Day 350 – Intense realizations with body support

Sometimes when facing a deeper, unconscious self-dishonest pattern to be able to understand and stop, can have these intensified emotional and physical moments and experiences. Sharing about how I am dealing with it and supporting myself with body awareness and applying self-forgiveness to stop the self-dishonest patterns I have been existing as until now. talvlonov7

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Day 345 – Losing principle by emotional storm of fear

IMG_1030Recently I have been participating within emotions and during that period I disregarded some of the principles I have committed to live by, thus I see the self-correction and re-alignment to be required, which I share here. (It opens up a lot more as I walk it – added later)

Scenario: Due to feeling worried and upset, I did not respect others around me the way I previously committed myself to, which then also manifested consequences I did regret later.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get reactive with my worries and fears to the point of automatic justification for disregarding my decision, discipline and principle in general on how to prioritize attention and actions, and in this example as decided to do all I can to express my gratitude and respect for something I was given to, however, due to the overwhelming emotional conflict I accepted within, what lasted for hours, I lost track of my commitments due to the emotional confusion and pain I experienced.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if any justification appears on why to focus only to myself, my ‘feel bad’ experience – is purely self-interest based on fear of loss and fear of fear itself, as perceiving losing something I did not want to lose and not realizing that it’s a perception only and meanwhile facts, reality, others are still ‘here’ in my reality, who I disregard.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that fear of loss is fear of myself as within losing what I hold onto, as a relationship to keep ‘having’ within myself about the subject of fear to lose – and doing it so then in my mind I don’t need to face who I am within and without this relationship, as uncertain, worried, doubtful and unstable and within this, not realizing that what I fear from, I exactly manifest by accepting emotional reactions within myself, thus it’s the worst case scenario literally I focus and react to: I accept and experience fear, I manifest what I fear from and I lose what I do not want to lose.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that what I fear losing and I can lose, was in the first place never ‘mine’, but I defined it within my mind, got attached to it’s mental and emotional hope and comfort thus it’s all a mind-game, meanwhile reality moves, changes, but I am not in sync with it, therefore I am focusing to reacting to a problem, instead of focusing to direct solution and/or prevention.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within focusing to emotions, I am disregarding reality, and in fact my emotions are consequences, self-generated energetic effects of the source of the problem of perceived self-separation and as long as I do not directly focus to that origin point of the problem in terms of actual facts, circumstances, conditions, trigger point, its dynamics: I do not have enough understanding and reality awareness to be able to stop/change it, thus I will not understand how my self-sabotaging emotions are being self-generated, and I will not be able to solve the problem and to understand what is causing the emotional instability, causing me to not be able to live up to my commitments, principles, decisions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within emotional reactional mind- and body-state, I am not making good decisions, here ‘good’, meaning what is best for all participants, including myself in the situation, and thus, whenever making decision, first to clarify if I am not compromised with fear, worry, emotional hurt or petrification of chance of loss of something valuable for me – and if I am indeed compromised, I first stop, forgive myself, re-align, and change my stance, back to physical awareness and then re-assess the situation and make the decision of what and how to act.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry of being rejected, disregarded, thrown out and within that fear not realizing that it feels really bad to experience of such things, because I am not accepting, regarding and embracing myself here unconditionally within consistency, and exactly the very conditions I define of how and why I accepted to fear from rejection/disregard/thrown away, are the self-dishonesty points I have to stand up to and take responsibility for, as those points are what I don’t allow to live myself directly here, but needing something outside of me in the moment, at the exact situation I find myself within.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist applying self-forgiveness, realignment in real time at situations when I see myself being overwhelmed with fear and emotions, because believing, justifying that in that moment, while being among others, I do not have time, opportunity or the right moment to apply practical self-honest self-change, due to fear of missing out what’s here, and in that not realizing that if I am already ‘being within’ emotional reactions, I am in fact already missing out what’s here, thus this justification is not valid, it’s self-manipulative and the opposite of best practical common sense solution, but to intensify the problem.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I worry of being judged if I would ask for a moment, a little time to re-assess, to re-align, re-center myself while being in a conversation, communication, among with others, because I fear that others would judge me as crazy, slow, weird, not ‘professional’ in the sense of needing to take time for such simple actions, what others seem to not do ever and within that not realizing that to stop for some seconds to make the best practical common sense decision should not be resisted but applied naturally, whenever it’s possible.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is completely normal to tell the other(s) who I am communicating with that I recollect myself for a moment, I make the best approach by taking some deep breath and a little time to see this through, and within that, I can apply self-forgiveness within, or if possible, even making some notes, if necessary and it is alright, especially if I recognize that I am in so much worry and fear, and I can see how I have tendency to screw up things up based on by looking at my memories of being in fear, thus fear and worry states should not be accepted.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to directly remember and become aware of all the decisions I’ve made previously when ‘falling into’ emotional instability and thus not realizing that the practical way out of falling into the reality-disregarding emotional vortex is to specifically look at the points I am accepting and allowing to fall into with the reactions and to make a stand in a moment to stand up from it and express that decision until I am fully here – if I can’t snap out of it in a moment as it presents itself, then, I prepare myself for it by writing it and/or voicing it and pre-scripting of how exactly I am going to prevent myself falling into emotion, which in fact is admitting and accepting powerlessness.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within accepting falling into emotional reactions, I admit that I recognize that I can’t act the solution directly and immediately, and then I react to that self-acceptance with fear that I am going to remain like that and within that fear, fearing that this is who I am going to be and become from now on and believing that I can’t do anything about it, and then becoming worried and afraid, and within that energetic experience, I keep accepting me being powerless to do anything to solve the original problem, because I focus to judging my situation as ‘bad’ and not focusing to solution.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I use emotional worry, fear to stimulate myself into different mind state, wherein I hope that based on this ‘pressure’ and uncomfortability, I will start to act, to try to solve the problem and within that not realizing/seeing and understanding that with this, I am not directly here, I am influenced within my awareness by the emotion, the nature of the relationship to the point I react with and thus I am compromised and handicapped to not being able to make the best practical decision due to the experience of emotion/worry/fear.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I accept myself to exist within separation with my fear, meaning I am not equal with it, but it can come and go apparently, and also I can’t stop it – thus I accept it as more superior and directive than myself being here and not realizing that it’s a result of accumulated self-acceptance, and with accumulated effort of standing up moments I can break through and stop this pattern.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not focus to the actual source points of emotional instability directly and immediately when about to arise, which is, in this example: fear of rejection, disregard, fear of humiliation and disrespect and within that not realizing that the moment I start fearing of these happening to me, I am not acting directly and immediately to see: what I actually can do to prevent/stop reacting with these self-definition experiences, not being in the way of practical application for the original, source issue I face.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within emotional reaction state, I actually had a thought to still do what I committed to do, to share my respect and gratitude for what I was given to, but within the feeling hurt emotional experience and fear of rejection, I immediately disregarded that idea, and within that not realizing that the value I wanted to express, I equally disregarded, just as I feared to be disregarded, and within that not realizing that the self-expression I honestly wanted to live, I literally disregarded, and thus – in fact I disregarded myself, manifesting my fear to become real.

