Day 374 – Dream interpretation – raising my voice

P1010833I had a dream in the morning.
This was like a campus versus farm versus castle. Relatable to Desteni farm and my university and even high school. Obviously as a place where I learn and grow.

There was dinner time and I was helping with serving. There were MANY plates to fill and I was wondering about that this eventually should be automatized as it’s very honorable thing to do but takes so much time. I became aware of that I have my high school friends around the vicinity, so I decided to visit them after finishing with serving the food.
I remember walking and hurrying for more and more plates and putting fresh and warm food onto many plates and then it just fades away. It took so long that I think I fell asleep or something like that. It was like in a movie with a fade to black scenery change.

I wake up, no one is around(looks like I am in a castle’s kitchen), there is no more food left; I am not hungry in particular, but still, the thought occurs to me by habit that could have been better if have eaten but then fully clarifying to myself, it’s completely alright.
Also just became aware of that Bernard (Mr Poolman) is in the main building. I remind myself that I have to see my friends as it’s cool opportunity that they are here, and I go to see Bernard and the others. By the others here I mean other of my friends from the Desteni group or farm.
On my way to the main place, I wonder that why some people are(were – he has passed away) so afraid from Bernard, and by looking into me I see some shit(self-dishonesty still accepted), but no resistance or worry I see about meeting him, rather a cheer up, excitement and curiosity.

I find the group near a sort of podium, looks like some time ago a statue must have been standing there, but now there are people sitting comfortably and discussing with Bernard. I see his bald head from distance and I look around to see if there is some edible dinner and no, it’s fine – and I approach them with firm steps. I find myself lucky(in the dream, in reality more like honored) to know these people.
And then I wake up.

Sort of like this was the dream. It’s clear to me what it means, supports me with, just reflecting back to the whole idea of ‘fear of Bernard’. I know some people who were so scared and overwhelmed, when they met or talked with him.

And of course, they were not really afraid of him, because he did not harm anyone, however he was able to see self-dishonesty within one and support them to realize for themselves – and for some this meant gentle, even humorous talk, such as with me, but with some he shouted and used sharp words to get through the shell of their conviction, delusion or justification. He did not really care of his image, always felt like he is on edge just the right amount to be able to make others understand what he saw.

This is certainly debatable as why to be ever harsh or blunt, loud or uncomfortable for anyone?

I remember, when once he told me in the farm’s kitchen that he wants to hear me shout, my voice to be loud and heard, as I am not expressing myself, just being the quiet nice guy all the time while having these realizations yet not acting out in relation to the world.

It is still a point to be lived and this post is dedicated to substantiate the realizations I see already and to see what is to be still to understand and prepare in support for living potentials without resistance or fear.

Let’s it to be an opener for now with a list of related points and then free form of ranting and raving(it’s a technique to serialize the mind to see it in front of me):

  • I almost always used to be a nice guy, someone to be liked or respected, but that was never true me.
  • There is suppressed anger and desires what can be exerted if really poked around, ‘better keep the animal tamed’.
  • If there is any doubt and I act upon some serious direct power expression, such as shouting with purpose, I should be absolutely right about it, otherwise I would (further) undermine my self-trust.
  • What if I am being resisted to, challenged or dominated down, then I also would feel split between, like acting, instead of being certain and powerful.
  • If I wait enough, there is usually someone who takes the charge, even if I will not totally agree with their method and way of dealing with a situation I am part of it – I can always justify that I decided to wait, if it would be really important, I could have acted upon.

Based on these points I see within – they are not really present, or not always, but within brutal self-honesty I can see signs of these could appear in my mind and thus could be triggered – therefore I could be influenced by these patterns – so these can be referred as self-allowed and accepted vulnerability of self-dishonesty.

That’s actually supportive to admit, to face and prevent myself acting upon self-dishonesty within description of specificity.

Reflection:

  • Need to be appreciated, liked, trusted, respected – lack of self-appreciation, self-trust, self-love.
  • Need to be absolutely sure – doubt within starting point, details of behavior.
  • Fear of being resisted, challenged, dominated – inferiority, fear of loss, fear of fear.
  • Justifying accepting resistances and waiting for others to do what I clearly see that I could do myself.

I see self-dishonesty everywhere – within myself, but within others as well – for a while it was really challenging not to focus to other’s bullshit, but the fact is if I am really falling into someone’s self-dishonesty to focus into, probably there is something at my door already, what I should focus to first to deal with.
I used to be spiritual, buddhist and so lost in my deluded ass benevolent enlightenment ideas that it was tough to wake up from that, but there was no other way, I was clearly seeing that this is not living.
And once I stopped participating in spiritual agenda, thinking, feeling and patterning, I kept judging all of those still doing so, because I already saw that they are full of crap, just like I was, but I was merely just a little bit out from my shit, so I could take a breath here and there.
When I started to really work with self-forgiveness, self-commitment, self-corrective statements to stop the patterns, the more I let go those patterns, the less I was focusing to others, and the less I was focusing to others, the more I was able to stop my own self-dishonesty.

Same was with alcohol or drugs for instance. It’s so cool to not rely to those, the experiences, the rituals and justifications.
Nowadays I can go to a bar, a party, where many people are literally wasted, high or low, I do not judge them, certainly have my comprehension of what they do and what consequence they seem to create with it, but SELF FIRST is key.

I spent about a decade to mimic to put myself last, but in fact never, and once tried to do so, it was obvious that it is just nonsense. I was about to save the world, yet I could not even save myself from becoming frustrated if I went to a mall with full of people or could not keep my temper when I was annoyed by my girlfriends honesty. Yet, saving the world, lot of crap.

So. Raising my voice is not about me being right or me not being sure if I am right or not. It’s about being able to see what’s here, to be open and honest with myself to see if I am acting upon fear or emotion or I am capable of considering all participants and factors equally within principle.

Speaking facts, exposing dishonesty and abuse starts with self and it naturally flows into embracing our reality, including others as well. If there is anything, anything moves me, it’s not me, it’s a system, thus my responsibility to comprehend, decompose and stop, forgive and let go and take direction within awareness of consequence.

I see that it’s fine to go out with others and focusing on only ‘my purity’ in terms of remaining sober, not to fall into big emotional waves, becoming obsessed with thought patterns, and thinking it is enough, ‘I’ve done my part’ – while the whole world gone mad. Bringing change by living as an example is one thing, but when I am presented with opportunity to communicate, connect and share, stand up for life or accumulate doing something towards what’s best for all, there is no choice, or if there is any, I am being self-dishonest.

But until I do not deal with my obviously visible points, I will not raise my voice – or otherwise I will create the consequence of being wrong. And if I fear being wrong, then I will not even try, so that’s another pattern I justify myself with.
Humans are simple, I am simple if I want to be, and if I see something complicated, not clear, that’s because I do not dare or want to see how things are.
So this is a reminder, if I do not raise my voice when it seems to be, if I always be the nice guy and wait – hope – for others to do the things I consider as probably the right thing, I will never find and realize my true potentials, and for that I will always accumulate frustration towards within myself. – > see, this is also a self-definition, another trap.

So afraid of manifesting consequence based on self-dishonest or deluded perceptions, thus not realizing that meanwhile I am already becoming the consequence of not even trying, it’s almost like giving up before even starting.

Seems quite crazy to write like this, but with the compass of self-honesty and structured process, it’s walk-able and can be transformed into responsible clarity.

If I dream about Bernard to tell me what to do – I already know what I should and want to change within myself, thus this symbol of him was actually myself – to approach and face myself and listen, understand and dare to challenge and change.

It’s this easy to find something to work on self. So, this dream reminded me that Bernard’s one sentence was spot on and how if I recall his words, I actually see what I am still in debt to myself to stand up to and start living as an obvious potential within myself.

What is also clear about the dream – or more likely I liked afterwards, that I chosen process first, friends second, going to meet Bernard, even if he would be direct or raw, challenging and very overwhelming sometimes, I always welcomed as he was support, and if anything he – or anyone say to me – would really hurt my feelings, that’s also supportive to realize the extent of self-delusion I accepted myself to exist within and how timely and common sense to start working on understanding, stopping and changing.

Thanks for reading, self-forgiveness will commence in the next post.

Until that, check out EQAFE and the new Destonians community site.

 

 

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Day 363 – Intensity as identity – decomposition part 3

IMG_9539Continuing with Intensity mind decomposition

I introduce a concept of identity. It supports with grounding when tendency to prioritize intensity versus practicality.

Sometimes intensity is required, to accumulate an amount to dominate by energy or force or quantity. Break through a resistance, a wall, a vote, win an auction, etc.

But it does not make sense to keep intensifying for the sake of intensity and the self-generated value of it. Why? Because there is a questionable part within it, which is the self-defined value, based on a virtual velocity, which is in the mind only. Yet influences decisions, the actual, real life influence on not only the physical around one, but what also entails and being shared with others as well.

That’s why, investigating intensity itself can be a key to question identity and a way to rejuvenate value by aligning with real substance, not just an experience, a feeling in the mind, which is completely virtual for each individual separated.

I am going to talk about sex soon. It’s a good example for intensity, because most of the humans are biologically, emotionally and mentally programmed to strive for and value sex within their own, individual, self-created way.

My own personal journey through identity crisis and eventually the support of Desteni community, tools and principles resulted with the realization of that self-limitation and perceived self-separation from all what is here is being manifested by self-definition, participation within reactive, preprogrammed mind-constructs consisting of words; thus walking my own creation timeline backwards is a way to liberate myself from my own delusions and limitations.

That is why it is crucial to investigate all the words I use to see what is my blueprint for certain imagined, already happened, feared from or desired for scenarios, conditions; and discovering the trigger points I understand how I am programmed to behave and think, react and act.

Being addicted to Intensity is a virtual trip as an attempt to stimulate myself by a make-belief value system, through praising and worshipping energy, which I can’t define directly, only by actual avoidance of practical common sense, which then results to deny to focus to the physical, the substance itself.

