Day 339 – Energy: Admitting facts for Self-Change

webContinuing with the energy craving mentality decomposition

Its a great opportunity as at the moment getting really tired and this is when usually can this mentality be noticed.
It’s when I want to experience intensity, sense of movement, energetic experiences, excitement, tension and in overall kind of a ‘high’. Well, it’s not self-expression, as it is to compensate, to distract and actually entertain and self-stimulate, in a way simulate living, which I do not do and accepting myself not living with the mesmerizing energetic experiences I keep re-creating. Thus let’s change it!

I directly apply Self-forgiveness on upcoming points. At times I still see that I have conflict within, thus need to continue with the understanding.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself in relation to the energy craving mentality within my mind, which is almost literally ‘can attack’ when I am in doubt that I did not do all I could for the day or when I feel that I am feeling tired, but I feel that I should do more today.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that it’s not about ‘today’ what I did – as obviously if I make ‘today’ longer, then ‘tomorrow’ must become shorter as I can’t cheat time, and meaning I try to use the unit of time to compensate with the already obvious, yet not self-admitted realization that I feel as I did not do all I could, but I want to, I should to and in a way I also would do, yet feeling tired, exhausted, thus I want to feel energetic, thus I should feel the need to stimulate myself to literally ‘generate’ energy within my mind by specific patterns to participate within just to feel the day longer and within that not realizing that the fear, as it’s source is actually in the center of it all, which actually sabotages direct and effective application for the things I fear not progressing with.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that there is a mind-trick I apply with myself all the time, which is that I slice up time and creating ‘progressing’ moments and ‘let go’ or ‘give in’ moments and within this system I am not in direction and it’s basically similar construct to the spiritual/divine moments which then prioritizes moments, and when participating within the ‘not focused, self-directive’ moments, at the same time accumulating frustration and inner conflict of ‘not doing enough’, which then wanting to compensate once it’s reached a threshold, or the end of the day is coming at night, when being tired and sleepy.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am not realizing the practical common sense and the direct solution to my re-creational self-sabotaging frustration and feeling of ‘not doing enough’ experiences, which is to not give in to the ‘give up’ moments to participate, and not create judgements, frustrations in the first place, yet to be honest with myself within self-direction to see what are my needs and wants within absolute, brutal self-honesty, and if I would see needing entertainment for example, just give it to myself within my own direction, not as ‘give into’ by suppression, desire and fear of missing out, then falling into it and then losing discipline and direction.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the simple solution for my energy addiction is to be honest with myself of what I want or need, desire or strive for and then to check each and every single one of these with common sense and to see which is supportive, which I can ‘afford’ in terms of prioritizing my time and resources, effort and participation and then if it’s applicable, to ‘give’ it to myself, or if its not supportive/doable at the moment, then to decide to postpone – or if it’s not supportive at all or doable, then to let it go, forgive and focus on directly working to really let it go actively until I am clear, here, present without temptation or desire, suppression or fear(of missing out).
  • Basically be practical and structured, organized and considerate.

There are not many ‘things’ what I can fall into with suppression but in overall the reason is a self-identification, self-perfection-related self-image superimposed to who I am currently – thus there is a ‘rift’ between actual and with what I deal through my mind of myself.

Sounds creepy, although it’s a typical human thing, to not clearly see who we exactly are, but with some pink or even grey glasses so to speak, so the first step is to see actual facts and thus becoming able to work with those to align and unify all of self here through decomposing and forgiving, re-defining and re-aligning the words with I perceive, experience, express and live in the physical.

For instance if I look at honestly – I can judge myself on ‘watching TV series‘ – it can take a lot of time, it’s just entertainment, while sometimes I can do other things, but if it’s interesting I just watch – and if not interesting, I do not watch actually, so it’s time consuming – if my priorities do not progress as should, I can feel ‘uncool’ about it.

Justifications and excuses also can and should be investigated and dealt with – such as ‘I had hard working day, let’s relax’, ‘I am too tired to do anything constructive’ or ‘It’s so interesting story, relates to my life’, ‘Just one episode, or while I eat, or do this or that’…etc – it’s OK to do do it, but if I feel not good about it – I create problem within about it. And if I just let it go and ‘give in’ – and just watch without worry of other things do not progress because of this – then I might feel bad about those anyway – so no escape from self actually, not for long anyway…thus better to get clear on this…

Well, its often so subtle – ‘uncool’ – see, not as ‘bad’ – just not so cool – as there is suppression – I have this judgement, negative emotion, instant suppression – all in a split second – and then I am ‘clear’ – but it happened, it accumulates somewhere and doing it enough times and it grows to the point of not so suppressed, but as an issue.
Then all of the tiny emotional suppression altogether stand up and say HELLO – and then I can’t ignore it, well, I can’t even do anything else as I just feel that I have this tidal wave awakening within me and I have to deal with it, and man, that’s tiresome and time consuming – and then I am exhausted, spent time with: not with priority, and then dealing with my inner waves, and the (to)day comes to it’s end and I am tired, yet did not progress with things as I wanted to, and that’s the point and inner conflict of what I write about to recognize, decompose, forgive and prevent.

I mean, when hearing stories about ‘extremely effective/successful men and their actions in the world’ – they might have had similar problems but could overcome and become one whole expression to do what they committed to do, thus become very effective with – it’s not impossible, just needs structure, self-honesty, motivation, direction and self-supporting tools and apply it, one step at a time to become unified within to be able to do what one really wants. Would I also want to become this ‘very effective/successful? I do not accept self-limitations and committed to find out my utmost potential, which means to keep exploring, understanding, growing!

Well, as I mentioned, the only way is to roll up my sleeves so to speak and get into the specific details to the utmost. Here meaning of what exact topics, points I judge myself as wanting to be different than I am actually – or within that want, actually seeing myself differently as I am – here the ‘fake it until make it’ does not work, thus better to change directly than to pretend, and it starts with admitting flaws, dishonesty, mistakes.

Just a short story – my father had drinking problems and later mental health issues too – but he kept avoiding to admit these, so he was ignoring facts until grew up on him to the extent of literally losing himself and his life with the overwhelming experiences of the accumulated things he never took responsibility for.

Thus, to admit problems – is although difficult, uncomfortable, can be even shameful for a moment, yes, but necessary to align with reality, and in fact can assist and support to realize the extent of self-dishonesty and self-compromise I allow myself to live within, and thus to really decide and stand up to change.

And ‘watching series‘ is just one example – although the things I experience are complex, as can relate to to my human interpersonal relationships, difficulties to be dealt with in family, at work, career, daily things, sexual desire or suppression, bully, any doubt, distrust, to see how the world is and face sadness, shame, or in overall questioning direction of my life, or financial, money points to face – each to deal with, while not get exhausted, overwhelmed, thus to balance it out with staying healthy, effective and growing, live with enjoyment, enthusiasm and innocent yet responsible and be open and able to share insights, support – it’s an art, but the key to it all is to learn and live being honest with myself, as if this one point I ever miss, then I actually can miss ‘myself’ within it all, which then start manifesting ‘glitches’, ‘reactions’, ‘frustrations’, ‘self-judgement’, ‘frustrations’, then manifesting worries, fears, then desires, etc…

One breath at a time to walk through points – and although there are many dimensions, take one thread, which bothers the most, and walk it through – and probably open another dimensions, insights, but I keep disciplined on walking this through – and if necessary, I hold this point – and clear out another what is necessary, and once that is clear, I understand myself on why and how I do what is not supportive, then I forgive, and move on with the initial point. Sounds simple. That’s why writing is key – not just thinking through, but to walk a point, word by word, the thread of Ariadne – of sanity, self-honesty and self-direction is writing here to see the patterns as I unfold with being honest with myself until all the maze of my consciousness is mapped and I see the pattern, the way in and out and I change the maze to be direct and simple, yet supporting and effective.

