Day 346 – Standing up as LIFE

IMG_9174Ok, I have found a deeper point and thus real solution to my fear, worry and emotional instability issues. Its pretty awesome.

I have been working on the redefinition of the word: LOVE – it takes some time and one would ask why to redefine words, aren’t they just fine? Not necessarily if I go up and down with emotions, worry and hope, conviction or doubt, fear and desire and it’s all just like a roller-coaster – then it’s an indication of that my ‘program code’ of my words to live out are not ‘optimal’, neither for me and others – thus a re-evaluation, often a decomposition and re-alignment, re-definition is required within self-honest investigation.

Do I live the words as I define them, as I want to live them, is that really the best for me and others how I live them?

I had to admit, for me, many words are ‘contaminated’ with fear, polarity of self-interest-based positive and negative associations, desire, doubt, hope and a lot of memories about what went wrong.

Humans have the tendency to have a LOT in the mind, and often what can happen is that what I think is not the same as what I say and also not the same of what I do. And that’s a problem, because it shows the split, the separation and distortion among aspects of myself as wanting different than saying and doing, and thus my words have no much power.
If I think that my crazy, worrying, doubtful, desiring thoughts are not related to reality, to who I actual become, then I must be a fool – it’s the same analogy, when someone thinks it’s overpriced when TV asks ten million dollars for 10 seconds of advertisement during the biggest sport game broadcast. No. Words – and images have influence and relevance. What does this mean?

If I have doubtful thought, abusive, or worrysome – it is influencing my beingness, my actions and reality’s greatest law does the rest: accumulation. Everything accumulates, from smallest bits up to world-changing forces. 1+1=2. This is the greatest force and I can apply it to my own participation to words and actions as well. Accepting a doubtful thought, just once every day – will have fruit one day manifesting real doubt.

That’s why I focus on specific words, what are relevant in my life, to check, what this word means, what says the dictionary, how can I live it without polarity, without self-interest, how could I live this that is best for others around me and myself too – and thus to ensure that I am not giving chance to doubt, self-judgement and fear when living this word.

So, since I have started new relationship with someone months ago, I have been looking this word: LOVE from multiple angles.

What is my starting point is How to live REAL LOVE, what is not superficial, not of the mind, not of energies, feelings, emotions, but something deeper, something more lasting and more ‘physical’ in terms of actions should speak louder than thoughts or words.

Within our group, as it’s referred – Desteni – (as we are taking our destiny into our own hands) – there are some Principles as guideline starting points to support self-reflection of who I should accept myself to be and become. About LOVE I quote:

The Principle of Making Love Real – Nurturing and honouring the utmost potential in every individual (including myself) wherein love is not a feeling or emotions, but an action that is lived by doing whatever is necessary to support without compromising myself or the other – without fear of “losing” the relationship or the feelings associated to love, and without accepting or allowing less than my own or my partner’s utmost potential.
(more at : http://desteni.org/about-us#anchor-BLOCK_8432 )

What I am defining:
Within my actions I should live love as care, as support, as To Give as I would like to receive.

Love can be deception, delusion, distraction and total selfishness as well but just as any words, love as a word is not the problem here, but my relationship with it, the definition and the way of how I try to manifest and live it in this world.

My realization is not new, however within focusing recently a bit too much on the word LOVE, for a looooong moment, I disregarded the concept, meaning, principle of LIFE.

Bernard Poolman once raised the question: What would you choose? Love or Life? What these do actually mean?

Within seeking the experience and pursuit of LOVE – I submit to fear, fear of loss and fear of fear.

Within Standing up as Life – I stand as Equality and Responsibility as Do onto others as would like others to do onto me.

I was within worry and fear, thus I was unable to really LIVE LOVE, as I was afraid that fear permeated into my perception and expression.

I was within the temptation of Fear and Love, while I am currently re-aligning, re-standing up as Life, as Equality, thus I can become equal with worry and fear and thus STOP it as part of myself, reunited into and as myself.

This is the best practical way to stop worry and fear, to let go the old definition of emotion-based Love and Stand up as Life as thus re-defining how to live Real Love as Life. Cannot be more simple as this.

Within LOVE – I choose Oneness with those who I love, god, family, friends, etc

however

As LIFE – I express Equality, with all.

