Day 379 – Discipline continued – specificity

P1020210Continuing on Discipline word specificity

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am approaching, dealing with and using WORDS with emotional energetic reaction charge without being aware of it’s origin, influence and consequence and within that also not seeing the importance of the investigation, stopping, re-alignment and change I require to directly LIVE words.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the DESIRE for discipline I invest into is the GIVING UP of direct self-trust and accumulate gambling by trusting constructs in my mind to make me feel, experience and do things, because I am unable to consistently remain within direct self-expression without polarity of my mind, of good and bad of self-interest, due to fear and hope.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that fear is self-interest, thus indication of abandonement of really living within self-honesty, and thus, it’s a great support to reflect back on what is the specificity creating this type of self-dishonesty.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the doubt and self-judgement I create is through the accumulative effect via lack of consistency being here and really wanting to become consistent, yet not laying down the necessary plan, structure and actual effort to manifest that change, every day, no excuse, no justification.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I accept a ‘day off’ from everything, meaning all the work and job, commitment and discipline, I undermine the process of consistency, which, if I look at it, without energy of my mind feelings and emotions, finding it to be a problem and within that acceptance of that problem creating inner friction, with then I have to deal with, putting extra effort to avoidable things.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity of specificity in relation to discipline to describe of what I lack, judge or resist and why, within asking WHY, to see why I ask that why and thus understanding myself, my reality and the solution as well.
  • I forgive myself that I have not admitted the followings I lack within my daily living in regarding to discipline:
    • breathing presence inconsistency due to fall into certain thinking patterns of doubt and worry
    • existential doubt due to financial instability and lack of structured plan execution
    • lack of communication with myself in regarding to partnership, sexuality and intimacy
    • intermittent motivation and progress level about my short-, mid- and long-term commitments, projects
    • temptation of move or not move towards the experiences giving me the least resistance and difficulty
    • complete and throughout level of disregard towards proper structure applied within specific areas of my daily living to support self-introspection, self-discipline, self-forgiveness and self-correction
    • not sharing ‘enough’ of process, as walking, as opening, as explaining – as seeing the potential, yet not stepping into it yet for a reason I did not yet specify

These might seem different topics, but in a way, they are the same – and as I am walking through these pillars, each will support me in standing up within all others, thus creating a halo of awareness taking over from consciousness system towards life awareness.

Based on these openings, what is obvious is that the most practical way is the direct way – for instance with breathing presence discipline – the obvious support is to focus on regular exercises, every day, at the same time – work on the breathing, presence, direct awareness here – no excuse, no distraction, no giving up.
And if points come up – write them down, walk the necessary self-forgiveness, self-commitment and re-align. Rinse and repeat – until I am comfortable here, with myself, unconditionally.

In a way – this is RESTART of Process – Back to Basics(link: EQAFE).

Every day is a new life, this is my Day one – and in a way, all will be until I stand as Life.

The challenge, which I know already, is that the more I am able to discipline myself to ‘become here’ – as it seems as QUIETING my mind, the more points and issues I will start to experience – all the patterns I was able to distract myself from with the daily bullshit self-dishonesty, which prevented me to see the real and relevant points, what I kept giving up about.
It’s like opening the wardrobe and all the things I stuffed in starts to fall out. I used to believe that intensity is key for breakthrough, but the danger in that is that then I work with massive mind-energy accumulations – and they are up and then down, thus I am exposed to that influence, challenging consistency, structured walk of discipline. Not saying it can’t be ‘revelation’, but in general, it’s less valuable as it feels at those intense moments.

Thus, it’s to clarify: there is NOTHING in existence we can escape from – only prolonging the process, thus this is also a DISCIPLINE – to stop and face all them here, in this life.

Every tiny details, of each of self-lie, self-deny, self-suppression, self-delusion or self-interest – our mind and beingness remembers, will support to realize and understand – if we are ready and honest to be able to STOP.

To be honest(pun intended) the capabilities I have became aware of I am able to do with my mind and discipline, more than 15 years ago, by time resulted myself become bully and in a way aggressive towards myself, because by knowing the potentials, yet not living up to those – that is really tough if not dealt with and stopped – and rather focusing to actual change, instead getting lost in the reaction energy vortex.

From Mr Robot TV series, a quote: “When you truly hate yourself, that’s power” – the art of total self-destruction, just you never go down alone with that, but dragging many others too – enraging further within the unnecessary and vicious cycle of self-interest.

That’s why many will ride all of those death-cults until their end: all religions, spirituality – they want to be exonerate from their own existence of manifested consequences, while all they have to do is to truly find self-forgiveness within the action of specificity.

What is an excuse coming up is that it is very thin line to walk on to allow ‘natural learning ability‘ without overthinking versus applying structured self-correction tools – so it’s like I have a thousand computers within me and they all run some sort of program and each has their own specific firewall/defense system, even if they are obviously questionable or even just bad – and to get in, stop those flawed programs, I need to understand the code already running in them, understanding the protection to get through it – and once stopping one – I need to create new code, but one which does not limit me, can grow itself with my presence and alignment of principle for all life equally. That’s why Self-forgiveness is awareness – I become aware of the patterns, the consequences, what I accepted already – so when I am about to do it next time, I remember, I take responsibility, and I prevent myself falling into it again. But for that I need to understand, specifically, good intention is merely nothing here.

It is literally scary to shut down those apparently important life support mind-computer systems of self-definition, self-justification, self-identification programs, but the more I investigate those, the more I see that they allow me to get by, but not truly LIVE.

Many brag about the magical and wonderful consciousness, which seems endless – it isn’t – I am able to see it’s limits, it’s end and it’s flaws – everyone should! –  but what allows consciousness to exist, what is beyond it, what is behind and within all is what we all believed to be justifiable to be separated from – the responsibility for all life equally.

That responsibility and alignment with is going to support to all to find back our ways from systematic limitation towards awareness of infinite life.

It’s easy to stray away – towards energy, towards possession or obsession due to the tendency of volatile sensitivity for energetic reactions in the mind, through the human physical body – thus genuine and reliable support is crucial to find compass and anchor within the process of self-realization.

That is why I committed my life to align with and participate within Desteni community, Desteni I Process online courses, as it is invaluable to find the right path within self-honesty.

Many did walk away from this process as it leads to the very core of our creation, which is challenging, for some it was too much, some got personal, some did fall into some excuse, not applying the simple tools for self-liberation in order to justify why they are right, better or should feel hurt, just because did not establish the proper DISCIPLINE within walking the Process of Self-honesty in every day consistency.

It does not matter what process one walks, if it’s different, has other structure or approach – but eventually everyone has to realize that the only way is through purifying our mind with decomposing, un-learning and re-defining how we live words in accordance of all participant of life equally.

And within that to realize – if one has resistance, judgement, opposition to the word ‘equality’ – it is a construct, there are things behind this pattern, and can lead to much more direct self-liberation. Worth exploring!

To be continued. . .

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Day 368 – Trust in Self & daily realizations, not Patterns

IMG_5860Whenever I trust within some thought-construct, I have to realize that it’s based on a stretched mind-state, which I require to maintain, ritualistic mind-possession-like time-looping within the same patterns over and over again in order to be convinced and energized to keep up with it.