That’s why many praise consciousness itself, because it’s also a form of mind-energy possession – thus becomes normal and typical to not only question the place and relevance of physical, but denying it’s importance and even existence by being convinced that consciousness is superior and the only relevant thing, meanwhile it’s quite a con to fall within such belief.

We are reaching a time and technological advance, where human labour becoming unnecessary and meaningless through advanced automatisation and the emerging of decentralized autonomous artificial intelligence networks, meanwhile Virtual, Augmented and Extended Reality are not only buzzwords anymore, but becoming part of every day life.

Therefore more and more people will not only being able, but completely willing to live exclusively within virtual realities, while their human physical body and it’s biomass becomes the only reference they have for what sort of identity they can solidify themselves to in order to avoiding being lost within the self-evolving digitalized mind-cloud and fog, literally.

It’s the evolution of consciousness, it’s own interdimensional existence manifested and infested into the physical substance. That’s why most of the humans have no real integrity, dedication and commitment, because everyone is being addicted to the same drug: their own mind.

What it means to be completely alone, to stand as pure, as naked, as empty and as dark as possible within this world, yet not to be of anything, for something, but to simply be here as who we are as life?

So, when I write: self-creation, what I mean is to walk the process of realizing the already being done part of that manifestation, because it’s here, it’s touchable, so to speak, who I am today, what I do, what I feel and what I realize.

The concept of creator, created and creation itself I have to unify with and as self here, otherwise I experience myself as – and existing within – separation through the mind’s interpretation of space and time – as scattered refractions of who I perceive myself to be.

To realize this, the extent and specificity of this state of being is important and each individual’s task ahead And that’s responsibility, power, because I not only get to understand creation, but as creator, I can change creation, myself as well.

My example and support for understanding intensity and identity, as I mentioned before, relates to sex. What I mean is doing sex, not the gender.

It was quite early in my childhood development, when I tapped into sexual energies and started to strive to learn to use it for my own purposes, which were mostly to cope with insecurity, fear, anxiety, doubt and then to strive again for more.

As a kid, many-many nights I could not sleep at nights, because my mind was so vulnerable, I felt like the whole universe with it’s emptiness and vast endlessness is soaking it, and I could not hold onto anything really solid in that time, so I felt meaningless, insignificant and absolutely temporally.

So I was aware of an initial despair since quite early of my years, which was somehow nasty, yet overwhelmingly intense experience.
I could probably blame my poor family, the government, the so called culture for how I perceived living, but what I did was to start stimulating myself in order to create experiences within, to balance out, to neutralize the intensity of this initial insecurity by acts, such as distraction created by sexual energy.

The way I learned to do sex was to get high with this intense aroused mind-state and use the body and mind to intensify this experience.

Not saying that doing sex is not cool – if it’s pure self-expression with no mind, thoughts, feelings, emotions fantasies, expectations, involved, it’s really awesome, but otherwise it’s kind of virtual, self-created, – thus in the most honest way, I could state that if any mind is involved within any sex, no matter if alone or with one or how many partners involved, it’s still masturbation, where others are just kind of toys for intensifying my mind-stimulation with.

In this stimulation-sense, that was what I did – I trained my mind to use sex to lubricate and catalyse energy generation to levels of extreme overwhelming in order to completely distract and separate myself from my every day living, interacting with others.

There are other ways of course to stimulate such thrill, I also played with danger, recklessness and especially drugs, but probably sex remained the primary source for feeding this un-admitted, sort of primal energy addiction.

The identity and alignment of who I perceive and create myself to be is a great support here, because once one understands how the mind works, how energy is created(actually taking from the body), how virtual reality is being maintained by participation with words through activating and feeding thoughts, feelings and emotions, one can literally stop the cycles and start introducing the learning ability to discover values what are not separated or individually worshipped and justified by society, but to focus to a real and always existed unity and truth waiting here to embrace within starting point and expressed through action as well.

Life is like a puzzle, and through our paths, we can solve it if allowing to be absolutely honest with ourselves.

So, how sex assisted me to realize the self-creation responsibility within intensity through identity?

I used to like doing long sex – meaning to learn not to end/ejaculate(as I am a male) through continuous stimulation/intercourse in order to keep doing it for long time, even hours.
I believed in so called tantra, to learn to control myself, to focus to the other, to not give into the temptation of letting the focus and well, sperm go, and that was quite a discipline and actually a sort of enjoyment to explore.

For a while it was a challenge and quite a stimulation.

It was not easy to find a lady being partner within this, as one of my friends/partners explained to me, and as many are like this that she often falls under the control of her ‘pussy-demon’, meaning to get hooked onto this strive for wanting more and more, get to orgasm and then even more and to just wanting to intensify without limit.

I find this definition of ‘pussy-demon’ – or ‘penis-demon’ a cool reference, because it shows that it’s kind of mind-demon, what I create and allow to possess me and then it literally wants to just take over and do endlessly what it’s defined and created to do: do and intensify, experience sex and repeat until the end of time.

Of course, people get tired, exhausted, real life priorities can’t allow to really do it all the time, but still – and I’ve been there – I see that it first feels liberating to explore this to really go into that kind of cave to explore.

But after a while, I have discovered that even if it’s ever-stimulating, in a way kind of self-and the other’s-healing, within itself is empty, hollow and kind of meaningless.

A year ago I dated with a lady, who I did not find as long-term partner-potential, although we did sex for several times and I found that to be awesome, we really did well that, but besides that I clearly saw that this is kind of a mutual masturbation. And it was kind of long as I wanted and within that I realized that it’s me the limit, yet I do not want to continue with her.

And some months passed and I found another lady who with I did see my preference to disrupt – probably as it was her preference and I liked her so much, but she preferred quicker sessions, thus I had to re-configure my intensity-preferences.
And within that I saw self-direction, self-creation in a way and realized that it’s not about intensity what I really seek, so in a way, I was able to let that go. Well, not completely, as I found another ways to still generate intensity within shorter sessions, but that’s the point I mention here: that I can, even if I am not absolutely aware of that – decompose, stop and re-define how to experience things, or intensity itself.

So that assisted me to realize, all the self-definition and identification with ‘long time’ intensity have changed. Although later that partnership has ended, but now I see, I am not bound or preordained to such detail, I not only can adapt but also direct that change. If I am motivated and dedicated to such change.

It’s aspect was also that the nature of relationship was that I was ‘getting’ intensity energy from somewhere else – it was that I am being loved and I can trust – that gave quite some boost – until it lasted and then turned out to be a bubble, what did burst, but the point here is that as we go through these experience-loops – it’s up to us to realize and give birth to awareness of who we are within these experiences and actions and to see if it’s honest to our core or not.

I still can strive for intensity, but the more I focus to decompose these patterns, the more effectively I can snap out of it, before spending – well, losing – so much time within that and to admit – that even intensity is just a distraction from the real points I am trying to avoid to take responsibility for.

So that is a cool point to realize and allow myself to be honest about to see that whenever I want intensity, I am admitting my addiction to energy.

Thus to slow down, even when it’s kind of awesome to intensify, is worthy, because the more I am able to skip and prevent to intensity with my mind, the better I am able to directly connect, to directly feel, experience and act, and that’s something what’s beyond the polarity system of any intensity could determine or better.

Let’s put it this way – until there is intensity in or through the mind within any experience or action – it’s not direct experience or action – no matter if it’s sex or adventure, sport or art – because then I am interpreting, stimulating myself through the mind, thus I am actually separated from the thing I define to be intense – so thus, this is how intensity, if it’s a self-aware thing, itself actually can invalidate any experience.

And I am sure that many people are not just getting hooked on this, but becoming completely consumed by ‘sacrificing to the altar of intensity’ in order to feed their own, personal lack in their mind they want to fill up with – some chooses greed, thus chasing money or power, or fame or even aggression or manipulation – all ways of intensity itself are kind of the same.

Furthermore and most importantly to realize – it really helps to admit by being honest with myself – I try to compensate with intensity an ever-returning insecurity or doubt, fear or unfulfilled desire.

So, for instance when I was able to willingly re-configure my personal preference within sexual preference in regarding to intensity, I did it based on perception of trust and love – thus that’s what I was trying to compensate with intensity in the first place.

And then this can assist and support to realize – I want someone to trust, I want someone to love me, because I do not trust myself fully, I do not love myself unconditionally.

And it’s okay, this is a process, no need to judge myself, especially, because self-judgement also generates energy in the mind – becoming angry at myself, intensifying the moments – it’s actually a self-admitted powerlessness and the anger I experience against myself is also a fable attempt to re-ignite the intensity itself, which is the food of the mind, the power of it’s existence, because I got used to and addicted to my own mind, who is always with me, to help me, to love me, to trust it, because I have never allowed or learned to do so directly with and as myself.

What are the actual points, aspects, dimensions, situations, conditions, words I face with doubt or lack of care, love? How can I assist and support myself and others to see what’s practical self-creation in relation to live trust, live love? These are cool dimensions to word down and explore, prepare and pre-script in order to be able to live in action.

That’s quite a revelation to admit and write down, share and prepare myself to prevent participating within to explore what’s beyond this pattern, who and how I can be. The process is quite simple – keep decomposing any found pattern, ask who I am within this, am I honest with myself about this, keep exploring and if needed: stop, forgive, change and adapt.

So Identity – as Who I am – in terms of past, present and future – that’s up to me, what I am going to accept and allow, and what I do not.

What reasons I hide behind in order to believe that I do not trust or love, or would I need of such in order to truly live. And remember – these are deeper patterns, one needs to often take effort to reveal, admit or discover, as human is quite a master of the art of un-admitted self-deception.

In the meantime, and actually any time, always:

EQAFE is an excellent place to learn about how the mind, consciousness, reality works to assist and support ourselves with more practical understanding to stop self-dishonesty, to start discovering what’s beyond self-limitation.

