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I rarely talk about my past when I used to experiment with psychedelic drugs. It’s so beyond me, yet in a way always part of me now.
There are various subcultures, musical scenes, literature, art and community, which I am still in touch with, because regardless I do not do the mind-blowing, there is value, potential and enjoyment within these connection points with others and myself.
It’s such a taboo topic to talk about, yet there are things to understand there, especially for those who still indulge in such activities.
Not many come forward to share their experiences, because of the witch-hunt of ‘drugs’ by most of the governments, so it really does not easy to find authentic sources of information regarding to actual self-support.
I do not really fear being judged because I did it for a while; I am certain that do not need those anymore.
Let’s focus to one particular point today, just to not blow this writing away.
Dancing. But if I speak about that, have to make a detour about drugs too as for me, one followed the another for a while.
Recently I went again to a trance party. Not to my type of trance party actually, but does not really matter. Even though the whole process I walk here with self-investigation and self-honesty, one would think that to define ‘my type’ might be limiting. And indeed it might be, but still, I can have my own personal taste and individual expression.
So, I love to dance, to move for hours with music, with others, to be dance itself! Quite an experience which definitely can be relatable to sex.
Self-expression and exploration, enjoyment and expansion. Substantiation and presence.
See – one can re-define words and to live according to that definition. So it makes sense to define with words what do not limit us.
Dancing was not always about presence and clarity, direction and self-honesty for me, but I have decided to re-align to this.
When I visited parties the first time it was more about to overwhelm and blow my mind with substances and to attain certain levels and experiences within consciousness. In a way, I am quite lucky as those experiences were literally extraordinary and have showed me that opening one tiny door can change the whole world, thus in this sense it was great.
On the other hand, I was so reckless, reactive, gullible and suspectible to experiences that the whole intensity hypersonic mind-blowing trip-ride got me by the balls so to speak.
Regardless of that my main goal was always about self-liberation and further understanding, I often sacrificed my time on the altar of pure hedonism and even within that sometimes I was able to substantiate some insights, but the fact is – although I’ve tried to raze and explode, incinerate and disintegrate my mind system as felt like it was always in the way of true exploration and liberation, I have been always setup to fail with this borderline self-destructive passion.
I really believed that by brute force I can break through all of my limitations, which I believed were mental mostly, but at times I really scratched my physical limitations with the overwhelming mind-frequency intensification, and although it felt extremely stimulating, sometimes I literally felt like touching insanity and physical death level.
One might find this ‘hobbi’ to be quite extremist and somewhat pathological, but noone can argue with the fact that in this world people are indoctrinated, controlled, freightened and quite deeply brainwashed to the tiny confines of a commonly accepted norm, which is obviously not the best for all participants here.
Billions live in extreme poverty, not being able to afford sufficient food, shelter, education and healthcare. One only can find their own existence extremely limited and imprisoned, when tries to break through the norms and limitations society binds us all into a state where war and abuse, rape and murder is justifiable.
When one tries to stand up and really wanting to make a difference, even just within themselves or just wanting to become a more effective and healthy person, can face the situation that there is something inherently wrong with our mind, behavior and thought-patterns. This indeed requires courage to admit but absolutely worth it.
That was me in a nutshell and I really got fed up with my own bullshit and for a while limitations and truly believed that the drugs will help me to liberate myself.
What I did not take into consideration was that regardless of how much I used brute force to break down my mind system, which often felt liberating, when the intensity and sort of purification energy of the drug started to fade, I always went back to the same old patterns, behaviors, reactions and justifications.
Literally regardless of all the mighty experiences I had about consciousness, white light, patterns, symbols and onneness with the whole existence in and out – they were merely glimpses of a state of being I never really understood. And of course, my own mind was always happy to throw in some grandiose hallucination to please and entertain me without admitting that this is just a play of my own imagination, I am still in my mind, just it’s melted a bit and looks/feels cool.
So what I had to realize was that no matter what I do, the mind remains mind and there is a physical limit I can’t go beyond because I kill the body. Thought this as identifying myself as a mind consciousness system. The body always felt weak, ugly, confining, miserable and limiting, so I was one of those who defined the body to be inferior to the mind and consciousness. Yet after a long while, I had to try to explore other ways to expand.
I was regularly visiting these goa trance parties in these states and it was fascinating, the loud and dominant somewhat melodic yet pleasingly stimulating vibes helped to fall into a sort of trance state wherein the thoughts were sort of suppressed and I was able to just BE sometimes.
What I always found strange that all these people dance all night, and I defined their movements to be unnecessary, in a way sort of inferior, as had the thought: why bother moving the body, to be one body, when you can expand yourself to be the whole party, or existence itself?
But something was calling with those dances, beyond the fact that all the cute ladies were dancing in the front with such a passion, meanwhile I acted like a plant somewhere in the background, just standing, looking, listening. Might even felt like an empty shell, a hollow vessel.
I was obsessed with emptiness, all I cared about to empty my mind, to be quiet, to shut it up and down, to finally experience peace.
There was so much I did not understand back then. Years passed while had to give into the realization that it’s not enough to quiet the mind, I have to move myself as well, otherwise all means nothing, just sitting my life away literally. As the playground for my explorations was the crowded loud party scene, dancing came up.
So I was convinced that with some little chemical help, I could transition into dancing more easily.
That was what I used with a decision that no matter what, this time I will dance.
It was quite a blast! I was still a mind, meaning having mind consciousness starting point, but used the body as a reference point to stabilize my beingness within, so I could ‘fly’ and basically daydream more. Often reached the limit of thirst and tiredness, but with stuff, one can reach a little bit beyond.
There were friends of mine, extraordinary dancers whom with we became one through hours of dancing and I always had the feel of an essence, a symbol to crystalize within my experiences what I believed to be helping me and I started to focus on not only the experience of but the techniques and physical details of my dancing.
I did dance with psychedelics for years and after a while I’ve noticed that I’ve became quite natural and experienced with the whole ‘dance floor, movement, behavior expression and interaction’ but in a very specific way only. I felt like machete-d myself a nice circular path in the jungle, and on that path I was enjoying myself to dance around and keep using the machete to cut down any growing plants, branches, so it remained clean and easily walkable.
But as soon as I stepped over the pre-cleaned path, it became stumbling and awkward, resisted and uncomfortable.
