humans can accumulate inner-mind patterns, energetic experiences to manifest physical resistances, which are literally like dense swamp or even brick wall sometimes to walk through.

I’ve seen this as fear of death – the death of my ego, my bubble imaginary mind personality is literally afraid to being exposed to face the fact that it’s time for it to die. And as I was identified with this image and likeness, to some degree, I had this weird sensation of putting down a part of myself, but I had to do. I kept imagining how I die, my body parts would just explode as I walk through a car, maybe there is a bomb there, and in a weird way, I’ve tried to get accustomed to facing death, to walk towards something, which is not comfortable, absolutely unpleasant, but I had to walk, there is no stopping, or I would remain this screwed up and self-limited.

(What back there, then I did not realize that I was fighting against myself, thus literally created wars within myself, thus what I resisted, persisted too, thus this was going on for a while and much-much later I realized the practicality of embracing the totality of myself)

Later on, I travelled with another kind of artists, jugglers, musicians, we sold hand-made artwork on street, I learned to not only be effective on performing and making money on street, but actually enjoying it too.

What made it difficult was that I did not stop smoking dope and that often brought back the introvert/awkward kid within me, but I did not see that back then.

My experience with weed is that it brings back a certain mind-state, even if it seems different and evolving, it’s kind of ‘going back’ experience, and for me – and maybe many others too – it’s a less emotionally responsible version of myself, and yes, I’ve trained myself and my mind to have fun, enjoy and focus to cool things with the experience, but in a way, it also catalyzed to keep suppressing the judgments, emotions, responsibilities I kept ignoring, escaping from.

I never really had any ‘withdrawal’ symptom from any substance, not even ‘psychologically’ – only on self-level to use the experience to not be self-honest in a way, to keep hiding, procrastinating to face the really relevant and problematic points in my life. Even, with the fact that my primary goal with these substances, genuinely was self-development and to support transcendence – with this tiny little point, most of these were in a way biased and compromised to a certain extent.

But this, I only realized much later.

When I came home, I was already a bit different man in terms of being a bit more natural while interacting with people. Still awkward, but now had some patterns to utilize to interact with others. This change attracted a different kind of people into my life, who with I continued to learn new skills.
One of the most important ones was dancing. I always hated that, resisted, more than the devil one would – which is obviously weird, but I did push through that one eventually with some chemical bridge, one occasion was enough. I even saw that not the MDMA itself made me open, as I was kind of planning to do with it, it just gave some push and that’s all I needed back then. Much later I’ve did MDMA maybe twice more, but those did not really ‘add’ anything new in particular, so then I lost my interest with that substance. In a way, I also realized, it was more ME, who did open this point up, thus I did not make habit from taking this substance, as many of my friends did then, and some still.

Sometimes these can assist, but if it’s more than a couple times in a lifetime, one has to realize the fact that it’s a distraction, the question one has to answer: why?
So, after one particular night, I realized I am a dancer. Not a professional, not in any particular style, but to move and enjoy with music genuinely in the moment – that’s dancing and it’s a gift.
I kept ‘practicing’, still, mostly under influence of psychedelics, mainly for drum and bass and goatrance. I learned a lot of ‘trance dance’ patterns and endurance, but beyond that, I was still awkward. This was not enough.

I will continue in the next post

Day 316 – A decade of Process

Reflecting back to my process of what I have realized and sharing one of my greatest challenges I faced during the last decade and how supportive and inspiring the desteni community, online and study material is within changing self-dishonest patterns.

I am grateful for the community called desteni(as referring to taking our and life’s destiny into our hands).

It was about ten years ago(around 2007 spring/summer, then started writing this blog in 2008 january), when I started to study and apply the material, the tools, principle within my life. Here is my first post from 2008 and my expression/English language was not as refined as today, but the message was clearly the same already:

talvlog-1There is a vast amount of online sources of study material available for supporting individual and collective understanding of various aspects of humanity, nature and existence.

Desteni I Process Lite

Desteni I Process Pro

Self-supporting audio-books

Self-supporting videos



Day 313 – Tiredness as acceptance

img_5133-editIn my last blog I’ve mentioned tiredness. Continuing on that.

Let me describe a set of experiences: Always feeling tired, exhausted, sometimes almost literally hurts to move around, but there is nothing wrong with my body, but still, the very existence makes me feel like I am moving in dense liquid.

Sometimes there are so many inner resistances within an individual that it becomes the overall ‘life experience’: tiredness, weakness, lack of focus, vulnerable to distract, dissipated, almost like uninterested.

Then someone can suggest to take vitamin D or eat this or drink that to compensate or to say eat less sugar and carbon hydrates, start working out, etc.

Although these might be healthy suggestions, often the overall and general tiredness is the manifested consequence of accumulated acceptances and allowances of self-sabotage, self-defeat, self-compromise.

