Day 322 – Leadership opening up

IMG_1679Last time I was writing about being awkward. If I look beyond that self-limitation, there are a lot of points what I was suppressing as well.
Let’s look one particular point what started to open recently.

I was listening three of amazing EQAFE support interviews in regarding to Leadership

(links at the end of this post).

I’ve been circling around this word since a while and within my DIP PRO course assignment also pops up from time to time and the more I become honest with myself, this is an aspect of me, seeing the potential on how to expand with it, but it is also becoming clear that there is much work to do in order to birth that potential into life.

Thus, walking some memories, decomposing some constructs of my own relationship and personality of the word and it’s meaning of LEADER and LEADERSHIP.

Right away, there has always been a controversy of two opposite opinions about this within me: since my childhood, all I ever wanted is to have more power, possibilities and freedom, while on the other hand I have been accumulated so much willingness and desire to directly lack, deny and escape responsibility.

After many years, here I am and already realized that responsibility is the only way which through I can be really free of my self-limitation and powerlessness, thus since a while I specifically aim parts of my life wherein I am directing myself to open up and realize: where I am still not taking responsibility for myself and then(or at the same time) the world as well.

So I start with walking Self-forgiveness immediately, instead of sharing a lot of memories, because that is not really required here to start to see, as this point I have focusing to since a while in reflection to things happening in my personal, interpersonal and global life events, so I just directly apply practical understanding through actually taking responsibility with seeing what I have not yet acknowledged, but in a way, in the background, I have always known.

Self-forgiveness

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire leadership, to become a leader and not being honest with myself to see that this desire is fueled by my own powerlessness, insecurity and wanting to compensate values, aspects, abilities and personality traits of others, who I defined as more than who I perceive myself to be.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want power and efficiency, but not wanting to take responsibility for who I am, for the reactions, thoughts, feelings and emotions are happening within me, overwhelming, distracting, dis-empowering me, but directly wanting to exert power into the world, because then others would see how powerful I am and based on their reactions, I would feel myself more powerful.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself to see/realize/understand that I want to seem as powerful in order to be judged as powerful, so then based on judgements, starting to believe that indeed I am powerful.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the polarity-energy play within myself as wanting to experience ‘positive‘ judgments about me in relation to leadership and power to COMPENSATE the already existing ‘negative‘ judgments/beliefs/self-definitions within me and not realizing the common sense to stop/remove the ‘negative’ directly with self-honesty and self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-commitments to change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve defined people in leading positions as something I could be good at without actually understanding what they do, what qualities they live and how.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that leader, as the word itself explains itself, meaning that the one, who leads the way, which mostly means to initiate, to move first, without anything or anyone outside of themselves and that requires self-trust, self-knowledge and self-dedication, which I never considered to see it as actual qualities I can learn, but as being not my type, not my personality, not my way and not realizing that these are simply excuses and justifications of why I should give into the resistance to face and change my personality if I do really want to be a leader.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that my initial desire to become leader comes from the realization that I allow myself to be leaded by forces outside of me, even when I do not want, I do realize that it’s not supporting me, thus to compensate/fight that powerlessness, started to grow a desire for power and leadership.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that ANY leadership starts with self, self-leadership and to deal with myself, my inner representation, my mind, my personality, my ‘demons’, so to speak, the patterns what constitute the chance to compromise my stand, to doubt myself, to give into resistances, to not want to change, initiate, move.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that my resistance towards leading, leading systems, others is the manifestation of the resistance to lead myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that until self-leadership will not spread and become a living expression of all individuals, there always will be leaders, which means master and slave relationship.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that leading is not about the power as it is mostly given, and if one does not live with that given power well, it might or will be taken away – even if it’s about self-leadership and self-given power – any doubt, resistance, fear can compromise that power.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to take responsibility for what and who I am and within that to realize that I can change if I decide so, and the very fact that I am not changing is the indication and proof of that I am not taking responsibility and thus accepting my limitations to direct me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy leaders around me by what I perceived as having access to power and thus wanting to be leader and only looking what they have but not questioning the process they actually became leaders with what qualities and actions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only thing stops me from being leader is the self-sabotage of not leading myself first.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not yet ready to become a leader and within that not seeing what actual justifications I hold onto, what makes that belief within me.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the postponement of actually walking the path of a leader is the belief that first I have to become perfect, then once I am ‘ready’, then I will lead and within that not realizing that there is no perfection without making mistakes first and the ability to admit and change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized, named and worded the actual excuses and justifications I am holding onto for not taking responsibility to lead myself, to initiate movement and change within myself and the world as equal as one in a consistent practical application.

Conclusion

So, this should do as a start, at the end the realization came to the surface that I actually have to list up the points I perceive as blocking me to lead myself effectively.

I start with a brief list here and I will continue in the next post with this fascinating topic.

  • The belief that once I become a leader, I will have less time for entertainment and to actually do what I like, such as learning, investigating, discovering.
  • The belief that first I have to face all my demons to not get into any possible compromising situation ‘out there’ in the world.
  • The belief that I am not stable and consistent enough
  • The belief that my communication skills are not yet effective enough
    The belief that I am not yet walking a supportive, enjoyable and stable partnership with someone first
  • The belief that I have to remain somewhat alone and secluded in order to become someone who will not compromise leadership and responsibility first versus personal interest, such as relationship and family and it’s a friction within between wanting partnership, but only if it’s not compromising my ‘plans’ and having the belief that I should not care about such details, but only focus to my ‘plans’
  • The belief that I am not direct, in a way ruthless or impersonal enough and being vulnerable for people to be able to influence me with their social skills, beauty or my insecurities

These are just a few and some of them are already seem ridiculous for me at the moment I write them down, so at first sight they do not seem relevant or real problematic, but still: came up, thus worth writing down and to see what is behind that particular belief.

Just like with fears and phobias – many people hold onto so many kinds of fears without even being aware of how ridiculous it might seem if the person would actually take the effort to write it down to see in front of them.

A point I see worth mentioning in regarding to fear:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from jumping into action in regarding to leadership, which is the fear of making so big mistakes that would manifest irreversible consequences, what could sabotage my intention, direction towards leadership.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I focus to the fear and it’s resonance, I do not look at the point I fear manifesting, I do not see if it’s realistic, what I can do to prevent it, but I spend time to not move, not act, but only react within.

And the last should be this:

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within seeing the initiative to become leader, but not actually specifying of what kind of leader within what ‘field’ I want to lead, initiate, move change, thus it’s all abstract, undefined, un-graspable, which is to protect my level of involvement with leadership, which is only self-stimulation, not actual reality-walking and manifesting.

This is greatly challenging and recommended everyone to walk as can reveal so many points of self-dishonesty to work with and being able to face, understand and stop.

These are the awesome EQAFE interviews about leadership I’ve mentioned and support me and others greatly:

https://eqafe.com/p/what-is-leadership-to-you-the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-103

https://eqafe.com/p/what-is-blocking-the-leader-within-you-the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-104
https://eqafe.com/p/the-birth-of-a-leader-begins-with-self-the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-105

And a personal blog post from Marlen to look Leadership as well, suggested to read:

https://marlenvargasdelrazo.wordpress.com/2017/04/13/557-self-leadership-and-the-message-of-jesus/

Day 319 – From awkwardness to self-trust part 2

aw2Continuing with my story- part 1

I went to a half year long trip to Asia, where I was introduced to the Rainbow hippie community, where I faced another great resistance: shy and shameful of my body – I was naked a lot of times with others(people believe hippies do naked sex all the time, and it’s not really about that, I rarely saw actual sex, but it’s more about finding connection with yourself, your body, nature and stop judging, comparing, but actually enjoying) and realized that there is nothing wrong how I look like and this is who I am and this was great.
There, I had an interesting observation. With hundreds of very open and mostly honestly kind; much more accepting and embracing people near the ocean, at the edge of the tropical jungle, far from any cities, I have noticed one particular kind of human in terms of social abilities.

