Day 385 – Physical care resistances

P1020405Continuing from last post – hiccups within self-love and resistances to support myself

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the pattern of no movement without energy within myself and not developing the life-skills necessary to move without energy, the energy of the mind, the result of inner friction, judgement and polarity participation of positive and negative, based on self-interest.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that real motivation is without energy, meaning regardless if I am high/being positive or being low or negative, I keep moving, doing what I am committed to live in a consistent pace without giving into resistances or excuses or justifications.
  • I forgive myself that I have not admitted that I have been desiring for strength without also accepting self-limitations and not realizing that all my limitations within are self-made, to protect an idea of myself, and thus creating the inner friction, being split and gaining doubt, resulting in not expanding, instead of realizing the specificity of practical common sense and structuring and planning, decomposing inner complexity and building understanding of how things work in reality.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity of designing a plan, sticking to it and also finding self-respect, enjoyment and stability within progressing day by day to accumulate the results I want to see, and within that realizing that I only ‘design’ vague plans, rather being emotionally moved by desire, instead of ground to earth, sticking to physical action-kind of plan, what is simply doable step by step, such as scheduling and consideration, reality-awareness.
  • I forgive myself that I have not addressed my set of excuses and justifications I obey regularly, instead of writing down them, facing as they are, the reasoning, the ‘logic’ behind it and to understand what is the core point of this specific particular self-limitation I keep accepting and allowing.

Let’s start with a simple point: dentist.

I have at least two broken teeth, probably some more would require fixing, but as they do not hurt, I do not really care. Many experiences I had that it is horrible once this kind of pain happens and it’s like the car’s regular maintenance, service and revisioning: if one is not doing it, eventually the car just will break down, hopefully not causing accident, but still will be very uncomfortable and consequential experience.
One would anticipate and PREVENT such pain – as the fixing is inevitable, I know, I would immediately go if it would hurt – but I am bound by experience, moved by direct reactions to those direct experiences – and I can’t step beyond my current programming apparently. Thus, resulting in hoping for the pain to come as late as possible and until that enjoying the experience of not needing to think/plan/pay about it.

The reason I added the car experience, as there I am completely different – I am the one who even adds/schedules more check-ups, servicings, specifically maintaining friendly relationships with several mechanics, garages, so the car is always in good shape and just do all to prevent break-downs as this might being a little bit more expensive or time-consuming, but the result is more reliability, trust and stability.

Interestingly enough, as in my last blog also pronounced, I am pretty efficient with specific things/areas in my life, while at other areas I am the complete opposite.

It is not the first time observing care and kind of twisted way ‘love’ to be applied to others/other things by a person while neglecting oneself’s love.

And I know that I used to hate myself, kind of, and did not really like, or let’s say it: love myself, but during the last ten years, what I do and walk with Self-forgiveness, it is actually love, or at least figuring out the practicality of it.
The general approach is obvious, yet the specific aspects I mention are now clearly avoiding the care and love towards myself.

Not that this would be some fatal error one can’t correct, yet it is more direct and accumulative to measure when writing about it regularly, here in this blog.

That’s why I’ve created a to-do list some days ago, to start practising the most resisted areas of my life in regards to start caring and loving.

The money point is irrelevant, not as I would not afford a dentist, a doctor or buy a gym membership – and I know, many can’t, but I can at the moment.

This is the first to mark to never get into again thus, because it’s a weak excuse.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not going to dentist to fix my teeth, a doctor to check on my health, to pay for gym for exercising/swimming/sauna, because of lacking money, as in fact in each month my salary provides sufficient amount to support for these points, yet when about to choose to do so, I say it’s because of money – and in fact it is not, thus
    I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see within myself, to open up to myself, to communicate with myself about what is the reason I justify with money, while in fact there is something else I do not support myself with proper care of my physical body, and within that rather making myself believe that it’s because of money, while in fact it is because of the self-definition I hold onto of who I supposed to be in order to perceive myself as ‘good’, meanwhile obviously biased and self-dishonest.
  • I commit myself to STOP participating within financial excuses thoughts when about to support my physical body in general, but specifically about dentist, doctor and gym/swimming and anything about health within the practical, reality-awareness consideration.
  • When and as I think about dentist and thinking about ‘oh no, so much money’ – I stop and breathe, take a moment to clear this whole pattern of excuse and to realize – I can direct my budget as I want, and if I do not do it for supporting these things about self-care on physical level, it is because something else I do not want to admit or face, so I DO NOT GO into the money excuse point anymore and look further.

A list:

  • Dentist – uncomfortable, painful, expensive, takes many times to fix all issues
  • Doctor – too much time, can result in surprises such as further checks or treatment
  • Gym – judging gym-goers as selfish and vain, too fancy and time-consuming, never been, unknown

In general – time is also a factor, whereas to realize – how can I measure the time-wasting I regularly do – well not literally wasting time, for instance with entertainment, watching a TV-show, but sometimes yes, when watching funny and crazy videos on youtube for about ten-fifteen minutes a day.
Time is a topic for another day, just making marks on this here.

I can see patterns of resistances moving towards of those 3 topics. They are just examples of neglected self-care, but as seeing into those quite much already, they are excellent subjects of walking through those resistances while decomposing inner patterns, forgiving and changing in real time and exploring what is beyond these limitations in actual living.

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Day 357 – Projection to forgive

IMG_9567Still walking relationship-projection decomposition and preparation to live the change.

