Day 320 – From awkwardness to self-trust part 3

aw3Continuing from Day 318 – From awkwardness to self-trust part 1 and part 2

I checked tons of conspiracy theories, secret societies, ancient civilizations, crazy, wicked theories and all of a sudden I’ve found a youtube video, wherein a girl is stating out that she is portalling Jim Morrison, thus speaking from the dead and talks about Oneness and Equality and a Process of self-honesty and Self-forgiveness, and it’s time to change existence from it’s core and this is going to happen, no escape, in a way it’s already done, now everyone will face who they really are and have the chance for LIFE to honor.

That several minutes struck me, like a nuclear freight train.

Obviously, I was aware of the concept of Oneness, most of my acid experiences converged towards such perception – and Equality too – I always had this kind of weird peace when I was just around others without judgement and accept and embrace them, although it was rare, but still radiated through clearly that somewhere, somehow, we are all equal. But when I had to put the two together in a practical way, it was kind of slap to my face. So simple that it’s in plain sight, yet nobody talks about that like this.

I’ve started to embrace, study, read, digest and understand the vast amount of DESTENI material and it took me months to have a level of understanding of what I should do next.

When I first read the sentence that “each and every single human being is equally responsible for the current manifestation of earth” – that was also not a blissful realization, but rather to see everything corrupt, deteriorated, abused, exploited, enslaved is in a way everyone’s fault, what includes me. From that point I realized that it’s literally disempowering to blame, to point fingers to anyone, including myself – but it’s all about what can be done. And this starts with Self Here. Understanding.

To start writing. This was another one of my most resisted things, to write about myself, not women, not things to do, but how I feel, how I think, how I react, how I behave.
I know, many say, they already wrote diary, but writing within Self-honesty is not a typical diary.
It’s always from self, no point to write about others, I change myself and thus the world, not the way around.

I started to write about points I could never forgive myself for, some nasty stuff I did within overwhelming angry moments, what I immediately did regret, but once did it, it was done. I was angry at myself, I could not change it, it was bad, all I could do was to swallow, to lock it down, suppress and throw away the key.

So, when it was suggested me to start writing, to start opening those doors, what I worked hard years on closing them real, it was quite eye-opening, not so blissful process to become aware of and in a way it’s still continuing.

I went to the Desteni farm in 2010 to actually meet with the core team of the study material creators and lived with them for a month and I had many-many sessions with the portal, shared so many points of my life what she, or in fact anyone else could never ever known, but I got direct support on my point of relationships, fear, the practical solution, etc. And it was so casual, like talking about the weather – also proving that no need any superficial rituals, symbols, mystical stuff to be direct and effective within becoming more aware. The power of Living Words.

Although I perceived myself pretty much aware in comparison of who I was before, or how I perceived others to exist, I had to realize that phrase to the deepest: ‘I do not know nothing‘.

There were some years of internal processing, and slowly but surely got to the point of being able to bring the realizations, tools, applications with me into society so to speak.
At work, in the beginning, I did not see any point within being friendly, to just talk about stuff with people in the office for instance.
But then I realized that I am actively developing communication skills now.

Nowadays I am able to not only notice the awkwardness, but as writing about it, seeing it more clearly, the more stopping myself judging and reacting, the merrier I am able to see the mechanism, what is the internal/external trigger point to jump into conclusions, automatic emotional reactions in terms of this and that.

Then applying Self-forgiveness, on the point I realized, that I was not aware of before, I did not take responsibility for, but now I do, I want to give another chance to change.

What is the key here within direct self-change? Words.
Of course I have resisted this, everyone does. I’ve tried almost everything else, just not to face the fact that I am already programmed with words, which I kept fighting, suppressing, overpowering, controlling and denying through various techniques, but the eventuality is that once I stop doing those things, I am just realizing that I have not yet really changed. And also to admit that I am susceptible to words, I react to words, I use polarity systems of words all the time, thus creating my own heaven and hell experiences in my mind, then ‘under the influence’ – I manifest consequences in the actual world, shared with everyone else. It’s to easy not to be aware of the mind-patterns of doubt, blame, projection, jealousy, greed and self-interest to sabotage the best of us all the time. And although I dedicated my life to ‘become a better version of me‘ – without actively ‘working’ with words, I was still failing and falling big time.

Why? Because I was not direct, honest and genuine with myself as much as possible.

See – honesty is damn easy – just look at oil companies – their advertisement, politics, capitalism – it’s simple, direct, no hidden agenda, or at least not too much:
They dig/suck up oil from the ground, refine it, then after transporting it various ways, which sometimes totally screw up vast areas of nature, they sell it for multiplication of it’s real value, just because everyone needs fuel, it’s not cheap.

Or fracking – even the word speaks for itself – it does not have a nice ringing in anyone’s mind, except maybe for those who make a lot of profit out of it. It’s like freaking fucking horrible for the living soil, natural water, etc. But it’s legal, protected by the law, because of profit. And they are very honest.

Are they self-honest too – meaning the leaders of these companies mostly, but in a way each of their cog-like employee? – Absolutely not – they do not consider irreversible consequences, the price of ruining future generations to deal with horrific consequences.

The same way I was honest, when I wanted to expand, develop and grow within my social skills, but as I was not honest with myself, but with my convictions, beliefs, desires, thus, I did not really progress, only developed more elaborate skills around my original problem to be able to handle it, to deal with it.
The more rules I’ve introduced, the more smooth I was able to move in the system up to a certain point.

But still, no matter how much new ‘programs’ installed into my mind about specific conditions, whenever I’ve faced with new situations, the shy, awkward kid is just here again and immediately, years of ‘working’ on this, felt like nothing.

That’s why the ego-self-interested person’s mind’s greatest fear is to face the unknown. No rule, no judgement – and even if the individual tries to box all possible ‘unknown‘ scenarios into polarity-judgement systems – the real unknown is scary, because I am going to know something about myself what I did not before. No rule, thought or judgement will help then. So that’s why it’s easy for humans to justify not to know. To  really know self, beyond the layers, personalities, characters.

