Day 442 – Judging the annoying person


Amazing plant I saw recently

I had this recently, there was a dude in the new office we moved into, who just seemed so obnoxious, something in his voice was just bugging me so much. Not only for me, others said similar as well. Then I realized, let’s see what’s this, I never liked gossip or talking behind people, so at a company party I literally took myself and walked to him and started talking with him, to get to know him, not just let him in, in my presence and react, but to direct myself to ask, to understand, to directly ‘feel’ without inner, mind movement.

By talking with him, I had to realize so many things; this guy had so much bad stuff in his life, he is sort of broken inside at the moment, burned out, disappointed, treated badly, got really bad injury(hit by a car!), almost like lost everything. He is tainted with sadness and bitterness.
He had this sort of perfect, well worked out, model-like muscular body and handsome face, yet somehow his sort of aura was still not ‘attractive'(not for me, just he also explained, had no ‘luck’ with ladies nowadays).
I felt a bit sorry for him and myself judging him before knowing as well for a moment.

He said, he wants to leave, to restart in an other country. Usually I do not agree with changing environment instead of changing self here first, but this time I naturally told him, yes, go, leave ASAP, change your life for the better. He told me, he already resigned, yes, will leave. Good. Absolutely self-honestly, not for me not needing to be exposed to his presence and voice, but for him.
Since then – I had no reaction to him in my mind. I did not mind anymore when he was close to exchange words a couple of times until he left. It still seemed we will not be buddies, I even observed a thought once that ‘he does not like me’ – but then I did let that go for real and it worked.

So it’s the direct intervention what assisted me here, to step beyond my reaction, my feel, my definition and the wish to reveal what’s actually real here, not just what’s in my head.

Of course, all bad, annoying, apparently selfish and harmful people: they are not inherently evil, they are just currently concluded into this sort of expression – but it’s different from KNOWING to LIVING this knowledge, in real time action.

This made me realize MY responsibility, even with strangers I have. To be myself. That is best I can do for all. Mind blown. Whoever I encounter, whatever I go through in any given moment, that is my responsibility, that is my reality, that is who I am: to express within self-honesty, no matter what. This is the real freedom, not a bunch of billions and yachts I always believed.

I used to shut down any notion of this kind within myself before, by generating a sort of doubt and worry of who am I to want to influence others, what if I am wrong, what if I ‘assist’, direct or push people towards something what would end up being even worse – the thought of manifesting an irreversible, yet defined by me as bad consequence haunted me to utter oblivion until I did shovel this kind of attitude of mine deep and dark into me so then I do not ‘risk’. Just then I do not LIVE either.

