Day 316 – A decade of Process

Reflecting back to my process of what I have realized and sharing one of my greatest challenges I faced during the last decade and how supportive and inspiring the desteni community, online and study material is within changing self-dishonest patterns.

I am grateful for the community called desteni(as referring to taking our and life’s destiny into our hands).

It was about ten years ago(around 2007 spring/summer, then started writing this blog in 2008 january), when I started to study and apply the material, the tools, principle within my life. Here is my first post from 2008 and my expression/English language was not as refined as today, but the message was clearly the same already:

talvlog-1There is a vast amount of online sources of study material available for supporting individual and collective understanding of various aspects of humanity, nature and existence.

Desteni I Process Lite

Desteni I Process Pro

Self-supporting audio-books

Self-supporting videos



Day 315 – Why is it difficult to be Self-honest?

IMG_3952-EditTalking about why can be difficult to apply Self-honesty when facing an opportunity to change. The halo of justifications and excuses to find everywhere and to give into one is enough to give up the decision to change.

Giving some examples of how projecting self-defined, pre-judged past memories can compromise practical change/expansion.

Why and how can regular writing be an immense support to walk through accepted and allowed self-dishonest patterns.


Study Self-Mind-Beingness and find practical solutions to change self-dishonest patterns:

Awesome online course about how to transcend

Self-support books, audio recordings

School of Ultimate Living

Day 313 – Tiredness as acceptance

img_5133-editIn my last blog I’ve mentioned tiredness. Continuing on that.

Let me describe a set of experiences: Always feeling tired, exhausted, sometimes almost literally hurts to move around, but there is nothing wrong with my body, but still, the very existence makes me feel like I am moving in dense liquid.

Sometimes there are so many inner resistances within an individual that it becomes the overall ‘life experience’: tiredness, weakness, lack of focus, vulnerable to distract, dissipated, almost like uninterested.

Then someone can suggest to take vitamin D or eat this or drink that to compensate or to say eat less sugar and carbon hydrates, start working out, etc.

Although these might be healthy suggestions, often the overall and general tiredness is the manifested consequence of accumulated acceptances and allowances of self-sabotage, self-defeat, self-compromise.

Imagine a scenario when you(just to “walk in someone’s shoes) could do something really cool, you even would literally be happy to do that, but for a little, thin, silent inner thought-voice, you just do not do that. Like helping that old guy picking up junk on the street could make sense, but you think that your groovy friends would think that you are stupid or fool or gay or whatever the trend to dislike is around this time. And they indeed could do that, so the fear is logical. The fear of judgement, exclusion and being bullied could literally do drastically change behaviour, just like that, especially for a kid: influence. And it does not matter much if it’s those kids fault of they would bully him if he would do that or ‘you'(a kid), who actually stops acting common sense based on fear of judgement, being ridiculed and bullied, even if it’s actually a self-rationalized self-judgement, but still the reality is that the person stops acting what could’ve felt like naturally do it, but did not.

That can leave a mark, a splinter in someone’s mind to create more doubt, self-judgement and shame. And then maybe blame and anger towards self and/or the others too, hey, even towards the old guy! Crazy. And imagine doing that just once a week for a year. The same thing happens, still not acting upon it, so the experience repeats itself, while the inner reactions as well.

And plus this: there is this cute girl you’d like to be with, to just hang around with, play with, nothing serious, but you are afraid to approach her by the fear of she might reject you, she would sense that you’d love to do it, more than you should show, because this might seem as a vulnerability and she could’ve laugh at you or just tell the others and everyone would point fingers at you and you’d be ashamed and you just stop even trying to approach her, but somehow within still feeling the same affection. Twisted it is. Then accepting it every day, facing the point of wanting to, but actually not doing what you’d like to do and for that you might start blaming the girl, other kids, society, the gods, or yourself, who is the one in fact not doing what seems to be the coolest. More self-judgement, shame, frustration, anger.

There is this boss and you’d really like to tell him how stupid he is but he might fire you and you just had your third kid, the loan is on the house, the wife is sick, there was grandpa’s funeral, grandma is poor and sad and the car is at repair – you literally cannot afford to lose this job, so you swallow your words, your pride but those emotions do not stop moving, just in your mind, your body, you can also go into extreme frustration, limitation and again ending up feeling powerless, exposed to forces outside of your control and being a slave and becoming totally a survival machine with no joy most of the time.

Or you follow the news, seeing these scandals of the corrupt, greedy politicians, officials stealing millions and billions, their stupidity gloats through their expression when they have a public speech, it’s so frustrating to see the country being sunk by those idiots, but what can you do, just shake your fist, even go to the street and participate in protests, but that does not really change much, or if sometimes does change a tiny point, they probably are doing much worse in the background meanwhile and you are just being distracted from the really nasty shit and when it’s being exposed in the next scandal, leaks or whistle blowing, you are now more furious and want them dead, but at the same time your life is still miserable and struggling with putting food to the family’s table. For years and years and then decades.

More extreme – having an aggressive drunk dad, who comes home every day and being the shittiest person he could ever be and his children are screwed from many angles because of him, he beats and abuses mum, sometimes the kids and those kids are exposed to the worst – every single day exactly at the times when they are the most defenceless and vulnerable, thus this will be part of their personality, how they try to cope, resist, suppress, fight and even justify or deny what they’ve got as family package. Horrible, but it’s real for many people. That accumulation of self-compromise is an extreme disadvantage for the individual and a massive fail for humanity as a whole too.

These scenarios bear the same mark – accumulating a lot of acceptance and allowance, one occasion by another, creating these multi-layered judgement-reaction patterns what sticks with the individual, no matter what he or she does – where she or he goes to, the memories, the associations, the trigger points and the experiences have been literally integrated into the personality and the actual human physical body, which is like a resonant aura and that is like a heavy burden, what the person carries and it’s exhausting.

Even when not thinking about all the bad things what the person keeps accepting and allowing but would not and within self-honesty: should not accept if the person could see it as having a choice on that, but perceives that there is no choice, but to endure, to carry, to accept.

That’s part of the weight: to carry that decision as the ultimate reason of acceptance and allowance: to decide, conclude and define that there is no other choice. Is it 100% that there is no other way, none, zero? Sometimes there is not and yes, sometimes there is, but that’s maybe linked to another already accumulated acceptance and allowance of something totally different perception of ‘I have no choice in that either’.

Even the person would start to look at that second point, here is a third one, totally linked with this one, and there is like ‘daa, I had no choice in that either’ – experience.

Imagine having about a hundred of those points – completely intertwined, like a spider web, weaved by my own words and emotional reactions to situations, scenarios, memories, beliefs, fears and desires – and I am sitting at the centre and I think that I am the master of this web to catch the best of life, meanwhile not realizing that I have created my own invisible prison. Well, it’s not even invisible, but from where I sit, I don’t see altogether, maybe sometimes feeling it, how difficult to freely move around without whining, blaming about problems and limitations.

Look at adults, how pathetic most of them can be when there is actually an opportunity to freely express, enjoy or share themselves – in a park – their shoes, clothes would become dirty, they don’t want to be seem as a fool, they afraid if others would see their body shape, they would be judged as fat or thin, having too small or too big boobs, there is a spot on her thighs what others would think it’s infection or well, she did not shave her legs, so other would be disgusted if she would take off her pants to go into the awesome lake. Just some silly examples. Another typical example, when dogs and their owners meet – if the dogs don’t go warrior on each other, but having fun – they are uninhibited, unrestricted, like there is no tomorrow, while the ‘owners’ are like ‘hey, nice weather’ – ‘Aham.’