This is going to be exaggeration, but in a way this is how I reacted back then.
I’ve seen these individuals as shining beacons among others, they are attractive, upbeat, extremely polite, generous, mostly everyone not just likes them but people are affected by their morale and they literally can talk with anyone about anything immediately, no need warming up, getting to know each other, they just step in and BAAM, they are ‘with me here‘.
Without being able to describe them, I’ve labelled them as ‘social demons‘ – I mean ‘demons’ not in the negative way at all, but rather as almost supernatural level of well refined and effective communication abilities.

I would have thought that I would be jealous to these individuals of how awesomely they are able to live aspects and qualities I never had, but always desired for; but the opposite happened: I realized that I can observe, listen to and interact with them and learn from them, meanwhile enjoying their company and it was an interesting realization.

Of course, they are not perfect, sometimes made mistakes or they were carried away and were not so cool with some other people and although I was still amazed by their abilities, I was also seeing that they are ordinary people, just this part of themselves they have practiced, experienced a lot, which I did not.

I rather was being good with computer systems, stoic philosophy and being obsessed with almost military-grade clinical thinking, which was only – and quite often – compromised, when I allowed myself to be overwhelmed with exerting suppressed emotions for too long.

Also during my far east travels, there were lot of times when I was ‘alone’, without friends, without money, without things with me to be preoccupied with. But for instance in India – you are rarely alone, mostly being among hundreds, thousands, sometimes even millions of others(Kumbh mela).
And I was able to open up to strangers – my approach came with the realization that I am on this train with this another human at the other side of the world and probably I will never see this person again, so why talk about superficial things, like weather, but why not to be completely open, and become vulnerable, meaning radically honest and have real moments with each other.

What to lose? Even if I screw up, appear as a fool, or someone not so cool, it’s like being in a role for a movie for a while, then move along. In a way, like in computer games, when I have the quest to go here and there and ask around, but what if I just shoot everything that moves. Well, in reality, obviously, it is not what I mean, but rather to just ‘step out of my character’. To dare to ask or tell something, which I could not feel doing so with a person at home, here, with this stranger, I was more easy to do so. The limit is literally my imagination.
This helped a LOT to go through many points of my personality and to see which I still enjoy, respect, and what part of me is still a bore, to be ashamed of or simply seeing, I do not like this within me, I want to change it. How I smile, how I articulate, how I walk, how I am losing my mind to a specific type of woman, sound or image, etc.

Before this trip, and even during it, I was doing zen meditation, then Tibetan too, some sacred geometry-related visualization, and man, I was thinking I am now becoming aware and it’s all great.
I was so wrong and I did not see the fall coming.

Multiple times I was facing near death experiences due to my recklessness and preoccupation in my mind and being in total out of sync with physical reality, what deeply shaken me within, much more than I realized back then, but it immediately pushed me out from my thinking mind for a while. After one particular event/experience, when I was almost crushed to the rocks of the wavy ocean, for several hours, I was present, it was like a flame was burning in my chest what pulled, grounded me here, although I was sick, injured and weakened, it did not matter, I was able to see it, but within the moments it did not matter.

Then I screwed it up, smoked again and fell back into my mind, but those moments burned into my beingness for ever, like a splinter in my thinking patterns about the fact that I could be so much more if I would never fall back into this thinking mind again.

And I had several years of training, practice and experience with meditation, read tons of books from various eastern and western teachers/writers, but I had to realize that although this was somewhat useful, I have to step beyond all of these. As part of this realization, I stopped drinking alcohol once and for all, which I never regret. After a while, that substance always made me more moody, swampy and less clear in my mind, and I understand if people gain more feel good experiences by doing this with their being, mind and body, for me it was and still clear that it’s self-sabotage, which I committed not to do so. I still had dozens of other problems within me, so this step was not an all-over solution, but certainly a stepping stone towards becoming more stable.

When I came back from Asia, my personality was, in a way split, one part of me was still trying to catch effects from the same old patterns, getting high, stimulating myself with intensified energetic experiences due to drugs, sex, danger or recklessness, but at the same time one other part of me grew doubting the other ‘me’ – and kept looking, searching for something new, with what I could make more sense, to find real answers.

I was so hungry for real change, although I have suffered through years to have this semi-wisdom and halo of excuses and justifications of why the world system is to be completely rejected, to hate money, law, lawyers and anyone happy, they are to blame, but I started to see through the lies and fake bliss of spirituality and new age too, mostly through my own mind-my life-sand-castles constantly falling apart.

I continue in the next post.

 

Day 317 – Controversial topics

controvThese are what they are, with the centralized mass-media, the unofficial and controversial information sources have been spread.

What is true, what is fake? This is now every day’s conversation. The information-era is at it’s perils.

It’s interesting to see that everyone has beliefs, opinions, judgements, and if anyone does not have, share, to persuade or trying to protect those, or does not care, then they are also being judged by others as sheep or blind followers of the enslavement system.
But the interesting part is that those who are quiet, it’s not that they do not have beliefs, opinions, judgements, but on top of those beliefs, they have a specific set of convictions about why they should not share and care to enter into this meme-war of consciousness of what’s right or true or real.

Because from a point, it literally becomes war, not only in the people’s minds, but on the actual fields and seas, sons of mothers go against each other, just because they have the belief of this is why is worthy to kill and die for. Pure insanity.

That’s why the internal conflicts, battles, frictions within our own mind never should be underestimated, because that is exactly what accepts and justifies external conflicts and wars, destruction and abuse in the world too.

An example: “I hate that I was so shy with this girl, I have missed the opportunity to ask her out, I am so fool, I HATE when I am like this.”

In this example I am actually being distracted with the emotional energy coming from the negative self-judgement, not focusing to the possible actual solution – to ask, why I was shy and coward and not stopping with that answer of :”Because it’s risky, I can screw this up and then I am done, she would never consider me as a potential partner.”
Then, to be able to see beyond this excuse is crucial: to see that I am afraid to lose something I give value to so much that actually I am being distracted and handicapped while doing it by the overwhelming vivid imagination of me failing in this, with her.

The willingness and actual, practical ability to be self-honest is the most important thing in life, I am certain, because without it, I am lost, untrustworthy and being exposed to the elements of all experiences, conditions in the world without being able to really understand, to change within.
Blame, projection, anger pointed to others, the world is being accepted and allowed as a hellhole for the majority, meanwhile if I would be honest to myself, I could directly see by approaching the levels of self-deception to discover how and why exactly I am responsible for what I experience, for what I conclude, for what I accept and allow and also for what I do.

So, here comes in the point of controversial topics, because it is also now all over the world, so many crazy ideas about what happened here and there, what is going on or how things do really work.

Controversial topics are actually cool, because within that I can have a reflection of who I am, what do I accept according to peer pressure of social acceptance and what is commonly believed to be true, what is actually proven, what I can prove for myself and what I have to actually walk through, work on and find out myself to be able to decide of whether it is real or made up.
And within that to also see how relevant the point is in my life, my neighbors life, all life’s perspective currently and in the long term as well.

