Day 340 – Emotions and Self-honesty

IMG_0898After yesterdays blog, I might have opened up Pandora’s box within myself as today I was quite emotional. (Well, before yesterday)

It’s rare thing for me, most of my life I’ve lived with perfecting suppressing emotions, but I am actually stopping as proven to be not the best approach(obviously), which might mean I do find myself within reactions.

I start with clarifying – within DIP online courses emotions are the negative-related energetic experiences, such as fear, worry, jealousy, hate, sadness, etc, while feelings are the positive ones, such as happy, excitement, etc.

Neither of them is bad or good, they are simply put: tools for expression. The self-dishonesty about these is that when they come and go ‘automatically’ and I am the puppet, when I am actually giving permission to get emotional, angry, sad, ‘fall into love’ or become obsessed with happy feelings, etc.

The practical approach within learning on how to LIVE words directly(instead of being influenced, stimulated by) is to redefine my relationship and meanings in relation to self-honesty and considerations of all participants of my reality here. Example: Instead of wanting to experience joy, I answer the question of ‘How can I Live Enjoyment?’.

Thus, it is Self-movement I live, not going through experiences and reacting, bouncing, conflicting through.

So, my commitment to stop suppressing emotions is about to break the following habit:

  • I experience/see/think of something what I have judgement about, somewhat memory, association, personal involvement.
  • I react with the judgement, I feel a certain energetic experience
  • I recognize that I am moving away from ‘center’ as this emotion would start to overwhelm me
  • I suppress the emotion, just ‘swallow it’, ‘push it down’ with a single inner movement, saying ‘go away’
  • I am here, clear, kind of logical, focused, stable again

This can happen quite automatically, part of my personality, in fact pretty fast, if I am not present and aware, I do not even notice that I am doing it.

There are various layers of why this became ‘normal’ for me – but mostly because I recognized that I am quite impaired and limited, less effective and compromised to apply logic and common sense when I am overwhelmed with emotions related to fear.
Kind of a weakness as I have defined it, thus better to spend time within this kind of states the least possible.

So instead of facing the fear, understanding it’s reality-related connection, I just want it to go away, instead of solving it’s origin.

Within my ‘culture’ – also to be a ‘man’ – means not to get ‘soft’ but strong, rigid and solid all the time, and with emotions I felt more vulnerable, unpredictable and unstable, so pretty early I decided not to spend too much time within emotional states, thus suppression, as ‘swallowing’ the reaction, suffering, doubt and fear became my second nature.

What I have not realized, seen and understood before, is that each and every emotion suppressed is not going anywhere, but stays with me, accumulates and creates layers, blocks and another level of automatic personality behaviour within me, and the top of that, once reached some kind of limit, I just can’t hold it anymore, kind of exerting it out, without any direction, control or power over it, regardless of situation, company or consideration. And that is quite a problem.

So, that’s why I am walking DIP PRO course, writing this blog, applying self-forgiveness, to understand myself more and prevent suppressing, but solving problems, so no need to judge, react, go into inner thinking mode – as whenever I do so – I am not acting, because of doubt, fear, confusion, resistance, and when I do not act and move in reality, I internalize, I suppress, and that is a sign of facing a point and remaining within self-dishonesty.

Thus the responsibility point presents itself what I take and work with. The DIP course is invaluable within supporting and I have changed so much in the last couple of years and this blog and overall expansion and stability of mine is in a way already a living proof, yet it’s still a process, thus I keep walking the course and this blog as well.

Within the last years, especially since ended my last, quite hectic and conflicting partnership some years ago, these emotional states became less intense, I must say I was and am much-much more stable and present.

Within the current partnership I am, since quite some months, I am having experiences I never had before, more direct enjoyment, trust, sharing and opening up with myself and ‘my’ lady, and more and more I push myself to become vulnerable, feel more, let go of fear and distrust and be completely open. It is great and eternally grateful I am as step by step learning to live without doubt and fear, sometimes still stumbling but in overall this process is good.

So, in a nutshell, this is in relation to suppressing my emotions and years of walking this process allows me to trust, even when something not so comfortable or nice experience comes, as more and more I have a direct reference of how it is when I am physically here, and that becomes my foundation, where to I return from the storms my self-conditioned mind still sometimes creates.

Today was another of these storms I see now, and in a way I created it, but also it was flooding me at the same time.

The recent experiences I am going through also added to it and accumulated me to intensify certain emotions, which are uncertainty and sadness, loneliness and sorrow.

The main triggering point was that I have finished watching – well, through the last days, today ‘The Leftovers’ TV series. Without spoiling, it is a great show, if someone is interested in the deeper psychology of people, who had great traumas and those still influencing their lives to the point of very sad and insane moments from time to time.
The initial interest in it was not this topic for me, but ‘writer of Lost’ and ‘mystery’ and quality in overall, but through the seasons I found this profound value of the characters change and interaction.

The rhythm, the balance; the artistic expression combined with the great actors performance, the exceptional music – it was very emotional, – within each episode, well composed to have these peak moments, when I just had these tearful moments until the end of the whole season and closure, when I reached this total emptiness and sadness, sorrow and what I associated with it is the reality of each human individual’s constant and consistent exposure to traumatic experiences throughout our entire lives and how much that influences, compromises us, humans to do what could be best for all.

I had very busy months behind, each day, committed to do specific things and that gave me purpose, and looks like my commitment and consistent application soon fruits it’s result in the planned way, however today I was at the point of nothing more to do, yet the outcome is not yet fully manifested, and thus all of a sudden I feel empty, nothing moves me, but I also do not move either.

I know I should, also that I will, but what came was that I want to be in this emptiness, to see what’s still within the depths of me to face who I was, to embrace, to let go and focus to move on.

What did not happen with me since maybe a decade, I skipped hydrating today, usually I am drinking liters of water, and I was not hungry. Thus, I recognized that I am not in sync with my physical, so I fried a pre-made pizza, I ate, still was not hungry, but once started eating, I started to ‘come down’ with this emotional state.

Also chatted with my lady, did not want to share how I feel but we have trust and care, so decided to just concisely express myself and within writing it was another step assisting and supporting to see and recognize what I am experiencing and then become aware of how I have moved today with this whole time line of becoming emotional and started to step out of it. After drinking almost a litre water and still feeling thirsty, I finally recognized that I was kind of ‘out’ for a while and actually supporting my body, then resting more brought back and I was/am able to continue with more present, self-directive and considerate daily living.

I even could relate to some lsd acid trips, it was in a way similar experience, but not in the sense of effects, but the inner storm, ‘death’ and silence and exponentially(first slowly, then more and more directly) awakening.

In overall, I would say this was a long time emotion suppressing reaching it’s threshold to be triggered to need to be discharged and kind of exerting.

What was actually cool about it that I had no doubt that I get to stabilize soon, was no fear or even shame this time, and within crying I felt relief. Well, it was not actual sobbing, like I had in 2014 when after all struggles my ex girlfriend told me she would leave, then I was really crying for about a minute and then I was clear again.

This time was just crying, kind of submitting into the watched drama’s roller coaster, yet it was supporting in a way.

What I see here in this all as I could have done ‘better’ and will do in any case of similar ‘next time’ to anchor myself more to presence, to apply forgiveness WITHIN the storm, to accelerate self-stabilization.

Also I was not entirely certain to share it with my partner, as did not want to seem unstable or sad, but we are both very busy nowadays thus did not communicate much, so I felt better to share than to just stay quiet.

Let’s walk self-forgiveness to open up additional points towards practical solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress emotional experiences with which I can’t deal, control or stop influencing me to become unstable, and never realizing that suppressing means accumulating.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that with what I don’t learn to deal with in self-honesty, will keep controlling me and my life until I stand up and take responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself of what were the actual points, judgements and reactions I kept suppressing recently and thus accumulating to the point of exerting in a way what manifested in being moody, sad and worried and thus not being able to see what I participate within, or even prevent stepping into.

I forgive myself that I have not assisted and supported myself in the exact moment of ANY judgement, reaction or emotion I would manifest within myself with slowing down, re-aligning with physical presence and to be able to look at the point I am about to react to and suppress by believing that I can’t or do not have to deal with this right now, but will do later, or even thinking ‘I hope this will be solved, or my observation and suspicion would turn out to be not true’.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to exactly see the points with what I started to ‘have a relationship with’ as assumption, observation, belief and worry and first of all not solve it within myself, or if it is about to communicate with the person I am experiencing it relation to and I am clear on that I should engage communication with, then to do it in a way what is clear, concise and supportive for finding solution and agreement.

I will continue walking these points…


Day 250 – Driving self-correction part 2

IMG_5873Self-correcting statements continued in regarding to driving.

One might ask why I bother writing down these, am I not that super-aware that I just simply decide and do these – it’s question of self-honesty really, one must see what is the most effective way to realize all patternsĀ  oneself constitutes within physical expression and if not the best one can be, then the question is ‘why shall I accept any self-limitation?’.
Also to apply common sense, because this does not mean that all parts of driving I should ‘practice’ until the end of times to see what my potentials could be, and within this to see what is driving for me and who I decide myself to live as and act accordingly.
For me as driving hours almost every day, it’s common sense to accumulate responsible and effective driving skills as soon as possible and to stop any automatic distractions coming up manifesting here from my self-accepted past, when I was not driving.
Within writing it’s a sort of screenplay I create, a script, with which I can assist myself to prepare for the moments to come to live the correction.
Also to see during this writing if there is any resistance, reaction still coming up to further specify, purify myself to become unified and effective within my decision.

Words can become directive power within reality if I am equal and one with what I write, speak and act, because then I am living those words and by that they become directive principle within this world.

I’ve realized that this supports me and by that I share what is good for me, because within that, it’s good for others as well and even if I am not yet effective within something, I take responsibility to expand and by sharing who I am, it’s also accumulating integrity, because this is why I do it, this is how I change, this is who I am.

Self-corrective statements:

When and as I cause the engine stop on the road I stop judging myself, I prevent myself to go into the emotion of shame and embarrassment but I breathe and I keep focus on directing how the car should behave, especially ensuring that the car does not roll back or ahead but I apply the break and also focusing to be present when restarting the engine and ensuring it will not stop by applying the clutch and the gas appropriately.

When and as I feel myself being embarrassed or ashamed about how I would judge myself driving, I realize that this self-judgement is not supporting, it’s diverting me to be here and apply the correction, change I see necessary.

When and as I feel that I am acting like a rookie and feeling that it is not so ‘cool’, I remain here and let go the comparison, judgement and realize that only with self-directive practice I can be better and if I am not yet satisfied, that means I need more practice, time, effort, and self-judgement is just an unnecessary distraction so I prevent myself going into that pattern.

When and as I worry about not being good enough in other’s eyes of how I am able to drive my car or handle situations, I realize that all I can do is to learn from mistakes and accumulate experience with disciplined presence without any fear or comparison.

When and as I want to please others as I perceive others would enjoy me to drive around, I realize that it’s not about pleasing but driving based on the mutually accepted rules and ensuring the most safety and not block others if preventable, but the most priority is to prevent accident and harm.

When and as I judge myself as rookie or not good enough in driving I stop and I breathe and I focus to driving actually and I let the comparison go and also the fear of not being good enough.

When and as I feel like I am going too fast and I could not stop in any moment if something would happen in front of me and therefore feeling tension but not doing anything about it, such as slowing down, because of other or because of excitement, then I slow down and take direction to the car and stop judging and fearing about what others would think of me if I go slower by considering all the problems I could create if I would cause a crash/hit, which is my responsibility to prevent.

When and as I see the tendency to react when I feel myself being blocked by other vehicles in front of me what are slower than me, I stop going into ‘what the…’ mode, not even for a moment, but I immediately re-align and direct myself to be completely here and directive, regardless of how long or how slow I am being blocked, meanwhile applying common sense about what to do to, thus not worrying about needing to stay here forever, but if possible, to find a better way.

When and as I see doing or causing something what I judged previously as not cool, I stop judging myself and stop comparing myself with the things I do, cause with the things in my mind and focusing to the process of improvement.

When and as there are pedestrians moving across the street, regardless of pedestrian crossing and I would feel like blocked, slowed down, I breathe, I relax my body, I let go all muscles not needed to direct the car and I remain here, directive and realize that the most important is safety and to remain here, calm, directive with common sense.

When and as I see that other cars wait behind me for me to pass by pedestrians, pedestrian cross, I prevent myself going into imagining how they are becoming impatient as waiting for me as patiently waiting for pedestrians and rather focus to the pedestrians and to see when it’s appropriate to cross without threatening or endangering or even getting close to anyone and I breathe.

When and as a pedestrian passes through the street what is not by the traffic rules, I remain here and directive and realizing that it’s still my responsibility to prevent any danger/accident, so I remain here, direct the car appropriately without any reaction/emotion/feeling/thought but pushing myself directly to act, wherein even keeping the car on hold is action.

When and as I am blocking others way for a reason and I hear they use the horn and make the sound of they want me to move over/move away I remain calm, present, directive as realizing that emotion/reaction will not help solving this, but only exists as distraction and instead I focus to move away/forward as effective as possible or if not possible for a while, then to give others way to pass by without any need of frustration, emotional charge as this is part of the driving and will happen from time to time, so to allow myself going into reaction based on this is me basically allowing to be screwed up at random times and in those times justifying it with the situation but in fact I am doing it.

I commit myself to prevent going into any emotional energetic reaction stimulation during driving by deciding to focus to what is here in each breath and to decompose and forgive all patterns what drive my focus away from remaining here within consistent self-expression during driving a car.

I commit myself to stop comparing myself to others or ideas about how I am driving and then defining it as cool or uncool and by the energetic reactions to those, stimulating myself and listening to thoughts/feelings/emotions and accumulating patterns automatically re-emerging in my mind to distract me from consistent presence within self-direction during driving.

I commit myself to stop fearing from what can happen when I am driving and rather constantly being within the awareness of what I can do in this very moment to prevent any danger/accident/problem.

I commit myself to keep expanding and learning about how to drive effectively and safely one breath after another while forgiving all patterns emerging automatically as part of the self-definition personality mind consciousness program I’ve accepted and allowed to identify and behave as who I perceived myself to be and.

I commit myself to take the time to investigate when something is bugging me in my mind re-occurring and thus diverting my attention from driving and apply common sense to solve that self-dishonesty.

I commit myself to develop skills to be able to consistently drive within responsible, patient and effective way within self-honesty.

I commit myself to consider other participants within the traffic who I am interacting with by the principle of give as I would like to receive, meaning what I would find as disturbing, threatening, dangerous, uncomfortable, I do not do onto others without any expectation by defining that this is who I am and this is what I stand for.

Next time I will write about the word ‘navigation’ – as becoming more effective on driving, the bigger picture within traveling is related to that.

There are some self-definitions I relate to automatically what prevents me to expand naturally, but ‘luckily’, I can apply the Process of Self-forgiveness to directly change the patterns I constitute by decomposing and releasing, re-aligning, changing…

to be continued….