Self-corrective statements:

  • When and as I feel becoming emotional, when I start to worry or fear, I stop, I become aware of my physical body, it’s mass, gravity, it’s movement, how it is being alive, breathing, and to realize, it is the self-honest way to express myself and not to get reactive emotions. As the point and relevance here is not itself the physical details, but the self-decided and directed equalization of my awareness across and among my physical, mind and beingness in equality, thus I do not fall into any of those within and as consequential manifested self-separation through judgement and fear.
  • When and as I fear and worry, I realize I am accepting this and I can decide to stop, within that I look why do not I stop fearing, what is the value I fear losing, is that value I really have power over? It is to realize that what I fear from, I am already on the ‘have no power about’ side, and with the fear I accept it and justify it even further, so I can hide behind fear from powerlessness.
  • I commit myself to stop giving into the fear and to realize it is because I am not standing as equal as my fear, and thus I have no power over it, thus I can’t stop, I keep feeding, experiencing and being slave of it, because I, in fact fear to be equal with my fear, because within it I could see that it’s delusion, it’s nothing, but I do not want to realize, let go, because gives false hope, purpose, without needing to take responsibility and own my reality as who I am as LIFE.
  • When and as I worry that if I disrespect others while falling into worry and fear, rejection and disregard, I realize that it is, because I do not let go the fear of rejection, fear of disregard, because I do not want to be disregarded, which is in fact the self-created relationship with myself, but projected out to others, and not wanting to recognize the pattern of I am disregarding myself here, and noone else can be blamed and the only solution is to take all back to self and stop participating and let go everything I do not direct and to decide what practical action I can do and is it self-honest or not, and if not, then I let that go as well and focus to what potential I can live as LIFE.

This assisted me a lot and not much later I was able to see behind my fear and stop it with realizing what I was not seeing before. But I had to walk this whole rough period to support myself to stand up from it. I will continue with what I have realized and I am still applying, whenever the fear or judgement pops up in my mind and I immediately take responsibility and re-align Self Here as Life.

In advance: this 2 interviews are exceptional support for the same type of longer-term mind-possession I was within in relation to my fears and I suggest them to everyone:

 

Day 344 – Becoming ‘Unreactive’

20171022_160920About Feeling upset/hurt and reactive – which means a give up experience I see within and not liking it, and feeling bad about not doing and/or feeling that can’t do anything about it.