Example: I was approached by a lady to just socialize, and on acid, I was not the most talkative person, and all of a sudden, I was judging myself as seeing how I behave and I reacted to it – defined myself to be like an insect, very anti-typical not-human-like and I felt that although I am now able to have fun and find this empty mind clarity – it’s still quite limited. It was like a snap to realize, I can slow down and sort of freeze the mind, but with just one stumble and I am whoooosh, down on the pipe already into the good old self-limiting reactive, judgmental thinking, separated and limiting mind again. Soooo frustrating was to experience the ‘fall of man’ – I tried to define these processes, read all the literature, studies, old and new books, but rarely found genuine descriptions of what I went through. And even when I did find, I just got distracted for a while to follow up and eventually realize the flaw within those distraction paths, such as spirituality, buddhism, etc. Separation, polarity, dishonesty.
The problem was not with the stuff, neither with the dance or the path I walked, but my ‘original’ points, which I believed that I was transcending during these quite hectic years.
I ended up with the same realization as I had years before with the spiritual meditation – when I was sitting, looking at the candle, for many-many hours, relentlessly, as the meditation textbook suggesting: ‘looking at the surface of the lake, smoothing it to become still and mirror’ – or when you roll upwards a huge rock upon the mountain with the disciplined meditation, and you keep falling back but once you will be able to reach the top with the rock and you find peace and clarity’. But once I stopped these techniques, I was at the same point, it was no true, measurable, mathematically accumulative progress, maximum self-conviction.
I was giving my life into those ways, I definitely know what I am talking about when saying, I’ve been there, reached states with sober mind and experienced things ‘beyond’ – but in their nature, they were not different from drug experiences. All what extra they gave beyond the drugs was that I developed an unnatural amount of stubbornness and self-will to keep myself sitting and do nothing but quieting my mind. But even that was quite conditional and thus not truly self-realized.
But the thing is – my mind was always be so loud for a reason! Not because it’s nasty in it’s nature, but it was always telling me who I accept myself to be!
So instead of investigating those thoughts, emotions, I kept pushing them away, down, suppressing and denying to the mastery of self-deception when I was able to ‘whooosh’ shut it up – but required my full attention with all my discipline. Which was sometimes available, sometimes not. And when I was not in this discipline mode, the mind roamed free – had to – as needed to balance it out from all this extreme suppression with what I tried to change it.
All in short – no matter how much one works on changing one’s mind – it’s impossible – because it’s just a systematic reflection of my beingness.
Instead of focusing to my being, who I am, accepting and allowing myself to be – I was raging a war against my mind – – the devil, the boogeyman, the white rabbit, which was actually myself. So I was always fighting myself, often went nuclear to decimate and mutilate my mind, ending up abusing myself on mental, emotional and physical level.
The dance was a beautiful holiday from these inner wars, because the mind was quiet, I was sort of satisfied, so as one song lyrics says ‘you take a vacation from
I kept exploring the various movements and physical expressions and even when I had the starting point as the mind – there was some enjoyment and emerging genuine physical awareness moments in those movements already.
Often at these tranceparties, me and my frends stayed until the last moment, when next day or at the end of the festival week, organizers turned off the sound system – because it had such a home experience, wherein everything is contained with the music, there is always a next beat, a melody, a synth pad flowing and waving, blooming and playing.
But the vacation was always over, and I returned home to my sober self and it felt miserable and I had to go to work, had to be with my arguing girlfriend and I just did not see actual change in my life.
It was a nice escapism era of my life although I always turned into an unstoppable flow of starting as a mild annoyance through bitter frustration into a full blown internal rage to try to break out from this mellow nightmare I existed as behind the smiling curtains…
Lol, such a dramatic wording, but this is brutal and absolute self-honesty, so no sugarcoating here.
When I had some near-death experiences, quite several ones actually, I had to stop and reconsider, as one thing I was absolutely certain with – it’s not yet time to die as I am still not free and thus my life is about to reach freedom. See – even the most innocent starting point can become subject and excuse to a total delusional mind-possession. Freedom is overrated. The only true freedom is living within absolute self-honesty. But in that time this was just not yet to be understood. So many years, unnecessarily. That’s why I compose this here, so others might do it more smarter.
I really tried to compress the amount of writing but this just came through. Dancing. Back to it.
I stopped taking psychedelics even before finding desteni self-supporting process, community and tools; as the last ones really just showed it’s acid-like characteristics to my mind, melting stuff down and remaining with nothing.
So I started to investigate a hundred other ways, methods, practices, history, cultures, books and I kept searching and looking.
One day, when I broke my leg, so could not walk, had no money, had nothing much, found Desteni Portal video, a being coming through(Jim Morrison) and he was talking about Oneness and Equality and to forgive myself. That hit really directly, immediately had the realization that this is it, it’s THE opportunity I have to grab with all of me entirely. I did not really care if this was truly ‘portalling’ JM from the ‘other side’, because I was mindblown by the words, the MESSAGE.
Noone ever talked of such words in this world, I am certain. No scriptures or allegedly holy books, teachings or schools ever mentioned the simple principle and practical common sense this message means, and still, it is one true authentic source of liveable self-honesty with the most direct approach. This I can stand with in front of the whole existence and will keep walking until it’s necessary or finding even more practical common sense.
So. I read all the available material back there about desteni, the message and the awareness tool self-forgiveness and started to write, apply this self-forgiveness as I really needed to(everyone). So many things I could not forgive myself from my past, many I did not even know about, that’s why the writing was necessary. And take responsibility for. Directly.
Throughout the last decade, I am still walking this process, this blog is one aspect of it, the courses I walk, and more relevantly, my life is what I embrace and share, committed to walk with the principle of equality and oneness within self-honesty.
Here I am today, no drugs since years, no alcohol, many things changed, but the dancing remained. More rarely, must admit, but still, at least once in two months, trying to go somewhere to have some fun moves.
See, it’s not about mind, transcendence, consciousness, nothing extraordinary, but me as physical, dancing and expressing myself as life itself.
Somewhen back, I think it was about 4 or 5 years ago, when I was already not doing drugs, I smoked weed again before one of my favorite trance performers, but the experience was very disappointing, I felt like I am not my whole body anymore, but condensed into my head and lost the overall one and equal as body experience(I guess the level I am in regarding to that in comparison to be in and as the mind constantly and using the body as a biorobot).
I had to wait on the dancefloor until the effect of the drug went away to be able to re-obtain my ability to dance.