So, one step ‘closer’ to see directly the patterns with I create these energy craving spirals within what are getting more and more rare, less and less intense, but still way to understand, decompose, forgive and prevent myself participating, and it also entails on how to live what I not yet, but I could and actually wanting to.

AWESOME support on this and another topics at EQAFEhttps://eqafe.com/

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Day 333 – Worry and dealing with it

IMG_0532Today writing about Worry. I think I have been trough this recently.

I am stable in this moment, thus it’s time to look back, what was happening, why and to see, how to move forward from this.
I have committed myself to do several things of what I never did before and while finding my stable ground, learning practical experiences within these various ‘new’ areas, I am facing with some stumbling experience within.

I must clarify – I am much more stable than I ever was before, but still there is place for improvement, which might seem as some sort of obsession and mental fixation to strive for Self-Perfection, but it is nothing of that kind. It’s simply by looking into me and to answer the question –

Am I absolutely, brutally self honest about this very specific point I am looking at in this moment?

And if no, then I must change, otherwise I accumulate acceptance of self-dishonesty – willingly, which leads to where I exactly know what is, as I’ve been there before, that’s where I am actually ‘coming from’ here, also through this blog sharing, The Journey to Life, from self-dishonesty to dignity and honoring the best possible version of myself.
Recently I wrote a letter to someone, wherein I explained this (actually it’s a desteni interview with Gurdjieff, who I quoted, but that 2-3 minutes assisted me tremendously, thus I like to share it, maybe someone else also could find it supportive.)

The time for unification is here, I like this word, that’s why it’s my blog’s title as well, what I started in 2008: because if I put myself into and as these words:

I am already a unified man.

Then from this starting point I am able to see, feel and understand what I still have to open up, purify, remove and let go of from my core of my very being and thus to move forward, consistently without any doubt.

Worry, fear, doubt, uncertainty, fear of loss are certainly not unknown for me, especially within my conscious, thinking mind, thus I have the ability to deal with them in a way, what’s constructive and not just distraction and suppression, but actual, problem-preventive solution.
What I feel nowadays is a bit different, it’s more physical, deeper and direct as now my conscious mind is not blocking my way to do what I really want, but when I face with new situation, I can definitely hear my heartbeat in my ear and to realize that I only have myself in this moment to apply.

It’s similarly heightened experience, when one would imagine being in the jungle among wild animals and it’s about being in this moment, but not too afraid, because that would petrify or distract me.
It’s actually very self-empowering to see that who I really am is not really getting hurt or getting disappointed with rejections, mistakes or failures, as my current situation is not surviving in jungle against beasts, so it’s just a symbolism.

But still, there is this inherent, physical, resonant worry I feel and often it goes away as I move through it and I discover ‘an unknown’, I learn and expand, and some returns from time to time, until I do not become honest with myself about it and find a practical solution.
I used to be addicted to fear, at least a decade ago, I proudly shouted to anyone, I am not afraid of anything, but in fact, first and foremost, I was so afraid from myself, to be present, honest and truly open with myself. It’s so obvious, that if someone does not fear anyone, can face the worst in this world – they still can be afraid of themselves, it’s completely different scenario.

Actually, also myself, I was fueling my acting out as of not-fearing in the world by the inherent inner fear I constantly experienced on a physical, resonant level, just in relation and towards myself, here.
Sounds horrible, but I am sure of many, many people can relate to this, just maybe never explored their word-set to be able to write or say it as directly as exists.

Facing all I’ve ever done, from the nasty, the selfish, the evil – even if I am being considered as such a nice guy, each moment matters, not only in the mind, but within and as our physical body we accumulate. Each thought, feeling and emotion is being created, going through and essentially affecting, influencing, in a way transforming our own body, every day, hour and minute, constantly. Literally resonating, like a sound vibration energy, and thus, to believe that it does affect would be just unwise.

To be able to face, understand, stop and start changing our conscious mind, when the so praised ‘no thoughts’ can start to expand is just the first step within true transcendence of self-dishonesty and self-limitation.
It is, and always was and will be, our human physical body, the source and destination, which through – and as – we only can truly live in each moment.

After(and still) walking Desteni I Process courses since several years now, I see, that there is so much ahead, but without these years I’ve already walked, I still would be lost within my mind.

So, in short: physical body support, there are many more minds to transcend. The greatest ever made online ‘university‘ about transcendence, true psychology and the science of the human psyche is obviously EQAFE.COM.
There is nothing even slightly similar online what could be compared to this vast amount of theoretical and practical information database about how humans work from the consciousness and mind level.

I am grateful that this exists, especially the group behind it, who are truly inspirational within their consistent and restless effort to keep sharing more and more refined and relevant interviews to support real change and the betterment of humanity.
This is what I am going to do also: for my personal experience, resonant worry, facing the physical mind, to be able to take responsibility for this type of self-resistance and limitation, I check for interviews at EQAFE.COM.

After a minute, I’ve found a lot of support about worry:
https://eqafe.com/p/self-forgiveness-on-the-experience-of-worry

I just read this aloud several pages – I understand more about the nature of my worry, as walking through various aspects, starting points and dimensions of worry and I saw my own fear of loss, wanting to control, which then I can open up further to assist and support myself to be able to use my time much more effectively than spending it to useless, actually counter-productive worry.

So, even when I am not actively thinking about, still worry can be result of participating within it in the past and can be triggered by scenarios, experiences and it might even seems to be so direct that I could believe(justify) that this is so inherent that it’s part of me, who I am, but in fact it’s self-dishonesty to say something like that.

Also when people, parents justify their worry to the point of becoming ineffective, it’s self-dishonest.
I also see now, to look after a child, and when does something dangerous in the moment, it’s kind of scary, I have to jump to catch him, otherwise would suffer an accident. But I see that worry does not help, rather to be on point, disciplined, focused, present and to ensure that I do all I can to prevent the problems I would worry about.

  • So this is also a great way to transform, re-define worry, to use it creatively, with active, self-directed imagination, not that I would allow it to roam free and I become this worry-wart.
  • When I see worry, I stop, see what is the nature, subject and relationship of it and I see what I can do to ensure, this is prevented?And to also actually see, that there is place for worry if I am not doing everything I can to prevent the thing I worry about to happen.

Well, it’s actually common sense, as if I do all I can, there is no place and time for worry, right?

  • So whenever I worry, it’s a cross-referencing self-reflection point of I am not focusing to solution/prevention, thus I should re-align, self-forgive and initiate self-directed action.

Another support about worry:

Yes, for these interviews/documents, there is a price, but if I look at that an ordinary dinner in Europe is about 15-20 Euro, so to be able to stand up to and learn a lot about how to deal with worry, for a lifetime – I’d gladly support those, who do every day work for these interviews to become on-line(they are no corporation, no government support, just some very cool people)

Day 328 – Beauty continued to decompose

IMG_2251-EditContinuing with beauty. Particularly supportive this at the moment in my life.

Not as I would have problem with beauty or experience something beautiful, I guess it is quite nice. However who I am as life within absolute self-honesty brings up the realization and necessity of purifying this word: beauty to be able to directly experience, live and express without polarity, memories from the past, desires to the future, but anchored into and as this moment, right here, in and as the physical.

Why always bringing up the word and specificity of ‘physical‘?

What do I mean beauty in relation to the physical? Certainly sounds as I would mean to judge someone’s appearance according to the physical image. But it’s quite not.

It is NOT TO judge the person through the mind, about the interpretation of the physical picture, as beyond that there is equality existing on the physical substance awareness level.

In the current world, culture, or even ‘ancient scriptures’ – this is barely mentioned.

