Day 340 – Emotions and Self-honesty

IMG_0898After yesterdays blog, I might have opened up Pandora’s box within myself as today I was quite emotional. (Well, before yesterday)

It’s rare thing for me, most of my life I’ve lived with perfecting suppressing emotions, but I am actually stopping as proven to be not the best approach(obviously), which might mean I do find myself within reactions.

I start with clarifying – within DIP online courses emotions are the negative-related energetic experiences, such as fear, worry, jealousy, hate, sadness, etc, while feelings are the positive ones, such as happy, excitement, etc.

Neither of them is bad or good, they are simply put: tools for expression. The self-dishonesty about these is that when they come and go ‘automatically’ and I am the puppet, when I am actually giving permission to get emotional, angry, sad, ‘fall into love’ or become obsessed with happy feelings, etc.

The practical approach within learning on how to LIVE words directly(instead of being influenced, stimulated by) is to redefine my relationship and meanings in relation to self-honesty and considerations of all participants of my reality here. Example: Instead of wanting to experience joy, I answer the question of ‘How can I Live Enjoyment?’.

Thus, it is Self-movement I live, not going through experiences and reacting, bouncing, conflicting through.

So, my commitment to stop suppressing emotions is about to break the following habit:

  • I experience/see/think of something what I have judgement about, somewhat memory, association, personal involvement.
  • I react with the judgement, I feel a certain energetic experience
  • I recognize that I am moving away from ‘center’ as this emotion would start to overwhelm me
  • I suppress the emotion, just ‘swallow it’, ‘push it down’ with a single inner movement, saying ‘go away’
  • I am here, clear, kind of logical, focused, stable again

This can happen quite automatically, part of my personality, in fact pretty fast, if I am not present and aware, I do not even notice that I am doing it.

There are various layers of why this became ‘normal’ for me – but mostly because I recognized that I am quite impaired and limited, less effective and compromised to apply logic and common sense when I am overwhelmed with emotions related to fear.
Kind of a weakness as I have defined it, thus better to spend time within this kind of states the least possible.

So instead of facing the fear, understanding it’s reality-related connection, I just want it to go away, instead of solving it’s origin.

Within my ‘culture’ – also to be a ‘man’ – means not to get ‘soft’ but strong, rigid and solid all the time, and with emotions I felt more vulnerable, unpredictable and unstable, so pretty early I decided not to spend too much time within emotional states, thus suppression, as ‘swallowing’ the reaction, suffering, doubt and fear became my second nature.

What I have not realized, seen and understood before, is that each and every emotion suppressed is not going anywhere, but stays with me, accumulates and creates layers, blocks and another level of automatic personality behaviour within me, and the top of that, once reached some kind of limit, I just can’t hold it anymore, kind of exerting it out, without any direction, control or power over it, regardless of situation, company or consideration. And that is quite a problem.

So, that’s why I am walking DIP PRO course, writing this blog, applying self-forgiveness, to understand myself more and prevent suppressing, but solving problems, so no need to judge, react, go into inner thinking mode – as whenever I do so – I am not acting, because of doubt, fear, confusion, resistance, and when I do not act and move in reality, I internalize, I suppress, and that is a sign of facing a point and remaining within self-dishonesty.

Thus the responsibility point presents itself what I take and work with. The DIP course is invaluable within supporting and I have changed so much in the last couple of years and this blog and overall expansion and stability of mine is in a way already a living proof, yet it’s still a process, thus I keep walking the course and this blog as well.

Within the last years, especially since ended my last, quite hectic and conflicting partnership some years ago, these emotional states became less intense, I must say I was and am much-much more stable and present.

Within the current partnership I am, since quite some months, I am having experiences I never had before, more direct enjoyment, trust, sharing and opening up with myself and ‘my’ lady, and more and more I push myself to become vulnerable, feel more, let go of fear and distrust and be completely open. It is great and eternally grateful I am as step by step learning to live without doubt and fear, sometimes still stumbling but in overall this process is good.

So, in a nutshell, this is in relation to suppressing my emotions and years of walking this process allows me to trust, even when something not so comfortable or nice experience comes, as more and more I have a direct reference of how it is when I am physically here, and that becomes my foundation, where to I return from the storms my self-conditioned mind still sometimes creates.

Today was another of these storms I see now, and in a way I created it, but also it was flooding me at the same time.

The recent experiences I am going through also added to it and accumulated me to intensify certain emotions, which are uncertainty and sadness, loneliness and sorrow.

The main triggering point was that I have finished watching – well, through the last days, today ‘The Leftovers’ TV series. Without spoiling, it is a great show, if someone is interested in the deeper psychology of people, who had great traumas and those still influencing their lives to the point of very sad and insane moments from time to time.
The initial interest in it was not this topic for me, but ‘writer of Lost’ and ‘mystery’ and quality in overall, but through the seasons I found this profound value of the characters change and interaction.

The rhythm, the balance; the artistic expression combined with the great actors performance, the exceptional music – it was very emotional, – within each episode, well composed to have these peak moments, when I just had these tearful moments until the end of the whole season and closure, when I reached this total emptiness and sadness, sorrow and what I associated with it is the reality of each human individual’s constant and consistent exposure to traumatic experiences throughout our entire lives and how much that influences, compromises us, humans to do what could be best for all.

I had very busy months behind, each day, committed to do specific things and that gave me purpose, and looks like my commitment and consistent application soon fruits it’s result in the planned way, however today I was at the point of nothing more to do, yet the outcome is not yet fully manifested, and thus all of a sudden I feel empty, nothing moves me, but I also do not move either.

I know I should, also that I will, but what came was that I want to be in this emptiness, to see what’s still within the depths of me to face who I was, to embrace, to let go and focus to move on.

What did not happen with me since maybe a decade, I skipped hydrating today, usually I am drinking liters of water, and I was not hungry. Thus, I recognized that I am not in sync with my physical, so I fried a pre-made pizza, I ate, still was not hungry, but once started eating, I started to ‘come down’ with this emotional state.

Also chatted with my lady, did not want to share how I feel but we have trust and care, so decided to just concisely express myself and within writing it was another step assisting and supporting to see and recognize what I am experiencing and then become aware of how I have moved today with this whole time line of becoming emotional and started to step out of it. After drinking almost a litre water and still feeling thirsty, I finally recognized that I was kind of ‘out’ for a while and actually supporting my body, then resting more brought back and I was/am able to continue with more present, self-directive and considerate daily living.

I even could relate to some lsd acid trips, it was in a way similar experience, but not in the sense of effects, but the inner storm, ‘death’ and silence and exponentially(first slowly, then more and more directly) awakening.

In overall, I would say this was a long time emotion suppressing reaching it’s threshold to be triggered to need to be discharged and kind of exerting.

What was actually cool about it that I had no doubt that I get to stabilize soon, was no fear or even shame this time, and within crying I felt relief. Well, it was not actual sobbing, like I had in 2014 when after all struggles my ex girlfriend told me she would leave, then I was really crying for about a minute and then I was clear again.

This time was just crying, kind of submitting into the watched drama’s roller coaster, yet it was supporting in a way.

What I see here in this all as I could have done ‘better’ and will do in any case of similar ‘next time’ to anchor myself more to presence, to apply forgiveness WITHIN the storm, to accelerate self-stabilization.

Also I was not entirely certain to share it with my partner, as did not want to seem unstable or sad, but we are both very busy nowadays thus did not communicate much, so I felt better to share than to just stay quiet.

Let’s walk self-forgiveness to open up additional points towards practical solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress emotional experiences with which I can’t deal, control or stop influencing me to become unstable, and never realizing that suppressing means accumulating.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that with what I don’t learn to deal with in self-honesty, will keep controlling me and my life until I stand up and take responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself of what were the actual points, judgements and reactions I kept suppressing recently and thus accumulating to the point of exerting in a way what manifested in being moody, sad and worried and thus not being able to see what I participate within, or even prevent stepping into.

I forgive myself that I have not assisted and supported myself in the exact moment of ANY judgement, reaction or emotion I would manifest within myself with slowing down, re-aligning with physical presence and to be able to look at the point I am about to react to and suppress by believing that I can’t or do not have to deal with this right now, but will do later, or even thinking ‘I hope this will be solved, or my observation and suspicion would turn out to be not true’.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to exactly see the points with what I started to ‘have a relationship with’ as assumption, observation, belief and worry and first of all not solve it within myself, or if it is about to communicate with the person I am experiencing it relation to and I am clear on that I should engage communication with, then to do it in a way what is clear, concise and supportive for finding solution and agreement.

I will continue walking these points…

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Day 280 – Physical symptoms of fear

IMG_9079Continuing with Suppression-Courage points.

This time bringing the physical reactions of anxiety, worry, fear, because many times when facing suppression/fear/courage points, these could be signs/symptoms to be aware of and stop participating as practical awareness support for change.

Well, this might sound weird, but this topic is quite new to me, to explore, trying to word and express these experiences within and as myself, which by itself exactly reinforces me to keep doing it, because how can be that I know so little about what is happening within and as myself, especially of this particular topic, which can influence the whole existence of me?

