Day 402 – Back to Basics is grand

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  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my physical body as a vessel, a tool, a device for placement of my mind consciousness system and not considering IT to be ME as equal as one – in any and all moments consistently.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the tension I make my human physical body carry through my mind’s activities such as worry, anxiety, judgments, desires and procrastination and not seeing the doable solution to understand the source points of those reactions, thought patterns, their trigger points and within each to become aware of the give up, defeat, powerlessness and justification pattern and write what to DO to prevent to fall into those patterns.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only relevant pattern, equation, science what I really need for change, improvement, expansion and power is to truly grasp what it means the 1+1=2 – as within it to see/realize/understand the real power in creation and existence is within accumulation – and thus to realize – what I sow is what I reap – thus to make sure that what I participate within – I am aware of it’s consequence – speaking of my own mind and through that all my interaction in this world.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I am resisting to develop consistency toward accumulation through considered actions, I am accepting my self-limitation and thus I have to investigate why I do that and what is the thought-pattern, self-definition, the emotional reaction I maintain and re-create in that specific situation – thus being able to see the pattern before I am going to be participating within.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that to be able to see a pattern before participating within it requires further understanding which I have to embark onto a journey to discover, which means series of directed actions, such as self-investigative writing, decomposing thought-patterns, opening up old memories so then in the moment I do not have to think of why and what I feel or should do – thus I do not ‘Think who I am, but Knowing who I am’ – and within this practical knowledge is when I do not think in real time, but acting immediately.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to slow down to the degree of being able to see my mind, my thoughts, and justifying it by ‘I need to work’, ‘There is no time for this’ or ‘this is stupid, I just can think myself outside of the BOX and not realizing, THINKING IS THE BOX’ – thus to become honest with myself that whenever I think, involuntarily – it is not me thinking, but my pre-programmed mind puts me into a situation it sees to fit, regardless of is it the best possible way or not, is it the possibly best for me and others, all life or not – and I am the only one who can deprogram it and give it a change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I need to re-start process, BACK TO BASICS, and it is not to be judged, but to be honest with myself and no matter why, or how many times, but if I am slipping from the principled living, to get back to the beginning and start over with the most obvious points, things to write, forgive myself and start self-correcting.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start becoming aware of a pattern and let it go and give it away within thinking or judging that it is now better, fine and get distracted by other points, other reactions, and not realizing that I did not walk this point to the utmost specificity and manifested yet into real, consistent and measurable change.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself, my behavior, my thinking, my desires, my suppression, my reactions, my body, my visual representation, my habits, my taste for things and get distracted and mesmerized by the polarity system with self-definition of positive and negative reactions and not seeing the actual addiction to this energetic reactions, positive feelings or negative emotions, and within that to see that my mind is a self-balancing energetic parasite living off my human life force as the physical body, as the equal and one aspect with all of existence and within that to realize the ridiculousness, limiting and degenerative nature of the mind consciousness system each human accepts themselves to exist through and within.
  • I forgive myself that I have lost the consistent awareness of ‘each and every single human being is equally responsible for the current state of this earth’ and fall into the games of my mind instead of keeping real, present and directive each day, accumulating expansion, awareness and practical change through applying radical self-honesty, self-forgiveness, self-corrective and self-commitment statements to assist and support myself into actual and real physical change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as breath as me, as moment as me.

This is crucial for me, I repeat to write it down.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as breath as me, as moment as me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a way what is not the utmost potential of who I am as life and within that not being absolutely detail-oriented and specific and thus allowing the tendency to generalize, judge and react, instead of keeping it practical, real and doable.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider myself to be equal and one with my human physical body and judging it, reacting to it, and handling it’s weaknesses as something to hate, get pissed off about and not realizing the mirror what it holds to who I accept myself to be as beingness, as the representative and the earth ambassador of Life who I am, just as everyone and everybody else equally as one.

Enjoy EQAFE:

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Day 394 – Dancing, drugs and re-definition

2003 dec 13 - IM @ Complex

2003 dec 13 – IM @ Complex

I rarely talk about my past when I used to experiment with psychedelic drugs. It’s so beyond me, yet in a way always part of me now.
There are various subcultures, musical scenes, literature, art and community, which I am still in touch with, because regardless I do not do the mind-blowing, there is value, potential and enjoyment within these connection points with others and myself.

It’s such a taboo topic to talk about, yet there are things to understand there, especially for those who still indulge in such activities.
Not many come forward to share their experiences, because of the witch-hunt of ‘drugs’ by most of the governments, so it really does not easy to find authentic sources of information regarding to actual self-support.

I do not really fear being judged because I did it for a while; I am certain that do not need those anymore.

Let’s focus to one particular point today, just to not blow this writing away.

Dancing. But if I speak about that, have to make a detour about drugs too as for me, one followed the another for a while.

Recently I went again to a trance party. Not to my type of trance party actually, but does not really matter. Even though the whole process I walk here with self-investigation and self-honesty, one would think that to define ‘my type’ might be limiting. And indeed it might be, but still, I can have my own personal taste and individual expression.

So, I love to dance, to move for hours with music, with others, to be dance itself! Quite an experience which definitely can be relatable to sex.

Self-expression and exploration, enjoyment and expansion. Substantiation and presence.

See – one can re-define words and to live according to that definition. So it makes sense to define with words what do not limit us.

Dancing was not always about presence and clarity, direction and self-honesty for me, but I have decided to re-align to this.

When I visited parties the first time it was more about to overwhelm and blow my mind with substances and to attain certain levels and experiences within consciousness. In a way, I am quite lucky as those experiences were literally extraordinary and have showed me that opening one tiny door can change the whole world, thus in this sense it was great.
On the other hand, I was so reckless, reactive, gullible and suspectible to experiences that the whole intensity hypersonic mind-blowing trip-ride got me by the balls so to speak.
Regardless of that my main goal was always about self-liberation and further understanding, I often sacrificed my time on the altar of pure hedonism and even within that sometimes I was able to substantiate some insights, but the fact is – although I’ve tried to raze and explode, incinerate and disintegrate my mind system as felt like it was always in the way of true exploration and liberation, I have been always setup to fail with this borderline self-destructive passion.

I really believed that by brute force I can break through all of my limitations, which I believed were mental mostly, but at times I really scratched my physical limitations with the overwhelming mind-frequency intensification, and although it felt extremely stimulating, sometimes I literally felt like touching insanity and physical death level.

One might find this ‘hobbi’ to be quite extremist and somewhat pathological, but noone can argue with the fact that in this world people are indoctrinated, controlled, freightened and quite deeply brainwashed to the tiny confines of a commonly accepted norm, which is obviously not the best for all participants here.

Billions live in extreme poverty, not being able to afford sufficient food, shelter, education and healthcare. One only can find their own existence extremely limited and imprisoned, when tries to break through the norms and limitations society binds us all into a state where war and abuse, rape and murder is justifiable.

When one tries to stand up and really wanting to make a difference, even just within themselves or just wanting to become a more effective and healthy person, can face the situation that there is something inherently wrong with our mind, behavior and thought-patterns. This indeed requires courage to admit but absolutely worth it.

That was me in a nutshell and I really got fed up with my own bullshit and for a while limitations and truly believed that the drugs will help me to liberate myself.

What I did not take into consideration was that regardless of how much I used brute force to break down my mind system, which often felt liberating, when the intensity and sort of purification energy of the drug started to fade, I always went back to the same old patterns, behaviors, reactions and justifications.

Literally regardless of all the mighty experiences I had about consciousness, white light, patterns, symbols and onneness with the whole existence in and out – they were merely glimpses of a state of being I never really understood. And of course, my own mind was always happy to throw in some grandiose hallucination to please and entertain me without admitting that this is just a play of my own imagination, I am still in my mind, just it’s melted a bit and looks/feels cool.

So what I had to realize was that no matter what I do, the mind remains mind and there is a physical limit I can’t go beyond because I kill the body. Thought this as identifying myself as a mind consciousness system. The body always felt weak, ugly, confining, miserable and limiting, so I was one of those who defined the body to be inferior to the mind and consciousness. Yet after a long while, I had to try to explore other ways to expand.

I was regularly visiting these goa trance parties in these states and it was fascinating, the loud and dominant somewhat melodic yet pleasingly stimulating vibes helped to fall into a sort of trance state wherein the thoughts were sort of suppressed and I was able to just BE sometimes.

What I always found strange that all these people dance all night, and I defined their movements to be unnecessary, in a way sort of inferior, as had the thought: why bother moving the body, to be one body, when you can expand yourself to be the whole party, or existence itself?

But something was calling with those dances, beyond the fact that all the cute ladies were dancing in the front with such a passion, meanwhile I acted like a plant somewhere in the background, just standing, looking, listening. Might even felt like an empty shell, a hollow vessel.
I was obsessed with emptiness, all I cared about to empty my mind, to be quiet, to shut it up and down, to finally experience peace.
There was so much I did not understand back then. Years passed while had to give into the realization that it’s not enough to quiet the mind, I have to move myself as well, otherwise all means nothing, just sitting my life away literally. As the playground for my explorations was the crowded loud party scene, dancing came up.

