Day 377 – Fall out from movement

P1020217Sometimes I find myself being stopped doing the things usually am enthusiastic/motivated about.
Almost would be identified as getting bored – or blocked.
When this mind state is not active, I am always eager to do those activities, such as creating or learning something(walking the mind consciousness system correction, learning or playing music, researching technology, video-making, etc).

Instead of those, I just want to entertain, which is not even really true.

What contradicts with this is that I usually have no much ‘free time’ to do the things I like to do and with this state, it is pretty obvious that I am kind of wasting my time on things what are not really relevant.

It even occurs to me that I am being harsh on myself and so rarely taking it easy that it feels like being suppressed, and once it’s too often – then it needs to be done for a while to get fullfilled. Meaning to do nothing? Something like that. But it’s deeper than that. There are trigger points, reactions what invoke this state.

Well, in general, my attitude to doing nothing is that it’s defined as bad, thus I should not do it.

I got a cold, my head kind of feels heavy and sneezing and got wet nose all day, so what felt comfortable today was mostly watching movies or videos and having multiple daytime sleeps.
And now feeling kind of bad that night is coming, I am tired doing nothing and wasted a day not doing the things I usually do.

This happened before, not once, so definitely a pattern, thus this self-introspection is what I do about it.

I am not worried about that my hobbies are not true or real, as before, because in the past happened – I did not want to touch the music instruments and I thought – this must mean all my passion for learning and doing music was fake, self-dishonest.
I also note to self – hobbies, activities, enthusiasms, passion, commitments, fun, expansion – various definitions to things I justify worth spending time and effort with in daily basis.

I do not say that now all is exposed and these activities are not real or me, it’s just still strange that I am not consistent and it raises the question, is it okay or not, am I dishonest or not – and if the question comes, it means I am not certain that if I am not dishonest.

Yesterday crystalized a realization that I lack discipline, I need to work on that, redefine it, unlearn some patterns in relation to it.

And today I feel having total lack of discipline.

Indeed, I also feel sick and want to recover as fast as I can, and in these situations I usually rest more, do not drink coffee or tea(only herbs), so I am not that focused on what I do as with those I can.

I have listed the things I want to ‘progress with’, just for myself.

Obviously most of them is difficult or its a long term process and not really effective or even possible to do when being ill – so then why feeling bad when stopping for a day?

Because it’s not self-directed, no self-agreement, clarity – it rather happens and feeling no control, that’s why the doubt in those things, in myself and not being able to tell if this is okay or not.

Next morning

Writing down this really assisted as all seems ‘back on track’ – after morning shower it was natural to grab the guitar and continue with my usual practice schedules.

Instead of inflating a space in my mind, allowing thoughts of doubt and judgement, it’s clear that this can happen, next time will investigate further or even being able to prevent myself going into the same pattern.

Today spent some time under bright, warm sun and my illness was reduced – so tonight was great to have a coffee and continue with the music learning, playing and this writing.

I keep telling to individuals, who face challenges that writing with the starting point of being absolute honest with oneself(or thriving on developing that ability) can really support with stabilization and accumulation of practical understanding of problems and thus solutions too.

For instance by looking back to yesterday’s writing(beginning of this post) – it’s clear to me that some of those activities I used to self-define myself, some quite automatically, thus to doubt myself doing those seem quite placed, yet that self-questioning should not manifest within emotional, worry- and doubt-based distracting and quite unpleasant experiences.
Rather to provide opportunity to ask and answer to myself, literally explore intimacy by becoming honest with myself without any extra layer, personality or pretending.

There was this TV series, Lucifer – mentioned here before – one of his ‘abilities’ was to be able to ask anyone ‘What do you desire truly’ – and people just dropped their act and answered him – imagine that ability with self, all the time.

At first consideration this is always the case – ‘I always know what I really, truly want’ – in this moment to eat, then in the next moment to find a lady, in the next moment, get money, then get a job, then get a car, then get this and that, watch this movie, that TV series – these all seem absolutely self-honest at first sight, but once one dares to scratch the surface, many things in our life can become quite bipolar – in a way – absolutely, but on the other hand – not really.