It’s really simple common sense.

My worry was originated from my emotion-based definition of relationship and love.

I focus to Principle as LIFE as Give as I would like to receive.

If I worry of my love and feelings will not help, last, matter, I am in fact within self-interest, thus re-alignment is required, to let go what I fear and desire and to stand up to and as ALL LIFE EQUALLY. Absolutely mindblowing.

If this seem like some semi-street-wise spiritual mumbo-jumbo, it is not. It’s pretty practical:

I was trying to stop worry and fear and somewhere I knew that these are just symptoms, I kept sorting them out but they kept coming back and a week ago I had to realize that I am starting to live out a nightmare and after applying self-forgiveness and listening an interview with Bernard Poolman about Angels and Demons and Love and Life – and what I have mentioned within my last blog: Waking Up from a Living Nightmare from EQAFE – I just snapped out of this emotional possession and the re-alignment and relief was quite instant. Still can creep back some worry, but then I vigorously re-align as Principle as Life and from that perspective, I do not need love, I do not worry, I do not fear, but to see what I can directly DO and ACT based on common sense.

If someone does not want me or to be with me – it’s fine – I am Life, how could any worry help with that anyway?
What I can do to change that – should I change it, what happened and why? I investigate, with common sense and if that’s the other’s decision – as I look if all I did, am still doing and going to do to LIVE my openness to the other and then if I really see – did I do all I could and the other still would not want it – I gotta let it go and focus to what’s ahead.

Worry and fear is a sin. Not as sins are real, but in terms of self-honesty: fear is self-dishonesty. Leads to accumulate and manifest things not the best for me and/or all either.

If someone needs support and I worry that things would go wrong – I re-align and purify myself first, and then to look what I can do and committing myself to do all I can. See – if there is place for worry – I am not doing all I could, thus re-alignment is required.

I don’t say Love is bad, I rather re-align my definition of Love as Life! Not limiting but embracing, not fearing but freeing up and let it Live in Physical Action, not just as a feeling, an emotion, but as Living Word.

If people decide to share their life with each other – mutually – that is Life – their love, from both individuals should be the Living Action, not feelings and worries. If Fear is accepted within anyone – that is poisonous and should not be accepted.

Trust is also relevant in this context – what do I choose to trust within? Why would I choose anything other than self directly here? Any entity, definition or force which is not equalized as me as equal as one with and as myself in and as this physical reality seems like a distraction as influences my ability to see directly what’s here – to be able to apply the best practical solution for the problems I encounter.

In a way – what is also an interesting point to open up – that by falling into worry – I had this belief that it’s the way to show that I care, as I value something so much, that within that self-created relationship – I value the thing I value more than value myself as Life here, and that relationship can have condition and that condition can change, thus come and go, and within that – I am dependent, I am relying, I am controlled. That also self-separation through fear. Should not be self-allowed, but self-corrected instantly at it’s appearance within.

Let me clarify – to step out of this halo of love energy into real action – directly, with self-moving awareness, step by step – can also bring up a sort of resonant fear – as I face literally the UNKNOWN – of and as Self – but it’s encouraging to discover that there is something much-much greater beyond Love energy and it is LIFE.

And to stand up as all as life as equal as one as me, it’s individual expression – I can not fall or really die as I am equal with creation and that is where the real deal starts to make sense and the true understanding of existence can start to reveal.

I will continue to explore this and I am grateful for all who support me with embracing or rejection, sharing or disregarding, love or hate – it makes sense and I continue to walk through all fear and worry, self-dishonesty and doubt.

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Day 343 – Sadness and blame – Self-forgiveness

IMG_3488Continuing with the realizations and self-correction of my process of suppression, emotional outburst, followed with sadness and loss experience.

For context, this is my last post, where started to open up my emotional and blaming fear.

