Day 410 – Working on Courage

 

IMG_0773Foundation – physical body support: chin up, shoulders back, chest forward and straight spine.

It is actually tiresome, after my day often correcting and ‘holding’ my posture – my mid-back feels tired. But at the same time the advantages are obvious: more fluid breathing, physical presence awareness and actually less back pain during computer-related activities.
Mostly worked on my back pull, chest push today, tomorrow continuing with the shoulders pull and chin up – to hold and take time in these positions.

Still feels like I need to get back to normal to ‘rest’ from this tiresome action but it is really great and after only one day it is obvious that I need to gift myself this stance to become my position to always return to naturally.

What is the courage in this – to give myself the courage to keep standing in this posture in physically to support my stand in relation to myself, the world and my mind system to face and deal with anything comes at me, no matter what.

Some weight/body weight training to supports to strengthen the lower/mid back, needs to continue with the shoulder and chest strengthening. Some arm strengthening will also support to balance out the tension I put on to my arms – in general exercises support to release tension and become more relaxed and make the body the proper expression and to balance out the all-day office, at desk postures.

In general, I enjoy moving, dynamically shifting pace and various expressions and it is also a fine way to be with myself, finding inner silence, balance and clarity.

Nonetheless to say – oftentimes the best to combine it with listening to EQAFE interviews – they are the best to accumulate practical wisdom, no doubt.

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the lack of courage I allowed myself to become in regarding to my physical stance, posture and expression through my back, shoulders, chest and chin points – what are supporting me to reflect back and correct within my starting point and expression.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that my current physical representation as of taking the straight and firm position making me tired after a while, also to live courage only being able to apply for a limited time before running out of energy as it is not natural self-expression, but of conditions what run out – instead of finding and living my effortless standing and expressions, effort here meaning no energy, feeling, emotion, thought involved to accumulate any variation of my standing or expression.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself within various situations what carry opportunities of courage to recognize and live, own and express, such as breaking through habits what limit me, what I fall into within automatic reactions and not supporting myself with the courage to be vulnerable to feel the experiences I resist during living courage to stop, to re-align and to start something new.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that my entire physical presence and expression is tainted with ingrained acceptance of lack of courage and that to change is going to take time thus it is not to do it with force and control, anger or any emotions, but without energy, planning, consideration and reality-awareness, slowly but surely accumulating to change day by day, following up that process with writing, self-forgiveness and self-commitments.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become this soldier within myself wanting to WIN and dominate, control and force myself from one experience to another instead of be gentle, intimate, loving and respecting with myself and within that to find the enjoyment and self-trust.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that my perfectionism what have accepted and allowed myself to show as general pattern within my approach to things and in overall Process of Self-realization is a sign and consequence of self-defeat and self-doubt and within that not admitting why not trusting myself and why not opening up the points I hold onto with self-judgement and being shameful, shy and so condescending to myself as it is genuinely proven that as not working tactic.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not pushing myself enough, not doing, not stopping, changing and expanding enough and thus wanting to force changing, out of reality, out of practical common sense and out from actual awareness of what’s within and without and thus creating friction, exhaustion and general positive and negative polarity experiences, instead of finding my balance within calm and consistent presence and not focus on the velocity of my progress, but the quality and consistency of it with always being specific of what is the goal here in this moment, on this day, within this scenario.
  • I commit myself to find realistic and direct specificity within writing and instead of trying and hoping, aligning with a ‘screenplay’ what is to always be absolutely specific, for instance, instead of ‘becoming great at work’ – to name the areas, kind of tasks, direct responsibilities, one by one and to see what that entails, required and have to do to own and become.
  • I commit myself to let go the emotional reaction-based planning, desiring and in general not specific goals, and always to see ahead up to a point what I can design an actual walk-able and measurable path to get there.
  • I commit myself to keep embracing, utilizing and trusting, caring for and enjoying my human physical body as who I am as life without separation.
  • I commit myself to continue with the re-alignment and re-designing of my presence, stance, expression within and as my human physical body to establish support and reference points to live courage and self-trust through aligning my back, shoulders, chin and chest until it is my natural expression without any extra effort.
  • I commit myself to assess and document my process of my physical body support alignment and within that accumulating understanding and experience.

Explore EQAFE – one of a kind exceptional support on self-expansion and general knowledge about the world.

Here are many reviews of those EQAFE Interviews.

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Day 402 – Back to Basics is grand