And I was a regular smoker before, but something changed, I had to realize that I only believed that this drug supports me and turned out, not really, so the self-honesty is to let it go – and I had a bit of struggle with that for a while, sure, it’s quite stimulating, things seem to slow down a bit when stopped, but once I committed myself to stop once and for all, and stand into this bodytime awareness – Life just opened up to me so much more!
All the mind looks for is speed, energy and intensity – even if it means to fall out of sync with physical reality – can be addictive, but if someone aims progress, results and expansion – has to let go the mind completely and only use it as a tool, not as a master. And that takes time and effort to change.
One little example from my recent piano lessons – I keep practising the two hands scales up and down up and down, and after several mistakes, teacher says, I gotta slow down, focus on precision, instead of speed – and I still resist it! Because how grand it feels when I can do it fast! But sometimes I make mistakes, and then I am frustrated, doing it more, more faster, and then making more mistakes! Speed and effectiveness has to be built from the foundation, first slowly, with direction and awareness. Really the same with self than with any tools or instruments. Drugs do not help with that, I know, many take drug to fight against attention deficit or tiredness, but it always will take a toll, meaning opportunity to train and progress consistently. And that consistency is key. And if the drug sabotages my consistency being present, in sync with the physical – in dancing, playing music or simply walking or breathing – then the drug is not supporting me. Common sense. So by letting go the intensity, I can gain consistency. There is a saying ‘Walk slowly, reach further’.
See, all drug user people are blown away how much they can ‘flash’ and ‘fly’ with the experience, but the thing is, the most mind-blowing thing one can do is to constantly remain sober!
Another point for me about doing drugs at a party(or anywhere, anytime) is so limited – I am limited by the type of the drug and what effect it brings – and I can’t just turn it off, it has it’s own pre-programmed ride – and I am bound to that.
Nowadays, I can have the most ecstatic trance with sober self-direction, and in the next minute I can have casual discussion with people in clarity about anything requiring any type of focus or openness. From the dancefloor, I can walk to the car, sit in and drive to the highway and travel fast responsibly and safely.
If any sort of problem, accident or danger presents itself – I am immediately able to assess reality and support with effective and practical common sense.
I do not get exhausted by the drug experience, but by time will be tired, true, and then I go home and sleep – on next day I wake up without feeling drained or exhausted.
Many would argue, because of being sober, I do not reach such peaks and heights, intensity as they do with the drugs.
Here is the thing – I do not have to – I can be just fine without leaving my body and presence, responsibility and self-direction. Many thinks it is limitation, for me it is the liberation.
And if I feel limited about something, when finding myself on a new path – feeling awkward – which still can happen for sure – I am able to be present and see in real time, what’s the issue here, and how can I support myself to overcome this self-limitation or self-dishonesty.
I am often approached at parties when people see me dancing that they ask me if I can give them drugs, because they believe I am on something and they also want that. And I say, water – coffee, tea – and its quite a fun.
One should not need to take any drugs to have extreme amount of fun and insights, relaxation, entertainment and release – because then what happens is that I am not moving, directing, DOING those things directly, but I am using a bridge to help me to do it, and next time it will be a bit more difficult to do it by myself. So, especially with people who have tendency to have addiction, can really pick up the habit of taking drugs and that’s why it’s called “re-creational drug use”.
They keep trying to re-create the same experiences, what they defined as cool.
Over and over and over again. I did not like that, I was born to consistently expand, grow and learn, understand and explore a bit more every day.
So, dancing is part of me now, and still there is so much to learn, explore and enjoy, but it’s not needed for me to be here, to enjoy myself and be clear within myself. Just as I mentioned before, same as sex – should be an equal aspect of our lives without the mind dominating it.
And alcohol and drugs are the best food for the mind, it really grows and inflates, feeds those. That’s why it’s not really suggested to use them for those who really and truly, honestly and absolutely want to transcend their own mind-limitations. Period. There is no place for excuse or justification beyond this. Who still tries to validate a semi- or full regular drug or alcohol use yet still claiming to walk the self-liberation – it is pure self-delusion. Not me to judge at all, not everyone ‘needs’ to transcend, only who decides to and I am here to reflect in that regard.
Because once one lets go the mind – alcohol or drug has no effect whatsoever. And even that can screw with the mind by people ‘wanting just to test if they still being owned by the mind’ – it’s really slippery and one can really sink one slip at a time by defining it still being cool to end up in ten years still getting drunk and sometimes not understanding why so bitter.
Words are the keys, to decompose, re-define and live them according to no polarity of the mind, no energy, and that is a key to progress.
That is why I find this little story strong, because it’s from the point of one word – dancing – and how it started, what I defined it, how it did not support me in the longer term, thus needed to let go, re-define and nowadays, if I live the word dancing – it is not limiting, but part of my self-expression.
About drugs – I do not say you should not do it, but on the longer run, beyond trying once or twice, it is really not giving that much as walking life soberly can give. And I have many friends who still ‘push’ and ‘blow’ their mind with alcohol and drugs – it’s their decision, I do not judge, but certainly showing an example of how to live and expand without those, and if asked, I am sharing what and how I realized to be who I am today.
In this regard I find confidence and calmness within, respect and trust towards myself.
This is my process in relation to dancing and drugs, self-honesty and re-definition in a nutshell.
So that’s it for now, consider writing, every day, stabilize yourself, get back to the physical and let go the convictions and delusions one breath at a time.
Thanks, enjoy, dance and breathe as there is no next moment, fully self-honest and present as you can!
Some opening up self-forgiveness statements, if one is on similar path but would like to understand more about what’s behind the conscious mind…
Just to see – how one can utilize this kind of approach to discover what I have accepted, by looking inwards, to follow the rabbit, writing down and seeing the patterns of matrix, which is everywhere, because it’s my consciousness and as I defined as who I am, do not not even consider the need or practicality of deconstructing and releasing it word by word.
Thanks again, enjoy and bye
Let’s see a point of disruption within consistency
I notice a self-dishonesty ‘going down‘ – which means I am doing something which of am realizing that it’s not supporting, based on self-interest or delusion, yet I am not stopping, forgiving, re-aligning and changing that.
That disrupts the built up consistency and self-trust. In a way it even contains shame and regret. But it’s all self-manipulation, because I see the choices, I make one based on understanding the consequence, which I will judge myself about.
Within that experience, a resistance to movement will manifest. A sort of doubt, a petrification.
