Day 357 – Projection to forgive

IMG_9567Still walking relationship-projection decomposition and preparation to live the change.

  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not being aware of being insecure about fear of losing relationship, projecting out values, qualities and experiences towards someone and getting attached to the feelings and not realizing that I am not being honest with myself by not realizing that I accept being submissive and insecure in relation to the relationship itself and giving into the fear of losing it.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into fear of loss and thus paranoia of focusing to imagining and looking for signs of compromises and so self-defined: dangers to the relationship and assuming the worst within interpreting reality and not considering that I use this mechanism to overreact in order to protect my investment, not to lose what I value, here the relationship and not realizing that what I interpret and what I project out is not real.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that projection means fear, wherein I don’t face what is within, but acting like it’s someone else’s fault and responsibility, meanwhile I am the one who projects the original issue out, and not realizing the nature of it, as it’s just a mirage, a projection, not real, but if I believe so, then I automatically exist within my mind in conflict with reality.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense to stop for a moment when I have experience conflict within myself, a friction, an energetic reaction, an emotional wave and to realize that I need to slow down and breathe, let all go what’s within my mind and come back to reality and take responsibility for what I experience and actually can – and should do.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the tendency to project out the things I can’t deal with, I am unaware of, I defined as not my responsibility, not me, who has to solve, change, and within that not seeing the disempowerment, because I experience something, I accept myself to exist in a way – feel and be – yet I define that something or someone else is doing this, meanwhile not wanting to understand/see and realize that I am doing it all, and not only I can understand how I am doing this, but also I should take responsibility directly and immediately to stop projecting.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within accepting projection I also do not communicate, do not ask, do not clarify of what I assume is relevant and/or real, because I do not want to admit that I fear from being true what I fear from and within that not realizing that I fear from fear, thus I am lost within my mind, thus, I need to slow down, stop and re-align within breath and word the points to specify what I am dealing with in order to see the self-dishonesty as a pattern objectively.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have been programmed, accepted myself to resonantly tuned to have a starting point for relationship and partnership with thoughts, emotions and feelings and based on those to form and shape my experiences and behavior, spoken words and actions and not realizing that this is a compromise, a self-dishonesty, because these are related to polarity-based self-interest and fear – rather to see the common sense to commit myself to live the principle of life as equality and oneness, meaning to not be influenced, changed and controlled by circumstances, energetic experiences, but to be able to consistently realize, consider and apply what’s best for all participants equally.
  • I forgive myself that I have not admitted that the energetic experience of ‘falling in love’ feels like a drug, an energetic high, which seems to uplift all the negative pointers/parameters/aspects within my life by focusing to the previous, current or next positive energetic experience, meanwhile not realizing that the source of that positivity is also being fed by not needing to/ignoring/suppressing all the other points I defined as negative.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself, and within that not facing the fact that within re-creating energetic experiences within myself I am avoiding facing reality here, I am escaping to the past, I fear from change, making mistakes and causing irreversible consequences – and within that not realizing that I can stop for a moment and consider what’s real, what I can actually do to prevent things what are not supportive and trust myself to do the best possible by actually doing so.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within projection I rely to the past, wherein there was an event, an experience what I have defined bad and wanting to avoid it now, and by looking back, what were the conditions, circumstances, I define that ‘if this and this, then that and that will happen’ and trying to generalize, automatize in order to ensure preventing what I defined as bad and avoidable and within this all not realizing that nothing is always exactly the same and if I rely to these rules, self-definitions, then I do not allow to trust myself here, in the moment, within full presence.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I try to communicate or bring up the point of my worry or subject of my projection to the other and does not seem to work, the actual communication does not happen, then I allow the temptation to give up and fall back into judgements, projection, fear, and not committing myself to not give up and keep finding effective and supportive ways to communicate and solve conflicts, even if it only exists within me.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that getting attached to something within my mind means that I give into the fear of loss, which leads to anger and suffering and instead of trying to own or have source of experiences, to see as gift and support and if it’s time to let it go then to trust and honor myself and the other to remain respectful for open and honest communication and agreement of practically living the principle of ‘Give as I would like to receive’.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within insecurity, fear and worry, because believing that this energetic state helps to cope and fight for what I do not want to lose and not realizing that this experience is not supportive, not enjoyable and definitely not productive in terms of finding the best practical way to prevent things I do not wish to happen.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to not develop practical skills and direct awareness to immediately become aware when I am going into worry, fear and insecurity, not learning to see the signs of doubt within my self-mind and body awareness, thus PREVENT going into patterns triggered by insecurity, such as energy rush, need for more energy, feeling tired, exhausted, lack of discipline, temptations to distractions, wanting to rest, sleep, be entertained, stimulated, sweets, etc and within those patterns, also not being aware that when these ‘kick in’ all of a sudden, to slow down within, to even stop what I do for a moment to check – whether am I acting out based on worry/fear/insecurity and thus to automatically prevent feeling low/bad/down/blue, to cheer me up, to feel good/up/high, and meanwhile timelooping and what not realizing that I avoid facing a problem, a self-limitation.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever judge others, meaning to define how they are based on polarity, based on ‘in relation to me or to my interest or my experiences/wisdom/memory/realizations/whatever’ and giving into the temptation of righteousness and not realizing the projection I fall into and not realizing that my original judgement is projected out to other, because I distract/I hide/I suppress to face the point of responsibility about that point and thus trying to say – I am victim, I am not responsible, but within this not realizing the powerlessness I give into thus not being able to direct change, apply solution.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I use projection to protect my perceived investment of belief and self-definition in order to prevent something I fear from happening, and within that not realizing that I am not dealing with reality, I am focusing to others, their point, their mistakes, their self-dishonesty, while I am allowing to roam free within my already existing self-dishonesty, and within that not seeing the point and common sense to ask what’s my original problem in this, what’s the source of my fear/worry/insecurity/doubt to start finding solution.
  • When and as I see that I am defining someone to be this or that, repulsive, sulky or reprimanding, child-like or foolish, worrysome or fearful – I stop, I breathe, I become aware of my physical presence, my body, gravity, the overall feel of me here, the air, the temperature, the clothes on me, the surroundings for a moment of reference and support to bring myself here, without defining it, without focusing to that, but to see who I am within this moment, how I feel, what is the fear I give into to answer myself the honesty I am being tempted to slip away from with projection.
  • When and as I feel that someone is this or that with me, doing this or that to me and I start to relate to the person according to these definitions, projections, I stop and check – is it really fact, not just I am projecting based on past memory reference, to avoid something to re-occur, because I do not like that outcome, so I try to use the past, that ‘when this was like this, that happened, and now the situation is similar, and then the person seemed to be this and that, so now probably the situation is similar, so I must react somehow to prevent the same to happen’ – and within that not realizing that I act upon fear, I give into fear, I start reality to be interacted with by fear, instead of take a breath, look at the situation and apply common sense. This does not mean I should never learn from the past, but if there is this emotional fear first, the solar plexus energy flow, this convolution around stomach, this tension within limbs, the breath becoming superficial, losing presence, direction from within without any emotion, then I need to check is there any fear I give into, because fear-related categorizing, patterning, judging is highly tainted with delusion, projection, self-dishonesty, thus I stop myself doing so.
  • When and as I am within a situation wherein I am in relation to something or someone and I think or feel that the other’s fault is something, or the other is screwing up, doing something to me and based on that I start to feel and experience something, I realize, I am projecting, based on worry and fear, fear of loss, thus I stop and let go the fear and to see what is my responsibility here, what I should do, what I can do to solve, what shall I or need to clarify or communicate with myself and/or the other person.
  • When and as I am uncertan and worried about something and it’s related to someone, instead of assuming, imagining, worrying from an outcome/consequence/manifestation/happening, I consider that is it really relevant, actual and real, and if it seems to be, while I ensure that I am not under influence of emotional turmoil, fear and conflict, then I approach the related, involved person and I communicate, ask directly without fear, and ‘coming out’ that I interpret signs like this and that, and ask that what the other sees, perceives, stands for – instead of allowing to fall into my mind and combine and process, rather find out what’s real and then act accordingly.
  • When and as I approach someone to clarify and ask about something what bothers me, or seems relevant within practical living or communication and after one or more attempts to communicate it does not happen or can’t clarify what is relevant to do so, then I remain calm and directive, consider if can I find a better/another approach to share or reach the other and being able to create effective communication as realizing – if I give it up, I will end up just like if I did not even try to communicate, except I would also judge this attempt as excuse that ‘I tried’ – and thus realizing that it’s not about trying, but getting through, done and sort out perceived or real conflicts to be able to move on and expand.
  • When and as I can’t communicate, share or agree about something with someone about a point what bothers me or I am uncertain of, I do not get emotional, fed up or become frustrated and angry, worried or anxious, but I remain present, directive and consider if there is opportunity to find an another way, tonality, word selection, method or strategy to try to communicate and to realize – when or where is the point of realizing that this does not seem to work and stop trying and if there is such, still not use it to justify for any projection or fear, but to realize – the other might have their own process to walk and it might not be personal on how handles me and certainly this should not be a reason to justify becoming reactive and blaming.
  • I commit myself to stop projecting thoughts, feelings, emotions to others and to take it all back to self and to realize and live my responsibility and thus being able to practically see what I can do to solve or prevent conflict or difficulties/obstacles ahead.
  • I commit myself to become aware of all patterns, trigger points, situations and conditions, mind-states and definitions, events, memories and scenarios wherein I can fall into projection and fear, judgement and blame and to be able to realize within each and every single of these occurrences that the best practical solution here is the PREVENTION and thus not go into projection and blame, emotional states and fear of loss, but to realize that within reality all that exists is facts and actions, and thus I should keep focusing to these.
  • I commit myself to forgive all the self-acceptances and self-delusions about what I should fear from losing and thus justifying the worry to exist within by believing that this fear helps to prevent happening what I fear from manifesting, and not realizing that this actually a distraction and a self-defeatism wherein I use worry and fear to cope with the self-accepted self-disempowerment to not dare to do something new or radical to break the loop of self-dishonesty, and thus within this realization to push myself each time to stop and re-align when I experience or notice, feel or participate within fear of loss.
  • I commit myself to embrace and stop fear of loss by realizing and specifying all my fears in general and actual form, thus practically approaching to decide of which is unrealistic and thus to be released and stopped, and which relates to something I actually can prevent happening.
  • I commit myself to become aware of my human physical body to the more intimate, direct and profound awareness of it’s physical existence, meaning how it feels, positions, moves and lives within this reality, as with air, gravity, breathing, interaction, location, space and all the physical factors and if I am not aware of wherein and what I do, then I need to re-align to be able to, because there is a point I am falling into in an impractical and not-solution-oriented way, thus I stop and re-align with breath.
  • I commit myself to expose all my fears and thus I can practically know myself and be able to see what fear is what, why I accept it, how much it’s real in terms of actual reality and to be able to let go fear and focus to what I can do to solve problems and trust myself.
  • I commit myself to stop fearing from ‘shit happening’, wherein beyond my power, simply something what is not supportive to me or others around me happens and not to blame myself or other, because it might just happened and thus I need to accept it and stop blaming myself and rather ask if I could do something to prevent unsupportive consequences to manifest and if so, then to commit myself to do so next time, and if there is nothing I could have done, then to consider what it would take to be able to or to simply accept and let it go, such as weather or random events/accidents/luck-unluck.
  • I commit myself to stop defining partner and relationship according to my past and start focusing to get to know the person and the relationship in real time with self-trust within consideration of all participants equally and physical awareness as well.

 

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Day 324 – Self-leadership

IMG_1680Still walking de-composing and re-defining the word leadership, leader, leading.

Each word to live starts with self here, leading is no different. To look at how to lead myself, at first it seems too obvious and raises the question of why would not I am constantly leading myself already?

So what I have realized through walking this process of Journey to Life, which is writing down my mind, seeing where I give into fear, self-interest, unrealistic desire or wherein I am compromising my support, growth and expansion and once I see the thought-patterns, the trigger points, the attached memories, the reactions, the energetic experiences, physical consequence, I have the ability to change and take responsibility.

In this context, where do I allow to unbalancing emotions, inner resistances, energetic addictions, fear or even direct or indirect spite towards others to influence, control and take over my actions? That is where I have to OWN my leadership to so speak, to my beingness, self and self-honesty to become the directive principle, not my unsolved past problems.

Many people immediately associate leadership with big bosses, CEO-s, military commanders, cult leaders, but actual, real leadership always starts with SELF. Otherwise how can I be sure that leading others is not altered, compromised my own lack of self-leadership?

Thus, then how can I assist and support myself to lead myself within integrity, principle and stability? How to find balance within all of the experiences, things, activities and consequences a human has to deal with, in a way, which is not only ‘okay’, but also stands out, shows an example of what’s really good for all participants in this human-nature closed system, what’s possible.

Self-honesty can not be mimicked or imitated, this is not something what comes by the phrase of ‘fake it until you make it’, but exactly the opposite. I have to become my own authority, the initiative, the living and expressing decision of who I am within unison and consistency to be able to stand firmly every day, in every minute, with every breath.

A challenge within decision-making is doubt, especially when it’s about leadership. No matter what was the decision to do, within reality problems will appear, what then have to be solved without hesitation or reaction, otherwise the problem escalates to the point of compromising the whole process, whatever it might be.

To be able to make decisions practically and effectively, a leader has to have knowledge about the situation, the possibilities, the actual method what has to be done, otherwise might risking the impossible to do, which then can result in failure.
If that happens, certainly does not boosts confidence, so leadership is also about to honestly see what is actually doable, what can be risked and what can’t. What to compromise when, and what never to. What abilities are my weak and strong points and to be able to answer why.

Leading is also about taking the initiative, to literally ‘lead the way’, which brings or results in change. To be able to face, anticipate and even enjoy that change, if possible; it’s certainly a challenge, but depending on the context of leading, it can be supported by writing down all the factors, relevant informations, variables and constants.

It’s easy to see here that by looking at leading a company, a country, as to live the word lead is not much different within definitions when I try to apply it to myself, my personal life, my direction.

When I am deciding to change a habit within myself, let’s have a typical example here:

To stop abusing myself by alcohol and drugs – while almost all of my friends currently do not want to stop doing it. It’s challenging. But even to make that decision, I have to be able to see clearly that why I want to stop, what made me decide to really stop and also to have a look at how I am going to do that.

It’s actually quite easy in theory – I just do not drink or take drug. Simple as that. But if all of my personal, social life was around it, it is who currently I am, then I will have impulses not to stop, facing resistances to stop. And this is just from within, and when others will keep telling, asking, even commanding me to drink ‘just this one for me’ – to say firmly ‘NO’ might be difficult.

So to initiate such change within my life, I lead myself to support what is best for me. And if I really look at it with common sense, I cannot do wrong or harm if I do not drink anymore, so whatever others say, they still talk to the person who I initiate to change, so they might have no idea that I am in the phase of change.
And if their communication, responses or even persuasions still influence, direct me – then I am simply realizing that yes, in theory I have made the decision to change, but in reality, I am still being leaded by aspects of myself I am currently not ‘leading’ within myself, so it’s time to investigate those points within me to understand why I still hold onto my past within and as self-definitions, manifesting into action.

For instance, when I experience inhibition, tiredness, feel of exclusion without taking the alcohol/drug, I look at how am I limiting myself to still be inhibited, why I feel tired or excluded without doing the same mind-altering ritual as others?
Why can’t I be simply uninhibited without anything, what is the resistance and why? What do I fear or risk making me stop unconditionally expressing?
In a way my ‘freedom of expression’ is not even really me if only can be accessed by influence of substances – thus I am actually the slave of this condition, relationship within me, what allows me to be uninhibited, when feeling the effect of the stuff.
What is the actual fear when I would just talk, move, dance as freely as I do when being drunk or high?
When I investigate this, it’s almost like not even me having party, but the drug/alcohol and my mind with me, but not me directly, which is quite weird thing to realize.

Obviously, when I want to face reality without any mind-altering, I am facing reality more, which might also can be disappointing, but that’s the thing with reality, it’s direct, it’s real, meaning if it’s not cool, it will be like that until I change it.
So then I can realize – I can change reality, but first I have to face and embrace it.

I have walked this path with alcohol and drugs and it’s actually mind-blowing how greatly supports my stability, self-honesty and growth within awareness and expression.
Also, many people do actually reflect to me with respect, admiration and even jealousy sometimes that they can see that this would be great for them too, but they did not yet or cannot make this change within their life.

But some are actually inspired to try, well, not actually by me, but their own reaction to me when they realize that here is someone who do what they actually would like to do. But not really-really – just some parts of them. So in a way, they are also allowing themselves to exist within refractions through their ever-changing mind. And that is certainly not confidence, neither stability. Once I decide what I do with myself, I should be able to do it. Otherwise I am not actually owning my life, but I am being owned by something I have no actual power over.

That’s in a way, already leadership. Directing myself to initiate a change, to manifest it and stand as that change consistently – leading by example, not by force or manipulation. And if there are others, who do not want to change it within themselves, it’s fine – I do not react, but if there is opportunity and potential, I can have a little share of reflection to the individual, if it seems supportive in the context and situation I find myself within. For instance if someone got some mess to themselves by doing something uncool while under influence, to just remind the person that the current trouble he/she is facing right now, it would not be existent, if they would not have got drunken/high so much. But it’s not really a ‘mission’ for me to lecture anyone, my responsibility is within my decision to live.

But to be able to do that – well, with alcohol, actually for me it was not that extremely difficult, but in my past I have abused myself with it extensively, just before I stopped drinking, I have realized that this is not really supporting me and my awareness when drinking uncontrollable amount of drinks becomes extremely limited, which leads to poor decisions, bad physical experiences and actual waste of time and money. But with drugs, psychedelics and marijuana, I had to walk a longer path to stop first. And for that I had to walk a process of self-honesty and self-purification so to speak.

To purify my relationship with my past, memories, personality, reactions, patterns to stop participate within those what are infused with fear, doubt, resistances and when not taking responsibility for myself.

Purify here meaning to see the relationships within me, the exact words I associate with patterns of fears/resistances, the emotional reactions, suppressions, the physical experiences, the actual inner or outer trigger points and when recognizing that I am about to ‘enter into the same pattern to do the same shit again’ – I give myself a new chance, a change, literally for-giving myself for accepting and allowing myself that until this point I was giving into this fear, this compromise, but here no further, I make a stand, no matter what!

And if that starts with not smoking that good-smelling, smoking joint what comes around in the circle today, right now, then that’s what I am going to do. Certainly I will survive! Then justifications and excuses will come, ‘oh just one more time’ – ‘I have pain, for that I need’, ‘I will be more creative, smooth, relaxed’, ‘this is for consciousness growth’, etc. – Then I realize – my mind has movement, power and direction, and until I still identify myself with this reasoning, I am going to go into the pattern again. Even if I will regret later, especially if I have made the decision NOT to do it at this moment, which is showing me who is the boss right now, who is leading, my manifested inner mirror of who I accept myself to be – my mind consciousness system.
Mind as computer-like machine, consciousness as a multi-dimensional system.
And if I give into these justifications – then I have to open up, write down, understand and forgive those too – if my decision is still to say and do not more alcohol/drugs.

If I ‘change my mind’ so to speak, meaning ‘not wanting to stop anymore’ – it’s fine, as long as I will not regret this ‘give in’ moment later. Or if I will, I will certainly undermine my self-trust, confidence and clarity.

The hardest within this is probably not to judge myself, especially when ‘falling into a pattern, what already decided to stop’. To blame, curse, hate myself, which is obviously not supportive, not helping, but also showing that I am still accepting my mind consciousness system to be my real leader. Which is only a manifested consequence of my accumulated previously accepted and allowed decisions and actions.

The practical common sense when shit hits the fan is to ACT IMMEDIATELY. To recognize that any reaction in my mind is like throwing myself into a swamp – it will swallow it, but in a way myself too and not really being a solution, I will just sink more. Meanwhile the problem remains, plus the actual fact that I gave in, did not stop, lost direction also accumulates, – so next time when I face this point, I will also have the memory, my habit, even my physical imprint about this moment as I gave in/up.

The emotional reaction with self-judgement might generate ‘energy’ not to do it next time, but the dynamics of emotional mind-energy house-holding is also important to realize here, to not get stuck into a pattern of only to move when ‘being worked up’ within, like becoming so angry and irritated and only to start moving by that energy ending up to do/not to do something I want. Because, if the next time this emotional/anger energy is not present, then I might not move the same way as I did before, thus ending up ‘falling back’ into the pattern I want to stop. Then judging myself again to have that energy to be able to stop. And it’s a vicious circle and this certainly undermines self-trust and effective self-leadership.

That’s why direct self-expression and actual movement is key here, not through the emotions, feelings and thoughts to start moving self, to live life, the words I decide to express. Thus then, my mind has no power, actually me directly here is the leader.

That’s self-leadership, to realize the need for change within self-honesty, to plan and initiate that change and live it unwavering, skipping the mind, but to live in and as the flesh directly.

I will continue with Self-forgiveness and Self-corrective statements about my points what I see still influencing and undermining effective and self-honest self-leadership.

There are a LOT of extremely supporting audio interviews about the topic of LEADERSHIP, which I strongly suggest to listen, not only for those who are or going to be leaders in the system, but for everyone wanting to become the leader of their own individual life as well.

Self-leadership also starts with getting to know the deeper levels of ourselves. A free online course here presents an unique way to learn more about our relationship with our mind, self, body to be able to change what is not supporting us:

Day 301 – Center Presence

img_0911I am sitting here and feeling the blood pressuring in my veins.

I guess I like this experience, because this is an indication that I am not following thoughts, being preoccupied with rushing towards something in the future, but I am quite present.

Although if I would give too much ‘credit’ and positive re-assurance, judgement, definition, it would actually sabotage my presence, as I would program myself to not actually be present, but go into the ‘good feeling’ according to the condition I’ve defined as good, and thus actually ruining it.

I guess it’s the same with all kinds of experiences, even the ones we tend to define or hope to feel as good or positive: in order to become equal and one with it, I have to exist in relationship with something separate from me here directly through the mind.
What a trap – once I locate and accept myself within the mind, in order to not feel separated, alone, powerless, lost, I have to relate, and within that relationship connection condition, I am owned by it – it’s not always easy to explain it but it’s certainly self-enslavement.

I am just chatting with other destonians(guys and gals also write self-honesty blogs and walk the desteniiprocess courses and stop self-dishonest patterns) and I did participate in the chat – and when I type, I read, I kind of disappear from THIS presence experience – not totally, but I become chatting – although it’s normal, in a way I am not entirely satisfied with my presence during communication as in a way, a bit I diminish from this presence.
Important to remark that I tend not to hold onto the totality of the physical presence and want to be aware of that the same way when I do things, but what I see is that I still ‘go into character, pattern, personality’ when I do certain things, and then I return to presence – or not even ‘return’ but to flow into another character/pattern/personality, so ‘naturally’ or fluidly, that I do not even notice, just that the perception of time flows quite inseparably.

Within self-honesty this indicates at least two points to me:

1 I still separate my presence from my ‘life’, still holding onto the ‘meditation’ pattern
2 I still do not direct myself fully present within communication, but acting out patterns, it’s like starting programs and then those run through, and during that time, I am kind of in a limbo.

Sure in case of danger or sudden change of external or internal conditions I could change attitude, but in overall, the consistency of my presence is quite severed and thus my accumulation of self-trust, self-direction is also.

I mean it’s okay to focus to my voice, forming the words, the others who I speak to, but it’s something else if I lose the sense of physical and body experiences meanwhile, that in fact indicates that I do not trust myself to be like ‘I can do this without a pre-programming pattern’ – or judged the expression with ‘I have better things to focus to than to be completely here within this communication’.

In all ways it’s self-dishonest.

What I can do is to look at the most obvious situations/points/experiences within I have the tendency to lose the physical presence awareness – such as talking to a woman I would have great affection to (just an example) or to talk with someone I would despise (another example) – as within these moments rather I have attraction-desire-based distractive patterns overwhelming my presence – or projecting out negative judgements making me becoming reactive and thus distracting me from presence.

That’s why the soap-opera/hollywood/teenage-style love, although feels like overwhelmingly positive, it’s actually self-neglection and distraction from something what would be obvious if I would not go into judgement-based energetic experience.
That’s why huge love can shift into enormous hate I guess, as it’s the same nature of mind-activity, just with the opposite polarity of energetic experience. But equal within it’s nature and my kind of participation in the mind, thus neglection of presence awareness.

Love is just a word, the connection can mean completely different to everyone, thus it’s actually really supportive to investigate our own inner dictionary, what it actually means to feel, experience love – and from that – to actually LIVE LOVE.

I mean how can I live a love what is equal with the partner’s experience and expression too?

I mean I can look like flying on a rainbow, but that’s just an experience – if the other can judge it, and would conclude that ‘okay, he is happy, I should be happy also then’ – and then the other also could experience a sort of love.
But is that real?

I mean this should not be an experience-based thing, it should be expression-based reality.
Everyone can argue on what is real, but a glass of water is obviously much more real, than some energetic butterflies on the stomach.

And if someone defines experiences, feelings as more superior than actual physical facts, well, then we’ve got ourselves a delusion to deal with.

It’s certainly dis-encouraging to see things as they are, especially with so many abuse, horrible things happening all the time, but it does not mean I should become completely sad and depressed from reality. That’s also just the same virtual experience pattern.

This is what makes the greatest difference for me – when I am present, in and as the body, also being aware of my surroundings and what are the facts – I do not value experience more than reality, just because my interest is to have as much positive experience as I can, as I defined myself according to what I experience. No. I am in this world, but it does not mean I have to be of this world. Especially if the world I find myself within is abusive, neglecting or completely lost in mind-oblivion.

Although when I render experience as priority over physical reality, then it feels like a ride, or rather like a slide – and it can be so slippery that I get so preoccupied that I lose presence for a moment. Just enough to not be aware of that preoccupation experience results in an energetic reaction triggering another – and thus I miss being present for minutes or even hours.

That’s also self-dishonest.

Not many people directly aim this point, for instance when I used to learn Aikido, the founder, Uyeshiba Morihei wrote that he was walking around and his pupils always tried to surprise him and ‘attack’ him – and it was impossible, he was always present, thus he was able to apply technique with ease to deal with them.

Or Bruce Lee also wrote about it, how it is a key to be constantly present.

Hey, even Bill Murray have this interview wherein he concludes the same: to be able to be always here. That would be awesome.

And I am not talking about presence as a skill, but as re-birthing-recreating myself as being presence as who I am, no separation, unconditionally, unwavering, consistently. That is not a desire, that is a recognition with common sense of what is the least resistance and friction within to live as.
One might even say, isn’t this also a tactic to ‘escape’ from my mind into this overwhelming experience of physical senses and consistent direction, like a ‘control freak’ – but this is actually the opposite.
In order to be able to be really present – one has to deal with the distractions – and although in my personal life, for a while I was able to suppress a lot of things – that is always temporally and undermines absolute self-trust and consistent presence as relies to energy, conditions, thus within self-honesty that is to be recognized and stopped.

Once one starts to find ‘back’ to physical presence without preoccupation, then will start to see that there are sooooo many points one is (humans are) distracted from presence and they all think it’s the superior act to do so, meanwhile their tiny winy real beingness of who they really are at their center are scared ‘shirtless’ of being completely present, naked of any thoughts/feelings/emotions and to see what is really here.
Including myself. I’ve went through so many experiences, crazy, insane, over the top, mind blowing, extraordinary mind-states, what many people would define as scary, but they all dwarfed by the actual experience of being completely vulnerable in and as this physical presence and embrace what is really-really here.

See, even if one manages to suppress the mind for a moment, regardless of with techniques or substances – within that moment it also can be obvious that I am relying to my mind, and although I am it’s slave, but in fact, I’ve created it, I need it to hide and suppress from who I really am within absolute self-honesty.

That’s what we are dealing with here – to become the one who is able to face and embrace self without any judgement, any energy, any positive or negative experience – and that means to walk through all patterns, personalities, distractions and stop one by one.

This is what process about – every day facing a point and going through and accumulate understanding, direction and trust to be able to look into my eyes and if I see something uncool, then not to get distracted, justified, but then consider and live change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself experiencing ‘physical sensations, presence’ from ‘doing something within what I lose presence and physical awareness’ – and not realizing that within categorizing, I am actually accepting it, instead of looking at the practical points, such as trigger point, actual word of reactions, thoughts, emotions, feelings and to dig down into myself to recognize it’s because I do not trust myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve allowed myself to not trust myself within being able to exist, express myself and deal with what I do in my life without thoughts, feelings emotions and not considering the possibility to directly live words, such as not experience joy, but to live enjoyment, to not feel love, but to live and share care and support, and so on and within that to look at what distracts me from that, what justifies me to arrive with less, here as experiences instead of shareable, real, factual reality and based on that experience trying to act and live in reality, and not realizing that it is not direct anymore and I am stuck with an experience of separation, thus becoming dependent to the mind to feel equal and one with things I separated from myself with the initial judgments at the first place.

I commit myself to accumulate embracing presence, meaning to trust myself to allow myself to remain present and directive at situations I’ve previously defined that I need to think, feel, get emotional about, and to give myself the opportunity to learn directly, just like tiny kids learn to walk, and make mistakes, and within making them, not judge that, or myself, but to re-align and move, move forward unconditionally.

This way I expand with presence, direction and keep stopping patterns of mind-experiences and dare to be exposed to direct living and when it inherently, physically feels scary, remember to breathe and keep pushing through, birthing myself into the physical one breath at a time.

Finally – some random Self-forgiveness on patterns what came up as bothering for a moment – and within that realizing that even the most small point can grow up into annoyance and distraction if I accept/suppress it consistently, so better take responsibility immediately I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about grammar errors I’d leave in my blog thus would define it ‘less quality’ or ‘bad’ or ‘unreadable’ or ‘not serious’ or thus showing an image about me to be ‘uneducated’ or ‘not disciplined’ and within that realizing that this platform and expression is not about to win spelling bee or to be taught as literature, but primarily about decomposing my mind-patterns and to forgive and let go self-dishonesties, fears, resistances, self-limitations to support expansion, awareness and responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider smaller points within my life as relevant, because comparing them with experiences, events, what I had bigger, more intense reactions according to my personality, preferences, self-definitions and within that not realizing that I miss something potentially relevant, supportive, just because accepting to filter out things based on my prejudice.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the less I participate in mind-energy, the more I can be present and to realize that my physical expression, presence and awareness does not require energy, but to support my body and explore and express self-honesty in all moments equally. When and as I am tired, to check if it’s mental or physical and if it’s based on too much preoccupation in the thoughts, feelings, emotions, then to give myself time and space to let all go, to pull myself together and re-align with presence and diligence and discipline does not mean to be busy all the time, but sometimes to give and get a relaxation for 7 minutes can support me to be much more effective, and within that it’s not about the amount of time, but the quality of my presence and direction so to speak, meaning not to act based on reaction, energetic experiences, but with decision, trust, and presence.

That is all for today, daily writing is awesome, I wonder why I omitted this from myself so long…

Day 300 – Daily expansion

img_0949I am starting a challenge – every day sharing.

Not just sharing, but to face a point and direct myself to change. No matter what little that point would be or if it’s insignificant. But the relevance is the consistent movement, direction and thus accumulation of self-trust and self-expansion.

I used to rather write less often but with bigger ‘chunks’ – usually meaning to fabricate a blog post within 1-3 sitting/days/nights.

One of my greatest challenge just might be consistency. I used to judge it as boring, robotic, mundane, and as usually with things a human individual resists the most – holds a key to a gift for oneself. Jut because judged people who I saw/defined/perceived as stuck within their daily robot program life without real enjoyment or awareness. So, I guess, I was worried that if I would form a habit, I would also become this robo-tala.

Well, to have a consistent job for more than just months always seemed extremely challenging, I did not even did it before started the Journey to Life blogging, self-forgiveness process. But with that, with this very blog – I started to find stability. And not to just avoid things/points/experiences I resist, but also to ask – Why? And to see if that’s self-honest or not.

I challenge myself to embrace consistency. Within my process I got to the point of obviously recognizing the ability to move through self-delusions and letting patterns go, stopping an addiction or to prove myself that any fear or resistance can be opened up, decomposed and understood with eventually letting go.

Motivation is key, I used to believe that it is something I get, I feel, I am being inspired with, however within self-creation I realized that I also can birth with principled living.

Many people, as myself believed that principles are limitations and it’s so easy to judge individuals who hold onto a principle, however I’ve realized that I also can create a principle what aligns with my self-honesty, with all life equally.

My principle is to find out what’s best for all participant of this existence, including myself and from the situation, location and condition I find myself within today, the practical common sense is to liberate myself from beliefs, fears and delusions with all available self-support tools at my disposal.

The best practical way is to write within self-honesty – about myself, but within introspection, reflection and investigative investigation of what I consist of and experience and within self-honesty to see if there is any polarity-based, self-interested aspect what could – and should – be re-evaluated and changed.

For instance suppressing myself within the belief that I should not make mistakes or I have to be the nice guy, or I have to act according to morality – or I should care about what others think of me, or I should need to prove that I am good enough, worthy and valuable. These examples are what are obviously self-limitations and thus it’s supportive to let these behavior patterns go.

Many find actual, real time change difficult, and with writing it’s doable. Write yourself to freedom.

Self-forgiveness is also holding a key to support awareness and preparation for change. With writing it, with sounding the words aloud – I take responsibility for what I have allowed and accepted but from now on I am not going to. I give for myself a change. Wonderful!

Anyone resists forgiving oneself for any mistake/limitation/fear/resistance I’d suggest to consider the following: there are so many, much more beyond our judgements/resistances/fears/resistances, but we have no idea, it’s completely unknown, undefined, uncharted territory.
If someone would just have a glimpse of what it is like to live without fear and resistances, within self-trust – that would really help to start moving.

It’s also possible to check out the ones already walking this process – their blogs and vlogs – just with curiosity, go back to someone’s first blog posts, video logs, and to see how they changed. With many individuals, who walk the Journey to Life blog writing since years the change will be astonishing.
Even myself, when I look back at my first vlog – I could barely speak up and express what’s inside within me and I had so many resistances to just even look inside of me. And today I am able to walk through mind-constructs and stop once and for all quite some addictions, phobias and to really start exploring the possibilities and to find out what the potentials are.

And although I am walking this process since some years – I see that my potential also can be much more if I would not stop moving, expanding, changing – but to accumulate that every day, regardless of the definition of the amount of time. Not just express every day, every hour, every minute, but always, unconditionally.

That is what I accumulate here. From weekly posting here towards daily posting. That’s a step.

I forgive myself that I have defined that my biggest challenge is consistency and to do something every day, and not realizing that I inflate this resistance to a much bigger thing in my mind than what actually it is and use judgments, expectation and comparison to stop expressing myself based on doubt and fear of not being good enough.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I already have a bunch of things within my life what I do every day without problems, and those habits I’ve also created within myself and within that realizing that I can create structure without polarity and fear, and the key is not to just create it but to become, live it as who I am – and within blogging/vlogging every day – it’s not about time or having resources at all, but it’s about pushing through inner resistances.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that although often it’s great support to exactly name the patterns, word the issues within me, such as resistances, within self-direction it is also key to move and push myself through them, and if I am directive, it’s actually does not matter what is the resistance, but regardless – I move, direct, express. For instance resisting daily sharing – yes, it’s cool to recognize why I resist it, but in fact when it comes to share – it does not matter. I just share. And if I resist it, I stop for a moment, I breathe, and let it go and then move – and then do the share – write – make a video, record an audio and I trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within fearing from making mistakes or not being good enough, I’ve stopped to express myself unconditionally within self-trust, and constantly sabotaging my expansion by comparing, judging, wanting to be better, and not realizing that there is only one condition – do I trust myself and live myself or not.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use the excuse of grammar or visual quality for why I do not share something or defining that I only can share when it’s ‘quality’ and not realizing that self-realization is not about perceived quality but actual change.

It’s okay to have a typo, until the message is clear – it does not mean I should be sloppy or deliberately avoid discipline or clarity – but it means to trust myself that even if I’d make mistakes – I do not get stuck but I learn from them, get to know myself and keep expanding, even if applying a pattern every day, or to live consistency.

I also encourage everyone to write more, not about others, but to investigate, study and support oneself within expansion.

Day 297 – Computer usage + presence

img_2564-hdrI find it timely to start walking the process and support, realignment and change in relation to physical presence awareness, direction and breathing WHILE sitting at and using computer.
Well, using computers is big part of my current life, it always mostly was since childhood and I’ve noticed that I can have tendency to disregard presence and purely existing through my mind and my body becomes less a grounding, stabilizing, substantiating aspect of me, but something I disregard, exclude, only utilize and this makes it easier to slip into the mind, where reactions, thoughts, feelings and emotions can preoccupy me to the point of losing discipline, principle and in overall direction within self-honesty.

This is kind of a big deal for me, but not really if I look at it just as look at another points to become aware of and stop participating within any self-dishonesty – but I’ve noticed a some sort of procrastination about this over the years of my process.

It was always ‘in plan’, but I pre-defined it as a ‘huge chunk’ and first and foremost I wanted to walk other, more prominent or annoying/disturbing self-dishonesties in my life.

Since walking practical self-realization based on the support of http://desteniiprocess.com online course, the community, the group chats, listening to http://eqafe.com audio-based library of how the mind works and also by reading others blog within the Journey to Life community, I’ve noticed some changes how I approach using computer, in particular on how I approach and solve tasks or problems.

For instance when I work on some program code, I do not think much about it, it’s rather intuitive and usually I start writing about it into my notebook.
My ‘problem’ with thoughts was that those are much more abstract and volatile than written words, also usually they ‘happen’ really fast and even if I ‘think through’ quite constructively a problem to solve, it’s rare that I will exactly remember the relevant points of that ‘pondering’ process.

It’s more practical to me to write as it supports with slowing down and here quality is more important than quantity and also what I write will remain on the paper and I actually, physically do it, which is kind of already a movement, direction in actual reality.

Also when finding problems or solutions for them, it’s much easier and natural to be rather intuitive than cognitive and this can be a huge advantage, when I would need to see it ‘from outside the box’, but sometimes it’s not enough fast as still accepting reactions, thoughts, judgments along the process of creative application and that’s why I find it relevant and supportive to walk through these processes and to also purify anything based on fear, self-interest, doubt, or even distracting desire.

I have the ability and skill to investigate quite ‘clinically’, meaning to look the problem from different angles and really committed to find the best approach according to my time, resources, skills, even if it means much more investment or effort than it usually would need to be.

When I am being ‘owned by’ quite some amount of perfectionism, which is usually overwhelmingly counter-productive, is also can be rather a curse than a gift, especially if allowing it to go mental about it; meaning rather being invested into the ‘idea’ of perfect, instead of to see facts, real, physical world options and to work with that towards the best viable option.

Being ‘owned’ here I mean to, for instance seeking after the best possible/quality way to do something in the entire world I can reach(around, internet) and then becoming frustrated if not being able to apply that, and also to be extremely judgmental and harsh if the result is not ‘perfect’ in comparison to the best similar results I’ve witnessed in the world ever. This can be supportive, but really counter-productive as well, especially when becoming really overwhelmed by the judgments and it’s reactions, energetic experiences about ‘this is unacceptable and I am becoming frustrated’ and from that point I am compromised, and actually distracted to continue to create or work with quality.

Just as in other aspects of my life, compartmentalisation is present in my computer-using ‘world’ too, I can behave, react and even perceive differently when I write program code in the office or when I play a computer game at home, or when I make video clips at home.

How many times I was frustrated when my not so cheap camera was unable to produce the quality, details or colour scheme I wanted it to do and of course found much more expensive, bulky and rare camera systems with what I could have record the way I imagined, but recently realizing more and more directly that the art is to embrace limitations and even with that to create something what transcends it’s technical limitations by the value or message it can channel through.

What is worth be mentioning is that as I use computers(and complex machines) since childhood, there are quite some ‘patterns’, ‘perceptions’ and ‘reactions’ what I was able to protect and evolve since then in my mind, perceptions, convictions, beliefs and looking at those behavioural patterns, these are rather silly and distracting, mostly self-limiting but primarily self-dishonest patterns I see important to recognize, understand and stop.

Since walking this kind of awareness process directly, I’ve developed a quite reliable way to remain more physically here and present when I move, do actual, physical things, but when using computer, there is still more ‘easy’ to just become lost in the mind for a while and no matter if it’s just one breath or actual minutes, or even hours, I see this as self-compromise and it’s time to face and decompose, understand and forgive to prepare a practical change and to see what’s beyond these patterns to discover about myself and the world.

This approach I will continue with exploring the first reactions I can bring up in relation to computers, and I think I’ve walked some of this here at my blog already, but this time I see it from the dimension and purpose of physically re-stabilization, substantiation into a more consistent presence.

I do no longer keep the belief that with thinking or in particular with any ‘thoughts’ I am more intelligent, smart, adaptive or wise I can become, but rather seeing the ‘act of thinking’ as part and indication of self-suppression. Why? Just how fancy is to quote from The Matrix movie? This never gets old for me as finding it extremely supportive to remember the simplicity of support:

Don’t think you are – Know you are!

Meaning the one does not know thinks – and actually will know by not thinking but directly ‘moving’, regardless of what is that movement – in this context: self-movement, what can be using of words, living of words or even the single act of breathing within silence as well.
Starting with obvious point:

I forgive myself that I have not realized the extent of lack of physical and presence awareness during computer usage, prioritized by focusing to thoughts, feelings and emotions, disregarding HERE-ness, as direction, common sense and self-expression and support my mind consciousness system to further virtualize, simulate and stimulate experiences based on my interest and becoming preoccupied, distracted to the extent of suppressing effective and full breathing, my responsibility to principled living and the discipline for being intimate with my beingness, my body and my mind and thus sabotaging to be able to prevent self-dishonesty to be triggered, manifested and accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape into my mind, for which using the computer as a tool as defined it easier to control and separate it’s world from my reality, wherein I can have the experiences what I found difficult or impossible to live out in actual reality, thus escaping from my fears, desires and make a habit out of it and then defining myself as this is who I am and this is what I want to the degree of even fighting for my limitations, just to not need to face my own resistances and self-accepted fears accumulated into systematic self-limitation.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not realize that the need for controlled environment is fear and with computer to want to have a platform wherein I can have less relevant consequence than in real world and define it and it’s experiences just as important and relevant as my actual, physical, shared-with others- reality and not being honest with myself that this is escape from specific points I fear facing and fear losing in relation to.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I fight the things I resist, then I am not effectively solving the problem I face, but I use force, separated perception and in fact I fear, thus the common sense to slow down within and assist and support myself with wording the fear, the pattern of resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself to be able to deal with reality, society, the world and wanting to have a smaller dimension wherein I can be in more control in order to create a system according to my limitations to not be needed to face with those, and thus who I really am when being limited, accepted and suppressed based on this system I wanted to be confined within, here for instance what I can experience through and with computer.

I forgive myself that I have not admitted that I’ve defined and allowed myself to become the embodiment of the habit of disregarding my human physical body, my physical expression, my breathing and presence during computer usage and defining it acceptable to be completely distracted from what is actually going on within myself, physically, mentally and emotionally as well, but only focusing to the reactions and the next upcoming reactions to reactions.

When and as I sit down to computer, I breathe and I commit myself and thus from time to time I direct myself to let go all in my mind and focus to physical presence and one relevant and decided point I want to work on/with on the computer, and then to do that with more physical awareness, breathing and presence and to develop practical skills to do things while keep and expand within this presence without being lost in reaction-chain-reactions.

I commit myself to transform completely my computer usage behavior by pushing myself through breathing here without fearing of not being fast enough or effective enough without thoughts, images, reactions and whenever I see the urge, the need for thinking, reacting, stimulation, I breathe and re-align physically here and to see directly what I really want to do.

When and as I face something during computer usage what I do not want, do not enjoy, such as it becoming slow, freezing, having errors, something does not being successful, I focus to breathing, the physical phenomenon, the actual air movement, the feel of it on my skin and re-align myself with being here.

When and as I sit at the computer and remembering old patterns of computer usage, feelings, emotions, words, I direct myself to remain here, and even if I do really look into the past experiences, reactions, memories – I am still here and apply self-forgiveness if anything I feel reacting to, which is indicating of a system I still being owned by, thus I apply the self-forgiveness to become more aware of the pattern and the actual need for change.

When and as I feel like becoming dragged down and disregarding my body, presence, breathing, physical forces within and around me, I take a break, walk away from the computer and do something else for a moment and enjoy re-aligning, substantiating and solidifying my direction and presence here.

Day 288 – Presence exploration share

This is rather an experimental approach on sharing, maybe too personal, but I find these mini-sessions ‘with me’ supportive.

img_0100

I find myself here.

I have a direction, but not too obsessive, but kind of enthusiastic. I have a focus here, feeling, hearing the breath, but not becoming preoccupied with it’s sensation.
I feel the gravity, the points of my body being supported by the chair I am sitting within, my sole too, but it’s balanced out with my straightening effort to keep me vertical.

I merely observe this phenomenon that I am here, no tiredness, no worry, no desire in particular, the only thing what I see within is this silent initiation from which I express, move out here directly.

I still feel that there are layers behind of this dark point my expression emerges from, as I can sense some conscious participation in the mind, but at this moment it’s all right. I am not here to judge, but explore, embrace and discover.

What reaction I can already expose is this weird sensation, faithful conviction of that this presence, moment, expression and experience is significant and fragile.

Sometimes I just find myself totally dropping all my personality and be within this presence. It’s shy, humble and light, but accumulates each time surfacing into ever greater self-trust and physical direction.

This used to be quite scary, dreadful, horrifying experience, back there, when I was experimenting with the no judgement, and used to take massive amount of psychedelics to suppress my ability to judge and define, but after a while I also had to realize that this also suppressed my deepening of understanding of actual self-sabotage required to take initiative to stop and change the actual self-suppression I’ve defined myself to be who I am.

I am ready to die, am I? I am letting go everything I have, I did, said, felt and experienced. I do not need anything.

Yes, but…

No. I am here.

I do even stop from time to time within writing this as finding proper English words. Why do I write in this language, in my first language, I would be much more fluid, effective. but I want more people to be able to possibly reach. It’s alright for now.

There was a slight moment of reaction of what if I stop, I lose the momentum, the presence, the gentle yet firm direction of me being here, with basically no chance to be distracted from this self-respect, and by that I could just go into this inner mini-battle of taking myself apart with cold thinking of ‘if I worry of losing it, then I already lost it, never even had’.

And I recognize the pattern, I stop, and I re-align.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to doubt myself, to not name, word the origin, the relationship of this doubt, but reacting to it, following it and giving up presence and direction without actually considering what would be the solution for this fear to dissolve, stop, remove and transcend.

I do even say this aloud to feel the words, to speak, to be the words and be the sounding of this expression. Within sounding it, I see that the sentence required one more word, so adding it. Then I say it aloud again. I feel that there is energetic movement within my body, I say it again and focusing to this energy, to what word it originates from and why…

Yes I see it now, the specificity. I need to be more specific, like also to see the tendency where my reaction would take me, want to specify to also see and be able to mark with another self-forgiveness, to be absolutely sure that I am aware of not just the trigger point, but also the pattern of this and it’s consequence, so then I can ensure that next time I recognize that it’s in fact best to avoid this pattern.

This can go on for a while, there are hundreds of patterns within the mind, intertwined, interconnected and interdependent with many more and I have to be able to sail through with sane, present and directive self-movement without being washed away from what I face, discover.

Writing is great, I always can stop and take a breath, feel it, the physical, the gravity, the senses and when I am ‘solid’ again, I continue, write more.

This is magic, alchemy at it’s best as the limit is only on me, because with writing I can not only understand but also change my own nature of who I am today. Step by step, word by word.

That’s why these Journey to Life blogs, for several years, many of us committed to write, share and walk the realizations into actual, physical change.

Feeling the throbbing of the blood in my palms when I stop, allowing the body to breathe, and I am in and as this breath.

I acknowledge the gift I give for myself to be with me in this moment and to see what is here, what’s up, what’s going on.

I look for tiredness, exhaustion, heaviness in the body and at the moment I do not feel it. I am free from it, so I look, where this ‘expected heaviness’ is coming from and I see memories coming up when I feel my palms being exhausted, tired of all the things I’ve done with it, when I was doing things I did not want to, but felt compelled, when I had stress and did not relax it for hours and days, and I feel in the muscles that it’s there, but at the same time not today, so I continue exploring.

I check my chest, what is causing me to sometimes feel this acidic experience, coming up from my stomach and it’s judgements and stress. That can cause to feel this out of balance experience and feeling like my body is burning, it should have this PH negative ‘force’ from somehow to balance out this energy, what influences me, pushes me, and it’s of fear, I see, when I worry of not being able to see how I am going to do what I would like, when I feel confined by the things I created in my life, then I can have this self-burning, self-eating, suppressing self-judgement energetic experience. But also, not today.

I do not feel the chest heaviness, it feels like there is this specific point where it would be a strong pressure point and I would feel like I am breathing through that narrow point, almost like I have to force my breath to have a ‘full breath’ experience and even sometimes feeling like the breath is stuck in my chest, so I have to ‘practice’ and ‘loosen up’ to be able to breath one good ‘sigh’.

This is also a memory, as I am breathing normally, yet I see this signature in my breath, it’s something I have to work actively on seeing all the patterns, dimensions and memories, word relationships, external situations and conditions specifically to un-learn this resonant anxiety and fear, to then being able to solve those problems within I can have these experiences.

Of course my situation is quite easy in terms of I do not live in a war-shattered city as many do in Syria for instance, I have food, shelter, work for money, even free time, but I do not compare, I do not judge, I rather embrace and acknowledge here.

I move my attention to my feet, my toes: one is resting on another, it seems comfortable at first, but as I spend more time, about several minutes, the one is holding the another’s weight starts to feel pressured, so it’s like one leg feels really comfortable, but another starts to feel equally uncomfortable. Interesting. I put them both on their soles and it’s immediately better. Although I feel that there is tension on my knees, so I just focus there, give them one-two breath attentions and now they are both relaxed. Great.

I feel this energy spreading on my lower spine, rather on the right side and I see, there was a slight moment of observing myself from a mental point of view, rather like a quick self-judgement of…maybe irony, but not real, rather as an aesthetic categorizing imagination of this being in a film scene and before defining it to be cool, I let it go, I breathe…

I feel my mouth and face frowned for a reason I am not entirely sure, so by acknowledging I am not aware of why I did, it’s almost like I could and should know, just at this moment apparently can’t word it out. And by acknowledging that acknowledging, I look up and take another big sigh.

See, this presence is like a meditation, a mind-serialization, when really slowing down to see the tremendous amount of processes one can easily be overwhelmed by and it’s just the first step to become aware of the mind and the fact that I am not always doing the best possible, or when I ‘think’ that I do, I also write down the reasons I would ‘believe’ that I do the best possible, and to see if those are excuses and justifications only or I am really, fully being aware of what and why I feel, think and do.
This is rather an exploration and a rant on presence, but I am sure you only can know yourself, when you are present, empty and embracing without any judgement. That’s what I suggest to explore. Well, it’s not always easy, but remember, whatever comes up, it’s you. Deal with it. See, decide, explore if you can live with it or you might find it as limiting/annoying or even self-deceiving – then you understand it more and stop it, change it, and thus you, bit by bit, breath by breath: changing yourself and with that the world! That’s THE Way. Enjoy.