Day 405 – Suppression further investigation

IMG_4508Continuing from the last post, where I opened up the suppression point…

Going back in time…

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define emotional experiences as overwhelming and avoidable because of losing the ability for clear logic to apply and within that fearing from manifesting irreversible consequences, meanwhile if am able to keep sliding on the logical thinking, I have a feel of ability to counter-avoid everything I think I would be doing wrong, and within that developing a phobia of making mistakes in general and within that not seeing/realizing and understanding that this rendered me action+less and more suppressing, instead of to dare trying, making mistakes, learning from them.
  • I forgive myself that I have defined myself and my actions to be good or bad based on the self-definition preferences personality system I’ve defined as who I am and within that trying to never risk and step out from my character in order to minimize the negative judgments coming up automatically in my head about what’s good or bad.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy being in control within my mind and reactions, so to use suppressing, muting, over-dominating thoughts, feelings and emotions within me, I became accustomed to strive for the perfect balance within me and only coming out from this behavior when feeling confident and whenever doing something not perfect, defining it as not good enough.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the extent of clinging to morality, even though defining morality as limitation and imprint from the system and finding it not to be influencing to me, in fact sometimes giving into the worry of other people’s judgments, what are actually the projections of my own judgments, justified by memories and within this not realizing that morality is only existing because there is no self-honesty, yet people do not want to feel bad about that, so they follow rules in order to make-believe that they are good.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized how blinding I have became with the morality projected out to other people, especially can be easily caught when someone is acting differently what is ‘normal’ and within that automatically judging the person and defining how relatable/cool/attractive/good they are and within that not realizing that it is also for hunting positive feedback, then turning them to self-judgments for my interest.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized how I am suppressing during an ordinary normal day, wherein I wake up, go to bathroom, having breakfast and going out for work or to meet someone or get or do something and within my moments not being aware of how much I communicate with myself.

Self-communication vs self-suppression

Looks like communicating with myself is being suppressed, and thus my actions also becoming suppressed.

  • I commit myself to establish self-agreement with myself to not only acknowledge and admit but to embrace who I am today, what I do, how and why and within that staying, resting, standing as my home and trusting myself that I can be-come absolute self-honest without any judgement or suppression.
  • I commit myself to express instead of suppress – meaning to open up, initiate conversations, move, show and do things without fear of failure, fear of judgement and fear of loss.
  • I commit myself to discover each moments within my living wherein I participate in suppression and to understand why I not express and to figure out how to express and what to express.
  • I commit myself to stop using my thoughts, feelings and emotions as those are results and seeds of suppression, meanwhile expression, movement, direction, clarity, planning, organizing, enjoying are seeds for further and more free expression.
  • I commit myself to balance myself out to not be needed an energetic mind consciousness system within me to balance me out with thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories and reactions. I become the physical expression of who I am as life directly.
    I learn to live with a dark and empty mind wherein I do not need to think to know, where I do not need to become emotional to feel and no need to have feelings in order to love, because actions speak louder than the mind.
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Day 404 – Suppression to understand

IMG_3071My last post was not well structured, so it’s time to continue with self-forgiveness to see things more clearly

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to control breathing of my physical body in order to balance the overall experience of myself here and within that not realizing that while I believe that I am now stopping the mind, what actually happens is that my starting point is still in and as the mind, meanwhile sometimes when being overwhelmed and losing control, stability and ability to enjoy things, others, myself – then I utilize the breathing to pacify the waves what I’ve created with my thoughts, feelings and emotions and only doing it until I am experiencing this control-stability again, but eventually again returning to the reactive mind activities, thus not really changing, not really realizing, forgiving myself or stopping the mind.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being honest with myself how I utilize breathing as a separate tool only for stabilizing myself yet not cross-referencing, clearly seeing the extent of self-dishonesty within this application as only applying breathing momentarily to stabilize myself, instead of developing a discipline of being able to be vigilant and disciplined to completely re-align with the starting point and not the mind be the starting point but the physical direct living here.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that me breathing as controlling the lungs, muscles, blow in and out air is not natural breathing, it’s rather a thought-process directed to mechanically controlling the breathing process and in those ‘returning to breathing’ I need to be able to see what caused me to call this breath-thought and why, what was going on in my mind before calling that, and that whole situation, context, experience I have to be able to understand to find the self-dishonesty, not just breathe whenever it feels difficulty what I can escape from with buying time from my own mind.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the importance of accepting myself here without fearing of judgement of myself or others and within doing so I am not seeing that I refuse to see reality, because I am busy perceiving and interacting with reality through my judgments and trying to avoid to trigger my negative emotions and trying to trigger my positive feelings and thus having difficulty to fully understand what is the situation here, clearly, exactly, thus causing any proposed solution to be matching reality, therefore having difficulty with real change.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to try to be harsh and judgmental about myself for the sake of energetic experience what might seem to boost my passion for change, yet as it’s energy-based – with that energy boost I might be able to change a point within myself, what causes that type of energy to accumulate in the first place, but then once the energy is gone, there is nothing to prevent myself to go into that same pattern again – thus creating this cycle of walking a lot meanwhile not really moving ahead at all.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself to see that what I suppress is because I judge as bad, nasty, selfish, and thus not wanting to see these within me, and as not seeing them, not really investing to solve or prevent those, but in the background of my mind, they accumulate and when reaching a certain energy level, they just resonate within me so much that creating a point wherein I do those things what I suppress, and because of judging them as bad, I will suppress them and within that believing that I am transcending – until the next time they come out – and not realizing that what I also can do is to sit down with myself and ask – what’s this desire, want about this point I judge as bad – what do I really and truly desire here and what I actually do, and what is the reason that I judge as bad. Within that to realize – because I do not do those things as I really would, but kind of substituting with something I am aware of being self-dishonesty – the whole dynamics of this I judge as bad, and in the end I judge my actions, and becoming overwhelmed and distracted with the experience of judging myself, instead of the possible solution.

And those self-misunderstandings are not rocket-science – let’s say to be able to see energetic dynamic from suppression to obsession and potential energetic possession can manifest as suppressed sexual desire by self-judgement can accumulate to a mind state of becoming obsessed to get sex(ual experience)¬† once or twice a month and then judging myself for that, instead of looking at it holistically so to speak and acknowledge self-communication with clarity to recognize: it’s ok to have sex, so why not to do it? And from that moment anytime judging myself – to see if this is honest feedback and then I might am going too wild with this point and it’s time to evaluate if still am I honest with myself here and re-align accordingly.
Another example can be like when I wish for a cake and say to myself – no, I can’t have this now, too much sugar recently – or I am exercising or I am sick now, whatever reason today no to simply fall into such impulsive desire – and I if I love cakes and that seems relevant to who I perceive myself to be, then I can say NO for only so long, and eventually I might end up just eating five cakes at once, which might be more worse than¬† just having a bite here and there from time to time and just enjoy it fully.

So to judge stuff as bad can result in this police mind, saying – NO, back to your jail! And then the prisoner might escapes from time to time wherein I am just driven by it for a while, I am not in direction, but my suppressed aspect catching up – so then next time not to be the policeman and the judge but to support myself with self-forgiveness and actionable plan to change.

That’s why it is crucial to open up points within self, from past, wording out and bringing those here – might not feel wonderful, but it’s just there is no other way to face and truly change.

Another example suppressing financial struggles manifesting me to become less responsible with spending because if I am constantly reactive and worried about my lack of financial stability – making me emotionally and mentally less stable and more vulnerable to impulsive or irresponsible spending.

Or without the ‘financial struggle not cool’ feel, I am spending and eventually that not cool feel will return and that is how my life’s financial aspect is being in equilibrium – fear for survival will make me spending less.

