Day 334 – Re-aligning to Live Words: Love

IMG_3069One of my major realizations in life is that humans do not Live Words actually. Certainly Think, Feel, Speak and Act, and these various forms of ‘word usages’ are rarely within harmonious unification with each other, which results a sort of cognitive dissonance, inner conflict and lack of self-honesty.

What I mean is that when I think, feel, speak and do a word the same way – then I am honoring myself and others with being the same within thought, word and deed, unconditionally, without positive or negative, without self-interest, no resistance or fear.

Let’s start with the most common word, which is a very important one: LOVE.

Just today I’ve posted a lot of images on social media about my ‘loved ones’.

This could be confusing for those who walk the process of Self-honesty, and within the community often can be read that ‘love is deception, delusion, self-interest and manipulation’.

Well, I’ve been there, I realized it, I worried about it, I’ve walked a process with it and what I have realized is that the Process of Self-honesty does not end by forgiving myself for describing and realizing how exactly I’ve abused myself and the words, others and thus live itself in a way, but then once I am seeing clearly of what I should not do, it’s just the beginning of an other phase: re-defining words.

As I have realized in relation to the word LOVE, that my previous self-definition, pre-defined patterns of experiences and interactions, starting points and affections were not self-honest, I have committed myself to STOP myself participating within such patterns and preventing myself to make the same mistakes again by giving into energetic experiences to be more than these actually are to the degree of disregarding actual reality, facts and in fact others as well.

I had multiple relationships previously, wherein I was convincing myself that my affection, sexual desire, exciting feelings towards someone is love actually, meanwhile it was not consistent, was based on polarity, based on what I perceive positive for myself and at the end all turned out to be not really being real, as a bubble – bursted in an instant. Then I was finding myself with this crappy experience and emotion of loss and sadness, when I realized that I was following a mirage in the desert which was not real, and eventually I had to wake up.
Or if I did not dare/want to wake up, then slowly accumulating manifested consequences showed me what’s really real, thus my delusions, confusion and self-dishonesty.

After walking some years of Self-forgiveness, I was postponing to head on to topics, which I believed to be ‘great’, ‘huge’, ‘difficult’, and I am sure the word and all my memories, associations and beliefs, desires and fears about it – and how I defined all of this in relation to the ‘size’ of this point to be honest about – that LOVE is the most difficult one, so I postponed until I could.

Currently walking into responsible life-partnership and I found myself being comfortable to hear, say and express LOVE as never before.

I even projected out my self-dishonesties about it towards my previous partners, and as they do not walk the very specific, disciplined and extremely effective Desteni I Process online course and structured awareness-support tools, they just could not understand why I have difficulty in relation to any form of connection to LOVE.

Nowadays I find myself much-much more grounded and trust-able in terms of what I decide and say, I will do, which is in a way also related to how to LIVE words, so that they are powerful, not just empty words, because if I say so, I do so as well.

So when I posted today pictures about my LOVED ONES – I specifically found myself comfortable and ready, open and stable about it to see/realize and understand what I mean by really LIVING these words, not as a feeling, as self-interest, as energy, as consciousness personality patterns, but actually bringing into reality of how I am re-defining of how to live LOVE.

I’ve been looking this word since quite a long time, even by investigating the context and story of Jesus, as ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself’, or ‘Give as you would like to receive’, which is a great support when I could become uncertain about how to relate or interact with others, or hey: even myself!

Many people forget this point that I should love myself, and many just say or assume they do, but it’s also a question of ‘what it actually and really means to love?’

Support:

Instead of focusing to a generically defined ‘overwhelming experience’ – how about to look at specifying self-expression?

Instead of focusing to the attraction experience itself toward my partner, which is about actually myself, focus to what actions, interactions, communications I initiate, move, direct and share in physical reality.

I mean, it’s common sense – any love which is only within my bucket of feelings – is meaningless and ONLY the action, the manifested consequence, what actually involves others can be real.

So, when couples keep saying ‘I love you’ all the time and they do not openly and honestly communicate, when there is spite, unsaid, unheard expectation, judgement, it’s better to talk about it and get to practical agreement and conclusion, otherwise any reoccurring thought-feeling-emotion pattern would just grow within the individual(s), thus the thought, word and action of Love is not exactly the same and that’s problem, a separation.

So, when I say LOVE – I check, if I am unified within thought, word and deed, what is common sense, what should be priority, how to manifest it and am I doing everything I can within the principles I’ve committed myself to exist in relation to myself, my family and the whole world?

Is there any hidden agenda, fear, uncertainty, judgement or desire what makes me think or feel automatically, and within those moments I am not fully present, directive and actually self-honest?

And it’s normal if something comes up, in relation to past, or in the present, or even about the future, this does not mean to live like a monk with being extremely focused all the time, like stretching a muscle to not fall out from presence – that’s also indication of resistance, fear for a reason – again: self-dishonesty.

Just to be able to open up a point when appears, while not fall into it, from stability and reliability to reactions and in case of I can’t re-align, forgive and solve it, I communicate, I ask for support, openly, honestly and directly.

For me walking DIP Agreement Course for more than a year literally meant to be able to learn a lot about myself, as everyone wants to establish love and partnership, relationship and agreement with a nice partner, but it actually starts with Self: to know myself enough, to answer what I really want, honestly, what parts, personalities, wants and fears within me I accept and allow and what of those are the points of self-dishonesty and how can I sort them out?

For instance jealousy – it can literally kill relationship and marriage. So how can I establish an agreement with myself first on how to deal with it in case of it would appear? And then I investigate what is this within me – before even having a partner, or if I already have, still, working on this point before the ‘thing’ would ‘happen’.
And I agree on what to do, how to solve it, how I stand and what is self-honest – BEFORE an emotional shit-storm would hit me and I would be overwhelmed, distracted and completely preoccuppied.

It’s just an example of how to work with agreement and my responsibility is my ‘loved ones’ and family, yes, but primarily is to be able to establish and live the same with myself first, as this might sound strange, to have relationship with myself, but exactly it is what can support, so when difficulties come, I am prepared and I can remain stable within the ‘love’ and ‘family’.

In a way – it’s maybe easier and more simple and direct to sort out when it’s about myself. For instance: although jealousy might 2 people’s point to solve, it’s something I accept within myself, therefore it’s entirely my responsibility to solve and in a way it does not matter how the other behaves. I still can establish what I accept and allow, or what we agree on and what to expect then, but it must be very clear communication to prevent any unforeseen and thus automatically escalating issue. Or to have an agreement between me and my partner on how to solve not yet agreed upcoming issues.