  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not being aware of being insecure about fear of losing relationship, projecting out values, qualities and experiences towards someone and getting attached to the feelings and not realizing that I am not being honest with myself by not realizing that I accept being submissive and insecure in relation to the relationship itself and giving into the fear of losing it.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into fear of loss and thus paranoia of focusing to imagining and looking for signs of compromises and so self-defined: dangers to the relationship and assuming the worst within interpreting reality and not considering that I use this mechanism to overreact in order to protect my investment, not to lose what I value, here the relationship and not realizing that what I interpret and what I project out is not real.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that projection means fear, wherein I don’t face what is within, but acting like it’s someone else’s fault and responsibility, meanwhile I am the one who projects the original issue out, and not realizing the nature of it, as it’s just a mirage, a projection, not real, but if I believe so, then I automatically exist within my mind in conflict with reality.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense to stop for a moment when I have experience conflict within myself, a friction, an energetic reaction, an emotional wave and to realize that I need to slow down and breathe, let all go what’s within my mind and come back to reality and take responsibility for what I experience and actually can – and should do.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the tendency to project out the things I can’t deal with, I am unaware of, I defined as not my responsibility, not me, who has to solve, change, and within that not seeing the disempowerment, because I experience something, I accept myself to exist in a way – feel and be – yet I define that something or someone else is doing this, meanwhile not wanting to understand/see and realize that I am doing it all, and not only I can understand how I am doing this, but also I should take responsibility directly and immediately to stop projecting.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within accepting projection I also do not communicate, do not ask, do not clarify of what I assume is relevant and/or real, because I do not want to admit that I fear from being true what I fear from and within that not realizing that I fear from fear, thus I am lost within my mind, thus, I need to slow down, stop and re-align within breath and word the points to specify what I am dealing with in order to see the self-dishonesty as a pattern objectively.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have been programmed, accepted myself to resonantly tuned to have a starting point for relationship and partnership with thoughts, emotions and feelings and based on those to form and shape my experiences and behavior, spoken words and actions and not realizing that this is a compromise, a self-dishonesty, because these are related to polarity-based self-interest and fear – rather to see the common sense to commit myself to live the principle of life as equality and oneness, meaning to not be influenced, changed and controlled by circumstances, energetic experiences, but to be able to consistently realize, consider and apply what’s best for all participants equally.
  • I forgive myself that I have not admitted that the energetic experience of ‘falling in love’ feels like a drug, an energetic high, which seems to uplift all the negative pointers/parameters/aspects within my life by focusing to the previous, current or next positive energetic experience, meanwhile not realizing that the source of that positivity is also being fed by not needing to/ignoring/suppressing all the other points I defined as negative.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself, and within that not facing the fact that within re-creating energetic experiences within myself I am avoiding facing reality here, I am escaping to the past, I fear from change, making mistakes and causing irreversible consequences – and within that not realizing that I can stop for a moment and consider what’s real, what I can actually do to prevent things what are not supportive and trust myself to do the best possible by actually doing so.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within projection I rely to the past, wherein there was an event, an experience what I have defined bad and wanting to avoid it now, and by looking back, what were the conditions, circumstances, I define that ‘if this and this, then that and that will happen’ and trying to generalize, automatize in order to ensure preventing what I defined as bad and avoidable and within this all not realizing that nothing is always exactly the same and if I rely to these rules, self-definitions, then I do not allow to trust myself here, in the moment, within full presence.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I try to communicate or bring up the point of my worry or subject of my projection to the other and does not seem to work, the actual communication does not happen, then I allow the temptation to give up and fall back into judgements, projection, fear, and not committing myself to not give up and keep finding effective and supportive ways to communicate and solve conflicts, even if it only exists within me.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that getting attached to something within my mind means that I give into the fear of loss, which leads to anger and suffering and instead of trying to own or have source of experiences, to see as gift and support and if it’s time to let it go then to trust and honor myself and the other to remain respectful for open and honest communication and agreement of practically living the principle of ‘Give as I would like to receive’.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within insecurity, fear and worry, because believing that this energetic state helps to cope and fight for what I do not want to lose and not realizing that this experience is not supportive, not enjoyable and definitely not productive in terms of finding the best practical way to prevent things I do not wish to happen.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to not develop practical skills and direct awareness to immediately become aware when I am going into worry, fear and insecurity, not learning to see the signs of doubt within my self-mind and body awareness, thus PREVENT going into patterns triggered by insecurity, such as energy rush, need for more energy, feeling tired, exhausted, lack of discipline, temptations to distractions, wanting to rest, sleep, be entertained, stimulated, sweets, etc and within those patterns, also not being aware that when these ‘kick in’ all of a sudden, to slow down within, to even stop what I do for a moment to check – whether am I acting out based on worry/fear/insecurity and thus to automatically prevent feeling low/bad/down/blue, to cheer me up, to feel good/up/high, and meanwhile timelooping and what not realizing that I avoid facing a problem, a self-limitation.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever judge others, meaning to define how they are based on polarity, based on ‘in relation to me or to my interest or my experiences/wisdom/memory/realizations/whatever’ and giving into the temptation of righteousness and not realizing the projection I fall into and not realizing that my original judgement is projected out to other, because I distract/I hide/I suppress to face the point of responsibility about that point and thus trying to say – I am victim, I am not responsible, but within this not realizing the powerlessness I give into thus not being able to direct change, apply solution.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I use projection to protect my perceived investment of belief and self-definition in order to prevent something I fear from happening, and within that not realizing that I am not dealing with reality, I am focusing to others, their point, their mistakes, their self-dishonesty, while I am allowing to roam free within my already existing self-dishonesty, and within that not seeing the point and common sense to ask what’s my original problem in this, what’s the source of my fear/worry/insecurity/doubt to start finding solution.
  • When and as I see that I am defining someone to be this or that, repulsive, sulky or reprimanding, child-like or foolish, worrysome or fearful – I stop, I breathe, I become aware of my physical presence, my body, gravity, the overall feel of me here, the air, the temperature, the clothes on me, the surroundings for a moment of reference and support to bring myself here, without defining it, without focusing to that, but to see who I am within this moment, how I feel, what is the fear I give into to answer myself the honesty I am being tempted to slip away from with projection.
  • When and as I feel that someone is this or that with me, doing this or that to me and I start to relate to the person according to these definitions, projections, I stop and check – is it really fact, not just I am projecting based on past memory reference, to avoid something to re-occur, because I do not like that outcome, so I try to use the past, that ‘when this was like this, that happened, and now the situation is similar, and then the person seemed to be this and that, so now probably the situation is similar, so I must react somehow to prevent the same to happen’ – and within that not realizing that I act upon fear, I give into fear, I start reality to be interacted with by fear, instead of take a breath, look at the situation and apply common sense. This does not mean I should never learn from the past, but if there is this emotional fear first, the solar plexus energy flow, this convolution around stomach, this tension within limbs, the breath becoming superficial, losing presence, direction from within without any emotion, then I need to check is there any fear I give into, because fear-related categorizing, patterning, judging is highly tainted with delusion, projection, self-dishonesty, thus I stop myself doing so.
  • When and as I am within a situation wherein I am in relation to something or someone and I think or feel that the other’s fault is something, or the other is screwing up, doing something to me and based on that I start to feel and experience something, I realize, I am projecting, based on worry and fear, fear of loss, thus I stop and let go the fear and to see what is my responsibility here, what I should do, what I can do to solve, what shall I or need to clarify or communicate with myself and/or the other person.
  • When and as I am uncertan and worried about something and it’s related to someone, instead of assuming, imagining, worrying from an outcome/consequence/manifestation/happening, I consider that is it really relevant, actual and real, and if it seems to be, while I ensure that I am not under influence of emotional turmoil, fear and conflict, then I approach the related, involved person and I communicate, ask directly without fear, and ‘coming out’ that I interpret signs like this and that, and ask that what the other sees, perceives, stands for – instead of allowing to fall into my mind and combine and process, rather find out what’s real and then act accordingly.
  • When and as I approach someone to clarify and ask about something what bothers me, or seems relevant within practical living or communication and after one or more attempts to communicate it does not happen or can’t clarify what is relevant to do so, then I remain calm and directive, consider if can I find a better/another approach to share or reach the other and being able to create effective communication as realizing – if I give it up, I will end up just like if I did not even try to communicate, except I would also judge this attempt as excuse that ‘I tried’ – and thus realizing that it’s not about trying, but getting through, done and sort out perceived or real conflicts to be able to move on and expand.
  • When and as I can’t communicate, share or agree about something with someone about a point what bothers me or I am uncertain of, I do not get emotional, fed up or become frustrated and angry, worried or anxious, but I remain present, directive and consider if there is opportunity to find an another way, tonality, word selection, method or strategy to try to communicate and to realize – when or where is the point of realizing that this does not seem to work and stop trying and if there is such, still not use it to justify for any projection or fear, but to realize – the other might have their own process to walk and it might not be personal on how handles me and certainly this should not be a reason to justify becoming reactive and blaming.
  • I commit myself to stop projecting thoughts, feelings, emotions to others and to take it all back to self and to realize and live my responsibility and thus being able to practically see what I can do to solve or prevent conflict or difficulties/obstacles ahead.
  • I commit myself to become aware of all patterns, trigger points, situations and conditions, mind-states and definitions, events, memories and scenarios wherein I can fall into projection and fear, judgement and blame and to be able to realize within each and every single of these occurrences that the best practical solution here is the PREVENTION and thus not go into projection and blame, emotional states and fear of loss, but to realize that within reality all that exists is facts and actions, and thus I should keep focusing to these.
  • I commit myself to forgive all the self-acceptances and self-delusions about what I should fear from losing and thus justifying the worry to exist within by believing that this fear helps to prevent happening what I fear from manifesting, and not realizing that this actually a distraction and a self-defeatism wherein I use worry and fear to cope with the self-accepted self-disempowerment to not dare to do something new or radical to break the loop of self-dishonesty, and thus within this realization to push myself each time to stop and re-align when I experience or notice, feel or participate within fear of loss.
  • I commit myself to embrace and stop fear of loss by realizing and specifying all my fears in general and actual form, thus practically approaching to decide of which is unrealistic and thus to be released and stopped, and which relates to something I actually can prevent happening.
  • I commit myself to become aware of my human physical body to the more intimate, direct and profound awareness of it’s physical existence, meaning how it feels, positions, moves and lives within this reality, as with air, gravity, breathing, interaction, location, space and all the physical factors and if I am not aware of wherein and what I do, then I need to re-align to be able to, because there is a point I am falling into in an impractical and not-solution-oriented way, thus I stop and re-align with breath.
  • I commit myself to expose all my fears and thus I can practically know myself and be able to see what fear is what, why I accept it, how much it’s real in terms of actual reality and to be able to let go fear and focus to what I can do to solve problems and trust myself.
  • I commit myself to stop fearing from ‘shit happening’, wherein beyond my power, simply something what is not supportive to me or others around me happens and not to blame myself or other, because it might just happened and thus I need to accept it and stop blaming myself and rather ask if I could do something to prevent unsupportive consequences to manifest and if so, then to commit myself to do so next time, and if there is nothing I could have done, then to consider what it would take to be able to or to simply accept and let it go, such as weather or random events/accidents/luck-unluck.
  • I commit myself to stop defining partner and relationship according to my past and start focusing to get to know the person and the relationship in real time with self-trust within consideration of all participants equally and physical awareness as well.

