Day 376 – Doubt and growth

P1010317Today’s menu:

Need to be absolutely sure – doubt within starting point, details of behavior.
Fear of being resisted, challenged, dominated – inferiority, fear of loss, fear of fear.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed to be honest with myself that the conviction of ‘need to be absolutely sure’ to do something is in it’s core is doubt, because I do not trust MYSELF HERE UNCONDITIONALLY, but the relationship, the point about to want to be sure, the conviction I want to be perfect to support my certainty and within that not realizing that I focus to perfect something based on a self-dishonest premise, which is not real to overcome a manifested behavior here, which is real: my acted out doubt in relation to myself, action and self-trust.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that to not move, initiate, start, live with the conviction of need to be absolutely sure first is self-sabotage, because I do not allow actual, physical and living space and time to find my ground, self-trust within living trial, but first want to model, virtualize, imagine and think it through in a way what satisfies and overcomes my originally self-accepted existence of doubt, and within that wanting to use this model and practise to break through the starting point of: fear of failure, fear of making mistake, fear of manifesting irreversible consequences.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only way I can really learn and expand is to live, to try, to make mistakes and fail, so then in real time I can start understanding cause and effect, how reality works based on common sense, practicality and accumulation.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the tendency to doubt, to stutter, to even petrify myself for apparently tiny moments during my day is accepted as normal to the degree of not even being aware of and thus missing opportunities, moments of expression, expansion and thus growth, based on the convictions of I first must be sure, convinced, justified and reasoned with to do something and within that not seeing/realizing and understanding that the very model and starting point of such logical thinking is flawed with doubt, fear of mistake and experiences, memories, automatic judgments and feelings/emotions, based on my past, wherein not allowing to step beyond of those patterns, thus not really expanding, trying new, but always repeating the same cycles in the hope of this time will break through, while the common sense is to first reveal, decompose, forgive and let go all those patterns and see with virgin eye, act with direct movement and to not rely on my past, of what I am not absolutely sure about, and even if so, to re-question if it’s really-really trustworthy to the degree of putting all my life on it and being able to risk not to grow if this is false/self-dishonest.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to change my obsession to be sure and certain, right and eliminating doubt means that I must do express perfection and then becoming obsessed with finding the possibly best approach and wanting, expecting to do that without consideration of where I am currently, my current status, location, opportunities and options, from which I actually can start to consider, structure and plan an actual process of progress and manifestation of the wished outcome and for that to be able to remain consistent within this process without relying on manipulating and stimulating myself in relation to doubt and confidence emotions/feelings, but only focusing on what’s real in and as the physical realm, measurable, obvious.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that to consider my doubt as a point to deal with or overcome based on feelings and emotions, thoughts and reasoning is not self-honest, thus accepting self-limitation, as I do accept the starting point of doubt and want to accept it to exist within the equation in a way that without it, the whole process of planned or actual progress becomes inconsistent, unpredictable or even sabotaged.

For instance a pattern: frustration – if there is no frustration, I do not push to get through a resistance, a limitation, let it be inner, such as worry, excuses, justifications – or external, such as not having enough time, skill, money or power to do something – and within that deliberately boosting my want to overcome that by annoyance and frustration to the point of no matter what, need to get through that – but once I do that, the very motivation to keep moving, directing, expanding becomes un-fueled as the frustration itself was the energy to move, and then finding myself not moving anymore, until again facing another or even the same type of source of frustration.

It’s similar to addiction – for instance to drugs(or sex or alcohol or buying) – one uses it to distract or escape from an experience, related to what’s present within one’s life – and thus the action one does in relation or with/based on/under of the subject of the addiction – and the initial experience fades, one feels great – and moves on – but then the same, unresolved, ran away/distracted from experience, situation returns, and one has a choice: do the same as before, which seemed maybe easier: to repeat the distraction, entertainment, or even self-destruction(getting wasted).

In this sense, people do not realize their addiction to their mind-cycles, and all the automatic compromises they accept and allow for having the ‘balanced and in control self’ – while it’s all self-created self-dishonest self-delusion.

And then people can get to the point of all day want to be high/drunk/etc – for admittedly to avoid to face their responsibility, in reality, what awaits them to deal with, walk through, solve, stand up to – or they just want to have regular boosts to ‘refill’ their ‘don’t feel bad too strongly’ shield. Either way, everything we do or don’t do – accumulate.
Just as our decision-making, and thus personality. As from the starting point one relies to the decisions, consequences and then how judged them in terms of their priority of interest(feeling good, being right for self or others too), thus behavior, habits, personality patterns form, crystallize and automatize.
Of course, most of the justifications are around the points of self-dishonesties, but within the context of making those decisions, ‘logical process’ – they seem totally reasonable, because one acted upon those already, many times.

“Don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it”

But usually people do.

I rather not generalize, but I can recognize this pattern within myself – thus it’s my responsibility to decompose, forgive for accepting and allowing and to see the specific trigger points, thus when next time about to manifest, I can see the predictable outcome if I don’t stop/change based on acknowledging what I already accepted and allowed – and thus to really stop and change.

And if anyone else recognizes this pattern within themselves, this might be an example or encouragement of why or how to support oneself to stop and change patterns within one’s behavior to expand, grow and live.

In this – I recognize that doubt-based resistances to break through with accumulating frustration is not supporting consistent expansion and creation, movement and direction, because as long as emotion/reaction-based energy is part of the equation, I am subjected to, dependent on, compromised by that relationship to that specific word-based trigger point, what should be identified honestly and understand within absolute specificity. So better to have decision, direction, commitment and principle and focus on manifesting clarity with self-communication, self-honesty and practical understanding.