Imagine a scenario when you(just to “walk in someone’s shoes) could do something really cool, you even would literally be happy to do that, but for a little, thin, silent inner thought-voice, you just do not do that. Like helping that old guy picking up junk on the street could make sense, but you think that your groovy friends would think that you are stupid or fool or gay or whatever the trend to dislike is around this time. And they indeed could do that, so the fear is logical. The fear of judgement, exclusion and being bullied could literally do drastically change behaviour, just like that, especially for a kid: influence. And it does not matter much if it’s those kids fault of they would bully him if he would do that or ‘you'(a kid), who actually stops acting common sense based on fear of judgement, being ridiculed and bullied, even if it’s actually a self-rationalized self-judgement, but still the reality is that the person stops acting what could’ve felt like naturally do it, but did not.

That can leave a mark, a splinter in someone’s mind to create more doubt, self-judgement and shame. And then maybe blame and anger towards self and/or the others too, hey, even towards the old guy! Crazy. And imagine doing that just once a week for a year. The same thing happens, still not acting upon it, so the experience repeats itself, while the inner reactions as well.

And plus this: there is this cute girl you’d like to be with, to just hang around with, play with, nothing serious, but you are afraid to approach her by the fear of she might reject you, she would sense that you’d love to do it, more than you should show, because this might seem as a vulnerability and she could’ve laugh at you or just tell the others and everyone would point fingers at you and you’d be ashamed and you just stop even trying to approach her, but somehow within still feeling the same affection. Twisted it is. Then accepting it every day, facing the point of wanting to, but actually not doing what you’d like to do and for that you might start blaming the girl, other kids, society, the gods, or yourself, who is the one in fact not doing what seems to be the coolest. More self-judgement, shame, frustration, anger.

There is this boss and you’d really like to tell him how stupid he is but he might fire you and you just had your third kid, the loan is on the house, the wife is sick, there was grandpa’s funeral, grandma is poor and sad and the car is at repair – you literally cannot afford to lose this job, so you swallow your words, your pride but those emotions do not stop moving, just in your mind, your body, you can also go into extreme frustration, limitation and again ending up feeling powerless, exposed to forces outside of your control and being a slave and becoming totally a survival machine with no joy most of the time.

Or you follow the news, seeing these scandals of the corrupt, greedy politicians, officials stealing millions and billions, their stupidity gloats through their expression when they have a public speech, it’s so frustrating to see the country being sunk by those idiots, but what can you do, just shake your fist, even go to the street and participate in protests, but that does not really change much, or if sometimes does change a tiny point, they probably are doing much worse in the background meanwhile and you are just being distracted from the really nasty shit and when it’s being exposed in the next scandal, leaks or whistle blowing, you are now more furious and want them dead, but at the same time your life is still miserable and struggling with putting food to the family’s table. For years and years and then decades.

More extreme – having an aggressive drunk dad, who comes home every day and being the shittiest person he could ever be and his children are screwed from many angles because of him, he beats and abuses mum, sometimes the kids and those kids are exposed to the worst – every single day exactly at the times when they are the most defenceless and vulnerable, thus this will be part of their personality, how they try to cope, resist, suppress, fight and even justify or deny what they’ve got as family package. Horrible, but it’s real for many people. That accumulation of self-compromise is an extreme disadvantage for the individual and a massive fail for humanity as a whole too.

These scenarios bear the same mark – accumulating a lot of acceptance and allowance, one occasion by another, creating these multi-layered judgement-reaction patterns what sticks with the individual, no matter what he or she does – where she or he goes to, the memories, the associations, the trigger points and the experiences have been literally integrated into the personality and the actual human physical body, which is like a resonant aura and that is like a heavy burden, what the person carries and it’s exhausting.

Even when not thinking about all the bad things what the person keeps accepting and allowing but would not and within self-honesty: should not accept if the person could see it as having a choice on that, but perceives that there is no choice, but to endure, to carry, to accept.

That’s part of the weight: to carry that decision as the ultimate reason of acceptance and allowance: to decide, conclude and define that there is no other choice. Is it 100% that there is no other way, none, zero? Sometimes there is not and yes, sometimes there is, but that’s maybe linked to another already accumulated acceptance and allowance of something totally different perception of ‘I have no choice in that either’.

Even the person would start to look at that second point, here is a third one, totally linked with this one, and there is like ‘daa, I had no choice in that either’ – experience.

Imagine having about a hundred of those points – completely intertwined, like a spider web, weaved by my own words and emotional reactions to situations, scenarios, memories, beliefs, fears and desires – and I am sitting at the centre and I think that I am the master of this web to catch the best of life, meanwhile not realizing that I have created my own invisible prison. Well, it’s not even invisible, but from where I sit, I don’t see altogether, maybe sometimes feeling it, how difficult to freely move around without whining, blaming about problems and limitations.

Look at adults, how pathetic most of them can be when there is actually an opportunity to freely express, enjoy or share themselves – in a park – their shoes, clothes would become dirty, they don’t want to be seem as a fool, they afraid if others would see their body shape, they would be judged as fat or thin, having too small or too big boobs, there is a spot on her thighs what others would think it’s infection or well, she did not shave her legs, so other would be disgusted if she would take off her pants to go into the awesome lake. Just some silly examples. Another typical example, when dogs and their owners meet – if the dogs don’t go warrior on each other, but having fun – they are uninhibited, unrestricted, like there is no tomorrow, while the ‘owners’ are like ‘hey, nice weather’ – ‘Aham.’