So it’s fascinating how easily people can judge without understanding, just because they are being triggered. Well, myself, for sure.
In the moment of emotional reaction I live out distraction, a sort of result of a deduction process in my mind but based on doubt and fear, self-interest, judgment and conviction; instead of always working with facts here, regardless of good or bad based on my past pre-programming.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people before knowing them just because they trigger me to react with ‘bad’, ‘negative’ automatically, believing this experience to be real, to be the other person; instead of slowing down within for a moment and acknowledge: I only see, experience, react to MYSELF, I project, I blame, I judge, because to embrace, to reveal, to become vulnerable for what’s really here I define as not worth risking, rather choosing self-limitation, even when I know that I do limit myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to people’s voice, tonality based on how I react to the voice to automatically conclude how or who the person is, based on the automatic scoring system in my mind, because whatever is ‘negative’ – I do not like, I do not want, I do not care to understand.
  • I forgive myself that I have not fully allowed to sink in that I define myself, who I am as already solid, manifested, birthed, this is who I am and I can not change who I really am in flesh, so I need to accept myself and live with it and not admitting that this is an excuse that I was wandering in a maze and although I have the thread of Ariadne with what I can back track where I came from, I do not do that, I define myself to be lost in a way, that ‘it happened that I came out to be here like this, so this is it’ instead of really embracing the fact that I can go back, I can undo my self-creation and choose a different path within self-honesty, even if it means years of work, receiving support and truly committing for working through even the ‘bad’ experiences, what always turning out to be just a perception.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that whenever I hesitate¬† in front of a judgment, reaction of whether I accept this and become,¬† or I MOVE and step out of it’s way and ACT IMMEDIATELY and open up, communicate, share and trust myself unconditionally – even if I will make mistake, that is how I learn who I am today and assisting myself
    to keep re-committing myself to re-align again and push and birth myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized how and why I judge people and why I accept myself keep judging them day by day, instead of admitting, this is dumb, this is limiting, boring and robotic; instead of stepping out from the mind’s apparently safe and clever comfort zone into a vulnerable yet more potent with opportunity to express within self-honesty situation.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I do not need to be
    liked by anyone to be who I am within self-honesty, it is not dependent on anything but who I am as Life here, thus any time I find myself still relying on this dependency, I forgive myself for that specifically and let go IN REAL TIME within and as BREATH HERE as action.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself believe that freedom is to have enormous amount of money and to be able to buy and pay anything, not realizing that this is a compensation in my mind, because can’t become in flesh who I am as a being, so rather just buy everything I desire – and within that not admitting that this is not freedom, this is indoctrination.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized what actual and real freedom is for me, which is to be absolutely honest with myself in every and all moments consistently, to commit and live myself without the participation of the mind, the thoughts, the feelings, emotions, systems, comparisons, polarities, separations, convictions; and to learn to breathe without a thought, walk without thinking, move without mind-energy of feelings or emotions, to direct and move as the physical directly, no separation, no dependency of conviction.
  • I commit myself to not accept any judgment within myself towards myself or others, but to walk right into this construct and decompose, understand and transcend in real time.
  • I commit myself to keep sharing my process of self-honesty within the realization that this is who I really am as life.

Be bold and brave, delve into Desteni, it is extraordinary, incomprehensible support for anyone who dares to be honest with themselves.