Well, not literally a give up experience, rather as a thought pattern and results in some fear of loss, fear of failure, a doubt, but it is rare and it relates to the changes I committed myself to live in my life as facing unknown, it’s not specific, in this sense in regarding to my decisions, actual commitments, this worry is not ‘personal’. It’s just mind stuff.
Although the specific reaction I participated within, that can’t be more personal.

How not react to this inner consequential outflow but focus to what I can act, prevent and solve is the topic today.

Not to react – yet – not to suppress either is also key, but that I will continue with later.

I have watched a film character review video essay on ‘James Bond’. Kind of silly, as whatever that character does in any of the Bond films is obviously pre-scripted, specialists worked for years on how he should act, react, not act or not react, how to move, what clothes to wear, what and how to say, etc.

But there was a great point in the review video, which I express here as it is related to what re-design of myself I am working currently with.

“How James Bond is the man of Action, but also he is the man of Inaction. He is unreactive, whenever his life isn’t immediately in danger. Bond doesn’t waste energy on needless anger, frustration, threats or worry. If he can change something to his benefit, he’ll act, otherwise, he just moves on. This makes sure that he doesn’t get stuck in his head reliving past mistakes or worrying about the future….What action needs to be taken to shift things?”

Within my process I realized similar to become effective. Well, the video explains it as starting point of ‘charisma and be liked’ – for me that’s not the point, but to trust myself and don’t go to reactions but to solving with direct actions.

Reaction, as ‘activity’ – well, more literally it’s ‘passivity’ – when I am emotionally reactive to the fact that I feel that I have no power to solve something I do not like, and thus I focus to the reaction, instead of trusting myself and to do to something to change the outcome, give myself the power to be able to solve the problem.

Someone insults me and I react – why? In this sense, until there is no actual threat – why to waste any energy?

Unreactive is a cool word in this sense.

Just look at little children – when they learn to walk – they fall and maybe cry, but then they keep learning and falling, and eventually will be able to walk – they don’t focus too much on reacting to a mistake meanwhile – they just move on. Great example.

  • I forgive myself that I have ever wasted any moment to go into emotional reactions and stop expressing, stop moving, stop trusting my actions and to focus to and go into the deep pits of my mind, instead of applying the ‘just do it’ with self-directed physical and presence, reality and circumstances-awareness.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized each and every single time when I am becoming reactive, emotional, going into worry, fear that at that moment I am delving into a ‘give up’ experience, and that I actually recognize and I start reacting to – thus I do not focus to the original point, but how I judge that according to my past, conclusions, convictions, memories, values, previously accepted and lived out fears and experiences.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within the moment of slipping into emotional reactions I have the opportunity and authority to snap out of it, and directly see the problem and to immediately act for the solution – and if it is not clear what action that might be, then the immediate action is the investigation, or making notes, or looking at surrounding ‘points’, things to understand in order to support the solution.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that each and every single time I give into fear and worry, a ‘reactive’, emotional negative experience, I am creating myself as this self-acceptance for giving up in relation to fear itself, and the point I connect with fear, as powerlessness, as doubt, as self-sabotage, and all the accumulation within grows and to be able to stand up to, I should accumulate the same with self-direction, stopping, assisting myself to come back, not give into fear, worry, hope, but to look what actions I can do here, today, tomorrow and do it, and if seems too difficult, instead of fearing and doubting, to look at how can I ask for support, assistance as realizing that it’s not about me, me, me, but the problem and it’s solution.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that resisting to ask for support based on fear of becoming vulnerable and weak is not valid as it also can happen that while accepting support I learn something and expand, so thus, next time I will be able to do it myself, and within this ‘I want to be independent, solve alone’ arrogant and ego-state of mind, in fact I am still within fear, which is not the most effective way, and then I shall ask that what’s more important here, me, and my righteousness, or solving the things ahead, which might involve others as well, and within that I only give more opportunity to not solve and then later more self-judgement to blame myself and justify why I need to fight more, alone, to another forms of vicious self-eating cycles, instead of just focus to what’s the best common sense option and go for it without hesitation.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I am not in immediate physical danger, there is no point to really take it personally and seriously to a way, when I should justify to get emotional and reactive, and if it is indeed life-threatening point I am facing, then anyway no point, time and reason to get into emotions, but immediate action, so it is to realize, I have to stand up to be able to say no and stop participating within reactions and to apply all efforts to actions.

It is possible to re-wire one’s behavior and personality and that self-transformation is simple, doable for anyone with simple steps and it’s extraordinary how much we can change within ourselves, and then living that among others as well, to be able to feel more directly, to enjoy and learn, expand and grow more freely and naturally. Supporting myself fruits supporting others more effectively as well, thus it’s indeed the best common sense decision and motivation to do a little bit of self-investigation and re-alignment here and there.