 

Day 343 – Sadness and blame – Self-forgiveness

IMG_3488Continuing with the realizations and self-correction of my process of suppression, emotional outburst, followed with sadness and loss experience.

For context, this is my last post, where started to open up my emotional and blaming fear.

These Self-forgiveness sentences are what I wrote first – notice that in overall the point I apply self-forgiveness to is my experiences, how I feel, and still blaming the other in somewhat hidden way to justify how I feel:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad, confused, anxious and somewhat traumatized as she rejected and left me, removed my contact from social networks and basically burned up all bridges to even reconnect. (was not true, but I felt like in that time)
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid to put out so much trust, work, hope and expectation to the future with a person who with we had great experiences and plans, but in reality it turned out to be not lasting, and I see the tendency to go into self-judgement and doubt and not realizing that it’s not only myself who is responsible for what is happening, but both of us and I have no influence, power, or even actual understanding of what the other thought, felt as was not mutual sharing since quite some time.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect the other to open up and communicate with me within my belief that it’s also her commitment that solve any conflict or misunderstanding within herself and ourselves as well, and within seeing the lack of it myself to become very direct and not considering that I stopped sharing gentleness and kindness, because of feeling hurt and fear of loss.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the solution, simplicity and common sense to want to process, solve, remove and transcend, while in fact there is initiative and opportunity to MOVE and DIRECT, EXPRESS and LIVE, and wanting to wallow into experiences and then wanting to clean myself up instead of just – not going “there”, but to start doing something which is here in my direct reality, meanwhile if I am distracted or not present, I apply self-forgiveness and self-corrective statement, self-commitment to come back here and let go the strive to go into conflict and judgement again and again and again, which is fear of letting go, even the fear itself.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself today as I had a laugh within which I was forgetting what happened, happens with me and then saying to myself ‘well, I should not feel good, horrible things just happened, so let’s just go back to be sad’ – and within that not realizing the self-abuse and self-punishment.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I got obsessive with reading my emails I send to the other to clarify or try to open up and communicate about points I saw as relevant to discuss about, while the other as communicated, ‘got shocked’ and completely shut down and decided to immediately end any contact with me, which then shocked me as well.

Writing already supported – to slow down, to not only decide but actually do start to forgive and correct myself, thus it’s really important to do it as soon as possible, instead of just fall into storms of emotions, which eventually everyone will realize – kind of waste of time and totally uncool experience. So when I wrote this, I was able to see that this is just the surface and going to continue with (for)-giving myself the understanding to see it more clearly and to realize of what could have done better.

I literally give for myself the opportunity to own all of my past, present and future.

And I move from what I did towards why I did:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt within the other not wanting to communicate with actual calls, but only with texting while I kept missing and longing for actual voice calls, and even when asked for it the other refused to do so and especially feeling hurt in the fact that after all of what we went through together, she did not even bother to tell me in call, just writing me good bye letter without asking or clarifying further. And within all of this focusing only to my feelings, not considering how she could have felt or experienced within this and also not considering that probably it’s the best she sees she can do now and I should respect it, understand it as if I would be in her place and would want to just end it all, then this was very effective.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak up or directly communicate when I already noticed the change within the nature of our communication and I thought that maybe I overreact, maybe it’s just me missing out, being lonely, while all I did was suppressing the point, not communicating, not purifying from within as well, so now cannot be known if it was relevant, practical or fear-related consideration.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel misunderstood and hurt when the other states that she thinks that I am within this relationship for profit and benefit plus advantages and within that realizing that what she perceives of me is completely different from how I experience or perceive, and within that trying to share my starting point to ensure that the other understands it, to be able to let go this fear but within that taking her worry personally and wanting to speak spicy or emotionally charged.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I had, experienced or hoped for was ‘true and real love’ – meanwhile not realizing that it was my hope and desire and I wanted to see it within the thing I was participating in my mind and when I felt it did burst as a bubble with the ‘good bye email’ – I experienced confusion and sadness, as seeing my bubble burst and to see what’s real behind it – myself with my hope and fear of loss – and focusing to the loss of what was not real – as I could have instead of seeing what is here, and still remains real within this all: the movement, the expansion, and still the possibility to step up, own and correct it and also the dedication and mistakes, the missed opportunities, to keep learning, changing and growing.