In a way it is a bubble of excuse to keep walking and moving and I know it will dissipate, but in a way I count on it and while this bad phases out, I do not move, push, expand and stand up but to distract, entertain and suppress myself.
This is a tough point, because relates to several self-dishonesty points I return to participate within from time to time and I do not really like that.
Various strategies I can apply towards this, the most recent is to not look back, don’t try to analize, deduct or decompose, just keep looking forward, not judge myself, but keep moving, trusting myself that eventually I will get through and over this.
In a way it’s alright, but at the same time it’s kind of a bullshit, because here is no balance of looking at the facts without judging and getting reactive to understand versus keep moving forward within self-trust.
So it is an unworded doubt I see. I do not word it, because then I would be ‘judging’ but it’s infiltrating me.
This relates to why I did not write yesterday. Let’s not misunderstand, it’s quite alright if I do not write for one day, when it’s a decision, clarity within self-honesty and acting that – but when it’s not decided, it’s like I am being triggered to do or not do something, that is a problem.
Not because I am a control-freak mind-power-junkie, but because I am aware of that there is doubt and behind it there was a choice wherein I deliberately chosen self-dishonesty to apply, even when I knew that I would regret it, because I do not really want that to do, but in the moment and of reactions, I fell into this energetic state.
Sigh. Let’s list up the points to see what would be practical approach
to list up these situations and draw the trigger point – automatic reaction – predictable action triangle to these points, so I can predict consequence within awareness without using the mind, thinking and thus automatically reacting. It’s like learning who I am today objectively. Almost like clinical observation – cause and effect. It’s quite a challenge, but that’s where Desteni I Process course, support and community helps immensely. The tools and lessons, principles and techniques really help me to slow down, ground myself and re-align.
Recently I started to apply breathing a bit more actively than before – it’s still not a natural skill, sometimes doing, sometimes forgetting – but getting to the ability to push myself into breathing and presence – out from the mind. Even if it means as a bit more heavier, intense breathing. Not quite, but at the moment explaining with – clearing my head with pushing in oxygen. Of course, not to hyper-ventillate(breath very intensely and quickly for a while), because that would probably get me psychedelic experiences, but to simply bring myself back here.
It’s something to experiment with.
I used to believe and define that I am more aware if I always breath more slowly, but the thing is – it’s really contextual.
It’s not about how I breathe, but who I am within that and am I present or lost in the mind thought-emotion-reaction maze for seconds, minutes…
Presence and self-trust, self-honesty and consistency is really something what can be broken and diminished with losing presence by falling into the mind-maze, even for a second. Accumulation of that substantiation should not be underestimated, just as the lack of it too.
Back to the first topic – it’s almost like manipulating myself to justify stop moving and trying to ‘create time’ for the positive experience I create by defining moving and expanding as difficult, thus somewhat negative.
in fact, when walking through the bullshit of my self-creation, it might seem as negative, but it’s just what is here and how I defined it, and it might as well be that it’s indeed that crap, who I accepted myself to exist as, and now just starting to face and it’s tough. That’s why I avoided to face and transcend myself in the first place.
So that’s a relevant point in process to prepare – my own bullshit will be stinky and should never be any excuse not to keep walking through it.
Many people stop walking their process of self-realization by defining it to be too hard, intense, difficult or even impossible, start justifying by injecting blame, projection or any other mind-component, and it’s obviously self-dishonest.
So walking self-forgiveness on these two relevant points now.
In regarding to this, the second point about breathing is to create and live in order to support slowing down within when the positive-negative mind-polarities would overwhelm with energetic experiences to the point of automatic actions.
There is this saying that Death is the true equalizer of war, meaning no matter if you are poor or rich, dumb or smart, young or old – you can die in any given moment without any deus ex machina and that is especially true on the battlefield, where people’s profession, hobby and obsession is to kill each other.
It is true, regardless of wars actually – everyone will end up being in a grave(or being cremated), no matter what, so in a way – it does not really mean anything who we are, death will equalize all differences and inequalities.
What the real question here is why we even bother being obsessed to only focus on our inequalities to separate and abuse each other with, when at the end we all hit the dirt the same way anyway. Does not really make sense.
All the experiences of fancy shoes, nice cars, attractive bodies – they mean nothing on the longer term, in the bigger picture, so why everyone is in this mind-frenzy without questioning the meaning of the human condition?
What remains though is the physical consequences of our actions, that is also a true equalizer as well, let’s refer to it as equalizer of life, as it is what it is: everyone equal from the perspective of being here, more or less leaving a footprint to the future before turning into wormfood or grey ash.
I find this as the most important aspect of my life, as I often see it, the ‘human condition’ – as we are gifted with the ability to grasp cause and effect, action and consequence, yet no one really stops to the extent of becoming aware of what it truly means.
This is what I assist and support myself with when facing resistances, distractions, obsessions or even possessions in my own mind-realm, because although all my very personal experiences seem to be so overwhelming and convincing to present themselves as absolute revelation to follow as the law of my beingness in the form of thoughts, feelings and emotions – they are irrelevant to the extent of what is real, priority and true value for all life on earth.
Why? Because It does not matter what I think, what really counts is what I do. And if I keep thinking that my choice is justified to keep entertaining and distracting myself away from all the wrongdoings happening by humanity in this world, I might feel pumped enough to believe that I literally have right to choose not to do anything about all the abuse and exploitation, extermination and enslavement happening every day in the name of free choice, liberty as self-interest.
How easy is to justify that an ordinary human’s life and their every day actions are insignificant and powerless in comparison to the big systems dominating the course and fate of humanity, such as money system, military industrial complex and brainwashing education and media conglomerate being run by sociopaths, automatized by family-providing army of such ordinary people scared of losing monthly salary every day justified by their so called love for their offspring, no matter the consequences.
Each sub-system of earth’s evil conglomerate’s has it’s own role to this and everyone is equally participating, thus being responsible.
Death is indeed an equalizer here, a liberator and revealer to what really matters here, which is the physical, no mind-games or experiences can transcend facts.
The only way to stand up to this consistently fate-sealing, all-annexing inevitable death is simply to realize the even more equalizer truth, the quality what we all bear, carry and represent already, always and unconditionally – that we are life, no matter what.
