Day 339 – Energy: Admitting facts for Self-Change

webContinuing with the energy craving mentality decomposition

Its a great opportunity as at the moment getting really tired and this is when usually can this mentality be noticed.
It’s when I want to experience intensity, sense of movement, energetic experiences, excitement, tension and in overall kind of a ‘high’. Well, it’s not self-expression, as it is to compensate, to distract and actually entertain and self-stimulate, in a way simulate living, which I do not do and accepting myself not living with the mesmerizing energetic experiences I keep re-creating. Thus let’s change it!

I directly apply Self-forgiveness on upcoming points. At times I still see that I have conflict within, thus need to continue with the understanding.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself in relation to the energy craving mentality within my mind, which is almost literally ‘can attack’ when I am in doubt that I did not do all I could for the day or when I feel that I am feeling tired, but I feel that I should do more today.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that it’s not about ‘today’ what I did – as obviously if I make ‘today’ longer, then ‘tomorrow’ must become shorter as I can’t cheat time, and meaning I try to use the unit of time to compensate with the already obvious, yet not self-admitted realization that I feel as I did not do all I could, but I want to, I should to and in a way I also would do, yet feeling tired, exhausted, thus I want to feel energetic, thus I should feel the need to stimulate myself to literally ‘generate’ energy within my mind by specific patterns to participate within just to feel the day longer and within that not realizing that the fear, as it’s source is actually in the center of it all, which actually sabotages direct and effective application for the things I fear not progressing with.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that there is a mind-trick I apply with myself all the time, which is that I slice up time and creating ‘progressing’ moments and ‘let go’ or ‘give in’ moments and within this system I am not in direction and it’s basically similar construct to the spiritual/divine moments which then prioritizes moments, and when participating within the ‘not focused, self-directive’ moments, at the same time accumulating frustration and inner conflict of ‘not doing enough’, which then wanting to compensate once it’s reached a threshold, or the end of the day is coming at night, when being tired and sleepy.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am not realizing the practical common sense and the direct solution to my re-creational self-sabotaging frustration and feeling of ‘not doing enough’ experiences, which is to not give in to the ‘give up’ moments to participate, and not create judgements, frustrations in the first place, yet to be honest with myself within self-direction to see what are my needs and wants within absolute, brutal self-honesty, and if I would see needing entertainment for example, just give it to myself within my own direction, not as ‘give into’ by suppression, desire and fear of missing out, then falling into it and then losing discipline and direction.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the simple solution for my energy addiction is to be honest with myself of what I want or need, desire or strive for and then to check each and every single one of these with common sense and to see which is supportive, which I can ‘afford’ in terms of prioritizing my time and resources, effort and participation and then if it’s applicable, to ‘give’ it to myself, or if its not supportive/doable at the moment, then to decide to postpone – or if it’s not supportive at all or doable, then to let it go, forgive and focus on directly working to really let it go actively until I am clear, here, present without temptation or desire, suppression or fear(of missing out).
  • Basically be practical and structured, organized and considerate.

There are not many ‘things’ what I can fall into with suppression but in overall the reason is a self-identification, self-perfection-related self-image superimposed to who I am currently – thus there is a ‘rift’ between actual and with what I deal through my mind of myself.

Sounds creepy, although it’s a typical human thing, to not clearly see who we exactly are, but with some pink or even grey glasses so to speak, so the first step is to see actual facts and thus becoming able to work with those to align and unify all of self here through decomposing and forgiving, re-defining and re-aligning the words with I perceive, experience, express and live in the physical.

For instance if I look at honestly – I can judge myself on ‘watching TV series‘ – it can take a lot of time, it’s just entertainment, while sometimes I can do other things, but if it’s interesting I just watch – and if not interesting, I do not watch actually, so it’s time consuming – if my priorities do not progress as should, I can feel ‘uncool’ about it.

