Day 394 – Dancing, drugs and re-definition

2003 dec 13 - IM @ Complex

2003 dec 13 – IM @ Complex

I rarely talk about my past when I used to experiment with psychedelic drugs. It’s so beyond me, yet in a way always part of me now.
There are various subcultures, musical scenes, literature, art and community, which I am still in touch with, because regardless I do not do the mind-blowing, there is value, potential and enjoyment within these connection points with others and myself.

It’s such a taboo topic to talk about, yet there are things to understand there, especially for those who still indulge in such activities.
Not many come forward to share their experiences, because of the witch-hunt of ‘drugs’ by most of the governments, so it really does not easy to find authentic sources of information regarding to actual self-support.

I do not really fear being judged because I did it for a while; I am certain that do not need those anymore.

Let’s focus to one particular point today, just to not blow this writing away.

Dancing. But if I speak about that, have to make a detour about drugs too as for me, one followed the another for a while.

Recently I went again to a trance party. Not to my type of trance party actually, but does not really matter. Even though the whole process I walk here with self-investigation and self-honesty, one would think that to define ‘my type’ might be limiting. And indeed it might be, but still, I can have my own personal taste and individual expression.

So, I love to dance, to move for hours with music, with others, to be dance itself! Quite an experience which definitely can be relatable to sex.

Self-expression and exploration, enjoyment and expansion. Substantiation and presence.

See – one can re-define words and to live according to that definition. So it makes sense to define with words what do not limit us.

Dancing was not always about presence and clarity, direction and self-honesty for me, but I have decided to re-align to this.

When I visited parties the first time it was more about to overwhelm and blow my mind with substances and to attain certain levels and experiences within consciousness. In a way, I am quite lucky as those experiences were literally extraordinary and have showed me that opening one tiny door can change the whole world, thus in this sense it was great.
On the other hand, I was so reckless, reactive, gullible and suspectible to experiences that the whole intensity hypersonic mind-blowing trip-ride got me by the balls so to speak.
Regardless of that my main goal was always about self-liberation and further understanding, I often sacrificed my time on the altar of pure hedonism and even within that sometimes I was able to substantiate some insights, but the fact is – although I’ve tried to raze and explode, incinerate and disintegrate my mind system as felt like it was always in the way of true exploration and liberation, I have been always setup to fail with this borderline self-destructive passion.

I really believed that by brute force I can break through all of my limitations, which I believed were mental mostly, but at times I really scratched my physical limitations with the overwhelming mind-frequency intensification, and although it felt extremely stimulating, sometimes I literally felt like touching insanity and physical death level.

One might find this ‘hobbi’ to be quite extremist and somewhat pathological, but noone can argue with the fact that in this world people are indoctrinated, controlled, freightened and quite deeply brainwashed to the tiny confines of a commonly accepted norm, which is obviously not the best for all participants here.

Billions live in extreme poverty, not being able to afford sufficient food, shelter, education and healthcare. One only can find their own existence extremely limited and imprisoned, when tries to break through the norms and limitations society binds us all into a state where war and abuse, rape and murder is justifiable.

When one tries to stand up and really wanting to make a difference, even just within themselves or just wanting to become a more effective and healthy person, can face the situation that there is something inherently wrong with our mind, behavior and thought-patterns. This indeed requires courage to admit but absolutely worth it.

That was me in a nutshell and I really got fed up with my own bullshit and for a while limitations and truly believed that the drugs will help me to liberate myself.

What I did not take into consideration was that regardless of how much I used brute force to break down my mind system, which often felt liberating, when the intensity and sort of purification energy of the drug started to fade, I always went back to the same old patterns, behaviors, reactions and justifications.

Literally regardless of all the mighty experiences I had about consciousness, white light, patterns, symbols and onneness with the whole existence in and out – they were merely glimpses of a state of being I never really understood. And of course, my own mind was always happy to throw in some grandiose hallucination to please and entertain me without admitting that this is just a play of my own imagination, I am still in my mind, just it’s melted a bit and looks/feels cool.

So what I had to realize was that no matter what I do, the mind remains mind and there is a physical limit I can’t go beyond because I kill the body. Thought this as identifying myself as a mind consciousness system. The body always felt weak, ugly, confining, miserable and limiting, so I was one of those who defined the body to be inferior to the mind and consciousness. Yet after a long while, I had to try to explore other ways to expand.

I was regularly visiting these goa trance parties in these states and it was fascinating, the loud and dominant somewhat melodic yet pleasingly stimulating vibes helped to fall into a sort of trance state wherein the thoughts were sort of suppressed and I was able to just BE sometimes.

What I always found strange that all these people dance all night, and I defined their movements to be unnecessary, in a way sort of inferior, as had the thought: why bother moving the body, to be one body, when you can expand yourself to be the whole party, or existence itself?

But something was calling with those dances, beyond the fact that all the cute ladies were dancing in the front with such a passion, meanwhile I acted like a plant somewhere in the background, just standing, looking, listening. Might even felt like an empty shell, a hollow vessel.
I was obsessed with emptiness, all I cared about to empty my mind, to be quiet, to shut it up and down, to finally experience peace.
There was so much I did not understand back then. Years passed while had to give into the realization that it’s not enough to quiet the mind, I have to move myself as well, otherwise all means nothing, just sitting my life away literally. As the playground for my explorations was the crowded loud party scene, dancing came up.

So I was convinced that with some little chemical help, I could transition into dancing more easily.

That was what I used with a decision that no matter what, this time I will dance.

It was quite a blast! I was still a mind, meaning having mind consciousness starting point, but used the body as a reference point to stabilize my beingness within, so I could ‘fly’ and basically daydream more. Often reached the limit of thirst and tiredness, but with stuff, one can reach a little bit beyond.

There were friends of mine, extraordinary dancers whom with we became one through hours of dancing and I always had the feel of an essence, a symbol to crystalize within my experiences what I believed to be helping me and I started to focus on not only the experience of but the techniques and physical details of my dancing.

I did dance with psychedelics for years and after a while I’ve noticed that I’ve became quite natural and experienced with the whole ‘dance floor, movement, behavior expression and interaction’ but in a very specific way only. I felt like machete-d myself a nice circular path in the jungle, and on that path I was enjoying myself to dance around and keep using the machete to cut down any growing plants, branches, so it remained clean and easily walkable.

But as soon as I stepped over the pre-cleaned path, it became stumbling and awkward, resisted and uncomfortable.

Example: I was approached by a lady to just socialize, and on acid, I was not the most talkative person, and all of a sudden, I was judging myself as seeing how I behave and I reacted to it – defined myself to be like an insect, very anti-typical not-human-like and I felt that although I am now able to have fun and find this empty mind clarity – it’s still quite limited. It was like a snap to realize, I can slow down and sort of freeze the mind, but with just one stumble and I am whoooosh, down on the pipe already into the good old self-limiting reactive, judgmental thinking, separated and limiting mind again. Soooo frustrating was to experience the ‘fall of man’ – I tried to define these processes, read all the literature, studies, old and new books, but rarely found genuine descriptions of what I went through. And even when I did find, I just got distracted for a while to follow up and eventually realize the flaw within those distraction paths, such as spirituality, buddhism, etc. Separation, polarity, dishonesty.

The problem was not with the stuff, neither with the dance or the path I walked, but my ‘original’ points, which I believed that I was transcending during these quite hectic years.

I ended up with the same realization as I had years before with the spiritual meditation – when I was sitting, looking at the candle, for many-many hours, relentlessly, as the meditation textbook suggesting: ‘looking at the surface of the lake, smoothing it to become still and mirror’ – or when you roll upwards a huge rock upon the mountain with the disciplined meditation, and you keep falling back but once you will be able to reach the top with the rock and you find peace and clarity’. But once I stopped these techniques, I was at the same point, it was no true, measurable, mathematically accumulative progress, maximum self-conviction.

I was giving my life into those ways, I definitely know what I am talking about when saying, I’ve been there, reached states with sober mind and experienced things ‘beyond’ – but in their nature, they were not different from drug experiences. All what extra they gave beyond the drugs was that I developed an unnatural amount of stubbornness and self-will to keep myself sitting and do nothing but quieting my mind. But even that was quite conditional and thus not truly self-realized.

But the thing is – my mind was always be so loud for a reason! Not because it’s nasty in it’s nature, but it was always telling me who I accept myself to be!

So instead of investigating those thoughts, emotions, I kept pushing them away, down, suppressing and denying to the mastery of self-deception when I was able to ‘whooosh’ shut it up – but required my full attention with all my discipline. Which was sometimes available, sometimes not. And when I was not in this discipline mode, the mind roamed free – had to – as needed to balance it out from all this extreme suppression with what I tried to change it.

All in short – no matter how much one works on changing one’s mind – it’s impossible – because it’s just a systematic reflection of my beingness.

Instead of focusing to my being, who I am, accepting and allowing myself to be – I was raging a war against my mind – – the devil, the boogeyman, the white rabbit, which was actually myself. So I was always fighting myself, often went nuclear to decimate and mutilate my mind, ending up abusing myself on mental, emotional and physical level.

The dance was a beautiful holiday from these inner wars, because the mind was quiet, I was sort of satisfied, so as one song lyrics says ‘you take a vacation from
yourself’.
—–
I kept exploring the various movements and physical expressions and even when I had the starting point as the mind – there was some enjoyment and emerging genuine physical awareness moments in those movements already.
Often at these tranceparties, me and my frends stayed until the last moment, when next day or at the end of the festival week, organizers turned off the sound system – because it had such a home experience, wherein everything is contained with the music, there is always a next beat, a melody, a synth pad flowing and waving, blooming and playing.

But the vacation was always over, and I returned home to my sober self and it felt miserable and I had to go to work, had to be with my arguing girlfriend and I just did not see actual change in my life.

It was a nice escapism era of my life although I always turned into an unstoppable flow of starting as a mild annoyance through bitter frustration into a full blown internal rage to try to break out from this mellow nightmare I existed as behind the smiling curtains…

Lol, such a dramatic wording, but this is brutal and absolute self-honesty, so no sugarcoating here.

When I had some near-death experiences, quite several ones actually, I had to stop and reconsider, as one thing I was absolutely certain with – it’s not yet time to die as I am still not free and thus my life is about to reach freedom. See – even the most innocent starting point can become subject and excuse to a total delusional mind-possession. Freedom is overrated. The only true freedom is living within absolute self-honesty. But in that time this was just not yet to be understood. So many years, unnecessarily. That’s why I compose this here, so others might do it more smarter.

I really tried to compress the amount of writing but this just came through. Dancing. Back to it.

I stopped taking psychedelics even before finding desteni self-supporting process, community and tools; as the last ones really just showed it’s acid-like characteristics to my mind, melting stuff down and remaining with nothing.

So I started to investigate a hundred other ways, methods, practices, history, cultures, books and I kept searching and looking.

One day, when I broke my leg, so could not walk, had no money, had nothing much, found Desteni Portal video, a being coming through(Jim Morrison) and he was talking about Oneness and Equality and to forgive myself. That hit really directly, immediately had the realization that this is it, it’s THE opportunity I have to grab with all of me entirely. I did not really care if this was truly ‘portalling’ JM from the ‘other side’, because I was mindblown by the words, the MESSAGE.
Noone ever talked of such words in this world, I am certain. No scriptures or allegedly holy books, teachings or schools ever mentioned the simple principle and practical common sense this message means, and still, it is one true authentic source of liveable self-honesty with the most direct approach. This I can stand with in front of the whole existence and will keep walking until it’s necessary or finding even more practical common sense.

So. I read all the available material back there about desteni, the message and the awareness tool self-forgiveness and started to write, apply this self-forgiveness as I really needed to(everyone). So many things I could not forgive myself from my past, many I did not even know about, that’s why the writing was necessary. And take responsibility for. Directly.

Throughout the last decade, I am still walking this process, this blog is one aspect of it, the courses I walk, and more relevantly, my life is what I embrace and share, committed to walk with the principle of equality and oneness within self-honesty.

Here I am today, no drugs since years, no alcohol, many things changed, but the dancing remained. More rarely, must admit, but still, at least once in two months, trying to go somewhere to have some fun moves.

See, it’s not about mind, transcendence, consciousness, nothing extraordinary, but me as physical, dancing and expressing myself as life itself.

Somewhen back, I think it was about 4 or 5 years ago, when I was already not doing drugs, I smoked weed again before one of my favorite trance performers, but the experience was very disappointing, I felt like I am not my whole body anymore, but condensed into my head and lost the overall one and equal as body experience(I guess the level I am in regarding to that in comparison to be in and as the mind constantly and using the body as a biorobot).

I had to wait on the dancefloor until the effect of the drug went away to be able to re-obtain my ability to dance.

And I was a regular smoker before, but something changed, I had to realize that I only believed that this drug supports me and turned out, not really, so the self-honesty is to let it go – and I had a bit of struggle with that for a while, sure, it’s quite stimulating, things seem to slow down a bit when stopped, but once I committed myself to stop once and for all, and stand into this bodytime awareness – Life just opened up to me so much more!

All the mind looks for is speed, energy and intensity – even if it means to fall out of sync with physical reality – can be addictive, but if someone aims progress, results and expansion – has to let go the mind completely and only use it as a tool, not as a master. And that takes time and effort to change.

One little example from my recent piano lessons – I keep practising the two hands scales up and down up and down, and after several mistakes, teacher says, I gotta slow down, focus on precision, instead of speed – and I still resist it! Because how grand it feels when I can do it fast! But sometimes I make mistakes, and then I am frustrated, doing it more, more faster, and then making more mistakes! Speed and effectiveness has to be built from the foundation, first slowly, with direction and awareness. Really the same with self than with any tools or instruments. Drugs do not help with that, I know, many take drug to fight against attention deficit or tiredness, but it always will take a toll, meaning opportunity to train and progress consistently. And that consistency is key. And if the drug sabotages my consistency being present, in sync with the physical – in dancing, playing music or simply walking or breathing – then the drug is not supporting me. Common sense. So by letting go the intensity, I can gain consistency. There is a saying ‘Walk slowly, reach further’.

See, all drug user people are blown away how much they can ‘flash’ and ‘fly’ with the experience, but the thing is, the most mind-blowing thing one can do is to constantly remain sober!

Another point for me about doing drugs at a party(or anywhere, anytime) is so limited – I am limited by the type of the drug and what effect it brings – and I can’t just turn it off, it has it’s own pre-programmed ride – and I am bound to that.

Nowadays, I can have the most ecstatic trance with sober self-direction, and in the next minute I can have casual discussion with people in clarity about anything requiring any type of focus or openness. From the dancefloor, I can walk to the car, sit in and drive to the highway and travel fast responsibly and safely.
If any sort of problem, accident or danger presents itself – I am immediately able to assess reality and support with effective and practical common sense.

I do not get exhausted by the drug experience, but by time will be tired, true, and then I go home and sleep – on next day I wake up without feeling drained or exhausted.
Many would argue, because of being sober, I do not reach such peaks and heights, intensity as they do with the drugs.

Here is the thing – I do not have to – I can be just fine without leaving my body and presence, responsibility and self-direction. Many thinks it is limitation, for me it is the liberation.

And if I feel limited about something, when finding myself on a new path – feeling awkward – which still can happen for sure – I am able to be present and see in real time, what’s the issue here, and how can I support myself to overcome this self-limitation or self-dishonesty.

I am often approached at parties when people see me dancing that they ask me if I can give them drugs, because they believe I am on something and they also want that. And I say, water – coffee, tea – and its quite a fun.

One should not need to take any drugs to have extreme amount of fun and insights, relaxation, entertainment and release – because then what happens is that I am not moving, directing, DOING those things directly, but I am using a bridge to help me to do it, and next time it will be a bit more difficult to do it by myself. So, especially with people who have tendency to have addiction, can really pick up the habit of taking drugs and that’s why it’s called “re-creational drug use”.
They keep trying to re-create the same experiences, what they defined as cool.

Over and over and over again. I did not like that, I was born to consistently expand, grow and learn, understand and explore a bit more every day.

So, dancing is part of me now, and still there is so much to learn, explore and enjoy, but it’s not needed for me to be here, to enjoy myself and be clear within myself. Just as I mentioned before, same as sex – should be an equal aspect of our lives without the mind dominating it.

And alcohol and drugs are the best food for the mind, it really grows and inflates, feeds those. That’s why it’s not really suggested to use them for those who really and truly, honestly and absolutely want to transcend their own mind-limitations. Period. There is no place for excuse or justification beyond this. Who still tries to validate a semi- or full regular drug or alcohol use yet still claiming to walk the self-liberation – it is pure self-delusion. Not me to judge at all, not everyone ‘needs’ to transcend, only who decides to and I am here to reflect in that regard.

Because once one lets go the mind – alcohol or drug has no effect whatsoever. And even that can screw with the mind by people ‘wanting just to test if they still being owned by the mind’ – it’s really slippery and one can really sink one slip at a time by defining it still being cool to end up in ten years still getting drunk and sometimes not understanding why so bitter.

Words are the keys, to decompose, re-define and live them according to no polarity of the mind, no energy, and that is a key to progress.

That is why I find this little story strong, because it’s from the point of one word – dancing – and how it started, what I defined it, how it did not support me in the longer term, thus needed to let go, re-define and nowadays, if I live the word dancing – it is not limiting, but part of my self-expression.
About drugs – I do not say you should not do it, but on the longer run, beyond trying once or twice, it is really not giving that much as walking life soberly can give. And I have many friends who still ‘push’ and ‘blow’ their mind with alcohol and drugs – it’s their decision, I do not judge, but certainly showing an example of how to live and expand without those, and if asked, I am sharing what and how I realized to be who I am today.
In this regard I find confidence and calmness within, respect and trust towards myself.

This is my process in relation to dancing and drugs, self-honesty and re-definition in a nutshell.

So that’s it for now, consider writing, every day, stabilize yourself, get back to the physical and let go the convictions and delusions one breath at a time.

Thanks, enjoy, dance and breathe as there is no next moment, fully self-honest and present as you can!

Some opening up self-forgiveness statements, if one is on similar path but would like to understand more about what’s behind the conscious mind…

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define energy and intensity as invigorating, not realizing that I am compensating in my mind, regardless of facts, physical reality, only focusing to perception, because I am feeling as god in my own mind, to do as I please, to focus to where I can experience satisfaction and release, instead of asking the question of what is the creation of the opposite points already existing within me I try to balance out, such as not being whole, inferior, missing out, not being good enough, feeling powerless, insignificant or simply confused.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the mind is a tool, a reflection of myself and the more I give permission to it from my perception, definition, judgement and decision making through blindly trusting patterns of thoughts, feelings and emotions, the more less it seems more smooth, automatic, immediate and natural and this does not mean this is who I truly am or is this an instinct I should trust or not even bothering to want to understand how and why these exist within me as personality, behavior and set of characters triggered within specific situations.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that experiences, and thus consciousness as it is only an experience, are more relevant or superior than physical facts and ending up being convinced that it is the source of myself, the nature of my being, the origin and beingness of myself, while not considering what’s always here, consistently sourcing and making it possible to be obsessed with, the physical, my flesh, the actual tangible reality here and within that obsession not even wanting to understand how and why it is my true self, equal and one with all life here, mesmerized by the spirit, the experience and only realizing it when it does not last and facing reality again and then only looking for the next trip vacation out from myself, my responsibility, my creation.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can escape from the consequences of my creation, participation and existence in life with experiences, energetic stimulation and mind-blowing chemical rituals, meanwhile not admitting the fact that the most effective way to results and solution is always practical common sense.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself to take drug and want to escape from reality and to just have fun almost senselessly, because it’s too tough, inhumane or negative altogether and hoping to seek our reach out to states wherein all makes sense, I can be liberated or exemplified from who I manifested myself to be and become as an individual and unique aspect of life in this lifetime.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pollute my expressions of words with associations, definitions, reactions, judgments, comparisons, fears, desires, emotions and all kinds of energetic experiences automatically associated and influenced in my under-conscious mind and not realizing the self-honest call to purify my words one by one to simply re-define each to live them with self-honesty, integrity and practical common sense in support of myself and all others around me equally.
  • I forgive myself that I have defined myself only being able to have fun truly at parties with alcohol and drugs, not realizing that I am re-and re-creating the same similar mind-set, experiences over and over again, almost like hypnotizing myself into a state of apparent virtual existence, wherein everything is cool, nice and great, not realizing that as the core and starting point contains negative, thus the whole card-tower is always one reaction/association/remembrance away from falling apart, which I can’t control, thus not really building true and stable confidence or self-trust here, but in a way, playing casino, gambling with my own – and my surrounded’s life within responsibility – as even if I do not admit/take responsibility – it’s always here for me, as who I am.

Just to see – how one can utilize this kind of approach to discover what I have accepted, by looking inwards, to follow the rabbit, writing down and seeing the patterns of matrix, which is everywhere, because it’s my consciousness and as I defined as who I am, do not not even consider the need or practicality of deconstructing and releasing it word by word.

Thanks again, enjoy and bye

T

Advertisements

Day 390 – Tiredness and world

DSC_0305Writing about tiredness a bit

I am getting to the point of feeling tired. It’s an interesting experience, because at this point it’s just an experience.
When I have this – oftentimes looking back at the day I have and to consider – how much I’ve done, things happened or just how much time passed since I woke up.

I know that I have quite amount of reserves, proven that many times. Even when ‘burning’ my reserves, there are reserves beyond that. The art is to balance effectiveness without falling into justifications with respecting my body with giving sufficient and enjoyable rest as well.
I particularly pronounce enjoyable rest as it is not something I’d ever considered: how much it feels great to have a good rest.
I can count with one hand how much this year I really-really appreciated a good rest.
When I was driving here to Ireland from Hungary and in the middle rented a room and took a shower, had a dinner and slipped into the bed. That was extraordinary.
The question is why needing to go to the extremes to appreciate the simplest, every day gifts. As they are – many do not have opportunity to have dinner, a freshly made clean and quiet bed. I have it every day.
This is something what everyone should be aware of that partly the global problem is that people do not appreciate the simple things they take granted, how natural it is for them – for us – for me – to feel the right to have proper rest with food in the belly.

When I am very busy, can happen that I forget to eat enough and most late times on the next day I feel weaker and tired, so I need to eat more.

It is something I’ve been considering to write about, sometimes I can have this agitation experience when I suddenly feel hungry and I can’t eat at the moment.
It’s almost like a childhood flashback, mixed up with a slight fear and desperation, anger and becoming jumpy.

What is to realize that we who every day have food and shelter, clear clothes – of what people who are being excluded from these basic things, what they are experiencing. It is excruciating and humiliating, torturing and quite frankly degrading experience.

The desperation and mindset of people who do not have food is something what should never be disregarded, because what I look at this point, honestly, I have a sense that I would do anything in my power to get food if I would be starving. Probably not taking human life, but stealing definitely.
Is this mean that I am a gullible and weak character? Or is it something what people who HAVE do not realize that it is that simple to equalize everyone.

Many would argue that it’s a process to get there in a society wherein everyone have opportunity to get a job if they are willing to work. There are so many factors, health, family, genes, luck, consequences of series of bad decisions, mistakes and misjudgments…

I certainly can’t afford to feed the world, however to deny food from another is something I wish I should never have to face again, but it is unlikely.

Tiredness and desperation is just an experience, yes – for instance as I move myself word by word typing here – I am not tired at all – if I stop and check – yes, I see it and also the next day’s schedule and I need to rest before that. Yet I still manage to finish this writing before that.

It is the sane, practical common sense decisionmaking what supports me the most, to stick to reality awareness, facts and the clarity that everything is fine. Sort of sustainable, for at least in the short and mid-term.

I’ve spent the last decade with starting to really focus on the details of self-introspection with practical common sense and even before that I was already on a journey to learn and expand about myself, life, thus in particular I am not one who would worry too much about life.

The factors resulted me to be able to do is mostly because of a financial security I was sort of entitled to due to my nationality, education and skills, which to many in this world have not access to at all or being denied from; by a consequence they born into.

Why is to take on the ‘sins of our fathers’ commonly accepted? Is it LIFE’s way to say, manifested consequences will always go full circle to be faced and dealt with until transcended in a way what is best for all participants? Looks like, yet the world is still cruel when children are born to these full-blown world-systems of human society, within many deluded with the ideas of freedom, love and compassion, wherein these are only glimpses of possibilities and only few can afford to cling on for a while before they – everyone – die. To continue rolling forward the accumulation of neglecting basic requirements for all equally.

Sigh. It is something what can be changed within an agreement by the majority of the world and monetary system participants quite easily actually, but all the minds are the guards of the current systems, those minds who are the HAVE-s while all the HAVE NOT-s are being considered as opposition and risk to those who have as everyone accept their position in the limited resource competition frenzy hypnosis.

Tiredness of the mind can be seem as real, but there are ways to walk through and live the self-liberation.
One has to walk their own process of self-realization and once starting to walk it – from a point one realizes – it’s not individual, everyone is actually walking everyone’s process in a way, yet responsibility must be owned by each participants to be able to change the course of the whole.
Until that – tiredness and degrading experiences, forward-rolling shitty manifesting consequences is what we accept and allow to become.

Enjoy breath and do every day something to expand, grow, learn, forgive, understand and change within self-honesty – and will accumulate, just as self-trust and integrity!

Day 387 – Resistance to Writing

DSC_0068

I am re-visiting DIP LITE online course and just translated the section about Resistance to Writing.
It is something I have faced many times and I am sure everyone do and the simplest explanation is from the LITE course itself:

“The unconscious fear of change is hidden by the subconscious thoughts and experiences which will attempt to redirect self away from investigating the mind consciousness system existent within self. As the fear is that if I look at what is really going on beneath the surface that I will essentially change.”

Anyone keeps telling reasons and justifications why they do not write, it is obvious that they are accepting the self-limitation with this unconscious fear.

Even I heard of someone that if they would start writing, they know that they would unreval things they do not want to see clearly as would cause imbalance and great tension within. Why? To realize the extent of accumulation of daily self-sabotage within our own mind.

It becomes normal quite soon and after years it is unquestioned, forgotten, only the most used justifications and self-definitions remain to excuse ourself to stand up to integrity, self-honesty and within that valuing life to it’s utmost potential.

Since almost a decade I am writing, mostly about weekly one or two blog posts plus as walking DIP courses since some years, I had to learn to be able to deal with these unconscious resistances.

I remember, my first writings were often pages before anything substantial started to ‘come out’ – started like an usual diary-type of writing, and as I got comfortable and trusting by the practice, started to learn to aim and keep focus at self-introspection more and more.

Nowadays, when I see a point within, I sit down and write about it directly. And even after this amount of ‘practice’ – the core or source points of self-dishonesty, resistance, self-limitation or fear points are behind multiple layers what I have to walk through with disciplined writing.

Not just walking through as writing down as Self-forgiveness is unavoidable to literally taking responsibility on this walk’s course for the things I have accepted and allowed within self-dishonesty but no more and standing up to change – and within that decision, self-empowerment one can see a little bit deeper, step by step to dig out apparently forgotten memories, experiences, definitions and compromises.
I write ‘apparently’ forgotten as nothing is truly forgotten ever, just it’s also another tool of our mind to slip down from conscious to subconscios or unconscious level, wherein we are literally not aware of the points we allow determining our life, perception, experiences and decisions resulting in actions(or no-actions).
That is why everything we question about ourselves, we already have the answer but it’s within and often have to walked through the process of self-investiation and self-purification to start seeing and understanding.

So, by re-visiting this point, I have realized that although when I consciously decide to sit down and write about/through a point, I do not feel resistance anymore, or if occasionally tiredness or distractions start to pop up, I soon recognize that I am now getting to something substantial, thus it worth to continue as that’s why the resistance kicks in – I am getting real in a way, and it’s unknown what’s after this realization and unknown can be scary.

I know, as been there myself, many people are saying ‘I do not fear anything’ – for instance it would not be a problem to jump out from a plane with parachute or smuggle illegal things, drive with high speed or if ‘justified’ join into a barfight – but within those I calculate, assess and apply reality-awareness and only proceeding when resulting with the sufficient safety conditions. It’s not like that. It’s unconscious – so I am just feeling, relating to, having an energy vibe what influences, dominates my mind without realizing how and why, and whenever I look at it, there is always at least one or two sounding good justifications.

  • “I have been writing diary before and I was honest with myself, I know what you mean when you mention self-honesty blog, it’s not what I need now”
  • “I can’t write, not this much, it’s just not my character, I’d rather do sports, meditate or try to solve it with arts”
  • “I am afraid of what if someone else reads my mind, it’s so nasty, I dont want to feel ashamed or being judged”
  • “Why can’t you just forgive yourself once and for all, why you keep repeating it? Don’t punish yourself”

And so on… heard quite some variations…

Often people have to hit rock bottom, fall out from or lose everything to realize that they are far from their potentials.

Might be true when considering the saying from the movie Fight Club, which is a kind of possessive depiction of this point: “It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.”

Many also believe that I am just this writing type, it suits me, it is my ‘weapon of choice’ to deal with limitations and resistances – not at all!

I used to resist, justify and avoid writing in self-honesty, just like everyone else! I tried many other ways, methods, paths, methods, tools and it’s a self-honesty point to admit if there is possibly a better way to assist and support myself.

I had to check and then realize, writing and applying self-forgiveness is the best practical way to become aware of all of my creation and empower myself to change. All other attempts were about to try to get a shortcut, which eventually tolled their prices and often even meant to need to walk more(time or effort) later.

In the age of distraction, it is literally the most challenging thing to be able to give time and effort to our own self, meaning answering existential questions without any belief or hope to realize who uniquely we are in this existence and life.

Yet it is the most rewarding as well – to start walking the process of self-realization with words.

So, wrapping up reflecting back to self:

I have decided to write more than weekly one or two, yet I do not yet do such thing, and although when I look at this point, the decision is still here, however the action, the accumulative measurable result, which is my blog does not show that decision being manifested.

Therefore the question I answer is how I justify not doing what I decided to do, especially when also being aware of that it is not about not having enough time or opportunity.

See, self-forgiveness is not something like an all-purpose liberation or revelation what can be done in a single moment.

I have to reveal the whole causality in my mind, how it’s conditioned to internal and external experiences and where I am word-programming myself to contradict myself in relation to wanting to write more yet not doing it.

And of course, one can approach such point in a ‘disciplined’ or ‘military’ – mind, just like ‘JUST DO IT’ – and then no matter what, I am doing it!

It’s also another point to realize how the mind consciousness works, what is the fuel behind certain decisions and promises to keep, and what is the condition of such actions to keep doing. And if there is a not yet understood dimension within the context, one might gets distracted, compromised or justified of why not doing it as would like to.

In my case, the bare minimum is 4 posts per month, thus the strongest excuse to fall back to is that ‘at least 4 per month, it’s mid-month, so still have time’ – or ‘there is still 5 more days until the end of the month.

And as became a habit to distract myself from the discipline and decision I’ve made on a daily basis, it also can happen on those ‘last remaining days of the month’ and thus ending up literally only doing the minimum I’ve committed to.

  • Another justification is that I’d rather write big/full/long posts, when I walk through a point from start to end, which often takes more days/evenings to compose so to speak.
  • Sometimes also can happen that I see that the grammar is not good, need to go back, re-read and fix here and there – and the magic word comes ‘tomorrow will finish this’.
  • There is a slight ‘perfectionism’ also in this, I do not want to just share openings or glimpses of points I am walking, I want the whole deal to get done and then to share once I really see through.

An option: commit myself to do more – let’s say aim at monthly eight. That is still only two per week, one per 3-4 days.

Why to share more is also relevant: In fact I have so much to share, literally dozens of points I could share about every day and makes sense as well – substantiate my own process and also assist others as well.

So, let’s break it here for now and continue in the next post by walking self-forgiveness on these last points!

Check out these AWESOME supporting videos at Mind-Body Innerverse

Day 382 – Dance party mind self-correction

IMG_8646

All pictures are from other past events

(Oupps, this post became a bit longer than planned, apologies, just needed to walk through this all. I will focus more on structuring in the next post.)

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed to realize the simplicity within Disciplined Living as Self-honesty, whereas I keep expressing myself to direct myself through the mind, as physical expression in any and all moments, meaning whenever I see reaction, emotional buildup, doubtful thoughts, I disengage within understanding and re-aligning with practical common sense.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the tendency of accepting self-dishonesty in any specific aspects of my every day living is what I need to pinpoint with wording and not forgetting those in order to be able to recognize the pattern BEFORE participating.

I really enjoy to be at new situations, and if I look at it with virgin eye, especially living after some decades – there is always a pattern, such as relating to something from my past – and the fallacy into self-dishonesty is something I have to work on becoming aware of, basically all the time.

I was out with my colleagues, bar and clubbing experience. Most of them were drunk, I was completely sober. My mind was flooded with all kinds of patterns to relate, to categorize and justify based on my past and I had to admit that regardless of all my efforts to remain present, directive, some of those patterns were triggered and I got ‘under the influence’ of several specific convictions.

It was fascinating to discover what are the specific points I was reacting to and thus slipping back to my obviously self-dishonest patterns.

I do not really see that the exact details and patterns do matter this much to others, however the structured walk through those could be assisting to others as well.

And of course, it is definitely supporting me to walk through, thus it’s a genuine self-enjoyment to write and share these as it is literally The Journey To Life from Consciousness System to Living Awareness.

Let’s walk some of those patterns here, what went through my mind:

The music was crap, some retro-pop, the sound system was sounding horribly, was calibrated wrong and were bashing my ears quite much, every time we had to talk, had to shout.

The music itself was mostly very repetitive and primitive to my taste and even the DJ and his mixing abilities were atrocious, thus mostly was a direct crossfade to completely different vibes, rhythms or types.

My friends were so drunk, they could not care less about what we were dancing to, and their full-blown careless enjoyment in fact tainted me to elevate me from the ridiculousness of the music and sounds to actual enjoyment anyway.

There were ladies, actually many, mostly were gangs of 3-6, they were also kind of illuminated and most of them seemed to enjoy the music thus were dancing to their individual preferences. I speak about Ace of Base, Shakira and all other kinds of pop I do not really recognize or know.
It seemed normal to have fun with them as just with anyone else, although I know that I am good with dancing and moving, I just did not really feel right to directly contact or interact with them, which was interesting to notice, so I looked further why.

Some were more open to interact with our group, some weren’t – I was wondering if I should now engage or not, some of them seemed to be even attractive to my norms to a certain extent, and when I was wondering about that, I just kept finding reasons and justifications why not to – I mean if I really look anyone, I can find imperfection, especially in a badly lighted drunken dancefloor, and I realized this is just weird not to enjoy and have fun, but to squander around in my mind to decide if I want or not to get closer to women as for fun or potential friendship or even partnership. Typical mind-slippery slope, one becomes righteous and what thoughts come, just accept as self and becomes so, directed by and completely inferior to.

That moment of stopping self-expression during dance was enough to get a ‘feeling weird’ moment among them and I decided to decide (funny) not to care about women and my desire to ‘get’ a woman.
“I am with my friends, there is a reason to this party, so that’s why I am here, period.”

But I saw, it’s obviously a stinky reasoning – as it came, and why, I saw, I am limiting myself by some unadmitted fear.

Of course, this was just seconds in the party, but due to extensive amount of experience and exploration on dance floors in my past, this is truly one of my ‘I am at home’ situations, thus this uncomfortability was shaken off in less than a minute, but I saw several points what I am lacking to directly be aware of and position myself to a stable, consistent, self-trusting self-agreement about the surfaced points.

And just as life could not be more fun, after all the excuses of ‘there is noone here who would really make me being interested’, I have noticed a lady who just seemed like out of perfection to my personally pre-programmed desirable image and likeness, and I had to realize the ridiculousness of my current mind-setup about this.

I walked through the crowd and looked into her eyes and it ‘seemed’ that there is a mutual interest, like ‘hey, you seem interesting, hm’ – but in that minute we were about to leave as my team’s decision, which, actually I have initiated to resonate among us and they all agreed upon already, so I left with a quirky smile on my face.

There is no rocket science of that triggering about why this ‘she is grand’ condition was activated – she had cute and attractive face, tall and thin body with a dress just revealing enough in a still socially acceptable way. It’s probably just for me, but she was like a swan among ducks to me and in that moment I also realized, I am just falling into this pattern, well, not the first time in my life.

Even within that ‘sweet’ mind-high moment of judging her as pleasant, her heels were quite high which I clearly remember, defined as ‘hmm maybe too much’ but in overall, this was still like ‘hmm, cool’.

Also, by reflecting back from her, I felt my body, face and dressing to be uninteresting and kind of inferior towards the judgments I have projected towards her and thus I even had a slight doubt, as I just went out to a pub to say good bye to a resigning colleague friend, and the night turned into this club-dancing blast.

And of course, she was with a guy, who she was smiling with, thus I concluded, she might have a boyfriend already, probably, so this is just it and let’s just move on. *Sigh.

I felt that I should stretch my spine to stand as more straight and push my chest forward, my chin up as I started to lose my presence into the mind completely, thus these physical alignment points are here to assist me to return HERE with common sense, instead of keep falling into justifications, doubt and self-limitation. So then I was able to step out from this pattern eventually with a big deep breath from the cool city air outside.

This is kind of a start for establishing a sort of physical timeline of points I see, can directly realize as points of self-dishonest participation within my mind.

Relevant to note, there is nothing wrong, I am certain of, if I have preferences, decisions and I act upon those, especially about partnership, however when I am influenced by my past, which I have not yet walked to forgive, understand and let go, based on convictions, definitions, another self-dishonest reactions, then I am literally gullible to act upon something which is not resulting to direct self-expression within honesty with myself to the utmost, as probably not really and directly relevant to what is actually here in real time.
Or if putting so much attention to one aspect only, such as visuals, I am might be possessed or obsessed with it for a reason what might also hide self-dishonesty, which again: deserves self-introspection and if needed: correction as well. Not saying one should not consider the look as well, but when one has the tendency to just ‘fall’ into someone based on that only, that’s a good sign that it’s probably a massive mind-construct is waiting to be walked through.

One might argue, why to strive and struggle towards something like ‘utmost, perfect honesty with myself’, as everyone has their own past and moments of doubts and worries, preferences and illogical things, that makes us humans – it’s just I do not accept myself to remain limited, especially not by my own self-limitations based on something I did or believed, feared of or desired in the past.

Also there were several reference points which made me compare myself in a kind of ‘right’ way with others, for instance there was one of my friends, who had no difficulty to approach ladies, hold their hands, dance with them, although there was nothing sexual or mating about it – for instance he is married and still, he can dance with ladies in a ‘respectable’ way and I saw that this is the case, he just had some fun moments without considered to be cheating. I was pretty sure about that he had no intent to pick up ladies, he just had some ‘normal’ dance and fun.

I saw that I am not like that, I am rather a bit antisocial in this sense, as I do not approach ladies, even just as part of the ‘normal’ fun on the dancefloor.

My type of parties, I used to conditioned to were mostly trance parties, where people are a bit more isolated as many can be on drugs and have the stimulation coming from inside more than outside, not generally always being this the case, but that I was more comfortable with.
When visited folk music events for instance, it’s more about everyone interacting, dancing, holding hands, shoulders, hips and do some ‘traditional-like’ dancings, which I never got absolutely comfortable with, and it’s like a trap of 22 – I do not have enough experience and skill to do that, but because of that I do not even try to do it, thus will not have experience, and thus I am doomed to avoid it, yet kind of missing it as well.
Because of worry if I make mistake or not being able to do a perfect way instantly – and it is a typical self-dishonesty point as well.

IMG_0599There were ‘gate’ points wherein I saw the opportunity to bridge through my experienced isolation, for instance with those ladies, who were ‘not my type’ (I quote points what are kind of mind-patterns just to be more obvious in this writing), yet I fell into the definition of objects, thus I had this separation experience as them there, vs me here.
So I had the intent to release a desire and find target for it, and in the process of ‘matching’ out there to the subject for it, I lost my ability to really connect with them, regardless of the ‘matching’ process of ‘true or false’.

As with the ones I concluded as ‘not interested really’ – based on behavior and how they look, I decided to not even try to interact with them on the dancefloor, kind of ignoring them, while in a way I also noticed the same they seemed doing with me, just ignoring me, although we were a meter away.

This is something I can relate to with my experience at goa trance parties experience, when I am ‘whole’ – there is no them or me, separation or even desire – rather seems like a safe, mischievous game.

Also at times, when I went there with ladies I know, we always had a blast together, great connection, dance and flow, but then it was obvious from the beginning, we arrived together, had fun together too, was no need to do ‘first contact’.
Either way, I was preprogrammed of when and how I am comfortable and certain.

And this way it SEEMS unlimited, because of the rules I’ve formed already and in between those I am confident, safe and free. But the moment I disregard a single rule, I am about to experience friction.

One for instance: not to try to pick up a lady there. Many occasions there were quite obvious signs that ladies showed interest to connect with me on various levels, even just dancing with or talking to – I used to say – I am not here to date, but dance and have fun with my friends.

This came back again – not that women were ‘hitting on’ me, just they were so close, I was triggered by my suppressed desire and judgments of beauty and attraction.

And all of a sudden I find my limitations – shall I or how to approach them, what if something is not great, I would be refused for instance or turns out the lady I get together with is not someone I would date for long term, what if my hair is wrong, all the stupid worries a teenager boy would think of in front of a lady he likes.

So then, at this party, as it was different than I used to go to – had to ‘realign’ with my rules, and then I stated – I am here just for fun with my friends, not to get women.
All of a sudden all is more clear again, I do not have friction, I kind of relax, no need to hunt, no need to look all the 50 points I should consider.

I guess, that’s why people drink alcohol, so those mind-systems are inhibited, so people just engage, try and see what happens.
Meanwhile other part of their mind-system is boosted, such as desire, directness, so they feel empowered to do things uninhibited, things they would not do sober.

So this is just an example of how much one can see and work with one’s self-dishonesty and self-limiting mind to reveal.

Also, it is the first step to acknowledge, to write down, and then the investigation starts, why and how I got to this point, what exactly happened in the physical timeline in relation to reality around me, what I did, felt and thought.

This allows me to start applying self-forgiveness on the patterns of self-dishonesty, what I have allowed and accepted to become me, but I give myself a chance to change, to stop and discover another ways to act in these specific situations.

It might take a while, days, weeks, sometimes even months to walk through big points within, but once real change starts, I guarantee that everyone would say ‘yes, it is worthy’ as we actually do not know how much limitation we accept within ourselves until we start unshackling those chains and discover how much free and enjoyable our life can be if really becoming self-honest.

For instance a question: why would be a problem if I approach a lady and she would say no?
It’s alright – she has the right – am I less if she says no? No.
I mean the exact same thing I expect me to have – the ability to say no to a person who I do not want to be with.

If then the fear kicks in of what if all ladies who I like say no, then what I should do?
Am I then remaining alone forever? No – but in the mind, time is quite a relative thing, fear really can bend it, thus seems scary and final, but in reality – there are other opportunities, maybe even at the same party, maybe on an another next day or week.
Or if not, then I might need to reconsider my attitude, my approach, my presentation, starting point, selection or desire.

So if one has the ability to see through these patterns with practical common sense, then these typical things, for what we tend to apply rules to protect ourselves from experiences we define as uncomfortable, such as rejection, self-judgement.

But has to take the time to slow down within to see each details – and it is a skill, an ability, which has to be developed, grown, become, and takes effort and time.

That’s why writing a diary, a blog with the starting point of self-honesty(no finger pointing to others, no blame, but bringing back all to self and to see if am I accepting any belief, hope or lie and if so, to commit myself to stop it and find a practical way to do so)

Desteni I Process LITE is the perfect introductory course for the basics, as one can do it online for free, with daily, short assignments and a guide there, who already know how to walk this understanding and self-honesty change.

The Desteni I Process PRO course is for deeper understanding, that is where the physical timelines are being walked, to find not just conscious patterns, but subconscious too, to be able to understand – and change – more with more disciplined, and more assignments. There is also a buddy in the system, who with one have regular chats to be assisted and cross-referenced through the establishment of self-honesty, meaning cross-referencing perception with facts, as human mind alone can be self-deceptive in a very convincing way, thus the another person, who already walked similar path. The DIP PRO course is not free, but it’s a significantly more effective way to support self-honesty. There is even a way to apply for sponsorship, so it’s not about the money, however if someone can pay the course fee, then supporting a whole network of other people who are supporting others, also developing similar new courses and of course, the website hosting and online presence also has some costs, what is nice to be covered.

It’s all about putting out there the support and make it obvious how people can assist themselves – as it’s always self-movement, no course exists what can change for us, we have to walk it, but there is a lot of people who are willing to support, the same way as they were also supported before.

I am going to walk the rest of self-forgiveness for my patterns shared for today to support understanding and prepare myself to find practical ways to stop those self-limitations and figure out what I really want and then live it within self-honesty.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the self-limitations I define myself in order to create a bubble of friction-free, conflict-avoiding experience for myself within excuses and justifications and convictions about why I do not want what makes me conflicted, fearful, anxious or worried.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from rejection in general, believing that it means I am not good enough, I am stupid, awkward and ugly, meanwhile if I look at it without any emotional pressure, just common sense, I would say, I am fine and it’s a self-sabotage, which is hiding layered another self-interest protection not to be discovered by me, such as not wanting to get attached to people, not want to compromise my perceived freedom and the fear of not being a nice person, if I would be honest the way actually I also would like to be honest with.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can any time expose my perpetuated self-honesty as a lie by not giving to others what I would like to receive in the situation of dating and partnership, because of the values I hold onto and self-definitions I try to follow in order to remain within the self-defined self-limited self-definition system, such as not wanting to reject others as I feel that I would feel bad if I would be rejected, meanwhile directly seeing that rejection is normal, everyone cannot say yes to everyone all the time to everything, it’s common sense.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see points within me with what I can generate self-judgement, resulting in doubt and self-compromising non-action mode, instead of applying common sense to all those points about what are those, what I can do about those, if I should and establish a clarity and self-agreement with myself, for instance how I find myself presentable and if not, why, what I should do about it and what is the extent I should go, and to see, if any fear is behind of any action, and then apply self-forgiveness and bring back myself to facts, reality, practicality here.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to give to others what I would like to receive, the ability to say no, or reject things I would offer, and fearing to be rejected, instead of accepting the ability to response and be responded to and thus form and grow, instead of falling into fear and not acting to avoid the things I fear, meanwhile what I really fear is just an inflated thing, in reality it’s absolutely no problem.
  • I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself about the points I can give into fear and thus speed up in my mind based on the scenarios I want to avoid and within that not seeing that some of those are completely alright, but I still accept to fear to face, such as rejection, someone’s judgement, being inexperienced or awkward in situations I did not allowed myself to experience or grow with, thus sabotaging my natural trust and grow.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to bastion myself around with excuses and justifications to specific situations in order to avoid friction inside and thus feeling conflicted within in order to not need to face these self-limitations and aspects of myself naturally wanting to grow, such as casual fun with females without objectifying.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge objectifying women as bad, however not being aware of how I can be participating in the same behavior without realizing, such as when being at a party and judging and reacting to women on the dancefloor based on how they look and how I rate them in my mind automatically to always establish an automatic approach of how much I am attracted to them based on their look, behavior and sound.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that I have a specific ‘type’ of women who I am attracted to, based on my past and preconditioning and not wanting to give up, but also not wanting to take responsibility for as believing to be limiting and not nice, yet not giving up either, thus not being certain, not being honest and not being directive within my actions either.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that some self-definitions I deliberately keep, even within walking the process of self-honesty as believing to have the right to do so and justifying it with that this is my true and natural self-expression, yet not being absolutely sure about it and thus allowing doubt about it, inner friction, causing me to be awkward and stumbling.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am not being clear towards women who are strangers and not yet placed in my social halo as ‘potential partner prospect’ or ‘accepted as not potential partner prospect’ and based on that not being sure how to behave with them, what’s appropriate or beneficial, and not realizing that this separation is self-dishonest, because completely relies and biased by my self-interest yet not wanting to admit it because then I would need to face the fact that I have to let it go completely, which I do not want to do for a reason I do not admit to myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not slow down within, backtrack and debug, understand and expose my mind-s movement within me at the moment of being triggered by ‘a striking beautiful woman’ to see what it is I am valuing, how and why.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized, admitted and acknowledged that when I value a woman based on look, of what I defined as valuable, that it is related to doubt, fear and self-hate to be balanced out, suppressed down and distracted from by the value I’d perceive by the person’s decision to choose to be with me, thus having this positive affirmation to a negative starting point within, instead of directly opening up and seeing these points within me to start forgiving and releasing at the first place, thus, instead of remaining dependent on energy, others and judgement, projection and desire; to be able to establish self-trust, self-value and self-love directly.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized in the moment of self-compromise within a situation I have preprogrammed myself not to look beyond my self-limitations, because each of those I can justify in any second, and this is automatic, creating self-interest, protecting it and automatically avoiding to challenge my beliefs, yet not realizing that in each moment I accept an excuse, it becomes more automatic, and the way is to apply self-forgiveness to see, realize and become aware of those self-compromises.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about how I look and behave, but not investing effort to review if those worries are relatable to reality or not, and if so, what I could actually do about those, for instance if I worry that my hair is weird, because I cut it myself, I can ask someone to help fixing it or paying for hairdresser, but as I have defined that it’s too much time and money to waste, I am doing myself, yet not being satisfied with the result, accepting conflict within, doubt and uncertainty, and at situations, when doubt is triggered, confidence is challenged, I automatically jump back to this – and other similarly self-made up – point and re-energize the doubt, the reason why I should justify to remain doubtful, thus to limit my expression what would expose me to the worries I try to avoid to be triggered.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about not having specific skills or abilities in order to engage to specific social activities, yet whenever I would have opportunity to express, practice, live or expand with, I automatically justify ‘being not good with’ instead of simply doing it and learning, finding out who I am within that.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from rejection as then I would define myself to be not good enough and I would define myself as worthless and not realizing that the initial experience of worthlessness is already self-accepted and present within me and my mind, and trying to avoiding to be triggered by not engaging into activities wherein I would be able to judge myself as such, and thus believing to be not limited, meanwhile it is literally the definition of self-limitation.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the positive self-affirmations about what I am good with based on feelings and experiences and not realizing that where is positivity, there is negativity as the only way to create positive energy is by also creating negative, thus all is self-created, and if I accept myself to be driven by, addicted to, mesmerized by positive and negative experiences, I am the slave of my self-delusion.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge music as primitive and define it as annoying and only being able to enjoy music if it is part of my self-defined type of goodness, otherwise automatically closing down and rejecting it and thus predetermining my experience towards it, instead of truly being here in the moment and trusting myself – whether I stay and enjoy or stay and not reacting to it, or even to decide to leave, but without thinking, judging, feeling good or bad, as direct self-expression.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge music, sound system and people based on the quality I define these to be according to my past and self-definitions and anything ‘less than’ I judge any of these and I would feel superior and better or more refined or higher than this, I stop, breathe and realize that it is not about the judgement, the definition, but who I am directing myself to be in this very moment of exposure of such experience.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have developed and accepted a bunch of rules to define to me what is good and acceptable, what is bad and unacceptable and stop questioning myself, reality, direct experiences, but limiting myself with these rules to form my roles in society, and even within obvious and serious self-limitation situations, not stopping participating within those self-definitions limitations, but rather justifying them, identifying them as who I am and thus protecting my interest, not seeing that it is due to fear as conserving the same fear essence moment at the inception of those specific self-definitions from my past to keep bringing with me all the time but being shielded from by the interest of not wanting to experience the fear directly, yet still being limited by.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress desire towards qualities projected to women thus developing a desire to women in general and not realizing that this desire is not direct self-expression, thus manifesting separation within from real expression HERE in the physical, and thus allowing the tendency to objectify women based on the SUBJECT of my desire, a hope for fulfilling it with a woman or women in general.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the inflation of suppressed sexual and other desires towards women which by manifesting my behavior not being direct and honest with myself or with women in general, because always categorizing, rating, defining, measuring, comparing them and based on that behaving in relation to or with them.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity to treat women as beings nothing special and thus being able to see the person, not the projection I created within my mind and thus not being mesmerized by looks and expectations, and therefore limiting my expression based on a desire I suppress and want to live out, based on qualities I do not find ways to express myself alone and defined myself being dependent on women in order to being able to live those qualities I lack or defined myself lacking.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I define dancing, when its not trance dance to be about mating and partnering, hooking up, because people touch, hold hands or hug, therefore being triggered by sexual desires and thinking and thus categorizing as something what it is not.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to remain casual, confident and actually being able to enjoy presence, party and self-expression when about to talk with partner prospect(s) as allowing worry as defining high stakes here, instead of being myself, expressing myself, trusting myself and to see who with I connect naturally, mutually and allowing this whole partner thing to be just as every day, normal expression, as anything else.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become obsessed with picture presentations of people, ladies and myself as well and defining it to be the highest value, meanwhile de-prioritizing everything else, thus limiting my perception, because believing the visual to be the most value, because that is what everyone can see, define and value by, and not admitting that wanting to compensate a doubt by this value, which is completely subjective and inflated.
  • I forgive myself that I have defined myself that my type is the thin and tall and all other else are inferior in terms of subject of my partner prospect desire, just because I defined that to be the most attractive to me, therefore that definition is who I am and I must be honest to me when admitting it, just because when I had that type of girlfriend, I was extensively able to enjoy that kind of visual and body type, and wanting to be stimulated the same way again.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that at this moment almost all of my partnership did not end well, and certainly ended, therefore anything I remember and want to re-do or recollect might not be the best, or at least does not make sense to exclude anything else based on the thought pattern of ‘if I chose this in the past, I must like that only and must choose the same in the future too’ – instead of letting go the categories at all and to see what works in the moment and when seeing energy reaction to visuals, categorization or value – to apply self-forgiveness and step out from the self-stimulation based on value and in fact doubt and fear.

DSC_0437Self-forgiveness assists to walk through patterns I was not directly aware of before – or even if I was – by writing down, I open myself up and see – what this opens up further.

SOUNDING these Self-forgiveness sentences assist by directly seeing and adjusting what I miss between those lines and gives the ability to see what I react to based on that and to refine, to specify and expand with to cover the points I was not aware of this much before. Especially about the consequences I manifest and the responsibility I have, along with the actual opportunity to change by prevention, by redefinition and a more aware self-expression.

So, this is it for now, enough to see those patterns before manifesting to keep revealing the patterns, and closing this with some self-commitments and self-corrective preparatory statements.

I commit myself to expose any original negative experiences in relation to myself which would cause me to strive towards seek out positive affirmations with others, creating attraction, desire and value based on automatically triggered, preconditioned polarity categorization, so then I can see the patterns before participating, bring myself here, keep myself at presence, at center, as a whole to see what’s of the energy mind, what’s real and support self-expression directly.

I commit myself to stop judging people based on their looks, trust myself with the empty mind, have a feel, have an experience, have a direct living and to see what works what not and not to automatically fall into the polarity of good and bad, nice or ugly, as realizing – those were conditioned into my mind, and if I am slave of those, I am less than who I accept myself to be as puppet of what I see.

I commit myself to stop defining music based on how simple or popular it is, rather to see if I enjoy it or not, if anything is brought up from my mind with the music, it is not the music itself what is not cool, but I have a point to work with within self-honesty to forgive and let go.

I commit myself to stop falling into energetic mind experiences by not realizing the physical presence, consistency and factual truth here, and believing that what I experience is more relevant than what is here, thus justifying why I do not need to always consider what’s here – so

I commit myself to direct myself to explore my limits with feeling and being in and as the physical and keep expanding with those limits with living self-forgiveness in all moments equally.

I commit myself to communicate with myself to agree with points I am not clear within and falling into thinking mind patterns to help me to tell me who I supposed to be in relation to those, so in those situations, I stop, I breathe and I see what I direct myself to live as and then trusting myself – and if not the best for all participants, including me, I stop again and re-align, re-decide and start living that – always in clarity.

When and as I fall into the thinking mind about who is good or bad for me as partner, I stop and realize that I have no idea, only having memories and judgments, and until I did not try, live and experience, I literally can’t know.

When and as I am losing presence, especially at a directly physically active situation, such as dancing, starting to feel emotions, feelings, such as strange, awkward, inferior or confused, I realize, because of the mind-thought-pattern I was just participating in, thus I snap out of it, I breathe, I move myself and let it go and focus to what’s here.

When and as I see patterns reoccuring in regaring to relaxing, party, dance or social events, I apply self-forgiveness, I write down, I walk through the mind-constructs, establishing physical timeline to reveal the specific self-dishonesty patterns and support myself with preventing self-forgiveness, self-correction and self-commitment statements.

Please, check out the redesigned EQAFE website, there is so much support, wisdom and practical change guidance shared there, it’s one of a kind in this world!

 

Day 376 – Doubt and growth

P1010317Today’s menu:

Need to be absolutely sure – doubt within starting point, details of behavior.
Fear of being resisted, challenged, dominated – inferiority, fear of loss, fear of fear.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed to be honest with myself that the conviction of ‘need to be absolutely sure’ to do something is in it’s core is doubt, because I do not trust MYSELF HERE UNCONDITIONALLY, but the relationship, the point about to want to be sure, the conviction I want to be perfect to support my certainty and within that not realizing that I focus to perfect something based on a self-dishonest premise, which is not real to overcome a manifested behavior here, which is real: my acted out doubt in relation to myself, action and self-trust.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that to not move, initiate, start, live with the conviction of need to be absolutely sure first is self-sabotage, because I do not allow actual, physical and living space and time to find my ground, self-trust within living trial, but first want to model, virtualize, imagine and think it through in a way what satisfies and overcomes my originally self-accepted existence of doubt, and within that wanting to use this model and practise to break through the starting point of: fear of failure, fear of making mistake, fear of manifesting irreversible consequences.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only way I can really learn and expand is to live, to try, to make mistakes and fail, so then in real time I can start understanding cause and effect, how reality works based on common sense, practicality and accumulation.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the tendency to doubt, to stutter, to even petrify myself for apparently tiny moments during my day is accepted as normal to the degree of not even being aware of and thus missing opportunities, moments of expression, expansion and thus growth, based on the convictions of I first must be sure, convinced, justified and reasoned with to do something and within that not seeing/realizing and understanding that the very model and starting point of such logical thinking is flawed with doubt, fear of mistake and experiences, memories, automatic judgments and feelings/emotions, based on my past, wherein not allowing to step beyond of those patterns, thus not really expanding, trying new, but always repeating the same cycles in the hope of this time will break through, while the common sense is to first reveal, decompose, forgive and let go all those patterns and see with virgin eye, act with direct movement and to not rely on my past, of what I am not absolutely sure about, and even if so, to re-question if it’s really-really trustworthy to the degree of putting all my life on it and being able to risk not to grow if this is false/self-dishonest.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to change my obsession to be sure and certain, right and eliminating doubt means that I must do express perfection and then becoming obsessed with finding the possibly best approach and wanting, expecting to do that without consideration of where I am currently, my current status, location, opportunities and options, from which I actually can start to consider, structure and plan an actual process of progress and manifestation of the wished outcome and for that to be able to remain consistent within this process without relying on manipulating and stimulating myself in relation to doubt and confidence emotions/feelings, but only focusing on what’s real in and as the physical realm, measurable, obvious.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that to consider my doubt as a point to deal with or overcome based on feelings and emotions, thoughts and reasoning is not self-honest, thus accepting self-limitation, as I do accept the starting point of doubt and want to accept it to exist within the equation in a way that without it, the whole process of planned or actual progress becomes inconsistent, unpredictable or even sabotaged.

For instance a pattern: frustration – if there is no frustration, I do not push to get through a resistance, a limitation, let it be inner, such as worry, excuses, justifications – or external, such as not having enough time, skill, money or power to do something – and within that deliberately boosting my want to overcome that by annoyance and frustration to the point of no matter what, need to get through that – but once I do that, the very motivation to keep moving, directing, expanding becomes un-fueled as the frustration itself was the energy to move, and then finding myself not moving anymore, until again facing another or even the same type of source of frustration.

It’s similar to addiction – for instance to drugs(or sex or alcohol or buying) – one uses it to distract or escape from an experience, related to what’s present within one’s life – and thus the action one does in relation or with/based on/under of the subject of the addiction – and the initial experience fades, one feels great – and moves on – but then the same, unresolved, ran away/distracted from experience, situation returns, and one has a choice: do the same as before, which seemed maybe easier: to repeat the distraction, entertainment, or even self-destruction(getting wasted).

In this sense, people do not realize their addiction to their mind-cycles, and all the automatic compromises they accept and allow for having the ‘balanced and in control self’ – while it’s all self-created self-dishonest self-delusion.

And then people can get to the point of all day want to be high/drunk/etc – for admittedly to avoid to face their responsibility, in reality, what awaits them to deal with, walk through, solve, stand up to – or they just want to have regular boosts to ‘refill’ their ‘don’t feel bad too strongly’ shield. Either way, everything we do or don’t do – accumulate.
Just as our decision-making, and thus personality. As from the starting point one relies to the decisions, consequences and then how judged them in terms of their priority of interest(feeling good, being right for self or others too), thus behavior, habits, personality patterns form, crystallize and automatize.
Of course, most of the justifications are around the points of self-dishonesties, but within the context of making those decisions, ‘logical process’ – they seem totally reasonable, because one acted upon those already, many times.

“Don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it”

But usually people do.

I rather not generalize, but I can recognize this pattern within myself – thus it’s my responsibility to decompose, forgive for accepting and allowing and to see the specific trigger points, thus when next time about to manifest, I can see the predictable outcome if I don’t stop/change based on acknowledging what I already accepted and allowed – and thus to really stop and change.

And if anyone else recognizes this pattern within themselves, this might be an example or encouragement of why or how to support oneself to stop and change patterns within one’s behavior to expand, grow and live.

In this – I recognize that doubt-based resistances to break through with accumulating frustration is not supporting consistent expansion and creation, movement and direction, because as long as emotion/reaction-based energy is part of the equation, I am subjected to, dependent on, compromised by that relationship to that specific word-based trigger point, what should be identified honestly and understand within absolute specificity. So better to have decision, direction, commitment and principle and focus on manifesting clarity with self-communication, self-honesty and practical understanding.

Such as my point of decomposing, forgiving and letting go defining enjoyment within perfection only. Meaning perfection not with and as self as self-honesty, but trying to perfect the experience and the judgement of the relationships I form with things/people. That’s a trap. Just as naming it as inspiration for instance.

A tiny example: I re-started to learn Spanish guitar play – starting with basic techniques, such as ‘andalusian cadence’ – and it progresses alright as practicing every day a little. I am aware of what I want to do, be able to do, so it’s obvious what to do and kind of how.

And then last night found a player on youtube, who plays devilishly great – in my judgement – Tom Ward, playing Liszt Ferenc Hungarian Rhapsody 2 with ‘perfection’ in technique, effortlessness and passion – and I was like – this is the level I desire to reach – and the whole expression of his is very personal and unique and specific – the desire was within this perceived perfection. And I was immediately distracted with this desire, and from that point, my basic practices seemed soooooo far from where he is already at – and I defined this as inspiration – although it’s – if using it to my own process – distraction from the original experience of frustration accumulating during practicing a new thing.

I had lot of judgments before about this, such as ‘it’s useless skill, it’s just self-interest’, why not learn economy, or something to make more money with, or doing something for others, or creating something what helps solving problems in the world.

And then what I reasoned with is that no matter what I do, I always face myself within it, thus to expand, does not matter what it is, but the self-honesty within that process is what matters. Well, obviously in the context of equality and principle of do onto others what I would like to receive, based on the fact that this existence is a closed system, thus what goes around, comes around, even if not seeing the patterns due to complexity.

So what I concluded with was that I do the things I must do, and prioritize, and based on that it looks like doing this for some minutes per day is fine and I can learn and apply a lot of points I have already realized within walking Process, and also discover – and then share new, emerging points as well.

Also what is being revealed is that am I using learning guitar to distract myself from something else, with experiences, enthusiasm feelings, frustrations, resistances and walkthrough…

As for me – mountain climbing, when about to climb the Everest, even by risking my and others life – seems absolutely dumb, no doubt – and when I say that I can understand why people would want to acclaim that – what I really say is that – my justification self accepts and respects their justification self.

Of course, I do not want to be judged, so I shall not judge others either – which is also self-dishonest, based on having the starting point of an initial judgement, of ‘not to be judged by me doing this or that’, because I actually and already judge myself about it.

It’s tricky – and one would even consider that this whole article seems crazy and kind of insane – except that as I write it, as I see these to unfold in front of me – I breathe, I see, and I realize points to understand and if necessary: change and stop.

To just finish the example point about guitar – since years I have this aim/goal to play certain type of music with guitar, yet always starting, then stopping, then later re-starting, then stopping again – so it’s not consistent. And my justification was that ‘it’s not priority’ – and certainly it is not, it’s rather a hobby, a way to relax and enjoy.
And to recognize that, that it’s alright to not take this seriously can also come from self-communication and self-agreement. In this reflection – what I worded – effortlessness, passion, precise technique – and voila – it’s already much more tangible, doable – to focus on teaching myself – or unlearning patterns to allow myself to grow like that…In this sense, it’s not just about what I need to do, but also undo – as natural learning ability is the greatest.

IF – there is no self-dishonest justification and energetic mind accumulation in-between self and living. But if there is, then that is self-dishonesty and I want or not, if I accept this pattern within this ‘not priority’ aspect of myself, I might accept and live out within other, ‘priority’ aspect of myself too, thus discipline and principled living is suggested within all aspects of self.