Next day I was writing again, starting with overall experiences and then right into self-forgiveness.

Also possible to expand towards understanding the other participant’s view, experiences, motivation, action with Self-forgiveness.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to look to the other person’s view, who might saw this as too heavy drama, blame and expectation, to be too busy and demanding, emotional and untrustworthy, and within that not realizing that the things I write indeed indicated that I am disappointed, frustrated and uncertain, meanwhile in fact wanted to communicate that this is what I am currently working through and it might not have to be shared but within that to see the hope I try to rely to, of ‘what if’ I could have not sent that email, then all would be fine, and not realizing that the very existence of that email was actual consequence of all not being fine in the first place.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope and fight for get back what I feel losing, and not letting it go unconditionally and focus to what is in front of me, here in this moment, today.
  • I breathe, I apply self-forgiveness and I expand, I grow and focus on releasing this emotional charge from my human physical body and with that also to practically learn and become able to let this go and focus to what’s here, what’s next and not go into desire, hope, sadness or fear and whenever would go – to realize it was the other persons’ decision, thus I trust that it is the best for her which indeed, in fact always was, and will be a priority to respect and support.

On the upcoming day I was able to more and more focus to the sadness experience with prevention and correction, and started to anchor myself further back here with the support of previously ‘walked’ realizations.

  • I commit myself to stop blaming, I commit myself to stop feeling sad, I commit myself to stop judging myself for what I have done or have not done and I commit myself to focus to what’s ahead, here, next, present.
  • I commit myself to make effort understand the other part’s motivation, experience and understanding.
  • I commit myself to anchor myself into and as physical presence with clear and effective, self-directed and practical mind.
  • I commit myself to communicate with gentleness and the way I would like to be communicated to.
  • I commit myself to recognize the effect of acting based on fear as manifesting it, thus to stop participate within any fear and to stop, forgive, write it down, remember it and recognize the trigger points, the existing self-dishonest relationships with specific words within my mind to be aware of, work with and be able to disengage, release.

These were just samples of the actual written Self-forgiveness, as some are personal points, and some are kind of repetitive, but further specification of the personal points to understand further and more precisely.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to ask the question what I am missing here, why I am surprised, what I can do to solve this in the way I really want – which is to correct myself, let go emotions and fear and focus to what can be done to make the other become aware that I made mistake which I am really correcting and thus offering her to re-consider her decision about our communication and relationship.

Eventually I was able to write a letter to the person wherein I take responsibility for all I did and what I have done wrong and why from my perspective, how should I have done and also to express my gratitude and respect for all we shared and grew together.

The other person recognized the process I have walked, also opened up additional points to share with me about the whole topic we ‘danced around’ and she also explained that there are things what better to keep to self as maybe it’s temporally, yet the pain what can cause with sharing would remain.

Very wise. Indeed, really learned the lesson and committing myself not do do this again – with anyone: to put out my doubt, worry, fear as emotional storm. My responsibility to clarify within self first, then to see what’s supportive and how to share that. So.
Also possible, if both parties are agreeing to – by recognizing – ‘hey, this and that is emerging, we should clarify things – in respective sharing and motivation’. Big difference, which I did not apply as I focused to my experiences of reacting to what I got back as feedback, and within that – I saw my fear within and I got afraid even further when seeing exactly the one thing happening, what I was afraid of – not by coincidence, but my ‘attitude’. Important to realize – when things seem dire and totally uncool – I might see my fear projected out and still there are things to do, or at least to try – instead of stopping to move, express, share and live – to just storm emotions within until they take over and I sit onto the blame-train to just rush, wherever it’s rails would lead me to.

On the next day I continued to open up sadness – and the overwhelming experience of it –  as it was kind of a fear of loss, a give up – not real give up – just a momentary emotion took over and until the energy lasted, I was trying to cope with the loss I perceived – but all was not real – and had to realize that sadness is OK for a moment, if it’s an expression, a living direction – but as an experience, an emotion, a mood – it’s just self-dishonesty.

What is ‘dangerous’ here is that within that fearful experience – I perceive that it is real, and based on that I react and act – and thus I solidify my relationship with a perception, which might not be real, but the more I participate within this pattern, the more it actually becomes. This is a key to each human to recognize about fear. I manifest my worst fear if I give into it.

It is Self-manipulation and Self-sabotage. Thus to forgive this too is common sense:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that if I allow sadness, as an emotion, a mood to cloud me – it’s not self-expression, it’s not self-direction, self-movement, but it’s a give up, a doubt, a failure due to fear experience, due to self-judgement, which is self-dishonest, and instead of investing into reactions, emotions, rather to still look to what I can do to correct my mistakes or if not, then to ensure how never to make them again and to move on.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that sadness and loss experience is a form of giving up, accepting what I perceive as final, because in a pattern of reality, I see my fear to manifest and I react to my fear, superimposed to facts, thus I cannot see what’s here, and within that give up – I give into the opposite of my utmost potential, justified with the perception of already seeing what can happen as worst, and not looking to see options to change the outcome, and within that not asking why not.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give up and become sad about it, and not being honest about it with myself that I am actually sad, because I give up and I am powerless about giving up, and feeling the thing I fear losing as lost, meanwhile it’s only lost within my perception of inflated fear in my mind, and in this sense, I give up what’s real to manifest my fear.
  • I forgive myself hat I have not realized that if I react with sadness – it means I am giving into the self-acceptance of powerlessness, thus it’s an indication of self-dishonesty and the need to step back and re-align with absolute self-honesty to see: it’s not about the other person, but about my giving up and trying to do it as I don’t know about it but if I really slow down within and look at it – I can discover, understand that all I experience, feel, react to and do or don’t do – all: I do, myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the same way as I give into give up and sadness, I also can direct myself to stop lye to myself and start becoming honest, no matter how brutal it might feel, but the first step is to align with reality and facts, and all the pain and reaction of suffering I go through meanwhile – is the realization of how much I took refugee within delusions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have blamed the other, projected doubt and fear to other, meanwhile with my sadness and un-named giving up experience, I was, who went into doubt and used the other’s behavior to justify this and feed into my fear, so then I can keep fearing to lose what is important.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within my decision to stand, to do, to act – is only myself and whatever and whenever I experience any emotional reaction – is all my responsibility – noone can make me disappointed, but myself, and within this to realize that I am not aware of how I am actually responsible for each and every single inner reaction and outer action I experience, participate within or express.

I can do whatever I want, but if I lie to myself – my whole life becomes a lie – everyone can have relationship with anyone, but if they lie to themselves in any way whatsoever meanwhile, that’s their responsibility – with themselves first – as then that is manifested in relation not only self but to the other as well, and then to blame is easy, but hurtful and actually not fair as all starts and stops with self.