Justifications and excuses also can and should be investigated and dealt with – such as ‘I had hard working day, let’s relax’, ‘I am too tired to do anything constructive’ or ‘It’s so interesting story, relates to my life’, ‘Just one episode, or while I eat, or do this or that’…etc – it’s OK to do do it, but if I feel not good about it – I create problem within about it. And if I just let it go and ‘give in’ – and just watch without worry of other things do not progress because of this – then I might feel bad about those anyway – so no escape from self actually, not for long anyway…thus better to get clear on this…

Well, its often so subtle – ‘uncool’ – see, not as ‘bad’ – just not so cool – as there is suppression – I have this judgement, negative emotion, instant suppression – all in a split second – and then I am ‘clear’ – but it happened, it accumulates somewhere and doing it enough times and it grows to the point of not so suppressed, but as an issue.
Then all of the tiny emotional suppression altogether stand up and say HELLO – and then I can’t ignore it, well, I can’t even do anything else as I just feel that I have this tidal wave awakening within me and I have to deal with it, and man, that’s tiresome and time consuming – and then I am exhausted, spent time with: not with priority, and then dealing with my inner waves, and the (to)day comes to it’s end and I am tired, yet did not progress with things as I wanted to, and that’s the point and inner conflict of what I write about to recognize, decompose, forgive and prevent.

I mean, when hearing stories about ‘extremely effective/successful men and their actions in the world’ – they might have had similar problems but could overcome and become one whole expression to do what they committed to do, thus become very effective with – it’s not impossible, just needs structure, self-honesty, motivation, direction and self-supporting tools and apply it, one step at a time to become unified within to be able to do what one really wants. Would I also want to become this ‘very effective/successful? I do not accept self-limitations and committed to find out my utmost potential, which means to keep exploring, understanding, growing!

Well, as I mentioned, the only way is to roll up my sleeves so to speak and get into the specific details to the utmost. Here meaning of what exact topics, points I judge myself as wanting to be different than I am actually – or within that want, actually seeing myself differently as I am – here the ‘fake it until make it’ does not work, thus better to change directly than to pretend, and it starts with admitting flaws, dishonesty, mistakes.

Just a short story – my father had drinking problems and later mental health issues too – but he kept avoiding to admit these, so he was ignoring facts until grew up on him to the extent of literally losing himself and his life with the overwhelming experiences of the accumulated things he never took responsibility for.

Thus, to admit problems – is although difficult, uncomfortable, can be even shameful for a moment, yes, but necessary to align with reality, and in fact can assist and support to realize the extent of self-dishonesty and self-compromise I allow myself to live within, and thus to really decide and stand up to change.

And ‘watching series‘ is just one example – although the things I experience are complex, as can relate to to my human interpersonal relationships, difficulties to be dealt with in family, at work, career, daily things, sexual desire or suppression, bully, any doubt, distrust, to see how the world is and face sadness, shame, or in overall questioning direction of my life, or financial, money points to face – each to deal with, while not get exhausted, overwhelmed, thus to balance it out with staying healthy, effective and growing, live with enjoyment, enthusiasm and innocent yet responsible and be open and able to share insights, support – it’s an art, but the key to it all is to learn and live being honest with myself, as if this one point I ever miss, then I actually can miss ‘myself’ within it all, which then start manifesting ‘glitches’, ‘reactions’, ‘frustrations’, ‘self-judgement’, ‘frustrations’, then manifesting worries, fears, then desires, etc…

One breath at a time to walk through points – and although there are many dimensions, take one thread, which bothers the most, and walk it through – and probably open another dimensions, insights, but I keep disciplined on walking this through – and if necessary, I hold this point – and clear out another what is necessary, and once that is clear, I understand myself on why and how I do what is not supportive, then I forgive, and move on with the initial point. Sounds simple. That’s why writing is key – not just thinking through, but to walk a point, word by word, the thread of Ariadne – of sanity, self-honesty and self-direction is writing here to see the patterns as I unfold with being honest with myself until all the maze of my consciousness is mapped and I see the pattern, the way in and out and I change the maze to be direct and simple, yet supporting and effective.

So, one step ‘closer’ to see directly the patterns with I create these energy craving spirals within what are getting more and more rare, less and less intense, but still way to understand, decompose, forgive and prevent myself participating, and it also entails on how to live what I not yet, but I could and actually wanting to.

AWESOME support on this and another topics at EQAFEhttps://eqafe.com/

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Day 276 – Suppression to forgive

IMG_1191Let’s continue Suppression investigation with a ‘free ride’ Self-forgiveness flow. Whatever comes as I realize in the moment as I could do more self-honestly, I give a shot for change with wording the pattern I understand as how and why I participated within.

It’s like archaeology, I know that something relevant happened in the past, now I got this ‘dig site’, as I started to build something in my life and then as I was working for the basement, found some ruins within my mind which can tell a history and deeper understanding about myself.

