Day 346 – Standing up as LIFE

IMG_9174Ok, I have found a deeper point and thus real solution to my fear, worry and emotional instability issues. Its pretty awesome.

I have been working on the redefinition of the word: LOVE – it takes some time and one would ask why to redefine words, aren’t they just fine? Not necessarily if I go up and down with emotions, worry and hope, conviction or doubt, fear and desire and it’s all just like a roller-coaster – then it’s an indication of that my ‘program code’ of my words to live out are not ‘optimal’, neither for me and others – thus a re-evaluation, often a decomposition and re-alignment, re-definition is required within self-honest investigation.

Do I live the words as I define them, as I want to live them, is that really the best for me and others how I live them?

I had to admit, for me, many words are ‘contaminated’ with fear, polarity of self-interest-based positive and negative associations, desire, doubt, hope and a lot of memories about what went wrong.

Humans have the tendency to have a LOT in the mind, and often what can happen is that what I think is not the same as what I say and also not the same of what I do. And that’s a problem, because it shows the split, the separation and distortion among aspects of myself as wanting different than saying and doing, and thus my words have no much power.
If I think that my crazy, worrying, doubtful, desiring thoughts are not related to reality, to who I actual become, then I must be a fool – it’s the same analogy, when someone thinks it’s overpriced when TV asks ten million dollars for 10 seconds of advertisement during the biggest sport game broadcast. No. Words – and images have influence and relevance. What does this mean?

If I have doubtful thought, abusive, or worrysome – it is influencing my beingness, my actions and reality’s greatest law does the rest: accumulation. Everything accumulates, from smallest bits up to world-changing forces. 1+1=2. This is the greatest force and I can apply it to my own participation to words and actions as well. Accepting a doubtful thought, just once every day – will have fruit one day manifesting real doubt.

That’s why I focus on specific words, what are relevant in my life, to check, what this word means, what says the dictionary, how can I live it without polarity, without self-interest, how could I live this that is best for others around me and myself too – and thus to ensure that I am not giving chance to doubt, self-judgement and fear when living this word.

So, since I have started new relationship with someone months ago, I have been looking this word: LOVE from multiple angles.

What is my starting point is How to live REAL LOVE, what is not superficial, not of the mind, not of energies, feelings, emotions, but something deeper, something more lasting and more ‘physical’ in terms of actions should speak louder than thoughts or words.

Within our group, as it’s referred – Desteni – (as we are taking our destiny into our own hands) – there are some Principles as guideline starting points to support self-reflection of who I should accept myself to be and become. About LOVE I quote:

The Principle of Making Love Real – Nurturing and honouring the utmost potential in every individual (including myself) wherein love is not a feeling or emotions, but an action that is lived by doing whatever is necessary to support without compromising myself or the other – without fear of “losing” the relationship or the feelings associated to love, and without accepting or allowing less than my own or my partner’s utmost potential.
(more at : http://desteni.org/about-us#anchor-BLOCK_8432 )

What I am defining:
Within my actions I should live love as care, as support, as To Give as I would like to receive.

Love can be deception, delusion, distraction and total selfishness as well but just as any words, love as a word is not the problem here, but my relationship with it, the definition and the way of how I try to manifest and live it in this world.

My realization is not new, however within focusing recently a bit too much on the word LOVE, for a looooong moment, I disregarded the concept, meaning, principle of LIFE.

Bernard Poolman once raised the question: What would you choose? Love or Life? What these do actually mean?

Within seeking the experience and pursuit of LOVE – I submit to fear, fear of loss and fear of fear.

Within Standing up as Life – I stand as Equality and Responsibility as Do onto others as would like others to do onto me.

I was within worry and fear, thus I was unable to really LIVE LOVE, as I was afraid that fear permeated into my perception and expression.

I was within the temptation of Fear and Love, while I am currently re-aligning, re-standing up as Life, as Equality, thus I can become equal with worry and fear and thus STOP it as part of myself, reunited into and as myself.

This is the best practical way to stop worry and fear, to let go the old definition of emotion-based Love and Stand up as Life as thus re-defining how to live Real Love as Life. Cannot be more simple as this.

Within LOVE – I choose Oneness with those who I love, god, family, friends, etc

however

As LIFE – I express Equality, with all.

It’s really simple common sense.

My worry was originated from my emotion-based definition of relationship and love.

I focus to Principle as LIFE as Give as I would like to receive.

If I worry of my love and feelings will not help, last, matter, I am in fact within self-interest, thus re-alignment is required, to let go what I fear and desire and to stand up to and as ALL LIFE EQUALLY. Absolutely mindblowing.

If this seem like some semi-street-wise spiritual mumbo-jumbo, it is not. It’s pretty practical:

I was trying to stop worry and fear and somewhere I knew that these are just symptoms, I kept sorting them out but they kept coming back and a week ago I had to realize that I am starting to live out a nightmare and after applying self-forgiveness and listening an interview with Bernard Poolman about Angels and Demons and Love and Life – and what I have mentioned within my last blog: Waking Up from a Living Nightmare from EQAFE – I just snapped out of this emotional possession and the re-alignment and relief was quite instant. Still can creep back some worry, but then I vigorously re-align as Principle as Life and from that perspective, I do not need love, I do not worry, I do not fear, but to see what I can directly DO and ACT based on common sense.

If someone does not want me or to be with me – it’s fine – I am Life, how could any worry help with that anyway?
What I can do to change that – should I change it, what happened and why? I investigate, with common sense and if that’s the other’s decision – as I look if all I did, am still doing and going to do to LIVE my openness to the other and then if I really see – did I do all I could and the other still would not want it – I gotta let it go and focus to what’s ahead.

Worry and fear is a sin. Not as sins are real, but in terms of self-honesty: fear is self-dishonesty. Leads to accumulate and manifest things not the best for me and/or all either.

If someone needs support and I worry that things would go wrong – I re-align and purify myself first, and then to look what I can do and committing myself to do all I can. See – if there is place for worry – I am not doing all I could, thus re-alignment is required.

I don’t say Love is bad, I rather re-align my definition of Love as Life! Not limiting but embracing, not fearing but freeing up and let it Live in Physical Action, not just as a feeling, an emotion, but as Living Word.

If people decide to share their life with each other – mutually – that is Life – their love, from both individuals should be the Living Action, not feelings and worries. If Fear is accepted within anyone – that is poisonous and should not be accepted.

Trust is also relevant in this context – what do I choose to trust within? Why would I choose anything other than self directly here? Any entity, definition or force which is not equalized as me as equal as one with and as myself in and as this physical reality seems like a distraction as influences my ability to see directly what’s here – to be able to apply the best practical solution for the problems I encounter.

In a way – what is also an interesting point to open up – that by falling into worry – I had this belief that it’s the way to show that I care, as I value something so much, that within that self-created relationship – I value the thing I value more than value myself as Life here, and that relationship can have condition and that condition can change, thus come and go, and within that – I am dependent, I am relying, I am controlled. That also self-separation through fear. Should not be self-allowed, but self-corrected instantly at it’s appearance within.

Let me clarify – to step out of this halo of love energy into real action – directly, with self-moving awareness, step by step – can also bring up a sort of resonant fear – as I face literally the UNKNOWN – of and as Self – but it’s encouraging to discover that there is something much-much greater beyond Love energy and it is LIFE.

And to stand up as all as life as equal as one as me, it’s individual expression – I can not fall or really die as I am equal with creation and that is where the real deal starts to make sense and the true understanding of existence can start to reveal.

I will continue to explore this and I am grateful for all who support me with embracing or rejection, sharing or disregarding, love or hate – it makes sense and I continue to walk through all fear and worry, self-dishonesty and doubt.

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Day 343 – Sadness and blame – Self-forgiveness

IMG_3488Continuing with the realizations and self-correction of my process of suppression, emotional outburst, followed with sadness and loss experience.