Human mostly is nothing else but excuse and justification and that has to be kept and maintained all the time. Otherwise they would’ve let those silly reasons accidentally go! Crazy idea to just let go a fear or limitation, so humans are constantly re-and reacting to their trigger points of their frustrations, limitations, acceptances and allowances of self-limitations with multi-dimensionally bastioned reasons of logic, emotions, beliefs and superstitions.

That’s tiresome. A huge burden, and the person might not being aware of that it’s constantly going within one’s subconscious and unconscious, physical and quantum mind, but that’s the truth.

The conscious mind is just the tip of the iceberg, one might even ‘master’ that ‘experience’ with spiritual trickery, to keep in balance the thinking mind and have this calm balance ‘experience’, but the truth is that the mind as a sort of artificial intelligence gives it to the person, it’s so cool, for a half an hour, the person can have her/his peace, but in all other times, he/she is owned. Totally, cruelly screwed up, but this exists. I used to be there, I was so convinced in that I am reaching enlightenment, but oh boy, I had no idea what I was dealing with until started to learn the actual nature of the mind, the consciousness systems and how I am only the responsible for all my problems, which then turned out to be holding also the keys for the greatest gifts in my life with those points, of which I’ve walked through some already, and some I am still decomposing, stopping, re-defining and changing myself within living application.

That’s why it’s the Journey to life blogging, vlogging, writing every day, or if that’s too much, write as often as possible, every second day, or every third day, but has to be consistently, because the self- accepted mind-patterns are already consistent and one has to accumulate such movement, direction, self-trust and self-expression to turn the self-sabotage tide to the point of change, when it can be stopped and being able to work on walking backwards from decomposing, stopping, forgiving the already created self, who is a prey of conditions and to learn to take responsibility, to start directly moving without judgements, energetic reactions and not accepting to live in self-sabotage.

Also important to note that once someone is being able to push through inner self-resistances and really starts changing, the surroundings, one’s reality, ‘friends’, ‘family’ and the whole world might also become as a point of resistance, and this is actually good, because it is showing that the person indeed changing, and the world might not want her/him to change at first, will challenge that commitment, the temptation will become high to just give up and there one should honour self, because the real change is now indeed an opportunity if not giving into those temptations, excuses and justifications. Example: dopesmoker guy after struggling with it, finally decides to stop smoking for a while – his friends might keep persuading him to just smoke one more, one last time, just this one sip, come on it’s his birthday, blablabla – and even if the person would cut ties with his friends to not being exposed to temptations, that’s really not the solution, although sometimes common sense, but eventually the person has to stand regardless of others to really become the change what decided to live.

This is definitely not a short process, with some points yes, another ones might even take years and from individual through interpersonal towards global level the person has to face reality and to start changing self first, then supporting others and participate in a change which might support all beings equally.

But until that, the person is enslaved by tiresome judgements, reactions, excuses and justifications, all of a sudden resistances, inner conflicts and during that it’s impossible to even grasp of what’s happening on global level or what would actually mean to apply what’s best for all participants. Although that’s not really difficult, but first to be lived in relation to self here.

I was a boy, who was bullied, and I was also coward to approach some girls, but I’ve also blamed the government, lawyers, bankers, politicians, the system also for years, until I realized that this is the opposite of finding practical solutions, because I am looping to be busy with my own reactions projected to others, while not focusing to what I actually could take responsibility for and change within my own life.

Excuses and justifications are tiresome things, basically like lies – when I start to lie to somebody, others – I have to maintain, keep selling the lie, otherwise it might be exposed that it’s a lie, so I keep sneaking around, keep in my mind what I say, how I say, whom I said what – it’s so exhausting, like becoming an actor in a role which step by step overwhelms, consumes me and from a certain point I keep justifying that I can’t stop lying to come clean now, I have to maintain.

That’s basically the same with the inner excuses and justifications, just in relation to myself: I keep accepting and allowing to lie to myself.

And that’s extremely tiresome, exhausting, self-sabotaging and frustrating and thus exceptionally self-limiting.

I could come clean to sit down right now and tell myself: me fool, I lie to myself that I had no choice, I totally could have, I still have, but then I’d have to give up ‘this and that’, but by looking that, I would think, I would have to give up this and that too, and then ‘oh shit, then this might not be true either’ and if someone could just do this self-honesty for five minutes – to decompose self-lies – a person could change so much in attitude and self-image. And although it seems difficult, it can be seen also as a skill, like riding a bike, which requires practice. On straight line it’s easier, but when it becomes muddy and curvy, steepy and rocky, then I’d need skills to not fall.

And being in ‘first world’, where having food, internet, salary, car, drinkable water from taps, no regular drone bombing in my city – most of my excuses are so weak, that if I would start to write all them down and I could see them in front of me, I might just cry to what extent I have diminished that innocent, explosive and awesome little kid who I started life as.
Well, basically that’s Process – the realization to admit, to acknowledge and little step by step to see what can be understood for stopping participating in the web of excuses and justifications to be able to see what I can actually do, no matter how small that might seem, it could open the door within me and the world to be able to understand more, change further.

Always remember, as Bernard Poolman said, not exactly like this, but similarly:

Although Process seems like never ending, actual, real change is always one breath away.

Let’s wrap this up by reflecting back on how I still can experience tiredness and exhaustion.

At office, when facing difficult task, which I repeatedly tried unsuccessfully to solve – that feels like sucking the energy, the enthusiasm, the motivation from keep doing it, and the key there is maybe that is needed, to stop doing as I used to and try an other angle, not to be stiff and wanting to fight it, or win it by force, but to relax for a moment, let all go, expectations, judgements, emotions and to just be with it for a minute and this might support to reveal something I had not seen before, because I was busy reacting and feeling tired and then fighting tiredness.

Writing is an awesome support here – if I am able to word a problem, I already made a huge step, so that’s suggested to do regularly.
It’s also a skill, which schools do not pronounce and tutor with enough.

No matter how great or smart I can feel myself as, there is always possibility to expand in living potential. Rather to think such definitions of self as ‘I am so great’ – well, it is a self-definition, have a polarity, positive, all to do is to look where might be the negative aspect of that. Am I trying to compensate something here? Like balding guys with big muscle cars? Or dumb boys with huge muscles, insecure girls with fake boobs and bitchy clothes? It’s always obvious what’s going on with humans, but often they’ve became it so much that they can’t see.

In this sense, Process, writing, Self-forgiveness is a unique and exceptional self-support, which I’ve never found even close to it’s directness and effectiveness in this world, but there is one more thing what is required: cross-referencing.

Someone or multiple persons who are also walking this process, who have already walked the process of self-honesty to an extent to ensure that being able to support with another view, perspective on points without their own issues projected into it, or direct support from someone who have walked similar or the same point already. That’s why I honour the time to participate with desteni guys, it’s so refreshing to spend time with people who are dedicating their life to stop deception from within and to witness their change during the years.
Or reading their vlog regularly and I might read about something I have not yet seen within myself or currently facing and this could give an advantage – sharing is caring in this perspective, definitely.