Day 359 – Doors of Hell are Open to Leave

IMG_9559

One more analogy. My last post was about Smart Contract as Self-and Relationship Agreement, today:

Self-dishonesty as Hell

There was a cool statement within one of the Lucifer episodes(TV series) I saw recently.

Lucifer walks Earth and tries to be a good guy, helps the police to find killers. Hehe, kind of a cheesy police procedural with some Gaiman’s Sandman elements played out in L.A.

Lucifer is confronted by a man, who blames him to drove him to do bad things he could never done by himself and then Lucifer says that the truth is that he never did tell or make anyone to sin and he does not decide who goes to hell, humans are being sent there by their guilt and forcing themselves to relive their own sins over and over and over again.

Furthermore he adds this as a funny part: the door is not locked, “you can leave any time you want but no one ever does that”.

If someone ‘gets there’ – although people re-live the bad, it’s often difficult to ‘leave’, even when manifested consequences pretty much paint directly to our face the fact that it’s total crap.

Guilt is an interesting approach: self-blame, self-eating, self-diminishing, self-disempowering loop, what does not lead somewhere supportive.

But what requires guilt to remain?

What I mean ‘remain‘ here is that the nature of life and existence is rolling forward moment-based. One moment comes after another and who we are within each influences who we are within the next one, but actually we are not bound to always remain the same as we are right now. And we certainly don’t, as we create and align to patterns.

Yet with how our relationship with ourselves, external conditions, others have been manifested and evolved, it’s often difficult to change our patterns. Even when the odds are obvious that we should. By no means I generalize here, usually I share about ‘me’ and not ‘we’ – but many might can relate.

Just let’s look at fear, anxiety, frustration – addiction, despair, depression – these are usually not fun, yet what compels me to go back to such self-limiting, self-compromising, self-defeating mind-states?

My own conviction, which might seem like my own guilt-based self-recreational hell actually. If I would not go back to re-rely to define things as before, if I would let that conviction go, I could – maybe – explore new ways to find solutions. But I am so convinced that the one I chose before is the best, even when obviously not, I go back to do the exact same thing again. Insanity.

It’s necessary to understand how consciousness works, how we use and hide behind our mind in order to try not to get stuck and still being lost within these systematic patterns.

Everything creates consequence, some more, some less, but what humans usually don’t tend – or not want – to realize is that even a singular thought, an attention, a reaction to that though is enough to add to some accumulation.

It’s the greatest truth, power and fact within existence – the simplest yet most important mathematical equation what creates and destroys, rules them all: 1+1=2.

Within human mind – the same exists: At each participation, it might adds only one tiny drip into a bucket, but once it fills, it has enough weight/mass to wash away practical common sense for more than moments, maybe minutes, even hours.

And during that time, what I do, think or feel – will create more reaction, accumulate more consequences, often regrettable, irreversible ones.

Then it’s really difficult looking back to see – this is what I did, – again – and not to define and accept that ‘this is who I am’. Even denial does not help, especially if it keeps happening. It’s kind of an art – to embrace the facts, yet not to define as this is who I am and thus have to remain as.

An example – if I don’t do something I want – every day – becomes a pattern. I can justify it, I can resist it, I can become frustrated; the reality is that I break out from it or not. If I break out by generating secondary reactions-energy by self-judgement, frustration, and then I am energized to change – which is then temporally and once fades, I return to the previous behavior as without the lifting/empowering energy I fall back to the original pattern. So in this sense I did not really change – what happened was that my mind needed a secondary pattern to control the primary.

Imagine many-many layers of such for dozens of dimensions and we get a picture of a human mind consciousness system’s strategy to contain a person’s life.

And what’s within is what’s without – as above so below – similarly manifested patterns, systematic if-then rule sets are driving the whole world system.
Is it enslavement by an external ruler? Might be that the system was placed to lure/trap beings into such systematic existence, but the fact is that the doors are not locked – anyone can walk out from these patterns and some do. Takes effort, but worth it.

What humans use? Words – building blocks of worlds. Polarity is merely a concept, yet based on self-interest – it’s subjective.

It’s important to understand that anything apparently ‘good’ can be twisted and used by the mind – even when we believe that we ‘fight’ for good – fight means conflict, separation, friction, energy – it’s not direct self living, it’s through the mind and to trust the mind is very-very risky. And many know that – if I fight – I might lose – thus choose to give in, give up, suppress, postpone and distract. Just this still creates: energy somehow somewhere in the mind/body. What accumulates.

The more I suppress – the more energy/conflict I create, the more emotional reaction I accumulate, and then it becomes automatic – and no matter if on the next day/week I am a new man, as all the patterns in my mind are also here – I click/react/move automatically. Can I directly change my own patterns? Some yes. Some, as I am not aware of, by default: no.

And that’s a humans personality basically, just hundreds, thousands of those patterns – and many are connected, related, and there are so many, and a lot happens even on a singular day, it’s becoming difficult to keep being aware of them all.

Especially when I am in emotional reaction, being angry, fearful – does not really help to stay on tracking reality awareness, the mind works faster, a lot of thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, associations, body energetic experiences: it’s just overwhelming – and then more and more of this happens, year after year I end up not being aware of the patterns exactly, how they connect, but in fact I am aware of them, just everything triggers and manifests so fast ‘in real time at situations’ – that I am – again – and always – so busy with the reaction what is being triggered, what I experience, what I will do next, so then I don’t look back, where this comes from.

It’s almost like as I age, constantly and quite quickly walking into experiences, imagining that I am this director of my life’s movie, meanwhile I am literally consistently falling into the next set of patterns and reactions, convictions, judgements, beliefs, thoughts, feelings and emotions animating me to move and react accordingly.

Objectively looking, even those, who somehow are manifested to go through mostly positive memories and experiences – often their life is quite preordained and so easily could be de-railed with some sort of intervention, thus although a human mind consciousness system is well-preprogrammed, yet being so fragile to change and stimulation.

Of course, there are always exceptional individuals, whose life seem so perfect, effective and extraordinary, but isn’t it also part of the trap for others, an un-achievable inspiration as that really can help to screw the mind: knowing that there is this perfect love, absolute fame, genius mind – that many comparing their life with they literally keep fighting for or giving up and not realizing that this whole system can be considered as hell.

Just like in a casino – many bet with their money and only a handful wins – yet everyone keeps fighting to be the winner, no matter the costs, because of their mindset and the survival of the fittest.

There is no real unconditional compassion, consideration, ‘humanity’, ‘love’ within the currently manifested cannibalistic capitalistic monetary/world system, just constant fight and struggle. Anyone denies it is still mesmerized by their own mind-bubble, which eventually will burst. Maybe only at death, but still. The world is an accumulated consequence, sins of our fathers, does not really matter how we call it, it’s really hell for most of us – not only humans, but animals, plants, the whole ecosystem.

The potentials are great, yet the reality is quite sad by looking at the big picture. Which is always an accumulated reflection/consequence of the individual contributions.

Why not everyone lives to their own possible best potentials and focusing on self-honesty, self-perfection, self-direction without inner conflict, without self-limiting patterns?

It’s not that difficult once one understands how the mind works, thus the education and self-learning is crucial here.

I used to study philosophies, psychology, eastern and western teachings, techniques, spirituality and many of those has some useful information, yet the most direct and fastest way to transcend self-dishonesty, thus being able to transform hell to heaven, here on earth, in the flesh is by walking a process of Self-honesty and Self-forgiveness.
Although techniques and strategies might differ from individual to another, but being honest with myself and to forgive what I have accepted and allowed to become, manifest and participate within: are universal aspects of Self as Life as who we all are, thus highly recommended to start understanding, applying and living.

EQAFE, DesteniIProcess and SelfAndLiving are the best places to start this process of realization, understanding of not only historical, theoretical but actual practical knowledge of how to understand Hell as the manifested patterns of our self-limiting mind, as Self-dishonesty to be able to give for ourselves a new opportunity, a change to grow without the time loop of self-sabotage.

Within EQAFE there are many-many topics and series, various areas of the mind, consciousness, the creation to understand, so then we becoming able to grasp what words we allowed ourselves to define us and that we can decompose those definitions and re-define in accordance of self-honesty and what’s best for all life.

Desteni I Process online courses (the first half year is free, with experienced buddy support, the others require some money as the trainers also have to live in this world) provide structured approach to learn the basic skills what are necessary to be able to investigate our own life to be able to overcome the weaknesses what have been pulling us down throughout the years and many are very personal – addictions, shyness, shame, regret, fears, phobias, unrealistic desires – it’s possible to self-heal.

Self And Living is a direct approach on focusing how to LIVE every day life, by looking at topics, such as living the words dedication, courage, points to consider about eating, sleeping, enjoying moments.

Desteni Forum to discuss with others about questions, answers and sharing in a structured way – ask your questions, answer others, socialize, share, enjoy!

Destonians.com / Journey to Life
to see what others who are sharing their insights, realizations, difficulties, solutions within blogs/vlogs.

There are a LOT more tools, groups and points are existing to start this indeed extraordinary journey to stop accepting self-limitation and start living – and any social media can/should be perfect to start sharing, asking, communicating and expanding.

Day 356 – Honesty and Reflecting to Life

aaaaa1Let’s go back to a point I am walking through, a self-dishonesty personality pattern first and then open it out to see it more deeper and broadly. Describing the problem first.

(This was revealed by support of Quantum Change Kinesiology):

Projection of (positive and/or negative) values to other in relationship.

What this shows in my personality that projecting out an idea of who the other is.
And to have the tendency to become submissive/insecure and thus misinterpret points specifically related to relationship and partner.
This is existing on unconscious/quantum mind/quantum physical level within my personality quite deeply,
in a way, a hidden type of programming exist as interpretations about partner, resulting within perceptions of a
“She is strong – I am weak” dynamics;

which then filters my perception about reality, thus supporting the personality design of experiencing, seeing, accepting and thus acting out myself as submissive and insecure.