Temptation is a funny thing. Just recently, I saw an advertisement about an used synth, it’s really great deal, I know a friend, and also a famous musician using that instrument on stage and all of a sudden I have this compulsion that I NEED THAT INSTRUMENT! I checked reviews, plays, samples, documentation, forums and it’s obviously great deal, I was really feeling it – then I considered my current situation and realized, it is not really necessary – would be fun and cool, maybe later even could become a really great value to me in terms of using and benefiting with it, but at the moment, it just would make me feel great for a while.

But until the decision to look at it with common sense – I was so convinced.

I actually enjoy this ability – to review – it’s like when I spend a day with a cool lady and then all of a sudden I feel defined – I am in love – wow – and then I let this experience go, enjoy as it lasts and dissipates – and next day I can explore other things with this person – not saying feeling or defining experiences of attraction is bad – just it’s great to realize – it’s just an experience and to see what’s beyond.

Same with all kinds of desire – for an item or a person – but if I am honest with myself – I can see how I created this experience – and that’s responsibility – based on the context, situation and reality to see if it’s supportive/beneficial/practical.

I am aware of that many people just LOVE the idea of ‘falling in love’ suddenly, unexpectedly and it feels magical, especially when it’s mutual – it’s like people desire to have that kind of desire and almost as they hope for it and when it comes, it’s just no questions asked, jumping into it type of situation.

In this sense – to see of my ‘activities’ with what I want to have the experience of progressing, expanding with – am I doing the best potential or am I simply pleasing myself by following my desires without reality context.

And as I look through my list – it’s not really about any of those would be ‘not honest choice, thus should be dropped’ – but simply prioritizing is just as important as picking topics to do.

What I see as doubt in regarding to prioritizing is that some things I want to do are more difficult and sometimes unconsciously ‘getting’ less priority, than they should.

As for instance I started to write an article about a topic I investigated and found to be relevant to share my realizations about, yet around 70%, I postponed it and since almost 2 months did not continue – yet it’s in my mind whenever considering to do something with ‘free time’ – and is it a burden or an annoyance? Is it my decision, commitment or discipline – and in regarding to these and the article – who am I living these words truly honestly to myself?

Relevant to note, it’s great to question and deduct myself from time to time, but need to have a structured, practical and reliable way to support practical understanding and growth on studying and expanding with self-honesty and developing clarity and consistency.

That’s how I find the Desteni I Process course and Writing Self-honesty blog within the Journey to Life process as the greatest pillar within assisting and supporting my expansion of practical awareness.

To get to know the basic components of the human mind, how those are operating, recognizing them within my daily word usage, within thoughts, spoken words or in living action – it’s exceptional to understand more, to see how and why I am created the way I behave today and if something I become aware of that could be better – provides effective ways to support practical change.

I am just going to work on my homework/assignment within that specific course’s current lesson’s assignment I am busy with these days.

There are points in my current life what require a bit more attention to re-align and change, and thus it’s just a specific enjoyment to realize – I trust myself within this that I am changing myself from doubt and judgments to clarity and responsibility.

This post opened up a lot of points. Let’s close it with some realizations.