For context, this is my last post, where started to open up my emotional and blaming fear.

These Self-forgiveness sentences are what I wrote first – notice that in overall the point I apply self-forgiveness to is my experiences, how I feel, and still blaming the other in somewhat hidden way to justify how I feel:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad, confused, anxious and somewhat traumatized as she rejected and left me, removed my contact from social networks and basically burned up all bridges to even reconnect. (was not true, but I felt like in that time)
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid to put out so much trust, work, hope and expectation to the future with a person who with we had great experiences and plans, but in reality it turned out to be not lasting, and I see the tendency to go into self-judgement and doubt and not realizing that it’s not only myself who is responsible for what is happening, but both of us and I have no influence, power, or even actual understanding of what the other thought, felt as was not mutual sharing since quite some time.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect the other to open up and communicate with me within my belief that it’s also her commitment that solve any conflict or misunderstanding within herself and ourselves as well, and within seeing the lack of it myself to become very direct and not considering that I stopped sharing gentleness and kindness, because of feeling hurt and fear of loss.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the solution, simplicity and common sense to want to process, solve, remove and transcend, while in fact there is initiative and opportunity to MOVE and DIRECT, EXPRESS and LIVE, and wanting to wallow into experiences and then wanting to clean myself up instead of just – not going “there”, but to start doing something which is here in my direct reality, meanwhile if I am distracted or not present, I apply self-forgiveness and self-corrective statement, self-commitment to come back here and let go the strive to go into conflict and judgement again and again and again, which is fear of letting go, even the fear itself.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself today as I had a laugh within which I was forgetting what happened, happens with me and then saying to myself ‘well, I should not feel good, horrible things just happened, so let’s just go back to be sad’ – and within that not realizing the self-abuse and self-punishment.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I got obsessive with reading my emails I send to the other to clarify or try to open up and communicate about points I saw as relevant to discuss about, while the other as communicated, ‘got shocked’ and completely shut down and decided to immediately end any contact with me, which then shocked me as well.

Writing already supported – to slow down, to not only decide but actually do start to forgive and correct myself, thus it’s really important to do it as soon as possible, instead of just fall into storms of emotions, which eventually everyone will realize – kind of waste of time and totally uncool experience. So when I wrote this, I was able to see that this is just the surface and going to continue with (for)-giving myself the understanding to see it more clearly and to realize of what could have done better.

I literally give for myself the opportunity to own all of my past, present and future.

And I move from what I did towards why I did:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt within the other not wanting to communicate with actual calls, but only with texting while I kept missing and longing for actual voice calls, and even when asked for it the other refused to do so and especially feeling hurt in the fact that after all of what we went through together, she did not even bother to tell me in call, just writing me good bye letter without asking or clarifying further. And within all of this focusing only to my feelings, not considering how she could have felt or experienced within this and also not considering that probably it’s the best she sees she can do now and I should respect it, understand it as if I would be in her place and would want to just end it all, then this was very effective.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak up or directly communicate when I already noticed the change within the nature of our communication and I thought that maybe I overreact, maybe it’s just me missing out, being lonely, while all I did was suppressing the point, not communicating, not purifying from within as well, so now cannot be known if it was relevant, practical or fear-related consideration.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel misunderstood and hurt when the other states that she thinks that I am within this relationship for profit and benefit plus advantages and within that realizing that what she perceives of me is completely different from how I experience or perceive, and within that trying to share my starting point to ensure that the other understands it, to be able to let go this fear but within that taking her worry personally and wanting to speak spicy or emotionally charged.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I had, experienced or hoped for was ‘true and real love’ – meanwhile not realizing that it was my hope and desire and I wanted to see it within the thing I was participating in my mind and when I felt it did burst as a bubble with the ‘good bye email’ – I experienced confusion and sadness, as seeing my bubble burst and to see what’s real behind it – myself with my hope and fear of loss – and focusing to the loss of what was not real – as I could have instead of seeing what is here, and still remains real within this all: the movement, the expansion, and still the possibility to step up, own and correct it and also the dedication and mistakes, the missed opportunities, to keep learning, changing and growing.

Next day I was writing again, starting with overall experiences and then right into self-forgiveness.

Also possible to expand towards understanding the other participant’s view, experiences, motivation, action with Self-forgiveness.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to look to the other person’s view, who might saw this as too heavy drama, blame and expectation, to be too busy and demanding, emotional and untrustworthy, and within that not realizing that the things I write indeed indicated that I am disappointed, frustrated and uncertain, meanwhile in fact wanted to communicate that this is what I am currently working through and it might not have to be shared but within that to see the hope I try to rely to, of ‘what if’ I could have not sent that email, then all would be fine, and not realizing that the very existence of that email was actual consequence of all not being fine in the first place.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope and fight for get back what I feel losing, and not letting it go unconditionally and focus to what is in front of me, here in this moment, today.
  • I breathe, I apply self-forgiveness and I expand, I grow and focus on releasing this emotional charge from my human physical body and with that also to practically learn and become able to let this go and focus to what’s here, what’s next and not go into desire, hope, sadness or fear and whenever would go – to realize it was the other persons’ decision, thus I trust that it is the best for her which indeed, in fact always was, and will be a priority to respect and support.

On the upcoming day I was able to more and more focus to the sadness experience with prevention and correction, and started to anchor myself further back here with the support of previously ‘walked’ realizations.

  • I commit myself to stop blaming, I commit myself to stop feeling sad, I commit myself to stop judging myself for what I have done or have not done and I commit myself to focus to what’s ahead, here, next, present.
  • I commit myself to make effort understand the other part’s motivation, experience and understanding.
  • I commit myself to anchor myself into and as physical presence with clear and effective, self-directed and practical mind.
  • I commit myself to communicate with gentleness and the way I would like to be communicated to.
  • I commit myself to recognize the effect of acting based on fear as manifesting it, thus to stop participate within any fear and to stop, forgive, write it down, remember it and recognize the trigger points, the existing self-dishonest relationships with specific words within my mind to be aware of, work with and be able to disengage, release.

These were just samples of the actual written Self-forgiveness, as some are personal points, and some are kind of repetitive, but further specification of the personal points to understand further and more precisely.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to ask the question what I am missing here, why I am surprised, what I can do to solve this in the way I really want – which is to correct myself, let go emotions and fear and focus to what can be done to make the other become aware that I made mistake which I am really correcting and thus offering her to re-consider her decision about our communication and relationship.

Eventually I was able to write a letter to the person wherein I take responsibility for all I did and what I have done wrong and why from my perspective, how should I have done and also to express my gratitude and respect for all we shared and grew together.

The other person recognized the process I have walked, also opened up additional points to share with me about the whole topic we ‘danced around’ and she also explained that there are things what better to keep to self as maybe it’s temporally, yet the pain what can cause with sharing would remain.

Very wise. Indeed, really learned the lesson and committing myself not do do this again – with anyone: to put out my doubt, worry, fear as emotional storm. My responsibility to clarify within self first, then to see what’s supportive and how to share that. So.
Also possible, if both parties are agreeing to – by recognizing – ‘hey, this and that is emerging, we should clarify things – in respective sharing and motivation’. Big difference, which I did not apply as I focused to my experiences of reacting to what I got back as feedback, and within that – I saw my fear within and I got afraid even further when seeing exactly the one thing happening, what I was afraid of – not by coincidence, but my ‘attitude’. Important to realize – when things seem dire and totally uncool – I might see my fear projected out and still there are things to do, or at least to try – instead of stopping to move, express, share and live – to just storm emotions within until they take over and I sit onto the blame-train to just rush, wherever it’s rails would lead me to.

