Day 394 – Dancing, drugs and re-definition

2003 dec 13 - IM @ Complex

2003 dec 13 – IM @ Complex

I rarely talk about my past when I used to experiment with psychedelic drugs. It’s so beyond me, yet in a way always part of me now.
There are various subcultures, musical scenes, literature, art and community, which I am still in touch with, because regardless I do not do the mind-blowing, there is value, potential and enjoyment within these connection points with others and myself.

It’s such a taboo topic to talk about, yet there are things to understand there, especially for those who still indulge in such activities.
Not many come forward to share their experiences, because of the witch-hunt of ‘drugs’ by most of the governments, so it really does not easy to find authentic sources of information regarding to actual self-support.

I do not really fear being judged because I did it for a while; I am certain that do not need those anymore.

Let’s focus to one particular point today, just to not blow this writing away.

Dancing. But if I speak about that, have to make a detour about drugs too as for me, one followed the another for a while.

Recently I went again to a trance party. Not to my type of trance party actually, but does not really matter. Even though the whole process I walk here with self-investigation and self-honesty, one would think that to define ‘my type’ might be limiting. And indeed it might be, but still, I can have my own personal taste and individual expression.

So, I love to dance, to move for hours with music, with others, to be dance itself! Quite an experience which definitely can be relatable to sex.

Self-expression and exploration, enjoyment and expansion. Substantiation and presence.

See – one can re-define words and to live according to that definition. So it makes sense to define with words what do not limit us.

Dancing was not always about presence and clarity, direction and self-honesty for me, but I have decided to re-align to this.

When I visited parties the first time it was more about to overwhelm and blow my mind with substances and to attain certain levels and experiences within consciousness. In a way, I am quite lucky as those experiences were literally extraordinary and have showed me that opening one tiny door can change the whole world, thus in this sense it was great.
On the other hand, I was so reckless, reactive, gullible and suspectible to experiences that the whole intensity hypersonic mind-blowing trip-ride got me by the balls so to speak.
Regardless of that my main goal was always about self-liberation and further understanding, I often sacrificed my time on the altar of pure hedonism and even within that sometimes I was able to substantiate some insights, but the fact is – although I’ve tried to raze and explode, incinerate and disintegrate my mind system as felt like it was always in the way of true exploration and liberation, I have been always setup to fail with this borderline self-destructive passion.

I really believed that by brute force I can break through all of my limitations, which I believed were mental mostly, but at times I really scratched my physical limitations with the overwhelming mind-frequency intensification, and although it felt extremely stimulating, sometimes I literally felt like touching insanity and physical death level.

One might find this ‘hobbi’ to be quite extremist and somewhat pathological, but noone can argue with the fact that in this world people are indoctrinated, controlled, freightened and quite deeply brainwashed to the tiny confines of a commonly accepted norm, which is obviously not the best for all participants here.

Billions live in extreme poverty, not being able to afford sufficient food, shelter, education and healthcare. One only can find their own existence extremely limited and imprisoned, when tries to break through the norms and limitations society binds us all into a state where war and abuse, rape and murder is justifiable.

When one tries to stand up and really wanting to make a difference, even just within themselves or just wanting to become a more effective and healthy person, can face the situation that there is something inherently wrong with our mind, behavior and thought-patterns. This indeed requires courage to admit but absolutely worth it.

That was me in a nutshell and I really got fed up with my own bullshit and for a while limitations and truly believed that the drugs will help me to liberate myself.

What I did not take into consideration was that regardless of how much I used brute force to break down my mind system, which often felt liberating, when the intensity and sort of purification energy of the drug started to fade, I always went back to the same old patterns, behaviors, reactions and justifications.

Literally regardless of all the mighty experiences I had about consciousness, white light, patterns, symbols and onneness with the whole existence in and out – they were merely glimpses of a state of being I never really understood. And of course, my own mind was always happy to throw in some grandiose hallucination to please and entertain me without admitting that this is just a play of my own imagination, I am still in my mind, just it’s melted a bit and looks/feels cool.

So what I had to realize was that no matter what I do, the mind remains mind and there is a physical limit I can’t go beyond because I kill the body. Thought this as identifying myself as a mind consciousness system. The body always felt weak, ugly, confining, miserable and limiting, so I was one of those who defined the body to be inferior to the mind and consciousness. Yet after a long while, I had to try to explore other ways to expand.

I was regularly visiting these goa trance parties in these states and it was fascinating, the loud and dominant somewhat melodic yet pleasingly stimulating vibes helped to fall into a sort of trance state wherein the thoughts were sort of suppressed and I was able to just BE sometimes.

What I always found strange that all these people dance all night, and I defined their movements to be unnecessary, in a way sort of inferior, as had the thought: why bother moving the body, to be one body, when you can expand yourself to be the whole party, or existence itself?

But something was calling with those dances, beyond the fact that all the cute ladies were dancing in the front with such a passion, meanwhile I acted like a plant somewhere in the background, just standing, looking, listening. Might even felt like an empty shell, a hollow vessel.
I was obsessed with emptiness, all I cared about to empty my mind, to be quiet, to shut it up and down, to finally experience peace.
There was so much I did not understand back then. Years passed while had to give into the realization that it’s not enough to quiet the mind, I have to move myself as well, otherwise all means nothing, just sitting my life away literally. As the playground for my explorations was the crowded loud party scene, dancing came up.

So I was convinced that with some little chemical help, I could transition into dancing more easily.

That was what I used with a decision that no matter what, this time I will dance.

It was quite a blast! I was still a mind, meaning having mind consciousness starting point, but used the body as a reference point to stabilize my beingness within, so I could ‘fly’ and basically daydream more. Often reached the limit of thirst and tiredness, but with stuff, one can reach a little bit beyond.

There were friends of mine, extraordinary dancers whom with we became one through hours of dancing and I always had the feel of an essence, a symbol to crystalize within my experiences what I believed to be helping me and I started to focus on not only the experience of but the techniques and physical details of my dancing.

I did dance with psychedelics for years and after a while I’ve noticed that I’ve became quite natural and experienced with the whole ‘dance floor, movement, behavior expression and interaction’ but in a very specific way only. I felt like machete-d myself a nice circular path in the jungle, and on that path I was enjoying myself to dance around and keep using the machete to cut down any growing plants, branches, so it remained clean and easily walkable.

But as soon as I stepped over the pre-cleaned path, it became stumbling and awkward, resisted and uncomfortable.

Example: I was approached by a lady to just socialize, and on acid, I was not the most talkative person, and all of a sudden, I was judging myself as seeing how I behave and I reacted to it – defined myself to be like an insect, very anti-typical not-human-like and I felt that although I am now able to have fun and find this empty mind clarity – it’s still quite limited. It was like a snap to realize, I can slow down and sort of freeze the mind, but with just one stumble and I am whoooosh, down on the pipe already into the good old self-limiting reactive, judgmental thinking, separated and limiting mind again. Soooo frustrating was to experience the ‘fall of man’ – I tried to define these processes, read all the literature, studies, old and new books, but rarely found genuine descriptions of what I went through. And even when I did find, I just got distracted for a while to follow up and eventually realize the flaw within those distraction paths, such as spirituality, buddhism, etc. Separation, polarity, dishonesty.

The problem was not with the stuff, neither with the dance or the path I walked, but my ‘original’ points, which I believed that I was transcending during these quite hectic years.

I ended up with the same realization as I had years before with the spiritual meditation – when I was sitting, looking at the candle, for many-many hours, relentlessly, as the meditation textbook suggesting: ‘looking at the surface of the lake, smoothing it to become still and mirror’ – or when you roll upwards a huge rock upon the mountain with the disciplined meditation, and you keep falling back but once you will be able to reach the top with the rock and you find peace and clarity’. But once I stopped these techniques, I was at the same point, it was no true, measurable, mathematically accumulative progress, maximum self-conviction.

I was giving my life into those ways, I definitely know what I am talking about when saying, I’ve been there, reached states with sober mind and experienced things ‘beyond’ – but in their nature, they were not different from drug experiences. All what extra they gave beyond the drugs was that I developed an unnatural amount of stubbornness and self-will to keep myself sitting and do nothing but quieting my mind. But even that was quite conditional and thus not truly self-realized.

But the thing is – my mind was always be so loud for a reason! Not because it’s nasty in it’s nature, but it was always telling me who I accept myself to be!

So instead of investigating those thoughts, emotions, I kept pushing them away, down, suppressing and denying to the mastery of self-deception when I was able to ‘whooosh’ shut it up – but required my full attention with all my discipline. Which was sometimes available, sometimes not. And when I was not in this discipline mode, the mind roamed free – had to – as needed to balance it out from all this extreme suppression with what I tried to change it.

All in short – no matter how much one works on changing one’s mind – it’s impossible – because it’s just a systematic reflection of my beingness.

Instead of focusing to my being, who I am, accepting and allowing myself to be – I was raging a war against my mind – – the devil, the boogeyman, the white rabbit, which was actually myself. So I was always fighting myself, often went nuclear to decimate and mutilate my mind, ending up abusing myself on mental, emotional and physical level.

The dance was a beautiful holiday from these inner wars, because the mind was quiet, I was sort of satisfied, so as one song lyrics says ‘you take a vacation from
yourself’.
—–
I kept exploring the various movements and physical expressions and even when I had the starting point as the mind – there was some enjoyment and emerging genuine physical awareness moments in those movements already.
Often at these tranceparties, me and my frends stayed until the last moment, when next day or at the end of the festival week, organizers turned off the sound system – because it had such a home experience, wherein everything is contained with the music, there is always a next beat, a melody, a synth pad flowing and waving, blooming and playing.

But the vacation was always over, and I returned home to my sober self and it felt miserable and I had to go to work, had to be with my arguing girlfriend and I just did not see actual change in my life.

It was a nice escapism era of my life although I always turned into an unstoppable flow of starting as a mild annoyance through bitter frustration into a full blown internal rage to try to break out from this mellow nightmare I existed as behind the smiling curtains…

Lol, such a dramatic wording, but this is brutal and absolute self-honesty, so no sugarcoating here.

When I had some near-death experiences, quite several ones actually, I had to stop and reconsider, as one thing I was absolutely certain with – it’s not yet time to die as I am still not free and thus my life is about to reach freedom. See – even the most innocent starting point can become subject and excuse to a total delusional mind-possession. Freedom is overrated. The only true freedom is living within absolute self-honesty. But in that time this was just not yet to be understood. So many years, unnecessarily. That’s why I compose this here, so others might do it more smarter.

I really tried to compress the amount of writing but this just came through. Dancing. Back to it.

I stopped taking psychedelics even before finding desteni self-supporting process, community and tools; as the last ones really just showed it’s acid-like characteristics to my mind, melting stuff down and remaining with nothing.

So I started to investigate a hundred other ways, methods, practices, history, cultures, books and I kept searching and looking.

