Day 347 – Investigating Fear and emotions and Standing up as Life

prupMade an impromptu VLOG about points coming up – mostly about I’ve been facing recently. Just a process update on how I am dealing with fear and self-dishonesty.

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Day 339 – Energy: Admitting facts for Self-Change

webContinuing with the energy craving mentality decomposition

Its a great opportunity as at the moment getting really tired and this is when usually can this mentality be noticed.
It’s when I want to experience intensity, sense of movement, energetic experiences, excitement, tension and in overall kind of a ‘high’. Well, it’s not self-expression, as it is to compensate, to distract and actually entertain and self-stimulate, in a way simulate living, which I do not do and accepting myself not living with the mesmerizing energetic experiences I keep re-creating. Thus let’s change it!

I directly apply Self-forgiveness on upcoming points. At times I still see that I have conflict within, thus need to continue with the understanding.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself in relation to the energy craving mentality within my mind, which is almost literally ‘can attack’ when I am in doubt that I did not do all I could for the day or when I feel that I am feeling tired, but I feel that I should do more today.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that it’s not about ‘today’ what I did – as obviously if I make ‘today’ longer, then ‘tomorrow’ must become shorter as I can’t cheat time, and meaning I try to use the unit of time to compensate with the already obvious, yet not self-admitted realization that I feel as I did not do all I could, but I want to, I should to and in a way I also would do, yet feeling tired, exhausted, thus I want to feel energetic, thus I should feel the need to stimulate myself to literally ‘generate’ energy within my mind by specific patterns to participate within just to feel the day longer and within that not realizing that the fear, as it’s source is actually in the center of it all, which actually sabotages direct and effective application for the things I fear not progressing with.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that there is a mind-trick I apply with myself all the time, which is that I slice up time and creating ‘progressing’ moments and ‘let go’ or ‘give in’ moments and within this system I am not in direction and it’s basically similar construct to the spiritual/divine moments which then prioritizes moments, and when participating within the ‘not focused, self-directive’ moments, at the same time accumulating frustration and inner conflict of ‘not doing enough’, which then wanting to compensate once it’s reached a threshold, or the end of the day is coming at night, when being tired and sleepy.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am not realizing the practical common sense and the direct solution to my re-creational self-sabotaging frustration and feeling of ‘not doing enough’ experiences, which is to not give in to the ‘give up’ moments to participate, and not create judgements, frustrations in the first place, yet to be honest with myself within self-direction to see what are my needs and wants within absolute, brutal self-honesty, and if I would see needing entertainment for example, just give it to myself within my own direction, not as ‘give into’ by suppression, desire and fear of missing out, then falling into it and then losing discipline and direction.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the simple solution for my energy addiction is to be honest with myself of what I want or need, desire or strive for and then to check each and every single one of these with common sense and to see which is supportive, which I can ‘afford’ in terms of prioritizing my time and resources, effort and participation and then if it’s applicable, to ‘give’ it to myself, or if its not supportive/doable at the moment, then to decide to postpone – or if it’s not supportive at all or doable, then to let it go, forgive and focus on directly working to really let it go actively until I am clear, here, present without temptation or desire, suppression or fear(of missing out).
  • Basically be practical and structured, organized and considerate.

There are not many ‘things’ what I can fall into with suppression but in overall the reason is a self-identification, self-perfection-related self-image superimposed to who I am currently – thus there is a ‘rift’ between actual and with what I deal through my mind of myself.

Sounds creepy, although it’s a typical human thing, to not clearly see who we exactly are, but with some pink or even grey glasses so to speak, so the first step is to see actual facts and thus becoming able to work with those to align and unify all of self here through decomposing and forgiving, re-defining and re-aligning the words with I perceive, experience, express and live in the physical.

For instance if I look at honestly – I can judge myself on ‘watching TV series‘ – it can take a lot of time, it’s just entertainment, while sometimes I can do other things, but if it’s interesting I just watch – and if not interesting, I do not watch actually, so it’s time consuming – if my priorities do not progress as should, I can feel ‘uncool’ about it.

Justifications and excuses also can and should be investigated and dealt with – such as ‘I had hard working day, let’s relax’, ‘I am too tired to do anything constructive’ or ‘It’s so interesting story, relates to my life’, ‘Just one episode, or while I eat, or do this or that’…etc – it’s OK to do do it, but if I feel not good about it – I create problem within about it. And if I just let it go and ‘give in’ – and just watch without worry of other things do not progress because of this – then I might feel bad about those anyway – so no escape from self actually, not for long anyway…thus better to get clear on this…

Well, its often so subtle – ‘uncool’ – see, not as ‘bad’ – just not so cool – as there is suppression – I have this judgement, negative emotion, instant suppression – all in a split second – and then I am ‘clear’ – but it happened, it accumulates somewhere and doing it enough times and it grows to the point of not so suppressed, but as an issue.
Then all of the tiny emotional suppression altogether stand up and say HELLO – and then I can’t ignore it, well, I can’t even do anything else as I just feel that I have this tidal wave awakening within me and I have to deal with it, and man, that’s tiresome and time consuming – and then I am exhausted, spent time with: not with priority, and then dealing with my inner waves, and the (to)day comes to it’s end and I am tired, yet did not progress with things as I wanted to, and that’s the point and inner conflict of what I write about to recognize, decompose, forgive and prevent.

I mean, when hearing stories about ‘extremely effective/successful men and their actions in the world’ – they might have had similar problems but could overcome and become one whole expression to do what they committed to do, thus become very effective with – it’s not impossible, just needs structure, self-honesty, motivation, direction and self-supporting tools and apply it, one step at a time to become unified within to be able to do what one really wants. Would I also want to become this ‘very effective/successful? I do not accept self-limitations and committed to find out my utmost potential, which means to keep exploring, understanding, growing!