On the next day I continued to open up sadness – and the overwhelming experience of it –  as it was kind of a fear of loss, a give up – not real give up – just a momentary emotion took over and until the energy lasted, I was trying to cope with the loss I perceived – but all was not real – and had to realize that sadness is OK for a moment, if it’s an expression, a living direction – but as an experience, an emotion, a mood – it’s just self-dishonesty.

What is ‘dangerous’ here is that within that fearful experience – I perceive that it is real, and based on that I react and act – and thus I solidify my relationship with a perception, which might not be real, but the more I participate within this pattern, the more it actually becomes. This is a key to each human to recognize about fear. I manifest my worst fear if I give into it.

It is Self-manipulation and Self-sabotage. Thus to forgive this too is common sense:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that if I allow sadness, as an emotion, a mood to cloud me – it’s not self-expression, it’s not self-direction, self-movement, but it’s a give up, a doubt, a failure due to fear experience, due to self-judgement, which is self-dishonest, and instead of investing into reactions, emotions, rather to still look to what I can do to correct my mistakes or if not, then to ensure how never to make them again and to move on.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that sadness and loss experience is a form of giving up, accepting what I perceive as final, because in a pattern of reality, I see my fear to manifest and I react to my fear, superimposed to facts, thus I cannot see what’s here, and within that give up – I give into the opposite of my utmost potential, justified with the perception of already seeing what can happen as worst, and not looking to see options to change the outcome, and within that not asking why not.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give up and become sad about it, and not being honest about it with myself that I am actually sad, because I give up and I am powerless about giving up, and feeling the thing I fear losing as lost, meanwhile it’s only lost within my perception of inflated fear in my mind, and in this sense, I give up what’s real to manifest my fear.
  • I forgive myself hat I have not realized that if I react with sadness – it means I am giving into the self-acceptance of powerlessness, thus it’s an indication of self-dishonesty and the need to step back and re-align with absolute self-honesty to see: it’s not about the other person, but about my giving up and trying to do it as I don’t know about it but if I really slow down within and look at it – I can discover, understand that all I experience, feel, react to and do or don’t do – all: I do, myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the same way as I give into give up and sadness, I also can direct myself to stop lye to myself and start becoming honest, no matter how brutal it might feel, but the first step is to align with reality and facts, and all the pain and reaction of suffering I go through meanwhile – is the realization of how much I took refugee within delusions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have blamed the other, projected doubt and fear to other, meanwhile with my sadness and un-named giving up experience, I was, who went into doubt and used the other’s behavior to justify this and feed into my fear, so then I can keep fearing to lose what is important.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within my decision to stand, to do, to act – is only myself and whatever and whenever I experience any emotional reaction – is all my responsibility – noone can make me disappointed, but myself, and within this to realize that I am not aware of how I am actually responsible for each and every single inner reaction and outer action I experience, participate within or express.

I can do whatever I want, but if I lie to myself – my whole life becomes a lie – everyone can have relationship with anyone, but if they lie to themselves in any way whatsoever meanwhile, that’s their responsibility – with themselves first – as then that is manifested in relation not only self but to the other as well, and then to blame is easy, but hurtful and actually not fair as all starts and stops with self.

Also the ‘I do whatever I want just never to lie to myself‘ – might sound like some Ayn Rand type of egoistic individualist rant – but in fact not, as if I am really-really honest with myself – I can’t lie about the fact of if I do bad things to others, then it’s in overall bad – which by I mean that I would not like to be done to myself for instance and as we are living in a closed system, everything goes around and only the uneducated minds do not realize that. So yes, I can do whatever I want, but also considering others as me as equals – otherwise I am not honest, but on a fake mind-trip. Equals, in the sense of walking same process, just with different situations, points, advantages, disadvantages, but the same type of Self-honesty we all face and should live.

That’s why everyone should be absolutely and very specific about to be honest with self all the time! That’s much more difficult than it sounds due to the preconditioning and imprinting of spoiled civilization norms and the accumulated consequence of endless times existing within self-dishonesty.

In a way, that’s why Process comes first – how would I want to love anyone until I can’t understand and live love to the person, who is always here: myself. I can ‘practise’ – ‘study’, ‘test’ and ‘learn’ how to understand and support this person, who is always here – with me: myself. Relationship with self – sounds weird at first – but if we look at it – everyone already has relationship with their mind, body for instance.

If I direct every movement, every word, if I write, keep diary/blog, to decompose mind-patterns and to decide what is supportive, what is not, what to expand with, what to stop: That’s practical love. Loving self is not ego, neither selfishness – those who are full of ego or ‘themselves’ – they are not really loving themselves, they are lost in the echo chamber of their mind, resulting with losing real connection, real empathy, real response-ability with others – that is not love, that is just evolution of the mind with the starting point of fear.

So, when being in relationship with someone – in a way – does not matter what type of relationship – to take responsibility for myself, to be able to stand – first – and then to share and care what’s relevant – thus literally expand myself with the same principles – well, technically, there is no separation then – as just self-expansion within living this practical, real, grounded, ‘physical’ love.

Physical, meaning cross-referenced with facts, actual, in this world, system-support. Not meant physical love as sex – although that also can be part of it, but in a very specific type of relationship. Just mentioning this not to be misunderstood of the phrase ‘physical love’.
It means practical, grounded, reliable, stable and clear – just like the matter around us, or our body, the breath – in relation to the mind – this is good start to cross-reference to assist and support with self-directing letting go delusions, fears, convictions, beliefs.

Taking out the garbage, dishwashing, cleaning the toilet, or taking initiative on something around the living area, house and own the responsibility reliably, to get problems or things to do from the other and solve it by myself, to remain consistent, to not get moody, to be able to listen and notice small things – these are just examples on what one can find about physical love – action on earth, what matters.

When one does not get immediate emotional energetic stimulation reward for things to do, those things are what can be de-prioritized, judged as inferior, mundane, not enjoyable – but its not true. Its all in my head and I can re-align perception to whats really best for all participants – in the house, family, etc. It’s the actual details one has to go into to find out what practical love could really mean, not the emotional love drama as in the movies. In the movies they don’t even go to toilet(or if they do, get killed probably in a morbidly strange way) —  its not real 🙂 , but what I do today, here is.

See – it’s tough – maybe just for me, maybe for others too – to engage on decomposing and re-defining the word love, especially as I have quite some years already with experiences, mistakes, falls, stand ups, memories, of some I have already walked with Self-forgiveness to change in relation to – and towards some: not yet and definitely going to – directly or just would come up in relation to some situation.

After all, I was able to apologize to the other person for my doubt, my fear, my worry and wanting attention and clarification, guarantee and to cling onto feelings and energies and to stick to practical living – it always depends on the type of relationship people are within, and in this situation: what we agreed on, what we meant by that, how we felt about it, what did we share about it and what we actually did.

Also important point – did she acted the best way possible? Could she also have extended to ‘save’ this? Certainly. It was up to her and was overwhelmed with extremely important things thus in that moment decided not to. It’s ok. This process here is about what I can take responsibility for and as I go along the way – I trust myself on what I accept and allow within my relationship – with myself – and other too. And in this sense, it’s my decision if I am still ok with her stepping out from this. I mean, if would be no mutual support and commitment and real action towards solutions and growth, then I’d obviously re-evaluate my commitment. Just sharing this point to others about when if someone would face a relationship what does not seem supportive at all and not everyone stands on the same side so to speak.

But here with this person I reacted and worried about, we do stand on the same side, and had to learn about expanding communication and self-responsibility this way.

It’s quite a difference from what I wrote first, what caused the ‘stirring in the water’ – and if I could have started like this, would have been such difference.

As I saw a potential of an outcome and I judged it and felt bad about it and focused to that option, what I did not like – and thus feeding it – instead of to see what I can do, to change the outcome with fall into reactions and stop moving.