One day, when I broke my leg, so could not walk, had no money, had nothing much, found Desteni Portal video, a being coming through(Jim Morrison) and he was talking about Oneness and Equality and to forgive myself. That hit really directly, immediately had the realization that this is it, it’s THE opportunity I have to grab with all of me entirely. I did not really care if this was truly ‘portalling’ JM from the ‘other side’, because I was mindblown by the words, the MESSAGE.
Noone ever talked of such words in this world, I am certain. No scriptures or allegedly holy books, teachings or schools ever mentioned the simple principle and practical common sense this message means, and still, it is one true authentic source of liveable self-honesty with the most direct approach. This I can stand with in front of the whole existence and will keep walking until it’s necessary or finding even more practical common sense.

So. I read all the available material back there about desteni, the message and the awareness tool self-forgiveness and started to write, apply this self-forgiveness as I really needed to(everyone). So many things I could not forgive myself from my past, many I did not even know about, that’s why the writing was necessary. And take responsibility for. Directly.

Throughout the last decade, I am still walking this process, this blog is one aspect of it, the courses I walk, and more relevantly, my life is what I embrace and share, committed to walk with the principle of equality and oneness within self-honesty.

Here I am today, no drugs since years, no alcohol, many things changed, but the dancing remained. More rarely, must admit, but still, at least once in two months, trying to go somewhere to have some fun moves.

See, it’s not about mind, transcendence, consciousness, nothing extraordinary, but me as physical, dancing and expressing myself as life itself.

Somewhen back, I think it was about 4 or 5 years ago, when I was already not doing drugs, I smoked weed again before one of my favorite trance performers, but the experience was very disappointing, I felt like I am not my whole body anymore, but condensed into my head and lost the overall one and equal as body experience(I guess the level I am in regarding to that in comparison to be in and as the mind constantly and using the body as a biorobot).

I had to wait on the dancefloor until the effect of the drug went away to be able to re-obtain my ability to dance.

And I was a regular smoker before, but something changed, I had to realize that I only believed that this drug supports me and turned out, not really, so the self-honesty is to let it go – and I had a bit of struggle with that for a while, sure, it’s quite stimulating, things seem to slow down a bit when stopped, but once I committed myself to stop once and for all, and stand into this bodytime awareness – Life just opened up to me so much more!

All the mind looks for is speed, energy and intensity – even if it means to fall out of sync with physical reality – can be addictive, but if someone aims progress, results and expansion – has to let go the mind completely and only use it as a tool, not as a master. And that takes time and effort to change.

One little example from my recent piano lessons – I keep practising the two hands scales up and down up and down, and after several mistakes, teacher says, I gotta slow down, focus on precision, instead of speed – and I still resist it! Because how grand it feels when I can do it fast! But sometimes I make mistakes, and then I am frustrated, doing it more, more faster, and then making more mistakes! Speed and effectiveness has to be built from the foundation, first slowly, with direction and awareness. Really the same with self than with any tools or instruments. Drugs do not help with that, I know, many take drug to fight against attention deficit or tiredness, but it always will take a toll, meaning opportunity to train and progress consistently. And that consistency is key. And if the drug sabotages my consistency being present, in sync with the physical – in dancing, playing music or simply walking or breathing – then the drug is not supporting me. Common sense. So by letting go the intensity, I can gain consistency. There is a saying ‘Walk slowly, reach further’.

See, all drug user people are blown away how much they can ‘flash’ and ‘fly’ with the experience, but the thing is, the most mind-blowing thing one can do is to constantly remain sober!

Another point for me about doing drugs at a party(or anywhere, anytime) is so limited – I am limited by the type of the drug and what effect it brings – and I can’t just turn it off, it has it’s own pre-programmed ride – and I am bound to that.

Nowadays, I can have the most ecstatic trance with sober self-direction, and in the next minute I can have casual discussion with people in clarity about anything requiring any type of focus or openness. From the dancefloor, I can walk to the car, sit in and drive to the highway and travel fast responsibly and safely.
If any sort of problem, accident or danger presents itself – I am immediately able to assess reality and support with effective and practical common sense.

I do not get exhausted by the drug experience, but by time will be tired, true, and then I go home and sleep – on next day I wake up without feeling drained or exhausted.
Many would argue, because of being sober, I do not reach such peaks and heights, intensity as they do with the drugs.

Here is the thing – I do not have to – I can be just fine without leaving my body and presence, responsibility and self-direction. Many thinks it is limitation, for me it is the liberation.

And if I feel limited about something, when finding myself on a new path – feeling awkward – which still can happen for sure – I am able to be present and see in real time, what’s the issue here, and how can I support myself to overcome this self-limitation or self-dishonesty.

I am often approached at parties when people see me dancing that they ask me if I can give them drugs, because they believe I am on something and they also want that. And I say, water – coffee, tea – and its quite a fun.

One should not need to take any drugs to have extreme amount of fun and insights, relaxation, entertainment and release – because then what happens is that I am not moving, directing, DOING those things directly, but I am using a bridge to help me to do it, and next time it will be a bit more difficult to do it by myself. So, especially with people who have tendency to have addiction, can really pick up the habit of taking drugs and that’s why it’s called “re-creational drug use”.
They keep trying to re-create the same experiences, what they defined as cool.

Over and over and over again. I did not like that, I was born to consistently expand, grow and learn, understand and explore a bit more every day.

So, dancing is part of me now, and still there is so much to learn, explore and enjoy, but it’s not needed for me to be here, to enjoy myself and be clear within myself. Just as I mentioned before, same as sex – should be an equal aspect of our lives without the mind dominating it.

And alcohol and drugs are the best food for the mind, it really grows and inflates, feeds those. That’s why it’s not really suggested to use them for those who really and truly, honestly and absolutely want to transcend their own mind-limitations. Period. There is no place for excuse or justification beyond this. Who still tries to validate a semi- or full regular drug or alcohol use yet still claiming to walk the self-liberation – it is pure self-delusion. Not me to judge at all, not everyone ‘needs’ to transcend, only who decides to and I am here to reflect in that regard.

Because once one lets go the mind – alcohol or drug has no effect whatsoever. And even that can screw with the mind by people ‘wanting just to test if they still being owned by the mind’ – it’s really slippery and one can really sink one slip at a time by defining it still being cool to end up in ten years still getting drunk and sometimes not understanding why so bitter.

Words are the keys, to decompose, re-define and live them according to no polarity of the mind, no energy, and that is a key to progress.

That is why I find this little story strong, because it’s from the point of one word – dancing – and how it started, what I defined it, how it did not support me in the longer term, thus needed to let go, re-define and nowadays, if I live the word dancing – it is not limiting, but part of my self-expression.
About drugs – I do not say you should not do it, but on the longer run, beyond trying once or twice, it is really not giving that much as walking life soberly can give. And I have many friends who still ‘push’ and ‘blow’ their mind with alcohol and drugs – it’s their decision, I do not judge, but certainly showing an example of how to live and expand without those, and if asked, I am sharing what and how I realized to be who I am today.
In this regard I find confidence and calmness within, respect and trust towards myself.

This is my process in relation to dancing and drugs, self-honesty and re-definition in a nutshell.

So that’s it for now, consider writing, every day, stabilize yourself, get back to the physical and let go the convictions and delusions one breath at a time.

Thanks, enjoy, dance and breathe as there is no next moment, fully self-honest and present as you can!

Some opening up self-forgiveness statements, if one is on similar path but would like to understand more about what’s behind the conscious mind…

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define energy and intensity as invigorating, not realizing that I am compensating in my mind, regardless of facts, physical reality, only focusing to perception, because I am feeling as god in my own mind, to do as I please, to focus to where I can experience satisfaction and release, instead of asking the question of what is the creation of the opposite points already existing within me I try to balance out, such as not being whole, inferior, missing out, not being good enough, feeling powerless, insignificant or simply confused.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the mind is a tool, a reflection of myself and the more I give permission to it from my perception, definition, judgement and decision making through blindly trusting patterns of thoughts, feelings and emotions, the more less it seems more smooth, automatic, immediate and natural and this does not mean this is who I truly am or is this an instinct I should trust or not even bothering to want to understand how and why these exist within me as personality, behavior and set of characters triggered within specific situations.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that experiences, and thus consciousness as it is only an experience, are more relevant or superior than physical facts and ending up being convinced that it is the source of myself, the nature of my being, the origin and beingness of myself, while not considering what’s always here, consistently sourcing and making it possible to be obsessed with, the physical, my flesh, the actual tangible reality here and within that obsession not even wanting to understand how and why it is my true self, equal and one with all life here, mesmerized by the spirit, the experience and only realizing it when it does not last and facing reality again and then only looking for the next trip vacation out from myself, my responsibility, my creation.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can escape from the consequences of my creation, participation and existence in life with experiences, energetic stimulation and mind-blowing chemical rituals, meanwhile not admitting the fact that the most effective way to results and solution is always practical common sense.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself to take drug and want to escape from reality and to just have fun almost senselessly, because it’s too tough, inhumane or negative altogether and hoping to seek our reach out to states wherein all makes sense, I can be liberated or exemplified from who I manifested myself to be and become as an individual and unique aspect of life in this lifetime.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pollute my expressions of words with associations, definitions, reactions, judgments, comparisons, fears, desires, emotions and all kinds of energetic experiences automatically associated and influenced in my under-conscious mind and not realizing the self-honest call to purify my words one by one to simply re-define each to live them with self-honesty, integrity and practical common sense in support of myself and all others around me equally.
  • I forgive myself that I have defined myself only being able to have fun truly at parties with alcohol and drugs, not realizing that I am re-and re-creating the same similar mind-set, experiences over and over again, almost like hypnotizing myself into a state of apparent virtual existence, wherein everything is cool, nice and great, not realizing that as the core and starting point contains negative, thus the whole card-tower is always one reaction/association/remembrance away from falling apart, which I can’t control, thus not really building true and stable confidence or self-trust here, but in a way, playing casino, gambling with my own – and my surrounded’s life within responsibility – as even if I do not admit/take responsibility – it’s always here for me, as who I am.

Just to see – how one can utilize this kind of approach to discover what I have accepted, by looking inwards, to follow the rabbit, writing down and seeing the patterns of matrix, which is everywhere, because it’s my consciousness and as I defined as who I am, do not not even consider the need or practicality of deconstructing and releasing it word by word.

Thanks again, enjoy and bye

T

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Day 370 – Daily Forgiveness and Walk

P1010668Today just generic Self-forgiveness from this point and see where I move from here.