Human mostly is nothing else but excuse and justification and that has to be kept and maintained all the time. Otherwise they would’ve let those silly reasons accidentally go! Crazy idea to just let go a fear or limitation, so humans are constantly re-and reacting to their trigger points of their frustrations, limitations, acceptances and allowances of self-limitations with multi-dimensionally bastioned reasons of logic, emotions, beliefs and superstitions.

That’s tiresome. A huge burden, and the person might not being aware of that it’s constantly going within one’s subconscious and unconscious, physical and quantum mind, but that’s the truth.

The conscious mind is just the tip of the iceberg, one might even ‘master’ that ‘experience’ with spiritual trickery, to keep in balance the thinking mind and have this calm balance ‘experience’, but the truth is that the mind as a sort of artificial intelligence gives it to the person, it’s so cool, for a half an hour, the person can have her/his peace, but in all other times, he/she is owned. Totally, cruelly screwed up, but this exists. I used to be there, I was so convinced in that I am reaching enlightenment, but oh boy, I had no idea what I was dealing with until started to learn the actual nature of the mind, the consciousness systems and how I am only the responsible for all my problems, which then turned out to be holding also the keys for the greatest gifts in my life with those points, of which I’ve walked through some already, and some I am still decomposing, stopping, re-defining and changing myself within living application.

That’s why it’s the Journey to life blogging, vlogging, writing every day, or if that’s too much, write as often as possible, every second day, or every third day, but has to be consistently, because the self- accepted mind-patterns are already consistent and one has to accumulate such movement, direction, self-trust and self-expression to turn the self-sabotage tide to the point of change, when it can be stopped and being able to work on walking backwards from decomposing, stopping, forgiving the already created self, who is a prey of conditions and to learn to take responsibility, to start directly moving without judgements, energetic reactions and not accepting to live in self-sabotage.

Also important to note that once someone is being able to push through inner self-resistances and really starts changing, the surroundings, one’s reality, ‘friends’, ‘family’ and the whole world might also become as a point of resistance, and this is actually good, because it is showing that the person indeed changing, and the world might not want her/him to change at first, will challenge that commitment, the temptation will become high to just give up and there one should honour self, because the real change is now indeed an opportunity if not giving into those temptations, excuses and justifications. Example: dopesmoker guy after struggling with it, finally decides to stop smoking for a while – his friends might keep persuading him to just smoke one more, one last time, just this one sip, come on it’s his birthday, blablabla – and even if the person would cut ties with his friends to not being exposed to temptations, that’s really not the solution, although sometimes common sense, but eventually the person has to stand regardless of others to really become the change what decided to live.

This is definitely not a short process, with some points yes, another ones might even take years and from individual through interpersonal towards global level the person has to face reality and to start changing self first, then supporting others and participate in a change which might support all beings equally.

But until that, the person is enslaved by tiresome judgements, reactions, excuses and justifications, all of a sudden resistances, inner conflicts and during that it’s impossible to even grasp of what’s happening on global level or what would actually mean to apply what’s best for all participants. Although that’s not really difficult, but first to be lived in relation to self here.

I was a boy, who was bullied, and I was also coward to approach some girls, but I’ve also blamed the government, lawyers, bankers, politicians, the system also for years, until I realized that this is the opposite of finding practical solutions, because I am looping to be busy with my own reactions projected to others, while not focusing to what I actually could take responsibility for and change within my own life.

Excuses and justifications are tiresome things, basically like lies – when I start to lie to somebody, others – I have to maintain, keep selling the lie, otherwise it might be exposed that it’s a lie, so I keep sneaking around, keep in my mind what I say, how I say, whom I said what – it’s so exhausting, like becoming an actor in a role which step by step overwhelms, consumes me and from a certain point I keep justifying that I can’t stop lying to come clean now, I have to maintain.

That’s basically the same with the inner excuses and justifications, just in relation to myself: I keep accepting and allowing to lie to myself.

And that’s extremely tiresome, exhausting, self-sabotaging and frustrating and thus exceptionally self-limiting.

I could come clean to sit down right now and tell myself: me fool, I lie to myself that I had no choice, I totally could have, I still have, but then I’d have to give up ‘this and that’, but by looking that, I would think, I would have to give up this and that too, and then ‘oh shit, then this might not be true either’ and if someone could just do this self-honesty for five minutes – to decompose self-lies – a person could change so much in attitude and self-image. And although it seems difficult, it can be seen also as a skill, like riding a bike, which requires practice. On straight line it’s easier, but when it becomes muddy and curvy, steepy and rocky, then I’d need skills to not fall.