In a way, that’s why I had no trouble to throw out everything I knew, learned, understood before, because although I had some progress with, it was not direct solution at all, at specific points it was even a burden and disadvantage to be conditioned with all the knowledge in the world, but nothing about real self, real life.

And to admit that, to acknowledge, that I basically wasted full years, decades on this was at first sight difficult, but then I realized that it would have been much more difficult to remain facing this social awkwardness point again and again and again.

Hey, within being the master of excuses, I even thought and tried to ‘hope up myself into’ keep adding more rules and conditions to ‘handle’ this awkwardness and one day I would be able to be always prepared and prevent awkwardness.

But then I have realized – the less I think, define and judge, the more I can be here, naturally, directly and another difficult realization was that any thought, judgement or energetic reaction is just a sign of accepting fear within me.

And no matter how physically skilled, how much meditation or mantra I do, how many acid trips I take or how many women I sleep with, these are all just distractions and belaying the inevitable: facing self. To be prepared, the best is to let go, unlearn all what is not self-honest. To let go the fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of fear.

And I could do a ton of magic mushroom and say a trillion mantras, but still, eventually, I have to be able to communicate with myself through words about that fear, to name the game, and thus being able to find actual solutions.

I still ‘train’ myself in a way to expand within communication and social skills, to be able to be as much vulnerable and stable within human relationships, but I see real change during the last decade, since I apply Desteni I Process online course support for instance.

Not only learn things, but certain patterns to un-learn, to not go into doubt – but for that I have to have self-trust, so in a way, systematically going through all sources of doubt not only makes me realize it more clearly, but it also opens up to see what actions, practical consequences I have to manifest, to live that trust until it’s not separable, not conditional.

If we look at the world system, word is power – the law, the schools, politics, movies, music – everything in the matrix depending on it – without words everything would collapse.

This provides a great opportunity for our problem too – the solution is to understand, embrace words, to change our relationship with them, how we interpret, react to and act out specific words. By being able to purify my set of words and re-define them – I change how I perceive and interact with the world too – thus literally changing the world, step by step.

For me, one little, almost insignificant step was to face and stop awkwardness, the drive, the motivation and decision to change it lead me to not only question everything I knew and invested into, but to create time and space to actively work with words of me.

Writing this blog is one of my greatest gifts to myself, because it is about self-directed change.

I am not really awkward with people anymore, with family/friends or with strangers, even if I have to touch them or I am being touched by(which was also an issue before, as weird it seems written down) – still, often – or sometimes  –  I can react, I can act out some weird stuff , which if I look at it – I am accumulating practical knowledge and understanding to being able to see that it’s still originating from some past memory, fear, energetic reaction, but now I have not only the tools to open up, understand and assist and support myself to change, but also a great, supportive community too, who are willing to assist if needed.

That is honorable and might be literally a mistake to miss, just because of some judgement, thought or un-worded inner resistance.

In relation to the ‘social demons’ people – It’s not just about how they behave and how I want to be able to communicate and interact, not even about ‘why I want’ to be more effective to reach what goals, but also to see that often there is no schema, pattern, what is required, but to push myself in the moment infinitely and act immediately, learn from the mistakes and accumulate self-trust.

So wrapping it up with this:

  • I had realized my limitation of the experience and judgement of awkwardness.
  • I have made the decision to change, to stop awkwardness
  • I have tried different methods, techniques, starting points to stop it, although I was able to handle it to a certain degree, it was never a real change, but rather to adapt around the source problem.
  • I have deliberately picked certain activities to face and do what I resisted most. Although this assisted me a lot, the core of my problem was never directly addressed.
  • I have found the desteni principles, tools, support, study material and community, with which I started to understand how the mind, energy, thoughts, consciousness work
  • I have started to face the points I never could forgive myself for and I started to let go
  • I still keep doing what I resist: one of the greatest challenge was to stay committed to one point within consistency. This is currently my daily job, which I am at since 9 years. I’ve defined this previously as the opposite of freedom, but walking through resistances and judgments, I honor and respect my decision to stand and expand step by step.
  • I regularly pick things to do what made me react with awkwardness, for instance improvisation-contact dance, meeting with new, different kind of people and initiate communication, express and share myself. Blogging and Vlogging here about my current process, about points I am realizing is not only a self-reflection, but also another form of communication with the world, others.

I continue with Walking Self-forgiveness in relation to realizations about awkwardness and self-trust

 

Day 319 – From awkwardness to self-trust part 2

aw2Continuing with my story- part 1

I went to a half year long trip to Asia, where I was introduced to the Rainbow hippie community, where I faced another great resistance: shy and shameful of my body – I was naked a lot of times with others(people believe hippies do naked sex all the time, and it’s not really about that, I rarely saw actual sex, but it’s more about finding connection with yourself, your body, nature and stop judging, comparing, but actually enjoying) and realized that there is nothing wrong how I look like and this is who I am and this was great.
There, I had an interesting observation. With hundreds of very open and mostly honestly kind; much more accepting and embracing people near the ocean, at the edge of the tropical jungle, far from any cities, I have noticed one particular kind of human in terms of social abilities.

This is going to be exaggeration, but in a way this is how I reacted back then.
I’ve seen these individuals as shining beacons among others, they are attractive, upbeat, extremely polite, generous, mostly everyone not just likes them but people are affected by their morale and they literally can talk with anyone about anything immediately, no need warming up, getting to know each other, they just step in and BAAM, they are ‘with me here‘.
Without being able to describe them, I’ve labelled them as ‘social demons‘ – I mean ‘demons’ not in the negative way at all, but rather as almost supernatural level of well refined and effective communication abilities.

I would have thought that I would be jealous to these individuals of how awesomely they are able to live aspects and qualities I never had, but always desired for; but the opposite happened: I realized that I can observe, listen to and interact with them and learn from them, meanwhile enjoying their company and it was an interesting realization.