Then I react with emotions and I am being exposed to thoughts, such as ‘I misinterpreted, I am strong, she is weak’ – and all of a sudden I am confused, uncertain, thus whatever comes, happens or whatever the other does or says, I try to adapt, embrace and accept but already not being aware of what’s real and/or relevant here..

With specific projections, to support, hide, deny and suppress this insecurity(fear, fear of loss), I make it about her and the relationship, instead of focusing back to self, Process of Self-realization – Self-investigation Self-forgiveness and Self-change.

In fact, I think that I fear of losing her, but truth is, I fear losing the relationship – within me – in relation to her, and although it’s all me, within and as me – still can’t control it, but I try regardless – thus going into inner friction, conflict and fight. Ain’t fun, this happened and had to realize, my starting point was not self-honest, I could do better.

Why falling into the mistake of become insecure/submissive through misinterpretations specifically related to partner and the relationship?
At this point I am not clear on that this fear-based behavior is always being triggered and just I became aware of it – or only within this particular relationship. Does not matter much though, it came up, I walk through and forgive and change.

My overall insecure and submissive starting point about to relationship and partner is not the core of the problem, but a result of the deeper self-acceptance on existence-level in relation to me, my mind and the world triangle/trinity relationship.

In order to face the world, I have defined – been trained, educated/ brainwashed/ lured/fallen to – my mind – and all of it’s perks (self-definitions, judgments, thoughts, feelings and emotions, energetic experiences, etc) always rely to – for interpretation and guidance. The key here is the word RELY. My mind works as a Relay between Self and World.

Thus the experience of Separation and constant strive for forming relationships.

Not only partnership, but any type of relationship with things, experiences, items, anything.
Not realizing that it’s self-created, not real, although by looking through it, what I perceive is altered, influenced, twisted and different from reality, based on the starting point of the very relationship I exist within.

The original insecurity has it’s own proof – the mind itself, within it’s essence and manifestation – the very definition of insecurity, shelling, shielding, armoring me from/in relation to and to an extent against the world – and it might sound biblical but this can be considered as an original sin – not as sin, but a starting point for a painful consequence.

With the mind – I am not directly Living, I am being programmed, triggered, systematized – for few, it’s a pleasant experience due to their programming, but most of the humans are programmed to be really limited, insecure and gullible for temptations , fear and self-interest. Although the Mind is not bad – it’s an aspect, a reflection, a mirror.

Self – Mind – Existence – all are one and equal – but Self does not move, act, feel*(experience) directly, only through the database, processing computer, ‘artificial intelligence’ of the Mind Consciousness System.

Self here is referred as an Individual Life expression, which is unique yet not separate from all of existence. Just for specifying.

There is a self-definition, a self-virtualization, a self-reflection and self-awareness system living within each and every single human being’s head, body and mind.

This is might be the point to ask what’s the problem with this, am I nuts to question, I mean everyone exists like this probably, except some weird exceptions.

What’s the problem with Self-awareness, one might ask, but the question is how it’s related to Life-awareness? Am I, as Self, being aware of how I am related to All Life, what it means and who I am within this? Can I grasp and direct myself within this context and consider all Life equally or am I consumed and lost, deluded and imprisoned into self-interest?

Within my own exploration of living, I have realized that it’s so easy to fall into thinking for instance, wherein not I am thinking, but I am being exposed to thought-processes, what cause reactions, another thoughts, emotions, feelings and probably not always cause huge problems, but the truth is that if I look at it honestly, I have no idea when it’s absolutely right and when it’s completely delusional.
Especially when facing conflict within relationship for instance. Am I making things up or the other is indeed behaving not nicely? But if I keep thinking, virtually running scenarios, desiring positive scenarios, fearing from negative consequences, I am not fully here. Just try it, keep thinking heavily, even when you induce it, while in reality, you are absent.

Why anyone would participate within such act? Why not to remain always here, to just always know what’s right, what to do, what’s next? Is it too much to aim for? Where the doubt, insecurity, worry and fear comes from?

It’s implanted, pretty much a kind of sin of our fathers, an accumulated, manifested consequence of existence, mankind and what’s been before. That’s why, even when most of the people, individual beings seem so irrelevant, powerless and out of context – within the deepest – core of their life-essence-beingness level – each and every single being within existence are equally responsible for it’s current state and it’s direction towards what’s going to happen and come next.

Genesis 11:9

“Therefore its name is called Babylon, for there the LORD confused the language of the whole earth, and from there the LORD scattered them over the face of the whole earth.”

This actually means that everyone has their own interpretation, definition of words, and they try to live up to it, and when people speak, even when they try to do within the same country-language-dialect – there is difference, creating opportunity and space for misinterpretation, argument, confusion and conflict, but mostly delusion.

This is why the Journey to Life Process is required to walk it for years, to decompose our mind, definitions, words to see which is based, related to, infested with self-interest, fear or confusion – and within it’s various forms, for instance in my own case: submissive tendency towards relying points, things, people outside of me to hide the truth that I am insecure. Weird, yet quite a revelation to really see this through and to realize the real necessity to purify myself from the very core of my being.

In the biblical quote’s sense, forgiveness is not to be begged or prayed to, but to put on those LORD shoes on and become the unification of creator, created and creation trinity myself. That’s the greatest blasphemy and redemption at once: to become responsible for all of myself directly. Not to wait, hope for or desire after a savior but literally start saving myself.

Practical common sense is shining when I realize that WORDS are the building blocks of our World, thus the blogging, the self-investigation and look into the mirror through the words we consist of.

I’ve went a bit meta on this from my own point, but it’s relevant to walk it backwards to the origin point before walking self-correction.

The origin of my insecurity is the act and consequence of my submission to my own programmed energetic mind consciousness virtual self-reflection. But how?

Within the connection of equality and oneness with the want, desire and hope for a partner, relationship – I am submitting myself into the polarity design of positive and negative, strong and weak, good and bad.

Missing myself by existing within a sub-merged, sub-routine, sub-conscious existence.

What is one of the greatest assistance is a point, what’s really missed mostly here, is the physical, actual substance aspect of existence. Meaning, anyone can carol odes about the glorious consciousness, but it is to realize that the physical is superior than the mind consciousness, and the systematic manifestation of such mind consciousness is actually superior to us, humans. Just by looking at how limited humans can be, the very definition of ‘unconscious/subconscious’ mind narrates about the fact that we are unaware of how our consciousness work in the background, thus we are literally exposed and vulnerable are to the mind, which actually depends on physical energy, provided by the human physical body.

Many claim, consciousness flies forward, transfers and transcends physical death, the tales about reincarnation and ascension comes from various religious and belief-system-based lore, what lure insecure individuals to a false-clarity which can’t be cross-referenced, verified by living humans and the dead does not speak or if they seem to, it’s all twisted and limited.

That’s why the Portal is so unique – listen to what she says – and if there is knowledge, consider it, if applicable, try it out! It’s extraordinary! Sometimes it’s so casual and sounds very simple that I do not realize that it’s the most profound practical way to solutions, because I can have tendency to complicate, overthink and overreact, while the solution is right front of me.

What’s that solution then? Back to my point – certainly not enough to only realize that I am insecure, I should not be, let’s man up and stop it!

Well, actually it might be like that if I could apply it in the actual situations, BEFORE participating, not being carried away with the habits, reactions, but for being able to do so, I really-really need to know and understand how and why I am doing it to be able to stop – actually prevent myself re-creating the same pattern in real time application.

That’s the main reason I have stopped all spiritual practices, world-perceptions, beliefs – it’s not enough to meditate, to say mantra, to sing prays, to atone sins, to beg for mercy – I really need to understand my problem’s reality to the utmost specificity.

Many claim, well, while meditating, they have these realizations, ‘AHA’-moments, I know what they mean.
But to have a practical comparison, let’s consider what actually entails to walk the Desteni I Process course, to Apply Self-forgiveness and Writing down my mind-body-beingness relationship, to WORD down the perceptions, experiences, reactions and to decompose the patterns I constitute, to for-GIVE myself an opportunity to STOP participating, PREVENTING and thus being able to re-CREATE my starting point and action. It’s very…not only logical, but it’s pure practical common sense.

I know what it means to work on that pre-cognitive, no-thinking zen-animal-kind of state of mind, perpendicular to the polarity-based thinking – (example: What is Buddha – not consciousness, not Buddha – and the student contemplates on how Buddha can be Buddha AND not Buddha at the same time without consciousness? – and it’s like a muscle – I think so much, and then I let it go and then I realize – AHA – it’s beyond thinking).

But this is a limited approach, I did this for years – what one should ask is this:
Why am I afraid to name the things as they are, what is my problem with my words?
When I believed that if I do not define, I will be free of self-definitions, but the truth is that it’s not enough not to think – I mean, yes, when I was angry and suppressed unrealistic sexual desires and I sat down, said mantra all day – meanwhile I had no anger or desire – but once I stopped the mantra and went out – all came back.

So with no-thinking I do not change what’s already programmed on physical level into my mind-body-beingness relationship, it’s automatically living – not just the conscious mind needs to be transcended, but the subconscious, unconscious, the quantum mind, the physical mind as well – and for that one must be able to see and walk the ‘Matrix’ – which has building blocks of words. That’s why when I use words and I face extreme limitations – it’s not the words limit me, but how I approach, use, define and live those words – back to the original point – through the mind, not directly.

If I compare being able to word, describe and understand how I operate to for instance with to sit within meditation(say ‘om…’ mantra and let’s say imagining buddhas helping me or some consciousness liquid they flow into me to purify me or imagine floating energy balls along my spine or just simply imagining a lake’s surface becoming smooth and still) – it becomes obvious that words are the most direct way to understand and if I can’t apply them, that is my already existing limitation, which – also can be solved by investigating and decomposing, re-defining my own words.