Not being clear on why and what I want money for specifically also fogs out the direct goal to reach thus when temptation comes, there is no specific point to bring up as common sense, therefore the whole ‘lack of money’ thing is just an other con within me, being part of the big dynamic of how my mind finds its balance across all of my every day living. And the mind in balance is not a bad thing, when people force themselves to shatter that balance with alcohol or drugs for instance – it can become madness and insanity for sure if the person can’t find their balance back soon, they can render incapable of staying effective in the system.

That’s why it is crucial to work progressively with the mind and oneself, not with rocket launcher, but with writing one word at a time. Knowing is useless until it’s being used, so even the greatest revelation will not mean anything if I do not apply it to my own life.
Ok, so in this moment I had a breath out sigh, type of bringing myself back here.
What also can happen is that before applying breathing, I am finding out where is the body at – in terms of do it needs to breathe in or out, is there air in my lungs, or is it empty – and that kind of ‘processing’ – makes the whole ‘stepping out of the mind’ kind of strange, because I am not even aware of where is my breath literally and when I reach for the breath from the mind – I NEED EXIT A.S.A.P. and those extra moments to figure out how to CONTROL my breath are very revealing to how wrongly I approach this breathe thing since long decades.

It’s a kind of pattern what I’ve developed during my spiritual practices, when I was doing zen meditation and all I wanted was to quiet my mind, to smoothen the surface of my mind-lake and whenever something came up – I just pushed it back underwater and said – QUIET!

After a while it was really difficult to keep all in one place because what happens is that I am with myself, opening up myself and I want QUIET – meanwhile this is a moment with myself, so things will pop up in my mind, what I forgot before, what I haven’t dealt with, what I am worried about, what I desire, all the things I’ve put into my mind, meaning what I think or feel about. Everything is here with me and they usually pop up automatically, but when I am in this DISCIPLINE MODE – I want nothing, but discipline.
What I do is basically perfecting suppression with the meditation. Note: it can be perfected in terms of becoming this mind-samurai, and anytime one can just switch out from the patterns into this clear space of mind – seems very cool. HOWEVER this will not solve anything.

I see I am still doing this, instead of wording down issues within me – it’s tough – because once I honestly admit and write down everything as they are – then there is no more distraction, escape, procrastination or diversion – in front of me written how much I compromise myself with suppression. So then the quest I should be on to find the answer to the WHY.
Why I suppress, do I not believe in myself that I can do this? Why I can’t trust myself on this matter, what is the justification for not wanting to do what I need to do in order to get something?

It all leads back to the delusion definition of freedom – to believe that I am more free if I can use my mind to experience things differently than they are – it’s not freedom – it’s a misunderstanding. Because I am not free by doing this, it’s quite the opposite.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe freedom to be to be able to avoid, experience, understand, suppress, procrastinate and deny facts here, meanwhile the true freedom is when I am being able to be aware of all what is here, because whenever I am not aware of something, it indirectly or directly makes me enslaved to it by my starting point of believing not needing to take responsibility for that point I want to elude from, meanwhile the solution is in the WHY I want to elude it.

These points are outflows of working on my assignment to Desteni I Process – wherein investigating the words I live and to see how can I re-define them in order to prevent fear, polarity, self-interest. It is simply put literally a life-saving course. Noone really knows how lost they are until they start walking this course and how structured one can become with consistent application of writing, self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-corrective statements, so then in real time to be able to make a difference. Even if it’s about forgetting watering my plant or how to approach society, the world system.
That’s why does not make any sense to jump into world-changing meanwhile I have not yet walked myself to change before – because that means I have no idea how to deal with my weaknesses, I might not even know what those are and like that engaging with great world systems, corporations, law, money, politics – it’s really easy to make mistakes there with a delusional mind.
I had this strong impulse to add to the world change somehow in my life, need to save everyone and had to slow down and to understand that I have to save myself first. And although I would LOVE to work with world system, finance, education – there is still so much things to correct within myself.

This was difficult to admit, after walking process(of desteni-supported self-change), although it’s not like a workplace where after years one is being promoted to be more senior position, like as from internal now should be time to work the external. Rather to realize – the two are the same, but the only thing what balances it out is practical common sense.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define to be difficult to truly, directly admit and embrace, discover and research facts about how I behave, who I am, and what I am doing in my life every day, in cycles of days, weeks, months and years and to be able to NOT judge myself, just observing objectively, and not considering what it takes to be able to do that.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that suppression is a good tool within my disposal to be able to feel and do better, because of it’s addictive experience of clearness, clarity and unshaken stability, as whenever I would go into an emotional reaction, I just suppress, and after a moment, I am here, clear again – almost like as I say my mind is a lake, and even if I throw in a car – it will just sink in a moment and the surface will be clear – however that sunken car is in the water, all the things in it will leak, like the oil, petrol will just spread in the whole lake and becoming contaminated, until I will not take the effort to lift out that car and deal with it on the surface, such as taking it to junkyard, disassemble and recycle, so then the lake can start healing – meaning instead of suppressing things, actions, reactions within me it with judgement – to be able to notify, understand, yet not judge, not react, not categorizing – yet still trusting myself that I can see that this is not acceptable in the long term to sort it out, solve it.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and worry about if I fully embrace myself who I am, I would accept myself with my flaws, self-dishonesty, weaknesses and then I would be alright to live like that, and that would make me feel as given up and lost and within that fear, actually not realizing that with the cycle of suppression, as I am not truly changing or solving – it is literally what I am manifesting currently – not changing, but only making myself not to experience what I want to change or perfect until it just grows on me and will take over me to show me that it’s still there – and then if I suppress it again – I will not see it, thus I will not see the need to solving it, therefore to be able to see how the suppression happens, when, how is crucial, even if it means less balance or stability for a moment, as I trust myself that I am going to deal with this.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to look at stability and balance as something I have to create, maintain and control, instead of looking at things what challenge and I accept to sabotage my natural balance and stability by seeing the points of reactions, judgments, doubts, desires and fears, such as sexual and monetary insecurities.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that suppression is something I have to work every day with, actively, with structured application of writing, opening up, planning on solutions and cross-reference it’s progress, otherwise I will not directly see how or when I suppress.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for desires because defining them not too high level or inferior, selfish or addictive, and not realizing that the things I can do are not the problem, but how I approach them and how I accept to relate within me is the source of not being the best possible way on living – and not realizing that having sex or money is not wrong at all, although as I have defined myself that I am more than desiring those, I want to be not dependent to those, I want to be free of those made me believe that I can pretend not needing them, and whenever I have experience of desire for or fear of not having – I simply suppress that experience and keep maintaining the ‘not caring about this’ experience.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the actual enjoyment to challenge myself to see all my desires as they are and within that to see that the problem is only because of how I compress self-dishonesty into solidity by accumulation thus becoming part of my self-definition, instead of being honest with myself that – Okay, I need more money, I want a house, what I have to do that for, okay, not to but expensive cameras for 3 years.
    (not that by the price of 3 cameras I could buy a house, but in a way, for the price of ten maybe).
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fixate my desires to the perfect imaginable situation and whenever there is opportunity to reach the initial desire of mine, to compare it with the desired imagination and not being that perfect, resulting in comparison, judgement and refusal, however it might be just I am deluded to see what potential is actually here by the absolutism possession in my mind.
    (such as I want a house in nature, near river, forest and animals, with fast internet, etc – it is expensive – and I might have to start somewhere more realistic, to get one what is affordable, thus creating further financial stability first, then move forward from there)

So what seems like I have big plans, desires, but the actual get to there is not tangible, rather being a source of frustration.
That also causes tendency to suppression.

And whenever these patterns step forward or I am a bit more aware of them, there is also shame of self-judgement, which is really not supporting.

But in a way it is mirroring what’s happening – I judge myself, I feel bad, because I do not really change, and although I do select what facts I want to see when about who I am – about not changing I see the fact as it is and that gives weight to this feeling bad about myself in comparison to potentials.