Of course, they are not perfect, sometimes made mistakes or they were carried away and were not so cool with some other people and although I was still amazed by their abilities, I was also seeing that they are ordinary people, just this part of themselves they have practiced, experienced a lot, which I did not.

I rather was being good with computer systems, stoic philosophy and being obsessed with almost military-grade clinical thinking, which was only – and quite often – compromised, when I allowed myself to be overwhelmed with exerting suppressed emotions for too long.

Also during my far east travels, there were lot of times when I was ‘alone’, without friends, without money, without things with me to be preoccupied with. But for instance in India – you are rarely alone, mostly being among hundreds, thousands, sometimes even millions of others(Kumbh mela).
And I was able to open up to strangers – my approach came with the realization that I am on this train with this another human at the other side of the world and probably I will never see this person again, so why talk about superficial things, like weather, but why not to be completely open, and become vulnerable, meaning radically honest and have real moments with each other.

What to lose? Even if I screw up, appear as a fool, or someone not so cool, it’s like being in a role for a movie for a while, then move along. In a way, like in computer games, when I have the quest to go here and there and ask around, but what if I just shoot everything that moves. Well, in reality, obviously, it is not what I mean, but rather to just ‘step out of my character’. To dare to ask or tell something, which I could not feel doing so with a person at home, here, with this stranger, I was more easy to do so. The limit is literally my imagination.
This helped a LOT to go through many points of my personality and to see which I still enjoy, respect, and what part of me is still a bore, to be ashamed of or simply seeing, I do not like this within me, I want to change it. How I smile, how I articulate, how I walk, how I am losing my mind to a specific type of woman, sound or image, etc.

Before this trip, and even during it, I was doing zen meditation, then Tibetan too, some sacred geometry-related visualization, and man, I was thinking I am now becoming aware and it’s all great.
I was so wrong and I did not see the fall coming.

Multiple times I was facing near death experiences due to my recklessness and preoccupation in my mind and being in total out of sync with physical reality, what deeply shaken me within, much more than I realized back then, but it immediately pushed me out from my thinking mind for a while. After one particular event/experience, when I was almost crushed to the rocks of the wavy ocean, for several hours, I was present, it was like a flame was burning in my chest what pulled, grounded me here, although I was sick, injured and weakened, it did not matter, I was able to see it, but within the moments it did not matter.

Then I screwed it up, smoked again and fell back into my mind, but those moments burned into my beingness for ever, like a splinter in my thinking patterns about the fact that I could be so much more if I would never fall back into this thinking mind again.

And I had several years of training, practice and experience with meditation, read tons of books from various eastern and western teachers/writers, but I had to realize that although this was somewhat useful, I have to step beyond all of these. As part of this realization, I stopped drinking alcohol once and for all, which I never regret. After a while, that substance always made me more moody, swampy and less clear in my mind, and I understand if people gain more feel good experiences by doing this with their being, mind and body, for me it was and still clear that it’s self-sabotage, which I committed not to do so. I still had dozens of other problems within me, so this step was not an all-over solution, but certainly a stepping stone towards becoming more stable.

When I came back from Asia, my personality was, in a way split, one part of me was still trying to catch effects from the same old patterns, getting high, stimulating myself with intensified energetic experiences due to drugs, sex, danger or recklessness, but at the same time one other part of me grew doubting the other ‘me’ – and kept looking, searching for something new, with what I could make more sense, to find real answers.

I was so hungry for real change, although I have suffered through years to have this semi-wisdom and halo of excuses and justifications of why the world system is to be completely rejected, to hate money, law, lawyers and anyone happy, they are to blame, but I started to see through the lies and fake bliss of spirituality and new age too, mostly through my own mind-my life-sand-castles constantly falling apart.

I continue in the next post.

 

Day 317 – Controversial topics

controvThese are what they are, with the centralized mass-media, the unofficial and controversial information sources have been spread.

What is true, what is fake? This is now every day’s conversation. The information-era is at it’s perils.

It’s interesting to see that everyone has beliefs, opinions, judgements, and if anyone does not have, share, to persuade or trying to protect those, or does not care, then they are also being judged by others as sheep or blind followers of the enslavement system.
But the interesting part is that those who are quiet, it’s not that they do not have beliefs, opinions, judgements, but on top of those beliefs, they have a specific set of convictions about why they should not share and care to enter into this meme-war of consciousness of what’s right or true or real.

Because from a point, it literally becomes war, not only in the people’s minds, but on the actual fields and seas, sons of mothers go against each other, just because they have the belief of this is why is worthy to kill and die for. Pure insanity.

That’s why the internal conflicts, battles, frictions within our own mind never should be underestimated, because that is exactly what accepts and justifies external conflicts and wars, destruction and abuse in the world too.

An example: “I hate that I was so shy with this girl, I have missed the opportunity to ask her out, I am so fool, I HATE when I am like this.”

In this example I am actually being distracted with the emotional energy coming from the negative self-judgement, not focusing to the possible actual solution – to ask, why I was shy and coward and not stopping with that answer of :”Because it’s risky, I can screw this up and then I am done, she would never consider me as a potential partner.”
Then, to be able to see beyond this excuse is crucial: to see that I am afraid to lose something I give value to so much that actually I am being distracted and handicapped while doing it by the overwhelming vivid imagination of me failing in this, with her.

The willingness and actual, practical ability to be self-honest is the most important thing in life, I am certain, because without it, I am lost, untrustworthy and being exposed to the elements of all experiences, conditions in the world without being able to really understand, to change within.
Blame, projection, anger pointed to others, the world is being accepted and allowed as a hellhole for the majority, meanwhile if I would be honest to myself, I could directly see by approaching the levels of self-deception to discover how and why exactly I am responsible for what I experience, for what I conclude, for what I accept and allow and also for what I do.

So, here comes in the point of controversial topics, because it is also now all over the world, so many crazy ideas about what happened here and there, what is going on or how things do really work.