IMG_3185

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my physical body as a vessel, a tool, a device for placement of my mind consciousness system and not considering IT to be ME as equal as one – in any and all moments consistently.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the tension I make my human physical body carry through my mind’s activities such as worry, anxiety, judgments, desires and procrastination and not seeing the doable solution to understand the source points of those reactions, thought patterns, their trigger points and within each to become aware of the give up, defeat, powerlessness and justification pattern and write what to DO to prevent to fall into those patterns.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only relevant pattern, equation, science what I really need for change, improvement, expansion and power is to truly grasp what it means the 1+1=2 – as within it to see/realize/understand the real power in creation and existence is within accumulation – and thus to realize – what I sow is what I reap – thus to make sure that what I participate within – I am aware of it’s consequence – speaking of my own mind and through that all my interaction in this world.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I am resisting to develop consistency toward accumulation through considered actions, I am accepting my self-limitation and thus I have to investigate why I do that and what is the thought-pattern, self-definition, the emotional reaction I maintain and re-create in that specific situation – thus being able to see the pattern before I am going to be participating within.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that to be able to see a pattern before participating within it requires further understanding which I have to embark onto a journey to discover, which means series of directed actions, such as self-investigative writing, decomposing thought-patterns, opening up old memories so then in the moment I do not have to think of why and what I feel or should do – thus I do not ‘Think who I am, but Knowing who I am’ – and within this practical knowledge is when I do not think in real time, but acting immediately.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to slow down to the degree of being able to see my mind, my thoughts, and justifying it by ‘I need to work’, ‘There is no time for this’ or ‘this is stupid, I just can think myself outside of the BOX and not realizing, THINKING IS THE BOX’ – thus to become honest with myself that whenever I think, involuntarily – it is not me thinking, but my pre-programmed mind puts me into a situation it sees to fit, regardless of is it the best possible way or not, is it the possibly best for me and others, all life or not – and I am the only one who can deprogram it and give it a change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I need to re-start process, BACK TO BASICS, and it is not to be judged, but to be honest with myself and no matter why, or how many times, but if I am slipping from the principled living, to get back to the beginning and start over with the most obvious points, things to write, forgive myself and start self-correcting.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start becoming aware of a pattern and let it go and give it away within thinking or judging that it is now better, fine and get distracted by other points, other reactions, and not realizing that I did not walk this point to the utmost specificity and manifested yet into real, consistent and measurable change.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself, my behavior, my thinking, my desires, my suppression, my reactions, my body, my visual representation, my habits, my taste for things and get distracted and mesmerized by the polarity system with self-definition of positive and negative reactions and not seeing the actual addiction to this energetic reactions, positive feelings or negative emotions, and within that to see that my mind is a self-balancing energetic parasite living off my human life force as the physical body, as the equal and one aspect with all of existence and within that to realize the ridiculousness, limiting and degenerative nature of the mind consciousness system each human accepts themselves to exist through and within.
  • I forgive myself that I have lost the consistent awareness of ‘each and every single human being is equally responsible for the current state of this earth’ and fall into the games of my mind instead of keeping real, present and directive each day, accumulating expansion, awareness and practical change through applying radical self-honesty, self-forgiveness, self-corrective and self-commitment statements to assist and support myself into actual and real physical change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as breath as me, as moment as me.

This is crucial for me, I repeat to write it down.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as breath as me, as moment as me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a way what is not the utmost potential of who I am as life and within that not being absolutely detail-oriented and specific and thus allowing the tendency to generalize, judge and react, instead of keeping it practical, real and doable.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider myself to be equal and one with my human physical body and judging it, reacting to it, and handling it’s weaknesses as something to hate, get pissed off about and not realizing the mirror what it holds to who I accept myself to be as beingness, as the representative and the earth ambassador of Life who I am, just as everyone and everybody else equally as one.

Enjoy EQAFE:

Day 389 – Writing daily is grounding

DSC_0099Today’s realizations

Enough writing about resistances to writing – it’s about walking through the thing step by step. So. Writing. Today. Again.

Sigh. Lot’s of impressions, let’s prioritize. Had some moments of financial confinements and almost feeling like wanting to do(spend) more that I can and had these impulsions to do buy something what is not practical common sense.
What I did was checking all possible angles and to see if there is another way to reduce the cost and still get what I prefer. There was not. So I did let it go.

Another point is to look at – had to re-assess an other financial point and really assisted me to resolve something I was struggling with in the last week.

The point I was facing relates to a ‘feeling’ – from the past wherein I was able to do something and in this situation does not make much sense, yet I wanted the feeling to be available.

  • I commit myself to let go feelings and re-assess everything I decide, experience or get attached to based on feelings, what are merely judgments to experiences and memories and to realize – things can change, so I also should change and not get stuck in the past.
  • I commit myself to do not rely on feelings to be whole and stable but the decision to always be self-honest and if realizing I am not – to dare myself to stop and forgive and re-align and within that to realize that what I lose is merely an experience yet what I gain is self-trust and integrity accumulation.
  • I commit myself to keep walking the process of liberation from feeling energy addiction and to discover the negative experiences of my mind to face and embrace, understand and release – and to realize – all fear relates to self-judgement and thus self-forgiveness of self-judgments is key to releasing self-limitations.
  • I commit myself to keep writing all day I can and not accept justifications and excuses yet not get obsessed with but to apply practical common sense.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get addicted to a feeling and energy experience and within that not realizing that it’s self-created and thus not necessarily supporting me on physical reality level in alignment with what’s best for all participants including myself – but to balance a mind-experience I accept myself to exist within through thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I enjoy letting go ideas and judgements, worries and desires and to see what’s here and trust myself breath by breath.

I also realize that if I do not move and be in and as the physical body – things seem more serious in the mind – thus I also commit myself to move myself, to enjoy myself within those movements, presence and when and as I find myself losing presence, losing breath awareness, losing physical experience, I focus to breathing and moving, expressing and direct living.

I suggest to check out EQAFE – awesome supporting books, audio books, etc

Day 379 – Discipline continued – specificity

P1020210Continuing on Discipline word specificity

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am approaching, dealing with and using WORDS with emotional energetic reaction charge without being aware of it’s origin, influence and consequence and within that also not seeing the importance of the investigation, stopping, re-alignment and change I require to directly LIVE words.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the DESIRE for discipline I invest into is the GIVING UP of direct self-trust and accumulate gambling by trusting constructs in my mind to make me feel, experience and do things, because I am unable to consistently remain within direct self-expression without polarity of my mind, of good and bad of self-interest, due to fear and hope.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that fear is self-interest, thus indication of abandonement of really living within self-honesty, and thus, it’s a great support to reflect back on what is the specificity creating this type of self-dishonesty.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the doubt and self-judgement I create is through the accumulative effect via lack of consistency being here and really wanting to become consistent, yet not laying down the necessary plan, structure and actual effort to manifest that change, every day, no excuse, no justification.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I accept a ‘day off’ from everything, meaning all the work and job, commitment and discipline, I undermine the process of consistency, which, if I look at it, without energy of my mind feelings and emotions, finding it to be a problem and within that acceptance of that problem creating inner friction, with then I have to deal with, putting extra effort to avoidable things.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity of specificity in relation to discipline to describe of what I lack, judge or resist and why, within asking WHY, to see why I ask that why and thus understanding myself, my reality and the solution as well.
  • I forgive myself that I have not admitted the followings I lack within my daily living in regarding to discipline:
    • breathing presence inconsistency due to fall into certain thinking patterns of doubt and worry
    • existential doubt due to financial instability and lack of structured plan execution
    • lack of communication with myself in regarding to partnership, sexuality and intimacy
    • intermittent motivation and progress level about my short-, mid- and long-term commitments, projects
    • temptation of move or not move towards the experiences giving me the least resistance and difficulty
    • complete and throughout level of disregard towards proper structure applied within specific areas of my daily living to support self-introspection, self-discipline, self-forgiveness and self-correction
    • not sharing ‘enough’ of process, as walking, as opening, as explaining – as seeing the potential, yet not stepping into it yet for a reason I did not yet specify