This shame is quite rare within me, but when it’s here, it’s kind of revealing the whole general mindset.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of not doing more than now as I see potential to do more but not being very specific in terms of what I am ashamed of and what I actually can do more or differently, and within that to realize this is just an other trap in my mind to run it’s cycles of energy reaction/accumulation/discharge and within that flow, experience movement with energy, and to define that as real movement.

I had eczema on my chest some weeks ago and Mike mentioned points I wrote here now that these can support eczema. And I decided not to worry about money anymore and got some good creme to care for the skin spot. It kind of disappeared, but as I am now writing, bringing up these points, my chest is itchy, as indicating(I think) that I am touching the same point and as things come to surface, still not yet solved, but first have to bring everything here so then no need thinking, feeling, reacting to be able to experience these – then I am able to see what’s necessary to be done.

For instance about money point – to agree with myself on what I can buy and when – for someone this is easy, for me as I always had easy salary since finishing university – my pattern is that no need to put aside money, each month I get a lot until I am working – but that is kind of limiting – because I can’t buy more than my salary and I am destined to always work in this way. Which, of course I have judgement of not being good about and by time it also accumulates into being discontent, what I also can just suppress for a while.

So this post is quite eclectic, opening up points and applying self-forgiveness at the same time but in general this is way far from being fully revealed or being done.

What also matters is to rather focus to consistent walk, multiple times a week to write and share about this, instead of now trying to break the iceberg with one go. As it’s not really doable anyway, especially as these points within me are present in every day living, thus needs to be worked with in real time.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the opportunity to write every day and within that not just writing, but utilizing to a specific point within my life, such as suppressing financial-related reactions and disciplining myself to spend more responsibly. Or working with sexual energy in current situation not having a partner and prevent falling into temptation for objectifying, suppressing or exerting something what can be completely normally expressed and enjoyed without a judgement.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that suppressing breathing here is a sign of suppressing energetic experiences of judgments within myself and accumulating into instability and emotional compromise, lack of vision, direction and general awareness of what’s happening here in reality, thus I commit myself to work with suppression, reveal my suppression trigger points, reasons and justifications in order to prevent myself falling into denial of what’s here within me in relation to the points I want to be better with.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that mind-energy experience is like sugar, it’s whoosh creating a big wave within me, but it tolls my phywsical body, it’s stability, it’s capability to deal with reality.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from losing control, to fear from being exposed who I am without suppression and fear of being judged by myself and others and wanting to be accepted and loved by others because I do not accept and love myself unconditionally at all times, and not realizing that it’s tangible and doable to love and accept myself with walking the points of self-dishonesty specifically to change with application and living of self-forgiveness.

to be continued with further investigation of suppression.

I suggest to listen EQAFE – it’s exceptional support. For instance I’ve listened this:

https://eqafe.com/p/my-life-of-absolutism-part-2-life-review

Quantum systemization of the mind and physical

Day 397 – Resistances, frustration

IMG_9045Resistances

Some resistances I am not aware of within. It’s not that tricky to see what’s inside myself as who I am in situations, but sometimes I am preoccupied.
Within those moments almost feels like everything is automatic, the current moments have been decided somewhere in the past and now I have to roll through and keep looking forward to spot opportunities when I have to move.

Moving meaning beyond this automatic framework of what I am doing in my current life.
It’s multi-faceded, because there are desires, plans, goals within and most of them are currently blocked by various reasons.
Not enough time, money, specific skills, opportunities or simply luck, thus I have to just keep looping with my currently created days. That’s the feel.

But it’s a trap of 22, because if I do not change, expand, transcend, my limitations will not fade, my resistances will not weaken, or maybe, out of ten one or two would, but still I would end up being extremely limited – in comparison to my potentials, plans and goals.

It is important not to get mesmerised by potentials of who I want to become and keep faking it in my mind while disregarding why here I am neglecting to acknowledge the reality and specificity of my limitations and resistances.

Naming the game really assists to get back to the ground, meaning what I want to achieve exactly, because then I will be able to assess or plan what has to be done.

Resisting to stick to a daily plan – often happens – but that’s the point – happens. For instance started learning piano with teacher. First weeks, almost every day it was natural to sit down and practise – now I have to decide – which evening I have to do – and sometimes, just as with most of commitments, there is resistance. With this, it’s rare but it is there.

Another example: I have decided to take ownership of an administrative role for a community’s website, because of my interest in community and land management. The point is – it’s really not that extremely difficult to do, but have to change configuration, installment and deployment scripts – this is what I do as daily job, so should not be difficult, but to take the decision of my free time is something I resist. It only needs to be done once, and from there this would be grand. But it’s still new and facing some frustration sometimes with it.

When I have difficulty with things what are not extremely important or considered as ‘default’ – I think I give into the temptation of inherent avoidance of frustration.

Thus today, let’s focus on this frustration trigger and being carried away from the original point.

This is why writing is relevant, practical and supportive – just look at the facts, reality, problem, let’s understand the dynamics.

Let’s build a simple timeline before applying self-forgiveness as practical awareness tool for self-correction preparation.

I do something new, difficult, complicated.
How I perceive progress is slow.
I want to be way beyond this problem as the excitement and rewards will come from steps beyond this point.
I want to be ahead, yet I am still here, trying to get passed by this problem here.
I make mistake, try something, doesn’t work.
I retry something else.
Still doesn’t work
I feel frustration.
I focus to frustration.
I become frustrated, physically and emotionally.
I am feeling resistance against do the thing.
I define the thing to be difficult.
I feel tired, no excitement, no energy high
I find applicable justifications to avoid commitment towards continuing this.
I really have no enjoyment doing it anymore.

At this point it depends on the importance of the thing.

If it is unavoidable, I just try to suppress reactions, frustrations until the last point when I find myself just exerting something, such as walking away, feeling needing time away.

If it is avoidable, mostly as it is a self-defined task, then I just postpone it for better times.

This is a really simplified example of what is called Mind Construct within the Desteni I Process online courses.

So we really go into the details and at each step honestly looking at what happened within me, while in reality, what was my reaction, where it came from and how I could do better.

Within this example I wrote, the website installment(moving from another provider to the one I rent), the practical steps are really easy, but will take time and effort. I do not want to do that, I just want to do it, get it done. That mentality might work when the tasks is to diswash or dig a hole in the garden, but when it’s complicated, needs deep and specific understanding, then I have to stop that ‘get it done’ mentality from reaction.

A key point – from reaction – because with that frustration energy, I am being stimulated to do it – with the definition and judgement of a state where this frustration is not existing – almost like a vacuum pulling me towards it to reach.

Although I create my experiences, reactions and directions, decisions and eventually all my actions – with this pattern what I manifest is that I am not directing, literally not being direct, the director, but I react in my mind, judge situations as positive and negative, compare with ideal or desired situations and based on that I create emotions, such as excitement, frustration.

There are areas in my life wherein I am really efficient preventing of such mentality, for instance driving – it’s a really strong decision – how I drive, almost like going into a different personality, where I simply never do that reactional pattern. I love to drive, something that simple.
There are difficult situations still, not technically about driving, but when slow and monotonic traffic, dangerous other people, etc – but still – I should learn how I am doing that discipline so then I can apply it in other aspects of my life.