Such as my point of decomposing, forgiving and letting go defining enjoyment within perfection only. Meaning perfection not with and as self as self-honesty, but trying to perfect the experience and the judgement of the relationships I form with things/people. That’s a trap. Just as naming it as inspiration for instance.

A tiny example: I re-started to learn Spanish guitar play – starting with basic techniques, such as ‘andalusian cadence’ – and it progresses alright as practicing every day a little. I am aware of what I want to do, be able to do, so it’s obvious what to do and kind of how.

And then last night found a player on youtube, who plays devilishly great – in my judgement – Tom Ward, playing Liszt Ferenc Hungarian Rhapsody 2 with ‘perfection’ in technique, effortlessness and passion – and I was like – this is the level I desire to reach – and the whole expression of his is very personal and unique and specific – the desire was within this perceived perfection. And I was immediately distracted with this desire, and from that point, my basic practices seemed soooooo far from where he is already at – and I defined this as inspiration – although it’s – if using it to my own process – distraction from the original experience of frustration accumulating during practicing a new thing.

I had lot of judgments before about this, such as ‘it’s useless skill, it’s just self-interest’, why not learn economy, or something to make more money with, or doing something for others, or creating something what helps solving problems in the world.

And then what I reasoned with is that no matter what I do, I always face myself within it, thus to expand, does not matter what it is, but the self-honesty within that process is what matters. Well, obviously in the context of equality and principle of do onto others what I would like to receive, based on the fact that this existence is a closed system, thus what goes around, comes around, even if not seeing the patterns due to complexity.

So what I concluded with was that I do the things I must do, and prioritize, and based on that it looks like doing this for some minutes per day is fine and I can learn and apply a lot of points I have already realized within walking Process, and also discover – and then share new, emerging points as well.

Also what is being revealed is that am I using learning guitar to distract myself from something else, with experiences, enthusiasm feelings, frustrations, resistances and walkthrough…

As for me – mountain climbing, when about to climb the Everest, even by risking my and others life – seems absolutely dumb, no doubt – and when I say that I can understand why people would want to acclaim that – what I really say is that – my justification self accepts and respects their justification self.

Of course, I do not want to be judged, so I shall not judge others either – which is also self-dishonest, based on having the starting point of an initial judgement, of ‘not to be judged by me doing this or that’, because I actually and already judge myself about it.

It’s tricky – and one would even consider that this whole article seems crazy and kind of insane – except that as I write it, as I see these to unfold in front of me – I breathe, I see, and I realize points to understand and if necessary: change and stop.

To just finish the example point about guitar – since years I have this aim/goal to play certain type of music with guitar, yet always starting, then stopping, then later re-starting, then stopping again – so it’s not consistent. And my justification was that ‘it’s not priority’ – and certainly it is not, it’s rather a hobby, a way to relax and enjoy.
And to recognize that, that it’s alright to not take this seriously can also come from self-communication and self-agreement. In this reflection – what I worded – effortlessness, passion, precise technique – and voila – it’s already much more tangible, doable – to focus on teaching myself – or unlearning patterns to allow myself to grow like that…In this sense, it’s not just about what I need to do, but also undo – as natural learning ability is the greatest.

IF – there is no self-dishonest justification and energetic mind accumulation in-between self and living. But if there is, then that is self-dishonesty and I want or not, if I accept this pattern within this ‘not priority’ aspect of myself, I might accept and live out within other, ‘priority’ aspect of myself too, thus discipline and principled living is suggested within all aspects of self.

As an excuse can be easily accepted by – this is not important – this moment is less relevant, now I can accept some little white lie, while in more important moments I can play the holy man – and voila – we are at the spiritual religious self-fuckery state, where one separates things, experiences, oneself based on ways to justify self-interest.

Meanwhile, in reality, all moments, breathe in and out, opportunity to be self-honest here in and as the physical body, in and as the physical reality – all are equal. No more holy, divine moments, people or actions – obviously, sometimes one has to have more attention, like while driving, but this type of justification can lead to some serious self-dishonesty.

Such as – I do not have to be self-honest while just killing all those pests, animals in my house – as now I can just kill the mofos with rigid ruthlessness, instead of considering why they are here, what I did what lead this to happen, can I see the bigger picture, is there any way to deal with this.

Or typical – to allow crazy, even abusive thoughts to run around – smile at someone while thinking that ‘what an a$$h0le’ – as believing that what I think is less holy than what I actually do: smiling as that is good, but while in fact having this resentment.

That’s why there is no middleground with self-honesty – and it is extremely difficult to never fall – but in the same way it’s very simple to allow myself to be intimate with myself to really see – am I dishonest, even just a little bit about anything or not.

This I wanted to pronounce about my starting point of doubt and worry to do something if not perfect, because the only way to really learn and grow, to expand is by mistakes – and in theory I can be master of myself, my mind, but if I do not even move I will not see what I still miss, thus not taken into consideration to actual, practical, real understanding, thus will not be able to change.

Each moments are equal, so if I am really good to not fall into a self-dishonest pattern in the day’s 99.99%, but in the remaining 0.01%, certainly and always – then the judgment of ‘mostly I am great’ does not mean much if there is always a cyclic point of ‘then always falling into this inevitably’, as it just restarts the cycle of not changing, and thus need to broaden the understanding the whole multidimensional dynamics of my participation and experiences, reactions and thoughts/feelings/emotions in that particular physical timeline.

That’s where Desteni I Process Pro online course is the greatest assistance by the Mind Constructs technique – to write down the actual timeline of what happened, also adding what I experienced, thought, all the patterns, building blocks of my participation and correlate to reality, within self-honesty – so then I clearly can discover all the patterns I live by, so then there can no remain any justification or excuse, because all is in front of me, thus can assist and support myself with change.