Death cannot exist without life – what we all need to do is to realize the actually relevant and real aspects of our – in a way, as our current form represents and manifests it: indeed truly miserable and irrelevant existence.
investigate, investigate, investigate
each of us has this mind what play god in our head while the true god is this physical existence, true ruler of life and death, so until we listen to and being mesmerized by our mind, we literally follow a false god, because it’s not real, not here and not even remains after death.
No matter what god anyone thinks of or prays to, all are a facade, a true consequence of our misplaced trust and belief to something completely delusional and selfish.
Let’s look at the sun. Yes, The Sun. It shines, shares, glows, no condition, without it – even if it would stop doing so just for a minute, probably all life here would disrupt and utterly die, no matter what. That can be as a reference for unconditional love, it does not care, radiates everyone.
Let me quote a rainbow hippie song here, just because it’s cute.
Deep inside my heart I’ve got this –
It’s shining –
like the sun
It radiates on everyone
And the more that I give
The more I’ve got to give
It’s the way that I live
It’s what I’m living for
So. I am deliberately wandering away from my usual points just to make the point that when we at desteni say equality – it does not mean we all have to be the same and everyone got equal opportunities, qualities, should get the same salary and stuff. No. What equality means is that everyone equally is an individual and unique expression of life, and although there are many things what we have been manifested as different, there are more major or let’s say true aspects of ourselves what makes us quite as equals. So instead of focusing to our differences, why not to focus to our similarities.
Because if we would do that, then we would all not just realize but truly feel that there are many who do not have a chance on earth to live a life what we would like for ourselves.
And deliberately most of us do not wish that worse life to others, we still are comfortable to accept them to exist in that way.
Poverty, famine, enslavement, abuse, war, rape and murder, extinction and annihilation is the name of humanity currently. Why? Just as with the positive thinking, – what many believe it’s some sort of magic, which is not, but merely a belief system – among all the positivism and super duper thoughts and feelings, emotions – there is enough only one negative to ruin all those positive experiences.
That’s why, it’s fabulous that we have art, beauty and glamour, love and creativity, science and all sorts of achievements, but what can ruin it all is how we treat our true nature, environment, each other and the future. Future as accumulating consequences by our actions every day, hour and minute.
This is what with I encourage myself to step out from entertainment for instance – that it’s just an experience and I start questioning why I would be so distracted or obsessed with feeling good all the time, it just might not to be the case that my original state is some sort of negative?
Anybody and everybody, who needs positive actually has negative already, otherwise would not bother.
So the self-realization means to investigate our condition in the mind consciousness, which is essentially a system, and to dare to reveal, discover the source and origin of these positive and negative judgments, experiences and preferences. Debunking them becomes easy, as a skill as one walks the process of self-forgiveness, to give for myself the chance to recognize what I might be doing by mistake, fear or misunderstanding.
Death is fine by me, but if there is opportunity, I chose to greet it with an impeccable respect to life, all life, because that is how I honor death, by honoring life, which means to not accept anything less than who I really am, my potentials are. And that means work, every day, to find my limits and expand them, because what I believe as a limit, by choice or by consequence, might be self-limitation, self-imagined, thus physically manifested. And that consequence created is being shared with all.
We might experience life through our own separate mind, but in fact on physical we all share the same, that is where we are literally one and equal, so to wander our awareness and discipline, focus and responsibility away from it seems merely ignorant, deluded and completely unfair to be honest.
That’s why I recommend to walk this process, start a blog, if you fear of being judged, start an anonymous one, who cares, just walk the damn process, otherwise you might end up being the same way limited as you were last year, ten years ago, and that’s quite a shame when we age and die without truly living.
I know, depression, burnout and hopelessness, giving up and feeling unfair seems pretty convincing, but until death, there is always way to find your own individual process and standing up. And for that to ask for assistance is encouraged. One humble and curious person will always get all the support of desteni community.
When I was kind of lost and desperate, confused between all the possibilities, convictions and conspiracies of what is really going on here, on earth, I got unconditional support from desteni and with that I am standing up to and as life, and everyone can walk this if they dare to be honest with themselves.
It’s scary because the consequences what have been already manifested are massive, yet what is to realize that life always finds a way, just look at simple seeds and plants – they can grow out from impossible conditions without a doubt.
And when we suggest things such as equal money, it’s not about giving free, supporting the lazy, the abusive or going insane – it’s about being able to give what we would like to receive. There are examples here and there for glimpses of what society could give us, free health care, housing, education and support as birth right. Anyone opposing these only mean that they already got more than most of the others yet they do not wish that for them as well. Sounds strange and the reason for that can be found in their mind, convictions, personality and thoughts, feelings and emotions. That’s why the investigation is suggested.
I can’t investigate your thoughts, my neighbor’s thoughts and realize what’s self-honest, it’s your, their responsibility.
And until you, they do not do that, I am here to share the consequence of such mind what would not give as would like to receive, and that is a problem.
Yet, I can’t really judge anyone else’s process, oh hell, I should not even judge my own process, because judgement means a view of separation, polarity of the mind, thus it’s not true, not real.
I should live and show, teach and support as an example of how to stand up to self-dishonesty and how to change and align with principles of life.
Usually it is not a great thing to walk into other’s life and tell them they are full of sh*t, probably it will end up not really listening to my words, but they will listen to their own reactions and without the ability to reflect and self-investigate, I am more causing problems and distractions than providing solutions.
Yet, I can and should speak up, share and reveal, expose and explain.
There is a lot to understand about life, and death is inevitable, literally we have limited amount of days left, hours, minutes and moments left, so the common sense, the PRACTICAL common sense is to focus to manifest consequences what will leave this place a bit more better than it was when I have arrived. At least that is my calling for now.
Understanding the code of our minds, words is key, and re-definition of them can literally change the world, our own, and everone’s equally.
I am re-visiting DIP LITE online course and just translated the section about Resistance to Writing.
It is something I have faced many times and I am sure everyone do and the simplest explanation is from the LITE course itself:
“The unconscious fear of change is hidden by the subconscious thoughts and experiences which will attempt to redirect self away from investigating the mind consciousness system existent within self. As the fear is that if I look at what is really going on beneath the surface that I will essentially change.”
Anyone keeps telling reasons and justifications why they do not write, it is obvious that they are accepting the self-limitation with this unconscious fear.
Even I heard of someone that if they would start writing, they know that they would unreval things they do not want to see clearly as would cause imbalance and great tension within. Why? To realize the extent of accumulation of daily self-sabotage within our own mind.
