Day 322 – Leadership opening up

IMG_1679Last time I was writing about being awkward. If I look beyond that self-limitation, there are a lot of points what I was suppressing as well.
Let’s look one particular point what started to open recently.

I was listening three of amazing EQAFE support interviews in regarding to Leadership

(links at the end of this post).

I’ve been circling around this word since a while and within my DIP PRO course assignment also pops up from time to time and the more I become honest with myself, this is an aspect of me, seeing the potential on how to expand with it, but it is also becoming clear that there is much work to do in order to birth that potential into life.

Thus, walking some memories, decomposing some constructs of my own relationship and personality of the word and it’s meaning of LEADER and LEADERSHIP.

Right away, there has always been a controversy of two opposite opinions about this within me: since my childhood, all I ever wanted is to have more power, possibilities and freedom, while on the other hand I have been accumulated so much willingness and desire to directly lack, deny and escape responsibility.

After many years, here I am and already realized that responsibility is the only way which through I can be really free of my self-limitation and powerlessness, thus since a while I specifically aim parts of my life wherein I am directing myself to open up and realize: where I am still not taking responsibility for myself and then(or at the same time) the world as well.

So I start with walking Self-forgiveness immediately, instead of sharing a lot of memories, because that is not really required here to start to see, as this point I have focusing to since a while in reflection to things happening in my personal, interpersonal and global life events, so I just directly apply practical understanding through actually taking responsibility with seeing what I have not yet acknowledged, but in a way, in the background, I have always known.


  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire leadership, to become a leader and not being honest with myself to see that this desire is fueled by my own powerlessness, insecurity and wanting to compensate values, aspects, abilities and personality traits of others, who I defined as more than who I perceive myself to be.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want power and efficiency, but not wanting to take responsibility for who I am, for the reactions, thoughts, feelings and emotions are happening within me, overwhelming, distracting, dis-empowering me, but directly wanting to exert power into the world, because then others would see how powerful I am and based on their reactions, I would feel myself more powerful.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself to see/realize/understand that I want to seem as powerful in order to be judged as powerful, so then based on judgements, starting to believe that indeed I am powerful.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the polarity-energy play within myself as wanting to experience ‘positive‘ judgments about me in relation to leadership and power to COMPENSATE the already existing ‘negative‘ judgments/beliefs/self-definitions within me and not realizing the common sense to stop/remove the ‘negative’ directly with self-honesty and self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-commitments to change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve defined people in leading positions as something I could be good at without actually understanding what they do, what qualities they live and how.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that leader, as the word itself explains itself, meaning that the one, who leads the way, which mostly means to initiate, to move first, without anything or anyone outside of themselves and that requires self-trust, self-knowledge and self-dedication, which I never considered to see it as actual qualities I can learn, but as being not my type, not my personality, not my way and not realizing that these are simply excuses and justifications of why I should give into the resistance to face and change my personality if I do really want to be a leader.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that my initial desire to become leader comes from the realization that I allow myself to be leaded by forces outside of me, even when I do not want, I do realize that it’s not supporting me, thus to compensate/fight that powerlessness, started to grow a desire for power and leadership.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that ANY leadership starts with self, self-leadership and to deal with myself, my inner representation, my mind, my personality, my ‘demons’, so to speak, the patterns what constitute the chance to compromise my stand, to doubt myself, to give into resistances, to not want to change, initiate, move.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that my resistance towards leading, leading systems, others is the manifestation of the resistance to lead myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that until self-leadership will not spread and become a living expression of all individuals, there always will be leaders, which means master and slave relationship.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that leading is not about the power as it is mostly given, and if one does not live with that given power well, it might or will be taken away – even if it’s about self-leadership and self-given power – any doubt, resistance, fear can compromise that power.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to take responsibility for what and who I am and within that to realize that I can change if I decide so, and the very fact that I am not changing is the indication and proof of that I am not taking responsibility and thus accepting my limitations to direct me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy leaders around me by what I perceived as having access to power and thus wanting to be leader and only looking what they have but not questioning the process they actually became leaders with what qualities and actions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only thing stops me from being leader is the self-sabotage of not leading myself first.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not yet ready to become a leader and within that not seeing what actual justifications I hold onto, what makes that belief within me.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the postponement of actually walking the path of a leader is the belief that first I have to become perfect, then once I am ‘ready’, then I will lead and within that not realizing that there is no perfection without making mistakes first and the ability to admit and change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized, named and worded the actual excuses and justifications I am holding onto for not taking responsibility to lead myself, to initiate movement and change within myself and the world as equal as one in a consistent practical application.


So, this should do as a start, at the end the realization came to the surface that I actually have to list up the points I perceive as blocking me to lead myself effectively.

I start with a brief list here and I will continue in the next post with this fascinating topic.

  • The belief that once I become a leader, I will have less time for entertainment and to actually do what I like, such as learning, investigating, discovering.
  • The belief that first I have to face all my demons to not get into any possible compromising situation ‘out there’ in the world.
  • The belief that I am not stable and consistent enough
  • The belief that my communication skills are not yet effective enough
    The belief that I am not yet walking a supportive, enjoyable and stable partnership with someone first
  • The belief that I have to remain somewhat alone and secluded in order to become someone who will not compromise leadership and responsibility first versus personal interest, such as relationship and family and it’s a friction within between wanting partnership, but only if it’s not compromising my ‘plans’ and having the belief that I should not care about such details, but only focus to my ‘plans’
  • The belief that I am not direct, in a way ruthless or impersonal enough and being vulnerable for people to be able to influence me with their social skills, beauty or my insecurities

These are just a few and some of them are already seem ridiculous for me at the moment I write them down, so at first sight they do not seem relevant or real problematic, but still: came up, thus worth writing down and to see what is behind that particular belief.

Just like with fears and phobias – many people hold onto so many kinds of fears without even being aware of how ridiculous it might seem if the person would actually take the effort to write it down to see in front of them.

A point I see worth mentioning in regarding to fear:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from jumping into action in regarding to leadership, which is the fear of making so big mistakes that would manifest irreversible consequences, what could sabotage my intention, direction towards leadership.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I focus to the fear and it’s resonance, I do not look at the point I fear manifesting, I do not see if it’s realistic, what I can do to prevent it, but I spend time to not move, not act, but only react within.

And the last should be this:

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within seeing the initiative to become leader, but not actually specifying of what kind of leader within what ‘field’ I want to lead, initiate, move change, thus it’s all abstract, undefined, un-graspable, which is to protect my level of involvement with leadership, which is only self-stimulation, not actual reality-walking and manifesting.

This is greatly challenging and recommended everyone to walk as can reveal so many points of self-dishonesty to work with and being able to face, understand and stop.

These are the awesome EQAFE interviews about leadership I’ve mentioned and support me and others greatly:

And a personal blog post from Marlen to look Leadership as well, suggested to read:

Day 321 – From awkwardness to self-trust part 4

aw4Continuing from Day 318 – From awkwardness to self-trust part 1 and part 2 and part 3

I walk self-forgiveness on the major points mentioned here to puncture my realizations with practical common sense and take responsibility for the manifested self-dishonesty in regarding to awkwardness and suppressing developing and expanding within social skills and expressions.