And that is what the greatest potential and power in existence, really – as we can accept ourselves as flawed, tainted, scarred, limited and handicapped – or we learn and grow out of those, one by one – with support, assistance and actual enjoyment of self-liberation, which undoubtedly accumulates to all existence as the whole is nothing but all it’s parts together.

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Day 350 – Intense realizations with body support

Sometimes when facing a deeper, unconscious self-dishonest pattern to be able to understand and stop, can have these intensified emotional and physical moments and experiences. Sharing about how I am dealing with it and supporting myself with body awareness and applying self-forgiveness to stop the self-dishonest patterns I have been existing as until now. talvlonov7

Self-changing free online course:
http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Understanding how the mind consciousness works:
http://eqafe.com

Self and Living LIFE COACHING videos:
https://www.youtube.com/user/SelfAndLiving/videos

[JTL Day 230] Preventing further annoyance

IMG_4159-Edit-smallContinuing with the Annoyance/frustration point from my last post:

[JTL Day 229] Movement and change – frustration/annoyance

Recently I did not experience much of a frustration, however things went quite bad around sometimes, but I was able to apply common sense and rather focus to remain here and deal with facts than going into reaction and instability.

It’s actually absolutely amazing how much of a difference this can be in terms of the ‘quality of life’.

I was busy traveling and communicating all around the country and seen/experienced/explored so many things what I want to write about, so this post will be the closing for this topic. It would be cool to return to this topic later and if required to further specify self-honesty and self-correction to prevent myself to go into annoyance/frustration. Also I make the decision to remember the scenarios/conditions/situations wherein I would still experience annoyance/frustration.

I continue with the points I was able to realize and specify in terms of annoyance and frustration by the Self-support I’ve got by listening these EQAFE Atlantean audio interviews:

Annoyance: What is it? – Atlanteans – Part 189  up to 195 Annoyance: The Gifts Within

By listening through these interviews it’s really an advantage in terms of understanding how the mind, how annoyance works and what is the practical way to support myself and others and being able to stop participate and change in order to prevent annoyance and frustration for a more effective and in fact enjoyable life.

I can’t pronounce enough how great EQAFE can be for a person who is ready to open oneself up to apply Self-honesty, Self-investigative writing and Self-forgiveness to admit patterns of oneself what are not the best and to take responsibility for points of self-delusion, self-limitation, self-deception, self-compromise, self-sabotage.

The understanding, certainty and stability can be improved to prevent annoyance/frustration even when shit hits the fan – and recently it did quite some times yet I did not lose myself -but even when I noticed that I am about to go into my mind to react, loop into thinking, which is in fact of doubt and fear, before real annoyance/frustration I manifested, I was able to re-align myself to focus to practical solutions.

I am not saying I am done with frustration/annoyance, it’s like walking trough one layer and then the next one opens up to walk through, but I am here and accumulating self-trust to become certain of that I can stop participate within annoyance/frustration if I apply and live the realizations and practical tools I share, specify, accumulate here.

With further Self-forgiveness and Self-correction based on the mentioned EQAFE interviews, I am going to support myself with to prepare further stopping and change in relation to annoyance. It’s already clear that it is a self-sabotage by the experience of learned helplessness, powerlessness tainted by fear and it just takes my attention from what is here, where the problem is to apply the solution, therefore it is completely unnecessary, uncomfortable and in fact preventable by getting to know myself by exploring Self-forgiveness on what is the already accepted relationship in my mind, vocabulary, personality what is conditioned to react with frustration/annoyance, which to I give myself a clean slate, to stop, to change by becoming aware the patterns so then before going into the annoyance, I recognize it and be able to just breathe and focus to what is here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I allowed myself to give permission to my mind, my body to automatically become impatient when I am unable to do, get what I want and feel this powerlessness, frustration, annoyance instead of actually looking what is here, what I really want and what would be the best practical way to make it happen without going into my mind, which is a form of self-sabotage, because at the moment of going into my mind, to have thoughts, emotions, feelings about it, I stop expressing, being consistently here, whole, fully here, which then results me to be split, and also prevents me to direct appropriately myself and the situation required.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to predefine myself in terms of annoyance/frustration by when I did not react once, defining myself as ‘I am done with this’, and then later when facing similar, but not exact situation, still getting into reaction and not realizing that I’ve taken granted that I have changed, instead of be the change myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized how and why I projected the change into the next moment and what I missed to realize within not seeing that this moment how is different.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the mind has built up layer upon layers and once I walk through one layer, then next one unfolds, so there is no such thing as ‘I am done’, but I keep stopping and seeing more opportunities to specify what to change next.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become annoyed when realizing that I’ve became annoyed with something I thought/believed/defined that I am done with being annoyed to and not realizing that this is not supportive at all but undermines self-trust, self-direction, self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the exact moment when I start to project change from a previous moment to a next/future one and taking granted that I am done with annoyance, or specifically annoyance in relation to something/someone while in fact I did not see/realize/understand the next layer opened up when I walked through one.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense to keep opening up within myself to see every single aspect and dimensions, layers, definitions of myself and continue understand and stop participate within any annoyance without defining how or where I am within this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my change to future moments about annoyance without realizing that I have stopped opening up myself to apply self-honesty.

When and as I see that I am projecting my change in relation to annoyance to future moments, I stop and I realize that there is a layer within my mind I miss to see, which can and will be a source of another annoyance unless I stop projecting and keep applying the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction, self-commitment.

When and as I see that I am becoming annoyed with something what I’ve defined previously as done, walked through, I immediately realize that I have to see the point/layer of my mind and myself I missed to see, understand, realize in relation to annoyance.

When and as I see that I am being washed away by reactions of annoyance, frustration, I breathe, I stabilize myself here and reminding myself that the more sober, present, directive and ‘whole’ I can remain, the more effectiveness I can give into the tasks ahead to prevent the source of annoyance/frustration as well.