Day 413 – Forgiving the soldier within

IMG_0527Continuing from my last post where I ranted about why I apply self-bully basically within my writings towards myself.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to control and dominate myself because otherwise I would get loose, like a beast who can not be trusted, thus needs to be firm and direct in the sense of no bullshit, no fun, like when taming a wild animal and not realizing that this is originating from self-judgement and shame and common sense is to face those self-definitions and let go and cross-reference perceptions with facts.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that my inherent nature is a beast without any sense of what’s good or bad as consumed in self-interest and thus I need morality and control, suppression and fear to prevent manifesting bad and evil actions, instead of realizing that the very self-definition I manipulate myself into control is a result of a fear and doubt from me, from me accepting myself as originally tainted, infected and infested with evil; instead of realizing that this is only a symptom and result of brainwashing and not being able to stand up to my own self-created and accepted self-dishonesty in relation to my own thoughts, feelings and emotions.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the more firmly and brutally direct/control – myself, the results of self-betterment will be also more advanced and not realizing the whole dynamic behind this, such as starting point as fear, self-separation, self-manipulation, self-delusion to start with.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I want to use force, energy and manipulation to direct myself, which accepts and prolongs to exist me within self-separation as the assumption by default is that I can not directly move and orchestrate aspects of myself, but I need to apply force to control, just like machines and robots around me, being separated from me and within that not realizing that the solution is to slow down and prevent myself keeping up with the judgments, the assumptions, the definitions and using my thoughts, feelings and emotions to tell me how I feel, what I should do and how I should be – instead just embrace and move as one and equal with and as my body, mind and beingness.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that there is an inherent fear behind forcing myself and not trusting myself and thus I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself that I can be gentle and direct with myself yet effective and moving, and not to realize that an aspect of myself I only can’t direct as myself as one and equal, if there is self-separation manifested by self-judgement, fear and self-definition, thus the solution is to prevent myself going into those patterns while keep learning to express myself in and as the physical, one breath at a time and when making mistakes, to remain present and understand reality.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the wording I utilize within communicating with myself, especially in writing – is not the most supportive way, because I rely on energy, force, power and dominance, control and pressure, which means still accepting self-dishonest, self-sabotaging patterns and trying to break through, fight and win over those, instead of focusing on PREVENTING to participate within them, for what, I need to be aware of them exactly in utmost detail in order to be able to foresee a situation/circumstance to be able to recognize that ‘I’ve been down on this path before and it’s not supportive, let’s STOP and try something else, new’.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that soldiers are cool, because they seem strong and durable, they can win and they are brave, not realizing that they are literally soul-diers, meaning their life is degenerated to be a pawn of someone else’s war and the possibly reason why they acclimatize themselves as ‘normal’ during war is their psychological issues which they did not yet learn how to face and transcend, thus not being able to stand up to a system forcing people to fight and kill each other for money, resources, consciousness memes, religious and ideological wars, the accumulated consequence of millions of individuals self-accepted inner wars on the level of their polarity-based-energetic mind through thoughts, feelings and emotions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized how fighting and battling wars within myself is the same as wars outside of me in this world, and how my acceptance within is unconsciously manifesting acceptance of war in this world and also accepting the mentality of wanting to dominate, control, win and destroy what is in my way, even if it’s my own manifested patterns, behavior, thoughts, feelings and emotions, my physical body, for instance when being possessed with something to do what obviously abuses or harms my human physical body, such as over-eating, over-fasting, drugs, alcohol, self-harm, existing in constant anxiety and fear, etc.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the inherent need for conflict and fight, the feeling to have for winning and being right is an energetic addiction what I accept and allow, without asking how and why I ended up being a slave to my mind with the delusion of me being in control and freedom.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity of prevention as being the best cure when it comes to participating in my energetic mind, because it is already proven, understood and being obvious that I am much more present, stable, efficient and well-being when there is no friction within my mind, there is no thought, feeling or emotion what can distract and separate me expressing LIVING in and as the flesh directly.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the extent of copying my parents within my personality, behavior, self-definitions and opinions, and thus not recognizing them or even if doing so, justifying to hold onto instead of cross-referencing with facts, just because of this energetic experience what can tune my attitude, attention and attraction towards wanting to be right, to avoid any case of being wrong, because then I would fear that my automatic mind, – which is superior than me, as can make decisions without me knowing or being able to say no – so then my mind would define me being wrong, losing, weak and then going down towards self-hatred, defining myself to be miserable, fucked and lost – instead of learning the specificity of my mind-energy-word-polarity patterns with understanding the real world trigger points to be able to prevent them with effective breathing in physical awareness and presence.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my parents being fucked up in the head yet not realizing that I carry the same energetic signature and self-definitions as them just not being aware of it, thus not even seeing when participating in those thoughts, feelings, emotions and not being able to say NO and STOP.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that fighting myself equals self-defeat in all ways, as no matter how or what I achieve the experience of winning, some part of me is ending up losing – it’s common sense, thus it’s to realize the judgement point of self-separation.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the fear of lost control and wanting to introduce more control, more firm grip, more direct power to aspect and areas of self-doubt, yet not realizing the extent of delusion that with more control I would achieve perfect direction, because there is only limited amount of energy and attention is available to control some parts of me and thus in this way there always will be some part ‘straying away’, doing stuff I want to fight and control.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the futility of self-control and self-dominance as not realizing that this is not the best practical way, but it is to go through all aspects of myself and one by one, purify, liberate and forgive myself for any definition, doubt, fear or separation, to prevent myself to go into energetic patterns manifested by words of thoughts, feelings, emotions what would charge me into battles in myself, instead of being able to earn self-trust with awareness and practical action.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the fear of making mistakes is the fear of discovering self thus the only way is to face all fears and let go, literally letting go the things I can’t direct and embracing with responsibility the all the things I can direct.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the habit of self-punishment, self-doubt, self-hate and self-judgment when I make mistake, I do something wrong or not being able to get/achieve or do what I want – distracting myself with the emotion of frustration and anger, instead of remaining cool, present and enjoy the teaching presenting itself here, so then being able to learn, so being able to plan how to do next time for betterment.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to challenge myself at points of honestly being able to see points where I still did not yet change, but I know that I should – and not going into applying self-forgiveness immediately when seeing the point within, but to go down to that road again what I already know that will end up creating inner pressure by seeing what I do yet I should not do already – and not taking the courage to PUSH myself without energy – as that would mean being unconditional, stable and reliable self-movement and self-change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that all self-control, self-bully and self-soldiering indicate inner fight, which indicates self-separation and energetic friction caused by accepted self-judgement, self-definition and polarity of good and bad based on self-interest and as fear.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can start changing immediately when writing by working on using words more directly, within simplicity to work with my current actual reality, to ensure there is no energy involved, no polarity, no double standards (such as re-defining something by saying what not to do), instead of rather finding clarity and practical common sense with words as to recognize, the more simple and direct something is, the easier to live it as well.