It becomes normal quite soon and after years it is unquestioned, forgotten, only the most used justifications and self-definitions remain to excuse ourself to stand up to integrity, self-honesty and within that valuing life to it’s utmost potential.
Since almost a decade I am writing, mostly about weekly one or two blog posts plus as walking DIP courses since some years, I had to learn to be able to deal with these unconscious resistances.
I remember, my first writings were often pages before anything substantial started to ‘come out’ – started like an usual diary-type of writing, and as I got comfortable and trusting by the practice, started to learn to aim and keep focus at self-introspection more and more.
Nowadays, when I see a point within, I sit down and write about it directly. And even after this amount of ‘practice’ – the core or source points of self-dishonesty, resistance, self-limitation or fear points are behind multiple layers what I have to walk through with disciplined writing.
Not just walking through as writing down as Self-forgiveness is unavoidable to literally taking responsibility on this walk’s course for the things I have accepted and allowed within self-dishonesty but no more and standing up to change – and within that decision, self-empowerment one can see a little bit deeper, step by step to dig out apparently forgotten memories, experiences, definitions and compromises.
I write ‘apparently’ forgotten as nothing is truly forgotten ever, just it’s also another tool of our mind to slip down from conscious to subconscios or unconscious level, wherein we are literally not aware of the points we allow determining our life, perception, experiences and decisions resulting in actions(or no-actions).
That is why everything we question about ourselves, we already have the answer but it’s within and often have to walked through the process of self-investiation and self-purification to start seeing and understanding.
So, by re-visiting this point, I have realized that although when I consciously decide to sit down and write about/through a point, I do not feel resistance anymore, or if occasionally tiredness or distractions start to pop up, I soon recognize that I am now getting to something substantial, thus it worth to continue as that’s why the resistance kicks in – I am getting real in a way, and it’s unknown what’s after this realization and unknown can be scary.
I know, as been there myself, many people are saying ‘I do not fear anything’ – for instance it would not be a problem to jump out from a plane with parachute or smuggle illegal things, drive with high speed or if ‘justified’ join into a barfight – but within those I calculate, assess and apply reality-awareness and only proceeding when resulting with the sufficient safety conditions. It’s not like that. It’s unconscious – so I am just feeling, relating to, having an energy vibe what influences, dominates my mind without realizing how and why, and whenever I look at it, there is always at least one or two sounding good justifications.
And so on… heard quite some variations…
Often people have to hit rock bottom, fall out from or lose everything to realize that they are far from their potentials.
Might be true when considering the saying from the movie Fight Club, which is a kind of possessive depiction of this point: “It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.”
Many also believe that I am just this writing type, it suits me, it is my ‘weapon of choice’ to deal with limitations and resistances – not at all!
I used to resist, justify and avoid writing in self-honesty, just like everyone else! I tried many other ways, methods, paths, methods, tools and it’s a self-honesty point to admit if there is possibly a better way to assist and support myself.
I had to check and then realize, writing and applying self-forgiveness is the best practical way to become aware of all of my creation and empower myself to change. All other attempts were about to try to get a shortcut, which eventually tolled their prices and often even meant to need to walk more(time or effort) later.
In the age of distraction, it is literally the most challenging thing to be able to give time and effort to our own self, meaning answering existential questions without any belief or hope to realize who uniquely we are in this existence and life.
Yet it is the most rewarding as well – to start walking the process of self-realization with words.
So, wrapping up reflecting back to self:
I have decided to write more than weekly one or two, yet I do not yet do such thing, and although when I look at this point, the decision is still here, however the action, the accumulative measurable result, which is my blog does not show that decision being manifested.
Therefore the question I answer is how I justify not doing what I decided to do, especially when also being aware of that it is not about not having enough time or opportunity.
See, self-forgiveness is not something like an all-purpose liberation or revelation what can be done in a single moment.
I have to reveal the whole causality in my mind, how it’s conditioned to internal and external experiences and where I am word-programming myself to contradict myself in relation to wanting to write more yet not doing it.
And of course, one can approach such point in a ‘disciplined’ or ‘military’ – mind, just like ‘JUST DO IT’ – and then no matter what, I am doing it!
It’s also another point to realize how the mind consciousness works, what is the fuel behind certain decisions and promises to keep, and what is the condition of such actions to keep doing. And if there is a not yet understood dimension within the context, one might gets distracted, compromised or justified of why not doing it as would like to.
In my case, the bare minimum is 4 posts per month, thus the strongest excuse to fall back to is that ‘at least 4 per month, it’s mid-month, so still have time’ – or ‘there is still 5 more days until the end of the month.
And as became a habit to distract myself from the discipline and decision I’ve made on a daily basis, it also can happen on those ‘last remaining days of the month’ and thus ending up literally only doing the minimum I’ve committed to.
An option: commit myself to do more – let’s say aim at monthly eight. That is still only two per week, one per 3-4 days.
Why to share more is also relevant: In fact I have so much to share, literally dozens of points I could share about every day and makes sense as well – substantiate my own process and also assist others as well.
So, let’s break it here for now and continue in the next post by walking self-forgiveness on these last points!
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Just a point about the recent Desteni North-european Meetup 2018
I met with fellow desteni group members recently. We were from multiple countries, such as Norway, Sweden, Finland, Sweden, Iceland, Denmark, and myself from Hungary. It was fascinating to observe that they kind of understand some of each other’s languages, expressions, which was pretty cool.
But the more cool point was that we all had a common vocabulary in regarding to the mind, self-honesty, self-forgiveness and practical change, because we are walking the same courses, applying the same tools since years and thus our conversations often were very specific to the mind’s perception, behavior, limitations and expressions.
Of course, we had so much fun as well, just talking about casual things, laughing at cats or playing around with musical instruments, but it was quite liberating that anyone wanted anytime to take a deep dive into a point within their life or about the world, it was such a mature, limit-bending conversation all of a sudden.
For instance, Anna did tarot card reading for me and I forgot to pick a topic before starting, so it was just ‘general pattern reading’.
Yet three minutes later we found quite matching polarities within my life which I am facing currently and have opened up points to look at in regarding to my process of self-honesty.
Self-honesty is extremely underrated and misunderstood in this world, it is the tipping point of individual and world-change.
