Day 322 – Leadership opening up

IMG_1679Last time I was writing about being awkward. If I look beyond that self-limitation, there are a lot of points what I was suppressing as well.
Let’s look one particular point what started to open recently.

I was listening three of amazing EQAFE support interviews in regarding to Leadership

(links at the end of this post).

I’ve been circling around this word since a while and within my DIP PRO course assignment also pops up from time to time and the more I become honest with myself, this is an aspect of me, seeing the potential on how to expand with it, but it is also becoming clear that there is much work to do in order to birth that potential into life.

Thus, walking some memories, decomposing some constructs of my own relationship and personality of the word and it’s meaning of LEADER and LEADERSHIP.

Right away, there has always been a controversy of two opposite opinions about this within me: since my childhood, all I ever wanted is to have more power, possibilities and freedom, while on the other hand I have been accumulated so much willingness and desire to directly lack, deny and escape responsibility.

After many years, here I am and already realized that responsibility is the only way which through I can be really free of my self-limitation and powerlessness, thus since a while I specifically aim parts of my life wherein I am directing myself to open up and realize: where I am still not taking responsibility for myself and then(or at the same time) the world as well.

So I start with walking Self-forgiveness immediately, instead of sharing a lot of memories, because that is not really required here to start to see, as this point I have focusing to since a while in reflection to things happening in my personal, interpersonal and global life events, so I just directly apply practical understanding through actually taking responsibility with seeing what I have not yet acknowledged, but in a way, in the background, I have always known.

Self-forgiveness

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire leadership, to become a leader and not being honest with myself to see that this desire is fueled by my own powerlessness, insecurity and wanting to compensate values, aspects, abilities and personality traits of others, who I defined as more than who I perceive myself to be.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want power and efficiency, but not wanting to take responsibility for who I am, for the reactions, thoughts, feelings and emotions are happening within me, overwhelming, distracting, dis-empowering me, but directly wanting to exert power into the world, because then others would see how powerful I am and based on their reactions, I would feel myself more powerful.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself to see/realize/understand that I want to seem as powerful in order to be judged as powerful, so then based on judgements, starting to believe that indeed I am powerful.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the polarity-energy play within myself as wanting to experience ‘positive‘ judgments about me in relation to leadership and power to COMPENSATE the already existing ‘negative‘ judgments/beliefs/self-definitions within me and not realizing the common sense to stop/remove the ‘negative’ directly with self-honesty and self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-commitments to change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve defined people in leading positions as something I could be good at without actually understanding what they do, what qualities they live and how.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that leader, as the word itself explains itself, meaning that the one, who leads the way, which mostly means to initiate, to move first, without anything or anyone outside of themselves and that requires self-trust, self-knowledge and self-dedication, which I never considered to see it as actual qualities I can learn, but as being not my type, not my personality, not my way and not realizing that these are simply excuses and justifications of why I should give into the resistance to face and change my personality if I do really want to be a leader.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that my initial desire to become leader comes from the realization that I allow myself to be leaded by forces outside of me, even when I do not want, I do realize that it’s not supporting me, thus to compensate/fight that powerlessness, started to grow a desire for power and leadership.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that ANY leadership starts with self, self-leadership and to deal with myself, my inner representation, my mind, my personality, my ‘demons’, so to speak, the patterns what constitute the chance to compromise my stand, to doubt myself, to give into resistances, to not want to change, initiate, move.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that my resistance towards leading, leading systems, others is the manifestation of the resistance to lead myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that until self-leadership will not spread and become a living expression of all individuals, there always will be leaders, which means master and slave relationship.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that leading is not about the power as it is mostly given, and if one does not live with that given power well, it might or will be taken away – even if it’s about self-leadership and self-given power – any doubt, resistance, fear can compromise that power.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to take responsibility for what and who I am and within that to realize that I can change if I decide so, and the very fact that I am not changing is the indication and proof of that I am not taking responsibility and thus accepting my limitations to direct me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy leaders around me by what I perceived as having access to power and thus wanting to be leader and only looking what they have but not questioning the process they actually became leaders with what qualities and actions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only thing stops me from being leader is the self-sabotage of not leading myself first.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not yet ready to become a leader and within that not seeing what actual justifications I hold onto, what makes that belief within me.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the postponement of actually walking the path of a leader is the belief that first I have to become perfect, then once I am ‘ready’, then I will lead and within that not realizing that there is no perfection without making mistakes first and the ability to admit and change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized, named and worded the actual excuses and justifications I am holding onto for not taking responsibility to lead myself, to initiate movement and change within myself and the world as equal as one in a consistent practical application.

Conclusion

So, this should do as a start, at the end the realization came to the surface that I actually have to list up the points I perceive as blocking me to lead myself effectively.

I start with a brief list here and I will continue in the next post with this fascinating topic.

  • The belief that once I become a leader, I will have less time for entertainment and to actually do what I like, such as learning, investigating, discovering.
  • The belief that first I have to face all my demons to not get into any possible compromising situation ‘out there’ in the world.
  • The belief that I am not stable and consistent enough
  • The belief that my communication skills are not yet effective enough
    The belief that I am not yet walking a supportive, enjoyable and stable partnership with someone first
  • The belief that I have to remain somewhat alone and secluded in order to become someone who will not compromise leadership and responsibility first versus personal interest, such as relationship and family and it’s a friction within between wanting partnership, but only if it’s not compromising my ‘plans’ and having the belief that I should not care about such details, but only focus to my ‘plans’
  • The belief that I am not direct, in a way ruthless or impersonal enough and being vulnerable for people to be able to influence me with their social skills, beauty or my insecurities

These are just a few and some of them are already seem ridiculous for me at the moment I write them down, so at first sight they do not seem relevant or real problematic, but still: came up, thus worth writing down and to see what is behind that particular belief.

Just like with fears and phobias – many people hold onto so many kinds of fears without even being aware of how ridiculous it might seem if the person would actually take the effort to write it down to see in front of them.

A point I see worth mentioning in regarding to fear:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from jumping into action in regarding to leadership, which is the fear of making so big mistakes that would manifest irreversible consequences, what could sabotage my intention, direction towards leadership.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I focus to the fear and it’s resonance, I do not look at the point I fear manifesting, I do not see if it’s realistic, what I can do to prevent it, but I spend time to not move, not act, but only react within.

And the last should be this:

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within seeing the initiative to become leader, but not actually specifying of what kind of leader within what ‘field’ I want to lead, initiate, move change, thus it’s all abstract, undefined, un-graspable, which is to protect my level of involvement with leadership, which is only self-stimulation, not actual reality-walking and manifesting.

This is greatly challenging and recommended everyone to walk as can reveal so many points of self-dishonesty to work with and being able to face, understand and stop.

These are the awesome EQAFE interviews about leadership I’ve mentioned and support me and others greatly:

https://eqafe.com/p/what-is-leadership-to-you-the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-103

https://eqafe.com/p/what-is-blocking-the-leader-within-you-the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-104
https://eqafe.com/p/the-birth-of-a-leader-begins-with-self-the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-105

And a personal blog post from Marlen to look Leadership as well, suggested to read:

https://marlenvargasdelrazo.wordpress.com/2017/04/13/557-self-leadership-and-the-message-of-jesus/

Day 317 – Controversial topics

controvThese are what they are, with the centralized mass-media, the unofficial and controversial information sources have been spread.

What is true, what is fake? This is now every day’s conversation. The information-era is at it’s perils.

It’s interesting to see that everyone has beliefs, opinions, judgements, and if anyone does not have, share, to persuade or trying to protect those, or does not care, then they are also being judged by others as sheep or blind followers of the enslavement system.
But the interesting part is that those who are quiet, it’s not that they do not have beliefs, opinions, judgements, but on top of those beliefs, they have a specific set of convictions about why they should not share and care to enter into this meme-war of consciousness of what’s right or true or real.