  • When and as I am ill and sick – look back how was my latest experiences, reactions, what might triggered the imbalance within me, my body and wholeness, health to shake and how I feel, experience, define or judge myself in regarding to anything I am not proud of, clear about or feeling not being absolutely honest about.
  • When and as I note that I am ill, sick, physically or cognitively, mentally or emotionally less firm, I recognize the necessity to find ways to rest, not to push myself but to recover and find other ways to express self-movement than the usual ways what require more focus, strength and endurance, such as work on being present, bring myself to the center of my beingness presence, breathe in and out with self-expression and let go any judgement, emotional reaction about my state and if makes sense, making notes to future breakdown of patterns, decomposition of mind-constructs to correct and forgive.
  • When and as I am feeling weaker physically, I realize, I need to rest more and not focus on wanting to push myself then, but committing myself to be able to do as such once I recover, and make sure working on removing the resistances to that, working on establishing consistency within self-direction and self-trust by applying the tools of self-forgiveness, self-correction and self-commitment.
  • When and as I feel compelled to buy or do something, I realize its a conviction, an emotional pulse, which justifies to not consider my location, situation, reality within awareness, and I should breathe and see what’s really practical and what not.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized to have the tendency to want to have this writing to be full and complete and within it the compulsion to ride the moment because its here, and this is because I do not trust myself that I will keep writing this within consistency.
    This is something related to also the psychedelic drug habits I had, as this moment is special, I need to do until I am in this state, as this state is not self-created, directed, but occurred to me due to circumstances caused by myself or something else, but indirectly, and within that not realizing that I am animated by energy, not self – thus will not be consistent and the common sense to decompose the pattern and source of that energetic reaction in my mind and take decision myself.
  • When and as I worry that I do have to ride this moment until it lasts, I realize – this is something I can do anytime, and if I really wish to, yet resisting it, then I have to work on the resistance first to be able to decompose and walk through, and within that to realize that not energetic reactions, such as growing frustration of self-created anger due to judging myself still existing within self-limitation is the way, but by understanding my own prison in my mind and brick by brick, bar by bar removing my own walls and cages with specificity of awareness of how and why I have created these.
  • When and as I question my priorities in my life, activities I daily, monthly or weekly participate within, I realize, first to stop reacting with emotions, stop the fear and doubt, by seeing it’s source and forgive myself for accepting such virtue and then to be able to see what is common sense within my own life and how to establish direct and honest self-communication with myself on what is doable, what is walk-able in mid-and long term and who I am as life to commit this living breath to live as.
  • When and as I remind myself on things, activities, commitments, projects I have started yet did not continue or finish, I stop judging myself, stop defining myself but bringing myself here with empty and directive mind as breathing awareness presence direction to decide what to do about it and then live that decision and if any resistance coming up to live that decision, then deal with it, write about it, walk the timeline and self-forgiveness process necessary.
  • When and as I find myself to wait for my direction and will to return, I realize, it is not something I can wait for, or if something makes me direct, then it is not direct self-honest movement, thus I am compromised by the separation I exist from that ability to initiate and move with and as that decision, and thus it is to decompose that pattern which I give permission to automatically control me.
  • When and as I am waiting for feeling better, energized or disciplined, I realize that if something comes by waiting, it is not directly me, thus I need to focus on catching myself accumulating energetic reactions, thoughts, feelings and emotions to see how I am indirectly manipulate myself to be moved, and thus being subjected to forces outside of my self-will and direction within me consistently.

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Day 376 – Doubt and growth

P1010317Today’s menu:

Need to be absolutely sure – doubt within starting point, details of behavior.
Fear of being resisted, challenged, dominated – inferiority, fear of loss, fear of fear.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed to be honest with myself that the conviction of ‘need to be absolutely sure’ to do something is in it’s core is doubt, because I do not trust MYSELF HERE UNCONDITIONALLY, but the relationship, the point about to want to be sure, the conviction I want to be perfect to support my certainty and within that not realizing that I focus to perfect something based on a self-dishonest premise, which is not real to overcome a manifested behavior here, which is real: my acted out doubt in relation to myself, action and self-trust.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that to not move, initiate, start, live with the conviction of need to be absolutely sure first is self-sabotage, because I do not allow actual, physical and living space and time to find my ground, self-trust within living trial, but first want to model, virtualize, imagine and think it through in a way what satisfies and overcomes my originally self-accepted existence of doubt, and within that wanting to use this model and practise to break through the starting point of: fear of failure, fear of making mistake, fear of manifesting irreversible consequences.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only way I can really learn and expand is to live, to try, to make mistakes and fail, so then in real time I can start understanding cause and effect, how reality works based on common sense, practicality and accumulation.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the tendency to doubt, to stutter, to even petrify myself for apparently tiny moments during my day is accepted as normal to the degree of not even being aware of and thus missing opportunities, moments of expression, expansion and thus growth, based on the convictions of I first must be sure, convinced, justified and reasoned with to do something and within that not seeing/realizing and understanding that the very model and starting point of such logical thinking is flawed with doubt, fear of mistake and experiences, memories, automatic judgments and feelings/emotions, based on my past, wherein not allowing to step beyond of those patterns, thus not really expanding, trying new, but always repeating the same cycles in the hope of this time will break through, while the common sense is to first reveal, decompose, forgive and let go all those patterns and see with virgin eye, act with direct movement and to not rely on my past, of what I am not absolutely sure about, and even if so, to re-question if it’s really-really trustworthy to the degree of putting all my life on it and being able to risk not to grow if this is false/self-dishonest.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to change my obsession to be sure and certain, right and eliminating doubt means that I must do express perfection and then becoming obsessed with finding the possibly best approach and wanting, expecting to do that without consideration of where I am currently, my current status, location, opportunities and options, from which I actually can start to consider, structure and plan an actual process of progress and manifestation of the wished outcome and for that to be able to remain consistent within this process without relying on manipulating and stimulating myself in relation to doubt and confidence emotions/feelings, but only focusing on what’s real in and as the physical realm, measurable, obvious.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that to consider my doubt as a point to deal with or overcome based on feelings and emotions, thoughts and reasoning is not self-honest, thus accepting self-limitation, as I do accept the starting point of doubt and want to accept it to exist within the equation in a way that without it, the whole process of planned or actual progress becomes inconsistent, unpredictable or even sabotaged.

For instance a pattern: frustration – if there is no frustration, I do not push to get through a resistance, a limitation, let it be inner, such as worry, excuses, justifications – or external, such as not having enough time, skill, money or power to do something – and within that deliberately boosting my want to overcome that by annoyance and frustration to the point of no matter what, need to get through that – but once I do that, the very motivation to keep moving, directing, expanding becomes un-fueled as the frustration itself was the energy to move, and then finding myself not moving anymore, until again facing another or even the same type of source of frustration.

It’s similar to addiction – for instance to drugs(or sex or alcohol or buying) – one uses it to distract or escape from an experience, related to what’s present within one’s life – and thus the action one does in relation or with/based on/under of the subject of the addiction – and the initial experience fades, one feels great – and moves on – but then the same, unresolved, ran away/distracted from experience, situation returns, and one has a choice: do the same as before, which seemed maybe easier: to repeat the distraction, entertainment, or even self-destruction(getting wasted).

In this sense, people do not realize their addiction to their mind-cycles, and all the automatic compromises they accept and allow for having the ‘balanced and in control self’ – while it’s all self-created self-dishonest self-delusion.

And then people can get to the point of all day want to be high/drunk/etc – for admittedly to avoid to face their responsibility, in reality, what awaits them to deal with, walk through, solve, stand up to – or they just want to have regular boosts to ‘refill’ their ‘don’t feel bad too strongly’ shield. Either way, everything we do or don’t do – accumulate.
Just as our decision-making, and thus personality. As from the starting point one relies to the decisions, consequences and then how judged them in terms of their priority of interest(feeling good, being right for self or others too), thus behavior, habits, personality patterns form, crystallize and automatize.
Of course, most of the justifications are around the points of self-dishonesties, but within the context of making those decisions, ‘logical process’ – they seem totally reasonable, because one acted upon those already, many times.

“Don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it”

But usually people do.

I rather not generalize, but I can recognize this pattern within myself – thus it’s my responsibility to decompose, forgive for accepting and allowing and to see the specific trigger points, thus when next time about to manifest, I can see the predictable outcome if I don’t stop/change based on acknowledging what I already accepted and allowed – and thus to really stop and change.

And if anyone else recognizes this pattern within themselves, this might be an example or encouragement of why or how to support oneself to stop and change patterns within one’s behavior to expand, grow and live.