But to be able not to react – often one has to forgive the already self-accepted patterns and automatic behaviour of being reactive – and for being able to change/stop that – one must understand it’s details to the utmost specificity. Not some magic mantra, if someone says it a million times, as believing that it would help with some vibration of universal love – that’s pretty much the definition of delusion. What I mean is to exactly be able to describe everything happened within self and in reality with words – to see the whole scenario as clear as possible – understanding motives, reasons, starting points and context – and thus to see what’s the source, the origin – and what was the trigger point. When next time would come, I see BEFORE activates, thus I can PREVENT my nasty, worried, emotional self to act out. This is a skill, can be learned and be effective with it, just like with riding a bike or learning language. It’s very specific and tedious process, but it works, no doubt. Worthy of every moment to spend time with, I guarantee.

This is – after – some time passed – my ‘new’ Self-forgiveness point to be added to the topic, what I have realized about it since then:

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I got stuck in a pattern, which I defined as something predictable, safe and hopeful, and when the pattern did not play anymore, I got worried, that this means – CHANGE means – bad as it leads to unknown, which is scary as within the darkness of unknown, I fear that the worst I can imagine would wait for me, thus not only hesitating to step into, but also fearing to acknowledge it, and triggering a frustration and sadness and not realizing I literally got afraid of my own mind-shadow, which made me try to run away while blaming the other.

– quite interesting.

Self-forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts any human can ever apply, as it can be directed to various types, forms and shapes of problems to understand more, to become more responsible and effective by becoming aware of the points one faces with the starting point of self-honesty and focus to practical understanding and self-directed change.

Any frustration, limitation, conflict or fear surfaces within me – I apply self-forgiveness to give the opportunity for myself to understand this point, to be able to cross-reference the factors and to see what’s real, relevant and supportive. And from that point of view – what I feel or being convinced about – should be re-evaluated with fully available information and understanding.

I will continue on an other point I have realized about being non-reactive and what I mean by that in a self-honest way and keep expanding on the realizations and self-forgiveness(to further specify and correct of what I wrote here) to support myself to keep walking from self-interest, fear and delusion to practical and living love.

Until that – consider this free online course if you have not yet walked it – can really support to understand human consciousness, yourself and others more:

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 340 – Emotions and Self-honesty

IMG_0898After yesterdays blog, I might have opened up Pandora’s box within myself as today I was quite emotional. (Well, before yesterday)

It’s rare thing for me, most of my life I’ve lived with perfecting suppressing emotions, but I am actually stopping as proven to be not the best approach(obviously), which might mean I do find myself within reactions.

I start with clarifying – within DIP online courses emotions are the negative-related energetic experiences, such as fear, worry, jealousy, hate, sadness, etc, while feelings are the positive ones, such as happy, excitement, etc.

Neither of them is bad or good, they are simply put: tools for expression. The self-dishonesty about these is that when they come and go ‘automatically’ and I am the puppet, when I am actually giving permission to get emotional, angry, sad, ‘fall into love’ or become obsessed with happy feelings, etc.

The practical approach within learning on how to LIVE words directly(instead of being influenced, stimulated by) is to redefine my relationship and meanings in relation to self-honesty and considerations of all participants of my reality here. Example: Instead of wanting to experience joy, I answer the question of ‘How can I Live Enjoyment?’.

Thus, it is Self-movement I live, not going through experiences and reacting, bouncing, conflicting through.

So, my commitment to stop suppressing emotions is about to break the following habit:

  • I experience/see/think of something what I have judgement about, somewhat memory, association, personal involvement.
  • I react with the judgement, I feel a certain energetic experience
  • I recognize that I am moving away from ‘center’ as this emotion would start to overwhelm me
  • I suppress the emotion, just ‘swallow it’, ‘push it down’ with a single inner movement, saying ‘go away’
  • I am here, clear, kind of logical, focused, stable again

This can happen quite automatically, part of my personality, in fact pretty fast, if I am not present and aware, I do not even notice that I am doing it.

There are various layers of why this became ‘normal’ for me – but mostly because I recognized that I am quite impaired and limited, less effective and compromised to apply logic and common sense when I am overwhelmed with emotions related to fear.
Kind of a weakness as I have defined it, thus better to spend time within this kind of states the least possible.

So instead of facing the fear, understanding it’s reality-related connection, I just want it to go away, instead of solving it’s origin.

Within my ‘culture’ – also to be a ‘man’ – means not to get ‘soft’ but strong, rigid and solid all the time, and with emotions I felt more vulnerable, unpredictable and unstable, so pretty early I decided not to spend too much time within emotional states, thus suppression, as ‘swallowing’ the reaction, suffering, doubt and fear became my second nature.

What I have not realized, seen and understood before, is that each and every emotion suppressed is not going anywhere, but stays with me, accumulates and creates layers, blocks and another level of automatic personality behaviour within me, and the top of that, once reached some kind of limit, I just can’t hold it anymore, kind of exerting it out, without any direction, control or power over it, regardless of situation, company or consideration. And that is quite a problem.

So, that’s why I am walking DIP PRO course, writing this blog, applying self-forgiveness, to understand myself more and prevent suppressing, but solving problems, so no need to judge, react, go into inner thinking mode – as whenever I do so – I am not acting, because of doubt, fear, confusion, resistance, and when I do not act and move in reality, I internalize, I suppress, and that is a sign of facing a point and remaining within self-dishonesty.

Thus the responsibility point presents itself what I take and work with. The DIP course is invaluable within supporting and I have changed so much in the last couple of years and this blog and overall expansion and stability of mine is in a way already a living proof, yet it’s still a process, thus I keep walking the course and this blog as well.

Within the last years, especially since ended my last, quite hectic and conflicting partnership some years ago, these emotional states became less intense, I must say I was and am much-much more stable and present.

Within the current partnership I am, since quite some months, I am having experiences I never had before, more direct enjoyment, trust, sharing and opening up with myself and ‘my’ lady, and more and more I push myself to become vulnerable, feel more, let go of fear and distrust and be completely open. It is great and eternally grateful I am as step by step learning to live without doubt and fear, sometimes still stumbling but in overall this process is good.

So, in a nutshell, this is in relation to suppressing my emotions and years of walking this process allows me to trust, even when something not so comfortable or nice experience comes, as more and more I have a direct reference of how it is when I am physically here, and that becomes my foundation, where to I return from the storms my self-conditioned mind still sometimes creates.

Today was another of these storms I see now, and in a way I created it, but also it was flooding me at the same time.

The recent experiences I am going through also added to it and accumulated me to intensify certain emotions, which are uncertainty and sadness, loneliness and sorrow.

The main triggering point was that I have finished watching – well, through the last days, today ‘The Leftovers’ TV series. Without spoiling, it is a great show, if someone is interested in the deeper psychology of people, who had great traumas and those still influencing their lives to the point of very sad and insane moments from time to time.
The initial interest in it was not this topic for me, but ‘writer of Lost’ and ‘mystery’ and quality in overall, but through the seasons I found this profound value of the characters change and interaction.

The rhythm, the balance; the artistic expression combined with the great actors performance, the exceptional music – it was very emotional, – within each episode, well composed to have these peak moments, when I just had these tearful moments until the end of the whole season and closure, when I reached this total emptiness and sadness, sorrow and what I associated with it is the reality of each human individual’s constant and consistent exposure to traumatic experiences throughout our entire lives and how much that influences, compromises us, humans to do what could be best for all.

I had very busy months behind, each day, committed to do specific things and that gave me purpose, and looks like my commitment and consistent application soon fruits it’s result in the planned way, however today I was at the point of nothing more to do, yet the outcome is not yet fully manifested, and thus all of a sudden I feel empty, nothing moves me, but I also do not move either.

I know I should, also that I will, but what came was that I want to be in this emptiness, to see what’s still within the depths of me to face who I was, to embrace, to let go and focus to move on.