  • I forgive myself that I have not considered the fact that reality is something what is always here, in and as the physical and if I am not aligned with it in thought, word and deed, I am living in an alternate, virtual, delusional reality and even if I convinced myself that it’s okay to shift back and forth, not realizing that the consequences I create in my separate, personal reality due to the separation experience from reality will inevitably manifest in the reality as well, just more unpredictably, thus determining my actual life to be insecure, uncertain and confusing, because I am not aware of what I actually cause and how – because if I would be, I certainly would consider to stop this madness of self-awareness and would focus to re-align with all life awareness here in and as the physical reality.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that each moment I skip breath as awareness, presence and inner silence of thoughts, feelings and emotions, I stop birthing myself into and as the physical here, thus prolonging my deluded experience of existence through and as the mind consciousness system, because even that I know that the source of the consciousness is the physical, it’s automatism is so ingrained and infested into each moment of my life, that I am being overwhelmed by reactions I did not yet decompose and realize how to prevent participating within.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the strive to do more, be faster, better and just to simply state be and feel, experience – thus pretend – to be more than who I am here today – this is causing me to always strive, be vulnerable to the patterns of insecurity and fear, causing me to skip a breath, because wanting to think the situation I am within through, in order to get by, get through – and not realizing that this abdication of responsibility only leads to time loop and manifesting more consequences, thus more reason to react again to the situation, and if starting to move towards realizing what is actually here in and as the reality, then I would be overwhelmed and would experience instability and intensified fear, thus would want to return to the more stable experience of ‘all right’-type of self-interest, as long as I can keep feeding my mind-possessions of fulfilling my self-created desires and evading to face my fears in a reasonably acceptable rate.
  • When and as I want to do more, want to be more, want to seem more, or to have, feel or experience more than what is here in my direct reality available, I stop and I allow myself to breathe, just breathe, wash away the polarity of my mind-activities and just embrace myself as inner quietness, purely physical being and move myself to directly see, directly feel, directly decide without thinking and if I can’t, then I decompose the patterns I am not aware of to be able to move about.
  • When and as I am walking, I walk here, I focus to the action, the feel, the physical, the breathing, the gravity, the air, the movement, the body, the surroundings and I allow my mind to be quiet.
    I direct myself to have a polarity-free peace while physically moving, as when I move, my mind stops.

As I physically walk, I walk through the mind, I can see the mind, I can feel the mind, but I direct myself to not participate in the mind, not react to the mind, only embracing, understanding and expanding within breathing awareness.

  • When and as I walk, let’s say the hallway at the office I work at – and I catch a little trouble in my mind, such as a thought of something I should do, I should not forget, a worry of something happened/would about to happen, I acknowledge the notion and I move forward.
    I see/realize and understand that within awareness, if I do not seize it with giving the permission and the control to the thinking mind, I can embrace just a little more and more with each breath, this is the real and tangible infinity which awaits to all humans, already today: the liberation with breath through and as understanding, forgiving and embracing the mind to see and understand beyond with practical common sense and that no one knows what’s possible as we have all been limited to our own imagination based on desires and fears we previously could imagine and got stuck with them, thus the realization is to let go all I hold onto and focus to what is here in and as the physical here.
  • When and as I worry about money, not having enough, not being able to afford, pay or sort out something financially, I realize – one breath at a time, and to structure, plan, consider – my proven best practical way is to sit down and write all to a paper/text file and do account all and without any worry influence to make the best practical decision and then plan the solution and move forward and then the end of the day/cycle, to check reality again, commitment and decision too and if required, realign, adjust, change, step back or completely stop – it’s all within self-direction without accepting fear and worry, devotion and desire, but simply as decision as who I am as living life.

Challenging point – the office does not feel physically too friendly – cold-ish, dry air, fluorescent lights – it’s temporally, but I take the challenge as something to enjoy and to see what I can do to support my body, presence and continuous realizations within this environment, what I can actually do to make sure that I can work effectively and efficiently, while considering my body, process and have fun.

Today in the office I was all day in my light jacket and big scarf – it was okay, although I had the thought that I might seem as someone is just arriving or about to leave – that made me smile, although did not really care, as I was enjoying that this gave me comfort. Also – drinking a lot of water – I am quite effective within this, and nowadays, as having the last days of the flu – still needs to hydrate more – so today one of my focus points was to drink enough water, do not feel cold and not get tired – meaning not to fall into the mind-tiredness experience.
It went well, until about 15h – and I realized that I have created the cycle of big break in this period and did not come, and I was seeing that I expect something what does not ‘come’ by itself and that relationship was like a waiting process and within that I was reacting and judging the situation and then I felt a bit of tiredness – not because of the job was exhausting or I actually got tired, but because I stopped self-directing and moving and automatically falling back to the mind-realm, where I am exposed to the needs of energy experiences.
Was fascinating to see that this realization was missing from my inventory – although in theory I knew it since years: it’s not enough to forgive and stop patterns, I actually have to fill up the void with self-movement, self-direction and self-creation in each moments equally, otherwise I stop expanding and the mind is vast, well, limited, but if I stop, I don’t see, I don’t really feel, only through the one dimension of the mind, which can just make me believe that it’s infinite, although it’s just one tiny slice of me. But definitely need to deal with it, otherwise it will always be at my nose – in the way of moving and expanding. Dealing: meaning to understand what that tiny dimension in this situation actually means and why is currently blocking my way to simply live without fear.

Even boredom and tiredness can be backtracked to fear – let’s say it’s a homework. There will be a mind-construct, a timeline of thoughts, reactions, actions and events and somewhere inbetween, one can find that honesty with self – fear. Fascinating. Within the era of human created A.I. – there is so much potential – imagine a self-honest A.I. develops an A.I.

Who said life only can be born from the organic physical? Hehe, will see…

Nonetheless, it’s our call of duty to start living without any lies to ourselves or others.

Consciousness Shift and the Death of the Physical – Life Review

Day 356 – Honesty and Reflecting to Life

aaaaa1Let’s go back to a point I am walking through, a self-dishonesty personality pattern first and then open it out to see it more deeper and broadly. Describing the problem first.

(This was revealed by support of Quantum Change Kinesiology):

Projection of (positive and/or negative) values to other in relationship.

What this shows in my personality that projecting out an idea of who the other is.
And to have the tendency to become submissive/insecure and thus misinterpret points specifically related to relationship and partner.
This is existing on unconscious/quantum mind/quantum physical level within my personality quite deeply,
in a way, a hidden type of programming exist as interpretations about partner, resulting within perceptions of a
“She is strong – I am weak” dynamics;

which then filters my perception about reality, thus supporting the personality design of experiencing, seeing, accepting and thus acting out myself as submissive and insecure.

Then I react with emotions and I am being exposed to thoughts, such as ‘I misinterpreted, I am strong, she is weak’ – and all of a sudden I am confused, uncertain, thus whatever comes, happens or whatever the other does or says, I try to adapt, embrace and accept but already not being aware of what’s real and/or relevant here..

With specific projections, to support, hide, deny and suppress this insecurity(fear, fear of loss), I make it about her and the relationship, instead of focusing back to self, Process of Self-realization – Self-investigation Self-forgiveness and Self-change.

In fact, I think that I fear of losing her, but truth is, I fear losing the relationship – within me – in relation to her, and although it’s all me, within and as me – still can’t control it, but I try regardless – thus going into inner friction, conflict and fight. Ain’t fun, this happened and had to realize, my starting point was not self-honest, I could do better.

Why falling into the mistake of become insecure/submissive through misinterpretations specifically related to partner and the relationship?
At this point I am not clear on that this fear-based behavior is always being triggered and just I became aware of it – or only within this particular relationship. Does not matter much though, it came up, I walk through and forgive and change.

My overall insecure and submissive starting point about to relationship and partner is not the core of the problem, but a result of the deeper self-acceptance on existence-level in relation to me, my mind and the world triangle/trinity relationship.

In order to face the world, I have defined – been trained, educated/ brainwashed/ lured/fallen to – my mind – and all of it’s perks (self-definitions, judgments, thoughts, feelings and emotions, energetic experiences, etc) always rely to – for interpretation and guidance. The key here is the word RELY. My mind works as a Relay between Self and World.

Thus the experience of Separation and constant strive for forming relationships.

Not only partnership, but any type of relationship with things, experiences, items, anything.
Not realizing that it’s self-created, not real, although by looking through it, what I perceive is altered, influenced, twisted and different from reality, based on the starting point of the very relationship I exist within.

The original insecurity has it’s own proof – the mind itself, within it’s essence and manifestation – the very definition of insecurity, shelling, shielding, armoring me from/in relation to and to an extent against the world – and it might sound biblical but this can be considered as an original sin – not as sin, but a starting point for a painful consequence.

With the mind – I am not directly Living, I am being programmed, triggered, systematized – for few, it’s a pleasant experience due to their programming, but most of the humans are programmed to be really limited, insecure and gullible for temptations , fear and self-interest. Although the Mind is not bad – it’s an aspect, a reflection, a mirror.

Self – Mind – Existence – all are one and equal – but Self does not move, act, feel*(experience) directly, only through the database, processing computer, ‘artificial intelligence’ of the Mind Consciousness System.

Self here is referred as an Individual Life expression, which is unique yet not separate from all of existence. Just for specifying.

There is a self-definition, a self-virtualization, a self-reflection and self-awareness system living within each and every single human being’s head, body and mind.

This is might be the point to ask what’s the problem with this, am I nuts to question, I mean everyone exists like this probably, except some weird exceptions.

What’s the problem with Self-awareness, one might ask, but the question is how it’s related to Life-awareness? Am I, as Self, being aware of how I am related to All Life, what it means and who I am within this? Can I grasp and direct myself within this context and consider all Life equally or am I consumed and lost, deluded and imprisoned into self-interest?

Within my own exploration of living, I have realized that it’s so easy to fall into thinking for instance, wherein not I am thinking, but I am being exposed to thought-processes, what cause reactions, another thoughts, emotions, feelings and probably not always cause huge problems, but the truth is that if I look at it honestly, I have no idea when it’s absolutely right and when it’s completely delusional.
Especially when facing conflict within relationship for instance. Am I making things up or the other is indeed behaving not nicely? But if I keep thinking, virtually running scenarios, desiring positive scenarios, fearing from negative consequences, I am not fully here. Just try it, keep thinking heavily, even when you induce it, while in reality, you are absent.

Why anyone would participate within such act? Why not to remain always here, to just always know what’s right, what to do, what’s next? Is it too much to aim for? Where the doubt, insecurity, worry and fear comes from?

It’s implanted, pretty much a kind of sin of our fathers, an accumulated, manifested consequence of existence, mankind and what’s been before. That’s why, even when most of the people, individual beings seem so irrelevant, powerless and out of context – within the deepest – core of their life-essence-beingness level – each and every single being within existence are equally responsible for it’s current state and it’s direction towards what’s going to happen and come next.

Genesis 11:9

“Therefore its name is called Babylon, for there the LORD confused the language of the whole earth, and from there the LORD scattered them over the face of the whole earth.”

This actually means that everyone has their own interpretation, definition of words, and they try to live up to it, and when people speak, even when they try to do within the same country-language-dialect – there is difference, creating opportunity and space for misinterpretation, argument, confusion and conflict, but mostly delusion.

This is why the Journey to Life Process is required to walk it for years, to decompose our mind, definitions, words to see which is based, related to, infested with self-interest, fear or confusion – and within it’s various forms, for instance in my own case: submissive tendency towards relying points, things, people outside of me to hide the truth that I am insecure. Weird, yet quite a revelation to really see this through and to realize the real necessity to purify myself from the very core of my being.

In the biblical quote’s sense, forgiveness is not to be begged or prayed to, but to put on those LORD shoes on and become the unification of creator, created and creation trinity myself. That’s the greatest blasphemy and redemption at once: to become responsible for all of myself directly. Not to wait, hope for or desire after a savior but literally start saving myself.