So those ‘spiritual’ approaches are kind of cool and fun discipline and focus-practices, but if I look at my real world problem right now, about relationship, about financial points, about insecurity, about anything, what makes more sense? To describe the problems in order to be able to understand it or to close my eyes, go into a mental cave and imagine my spirit animal healing me?

It’s a choice, I get it, I’ve been there, it’s so tempting and vivid and really fascinating, but the truth is, my dearest, yet most brutal self-honesty about the years I’ve spent with these spiritual self-trixteries is that I was distracting, suppressing and escaping myself from directly facing my problems, myself and thus the solutions, because I need to change, and that’s scary, because beyond change there is Unknown. Even to fear to lose my limitations can be scary as ‘What if it will be worse than now?’

That’s why often people start applying Desteni and letting go all those things, when they hit rock bottom really hard. When you lose everything you are able to do anything.

And within this, the another brutal realization is that I already lost my integrity, self-honesty, absolute self-trust, that’s why I am not applying the most direct, practical ways to solve problems. And that’s tough, but the art and enjoyment, courage and effectiveness comes by not judging, punishing, shaming myself to petrification by looking what I have done and became – but to simply start accumulating understanding and action to stop, forgive and change.

I don’t mean to be rude with any spiritual people(in particular: Buddhist – just I personally participated within that for years, thus sharing my realizations), but it’s tough – to admit that there might be more effective way and I almost like wasted years – this realization can only come by becoming brutally honest with myself with asking – how much I am effectively dealing with problems with these things I participate within – is there any belief, hope I rely to, which is not Self Directly Here?

Effectiveness is important – our time here is not endless, no rush, but certainly the amount of progress should not be disregarded. That’s why needs to be measurable somehow. To accumulate something substantial, not just the amount of mantras I did, but the actual realizations, actions, changes.

And it’s crucial to answer honestly, because if I allow the luxury to lie about this – I will manifest consequences to show me equal and one of what I accept and allow. And that might include others too – and best cure is the prevention, to learn by realization, not by consequence with applying practical common sense.

I did not really learn like that in relation to partnership, thus I have manifested consequences, what were not the coolest, I must admit, but it’s also important not to stop by fear of mistakes, because it’s another self-honesty point to carefully decide, when shall I allow myself to make mistakes and learn the hard way, because it’s still better than not moving, expanding, learning and changing.

So, I will continue with decomposing these points. By writing down, I already create opportunity and direction to change and become able to draft a practical approach on how to live that, thus I can continue with that.

I might not always work on myself, sometimes I relax too, or get tired, sick or simply need to make money for surviving, but it’s always cool to find time and opportunity to understand more. I have even got accused that I only care about myself and how much I can talk about myself only. It’s not fun, I must admit, especially when revealing, exposing, even sharing these ‘flaws’ – but it’s encouraging to commit myself to fully understand and stop these patterns, thus change myself.

But the more I reveal, the more I see work to be done and it is my job to purify myself, there will be nobody who would do this for me. It is encouraging to see the Journey to Life social network groups, pages, where others share their blogs, vlogs, realizations, dishonesties and they also work to become more effective, liveable and enjoyable.

I often listen EQAFE audio interviews about understanding more about the mind, life and existence and if I make notes, it’s so easy to find points within to continue perfecting myself – yet keep balancing it with ‘going out there’ and living.

So, what I want to say is that I suggest everyone to have a notebook and start writing down points, realizations and things to open up when will have the opportunity, direction and commitment to stop a self-dishonest pattern.

And there is something unique within daring to share these realizations with the world – it’s an integrity and self-trust point: Yes, I admit, I have been living self-dishonestly, but I commit myself to stop and change, and I encourage everyone to do the same. And I do not hide the points I walk through, no secret mind, no protecting my weaknesses, I expose them, so can focus to solutions. And of course anyone see flaws, misunderstandings within my approach, please drop a feedback, I might miss something – that’s another great point about sharing – I might assist or encourage others, or someone also could support me within seeing more clearly.

Thank you very much

Day 354 – Projection and Responsibility

IMG_0061_hdr_mode_1bogaSuppression vs courage with responsibility
Dis-empowerment vs confidence with understanding

These are so intertwined at the moment, thus walking them together, but at the end, it’s all about dealing with fear.

Most of these points and realizations did not just ‘occur’ to me, I have got assistance from DIP Desteni I Process Online course, Quantum Change Kinesiology and the one and only state of the art education center: EQAFE.

Approaching to decompose self-disempowerment in the form of projection, a.k.a resisting to take responsibility.

Projection is, when I subtly imply that what I experience is not my responsibility, that I have an emotional reaction, which I’ve been exposed to – allegedly – by someone or something, so I am convinced that it’s done to me.

I perceive an experience, an emotional reaction within me, and by looking at the trigger point – or what I think was the trigger point:

I accept what I experience, I submit into the reaction, regardless if it’s good or bad – or let’s phrase like this: supportive or not supportive.

I certainly recognize that something is happening in between me and the world – another person, or something – but I get a conclusion that it’s not entirely me creating this here, which by I PROJECT a certain responsibility of by that I am going to be exposed/triggered to experience something.

The trap with projection is that I am within a mental/emotional state, which is not real, I believe that someone or somewhat else is responsible for what I am within, and thus I don’t consider, I am incapable of realizing the solution, which is changing myself. It’s really a convenient for lazy or coward, ignorant or scared people, because until the projection is not dropped, ‘I don’t need to take responsibility’. – Unfortunately this means limitation, friction, frustration and accumulating consequence of something opposite of great, because it’s based on deception. Self-deception.

Usually it’s easier to recognize, when it’s about something negative I experience.

Recently I have had a Quantum Change Kinesiology session and it was mindblowingly exact on what I have been projecting to someone by identifying the words what really can describe the subtle, unconscious projection.

It really assisted to drop the act of projection, but it’s really just the consequence, -the tip of the iceberg- of a deeper pattern: how I can accept to be subjected, submissive by my self-created and accepted relationships, projected out to actual relationship with others.

It’s about describing real life scenarios, actual experiences, memories and behaviors fitting this pattern with the decision and commitment to take responsibility for to be able to stop and change.

This reveals the deep pattern behind these as self-acceptance and a giving up attitude into a doubtful, submissive and insecure starting point in relation to a lot of things in my life, and actually it’s all based on fear of loss. Fear of losing control and fear of that things would turn to worse than I perceive them to be currently. And not realizing that the reason things are not supportive in the first place, because of this ‘holding onto’ ideas what are good for survival. But this is not living. Big difference.