Because from a point, it literally becomes war, not only in the people’s minds, but on the actual fields and seas, sons of mothers go against each other, just because they have the belief of this is why is worthy to kill and die for. Pure insanity.

That’s why the internal conflicts, battles, frictions within our own mind never should be underestimated, because that is exactly what accepts and justifies external conflicts and wars, destruction and abuse in the world too.

An example: “I hate that I was so shy with this girl, I have missed the opportunity to ask her out, I am so fool, I HATE when I am like this.”

In this example I am actually being distracted with the emotional energy coming from the negative self-judgement, not focusing to the possible actual solution – to ask, why I was shy and coward and not stopping with that answer of :”Because it’s risky, I can screw this up and then I am done, she would never consider me as a potential partner.”
Then, to be able to see beyond this excuse is crucial: to see that I am afraid to lose something I give value to so much that actually I am being distracted and handicapped while doing it by the overwhelming vivid imagination of me failing in this, with her.

The willingness and actual, practical ability to be self-honest is the most important thing in life, I am certain, because without it, I am lost, untrustworthy and being exposed to the elements of all experiences, conditions in the world without being able to really understand, to change within.
Blame, projection, anger pointed to others, the world is being accepted and allowed as a hellhole for the majority, meanwhile if I would be honest to myself, I could directly see by approaching the levels of self-deception to discover how and why exactly I am responsible for what I experience, for what I conclude, for what I accept and allow and also for what I do.

So, here comes in the point of controversial topics, because it is also now all over the world, so many crazy ideas about what happened here and there, what is going on or how things do really work.

Controversial topics are actually cool, because within that I can have a reflection of who I am, what do I accept according to peer pressure of social acceptance and what is commonly believed to be true, what is actually proven, what I can prove for myself and what I have to actually walk through, work on and find out myself to be able to decide of whether it is real or made up.
And within that to also see how relevant the point is in my life, my neighbors life, all life’s perspective currently and in the long term as well.

In the current bank-debt-funded predatory capitalist system, where profit, revenue and income is the most important factor within pursuing safety, health and enjoyment, it is also an opportunity to deceive others for it.

And often, even the apparently ‘innocent’ ones are also causing irreversible and horrible consequences.
To persuade someone for a face creme to prevent aging for women might not seem as damaging, but if we can realize how exactly it’s being made, that it’s being tested on animals, if it’s factory keeping workers on sweatshop/slave level, if to see that the CEO of the 10.000 personnel company earns 10 percent of all the revenue, then I might consider that it’s not the best it could be.

I guess, it’s not that controversial as can be, let’s pick another one: vaccinations.
It’s also a heated discussion between parents, especially who had bad or horrible consequences by using these, often even compulsory treatments for children. Here and there some scientist appears trying to prove correlation between brain dysfunction and poisonous ingredients of vaccinations, then often people are being ridiculed when starting to question the authority, the corporations, the government.

As long as it’s a capitalist profit-oriented, revenue-hungry corporation funds, fabricates, persuades and sells these vaccinations, it is obviously questionable and when the whole process is not shared and being 100% transparent to the consumers, then it’s natural to want to know more about it, to see more research results.

There might be some really scary dark conspiracies in the background, but to gossipmonger all over – it’s bad and does not support any possible solution.

Mostly there is simple explanation: the fear relating to not survive in capitalism, greed; the never ending conquest for more and more profit drives people over common sense, beyond compassion and under dignity to the mind-state of superiority, justifying with principles like ‘survival of the fittest’, but those individuals are totally incapable of being self-honest to question their belief systems, to answer their self-dishonesty, thus not only becoming lost within their own realm of consciousness, but causing massive amount of abuse in the real world, what is being shared with everyone else.

Poisoning natural water sources, covering it up, marketing sickening products without warning, bribing their way out of it, fabricating casus belli and driving whole countries to war: it’s every day’s reality and anyone who accepts and justifies it with sentences like ‘This is us, human nature’, they are also part of the problem, not only the person who gives the orders to execute those atrocities every day.

I also have been ridiculed many times when bringing up a controversial topic, just because the TV does say that it’s conspiracy theory, because some things, if those would be really real, people would have to realize that their own version of reality is a delusion, which is difficult to give up, because that means they have invested maybe even decades into something what was almost completely a waste of time.

I do not think there is real evil, which would fight good and want to destroy, like in the tales – that’s existing only in the mind, polarity – a symbol of our own separation for LIFE itself, because there is no good without bad, no matter how GOOD I become, there will always will be BAD, because it’s all relative, make-belief. To balance out positivity taking all over, which would be also totally impractical, negativity appears. What we see in the world, it always reflects back to our own mind and vice versa.

That’s why it’s imperative to have a willingness and actual ability to investigate and sort out my own beliefs, judgements, delusions, because that is how I really discover myself and the world, that’s how I decide what’s real and what is bullshit.

We like it or not, there are a LOT of things humans in general do not yet comprehend in this world.

Remnants of ancient civilizations – total mystery, people have ideas and beliefs about what happened, but there are so many – and most people ignore these, because there is no ‘mainstream opinion/proof’, so until that it’s just controversial. Someone else to figure it out. Or based on some interest, promote something, what’s maybe real.

How much those things are really relevant in my own individual life, process of self-honesty? That’s the practical question one has to answer as well.

Or the flat-earthers, they are consistently sharing these articles and videos to prove why the earth is flat, the sun is very close and they are obviously pissed off that nobody believes them, they feel cheated, lied to and humiliated with the world, the system, the government, science, because they feel they know the truth and most people don’t or don’t care. How much that is relevant?
Unless I am working with satellites, weather, or within the hello: ‘space’ industry; how much of my every day life is influenced by the possibility that earth is not a sphere-like space rock, but something else?

I had my own crusades about several of so called controversial topics, according to drugs and spirituality, because when one day I’ve realized that how I lived, what to I’ve built my experiences, culture and personality – it was based on self-deception, thus I had to let it go. For some it’s more difficult to give up, to acknowledge that ‘I was wrong’. For me it is no problem if I was wrong, but right now to be wrong with the knowledge that it might not be real, relevant or common sense, that would be more self-dishonest than to just change.

When with desteni support I was able to figure out myself of how I was deceiving myself with the spirituality and drugs, I’ve felt compelled to expose all the gurus and masters, anything relating to mantras and chakras as total distraction.

Because it did not work for me.
Because I’ve realized that my starting point with them was self-dishonest, therefore I assumed that anyone and everyone participating within spirituality are equally self-deceivers by default.

Maybe not, maybe yes, I do not know that for certain, but the methods, the symbolism: for me it’s obvious how and why it’s flawed, I understand it now, I can word and explain it, I can see the points where I’ve recouped it with hopes, beliefs – therefore I am not interested in participating in these things at all. Also I have responsibility to share my realizations, because that might support others too realize the same mistakes I’ve made.

And it’s quite tricky, because if someone repeats mantras for hours, of course it will have an effect, accumulating energy, expectation, the sound vibration, the set and setting becomes also relevant. But it’s like trying to have a medical operation of my eyes through my bottom(from the silly movie parody called Hot Shots, they call it multiopiloptomy).
Especially tricky if I do not understand how my mind’s energy-house-holding works – I might just feed my mind with energy to be able to balance shit out and I feel more calm, but under the carpet, still the same, I do not have to radically change, to face my self-dishonesties directly, for instance addictions, not taking responsibility, being untrustworthy for myself and my partner or my boss, to make actual difference in the world, no, I just have to repeat 111.111 mantras and it will have effect, good karma and while doing it I will have insights.
For me this is now not direct and honest enough.

I’d rather ask myself and answer directly about things, points, problems, solutions. No need for magical vibrations, I have voice, I have words already. That I am here to live.