  • I forgive myself that I have not asked directly the reason and origin of my awkward definition, experience and judgement from myself, but to automatically becoming preoccupied with the consequence of my definition, experience and judgement of it, thus distracted from understanding the problem, finding solution for the problem.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I only experienced and judged myself as awkward when I was interacting with others, within social interaction and communication and within that not realizing why I am uneasy, inconvenient, embarrassed, but whenever this experience comes up, immediately going into the reaction side, judgement direction, distraction mode from the actual reason of this is spiraling out.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware of the fact that I feel awkward, because of comparison, judgement of how I want to experience, to be experienced versus what is actually happening within me and in relation to others and the difference between what I imagined, desired and actual reality, I perceive as defeat, failure, for I blame myself, feeling ashamed for and defining that this is who I am, awkward I am and not realizing that it’s just an experience, wherein I define and feel being stuck within.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I recreate awkwardness each and every single time when I judge myself, when I expect outcome of social/human relationships interaction from my own self-interest and/or when I do not trust myself, and then comparing, expecting, judging and blaming, which all are temptations to be given into to be distracted from the fact that I gave up self-honesty and self-trust when defined that it’s acceptable to rather define myself as awkward and blame myself for it, being angry and frustrated at myself for it, instead of looking it as practical as possible, meaning to find out what is the actual problem/source of this and what and how could be the actual solution.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that my awkwardness and self-judgments about it are of words and thus the problem is within my relationship with words, thus the realization and solution also must be too.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divert my attention from the actual problems I was facing by giving into hope and trust into manifestations within this world outside of me, taking refugee within experiences, energetic mind states and rituals and thus undermining my self-trust.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that any energetic accumulation-based method/way/process is only working on mind level, which is although a symptom, but also a consequence, a mirror, and reflects back my starting point and physical expression, thus the the mind should only be ‘used’ as to backtrack, cross-reference and become aware of the self-dishonesty I am responsible for to stop.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fight against myself, my perceived personality, nature, tendencies and within that believing that I have to accumulate greater amount of energy in my mind by time looping within judgments, reactions, emotions and thinking and thus being slave of my own self-limitation, because then I only way equilibrium within this if I walk the whole cycle of falling and raising and being distracted with this path to not see that the actual solution is to entirely step out of this pattern and not participate, prevent myself to even react to the conditions I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to automatically.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve defined to interact with others making me weird, awkward, my comparison, judgement, but in fact it’s totally unrelated to others, anyone else, but myself here and if I give into such experiences and judgements, it’s showing me that I am still not trusting myself unconditionally, not being able to remain here, directive and present and therefore the real challenge and self-trust means that I am able to be here as alone, as others, equally, no difference of who I am within self-honesty.
  • That’s why whatever comes up alone or with others – it’s my responsibility to face, understand, forgive and stop and to see what life can mean beyond this self-limitation.
  • I commit myself to challenge myself to step out of my comfort and comfortable zones and to see who I am within facing the unknown and to realize that the most practical common sense is to trust myself – and if I find out within self-honesty that I don’t/can’t trust myself in relation to something, then I take responsibility for stopping and changing myself, not just making decision but to live that in action.
  • I commit myself to immediately look at the source point of upcoming experience of awkwardness within self-honesty, to see what is the judgement, the fear, the self-limitation and forgive myself, stop myself, change myself, if I am able in the moment, then right away, but if I face recurring pattern, difficulty, not specific enough understanding, then I write down the patterns, I investigate, I apply self-forgiveness, I communicate with other destonians, if necessary.

Redefining awkward, awkwardness experience: The self-reflection of a certain judgement of myself and coming up with the tendency to give into the experience of shame, powerlessness, but it is rather an opportunity to see within myself what I am not yet accepting about myself to stand equal and one and thus being able to change. Thus awkwardness can be applied as a gift to take responsibility for an automatic energetic experience I’ve allowed up to this point but from now on committing myself to prevent overpowering my presence and direction with self-judgement.

So the process here is to admit, to acknowledge and be brutally self-honest about why I do what – and this is always different, when I walk through various self-dishonest patterns, but in a way it’s also a skill, and accumulates self-trust, to be able to question the relevant questions and have the relevant answers. There is no mystic, hidden agenda when it comes to our own mind, personality and self-limitations. Everything is in plain sight. The only reason someone can’t see through deception and excuses, justifications of how and why accepting self-limitations is because did not really committed oneself to walk through this and did not yet developed the necessary discipline, skills and the ability to not stop when facing resistances, fear, inconvenience, uncomfortability.

To learn this game/life-changing abilities/skills/starting point, visit:

Awkwardness in relation to our bodies

Day 318 – From awkwardness to self-trust part 1

PSX_20170116_094211Sharing points about how I am utilizing to enter and participate within society to expose, understand and stop self-dishonesty within myself.

Some personal history:

I used to be quite an introvert, a quiet guy in the background and if I would have to describe my overall experience and expression within human relationships in one word, that would be awkward.

Within the development of my personality, the social interaction was always a step behind from other kids from the same age and thus they always seemed a bit more good at these things than me and I experienced this doubt and inferiority and all I could do about it was to suppress, justify and hide. In the meantime I’ve learned the “discipline” to constantly and consistently fantasize, to daydream and self-stimulate.

Around high school I’ve started to notice the first time that my level of social and communication ability it is highly limiting, for instance, when I had affection towards certain females. I was literally crushed within, even from just the idea to say a word to a woman, who I liked. Although, later women approached me quite directly and I was still able to screw up and ending up not doing what I actually wanted, what I had the opportunity for and with this I just made myself more frustrated and awkward.

I was constantly thinking about what could happen, what should I do, similarly to a computer, running simulations of possibilities, tainted with doubt and fear of mistakes and failures.

After something was done or there was an action I wanted to do, but I did not, I kept re-playing it in my mind, just judging myself, finding acceptable reasons, why, why why?

Quite early on I’ve developed this weird ability to generate extreme amount of energetic experiences within my mind and body due to constant emotional reactions to my self-judgement, which has taken the toll to my actual self-trust quite extensively. Especially with being able to suppress it in a split-second, when I started to ‘lose my clean head’, I just firmly said ‘enough!’ and the emotion seemed like it was gone. But it was not, I was suppressing, accumulating in the ‘background’ and once it was too much to ‘contain, endure’, then it came out, I felt this weird rage-like mind state, which often, politely say, prevented me to act out of my possible best potentials. Then I did calm down, and the whole process started over.

At university, alcohol-fueled parties brought change in a way, I was able to inhibit suppression for a while, although I’ve felt myself literally more close to an animal in those moments than human, but felt good to release the chained beast so to speak.
I was not really aggressive, but rather reckless and so to speak fearless within my actions. It’s consequences were also substantial, problems with finishing exams, wasting lot of opportunities in my location situation at the campus , falling into a rejected affection so deeply, that I literally lost years within complete emotional turmoils.