These might seem different topics, but in a way, they are the same – and as I am walking through these pillars, each will support me in standing up within all others, thus creating a halo of awareness taking over from consciousness system towards life awareness.

Based on these openings, what is obvious is that the most practical way is the direct way – for instance with breathing presence discipline – the obvious support is to focus on regular exercises, every day, at the same time – work on the breathing, presence, direct awareness here – no excuse, no distraction, no giving up.
And if points come up – write them down, walk the necessary self-forgiveness, self-commitment and re-align. Rinse and repeat – until I am comfortable here, with myself, unconditionally.

In a way – this is RESTART of Process – Back to Basics(link: EQAFE).

Every day is a new life, this is my Day one – and in a way, all will be until I stand as Life.

The challenge, which I know already, is that the more I am able to discipline myself to ‘become here’ – as it seems as QUIETING my mind, the more points and issues I will start to experience – all the patterns I was able to distract myself from with the daily bullshit self-dishonesty, which prevented me to see the real and relevant points, what I kept giving up about.
It’s like opening the wardrobe and all the things I stuffed in starts to fall out. I used to believe that intensity is key for breakthrough, but the danger in that is that then I work with massive mind-energy accumulations – and they are up and then down, thus I am exposed to that influence, challenging consistency, structured walk of discipline. Not saying it can’t be ‘revelation’, but in general, it’s less valuable as it feels at those intense moments.

Thus, it’s to clarify: there is NOTHING in existence we can escape from – only prolonging the process, thus this is also a DISCIPLINE – to stop and face all them here, in this life.

Every tiny details, of each of self-lie, self-deny, self-suppression, self-delusion or self-interest – our mind and beingness remembers, will support to realize and understand – if we are ready and honest to be able to STOP.

To be honest(pun intended) the capabilities I have became aware of I am able to do with my mind and discipline, more than 15 years ago, by time resulted myself become bully and in a way aggressive towards myself, because by knowing the potentials, yet not living up to those – that is really tough if not dealt with and stopped – and rather focusing to actual change, instead getting lost in the reaction energy vortex.

From Mr Robot TV series, a quote: “When you truly hate yourself, that’s power” – the art of total self-destruction, just you never go down alone with that, but dragging many others too – enraging further within the unnecessary and vicious cycle of self-interest.

That’s why many will ride all of those death-cults until their end: all religions, spirituality – they want to be exonerate from their own existence of manifested consequences, while all they have to do is to truly find self-forgiveness within the action of specificity.

What is an excuse coming up is that it is very thin line to walk on to allow ‘natural learning ability‘ without overthinking versus applying structured self-correction tools – so it’s like I have a thousand computers within me and they all run some sort of program and each has their own specific firewall/defense system, even if they are obviously questionable or even just bad – and to get in, stop those flawed programs, I need to understand the code already running in them, understanding the protection to get through it – and once stopping one – I need to create new code, but one which does not limit me, can grow itself with my presence and alignment of principle for all life equally. That’s why Self-forgiveness is awareness – I become aware of the patterns, the consequences, what I accepted already – so when I am about to do it next time, I remember, I take responsibility, and I prevent myself falling into it again. But for that I need to understand, specifically, good intention is merely nothing here.

It is literally scary to shut down those apparently important life support mind-computer systems of self-definition, self-justification, self-identification programs, but the more I investigate those, the more I see that they allow me to get by, but not truly LIVE.

Many brag about the magical and wonderful consciousness, which seems endless – it isn’t – I am able to see it’s limits, it’s end and it’s flaws – everyone should! –  but what allows consciousness to exist, what is beyond it, what is behind and within all is what we all believed to be justifiable to be separated from – the responsibility for all life equally.

That responsibility and alignment with is going to support to all to find back our ways from systematic limitation towards awareness of infinite life.

It’s easy to stray away – towards energy, towards possession or obsession due to the tendency of volatile sensitivity for energetic reactions in the mind, through the human physical body – thus genuine and reliable support is crucial to find compass and anchor within the process of self-realization.

That is why I committed my life to align with and participate within Desteni community, Desteni I Process online courses, as it is invaluable to find the right path within self-honesty.

Many did walk away from this process as it leads to the very core of our creation, which is challenging, for some it was too much, some got personal, some did fall into some excuse, not applying the simple tools for self-liberation in order to justify why they are right, better or should feel hurt, just because did not establish the proper DISCIPLINE within walking the Process of Self-honesty in every day consistency.

It does not matter what process one walks, if it’s different, has other structure or approach – but eventually everyone has to realize that the only way is through purifying our mind with decomposing, un-learning and re-defining how we live words in accordance of all participant of life equally.

And within that to realize – if one has resistance, judgement, opposition to the word ‘equality’ – it is a construct, there are things behind this pattern, and can lead to much more direct self-liberation. Worth exploring!

To be continued. . .

Day 368 – Trust in Self & daily realizations, not Patterns

IMG_5860Whenever I trust within some thought-construct, I have to realize that it’s based on a stretched mind-state, which I require to maintain, ritualistic mind-possession-like time-looping within the same patterns over and over again in order to be convinced and energized to keep up with it.