Also the ‘I do whatever I want just never to lie to myself‘ – might sound like some Ayn Rand type of egoistic individualist rant – but in fact not, as if I am really-really honest with myself – I can’t lie about the fact of if I do bad things to others, then it’s in overall bad – which by I mean that I would not like to be done to myself for instance and as we are living in a closed system, everything goes around and only the uneducated minds do not realize that. So yes, I can do whatever I want, but also considering others as me as equals – otherwise I am not honest, but on a fake mind-trip. Equals, in the sense of walking same process, just with different situations, points, advantages, disadvantages, but the same type of Self-honesty we all face and should live.

That’s why everyone should be absolutely and very specific about to be honest with self all the time! That’s much more difficult than it sounds due to the preconditioning and imprinting of spoiled civilization norms and the accumulated consequence of endless times existing within self-dishonesty.

In a way, that’s why Process comes first – how would I want to love anyone until I can’t understand and live love to the person, who is always here: myself. I can ‘practise’ – ‘study’, ‘test’ and ‘learn’ how to understand and support this person, who is always here – with me: myself. Relationship with self – sounds weird at first – but if we look at it – everyone already has relationship with their mind, body for instance.

If I direct every movement, every word, if I write, keep diary/blog, to decompose mind-patterns and to decide what is supportive, what is not, what to expand with, what to stop: That’s practical love. Loving self is not ego, neither selfishness – those who are full of ego or ‘themselves’ – they are not really loving themselves, they are lost in the echo chamber of their mind, resulting with losing real connection, real empathy, real response-ability with others – that is not love, that is just evolution of the mind with the starting point of fear.

So, when being in relationship with someone – in a way – does not matter what type of relationship – to take responsibility for myself, to be able to stand – first – and then to share and care what’s relevant – thus literally expand myself with the same principles – well, technically, there is no separation then – as just self-expansion within living this practical, real, grounded, ‘physical’ love.

Physical, meaning cross-referenced with facts, actual, in this world, system-support. Not meant physical love as sex – although that also can be part of it, but in a very specific type of relationship. Just mentioning this not to be misunderstood of the phrase ‘physical love’.
It means practical, grounded, reliable, stable and clear – just like the matter around us, or our body, the breath – in relation to the mind – this is good start to cross-reference to assist and support with self-directing letting go delusions, fears, convictions, beliefs.

Taking out the garbage, dishwashing, cleaning the toilet, or taking initiative on something around the living area, house and own the responsibility reliably, to get problems or things to do from the other and solve it by myself, to remain consistent, to not get moody, to be able to listen and notice small things – these are just examples on what one can find about physical love – action on earth, what matters.

When one does not get immediate emotional energetic stimulation reward for things to do, those things are what can be de-prioritized, judged as inferior, mundane, not enjoyable – but its not true. Its all in my head and I can re-align perception to whats really best for all participants – in the house, family, etc. It’s the actual details one has to go into to find out what practical love could really mean, not the emotional love drama as in the movies. In the movies they don’t even go to toilet(or if they do, get killed probably in a morbidly strange way) —  its not real 🙂 , but what I do today, here is.

See – it’s tough – maybe just for me, maybe for others too – to engage on decomposing and re-defining the word love, especially as I have quite some years already with experiences, mistakes, falls, stand ups, memories, of some I have already walked with Self-forgiveness to change in relation to – and towards some: not yet and definitely going to – directly or just would come up in relation to some situation.

After all, I was able to apologize to the other person for my doubt, my fear, my worry and wanting attention and clarification, guarantee and to cling onto feelings and energies and to stick to practical living – it always depends on the type of relationship people are within, and in this situation: what we agreed on, what we meant by that, how we felt about it, what did we share about it and what we actually did.

Also important point – did she acted the best way possible? Could she also have extended to ‘save’ this? Certainly. It was up to her and was overwhelmed with extremely important things thus in that moment decided not to. It’s ok. This process here is about what I can take responsibility for and as I go along the way – I trust myself on what I accept and allow within my relationship – with myself – and other too. And in this sense, it’s my decision if I am still ok with her stepping out from this. I mean, if would be no mutual support and commitment and real action towards solutions and growth, then I’d obviously re-evaluate my commitment. Just sharing this point to others about when if someone would face a relationship what does not seem supportive at all and not everyone stands on the same side so to speak.

But here with this person I reacted and worried about, we do stand on the same side, and had to learn about expanding communication and self-responsibility this way.

It’s quite a difference from what I wrote first, what caused the ‘stirring in the water’ – and if I could have started like this, would have been such difference.

As I saw a potential of an outcome and I judged it and felt bad about it and focused to that option, what I did not like – and thus feeding it – instead of to see what I can do, to change the outcome with fall into reactions and stop moving.

But to be able not to react – often one has to forgive the already self-accepted patterns and automatic behaviour of being reactive – and for being able to change/stop that – one must understand it’s details to the utmost specificity. Not some magic mantra, if someone says it a million times, as believing that it would help with some vibration of universal love – that’s pretty much the definition of delusion. What I mean is to exactly be able to describe everything happened within self and in reality with words – to see the whole scenario as clear as possible – understanding motives, reasons, starting points and context – and thus to see what’s the source, the origin – and what was the trigger point. When next time would come, I see BEFORE activates, thus I can PREVENT my nasty, worried, emotional self to act out. This is a skill, can be learned and be effective with it, just like with riding a bike or learning language. It’s very specific and tedious process, but it works, no doubt. Worthy of every moment to spend time with, I guarantee.

This is – after – some time passed – my ‘new’ Self-forgiveness point to be added to the topic, what I have realized about it since then:

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I got stuck in a pattern, which I defined as something predictable, safe and hopeful, and when the pattern did not play anymore, I got worried, that this means – CHANGE means – bad as it leads to unknown, which is scary as within the darkness of unknown, I fear that the worst I can imagine would wait for me, thus not only hesitating to step into, but also fearing to acknowledge it, and triggering a frustration and sadness and not realizing I literally got afraid of my own mind-shadow, which made me try to run away while blaming the other.

– quite interesting.

Self-forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts any human can ever apply, as it can be directed to various types, forms and shapes of problems to understand more, to become more responsible and effective by becoming aware of the points one faces with the starting point of self-honesty and focus to practical understanding and self-directed change.

Any frustration, limitation, conflict or fear surfaces within me – I apply self-forgiveness to give the opportunity for myself to understand this point, to be able to cross-reference the factors and to see what’s real, relevant and supportive. And from that point of view – what I feel or being convinced about – should be re-evaluated with fully available information and understanding.

I will continue on an other point I have realized about being non-reactive and what I mean by that in a self-honest way and keep expanding on the realizations and self-forgiveness(to further specify and correct of what I wrote here) to support myself to keep walking from self-interest, fear and delusion to practical and living love.