So I was convinced that with some little chemical help, I could transition into dancing more easily.

That was what I used with a decision that no matter what, this time I will dance.

It was quite a blast! I was still a mind, meaning having mind consciousness starting point, but used the body as a reference point to stabilize my beingness within, so I could ‘fly’ and basically daydream more. Often reached the limit of thirst and tiredness, but with stuff, one can reach a little bit beyond.

There were friends of mine, extraordinary dancers whom with we became one through hours of dancing and I always had the feel of an essence, a symbol to crystalize within my experiences what I believed to be helping me and I started to focus on not only the experience of but the techniques and physical details of my dancing.

I did dance with psychedelics for years and after a while I’ve noticed that I’ve became quite natural and experienced with the whole ‘dance floor, movement, behavior expression and interaction’ but in a very specific way only. I felt like machete-d myself a nice circular path in the jungle, and on that path I was enjoying myself to dance around and keep using the machete to cut down any growing plants, branches, so it remained clean and easily walkable.

But as soon as I stepped over the pre-cleaned path, it became stumbling and awkward, resisted and uncomfortable.

Example: I was approached by a lady to just socialize, and on acid, I was not the most talkative person, and all of a sudden, I was judging myself as seeing how I behave and I reacted to it – defined myself to be like an insect, very anti-typical not-human-like and I felt that although I am now able to have fun and find this empty mind clarity – it’s still quite limited. It was like a snap to realize, I can slow down and sort of freeze the mind, but with just one stumble and I am whoooosh, down on the pipe already into the good old self-limiting reactive, judgmental thinking, separated and limiting mind again. Soooo frustrating was to experience the ‘fall of man’ – I tried to define these processes, read all the literature, studies, old and new books, but rarely found genuine descriptions of what I went through. And even when I did find, I just got distracted for a while to follow up and eventually realize the flaw within those distraction paths, such as spirituality, buddhism, etc. Separation, polarity, dishonesty.

The problem was not with the stuff, neither with the dance or the path I walked, but my ‘original’ points, which I believed that I was transcending during these quite hectic years.

I ended up with the same realization as I had years before with the spiritual meditation – when I was sitting, looking at the candle, for many-many hours, relentlessly, as the meditation textbook suggesting: ‘looking at the surface of the lake, smoothing it to become still and mirror’ – or when you roll upwards a huge rock upon the mountain with the disciplined meditation, and you keep falling back but once you will be able to reach the top with the rock and you find peace and clarity’. But once I stopped these techniques, I was at the same point, it was no true, measurable, mathematically accumulative progress, maximum self-conviction.

I was giving my life into those ways, I definitely know what I am talking about when saying, I’ve been there, reached states with sober mind and experienced things ‘beyond’ – but in their nature, they were not different from drug experiences. All what extra they gave beyond the drugs was that I developed an unnatural amount of stubbornness and self-will to keep myself sitting and do nothing but quieting my mind. But even that was quite conditional and thus not truly self-realized.

But the thing is – my mind was always be so loud for a reason! Not because it’s nasty in it’s nature, but it was always telling me who I accept myself to be!

So instead of investigating those thoughts, emotions, I kept pushing them away, down, suppressing and denying to the mastery of self-deception when I was able to ‘whooosh’ shut it up – but required my full attention with all my discipline. Which was sometimes available, sometimes not. And when I was not in this discipline mode, the mind roamed free – had to – as needed to balance it out from all this extreme suppression with what I tried to change it.

All in short – no matter how much one works on changing one’s mind – it’s impossible – because it’s just a systematic reflection of my beingness.

Instead of focusing to my being, who I am, accepting and allowing myself to be – I was raging a war against my mind – – the devil, the boogeyman, the white rabbit, which was actually myself. So I was always fighting myself, often went nuclear to decimate and mutilate my mind, ending up abusing myself on mental, emotional and physical level.

The dance was a beautiful holiday from these inner wars, because the mind was quiet, I was sort of satisfied, so as one song lyrics says ‘you take a vacation from
yourself’.
—–
I kept exploring the various movements and physical expressions and even when I had the starting point as the mind – there was some enjoyment and emerging genuine physical awareness moments in those movements already.
Often at these tranceparties, me and my frends stayed until the last moment, when next day or at the end of the festival week, organizers turned off the sound system – because it had such a home experience, wherein everything is contained with the music, there is always a next beat, a melody, a synth pad flowing and waving, blooming and playing.

But the vacation was always over, and I returned home to my sober self and it felt miserable and I had to go to work, had to be with my arguing girlfriend and I just did not see actual change in my life.

It was a nice escapism era of my life although I always turned into an unstoppable flow of starting as a mild annoyance through bitter frustration into a full blown internal rage to try to break out from this mellow nightmare I existed as behind the smiling curtains…

Lol, such a dramatic wording, but this is brutal and absolute self-honesty, so no sugarcoating here.

When I had some near-death experiences, quite several ones actually, I had to stop and reconsider, as one thing I was absolutely certain with – it’s not yet time to die as I am still not free and thus my life is about to reach freedom. See – even the most innocent starting point can become subject and excuse to a total delusional mind-possession. Freedom is overrated. The only true freedom is living within absolute self-honesty. But in that time this was just not yet to be understood. So many years, unnecessarily. That’s why I compose this here, so others might do it more smarter.

I really tried to compress the amount of writing but this just came through. Dancing. Back to it.

I stopped taking psychedelics even before finding desteni self-supporting process, community and tools; as the last ones really just showed it’s acid-like characteristics to my mind, melting stuff down and remaining with nothing.

So I started to investigate a hundred other ways, methods, practices, history, cultures, books and I kept searching and looking.

One day, when I broke my leg, so could not walk, had no money, had nothing much, found Desteni Portal video, a being coming through(Jim Morrison) and he was talking about Oneness and Equality and to forgive myself. That hit really directly, immediately had the realization that this is it, it’s THE opportunity I have to grab with all of me entirely. I did not really care if this was truly ‘portalling’ JM from the ‘other side’, because I was mindblown by the words, the MESSAGE.
Noone ever talked of such words in this world, I am certain. No scriptures or allegedly holy books, teachings or schools ever mentioned the simple principle and practical common sense this message means, and still, it is one true authentic source of liveable self-honesty with the most direct approach. This I can stand with in front of the whole existence and will keep walking until it’s necessary or finding even more practical common sense.

So. I read all the available material back there about desteni, the message and the awareness tool self-forgiveness and started to write, apply this self-forgiveness as I really needed to(everyone). So many things I could not forgive myself from my past, many I did not even know about, that’s why the writing was necessary. And take responsibility for. Directly.

Throughout the last decade, I am still walking this process, this blog is one aspect of it, the courses I walk, and more relevantly, my life is what I embrace and share, committed to walk with the principle of equality and oneness within self-honesty.

Here I am today, no drugs since years, no alcohol, many things changed, but the dancing remained. More rarely, must admit, but still, at least once in two months, trying to go somewhere to have some fun moves.

See, it’s not about mind, transcendence, consciousness, nothing extraordinary, but me as physical, dancing and expressing myself as life itself.

Somewhen back, I think it was about 4 or 5 years ago, when I was already not doing drugs, I smoked weed again before one of my favorite trance performers, but the experience was very disappointing, I felt like I am not my whole body anymore, but condensed into my head and lost the overall one and equal as body experience(I guess the level I am in regarding to that in comparison to be in and as the mind constantly and using the body as a biorobot).

I had to wait on the dancefloor until the effect of the drug went away to be able to re-obtain my ability to dance.

And I was a regular smoker before, but something changed, I had to realize that I only believed that this drug supports me and turned out, not really, so the self-honesty is to let it go – and I had a bit of struggle with that for a while, sure, it’s quite stimulating, things seem to slow down a bit when stopped, but once I committed myself to stop once and for all, and stand into this bodytime awareness – Life just opened up to me so much more!

All the mind looks for is speed, energy and intensity – even if it means to fall out of sync with physical reality – can be addictive, but if someone aims progress, results and expansion – has to let go the mind completely and only use it as a tool, not as a master. And that takes time and effort to change.

One little example from my recent piano lessons – I keep practising the two hands scales up and down up and down, and after several mistakes, teacher says, I gotta slow down, focus on precision, instead of speed – and I still resist it! Because how grand it feels when I can do it fast! But sometimes I make mistakes, and then I am frustrated, doing it more, more faster, and then making more mistakes! Speed and effectiveness has to be built from the foundation, first slowly, with direction and awareness. Really the same with self than with any tools or instruments. Drugs do not help with that, I know, many take drug to fight against attention deficit or tiredness, but it always will take a toll, meaning opportunity to train and progress consistently. And that consistency is key. And if the drug sabotages my consistency being present, in sync with the physical – in dancing, playing music or simply walking or breathing – then the drug is not supporting me. Common sense. So by letting go the intensity, I can gain consistency. There is a saying ‘Walk slowly, reach further’.