On the other hand, where I look at things with common sense, I realize patterns, but recognize their situation-specific effectiveness or disadvantage and I release myself from the constant need of always relying on patterns in general, but if practical, still being able to utilize them to apply awareness – so then what I feel is that I am less busy in my head, more ‘out there’, yet from within there is only this creating and expressing from darkness and emptiness of self, which I find as good. Dark: not in the sense of opposite of light, but something from deep within, which until I do not explore, express – it’s unknown.

Good, in a sense of that’s allowing to live this unknown, where I find new qualities, abilities, and indeed, sometimes weaknesses and mistakes to manifest, but I shall not stop to judge, define or start punishing myself, just because it does not seem to work since a while.

Like the children, to learn to stand up, walk and talk – they do not know giving up, it’s just not an option, but to live!

Today I realized this, well, it’s often a sort of organic process, kind of started yesterday, but as writing it down here, it’s being quantified and solidified, crystalized and thus a more aware substantiation: within my job the fact is that when I progress, I feel enthusiastic, when facing difficulties and not progressing, then I feel tired.
So the realization what was obvious today is towards whenever I would start to accumulate resistance, friction and tension by not progressing, to just literally stand up, walk some steps away, make a distance and just breathe and let it go.

This way, I do not give up, but let go the struggle and the pattern I tried to apply yet did not work – and thus to support the realization that I am not progressing, because I have a closed mindset about a conviction or hope which I keep pushing, while it’s obvious that this is not the solution, so I should just step back one and try something else or somehow differently without any frustration to manifest.

Preventing to have experiences of uncoolness literally saves me from the ups and downs and rather be consistent and effective.

And if I don’t know how I will solve the problem I try to figure out – then it does not mean that I do not need to be aware of what I do and why – but about the how: to allow myself to be completely open – and it’s like ideas come from the darkness – nothingness, almost random, but the direction and will supports them to be situation-specific.

Sounds bullshit to be intuitive software engineer for instance, but in a way this can be applied to any kind of job, even the apparently most mundane one.

Also, today, one of the most degrading job I believed to be, cashier in a hypermarket – turned out to be not so much, just because one cashier lady was behaving absolutely the opposite I believed they supposed to be like: she was not dull, impersonal and monotonic, and she taught me that even there one can be present, actually enjoying and supportive(besides allowing one to pay for the grocery).

So all is being decided and often limited within our minds, obviously, thus it’s immensely important to be able to review and re-adjust our thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Yes, emotions as well – no matter how strongly and automatically one can feel about something with full steam of absolute conviction – beyond that there is history, pattern, repeating and some sort of fear – or desire, but that’s again in a way a doubt/fear-based construct if we really decompose it as well.

Also I had a quite supportive and revealing, containing a lot of ideas and points to consider Desteni I Process online course chat with the course’s buddy(person, who is seasoned within self-supporting techniques and self-honesty to support and reflect) – for instance working on patterns within specific areas of my life – turns out that those are existing within apparently unrelated areas of my life.

For instance the resistance to lead and initiate not only within playing music with professionals, but even within partnership or daily jobs or friendships – and these seem so obvious, but it’s different to assume than directly see, being able to take direct notes and specific adjustments to expand.

And I could list several more points I have realized just today and I definitely should as writing literally substantiates the realization and the specificity of how to live that understanding, thus it’s common sense to write and share every day.

So, that’s why – it’s literally each day a full blast of opportunity to realize, learn, let go and grow and writing substantiates and shares it, thus it’s worth doing so.

https://eqafe.com  – the place to learn about self and life

Day 363 – Intensity as identity – decomposition part 3

IMG_9539Continuing with Intensity mind decomposition

I introduce a concept of identity. It supports with grounding when tendency to prioritize intensity versus practicality.

Sometimes intensity is required, to accumulate an amount to dominate by energy or force or quantity. Break through a resistance, a wall, a vote, win an auction, etc.

But it does not make sense to keep intensifying for the sake of intensity and the self-generated value of it. Why? Because there is a questionable part within it, which is the self-defined value, based on a virtual velocity, which is in the mind only. Yet influences decisions, the actual, real life influence on not only the physical around one, but what also entails and being shared with others as well.

That’s why, investigating intensity itself can be a key to question identity and a way to rejuvenate value by aligning with real substance, not just an experience, a feeling in the mind, which is completely virtual for each individual separated.

I am going to talk about sex soon. It’s a good example for intensity, because most of the humans are biologically, emotionally and mentally programmed to strive for and value sex within their own, individual, self-created way.

My own personal journey through identity crisis and eventually the support of Desteni community, tools and principles resulted with the realization of that self-limitation and perceived self-separation from all what is here is being manifested by self-definition, participation within reactive, preprogrammed mind-constructs consisting of words; thus walking my own creation timeline backwards is a way to liberate myself from my own delusions and limitations.

That is why it is crucial to investigate all the words I use to see what is my blueprint for certain imagined, already happened, feared from or desired for scenarios, conditions; and discovering the trigger points I understand how I am programmed to behave and think, react and act.

Being addicted to Intensity is a virtual trip as an attempt to stimulate myself by a make-belief value system, through praising and worshipping energy, which I can’t define directly, only by actual avoidance of practical common sense, which then results to deny to focus to the physical, the substance itself.

That’s why many praise consciousness itself, because it’s also a form of mind-energy possession – thus becomes normal and typical to not only question the place and relevance of physical, but denying it’s importance and even existence by being convinced that consciousness is superior and the only relevant thing, meanwhile it’s quite a con to fall within such belief.

We are reaching a time and technological advance, where human labour becoming unnecessary and meaningless through advanced automatisation and the emerging of decentralized autonomous artificial intelligence networks, meanwhile Virtual, Augmented and Extended Reality are not only buzzwords anymore, but becoming part of every day life.