I forgive myself that I have believed that suppression is good for me, because I can remain stable and continue with the process I was participating within, which actually caused quite some stirring and energetic movements within me, what started to influence me to the state of becoming unstable, which I got afraid of, thus I pushed it down in my mind, my body and just wanted to get it behind me and not realizing that my body is where my real awareness exists, and it remembers, it stores and it contains everything I participate within, just I am not seeing, feeling, BEING it, because I exist on the conscious mind level, which is extremely limited.

I forgive myself that I have not realized what suppression actually is, which is trying to escape from reality here and using the body to store the energy, to deal with the tension, which originates from self-judgement, inner friction, conflict and fear, what I do not want to face or see, thus developed techniques to ‘swallow’ the tension, the emotional reaction, the energetic experience to get back into my apparently stable conscious mind experience, where I can feel that I am the director, even if I am not, because I am completely subjected to my past preprogrammed judgement-reaction personality and the external circumstances I find myself within.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I do not look at something, if I do not allow it to become aware of, if I do not open myself and my mind to it to experience, feel it – it does not mean it’s not here, it’s not existing, even if this ‘thing’ is within myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the simple principle of what I resist persists, thus also not realizing that anything and everything I suppress, I will have to face it eventually and if I do not actively open it up to take responsibility for everything I suppressed, that means those things will accumulate and will manifest an overwhelming experience, wherein I have no directive power, I can become possessed with the energetic state, the mind-construct and the nature of the relationship and self-definitions of the words in that relationship.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that there is no middle ground within self-honesty – I do participate within the mind and then basically accumulating suppression and self-sabotage in a moment, or I am expressing myself and walking through consequences and accumulating self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to complicate things within myself when it comes to self-honesty and becoming confused of the actual problems I face and wondering around of what could be the solution, meanwhile if I do not see what could support me acting towards practical solution, I am still participating within a mind-construct, as mind-construct, from where I do not see a simple solution, thus I have to stop participating in that construct, which then I word down and apply self-forgiveness to what I accepted until I am here and I am empty, silent, yet directive, as simply as I breathe here – and if it’s not that simple, then I investigate, write, ask for support, keep forgiving for the reasons I see of not being able to see, realize and understand my limitations.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that thinking as humans usually ‘do’ is actually suppression, when I have inner conversation, backchat, automatic ‘free’ association, semi-automatic judgments, comparisons – that is not ‘doing’, that is already a manifestation of doubt, uncertainty, fear, because if I would really understand, know and believe within myself, I would not ‘stop’ for thinking, especially with the fact that all I ever think is actually the repetition of past and past judgments; but I would express, speak, act and live, directly, without any need for participating within thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that resisting to acknowledge, realize and understand how and why thinking is suppression is also part of the automatic, self-judgemental mind-construct I gave permission to run, behave as myself and thus superimposing the whole physical beingness of who I am, and thus indeed manifesting to be and become what I think, but only that, which is extreme self-limitation, because relies on my past thinkings, external trigger-point based condition-rule-system and energetic states which I did not yet understood how they work, because if I would, I would really know, that this way of ‘living’ is not actual living, but a manifested protection mechanism for self-interest, fear to not needing to acknowledge the fact that I am not free and being enslaved no one else, but myself actually.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that suppression as dominant mind-pattern is the result of a self-accepted strategy for fearing conflict, fearing change and fearing to let go the past, because what I face, see, feel and experience makes me being disturbed, wanting to resist to feel, fearing from being influenced by, so I deliberately distract myself with something else, and as I see this method sort of working, I do it until I can, and within that ‘strategy’ – I literally try not to take responsibility for what I experience, and when it eventually comes, I will not be prepared and I will again resist it, so basically will go back to square one, where I started, thus simply losing time and effort until I eventually realize that I have to stand up and change this pattern – as myself equally.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that suppression can be stopped by investigating, decomposing and forgiving the patterns my mind constitutes and within doing that, I stop identifying myself with the pattern I study in my mind, and also stop identifying myself with the thoughts/feelings/emotions I try to suppress to see what is actually the issue here to be able to understand that and solve the problem.

What excuses and justifications I could see for deliberate suppression to act ‘out’?

Politeness, morality, self-judgement, fear of loss, fear of instability, fear of change, fear of fear.

Every day I focus on expressing myself and stop judging and not being afraid to make mistakes as that is actually part of the learning process. It started to become more clear, when are the trigger points can kick in, wherein I would go into ‘awkwardness’, ‘doubtfulness’, ‘shyness’ and even ‘shame’ sometimes, which seems weird, but that is what I see as I walk through the layers of the mind, which I take responsibility for to change as myself.

