Continuing with Intensity mind decomposition
I introduce a concept of identity. It supports with grounding when tendency to prioritize intensity versus practicality.
Sometimes intensity is required, to accumulate an amount to dominate by energy or force or quantity. Break through a resistance, a wall, a vote, win an auction, etc.
But it does not make sense to keep intensifying for the sake of intensity and the self-generated value of it. Why? Because there is a questionable part within it, which is the self-defined value, based on a virtual velocity, which is in the mind only. Yet influences decisions, the actual, real life influence on not only the physical around one, but what also entails and being shared with others as well.
That’s why, investigating intensity itself can be a key to question identity and a way to rejuvenate value by aligning with real substance, not just an experience, a feeling in the mind, which is completely virtual for each individual separated.
I am going to talk about sex soon. It’s a good example for intensity, because most of the humans are biologically, emotionally and mentally programmed to strive for and value sex within their own, individual, self-created way.
My own personal journey through identity crisis and eventually the support of Desteni community, tools and principles resulted with the realization of that self-limitation and perceived self-separation from all what is here is being manifested by self-definition, participation within reactive, preprogrammed mind-constructs consisting of words; thus walking my own creation timeline backwards is a way to liberate myself from my own delusions and limitations.
That is why it is crucial to investigate all the words I use to see what is my blueprint for certain imagined, already happened, feared from or desired for scenarios, conditions; and discovering the trigger points I understand how I am programmed to behave and think, react and act.
Being addicted to Intensity is a virtual trip as an attempt to stimulate myself by a make-belief value system, through praising and worshipping energy, which I can’t define directly, only by actual avoidance of practical common sense, which then results to deny to focus to the physical, the substance itself.
That’s why many praise consciousness itself, because it’s also a form of mind-energy possession – thus becomes normal and typical to not only question the place and relevance of physical, but denying it’s importance and even existence by being convinced that consciousness is superior and the only relevant thing, meanwhile it’s quite a con to fall within such belief.
We are reaching a time and technological advance, where human labour becoming unnecessary and meaningless through advanced automatisation and the emerging of decentralized autonomous artificial intelligence networks, meanwhile Virtual, Augmented and Extended Reality are not only buzzwords anymore, but becoming part of every day life.
Therefore more and more people will not only being able, but completely willing to live exclusively within virtual realities, while their human physical body and it’s biomass becomes the only reference they have for what sort of identity they can solidify themselves to in order to avoiding being lost within the self-evolving digitalized mind-cloud and fog, literally.
It’s the evolution of consciousness, it’s own interdimensional existence manifested and infested into the physical substance. That’s why most of the humans have no real integrity, dedication and commitment, because everyone is being addicted to the same drug: their own mind.
What it means to be completely alone, to stand as pure, as naked, as empty and as dark as possible within this world, yet not to be of anything, for something, but to simply be here as who we are as life?
So, when I write: self-creation, what I mean is to walk the process of realizing the already being done part of that manifestation, because it’s here, it’s touchable, so to speak, who I am today, what I do, what I feel and what I realize.
The concept of creator, created and creation itself I have to unify with and as self here, otherwise I experience myself as – and existing within – separation through the mind’s interpretation of space and time – as scattered refractions of who I perceive myself to be.
To realize this, the extent and specificity of this state of being is important and each individual’s task ahead And that’s responsibility, power, because I not only get to understand creation, but as creator, I can change creation, myself as well.
My example and support for understanding intensity and identity, as I mentioned before, relates to sex. What I mean is doing sex, not the gender.
It was quite early in my childhood development, when I tapped into sexual energies and started to strive to learn to use it for my own purposes, which were mostly to cope with insecurity, fear, anxiety, doubt and then to strive again for more.
As a kid, many-many nights I could not sleep at nights, because my mind was so vulnerable, I felt like the whole universe with it’s emptiness and vast endlessness is soaking it, and I could not hold onto anything really solid in that time, so I felt meaningless, insignificant and absolutely temporally.