Practical common sense is shining when I realize that WORDS are the building blocks of our World, thus the blogging, the self-investigation and look into the mirror through the words we consist of.

I’ve went a bit meta on this from my own point, but it’s relevant to walk it backwards to the origin point before walking self-correction.

The origin of my insecurity is the act and consequence of my submission to my own programmed energetic mind consciousness virtual self-reflection. But how?

Within the connection of equality and oneness with the want, desire and hope for a partner, relationship – I am submitting myself into the polarity design of positive and negative, strong and weak, good and bad.

Missing myself by existing within a sub-merged, sub-routine, sub-conscious existence.

What is one of the greatest assistance is a point, what’s really missed mostly here, is the physical, actual substance aspect of existence. Meaning, anyone can carol odes about the glorious consciousness, but it is to realize that the physical is superior than the mind consciousness, and the systematic manifestation of such mind consciousness is actually superior to us, humans. Just by looking at how limited humans can be, the very definition of ‘unconscious/subconscious’ mind narrates about the fact that we are unaware of how our consciousness work in the background, thus we are literally exposed and vulnerable are to the mind, which actually depends on physical energy, provided by the human physical body.

Many claim, consciousness flies forward, transfers and transcends physical death, the tales about reincarnation and ascension comes from various religious and belief-system-based lore, what lure insecure individuals to a false-clarity which can’t be cross-referenced, verified by living humans and the dead does not speak or if they seem to, it’s all twisted and limited.

That’s why the Portal is so unique – listen to what she says – and if there is knowledge, consider it, if applicable, try it out! It’s extraordinary! Sometimes it’s so casual and sounds very simple that I do not realize that it’s the most profound practical way to solutions, because I can have tendency to complicate, overthink and overreact, while the solution is right front of me.

What’s that solution then? Back to my point – certainly not enough to only realize that I am insecure, I should not be, let’s man up and stop it!

Well, actually it might be like that if I could apply it in the actual situations, BEFORE participating, not being carried away with the habits, reactions, but for being able to do so, I really-really need to know and understand how and why I am doing it to be able to stop – actually prevent myself re-creating the same pattern in real time application.

That’s the main reason I have stopped all spiritual practices, world-perceptions, beliefs – it’s not enough to meditate, to say mantra, to sing prays, to atone sins, to beg for mercy – I really need to understand my problem’s reality to the utmost specificity.

Many claim, well, while meditating, they have these realizations, ‘AHA’-moments, I know what they mean.
But to have a practical comparison, let’s consider what actually entails to walk the Desteni I Process course, to Apply Self-forgiveness and Writing down my mind-body-beingness relationship, to WORD down the perceptions, experiences, reactions and to decompose the patterns I constitute, to for-GIVE myself an opportunity to STOP participating, PREVENTING and thus being able to re-CREATE my starting point and action. It’s very…not only logical, but it’s pure practical common sense.

I know what it means to work on that pre-cognitive, no-thinking zen-animal-kind of state of mind, perpendicular to the polarity-based thinking – (example: What is Buddha – not consciousness, not Buddha – and the student contemplates on how Buddha can be Buddha AND not Buddha at the same time without consciousness? – and it’s like a muscle – I think so much, and then I let it go and then I realize – AHA – it’s beyond thinking).

But this is a limited approach, I did this for years – what one should ask is this:
Why am I afraid to name the things as they are, what is my problem with my words?
When I believed that if I do not define, I will be free of self-definitions, but the truth is that it’s not enough not to think – I mean, yes, when I was angry and suppressed unrealistic sexual desires and I sat down, said mantra all day – meanwhile I had no anger or desire – but once I stopped the mantra and went out – all came back.

So with no-thinking I do not change what’s already programmed on physical level into my mind-body-beingness relationship, it’s automatically living – not just the conscious mind needs to be transcended, but the subconscious, unconscious, the quantum mind, the physical mind as well – and for that one must be able to see and walk the ‘Matrix’ – which has building blocks of words. That’s why when I use words and I face extreme limitations – it’s not the words limit me, but how I approach, use, define and live those words – back to the original point – through the mind, not directly.

If I compare being able to word, describe and understand how I operate to for instance with to sit within meditation(say ‘om…’ mantra and let’s say imagining buddhas helping me or some consciousness liquid they flow into me to purify me or imagine floating energy balls along my spine or just simply imagining a lake’s surface becoming smooth and still) – it becomes obvious that words are the most direct way to understand and if I can’t apply them, that is my already existing limitation, which – also can be solved by investigating and decomposing, re-defining my own words.

So those ‘spiritual’ approaches are kind of cool and fun discipline and focus-practices, but if I look at my real world problem right now, about relationship, about financial points, about insecurity, about anything, what makes more sense? To describe the problems in order to be able to understand it or to close my eyes, go into a mental cave and imagine my spirit animal healing me?

It’s a choice, I get it, I’ve been there, it’s so tempting and vivid and really fascinating, but the truth is, my dearest, yet most brutal self-honesty about the years I’ve spent with these spiritual self-trixteries is that I was distracting, suppressing and escaping myself from directly facing my problems, myself and thus the solutions, because I need to change, and that’s scary, because beyond change there is Unknown. Even to fear to lose my limitations can be scary as ‘What if it will be worse than now?’

That’s why often people start applying Desteni and letting go all those things, when they hit rock bottom really hard. When you lose everything you are able to do anything.

And within this, the another brutal realization is that I already lost my integrity, self-honesty, absolute self-trust, that’s why I am not applying the most direct, practical ways to solve problems. And that’s tough, but the art and enjoyment, courage and effectiveness comes by not judging, punishing, shaming myself to petrification by looking what I have done and became – but to simply start accumulating understanding and action to stop, forgive and change.

I don’t mean to be rude with any spiritual people(in particular: Buddhist – just I personally participated within that for years, thus sharing my realizations), but it’s tough – to admit that there might be more effective way and I almost like wasted years – this realization can only come by becoming brutally honest with myself with asking – how much I am effectively dealing with problems with these things I participate within – is there any belief, hope I rely to, which is not Self Directly Here?

Effectiveness is important – our time here is not endless, no rush, but certainly the amount of progress should not be disregarded. That’s why needs to be measurable somehow. To accumulate something substantial, not just the amount of mantras I did, but the actual realizations, actions, changes.

And it’s crucial to answer honestly, because if I allow the luxury to lie about this – I will manifest consequences to show me equal and one of what I accept and allow. And that might include others too – and best cure is the prevention, to learn by realization, not by consequence with applying practical common sense.

I did not really learn like that in relation to partnership, thus I have manifested consequences, what were not the coolest, I must admit, but it’s also important not to stop by fear of mistakes, because it’s another self-honesty point to carefully decide, when shall I allow myself to make mistakes and learn the hard way, because it’s still better than not moving, expanding, learning and changing.

So, I will continue with decomposing these points. By writing down, I already create opportunity and direction to change and become able to draft a practical approach on how to live that, thus I can continue with that.

I might not always work on myself, sometimes I relax too, or get tired, sick or simply need to make money for surviving, but it’s always cool to find time and opportunity to understand more. I have even got accused that I only care about myself and how much I can talk about myself only. It’s not fun, I must admit, especially when revealing, exposing, even sharing these ‘flaws’ – but it’s encouraging to commit myself to fully understand and stop these patterns, thus change myself.

But the more I reveal, the more I see work to be done and it is my job to purify myself, there will be nobody who would do this for me. It is encouraging to see the Journey to Life social network groups, pages, where others share their blogs, vlogs, realizations, dishonesties and they also work to become more effective, liveable and enjoyable.

I often listen EQAFE audio interviews about understanding more about the mind, life and existence and if I make notes, it’s so easy to find points within to continue perfecting myself – yet keep balancing it with ‘going out there’ and living.

So, what I want to say is that I suggest everyone to have a notebook and start writing down points, realizations and things to open up when will have the opportunity, direction and commitment to stop a self-dishonest pattern.

And there is something unique within daring to share these realizations with the world – it’s an integrity and self-trust point: Yes, I admit, I have been living self-dishonestly, but I commit myself to stop and change, and I encourage everyone to do the same. And I do not hide the points I walk through, no secret mind, no protecting my weaknesses, I expose them, so can focus to solutions. And of course anyone see flaws, misunderstandings within my approach, please drop a feedback, I might miss something – that’s another great point about sharing – I might assist or encourage others, or someone also could support me within seeing more clearly.

Thank you very much

Day 317 – Controversial topics

controvThese are what they are, with the centralized mass-media, the unofficial and controversial information sources have been spread.

What is true, what is fake? This is now every day’s conversation. The information-era is at it’s perils.

It’s interesting to see that everyone has beliefs, opinions, judgements, and if anyone does not have, share, to persuade or trying to protect those, or does not care, then they are also being judged by others as sheep or blind followers of the enslavement system.
But the interesting part is that those who are quiet, it’s not that they do not have beliefs, opinions, judgements, but on top of those beliefs, they have a specific set of convictions about why they should not share and care to enter into this meme-war of consciousness of what’s right or true or real.

Because from a point, it literally becomes war, not only in the people’s minds, but on the actual fields and seas, sons of mothers go against each other, just because they have the belief of this is why is worthy to kill and die for. Pure insanity.

That’s why the internal conflicts, battles, frictions within our own mind never should be underestimated, because that is exactly what accepts and justifies external conflicts and wars, destruction and abuse in the world too.

An example: “I hate that I was so shy with this girl, I have missed the opportunity to ask her out, I am so fool, I HATE when I am like this.”

In this example I am actually being distracted with the emotional energy coming from the negative self-judgement, not focusing to the possible actual solution – to ask, why I was shy and coward and not stopping with that answer of :”Because it’s risky, I can screw this up and then I am done, she would never consider me as a potential partner.”
Then, to be able to see beyond this excuse is crucial: to see that I am afraid to lose something I give value to so much that actually I am being distracted and handicapped while doing it by the overwhelming vivid imagination of me failing in this, with her.

The willingness and actual, practical ability to be self-honest is the most important thing in life, I am certain, because without it, I am lost, untrustworthy and being exposed to the elements of all experiences, conditions in the world without being able to really understand, to change within.
Blame, projection, anger pointed to others, the world is being accepted and allowed as a hellhole for the majority, meanwhile if I would be honest to myself, I could directly see by approaching the levels of self-deception to discover how and why exactly I am responsible for what I experience, for what I conclude, for what I accept and allow and also for what I do.

So, here comes in the point of controversial topics, because it is also now all over the world, so many crazy ideas about what happened here and there, what is going on or how things do really work.

Controversial topics are actually cool, because within that I can have a reflection of who I am, what do I accept according to peer pressure of social acceptance and what is commonly believed to be true, what is actually proven, what I can prove for myself and what I have to actually walk through, work on and find out myself to be able to decide of whether it is real or made up.
And within that to also see how relevant the point is in my life, my neighbors life, all life’s perspective currently and in the long term as well.

In the current bank-debt-funded predatory capitalist system, where profit, revenue and income is the most important factor within pursuing safety, health and enjoyment, it is also an opportunity to deceive others for it.

And often, even the apparently ‘innocent’ ones are also causing irreversible and horrible consequences.
To persuade someone for a face creme to prevent aging for women might not seem as damaging, but if we can realize how exactly it’s being made, that it’s being tested on animals, if it’s factory keeping workers on sweatshop/slave level, if to see that the CEO of the 10.000 personnel company earns 10 percent of all the revenue, then I might consider that it’s not the best it could be.

I guess, it’s not that controversial as can be, let’s pick another one: vaccinations.
It’s also a heated discussion between parents, especially who had bad or horrible consequences by using these, often even compulsory treatments for children. Here and there some scientist appears trying to prove correlation between brain dysfunction and poisonous ingredients of vaccinations, then often people are being ridiculed when starting to question the authority, the corporations, the government.

As long as it’s a capitalist profit-oriented, revenue-hungry corporation funds, fabricates, persuades and sells these vaccinations, it is obviously questionable and when the whole process is not shared and being 100% transparent to the consumers, then it’s natural to want to know more about it, to see more research results.

There might be some really scary dark conspiracies in the background, but to gossipmonger all over – it’s bad and does not support any possible solution.

Mostly there is simple explanation: the fear relating to not survive in capitalism, greed; the never ending conquest for more and more profit drives people over common sense, beyond compassion and under dignity to the mind-state of superiority, justifying with principles like ‘survival of the fittest’, but those individuals are totally incapable of being self-honest to question their belief systems, to answer their self-dishonesty, thus not only becoming lost within their own realm of consciousness, but causing massive amount of abuse in the real world, what is being shared with everyone else.

Poisoning natural water sources, covering it up, marketing sickening products without warning, bribing their way out of it, fabricating casus belli and driving whole countries to war: it’s every day’s reality and anyone who accepts and justifies it with sentences like ‘This is us, human nature’, they are also part of the problem, not only the person who gives the orders to execute those atrocities every day.

I also have been ridiculed many times when bringing up a controversial topic, just because the TV does say that it’s conspiracy theory, because some things, if those would be really real, people would have to realize that their own version of reality is a delusion, which is difficult to give up, because that means they have invested maybe even decades into something what was almost completely a waste of time.

I do not think there is real evil, which would fight good and want to destroy, like in the tales – that’s existing only in the mind, polarity – a symbol of our own separation for LIFE itself, because there is no good without bad, no matter how GOOD I become, there will always will be BAD, because it’s all relative, make-belief. To balance out positivity taking all over, which would be also totally impractical, negativity appears. What we see in the world, it always reflects back to our own mind and vice versa.

That’s why it’s imperative to have a willingness and actual ability to investigate and sort out my own beliefs, judgements, delusions, because that is how I really discover myself and the world, that’s how I decide what’s real and what is bullshit.

We like it or not, there are a LOT of things humans in general do not yet comprehend in this world.

Remnants of ancient civilizations – total mystery, people have ideas and beliefs about what happened, but there are so many – and most people ignore these, because there is no ‘mainstream opinion/proof’, so until that it’s just controversial. Someone else to figure it out. Or based on some interest, promote something, what’s maybe real.

How much those things are really relevant in my own individual life, process of self-honesty? That’s the practical question one has to answer as well.

Or the flat-earthers, they are consistently sharing these articles and videos to prove why the earth is flat, the sun is very close and they are obviously pissed off that nobody believes them, they feel cheated, lied to and humiliated with the world, the system, the government, science, because they feel they know the truth and most people don’t or don’t care. How much that is relevant?
Unless I am working with satellites, weather, or within the hello: ‘space’ industry; how much of my every day life is influenced by the possibility that earth is not a sphere-like space rock, but something else?

I had my own crusades about several of so called controversial topics, according to drugs and spirituality, because when one day I’ve realized that how I lived, what to I’ve built my experiences, culture and personality – it was based on self-deception, thus I had to let it go. For some it’s more difficult to give up, to acknowledge that ‘I was wrong’. For me it is no problem if I was wrong, but right now to be wrong with the knowledge that it might not be real, relevant or common sense, that would be more self-dishonest than to just change.

When with desteni support I was able to figure out myself of how I was deceiving myself with the spirituality and drugs, I’ve felt compelled to expose all the gurus and masters, anything relating to mantras and chakras as total distraction.

Because it did not work for me.
Because I’ve realized that my starting point with them was self-dishonest, therefore I assumed that anyone and everyone participating within spirituality are equally self-deceivers by default.

Maybe not, maybe yes, I do not know that for certain, but the methods, the symbolism: for me it’s obvious how and why it’s flawed, I understand it now, I can word and explain it, I can see the points where I’ve recouped it with hopes, beliefs – therefore I am not interested in participating in these things at all. Also I have responsibility to share my realizations, because that might support others too realize the same mistakes I’ve made.

And it’s quite tricky, because if someone repeats mantras for hours, of course it will have an effect, accumulating energy, expectation, the sound vibration, the set and setting becomes also relevant. But it’s like trying to have a medical operation of my eyes through my bottom(from the silly movie parody called Hot Shots, they call it multiopiloptomy).
Especially tricky if I do not understand how my mind’s energy-house-holding works – I might just feed my mind with energy to be able to balance shit out and I feel more calm, but under the carpet, still the same, I do not have to radically change, to face my self-dishonesties directly, for instance addictions, not taking responsibility, being untrustworthy for myself and my partner or my boss, to make actual difference in the world, no, I just have to repeat 111.111 mantras and it will have effect, good karma and while doing it I will have insights.
For me this is now not direct and honest enough.

I’d rather ask myself and answer directly about things, points, problems, solutions. No need for magical vibrations, I have voice, I have words already. That I am here to live.

When I go to a shop, I don’t use mantra to get food, I use words. When I communicate with my partner on solving a conflict, I use words again, and if I want to stand out in front of the crowd to share support on how to transcend the mind, again and eventually always: I use words. So why not work with that directly? Common sense.

When I actually do something, I do it with my human physical body, so it’s also common sense to make it home, my starting point, my temple, my presence – without allowing interference from my mind of fear, of overwhelming and distracting emotions, regardless of positive or negative, which is just relative to my own interest, even if it’s projected onto something or someone, it’s still MY interest. But who I am is not just me, but equally is in the rest too. So it’s also common sense to consider all participants of the given system as equals, thus manifesting what is best for all. But it’s going to be damn difficult if I rely to spiritual practices and energetic experiences to ground myself and become consistent and constant within my direction and presence. Rather write down the words, investigate the words, let go of not supporting definitions, associations of words, re-define words and live them directly, so then no need to doubt, fear, complicate or judge, just directly live.

Maybe there was a time in world history when chakras and these spiritual things did have more effect on reality, the minds, but nowadays it’s just through the mind consciousness system, people’s beliefs, convictions, self-persuasions.

That is what I have investigated, tested, realized, lived. But I would not want to persuade anyone that I am right or others are not. Time will tell everything. Manifested consequences too. As Bernard Poolman stated:

There is no such thing as truth, only denial of what is here.

I went into more details with this point to share that how I take on practical approach with common sense on a point, instead of feelings and reactions. But the same principle can be applied to other controversial – or in fact any kind of topic.

I only can share as much as I can about my process, what I have experienced, seen, realized and why – then if anyone has better angle, then share it with me, I am absolutely open for re-evaluating my entire life. And everyone should be.

Another controversial topic to reflect back on self-leadership – writing some details so some conspiring dudes or dudettes can relate with: Investigating 9/11 was an inside job or it’s a hoax, was there aeroplane hijacking or planned demolition, temperature of the airplane fuel versus the melting point of reinforced steel or mossad agents versus found saudi passports – those the points people can argue about and it’s never ending. What that actually would imply about ‘our own’ – in fact USA – government is terrifying about how far leadership can justify to go in order to follow their agenda, to keep balance of their insanely unbalanced budget, the mysterious disappearance of massive amount of money. The downstream total destruction of an other country, accusations of weapons of mass destructions, oil industry, weapon industry, drug industry, media industry, we like it or not, these questions are maybe relevant.

And if I investigate from SELF – I can ask – why is there leadership, why there are people not wanting to be responsible, why need control, anarchy, war or peace, what those actually mean versus what I think or feel about.
How am I not living my potential, not living LEADERSHIP as I could be, how I am following, obeying, expecting and accepting instead of initiating, directing, planning, anticipating, moving? That is where I should start, not blaming the president or the banks. If I do not like it, I should show a better way, I should be part of the solution, I should join politics then and change by living as an example of my definition of good. That’s self-honest. That is the way forward. Not protesting and burning cars on street, whistling at public speeches or trolling and cursing online. Anyone does that – stating the obvious – they accept their powerlessness. But it’s still way to change, starting self here:

What’s relevant here for me in my real life is to reflect these kind of events back to self:

What is terror in my own life, how am I terrorizing myself, my environment and family, what is my own mind-authority and how and when and why it steps in to simply overrule another initiative within me, for instance having an idea about helping that weak man on the road, but then I would think, “What my cool and rich friends would think of me, and anyway I might become dirty while helping him, and he is maybe stinky as well, and anyway, he already survived up to this day, he will be fine, I do not have change, only using credit card”.

Not saying that to give some coins would actually make the world to a better place, but if I have these inner dialogues/frictions, that’s also my responsibility to unify myself about, not accepting any conflict of opposing interests.
It is maybe difficult to have absolute clarity about something, but this should not mean we just give it up – but then I have to be able to change, when I see that I was wrong.

And once I am able to see through my own internal battles, when I am not going into emotional war within when being triggered with a more intense experience, news, condition, but I can stand within clarity, being able to question everything I think, feel, say and do, then I am becoming able to stop self-dishonest patterns I discover, then I can also stop acting/living out those self-dishonesties and change becomes reality.

But if I have these emotional storms, reactions, anger, jealousy, fear, insecurity issues WHILE full blown ‘investigating’ these controversial topics, I might just find what I want to be found, I might bend the information to my own distorted perception.

Instead of judging wars in the world and get emotional, angry or sad, to ask myself – how I am waging war within myself in the first place? What do I resist, fight, want to win, dominate, eradicate, exterminate within with force?
That’s why SELF process is first, not because selfishness is the way – it’s the exact opposite actually. I take responsibility and it can only start with self, otherwise anything else I try to accomplish will be biased with the already accepted and allowed self-dishonesty within.

Self-forgiveness is an awesome self-supporting tool, which is simple, direct and free process to apply.

It encourages to become detail-oriented, by writing/typing it, I slow down, thus emotions do not tend to overwhelm that quickly.
Also supports with humility, to see, that in a simple conversation how many self-dishonesty I can accept, so then I understand that it’s pointless to blame anyone, but to ensure first that I stand within clarity and no influence of any fear, blame or anger.

I dare to give myself a chance, and many state that it’s not their way, style, method – I also never would have thought that this is what I am going to apply for years – this can be more tough sometimes, when realizing some nasty shit within me I covered up with excuses and thus failing with something constantly, but that’s also an indication that I am walking through resistances, limitations.

Also I’ve shouted wolf so many times about what’s real, what’s the solution, the source of best coolness in the world with various methods, groups, techniques, but Self-forgiveness is the most awesome and effective awareness tool I’ve ever encountered and this is what I stand for since almost ten years and still so much to learn and unlearn, discover and change.

At EQAFE, I was able to listen through a LOT of controversial topics, as its being explained in a style, which is like just listening to someone sitting near to me and it’s mind-blowing and also liberating, not only to understand things I always wanted to know, but when I try to apply those supporting points I’ve heard, no matter the topic, I can.

Thus I strongly recommend to check out EQAFE for a new type of library of understanding. https://eqafe.com

For trying out, understanding Self-forgiveness, the mind, consciousness, thoughts, emotions, and how to deal with those and take responsibility for: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 299 From Movies to Transcend Consciousness

img_0679Recently watched some great movies and reflecting back to the systematic nature of Consciousness and how is possible to understand how the human mind works in order to assist and support ourselves with practical change.

First watched the In the Mouth of Madness (1994), then The Manchurian candidate(2004).

Different type, genre and style – yet for me shown the same aspect about human consciousness. I’d suggest to watch both, although the first one is rather a comedy/gory horror/philosophical train ride, the second is a slower, more like peeling off, investigative, conspiracy-related story line, but within both movie, the protagonists recognize that they have been used as a tool within somebody else’s plan who was altering their mind consciousness, utterly and brutally. No more spoilers.

How to create/alter/re-write history/reality/future and how consciousness is actually operating as a system?
Or shall I rephrase to say consciousness is an operating system for the human? Although it’s quite mesmerizing and has deep-ends, it certainly is limited bluntly and when one is awakening, rather painfully, but it is only then to be realized how limited it is;  not just when one is talking smart, streetwise or rephrasing the spiritual mumbo-lingo, but to walk it into and as the physical as the living flesh.

Or all these zombie movies with the walking and re-animated dead…or all those cheesy vampire stories, wherein they are even the good guys, the ones to find as desirable, hot – I mean in this system Everything is a Symbol.
The question is am I asking questions? Am I answering too?

It’s all related to the human mind’s condition, which is within it’s programmability. That’s why we are susceptible to ‘mind control’ and ‘brainwashing’, ‘culture’ and ‘imprinting’, just pick any desire from ‘deep within’ and go out there and try to attain it – or to sneak around our un-worded, background-lurking secret fears what we cannot comprehend, face or even acknowledge.

Human nature is nothing but long and consistent accumulation of pre-conditioning, ‘guided meditation’, ‘group trance’, and a lot of powerlessness, thus spiced up with a lot of survival instinct and fear.

If I look at poor family’s children, their lack of vocabulary, the underdeveloped writing and communication skills in fact determine their actual possibilities to venture in the world system and become so to speak ‘successful’, meaning not becoming grinded into survival and fight for material or even spiritual goals, such as house, car, travel; or overcoming anxiety, shame, phobias and to find inner balance, stability and trust and to live beyond survival and self-interest to actually being able to give back real value to the system.

There are few, who get more rich or find peace emerging from the poor, but it is rare, almost random and one might just say it’s neo-darwinism, as now it’s not about who can kill more and faster, but who can adapt faster and easier into a system of deception, layers of superimposed facades and glimpses of what life could be without compromises, but beyond each of consciousness character, there is vast and lacking emptiness, which to fill, consciousness itself has just a handful, yet powerful tricks and tips at it’s – and thus our – disposal: belief, blame, greed, fear of loss.

Most of the people who claim themselves to be in the ‘awakening state’ praise, eulogize and celebrate consciousness, although it’s quite a cheap trick and it’s nothing more but an elaborate con. Science will show us soon when will starts to pump out more and more ‘environment-and self-aware’ Artificial Intelligence units, such as robots, interfaces, whole systems, what eventually will be designing their own next generation with their superior mathematical and virtualization power and they will analyze, reproduce and evolve how we are built and then everyone will see that consciousness is certainly NOT Life.

It tries to imitate it as close as possible, and definitely can fool the not yet life-aware individual manifestations and expressions of One Life ‘itself’, but to trust in consciousness is really the worst advocate a human can find, because it’s nature is CON itself, therefore it only reflects back our lack of self-trust, self-knowledge, self-honoring and the very experience of being separated from our own life-source as awareness of all what is here in and as existence. Consciousness cannot exist without relationships, and the very points of relationship is which through we are defined, owned, limited. It’s a system.

I used to wonder what movies I really-really like, and just now I realized that the ones what can glimpse up a little more of how consciousness works, it almost ‘feels like’ itself is trying to show us what we are accepting and allowing to be enslaved by.

But only those who really look can see.

The saying of ‘Nothing is what it seems.‘ – or to remain in the ‘movie‘ style – ‘The owls aren’t what they seem.‘.

How to walk through the maze of consciousness and what are those building blocks of it?

I tell a little back story of mine, from where I started to question my own existence…

When I finished university, I was lucky to have a psychologist partner, who was quite open to not only mainstream psychological models and views, but also to more ‘fringe at that time’ ones, such as works of Carl Jung and Andras Feldmar – these two have influenced me to start on my own journey to discover what is beyond my personality, which was extremely frustrating and limited, when I was about 20 years old.

Jung talked about the layers of the human mind, such as unconscious, subconscious, conscious minds and how we are only aware of the conscious mind, yet the other two also influence, direct us, much-much more than we want to acknowledge and understand, and I had an openness to this view since quite early of my own awakening process, often I felt myself to be quite instinct-based being, who had many times experienced life like an animal. It’s a weird comparison, but often I felt myself like that, I was raw and wild within, yet I was able to suppress it, so I could act the nice guy to comply my fear of rejection and failure, but within how I experienced was that beyond my conscious mind, there was some more primal and direct force what was basically pulling the strings within my life and I had no idea how and why.

Feldmar talked about mind-altering substances with which one can have a specific experience of mind-death, from which one can release all what to humans holding onto, such as all kinds of fears, desires, struggles, definitions as in the perception of death, one kind of gives up all, because it’s a total release/explosion/melting down experience and with that he suggested that one can start to investigate what’s beyond the conscious mind who we perceive ourselves to be.

I became quite obsessed with studying the mind according to things currently available at libraries, slowly but surely moving towards eastern and older-culture-based views, practices, in order to explore the whole spectrum of humanity’s available knowledge and information to be able to have deeper understanding and preferably also to find reasons and purpose for my existence. I even tried to find gurus and masters to tell me what to do but that usually did not work, especially when I considered that until I can’t rely to myself – I am still vulnerable to external control, limitation, and I had to ensure that there is a starting point from which I can take my life to my own hands, not to be dependent.

As I was peeling off the layers of my culture, the morality, the inhibition and suppression, I had to realize that there is nothing within me, what cannot be decomposed, understood and released within my perception of who I am or why I do what I do. The constant quest I was on was: WHY? This very thing can help to tumble down to the rabbit hole totally – there is no need any meditation, substance or any altered state – but the decision and application of self-honesty.

I am also going to give an example of how to walk through a pattern within the mind with simply questioning and answering. Many people claim that they need special knowledge, empowerment, mind-altering substance, years of eastern mysticism or shamanic/religious/trance rituals to perform in order to know, be empowered with or understand a more, deeper level of how reality actually works.

That’s not true, actually it’s quite the opposite – the more someone indulges into these kind of agendas, the merrier these will influence and alter the person’s perception and even the starting point and it’s tricky, because most of them contain some relevance to facts, but only partially – and I have made the mistake of wanting to gather the ‘truth’ from all of them to put together – it’s too tedious, exhausting and quite unnecessary to do so. Not even mentioning that when I recognize my flawed/self-dishonest acceptance of myself – how could I trust myself to recognize what’s relevant/good within what? First I have to purify and decompose to have to ensure the purity and effectiveness of letting go patterns of self-limitations.

To transcend, we do not need any technology/religion/spirituality – only self-honesty and to be able to question + answer and forgive for ourselves our accepted mistakes, meaning not to regret, but to understand the consequences, to recognize the tendency before participating, preventing and giving space and time to something new and also the commitment to stop those mistakes, fears, delusions and finding practical ways to actually become that forgiveness, that commitment, that living action. It’s as simple as 1+1=2.

Forgiveness is not just to turn a blind eye on something bad/unjust/selfish/evil – it does not make any sense if it’s not really lived into action – that’s why forgiving to others does not make much sense either if the person does not change – they have to forgive for themselves. The same way with my own self-dishonesty – fear is self-dishonesty. Self-interest is self-dishonesty, because it’s also based on fear of loss, although it does not mean to sacrifice myself with no reason. Self-honesty is also practical common sense…

img_6035So for a relevant point for myself today:
I don’t feel like continuing with my video making.
Why?
I feel like it’s a waste of time.
Why?
I think it’s not going to be that good that I would define as worthy.
Why?
I think I imagined perfectly, but turns out that it will be mediocre.
Why?
Because I’ve defined this, because of this and that, to be mediocre.
Why?
Because I’ve used previously seen artworks, movies, I’ve seen in TV, VHS, Cinemas.
Why?
Because I’ve defined that is quality and that I wanted to be able to create.
Why?
Because I want to become successful and respected.
Why?

Because I have to prove to myself and the world that I am good enough.
Why?
Because I grew up with the fear that I am not good enough.
Why?
Because I have experienced falls and failures during my childhood what felt horrible and could not let it go.
Why?
Because I’ve created a system within me what charges energy when feeling bad, shit, horrible and that fuels a motivation to become better.
Why?
Because I do not want to fail again, it’s so horrible, I have to work hard to avoid it.
Why?
Because I experience negative things and I become influenced by negative things, the way I do not like it.
Why?
Because I start defining myself according to what and how I experience.
Why?
Because I identified myself with what I experience in my mind according to what I define and judge automatically.
Why?
Because I have this separation in my mind which through I can polarize as positive or negative based on my interest in regarding to all my judgments and memories.
Why?
Because this way I can apparently use the past to not make the mistakes again in the future.
Why?
Because I fear from making mistakes, thus rather not even move to avoid it at all costs.
Why?
Because I fear that I can’t change and expand, thus I have to avoid specific experiences/conditions/situations to keep my mind-state to not be faced with the inability to change.
Why?
Because then I become frustrated and by I focus to the frustration and not even looking it’s source anymore, so basically become distracted by the reaction and not seeing the point.
Why?
Because then I do not see the problem directly, thus not even being capable of solving it, thus I can remain ‘hiding’ behind false resistances.
Why?
Because I have experiences and memories when tried to push through resistances and I given up.
Why?
Because I started to lose the stability of what I’ve defined as my mind, and without that I was becoming more uncertain.
Why?
Because I did not give direction to myself, thus I was exposed to random things and I felt myself being unstable, and not realized that what I experience as polarity system of stability/instability – is not me, but my mind system, and then as I identified myself with it, I started to protect it by justifications and excuses, why I give up freedom from conditioning.
Why?
Because then I do not have to be aware of the exact point I justify being resisted to, I still can be ignorant.
Why?
Because I fear from unknown, because then I will not have any judgment, memory, polarity, definition, rule, idea to help me to face it, I would be totally vulnerable, naked and that is scary.
Why?
Because I could lose myself, I could lose things I hold onto.
Why?
Because I do not know what will happen and I fear from that.
Why?
Because within facing the unknown, I would face with myself and that scares me.
Why?
Because I do not want to face and experience and know myself without any extra layer.
Why?
Because I fear from realizing who I am here, what I have became, what I would experience or do.
Why?
Because I do not trust myself.
And this can be continued – see – there is no need to pray for gods for years, to say mantras for months, to dance in trance for a day, to take psychedelic drugs for hours to go deeper into my mind, to find understanding, reality itself. I mean, one can do these for fun or exploration, but for self-realization, self-support, self-growth, self-liberation, certainly not.

Although personally I’ve made the decision to not continue with those, once found self-honest writing and self-forgiveness this powerful for real change – as it’s very direct: I only have to honestly question and answer to myself. No gurus, teachings, imaginary friends, other worlds relevant – there could be cool stories about what might have been, but what’s relevant is what is here in my current here and present moment. Always. Sometimes I still dance to trance music, but just for self-expression, no expectation, no drugs, no alcohol, but physical presence. But even in relation to that I had to walk through a decomposition phase and let go all the concepts in my mind what stood in the way of being really present on the dance floor. Why I want to intensify? Why I want to ‘get through’, Why exactly is not good currently? What do I experience? How it’s being triggered? What do I resist? What do I fear?

That’s why kids also ask ‘Why?‘ – and we get fed up and stop answering – and maybe at the exact same point where our resistances/fears stopped us to explore further. Of course one parent can say: ‘just being annoyed and don’t have time for this/feeling tired/busy‘ – but if really that is the case, one should reconsider and start using the opportunity to walk this process with the child to ask and answer – this way also teaching by example…

That is challenging, and at points you might experience resistance towards asking the right and direct questions, especially wherein already have been some ‘unsuccessful’ imprinting within the past.
Resistance might come up as an idea of ‘oh, I have to do this or that’ – and jumping away, like a distraction – remember, we’ve been mastering our ability to have excuse to remain limited and fearful, powerless and doubtful to the point of never really being absolutely honest with ourselves. That’s about to change.

Write down the question to not forget and focus to the resistance, name it, word it’s physical experience too and it’s already being tamed, as I write, type the characters, write with the pen, forming the letters – my mind slows down, I focus to the physical expression of writing, and I see one point at a time – this way I can really see the things coming up within me. And as I word the experiences, I can dig further, start investigating. When a resistance dissolves, I can continue with the point I started to walk through.

Why I resist understanding why I keep becoming shy and suppressing, worrisome and awkward near to women who I feel attraction towards?

img_5642I fear that if I make a mistake or do stupid things, the person who I am attracted to might judge me as unworthy of wanting to continue to be with, to spend time with, etc.
Why I fear that?
Because I feel like I have something to lose and it depends on my actions and I remember how I screwed up similar situation in the past.
Why?
Because I do not trust myself who I am without ‘behaving the way I think she would be attracted to me’
Why?
I trust within personality patterns, tactics, not myself, because my memory tells me that I was a loser
Why?
Because I made mistake and I’ve defined myself according to that mistake. Then I trust that condition and situation as to be remembered to avoid next accident.
Why?

Okay, this is just an example, but see – this also can be looked at as a skill – which then can be learned, and it’s essential to real understanding.

Here Self-forgiveness can give a new perspective – not just with understanding, but already taking responsibility within realizing how this was not self-honest – and thus expressing my decision to stop this pattern, start changing myself as realizing I can do it. Or if not, then I ask and answer more. Until it’s clear, here.

For instance I apply:

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized why exactly I do not trust myself in all ways, situations, conditions and never considered to decide to understand and thus being able to discover what to do in order to trust myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within participating the fear of failure, I’ve focused to the emotional reaction of that fear, instead of the actual subject of my fear, which is to not make the video or make it but not being the level of quality I want to do.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that without making it, even allowing to make mistakes, I do not fear, I do not expand, I do not understand, thus realizing making mistake is part of the process, and within that I forgive myself that I have identified myself with the experience, the reaction to making mistake, and thus defining myself with and as the mistake, and thus wanting to avoid it and within that, not moving, not expanding, not living.

See – this is how one awakens, not with repeating a mantra and feel energies in the stomach and get high.
Or at least this is much more direct and obvious way. I can choose to start trusting myself by running in the forest with blindfolded eyes or to use a torch and see directly. Weird analogy, but anyway. Always ask questions, and answer them – and if you cannot, ask for support from the ones who are proving to be able to walk the mind, such as buddies at the Desteni I Process online course. I’ve go so many support from this online ‘school’, that is extraordinary. That’s why I share these words also – as it might support others too, certainly would do if one is applying 100%. The key is consistent application.

When I stop the flow of this questioning, there is a judgement, or a justification, to have an excuse why I ‘do not have to’ continue digging, asking, understanding – and that is certainly a point of self-dishonesty, what can and should be further investigated and stopped participating within and to continue the expansion.
See – words are specific, words are powerful elements of our mind consciousness, thus it’s really suggested to get to know our own definitions of words, our relationships, associated memories, feelings to specific words – they might not been set-up the most effective/supporting way, maybe I was influenced by tremendous fear in the moment I concluded something in my past, which never re-visited, thus I still carry that in my personality.
And such as the brick wall of human development: most children are special, talented, artistic and smart, and as their brick wall is being built word by word – one or two ‘flawed’ construct will not cause huge problem, but as the building is being built, those at the foundation level will have to carry a much more weight and that’s why it’s specific the first years to have the greatest parenting, education possible…

Later it’s much more work to decompose the person-s building blocks to dig out which are the faulty ones, that’s why each parent wants the best for their children, but within the current human system, it’s limited by the values humans agreed upon, most of the people have no money for proper education for their children, or having no time to support their children, and this rolls forward generation by generation of human consciousness.

That’s for now about my rant on consciousness, just let me add two more TV series in relation to it:

I’d also suggest to check out the 2016 version of Westworld, as it also tells a story about that – creation of consciousness systems.

I’d even add Humans(2015) TV Series too.

Both has A.I, what goes through a sort of gaining consciousness and struggling with decisions about what awareness should mean or to be applied as, what is purpose and going through a journey of who they really are.

I’ve found these latter two also quite specific to understand how human consciousness systems have been sort of engineered, pre-programmed, controlled and used for enslavement.

It’s very specific to watch through Westworld Season 1 and to recognize the similarities of human’s mind consciousness systems and the ‘hosts’ journey there.

The very point from where ‘they gain full consciousness’ – is quite irrelevant, but from that moment, if we start really honestly investigating and comparing ‘them’ to actual humans – the differences is merely technological/biological, but philosophically, spiritually and existentially there is(or will be) no difference.

There is even a fun moment within a scene(I think in Humans 2nd season), where an A.I says that humans are countless, like pests, they are worthless and the real value is them(the self-conscious robots), because it’s new, rare and much more promising in terms of what still can become, meanwhile humans are already what they are – and within that quite limited, flawed and even possibly doomed by their own hands too due to self- and environmental destruction by greed and power, which are in a way also quite meaningless – philosophically speaking, of course.

So, to understand consciousness, to understand our own mind, personality, the way we can be influenced, changed is crucial to become really aware of what we are, what are the consequences we manifested and how to start accumulating a real awakening, not just one within consciousness, but beyond, and certainly more directly.

To further challenge with one point: the human flesh is way more superior than consciousness itself, just to start with. Consider that what organization, billions of cell’s unified work has to be done in each moments for a human to function. Are we aware of that? Consciousness itself is also just a halo, a net, a layer over the body – . Imagine if you would go thinking about that cute girl from yesterday, you would be so far away, that you would forget to breathe and the brain would stop functioning…That would be weird…Many think that’s an advantage, but honestly, we are just as unaware as our other parts of consciousness we are also unaware of. And luckily we have these physical bodies, what are consistent, alive, always present, while our mind can shift into spaces/times here and there, and there is no continuity, only within it’s constant change, while the body’s heart beats, breathes, and these represent a consistent location, the only stable point within the whole universe we can and should to consider as starting point, a real location and relevant point to start taking responsibility for in relation to each of our individual life, social networks, family, friends, bracket of reality to see what are the potentials and where I can ask the right question to answer to unlock myself from any limitation I’ve allowed to physically become. Walk this process and see that consciousness is not just limited, slow and annoying – it is our one aspect we must transcend before embracing life itself as ourselves as equal as one.

I do not preach about Self-forgiveness and Self-honesty, Writing and asking/answering questions – anyone can state immediately that: “It’s not my style/way” – although one has to be really honest to see if it’s not justification and excuse. Many, like I did, often have to go through extreme amount of out of ordinary and I’d even say dangerous experiences to lose almost everything multiple times and to recognize that – again – I’ve a huge mistake – although mistakes are part of the process, it does not mean one has to timeloop until extreme frustration and pain, anger and even self-hatred emerges. Do not believe what I wrote, investigate and walk your journey to life yourself. Everyone is unique, but the things we have to transcend is quite the equal, the same: our own mind consciousness system limitation fear mechanism. Just a cool reference point to not get cocky and remain humble and to give as we would like to receive.

It is certainly a great way is to look at world events, movies, stories, products and systems to always start with reflecting back to self – what this tells about ME, what I have not yet seen, understood – thus not going into blame, projection, separation to find problems ‘out there’ immediately, but to see within, what is or could be my own responsibility in relation to this point I am facing currently?

For more, check out EQAFE – to learn about consciousness, existence, life with unique audio books.

To learn about Words, how to support our living to be more alive, I’d suggest to go to

http://schoolofultimateliving.com/

Enjoy, share, live!

Day 288 – Presence exploration share

This is rather an experimental approach on sharing, maybe too personal, but I find these mini-sessions ‘with me’ supportive.

img_0100

I find myself here.

I have a direction, but not too obsessive, but kind of enthusiastic. I have a focus here, feeling, hearing the breath, but not becoming preoccupied with it’s sensation.
I feel the gravity, the points of my body being supported by the chair I am sitting within, my sole too, but it’s balanced out with my straightening effort to keep me vertical.

I merely observe this phenomenon that I am here, no tiredness, no worry, no desire in particular, the only thing what I see within is this silent initiation from which I express, move out here directly.

I still feel that there are layers behind of this dark point my expression emerges from, as I can sense some conscious participation in the mind, but at this moment it’s all right. I am not here to judge, but explore, embrace and discover.

What reaction I can already expose is this weird sensation, faithful conviction of that this presence, moment, expression and experience is significant and fragile.

Sometimes I just find myself totally dropping all my personality and be within this presence. It’s shy, humble and light, but accumulates each time surfacing into ever greater self-trust and physical direction.

This used to be quite scary, dreadful, horrifying experience, back there, when I was experimenting with the no judgement, and used to take massive amount of psychedelics to suppress my ability to judge and define, but after a while I also had to realize that this also suppressed my deepening of understanding of actual self-sabotage required to take initiative to stop and change the actual self-suppression I’ve defined myself to be who I am.

I am ready to die, am I? I am letting go everything I have, I did, said, felt and experienced. I do not need anything.