What did not happen with me since maybe a decade, I skipped hydrating today, usually I am drinking liters of water, and I was not hungry. Thus, I recognized that I am not in sync with my physical, so I fried a pre-made pizza, I ate, still was not hungry, but once started eating, I started to ‘come down’ with this emotional state.

Also chatted with my lady, did not want to share how I feel but we have trust and care, so decided to just concisely express myself and within writing it was another step assisting and supporting to see and recognize what I am experiencing and then become aware of how I have moved today with this whole time line of becoming emotional and started to step out of it. After drinking almost a litre water and still feeling thirsty, I finally recognized that I was kind of ‘out’ for a while and actually supporting my body, then resting more brought back and I was/am able to continue with more present, self-directive and considerate daily living.

I even could relate to some lsd acid trips, it was in a way similar experience, but not in the sense of effects, but the inner storm, ‘death’ and silence and exponentially(first slowly, then more and more directly) awakening.

In overall, I would say this was a long time emotion suppressing reaching it’s threshold to be triggered to need to be discharged and kind of exerting.

What was actually cool about it that I had no doubt that I get to stabilize soon, was no fear or even shame this time, and within crying I felt relief. Well, it was not actual sobbing, like I had in 2014 when after all struggles my ex girlfriend told me she would leave, then I was really crying for about a minute and then I was clear again.

This time was just crying, kind of submitting into the watched drama’s roller coaster, yet it was supporting in a way.

What I see here in this all as I could have done ‘better’ and will do in any case of similar ‘next time’ to anchor myself more to presence, to apply forgiveness WITHIN the storm, to accelerate self-stabilization.

Also I was not entirely certain to share it with my partner, as did not want to seem unstable or sad, but we are both very busy nowadays thus did not communicate much, so I felt better to share than to just stay quiet.

Let’s walk self-forgiveness to open up additional points towards practical solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress emotional experiences with which I can’t deal, control or stop influencing me to become unstable, and never realizing that suppressing means accumulating.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that with what I don’t learn to deal with in self-honesty, will keep controlling me and my life until I stand up and take responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself of what were the actual points, judgements and reactions I kept suppressing recently and thus accumulating to the point of exerting in a way what manifested in being moody, sad and worried and thus not being able to see what I participate within, or even prevent stepping into.

I forgive myself that I have not assisted and supported myself in the exact moment of ANY judgement, reaction or emotion I would manifest within myself with slowing down, re-aligning with physical presence and to be able to look at the point I am about to react to and suppress by believing that I can’t or do not have to deal with this right now, but will do later, or even thinking ‘I hope this will be solved, or my observation and suspicion would turn out to be not true’.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to exactly see the points with what I started to ‘have a relationship with’ as assumption, observation, belief and worry and first of all not solve it within myself, or if it is about to communicate with the person I am experiencing it relation to and I am clear on that I should engage communication with, then to do it in a way what is clear, concise and supportive for finding solution and agreement.

I will continue walking these points…

Day 326 – Desteni meeting in Europe

IMG_1833Some weeks ago I was in Brussels, where I met with a lot of people, who are, just like me, walking the process of Self-honesty and 7 years Journey to Life blogs. Most, if not all of these people are also walking the awesome online courses of Desteni I Process.

We were more than two dozens and many other Europeans still could not come, but it was already extraordinary to see and even hug so many people, who are behind these blogs I read and to just enjoy being with them, together.

Well, I knew some of them from previous meetups, but most of them I only knew from what they are sharing online through their blogs and vlogs, articles and videos on their social network profiles – just like me.

By the nature of these writings and videos, which is of self-realization, self-honesty, self-correction and self-forgiveness, the deeper understanding of what these individuals are dealing within their life, their mistakes, falls and standing ups, their secret mind, the points they do or do not like within themselves,  and this openness really supports to establish a more direct, honest and intimate communication as almost literally being able to read their minds can quite reveal the nature of their deeper selves, which naturally manifests a more honest relationship with them.

Because we could talk all day about the weather, but if about self and problems and solutions, then it is much less superficial and more real connection.

What becomes obvious quite immediately is that these are ‘every day’ people, they have a profession, a personal life, they talk, they smile, they hug and sharing a vast variety of expressions, quite naturally.

Everyone, literally anyone of this meeting I’ve talked with, I was able to have a direct, deep and meaningful conversation, often came to context of explaining an intimate point either something supporting, such as expansion or realization or a limitation, a fear, or something not so cool or a self-dishonesty and talking about how to approach a solution.

I could easily call this meeting as the opposite of superficial conversations as everyone was enjoying to become open and kind of brutally honest and it is something I value very much and I can experience it here and there back at home too, but within this ‘density’ I’ve never experienced before as at this meeting.

What became clear from the first moment is that all of us are walking through our own mind, self-dishonesty since quite some years, and we are realizing that although we each are walking completely different life path, also we are birthing the exact same quality of life force into physical expression. And this is like a real brotherhood without the blood-connection, but as a self-honesty, direct life-force connection.

Many claim that we exist as a cult, which always was, is and ever will be a ridiculous claim, and the exact proof for it was this meeting for anyone to realize that this is about simplicity, practical common sense and humbleness as we are able to see within each the same life potential as within ourselves. But to be able to honor that within others, first I have to uncover, purify and birth it to live myself.

There were a LOT of insightful conversations, also beings through the Portal with Sunette and shared points to consider, realize and live, such as realizing how ridiculous is to be mesmerized and stopped by fear of death, or to be able to own my own life and take authority on things I’ve went through and realized, manifested and lived.
It was very humbling experience to see everyone to get and even give direct support and how extraordinary and casual it was.
I’ve also got so more points to reflect back, cross-reference and work with to continue walking through and stopping inner resistances, self-limitations, self-definitions and energetic stimulations, which I am going to continue walk here.

The founder guy of this kind of expression, principle, movement was Bernard Poolman and many ‘followed’ him and when he passed away, a lot of individuals claimed that since then, Desteni is not the same, lost it’s edge, not really expanding.

I’d say, this meeting was the living proof for the exact opposite.

Many Europeans are walking their process of self-honesty and breath by breath, step by step, word by word they start to own their lives and become more clear and directive from within, expressed into the world, unified, unrestricted within the principle of equality and oneness as the starting point of what is best for all.

And that principle is so simple that many miss it as it is always here, just humans got accustomed to not being here in and as the physical flesh, as awareness but moved into mind consciousness energetic and systematic experiences and that process of awareness starts with (my)self here: what is best for me and my reality within absolute self-honesty? To stop being influenced, dragged down, limited by my past. Thus to work through that in this world, to share that process, to walk it unconditionally, that is an honor I am proud to witness and be able to participate within.

We are all going to die inevitably, that is a no-brainer and we do not have choice with that. Period.
But as who we are going to live as, and what consequences we are manifesting, what living example we show to our current and next generations – that is each and every single individual’s responsibility, and that is not a choice either. So better own that responsibility.

Big realization was also to see that it is not about when I am with ‘my kind of’ people, but actually, I can and should live the same way, talk to any other beings on earth equally open and direct, regardless if they do walk the same specific self-support course, technique, or not because what matters is self-honesty and practical awareness and responsibility, equally within everyone’s life.

Thus, this meeting have reminded me that organizing, connecting and sharing is power and I should not limit my self-expression about wanting to find or have the same starting point in relation to anyone, as that what I learn and express within this group, it is the same to be able to always live the same potential, regardless of who I am with, but simply: ‘as who I am’, period.

Day 305 – Integrity to establish

img_0961I always was fascinated about other humans, even though I was more of an introvert observer type, but until this day whenever I am alone among other strangers, such as being on a train or metro, airplane or at the doctor’s waiting room, to look at people and this inherent curiosity is part of my nature.

Somebody lent me a book about 2 years ago what contains types of people, of what personality types they can be categorized into and thus being able to have an overall description or prediction of them. This kind of books could never get my interest, because always believed that this type of boxing rather makes me not to see things by assuming a lot based on someone else’s observations and judgments.