In the next phase of my life I’ve smoked dope and after a while found my next tool, powerful psychedelic drugs to melt, expand and fractalize my mind, and in a way the first couple of experiments opened my eyes to vast amount of possibilities and potentials in terms of human relationships, social abilities, the mind, etc. I was still the same shy, awkward kid within, which I never stopped facing, noticing and hating too, but saw a glimpse of hope for change. Wrote a diary, learned basics of Aikido and zen meditation.

After some quite extraordinary sets of experiences during self-stimulative sitting meditations, I’ve realized that I could sit through my entire life, I could create inner peace, seeing dimensions all the way, touching the leg of nirvana, but once I stand up, everything fades away and my initial crucible of overwhelming awkwardness naturally returns.

This made me realize that I have to actively work within ‘every day moments‘ on facing and opening up these experiences, expressions and explore ways to change.

I always worked behind computers, interacting with machines, so I figured out, the perfect start would be to have a job where I have to communicate with people.

This was the most resisting thing I had, so realized, why not to push towards that.

A friend of mine had an art shop, so I became a seller. She was my boss, I had to greet, listen and serve people, answer to their questions about the art techniques, tools, items and it was challenging. I did not stay too long there, only for the time to realize that this ‘method’ is effective, I’ve learned a lot.

Sometimes, I even had my body physically resisting moving forward, or started shaking, which might seem crazy or schizo, but I see it now, it is the extent of how humans can accumulate inner-mind patterns, energetic experiences to manifest physical resistances, which are literally like dense swamp or even brick wall sometimes to walk through.

I’ve seen this as fear of death – the death of my ego, my bubble imaginary mind personality is literally afraid to being exposed to face the fact that it’s time for it to die. And as I was identified with this image and likeness, to some degree, I had this weird sensation of putting down a part of myself, but I had to do. I kept imagining how I die, my body parts would just explode as I walk through a car, maybe there is a bomb there, and in a weird way, I’ve tried to get accustomed to facing death, to walk towards something, which is not comfortable, absolutely unpleasant, but I had to walk, there is no stopping, or I would remain this screwed up and self-limited.

(What back there, then I did not realize that I was fighting against myself, thus literally created wars within myself, thus what I resisted, persisted too, thus this was going on for a while and much-much later I realized the practicality of embracing the totality of myself)

Later on, I travelled with another kind of artists, jugglers, musicians, we sold hand-made artwork on street, I learned to not only be effective on performing and making money on street, but actually enjoying it too.

What made it difficult was that I did not stop smoking dope and that often brought back the introvert/awkward kid within me, but I did not see that back then.

My experience with weed is that it brings back a certain mind-state, even if it seems different and evolving, it’s kind of ‘going back’ experience, and for me – and maybe many others too – it’s a less emotionally responsible version of myself, and yes, I’ve trained myself and my mind to have fun, enjoy and focus to cool things with the experience, but in a way, it also catalyzed to keep suppressing the judgments, emotions, responsibilities I kept ignoring, escaping from.

I never really had any ‘withdrawal’ symptom from any substance, not even ‘psychologically’ – only on self-level to use the experience to not be self-honest in a way, to keep hiding, procrastinating to face the really relevant and problematic points in my life. Even, with the fact that my primary goal with these substances, genuinely was self-development and to support transcendence – with this tiny little point, most of these were in a way biased and compromised to a certain extent.

But this, I only realized much later.

When I came home, I was already a bit different man in terms of being a bit more natural while interacting with people. Still awkward, but now had some patterns to utilize to interact with others. This change attracted a different kind of people into my life, who with I continued to learn new skills.
One of the most important ones was dancing. I always hated that, resisted, more than the devil one would – which is obviously weird, but I did push through that one eventually with some chemical bridge, one occasion was enough. I even saw that not the MDMA itself made me open, as I was kind of planning to do with it, it just gave some push and that’s all I needed back then. Much later I’ve did MDMA maybe twice more, but those did not really ‘add’ anything new in particular, so then I lost my interest with that substance. In a way, I also realized, it was more ME, who did open this point up, thus I did not make habit from taking this substance, as many of my friends did then, and some still.

Sometimes these can assist, but if it’s more than a couple times in a lifetime, one has to realize the fact that it’s a distraction, the question one has to answer: why?
So, after one particular night, I realized I am a dancer. Not a professional, not in any particular style, but to move and enjoy with music genuinely in the moment – that’s dancing and it’s a gift.
I kept ‘practicing’, still, mostly under influence of psychedelics, mainly for drum and bass and goatrance. I learned a lot of ‘trance dance’ patterns and endurance, but beyond that, I was still awkward. This was not enough.

I will continue in the next post

Day 296 – Insignificant moments

Transcendence with the tiny moments. I’ve made a vlog:

Transcription of the video:

Even the least significant moments can be actual accumulation for taking the momentum against(to stand up to) one’s self-limiting mind.

For instance I’ve just cleared the toothbrush after wasting my teeth and then as I was cleaning the toothbrush, even in this insignificant moment, what at least my mind tries persuade me that in this moment I can think of anything else, because I am so superior being, I can think of some other stuff in my life meanwhile I do this, so my mind I would say ‘Don’t worry, I am going to take care of this, you just fly into your mind and think of anything else, whatever you want’.
And if I really look at it in this apparently insignificant moment, I say no, I am here, I am present, I direct this situation and I take over, thank you very much. No friction, no fight, no resistance. And what I accumulate here is that even within the smallest moments I am here, so apparently my mind would say, ‘Oh, then I would no have enough time to consider (apparently) more important things in my life, such as paying the bills, or how to make my job professionally, whatever!’

But in fact, as I direct myself in this moment of cleaning the toothbrush within absolute presence, I also gain self-trust and discipline and self-direction. So then when I face other points what apparently again – seems like more important in my life, then I will be also able to be present, directive and not disturbed, distracted with the mind, which is trying constantly to tell me what’s important, what’s relevant and what to worry about, what not.

And my mind is not my enemy, it’s kind of my nemesis, which is also myself and the solution for transcending the mind is not fighting, not resisting, but to understand to the specific points of it’s origin point, as for instance fear not having enough time, or I am more important and superior being to be really present to brush my teeth and clear the brush after all, because whatever reasons, but finding presence within this apparently insignificant moments also accumulate into more self-trust, more physical presence and in overall more awareness. And also it’s a bit simple to take over these moments first, like I have huge problems in my life.