On the other hand, where I look at things with common sense, I realize patterns, but recognize their situation-specific effectiveness or disadvantage and I release myself from the constant need of always relying on patterns in general, but if practical, still being able to utilize them to apply awareness – so then what I feel is that I am less busy in my head, more ‘out there’, yet from within there is only this creating and expressing from darkness and emptiness of self, which I find as good. Dark: not in the sense of opposite of light, but something from deep within, which until I do not explore, express – it’s unknown.

Good, in a sense of that’s allowing to live this unknown, where I find new qualities, abilities, and indeed, sometimes weaknesses and mistakes to manifest, but I shall not stop to judge, define or start punishing myself, just because it does not seem to work since a while.

Like the children, to learn to stand up, walk and talk – they do not know giving up, it’s just not an option, but to live!

Today I realized this, well, it’s often a sort of organic process, kind of started yesterday, but as writing it down here, it’s being quantified and solidified, crystalized and thus a more aware substantiation: within my job the fact is that when I progress, I feel enthusiastic, when facing difficulties and not progressing, then I feel tired.
So the realization what was obvious today is towards whenever I would start to accumulate resistance, friction and tension by not progressing, to just literally stand up, walk some steps away, make a distance and just breathe and let it go.

This way, I do not give up, but let go the struggle and the pattern I tried to apply yet did not work – and thus to support the realization that I am not progressing, because I have a closed mindset about a conviction or hope which I keep pushing, while it’s obvious that this is not the solution, so I should just step back one and try something else or somehow differently without any frustration to manifest.

Preventing to have experiences of uncoolness literally saves me from the ups and downs and rather be consistent and effective.

And if I don’t know how I will solve the problem I try to figure out – then it does not mean that I do not need to be aware of what I do and why – but about the how: to allow myself to be completely open – and it’s like ideas come from the darkness – nothingness, almost random, but the direction and will supports them to be situation-specific.

Sounds bullshit to be intuitive software engineer for instance, but in a way this can be applied to any kind of job, even the apparently most mundane one.

Also, today, one of the most degrading job I believed to be, cashier in a hypermarket – turned out to be not so much, just because one cashier lady was behaving absolutely the opposite I believed they supposed to be like: she was not dull, impersonal and monotonic, and she taught me that even there one can be present, actually enjoying and supportive(besides allowing one to pay for the grocery).

So all is being decided and often limited within our minds, obviously, thus it’s immensely important to be able to review and re-adjust our thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Yes, emotions as well – no matter how strongly and automatically one can feel about something with full steam of absolute conviction – beyond that there is history, pattern, repeating and some sort of fear – or desire, but that’s again in a way a doubt/fear-based construct if we really decompose it as well.

Also I had a quite supportive and revealing, containing a lot of ideas and points to consider Desteni I Process online course chat with the course’s buddy(person, who is seasoned within self-supporting techniques and self-honesty to support and reflect) – for instance working on patterns within specific areas of my life – turns out that those are existing within apparently unrelated areas of my life.

For instance the resistance to lead and initiate not only within playing music with professionals, but even within partnership or daily jobs or friendships – and these seem so obvious, but it’s different to assume than directly see, being able to take direct notes and specific adjustments to expand.

And I could list several more points I have realized just today and I definitely should as writing literally substantiates the realization and the specificity of how to live that understanding, thus it’s common sense to write and share every day.

So, that’s why – it’s literally each day a full blast of opportunity to realize, learn, let go and grow and writing substantiates and shares it, thus it’s worth doing so.

https://eqafe.com  – the place to learn about self and life

Day 363 – Intensity as identity – decomposition part 3

IMG_9539Continuing with Intensity mind decomposition

I introduce a concept of identity. It supports with grounding when tendency to prioritize intensity versus practicality.

Sometimes intensity is required, to accumulate an amount to dominate by energy or force or quantity. Break through a resistance, a wall, a vote, win an auction, etc.

But it does not make sense to keep intensifying for the sake of intensity and the self-generated value of it. Why? Because there is a questionable part within it, which is the self-defined value, based on a virtual velocity, which is in the mind only. Yet influences decisions, the actual, real life influence on not only the physical around one, but what also entails and being shared with others as well.

That’s why, investigating intensity itself can be a key to question identity and a way to rejuvenate value by aligning with real substance, not just an experience, a feeling in the mind, which is completely virtual for each individual separated.

I am going to talk about sex soon. It’s a good example for intensity, because most of the humans are biologically, emotionally and mentally programmed to strive for and value sex within their own, individual, self-created way.

My own personal journey through identity crisis and eventually the support of Desteni community, tools and principles resulted with the realization of that self-limitation and perceived self-separation from all what is here is being manifested by self-definition, participation within reactive, preprogrammed mind-constructs consisting of words; thus walking my own creation timeline backwards is a way to liberate myself from my own delusions and limitations.

That is why it is crucial to investigate all the words I use to see what is my blueprint for certain imagined, already happened, feared from or desired for scenarios, conditions; and discovering the trigger points I understand how I am programmed to behave and think, react and act.

Being addicted to Intensity is a virtual trip as an attempt to stimulate myself by a make-belief value system, through praising and worshipping energy, which I can’t define directly, only by actual avoidance of practical common sense, which then results to deny to focus to the physical, the substance itself.

That’s why many praise consciousness itself, because it’s also a form of mind-energy possession – thus becomes normal and typical to not only question the place and relevance of physical, but denying it’s importance and even existence by being convinced that consciousness is superior and the only relevant thing, meanwhile it’s quite a con to fall within such belief.

We are reaching a time and technological advance, where human labour becoming unnecessary and meaningless through advanced automatisation and the emerging of decentralized autonomous artificial intelligence networks, meanwhile Virtual, Augmented and Extended Reality are not only buzzwords anymore, but becoming part of every day life.

Therefore more and more people will not only being able, but completely willing to live exclusively within virtual realities, while their human physical body and it’s biomass becomes the only reference they have for what sort of identity they can solidify themselves to in order to avoiding being lost within the self-evolving digitalized mind-cloud and fog, literally.

It’s the evolution of consciousness, it’s own interdimensional existence manifested and infested into the physical substance. That’s why most of the humans have no real integrity, dedication and commitment, because everyone is being addicted to the same drug: their own mind.

What it means to be completely alone, to stand as pure, as naked, as empty and as dark as possible within this world, yet not to be of anything, for something, but to simply be here as who we are as life?

So, when I write: self-creation, what I mean is to walk the process of realizing the already being done part of that manifestation, because it’s here, it’s touchable, so to speak, who I am today, what I do, what I feel and what I realize.

The concept of creator, created and creation itself I have to unify with and as self here, otherwise I experience myself as – and existing within – separation through the mind’s interpretation of space and time – as scattered refractions of who I perceive myself to be.

To realize this, the extent and specificity of this state of being is important and each individual’s task ahead And that’s responsibility, power, because I not only get to understand creation, but as creator, I can change creation, myself as well.

My example and support for understanding intensity and identity, as I mentioned before, relates to sex. What I mean is doing sex, not the gender.

It was quite early in my childhood development, when I tapped into sexual energies and started to strive to learn to use it for my own purposes, which were mostly to cope with insecurity, fear, anxiety, doubt and then to strive again for more.

As a kid, many-many nights I could not sleep at nights, because my mind was so vulnerable, I felt like the whole universe with it’s emptiness and vast endlessness is soaking it, and I could not hold onto anything really solid in that time, so I felt meaningless, insignificant and absolutely temporally.