The thing is that if I rely to emotions and feelings of love to keep the relationship/marriage together, then I am actually relying to something what is not Self – as the happy feelings can come and go, and without those energies if I can’t remain stable and reliable, then I am just a rag doll in the wind. Especially if I don’t understand how and why feelings are within me in relation to the relationship, the other participant.

So, by looking the word love and what’s behind it within me, how to ensure that I stick to the ‘plan’ of Living and sharing my Love the best way possible, the purification and re-definition of the word itself is suggested.

Consider what are the conditions of your love towards your ‘loved ones’? Is there any? What is unconditional within it and what do you think why?

If I fear that the happy feeling would disappear when I would start asking these questions, because this might mean doubt, then I also should ask the question: Do I fully understand how a thought, an emotion or a feeling is being created, experienced, reacted to within my mind? What can I trust and why?

To think that all of my mind, thoughts and feelings are just good as they are ‘automatically’, that my family’s education, the world system’s imprinting was just perfect, so I am already the best version of myself and no need, no place for improvement – then I am maybe not honest with myself. Again, for a reason, what should be understood.

Enjoy, love, share:

Tala Joseph

Day 333 – Worry and dealing with it

IMG_0532Today writing about Worry. I think I have been trough this recently.

I am stable in this moment, thus it’s time to look back, what was happening, why and to see, how to move forward from this.
I have committed myself to do several things of what I never did before and while finding my stable ground, learning practical experiences within these various ‘new’ areas, I am facing with some stumbling experience within.

I must clarify – I am much more stable than I ever was before, but still there is place for improvement, which might seem as some sort of obsession and mental fixation to strive for Self-Perfection, but it is nothing of that kind. It’s simply by looking into me and to answer the question –

Am I absolutely, brutally self honest about this very specific point I am looking at in this moment?

And if no, then I must change, otherwise I accumulate acceptance of self-dishonesty – willingly, which leads to where I exactly know what is, as I’ve been there before, that’s where I am actually ‘coming from’ here, also through this blog sharing, The Journey to Life, from self-dishonesty to dignity and honoring the best possible version of myself.
Recently I wrote a letter to someone, wherein I explained this (actually it’s a desteni interview with Gurdjieff, who I quoted, but that 2-3 minutes assisted me tremendously, thus I like to share it, maybe someone else also could find it supportive.)

The time for unification is here, I like this word, that’s why it’s my blog’s title as well, what I started in 2008: because if I put myself into and as these words:

I am already a unified man.

Then from this starting point I am able to see, feel and understand what I still have to open up, purify, remove and let go of from my core of my very being and thus to move forward, consistently without any doubt.

Worry, fear, doubt, uncertainty, fear of loss are certainly not unknown for me, especially within my conscious, thinking mind, thus I have the ability to deal with them in a way, what’s constructive and not just distraction and suppression, but actual, problem-preventive solution.
What I feel nowadays is a bit different, it’s more physical, deeper and direct as now my conscious mind is not blocking my way to do what I really want, but when I face with new situation, I can definitely hear my heartbeat in my ear and to realize that I only have myself in this moment to apply.

It’s similarly heightened experience, when one would imagine being in the jungle among wild animals and it’s about being in this moment, but not too afraid, because that would petrify or distract me.
It’s actually very self-empowering to see that who I really am is not really getting hurt or getting disappointed with rejections, mistakes or failures, as my current situation is not surviving in jungle against beasts, so it’s just a symbolism.

But still, there is this inherent, physical, resonant worry I feel and often it goes away as I move through it and I discover ‘an unknown’, I learn and expand, and some returns from time to time, until I do not become honest with myself about it and find a practical solution.
I used to be addicted to fear, at least a decade ago, I proudly shouted to anyone, I am not afraid of anything, but in fact, first and foremost, I was so afraid from myself, to be present, honest and truly open with myself. It’s so obvious, that if someone does not fear anyone, can face the worst in this world – they still can be afraid of themselves, it’s completely different scenario.

Actually, also myself, I was fueling my acting out as of not-fearing in the world by the inherent inner fear I constantly experienced on a physical, resonant level, just in relation and towards myself, here.
Sounds horrible, but I am sure of many, many people can relate to this, just maybe never explored their word-set to be able to write or say it as directly as exists.

Facing all I’ve ever done, from the nasty, the selfish, the evil – even if I am being considered as such a nice guy, each moment matters, not only in the mind, but within and as our physical body we accumulate. Each thought, feeling and emotion is being created, going through and essentially affecting, influencing, in a way transforming our own body, every day, hour and minute, constantly. Literally resonating, like a sound vibration energy, and thus, to believe that it does affect would be just unwise.

To be able to face, understand, stop and start changing our conscious mind, when the so praised ‘no thoughts’ can start to expand is just the first step within true transcendence of self-dishonesty and self-limitation.
It is, and always was and will be, our human physical body, the source and destination, which through – and as – we only can truly live in each moment.

After(and still) walking Desteni I Process courses since several years now, I see, that there is so much ahead, but without these years I’ve already walked, I still would be lost within my mind.

So, in short: physical body support, there are many more minds to transcend. The greatest ever made online ‘university‘ about transcendence, true psychology and the science of the human psyche is obviously EQAFE.COM.
There is nothing even slightly similar online what could be compared to this vast amount of theoretical and practical information database about how humans work from the consciousness and mind level.

I am grateful that this exists, especially the group behind it, who are truly inspirational within their consistent and restless effort to keep sharing more and more refined and relevant interviews to support real change and the betterment of humanity.
This is what I am going to do also: for my personal experience, resonant worry, facing the physical mind, to be able to take responsibility for this type of self-resistance and limitation, I check for interviews at EQAFE.COM.

After a minute, I’ve found a lot of support about worry:
https://eqafe.com/p/self-forgiveness-on-the-experience-of-worry

I just read this aloud several pages – I understand more about the nature of my worry, as walking through various aspects, starting points and dimensions of worry and I saw my own fear of loss, wanting to control, which then I can open up further to assist and support myself to be able to use my time much more effectively than spending it to useless, actually counter-productive worry.

So, even when I am not actively thinking about, still worry can be result of participating within it in the past and can be triggered by scenarios, experiences and it might even seems to be so direct that I could believe(justify) that this is so inherent that it’s part of me, who I am, but in fact it’s self-dishonesty to say something like that.

Also when people, parents justify their worry to the point of becoming ineffective, it’s self-dishonest.
I also see now, to look after a child, and when does something dangerous in the moment, it’s kind of scary, I have to jump to catch him, otherwise would suffer an accident. But I see that worry does not help, rather to be on point, disciplined, focused, present and to ensure that I do all I can to prevent the problems I would worry about.