Ok, so these words assist to place myself in more understanding situation when I would be triggered again to rely on control, inner fighting and friction to move me, instead of taking a moment to STOP – and see reality first, then move.

I am going to sound, say aloud these sentences to hear these words and to see if there is anything to specify, tune, add or re-align.

Remember, the greatest challenge to our mind is to be able to stand without the need for it, to stop it, but that requires true self-knowledge, as in the Matrix:

Don’t think you are, KNOW you are.

(I just can’t avoid quoting this from time to time as it’s so direct practical wisdom)

That means to be able to stand in this existence without any self-definition, polarity of good or bad, any interest to protect or save me but to stand with and as all exists. That means, in this lifetime placement to understand my past, embrace my present and have a direction towards a future wherein I stand as All Life in practical, tangible, earthly, in this world system effectiveness.

Will continue with self-corrective statements and self-commitments.

Day 260 – Decomposing delusions part 1

IMG_3633Here I walk through the self-dishonesty I’ve shared within my previous post by taking responsibility for what I’ve allowed to manifest as myself and within that I reveal the specificity to support my practical understanding of how I can release the delusion and start transforming and changing my living in terms of spirituality, drugs and dancing, but beyond those to accumulate knowing and trusting myself to express here in and as the physical directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people who dance and dancing in overall and trying to form an apparently valid opinion about what is good, cool, acceptable, nice, great and what is not and not realizing that as long as I participate within polarity, it’s not actually about dancing, but my self-judgments projected into dancing, thus I reflect it back to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dance to music or in silence in overall, because I’ve defined that I can’t dance and I have no sense for that and think that probably I would look silly and awkward, because that’s how I’ve felt when I was invited to dance by others, who wanted to dance with me.
I forgive myself that I have defined dancing as wasting time, because what’s good within moving my body when I can move my mind and not realizing that I’ve misplaced and misinterpreted who I am as defined it based on energetic experiences instead of realizing that the source of all is here in and as the physical body, which I disregarded, separated from who I perceived myself to be, therefore that perception have also influenced how I moved, felt moving and thus defining myself not to be good within dancing, because I’ve never learned it and I can’t let go this definition, because I’ve already concluded myself to be not interested in dancing, to be ineffective in dancing by definition.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the more I let go definitions and judgments, thoughts and emotions in my mind, the more I can be present and let the music into me and embrace it and move with it or against it, but simply: move myself without self-judgement as also accepting myself to be here who I am and how I am in this moment and just breathe and let my body as myself to live.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have allowed to have the tendency to ‘auto-boxing’ definitions and automatize my thinking, judgments and categorizing, because I’ve defined that seems helpful to navigate in the jungle of reality, to not need to always be here in the present, because then I can’t go into my daydreaming, thinking, imagination processes, what I felt as necessary to separate and hide myself from reality, but at the same time I wanted to be effective in reality and thus tried to find algorithms, patterns and programmed behavior what with I can interact with reality and others without being disregarded and hurt, abused and lost.

I forgive myself that I never have allowed myself to stop for a moment from everything and be honest with myself to be intimate with myself about how I feel myself in reality, in relation to others, myself, such as disregarded, hurt, afraid, uncertain, but I’ve constantly became obsessed to hide these points from myself and others and also becoming addicted to consistently prove myself that I should be and am regarded, not afraid, certain and brave without being honest with myself that I feel like that ‘against’ the world and others, because I feel like that in relation to myself at the first place.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve defined energetic experiences in my mind as a measurement of how and who I am and not realizing that thus becoming dependent to the already self-accepted pre-programmed automatic definitions, judgments, behavior-patterns, with what I react certainly and with that reaction as I participate in it, I feel those energetic experiences of positive or negative and thus creating an inner mind experience, what I’ve defined that it is who I am and never questioning how and why I’ve created this persona within my head at the first place and also not realizing that I am not directly IN and AS the physical reality, but separated, distanced by these definitions and energetic reactions with the starting point of shelling, shielding, protecting me from the reality ‘out there’ and not even remembering that it is the case.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize within the constant busy reaction-chain experiences in my mind that I’ve disregarded my human physical body, thus I have no idea how it is, what it is actually experiencing and how I could find a way ‘back’ into it, because all I ever knew was the starting point of the mind, therefore constantly defining the physical as inferior and by that not realizing that I diminish my direct self here also as inferior without realizing it.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve became the slave of my already accepted patterns in my mind, what I never considered to be able to stop and re-define, rewrite and recreate based on what would be the best for me within self-honesty, because I’ve convinced myself with the delusion that how and who I perceive myself to be is who I really am already, therefore I do not need to change, but even further, I have to resist change, because in the justification of fear of losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I never considered direct change with awareness, understanding and responsibility within physical presence, empty head, feeling the breath and live as physical substance, because all of the brainwashing about consciousness and soul, feelings and thoughts, free will and morality without actually investigating the definitions I’ve given to these words and my actual relationship to them with looking them as myself equally with common sense.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become frustrated by the realization that I am in a roller-coaster of mind-experiences of thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, judgments, definitions, convictions, what are really limiting me and not realizing that accepting this frustration as judging myself about how I judge myself in the first place is not supporting, but creating anger towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to project out my frustration and anger to things, systems, manifestations, people and everything else around me about blaming those for my experienced limitations, and not acknowledging that in fact I am limiting myself right here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the anger and frustration I’ve experienced was because of the given up experience towards the self-acceptance to the self-created self-limitations and in fact being angry and hateful towards and against myself, wanting to undo, destroy my creation as who I allowed myself to became, but not being aware of this pattern, so manifesting my life to lose things, people, myself from time to time in order to not accumulate the limitations but never considering to change myself, the source of all of those things, problems, limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and define that I have to develop extraordinary discipline in order to walk out from the limitations and my mind-prison and not realizing that discipline without principle, structure, method and understanding means nothing, because it’s conditioned to things I can’t or don’t yet direct, such as my self-accepted pre-programmed patterns to react with thoughts/feelings/emotions to things, people, events, thus the common sense to decompose those patterns and forgive, let go and thus change myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the deception of wanting to do one something until it’s perfection so much that through it I can transform all of my beingness without actually understanding everything I consist of and by that not realizing that it’s not awareness I develop, but I accumulate energy, but thus I always would remain the slave of that energetic experience, without actually understanding how and why that affects and stimulates, moves and directs me, what I believed that I have to overpower with extraordinary discipline.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to go to a trance state in order to break another trance instead of simply direct myself out from mind-experiences into and as physical presence.

I forgive myself that I have not yet fully realized the common sense within self-realization the following sentence: “prevention is the best cure“, meaning not to fight, overbalance, equate, suppress or endure reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions, but to prevent myself going into those mind-states which by I accumulate presence, direction and stability.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to completely miss the point of self-direction, self-responsibility by realizing that I can actually stop myself doing something what I decide and if there is resistance within me to do so, then I look into me and stop that resistance first and doing so until there is nothing to resist, thus I can direct myself within consistent application.

I forgive myself that I have never considered the possibility and the actual common sense to be able to change myself, change my starting point, my perception, my direction and physical expression, and missing to see this, because believing that what I don’t change is because that is who I perceive myself to be, thus I am already that, who I am and not realizing that is self-dishonesty, an excuse not to understand why I believe that I am already myself, accepting myself to be limited, resisting change, facing unknown, myself.

I will continue specifically with the spiritual delusions aspect in the next post…

Until that – check out the latest DIP LITE awareness online course’s latest videos about what are thoughts and how to be more aware of those.