So I was aware of an initial despair since quite early of my years, which was somehow nasty, yet overwhelmingly intense experience.
I could probably blame my poor family, the government, the so called culture for how I perceived living, but what I did was to start stimulating myself in order to create experiences within, to balance out, to neutralize the intensity of this initial insecurity by acts, such as distraction created by sexual energy.

The way I learned to do sex was to get high with this intense aroused mind-state and use the body and mind to intensify this experience.

Not saying that doing sex is not cool – if it’s pure self-expression with no mind, thoughts, feelings, emotions fantasies, expectations, involved, it’s really awesome, but otherwise it’s kind of virtual, self-created, – thus in the most honest way, I could state that if any mind is involved within any sex, no matter if alone or with one or how many partners involved, it’s still masturbation, where others are just kind of toys for intensifying my mind-stimulation with.

In this stimulation-sense, that was what I did – I trained my mind to use sex to lubricate and catalyse energy generation to levels of extreme overwhelming in order to completely distract and separate myself from my every day living, interacting with others.

There are other ways of course to stimulate such thrill, I also played with danger, recklessness and especially drugs, but probably sex remained the primary source for feeding this un-admitted, sort of primal energy addiction.

The identity and alignment of who I perceive and create myself to be is a great support here, because once one understands how the mind works, how energy is created(actually taking from the body), how virtual reality is being maintained by participation with words through activating and feeding thoughts, feelings and emotions, one can literally stop the cycles and start introducing the learning ability to discover values what are not separated or individually worshipped and justified by society, but to focus to a real and always existed unity and truth waiting here to embrace within starting point and expressed through action as well.

Life is like a puzzle, and through our paths, we can solve it if allowing to be absolutely honest with ourselves.

So, how sex assisted me to realize the self-creation responsibility within intensity through identity?

I used to like doing long sex – meaning to learn not to end/ejaculate(as I am a male) through continuous stimulation/intercourse in order to keep doing it for long time, even hours.
I believed in so called tantra, to learn to control myself, to focus to the other, to not give into the temptation of letting the focus and well, sperm go, and that was quite a discipline and actually a sort of enjoyment to explore.

For a while it was a challenge and quite a stimulation.

It was not easy to find a lady being partner within this, as one of my friends/partners explained to me, and as many are like this that she often falls under the control of her ‘pussy-demon’, meaning to get hooked onto this strive for wanting more and more, get to orgasm and then even more and to just wanting to intensify without limit.

I find this definition of ‘pussy-demon’ – or ‘penis-demon’ a cool reference, because it shows that it’s kind of mind-demon, what I create and allow to possess me and then it literally wants to just take over and do endlessly what it’s defined and created to do: do and intensify, experience sex and repeat until the end of time.

Of course, people get tired, exhausted, real life priorities can’t allow to really do it all the time, but still – and I’ve been there – I see that it first feels liberating to explore this to really go into that kind of cave to explore.

But after a while, I have discovered that even if it’s ever-stimulating, in a way kind of self-and the other’s-healing, within itself is empty, hollow and kind of meaningless.

A year ago I dated with a lady, who I did not find as long-term partner-potential, although we did sex for several times and I found that to be awesome, we really did well that, but besides that I clearly saw that this is kind of a mutual masturbation. And it was kind of long as I wanted and within that I realized that it’s me the limit, yet I do not want to continue with her.

And some months passed and I found another lady who with I did see my preference to disrupt – probably as it was her preference and I liked her so much, but she preferred quicker sessions, thus I had to re-configure my intensity-preferences.
And within that I saw self-direction, self-creation in a way and realized that it’s not about intensity what I really seek, so in a way, I was able to let that go. Well, not completely, as I found another ways to still generate intensity within shorter sessions, but that’s the point I mention here: that I can, even if I am not absolutely aware of that – decompose, stop and re-define how to experience things, or intensity itself.

So that assisted me to realize, all the self-definition and identification with ‘long time’ intensity have changed. Although later that partnership has ended, but now I see, I am not bound or preordained to such detail, I not only can adapt but also direct that change. If I am motivated and dedicated to such change.

It’s aspect was also that the nature of relationship was that I was ‘getting’ intensity energy from somewhere else – it was that I am being loved and I can trust – that gave quite some boost – until it lasted and then turned out to be a bubble, what did burst, but the point here is that as we go through these experience-loops – it’s up to us to realize and give birth to awareness of who we are within these experiences and actions and to see if it’s honest to our core or not.

I still can strive for intensity, but the more I focus to decompose these patterns, the more effectively I can snap out of it, before spending – well, losing – so much time within that and to admit – that even intensity is just a distraction from the real points I am trying to avoid to take responsibility for.

So that is a cool point to realize and allow myself to be honest about to see that whenever I want intensity, I am admitting my addiction to energy.

Thus to slow down, even when it’s kind of awesome to intensify, is worthy, because the more I am able to skip and prevent to intensity with my mind, the better I am able to directly connect, to directly feel, experience and act, and that’s something what’s beyond the polarity system of any intensity could determine or better.

Let’s put it this way – until there is intensity in or through the mind within any experience or action – it’s not direct experience or action – no matter if it’s sex or adventure, sport or art – because then I am interpreting, stimulating myself through the mind, thus I am actually separated from the thing I define to be intense – so thus, this is how intensity, if it’s a self-aware thing, itself actually can invalidate any experience.

And I am sure that many people are not just getting hooked on this, but becoming completely consumed by ‘sacrificing to the altar of intensity’ in order to feed their own, personal lack in their mind they want to fill up with – some chooses greed, thus chasing money or power, or fame or even aggression or manipulation – all ways of intensity itself are kind of the same.

Furthermore and most importantly to realize – it really helps to admit by being honest with myself – I try to compensate with intensity an ever-returning insecurity or doubt, fear or unfulfilled desire.

So, for instance when I was able to willingly re-configure my personal preference within sexual preference in regarding to intensity, I did it based on perception of trust and love – thus that’s what I was trying to compensate with intensity in the first place.

And then this can assist and support to realize – I want someone to trust, I want someone to love me, because I do not trust myself fully, I do not love myself unconditionally.

And it’s okay, this is a process, no need to judge myself, especially, because self-judgement also generates energy in the mind – becoming angry at myself, intensifying the moments – it’s actually a self-admitted powerlessness and the anger I experience against myself is also a fable attempt to re-ignite the intensity itself, which is the food of the mind, the power of it’s existence, because I got used to and addicted to my own mind, who is always with me, to help me, to love me, to trust it, because I have never allowed or learned to do so directly with and as myself.

What are the actual points, aspects, dimensions, situations, conditions, words I face with doubt or lack of care, love? How can I assist and support myself and others to see what’s practical self-creation in relation to live trust, live love? These are cool dimensions to word down and explore, prepare and pre-script in order to be able to live in action.

That’s quite a revelation to admit and write down, share and prepare myself to prevent participating within to explore what’s beyond this pattern, who and how I can be. The process is quite simple – keep decomposing any found pattern, ask who I am within this, am I honest with myself about this, keep exploring and if needed: stop, forgive, change and adapt.

So Identity – as Who I am – in terms of past, present and future – that’s up to me, what I am going to accept and allow, and what I do not.

What reasons I hide behind in order to believe that I do not trust or love, or would I need of such in order to truly live. And remember – these are deeper patterns, one needs to often take effort to reveal, admit or discover, as human is quite a master of the art of un-admitted self-deception.