Until that – consider this free online course if you have not yet walked it – can really support to understand human consciousness, yourself and others more:

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 288 – Presence exploration share

This is rather an experimental approach on sharing, maybe too personal, but I find these mini-sessions ‘with me’ supportive.

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I find myself here.

I have a direction, but not too obsessive, but kind of enthusiastic. I have a focus here, feeling, hearing the breath, but not becoming preoccupied with it’s sensation.
I feel the gravity, the points of my body being supported by the chair I am sitting within, my sole too, but it’s balanced out with my straightening effort to keep me vertical.

I merely observe this phenomenon that I am here, no tiredness, no worry, no desire in particular, the only thing what I see within is this silent initiation from which I express, move out here directly.

I still feel that there are layers behind of this dark point my expression emerges from, as I can sense some conscious participation in the mind, but at this moment it’s all right. I am not here to judge, but explore, embrace and discover.

What reaction I can already expose is this weird sensation, faithful conviction of that this presence, moment, expression and experience is significant and fragile.

Sometimes I just find myself totally dropping all my personality and be within this presence. It’s shy, humble and light, but accumulates each time surfacing into ever greater self-trust and physical direction.

This used to be quite scary, dreadful, horrifying experience, back there, when I was experimenting with the no judgement, and used to take massive amount of psychedelics to suppress my ability to judge and define, but after a while I also had to realize that this also suppressed my deepening of understanding of actual self-sabotage required to take initiative to stop and change the actual self-suppression I’ve defined myself to be who I am.

I am ready to die, am I? I am letting go everything I have, I did, said, felt and experienced. I do not need anything.

Yes, but…

No. I am here.

I do even stop from time to time within writing this as finding proper English words. Why do I write in this language, in my first language, I would be much more fluid, effective. but I want more people to be able to possibly reach. It’s alright for now.

There was a slight moment of reaction of what if I stop, I lose the momentum, the presence, the gentle yet firm direction of me being here, with basically no chance to be distracted from this self-respect, and by that I could just go into this inner mini-battle of taking myself apart with cold thinking of ‘if I worry of losing it, then I already lost it, never even had’.

And I recognize the pattern, I stop, and I re-align.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to doubt myself, to not name, word the origin, the relationship of this doubt, but reacting to it, following it and giving up presence and direction without actually considering what would be the solution for this fear to dissolve, stop, remove and transcend.

I do even say this aloud to feel the words, to speak, to be the words and be the sounding of this expression. Within sounding it, I see that the sentence required one more word, so adding it. Then I say it aloud again. I feel that there is energetic movement within my body, I say it again and focusing to this energy, to what word it originates from and why…

Yes I see it now, the specificity. I need to be more specific, like also to see the tendency where my reaction would take me, want to specify to also see and be able to mark with another self-forgiveness, to be absolutely sure that I am aware of not just the trigger point, but also the pattern of this and it’s consequence, so then I can ensure that next time I recognize that it’s in fact best to avoid this pattern.

This can go on for a while, there are hundreds of patterns within the mind, intertwined, interconnected and interdependent with many more and I have to be able to sail through with sane, present and directive self-movement without being washed away from what I face, discover.

Writing is great, I always can stop and take a breath, feel it, the physical, the gravity, the senses and when I am ‘solid’ again, I continue, write more.

This is magic, alchemy at it’s best as the limit is only on me, because with writing I can not only understand but also change my own nature of who I am today. Step by step, word by word.

That’s why these Journey to Life blogs, for several years, many of us committed to write, share and walk the realizations into actual, physical change.

Feeling the throbbing of the blood in my palms when I stop, allowing the body to breathe, and I am in and as this breath.

I acknowledge the gift I give for myself to be with me in this moment and to see what is here, what’s up, what’s going on.

I look for tiredness, exhaustion, heaviness in the body and at the moment I do not feel it. I am free from it, so I look, where this ‘expected heaviness’ is coming from and I see memories coming up when I feel my palms being exhausted, tired of all the things I’ve done with it, when I was doing things I did not want to, but felt compelled, when I had stress and did not relax it for hours and days, and I feel in the muscles that it’s there, but at the same time not today, so I continue exploring.

I check my chest, what is causing me to sometimes feel this acidic experience, coming up from my stomach and it’s judgements and stress. That can cause to feel this out of balance experience and feeling like my body is burning, it should have this PH negative ‘force’ from somehow to balance out this energy, what influences me, pushes me, and it’s of fear, I see, when I worry of not being able to see how I am going to do what I would like, when I feel confined by the things I created in my life, then I can have this self-burning, self-eating, suppressing self-judgement energetic experience. But also, not today.

I do not feel the chest heaviness, it feels like there is this specific point where it would be a strong pressure point and I would feel like I am breathing through that narrow point, almost like I have to force my breath to have a ‘full breath’ experience and even sometimes feeling like the breath is stuck in my chest, so I have to ‘practice’ and ‘loosen up’ to be able to breath one good ‘sigh’.

This is also a memory, as I am breathing normally, yet I see this signature in my breath, it’s something I have to work actively on seeing all the patterns, dimensions and memories, word relationships, external situations and conditions specifically to un-learn this resonant anxiety and fear, to then being able to solve those problems within I can have these experiences.

Of course my situation is quite easy in terms of I do not live in a war-shattered city as many do in Syria for instance, I have food, shelter, work for money, even free time, but I do not compare, I do not judge, I rather embrace and acknowledge here.

I move my attention to my feet, my toes: one is resting on another, it seems comfortable at first, but as I spend more time, about several minutes, the one is holding the another’s weight starts to feel pressured, so it’s like one leg feels really comfortable, but another starts to feel equally uncomfortable. Interesting. I put them both on their soles and it’s immediately better. Although I feel that there is tension on my knees, so I just focus there, give them one-two breath attentions and now they are both relaxed. Great.

I feel this energy spreading on my lower spine, rather on the right side and I see, there was a slight moment of observing myself from a mental point of view, rather like a quick self-judgement of…maybe irony, but not real, rather as an aesthetic categorizing imagination of this being in a film scene and before defining it to be cool, I let it go, I breathe…

I feel my mouth and face frowned for a reason I am not entirely sure, so by acknowledging I am not aware of why I did, it’s almost like I could and should know, just at this moment apparently can’t word it out. And by acknowledging that acknowledging, I look up and take another big sigh.

See, this presence is like a meditation, a mind-serialization, when really slowing down to see the tremendous amount of processes one can easily be overwhelmed by and it’s just the first step to become aware of the mind and the fact that I am not always doing the best possible, or when I ‘think’ that I do, I also write down the reasons I would ‘believe’ that I do the best possible, and to see if those are excuses and justifications only or I am really, fully being aware of what and why I feel, think and do.
This is rather an exploration and a rant on presence, but I am sure you only can know yourself, when you are present, empty and embracing without any judgement. That’s what I suggest to explore. Well, it’s not always easy, but remember, whatever comes up, it’s you. Deal with it. See, decide, explore if you can live with it or you might find it as limiting/annoying or even self-deceiving – then you understand it more and stop it, change it, and thus you, bit by bit, breath by breath: changing yourself and with that the world! That’s THE Way. Enjoy.