When I go to a shop, I don’t use mantra to get food, I use words. When I communicate with my partner on solving a conflict, I use words again, and if I want to stand out in front of the crowd to share support on how to transcend the mind, again and eventually always: I use words. So why not work with that directly? Common sense.

When I actually do something, I do it with my human physical body, so it’s also common sense to make it home, my starting point, my temple, my presence – without allowing interference from my mind of fear, of overwhelming and distracting emotions, regardless of positive or negative, which is just relative to my own interest, even if it’s projected onto something or someone, it’s still MY interest. But who I am is not just me, but equally is in the rest too. So it’s also common sense to consider all participants of the given system as equals, thus manifesting what is best for all. But it’s going to be damn difficult if I rely to spiritual practices and energetic experiences to ground myself and become consistent and constant within my direction and presence. Rather write down the words, investigate the words, let go of not supporting definitions, associations of words, re-define words and live them directly, so then no need to doubt, fear, complicate or judge, just directly live.

Maybe there was a time in world history when chakras and these spiritual things did have more effect on reality, the minds, but nowadays it’s just through the mind consciousness system, people’s beliefs, convictions, self-persuasions.

That is what I have investigated, tested, realized, lived. But I would not want to persuade anyone that I am right or others are not. Time will tell everything. Manifested consequences too. As Bernard Poolman stated:

There is no such thing as truth, only denial of what is here.

I went into more details with this point to share that how I take on practical approach with common sense on a point, instead of feelings and reactions. But the same principle can be applied to other controversial – or in fact any kind of topic.

I only can share as much as I can about my process, what I have experienced, seen, realized and why – then if anyone has better angle, then share it with me, I am absolutely open for re-evaluating my entire life. And everyone should be.

Another controversial topic to reflect back on self-leadership – writing some details so some conspiring dudes or dudettes can relate with: Investigating 9/11 was an inside job or it’s a hoax, was there aeroplane hijacking or planned demolition, temperature of the airplane fuel versus the melting point of reinforced steel or mossad agents versus found saudi passports – those the points people can argue about and it’s never ending. What that actually would imply about ‘our own’ – in fact USA – government is terrifying about how far leadership can justify to go in order to follow their agenda, to keep balance of their insanely unbalanced budget, the mysterious disappearance of massive amount of money. The downstream total destruction of an other country, accusations of weapons of mass destructions, oil industry, weapon industry, drug industry, media industry, we like it or not, these questions are maybe relevant.

And if I investigate from SELF – I can ask – why is there leadership, why there are people not wanting to be responsible, why need control, anarchy, war or peace, what those actually mean versus what I think or feel about.
How am I not living my potential, not living LEADERSHIP as I could be, how I am following, obeying, expecting and accepting instead of initiating, directing, planning, anticipating, moving? That is where I should start, not blaming the president or the banks. If I do not like it, I should show a better way, I should be part of the solution, I should join politics then and change by living as an example of my definition of good. That’s self-honest. That is the way forward. Not protesting and burning cars on street, whistling at public speeches or trolling and cursing online. Anyone does that – stating the obvious – they accept their powerlessness. But it’s still way to change, starting self here:

What’s relevant here for me in my real life is to reflect these kind of events back to self:

What is terror in my own life, how am I terrorizing myself, my environment and family, what is my own mind-authority and how and when and why it steps in to simply overrule another initiative within me, for instance having an idea about helping that weak man on the road, but then I would think, “What my cool and rich friends would think of me, and anyway I might become dirty while helping him, and he is maybe stinky as well, and anyway, he already survived up to this day, he will be fine, I do not have change, only using credit card”.

Not saying that to give some coins would actually make the world to a better place, but if I have these inner dialogues/frictions, that’s also my responsibility to unify myself about, not accepting any conflict of opposing interests.
It is maybe difficult to have absolute clarity about something, but this should not mean we just give it up – but then I have to be able to change, when I see that I was wrong.

And once I am able to see through my own internal battles, when I am not going into emotional war within when being triggered with a more intense experience, news, condition, but I can stand within clarity, being able to question everything I think, feel, say and do, then I am becoming able to stop self-dishonest patterns I discover, then I can also stop acting/living out those self-dishonesties and change becomes reality.

But if I have these emotional storms, reactions, anger, jealousy, fear, insecurity issues WHILE full blown ‘investigating’ these controversial topics, I might just find what I want to be found, I might bend the information to my own distorted perception.

Instead of judging wars in the world and get emotional, angry or sad, to ask myself – how I am waging war within myself in the first place? What do I resist, fight, want to win, dominate, eradicate, exterminate within with force?
That’s why SELF process is first, not because selfishness is the way – it’s the exact opposite actually. I take responsibility and it can only start with self, otherwise anything else I try to accomplish will be biased with the already accepted and allowed self-dishonesty within.

Self-forgiveness is an awesome self-supporting tool, which is simple, direct and free process to apply.

It encourages to become detail-oriented, by writing/typing it, I slow down, thus emotions do not tend to overwhelm that quickly.
Also supports with humility, to see, that in a simple conversation how many self-dishonesty I can accept, so then I understand that it’s pointless to blame anyone, but to ensure first that I stand within clarity and no influence of any fear, blame or anger.

I dare to give myself a chance, and many state that it’s not their way, style, method – I also never would have thought that this is what I am going to apply for years – this can be more tough sometimes, when realizing some nasty shit within me I covered up with excuses and thus failing with something constantly, but that’s also an indication that I am walking through resistances, limitations.

Also I’ve shouted wolf so many times about what’s real, what’s the solution, the source of best coolness in the world with various methods, groups, techniques, but Self-forgiveness is the most awesome and effective awareness tool I’ve ever encountered and this is what I stand for since almost ten years and still so much to learn and unlearn, discover and change.

At EQAFE, I was able to listen through a LOT of controversial topics, as its being explained in a style, which is like just listening to someone sitting near to me and it’s mind-blowing and also liberating, not only to understand things I always wanted to know, but when I try to apply those supporting points I’ve heard, no matter the topic, I can.

Thus I strongly recommend to check out EQAFE for a new type of library of understanding. https://eqafe.com

For trying out, understanding Self-forgiveness, the mind, consciousness, thoughts, emotions, and how to deal with those and take responsibility for: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 298 – EQAFE Fears and Phobias of car accidents: my experience

full_car-crash-fears-phobiasToday I’d like to talk about overcoming fears and phobias. Specifically how I found support in relation to a specific topic I always resisted and suppressed: cars and driving.

I did my driving license about 3 years ago and it was quite late, I was around 33 years old back then, but the lack of driving started to really become such a limiting factor in my life, so I’ve re-evaluated this huge resistance and decided to open it up and walk through.

I have chosen a second profession which requires to carry heavy and expensive equipment and on one rainy night, when carried quite a lot hi-tech gear in my backpack, I’ve realized that this is when I am limited by not driving a car and if I want to get serious and more ‘free of conditions’ so to speak, I have to overcome this resistance.
Also, often I had to wait for my car driver friends to appear, get ready to give me a ride and when they were not exactly reliable within what they said about when we would start or arrive, I was quite frustrated and then I had to realize that I cannot blame them for who they are, but only myself for still fighting for my limitation by resisting to learn driving.

I also kept noticing that most of the adult people has no problem with at all, even old and slow ladies or dudes, completely the opposite of being sporty or agile people also driving cars within the bulkiest city traffic and that made me realize that this is a phobia for me now, not just a tiny resistance and personal dislike. Thus, not just I have to learn new skills, but also un-learn a lot of patterns.

I was familiar with the principles of as within is without as well, give as I would like to receive, equality and oneness and self-support tools, such as the DesteniIProcess online course and EQAFE.com audio books.
At EQAFE, I have found the

Fears and Phobias series,

what goes through how fears and phobias work in the human mind and what is the practical way to open up and start working on letting go these patterns within one’s life actually.