“To be honest…” is a common expression, people add it to their sentence when they try to be frank and direct, kind of tool for persuasion, which sounds strange, but indeed we live in a society where secrecy, deception and exploitation rewards with power over our environment, including others within a hypnotic fear of not having enough, not being good enough and not being loved enough, yet honesty is definitely not equals with self-honesty.
When an oil corporation tells that they are back in deep water oil extraction due to high demand – it means that they might have total environmental catastrophy in the area after a couple of years due to oil spill and it is honest.
If I am angry and I tell someone that I am going to hit them, it is also honest. Obvious. Blunt.
If we could stop time in these situations and to look behind the curtains, we would find something in front of another curtains hiding even more things in front of another curtains.
The oil company’s decision to risk the environment is due to the extreme profit prospect, which is justified by a set of ‘responsible’ individuals making the decision. Behind that, people make assessment, wanting to trust employees when they say ‘will be no mistake or catastrophic accident’, but within themselves they know, it cannot be guaranteed, yet the amount of revenue will be justified, in the name of the corporations employees families, who all need to be provided to, etc. It’s a circle of responsibility and justification projection, it is obviously not taking all possibly involved participants in the scenario. Yet as it’s legal, there is no value on nature, it’s doable.
And it is not even only about one corporation’s leadership group – as in the system it is a competition, if they would stand up within integrity and protection for life and to say no, start researching another methods for energy source – all the other corporations would consider this as weakness and they would emerge and try to do the same. So, it is a complex system, yet not impossible to decompose and understand. All goes back to individuals personal mindset and ability to consider all factors within their own reality for what they are responsible for.
The funny thing about honesty is that if we stop wanting to look behind those curtains, at any time we can stop and just be satisfied with what we can currently see and understand. But there is often deeper constellation to the result of such creation, for instance in the angry person example: anger means there is a threat, a fear, so the individual probably assessed the situation and realized, need to destroy the threat with brute force. That’s probably quite honest.
What is that threat is the point of self-honesty though – is it about real life-danger or something what the other person triggered and thus became angry.
I remember, in my country it’s a common cursing is to say ‘you son of a whore’ – and whenever I heard this, I was automatically angry at the person as felt like I was threatened, like I am not defending my mother as she is not a sex worker(lol) – here is the self-honesty the point to realize – I was threatened by an IDEA, not actual real threat, and I was reacting in my own mind to that idea what I have defined and been triggered and I was powerless against my own mind – thus if I was being told this cursing, I just got faced with the point that I can’t stop being angry. Quite scary as I realize I am powerless against this anger, so I exert it to try to stop the trigger point, even if it means aggression and destruction.
Anger can’t be contained, must be released, thus it seems like a honest reaction to stop the APPARENT source of that threat, which was the person – so it seems logical to act out aggression towards the person – hitting their nose would stop saying bad things about my precious mom, so then I would not feel powerless against this triggering. Sounds logical, even honest, but not self-honest, as that would mean to dig deeper – why I believe in judgments, feelings in my mind being triggered automatically? How I ended up being such predictable, programmable and controllable by my own mind? What is this powerlessness? Questions, questions, questions.
Even when I write this down, sounds ridiculous, like elementary school level when someone curses at me and I become angry, yet so many so called adults are still on this level. Everyone has their own ‘weak’-point, and they are being limited by.
Self-honesty again – is to not just look at the trigger point and give into automatic reactions, but to see what’s behind it, why and how I am being triggered to do what exactly.
Eventually the person if applying, walking, writing through these patterns will see, it’s all within their own mind, thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, self-definitions, blames, projections, fears, phobias, desires, polarities of good and bad – it’s all self-interest of stop EXPERIENCING bad stuff according to our own personal dictionary and compass to our own self-defined happiness.
Which is often about avoiding conflicts, avoiding situations wherein we feel powerless towards our accepted limitations.
Self-stimulation and become addicted to the positive side of our mind literally empowers our own disempowerment towards all the still accepted negative side of our inner personal mindtown. It’s becoming a juggle, consistent friction and so easily a person is being lost within internal struggles, pointing out with blame and projection, twisted vision of reality tainted with weaknesses supplemented with perceptional strengths.
That is why it is so refreshing to spend time with persons who have dedicated their life to walk through these delusions, traps, limitations and self-dishonesty points.
I have quite some amount of friends and there are many who with I can discuss quite frankly to put: mind-fuckups and bat-shit crazy delusions and struggles, addictions, limitations and also revelations, realizations, breakthroughs, practical applications, however with the desteni group’s common vocabulary, its so much easier and obvious to talk about those points and being able to support each other quite directly.
Certainly can relate to a kind of culty-lingo from an external point of view, if someone listens to our talks, but it’s the same with any profession or specialty, from computer science to sports – the vocabulary and definition of words are what really help to live what we talk and that is real empowerment.
To understand the pitfalls and shortcomings of our own minds, such as jealousy, projection, blame, fears, phobias, obsession, possession, addiction, guilt, shame, righteousness and so on – and to be able to see the trigger points, the past memories, the whole pattern within stable presence, directive practical approach is something what really supports solution-oriented approach.
Thus it just seems so practical to learn the basic component of the mind, understand how consciousness works, what is my own personal weakness and strength in relation to what points in my life, relationships and actual purpose to live.
Getting too long, so wrapping it up just this casual story-wise that I am grateful for the Desteni community, the people I know through this group and I am proud of them, yet I commit myself to push myself further to every day walk the point of self-honesty and encourage and support others also to birth and live self-honesty.
Check out our group at social media: http://destonians.com/
Check out our group discussions: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cnxufww5Io
Check out our regular blogs where we share about what we walk through, realize and change points we see as needs to be changed within self-honesty:
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I had a dream in the morning.
This was like a campus versus farm versus castle. Relatable to Desteni farm and my university and even high school. Obviously as a place where I learn and grow.
There was dinner time and I was helping with serving. There were MANY plates to fill and I was wondering about that this eventually should be automatized as it’s very honorable thing to do but takes so much time. I became aware of that I have my high school friends around the vicinity, so I decided to visit them after finishing with serving the food.
I remember walking and hurrying for more and more plates and putting fresh and warm food onto many plates and then it just fades away. It took so long that I think I fell asleep or something like that. It was like in a movie with a fade to black scenery change.
I wake up, no one is around(looks like I am in a castle’s kitchen), there is no more food left; I am not hungry in particular, but still, the thought occurs to me by habit that could have been better if have eaten but then fully clarifying to myself, it’s completely alright.