In the current bank-debt-funded predatory capitalist system, where profit, revenue and income is the most important factor within pursuing safety, health and enjoyment, it is also an opportunity to deceive others for it.

And often, even the apparently ‘innocent’ ones are also causing irreversible and horrible consequences.
To persuade someone for a face creme to prevent aging for women might not seem as damaging, but if we can realize how exactly it’s being made, that it’s being tested on animals, if it’s factory keeping workers on sweatshop/slave level, if to see that the CEO of the 10.000 personnel company earns 10 percent of all the revenue, then I might consider that it’s not the best it could be.

I guess, it’s not that controversial as can be, let’s pick another one: vaccinations.
It’s also a heated discussion between parents, especially who had bad or horrible consequences by using these, often even compulsory treatments for children. Here and there some scientist appears trying to prove correlation between brain dysfunction and poisonous ingredients of vaccinations, then often people are being ridiculed when starting to question the authority, the corporations, the government.

As long as it’s a capitalist profit-oriented, revenue-hungry corporation funds, fabricates, persuades and sells these vaccinations, it is obviously questionable and when the whole process is not shared and being 100% transparent to the consumers, then it’s natural to want to know more about it, to see more research results.

There might be some really scary dark conspiracies in the background, but to gossipmonger all over – it’s bad and does not support any possible solution.

Mostly there is simple explanation: the fear relating to not survive in capitalism, greed; the never ending conquest for more and more profit drives people over common sense, beyond compassion and under dignity to the mind-state of superiority, justifying with principles like ‘survival of the fittest’, but those individuals are totally incapable of being self-honest to question their belief systems, to answer their self-dishonesty, thus not only becoming lost within their own realm of consciousness, but causing massive amount of abuse in the real world, what is being shared with everyone else.

Poisoning natural water sources, covering it up, marketing sickening products without warning, bribing their way out of it, fabricating casus belli and driving whole countries to war: it’s every day’s reality and anyone who accepts and justifies it with sentences like ‘This is us, human nature’, they are also part of the problem, not only the person who gives the orders to execute those atrocities every day.

I also have been ridiculed many times when bringing up a controversial topic, just because the TV does say that it’s conspiracy theory, because some things, if those would be really real, people would have to realize that their own version of reality is a delusion, which is difficult to give up, because that means they have invested maybe even decades into something what was almost completely a waste of time.

I do not think there is real evil, which would fight good and want to destroy, like in the tales – that’s existing only in the mind, polarity – a symbol of our own separation for LIFE itself, because there is no good without bad, no matter how GOOD I become, there will always will be BAD, because it’s all relative, make-belief. To balance out positivity taking all over, which would be also totally impractical, negativity appears. What we see in the world, it always reflects back to our own mind and vice versa.

That’s why it’s imperative to have a willingness and actual ability to investigate and sort out my own beliefs, judgements, delusions, because that is how I really discover myself and the world, that’s how I decide what’s real and what is bullshit.

We like it or not, there are a LOT of things humans in general do not yet comprehend in this world.

Remnants of ancient civilizations – total mystery, people have ideas and beliefs about what happened, but there are so many – and most people ignore these, because there is no ‘mainstream opinion/proof’, so until that it’s just controversial. Someone else to figure it out. Or based on some interest, promote something, what’s maybe real.

How much those things are really relevant in my own individual life, process of self-honesty? That’s the practical question one has to answer as well.

Or the flat-earthers, they are consistently sharing these articles and videos to prove why the earth is flat, the sun is very close and they are obviously pissed off that nobody believes them, they feel cheated, lied to and humiliated with the world, the system, the government, science, because they feel they know the truth and most people don’t or don’t care. How much that is relevant?
Unless I am working with satellites, weather, or within the hello: ‘space’ industry; how much of my every day life is influenced by the possibility that earth is not a sphere-like space rock, but something else?

I had my own crusades about several of so called controversial topics, according to drugs and spirituality, because when one day I’ve realized that how I lived, what to I’ve built my experiences, culture and personality – it was based on self-deception, thus I had to let it go. For some it’s more difficult to give up, to acknowledge that ‘I was wrong’. For me it is no problem if I was wrong, but right now to be wrong with the knowledge that it might not be real, relevant or common sense, that would be more self-dishonest than to just change.

When with desteni support I was able to figure out myself of how I was deceiving myself with the spirituality and drugs, I’ve felt compelled to expose all the gurus and masters, anything relating to mantras and chakras as total distraction.

Because it did not work for me.
Because I’ve realized that my starting point with them was self-dishonest, therefore I assumed that anyone and everyone participating within spirituality are equally self-deceivers by default.

Maybe not, maybe yes, I do not know that for certain, but the methods, the symbolism: for me it’s obvious how and why it’s flawed, I understand it now, I can word and explain it, I can see the points where I’ve recouped it with hopes, beliefs – therefore I am not interested in participating in these things at all. Also I have responsibility to share my realizations, because that might support others too realize the same mistakes I’ve made.

And it’s quite tricky, because if someone repeats mantras for hours, of course it will have an effect, accumulating energy, expectation, the sound vibration, the set and setting becomes also relevant. But it’s like trying to have a medical operation of my eyes through my bottom(from the silly movie parody called Hot Shots, they call it multiopiloptomy).
Especially tricky if I do not understand how my mind’s energy-house-holding works – I might just feed my mind with energy to be able to balance shit out and I feel more calm, but under the carpet, still the same, I do not have to radically change, to face my self-dishonesties directly, for instance addictions, not taking responsibility, being untrustworthy for myself and my partner or my boss, to make actual difference in the world, no, I just have to repeat 111.111 mantras and it will have effect, good karma and while doing it I will have insights.
For me this is now not direct and honest enough.

I’d rather ask myself and answer directly about things, points, problems, solutions. No need for magical vibrations, I have voice, I have words already. That I am here to live.

When I go to a shop, I don’t use mantra to get food, I use words. When I communicate with my partner on solving a conflict, I use words again, and if I want to stand out in front of the crowd to share support on how to transcend the mind, again and eventually always: I use words. So why not work with that directly? Common sense.

When I actually do something, I do it with my human physical body, so it’s also common sense to make it home, my starting point, my temple, my presence – without allowing interference from my mind of fear, of overwhelming and distracting emotions, regardless of positive or negative, which is just relative to my own interest, even if it’s projected onto something or someone, it’s still MY interest. But who I am is not just me, but equally is in the rest too. So it’s also common sense to consider all participants of the given system as equals, thus manifesting what is best for all. But it’s going to be damn difficult if I rely to spiritual practices and energetic experiences to ground myself and become consistent and constant within my direction and presence. Rather write down the words, investigate the words, let go of not supporting definitions, associations of words, re-define words and live them directly, so then no need to doubt, fear, complicate or judge, just directly live.

Maybe there was a time in world history when chakras and these spiritual things did have more effect on reality, the minds, but nowadays it’s just through the mind consciousness system, people’s beliefs, convictions, self-persuasions.

That is what I have investigated, tested, realized, lived. But I would not want to persuade anyone that I am right or others are not. Time will tell everything. Manifested consequences too. As Bernard Poolman stated:

There is no such thing as truth, only denial of what is here.

I went into more details with this point to share that how I take on practical approach with common sense on a point, instead of feelings and reactions. But the same principle can be applied to other controversial – or in fact any kind of topic.

I only can share as much as I can about my process, what I have experienced, seen, realized and why – then if anyone has better angle, then share it with me, I am absolutely open for re-evaluating my entire life. And everyone should be.