Therefore more and more people will not only being able, but completely willing to live exclusively within virtual realities, while their human physical body and it’s biomass becomes the only reference they have for what sort of identity they can solidify themselves to in order to avoiding being lost within the self-evolving digitalized mind-cloud and fog, literally.

It’s the evolution of consciousness, it’s own interdimensional existence manifested and infested into the physical substance. That’s why most of the humans have no real integrity, dedication and commitment, because everyone is being addicted to the same drug: their own mind.

What it means to be completely alone, to stand as pure, as naked, as empty and as dark as possible within this world, yet not to be of anything, for something, but to simply be here as who we are as life?

So, when I write: self-creation, what I mean is to walk the process of realizing the already being done part of that manifestation, because it’s here, it’s touchable, so to speak, who I am today, what I do, what I feel and what I realize.

The concept of creator, created and creation itself I have to unify with and as self here, otherwise I experience myself as – and existing within – separation through the mind’s interpretation of space and time – as scattered refractions of who I perceive myself to be.

To realize this, the extent and specificity of this state of being is important and each individual’s task ahead And that’s responsibility, power, because I not only get to understand creation, but as creator, I can change creation, myself as well.

My example and support for understanding intensity and identity, as I mentioned before, relates to sex. What I mean is doing sex, not the gender.

It was quite early in my childhood development, when I tapped into sexual energies and started to strive to learn to use it for my own purposes, which were mostly to cope with insecurity, fear, anxiety, doubt and then to strive again for more.

As a kid, many-many nights I could not sleep at nights, because my mind was so vulnerable, I felt like the whole universe with it’s emptiness and vast endlessness is soaking it, and I could not hold onto anything really solid in that time, so I felt meaningless, insignificant and absolutely temporally.

So I was aware of an initial despair since quite early of my years, which was somehow nasty, yet overwhelmingly intense experience.
I could probably blame my poor family, the government, the so called culture for how I perceived living, but what I did was to start stimulating myself in order to create experiences within, to balance out, to neutralize the intensity of this initial insecurity by acts, such as distraction created by sexual energy.

The way I learned to do sex was to get high with this intense aroused mind-state and use the body and mind to intensify this experience.

Not saying that doing sex is not cool – if it’s pure self-expression with no mind, thoughts, feelings, emotions fantasies, expectations, involved, it’s really awesome, but otherwise it’s kind of virtual, self-created, – thus in the most honest way, I could state that if any mind is involved within any sex, no matter if alone or with one or how many partners involved, it’s still masturbation, where others are just kind of toys for intensifying my mind-stimulation with.

In this stimulation-sense, that was what I did – I trained my mind to use sex to lubricate and catalyse energy generation to levels of extreme overwhelming in order to completely distract and separate myself from my every day living, interacting with others.

There are other ways of course to stimulate such thrill, I also played with danger, recklessness and especially drugs, but probably sex remained the primary source for feeding this un-admitted, sort of primal energy addiction.

The identity and alignment of who I perceive and create myself to be is a great support here, because once one understands how the mind works, how energy is created(actually taking from the body), how virtual reality is being maintained by participation with words through activating and feeding thoughts, feelings and emotions, one can literally stop the cycles and start introducing the learning ability to discover values what are not separated or individually worshipped and justified by society, but to focus to a real and always existed unity and truth waiting here to embrace within starting point and expressed through action as well.

Life is like a puzzle, and through our paths, we can solve it if allowing to be absolutely honest with ourselves.

So, how sex assisted me to realize the self-creation responsibility within intensity through identity?

I used to like doing long sex – meaning to learn not to end/ejaculate(as I am a male) through continuous stimulation/intercourse in order to keep doing it for long time, even hours.
I believed in so called tantra, to learn to control myself, to focus to the other, to not give into the temptation of letting the focus and well, sperm go, and that was quite a discipline and actually a sort of enjoyment to explore.

For a while it was a challenge and quite a stimulation.

It was not easy to find a lady being partner within this, as one of my friends/partners explained to me, and as many are like this that she often falls under the control of her ‘pussy-demon’, meaning to get hooked onto this strive for wanting more and more, get to orgasm and then even more and to just wanting to intensify without limit.

I find this definition of ‘pussy-demon’ – or ‘penis-demon’ a cool reference, because it shows that it’s kind of mind-demon, what I create and allow to possess me and then it literally wants to just take over and do endlessly what it’s defined and created to do: do and intensify, experience sex and repeat until the end of time.

Of course, people get tired, exhausted, real life priorities can’t allow to really do it all the time, but still – and I’ve been there – I see that it first feels liberating to explore this to really go into that kind of cave to explore.

But after a while, I have discovered that even if it’s ever-stimulating, in a way kind of self-and the other’s-healing, within itself is empty, hollow and kind of meaningless.

A year ago I dated with a lady, who I did not find as long-term partner-potential, although we did sex for several times and I found that to be awesome, we really did well that, but besides that I clearly saw that this is kind of a mutual masturbation. And it was kind of long as I wanted and within that I realized that it’s me the limit, yet I do not want to continue with her.

And some months passed and I found another lady who with I did see my preference to disrupt – probably as it was her preference and I liked her so much, but she preferred quicker sessions, thus I had to re-configure my intensity-preferences.
And within that I saw self-direction, self-creation in a way and realized that it’s not about intensity what I really seek, so in a way, I was able to let that go. Well, not completely, as I found another ways to still generate intensity within shorter sessions, but that’s the point I mention here: that I can, even if I am not absolutely aware of that – decompose, stop and re-define how to experience things, or intensity itself.

So that assisted me to realize, all the self-definition and identification with ‘long time’ intensity have changed. Although later that partnership has ended, but now I see, I am not bound or preordained to such detail, I not only can adapt but also direct that change. If I am motivated and dedicated to such change.