Start with the little things, because there the mind has…you have given permission authority to these aspects of yourself, but you can take back more easily than the whole whatever relationship, or money, or world system problems you face. And within you start to know yourself, you start to understand how to deal with your distraction points, with your fear, addiction, whatever. And then you just walk this process. And then you realize it does not matter if it’s a small point or a big point. It’s like I am here, this point is here, I deal with it. That’s all.
So it’s no problem if I write about apparently insignificant moments if I am unable to understand the whole situation in order to support myself to prevent prevent to go into these mind-reactions or distractions, because it’s accumulating to the greater good, which is like really being able to trust myself to not go into the mind or even if I would do, it’s my own direction, meanwhile I am still here. I am still directing, I am still present.


img_0655I forgive myself that I have not realized that the definition and judgement of ‘tiny’ and ‘insignificantmoments are merely creation within my mind, my virtual personality database, wherein everything is being constantly created, or consequence of my interest, according to positive- and negative-based belief systems, and thus – the very idea of that some moments are more important than others is also belief and actually hiding the points I have not yet realized about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are moments what are more important than others in my life, what I should focus to, and according to that belief, to automatically give permission my mind to systematically create the judgement of ‘insignificant‘ moments, wherein I do not have to be ‘that much present’.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize, see and understand that if I am not here consistently and constantly, I am basically diminishing and ‘falling into’ my mind system, which is a self-created separation experience, which through I give my power away to not see the wholeness of what is here, but only based on a self-limiting view of interest as if its significant enough to ‘honor it with my presence’ or not. Within that not realizing that if I am not present, I will actually not know if that moment is indeed significant or not,  and that is the self-eating snake I justified myself to diminish into and within that also not realizing that the only significance and honor I can ensure is to actually be unconditionally present in all moments equally.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that with my exclusively past-based knowledge and information judgement system to decide what moment is significant or not, I try to re-and re-self-fulfill the prophecy I’ve seen in my mind based on my fear I try to escape from.

I forgive myself that I have not understood how I am trying to justify existing within fear by utilizing thoughts to tell me when I can go into my mind to have another set of thoughts about another fear by believing that if I think about something, I will figure out a prevention to it, meanwhile in fact I am giving up constant and consistent presence, which is the key to accumulate self-direction and self-trust and to understand everything what’s present.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the moments when I am alone and doing things what I every day or very often do, such as brushing my teeth, taking a shower, or even walking around, creating habits and do these actions without fully being aware of the body, and meanwhile not realizing that the very indication that I ‘leave’ presence into thinking about something is fear, which I do not directly see, its source and origin I do not realize, but blindly trusting my mind suggesting me that in those moments I am more efficient and effective if I allow thoughts to flow through my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I allow thought to be reacted to, which then can trigger another thought and feeling like this is me ‘moving’, meanwhile in fact I am suppressing myself, not moving, not sounding, not living, but only reacting according to my past, based on a specific fear which I keep accepting, at least by believing it to be real enough to have this ‘workaround’ about it and resulting in not being constantly present in and as the physical within awareness.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within defining moments of every day actions as insignificant, I actually make my presence and direction that, and by that not even realizing the actual significance of what I could realize, manifest, live if I would have stayed constantly present by stop being the slave of fear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define brushing teeth, washing the brush, dish washing, cleaning, or even ‘just’ walking as insignificant and based on the judgment and actual skill of being able to ‘automatically’ do things, in fact I am accumulating the occasions of giving into fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when points coming up in my mind as distraction at the moments what I pre-defined as ‘insignificant‘ is showing me that my mind is in a way ‘leaking’, the problematic points I keep reacting to are not ‘contained’, but conflicting within and thus trying to re-and re-process those points in order to stimulate myself into a solution, but that is not true as by thinking and reacting about it is actually the opposite of solving it, but rather to accept it, just have energetic experiences about it in the self-delusion that ‘I am now thinking the problem’ and yes, but not the actual solution.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I am being distracted by reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions while doing something what I’ve defined as mundane, ordinary, easy, boring, that means that I am not honoring myself to be fully present to face those moments based on pre-judgments of what those moments are about and also that I have not given myself the adequate space and time, effort and practical method to face the points coming up in my mind for concluding a practical solution for the problems I keep unsolved.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the spiritualisation of the all equal moments I’ve been created through the perception of separation and judgement in my mind by defining some moments as more important, more meaningful, more divine, thus creating a polarity system of when it is alright to be not fully present with my utmost potential and when I should and then relying this auto-judgement-mechanism system to tell me when I should be more present and when I do not necessary to and all the while not realizing that if I am not present in any given moment, all the accumulated presence, awareness, direction and substantiation of SELF as LIFE is gone entirely again, just as my absolute self-trust, self-direction and self-honesty, thus basically I have to start to make a stand from scratch, breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have excuse and justification that I can and should have multitasking while doing the things I’ve defined previously as insignificant, thus to go into my mind and think

Self-corrective statements for the situations I commit myself to remain present:

When and as I brush my teeth, I breathe in and out, I focus to physical presence, my standing, the senses, the gravity, my hands, my face and I honor myself to be present and directive while doing it and if anything comes up in my mind meanwhile, I realize that it is alright to remember, make note, but NOT self-honest to just follow any thought, reaction automatically and go into ‘thinking mode’, meanwhile just brush my teeth by habit, just as remembering how I washed the day before and before that.

When and as I wash my hands, I focus to presence, the physical feel, my wholeness as direction and expression and I direct my mind to stop and I breathe in and out.

When and as I walk, I focus, discipline, direct and express myself as the body directly and trust myself that in that moment I am the living word of walking and if something I have to wonder about what would make me go into my mind, I consider if it’s relevant, important or supportive in that moment or not, and if not, then I make a note, a remark, a point to return to this later and keep walking.

When and as I would go into doubt, thinking, reactive judgments about not being sure what is self-honest and supporting to do simultaneously, such as walking and talking, or considering what to buy in the shop, and as long as I am accessing anything from my mind instantly, here, while not being distracted, lost, it’s practical, but not to the point of losing direction, physical and breathing awareness.

When and as I feel like I do not have time to stop doing what I do and I would feel the urge to think about something while doing something, I breathe out and in – or in and out accordingly and realize that it’s not about speed as it’s not life-threatening to give myself one more breath and consider something WHILE remaining present.

When and as I drive and start thinking about something and thought follows thought and I miss the driving direction and awareness point of the system of progressive driving, which is to ensure to remain responsible and response-able in any given situations, then I see the need for dropping the topic in my mind and re-align myself with the driving entirely and if I am being overwhelmed by reactions, then I slow down and I make possible to have a stop and then sort things out.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that small physical action mistakes and accidents are happening with me, because being in my mind, thinking, or already projecting myself into the future of what I am going to do, how I will react, feel and do, meanwhile missing the simple physical action references of walking properly, taking objects, putting here and there and those apparently ‘simple actions’, what I already acknowledged that I can make mistake doing when I think.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be aware of the fact that almost all of my injuries I have suffered have happened due to preoccupation in my mind MEANWHILE doing something, handling objects with what I made myself cut/bleed, bruise, stumble or fall or drop things, hit or smash things and those are also indications of me becoming out of sync with physical real time and space as entering mind virtual space time which is completely unrelated to actual reality, thus compromising my effectiveness and presence, thus awareness and responsibility as well.

I commit myself to stop and drop all labeling of moments in my life ENTIRELY of which moment is more significant or which is mundane, and to take full responsibility in all breath equally by realizing that any moment can only be more special or important based my own self-interest, which can be considered, but not to be subjected to to the degree of being distracted to fall out from actual physical time-space continuum.

I commit myself to stop defining every day things what I always do as mundane and insignificant, such as brushing my teeth, washing myself, things, cleaning, go to toilet, walking around, carry things, even driving – I realize that each moment is reflection of who I accumulate myself manifesting to be, thus I direct myself to establish a self who I can be present with and as in all time without any doubt, fear by knowing who I am and re-defining who I am able to honor with consistency.