Another controversial topic to reflect back on self-leadership – writing some details so some conspiring dudes or dudettes can relate with: Investigating 9/11 was an inside job or it’s a hoax, was there aeroplane hijacking or planned demolition, temperature of the airplane fuel versus the melting point of reinforced steel or mossad agents versus found saudi passports – those the points people can argue about and it’s never ending. What that actually would imply about ‘our own’ – in fact USA – government is terrifying about how far leadership can justify to go in order to follow their agenda, to keep balance of their insanely unbalanced budget, the mysterious disappearance of massive amount of money. The downstream total destruction of an other country, accusations of weapons of mass destructions, oil industry, weapon industry, drug industry, media industry, we like it or not, these questions are maybe relevant.

And if I investigate from SELF – I can ask – why is there leadership, why there are people not wanting to be responsible, why need control, anarchy, war or peace, what those actually mean versus what I think or feel about.
How am I not living my potential, not living LEADERSHIP as I could be, how I am following, obeying, expecting and accepting instead of initiating, directing, planning, anticipating, moving? That is where I should start, not blaming the president or the banks. If I do not like it, I should show a better way, I should be part of the solution, I should join politics then and change by living as an example of my definition of good. That’s self-honest. That is the way forward. Not protesting and burning cars on street, whistling at public speeches or trolling and cursing online. Anyone does that – stating the obvious – they accept their powerlessness. But it’s still way to change, starting self here:

What’s relevant here for me in my real life is to reflect these kind of events back to self:

What is terror in my own life, how am I terrorizing myself, my environment and family, what is my own mind-authority and how and when and why it steps in to simply overrule another initiative within me, for instance having an idea about helping that weak man on the road, but then I would think, “What my cool and rich friends would think of me, and anyway I might become dirty while helping him, and he is maybe stinky as well, and anyway, he already survived up to this day, he will be fine, I do not have change, only using credit card”.

Not saying that to give some coins would actually make the world to a better place, but if I have these inner dialogues/frictions, that’s also my responsibility to unify myself about, not accepting any conflict of opposing interests.
It is maybe difficult to have absolute clarity about something, but this should not mean we just give it up – but then I have to be able to change, when I see that I was wrong.

And once I am able to see through my own internal battles, when I am not going into emotional war within when being triggered with a more intense experience, news, condition, but I can stand within clarity, being able to question everything I think, feel, say and do, then I am becoming able to stop self-dishonest patterns I discover, then I can also stop acting/living out those self-dishonesties and change becomes reality.

But if I have these emotional storms, reactions, anger, jealousy, fear, insecurity issues WHILE full blown ‘investigating’ these controversial topics, I might just find what I want to be found, I might bend the information to my own distorted perception.

Instead of judging wars in the world and get emotional, angry or sad, to ask myself – how I am waging war within myself in the first place? What do I resist, fight, want to win, dominate, eradicate, exterminate within with force?
That’s why SELF process is first, not because selfishness is the way – it’s the exact opposite actually. I take responsibility and it can only start with self, otherwise anything else I try to accomplish will be biased with the already accepted and allowed self-dishonesty within.

Self-forgiveness is an awesome self-supporting tool, which is simple, direct and free process to apply.

It encourages to become detail-oriented, by writing/typing it, I slow down, thus emotions do not tend to overwhelm that quickly.
Also supports with humility, to see, that in a simple conversation how many self-dishonesty I can accept, so then I understand that it’s pointless to blame anyone, but to ensure first that I stand within clarity and no influence of any fear, blame or anger.

I dare to give myself a chance, and many state that it’s not their way, style, method – I also never would have thought that this is what I am going to apply for years – this can be more tough sometimes, when realizing some nasty shit within me I covered up with excuses and thus failing with something constantly, but that’s also an indication that I am walking through resistances, limitations.

Also I’ve shouted wolf so many times about what’s real, what’s the solution, the source of best coolness in the world with various methods, groups, techniques, but Self-forgiveness is the most awesome and effective awareness tool I’ve ever encountered and this is what I stand for since almost ten years and still so much to learn and unlearn, discover and change.

At EQAFE, I was able to listen through a LOT of controversial topics, as its being explained in a style, which is like just listening to someone sitting near to me and it’s mind-blowing and also liberating, not only to understand things I always wanted to know, but when I try to apply those supporting points I’ve heard, no matter the topic, I can.

Thus I strongly recommend to check out EQAFE for a new type of library of understanding. https://eqafe.com

For trying out, understanding Self-forgiveness, the mind, consciousness, thoughts, emotions, and how to deal with those and take responsibility for: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 316 – A decade of Process

Reflecting back to my process of what I have realized and sharing one of my greatest challenges I faced during the last decade and how supportive and inspiring the desteni community, online and study material is within changing self-dishonest patterns.

I am grateful for the community called desteni(as referring to taking our and life’s destiny into our hands).

It was about ten years ago(around 2007 spring/summer, then started writing this blog in 2008 january), when I started to study and apply the material, the tools, principle within my life. Here is my first post from 2008 and my expression/English language was not as refined as today, but the message was clearly the same already:
https://talamon.wordpress.com/2008/01/18/the-unification-of-men-is-here/

talvlog-1There is a vast amount of online sources of study material available for supporting individual and collective understanding of various aspects of humanity, nature and existence.

Desteni I Process Lite http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Desteni I Process Pro http://desteniiprocess.com

Self-supporting audio-books http://eqafe.com

Self-supporting videos http://schoolofultimateliving.com

 

 

Day 314 – Resistances to Discipline

img_3819Recently  I’ve discovered within several areas of my life that one of my most relevant self-limitations is the lack of discipline.

Within my DIP pro course’s assignment and my personal projects I’ve realized the lack of progress due to not being disciplined.

Also there are several self-support ‘daily challenges‘ I always see as very supportive, yet often I spend a day without applying it.

Furthermore, I am busy with self-stopping, self-changing and self-creation and this means to look at certain patterns, behaviors, reactions within me to re-write so to speak. Although I could write more to prepare, pre-script and thus support myself, I see that the problem does not exists within writing or lack of writing. That’s just the consequence.

This whole thing seems like I am a type of guy who does not enjoy life and always finding problems to solve, never satisfied with himself and there is nothing better to do in my life than just basically being obsessed with myself.

On the contrary, I see with what aspects of me I simply could be much honest, direct, effective and responsible, so why not change?

Resistances, indeed, that’s why not to change.

Because I resist it on thinking logical and rational level – which might be the most challenging for many, because who does not like logic, must be a fool. Although logic can be quite limiting as well, especially, when not all factors are investigated throughoutly, and then thus a person can tell – my logic says it’s all cool, nothing world with the world – while someone else’s logic could say – it’s all screwed up.

Then comes the emotional/feeling justification – well, it’s still of logic, just the person’s limited perspective’s logic.

If I feel frustration and anger when I try to solve this problem I am facing, I should just rage against the problem and after a while to give up or justify it that ‘it can’t be done’ or ‘it’s not my way’.

A simple, almost insignificant example: I was editing a little film we’ve shot some years ago and we did not finish the editing. Recently with my friend we’ve agreed to do so and currently it’s on me to finish a short, color corrected, sound-effected version of it.

This point I got frustrated with actually happened already some times, so if I could have been aware of the possibility, and thus not go into frustration. Although I’ve recognized it shortly, but at least one minute I’ve spent with frustration before applying common sense.