And being in ‘first world’, where having food, internet, salary, car, drinkable water from taps, no regular drone bombing in my city – most of my excuses are so weak, that if I would start to write all them down and I could see them in front of me, I might just cry to what extent I have diminished that innocent, explosive and awesome little kid who I started life as.
Well, basically that’s Process – the realization to admit, to acknowledge and little step by step to see what can be understood for stopping participating in the web of excuses and justifications to be able to see what I can actually do, no matter how small that might seem, it could open the door within me and the world to be able to understand more, change further.

Always remember, as Bernard Poolman said, not exactly like this, but similarly:

Although Process seems like never ending, actual, real change is always one breath away.

Let’s wrap this up by reflecting back on how I still can experience tiredness and exhaustion.

At office, when facing difficult task, which I repeatedly tried unsuccessfully to solve – that feels like sucking the energy, the enthusiasm, the motivation from keep doing it, and the key there is maybe that is needed, to stop doing as I used to and try an other angle, not to be stiff and wanting to fight it, or win it by force, but to relax for a moment, let all go, expectations, judgements, emotions and to just be with it for a minute and this might support to reveal something I had not seen before, because I was busy reacting and feeling tired and then fighting tiredness.

Writing is an awesome support here – if I am able to word a problem, I already made a huge step, so that’s suggested to do regularly.
It’s also a skill, which schools do not pronounce and tutor with enough.

No matter how great or smart I can feel myself as, there is always possibility to expand in living potential. Rather to think such definitions of self as ‘I am so great’ – well, it is a self-definition, have a polarity, positive, all to do is to look where might be the negative aspect of that. Am I trying to compensate something here? Like balding guys with big muscle cars? Or dumb boys with huge muscles, insecure girls with fake boobs and bitchy clothes? It’s always obvious what’s going on with humans, but often they’ve became it so much that they can’t see.

In this sense, Process, writing, Self-forgiveness is a unique and exceptional self-support, which I’ve never found even close to it’s directness and effectiveness in this world, but there is one more thing what is required: cross-referencing.

Someone or multiple persons who are also walking this process, who have already walked the process of self-honesty to an extent to ensure that being able to support with another view, perspective on points without their own issues projected into it, or direct support from someone who have walked similar or the same point already. That’s why I honour the time to participate with desteni guys, it’s so refreshing to spend time with people who are dedicating their life to stop deception from within and to witness their change during the years.
Or reading their vlog regularly and I might read about something I have not yet seen within myself or currently facing and this could give an advantage – sharing is caring in this perspective, definitely.

Some of the desteni people I’ve met years ago and to see them today how much they changed is a living proof of what dedicated, committed and consistent walking of self-correction can mean. While some still do not get why not to forgive myself all at once, why keep repeating it, like a mantra, but its not the case actually – one has to be specific to the utmost possibility with scenarios, issues, self-dishonesties to recognize the exact pattern to be able to become one and equal with it’s creation. Until I do not understand it fully, I have no chance to change. So those who say they have forgiven themselves totally and now having an awesome life – careful with those, if they can’t show up the extensive amount of their ‘work of process’ or unwilling to – it’s maybe only in their head, so to ask/get support from those individuals might not manifest as ‘self-honest cross-referencing support’. Those, who regularly share their process, they genuinely dedicate and honour their time to walk points, they are standing through the test of time. Others, who appear from nowhere and ask to trust them should obviously not be trusted.
It’s same as with self – if I am not aware of something to it’s utmost within my mind – where this thought appeared from, why, for what, in which context – I should not trust that thought – it still can carry information – and maybe about my self-dishonesty to reflect back, but definitely not to blindly follow my thoughts and thus generated emotions, because then the ‘rabbit carries the hunter gun’ as they say around here, referring to how things are happening the exact opposite way as they should be: I should be the master of my mind, not the way around.
So – back to mental tiredness, giving up mentality, depression: It’s something what can be decomposed and supported with to fully understand how it’s been created, being maintained and to find practical ways to stop and let go and to discover what could be beyond such self-limitation.

Great start at – which is a free online course with seasoned buddy support to learn the basic components for start facing the mind, how to start accumulating understanding, commitment for actual change. And that’s quite a treasure in this world, as this is not being taught in schools and people grow up without being able to ‘own’ our own mind and not being owned by consequences, but it’s never too late to start changing, which I encourage everyone, at least try the free course, nothing to loose actually.

Thanks, enjoy, bye

Day – 289 – Breathe, like never before


Anybody can find explanations of the rewards of ‘be with and as breath here‘, to stabilize oneself from the busy life we constantly chase(or being chased by) every day.

There is this comic guy(recently in movies too), Hulk, who is constantly getting angry and when he really does, he transforms into a huge, strong, raging green monster what cannot be stopped from mass destruction all over.

I could compare myself and in fact all humans to this example of what’s happening in our minds, wherein if I am not applying the breath here, I am getting into my mind and thus more and more separating my perceived experience and expression from the physical body, presence, direct HERE-ness, from where actually reality, the others, animals, plants, the whole planet is.

Through my mind’s interpretation I am individual, separated and have my own interest to take care for, a consciousness system, which have been evolving since long-long time and has been mesmerized with knowing and understanding, which should be questioned, as not being actually true.