I will continue from this point…

Day 270 – Movement without thoughts

IMG_3676Walking through the mind-dimensions I’ve opened up last time. Starting with Viktor’s comment, which is really relevant here:

 

This was timely Talamon. I am just now facing similar points in my life. I have also moved out on the country side, and equally as you, there are many things to do, points to move, physical work to be done, and I have seen that there is a tendency within me of wanting to use stress, anxiety and fear to push me forward – however – it is clear that it is unnecessary.

AND – the consequence I have seen when I use energies to push myself to get things done, is that I loose my overview. For example, I do not consider what my body needs, which could be rest, or some other activity, and I do not consider other activities, routine things, that might have a higher priority, but that I forget because I am too much into the state of ‘wanting to get this thing done’. Hence, this is a interesting, and important point to clarify indeed. Stress creates a tunnel vision, and we do things without our presence, ‘feeling’ and awareness – the solution is to bring LIFE into all that we do – regardless of it is necessary or not – to stop making life a struggle and a series of moments of work – and instead appreciate the moments of physical movement that open up and are part of our daily lives.

There is REALLY no benefits to stressing!

Thanks, Viktor for the notes, INDEED!

Since I wrote about this, slowly but surely more and more dimensions I start to see, and it’s such an inherent program within my personality, that even as I’d like to ‘walk this through as soon as possible, right now’, the re-alignment takes quite some time and effort, because of the decades of constant and consistent accumulation of self-acceptance and ignorance, which created these self-defined layers in my mind, what I am not aware of.
Just recently someone told me that he has so much compulsory hate towards a specific topic(anime cartoons in overall) and when I asked why, he admitted that he has no clue, and even if he asks himself, he can’t answer it directly, and that’s kind of bizarre and creepy at the same time, because this is about the idea and expression of ‘ME‘ – and if I do not know why I feel something, how can I be sure that it’s the best and utmost potential of me? So self-investigation is suggested, and it’s kind of digging, peeling the onion and where are resistances, excuses and justifications, that’s probably a point what should be opened further. Just like ‘my’ point here with this energetic states during physical expression, even when it’s plain simple action, like literally digging the garden, watering the plants or dish washing.

It’s not about that it’s so horribly bad that I have thoughts and energetic experiences, but the fact that I am not aware of this dynamics and origin of it, kind of tells me that I am not the director of my life, I am just a pawn in this chess game, and if I start to investigate, no, it’s not the government, one’s wife or mother in law, who is in real control of my thoughts, feelings or emotions, but my accepted, automatized mind system through the memories, associations, thoughts, feelings, emotions, words, relationships, what can be written down, investigated and forgiven, released and re-defined. Just like that and if one has no idea how to do it, there is support, just like the DESTENIIPROCESS.COM free online course.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to energetically manipulate myself with stress, anxiety and fear to push me forward, because of believing that it is required to move me, to animate me, motivate me, direct me without realizing that it’s not supporting, unnecessary and self-dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve given upon on directly taking responsibility to BE the thing I am doing, thus preventing myself to really equalize, substantiate, manifest and truly express myself in and as the physical, because of this self-created separation I participate within the mind through these energetic experiences induced by specific thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within getting into energetic states during physical application, such as work, gardening, I have the tendency to lose my overview and not consider what my body needs, when to rest, and also become narrowminded and lose perspective, my other responsibilities, commitments, decisions to do, because of the preoccupation of compulsive energetic mind-state of ‘I want this to be done’.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that stress creates a tunnel vision and during my presence and awareness is not here, but in this mind state, experiencing, perceiving and expressing THROUGH and as this stress, which is self-created self-separation.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve lost perspective of letting go the struggle of life and focus to each moment here to appreciate, express and experience the physical movement here without any energetic state in the mind, as it is, as I am, breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the energetic addiction to stress and how easily I can justify and list up excuses for why I ‘have’ stress and how it is not up to me as I’ve been triggered to it and I try to admit that I was/am/will be powerless ‘against’ stress, but in fact I try to manipulate myself to the self-delusion of it’s not my fault, not my responsibility, not my choice, chance and decision, but in fact it is, in each moment equally, always certainly.