The video editor had an update and converted my project file and did not auto-save as it supposed to be. And it froze, lost what I worked on and I was like ‘nooooooooooooooo’ for a little while. This is quite normal while working with computers, no matter, even if the best hardware and software is present, shit just can happen and thus to rant about it is quite silly actually.

Then I restarted the software, saved more frequently and actually made it better.

One of the reasons I mention frustration here in relation to discipline is that it can turn to be an excuse why giving into resistances not to do what I decided and planned to do.

Within many professions there are a lot of parts what can trigger annoyance and frustration, and it does not have to be like that, but somehow I give into that experience and then I am being distracted from disciplined application.

By looking my relationship with discipline, I’ve discovered some self-dishonesties in relation how I am sabotaging to live this word to my utmost potential, which I walk through here with Self-forgiveness to acknowledge the extent of self-dishonest acceptances and allowances.

What I already see is that I used to have some phases in my life when I was able to apply so to speak unbreakable discipline in regarding to some specific applications I’ve decided to do and I was unwavering, had no doubt, could not distract any reaction or doubt and thus any possible reason to get frustrated with or annoyed by, simply bounced off me.
These actions and experiences made me realize that my will indeed can be disciplined to the potential of absolute, but at the same time, instead of making this realization, expression and quality to become my natural expression, I’ve rather laid back satisfied with the knowledge of that if I’d need, I could apply it when needed.

So, let’s explore this a bit more specifically.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I defined to be satisfactory to ‘know’ that I can have discipline when needed, when decided and within that not realizing that the very action of ‘accepting myself to be undisciplined and then always relying on a decision to become disciplined again’ is already a lack of discipline and self-conviction of excuses and justifications of why I do not need to continue exploring, working, integrating and living the word discipline as myself as equal here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within accepting myself to believe that I can and should occasionally decide when to apply this discipline what I believed to be absolute, just like a superpower, or an ability, which I only can turn on for a while until it’s needed and then to turn it off and to become a so to speak ‘ordinary’ human, who accepts reactions, distractions, frustrations and giving ups.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that my action of disciplined movement was not absolute as I was relying on a condition which by I was able to exclude the option of not giving up and giving into distractions and within that not realizing what that condition was, which owned, controlled me without me noticing, acknowledging, questioning it.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the self-conviction for become disciplined was originated from cycles of reactions, distractions, frustrations and anger toward myself of accepting self-limitations, suppressing myself for long and by that accumulation being able to turn into a maintained experience of discipline, which seemed as I am directing it and I am enjoying it’s fruitful result, but in fact I was not in absolute direction and the proof for that was that my discipline always stopped at a certain point in relation to the application I was applying it to.

To give context: discipline often was certain kinds of meditations, getting a specific project or job done and within that not realizing that I was quite obsessive and narrowminded, which means I was actually excluding, disregarding everything else, which might seem as a cool tactic, but within that, and especially after these ‘sessions’ – I always faced with the consequence of totally falling out of my reality for too long, too much, and thus manifesting things, points, with what I actually created the opposite, what I wanted.

For instance, with discipline, I believed that if I just do what’s most important to do, then I will have more time on that by ignoring everything else in my life which should get my attention regularly for a bit, but it was always the opposite.

By disregarding many things which usually do not require too much time to take care of, those grew up into problems and then I had to spend more time with them to solve them and thus ending up with the need to ‘break’ that discipline and eventually losing much more time than I did feel ‘winning’ by only focusing to what was important.

This should be practical common sense 101, but not for me as I always had resistance towards scheduling, regular actions as always felt like as the opposite of freedom, which would be that at any given time I should be able to just do whatever I want, like travel to another country, spend a week in a forest, not specifically about what to be able to do, but about the immediacy, the spontaneity, which I identified with freedom.

I always felt like doing the daily routines makes me total slave, and interestingly I know someone quite close to me who has the opposite perception on that, he NEEDS a regular day job, otherwise he would fall apart.

Well, since my relationship with freedom, much have been changed, certainly my new application of discipline as well, but I never specifically focused to this word with not just letting go, purification, but also the practical re-definition. Well, in fact I did some time ago, but as I am facing greater challenges recently(due to more direct change I apply to my living and also embarking towards new skills and level of dedication), I see the space for support within me to walk this through with self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the ability, possibility and expression to be able to live the word discipline, but not in relation to things outside of me in this world, rather then to see how can I live the word discipline directly here, unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have believed that discipline takes energy to maintain and always resulting with a sacrifice, with what I pay with for it’s sustainment of ‘heightened’ awareness towards something and within that not realizing that it’s based on polarity, self-interest and relying on conditions out of my direct power, thus in reality, it’s not MY discipline, but rather I am being triggered to give my full attention towards something for a specific reason.

I forgive myself that I have not realized to see the way I go into discipline ‘mode’ is actually similar as I go into various specific distractions from presence, and in that matter, I am actually being possessed with an idea of discipline, while all happens is that I am bound to focus towards one particular point, meanwhile disregarding everything else, and thus as applying this, it is not real, self-lived discipline, but as a mind-state, which has beginning and end, and although I might can be convinced, that it’s self-directed, it is not, otherwise I would be able to apply it any time or always.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am justifying why not needing to have discipline all the time in relation to many things, and within it’s essence the very expression to live discipline towards anything, already relies to the ability of living the word discipline myself here directly and within that acknowledging that I am not living discipline and I have not yet established discipline as self-expression, pronounced on it’s ‘natural’ quality, meaning unconditional, unwavering, self-directed, being context aware.

I forgive myself that I have defined discipline as a focus towards one particular point while disregarding everything else and only caring about that goal I am interested within and not realizing that this might work on some short actions, but certainly not in relation to bigger projects, wherein I’d only create more frustration by being unable to maintain this kind of energetic discipline for long enough.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that discipline also can mean to make a commitment and create a trusted relationship with myself in relation to what I am going to accept and allow and what certainly not, and within that how I am going to overcome challenges, temptations, reactions and not give into any excuse and justification WITHOUT needing to have energy, accumulated frustration to fuel such focus.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to give the space and time, trust and opportunity for myself to learn to move without energy, without polarity and judgement, act without frustration and being motivated and care about points outside of me without fear or desire.
I commit myself to develop discipline within myself, in relation to my starting point, my mind and physical body self-expression to not need a reason to be honest with myself and not wait for frustration, self-limitation and anger to appear as an indirect motivation to make me move and focus, as it’s not only counter-productive and self-dishonest, but also undermining self-trust and integrity.

I commit myself to not give into physical body experience resistances, such as dullness, tiredness, which is coming from the mind, as the manifested consequence of judgements towards past acceptances and allowances, which I stand up to, become equal and one by walking self-forgiveness through all the words I become aware of I would react to and I forgive myself to let each go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it’s enough to know that I have discipline, it’s enough to have memories of the past when I had discipline and not realizing that discipline is only real when I am living it without separation of my mind’s knowledge, memory, reasons.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have not yet lived up to my potentials with discipline based on the self-identification with excuses and justifications not yet acknowledged, forgiven, given up as I face my daily applications.

I forgive myself that I have not yet committed myself REALLY to daily application of discipline and within that to see with what and how, first and foremost: why I compromise my discipline and to walk through those points to become disciplined within – even discipline.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the potential I have in terms of letting go self-limitations and honouring life in each breath equally.