It’s aspect was also that the nature of relationship was that I was ‘getting’ intensity energy from somewhere else – it was that I am being loved and I can trust – that gave quite some boost – until it lasted and then turned out to be a bubble, what did burst, but the point here is that as we go through these experience-loops – it’s up to us to realize and give birth to awareness of who we are within these experiences and actions and to see if it’s honest to our core or not.

I still can strive for intensity, but the more I focus to decompose these patterns, the more effectively I can snap out of it, before spending – well, losing – so much time within that and to admit – that even intensity is just a distraction from the real points I am trying to avoid to take responsibility for.

So that is a cool point to realize and allow myself to be honest about to see that whenever I want intensity, I am admitting my addiction to energy.

Thus to slow down, even when it’s kind of awesome to intensify, is worthy, because the more I am able to skip and prevent to intensity with my mind, the better I am able to directly connect, to directly feel, experience and act, and that’s something what’s beyond the polarity system of any intensity could determine or better.

Let’s put it this way – until there is intensity in or through the mind within any experience or action – it’s not direct experience or action – no matter if it’s sex or adventure, sport or art – because then I am interpreting, stimulating myself through the mind, thus I am actually separated from the thing I define to be intense – so thus, this is how intensity, if it’s a self-aware thing, itself actually can invalidate any experience.

And I am sure that many people are not just getting hooked on this, but becoming completely consumed by ‘sacrificing to the altar of intensity’ in order to feed their own, personal lack in their mind they want to fill up with – some chooses greed, thus chasing money or power, or fame or even aggression or manipulation – all ways of intensity itself are kind of the same.

Furthermore and most importantly to realize – it really helps to admit by being honest with myself – I try to compensate with intensity an ever-returning insecurity or doubt, fear or unfulfilled desire.

So, for instance when I was able to willingly re-configure my personal preference within sexual preference in regarding to intensity, I did it based on perception of trust and love – thus that’s what I was trying to compensate with intensity in the first place.

And then this can assist and support to realize – I want someone to trust, I want someone to love me, because I do not trust myself fully, I do not love myself unconditionally.

And it’s okay, this is a process, no need to judge myself, especially, because self-judgement also generates energy in the mind – becoming angry at myself, intensifying the moments – it’s actually a self-admitted powerlessness and the anger I experience against myself is also a fable attempt to re-ignite the intensity itself, which is the food of the mind, the power of it’s existence, because I got used to and addicted to my own mind, who is always with me, to help me, to love me, to trust it, because I have never allowed or learned to do so directly with and as myself.

What are the actual points, aspects, dimensions, situations, conditions, words I face with doubt or lack of care, love? How can I assist and support myself and others to see what’s practical self-creation in relation to live trust, live love? These are cool dimensions to word down and explore, prepare and pre-script in order to be able to live in action.

That’s quite a revelation to admit and write down, share and prepare myself to prevent participating within to explore what’s beyond this pattern, who and how I can be. The process is quite simple – keep decomposing any found pattern, ask who I am within this, am I honest with myself about this, keep exploring and if needed: stop, forgive, change and adapt.

So Identity – as Who I am – in terms of past, present and future – that’s up to me, what I am going to accept and allow, and what I do not.

What reasons I hide behind in order to believe that I do not trust or love, or would I need of such in order to truly live. And remember – these are deeper patterns, one needs to often take effort to reveal, admit or discover, as human is quite a master of the art of un-admitted self-deception.

In the meantime, and actually any time, always:

EQAFE is an excellent place to learn about how the mind, consciousness, reality works to assist and support ourselves with more practical understanding to stop self-dishonesty, to start discovering what’s beyond self-limitation.

Day 354 – Projection and Responsibility

IMG_0061_hdr_mode_1bogaSuppression vs courage with responsibility
Dis-empowerment vs confidence with understanding

These are so intertwined at the moment, thus walking them together, but at the end, it’s all about dealing with fear.

Most of these points and realizations did not just ‘occur’ to me, I have got assistance from DIP Desteni I Process Online course, Quantum Change Kinesiology and the one and only state of the art education center: EQAFE.

Approaching to decompose self-disempowerment in the form of projection, a.k.a resisting to take responsibility.

Projection is, when I subtly imply that what I experience is not my responsibility, that I have an emotional reaction, which I’ve been exposed to – allegedly – by someone or something, so I am convinced that it’s done to me.

I perceive an experience, an emotional reaction within me, and by looking at the trigger point – or what I think was the trigger point:

I accept what I experience, I submit into the reaction, regardless if it’s good or bad – or let’s phrase like this: supportive or not supportive.

I certainly recognize that something is happening in between me and the world – another person, or something – but I get a conclusion that it’s not entirely me creating this here, which by I PROJECT a certain responsibility of by that I am going to be exposed/triggered to experience something.

The trap with projection is that I am within a mental/emotional state, which is not real, I believe that someone or somewhat else is responsible for what I am within, and thus I don’t consider, I am incapable of realizing the solution, which is changing myself. It’s really a convenient for lazy or coward, ignorant or scared people, because until the projection is not dropped, ‘I don’t need to take responsibility’. – Unfortunately this means limitation, friction, frustration and accumulating consequence of something opposite of great, because it’s based on deception. Self-deception.

Usually it’s easier to recognize, when it’s about something negative I experience.

Recently I have had a Quantum Change Kinesiology session and it was mindblowingly exact on what I have been projecting to someone by identifying the words what really can describe the subtle, unconscious projection.

It really assisted to drop the act of projection, but it’s really just the consequence, -the tip of the iceberg- of a deeper pattern: how I can accept to be subjected, submissive by my self-created and accepted relationships, projected out to actual relationship with others.

It’s about describing real life scenarios, actual experiences, memories and behaviors fitting this pattern with the decision and commitment to take responsibility for to be able to stop and change.

This reveals the deep pattern behind these as self-acceptance and a giving up attitude into a doubtful, submissive and insecure starting point in relation to a lot of things in my life, and actually it’s all based on fear of loss. Fear of losing control and fear of that things would turn to worse than I perceive them to be currently. And not realizing that the reason things are not supportive in the first place, because of this ‘holding onto’ ideas what are good for survival. But this is not living. Big difference.