  • So this is also a great way to transform, re-define worry, to use it creatively, with active, self-directed imagination, not that I would allow it to roam free and I become this worry-wart.
  • When I see worry, I stop, see what is the nature, subject and relationship of it and I see what I can do to ensure, this is prevented?And to also actually see, that there is place for worry if I am not doing everything I can to prevent the thing I worry about to happen.

Well, it’s actually common sense, as if I do all I can, there is no place and time for worry, right?

  • So whenever I worry, it’s a cross-referencing self-reflection point of I am not focusing to solution/prevention, thus I should re-align, self-forgive and initiate self-directed action.

Another support about worry:

Yes, for these interviews/documents, there is a price, but if I look at that an ordinary dinner in Europe is about 15-20 Euro, so to be able to stand up to and learn a lot about how to deal with worry, for a lifetime – I’d gladly support those, who do every day work for these interviews to become on-line(they are no corporation, no government support, just some very cool people)

Day 328 – Beauty continued to decompose

IMG_2251-EditContinuing with beauty. Particularly supportive this at the moment in my life.

Not as I would have problem with beauty or experience something beautiful, I guess it is quite nice. However who I am as life within absolute self-honesty brings up the realization and necessity of purifying this word: beauty to be able to directly experience, live and express without polarity, memories from the past, desires to the future, but anchored into and as this moment, right here, in and as the physical.

Why always bringing up the word and specificity of ‘physical‘?

What do I mean beauty in relation to the physical? Certainly sounds as I would mean to judge someone’s appearance according to the physical image. But it’s quite not.

It is NOT TO judge the person through the mind, about the interpretation of the physical picture, as beyond that there is equality existing on the physical substance awareness level.

In the current world, culture, or even ‘ancient scriptures’ – this is barely mentioned.

Everything of this system guides truth seekers towards consciousness, energy, mind, the light, visuals, bliss and beauty, but the real and ultimate reality is within and as the physical substance awareness level. That is why it is crucial, highly recommended and absolutely supportive to at least grasp this paradigm, which is quite frankly, within it’s full spectrum, still only shared through EQAFE.com, supported with courses of http:/desteniiprocess.com. That is why I keep mentioning it, not of any personal agenda, it’s that awesome! Even with the fact that some interviews are only available for some dollars. Well, running such a website has some costs and the individuals are uploading are normal people, no corporation, government or billionaire behind it. So, for me, it’s rather EQAFE to spend to than for beer or fancy latte in a posh uptown groovy place.

During my entire life, since I’ve gained consciousness, I was looking for answers, truth and actual power, and everything is here, with me, in and as my human flesh also, as that is the only gate, the key which through I can really live. No matter, how beautiful visions, feelings I can experience, but if not lived in the flesh, then it’s just a stimulating simulation. That is why this process of transformation with words within the Journey to Life.
And indeed, takes 7 years, and actually more, but it is the greatest investment one can have as it is directly self here.

This self-purification and re-definition process can open up a more direct experience, relationship, communication and expression, which is not based on what I like and what I do not like, but something much more.

Thus, I become aware of the pattern by being honest with myself through for-GIVING myself the clarity of where and why, how and when I specifically give into self-dishonesty and I genuinely want to stop participating within those patterns. And if I stop, then I can be free of such self-limitation.

My entire life has been vastly stimulated by the idea of beauty, I was also compromising myself to gain, experience and trying to get hooked to the energetic reactions I’ve defined as positive feedback to my own self-created idea of beauty, beautiful, as value, as identity.

The fact that I needed and wanted to be stimulated by experience and feelings in relation to beauty indicates that I am separated from the meaning of beauty through these mind-and thought, and energetic feeling processes, therefore I can only become one and equal with beauty itself, through the mind, but still separated from me. And that is a trap, never satisfying, always changing, unreliable starting point to live by. Therefore to decompose all those thought, reaction patterns and to allow to be vulnerable, to be open and directly embrace and experience the things – beyond beauty. And then to explore, what and how I could re-define beauty, the word and the EXPRESSION, not just an experience of beauty without polarity, to be able to live it without separation and limitation. It’s quite extraordinary process. Just as with each words. That is I walk here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a ‘balancing out’ mode in my mind according to beauty, as whenever I recognize the pattern that I went into judging someone based on looks, such as ‘she is good looking’ – and then to say ‘and she is also beautiful within’. Or ‘she has no beautiful body, but within, she is beautiful. Or ‘she is beautiful, but her pants is ugly’ – meaning there is polarity, good and bad – according to my own preference, thus interest.

I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself to acknowledge that when I go into the ‘beauty within’ about a person, I am balancing out the polarity system in my mind from the judgement of the look, the picture, the image of a person, to be able to make myself believe that I am not only considering the image, the picture, as that would make me feel as someone not profound, only looking the visual and not the actual being within and not realizing that this is all self-manipulation and justification to keep judging based on positive and negative and relate to that within self-interest automatically, and within that not realizing the inherent self-acceptance for pure self-interest existing on a subconscious level.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the value is not real, of what I give into beauty and being attracted to experiences, persons of interest about that self-defined beauty energetic experience to be able to be triggered, because this value is only based on my pre-defined judgements. If I would not be able to recall my definitions, memories, I would lose the entire ‘beauty construct’, thus also indicating, I never really actually ‘had’ it, but I made myself being able to constantly and consistently re-create these patterns within me to experience beauty, through my mind, but never directly – and without asking why not? What is the fear, the loss I do not want to embark to?

I forgive myself that I have not realized that beauty itself is just a word, and what meaning I give to it, that defines and creates my experience, my expression and actual living about it, thus if it is based on compensation, fear, then that will always be part of it, and thus me, which in itself is not the beauty definition I really would like to live.