When and as I fear I am missing out by applying discipline, because now going into ‘focus mode’, I realize that I do not need to fall into that, to get obsessed with to be able to progress and not fall into temptations to be distracted and giving up, but instead of fighting through these, also I can gently, honestly decompose such patterns for real with living self-forgiveness as actual change.

 

I will continue to share with my realizations and practical applications on the occasions when I was able to apply unwavering discipline, what I’ve seen as a gift/ability back then, which then later on I abused(thus myself) by excuses, judgments and reactions, thus to diminish it into memory, knowledge and self-definition instead of consistent living application.

Day 311 – Changing the World starts with changing SELF

img_0978I am kind of flu-ish right now, but realized this does not stop me from sharing some points today.

Let’s look a day like a mini-creation. I mean, I am already created, the world is too, but in terms of what if I would wake up like I am actually a creator, meaning I could literally create and/or change things.
In my life and in the world equally so.
What would I change? Stop all wars in the world, end slavery, stop the destruction of biodiversity and nature’s healthy ecosystem. This seems like a good choice, but what if those of my changing/creating abilities are not actually magical, supernatural, but totally from this world. I mean we all know that there are actual individuals who are leading the way of re-shaping specific aspects of society with their power of influence, inventions and innovative investments. Just giving an example: electric car. It’s inevitable now, what car company does not brings out awesome electric cars in the next 5-10 years, they soon will fade away silently. Okay, probably there will always be some petrolhead, but here talking about the majority.
So if I look at what it would take to imagine/plan/finance/develop/create/maintain/profit and expand such company: it’s not magical – but a lot of effort, work, work and work. That’s what I am referring to here.
Not the excuses and justifications, but to see what it would take to change the world.

This might not be an obvious approach, so let’s go like this:

What if I would not be limited from within, mentally, emotionally, morally at all – ever – and then this comes up: I’d be then limited by financially, right? Because if I would have endless amount of money, how things would be much-much easier?
But really? I’d hire a bunch of professionals of what I’d like them to do, like ‘fix the economy’ or ‘make people become smarter’.
Hehe, does not those super-rich politicians do exactly like this, the latest monkeylord presidents here and there, and probably soon there will be more of these opportunists – don’t they do what they think is the best? It does not matter in what context of what interest they mean -the best-. Of course it matters, but what it takes to get into such position is also a question here.

I am sure they will have to be absolute dedication, commitment, self-trust and relentless effort of accumulating of actually DOING STUFF. Only actions are relevant, all thoughts are like smoke – fly away pretty quick.

I do really want to change the world, make it better, not needing children to suffer as much as I did suffer, although in comparison I did not suffer that much as other kids suffer elsewhere – I definitely wish to end that too.
In fact by looking at the kids starving to death, being drone-missiled to shreds, being brainwashed as suicide bombers – or being a 7 years old slave in a sapphire-mine or a scrapyard – my own childhood limitations and sufferings were like a privileged happy barbie camp.

But still – my family was struggling, most of the adults often shouted and argued drunk, because of lack of money, their fear and insecurities plus their constant petty blaming all the time. I could use better clothes, more proper equipment, gear to learn and study a lot more effectively, especially if some of my school teachers would not have been such douches and hitting me several times, which did hurt me not really physically, but also made me realize, I should trust myself, not in school, not in family support, not in others – although my constant desire was to find somebody or something to tell me what to do and how to do it – and it never came.

The real support was to show me how can I support and assist myself to change my world, which originates from me, within, myself here. How I would want to change the world of everyone if I can’t stop being nervous when talking to a woman I like? Or how could I imagine being an inspiring leader for the betterment of humanity if I am shy and uncertain when I would have to make a speech or talk in front of a bunch of people?
More specifically:
How could I become an example of world change, if I could not change my self-compromising habits, such as being addicted to relentlessly avoiding responsibility, stability and consistency, unwilling and unable to commit myself to a real partnership? I had to realize that who I was had to die, I have to rebirth and reinvent, re-define and re-create myself.
Although my aim was getting more clear of what I have to do, for a while I was mesmerized with experiences and intensity, desires and inner resistances, I walked some years with spirituality, psychedelic drugs and a sort of off-grid lifestyle. Well, after a while this did lead to literally nowhere and I’ve walked some big cycles and after each I’ve found myself literally at the same spot I’ve started with nothing but myself here.
It was obvious that what I accumulate has no merit, no substance and no real self-trust here.

So after the next hit rock bottom experience, I’ve re-started searching for the N. time and this time I’ve found something really interesting, about the concept of self-honesty, the principle of equality and oneness and the practical application of self-forgiveness. That immediately hit my mind, like a virus and could not let go.

Then I literally dropped immediately all previous concepts, belief systems, processes, methods, thoughts and realized that I always chase oneness and equality separately and the only reason was that I always remained separated, thus powerless from being one AND equal with myself at the same time, is because of my mind, my consciousness, my systematic thought, emotion, feeling-processes, basically pre-conditioned to situations, experiences, words, sound, visual and other sensory stimuli.

In this world, the ability to change starts with changing myself to being able to see things as they are – also starting with self: seeing what I am accepting and allowing currently.

And it’s a tough one, never to be underestimated. Even though I am literally accepting and allowing everything to exist and continuing to be re-created in this world, on this earth, within this human ‘civilization’, I am not aware of the specifics, thus I do not understand, I am literally unaware.
I am not even aware of how my own human physical body works – seems like magic, science itself is still only scratching the surface, so how can I be so sure of what’s possible and what not if not investigated anything and everything by myself?

Again – although seems so fascinating to jump into the household of living cells and DNA-reproduction, I’d still start with my immediate, obvious reality within and around me – let’s say human relationships, family. Why? Because it’s here, I can approach it every day, I can work with it, I can slow down, I can create distance and observe, I can get closer, I can interact, it’s a direct system, which is here. Of course not everyone is fortunate enough to have family or not being totally douche bags, but most of us have ~okay~ family to start to learn about self.

Even though, I want to change let’s say how my family members argue and fight with each other, and every time I am among them, I get frustrated, ashamed, nervous, angry and then I also might start shouting at them and eventually leaving them and spending time to calm down, blame them, basically giving up on them, but not really, -not giving up- on them either, thus constantly re-creating the cycle of the same pattern. Even further: it always changes, evolves a bit more each time it happens, what’s being accumulated becomes part of reality and once actions were made, words have been said, there is consequence, which of some cannot be changed back. For instance in my family, once I witnessed how my drunk grandpa took the door off from it’s hinges and started to bash other family members with it while my mum jumped at his neck with a knife to save my grandma from him and luckily no one has injured seriously, but that scene probably influenced me much more than just watching it on TV and my family’s and probably my own life could have been gone into different direction if that night would have ended with a fatality, which was kind of luck in a way… So yes, irreversible consequences do exist. Best cure is prevention.

In this situation for instance, – when the family is only at ‘argument level’ – although it seems like obviously ‘my family members’ are the problem in my world, what I’d like to change – who I am today and how I handle ‘them’ – makes it impossible to have actual direction, influence and power, the ability to solve actual problems.
Why? Because I am part of this system now, as long as I am automatically reacting, then acting upon those reactions – I am part of the problem.

So, even though it might seem as good idea to somehow get control over the arguing people’s conversation, my starting point is influenced by, motivated with my own reactions, which is already stimulating me in a way I might not be aware to the utmost extent, because when I am in it, I am of it too.

Thus, first step is to be able to see what I am accepting and allowing and take responsibility for that.
Also to take responsibility for what I have not accepted and allowed to see/realize/understand about this, within me, in relation to the situation.