These Self-forgiveness sentences are what I wrote first – notice that in overall the point I apply self-forgiveness to is my experiences, how I feel, and still blaming the other in somewhat hidden way to justify how I feel:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad, confused, anxious and somewhat traumatized as she rejected and left me, removed my contact from social networks and basically burned up all bridges to even reconnect. (was not true, but I felt like in that time)
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid to put out so much trust, work, hope and expectation to the future with a person who with we had great experiences and plans, but in reality it turned out to be not lasting, and I see the tendency to go into self-judgement and doubt and not realizing that it’s not only myself who is responsible for what is happening, but both of us and I have no influence, power, or even actual understanding of what the other thought, felt as was not mutual sharing since quite some time.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect the other to open up and communicate with me within my belief that it’s also her commitment that solve any conflict or misunderstanding within herself and ourselves as well, and within seeing the lack of it myself to become very direct and not considering that I stopped sharing gentleness and kindness, because of feeling hurt and fear of loss.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the solution, simplicity and common sense to want to process, solve, remove and transcend, while in fact there is initiative and opportunity to MOVE and DIRECT, EXPRESS and LIVE, and wanting to wallow into experiences and then wanting to clean myself up instead of just – not going “there”, but to start doing something which is here in my direct reality, meanwhile if I am distracted or not present, I apply self-forgiveness and self-corrective statement, self-commitment to come back here and let go the strive to go into conflict and judgement again and again and again, which is fear of letting go, even the fear itself.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself today as I had a laugh within which I was forgetting what happened, happens with me and then saying to myself ‘well, I should not feel good, horrible things just happened, so let’s just go back to be sad’ – and within that not realizing the self-abuse and self-punishment.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I got obsessive with reading my emails I send to the other to clarify or try to open up and communicate about points I saw as relevant to discuss about, while the other as communicated, ‘got shocked’ and completely shut down and decided to immediately end any contact with me, which then shocked me as well.

Writing already supported – to slow down, to not only decide but actually do start to forgive and correct myself, thus it’s really important to do it as soon as possible, instead of just fall into storms of emotions, which eventually everyone will realize – kind of waste of time and totally uncool experience. So when I wrote this, I was able to see that this is just the surface and going to continue with (for)-giving myself the understanding to see it more clearly and to realize of what could have done better.

I literally give for myself the opportunity to own all of my past, present and future.

And I move from what I did towards why I did:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt within the other not wanting to communicate with actual calls, but only with texting while I kept missing and longing for actual voice calls, and even when asked for it the other refused to do so and especially feeling hurt in the fact that after all of what we went through together, she did not even bother to tell me in call, just writing me good bye letter without asking or clarifying further. And within all of this focusing only to my feelings, not considering how she could have felt or experienced within this and also not considering that probably it’s the best she sees she can do now and I should respect it, understand it as if I would be in her place and would want to just end it all, then this was very effective.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak up or directly communicate when I already noticed the change within the nature of our communication and I thought that maybe I overreact, maybe it’s just me missing out, being lonely, while all I did was suppressing the point, not communicating, not purifying from within as well, so now cannot be known if it was relevant, practical or fear-related consideration.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel misunderstood and hurt when the other states that she thinks that I am within this relationship for profit and benefit plus advantages and within that realizing that what she perceives of me is completely different from how I experience or perceive, and within that trying to share my starting point to ensure that the other understands it, to be able to let go this fear but within that taking her worry personally and wanting to speak spicy or emotionally charged.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I had, experienced or hoped for was ‘true and real love’ – meanwhile not realizing that it was my hope and desire and I wanted to see it within the thing I was participating in my mind and when I felt it did burst as a bubble with the ‘good bye email’ – I experienced confusion and sadness, as seeing my bubble burst and to see what’s real behind it – myself with my hope and fear of loss – and focusing to the loss of what was not real – as I could have instead of seeing what is here, and still remains real within this all: the movement, the expansion, and still the possibility to step up, own and correct it and also the dedication and mistakes, the missed opportunities, to keep learning, changing and growing.

Next day I was writing again, starting with overall experiences and then right into self-forgiveness.

