Day 382 – Dance party mind self-correction


All pictures are from other past events

(Oupps, this post became a bit longer than planned, apologies, just needed to walk through this all. I will focus more on structuring in the next post.)

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed to realize the simplicity within Disciplined Living as Self-honesty, whereas I keep expressing myself to direct myself through the mind, as physical expression in any and all moments, meaning whenever I see reaction, emotional buildup, doubtful thoughts, I disengage within understanding and re-aligning with practical common sense.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the tendency of accepting self-dishonesty in any specific aspects of my every day living is what I need to pinpoint with wording and not forgetting those in order to be able to recognize the pattern BEFORE participating.

I really enjoy to be at new situations, and if I look at it with virgin eye, especially living after some decades – there is always a pattern, such as relating to something from my past – and the fallacy into self-dishonesty is something I have to work on becoming aware of, basically all the time.

I was out with my colleagues, bar and clubbing experience. Most of them were drunk, I was completely sober. My mind was flooded with all kinds of patterns to relate, to categorize and justify based on my past and I had to admit that regardless of all my efforts to remain present, directive, some of those patterns were triggered and I got ‘under the influence’ of several specific convictions.

It was fascinating to discover what are the specific points I was reacting to and thus slipping back to my obviously self-dishonest patterns.

I do not really see that the exact details and patterns do matter this much to others, however the structured walk through those could be assisting to others as well.

And of course, it is definitely supporting me to walk through, thus it’s a genuine self-enjoyment to write and share these as it is literally The Journey To Life from Consciousness System to Living Awareness.

Let’s walk some of those patterns here, what went through my mind:

The music was crap, some retro-pop, the sound system was sounding horribly, was calibrated wrong and were bashing my ears quite much, every time we had to talk, had to shout.

The music itself was mostly very repetitive and primitive to my taste and even the DJ and his mixing abilities were atrocious, thus mostly was a direct crossfade to completely different vibes, rhythms or types.

My friends were so drunk, they could not care less about what we were dancing to, and their full-blown careless enjoyment in fact tainted me to elevate me from the ridiculousness of the music and sounds to actual enjoyment anyway.

There were ladies, actually many, mostly were gangs of 3-6, they were also kind of illuminated and most of them seemed to enjoy the music thus were dancing to their individual preferences. I speak about Ace of Base, Shakira and all other kinds of pop I do not really recognize or know.
It seemed normal to have fun with them as just with anyone else, although I know that I am good with dancing and moving, I just did not really feel right to directly contact or interact with them, which was interesting to notice, so I looked further why.

Some were more open to interact with our group, some weren’t – I was wondering if I should now engage or not, some of them seemed to be even attractive to my norms to a certain extent, and when I was wondering about that, I just kept finding reasons and justifications why not to – I mean if I really look anyone, I can find imperfection, especially in a badly lighted drunken dancefloor, and I realized this is just weird not to enjoy and have fun, but to squander around in my mind to decide if I want or not to get closer to women as for fun or potential friendship or even partnership. Typical mind-slippery slope, one becomes righteous and what thoughts come, just accept as self and becomes so, directed by and completely inferior to.

That moment of stopping self-expression during dance was enough to get a ‘feeling weird’ moment among them and I decided to decide (funny) not to care about women and my desire to ‘get’ a woman.
“I am with my friends, there is a reason to this party, so that’s why I am here, period.”

But I saw, it’s obviously a stinky reasoning – as it came, and why, I saw, I am limiting myself by some unadmitted fear.

Of course, this was just seconds in the party, but due to extensive amount of experience and exploration on dance floors in my past, this is truly one of my ‘I am at home’ situations, thus this uncomfortability was shaken off in less than a minute, but I saw several points what I am lacking to directly be aware of and position myself to a stable, consistent, self-trusting self-agreement about the surfaced points.

And just as life could not be more fun, after all the excuses of ‘there is noone here who would really make me being interested’, I have noticed a lady who just seemed like out of perfection to my personally pre-programmed desirable image and likeness, and I had to realize the ridiculousness of my current mind-setup about this.

I walked through the crowd and looked into her eyes and it ‘seemed’ that there is a mutual interest, like ‘hey, you seem interesting, hm’ – but in that minute we were about to leave as my team’s decision, which, actually I have initiated to resonate among us and they all agreed upon already, so I left with a quirky smile on my face.

There is no rocket science of that triggering about why this ‘she is grand’ condition was activated – she had cute and attractive face, tall and thin body with a dress just revealing enough in a still socially acceptable way. It’s probably just for me, but she was like a swan among ducks to me and in that moment I also realized, I am just falling into this pattern, well, not the first time in my life.

Even within that ‘sweet’ mind-high moment of judging her as pleasant, her heels were quite high which I clearly remember, defined as ‘hmm maybe too much’ but in overall, this was still like ‘hmm, cool’.

Also, by reflecting back from her, I felt my body, face and dressing to be uninteresting and kind of inferior towards the judgments I have projected towards her and thus I even had a slight doubt, as I just went out to a pub to say good bye to a resigning colleague friend, and the night turned into this club-dancing blast.

And of course, she was with a guy, who she was smiling with, thus I concluded, she might have a boyfriend already, probably, so this is just it and let’s just move on. *Sigh.

I felt that I should stretch my spine to stand as more straight and push my chest forward, my chin up as I started to lose my presence into the mind completely, thus these physical alignment points are here to assist me to return HERE with common sense, instead of keep falling into justifications, doubt and self-limitation. So then I was able to step out from this pattern eventually with a big deep breath from the cool city air outside.

This is kind of a start for establishing a sort of physical timeline of points I see, can directly realize as points of self-dishonest participation within my mind.

Relevant to note, there is nothing wrong, I am certain of, if I have preferences, decisions and I act upon those, especially about partnership, however when I am influenced by my past, which I have not yet walked to forgive, understand and let go, based on convictions, definitions, another self-dishonest reactions, then I am literally gullible to act upon something which is not resulting to direct self-expression within honesty with myself to the utmost, as probably not really and directly relevant to what is actually here in real time.
Or if putting so much attention to one aspect only, such as visuals, I am might be possessed or obsessed with it for a reason what might also hide self-dishonesty, which again: deserves self-introspection and if needed: correction as well. Not saying one should not consider the look as well, but when one has the tendency to just ‘fall’ into someone based on that only, that’s a good sign that it’s probably a massive mind-construct is waiting to be walked through.

One might argue, why to strive and struggle towards something like ‘utmost, perfect honesty with myself’, as everyone has their own past and moments of doubts and worries, preferences and illogical things, that makes us humans – it’s just I do not accept myself to remain limited, especially not by my own self-limitations based on something I did or believed, feared of or desired in the past.

Also there were several reference points which made me compare myself in a kind of ‘right’ way with others, for instance there was one of my friends, who had no difficulty to approach ladies, hold their hands, dance with them, although there was nothing sexual or mating about it – for instance he is married and still, he can dance with ladies in a ‘respectable’ way and I saw that this is the case, he just had some fun moments without considered to be cheating. I was pretty sure about that he had no intent to pick up ladies, he just had some ‘normal’ dance and fun.

I saw that I am not like that, I am rather a bit antisocial in this sense, as I do not approach ladies, even just as part of the ‘normal’ fun on the dancefloor.

My type of parties, I used to conditioned to were mostly trance parties, where people are a bit more isolated as many can be on drugs and have the stimulation coming from inside more than outside, not generally always being this the case, but that I was more comfortable with.
When visited folk music events for instance, it’s more about everyone interacting, dancing, holding hands, shoulders, hips and do some ‘traditional-like’ dancings, which I never got absolutely comfortable with, and it’s like a trap of 22 – I do not have enough experience and skill to do that, but because of that I do not even try to do it, thus will not have experience, and thus I am doomed to avoid it, yet kind of missing it as well.
Because of worry if I make mistake or not being able to do a perfect way instantly – and it is a typical self-dishonesty point as well.

IMG_0599There were ‘gate’ points wherein I saw the opportunity to bridge through my experienced isolation, for instance with those ladies, who were ‘not my type’ (I quote points what are kind of mind-patterns just to be more obvious in this writing), yet I fell into the definition of objects, thus I had this separation experience as them there, vs me here.
So I had the intent to release a desire and find target for it, and in the process of ‘matching’ out there to the subject for it, I lost my ability to really connect with them, regardless of the ‘matching’ process of ‘true or false’.

As with the ones I concluded as ‘not interested really’ – based on behavior and how they look, I decided to not even try to interact with them on the dancefloor, kind of ignoring them, while in a way I also noticed the same they seemed doing with me, just ignoring me, although we were a meter away.

This is something I can relate to with my experience at goa trance parties experience, when I am ‘whole’ – there is no them or me, separation or even desire – rather seems like a safe, mischievous game.

Also at times, when I went there with ladies I know, we always had a blast together, great connection, dance and flow, but then it was obvious from the beginning, we arrived together, had fun together too, was no need to do ‘first contact’.
Either way, I was preprogrammed of when and how I am comfortable and certain.

And this way it SEEMS unlimited, because of the rules I’ve formed already and in between those I am confident, safe and free. But the moment I disregard a single rule, I am about to experience friction.

One for instance: not to try to pick up a lady there. Many occasions there were quite obvious signs that ladies showed interest to connect with me on various levels, even just dancing with or talking to – I used to say – I am not here to date, but dance and have fun with my friends.

This came back again – not that women were ‘hitting on’ me, just they were so close, I was triggered by my suppressed desire and judgments of beauty and attraction.

And all of a sudden I find my limitations – shall I or how to approach them, what if something is not great, I would be refused for instance or turns out the lady I get together with is not someone I would date for long term, what if my hair is wrong, all the stupid worries a teenager boy would think of in front of a lady he likes.