Well, as I mentioned, the only way is to roll up my sleeves so to speak and get into the specific details to the utmost. Here meaning of what exact topics, points I judge myself as wanting to be different than I am actually – or within that want, actually seeing myself differently as I am – here the ‘fake it until make it’ does not work, thus better to change directly than to pretend, and it starts with admitting flaws, dishonesty, mistakes.

Just a short story – my father had drinking problems and later mental health issues too – but he kept avoiding to admit these, so he was ignoring facts until grew up on him to the extent of literally losing himself and his life with the overwhelming experiences of the accumulated things he never took responsibility for.

Thus, to admit problems – is although difficult, uncomfortable, can be even shameful for a moment, yes, but necessary to align with reality, and in fact can assist and support to realize the extent of self-dishonesty and self-compromise I allow myself to live within, and thus to really decide and stand up to change.

And ‘watching series‘ is just one example – although the things I experience are complex, as can relate to to my human interpersonal relationships, difficulties to be dealt with in family, at work, career, daily things, sexual desire or suppression, bully, any doubt, distrust, to see how the world is and face sadness, shame, or in overall questioning direction of my life, or financial, money points to face – each to deal with, while not get exhausted, overwhelmed, thus to balance it out with staying healthy, effective and growing, live with enjoyment, enthusiasm and innocent yet responsible and be open and able to share insights, support – it’s an art, but the key to it all is to learn and live being honest with myself, as if this one point I ever miss, then I actually can miss ‘myself’ within it all, which then start manifesting ‘glitches’, ‘reactions’, ‘frustrations’, ‘self-judgement’, ‘frustrations’, then manifesting worries, fears, then desires, etc…

One breath at a time to walk through points – and although there are many dimensions, take one thread, which bothers the most, and walk it through – and probably open another dimensions, insights, but I keep disciplined on walking this through – and if necessary, I hold this point – and clear out another what is necessary, and once that is clear, I understand myself on why and how I do what is not supportive, then I forgive, and move on with the initial point. Sounds simple. That’s why writing is key – not just thinking through, but to walk a point, word by word, the thread of Ariadne – of sanity, self-honesty and self-direction is writing here to see the patterns as I unfold with being honest with myself until all the maze of my consciousness is mapped and I see the pattern, the way in and out and I change the maze to be direct and simple, yet supporting and effective.

So, one step ‘closer’ to see directly the patterns with I create these energy craving spirals within what are getting more and more rare, less and less intense, but still way to understand, decompose, forgive and prevent myself participating, and it also entails on how to live what I not yet, but I could and actually wanting to.

AWESOME support on this and another topics at EQAFEhttps://eqafe.com/

Day 336 – Self forgiveness to deal with sadness

IMG_2383sWho I am with Self-forgiveness?

I am sharing my process of Self-forgiveness since almost ten years now and I’d like to reflect back on this extraordinary journey and discovery of self, a liberation, a re-alignment and change, which keeps continuing and expanding every day.

If anyone says or thinks – “I am done with self-forgiveness, there is nothing else to forgive” – I’d say that person should not be trusted. Why? Because that person

  • a) thinks that now ascended to another level – obviously only within the realms of ego
  • b) clearly sees that the job is certainly not yet done, but wants to appear that way for some reason – again, very cautious one should be with that person

It’s fascinating to see that so many people are keep preaching about god and jesus – while they have no idea about the depth – the actual debt – of forgiveness as through thought, word and deed within unification.

Fortunately – and unfortunately for many – the equation is very simple – there is no middle ground, any blame or justification, denial or resistance towards equality means that the person is still existing within the mesmerizing experience-series of self-interest.

And it’s alright – well, not for long, but until the moment of self-realization: there is no other choice but to embrace and acknowledge, accept and own the fact that I am responsible. Everyone is.

Each and every single human being is equally responsible for the current manifestation of earth.

It might sound silly, bad, or even offending, thus I’d suggest to say it aloud for a couple of times to let your own sound, voice and resonance to vibrate in the air, through your body and thus reach the mind as well to recognize, it’s a great opportunity to accumulate something what could support all.

I know, quite some people who have difficulty to understand the equality point within all’s process, and for myself I also have difficulty to try to explain.

For me, this immediately made sense when I first read it at ‘desteni.org’ – I am always equal and one with and as what I am located within/experiencing/expressing.

How can I not be equal and one with what is here, when I am always here.

I am telling here, literally here: it is not a physical pointer, this word what it refers to: here, but it’s a self-expression of who I am.

Or who I am NOT as a matter of fact, when I am not fully here, present, in this moment expressing directly with – into – and as – the physical substance, again: here, consistently.

So let’s walk a point emerged recently:

Yesterday I was very busy, I had a point what I took very seriously, something to do, accomplish, get done and I had extreme lot of difficulty, thus I could not do as I want and I got carried away with frustration several times.
It was fascinating to see that I want something soooooooo much, everything is here as opportunity to make me own the thing, to get it done, yet I was unable to. And the more I wanted, the less I progressed, like literally banging my head to a brick wall without anything changing, except my head feels more pressurized.

I was waving, energies were flowing through my mind, I got hooked into energy intensity, wanting to have more energy. After an exhausting day, I just could not rest, wanted to have more experience, so actually went out, I was driving on the highway to find some place to have dinner and I tried to compensate tiredness with energy.

So it’s this writing’s realization – that every day I can see patterns and there is no such thing as ‘I can’t become better version of myself anymore’ – that is self-delusion, well – self-deception actually. But the good thing about it that it always comes with a reason, a justification.

Why should I keep limited within this situation exactly? It’s actually fear, even the bravest soldiers can have this. I’ve met with seasoned veteran also, his point, to return home, to go to playground, where it’s peace – that freightened him, more than being on the warfield, where everything is more determined, simplistic, even if it means he faces high percentage of death.