See, all drug user people are blown away how much they can ‘flash’ and ‘fly’ with the experience, but the thing is, the most mind-blowing thing one can do is to constantly remain sober!

Another point for me about doing drugs at a party(or anywhere, anytime) is so limited – I am limited by the type of the drug and what effect it brings – and I can’t just turn it off, it has it’s own pre-programmed ride – and I am bound to that.

Nowadays, I can have the most ecstatic trance with sober self-direction, and in the next minute I can have casual discussion with people in clarity about anything requiring any type of focus or openness. From the dancefloor, I can walk to the car, sit in and drive to the highway and travel fast responsibly and safely.
If any sort of problem, accident or danger presents itself – I am immediately able to assess reality and support with effective and practical common sense.

I do not get exhausted by the drug experience, but by time will be tired, true, and then I go home and sleep – on next day I wake up without feeling drained or exhausted.
Many would argue, because of being sober, I do not reach such peaks and heights, intensity as they do with the drugs.

Here is the thing – I do not have to – I can be just fine without leaving my body and presence, responsibility and self-direction. Many thinks it is limitation, for me it is the liberation.

And if I feel limited about something, when finding myself on a new path – feeling awkward – which still can happen for sure – I am able to be present and see in real time, what’s the issue here, and how can I support myself to overcome this self-limitation or self-dishonesty.

I am often approached at parties when people see me dancing that they ask me if I can give them drugs, because they believe I am on something and they also want that. And I say, water – coffee, tea – and its quite a fun.

One should not need to take any drugs to have extreme amount of fun and insights, relaxation, entertainment and release – because then what happens is that I am not moving, directing, DOING those things directly, but I am using a bridge to help me to do it, and next time it will be a bit more difficult to do it by myself. So, especially with people who have tendency to have addiction, can really pick up the habit of taking drugs and that’s why it’s called “re-creational drug use”.
They keep trying to re-create the same experiences, what they defined as cool.

Over and over and over again. I did not like that, I was born to consistently expand, grow and learn, understand and explore a bit more every day.

So, dancing is part of me now, and still there is so much to learn, explore and enjoy, but it’s not needed for me to be here, to enjoy myself and be clear within myself. Just as I mentioned before, same as sex – should be an equal aspect of our lives without the mind dominating it.

And alcohol and drugs are the best food for the mind, it really grows and inflates, feeds those. That’s why it’s not really suggested to use them for those who really and truly, honestly and absolutely want to transcend their own mind-limitations. Period. There is no place for excuse or justification beyond this. Who still tries to validate a semi- or full regular drug or alcohol use yet still claiming to walk the self-liberation – it is pure self-delusion. Not me to judge at all, not everyone ‘needs’ to transcend, only who decides to and I am here to reflect in that regard.

Because once one lets go the mind – alcohol or drug has no effect whatsoever. And even that can screw with the mind by people ‘wanting just to test if they still being owned by the mind’ – it’s really slippery and one can really sink one slip at a time by defining it still being cool to end up in ten years still getting drunk and sometimes not understanding why so bitter.

Words are the keys, to decompose, re-define and live them according to no polarity of the mind, no energy, and that is a key to progress.

That is why I find this little story strong, because it’s from the point of one word – dancing – and how it started, what I defined it, how it did not support me in the longer term, thus needed to let go, re-define and nowadays, if I live the word dancing – it is not limiting, but part of my self-expression.
About drugs – I do not say you should not do it, but on the longer run, beyond trying once or twice, it is really not giving that much as walking life soberly can give. And I have many friends who still ‘push’ and ‘blow’ their mind with alcohol and drugs – it’s their decision, I do not judge, but certainly showing an example of how to live and expand without those, and if asked, I am sharing what and how I realized to be who I am today.
In this regard I find confidence and calmness within, respect and trust towards myself.

This is my process in relation to dancing and drugs, self-honesty and re-definition in a nutshell.

So that’s it for now, consider writing, every day, stabilize yourself, get back to the physical and let go the convictions and delusions one breath at a time.

Thanks, enjoy, dance and breathe as there is no next moment, fully self-honest and present as you can!

Some opening up self-forgiveness statements, if one is on similar path but would like to understand more about what’s behind the conscious mind…

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define energy and intensity as invigorating, not realizing that I am compensating in my mind, regardless of facts, physical reality, only focusing to perception, because I am feeling as god in my own mind, to do as I please, to focus to where I can experience satisfaction and release, instead of asking the question of what is the creation of the opposite points already existing within me I try to balance out, such as not being whole, inferior, missing out, not being good enough, feeling powerless, insignificant or simply confused.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the mind is a tool, a reflection of myself and the more I give permission to it from my perception, definition, judgement and decision making through blindly trusting patterns of thoughts, feelings and emotions, the more less it seems more smooth, automatic, immediate and natural and this does not mean this is who I truly am or is this an instinct I should trust or not even bothering to want to understand how and why these exist within me as personality, behavior and set of characters triggered within specific situations.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that experiences, and thus consciousness as it is only an experience, are more relevant or superior than physical facts and ending up being convinced that it is the source of myself, the nature of my being, the origin and beingness of myself, while not considering what’s always here, consistently sourcing and making it possible to be obsessed with, the physical, my flesh, the actual tangible reality here and within that obsession not even wanting to understand how and why it is my true self, equal and one with all life here, mesmerized by the spirit, the experience and only realizing it when it does not last and facing reality again and then only looking for the next trip vacation out from myself, my responsibility, my creation.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can escape from the consequences of my creation, participation and existence in life with experiences, energetic stimulation and mind-blowing chemical rituals, meanwhile not admitting the fact that the most effective way to results and solution is always practical common sense.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself to take drug and want to escape from reality and to just have fun almost senselessly, because it’s too tough, inhumane or negative altogether and hoping to seek our reach out to states wherein all makes sense, I can be liberated or exemplified from who I manifested myself to be and become as an individual and unique aspect of life in this lifetime.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pollute my expressions of words with associations, definitions, reactions, judgments, comparisons, fears, desires, emotions and all kinds of energetic experiences automatically associated and influenced in my under-conscious mind and not realizing the self-honest call to purify my words one by one to simply re-define each to live them with self-honesty, integrity and practical common sense in support of myself and all others around me equally.
  • I forgive myself that I have defined myself only being able to have fun truly at parties with alcohol and drugs, not realizing that I am re-and re-creating the same similar mind-set, experiences over and over again, almost like hypnotizing myself into a state of apparent virtual existence, wherein everything is cool, nice and great, not realizing that as the core and starting point contains negative, thus the whole card-tower is always one reaction/association/remembrance away from falling apart, which I can’t control, thus not really building true and stable confidence or self-trust here, but in a way, playing casino, gambling with my own – and my surrounded’s life within responsibility – as even if I do not admit/take responsibility – it’s always here for me, as who I am.

Just to see – how one can utilize this kind of approach to discover what I have accepted, by looking inwards, to follow the rabbit, writing down and seeing the patterns of matrix, which is everywhere, because it’s my consciousness and as I defined as who I am, do not not even consider the need or practicality of deconstructing and releasing it word by word.

Thanks again, enjoy and bye

T

Day 391 – Death as equalizer – or is it Life?

P1000400There is this saying that Death is the true equalizer of war, meaning no matter if you are poor or rich, dumb or smart, young or old – you can die in any given moment without any deus ex machina and that is especially true on the battlefield, where people’s profession, hobby and obsession is to kill each other.
It is true, regardless of wars actually – everyone will end up being in a grave(or being cremated), no matter what, so in a way – it does not really mean anything who we are, death will equalize all differences and inequalities.

What the real question here is why we even bother being obsessed to only focus on our inequalities to separate and abuse each other with, when at the end we all hit the dirt the same way anyway. Does not really make sense.
All the experiences of fancy shoes, nice cars, attractive bodies – they mean nothing on the longer term, in the bigger picture, so why everyone is in this mind-frenzy without questioning the meaning of the human condition?

What remains though is the physical consequences of our actions, that is also a true equalizer as well, let’s refer to it as equalizer of life, as it is what it is: everyone equal from the perspective of being here, more or less leaving a footprint to the future before turning into wormfood or grey ash.

I find this as the most important aspect of my life, as I often see it, the ‘human condition’ – as we are gifted with the ability to grasp cause and effect, action and consequence, yet no one really stops to the extent of becoming aware of what it truly means.

This is what I assist and support myself with when facing resistances, distractions, obsessions or even possessions in my own mind-realm, because although all my very personal experiences seem to be so overwhelming and convincing to present themselves as absolute revelation to follow as the law of my beingness in the form of thoughts, feelings and emotions – they are irrelevant to the extent of what is real, priority and true value for all life on earth.

Why? Because It does not matter what I think, what really counts is what I do. And if I keep thinking that my choice is justified to keep entertaining and distracting myself away from all the wrongdoings happening by humanity in this world, I might feel pumped enough to believe that I literally have right to choose not to do anything about all the abuse and exploitation, extermination and enslavement happening every day in the name of free choice, liberty as self-interest.