Some of the desteni people I’ve met years ago and to see them today how much they changed is a living proof of what dedicated, committed and consistent walking of self-correction can mean. While some still do not get why not to forgive myself all at once, why keep repeating it, like a mantra, but its not the case actually – one has to be specific to the utmost possibility with scenarios, issues, self-dishonesties to recognize the exact pattern to be able to become one and equal with it’s creation. Until I do not understand it fully, I have no chance to change. So those who say they have forgiven themselves totally and now having an awesome life – careful with those, if they can’t show up the extensive amount of their ‘work of process’ or unwilling to – it’s maybe only in their head, so to ask/get support from those individuals might not manifest as ‘self-honest cross-referencing support’. Those, who regularly share their process, they genuinely dedicate and honour their time to walk points, they are standing through the test of time. Others, who appear from nowhere and ask to trust them should obviously not be trusted.
It’s same as with self – if I am not aware of something to it’s utmost within my mind – where this thought appeared from, why, for what, in which context – I should not trust that thought – it still can carry information – and maybe about my self-dishonesty to reflect back, but definitely not to blindly follow my thoughts and thus generated emotions, because then the ‘rabbit carries the hunter gun’ as they say around here, referring to how things are happening the exact opposite way as they should be: I should be the master of my mind, not the way around.
So – back to mental tiredness, giving up mentality, depression: It’s something what can be decomposed and supported with to fully understand how it’s been created, being maintained and to find practical ways to stop and let go and to discover what could be beyond such self-limitation.

Great start at – which is a free online course with seasoned buddy support to learn the basic components for start facing the mind, how to start accumulating understanding, commitment for actual change. And that’s quite a treasure in this world, as this is not being taught in schools and people grow up without being able to ‘own’ our own mind and not being owned by consequences, but it’s never too late to start changing, which I encourage everyone, at least try the free course, nothing to loose actually.

Thanks, enjoy, bye

Day 308 – Child’s brick wall mind model

img_6111Talking about the ‘model’ of brick wall mind of a child and how comes that most of the innocent, clever and awesome kids when they grow up ending up having all kinds of mental and emotional scars and problems to have anxiety, doubt, addiction, depression, fears, etc and thus compromising their self-trust, ability and natural expression of enjoyment and exploration of life.

Start learning life-changing self-supportive tools, skills and abilities at the unique and common sense-based free online course of DESTENI I PROCESS LITE.

Learn living to our utmost potentials by re-defining and living words:

Day 306 – Integrity revisiting

img_1063Let’s walk around the word Integrity again.


the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles.
the state of being whole and undivided.

Often can be read online about certain politicians ‘not having integrity’ – meaning they deceit, lie, cheat, use and abuse – and it’s obviously something unappealing.

People tend to listen and follow leaders who has integrity, who are honest, not sugar-coating truth, even if it’s hard.
If it’s such a good thing, why not everyone ‘has’ integrity?

At Harvard Business Review I found an article about this. The author mentions ‘rationalization’ as one reason why people can ‘skip’ integrity as something to live up to, because within the individual momentary reality it’s logical to choose what’s apparently the easiest/shortest/quickest way to get what they currently want.

So integrity might mean to look beyond self-interest and also considering consequences for oneself and other participants as well. It’s like a temptation to cheat on a test, especially if it’s easily doable.

Or an other example: going abroad, cheating on my partner – when the chance is really low that he/she will never know it – well, it all depends on the agreement partners have and also personal preconditioning.

For instance personally I would not mind if my partner would have an awesome and safely enjoyable night, but I’d certainly pull back my built up trust if we AGREED on not doing such yet would happen. So for me, it’s not about the action, but the trust we have. If my partner would approach me that this is once in a lifetime opportunity for something really-really cool or relevant – I’d say sure, but it’s just me – and probably would depend on what agreement I am within with who – but for me the agreement, the power of words to being lived as agreed and thus the trust is more relevant.

The trust is also something what relates to this integrity point – I really have to trust myself first to be able to see what I can and cannot, what I should and what I should not do and even considering that I do mistakes and then still trust myself, but not the approach I took with that within what I made the mistake.

Words are really cool as I can literally explore my source code of my mind – people mystify and glorify consciousness and come with this spiritual or religious explanation, but everything is right here.
All I can think and feel, remember and react is always here with me. Do I develop an ability to read, to hear, to listen, to feel myself? That’s completely up to me. It’s not even money-related – sure if someone has to work 15 hours in a mine for survival, then it’s really limited on how much someone can ‘work’ on understanding Self, but within the civilized world, such as modern western, eastern countries – it’s all possible. Bit by bit, word by word – anyone can discover all depths of their mind. Yet no one walks this path.

Those who claim they know it all should be cross-referenced with Integrity. Time as consistency and space as manifested consequences will tell. Are they honorable, whole, true to themselves? Did stop all inner conflict and friction, judgement and suppression? Truly be honest with myself, constantly and consistently – that’s integrity.

Am I ‘there‘ yet? I see within me, no. I can see hesitation, judgement, frustration sometimes. Do I accept myself within that? No. Sometimes yes, then when it overwhelms me, I realize I have to stop it for real, for ever and to see what’s beyond the war of my consciousness. The unification of man, to stand in existence, regardless of when or where, or any time and anywhere, or – all the time and everywhere and live the words fully, to my utmost potential: I am Here.

The more I learn about myself, the more I also have the opportunity not just knowing, but becoming aware of how I’ve made up to who I am today, and within that I understand my creation.

Brutal and absolute self-honesty is key. To not lie to myself and to word things as they are.

For instance any visual-based attraction is basically mind-porn, mental masturbation.
Desire to have an attractive partner is to get hooked on this mind-drug self-interest experience of being happy.

Sure something can be referred as ‘nice’ – but that is not real – only a perception, someone can feel good about it, but it’s the same energy in nature as someone reacts to something being defined as ‘ugly’. Not real.
Totally subjective, result of a ‘rationalization’, which is always someone’s interest to trying to shortcut for a result without considering the consequences of their actions.

If I would have a partner, who with I agreed to not ‘cheat’ on her – let’s say sexually – yet I’d do it, I’d be in trouble – if I tell her, that’s why, if I don’t tell her, then that’s why – it would remain in my mind.
From that point – whenever I would experience something cool with her – I could totally imagine being able to ruin that with telling her the truth. Or let’s say – for my own interest, not telling the truth.

Sure I can rationalize, for ‘her good also’ not to tell, or ‘I needed this’, ‘she would never know’, ‘I did let this out from my system’, or whatever justifications I would come up in order to keep up with this, but from that it’s quite questionable how real this partnership is.

Does it worth that much? In relation to myself – and my partner – for a momentary energetic temptation to risk ruining something mid-or longer term creation?

This is just a draft, a simple example, but in real life, there are much more complex situations, events and actions take place in relation to the word Integrity to reflect self back of Who I am and who I am becoming.

Sure anyone can and do mistakes, but the relevant question is what I am going to do about it?

For me Integrity is also about the question – how can I live the way that I can look into my eyes up to eternity without feeling any shame or regret?
If the whole existence would suddenly end and then I would need to meet each and every single individual being in the universe and look into their ‘eye’ – and not to feel shame and regret.

Certainly something to consider at heightened energetic mind-stated temptations. Sure, when there is no stake, take opportunity to live, but it does not mean not to consider manifested consequences.

My mother’s most important parenting point I remember is this:

In all circumstances, remain man.

It’s not gender-related, but being Man. Not only human, but MAN. This might mean nothing, but for me, it’s part of my integrity code. Whenever I get myself into, to always remain the man who I would trust and respect.

Sure I can become an animal, what is scared, bloodthirsty, or a demon, what is greedy and evil, but to always be a man of integrity. That’s my compass, and even if I find myself lost in oblivion within the consciousness systems I find myself within – I forgive myself and I re-align and I commit myself to change. That is the only relevant point I can trust, my self-honesty, everything else is it’s consequence of living this or not living it.