Also possible to expand towards understanding the other participant’s view, experiences, motivation, action with Self-forgiveness.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to look to the other person’s view, who might saw this as too heavy drama, blame and expectation, to be too busy and demanding, emotional and untrustworthy, and within that not realizing that the things I write indeed indicated that I am disappointed, frustrated and uncertain, meanwhile in fact wanted to communicate that this is what I am currently working through and it might not have to be shared but within that to see the hope I try to rely to, of ‘what if’ I could have not sent that email, then all would be fine, and not realizing that the very existence of that email was actual consequence of all not being fine in the first place.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope and fight for get back what I feel losing, and not letting it go unconditionally and focus to what is in front of me, here in this moment, today.
  • I breathe, I apply self-forgiveness and I expand, I grow and focus on releasing this emotional charge from my human physical body and with that also to practically learn and become able to let this go and focus to what’s here, what’s next and not go into desire, hope, sadness or fear and whenever would go – to realize it was the other persons’ decision, thus I trust that it is the best for her which indeed, in fact always was, and will be a priority to respect and support.

On the upcoming day I was able to more and more focus to the sadness experience with prevention and correction, and started to anchor myself further back here with the support of previously ‘walked’ realizations.

  • I commit myself to stop blaming, I commit myself to stop feeling sad, I commit myself to stop judging myself for what I have done or have not done and I commit myself to focus to what’s ahead, here, next, present.
  • I commit myself to make effort understand the other part’s motivation, experience and understanding.
  • I commit myself to anchor myself into and as physical presence with clear and effective, self-directed and practical mind.
  • I commit myself to communicate with gentleness and the way I would like to be communicated to.
  • I commit myself to recognize the effect of acting based on fear as manifesting it, thus to stop participate within any fear and to stop, forgive, write it down, remember it and recognize the trigger points, the existing self-dishonest relationships with specific words within my mind to be aware of, work with and be able to disengage, release.

These were just samples of the actual written Self-forgiveness, as some are personal points, and some are kind of repetitive, but further specification of the personal points to understand further and more precisely.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to ask the question what I am missing here, why I am surprised, what I can do to solve this in the way I really want – which is to correct myself, let go emotions and fear and focus to what can be done to make the other become aware that I made mistake which I am really correcting and thus offering her to re-consider her decision about our communication and relationship.

Eventually I was able to write a letter to the person wherein I take responsibility for all I did and what I have done wrong and why from my perspective, how should I have done and also to express my gratitude and respect for all we shared and grew together.

The other person recognized the process I have walked, also opened up additional points to share with me about the whole topic we ‘danced around’ and she also explained that there are things what better to keep to self as maybe it’s temporally, yet the pain what can cause with sharing would remain.

Very wise. Indeed, really learned the lesson and committing myself not do do this again – with anyone: to put out my doubt, worry, fear as emotional storm. My responsibility to clarify within self first, then to see what’s supportive and how to share that. So.
Also possible, if both parties are agreeing to – by recognizing – ‘hey, this and that is emerging, we should clarify things – in respective sharing and motivation’. Big difference, which I did not apply as I focused to my experiences of reacting to what I got back as feedback, and within that – I saw my fear within and I got afraid even further when seeing exactly the one thing happening, what I was afraid of – not by coincidence, but my ‘attitude’. Important to realize – when things seem dire and totally uncool – I might see my fear projected out and still there are things to do, or at least to try – instead of stopping to move, express, share and live – to just storm emotions within until they take over and I sit onto the blame-train to just rush, wherever it’s rails would lead me to.

On the next day I continued to open up sadness – and the overwhelming experience of it –  as it was kind of a fear of loss, a give up – not real give up – just a momentary emotion took over and until the energy lasted, I was trying to cope with the loss I perceived – but all was not real – and had to realize that sadness is OK for a moment, if it’s an expression, a living direction – but as an experience, an emotion, a mood – it’s just self-dishonesty.

What is ‘dangerous’ here is that within that fearful experience – I perceive that it is real, and based on that I react and act – and thus I solidify my relationship with a perception, which might not be real, but the more I participate within this pattern, the more it actually becomes. This is a key to each human to recognize about fear. I manifest my worst fear if I give into it.