In the meantime, and actually any time, always:

EQAFE is an excellent place to learn about how the mind, consciousness, reality works to assist and support ourselves with more practical understanding to stop self-dishonesty, to start discovering what’s beyond self-limitation.

Day 354 – Projection and Responsibility

IMG_0061_hdr_mode_1bogaSuppression vs courage with responsibility
Dis-empowerment vs confidence with understanding

These are so intertwined at the moment, thus walking them together, but at the end, it’s all about dealing with fear.

Most of these points and realizations did not just ‘occur’ to me, I have got assistance from DIP Desteni I Process Online course, Quantum Change Kinesiology and the one and only state of the art education center: EQAFE.

Approaching to decompose self-disempowerment in the form of projection, a.k.a resisting to take responsibility.

Projection is, when I subtly imply that what I experience is not my responsibility, that I have an emotional reaction, which I’ve been exposed to – allegedly – by someone or something, so I am convinced that it’s done to me.

I perceive an experience, an emotional reaction within me, and by looking at the trigger point – or what I think was the trigger point:

I accept what I experience, I submit into the reaction, regardless if it’s good or bad – or let’s phrase like this: supportive or not supportive.

I certainly recognize that something is happening in between me and the world – another person, or something – but I get a conclusion that it’s not entirely me creating this here, which by I PROJECT a certain responsibility of by that I am going to be exposed/triggered to experience something.

The trap with projection is that I am within a mental/emotional state, which is not real, I believe that someone or somewhat else is responsible for what I am within, and thus I don’t consider, I am incapable of realizing the solution, which is changing myself. It’s really a convenient for lazy or coward, ignorant or scared people, because until the projection is not dropped, ‘I don’t need to take responsibility’. – Unfortunately this means limitation, friction, frustration and accumulating consequence of something opposite of great, because it’s based on deception. Self-deception.

Usually it’s easier to recognize, when it’s about something negative I experience.

Recently I have had a Quantum Change Kinesiology session and it was mindblowingly exact on what I have been projecting to someone by identifying the words what really can describe the subtle, unconscious projection.

It really assisted to drop the act of projection, but it’s really just the consequence, -the tip of the iceberg- of a deeper pattern: how I can accept to be subjected, submissive by my self-created and accepted relationships, projected out to actual relationship with others.

It’s about describing real life scenarios, actual experiences, memories and behaviors fitting this pattern with the decision and commitment to take responsibility for to be able to stop and change.

This reveals the deep pattern behind these as self-acceptance and a giving up attitude into a doubtful, submissive and insecure starting point in relation to a lot of things in my life, and actually it’s all based on fear of loss. Fear of losing control and fear of that things would turn to worse than I perceive them to be currently. And not realizing that the reason things are not supportive in the first place, because of this ‘holding onto’ ideas what are good for survival. But this is not living. Big difference.

So. Let’s walk this.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not develop and live intimate and honest relationship with myself, thus not dis-empower and deceive myself with mental and emotional projections, which by not wanting to take responsibility for what I experience but to subtly imply that its all done to me, instead of seeing/realizing and understanding that I only can experience what I create, accept and allow within my mind; what words, emotions, judgments, definitions I participate within and the person or thing I project to is only existing within this scenario as a trigger point for my self-dishonesty.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized when and how I submit into reaction of emotional turmoil wherein I project beliefs, qualities, actions and words to others as if they were like that, meanwhile not becoming aware that it is only my judgement, and as I project those beliefs, delusions to the person, I believe what I project and I act according to what I project, which is not related to reality, thus creating conflict, friction, mis-aligmnent with what’s really here, based on a fear I don’t admit or being fully aware of.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize what is the core point, the starting experience, judgement within what I start projecting by, as when I do, I am not present, I am not here, I am immediately falling into and move with the emotional reaction judgement energy and within that movement being distracted, deluded and only see the trigger point, which then to define as ‘source of experience’ and within that not realizing that I have given permission to my mind to throw experiences to me and thus going into submission, automatic inferiority and within that relationship, not considering and looking for practical ways to stand up to the experience, to become one and equal with it and to decide to stop to see through the veil of projection delusion.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself prior to the moment of projection to name the fear I fall into experiencing and within that to want to avoid it as defining it as bad, and within that definition trying to understand the condition, but with the total acceptance and submission to the experience of reaction of emotional negativity, taking it granted, believing it to be real, accepting it as myself and the act of projection to use to try to define what’s going on and how to avoid this experience, but already accepting the reaction and emotion first, thus as becoming the PROJECTION itself, not seeing it, and becoming the specificity of projection itself, as for instance defining someone to be ‘repulsive’, when I notice someone is not welcoming a certain behavior of mine, but due to my past programming and acceptance, I jump into conclusion based on fear that the other is now ‘repulsed’ by me, so basically painting a worst case scenario in my mind, so then I believe that by this I can ‘handle’ the worst, which is compensating to fear of loss, doubt, lack of confidence.
  • I forgive myself that I have not recognized the pattern of projection as pure self-delusion as I use creativity lost within fear and with the desire of wanting to avoid something, I fall into the emotional reaction of fear so steep, so immediate that I change my perception of reality, but as I want to change actual physical reality, actually I end up only change my own, mind-virtual reality by the conviction of projection: so it’s admitting being incapable of taking responsibility of the actual, real deal of issue at hand, and literally overreacting it and by losing inner balance, I react to my overreaction – the actual, original point becomes unavailable, hidden and irrelevant, thus I end up dealing with my own projection without realizing it’s a projection and not realizing that I have to slow down within, breathe, stabilize to PREVENT giving into fear, reacting to memory, to specificity of trigger point I allow to react to, by forgiving each details of self-acceptance I allowed in the past.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense of specificity of walking through the actual details of fears I give into while ‘falling into’ projections, what is fear of loss, fear of losing control, fear of failure and fear of falling, in relation to partnership, financial status and my overall standing in and as the society, the world and existence.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the continuous self-petrification I accept by fear of making mistakes and fear of failures and within that not specifying what are the worst fears and why I defined those as worst and within that literally ‘facing my demons’ as seeing what I define as I can’t handle, and thus supporting myself to be able to prepare and PREVENT these to accept.
  • I forgive myself that I have not recognized the doubt I give into, the self-disempowering self-distrust by giving into fear and within those moments, when I see the glimpse of actual real truth, fact here, I automatically give permission to my mind to categorize as ‘I can’t handle’ – and to come up with something I am pre-programmed to perceive as I can handle, and within that not realizing that I give up even before I try to deal with what’s ahead, which if I would really see the extent of it, I would realize the gravity of the problem I accept myself existing as, and thus to commit myself to stop doubting myself and defining myself DECIDING TO FACE REALITY AS IT IS and accept making mistakes and failing, but not without first trying with my best to solve.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not good enough for partnership, because I only focus to myself due to my nature and recent decade of experiences of being and standing alone and doubting myself of whenever I am waving and ‘falling back’ to stand alone and thus within partnership not being consistent, and not realizing that it’s a fear of judgement, as fear of being judged, fear of being left, because I chose stability of myself first, always, and not the relationship itself, and within that doubt, not realizing, that this is not selfish, but practical common sense, as relationship consists of individuals, and if I can’t stand individually first and foremost, then I can’t really be a stable pillar of any relationship, thus it’s not real fear, it’s a make-belief fear, a fear of being criticized, or justified to be left, thus I commit myself to stop participating within this fear, but to communicate and share within relationship if there is anything what would waver my stability, how to deal with it and what’s the solution and offer agreement, thus strengthen the relationship and myself as equals.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I am experiencing being judged or rejected, repulsed or punished by anyone, it’s something I accept, I create and maintain, not something what others ‘expose me to’ – thus realizing – it’s on me, not others, and no one can make me feel repulsed, unless I accept to, and within that acceptance, submissive behavior, to see, what makes me to fall into doubt and self-judgement, emotional reaction, which I balance out/suppress/justify by projection, thus I commit myself to not forget this pattern – but to for-give myself to prevent myself to participate and see the relationship with by I doubt and fear, judge myself, thus to specify self-forgiveness, thus to be really become aware of the pattern and being able to STOP.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within projection I give away my power, which is awareness, self-honesty and responsibility, the ability to direct action and prevent consequences I become aware of.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that generalizing judgement based on falling into fear is to try to find and match patterns to which I defined myself as not understanding, not having the ability to apply direction to influence, change and not realizing that by projecting out something I fear from, what I defined that I have no influence over, I actually give into the fear and within that fear, not expanding, not understanding, not finding solution, but to blame and justify, to accept defeat, to submit into experiences to re-loop within emotional friction, instead of seeing the pattern and saying no to participate before ‘falling into’ automatically.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress emotional turmoil, self-judgement and reaction to self-acceptance of existing within worry and fear, without being aware of it and within that not realizing that if I would slow down, to stop, to ask and answer to myself what I really do – then I would see: I exactly know what I am doing and within that to have the courage to take responsibility and make a stand to STOP, with becoming aware, specifically with all details, words, trigger points, reactions, judgments of what I actually do, and thus understanding the mind machine, becoming able to be equal and one with it and to make the stand and just breathe, to not allow it to move.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that self-disempowerment stops when I live the word COURAGE to become responsible for all the automatic mind movements I give permission automatically happen in the name of justification and conviction of trying to cope and manage, control and save from the things and experience I fear facing or being exposed to and within this to realize that self-empowerment is to LIVE COURAGE AS SELF-HONESTY to stop participate in the mind and stop living through it, but directly here, in and AS BREATH, as the LIVING FLESH.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I am able to slow down within to see the pattern before participating in it, I remain present, to see the issue at hand more clearly, without going into the fear/projection/emotional reaction, which would assist and support me to be able to not just see problem, but also to see and carry out solution as well.