So, my point here is that when I am tired, exhausted, I should not identify myself with that experience, as it ‘seems’ like sad, lack of energy, in a way even ‘depressed’ – and my past ‘tactic’ was to stimulate myself with intensified moments to have ‘higher vibration of energetic mind experiences’ – so then I do not feel that ‘low’.

But actually what I was dealing with was real tiredness.
So it’s a lesson to learn to be able to differentiate between real tiredness and mental/emotional tiredness(from doing the same pattern all the time and expecting same result but deep within knowing that this is not going to change(=definition of insanity), thus feeling sad about it, instead of doing something actually).

And I rested well, had more rest during this(next) day and had a coffee. Everything is more clear now, and one point to note to self that I also can have tendency to react more to others when I am exhausted. I talked with someone and I thought ‘she is really sad and not feeling good’ – and well, it was partially true, but what I ‘thought’ as extra – was completely my projection.

Well, it’s easy to say: don’t do that, like someone else would say: it’s common sense, come on, why would you need to spend hours with writing and forgiveness, why don’t you just be smart?

Accumulation and the simplest yet greatest math to understand is the key here:

1+1=2 – who I am is result of accumulation and it might just takes equal amount to change that – lack of self-honesty, disregard of common sense, awareness and responsibility was accumulated for so many days, that it’s patterns my mind and body became comfortable to do almost (or not completely) automatically. Enough to skip presence in one breath and these patterns can start acting out by themselves – well, these patterns are also me, so no escape from responsibility by separating my personality/behavior/character from self-identification.
But actually the solution is to become exactly aware of these and own them, embrace, don’t judge, and for a moment to accept who I am and thus to see the extent of insanity if I am still self-dishonest with a pattern.

Such as identifying myself, as who I am, in relation to feeling good or bad, stable or weak, when I am tired, exhausted.
In a way, then I am more vulnerable to my acceptances and allowances to own me, and they are just showing who I am today, but certainly not determining who I would have to remain so, as I can accumulate decision, commitment, honesty and motivation to change, step by step, breath by breath, day by day.

So when I write about the point I see as self-dishonest and want to change about it, it’s great that I realized it, but still there are dimensions to it what I simply HAVE TO aware of in order to be able to effectively and certainly change this point within me.

I might have insight of WHY I had, have tendency to want to identify myself energetic states, and defining myself as sad and depressed, when being tired.

Also the mind is really an energy-hungry mechanism, which I am sure that actual science has not yet looked at thus most of humanity has no idea about it within it’s utmost specificity.

Myself, also knowing about it only, because walking Desteni I Process online course and listening the extremely profound education found at http://eqafe.com – they are way ahead of our time in terms of understanding, actual support and practical solutions to personality, mental, emotional and in general self-support. It would be a great mistake to disregard this website and it’s content, especially for those, who are really interested about how consciousness, the human mind and in general creation works. Just remarkable.

So, everyone has their own mind-mojo to boost their ego, the bubble of self-interest, wherein people can retreat to and ‘rejuvenate’, to refresh, fill up and often it’s done with not absolutely self-honest action, but with abuse of self or others.

I mean, no offense to myself, but when I am exhausted, why can’t I just rest directly? What’s the problem with the tiredness experience, what I am going through actually within those moments, what I want to avoid?
This is relevant, and I understand that many require therapy from others, but with writing, self-honesty, DIP online courses, I can directly open up and walk through these points.

And although it sometimes brings up quite ‘not really to be proud of’ things, or even nasty patterns from the mind, but sharing here does not mean that I should be ashamed of – well, exactly the opposite – I am honoring myself to discover, understand and share these patterns as I also recognize that this is not really who I am, but at the moment this is I have take responsibility for.

But if I keep hiding it within myself, like a secret from others – that means I dont want others to see this within me – which in fact means I do not want/or I believe I can’t change this, so I am going to remain like this, that’s why I want to hide it. Which literally means I have no power over this -> not cool.
Rather to expose all secrets thus my mind can rest but not just by sharing with everyone, but by sharing how I am working on it to change.

I am sure of that’s the real power of social networks, sharing our inner in a structured way which can help to understand more, so then solutions can be found more effectively and broadly.
No judgement, if people share picture of their dinner, but I mostly focus on social networks to these kind of things: self-honesty, self-forgiveness, real intimacy, wanting to change, find out real potential, how to make love livable, not just a feeling or desire, how to deal with addictions, self-dishonesty, fears, resistances, and many of my contacts there do the same, so their post are more real, intimate in a way, which when I read it, I really can have insight of what they are actually going through.
They might also share some point I am also dealing with so can have actual support, or I would face similar issues later, or someone around me, so I can be supportive. That’s awesome actually.

Let’s open this restlessness/sad/energy crave point before finishing here.