It is Self-manipulation and Self-sabotage. Thus to forgive this too is common sense:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that if I allow sadness, as an emotion, a mood to cloud me – it’s not self-expression, it’s not self-direction, self-movement, but it’s a give up, a doubt, a failure due to fear experience, due to self-judgement, which is self-dishonest, and instead of investing into reactions, emotions, rather to still look to what I can do to correct my mistakes or if not, then to ensure how never to make them again and to move on.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that sadness and loss experience is a form of giving up, accepting what I perceive as final, because in a pattern of reality, I see my fear to manifest and I react to my fear, superimposed to facts, thus I cannot see what’s here, and within that give up – I give into the opposite of my utmost potential, justified with the perception of already seeing what can happen as worst, and not looking to see options to change the outcome, and within that not asking why not.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give up and become sad about it, and not being honest about it with myself that I am actually sad, because I give up and I am powerless about giving up, and feeling the thing I fear losing as lost, meanwhile it’s only lost within my perception of inflated fear in my mind, and in this sense, I give up what’s real to manifest my fear.
  • I forgive myself hat I have not realized that if I react with sadness – it means I am giving into the self-acceptance of powerlessness, thus it’s an indication of self-dishonesty and the need to step back and re-align with absolute self-honesty to see: it’s not about the other person, but about my giving up and trying to do it as I don’t know about it but if I really slow down within and look at it – I can discover, understand that all I experience, feel, react to and do or don’t do – all: I do, myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the same way as I give into give up and sadness, I also can direct myself to stop lye to myself and start becoming honest, no matter how brutal it might feel, but the first step is to align with reality and facts, and all the pain and reaction of suffering I go through meanwhile – is the realization of how much I took refugee within delusions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have blamed the other, projected doubt and fear to other, meanwhile with my sadness and un-named giving up experience, I was, who went into doubt and used the other’s behavior to justify this and feed into my fear, so then I can keep fearing to lose what is important.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within my decision to stand, to do, to act – is only myself and whatever and whenever I experience any emotional reaction – is all my responsibility – noone can make me disappointed, but myself, and within this to realize that I am not aware of how I am actually responsible for each and every single inner reaction and outer action I experience, participate within or express.

I can do whatever I want, but if I lie to myself – my whole life becomes a lie – everyone can have relationship with anyone, but if they lie to themselves in any way whatsoever meanwhile, that’s their responsibility – with themselves first – as then that is manifested in relation not only self but to the other as well, and then to blame is easy, but hurtful and actually not fair as all starts and stops with self.

Also the ‘I do whatever I want just never to lie to myself‘ – might sound like some Ayn Rand type of egoistic individualist rant – but in fact not, as if I am really-really honest with myself – I can’t lie about the fact of if I do bad things to others, then it’s in overall bad – which by I mean that I would not like to be done to myself for instance and as we are living in a closed system, everything goes around and only the uneducated minds do not realize that. So yes, I can do whatever I want, but also considering others as me as equals – otherwise I am not honest, but on a fake mind-trip. Equals, in the sense of walking same process, just with different situations, points, advantages, disadvantages, but the same type of Self-honesty we all face and should live.

That’s why everyone should be absolutely and very specific about to be honest with self all the time! That’s much more difficult than it sounds due to the preconditioning and imprinting of spoiled civilization norms and the accumulated consequence of endless times existing within self-dishonesty.

In a way, that’s why Process comes first – how would I want to love anyone until I can’t understand and live love to the person, who is always here: myself. I can ‘practise’ – ‘study’, ‘test’ and ‘learn’ how to understand and support this person, who is always here – with me: myself. Relationship with self – sounds weird at first – but if we look at it – everyone already has relationship with their mind, body for instance.

If I direct every movement, every word, if I write, keep diary/blog, to decompose mind-patterns and to decide what is supportive, what is not, what to expand with, what to stop: That’s practical love. Loving self is not ego, neither selfishness – those who are full of ego or ‘themselves’ – they are not really loving themselves, they are lost in the echo chamber of their mind, resulting with losing real connection, real empathy, real response-ability with others – that is not love, that is just evolution of the mind with the starting point of fear.

So, when being in relationship with someone – in a way – does not matter what type of relationship – to take responsibility for myself, to be able to stand – first – and then to share and care what’s relevant – thus literally expand myself with the same principles – well, technically, there is no separation then – as just self-expansion within living this practical, real, grounded, ‘physical’ love.

Physical, meaning cross-referenced with facts, actual, in this world, system-support. Not meant physical love as sex – although that also can be part of it, but in a very specific type of relationship. Just mentioning this not to be misunderstood of the phrase ‘physical love’.
It means practical, grounded, reliable, stable and clear – just like the matter around us, or our body, the breath – in relation to the mind – this is good start to cross-reference to assist and support with self-directing letting go delusions, fears, convictions, beliefs.