So. Let’s walk this.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not develop and live intimate and honest relationship with myself, thus not dis-empower and deceive myself with mental and emotional projections, which by not wanting to take responsibility for what I experience but to subtly imply that its all done to me, instead of seeing/realizing and understanding that I only can experience what I create, accept and allow within my mind; what words, emotions, judgments, definitions I participate within and the person or thing I project to is only existing within this scenario as a trigger point for my self-dishonesty.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized when and how I submit into reaction of emotional turmoil wherein I project beliefs, qualities, actions and words to others as if they were like that, meanwhile not becoming aware that it is only my judgement, and as I project those beliefs, delusions to the person, I believe what I project and I act according to what I project, which is not related to reality, thus creating conflict, friction, mis-aligmnent with what’s really here, based on a fear I don’t admit or being fully aware of.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize what is the core point, the starting experience, judgement within what I start projecting by, as when I do, I am not present, I am not here, I am immediately falling into and move with the emotional reaction judgement energy and within that movement being distracted, deluded and only see the trigger point, which then to define as ‘source of experience’ and within that not realizing that I have given permission to my mind to throw experiences to me and thus going into submission, automatic inferiority and within that relationship, not considering and looking for practical ways to stand up to the experience, to become one and equal with it and to decide to stop to see through the veil of projection delusion.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself prior to the moment of projection to name the fear I fall into experiencing and within that to want to avoid it as defining it as bad, and within that definition trying to understand the condition, but with the total acceptance and submission to the experience of reaction of emotional negativity, taking it granted, believing it to be real, accepting it as myself and the act of projection to use to try to define what’s going on and how to avoid this experience, but already accepting the reaction and emotion first, thus as becoming the PROJECTION itself, not seeing it, and becoming the specificity of projection itself, as for instance defining someone to be ‘repulsive’, when I notice someone is not welcoming a certain behavior of mine, but due to my past programming and acceptance, I jump into conclusion based on fear that the other is now ‘repulsed’ by me, so basically painting a worst case scenario in my mind, so then I believe that by this I can ‘handle’ the worst, which is compensating to fear of loss, doubt, lack of confidence.
  • I forgive myself that I have not recognized the pattern of projection as pure self-delusion as I use creativity lost within fear and with the desire of wanting to avoid something, I fall into the emotional reaction of fear so steep, so immediate that I change my perception of reality, but as I want to change actual physical reality, actually I end up only change my own, mind-virtual reality by the conviction of projection: so it’s admitting being incapable of taking responsibility of the actual, real deal of issue at hand, and literally overreacting it and by losing inner balance, I react to my overreaction – the actual, original point becomes unavailable, hidden and irrelevant, thus I end up dealing with my own projection without realizing it’s a projection and not realizing that I have to slow down within, breathe, stabilize to PREVENT giving into fear, reacting to memory, to specificity of trigger point I allow to react to, by forgiving each details of self-acceptance I allowed in the past.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense of specificity of walking through the actual details of fears I give into while ‘falling into’ projections, what is fear of loss, fear of losing control, fear of failure and fear of falling, in relation to partnership, financial status and my overall standing in and as the society, the world and existence.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the continuous self-petrification I accept by fear of making mistakes and fear of failures and within that not specifying what are the worst fears and why I defined those as worst and within that literally ‘facing my demons’ as seeing what I define as I can’t handle, and thus supporting myself to be able to prepare and PREVENT these to accept.
  • I forgive myself that I have not recognized the doubt I give into, the self-disempowering self-distrust by giving into fear and within those moments, when I see the glimpse of actual real truth, fact here, I automatically give permission to my mind to categorize as ‘I can’t handle’ – and to come up with something I am pre-programmed to perceive as I can handle, and within that not realizing that I give up even before I try to deal with what’s ahead, which if I would really see the extent of it, I would realize the gravity of the problem I accept myself existing as, and thus to commit myself to stop doubting myself and defining myself DECIDING TO FACE REALITY AS IT IS and accept making mistakes and failing, but not without first trying with my best to solve.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not good enough for partnership, because I only focus to myself due to my nature and recent decade of experiences of being and standing alone and doubting myself of whenever I am waving and ‘falling back’ to stand alone and thus within partnership not being consistent, and not realizing that it’s a fear of judgement, as fear of being judged, fear of being left, because I chose stability of myself first, always, and not the relationship itself, and within that doubt, not realizing, that this is not selfish, but practical common sense, as relationship consists of individuals, and if I can’t stand individually first and foremost, then I can’t really be a stable pillar of any relationship, thus it’s not real fear, it’s a make-belief fear, a fear of being criticized, or justified to be left, thus I commit myself to stop participating within this fear, but to communicate and share within relationship if there is anything what would waver my stability, how to deal with it and what’s the solution and offer agreement, thus strengthen the relationship and myself as equals.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I am experiencing being judged or rejected, repulsed or punished by anyone, it’s something I accept, I create and maintain, not something what others ‘expose me to’ – thus realizing – it’s on me, not others, and no one can make me feel repulsed, unless I accept to, and within that acceptance, submissive behavior, to see, what makes me to fall into doubt and self-judgement, emotional reaction, which I balance out/suppress/justify by projection, thus I commit myself to not forget this pattern – but to for-give myself to prevent myself to participate and see the relationship with by I doubt and fear, judge myself, thus to specify self-forgiveness, thus to be really become aware of the pattern and being able to STOP.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within projection I give away my power, which is awareness, self-honesty and responsibility, the ability to direct action and prevent consequences I become aware of.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that generalizing judgement based on falling into fear is to try to find and match patterns to which I defined myself as not understanding, not having the ability to apply direction to influence, change and not realizing that by projecting out something I fear from, what I defined that I have no influence over, I actually give into the fear and within that fear, not expanding, not understanding, not finding solution, but to blame and justify, to accept defeat, to submit into experiences to re-loop within emotional friction, instead of seeing the pattern and saying no to participate before ‘falling into’ automatically.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress emotional turmoil, self-judgement and reaction to self-acceptance of existing within worry and fear, without being aware of it and within that not realizing that if I would slow down, to stop, to ask and answer to myself what I really do – then I would see: I exactly know what I am doing and within that to have the courage to take responsibility and make a stand to STOP, with becoming aware, specifically with all details, words, trigger points, reactions, judgments of what I actually do, and thus understanding the mind machine, becoming able to be equal and one with it and to make the stand and just breathe, to not allow it to move.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that self-disempowerment stops when I live the word COURAGE to become responsible for all the automatic mind movements I give permission automatically happen in the name of justification and conviction of trying to cope and manage, control and save from the things and experience I fear facing or being exposed to and within this to realize that self-empowerment is to LIVE COURAGE AS SELF-HONESTY to stop participate in the mind and stop living through it, but directly here, in and AS BREATH, as the LIVING FLESH.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I am able to slow down within to see the pattern before participating in it, I remain present, to see the issue at hand more clearly, without going into the fear/projection/emotional reaction, which would assist and support me to be able to not just see problem, but also to see and carry out solution as well.