To be awfully specific today, let’s check what I see within myself in relation to integrity, as questionable, what I should decompose, stop and let go within my actions and reactions I’ve went through today.

Chewing my mouth within. I used to do this when I was a kid and I was anxious. It returned since a short while and it’s a symptom of participating within troubling thoughts, just not seeing them honestly, clearly, yet energetically influencing me. Literally means: I am eating myself up by self-judgments with what I do not step to the solution phase, but be overwhelmed with the reactions to those judgments.
Rationalizing: at the moment of chewing, it feels calming, satisfying in a weird way. Then the surface of my mouth within is not even, so then I try to chew near to it to make it more even – and then next to that I have to continue…And even if I stop doing it for a while – it starts to heal and then it becomes more uneven, then it’s so tempting to chew that part again. But that’s how the thinking/reactive mind works, it’s just a possible physical manifestation of that. Not as I would chew to bleed, it’s really about a millimeter, but still it’s self-dishonest obviously, as it’s a symptom of anxiety, what I have to take responsibility for.
I met with somebody a week ago and I think/believe that she would like to meet me, but I do not really want it, and there was no agreement or actual discussion about, but I did not face this point directly within myself, thus it was experienced as some uncertainty, even a slight worry of she might feel bad about me not approaching her, but I do not want to. And to approach her about not wanting to approach her seems illogical and weird actually, so I chose not to do anything about it, yet creating this friction within.
It was just comfortable to take the opportunity to have something casual and enjoyable but with a person who I’d not consider as a possible partner. Although I did not communicated that with her, it ‘seemed’ like a mutual agreement on that point, but did not clarify it as brutally honestly as I could, in order to not risk influencing her to not want to see/sleep with me at all. Weird. I’d rather approach someone else, who I know, but I did not yet do that, due to doubt/uncertainty/procrastination. I’d guess it can be seen as normal in society, but within self-honesty it’s too messy, especially if I react with uncertainty, conflict: self-dishonesty.

Considering financial restrictions and possibilities, defining too tight and uncertain my ‘future’ in regarding to when I would be able to get/buy/afford the things I plan, defined needing. It’s alright to consider this, but to go into worry seems counter-productive, especially instead of worrying, rather to apply that effort to see the problem with common sense and to consider what would be a possible solution and then to try that in real action.
It’s also a stimulative game, as I am capable of sorting any kind of this mess in the matter of seconds if I want to – just take income, list spending, see where I have to make the cut, what then has to ‘go’ and then not doing that, not spending ‘there’ and I am good to go. Bam! I mean, I’ve finished bookkeeping school, learned micro- and macro-economy, studied artificial intelligence, programming mathematics. It’s nothing. But if I go into the maze of my consciousness of what-ifs based on doubt, emotions and worry – I end up totally sabotaging the highly effective clinical abilities and skills I could apply to problems. This is also again: self-dishonesty.

This simple – In relation to Integrity and Self-honesty, I have work to do.
See – people can easily see their mess, but then to do something about it, that’s another story.

Here comes Desteni I Process into the picture – the whole course is about supporting this awareness and change process. Tools for Self-change.

I apply self-forgiveness on what I have accepted and allowed specifically, thus I become aware of the pattern and my responsibility to give myself the opportunity to release myself from this pattern.

Then I commit myself to change in specific circumstances I’ve realized, to decide to really find practical solutions to change, no giving up.

Then I re-define my words, relationships to words, pre-script when I will do what to structure and support my awareness on how to approach change. Writing the screenplay of my story, so then instead of falling back to old patterns, to have a plan how to avoid the already known self-dishonesty.

Yet within the moment – all of these are extremely supporting – eventually I have to do, move, change, in the moment, one and equal with my breath and body.

So, Integrity – people expect politicians to have it – but it’s something what cannot be expected, but directly lived, as an example. If the ‘people’ will start to live integrity, they become self-leaders, and then some of those self-leaders will get to more relevant, responsible positions and then things can change.

But to shake my fists to corrupt politicians as they have no integrity – it’s completely futile and self-dishonest. I have to Live Integrity first. How can I expect something what I do not give – to myself and others as well. Simple as 1×1.

Day 268 – Contemplating on existence

IMG_2667Today I start with by my observations of my external reality and then reflecting it back to self here.

So many impressions I have every day and so many things seem so solid, blunt and direct, which is obviously the physical world we live within, the infrastructure and human system for instance – industry, development, mass traffic and transit, very simple and also highly sophisticated machinery, everything being animated with lazy precision, each part of this massive system apparently exactly knows what’s its purpose and where it is going.

Myself also, I every day drive out from the village area, through a little town into the capital city, climbing a small mountain on a thin road and then descending towards the bridge of the river and by crossing it reaching the heart of the city, where I drive into the underground parking garage of the office where I work.
Permeating so many things and often wondering, apparently everyone exactly KNOWS what they are doing, where are going and I would think that they also are aware of the WHY too.
It’s interesting that in the city, everyone seems to be in a hurry and not really liking when being held up, so in this sense, there is not much spontaneity or randomness. Everyone is highly scheduled and constantly occupied with where they have to go, so then they just do, almost like – automatically.
Obviously, if I am sick, I go to doctor, if I need to buy a wheelbarrow, I go to the store, that is a no-brainer.

I like to imagine the idea of that I actually had a decision before doing an action, or in this example: finding the need to be somewhere else before starting to go there.

Since my childhood, I always wondered: what keeps this system alive, where to look to find the deeper meaning, the origin point of this apparently automatic pre-occupation of everyone so to speak.

When I started to work on peeling off the onion of my own mind personality, a dreadful realization hit me, that most beings in this existence simply keep going in the same patterns based on a fear or hope: fear from ceasing to exist, fear from the unknown, and a hope to find a better future, a better one than what we have right here and now.

Simply asking myself: Why I go to work – I need the money to have food and shelter, to express myself, to share myself, to basically buy a life which is not bad and be able to work on the projects I feel I need to do.
Why I go to a party? To enjoy myself and others, to be entertained, to have fascinating experiences. For instance.

What I noticed and still keep noticing since many years is that from outside it’s so obvious, certain and determined, but when I really look at my options, there can be uncertainty, doubt, even anxiety, which I might not even realize, but throughout the years, my human physical body is picking these up and ‘keeping them for me’ and by this accumulation starting to show signs of imperfection.

Many people around me has physical or even mental problems and they keep asking ‘why’ and ‘how to stop’ and it’s so inherent within all of us to accept and embrace, endure and allow the circumstances and consequences we face to determine the patterns we are headed to continue within.

When I was really troubled back there, before started to walk the self-support of Desteni I Process and Self-forgiveness and to give up the false ideas in my head – I often felt that something is wrong here, with me, with the world, but I could not word it, though it was right in front of my eyes, I just could not see.

The very essence of our perception, the capacity to perceive, notice, see, process and understand things, ourselves and each other is where we omit to focus, just like as the sword can’t cut itself, the camera can’t record itself – with our already developed, formed, habituated and matured personality and mind consciousness: we are unable to see that, which with we identified ourselves with, thus literally not seeing the forest from the tree so to speak.