In this – I recognize that doubt-based resistances to break through with accumulating frustration is not supporting consistent expansion and creation, movement and direction, because as long as emotion/reaction-based energy is part of the equation, I am subjected to, dependent on, compromised by that relationship to that specific word-based trigger point, what should be identified honestly and understand within absolute specificity. So better to have decision, direction, commitment and principle and focus on manifesting clarity with self-communication, self-honesty and practical understanding.

Such as my point of decomposing, forgiving and letting go defining enjoyment within perfection only. Meaning perfection not with and as self as self-honesty, but trying to perfect the experience and the judgement of the relationships I form with things/people. That’s a trap. Just as naming it as inspiration for instance.

A tiny example: I re-started to learn Spanish guitar play – starting with basic techniques, such as ‘andalusian cadence’ – and it progresses alright as practicing every day a little. I am aware of what I want to do, be able to do, so it’s obvious what to do and kind of how.

And then last night found a player on youtube, who plays devilishly great – in my judgement – Tom Ward, playing Liszt Ferenc Hungarian Rhapsody 2 with ‘perfection’ in technique, effortlessness and passion – and I was like – this is the level I desire to reach – and the whole expression of his is very personal and unique and specific – the desire was within this perceived perfection. And I was immediately distracted with this desire, and from that point, my basic practices seemed soooooo far from where he is already at – and I defined this as inspiration – although it’s – if using it to my own process – distraction from the original experience of frustration accumulating during practicing a new thing.

I had lot of judgments before about this, such as ‘it’s useless skill, it’s just self-interest’, why not learn economy, or something to make more money with, or doing something for others, or creating something what helps solving problems in the world.

And then what I reasoned with is that no matter what I do, I always face myself within it, thus to expand, does not matter what it is, but the self-honesty within that process is what matters. Well, obviously in the context of equality and principle of do onto others what I would like to receive, based on the fact that this existence is a closed system, thus what goes around, comes around, even if not seeing the patterns due to complexity.

So what I concluded with was that I do the things I must do, and prioritize, and based on that it looks like doing this for some minutes per day is fine and I can learn and apply a lot of points I have already realized within walking Process, and also discover – and then share new, emerging points as well.

Also what is being revealed is that am I using learning guitar to distract myself from something else, with experiences, enthusiasm feelings, frustrations, resistances and walkthrough…

As for me – mountain climbing, when about to climb the Everest, even by risking my and others life – seems absolutely dumb, no doubt – and when I say that I can understand why people would want to acclaim that – what I really say is that – my justification self accepts and respects their justification self.

Of course, I do not want to be judged, so I shall not judge others either – which is also self-dishonest, based on having the starting point of an initial judgement, of ‘not to be judged by me doing this or that’, because I actually and already judge myself about it.

It’s tricky – and one would even consider that this whole article seems crazy and kind of insane – except that as I write it, as I see these to unfold in front of me – I breathe, I see, and I realize points to understand and if necessary: change and stop.

To just finish the example point about guitar – since years I have this aim/goal to play certain type of music with guitar, yet always starting, then stopping, then later re-starting, then stopping again – so it’s not consistent. And my justification was that ‘it’s not priority’ – and certainly it is not, it’s rather a hobby, a way to relax and enjoy.
And to recognize that, that it’s alright to not take this seriously can also come from self-communication and self-agreement. In this reflection – what I worded – effortlessness, passion, precise technique – and voila – it’s already much more tangible, doable – to focus on teaching myself – or unlearning patterns to allow myself to grow like that…In this sense, it’s not just about what I need to do, but also undo – as natural learning ability is the greatest.

IF – there is no self-dishonest justification and energetic mind accumulation in-between self and living. But if there is, then that is self-dishonesty and I want or not, if I accept this pattern within this ‘not priority’ aspect of myself, I might accept and live out within other, ‘priority’ aspect of myself too, thus discipline and principled living is suggested within all aspects of self.

As an excuse can be easily accepted by – this is not important – this moment is less relevant, now I can accept some little white lie, while in more important moments I can play the holy man – and voila – we are at the spiritual religious self-fuckery state, where one separates things, experiences, oneself based on ways to justify self-interest.