When and as I stop react with annoyance/frustration within a particular situation, I stop judging/defining myself as ‘I am done through’ by realizing that the mind has multiple layers and thus there will be another point to face and transcend one after another, so I discipline myself to prevent projecting not to be annoyed into the future.

I commit myself to not project myself to the future in terms of annoyance and not being annoyed/frustrated about something and keep disciplined, present and self-honest to walk through all aspects and layers of my mind/myself.

IMG_4155-small2I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become annoyed towards authorities, people, establishment, system which has authority over me about something, such as job, workplace, government, law enforcement and going into reaction mode of annoyance, frustration and during it focusing to my reaction instead of the source of my reaction, which is powerlessness, giving up and fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is not supporting to feel annoyance/frustration in relation to authorities because I focus to a reaction and not the possible solution from the problem, which is the source of the frustration/annoyance and to see why I allowed to automatize such reaction in the first place to be able to stop and change myself and my relationship to annoyance/frustration.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the common sense solution instead of annoyance/frustration towards authorities is to remain present and to be able to recognize and see opportunities to share myself, apply myself to influence/change the system itself consisting of the authorities according to what is best for me and to others.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that aspects of authorities are accumulated manifested consequences throughout long time and thus also requires accumulation of application to be able to stand up to it and change it thus requiring commitment, patience and consistent application of common sense.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that to fight against authorities can not be the solution because what I fight against is also myself, my accepted manifested consequence, thus not fight/resistance is required but embracing, understanding and to find out what is best for all participants.

I commit myself to stop resisting/accepting reactions and frictions in regards to authorities and start applying common sense and embrace it and take responsibility within principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get annoyed/frustrated when I learn something new and I see a potential within me and try to project it into reality without considering the physical time/space requires to learn the necessary practical skills and then comparing and superimposing my mind’s state to reality and thus creating friction.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the potential I see/visualize/sense/imagine in my mind cannot be superimposed to reality because in order to live that potential, I must learn and apply the necessary practical application which requires effective, physical work to be done, thus I should rather focus to that instead of comparison of my mind and the friction of not being able to do as I imagine without effective learning.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the impatience/frustration/annoyance I accepted one occasion after another accumulated into an acceptance of this energetic state of powerlessness/giving up, which is in fact of fear and I must commit myself to stop this to accept and start finding practical ways to change this as myself as equal as one.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that why I fear when I feel powerless within annoyance of not being able to learn as I imagine in my mind, projecting onto reality, which is because fear from losing time and fear of not being sure, fear of making a mistake, fear of facing consequence of my decision and also the fear of admitting the fact that I am not in direction, I am in fact not existing as directive principle, only as manifested consequence of self-dishonest past decisions, which would require to become aware of and stop participate and change myself within one by one.

I commit myself to become patient, directive within learning new skills and to realize that the potential I see within myself I want to see being manifested immediately will require effort and time which I stop fear investing if I decide to learn.

I commit myself to trust my decisions of what I want to learn and how much effort I want to give into it. If I am unable to make such clear decisions, I apply self-forgiveness, self-correction to that decision-making about the point and also in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become annoyed when communicating with others and cannot explain what I want or cannot make the other understand or react to what they communicate and being lost in the reaction instead of hear the message the other wants to say or be able to focus to give the message I want to share.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get annoyed/frustrated when communicating with someone because can’t understand the other or make the other understand me and not realizing that there is such option when it is common sense not to continue communicating thus giving up is practical, which does not mean giving up what I want, just giving up in the moment wanting to enforce something but not being aware of the differences of these two.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that not only I should focus to myself while communicating to ensure not to be influenced by inner reactions of thoughts/feelings/emotions to ensure more direct communication but also to consider the other participant(s) of how much being able to receive my communication and not taking personally when there is challenge or resistance but to see what can be done or what shall I try to change within my communication to support further understanding.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I allowed myself to have a tendency to get frustrated/annoyed while communicating with other because seeing that I can’t express myself in the way that the other would understand what I say and not wanting to accept it because then I would judge myself as not being able to communicate effectively and meanwhile focusing to this reaction, this fear, while disregarding how to communicate effectively with this specific person, I actually manifest what I fear from – not being able to communicate effectively.

I commit myself to focus to effective communication and not the reactions I would accept within in judgement, comparison of my communication and preventing myself to go into frustration/annoyance by realizing that the source of such reaction is fear, pre-judgement, which I commit myself to understand and correct within myself.

I commit myself to stick to practical common sense within communication with others to prevent frustration/annoyance, and if there is an emotion/feeling/thought then I let all judgement go, I realize what is the exact fear I hide behind and I face it and let it go and focus to what is here.

I commit myself to see what is the very point I would become annoyed/frustrated with what I have to improve/change within myself when communicating with others and preventing myself to go into reactions and to remain consistent within applying practical solutions.

IMG_4487-smallFor self-support, self-learning, self-empowering, I suggest to walk the free DESTENI I PROCESS LITE online course:

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

This supports with the basic understanding of what are emotions, thoughts, feelings to be able to open up points what we are not comfortable with within ourselves, to understand the concept of Self-forgiveness, which is not just a formal ‘medicine’, but can be the seed of awareness required to take responsibility to stop what is self-dishonest, not supporting ourselves, others.

[JTL Day 229] Movement and change – frustration/annoyance

  • (The blog moves from Blogger to WordPress – only due to technical limitations of Blogger – currently WordPress seems to be less limited – I am not yet sure that I would keep the http://talamon.blogspot.com, until that I share the post at both places)
  • I was on holiday with limited net availability, but I was ‘working’ on several points which I realized it is not self-honest within myself. That of one is frustration and annoyance, mostly when about leaning something and reality is different from what I imagined as potential but it also applies when communicating with someone and there is misunderstanding/disagreement. So I was opening up this point recently.

