Back from travels.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about a relationship by only it’s existence, meaning just by the awareness of seeing someone allowing myself to get triggered with an unspecified worry based on past experiences and self-judgments instead of trusting myself unconditionally.
- I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself in a way to prevent ‘unspecified’ fear to accumulate by taking the effort to dig beyond the experience but their origin, the memory, the reaction, the judgment so then I can practically forgive myself for accepting to manifest in and as such pattern.
- I forgive myself that I have not admitted that I have trained myself not to look, specifically, not to look BEHIND an experience to fully understand how and why I feel the way I feel because accepted to exist to consistently try to minimize reactions what automatically make me doubt how I approach things and people, but within that defining a LOT of WORK what I defined to get positive reaction from when procrastinating them, thus accumulating postponement and self-compromise instead of accumulating practical self-knowledge and facing, dealing with points head-on directly.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that the lady person I am seeing would ‘fall’ into me and become clingy and dependent and totemising me and the relationship in her mind just as I used to do and within that worry not admitting that this projection I feed within me based on self-judgment of if I define in any way whatsoever, if I form a relationship with something or someone in this world then I am lost, yet not admitting that this is based on a hypothesis that once I am formed, made a connection, a judgment, a relationship, I can not go back, I can not undo, I can not let it go, because whatever I experience and judge that becomes like a short-circuited loop what exists by itself – YET
not realizing that it is me, here, in moments of self-dishonesty I accumulate, manifest and become what I participate within, THUS
realizing that whenever I REACT it is not the END but the beginning of the CHANGE I need to apply, push, birth, move and become within living self-forgiveness in real-time to STOP participating in judgments, reactions, worries, and fears.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that judging worries, reactions, fears, self-judgment only becomes something that matters if I do not self-forgive and change in real-time, if needed, every time, all the time, unconditionally until I am here unwavering.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that specificity and self-directed movements occasionally does not cut to real change because what I do in those ‘special’ moments is that I am moving in a direction, and once defining it ‘enough progress’ I do not only stop, but I let it go, even to the point of undoing the STOPping, the re-aligning and manifesting a fallback – and within that not realizing that the whole STOP and CHANGE until this moment was not really that, it was just a polarity balancing/charging, so I can bounce left and right ‘automatically’ yet in the big picture, not enough to truly breaking through, not consistent enough to substantially change, not seeing through the polarity play and stopping before the actual point of threshold to change comes.
- I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that within Process there is work and then there is rest and not realizing that within this approach I do not ever really change the patterns within me, only allowing me to fluctuate around them so then I can perceive movement, yet still within the confines of the polarity spectrum defined within and as my mind; instead of really committing to specific points I am directing to change and then applying the ’till no further no matter what’ approach to really, unconditionally, physically, ‘consistently’ STOP.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that there have been several points within me as marked as self-dishonest and have decided to stop participating within yet did not ‘dissect’ those points enough to really see what this stopping has to actually mean and during its application starting to react, wave and eventually fall by excuses and justifications to the point of almost protecting the self-dishonesty yet soothing my mind with the self-judgment of ‘when it’s time, I will put an end to it – well, not sure when, but eventually, I guess’ – and within that not catching the self-dishonesty as basically I know what I should do yet looking the other way when ‘sometimes’ I skip, thus manifesting points I do not want to bother me still existing within me.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am not being the most effective I can truly be within walking points within desteni process and stopping participating within patterns in my mind which I already have proven not to be the most supportive, just because beyond these points there lies the UNKNOWN and defined that as uncomfortable, my whole approach to the unknown itself as unpredictable thus allowing to merit a comfort from not leaving the comfort of my mind with its reactions, definitions, judgments, preoccupations.
- I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that I have fallen into self-interest wherein I lose perspective of life, others, things, and beings around me based on the reactive conversations; or by my judgments towards the reactive conversations in my head.
- I forgive myself that I have only started the re-definition and re-design of myself yet stopping doing so within the reaction I extract from the soothing experiences I take refugee within my mind just to not see what’s real here, what’s in front of me as my responsibility.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself hard when failing with something I did not want, when defining myself negatively and punishing myself for not being better – yet within that judgment, letting go the opportunity to REAL-TIME REALIGN, change, just because defining it to be too much effort, not being quickly effective for real change and also for the temptation within HOPE that this will be different this time, although I did not put the effort to make sure it’s indeed will be different this time, meaning when I know that this much work is needed yet trying to cut corners and shortcuts to an EXPERIENCE of change, which is a judgment reaction self-definition and allowing myself to be comfortable with experiences instead of physical facts.
So this is an introductory for sharpening the tool, my approach to Process. I have been on ‘vacation’ for weeks, it was also necessary for physical heal and just to see how and who I am when sometimes I apply self-forgiveness, kind of real-time, yet not being specific, almost like ‘gently trying to lead’ myself towards something hopefully less self-dishonest – instead of seeing everything here as they are and working through the self-dishonesty systematically, throughout, yet creatively, allowing myself to unconditionally trust myself.
- I forgive myself that I have defined repetition as dumb because only not so smart people would need to repeat things in order to ‘get’ them, yet when dealing with self-dishonest patterns, sometimes repetition is key, yet not realizing that what matters more is the awareness and presence, to literally ‘become faster than the mind’ – what means to slow down within enough to see when the mind moves and within that notion to immediately be and take presence and gently say and act NO, I STOP HERE.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have given up on specificity in order to soothe experiences of facing points, systems, self-dishonesty within myself – yet within specificity lies the understanding and real accumulation.
- I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to let go the radical approach of process, meaning being easy on myself when falling, reacting, just to prevent myself to judge and punish myself yet not seeing that now I have fallen to the other side of the horse so to speak, meaning I allow myself to participate within self-dishonesty sometimes, thus breaking the consistent, unconditional, committing approach in order to prevent myself to judge myself, thus indirectly trying to control my ‘environment’ instead of taking responsible direction, meaning agreeing with myself every day, this is the menu today, I choose this pattern and I work with it, there is no middle ground.
- That’s it for now. I am re-establishing my daily life. My right hand has healed a lot, now I can type this much without pain, yet taking it step by step. That is another topic for another writing.
- I commit myself to face my relationships in my mind within self-honest discipline and self-direction without middle ground, yet not allowing myself to become tempted to react with the ‘radicalness’ approach what then becomes an other way to generate the same mind energy instead of I simply stop judging myself, I stop judging my reactions, I stop judging my successes and failures through the polarity system of the self-interested mind.
- I commit myself to establish PRACTICAL self-agreement about how to continue walking Process and to also review this agreement in terms of what works and what does not and make efforts to improve.
Thanks for reading, don’t forget to write out your mind, it’s a physical action, gets one out from the limited view, bringing into this world (grounding) of what you have ‘up there’ in the clouds(in the head), so then your mind becomes empty, all these patterns are in front of you written and thus you can truly see. It’s common sense – a full(y busy) mind can not comprehend itself or it’s context, yet if I can make it empty, I can grasp more, not only about the my mind, but also everything else within and around me and thus becoming aware of. That’s the trick, well not really a trick, it requires accumulation and proper support, like Desteni I Process.
I highly recommend http://lite.desteniiprocess.com to grasp the basic tools for self-support and then heading towards the http://desteniiprocess.com to start learning the actual tools that can assist to get out from unconscious/subconscious level auto-slavery we all humans have been thrown into.