I had a dream in the morning.
This was like a campus versus farm versus castle. Relatable to Desteni farm and my university and even high school. Obviously as a place where I learn and grow.
There was dinner time and I was helping with serving. There were MANY plates to fill and I was wondering about that this eventually should be automatized as it’s very honorable thing to do but takes so much time. I became aware of that I have my high school friends around the vicinity, so I decided to visit them after finishing with serving the food.
I remember walking and hurrying for more and more plates and putting fresh and warm food onto many plates and then it just fades away. It took so long that I think I fell asleep or something like that. It was like in a movie with a fade to black scenery change.
I wake up, no one is around(looks like I am in a castle’s kitchen), there is no more food left; I am not hungry in particular, but still, the thought occurs to me by habit that could have been better if have eaten but then fully clarifying to myself, it’s completely alright.
Also just became aware of that Bernard (Mr Poolman) is in the main building. I remind myself that I have to see my friends as it’s cool opportunity that they are here, and I go to see Bernard and the others. By the others here I mean other of my friends from the Desteni group or farm.
On my way to the main place, I wonder that why some people are(were – he has passed away) so afraid from Bernard, and by looking into me I see some shit(self-dishonesty still accepted), but no resistance or worry I see about meeting him, rather a cheer up, excitement and curiosity.
I find the group near a sort of podium, looks like some time ago a statue must have been standing there, but now there are people sitting comfortably and discussing with Bernard. I see his bald head from distance and I look around to see if there is some edible dinner and no, it’s fine – and I approach them with firm steps. I find myself lucky(in the dream, in reality more like honored) to know these people.
And then I wake up.
Sort of like this was the dream. It’s clear to me what it means, supports me with, just reflecting back to the whole idea of ‘fear of Bernard’. I know some people who were so scared and overwhelmed, when they met or talked with him.
And of course, they were not really afraid of him, because he did not harm anyone, however he was able to see self-dishonesty within one and support them to realize for themselves – and for some this meant gentle, even humorous talk, such as with me, but with some he shouted and used sharp words to get through the shell of their conviction, delusion or justification. He did not really care of his image, always felt like he is on edge just the right amount to be able to make others understand what he saw.
This is certainly debatable as why to be ever harsh or blunt, loud or uncomfortable for anyone?
I remember, when once he told me in the farm’s kitchen that he wants to hear me shout, my voice to be loud and heard, as I am not expressing myself, just being the quiet nice guy all the time while having these realizations yet not acting out in relation to the world.
It is still a point to be lived and this post is dedicated to substantiate the realizations I see already and to see what is to be still to understand and prepare in support for living potentials without resistance or fear.
Let’s it to be an opener for now with a list of related points and then free form of ranting and raving(it’s a technique to serialize the mind to see it in front of me):
- I almost always used to be a nice guy, someone to be liked or respected, but that was never true me.
- There is suppressed anger and desires what can be exerted if really poked around, ‘better keep the animal tamed’.
- If there is any doubt and I act upon some serious direct power expression, such as shouting with purpose, I should be absolutely right about it, otherwise I would (further) undermine my self-trust.
- What if I am being resisted to, challenged or dominated down, then I also would feel split between, like acting, instead of being certain and powerful.
- If I wait enough, there is usually someone who takes the charge, even if I will not totally agree with their method and way of dealing with a situation I am part of it – I can always justify that I decided to wait, if it would be really important, I could have acted upon.
Based on these points I see within – they are not really present, or not always, but within brutal self-honesty I can see signs of these could appear in my mind and thus could be triggered – therefore I could be influenced by these patterns – so these can be referred as self-allowed and accepted vulnerability of self-dishonesty.
That’s actually supportive to admit, to face and prevent myself acting upon self-dishonesty within description of specificity.
- Need to be appreciated, liked, trusted, respected – lack of self-appreciation, self-trust, self-love.
- Need to be absolutely sure – doubt within starting point, details of behavior.
- Fear of being resisted, challenged, dominated – inferiority, fear of loss, fear of fear.
- Justifying accepting resistances and waiting for others to do what I clearly see that I could do myself.