I forgive myself that I have not realized how and when and why I define myself as opposite of beauty, wanting to be beautiful, but feeling that I can’t, therefore wanting to find a source of beauty so to speak to be able to any time judge it as beautiful, therefore experience beauty and within that not seeing when and why I do that, as when lacking it, or automatically accepting self-definition about defining myself not beautiful, not nice, ugly, unattractive and not realizing that whole construct I never yet explored, forgiven and transcended, because believing that is not significant in my life, but if it is still existing, influencing me today, then it is surely a priority to deal with.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to re-define my rate of beauty according to norms in the world, society, movies, magazines, and based on that seeing some parts of my visual representation as not as perfect as it could be, therefore should be, yet not really doing anything about it, but only judging myself, because within self-honesty, I also see that I should not try to ‘make myself to be more beautiful’ as it is based on a delusion, a fear, and if I would start to act upon it, that would mean that I am more fucked that I can feel myself when simply defining myself not beautiful.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the main reason of the whole addiction to experiencing beauty as not trusting myself, not loving myself, not LIVING myself unconditionally to my utmost potential consistently, therefore instead of doing all I can, when not doing so, judging myself as ‘bad boy’, and within that judge experience activating inner conflict, based on the actual and real self-acceptance within the starting point of doubt, fear – and to deal with that inner conflict, to manipulate and stimulate myself into experiences, for instance with beauty, and here, as what is acceptable in the world system for instance, to ‘have a beautiful partner’. Or to be around people I could automatically judge as beautiful, therefore feeling the value and experience it and no need to look into myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within looking beauty outside of me, I am not taking responsibility for the inner conflict I allow and create and within that also realizing that why need to be beautiful and within that also not realizing that beauty is power as I defined it, therefore compensating power with it.

Within beauty what Power I want to have access to?

Obviously attraction, respect and also more chance to success and better support from others, although not really consciously.

This is also kind of key, especially towards leadership, so I stop here for now, and will continue to decompose the patterns just unfolded.

Meanwhile, enjoy breath, and do not allow self-interested beauty to take over the practical common sense.

Also not the best to balance out beauty with simply saying ‘everyone is beautiful, or a glass of water is beautiful too’, etc – that is still compensating, eventually will create the same construct within. So better to walk through this once and for all.
And yes, beyond, after and through that, still one can express beauty, live beauty, but not in a self-limiting, craving, common sense-blinding way.

Each and every single one of us has to see to what extent should walk through the self-limiting mind patterns, this is mine, do not compare it to yours, best to be just absolutely self-honest with yourself and you can discover what is self-dishonest and thus should be stopped.

After a decade of this process, life is still not ‘easier’ but my goodness, a million times simpler as now starting to be able to KNOW myself and how to deal with points, when to apply how much effort to change a pattern, a behavior, to stop a worry, a fear, a pre-judgement, a self-limitation. Maybe someone else never had any self-dishonesty about beauty, can be(but still worth a try to check). So, that is it for now, thanks, enjoy, bye.

Day 322 – Leadership opening up

IMG_1679Last time I was writing about being awkward. If I look beyond that self-limitation, there are a lot of points what I was suppressing as well.
Let’s look one particular point what started to open recently.

I was listening three of amazing EQAFE support interviews in regarding to Leadership

(links at the end of this post).

I’ve been circling around this word since a while and within my DIP PRO course assignment also pops up from time to time and the more I become honest with myself, this is an aspect of me, seeing the potential on how to expand with it, but it is also becoming clear that there is much work to do in order to birth that potential into life.

Thus, walking some memories, decomposing some constructs of my own relationship and personality of the word and it’s meaning of LEADER and LEADERSHIP.

Right away, there has always been a controversy of two opposite opinions about this within me: since my childhood, all I ever wanted is to have more power, possibilities and freedom, while on the other hand I have been accumulated so much willingness and desire to directly lack, deny and escape responsibility.

After many years, here I am and already realized that responsibility is the only way which through I can be really free of my self-limitation and powerlessness, thus since a while I specifically aim parts of my life wherein I am directing myself to open up and realize: where I am still not taking responsibility for myself and then(or at the same time) the world as well.

So I start with walking Self-forgiveness immediately, instead of sharing a lot of memories, because that is not really required here to start to see, as this point I have focusing to since a while in reflection to things happening in my personal, interpersonal and global life events, so I just directly apply practical understanding through actually taking responsibility with seeing what I have not yet acknowledged, but in a way, in the background, I have always known.

Self-forgiveness

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire leadership, to become a leader and not being honest with myself to see that this desire is fueled by my own powerlessness, insecurity and wanting to compensate values, aspects, abilities and personality traits of others, who I defined as more than who I perceive myself to be.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want power and efficiency, but not wanting to take responsibility for who I am, for the reactions, thoughts, feelings and emotions are happening within me, overwhelming, distracting, dis-empowering me, but directly wanting to exert power into the world, because then others would see how powerful I am and based on their reactions, I would feel myself more powerful.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself to see/realize/understand that I want to seem as powerful in order to be judged as powerful, so then based on judgements, starting to believe that indeed I am powerful.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the polarity-energy play within myself as wanting to experience ‘positive‘ judgments about me in relation to leadership and power to COMPENSATE the already existing ‘negative‘ judgments/beliefs/self-definitions within me and not realizing the common sense to stop/remove the ‘negative’ directly with self-honesty and self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-commitments to change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve defined people in leading positions as something I could be good at without actually understanding what they do, what qualities they live and how.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that leader, as the word itself explains itself, meaning that the one, who leads the way, which mostly means to initiate, to move first, without anything or anyone outside of themselves and that requires self-trust, self-knowledge and self-dedication, which I never considered to see it as actual qualities I can learn, but as being not my type, not my personality, not my way and not realizing that these are simply excuses and justifications of why I should give into the resistance to face and change my personality if I do really want to be a leader.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that my initial desire to become leader comes from the realization that I allow myself to be leaded by forces outside of me, even when I do not want, I do realize that it’s not supporting me, thus to compensate/fight that powerlessness, started to grow a desire for power and leadership.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that ANY leadership starts with self, self-leadership and to deal with myself, my inner representation, my mind, my personality, my ‘demons’, so to speak, the patterns what constitute the chance to compromise my stand, to doubt myself, to give into resistances, to not want to change, initiate, move.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that my resistance towards leading, leading systems, others is the manifestation of the resistance to lead myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that until self-leadership will not spread and become a living expression of all individuals, there always will be leaders, which means master and slave relationship.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that leading is not about the power as it is mostly given, and if one does not live with that given power well, it might or will be taken away – even if it’s about self-leadership and self-given power – any doubt, resistance, fear can compromise that power.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to take responsibility for what and who I am and within that to realize that I can change if I decide so, and the very fact that I am not changing is the indication and proof of that I am not taking responsibility and thus accepting my limitations to direct me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy leaders around me by what I perceived as having access to power and thus wanting to be leader and only looking what they have but not questioning the process they actually became leaders with what qualities and actions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only thing stops me from being leader is the self-sabotage of not leading myself first.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not yet ready to become a leader and within that not seeing what actual justifications I hold onto, what makes that belief within me.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the postponement of actually walking the path of a leader is the belief that first I have to become perfect, then once I am ‘ready’, then I will lead and within that not realizing that there is no perfection without making mistakes first and the ability to admit and change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized, named and worded the actual excuses and justifications I am holding onto for not taking responsibility to lead myself, to initiate movement and change within myself and the world as equal as one in a consistent practical application.

Conclusion

So, this should do as a start, at the end the realization came to the surface that I actually have to list up the points I perceive as blocking me to lead myself effectively.

I start with a brief list here and I will continue in the next post with this fascinating topic.

  • The belief that once I become a leader, I will have less time for entertainment and to actually do what I like, such as learning, investigating, discovering.
  • The belief that first I have to face all my demons to not get into any possible compromising situation ‘out there’ in the world.
  • The belief that I am not stable and consistent enough
  • The belief that my communication skills are not yet effective enough
    The belief that I am not yet walking a supportive, enjoyable and stable partnership with someone first
  • The belief that I have to remain somewhat alone and secluded in order to become someone who will not compromise leadership and responsibility first versus personal interest, such as relationship and family and it’s a friction within between wanting partnership, but only if it’s not compromising my ‘plans’ and having the belief that I should not care about such details, but only focus to my ‘plans’
  • The belief that I am not direct, in a way ruthless or impersonal enough and being vulnerable for people to be able to influence me with their social skills, beauty or my insecurities

These are just a few and some of them are already seem ridiculous for me at the moment I write them down, so at first sight they do not seem relevant or real problematic, but still: came up, thus worth writing down and to see what is behind that particular belief.

Just like with fears and phobias – many people hold onto so many kinds of fears without even being aware of how ridiculous it might seem if the person would actually take the effort to write it down to see in front of them.

A point I see worth mentioning in regarding to fear:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from jumping into action in regarding to leadership, which is the fear of making so big mistakes that would manifest irreversible consequences, what could sabotage my intention, direction towards leadership.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I focus to the fear and it’s resonance, I do not look at the point I fear manifesting, I do not see if it’s realistic, what I can do to prevent it, but I spend time to not move, not act, but only react within.

And the last should be this:

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within seeing the initiative to become leader, but not actually specifying of what kind of leader within what ‘field’ I want to lead, initiate, move change, thus it’s all abstract, undefined, un-graspable, which is to protect my level of involvement with leadership, which is only self-stimulation, not actual reality-walking and manifesting.

This is greatly challenging and recommended everyone to walk as can reveal so many points of self-dishonesty to work with and being able to face, understand and stop.

These are the awesome EQAFE interviews about leadership I’ve mentioned and support me and others greatly:

https://eqafe.com/p/what-is-leadership-to-you-the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-103

https://eqafe.com/p/what-is-blocking-the-leader-within-you-the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-104
https://eqafe.com/p/the-birth-of-a-leader-begins-with-self-the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-105

And a personal blog post from Marlen to look Leadership as well, suggested to read:

https://marlenvargasdelrazo.wordpress.com/2017/04/13/557-self-leadership-and-the-message-of-jesus/

Day 321 – From awkwardness to self-trust part 4

aw4Continuing from Day 318 – From awkwardness to self-trust part 1 and part 2 and part 3

I walk self-forgiveness on the major points mentioned here to puncture my realizations with practical common sense and take responsibility for the manifested self-dishonesty in regarding to awkwardness and suppressing developing and expanding within social skills and expressions.

  • I forgive myself that I have not asked directly the reason and origin of my awkward definition, experience and judgement from myself, but to automatically becoming preoccupied with the consequence of my definition, experience and judgement of it, thus distracted from understanding the problem, finding solution for the problem.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I only experienced and judged myself as awkward when I was interacting with others, within social interaction and communication and within that not realizing why I am uneasy, inconvenient, embarrassed, but whenever this experience comes up, immediately going into the reaction side, judgement direction, distraction mode from the actual reason of this is spiraling out.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware of the fact that I feel awkward, because of comparison, judgement of how I want to experience, to be experienced versus what is actually happening within me and in relation to others and the difference between what I imagined, desired and actual reality, I perceive as defeat, failure, for I blame myself, feeling ashamed for and defining that this is who I am, awkward I am and not realizing that it’s just an experience, wherein I define and feel being stuck within.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I recreate awkwardness each and every single time when I judge myself, when I expect outcome of social/human relationships interaction from my own self-interest and/or when I do not trust myself, and then comparing, expecting, judging and blaming, which all are temptations to be given into to be distracted from the fact that I gave up self-honesty and self-trust when defined that it’s acceptable to rather define myself as awkward and blame myself for it, being angry and frustrated at myself for it, instead of looking it as practical as possible, meaning to find out what is the actual problem/source of this and what and how could be the actual solution.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that my awkwardness and self-judgments about it are of words and thus the problem is within my relationship with words, thus the realization and solution also must be too.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divert my attention from the actual problems I was facing by giving into hope and trust into manifestations within this world outside of me, taking refugee within experiences, energetic mind states and rituals and thus undermining my self-trust.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that any energetic accumulation-based method/way/process is only working on mind level, which is although a symptom, but also a consequence, a mirror, and reflects back my starting point and physical expression, thus the the mind should only be ‘used’ as to backtrack, cross-reference and become aware of the self-dishonesty I am responsible for to stop.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fight against myself, my perceived personality, nature, tendencies and within that believing that I have to accumulate greater amount of energy in my mind by time looping within judgments, reactions, emotions and thinking and thus being slave of my own self-limitation, because then I only way equilibrium within this if I walk the whole cycle of falling and raising and being distracted with this path to not see that the actual solution is to entirely step out of this pattern and not participate, prevent myself to even react to the conditions I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to automatically.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve defined to interact with others making me weird, awkward, my comparison, judgement, but in fact it’s totally unrelated to others, anyone else, but myself here and if I give into such experiences and judgements, it’s showing me that I am still not trusting myself unconditionally, not being able to remain here, directive and present and therefore the real challenge and self-trust means that I am able to be here as alone, as others, equally, no difference of who I am within self-honesty.
  • That’s why whatever comes up alone or with others – it’s my responsibility to face, understand, forgive and stop and to see what life can mean beyond this self-limitation.
  • I commit myself to challenge myself to step out of my comfort and comfortable zones and to see who I am within facing the unknown and to realize that the most practical common sense is to trust myself – and if I find out within self-honesty that I don’t/can’t trust myself in relation to something, then I take responsibility for stopping and changing myself, not just making decision but to live that in action.
  • I commit myself to immediately look at the source point of upcoming experience of awkwardness within self-honesty, to see what is the judgement, the fear, the self-limitation and forgive myself, stop myself, change myself, if I am able in the moment, then right away, but if I face recurring pattern, difficulty, not specific enough understanding, then I write down the patterns, I investigate, I apply self-forgiveness, I communicate with other destonians, if necessary.