Also just became aware of that Bernard (Mr Poolman) is in the main building. I remind myself that I have to see my friends as it’s cool opportunity that they are here, and I go to see Bernard and the others. By the others here I mean other of my friends from the Desteni group or farm.
On my way to the main place, I wonder that why some people are(were – he has passed away) so afraid from Bernard, and by looking into me I see some shit(self-dishonesty still accepted), but no resistance or worry I see about meeting him, rather a cheer up, excitement and curiosity.
I find the group near a sort of podium, looks like some time ago a statue must have been standing there, but now there are people sitting comfortably and discussing with Bernard. I see his bald head from distance and I look around to see if there is some edible dinner and no, it’s fine – and I approach them with firm steps. I find myself lucky(in the dream, in reality more like honored) to know these people.
And then I wake up.
Sort of like this was the dream. It’s clear to me what it means, supports me with, just reflecting back to the whole idea of ‘fear of Bernard’. I know some people who were so scared and overwhelmed, when they met or talked with him.
And of course, they were not really afraid of him, because he did not harm anyone, however he was able to see self-dishonesty within one and support them to realize for themselves – and for some this meant gentle, even humorous talk, such as with me, but with some he shouted and used sharp words to get through the shell of their conviction, delusion or justification. He did not really care of his image, always felt like he is on edge just the right amount to be able to make others understand what he saw.
This is certainly debatable as why to be ever harsh or blunt, loud or uncomfortable for anyone?
I remember, when once he told me in the farm’s kitchen that he wants to hear me shout, my voice to be loud and heard, as I am not expressing myself, just being the quiet nice guy all the time while having these realizations yet not acting out in relation to the world.
It is still a point to be lived and this post is dedicated to substantiate the realizations I see already and to see what is to be still to understand and prepare in support for living potentials without resistance or fear.
Let’s it to be an opener for now with a list of related points and then free form of ranting and raving(it’s a technique to serialize the mind to see it in front of me):
Based on these points I see within – they are not really present, or not always, but within brutal self-honesty I can see signs of these could appear in my mind and thus could be triggered – therefore I could be influenced by these patterns – so these can be referred as self-allowed and accepted vulnerability of self-dishonesty.
That’s actually supportive to admit, to face and prevent myself acting upon self-dishonesty within description of specificity.
I see self-dishonesty everywhere – within myself, but within others as well – for a while it was really challenging not to focus to other’s bullshit, but the fact is if I am really falling into someone’s self-dishonesty to focus into, probably there is something at my door already, what I should focus to first to deal with.
I used to be spiritual, buddhist and so lost in my deluded ass benevolent enlightenment ideas that it was tough to wake up from that, but there was no other way, I was clearly seeing that this is not living.
And once I stopped participating in spiritual agenda, thinking, feeling and patterning, I kept judging all of those still doing so, because I already saw that they are full of crap, just like I was, but I was merely just a little bit out from my shit, so I could take a breath here and there.
When I started to really work with self-forgiveness, self-commitment, self-corrective statements to stop the patterns, the more I let go those patterns, the less I was focusing to others, and the less I was focusing to others, the more I was able to stop my own self-dishonesty.
Same was with alcohol or drugs for instance. It’s so cool to not rely to those, the experiences, the rituals and justifications.
Nowadays I can go to a bar, a party, where many people are literally wasted, high or low, I do not judge them, certainly have my comprehension of what they do and what consequence they seem to create with it, but SELF FIRST is key.
I spent about a decade to mimic to put myself last, but in fact never, and once tried to do so, it was obvious that it is just nonsense. I was about to save the world, yet I could not even save myself from becoming frustrated if I went to a mall with full of people or could not keep my temper when I was annoyed by my girlfriends honesty. Yet, saving the world, lot of crap.
So. Raising my voice is not about me being right or me not being sure if I am right or not. It’s about being able to see what’s here, to be open and honest with myself to see if I am acting upon fear or emotion or I am capable of considering all participants and factors equally within principle.
Speaking facts, exposing dishonesty and abuse starts with self and it naturally flows into embracing our reality, including others as well. If there is anything, anything moves me, it’s not me, it’s a system, thus my responsibility to comprehend, decompose and stop, forgive and let go and take direction within awareness of consequence.
I see that it’s fine to go out with others and focusing on only ‘my purity’ in terms of remaining sober, not to fall into big emotional waves, becoming obsessed with thought patterns, and thinking it is enough, ‘I’ve done my part’ – while the whole world gone mad. Bringing change by living as an example is one thing, but when I am presented with opportunity to communicate, connect and share, stand up for life or accumulate doing something towards what’s best for all, there is no choice, or if there is any, I am being self-dishonest.
But until I do not deal with my obviously visible points, I will not raise my voice – or otherwise I will create the consequence of being wrong. And if I fear being wrong, then I will not even try, so that’s another pattern I justify myself with.
Humans are simple, I am simple if I want to be, and if I see something complicated, not clear, that’s because I do not dare or want to see how things are.
So this is a reminder, if I do not raise my voice when it seems to be, if I always be the nice guy and wait – hope – for others to do the things I consider as probably the right thing, I will never find and realize my true potentials, and for that I will always accumulate frustration towards within myself. – > see, this is also a self-definition, another trap.
So afraid of manifesting consequence based on self-dishonest or deluded perceptions, thus not realizing that meanwhile I am already becoming the consequence of not even trying, it’s almost like giving up before even starting.
Seems quite crazy to write like this, but with the compass of self-honesty and structured process, it’s walk-able and can be transformed into responsible clarity.
If I dream about Bernard to tell me what to do – I already know what I should and want to change within myself, thus this symbol of him was actually myself – to approach and face myself and listen, understand and dare to challenge and change.
It’s this easy to find something to work on self. So, this dream reminded me that Bernard’s one sentence was spot on and how if I recall his words, I actually see what I am still in debt to myself to stand up to and start living as an obvious potential within myself.
What is also clear about the dream – or more likely I liked afterwards, that I chosen process first, friends second, going to meet Bernard, even if he would be direct or raw, challenging and very overwhelming sometimes, I always welcomed as he was support, and if anything he – or anyone say to me – would really hurt my feelings, that’s also supportive to realize the extent of self-delusion I accepted myself to exist within and how timely and common sense to start working on understanding, stopping and changing.
Thanks for reading, self-forgiveness will commence in the next post.