Then I can realize that I could totally not react, not get angry, emotional, taking it personally the things I hear/see from others and it’s a process to stop reacting to the things I’ve defined and experienced as negative since aeons of time. That’s my interest and there will be a lot of justifications of why it’s in my interest to do so.

Until I do not take a ‘leap of faith’ in this stopping/decompositing with the realization that ‘it’s bad enough now to start questioning’ – I will not stop automatically judging and reacting, and thus I will not be able to start to really see and understand what’s going on.

And the more reactions and judgements, emotions and thought-patterns I can prevent re-occuring within me, the more I will be able to understand, not only about myself, but the dynamics of these ‘arguments’, the other participants too.

It’s the next point I should look at – my justifications – is there any polarity, self-interest, emotional charge, reaction in regarding to those words of with I justify? To take responsibility for that is common sense. Part of the healing process.

It does not mean I should accept bully and abuse, definitely not, but I should not react with pre-defined patterns, which by I get locked into an experience automatically.

For instance if everyone gets angry around me and I could remain stable and directive, that would already be such a presence among them, that they might recognize it already – and furthermore I could start to see them for the first time without being distracted and overwhelmed by my own reactions in regarding to them.

Then still – to see what comes up in my mind, what judgement, positive or negative about others, and I also take responsibility for those – because it seems like it’s about them, well, it’s still within me, completely, thus until I can’t stop that – I will not directly see the situation, the others.

It’s pretty obvious. Well, it was not for me 9 years ago, and it might not be for someone else, but it’s even within science has been proven – the observer by it’s own observation already influences the observed. Meaning, what I experience about someone can be uncontrollably biased my own preconceptions. How can I be sure that I am not doing it? Practical understanding to it’s utmost specificity.

If I am not aware of what I actually thought 2 minutes before and why; or 5 minutes, ten minutes before – that literally means I am not really aware. I might be always conscious within a certain context, but certainly not aware. That’s a huge difference.

Consciousness vs awareness – knowing vs understanding. And if I do not understand how and why my thoughts pester in my head, it should be pretty obvious that I am not really aware of why I am doing what I am doing.

And this alone literally makes it impossible to objectively see, not only myself, but then based on my perception then: anything and everyone, including myself.

It’s like I try to change something in the world, which I am not even seeing clearly. Obviously I am not going to change it as I’d like to. It’s like when I put on binoculars the wrong way and I try to walk around and as I try to grab objects around me – my perception is wrong! Or opening up a car hood and randomly poking around with a wrench while not having any idea how this works – the chances of making it better are thin, most probably I’d make things worse.

Silly, but quite accurate comparison and example.

Then people, as they realize that their effort is not bringing the result they desire, they get more angry and choose to deal the situation with control, aggression – deception or weapons and destruction.

If I can’t explain to my neighbours why would be awesome to live in peace, I might soon ending up persuading someone, or the whole ‘nation’, the ‘congress’, the ‘cabinet’ that ‘those are the problem’ and a couple of thousands of thermonuclear weapons of mass destructions will be the solution for our ‘defense’ and peace. Insane, but this is the reality we are facing on earth.

One unrealized singular thought in the head is enough to misinterpret the reality and thus totally reacting with a really silly action with full confidence. Then imagine how many thoughts people have all the time, every day. Hundreds and thousands! It’s actually scary and sad at the same time, especially when one realizes the extent of deep shit we put ourselves into, individuals and humanity as a whole as well.

But then again – it’s not common sense to overreact on this topic either – but until someone does not admit the extent of insanity and total powerlessness of our own existence through our biased perception, our own mind consciousness system, then the individual will still trust reactions, thoughts, more easily get tempted to project, blame and justify, give up or overreact, because that’s the language of CONsciousness.

All in short – any change must start with self – because as the reality currently exists, including SELF here – is part of it, resonates with it, accepts it, as allows it – the individual is already equal and one with the problem, just not yet became aware of it, in details of it’s creation, and thus having no practical understanding how to accumulate actions towards changing it as self as equal as one.

All starts with apparently insignificant steps, changing the world starts with changing self. Until I can’t change myself, how would I like to change the world, which is a much complex system.

I indeed grew up in an arguing family, I used to react, I used to suppress, I used to judge, I used to accept such behavior until I realized I do not have to and if I ever want to change it, start supporting the arguing individuals, first I have to become the living example who I’d support with.

In Hungary, there is the saying: Help yourself and the god will help you. It refers to not wait, beg or pray for help, but do it yourself and within that you realize that you are creator and created already, now just have to live with that opportunity and for that there is no need any religion or belief.

For most of a problematic situation there is no one blueprint to always apply – sometimes to speak up, sometimes to walk away, sometimes to raise or lower voice – but never of emotions, never of energetic possessions, that’s certain. That’s like petrol to fire – just uncontrollable.

I also used to have problem with raising my voice, because it was intertwined and associated, remembered, pre-programmed within me with losing control, I used to shout only, when I already lost temper.

And interestingly, when I had to raise my volume, even when there was no argument, emotion, pretty soon I became reactive.
Example: talking with someone on the phone. The other person does not hear me, asks me to repeat it louder, and thus I do, but still, the other can’t hear me, so keeps asking me to speak louder, and all of a sudden I am shouting like a maniac. It’s like triggering all the suppressed angers. No control, no integrity, no honour in that situation, just stupid anger, which I know is not even related to the other person or the situation – or is it?
That’s the ‘beauty’ of emotions – blinding, demanding and exhausting they are.

And when I mention ’emotions’ – I do not mean love, happiness, freedom – I call emotions as negative: anger, hate, jealousy – while positive reactions as feelings – and each of those are result of self-delusion actually. Yes. Real love should never be some fuzzy, warm, positive energetic experience. Drugs can do that, even sugar with the body directly – is that love? Not really.

Love is only real when it’s lived directly. In action. Not in the mind in relation to something or someone. That’s just imagination, self-conviction, self-delusion actually. Words should not exist separately from self, the energetic experiences – that means observing, judging, categorizing through and as the mind, like a computer. Better to Live Words. Express Words, Become Words.
Nowadays I am much-much less influenced by people’s argument, tension, because it’s not supporting me and I’ve worked with that, I committed myself to prevent myself to go into those patterns/reactions.

I used to believe that to be sensitive, open, vulnerable means to allow other’s suffering to influence me, unbalance me, and thus ending up me kind of feeling the same. That’s not real either. That’s just reaction in the mind again. Also not really supportive, as to really support someone, I shall be stable and balanced.

I remember, when I used to travel in the metro and seeing those sad, exhausted, lonely and tired faces – I became sad too, I was completely unhappy and I believed that now I am connected.

At the same time I always judged and admired the people who are unaffected and completely unaware of how others feel, although they always seemed as totally self-centered and rude, but I wished for being able to have a direction within this, to find the balance between really sensing and still remain stable.

For some people for instance North India was fascinating, amazing, magical – for me it was horrible, ashaming and deeply disturbing, because some saw the nice things, such as buildings, landscapes, ancient cultures while I often focused to the illiterate, starving, begging, miserable masses of poverty, where people behave like zombies.

As I see it now – neither is self-honest, because the other person was focusing only to the positive, while I was fixated to the negative.

But not a real supportive manner, because I was not seeing directly how things are, but I was seeing through my negative judgement. And it does not mean for instance slavery is not wrong! It’s absolutely unacceptable, but I should not get worked up by negative emotions to a degree of ‘losing it’ when experiencing such phenomenon, because then I also lose direction, effectiveness and practical common sense.

This process then also brings up how morality, inner compass, the whole personality is just an elaborate facade and once we poke around our personality, motivation, it also can become totally empty and fake, just as those self-generated negative emotions or positive feelings. Life must be far beyond than these silly games. But then how to relate, connect, feel and live?

Isn’t it possible to support someone without feeling sorry and sad, because of how much the person suffered?

From another angle? Why can’t I trust myself that I would do the right thing without morality, which is taught, conditioned? Why can’t I do something supportive to someone else, who I don’t feel sorry for?

How can I ensure that once I find real self-trust, stability and unwavering constant and consistent presence, that I will not lose myself to the point of being unable to relate to anyone else but myself?

Humbleness is also key here, and principled living, to act upon what is best for all participants, including self here. And then if I am unaware of what that would actually mean, before – or after – I’d judge it, that it’s crazy, impossible, naive or utopistic, I see/realize and understand that I maybe know too much and it’s time to unlearn and by that starting to see with naked/virgin eye again, with the innocence of a child, but within awareness, responsibility and consistent presence.

Thus – changing the world – only can start with self here. One can start by listing up by how possibly could become more effective and then also to write down what are the actual facts what seem to block those possibilities to become real. Then to go further and to investigate, what I could actually do about it? How I’d do it? Do I know and understand enough for that? If not, then what it would take and how actually?

Be always on point – and if challenging, which probably will be at some point, it’s never shame to utilize writing, well, it’s literally the alchemy of creation to be the master of words, not the slave of them, so I’d encourage everyone to write regularly. Self perspective, not to keep blaming and justifying, but taking responsibility and to see what can be done and what should be forgiven to be able to move on.

 

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Day 307 – Anxiety/excitement separation

img_9036An interesting point opened up – I was about to go to a place with someone and I had this experience of anxiety and excitement at the same time. It was not even certain if it’s positive or negative, I guess it was neither and both at the same time. However it was not direct and directed by me, and I could not really just say stop, so started to look at what’s this
A 2 minute video about the experience:

When I experience and live through my mind, it’s a separation, not I am directing, not I am creating, not I am actually experiencing directly, but I deal with everything through my mind’s ‘interface’.

It’s a typical system within the mind – my mind: certainly – two parts of the opposite polarities, conflicting about it within, making me look inside, not the actual cause, but the consequence, the reactions, the experience.

So as I am excited with anticipation and anxious with worry at the same time and I am still drained towards the event/experience – and by actually doing so, realizing that it’s not about the place, not about the person I go with, but with my own mind-setup and reactions being triggered.

Even pretending to not being aware what I am doing – certainly yes – denying, procrastinating, distracting – to say no at a situation and to say yes in another – while even having the slightest doubt – resulting with emerging emotions and feelings rendering me actual dumb, in the sense of all self-trust, confidence and integrity I can ruin in a second – within me – in relation to myself – and from that point I am exposed to all of my still unresolved self-dishonesty. Secret desire – which I did not even admit to myself yet? Denied resistance, what I should take responsibility for to embrace?

Important to realize that within the path to absolute self-honesty – any mistake might seem as absolute self-dishonesty – so it’s to discipline, re-align and not to judge myself.

But if I rely to not push to my utmost potentials, just because ‘I will not judge myself’ – that’s again undermining self-trust and self-direction – resulting to wallow into more self-dishonesty deliberately, until I will stand up.

So it’s not just to realize that I am one with this experience, or I am equal with it – but if I am not one and equal with and as ‘it’, which means being aware of if to it’s utmost specificity, being able to direct it as myself – then that means I am not one and equal with it, thus existing within self-separation. That’s then another starting point and perspective to start investigate from.

My current point of anxiety/excitement originates from secret desires and resistances not being honest to myself about and then both being triggered, I am creating this friction within, which, even if it’s not cool experience, I don’t stop.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have a tendency to create friction within my mind by reacting to different things with different polarity extremes, like being excited and anxious about it at the same time and not realizing that desire and resistance I face at the same time and thus accepting to remain within self-separation, conflict without being able to remain directive, inner silent and to apply practical common sense.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that my excitement is also a form of fear, anxiety, as based on judgments, imagination, desire, definitions, polarity and energetic experiences, and within that form of expression, I am not trusting myself to directly face, experience, live and be in this event, situation, but to create anticipation and preconditioning in my mind and then with that already create an experience, strong enough to be influenced by, stimulated with, even when the actual event/situation/experience is here, thus actually living in the past, not allowing myself to fully embrace the moment – due to a lack of self-trust, which I do not want to admit, face, forgive and stop for a reason I am also not admitting.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am not aware of the self-dishonesty, distracting, conflicting mind-experiences, points I face, and within that trying to prove to myself why I am not powerful, responsible, capable, actually: willing to be able to stop and change and within that not realizing that try – actually exposing myself that it’s self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that whenever anxiety and excitement kicks in – I am being moved by my past, my judgments, and if I do not become aware fully of all of it’s(my) patterns, I will participate again, thus re-creating the past, stop changing, expanding, living.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can apply common sense of whenever I experience excitement to the degree of overwhelming me, or an anxiety, which also overwhelms me, or I can’t just stop, even if it should be practical – so that means if I can’t stop, when I want to – that means I have a problem, a conflict, a point to open up, understand, forgive and become aware of how to really stop it and give myself a chance to face and live experiences/events/situations without any emotion/feeling but to live the words.

Not to focus or seek the experience of joy, but to express and live, share and be the word enjoyment.

Quite a difference.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I have the experience of excitement AND anxiety at the same time, I have conflict within me which I do not understand, or never really looked to fully understand, and thus it’s influencing me the way which is not supporting me to be present, directive, to live words without positive or negative connotations.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that whenever I am excited to the point of overwhelming and when seeing within me that there is subject and object, it means am not directly living the word excitement, but through my mind, based on polarity, definitions, separation, thus it’s not the possibly fullest potential of me.

I forgive myself that I have not understood why it’s my fullest potential to experience, live and be without my mind’s definitions, reactions, polarity and believing that emotions and feelings are key to feel, and express myself, meanwhile those are actually limited consequences of my self-defined mind-experiences, based on another experiences I had before.

When and as I experience overwhelming excitement and/or anxiety – I slow down – I breathe, I let everything go and to see if I can stop it, as myself, as equal as one – breathe in, stop, breathe out – continue stopping, not going anywhere in my mind, but be present, stopping, being here.

When and as I can’t stop an anxiety/excitement within myself, I start to apply self-forgiveness written/and-or aloud, to find out what’s I am still separated from within my current awareness, which thus I cannot embrace, become equal and one to be able to stop – and within that finding, also understanding why it happened, how.

When and as I experience resistance/denial/excuse why not to explore to the utmost specificity an anxiety, an excitement, I realize that it’s fear – which as I give into will grow, while my self-trust reduces, thus I have to make a stand and push through the resistance – and if it’s not doable, then focus to the resistance itself, word it, work with it, until it’s walkable through, then continue to work with the excitement/anxiety.

Stopping the mind is not a new thing – this concept exists quite some time – eastern and western cultures, education, documents, scriptures often mention it, but it should not be tainted with anything of belief.
It should be practical common sense, no magic, no rituals, no belief whatsoever.

The human mind consciousness is not magic and it seems to be beyond human comprehension, it’s because of self-dishonesty. That should be re-mediated first and then the door will be open real understanding without being biased with our own personal agenda and past.