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized, allowed myself to clearly see and understand, when I am exhausted to the point of not recognizing that I have tendency to become unstable and more susceptible to negative emotional patterns, with which I try to fight against, as not wanting to experience, face, or realize within; thus wanting to stimulate myself to experiences where I feel more energetic, uplifted or ‘dynamic’.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I fight myself within with energetic experiences, self-stimulation by wanting to feel good, eating sweets, all of a sudden becoming horny, needing lot of coffee or tea, go out to experience thrill – it is the moment I am trying to avoid to experience something within me, which exists in a way I don’t want or can’t change yet, but it’s too uncomfortable to remain within experiencing it.
  • I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself to be open and direct with myself to see why I feel the day as ‘unsatisfying’, even after a hard working day, so still wanting, needing more experience, yet it’s clear that I am exhausted and common sense suggests resting and relaxing.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the real point within myself, which I feel exposed to, vulnerable in relation to, when I am tired, thus not having energy to disregard within myself or get distracted from by my usual daily activities, habits – to realize what is – or are – the real thing(s) making me unsatisfied, restless and actually sad.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that what points I am bothered with, feeling unhappy and unsatisfied are the points I perceive myself being powerless in relation to, which I can’t change at the moment, or changing it requires consistent and constant self-movement, direction, change, application, work, effort and investment, which I convinced myself or excused myself from it that I can’t do it or it’s not quick enough solution.
  • I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself that I am frustrated about not getting what I want right now, and previously the things were like this I intentionally did let go, so I do not feel frustrated and I believed that is self-liberation, but actually accepting my limitations, and within these times I stick to my decisions, which of some requires longer time to manifest, but at the meantime, when I am not stable, present and self-honest, I can feel as not good enough, thus myself not being good enough, wanting to do more, stay awake more as well, as feeling I did not do all I could but wanting to, even when I am clearly in a state when I am not effective and already ‘burning my reserves’ in terms of physical energy.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within not wanting to rest at night I am being faced with a point of ‘I did not do everything I could’ as self-judgement, which I do not want to accept, however it’s already done – and also possible that I actually did, but just perceiving or believing I did not – because the things I move manifest slowly in physical real timeline and within my mind I imagined, dreamed, desired perfect and immediate solutions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within my mind what I imagine as perfect/desirable by itself has nothing to do with reality and if I do not relate, bring down to earth with viable plan, structuring, consideration and reality awareness, I am existing within delusion, thus self-dishonesty if I get frustrated about why not desire/fantasy come true.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I did not want to be honest with myself about the fact that I miss my girlfriend being with me as she travelled away and I always feared to be dependent and connected as did not want to have the missing experience, so rather I’ve closed myself down and did not get anyone that really close or define her as important part of my life, but with this person I decided to risk to really connect and thus experiencing missing her and and aspect of myself I’ve defined myself being able to fulfil with her.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that missing someone is alright, even being sad is okay, nothing to fear about that, but only self-honest if that is not influencing my stability, presence, ability to live up to my commitments, principles and self-expression.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that I would not be able to remain unaffected with sadness if I would really ‘give into it’, thus I always ensured that I never face this experience, but rather distract myself, justify why it’s OK not to give into sadness, however each time accumulating self-suppression which certainly catches up to me just not the way it would consider me and my stability, as equally so as I also not consider it what it is, as aspect of myself I try to separate from myself due to a fear I do not acknowledge, name and embrace and take responsibility for.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that sadness itself is not bad, it also can be a self-expression, what can be re-defined, thus to ensure that I am remaining honored to live words as equal as myself without compromising principle and self-honesty.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that behind my actual sadness experience is self-acceptance for things I believed not to be able to change, however within my current relationship with my sadness, it’s also an excuse – to be able to secretly release all the suppressed sadness I accumulated within me during my life but never really faced it and experienced it fully, only at very short period of times when I could not hold it anymore.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am really sad about the world, how humans are basically cannibals as literally eating each other up in terms of resources and opportunities to support life and feeling that I can’t do anything about it by myself and not realizing that change always starts with self here, thus I change myself, I express myself, I move myself and the world might resist me, but eventually I can make the world accept me, and I accumulate a certain change by one participant, which I have absolute power over, myself here. And within that realizing that my sadness is give up, give in, if I stop moving by sadness as energetic experience – and I can use sadness as a reference point to see what I can do and what I actually do.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that sadness makes me weaker, thus it’s my important interest to get rid of it and avoid it at all cost, and not realizing that I do not look at it’s source, I just want to contain and handle a consequence, which is not common sense, as prevention is the best cure, here: to be honest with myself in the first place to see of about what I feel sadness and why and how can I ensure that I do everything in my power to prevent that to happen, if actually preventable. For instance in my case – to rejoin with my partner as soon as possible, and for that to see what I have to do and then focus on doing that, and within this to see that sadness is not real, it’s just a cover up of when I do not do all I can, so it’s a cool reflection of inspiration to move.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress emotions on a daily basis as I realized if I allow them free roam within me, I compromise my common sense, logic and decision making, but not realizing that each emotion I do not face and deal with it – will remain here, in and as my body as myself and will return eventually, no escape, thus the solution here, which I did not realize to prevent myself to go into reactive-emotion-based behavior, and for that to be able to prevent I need to see the patterns, conditions, trigger points before falling into the reaction – thus literally re-writing my expression.

    So, just like it – I open up and see what’s behind emotions, memories, layers of personality.

And within writing – I am here, stable, directive, slowed down within, thus I can ‘read’ myself from within and by writing words down, I am becoming to be able to see more clearly of what’s happening within me and to also see if I am honest with myself or not.

It’s difficult to be absolutely honest with myself but that’s the only way that for longer term I prevent inner conflict to be created, and in that sense – it’s the most simple too – not in terms of doing what has to be done within self-honesty.

Also cool to write action points after realization:

  • When and as I am tired/exhausted – I recognize the tendency to get addicted to energy intensity, as when I am tired, I am more vulnerable to my temptations from my past patterns to stimulate and go into trance mode of ‘energy movement’ – which is not self-movement, but I feel like it, but within self-honesty I see that it’s self-delusion and if I accept that – I create inner conflict, which I can contain for so long until it bites me back – thus I relax, I rest – if my mind still moves when I want to rest – I use technique – relaxation, reading a book, eating, having shower, and then I rest. If I have not done all I could today when I am exhausted – I have to live with that but I’d rather focus to how I do not make the same mistake on the next day.
  • When and as I feel sad about missing someone or wanting to be with her, I realize that I am missing her expression of what I do not access within me directly for a reason and it’s my responsibility to be able to live aspects of myself regardless of others – however to miss someone is alright, so it’s ok to realize how much that person can mean for me – but if I allow myself to be compromised within stability, presence, expression – then it’s an excuse to give into temptations of energy experiences, which is again a kind of trance state in my mind, where I can disconnect from reality for a reason I do not want to know directly or wanting to hide from for a reason I do not want to word it and be aware of it, because then I would have to start changing myself.

So emotions are not bad – they all indicate self-separation, self-dishonesty, if they appear and try to imbalance or control me, especially if I become distracted from solutions, commitments and of consistent presence within self-expression – and actually I try to make myself be controlled with the energy of it, thus it’s all of me and my full responsibility to directly live, not through reactions, suppression, separation and judgement. So for that, I keep continuing and committing myself to decompose these patterns, what can be explored, understood with writing, saying and living words within unification.

Study yourself with DIP LITE, THE online & FREE course: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 330 – Directing Self-change

What I find as crucial within directing self-change and literally facing the unknown within (myself) and without(in the world) is to establish direct self-communication, self-honesty and self-agreement.
Since about 2 weeks, I’ve stripped away myself from about 2/3 of my habits I’ve participated before. Well, it’s still within finding balance and evaluating what’s still relevant and what was due to distraction and avoidance and it’s genuinely an enjoyment to find the values, interests and motivations within the activities I still do, plan to continue or going to introduce.
What’s clear is that there are no addictions, frustrations, worries, anxieties or fears surfacing, that is due to the exceptional support I’ve got and walked myself equally from DesteniIProcess online course and the individuals of the community.
It’s truly inspiring to see others also to walk their self-change into reality, wherein they stop various emotional, mental and even physical problems with walking the same blog/vlog and self-forgiveness, self-commitment, self-corrective statement structure within consistently.
Also relevant to note that I’ve been living in a quite of a defensive mechanism before, which I am releasing and letting go, especially in relation to allowing myself to feel, express and enjoy; trust, share and directly live and for that I am honored and grateful for my partner.
Furthermore, to face and direct self within change, by my recent participation within this year’s European Desteni Meetup, I’ve got support for my being/mind/body ‘unification’ by spending time with Sunette Spies, who greatly assisted me to bring up the points I really needed to hear:
To purify, re-define and live the words of planning, consideration, structure, organize and stability, while to enjoy, express and also to have fun!
After all, what is the self-change I am directing? Exactly to live these words! I see some points within myself as I’ve been stuck since quite a while, but did not consider before that it’s because I was not structuring, planning and considering within the context of REALITY AWARENESS.
I used to – unconsciously – trust within my gut, the system, others, which was an inverted way to hide from ‘LACK of SELF-TRUST‘, due to not being stable, not enjoying myself and the directions I’ve managed to find myself within and in overall the suppression of my natural self-expression due to fear from manifesting irreversible consequences.
Writing this blog, to see what I am still holding within my mind, the points, that are not ‘here’ – not ‘supporting’ and not ‘really relevant’ – and then to apply self-forgiveness is greatly assisting to be exactly aware of my reality within and without as well.
Since a while, as being in a relationship, starting to see that I am beyond my previous partnership, certainly, also in relation to the points I’ve faced about myself with the individual who I was with, but the actual points, issues I was not taking responsibility for are still ‘waiting’ to be lived within self-correction and self-change.
For instance, providing stable support, reliability, trust, honesty, loyalty and to direct open and effective communication are key within establishing a mutually supportive and greatly enjoyable agreement/partnership.
By walking DIP Agreement course (http://desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships) – I was supported to go through many of the aspects of a honest and supportive relationship already, but all the realizations, acknowledgements, decisions I’ve made are now, in a way ‘ready to be lived’.
Of course, being flexible and not getting lost on the path by also being aware of the principle and direction(be kind with each other and give as would like to receive within equality and oneness, investigate all things and keep what is best for all participants) – it’s every day something to face, correct and expand with.
Beyond the structure, planning and all the stabilization, which I’ve postponed already too long, so actually enjoying to do nowadays, considering an also very important aspect: to have fun and enjoy.
Previously I’ve easily managed to stop having fun by bothering myself with problems, what I did not take responsibility for, and instead of focusing to solution, I’ve reacted, spent time within frustration or becoming obsessed with some perfection in my mind, completely unrelated to reality – it’s actually no fun.
But to realize that it’s all up to me and thus I can change my attitude, starting point and expression: it’s something I am honored to do with the motivation for something greater than me actually, as there are others in my life, which again: supports with stabilization of the mind, equalization for the excitement from word-emotion-energy-based automatic triggers towards self-honest movement-based physical expression.
This is where I am currently, and thanks for reading.

Day 307 – Challenge of all secret thoughts exposure

img_1005This is something like a challenge, Cerise and Joe asked to consider it:

“Imagine for a moment that every person you’ve ever had a thought about, ever pictured something about, ever had a fantasy about became fully aware, in absolute detail of the contents of your thoughts. Every secret revealed, every lie exposed, every dark thought laid bare before them. Would knowing all of this change the way they see you? Would you be able to face them without shame or guilt?”

This can be seen as a confession – or a shrift – but it’s rather brutal self-honesty. The key here is to recognize that we do not need to wait until we die to face the creator with what we have done and became to – anyone can do it with and as self here. In a self-responsible perspective – I am my creator in terms of my actions and reactions, thoughts and feelings and emotions too. This means I also can change my attitude to things, persons, events. Furthermore I even can decompose, explore, change word-relationships within myself to re-define and re-shape my perception, personality and thus my spoken word and physical expression too.
So whatever secret thoughts, imaginations I perceive and today it is who I exist as – I can change. Many state that human nature cannot, inherent instinct and basic programming cannot – I humbly disagree. It’s a question of investment, tools, starting point, effort and self-honesty.

Others to be aware of my secret thoughts – in a way – this is what we do with the Journey to Life blogs/vlogs and the DesteniIProcess online course and community: we share our secret mind as we decompose it and also share why and how we change our own nature of thoughts/feelings/emotions to discover how to live without the need for a secret mind, to be able to not needing to hide what’s within, because it’s equal with what we say and do. Sounds romantic in a harsh world, but it’s totally doable. It does not mean we all must become this ideologists about love and freedom, but to see/recognize and respect the common denominator within each equally – because there is the physical needs: food, shelter, education, water, health care – this is basic math – if it’s not given to someone, it’s death sentence by agreement of others. Until everyone is not fed, taken care of on Earth – it is nothing to debate about why to change – on individual level, as all real change starts with self. Also everyone has this life force, what might seem totally differently manifested within each individual – but it’s actually the same life within all equally. Undeniable. Fool or wise, green or purple skinned, curly or baldy, kind and rude – they are all of the same life. And everyone has the same mind – different preconditioning, images, definitions, abilities, but the nature of each one’s mind is the same – thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, energies, desires, fears. Even when we consider the ‘different ones’ – the characteristic is the same. So if anyone claims they are superior – only within the self-convinced delusion they could render their own mind into based on the total consumption of self-interest. Which then can be opened up to expose and share – and thus take responsibility for.

So, personally – what do I have in my mind to face in regarding to that question? Definitely some relationship/sexual day-dreaming, surprisingly also some desire to certain people make a nod to me, kind of respect but a subtle one. I would not want anyone to praise or worship me. But where I would still lack self-respect and self-trust – there I’d subconsciously want to stimulate myself by defining other’s respect as compensating up to that, which is self-dishonesty.

Also interesting to discover that many of my fantasies are not really specific, but up to the point where I was able to relate, react, feel an energetic reaction – so in a sense I was not really using/abusing them in my mind(not to my protection to add, but I did not imagine hurting anyone), but only myself.

Although I have also thought sometimes aggressive movements, within it’s nature I see that it was more likely to try a way to stand up to myself, like not dominate, win others, just to show them with brute force that I am also one of them, not lesser, inferior. It’s quite like a symbol for standing up to my own accepted personality.

To be honest with my desires, secret thoughts is also supporting to reflect back of what I feel lacking, separated from, here bravery, strength, dare to indulge, not to fear from rejection or mistakes. Others to love me, respect me, because I did not allow to love or respect myself, hey what’s love anyway and what to respect in myself when I have self-trust issues, inconsistency, fear of vulnerability and of no substance?

When I was child, I also had these impulsive thoughts for destruction, real messy stuff, like warzone-like, it seemed that then that was my nature – and today here I am – completely changed – no desire to kill or punish, no impulsive thoughts for aggression, and if I ever feel any anger, I slow down and realize what I am angry AT MYSELF actually to be able to focus to solution. Any fight I’d go into is fighting myself anyway, and in the fear of cannot direct myself, want to become aggressive, which is quite dumb actually. Why would I hate myself? What have I done – or haven’t I done actually? It’s part of the problem if I start to judge myself – but to truly accept myself at moments, when I do not want to look good, happy, smiling – this day is horrible, I do not want fake happiness – and it’s completely alright to have days like that – or make mistakes, even big ones – why would I judge myself, instead of learning from the mistake and to commit myself not to make them again by understanding what was really happening and how I could ensure not happening again? I mean, if I screw up – to take responsibility is key – if someone masturbates to his schoolmate – it’s alright to admit – although it probably makes the one really awkward near to her and it’s like leaving reality – delusion – not just disempowering, but if it would be public, probably embarrassing too. So, rather get a real girl, come on – if there is shyness, doubt, then work through that…even if this means to uncover some deep nasty shit from within, the past, whatever. Mostly it’s not even personal, so to overreact is just making it more difficult to stop and change. Also many had no choice but born into a screwed up family, so a lot of preconditioning is not even the kid’s fault. Yet to take responsibility for oneself is key.

It’s alright to admit, it’s part of the healing process, many people still daydream, fantasize about things actively, meaning sitting on the bus and keep thinking about a scenario of if this would happen, and then what – it’s like a virtual reality – I did that so many times, but I’ve stopped it quite some years ago. It just did not feel good enough as the real experience and also realized that this makes me more separated from the real world. I wanted to have the real deal. Also played role play games(RPG), I was a crazy elf wizard sometimes, or a hi-tech badass future street samurai and went through stories with friends and acted out in the game and that felt good. But I decided to live in this 3D reality, with my real self and literally took my body to exotic places, to have adventures, like Pyramids in Egypt, Ang-kor in Cambodia, ocean-coasted jungle in Thailand, far-away mountain temples in India, sleeping on sandy beaches of south Sicily, etc.

Reality always seemed more relevant, having more impact. Yes, I still did not have the absolute self-honest starting point, as wanted intensity, thrill, even danger, as I believed that can help evolve, change, but when realized intensity and energetic experiences is not the key within change, but self-honesty, after a while I did let the strive for thrill go as well. What remains is the starting point as to be able to think, say and act the way that if anyone or everyone could read my mind, to hear all what I speak, to see all I do, to be able to not feel shame or regret. This is who I am and I have nothing to hide.

Currently? Today? There would be some ladies who I never told to that I could enjoy to spend more time with them(about 2-3 persons being in my life), but whenever I really looked at these impressions, mostly always could decompose to the point of realizing: well, it’s not really about her/them – but my own relationships in my mind.
Although, regardless of that – still no problem to want to be with someone, I guess, so it’s an interesting realization of that if I would do something and actually could have opportunities to act, then why not to? So I see that I am also dealing with a sort of rationalizing suppression here.

What I am waiting for, everything can change, so whether I trust myself and act accordingly or not. And if not, then why I accept myself that way and if I want to do about that something, then what exactly and how?

After all, I think there will be a time when with technology, people’s mind will become sort of transparent, so why not to embrace and change already?

Especially, if I’d only sort out my secret mind to not become exposed, when I know that there is a chance for that, well, then it’s also a bit forced anyway.

Who knows, maybe, in the future – this will be pressured on ‘citizens’ by the system, which would of course need and ways to skip/cheat it, as real change always has to come from self here.

Many has to go through a lot of suffering and loss before realizing they are holding onto delusions and beliefs based on self-dishonesty what is limiting, abusing them, and that’s not cool.
Eventually everyone will change – the question is that by external forces or by direct self-will. Again: it comes down to who do I prefer trusting? The system, world, existence, gods, karma – or myself here?

I definitely choose self here to trust. And to sort out anything I would not be proud of within myself – and even if in the past I had quite some nastiness – if things would become transparent – then the viewer also would see the process of change, and that also is relevant. So better stop any habit, thought, secrecy in the mind as soon as possible! Especially, because it’s literally self-liberating.
Sure, to always live in this reality might not always be about happiness – but if we change here, do supporting things in reality, it’s accumulating and others also can be part of it.

Happiness is overrated anyway – it’s a self-created experience, so people can literally make anything up if their needs are fulfilled, even if it means to completely disregard or degrade others within the delusion bubble of ego – so I’d rather choose self-honesty and transparency(for myself and others) than happiness.

Day 240 – Don’t Think you are, Know you are

IMG_0639-EditDays ago, while I was showering I realized that I was thinking and as I looked that process, I was busy thinking about information I already know and tried to stimulate myself with impressions, reactions about it, which then triggered another thought-processes and all of a sudden I was here again.

I have seen what I actually was participating within when I fall into the temptation of thinking in general.
It’s more obvious when I do something meanwhile, which is mostly the case, in this particular moment I was washing my body parts while enjoying the hot water in the cold, foggy autumn morning.

The fact is that I already KNOW all of these things I think about, I am just not aware of them, because allowing myself to be constantly occupied with these reactions of thoughts, feelings, emotions, which creates a tube experience, a time line, wherein it’s like I am riding, but in fact I am completely narrowed down to a tumbling experience, be with only one point at a time, allowing my mind to determine which, based on the previous thoughts, what are being triggered by external settings and an internal set.

By literally thinking about what already happened, what I should do, what I should have done, what would be cool, in fact I am diminishing my presence, within each moment: the only chance to be fully HERE.

This preoccupation is what can block me from being aware of all of me, who I am and what is constantly HERE.

That’s why it is imperative do decompose these automatic thought-patterns what actually hide self-judgement, projection, blame, justification, opinion, desire, self-interest and in fact separation and fear – all hiding from mySELF.

Separation is within me by believing that the moment of me showering is less than when I do something more meaningful, however if I would look at all things I do, it’s quite useful and necessary to take a shower and if I am not here with my body, that’s actually a problem.

I allow this to be formed as a habit, and I let go the discipline, the actual statement and living of I am HERE – and this brings also a great question: why I need to be disciplined not to fall into the temptation of my energetic mind experiences?

What I experience lacking constantly here? What I perceive gaining with the energy? Why do I not have enough energy? Endless energy? What makes me feel tired? These questions are valid, especially while one accepts and re-creates self-limitation by being constantly preoccupied with thought-patterns.

This might seem to be as an advanced topic to fully understand, but greatly rewarding once one can see, realize and understand that there is immerse self-abdication happening completely automatically during the thinking process(back chat, inner dialogue, judgmental notes).

Also to believe that, when it is necessary, like driving in highway with 160km/h, that then the thinking will not ‘occur’ – or as humans like to refer this point as ‘when I think about something’, but it’s not that simple. Once a thought-pattern is accepted and repeated enough, it is the flesh, the human physical body is what starts to store and become these word-based energetic resonances and that means only more integration, self-accepted automation.

Also as it might seem as advantage if I am doing something while being able to think about something, but here is also the saying can be applied: divine and conquer. Especially, the point of decision one can believe that can be trusted: when I apparently ‘decide’ to switch into thinking mode – because I am sure many justify that as a conscious choice, but it is simply not.

Do not believe me, obviously this is something what everyone must investigate, but I really suggest doing so. This might shatter one’s perception about self, the world, but beyond that, there can be a more ‘real’ perspective, something what does not require the mind for keeping up for instance.
IMG_0386
I walk the Desteni I Process online course, and within the second year, there are specific lessons/assignments what supports to discover and be able to understand the patterns of the human mind – it’s totally astonishing to recognize that within a simple interaction between people in some minutes, how many judgement, belief, projection, blame, opinion, comparison, manipulation can ‘hide’ literally in front of our eyes, what the human is not trained to be aware of. That’s why it’s imperative to learn how to walk the physical time within self-honesty and how to apply self-forgiveness for the points what are of self-interest.

So the understanding of self, the human mind and thus humanity as well goes more and more deep as one dares to question one’s life, for instance if I am preoccupied with thoughts which I recognize as a disadvantage(because I am able to go back the source, the origin point step by step and I see the fear, separation, self-interest), then I would want to stop the thoughts. That can be also a point of falling, when one realizes that those just won’t go away by wanting them to be gone or even not with years of practicing the silence within, especially with those patterns what are already programmed into the flesh so to speak. Those are what making the body react automatically.

There are ways when someone does not need to think yet being capable of doing something really self-dishonest, abusive, spiteful, so it’s not enough to quiet the mind, because there are patterns already in and as the body. Like riding a bicycle or driving a car – once it’s a skill, the body can do it, the pedaling, the steering… Yet, in the beginning there was a sort of disciplined programming.

It seems to be like luck – if I am lucky, I am doing good(based on family, finance, location, time, relationships for instance), if not, then not so good. One might can accept that and justify it with a ‘greater plan’, religious belief, karma instead of realizing the opportunity to change self in every moment equally.

Even if I do not see it as writing computer codes and mathematical equations, simple word-based rule sets can drive machines, there is the vast topic of ‘fuzzy logic’ and ‘artificial intelligence’ as a reference to grasp.

The definition of words, the self-accepted relationships between them holds the key for freedom, once one is learning and living the skills of self-honesty and mind-word-energy-decomposition. Writing is essential, because slowing down, with computer term: ‘serializing’ the words and attention, presence and direction – I am more aware of what I actually consist of in terms of the words I live through.

It’s simple point of education – there is still rare that this is being taught, but there are more and more people who decide to self-study this and apply in the change what is required to be more here, present, directive and in fact self-honest.

The human is result of education, and that is an important aspect within changing ourselves, our children, the whole world.

That’s why it is important to realize that thinking is a result of a flawed self-trust, an energetically unbalanced self, but within this current society, thinking is not being recognized what actually is: self-limitation and self-deception.

The only way to be able to trust oneself in and as the mind when being fully aware of what’s in there, what’s really happening and being able to direct self within with each breath with consistency – otherwise it’s a roller-coaster – will make ups and downs.

Once somebody recognizes that there are patterns already automatically being operational within one’s personality, character, perceptions and behavior, there is the question is that ‘How can I remember how and why I’ve became who I am today?’ How could I forGET? What I’ve GOT was the blissful ignorance and what I can GIVE to myself is the painful awareness of what I accepted and allowed myself to became. That is why to forGIVE myself. Simple yet extremely powerful.

If someone thinks a lot – does not act, because being consumed by fear – looking for better angles IN the MIND while moments pass, energy tides, MAKES one to act, while they will be always one step behind of what is actually HERE.

There was a time when I was only be able to let go the constant thinking when there was immense fear of immediate danger, which drove me into adrenaline-pumping experiences, because energy charged, from a point it ‘pushed’ me, driven me, but I was dependent – once the energy was off, I stopped moving – and in fact as my energies raised and lowered out of my awareness, direction, I felt unstable, I could not accumulate self-trust.
So to fabricate movement with energy by reactions is no solution, rather than writing all out and down – all I thought, my memories, wording my feelings and emotions, thus recognizing the patterns, the conditions, thus understanding, knowing myself.

Don’t think you are, know you are.

Who thinks, does not know, who knows acts.

Yet, it’s imperative to note that when I say don’t think I would mean do not question, do not investigate, do not dig, do not uncover, do not explore, do not gain awareness – you must do, but please recognize the self-sabotage within these thought-patterns, because one’s thinking is not visible in the world at first, only the actions, what cause consequences in the world, many times irreversible, even horrible things, based on conviction, belief fueled by self-deceptive thought-patterns, what can be understood and prevented with appropriate practical application.

Here is Self-forgiveness on the self-acceptances to become aware of and take responsibility for:IMG_1193

I forgive myself that I have not realized the meaning of this single sentence: “Don’t think you are, know you are”, which is that if I think, I am unaware of myself, who I am, why and what I do, thus recognizing the need within self-honesty to get to know who I am, how I have became how I am here today, which is through words can be accumulated, meaning writing/typing the words I consist of, the relationships I hold onto among these words and realizing that I have a choice to let go the thinking and accumulate direct self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have underestimated the effectiveness of self-direction within immediate presence and not recognized the power of accumulation of self-trust with discipline and commitment to prevent myself going into reaction, thinking, feeling positive or having negative emotional energetic experiences.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense when I am not present, being occupied with thoughts in my mind to stop, take a breath and step back and to see what I am afraid of, what would be the most practical solution to the point I am looking at and then how to actually apply that.

I forgive myself that I have defined thinking as something smart and clever, and not specifying, that by this I meant to let thoughts run amok in my mind while listening to those, reacting to those, and believing that this is directly me, who ‘I think’, instead of realizing that I am being thought by my mind, which is a manifested reflection of the accumulation of many moments I was not present, here, direct, equal and one with what I am within and as.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that in the very moment I was thinking about somebody, the work I do, the things I worried about to forget, that I was lost for a moment and by those thoughts I reacted with energetic experiences to make me believe that I am in control, I am directive, but meanwhile I was not aware of what is actually here, I accumulated the acceptance of not being self-directive here, I was not aware of my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate the meaning of not being here and directive while taking a shower, by believing that while I shower, I can and I should think about things and not realizing that with absolute self-honesty this means I am less than those points I think about, I am less than my mind, I am less than my own physical body, because I am not trusting myself fully here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can support myself with simply directing my attention, using words within myself to direct myself, but until thoughts come and go automatically, until I associate based on patterns I am not aware of, until I react with positive and negative energetic reactions to words, sentences, until that I can not trust my thinking and feeling, thus each time I see myself participating within, I see/realize/understand, this is the point where I stop and to see what I was worried about, what I do not trust myself about and how I can do so.

I commit myself to let go the thinking and to let go the prioritizing of what moments are more important or wherein I should be more present or less, based on the judgement of how relevant, difficult or enjoyable the action I do, such as taking a shower, washing dishes, walking.

I commit myself to honor myself and life with presence accumulating, making one step at a time and ensuring I am in and as the step, doing actions while I am fully here in that moment and whenever I would feel to have a temptation to go into thinking – I realize I can and should support myself with communicating with myself through writing, applying self-forgiveness to see what I should know already but not seeing for be able to act what is the most practical thing to do.

When and as I feel myself tempted with thinking, when I catch myself thinking about something which I did not direct, did not specifically moved myself as word by word without energetic reactions, then I stop, I realize I can know myself more better, I could write down or become more aware of what I am unsure about – because I realize that when I think, I am uncertain, otherwise I would not think, but directly act, so I apply the best practical way to support myself to act according to what is the best in the moment without the thinking process and dare myself to explore direct presence, self-trust and self-honesty.

When and as I take a shower, I remind myself that all the things coming up in my mind right now, that those are the points I am not sure, clear, self-honest about, thus I commit myself to assist and support myself with writing, applying self-forgiveness and self-commitment and self-corrective application.

When and as I worry about making a mistake without thinking, I realize that this is a pattern I’ve accepted to come up automatically, because in the moment I MAKE A DECISION and I ACT ACCORDING TO THAT, it is me directly here acting, not as before, as accumulating energy making me move indirectly, wherein I am more focusing to the energy, than the movement, direction, awareness of the circumstances, my mind, my state of being, my starting point and consider consequences.