Controversial topics are actually cool, because within that I can have a reflection of who I am, what do I accept according to peer pressure of social acceptance and what is commonly believed to be true, what is actually proven, what I can prove for myself and what I have to actually walk through, work on and find out myself to be able to decide of whether it is real or made up.
And within that to also see how relevant the point is in my life, my neighbors life, all life’s perspective currently and in the long term as well.

In the current bank-debt-funded predatory capitalist system, where profit, revenue and income is the most important factor within pursuing safety, health and enjoyment, it is also an opportunity to deceive others for it.

And often, even the apparently ‘innocent’ ones are also causing irreversible and horrible consequences.
To persuade someone for a face creme to prevent aging for women might not seem as damaging, but if we can realize how exactly it’s being made, that it’s being tested on animals, if it’s factory keeping workers on sweatshop/slave level, if to see that the CEO of the 10.000 personnel company earns 10 percent of all the revenue, then I might consider that it’s not the best it could be.

I guess, it’s not that controversial as can be, let’s pick another one: vaccinations.
It’s also a heated discussion between parents, especially who had bad or horrible consequences by using these, often even compulsory treatments for children. Here and there some scientist appears trying to prove correlation between brain dysfunction and poisonous ingredients of vaccinations, then often people are being ridiculed when starting to question the authority, the corporations, the government.

As long as it’s a capitalist profit-oriented, revenue-hungry corporation funds, fabricates, persuades and sells these vaccinations, it is obviously questionable and when the whole process is not shared and being 100% transparent to the consumers, then it’s natural to want to know more about it, to see more research results.

There might be some really scary dark conspiracies in the background, but to gossipmonger all over – it’s bad and does not support any possible solution.

Mostly there is simple explanation: the fear relating to not survive in capitalism, greed; the never ending conquest for more and more profit drives people over common sense, beyond compassion and under dignity to the mind-state of superiority, justifying with principles like ‘survival of the fittest’, but those individuals are totally incapable of being self-honest to question their belief systems, to answer their self-dishonesty, thus not only becoming lost within their own realm of consciousness, but causing massive amount of abuse in the real world, what is being shared with everyone else.

Poisoning natural water sources, covering it up, marketing sickening products without warning, bribing their way out of it, fabricating casus belli and driving whole countries to war: it’s every day’s reality and anyone who accepts and justifies it with sentences like ‘This is us, human nature’, they are also part of the problem, not only the person who gives the orders to execute those atrocities every day.

I also have been ridiculed many times when bringing up a controversial topic, just because the TV does say that it’s conspiracy theory, because some things, if those would be really real, people would have to realize that their own version of reality is a delusion, which is difficult to give up, because that means they have invested maybe even decades into something what was almost completely a waste of time.

I do not think there is real evil, which would fight good and want to destroy, like in the tales – that’s existing only in the mind, polarity – a symbol of our own separation for LIFE itself, because there is no good without bad, no matter how GOOD I become, there will always will be BAD, because it’s all relative, make-belief. To balance out positivity taking all over, which would be also totally impractical, negativity appears. What we see in the world, it always reflects back to our own mind and vice versa.

That’s why it’s imperative to have a willingness and actual ability to investigate and sort out my own beliefs, judgements, delusions, because that is how I really discover myself and the world, that’s how I decide what’s real and what is bullshit.

We like it or not, there are a LOT of things humans in general do not yet comprehend in this world.

Remnants of ancient civilizations – total mystery, people have ideas and beliefs about what happened, but there are so many – and most people ignore these, because there is no ‘mainstream opinion/proof’, so until that it’s just controversial. Someone else to figure it out. Or based on some interest, promote something, what’s maybe real.

How much those things are really relevant in my own individual life, process of self-honesty? That’s the practical question one has to answer as well.

Or the flat-earthers, they are consistently sharing these articles and videos to prove why the earth is flat, the sun is very close and they are obviously pissed off that nobody believes them, they feel cheated, lied to and humiliated with the world, the system, the government, science, because they feel they know the truth and most people don’t or don’t care. How much that is relevant?
Unless I am working with satellites, weather, or within the hello: ‘space’ industry; how much of my every day life is influenced by the possibility that earth is not a sphere-like space rock, but something else?

I had my own crusades about several of so called controversial topics, according to drugs and spirituality, because when one day I’ve realized that how I lived, what to I’ve built my experiences, culture and personality – it was based on self-deception, thus I had to let it go. For some it’s more difficult to give up, to acknowledge that ‘I was wrong’. For me it is no problem if I was wrong, but right now to be wrong with the knowledge that it might not be real, relevant or common sense, that would be more self-dishonest than to just change.

When with desteni support I was able to figure out myself of how I was deceiving myself with the spirituality and drugs, I’ve felt compelled to expose all the gurus and masters, anything relating to mantras and chakras as total distraction.

Because it did not work for me.
Because I’ve realized that my starting point with them was self-dishonest, therefore I assumed that anyone and everyone participating within spirituality are equally self-deceivers by default.

Maybe not, maybe yes, I do not know that for certain, but the methods, the symbolism: for me it’s obvious how and why it’s flawed, I understand it now, I can word and explain it, I can see the points where I’ve recouped it with hopes, beliefs – therefore I am not interested in participating in these things at all. Also I have responsibility to share my realizations, because that might support others too realize the same mistakes I’ve made.

And it’s quite tricky, because if someone repeats mantras for hours, of course it will have an effect, accumulating energy, expectation, the sound vibration, the set and setting becomes also relevant. But it’s like trying to have a medical operation of my eyes through my bottom(from the silly movie parody called Hot Shots, they call it multiopiloptomy).
Especially tricky if I do not understand how my mind’s energy-house-holding works – I might just feed my mind with energy to be able to balance shit out and I feel more calm, but under the carpet, still the same, I do not have to radically change, to face my self-dishonesties directly, for instance addictions, not taking responsibility, being untrustworthy for myself and my partner or my boss, to make actual difference in the world, no, I just have to repeat 111.111 mantras and it will have effect, good karma and while doing it I will have insights.
For me this is now not direct and honest enough.