Movement and change – frustration/annoyance

Within the previous posts I was walking through layers of how and why I allowed the tendency to always want to have control over me, my reality and ended up starting to decompose the patterns of my own breathing application, meaning how I allowed to have concepts, definitions, judgements, polarities about how to breath which was not direct self-expression based on self-trust, but of personality definitions to overcome fear, which has it’s limitation while I am being limited, especially during stopping, learning, changing.

During movement and change at my limits there can be a frustration – it’s very specific, I start to see through it, so I am ‘ready’ to walk through and forgive and stop this – because it’s obviously not supporting me.

So I move – I keep moving, I express and I direct and I know that there is a point where is my limit – and I keep trying to do it without actually using common sense, practical understanding, I just keep pushing it, like a bull, with it’s head to the wall, wanting to ‘break through’.

Then I bounce back from the ‘wall’ – my limitation and I immediately stand up and go for it again – then I hit the wall again and then I am still being stopped by that limitation.

Meanwhile I ‘try’ not to define, by the superimposed belief that if ‘I keep myself undefined’ – after a while I will ‘just learn and expand’ and I kind of expect or even a tiny bit: hope that – and I still PUSH.

So after a while, based on my desired/hoped expectation of being able to do it I start to react. And the more I fail, the more I react and then I ‘channel’ this compound energy to fuel the next attempt until a certain point where from it becomes frustration, anger and eventually powerlessness. Why?

Because not only I try to focus and do the thing I want, but now I also experience this energetic movement of frustration, anger, an emotional state, which influences me, kind of demands it’s attention and as I become more and more frustrated and angry, I am less and less able to focus to the thing I try to do actually.

I also noticed that this failure/frustration/anger thing apparently fuels ‘not to give up’ – but as the energy discharges I catch myself not to be motivated to actually keep hitting the brick wall with my head and I give up.

What I do not realize is that I give up based on emotion and completely missing to apply common sense: which would be giving up the reaction/emotion/energy and to practically see what I miss, what needs to be done in order to be able and actually do what I want.

So also a mistake is to generalize, have ‘one rule to all’ – and what I described here actually works sometimes – but not always- with simple physical skills mostly yes, but when it requires a certain TECHNIQUE, obviously not, because I need more than resilience – I need understanding and actual practical knowledge, but by deliberately avoiding that I keep ‘falling’.

What I also see is that vigorously being obsessed with ‘remaining undefined’ meanwhile not realizing the fact that I still accept those self-definitions what I accepted to become as me before this decision of ‘remaining undefined’ and somehow hoping that even those patterns would fade away, even without me becoming aware of those(myself).

Because it is not the words, the definitions are the problem, it is me who I accept myself to exist in relation to those patterns, automatic reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions in my mind, body and beingness.

It should not be that surprise that I am in no way being able to really CONTROL my thoughts, feelings, emotions – I happen to have thoughts. What if I do not know what I am going to do, perceive, believe – and I will be influenced by what thoughts I accept to silently talk in my head?

What if I could become aware of when and why I have certain thoughts? Would I still ‘think’ it if I would be aware of that – I don’t explain why the existence and very acceptance of thoughts/feelings/emotions are the indication of ignorance, lack of understanding and quite of a powerlessness.

(See for yourself – if you can have thoughts, like ‘NOOO, thoughts are cool and helps me to be smart/better/etc’ – that is also an indication of the extent of the self-deception)

Those thoughts are kind of preordained, hard-wired – not eternally, but currently, yet we do not need to accept that – also because inner reactions are self-accepted, in a way self-created, thus self can understand and stop them as well.

What I have realized within automatic reactions is that I have to be aware of all aspects to ensure to be really able to direct myself regarding to it – and if I am really aware – I also see that I do not need thought/feeling/emotion, even further I also realize that yet if I still have such reactions – I am not aware enough and I am still not the directive principle here.

There are always multiple dimensions – our mind has been set up with many-many fallback mechanisms, meaning there is always a good excuse to remain reactive, to accept a thought, to justify a good feeling or even ‘protect’ the necessity of an emotion, but there is always a layer behind that and one must commit to stand with principle, because the very fabric of one’s character or personality is existing for to accept these reactions with the self-definition of who one accepts to remain as.

But beyond the definitions, the mind, the consciousness systems, there is a whole level of existence waiting to be recognized and nurtured, the physical expression of life, as flesh.

This however does not exclude a purpose, the application of words, meanings, see, this is where I was persuaded with my mind that all I have to do is to disregard my mind to ‘break through’ and let it go and not realizing that I was letting go the utmost specificity within self, which allowed the already pre-programmed personality relationships to remain as who I defined myself to be, in this specific case: the tendency to justify frustration as an energetic fuel to become possessed to ‘get’ what I want without realizing facts, common sense and actual practical skills required to be actually effective.

So then it is always about who I accept myself to be – if I can accept myself as being directed by such consequence – then that is I am responsible for to exist within.

However there is a decision what can be made, to live as the principle to stand up as life from within – where there is no compromise accepted by self – and it’s a process, but one can realize more and more by walking through the layers of the mind to see that the decision, the will, the technique, the words, the understanding is still not enough: it has to be actual physical ability, skill, practical knowledge in real space and time with and as the human flesh.

Update: So by writing all those down, next time I’ve faced similar points of possible frustration, I was already more aware the tendency I can go into the certain reaction, so it already supported me – well, in fact I support myself, that’s the cool point to share within this – is that this is a practical scenario of the Unification of Man – all the fractions of my mind, personality, memory, reactions, programming, the flesh – within this process of unifies here as equal as one as self.

There are still patterns to be specified, opened up and understood in terms of this certain type of frustration, anger, then the obsession going into wanting to get the thing done which I become frustrated about by failing and within that how I omit to use the words constructively and instead I still accept reactions and thus accumulation of energetic reactions, thus separating my beingness from here, where is the only opportunity lies within and as the human physical body to express the realization, the living forgiveness of actual change from energy consciousness to the awareness of the physical substance as life as self here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated about something without being aware of what I accept to participate within and why I do it and thus not realizing how much I compromise my self-trust, self-honesty, self-direction within such reaction instead of assisting and supporting myself to prevent myself going into any emotional reaction and direct myself to see it clearly what I miss to understand in order to become more effective.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the responsibility I always have in regarding to frustration and anger, first of all with what example I show to myself, others, the world about what a human should accept to be exist within and as, second the consequences I manifest by acting out within frustration and anger instead of applying practical common sense.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have built patterns around things I want to do and how I go into my mind with the immediate visualizing of a desire which disregards physical facts, my current state, skills and physical abilities and thus can’t properly apply the best practical way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to not realize that ‘letting go’ and ‘disregarding’ past acceptances is not enough, especially if I am not aware of what and why I did what was self-dishonest, because then I will not be aware of when I will actually repeat it without being aware of it.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I defined words and meanings of words as complication and distraction from self and I did not realize that I can become equal and one with words if I define, express and live them as myself without any polarity of the mind, without any relationship, energetic experience within consciousness systems.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the conclusion I made with trying to disregard words and meanings of words and relationship between words because I give up purifying myself with past-pre-programmed energetic automatic behavior which I hoped that I can leave behind if I disregard them long enough and not realizing that if I am not specific absolutely within awareness and understanding of how and why I created those word-energy-based relationships within my mind and body to give permission to move and change me automatically, then I am unable to let go and also not realizing that the solution is not letting go but embracing and stopping MYSELF HERE within absolute specificity.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the frustration I accept within myself as impatience, anger and powerlessness and how exactly I concluded myself to automatically react to certain situations instead of always being on point, applying common sense within constant and consistent physical presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within frustration I focus to the self-judgement I accept within myself as I automatically associate the situation with the definition I have based on a polarity in my mind about what is good and bad and defining the situation as bad and then frustration means I admit I have no power, I am unable to direct and I give up applying common sense and that is an anger I accept which then I accumulate until the point of it directing, controlling me meanwhile I completely miss what I do and how I should do it with the best possible application.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the acceptance of frustration and anger within myself is already became a point for being frustrated and angry, because it is already a consequence I accept which I do not stop, therefore judging my frustration and anger as bad instead of applying the required awareness application what is required to empower myself to assist and support myself not participating within anger and frustration any more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want everything immediately and if not getting it, then defining it not good enough, because who I defined myself to be is in this moment, because I can’t be constant and consistent, because I exactly know that I change by the minute by the emotions/feelings/thoughts so in fact this mini-me who wants it immediately will not be around much, so that’s why I need everything now, regardless of consequence and within this not realizing that this is not really who I am, but a mind-possession.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the specific points of my participation within my thoughts/feelings/emotions what energetically accumulate into self-acceptance of mind-possessions, which by also manifesting a frustration/self-anger self-judgement energetic possession/experience.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can stop accumulating layers of frustration-anger-powerlessness to overwhelm me by being present, recognizing the judgements I have the tendency to participate within and to stick to the physical, breathe, be here and understanding what is the correction for that particular pattern, such as the origin of the judgement, the specific fear to know as who I accepted myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize in moments of anger and frustration that I allow fear to overwhelm me to the point of losing presence, common sense, practicality and the physical reality, the only ‘place’, where the solutions can be applied and not allowing my mind to overwhelm, take over me in order to just act in order to remain as powerless as possible by not admitting that I fear to face the original fear as fear of change, fear of loss, which is not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from losing within action and going into frustration and anger because of fear of not having enough time and fear of making mistakes, because I defined myself as mistake maker which I wanted to compensate with judgements, definitions, instead of change myself to not need to have judgements, definitions, rules.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the self-deception within frustration and anger in the moment of physical experience of anxiety, losing presence, speeding up in my mind to realize the fear, the fear of change, the judgements I participate within to be able to assist and support myself within real time to stop and prevent myself acting based on this fear without understanding what it is actually I do, which is self-interest, because in the moment of fear, I only consider myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to establish an intimate relationship with my human physical body to the extent of being able to recognize the first signs of anger/frustration/anxiety in order to become aware of the self-deception I am pushing myself into, which will result only further anger/frustration/anxiety by in fact seeing what I do, how it is not supporting me, yet I still do it.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the first signs of the anger/frustration/anxiety are the shallow breaths, the loss of whole body awareness and only feeling my hands, my head, my chest, not feeling the heartbeat, the sounds of my breath, my body, the air going through my nostrils, the weight I have to the ground or the surface I am sitting/laying, my surroundings, so in short, a physical body awareness with constant, consistent cycle of breathing presence and this is a point of vulnerability of going into a mind-reaction-experience while disregarding what is here, disregarding common sense and consideration of more than myself only, therefore I stop and I re-align here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe/define/imagine/hope/feel/experience that the anger/frustration/anxiety would give me energy to overcome obstacles, difficulties by pushing me through where I would get tired or giving up and not realizing that this energy can not be trusted, because if I rely onto it, I make my movement conditional, limited, and this is not self-direction, but self-acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in any way justify why anger/frustration/anxiety can be accepted within myself in order to not needing to step back to see what I accept as self-judgement/fear, to not need to slow down within and re-align with what is here, as physical reality, consequences and facts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a sense of movement, speed, velocity, energy, force, when I speed up in my mind, meaning accepting inner reactions and one after another, reacting more, boosting up such as becoming more and more angry/frustrated/anxious and to define this as healthy/worthy/justifiable, while in fact not realizing that I am not really present, only existing as an accepted consequence, a pre-programmed experience, limited, conditional, predictable and once the energy is gone, I will stop moving, experiencing this sense of power and in fact it was never real.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that there is always a way to become more effective with presence, awareness, discipline, technique than going into emotional reaction, and if I do not know such way at the moment of the temptation of energetic reaction of anger/frustration/anxiety, it does not mean I can’t find out, learn, explore, realize, apply, step by step, one breath at a time.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can learn more effectively if I can skip going into emotional reactions, trusting myself and allowing my human physical body to learn naturally, to support my natural learning ability by stopping the reactions/judgements first and apply presence/writing/technique.