Through the mind’s interpretation, which is similar to science, it’s always relying to observation influenced by the observer, even if we directly participate within experiences, then often afterwards defining, judging, categorizing, labelling, conditioning, relating and systematizing, well: quite automatically.

Live and trust in and as the moment, the now and give up fear and even hope and you find deeper understanding” is a typical new age slogan, probably 3/4 of any book store has at least one spirituality shelf of these suggestions, however when an ordinary human tries to apply this simple direction; well, even that attempt will mostly ‘happen‘ through and as this mind consciousness system, based on initial judgement, desire, fear or hope, which is not beyond polarity, infested with pure self-interest.
Sounds harsh, to label ‘goodwill‘ people as of imbued with self-interest, but the equation is simple to measure facts: am I standing up to all as equal as one as life here unconditionally, or I am only investing care into selected ones by my disregard ‘in the rest’?

Let me further specify by explaining ORDINARY here by defining what is beyond that: it takes extraordinary applied amount of self-honesty to not only consider to live really free in the moment according to my interest only, but also finding and living the practical ways to take responsibility for all we can live up to.
To face each and every single judgement, desire, fear and hope one can find within self to be able to not just understand, but understand deeply and detail-specifically enough to be aware of why it’s self-delusion to exclude, to justify, to accept such a limitation, the self-dishonesty, so then it would come as practical common sense to naturally make the decision and stand to stop and change.

The importance here is the specificity and the consistency, because it’s not possible to let go or stop something within me what I am not aware of, or not aware of the details of it, the very creation and in fact re-creation of how I am responsible for this particular self-limitation.

That’s why I have found the spiritual ways as flawed, imperfect and in fact deceiving, because they all praise about the great things, but their methods are biased, infused with polarity, self-separation, or if not, then they mostly lack specificity.

There are ‘ways’, when they focus on ‘not to think’, ‘for body awareness’, or even utilizing philosophical logic to mentally overcome constructs in the mind, and I am sure there are cool ways, what can be proven to be effective and supporting, however I consider myself lucky as already found a group, courses and a community where the mind, self and creation can be studied, applied and shared within a disciplined, principled, consistent, stable and accumulative, thus measurable way within self-honesty.

Self-honesty is the compass which through I can sail through all the inner and external constructs of reality without losing direction, integrity and stability, because it can be very simple, if I commit myself to not lie to myself any more.

It does not mean it’s going to be easy, especially by considering to face all previously accepted limitations to become aware of, the consequences and the actual responsibility to take to really change.

I find this quality, skill and natural expression of common sensical self-honesty to be extraordinary if lived directly in the ‘moment’, in the flesh without the interpretations, categorizing and biased starting points from the logical, conscious mind.

It’s like I am becoming aware of my human physical body, as a living organism, made of physical substance, which is awareness, life itself and the moment I stop separating myself from ‘it’ – I am starting to explore a more direct way to live.

Yes, it’s more vulnerable as well, because I do not feel myself as separated as through the many layers of the mind, thus pain can be more direct and real, but also enjoyment and self-expression too.

And it’s not just about the body, such as one then goes to workout or to ‘know kung fu‘. It requires more than that, the full beingness, not just to disregard the mind, but to embrace it, to understand it’s limitations and to walk with and through them, by understanding who I am today and how I can have much more potential if not limiting myself with specific fears, desires.

Even if, let’s say I focus on sports, physical activities, dance, martial arts, but with the starting point of ideas, expectations, desires, fears, superimposed, inflated, infused with thoughts, feelings and emotions, energetic experiences, then although I might become skilled, more directive, agile, strong, fast and powerful – I am still not the ONE breath, but utilizing it, instead of BE with and as the body and thus this is still not AWARENESS, but only programmed consciousness.

See, consciousness is a limited system, although it’s very sophisticated, and humanity’s current ‘character’ is still identifying itself with it, that is not self-honest and neither our fullest potential. Rather it’s a manifested consequence of all the decisions, actions and perceptions we ended up with through the idea of separation, self-dishonesty and abdication of self-responsibility as collective of individuals, all as equal as one.

This means that we are unable to really see, feel and be aware of what is really here, because we are actually not HERE with our breath, with the substance as awareness directly, but we USE, SUPPRESS or CONTROL our breath, our body, our perceptions of who we think we are, but within that not realizing that the mind consciousness must be investigated, understood and have to let go.

Although it might seem as impossible to exist without thinking, without this apparent ‘gift’ of comprehending with thoughts, duality of positive and negative, the abstraction and virtual imagination, the conscious mind is very limited within it’s own design and we do not see it as we are conditioned to see through and as it, therefore the only way to debunk, expose and reveal it’s limitation is by applying self-honesty within the active research of how we actually operate on daily basis.

To be honest with myself within situations where I can directly see why I react like this, what is the reason I said that, felt this way, and to question: am I limited, am I lying to myself in order to not take responsibility for the possible best outcome within a situation to avoid consequences I perceive as unwanted?

