Day 332 – Patience and commitment

IMG_2295Continuing with Patience and discipline. This is a kind of ‘ranting’.

Last time I was writing about the inspiration about and to learn to live PATIENCE.

I am currently living patience by consistently applying the things I’ve committed to do every day within a consistent velocity to accumulate the effort until the result is manifested in the physical.

In a way, the topic, the method, the practical detail is not even relevant, but who I am within this and how I perceive, experience, see, feel and am being in general is what I want to focus here tonight.

Interesting to be able to see the abstract – yet still remain 100% practical with ground to earth moments living here in physical.

Patience is pretty much related to the physical flesh, the matter: it’s consistency, in a way – predictability is the perfect self-reflection tool to exactly be able to see who I really am without any consciousness mind noise. Actions speak, facts tell, not thoughts, neither feelings.

Of course, it’s relevant how I feel, but it’s not something to take granted or to use as reference point – especially when dealing with self-dishonesty within.

Every day I ask myself the question – can I do more for what I committed to achieve? And if I say ‘no’ – then I still cross-reference – really? Or I just answer to myself to feel better to hide or disregard or to shadow a point, even if it’s just tiny, of what I still could have tried or done additionally or differently.

Doubting myself would be self-sabotage actually, if I would fall into self-criticism so much, that the resulting reactions, frustrations would distract, obstruct me from remaining on point of effectiveness.

So, I am learning a different kind of patience as before.

And the more I see not being good enough based on the world I interact with, the less I doubt, that I am re-committing myself to continue with my decision to live it within disciplined principle.

In a way, I also can see, that there is this HUGE UNKNOWN at my door all the time, and it’s kind of heart-throbbing, I find myself present with myself, with empty mind, nothing to bring or use with me when facing it, and then I do – and realize – it is myself I discover, face and get to know. Today, literally I had this experience, being totally alone in all of existence, facing this kind of semi-anxiety, yet excitement, and to see that I only can and should trust myself and there is nothing else, so I applied: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get distracted with reactions from what’s here and I wrote words what I direct myself to live and I breathe – and in a minute, it was very stable again. But it was very fascinating to see that if I start to judge, define, relate and compare this ‘self’ experience and expression, I can completely mess it up and thus myself too. But it was alright, to risk, to make mistake, to learn, to discover. And so I did.

And the funny thing about seeing it as scary: it’s because it is suddenly here: everything I always wanted to avoid, hide, escape from, and within walking right into it’s center, another funny thing I realize: that the real scare is not actually facing and embracing my fears, but to discover what is behind them.

I always believed that the undefined is where I will find myself, freedom and power, because all of my definitions I’ve proven to be limited, delusional and self-dishonest. However, the more I decompose of my self-definitions, the merrier it’s common sense to re-define myself in a structured, self- and life-honoring way.

Thus, patience is not something I run out of, discipline is not something I get tired from, or commitment is not something I lose being motivated from, because within the re-definition there is no energy, polarity or self-dishonesty. Why should I define in a way where I am not able to live words the best possible and supportive way? And if still there is something not practical, it will be obvious within applying it and then I re-adjust, re-define, and then re-align within my application until it’s being cross-referenced in the living flesh, in and as this world. Fascinating.

This process, of walking the self-honesty, self-forgiveness and self-purification with words, to re-define the words and to learn how to honour life, self and others equally with common sense is the truth I am sharing, because this is who I am and encouraging everyone to consider, investigate and also invest into, because each of our process is different in their life, but we all are walking the same: from self-limitation to self-honesty and self-liberation.

And if you have method, process, way to be more honest, supportive and caring, please do so, just ensure that you are cross-referencing and be absolutely, even brutally honest with yourself, that you are not deluding with some energy, positive, feeling or hope-based bubble, because eventually all bubbles burst.

It’s so simple: I have thoughts, feelings, emotions – all word-based – and if I can’t describe what I feel, experience with words – it’s already an indication that I am suppressing, not being honest with myself, I am unable to see myself directly – thus means I am separated from myself, I am not the director of my life, I am not honest with myself, therefore I utilize the process with words to discover, establish and get to know what is this thing called ‘me’ exactly.

Writing is great, because I stabilize, I slow down, I focus, I discipline, I direct, I move. And it remains here. Use that, enjoy that, honour that and ask yourself the question:

Is there something you could do better – at all – any tiny thing? Why not doing it, what’s the excuse? Is it valid? How and why?

What do you really want, desire the most, or what you resist, despise or fear the greatest? Why, and how?

These are things I should consider starting with.

Patience is key, no matter what is the topic, but to actually live it, I have to remove distractions, polarities, self-dishonesty. Thus consistent application, every day 3 minutes is great, and if you can’t do, ask why? Is it real? Are you real? Do you want to be?
What’s real? Science, religion would tell? Why? Can’t I figure out, trying to live it?
Why not?
Limitation is not in the physical, it’s in the mind. Deal with that!

In terms of my current ‘real life’ process – I sometimes see distractions, which are like ‘tentacles from my past’ – when I focus to the other person and I start wonder what’s up, I realize, I am not focusing to my responsibilities, thus I breathe, I re-align. And when I am ‘here’ – I can initiate communication, but not with the reaction ‘energy’, rather than with curiosity, to see how can I support and understand more.

This approach also helps to understand that if something is not ‘ideal’ – is that something I can or should ‘fix’ – or it’s just some thought-emotion-pattern temptation I am facing.

For instance to return to the previous example: when I start question about other(s) doing what they should or are doing all right or not – if I go into worry, fear, remember some bad shit memory and I feel falling for even one moment – then I can give into the energy – which is also a cool indication that this is related to something I just participated within.
Thus, to stop, breathe, re-align and to see – what I was thinking, what was the trigger situation, thought, visual or just memory I am automated by to go into distraction.

For-giving myself is like unification with creator, created and creation itself.

Absolutely mind-blowing to do!

And again – distraction also can be turned into gift if I note it, write it down, remember, investigate it, because it’s always a full context, story and often even multi-dimensional pattern or construct I live in my mind. And it mostly distracts, diverts, pulls me away from reality, others, actual situations, thus I should be able to recognize it before I go out of sync with reality.

It might not seem as problematic if it’s just a moment, or more, but as everything in existence: this also accumulates.

Imagine driving and texting together – the more I text, the less I can drive safely and effectively. Maybe I will be all right, maybe I will miss a critical moment to prevent tragedy.

All of this I just mention, because

  • I can ‘work’ on qualities within self from multiple angles: focusing to specific words, situations to open up, understand, forgive and let go the dishonest patterns, re-define and change;
  • and also can focus to do the same with the meanwhile upcoming distractions, temptations, reactions.

The mind can be very throughout to be able to constantly preoccupy my presence, but the more I deal with it, I can realize that the mind is not the enemy, and the more I embrace, understand and be able to change it, the more it is a structured support in terms of when it moves, I don’t thus indicates self-dishonesty in a very systematic way.