It’s so easy to witness someone’s appearances, behavior and words to have a judgement, a category, to be able to put the person somewhere in my mind’s database, so then I can feel that I have a knowledge, what can be use to support me interacting with this person, but this can lead to self-limitation, thus I never liked to do so.

I always wanted to be free, probably, because I always felt myself being limited, by myself. Did reckless, irresponsible actions in order to break through my delusions, enslavement, but it’s not about intensity, the more I fight, the more I lose as well, thus it’s common sense to stop fighting and for a moment to allow sinking in of what I have accepted and allowed to become without judgement. To see as clearly as possible without any category, pattern or type.

What I do since some years is decomposing the patterns my mind constitutes and one of the most important realizations is that most of these patterns I am not aware of yet I behave, judge, decide according to them and I’d say I am someone who could be defined as spontaneous and thoroughly profiling people, kind of embracing their presence first before having to say something about them in relation to others, yet still noticing judgments, definitions, reactions coming up at time.

Walking the  Desteni I Process online course made me reveal that I am about 99.999% driven by judgments and patterns, reactions brought here from my past and if I am not aware of these patterns, then  am totally identified by those, being equal and thus not even seeing these patterns, just thinking ‘I am me’.

Within a 10 minutes of conversation and interaction’s timeline, with one of the lesson’s assignment I was able to become aware of the fact that I’ve participated dozens of self-dishonesty within my thoughts, feelings and emotions, the words I spoke to the person I was with, the decisions I’ve made and the actions I did.

It’s quite shocking that almost every bit of movement I take in reality is tainted with ignorance, self-interest, self-dishonesty based on fear. But that knowledge is not supporting enough to break the cycle, I have to exactly, absolutely specifically be aware of these patterns, to what situation, to what trigger point I thought what, felt how and to become honest with myself of where I gave into the self-dishonesty.

I assumed, projected out, blamed, hoped, believed, expected, even though I was not aware of it.

And during a simple conflicting conversation with a person I became reactive too much, I got frustrated and angry and that made me convinced of a perception what caused me to distance myself from the person for a while, just because I felt righteous and reasonable in order to protect my interest.

Although within self-honesty, the event, the memory and experience came back sometimes and I felt conflicted about it, just somewhat I could not conclude that ‘it’s done the way it could not – I could not do better‘ – no. I felt like I overreacted, did not communicate and express myself clearly, I played being offended and not respected, although who I am today – after more than a year – I could have acted quite differently.
But we’ve spent(with my Desteni I Process course mentor/tutor/buddy) weeks to establish the timeline, to investigate my reactions and cross-reference with facts, to find what is in my past/memories what got me to be jumpy and why and to realize that I got afraid and here and there how and why I became afraid and to understand the whole dynamics of that reaction I’ve got carried away and made mistakes.

Although this was not a huge deal, not like the faith of countries, world history was at stakes, but within my reality, this was relevant and it’s supporting to consider that this can happen with anyone, including country and world leaders too, who has immerse responsibility and power, and if they become similarly reactive and overreacting, that can cost literally lives.

Each of those patterns I went through and applied self-forgiveness, written, said aloud to hear if there is any doubt, wavering within my sound expression by saying the specific words and that assisted me to become aware of these patterns much directly, thus if similar situation would present itself, I should become aware of these patterns and I would stop for a moment to recognize that ‘I’ve been here once and I was dishonest to myself, here I do not want to do it again, so I STOP, I change my starting point‘.

This also assisted me to re-connect with the person and to realize that the problem I experienced and reacted to was not really about her, of what she did, but rather I’ve faced my own demons just did not realize that and got into fight mode. Well, not physically, but with certain people, can escalate to actual aggression I am sure.
Also to add, although we’ve reconnected, spent time with each other, but honestly I’d say it’s still not the same as it was between us, and I do not feel sorry, or sad, just making a note to myself – and here to anyone reads it – those manifested consequences remain here and there are things for what there is no quick and easy fix, so the best cure is prevention. Not to go into automatic emotional reactions, especially if I can have the tendency to act out my fearful past personality traits.

What is also remarkable is that I was and I am able to re-wire my personality to great extent with this process and completely change my behavior, to free myself from my ‘karma‘ so to speak, a sort of self-liberation, what I hoped to ‘attain’ from my previous spiritual practices, such as Buddhism, yet it did not work; but for actual, practical real time and space, physical change, I have to be absolutely aware of what I am going to change and exactly how. To the utmost specificity. My self-dishonesties can be worded as my personality consists of words and relationships, energetic imprinting, emotional automation.

Currently I am still walking the online course Desteni I Process and working on a similar mind-pattern/construct in relation to a resistance/problem I face about a specific kind of project/profession I am committed to do in my life. It’s a great support to see behind the curtains and to understand what’s going on in my mind to see where I give into self-sabotage, giving up, resistance based on doubt, fear of judgments, etc.

It takes time, but every minute I spend with it, I am more and more empowered with the practical understanding of what I have to take responsibility for and thus I am grateful for the support, opportunity and my decision to do this.

I’d rather walk a lifetime to be able to transcend a fear/self-limitation than to accept it for one more month, because what I accept and allow is who I actually am.

Process works for those who walk it – we call it ‘desteni’ – because this can remind us that who, walking this have realized that it’s our destiny to take responsibility for what is here as ourselves.

See, I used to be an introvert, who had problem with talking, always resisted to approach a stranger and initiate conversation and one of the most crazy things I did was to start sharing myself online. Blogging, vlogging, to share how flawed, reactive, imperfect I am, but it does not matter, because I do not accept myself how and who I am today, I am going to change and this process I share, because this is who I am, this change and the way I am becoming more intimate with myself, I share it with the world, especially the self-dishonesty, the fuel of my secret mind, because although until today this is what I accept and allow to be, this is not who I really am and it’s important to share this about me as well.

People appear within responsible positions in the world system without they are being transparent, open, readable and they should not be trusted. I do not really trust people who are not walking through their own mind consciousness maze and sharing that process consistently, taking the effort day by day to work on self-dishonesty, expose their delusions, de-value their false idea of themselves. It’s not personal. It’s life.

If someone is sharing a process blog, vlog for years quite consistently, that might mean that the person is working on integrity – for herself/himself and others too. Actions, facts, what can be cross-referenced should be considered, charisma or attraction, interest or hope not really.

A new type of future leadership is required, who are self-leaders, who can initiate change first within themselves and living as an example to bring about the change within themselves what we want to see manifested in the world equally and by sharing their own delusion-transcending process proving to be worthy to be considered as someone to live the word integrity.

If someone has something to be ashamed of and feared to be exposed – it’s a great sign of protecting a self-dishonesty and that owns the person, limits the person, deludes the person, separates her/him from direct reality. And that is a problem, not only for the person, but for others around her/him, the world too. Thus although it’s her/his responsibility, in the greater picture, everyone’s everyone’s responsibility.

It’s also about decision, discipline, commitment. Not with some religious fundamentalism to be fueled by, but with principle. A principle what is not limiting, separating or excluding, but with I can ensure that expansion, responsibility and awareness I can reflect back to see if I am really living, not just becoming a set of patterns, repeated until death within the hypnotic polarity-trance between fear and happiness due to the complete delusion of self-interest, sugar-coated by our cultural definitions of love and peace surrounded by perpetuated wars of consciousness and power.

Within this human world system love and peace is hate and war, one must be able to learn to be in this world, but not of this world, and to embrace all but not being moved by to birth direct self-movement without external influence, motivation and control. Self-directed individuals will not be randomly appearing. They are self-created with the decision of not accepting self-dishonesty anymore and face, stop and change it all.

I encourage everyone to study themselves, to discover self-limitations, inner resistances towards things, topics, words, people and to try to understand those limitations, resistances, to assist and support to overcome, transcend them and thus allow to grow, expand.

What I am still establishing is the every day movement, every moment of direction, every breath of presence and it might seem quite a distanced ‘goal’ to create, accumulation is key, consistency is also key.

That’s why I’ve decided to do this discipline/challenge to write every day I can, and although I’ve skipped a day due to my travels, it’s also not about to judge myself or go into reaction, but to remain practical and not to create a scene from what it should not be, so instead of lashing/bashing myself, immediately looking at what I can do to re-align and keep continuing.

Today for instance having a bit of physical down, some cold and sore parts, here is quite extreme cold and I might got some mild flu, uncomfortable experiences here and there, but I was considering if I can do this blog today and realized yes, so I did and I am grateful.

Even when something is uncomfortable, sometimes supporting to walk through as many times uncomfortable experiences are results of inherently self-accepted self-limitations and resistances to not go towards directions we accepted to experience fear of loss and although it’s tempting not to face that, if it’s ‘there’ within ourselves, it’s part of us until we face and stop that aspect of ourselves completely. I learn consistency and during doing it I face with patterns I could never face if not pushing my limits. So this is it. Enjoy breath!

Day 293 – Driving self-correction reflection

img_4874Yesterday I wrote about going into reactions and losing presence, thus not breathing effectively, ‘properly’ within awareness here while driving and brought up the most relevant patterns I encounter on the road.

I was bringing up a lot of situations wherein I find it more common sense to not to react, not to take personally, not to lose direction and effective driving.

Today I was looking at what is changed in relation to driving since I wrote that yesterday, to further specify and accumulate the change I work on within myself.

In the morning I had at least three times when I was seeing that I would go into reaction, like ‘come on guys, go faster now’ or ‘what the hell you are doing?’ when some other driver does an unusual, illegal or even dangerous move on the road. Also something I’ve noticed is that there is a computer game I’ve played recently, a shooter, wherein I fight hordes of demons and when they injure you, the character I control shouts like ‘Motherf**ker!’ with a specific, angry, hurt tone and it was quite automatic that I said that word once today in relation to a car’s move in front of me. Well it’s kind of funny, nothing serious, but I see that this is related to judgement to that person, and behind that it’s a judgement within myself towards something I did not want to see then: that what the person did surprised me, did not like for some reason I also was not aware of, such as feeling like I have to slow down, I have to avert his car for instance.

Well, it’s nothing serious here, but when going upwards on a big hill, I have to slow down, shift down, use the clutch, the brake, the gearshift, maybe not just once, but 2-3 times, then also involving e-brake(handbrake). Well, it’s quite natural movement to do so, I do not need to think about it to execute it, so it should not be problem, but at times still being annoyed by.

Also I drive a diesel car, which warms up a bit slower than a petrol one; thus often, in the mornings, when I climb up the hill in the city through heavy traffic, I should be gentle with the engine until it’s warmed up properly, but sometimes it feels like all these stops and starts while maintaining the fluidity of the traffic, it’s just sometimes seems uncool to the car too.

Well, probably it’s not a huge problem, but in an ideal world, sometimes I’d be more gentle with the car until it’s totally warmed up engine-wise.

Also, there is this expectation that as I leave home quite late, there should be no heavy traffic anymore, but sometimes is, there can be an accident, roadwork, some really slow vehicles, indeed an old and/or slow dude/dudette is driving at front,  whatever; so all of these can still feel like influencing my direction by giving into judgments and reactions, which I see necessary to further specify, stop, forgive and transcend. Just a note to self.

Again: nothing serious, probably I could be perceived as already/still below than an average/most of the car driver human’s reaction, but here we deal with self-honesty and self-perfection in terms of decomposing, stopping and transcending all the patterns of self-dishonesty and self-limitation, so let’s keep specifying.

Backwards, at night, when I drove home, I had a passenger, and when I was talking with him, some of my attention was ‘with him’ and I did not judge that much about the road conditions, rather was observing the situation and handling accordingly.

I also have to share that there were also several times when I was able to become aware of this pattern of going into judgement and I was able to say ‘NO’ and re-align immediately to focus to driving itself without going into judgement and reaction.

Well, I could go into much-much more details on what is happening on my daily driving, such as there is only one lane on most of the mountain road part and there are buses and it’s kind of obligatory to support the bus to come out from it’s stop and that also means I have to slow down, even stop sometimes, and then follow the slow bus behind for a while and just this, predictable, all the time happening re-occurring event what can bring up in terms of me reacting to this and and other drivers behavior.

Or even there are some tight time-windows from specific green lights to be able to go through another before getting the red light, and some of those red lights are quite long, like 1-2 minutes too, and if those add together, I can literally get to my destination 8-15 minutes later. This itself does not justify to speed, but certainly adds to the actual practical knowledge of when to push the gas a bit harder and when it’s completely useless. And even prior to this knowledge, not to be overconfident and expect the best outcome and then get frustrated when it does not play out like that.

I go into details to just demonstrate that specificity matters and within any every day re-occurring event, activity or interaction within the ‘system’ one can use it as an opportunity to get to know thyself further, to discover self-limitation, self-dishonesty and to find their reasons, how those are being re-and recreated at what trigger points to empower oneself to be able to stop those patterns. There is no such moment when one should waste not to apply self-honesty, or if still existing such perception/belief, that should be also investigated and stopped with the same tools applied here.

It does not need to be perceived as completely wasted times, when for instance getting that 2 minutes red light, and just because there was a slow truck carrying glass windows that I should become frustrated. It’s actually quite silly and foolish, especially if this happens every day, all the time. I can go through all my presence, mind, body, beingness in that 1-2 minutes, to see if there is built up tension, pressure, thought-pattern, worry, desire, and I can enjoy breathing and re-aligning with real self here in physical reality.

And another point I want to bring up – is that often the source, origin of ‘moody’ behavior is not even regards to driving and traffic exclusively, but also what’s influencing me in that morning, like what thoughts, problems, emotions I experience and why.

For instance I will have a random amount of bill soon and if I go into worry of not being able to pay for it and at the same time to afford to buy firewood for the winter, to pay for dentist, to buy enough food and also to travel to family and support them and in the meantime considering everything and to be also become frustrated by each and accumulating that during a simple morning shower – well, it’s also not unusual for an ordinary human to get ‘worked up’ before even getting dressed or sitting into the car, stepping up to the bus, arriving at work, etc.

That’s why it’s essential to invest time and effort to work with our mind, our thoughts, reactions, patterns, personality manifestations + at the same time to develop body and physical presence awareness, real intimacy with being here, ‘bodywork’, giving the time and space to slow down within and to find little moments of pure self-expression without any fear or desire, past or future.

I also could already move ahead with another point and leaving this driving point behind by stating, well, I’ve wrote stuff about it, became aware of quite several patterns of it, I am DONE, NEXT.

It’s also quite supporting to stick to a point and walk it through until it’s really-really owned, meaning I am clear, directive, nothing moves me, I am here, this is who I am.

Well, it’s a process in terms of driving, but I just commit here to continue investigating, decomposing, correcting, forgiving myself until I am naturally present without any reaction. I do not know when that would occur, maybe never, but it does not matter, this is what’s here today, that’s where I am directing myself towards: to discover more patterns, to stop I am already being aware of and keep expressing, exploring, sharing and living.

One last point – reflecting back to the apparently less related point of ‘motherf**ker’ remark I did – this also can open up a whole lot of dimensions of self-identification, like ‘what’s cool’ and why seems to be cool and awesome to curse, what it feels like, what I experience gaining, but when walking a point, a dimension, a pattern, most of the time overlapping, another points will come up and although it’s great to note them, but not to be distracted by, jumped over – except when it seems common sense to open up, and work through that aspect first in order to continue working through the current point I walk through.