I’d rather ask myself and answer directly about things, points, problems, solutions. No need for magical vibrations, I have voice, I have words already. That I am here to live.

When I go to a shop, I don’t use mantra to get food, I use words. When I communicate with my partner on solving a conflict, I use words again, and if I want to stand out in front of the crowd to share support on how to transcend the mind, again and eventually always: I use words. So why not work with that directly? Common sense.

When I actually do something, I do it with my human physical body, so it’s also common sense to make it home, my starting point, my temple, my presence – without allowing interference from my mind of fear, of overwhelming and distracting emotions, regardless of positive or negative, which is just relative to my own interest, even if it’s projected onto something or someone, it’s still MY interest. But who I am is not just me, but equally is in the rest too. So it’s also common sense to consider all participants of the given system as equals, thus manifesting what is best for all. But it’s going to be damn difficult if I rely to spiritual practices and energetic experiences to ground myself and become consistent and constant within my direction and presence. Rather write down the words, investigate the words, let go of not supporting definitions, associations of words, re-define words and live them directly, so then no need to doubt, fear, complicate or judge, just directly live.

Maybe there was a time in world history when chakras and these spiritual things did have more effect on reality, the minds, but nowadays it’s just through the mind consciousness system, people’s beliefs, convictions, self-persuasions.

That is what I have investigated, tested, realized, lived. But I would not want to persuade anyone that I am right or others are not. Time will tell everything. Manifested consequences too. As Bernard Poolman stated:

There is no such thing as truth, only denial of what is here.

I went into more details with this point to share that how I take on practical approach with common sense on a point, instead of feelings and reactions. But the same principle can be applied to other controversial – or in fact any kind of topic.

I only can share as much as I can about my process, what I have experienced, seen, realized and why – then if anyone has better angle, then share it with me, I am absolutely open for re-evaluating my entire life. And everyone should be.

Another controversial topic to reflect back on self-leadership – writing some details so some conspiring dudes or dudettes can relate with: Investigating 9/11 was an inside job or it’s a hoax, was there aeroplane hijacking or planned demolition, temperature of the airplane fuel versus the melting point of reinforced steel or mossad agents versus found saudi passports – those the points people can argue about and it’s never ending. What that actually would imply about ‘our own’ – in fact USA – government is terrifying about how far leadership can justify to go in order to follow their agenda, to keep balance of their insanely unbalanced budget, the mysterious disappearance of massive amount of money. The downstream total destruction of an other country, accusations of weapons of mass destructions, oil industry, weapon industry, drug industry, media industry, we like it or not, these questions are maybe relevant.

And if I investigate from SELF – I can ask – why is there leadership, why there are people not wanting to be responsible, why need control, anarchy, war or peace, what those actually mean versus what I think or feel about.
How am I not living my potential, not living LEADERSHIP as I could be, how I am following, obeying, expecting and accepting instead of initiating, directing, planning, anticipating, moving? That is where I should start, not blaming the president or the banks. If I do not like it, I should show a better way, I should be part of the solution, I should join politics then and change by living as an example of my definition of good. That’s self-honest. That is the way forward. Not protesting and burning cars on street, whistling at public speeches or trolling and cursing online. Anyone does that – stating the obvious – they accept their powerlessness. But it’s still way to change, starting self here:

What’s relevant here for me in my real life is to reflect these kind of events back to self:

What is terror in my own life, how am I terrorizing myself, my environment and family, what is my own mind-authority and how and when and why it steps in to simply overrule another initiative within me, for instance having an idea about helping that weak man on the road, but then I would think, “What my cool and rich friends would think of me, and anyway I might become dirty while helping him, and he is maybe stinky as well, and anyway, he already survived up to this day, he will be fine, I do not have change, only using credit card”.

Not saying that to give some coins would actually make the world to a better place, but if I have these inner dialogues/frictions, that’s also my responsibility to unify myself about, not accepting any conflict of opposing interests.
It is maybe difficult to have absolute clarity about something, but this should not mean we just give it up – but then I have to be able to change, when I see that I was wrong.

And once I am able to see through my own internal battles, when I am not going into emotional war within when being triggered with a more intense experience, news, condition, but I can stand within clarity, being able to question everything I think, feel, say and do, then I am becoming able to stop self-dishonest patterns I discover, then I can also stop acting/living out those self-dishonesties and change becomes reality.

But if I have these emotional storms, reactions, anger, jealousy, fear, insecurity issues WHILE full blown ‘investigating’ these controversial topics, I might just find what I want to be found, I might bend the information to my own distorted perception.

Instead of judging wars in the world and get emotional, angry or sad, to ask myself – how I am waging war within myself in the first place? What do I resist, fight, want to win, dominate, eradicate, exterminate within with force?
That’s why SELF process is first, not because selfishness is the way – it’s the exact opposite actually. I take responsibility and it can only start with self, otherwise anything else I try to accomplish will be biased with the already accepted and allowed self-dishonesty within.

Self-forgiveness is an awesome self-supporting tool, which is simple, direct and free process to apply.

It encourages to become detail-oriented, by writing/typing it, I slow down, thus emotions do not tend to overwhelm that quickly.
Also supports with humility, to see, that in a simple conversation how many self-dishonesty I can accept, so then I understand that it’s pointless to blame anyone, but to ensure first that I stand within clarity and no influence of any fear, blame or anger.

I dare to give myself a chance, and many state that it’s not their way, style, method – I also never would have thought that this is what I am going to apply for years – this can be more tough sometimes, when realizing some nasty shit within me I covered up with excuses and thus failing with something constantly, but that’s also an indication that I am walking through resistances, limitations.

Also I’ve shouted wolf so many times about what’s real, what’s the solution, the source of best coolness in the world with various methods, groups, techniques, but Self-forgiveness is the most awesome and effective awareness tool I’ve ever encountered and this is what I stand for since almost ten years and still so much to learn and unlearn, discover and change.