Everything of this system guides truth seekers towards consciousness, energy, mind, the light, visuals, bliss and beauty, but the real and ultimate reality is within and as the physical substance awareness level. That is why it is crucial, highly recommended and absolutely supportive to at least grasp this paradigm, which is quite frankly, within it’s full spectrum, still only shared through EQAFE.com, supported with courses of http:/desteniiprocess.com. That is why I keep mentioning it, not of any personal agenda, it’s that awesome! Even with the fact that some interviews are only available for some dollars. Well, running such a website has some costs and the individuals are uploading are normal people, no corporation, government or billionaire behind it. So, for me, it’s rather EQAFE to spend to than for beer or fancy latte in a posh uptown groovy place.

During my entire life, since I’ve gained consciousness, I was looking for answers, truth and actual power, and everything is here, with me, in and as my human flesh also, as that is the only gate, the key which through I can really live. No matter, how beautiful visions, feelings I can experience, but if not lived in the flesh, then it’s just a stimulating simulation. That is why this process of transformation with words within the Journey to Life.
And indeed, takes 7 years, and actually more, but it is the greatest investment one can have as it is directly self here.

This self-purification and re-definition process can open up a more direct experience, relationship, communication and expression, which is not based on what I like and what I do not like, but something much more.

Thus, I become aware of the pattern by being honest with myself through for-GIVING myself the clarity of where and why, how and when I specifically give into self-dishonesty and I genuinely want to stop participating within those patterns. And if I stop, then I can be free of such self-limitation.

My entire life has been vastly stimulated by the idea of beauty, I was also compromising myself to gain, experience and trying to get hooked to the energetic reactions I’ve defined as positive feedback to my own self-created idea of beauty, beautiful, as value, as identity.

The fact that I needed and wanted to be stimulated by experience and feelings in relation to beauty indicates that I am separated from the meaning of beauty through these mind-and thought, and energetic feeling processes, therefore I can only become one and equal with beauty itself, through the mind, but still separated from me. And that is a trap, never satisfying, always changing, unreliable starting point to live by. Therefore to decompose all those thought, reaction patterns and to allow to be vulnerable, to be open and directly embrace and experience the things – beyond beauty. And then to explore, what and how I could re-define beauty, the word and the EXPRESSION, not just an experience of beauty without polarity, to be able to live it without separation and limitation. It’s quite extraordinary process. Just as with each words. That is I walk here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a ‘balancing out’ mode in my mind according to beauty, as whenever I recognize the pattern that I went into judging someone based on looks, such as ‘she is good looking’ – and then to say ‘and she is also beautiful within’. Or ‘she has no beautiful body, but within, she is beautiful. Or ‘she is beautiful, but her pants is ugly’ – meaning there is polarity, good and bad – according to my own preference, thus interest.

I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself to acknowledge that when I go into the ‘beauty within’ about a person, I am balancing out the polarity system in my mind from the judgement of the look, the picture, the image of a person, to be able to make myself believe that I am not only considering the image, the picture, as that would make me feel as someone not profound, only looking the visual and not the actual being within and not realizing that this is all self-manipulation and justification to keep judging based on positive and negative and relate to that within self-interest automatically, and within that not realizing the inherent self-acceptance for pure self-interest existing on a subconscious level.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the value is not real, of what I give into beauty and being attracted to experiences, persons of interest about that self-defined beauty energetic experience to be able to be triggered, because this value is only based on my pre-defined judgements. If I would not be able to recall my definitions, memories, I would lose the entire ‘beauty construct’, thus also indicating, I never really actually ‘had’ it, but I made myself being able to constantly and consistently re-create these patterns within me to experience beauty, through my mind, but never directly – and without asking why not? What is the fear, the loss I do not want to embark to?

I forgive myself that I have not realized that beauty itself is just a word, and what meaning I give to it, that defines and creates my experience, my expression and actual living about it, thus if it is based on compensation, fear, then that will always be part of it, and thus me, which in itself is not the beauty definition I really would like to live.

I forgive myself that I have not realized how and when and why I define myself as opposite of beauty, wanting to be beautiful, but feeling that I can’t, therefore wanting to find a source of beauty so to speak to be able to any time judge it as beautiful, therefore experience beauty and within that not seeing when and why I do that, as when lacking it, or automatically accepting self-definition about defining myself not beautiful, not nice, ugly, unattractive and not realizing that whole construct I never yet explored, forgiven and transcended, because believing that is not significant in my life, but if it is still existing, influencing me today, then it is surely a priority to deal with.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to re-define my rate of beauty according to norms in the world, society, movies, magazines, and based on that seeing some parts of my visual representation as not as perfect as it could be, therefore should be, yet not really doing anything about it, but only judging myself, because within self-honesty, I also see that I should not try to ‘make myself to be more beautiful’ as it is based on a delusion, a fear, and if I would start to act upon it, that would mean that I am more fucked that I can feel myself when simply defining myself not beautiful.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the main reason of the whole addiction to experiencing beauty as not trusting myself, not loving myself, not LIVING myself unconditionally to my utmost potential consistently, therefore instead of doing all I can, when not doing so, judging myself as ‘bad boy’, and within that judge experience activating inner conflict, based on the actual and real self-acceptance within the starting point of doubt, fear – and to deal with that inner conflict, to manipulate and stimulate myself into experiences, for instance with beauty, and here, as what is acceptable in the world system for instance, to ‘have a beautiful partner’. Or to be around people I could automatically judge as beautiful, therefore feeling the value and experience it and no need to look into myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within looking beauty outside of me, I am not taking responsibility for the inner conflict I allow and create and within that also realizing that why need to be beautiful and within that also not realizing that beauty is power as I defined it, therefore compensating power with it.

Within beauty what Power I want to have access to?

Obviously attraction, respect and also more chance to success and better support from others, although not really consciously.

This is also kind of key, especially towards leadership, so I stop here for now, and will continue to decompose the patterns just unfolded.

Meanwhile, enjoy breath, and do not allow self-interested beauty to take over the practical common sense.

Also not the best to balance out beauty with simply saying ‘everyone is beautiful, or a glass of water is beautiful too’, etc – that is still compensating, eventually will create the same construct within. So better to walk through this once and for all.
And yes, beyond, after and through that, still one can express beauty, live beauty, but not in a self-limiting, craving, common sense-blinding way.

Each and every single one of us has to see to what extent should walk through the self-limiting mind patterns, this is mine, do not compare it to yours, best to be just absolutely self-honest with yourself and you can discover what is self-dishonest and thus should be stopped.

After a decade of this process, life is still not ‘easier’ but my goodness, a million times simpler as now starting to be able to KNOW myself and how to deal with points, when to apply how much effort to change a pattern, a behavior, to stop a worry, a fear, a pre-judgement, a self-limitation. Maybe someone else never had any self-dishonesty about beauty, can be(but still worth a try to check). So, that is it for now, thanks, enjoy, bye.

Day 322 – Leadership opening up

IMG_1679Last time I was writing about being awkward. If I look beyond that self-limitation, there are a lot of points what I was suppressing as well.
Let’s look one particular point what started to open recently.

I was listening three of amazing EQAFE support interviews in regarding to Leadership

(links at the end of this post).

I’ve been circling around this word since a while and within my DIP PRO course assignment also pops up from time to time and the more I become honest with myself, this is an aspect of me, seeing the potential on how to expand with it, but it is also becoming clear that there is much work to do in order to birth that potential into life.

Thus, walking some memories, decomposing some constructs of my own relationship and personality of the word and it’s meaning of LEADER and LEADERSHIP.

Right away, there has always been a controversy of two opposite opinions about this within me: since my childhood, all I ever wanted is to have more power, possibilities and freedom, while on the other hand I have been accumulated so much willingness and desire to directly lack, deny and escape responsibility.

After many years, here I am and already realized that responsibility is the only way which through I can be really free of my self-limitation and powerlessness, thus since a while I specifically aim parts of my life wherein I am directing myself to open up and realize: where I am still not taking responsibility for myself and then(or at the same time) the world as well.

So I start with walking Self-forgiveness immediately, instead of sharing a lot of memories, because that is not really required here to start to see, as this point I have focusing to since a while in reflection to things happening in my personal, interpersonal and global life events, so I just directly apply practical understanding through actually taking responsibility with seeing what I have not yet acknowledged, but in a way, in the background, I have always known.

Self-forgiveness

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire leadership, to become a leader and not being honest with myself to see that this desire is fueled by my own powerlessness, insecurity and wanting to compensate values, aspects, abilities and personality traits of others, who I defined as more than who I perceive myself to be.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want power and efficiency, but not wanting to take responsibility for who I am, for the reactions, thoughts, feelings and emotions are happening within me, overwhelming, distracting, dis-empowering me, but directly wanting to exert power into the world, because then others would see how powerful I am and based on their reactions, I would feel myself more powerful.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself to see/realize/understand that I want to seem as powerful in order to be judged as powerful, so then based on judgements, starting to believe that indeed I am powerful.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the polarity-energy play within myself as wanting to experience ‘positive‘ judgments about me in relation to leadership and power to COMPENSATE the already existing ‘negative‘ judgments/beliefs/self-definitions within me and not realizing the common sense to stop/remove the ‘negative’ directly with self-honesty and self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-commitments to change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve defined people in leading positions as something I could be good at without actually understanding what they do, what qualities they live and how.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that leader, as the word itself explains itself, meaning that the one, who leads the way, which mostly means to initiate, to move first, without anything or anyone outside of themselves and that requires self-trust, self-knowledge and self-dedication, which I never considered to see it as actual qualities I can learn, but as being not my type, not my personality, not my way and not realizing that these are simply excuses and justifications of why I should give into the resistance to face and change my personality if I do really want to be a leader.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that my initial desire to become leader comes from the realization that I allow myself to be leaded by forces outside of me, even when I do not want, I do realize that it’s not supporting me, thus to compensate/fight that powerlessness, started to grow a desire for power and leadership.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that ANY leadership starts with self, self-leadership and to deal with myself, my inner representation, my mind, my personality, my ‘demons’, so to speak, the patterns what constitute the chance to compromise my stand, to doubt myself, to give into resistances, to not want to change, initiate, move.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that my resistance towards leading, leading systems, others is the manifestation of the resistance to lead myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that until self-leadership will not spread and become a living expression of all individuals, there always will be leaders, which means master and slave relationship.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that leading is not about the power as it is mostly given, and if one does not live with that given power well, it might or will be taken away – even if it’s about self-leadership and self-given power – any doubt, resistance, fear can compromise that power.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to take responsibility for what and who I am and within that to realize that I can change if I decide so, and the very fact that I am not changing is the indication and proof of that I am not taking responsibility and thus accepting my limitations to direct me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy leaders around me by what I perceived as having access to power and thus wanting to be leader and only looking what they have but not questioning the process they actually became leaders with what qualities and actions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only thing stops me from being leader is the self-sabotage of not leading myself first.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not yet ready to become a leader and within that not seeing what actual justifications I hold onto, what makes that belief within me.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the postponement of actually walking the path of a leader is the belief that first I have to become perfect, then once I am ‘ready’, then I will lead and within that not realizing that there is no perfection without making mistakes first and the ability to admit and change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized, named and worded the actual excuses and justifications I am holding onto for not taking responsibility to lead myself, to initiate movement and change within myself and the world as equal as one in a consistent practical application.

Conclusion

So, this should do as a start, at the end the realization came to the surface that I actually have to list up the points I perceive as blocking me to lead myself effectively.

I start with a brief list here and I will continue in the next post with this fascinating topic.

  • The belief that once I become a leader, I will have less time for entertainment and to actually do what I like, such as learning, investigating, discovering.
  • The belief that first I have to face all my demons to not get into any possible compromising situation ‘out there’ in the world.
  • The belief that I am not stable and consistent enough
  • The belief that my communication skills are not yet effective enough
    The belief that I am not yet walking a supportive, enjoyable and stable partnership with someone first
  • The belief that I have to remain somewhat alone and secluded in order to become someone who will not compromise leadership and responsibility first versus personal interest, such as relationship and family and it’s a friction within between wanting partnership, but only if it’s not compromising my ‘plans’ and having the belief that I should not care about such details, but only focus to my ‘plans’
  • The belief that I am not direct, in a way ruthless or impersonal enough and being vulnerable for people to be able to influence me with their social skills, beauty or my insecurities

These are just a few and some of them are already seem ridiculous for me at the moment I write them down, so at first sight they do not seem relevant or real problematic, but still: came up, thus worth writing down and to see what is behind that particular belief.

Just like with fears and phobias – many people hold onto so many kinds of fears without even being aware of how ridiculous it might seem if the person would actually take the effort to write it down to see in front of them.

A point I see worth mentioning in regarding to fear:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from jumping into action in regarding to leadership, which is the fear of making so big mistakes that would manifest irreversible consequences, what could sabotage my intention, direction towards leadership.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I focus to the fear and it’s resonance, I do not look at the point I fear manifesting, I do not see if it’s realistic, what I can do to prevent it, but I spend time to not move, not act, but only react within.

And the last should be this:

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within seeing the initiative to become leader, but not actually specifying of what kind of leader within what ‘field’ I want to lead, initiate, move change, thus it’s all abstract, undefined, un-graspable, which is to protect my level of involvement with leadership, which is only self-stimulation, not actual reality-walking and manifesting.

This is greatly challenging and recommended everyone to walk as can reveal so many points of self-dishonesty to work with and being able to face, understand and stop.

These are the awesome EQAFE interviews about leadership I’ve mentioned and support me and others greatly:

https://eqafe.com/p/what-is-leadership-to-you-the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-103

https://eqafe.com/p/what-is-blocking-the-leader-within-you-the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-104
https://eqafe.com/p/the-birth-of-a-leader-begins-with-self-the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-105

And a personal blog post from Marlen to look Leadership as well, suggested to read:

https://marlenvargasdelrazo.wordpress.com/2017/04/13/557-self-leadership-and-the-message-of-jesus/

Day 317 – Controversial topics

controvThese are what they are, with the centralized mass-media, the unofficial and controversial information sources have been spread.

What is true, what is fake? This is now every day’s conversation. The information-era is at it’s perils.

It’s interesting to see that everyone has beliefs, opinions, judgements, and if anyone does not have, share, to persuade or trying to protect those, or does not care, then they are also being judged by others as sheep or blind followers of the enslavement system.
But the interesting part is that those who are quiet, it’s not that they do not have beliefs, opinions, judgements, but on top of those beliefs, they have a specific set of convictions about why they should not share and care to enter into this meme-war of consciousness of what’s right or true or real.

Because from a point, it literally becomes war, not only in the people’s minds, but on the actual fields and seas, sons of mothers go against each other, just because they have the belief of this is why is worthy to kill and die for. Pure insanity.

That’s why the internal conflicts, battles, frictions within our own mind never should be underestimated, because that is exactly what accepts and justifies external conflicts and wars, destruction and abuse in the world too.

An example: “I hate that I was so shy with this girl, I have missed the opportunity to ask her out, I am so fool, I HATE when I am like this.”

In this example I am actually being distracted with the emotional energy coming from the negative self-judgement, not focusing to the possible actual solution – to ask, why I was shy and coward and not stopping with that answer of :”Because it’s risky, I can screw this up and then I am done, she would never consider me as a potential partner.”
Then, to be able to see beyond this excuse is crucial: to see that I am afraid to lose something I give value to so much that actually I am being distracted and handicapped while doing it by the overwhelming vivid imagination of me failing in this, with her.

The willingness and actual, practical ability to be self-honest is the most important thing in life, I am certain, because without it, I am lost, untrustworthy and being exposed to the elements of all experiences, conditions in the world without being able to really understand, to change within.
Blame, projection, anger pointed to others, the world is being accepted and allowed as a hellhole for the majority, meanwhile if I would be honest to myself, I could directly see by approaching the levels of self-deception to discover how and why exactly I am responsible for what I experience, for what I conclude, for what I accept and allow and also for what I do.

So, here comes in the point of controversial topics, because it is also now all over the world, so many crazy ideas about what happened here and there, what is going on or how things do really work.

Controversial topics are actually cool, because within that I can have a reflection of who I am, what do I accept according to peer pressure of social acceptance and what is commonly believed to be true, what is actually proven, what I can prove for myself and what I have to actually walk through, work on and find out myself to be able to decide of whether it is real or made up.
And within that to also see how relevant the point is in my life, my neighbors life, all life’s perspective currently and in the long term as well.

In the current bank-debt-funded predatory capitalist system, where profit, revenue and income is the most important factor within pursuing safety, health and enjoyment, it is also an opportunity to deceive others for it.

And often, even the apparently ‘innocent’ ones are also causing irreversible and horrible consequences.
To persuade someone for a face creme to prevent aging for women might not seem as damaging, but if we can realize how exactly it’s being made, that it’s being tested on animals, if it’s factory keeping workers on sweatshop/slave level, if to see that the CEO of the 10.000 personnel company earns 10 percent of all the revenue, then I might consider that it’s not the best it could be.

I guess, it’s not that controversial as can be, let’s pick another one: vaccinations.
It’s also a heated discussion between parents, especially who had bad or horrible consequences by using these, often even compulsory treatments for children. Here and there some scientist appears trying to prove correlation between brain dysfunction and poisonous ingredients of vaccinations, then often people are being ridiculed when starting to question the authority, the corporations, the government.

As long as it’s a capitalist profit-oriented, revenue-hungry corporation funds, fabricates, persuades and sells these vaccinations, it is obviously questionable and when the whole process is not shared and being 100% transparent to the consumers, then it’s natural to want to know more about it, to see more research results.

There might be some really scary dark conspiracies in the background, but to gossipmonger all over – it’s bad and does not support any possible solution.

Mostly there is simple explanation: the fear relating to not survive in capitalism, greed; the never ending conquest for more and more profit drives people over common sense, beyond compassion and under dignity to the mind-state of superiority, justifying with principles like ‘survival of the fittest’, but those individuals are totally incapable of being self-honest to question their belief systems, to answer their self-dishonesty, thus not only becoming lost within their own realm of consciousness, but causing massive amount of abuse in the real world, what is being shared with everyone else.

Poisoning natural water sources, covering it up, marketing sickening products without warning, bribing their way out of it, fabricating casus belli and driving whole countries to war: it’s every day’s reality and anyone who accepts and justifies it with sentences like ‘This is us, human nature’, they are also part of the problem, not only the person who gives the orders to execute those atrocities every day.

I also have been ridiculed many times when bringing up a controversial topic, just because the TV does say that it’s conspiracy theory, because some things, if those would be really real, people would have to realize that their own version of reality is a delusion, which is difficult to give up, because that means they have invested maybe even decades into something what was almost completely a waste of time.

I do not think there is real evil, which would fight good and want to destroy, like in the tales – that’s existing only in the mind, polarity – a symbol of our own separation for LIFE itself, because there is no good without bad, no matter how GOOD I become, there will always will be BAD, because it’s all relative, make-belief. To balance out positivity taking all over, which would be also totally impractical, negativity appears. What we see in the world, it always reflects back to our own mind and vice versa.

That’s why it’s imperative to have a willingness and actual ability to investigate and sort out my own beliefs, judgements, delusions, because that is how I really discover myself and the world, that’s how I decide what’s real and what is bullshit.

We like it or not, there are a LOT of things humans in general do not yet comprehend in this world.

Remnants of ancient civilizations – total mystery, people have ideas and beliefs about what happened, but there are so many – and most people ignore these, because there is no ‘mainstream opinion/proof’, so until that it’s just controversial. Someone else to figure it out. Or based on some interest, promote something, what’s maybe real.

How much those things are really relevant in my own individual life, process of self-honesty? That’s the practical question one has to answer as well.

Or the flat-earthers, they are consistently sharing these articles and videos to prove why the earth is flat, the sun is very close and they are obviously pissed off that nobody believes them, they feel cheated, lied to and humiliated with the world, the system, the government, science, because they feel they know the truth and most people don’t or don’t care. How much that is relevant?
Unless I am working with satellites, weather, or within the hello: ‘space’ industry; how much of my every day life is influenced by the possibility that earth is not a sphere-like space rock, but something else?

I had my own crusades about several of so called controversial topics, according to drugs and spirituality, because when one day I’ve realized that how I lived, what to I’ve built my experiences, culture and personality – it was based on self-deception, thus I had to let it go. For some it’s more difficult to give up, to acknowledge that ‘I was wrong’. For me it is no problem if I was wrong, but right now to be wrong with the knowledge that it might not be real, relevant or common sense, that would be more self-dishonest than to just change.

When with desteni support I was able to figure out myself of how I was deceiving myself with the spirituality and drugs, I’ve felt compelled to expose all the gurus and masters, anything relating to mantras and chakras as total distraction.

Because it did not work for me.
Because I’ve realized that my starting point with them was self-dishonest, therefore I assumed that anyone and everyone participating within spirituality are equally self-deceivers by default.

Maybe not, maybe yes, I do not know that for certain, but the methods, the symbolism: for me it’s obvious how and why it’s flawed, I understand it now, I can word and explain it, I can see the points where I’ve recouped it with hopes, beliefs – therefore I am not interested in participating in these things at all. Also I have responsibility to share my realizations, because that might support others too realize the same mistakes I’ve made.

And it’s quite tricky, because if someone repeats mantras for hours, of course it will have an effect, accumulating energy, expectation, the sound vibration, the set and setting becomes also relevant. But it’s like trying to have a medical operation of my eyes through my bottom(from the silly movie parody called Hot Shots, they call it multiopiloptomy).
Especially tricky if I do not understand how my mind’s energy-house-holding works – I might just feed my mind with energy to be able to balance shit out and I feel more calm, but under the carpet, still the same, I do not have to radically change, to face my self-dishonesties directly, for instance addictions, not taking responsibility, being untrustworthy for myself and my partner or my boss, to make actual difference in the world, no, I just have to repeat 111.111 mantras and it will have effect, good karma and while doing it I will have insights.
For me this is now not direct and honest enough.

I’d rather ask myself and answer directly about things, points, problems, solutions. No need for magical vibrations, I have voice, I have words already. That I am here to live.

When I go to a shop, I don’t use mantra to get food, I use words. When I communicate with my partner on solving a conflict, I use words again, and if I want to stand out in front of the crowd to share support on how to transcend the mind, again and eventually always: I use words. So why not work with that directly? Common sense.

When I actually do something, I do it with my human physical body, so it’s also common sense to make it home, my starting point, my temple, my presence – without allowing interference from my mind of fear, of overwhelming and distracting emotions, regardless of positive or negative, which is just relative to my own interest, even if it’s projected onto something or someone, it’s still MY interest. But who I am is not just me, but equally is in the rest too. So it’s also common sense to consider all participants of the given system as equals, thus manifesting what is best for all. But it’s going to be damn difficult if I rely to spiritual practices and energetic experiences to ground myself and become consistent and constant within my direction and presence. Rather write down the words, investigate the words, let go of not supporting definitions, associations of words, re-define words and live them directly, so then no need to doubt, fear, complicate or judge, just directly live.

Maybe there was a time in world history when chakras and these spiritual things did have more effect on reality, the minds, but nowadays it’s just through the mind consciousness system, people’s beliefs, convictions, self-persuasions.

That is what I have investigated, tested, realized, lived. But I would not want to persuade anyone that I am right or others are not. Time will tell everything. Manifested consequences too. As Bernard Poolman stated:

There is no such thing as truth, only denial of what is here.

I went into more details with this point to share that how I take on practical approach with common sense on a point, instead of feelings and reactions. But the same principle can be applied to other controversial – or in fact any kind of topic.

I only can share as much as I can about my process, what I have experienced, seen, realized and why – then if anyone has better angle, then share it with me, I am absolutely open for re-evaluating my entire life. And everyone should be.

Another controversial topic to reflect back on self-leadership – writing some details so some conspiring dudes or dudettes can relate with: Investigating 9/11 was an inside job or it’s a hoax, was there aeroplane hijacking or planned demolition, temperature of the airplane fuel versus the melting point of reinforced steel or mossad agents versus found saudi passports – those the points people can argue about and it’s never ending. What that actually would imply about ‘our own’ – in fact USA – government is terrifying about how far leadership can justify to go in order to follow their agenda, to keep balance of their insanely unbalanced budget, the mysterious disappearance of massive amount of money. The downstream total destruction of an other country, accusations of weapons of mass destructions, oil industry, weapon industry, drug industry, media industry, we like it or not, these questions are maybe relevant.

And if I investigate from SELF – I can ask – why is there leadership, why there are people not wanting to be responsible, why need control, anarchy, war or peace, what those actually mean versus what I think or feel about.
How am I not living my potential, not living LEADERSHIP as I could be, how I am following, obeying, expecting and accepting instead of initiating, directing, planning, anticipating, moving? That is where I should start, not blaming the president or the banks. If I do not like it, I should show a better way, I should be part of the solution, I should join politics then and change by living as an example of my definition of good. That’s self-honest. That is the way forward. Not protesting and burning cars on street, whistling at public speeches or trolling and cursing online. Anyone does that – stating the obvious – they accept their powerlessness. But it’s still way to change, starting self here:

What’s relevant here for me in my real life is to reflect these kind of events back to self:

What is terror in my own life, how am I terrorizing myself, my environment and family, what is my own mind-authority and how and when and why it steps in to simply overrule another initiative within me, for instance having an idea about helping that weak man on the road, but then I would think, “What my cool and rich friends would think of me, and anyway I might become dirty while helping him, and he is maybe stinky as well, and anyway, he already survived up to this day, he will be fine, I do not have change, only using credit card”.

Not saying that to give some coins would actually make the world to a better place, but if I have these inner dialogues/frictions, that’s also my responsibility to unify myself about, not accepting any conflict of opposing interests.
It is maybe difficult to have absolute clarity about something, but this should not mean we just give it up – but then I have to be able to change, when I see that I was wrong.

And once I am able to see through my own internal battles, when I am not going into emotional war within when being triggered with a more intense experience, news, condition, but I can stand within clarity, being able to question everything I think, feel, say and do, then I am becoming able to stop self-dishonest patterns I discover, then I can also stop acting/living out those self-dishonesties and change becomes reality.

But if I have these emotional storms, reactions, anger, jealousy, fear, insecurity issues WHILE full blown ‘investigating’ these controversial topics, I might just find what I want to be found, I might bend the information to my own distorted perception.

Instead of judging wars in the world and get emotional, angry or sad, to ask myself – how I am waging war within myself in the first place? What do I resist, fight, want to win, dominate, eradicate, exterminate within with force?
That’s why SELF process is first, not because selfishness is the way – it’s the exact opposite actually. I take responsibility and it can only start with self, otherwise anything else I try to accomplish will be biased with the already accepted and allowed self-dishonesty within.

Self-forgiveness is an awesome self-supporting tool, which is simple, direct and free process to apply.

It encourages to become detail-oriented, by writing/typing it, I slow down, thus emotions do not tend to overwhelm that quickly.
Also supports with humility, to see, that in a simple conversation how many self-dishonesty I can accept, so then I understand that it’s pointless to blame anyone, but to ensure first that I stand within clarity and no influence of any fear, blame or anger.

I dare to give myself a chance, and many state that it’s not their way, style, method – I also never would have thought that this is what I am going to apply for years – this can be more tough sometimes, when realizing some nasty shit within me I covered up with excuses and thus failing with something constantly, but that’s also an indication that I am walking through resistances, limitations.

Also I’ve shouted wolf so many times about what’s real, what’s the solution, the source of best coolness in the world with various methods, groups, techniques, but Self-forgiveness is the most awesome and effective awareness tool I’ve ever encountered and this is what I stand for since almost ten years and still so much to learn and unlearn, discover and change.

At EQAFE, I was able to listen through a LOT of controversial topics, as its being explained in a style, which is like just listening to someone sitting near to me and it’s mind-blowing and also liberating, not only to understand things I always wanted to know, but when I try to apply those supporting points I’ve heard, no matter the topic, I can.

Thus I strongly recommend to check out EQAFE for a new type of library of understanding. https://eqafe.com

For trying out, understanding Self-forgiveness, the mind, consciousness, thoughts, emotions, and how to deal with those and take responsibility for: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 298 – EQAFE Fears and Phobias of car accidents: my experience

full_car-crash-fears-phobiasToday I’d like to talk about overcoming fears and phobias. Specifically how I found support in relation to a specific topic I always resisted and suppressed: cars and driving.

I did my driving license about 3 years ago and it was quite late, I was around 33 years old back then, but the lack of driving started to really become such a limiting factor in my life, so I’ve re-evaluated this huge resistance and decided to open it up and walk through.

I have chosen a second profession which requires to carry heavy and expensive equipment and on one rainy night, when carried quite a lot hi-tech gear in my backpack, I’ve realized that this is when I am limited by not driving a car and if I want to get serious and more ‘free of conditions’ so to speak, I have to overcome this resistance.
Also, often I had to wait for my car driver friends to appear, get ready to give me a ride and when they were not exactly reliable within what they said about when we would start or arrive, I was quite frustrated and then I had to realize that I cannot blame them for who they are, but only myself for still fighting for my limitation by resisting to learn driving.

I also kept noticing that most of the adult people has no problem with at all, even old and slow ladies or dudes, completely the opposite of being sporty or agile people also driving cars within the bulkiest city traffic and that made me realize that this is a phobia for me now, not just a tiny resistance and personal dislike. Thus, not just I have to learn new skills, but also un-learn a lot of patterns.

I was familiar with the principles of as within is without as well, give as I would like to receive, equality and oneness and self-support tools, such as the DesteniIProcess online course and EQAFE.com audio books.
At EQAFE, I have found the

Fears and Phobias series,

what goes through how fears and phobias work in the human mind and what is the practical way to open up and start working on letting go these patterns within one’s life actually.

There are several one individual interviews specifically about fears and phobias about car accidents, which was exactly what I was looking for.

My own personal resistance was multi-layered, and when someone has a very strong resistance or a fear/phobia about one thing, there are often multiple dimensions and angle of perceptions with one can justify the acceptance of that belief, the opinion and conviction to accept the fear as logical strategy, which then becomes the self-limitation.

  • One of my dimensions was that I grew up as being dirt-poor and not being able to afford a car previously and it seemed like quite excessive how many money one has to spend to own and maintain a car.
  • Another point was that I never liked the stench and smog they create, how polluting many of the car parts are and the noise they make is also extensive, which I never wanted to be responsible for.
  • Also there was one time when I was kid, a car driver was not aware enough and me, as a pedestrian, ended up on his car’s hood and although I had no injury, it was kind of scary. I realized then that car can kill if the driver is not capable of ‘taming’ the machine beast.
  • There were another occasions when I or one of my friends were almost hit by a car when walking through the cross walk and that seemed like an every day possibility, which frightened me as such a responsibility to have.

How I chosen to live my early adulthood life was quite irresponsible and pretty much auto-daydreaming all day and at some of my clearest moments I realized that I am rarely present, thus to be constantly here is not just extremely difficult for me, but I even justified it that I do not even want that.

It’s like when I break in so to speak into a self-justified self-limitation and start to identify myself with, protect it and then as months, years pass, its really difficult to be honest with myself and acknowledge that this is self-delusion and start liberating myself.
That’s why I had the excuse well protected for so long, that I should not drive, I am incapable of becoming that responsible and present and anyway, “it’s not my style”.

So, with patterns I’ve mentioned that I’ve identified myself with totally and thus I’ve became what I judged about myself and although these were only parts of my experiences during specific periods of my lifetime, I’ve added these one after another to the personality description of ‘who I am’ and I kept justifying them with the result of becoming more and more judgmental about cars and also self-limited and thus resulting to definitely not wanting to make drivers licence and have a car.

I have no problem to discover a mistake within myself or a delusion to be aware of, because I’d rather lose the experience of ‘ignorance & bliss’ but to wake up to the most possible reality, even if it means to face the most fearful thing – the unknown within change.

I’ve been facing, understanding, forgiving and letting go another fears and convictions with DesteniIProcess course and community already, such as spiritual beliefs, abdication of responsibility for my suppression and anger toward myself, addiction to weed, sugar, sex, ‘trance states’, fear from taking responsibility, resisting to open up and communicate within vulnerability or within partnership, thus I was aware of that I can change myself if I really dedicate and invest time and effort for really understanding the building blocks of a mind-pattern, the word relationships I exist within, so listened the EQAFE – Fears and Phobias interviews multiple times, I made notes, and I decided to use what was suggested on how to decompose these patterns in relation to fear from cars, driving cars.

In the beginning it was quite challenging, and then I started a driving school, first with theory, the traffic rules, then first aid course, and finally, when I passed the test on the traffic rules, I started to drive a Suzuki with an instructor. That was quite scary at first, I had resistance every time I walked out of my door towards the driving place at the other part of the city, but I knew that with each step I take, each minute I drive, I accumulate the will and direction and actual practical, physical skill to un-learn this resistance and fear.

At the same time I was writing self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements, self-commitments to align myself with what I do change, how I should be aware of the patterns before reacting to them and how to focus to what is relevant, here, driving, the car, the traffic and start trusting myself.

Many times I had to go real specifics, such as ‘fear of hitting a mother with baby cart’ and then to decompose that and if I actually get reacted to fear all the time, I do not direct myself to PREVENT that happening by driving safely. So in this sense – fear actually blocks me to prevent myself manifesting that fear. Or fear from breaking the car, or fear from having no fuel in the car so then I’d be stuck. Fear from not having money to tow it away if it breaks, fear from falling asleep while driving, fear from somebody from the another lane would just hit me, fear from a truck straying to ‘my’ lane, etc, etc – all fears I open up and before reacting to see – what I can do to prevent that kind of accident – and then become aware of the trigger point, and giving myself a ‘second chance’ to not react, to not go into fear, but into action, active prevention and step by step, removing this halo of ‘bad’ association and to actually allow myself to learn driving, to learn skills to prevent accidents. And with driving – it’s also part of the package that sometimes regardless of what I do – somebody else still can make mistake and then I will be just part of that – and I can only guarantee to a point of safety, and from there – I am basically exposed to the elements. But still – often it’s a half second what one needs to assess the hazard and act responsibly, thus mostly it’s about to be able to be present consistently. Thus mostly my challenge was to debunk that idea of myself that I can’t be here constantly. It’s still a process I walk through, and with driving is that most of the time one does not need extra sharp skills to apply while driving, but at hazardous moments definitely!

Thus I learned driving, I was so anxious at first, but the skill, the self-trust have accumulated day by day.

It was more than a half year actually, but when I was ready, I passed my driving exam at first try and then soon I was driving my first car! Actually it was bought together with a friend, who also needed one and thus it was not so intimidating for me at first as he was also supporting me about how to maintain the car, how to drive not just around the tutorial routes, but anywhere, anytime.

Sure, I made mistakes, scratched the car here and there, sometimes turned into the opposite lane at some corners at night time, was uncertain at specific situations on who should go first, but at a certain point I was ready. I moved out from the city and I had to(and since then still) drive every day to go to work and that was my decision to have the opportunity to drive a lot, through the most crazy traffic ever possible in Budapest, and so I did. Later I sold my half ownership of the car to my friend and bought my own car, which is an awesome ride and I drove more than 20.000 km with it already at all kinds of roads, conditions, situations and combinations. I am still learning every day something new, but no fear is blocking it now, yet I do not take unnecessary risks and do all I can to ensure safety.

It is indeed a stinky, loud and quite environment-unfriendly ride, but as the industry develops, it’s not too far that there will be less and less polluting cars soon, and although self-driving cars are also emerging pretty soon, I still see effective and reliable driving as a quite important skill to have to be able to move and express, connect and share within this world.

Furthermore, for those who are often busy within their mind, or coming down from drugs or being disorganized, preoccupied – learning to drive is a therapy and I am not kidding, even my instructor, who teaches it since 25 years told me that and he was absolutely supportive with me.

I do not drink or take drugs anymore, ever, so being constantly sober is also a virtue I enjoy, especially when about to drive, no matter how late, how great party I find myself at(for instance I often go to extremely intense hi-tech trance parties, where people often are high or drunk), from the craziest moment, I just take a breath and sit into the car and drive by being present, vigilant and responsible. That is a gift I thank for EQAFE and myself equally.

There are dozens of fear and phobia topics within that series, such as diseases, Armageddon, loneliness, not being good enough, fear of flying, being cheated, fear of pain, etc.

There is a way to stop accepting fear and phobias, but one has to study the mind, the nature of the fear, to dare to dig up some old memories, understand the dynamics of one’s mind reactions and then to apply the process to accumulate self-direction and practical change.

I did it by walking through each of the dimensions I’ve mentioned before (the money point, the pollution point, the fear of hitting someone, the fear of not being able to be present constantly and other points came up during this) and applied writing, self-forgiveness(because I give for myself a new chance by recognizing my responsibility within the very(finding exact words) specific fear/resistance), self-corrective statements(to structure and support my practical change with remembering what should I do at critical moments, such as breathe, relax and look around, apply common sense and go) and also committing myself to live my decision to stop the fear, to start expanding and actually practically changing.

Whatever the fear is I see – I forgive myself for accepting and allowing that fear without questioning how it came, what was the trigger point, what memory I associate with it, what words, emotions, thoughts I experience, what is the reason I still accept it, etc – going into the specifics helps with recognizing and understanding the point.

And the next moment I find myself in that situation, when I see the trigger point I already recognized, already written down and understood where that can lead me if I react the same way – and there is this change I can create by having a choice to not participate. Or even I only want to not participate in the fearful thought, emotion, but I still feel compelled to get into the fear.
That is where it starts to get more specific, real, and in fact leads to the real understanding of who I am, who I allowed myself to become and the more I accept the self-dishonesty(because I see now, I could stop it), the more I will feel responsible and I eventually I have to make a stand and not give into it, regardless of I have no idea what I will do, react if not the usual fear. I will figure out. I even can create a new reaction, direction of me in that situation what I could see as supportive. And then I test it out. And then if I’d see a better way, I’d change accordingly.

Direct, Self-change is what makes us aware, not when being changed by external conditions – that’s preprogramming.

So, I drive – naturally, and I have not yet tested many kinds of cars yet, only about a half dozen, but seems like I can drive them just alright as mine after a while, so I can say that I can drive a car now, which might not seem as extraordinary, but for myself, who knows where I ‘came from’ – it’s pretty impressive, which thus given me more self-trust and self-respect as well by proving that this fear/phobia was not just totally self-created, unreal and totally self-limiting – it supported me to change and open up to a lot of new aspects of life I’ve never could imagine before!

I am extremely grateful for EQAFE for this and I recommend it with all of my fiber of my being to everyone – even if one has no outstanding fear of phobia, maybe one day will meet somebody who has, and thus could give some support, chance to let go.

https://eqafe.com/p/car-crash-fears-phobias
https://eqafe.com/p/car-crash-support-fears-phobias
https://eqafe.com/p/car-crash-practical-application-fears-phobias

It might seem weird to give some coins for it, but for a price of a burger to get the understanding and the support for practical change(which then also can be applied to another fears&phobias) is actually a great deal. Well, for me it was extremely worthy, and everyone has to decide where does invest their energy. And there are a LOT of EQAFE interviews, what can be downloaded without payment…
(Before anyone would go into reaction of if this is so good, why not free? – The production and online availability of these interviews have some cost, which then actually will be used to create more interviews – I do not gain anything from promoting it, I genuinely recommend it for self-liberation as it supported me and others already a LOT)

Enjoy expanding and transcending fears and phobias!

Day 282 – Courage about ‘NO’

dsc_0747I continue with Courage

Preparing to practical change at situations I’ve already realized that I can have tendency to not LIVE COURAGE within self-honesty. Specificity supports self-honesty and awareness, thus this time writing about hearing or saying ‘NO’.

When and as I feel the pressure within to speak up about something to someone yet not doing it and actually not knowing exactly why not to do it – I acknowledge that I suppress myself and I judge without knowing it, therefore I slow down within, take a breath and check if I can see the actual reason, why not speaking up.

When and as I see that all of a sudden in a situation, apparently ‘not wanting’ to speak up, but I suppose to, I planned to, I should, I acknowledge that I suppress, based on judgement and a specific fear – thus I realize that the reason WHY I do not do it is the point of suppression, for what I commit myself to LIVE COURAGE to express myself and within that decision I stand and breathe in and find the best moment to share myself and trust myself.

When and as I worry about what the other/others would react to what I am going to say, I check – what I am going to say is of practical common sense, supporting for all participants, including me and if yes, then I realize, I fear losing something existing in my mind – and even if it would exist in the other’s mind – that’s their point to face within self-honesty, and mine is to disregard my own belief/delusion, thus I LIVE COURAGE and express myself by focusing to my expression to do it the best way possible within self-trust.

When and as I would think that I should have done something but I did not, I realize that I am judging myself for what I have or have not done in the past, which I cannot change, but I can commit and decide myself to do next time differently and also to consider to prevent judging myself, I should do it if it’s common sense to do so.

When and as I focus to energetic reactions to judging what I imagine as of what I should have done and it’s consequence if I could have done it, I stop as realizing that I stimulate myself with energetic reactions instead of focusing to the COURAGE to commit myself to LIVE when the opportunity comes next time to do what I suppressed to do previously and also to name, word the actual reason I did not do it and by that supporting to prevent myself to make the same mistake again.

When and as I worry to ask something from somebody because of fearing of what if the other would say no and within that I would fear that I should define and judge myself based on that ‘no’, therefore not even trying and thus trying to avoid making ‘mistake’ but by that not even giving the chance to ‘hear’ a yes, basically sabotaging myself, therefore once I see the resistance to ask the person the question I fear of hearing of a ‘no’ – I realize that if I do not ask, I will judge myself not even trying, therefore I decide and commit myself to LIVE the COURAGE to ask the question I fear hearing a no of.

When and as I fear hearing a ‘NO’ from someone who I would ask something of, I name the game and word the subject of fear – what is the point I mostly fear about that ‘no’, where my imagination goes in this self-sabotaging pattern..

This is interesting – Self-forgiveness on fearing ‘NO’ when asking:

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the extent of being consumed of self-interest within fearing of hearing a ‘NO’ when asking something from someone and within that only considering myself, my goal, desire, want of that person and actually not respecting the other equally as myself within if he/she said ‘NO’, then that’s their point, decision, stance and if I still feel bad/wrong/hurt/disappointed/frustrated about it, then I only care about my want/need/desire, thus I have to evaluate my starting point within this self-consumed want, which through I can automatically get off-balance by the reaction of even imagining not ‘getting what I want’.

When and as I ask something of somebody and considering the option of hearing a ‘no’, I realize that it’s part of ‘asking’ to hear a no, and it does not mean that is final and ultimate, however it’s the other person’s stance within this, which should be considered and also to see if there is possibility/place/option to re-evaluate my starting point within this ‘asking’ and also to see if I could further communicate, express, explain myself to use reasoning by seeing if there is something maybe the other person does not know or should know about this point to maybe reconsider her/his answer – and meanwhile to stay here, present, direct without fear/judgement and emotional reaction to ensure not compromising my utmost potential to express myself within self-honesty.

When and as I communicate within someone and being asked of something which I consider saying NO to it, I realize the tendency to avoid saying ‘NO’, based on my own tendency to what I could feel when hearing a ‘NO’, and based on that saying ‘YES’, only to use this superimposed ‘compassion’, which actually is of self-interest projected out – therefore I drop this game and re-check within self-honesty and practical common sense – what should be my answer and then LIVE THE COURAGE to say ‘NO’ if that’s what I should say.

When and as I see that there is an interest behind not saying ‘NO’ to someone when being asked as by this trying to appear as ‘a good guy’ or by considering a hidden agenda/desire regarding to this person (for instance being attracted to a woman who asks me something really difficult/time-consuming but at this moment it’s really compromising, maybe even in relation to somebody else, who I ‘forget to consider’ by the imagination of ‘being good’ with the person I am attracted to), then in the tension appearing in my mind in this moment, wanting to say ‘YES’, then I should stop, re-align with a breath here and to ‘come clean’ and to communicate and express myself and remain within integrity according to what I would sabotage in order to cling onto this energetic ‘hope’ I feel in this moment by judgement and in this scenario I LIVE COURAGE to say ‘NO’ when it’s the common sense I should say.

When and as I worry of what people would think of me if I would say ‘NO’ to things I do not want to do – I check why not wanting to and if it’s self-honest, I LIVE COURAGE to say no and trust myself and to realize that if I try to live according to what others would think, I would not really be myself, and also it’s starting point is actually fear, doubt, which I commit myself to prevent accumulating within myself.

I commit myself to say ‘NO’ when it’s what I want without energetic/emotional pressure within and I commit myself to LIVE the COURAGE to ask even if a ‘NO’ I would get not be the best I could imagine and also to realize that it’s not always should be ‘the end of story’ if someone says ‘NO’ in the moment, unless it’s that direct and ‘ultimate’ and obvious ‘NO’, then I embrace it as fact and move on.

I commit myself to stop imagining and reacting emotionally to hearing ‘NO’ about a question I am considering to ask from somebody, but rather stick to practical common sense and to realize that it means to remain present, directive and if possible or required, to communicate further or move on actually.

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