I see self-dishonesty everywhere – within myself, but within others as well – for a while it was really challenging not to focus to other’s bullshit, but the fact is if I am really falling into someone’s self-dishonesty to focus into, probably there is something at my door already, what I should focus to first to deal with.
I used to be spiritual, buddhist and so lost in my deluded ass benevolent enlightenment ideas that it was tough to wake up from that, but there was no other way, I was clearly seeing that this is not living.
And once I stopped participating in spiritual agenda, thinking, feeling and patterning, I kept judging all of those still doing so, because I already saw that they are full of crap, just like I was, but I was merely just a little bit out from my shit, so I could take a breath here and there.
When I started to really work with self-forgiveness, self-commitment, self-corrective statements to stop the patterns, the more I let go those patterns, the less I was focusing to others, and the less I was focusing to others, the more I was able to stop my own self-dishonesty.
Same was with alcohol or drugs for instance. It’s so cool to not rely to those, the experiences, the rituals and justifications.
Nowadays I can go to a bar, a party, where many people are literally wasted, high or low, I do not judge them, certainly have my comprehension of what they do and what consequence they seem to create with it, but SELF FIRST is key.
I spent about a decade to mimic to put myself last, but in fact never, and once tried to do so, it was obvious that it is just nonsense. I was about to save the world, yet I could not even save myself from becoming frustrated if I went to a mall with full of people or could not keep my temper when I was annoyed by my girlfriends honesty. Yet, saving the world, lot of crap.
So. Raising my voice is not about me being right or me not being sure if I am right or not. It’s about being able to see what’s here, to be open and honest with myself to see if I am acting upon fear or emotion or I am capable of considering all participants and factors equally within principle.
Speaking facts, exposing dishonesty and abuse starts with self and it naturally flows into embracing our reality, including others as well. If there is anything, anything moves me, it’s not me, it’s a system, thus my responsibility to comprehend, decompose and stop, forgive and let go and take direction within awareness of consequence.
I see that it’s fine to go out with others and focusing on only ‘my purity’ in terms of remaining sober, not to fall into big emotional waves, becoming obsessed with thought patterns, and thinking it is enough, ‘I’ve done my part’ – while the whole world gone mad. Bringing change by living as an example is one thing, but when I am presented with opportunity to communicate, connect and share, stand up for life or accumulate doing something towards what’s best for all, there is no choice, or if there is any, I am being self-dishonest.
But until I do not deal with my obviously visible points, I will not raise my voice – or otherwise I will create the consequence of being wrong. And if I fear being wrong, then I will not even try, so that’s another pattern I justify myself with.
Humans are simple, I am simple if I want to be, and if I see something complicated, not clear, that’s because I do not dare or want to see how things are.
So this is a reminder, if I do not raise my voice when it seems to be, if I always be the nice guy and wait – hope – for others to do the things I consider as probably the right thing, I will never find and realize my true potentials, and for that I will always accumulate frustration towards within myself. – > see, this is also a self-definition, another trap.
So afraid of manifesting consequence based on self-dishonest or deluded perceptions, thus not realizing that meanwhile I am already becoming the consequence of not even trying, it’s almost like giving up before even starting.
Seems quite crazy to write like this, but with the compass of self-honesty and structured process, it’s walk-able and can be transformed into responsible clarity.
If I dream about Bernard to tell me what to do – I already know what I should and want to change within myself, thus this symbol of him was actually myself – to approach and face myself and listen, understand and dare to challenge and change.
It’s this easy to find something to work on self. So, this dream reminded me that Bernard’s one sentence was spot on and how if I recall his words, I actually see what I am still in debt to myself to stand up to and start living as an obvious potential within myself.
What is also clear about the dream – or more likely I liked afterwards, that I chosen process first, friends second, going to meet Bernard, even if he would be direct or raw, challenging and very overwhelming sometimes, I always welcomed as he was support, and if anything he – or anyone say to me – would really hurt my feelings, that’s also supportive to realize the extent of self-delusion I accepted myself to exist within and how timely and common sense to start working on understanding, stopping and changing.
Thanks for reading, self-forgiveness will commence in the next post.