All the thought patterns, thinking, judgement, comparison, association and vivid imagination is to justify what I experience, say and do, and no matter what, I am right. Or if not, then to explain why not.

Or to explain why not being right about why I am not right. Or whatever, it is the web of justifications and excuses by the total hypnosis of self-interest what I am being imprisoned within, compelled by the horror of fear of loss, regardless of it’s scale – from the fear of losing my ‘positive experience induced by not having pain’, or ‘fear from being homeless’ to ‘fear from losing my sanity’, ‘fear of my family would get hurt’, ‘my child would think I do not love him if I don’t do this or that’, or whatever one can identify as ‘fear losing’ or ‘fear to experience’.

For me, interestingly the fear of failure, fear of eternal fall, the fear from insanity and the fear from running out of time was mostly prominent, this might vary for everyone, but the basic construct is the same for all. Also the physical reactions, the energetic experiences, the internal or external trigger points what with we can be conditioned to automatically react. That one has to be specifically aware of, to become ‘more fast’ than the mind, to be able to breath presence and awareness before the automated reaction, what would make one to be trapped into an endless loop of ‘groundhog day’.

During self-inducing and experiencing fear, I am suppressing to BE breath, I am listening to the thought, inducing this energetic experience of anxiety, fear, which then can easily can escalate into anger, hatred – regardless of it’s target – myself or others, imaginary(religion for instance) or physically existing beings.

Interestingly, even desire can become a manifestation of fear, when for instance I am totally preoccupied, possessed by wanting something or someone, fear from losing, wherein in fact I might just fear from facing myself ‘losing’ what I defined that I would not like, because the resulting experience for me would be somewhat uncool, or my self-identification to oppose something perceived as negative is relying to my maintained relationship to the subject of my desire; therefore it’s in my interest to not to lose that subject of my desire. Many can declare this as some sort of love, but I’d rather not do that.

Many people can find themselves among so many manifested consequences what are not so good for them, for others around them, and thus can decide or being pushed to some kind of re-mediation, recovery or re-alignment, with what somehow can find a better quality of living in terms of becoming more simplified without so many fears and desires, endless rushes of thoughts and up-and down waving emotional storms. Often people has to fall, hit the ground, rock bottom hard to realize, but some also can figure it out – it does not matter on the greater scale, but on individual level, sure.
Even our mind’s self-limited pre-programmed setup is on the exact level of those manifested consequences and self-dishonesties we accepted and allowed, thus everyone should embrace that without judging or start comparing one’s own process of self-realization, because some walks slower, some might have to get more punches, but we all walk the same, so one should focus on self first, and when finding balance, stability, integrity to start sharing and dealing with external responsibilities, what definitely will appear, once one starts to grasp self-direction within effective and aware breathing.

See, breathing is not just a tool what can be applied to stabilize, calm and re-align our mind to presence, but breath is the most direct and immediate link to what it means to really live here. The art is not within equalizing the mind, but to see, feel, and experience beyond it’s limitations, which is, quite frankly: most liberating.
So it’s time to reveal, decompose and let go any definitions, judgments, comparisons, reactions in relation to breath, breathing, presence, the physical and especially expose and transcend any inferiority/superiority construct about consciousness versus physical and to be able to embrace, direct, express and live self as one here as equal with breath.

I will continue to explore about breathing as what’s better than explaining the process? Walking, sharing and living it!

In the meantime I suggest to create some minutes for self to just be, breathe and observe the mind, not to resist or fight it, but also not to get directed by it. And it’s cool if one makes notes, writes down observations, insights, because writing is really supporting if applied within self-honesty, meaning I write about myself, not the neighbor, the prime minister or the girlfriend. Those can be trigger points maybe for my experiences, reactions, but the only way to gain directive power if I work with what’s here: self.

Day 279 – Finding Courage in Change

cour1Continuing on the Self-suppression investigation-correction.

Directly bringing into the perspective the word and it’s associations: courage.

It’s courage to break through the limitation, the web of self-conviction, halo of justifications and excuses about why I should not move, express and live in regarding to the specific situation I programmed myself to suppress.

It’s courage to find out and explore what is self-honest and how to express it through and as saying and expressing, becoming and living words.

It’s courage to re-define the relationships which through I find meaning and purpose, reason and drive, logic and passion, determination and stance, motivation and direction.

It’s courage to break through the fear of making mistakes, fear of loss, fear of consequence, fear of fear itself, shortly: fear of self. Especially the unknown, which is the most scariest, because I do not know what I am going to do, feel, become, thus rendering any and all knowledge useless and directly experience who I really am in and as here without way out, no past to rely to, no future to project into, but really real, in and as the physical presence, consistently, always, unconditionally.