I forigve myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the frustration and not realizing I am focusing to the reaction to a problem instead of the problem itself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit and be honest with myself that I use frustration as energy source in my mind to feel the reaction, the inner movement, because in reality I am not moving, but standing at the same point and I am addicted to the reaction to movement, if it’s not real, then has to be self-created and within those moments not admitting, that I am not aligned with reality anymore, but still carrying on.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that frustration is a false ally and it’s energy is temporally and distractive, and extremely unfun, thus instead of falling into it, to see it as an indication point within my application that I need to slow down within and to see what practical plan I need to re-consider and apply here in this situation I am within – regardless of commitment, importance or interest – as it’s in front of me, if makes sense to do it or being supportive, I take responsibility and challenge.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity of physical body awareness to notice the signs of frustration and reaction, such as tension in my chest, shallow breathing, not allowing my body to be relaxed, disregarding body needs such as hydratation, fresh air, short breaks, a sigh.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if something is not going well, I do not need to force myself with the ‘just frikin do it’, but I can break it down, I can ask for assistance, I can postpone it with self-trust, yet not to use frustration to avoid as an excuse to abandon something, because whatever I do not finish, it’s in a way staying with me, as memory, as potential, as fact.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity of prioritization, wherein I focus to most important things to schedule for the day, and then doing them, yet still allowing to not to be exhausted with the honest asking – how much I can or want to do today and then doing so.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that I can feel automatic and monotonic for some hours, days, yet not considering to slow down within to see that there are thought-streams within me continuing to flow and as I am busy reacting, moving, I do not notice them, but once I slow down, stop, look inside – I can discover that oh crap, I used to have less backchat but now it’s on – and I should work with those patterns to disassemble and decompose, prevent and solve their origin issues.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I do not trust myself in the situations of frustration, maybe not even realizing, that I kind of trust myself by default, but at the same time I am returning to an automatic pattern for some reason of being uncertain, frustrated, unstable – and then I have to slow down and ask myself what is the real issue here.

For instance, with the website installment – now since 3 weeks it’s on me – there is no pressure, noone misses it, I hoped it would be easier to do, yet with one hour I could not solve it, so I decided to continue later, without specifying when, or giving myself a deadline, or a commitment.

So this is one point – I did not commit myself to do it – rather just ‘kind of would be nice’ – but with things more complicated than one or two actions, one has to plan, structure, organize and really take responsibility on.

So that’s what I am going to do.
Thanks for reading today, take care, enjoy breath.

As always, I can’t recommend enough Desteni I Process Online courses, (LITE is free), but there are a million other self-supporting blogs, sites online, such as EQAFE.com, Journey to life blogs of a lot of people sharing their realizations, struggles, honesty and dishonesty.

Day 394 – Dancing, drugs and re-definition

2003 dec 13 - IM @ Complex

2003 dec 13 – IM @ Complex

I rarely talk about my past when I used to experiment with psychedelic drugs. It’s so beyond me, yet in a way always part of me now.
There are various subcultures, musical scenes, literature, art and community, which I am still in touch with, because regardless I do not do the mind-blowing, there is value, potential and enjoyment within these connection points with others and myself.

It’s such a taboo topic to talk about, yet there are things to understand there, especially for those who still indulge in such activities.
Not many come forward to share their experiences, because of the witch-hunt of ‘drugs’ by most of the governments, so it really does not easy to find authentic sources of information regarding to actual self-support.

I do not really fear being judged because I did it for a while; I am certain that do not need those anymore.

Let’s focus to one particular point today, just to not blow this writing away.

Dancing. But if I speak about that, have to make a detour about drugs too as for me, one followed the another for a while.

Recently I went again to a trance party. Not to my type of trance party actually, but does not really matter. Even though the whole process I walk here with self-investigation and self-honesty, one would think that to define ‘my type’ might be limiting. And indeed it might be, but still, I can have my own personal taste and individual expression.

So, I love to dance, to move for hours with music, with others, to be dance itself! Quite an experience which definitely can be relatable to sex.

Self-expression and exploration, enjoyment and expansion. Substantiation and presence.

See – one can re-define words and to live according to that definition. So it makes sense to define with words what do not limit us.

Dancing was not always about presence and clarity, direction and self-honesty for me, but I have decided to re-align to this.

When I visited parties the first time it was more about to overwhelm and blow my mind with substances and to attain certain levels and experiences within consciousness. In a way, I am quite lucky as those experiences were literally extraordinary and have showed me that opening one tiny door can change the whole world, thus in this sense it was great.
On the other hand, I was so reckless, reactive, gullible and suspectible to experiences that the whole intensity hypersonic mind-blowing trip-ride got me by the balls so to speak.
Regardless of that my main goal was always about self-liberation and further understanding, I often sacrificed my time on the altar of pure hedonism and even within that sometimes I was able to substantiate some insights, but the fact is – although I’ve tried to raze and explode, incinerate and disintegrate my mind system as felt like it was always in the way of true exploration and liberation, I have been always setup to fail with this borderline self-destructive passion.

I really believed that by brute force I can break through all of my limitations, which I believed were mental mostly, but at times I really scratched my physical limitations with the overwhelming mind-frequency intensification, and although it felt extremely stimulating, sometimes I literally felt like touching insanity and physical death level.

One might find this ‘hobbi’ to be quite extremist and somewhat pathological, but noone can argue with the fact that in this world people are indoctrinated, controlled, freightened and quite deeply brainwashed to the tiny confines of a commonly accepted norm, which is obviously not the best for all participants here.

Billions live in extreme poverty, not being able to afford sufficient food, shelter, education and healthcare. One only can find their own existence extremely limited and imprisoned, when tries to break through the norms and limitations society binds us all into a state where war and abuse, rape and murder is justifiable.

When one tries to stand up and really wanting to make a difference, even just within themselves or just wanting to become a more effective and healthy person, can face the situation that there is something inherently wrong with our mind, behavior and thought-patterns. This indeed requires courage to admit but absolutely worth it.

That was me in a nutshell and I really got fed up with my own bullshit and for a while limitations and truly believed that the drugs will help me to liberate myself.

What I did not take into consideration was that regardless of how much I used brute force to break down my mind system, which often felt liberating, when the intensity and sort of purification energy of the drug started to fade, I always went back to the same old patterns, behaviors, reactions and justifications.

Literally regardless of all the mighty experiences I had about consciousness, white light, patterns, symbols and onneness with the whole existence in and out – they were merely glimpses of a state of being I never really understood. And of course, my own mind was always happy to throw in some grandiose hallucination to please and entertain me without admitting that this is just a play of my own imagination, I am still in my mind, just it’s melted a bit and looks/feels cool.

So what I had to realize was that no matter what I do, the mind remains mind and there is a physical limit I can’t go beyond because I kill the body. Thought this as identifying myself as a mind consciousness system. The body always felt weak, ugly, confining, miserable and limiting, so I was one of those who defined the body to be inferior to the mind and consciousness. Yet after a long while, I had to try to explore other ways to expand.

I was regularly visiting these goa trance parties in these states and it was fascinating, the loud and dominant somewhat melodic yet pleasingly stimulating vibes helped to fall into a sort of trance state wherein the thoughts were sort of suppressed and I was able to just BE sometimes.

What I always found strange that all these people dance all night, and I defined their movements to be unnecessary, in a way sort of inferior, as had the thought: why bother moving the body, to be one body, when you can expand yourself to be the whole party, or existence itself?

But something was calling with those dances, beyond the fact that all the cute ladies were dancing in the front with such a passion, meanwhile I acted like a plant somewhere in the background, just standing, looking, listening. Might even felt like an empty shell, a hollow vessel.
I was obsessed with emptiness, all I cared about to empty my mind, to be quiet, to shut it up and down, to finally experience peace.
There was so much I did not understand back then. Years passed while had to give into the realization that it’s not enough to quiet the mind, I have to move myself as well, otherwise all means nothing, just sitting my life away literally. As the playground for my explorations was the crowded loud party scene, dancing came up.

So I was convinced that with some little chemical help, I could transition into dancing more easily.

That was what I used with a decision that no matter what, this time I will dance.

It was quite a blast! I was still a mind, meaning having mind consciousness starting point, but used the body as a reference point to stabilize my beingness within, so I could ‘fly’ and basically daydream more. Often reached the limit of thirst and tiredness, but with stuff, one can reach a little bit beyond.

There were friends of mine, extraordinary dancers whom with we became one through hours of dancing and I always had the feel of an essence, a symbol to crystalize within my experiences what I believed to be helping me and I started to focus on not only the experience of but the techniques and physical details of my dancing.