Standing as Self as Life – regardless of alone or others – direct support applied here from EQAFE – Abandoned – Self-forgiveness

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within projecting qualities, behavior and attitudes to others, words, what I accepted as ‘I cannot live by myself directly, thus needing someone for that’ and I try to cope with the self-accepted experience of uncertainty, insecurity of I might not ‘get fulfilled about those words’ and submit myself into my mind to hope that it tells me what is going on and within that not realizing that I project out things what are not there, but this way I do not have to deal with the fear of loss, the possibility to lose what I hold onto as defining it’s value within the self-identification and self-definition of this thing I do not want to lose is part of me, who I define myself to be and fear losing as then I would need to see who I am behind, without it, barely myself, facing myself, which I’ve defined as not whole, not soothing, not strong enough.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have defined strength outside of me, defined to become whole to be part of something, to join with someone, thus becoming dependent and relied to have the experience of whole and strength, soothing ONLY when being in relation to something or someone separate from me, THROUGH the definitions and experiences, feelings and emotions, energies OF THE MIND, instead of realizing that this is not direct living, this is a bubble, a delusion, pink sunglasses, which will never last, and the more I struggle to keep holding onto it, the more difficult and stressed, worrisome and submissive I become in relation to the relationship, to my mind and in overall anything but self here directly.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the self-definition of not being strong enough is delusion, an energetic addiction as coming from self-judgement based on memories and imprinting, which I can break through with consistent and disciplined application of specificity within applying, writing and sounding Self-forgiveness to release the suppressed and stored tension within my body and mind, to accumulate understanding and direction to what I commit myself to STOP and the more I stop participate within the mind, the more I see the reality, thus becoming able to deal with it, thus seeing it more clearly, thus more and more being able to become effective to apply practical solutions.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define strength in relation to muscles, how do I look and how much I can lift or do in comparison to other men I saw, read or heard about and within that comparison seeing that I am inferior and not realizing that real strength as self here has nothing to do with physical strength, but as a will, a commitment, a discipline, a real expression of who I am as LIFE and within that what I accept and what I don’t and also to realize that when I would give up or in, into doubt, fear, give up, projection or suppression – it also has nothing to do with physical strength, muscles or how do I look or how much I can lift or endure physically, thus to realize, any time I compare to physical strength in relation to whether to give into self-dishonesty, it’s an excuse, a justification, thus literally lie to myself, which I commit myself to stop.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself not being whole, because not being able to experience, have access to certain qualities, aspects, to live words, and finding the need to rely to, to connect for, to become dependent on others in order to be able to live strength, wholesome and soothing and within that not realizing that this is an experience I give into, and behind the experience, there is a self-creation process, which I do not want to become aware of, because then I would see, that not only I have accepted myself to be created like this, but each and every single time, when being triggered to the same pattern, actually and actively giving permission to my mind, fueling with my beingness acceptance, re-creating the same ‘me’ as self-dishonesty – and within that not realizing that this is the key for the solution: all I need to start doing is to STOP participating within the same pattern with becoming aware of the exact words, reactions, trigger points with absolute specificity, commitment and diligent accumulation of understanding and self-movement to manifest the consequence of breaking the habit of: – defining myself not whole, not strong, not being able to care and love myself directly, and finding practical ways to accumulate and stabilize, expand with and express of living the words of strength, soothing, whole directly.
  • I forgive myself that I have defined women to be needed for experience myself as whole, to define myself existing without woman as not have access to soothing, without the back and forth communication and share with a woman who I trust and respect, not to be able to experience strength as I have defined myself being alone as a lone wolf, a wanderer, someone without being roots, interpersonal commitment or interest; instead of realizing that if I define and give myself ‘roots’ and purpose with a woman, then I am consistently accepting a dependency, which as in it’s relationship form directs me and I hold onto, thus accept self-compromise and self-dishonesty, thus I let all go and create relationship, connection without polarity, without wanting to fulfill what I lack within self, but to see how can I live words directly.

This is it for now – so walking from submitting into projection towards taking responsibility to see the patterns and the reason to be submissive within the experience of lacking and being unable to have access to experience and live specific words and within that belief, to depend on, hope for and submit myself into relationships based on fear of not being able to ‘LIVE’ or fear of losing what I believe I have of such.

Projection is really a trap, let’s clarify: it’s unacceptable, and ‘luckily’ Desteni I Process and EQAFE provide quite a detailed, structured and specific understanding to be able to stand up to it and being able to break the cycle and start accumulating self-trust and self-honest honoring Life as self as equal as one.

Day 339 – Energy: Admitting facts for Self-Change

webContinuing with the energy craving mentality decomposition

Its a great opportunity as at the moment getting really tired and this is when usually can this mentality be noticed.
It’s when I want to experience intensity, sense of movement, energetic experiences, excitement, tension and in overall kind of a ‘high’. Well, it’s not self-expression, as it is to compensate, to distract and actually entertain and self-stimulate, in a way simulate living, which I do not do and accepting myself not living with the mesmerizing energetic experiences I keep re-creating. Thus let’s change it!