How easy is to justify that an ordinary human’s life and their every day actions are insignificant and powerless in comparison to the big systems dominating the course and fate of humanity, such as money system, military industrial complex and brainwashing education and media conglomerate being run by sociopaths, automatized by family-providing army of such ordinary people scared of losing monthly salary every day justified by their so called love for their offspring, no matter the consequences.

Each sub-system of earth’s evil conglomerate’s has it’s own role to this and everyone is equally participating, thus being responsible.

Death is indeed an equalizer here, a liberator and revealer to what really matters here, which is the physical, no mind-games or experiences can transcend facts.

The only way to stand up to this consistently fate-sealing, all-annexing inevitable death is simply to realize the even more equalizer truth, the quality what we all bear, carry and represent already, always and unconditionally – that we are life, no matter what.

Death cannot exist without life – what we all need to do is to realize the actually relevant and real aspects of our – in a way, as our current form represents and manifests it: indeed truly miserable and irrelevant existence.

investigate, investigate, investigate

each of us has this mind what play god in our head while the true god is this physical existence, true ruler of life and death, so until we listen to and being mesmerized by our mind, we literally follow a false god, because it’s not real, not here and not even remains after death.

No matter what god anyone thinks of or prays to, all are a facade, a true consequence of our misplaced trust and belief to something completely delusional and selfish.

Let’s look at the sun. Yes, The Sun. It shines, shares, glows, no condition, without it – even if it would stop doing so just for a minute, probably all life here would disrupt and utterly die, no matter what. That can be as a reference for unconditional love, it does not care, radiates everyone.

Let me quote a rainbow hippie song here, just because it’s cute.

Deep inside my heart I’ve got this –
everlasting love
It’s shining –
like the sun
It radiates on everyone

And the more that I give
The more I’ve got to give
It’s the way that I live
It’s what I’m living for

So. I am deliberately wandering away from my usual points just to make the point that when we at desteni say equality – it does not mean we all have to be the same and everyone got equal opportunities, qualities, should get the same salary and stuff. No. What equality means is that everyone equally is an individual and unique expression of life, and although there are many things what we have been manifested as different, there are more major or let’s say true aspects of ourselves what makes us quite as equals. So instead of focusing to our differences, why not to focus to our similarities.

Because if we would do that, then we would all not just realize but truly feel that there are many who do not have a chance on earth to live a life what we would like for ourselves.
And deliberately most of us do not wish that worse life to others, we still are comfortable to accept them to exist in that way.
Poverty, famine, enslavement, abuse, war, rape and murder, extinction and annihilation is the name of humanity currently. Why? Just as with the positive thinking, – what many believe it’s some sort of magic, which is not, but merely a belief system – among all the positivism and super duper thoughts and feelings, emotions – there is enough only one negative to ruin all those positive experiences.

That’s why, it’s fabulous that we have art, beauty and glamour, love and creativity, science and all sorts of achievements, but what can ruin it all is how we treat our true nature, environment, each other and the future. Future as accumulating consequences by our actions every day, hour and minute.

This is what with I encourage myself to step out from entertainment for instance – that it’s just an experience and I start questioning why I would be so distracted or obsessed with feeling good all the time, it just might not to be the case that my original state is some sort of negative?

Anybody and everybody, who needs positive actually has negative already, otherwise would not bother.

So the self-realization means to investigate our condition in the mind consciousness, which is essentially a system, and to dare to reveal, discover the source and origin of these positive and negative judgments, experiences and preferences. Debunking them becomes easy, as a skill as one walks the process of self-forgiveness, to give for myself the chance to recognize what I might be doing by mistake, fear or misunderstanding.

Death is fine by me, but if there is opportunity, I chose to greet it with an impeccable respect to life, all life, because that is how I honor death, by honoring life, which means to not accept anything less than who I really am, my potentials are. And that means work, every day, to find my limits and expand them, because what I believe as a limit, by choice or by consequence, might be self-limitation, self-imagined, thus physically manifested. And that consequence created is being shared with all.

We might experience life through our own separate mind, but in fact on physical we all share the same, that is where we are literally one and equal, so to wander our awareness and discipline, focus and responsibility away from it seems merely ignorant, deluded and completely unfair to be honest.

That’s why I recommend to walk this process, start a blog, if you fear of being judged, start an anonymous one, who cares, just walk the damn process, otherwise you might end up being the same way limited as you were last year, ten years ago, and that’s quite a shame when we age and die without truly living.

I know, depression, burnout and hopelessness, giving up and feeling unfair seems pretty convincing, but until death, there is always way to find your own individual process and standing up. And for that to ask for assistance is encouraged. One humble and curious person will always get all the support of desteni community.

When I was kind of lost and desperate, confused between all the possibilities, convictions and conspiracies of what is really going on here, on earth, I got unconditional support from desteni and with that I am standing up to and as life, and everyone can walk this if they dare to be honest with themselves.

It’s scary because the consequences what have been already manifested are massive, yet what is to realize that life always finds a way, just look at simple seeds and plants – they can grow out from impossible conditions without a doubt.

And when we suggest things such as equal money, it’s not about giving free, supporting the lazy, the abusive or going insane – it’s about being able to give what we would like to receive. There are examples here and there for glimpses of what society could give us, free health care, housing, education and support as birth right. Anyone opposing these only mean that they already got more than most of the others yet they do not wish that for them as well. Sounds strange and the reason for that can be found in their mind, convictions, personality and thoughts, feelings and emotions. That’s why the investigation is suggested.

I can’t investigate your thoughts, my neighbor’s thoughts and realize what’s self-honest, it’s your, their responsibility.
And until you, they do not do that, I am here to share the consequence of such mind what would not give as would like to receive, and that is a problem.

Yet, I can’t really judge anyone else’s process, oh hell, I should not even judge my own process, because judgement means a view of separation, polarity of the mind, thus it’s not true, not real.

I should live and show, teach and support as an example of how to stand up to self-dishonesty and how to change and align with principles of life.

Usually it is not a great thing to walk into other’s life and tell them they are full of sh*t, probably it will end up not really listening to my words, but they will listen to their own reactions and without the ability to reflect and self-investigate, I am more causing problems and distractions than providing solutions.

Yet, I can and should speak up, share and reveal, expose and explain.

There is a lot to understand about life, and death is inevitable, literally we have limited amount of days left, hours, minutes and moments left, so the common sense, the PRACTICAL common sense is to focus to manifest consequences what will leave this place a bit more better than it was when I have arrived. At least that is my calling for now.

Understanding the code of our minds, words is key, and re-definition of them can literally change the world, our own, and everone’s equally.

Enjoy breath

Day 346 – Standing up as LIFE

IMG_9174Ok, I have found a deeper point and thus real solution to my fear, worry and emotional instability issues. Its pretty awesome.

I have been working on the redefinition of the word: LOVE – it takes some time and one would ask why to redefine words, aren’t they just fine? Not necessarily if I go up and down with emotions, worry and hope, conviction or doubt, fear and desire and it’s all just like a roller-coaster – then it’s an indication of that my ‘program code’ of my words to live out are not ‘optimal’, neither for me and others – thus a re-evaluation, often a decomposition and re-alignment, re-definition is required within self-honest investigation.

Do I live the words as I define them, as I want to live them, is that really the best for me and others how I live them?

I had to admit, for me, many words are ‘contaminated’ with fear, polarity of self-interest-based positive and negative associations, desire, doubt, hope and a lot of memories about what went wrong.

Humans have the tendency to have a LOT in the mind, and often what can happen is that what I think is not the same as what I say and also not the same of what I do. And that’s a problem, because it shows the split, the separation and distortion among aspects of myself as wanting different than saying and doing, and thus my words have no much power.
If I think that my crazy, worrying, doubtful, desiring thoughts are not related to reality, to who I actual become, then I must be a fool – it’s the same analogy, when someone thinks it’s overpriced when TV asks ten million dollars for 10 seconds of advertisement during the biggest sport game broadcast. No. Words – and images have influence and relevance. What does this mean?

If I have doubtful thought, abusive, or worrysome – it is influencing my beingness, my actions and reality’s greatest law does the rest: accumulation. Everything accumulates, from smallest bits up to world-changing forces. 1+1=2. This is the greatest force and I can apply it to my own participation to words and actions as well. Accepting a doubtful thought, just once every day – will have fruit one day manifesting real doubt.

That’s why I focus on specific words, what are relevant in my life, to check, what this word means, what says the dictionary, how can I live it without polarity, without self-interest, how could I live this that is best for others around me and myself too – and thus to ensure that I am not giving chance to doubt, self-judgement and fear when living this word.

So, since I have started new relationship with someone months ago, I have been looking this word: LOVE from multiple angles.

What is my starting point is How to live REAL LOVE, what is not superficial, not of the mind, not of energies, feelings, emotions, but something deeper, something more lasting and more ‘physical’ in terms of actions should speak louder than thoughts or words.