At EQAFE, I was able to listen through a LOT of controversial topics, as its being explained in a style, which is like just listening to someone sitting near to me and it’s mind-blowing and also liberating, not only to understand things I always wanted to know, but when I try to apply those supporting points I’ve heard, no matter the topic, I can.

Thus I strongly recommend to check out EQAFE for a new type of library of understanding. https://eqafe.com

For trying out, understanding Self-forgiveness, the mind, consciousness, thoughts, emotions, and how to deal with those and take responsibility for: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 316 – A decade of Process

Reflecting back to my process of what I have realized and sharing one of my greatest challenges I faced during the last decade and how supportive and inspiring the desteni community, online and study material is within changing self-dishonest patterns.

I am grateful for the community called desteni(as referring to taking our and life’s destiny into our hands).

It was about ten years ago(around 2007 spring/summer, then started writing this blog in 2008 january), when I started to study and apply the material, the tools, principle within my life. Here is my first post from 2008 and my expression/English language was not as refined as today, but the message was clearly the same already:
https://talamon.wordpress.com/2008/01/18/the-unification-of-men-is-here/

talvlog-1There is a vast amount of online sources of study material available for supporting individual and collective understanding of various aspects of humanity, nature and existence.

Desteni I Process Lite http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Desteni I Process Pro http://desteniiprocess.com

Self-supporting audio-books http://eqafe.com

Self-supporting videos http://schoolofultimateliving.com

 

 

Day 315 – Why is it difficult to be Self-honest?

IMG_3952-EditTalking about why can be difficult to apply Self-honesty when facing an opportunity to change. The halo of justifications and excuses to find everywhere and to give into one is enough to give up the decision to change.

Giving some examples of how projecting self-defined, pre-judged past memories can compromise practical change/expansion.

Why and how can regular writing be an immense support to walk through accepted and allowed self-dishonest patterns.

 

Study Self-Mind-Beingness and find practical solutions to change self-dishonest patterns:

Awesome online course about how to transcend

Self-support books, audio recordings

School of Ultimate Living

Day 313 – Tiredness as acceptance

img_5133-editIn my last blog I’ve mentioned tiredness. Continuing on that.

Let me describe a set of experiences: Always feeling tired, exhausted, sometimes almost literally hurts to move around, but there is nothing wrong with my body, but still, the very existence makes me feel like I am moving in dense liquid.

Sometimes there are so many inner resistances within an individual that it becomes the overall ‘life experience’: tiredness, weakness, lack of focus, vulnerable to distract, dissipated, almost like uninterested.

Then someone can suggest to take vitamin D or eat this or drink that to compensate or to say eat less sugar and carbon hydrates, start working out, etc.

Although these might be healthy suggestions, often the overall and general tiredness is the manifested consequence of accumulated acceptances and allowances of self-sabotage, self-defeat, self-compromise.

Imagine a scenario when you(just to “walk in someone’s shoes) could do something really cool, you even would literally be happy to do that, but for a little, thin, silent inner thought-voice, you just do not do that. Like helping that old guy picking up junk on the street could make sense, but you think that your groovy friends would think that you are stupid or fool or gay or whatever the trend to dislike is around this time. And they indeed could do that, so the fear is logical. The fear of judgement, exclusion and being bullied could literally do drastically change behaviour, just like that, especially for a kid: influence. And it does not matter much if it’s those kids fault of they would bully him if he would do that or ‘you'(a kid), who actually stops acting common sense based on fear of judgement, being ridiculed and bullied, even if it’s actually a self-rationalized self-judgement, but still the reality is that the person stops acting what could’ve felt like naturally do it, but did not.

That can leave a mark, a splinter in someone’s mind to create more doubt, self-judgement and shame. And then maybe blame and anger towards self and/or the others too, hey, even towards the old guy! Crazy. And imagine doing that just once a week for a year. The same thing happens, still not acting upon it, so the experience repeats itself, while the inner reactions as well.

And plus this: there is this cute girl you’d like to be with, to just hang around with, play with, nothing serious, but you are afraid to approach her by the fear of she might reject you, she would sense that you’d love to do it, more than you should show, because this might seem as a vulnerability and she could’ve laugh at you or just tell the others and everyone would point fingers at you and you’d be ashamed and you just stop even trying to approach her, but somehow within still feeling the same affection. Twisted it is. Then accepting it every day, facing the point of wanting to, but actually not doing what you’d like to do and for that you might start blaming the girl, other kids, society, the gods, or yourself, who is the one in fact not doing what seems to be the coolest. More self-judgement, shame, frustration, anger.

There is this boss and you’d really like to tell him how stupid he is but he might fire you and you just had your third kid, the loan is on the house, the wife is sick, there was grandpa’s funeral, grandma is poor and sad and the car is at repair – you literally cannot afford to lose this job, so you swallow your words, your pride but those emotions do not stop moving, just in your mind, your body, you can also go into extreme frustration, limitation and again ending up feeling powerless, exposed to forces outside of your control and being a slave and becoming totally a survival machine with no joy most of the time.

Or you follow the news, seeing these scandals of the corrupt, greedy politicians, officials stealing millions and billions, their stupidity gloats through their expression when they have a public speech, it’s so frustrating to see the country being sunk by those idiots, but what can you do, just shake your fist, even go to the street and participate in protests, but that does not really change much, or if sometimes does change a tiny point, they probably are doing much worse in the background meanwhile and you are just being distracted from the really nasty shit and when it’s being exposed in the next scandal, leaks or whistle blowing, you are now more furious and want them dead, but at the same time your life is still miserable and struggling with putting food to the family’s table. For years and years and then decades.

More extreme – having an aggressive drunk dad, who comes home every day and being the shittiest person he could ever be and his children are screwed from many angles because of him, he beats and abuses mum, sometimes the kids and those kids are exposed to the worst – every single day exactly at the times when they are the most defenceless and vulnerable, thus this will be part of their personality, how they try to cope, resist, suppress, fight and even justify or deny what they’ve got as family package. Horrible, but it’s real for many people. That accumulation of self-compromise is an extreme disadvantage for the individual and a massive fail for humanity as a whole too.