I commit myself to use any available tools necessary to deal and transcend any distractions coming up in my mind by recognizing that those aspects I’ve separated myself from and by the nature and relationship of the word-judgments, I am able to decompose the pattern of fear/self-dishonesty to take responsibility and forgive myself for giving my mind permission to suppress, then all of a sudden re-appear and distract me from what I am currently doing and by that not being able to be the director of my life, but being directed by previously manifested consequences of judgement, separation, fear and self-dishonesty.

I commit myself to not get blindfolded with an excuse of ‘equalizing’ all moments by convincing myself that there are no moments when there are more stakes in terms of responsibility, such as in direct life-threatening moments, or constructing a high-value deal or making an exam, wherein the decisions and actions I do can have more direct or long-term consequcence, but this should never compromise to go into a polarity-manifestation to deliberately abdicate to responsibility within standing as self-honesty in all of my moments equally.

This is, just like the argument people can put out when I say I support equality and they immediately say it’s insulting bullshit as there are people who have more valuable skills, experiences, significances in terms of their situation, position in the system, etc – but that is not about equality.

Equality is to recognize and honour the qualities and potential, what exists  within all, regardless of circumstances and conditions.

It’s like dogs: they mostly are so cute and a joy to be with them and great support, but that is not applied to a just commanded police dog to bite me or when wild dogs flock and scavenge anything alive – but still – the potential and life within that dog is still present – and when I say equality, I do not get ‘blinded’ by the positive imagination of ‘lalala cute dog’, but also not get completely ‘owned’ by my current personal involvement of ‘this dog is attacking me’. Awareness is not positivity. Neither bitter negativity. It’s the whole picture. Or at least a process to be able to get to

Accumulate real and practical self-knowing and change patterns what do not align with being honest with Self and All Life: Try the free online support course at

Day 294 Re-aligning Change itself

IMG_0428.jpgContinuing on breath support in terms of stopping any mind-patterns what suppress or sabotage natural and effective breathing and awareness of physical presence.

What I notice is that when I write and apply self-forgiveness, open up points, work through specific patterns and thus becoming able to foresee them ‘coming up’ within me and also to make the decision to stop and direct myself to change – is that I experience and being able to really start accumulating change from small moments towards the more challenging ones as well.

However if I break the momentum so to speak, meaning I do not continue to work on these points, after several days I still can experience a sort of ‘fall back’ or ‘waving’, as not being able to consistently bring the level of self-honest application of living the change what I commit myself to become.

This is what I investigate today here from different angles. One is that why I stop moving, expanding, opening up, directing the change.

Another aspect to look at is that what are the trigger points when I stop this decision to live out and what are my inner reactions of thoughts/feelings/emotions to them what makes it acceptable, justifiable.

What comes up first is that I actually see development/progress/change within myself, right after writing/sounding self-forgiveness and that can give the impression that ‘everything is going awesome now’, so I take granted something what just started to sprout out and not considering that there is quite some work to do to really nurture this birth to grow it into a huge, stable tree, what can consistently stand unwavering unconditionally.

What I can see is that there is a tendency to utilize process and the tools of self-honesty as not something as who I am within unification as one and equal, but as a separate ‘method’, what I can take, use, then put it down, just like I used spiritual meditations/mantras, psychedelic drugs, as it were like a gadget from my pocket and once I ‘experience’ change, I am already ‘feeling’ better.

Also to consider that I started to become more and more specific at self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements, which can really support at the certain areas of my life, however there are still about a dozen others wherein I did not yet walked the same self-awareness, responsibility and self-honesty process, thus I am still being exposed to accept previously accepted subconscious, unconscious and even conscious influences to distract and delude from constantly remain present within the awareness of breath, physical presence and directive application of the change I want to see in this world, starting with my own human physical body.

One would ask why so serious and superimpose such great changes within one’s behaviur, especially when so much resisted from within, thus it becomes a struggle, what is not an easy thing to do?

This is also where Self-honesty as not just as a concept, but as a practical approach can assist to see what is really good for me and other participants of my reality according to throughout investigation, decomposition of patterns of thinking/judgements/reactions and to see what would be the best and not just to see, but ‘going out’ and actually try it out and then re-evaluate, is this really as it seemed within writing?

If someone states, ‘I am done with process’ – that’s then obviously self-dishonest, no question and if I have to explain that, then one should just ask that

“What is saying within me and why, based on what that I could/can/and won’t be able to do anything else/more to support the possible best outcome from my action’s consequences”?

When someone would actually lay back and to state out – I am done, just like ‘I am now enlightened, free, nothing to perfect anymore. In a way it’s pure self-interest: I am feeling okay, that’s great.

Within walking with Desteni group and to see when people all of a sudden just state ‘this is not what I think is the best anymore’ and they leave, even some making a scene, writing such long explanation letters to justify without even being aware of how ridiculous they actually are by actually exposing their own self-dishonesty while believing that it is with which they justify how it’s other’s fault now that they feel not moving ahead or being stuck.

Some even removed their own blog what wrote along the years, like trying to delete that part of evidence that they walked thus far – it’s such an interesting phenomenon. All of a sudden they do not want this part of their life to be visible, noticed, seen.

When I started to make VLOGs(video logs, talking to camera), I was a completely different person and if I’d look back the videos I did back there, the things I’ve said, reacted to, I could easily become ashamed of who I was by thinking ‘What if someone watches that video and to think this is who I am?’
But this is a process – takes years and I want it to be visible, from the start, because then the whole flow of change is more transparent so to speak.

It’s not about who I was when I started, neither who I am today, but what direction I accumulate practical steps towards within what starting point and principle.

Everyone has different mind-setup, their own ‘cross’ to carry until being able to transcend it and most of us probably requires support at crucial times what one has to be self-honest with self to acknowledge and ask for support. If does not do that, then might feel being stuck, overwhelmed, disappointed, then losing direction and the mind re-gains the momentum and the person starts to justify, blame, project and eventually quit. That’s just sad but I’ve seen it many times and it’s not personal and I usually do not ‘care’ too much about it, rather to merit more commitment to focus to my own process to ensure I do not make the same mistakes I can recognize others making.

I just had a big sigh at this moment as I wrote it, I am relieved that I could write this down and concluding it with what’s relevant here, is what I can take responsibility for, and in this moment is my own mind, body, beingness relationship, the breathing process to correct and re-align, continue walking the Desteni I Process online courses, which is the greatest study and journey I’ve ever started.

Self-forgiveness to be aware of the specificity of the details of this pattern to support awareness for practical prevention and self-direction to change in the moments to face:

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that whenever I experience change, signs of change, specifically about breaking a pattern with which I have the habit to sabotage/suppress/disregard my breathing to the natural, full and present way, I judge this experience of change and start caring about this experience, more than actually the change itself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I allowed myself to move only to the point of being able to judge myself as the experience of change and then based on that judgement and energetic reaction to that unconsciously stating, categorizing to my process, myself as ‘now everything is alright’, ‘I am already changing’, ‘I have changed’, so not needing to discipline myself for applying the movement, direction and practical application for this particular change anymore by the belief, that it is done.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I will manifest real change only if I not only apply the direction, movement, realignment, but also literally becoming it to the point of no need to focus, maintain, upkeep it’s application, which descriptions by the way actually reveal the counteraction, balancing over, actually momentarily changing my behavior, but not actually changing entirely, consistently and constantly, but only to the experience of change, which is not real and it will not last.