Day 284 – Walk the Physical Timeline

phstPhysical Timeline: What does it mean and how to utilize for self-support, stabilization and expanding responsibility?
Why its common sense to be aware of the things without any interpretations, connotation, judgement or belief and why it’s so difficult to live like that?

Just check out the other Journey To Life blogs where people walk their memories, their mind and changing their relationship with the words they are realizing that were based on fear, delusion: http://destonians.com

Study Self and correct dishonesty at Desteni I Process:
http://desteniiprocess.com

FREE Self-honesty starter course: LITE
http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Self-supportive audiobooks at EQAFE:
http://eqafe.com

Day 275 – Suppression to stop

IMG_3827The EQAFE series of Quantum Physical provides exceptional support by looking at the physical manifestation of the self-acceptance and
mind-personalities on the human face.

These interviews are supporting with the point of SUPPRESSION:

https://eqafe.com/p/suppression-eyes-quantum-physical
https://eqafe.com/p/suppression-jawline-chin-quantum-physical
https://eqafe.com/p/suppression-weight-and-puffiness-quantum-physical
https://eqafe.com/p/suppression-self-conscious-quantum-physical

Throughout my life I’ve been working on this point as I have the tendency to swallow and suppress experiences, energetic states, judgments, emotions and basically any kind of points within myself I did not want or could not face, take responsibility for or acknowledge the need for change, justified by various excuses and justifications.

Today the tendency of suppression within me is like 1/100th of what I used to participate within, but still existing, can undermine self-trust and stability, thus it’s something I take responsibility for and work on it actively until it’s gone.

I am going to open up this point slowly as first allowing myself to freely write about suppression, some memories from my past to bring up and then will focus to physical aspect of the act of suppression, what do I feel, experience and see within myself, what are the signs within/on my body when I participate within the mind-patterns of suppression to support myself to prevent participating within it.

It’s not that I consciously want to suppress anything – there were times when I used to, but those times has passed and with walking Process since a while, having the Desteni group as support platform to share and ask, with the exceptionally mindblowing material provided by EQAFE, and the awesome Self-empowering online course of Desteni I Process and it’s buddy support; I am more than ready to face anything within me to take responsibility for, so let’s walk.

Any time you, the reader feeling like can relate, would have something to add or suggest, don’t be shy, that’s why we walk our process openly, so then we can multiply realization and assist each other by cross-referencing the practical knowledge of understanding, correcting and re-defining ourself for good.

Throughout my life of more than 36 years, I’ve never seen any pattern, thought-construct, emotional state, conviction, belief or judgement within myself what I could not open up, decompose and fully understand if I would take the decision, commitment and actual physical time and effort to open up, investigate, word it, write down and understand, thus I am certain that human nature as it is today can be changed, thus humanity as a group of individuals also can be changed with actual, self-honest action, and that’s what I am doing here, starting here, with what I have authority and power over: myself here.

I’ve seen so many people around Desteni to change, to let go their shame, shyness, guilt and powerlessness and emerge as stable, responsible and shining individuals, who’ve became active part of society and actually making a difference with principled living.

I understand that many people have problem with ‘Principle’ as I’ve been there too, but here I am, I am accumulating efforts to consistently live by the principle of self-honesty, self-forgiveness and physical birthing myself as responsible for all as equal as one as myself.

Suppression, as it is, a self-protection mechanism, which, within it’s flawed nature, still reflects back self-acceptance as who I allow myself to be.

There are several physical symptoms, I’ve experienced during my life what indicated, and still today, sometimes coming back saying ‘Hello, I am still here!’ Just to list some up, for instance I had ulcer within my stomach, as I was digesting up myself to the point of self-destruction and for a while that sickness really got me a literal taste of personal hell. At these moments, the digesting acid feels like coming up even to the point of my throat, which was biting the whole swallow area, and literally feeling like ‘acidic’ experience, which was quite uncomfortable. Since I’ve visited Desteni Farm and talked with Resonances through the Portal, I’ve got direct support to recognise this before really happening, so when I allow the mind to really grow on me and going into judgement, emotions, suppressions, to recognise and then let it go and stabilize myself, but I never fully applied decomposition, self-forgiveness and real change to the full extent, so this is also a point to look at here.

Also sometimes I can have the tendency to chew my mouth from within, which seems weird, but somehow when being in stress, tension or exhaustion, this feels like giving some energy, but actually I was again: eating myself up within by constant self-judgement, shame and guilt, literally manifesting it as eating my own flesh up to the point of having little scars in my mouth. The interesting point within that was that once there was some ‘flaw’ in the flesh within, it seemed easier to just continue eating myself and always re-starting before the flesh healing it. Well, this was never extreme, so never had ‘problems’ from it, but within self-honesty, this has never was really stopped.

When I was kid, I used be really a daydreamer, constant thinker, I felt like with the thoughts I actually could virtualise all possible scenarios before any action and think everything through, like ‘simulations’ to run and then what I felt the best, after seeing what to I react the most positive way, I heavily relied to my mind-personality to tell me what to do. This made me awkwardly slow within action and extremely limited within actual communication with others, especially with those, who I really wanted the best to happen with, such as women, or initiative, powerful people.
I was thin, really white skinned boy and among the physically more developed, brown-skinned others, who were much more ‘physical’ and strong, I felt that my only chance is to be really smart, to use my mind, my logic, my ‘processing power’, which I did, and many times it really worked, and gave me the ability to figure out things and also make things more efficiently, but many times really made things much worse, because if worry or fear influenced my reactions or reasoning, I twisted my perception and judgements based on emotions, which I really not like. That’s why I started to develop suppression. In a split second, there is reaction, emotion, vast amount of energy, what was ready to influence my pure, clinical logic of assessing with precision, so then I suppressed it. Like a superhero thing, there is this scar, a bullet hit me, and in the moment feel it, but in the next, I am ‘whole’ again. That I liked, but did not realize that what I suppress, accumulates, and when it’s full within me, then it’s energy, the whole thing comes alive and takes over, I am kind of possessed so to speak and then do stupid things, feeling like being in a rage and wanting to destruct all structure within me – and even sometimes I did hurt others too, luckily not much, but those times I was really ashamed, so then I’ve learnt to use that for energizing the mind with shame to suppress even more to try to ‘perfectly endure’ everything, what would make me unstable or would lose the logical mind.

This made me a great fighter, but only within myself, having enormous battles for control, stability and accepted as my nature – if something can really win an energetic, emotional war within me, then I identified myself with it and even if meanwhile I was unstable on all levels, I stuck with it as felt like this is life, this is who I am and this means to really be alive, but this took me to some really-really unpleasant situations and places on earth, where I had to reconsider that this is not the way I want to live.