This is not something I desire for or want to be special with, not even I need to choose, it’s what’s practical common sense to re-align and re-birth with the physical application of the courage to take responsibility for all what is here in and as myself without self-definition, without self-limitation, no polarity.
In terms of the previous posts of suppression and conflict avoidance, the courage I commit myself to live is to not fear from testing out and expressing my speaking up towards others the things I justified not to tell;

I commit myself to not worry from losing someone or something and based on that not to tell when I see it’s the most honest and direct way to establish integrity and self-honesty within myself in regarding to someone, who I defined as one who I should not tell what I feel/see/think and within that to realize that I do not need to suppress feelings or emotions, rather than to see what is the reason, the source, the fear, the self-defined separation/polarity self-definition within and behind it and by that to let go and forgive that I have allowed and accepted this to define what to do and not to do, who I should feel and to be in order to avoid to experience that fear which I also defined that it could change me if could not stop and to realize that I lose much more if I give into this fear than when letting it go, because I am always the strongest at my weakest point, herein this condition, this mind-state, this relationship I am enslaved by in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to purify and let go definitions of what I should do or should not do according to any worry or fear of consequence, losing something or somebody, especially to lose something in my mind as relationship based on the self-interest applied as not speaking up in order to avoid conflict, avoid being opposed, avoid challenged to make my stance within my decision and within that the opportunity to being wrong and then needing to admit and correct it accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to always ensure that I stand firm in relation to my mind, my personal feelings, emotions and desires, resistances and fears and reminding myself that accumulation what brought me here, and whatever is limiting, frustrating also can and should be decomposed with further writing, opening up, self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements and action.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense to purify the word COURAGE to let go polarity and self-interest-based definitions, associations, emotional and feeling reactions in order to be able to see my relationship with this word and to be able to re-define it according to self-honesty and the principle of what is best for all participants here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it’s easy to go into the mind to overwhelm it by start thinking about the term ‘what is best for all’ and within that to come up and accept justifications and excuses why not change myself to be able to act according to that.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that by being occupied and narrowminded with the obsession of ‘wanting to have and prove and create’ courage – I am limiting myself because I only see what I want to see and the strive to live the word by a definition which is not self-honest, because it relies to external conditions, such as ‘to create/have/prove courage, I should and must do this and that’ – instead of directly live the word courage in each moment in relation to myself and existence here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve defined the word courage as something heroic, extraordinary, which requires huge amount of effort and sacrifice, diligence and discipline, which I do never have for too long, therefore allowed to twist the definition of courage based on memories, personality definitions and conditions, energetic experiences, which are in fact not really supporting me in any moment and thus it’s not real courage, only self-created delusion, thus I stop participate and let it go completely.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the courage is to live within self honesty in each moment equally, regardless of any internal or external condition and not to accept anything less that who I can be within absolute self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not seen/realized/understood that to go energetic experiences, obsessions, desires wherein I am limiting my interest to the things I want or resist is the opposite of courage, but an escape into self-delusion, thus I commit myself to stop chasing experiences and be honest of my actual and common sensical needs in order to live and expand within self-growth and awareness, responsibility.

What points I take responsibility by stopping suppression and starting to live actual courage to change and re-define living?

The tendency to get obsessed with material things, such as money, electronic gear, car, clothes and/or attraction/desire for woman/sex and also the need for being accepted, liked, supported, respected, being attracted to.

Recently I was opening up to ‘go out’ and get what I want, such as social life, partnering up, buying things and it was cool, actually took courage to step out from the suppression and simply ‘try to live’.
This is in fact quite usual human ‘occupation’, but if my starting point is of self-interest, it’s my responsibility to change it – myself.

Walking Desteni I Process course since a while really supports me to stop the doubt, the thinking, and get into action and accumulate self-trust, but it’s also equally crucial to continue walking this self-change, because I do see that I am still not 100% present, self-honest and empty, never-driven by energetic experiences, so I continue writing this blog, doing the online course and accumulate understanding and change.

Suppression is big part of the problem here, as I do suppress not only emotional reactions, but also actual needs for support, expression, care and to the point of so much accumulated energy I feel in the mind to discharge somehow, that within that state I am not really aware of what would be actual self-expression and what is complete obsession to some energetic addiction to feed.

Within these cases then the justification can come up to go into it, engage and then will see, what’s this is about and then wanting to stop once understanding that this is of self-dishonesty and all the way not realizing the fact that by the very starting point of suppression I am sabotaging my self-trust, self-integrity and self-honesty, thus until I am not standing here undefined, empty and unwaveringly present here, I should not trust any of these desires, energetic experiences as something I should follow/feed/react to.

That’s it for now, will continue on self-correction.

Day 274 – Redefining Stability

I was in a forest camping for almost a week and during this period I used my notebook to list up all the points I consider for redefining the word Stability.


To simplify this process, I’ve focused to three layers:

Body: Be aware of physical presence: inner and external physical experiences/senses

Physical environment: surrounding space-things, smell, sight, touch.

Feel the gravity for the body’s whole and it’s parts

Feel the wind touching the skin, moving clothes, hair.

Feel the muscles, if there is any tension, looseness in feet, knee, thighs, stomach, chest, spine, neck, head, arms, hands, wrest, fingers

Feel the face, muscles, gesture, tongue, jaw, cheeks, ears.