So I was aware of an initial despair since quite early of my years, which was somehow nasty, yet overwhelmingly intense experience.
I could probably blame my poor family, the government, the so called culture for how I perceived living, but what I did was to start stimulating myself in order to create experiences within, to balance out, to neutralize the intensity of this initial insecurity by acts, such as distraction created by sexual energy.
The way I learned to do sex was to get high with this intense aroused mind-state and use the body and mind to intensify this experience.
Not saying that doing sex is not cool – if it’s pure self-expression with no mind, thoughts, feelings, emotions fantasies, expectations, involved, it’s really awesome, but otherwise it’s kind of virtual, self-created, – thus in the most honest way, I could state that if any mind is involved within any sex, no matter if alone or with one or how many partners involved, it’s still masturbation, where others are just kind of toys for intensifying my mind-stimulation with.
In this stimulation-sense, that was what I did – I trained my mind to use sex to lubricate and catalyse energy generation to levels of extreme overwhelming in order to completely distract and separate myself from my every day living, interacting with others.
There are other ways of course to stimulate such thrill, I also played with danger, recklessness and especially drugs, but probably sex remained the primary source for feeding this un-admitted, sort of primal energy addiction.
The identity and alignment of who I perceive and create myself to be is a great support here, because once one understands how the mind works, how energy is created(actually taking from the body), how virtual reality is being maintained by participation with words through activating and feeding thoughts, feelings and emotions, one can literally stop the cycles and start introducing the learning ability to discover values what are not separated or individually worshipped and justified by society, but to focus to a real and always existed unity and truth waiting here to embrace within starting point and expressed through action as well.
Life is like a puzzle, and through our paths, we can solve it if allowing to be absolutely honest with ourselves.
So, how sex assisted me to realize the self-creation responsibility within intensity through identity?
I used to like doing long sex – meaning to learn not to end/ejaculate(as I am a male) through continuous stimulation/intercourse in order to keep doing it for long time, even hours.
I believed in so called tantra, to learn to control myself, to focus to the other, to not give into the temptation of letting the focus and well, sperm go, and that was quite a discipline and actually a sort of enjoyment to explore.
For a while it was a challenge and quite a stimulation.
It was not easy to find a lady being partner within this, as one of my friends/partners explained to me, and as many are like this that she often falls under the control of her ‘pussy-demon’, meaning to get hooked onto this strive for wanting more and more, get to orgasm and then even more and to just wanting to intensify without limit.
I find this definition of ‘pussy-demon’ – or ‘penis-demon’ a cool reference, because it shows that it’s kind of mind-demon, what I create and allow to possess me and then it literally wants to just take over and do endlessly what it’s defined and created to do: do and intensify, experience sex and repeat until the end of time.
Of course, people get tired, exhausted, real life priorities can’t allow to really do it all the time, but still – and I’ve been there – I see that it first feels liberating to explore this to really go into that kind of cave to explore.
But after a while, I have discovered that even if it’s ever-stimulating, in a way kind of self-and the other’s-healing, within itself is empty, hollow and kind of meaningless.
A year ago I dated with a lady, who I did not find as long-term partner-potential, although we did sex for several times and I found that to be awesome, we really did well that, but besides that I clearly saw that this is kind of a mutual masturbation. And it was kind of long as I wanted and within that I realized that it’s me the limit, yet I do not want to continue with her.
And some months passed and I found another lady who with I did see my preference to disrupt – probably as it was her preference and I liked her so much, but she preferred quicker sessions, thus I had to re-configure my intensity-preferences.
And within that I saw self-direction, self-creation in a way and realized that it’s not about intensity what I really seek, so in a way, I was able to let that go. Well, not completely, as I found another ways to still generate intensity within shorter sessions, but that’s the point I mention here: that I can, even if I am not absolutely aware of that – decompose, stop and re-define how to experience things, or intensity itself.