So then, at this party, as it was different than I used to go to – had to ‘realign’ with my rules, and then I stated – I am here just for fun with my friends, not to get women.
All of a sudden all is more clear again, I do not have friction, I kind of relax, no need to hunt, no need to look all the 50 points I should consider.

I guess, that’s why people drink alcohol, so those mind-systems are inhibited, so people just engage, try and see what happens.
Meanwhile other part of their mind-system is boosted, such as desire, directness, so they feel empowered to do things uninhibited, things they would not do sober.

So this is just an example of how much one can see and work with one’s self-dishonesty and self-limiting mind to reveal.

Also, it is the first step to acknowledge, to write down, and then the investigation starts, why and how I got to this point, what exactly happened in the physical timeline in relation to reality around me, what I did, felt and thought.

This allows me to start applying self-forgiveness on the patterns of self-dishonesty, what I have allowed and accepted to become me, but I give myself a chance to change, to stop and discover another ways to act in these specific situations.

It might take a while, days, weeks, sometimes even months to walk through big points within, but once real change starts, I guarantee that everyone would say ‘yes, it is worthy’ as we actually do not know how much limitation we accept within ourselves until we start unshackling those chains and discover how much free and enjoyable our life can be if really becoming self-honest.

For instance a question: why would be a problem if I approach a lady and she would say no?
It’s alright – she has the right – am I less if she says no? No.
I mean the exact same thing I expect me to have – the ability to say no to a person who I do not want to be with.

If then the fear kicks in of what if all ladies who I like say no, then what I should do?
Am I then remaining alone forever? No – but in the mind, time is quite a relative thing, fear really can bend it, thus seems scary and final, but in reality – there are other opportunities, maybe even at the same party, maybe on an another next day or week.
Or if not, then I might need to reconsider my attitude, my approach, my presentation, starting point, selection or desire.

So if one has the ability to see through these patterns with practical common sense, then these typical things, for what we tend to apply rules to protect ourselves from experiences we define as uncomfortable, such as rejection, self-judgement.

But has to take the time to slow down within to see each details – and it is a skill, an ability, which has to be developed, grown, become, and takes effort and time.

That’s why writing a diary, a blog with the starting point of self-honesty(no finger pointing to others, no blame, but bringing back all to self and to see if am I accepting any belief, hope or lie and if so, to commit myself to stop it and find a practical way to do so)

Desteni I Process LITE is the perfect introductory course for the basics, as one can do it online for free, with daily, short assignments and a guide there, who already know how to walk this understanding and self-honesty change.

The Desteni I Process PRO course is for deeper understanding, that is where the physical timelines are being walked, to find not just conscious patterns, but subconscious too, to be able to understand – and change – more with more disciplined, and more assignments. There is also a buddy in the system, who with one have regular chats to be assisted and cross-referenced through the establishment of self-honesty, meaning cross-referencing perception with facts, as human mind alone can be self-deceptive in a very convincing way, thus the another person, who already walked similar path. The DIP PRO course is not free, but it’s a significantly more effective way to support self-honesty. There is even a way to apply for sponsorship, so it’s not about the money, however if someone can pay the course fee, then supporting a whole network of other people who are supporting others, also developing similar new courses and of course, the website hosting and online presence also has some costs, what is nice to be covered.

It’s all about putting out there the support and make it obvious how people can assist themselves – as it’s always self-movement, no course exists what can change for us, we have to walk it, but there is a lot of people who are willing to support, the same way as they were also supported before.

I am going to walk the rest of self-forgiveness for my patterns shared for today to support understanding and prepare myself to find practical ways to stop those self-limitations and figure out what I really want and then live it within self-honesty.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the self-limitations I define myself in order to create a bubble of friction-free, conflict-avoiding experience for myself within excuses and justifications and convictions about why I do not want what makes me conflicted, fearful, anxious or worried.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from rejection in general, believing that it means I am not good enough, I am stupid, awkward and ugly, meanwhile if I look at it without any emotional pressure, just common sense, I would say, I am fine and it’s a self-sabotage, which is hiding layered another self-interest protection not to be discovered by me, such as not wanting to get attached to people, not want to compromise my perceived freedom and the fear of not being a nice person, if I would be honest the way actually I also would like to be honest with.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can any time expose my perpetuated self-honesty as a lie by not giving to others what I would like to receive in the situation of dating and partnership, because of the values I hold onto and self-definitions I try to follow in order to remain within the self-defined self-limited self-definition system, such as not wanting to reject others as I feel that I would feel bad if I would be rejected, meanwhile directly seeing that rejection is normal, everyone cannot say yes to everyone all the time to everything, it’s common sense.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see points within me with what I can generate self-judgement, resulting in doubt and self-compromising non-action mode, instead of applying common sense to all those points about what are those, what I can do about those, if I should and establish a clarity and self-agreement with myself, for instance how I find myself presentable and if not, why, what I should do about it and what is the extent I should go, and to see, if any fear is behind of any action, and then apply self-forgiveness and bring back myself to facts, reality, practicality here.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to give to others what I would like to receive, the ability to say no, or reject things I would offer, and fearing to be rejected, instead of accepting the ability to response and be responded to and thus form and grow, instead of falling into fear and not acting to avoid the things I fear, meanwhile what I really fear is just an inflated thing, in reality it’s absolutely no problem.
  • I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself about the points I can give into fear and thus speed up in my mind based on the scenarios I want to avoid and within that not seeing that some of those are completely alright, but I still accept to fear to face, such as rejection, someone’s judgement, being inexperienced or awkward in situations I did not allowed myself to experience or grow with, thus sabotaging my natural trust and grow.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to bastion myself around with excuses and justifications to specific situations in order to avoid friction inside and thus feeling conflicted within in order to not need to face these self-limitations and aspects of myself naturally wanting to grow, such as casual fun with females without objectifying.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge objectifying women as bad, however not being aware of how I can be participating in the same behavior without realizing, such as when being at a party and judging and reacting to women on the dancefloor based on how they look and how I rate them in my mind automatically to always establish an automatic approach of how much I am attracted to them based on their look, behavior and sound.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that I have a specific ‘type’ of women who I am attracted to, based on my past and preconditioning and not wanting to give up, but also not wanting to take responsibility for as believing to be limiting and not nice, yet not giving up either, thus not being certain, not being honest and not being directive within my actions either.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that some self-definitions I deliberately keep, even within walking the process of self-honesty as believing to have the right to do so and justifying it with that this is my true and natural self-expression, yet not being absolutely sure about it and thus allowing doubt about it, inner friction, causing me to be awkward and stumbling.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am not being clear towards women who are strangers and not yet placed in my social halo as ‘potential partner prospect’ or ‘accepted as not potential partner prospect’ and based on that not being sure how to behave with them, what’s appropriate or beneficial, and not realizing that this separation is self-dishonest, because completely relies and biased by my self-interest yet not wanting to admit it because then I would need to face the fact that I have to let it go completely, which I do not want to do for a reason I do not admit to myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not slow down within, backtrack and debug, understand and expose my mind-s movement within me at the moment of being triggered by ‘a striking beautiful woman’ to see what it is I am valuing, how and why.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized, admitted and acknowledged that when I value a woman based on look, of what I defined as valuable, that it is related to doubt, fear and self-hate to be balanced out, suppressed down and distracted from by the value I’d perceive by the person’s decision to choose to be with me, thus having this positive affirmation to a negative starting point within, instead of directly opening up and seeing these points within me to start forgiving and releasing at the first place, thus, instead of remaining dependent on energy, others and judgement, projection and desire; to be able to establish self-trust, self-value and self-love directly.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized in the moment of self-compromise within a situation I have preprogrammed myself not to look beyond my self-limitations, because each of those I can justify in any second, and this is automatic, creating self-interest, protecting it and automatically avoiding to challenge my beliefs, yet not realizing that in each moment I accept an excuse, it becomes more automatic, and the way is to apply self-forgiveness to see, realize and become aware of those self-compromises.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about how I look and behave, but not investing effort to review if those worries are relatable to reality or not, and if so, what I could actually do about those, for instance if I worry that my hair is weird, because I cut it myself, I can ask someone to help fixing it or paying for hairdresser, but as I have defined that it’s too much time and money to waste, I am doing myself, yet not being satisfied with the result, accepting conflict within, doubt and uncertainty, and at situations, when doubt is triggered, confidence is challenged, I automatically jump back to this – and other similarly self-made up – point and re-energize the doubt, the reason why I should justify to remain doubtful, thus to limit my expression what would expose me to the worries I try to avoid to be triggered.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about not having specific skills or abilities in order to engage to specific social activities, yet whenever I would have opportunity to express, practice, live or expand with, I automatically justify ‘being not good with’ instead of simply doing it and learning, finding out who I am within that.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from rejection as then I would define myself to be not good enough and I would define myself as worthless and not realizing that the initial experience of worthlessness is already self-accepted and present within me and my mind, and trying to avoiding to be triggered by not engaging into activities wherein I would be able to judge myself as such, and thus believing to be not limited, meanwhile it is literally the definition of self-limitation.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the positive self-affirmations about what I am good with based on feelings and experiences and not realizing that where is positivity, there is negativity as the only way to create positive energy is by also creating negative, thus all is self-created, and if I accept myself to be driven by, addicted to, mesmerized by positive and negative experiences, I am the slave of my self-delusion.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge music as primitive and define it as annoying and only being able to enjoy music if it is part of my self-defined type of goodness, otherwise automatically closing down and rejecting it and thus predetermining my experience towards it, instead of truly being here in the moment and trusting myself – whether I stay and enjoy or stay and not reacting to it, or even to decide to leave, but without thinking, judging, feeling good or bad, as direct self-expression.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge music, sound system and people based on the quality I define these to be according to my past and self-definitions and anything ‘less than’ I judge any of these and I would feel superior and better or more refined or higher than this, I stop, breathe and realize that it is not about the judgement, the definition, but who I am directing myself to be in this very moment of exposure of such experience.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have developed and accepted a bunch of rules to define to me what is good and acceptable, what is bad and unacceptable and stop questioning myself, reality, direct experiences, but limiting myself with these rules to form my roles in society, and even within obvious and serious self-limitation situations, not stopping participating within those self-definitions limitations, but rather justifying them, identifying them as who I am and thus protecting my interest, not seeing that it is due to fear as conserving the same fear essence moment at the inception of those specific self-definitions from my past to keep bringing with me all the time but being shielded from by the interest of not wanting to experience the fear directly, yet still being limited by.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress desire towards qualities projected to women thus developing a desire to women in general and not realizing that this desire is not direct self-expression, thus manifesting separation within from real expression HERE in the physical, and thus allowing the tendency to objectify women based on the SUBJECT of my desire, a hope for fulfilling it with a woman or women in general.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the inflation of suppressed sexual and other desires towards women which by manifesting my behavior not being direct and honest with myself or with women in general, because always categorizing, rating, defining, measuring, comparing them and based on that behaving in relation to or with them.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity to treat women as beings nothing special and thus being able to see the person, not the projection I created within my mind and thus not being mesmerized by looks and expectations, and therefore limiting my expression based on a desire I suppress and want to live out, based on qualities I do not find ways to express myself alone and defined myself being dependent on women in order to being able to live those qualities I lack or defined myself lacking.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I define dancing, when its not trance dance to be about mating and partnering, hooking up, because people touch, hold hands or hug, therefore being triggered by sexual desires and thinking and thus categorizing as something what it is not.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to remain casual, confident and actually being able to enjoy presence, party and self-expression when about to talk with partner prospect(s) as allowing worry as defining high stakes here, instead of being myself, expressing myself, trusting myself and to see who with I connect naturally, mutually and allowing this whole partner thing to be just as every day, normal expression, as anything else.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become obsessed with picture presentations of people, ladies and myself as well and defining it to be the highest value, meanwhile de-prioritizing everything else, thus limiting my perception, because believing the visual to be the most value, because that is what everyone can see, define and value by, and not admitting that wanting to compensate a doubt by this value, which is completely subjective and inflated.
  • I forgive myself that I have defined myself that my type is the thin and tall and all other else are inferior in terms of subject of my partner prospect desire, just because I defined that to be the most attractive to me, therefore that definition is who I am and I must be honest to me when admitting it, just because when I had that type of girlfriend, I was extensively able to enjoy that kind of visual and body type, and wanting to be stimulated the same way again.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that at this moment almost all of my partnership did not end well, and certainly ended, therefore anything I remember and want to re-do or recollect might not be the best, or at least does not make sense to exclude anything else based on the thought pattern of ‘if I chose this in the past, I must like that only and must choose the same in the future too’ – instead of letting go the categories at all and to see what works in the moment and when seeing energy reaction to visuals, categorization or value – to apply self-forgiveness and step out from the self-stimulation based on value and in fact doubt and fear.

