Day 342 – Facing Sadness and Experience of Loss

IMG_7732Some time ago I have been facing Sadness and Loss extensively and it can be real tough to walk through.

I’d like to share my experiences, realizations and the support I’ve been receiving from others and also giving to myself, thus being able to pull myself together from the shocking experiences of loss and extreme sadness to actually realize my mistakes and being able to take responsibility and move towards correction.

The whole drama could have been completely avoidable and got a real taste of what happens if accepting a fear within me instead of effectively dealing with myself, and thus started to manifest what I feared from.

With Desteni Process tools, applying Self-forgiveness and taking full responsibility for everything I experienced or did and did not do, I was able to correct my perceptions and stop manifesting irreversible consequences of my reactions, mistakes, but it certainly was a lesson for life.

Also sharing the unique and exceptional potential within Self-forgiveness as ‘demonstrating’ here the various type of ‘self-support’ I was able to apply towards directly to the difficulties in front of me for assisting and supporting myself to direct practical solution.

In fact, I was not entirely aware of with how and what ‘strategy’ I applied Self-forgiveness at points at hand – I just did, and much later, after days, when I did read back what I wrote throughout the days; and I had to realize that there was actual structure, levels of understanding and a sort of direction.

It’s absolutely mind-blowing to realize that Process works on so many levels with self, that it’s the best tools/skill-set/expression I have ever got introduced to apply and start living. Especially at difficult situations, I see that I am more effective, self-trusting, less dramatic and thus more relaxed in comparison to the person I was ten years ago. Gratefulness!

In short, the story is that I reacted to someone close to me’s action with an unbalanced, emotional, kind of blaming email, although it might had some points to ponder, but how it was written and what was the ‘vibe of it’, the person said this is not cool, good bye and I saw this as final and I fell into a completely petrifying loss and sadness.

The experience of the loss of the person being very close to me was very sudden, I did not expect it, my email(or my intention) in a way was kind of trying to cry out that something is not cool, but was not gentle or really direct and how the other person reacted and behaved I was worried of to be completely final, and as I was already busy with my emotions, on top of that with this fear of loss and sadness, I just fallen into reactions completely. Does not matter for how many years a person walks Self-support or Awareness – one moment of self-dishonesty can be enough to fall completely back – so never get too confident – but to remain humble and diligent!

It was quite shocking and took some time to be able to step out from this experience and put on the responsibility shoes, and this post is the process of that.

So, starting with overall description, then going to various steps towards being able to take responsibility and realizing the potential to change and correct myself.

What was very effective from the start is to realize the importance to keep moving, meaning if I interact, focus to general, every day commitments and responsibilities, I am busy and things need my full attention, such as discussing problem and solution at work, driving through fast traffic or working hard for hours.
Then I do not have much time to be Sad. Thus realizing – in a way – Sadness is a decision, but I did not know that back then.

When things slowed down, or I had my ‘me’ moments, or I stopped after a tiresome day, I kept going back to the ‘sadness’ energetic mind-spiral experience.
Coming home, to do my routine things alone, that was very challenging and the more I fell into sadness, the less I was body-aware – meaning to feel it’s needs, such as hydrating, eating, to handle cold or warm, etc.

Crying was option, but not always really ‘available’ as ‘action’ – just often got wet eyes and my breath became stuttered, although for me this ‘activity’ was never easy. Not as I would willingly cry, but even when most people would consider as relief or as self-expression, due to my extensive self-suppressing personality design from my past, this has always been a differentiating point for me in relation how others might behave.

What happened was a kind of cry in slow-motion but never reaching it’s full open state, so did not give a ‘release’.
By watching some specific TV-series – I was more emotionally reactive and here and there were actual cry for some seconds. For instance Twin peaks – the songs in them – or previously within the Leftovers series – had huge impact on me.

The most significant point is to realize that eventually the sadness and experience of loss will pass and I DECIDE how:

  • I deal with it within absolute self-honesty: to see what lead me here where I am, what I did wrong, why, how can I take responsibility for all of my part and to ensure in next similar situation to prevent what I learned from my mistakes
  • I suppress, distract, justify, blame or even forget and in a way I close down and hope for the best, for that in next similar situation I will do better, but I do not have full understanding, neither self-correction ‘prepared’, and also I will have this event’s memory as a splinter in my mind to always re-associate to worry from as a possible outcome

It was obvious that I choose the first. Especially with the fact that I did the second many times ago already, and I know where it leads: more confusion, doubt and fear, blame and delusion, so no, thanks, not again.

I have the tendency to suppress emotional reactions, to just ‘swallow’ anything of negative emotions and obviously accumulating in the background and thus most of the time I acted like I am totally fine.
I also got suggestion from my DIP PRO online course buddy, to indeed, give into the experience of loss, it’s OK to feel it, but also to remain present, anchored to and within body- and here-awareness. BTW – when walking the course of DIP PRO – one has this seasoned, awesome person to chat with not only about the lessons, the course material, the mind, but in a way it’s personal life-coaching with the starting point of self-honesty and the person is someone who already walked through quite some mind-constructs and delusions, emotional storms, thus basically a person, who walks what talks as well and that is an invaluable support to anyone, I am certain of.

After some time (days) I was able to ‘not go there’ – where sadness and the experience of loss ‘grew’ – but at uncaught moments I still kept ‘returning’, even – and it’s maybe my own specific style – to jump into the full sadness, like to put my head out from the trains window and the wind, sound, everything is like BAAAAAAAA, but in the next moment, back to be here in silence again.

Well, this obviously ‘generated’ some energetic experience, a mood, a tension, an emotion, what was not ‘thought’ anymore, but through this a kind of sadness, depression and crappy experience flew through me.

What I have realized that ‘I have to go there’ – when I am present, directive, ‘not sad’ but empty and be able to apply self-honesty, self-forgiveness.

It’s OK to be empty after loss – as feeling an aspect of self is gone, so to be with that emptiness with myself – it’s very profound yet calm expression.
Then to go into the experience again, but with direction to ‘clean house’.

It was still difficult to bring it up directly, basically to ‘walk into hell’ – but to do it with Self-forgiveness it is kind of quantitative self-liberation, to forgive each and every single point I encounter within myself as taking responsibility for all I feel, experience and also for all I did, and to see where to I progress, process and move, to dig deeper, to get to the origin/source point of my feel of loss and sadness, what circumstances and actions lead me here where I am now.

Within walking it, faced some blame as well, but I unconditionally forgive myself for whatever I experience and I keep doing it until I know and understand everything, all written here in front of me and I am empty, and be able to see all yet not react, nothing.
Blame is an obvious indication of self-disempowerment, cowardice and hiding behind energetic experiences, justified with self-dishonesty, thus it’s actually cool: whenever it pops up – then I must forgive each aspect of it.

I did write several days(after work, in the morning) about this, and each day I accumulated self-direction and became more and more ‘comfortable’ to face the sadness, the loss, my mistakes, my shame and regret with more and more clarity of what I should not do again in order prepare, support and direct myself to avoid making the same mistakes, what I realized that lead to the experience of losing the person from my perception, words, and action’s perspective.

And that’s all I can do, really – I can’t change what has happened, how the other would feel, see or react to me – that’s DONE.

It’s a profound realization, tough one. Manifested consequences remain. Period. Better to prevent unwanted things, seriously. Should be a lesson for all, some things cannot be changed. Ever. Yet do not fall into the self-mind-trickery of being dragged down it’s own self-created seriousness. That’s to forgive for myself. To give to myself a chance. To really change. Does not mean not to take seriously, but not with another layer of emotional swamp, but practicality and effective self-direction.

To let that heaviness to go, all I can do is to release and change, as is not my power, responsibility or consideration from the point of how the other will decide to experience, say or act.

Maybe will never speak with me again, maybe will, I really wished for the second- but within self-responsibility moment, does not matter, I walk self-forgiveness, anything comes up, unconditionally I apply: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad, because of our relationship has ended, because of my emotional instability and fear of loss, blame, lack of considering the other.

The actual story in short: In a way, I was realizing that it’s not the same as was, my experience was that our bond was fading and after some attempts to communicate about it, I just felt powerless for a moment and I reacted with fear, which then caused the other to just let it all go including me. There were another dimensions also, but from this perspective, that’s it. Well, this was not final, and we could still ‘save us’ as we did meet and agreed to continue our relationship, but I did not know that back then, so I just reacted big time.

I am going to share (in the next post) some of the first Self-forgiveness sentences I wrote to start supporting myself, and it’s also noticeable that in the beginning it still might ‘contain’ reference to other, in a somewhat hidden blame or justification and my responsibility taking might not start with absolute self-honesty.
It’s OK, usually I do not share such things, but this is here a ‘process’ I share and this is how I perceived in-between the emotional reactions.

It’s a process, so sharing here as example of ‘refinement’, especially when someone is in big emotional instability, rather just start and move, thrive for be absolutely self-honest, but sometimes where is my ‘location’ (in terms of self-honesty) is still within influences of mind-constructs of fear, blame and it’s core, source is maybe deeper in my mind, thus I have to ‘dig myself further’ with self-forgiveness, through the layers of justifications and blame, excuses and fear to being able to absolutely taking responsibility for all I can.

It also can be OK not to apply self-forgiveness ‘perfectly’ at first, in the sense of still allowing some ‘mind-tentacles’ to refer others, focusing to surface of the experiences, events, etc – nobody is professional in this, including myself, after a decade, when being in reaction – this is a proof here – basically I had to start Process from scratch.

What I mean ‘not perfectly’, well, not deliberately, obviously, just I know from my own experiences that I can go into ‘self-judgmental mode’ – and when I start doing/applying something and seeing it is not perfect, to just shut it down and say ‘not good enough’ – and sacrificing opportunity to grow and learn on the altar of an idea.

Maybe it’s part of the self-healing process to admit that, yes, I blame, I am angry, I am furious, I am disappointed, although it is equally important to realize that these are self-sabotage patterns, so never to stop and accept to remain there, as these are indications of self-dis-empowerment and actually delusions to self-correct. It does not necessarily mean that I am always the one who did wrong only in general – but it’s to ensure that I never jump onto the blame-wagon ever, as that is not self-correction.

Not in my case, but can occur that someone was really nasty and evil-ish and my conclusion should be by practical common sense to avoid the another person, but still: my reactions are my responsibilities. Hate is quite a havoc on my own body to expose it for that energetic experience – never worth it. So better to forgive myself and let it go and focus to what’s next.
Well, in my case – usually and here again – was self-judgement and anger towards myself on why I could not hold or just again ‘suppress’ my emotional instability, but I had to forgive for myself to be able to look beyond and focus to actual solutions with myself and the communication with other as well.

Just noting it as when reading other’s self-honesty and self-forgiveness blog, never compare it with how you feel or observe yourself doing as everyone’s process is different.
What’s extremely important still is to constantly push the limits of myself and see if I am absolutely self-honest, and how can I find practical solutions for changing the situation within me, in reality to a solution, which is best for all participants.

I will continue in the next post as realized this is getting quite long.

Take care and breathe, slow down within and embrace the pure essence of what you feel and realize: it’s OK to spend time with yourself and just breathe again, to observe, not judge, take time and you can see: sadness and feeling down is not that powerful, only when you start to follow thoughts, emotions – indicating that you want to give in, maybe as a self-punishment by regret or shame or fear of unknown or change – once you name it, can be more obvious on how to move forward.

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Day 282 – Courage about ‘NO’

dsc_0747I continue with Courage

Preparing to practical change at situations I’ve already realized that I can have tendency to not LIVE COURAGE within self-honesty. Specificity supports self-honesty and awareness, thus this time writing about hearing or saying ‘NO’.

When and as I feel the pressure within to speak up about something to someone yet not doing it and actually not knowing exactly why not to do it – I acknowledge that I suppress myself and I judge without knowing it, therefore I slow down within, take a breath and check if I can see the actual reason, why not speaking up.

When and as I see that all of a sudden in a situation, apparently ‘not wanting’ to speak up, but I suppose to, I planned to, I should, I acknowledge that I suppress, based on judgement and a specific fear – thus I realize that the reason WHY I do not do it is the point of suppression, for what I commit myself to LIVE COURAGE to express myself and within that decision I stand and breathe in and find the best moment to share myself and trust myself.

When and as I worry about what the other/others would react to what I am going to say, I check – what I am going to say is of practical common sense, supporting for all participants, including me and if yes, then I realize, I fear losing something existing in my mind – and even if it would exist in the other’s mind – that’s their point to face within self-honesty, and mine is to disregard my own belief/delusion, thus I LIVE COURAGE and express myself by focusing to my expression to do it the best way possible within self-trust.

When and as I would think that I should have done something but I did not, I realize that I am judging myself for what I have or have not done in the past, which I cannot change, but I can commit and decide myself to do next time differently and also to consider to prevent judging myself, I should do it if it’s common sense to do so.

When and as I focus to energetic reactions to judging what I imagine as of what I should have done and it’s consequence if I could have done it, I stop as realizing that I stimulate myself with energetic reactions instead of focusing to the COURAGE to commit myself to LIVE when the opportunity comes next time to do what I suppressed to do previously and also to name, word the actual reason I did not do it and by that supporting to prevent myself to make the same mistake again.

When and as I worry to ask something from somebody because of fearing of what if the other would say no and within that I would fear that I should define and judge myself based on that ‘no’, therefore not even trying and thus trying to avoid making ‘mistake’ but by that not even giving the chance to ‘hear’ a yes, basically sabotaging myself, therefore once I see the resistance to ask the person the question I fear of hearing of a ‘no’ – I realize that if I do not ask, I will judge myself not even trying, therefore I decide and commit myself to LIVE the COURAGE to ask the question I fear hearing a no of.

When and as I fear hearing a ‘NO’ from someone who I would ask something of, I name the game and word the subject of fear – what is the point I mostly fear about that ‘no’, where my imagination goes in this self-sabotaging pattern..

This is interesting – Self-forgiveness on fearing ‘NO’ when asking:

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the extent of being consumed of self-interest within fearing of hearing a ‘NO’ when asking something from someone and within that only considering myself, my goal, desire, want of that person and actually not respecting the other equally as myself within if he/she said ‘NO’, then that’s their point, decision, stance and if I still feel bad/wrong/hurt/disappointed/frustrated about it, then I only care about my want/need/desire, thus I have to evaluate my starting point within this self-consumed want, which through I can automatically get off-balance by the reaction of even imagining not ‘getting what I want’.

When and as I ask something of somebody and considering the option of hearing a ‘no’, I realize that it’s part of ‘asking’ to hear a no, and it does not mean that is final and ultimate, however it’s the other person’s stance within this, which should be considered and also to see if there is possibility/place/option to re-evaluate my starting point within this ‘asking’ and also to see if I could further communicate, express, explain myself to use reasoning by seeing if there is something maybe the other person does not know or should know about this point to maybe reconsider her/his answer – and meanwhile to stay here, present, direct without fear/judgement and emotional reaction to ensure not compromising my utmost potential to express myself within self-honesty.

When and as I communicate within someone and being asked of something which I consider saying NO to it, I realize the tendency to avoid saying ‘NO’, based on my own tendency to what I could feel when hearing a ‘NO’, and based on that saying ‘YES’, only to use this superimposed ‘compassion’, which actually is of self-interest projected out – therefore I drop this game and re-check within self-honesty and practical common sense – what should be my answer and then LIVE THE COURAGE to say ‘NO’ if that’s what I should say.

When and as I see that there is an interest behind not saying ‘NO’ to someone when being asked as by this trying to appear as ‘a good guy’ or by considering a hidden agenda/desire regarding to this person (for instance being attracted to a woman who asks me something really difficult/time-consuming but at this moment it’s really compromising, maybe even in relation to somebody else, who I ‘forget to consider’ by the imagination of ‘being good’ with the person I am attracted to), then in the tension appearing in my mind in this moment, wanting to say ‘YES’, then I should stop, re-align with a breath here and to ‘come clean’ and to communicate and express myself and remain within integrity according to what I would sabotage in order to cling onto this energetic ‘hope’ I feel in this moment by judgement and in this scenario I LIVE COURAGE to say ‘NO’ when it’s the common sense I should say.

When and as I worry of what people would think of me if I would say ‘NO’ to things I do not want to do – I check why not wanting to and if it’s self-honest, I LIVE COURAGE to say no and trust myself and to realize that if I try to live according to what others would think, I would not really be myself, and also it’s starting point is actually fear, doubt, which I commit myself to prevent accumulating within myself.

I commit myself to say ‘NO’ when it’s what I want without energetic/emotional pressure within and I commit myself to LIVE the COURAGE to ask even if a ‘NO’ I would get not be the best I could imagine and also to realize that it’s not always should be ‘the end of story’ if someone says ‘NO’ in the moment, unless it’s that direct and ‘ultimate’ and obvious ‘NO’, then I embrace it as fact and move on.

I commit myself to stop imagining and reacting emotionally to hearing ‘NO’ about a question I am considering to ask from somebody, but rather stick to practical common sense and to realize that it means to remain present, directive and if possible or required, to communicate further or move on actually.

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Day 250 – Driving self-correction part 2

IMG_5873Self-correcting statements continued in regarding to driving.

One might ask why I bother writing down these, am I not that super-aware that I just simply decide and do these – it’s question of self-honesty really, one must see what is the most effective way to realize all patterns¬† oneself constitutes within physical expression and if not the best one can be, then the question is ‘why shall I accept any self-limitation?’.
Also to apply common sense, because this does not mean that all parts of driving I should ‘practice’ until the end of times to see what my potentials could be, and within this to see what is driving for me and who I decide myself to live as and act accordingly.
For me as driving hours almost every day, it’s common sense to accumulate responsible and effective driving skills as soon as possible and to stop any automatic distractions coming up manifesting here from my self-accepted past, when I was not driving.
Within writing it’s a sort of screenplay I create, a script, with which I can assist myself to prepare for the moments to come to live the correction.
Also to see during this writing if there is any resistance, reaction still coming up to further specify, purify myself to become unified and effective within my decision.

Words can become directive power within reality if I am equal and one with what I write, speak and act, because then I am living those words and by that they become directive principle within this world.

I’ve realized that this supports me and by that I share what is good for me, because within that, it’s good for others as well and even if I am not yet effective within something, I take responsibility to expand and by sharing who I am, it’s also accumulating integrity, because this is why I do it, this is how I change, this is who I am.

Self-corrective statements:

When and as I cause the engine stop on the road I stop judging myself, I prevent myself to go into the emotion of shame and embarrassment but I breathe and I keep focus on directing how the car should behave, especially ensuring that the car does not roll back or ahead but I apply the break and also focusing to be present when restarting the engine and ensuring it will not stop by applying the clutch and the gas appropriately.

When and as I feel myself being embarrassed or ashamed about how I would judge myself driving, I realize that this self-judgement is not supporting, it’s diverting me to be here and apply the correction, change I see necessary.

When and as I feel that I am acting like a rookie and feeling that it is not so ‘cool’, I remain here and let go the comparison, judgement and realize that only with self-directive practice I can be better and if I am not yet satisfied, that means I need more practice, time, effort, and self-judgement is just an unnecessary distraction so I prevent myself going into that pattern.

When and as I worry about not being good enough in other’s eyes of how I am able to drive my car or handle situations, I realize that all I can do is to learn from mistakes and accumulate experience with disciplined presence without any fear or comparison.

When and as I want to please others as I perceive others would enjoy me to drive around, I realize that it’s not about pleasing but driving based on the mutually accepted rules and ensuring the most safety and not block others if preventable, but the most priority is to prevent accident and harm.

When and as I judge myself as rookie or not good enough in driving I stop and I breathe and I focus to driving actually and I let the comparison go and also the fear of not being good enough.

When and as I feel like I am going too fast and I could not stop in any moment if something would happen in front of me and therefore feeling tension but not doing anything about it, such as slowing down, because of other or because of excitement, then I slow down and take direction to the car and stop judging and fearing about what others would think of me if I go slower by considering all the problems I could create if I would cause a crash/hit, which is my responsibility to prevent.

When and as I see the tendency to react when I feel myself being blocked by other vehicles in front of me what are slower than me, I stop going into ‘what the…’ mode, not even for a moment, but I immediately re-align and direct myself to be completely here and directive, regardless of how long or how slow I am being blocked, meanwhile applying common sense about what to do to, thus not worrying about needing to stay here forever, but if possible, to find a better way.

When and as I see doing or causing something what I judged previously as not cool, I stop judging myself and stop comparing myself with the things I do, cause with the things in my mind and focusing to the process of improvement.

When and as there are pedestrians moving across the street, regardless of pedestrian crossing and I would feel like blocked, slowed down, I breathe, I relax my body, I let go all muscles not needed to direct the car and I remain here, directive and realize that the most important is safety and to remain here, calm, directive with common sense.

When and as I see that other cars wait behind me for me to pass by pedestrians, pedestrian cross, I prevent myself going into imagining how they are becoming impatient as waiting for me as patiently waiting for pedestrians and rather focus to the pedestrians and to see when it’s appropriate to cross without threatening or endangering or even getting close to anyone and I breathe.

When and as a pedestrian passes through the street what is not by the traffic rules, I remain here and directive and realizing that it’s still my responsibility to prevent any danger/accident, so I remain here, direct the car appropriately without any reaction/emotion/feeling/thought but pushing myself directly to act, wherein even keeping the car on hold is action.

When and as I am blocking others way for a reason and I hear they use the horn and make the sound of they want me to move over/move away I remain calm, present, directive as realizing that emotion/reaction will not help solving this, but only exists as distraction and instead I focus to move away/forward as effective as possible or if not possible for a while, then to give others way to pass by without any need of frustration, emotional charge as this is part of the driving and will happen from time to time, so to allow myself going into reaction based on this is me basically allowing to be screwed up at random times and in those times justifying it with the situation but in fact I am doing it.

I commit myself to prevent going into any emotional energetic reaction stimulation during driving by deciding to focus to what is here in each breath and to decompose and forgive all patterns what drive my focus away from remaining here within consistent self-expression during driving a car.

I commit myself to stop comparing myself to others or ideas about how I am driving and then defining it as cool or uncool and by the energetic reactions to those, stimulating myself and listening to thoughts/feelings/emotions and accumulating patterns automatically re-emerging in my mind to distract me from consistent presence within self-direction during driving.

I commit myself to stop fearing from what can happen when I am driving and rather constantly being within the awareness of what I can do in this very moment to prevent any danger/accident/problem.

I commit myself to keep expanding and learning about how to drive effectively and safely one breath after another while forgiving all patterns emerging automatically as part of the self-definition personality mind consciousness program I’ve accepted and allowed to identify and behave as who I perceived myself to be and.

I commit myself to take the time to investigate when something is bugging me in my mind re-occurring and thus diverting my attention from driving and apply common sense to solve that self-dishonesty.

I commit myself to develop skills to be able to consistently drive within responsible, patient and effective way within self-honesty.

I commit myself to consider other participants within the traffic who I am interacting with by the principle of give as I would like to receive, meaning what I would find as disturbing, threatening, dangerous, uncomfortable, I do not do onto others without any expectation by defining that this is who I am and this is what I stand for.


Next time I will write about the word ‘navigation’ – as becoming more effective on driving, the bigger picture within traveling is related to that.

There are some self-definitions I relate to automatically what prevents me to expand naturally, but ‘luckily’, I can apply the Process of Self-forgiveness to directly change the patterns I constitute by decomposing and releasing, re-aligning, changing…

to be continued….