Might seem as a cliche to quote from The Matrix movie, but I really agree with this:

“…The Matrix is everywhere, it is all around us, even now in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes. It is the world, that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth. What truth? That you are a slave, Neo.
Like everyone else, you were born into bondage, born into a prison that you cannot smell or taste or touch, a prison for your mind…”

We cannot see what we are became as it is part of our self-definition, even if it’s extreme self-limitation. So many examples are here – just like how ‘natural’ to teach war and destruction, abuse and genocide to kids, it’s shocking and we justify it by saying ‘it’s the truth’ – yes it is, but it does not mean we should accept as our nature, as based on common sense, proven studies: human nature actually can be changed as it is of the mind consciousness, what is programmable by words, thus each one’s responsibility to understand and re-align the mind to step out our self-created mind-matrix-prison.
The study of the human mind consciousness system – because it is a systematic manifestation – is essential here in order to gain a really aware momentum about where we are coming from, what are we doing and where we are going to. Beyond the endless cycles of daily routines.

Mostly only those wonder about how to change their life who are suffering – the happy people seem to remain intact with their personal bubble of life, which really questions the validation and justification of their own interest for maintaining their pursuit for good experiences without wanting to see the consequences of their actions to everybody else.

Regardless of how ridiculous it sounds – I really worked hard on letting go this obsession with happiness, because it’s merely a mirage – simply the capacity to find something within my mind by which I can feel good and then get things done in reality to induce it. Individualism, liberalism, free choice people can refer this – for me it’s self-deception, because it relies to self-definitions, judgements, convictions and whenever I really scratch these within myself, always finding a lot of layers which beyond there is just some fear.

To commit myself to live without any fear – this is worthy of stating, sounding and sharing. I used to be a some sort of ‘daredevil’ – to chase out specific fears in my mind and then forcing myself to go through these experiences by inducing and creating circumstances where I could face these and do which I had the resistances to – seemed like I sermonized fear itself and showed who is the boss and convincing myself that I do not fear, just to actually justify not to see what I really fear from, which is always the same for everyone: the unknown, which is actually SELF HERE.

How ridiculous it sounds that I would fear from who I am already here, but when letting go all excuses, thoughts, feelings, emotions with their own limited, binary system of positive and negative, it is common sense: I am already here, regardless of what I think or feel, I already act, cause consequences, create and manifest what’s coming next, so why even bother to listen to these thoughts, feelings, emotions I’ve been subjected in my past and now echoing back? If I really ask why, then it’s obvious: because I do not know, I do not dare, I do not feel, I do not see, I do not live directly.

Then I dare to ask why.

See, to pin-point the core problem is not that difficult, even a stoner or a drunk can experience this moment of awareness in a sudden, genuine self-reflection, but knowledge itself is merely useless, because in fact we always already know this shit, we all are aware of that we are not absolutely self-honest and the question is that do we really invest time, effort, work to understand the specificity and exact detail of our own self-deception to be able to realize the distance we walked away from this simple way of existence: consistent and absolute self-honesty.

I never liked compromises, somehow just can make me mad and edgy, so I make decisions carefully, however what I often do not realize is that the compromises I already made, already integrated into my personality and thus already expressing, animating and ‘living’ by them, of them, as them.

I have realized, that if I go into thinking, listening to back-chat, having inner conversation, dialogue, ‘hearing’ the silent words in my head: I am in fear, not really existing as self-honesty, but of fear, because I do not live directly, I do not realize, see, understand directly, but in a way degrading myself into this binary system of separated self-interest of good and bad, positive and negative, me and them, here and there.

It seems like it’s a spiritual mumbo-jumbo is being indicated here, such as ‘no separation, oneness, everything is equal’ stuff, which would mean that when using mind, thoughts, feelings, emotions is actually inferior, but what if it is indeed?

Who goes into an investigation to reveal the extent of our own self-created limitations, compromises and delusions by our own mind consciousness system in order to start agreeing that thoughts, feelings and emotions, the way we rely to these are really self-dishonest actions?

Science cannot be relied to or trusted as it is animated only by already infected ideas from consciousness systems, such as to prove something or earn profit, lessen or multiply harm based on an INTEREST. And if all not included, it’s not self-honest, as who I am is IN THE REST too, not just ME, as this mind MEME.

The question I asked from myself was: “Am I really free?” And my answer was NO. And then the next question is: “Do I really want to get free? And my answer was, is and will be: YES.

Even the very idea of ‘freedom’ means only one thing: ‘slavery’. In order to even conceive freedom, I have to have it’s opposite.

Also many people I know of eventually state in reflection to freedom: ‘I would like to be free, but I can’t’.
Then the common sense is to ask why and how.

Also often get the answer – “I am a coward, so no, I can’t and probably won’t be free.” – is it really cowardice – to not face the fears we experience, to not answer the questions we have questions for?
I used to directly approach people and within some moments I could ‘feel’ that if the person is willing to and ready to ask the relevant questions and also daring to answer them, as we are the problem, we hold the key to the solution too!
However I also realized that this always starts with self here – am I willing to and actually living this decision to let go the fear?
It is not even the fear we fear – as it’s merely nothing – ridiculous to even think that I would fear from disappearing as if I really would do so – then nothing to fear from actually – I have troubles and then not – what is that strives to continue? Maybe as we feel that there is no escape from facing manifested consequences, maybe we exactly know deep within what is the actual self-dishonesty points we accept to hide behind and that is scary.
But everything can be decomposed within the mind – that is a cool indication of a developed, responsible human being – who can understand the relationships within one’s mind and to ask – is it supporting me and others? And if not, then to see – how can I let go the false ideas, how can I re-define words to be able to live them as myself as supportive and enjoyable, to accumulate consequences from which I do not have to fear and hide?
Certainly worthy of practical consideration. For a while, back there, I believed that this can be supported with mind-altering substances.

I used to use psychedelic drugs in order to push my limits and expand my perception. At least I believed so, however one of the last times I used marijuana since quite some years ago was a very pragmatic experience: I had an insight and I started to ask why I have this experience, and then there was an answer within me, from me, which gave birth to another question and then another answer came and this was going on for a while.

I dared not to stop finding REAL answers within me, from me. That simple self-liberation can be started with.

Yes, there were some uncomfortable, even hurtful and truthful moments of realizations about aspects of myself I discovered as self-dishonest, not so honourable or even weak/spiteful/selfish, but the most important point is to also realize: yes, I am like this today, but does not mean I have to stay so, thus the decision to change I stand up to.

In fact, from that moment I never ‘needed’ any drug anymore – as I realized, I can ask and answer – and if I can’t answer that, then I go deeper and ask why is that and then answer that – and if still can’t, then digging deeper, until the big wall of resistance and ‘mystical’ ‘truths’ starts to be smaller by building bricks of words, and their relationships, energetic reactions and the more I decompose, let go, re-define, the more I can develop this skill to ask and answer directly – no stuff needed, no ritual either, just ‘plain’ self-honesty.

People think that their way of thinking is determined, part of who they really are, but it’s part of a conditioning, pre-programming and can be changed – takes effort and time, but possible if one knows how to walk the path to become self-honest.

This is the moment of Awakening to Purpose – self-honesty and the decision to live it

In a way, I am my own living example of change is possible, even the nasty ones, my substance addiction, fear from responsibility and the most relevant: fear from being here, facing self – can be decomposed as patterns of the mind and to apply self-forgiveness to take responsibility and find practical ways to stop and change my perception, thinking, words and behaviour.

Many people want to change the world to a better place, but it’s imperative to recognize that change must come from within, self, here, otherwise it’s called control and enslavement, which will be then resisted and fought based on the fear of loss, which is the same fear from self changing self and as it’s being resisted, suppressed, individuals keep accumulating to manifest it on the physical level, as there is this saying: what goes around, comes around.
Eventually we have to realize that we have limited ourselves within a closed system, shared by all of us equally.