So. Let’s walk this.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not develop and live intimate and honest relationship with myself, thus not dis-empower and deceive myself with mental and emotional projections, which by not wanting to take responsibility for what I experience but to subtly imply that its all done to me, instead of seeing/realizing and understanding that I only can experience what I create, accept and allow within my mind; what words, emotions, judgments, definitions I participate within and the person or thing I project to is only existing within this scenario as a trigger point for my self-dishonesty.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized when and how I submit into reaction of emotional turmoil wherein I project beliefs, qualities, actions and words to others as if they were like that, meanwhile not becoming aware that it is only my judgement, and as I project those beliefs, delusions to the person, I believe what I project and I act according to what I project, which is not related to reality, thus creating conflict, friction, mis-aligmnent with what’s really here, based on a fear I don’t admit or being fully aware of.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize what is the core point, the starting experience, judgement within what I start projecting by, as when I do, I am not present, I am not here, I am immediately falling into and move with the emotional reaction judgement energy and within that movement being distracted, deluded and only see the trigger point, which then to define as ‘source of experience’ and within that not realizing that I have given permission to my mind to throw experiences to me and thus going into submission, automatic inferiority and within that relationship, not considering and looking for practical ways to stand up to the experience, to become one and equal with it and to decide to stop to see through the veil of projection delusion.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself prior to the moment of projection to name the fear I fall into experiencing and within that to want to avoid it as defining it as bad, and within that definition trying to understand the condition, but with the total acceptance and submission to the experience of reaction of emotional negativity, taking it granted, believing it to be real, accepting it as myself and the act of projection to use to try to define what’s going on and how to avoid this experience, but already accepting the reaction and emotion first, thus as becoming the PROJECTION itself, not seeing it, and becoming the specificity of projection itself, as for instance defining someone to be ‘repulsive’, when I notice someone is not welcoming a certain behavior of mine, but due to my past programming and acceptance, I jump into conclusion based on fear that the other is now ‘repulsed’ by me, so basically painting a worst case scenario in my mind, so then I believe that by this I can ‘handle’ the worst, which is compensating to fear of loss, doubt, lack of confidence.
  • I forgive myself that I have not recognized the pattern of projection as pure self-delusion as I use creativity lost within fear and with the desire of wanting to avoid something, I fall into the emotional reaction of fear so steep, so immediate that I change my perception of reality, but as I want to change actual physical reality, actually I end up only change my own, mind-virtual reality by the conviction of projection: so it’s admitting being incapable of taking responsibility of the actual, real deal of issue at hand, and literally overreacting it and by losing inner balance, I react to my overreaction – the actual, original point becomes unavailable, hidden and irrelevant, thus I end up dealing with my own projection without realizing it’s a projection and not realizing that I have to slow down within, breathe, stabilize to PREVENT giving into fear, reacting to memory, to specificity of trigger point I allow to react to, by forgiving each details of self-acceptance I allowed in the past.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense of specificity of walking through the actual details of fears I give into while ‘falling into’ projections, what is fear of loss, fear of losing control, fear of failure and fear of falling, in relation to partnership, financial status and my overall standing in and as the society, the world and existence.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the continuous self-petrification I accept by fear of making mistakes and fear of failures and within that not specifying what are the worst fears and why I defined those as worst and within that literally ‘facing my demons’ as seeing what I define as I can’t handle, and thus supporting myself to be able to prepare and PREVENT these to accept.
  • I forgive myself that I have not recognized the doubt I give into, the self-disempowering self-distrust by giving into fear and within those moments, when I see the glimpse of actual real truth, fact here, I automatically give permission to my mind to categorize as ‘I can’t handle’ – and to come up with something I am pre-programmed to perceive as I can handle, and within that not realizing that I give up even before I try to deal with what’s ahead, which if I would really see the extent of it, I would realize the gravity of the problem I accept myself existing as, and thus to commit myself to stop doubting myself and defining myself DECIDING TO FACE REALITY AS IT IS and accept making mistakes and failing, but not without first trying with my best to solve.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not good enough for partnership, because I only focus to myself due to my nature and recent decade of experiences of being and standing alone and doubting myself of whenever I am waving and ‘falling back’ to stand alone and thus within partnership not being consistent, and not realizing that it’s a fear of judgement, as fear of being judged, fear of being left, because I chose stability of myself first, always, and not the relationship itself, and within that doubt, not realizing, that this is not selfish, but practical common sense, as relationship consists of individuals, and if I can’t stand individually first and foremost, then I can’t really be a stable pillar of any relationship, thus it’s not real fear, it’s a make-belief fear, a fear of being criticized, or justified to be left, thus I commit myself to stop participating within this fear, but to communicate and share within relationship if there is anything what would waver my stability, how to deal with it and what’s the solution and offer agreement, thus strengthen the relationship and myself as equals.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I am experiencing being judged or rejected, repulsed or punished by anyone, it’s something I accept, I create and maintain, not something what others ‘expose me to’ – thus realizing – it’s on me, not others, and no one can make me feel repulsed, unless I accept to, and within that acceptance, submissive behavior, to see, what makes me to fall into doubt and self-judgement, emotional reaction, which I balance out/suppress/justify by projection, thus I commit myself to not forget this pattern – but to for-give myself to prevent myself to participate and see the relationship with by I doubt and fear, judge myself, thus to specify self-forgiveness, thus to be really become aware of the pattern and being able to STOP.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within projection I give away my power, which is awareness, self-honesty and responsibility, the ability to direct action and prevent consequences I become aware of.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that generalizing judgement based on falling into fear is to try to find and match patterns to which I defined myself as not understanding, not having the ability to apply direction to influence, change and not realizing that by projecting out something I fear from, what I defined that I have no influence over, I actually give into the fear and within that fear, not expanding, not understanding, not finding solution, but to blame and justify, to accept defeat, to submit into experiences to re-loop within emotional friction, instead of seeing the pattern and saying no to participate before ‘falling into’ automatically.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress emotional turmoil, self-judgement and reaction to self-acceptance of existing within worry and fear, without being aware of it and within that not realizing that if I would slow down, to stop, to ask and answer to myself what I really do – then I would see: I exactly know what I am doing and within that to have the courage to take responsibility and make a stand to STOP, with becoming aware, specifically with all details, words, trigger points, reactions, judgments of what I actually do, and thus understanding the mind machine, becoming able to be equal and one with it and to make the stand and just breathe, to not allow it to move.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that self-disempowerment stops when I live the word COURAGE to become responsible for all the automatic mind movements I give permission automatically happen in the name of justification and conviction of trying to cope and manage, control and save from the things and experience I fear facing or being exposed to and within this to realize that self-empowerment is to LIVE COURAGE AS SELF-HONESTY to stop participate in the mind and stop living through it, but directly here, in and AS BREATH, as the LIVING FLESH.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I am able to slow down within to see the pattern before participating in it, I remain present, to see the issue at hand more clearly, without going into the fear/projection/emotional reaction, which would assist and support me to be able to not just see problem, but also to see and carry out solution as well.

Standing as Self as Life – regardless of alone or others – direct support applied here from EQAFE – Abandoned – Self-forgiveness

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within projecting qualities, behavior and attitudes to others, words, what I accepted as ‘I cannot live by myself directly, thus needing someone for that’ and I try to cope with the self-accepted experience of uncertainty, insecurity of I might not ‘get fulfilled about those words’ and submit myself into my mind to hope that it tells me what is going on and within that not realizing that I project out things what are not there, but this way I do not have to deal with the fear of loss, the possibility to lose what I hold onto as defining it’s value within the self-identification and self-definition of this thing I do not want to lose is part of me, who I define myself to be and fear losing as then I would need to see who I am behind, without it, barely myself, facing myself, which I’ve defined as not whole, not soothing, not strong enough.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have defined strength outside of me, defined to become whole to be part of something, to join with someone, thus becoming dependent and relied to have the experience of whole and strength, soothing ONLY when being in relation to something or someone separate from me, THROUGH the definitions and experiences, feelings and emotions, energies OF THE MIND, instead of realizing that this is not direct living, this is a bubble, a delusion, pink sunglasses, which will never last, and the more I struggle to keep holding onto it, the more difficult and stressed, worrisome and submissive I become in relation to the relationship, to my mind and in overall anything but self here directly.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the self-definition of not being strong enough is delusion, an energetic addiction as coming from self-judgement based on memories and imprinting, which I can break through with consistent and disciplined application of specificity within applying, writing and sounding Self-forgiveness to release the suppressed and stored tension within my body and mind, to accumulate understanding and direction to what I commit myself to STOP and the more I stop participate within the mind, the more I see the reality, thus becoming able to deal with it, thus seeing it more clearly, thus more and more being able to become effective to apply practical solutions.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define strength in relation to muscles, how do I look and how much I can lift or do in comparison to other men I saw, read or heard about and within that comparison seeing that I am inferior and not realizing that real strength as self here has nothing to do with physical strength, but as a will, a commitment, a discipline, a real expression of who I am as LIFE and within that what I accept and what I don’t and also to realize that when I would give up or in, into doubt, fear, give up, projection or suppression – it also has nothing to do with physical strength, muscles or how do I look or how much I can lift or endure physically, thus to realize, any time I compare to physical strength in relation to whether to give into self-dishonesty, it’s an excuse, a justification, thus literally lie to myself, which I commit myself to stop.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself not being whole, because not being able to experience, have access to certain qualities, aspects, to live words, and finding the need to rely to, to connect for, to become dependent on others in order to be able to live strength, wholesome and soothing and within that not realizing that this is an experience I give into, and behind the experience, there is a self-creation process, which I do not want to become aware of, because then I would see, that not only I have accepted myself to be created like this, but each and every single time, when being triggered to the same pattern, actually and actively giving permission to my mind, fueling with my beingness acceptance, re-creating the same ‘me’ as self-dishonesty – and within that not realizing that this is the key for the solution: all I need to start doing is to STOP participating within the same pattern with becoming aware of the exact words, reactions, trigger points with absolute specificity, commitment and diligent accumulation of understanding and self-movement to manifest the consequence of breaking the habit of: – defining myself not whole, not strong, not being able to care and love myself directly, and finding practical ways to accumulate and stabilize, expand with and express of living the words of strength, soothing, whole directly.
  • I forgive myself that I have defined women to be needed for experience myself as whole, to define myself existing without woman as not have access to soothing, without the back and forth communication and share with a woman who I trust and respect, not to be able to experience strength as I have defined myself being alone as a lone wolf, a wanderer, someone without being roots, interpersonal commitment or interest; instead of realizing that if I define and give myself ‘roots’ and purpose with a woman, then I am consistently accepting a dependency, which as in it’s relationship form directs me and I hold onto, thus accept self-compromise and self-dishonesty, thus I let all go and create relationship, connection without polarity, without wanting to fulfill what I lack within self, but to see how can I live words directly.

This is it for now – so walking from submitting into projection towards taking responsibility to see the patterns and the reason to be submissive within the experience of lacking and being unable to have access to experience and live specific words and within that belief, to depend on, hope for and submit myself into relationships based on fear of not being able to ‘LIVE’ or fear of losing what I believe I have of such.

Projection is really a trap, let’s clarify: it’s unacceptable, and ‘luckily’ Desteni I Process and EQAFE provide quite a detailed, structured and specific understanding to be able to stand up to it and being able to break the cycle and start accumulating self-trust and self-honest honoring Life as self as equal as one.

Day 352 – Seeing the Matrix : Relationships

IMG_0529It is crucial to realize – the very definition and expression of the word RELATIONSHIP – determines any and all I experience, create, form and participate with in this world – let it be with objects, animals or humans.

All what we do is relate. Interesting word itself: re-late                    re-late-I-on-ship.

To see the Matrix is not by taking mescaline or stare floating green unicode character sequences but to see the relationships we exist within. In this sense, that’s why this is true from that movie(I know, I love to quote from it):

“-The Matrix is everywhere, it is all around us, even now in this very room, you can see it, when you look out your window or turn on your television. You can feel it, when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes.
It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.
-What truth?
-That you are a slave, Neo. Like everyone else, you were born into bondage, born into a prison what you cannot smell or taste or touch. A prison for your mind.
Unfortunately no one can be told what The Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself.”

Relationships we exist within is all around us, even wherever you are right now, how you perceive, define, react to, judge, relate to – it’s everything.

See – it’s not mystery to realize – our own mind is The Matrix they refer to, and if it’s defined to manifest self-limitation, then that’s we become and act as naturally.

But it does not have to remain like that, our mind is a programmable system, reflects our awareness, direction, effort and consequence, thus can be decomposed, understood, re-designed, re-defined with relationships of words.

To be able to do so, one needs the specificity and the commitment: to see the very core of one’s relationships, and it is not always transparent as the human mind consciousness system has layers, which we are not entirely aware of.

It’s not taught in schools, parents are also unaware of it, even psychologists/psychiatrists are just scratching the surface, eastern gurus and ‘masters’ are often telling or doing ridiculously questionable things and they don’t provide a structured platform with practical common sense and clarity and it’s filled up with belief systems, rituals or religion, thus it does not make any sense to delve into those either.

I’ve been looking for the ‘truth’ for so long, read all kinds of books, visited events, groups all over the globe, and what I was always searching: my self-honesty, which is right here.