And to learn that to read, deal with is essential life-skill, for which DESTENIIPROCESS.COM is crucial.

Re-defining words 

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Day 275 – Suppression to stop

IMG_3827The EQAFE series of Quantum Physical provides exceptional support by looking at the physical manifestation of the self-acceptance and
mind-personalities on the human face.

These interviews are supporting with the point of SUPPRESSION:

https://eqafe.com/p/suppression-eyes-quantum-physical
https://eqafe.com/p/suppression-jawline-chin-quantum-physical
https://eqafe.com/p/suppression-weight-and-puffiness-quantum-physical
https://eqafe.com/p/suppression-self-conscious-quantum-physical

Throughout my life I’ve been working on this point as I have the tendency to swallow and suppress experiences, energetic states, judgments, emotions and basically any kind of points within myself I did not want or could not face, take responsibility for or acknowledge the need for change, justified by various excuses and justifications.

Today the tendency of suppression within me is like 1/100th of what I used to participate within, but still existing, can undermine self-trust and stability, thus it’s something I take responsibility for and work on it actively until it’s gone.

I am going to open up this point slowly as first allowing myself to freely write about suppression, some memories from my past to bring up and then will focus to physical aspect of the act of suppression, what do I feel, experience and see within myself, what are the signs within/on my body when I participate within the mind-patterns of suppression to support myself to prevent participating within it.

It’s not that I consciously want to suppress anything – there were times when I used to, but those times has passed and with walking Process since a while, having the Desteni group as support platform to share and ask, with the exceptionally mindblowing material provided by EQAFE, and the awesome Self-empowering online course of Desteni I Process and it’s buddy support; I am more than ready to face anything within me to take responsibility for, so let’s walk.

Any time you, the reader feeling like can relate, would have something to add or suggest, don’t be shy, that’s why we walk our process openly, so then we can multiply realization and assist each other by cross-referencing the practical knowledge of understanding, correcting and re-defining ourself for good.

Throughout my life of more than 36 years, I’ve never seen any pattern, thought-construct, emotional state, conviction, belief or judgement within myself what I could not open up, decompose and fully understand if I would take the decision, commitment and actual physical time and effort to open up, investigate, word it, write down and understand, thus I am certain that human nature as it is today can be changed, thus humanity as a group of individuals also can be changed with actual, self-honest action, and that’s what I am doing here, starting here, with what I have authority and power over: myself here.

I’ve seen so many people around Desteni to change, to let go their shame, shyness, guilt and powerlessness and emerge as stable, responsible and shining individuals, who’ve became active part of society and actually making a difference with principled living.

I understand that many people have problem with ‘Principle’ as I’ve been there too, but here I am, I am accumulating efforts to consistently live by the principle of self-honesty, self-forgiveness and physical birthing myself as responsible for all as equal as one as myself.

Suppression, as it is, a self-protection mechanism, which, within it’s flawed nature, still reflects back self-acceptance as who I allow myself to be.

There are several physical symptoms, I’ve experienced during my life what indicated, and still today, sometimes coming back saying ‘Hello, I am still here!’ Just to list some up, for instance I had ulcer within my stomach, as I was digesting up myself to the point of self-destruction and for a while that sickness really got me a literal taste of personal hell. At these moments, the digesting acid feels like coming up even to the point of my throat, which was biting the whole swallow area, and literally feeling like ‘acidic’ experience, which was quite uncomfortable. Since I’ve visited Desteni Farm and talked with Resonances through the Portal, I’ve got direct support to recognise this before really happening, so when I allow the mind to really grow on me and going into judgement, emotions, suppressions, to recognise and then let it go and stabilize myself, but I never fully applied decomposition, self-forgiveness and real change to the full extent, so this is also a point to look at here.

Also sometimes I can have the tendency to chew my mouth from within, which seems weird, but somehow when being in stress, tension or exhaustion, this feels like giving some energy, but actually I was again: eating myself up within by constant self-judgement, shame and guilt, literally manifesting it as eating my own flesh up to the point of having little scars in my mouth. The interesting point within that was that once there was some ‘flaw’ in the flesh within, it seemed easier to just continue eating myself and always re-starting before the flesh healing it. Well, this was never extreme, so never had ‘problems’ from it, but within self-honesty, this has never was really stopped.

When I was kid, I used be really a daydreamer, constant thinker, I felt like with the thoughts I actually could virtualise all possible scenarios before any action and think everything through, like ‘simulations’ to run and then what I felt the best, after seeing what to I react the most positive way, I heavily relied to my mind-personality to tell me what to do. This made me awkwardly slow within action and extremely limited within actual communication with others, especially with those, who I really wanted the best to happen with, such as women, or initiative, powerful people.
I was thin, really white skinned boy and among the physically more developed, brown-skinned others, who were much more ‘physical’ and strong, I felt that my only chance is to be really smart, to use my mind, my logic, my ‘processing power’, which I did, and many times it really worked, and gave me the ability to figure out things and also make things more efficiently, but many times really made things much worse, because if worry or fear influenced my reactions or reasoning, I twisted my perception and judgements based on emotions, which I really not like. That’s why I started to develop suppression. In a split second, there is reaction, emotion, vast amount of energy, what was ready to influence my pure, clinical logic of assessing with precision, so then I suppressed it. Like a superhero thing, there is this scar, a bullet hit me, and in the moment feel it, but in the next, I am ‘whole’ again. That I liked, but did not realize that what I suppress, accumulates, and when it’s full within me, then it’s energy, the whole thing comes alive and takes over, I am kind of possessed so to speak and then do stupid things, feeling like being in a rage and wanting to destruct all structure within me – and even sometimes I did hurt others too, luckily not much, but those times I was really ashamed, so then I’ve learnt to use that for energizing the mind with shame to suppress even more to try to ‘perfectly endure’ everything, what would make me unstable or would lose the logical mind.

This made me a great fighter, but only within myself, having enormous battles for control, stability and accepted as my nature – if something can really win an energetic, emotional war within me, then I identified myself with it and even if meanwhile I was unstable on all levels, I stuck with it as felt like this is life, this is who I am and this means to really be alive, but this took me to some really-really unpleasant situations and places on earth, where I had to reconsider that this is not the way I want to live.

Since walking Process, I’ve realized that I do not need to fight, or even resist things as no matter what I learn, reveal, understand or discover within me, I can change, I can change that aspect of myself, so no need to judge myself, no need to fear facing anything, but committing myself to change, finding practical ways to accumulate effort to manifest that change. The very words I think, feel and act are really important to investigate, what do I mean by ‘that’, what do I associate by ‘this’ and where do I see fear, resistance, desire, where I go into emotional reaction and instead of suppression, what can I do to embrace, stop and re-align myself with more direct, self-trusting and self-honest living.

For introduction, this is enough, I will continue more details on suppression to see it from different angles.