I forgive myself that I have not been able and dare to ask and answer the question why not fully changing, why only to pursuit the experience of change and not realizing that within self-honesty, I was after the experience of change, instead of real change, because of believing that experience equals who I am and not realizing that experience will not last, based on circumstances, trigger points, energy and if I put my starting point to experience instead of self-direction, presence, awareness, then I will not be able to birth myself as real, stable, consistent, constant self.

I forgive myself that I have identified myself with experience, as believing that experience is fact and trust experience instead of trusting awareness, as myself, direction as myself, self-honesty, as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that to stop walking a point within self-honesty until it’s not fully done, really-changed, cross-referenced, consistent and constant here as myself within unification is self-dishonesty and undermines self-trust, because as I stop walking the point before really changed, then I will allow the points within myself what I have not yet become aware of and thus directed to practical change – these points will continue to be applied, accumulated, thus directing my expression, and thus who I am, therefore real change will be accumulated to tip over and actually turn back.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within the process of self-honesty, if I did not walk through a point to the utmost specificity, then the point will direct me, which I will realize later and I will react with frustration, disappointment, inner friction, which is unnecessary and actually counter-productive, as I know myself enough to realize that I will stand at the same point later and will realize the self-honesty and requirement to change again, and I will have to walk this point again.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that walking a point and then stopping and then walking again is actually time looping and can be prevented by applying discipline, consistency, and meticulous application of the process tools of writing and sounding self-forgiveness to see if I am specific enough, understanding enough, not waving and being stable within the realization and decision of the specific self-dishonesty to stand up to within practical application to stop the not supporting pattern once and for all.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I stop for a moment within application of self-honesty and change and if I judge myself on how much I’ve progressed based on experiences, I go into self-separation as I become the observer and also the observed and then I judge based on memories, polarity, comparing based on my interest, which cannot be trusted and if I really want to assess my current location within the process of walking self-dishonesty to real transcendence, then I should focus on facts, manifested consequences and not experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘use’ process of self-honesty only when I am frustrated, uncomfortable by my self-dishonesty and use it for re-gain my comfortability, the experience of control, the experience of self-honesty, instead of live the word and really become and constantly be self-honesty.

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those who stop applying the process of self-honesty for real, meaning stopping the writing, sharing, self-forgiveness and change as believing they are lost within their mind battle as giving up by the power of excuses and justifications and then judging them as fools and feel sorry for them and not realizing that within those moments I actually project out my own self-judgement as I only judge what I have done within my own process and not realizing the exact points, self-dishonesties, self-acceptances within my own life, personality, process where I am still giving up by not realizing, not stopping, not changing my own points of self-dishonesties, which are my utmost and primal responsibilities.

When and as I judge someone as losing it, giving up, being fool, feel regret, sorry for the individual who stops applying the tools of self-honesty, self-forgiveness, self-correction within humbleness, when they prefer knowledge over self-trust, I stop and take a breath and realize – I am projecting out my own judgement towards myself and I check, what is the point I am actually not changing, but I could, where within myself I still accept self-dishonesty what I should and in fact could stop?

I commit myself to consistently and constantly walk the self-realization process with investigating, understanding, taking responsibility for all self-dishonesty I still accept and allow and whenever I stop moving, applying, if there is a day wherein I do not express self-honesty, self-forgiveness, self-direction and real, practical change, then I have given up on myself based on experience, judgement, excuse and justification myself, which I have to stop and re-align with absolute self-honesty by going back to the simplest, yet most effective tools, which are writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction, self-commitment and make the stand to really change.

I commit myself to challenge myself every day to walk points and to dare to push through each and every single resistances I face along the way, and if a resistance is so powerful, then I investigate the resistance itself and decompose it and take it step by step and accumulate practical understanding and real change breath by breath, minute by minute, day by day until I am becoming the change I want to see within my life, in the world as equal as one.

Day 293 – Driving self-correction reflection

img_4874Yesterday I wrote about going into reactions and losing presence, thus not breathing effectively, ‘properly’ within awareness here while driving and brought up the most relevant patterns I encounter on the road.

I was bringing up a lot of situations wherein I find it more common sense to not to react, not to take personally, not to lose direction and effective driving.

Today I was looking at what is changed in relation to driving since I wrote that yesterday, to further specify and accumulate the change I work on within myself.

In the morning I had at least three times when I was seeing that I would go into reaction, like ‘come on guys, go faster now’ or ‘what the hell you are doing?’ when some other driver does an unusual, illegal or even dangerous move on the road. Also something I’ve noticed is that there is a computer game I’ve played recently, a shooter, wherein I fight hordes of demons and when they injure you, the character I control shouts like ‘Motherf**ker!’ with a specific, angry, hurt tone and it was quite automatic that I said that word once today in relation to a car’s move in front of me. Well it’s kind of funny, nothing serious, but I see that this is related to judgement to that person, and behind that it’s a judgement within myself towards something I did not want to see then: that what the person did surprised me, did not like for some reason I also was not aware of, such as feeling like I have to slow down, I have to avert his car for instance.

Well, it’s nothing serious here, but when going upwards on a big hill, I have to slow down, shift down, use the clutch, the brake, the gearshift, maybe not just once, but 2-3 times, then also involving e-brake(handbrake). Well, it’s quite natural movement to do so, I do not need to think about it to execute it, so it should not be problem, but at times still being annoyed by.

Also I drive a diesel car, which warms up a bit slower than a petrol one; thus often, in the mornings, when I climb up the hill in the city through heavy traffic, I should be gentle with the engine until it’s warmed up properly, but sometimes it feels like all these stops and starts while maintaining the fluidity of the traffic, it’s just sometimes seems uncool to the car too.

Well, probably it’s not a huge problem, but in an ideal world, sometimes I’d be more gentle with the car until it’s totally warmed up engine-wise.

Also, there is this expectation that as I leave home quite late, there should be no heavy traffic anymore, but sometimes is, there can be an accident, roadwork, some really slow vehicles, indeed an old and/or slow dude/dudette is driving at front,  whatever; so all of these can still feel like influencing my direction by giving into judgments and reactions, which I see necessary to further specify, stop, forgive and transcend. Just a note to self.

Again: nothing serious, probably I could be perceived as already/still below than an average/most of the car driver human’s reaction, but here we deal with self-honesty and self-perfection in terms of decomposing, stopping and transcending all the patterns of self-dishonesty and self-limitation, so let’s keep specifying.

Backwards, at night, when I drove home, I had a passenger, and when I was talking with him, some of my attention was ‘with him’ and I did not judge that much about the road conditions, rather was observing the situation and handling accordingly.

I also have to share that there were also several times when I was able to become aware of this pattern of going into judgement and I was able to say ‘NO’ and re-align immediately to focus to driving itself without going into judgement and reaction.