Within our group, as it’s referred – Desteni – (as we are taking our destiny into our own hands) – there are some Principles as guideline starting points to support self-reflection of who I should accept myself to be and become. About LOVE I quote:

The Principle of Making Love Real – Nurturing and honouring the utmost potential in every individual (including myself) wherein love is not a feeling or emotions, but an action that is lived by doing whatever is necessary to support without compromising myself or the other – without fear of “losing” the relationship or the feelings associated to love, and without accepting or allowing less than my own or my partner’s utmost potential.
(more at : http://desteni.org/about-us#anchor-BLOCK_8432 )

What I am defining:
Within my actions I should live love as care, as support, as To Give as I would like to receive.

Love can be deception, delusion, distraction and total selfishness as well but just as any words, love as a word is not the problem here, but my relationship with it, the definition and the way of how I try to manifest and live it in this world.

My realization is not new, however within focusing recently a bit too much on the word LOVE, for a looooong moment, I disregarded the concept, meaning, principle of LIFE.

Bernard Poolman once raised the question: What would you choose? Love or Life? What these do actually mean?

Within seeking the experience and pursuit of LOVE – I submit to fear, fear of loss and fear of fear.

Within Standing up as Life – I stand as Equality and Responsibility as Do onto others as would like others to do onto me.

I was within worry and fear, thus I was unable to really LIVE LOVE, as I was afraid that fear permeated into my perception and expression.

I was within the temptation of Fear and Love, while I am currently re-aligning, re-standing up as Life, as Equality, thus I can become equal with worry and fear and thus STOP it as part of myself, reunited into and as myself.

This is the best practical way to stop worry and fear, to let go the old definition of emotion-based Love and Stand up as Life as thus re-defining how to live Real Love as Life. Cannot be more simple as this.

Within LOVE – I choose Oneness with those who I love, god, family, friends, etc

however

As LIFE – I express Equality, with all.

It’s really simple common sense.

My worry was originated from my emotion-based definition of relationship and love.

I focus to Principle as LIFE as Give as I would like to receive.

If I worry of my love and feelings will not help, last, matter, I am in fact within self-interest, thus re-alignment is required, to let go what I fear and desire and to stand up to and as ALL LIFE EQUALLY. Absolutely mindblowing.

If this seem like some semi-street-wise spiritual mumbo-jumbo, it is not. It’s pretty practical:

I was trying to stop worry and fear and somewhere I knew that these are just symptoms, I kept sorting them out but they kept coming back and a week ago I had to realize that I am starting to live out a nightmare and after applying self-forgiveness and listening an interview with Bernard Poolman about Angels and Demons and Love and Life – and what I have mentioned within my last blog: Waking Up from a Living Nightmare from EQAFE – I just snapped out of this emotional possession and the re-alignment and relief was quite instant. Still can creep back some worry, but then I vigorously re-align as Principle as Life and from that perspective, I do not need love, I do not worry, I do not fear, but to see what I can directly DO and ACT based on common sense.

If someone does not want me or to be with me – it’s fine – I am Life, how could any worry help with that anyway?
What I can do to change that – should I change it, what happened and why? I investigate, with common sense and if that’s the other’s decision – as I look if all I did, am still doing and going to do to LIVE my openness to the other and then if I really see – did I do all I could and the other still would not want it – I gotta let it go and focus to what’s ahead.

Worry and fear is a sin. Not as sins are real, but in terms of self-honesty: fear is self-dishonesty. Leads to accumulate and manifest things not the best for me and/or all either.

If someone needs support and I worry that things would go wrong – I re-align and purify myself first, and then to look what I can do and committing myself to do all I can. See – if there is place for worry – I am not doing all I could, thus re-alignment is required.

I don’t say Love is bad, I rather re-align my definition of Love as Life! Not limiting but embracing, not fearing but freeing up and let it Live in Physical Action, not just as a feeling, an emotion, but as Living Word.

If people decide to share their life with each other – mutually – that is Life – their love, from both individuals should be the Living Action, not feelings and worries. If Fear is accepted within anyone – that is poisonous and should not be accepted.

Trust is also relevant in this context – what do I choose to trust within? Why would I choose anything other than self directly here? Any entity, definition or force which is not equalized as me as equal as one with and as myself in and as this physical reality seems like a distraction as influences my ability to see directly what’s here – to be able to apply the best practical solution for the problems I encounter.

In a way – what is also an interesting point to open up – that by falling into worry – I had this belief that it’s the way to show that I care, as I value something so much, that within that self-created relationship – I value the thing I value more than value myself as Life here, and that relationship can have condition and that condition can change, thus come and go, and within that – I am dependent, I am relying, I am controlled. That also self-separation through fear. Should not be self-allowed, but self-corrected instantly at it’s appearance within.

Let me clarify – to step out of this halo of love energy into real action – directly, with self-moving awareness, step by step – can also bring up a sort of resonant fear – as I face literally the UNKNOWN – of and as Self – but it’s encouraging to discover that there is something much-much greater beyond Love energy and it is LIFE.

And to stand up as all as life as equal as one as me, it’s individual expression – I can not fall or really die as I am equal with creation and that is where the real deal starts to make sense and the true understanding of existence can start to reveal.

I will continue to explore this and I am grateful for all who support me with embracing or rejection, sharing or disregarding, love or hate – it makes sense and I continue to walk through all fear and worry, self-dishonesty and doubt.

Day 343 – Sadness and blame – Self-forgiveness

IMG_3488Continuing with the realizations and self-correction of my process of suppression, emotional outburst, followed with sadness and loss experience.

For context, this is my last post, where started to open up my emotional and blaming fear.

These Self-forgiveness sentences are what I wrote first – notice that in overall the point I apply self-forgiveness to is my experiences, how I feel, and still blaming the other in somewhat hidden way to justify how I feel:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad, confused, anxious and somewhat traumatized as she rejected and left me, removed my contact from social networks and basically burned up all bridges to even reconnect. (was not true, but I felt like in that time)
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid to put out so much trust, work, hope and expectation to the future with a person who with we had great experiences and plans, but in reality it turned out to be not lasting, and I see the tendency to go into self-judgement and doubt and not realizing that it’s not only myself who is responsible for what is happening, but both of us and I have no influence, power, or even actual understanding of what the other thought, felt as was not mutual sharing since quite some time.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect the other to open up and communicate with me within my belief that it’s also her commitment that solve any conflict or misunderstanding within herself and ourselves as well, and within seeing the lack of it myself to become very direct and not considering that I stopped sharing gentleness and kindness, because of feeling hurt and fear of loss.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the solution, simplicity and common sense to want to process, solve, remove and transcend, while in fact there is initiative and opportunity to MOVE and DIRECT, EXPRESS and LIVE, and wanting to wallow into experiences and then wanting to clean myself up instead of just – not going “there”, but to start doing something which is here in my direct reality, meanwhile if I am distracted or not present, I apply self-forgiveness and self-corrective statement, self-commitment to come back here and let go the strive to go into conflict and judgement again and again and again, which is fear of letting go, even the fear itself.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself today as I had a laugh within which I was forgetting what happened, happens with me and then saying to myself ‘well, I should not feel good, horrible things just happened, so let’s just go back to be sad’ – and within that not realizing the self-abuse and self-punishment.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I got obsessive with reading my emails I send to the other to clarify or try to open up and communicate about points I saw as relevant to discuss about, while the other as communicated, ‘got shocked’ and completely shut down and decided to immediately end any contact with me, which then shocked me as well.

Writing already supported – to slow down, to not only decide but actually do start to forgive and correct myself, thus it’s really important to do it as soon as possible, instead of just fall into storms of emotions, which eventually everyone will realize – kind of waste of time and totally uncool experience. So when I wrote this, I was able to see that this is just the surface and going to continue with (for)-giving myself the understanding to see it more clearly and to realize of what could have done better.

I literally give for myself the opportunity to own all of my past, present and future.

And I move from what I did towards why I did:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt within the other not wanting to communicate with actual calls, but only with texting while I kept missing and longing for actual voice calls, and even when asked for it the other refused to do so and especially feeling hurt in the fact that after all of what we went through together, she did not even bother to tell me in call, just writing me good bye letter without asking or clarifying further. And within all of this focusing only to my feelings, not considering how she could have felt or experienced within this and also not considering that probably it’s the best she sees she can do now and I should respect it, understand it as if I would be in her place and would want to just end it all, then this was very effective.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak up or directly communicate when I already noticed the change within the nature of our communication and I thought that maybe I overreact, maybe it’s just me missing out, being lonely, while all I did was suppressing the point, not communicating, not purifying from within as well, so now cannot be known if it was relevant, practical or fear-related consideration.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel misunderstood and hurt when the other states that she thinks that I am within this relationship for profit and benefit plus advantages and within that realizing that what she perceives of me is completely different from how I experience or perceive, and within that trying to share my starting point to ensure that the other understands it, to be able to let go this fear but within that taking her worry personally and wanting to speak spicy or emotionally charged.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I had, experienced or hoped for was ‘true and real love’ – meanwhile not realizing that it was my hope and desire and I wanted to see it within the thing I was participating in my mind and when I felt it did burst as a bubble with the ‘good bye email’ – I experienced confusion and sadness, as seeing my bubble burst and to see what’s real behind it – myself with my hope and fear of loss – and focusing to the loss of what was not real – as I could have instead of seeing what is here, and still remains real within this all: the movement, the expansion, and still the possibility to step up, own and correct it and also the dedication and mistakes, the missed opportunities, to keep learning, changing and growing.

