Day 340 – Emotions and Self-honesty

IMG_0898After yesterdays blog, I might have opened up Pandora’s box within myself as today I was quite emotional. (Well, before yesterday)

It’s rare thing for me, most of my life I’ve lived with perfecting suppressing emotions, but I am actually stopping as proven to be not the best approach(obviously), which might mean I do find myself within reactions.

I start with clarifying – within DIP online courses emotions are the negative-related energetic experiences, such as fear, worry, jealousy, hate, sadness, etc, while feelings are the positive ones, such as happy, excitement, etc.

Neither of them is bad or good, they are simply put: tools for expression. The self-dishonesty about these is that when they come and go ‘automatically’ and I am the puppet, when I am actually giving permission to get emotional, angry, sad, ‘fall into love’ or become obsessed with happy feelings, etc.

The practical approach within learning on how to LIVE words directly(instead of being influenced, stimulated by) is to redefine my relationship and meanings in relation to self-honesty and considerations of all participants of my reality here. Example: Instead of wanting to experience joy, I answer the question of ‘How can I Live Enjoyment?’.

Thus, it is Self-movement I live, not going through experiences and reacting, bouncing, conflicting through.

So, my commitment to stop suppressing emotions is about to break the following habit:

  • I experience/see/think of something what I have judgement about, somewhat memory, association, personal involvement.
  • I react with the judgement, I feel a certain energetic experience
  • I recognize that I am moving away from ‘center’ as this emotion would start to overwhelm me
  • I suppress the emotion, just ‘swallow it’, ‘push it down’ with a single inner movement, saying ‘go away’
  • I am here, clear, kind of logical, focused, stable again

This can happen quite automatically, part of my personality, in fact pretty fast, if I am not present and aware, I do not even notice that I am doing it.

There are various layers of why this became ‘normal’ for me – but mostly because I recognized that I am quite impaired and limited, less effective and compromised to apply logic and common sense when I am overwhelmed with emotions related to fear.
Kind of a weakness as I have defined it, thus better to spend time within this kind of states the least possible.

So instead of facing the fear, understanding it’s reality-related connection, I just want it to go away, instead of solving it’s origin.

Within my ‘culture’ – also to be a ‘man’ – means not to get ‘soft’ but strong, rigid and solid all the time, and with emotions I felt more vulnerable, unpredictable and unstable, so pretty early I decided not to spend too much time within emotional states, thus suppression, as ‘swallowing’ the reaction, suffering, doubt and fear became my second nature.

What I have not realized, seen and understood before, is that each and every emotion suppressed is not going anywhere, but stays with me, accumulates and creates layers, blocks and another level of automatic personality behaviour within me, and the top of that, once reached some kind of limit, I just can’t hold it anymore, kind of exerting it out, without any direction, control or power over it, regardless of situation, company or consideration. And that is quite a problem.

So, that’s why I am walking DIP PRO course, writing this blog, applying self-forgiveness, to understand myself more and prevent suppressing, but solving problems, so no need to judge, react, go into inner thinking mode – as whenever I do so – I am not acting, because of doubt, fear, confusion, resistance, and when I do not act and move in reality, I internalize, I suppress, and that is a sign of facing a point and remaining within self-dishonesty.

Thus the responsibility point presents itself what I take and work with. The DIP course is invaluable within supporting and I have changed so much in the last couple of years and this blog and overall expansion and stability of mine is in a way already a living proof, yet it’s still a process, thus I keep walking the course and this blog as well.

Within the last years, especially since ended my last, quite hectic and conflicting partnership some years ago, these emotional states became less intense, I must say I was and am much-much more stable and present.

Within the current partnership I am, since quite some months, I am having experiences I never had before, more direct enjoyment, trust, sharing and opening up with myself and ‘my’ lady, and more and more I push myself to become vulnerable, feel more, let go of fear and distrust and be completely open. It is great and eternally grateful I am as step by step learning to live without doubt and fear, sometimes still stumbling but in overall this process is good.

So, in a nutshell, this is in relation to suppressing my emotions and years of walking this process allows me to trust, even when something not so comfortable or nice experience comes, as more and more I have a direct reference of how it is when I am physically here, and that becomes my foundation, where to I return from the storms my self-conditioned mind still sometimes creates.

Today was another of these storms I see now, and in a way I created it, but also it was flooding me at the same time.

The recent experiences I am going through also added to it and accumulated me to intensify certain emotions, which are uncertainty and sadness, loneliness and sorrow.

The main triggering point was that I have finished watching – well, through the last days, today ‘The Leftovers’ TV series. Without spoiling, it is a great show, if someone is interested in the deeper psychology of people, who had great traumas and those still influencing their lives to the point of very sad and insane moments from time to time.
The initial interest in it was not this topic for me, but ‘writer of Lost’ and ‘mystery’ and quality in overall, but through the seasons I found this profound value of the characters change and interaction.

The rhythm, the balance; the artistic expression combined with the great actors performance, the exceptional music – it was very emotional, – within each episode, well composed to have these peak moments, when I just had these tearful moments until the end of the whole season and closure, when I reached this total emptiness and sadness, sorrow and what I associated with it is the reality of each human individual’s constant and consistent exposure to traumatic experiences throughout our entire lives and how much that influences, compromises us, humans to do what could be best for all.

I had very busy months behind, each day, committed to do specific things and that gave me purpose, and looks like my commitment and consistent application soon fruits it’s result in the planned way, however today I was at the point of nothing more to do, yet the outcome is not yet fully manifested, and thus all of a sudden I feel empty, nothing moves me, but I also do not move either.

I know I should, also that I will, but what came was that I want to be in this emptiness, to see what’s still within the depths of me to face who I was, to embrace, to let go and focus to move on.

What did not happen with me since maybe a decade, I skipped hydrating today, usually I am drinking liters of water, and I was not hungry. Thus, I recognized that I am not in sync with my physical, so I fried a pre-made pizza, I ate, still was not hungry, but once started eating, I started to ‘come down’ with this emotional state.

Also chatted with my lady, did not want to share how I feel but we have trust and care, so decided to just concisely express myself and within writing it was another step assisting and supporting to see and recognize what I am experiencing and then become aware of how I have moved today with this whole time line of becoming emotional and started to step out of it. After drinking almost a litre water and still feeling thirsty, I finally recognized that I was kind of ‘out’ for a while and actually supporting my body, then resting more brought back and I was/am able to continue with more present, self-directive and considerate daily living.

I even could relate to some lsd acid trips, it was in a way similar experience, but not in the sense of effects, but the inner storm, ‘death’ and silence and exponentially(first slowly, then more and more directly) awakening.

In overall, I would say this was a long time emotion suppressing reaching it’s threshold to be triggered to need to be discharged and kind of exerting.

What was actually cool about it that I had no doubt that I get to stabilize soon, was no fear or even shame this time, and within crying I felt relief. Well, it was not actual sobbing, like I had in 2014 when after all struggles my ex girlfriend told me she would leave, then I was really crying for about a minute and then I was clear again.

This time was just crying, kind of submitting into the watched drama’s roller coaster, yet it was supporting in a way.

What I see here in this all as I could have done ‘better’ and will do in any case of similar ‘next time’ to anchor myself more to presence, to apply forgiveness WITHIN the storm, to accelerate self-stabilization.

Also I was not entirely certain to share it with my partner, as did not want to seem unstable or sad, but we are both very busy nowadays thus did not communicate much, so I felt better to share than to just stay quiet.

Let’s walk self-forgiveness to open up additional points towards practical solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress emotional experiences with which I can’t deal, control or stop influencing me to become unstable, and never realizing that suppressing means accumulating.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that with what I don’t learn to deal with in self-honesty, will keep controlling me and my life until I stand up and take responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself of what were the actual points, judgements and reactions I kept suppressing recently and thus accumulating to the point of exerting in a way what manifested in being moody, sad and worried and thus not being able to see what I participate within, or even prevent stepping into.

I forgive myself that I have not assisted and supported myself in the exact moment of ANY judgement, reaction or emotion I would manifest within myself with slowing down, re-aligning with physical presence and to be able to look at the point I am about to react to and suppress by believing that I can’t or do not have to deal with this right now, but will do later, or even thinking ‘I hope this will be solved, or my observation and suspicion would turn out to be not true’.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to exactly see the points with what I started to ‘have a relationship with’ as assumption, observation, belief and worry and first of all not solve it within myself, or if it is about to communicate with the person I am experiencing it relation to and I am clear on that I should engage communication with, then to do it in a way what is clear, concise and supportive for finding solution and agreement.

I will continue walking these points…


Day 255 – Opening up wounds to fully heal

IMG_5968I had a blister yesterday, which I am going to use as an analogy for Self-realization.

My stove has the pipe into the chimney, which is covered with white enamel paints and at one part it is wearing out from the constant heat changes and yesterday, while I started to make fire, the whole pipe slipped out from the wall, so I had to act immediately and pushed the pipe into it’s place back and at it’s edge a spiky piece of paint went deep into my left longest finger.

It was painful immediately, so I started to pull it and it came out but I felt a little cracking, so I knew that deep down under my skin, there is still a part.
I used the tap to wash away the blood from time to time to see the wound and as by pushing the wound from angles it did not come out just intensified the pain, I knew that I have to open up the skin somehow to reach the remaining part.
So I took a needle and basically started to carve out all the way long as deep as the blister entered my finger muscle sideways.

Well, that was more painful and more blood came, but I realized, there is no other way, so under the tap, opened it up with needle scratches all the way until I did start to feel the hard enamel piece with the needle and started to pick it out but still did not come out as it was embedded into the muscle already. So I kept carving the thing out as I knew, that if this would remain within, it would cause much more pain, maybe even inflammation and more problems, so I just kept using the needle regardless of the pain until I was able to use my Swiss army knife’s forceps to grab it after many tries and could pick it out. It was just 2 millimeters, a little white triangle, but I was glad that I could take it out. Well, the whole area was not big, about a centimeter long, but it’s interesting to open up a wound by myself with a needle.

With all of this I see similarity with my own process of self-realization. Even when I worked hard to find a peace, a calmness, with Self-honesty I can see that there is something from deep within what still not perfect and at the moment I am unable to see it, feel it, understand it, but later it will cause some conflict, limitation, so when I have the opportunity, I have to open it up.
Even if it brings up many other, uncomfortable things, such as memories, failures, dishonesty, fear, which will be not so nice to walk through, but under all of those I can find the source of the problem and that I have to take care of.
Many people have sort of ‘psychological’ problems, such as doubt, addiction, phobia, obsession and those are probably just the tip of the iceberg, the origin point is deep within, beyond many years of acceptances, justifications and accumulation of given up moments when the person occasion by occasion allowed oneself to live with that source point of problem, which later manifested symptoms, like energetic addiction or avoiding conflicts, apathy, instability etc.

In the last couple of blog posts I’ve wrote and talked about one of my surface points, which is driving, what I resisted for many years until I started to dig deeper for what is the origin of that resistance, thus manifested self-limitation.

I’ve found multiple dimensions, but one of the most relevant points was that I’ve accepted myself as limited with the belief that I can not change and from that, I allowed my past to define who I am and who I am going to remain as.

I’ve tried many ways to change myself, but the most direct, most aware process I’ve ever found is the Desteni I Process, because it supports with understanding of oneself, the nature of consciousness and the design of the mind and it’s simple as 1+1=2.

What is also imperative to realize is that even when I open up deeper wounds within myself, that uncomfortable experience, resistance and pain I experience meanwhile is also a manifested consequence of my consistent acceptances and allowances and the sooner I walk through and become aware of the source of that self-dishonesty, the sooner I can embrace it and stop participating within it, starting to correct myself.

It will be sometimes even ‘darker’, as I realize how selfish, deluded or even evil I was at some occasions with others or myself, but the key here again: to remind myself, that I CAN CHANGE. It’s completely unnecessary to judge myself and go down on the emotional storms of self-pity to basically just activate an another personality within me to not take responsibility for the practical change I should do, so then no need emotions, no need to remain so, no need to judge.
Recognize the tendency of self-judgement and re-align immediately, as within any judgement, it’s an attempt of cover up by a perceived separation and then within polarity, there is good and bad, morality and the more ‘time’ I spend in that mind-field, the more reaction, emotion will be generated, which then will take my direction away, or activate an another self-dishonest, not yet became aware of personality manifestation of me, which then will just for instance jump onto distraction experience, such as entertainment, need for energy, party, sex, whatever the person’s mind defined as ‘good’ to balance ‘bad’. But then the pattern remains.

Self-honesty is not really a ‘nice’ thing, as self faces all of it’s creation and manifested consequences, which are on personal level, how the person is behaving with self and others, what impact does on society, the world and at the same time, that same world is also a manifested consequences for all of us as humanity as a whole, from what we also can’t escape. But process is walked breath by breath, and once self is not defined by past, not influenced by reactions can change self to see what are the potentials on an individual, interpersonal and global levels.

In terms of ‘evil’ – I do not see very much about it, no need to mystify it, rather to recognize that self-interest, ego, not considering others but only self is in a way a manifested evil, just like the words backwards: L I V E – – E V I L.

So then ‘good’ – is to LIVE without self-dishonesty, without any deeper wounds, self-limitation, fear, self-interest.

Facing the world system, the economic, monetary, law systems of humanity will also going to be like one must dig deep into manifestations, organizations, systems and there will be nasty, dark things as well – genocide, slavery, torture, brainwashing, exploitation, destruction, which actually happens in front of our eyes with our consent even today, but until the individual is not able to purify self from within, there is no way could face and handle the cumulative external manifestation of all of (our)selves, because of the self-accepted self-dishonesty causes serious level of self-limitation, self-delusion and massive resistances to walk through anything relevant.

That is why Self-realization is not a blissful, beautiful, glorious, peaceful thing – nor always painful or of conflict, but to define or categorize or compare with others this process of self is also self-dishonesty, because the very act of mind of defining is also the result of an already self-accepted self-dishonesty, thus can not be trusted, must be faced, understood, embraced, stopped and completely transcended, meaning to change one’s practical living to not participate within any definition.

Not all definition is problem, but unless one has investigated to the core it’s origin, self’s relationship with it, should not be trusted.

Then from a moment of clarity, self-honesty, emptiness, responsibility I can start re-defining the words, thus my life.

This seems like a lonely process, because everybody has got their own ‘life package’, which is completely unique, but it does not mean we are not of the same source or there are no common patterns with which we could not assist and support each other to cross-reference our self-dishonesty, because our mind is a tricky thing, makes us believe in things what are not physically here, so to find buddies who we can trust is crucial until self can start to trust oneself within consistent integrity and absolute self-honesty.