Since walking Process, I’ve realized that I do not need to fight, or even resist things as no matter what I learn, reveal, understand or discover within me, I can change, I can change that aspect of myself, so no need to judge myself, no need to fear facing anything, but committing myself to change, finding practical ways to accumulate effort to manifest that change. The very words I think, feel and act are really important to investigate, what do I mean by ‘that’, what do I associate by ‘this’ and where do I see fear, resistance, desire, where I go into emotional reaction and instead of suppression, what can I do to embrace, stop and re-align myself with more direct, self-trusting and self-honest living.

For introduction, this is enough, I will continue more details on suppression to see it from different angles.

In the meantime I really suggest to utilize EQAFE interviews for more understanding on human mind-behavior as it is imperative to take responsibility for our actions and inabilities for the proper actions. Even the price of an interview seems like a lot, within UK, it’s the price of a pack of cigarettes, and also by paying that, one can support the creators of EQAFE, who are dedicated their life relentlessly to record and share as much as possible support. So, for me, those coins really worth the price. And there are many-many hours length of audio books there, which are free, for instance every series/categories are up there, the first 5 is always free.

Equal Life Foundation has many platforms for Education, many are free and providing professional self-support, life-coaching, which seems as fancy, but in fact it’s a million times evolved version of any spiritual/religious/psychological studies I’ve ever found on Earth, so before you judge, give it a try, it’s totally free:http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Thanks, enjoy, bye

Day 274 – Redefining Stability

I was in a forest camping for almost a week and during this period I used my notebook to list up all the points I consider for redefining the word Stability.

 

To simplify this process, I’ve focused to three layers:

Body: Be aware of physical presence: inner and external physical experiences/senses

Physical environment: surrounding space-things, smell, sight, touch.

Feel the gravity for the body’s whole and it’s parts

Feel the wind touching the skin, moving clothes, hair.

Feel the muscles, if there is any tension, looseness in feet, knee, thighs, stomach, chest, spine, neck, head, arms, hands, wrest, fingers

Feel the face, muscles, gesture, tongue, jaw, cheeks, ears.

Be aware of my lower back, my spine, straighten it, pull back my shoulders, feel my chest raising, pushing my chin up and stand as I AM HERE.

Not to escape from the mind into the physical sensation, rather to realize that this is natural to allow to directly experience and be here and if the mind keeps trying to intervene, distract, interrupt or lure away from constant and consistent presence, it is not to resist, but to realize that I am the director here, and I can actually utilize the mind to see where it’s taking me and to understand why – without being the slave of the thoughts, feelings, emotions by questioning and answering to myself.

Mind: Be aware of the thoughts/feelings/emotions, if energy is present, if it’s moving, if there is any mood or tension, resistance or devotion, etc

Recognize tendencies to react, to get attracted to or resisted, such as things defined as ‘nice’ as feeling positive reaction, or ‘ugly’ as feeling negative reaction.

Recognize tendencies and actual participation within suppression. When not standing up for myself or other around me, when avoiding conflict, when going into self-judgement, shame, regret, giving up, ‘fuck it’ mentality. These accumulate and undermine stability.

Recognize and acknowledge and realize source points + actual judgment words for those trigger points. When and why do I judge specific behavior/individuals/myself? If I know better, why not sharing as living example, or it’s just pure ‘mind-knowledge’?

Re-alignment with taking self-responsibility: Self-forgiveness on each points with consequences to be aware of – decompose the patterns, remember the trigger words, release the energetic states, taking responsibility for the patterns I recognize as not supporting me, thus have to be aware of them before participating to be able to stop and re-align myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the practical solution within the trinity of application through stabilization of physical, mind and beingness awareness to support actual change within self-honesty.

Self-commitment to change self and those points to make my stand and decide that I do not accept anything less than who I really am as realizing the potential if I correct this very point I am currently facing. I am going through the resistances and unpleasant experiences, which is actually facing the manifested consequences of accumulated self-dishonesty, what must be stopped.

I commit myself to accumulate stability in and as the physical, the mind and as my beingness here by applying self-investigation, self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-corrective statements and sharing, exchanging communication.

Self-corrective statements on how actually to re-align and change on these specific triggering realization points. Re-writing the script of my personality. After decomposing the self-dishonest patterns, I can actually script myself to remain here, stable and re-define words on how to live them while not going into polarity, judgments, fear.

When and as I see that I am accepting judgments towards myself or another, I support myself with physical re-alignment by straightening my back, pushing back my shoulders and chest forward and up my chin. I am here. I stop the mind, I direct self-correction in this very moment, no matter where am I, who I am with, what I am doing.

Beingness/Self-stability

Asking Who am I?

Who I am within and as this situation I find myself at?

Self-honesty – Process – Self-forgiveness

Principle, Purpose, Destiny:

Alignment, Unification, Amalgamation and Integration of all what is Here Equal as Self as Life. – Supports to reflect back of any resistance, reaction, energy and to word that and apply the tools until I am here without any automatic inner movement from the mind.

All with consideration of consequence and outcome of what is best for all participants.

As resisted or scary might be to find any principle to live as – maybe the memories and reactions to such principles of the past weren’t the right or ‘great enough’ – chance to reflect back to the question why to be equal with all – and why not to?

Every day is One and each Breath I take is One and these are numbered, thus to decide what I manifest as me, as Tala Joseph is relevant and assists within further stability as considering what Self I could be proud of if I would have total freedom and then also to see what with I accept myself to limit, enslave or scare and then to investigate, decompose and forgive those patterns again until I am here, freedom as absolute self-honesty here.

 

These are the notes I wrote and realized that it’s completely up to me of how effectively I can apply anything at my disposal to stabilize myself and sort out the delusional relationships existing within my mind, especially those, what I am not fully aware of as so many years I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within self-limitation through convictions, belief systems and the whole religion of self, meaning to not expand, grow and actually change.

Always striving, pushing, facing, fringing to see what are the limits and why and to try if I can go beyond that specific limitation if originated from me, my mind, my perception of reality.

In terms of stability, I’ve also mixed up before of not being able to accept myself of who I am, because of the extensive amount of self-judgments, which I saw, but I did not realize that I do not need to accept myself to exist within these self-limitations as I can actually change. Thus to accept who I am naturally becomes a more deep, substantial level what I can feel more directly if I dare to disregard all the judgments, definitions, comparisons, memories, polarities, preferences and interests.

Also to note that while I describe the possible physical sensations and experiences through and as my human physical body, that does not mean I always have to be ‘on the edge’ of focusing to these, but if there is no ‘input’, it can be a sign of total distraction of the mind, participating within a pattern of delusion, energetic possession, consumed by self-interest, thus make a stance and re-align with physical here and not to be identified with the mind as self, but neither to try to separate myself from it as to realize I am here is equal and one with the physical body and the layers of the mind and to birth myself as life, I have to embrace and direct, decompose and re-define all of me according to what is proven to be self-honest.

I will continue with series of investigations around the word SUPPRESSION.

I’ve been suppressing so many things, which now must be faced, understood, stopped and released.

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