All I wrote here today was to pronounce that I claim to have a purpose, a direction, a clarity and stability, what I lacked before and it’s still a process, but I always reflect back when I spend a lot of time with other people who obviously stumble,just as I did before and not yet realizing this specific Purpose to accumulate actions to become absolutely self-honest and to live that directly in each moment equally.

Not to jump into conclusions, but happiness is merely a fragile mirage within our own persona and to realize that it is a facade is not a difficult thing if we are willing to include others also into the life-equation here.

How can I justify to build and maintain my experience of happiness if it costs to other beings suffering?
If we really look at how the current world system has built, it is really interconnected through money, economy, law, corporations, etc…even if I do not admit it and I ‘just try to stay cool under the radar’ – I am participant of the ‘Matrix’, the big system, what seems so giant that if we compare ourselves to, we feel powerless, but only because we did not yet research the actual accumulation and consequence each individual ‘sacrifices’ to this system in order to maintain their own bubble of self-interested existence. Except there is a limit and eventually noone will be able to hide or escape from all what we caused within existence, so better to stand up here and now today and take responsibility.

Excuses everyone can have, but to not stand up to what could be better is ‘highly illogical’, as we will all die anyway, so to fear from being destroyed by those who already have the power and want to keep it – it’s all in reverse.
We feel that we should respect to have the meaning of our life by at least trying to enjoy it, but in fact what we ‘feel’ and ‘experience’ is really meaningless, because will not accumulate to what is best for all others, therefore one day will come back inevitably.

Even if the answer here is that ‘our very existence is cannibalistic, we kill and eat other animals/plants’ does not justify to abuse other humans, to marginalize, exclude and disregard any children, who are we all know innocent and will become rotten of our systematic joke of ‘civilization’, wherein up to this day genocide, annihilation and extinction is our subtitle if we dare to be honest of what humans are really doing on this Earth.

Yes, there are nice moments, beautiful playground experiences, great positive feelings and lots of fun, but most humans do not dare to know what is the price for these and everyone who live in abundant and somewhat happy life are part of the elite, while 4/5 of the human population never actually lives but survives day by day with bitter hope, building anger and hunger for revenge.
And also yes, there is a thin layer of leadership, corporate, banking, law and military ruling class, groups, cabals, who grasp most of the money, military and actual power around here, but they would be literally nothing if people really would stand up to their own self-interest, self-dishonesty and self-limitation and simply starting LIVING and taking responsibility and accumulate what is really best for all participants, which is to stop this.

Maybe I am idealistic, but if I am really self-honest, to accept the current system and justify it as “it was always like this” or “there is no better way” or “it is human nature” – then, this would mean I am still enslaved by my own mind, by my own fear to not be able to think outside of the box and dare to be free, because it’s simple common sense, mathematically prove-able that there could be a system that would support all participants and to be really able to start working to minimize and eventually sort out the abuse, the cannibalism, the hate and fear. Just have to start it and walk the process breath by breath, starting with our own mind, which actually owns us, that’s our debt we all have to pay back if we want to leave the cult of death, simply because living through the mind is certainly not living.

Self-support online course to change self and discover self-honesty:

Self-supporting audio and video:

School of Ultimate Living(SOUL):

Day 258 – Party, Drugs and Awareness part 1

dance-1Recently I’ve visited a contemporary dance event, it’s type was psytrance. Since quite some years I visit these kind of parties and as I’ve changed during my process of self-realization, my starting point, experience and the very self-expression also have been transformed, which I’d like to concisely share. Well, not that concisely, so this might just be a part of my future book of my story of finding myself and my responsibility, purpose and stability, direction and self-honesty, more simply: from consciousness to awareness.

First time I visited a similar party, it was drum and bass and I took acid, which hit me quite intensely. I’ve shared that within my vlogs some years ago, but in short: it was literally a mind blowing experience, which opened a lot of doors within myself, thus I decided to continue to experiment with these inner sets and external settings.

I’ve found that the combination of a mass event with very dominant and repetitive music with lots of bass was really intensifying the effect of the psychedelic substance, which I’ve used to ‘break through’ to the ‘other side’ of my mind, existence, myself to discover and explore what is beyond my conscious mind, personality, the reality I see every day.

It was not a comfortable experience in the beginning as I felt myself literally turning inside out and losing everything what I’ve defined before and it felt like a more direct, raw sampling of reality and myself without any thoughts, judgements, definitions or preconceptions, beliefs, but I rather felt like a newborn baby with virgin eyes and mind.

Many times people take on these experiences within controlled environment, wherein they can relax, choose what to experience, avoid things not wanting to experience, being with selected individuals and also many times rather depriving from external stimuli, so then they can focus more to what’s within. That I also did, but in fact from the beginning I had this fascination to not wanting to control anything, not wanting to select who I meet with(to a certain degree, usually parties are safe, nothing real war going around), because I have realized that even the personality-mechanism with I would ‘set up’ the setting around me should not be trusted or regarded if I really want to let go everything of the past and purely explore what’s in front of me with more possibility and less control.

Also there is a certain aspect when I am among many, when I am in close proximity of many other people, then I can’t hide or pull back from anything what is coming as internal or external experience, but dare to face it, deal with it, adapt, expand and transcend.

Sounds great and after a couple of d&b parties, somehow I was introduced to goa trance. It’s a specific trance music, which kind of originates from a part of South-India, Goa, where hippie and acid subculture mixed up with house and trance music, wherein these specific kind of mind-stimulating, intensifying, tripping melodies and sound effects were played at parties and from there it spread the world, even to Hungary.

The 4/4 base with strong kick drum and snappy, vibrant bass line combined with open and closed hihats creates something interesting ‘in the air’ if well put together and played loud enough, it creates this kind of flow, which feels like it’s constant, yet stimulating, progressing and can help to put a person into a trance.
Of course, there is more than the baseline, but that’s the foundation and then can be effects, melodies, ‘story’ and even harmonies, dissonant sounds, whatever.

It’s like a modern version of tribal music near to the fire – this is just more loud, so then hundreds or even thousands of people can dance together.

They call it psychedelic, because people often take psychedelic drugs at these events, not everybody and not always, but most of them try it at some point, because it can help develop the person to tune to the music further. At least that’s what is being said. Also it’s significant that there are mostly evolving, heightening, developing patterns, what kind of simulate a frequency raising or keeping it high, while most people dance.

So it’s linked to dancing, however for me in the first years it was not about dancing, but rather just standing at the edge of it and listening, observing, watching inside as well and really looking how my mind and beingness resonates with all of these effects altogether and to see where is the least inner conflict, how I can find the flow, losing my judgements and have this oneness experience.

So this was when I took acid mostly and people kept saying about ecstasy as that is the dance and opening up substance, but I really resisted it, as people on it looked weird when I observed them while I was on acid. Like their eyes were more popping out and they seemed to be fast in their mind, while I really enjoyed that I fully slowed down and I was able to relate and connect with those who were also slowed down within extensively.
But after a while, I gave in, and I also wanted to try this dance thing, so took the ecstasy and after a while I just went to dance and I was actually enjoying it, so that stayed – did not need any more of the substance, however I’ve tried it two more times combined with acid(“candyflip”), but then I was dancing ‘by default’ already, and after all, I did not feel the need for it anymore, but it was a ‘gateway drug’ to start dancing and enjoy myself extensively meanwhile also making the first step to not just wander around in my mind, but also to ‘work’ with my body.