Redefining awkward, awkwardness experience: The self-reflection of a certain judgement of myself and coming up with the tendency to give into the experience of shame, powerlessness, but it is rather an opportunity to see within myself what I am not yet accepting about myself to stand equal and one and thus being able to change. Thus awkwardness can be applied as a gift to take responsibility for an automatic energetic experience I’ve allowed up to this point but from now on committing myself to prevent overpowering my presence and direction with self-judgement.

So the process here is to admit, to acknowledge and be brutally self-honest about why I do what – and this is always different, when I walk through various self-dishonest patterns, but in a way it’s also a skill, and accumulates self-trust, to be able to question the relevant questions and have the relevant answers. There is no mystic, hidden agenda when it comes to our own mind, personality and self-limitations. Everything is in plain sight. The only reason someone can’t see through deception and excuses, justifications of how and why accepting self-limitations is because did not really committed oneself to walk through this and did not yet developed the necessary discipline, skills and the ability to not stop when facing resistances, fear, inconvenience, uncomfortability.

To learn this game/life-changing abilities/skills/starting point, visit:

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

http://eqafe.com

Awkwardness in relation to our bodies

Day 318 – From awkwardness to self-trust part 1

PSX_20170116_094211Sharing points about how I am utilizing to enter and participate within society to expose, understand and stop self-dishonesty within myself.

Some personal history:

I used to be quite an introvert, a quiet guy in the background and if I would have to describe my overall experience and expression within human relationships in one word, that would be awkward.

Within the development of my personality, the social interaction was always a step behind from other kids from the same age and thus they always seemed a bit more good at these things than me and I experienced this doubt and inferiority and all I could do about it was to suppress, justify and hide. In the meantime I’ve learned the “discipline” to constantly and consistently fantasize, to daydream and self-stimulate.

Around high school I’ve started to notice the first time that my level of social and communication ability it is highly limiting, for instance, when I had affection towards certain females. I was literally crushed within, even from just the idea to say a word to a woman, who I liked. Although, later women approached me quite directly and I was still able to screw up and ending up not doing what I actually wanted, what I had the opportunity for and with this I just made myself more frustrated and awkward.

I was constantly thinking about what could happen, what should I do, similarly to a computer, running simulations of possibilities, tainted with doubt and fear of mistakes and failures.

After something was done or there was an action I wanted to do, but I did not, I kept re-playing it in my mind, just judging myself, finding acceptable reasons, why, why why?

Quite early on I’ve developed this weird ability to generate extreme amount of energetic experiences within my mind and body due to constant emotional reactions to my self-judgement, which has taken the toll to my actual self-trust quite extensively. Especially with being able to suppress it in a split-second, when I started to ‘lose my clean head’, I just firmly said ‘enough!’ and the emotion seemed like it was gone. But it was not, I was suppressing, accumulating in the ‘background’ and once it was too much to ‘contain, endure’, then it came out, I felt this weird rage-like mind state, which often, politely say, prevented me to act out of my possible best potentials. Then I did calm down, and the whole process started over.

At university, alcohol-fueled parties brought change in a way, I was able to inhibit suppression for a while, although I’ve felt myself literally more close to an animal in those moments than human, but felt good to release the chained beast so to speak.
I was not really aggressive, but rather reckless and so to speak fearless within my actions. It’s consequences were also substantial, problems with finishing exams, wasting lot of opportunities in my location situation at the campus , falling into a rejected affection so deeply, that I literally lost years within complete emotional turmoils.

In the next phase of my life I’ve smoked dope and after a while found my next tool, powerful psychedelic drugs to melt, expand and fractalize my mind, and in a way the first couple of experiments opened my eyes to vast amount of possibilities and potentials in terms of human relationships, social abilities, the mind, etc. I was still the same shy, awkward kid within, which I never stopped facing, noticing and hating too, but saw a glimpse of hope for change. Wrote a diary, learned basics of Aikido and zen meditation.

After some quite extraordinary sets of experiences during self-stimulative sitting meditations, I’ve realized that I could sit through my entire life, I could create inner peace, seeing dimensions all the way, touching the leg of nirvana, but once I stand up, everything fades away and my initial crucible of overwhelming awkwardness naturally returns.

This made me realize that I have to actively work within ‘every day moments‘ on facing and opening up these experiences, expressions and explore ways to change.

I always worked behind computers, interacting with machines, so I figured out, the perfect start would be to have a job where I have to communicate with people.

This was the most resisting thing I had, so realized, why not to push towards that.

A friend of mine had an art shop, so I became a seller. She was my boss, I had to greet, listen and serve people, answer to their questions about the art techniques, tools, items and it was challenging. I did not stay too long there, only for the time to realize that this ‘method’ is effective, I’ve learned a lot.

Sometimes, I even had my body physically resisting moving forward, or started shaking, which might seem crazy or schizo, but I see it now, it is the extent of how humans can accumulate inner-mind patterns, energetic experiences to manifest physical resistances, which are literally like dense swamp or even brick wall sometimes to walk through.

I’ve seen this as fear of death – the death of my ego, my bubble imaginary mind personality is literally afraid to being exposed to face the fact that it’s time for it to die. And as I was identified with this image and likeness, to some degree, I had this weird sensation of putting down a part of myself, but I had to do. I kept imagining how I die, my body parts would just explode as I walk through a car, maybe there is a bomb there, and in a weird way, I’ve tried to get accustomed to facing death, to walk towards something, which is not comfortable, absolutely unpleasant, but I had to walk, there is no stopping, or I would remain this screwed up and self-limited.

(What back there, then I did not realize that I was fighting against myself, thus literally created wars within myself, thus what I resisted, persisted too, thus this was going on for a while and much-much later I realized the practicality of embracing the totality of myself)

Later on, I travelled with another kind of artists, jugglers, musicians, we sold hand-made artwork on street, I learned to not only be effective on performing and making money on street, but actually enjoying it too.

What made it difficult was that I did not stop smoking dope and that often brought back the introvert/awkward kid within me, but I did not see that back then.

My experience with weed is that it brings back a certain mind-state, even if it seems different and evolving, it’s kind of ‘going back’ experience, and for me – and maybe many others too – it’s a less emotionally responsible version of myself, and yes, I’ve trained myself and my mind to have fun, enjoy and focus to cool things with the experience, but in a way, it also catalyzed to keep suppressing the judgments, emotions, responsibilities I kept ignoring, escaping from.