Standing as Self as Life – regardless of alone or others – direct support applied here from EQAFE – Abandoned – Self-forgiveness

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within projecting qualities, behavior and attitudes to others, words, what I accepted as ‘I cannot live by myself directly, thus needing someone for that’ and I try to cope with the self-accepted experience of uncertainty, insecurity of I might not ‘get fulfilled about those words’ and submit myself into my mind to hope that it tells me what is going on and within that not realizing that I project out things what are not there, but this way I do not have to deal with the fear of loss, the possibility to lose what I hold onto as defining it’s value within the self-identification and self-definition of this thing I do not want to lose is part of me, who I define myself to be and fear losing as then I would need to see who I am behind, without it, barely myself, facing myself, which I’ve defined as not whole, not soothing, not strong enough.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have defined strength outside of me, defined to become whole to be part of something, to join with someone, thus becoming dependent and relied to have the experience of whole and strength, soothing ONLY when being in relation to something or someone separate from me, THROUGH the definitions and experiences, feelings and emotions, energies OF THE MIND, instead of realizing that this is not direct living, this is a bubble, a delusion, pink sunglasses, which will never last, and the more I struggle to keep holding onto it, the more difficult and stressed, worrisome and submissive I become in relation to the relationship, to my mind and in overall anything but self here directly.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the self-definition of not being strong enough is delusion, an energetic addiction as coming from self-judgement based on memories and imprinting, which I can break through with consistent and disciplined application of specificity within applying, writing and sounding Self-forgiveness to release the suppressed and stored tension within my body and mind, to accumulate understanding and direction to what I commit myself to STOP and the more I stop participate within the mind, the more I see the reality, thus becoming able to deal with it, thus seeing it more clearly, thus more and more being able to become effective to apply practical solutions.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define strength in relation to muscles, how do I look and how much I can lift or do in comparison to other men I saw, read or heard about and within that comparison seeing that I am inferior and not realizing that real strength as self here has nothing to do with physical strength, but as a will, a commitment, a discipline, a real expression of who I am as LIFE and within that what I accept and what I don’t and also to realize that when I would give up or in, into doubt, fear, give up, projection or suppression – it also has nothing to do with physical strength, muscles or how do I look or how much I can lift or endure physically, thus to realize, any time I compare to physical strength in relation to whether to give into self-dishonesty, it’s an excuse, a justification, thus literally lie to myself, which I commit myself to stop.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself not being whole, because not being able to experience, have access to certain qualities, aspects, to live words, and finding the need to rely to, to connect for, to become dependent on others in order to be able to live strength, wholesome and soothing and within that not realizing that this is an experience I give into, and behind the experience, there is a self-creation process, which I do not want to become aware of, because then I would see, that not only I have accepted myself to be created like this, but each and every single time, when being triggered to the same pattern, actually and actively giving permission to my mind, fueling with my beingness acceptance, re-creating the same ‘me’ as self-dishonesty – and within that not realizing that this is the key for the solution: all I need to start doing is to STOP participating within the same pattern with becoming aware of the exact words, reactions, trigger points with absolute specificity, commitment and diligent accumulation of understanding and self-movement to manifest the consequence of breaking the habit of: – defining myself not whole, not strong, not being able to care and love myself directly, and finding practical ways to accumulate and stabilize, expand with and express of living the words of strength, soothing, whole directly.
  • I forgive myself that I have defined women to be needed for experience myself as whole, to define myself existing without woman as not have access to soothing, without the back and forth communication and share with a woman who I trust and respect, not to be able to experience strength as I have defined myself being alone as a lone wolf, a wanderer, someone without being roots, interpersonal commitment or interest; instead of realizing that if I define and give myself ‘roots’ and purpose with a woman, then I am consistently accepting a dependency, which as in it’s relationship form directs me and I hold onto, thus accept self-compromise and self-dishonesty, thus I let all go and create relationship, connection without polarity, without wanting to fulfill what I lack within self, but to see how can I live words directly.

This is it for now – so walking from submitting into projection towards taking responsibility to see the patterns and the reason to be submissive within the experience of lacking and being unable to have access to experience and live specific words and within that belief, to depend on, hope for and submit myself into relationships based on fear of not being able to ‘LIVE’ or fear of losing what I believe I have of such.

Projection is really a trap, let’s clarify: it’s unacceptable, and ‘luckily’ Desteni I Process and EQAFE provide quite a detailed, structured and specific understanding to be able to stand up to it and being able to break the cycle and start accumulating self-trust and self-honest honoring Life as self as equal as one.