Dancing in crowd requires a bit of skill and also demands a certain level of presence not to step to others or stumble into them, especially when it is not open space or people are crowding up near to the front, where music sounds best or close to the stage…Also to effectively move around dancing people, some likes that, some not, I always enjoyed it, it felt like I am kid again and strolling through adults mischievously while I can look, see, even interact with many kind of people, it’s like a kaleidoscope of humans, which is unpredictable and kind of continuous, so I enjoyed it.
Many people are uncomfortable being among others, especially when their conscious mind is shattered, twisted, melted down or exploded, because then they have no idea what’s going to happen, how they would react to something unpredictable, so facing the unknown can be frightening – or fascinating, depending on the starting point I guess, but for me, even at some times I had this swirling, friction within while being ‘exposed to’ basically endless amount of strangers who all can see me what I do, which can again: can be alright, I embrace who and how I am, even when viciously high on multiple substances, and for some it’s scary to think about that option.
I mean, in the beginning it’s really unknown territory, one just hope that will not start slicing other people up when the unconscious/subconscious mind melts together with the conscious-apparently controller mind…
Sometimes I did weird things, like one time I really liked a girl’s hair so I touched her, who was just in front of me, but not to the point of annoyance, it was rather just a moment of ‘hey, it’s cool, touch it, okay, next moment’ – but it’s part of the deal as I decided – I will face who I am, and if shit happens, I will deal with it, or I won’t but still, I will not hold onto fear to limit myself, just because I do not know, because in fact: I want to know!

Well, this does not sound that bad, but I needed some years while I got familiar, comfortable and became really smooth and relaxed meanwhile the stuff I took sometimes felt like a sledgehammer or a nuclear meltdown in my mind and body, so there was this friction also, which peaked up to a point from where ‘the trip flipped’ and then I was kind of flowing, no thoughts, worries, negative emotions or even positive feelings, but I was just kind of moving.
In a certain way, it’s a ‘little’ death, because who I perceive myself to be, all can ‘die’ in a way within me, because I lose everything I was holding onto and nothing remains, just me, which also can be really-really scary, but in a way it can show me that even after I lost everything I was holding onto in my mind, I can still be here and express myself…That’s why people refer acid, mushroom, dmt and similar psychedelics as ‘ego-killer’ and in a way I have to agree with but only to a certain degree.

Meanwhile I also did many ‘private’ sessions with selected people at certain type of locations, so I did not just exclusively blew my mind at parties, but that was consistent.

In terms of dancing – as this whole story was in fact a sort of introduction, to give a context, from where I started it, I developed some perceptions, preconceptions and self-definitions about it, which later proven to be self-limiting, however it was not obvious first. That’s also one reason I share within this amount of details, so that others from similar context can relate. Because only later I realized I was self-dishonest about many things, which as I did forgive myself for those self-acceptances(meaning stopped participating acting out the patterns I realized I was self-dishonest about), I’ve liberated myself from many self-limitations, yet as I stated before – I still do visit these events and can enjoy them extensively without any substance and self-definitions.

I must state out also that this is not about the drugs as those are good or bad, from my perspective, who went through a lot of those before and since several years completely stopped taking, I can say these are not necessary, and yet if taken, can prolong or distract/diverse one’s process of self-realization.

Self-realization here I refer as to understand who I am, my creation, how I am, who I am, where I came from, where I am going to, what is real, what is not, what is my responsibility and to see what is the purpose or directive principle being applied here in existence in overall.

I guess, as with many other substances, even with alcohol, people might can have the ‘aim’ for self-support so to speak, but these mind-altering drugs are specific in my view, because these can catalyze, magnify and even disrupt or completely block certain mind and body processes.

So, what I used dancing for was the following – I did dance for hours, one-two-three-four hours for instance, only going out for some minutes, hydrate, but mostly dancing with the very loud and dominant music, which is many times is so loud that it literally feels like it is washing away my own thoughts, so I rather just embrace it and it resonates within me, even can feel it’s vibration in my body and I dance, mostly monotonic movements, but always changing something, while I am IN this body until I AM this body so to speak.
Also I had to learn how to breath effectively, so then I can continue with the fast, intensive movements while not getting exhausted, I mean for lots of movements one must breathe more. With the tiredness, drugs can also help as they apparently give a lot of energy, which sometimes can feel like I could shovel away a mountain and even wanting to move, to do something, because so vibrant, raw and direct this energetic state can be, so then dancing, if I can enjoy the music, others, myself seems like a naturally good choice.

In the beginning I felt like I have to build up my dancing, many times I did not enjoy it for a long time, until something just changed within me, so it was like ‘warming up’, like a diesel engine, but the more I danced, the quicker this warm up was, and now – even as I am completely sober, I can directly go in and immediately dance like I just stopped hours of dancing a minute ago, which is also not something ‘conscious’, but feels like my body directly can do it, but only when I am present in and as the body – but this realization had to wait for some more years…

So I’ve spent a lot of time perfecting my method of trance, where I was able to find this quietness, peace, with substance or without, and there were a lot of variables what had to be right in order to be able to ‘induce’ this state of trance. In a way I was slave of many circumstances, because I was really particular about these details to be perfect in order to really let go of myself and find this state and experience, what I called as ‘self-healing and regenerating’, because in that state I was able to stop thinking and be the moving body without anything else, but in that moment live the words dancing.

It’s funny if I put it like that, I could write into my CV, that ‘trance dance’ – 10 years experience – which skill is really specific, so I can go to trance party and enjoy myself – well, it’s not just that, meanwhile I was learning how to do that, I had to let go many things, but within my core of my being I kept running in circles.

That’s why I was kind of dependent on psychedelic substances, because in a way I ‘knew’ what I do, how I do it, but I always defined that I needed the energy accumulation, intensifying, because I believed that in order to change, re-align myself, I need energy, which was really big self-delusion.

I do not talk about physical energy, like from food to be digested and support the body, but mind-energy, which is rarely the topic of humans, yet it’s completely ruling human’s consciousness and therefore their reality.

The energetic mind is what I talk about and it’s ‘thermodynamics’, ‘physics’ and ‘chemistry’, which is pretty much irrelevant to physical reality to a certain degree, because in a way it’s all just made up, yet we stick to these so seriously that we can’t stop defining ourselves through these patterns, experiences, reactions.

So I was also juggling with these energies while ‘working’ with dancing. For me many times it was not about ‘party’ and ‘having fun’, but to continue studying my mind and body relationship without knowing what I do, but rather I was like the ‘modern human science’ – I was twisting with the inputs/outputs and tried to observe what changed, in a way from an ‘external’, ‘separated’ point of view.

Because I did not really know. I did not understand why I react the way I do to certain events, people, but wanted to know. I mixed all these up with eastern spirituality, buddhism, who stated that they study where the thoughts come from and where they are going, and that always fascinated me, so I completely felt adequate myself to directly ‘hit that nerve’ and as I really put up everything of me to that card of actually really-really wanting to find out the answers for these questions, I had no much doubt, which was also a dual blade, because in a way kept me going without stopping, but also many times I did not stop for a moment to consider what is here, what I do and to be able to apply practical common sense.

Many times these substances are like a big push – and if I do not align with self-honesty, but rather I have the inception of any slightest self-delusion, belief or judgement, then these also can ‘help’ ‘growing on’ those too, meaning within a big figuring out moment one can conclude something awfully off, yet everything would seem like it’s the way. THE way, meanwhile it just seemed like that, so the tendency to cross-reference is less likely. Not impossible, but what I mean is that one can’t and should not trust oneself completely without question. In the beginning, certainly not, because a ‘supervision’, ‘external self-support’ from the ‘right’ person can never hurt, but it’s also that one must find people with integrity, stability, consistency understanding and experience as well when choosing support. That I found with the guys and gals around, which for I am eternally grateful, equally so to myself as well, because it is self who must make the steps and actually walk the change from consciousness systems to substantiate living awareness.