Next day I was writing again, starting with overall experiences and then right into self-forgiveness.

Also possible to expand towards understanding the other participant’s view, experiences, motivation, action with Self-forgiveness.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to look to the other person’s view, who might saw this as too heavy drama, blame and expectation, to be too busy and demanding, emotional and untrustworthy, and within that not realizing that the things I write indeed indicated that I am disappointed, frustrated and uncertain, meanwhile in fact wanted to communicate that this is what I am currently working through and it might not have to be shared but within that to see the hope I try to rely to, of ‘what if’ I could have not sent that email, then all would be fine, and not realizing that the very existence of that email was actual consequence of all not being fine in the first place.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope and fight for get back what I feel losing, and not letting it go unconditionally and focus to what is in front of me, here in this moment, today.
  • I breathe, I apply self-forgiveness and I expand, I grow and focus on releasing this emotional charge from my human physical body and with that also to practically learn and become able to let this go and focus to what’s here, what’s next and not go into desire, hope, sadness or fear and whenever would go – to realize it was the other persons’ decision, thus I trust that it is the best for her which indeed, in fact always was, and will be a priority to respect and support.

On the upcoming day I was able to more and more focus to the sadness experience with prevention and correction, and started to anchor myself further back here with the support of previously ‘walked’ realizations.

  • I commit myself to stop blaming, I commit myself to stop feeling sad, I commit myself to stop judging myself for what I have done or have not done and I commit myself to focus to what’s ahead, here, next, present.
  • I commit myself to make effort understand the other part’s motivation, experience and understanding.
  • I commit myself to anchor myself into and as physical presence with clear and effective, self-directed and practical mind.
  • I commit myself to communicate with gentleness and the way I would like to be communicated to.
  • I commit myself to recognize the effect of acting based on fear as manifesting it, thus to stop participate within any fear and to stop, forgive, write it down, remember it and recognize the trigger points, the existing self-dishonest relationships with specific words within my mind to be aware of, work with and be able to disengage, release.

These were just samples of the actual written Self-forgiveness, as some are personal points, and some are kind of repetitive, but further specification of the personal points to understand further and more precisely.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to ask the question what I am missing here, why I am surprised, what I can do to solve this in the way I really want – which is to correct myself, let go emotions and fear and focus to what can be done to make the other become aware that I made mistake which I am really correcting and thus offering her to re-consider her decision about our communication and relationship.

Eventually I was able to write a letter to the person wherein I take responsibility for all I did and what I have done wrong and why from my perspective, how should I have done and also to express my gratitude and respect for all we shared and grew together.

The other person recognized the process I have walked, also opened up additional points to share with me about the whole topic we ‘danced around’ and she also explained that there are things what better to keep to self as maybe it’s temporally, yet the pain what can cause with sharing would remain.

Very wise. Indeed, really learned the lesson and committing myself not do do this again – with anyone: to put out my doubt, worry, fear as emotional storm. My responsibility to clarify within self first, then to see what’s supportive and how to share that. So.
Also possible, if both parties are agreeing to – by recognizing – ‘hey, this and that is emerging, we should clarify things – in respective sharing and motivation’. Big difference, which I did not apply as I focused to my experiences of reacting to what I got back as feedback, and within that – I saw my fear within and I got afraid even further when seeing exactly the one thing happening, what I was afraid of – not by coincidence, but my ‘attitude’. Important to realize – when things seem dire and totally uncool – I might see my fear projected out and still there are things to do, or at least to try – instead of stopping to move, express, share and live – to just storm emotions within until they take over and I sit onto the blame-train to just rush, wherever it’s rails would lead me to.

On the next day I continued to open up sadness – and the overwhelming experience of it –  as it was kind of a fear of loss, a give up – not real give up – just a momentary emotion took over and until the energy lasted, I was trying to cope with the loss I perceived – but all was not real – and had to realize that sadness is OK for a moment, if it’s an expression, a living direction – but as an experience, an emotion, a mood – it’s just self-dishonesty.

What is ‘dangerous’ here is that within that fearful experience – I perceive that it is real, and based on that I react and act – and thus I solidify my relationship with a perception, which might not be real, but the more I participate within this pattern, the more it actually becomes. This is a key to each human to recognize about fear. I manifest my worst fear if I give into it.

It is Self-manipulation and Self-sabotage. Thus to forgive this too is common sense:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that if I allow sadness, as an emotion, a mood to cloud me – it’s not self-expression, it’s not self-direction, self-movement, but it’s a give up, a doubt, a failure due to fear experience, due to self-judgement, which is self-dishonest, and instead of investing into reactions, emotions, rather to still look to what I can do to correct my mistakes or if not, then to ensure how never to make them again and to move on.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that sadness and loss experience is a form of giving up, accepting what I perceive as final, because in a pattern of reality, I see my fear to manifest and I react to my fear, superimposed to facts, thus I cannot see what’s here, and within that give up – I give into the opposite of my utmost potential, justified with the perception of already seeing what can happen as worst, and not looking to see options to change the outcome, and within that not asking why not.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give up and become sad about it, and not being honest about it with myself that I am actually sad, because I give up and I am powerless about giving up, and feeling the thing I fear losing as lost, meanwhile it’s only lost within my perception of inflated fear in my mind, and in this sense, I give up what’s real to manifest my fear.
  • I forgive myself hat I have not realized that if I react with sadness – it means I am giving into the self-acceptance of powerlessness, thus it’s an indication of self-dishonesty and the need to step back and re-align with absolute self-honesty to see: it’s not about the other person, but about my giving up and trying to do it as I don’t know about it but if I really slow down within and look at it – I can discover, understand that all I experience, feel, react to and do or don’t do – all: I do, myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the same way as I give into give up and sadness, I also can direct myself to stop lye to myself and start becoming honest, no matter how brutal it might feel, but the first step is to align with reality and facts, and all the pain and reaction of suffering I go through meanwhile – is the realization of how much I took refugee within delusions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have blamed the other, projected doubt and fear to other, meanwhile with my sadness and un-named giving up experience, I was, who went into doubt and used the other’s behavior to justify this and feed into my fear, so then I can keep fearing to lose what is important.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within my decision to stand, to do, to act – is only myself and whatever and whenever I experience any emotional reaction – is all my responsibility – noone can make me disappointed, but myself, and within this to realize that I am not aware of how I am actually responsible for each and every single inner reaction and outer action I experience, participate within or express.

I can do whatever I want, but if I lie to myself – my whole life becomes a lie – everyone can have relationship with anyone, but if they lie to themselves in any way whatsoever meanwhile, that’s their responsibility – with themselves first – as then that is manifested in relation not only self but to the other as well, and then to blame is easy, but hurtful and actually not fair as all starts and stops with self.

Also the ‘I do whatever I want just never to lie to myself‘ – might sound like some Ayn Rand type of egoistic individualist rant – but in fact not, as if I am really-really honest with myself – I can’t lie about the fact of if I do bad things to others, then it’s in overall bad – which by I mean that I would not like to be done to myself for instance and as we are living in a closed system, everything goes around and only the uneducated minds do not realize that. So yes, I can do whatever I want, but also considering others as me as equals – otherwise I am not honest, but on a fake mind-trip. Equals, in the sense of walking same process, just with different situations, points, advantages, disadvantages, but the same type of Self-honesty we all face and should live.

That’s why everyone should be absolutely and very specific about to be honest with self all the time! That’s much more difficult than it sounds due to the preconditioning and imprinting of spoiled civilization norms and the accumulated consequence of endless times existing within self-dishonesty.

In a way, that’s why Process comes first – how would I want to love anyone until I can’t understand and live love to the person, who is always here: myself. I can ‘practise’ – ‘study’, ‘test’ and ‘learn’ how to understand and support this person, who is always here – with me: myself. Relationship with self – sounds weird at first – but if we look at it – everyone already has relationship with their mind, body for instance.

If I direct every movement, every word, if I write, keep diary/blog, to decompose mind-patterns and to decide what is supportive, what is not, what to expand with, what to stop: That’s practical love. Loving self is not ego, neither selfishness – those who are full of ego or ‘themselves’ – they are not really loving themselves, they are lost in the echo chamber of their mind, resulting with losing real connection, real empathy, real response-ability with others – that is not love, that is just evolution of the mind with the starting point of fear.

So, when being in relationship with someone – in a way – does not matter what type of relationship – to take responsibility for myself, to be able to stand – first – and then to share and care what’s relevant – thus literally expand myself with the same principles – well, technically, there is no separation then – as just self-expansion within living this practical, real, grounded, ‘physical’ love.

Physical, meaning cross-referenced with facts, actual, in this world, system-support. Not meant physical love as sex – although that also can be part of it, but in a very specific type of relationship. Just mentioning this not to be misunderstood of the phrase ‘physical love’.
It means practical, grounded, reliable, stable and clear – just like the matter around us, or our body, the breath – in relation to the mind – this is good start to cross-reference to assist and support with self-directing letting go delusions, fears, convictions, beliefs.

Taking out the garbage, dishwashing, cleaning the toilet, or taking initiative on something around the living area, house and own the responsibility reliably, to get problems or things to do from the other and solve it by myself, to remain consistent, to not get moody, to be able to listen and notice small things – these are just examples on what one can find about physical love – action on earth, what matters.

When one does not get immediate emotional energetic stimulation reward for things to do, those things are what can be de-prioritized, judged as inferior, mundane, not enjoyable – but its not true. Its all in my head and I can re-align perception to whats really best for all participants – in the house, family, etc. It’s the actual details one has to go into to find out what practical love could really mean, not the emotional love drama as in the movies. In the movies they don’t even go to toilet(or if they do, get killed probably in a morbidly strange way) —  its not real 🙂 , but what I do today, here is.

See – it’s tough – maybe just for me, maybe for others too – to engage on decomposing and re-defining the word love, especially as I have quite some years already with experiences, mistakes, falls, stand ups, memories, of some I have already walked with Self-forgiveness to change in relation to – and towards some: not yet and definitely going to – directly or just would come up in relation to some situation.

After all, I was able to apologize to the other person for my doubt, my fear, my worry and wanting attention and clarification, guarantee and to cling onto feelings and energies and to stick to practical living – it always depends on the type of relationship people are within, and in this situation: what we agreed on, what we meant by that, how we felt about it, what did we share about it and what we actually did.

Also important point – did she acted the best way possible? Could she also have extended to ‘save’ this? Certainly. It was up to her and was overwhelmed with extremely important things thus in that moment decided not to. It’s ok. This process here is about what I can take responsibility for and as I go along the way – I trust myself on what I accept and allow within my relationship – with myself – and other too. And in this sense, it’s my decision if I am still ok with her stepping out from this. I mean, if would be no mutual support and commitment and real action towards solutions and growth, then I’d obviously re-evaluate my commitment. Just sharing this point to others about when if someone would face a relationship what does not seem supportive at all and not everyone stands on the same side so to speak.

But here with this person I reacted and worried about, we do stand on the same side, and had to learn about expanding communication and self-responsibility this way.

It’s quite a difference from what I wrote first, what caused the ‘stirring in the water’ – and if I could have started like this, would have been such difference.

As I saw a potential of an outcome and I judged it and felt bad about it and focused to that option, what I did not like – and thus feeding it – instead of to see what I can do, to change the outcome with fall into reactions and stop moving.

But to be able not to react – often one has to forgive the already self-accepted patterns and automatic behaviour of being reactive – and for being able to change/stop that – one must understand it’s details to the utmost specificity. Not some magic mantra, if someone says it a million times, as believing that it would help with some vibration of universal love – that’s pretty much the definition of delusion. What I mean is to exactly be able to describe everything happened within self and in reality with words – to see the whole scenario as clear as possible – understanding motives, reasons, starting points and context – and thus to see what’s the source, the origin – and what was the trigger point. When next time would come, I see BEFORE activates, thus I can PREVENT my nasty, worried, emotional self to act out. This is a skill, can be learned and be effective with it, just like with riding a bike or learning language. It’s very specific and tedious process, but it works, no doubt. Worthy of every moment to spend time with, I guarantee.

This is – after – some time passed – my ‘new’ Self-forgiveness point to be added to the topic, what I have realized about it since then:

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I got stuck in a pattern, which I defined as something predictable, safe and hopeful, and when the pattern did not play anymore, I got worried, that this means – CHANGE means – bad as it leads to unknown, which is scary as within the darkness of unknown, I fear that the worst I can imagine would wait for me, thus not only hesitating to step into, but also fearing to acknowledge it, and triggering a frustration and sadness and not realizing I literally got afraid of my own mind-shadow, which made me try to run away while blaming the other.

– quite interesting.

Self-forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts any human can ever apply, as it can be directed to various types, forms and shapes of problems to understand more, to become more responsible and effective by becoming aware of the points one faces with the starting point of self-honesty and focus to practical understanding and self-directed change.

Any frustration, limitation, conflict or fear surfaces within me – I apply self-forgiveness to give the opportunity for myself to understand this point, to be able to cross-reference the factors and to see what’s real, relevant and supportive. And from that point of view – what I feel or being convinced about – should be re-evaluated with fully available information and understanding.

I will continue on an other point I have realized about being non-reactive and what I mean by that in a self-honest way and keep expanding on the realizations and self-forgiveness(to further specify and correct of what I wrote here) to support myself to keep walking from self-interest, fear and delusion to practical and living love.

Until that – consider this free online course if you have not yet walked it – can really support to understand human consciousness, yourself and others more:

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 340 – Emotions and Self-honesty

IMG_0898After yesterdays blog, I might have opened up Pandora’s box within myself as today I was quite emotional. (Well, before yesterday)

It’s rare thing for me, most of my life I’ve lived with perfecting suppressing emotions, but I am actually stopping as proven to be not the best approach(obviously), which might mean I do find myself within reactions.

I start with clarifying – within DIP online courses emotions are the negative-related energetic experiences, such as fear, worry, jealousy, hate, sadness, etc, while feelings are the positive ones, such as happy, excitement, etc.

Neither of them is bad or good, they are simply put: tools for expression. The self-dishonesty about these is that when they come and go ‘automatically’ and I am the puppet, when I am actually giving permission to get emotional, angry, sad, ‘fall into love’ or become obsessed with happy feelings, etc.

The practical approach within learning on how to LIVE words directly(instead of being influenced, stimulated by) is to redefine my relationship and meanings in relation to self-honesty and considerations of all participants of my reality here. Example: Instead of wanting to experience joy, I answer the question of ‘How can I Live Enjoyment?’.

Thus, it is Self-movement I live, not going through experiences and reacting, bouncing, conflicting through.

So, my commitment to stop suppressing emotions is about to break the following habit:

  • I experience/see/think of something what I have judgement about, somewhat memory, association, personal involvement.
  • I react with the judgement, I feel a certain energetic experience
  • I recognize that I am moving away from ‘center’ as this emotion would start to overwhelm me
  • I suppress the emotion, just ‘swallow it’, ‘push it down’ with a single inner movement, saying ‘go away’
  • I am here, clear, kind of logical, focused, stable again

This can happen quite automatically, part of my personality, in fact pretty fast, if I am not present and aware, I do not even notice that I am doing it.

There are various layers of why this became ‘normal’ for me – but mostly because I recognized that I am quite impaired and limited, less effective and compromised to apply logic and common sense when I am overwhelmed with emotions related to fear.
Kind of a weakness as I have defined it, thus better to spend time within this kind of states the least possible.

So instead of facing the fear, understanding it’s reality-related connection, I just want it to go away, instead of solving it’s origin.

Within my ‘culture’ – also to be a ‘man’ – means not to get ‘soft’ but strong, rigid and solid all the time, and with emotions I felt more vulnerable, unpredictable and unstable, so pretty early I decided not to spend too much time within emotional states, thus suppression, as ‘swallowing’ the reaction, suffering, doubt and fear became my second nature.

What I have not realized, seen and understood before, is that each and every emotion suppressed is not going anywhere, but stays with me, accumulates and creates layers, blocks and another level of automatic personality behaviour within me, and the top of that, once reached some kind of limit, I just can’t hold it anymore, kind of exerting it out, without any direction, control or power over it, regardless of situation, company or consideration. And that is quite a problem.

So, that’s why I am walking DIP PRO course, writing this blog, applying self-forgiveness, to understand myself more and prevent suppressing, but solving problems, so no need to judge, react, go into inner thinking mode – as whenever I do so – I am not acting, because of doubt, fear, confusion, resistance, and when I do not act and move in reality, I internalize, I suppress, and that is a sign of facing a point and remaining within self-dishonesty.

Thus the responsibility point presents itself what I take and work with. The DIP course is invaluable within supporting and I have changed so much in the last couple of years and this blog and overall expansion and stability of mine is in a way already a living proof, yet it’s still a process, thus I keep walking the course and this blog as well.

Within the last years, especially since ended my last, quite hectic and conflicting partnership some years ago, these emotional states became less intense, I must say I was and am much-much more stable and present.

Within the current partnership I am, since quite some months, I am having experiences I never had before, more direct enjoyment, trust, sharing and opening up with myself and ‘my’ lady, and more and more I push myself to become vulnerable, feel more, let go of fear and distrust and be completely open. It is great and eternally grateful I am as step by step learning to live without doubt and fear, sometimes still stumbling but in overall this process is good.

So, in a nutshell, this is in relation to suppressing my emotions and years of walking this process allows me to trust, even when something not so comfortable or nice experience comes, as more and more I have a direct reference of how it is when I am physically here, and that becomes my foundation, where to I return from the storms my self-conditioned mind still sometimes creates.

Today was another of these storms I see now, and in a way I created it, but also it was flooding me at the same time.

The recent experiences I am going through also added to it and accumulated me to intensify certain emotions, which are uncertainty and sadness, loneliness and sorrow.

The main triggering point was that I have finished watching – well, through the last days, today ‘The Leftovers’ TV series. Without spoiling, it is a great show, if someone is interested in the deeper psychology of people, who had great traumas and those still influencing their lives to the point of very sad and insane moments from time to time.
The initial interest in it was not this topic for me, but ‘writer of Lost’ and ‘mystery’ and quality in overall, but through the seasons I found this profound value of the characters change and interaction.

The rhythm, the balance; the artistic expression combined with the great actors performance, the exceptional music – it was very emotional, – within each episode, well composed to have these peak moments, when I just had these tearful moments until the end of the whole season and closure, when I reached this total emptiness and sadness, sorrow and what I associated with it is the reality of each human individual’s constant and consistent exposure to traumatic experiences throughout our entire lives and how much that influences, compromises us, humans to do what could be best for all.

I had very busy months behind, each day, committed to do specific things and that gave me purpose, and looks like my commitment and consistent application soon fruits it’s result in the planned way, however today I was at the point of nothing more to do, yet the outcome is not yet fully manifested, and thus all of a sudden I feel empty, nothing moves me, but I also do not move either.

I know I should, also that I will, but what came was that I want to be in this emptiness, to see what’s still within the depths of me to face who I was, to embrace, to let go and focus to move on.

What did not happen with me since maybe a decade, I skipped hydrating today, usually I am drinking liters of water, and I was not hungry. Thus, I recognized that I am not in sync with my physical, so I fried a pre-made pizza, I ate, still was not hungry, but once started eating, I started to ‘come down’ with this emotional state.

Also chatted with my lady, did not want to share how I feel but we have trust and care, so decided to just concisely express myself and within writing it was another step assisting and supporting to see and recognize what I am experiencing and then become aware of how I have moved today with this whole time line of becoming emotional and started to step out of it. After drinking almost a litre water and still feeling thirsty, I finally recognized that I was kind of ‘out’ for a while and actually supporting my body, then resting more brought back and I was/am able to continue with more present, self-directive and considerate daily living.

I even could relate to some lsd acid trips, it was in a way similar experience, but not in the sense of effects, but the inner storm, ‘death’ and silence and exponentially(first slowly, then more and more directly) awakening.

In overall, I would say this was a long time emotion suppressing reaching it’s threshold to be triggered to need to be discharged and kind of exerting.

What was actually cool about it that I had no doubt that I get to stabilize soon, was no fear or even shame this time, and within crying I felt relief. Well, it was not actual sobbing, like I had in 2014 when after all struggles my ex girlfriend told me she would leave, then I was really crying for about a minute and then I was clear again.

This time was just crying, kind of submitting into the watched drama’s roller coaster, yet it was supporting in a way.

What I see here in this all as I could have done ‘better’ and will do in any case of similar ‘next time’ to anchor myself more to presence, to apply forgiveness WITHIN the storm, to accelerate self-stabilization.

Also I was not entirely certain to share it with my partner, as did not want to seem unstable or sad, but we are both very busy nowadays thus did not communicate much, so I felt better to share than to just stay quiet.

Let’s walk self-forgiveness to open up additional points towards practical solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress emotional experiences with which I can’t deal, control or stop influencing me to become unstable, and never realizing that suppressing means accumulating.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that with what I don’t learn to deal with in self-honesty, will keep controlling me and my life until I stand up and take responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself of what were the actual points, judgements and reactions I kept suppressing recently and thus accumulating to the point of exerting in a way what manifested in being moody, sad and worried and thus not being able to see what I participate within, or even prevent stepping into.

I forgive myself that I have not assisted and supported myself in the exact moment of ANY judgement, reaction or emotion I would manifest within myself with slowing down, re-aligning with physical presence and to be able to look at the point I am about to react to and suppress by believing that I can’t or do not have to deal with this right now, but will do later, or even thinking ‘I hope this will be solved, or my observation and suspicion would turn out to be not true’.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to exactly see the points with what I started to ‘have a relationship with’ as assumption, observation, belief and worry and first of all not solve it within myself, or if it is about to communicate with the person I am experiencing it relation to and I am clear on that I should engage communication with, then to do it in a way what is clear, concise and supportive for finding solution and agreement.

I will continue walking these points…

Day 326 – Desteni meeting in Europe

IMG_1833Some weeks ago I was in Brussels, where I met with a lot of people, who are, just like me, walking the process of Self-honesty and 7 years Journey to Life blogs. Most, if not all of these people are also walking the awesome online courses of Desteni I Process.

We were more than two dozens and many other Europeans still could not come, but it was already extraordinary to see and even hug so many people, who are behind these blogs I read and to just enjoy being with them, together.

Well, I knew some of them from previous meetups, but most of them I only knew from what they are sharing online through their blogs and vlogs, articles and videos on their social network profiles – just like me.

By the nature of these writings and videos, which is of self-realization, self-honesty, self-correction and self-forgiveness, the deeper understanding of what these individuals are dealing within their life, their mistakes, falls and standing ups, their secret mind, the points they do or do not like within themselves,  and this openness really supports to establish a more direct, honest and intimate communication as almost literally being able to read their minds can quite reveal the nature of their deeper selves, which naturally manifests a more honest relationship with them.

Because we could talk all day about the weather, but if about self and problems and solutions, then it is much less superficial and more real connection.

What becomes obvious quite immediately is that these are ‘every day’ people, they have a profession, a personal life, they talk, they smile, they hug and sharing a vast variety of expressions, quite naturally.

Everyone, literally anyone of this meeting I’ve talked with, I was able to have a direct, deep and meaningful conversation, often came to context of explaining an intimate point either something supporting, such as expansion or realization or a limitation, a fear, or something not so cool or a self-dishonesty and talking about how to approach a solution.

I could easily call this meeting as the opposite of superficial conversations as everyone was enjoying to become open and kind of brutally honest and it is something I value very much and I can experience it here and there back at home too, but within this ‘density’ I’ve never experienced before as at this meeting.

What became clear from the first moment is that all of us are walking through our own mind, self-dishonesty since quite some years, and we are realizing that although we each are walking completely different life path, also we are birthing the exact same quality of life force into physical expression. And this is like a real brotherhood without the blood-connection, but as a self-honesty, direct life-force connection.

Many claim that we exist as a cult, which always was, is and ever will be a ridiculous claim, and the exact proof for it was this meeting for anyone to realize that this is about simplicity, practical common sense and humbleness as we are able to see within each the same life potential as within ourselves. But to be able to honor that within others, first I have to uncover, purify and birth it to live myself.

There were a LOT of insightful conversations, also beings through the Portal with Sunette and shared points to consider, realize and live, such as realizing how ridiculous is to be mesmerized and stopped by fear of death, or to be able to own my own life and take authority on things I’ve went through and realized, manifested and lived.
It was very humbling experience to see everyone to get and even give direct support and how extraordinary and casual it was.
I’ve also got so more points to reflect back, cross-reference and work with to continue walking through and stopping inner resistances, self-limitations, self-definitions and energetic stimulations, which I am going to continue walk here.

The founder guy of this kind of expression, principle, movement was Bernard Poolman and many ‘followed’ him and when he passed away, a lot of individuals claimed that since then, Desteni is not the same, lost it’s edge, not really expanding.

I’d say, this meeting was the living proof for the exact opposite.

Many Europeans are walking their process of self-honesty and breath by breath, step by step, word by word they start to own their lives and become more clear and directive from within, expressed into the world, unified, unrestricted within the principle of equality and oneness as the starting point of what is best for all.

And that principle is so simple that many miss it as it is always here, just humans got accustomed to not being here in and as the physical flesh, as awareness but moved into mind consciousness energetic and systematic experiences and that process of awareness starts with (my)self here: what is best for me and my reality within absolute self-honesty? To stop being influenced, dragged down, limited by my past. Thus to work through that in this world, to share that process, to walk it unconditionally, that is an honor I am proud to witness and be able to participate within.

We are all going to die inevitably, that is a no-brainer and we do not have choice with that. Period.
But as who we are going to live as, and what consequences we are manifesting, what living example we show to our current and next generations – that is each and every single individual’s responsibility, and that is not a choice either. So better own that responsibility.

Big realization was also to see that it is not about when I am with ‘my kind of’ people, but actually, I can and should live the same way, talk to any other beings on earth equally open and direct, regardless if they do walk the same specific self-support course, technique, or not because what matters is self-honesty and practical awareness and responsibility, equally within everyone’s life.

Thus, this meeting have reminded me that organizing, connecting and sharing is power and I should not limit my self-expression about wanting to find or have the same starting point in relation to anyone, as that what I learn and express within this group, it is the same to be able to always live the same potential, regardless of who I am with, but simply: ‘as who I am’, period.