Meanwhile, in reality, all moments, breathe in and out, opportunity to be self-honest here in and as the physical body, in and as the physical reality – all are equal. No more holy, divine moments, people or actions – obviously, sometimes one has to have more attention, like while driving, but this type of justification can lead to some serious self-dishonesty.

Such as – I do not have to be self-honest while just killing all those pests, animals in my house – as now I can just kill the mofos with rigid ruthlessness, instead of considering why they are here, what I did what lead this to happen, can I see the bigger picture, is there any way to deal with this.

Or typical – to allow crazy, even abusive thoughts to run around – smile at someone while thinking that ‘what an a$$h0le’ – as believing that what I think is less holy than what I actually do: smiling as that is good, but while in fact having this resentment.

That’s why there is no middleground with self-honesty – and it is extremely difficult to never fall – but in the same way it’s very simple to allow myself to be intimate with myself to really see – am I dishonest, even just a little bit about anything or not.

This I wanted to pronounce about my starting point of doubt and worry to do something if not perfect, because the only way to really learn and grow, to expand is by mistakes – and in theory I can be master of myself, my mind, but if I do not even move I will not see what I still miss, thus not taken into consideration to actual, practical, real understanding, thus will not be able to change.

Each moments are equal, so if I am really good to not fall into a self-dishonest pattern in the day’s 99.99%, but in the remaining 0.01%, certainly and always – then the judgment of ‘mostly I am great’ does not mean much if there is always a cyclic point of ‘then always falling into this inevitably’, as it just restarts the cycle of not changing, and thus need to broaden the understanding the whole multidimensional dynamics of my participation and experiences, reactions and thoughts/feelings/emotions in that particular physical timeline.

That’s where Desteni I Process Pro online course is the greatest assistance by the Mind Constructs technique – to write down the actual timeline of what happened, also adding what I experienced, thought, all the patterns, building blocks of my participation and correlate to reality, within self-honesty – so then I clearly can discover all the patterns I live by, so then there can no remain any justification or excuse, because all is in front of me, thus can assist and support myself with change.

And that is what the greatest potential and power in existence, really – as we can accept ourselves as flawed, tainted, scarred, limited and handicapped – or we learn and grow out of those, one by one – with support, assistance and actual enjoyment of self-liberation, which undoubtedly accumulates to all existence as the whole is nothing but all it’s parts together.

Day 341 – A moment of doubt vs Facts

IMG_9494Stabilizing within Self-forgiveness.

Continuing from yesterday’s blog.

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have allowed myself to fall into fear of loss and doubt experience and started to judge myself as ‘I did not do all what I could for what I committed myself to accumulate’ and within that believing that if I doubt, fear – that obviously means that I did not do everything I could, all I did was not good enough and not real, thus it’s no question that my experience of ‘fear and doubt’ is right and true, thus my judgement of myself is righteous, the justification for my fear, doubt and worry to accept is righteous, thus I give into the instability and fear.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if there is someone who I value very much, I perceive that judges, doubts or misunderstands me, that must be automatically true, thus start fearing and worrying, assuming and doubting myself without cross-referencing, looking, seeing and understanding facts.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to value and trust my action, self-honesty, consistency and commitment, direction and movement but actually trust my doubt, fear more than facts, reality and practical common sense.

Writing this very sentence down right now to see this pattern in front of me for the first time in my life – is invaluable. (The first Self-forgiveness statement)

I am grateful to be able to see this point. Never this clearly before. This is why I not just write my blog at home under the bed, but SHARING it, as this process is effective.

Facing self, points, reactions, fears, understanding the patterns I and my mind and body constitute as one and equal to be able to stop participating within self-dishonesty is the very essence of the Process of Self-honesty, referred as Journey to Life. From Consciousness system to Living Awareness.

Continuing with the actual pattern: It’s like how polarity works – specifically positive thinking. It’s just one tiny, singular miss-step, one moment of a thought self-defined as negative is enough to infest my whole positivity and fall into it – thus proving the whole thing to be just a façade, a mirage. My relationship with the point yes, but in terms of accumulated consequences? Not necessarily!