I did dance with psychedelics for years and after a while I’ve noticed that I’ve became quite natural and experienced with the whole ‘dance floor, movement, behavior expression and interaction’ but in a very specific way only. I felt like machete-d myself a nice circular path in the jungle, and on that path I was enjoying myself to dance around and keep using the machete to cut down any growing plants, branches, so it remained clean and easily walkable.

But as soon as I stepped over the pre-cleaned path, it became stumbling and awkward, resisted and uncomfortable.

Example: I was approached by a lady to just socialize, and on acid, I was not the most talkative person, and all of a sudden, I was judging myself as seeing how I behave and I reacted to it – defined myself to be like an insect, very anti-typical not-human-like and I felt that although I am now able to have fun and find this empty mind clarity – it’s still quite limited. It was like a snap to realize, I can slow down and sort of freeze the mind, but with just one stumble and I am whoooosh, down on the pipe already into the good old self-limiting reactive, judgmental thinking, separated and limiting mind again. Soooo frustrating was to experience the ‘fall of man’ – I tried to define these processes, read all the literature, studies, old and new books, but rarely found genuine descriptions of what I went through. And even when I did find, I just got distracted for a while to follow up and eventually realize the flaw within those distraction paths, such as spirituality, buddhism, etc. Separation, polarity, dishonesty.

The problem was not with the stuff, neither with the dance or the path I walked, but my ‘original’ points, which I believed that I was transcending during these quite hectic years.

I ended up with the same realization as I had years before with the spiritual meditation – when I was sitting, looking at the candle, for many-many hours, relentlessly, as the meditation textbook suggesting: ‘looking at the surface of the lake, smoothing it to become still and mirror’ – or when you roll upwards a huge rock upon the mountain with the disciplined meditation, and you keep falling back but once you will be able to reach the top with the rock and you find peace and clarity’. But once I stopped these techniques, I was at the same point, it was no true, measurable, mathematically accumulative progress, maximum self-conviction.

I was giving my life into those ways, I definitely know what I am talking about when saying, I’ve been there, reached states with sober mind and experienced things ‘beyond’ – but in their nature, they were not different from drug experiences. All what extra they gave beyond the drugs was that I developed an unnatural amount of stubbornness and self-will to keep myself sitting and do nothing but quieting my mind. But even that was quite conditional and thus not truly self-realized.

But the thing is – my mind was always be so loud for a reason! Not because it’s nasty in it’s nature, but it was always telling me who I accept myself to be!

So instead of investigating those thoughts, emotions, I kept pushing them away, down, suppressing and denying to the mastery of self-deception when I was able to ‘whooosh’ shut it up – but required my full attention with all my discipline. Which was sometimes available, sometimes not. And when I was not in this discipline mode, the mind roamed free – had to – as needed to balance it out from all this extreme suppression with what I tried to change it.

All in short – no matter how much one works on changing one’s mind – it’s impossible – because it’s just a systematic reflection of my beingness.

Instead of focusing to my being, who I am, accepting and allowing myself to be – I was raging a war against my mind – – the devil, the boogeyman, the white rabbit, which was actually myself. So I was always fighting myself, often went nuclear to decimate and mutilate my mind, ending up abusing myself on mental, emotional and physical level.

The dance was a beautiful holiday from these inner wars, because the mind was quiet, I was sort of satisfied, so as one song lyrics says ‘you take a vacation from
yourself’.
—–
I kept exploring the various movements and physical expressions and even when I had the starting point as the mind – there was some enjoyment and emerging genuine physical awareness moments in those movements already.
Often at these tranceparties, me and my frends stayed until the last moment, when next day or at the end of the festival week, organizers turned off the sound system – because it had such a home experience, wherein everything is contained with the music, there is always a next beat, a melody, a synth pad flowing and waving, blooming and playing.

But the vacation was always over, and I returned home to my sober self and it felt miserable and I had to go to work, had to be with my arguing girlfriend and I just did not see actual change in my life.

It was a nice escapism era of my life although I always turned into an unstoppable flow of starting as a mild annoyance through bitter frustration into a full blown internal rage to try to break out from this mellow nightmare I existed as behind the smiling curtains…

Lol, such a dramatic wording, but this is brutal and absolute self-honesty, so no sugarcoating here.

When I had some near-death experiences, quite several ones actually, I had to stop and reconsider, as one thing I was absolutely certain with – it’s not yet time to die as I am still not free and thus my life is about to reach freedom. See – even the most innocent starting point can become subject and excuse to a total delusional mind-possession. Freedom is overrated. The only true freedom is living within absolute self-honesty. But in that time this was just not yet to be understood. So many years, unnecessarily. That’s why I compose this here, so others might do it more smarter.

I really tried to compress the amount of writing but this just came through. Dancing. Back to it.

I stopped taking psychedelics even before finding desteni self-supporting process, community and tools; as the last ones really just showed it’s acid-like characteristics to my mind, melting stuff down and remaining with nothing.

So I started to investigate a hundred other ways, methods, practices, history, cultures, books and I kept searching and looking.

One day, when I broke my leg, so could not walk, had no money, had nothing much, found Desteni Portal video, a being coming through(Jim Morrison) and he was talking about Oneness and Equality and to forgive myself. That hit really directly, immediately had the realization that this is it, it’s THE opportunity I have to grab with all of me entirely. I did not really care if this was truly ‘portalling’ JM from the ‘other side’, because I was mindblown by the words, the MESSAGE.
Noone ever talked of such words in this world, I am certain. No scriptures or allegedly holy books, teachings or schools ever mentioned the simple principle and practical common sense this message means, and still, it is one true authentic source of liveable self-honesty with the most direct approach. This I can stand with in front of the whole existence and will keep walking until it’s necessary or finding even more practical common sense.

So. I read all the available material back there about desteni, the message and the awareness tool self-forgiveness and started to write, apply this self-forgiveness as I really needed to(everyone). So many things I could not forgive myself from my past, many I did not even know about, that’s why the writing was necessary. And take responsibility for. Directly.

Throughout the last decade, I am still walking this process, this blog is one aspect of it, the courses I walk, and more relevantly, my life is what I embrace and share, committed to walk with the principle of equality and oneness within self-honesty.

Here I am today, no drugs since years, no alcohol, many things changed, but the dancing remained. More rarely, must admit, but still, at least once in two months, trying to go somewhere to have some fun moves.

See, it’s not about mind, transcendence, consciousness, nothing extraordinary, but me as physical, dancing and expressing myself as life itself.

Somewhen back, I think it was about 4 or 5 years ago, when I was already not doing drugs, I smoked weed again before one of my favorite trance performers, but the experience was very disappointing, I felt like I am not my whole body anymore, but condensed into my head and lost the overall one and equal as body experience(I guess the level I am in regarding to that in comparison to be in and as the mind constantly and using the body as a biorobot).

I had to wait on the dancefloor until the effect of the drug went away to be able to re-obtain my ability to dance.

And I was a regular smoker before, but something changed, I had to realize that I only believed that this drug supports me and turned out, not really, so the self-honesty is to let it go – and I had a bit of struggle with that for a while, sure, it’s quite stimulating, things seem to slow down a bit when stopped, but once I committed myself to stop once and for all, and stand into this bodytime awareness – Life just opened up to me so much more!

All the mind looks for is speed, energy and intensity – even if it means to fall out of sync with physical reality – can be addictive, but if someone aims progress, results and expansion – has to let go the mind completely and only use it as a tool, not as a master. And that takes time and effort to change.

One little example from my recent piano lessons – I keep practising the two hands scales up and down up and down, and after several mistakes, teacher says, I gotta slow down, focus on precision, instead of speed – and I still resist it! Because how grand it feels when I can do it fast! But sometimes I make mistakes, and then I am frustrated, doing it more, more faster, and then making more mistakes! Speed and effectiveness has to be built from the foundation, first slowly, with direction and awareness. Really the same with self than with any tools or instruments. Drugs do not help with that, I know, many take drug to fight against attention deficit or tiredness, but it always will take a toll, meaning opportunity to train and progress consistently. And that consistency is key. And if the drug sabotages my consistency being present, in sync with the physical – in dancing, playing music or simply walking or breathing – then the drug is not supporting me. Common sense. So by letting go the intensity, I can gain consistency. There is a saying ‘Walk slowly, reach further’.