DSC_0437Self-forgiveness assists to walk through patterns I was not directly aware of before – or even if I was – by writing down, I open myself up and see – what this opens up further.

SOUNDING these Self-forgiveness sentences assist by directly seeing and adjusting what I miss between those lines and gives the ability to see what I react to based on that and to refine, to specify and expand with to cover the points I was not aware of this much before. Especially about the consequences I manifest and the responsibility I have, along with the actual opportunity to change by prevention, by redefinition and a more aware self-expression.

So, this is it for now, enough to see those patterns before manifesting to keep revealing the patterns, and closing this with some self-commitments and self-corrective preparatory statements.

I commit myself to expose any original negative experiences in relation to myself which would cause me to strive towards seek out positive affirmations with others, creating attraction, desire and value based on automatically triggered, preconditioned polarity categorization, so then I can see the patterns before participating, bring myself here, keep myself at presence, at center, as a whole to see what’s of the energy mind, what’s real and support self-expression directly.

I commit myself to stop judging people based on their looks, trust myself with the empty mind, have a feel, have an experience, have a direct living and to see what works what not and not to automatically fall into the polarity of good and bad, nice or ugly, as realizing – those were conditioned into my mind, and if I am slave of those, I am less than who I accept myself to be as puppet of what I see.

I commit myself to stop defining music based on how simple or popular it is, rather to see if I enjoy it or not, if anything is brought up from my mind with the music, it is not the music itself what is not cool, but I have a point to work with within self-honesty to forgive and let go.

I commit myself to stop falling into energetic mind experiences by not realizing the physical presence, consistency and factual truth here, and believing that what I experience is more relevant than what is here, thus justifying why I do not need to always consider what’s here – so

I commit myself to direct myself to explore my limits with feeling and being in and as the physical and keep expanding with those limits with living self-forgiveness in all moments equally.

I commit myself to communicate with myself to agree with points I am not clear within and falling into thinking mind patterns to help me to tell me who I supposed to be in relation to those, so in those situations, I stop, I breathe and I see what I direct myself to live as and then trusting myself – and if not the best for all participants, including me, I stop again and re-align, re-decide and start living that – always in clarity.

When and as I fall into the thinking mind about who is good or bad for me as partner, I stop and realize that I have no idea, only having memories and judgments, and until I did not try, live and experience, I literally can’t know.

When and as I am losing presence, especially at a directly physically active situation, such as dancing, starting to feel emotions, feelings, such as strange, awkward, inferior or confused, I realize, because of the mind-thought-pattern I was just participating in, thus I snap out of it, I breathe, I move myself and let it go and focus to what’s here.

When and as I see patterns reoccuring in regaring to relaxing, party, dance or social events, I apply self-forgiveness, I write down, I walk through the mind-constructs, establishing physical timeline to reveal the specific self-dishonesty patterns and support myself with preventing self-forgiveness, self-correction and self-commitment statements.

Please, check out the redesigned EQAFE website, there is so much support, wisdom and practical change guidance shared there, it’s one of a kind in this world!



Day 379 – Discipline continued – specificity

P1020210Continuing on Discipline word specificity

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am approaching, dealing with and using WORDS with emotional energetic reaction charge without being aware of it’s origin, influence and consequence and within that also not seeing the importance of the investigation, stopping, re-alignment and change I require to directly LIVE words.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the DESIRE for discipline I invest into is the GIVING UP of direct self-trust and accumulate gambling by trusting constructs in my mind to make me feel, experience and do things, because I am unable to consistently remain within direct self-expression without polarity of my mind, of good and bad of self-interest, due to fear and hope.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that fear is self-interest, thus indication of abandonement of really living within self-honesty, and thus, it’s a great support to reflect back on what is the specificity creating this type of self-dishonesty.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the doubt and self-judgement I create is through the accumulative effect via lack of consistency being here and really wanting to become consistent, yet not laying down the necessary plan, structure and actual effort to manifest that change, every day, no excuse, no justification.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I accept a ‘day off’ from everything, meaning all the work and job, commitment and discipline, I undermine the process of consistency, which, if I look at it, without energy of my mind feelings and emotions, finding it to be a problem and within that acceptance of that problem creating inner friction, with then I have to deal with, putting extra effort to avoidable things.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity of specificity in relation to discipline to describe of what I lack, judge or resist and why, within asking WHY, to see why I ask that why and thus understanding myself, my reality and the solution as well.
  • I forgive myself that I have not admitted the followings I lack within my daily living in regarding to discipline:
    • breathing presence inconsistency due to fall into certain thinking patterns of doubt and worry
    • existential doubt due to financial instability and lack of structured plan execution
    • lack of communication with myself in regarding to partnership, sexuality and intimacy
    • intermittent motivation and progress level about my short-, mid- and long-term commitments, projects
    • temptation of move or not move towards the experiences giving me the least resistance and difficulty
    • complete and throughout level of disregard towards proper structure applied within specific areas of my daily living to support self-introspection, self-discipline, self-forgiveness and self-correction
    • not sharing ‘enough’ of process, as walking, as opening, as explaining – as seeing the potential, yet not stepping into it yet for a reason I did not yet specify

These might seem different topics, but in a way, they are the same – and as I am walking through these pillars, each will support me in standing up within all others, thus creating a halo of awareness taking over from consciousness system towards life awareness.

Based on these openings, what is obvious is that the most practical way is the direct way – for instance with breathing presence discipline – the obvious support is to focus on regular exercises, every day, at the same time – work on the breathing, presence, direct awareness here – no excuse, no distraction, no giving up.
And if points come up – write them down, walk the necessary self-forgiveness, self-commitment and re-align. Rinse and repeat – until I am comfortable here, with myself, unconditionally.

In a way – this is RESTART of Process – Back to Basics(link: EQAFE).

Every day is a new life, this is my Day one – and in a way, all will be until I stand as Life.

The challenge, which I know already, is that the more I am able to discipline myself to ‘become here’ – as it seems as QUIETING my mind, the more points and issues I will start to experience – all the patterns I was able to distract myself from with the daily bullshit self-dishonesty, which prevented me to see the real and relevant points, what I kept giving up about.
It’s like opening the wardrobe and all the things I stuffed in starts to fall out. I used to believe that intensity is key for breakthrough, but the danger in that is that then I work with massive mind-energy accumulations – and they are up and then down, thus I am exposed to that influence, challenging consistency, structured walk of discipline. Not saying it can’t be ‘revelation’, but in general, it’s less valuable as it feels at those intense moments.

