Day 307 – Anxiety/excitement separation

img_9036An interesting point opened up – I was about to go to a place with someone and I had this experience of anxiety and excitement at the same time. It was not even certain if it’s positive or negative, I guess it was neither and both at the same time. However it was not direct and directed by me, and I could not really just say stop, so started to look at what’s this
A 2 minute video about the experience:

When I experience and live through my mind, it’s a separation, not I am directing, not I am creating, not I am actually experiencing directly, but I deal with everything through my mind’s ‘interface’.

It’s a typical system within the mind – my mind: certainly – two parts of the opposite polarities, conflicting about it within, making me look inside, not the actual cause, but the consequence, the reactions, the experience.

So as I am excited with anticipation and anxious with worry at the same time and I am still drained towards the event/experience – and by actually doing so, realizing that it’s not about the place, not about the person I go with, but with my own mind-setup and reactions being triggered.

Even pretending to not being aware what I am doing – certainly yes – denying, procrastinating, distracting – to say no at a situation and to say yes in another – while even having the slightest doubt – resulting with emerging emotions and feelings rendering me actual dumb, in the sense of all self-trust, confidence and integrity I can ruin in a second – within me – in relation to myself – and from that point I am exposed to all of my still unresolved self-dishonesty. Secret desire – which I did not even admit to myself yet? Denied resistance, what I should take responsibility for to embrace?

Important to realize that within the path to absolute self-honesty – any mistake might seem as absolute self-dishonesty – so it’s to discipline, re-align and not to judge myself.

But if I rely to not push to my utmost potentials, just because ‘I will not judge myself’ – that’s again undermining self-trust and self-direction – resulting to wallow into more self-dishonesty deliberately, until I will stand up.

So it’s not just to realize that I am one with this experience, or I am equal with it – but if I am not one and equal with and as ‘it’, which means being aware of if to it’s utmost specificity, being able to direct it as myself – then that means I am not one and equal with it, thus existing within self-separation. That’s then another starting point and perspective to start investigate from.

My current point of anxiety/excitement originates from secret desires and resistances not being honest to myself about and then both being triggered, I am creating this friction within, which, even if it’s not cool experience, I don’t stop.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have a tendency to create friction within my mind by reacting to different things with different polarity extremes, like being excited and anxious about it at the same time and not realizing that desire and resistance I face at the same time and thus accepting to remain within self-separation, conflict without being able to remain directive, inner silent and to apply practical common sense.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that my excitement is also a form of fear, anxiety, as based on judgments, imagination, desire, definitions, polarity and energetic experiences, and within that form of expression, I am not trusting myself to directly face, experience, live and be in this event, situation, but to create anticipation and preconditioning in my mind and then with that already create an experience, strong enough to be influenced by, stimulated with, even when the actual event/situation/experience is here, thus actually living in the past, not allowing myself to fully embrace the moment – due to a lack of self-trust, which I do not want to admit, face, forgive and stop for a reason I am also not admitting.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am not aware of the self-dishonesty, distracting, conflicting mind-experiences, points I face, and within that trying to prove to myself why I am not powerful, responsible, capable, actually: willing to be able to stop and change and within that not realizing that try – actually exposing myself that it’s self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that whenever anxiety and excitement kicks in – I am being moved by my past, my judgments, and if I do not become aware fully of all of it’s(my) patterns, I will participate again, thus re-creating the past, stop changing, expanding, living.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can apply common sense of whenever I experience excitement to the degree of overwhelming me, or an anxiety, which also overwhelms me, or I can’t just stop, even if it should be practical – so that means if I can’t stop, when I want to – that means I have a problem, a conflict, a point to open up, understand, forgive and become aware of how to really stop it and give myself a chance to face and live experiences/events/situations without any emotion/feeling but to live the words.

Not to focus or seek the experience of joy, but to express and live, share and be the word enjoyment.

Quite a difference.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I have the experience of excitement AND anxiety at the same time, I have conflict within me which I do not understand, or never really looked to fully understand, and thus it’s influencing me the way which is not supporting me to be present, directive, to live words without positive or negative connotations.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that whenever I am excited to the point of overwhelming and when seeing within me that there is subject and object, it means am not directly living the word excitement, but through my mind, based on polarity, definitions, separation, thus it’s not the possibly fullest potential of me.

I forgive myself that I have not understood why it’s my fullest potential to experience, live and be without my mind’s definitions, reactions, polarity and believing that emotions and feelings are key to feel, and express myself, meanwhile those are actually limited consequences of my self-defined mind-experiences, based on another experiences I had before.

When and as I experience overwhelming excitement and/or anxiety – I slow down – I breathe, I let everything go and to see if I can stop it, as myself, as equal as one – breathe in, stop, breathe out – continue stopping, not going anywhere in my mind, but be present, stopping, being here.

When and as I can’t stop an anxiety/excitement within myself, I start to apply self-forgiveness written/and-or aloud, to find out what’s I am still separated from within my current awareness, which thus I cannot embrace, become equal and one to be able to stop – and within that finding, also understanding why it happened, how.

When and as I experience resistance/denial/excuse why not to explore to the utmost specificity an anxiety, an excitement, I realize that it’s fear – which as I give into will grow, while my self-trust reduces, thus I have to make a stand and push through the resistance – and if it’s not doable, then focus to the resistance itself, word it, work with it, until it’s walkable through, then continue to work with the excitement/anxiety.

Stopping the mind is not a new thing – this concept exists quite some time – eastern and western cultures, education, documents, scriptures often mention it, but it should not be tainted with anything of belief.
It should be practical common sense, no magic, no rituals, no belief whatsoever.

The human mind consciousness is not magic and it seems to be beyond human comprehension, it’s because of self-dishonesty. That should be re-mediated first and then the door will be open real understanding without being biased with our own personal agenda and past.

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