There are several one individual interviews specifically about fears and phobias about car accidents, which was exactly what I was looking for.

My own personal resistance was multi-layered, and when someone has a very strong resistance or a fear/phobia about one thing, there are often multiple dimensions and angle of perceptions with one can justify the acceptance of that belief, the opinion and conviction to accept the fear as logical strategy, which then becomes the self-limitation.

  • One of my dimensions was that I grew up as being dirt-poor and not being able to afford a car previously and it seemed like quite excessive how many money one has to spend to own and maintain a car.
  • Another point was that I never liked the stench and smog they create, how polluting many of the car parts are and the noise they make is also extensive, which I never wanted to be responsible for.
  • Also there was one time when I was kid, a car driver was not aware enough and me, as a pedestrian, ended up on his car’s hood and although I had no injury, it was kind of scary. I realized then that car can kill if the driver is not capable of ‘taming’ the machine beast.
  • There were another occasions when I or one of my friends were almost hit by a car when walking through the cross walk and that seemed like an every day possibility, which frightened me as such a responsibility to have.

How I chosen to live my early adulthood life was quite irresponsible and pretty much auto-daydreaming all day and at some of my clearest moments I realized that I am rarely present, thus to be constantly here is not just extremely difficult for me, but I even justified it that I do not even want that.

It’s like when I break in so to speak into a self-justified self-limitation and start to identify myself with, protect it and then as months, years pass, its really difficult to be honest with myself and acknowledge that this is self-delusion and start liberating myself.
That’s why I had the excuse well protected for so long, that I should not drive, I am incapable of becoming that responsible and present and anyway, “it’s not my style”.

So, with patterns I’ve mentioned that I’ve identified myself with totally and thus I’ve became what I judged about myself and although these were only parts of my experiences during specific periods of my lifetime, I’ve added these one after another to the personality description of ‘who I am’ and I kept justifying them with the result of becoming more and more judgmental about cars and also self-limited and thus resulting to definitely not wanting to make drivers licence and have a car.

I have no problem to discover a mistake within myself or a delusion to be aware of, because I’d rather lose the experience of ‘ignorance & bliss’ but to wake up to the most possible reality, even if it means to face the most fearful thing – the unknown within change.

I’ve been facing, understanding, forgiving and letting go another fears and convictions with DesteniIProcess course and community already, such as spiritual beliefs, abdication of responsibility for my suppression and anger toward myself, addiction to weed, sugar, sex, ‘trance states’, fear from taking responsibility, resisting to open up and communicate within vulnerability or within partnership, thus I was aware of that I can change myself if I really dedicate and invest time and effort for really understanding the building blocks of a mind-pattern, the word relationships I exist within, so listened the EQAFE – Fears and Phobias interviews multiple times, I made notes, and I decided to use what was suggested on how to decompose these patterns in relation to fear from cars, driving cars.

In the beginning it was quite challenging, and then I started a driving school, first with theory, the traffic rules, then first aid course, and finally, when I passed the test on the traffic rules, I started to drive a Suzuki with an instructor. That was quite scary at first, I had resistance every time I walked out of my door towards the driving place at the other part of the city, but I knew that with each step I take, each minute I drive, I accumulate the will and direction and actual practical, physical skill to un-learn this resistance and fear.

At the same time I was writing self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements, self-commitments to align myself with what I do change, how I should be aware of the patterns before reacting to them and how to focus to what is relevant, here, driving, the car, the traffic and start trusting myself.

Many times I had to go real specifics, such as ‘fear of hitting a mother with baby cart’ and then to decompose that and if I actually get reacted to fear all the time, I do not direct myself to PREVENT that happening by driving safely. So in this sense – fear actually blocks me to prevent myself manifesting that fear. Or fear from breaking the car, or fear from having no fuel in the car so then I’d be stuck. Fear from not having money to tow it away if it breaks, fear from falling asleep while driving, fear from somebody from the another lane would just hit me, fear from a truck straying to ‘my’ lane, etc, etc – all fears I open up and before reacting to see – what I can do to prevent that kind of accident – and then become aware of the trigger point, and giving myself a ‘second chance’ to not react, to not go into fear, but into action, active prevention and step by step, removing this halo of ‘bad’ association and to actually allow myself to learn driving, to learn skills to prevent accidents. And with driving – it’s also part of the package that sometimes regardless of what I do – somebody else still can make mistake and then I will be just part of that – and I can only guarantee to a point of safety, and from there – I am basically exposed to the elements. But still – often it’s a half second what one needs to assess the hazard and act responsibly, thus mostly it’s about to be able to be present consistently. Thus mostly my challenge was to debunk that idea of myself that I can’t be here constantly. It’s still a process I walk through, and with driving is that most of the time one does not need extra sharp skills to apply while driving, but at hazardous moments definitely!

Thus I learned driving, I was so anxious at first, but the skill, the self-trust have accumulated day by day.

It was more than a half year actually, but when I was ready, I passed my driving exam at first try and then soon I was driving my first car! Actually it was bought together with a friend, who also needed one and thus it was not so intimidating for me at first as he was also supporting me about how to maintain the car, how to drive not just around the tutorial routes, but anywhere, anytime.

Sure, I made mistakes, scratched the car here and there, sometimes turned into the opposite lane at some corners at night time, was uncertain at specific situations on who should go first, but at a certain point I was ready. I moved out from the city and I had to(and since then still) drive every day to go to work and that was my decision to have the opportunity to drive a lot, through the most crazy traffic ever possible in Budapest, and so I did. Later I sold my half ownership of the car to my friend and bought my own car, which is an awesome ride and I drove more than 20.000 km with it already at all kinds of roads, conditions, situations and combinations. I am still learning every day something new, but no fear is blocking it now, yet I do not take unnecessary risks and do all I can to ensure safety.

It is indeed a stinky, loud and quite environment-unfriendly ride, but as the industry develops, it’s not too far that there will be less and less polluting cars soon, and although self-driving cars are also emerging pretty soon, I still see effective and reliable driving as a quite important skill to have to be able to move and express, connect and share within this world.

Furthermore, for those who are often busy within their mind, or coming down from drugs or being disorganized, preoccupied – learning to drive is a therapy and I am not kidding, even my instructor, who teaches it since 25 years told me that and he was absolutely supportive with me.

I do not drink or take drugs anymore, ever, so being constantly sober is also a virtue I enjoy, especially when about to drive, no matter how late, how great party I find myself at(for instance I often go to extremely intense hi-tech trance parties, where people often are high or drunk), from the craziest moment, I just take a breath and sit into the car and drive by being present, vigilant and responsible. That is a gift I thank for EQAFE and myself equally.

There are dozens of fear and phobia topics within that series, such as diseases, Armageddon, loneliness, not being good enough, fear of flying, being cheated, fear of pain, etc.

There is a way to stop accepting fear and phobias, but one has to study the mind, the nature of the fear, to dare to dig up some old memories, understand the dynamics of one’s mind reactions and then to apply the process to accumulate self-direction and practical change.

I did it by walking through each of the dimensions I’ve mentioned before (the money point, the pollution point, the fear of hitting someone, the fear of not being able to be present constantly and other points came up during this) and applied writing, self-forgiveness(because I give for myself a new chance by recognizing my responsibility within the very(finding exact words) specific fear/resistance), self-corrective statements(to structure and support my practical change with remembering what should I do at critical moments, such as breathe, relax and look around, apply common sense and go) and also committing myself to live my decision to stop the fear, to start expanding and actually practically changing.

Whatever the fear is I see – I forgive myself for accepting and allowing that fear without questioning how it came, what was the trigger point, what memory I associate with it, what words, emotions, thoughts I experience, what is the reason I still accept it, etc – going into the specifics helps with recognizing and understanding the point.

And the next moment I find myself in that situation, when I see the trigger point I already recognized, already written down and understood where that can lead me if I react the same way – and there is this change I can create by having a choice to not participate. Or even I only want to not participate in the fearful thought, emotion, but I still feel compelled to get into the fear.
That is where it starts to get more specific, real, and in fact leads to the real understanding of who I am, who I allowed myself to become and the more I accept the self-dishonesty(because I see now, I could stop it), the more I will feel responsible and I eventually I have to make a stand and not give into it, regardless of I have no idea what I will do, react if not the usual fear. I will figure out. I even can create a new reaction, direction of me in that situation what I could see as supportive. And then I test it out. And then if I’d see a better way, I’d change accordingly.

Direct, Self-change is what makes us aware, not when being changed by external conditions – that’s preprogramming.

So, I drive – naturally, and I have not yet tested many kinds of cars yet, only about a half dozen, but seems like I can drive them just alright as mine after a while, so I can say that I can drive a car now, which might not seem as extraordinary, but for myself, who knows where I ‘came from’ – it’s pretty impressive, which thus given me more self-trust and self-respect as well by proving that this fear/phobia was not just totally self-created, unreal and totally self-limiting – it supported me to change and open up to a lot of new aspects of life I’ve never could imagine before!

I am extremely grateful for EQAFE for this and I recommend it with all of my fiber of my being to everyone – even if one has no outstanding fear of phobia, maybe one day will meet somebody who has, and thus could give some support, chance to let go.

https://eqafe.com/p/car-crash-fears-phobias
https://eqafe.com/p/car-crash-support-fears-phobias
https://eqafe.com/p/car-crash-practical-application-fears-phobias

It might seem weird to give some coins for it, but for a price of a burger to get the understanding and the support for practical change(which then also can be applied to another fears&phobias) is actually a great deal. Well, for me it was extremely worthy, and everyone has to decide where does invest their energy. And there are a LOT of EQAFE interviews, what can be downloaded without payment…
(Before anyone would go into reaction of if this is so good, why not free? – The production and online availability of these interviews have some cost, which then actually will be used to create more interviews – I do not gain anything from promoting it, I genuinely recommend it for self-liberation as it supported me and others already a LOT)

Enjoy expanding and transcending fears and phobias!

Day 282 – Courage about ‘NO’

dsc_0747I continue with Courage

Preparing to practical change at situations I’ve already realized that I can have tendency to not LIVE COURAGE within self-honesty. Specificity supports self-honesty and awareness, thus this time writing about hearing or saying ‘NO’.

When and as I feel the pressure within to speak up about something to someone yet not doing it and actually not knowing exactly why not to do it – I acknowledge that I suppress myself and I judge without knowing it, therefore I slow down within, take a breath and check if I can see the actual reason, why not speaking up.

When and as I see that all of a sudden in a situation, apparently ‘not wanting’ to speak up, but I suppose to, I planned to, I should, I acknowledge that I suppress, based on judgement and a specific fear – thus I realize that the reason WHY I do not do it is the point of suppression, for what I commit myself to LIVE COURAGE to express myself and within that decision I stand and breathe in and find the best moment to share myself and trust myself.

When and as I worry about what the other/others would react to what I am going to say, I check – what I am going to say is of practical common sense, supporting for all participants, including me and if yes, then I realize, I fear losing something existing in my mind – and even if it would exist in the other’s mind – that’s their point to face within self-honesty, and mine is to disregard my own belief/delusion, thus I LIVE COURAGE and express myself by focusing to my expression to do it the best way possible within self-trust.

When and as I would think that I should have done something but I did not, I realize that I am judging myself for what I have or have not done in the past, which I cannot change, but I can commit and decide myself to do next time differently and also to consider to prevent judging myself, I should do it if it’s common sense to do so.

When and as I focus to energetic reactions to judging what I imagine as of what I should have done and it’s consequence if I could have done it, I stop as realizing that I stimulate myself with energetic reactions instead of focusing to the COURAGE to commit myself to LIVE when the opportunity comes next time to do what I suppressed to do previously and also to name, word the actual reason I did not do it and by that supporting to prevent myself to make the same mistake again.

When and as I worry to ask something from somebody because of fearing of what if the other would say no and within that I would fear that I should define and judge myself based on that ‘no’, therefore not even trying and thus trying to avoid making ‘mistake’ but by that not even giving the chance to ‘hear’ a yes, basically sabotaging myself, therefore once I see the resistance to ask the person the question I fear of hearing of a ‘no’ – I realize that if I do not ask, I will judge myself not even trying, therefore I decide and commit myself to LIVE the COURAGE to ask the question I fear hearing a no of.

When and as I fear hearing a ‘NO’ from someone who I would ask something of, I name the game and word the subject of fear – what is the point I mostly fear about that ‘no’, where my imagination goes in this self-sabotaging pattern..

This is interesting – Self-forgiveness on fearing ‘NO’ when asking:

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the extent of being consumed of self-interest within fearing of hearing a ‘NO’ when asking something from someone and within that only considering myself, my goal, desire, want of that person and actually not respecting the other equally as myself within if he/she said ‘NO’, then that’s their point, decision, stance and if I still feel bad/wrong/hurt/disappointed/frustrated about it, then I only care about my want/need/desire, thus I have to evaluate my starting point within this self-consumed want, which through I can automatically get off-balance by the reaction of even imagining not ‘getting what I want’.

When and as I ask something of somebody and considering the option of hearing a ‘no’, I realize that it’s part of ‘asking’ to hear a no, and it does not mean that is final and ultimate, however it’s the other person’s stance within this, which should be considered and also to see if there is possibility/place/option to re-evaluate my starting point within this ‘asking’ and also to see if I could further communicate, express, explain myself to use reasoning by seeing if there is something maybe the other person does not know or should know about this point to maybe reconsider her/his answer – and meanwhile to stay here, present, direct without fear/judgement and emotional reaction to ensure not compromising my utmost potential to express myself within self-honesty.

When and as I communicate within someone and being asked of something which I consider saying NO to it, I realize the tendency to avoid saying ‘NO’, based on my own tendency to what I could feel when hearing a ‘NO’, and based on that saying ‘YES’, only to use this superimposed ‘compassion’, which actually is of self-interest projected out – therefore I drop this game and re-check within self-honesty and practical common sense – what should be my answer and then LIVE THE COURAGE to say ‘NO’ if that’s what I should say.

When and as I see that there is an interest behind not saying ‘NO’ to someone when being asked as by this trying to appear as ‘a good guy’ or by considering a hidden agenda/desire regarding to this person (for instance being attracted to a woman who asks me something really difficult/time-consuming but at this moment it’s really compromising, maybe even in relation to somebody else, who I ‘forget to consider’ by the imagination of ‘being good’ with the person I am attracted to), then in the tension appearing in my mind in this moment, wanting to say ‘YES’, then I should stop, re-align with a breath here and to ‘come clean’ and to communicate and express myself and remain within integrity according to what I would sabotage in order to cling onto this energetic ‘hope’ I feel in this moment by judgement and in this scenario I LIVE COURAGE to say ‘NO’ when it’s the common sense I should say.

When and as I worry of what people would think of me if I would say ‘NO’ to things I do not want to do – I check why not wanting to and if it’s self-honest, I LIVE COURAGE to say no and trust myself and to realize that if I try to live according to what others would think, I would not really be myself, and also it’s starting point is actually fear, doubt, which I commit myself to prevent accumulating within myself.