Luckily, the free online course Desteni I Process Lite contains the starter skill-set to be able to start working on self, through the layers of our minds and our beingness directly – with words, with relationships of words, the building blocks of our internal and external worlds to act and relate in the real, physical world as well.

I only ‘promote’ this course and library, because it assisted and supported me, thus might can do others as well, but everyone has to see for themselves and alone no one can walk this through, thus especially this platform is a great assistance with seasoned ‘buddy'(who reads your writings, answers your questions), have already walked their own mind maze for quite some years to be able to discover the basic components of the mind at least. There is no catch, it’s free – those who support with the course, are doing it in the principle of ‘give as you would like to receive’ and in this sense, they have also received support from someone else before, thus it’s natural to give ‘other‘ ‘self‘ within the same process of realization.

Throughout and disciplined method is required to bring all the information, definitions, imprints and programmings of those minds I consist of to become aware of, and that’s necessary to be able to really understand and become able to change the relationships, definitions and personality pillars.

It’s possible, many have proven that already, myself included with some major points(alcohol, drugs, fear of driving, fear of change, fear of commitment of relationship, etc) points(and still walking many other), thus it’s to realize – it is not really a choice to become Self-honest and to live that, but it is to become aware and live of who I really am as Life.

Also to note, that within Desteni and EQAFE research – there are significant amount of studies, description, education and support about how the mind and consciousness really work, and even beyond conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind layers, there are more to become aware of, such as the quantum mind and quantum physical levels, which of one, from a certain point of self-realization also has to be aware of and be able to work with to face deeper patterns, imprints and fears, physically manifested self-dishonesty and resistances to stop. Just mentioning to see – process takes time but once one starts walking with commitment and consistency, change soon will substantiate.

“Although process seem to be forever – it is in fact always one breath away from total change.” – Bernard Poolman

So – relationship. A crucial point as permeates everything, thus if I have any fear, projection, judgement about relationship – I might have a chance to be influenced on a resonant level to manifest ‘secondary’ self-dishonest patterns and behaviors as well. That’s why I decompose and forgive any self-accepted ‘contamination‘ of fear and selfishness, spite or any emotion basically.

Seems a bit ‘obsessed’ to ‘work’ on self so much, I know – I used to think, back in my ‘good old days’, when I just took the psychedelics, meditated for emptiness, repeated mantras, danced for many-many hours to acquire a piece of mind, an inner peace, a solace for at least a while, before falling back into the grinder of my thoughts/emotions/feelings.

It takes years to really-really change. No workaround, but once I substantiate a profound awareness, understanding and practical direction – that’s real. It remains.

The variety of Relationships I participate within is surprisingly not much: primarily many would associate it with partnership = boyfriend+girlfriend scenario, but if we really look at it – everyone has a lot of relationships besides that:

  • What is my relationship with my family?
  • My boss, my neighbor, my government, my cat, my body, myself?

If I really look at it honestly, I should be able to describe each of these or any other relationships I find myself within.

That’s power – to be able to word it: awareness.
What I can’t word: should raise the question: Why?

Am I resisting to honestly describe my actual relationship with the person/thing? Why?

And voila: another relationship I start to see: the self-accepted resistance I exist with(in).

Am I not understanding what I feel, experience or see within the relationship I can’t describe with words?

Or simply I just don’t feel the necessity to word it – am I really the one what does not feel, or my mind tells me and I just accept it to have the delusion of self-direction, confidence, peace? These are serious questions for everyone who seeks clarity and understanding.

Not everyone needs reason why ‘loves’ someone or something, as many even believe ‘reasoning’ is buzzkill for feelings, but then how can I be sure that the feeling remains the same if I am not even aware of what’s actually it is? Or is it just to follow and enjoy until it lasts?
And many build families, raising children on these, and they wonder why their family turns into a soap opera with lots of drama.

So, to become aware of relationships to see what’s self-honest, what supporting and what’s not: it’s the very definition of everyone’s responsibility.

My own point with relationships: I have the tendency to submit myself into relationships, partnership, friendship, family – because I find myself ‘defined’ within it and through that I feel compelled to project out that if I don’t, then I am not good enough. I had several long term relationships before, but I have concluded each of them as ‘failure‘, because they all ended one way or another, and I see the want and desire to establish one what lasts.

Immediately seeing the point of wanting something to ‘last forever’, a refugee outside of self to rely to – and when it’s existence is endangered, to compromise myself, to submit, and this also brings insecurity.

See – whenever I share some of these ‘personality flaws’ – I do not feel ashamed or fear of being judged, or rejected – because once I name the problem, I can resolve it, and not that I am proud what I find within, but it’s courage to share, because this is what I am not going to accept but change within me, thus accumulating integrity: for myself primarily, but others as well.

That’s why it’s imperative to not only see the person in front of ourselves of who is the person today, but where she/he comes to what direction as well. So easy to get personal and judge and define, box and exclude someone based on a point they are currently walking, reacting to, figuring out, and they might just walk through in a week and unfolds to someone completely new – or doesn’t. The point is to see how can I assist and support myself and others equally within my and their process the most practical way.

Also to ask and answer: why I would ‘blindly’ ‘commit myself’ into a relationship what is not practical, and not realizing it, and thus not working it out?

For a while in my life, which was around at least a decade ago – I engaged into dating, mating, partnership in a way, which I can only describe: irresponsible, ‘not serious’, ‘playing around’, ‘having fun’ – and I obviously did not know that I still cause consequences and even worse: I judge myself, define myself and actually trap myself based on my judgments, experiences, behavior patterns and until I do not forgive and really change these within me: these will ‘haunt’ me as who I accepted and allowed myself to be.

Not something one would be particularly proud of, however I understand: it was a period of my life, I was kind of trying to find myself not being lost, so currently if I look back, I’d say it’s alright. However. Maybe consciously I understood and ‘forgiven’ – on resonant/physical behavior, emotional level, certainly not, because: lack of awareness of specificity. The devil is in the details, until I do not word exactly down these patterns, trigger points, reactions, their origin, played out consequence, my judgments, reactions, associations, automatic follow-up actions, etc: I am still automatically acting these out, thus the Self-forgiveness, thus the writing as support.

After looking into this: have to realize: I am compensating – I used to be ‘careless’ – now ‘caring too much’, meaning manifesting: worry, insecurity, submission – which is actually projecting out: control. Meaning, believing that the other is controlling, while I actually try to, based on worry and desire to ‘save’, but based on a twisted perception. Everybody loses in the long term. Must be self-corrected.

See – The Matrix – is relationships.

To be continued…

Day 348 – Rejection, Blame and Help

IMG_5972I look at these points today:

  1. Fear of rejection, blame
  2. Facing unknown, asking for help

Fear of rejection

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being rejected as defining it that it means I am unworthy, not good enough, I did something horrible, I am bad person and within these self-judgments not realizing that these come up automatically by the word of rejection, without looking at the situation, what happened, how it happened, why it happened.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being rejected as then I would automatically fall into self-judgement of I am not good enough/bad/horrible and within that fear I focus on not being rejected and by that starting point I am not fully here within self-expression, but always looking at angles of how and why I could become rejected and working against it, and within that actually making it real without realizing it.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I fear from being rejected by myself, meaning when I am being triggered with the word ‘rejected‘ – by someone else for instance, then I do judge myself as ‘rejected’ and thus automatically defining myself as not good enough/bad, etc, and then I fall into that anger and self-hate, which I do not like, as if it happens I believe that it’s true, meaning all my life was mistake and I am failure and within all these not realizing that it’s a domino effect in my mind, one triggers another from something real going into totally surreal.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the petrifying fear of being rejected was always self-accepted within me, and within last years I did not face, experience it because I made myself believe that I do not care, there is nothing or noone who I would care about, of if I would be rejected, I would not care or matter for me, and all of a sudden here is someone and something I care for, would like to walk towards, expand with and walk into as my life, and facing extreme fear from rejection and within that not realizing that this fear of rejection was constantly within me, just I have suppressed it and I justified why I should not care before, and made my life to automatically avoid situations of this fear of rejection to be triggered, just now I obviously could not make myself believe that I don’t care as I do actually.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have tendencies to judge myself without realizing it, without recognizing the trigger points, without experiencing the energy rush, the disconnect from physical presence, breath and self-direction.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that judging myself, fearing from being rejected by myself or others is doubt and giving up on myself as within something happens and I define that I am done, I have fallen, and I believe that I can’t learn from it, I can’t realize, I can’t change, I can’t grow, prevent and solve – meanwhile if I look at things with common sense, the exact point I am facing – there might be actual solution, just I do not look, as busy focusing to reactions instead of solution itself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that it’s ok if someone rejects me as it might be just the best practical and supportive decision and action for the person to do and within not liking, defining as bad for me, I actually disregard the other within this equation, situation as instead of first to look at how and why the other made this decision, I immediately focus to my own interest, which is not to be rejected, but embraced, accepted.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I fall into despair and self-judgement any and every time I am being rejected by others, then I am basically ready to give up my decision, plan, motivation, direction on any resistance, difficulty or mistake, meanwhile also to recognize that it does not mean to completely disregard what others react/communicate/want, and yet still keep pushing, but it is to recognize that my approach might needs adjustment or simply to accept that what I want might not work in this specific scenario – the point is there is no rule, law, algorithm, what could be applied, but each time I must be reality aware and self-honest and thus make decision and action accordingly.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that being rejected does not mean that who I am is worthless, thus to accept to blame and bash myself whenever rejection comes into context as it is self-abuse, which I commit myself to stop.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not judge or punish myself when I am being rejected, then I might become psychopath and someone who does not care about what others want or not want and I would become this person who forces his will to others and within that not realizing that who I really am as Life expression, when and as I am present and self-directive, self-honest and considerate, I do not force myself to others, which I actually know already, thus this is an excuse to keep hooked on self-judgmental thoughts, energetic experiences, which I realize I have to stop, prevent and purify from myself completely.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from become a big ego and selfish person if I do not regulate and judge myself within with thoughts, feelings and emotions, and within that not realizing that these patterns are very limited forms of expression and all related to doubt and fear, thus any occurrence of these appear, I should self-investigate and take responsibility for stopping and re-aligning within direct action.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized my fear-based relationship with rejection, and my tendency to deny/suppress and avoid it by not trying to accomplish, achieve, get done things what I was not absolutely sure about that I will do/achieve/succeed – and thus not expanding, but remaining within my self-limitation cage to prevent myself facing and triggering the experience of rejection.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if someone rejects me, my idea, my approach, my plan, my proposal, etc – does not mean that I should fall into total self-doubt, fear and reaction of fear of loss, fear of fear and start judging myself as worthless and lost, but to realize that I did an approach and that approach in that specific situation did not work, that is all.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I gotta let this fear go and embrace rejection, to also see – it’s okay to be rejected, and the relevant thing is how I handle/understand/use this rejection for practical application.