See, all drug user people are blown away how much they can ‘flash’ and ‘fly’ with the experience, but the thing is, the most mind-blowing thing one can do is to constantly remain sober!

Another point for me about doing drugs at a party(or anywhere, anytime) is so limited – I am limited by the type of the drug and what effect it brings – and I can’t just turn it off, it has it’s own pre-programmed ride – and I am bound to that.

Nowadays, I can have the most ecstatic trance with sober self-direction, and in the next minute I can have casual discussion with people in clarity about anything requiring any type of focus or openness. From the dancefloor, I can walk to the car, sit in and drive to the highway and travel fast responsibly and safely.
If any sort of problem, accident or danger presents itself – I am immediately able to assess reality and support with effective and practical common sense.

I do not get exhausted by the drug experience, but by time will be tired, true, and then I go home and sleep – on next day I wake up without feeling drained or exhausted.
Many would argue, because of being sober, I do not reach such peaks and heights, intensity as they do with the drugs.

Here is the thing – I do not have to – I can be just fine without leaving my body and presence, responsibility and self-direction. Many thinks it is limitation, for me it is the liberation.

And if I feel limited about something, when finding myself on a new path – feeling awkward – which still can happen for sure – I am able to be present and see in real time, what’s the issue here, and how can I support myself to overcome this self-limitation or self-dishonesty.

I am often approached at parties when people see me dancing that they ask me if I can give them drugs, because they believe I am on something and they also want that. And I say, water – coffee, tea – and its quite a fun.

One should not need to take any drugs to have extreme amount of fun and insights, relaxation, entertainment and release – because then what happens is that I am not moving, directing, DOING those things directly, but I am using a bridge to help me to do it, and next time it will be a bit more difficult to do it by myself. So, especially with people who have tendency to have addiction, can really pick up the habit of taking drugs and that’s why it’s called “re-creational drug use”.
They keep trying to re-create the same experiences, what they defined as cool.

Over and over and over again. I did not like that, I was born to consistently expand, grow and learn, understand and explore a bit more every day.

So, dancing is part of me now, and still there is so much to learn, explore and enjoy, but it’s not needed for me to be here, to enjoy myself and be clear within myself. Just as I mentioned before, same as sex – should be an equal aspect of our lives without the mind dominating it.

And alcohol and drugs are the best food for the mind, it really grows and inflates, feeds those. That’s why it’s not really suggested to use them for those who really and truly, honestly and absolutely want to transcend their own mind-limitations. Period. There is no place for excuse or justification beyond this. Who still tries to validate a semi- or full regular drug or alcohol use yet still claiming to walk the self-liberation – it is pure self-delusion. Not me to judge at all, not everyone ‘needs’ to transcend, only who decides to and I am here to reflect in that regard.

Because once one lets go the mind – alcohol or drug has no effect whatsoever. And even that can screw with the mind by people ‘wanting just to test if they still being owned by the mind’ – it’s really slippery and one can really sink one slip at a time by defining it still being cool to end up in ten years still getting drunk and sometimes not understanding why so bitter.

Words are the keys, to decompose, re-define and live them according to no polarity of the mind, no energy, and that is a key to progress.

That is why I find this little story strong, because it’s from the point of one word – dancing – and how it started, what I defined it, how it did not support me in the longer term, thus needed to let go, re-define and nowadays, if I live the word dancing – it is not limiting, but part of my self-expression.
About drugs – I do not say you should not do it, but on the longer run, beyond trying once or twice, it is really not giving that much as walking life soberly can give. And I have many friends who still ‘push’ and ‘blow’ their mind with alcohol and drugs – it’s their decision, I do not judge, but certainly showing an example of how to live and expand without those, and if asked, I am sharing what and how I realized to be who I am today.
In this regard I find confidence and calmness within, respect and trust towards myself.

This is my process in relation to dancing and drugs, self-honesty and re-definition in a nutshell.

So that’s it for now, consider writing, every day, stabilize yourself, get back to the physical and let go the convictions and delusions one breath at a time.

Thanks, enjoy, dance and breathe as there is no next moment, fully self-honest and present as you can!

Some opening up self-forgiveness statements, if one is on similar path but would like to understand more about what’s behind the conscious mind…

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define energy and intensity as invigorating, not realizing that I am compensating in my mind, regardless of facts, physical reality, only focusing to perception, because I am feeling as god in my own mind, to do as I please, to focus to where I can experience satisfaction and release, instead of asking the question of what is the creation of the opposite points already existing within me I try to balance out, such as not being whole, inferior, missing out, not being good enough, feeling powerless, insignificant or simply confused.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the mind is a tool, a reflection of myself and the more I give permission to it from my perception, definition, judgement and decision making through blindly trusting patterns of thoughts, feelings and emotions, the more less it seems more smooth, automatic, immediate and natural and this does not mean this is who I truly am or is this an instinct I should trust or not even bothering to want to understand how and why these exist within me as personality, behavior and set of characters triggered within specific situations.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that experiences, and thus consciousness as it is only an experience, are more relevant or superior than physical facts and ending up being convinced that it is the source of myself, the nature of my being, the origin and beingness of myself, while not considering what’s always here, consistently sourcing and making it possible to be obsessed with, the physical, my flesh, the actual tangible reality here and within that obsession not even wanting to understand how and why it is my true self, equal and one with all life here, mesmerized by the spirit, the experience and only realizing it when it does not last and facing reality again and then only looking for the next trip vacation out from myself, my responsibility, my creation.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can escape from the consequences of my creation, participation and existence in life with experiences, energetic stimulation and mind-blowing chemical rituals, meanwhile not admitting the fact that the most effective way to results and solution is always practical common sense.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself to take drug and want to escape from reality and to just have fun almost senselessly, because it’s too tough, inhumane or negative altogether and hoping to seek our reach out to states wherein all makes sense, I can be liberated or exemplified from who I manifested myself to be and become as an individual and unique aspect of life in this lifetime.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pollute my expressions of words with associations, definitions, reactions, judgments, comparisons, fears, desires, emotions and all kinds of energetic experiences automatically associated and influenced in my under-conscious mind and not realizing the self-honest call to purify my words one by one to simply re-define each to live them with self-honesty, integrity and practical common sense in support of myself and all others around me equally.
  • I forgive myself that I have defined myself only being able to have fun truly at parties with alcohol and drugs, not realizing that I am re-and re-creating the same similar mind-set, experiences over and over again, almost like hypnotizing myself into a state of apparent virtual existence, wherein everything is cool, nice and great, not realizing that as the core and starting point contains negative, thus the whole card-tower is always one reaction/association/remembrance away from falling apart, which I can’t control, thus not really building true and stable confidence or self-trust here, but in a way, playing casino, gambling with my own – and my surrounded’s life within responsibility – as even if I do not admit/take responsibility – it’s always here for me, as who I am.

Just to see – how one can utilize this kind of approach to discover what I have accepted, by looking inwards, to follow the rabbit, writing down and seeing the patterns of matrix, which is everywhere, because it’s my consciousness and as I defined as who I am, do not not even consider the need or practicality of deconstructing and releasing it word by word.

Thanks again, enjoy and bye

T

Day 393 – Disruption of consistency and breathing back to reality

DSC_0245Let’s see a point of disruption within consistency

I notice a self-dishonesty ‘going down‘ – which means I am doing something which of am realizing that it’s not supporting, based on self-interest or delusion, yet I am not stopping, forgiving, re-aligning and changing that.