So that assisted me to realize, all the self-definition and identification with ‘long time’ intensity have changed. Although later that partnership has ended, but now I see, I am not bound or preordained to such detail, I not only can adapt but also direct that change. If I am motivated and dedicated to such change.
It’s aspect was also that the nature of relationship was that I was ‘getting’ intensity energy from somewhere else – it was that I am being loved and I can trust – that gave quite some boost – until it lasted and then turned out to be a bubble, what did burst, but the point here is that as we go through these experience-loops – it’s up to us to realize and give birth to awareness of who we are within these experiences and actions and to see if it’s honest to our core or not.
I still can strive for intensity, but the more I focus to decompose these patterns, the more effectively I can snap out of it, before spending – well, losing – so much time within that and to admit – that even intensity is just a distraction from the real points I am trying to avoid to take responsibility for.
So that is a cool point to realize and allow myself to be honest about to see that whenever I want intensity, I am admitting my addiction to energy.
Thus to slow down, even when it’s kind of awesome to intensify, is worthy, because the more I am able to skip and prevent to intensity with my mind, the better I am able to directly connect, to directly feel, experience and act, and that’s something what’s beyond the polarity system of any intensity could determine or better.
Let’s put it this way – until there is intensity in or through the mind within any experience or action – it’s not direct experience or action – no matter if it’s sex or adventure, sport or art – because then I am interpreting, stimulating myself through the mind, thus I am actually separated from the thing I define to be intense – so thus, this is how intensity, if it’s a self-aware thing, itself actually can invalidate any experience.
And I am sure that many people are not just getting hooked on this, but becoming completely consumed by ‘sacrificing to the altar of intensity’ in order to feed their own, personal lack in their mind they want to fill up with – some chooses greed, thus chasing money or power, or fame or even aggression or manipulation – all ways of intensity itself are kind of the same.
Furthermore and most importantly to realize – it really helps to admit by being honest with myself – I try to compensate with intensity an ever-returning insecurity or doubt, fear or unfulfilled desire.
So, for instance when I was able to willingly re-configure my personal preference within sexual preference in regarding to intensity, I did it based on perception of trust and love – thus that’s what I was trying to compensate with intensity in the first place.
And then this can assist and support to realize – I want someone to trust, I want someone to love me, because I do not trust myself fully, I do not love myself unconditionally.
And it’s okay, this is a process, no need to judge myself, especially, because self-judgement also generates energy in the mind – becoming angry at myself, intensifying the moments – it’s actually a self-admitted powerlessness and the anger I experience against myself is also a fable attempt to re-ignite the intensity itself, which is the food of the mind, the power of it’s existence, because I got used to and addicted to my own mind, who is always with me, to help me, to love me, to trust it, because I have never allowed or learned to do so directly with and as myself.
What are the actual points, aspects, dimensions, situations, conditions, words I face with doubt or lack of care, love? How can I assist and support myself and others to see what’s practical self-creation in relation to live trust, live love? These are cool dimensions to word down and explore, prepare and pre-script in order to be able to live in action.
That’s quite a revelation to admit and write down, share and prepare myself to prevent participating within to explore what’s beyond this pattern, who and how I can be. The process is quite simple – keep decomposing any found pattern, ask who I am within this, am I honest with myself about this, keep exploring and if needed: stop, forgive, change and adapt.
So Identity – as Who I am – in terms of past, present and future – that’s up to me, what I am going to accept and allow, and what I do not.
What reasons I hide behind in order to believe that I do not trust or love, or would I need of such in order to truly live. And remember – these are deeper patterns, one needs to often take effort to reveal, admit or discover, as human is quite a master of the art of un-admitted self-deception.
In the meantime, and actually any time, always:
EQAFE is an excellent place to learn about how the mind, consciousness, reality works to assist and support ourselves with more practical understanding to stop self-dishonesty, to start discovering what’s beyond self-limitation.