It’s like the whole Process of finding out and start living as Self-honest, first at moments, then more moments, and then to be able to move and interact like that, to correct in real time, and then if I make mistake, or even I feel I have failed, fallen, I go back to the basics and write more, apply more self-forgiveness, understand further and specify, not only with writing, but sounding, to resonate the voice, to hear if there is any doubt, reaction, association, to look there too, to clarify, further specify and cross-reference until to the utmost specificity and see all clearly.

And even if one walks this process since years, can be ‘fucked up’ for a moment, or even for an hour – but then – the whole process already walked is not disappearing, oh no!

I re-align, I ground myself back here and I continue walking, no matter what, who I am is not a choice, or if it is, I am still figuring out what it means, what are the potentials, of who I can be, thus it’s actually never done, but expanding day by day, moment by moment. Thus never allow a fear or doubt to make you believe that can invalidate true commitment, real dedication to become principled with all life!

In relation to my doubt and fear – I know that I have been pushing a point since months consistently, every single day, not literally sure that I did ALL I could do as there could not have been done BETTER – but who I was every day, according to that, I pushed myself to the limits.
Thus, to doubt myself, or to anyone doubt me within the actual application is actually irrelevant – yet if I can be fallen into worry, fear based on anyone’s opinion – then it’s my doubt within myself and nothing to do with anyone else but self here.

‘Irrelevant’ maybe not in totality if the person is relevant in my life, but in terms of giving into doubt and fear – completely.

It still can be that my actual communication, interaction, sharing can be adjusted, aligned, improved – yet I have to be able to see what is good, what is not, and there is no such thing that ‘all of myself, altogether is full of shit’ – specify, document, cross-reference everything and practical understanding prevails.

If I look into myself, I directly see, understand and realize that I had no singular doubt, except that day I have explained in my previous blog, and within that point and emotional reaction’s nature, I also revealed that it was not really a single doubt, but a consequence of energetic reactions, somewhat related to my actions, yet it’s not related to my commitment, action and direction.

The doubt was also partly of the extent of ‘leap of faith’ – ‘vulnerability’ and facing Unknown – and how else could I fear the Unknown, as I have already some idea and imagination about it? Thus it’s not real, the doubt is not valid. Thus I saw that point, I re-align and I move forward. I should not judge myself, a child when learns walking or talking, also does not give up, does and does and does until it’s done, fact, here.

Thus I recognize that I should trust action and facts, movement and direction, and even if for a moment I allow myself to be mesmerized by ANY fear – I shall look facts, action and direction, focus to movement and realize that if I invalidate all I have already done by any kind of fear, then I should not judge the whole being of myself and all what I have done, as if I follow the spiral of emotion, the energy, the storm, the instability, uncertainty, sadness and doubt – but to immediately ANCHOR myself back to the physical and be the EYE of the storm and to see what directly feeds this fear point, and my relationship with it.

Instead of looking of the effects, the storm, the energy, the e-motion – to look the trigger point, the judgement, the mental relationship I feed with thoughts, feelings and emotions and to see how it’s been created – how I am creating and how to STOP it; to see what to do to prevent it, so that next time it would arise – I don’t participate, thus the storm does not inflate as I let it go, I forgive, I change, I re-align and focus to practical common sense and action.

I have the tendency to connect, to share, the need for living response-ability – but first and foremost it’s within and in relation to self here.

As to create Heaven on Earth starts with self here – Everyone is so confused and doubtful about how to make Earth a better place – it’s so damn simple but no one is looking, walking, living it, because the actual Hell we can clean up is within and as SELF, which is at the limit or even beyond of our ability to direct, because of how we give this permission to the mind every single day.

Any thought of doubt, fear, worry, judgement, anger or hate, desire or disgust – hope or despair – if it’s in the mind, if it makes me feel moods and ups and downs – it’s EGO – the MIND, and there are techniques to understand and be able to deal with it. Anyone can do it, even a child or a very-very old person as well. It’s not technological, not spiritual, not religious, it’s common sense – and based on the most powerful mathematical equation – 1+1 = 2.

Accumulation – that’s Give as you would like to receive – consistent application is the key, with self-change as well.

And be aware that even for a moment you start to question and doubt yourself, as it’s the EGO’s nature to trick and con – look at the facts, the action you have done, the accumulation, the structure, the plan, the reality-awareness, thus can’t get caught with the temptation of energetic storms to blow you around, like a kite in the wind.

Anyone can judge you, usually it’s yourself who judges self the most, but when someone else does – still should not fall into the doubt, unless the accusation is valid.

I used to think – if anyone doubts me or says something about me, it must be true, thus I just went into self-introspection, self-worry, self-doubt mode – and it’s better indeed to check what the other person refers as might be true. But until I do not actually see with practical common sense, there is no place for doubt.

And if there is ‘room for improvement’, as the other indicated – it’s awesome, gratefulness, as now I am more aware than I was, thus it’s supportive.

Just I have to be really-really self-honest in this – to not just say to myself ‘ah, what the other said to me/about me is just bullshit, I am so cool, no way’ – and then usually there is justification: ‘because blah blah’ – so then I use that justification to seal my denial of the information I got – AFTER I rejected it, AFTER I reacted to it. Not self-honest!

Thus – I stand here, no doubt, no fear – still aligned, still in direction – and anyone judges me or doubts me – that can be about the person as well actually, but better to be aware of what’s going on within myself all the time. And the more I am aware of what I participate within, how I do, what I do – the less ‘time’ I need to ‘check’ if what the other says is true or not – yet never get to the point of automatically reject anything or get overconfident, but to stay humble and grateful.

For instance at university somehow it was a habit among my friends to say ‘you son of a bitch’ – just in my native language its more insulting, as the literal translation is ‘your mother is a whore’ – yet when I was told to – I felt really insulted and got really angry, and then I realized – My mother is not a whore, and even if she would be, which is not the case, why would I be automatically triggered to lose my temper and head? Does not make sense. Still obviously mirrors the other’s lack of respect and ability for compassion and decency, that’s al-right. Yet it’s not if I lose myself into an emotional storm, whenever anyone says such.

Another example: I have been participating within some job interviews – and there was rejection, not one, not two – and I also had the ‘choice’ to decide – if I feel bad or not – and if I look back – I see what I have already walked in terms of my profession – thus did not ‘break me down’ – yet, also realized that there is place for improvement, thus I should focus to that and move forward. Naturally. So that’s more practical, instead of fall into the despair and doubt, to focus to reality – where I came from, what I have done, how I have done it, and what I am going to do next and how. Simple. Always. If not, then that’s the ego, the mind, the manifested systematic reflection of accumulated self-dishonesty of mine just mirroring me who I accept myself to be. Until I stand up and stop and actually change.

So, sharing this process, this blog, is also not just statements to the world, anyone and everyone is welcome to give feedback, even telling me I am just wrong, and thus I can also check and learn!
Anyone can conclude based on misunderstanding, even myself – and if I realize it, I correct my statement, myself and live according to that realization.

In a way, that is why difficult to change for many people who are so infused into some belief-systems, religion, spirituality, or any kind of conviction – especially if there are human relationships, or even money involved – to admit that I have been wrong for two – three – six decades might not be easy – as I have had with my spiritual beliefs, buddhism and many more convictions already. I do not need anything but to become honest with myself in each moment equally – and for that to decompose the patterns my mind constitutes – words – energetic experiences, relationships – this process works.

Anyone states ‘It’s not my type of thing, or style – fine – I never even considered if this is my style ever – I just do as it works’. Just be sure not to listen to excuse and justification.

If anyone could show me that there is a better way than writing and applying self-forgiveness in written, said aloud and lived in action to become more aware and to support actual change – I am open – but I am aware of that this works, this blog is my movement, since 2008 – all I shared stands here as proof of what I have walked and the direction I am keep walking.

So that’s about it for today and thank you very much for being here today!

Links to understand more and support to grow: