Day 356 – Honesty and Reflecting to Life

aaaaa1Let’s go back to a point I am walking through, a self-dishonesty personality pattern first and then open it out to see it more deeper and broadly. Describing the problem first.

(This was revealed by support of Quantum Change Kinesiology):

Projection of (positive and/or negative) values to other in relationship.

What this shows in my personality that projecting out an idea of who the other is.
And to have the tendency to become submissive/insecure and thus misinterpret points specifically related to relationship and partner.
This is existing on unconscious/quantum mind/quantum physical level within my personality quite deeply,
in a way, a hidden type of programming exist as interpretations about partner, resulting within perceptions of a
“She is strong – I am weak” dynamics;

which then filters my perception about reality, thus supporting the personality design of experiencing, seeing, accepting and thus acting out myself as submissive and insecure.

Then I react with emotions and I am being exposed to thoughts, such as ‘I misinterpreted, I am strong, she is weak’ – and all of a sudden I am confused, uncertain, thus whatever comes, happens or whatever the other does or says, I try to adapt, embrace and accept but already not being aware of what’s real and/or relevant here..

With specific projections, to support, hide, deny and suppress this insecurity(fear, fear of loss), I make it about her and the relationship, instead of focusing back to self, Process of Self-realization – Self-investigation Self-forgiveness and Self-change.

In fact, I think that I fear of losing her, but truth is, I fear losing the relationship – within me – in relation to her, and although it’s all me, within and as me – still can’t control it, but I try regardless – thus going into inner friction, conflict and fight. Ain’t fun, this happened and had to realize, my starting point was not self-honest, I could do better.

Why falling into the mistake of become insecure/submissive through misinterpretations specifically related to partner and the relationship?
At this point I am not clear on that this fear-based behavior is always being triggered and just I became aware of it – or only within this particular relationship. Does not matter much though, it came up, I walk through and forgive and change.

My overall insecure and submissive starting point about to relationship and partner is not the core of the problem, but a result of the deeper self-acceptance on existence-level in relation to me, my mind and the world triangle/trinity relationship.

In order to face the world, I have defined – been trained, educated/ brainwashed/ lured/fallen to – my mind – and all of it’s perks (self-definitions, judgments, thoughts, feelings and emotions, energetic experiences, etc) always rely to – for interpretation and guidance. The key here is the word RELY. My mind works as a Relay between Self and World.

Thus the experience of Separation and constant strive for forming relationships.

Not only partnership, but any type of relationship with things, experiences, items, anything.
Not realizing that it’s self-created, not real, although by looking through it, what I perceive is altered, influenced, twisted and different from reality, based on the starting point of the very relationship I exist within.

The original insecurity has it’s own proof – the mind itself, within it’s essence and manifestation – the very definition of insecurity, shelling, shielding, armoring me from/in relation to and to an extent against the world – and it might sound biblical but this can be considered as an original sin – not as sin, but a starting point for a painful consequence.

With the mind – I am not directly Living, I am being programmed, triggered, systematized – for few, it’s a pleasant experience due to their programming, but most of the humans are programmed to be really limited, insecure and gullible for temptations , fear and self-interest. Although the Mind is not bad – it’s an aspect, a reflection, a mirror.

Self – Mind – Existence – all are one and equal – but Self does not move, act, feel*(experience) directly, only through the database, processing computer, ‘artificial intelligence’ of the Mind Consciousness System.

Self here is referred as an Individual Life expression, which is unique yet not separate from all of existence. Just for specifying.

There is a self-definition, a self-virtualization, a self-reflection and self-awareness system living within each and every single human being’s head, body and mind.

This is might be the point to ask what’s the problem with this, am I nuts to question, I mean everyone exists like this probably, except some weird exceptions.

What’s the problem with Self-awareness, one might ask, but the question is how it’s related to Life-awareness? Am I, as Self, being aware of how I am related to All Life, what it means and who I am within this? Can I grasp and direct myself within this context and consider all Life equally or am I consumed and lost, deluded and imprisoned into self-interest?

Within my own exploration of living, I have realized that it’s so easy to fall into thinking for instance, wherein not I am thinking, but I am being exposed to thought-processes, what cause reactions, another thoughts, emotions, feelings and probably not always cause huge problems, but the truth is that if I look at it honestly, I have no idea when it’s absolutely right and when it’s completely delusional.
Especially when facing conflict within relationship for instance. Am I making things up or the other is indeed behaving not nicely? But if I keep thinking, virtually running scenarios, desiring positive scenarios, fearing from negative consequences, I am not fully here. Just try it, keep thinking heavily, even when you induce it, while in reality, you are absent.

Why anyone would participate within such act? Why not to remain always here, to just always know what’s right, what to do, what’s next? Is it too much to aim for? Where the doubt, insecurity, worry and fear comes from?

It’s implanted, pretty much a kind of sin of our fathers, an accumulated, manifested consequence of existence, mankind and what’s been before. That’s why, even when most of the people, individual beings seem so irrelevant, powerless and out of context – within the deepest – core of their life-essence-beingness level – each and every single being within existence are equally responsible for it’s current state and it’s direction towards what’s going to happen and come next.

Genesis 11:9

“Therefore its name is called Babylon, for there the LORD confused the language of the whole earth, and from there the LORD scattered them over the face of the whole earth.”

This actually means that everyone has their own interpretation, definition of words, and they try to live up to it, and when people speak, even when they try to do within the same country-language-dialect – there is difference, creating opportunity and space for misinterpretation, argument, confusion and conflict, but mostly delusion.

This is why the Journey to Life Process is required to walk it for years, to decompose our mind, definitions, words to see which is based, related to, infested with self-interest, fear or confusion – and within it’s various forms, for instance in my own case: submissive tendency towards relying points, things, people outside of me to hide the truth that I am insecure. Weird, yet quite a revelation to really see this through and to realize the real necessity to purify myself from the very core of my being.

In the biblical quote’s sense, forgiveness is not to be begged or prayed to, but to put on those LORD shoes on and become the unification of creator, created and creation trinity myself. That’s the greatest blasphemy and redemption at once: to become responsible for all of myself directly. Not to wait, hope for or desire after a savior but literally start saving myself.

Practical common sense is shining when I realize that WORDS are the building blocks of our World, thus the blogging, the self-investigation and look into the mirror through the words we consist of.

I’ve went a bit meta on this from my own point, but it’s relevant to walk it backwards to the origin point before walking self-correction.

The origin of my insecurity is the act and consequence of my submission to my own programmed energetic mind consciousness virtual self-reflection. But how?

Within the connection of equality and oneness with the want, desire and hope for a partner, relationship – I am submitting myself into the polarity design of positive and negative, strong and weak, good and bad.

Missing myself by existing within a sub-merged, sub-routine, sub-conscious existence.

What is one of the greatest assistance is a point, what’s really missed mostly here, is the physical, actual substance aspect of existence. Meaning, anyone can carol odes about the glorious consciousness, but it is to realize that the physical is superior than the mind consciousness, and the systematic manifestation of such mind consciousness is actually superior to us, humans. Just by looking at how limited humans can be, the very definition of ‘unconscious/subconscious’ mind narrates about the fact that we are unaware of how our consciousness work in the background, thus we are literally exposed and vulnerable are to the mind, which actually depends on physical energy, provided by the human physical body.

Many claim, consciousness flies forward, transfers and transcends physical death, the tales about reincarnation and ascension comes from various religious and belief-system-based lore, what lure insecure individuals to a false-clarity which can’t be cross-referenced, verified by living humans and the dead does not speak or if they seem to, it’s all twisted and limited.

That’s why the Portal is so unique – listen to what she says – and if there is knowledge, consider it, if applicable, try it out! It’s extraordinary! Sometimes it’s so casual and sounds very simple that I do not realize that it’s the most profound practical way to solutions, because I can have tendency to complicate, overthink and overreact, while the solution is right front of me.

What’s that solution then? Back to my point – certainly not enough to only realize that I am insecure, I should not be, let’s man up and stop it!

Well, actually it might be like that if I could apply it in the actual situations, BEFORE participating, not being carried away with the habits, reactions, but for being able to do so, I really-really need to know and understand how and why I am doing it to be able to stop – actually prevent myself re-creating the same pattern in real time application.

That’s the main reason I have stopped all spiritual practices, world-perceptions, beliefs – it’s not enough to meditate, to say mantra, to sing prays, to atone sins, to beg for mercy – I really need to understand my problem’s reality to the utmost specificity.

Many claim, well, while meditating, they have these realizations, ‘AHA’-moments, I know what they mean.
But to have a practical comparison, let’s consider what actually entails to walk the Desteni I Process course, to Apply Self-forgiveness and Writing down my mind-body-beingness relationship, to WORD down the perceptions, experiences, reactions and to decompose the patterns I constitute, to for-GIVE myself an opportunity to STOP participating, PREVENTING and thus being able to re-CREATE my starting point and action. It’s very…not only logical, but it’s pure practical common sense.

I know what it means to work on that pre-cognitive, no-thinking zen-animal-kind of state of mind, perpendicular to the polarity-based thinking – (example: What is Buddha – not consciousness, not Buddha – and the student contemplates on how Buddha can be Buddha AND not Buddha at the same time without consciousness? – and it’s like a muscle – I think so much, and then I let it go and then I realize – AHA – it’s beyond thinking).

But this is a limited approach, I did this for years – what one should ask is this:
Why am I afraid to name the things as they are, what is my problem with my words?
When I believed that if I do not define, I will be free of self-definitions, but the truth is that it’s not enough not to think – I mean, yes, when I was angry and suppressed unrealistic sexual desires and I sat down, said mantra all day – meanwhile I had no anger or desire – but once I stopped the mantra and went out – all came back.

So with no-thinking I do not change what’s already programmed on physical level into my mind-body-beingness relationship, it’s automatically living – not just the conscious mind needs to be transcended, but the subconscious, unconscious, the quantum mind, the physical mind as well – and for that one must be able to see and walk the ‘Matrix’ – which has building blocks of words. That’s why when I use words and I face extreme limitations – it’s not the words limit me, but how I approach, use, define and live those words – back to the original point – through the mind, not directly.

If I compare being able to word, describe and understand how I operate to for instance with to sit within meditation(say ‘om…’ mantra and let’s say imagining buddhas helping me or some consciousness liquid they flow into me to purify me or imagine floating energy balls along my spine or just simply imagining a lake’s surface becoming smooth and still) – it becomes obvious that words are the most direct way to understand and if I can’t apply them, that is my already existing limitation, which – also can be solved by investigating and decomposing, re-defining my own words.

So those ‘spiritual’ approaches are kind of cool and fun discipline and focus-practices, but if I look at my real world problem right now, about relationship, about financial points, about insecurity, about anything, what makes more sense? To describe the problems in order to be able to understand it or to close my eyes, go into a mental cave and imagine my spirit animal healing me?

It’s a choice, I get it, I’ve been there, it’s so tempting and vivid and really fascinating, but the truth is, my dearest, yet most brutal self-honesty about the years I’ve spent with these spiritual self-trixteries is that I was distracting, suppressing and escaping myself from directly facing my problems, myself and thus the solutions, because I need to change, and that’s scary, because beyond change there is Unknown. Even to fear to lose my limitations can be scary as ‘What if it will be worse than now?’

That’s why often people start applying Desteni and letting go all those things, when they hit rock bottom really hard. When you lose everything you are able to do anything.

And within this, the another brutal realization is that I already lost my integrity, self-honesty, absolute self-trust, that’s why I am not applying the most direct, practical ways to solve problems. And that’s tough, but the art and enjoyment, courage and effectiveness comes by not judging, punishing, shaming myself to petrification by looking what I have done and became – but to simply start accumulating understanding and action to stop, forgive and change.

I don’t mean to be rude with any spiritual people(in particular: Buddhist – just I personally participated within that for years, thus sharing my realizations), but it’s tough – to admit that there might be more effective way and I almost like wasted years – this realization can only come by becoming brutally honest with myself with asking – how much I am effectively dealing with problems with these things I participate within – is there any belief, hope I rely to, which is not Self Directly Here?

Effectiveness is important – our time here is not endless, no rush, but certainly the amount of progress should not be disregarded. That’s why needs to be measurable somehow. To accumulate something substantial, not just the amount of mantras I did, but the actual realizations, actions, changes.

And it’s crucial to answer honestly, because if I allow the luxury to lie about this – I will manifest consequences to show me equal and one of what I accept and allow. And that might include others too – and best cure is the prevention, to learn by realization, not by consequence with applying practical common sense.

I did not really learn like that in relation to partnership, thus I have manifested consequences, what were not the coolest, I must admit, but it’s also important not to stop by fear of mistakes, because it’s another self-honesty point to carefully decide, when shall I allow myself to make mistakes and learn the hard way, because it’s still better than not moving, expanding, learning and changing.

So, I will continue with decomposing these points. By writing down, I already create opportunity and direction to change and become able to draft a practical approach on how to live that, thus I can continue with that.

I might not always work on myself, sometimes I relax too, or get tired, sick or simply need to make money for surviving, but it’s always cool to find time and opportunity to understand more. I have even got accused that I only care about myself and how much I can talk about myself only. It’s not fun, I must admit, especially when revealing, exposing, even sharing these ‘flaws’ – but it’s encouraging to commit myself to fully understand and stop these patterns, thus change myself.

But the more I reveal, the more I see work to be done and it is my job to purify myself, there will be nobody who would do this for me. It is encouraging to see the Journey to Life social network groups, pages, where others share their blogs, vlogs, realizations, dishonesties and they also work to become more effective, liveable and enjoyable.

I often listen EQAFE audio interviews about understanding more about the mind, life and existence and if I make notes, it’s so easy to find points within to continue perfecting myself – yet keep balancing it with ‘going out there’ and living.

So, what I want to say is that I suggest everyone to have a notebook and start writing down points, realizations and things to open up when will have the opportunity, direction and commitment to stop a self-dishonest pattern.

And there is something unique within daring to share these realizations with the world – it’s an integrity and self-trust point: Yes, I admit, I have been living self-dishonestly, but I commit myself to stop and change, and I encourage everyone to do the same. And I do not hide the points I walk through, no secret mind, no protecting my weaknesses, I expose them, so can focus to solutions. And of course anyone see flaws, misunderstandings within my approach, please drop a feedback, I might miss something – that’s another great point about sharing – I might assist or encourage others, or someone also could support me within seeing more clearly.

Thank you very much

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Day 317 – Controversial topics

controvThese are what they are, with the centralized mass-media, the unofficial and controversial information sources have been spread.

What is true, what is fake? This is now every day’s conversation. The information-era is at it’s perils.

It’s interesting to see that everyone has beliefs, opinions, judgements, and if anyone does not have, share, to persuade or trying to protect those, or does not care, then they are also being judged by others as sheep or blind followers of the enslavement system.
But the interesting part is that those who are quiet, it’s not that they do not have beliefs, opinions, judgements, but on top of those beliefs, they have a specific set of convictions about why they should not share and care to enter into this meme-war of consciousness of what’s right or true or real.

Because from a point, it literally becomes war, not only in the people’s minds, but on the actual fields and seas, sons of mothers go against each other, just because they have the belief of this is why is worthy to kill and die for. Pure insanity.

That’s why the internal conflicts, battles, frictions within our own mind never should be underestimated, because that is exactly what accepts and justifies external conflicts and wars, destruction and abuse in the world too.

An example: “I hate that I was so shy with this girl, I have missed the opportunity to ask her out, I am so fool, I HATE when I am like this.”

In this example I am actually being distracted with the emotional energy coming from the negative self-judgement, not focusing to the possible actual solution – to ask, why I was shy and coward and not stopping with that answer of :”Because it’s risky, I can screw this up and then I am done, she would never consider me as a potential partner.”
Then, to be able to see beyond this excuse is crucial: to see that I am afraid to lose something I give value to so much that actually I am being distracted and handicapped while doing it by the overwhelming vivid imagination of me failing in this, with her.

The willingness and actual, practical ability to be self-honest is the most important thing in life, I am certain, because without it, I am lost, untrustworthy and being exposed to the elements of all experiences, conditions in the world without being able to really understand, to change within.
Blame, projection, anger pointed to others, the world is being accepted and allowed as a hellhole for the majority, meanwhile if I would be honest to myself, I could directly see by approaching the levels of self-deception to discover how and why exactly I am responsible for what I experience, for what I conclude, for what I accept and allow and also for what I do.

So, here comes in the point of controversial topics, because it is also now all over the world, so many crazy ideas about what happened here and there, what is going on or how things do really work.

Controversial topics are actually cool, because within that I can have a reflection of who I am, what do I accept according to peer pressure of social acceptance and what is commonly believed to be true, what is actually proven, what I can prove for myself and what I have to actually walk through, work on and find out myself to be able to decide of whether it is real or made up.
And within that to also see how relevant the point is in my life, my neighbors life, all life’s perspective currently and in the long term as well.

In the current bank-debt-funded predatory capitalist system, where profit, revenue and income is the most important factor within pursuing safety, health and enjoyment, it is also an opportunity to deceive others for it.

And often, even the apparently ‘innocent’ ones are also causing irreversible and horrible consequences.
To persuade someone for a face creme to prevent aging for women might not seem as damaging, but if we can realize how exactly it’s being made, that it’s being tested on animals, if it’s factory keeping workers on sweatshop/slave level, if to see that the CEO of the 10.000 personnel company earns 10 percent of all the revenue, then I might consider that it’s not the best it could be.

I guess, it’s not that controversial as can be, let’s pick another one: vaccinations.
It’s also a heated discussion between parents, especially who had bad or horrible consequences by using these, often even compulsory treatments for children. Here and there some scientist appears trying to prove correlation between brain dysfunction and poisonous ingredients of vaccinations, then often people are being ridiculed when starting to question the authority, the corporations, the government.

As long as it’s a capitalist profit-oriented, revenue-hungry corporation funds, fabricates, persuades and sells these vaccinations, it is obviously questionable and when the whole process is not shared and being 100% transparent to the consumers, then it’s natural to want to know more about it, to see more research results.

There might be some really scary dark conspiracies in the background, but to gossipmonger all over – it’s bad and does not support any possible solution.

Mostly there is simple explanation: the fear relating to not survive in capitalism, greed; the never ending conquest for more and more profit drives people over common sense, beyond compassion and under dignity to the mind-state of superiority, justifying with principles like ‘survival of the fittest’, but those individuals are totally incapable of being self-honest to question their belief systems, to answer their self-dishonesty, thus not only becoming lost within their own realm of consciousness, but causing massive amount of abuse in the real world, what is being shared with everyone else.

Poisoning natural water sources, covering it up, marketing sickening products without warning, bribing their way out of it, fabricating casus belli and driving whole countries to war: it’s every day’s reality and anyone who accepts and justifies it with sentences like ‘This is us, human nature’, they are also part of the problem, not only the person who gives the orders to execute those atrocities every day.

I also have been ridiculed many times when bringing up a controversial topic, just because the TV does say that it’s conspiracy theory, because some things, if those would be really real, people would have to realize that their own version of reality is a delusion, which is difficult to give up, because that means they have invested maybe even decades into something what was almost completely a waste of time.

I do not think there is real evil, which would fight good and want to destroy, like in the tales – that’s existing only in the mind, polarity – a symbol of our own separation for LIFE itself, because there is no good without bad, no matter how GOOD I become, there will always will be BAD, because it’s all relative, make-belief. To balance out positivity taking all over, which would be also totally impractical, negativity appears. What we see in the world, it always reflects back to our own mind and vice versa.

That’s why it’s imperative to have a willingness and actual ability to investigate and sort out my own beliefs, judgements, delusions, because that is how I really discover myself and the world, that’s how I decide what’s real and what is bullshit.

We like it or not, there are a LOT of things humans in general do not yet comprehend in this world.

Remnants of ancient civilizations – total mystery, people have ideas and beliefs about what happened, but there are so many – and most people ignore these, because there is no ‘mainstream opinion/proof’, so until that it’s just controversial. Someone else to figure it out. Or based on some interest, promote something, what’s maybe real.

How much those things are really relevant in my own individual life, process of self-honesty? That’s the practical question one has to answer as well.

Or the flat-earthers, they are consistently sharing these articles and videos to prove why the earth is flat, the sun is very close and they are obviously pissed off that nobody believes them, they feel cheated, lied to and humiliated with the world, the system, the government, science, because they feel they know the truth and most people don’t or don’t care. How much that is relevant?
Unless I am working with satellites, weather, or within the hello: ‘space’ industry; how much of my every day life is influenced by the possibility that earth is not a sphere-like space rock, but something else?

I had my own crusades about several of so called controversial topics, according to drugs and spirituality, because when one day I’ve realized that how I lived, what to I’ve built my experiences, culture and personality – it was based on self-deception, thus I had to let it go. For some it’s more difficult to give up, to acknowledge that ‘I was wrong’. For me it is no problem if I was wrong, but right now to be wrong with the knowledge that it might not be real, relevant or common sense, that would be more self-dishonest than to just change.

When with desteni support I was able to figure out myself of how I was deceiving myself with the spirituality and drugs, I’ve felt compelled to expose all the gurus and masters, anything relating to mantras and chakras as total distraction.

Because it did not work for me.
Because I’ve realized that my starting point with them was self-dishonest, therefore I assumed that anyone and everyone participating within spirituality are equally self-deceivers by default.

Maybe not, maybe yes, I do not know that for certain, but the methods, the symbolism: for me it’s obvious how and why it’s flawed, I understand it now, I can word and explain it, I can see the points where I’ve recouped it with hopes, beliefs – therefore I am not interested in participating in these things at all. Also I have responsibility to share my realizations, because that might support others too realize the same mistakes I’ve made.

And it’s quite tricky, because if someone repeats mantras for hours, of course it will have an effect, accumulating energy, expectation, the sound vibration, the set and setting becomes also relevant. But it’s like trying to have a medical operation of my eyes through my bottom(from the silly movie parody called Hot Shots, they call it multiopiloptomy).
Especially tricky if I do not understand how my mind’s energy-house-holding works – I might just feed my mind with energy to be able to balance shit out and I feel more calm, but under the carpet, still the same, I do not have to radically change, to face my self-dishonesties directly, for instance addictions, not taking responsibility, being untrustworthy for myself and my partner or my boss, to make actual difference in the world, no, I just have to repeat 111.111 mantras and it will have effect, good karma and while doing it I will have insights.
For me this is now not direct and honest enough.

I’d rather ask myself and answer directly about things, points, problems, solutions. No need for magical vibrations, I have voice, I have words already. That I am here to live.

When I go to a shop, I don’t use mantra to get food, I use words. When I communicate with my partner on solving a conflict, I use words again, and if I want to stand out in front of the crowd to share support on how to transcend the mind, again and eventually always: I use words. So why not work with that directly? Common sense.

When I actually do something, I do it with my human physical body, so it’s also common sense to make it home, my starting point, my temple, my presence – without allowing interference from my mind of fear, of overwhelming and distracting emotions, regardless of positive or negative, which is just relative to my own interest, even if it’s projected onto something or someone, it’s still MY interest. But who I am is not just me, but equally is in the rest too. So it’s also common sense to consider all participants of the given system as equals, thus manifesting what is best for all. But it’s going to be damn difficult if I rely to spiritual practices and energetic experiences to ground myself and become consistent and constant within my direction and presence. Rather write down the words, investigate the words, let go of not supporting definitions, associations of words, re-define words and live them directly, so then no need to doubt, fear, complicate or judge, just directly live.

Maybe there was a time in world history when chakras and these spiritual things did have more effect on reality, the minds, but nowadays it’s just through the mind consciousness system, people’s beliefs, convictions, self-persuasions.

That is what I have investigated, tested, realized, lived. But I would not want to persuade anyone that I am right or others are not. Time will tell everything. Manifested consequences too. As Bernard Poolman stated:

There is no such thing as truth, only denial of what is here.

I went into more details with this point to share that how I take on practical approach with common sense on a point, instead of feelings and reactions. But the same principle can be applied to other controversial – or in fact any kind of topic.

I only can share as much as I can about my process, what I have experienced, seen, realized and why – then if anyone has better angle, then share it with me, I am absolutely open for re-evaluating my entire life. And everyone should be.

Another controversial topic to reflect back on self-leadership – writing some details so some conspiring dudes or dudettes can relate with: Investigating 9/11 was an inside job or it’s a hoax, was there aeroplane hijacking or planned demolition, temperature of the airplane fuel versus the melting point of reinforced steel or mossad agents versus found saudi passports – those the points people can argue about and it’s never ending. What that actually would imply about ‘our own’ – in fact USA – government is terrifying about how far leadership can justify to go in order to follow their agenda, to keep balance of their insanely unbalanced budget, the mysterious disappearance of massive amount of money. The downstream total destruction of an other country, accusations of weapons of mass destructions, oil industry, weapon industry, drug industry, media industry, we like it or not, these questions are maybe relevant.

And if I investigate from SELF – I can ask – why is there leadership, why there are people not wanting to be responsible, why need control, anarchy, war or peace, what those actually mean versus what I think or feel about.
How am I not living my potential, not living LEADERSHIP as I could be, how I am following, obeying, expecting and accepting instead of initiating, directing, planning, anticipating, moving? That is where I should start, not blaming the president or the banks. If I do not like it, I should show a better way, I should be part of the solution, I should join politics then and change by living as an example of my definition of good. That’s self-honest. That is the way forward. Not protesting and burning cars on street, whistling at public speeches or trolling and cursing online. Anyone does that – stating the obvious – they accept their powerlessness. But it’s still way to change, starting self here:

What’s relevant here for me in my real life is to reflect these kind of events back to self:

What is terror in my own life, how am I terrorizing myself, my environment and family, what is my own mind-authority and how and when and why it steps in to simply overrule another initiative within me, for instance having an idea about helping that weak man on the road, but then I would think, “What my cool and rich friends would think of me, and anyway I might become dirty while helping him, and he is maybe stinky as well, and anyway, he already survived up to this day, he will be fine, I do not have change, only using credit card”.

Not saying that to give some coins would actually make the world to a better place, but if I have these inner dialogues/frictions, that’s also my responsibility to unify myself about, not accepting any conflict of opposing interests.
It is maybe difficult to have absolute clarity about something, but this should not mean we just give it up – but then I have to be able to change, when I see that I was wrong.

And once I am able to see through my own internal battles, when I am not going into emotional war within when being triggered with a more intense experience, news, condition, but I can stand within clarity, being able to question everything I think, feel, say and do, then I am becoming able to stop self-dishonest patterns I discover, then I can also stop acting/living out those self-dishonesties and change becomes reality.

But if I have these emotional storms, reactions, anger, jealousy, fear, insecurity issues WHILE full blown ‘investigating’ these controversial topics, I might just find what I want to be found, I might bend the information to my own distorted perception.

Instead of judging wars in the world and get emotional, angry or sad, to ask myself – how I am waging war within myself in the first place? What do I resist, fight, want to win, dominate, eradicate, exterminate within with force?
That’s why SELF process is first, not because selfishness is the way – it’s the exact opposite actually. I take responsibility and it can only start with self, otherwise anything else I try to accomplish will be biased with the already accepted and allowed self-dishonesty within.

Self-forgiveness is an awesome self-supporting tool, which is simple, direct and free process to apply.

It encourages to become detail-oriented, by writing/typing it, I slow down, thus emotions do not tend to overwhelm that quickly.
Also supports with humility, to see, that in a simple conversation how many self-dishonesty I can accept, so then I understand that it’s pointless to blame anyone, but to ensure first that I stand within clarity and no influence of any fear, blame or anger.

I dare to give myself a chance, and many state that it’s not their way, style, method – I also never would have thought that this is what I am going to apply for years – this can be more tough sometimes, when realizing some nasty shit within me I covered up with excuses and thus failing with something constantly, but that’s also an indication that I am walking through resistances, limitations.

Also I’ve shouted wolf so many times about what’s real, what’s the solution, the source of best coolness in the world with various methods, groups, techniques, but Self-forgiveness is the most awesome and effective awareness tool I’ve ever encountered and this is what I stand for since almost ten years and still so much to learn and unlearn, discover and change.

At EQAFE, I was able to listen through a LOT of controversial topics, as its being explained in a style, which is like just listening to someone sitting near to me and it’s mind-blowing and also liberating, not only to understand things I always wanted to know, but when I try to apply those supporting points I’ve heard, no matter the topic, I can.

Thus I strongly recommend to check out EQAFE for a new type of library of understanding. https://eqafe.com

For trying out, understanding Self-forgiveness, the mind, consciousness, thoughts, emotions, and how to deal with those and take responsibility for: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 299 From Movies to Transcend Consciousness

img_0679Recently watched some great movies and reflecting back to the systematic nature of Consciousness and how is possible to understand how the human mind works in order to assist and support ourselves with practical change.

First watched the In the Mouth of Madness (1994), then The Manchurian candidate(2004).

Different type, genre and style – yet for me shown the same aspect about human consciousness. I’d suggest to watch both, although the first one is rather a comedy/gory horror/philosophical train ride, the second is a slower, more like peeling off, investigative, conspiracy-related story line, but within both movie, the protagonists recognize that they have been used as a tool within somebody else’s plan who was altering their mind consciousness, utterly and brutally. No more spoilers.

How to create/alter/re-write history/reality/future and how consciousness is actually operating as a system?
Or shall I rephrase to say consciousness is an operating system for the human? Although it’s quite mesmerizing and has deep-ends, it certainly is limited bluntly and when one is awakening, rather painfully, but it is only then to be realized how limited it is;  not just when one is talking smart, streetwise or rephrasing the spiritual mumbo-lingo, but to walk it into and as the physical as the living flesh.

Or all these zombie movies with the walking and re-animated dead…or all those cheesy vampire stories, wherein they are even the good guys, the ones to find as desirable, hot – I mean in this system Everything is a Symbol.
The question is am I asking questions? Am I answering too?

It’s all related to the human mind’s condition, which is within it’s programmability. That’s why we are susceptible to ‘mind control’ and ‘brainwashing’, ‘culture’ and ‘imprinting’, just pick any desire from ‘deep within’ and go out there and try to attain it – or to sneak around our un-worded, background-lurking secret fears what we cannot comprehend, face or even acknowledge.

Human nature is nothing but long and consistent accumulation of pre-conditioning, ‘guided meditation’, ‘group trance’, and a lot of powerlessness, thus spiced up with a lot of survival instinct and fear.

If I look at poor family’s children, their lack of vocabulary, the underdeveloped writing and communication skills in fact determine their actual possibilities to venture in the world system and become so to speak ‘successful’, meaning not becoming grinded into survival and fight for material or even spiritual goals, such as house, car, travel; or overcoming anxiety, shame, phobias and to find inner balance, stability and trust and to live beyond survival and self-interest to actually being able to give back real value to the system.

There are few, who get more rich or find peace emerging from the poor, but it is rare, almost random and one might just say it’s neo-darwinism, as now it’s not about who can kill more and faster, but who can adapt faster and easier into a system of deception, layers of superimposed facades and glimpses of what life could be without compromises, but beyond each of consciousness character, there is vast and lacking emptiness, which to fill, consciousness itself has just a handful, yet powerful tricks and tips at it’s – and thus our – disposal: belief, blame, greed, fear of loss.

Most of the people who claim themselves to be in the ‘awakening state’ praise, eulogize and celebrate consciousness, although it’s quite a cheap trick and it’s nothing more but an elaborate con. Science will show us soon when will starts to pump out more and more ‘environment-and self-aware’ Artificial Intelligence units, such as robots, interfaces, whole systems, what eventually will be designing their own next generation with their superior mathematical and virtualization power and they will analyze, reproduce and evolve how we are built and then everyone will see that consciousness is certainly NOT Life.

It tries to imitate it as close as possible, and definitely can fool the not yet life-aware individual manifestations and expressions of One Life ‘itself’, but to trust in consciousness is really the worst advocate a human can find, because it’s nature is CON itself, therefore it only reflects back our lack of self-trust, self-knowledge, self-honoring and the very experience of being separated from our own life-source as awareness of all what is here in and as existence. Consciousness cannot exist without relationships, and the very points of relationship is which through we are defined, owned, limited. It’s a system.

I used to wonder what movies I really-really like, and just now I realized that the ones what can glimpse up a little more of how consciousness works, it almost ‘feels like’ itself is trying to show us what we are accepting and allowing to be enslaved by.

But only those who really look can see.

The saying of ‘Nothing is what it seems.‘ – or to remain in the ‘movie‘ style – ‘The owls aren’t what they seem.‘.

How to walk through the maze of consciousness and what are those building blocks of it?

I tell a little back story of mine, from where I started to question my own existence…

When I finished university, I was lucky to have a psychologist partner, who was quite open to not only mainstream psychological models and views, but also to more ‘fringe at that time’ ones, such as works of Carl Jung and Andras Feldmar – these two have influenced me to start on my own journey to discover what is beyond my personality, which was extremely frustrating and limited, when I was about 20 years old.

Jung talked about the layers of the human mind, such as unconscious, subconscious, conscious minds and how we are only aware of the conscious mind, yet the other two also influence, direct us, much-much more than we want to acknowledge and understand, and I had an openness to this view since quite early of my own awakening process, often I felt myself to be quite instinct-based being, who had many times experienced life like an animal. It’s a weird comparison, but often I felt myself like that, I was raw and wild within, yet I was able to suppress it, so I could act the nice guy to comply my fear of rejection and failure, but within how I experienced was that beyond my conscious mind, there was some more primal and direct force what was basically pulling the strings within my life and I had no idea how and why.

Feldmar talked about mind-altering substances with which one can have a specific experience of mind-death, from which one can release all what to humans holding onto, such as all kinds of fears, desires, struggles, definitions as in the perception of death, one kind of gives up all, because it’s a total release/explosion/melting down experience and with that he suggested that one can start to investigate what’s beyond the conscious mind who we perceive ourselves to be.

I became quite obsessed with studying the mind according to things currently available at libraries, slowly but surely moving towards eastern and older-culture-based views, practices, in order to explore the whole spectrum of humanity’s available knowledge and information to be able to have deeper understanding and preferably also to find reasons and purpose for my existence. I even tried to find gurus and masters to tell me what to do but that usually did not work, especially when I considered that until I can’t rely to myself – I am still vulnerable to external control, limitation, and I had to ensure that there is a starting point from which I can take my life to my own hands, not to be dependent.

As I was peeling off the layers of my culture, the morality, the inhibition and suppression, I had to realize that there is nothing within me, what cannot be decomposed, understood and released within my perception of who I am or why I do what I do. The constant quest I was on was: WHY? This very thing can help to tumble down to the rabbit hole totally – there is no need any meditation, substance or any altered state – but the decision and application of self-honesty.

I am also going to give an example of how to walk through a pattern within the mind with simply questioning and answering. Many people claim that they need special knowledge, empowerment, mind-altering substance, years of eastern mysticism or shamanic/religious/trance rituals to perform in order to know, be empowered with or understand a more, deeper level of how reality actually works.

That’s not true, actually it’s quite the opposite – the more someone indulges into these kind of agendas, the merrier these will influence and alter the person’s perception and even the starting point and it’s tricky, because most of them contain some relevance to facts, but only partially – and I have made the mistake of wanting to gather the ‘truth’ from all of them to put together – it’s too tedious, exhausting and quite unnecessary to do so. Not even mentioning that when I recognize my flawed/self-dishonest acceptance of myself – how could I trust myself to recognize what’s relevant/good within what? First I have to purify and decompose to have to ensure the purity and effectiveness of letting go patterns of self-limitations.

To transcend, we do not need any technology/religion/spirituality – only self-honesty and to be able to question + answer and forgive for ourselves our accepted mistakes, meaning not to regret, but to understand the consequences, to recognize the tendency before participating, preventing and giving space and time to something new and also the commitment to stop those mistakes, fears, delusions and finding practical ways to actually become that forgiveness, that commitment, that living action. It’s as simple as 1+1=2.

Forgiveness is not just to turn a blind eye on something bad/unjust/selfish/evil – it does not make any sense if it’s not really lived into action – that’s why forgiving to others does not make much sense either if the person does not change – they have to forgive for themselves. The same way with my own self-dishonesty – fear is self-dishonesty. Self-interest is self-dishonesty, because it’s also based on fear of loss, although it does not mean to sacrifice myself with no reason. Self-honesty is also practical common sense…

img_6035So for a relevant point for myself today:
I don’t feel like continuing with my video making.
Why?
I feel like it’s a waste of time.
Why?
I think it’s not going to be that good that I would define as worthy.
Why?
I think I imagined perfectly, but turns out that it will be mediocre.
Why?
Because I’ve defined this, because of this and that, to be mediocre.
Why?
Because I’ve used previously seen artworks, movies, I’ve seen in TV, VHS, Cinemas.
Why?
Because I’ve defined that is quality and that I wanted to be able to create.
Why?
Because I want to become successful and respected.
Why?

Because I have to prove to myself and the world that I am good enough.
Why?
Because I grew up with the fear that I am not good enough.
Why?
Because I have experienced falls and failures during my childhood what felt horrible and could not let it go.
Why?
Because I’ve created a system within me what charges energy when feeling bad, shit, horrible and that fuels a motivation to become better.
Why?
Because I do not want to fail again, it’s so horrible, I have to work hard to avoid it.
Why?
Because I experience negative things and I become influenced by negative things, the way I do not like it.
Why?
Because I start defining myself according to what and how I experience.
Why?
Because I identified myself with what I experience in my mind according to what I define and judge automatically.
Why?
Because I have this separation in my mind which through I can polarize as positive or negative based on my interest in regarding to all my judgments and memories.
Why?
Because this way I can apparently use the past to not make the mistakes again in the future.
Why?
Because I fear from making mistakes, thus rather not even move to avoid it at all costs.
Why?
Because I fear that I can’t change and expand, thus I have to avoid specific experiences/conditions/situations to keep my mind-state to not be faced with the inability to change.
Why?
Because then I become frustrated and by I focus to the frustration and not even looking it’s source anymore, so basically become distracted by the reaction and not seeing the point.
Why?
Because then I do not see the problem directly, thus not even being capable of solving it, thus I can remain ‘hiding’ behind false resistances.
Why?
Because I have experiences and memories when tried to push through resistances and I given up.
Why?
Because I started to lose the stability of what I’ve defined as my mind, and without that I was becoming more uncertain.
Why?
Because I did not give direction to myself, thus I was exposed to random things and I felt myself being unstable, and not realized that what I experience as polarity system of stability/instability – is not me, but my mind system, and then as I identified myself with it, I started to protect it by justifications and excuses, why I give up freedom from conditioning.
Why?
Because then I do not have to be aware of the exact point I justify being resisted to, I still can be ignorant.
Why?
Because I fear from unknown, because then I will not have any judgment, memory, polarity, definition, rule, idea to help me to face it, I would be totally vulnerable, naked and that is scary.
Why?
Because I could lose myself, I could lose things I hold onto.
Why?
Because I do not know what will happen and I fear from that.
Why?
Because within facing the unknown, I would face with myself and that scares me.
Why?
Because I do not want to face and experience and know myself without any extra layer.
Why?
Because I fear from realizing who I am here, what I have became, what I would experience or do.
Why?
Because I do not trust myself.
And this can be continued – see – there is no need to pray for gods for years, to say mantras for months, to dance in trance for a day, to take psychedelic drugs for hours to go deeper into my mind, to find understanding, reality itself. I mean, one can do these for fun or exploration, but for self-realization, self-support, self-growth, self-liberation, certainly not.

Although personally I’ve made the decision to not continue with those, once found self-honest writing and self-forgiveness this powerful for real change – as it’s very direct: I only have to honestly question and answer to myself. No gurus, teachings, imaginary friends, other worlds relevant – there could be cool stories about what might have been, but what’s relevant is what is here in my current here and present moment. Always. Sometimes I still dance to trance music, but just for self-expression, no expectation, no drugs, no alcohol, but physical presence. But even in relation to that I had to walk through a decomposition phase and let go all the concepts in my mind what stood in the way of being really present on the dance floor. Why I want to intensify? Why I want to ‘get through’, Why exactly is not good currently? What do I experience? How it’s being triggered? What do I resist? What do I fear?

That’s why kids also ask ‘Why?‘ – and we get fed up and stop answering – and maybe at the exact same point where our resistances/fears stopped us to explore further. Of course one parent can say: ‘just being annoyed and don’t have time for this/feeling tired/busy‘ – but if really that is the case, one should reconsider and start using the opportunity to walk this process with the child to ask and answer – this way also teaching by example…

That is challenging, and at points you might experience resistance towards asking the right and direct questions, especially wherein already have been some ‘unsuccessful’ imprinting within the past.
Resistance might come up as an idea of ‘oh, I have to do this or that’ – and jumping away, like a distraction – remember, we’ve been mastering our ability to have excuse to remain limited and fearful, powerless and doubtful to the point of never really being absolutely honest with ourselves. That’s about to change.

Write down the question to not forget and focus to the resistance, name it, word it’s physical experience too and it’s already being tamed, as I write, type the characters, write with the pen, forming the letters – my mind slows down, I focus to the physical expression of writing, and I see one point at a time – this way I can really see the things coming up within me. And as I word the experiences, I can dig further, start investigating. When a resistance dissolves, I can continue with the point I started to walk through.

Why I resist understanding why I keep becoming shy and suppressing, worrisome and awkward near to women who I feel attraction towards?

img_5642I fear that if I make a mistake or do stupid things, the person who I am attracted to might judge me as unworthy of wanting to continue to be with, to spend time with, etc.
Why I fear that?
Because I feel like I have something to lose and it depends on my actions and I remember how I screwed up similar situation in the past.
Why?
Because I do not trust myself who I am without ‘behaving the way I think she would be attracted to me’
Why?
I trust within personality patterns, tactics, not myself, because my memory tells me that I was a loser
Why?
Because I made mistake and I’ve defined myself according to that mistake. Then I trust that condition and situation as to be remembered to avoid next accident.
Why?

Okay, this is just an example, but see – this also can be looked at as a skill – which then can be learned, and it’s essential to real understanding.

Here Self-forgiveness can give a new perspective – not just with understanding, but already taking responsibility within realizing how this was not self-honest – and thus expressing my decision to stop this pattern, start changing myself as realizing I can do it. Or if not, then I ask and answer more. Until it’s clear, here.

For instance I apply:

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized why exactly I do not trust myself in all ways, situations, conditions and never considered to decide to understand and thus being able to discover what to do in order to trust myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within participating the fear of failure, I’ve focused to the emotional reaction of that fear, instead of the actual subject of my fear, which is to not make the video or make it but not being the level of quality I want to do.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that without making it, even allowing to make mistakes, I do not fear, I do not expand, I do not understand, thus realizing making mistake is part of the process, and within that I forgive myself that I have identified myself with the experience, the reaction to making mistake, and thus defining myself with and as the mistake, and thus wanting to avoid it and within that, not moving, not expanding, not living.

See – this is how one awakens, not with repeating a mantra and feel energies in the stomach and get high.
Or at least this is much more direct and obvious way. I can choose to start trusting myself by running in the forest with blindfolded eyes or to use a torch and see directly. Weird analogy, but anyway. Always ask questions, and answer them – and if you cannot, ask for support from the ones who are proving to be able to walk the mind, such as buddies at the Desteni I Process online course. I’ve go so many support from this online ‘school’, that is extraordinary. That’s why I share these words also – as it might support others too, certainly would do if one is applying 100%. The key is consistent application.

When I stop the flow of this questioning, there is a judgement, or a justification, to have an excuse why I ‘do not have to’ continue digging, asking, understanding – and that is certainly a point of self-dishonesty, what can and should be further investigated and stopped participating within and to continue the expansion.
See – words are specific, words are powerful elements of our mind consciousness, thus it’s really suggested to get to know our own definitions of words, our relationships, associated memories, feelings to specific words – they might not been set-up the most effective/supporting way, maybe I was influenced by tremendous fear in the moment I concluded something in my past, which never re-visited, thus I still carry that in my personality.
And such as the brick wall of human development: most children are special, talented, artistic and smart, and as their brick wall is being built word by word – one or two ‘flawed’ construct will not cause huge problem, but as the building is being built, those at the foundation level will have to carry a much more weight and that’s why it’s specific the first years to have the greatest parenting, education possible…

Later it’s much more work to decompose the person-s building blocks to dig out which are the faulty ones, that’s why each parent wants the best for their children, but within the current human system, it’s limited by the values humans agreed upon, most of the people have no money for proper education for their children, or having no time to support their children, and this rolls forward generation by generation of human consciousness.

That’s for now about my rant on consciousness, just let me add two more TV series in relation to it:

I’d also suggest to check out the 2016 version of Westworld, as it also tells a story about that – creation of consciousness systems.

I’d even add Humans(2015) TV Series too.

Both has A.I, what goes through a sort of gaining consciousness and struggling with decisions about what awareness should mean or to be applied as, what is purpose and going through a journey of who they really are.

I’ve found these latter two also quite specific to understand how human consciousness systems have been sort of engineered, pre-programmed, controlled and used for enslavement.

It’s very specific to watch through Westworld Season 1 and to recognize the similarities of human’s mind consciousness systems and the ‘hosts’ journey there.

The very point from where ‘they gain full consciousness’ – is quite irrelevant, but from that moment, if we start really honestly investigating and comparing ‘them’ to actual humans – the differences is merely technological/biological, but philosophically, spiritually and existentially there is(or will be) no difference.

There is even a fun moment within a scene(I think in Humans 2nd season), where an A.I says that humans are countless, like pests, they are worthless and the real value is them(the self-conscious robots), because it’s new, rare and much more promising in terms of what still can become, meanwhile humans are already what they are – and within that quite limited, flawed and even possibly doomed by their own hands too due to self- and environmental destruction by greed and power, which are in a way also quite meaningless – philosophically speaking, of course.

So, to understand consciousness, to understand our own mind, personality, the way we can be influenced, changed is crucial to become really aware of what we are, what are the consequences we manifested and how to start accumulating a real awakening, not just one within consciousness, but beyond, and certainly more directly.

To further challenge with one point: the human flesh is way more superior than consciousness itself, just to start with. Consider that what organization, billions of cell’s unified work has to be done in each moments for a human to function. Are we aware of that? Consciousness itself is also just a halo, a net, a layer over the body – . Imagine if you would go thinking about that cute girl from yesterday, you would be so far away, that you would forget to breathe and the brain would stop functioning…That would be weird…Many think that’s an advantage, but honestly, we are just as unaware as our other parts of consciousness we are also unaware of. And luckily we have these physical bodies, what are consistent, alive, always present, while our mind can shift into spaces/times here and there, and there is no continuity, only within it’s constant change, while the body’s heart beats, breathes, and these represent a consistent location, the only stable point within the whole universe we can and should to consider as starting point, a real location and relevant point to start taking responsibility for in relation to each of our individual life, social networks, family, friends, bracket of reality to see what are the potentials and where I can ask the right question to answer to unlock myself from any limitation I’ve allowed to physically become. Walk this process and see that consciousness is not just limited, slow and annoying – it is our one aspect we must transcend before embracing life itself as ourselves as equal as one.

I do not preach about Self-forgiveness and Self-honesty, Writing and asking/answering questions – anyone can state immediately that: “It’s not my style/way” – although one has to be really honest to see if it’s not justification and excuse. Many, like I did, often have to go through extreme amount of out of ordinary and I’d even say dangerous experiences to lose almost everything multiple times and to recognize that – again – I’ve a huge mistake – although mistakes are part of the process, it does not mean one has to timeloop until extreme frustration and pain, anger and even self-hatred emerges. Do not believe what I wrote, investigate and walk your journey to life yourself. Everyone is unique, but the things we have to transcend is quite the equal, the same: our own mind consciousness system limitation fear mechanism. Just a cool reference point to not get cocky and remain humble and to give as we would like to receive.

It is certainly a great way is to look at world events, movies, stories, products and systems to always start with reflecting back to self – what this tells about ME, what I have not yet seen, understood – thus not going into blame, projection, separation to find problems ‘out there’ immediately, but to see within, what is or could be my own responsibility in relation to this point I am facing currently?

For more, check out EQAFE – to learn about consciousness, existence, life with unique audio books.

To learn about Words, how to support our living to be more alive, I’d suggest to go to

http://schoolofultimateliving.com/

Enjoy, share, live!

Day 288 – Presence exploration share

This is rather an experimental approach on sharing, maybe too personal, but I find these mini-sessions ‘with me’ supportive.

img_0100

I find myself here.

I have a direction, but not too obsessive, but kind of enthusiastic. I have a focus here, feeling, hearing the breath, but not becoming preoccupied with it’s sensation.
I feel the gravity, the points of my body being supported by the chair I am sitting within, my sole too, but it’s balanced out with my straightening effort to keep me vertical.

I merely observe this phenomenon that I am here, no tiredness, no worry, no desire in particular, the only thing what I see within is this silent initiation from which I express, move out here directly.

I still feel that there are layers behind of this dark point my expression emerges from, as I can sense some conscious participation in the mind, but at this moment it’s all right. I am not here to judge, but explore, embrace and discover.

What reaction I can already expose is this weird sensation, faithful conviction of that this presence, moment, expression and experience is significant and fragile.

Sometimes I just find myself totally dropping all my personality and be within this presence. It’s shy, humble and light, but accumulates each time surfacing into ever greater self-trust and physical direction.

This used to be quite scary, dreadful, horrifying experience, back there, when I was experimenting with the no judgement, and used to take massive amount of psychedelics to suppress my ability to judge and define, but after a while I also had to realize that this also suppressed my deepening of understanding of actual self-sabotage required to take initiative to stop and change the actual self-suppression I’ve defined myself to be who I am.

I am ready to die, am I? I am letting go everything I have, I did, said, felt and experienced. I do not need anything.

Yes, but…

No. I am here.

I do even stop from time to time within writing this as finding proper English words. Why do I write in this language, in my first language, I would be much more fluid, effective. but I want more people to be able to possibly reach. It’s alright for now.

There was a slight moment of reaction of what if I stop, I lose the momentum, the presence, the gentle yet firm direction of me being here, with basically no chance to be distracted from this self-respect, and by that I could just go into this inner mini-battle of taking myself apart with cold thinking of ‘if I worry of losing it, then I already lost it, never even had’.

And I recognize the pattern, I stop, and I re-align.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to doubt myself, to not name, word the origin, the relationship of this doubt, but reacting to it, following it and giving up presence and direction without actually considering what would be the solution for this fear to dissolve, stop, remove and transcend.

I do even say this aloud to feel the words, to speak, to be the words and be the sounding of this expression. Within sounding it, I see that the sentence required one more word, so adding it. Then I say it aloud again. I feel that there is energetic movement within my body, I say it again and focusing to this energy, to what word it originates from and why…

Yes I see it now, the specificity. I need to be more specific, like also to see the tendency where my reaction would take me, want to specify to also see and be able to mark with another self-forgiveness, to be absolutely sure that I am aware of not just the trigger point, but also the pattern of this and it’s consequence, so then I can ensure that next time I recognize that it’s in fact best to avoid this pattern.

This can go on for a while, there are hundreds of patterns within the mind, intertwined, interconnected and interdependent with many more and I have to be able to sail through with sane, present and directive self-movement without being washed away from what I face, discover.

Writing is great, I always can stop and take a breath, feel it, the physical, the gravity, the senses and when I am ‘solid’ again, I continue, write more.

This is magic, alchemy at it’s best as the limit is only on me, because with writing I can not only understand but also change my own nature of who I am today. Step by step, word by word.

That’s why these Journey to Life blogs, for several years, many of us committed to write, share and walk the realizations into actual, physical change.

Feeling the throbbing of the blood in my palms when I stop, allowing the body to breathe, and I am in and as this breath.

I acknowledge the gift I give for myself to be with me in this moment and to see what is here, what’s up, what’s going on.

I look for tiredness, exhaustion, heaviness in the body and at the moment I do not feel it. I am free from it, so I look, where this ‘expected heaviness’ is coming from and I see memories coming up when I feel my palms being exhausted, tired of all the things I’ve done with it, when I was doing things I did not want to, but felt compelled, when I had stress and did not relax it for hours and days, and I feel in the muscles that it’s there, but at the same time not today, so I continue exploring.

I check my chest, what is causing me to sometimes feel this acidic experience, coming up from my stomach and it’s judgements and stress. That can cause to feel this out of balance experience and feeling like my body is burning, it should have this PH negative ‘force’ from somehow to balance out this energy, what influences me, pushes me, and it’s of fear, I see, when I worry of not being able to see how I am going to do what I would like, when I feel confined by the things I created in my life, then I can have this self-burning, self-eating, suppressing self-judgement energetic experience. But also, not today.

I do not feel the chest heaviness, it feels like there is this specific point where it would be a strong pressure point and I would feel like I am breathing through that narrow point, almost like I have to force my breath to have a ‘full breath’ experience and even sometimes feeling like the breath is stuck in my chest, so I have to ‘practice’ and ‘loosen up’ to be able to breath one good ‘sigh’.

This is also a memory, as I am breathing normally, yet I see this signature in my breath, it’s something I have to work actively on seeing all the patterns, dimensions and memories, word relationships, external situations and conditions specifically to un-learn this resonant anxiety and fear, to then being able to solve those problems within I can have these experiences.

Of course my situation is quite easy in terms of I do not live in a war-shattered city as many do in Syria for instance, I have food, shelter, work for money, even free time, but I do not compare, I do not judge, I rather embrace and acknowledge here.

I move my attention to my feet, my toes: one is resting on another, it seems comfortable at first, but as I spend more time, about several minutes, the one is holding the another’s weight starts to feel pressured, so it’s like one leg feels really comfortable, but another starts to feel equally uncomfortable. Interesting. I put them both on their soles and it’s immediately better. Although I feel that there is tension on my knees, so I just focus there, give them one-two breath attentions and now they are both relaxed. Great.

I feel this energy spreading on my lower spine, rather on the right side and I see, there was a slight moment of observing myself from a mental point of view, rather like a quick self-judgement of…maybe irony, but not real, rather as an aesthetic categorizing imagination of this being in a film scene and before defining it to be cool, I let it go, I breathe…

I feel my mouth and face frowned for a reason I am not entirely sure, so by acknowledging I am not aware of why I did, it’s almost like I could and should know, just at this moment apparently can’t word it out. And by acknowledging that acknowledging, I look up and take another big sigh.

See, this presence is like a meditation, a mind-serialization, when really slowing down to see the tremendous amount of processes one can easily be overwhelmed by and it’s just the first step to become aware of the mind and the fact that I am not always doing the best possible, or when I ‘think’ that I do, I also write down the reasons I would ‘believe’ that I do the best possible, and to see if those are excuses and justifications only or I am really, fully being aware of what and why I feel, think and do.
This is rather an exploration and a rant on presence, but I am sure you only can know yourself, when you are present, empty and embracing without any judgement. That’s what I suggest to explore. Well, it’s not always easy, but remember, whatever comes up, it’s you. Deal with it. See, decide, explore if you can live with it or you might find it as limiting/annoying or even self-deceiving – then you understand it more and stop it, change it, and thus you, bit by bit, breath by breath: changing yourself and with that the world! That’s THE Way. Enjoy.

Day 283 – Consciousness is less than we think

fraToday I reflect to this article I bookmarked quite some time before:

Consciousness has less control than believed, according to new theory

“Why do you have an urge or thought that you shouldn’t be having? Because, in a sense, the consciousness system doesn’t know that you shouldn’t be thinking about something,” Morsella said. “An urge generator doesn’t know that an urge is irrelevant to other thoughts or ongoing action.”

We say this since quite some years now – consciousness is a consequence of the separation from SELF as physical body presence through polarity, judgement and imaginary fear of loss – thus that’s the real limitation, that should be transcended by investigating our own relationships with the words we react to, we express…it’s common sense actually: how we would try to transcend what is constantly here as substance when we are even unable to understand and stop being limited by our own thoughts, feelings, images and waving emotions and to fully experience and express ourselves through and AS our human body, which is way more aware than our perception through the mind consciousness.
Even mind-blowing drug experiences cannot be trusted as only showing the system and it’s borders, not actual, real power of Self, which is Physical Living Words, what cannot be induced by anything else but decision, understanding, direction and expression as Self. So much to learn and unlearn…

Nothing is what it seems and this is specific to each individual equally – the more tempting to let go of something within your mind, life, which is not common sense, then it’s really great chance that you are conned by your own consciousness system in your mind, that’s a mechanism, not real self, not real at all, but superimposed, organic computer stuff, which sometimes can be handy, and also can be really-really deceitful, totally consumed by self-interest and also highly illogical, inefficient and really destructive if we follow it’s patterns blindly without stopping for a breath and considering what I am actually doing right now…

And this can be quite tricky, because the trend is to getting afraid of possible scenarios of Artificial Intelligence would take over or becoming more smart, do a quantum leap, a singularity, which actually nothing else, but our own mind consciousness system trying to evolve by actually fixing it’s limitations – totally externally, totally separated from self, from the physical, from human body, which might be the end of our path. Who knows? What I’ve found is that we can fix our own mind consciousness with Self-honesty, Self-correction, Responsibility, investigating, re-defining and changing our own relationships with our building blocks of life: words.

The more I am present, empty in my mind and whole, direct and physical so to speak, the more I can embrace, understand and see, feel and experience without the inner mind polarity-based interpretation, self-limitation of self-interest, fear and judgements.

This ‘knowledge’ is quite known since many-many years, yet really-really few people can really understand what it actually means to live like that and how to transform the current ‘human’ into this more direct, self-honest and actually life-aware beingness.

The scriptures, spiritual, religious books are full of contradictions, ignorance, darkness and even nastiness, and when about of actual, down to earth, practical methods, daily applications, they all rely on some belief, energetic accumulation or disregarding some aspects of the full spectrum of human existence.

I’d say, instead of exclusion, investigate all things and keep which is good, what is best for all participant, and that is not really difficult, only have to see the common denominator, what we all require to be supported on the physical level – food, shelter, water, education, health care, real connection, share and care. Which starts with what we have already here: ourselves, thus I start to care about my mind-consciousness – body relationship, my delusions, my fears, my limitations and understand them as who I am currently.
By becoming aware of what I have accepted to manifest as who I am today I acknowledge, but do not stop there, do not define as who I am, because I also see the potential of who I could be without fear, without self-interest, without the mesmerizing hypnotic trance of my thoughts and I decompose the patterns, I give a new chance for myself and thus I stop these patterns and explore what is beyond the consciousness system.

I’ve studied computer science, basically all my life working with programmed and programmable machines and also studied some fuzzy logic – which is word-rule-based system, what is used in machines already and that is also how a human mind is operating.
We keep saying that emotions are so damn valuable and the trademark of our ‘specialness’, which differentiates us from every animal, plant and machines, but if I really look at these also word-based, mostly systematic manifestations within the human mind consciousness – it’s not impossible to program such things, even by humans – it’s just a whole lot more complex and multidimensional system with much more data we ever dealt before in science. But look at the news, we are getting ‘there’ as already mentioned AI(Artificial Intelligence).
As time passes, the less will be needed for skills what we currently think as valuable today – machines take over factory, production, soon driving, transportation, farming, even applying law – the whole stock market is already running under A.I. control, and now military is joining, education, health care.
We are in the process of externalizing all aspects of human the mind consciousness system and then soon – apparently – nothing will remain as -sacred human value- what cannot be programmed into technology – maybe to just prove this very point that we are none of our dearly held values we imagine as who we think we are.

I am not against technology, hell no, but real awareness, actual care for LIFE – can be found if we, as organic human body beings start trusting to become with physical substance directly, without consciousness, without thoughts, not separated by words and reactions, but unified, become equal with the words we think, we say and express.

That is quite doable, I am part of this group, called Desteni, whereat individuals are understanding consciousness, it’s limitations, it’s programmability, it’s ‘place within our life’ and what is beyond that and how to learn and change our so-called ‘unchangeable’ human nature, which at the moment seems to be self-destructive.
The very fact that there are rarely human individuals who really care and consider the fact that our living environment we are destroying is a proof that they are identified and placed themselves within and as the consciousness, not here in and as Earth.
It’s not a judgement, but those who do not take responsibility for all what is happening on this planet, in this human-ruled system – are still in the self-limited hypnotic trance of consciousness systems and it’s not a game, each and every single human being is equally manifesting irreversible consequences in every second, thus it’s common sense to take responsibility also for those who are still trapped in the ‘won’t or can’t‘.

There is an online –free– course which can support with taking the first steps of understanding consciousness and to realize there is so much more beyond it…

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

So…investigate, be self-honest and blow your mind one breath- and step – at a time. Enjoy!

Day 272 – Why Presence?

DSC_0398Presence

Something I always tried to push myself into, or explode myself out to and eventually realizing that it is something what only can be accumulated with stable, constant and consistent self-direction here, in and as the physical.

By releasing the delusions of perception of superiority of consciousness and the self-righteousness of trusting and listening to, following and being subjected to thoughts, I start to see the energy in my mind, which animates me, what defines me, what has this false purpose and reasoning, which can be decomposed, understood, realized and purified from my living with actual presence here.

The expression of ‘who I am is what is here’ is more profound than most of the humans can conceive and the actual truth is hidden in plain sight as all the things I do not know is also here, right in front of my eyes, but when I am constantly busy, distracted and completely occupied with the self-induced, self-accepted judgments, reactions and energetic experiences, then I am not able to grasp how my mind actually works.

The surprise is that the more I am actually giving up from the personality, self-definitions, the obligation to participate within thoughts, feelings and emotions, the more present and free I can become.

Then I am less automatic, which might seem as more uncomfortable, because it means I have to be present and really aware at the situations, moments, experiences and actions what I previously defined as mundane, avoidable, uncomfortable or even horrible – and that self-protection, what actually turned out to become completely justified self-interest, regardless of how I labelled it.

Especially imperative to realize that the actual self-abdication I’ve participated within during ‘abandoning’ my direct presence within those self-labelled mundane/avoidable/uncomfortable/horrible situations and experiences did not really liberate me from all the energetic reactions of my self-acceptance and actual suppression of standing up to what is not good, but only supported the evolution of the mind and the religion of self, within which I deliberately perfected the self-delusion about how things are and what is really going on and actually why.

The very idea of seeking the truth and finding answers is the actual and obvious reflection of how truly and vastly lost we can be within our mind consciousness experiences, thus the re-definition and re-alignment from consciousness to awareness is a practical common sense decision I dedicate my existence to as honouring life within myself and all equally.

I did not yet find the ‘end’ or ‘limitation’ to presence, wherein I could truly and absolutely self-honestly state out with all of my cells completely unified expressing that: I am HERE.

The more I stop the participation within the pattern of my mind, the less I am occupied with distractions and reactions ‘making me’ short-sighted within self-realization, thus the recognition and decomposition of my existing relationships with all the words I react to, use and express is the best practical way to start accumulating practical understanding of who I am.

It’s a fascinating process and the more I empty my mind, the more I can embrace of what is going on here, within myself, within my body and around me as well. The less I participate and react to thoughts, the more I can discover about things as how they are without my preconceived judgments.

Not to judge, not to self-define with what I see, realize and understand, but keep decomposing, releasing and forgiving for what I have accepted and allowed and keep exploring and expressing and unifying myself with this physical presence in and as my human body as the expression of life as equal as one without judgement, without desire and without fear, but to directly live, share and express.

Every day I discover something new, just within my human physical body, how the blood flows through my veins, feeling the breath, at nostrils, the sound of it, the muscles, feel of the gravity, the weight, the air on my skin, it’s a vast array of impression here in every moment, which can be so easily dismissed while becoming angry at something(which is in fact always of myself for something actually) or becoming obsessed with what I want or not want, meanwhile not realizing that I only move within limited patterns, determined and suggested by my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

To give up thinking people might believe I mean ‘critical thinking’ or ‘common sense’, which I certainly not, but rather to stop listening to the inner conversations, the backchat, which is just to justify something self-interested and then to react to it with positive or negative energetic reactions, to use the thoughts to process and conclude things, based on my past judgments and get boosted up, convinced or completely disturbed by something which is absolutely imaginary.

Yet, many people can recognize and imagine the advantages to be able to just turn off thoughts when becoming annoying or distracting, or even for someone to stop the really creepy and dreadful thoughts entering their minds – and also within many profession or sport: – it’s really important to be able to turn thoughts off, for instance while driving a sport car or just enjoying sex – no thoughts is required and if I allow them to just pop up constantly, I might get into trouble about my driving or the actual enjoyment and pleasing of my partner…

Emotions and feelings to give up might seem as a bigger chunk, especially for those, who cannot imagine life without emotions, because they believe that is required to really enjoy and become passionate about, however within investigating the mind, self and consciousness, these are also limited forms of experiences and are tainted with energy of the mind, which is like a liquid separation from directly experiencing and living the words themselves as self here and rather relying on definitions, polarity and self-interest.

Instead of feeling love, I redefine love as something to be expressed and shared.
Instead of feeling joy, I redefine enjoyment as something to be express and experienced with direct participation.

Instead of being angry, I redefine anger as something what I feel obliged to be separated from based on the perception of not being good for me, thus showing me what I should investigate, fully understand and to see if I am really self-honest about this and if concluding that it’s really not good, then to take responsibility for find practical solution to stop it or prevent it – for instance if I am angry for corporations what pollute the oceans then to actually research and find out what would matter to do something, as my anger as emotion is not supporting and rather making me less powerful, because I keep accepting the thing and internalizing instead of start doing something.

And so on, the relationships to words can determine how I perceive, experience and express myself.

That’s why self-forgiveness is a really powerful tool, to become aware of what I have already accepted and now taking responsibility for not only understanding, but figuring out what would actually be practical solution to prevent myself participating within next time or start applying solutions for the problems already manifested.

In my next post I will share an audio recording continuing sharing some points about the topic of ‘Presence’…

DESTENI I PROCESS ONLINE SELF-SUPPORT COURSE

Re-defining words support from School of Ultimate Living

Day 268 – Contemplating on existence

IMG_2667Today I start with by my observations of my external reality and then reflecting it back to self here.

So many impressions I have every day and so many things seem so solid, blunt and direct, which is obviously the physical world we live within, the infrastructure and human system for instance – industry, development, mass traffic and transit, very simple and also highly sophisticated machinery, everything being animated with lazy precision, each part of this massive system apparently exactly knows what’s its purpose and where it is going.

Myself also, I every day drive out from the village area, through a little town into the capital city, climbing a small mountain on a thin road and then descending towards the bridge of the river and by crossing it reaching the heart of the city, where I drive into the underground parking garage of the office where I work.
Permeating so many things and often wondering, apparently everyone exactly KNOWS what they are doing, where are going and I would think that they also are aware of the WHY too.
It’s interesting that in the city, everyone seems to be in a hurry and not really liking when being held up, so in this sense, there is not much spontaneity or randomness. Everyone is highly scheduled and constantly occupied with where they have to go, so then they just do, almost like – automatically.
Obviously, if I am sick, I go to doctor, if I need to buy a wheelbarrow, I go to the store, that is a no-brainer.

I like to imagine the idea of that I actually had a decision before doing an action, or in this example: finding the need to be somewhere else before starting to go there.

Since my childhood, I always wondered: what keeps this system alive, where to look to find the deeper meaning, the origin point of this apparently automatic pre-occupation of everyone so to speak.

When I started to work on peeling off the onion of my own mind personality, a dreadful realization hit me, that most beings in this existence simply keep going in the same patterns based on a fear or hope: fear from ceasing to exist, fear from the unknown, and a hope to find a better future, a better one than what we have right here and now.

Simply asking myself: Why I go to work – I need the money to have food and shelter, to express myself, to share myself, to basically buy a life which is not bad and be able to work on the projects I feel I need to do.
Why I go to a party? To enjoy myself and others, to be entertained, to have fascinating experiences. For instance.

What I noticed and still keep noticing since many years is that from outside it’s so obvious, certain and determined, but when I really look at my options, there can be uncertainty, doubt, even anxiety, which I might not even realize, but throughout the years, my human physical body is picking these up and ‘keeping them for me’ and by this accumulation starting to show signs of imperfection.

Many people around me has physical or even mental problems and they keep asking ‘why’ and ‘how to stop’ and it’s so inherent within all of us to accept and embrace, endure and allow the circumstances and consequences we face to determine the patterns we are headed to continue within.

When I was really troubled back there, before started to walk the self-support of Desteni I Process and Self-forgiveness and to give up the false ideas in my head – I often felt that something is wrong here, with me, with the world, but I could not word it, though it was right in front of my eyes, I just could not see.

The very essence of our perception, the capacity to perceive, notice, see, process and understand things, ourselves and each other is where we omit to focus, just like as the sword can’t cut itself, the camera can’t record itself – with our already developed, formed, habituated and matured personality and mind consciousness: we are unable to see that, which with we identified ourselves with, thus literally not seeing the forest from the tree so to speak.

Might seem as a cliche to quote from The Matrix movie, but I really agree with this:

“…The Matrix is everywhere, it is all around us, even now in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes. It is the world, that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth. What truth? That you are a slave, Neo.
Like everyone else, you were born into bondage, born into a prison that you cannot smell or taste or touch, a prison for your mind…”

We cannot see what we are became as it is part of our self-definition, even if it’s extreme self-limitation. So many examples are here – just like how ‘natural’ to teach war and destruction, abuse and genocide to kids, it’s shocking and we justify it by saying ‘it’s the truth’ – yes it is, but it does not mean we should accept as our nature, as based on common sense, proven studies: human nature actually can be changed as it is of the mind consciousness, what is programmable by words, thus each one’s responsibility to understand and re-align the mind to step out our self-created mind-matrix-prison.
The study of the human mind consciousness system – because it is a systematic manifestation – is essential here in order to gain a really aware momentum about where we are coming from, what are we doing and where we are going to. Beyond the endless cycles of daily routines.

Mostly only those wonder about how to change their life who are suffering – the happy people seem to remain intact with their personal bubble of life, which really questions the validation and justification of their own interest for maintaining their pursuit for good experiences without wanting to see the consequences of their actions to everybody else.

Regardless of how ridiculous it sounds – I really worked hard on letting go this obsession with happiness, because it’s merely a mirage – simply the capacity to find something within my mind by which I can feel good and then get things done in reality to induce it. Individualism, liberalism, free choice people can refer this – for me it’s self-deception, because it relies to self-definitions, judgements, convictions and whenever I really scratch these within myself, always finding a lot of layers which beyond there is just some fear.

To commit myself to live without any fear – this is worthy of stating, sounding and sharing. I used to be a some sort of ‘daredevil’ – to chase out specific fears in my mind and then forcing myself to go through these experiences by inducing and creating circumstances where I could face these and do which I had the resistances to – seemed like I sermonized fear itself and showed who is the boss and convincing myself that I do not fear, just to actually justify not to see what I really fear from, which is always the same for everyone: the unknown, which is actually SELF HERE.

How ridiculous it sounds that I would fear from who I am already here, but when letting go all excuses, thoughts, feelings, emotions with their own limited, binary system of positive and negative, it is common sense: I am already here, regardless of what I think or feel, I already act, cause consequences, create and manifest what’s coming next, so why even bother to listen to these thoughts, feelings, emotions I’ve been subjected in my past and now echoing back? If I really ask why, then it’s obvious: because I do not know, I do not dare, I do not feel, I do not see, I do not live directly.

Then I dare to ask why.

See, to pin-point the core problem is not that difficult, even a stoner or a drunk can experience this moment of awareness in a sudden, genuine self-reflection, but knowledge itself is merely useless, because in fact we always already know this shit, we all are aware of that we are not absolutely self-honest and the question is that do we really invest time, effort, work to understand the specificity and exact detail of our own self-deception to be able to realize the distance we walked away from this simple way of existence: consistent and absolute self-honesty.

I never liked compromises, somehow just can make me mad and edgy, so I make decisions carefully, however what I often do not realize is that the compromises I already made, already integrated into my personality and thus already expressing, animating and ‘living’ by them, of them, as them.

I have realized, that if I go into thinking, listening to back-chat, having inner conversation, dialogue, ‘hearing’ the silent words in my head: I am in fear, not really existing as self-honesty, but of fear, because I do not live directly, I do not realize, see, understand directly, but in a way degrading myself into this binary system of separated self-interest of good and bad, positive and negative, me and them, here and there.

It seems like it’s a spiritual mumbo-jumbo is being indicated here, such as ‘no separation, oneness, everything is equal’ stuff, which would mean that when using mind, thoughts, feelings, emotions is actually inferior, but what if it is indeed?

Who goes into an investigation to reveal the extent of our own self-created limitations, compromises and delusions by our own mind consciousness system in order to start agreeing that thoughts, feelings and emotions, the way we rely to these are really self-dishonest actions?

Science cannot be relied to or trusted as it is animated only by already infected ideas from consciousness systems, such as to prove something or earn profit, lessen or multiply harm based on an INTEREST. And if all not included, it’s not self-honest, as who I am is IN THE REST too, not just ME, as this mind MEME.

The question I asked from myself was: “Am I really free?” And my answer was NO. And then the next question is: “Do I really want to get free? And my answer was, is and will be: YES.

Even the very idea of ‘freedom’ means only one thing: ‘slavery’. In order to even conceive freedom, I have to have it’s opposite.

Also many people I know of eventually state in reflection to freedom: ‘I would like to be free, but I can’t’.
Then the common sense is to ask why and how.

Also often get the answer – “I am a coward, so no, I can’t and probably won’t be free.” – is it really cowardice – to not face the fears we experience, to not answer the questions we have questions for?
I used to directly approach people and within some moments I could ‘feel’ that if the person is willing to and ready to ask the relevant questions and also daring to answer them, as we are the problem, we hold the key to the solution too!
However I also realized that this always starts with self here – am I willing to and actually living this decision to let go the fear?
It is not even the fear we fear – as it’s merely nothing – ridiculous to even think that I would fear from disappearing as if I really would do so – then nothing to fear from actually – I have troubles and then not – what is that strives to continue? Maybe as we feel that there is no escape from facing manifested consequences, maybe we exactly know deep within what is the actual self-dishonesty points we accept to hide behind and that is scary.
But everything can be decomposed within the mind – that is a cool indication of a developed, responsible human being – who can understand the relationships within one’s mind and to ask – is it supporting me and others? And if not, then to see – how can I let go the false ideas, how can I re-define words to be able to live them as myself as supportive and enjoyable, to accumulate consequences from which I do not have to fear and hide?
Certainly worthy of practical consideration. For a while, back there, I believed that this can be supported with mind-altering substances.

I used to use psychedelic drugs in order to push my limits and expand my perception. At least I believed so, however one of the last times I used marijuana since quite some years ago was a very pragmatic experience: I had an insight and I started to ask why I have this experience, and then there was an answer within me, from me, which gave birth to another question and then another answer came and this was going on for a while.

I dared not to stop finding REAL answers within me, from me. That simple self-liberation can be started with.

Yes, there were some uncomfortable, even hurtful and truthful moments of realizations about aspects of myself I discovered as self-dishonest, not so honourable or even weak/spiteful/selfish, but the most important point is to also realize: yes, I am like this today, but does not mean I have to stay so, thus the decision to change I stand up to.

In fact, from that moment I never ‘needed’ any drug anymore – as I realized, I can ask and answer – and if I can’t answer that, then I go deeper and ask why is that and then answer that – and if still can’t, then digging deeper, until the big wall of resistance and ‘mystical’ ‘truths’ starts to be smaller by building bricks of words, and their relationships, energetic reactions and the more I decompose, let go, re-define, the more I can develop this skill to ask and answer directly – no stuff needed, no ritual either, just ‘plain’ self-honesty.

People think that their way of thinking is determined, part of who they really are, but it’s part of a conditioning, pre-programming and can be changed – takes effort and time, but possible if one knows how to walk the path to become self-honest.

This is the moment of Awakening to Purpose – self-honesty and the decision to live it

In a way, I am my own living example of change is possible, even the nasty ones, my substance addiction, fear from responsibility and the most relevant: fear from being here, facing self – can be decomposed as patterns of the mind and to apply self-forgiveness to take responsibility and find practical ways to stop and change my perception, thinking, words and behaviour.

Many people want to change the world to a better place, but it’s imperative to recognize that change must come from within, self, here, otherwise it’s called control and enslavement, which will be then resisted and fought based on the fear of loss, which is the same fear from self changing self and as it’s being resisted, suppressed, individuals keep accumulating to manifest it on the physical level, as there is this saying: what goes around, comes around.
Eventually we have to realize that we have limited ourselves within a closed system, shared by all of us equally.

All I wrote here today was to pronounce that I claim to have a purpose, a direction, a clarity and stability, what I lacked before and it’s still a process, but I always reflect back when I spend a lot of time with other people who obviously stumble,just as I did before and not yet realizing this specific Purpose to accumulate actions to become absolutely self-honest and to live that directly in each moment equally.

Not to jump into conclusions, but happiness is merely a fragile mirage within our own persona and to realize that it is a facade is not a difficult thing if we are willing to include others also into the life-equation here.

How can I justify to build and maintain my experience of happiness if it costs to other beings suffering?
If we really look at how the current world system has built, it is really interconnected through money, economy, law, corporations, etc…even if I do not admit it and I ‘just try to stay cool under the radar’ – I am participant of the ‘Matrix’, the big system, what seems so giant that if we compare ourselves to, we feel powerless, but only because we did not yet research the actual accumulation and consequence each individual ‘sacrifices’ to this system in order to maintain their own bubble of self-interested existence. Except there is a limit and eventually noone will be able to hide or escape from all what we caused within existence, so better to stand up here and now today and take responsibility.

Excuses everyone can have, but to not stand up to what could be better is ‘highly illogical’, as we will all die anyway, so to fear from being destroyed by those who already have the power and want to keep it – it’s all in reverse.
We feel that we should respect to have the meaning of our life by at least trying to enjoy it, but in fact what we ‘feel’ and ‘experience’ is really meaningless, because will not accumulate to what is best for all others, therefore one day will come back inevitably.

Even if the answer here is that ‘our very existence is cannibalistic, we kill and eat other animals/plants’ does not justify to abuse other humans, to marginalize, exclude and disregard any children, who are we all know innocent and will become rotten of our systematic joke of ‘civilization’, wherein up to this day genocide, annihilation and extinction is our subtitle if we dare to be honest of what humans are really doing on this Earth.

Yes, there are nice moments, beautiful playground experiences, great positive feelings and lots of fun, but most humans do not dare to know what is the price for these and everyone who live in abundant and somewhat happy life are part of the elite, while 4/5 of the human population never actually lives but survives day by day with bitter hope, building anger and hunger for revenge.
And also yes, there is a thin layer of leadership, corporate, banking, law and military ruling class, groups, cabals, who grasp most of the money, military and actual power around here, but they would be literally nothing if people really would stand up to their own self-interest, self-dishonesty and self-limitation and simply starting LIVING and taking responsibility and accumulate what is really best for all participants, which is to stop this.

Maybe I am idealistic, but if I am really self-honest, to accept the current system and justify it as “it was always like this” or “there is no better way” or “it is human nature” – then, this would mean I am still enslaved by my own mind, by my own fear to not be able to think outside of the box and dare to be free, because it’s simple common sense, mathematically prove-able that there could be a system that would support all participants and to be really able to start working to minimize and eventually sort out the abuse, the cannibalism, the hate and fear. Just have to start it and walk the process breath by breath, starting with our own mind, which actually owns us, that’s our debt we all have to pay back if we want to leave the cult of death, simply because living through the mind is certainly not living.

Self-support online course to change self and discover self-honesty: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Self-supporting audio and video: http://eqafe.com

School of Ultimate Living(SOUL): http://schoolofultimateliving.com