I never really had any ‘withdrawal’ symptom from any substance, not even ‘psychologically’ – only on self-level to use the experience to not be self-honest in a way, to keep hiding, procrastinating to face the really relevant and problematic points in my life. Even, with the fact that my primary goal with these substances, genuinely was self-development and to support transcendence – with this tiny little point, most of these were in a way biased and compromised to a certain extent.

But this, I only realized much later.

When I came home, I was already a bit different man in terms of being a bit more natural while interacting with people. Still awkward, but now had some patterns to utilize to interact with others. This change attracted a different kind of people into my life, who with I continued to learn new skills.
One of the most important ones was dancing. I always hated that, resisted, more than the devil one would – which is obviously weird, but I did push through that one eventually with some chemical bridge, one occasion was enough. I even saw that not the MDMA itself made me open, as I was kind of planning to do with it, it just gave some push and that’s all I needed back then. Much later I’ve did MDMA maybe twice more, but those did not really ‘add’ anything new in particular, so then I lost my interest with that substance. In a way, I also realized, it was more ME, who did open this point up, thus I did not make habit from taking this substance, as many of my friends did then, and some still.

Sometimes these can assist, but if it’s more than a couple times in a lifetime, one has to realize the fact that it’s a distraction, the question one has to answer: why?
So, after one particular night, I realized I am a dancer. Not a professional, not in any particular style, but to move and enjoy with music genuinely in the moment – that’s dancing and it’s a gift.
I kept ‘practicing’, still, mostly under influence of psychedelics, mainly for drum and bass and goatrance. I learned a lot of ‘trance dance’ patterns and endurance, but beyond that, I was still awkward. This was not enough.

I will continue in the next post

Day 296 – Insignificant moments

Transcendence with the tiny moments. I’ve made a vlog:

Transcription of the video:

Even the least significant moments can be actual accumulation for taking the momentum against(to stand up to) one’s self-limiting mind.

For instance I’ve just cleared the toothbrush after wasting my teeth and then as I was cleaning the toothbrush, even in this insignificant moment, what at least my mind tries persuade me that in this moment I can think of anything else, because I am so superior being, I can think of some other stuff in my life meanwhile I do this, so my mind I would say ‘Don’t worry, I am going to take care of this, you just fly into your mind and think of anything else, whatever you want’.
And if I really look at it in this apparently insignificant moment, I say no, I am here, I am present, I direct this situation and I take over, thank you very much. No friction, no fight, no resistance. And what I accumulate here is that even within the smallest moments I am here, so apparently my mind would say, ‘Oh, then I would no have enough time to consider (apparently) more important things in my life, such as paying the bills, or how to make my job professionally, whatever!’

But in fact, as I direct myself in this moment of cleaning the toothbrush within absolute presence, I also gain self-trust and discipline and self-direction. So then when I face other points what apparently again – seems like more important in my life, then I will be also able to be present, directive and not disturbed, distracted with the mind, which is trying constantly to tell me what’s important, what’s relevant and what to worry about, what not.

And my mind is not my enemy, it’s kind of my nemesis, which is also myself and the solution for transcending the mind is not fighting, not resisting, but to understand to the specific points of it’s origin point, as for instance fear not having enough time, or I am more important and superior being to be really present to brush my teeth and clear the brush after all, because whatever reasons, but finding presence within this apparently insignificant moments also accumulate into more self-trust, more physical presence and in overall more awareness. And also it’s a bit simple to take over these moments first, like I have huge problems in my life.

Start with the little things, because there the mind has…you have given permission authority to these aspects of yourself, but you can take back more easily than the whole whatever relationship, or money, or world system problems you face. And within you start to know yourself, you start to understand how to deal with your distraction points, with your fear, addiction, whatever. And then you just walk this process. And then you realize it does not matter if it’s a small point or a big point. It’s like I am here, this point is here, I deal with it. That’s all.
So it’s no problem if I write about apparently insignificant moments if I am unable to understand the whole situation in order to support myself to prevent prevent to go into these mind-reactions or distractions, because it’s accumulating to the greater good, which is like really being able to trust myself to not go into the mind or even if I would do, it’s my own direction, meanwhile I am still here. I am still directing, I am still present.

Self-forgiveness.

img_0655I forgive myself that I have not realized that the definition and judgement of ‘tiny’ and ‘insignificantmoments are merely creation within my mind, my virtual personality database, wherein everything is being constantly created, or consequence of my interest, according to positive- and negative-based belief systems, and thus – the very idea of that some moments are more important than others is also belief and actually hiding the points I have not yet realized about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are moments what are more important than others in my life, what I should focus to, and according to that belief, to automatically give permission my mind to systematically create the judgement of ‘insignificant‘ moments, wherein I do not have to be ‘that much present’.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize, see and understand that if I am not here consistently and constantly, I am basically diminishing and ‘falling into’ my mind system, which is a self-created separation experience, which through I give my power away to not see the wholeness of what is here, but only based on a self-limiting view of interest as if its significant enough to ‘honor it with my presence’ or not. Within that not realizing that if I am not present, I will actually not know if that moment is indeed significant or not,  and that is the self-eating snake I justified myself to diminish into and within that also not realizing that the only significance and honor I can ensure is to actually be unconditionally present in all moments equally.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that with my exclusively past-based knowledge and information judgement system to decide what moment is significant or not, I try to re-and re-self-fulfill the prophecy I’ve seen in my mind based on my fear I try to escape from.