I commit myself to say ‘NO’ when it’s what I want without energetic/emotional pressure within and I commit myself to LIVE the COURAGE to ask even if a ‘NO’ I would get not be the best I could imagine and also to realize that it’s not always should be ‘the end of story’ if someone says ‘NO’ in the moment, unless it’s that direct and ‘ultimate’ and obvious ‘NO’, then I embrace it as fact and move on.

I commit myself to stop imagining and reacting emotionally to hearing ‘NO’ about a question I am considering to ask from somebody, but rather stick to practical common sense and to realize that it means to remain present, directive and if possible or required, to communicate further or move on actually.

To support self within awareness and learn to change: free online course http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Supporting video interviews about understanding SELF: https://www.facebook.com/schoolofultimateliving

 

Day 280 – Physical symptoms of fear

IMG_9079Continuing with Suppression-Courage points.

This time bringing the physical reactions of anxiety, worry, fear, because many times when facing suppression/fear/courage points, these could be signs/symptoms to be aware of and stop participating as practical awareness support for change.

Well, this might sound weird, but this topic is quite new to me, to explore, trying to word and express these experiences within and as myself, which by itself exactly reinforces me to keep doing it, because how can be that I know so little about what is happening within and as myself, especially of this particular topic, which can influence the whole existence of me?

There are points, things, activities, situations, wherein I can notice this physical and mental, in fact emotional pressure within myself according to resistances and probably not fully realized memory, comparison, judgement, fear and energetic reactions.

It’s kind of thrilling or jittering experience, still observing the actual physical reactions. Isn’t it fascinating that I am not much aware of the human physical body reactions, because I am so much positioned, located and experienced within the mind and it’s kind of ‘interdimensional’ virtual space and time.

There is a type of anxiety, fear which can manifest slight sweating, wet palms, my skin literally feels a bit electric and charged sometimes.

Also there is another kind of physical symptom, which is the breath-suppression, chest pressure, it feels like a weight is pushing me down.

Sometimes energy charges, thunders flutter from my stomach/solar plexus area and prickling through the trunk, spine, my back and sometimes through the neck to the head as well. Sometimes also towards my limbs too.

Another symptom I presume is when I hold my hand/fist into a grip, even when it’s unnecessary – probably I am holding onto of feeling pushed/resisting towards something within my mind in those moments without actually realizing it.

These could be grouped as ‘positive’ signs, and I do name some of the ‘negative’ signs and here I mean that when the positive signs are present, there is some self-dishonest/self-limitation/self-sabotage pattern is being played out, participated within, and the ‘negative’ signs are when I am not aware of these experiences, sensations, physical feelings, indicating that I am not present, but ‘tripping into the mind’.

When I am not aware of the physical breath, the actual state, phase of in-hold-out-hold actions
When I am not active physically or even stopping for a moment and if I am not aware of the blood pressure in my palms, the slight or raised throbbing of my heart
When I am not aware of the gravity, the physical laws creating pressure/resistance against my physical body, for instance when sitting, feeling the pressure on my bottoms, my feet, or when walking, feeling the weight I move with muscles, the pressure on the soil with my sole, etc

When I am not hearing ANY sounds around me – it’s really-really rare to not be any sound/noise present, and also the sound my breath does. It actually does quite a sound, which sometimes can be felt like my mind is auto-filtering it out.
There were also times when I was able to get actually annoyed with the sound of my breathing, when I started to ‘come out’ from the mind for the first time and I realized that this is also similar to that my nose is always within my vision, even if I got used to it so much. In fact it’s pretty interesting design if we think about it, why it had to be in the actual sight? Not that it really matters today here, just wondering…

For a little more than half a year I went to a BodyTime workshop, which is about presence, awareness, direct expression and even with the fact that in my life I often did intense physical activities, such as sports, juggling, dancing, physical work – only realizing how less I am actually aware of this human physical body as who I am actually.

The spiritual agenda is to not identify and superimpose somewhat inferiority to the body in relation to the mind consciousness system – because it’s a systematic representation and manifestation of myself – however if I really look at it with practical common sense, the body is the source of the mind energy, the body is being utilized to generate and store patterns, reactions, even memories, and the mind is somewhat like a software and in fact neither is superior, however it’s a real problem when the mind is the starting point and gains control by a perception of it’s superiority, meanwhile in fact I am existing and manifesting self-separation on levels I am not even aware of.

It’s really worthy for investigation, exploration of what is the mind and what thoughts actually indicate, the words and their actual relationships, and also the very nature of these experiences of thoughts, feelings and emotions.

What words, sentences, memories, experiences, interpretations, perceptions do trigger anxiety, resistance, fear and why?

I do not mean to be mean to spiritual people but no matter what apparent mystical or non-mystical method they do, eventually this is where the real problem and thus the solution can be revealed: my version of reality and how and why I am stuck within it? This is crucial to understand and prepare for stopping it by identifying the trigger and source points of such reactions, many times also being indicated by those physical experiences I started to word down, identify and thus be more aware of.

This is why I prepare and dig deeper for further understanding with Self-forgiveness about this.

But before that, I support myself with the related EQAFE audio-book amazing library. This site is crucial to understand how the mind, the physical, the nature of existence and actual details of creation works. Sounds like I am inflating, but actually not. It is highly recommended to listen interviews, there are MANY for free and the ones for price are for the living costs for those who are dedicated to constantly creating and uploading more supportive content each week.
For the price of a beer one can get support on desire, phobia, business, suppression, anger, doubt and so much more.

Here I reference some related interviews about Suppression, physical reactions:
Denial: Courage to Change
Denial: Denial to Self Honesty
Denial: Courage & Self Honesty

The Emotional and Feeling Body System and Physical Energy-Alignments

I am grateful for EQAFE and the creators of it as contains so much practical knowledge and understanding about life, the mind and many more!

Day 275 – Suppression to stop

IMG_3827The EQAFE series of Quantum Physical provides exceptional support by looking at the physical manifestation of the self-acceptance and
mind-personalities on the human face.

These interviews are supporting with the point of SUPPRESSION:

https://eqafe.com/p/suppression-eyes-quantum-physical
https://eqafe.com/p/suppression-jawline-chin-quantum-physical
https://eqafe.com/p/suppression-weight-and-puffiness-quantum-physical
https://eqafe.com/p/suppression-self-conscious-quantum-physical

Throughout my life I’ve been working on this point as I have the tendency to swallow and suppress experiences, energetic states, judgments, emotions and basically any kind of points within myself I did not want or could not face, take responsibility for or acknowledge the need for change, justified by various excuses and justifications.

Today the tendency of suppression within me is like 1/100th of what I used to participate within, but still existing, can undermine self-trust and stability, thus it’s something I take responsibility for and work on it actively until it’s gone.

I am going to open up this point slowly as first allowing myself to freely write about suppression, some memories from my past to bring up and then will focus to physical aspect of the act of suppression, what do I feel, experience and see within myself, what are the signs within/on my body when I participate within the mind-patterns of suppression to support myself to prevent participating within it.

It’s not that I consciously want to suppress anything – there were times when I used to, but those times has passed and with walking Process since a while, having the Desteni group as support platform to share and ask, with the exceptionally mindblowing material provided by EQAFE, and the awesome Self-empowering online course of Desteni I Process and it’s buddy support; I am more than ready to face anything within me to take responsibility for, so let’s walk.

Any time you, the reader feeling like can relate, would have something to add or suggest, don’t be shy, that’s why we walk our process openly, so then we can multiply realization and assist each other by cross-referencing the practical knowledge of understanding, correcting and re-defining ourself for good.

Throughout my life of more than 36 years, I’ve never seen any pattern, thought-construct, emotional state, conviction, belief or judgement within myself what I could not open up, decompose and fully understand if I would take the decision, commitment and actual physical time and effort to open up, investigate, word it, write down and understand, thus I am certain that human nature as it is today can be changed, thus humanity as a group of individuals also can be changed with actual, self-honest action, and that’s what I am doing here, starting here, with what I have authority and power over: myself here.

I’ve seen so many people around Desteni to change, to let go their shame, shyness, guilt and powerlessness and emerge as stable, responsible and shining individuals, who’ve became active part of society and actually making a difference with principled living.

I understand that many people have problem with ‘Principle’ as I’ve been there too, but here I am, I am accumulating efforts to consistently live by the principle of self-honesty, self-forgiveness and physical birthing myself as responsible for all as equal as one as myself.

Suppression, as it is, a self-protection mechanism, which, within it’s flawed nature, still reflects back self-acceptance as who I allow myself to be.

There are several physical symptoms, I’ve experienced during my life what indicated, and still today, sometimes coming back saying ‘Hello, I am still here!’ Just to list some up, for instance I had ulcer within my stomach, as I was digesting up myself to the point of self-destruction and for a while that sickness really got me a literal taste of personal hell. At these moments, the digesting acid feels like coming up even to the point of my throat, which was biting the whole swallow area, and literally feeling like ‘acidic’ experience, which was quite uncomfortable. Since I’ve visited Desteni Farm and talked with Resonances through the Portal, I’ve got direct support to recognise this before really happening, so when I allow the mind to really grow on me and going into judgement, emotions, suppressions, to recognise and then let it go and stabilize myself, but I never fully applied decomposition, self-forgiveness and real change to the full extent, so this is also a point to look at here.

Also sometimes I can have the tendency to chew my mouth from within, which seems weird, but somehow when being in stress, tension or exhaustion, this feels like giving some energy, but actually I was again: eating myself up within by constant self-judgement, shame and guilt, literally manifesting it as eating my own flesh up to the point of having little scars in my mouth. The interesting point within that was that once there was some ‘flaw’ in the flesh within, it seemed easier to just continue eating myself and always re-starting before the flesh healing it. Well, this was never extreme, so never had ‘problems’ from it, but within self-honesty, this has never was really stopped.

When I was kid, I used be really a daydreamer, constant thinker, I felt like with the thoughts I actually could virtualise all possible scenarios before any action and think everything through, like ‘simulations’ to run and then what I felt the best, after seeing what to I react the most positive way, I heavily relied to my mind-personality to tell me what to do. This made me awkwardly slow within action and extremely limited within actual communication with others, especially with those, who I really wanted the best to happen with, such as women, or initiative, powerful people.
I was thin, really white skinned boy and among the physically more developed, brown-skinned others, who were much more ‘physical’ and strong, I felt that my only chance is to be really smart, to use my mind, my logic, my ‘processing power’, which I did, and many times it really worked, and gave me the ability to figure out things and also make things more efficiently, but many times really made things much worse, because if worry or fear influenced my reactions or reasoning, I twisted my perception and judgements based on emotions, which I really not like. That’s why I started to develop suppression. In a split second, there is reaction, emotion, vast amount of energy, what was ready to influence my pure, clinical logic of assessing with precision, so then I suppressed it. Like a superhero thing, there is this scar, a bullet hit me, and in the moment feel it, but in the next, I am ‘whole’ again. That I liked, but did not realize that what I suppress, accumulates, and when it’s full within me, then it’s energy, the whole thing comes alive and takes over, I am kind of possessed so to speak and then do stupid things, feeling like being in a rage and wanting to destruct all structure within me – and even sometimes I did hurt others too, luckily not much, but those times I was really ashamed, so then I’ve learnt to use that for energizing the mind with shame to suppress even more to try to ‘perfectly endure’ everything, what would make me unstable or would lose the logical mind.

This made me a great fighter, but only within myself, having enormous battles for control, stability and accepted as my nature – if something can really win an energetic, emotional war within me, then I identified myself with it and even if meanwhile I was unstable on all levels, I stuck with it as felt like this is life, this is who I am and this means to really be alive, but this took me to some really-really unpleasant situations and places on earth, where I had to reconsider that this is not the way I want to live.

Since walking Process, I’ve realized that I do not need to fight, or even resist things as no matter what I learn, reveal, understand or discover within me, I can change, I can change that aspect of myself, so no need to judge myself, no need to fear facing anything, but committing myself to change, finding practical ways to accumulate effort to manifest that change. The very words I think, feel and act are really important to investigate, what do I mean by ‘that’, what do I associate by ‘this’ and where do I see fear, resistance, desire, where I go into emotional reaction and instead of suppression, what can I do to embrace, stop and re-align myself with more direct, self-trusting and self-honest living.

For introduction, this is enough, I will continue more details on suppression to see it from different angles.

In the meantime I really suggest to utilize EQAFE interviews for more understanding on human mind-behavior as it is imperative to take responsibility for our actions and inabilities for the proper actions. Even the price of an interview seems like a lot, within UK, it’s the price of a pack of cigarettes, and also by paying that, one can support the creators of EQAFE, who are dedicated their life relentlessly to record and share as much as possible support. So, for me, those coins really worth the price. And there are many-many hours length of audio books there, which are free, for instance every series/categories are up there, the first 5 is always free.

Equal Life Foundation has many platforms for Education, many are free and providing professional self-support, life-coaching, which seems as fancy, but in fact it’s a million times evolved version of any spiritual/religious/psychological studies I’ve ever found on Earth, so before you judge, give it a try, it’s totally free:http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Thanks, enjoy, bye

[JTL Day 230] Preventing further annoyance

IMG_4159-Edit-smallContinuing with the Annoyance/frustration point from my last post:

[JTL Day 229] Movement and change – frustration/annoyance

Recently I did not experience much of a frustration, however things went quite bad around sometimes, but I was able to apply common sense and rather focus to remain here and deal with facts than going into reaction and instability.

It’s actually absolutely amazing how much of a difference this can be in terms of the ‘quality of life’.

I was busy traveling and communicating all around the country and seen/experienced/explored so many things what I want to write about, so this post will be the closing for this topic. It would be cool to return to this topic later and if required to further specify self-honesty and self-correction to prevent myself to go into annoyance/frustration. Also I make the decision to remember the scenarios/conditions/situations wherein I would still experience annoyance/frustration.

I continue with the points I was able to realize and specify in terms of annoyance and frustration by the Self-support I’ve got by listening these EQAFE Atlantean audio interviews:

Annoyance: What is it? – Atlanteans – Part 189  up to 195 Annoyance: The Gifts Within

By listening through these interviews it’s really an advantage in terms of understanding how the mind, how annoyance works and what is the practical way to support myself and others and being able to stop participate and change in order to prevent annoyance and frustration for a more effective and in fact enjoyable life.

I can’t pronounce enough how great EQAFE can be for a person who is ready to open oneself up to apply Self-honesty, Self-investigative writing and Self-forgiveness to admit patterns of oneself what are not the best and to take responsibility for points of self-delusion, self-limitation, self-deception, self-compromise, self-sabotage.

The understanding, certainty and stability can be improved to prevent annoyance/frustration even when shit hits the fan – and recently it did quite some times yet I did not lose myself -but even when I noticed that I am about to go into my mind to react, loop into thinking, which is in fact of doubt and fear, before real annoyance/frustration I manifested, I was able to re-align myself to focus to practical solutions.

I am not saying I am done with frustration/annoyance, it’s like walking trough one layer and then the next one opens up to walk through, but I am here and accumulating self-trust to become certain of that I can stop participate within annoyance/frustration if I apply and live the realizations and practical tools I share, specify, accumulate here.