That disrupts the built up consistency and self-trust. In a way it even contains shame and regret. But it’s all self-manipulation, because I see the choices, I make one based on understanding the consequence, which I will judge myself about.

Within that experience, a resistance to movement will manifest. A sort of doubt, a petrification.
In a way it is a bubble of excuse to keep walking and moving and I know it will dissipate, but in a way I count on it and while this bad phases out, I do not move, push, expand and stand up but to distract, entertain and suppress myself.

This is a tough point, because relates to several self-dishonesty points I return to participate within from time to time and I do not really like that.

Various strategies I can apply towards this, the most recent is to not look back, don’t try to analize, deduct or decompose, just keep looking forward, not judge myself, but keep moving, trusting myself that eventually I will get through and over this.
In a way it’s alright, but at the same time it’s kind of a bullshit, because here is no balance of looking at the facts without judging and getting reactive to understand versus keep moving forward within self-trust.

So it is an unworded doubt I see. I do not word it, because then I would be ‘judging’ but it’s infiltrating me.

This relates to why I did not write yesterday. Let’s not misunderstand, it’s quite alright if I do not write for one day, when it’s a decision, clarity within self-honesty and acting that – but when it’s not decided, it’s like I am being triggered to do or not do something, that is a problem.

Not because I am a control-freak mind-power-junkie, but because I am aware of that there is doubt and behind it there was a choice wherein I deliberately chosen self-dishonesty to apply, even when I knew that I would regret it, because I do not really want that to do, but in the moment and of reactions, I fell into this energetic state.

Sigh. Let’s list up the points to see what would be practical approach

to list up these situations and draw the trigger point – automatic reaction – predictable action triangle to these points, so I can predict consequence within awareness without using the mind, thinking and thus automatically reacting. It’s like learning who I am today objectively. Almost like clinical observation – cause and effect. It’s quite a challenge, but that’s where Desteni I Process course, support and community helps immensely. The tools and lessons, principles and techniques really help me to slow down, ground myself and re-align.

Recently I started to apply breathing a bit more actively than before – it’s still not a natural skill, sometimes doing, sometimes forgetting – but getting to the ability to push myself into breathing and presence – out from the mind. Even if it means as a bit more heavier, intense breathing. Not quite, but at the moment explaining with – clearing my head with pushing in oxygen. Of course, not to hyper-ventillate(breath very intensely and quickly for a while), because that would probably get me psychedelic experiences, but to simply bring myself back here.
It’s something to experiment with.
I used to believe and define that I am more aware if I always breath more slowly, but the thing is – it’s really contextual.

It’s not about how I breathe, but who I am within that and am I present or lost in the mind thought-emotion-reaction maze for seconds, minutes…

Presence and self-trust, self-honesty and consistency is really something what can be broken and diminished with losing presence by falling into the mind-maze, even for a second. Accumulation of that substantiation should not be underestimated, just as the lack of it too.

Back to the first topic – it’s almost like manipulating myself to justify stop moving and trying to ‘create time’ for the positive experience I create by defining moving and expanding as difficult, thus somewhat negative.
in fact, when walking through the bullshit of my self-creation, it might seem as negative, but it’s just what is here and how I defined it, and it might as well be that it’s indeed that crap, who I accepted myself to exist as, and now just starting to face and it’s tough. That’s why I avoided to face and transcend myself in the first place.

So that’s a relevant point in process to prepare – my own bullshit will be stinky and should never be any excuse not to keep walking through it.

Many people stop walking their process of self-realization by defining it to be too hard, intense, difficult or even impossible, start justifying by injecting blame, projection or any other mind-component, and it’s obviously self-dishonest.

So walking self-forgiveness on these two relevant points now.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop moving, expanding, applying self-forgiveness, self-correction, self-commitment when I fall into a self-dishonest action by doubting myself, judging myself and feeling ashamed and projecting this self-judgement to my own process as being not good enough and not realizing that this very judgement is also self-dishonest and the practical common sense is to look at the point I fell with from presence and to apply self-forgiveness, understanding and to see how to support myself the BEST WAY POSSIBLE to prevent myself to do it again.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I do something what I see as self-dishonest, not stopping it and not standing up immediately to do all I can to prevent myself falling into justifying to chose to do it again, then I am setting myself up 100% to do it again, thus re-creating the point, the self-dishonesty and the reaction of stopping to move myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the practicality to push myself, move myself, direct myself to write down exactly the point I am facing and already knowing that I have tendency to fall into the temptation of doing it even when it’s obviously not supportive, and within that to acknowledge, there is a part of me what does not want to let this point go, does not want to change, and let go, because defining it as valuable, as myself, as feeling good and within that not realizing that it’s a mesmerizing short-term experience I try to bubble myself into, refugee myself away from the facts, reality and the responsibility waiting for me in each moments here equally.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I am holding onto within fear of loss is something literally holding me back instead of growing, expanding and birthing myself, thus it’s the best to word these fear of loss points and to see if it’s actually realistic fear or not.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose something because believing that if I would have to ‘be self-honest’ I could not enjoy myself, or I would have to refrain myself to enjoy something completely and within that not realizing that it’s not about what I do and how, but who I am within it and if something is absolutely abusive or harmful to do, then I am definitely in need to let that go and explore alternatives to express enjoyment.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the ‘guilty pleasure’ for instance falling into self-stimulation and entertainment, consuming high-sugar contained food is for a positive experience in the mind to balance out the already self-accepted negative experiences, and the practical common sense is to face and deal with those in the first place and to see if there is substance within judging myself or my reality as bad, negative and why is that and what would be the solution for that within common sense.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear of change in relation to enjoyment as it would be a transition phase from mind-stimulation to actual physical movement and expression and during that transition phase it’s not cool as walking through the consequences of self-abuse, but it is crucial to realize that this is the only way, through HERE.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disrupt my consistency of walking process when realizing that I am deliberately chosing a self-dishonest action due to the desire for indulgence to feel positive no matter what and within that not realizing that the positive experience is merely temporally and I will feel at least the same amount for negative once the stimulation stops, ending up feeling just as negative, thus longing for the next ‘positive experience fix’ within this time-loop until I really commit to stand up and change.

In regarding to this, the second point about breathing is to create and live in order to support slowing down within when the positive-negative mind-polarities would overwhelm with energetic experiences to the point of automatic actions.

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the greatest gift existing in this world to me, which is the ability to become aware and keep being aware of my breath here, thus giving up all the thoughts, feelings, emotions and reactions in the mind and stick to be constantly and consistently here, justified by the self-delusion that these things are to help and boost me, but in fact only sabotaging to walk through the shadow of me, the mirror of my beingness, the manifested consequences of my actions, the mind system, ruling me, owning and controlling me until I do not realize each and every bit of it’s details, causes and effects to be able to take responsibility to stick to true self-trust within each breath constantly.
  • When and as I am about to lose my presence, clarity and commitment to consistent action of self-honesty, I apply breathing, no matter what speed or intensity I decide, I trust myself, and I breathe, in and out, until my head is clear and empty and I can continue with expanding with self-trust.
  • When and as things seem to get complicated and I am being overwhelmed and tempted to start thinking, judging, comparing and self-defining, I breathe, in and out, here, feeling the body, presence, the physical, gravity and air and I consider what support and tool would be the best practical to apply, such as writing, communicating, planning or to do what action directly here.

Day 391 – Death as equalizer – or is it Life?

P1000400There is this saying that Death is the true equalizer of war, meaning no matter if you are poor or rich, dumb or smart, young or old – you can die in any given moment without any deus ex machina and that is especially true on the battlefield, where people’s profession, hobby and obsession is to kill each other.
It is true, regardless of wars actually – everyone will end up being in a grave(or being cremated), no matter what, so in a way – it does not really mean anything who we are, death will equalize all differences and inequalities.

What the real question here is why we even bother being obsessed to only focus on our inequalities to separate and abuse each other with, when at the end we all hit the dirt the same way anyway. Does not really make sense.
All the experiences of fancy shoes, nice cars, attractive bodies – they mean nothing on the longer term, in the bigger picture, so why everyone is in this mind-frenzy without questioning the meaning of the human condition?

What remains though is the physical consequences of our actions, that is also a true equalizer as well, let’s refer to it as equalizer of life, as it is what it is: everyone equal from the perspective of being here, more or less leaving a footprint to the future before turning into wormfood or grey ash.

I find this as the most important aspect of my life, as I often see it, the ‘human condition’ – as we are gifted with the ability to grasp cause and effect, action and consequence, yet no one really stops to the extent of becoming aware of what it truly means.

This is what I assist and support myself with when facing resistances, distractions, obsessions or even possessions in my own mind-realm, because although all my very personal experiences seem to be so overwhelming and convincing to present themselves as absolute revelation to follow as the law of my beingness in the form of thoughts, feelings and emotions – they are irrelevant to the extent of what is real, priority and true value for all life on earth.

Why? Because It does not matter what I think, what really counts is what I do. And if I keep thinking that my choice is justified to keep entertaining and distracting myself away from all the wrongdoings happening by humanity in this world, I might feel pumped enough to believe that I literally have right to choose not to do anything about all the abuse and exploitation, extermination and enslavement happening every day in the name of free choice, liberty as self-interest.

How easy is to justify that an ordinary human’s life and their every day actions are insignificant and powerless in comparison to the big systems dominating the course and fate of humanity, such as money system, military industrial complex and brainwashing education and media conglomerate being run by sociopaths, automatized by family-providing army of such ordinary people scared of losing monthly salary every day justified by their so called love for their offspring, no matter the consequences.

Each sub-system of earth’s evil conglomerate’s has it’s own role to this and everyone is equally participating, thus being responsible.

Death is indeed an equalizer here, a liberator and revealer to what really matters here, which is the physical, no mind-games or experiences can transcend facts.

The only way to stand up to this consistently fate-sealing, all-annexing inevitable death is simply to realize the even more equalizer truth, the quality what we all bear, carry and represent already, always and unconditionally – that we are life, no matter what.

Death cannot exist without life – what we all need to do is to realize the actually relevant and real aspects of our – in a way, as our current form represents and manifests it: indeed truly miserable and irrelevant existence.

investigate, investigate, investigate

each of us has this mind what play god in our head while the true god is this physical existence, true ruler of life and death, so until we listen to and being mesmerized by our mind, we literally follow a false god, because it’s not real, not here and not even remains after death.

No matter what god anyone thinks of or prays to, all are a facade, a true consequence of our misplaced trust and belief to something completely delusional and selfish.

Let’s look at the sun. Yes, The Sun. It shines, shares, glows, no condition, without it – even if it would stop doing so just for a minute, probably all life here would disrupt and utterly die, no matter what. That can be as a reference for unconditional love, it does not care, radiates everyone.

Let me quote a rainbow hippie song here, just because it’s cute.

Deep inside my heart I’ve got this –
everlasting love
It’s shining –
like the sun
It radiates on everyone

And the more that I give
The more I’ve got to give
It’s the way that I live
It’s what I’m living for

So. I am deliberately wandering away from my usual points just to make the point that when we at desteni say equality – it does not mean we all have to be the same and everyone got equal opportunities, qualities, should get the same salary and stuff. No. What equality means is that everyone equally is an individual and unique expression of life, and although there are many things what we have been manifested as different, there are more major or let’s say true aspects of ourselves what makes us quite as equals. So instead of focusing to our differences, why not to focus to our similarities.

Because if we would do that, then we would all not just realize but truly feel that there are many who do not have a chance on earth to live a life what we would like for ourselves.
And deliberately most of us do not wish that worse life to others, we still are comfortable to accept them to exist in that way.
Poverty, famine, enslavement, abuse, war, rape and murder, extinction and annihilation is the name of humanity currently. Why? Just as with the positive thinking, – what many believe it’s some sort of magic, which is not, but merely a belief system – among all the positivism and super duper thoughts and feelings, emotions – there is enough only one negative to ruin all those positive experiences.

That’s why, it’s fabulous that we have art, beauty and glamour, love and creativity, science and all sorts of achievements, but what can ruin it all is how we treat our true nature, environment, each other and the future. Future as accumulating consequences by our actions every day, hour and minute.

This is what with I encourage myself to step out from entertainment for instance – that it’s just an experience and I start questioning why I would be so distracted or obsessed with feeling good all the time, it just might not to be the case that my original state is some sort of negative?

Anybody and everybody, who needs positive actually has negative already, otherwise would not bother.

So the self-realization means to investigate our condition in the mind consciousness, which is essentially a system, and to dare to reveal, discover the source and origin of these positive and negative judgments, experiences and preferences. Debunking them becomes easy, as a skill as one walks the process of self-forgiveness, to give for myself the chance to recognize what I might be doing by mistake, fear or misunderstanding.

Death is fine by me, but if there is opportunity, I chose to greet it with an impeccable respect to life, all life, because that is how I honor death, by honoring life, which means to not accept anything less than who I really am, my potentials are. And that means work, every day, to find my limits and expand them, because what I believe as a limit, by choice or by consequence, might be self-limitation, self-imagined, thus physically manifested. And that consequence created is being shared with all.

We might experience life through our own separate mind, but in fact on physical we all share the same, that is where we are literally one and equal, so to wander our awareness and discipline, focus and responsibility away from it seems merely ignorant, deluded and completely unfair to be honest.

That’s why I recommend to walk this process, start a blog, if you fear of being judged, start an anonymous one, who cares, just walk the damn process, otherwise you might end up being the same way limited as you were last year, ten years ago, and that’s quite a shame when we age and die without truly living.

I know, depression, burnout and hopelessness, giving up and feeling unfair seems pretty convincing, but until death, there is always way to find your own individual process and standing up. And for that to ask for assistance is encouraged. One humble and curious person will always get all the support of desteni community.

When I was kind of lost and desperate, confused between all the possibilities, convictions and conspiracies of what is really going on here, on earth, I got unconditional support from desteni and with that I am standing up to and as life, and everyone can walk this if they dare to be honest with themselves.

It’s scary because the consequences what have been already manifested are massive, yet what is to realize that life always finds a way, just look at simple seeds and plants – they can grow out from impossible conditions without a doubt.

And when we suggest things such as equal money, it’s not about giving free, supporting the lazy, the abusive or going insane – it’s about being able to give what we would like to receive. There are examples here and there for glimpses of what society could give us, free health care, housing, education and support as birth right. Anyone opposing these only mean that they already got more than most of the others yet they do not wish that for them as well. Sounds strange and the reason for that can be found in their mind, convictions, personality and thoughts, feelings and emotions. That’s why the investigation is suggested.

I can’t investigate your thoughts, my neighbor’s thoughts and realize what’s self-honest, it’s your, their responsibility.
And until you, they do not do that, I am here to share the consequence of such mind what would not give as would like to receive, and that is a problem.

Yet, I can’t really judge anyone else’s process, oh hell, I should not even judge my own process, because judgement means a view of separation, polarity of the mind, thus it’s not true, not real.

I should live and show, teach and support as an example of how to stand up to self-dishonesty and how to change and align with principles of life.

Usually it is not a great thing to walk into other’s life and tell them they are full of sh*t, probably it will end up not really listening to my words, but they will listen to their own reactions and without the ability to reflect and self-investigate, I am more causing problems and distractions than providing solutions.

Yet, I can and should speak up, share and reveal, expose and explain.

There is a lot to understand about life, and death is inevitable, literally we have limited amount of days left, hours, minutes and moments left, so the common sense, the PRACTICAL common sense is to focus to manifest consequences what will leave this place a bit more better than it was when I have arrived. At least that is my calling for now.

Understanding the code of our minds, words is key, and re-definition of them can literally change the world, our own, and everone’s equally.

Enjoy breath