These scenarios bear the same mark – accumulating a lot of acceptance and allowance, one occasion by another, creating these multi-layered judgement-reaction patterns what sticks with the individual, no matter what he or she does – where she or he goes to, the memories, the associations, the trigger points and the experiences have been literally integrated into the personality and the actual human physical body, which is like a resonant aura and that is like a heavy burden, what the person carries and it’s exhausting.

Even when not thinking about all the bad things what the person keeps accepting and allowing but would not and within self-honesty: should not accept if the person could see it as having a choice on that, but perceives that there is no choice, but to endure, to carry, to accept.

That’s part of the weight: to carry that decision as the ultimate reason of acceptance and allowance: to decide, conclude and define that there is no other choice. Is it 100% that there is no other way, none, zero? Sometimes there is not and yes, sometimes there is, but that’s maybe linked to another already accumulated acceptance and allowance of something totally different perception of ‘I have no choice in that either’.

Even the person would start to look at that second point, here is a third one, totally linked with this one, and there is like ‘daa, I had no choice in that either’ – experience.

Imagine having about a hundred of those points – completely intertwined, like a spider web, weaved by my own words and emotional reactions to situations, scenarios, memories, beliefs, fears and desires – and I am sitting at the centre and I think that I am the master of this web to catch the best of life, meanwhile not realizing that I have created my own invisible prison. Well, it’s not even invisible, but from where I sit, I don’t see altogether, maybe sometimes feeling it, how difficult to freely move around without whining, blaming about problems and limitations.

Look at adults, how pathetic most of them can be when there is actually an opportunity to freely express, enjoy or share themselves – in a park – their shoes, clothes would become dirty, they don’t want to be seem as a fool, they afraid if others would see their body shape, they would be judged as fat or thin, having too small or too big boobs, there is a spot on her thighs what others would think it’s infection or well, she did not shave her legs, so other would be disgusted if she would take off her pants to go into the awesome lake. Just some silly examples. Another typical example, when dogs and their owners meet – if the dogs don’t go warrior on each other, but having fun – they are uninhibited, unrestricted, like there is no tomorrow, while the ‘owners’ are like ‘hey, nice weather’ – ‘Aham.’

Human mostly is nothing else but excuse and justification and that has to be kept and maintained all the time. Otherwise they would’ve let those silly reasons accidentally go! Crazy idea to just let go a fear or limitation, so humans are constantly re-and reacting to their trigger points of their frustrations, limitations, acceptances and allowances of self-limitations with multi-dimensionally bastioned reasons of logic, emotions, beliefs and superstitions.

That’s tiresome. A huge burden, and the person might not being aware of that it’s constantly going within one’s subconscious and unconscious, physical and quantum mind, but that’s the truth.

The conscious mind is just the tip of the iceberg, one might even ‘master’ that ‘experience’ with spiritual trickery, to keep in balance the thinking mind and have this calm balance ‘experience’, but the truth is that the mind as a sort of artificial intelligence gives it to the person, it’s so cool, for a half an hour, the person can have her/his peace, but in all other times, he/she is owned. Totally, cruelly screwed up, but this exists. I used to be there, I was so convinced in that I am reaching enlightenment, but oh boy, I had no idea what I was dealing with until started to learn the actual nature of the mind, the consciousness systems and how I am only the responsible for all my problems, which then turned out to be holding also the keys for the greatest gifts in my life with those points, of which I’ve walked through some already, and some I am still decomposing, stopping, re-defining and changing myself within living application.

That’s why it’s the Journey to life blogging, vlogging, writing every day, or if that’s too much, write as often as possible, every second day, or every third day, but has to be consistently, because the self- accepted mind-patterns are already consistent and one has to accumulate such movement, direction, self-trust and self-expression to turn the self-sabotage tide to the point of change, when it can be stopped and being able to work on walking backwards from decomposing, stopping, forgiving the already created self, who is a prey of conditions and to learn to take responsibility, to start directly moving without judgements, energetic reactions and not accepting to live in self-sabotage.

Also important to note that once someone is being able to push through inner self-resistances and really starts changing, the surroundings, one’s reality, ‘friends’, ‘family’ and the whole world might also become as a point of resistance, and this is actually good, because it is showing that the person indeed changing, and the world might not want her/him to change at first, will challenge that commitment, the temptation will become high to just give up and there one should honour self, because the real change is now indeed an opportunity if not giving into those temptations, excuses and justifications. Example: dopesmoker guy after struggling with it, finally decides to stop smoking for a while – his friends might keep persuading him to just smoke one more, one last time, just this one sip, come on it’s his birthday, blablabla – and even if the person would cut ties with his friends to not being exposed to temptations, that’s really not the solution, although sometimes common sense, but eventually the person has to stand regardless of others to really become the change what decided to live.

This is definitely not a short process, with some points yes, another ones might even take years and from individual through interpersonal towards global level the person has to face reality and to start changing self first, then supporting others and participate in a change which might support all beings equally.

But until that, the person is enslaved by tiresome judgements, reactions, excuses and justifications, all of a sudden resistances, inner conflicts and during that it’s impossible to even grasp of what’s happening on global level or what would actually mean to apply what’s best for all participants. Although that’s not really difficult, but first to be lived in relation to self here.

I was a boy, who was bullied, and I was also coward to approach some girls, but I’ve also blamed the government, lawyers, bankers, politicians, the system also for years, until I realized that this is the opposite of finding practical solutions, because I am looping to be busy with my own reactions projected to others, while not focusing to what I actually could take responsibility for and change within my own life.

Excuses and justifications are tiresome things, basically like lies – when I start to lie to somebody, others – I have to maintain, keep selling the lie, otherwise it might be exposed that it’s a lie, so I keep sneaking around, keep in my mind what I say, how I say, whom I said what – it’s so exhausting, like becoming an actor in a role which step by step overwhelms, consumes me and from a certain point I keep justifying that I can’t stop lying to come clean now, I have to maintain.