I directly apply Self-forgiveness on upcoming points. At times I still see that I have conflict within, thus need to continue with the understanding.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself in relation to the energy craving mentality within my mind, which is almost literally ‘can attack’ when I am in doubt that I did not do all I could for the day or when I feel that I am feeling tired, but I feel that I should do more today.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that it’s not about ‘today’ what I did – as obviously if I make ‘today’ longer, then ‘tomorrow’ must become shorter as I can’t cheat time, and meaning I try to use the unit of time to compensate with the already obvious, yet not self-admitted realization that I feel as I did not do all I could, but I want to, I should to and in a way I also would do, yet feeling tired, exhausted, thus I want to feel energetic, thus I should feel the need to stimulate myself to literally ‘generate’ energy within my mind by specific patterns to participate within just to feel the day longer and within that not realizing that the fear, as it’s source is actually in the center of it all, which actually sabotages direct and effective application for the things I fear not progressing with.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that there is a mind-trick I apply with myself all the time, which is that I slice up time and creating ‘progressing’ moments and ‘let go’ or ‘give in’ moments and within this system I am not in direction and it’s basically similar construct to the spiritual/divine moments which then prioritizes moments, and when participating within the ‘not focused, self-directive’ moments, at the same time accumulating frustration and inner conflict of ‘not doing enough’, which then wanting to compensate once it’s reached a threshold, or the end of the day is coming at night, when being tired and sleepy.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am not realizing the practical common sense and the direct solution to my re-creational self-sabotaging frustration and feeling of ‘not doing enough’ experiences, which is to not give in to the ‘give up’ moments to participate, and not create judgements, frustrations in the first place, yet to be honest with myself within self-direction to see what are my needs and wants within absolute, brutal self-honesty, and if I would see needing entertainment for example, just give it to myself within my own direction, not as ‘give into’ by suppression, desire and fear of missing out, then falling into it and then losing discipline and direction.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the simple solution for my energy addiction is to be honest with myself of what I want or need, desire or strive for and then to check each and every single one of these with common sense and to see which is supportive, which I can ‘afford’ in terms of prioritizing my time and resources, effort and participation and then if it’s applicable, to ‘give’ it to myself, or if its not supportive/doable at the moment, then to decide to postpone – or if it’s not supportive at all or doable, then to let it go, forgive and focus on directly working to really let it go actively until I am clear, here, present without temptation or desire, suppression or fear(of missing out).
  • Basically be practical and structured, organized and considerate.

There are not many ‘things’ what I can fall into with suppression but in overall the reason is a self-identification, self-perfection-related self-image superimposed to who I am currently – thus there is a ‘rift’ between actual and with what I deal through my mind of myself.

Sounds creepy, although it’s a typical human thing, to not clearly see who we exactly are, but with some pink or even grey glasses so to speak, so the first step is to see actual facts and thus becoming able to work with those to align and unify all of self here through decomposing and forgiving, re-defining and re-aligning the words with I perceive, experience, express and live in the physical.

For instance if I look at honestly – I can judge myself on ‘watching TV series‘ – it can take a lot of time, it’s just entertainment, while sometimes I can do other things, but if it’s interesting I just watch – and if not interesting, I do not watch actually, so it’s time consuming – if my priorities do not progress as should, I can feel ‘uncool’ about it.

Justifications and excuses also can and should be investigated and dealt with – such as ‘I had hard working day, let’s relax’, ‘I am too tired to do anything constructive’ or ‘It’s so interesting story, relates to my life’, ‘Just one episode, or while I eat, or do this or that’…etc – it’s OK to do do it, but if I feel not good about it – I create problem within about it. And if I just let it go and ‘give in’ – and just watch without worry of other things do not progress because of this – then I might feel bad about those anyway – so no escape from self actually, not for long anyway…thus better to get clear on this…

Well, its often so subtle – ‘uncool’ – see, not as ‘bad’ – just not so cool – as there is suppression – I have this judgement, negative emotion, instant suppression – all in a split second – and then I am ‘clear’ – but it happened, it accumulates somewhere and doing it enough times and it grows to the point of not so suppressed, but as an issue.
Then all of the tiny emotional suppression altogether stand up and say HELLO – and then I can’t ignore it, well, I can’t even do anything else as I just feel that I have this tidal wave awakening within me and I have to deal with it, and man, that’s tiresome and time consuming – and then I am exhausted, spent time with: not with priority, and then dealing with my inner waves, and the (to)day comes to it’s end and I am tired, yet did not progress with things as I wanted to, and that’s the point and inner conflict of what I write about to recognize, decompose, forgive and prevent.

I mean, when hearing stories about ‘extremely effective/successful men and their actions in the world’ – they might have had similar problems but could overcome and become one whole expression to do what they committed to do, thus become very effective with – it’s not impossible, just needs structure, self-honesty, motivation, direction and self-supporting tools and apply it, one step at a time to become unified within to be able to do what one really wants. Would I also want to become this ‘very effective/successful? I do not accept self-limitations and committed to find out my utmost potential, which means to keep exploring, understanding, growing!

Well, as I mentioned, the only way is to roll up my sleeves so to speak and get into the specific details to the utmost. Here meaning of what exact topics, points I judge myself as wanting to be different than I am actually – or within that want, actually seeing myself differently as I am – here the ‘fake it until make it’ does not work, thus better to change directly than to pretend, and it starts with admitting flaws, dishonesty, mistakes.

Just a short story – my father had drinking problems and later mental health issues too – but he kept avoiding to admit these, so he was ignoring facts until grew up on him to the extent of literally losing himself and his life with the overwhelming experiences of the accumulated things he never took responsibility for.

Thus, to admit problems – is although difficult, uncomfortable, can be even shameful for a moment, yes, but necessary to align with reality, and in fact can assist and support to realize the extent of self-dishonesty and self-compromise I allow myself to live within, and thus to really decide and stand up to change.

And ‘watching series‘ is just one example – although the things I experience are complex, as can relate to to my human interpersonal relationships, difficulties to be dealt with in family, at work, career, daily things, sexual desire or suppression, bully, any doubt, distrust, to see how the world is and face sadness, shame, or in overall questioning direction of my life, or financial, money points to face – each to deal with, while not get exhausted, overwhelmed, thus to balance it out with staying healthy, effective and growing, live with enjoyment, enthusiasm and innocent yet responsible and be open and able to share insights, support – it’s an art, but the key to it all is to learn and live being honest with myself, as if this one point I ever miss, then I actually can miss ‘myself’ within it all, which then start manifesting ‘glitches’, ‘reactions’, ‘frustrations’, ‘self-judgement’, ‘frustrations’, then manifesting worries, fears, then desires, etc…

One breath at a time to walk through points – and although there are many dimensions, take one thread, which bothers the most, and walk it through – and probably open another dimensions, insights, but I keep disciplined on walking this through – and if necessary, I hold this point – and clear out another what is necessary, and once that is clear, I understand myself on why and how I do what is not supportive, then I forgive, and move on with the initial point. Sounds simple. That’s why writing is key – not just thinking through, but to walk a point, word by word, the thread of Ariadne – of sanity, self-honesty and self-direction is writing here to see the patterns as I unfold with being honest with myself until all the maze of my consciousness is mapped and I see the pattern, the way in and out and I change the maze to be direct and simple, yet supporting and effective.