  • When and as I am about to face a possibility, option, chance for rejection, I realize, remind myself that it’s OK to be rejected, I trust myself and I focus to do the best I can, which means also not worrying, fearing of rejection.
  • When and as I participate within fear of rejection, abandonment, I stop reacting and I snap out of it, I breathe, I re-align physically, and I look at the source of my rejection, what I should focus to apply the best practical way possible.
  • When and as I fear from being rejected by someone, I realize that I can have tendency to judge myself, to push and banish myself, thus I recognize this pattern and I do not give into it.
  • When and as I think that I am rejected, I stop judging myself as I am bad/not good enough, I take a deep breath immediately and I re-align with body awareness and embrace the fact that I am rejected, it’s about my approach within that situation, not entirely as who I am, thus I allow and direct myself to remain at the center of my being, within self-direction, self-trust and self-honesty and to accept it what it is and also to consider it might not entirely about me but of course the other is also walking their process and facing points, applying the best possible decision for their life, which is also to be respected in a way as I would like to be respected equally.
  • I commit myself to not go into self-judgement and self-punishment reactions when I am about to or being rejected and to focus for reality awareness, to understanding of specificity of the situation and to look for options and the decision of what I find as best practical approach from this point and moment now.
  • I commit myself to not give into the domino effect of from rejection to self-hate and suppression of anger, but to snap out of this chain-reaction at the beginning and when I inevitably see that I am about to or being rejected, I accept it, I do not judge, I embrace it and I remain present, unwavering and directive.
  • I commit myself to decompose all patterns, associations, personality traits in relation to rejection and within self-honesty to remove, stop, change all aspects what are tainted with, influenced by, controlled through fear and I let go the fear energy and experience.
  • I commit myself to develop self-trust and self-integrity, self-honesty and clarity when facing others, when asking for something I resist – and to consider rejection but not in an energetic reaction way, but as a valid option within the situation, thus use imagination constructively, not destructively as based on fear, but by really be aware of all practical options with respect.
  • I commit myself to always respect other’s decision and action to reject something from me as realizing, that’s maybe the best decision for the person and all I can do is to share, communicate more if I see that as reasonable to support the other to understand, but ultimately, it’s their choice to accept or reject me or my proposal or my offer or my support or myself in overall and I focus to ensure that I do all I can and see where that takes.
  • I commit myself to see/realize and understand that as I also reject something or someone sometimes, it’s also can be ok if I am being rejected and I should learn from it and to see what I can do better next time if the opportunity would present itself.
  • I commit myself to, if applicable, to not give up after one or more rejection(s), if it is something I am absolutely certain about that it’s the best for all participants.
  • I commit myself to realize that if someone keeps resisting me or my offer/action, etc, then it’s proving the situation to be obviously something I should re-consider, re-align, release, based on practical common sense.

BLAME

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the person who rejects me as projecting my self-anger towards someone who I try to project responsibility for, because I am not taking it, I am not applying it, thus I should take it all back to Self, Here.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever blame anyone or anything within this world and not realizing that it’s giving my power away as allowing myself to remain convinced that who I blame is/are the responsible, not me, thus also believing that I have no power over things.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify blaming someone by righteousness and not wanting to admit any mistake I might have made, but within the possession of blame and righteousness, I don’t even know if I made mistake or not, as if I would not like to know and then face the fact that I might have(made mistake).
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for experiences I am having within myself about rejection and not realizing that everything I feel within my thoughts, feelings and emotions are due to my own permissions, my own initiative, my own responsibility, and if I keep I project out this responsibility to others, I have no power over what’s going on within myself, thus I am just a puppet of my self-accepted personality patterns of fear.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have never looked at all the vast scale of experiences I can have within myself, from low to up, from enjoyment to resistances, from confusion to clarity – and did not realize that I can own all of these and to stand as unified and responsible and to see and understand that I cannot experience feel or think anything I would not give permission within myself to do, thus if I feel that I am being influenced to feel anyhow by someone else, it’s because I created automatic behavior in my mind to behave according to events, trigger points, experiences and if by anything I give into worry, fear, specifically fear of loss, fear of rejection, that means I must stop participate within these patterns and re-align with practical common sense and to look at reality, work with facts and become aware of what’s really happening here in the physical realm, where I can really work with others and actual events, not just within my mind to react and then to react to my reactions while trying to cope with what’s going on around me.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that until I do not take responsibility for all my life, events, experiences, then I have no chance to stand up and have ability to direct the things around me as I would always find a way to justify why I am the prey, the victim, the one who was hurt by forces outside of self, and this is self-defeat, self-dishonesty and self-diminishment, thus I commit myself to stop, prevent myself to blame or run from responsibility.

I am responsible for all the experiences, emotions, thoughts and feelings I am accepting and allowing, creating and accumulating within me and thus I stand up to them as self-reflection and to embrace without judgement, I understand without justification, I stop without reaction and I re-align without fear.

Leap of faith, stepping into the unknown

Each time I walk into something new, I am going to face an aspect of myself, which is not yet known, that’s why it’s new.
But in a sense, every day is new, even when I am within a perception of timeloop, when every day going to work, of a similar pattern repeating, actually there is structural similarity, but if I really look at it and into myself without judgement or reaction, each day is completely new, including opportunities, challenges and points to expand with.

I am grateful that I have the decision, the ability and the self-direction to change my life to something new and I am grateful for everyone who supported or still supports me, for those who I can thank for, I do, for those who I can’t directly thank to – I commit myself to not take it entirely personally and naturally express myself in a way of give as I have been received as I would like to receive.

In this world, where resources and opportunities seem so limited, it’s great to initiate and give if I am capable of – and it’s not even about money or material giving, but attention, just to be there for others or letting them know that I can be ‘here’ for them for anything they would require.

It’s something what I had to learn the hard and long way that if there is difficulty, it’s OK to accept and hell yes! to ASK for support as well – I was totally convinced that it’s the worst thing to ask for help as it means that I am weak and fool, compromised and vulnerable, but as I have learned more and more about how things are working in this world, without actual and personal judgement, I was fool not to accept support even when could have been great!

As it’s never about me, myself only, but everyone in my reality, close ones, more distanced ones, the whole humanity and existence as a whole in a way! And the sooner I can stand up, the quicker the world becomes a better place.

I was also convinced that it worth more if I do solve/stand up/help myself alone, because then I was the one, who did it, no one can say that it was not me, who helped myself, and also I was able to really prove that I am alone good enough.

So there can be seen a fear of not being good enough and the addiction possession to need to prove within this mind-possessive state of ‘me against the world’.

Whether we accept or not – humans are social beings and we are slightly or more directly all interconnected, thus to look at it by ‘me‘ – is quite limited – the opposite of being smart actually.

Intelligence does not mean it’s always advantage, especially if emotions and worries can cloud one’s mind, thus slowing down, stepping out from the chain of thoughts and energies, having a breath, a sip of water and to apply practical common sense is always the best action.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize and understand when I am stuck and not progressing, expanding, growing, releasing and really living in relation to a point or in general and within that not admitting that I could accept for some advice, support or help, but I do not want it, because then I would think that I am weak or incapable to help myself and within that not realizing it’s not about me but to be able to stand up as Life as effectively as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those who seem like they could and/or should ask for assistance, support, but they don’t and within that not realizing that I judge what I also am responsible for, therefore I do commit myself to always check, if I can really solve something and if not at the moment or would take too much time/effort, then I ask for support, assistance, to just open up to someone and share and within that might realize more.

I forgive myself that I feel rejected within offering my support and assistance to someone who does not want it, because thinks that it’s weakness and does not want to be compromised by that and thinking that it’s not the smartest thing due to pride and ego, and not realizing that also for me took quite significant amount of time and work on myself to realize that it’s the best practical common sense to always check if it’s suitable and self-honest to ask for support, help or just to open up.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I offer support or assistance to someone, I should first check if I need any support for me and am I able to stand firmly within that offering, commitment to support through the other until it’s necessary, within responsibility and self-honesty.

I commit myself to assist and support myself and if required, to ask for support and share as it’s OK for everyone to not walk this process of self-realization alone, especially as the mind can be tricky thing as the master of self-deception reflection, thus it’s always great idea to cross-reference all the information I/we perceive, think or being convinced of as sometimes it’s too late or some point to walk or realize would take too much time or opportunities would pass.

That’s it for today.

I have found a great support series about ‘abandoned‘ and fear of abandonment and self-forgiveness and standing up and related things I can open up within self. So I am currently listening and working on this point and will share soon of what I have realized.

  1. https://eqafe.com/p/abandoned-atlanteans-part-478
  2. https://eqafe.com/p/abandoned-part-2-atlanteans-part-479
  3. https://eqafe.com/p/abandoned-self-forgiveness-and-correction-atlanteans-part-480
  4. https://eqafe.com/p/abandoned-conclusion-atlanteans-part-481