Yes, but…

No. I am here.

I do even stop from time to time within writing this as finding proper English words. Why do I write in this language, in my first language, I would be much more fluid, effective. but I want more people to be able to possibly reach. It’s alright for now.

There was a slight moment of reaction of what if I stop, I lose the momentum, the presence, the gentle yet firm direction of me being here, with basically no chance to be distracted from this self-respect, and by that I could just go into this inner mini-battle of taking myself apart with cold thinking of ‘if I worry of losing it, then I already lost it, never even had’.

And I recognize the pattern, I stop, and I re-align.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to doubt myself, to not name, word the origin, the relationship of this doubt, but reacting to it, following it and giving up presence and direction without actually considering what would be the solution for this fear to dissolve, stop, remove and transcend.

I do even say this aloud to feel the words, to speak, to be the words and be the sounding of this expression. Within sounding it, I see that the sentence required one more word, so adding it. Then I say it aloud again. I feel that there is energetic movement within my body, I say it again and focusing to this energy, to what word it originates from and why…

Yes I see it now, the specificity. I need to be more specific, like also to see the tendency where my reaction would take me, want to specify to also see and be able to mark with another self-forgiveness, to be absolutely sure that I am aware of not just the trigger point, but also the pattern of this and it’s consequence, so then I can ensure that next time I recognize that it’s in fact best to avoid this pattern.

This can go on for a while, there are hundreds of patterns within the mind, intertwined, interconnected and interdependent with many more and I have to be able to sail through with sane, present and directive self-movement without being washed away from what I face, discover.

Writing is great, I always can stop and take a breath, feel it, the physical, the gravity, the senses and when I am ‘solid’ again, I continue, write more.

This is magic, alchemy at it’s best as the limit is only on me, because with writing I can not only understand but also change my own nature of who I am today. Step by step, word by word.

That’s why these Journey to Life blogs, for several years, many of us committed to write, share and walk the realizations into actual, physical change.

Feeling the throbbing of the blood in my palms when I stop, allowing the body to breathe, and I am in and as this breath.

I acknowledge the gift I give for myself to be with me in this moment and to see what is here, what’s up, what’s going on.

I look for tiredness, exhaustion, heaviness in the body and at the moment I do not feel it. I am free from it, so I look, where this ‘expected heaviness’ is coming from and I see memories coming up when I feel my palms being exhausted, tired of all the things I’ve done with it, when I was doing things I did not want to, but felt compelled, when I had stress and did not relax it for hours and days, and I feel in the muscles that it’s there, but at the same time not today, so I continue exploring.

I check my chest, what is causing me to sometimes feel this acidic experience, coming up from my stomach and it’s judgements and stress. That can cause to feel this out of balance experience and feeling like my body is burning, it should have this PH negative ‘force’ from somehow to balance out this energy, what influences me, pushes me, and it’s of fear, I see, when I worry of not being able to see how I am going to do what I would like, when I feel confined by the things I created in my life, then I can have this self-burning, self-eating, suppressing self-judgement energetic experience. But also, not today.

I do not feel the chest heaviness, it feels like there is this specific point where it would be a strong pressure point and I would feel like I am breathing through that narrow point, almost like I have to force my breath to have a ‘full breath’ experience and even sometimes feeling like the breath is stuck in my chest, so I have to ‘practice’ and ‘loosen up’ to be able to breath one good ‘sigh’.

This is also a memory, as I am breathing normally, yet I see this signature in my breath, it’s something I have to work actively on seeing all the patterns, dimensions and memories, word relationships, external situations and conditions specifically to un-learn this resonant anxiety and fear, to then being able to solve those problems within I can have these experiences.

Of course my situation is quite easy in terms of I do not live in a war-shattered city as many do in Syria for instance, I have food, shelter, work for money, even free time, but I do not compare, I do not judge, I rather embrace and acknowledge here.

I move my attention to my feet, my toes: one is resting on another, it seems comfortable at first, but as I spend more time, about several minutes, the one is holding the another’s weight starts to feel pressured, so it’s like one leg feels really comfortable, but another starts to feel equally uncomfortable. Interesting. I put them both on their soles and it’s immediately better. Although I feel that there is tension on my knees, so I just focus there, give them one-two breath attentions and now they are both relaxed. Great.

I feel this energy spreading on my lower spine, rather on the right side and I see, there was a slight moment of observing myself from a mental point of view, rather like a quick self-judgement of…maybe irony, but not real, rather as an aesthetic categorizing imagination of this being in a film scene and before defining it to be cool, I let it go, I breathe…

I feel my mouth and face frowned for a reason I am not entirely sure, so by acknowledging I am not aware of why I did, it’s almost like I could and should know, just at this moment apparently can’t word it out. And by acknowledging that acknowledging, I look up and take another big sigh.

See, this presence is like a meditation, a mind-serialization, when really slowing down to see the tremendous amount of processes one can easily be overwhelmed by and it’s just the first step to become aware of the mind and the fact that I am not always doing the best possible, or when I ‘think’ that I do, I also write down the reasons I would ‘believe’ that I do the best possible, and to see if those are excuses and justifications only or I am really, fully being aware of what and why I feel, think and do.
This is rather an exploration and a rant on presence, but I am sure you only can know yourself, when you are present, empty and embracing without any judgement. That’s what I suggest to explore. Well, it’s not always easy, but remember, whatever comes up, it’s you. Deal with it. See, decide, explore if you can live with it or you might find it as limiting/annoying or even self-deceiving – then you understand it more and stop it, change it, and thus you, bit by bit, breath by breath: changing yourself and with that the world! That’s THE Way. Enjoy.

Day 283 – Consciousness is less than we think

fraToday I reflect to this article I bookmarked quite some time before:

Consciousness has less control than believed, according to new theory

“Why do you have an urge or thought that you shouldn’t be having? Because, in a sense, the consciousness system doesn’t know that you shouldn’t be thinking about something,” Morsella said. “An urge generator doesn’t know that an urge is irrelevant to other thoughts or ongoing action.”

We say this since quite some years now – consciousness is a consequence of the separation from SELF as physical body presence through polarity, judgement and imaginary fear of loss – thus that’s the real limitation, that should be transcended by investigating our own relationships with the words we react to, we express…it’s common sense actually: how we would try to transcend what is constantly here as substance when we are even unable to understand and stop being limited by our own thoughts, feelings, images and waving emotions and to fully experience and express ourselves through and AS our human body, which is way more aware than our perception through the mind consciousness.
Even mind-blowing drug experiences cannot be trusted as only showing the system and it’s borders, not actual, real power of Self, which is Physical Living Words, what cannot be induced by anything else but decision, understanding, direction and expression as Self. So much to learn and unlearn…

Nothing is what it seems and this is specific to each individual equally – the more tempting to let go of something within your mind, life, which is not common sense, then it’s really great chance that you are conned by your own consciousness system in your mind, that’s a mechanism, not real self, not real at all, but superimposed, organic computer stuff, which sometimes can be handy, and also can be really-really deceitful, totally consumed by self-interest and also highly illogical, inefficient and really destructive if we follow it’s patterns blindly without stopping for a breath and considering what I am actually doing right now…

And this can be quite tricky, because the trend is to getting afraid of possible scenarios of Artificial Intelligence would take over or becoming more smart, do a quantum leap, a singularity, which actually nothing else, but our own mind consciousness system trying to evolve by actually fixing it’s limitations – totally externally, totally separated from self, from the physical, from human body, which might be the end of our path. Who knows? What I’ve found is that we can fix our own mind consciousness with Self-honesty, Self-correction, Responsibility, investigating, re-defining and changing our own relationships with our building blocks of life: words.

The more I am present, empty in my mind and whole, direct and physical so to speak, the more I can embrace, understand and see, feel and experience without the inner mind polarity-based interpretation, self-limitation of self-interest, fear and judgements.

This ‘knowledge’ is quite known since many-many years, yet really-really few people can really understand what it actually means to live like that and how to transform the current ‘human’ into this more direct, self-honest and actually life-aware beingness.

The scriptures, spiritual, religious books are full of contradictions, ignorance, darkness and even nastiness, and when about of actual, down to earth, practical methods, daily applications, they all rely on some belief, energetic accumulation or disregarding some aspects of the full spectrum of human existence.

I’d say, instead of exclusion, investigate all things and keep which is good, what is best for all participant, and that is not really difficult, only have to see the common denominator, what we all require to be supported on the physical level – food, shelter, water, education, health care, real connection, share and care. Which starts with what we have already here: ourselves, thus I start to care about my mind-consciousness – body relationship, my delusions, my fears, my limitations and understand them as who I am currently.
By becoming aware of what I have accepted to manifest as who I am today I acknowledge, but do not stop there, do not define as who I am, because I also see the potential of who I could be without fear, without self-interest, without the mesmerizing hypnotic trance of my thoughts and I decompose the patterns, I give a new chance for myself and thus I stop these patterns and explore what is beyond the consciousness system.

I’ve studied computer science, basically all my life working with programmed and programmable machines and also studied some fuzzy logic – which is word-rule-based system, what is used in machines already and that is also how a human mind is operating.
We keep saying that emotions are so damn valuable and the trademark of our ‘specialness’, which differentiates us from every animal, plant and machines, but if I really look at these also word-based, mostly systematic manifestations within the human mind consciousness – it’s not impossible to program such things, even by humans – it’s just a whole lot more complex and multidimensional system with much more data we ever dealt before in science. But look at the news, we are getting ‘there’ as already mentioned AI(Artificial Intelligence).
As time passes, the less will be needed for skills what we currently think as valuable today – machines take over factory, production, soon driving, transportation, farming, even applying law – the whole stock market is already running under A.I. control, and now military is joining, education, health care.
We are in the process of externalizing all aspects of human the mind consciousness system and then soon – apparently – nothing will remain as -sacred human value- what cannot be programmed into technology – maybe to just prove this very point that we are none of our dearly held values we imagine as who we think we are.

I am not against technology, hell no, but real awareness, actual care for LIFE – can be found if we, as organic human body beings start trusting to become with physical substance directly, without consciousness, without thoughts, not separated by words and reactions, but unified, become equal with the words we think, we say and express.

That is quite doable, I am part of this group, called Desteni, whereat individuals are understanding consciousness, it’s limitations, it’s programmability, it’s ‘place within our life’ and what is beyond that and how to learn and change our so-called ‘unchangeable’ human nature, which at the moment seems to be self-destructive.
The very fact that there are rarely human individuals who really care and consider the fact that our living environment we are destroying is a proof that they are identified and placed themselves within and as the consciousness, not here in and as Earth.
It’s not a judgement, but those who do not take responsibility for all what is happening on this planet, in this human-ruled system – are still in the self-limited hypnotic trance of consciousness systems and it’s not a game, each and every single human being is equally manifesting irreversible consequences in every second, thus it’s common sense to take responsibility also for those who are still trapped in the ‘won’t or can’t‘.

There is an online –free– course which can support with taking the first steps of understanding consciousness and to realize there is so much more beyond it…

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

So…investigate, be self-honest and blow your mind one breath- and step – at a time. Enjoy!