There are points, things, activities, situations, wherein I can notice this physical and mental, in fact emotional pressure within myself according to resistances and probably not fully realized memory, comparison, judgement, fear and energetic reactions.

It’s kind of thrilling or jittering experience, still observing the actual physical reactions. Isn’t it fascinating that I am not much aware of the human physical body reactions, because I am so much positioned, located and experienced within the mind and it’s kind of ‘interdimensional’ virtual space and time.

There is a type of anxiety, fear which can manifest slight sweating, wet palms, my skin literally feels a bit electric and charged sometimes.

Also there is another kind of physical symptom, which is the breath-suppression, chest pressure, it feels like a weight is pushing me down.

Sometimes energy charges, thunders flutter from my stomach/solar plexus area and prickling through the trunk, spine, my back and sometimes through the neck to the head as well. Sometimes also towards my limbs too.

Another symptom I presume is when I hold my hand/fist into a grip, even when it’s unnecessary – probably I am holding onto of feeling pushed/resisting towards something within my mind in those moments without actually realizing it.

These could be grouped as ‘positive’ signs, and I do name some of the ‘negative’ signs and here I mean that when the positive signs are present, there is some self-dishonest/self-limitation/self-sabotage pattern is being played out, participated within, and the ‘negative’ signs are when I am not aware of these experiences, sensations, physical feelings, indicating that I am not present, but ‘tripping into the mind’.

When I am not aware of the physical breath, the actual state, phase of in-hold-out-hold actions
When I am not active physically or even stopping for a moment and if I am not aware of the blood pressure in my palms, the slight or raised throbbing of my heart
When I am not aware of the gravity, the physical laws creating pressure/resistance against my physical body, for instance when sitting, feeling the pressure on my bottoms, my feet, or when walking, feeling the weight I move with muscles, the pressure on the soil with my sole, etc

When I am not hearing ANY sounds around me – it’s really-really rare to not be any sound/noise present, and also the sound my breath does. It actually does quite a sound, which sometimes can be felt like my mind is auto-filtering it out.
There were also times when I was able to get actually annoyed with the sound of my breathing, when I started to ‘come out’ from the mind for the first time and I realized that this is also similar to that my nose is always within my vision, even if I got used to it so much. In fact it’s pretty interesting design if we think about it, why it had to be in the actual sight? Not that it really matters today here, just wondering…

For a little more than half a year I went to a BodyTime workshop, which is about presence, awareness, direct expression and even with the fact that in my life I often did intense physical activities, such as sports, juggling, dancing, physical work – only realizing how less I am actually aware of this human physical body as who I am actually.

The spiritual agenda is to not identify and superimpose somewhat inferiority to the body in relation to the mind consciousness system – because it’s a systematic representation and manifestation of myself – however if I really look at it with practical common sense, the body is the source of the mind energy, the body is being utilized to generate and store patterns, reactions, even memories, and the mind is somewhat like a software and in fact neither is superior, however it’s a real problem when the mind is the starting point and gains control by a perception of it’s superiority, meanwhile in fact I am existing and manifesting self-separation on levels I am not even aware of.

It’s really worthy for investigation, exploration of what is the mind and what thoughts actually indicate, the words and their actual relationships, and also the very nature of these experiences of thoughts, feelings and emotions.

What words, sentences, memories, experiences, interpretations, perceptions do trigger anxiety, resistance, fear and why?

I do not mean to be mean to spiritual people but no matter what apparent mystical or non-mystical method they do, eventually this is where the real problem and thus the solution can be revealed: my version of reality and how and why I am stuck within it? This is crucial to understand and prepare for stopping it by identifying the trigger and source points of such reactions, many times also being indicated by those physical experiences I started to word down, identify and thus be more aware of.

This is why I prepare and dig deeper for further understanding with Self-forgiveness about this.

But before that, I support myself with the related EQAFE audio-book amazing library. This site is crucial to understand how the mind, the physical, the nature of existence and actual details of creation works. Sounds like I am inflating, but actually not. It is highly recommended to listen interviews, there are MANY for free and the ones for price are for the living costs for those who are dedicated to constantly creating and uploading more supportive content each week.
For the price of a beer one can get support on desire, phobia, business, suppression, anger, doubt and so much more.

Here I reference some related interviews about Suppression, physical reactions:
Denial: Courage to Change
Denial: Denial to Self Honesty
Denial: Courage & Self Honesty

The Emotional and Feeling Body System and Physical Energy-Alignments

I am grateful for EQAFE and the creators of it as contains so much practical knowledge and understanding about life, the mind and many more!