In the meantime I really suggest to utilize EQAFE interviews for more understanding on human mind-behavior as it is imperative to take responsibility for our actions and inabilities for the proper actions. Even the price of an interview seems like a lot, within UK, it’s the price of a pack of cigarettes, and also by paying that, one can support the creators of EQAFE, who are dedicated their life relentlessly to record and share as much as possible support. So, for me, those coins really worth the price. And there are many-many hours length of audio books there, which are free, for instance every series/categories are up there, the first 5 is always free.

Equal Life Foundation has many platforms for Education, many are free and providing professional self-support, life-coaching, which seems as fancy, but in fact it’s a million times evolved version of any spiritual/religious/psychological studies I’ve ever found on Earth, so before you judge, give it a try, it’s totally free:http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Thanks, enjoy, bye

Day 271 – Physical integration

DSC_0424After my last post I am continuing with the re-alignment from the conscious mind experience into physical awareness direction.

Scripting some slowing down and preparing for practical change to prevent going into thinking while doing something – specifically some physical activities, such as gardening, dish washing.
When and as I do gardening, such as watering plants, weeding the vegetables, cutting the vegetation, raking the leaves I let go everything else but what I do – slow down within and make the decision to postpone everything else, whatever would bother me or a worry would come up that I would forget to do something if I would not think about it – I stop all and focus to my physical action.

When and as I see that while doing gardening, physical action and thoughts arise in my head about something I worry to forget about – I decide not to follow, react to and I let it go and also decide to remember the point came up and I breathe in and then breathe out and I ‘follow’ my presence, I ensure that I am clear, empty and here and I continue my physical action.

When and as I feel overwhelmed by thoughts while doing something, I drop the thoughts, re-align with breathing here and make the decision to stand HERE within physical presence.

When and as I worry of forgetting something, I utilize my phone’s calendar and then I re-align with breath and continue with my application here and make the decision not to be distracted.

The point just came to the surface is that I have the tendency to get occupied so ‘deep’ with something, that I ‘fall into’, ‘get lost within it’, basically forgetting the bigger context, which is often all right, but usually when really losing the ‘big picture’, that means I am losing actual and full presence here, which means I am within reactions during that activity, so then my mind is being stimulated, distracted, and thus raising the chance of not ‘remembering’ things I would like to remember, therefore welcoming such worry-thought-reminders of things I’d not like to forget, meanwhile I am completely subjected to my mind and the more I ‘trust it’, the less I am fully here within consistency.

I forgive myself that I have not realized, seen and understood that actual, real, manifested and living awareness as self here is when I am constantly, consistently present, and even when there is something WITHIN myself to be noticed, processed or experienced, I do not lose presence, I do not ‘fall into it’ and do not lose direction, but remaining present, directive and whole, meaning not going into separation mode with duality as observing, subjecting and defining things based on memories, categories and self-interest of positive and negative.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the lack of self-trust and self-honesty to be required to stick with myself constantly and consistently here, no matter what I experience, feel or going through, because of the self-defined belief and hope that if I go into energetic reactions of the mind to the specific words I give permission to it to be activated automatically based on circumstances and not realizing that I hold onto the idea of choosing something known instead of exploring the unknown based on the fear of experiencing worse than I defined I would desire to experience and not realizing that it’s not based on physical facts, common sense, thus it’s delusion, self-dishonesty, false hope.

I forgive myself that I have not realized and understood that I keep holding onto the false hope within my mind based on memories, definitions, positive and negative polarities related to words to not need to face reality, facts, consequences here, because I’ve defined those would be too intense, I would change by those experiences and I do not want to change what I believe that is me, because then I would have to face the unknown and not realizing that that unknown is actually myself here, thus based on fear, I hold onto not to know myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that in the moment of stopping myself to express myself here in and as the physical, I am suppressing, I go into fear, regardless of I admit it or not, regardless of I am becoming aware of how and why, but still: I am not actually living, but surviving and the more I give into this energetic experience, the more I manifest consequences what I have to face eventually, thus the common sense is to face myself and the manifested consequences as soon and as directly as I can to take responsibility for separating myself from what is actually here as myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that by fearing from making mistakes, I became addicted to follow thoughts by believing that by that I can avoid mistakes I did in the past and not realizing that when I follow thoughts, I am not fully here, thus I am preventing myself to apply and express myself to the fullest potential, thus actually giving more chance to not direct it as fully as I could, and by that, manifesting what I fear from: making mistake, forgetfulness, experiencing uncomfortability.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the best practical way to re-align myself from thought-based, internal backchat, silent inner dialogue-based living to actual, physically present, whole and silent within expression here in and as the physical, which is to stop participating and directing all I am to be fully here – and what I resist to direct to be here or any aspect of myself I am unable to align to be fully here is the point and actual self-separation manifested through and as the mind what I have to take responsibility for and investigate, embrace and understand within it’s entire creation and with that practical understanding supporting myself to preventing myself to go into it again and thus stopping the pattern and moving to the next point required to be aligned.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I do something and I do it based on thinking, backchat, internal dialogue and all of a sudden someone appears or sounds something and I get afraid for a moment – is the point of self-reflection that am I get scared for a moment, because I was completely off and not present from here, and that’s why I got so surprised that I got afraid for a moment, because not knowing what’s happening for a moment – meanwhile if I am constantly and consistently here, this surprise is not that ‘harsh’, because as I am here, I see it appearing, the person getting closer and there is no thought process I am busy being distracted from being here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have to commit myself to every single specific activity and experience of my practical living to transform those moments of myself to re-align to be here, by starting with the most obvious ones, such as waking up, walking to bathroom, taking shower, dishwashing, watering plants, weeding plants, walking, going to toilet and then when I am effectively present without constant thought-patterns occupying my attention, I expand to other activities and I accumulate self-trust.

When and as I use water for gardening, dishwashing, shower or other activities – I feel it physically, feeling it on my skin, feeling it’s temperature, it’s moist, its flow, movement and substance and the tactile experience on my skin, thus bringing myself to my senses and physical body awareness from the thoughts, feelings, emotions and thus accumulating physical presence and awareness.

When and as I use tools to work with physically, I feel the material on my hand, feel the weight, the substance on my skin, it’s temperature, the pattern of the surface of it and so on and I expand my senses, awareness and direction to embrace more and more experience from this physical existence.

When and as I walk, move and travel, I focus to my body movement, direction, feel the pressure on the soil, feel the muscles I use for movement, I feel the gravity, feel the physical resistances I have to move through, such as the weight of my body, if moving faster, the air, wind or in water, then it’s resistance and I feel it on my skin and embrace all here.

I commit myself to constantly be aware of the fact that there is no ‘less important’ moment within my life, each is equal opportunity to apply self-honesty, align myself to be here, regardless of what I do, how I do it, where I am doing it or am I alone or not – and if there is change within myself based on these external circumstances, then I open up those points and forgiving myself and stop this one breath at a time and accumulate presence, self-trust and self-honesty.

I commit myself to walk this process of purification and unification within self-honesty and share it with others and thus cross-reference and support myself and also those who are in doubt and fear from letting go the self-sabotaging mind-constructs of doubt, fear and energetic addiction to thoughts.

When and as I am seeing doubt, something to figure out, a worry would come up about something – I stop and let go the fear and re-align and assist and support myself to open up the point by asking the right question and then answering to myself and directly move within my mind within presence without losing the physical awareness, here-ness, direction and explore – and if too many things are going on to be able to slow myself down, then I utilize sounding words, self-forgiveness and stabilizing myself – or taking time and effort and sit down and write the words down, use what I already learned from DesteniIProcess and support myself to become aware of the patterns within the starting point and principle of ‘Know myself instead of Think myself’ – as real knowledge frees myself from the need of thinking and I can focus on directly living here.

Online support for re-defining words – School of Ultimate Living

Slowing down – Spirituality of the snail

Day 266 – Music re-alignment

musicaTaking responsibility for the self-dishonesty I’ve opened up within my last post in regarding to how I used music – not always, but often.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use music as trigger point to re-live and re-react to my past experiences and memories in order to occupy myself and not be consistent here within each breath equally without questioning why do I really act like that, beyond the conviction and justification of ‘feeling good by listening my favorite music collection’.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself in terms of I’ve created relationships with my past experiences, how and what I’ve defined within those moments and defined myself to always react the same way, or even if I would change in regarding to how I would react to the specific memory, that is not by decision and self-direction, but based on another reaction to another specific memory or experience and thus basically giving myself up to being triggered to react the same way whenever my mind or circumstances dictate.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the possibility and actuality of my mind deciding things ‘behind’ my awareness, wherein if I would really slow down in those moments and be absolutely here within and as the physical and not got lost in the mind, I could see that it is actually being done by my consent and permission and that is the responsibility point I have to take and embrace.

I forgive myself that I have not really considered to investigate, find out and actually realize and live the body presence physical awareness required to be able to observe myself as the mind, as thoughts, feelings, emotions, reactions, memories, definitions, judgments and convictions, because exactly being constantly and consistently occupied with those within myself.

I forgive myself that I have not admitted that I am not the director and creator of my life, because of the already manifested patterns, acceptances and actual word-based self-definitions, which by I am at the mercy of circumstances, my environment, my conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind, thus existing within self-separation based on the conviction that this is who I am and this is life and this is what I must improve, evolve, develop and protect as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that by defining a specific memory and experience based on my interest, my perception and experiences, I am becoming subjective, which if I take granted, especially if I am using my already existing self-definitions of my ego mind rule system; therefore I should question the authority within myself, which is being applied apparently and admittedly automatically without I am really being aware of, therefore here is this aspect, part of me, who I am not aware of, I do not know, I do not feel, I do not see, I do not experience, I do not live and direct, but existing separately from my actual experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I have defined the personality, the energetic experiences and self-definitions, the polarity of positive and negative judgments of actions and reactions within me without realizing that this is completely self-made up, therefore whatever I experience based on these self-definitions, judgments, opinions is merely delusional, therefore to take these seriously means I do exist as self-created imagination.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I define how I feel, what I must do, how I must react based on the self-definitions and memories, experiences, convictions of how I decided to be defined in my past and still remaining so, – then I am living a lie, which is not who I really am, what is actually right HERE in and as the physical reality, shared with all others around me equally, what I accept and choose to disregard when relying to my mind, therefore if I act and react to re-establish, re-experience, re-react to these self-definitions and memories, then I am denying and escaping from what is here, I am existing within fear, which I might not know or even know of what I fear from, resulting to turn my back to actual reality and not wanting to face because of something I again – do know or do not know, but within that I can already see that I can reveal all of me if I decide and direct myself, thus if I do not know myself, do not live myself, do not free myself, do not express myself, then I am not life, but manifested consequences of programmed organic systems based on fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I really-really look into myself as deeply as possible, as honestly as possible, I can actually see/realize/understand everything I react of how and why I am who I am today, therefore I actually can take responsibility for all I exist currently as.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can stop accepting who I am based on the experiences and memories I have and naturally if I do not actually stand up as this realization in this moment, in the next moment as of this breath I take and the next one I will take – I am in fact existing within fear, which if I do not admit, then I fear from admitting existing within fear for not another reason but fear and thus in fact who I am is starting point of fear.

I forgive myself that I have never considered to realize that what I fear from is also myself which I did not yet embrace but wanting to separate from the experience and expression of myself and actually ending up manifesting it internally or externally and literally becoming it.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the exact specific points I am experiencing by the specific music collection I play and react to, as realizing that the details hold the key for understanding and the way to forgiveness and change.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve developed a relationship with emotional energy resonating within my mind and physical body which I feel that I need to have, experience, re-create and even refine and evolve as the self-accepted addiction to the energetic experiences, what are actually required to keep the self-delusion of definitions and rules, which is to cover fear.

I forgive myself that I have not admitted the mistakes I made, the ones I already am aware of as those were mistakes but never really understood what would be a real, actual change from that stance where I still feel myself being related to within my mind as reactions; and also those mistakes I did not realize what I made due to complete and consistent occupation within the mind, memories, reactions as believing that is who I am and not admitting that I would be really scared and scattered without those systematic manifestations within me constantly whispering me of who I must perceive myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the traumas I experienced and defined during my childhood and university years and the specific music songs I listened back there, I linked these two and automatically, involuntarily without really embracing myself and my past and remaining here within awareness and principle to recognize that I was not present then, thus giving into the energetic experience of feelings and emotions, just like I did back there, thus re-playing the same program over and over again without changing, only accumulating acceptance and permission to not change this as who I perceive myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I given permission to my mind as the systematic representation of who I accepted myself to manifest as, to utilize memory and word programming to trigger emotions to experience and energize specific personality within my mind in order to balance out the delusion of religion of self who I created myself to be, equated within as a system, integrated into the world system without really being aware of the consequences.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself that I accepted not to listen and feel literally the music itself when playing specific songs, tracks, but focusing to the reactions automatically seeing myself experiencing them and then defining that this is all right and acceptable, meanwhile not realizing that I am just reacting, not really listening the music here as the sound and my beingness does not resonate here as equal as one.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be self-honest with myself to be able to recognize when I am not honest with myself and be really myself as beingness HERE in and as awareness and self expression, but only lost within consciousness systems, programmed and exposed to rules, regulations, triggers and automatic definitions to always tell me what I see, feel, how I should react and act without realizing that I am not the director here, because I am not fully aware and absolutely self-honest about what I really do is what is best for all and within not being certain within that, already indicating that I am not really aware, thus I should question my responsibility of is it only self-interest or really aligned with all of existence.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and define that when I experienced pain mentally and emotionally during my times from where I defined specific songs as meaning and compressed trigger points to those memories, that those songs I like, because of being great music, but in fact I defined to like those for the trigger, reaction and experience I can re-live with those.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit and acknowledge that within those moments I held onto anger and shame at the same time and did not forgive myself for still accepting that within myself, because never looked really into myself to open up and reveal and re-align myself within the specific understanding of what was the dishonesty which I deliberately chose to avoid pain and suffering, even if not realizing that the consequence will be actually the exact same thing I was trying to avoid, manifesting suppressed layers within me, becoming self-definition and self-limitation without being aware of it while also not realizing that it is undermining and sabotaging my trust, integrity, self-honesty and stability.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that I was ashamed of myself of losing myself and falling into emotional storms, such as falling into love to someone to the degree of not even seeing the other, not even experiencing myself here, but only this feeling, this burning desire, fear, pain, of losing it and by doing so, being ashamed of myself as human being yet completely being compelled to these energetic experiences, their intensity and after all, defining this as my life, therefore who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not admitted that within my past I had so much anger towards the system and people who I perceived as beautiful, successful, rich and powerful, because I wanted to have the same but I felt like I could not, therefore I wanted to disregard it all, defining it as despicable and myself as noble, special, just to keep myself together, even if it means to re-create such experience of righteousness, which required lot of re-and re-thinking and emotional triggering, reaction-storms and constant conflict and turmoil within myself, resulting to equate out the perceived energetic wave-storm, what I defined as who I am while becoming addicted to this energetic movements, rushes and not realizing that these are sucking out the actual life force from my human physical body, making it exhausted, aged, sick and manifesting more layered information, systems and separation as consequence.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become angry and doubtful, spiteful and dishonest with myself by accepting the fact what I experienced in regarding to myself that I could not trust in myself, I could not direct myself due to the exposure of automatic thought-energy-emotion-feeling roller-coaster I experienced constantly within my mind, which from I wanted to escape, and using energy, reactions to accumulate such intensity for trying to get free of myself, while not realizing that the solution is not escape, separation or exclusion, suppression or destruction, but embracing, facing, taking responsibility and becoming aware of all words, definitions, patterns, reactions, trigger points, constructs to the utmost specificity without being influenced by my past automatically and directing myself to stop and re-define, change.

I forgive myself that I have not admitted that I do not remain always, constantly and consistently here within and as this moment and the next, because of fear of letting go, fear of facing the unknown, fear from fear itself and facing the inevitable consequences.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be fully here when emotions rise within me and to see what they are actually during listening music and living myself here through and as the physical body as presence and to see that emotions are in fact empty and conditioned, and if I rely on to define myself to be and give permission to automatically move me, then I am self-dishonest, because I exist within a relationship with the definition of energetic experience, and by that relationship through the mind – I am separated, therefore enslaved by circumstances, conditions, and within that there is no self-expression, only cause and effect.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I defined emotional storms as good within me because fueling me to feel a lot of energy, which defined as intensity, which defined as being alive, because of this movement of energy within me, but not realizing that meanwhile I am not moving actually, and even if I act upon this experience, it’s not self-movement, but being influenced, moved by the accumulated energetic self-definition activation of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that music can be experienced and lived through my empty, clear, fully present beingness and allowing it, directing myself to live myself, the resonance, the sound, to feel it with all of myself and embrace it and to exist without definition, polarity of good and bad, comparison of past, categorization – nothing of those, but simply be here undefined, unified, whole and whenever I see inner reaction, energetic movement with thoughts, emotions, feelings arising from myself, it is clear that I am giving into energetic temptation and not facing what is fully here, which indicates fear, so then I look at the source within myself and see the self-dishonesty for I take responsibility for to stop.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit to myself that whenever I accept and react to thoughts, feelings, emotions move and wave within me and do not stand up to stop it as myself here, then that means I have no directive power, therefore I am not living fully here, but as manifested consequence acting out the past.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that whenever I go into the mind to have reactions of positive and negative, it is based on a fear of not wanting to, not being able to face myself and the creation of self here, therefore to take refugee within any polarity based self-definition construct is self-dishonesty, thus the common sense is to become aware of the exact pattern and to stand up and not give into the reaction, let it go, re-align here with and as the physical and make the stand and find practical ways to change myself, explore what is beyond this pattern of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I was existing within constant and consistent fear and to hide that I’ve defined ways to entertain myself and go on energetic roller-coaster experiences to have a sense of movement, a sense of choice, but in fact I am not directing, I am being moved by accepted consequences, for what I have to make the stand eventually.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I used music to occupy myself and distract myself from facing what is here as who I am and whenever experiencing silence and quietness, I would feel uncomfortable, boring, therefore wanting to stimulate myself in order to cheer myself up, to do something and not realizing that the very experience of uncomfortability from being with myself here and the experience of boredom indicates suppression and resistance and fear, which should be investigated, worded down and forgiven specifically and commit myself to stop participating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use music to intensify the experience I have by feeling like it is pushing me and moving me, to go faster within experiences in my mind and not realizing that it is separating myself from here, physical presence awareness and direction, because the mind apparently can be faster, but in fact it’s not real movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that music is the way/a way to liberation and by listening it to be tuned for awakening and awareness and not realizing that projecting out desires, definitions and expectations without being aware of doing so, therefore not recognizing that having energetic experiences based on reactions to self-defined relationship of words is a program, not awakening or awareness, but relying to the past, based on a pattern, what I’ve defined as who I am, but in fact who I really am is behind that pattern.

I commit myself to decompose all memories, reactions, word relationships, self-definitions to music to let go all the past from my mind, body, beingness and to un-learn all those energetic reactions and to find practical ways to remain always here within presence without any mind-construct to be used for embracing, listening, enjoying and playing music.

I commit myself to forgive all the self-accepted relationships I defined according to music and the values I’ve given into specific patterns and types, parts, styles within music by identifying with definitions of ‘this is my style’, ‘this is what I like’ or ‘this is what I do not like’ based on experiences in the past, my energetic reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions had in the past and still re-living those in case of hearing the specific music track or style, therefore in those moments I let it all go, and I breathe, and re-align to remain here and to see what’s actually here.

I commit myself to stop defining intensity as value within music and defining who I am according to the intensity of music I hear and feeling like if it’s not intense, brutal, straightforward, blunt, ‘kickass’, then defining it as just ‘chill’ and nothing special, and within that categorizing as not so interesting, not my style, not really for enjoying as party, but only as something ‘understated’, just because it’s slower or less explosive.

I commit myself to stop defining that I only like specific genres of music and to see what is beyond types and genres and what I can simply embrace and enjoy, create and play without any definition or judgement.

I commit myself to stop using music as triggering past memories, experiences, emotions, feelings, thoughts; letting all go and when listening to music, really opening myself up and directing myself to be empty and feel it literally without any polarity or judgement, comparison or category.
I see opening up many points beyond this, such as the points I resist during playing, creating and writing music.
Another point I see is that the automatic judgement system is ‘loosened up’, which by I stood before as who I believed myself to be, which by I determined what music is ‘good’ and ‘bad’, based on my personality. I always knew, that it’s subjective, but by walking these points here I have a better understanding of specific type of preferences of my past, which turned out to be eventually as self-limitation, because I conditioned myself to NOT explore, embrace, listen and actually enjoy moments when I was exposed to music I pre-defined as ‘not cool’, which is not common sense.
It does not mean I have to be able to enjoy all music, but who I am and how I am and should not change based on conditions.

It’s important to be able to not mix these things up – who I am and what I experience, because if I define myself based on this moment in the next one, then I can ‘stuck’. Being aware of the facts does not necessarily means I should accept myself as how things are for the rest of my life, but it’s the way to be able to align myself with a practically liveable principle, what can support to remain consistent and stable.

Many people worry and judge principles as those can really limit and degrade humans, as I was such too, until did not realize that I can re-define a principle what does not limit me and aligns me with what I stand for, which is what is best for all.

Many can start arguing that there is no such thing as ‘best for all’, but in fact it is and those who don’t understand it are still in the process of realizing it. It’s really an ego-crusher if we really consider it – am I absolutely sure and honest about stating something like that “I am certain, there is no such thing, I’ve investigated everything, studied, tested, cross-referenced EVERYTHING in existence and here I stand as fully confident“?

For me, music is something what can be seen through this simple principle – what and how is the best way to stand in relation to music to support myself and all the best way possible?

To not go back to the past all the time, to not repeat the same energetic reactions in my mind, meanwhile having problems in real time, waiting for me, from which I decide to be distracted from or emotionally charged up to activate a personality with what I THINK that I will be more capable to deal with – is it really the best way to approach problems or can I find a more practical way?

Also to recognize, that the values which by I define music as ‘worthy spending time with’ was based on emotional relationships with memories and things I did or not did – and it was less about the music itself, so in fact I was just using music to trigger stuff in my mind.

By walking through the memories, the points I defined as extremely intense and difficult, I see/realize and understand that I do not need to remain as the same and I can change and let go fear, desire, I do not need to give up when facing resistances to become aware of points and if something is uncomfortable, I do not need to boost my moral with energy, but rather I can look, why it is difficult and how can I assist myself with practical common sense?

Also by listening music without going into memories, emotions by images, thoughts – I can really embrace and feel music – and that is also really cool – to be open, vulnerable and present.

Day 254 – Walking through resistances to driving

IMG_3372crTalking about practical change – in this practical example: learning to drive. I had resistances for decades to driving and having a car until it was frustratingly limiting. Some years ago, as I was walking Desteni I Process courses with the group since some years, I’ve decided to walk through this self-limitation. I share myself in regarding to this change in 20 minutes:

Part 1 (audio to download here):

Part2: (audio to download here)

Day 253 – Urban Judgements to Stop

IMG_6125Last time I wrote about how I got attached to the pre-defined idea of ‘undefined’.

This is a process of investigating what blocks me to effectively expand with the skill of navigation and realizing that it is of a form of self-sabotage as I am automatically making myself busy by judging my surroundings based on my past unnecessarily. So it’s time to let go judgements about urban/rural areas.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I did get lost in the energetic responses of my polarity-based judgements about how city/urban life is not as cool as village/rural life to the extent of losing perspective, gaining emotional reactions and not applying common sense, thus compromising my effectiveness, adaptation and  eventually suppressing my self-honest expression.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within going into judgements/comparisons/reactions/criticizing of city/urban living, I did not see/understand the importance and self-honesty of questioning my reactions, limitation and thus realizing what I can and should change WITHIN MYSELF to stop separating myself in my perception from what I judge, here living in city.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I had pre-existing, pre-created, pre-programmed, pre-accepted judgements/conclusions/comparisons within me in several other dimensions in regarding to city/urban living, what influenced me the way that I judged it as negative, yet it’s in fact not relevant within common sense consideration and direct expression as negative is part of a polarity based on opinion and not self-honesty and facts.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be clouded by judgements and related energetic reactions based on the value I’ve defined to the perceived investment into the topic and need for defining who I am in regards to urban and rural living, because alone myself I felt like I am against the world and needed some stability point and I did not realize the physical here, as my body, as the world itself, but I defined my mind, the reactions, the definitions, the energy as tool for balance and thus becoming dependent for the perceived stability to constantly juggle, stabilize myself in the starting point of the mind through these reactions, judgements to not need to face the fact that I fear, I do not know, and I fear that I do not know in general and that giving another feel connected to a certain physical experience what I’ve defined as avoidable instead opening up, stabilizing into and stopping it and releasing as the body as myself and to start answering to my questions within absolute self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define comfortability as important, valuable, preferable, wherein thinking that city is comfortable if I have money, because for paying more than in village/rural living, I get services I do not need to worry about, just like heating, I pay for it, click a button and it’s done and within that not seeing that in fact it was not the heating or even if it’s more than just a button click what made me bothered, but my attachment to do it and wanted to get rid of that reaction to that specific attachment in my mind without questioning it’s origin, which made me ending up just to want to avoid that reaction being triggered without realizing I avoid the conflict within myself instead of really opening up and solving.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is the same tendency coming up in many areas of my life what I wanted to avoid by thinking that I can ‘solve’ these problems, such as not needing to plan and shop food for a while ahead and thus defining I need a 24/7 open shop around for if whenever I need something it should be close and not face the fact that I try to avoid being triggered to the reaction for the fact that I am not stable, consistent and able to plan to manage shopping ahead and then to ask the question of why and what is the origin for this inconsistency/instability and how I can stop this self-limitation and in fact what makes me react all the time making myself unstable.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my resistance to urban living was in fact not urban living itself and did not realize this until I left the city recently to be able to reflect back of who I accepted myself to be and became in terms of reactions, resistances and only facing the fact, when I actually manage shopping ahead, when I actually realize I do not need non-stop shop and also realizing it is not a huge and problematic effort to heat with more than just a button click, for instance as I heat with firewood, what requires several phases of things to be done and I realize there is no reaction to it and it’s manageable and quite all right, but I used these justifications for so long time in my mind without realizing that these are just cover-ups for deeper self-dishonesty and not wanting to realize that, because once facing the utter fact of I lie to myself, then I could not exist like that any more so I would be frustrated until changed, which is unknown, unpredictable and that I’ve defined as scary, even when I do not ‘see’ fear within me, but in fact within my actions and manifested self-limitations it’s obvious that there is sign of fear and trying to avoid all ways possible to sit down, write this down and face it as fact and then to realize that I can decide and move myself to change.

I forgive myself that I have not realized and admitted, acknowledged and really understood that in fact all my problems in my life, all my negative and positive judgements are for duck taping my mind’s experience for a tranquility which I’ve created to hide the fact that I am uncertain and I fear from the unknown, which is in fact myself, because not knowing myself, I fear and not realizing that I can know myself and then to realize that fear is not really me, and I can let it go.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the excuses and their nature in terms of my reactions to them, what I used as reasons against living in city, such as being expensive and fearing not having enough money or fearing from other people who I do not know and fearing to face that most of the people ignore me and disregard me and not care about me what I’ve defined as hard and inhuman and madness and my reactions to these being that it’s not the best for me while not realizing that it’s not more expensive to live in the city and also to question why needing people to regard and care about me instead of I care for myself and how in fact I ignore myself within.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I ignored myself in terms of being honest with myself and defining layers of excuses and justifications of why I like or not like something while it’s being completely self-interest wherein considering myself only even when I am sure that I am not sure within myself and not stopping for a moment to ask the question of what is it exactly I am uncertain about and how I can know myself and find stability within presence even while facing unknown.

I forgive myself that I forgot why I came into the city at the first place, which was curiosity and money, because I wanted to meet, experience people and things I did not find in village and also wanted to have a job in my profession to have money to live and within that I deliberately chose to live at the center in order to not need to travel much but being close to everything, thus having time for the things I wanted to do without too much time being spent on traveling.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I’ve defined the lifestyle as I lived as a kid as tiresome, because I had to do certain things in order to get warm, clean the yard, work in garden for the family, support domestic animals, which I did not want, because I wanted to spend time with computers, because that lead to focus less to physical, body, but more into the mind in that time and thus actually wanted to get the heating, washing, cleaning done with one switch of a button as I believed that blocked me from having enough time for the things I wanted to do.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that a reason was to come to the city to see more people, to meet with many people and being able to see more people who I like, enjoy, define as attractive, interesting, because I’ve defined that within village I soon can know everybody and then there is no surprise, no new people to get to know and within that not realizing that I am dependent on searching, seeking constantly and always striving for new, for exploring the unknown within the hope that I can learn more about myself, I can know more about who who I am or who I should be.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that there are so many points with what I justify being a good idea to live in the city and also having about the same amount of reasons why it’s not a good idea to live in the city and not realizing that it’s completely up to myself to see the conditions and decide how I want to live and to take responsibility for my decision and also to support myself not to limit myself with judgements and reactions to those points in regarding to judge my environment in a positive or negative way, instead of just seeing it as it is and do all what I can and trust myself unconditionally.

I could dig deeper but for the reason I started this is obvious here now, my resistance to navigate, to be aware of my surroundings, the practical knowledge of where I am and where are things around me is not directly related to that I am in the city or not, it is simply of being busy with constant reactions, which I tend to have more in the city, because there are more things happening, more points are stimulating me to react instead of remaining here within physical consistency and actually focus to assess and expand my practical skills.

I see/realize/understand that the decision I can make about where to live is rather simple than to use positive and negative reactions to stimulate myself into a feeling/emotion to support what shall I do, but rather it’s a choice based on common sense and a self-honest decision of how I want to live and to see the why as well and seeing it’s not emotion/feeling based decision.

When and as I see myself making decisions in my life about how or where to live based on emotion/feeling, I slow down within and realizing I separate myself based on judgement from the situation I face as myself equally, therefore I stop judging, comparing, using polarity of good and bad by investigating the origin of that judgement, separation, belief, judgement as information what I do not live, only ‘knowing’.

When and as I am within the city, I stop judging it based on the money I have, stop comparing it to how less natural it looks than a forest, a field and I stop judging those as better, rather simply seeing that it’s different in some ways and it’s the same on other ways.

I commit myself to not change who I am based on where I am but to remain consistent to the principle of life as equality and oneness in and as the flesh.

I commit myself to not judge people who live in the city or live in the village or suburban, but rather to realize that any judgement towards the world/others is actually a self-judgement projected out, thus I reflect it back and to realize the fear behind such polarity-based perception-separation and I forgive myself for fearing instead of acting common sense immediately.

I commit myself to stop defining concrete, streets, lack of soil, green, plants as depressing, unnatural, tiresome, and to realize that if I react to this perception automatically, then it is not who I really am, but what I accepted and allowed myself to become as judgement-reaction robot, thus I take a breath and I stabilize myself here, not defining how I am, but rather just allow myself to be and experience and express myself.

I commit myself to stop going into reactions of judgements about how uncool I find cities to be within and thus distracting myself from the potential to be consistent within presence and self-direction.

I commit myself to recognize the judgements and patterns of defining and categorizing, polarizing, prioritizing how I should experience myself within urban area, industrial area, highway area, but to realize the fact that I can embrace the need for these judgements by understanding what is the fear I would face if I would not go into this automatic judgement/reaction and then facing that fear and breathe and not participate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about not finding the route to my destination by myself thus wanting to constantly rely to GPS and not realizing that if sometimes I make a mistake, it’s still completely alright and if I really hurry or not sure, I still can return to the GPS and meanwhile there is no need to react, get frustrated, angry, impatient, self-judgemental, thus I push myself to remain consistently here and give myself the space and time to learn and expand, enjoy and explore.

I commit myself to remain stable, present, consistent during driving all the way, no matter what happens, I am here, breathing, whatever comes and goes I am directing myself to be constantly here.

I commit myself to recognize the patterns I would react to and at the moment of their emerging – I remain here, breathing, realizing that as this thing comes, will go, and my commitment is to remain directive with the car no matter what without any tension, worry or fear by simply let go all judgements and expectations.

This concludes my self-support in regarding to driving for now and I go and explore and whenever a pattern will emerge what I would see as supporting to write about, I will continue to apply the tools what I was assisted to learn from DESTENI I PROCESS.

Day 242 – Writing the blog re-alignment

IMG_5251I see I have not written the amount of blogs I decided to, so opening up some points to here to direct and re-align.

If I look into myself, it’s simple – I want to write as much as possible, there are so many things I realize, I want to share, I want to direct, write through, prepare, support myself with – it’s every day like that, no exception.
If I try to bring up excuses, I immediately see, there is none what can be actually justified, but somehow still I can come up with several ones:
I just moved to my new home, since a week there is normal internet, I had no car in the last two weeks, so my travels took double time and arrived home late night almost every day, I was working on big blog posts, and one took me multiple days to finish, started another – not public writing project, joined another online course…

These were not really relevant as if I would really investigate and self-honestly see them individually or even altogether: there was still time. Well, exactly that was the point this(last) month I kept saying to myself, whenever I had some time to write more. “Hey, it’s still not the end of the month, tomorrow!” And then the last day of the month was a pre-scheduled travel day all day along, so what to do, it’s done.
Well, the world certainly will continue without more of my blog posts, but it’s about my commitment.

Is it resistance to sit down and write? In these days writing comes easily – even if there is something self-dishonesty, it’s not that uncomfortable to write about it, especially, because I start to get to the senses, that this is really supporting me. How? The previous writings, the journey I’ve walked thus far is proof, what I do not have to think about, it’s in my physical being with me all the time. That’s great. But regardless of all the process in the world, if I rely on to one singular thought-pattern, I still can be distracted, so to speak – mesmerized – by the self-definition I’ve given into, such as “I still have time” and repeating it until the end of times(symbolic, meaning when there is no more time, like end of a cycle, such as 2015 October).
Where I could have give more time to write: for instance I’ve watched several episodes of TV series, one-two movies during the month what with I could have been waited, but it’s another point to open up within the ‘justification’ what got me: I was tired, exhausted, so it seems like I’ve linked walking a broad pillar of my process only if I am fresh, energetic, totally directive, however what I do not consider is that exactly with the patterns of justifications I also can make experience myself as tired. I’ve noticed that before: when participating within a lot of thinking, reasoning in my mind, it takes quite a lot of effort and once I fall into the experience of ‘tiredness’ – I accept to rely on specific patterns to handle this state: drinking tea, coffee, eating for instance – but before going to sleep, I do not do those things, because it would not support me to sleep well. So I accepted the conditional tiredness not to change based on another condition and all of a sudden I was not directing, but I was controlled by my perceptions and judgements!
Yes, there can be days, when I am so tired and exhausted that my head falls down and I can just close my eyes and I immediately fall asleep, but within the last month, there was only one or two days, when I arrived home like that. Also, when I go to sleep earlier, usually I can wake up earlier too, thus giving the ‘time’ to do my commitments.

It’s something, what I take seriously, not as I am crazy serious, but simply, because I’ve decided and it’s a self-reflection and also, because I have much more plans to continue with, what requires dedication, consistency and self-trust, so for that it’s quite a simple test: can I write at least 4 ‘proper’ blog posts(sharing points I have realized, changed, walked through) – and if not, then I see, why not and what and how exactly I have to change my attitude, behavior.
IMG_5257
Here I walk a series of opening self-forgiveness statements to exactly see what are the things I see within myself-my mind what I am not always aware of, yet could influence, accumulate me into lack of self-direction.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about not writing four blog posts in a month and focusing onto the ‘why not’ and the reaction of ‘how uncool is that I don’t’ instead of finding opportunities and making effort to actually sit down and write.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that I do need a lot of time to ‘construct’ a proper blog post, what is containing ‘good enough’ support, written well, meaning no much grammatical errors, readable by others and around one topic.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to apply myself fully when writing blog post and thus not writing always within presence, thus ending up writing without discipline, self-direction and thus ‘adding’ into the writing something what I am sure later I will re-read and realize has to be rewritten-changed-re-aligned-removed and thus indeed manifesting what I was worried about: takes too much time, not having enough time, while if I would discipline and direct myself to write only within presence, clarity, then it could be ‘faster’.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see when I am not present within writing but starting to write about points of how I react to those, writing about others, wanting to make it seem as a good story, more focusing to how it would be perceived, rather than writing it out how I see directly and thus not seeing that simplicity is the key here. I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I write something what not simple common sense, then there is the chance that I am not seeing, accessing, walking it directly, but ‘beating around the bush’ and thus I need to take a breath, let everything go and re-align and continue with direction.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that what I experience, feel in my mind, physically when I start to write without direction, presence, clarity and when I go into reaction mode and not stopping, re-aligning, correcting myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have deliberately chosen things to do what were not the priority and thus creating friction within me, what I know will just take more time instead of simply preventing myself to go into reaction, and if I can’t simply direct myself out of it in real physical time, then I write about that specifically, and in this case: that also can be a blog post.
  • I forgive myself that I defined writing blog post time-consuming and not realizing it can be also a simple audio or video recording, wherein I also allowed myself to focus to the technical perfection, what indeed can take more time and not realizing that here the content is important, not the quality, as even with my simplest gadget I could record understandable, acceptable podcast, vlog quality.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the idea of perfection I’ve allowed to get in my way while defining this idea as part of me, what supports me, gives more value and not seeing that this idea is an obsession, what has also origin point, which is wanting to be good, better, meaning what comes naturally from my expression I’ve judged as not good by comparison and believing that I can only produce acceptable, good, quality expression, when I am taking a lot of time.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can allow myself to learn directly, without the mind, when I totally make the leap of faith so to speak from the mind into the direct physical living, then I can make mistakes, I can fall, but I can stand up and learn and expand.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have the ability to change and that is not related to my thinking, my judgements, my worries, but the direct beingness, who is directing within this very moment writing this post, pushing myself into understanding and practical application of change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can open up new opportunities to share myself in my blog during my day and to see, when I can have several minutes to share myself, especially with the fact that many times I realize something but I do not write it down, sharing it, so it’s gone, instead of I could make notes, I could make audio logs, video logs and at the end of the day simply gather them and share.
  • When and as I use the phrase, that ‘I still have time’ – I exactly know that I try to slip away the responsibility I committed to take and whatever comes up in the context next, is excuse and justification, what with I accumulate future friction, what is unnecessary, and also time-consuming, so to prevent double-time wasting, I immediately stop when I would see that I should, I want to write my blog but I am in the decision not to and there to see that I have a choice.
  • When and as I would worry about not having enough time, I stop and I breathe and I realize it’s happened, because I’ve went into the mind to perceive time, where it’s bigger than me, I am reacting to it, I worry about it, instead of remaining here, present, directive, wherein time is just a reference, reflection point of how much I have walked already to see within self-honesty, how effective I am in relation to expanding my potentials.
  • When and as I would see the excuse of I still have time coming up, I stop and I see what is my physical, body, present experience, is there any specific worry, fear, judgement, reaction, what are the thoughts to see exactly what I contain, represent, am responsible to be aware of and stop.
  • When and as I see that I rely on the perception of how much time left, I still have until the end of the month, which is the final reflection of how many posts I’ve wrote, wherein it’s not the quantity what matters, but yet, the accumulation is also relevant, then I stop and realize that I am capable of sharing many things, and there is no limit of how much I could share from my past realizations, when considering of shall I write or not, thus I immediately act writing/recording and to see what comes.
  • When and as I would go into judging myself as not good enough quality of blog writing, I stop and I see, when I am not present, where I went and why, what are the trigger points I’ve went into reaction while I continued writing, to prevent myself not to go there next time.
  • When and as I see that I am in reactions in relation to blogging, sharing, I see/realize/understand that I can also use that as an opportunity to walk through it with writing/recording in real time, and that is also a great process blog share material.
  • I commit myself to share at least eight posts in a month and if there is any resistance, reaction to this commitment and actual doing, then the post will consist of walking through that reaction/resistance/difficulty.
  • I commit myself to be aware of when I am writing without direction/principle/presence and prevent myself going into and simply re-aligning myself within self-honesty and if required, to apply the tools of further writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements.
  • I commit myself to stop define myself of the technical quality of my process sharing and prevent myself going into judgements, projections and actual decisions not to do/continue/share based on any judgements.
  • I commit myself to actually enjoy writing/sharing while being here and to realize that I can discipline, direct and share myself with enjoyment as well, whenever I decide so and whenever I would see to become too serious, too rigid, that there is the opportunity to stop and see what are the thoughts I do not take responsibility for to stop.
  • I commit myself to stop thinking and judging myself and make the leap of faith, what means literally get into the next moment without a single thought, worry, projection or judgement and find out who I am within the moment, within self-honesty, within the physical direct living.