I forgive myself that I judge myself as not good enough, not talented, too rugged, too old, too slow, too educated etc if I see someone being effective or outstanding within doing something and if I try to do it and at first does not work/happen, and not realizing that the other might learned it for long time or uses a technique what I did not allow myself to understand, learn and actually my body to be able to do it, so any judgement of why I can’t do it is based on a fear which is unreal, but if I keep relying on that comparison/association, I actually focus to my own reaction instead of actually being able to understand/learn the thing I react to.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see the self-created, self-accepted relationships I exist within my mind in relation to frustration and impatience and not realizing that it is giving into the fear which I do not admit, understand or want to be aware of deliberately which is imperative for the solution I experience failing to achieve.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the fear which clouding my mind and manifesting impatience, frustration, anger and thus not being aware of the exact, specific details I fear from thus I have no power over my already accepted, automatized mind-body reaction as thoughts/feelings/emotions to balance out/overwhelm or hide my permission to give up on myself by giving into the fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized where is tendency within my personality to become impatient, frustrated, angry about and thus assist and support myself to bring myself back here, stop the habit of losing myself and to see exactly when and how I give my power away, which is presence and directive power here physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I allowed myself to become impatient, frustrated and angry when I try to explain something to someone and the person does not hear what I say, literally, or not understanding me or even when the person does not agree with me and with that impatience/frustration/anger I try to emphasize my expression in order to become more effective while not realizing that I am actually becoming emotional, not communicating effectively by considering not only me, my want for the other to understand, but the other as well and change my expression accordingly by giving into an energetic trigger within me into fear and become frustrated/anxious/angry/impatient.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize/discover/become able to learn how to apply directive principle within consistency while communicating with other/others, meaning not lose my head when I experience difficulty within explaining something which the other/others do not get/understand/hear or does not agree with.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware what I fear from essentially when I accept and allow to become frustrated/impatient/angry while not being able to communicate the way I wanted or facing disagreement from others and never realized the opportunity in those moments to not focus to my reactions but to the origin/source point of my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from remaining alone, rejected, disregarded and excluded if I am not able to make others understand, hear what I say, think, feel, because then there is no external point for what I represent, thus I am defenseless from doubt and not realizing that this is an attitude from my past, when I was uncertain, doubtful about who I am and what is relevant to stand for but today I am clear on that so any reaction to doubt is in fact something I have not yet opened up within me and became automatically accepted as who I perceive and behave myself ‘to be’.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I go into argument with anyone, it is a fight for my limitation, which is self-dishonest, because I give into the fear, doubt, the energetic reactions of frustration/anger/anxiety/impatience.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I am not clear within, without emotions, without full, physical, beingness presence, I am influenced by my mind, which is a mirror for what I accept myself to be as reactions to self-accepted, self-programmed self-dishonesty, so thus the solution is to understand the scenario, myself and apply stopping, changing, literally forgiving myself by not participating in this pattern in the moment, in the next moment, and from now on in any moment until it comes up.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I communicate with somebody/people and they tell me I am wrong it is alright and also can support me who I am as realizing I am not what I know or think, and also it can be support to question my perception, my way and also it might give a perspective, angle what I did not see before, so it is not I am wrong, it is just what I perceived was not correct, but there is nothing wrong with me if I remain here, open, self-honest and present, so realizing no need to go frustration/anger/anxiety/impatience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into disagreement and communication conflict with others because what if I am being totally rejected and perceived, judged as wrong thus I would need to question the points I state, live by which might lead to the realization that all I perceived, stated, lived by was wrong, thus who I am is wrong, which I defined as fearful and not realizing that this is also a point of self-support as all I realize was not correct I can let go and I stop participate within and I give myself the gift of change, but with common sense, self-direction, presence.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I defined myself and my personality as the job for protecting myself, my ideas, my dreams, my perceptions, my values all the time because if I would not do so, I would be challenged, shaken, shattered, as personality, and then I would not know who I am or what I suppose to do which I defined as fearful, being lost, which I associated with a physical uncomfortable experience, which I defined as important to avoid.

I forgive myself that within the constant worry and fear that I would be wrong or my values/definitions could be wrong, I became the constant defender of my own interest without realizing that actually my values/definitions/judgements/personality can be of delusion without I realize it, as I could not see the forest from the trees literally, meaning that experiencing a fear of being wrong while not realizing that I am in fact wrong about what I perceive as true and not realizing that I could let go the value/definition/judgement/personality which is wrong and so then I would not fear as well and there would be nothing to protect within fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that all I fear losing, needing to protect, justify and argue for is self-interest/definitions which I have as excuses to tell me and others that this is who I am and that is why I do not fear, because I know, meanwhile even myself I know that I do all of this because I fear, I fear of loss, fear of change, fear of unknown.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I accept and allow the fear of unknown because I defined unknown that I could not have rule/definition/value for it, I could not know how to react to/act with, which then would mean I would have to change, which I also do not know, therefore I would not know or be able to define who I am which then would take me to the original point of fear of who I am, which is because I do not know who I am, which is because I never really realized.