So, one step ‘closer’ to see directly the patterns with I create these energy craving spirals within what are getting more and more rare, less and less intense, but still way to understand, decompose, forgive and prevent myself participating, and it also entails on how to live what I not yet, but I could and actually wanting to.

AWESOME support on this and another topics at EQAFEhttps://eqafe.com/

Day 333 – Worry and dealing with it

IMG_0532Today writing about Worry. I think I have been trough this recently.

I am stable in this moment, thus it’s time to look back, what was happening, why and to see, how to move forward from this.
I have committed myself to do several things of what I never did before and while finding my stable ground, learning practical experiences within these various ‘new’ areas, I am facing with some stumbling experience within.

I must clarify – I am much more stable than I ever was before, but still there is place for improvement, which might seem as some sort of obsession and mental fixation to strive for Self-Perfection, but it is nothing of that kind. It’s simply by looking into me and to answer the question –

Am I absolutely, brutally self honest about this very specific point I am looking at in this moment?

And if no, then I must change, otherwise I accumulate acceptance of self-dishonesty – willingly, which leads to where I exactly know what is, as I’ve been there before, that’s where I am actually ‘coming from’ here, also through this blog sharing, The Journey to Life, from self-dishonesty to dignity and honoring the best possible version of myself.
Recently I wrote a letter to someone, wherein I explained this (actually it’s a desteni interview with Gurdjieff, who I quoted, but that 2-3 minutes assisted me tremendously, thus I like to share it, maybe someone else also could find it supportive.)

The time for unification is here, I like this word, that’s why it’s my blog’s title as well, what I started in 2008: because if I put myself into and as these words:

I am already a unified man.

Then from this starting point I am able to see, feel and understand what I still have to open up, purify, remove and let go of from my core of my very being and thus to move forward, consistently without any doubt.

Worry, fear, doubt, uncertainty, fear of loss are certainly not unknown for me, especially within my conscious, thinking mind, thus I have the ability to deal with them in a way, what’s constructive and not just distraction and suppression, but actual, problem-preventive solution.
What I feel nowadays is a bit different, it’s more physical, deeper and direct as now my conscious mind is not blocking my way to do what I really want, but when I face with new situation, I can definitely hear my heartbeat in my ear and to realize that I only have myself in this moment to apply.

It’s similarly heightened experience, when one would imagine being in the jungle among wild animals and it’s about being in this moment, but not too afraid, because that would petrify or distract me.
It’s actually very self-empowering to see that who I really am is not really getting hurt or getting disappointed with rejections, mistakes or failures, as my current situation is not surviving in jungle against beasts, so it’s just a symbolism.

But still, there is this inherent, physical, resonant worry I feel and often it goes away as I move through it and I discover ‘an unknown’, I learn and expand, and some returns from time to time, until I do not become honest with myself about it and find a practical solution.
I used to be addicted to fear, at least a decade ago, I proudly shouted to anyone, I am not afraid of anything, but in fact, first and foremost, I was so afraid from myself, to be present, honest and truly open with myself. It’s so obvious, that if someone does not fear anyone, can face the worst in this world – they still can be afraid of themselves, it’s completely different scenario.

Actually, also myself, I was fueling my acting out as of not-fearing in the world by the inherent inner fear I constantly experienced on a physical, resonant level, just in relation and towards myself, here.
Sounds horrible, but I am sure of many, many people can relate to this, just maybe never explored their word-set to be able to write or say it as directly as exists.

Facing all I’ve ever done, from the nasty, the selfish, the evil – even if I am being considered as such a nice guy, each moment matters, not only in the mind, but within and as our physical body we accumulate. Each thought, feeling and emotion is being created, going through and essentially affecting, influencing, in a way transforming our own body, every day, hour and minute, constantly. Literally resonating, like a sound vibration energy, and thus, to believe that it does affect would be just unwise.

To be able to face, understand, stop and start changing our conscious mind, when the so praised ‘no thoughts’ can start to expand is just the first step within true transcendence of self-dishonesty and self-limitation.
It is, and always was and will be, our human physical body, the source and destination, which through – and as – we only can truly live in each moment.

After(and still) walking Desteni I Process courses since several years now, I see, that there is so much ahead, but without these years I’ve already walked, I still would be lost within my mind.

So, in short: physical body support, there are many more minds to transcend. The greatest ever made online ‘university‘ about transcendence, true psychology and the science of the human psyche is obviously EQAFE.COM.
There is nothing even slightly similar online what could be compared to this vast amount of theoretical and practical information database about how humans work from the consciousness and mind level.

I am grateful that this exists, especially the group behind it, who are truly inspirational within their consistent and restless effort to keep sharing more and more refined and relevant interviews to support real change and the betterment of humanity.
This is what I am going to do also: for my personal experience, resonant worry, facing the physical mind, to be able to take responsibility for this type of self-resistance and limitation, I check for interviews at EQAFE.COM.

After a minute, I’ve found a lot of support about worry:
https://eqafe.com/p/self-forgiveness-on-the-experience-of-worry

I just read this aloud several pages – I understand more about the nature of my worry, as walking through various aspects, starting points and dimensions of worry and I saw my own fear of loss, wanting to control, which then I can open up further to assist and support myself to be able to use my time much more effectively than spending it to useless, actually counter-productive worry.

So, even when I am not actively thinking about, still worry can be result of participating within it in the past and can be triggered by scenarios, experiences and it might even seems to be so direct that I could believe(justify) that this is so inherent that it’s part of me, who I am, but in fact it’s self-dishonesty to say something like that.

Also when people, parents justify their worry to the point of becoming ineffective, it’s self-dishonest.
I also see now, to look after a child, and when does something dangerous in the moment, it’s kind of scary, I have to jump to catch him, otherwise would suffer an accident. But I see that worry does not help, rather to be on point, disciplined, focused, present and to ensure that I do all I can to prevent the problems I would worry about.

  • So this is also a great way to transform, re-define worry, to use it creatively, with active, self-directed imagination, not that I would allow it to roam free and I become this worry-wart.
  • When I see worry, I stop, see what is the nature, subject and relationship of it and I see what I can do to ensure, this is prevented?And to also actually see, that there is place for worry if I am not doing everything I can to prevent the thing I worry about to happen.

Well, it’s actually common sense, as if I do all I can, there is no place and time for worry, right?

  • So whenever I worry, it’s a cross-referencing self-reflection point of I am not focusing to solution/prevention, thus I should re-align, self-forgive and initiate self-directed action.

Another support about worry:

Yes, for these interviews/documents, there is a price, but if I look at that an ordinary dinner in Europe is about 15-20 Euro, so to be able to stand up to and learn a lot about how to deal with worry, for a lifetime – I’d gladly support those, who do every day work for these interviews to become on-line(they are no corporation, no government support, just some very cool people)

Day 328 – Beauty continued to decompose

IMG_2251-EditContinuing with beauty. Particularly supportive this at the moment in my life.

Not as I would have problem with beauty or experience something beautiful, I guess it is quite nice. However who I am as life within absolute self-honesty brings up the realization and necessity of purifying this word: beauty to be able to directly experience, live and express without polarity, memories from the past, desires to the future, but anchored into and as this moment, right here, in and as the physical.