That’s basically the same with the inner excuses and justifications, just in relation to myself: I keep accepting and allowing to lie to myself.

And that’s extremely tiresome, exhausting, self-sabotaging and frustrating and thus exceptionally self-limiting.

I could come clean to sit down right now and tell myself: me fool, I lie to myself that I had no choice, I totally could have, I still have, but then I’d have to give up ‘this and that’, but by looking that, I would think, I would have to give up this and that too, and then ‘oh shit, then this might not be true either’ and if someone could just do this self-honesty for five minutes – to decompose self-lies – a person could change so much in attitude and self-image. And although it seems difficult, it can be seen also as a skill, like riding a bike, which requires practice. On straight line it’s easier, but when it becomes muddy and curvy, steepy and rocky, then I’d need skills to not fall.

And being in ‘first world’, where having food, internet, salary, car, drinkable water from taps, no regular drone bombing in my city – most of my excuses are so weak, that if I would start to write all them down and I could see them in front of me, I might just cry to what extent I have diminished that innocent, explosive and awesome little kid who I started life as.
Well, basically that’s Process – the realization to admit, to acknowledge and little step by step to see what can be understood for stopping participating in the web of excuses and justifications to be able to see what I can actually do, no matter how small that might seem, it could open the door within me and the world to be able to understand more, change further.

Always remember, as Bernard Poolman said, not exactly like this, but similarly:

Although Process seems like never ending, actual, real change is always one breath away.

Let’s wrap this up by reflecting back on how I still can experience tiredness and exhaustion.

At office, when facing difficult task, which I repeatedly tried unsuccessfully to solve – that feels like sucking the energy, the enthusiasm, the motivation from keep doing it, and the key there is maybe that is needed, to stop doing as I used to and try an other angle, not to be stiff and wanting to fight it, or win it by force, but to relax for a moment, let all go, expectations, judgements, emotions and to just be with it for a minute and this might support to reveal something I had not seen before, because I was busy reacting and feeling tired and then fighting tiredness.

Writing is an awesome support here – if I am able to word a problem, I already made a huge step, so that’s suggested to do regularly.
It’s also a skill, which schools do not pronounce and tutor with enough.

No matter how great or smart I can feel myself as, there is always possibility to expand in living potential. Rather to think such definitions of self as ‘I am so great’ – well, it is a self-definition, have a polarity, positive, all to do is to look where might be the negative aspect of that. Am I trying to compensate something here? Like balding guys with big muscle cars? Or dumb boys with huge muscles, insecure girls with fake boobs and bitchy clothes? It’s always obvious what’s going on with humans, but often they’ve became it so much that they can’t see.

In this sense, Process, writing, Self-forgiveness is a unique and exceptional self-support, which I’ve never found even close to it’s directness and effectiveness in this world, but there is one more thing what is required: cross-referencing.

Someone or multiple persons who are also walking this process, who have already walked the process of self-honesty to an extent to ensure that being able to support with another view, perspective on points without their own issues projected into it, or direct support from someone who have walked similar or the same point already. That’s why I honour the time to participate with desteni guys, it’s so refreshing to spend time with people who are dedicating their life to stop deception from within and to witness their change during the years.
Or reading their vlog regularly and I might read about something I have not yet seen within myself or currently facing and this could give an advantage – sharing is caring in this perspective, definitely.

Some of the desteni people I’ve met years ago and to see them today how much they changed is a living proof of what dedicated, committed and consistent walking of self-correction can mean. While some still do not get why not to forgive myself all at once, why keep repeating it, like a mantra, but its not the case actually – one has to be specific to the utmost possibility with scenarios, issues, self-dishonesties to recognize the exact pattern to be able to become one and equal with it’s creation. Until I do not understand it fully, I have no chance to change. So those who say they have forgiven themselves totally and now having an awesome life – careful with those, if they can’t show up the extensive amount of their ‘work of process’ or unwilling to – it’s maybe only in their head, so to ask/get support from those individuals might not manifest as ‘self-honest cross-referencing support’. Those, who regularly share their process, they genuinely dedicate and honour their time to walk points, they are standing through the test of time. Others, who appear from nowhere and ask to trust them should obviously not be trusted.
It’s same as with self – if I am not aware of something to it’s utmost within my mind – where this thought appeared from, why, for what, in which context – I should not trust that thought – it still can carry information – and maybe about my self-dishonesty to reflect back, but definitely not to blindly follow my thoughts and thus generated emotions, because then the ‘rabbit carries the hunter gun’ as they say around here, referring to how things are happening the exact opposite way as they should be: I should be the master of my mind, not the way around.
So – back to mental tiredness, giving up mentality, depression: It’s something what can be decomposed and supported with to fully understand how it’s been created, being maintained and to find practical ways to stop and let go and to discover what could be beyond such self-limitation.

Great start at http://lite.desteniiprocess.com – which is a free online course with seasoned buddy support to learn the basic components for start facing the mind, how to start accumulating understanding, commitment for actual change. And that’s quite a treasure in this world, as this is not being taught in schools and people grow up without being able to ‘own’ our own mind and not being owned by consequences, but it’s never too late to start changing, which I encourage everyone, at least try the free course, nothing to loose actually.

Thanks, enjoy, bye

Day 308 – Child’s brick wall mind model

img_6111Talking about the ‘model’ of brick wall mind of a child and how comes that most of the innocent, clever and awesome kids when they grow up ending up having all kinds of mental and emotional scars and problems to have anxiety, doubt, addiction, depression, fears, etc and thus compromising their self-trust, ability and natural expression of enjoyment and exploration of life.

Start learning life-changing self-supportive tools, skills and abilities at the unique and common sense-based free online course of DESTENI I PROCESS LITE.

Learn living to our utmost potentials by re-defining and living words:

http://schoolofultimateliving.com