Thus, it’s to clarify: there is NOTHING in existence we can escape from – only prolonging the process, thus this is also a DISCIPLINE – to stop and face all them here, in this life.

Every tiny details, of each of self-lie, self-deny, self-suppression, self-delusion or self-interest – our mind and beingness remembers, will support to realize and understand – if we are ready and honest to be able to STOP.

To be honest(pun intended) the capabilities I have became aware of I am able to do with my mind and discipline, more than 15 years ago, by time resulted myself become bully and in a way aggressive towards myself, because by knowing the potentials, yet not living up to those – that is really tough if not dealt with and stopped – and rather focusing to actual change, instead getting lost in the reaction energy vortex.

From Mr Robot TV series, a quote: “When you truly hate yourself, that’s power” – the art of total self-destruction, just you never go down alone with that, but dragging many others too – enraging further within the unnecessary and vicious cycle of self-interest.

That’s why many will ride all of those death-cults until their end: all religions, spirituality – they want to be exonerate from their own existence of manifested consequences, while all they have to do is to truly find self-forgiveness within the action of specificity.

What is an excuse coming up is that it is very thin line to walk on to allow ‘natural learning ability‘ without overthinking versus applying structured self-correction tools – so it’s like I have a thousand computers within me and they all run some sort of program and each has their own specific firewall/defense system, even if they are obviously questionable or even just bad – and to get in, stop those flawed programs, I need to understand the code already running in them, understanding the protection to get through it – and once stopping one – I need to create new code, but one which does not limit me, can grow itself with my presence and alignment of principle for all life equally. That’s why Self-forgiveness is awareness – I become aware of the patterns, the consequences, what I accepted already – so when I am about to do it next time, I remember, I take responsibility, and I prevent myself falling into it again. But for that I need to understand, specifically, good intention is merely nothing here.

It is literally scary to shut down those apparently important life support mind-computer systems of self-definition, self-justification, self-identification programs, but the more I investigate those, the more I see that they allow me to get by, but not truly LIVE.

Many brag about the magical and wonderful consciousness, which seems endless – it isn’t – I am able to see it’s limits, it’s end and it’s flaws – everyone should! –  but what allows consciousness to exist, what is beyond it, what is behind and within all is what we all believed to be justifiable to be separated from – the responsibility for all life equally.

That responsibility and alignment with is going to support to all to find back our ways from systematic limitation towards awareness of infinite life.

It’s easy to stray away – towards energy, towards possession or obsession due to the tendency of volatile sensitivity for energetic reactions in the mind, through the human physical body – thus genuine and reliable support is crucial to find compass and anchor within the process of self-realization.

That is why I committed my life to align with and participate within Desteni community, Desteni I Process online courses, as it is invaluable to find the right path within self-honesty.

Many did walk away from this process as it leads to the very core of our creation, which is challenging, for some it was too much, some got personal, some did fall into some excuse, not applying the simple tools for self-liberation in order to justify why they are right, better or should feel hurt, just because did not establish the proper DISCIPLINE within walking the Process of Self-honesty in every day consistency.

It does not matter what process one walks, if it’s different, has other structure or approach – but eventually everyone has to realize that the only way is through purifying our mind with decomposing, un-learning and re-defining how we live words in accordance of all participant of life equally.

And within that to realize – if one has resistance, judgement, opposition to the word ‘equality’ – it is a construct, there are things behind this pattern, and can lead to much more direct self-liberation. Worth exploring!

To be continued. . .

Day 378 – Discipline specificity

P1020203I find myself time-looping about a specific point, so it should be on the table.

I repeatedly observe the fact that I lack discipline, so I should focus on working on it.
So I wake up, today as well – and deciding – today’s word is Discipline. I should develop more discipline.
And then the day passes. Next day – I still pick this word, as not much specific I ‘dsciplined’ enough yet.

Thus realizing – the specificity is missing – if I look at my life, almost 4 decade of memories, experiences, realizations and mistakes I have available to review already, I actually see that there is nothing wrong with my abilities to be able to manifest unchallenged discipline. This is not about bragging, as I have proven to myself various times that I can do what I decide to do, if I really want it – so the first flag point is MOTIVATION.

Am I motivated to discipline myself? If yes – then I go through anything – I remember, once I was sitting for days only watching the candle burn, because wanted to prove a point to myself about my mind and experiences – and it was actually very supportive, but only later put the puzzles together, because I was able to recreate experiences(not much more than an effect, but did not realize that back then) of high dosage LSD without using the substance with discipline and in that time my life was really simple – just put EVERYTHING to what I decide to do and no looking back, no regret, I did not own anything, I was nothing. Or at least felt like or wanted to be.

My relationship with that particular ME from that times today is certainly not only memory-based, however I must admit that I today simply lack a quality I was more naturally living back then, and that is my kind of romantic flash-back to an aspect of myself which I miss.

This very specific WILL I was onto or rather into however was proven to be energy-based mind-possession and thus was temporally.

However, it showed a potential, an unbreakable decision, which is with me now as lived it and ths seeing the value within it to bring it to a more aware, self-expression-type of ability to birth.

I start the investigation by seeing what topics I am very confident about to do.

When have to find the best item for my purposes, to make the most practical decision.
Needing to buy a camera, a phone, a car, a music instrument. I check all relevant information, to support my decision until there is no doubt, only clarity and then going for it. Even if the buy later proves to be not completely satisfying the initial ‘requirements’ – my clarity remains impeccable, because I know that I did all I could.

This is a word I find important, thus repeating here, marking as second flag point: IMPECCABLE.

(All flag point words will be further investigated separately to support this ‘walking the mind’)

At this point did an introductory VLOG about this point…


Closing this post with some Self-forgiveness specificity awareness points

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as having extraordinary ability for discipline and justifying not being disciplined at situations where I obviously should by saying to myself ‘if I really would want to be disciplined, I would, so no worries’ and within that not realizing that the situation within I accept and allow this is specific and I am not honest about it, and actually giving up to a resistance I do not want to walk through for another specific reason I am not allowing myself to be honest about.
  • I commit myself to stop defining myself to be someone with extraordinary discipline as realizing I only define myself to justify not being disciplined, and instead of focusing to real, tangible situations wherein I can practically re-define, plan and prepare myself to the potential of LIVING DISCIPLINE.

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Day 376 – Doubt and growth

P1010317Today’s menu:

Need to be absolutely sure – doubt within starting point, details of behavior.
Fear of being resisted, challenged, dominated – inferiority, fear of loss, fear of fear.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed to be honest with myself that the conviction of ‘need to be absolutely sure’ to do something is in it’s core is doubt, because I do not trust MYSELF HERE UNCONDITIONALLY, but the relationship, the point about to want to be sure, the conviction I want to be perfect to support my certainty and within that not realizing that I focus to perfect something based on a self-dishonest premise, which is not real to overcome a manifested behavior here, which is real: my acted out doubt in relation to myself, action and self-trust.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that to not move, initiate, start, live with the conviction of need to be absolutely sure first is self-sabotage, because I do not allow actual, physical and living space and time to find my ground, self-trust within living trial, but first want to model, virtualize, imagine and think it through in a way what satisfies and overcomes my originally self-accepted existence of doubt, and within that wanting to use this model and practise to break through the starting point of: fear of failure, fear of making mistake, fear of manifesting irreversible consequences.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only way I can really learn and expand is to live, to try, to make mistakes and fail, so then in real time I can start understanding cause and effect, how reality works based on common sense, practicality and accumulation.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the tendency to doubt, to stutter, to even petrify myself for apparently tiny moments during my day is accepted as normal to the degree of not even being aware of and thus missing opportunities, moments of expression, expansion and thus growth, based on the convictions of I first must be sure, convinced, justified and reasoned with to do something and within that not seeing/realizing and understanding that the very model and starting point of such logical thinking is flawed with doubt, fear of mistake and experiences, memories, automatic judgments and feelings/emotions, based on my past, wherein not allowing to step beyond of those patterns, thus not really expanding, trying new, but always repeating the same cycles in the hope of this time will break through, while the common sense is to first reveal, decompose, forgive and let go all those patterns and see with virgin eye, act with direct movement and to not rely on my past, of what I am not absolutely sure about, and even if so, to re-question if it’s really-really trustworthy to the degree of putting all my life on it and being able to risk not to grow if this is false/self-dishonest.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to change my obsession to be sure and certain, right and eliminating doubt means that I must do express perfection and then becoming obsessed with finding the possibly best approach and wanting, expecting to do that without consideration of where I am currently, my current status, location, opportunities and options, from which I actually can start to consider, structure and plan an actual process of progress and manifestation of the wished outcome and for that to be able to remain consistent within this process without relying on manipulating and stimulating myself in relation to doubt and confidence emotions/feelings, but only focusing on what’s real in and as the physical realm, measurable, obvious.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that to consider my doubt as a point to deal with or overcome based on feelings and emotions, thoughts and reasoning is not self-honest, thus accepting self-limitation, as I do accept the starting point of doubt and want to accept it to exist within the equation in a way that without it, the whole process of planned or actual progress becomes inconsistent, unpredictable or even sabotaged.

For instance a pattern: frustration – if there is no frustration, I do not push to get through a resistance, a limitation, let it be inner, such as worry, excuses, justifications – or external, such as not having enough time, skill, money or power to do something – and within that deliberately boosting my want to overcome that by annoyance and frustration to the point of no matter what, need to get through that – but once I do that, the very motivation to keep moving, directing, expanding becomes un-fueled as the frustration itself was the energy to move, and then finding myself not moving anymore, until again facing another or even the same type of source of frustration.

It’s similar to addiction – for instance to drugs(or sex or alcohol or buying) – one uses it to distract or escape from an experience, related to what’s present within one’s life – and thus the action one does in relation or with/based on/under of the subject of the addiction – and the initial experience fades, one feels great – and moves on – but then the same, unresolved, ran away/distracted from experience, situation returns, and one has a choice: do the same as before, which seemed maybe easier: to repeat the distraction, entertainment, or even self-destruction(getting wasted).

In this sense, people do not realize their addiction to their mind-cycles, and all the automatic compromises they accept and allow for having the ‘balanced and in control self’ – while it’s all self-created self-dishonest self-delusion.

And then people can get to the point of all day want to be high/drunk/etc – for admittedly to avoid to face their responsibility, in reality, what awaits them to deal with, walk through, solve, stand up to – or they just want to have regular boosts to ‘refill’ their ‘don’t feel bad too strongly’ shield. Either way, everything we do or don’t do – accumulate.
Just as our decision-making, and thus personality. As from the starting point one relies to the decisions, consequences and then how judged them in terms of their priority of interest(feeling good, being right for self or others too), thus behavior, habits, personality patterns form, crystallize and automatize.
Of course, most of the justifications are around the points of self-dishonesties, but within the context of making those decisions, ‘logical process’ – they seem totally reasonable, because one acted upon those already, many times.

“Don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it”

But usually people do.

I rather not generalize, but I can recognize this pattern within myself – thus it’s my responsibility to decompose, forgive for accepting and allowing and to see the specific trigger points, thus when next time about to manifest, I can see the predictable outcome if I don’t stop/change based on acknowledging what I already accepted and allowed – and thus to really stop and change.

And if anyone else recognizes this pattern within themselves, this might be an example or encouragement of why or how to support oneself to stop and change patterns within one’s behavior to expand, grow and live.

In this – I recognize that doubt-based resistances to break through with accumulating frustration is not supporting consistent expansion and creation, movement and direction, because as long as emotion/reaction-based energy is part of the equation, I am subjected to, dependent on, compromised by that relationship to that specific word-based trigger point, what should be identified honestly and understand within absolute specificity. So better to have decision, direction, commitment and principle and focus on manifesting clarity with self-communication, self-honesty and practical understanding.

Such as my point of decomposing, forgiving and letting go defining enjoyment within perfection only. Meaning perfection not with and as self as self-honesty, but trying to perfect the experience and the judgement of the relationships I form with things/people. That’s a trap. Just as naming it as inspiration for instance.

A tiny example: I re-started to learn Spanish guitar play – starting with basic techniques, such as ‘andalusian cadence’ – and it progresses alright as practicing every day a little. I am aware of what I want to do, be able to do, so it’s obvious what to do and kind of how.

And then last night found a player on youtube, who plays devilishly great – in my judgement – Tom Ward, playing Liszt Ferenc Hungarian Rhapsody 2 with ‘perfection’ in technique, effortlessness and passion – and I was like – this is the level I desire to reach – and the whole expression of his is very personal and unique and specific – the desire was within this perceived perfection. And I was immediately distracted with this desire, and from that point, my basic practices seemed soooooo far from where he is already at – and I defined this as inspiration – although it’s – if using it to my own process – distraction from the original experience of frustration accumulating during practicing a new thing.

I had lot of judgments before about this, such as ‘it’s useless skill, it’s just self-interest’, why not learn economy, or something to make more money with, or doing something for others, or creating something what helps solving problems in the world.

And then what I reasoned with is that no matter what I do, I always face myself within it, thus to expand, does not matter what it is, but the self-honesty within that process is what matters. Well, obviously in the context of equality and principle of do onto others what I would like to receive, based on the fact that this existence is a closed system, thus what goes around, comes around, even if not seeing the patterns due to complexity.

So what I concluded with was that I do the things I must do, and prioritize, and based on that it looks like doing this for some minutes per day is fine and I can learn and apply a lot of points I have already realized within walking Process, and also discover – and then share new, emerging points as well.

Also what is being revealed is that am I using learning guitar to distract myself from something else, with experiences, enthusiasm feelings, frustrations, resistances and walkthrough…

As for me – mountain climbing, when about to climb the Everest, even by risking my and others life – seems absolutely dumb, no doubt – and when I say that I can understand why people would want to acclaim that – what I really say is that – my justification self accepts and respects their justification self.

Of course, I do not want to be judged, so I shall not judge others either – which is also self-dishonest, based on having the starting point of an initial judgement, of ‘not to be judged by me doing this or that’, because I actually and already judge myself about it.

It’s tricky – and one would even consider that this whole article seems crazy and kind of insane – except that as I write it, as I see these to unfold in front of me – I breathe, I see, and I realize points to understand and if necessary: change and stop.

To just finish the example point about guitar – since years I have this aim/goal to play certain type of music with guitar, yet always starting, then stopping, then later re-starting, then stopping again – so it’s not consistent. And my justification was that ‘it’s not priority’ – and certainly it is not, it’s rather a hobby, a way to relax and enjoy.
And to recognize that, that it’s alright to not take this seriously can also come from self-communication and self-agreement. In this reflection – what I worded – effortlessness, passion, precise technique – and voila – it’s already much more tangible, doable – to focus on teaching myself – or unlearning patterns to allow myself to grow like that…In this sense, it’s not just about what I need to do, but also undo – as natural learning ability is the greatest.

IF – there is no self-dishonest justification and energetic mind accumulation in-between self and living. But if there is, then that is self-dishonesty and I want or not, if I accept this pattern within this ‘not priority’ aspect of myself, I might accept and live out within other, ‘priority’ aspect of myself too, thus discipline and principled living is suggested within all aspects of self.

As an excuse can be easily accepted by – this is not important – this moment is less relevant, now I can accept some little white lie, while in more important moments I can play the holy man – and voila – we are at the spiritual religious self-fuckery state, where one separates things, experiences, oneself based on ways to justify self-interest.

Meanwhile, in reality, all moments, breathe in and out, opportunity to be self-honest here in and as the physical body, in and as the physical reality – all are equal. No more holy, divine moments, people or actions – obviously, sometimes one has to have more attention, like while driving, but this type of justification can lead to some serious self-dishonesty.

Such as – I do not have to be self-honest while just killing all those pests, animals in my house – as now I can just kill the mofos with rigid ruthlessness, instead of considering why they are here, what I did what lead this to happen, can I see the bigger picture, is there any way to deal with this.

Or typical – to allow crazy, even abusive thoughts to run around – smile at someone while thinking that ‘what an a$$h0le’ – as believing that what I think is less holy than what I actually do: smiling as that is good, but while in fact having this resentment.

That’s why there is no middleground with self-honesty – and it is extremely difficult to never fall – but in the same way it’s very simple to allow myself to be intimate with myself to really see – am I dishonest, even just a little bit about anything or not.

This I wanted to pronounce about my starting point of doubt and worry to do something if not perfect, because the only way to really learn and grow, to expand is by mistakes – and in theory I can be master of myself, my mind, but if I do not even move I will not see what I still miss, thus not taken into consideration to actual, practical, real understanding, thus will not be able to change.

Each moments are equal, so if I am really good to not fall into a self-dishonest pattern in the day’s 99.99%, but in the remaining 0.01%, certainly and always – then the judgment of ‘mostly I am great’ does not mean much if there is always a cyclic point of ‘then always falling into this inevitably’, as it just restarts the cycle of not changing, and thus need to broaden the understanding the whole multidimensional dynamics of my participation and experiences, reactions and thoughts/feelings/emotions in that particular physical timeline.

That’s where Desteni I Process Pro online course is the greatest assistance by the Mind Constructs technique – to write down the actual timeline of what happened, also adding what I experienced, thought, all the patterns, building blocks of my participation and correlate to reality, within self-honesty – so then I clearly can discover all the patterns I live by, so then there can no remain any justification or excuse, because all is in front of me, thus can assist and support myself with change.

And that is what the greatest potential and power in existence, really – as we can accept ourselves as flawed, tainted, scarred, limited and handicapped – or we learn and grow out of those, one by one – with support, assistance and actual enjoyment of self-liberation, which undoubtedly accumulates to all existence as the whole is nothing but all it’s parts together.

Day 364 – Resisting conflict construct

IMG_0987I am working on a Mind Construct which relates to conflict. My previous strategy was avoiding conflicts, because I had the belief and the perception that I am not good within solving them, not, because I believed that I do not understand the problem well, but it seemed that my problem is that I can’t share and communicate with the other(s) what’s right, and thus I had the tendency to not even try or simply avoid these situations.

This carries quite some points what should be reviewed in the principle of absolute self-honesty, which I am going to walk through briefly. I am still walking these points within the Mind Construct, so here I only share my understandings I became aware of thus far.

Walking a Mind Construct is a unique technique what Desteni I Process Pro online course entails to learn, an immensely great self-supporting tool to expose self-delusions and self-limitations in order to assist and support ourselves and each other to be able to stop participating within various types of self-dishonesty.

First of all, there is an obvious righteousness within that statement: ‘I can’t share and communicate with the other(s) what’s right’ – and it might be the situation, but to always start like this, no matter what conflict I face, it’s overconfident, and if I really investigate points, I simply am not right, but as I do not face the so perceived conflict, I do not confront my perception with others, I might just never know what’s the truth(facts).
So in order to protect my idea of ‘I am right’ – I can simply avoid confronting anyone who would oppose of that of my particular statement for instance. Avoidance big time.

Secondly, because I believe that I am not able to communicate my points properly, in particular with those who I believe to be much more efficient within communication and argument, I define myself as inferior within sharing and persuading. And if I really want to nitpick, the word ‘persuasion’ – it’s not about finding out and sharing facts, but persuading others of what I want them to perceive. That’s another point to consider.

My belief that I am not good with talking within opposing opinions comes from the memory and fear of someone being emotional near, with, against me, because of the memories of my childhood primarily, where adults were often angry at each other and really behaving nasty and argue and fight with each other and that I never liked, and as a child, could not really come out with a real good solution/support within those situations, but best seemed to avoid, be distracted, or if not possible, suppress the reactions.

Thus, the belief that I can’t do anything about emotions, emotional people, and then allowing myself being influenced to become emotional, I guess I did not even try anymore, or what I concluded or convinced myself to do was mostly distraction, avoidance and suppression.

Even now, when my communication skills have developed a lot since my childhood, at times when I am not aware of that I am becoming angry or frustrated, I am losing the ability to remain effective, to consider common sense, as I guess, many other fellow humans can relate with this, and I always hated this, because for me effectiveness and always being able to calculate options is very important.

Therefore, anything obviously causing to compromise the almost ‘cold’-like calculation within a situation, I simply disregard focusing to, which is, less nicely put: ‘don’t give a shit about it’ – if I can. If I can’t then I am in big trouble and often can overcomplicate or overreact.

Emotions are not bad – must admit – but if I allow those to control and take over me when I should consider facts only – then I am compromised and no matter what, everyone is always responsible for their actions, even when their mind is clouded. Thus I’d prefer not to be clouded.

This does not mean I can not enjoy, share or care, when it is an expression, directly, and not an energetic experience only, but an ACTION, then I live the words, not being defined by self-dishonesty-based influenced through my accepted and allowed relationship I exist in relation to words.

The solution is not that difficult – in written words – just be able to recognize a pattern, apply in real time the practical prevention and then to live the purified and re-defined version of the words.


So whenever I am being influenced with emotions and becoming reactive, energetic experiences ‘lubricate’ and speed up my mind and my reaction time is more immediate – when considering consequences and best options less and less, but automacically acting out a pattern, which I already realized within self-honest assesment and diary that it’s not tbe best to do, and I am not honest with myself absolutely, then once I recognize the pattern, I can PREVENT myself indulging within such automatic reaction.

Within this example I share here today – communication, conflict – I recognize, I should remain present, directive, not get reactive, and to see – in the past, yes, I was not that effective within sharing my point, what I see as relevant, but today, if I focus to what I want to say, to the other participant, to my physical body, breathing, environment, — then I can express myself, use words, enjoy sounding the voice of the words and not be influenced by the fear of not being able to talk.
Especially, because, in fact not being able to express myself properly is due to the overwhelming reactions, but if I stop the domino to fall into that reaction, I can stop the whole pattern to act out.

It’s quite empowering. And within the communication, sharing the point with other(s), expanding with response-ability: I might find out that I was actually wrong – thus I correct the potential righteousness as well – which, if I would not communicate and share, receive and hear, I might not even realize, but would remain in the perception of I am right, while not actually.

So, in short, this is a typical pattern what can lie behind in a two sentence scenario, what is worth to decompose and correct.

Self-forgiveness is practical step for taking action and responsibility, because

  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to fall into emotional reaction automatically, even I have already proven to myself that it’s not the best and honest way
  • and also forgiving myself for believing that I can’t express and share myself, because as happened in the past, defined myself as such, and thus re-creating myself again and again like that, thus locking myself into this self-definition.

Giving myself an opportunity to recognize that fear from emotions, conflict is fear from making the same mistakes I did before, and also giving myself the chance to STOP this pattern this time and explore what I can do to change.

This is the best tool to deal with any kind of limitation anyone faces in this world, and if being resisted, having excuse of why it is not your type of activity, way of dealing with shit, it is worth considering the fact that the very resistance you experience is also just a type of pattern what can be decomposed and transcended with the mind construct.

Also to apply self-corrective statements – it’s like creating a thin but firm structure to re-align, like a blueprint or screenplay for a scenario, where I should be able to support myself with re-creation, until I can stand in real time to apply the prevention, stopping, changing, expanding.

  • When and as I find myself within a conflict with someone, I make sure that I do not get emotional, do not get personal, I focus to remain stable, effective within communication and share my point – and hear the other and let us find out facts and solution.

We all are operating with words, our mind computer has the operating system programmed by our language, by our definitions, associations, and some of those are correct, aligned with facts, and some are influenced by fear, worry, delusion or desire.

Aligning ourselves to facts is not a nice thing, because many truth hurts, but that’s the way towards empowering ourselves to be able to really understand problems to be able to take responsibility for and finding practical solutions.

Equally so within our mind, our personal life and the interpersonal, universal world as well. As above, so below, as within, so without – it’s always a joy to share a pun and end it with fun!

Day 358 – Smart Contract with Self


I am learning about Smart Contracts.

It’s something what is emerging and slowly but surely taking over the old-school contracting and business models in the world system.
It relates to crypto-currency but the idea is originating from the automatizing the if-then conditions, which become pre-determined, so then contracts and agreements can be able to ‘run by themselves’ without a third party.

Within the current mainstream system, lawyers, governments, banks do this third party role, but as Smart Contracts spread and become more and more popular, I take the opportunity to reflect this phenomenon and pattern BACK TO SELF.

For me as I am reading about this, it immediately reminds to Agreements. Those, who walk the Journey to Life process is more obvious what Agreement I mean here – the Journey to Life is just a cool label for structured, consistent and supported self-introspection, self-honesty, self-change course(I’d even call it as a lifestyle as if it’s done really, then Self-honesty permeates and manifests within self so profoundly, that one’s perception becomes much more self-and all life-aware).

So Agreement is when two or more stand together and agree on things in specific details on what they accept and what they don’t, preferably absolutely openly, directly and with the starting point of Self-honesty and the principle of “Give as you would like to receive”.

My analogy comes like this:

Within current world system, when two parties want a contract, they involve a third party, what they both accept as authority and they agree with each other but eventually they both go through/to that third party. Often both contractor has their own lawyers/representatives, who then go to one step further to a common authority to validate and keep the contract, handles when someone fails to deliver/keep what they promises, etc.

Within Smart Contract – there is no third party – there is a system still, which is basically a computer program, into both parties add their own conditions – let’s say A rents a flat, B lends it.
A puts in the money, excepts the digital keys for the flat – B puts in the digital keys for the flat, expects the money.

Smart contract activates only if the conditions are met – if not, then A doesn’t get the keys for the flat, B doesn’t get the money.

For this to work, they have to be very specific for all conditions to pre-exist for the Smart Contract to be able to be – well: smart.

It’s not yet perfect system, there could be conditions what might both parties can’t foresee/decide/control, what are required the smart contract to exist, but the good thing is that this system can and will expand, evolve and grow. With A.I. and new kind of currency systems, it’s quite inevitable.
Advantage is that it’s more fast, direct and obvious. And transparent. As no actual lawyer is involved, it requires less money(energy), etc.

When people apply Principled living within Agreement – we can say that the third party is the Mind, what can be excluded – no emotions, no extra energy, doubt, fear, worry or hope, desire is involved, but the participants focus to involve facts, reality-based conditions, a more immediate and direct way to be response-able, to communicate, to co-exist. Sounds smart indeed.

Usually, and I’d say this is the obsolete way, when a couple goes by emotion, love, which is just happening, optimally mutually, then they marry, procreate, etc and then hopefully the emotion and love remains (on the positive level), and if not, they end up living with someone they do not like anymore or people can also divorce but still ain’t no fun. Also the consequence and conflict they expose their family, friends, children to – quite a mess. Meanwhile all kinds of stuff they experience through their mind – conflict, uncertainty, frustration, anger, fear, jealousy, desire, hope, etc.

It might be seen quite cold, but I would approach all kinds of human interactions with Agreement, or be more blunt: Contract, as I am starting to LIVE with myself within establishing (p)re-defined word-based Agreement, I am becoming more stable and reliable, obvious and structured. Without becoming burned out or bitter, given up – I trust myself and if I not, I investigate and re-align with accumulative application of self-honesty, self-forgiveness, self-direction.

I don’t say love is bad or delusion – I could – but it also can be re-defined to live it according to what’s best for all – in reality, then it’s not subjected to my own interest. And if I really commit myself to find out what would be the best to do in my current life-situation, considering not only myself, my family, friends, country, etc – but all life equally – then I end up realizing that emotions might seem quite dramatic, but once I am able to stop the addiction to rely to those, to constantly seek and re-create emotional ups and downs – I can become much more consistent, reliable and trustworthy – for myself and others. And still – I can love, hug, like, enjoy, share and care – see – ACTION and experience does not necessarily mean emotions. Very specific and relevant to differentiate, requires quite some self-honesty and somewhat enough amount of active and self-directive investigation and introspection.

I used to believe that more structure, planning and consideration means less freedom, but I was wrong. Actually creative spontaneity and freedom can work much more consistently and reliably within structure and planning. I know. Sounds incredible!

If I agree with myself that when I start to fall apart and go into doubt, despair, anxiety and fear, then I stop, I re-align, I face the fear and I understand, forgive and re-define – I can actually skip the drama. I do not need to involve my emotional, unstable mind part if I do not want – and after realizing what I was missing, when I made mistakes, I can update, extend the Self-agreement.

It’s pretty cool actually – and if someone would worry about missing the love or emotions, feelings as then those are being avoided, excluded – I’d say cool things still can be enjoyed, shared, experienced, but why to accept dishonesty, disrespect or even abuse? Real Love should not be conditional, otherwise it’s not Real, right? Or is it something what comes and goes? Or shall I say – I still love, who I disregard? Sounds like a lie.

It’s so easy to scratch the surface of people’s stability, peace or happiness – and when conditions change, people and their relationships can fall apart so easily that it’s kind of scary to realize that the glue what makes people stick together sometimes work, for some people it’s great, for others it’s catastrophic.

The point what comes up within me about this is TRUST – within myself, when I ‘fell’ into love, my trust was much stronger than my common sense, and I relied to that – trusting into me that trusting to the feeling about the person that this will be awesome.
And when my trust in that person did not work out – which was actually trusting the feeling primarily – then I am here to question my own trust – about the feeling, the other person and myself.

Well, I have realized that to not rely on feelings but earn trust with time and actions is the way long time ago but in real life it seems to be more difficult to manifest this.

First of all if I have not yet established a working, living, and actually enjoyable relationship and agreement with myself, then obviously becomes very difficult to expand it to work with another being.

If I would have a tendency, a habit what does not support me – I don’t know, an example: all day watching TV series, playing computer game, eating ice cream, smoking dope, masturbating, keeping the car/flat too clean, chasing ladies, likes, etc – not saying these would be bad, but if I overdo, meanwhile based on common sense I could have something better and supportive to do, or existing to accept a problem I keep suppressing, escaping from – then that tendency, habit I need to address, I need to break it and stop participating, creating space and time within me to be able to explore what I could do instead of re-creating the same distraction from myself. The more I accept not standing up to the seemingly small things – they accumulate and will control me – but if I start accumulating understanding, stopping, changing – that will manifest. This also can be based on Self-agreement. Same can be applied within an existing relationship with others – partner, wife, family, children – to see what is not the possibly best and then to see what could be better.

It sounds literally quite disillusioning to live relationship, partnership, love with literally agreeing on everything and then to expect those to be kept, but if I really look at it, with ‘love’ it is exactly what’s happening: Both ‘have’ love and expect the other to have towards the other. And Love should be about actual and real care, support and responsibility, so then feelings might seem like quite a ride, but might not be that important. Especially if I rely to Live Real Love based on how I feel today – does not sound too reliable.

I mean, within living principled life, one can still surely experience good moments, awesome, exceptional level of enjoyment, but what it would tell about us, humans if we could not do that with responsible, planning and considerate way, only by our mind’s orchestration as third party between us, participants?

Actually as we both would have mind in-between each other and ourselves, it’s much more complicated, especially if one really investigates how consciousness and mind, personalities, emotions and feelings work.
That affection, desire, devotion and hope are also by-product of our imprinting, culture, thoughts, feelings and emotions of the mind.
And at the same time, dislike, distrust, anger and hate are also created similarly.

A lot of components of the mind we constitute by are self-dishonest manifestations, such as projection, blame, jealousy, greed, hope, fear – what can easily feed to manifest a ride of roller-coaster of positive feelings and negative emotions to go from heaven to hell and as it’s not being taught in school, people are vulnerable, exposed and totally subjected to these.

That’s why I vote for establishing Agreement. Self-agreement, Relationship-agreement. Citizens-agreement, all beings-agreement. Within clear, honest, open and caring moments to plan, create and agree on values what all participants would gladly live and share and assist and support ourselves and each other to live that.

And I know that some has this ultimate perfect romantic love relationship, marriage, life – and when we are within of such, most will imagine/hope that this is it, they are going to remain in it – but most won’t – and often will utterly fail and will be shocking the awakening that this is a bubble and it bursts. It’s also about self-honesty – after I fall into several similar patterns – will I admit, will I realize, will I change? So in a way – if I keep not changing/realizing – that’s also a self-agreement already, but not the best…

In a way, our current world system is also existing in agreements- Some are obvious, some are not much – for one: ‘money is our god, anyone lacking will be disregarded, excluded from the grace of our physical god on earth’.

It’s important to see the world with the ability to reflect things back to Self and re-align with a more honest and direct approach. A lot of things in the system showing who we accept ourselves to be and also a lot can show potential of who we could become if we would agree on living based on principle of always do what’s best for all and its not that difficult to realize what’s that – always start with Self Here.

So why not to re-evaluate, decompose and re-define our agreements with ourselves and each other a way which supports all within balance, structure, reliability and trust?

That would be really Smart. Contract or not, I’d like to see that.

Day 336 – Self forgiveness to deal with sadness

IMG_2383sWho I am with Self-forgiveness?

I am sharing my process of Self-forgiveness since almost ten years now and I’d like to reflect back on this extraordinary journey and discovery of self, a liberation, a re-alignment and change, which keeps continuing and expanding every day.

If anyone says or thinks – “I am done with self-forgiveness, there is nothing else to forgive” – I’d say that person should not be trusted. Why? Because that person

  • a) thinks that now ascended to another level – obviously only within the realms of ego
  • b) clearly sees that the job is certainly not yet done, but wants to appear that way for some reason – again, very cautious one should be with that person

It’s fascinating to see that so many people are keep preaching about god and jesus – while they have no idea about the depth – the actual debt – of forgiveness as through thought, word and deed within unification.

Fortunately – and unfortunately for many – the equation is very simple – there is no middle ground, any blame or justification, denial or resistance towards equality means that the person is still existing within the mesmerizing experience-series of self-interest.

And it’s alright – well, not for long, but until the moment of self-realization: there is no other choice but to embrace and acknowledge, accept and own the fact that I am responsible. Everyone is.

Each and every single human being is equally responsible for the current manifestation of earth.

It might sound silly, bad, or even offending, thus I’d suggest to say it aloud for a couple of times to let your own sound, voice and resonance to vibrate in the air, through your body and thus reach the mind as well to recognize, it’s a great opportunity to accumulate something what could support all.

I know, quite some people who have difficulty to understand the equality point within all’s process, and for myself I also have difficulty to try to explain.

For me, this immediately made sense when I first read it at ‘’ – I am always equal and one with and as what I am located within/experiencing/expressing.

How can I not be equal and one with what is here, when I am always here.

I am telling here, literally here: it is not a physical pointer, this word what it refers to: here, but it’s a self-expression of who I am.

Or who I am NOT as a matter of fact, when I am not fully here, present, in this moment expressing directly with – into – and as – the physical substance, again: here, consistently.

So let’s walk a point emerged recently:

Yesterday I was very busy, I had a point what I took very seriously, something to do, accomplish, get done and I had extreme lot of difficulty, thus I could not do as I want and I got carried away with frustration several times.
It was fascinating to see that I want something soooooooo much, everything is here as opportunity to make me own the thing, to get it done, yet I was unable to. And the more I wanted, the less I progressed, like literally banging my head to a brick wall without anything changing, except my head feels more pressurized.

I was waving, energies were flowing through my mind, I got hooked into energy intensity, wanting to have more energy. After an exhausting day, I just could not rest, wanted to have more experience, so actually went out, I was driving on the highway to find some place to have dinner and I tried to compensate tiredness with energy.

So it’s this writing’s realization – that every day I can see patterns and there is no such thing as ‘I can’t become better version of myself anymore’ – that is self-delusion, well – self-deception actually. But the good thing about it that it always comes with a reason, a justification.

Why should I keep limited within this situation exactly? It’s actually fear, even the bravest soldiers can have this. I’ve met with seasoned veteran also, his point, to return home, to go to playground, where it’s peace – that freightened him, more than being on the warfield, where everything is more determined, simplistic, even if it means he faces high percentage of death.

So, my point here is that when I am tired, exhausted, I should not identify myself with that experience, as it ‘seems’ like sad, lack of energy, in a way even ‘depressed’ – and my past ‘tactic’ was to stimulate myself with intensified moments to have ‘higher vibration of energetic mind experiences’ – so then I do not feel that ‘low’.

But actually what I was dealing with was real tiredness.
So it’s a lesson to learn to be able to differentiate between real tiredness and mental/emotional tiredness(from doing the same pattern all the time and expecting same result but deep within knowing that this is not going to change(=definition of insanity), thus feeling sad about it, instead of doing something actually).

And I rested well, had more rest during this(next) day and had a coffee. Everything is more clear now, and one point to note to self that I also can have tendency to react more to others when I am exhausted. I talked with someone and I thought ‘she is really sad and not feeling good’ – and well, it was partially true, but what I ‘thought’ as extra – was completely my projection.

Well, it’s easy to say: don’t do that, like someone else would say: it’s common sense, come on, why would you need to spend hours with writing and forgiveness, why don’t you just be smart?

Accumulation and the simplest yet greatest math to understand is the key here:

1+1=2 – who I am is result of accumulation and it might just takes equal amount to change that – lack of self-honesty, disregard of common sense, awareness and responsibility was accumulated for so many days, that it’s patterns my mind and body became comfortable to do almost (or not completely) automatically. Enough to skip presence in one breath and these patterns can start acting out by themselves – well, these patterns are also me, so no escape from responsibility by separating my personality/behavior/character from self-identification.
But actually the solution is to become exactly aware of these and own them, embrace, don’t judge, and for a moment to accept who I am and thus to see the extent of insanity if I am still self-dishonest with a pattern.

Such as identifying myself, as who I am, in relation to feeling good or bad, stable or weak, when I am tired, exhausted.
In a way, then I am more vulnerable to my acceptances and allowances to own me, and they are just showing who I am today, but certainly not determining who I would have to remain so, as I can accumulate decision, commitment, honesty and motivation to change, step by step, breath by breath, day by day.

So when I write about the point I see as self-dishonest and want to change about it, it’s great that I realized it, but still there are dimensions to it what I simply HAVE TO aware of in order to be able to effectively and certainly change this point within me.

I might have insight of WHY I had, have tendency to want to identify myself energetic states, and defining myself as sad and depressed, when being tired.

Also the mind is really an energy-hungry mechanism, which I am sure that actual science has not yet looked at thus most of humanity has no idea about it within it’s utmost specificity.

Myself, also knowing about it only, because walking Desteni I Process online course and listening the extremely profound education found at – they are way ahead of our time in terms of understanding, actual support and practical solutions to personality, mental, emotional and in general self-support. It would be a great mistake to disregard this website and it’s content, especially for those, who are really interested about how consciousness, the human mind and in general creation works. Just remarkable.

So, everyone has their own mind-mojo to boost their ego, the bubble of self-interest, wherein people can retreat to and ‘rejuvenate’, to refresh, fill up and often it’s done with not absolutely self-honest action, but with abuse of self or others.

I mean, no offense to myself, but when I am exhausted, why can’t I just rest directly? What’s the problem with the tiredness experience, what I am going through actually within those moments, what I want to avoid?
This is relevant, and I understand that many require therapy from others, but with writing, self-honesty, DIP online courses, I can directly open up and walk through these points.

And although it sometimes brings up quite ‘not really to be proud of’ things, or even nasty patterns from the mind, but sharing here does not mean that I should be ashamed of – well, exactly the opposite – I am honoring myself to discover, understand and share these patterns as I also recognize that this is not really who I am, but at the moment this is I have take responsibility for.

But if I keep hiding it within myself, like a secret from others – that means I dont want others to see this within me – which in fact means I do not want/or I believe I can’t change this, so I am going to remain like this, that’s why I want to hide it. Which literally means I have no power over this -> not cool.
Rather to expose all secrets thus my mind can rest but not just by sharing with everyone, but by sharing how I am working on it to change.

I am sure of that’s the real power of social networks, sharing our inner in a structured way which can help to understand more, so then solutions can be found more effectively and broadly.
No judgement, if people share picture of their dinner, but I mostly focus on social networks to these kind of things: self-honesty, self-forgiveness, real intimacy, wanting to change, find out real potential, how to make love livable, not just a feeling or desire, how to deal with addictions, self-dishonesty, fears, resistances, and many of my contacts there do the same, so their post are more real, intimate in a way, which when I read it, I really can have insight of what they are actually going through.
They might also share some point I am also dealing with so can have actual support, or I would face similar issues later, or someone around me, so I can be supportive. That’s awesome actually.

Let’s open this restlessness/sad/energy crave point before finishing here.

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized, allowed myself to clearly see and understand, when I am exhausted to the point of not recognizing that I have tendency to become unstable and more susceptible to negative emotional patterns, with which I try to fight against, as not wanting to experience, face, or realize within; thus wanting to stimulate myself to experiences where I feel more energetic, uplifted or ‘dynamic’.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I fight myself within with energetic experiences, self-stimulation by wanting to feel good, eating sweets, all of a sudden becoming horny, needing lot of coffee or tea, go out to experience thrill – it is the moment I am trying to avoid to experience something within me, which exists in a way I don’t want or can’t change yet, but it’s too uncomfortable to remain within experiencing it.
  • I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself to be open and direct with myself to see why I feel the day as ‘unsatisfying’, even after a hard working day, so still wanting, needing more experience, yet it’s clear that I am exhausted and common sense suggests resting and relaxing.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the real point within myself, which I feel exposed to, vulnerable in relation to, when I am tired, thus not having energy to disregard within myself or get distracted from by my usual daily activities, habits – to realize what is – or are – the real thing(s) making me unsatisfied, restless and actually sad.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that what points I am bothered with, feeling unhappy and unsatisfied are the points I perceive myself being powerless in relation to, which I can’t change at the moment, or changing it requires consistent and constant self-movement, direction, change, application, work, effort and investment, which I convinced myself or excused myself from it that I can’t do it or it’s not quick enough solution.
  • I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself that I am frustrated about not getting what I want right now, and previously the things were like this I intentionally did let go, so I do not feel frustrated and I believed that is self-liberation, but actually accepting my limitations, and within these times I stick to my decisions, which of some requires longer time to manifest, but at the meantime, when I am not stable, present and self-honest, I can feel as not good enough, thus myself not being good enough, wanting to do more, stay awake more as well, as feeling I did not do all I could but wanting to, even when I am clearly in a state when I am not effective and already ‘burning my reserves’ in terms of physical energy.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within not wanting to rest at night I am being faced with a point of ‘I did not do everything I could’ as self-judgement, which I do not want to accept, however it’s already done – and also possible that I actually did, but just perceiving or believing I did not – because the things I move manifest slowly in physical real timeline and within my mind I imagined, dreamed, desired perfect and immediate solutions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within my mind what I imagine as perfect/desirable by itself has nothing to do with reality and if I do not relate, bring down to earth with viable plan, structuring, consideration and reality awareness, I am existing within delusion, thus self-dishonesty if I get frustrated about why not desire/fantasy come true.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I did not want to be honest with myself about the fact that I miss my girlfriend being with me as she travelled away and I always feared to be dependent and connected as did not want to have the missing experience, so rather I’ve closed myself down and did not get anyone that really close or define her as important part of my life, but with this person I decided to risk to really connect and thus experiencing missing her and and aspect of myself I’ve defined myself being able to fulfil with her.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that missing someone is alright, even being sad is okay, nothing to fear about that, but only self-honest if that is not influencing my stability, presence, ability to live up to my commitments, principles and self-expression.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that I would not be able to remain unaffected with sadness if I would really ‘give into it’, thus I always ensured that I never face this experience, but rather distract myself, justify why it’s OK not to give into sadness, however each time accumulating self-suppression which certainly catches up to me just not the way it would consider me and my stability, as equally so as I also not consider it what it is, as aspect of myself I try to separate from myself due to a fear I do not acknowledge, name and embrace and take responsibility for.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that sadness itself is not bad, it also can be a self-expression, what can be re-defined, thus to ensure that I am remaining honored to live words as equal as myself without compromising principle and self-honesty.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that behind my actual sadness experience is self-acceptance for things I believed not to be able to change, however within my current relationship with my sadness, it’s also an excuse – to be able to secretly release all the suppressed sadness I accumulated within me during my life but never really faced it and experienced it fully, only at very short period of times when I could not hold it anymore.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am really sad about the world, how humans are basically cannibals as literally eating each other up in terms of resources and opportunities to support life and feeling that I can’t do anything about it by myself and not realizing that change always starts with self here, thus I change myself, I express myself, I move myself and the world might resist me, but eventually I can make the world accept me, and I accumulate a certain change by one participant, which I have absolute power over, myself here. And within that realizing that my sadness is give up, give in, if I stop moving by sadness as energetic experience – and I can use sadness as a reference point to see what I can do and what I actually do.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that sadness makes me weaker, thus it’s my important interest to get rid of it and avoid it at all cost, and not realizing that I do not look at it’s source, I just want to contain and handle a consequence, which is not common sense, as prevention is the best cure, here: to be honest with myself in the first place to see of about what I feel sadness and why and how can I ensure that I do everything in my power to prevent that to happen, if actually preventable. For instance in my case – to rejoin with my partner as soon as possible, and for that to see what I have to do and then focus on doing that, and within this to see that sadness is not real, it’s just a cover up of when I do not do all I can, so it’s a cool reflection of inspiration to move.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress emotions on a daily basis as I realized if I allow them free roam within me, I compromise my common sense, logic and decision making, but not realizing that each emotion I do not face and deal with it – will remain here, in and as my body as myself and will return eventually, no escape, thus the solution here, which I did not realize to prevent myself to go into reactive-emotion-based behavior, and for that to be able to prevent I need to see the patterns, conditions, trigger points before falling into the reaction – thus literally re-writing my expression.

    So, just like it – I open up and see what’s behind emotions, memories, layers of personality.

And within writing – I am here, stable, directive, slowed down within, thus I can ‘read’ myself from within and by writing words down, I am becoming to be able to see more clearly of what’s happening within me and to also see if I am honest with myself or not.

It’s difficult to be absolutely honest with myself but that’s the only way that for longer term I prevent inner conflict to be created, and in that sense – it’s the most simple too – not in terms of doing what has to be done within self-honesty.

Also cool to write action points after realization:

  • When and as I am tired/exhausted – I recognize the tendency to get addicted to energy intensity, as when I am tired, I am more vulnerable to my temptations from my past patterns to stimulate and go into trance mode of ‘energy movement’ – which is not self-movement, but I feel like it, but within self-honesty I see that it’s self-delusion and if I accept that – I create inner conflict, which I can contain for so long until it bites me back – thus I relax, I rest – if my mind still moves when I want to rest – I use technique – relaxation, reading a book, eating, having shower, and then I rest. If I have not done all I could today when I am exhausted – I have to live with that but I’d rather focus to how I do not make the same mistake on the next day.
  • When and as I feel sad about missing someone or wanting to be with her, I realize that I am missing her expression of what I do not access within me directly for a reason and it’s my responsibility to be able to live aspects of myself regardless of others – however to miss someone is alright, so it’s ok to realize how much that person can mean for me – but if I allow myself to be compromised within stability, presence, expression – then it’s an excuse to give into temptations of energy experiences, which is again a kind of trance state in my mind, where I can disconnect from reality for a reason I do not want to know directly or wanting to hide from for a reason I do not want to word it and be aware of it, because then I would have to start changing myself.

So emotions are not bad – they all indicate self-separation, self-dishonesty, if they appear and try to imbalance or control me, especially if I become distracted from solutions, commitments and of consistent presence within self-expression – and actually I try to make myself be controlled with the energy of it, thus it’s all of me and my full responsibility to directly live, not through reactions, suppression, separation and judgement. So for that, I keep continuing and committing myself to decompose these patterns, what can be explored, understood with writing, saying and living words within unification.

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