The ‘everything is interconnected’ is never a worn-out phrase here – if I ‘work’ on driving, it does not mean I would not get, develop, manifest, substantiate insights, realizations, practical and effective self-correction ‘spreading’ to another aspects of my life. Patience is a decision, which can accumulate into self-trust, self-direction, discipline, what obviously can be applied at all aspects of life. That’s why it’s also common sense to walk through a point really, because often cannot be foreseen what benefits I might manifest, until I really am clear of any reactions in regarding to that point/aspect/scenario.

Again – that’s why writing is extremely supportive here – written word remains, I do not think about it, so my head can become clear, and it’s in front of me, and remains so, therefore I can return to it, continue with it, this is really awesome.

Thanks, enjoy, bye

Day 288 – Presence exploration share

This is rather an experimental approach on sharing, maybe too personal, but I find these mini-sessions ‘with me’ supportive.

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I find myself here.

I have a direction, but not too obsessive, but kind of enthusiastic. I have a focus here, feeling, hearing the breath, but not becoming preoccupied with it’s sensation.
I feel the gravity, the points of my body being supported by the chair I am sitting within, my sole too, but it’s balanced out with my straightening effort to keep me vertical.

I merely observe this phenomenon that I am here, no tiredness, no worry, no desire in particular, the only thing what I see within is this silent initiation from which I express, move out here directly.

I still feel that there are layers behind of this dark point my expression emerges from, as I can sense some conscious participation in the mind, but at this moment it’s all right. I am not here to judge, but explore, embrace and discover.

What reaction I can already expose is this weird sensation, faithful conviction of that this presence, moment, expression and experience is significant and fragile.

Sometimes I just find myself totally dropping all my personality and be within this presence. It’s shy, humble and light, but accumulates each time surfacing into ever greater self-trust and physical direction.

This used to be quite scary, dreadful, horrifying experience, back there, when I was experimenting with the no judgement, and used to take massive amount of psychedelics to suppress my ability to judge and define, but after a while I also had to realize that this also suppressed my deepening of understanding of actual self-sabotage required to take initiative to stop and change the actual self-suppression I’ve defined myself to be who I am.

I am ready to die, am I? I am letting go everything I have, I did, said, felt and experienced. I do not need anything.

Yes, but…

No. I am here.

I do even stop from time to time within writing this as finding proper English words. Why do I write in this language, in my first language, I would be much more fluid, effective. but I want more people to be able to possibly reach. It’s alright for now.

There was a slight moment of reaction of what if I stop, I lose the momentum, the presence, the gentle yet firm direction of me being here, with basically no chance to be distracted from this self-respect, and by that I could just go into this inner mini-battle of taking myself apart with cold thinking of ‘if I worry of losing it, then I already lost it, never even had’.

And I recognize the pattern, I stop, and I re-align.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to doubt myself, to not name, word the origin, the relationship of this doubt, but reacting to it, following it and giving up presence and direction without actually considering what would be the solution for this fear to dissolve, stop, remove and transcend.

I do even say this aloud to feel the words, to speak, to be the words and be the sounding of this expression. Within sounding it, I see that the sentence required one more word, so adding it. Then I say it aloud again. I feel that there is energetic movement within my body, I say it again and focusing to this energy, to what word it originates from and why…

Yes I see it now, the specificity. I need to be more specific, like also to see the tendency where my reaction would take me, want to specify to also see and be able to mark with another self-forgiveness, to be absolutely sure that I am aware of not just the trigger point, but also the pattern of this and it’s consequence, so then I can ensure that next time I recognize that it’s in fact best to avoid this pattern.

This can go on for a while, there are hundreds of patterns within the mind, intertwined, interconnected and interdependent with many more and I have to be able to sail through with sane, present and directive self-movement without being washed away from what I face, discover.

Writing is great, I always can stop and take a breath, feel it, the physical, the gravity, the senses and when I am ‘solid’ again, I continue, write more.

This is magic, alchemy at it’s best as the limit is only on me, because with writing I can not only understand but also change my own nature of who I am today. Step by step, word by word.

That’s why these Journey to Life blogs, for several years, many of us committed to write, share and walk the realizations into actual, physical change.

Feeling the throbbing of the blood in my palms when I stop, allowing the body to breathe, and I am in and as this breath.

I acknowledge the gift I give for myself to be with me in this moment and to see what is here, what’s up, what’s going on.

I look for tiredness, exhaustion, heaviness in the body and at the moment I do not feel it. I am free from it, so I look, where this ‘expected heaviness’ is coming from and I see memories coming up when I feel my palms being exhausted, tired of all the things I’ve done with it, when I was doing things I did not want to, but felt compelled, when I had stress and did not relax it for hours and days, and I feel in the muscles that it’s there, but at the same time not today, so I continue exploring.

I check my chest, what is causing me to sometimes feel this acidic experience, coming up from my stomach and it’s judgements and stress. That can cause to feel this out of balance experience and feeling like my body is burning, it should have this PH negative ‘force’ from somehow to balance out this energy, what influences me, pushes me, and it’s of fear, I see, when I worry of not being able to see how I am going to do what I would like, when I feel confined by the things I created in my life, then I can have this self-burning, self-eating, suppressing self-judgement energetic experience. But also, not today.

I do not feel the chest heaviness, it feels like there is this specific point where it would be a strong pressure point and I would feel like I am breathing through that narrow point, almost like I have to force my breath to have a ‘full breath’ experience and even sometimes feeling like the breath is stuck in my chest, so I have to ‘practice’ and ‘loosen up’ to be able to breath one good ‘sigh’.

This is also a memory, as I am breathing normally, yet I see this signature in my breath, it’s something I have to work actively on seeing all the patterns, dimensions and memories, word relationships, external situations and conditions specifically to un-learn this resonant anxiety and fear, to then being able to solve those problems within I can have these experiences.

Of course my situation is quite easy in terms of I do not live in a war-shattered city as many do in Syria for instance, I have food, shelter, work for money, even free time, but I do not compare, I do not judge, I rather embrace and acknowledge here.

I move my attention to my feet, my toes: one is resting on another, it seems comfortable at first, but as I spend more time, about several minutes, the one is holding the another’s weight starts to feel pressured, so it’s like one leg feels really comfortable, but another starts to feel equally uncomfortable. Interesting. I put them both on their soles and it’s immediately better. Although I feel that there is tension on my knees, so I just focus there, give them one-two breath attentions and now they are both relaxed. Great.

I feel this energy spreading on my lower spine, rather on the right side and I see, there was a slight moment of observing myself from a mental point of view, rather like a quick self-judgement of…maybe irony, but not real, rather as an aesthetic categorizing imagination of this being in a film scene and before defining it to be cool, I let it go, I breathe…

I feel my mouth and face frowned for a reason I am not entirely sure, so by acknowledging I am not aware of why I did, it’s almost like I could and should know, just at this moment apparently can’t word it out. And by acknowledging that acknowledging, I look up and take another big sigh.

See, this presence is like a meditation, a mind-serialization, when really slowing down to see the tremendous amount of processes one can easily be overwhelmed by and it’s just the first step to become aware of the mind and the fact that I am not always doing the best possible, or when I ‘think’ that I do, I also write down the reasons I would ‘believe’ that I do the best possible, and to see if those are excuses and justifications only or I am really, fully being aware of what and why I feel, think and do.
This is rather an exploration and a rant on presence, but I am sure you only can know yourself, when you are present, empty and embracing without any judgement. That’s what I suggest to explore. Well, it’s not always easy, but remember, whatever comes up, it’s you. Deal with it. See, decide, explore if you can live with it or you might find it as limiting/annoying or even self-deceiving – then you understand it more and stop it, change it, and thus you, bit by bit, breath by breath: changing yourself and with that the world! That’s THE Way. Enjoy.