I forgive myself that I have not realized directly, immediately and obviously in each given moment of how justifying and having excuses of why accepting and re-creating stress is necessary and even required to express myself as who I am perceiving myself to be without questioning why really, without finding answers to myself of what is the exact starting point, origin and source of this ‘giving up’ within me.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that giving up on myself in relation to stress, even that I am well aware of it’s uncomfortable and not supporting effects on my physical body, on my mental state, on my stability, but justifying it with ‘it helps me face and deal with problems’ and not realizing that I create the extra energy of stress to push me, move me, and not realizing that it is taken from my physical, life force, because I allow myself not to believe in myself, not to trust in myself, not knowing myself and not honouring myself to find out why this is self-dishonest and invest into how to stop it as myself and change my approach and live that unconditionally without stress.

I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself in terms of how much stress I ENDURE and SUPPRESS, just because I give up on learning, changing, expanding, and also of what exact mind-patterns I call upon and then forgiving myself and unlearning, stopping, releasing it from my very beingness, moment by moment.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can actually take the time and make decision, plan and from that I can express myself within presence, self-expression and even enjoyment, and if difficulties, pressure, challenge arises, I embrace it and I trust myself and also realizing that if I would ‘fail’ within it while having stress, then it was also unnecessary and even if I would ‘success’ while being in big stress, then the question I have to ask is that ‘could not I do it without stress actually? How can I?’

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I enjoy being in the tunnel vision, because then time seems to be flying and then no need to see everything around me, consider all existence, all my life, where I am coming from, where I am going to, because in this moment I am completely pre-occupied with ‘this thing I am doing’ and then I only need to be focusing to one thing, and not realizing within this, that I have defined as a good thing to momentarily forget everything else, regardless of their importance, priority, or even necessity, just because of this ‘rush’ experience in this moment to only consider it.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I defined my human physical body as inferior, as machine, as something I can possess through the self-identification of the mind, the thoughts, the feelings, emotions and not realizing that all of those could not work without the physical body, thus even to think that the physical is inferior indicates obsession and possession by thought-patterns, which are completely pre-occupying my mind and thus the whole beingness of me.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within myself when words appear in my mind and I listen to it, react to it, focus to it, while I do something, I am not fully here, because in that moment I am in the mind and not fully aware of what I am doing/experiencing/feeling in and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the consequence of not being here in and as the physical while doing something, because of focusing and following thinking and reactions to it, and thus not becoming aware of the fact that I am giving permission to my mind to react, to also do the action I am doing based on the past and thus not fully embracing and expanding HERE in this new moment, but timelooping based on a conviction I am not aware of directly, such as ‘wanting to be more effective’, ‘wanting to be more prepared’, ‘wanting to automatize actions what I’ve pre-defined as less interesting, boring’, ‘resisting to do it’ or ‘defined as not wanting/enjoying to do it’ – and thus automatically preventing myself to see the source of this self-automation, therefore not giving the chance to realize the self-dishonesty within it, and then supporting myself with change.

I forgive myself that I have believed to be superior if I can go into thinking mode while doing something, believing that then I am doing two things at a time, and thus being able to automatically do things I’ve defined as less interesting, not wanting to do, because the other thing I prefer to focus to I’ve defined as important, more interesting, more enjoyable, and by this automatization hoping that I do not need to be fully here, experiencing directly that, but I can pre-occupy myself with another activity.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the addition to thoughts can be stopped, broken and decomposed by slowing down within, letting the breath be -here – as myself and deciding to do something and then doing it directly and whenever my mind would want to rush to backchat, thinking about the thing I do, then I embrace breathing and I bring myself back here and disregard the thought, and I focus to the details of the very action I’ve decided to do.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can decompose any mind-pattern and to see how I’ve created it and then being able to stop and break the loop, and then exploring new things of what I can actually do if I would stop doing what I always did in this specific situation I am already finding myself as automatized.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to automatically get obsessed with the image and likeness of my desire what I superimpose to reality by focusing to what I want to manifest and meanwhile doing it, not actually directly seeing, experiencing, living the thing I need to do for it, but constantly focusing to the end result, the future, and feeding the action by my energetic reactions to the feeling what I generate by the thinking and imagination of why will be good once I ‘will get there’ and not realizing meanwhile that I am not fully here, I am kind of ‘remote controlling’ my body to make me go there, which becomes actually more difficult as effective and specific work requires direct presence and consistent application HERE, not through the thoughts, emotions, feelings of the mind.

Relevant to this topic, here is this blog post I suggest expanding with:

William’s Process BLOG – Day 294 – Free Mental Energy

to be continued…