Why always bringing up the word and specificity of ‘physical‘?

What do I mean beauty in relation to the physical? Certainly sounds as I would mean to judge someone’s appearance according to the physical image. But it’s quite not.

It is NOT TO judge the person through the mind, about the interpretation of the physical picture, as beyond that there is equality existing on the physical substance awareness level.

In the current world, culture, or even ‘ancient scriptures’ – this is barely mentioned.

Everything of this system guides truth seekers towards consciousness, energy, mind, the light, visuals, bliss and beauty, but the real and ultimate reality is within and as the physical substance awareness level. That is why it is crucial, highly recommended and absolutely supportive to at least grasp this paradigm, which is quite frankly, within it’s full spectrum, still only shared through EQAFE.com, supported with courses of http:/desteniiprocess.com. That is why I keep mentioning it, not of any personal agenda, it’s that awesome! Even with the fact that some interviews are only available for some dollars. Well, running such a website has some costs and the individuals are uploading are normal people, no corporation, government or billionaire behind it. So, for me, it’s rather EQAFE to spend to than for beer or fancy latte in a posh uptown groovy place.

During my entire life, since I’ve gained consciousness, I was looking for answers, truth and actual power, and everything is here, with me, in and as my human flesh also, as that is the only gate, the key which through I can really live. No matter, how beautiful visions, feelings I can experience, but if not lived in the flesh, then it’s just a stimulating simulation. That is why this process of transformation with words within the Journey to Life.
And indeed, takes 7 years, and actually more, but it is the greatest investment one can have as it is directly self here.

This self-purification and re-definition process can open up a more direct experience, relationship, communication and expression, which is not based on what I like and what I do not like, but something much more.

Thus, I become aware of the pattern by being honest with myself through for-GIVING myself the clarity of where and why, how and when I specifically give into self-dishonesty and I genuinely want to stop participating within those patterns. And if I stop, then I can be free of such self-limitation.

My entire life has been vastly stimulated by the idea of beauty, I was also compromising myself to gain, experience and trying to get hooked to the energetic reactions I’ve defined as positive feedback to my own self-created idea of beauty, beautiful, as value, as identity.

The fact that I needed and wanted to be stimulated by experience and feelings in relation to beauty indicates that I am separated from the meaning of beauty through these mind-and thought, and energetic feeling processes, therefore I can only become one and equal with beauty itself, through the mind, but still separated from me. And that is a trap, never satisfying, always changing, unreliable starting point to live by. Therefore to decompose all those thought, reaction patterns and to allow to be vulnerable, to be open and directly embrace and experience the things – beyond beauty. And then to explore, what and how I could re-define beauty, the word and the EXPRESSION, not just an experience of beauty without polarity, to be able to live it without separation and limitation. It’s quite extraordinary process. Just as with each words. That is I walk here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a ‘balancing out’ mode in my mind according to beauty, as whenever I recognize the pattern that I went into judging someone based on looks, such as ‘she is good looking’ – and then to say ‘and she is also beautiful within’. Or ‘she has no beautiful body, but within, she is beautiful. Or ‘she is beautiful, but her pants is ugly’ – meaning there is polarity, good and bad – according to my own preference, thus interest.

I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself to acknowledge that when I go into the ‘beauty within’ about a person, I am balancing out the polarity system in my mind from the judgement of the look, the picture, the image of a person, to be able to make myself believe that I am not only considering the image, the picture, as that would make me feel as someone not profound, only looking the visual and not the actual being within and not realizing that this is all self-manipulation and justification to keep judging based on positive and negative and relate to that within self-interest automatically, and within that not realizing the inherent self-acceptance for pure self-interest existing on a subconscious level.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the value is not real, of what I give into beauty and being attracted to experiences, persons of interest about that self-defined beauty energetic experience to be able to be triggered, because this value is only based on my pre-defined judgements. If I would not be able to recall my definitions, memories, I would lose the entire ‘beauty construct’, thus also indicating, I never really actually ‘had’ it, but I made myself being able to constantly and consistently re-create these patterns within me to experience beauty, through my mind, but never directly – and without asking why not? What is the fear, the loss I do not want to embark to?

I forgive myself that I have not realized that beauty itself is just a word, and what meaning I give to it, that defines and creates my experience, my expression and actual living about it, thus if it is based on compensation, fear, then that will always be part of it, and thus me, which in itself is not the beauty definition I really would like to live.

I forgive myself that I have not realized how and when and why I define myself as opposite of beauty, wanting to be beautiful, but feeling that I can’t, therefore wanting to find a source of beauty so to speak to be able to any time judge it as beautiful, therefore experience beauty and within that not seeing when and why I do that, as when lacking it, or automatically accepting self-definition about defining myself not beautiful, not nice, ugly, unattractive and not realizing that whole construct I never yet explored, forgiven and transcended, because believing that is not significant in my life, but if it is still existing, influencing me today, then it is surely a priority to deal with.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to re-define my rate of beauty according to norms in the world, society, movies, magazines, and based on that seeing some parts of my visual representation as not as perfect as it could be, therefore should be, yet not really doing anything about it, but only judging myself, because within self-honesty, I also see that I should not try to ‘make myself to be more beautiful’ as it is based on a delusion, a fear, and if I would start to act upon it, that would mean that I am more fucked that I can feel myself when simply defining myself not beautiful.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the main reason of the whole addiction to experiencing beauty as not trusting myself, not loving myself, not LIVING myself unconditionally to my utmost potential consistently, therefore instead of doing all I can, when not doing so, judging myself as ‘bad boy’, and within that judge experience activating inner conflict, based on the actual and real self-acceptance within the starting point of doubt, fear – and to deal with that inner conflict, to manipulate and stimulate myself into experiences, for instance with beauty, and here, as what is acceptable in the world system for instance, to ‘have a beautiful partner’. Or to be around people I could automatically judge as beautiful, therefore feeling the value and experience it and no need to look into myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within looking beauty outside of me, I am not taking responsibility for the inner conflict I allow and create and within that also realizing that why need to be beautiful and within that also not realizing that beauty is power as I defined it, therefore compensating power with it.

Within beauty what Power I want to have access to?

Obviously attraction, respect and also more chance to success and better support from others, although not really consciously.

This is also kind of key, especially towards leadership, so I stop here for now, and will continue to decompose the patterns just unfolded.

Meanwhile, enjoy breath, and do not allow self-interested beauty to take over the practical common sense.

Also not the best to balance out beauty with simply saying ‘everyone is beautiful, or a glass of water is beautiful too’, etc – that is still compensating, eventually will create the same construct within. So better to walk through this once and for all.
And yes, beyond, after and through that, still one can express beauty, live beauty, but not in a self-limiting, craving, common sense-blinding way.

Each and every single one of us has to see to what extent should walk through the self-limiting mind patterns, this is mine, do not compare it to yours, best to be just absolutely self-honest with yourself and you can discover what is self-dishonest and thus should be stopped.

After a decade of this process, life is still not ‘easier’ but my goodness, a million times simpler as now starting to be able to KNOW myself and how to deal with points, when to apply how much effort to change a pattern, a behavior, to stop a worry, a fear, a pre-judgement, a self-limitation. Maybe someone else never had any self-dishonesty about beauty, can be(but still worth a try to check). So, that is it for now, thanks, enjoy, bye.