Well, I could go into much-much more details on what is happening on my daily driving, such as there is only one lane on most of the mountain road part and there are buses and it’s kind of obligatory to support the bus to come out from it’s stop and that also means I have to slow down, even stop sometimes, and then follow the slow bus behind for a while and just this, predictable, all the time happening re-occurring event what can bring up in terms of me reacting to this and and other drivers behavior.

Or even there are some tight time-windows from specific green lights to be able to go through another before getting the red light, and some of those red lights are quite long, like 1-2 minutes too, and if those add together, I can literally get to my destination 8-15 minutes later. This itself does not justify to speed, but certainly adds to the actual practical knowledge of when to push the gas a bit harder and when it’s completely useless. And even prior to this knowledge, not to be overconfident and expect the best outcome and then get frustrated when it does not play out like that.

I go into details to just demonstrate that specificity matters and within any every day re-occurring event, activity or interaction within the ‘system’ one can use it as an opportunity to get to know thyself further, to discover self-limitation, self-dishonesty and to find their reasons, how those are being re-and recreated at what trigger points to empower oneself to be able to stop those patterns. There is no such moment when one should waste not to apply self-honesty, or if still existing such perception/belief, that should be also investigated and stopped with the same tools applied here.

It does not need to be perceived as completely wasted times, when for instance getting that 2 minutes red light, and just because there was a slow truck carrying glass windows that I should become frustrated. It’s actually quite silly and foolish, especially if this happens every day, all the time. I can go through all my presence, mind, body, beingness in that 1-2 minutes, to see if there is built up tension, pressure, thought-pattern, worry, desire, and I can enjoy breathing and re-aligning with real self here in physical reality.

And another point I want to bring up – is that often the source, origin of ‘moody’ behavior is not even regards to driving and traffic exclusively, but also what’s influencing me in that morning, like what thoughts, problems, emotions I experience and why.

For instance I will have a random amount of bill soon and if I go into worry of not being able to pay for it and at the same time to afford to buy firewood for the winter, to pay for dentist, to buy enough food and also to travel to family and support them and in the meantime considering everything and to be also become frustrated by each and accumulating that during a simple morning shower – well, it’s also not unusual for an ordinary human to get ‘worked up’ before even getting dressed or sitting into the car, stepping up to the bus, arriving at work, etc.

That’s why it’s essential to invest time and effort to work with our mind, our thoughts, reactions, patterns, personality manifestations + at the same time to develop body and physical presence awareness, real intimacy with being here, ‘bodywork’, giving the time and space to slow down within and to find little moments of pure self-expression without any fear or desire, past or future.

I also could already move ahead with another point and leaving this driving point behind by stating, well, I’ve wrote stuff about it, became aware of quite several patterns of it, I am DONE, NEXT.

It’s also quite supporting to stick to a point and walk it through until it’s really-really owned, meaning I am clear, directive, nothing moves me, I am here, this is who I am.

Well, it’s a process in terms of driving, but I just commit here to continue investigating, decomposing, correcting, forgiving myself until I am naturally present without any reaction. I do not know when that would occur, maybe never, but it does not matter, this is what’s here today, that’s where I am directing myself towards: to discover more patterns, to stop I am already being aware of and keep expressing, exploring, sharing and living.

One last point – reflecting back to the apparently less related point of ‘motherf**ker’ remark I did – this also can open up a whole lot of dimensions of self-identification, like ‘what’s cool’ and why seems to be cool and awesome to curse, what it feels like, what I experience gaining, but when walking a point, a dimension, a pattern, most of the time overlapping, another points will come up and although it’s great to note them, but not to be distracted by, jumped over – except when it seems common sense to open up, and work through that aspect first in order to continue working through the current point I walk through.

The ‘everything is interconnected’ is never a worn-out phrase here – if I ‘work’ on driving, it does not mean I would not get, develop, manifest, substantiate insights, realizations, practical and effective self-correction ‘spreading’ to another aspects of my life. Patience is a decision, which can accumulate into self-trust, self-direction, discipline, what obviously can be applied at all aspects of life. That’s why it’s also common sense to walk through a point really, because often cannot be foreseen what benefits I might manifest, until I really am clear of any reactions in regarding to that point/aspect/scenario.

Again – that’s why writing is extremely supportive here – written word remains, I do not think about it, so my head can become clear, and it’s in front of me, and remains so, therefore I can return to it, continue with it, this is really awesome.

Thanks, enjoy, bye

Day 291 – Breath Self-forgiveness

dsc_1010So Self-forgiveness here it is within the continuation of the previous post:

  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not be aware of when I do in-breathe more intensely than out-breathing, because believing that ‘taking a deep breath’ is what helps me to be here, present, stable, and not realizing that it’s not about the ‘breathed in’ amount of air, but the whole in-and out process, when sustained within presence.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have the tendency and habit to go into reactions in my mind, and then resulting to suppress my breathing, to hold my breath back in order to try to stimulate and enhance presence and direction and not realizing that it’s not really working, but as it’s supporting the energetic experiences in my mind to be ‘more intensely’ be present and aware with energetic experience and then I allowed myself to believe that this is supportive.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the intensity I feel and defined to require to ‘become here‘ with the energetic experiences, reactions in the mind is the the manifested and accumulated consequence of my self-definition and identification as the mind which from there is a resistance to ‘get out‘, ‘get through‘, what I believed to require the energy for, what I then try to accumulate with reactions, anger, frustration, fear, and other self-manipulative automatic self-stimulations.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that any anger and frustration I feel is actually the acknowledgement of that I am limiting myself and regardless of any type or target of my anger, it’s always towards me and what I do accept and allow in the first place.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I rely on solving, preventing anger and frustration to stop based on the subject, the target I try to control, avoid, manipulate, suppress, then I am actually akcnowledging the fact that I am powerless to stop what I do within myself in my mind, for what I’ve given permission to automatically judge, react, become angry and frustrated.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the practical common sense and direct self-honesty within focusing to these points, conditions, experiences, frustrations, angers and reactions of breathing properly and to ensure it’s not compromised within any circumstances by realizing that less effective, present, directive and well I am when disregarding, suppressing, sabotaging my natural and full cycle of breathing process.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the actual support within any difficulty I face, experience and feel when deciding to breath normally, properly, fully, present here, because those are the tips of the icebergs I really have to open up, investigate and understand, and thus I can support myself with ‘learning’ breathing properly AND at the same time unlearning the reactions, the causes of those reactions within my mind based on the words and their realitionships, my relationship to those words I can reveal and decompose and apply self forgiveness to be aware of and prepare myself to be able to stop.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that there is this energetic household within my mind what is being re-and regenerated with these reactions in order to always fuel and ‘lubricate’ my mind to be reactive and always ready to project, justify, judge, project out responsibility in order to keep within this reactive, preoccupied state.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that there is a personality what I’ve created upon this energetic reactive mind household to protect it’s existence, by justifying it with actual points of powerlessness, meaning why I should accept any emotional state what makes me off-balance in order to then find a balance point later and not realizing that by looking at the bigger picture, the whole cycle, I am actually enslaved of this mechanism and feeling up and down, never present, directive, really-really here.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to submit myself into these energetic cycles in order to gain this apparent ‘mind velocity intensity’, believing that it’s required to focus, to discipline what’s here, and not realizing that it’s actually a physical shock what is causing my natural breathing to flow, and my attention is on these energetic reactions, thus not realizing and not re-aligning my suppressed, sabotaged breathing in and as the flesh here.
  • I forgive myself that I have not committed myself to remember these situations and only relying to ‘awake’ within these situations when I already recognizing the pattern of suppressing breath and then working through, instead of ‘marking’ the specific, numbered amount of situations, conditions, when this can occur, so then I can be aware of the pattern BEFORE participating to ensure to PREVENT myself suppressing/disregarding the necessity to re-align with physical, effective breathing here.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have allowed myself to lose presence and effective, self-honest breathing when I am becoming frustrated, angry, reactive, judgemental, emotional, and not realizing that the two supports each other, but not me here: the more I am emotional and reactive, the less I am aware of the breath here, and the more I am not aware of the breath here, the more I am becoming reactive, emotional and thus compromising breathing to the point of becoming unstable from the improper breathing and the overwhelming reactions as well.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the practical common sense within enlisting all of the points within my daily participation wherein I react to specific situations, words, images, experiences and thus always become reactive first, then realizing that I am within a pattern.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I am uncertain, stressed, tired, exhausted, judgmental and preoccupied, I am not supporting my human physical body to breath properly, thus creating friction within me, which then creates more reaction in my mind, then creating more friction, to more pre-occupied me to disregard physical presence awareness.
  • I forgive myself that I have not considered to give some moments to my presence, body, awareness here, right then, when I start experiencing reactions, and not realizing that the reason for it is because I’ve invested within the self-conviction, self-definition, self-judgement that this specific reaction I have to believe, follow, react to and not realizing it’s source, which is doubt, fear, uncertainty, instability.

So what I recognize as pattern is a some sort of spiritualization of breath, the self-separation from physical presence, instead of being participant, being an observer primarily, and then based on the reactions to observation, categorization, automatically reacting, and based on trigger points to these reactions starting to act, do, respond to reality. First of all, it’s late, because the moment is gone, and in the same moment I am interpreting, so when I ‘come out’ with the result of mind-process(thought, feeling, emotion), there is another moment. At times it’s ok, sometimes it’s obviously ‘slow’.

It’s actually a resonant fear, not to expose myself directly into reality, but through the shield of mind, the bubble of my interest of preserving the ideas and perceptions what I believe I could lose in case of direct experience of what’s here.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, categorize, actually totemize and praise the breathing to superimpose it to be more than what it is and not allowing myself to directly feel, and be the breath, but to react to my own definitions in relation to the act of breathing, which is actually an escape from reality here.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to investigate and word the exact specific point I am afraid from when I categorize, define, react to the ‘idea’ of breathing, and thus making myself believe of what it is and what I should feel and not standing up to the habit of categorization and let all go and just breathe, feel it, push myself to be in and as the body here.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized and understood that the moment I react in my mind, I miss the moment here, and regardless of what I think, feel or react, that moment I missed completely.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear from losing who I perceive myself to be when I do not have shield, bubble, self-definition, protection in my mind, but to be vulnerable, open, direct here.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to program myself to avoid pain at all cost and mark all possible scenarios what could result in physical, emotional or mental pain and define my personality as who I am according to this pattern, habit and need of avoiding pain within the fear of it would change me and I would lose who I am what I am holding onto as perceiving that this definition of what I think of me is who I am and not realizing that it’s just data, what I convinced myself to identify myself with in the hope that this information can help me avoiding to lose what I believe having.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that in a way actually the only think I have is my human physical body, it’s breathing process and all I do with and as it as who I am, and if it’s compromised, sabotaged, suppressed in any way whatsoever, then no matter what more, else I perceive, define having, those are empty convictions in order to mesmerise and delude, hypnotize and deceive myself to be more than actually I am.
  • I commit myself to stand up to the fear and recognize that it’s unknown what I fear, the aspect, part and wholeness of who I really am and the more I resist facing, embracing, realizing, experiencing and living myself, the more fear I will experience until the point of manifesting consequences of self-separation, self-sabotage and self-doubt, thus I recognize this pattern and I stop and I sort out all the resistances, suppression I accept and allow in regarding to breathing here naturally, consistently within physical presence.
  • I commit myself to list all the points I get reacted to with breath-suppression, intense thought-emotion patterns to become aware of the points I have to embrace and develop practical self-trust to be able to face and understand, take responsibility for and breath into and as direct self-expression.

The list comes here, not full, just to name the most obvious ones I see at this moment:

  • Driving to/through a situation wherein I do not feel absolute certain about I am going to successfully solve – or situations I previously had difficulty with, or have a memory regarding to in relation to problem, fear, loss.
  • Working on something for a while and still hitting wall and not being able to figure out the solution and others, who are waiting/dependent on my part to be done are asking how it’s going.
  • Talking to a woman who I believed, thought that she could be potential partner, thus having the belief that I should be cautious and aware of how I express myself as there is a stake here of losing the chance of she would become my partner.
  • I am being attacked, bullied by people who apparently seriously do not respect me but want to use/abuse me.
  • I do something physical and keep making mistakes and becoming pissed off not successfully solving it.
  • Playing a computer game and at a level, cannot win/kill certain enemies, one after another success – especially, when the winning is so close after a long struggle, and then in the last moment losing and having to start it all again.
  • Computer, internet, gadget freezing on me, becoming slow and I start to become annoyed as expecting it to be working 100% perfectly by the belief that I paid a lot and enough to not have this failure.

I see, realize and understand that I only can breathe one at a time, and the in and out is equal, and at the same way, I only can face and solve, transcend and change one point at a time within physical real time, thus I re-define presence with breathing in and out equally, with physical, mind and beingness awareness to accumulate self-trust, self-direction and actual living.

As I write about it, I see(feel) within my chest, that even at times when I do not experience accumulating this pressure there, it’s here with me, in my imprint and it’s not enough to ‘clear it’ from time to time, but to be able to consistently prevent myself to suppress breathing and the only way to free myself from this way of suppression is to work through all the patterns defined in my mind, practically change within the triggering situations in real life.

To be continued with decomposing the self-belief, hope and expectation, annoyance and actual fear behind these points to assist and support myself to recognize the tendency before engaging into these situations, so then I would be able to remember, ‘here is where I breathe in and out with presence, WHILE facing and solving these situations’ – thus re-writing my ‘code’ of behavior, beingness and totally saying NO to reaction, also by knowing myself that I do not have to FEAR in these moments to lose myself, because I am aware of that I trust myself, I do all I can do get through this, and then actually that is all I can ever be, and this is who I am and what I commit myself to express.

Also important part is the strive for control, fear of losing it, and I’ve explored from multiple angles already, but the obsession with perfection, which is also another form of fear, fear of failure, which can result in not self-supportive, not common sensical control.

Click and listen to Self-support on inbalance in Emotions and Feelings at EQAFE