Taking out the garbage, dishwashing, cleaning the toilet, or taking initiative on something around the living area, house and own the responsibility reliably, to get problems or things to do from the other and solve it by myself, to remain consistent, to not get moody, to be able to listen and notice small things – these are just examples on what one can find about physical love – action on earth, what matters.

When one does not get immediate emotional energetic stimulation reward for things to do, those things are what can be de-prioritized, judged as inferior, mundane, not enjoyable – but its not true. Its all in my head and I can re-align perception to whats really best for all participants – in the house, family, etc. It’s the actual details one has to go into to find out what practical love could really mean, not the emotional love drama as in the movies. In the movies they don’t even go to toilet(or if they do, get killed probably in a morbidly strange way) —  its not real 🙂 , but what I do today, here is.

See – it’s tough – maybe just for me, maybe for others too – to engage on decomposing and re-defining the word love, especially as I have quite some years already with experiences, mistakes, falls, stand ups, memories, of some I have already walked with Self-forgiveness to change in relation to – and towards some: not yet and definitely going to – directly or just would come up in relation to some situation.

After all, I was able to apologize to the other person for my doubt, my fear, my worry and wanting attention and clarification, guarantee and to cling onto feelings and energies and to stick to practical living – it always depends on the type of relationship people are within, and in this situation: what we agreed on, what we meant by that, how we felt about it, what did we share about it and what we actually did.

Also important point – did she acted the best way possible? Could she also have extended to ‘save’ this? Certainly. It was up to her and was overwhelmed with extremely important things thus in that moment decided not to. It’s ok. This process here is about what I can take responsibility for and as I go along the way – I trust myself on what I accept and allow within my relationship – with myself – and other too. And in this sense, it’s my decision if I am still ok with her stepping out from this. I mean, if would be no mutual support and commitment and real action towards solutions and growth, then I’d obviously re-evaluate my commitment. Just sharing this point to others about when if someone would face a relationship what does not seem supportive at all and not everyone stands on the same side so to speak.

But here with this person I reacted and worried about, we do stand on the same side, and had to learn about expanding communication and self-responsibility this way.

It’s quite a difference from what I wrote first, what caused the ‘stirring in the water’ – and if I could have started like this, would have been such difference.

As I saw a potential of an outcome and I judged it and felt bad about it and focused to that option, what I did not like – and thus feeding it – instead of to see what I can do, to change the outcome with fall into reactions and stop moving.

But to be able not to react – often one has to forgive the already self-accepted patterns and automatic behaviour of being reactive – and for being able to change/stop that – one must understand it’s details to the utmost specificity. Not some magic mantra, if someone says it a million times, as believing that it would help with some vibration of universal love – that’s pretty much the definition of delusion. What I mean is to exactly be able to describe everything happened within self and in reality with words – to see the whole scenario as clear as possible – understanding motives, reasons, starting points and context – and thus to see what’s the source, the origin – and what was the trigger point. When next time would come, I see BEFORE activates, thus I can PREVENT my nasty, worried, emotional self to act out. This is a skill, can be learned and be effective with it, just like with riding a bike or learning language. It’s very specific and tedious process, but it works, no doubt. Worthy of every moment to spend time with, I guarantee.

This is – after – some time passed – my ‘new’ Self-forgiveness point to be added to the topic, what I have realized about it since then:

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I got stuck in a pattern, which I defined as something predictable, safe and hopeful, and when the pattern did not play anymore, I got worried, that this means – CHANGE means – bad as it leads to unknown, which is scary as within the darkness of unknown, I fear that the worst I can imagine would wait for me, thus not only hesitating to step into, but also fearing to acknowledge it, and triggering a frustration and sadness and not realizing I literally got afraid of my own mind-shadow, which made me try to run away while blaming the other.

– quite interesting.

Self-forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts any human can ever apply, as it can be directed to various types, forms and shapes of problems to understand more, to become more responsible and effective by becoming aware of the points one faces with the starting point of self-honesty and focus to practical understanding and self-directed change.

Any frustration, limitation, conflict or fear surfaces within me – I apply self-forgiveness to give the opportunity for myself to understand this point, to be able to cross-reference the factors and to see what’s real, relevant and supportive. And from that point of view – what I feel or being convinced about – should be re-evaluated with fully available information and understanding.

I will continue on an other point I have realized about being non-reactive and what I mean by that in a self-honest way and keep expanding on the realizations and self-forgiveness(to further specify and correct of what I wrote here) to support myself to keep walking from self-interest, fear and delusion to practical and living love.

Until that – consider this free online course if you have not yet walked it – can really support to understand human consciousness, yourself and others more:

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 334 – Re-aligning to Live Words: Love

IMG_3069One of my major realizations in life is that humans do not Live Words actually. Certainly Think, Feel, Speak and Act, and these various forms of ‘word usages’ are rarely within harmonious unification with each other, which results a sort of cognitive dissonance, inner conflict and lack of self-honesty.

What I mean is that when I think, feel, speak and do a word the same way – then I am honoring myself and others with being the same within thought, word and deed, unconditionally, without positive or negative, without self-interest, no resistance or fear.

Let’s start with the most common word, which is a very important one: LOVE.

Just today I’ve posted a lot of images on social media about my ‘loved ones’.

This could be confusing for those who walk the process of Self-honesty, and within the community often can be read that ‘love is deception, delusion, self-interest and manipulation’.

Well, I’ve been there, I realized it, I worried about it, I’ve walked a process with it and what I have realized is that the Process of Self-honesty does not end by forgiving myself for describing and realizing how exactly I’ve abused myself and the words, others and thus live itself in a way, but then once I am seeing clearly of what I should not do, it’s just the beginning of an other phase: re-defining words.

As I have realized in relation to the word LOVE, that my previous self-definition, pre-defined patterns of experiences and interactions, starting points and affections were not self-honest, I have committed myself to STOP myself participating within such patterns and preventing myself to make the same mistakes again by giving into energetic experiences to be more than these actually are to the degree of disregarding actual reality, facts and in fact others as well.

I had multiple relationships previously, wherein I was convincing myself that my affection, sexual desire, exciting feelings towards someone is love actually, meanwhile it was not consistent, was based on polarity, based on what I perceive positive for myself and at the end all turned out to be not really being real, as a bubble – bursted in an instant. Then I was finding myself with this crappy experience and emotion of loss and sadness, when I realized that I was following a mirage in the desert which was not real, and eventually I had to wake up.
Or if I did not dare/want to wake up, then slowly accumulating manifested consequences showed me what’s really real, thus my delusions, confusion and self-dishonesty.

After walking some years of Self-forgiveness, I was postponing to head on to topics, which I believed to be ‘great’, ‘huge’, ‘difficult’, and I am sure the word and all my memories, associations and beliefs, desires and fears about it – and how I defined all of this in relation to the ‘size’ of this point to be honest about – that LOVE is the most difficult one, so I postponed until I could.

Currently walking into responsible life-partnership and I found myself being comfortable to hear, say and express LOVE as never before.

I even projected out my self-dishonesties about it towards my previous partners, and as they do not walk the very specific, disciplined and extremely effective Desteni I Process online course and structured awareness-support tools, they just could not understand why I have difficulty in relation to any form of connection to LOVE.

Nowadays I find myself much-much more grounded and trust-able in terms of what I decide and say, I will do, which is in a way also related to how to LIVE words, so that they are powerful, not just empty words, because if I say so, I do so as well.

So when I posted today pictures about my LOVED ONES – I specifically found myself comfortable and ready, open and stable about it to see/realize and understand what I mean by really LIVING these words, not as a feeling, as self-interest, as energy, as consciousness personality patterns, but actually bringing into reality of how I am re-defining of how to live LOVE.

I’ve been looking this word since quite a long time, even by investigating the context and story of Jesus, as ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself’, or ‘Give as you would like to receive’, which is a great support when I could become uncertain about how to relate or interact with others, or hey: even myself!

Many people forget this point that I should love myself, and many just say or assume they do, but it’s also a question of ‘what it actually and really means to love?’

Support:

Instead of focusing to a generically defined ‘overwhelming experience’ – how about to look at specifying self-expression?

Instead of focusing to the attraction experience itself toward my partner, which is about actually myself, focus to what actions, interactions, communications I initiate, move, direct and share in physical reality.

I mean, it’s common sense – any love which is only within my bucket of feelings – is meaningless and ONLY the action, the manifested consequence, what actually involves others can be real.

So, when couples keep saying ‘I love you’ all the time and they do not openly and honestly communicate, when there is spite, unsaid, unheard expectation, judgement, it’s better to talk about it and get to practical agreement and conclusion, otherwise any reoccurring thought-feeling-emotion pattern would just grow within the individual(s), thus the thought, word and action of Love is not exactly the same and that’s problem, a separation.

So, when I say LOVE – I check, if I am unified within thought, word and deed, what is common sense, what should be priority, how to manifest it and am I doing everything I can within the principles I’ve committed myself to exist in relation to myself, my family and the whole world?

Is there any hidden agenda, fear, uncertainty, judgement or desire what makes me think or feel automatically, and within those moments I am not fully present, directive and actually self-honest?

And it’s normal if something comes up, in relation to past, or in the present, or even about the future, this does not mean to live like a monk with being extremely focused all the time, like stretching a muscle to not fall out from presence – that’s also indication of resistance, fear for a reason – again: self-dishonesty.

Just to be able to open up a point when appears, while not fall into it, from stability and reliability to reactions and in case of I can’t re-align, forgive and solve it, I communicate, I ask for support, openly, honestly and directly.

For me walking DIP Agreement Course for more than a year literally meant to be able to learn a lot about myself, as everyone wants to establish love and partnership, relationship and agreement with a nice partner, but it actually starts with Self: to know myself enough, to answer what I really want, honestly, what parts, personalities, wants and fears within me I accept and allow and what of those are the points of self-dishonesty and how can I sort them out?

For instance jealousy – it can literally kill relationship and marriage. So how can I establish an agreement with myself first on how to deal with it in case of it would appear? And then I investigate what is this within me – before even having a partner, or if I already have, still, working on this point before the ‘thing’ would ‘happen’.
And I agree on what to do, how to solve it, how I stand and what is self-honest – BEFORE an emotional shit-storm would hit me and I would be overwhelmed, distracted and completely preoccuppied.

It’s just an example of how to work with agreement and my responsibility is my ‘loved ones’ and family, yes, but primarily is to be able to establish and live the same with myself first, as this might sound strange, to have relationship with myself, but exactly it is what can support, so when difficulties come, I am prepared and I can remain stable within the ‘love’ and ‘family’.

In a way – it’s maybe easier and more simple and direct to sort out when it’s about myself. For instance: although jealousy might 2 people’s point to solve, it’s something I accept within myself, therefore it’s entirely my responsibility to solve and in a way it does not matter how the other behaves. I still can establish what I accept and allow, or what we agree on and what to expect then, but it must be very clear communication to prevent any unforeseen and thus automatically escalating issue. Or to have an agreement between me and my partner on how to solve not yet agreed upcoming issues.

The thing is that if I rely to emotions and feelings of love to keep the relationship/marriage together, then I am actually relying to something what is not Self – as the happy feelings can come and go, and without those energies if I can’t remain stable and reliable, then I am just a rag doll in the wind. Especially if I don’t understand how and why feelings are within me in relation to the relationship, the other participant.

So, by looking the word love and what’s behind it within me, how to ensure that I stick to the ‘plan’ of Living and sharing my Love the best way possible, the purification and re-definition of the word itself is suggested.

Consider what are the conditions of your love towards your ‘loved ones’? Is there any? What is unconditional within it and what do you think why?

If I fear that the happy feeling would disappear when I would start asking these questions, because this might mean doubt, then I also should ask the question: Do I fully understand how a thought, an emotion or a feeling is being created, experienced, reacted to within my mind? What can I trust and why?

To think that all of my mind, thoughts and feelings are just good as they are ‘automatically’, that my family’s education, the world system’s imprinting was just perfect, so I am already the best version of myself and no need, no place for improvement – then I am maybe not honest with myself. Again, for a reason, what should be understood.

Enjoy, love, share:

Tala Joseph