With further Self-forgiveness and Self-correction based on the mentioned EQAFE interviews, I am going to support myself with to prepare further stopping and change in relation to annoyance. It’s already clear that it is a self-sabotage by the experience of learned helplessness, powerlessness tainted by fear and it just takes my attention from what is here, where the problem is to apply the solution, therefore it is completely unnecessary, uncomfortable and in fact preventable by getting to know myself by exploring Self-forgiveness on what is the already accepted relationship in my mind, vocabulary, personality what is conditioned to react with frustration/annoyance, which to I give myself a clean slate, to stop, to change by becoming aware the patterns so then before going into the annoyance, I recognize it and be able to just breathe and focus to what is here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I allowed myself to give permission to my mind, my body to automatically become impatient when I am unable to do, get what I want and feel this powerlessness, frustration, annoyance instead of actually looking what is here, what I really want and what would be the best practical way to make it happen without going into my mind, which is a form of self-sabotage, because at the moment of going into my mind, to have thoughts, emotions, feelings about it, I stop expressing, being consistently here, whole, fully here, which then results me to be split, and also prevents me to direct appropriately myself and the situation required.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to predefine myself in terms of annoyance/frustration by when I did not react once, defining myself as ‘I am done with this’, and then later when facing similar, but not exact situation, still getting into reaction and not realizing that I’ve taken granted that I have changed, instead of be the change myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized how and why I projected the change into the next moment and what I missed to realize within not seeing that this moment how is different.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the mind has built up layer upon layers and once I walk through one layer, then next one unfolds, so there is no such thing as ‘I am done’, but I keep stopping and seeing more opportunities to specify what to change next.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become annoyed when realizing that I’ve became annoyed with something I thought/believed/defined that I am done with being annoyed to and not realizing that this is not supportive at all but undermines self-trust, self-direction, self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the exact moment when I start to project change from a previous moment to a next/future one and taking granted that I am done with annoyance, or specifically annoyance in relation to something/someone while in fact I did not see/realize/understand the next layer opened up when I walked through one.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense to keep opening up within myself to see every single aspect and dimensions, layers, definitions of myself and continue understand and stop participate within any annoyance without defining how or where I am within this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my change to future moments about annoyance without realizing that I have stopped opening up myself to apply self-honesty.

When and as I see that I am projecting my change in relation to annoyance to future moments, I stop and I realize that there is a layer within my mind I miss to see, which can and will be a source of another annoyance unless I stop projecting and keep applying the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction, self-commitment.

When and as I see that I am becoming annoyed with something what I’ve defined previously as done, walked through, I immediately realize that I have to see the point/layer of my mind and myself I missed to see, understand, realize in relation to annoyance.

When and as I see that I am being washed away by reactions of annoyance, frustration, I breathe, I stabilize myself here and reminding myself that the more sober, present, directive and ‘whole’ I can remain, the more effectiveness I can give into the tasks ahead to prevent the source of annoyance/frustration as well.

When and as I stop react with annoyance/frustration within a particular situation, I stop judging/defining myself as ‘I am done through’ by realizing that the mind has multiple layers and thus there will be another point to face and transcend one after another, so I discipline myself to prevent projecting not to be annoyed into the future.

I commit myself to not project myself to the future in terms of annoyance and not being annoyed/frustrated about something and keep disciplined, present and self-honest to walk through all aspects and layers of my mind/myself.

IMG_4155-small2I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become annoyed towards authorities, people, establishment, system which has authority over me about something, such as job, workplace, government, law enforcement and going into reaction mode of annoyance, frustration and during it focusing to my reaction instead of the source of my reaction, which is powerlessness, giving up and fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is not supporting to feel annoyance/frustration in relation to authorities because I focus to a reaction and not the possible solution from the problem, which is the source of the frustration/annoyance and to see why I allowed to automatize such reaction in the first place to be able to stop and change myself and my relationship to annoyance/frustration.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the common sense solution instead of annoyance/frustration towards authorities is to remain present and to be able to recognize and see opportunities to share myself, apply myself to influence/change the system itself consisting of the authorities according to what is best for me and to others.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that aspects of authorities are accumulated manifested consequences throughout long time and thus also requires accumulation of application to be able to stand up to it and change it thus requiring commitment, patience and consistent application of common sense.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that to fight against authorities can not be the solution because what I fight against is also myself, my accepted manifested consequence, thus not fight/resistance is required but embracing, understanding and to find out what is best for all participants.

I commit myself to stop resisting/accepting reactions and frictions in regards to authorities and start applying common sense and embrace it and take responsibility within principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get annoyed/frustrated when I learn something new and I see a potential within me and try to project it into reality without considering the physical time/space requires to learn the necessary practical skills and then comparing and superimposing my mind’s state to reality and thus creating friction.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the potential I see/visualize/sense/imagine in my mind cannot be superimposed to reality because in order to live that potential, I must learn and apply the necessary practical application which requires effective, physical work to be done, thus I should rather focus to that instead of comparison of my mind and the friction of not being able to do as I imagine without effective learning.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the impatience/frustration/annoyance I accepted one occasion after another accumulated into an acceptance of this energetic state of powerlessness/giving up, which is in fact of fear and I must commit myself to stop this to accept and start finding practical ways to change this as myself as equal as one.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that why I fear when I feel powerless within annoyance of not being able to learn as I imagine in my mind, projecting onto reality, which is because fear from losing time and fear of not being sure, fear of making a mistake, fear of facing consequence of my decision and also the fear of admitting the fact that I am not in direction, I am in fact not existing as directive principle, only as manifested consequence of self-dishonest past decisions, which would require to become aware of and stop participate and change myself within one by one.

I commit myself to become patient, directive within learning new skills and to realize that the potential I see within myself I want to see being manifested immediately will require effort and time which I stop fear investing if I decide to learn.

I commit myself to trust my decisions of what I want to learn and how much effort I want to give into it. If I am unable to make such clear decisions, I apply self-forgiveness, self-correction to that decision-making about the point and also in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become annoyed when communicating with others and cannot explain what I want or cannot make the other understand or react to what they communicate and being lost in the reaction instead of hear the message the other wants to say or be able to focus to give the message I want to share.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get annoyed/frustrated when communicating with someone because can’t understand the other or make the other understand me and not realizing that there is such option when it is common sense not to continue communicating thus giving up is practical, which does not mean giving up what I want, just giving up in the moment wanting to enforce something but not being aware of the differences of these two.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that not only I should focus to myself while communicating to ensure not to be influenced by inner reactions of thoughts/feelings/emotions to ensure more direct communication but also to consider the other participant(s) of how much being able to receive my communication and not taking personally when there is challenge or resistance but to see what can be done or what shall I try to change within my communication to support further understanding.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I allowed myself to have a tendency to get frustrated/annoyed while communicating with other because seeing that I can’t express myself in the way that the other would understand what I say and not wanting to accept it because then I would judge myself as not being able to communicate effectively and meanwhile focusing to this reaction, this fear, while disregarding how to communicate effectively with this specific person, I actually manifest what I fear from – not being able to communicate effectively.

I commit myself to focus to effective communication and not the reactions I would accept within in judgement, comparison of my communication and preventing myself to go into frustration/annoyance by realizing that the source of such reaction is fear, pre-judgement, which I commit myself to understand and correct within myself.

I commit myself to stick to practical common sense within communication with others to prevent frustration/annoyance, and if there is an emotion/feeling/thought then I let all judgement go, I realize what is the exact fear I hide behind and I face it and let it go and focus to what is here.

I commit myself to see what is the very point I would become annoyed/frustrated with what I have to improve/change within myself when communicating with others and preventing myself to go into reactions and to remain consistent within applying practical solutions.

IMG_4487-smallFor self-support, self-learning, self-empowering, I suggest to walk the free DESTENI I PROCESS LITE online course:

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

This supports with the basic understanding of what are emotions, thoughts, feelings to be able to open up points what we are not comfortable with within ourselves, to understand the concept of Self-forgiveness, which is not just a formal ‘medicine’, but can be the seed of awareness required to take responsibility to stop what is self-dishonest, not supporting ourselves, others.