Also, because mostly everywhere these substances are illegal, people can have worry, sneaking around and secrecy, so that is also an obstacle one has to overcome, because law enforcement can punish, sometimes even retaliate as it’s possession and consuming is equals as serious criminal activity, which is kind of ridiculous in a way, but currently it is like that.

If I could not find ‘better method’ than psychedelic drugs, probably I would still take them, but I can state it more clearly: if I would not practically come to the actual realization that I am directly fully here, and I could not ask questions to myself about myself, my limitations, conflicts, delusions and then being able to answer to myself, then probably I still would rely to external ‘bridge’ supports, with what I would still try to ‘mine out’ some more from my consciousness, mind, body through these elevated experiences.

The fact and the actual proof, that I can live without conflict and the confidence, direction and actual, practical application to deal with shit while being sober, always here is priceless and there is no further experience I would need to go after, there is no other specific mind-state I would need or want to induce, because I rather be the solution myself directly without any drug. For me it was too much compromise, the dependency, the polarity of getting high and then back, the constant dealing with the arising need, getting it, taking it, going through the experience and then it wears off – it’s just not worth it anymore, because I am comfortable and able to be intimate with myself directly without anything and if seeing self-dishonesty or self-limitation, I can apply the desteni tools, which I’d rather refer as ‘my way of living’ as self-forgiveness, self-correction, self-commitment by investigating the words and my relationship, definitions of them within me and giving new opportunity for myself literally by decomposing the patterns what constitutes who I accepted and allowed myself to be within fear and doubt.

In a way, each human is in the trance of fear constantly and my way was to try an other trance from which I can break through that trance, what somewhat worked sometimes, but in overall I had to realize that I do not need to break through, I rather have to stop participate within what I always did since childhood, which is the mind, the thinking, comparison, judgement, backchat, emotional waves and take the direction of be responsible for everything I actually am here constantly.

Maybe a person, who reads this and sometimes takes psychedelics can feel or define that they are confident about that for them these substances still are of assistance, and probably not that much as they define it, but everyone’s process is different, but one thing is certain: we certainly never know our utmost potentials until we ensure that did everything of our power to expand through our limitations, what are certainly not are in and as the physical, because the real limitation is in the mind consciousness of the human, therefore I suggest to all to investigate, understand the thought-processes and the emotional reactions, because these are really limited ways of the human existence in comparison to be whole, unified and quiet within while still live, express and share self-movement without any fear or separation.

As you can clearly see, for me dancing was really linked with substances for long time, but since some years not anymore and my personal experience, conclusion and realization was that I was able to expand and grow, transcend and live much more directly and with more stable awareness without the psychedelics. I know, it’s a bold statement, and many came to me with that ‘you could not be who you are today without those, so how you could deny them’ – well, I do not deny, I simply state what I see, realize and understand and that entails to clearly share: sober, stable self with empty head is more capable of walking through the systems of internal and external matrices, what limit us and determine us, therefore, who really wants to ‘work’ with transcendence, I’d suggest to let go the phase of drugs and start the real job of knowing, understanding and decomposing the patterns what constitute oneself which are self-dishonest and not aligned with what could be the utmost potential and also the best for all.

If anything of reaction, denial, thought-emotion would arise to this suggestion: realize, it’s the mind, yet it is you, so start embracing and accepting the fact that it always has been the decision maker and can not be trusted, especially about how and when to alter your mind states without really understanding how the human mind and body relationship really works.

At first life can seem a bit slower and less colorful, certainly lower intensity, but then recognize the simplicity and infinity within one breath, and in the next one, and then the next one – and to realize that this consistency within breathing presence has to accumulate in order to break through the mind’s prison, which is our manifested consequence of self-acceptance of identification with energy, dependency into relationships through thoughts, feelings, emotions and then the recognition comes that real self here does not need (mind)energy, intensity or waving mind states to experience what is really real here, but the opposite – the less I participate within these patterns, the more I am stable, consistent, direct, present here.

And then I gift myself with the realization that all those intense, more fast, ‘highway’, ‘hyperspace’ experiences were just in my mind, which seem cool, groovy and stimulating, but they are dwarfed in comparison to real physical substance level of awareness here, I again quote Bernard Poolman here: it’s like when an ant inspecting a Lamborgini – it seems out of world, but in terms of the context of the whole existence, the Lamborgini is completely irrelevant, your experience is irrelevant(video in the link).

That’s why it’s common sense to ask and answer to myself: what are thoughts, where they do come from, why they come, what is the source behind them and my relationship to my memories and how I am being dishonest and doubtful while participating within them – and one can realize that all those cravings for intensity, experiences and highs are summoned, because one is not intimate with and as self here to directly see, directly move, directly change and directly live.

Therefore it’s suggested to word to yourself what you see the drug gives and then ask yourself, how and why you separated yourself from accessing yourself directly in terms of these aspects, what you just worded here?

Or if you can’t stop taking it, then during it’s apparent ‘support’ – realize that during it’s effect and experience – you are still walking in the mind, regardless of how deep, resonant it’s experience – which is okay for a moment, but when you keep returning to this specific ‘method’ and ‘level’ – you might also can realize that somewhere you ‘stuck’ and time looping, because can’t realize, let go or practically apply what you already should.

See, the mind consciousness system is kind of infinite, you could endlessly explore it’s dimensions, but the call of self-honesty is to recognize that it’s always the same, meanwhile we have a life, a system already in and as the physical here, what is the bottleneck, therefore it can’t be disregarded for too long, but rather also to embrace and take responsibility for: even the abuse, the horror of humanity’s cannibalistic self- and life-abuse. Because once one starts to really walk through the systems of one’s mind can clearly see, that one’s limitation is only equals with the extent of one’s responsibility, therefore to really transcend self-limitation and the ego of the mind means to take responsibility for all what is here as self as all as equal as one. So take that into the equation of your moments, as it can balance out the energetic experiences to recognize the possible points of addiction and fear to assist and support self to let go the past.

Also if there is no polarity of ‘on drug‘ and ‘off drug‘ – one less problem, because I can start to work with the energetic experiences what with I disregard the physical presence and I can answer why and then with real understanding I can see the pattern before participating and then I can prevent myself leaving presence into thought-tubes, emotion-waves and that is really cool, because I can change myself more directly, which is really handy in terms of walking through self-limitations. Limitations, what maybe were the starting point of taking drugs, which is self-empowerment, resulting with accumulation of self-trust, confidence and practical knowledge of self, not just a bunch of semi-wise mumbo-jumbo, but about what I am and why I am who I am and then I can measure specifically: is it really the best or I can change, and if I can, I should and then I change. And from a point internal and external self is also equal – therefore as I change myself, I already change the world!

So this writing starts to grow to many directions, not just dance, parties, my story, but also substances, the mind, the energy, so I stop it for now and will continue writing soon.

Don’t believe anything what I wrote here, test it for yourself for real, but to transcend and expand, practical common sense is what we require, not substances!

I’ve recorded also 30 minutes of talking about this topic, but I was not fully satisfied with it, so soon will re-record myself, well, this writing was also a preparation for it so to speak, so until that, enjoy breath!