I forgive myself that I have not understood how I am trying to justify existing within fear by utilizing thoughts to tell me when I can go into my mind to have another set of thoughts about another fear by believing that if I think about something, I will figure out a prevention to it, meanwhile in fact I am giving up constant and consistent presence, which is the key to accumulate self-direction and self-trust and to understand everything what’s present.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the moments when I am alone and doing things what I every day or very often do, such as brushing my teeth, taking a shower, or even walking around, creating habits and do these actions without fully being aware of the body, and meanwhile not realizing that the very indication that I ‘leave’ presence into thinking about something is fear, which I do not directly see, its source and origin I do not realize, but blindly trusting my mind suggesting me that in those moments I am more efficient and effective if I allow thoughts to flow through my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I allow thought to be reacted to, which then can trigger another thought and feeling like this is me ‘moving’, meanwhile in fact I am suppressing myself, not moving, not sounding, not living, but only reacting according to my past, based on a specific fear which I keep accepting, at least by believing it to be real enough to have this ‘workaround’ about it and resulting in not being constantly present in and as the physical within awareness.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within defining moments of every day actions as insignificant, I actually make my presence and direction that, and by that not even realizing the actual significance of what I could realize, manifest, live if I would have stayed constantly present by stop being the slave of fear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define brushing teeth, washing the brush, dish washing, cleaning, or even ‘just’ walking as insignificant and based on the judgment and actual skill of being able to ‘automatically’ do things, in fact I am accumulating the occasions of giving into fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when points coming up in my mind as distraction at the moments what I pre-defined as ‘insignificant‘ is showing me that my mind is in a way ‘leaking’, the problematic points I keep reacting to are not ‘contained’, but conflicting within and thus trying to re-and re-process those points in order to stimulate myself into a solution, but that is not true as by thinking and reacting about it is actually the opposite of solving it, but rather to accept it, just have energetic experiences about it in the self-delusion that ‘I am now thinking the problem’ and yes, but not the actual solution.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I am being distracted by reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions while doing something what I’ve defined as mundane, ordinary, easy, boring, that means that I am not honoring myself to be fully present to face those moments based on pre-judgments of what those moments are about and also that I have not given myself the adequate space and time, effort and practical method to face the points coming up in my mind for concluding a practical solution for the problems I keep unsolved.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the spiritualisation of the all equal moments I’ve been created through the perception of separation and judgement in my mind by defining some moments as more important, more meaningful, more divine, thus creating a polarity system of when it is alright to be not fully present with my utmost potential and when I should and then relying this auto-judgement-mechanism system to tell me when I should be more present and when I do not necessary to and all the while not realizing that if I am not present in any given moment, all the accumulated presence, awareness, direction and substantiation of SELF as LIFE is gone entirely again, just as my absolute self-trust, self-direction and self-honesty, thus basically I have to start to make a stand from scratch, breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have excuse and justification that I can and should have multitasking while doing the things I’ve defined previously as insignificant, thus to go into my mind and think

Self-corrective statements for the situations I commit myself to remain present:

When and as I brush my teeth, I breathe in and out, I focus to physical presence, my standing, the senses, the gravity, my hands, my face and I honor myself to be present and directive while doing it and if anything comes up in my mind meanwhile, I realize that it is alright to remember, make note, but NOT self-honest to just follow any thought, reaction automatically and go into ‘thinking mode’, meanwhile just brush my teeth by habit, just as remembering how I washed the day before and before that.

When and as I wash my hands, I focus to presence, the physical feel, my wholeness as direction and expression and I direct my mind to stop and I breathe in and out.

When and as I walk, I focus, discipline, direct and express myself as the body directly and trust myself that in that moment I am the living word of walking and if something I have to wonder about what would make me go into my mind, I consider if it’s relevant, important or supportive in that moment or not, and if not, then I make a note, a remark, a point to return to this later and keep walking.

When and as I would go into doubt, thinking, reactive judgments about not being sure what is self-honest and supporting to do simultaneously, such as walking and talking, or considering what to buy in the shop, and as long as I am accessing anything from my mind instantly, here, while not being distracted, lost, it’s practical, but not to the point of losing direction, physical and breathing awareness.

When and as I feel like I do not have time to stop doing what I do and I would feel the urge to think about something while doing something, I breathe out and in – or in and out accordingly and realize that it’s not about speed as it’s not life-threatening to give myself one more breath and consider something WHILE remaining present.

When and as I drive and start thinking about something and thought follows thought and I miss the driving direction and awareness point of the system of progressive driving, which is to ensure to remain responsible and response-able in any given situations, then I see the need for dropping the topic in my mind and re-align myself with the driving entirely and if I am being overwhelmed by reactions, then I slow down and I make possible to have a stop and then sort things out.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that small physical action mistakes and accidents are happening with me, because being in my mind, thinking, or already projecting myself into the future of what I am going to do, how I will react, feel and do, meanwhile missing the simple physical action references of walking properly, taking objects, putting here and there and those apparently ‘simple actions’, what I already acknowledged that I can make mistake doing when I think.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be aware of the fact that almost all of my injuries I have suffered have happened due to preoccupation in my mind MEANWHILE doing something, handling objects with what I made myself cut/bleed, bruise, stumble or fall or drop things, hit or smash things and those are also indications of me becoming out of sync with physical real time and space as entering mind virtual space time which is completely unrelated to actual reality, thus compromising my effectiveness and presence, thus awareness and responsibility as well.

I commit myself to stop and drop all labeling of moments in my life ENTIRELY of which moment is more significant or which is mundane, and to take full responsibility in all breath equally by realizing that any moment can only be more special or important based my own self-interest, which can be considered, but not to be subjected to to the degree of being distracted to fall out from actual physical time-space continuum.

I commit myself to stop defining every day things what I always do as mundane and insignificant, such as brushing my teeth, washing myself, things, cleaning, go to toilet, walking around, carry things, even driving – I realize that each moment is reflection of who I accumulate myself manifesting to be, thus I direct myself to establish a self who I can be present with and as in all time without any doubt, fear by knowing who I am and re-defining who I am able to honor with consistency.

I commit myself to use any available tools necessary to deal and transcend any distractions coming up in my mind by recognizing that those aspects I’ve separated myself from and by the nature and relationship of the word-judgments, I am able to decompose the pattern of fear/self-dishonesty to take responsibility and forgive myself for giving my mind permission to suppress, then all of a sudden re-appear and distract me from what I am currently doing and by that not being able to be the director of my life, but being directed by previously manifested consequences of judgement, separation, fear and self-dishonesty.

I commit myself to not get blindfolded with an excuse of ‘equalizing’ all moments by convincing myself that there are no moments when there are more stakes in terms of responsibility, such as in direct life-threatening moments, or constructing a high-value deal or making an exam, wherein the decisions and actions I do can have more direct or long-term consequcence, but this should never compromise to go into a polarity-manifestation to deliberately abdicate to responsibility within standing as self-honesty in all of my moments equally.

This is, just like the argument people can put out when I say I support equality and they immediately say it’s insulting bullshit as there are people who have more valuable skills, experiences, significances in terms of their situation, position in the system, etc – but that is not about equality.

Equality is to recognize and honour the qualities and potential, what exists  within all, regardless of circumstances and conditions.

It’s like dogs: they mostly are so cute and a joy to be with them and great support, but that is not applied to a just commanded police dog to bite me or when wild dogs flock and scavenge anything alive – but still – the potential and life within that dog is still present – and when I say equality, I do not get ‘blinded’ by the positive imagination of ‘lalala cute dog’, but also not get completely ‘owned’ by my current personal involvement of ‘this dog is attacking me’. Awareness is not positivity. Neither bitter negativity. It’s the whole picture. Or at least a process to be able to get to

Accumulate real and practical self-knowing and change patterns what do not align with being honest with Self and All Life: Try the free online support course at http://lite.desteniiprocess.com