Self-corrective statements

When and as I realize that I am experiencing anger/frustration, I immediately understand that I have automatically judged the situation based on a programming I am not aware of, wherein I reacted with fear, getting emotional to the fact that I am not directing, therefore I re-align myself within and as my human physical body – here, breathing, feeling the weight, the presence and give myself a moment to remain here and see, why I become frustrated, instead of understand what is it I resist to CHANGE in order to become more effective within direction.

When and as I experience anger/frustration/anxiety, I let go the energy, I stop participate within it, I breathe through and I look with common sense what it is what requires to understand what I can do instead of go into reaction/emotion and then focus to that, so instead of the reaction, I re-align with what I do not understand, what technique I can apply to become more effective.

When and as I go into frustration/anxiety, anger, I realize I admitted that I am powerless and I am angry at myself, even when I feel like I blame/judge something outside of me, I see that only me I can blame in fact, so I stop this blame, I take responsibility and I see what I actually can do what helps within the situation without needing energy separated from me.

When and as I see the point of not being aware of my physical presence, when my breath becomes shallow, I do not feel the body, my surroundings, the physical ‘input’ HERE – I re-align and I let go what is going in my mind and I answer that what it is I do not trust myself directly here and using reactions and judgements in the mind to influence/direct me to become more effective and not realizing that it is not directly here as myself, so I realize what is the original judgement based on fear that I made the decision to automatize myself to use reaction/emotion/energy within this specific situation and I apply self-forgiveness in the moment as I change myself directly.

When and as I see that I am becoming angry/frustrated/anxious, I realize I am going into self-sabotage and in fact self-hate which is the opposite of actual solution, so I shift myself out of it and I directly see what can be actually applied to the direct solution, such as look it broadly, check the details, see: do I have the required knowledge, understanding, technique, equipment etc for the thing I do to be done and act accordingly.

When and as I become frustrated because I repeatedly ‘fail’ doing something, I check, do I really do everything I can for the solution, or is there anything else I can try to become more effective?

When and as I am becoming frustrated, I check, am I clear of energy, reaction, previously accumulated emotions/feelings/thoughts in my mind which influences me, takes my attention away, and if yes, I stop those, I breathe and I re-align to be here, empty yet open within and then I see what I can do for being more effective.

When and as I see that I am unable to communicate/tell/explain/make understand something to somebody, I remain here, present, I realize that going into reaction/emotion/frustration/impatience/anger would make me focus to my reaction and I would lose clarity, presence, the point I decided to communicate about, so I focus to what is here, how I communicate, how the other is and I apply common sense.

When and as I see that I am losing presence, becoming impatient, frustrated about the fact that somebody does not understand what I say or does not agree with me, even with the efforts I make to happen so, I remain here, present, I realize that I do not need to become emotional, going into fear, doubt if someone does not understand, agree with me – however it also does not require to exclude noting that who and why disagrees with me and is there anything I can improve within my expression and communication or also to consider do I need to continue communicate the point I started with the person I talk with.

When and as I see the point of being disagreed with during a conversation/communication with other/others, I realize that even if people disagree with me – I can remain here, present, and remain open, yet disciplined to make all I can do in order to express myself the best practical way to the others understand me.

When and as I would go into the fear of not knowing what will happen if I let go the defense of my knowledge, values, personality, justification, I realize that who I am is here, regardless of knowledge, so to realize that if I fear – I do not really know an aspect of myself, that’s why I fear – because it’s unknown, or I know myself enough that I would react with a way what is also fearful and I did not realize that I can change that aspect of myself.

When and as I experience doubt, doubtful thoughts, disagreement within myself, I stop and I allow myself to unify here within a decision of what I am going to do and then I trust myself within that and whatever comes up within – I breathe and let it go, forgive myself for participating within.

When and as I would go into disagreement with myself, it means I do not know myself, so I open up myself and ask the question of who I am in relation to this and also that who I want to be in relation to this according to self-honesty, of consideration all what is here.

Self-commitment

I commit myself to walk through the trigger points of frustration/anger/anxiety/annoyance to become aware the patterns I allowed to become my tendency before participating within and assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, breathing, self-corrective application.

I commit myself to find develop patience and self-direction to commit myself to let go all the points of frustration/annoyance/anger/anxiety and let go the fear and establish self-trust within consistent presence.

I commit myself to develop awareness and presence during communicating with others and change myself in order to be able to express myself more clearly with consideration the person(s) I am communicating with as well.

I commit myself to walk through all the patterns of going into polarity of wanting to have technique to be automatized in order to not needing to be present all the time and also to walk through all the instances of ever coming up an idea of me not wanting/needing to be here and finding out what exact fear I am not aware of yet participating within to be able to understand/forgive/stop and change myself in relation to frustration/annoyance.

Okay – this is it for now. I see several points/dimensions where I will continue to apply self-correction to specify within writing on how to support physical change. This I also recognize as practical support for re-aligning breathing within action to prevent going into mind-reactions and ‘micro’-possessions, meaning going into continuous reactions, like following the thought-feeling-emotion tube while not being present and directive, which is always the same self-limitation.

I just listened these Atlantean interviews for assist and support myself with understanding ANNOYANCE further.

As always – of EQAFE, this is outstanding support, explains so much about annoyance and how the mind works and how to stand up for the annoying self-acceptance of annoyance: (Click on the image for the support). What I already realized with the support of these interviews I will continue in the next post.

Full annoyance what is it atlanteans part 189

Annoyance support  introduction

Further support for annoyance: