Day 417 – With Body to Awareness

IMG_1350We all know there is kinesiology working, meaning professionals can utilize the human physical body to assist with specific mind-issues and it is an indication for a potential not many use within self-honesty, including myself.

What I have noticed is that I can catch micro-expressions on my face for instance when participating in communication or social interaction with others.
Sometimes I can notice that some part of my face can have a tick, a glitch, a slight movement automatically – other body parts, hands, legs also can ‘pick up’ slight mind-movements, but the discovery started with my face.

I remember, when Sunette told me in 2010 that there are specific TV-series what are built around truths in terms of self-support, for instance ‘Lie to me’ – wherein a specialist group focuses on the human face’s micro-expressions to solve social challenges, problems, including crime. They ask tough questions to the accused and the look/record their face, measure blood pressure, etc.

The body as being aware really knows what’s going on in our minds, the question is that what we are going to do with it.

A slight frown, a tiny bit of lip-glitch, reaction of surprise, anger, disgust, fear or desire are strong indications for the person’s reactions, regardless of their intent to try to hide it.

Now as a politician makes more sense to use Botox or specific pills, so they act their pre-designed role without being triggered.

The power of the Process of Self-realization is to bring all back to Self and to see what’s self-honest and what not, to guide oneself through the sometimes definitely challenging dilemmas, choices and decisions by seeing any reaction, automatic response, triggered body movement, physical feeling and to understand why, what’s really happening.

Why is this important? Because it is not the default to always know and understand why do we feel and do the way we live and oftentimes people can be unaware of suppression, judgement or any form of self-limitation.

It is almost too natural to automatically blame, project, justify and delude ourselves and thus others that an individual with a healthy attitude must look for ways to become aware of these less obvious reactions and responses.

What I start to utilize from this is that when I realize that my face does some automatic movement, reaction, that I need to look into my head, quite literally to see what’s going on, what I react to and why.

One of my life-along journey is to decompose and stop suppression, meaning not to ‘live inside as in and as my mind and based on that react with physical actions’ but to express myself in and as physical movement, direction and clarity.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that there is suppression going on within myself and only catching it by feeling my body, my face moves, does involuntary reactions, such as tightening my lip, ticking somewhere, a muscle stretching BY a thought process or a specific emotional reaction.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be intimate with myself on beingness, mind and body level to be aware of all internal processes, on the level of thoughts, feelings and emotions so then to see the motivation behind my decisions, choices and actions because being caught up in the preoccupation of those thoughts, feelings and emotions and their energetic reactions and to believe and act as this is who I am; instead of seeing and realizing that I primarily exist in my mind and thus being limited and not trusting and BEING truly physical here, but existing in and as this separation based on polarity and self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be quite in my mind so then to see when any mind pattern or construct is being activated and how exactly I am limiting myself to my past, fears and self-limitations.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that my entire human physical body is here as the living expression of awareness, and the very fact that I am not aware of what is going on in it proves that I am separated from this opportunity and expression of living in awareness, thus the common sense solution is to de-prioritize my mind-related activities and literally spend more time in and as the body, here, with and as the physical and to realize that the mind is a tool, an organic machine which is already programmed and might not be – facts are proving that – it is not practical, self-honest or expressing what is best for all participants in my reality.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be aware of my micro-expressions what indicate reaction, inner dialogue, friction or conflict wherein I preoccupy myself with the judgement, reaction and based on that I mis-perceive what is really going on here in reality.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is not to fight, hide or suppress my face, body’s reactions so then I can keep pretending that I am not reacting, but to utilize it to understand myself more in order to stop all bullshit.

I forgive myself that I have not developed a natural expression to discover and understand my face, body’s micro-expressions to expose self-dishonesty to be able to stop and change for good.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the importance of always being aware of what my body is showing to me in any given moment and that the very fact of not being aware of it indicating that I need to STOP and decompose the patterns I participate, such as emotions, thoughts and feelings, being specific to WORD my experience, NAME the pattern and understand the construct.

I forgive myself that I have not realized what are the signs my body showing when I am participating in self-suppression and self-denial through self-judgement and self-dishonesty and thus

I commit myself to develop a practical skill to utilize my human physical body’s reactions and involuntary, automatic movements, signs to see when I am being dishonest, how I am doing it so then I can become aware of how to stop such patterns.

I commit myself to focus on my direct physical expression, movement and action instead of thinking and reacting in my head by believing that it is a safe and useful virtual space to live within and also committing myself to make accumulative effort to bring myself back here into direct physical presence and action and to utilize my mind as a tool to reveal or understand things FROM the starting point of absolute self-honesty.

I commit myself to see what is causing me to suppress and not move, express and to dismantle all the judgement systems within me so then I can become more direct and physical living expression unconditionally.

I commit myself to make notes and word down the points I discover during being aware of what my body is showing to me so then I do not forget, I do not time-loop.

This point opened up during my recent commitment and application of fine-tuning and changing my body posture, how I stand, how I sit, how I walk and how I do not allow to ‘swallow’ my chin but to push it forward to assist and support my birthing as life from the physical.
It is still not ‘satisfying’ and becoming default to not being compromised how I exist and express myself in and as my body, thus this process continues, meanwhile also working through the resistances, excuses and judgments.

Once discovering more, will continue sharing about this.

I also just realized the whole series of BODY LANGUAGE interviews at EQAFE focusing on this topic, so will listen them to see what I can utilize during this process of realization.

https://eqafe.com/series/83-body-language

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Day 410 – Working on Courage

 

IMG_0773Foundation – physical body support: chin up, shoulders back, chest forward and straight spine.

It is actually tiresome, after my day often correcting and ‘holding’ my posture – my mid-back feels tired. But at the same time the advantages are obvious: more fluid breathing, physical presence awareness and actually less back pain during computer-related activities.
Mostly worked on my back pull, chest push today, tomorrow continuing with the shoulders pull and chin up – to hold and take time in these positions.

Still feels like I need to get back to normal to ‘rest’ from this tiresome action but it is really great and after only one day it is obvious that I need to gift myself this stance to become my position to always return to naturally.

What is the courage in this – to give myself the courage to keep standing in this posture in physically to support my stand in relation to myself, the world and my mind system to face and deal with anything comes at me, no matter what.

Some weight/body weight training to supports to strengthen the lower/mid back, needs to continue with the shoulder and chest strengthening. Some arm strengthening will also support to balance out the tension I put on to my arms – in general exercises support to release tension and become more relaxed and make the body the proper expression and to balance out the all-day office, at desk postures.

In general, I enjoy moving, dynamically shifting pace and various expressions and it is also a fine way to be with myself, finding inner silence, balance and clarity.

Nonetheless to say – oftentimes the best to combine it with listening to EQAFE interviews – they are the best to accumulate practical wisdom, no doubt.

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the lack of courage I allowed myself to become in regarding to my physical stance, posture and expression through my back, shoulders, chest and chin points – what are supporting me to reflect back and correct within my starting point and expression.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that my current physical representation as of taking the straight and firm position making me tired after a while, also to live courage only being able to apply for a limited time before running out of energy as it is not natural self-expression, but of conditions what run out – instead of finding and living my effortless standing and expressions, effort here meaning no energy, feeling, emotion, thought involved to accumulate any variation of my standing or expression.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself within various situations what carry opportunities of courage to recognize and live, own and express, such as breaking through habits what limit me, what I fall into within automatic reactions and not supporting myself with the courage to be vulnerable to feel the experiences I resist during living courage to stop, to re-align and to start something new.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that my entire physical presence and expression is tainted with ingrained acceptance of lack of courage and that to change is going to take time thus it is not to do it with force and control, anger or any emotions, but without energy, planning, consideration and reality-awareness, slowly but surely accumulating to change day by day, following up that process with writing, self-forgiveness and self-commitments.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become this soldier within myself wanting to WIN and dominate, control and force myself from one experience to another instead of be gentle, intimate, loving and respecting with myself and within that to find the enjoyment and self-trust.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that my perfectionism what have accepted and allowed myself to show as general pattern within my approach to things and in overall Process of Self-realization is a sign and consequence of self-defeat and self-doubt and within that not admitting why not trusting myself and why not opening up the points I hold onto with self-judgement and being shameful, shy and so condescending to myself as it is genuinely proven that as not working tactic.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not pushing myself enough, not doing, not stopping, changing and expanding enough and thus wanting to force changing, out of reality, out of practical common sense and out from actual awareness of what’s within and without and thus creating friction, exhaustion and general positive and negative polarity experiences, instead of finding my balance within calm and consistent presence and not focus on the velocity of my progress, but the quality and consistency of it with always being specific of what is the goal here in this moment, on this day, within this scenario.
  • I commit myself to find realistic and direct specificity within writing and instead of trying and hoping, aligning with a ‘screenplay’ what is to always be absolutely specific, for instance, instead of ‘becoming great at work’ – to name the areas, kind of tasks, direct responsibilities, one by one and to see what that entails, required and have to do to own and become.
  • I commit myself to let go the emotional reaction-based planning, desiring and in general not specific goals, and always to see ahead up to a point what I can design an actual walk-able and measurable path to get there.
  • I commit myself to keep embracing, utilizing and trusting, caring for and enjoying my human physical body as who I am as life without separation.
  • I commit myself to continue with the re-alignment and re-designing of my presence, stance, expression within and as my human physical body to establish support and reference points to live courage and self-trust through aligning my back, shoulders, chin and chest until it is my natural expression without any extra effort.
  • I commit myself to assess and document my process of my physical body support alignment and within that accumulating understanding and experience.

Explore EQAFE – one of a kind exceptional support on self-expansion and general knowledge about the world.

Here are many reviews of those EQAFE Interviews.

Day 402 – Back to Basics is grand

IMG_3185

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my physical body as a vessel, a tool, a device for placement of my mind consciousness system and not considering IT to be ME as equal as one – in any and all moments consistently.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the tension I make my human physical body carry through my mind’s activities such as worry, anxiety, judgments, desires and procrastination and not seeing the doable solution to understand the source points of those reactions, thought patterns, their trigger points and within each to become aware of the give up, defeat, powerlessness and justification pattern and write what to DO to prevent to fall into those patterns.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only relevant pattern, equation, science what I really need for change, improvement, expansion and power is to truly grasp what it means the 1+1=2 – as within it to see/realize/understand the real power in creation and existence is within accumulation – and thus to realize – what I sow is what I reap – thus to make sure that what I participate within – I am aware of it’s consequence – speaking of my own mind and through that all my interaction in this world.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I am resisting to develop consistency toward accumulation through considered actions, I am accepting my self-limitation and thus I have to investigate why I do that and what is the thought-pattern, self-definition, the emotional reaction I maintain and re-create in that specific situation – thus being able to see the pattern before I am going to be participating within.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that to be able to see a pattern before participating within it requires further understanding which I have to embark onto a journey to discover, which means series of directed actions, such as self-investigative writing, decomposing thought-patterns, opening up old memories so then in the moment I do not have to think of why and what I feel or should do – thus I do not ‘Think who I am, but Knowing who I am’ – and within this practical knowledge is when I do not think in real time, but acting immediately.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to slow down to the degree of being able to see my mind, my thoughts, and justifying it by ‘I need to work’, ‘There is no time for this’ or ‘this is stupid, I just can think myself outside of the BOX and not realizing, THINKING IS THE BOX’ – thus to become honest with myself that whenever I think, involuntarily – it is not me thinking, but my pre-programmed mind puts me into a situation it sees to fit, regardless of is it the best possible way or not, is it the possibly best for me and others, all life or not – and I am the only one who can deprogram it and give it a change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I need to re-start process, BACK TO BASICS, and it is not to be judged, but to be honest with myself and no matter why, or how many times, but if I am slipping from the principled living, to get back to the beginning and start over with the most obvious points, things to write, forgive myself and start self-correcting.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start becoming aware of a pattern and let it go and give it away within thinking or judging that it is now better, fine and get distracted by other points, other reactions, and not realizing that I did not walk this point to the utmost specificity and manifested yet into real, consistent and measurable change.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself, my behavior, my thinking, my desires, my suppression, my reactions, my body, my visual representation, my habits, my taste for things and get distracted and mesmerized by the polarity system with self-definition of positive and negative reactions and not seeing the actual addiction to this energetic reactions, positive feelings or negative emotions, and within that to see that my mind is a self-balancing energetic parasite living off my human life force as the physical body, as the equal and one aspect with all of existence and within that to realize the ridiculousness, limiting and degenerative nature of the mind consciousness system each human accepts themselves to exist through and within.
  • I forgive myself that I have lost the consistent awareness of ‘each and every single human being is equally responsible for the current state of this earth’ and fall into the games of my mind instead of keeping real, present and directive each day, accumulating expansion, awareness and practical change through applying radical self-honesty, self-forgiveness, self-corrective and self-commitment statements to assist and support myself into actual and real physical change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as breath as me, as moment as me.

This is crucial for me, I repeat to write it down.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as breath as me, as moment as me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a way what is not the utmost potential of who I am as life and within that not being absolutely detail-oriented and specific and thus allowing the tendency to generalize, judge and react, instead of keeping it practical, real and doable.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider myself to be equal and one with my human physical body and judging it, reacting to it, and handling it’s weaknesses as something to hate, get pissed off about and not realizing the mirror what it holds to who I accept myself to be as beingness, as the representative and the earth ambassador of Life who I am, just as everyone and everybody else equally as one.

Enjoy EQAFE:

Day 389 – Writing daily is grounding

DSC_0099Today’s realizations

Enough writing about resistances to writing – it’s about walking through the thing step by step. So. Writing. Today. Again.

Sigh. Lot’s of impressions, let’s prioritize. Had some moments of financial confinements and almost feeling like wanting to do(spend) more that I can and had these impulsions to do buy something what is not practical common sense.
What I did was checking all possible angles and to see if there is another way to reduce the cost and still get what I prefer. There was not. So I did let it go.

Another point is to look at – had to re-assess an other financial point and really assisted me to resolve something I was struggling with in the last week.

The point I was facing relates to a ‘feeling’ – from the past wherein I was able to do something and in this situation does not make much sense, yet I wanted the feeling to be available.

  • I commit myself to let go feelings and re-assess everything I decide, experience or get attached to based on feelings, what are merely judgments to experiences and memories and to realize – things can change, so I also should change and not get stuck in the past.
  • I commit myself to do not rely on feelings to be whole and stable but the decision to always be self-honest and if realizing I am not – to dare myself to stop and forgive and re-align and within that to realize that what I lose is merely an experience yet what I gain is self-trust and integrity accumulation.
  • I commit myself to keep walking the process of liberation from feeling energy addiction and to discover the negative experiences of my mind to face and embrace, understand and release – and to realize – all fear relates to self-judgement and thus self-forgiveness of self-judgments is key to releasing self-limitations.
  • I commit myself to keep writing all day I can and not accept justifications and excuses yet not get obsessed with but to apply practical common sense.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get addicted to a feeling and energy experience and within that not realizing that it’s self-created and thus not necessarily supporting me on physical reality level in alignment with what’s best for all participants including myself – but to balance a mind-experience I accept myself to exist within through thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I enjoy letting go ideas and judgements, worries and desires and to see what’s here and trust myself breath by breath.

I also realize that if I do not move and be in and as the physical body – things seem more serious in the mind – thus I also commit myself to move myself, to enjoy myself within those movements, presence and when and as I find myself losing presence, losing breath awareness, losing physical experience, I focus to breathing and moving, expressing and direct living.

I suggest to check out EQAFE – awesome supporting books, audio books, etc

Day 379 – Discipline continued – specificity

P1020210Continuing on Discipline word specificity

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am approaching, dealing with and using WORDS with emotional energetic reaction charge without being aware of it’s origin, influence and consequence and within that also not seeing the importance of the investigation, stopping, re-alignment and change I require to directly LIVE words.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the DESIRE for discipline I invest into is the GIVING UP of direct self-trust and accumulate gambling by trusting constructs in my mind to make me feel, experience and do things, because I am unable to consistently remain within direct self-expression without polarity of my mind, of good and bad of self-interest, due to fear and hope.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that fear is self-interest, thus indication of abandonement of really living within self-honesty, and thus, it’s a great support to reflect back on what is the specificity creating this type of self-dishonesty.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the doubt and self-judgement I create is through the accumulative effect via lack of consistency being here and really wanting to become consistent, yet not laying down the necessary plan, structure and actual effort to manifest that change, every day, no excuse, no justification.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I accept a ‘day off’ from everything, meaning all the work and job, commitment and discipline, I undermine the process of consistency, which, if I look at it, without energy of my mind feelings and emotions, finding it to be a problem and within that acceptance of that problem creating inner friction, with then I have to deal with, putting extra effort to avoidable things.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity of specificity in relation to discipline to describe of what I lack, judge or resist and why, within asking WHY, to see why I ask that why and thus understanding myself, my reality and the solution as well.
  • I forgive myself that I have not admitted the followings I lack within my daily living in regarding to discipline:
    • breathing presence inconsistency due to fall into certain thinking patterns of doubt and worry
    • existential doubt due to financial instability and lack of structured plan execution
    • lack of communication with myself in regarding to partnership, sexuality and intimacy
    • intermittent motivation and progress level about my short-, mid- and long-term commitments, projects
    • temptation of move or not move towards the experiences giving me the least resistance and difficulty
    • complete and throughout level of disregard towards proper structure applied within specific areas of my daily living to support self-introspection, self-discipline, self-forgiveness and self-correction
    • not sharing ‘enough’ of process, as walking, as opening, as explaining – as seeing the potential, yet not stepping into it yet for a reason I did not yet specify

These might seem different topics, but in a way, they are the same – and as I am walking through these pillars, each will support me in standing up within all others, thus creating a halo of awareness taking over from consciousness system towards life awareness.

Based on these openings, what is obvious is that the most practical way is the direct way – for instance with breathing presence discipline – the obvious support is to focus on regular exercises, every day, at the same time – work on the breathing, presence, direct awareness here – no excuse, no distraction, no giving up.
And if points come up – write them down, walk the necessary self-forgiveness, self-commitment and re-align. Rinse and repeat – until I am comfortable here, with myself, unconditionally.

In a way – this is RESTART of Process – Back to Basics(link: EQAFE).

Every day is a new life, this is my Day one – and in a way, all will be until I stand as Life.

The challenge, which I know already, is that the more I am able to discipline myself to ‘become here’ – as it seems as QUIETING my mind, the more points and issues I will start to experience – all the patterns I was able to distract myself from with the daily bullshit self-dishonesty, which prevented me to see the real and relevant points, what I kept giving up about.
It’s like opening the wardrobe and all the things I stuffed in starts to fall out. I used to believe that intensity is key for breakthrough, but the danger in that is that then I work with massive mind-energy accumulations – and they are up and then down, thus I am exposed to that influence, challenging consistency, structured walk of discipline. Not saying it can’t be ‘revelation’, but in general, it’s less valuable as it feels at those intense moments.

Thus, it’s to clarify: there is NOTHING in existence we can escape from – only prolonging the process, thus this is also a DISCIPLINE – to stop and face all them here, in this life.

Every tiny details, of each of self-lie, self-deny, self-suppression, self-delusion or self-interest – our mind and beingness remembers, will support to realize and understand – if we are ready and honest to be able to STOP.

To be honest(pun intended) the capabilities I have became aware of I am able to do with my mind and discipline, more than 15 years ago, by time resulted myself become bully and in a way aggressive towards myself, because by knowing the potentials, yet not living up to those – that is really tough if not dealt with and stopped – and rather focusing to actual change, instead getting lost in the reaction energy vortex.

From Mr Robot TV series, a quote: “When you truly hate yourself, that’s power” – the art of total self-destruction, just you never go down alone with that, but dragging many others too – enraging further within the unnecessary and vicious cycle of self-interest.

That’s why many will ride all of those death-cults until their end: all religions, spirituality – they want to be exonerate from their own existence of manifested consequences, while all they have to do is to truly find self-forgiveness within the action of specificity.

What is an excuse coming up is that it is very thin line to walk on to allow ‘natural learning ability‘ without overthinking versus applying structured self-correction tools – so it’s like I have a thousand computers within me and they all run some sort of program and each has their own specific firewall/defense system, even if they are obviously questionable or even just bad – and to get in, stop those flawed programs, I need to understand the code already running in them, understanding the protection to get through it – and once stopping one – I need to create new code, but one which does not limit me, can grow itself with my presence and alignment of principle for all life equally. That’s why Self-forgiveness is awareness – I become aware of the patterns, the consequences, what I accepted already – so when I am about to do it next time, I remember, I take responsibility, and I prevent myself falling into it again. But for that I need to understand, specifically, good intention is merely nothing here.

It is literally scary to shut down those apparently important life support mind-computer systems of self-definition, self-justification, self-identification programs, but the more I investigate those, the more I see that they allow me to get by, but not truly LIVE.

Many brag about the magical and wonderful consciousness, which seems endless – it isn’t – I am able to see it’s limits, it’s end and it’s flaws – everyone should! –  but what allows consciousness to exist, what is beyond it, what is behind and within all is what we all believed to be justifiable to be separated from – the responsibility for all life equally.

That responsibility and alignment with is going to support to all to find back our ways from systematic limitation towards awareness of infinite life.

It’s easy to stray away – towards energy, towards possession or obsession due to the tendency of volatile sensitivity for energetic reactions in the mind, through the human physical body – thus genuine and reliable support is crucial to find compass and anchor within the process of self-realization.

That is why I committed my life to align with and participate within Desteni community, Desteni I Process online courses, as it is invaluable to find the right path within self-honesty.

Many did walk away from this process as it leads to the very core of our creation, which is challenging, for some it was too much, some got personal, some did fall into some excuse, not applying the simple tools for self-liberation in order to justify why they are right, better or should feel hurt, just because did not establish the proper DISCIPLINE within walking the Process of Self-honesty in every day consistency.

It does not matter what process one walks, if it’s different, has other structure or approach – but eventually everyone has to realize that the only way is through purifying our mind with decomposing, un-learning and re-defining how we live words in accordance of all participant of life equally.

And within that to realize – if one has resistance, judgement, opposition to the word ‘equality’ – it is a construct, there are things behind this pattern, and can lead to much more direct self-liberation. Worth exploring!

To be continued. . .

Day 368 – Trust in Self & daily realizations, not Patterns

IMG_5860Whenever I trust within some thought-construct, I have to realize that it’s based on a stretched mind-state, which I require to maintain, ritualistic mind-possession-like time-looping within the same patterns over and over again in order to be convinced and energized to keep up with it.

On the other hand, where I look at things with common sense, I realize patterns, but recognize their situation-specific effectiveness or disadvantage and I release myself from the constant need of always relying on patterns in general, but if practical, still being able to utilize them to apply awareness – so then what I feel is that I am less busy in my head, more ‘out there’, yet from within there is only this creating and expressing from darkness and emptiness of self, which I find as good. Dark: not in the sense of opposite of light, but something from deep within, which until I do not explore, express – it’s unknown.

Good, in a sense of that’s allowing to live this unknown, where I find new qualities, abilities, and indeed, sometimes weaknesses and mistakes to manifest, but I shall not stop to judge, define or start punishing myself, just because it does not seem to work since a while.

Like the children, to learn to stand up, walk and talk – they do not know giving up, it’s just not an option, but to live!

Today I realized this, well, it’s often a sort of organic process, kind of started yesterday, but as writing it down here, it’s being quantified and solidified, crystalized and thus a more aware substantiation: within my job the fact is that when I progress, I feel enthusiastic, when facing difficulties and not progressing, then I feel tired.
So the realization what was obvious today is towards whenever I would start to accumulate resistance, friction and tension by not progressing, to just literally stand up, walk some steps away, make a distance and just breathe and let it go.

This way, I do not give up, but let go the struggle and the pattern I tried to apply yet did not work – and thus to support the realization that I am not progressing, because I have a closed mindset about a conviction or hope which I keep pushing, while it’s obvious that this is not the solution, so I should just step back one and try something else or somehow differently without any frustration to manifest.

Preventing to have experiences of uncoolness literally saves me from the ups and downs and rather be consistent and effective.

And if I don’t know how I will solve the problem I try to figure out – then it does not mean that I do not need to be aware of what I do and why – but about the how: to allow myself to be completely open – and it’s like ideas come from the darkness – nothingness, almost random, but the direction and will supports them to be situation-specific.

Sounds bullshit to be intuitive software engineer for instance, but in a way this can be applied to any kind of job, even the apparently most mundane one.

Also, today, one of the most degrading job I believed to be, cashier in a hypermarket – turned out to be not so much, just because one cashier lady was behaving absolutely the opposite I believed they supposed to be like: she was not dull, impersonal and monotonic, and she taught me that even there one can be present, actually enjoying and supportive(besides allowing one to pay for the grocery).

So all is being decided and often limited within our minds, obviously, thus it’s immensely important to be able to review and re-adjust our thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Yes, emotions as well – no matter how strongly and automatically one can feel about something with full steam of absolute conviction – beyond that there is history, pattern, repeating and some sort of fear – or desire, but that’s again in a way a doubt/fear-based construct if we really decompose it as well.

Also I had a quite supportive and revealing, containing a lot of ideas and points to consider Desteni I Process online course chat with the course’s buddy(person, who is seasoned within self-supporting techniques and self-honesty to support and reflect) – for instance working on patterns within specific areas of my life – turns out that those are existing within apparently unrelated areas of my life.

For instance the resistance to lead and initiate not only within playing music with professionals, but even within partnership or daily jobs or friendships – and these seem so obvious, but it’s different to assume than directly see, being able to take direct notes and specific adjustments to expand.

And I could list several more points I have realized just today and I definitely should as writing literally substantiates the realization and the specificity of how to live that understanding, thus it’s common sense to write and share every day.

So, that’s why – it’s literally each day a full blast of opportunity to realize, learn, let go and grow and writing substantiates and shares it, thus it’s worth doing so.

https://eqafe.com  – the place to learn about self and life

Day 363 – Intensity as identity – decomposition part 3

IMG_9539Continuing with Intensity mind decomposition

I introduce a concept of identity. It supports with grounding when tendency to prioritize intensity versus practicality.

Sometimes intensity is required, to accumulate an amount to dominate by energy or force or quantity. Break through a resistance, a wall, a vote, win an auction, etc.

But it does not make sense to keep intensifying for the sake of intensity and the self-generated value of it. Why? Because there is a questionable part within it, which is the self-defined value, based on a virtual velocity, which is in the mind only. Yet influences decisions, the actual, real life influence on not only the physical around one, but what also entails and being shared with others as well.

That’s why, investigating intensity itself can be a key to question identity and a way to rejuvenate value by aligning with real substance, not just an experience, a feeling in the mind, which is completely virtual for each individual separated.

I am going to talk about sex soon. It’s a good example for intensity, because most of the humans are biologically, emotionally and mentally programmed to strive for and value sex within their own, individual, self-created way.

My own personal journey through identity crisis and eventually the support of Desteni community, tools and principles resulted with the realization of that self-limitation and perceived self-separation from all what is here is being manifested by self-definition, participation within reactive, preprogrammed mind-constructs consisting of words; thus walking my own creation timeline backwards is a way to liberate myself from my own delusions and limitations.

That is why it is crucial to investigate all the words I use to see what is my blueprint for certain imagined, already happened, feared from or desired for scenarios, conditions; and discovering the trigger points I understand how I am programmed to behave and think, react and act.

Being addicted to Intensity is a virtual trip as an attempt to stimulate myself by a make-belief value system, through praising and worshipping energy, which I can’t define directly, only by actual avoidance of practical common sense, which then results to deny to focus to the physical, the substance itself.

That’s why many praise consciousness itself, because it’s also a form of mind-energy possession – thus becomes normal and typical to not only question the place and relevance of physical, but denying it’s importance and even existence by being convinced that consciousness is superior and the only relevant thing, meanwhile it’s quite a con to fall within such belief.

We are reaching a time and technological advance, where human labour becoming unnecessary and meaningless through advanced automatisation and the emerging of decentralized autonomous artificial intelligence networks, meanwhile Virtual, Augmented and Extended Reality are not only buzzwords anymore, but becoming part of every day life.

Therefore more and more people will not only being able, but completely willing to live exclusively within virtual realities, while their human physical body and it’s biomass becomes the only reference they have for what sort of identity they can solidify themselves to in order to avoiding being lost within the self-evolving digitalized mind-cloud and fog, literally.

It’s the evolution of consciousness, it’s own interdimensional existence manifested and infested into the physical substance. That’s why most of the humans have no real integrity, dedication and commitment, because everyone is being addicted to the same drug: their own mind.

What it means to be completely alone, to stand as pure, as naked, as empty and as dark as possible within this world, yet not to be of anything, for something, but to simply be here as who we are as life?

So, when I write: self-creation, what I mean is to walk the process of realizing the already being done part of that manifestation, because it’s here, it’s touchable, so to speak, who I am today, what I do, what I feel and what I realize.

The concept of creator, created and creation itself I have to unify with and as self here, otherwise I experience myself as – and existing within – separation through the mind’s interpretation of space and time – as scattered refractions of who I perceive myself to be.

To realize this, the extent and specificity of this state of being is important and each individual’s task ahead And that’s responsibility, power, because I not only get to understand creation, but as creator, I can change creation, myself as well.

My example and support for understanding intensity and identity, as I mentioned before, relates to sex. What I mean is doing sex, not the gender.

It was quite early in my childhood development, when I tapped into sexual energies and started to strive to learn to use it for my own purposes, which were mostly to cope with insecurity, fear, anxiety, doubt and then to strive again for more.

As a kid, many-many nights I could not sleep at nights, because my mind was so vulnerable, I felt like the whole universe with it’s emptiness and vast endlessness is soaking it, and I could not hold onto anything really solid in that time, so I felt meaningless, insignificant and absolutely temporally.

So I was aware of an initial despair since quite early of my years, which was somehow nasty, yet overwhelmingly intense experience.
I could probably blame my poor family, the government, the so called culture for how I perceived living, but what I did was to start stimulating myself in order to create experiences within, to balance out, to neutralize the intensity of this initial insecurity by acts, such as distraction created by sexual energy.

The way I learned to do sex was to get high with this intense aroused mind-state and use the body and mind to intensify this experience.

Not saying that doing sex is not cool – if it’s pure self-expression with no mind, thoughts, feelings, emotions fantasies, expectations, involved, it’s really awesome, but otherwise it’s kind of virtual, self-created, – thus in the most honest way, I could state that if any mind is involved within any sex, no matter if alone or with one or how many partners involved, it’s still masturbation, where others are just kind of toys for intensifying my mind-stimulation with.

In this stimulation-sense, that was what I did – I trained my mind to use sex to lubricate and catalyse energy generation to levels of extreme overwhelming in order to completely distract and separate myself from my every day living, interacting with others.

There are other ways of course to stimulate such thrill, I also played with danger, recklessness and especially drugs, but probably sex remained the primary source for feeding this un-admitted, sort of primal energy addiction.

The identity and alignment of who I perceive and create myself to be is a great support here, because once one understands how the mind works, how energy is created(actually taking from the body), how virtual reality is being maintained by participation with words through activating and feeding thoughts, feelings and emotions, one can literally stop the cycles and start introducing the learning ability to discover values what are not separated or individually worshipped and justified by society, but to focus to a real and always existed unity and truth waiting here to embrace within starting point and expressed through action as well.

Life is like a puzzle, and through our paths, we can solve it if allowing to be absolutely honest with ourselves.

So, how sex assisted me to realize the self-creation responsibility within intensity through identity?

I used to like doing long sex – meaning to learn not to end/ejaculate(as I am a male) through continuous stimulation/intercourse in order to keep doing it for long time, even hours.
I believed in so called tantra, to learn to control myself, to focus to the other, to not give into the temptation of letting the focus and well, sperm go, and that was quite a discipline and actually a sort of enjoyment to explore.

For a while it was a challenge and quite a stimulation.

It was not easy to find a lady being partner within this, as one of my friends/partners explained to me, and as many are like this that she often falls under the control of her ‘pussy-demon’, meaning to get hooked onto this strive for wanting more and more, get to orgasm and then even more and to just wanting to intensify without limit.

I find this definition of ‘pussy-demon’ – or ‘penis-demon’ a cool reference, because it shows that it’s kind of mind-demon, what I create and allow to possess me and then it literally wants to just take over and do endlessly what it’s defined and created to do: do and intensify, experience sex and repeat until the end of time.

Of course, people get tired, exhausted, real life priorities can’t allow to really do it all the time, but still – and I’ve been there – I see that it first feels liberating to explore this to really go into that kind of cave to explore.

But after a while, I have discovered that even if it’s ever-stimulating, in a way kind of self-and the other’s-healing, within itself is empty, hollow and kind of meaningless.

A year ago I dated with a lady, who I did not find as long-term partner-potential, although we did sex for several times and I found that to be awesome, we really did well that, but besides that I clearly saw that this is kind of a mutual masturbation. And it was kind of long as I wanted and within that I realized that it’s me the limit, yet I do not want to continue with her.

And some months passed and I found another lady who with I did see my preference to disrupt – probably as it was her preference and I liked her so much, but she preferred quicker sessions, thus I had to re-configure my intensity-preferences.
And within that I saw self-direction, self-creation in a way and realized that it’s not about intensity what I really seek, so in a way, I was able to let that go. Well, not completely, as I found another ways to still generate intensity within shorter sessions, but that’s the point I mention here: that I can, even if I am not absolutely aware of that – decompose, stop and re-define how to experience things, or intensity itself.

So that assisted me to realize, all the self-definition and identification with ‘long time’ intensity have changed. Although later that partnership has ended, but now I see, I am not bound or preordained to such detail, I not only can adapt but also direct that change. If I am motivated and dedicated to such change.

It’s aspect was also that the nature of relationship was that I was ‘getting’ intensity energy from somewhere else – it was that I am being loved and I can trust – that gave quite some boost – until it lasted and then turned out to be a bubble, what did burst, but the point here is that as we go through these experience-loops – it’s up to us to realize and give birth to awareness of who we are within these experiences and actions and to see if it’s honest to our core or not.

I still can strive for intensity, but the more I focus to decompose these patterns, the more effectively I can snap out of it, before spending – well, losing – so much time within that and to admit – that even intensity is just a distraction from the real points I am trying to avoid to take responsibility for.

So that is a cool point to realize and allow myself to be honest about to see that whenever I want intensity, I am admitting my addiction to energy.

Thus to slow down, even when it’s kind of awesome to intensify, is worthy, because the more I am able to skip and prevent to intensity with my mind, the better I am able to directly connect, to directly feel, experience and act, and that’s something what’s beyond the polarity system of any intensity could determine or better.

Let’s put it this way – until there is intensity in or through the mind within any experience or action – it’s not direct experience or action – no matter if it’s sex or adventure, sport or art – because then I am interpreting, stimulating myself through the mind, thus I am actually separated from the thing I define to be intense – so thus, this is how intensity, if it’s a self-aware thing, itself actually can invalidate any experience.

And I am sure that many people are not just getting hooked on this, but becoming completely consumed by ‘sacrificing to the altar of intensity’ in order to feed their own, personal lack in their mind they want to fill up with – some chooses greed, thus chasing money or power, or fame or even aggression or manipulation – all ways of intensity itself are kind of the same.

Furthermore and most importantly to realize – it really helps to admit by being honest with myself – I try to compensate with intensity an ever-returning insecurity or doubt, fear or unfulfilled desire.

So, for instance when I was able to willingly re-configure my personal preference within sexual preference in regarding to intensity, I did it based on perception of trust and love – thus that’s what I was trying to compensate with intensity in the first place.

And then this can assist and support to realize – I want someone to trust, I want someone to love me, because I do not trust myself fully, I do not love myself unconditionally.

And it’s okay, this is a process, no need to judge myself, especially, because self-judgement also generates energy in the mind – becoming angry at myself, intensifying the moments – it’s actually a self-admitted powerlessness and the anger I experience against myself is also a fable attempt to re-ignite the intensity itself, which is the food of the mind, the power of it’s existence, because I got used to and addicted to my own mind, who is always with me, to help me, to love me, to trust it, because I have never allowed or learned to do so directly with and as myself.

What are the actual points, aspects, dimensions, situations, conditions, words I face with doubt or lack of care, love? How can I assist and support myself and others to see what’s practical self-creation in relation to live trust, live love? These are cool dimensions to word down and explore, prepare and pre-script in order to be able to live in action.

That’s quite a revelation to admit and write down, share and prepare myself to prevent participating within to explore what’s beyond this pattern, who and how I can be. The process is quite simple – keep decomposing any found pattern, ask who I am within this, am I honest with myself about this, keep exploring and if needed: stop, forgive, change and adapt.

So Identity – as Who I am – in terms of past, present and future – that’s up to me, what I am going to accept and allow, and what I do not.

What reasons I hide behind in order to believe that I do not trust or love, or would I need of such in order to truly live. And remember – these are deeper patterns, one needs to often take effort to reveal, admit or discover, as human is quite a master of the art of un-admitted self-deception.

In the meantime, and actually any time, always:

EQAFE is an excellent place to learn about how the mind, consciousness, reality works to assist and support ourselves with more practical understanding to stop self-dishonesty, to start discovering what’s beyond self-limitation.