Be aware of my lower back, my spine, straighten it, pull back my shoulders, feel my chest raising, pushing my chin up and stand as I AM HERE.

Not to escape from the mind into the physical sensation, rather to realize that this is natural to allow to directly experience and be here and if the mind keeps trying to intervene, distract, interrupt or lure away from constant and consistent presence, it is not to resist, but to realize that I am the director here, and I can actually utilize the mind to see where it’s taking me and to understand why – without being the slave of the thoughts, feelings, emotions by questioning and answering to myself.

Mind: Be aware of the thoughts/feelings/emotions, if energy is present, if it’s moving, if there is any mood or tension, resistance or devotion, etc

Recognize tendencies to react, to get attracted to or resisted, such as things defined as ‘nice’ as feeling positive reaction, or ‘ugly’ as feeling negative reaction.

Recognize tendencies and actual participation within suppression. When not standing up for myself or other around me, when avoiding conflict, when going into self-judgement, shame, regret, giving up, ‘fuck it’ mentality. These accumulate and undermine stability.

Recognize and acknowledge and realize source points + actual judgment words for those trigger points. When and why do I judge specific behavior/individuals/myself? If I know better, why not sharing as living example, or it’s just pure ‘mind-knowledge’?

Re-alignment with taking self-responsibility: Self-forgiveness on each points with consequences to be aware of – decompose the patterns, remember the trigger words, release the energetic states, taking responsibility for the patterns I recognize as not supporting me, thus have to be aware of them before participating to be able to stop and re-align myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the practical solution within the trinity of application through stabilization of physical, mind and beingness awareness to support actual change within self-honesty.

Self-commitment to change self and those points to make my stand and decide that I do not accept anything less than who I really am as realizing the potential if I correct this very point I am currently facing. I am going through the resistances and unpleasant experiences, which is actually facing the manifested consequences of accumulated self-dishonesty, what must be stopped.

I commit myself to accumulate stability in and as the physical, the mind and as my beingness here by applying self-investigation, self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-corrective statements and sharing, exchanging communication.

Self-corrective statements on how actually to re-align and change on these specific triggering realization points. Re-writing the script of my personality. After decomposing the self-dishonest patterns, I can actually script myself to remain here, stable and re-define words on how to live them while not going into polarity, judgments, fear.

When and as I see that I am accepting judgments towards myself or another, I support myself with physical re-alignment by straightening my back, pushing back my shoulders and chest forward and up my chin. I am here. I stop the mind, I direct self-correction in this very moment, no matter where am I, who I am with, what I am doing.


Asking Who am I?

Who I am within and as this situation I find myself at?

Self-honesty – Process – Self-forgiveness

Principle, Purpose, Destiny:

Alignment, Unification, Amalgamation and Integration of all what is Here Equal as Self as Life. – Supports to reflect back of any resistance, reaction, energy and to word that and apply the tools until I am here without any automatic inner movement from the mind.

All with consideration of consequence and outcome of what is best for all participants.

As resisted or scary might be to find any principle to live as – maybe the memories and reactions to such principles of the past weren’t the right or ‘great enough’ – chance to reflect back to the question why to be equal with all – and why not to?

Every day is One and each Breath I take is One and these are numbered, thus to decide what I manifest as me, as Tala Joseph is relevant and assists within further stability as considering what Self I could be proud of if I would have total freedom and then also to see what with I accept myself to limit, enslave or scare and then to investigate, decompose and forgive those patterns again until I am here, freedom as absolute self-honesty here.


These are the notes I wrote and realized that it’s completely up to me of how effectively I can apply anything at my disposal to stabilize myself and sort out the delusional relationships existing within my mind, especially those, what I am not fully aware of as so many years I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within self-limitation through convictions, belief systems and the whole religion of self, meaning to not expand, grow and actually change.

Always striving, pushing, facing, fringing to see what are the limits and why and to try if I can go beyond that specific limitation if originated from me, my mind, my perception of reality.

In terms of stability, I’ve also mixed up before of not being able to accept myself of who I am, because of the extensive amount of self-judgments, which I saw, but I did not realize that I do not need to accept myself to exist within these self-limitations as I can actually change. Thus to accept who I am naturally becomes a more deep, substantial level what I can feel more directly if I dare to disregard all the judgments, definitions, comparisons, memories, polarities, preferences and interests.

Also to note that while I describe the possible physical sensations and experiences through and as my human physical body, that does not mean I always have to be ‘on the edge’ of focusing to these, but if there is no ‘input’, it can be a sign of total distraction of the mind, participating within a pattern of delusion, energetic possession, consumed by self-interest, thus make a stance and re-align with physical here and not to be identified with the mind as self, but neither to try to separate myself from it as to realize I am here is equal and one with the physical body and the layers of the mind and to birth myself as life, I have to embrace and direct, decompose and re-define all of me according to what is proven to be self-honest.

I will continue with series of investigations around the word SUPPRESSION.

I’ve been suppressing so many things, which now must be faced, understood, stopped and released.

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