As an excuse can be easily accepted by – this is not important – this moment is less relevant, now I can accept some little white lie, while in more important moments I can play the holy man – and voila – we are at the spiritual religious self-fuckery state, where one separates things, experiences, oneself based on ways to justify self-interest.

Meanwhile, in reality, all moments, breathe in and out, opportunity to be self-honest here in and as the physical body, in and as the physical reality – all are equal. No more holy, divine moments, people or actions – obviously, sometimes one has to have more attention, like while driving, but this type of justification can lead to some serious self-dishonesty.

Such as – I do not have to be self-honest while just killing all those pests, animals in my house – as now I can just kill the mofos with rigid ruthlessness, instead of considering why they are here, what I did what lead this to happen, can I see the bigger picture, is there any way to deal with this.

Or typical – to allow crazy, even abusive thoughts to run around – smile at someone while thinking that ‘what an a$$h0le’ – as believing that what I think is less holy than what I actually do: smiling as that is good, but while in fact having this resentment.

That’s why there is no middleground with self-honesty – and it is extremely difficult to never fall – but in the same way it’s very simple to allow myself to be intimate with myself to really see – am I dishonest, even just a little bit about anything or not.

This I wanted to pronounce about my starting point of doubt and worry to do something if not perfect, because the only way to really learn and grow, to expand is by mistakes – and in theory I can be master of myself, my mind, but if I do not even move I will not see what I still miss, thus not taken into consideration to actual, practical, real understanding, thus will not be able to change.

Each moments are equal, so if I am really good to not fall into a self-dishonest pattern in the day’s 99.99%, but in the remaining 0.01%, certainly and always – then the judgment of ‘mostly I am great’ does not mean much if there is always a cyclic point of ‘then always falling into this inevitably’, as it just restarts the cycle of not changing, and thus need to broaden the understanding the whole multidimensional dynamics of my participation and experiences, reactions and thoughts/feelings/emotions in that particular physical timeline.

That’s where Desteni I Process Pro online course is the greatest assistance by the Mind Constructs technique – to write down the actual timeline of what happened, also adding what I experienced, thought, all the patterns, building blocks of my participation and correlate to reality, within self-honesty – so then I clearly can discover all the patterns I live by, so then there can no remain any justification or excuse, because all is in front of me, thus can assist and support myself with change.

And that is what the greatest potential and power in existence, really – as we can accept ourselves as flawed, tainted, scarred, limited and handicapped – or we learn and grow out of those, one by one – with support, assistance and actual enjoyment of self-liberation, which undoubtedly accumulates to all existence as the whole is nothing but all it’s parts together.

Day 370 – Daily Forgiveness and Walk

P1010668Today just generic Self-forgiveness from this point and see where I move from here.

  • I forgive myself that I have not considered the fact that reality is something what is always here, in and as the physical and if I am not aligned with it in thought, word and deed, I am living in an alternate, virtual, delusional reality and even if I convinced myself that it’s okay to shift back and forth, not realizing that the consequences I create in my separate, personal reality due to the separation experience from reality will inevitably manifest in the reality as well, just more unpredictably, thus determining my actual life to be insecure, uncertain and confusing, because I am not aware of what I actually cause and how – because if I would be, I certainly would consider to stop this madness of self-awareness and would focus to re-align with all life awareness here in and as the physical reality.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that each moment I skip breath as awareness, presence and inner silence of thoughts, feelings and emotions, I stop birthing myself into and as the physical here, thus prolonging my deluded experience of existence through and as the mind consciousness system, because even that I know that the source of the consciousness is the physical, it’s automatism is so ingrained and infested into each moment of my life, that I am being overwhelmed by reactions I did not yet decompose and realize how to prevent participating within.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the strive to do more, be faster, better and just to simply state be and feel, experience – thus pretend – to be more than who I am here today – this is causing me to always strive, be vulnerable to the patterns of insecurity and fear, causing me to skip a breath, because wanting to think the situation I am within through, in order to get by, get through – and not realizing that this abdication of responsibility only leads to time loop and manifesting more consequences, thus more reason to react again to the situation, and if starting to move towards realizing what is actually here in and as the reality, then I would be overwhelmed and would experience instability and intensified fear, thus would want to return to the more stable experience of ‘all right’-type of self-interest, as long as I can keep feeding my mind-possessions of fulfilling my self-created desires and evading to face my fears in a reasonably acceptable rate.
  • When and as I want to do more, want to be more, want to seem more, or to have, feel or experience more than what is here in my direct reality available, I stop and I allow myself to breathe, just breathe, wash away the polarity of my mind-activities and just embrace myself as inner quietness, purely physical being and move myself to directly see, directly feel, directly decide without thinking and if I can’t, then I decompose the patterns I am not aware of to be able to move about.
  • When and as I am walking, I walk here, I focus to the action, the feel, the physical, the breathing, the gravity, the air, the movement, the body, the surroundings and I allow my mind to be quiet.
    I direct myself to have a polarity-free peace while physically moving, as when I move, my mind stops.

As I physically walk, I walk through the mind, I can see the mind, I can feel the mind, but I direct myself to not participate in the mind, not react to the mind, only embracing, understanding and expanding within breathing awareness.

  • When and as I walk, let’s say the hallway at the office I work at – and I catch a little trouble in my mind, such as a thought of something I should do, I should not forget, a worry of something happened/would about to happen, I acknowledge the notion and I move forward.
    I see/realize and understand that within awareness, if I do not seize it with giving the permission and the control to the thinking mind, I can embrace just a little more and more with each breath, this is the real and tangible infinity which awaits to all humans, already today: the liberation with breath through and as understanding, forgiving and embracing the mind to see and understand beyond with practical common sense and that no one knows what’s possible as we have all been limited to our own imagination based on desires and fears we previously could imagine and got stuck with them, thus the realization is to let go all I hold onto and focus to what is here in and as the physical here.
  • When and as I worry about money, not having enough, not being able to afford, pay or sort out something financially, I realize – one breath at a time, and to structure, plan, consider – my proven best practical way is to sit down and write all to a paper/text file and do account all and without any worry influence to make the best practical decision and then plan the solution and move forward and then the end of the day/cycle, to check reality again, commitment and decision too and if required, realign, adjust, change, step back or completely stop – it’s all within self-direction without accepting fear and worry, devotion and desire, but simply as decision as who I am as living life.

Challenging point – the office does not feel physically too friendly – cold-ish, dry air, fluorescent lights – it’s temporally, but I take the challenge as something to enjoy and to see what I can do to support my body, presence and continuous realizations within this environment, what I can actually do to make sure that I can work effectively and efficiently, while considering my body, process and have fun.

Today in the office I was all day in my light jacket and big scarf – it was okay, although I had the thought that I might seem as someone is just arriving or about to leave – that made me smile, although did not really care, as I was enjoying that this gave me comfort. Also – drinking a lot of water – I am quite effective within this, and nowadays, as having the last days of the flu – still needs to hydrate more – so today one of my focus points was to drink enough water, do not feel cold and not get tired – meaning not to fall into the mind-tiredness experience.
It went well, until about 15h – and I realized that I have created the cycle of big break in this period and did not come, and I was seeing that I expect something what does not ‘come’ by itself and that relationship was like a waiting process and within that I was reacting and judging the situation and then I felt a bit of tiredness – not because of the job was exhausting or I actually got tired, but because I stopped self-directing and moving and automatically falling back to the mind-realm, where I am exposed to the needs of energy experiences.
Was fascinating to see that this realization was missing from my inventory – although in theory I knew it since years: it’s not enough to forgive and stop patterns, I actually have to fill up the void with self-movement, self-direction and self-creation in each moments equally, otherwise I stop expanding and the mind is vast, well, limited, but if I stop, I don’t see, I don’t really feel, only through the one dimension of the mind, which can just make me believe that it’s infinite, although it’s just one tiny slice of me. But definitely need to deal with it, otherwise it will always be at my nose – in the way of moving and expanding. Dealing: meaning to understand what that tiny dimension in this situation actually means and why is currently blocking my way to simply live without fear.

Even boredom and tiredness can be backtracked to fear – let’s say it’s a homework. There will be a mind-construct, a timeline of thoughts, reactions, actions and events and somewhere inbetween, one can find that honesty with self – fear. Fascinating. Within the era of human created A.I. – there is so much potential – imagine a self-honest A.I. develops an A.I.

Who said life only can be born from the organic physical? Hehe, will see…

Nonetheless, it’s our call of duty to start living without any lies to ourselves or others.

Consciousness Shift and the Death of the Physical – Life Review

Day 364 – Resisting conflict construct

IMG_0987I am working on a Mind Construct which relates to conflict. My previous strategy was avoiding conflicts, because I had the belief and the perception that I am not good within solving them, not, because I believed that I do not understand the problem well, but it seemed that my problem is that I can’t share and communicate with the other(s) what’s right, and thus I had the tendency to not even try or simply avoid these situations.

This carries quite some points what should be reviewed in the principle of absolute self-honesty, which I am going to walk through briefly. I am still walking these points within the Mind Construct, so here I only share my understandings I became aware of thus far.

Walking a Mind Construct is a unique technique what Desteni I Process Pro online course entails to learn, an immensely great self-supporting tool to expose self-delusions and self-limitations in order to assist and support ourselves and each other to be able to stop participating within various types of self-dishonesty.

First of all, there is an obvious righteousness within that statement: ‘I can’t share and communicate with the other(s) what’s right’ – and it might be the situation, but to always start like this, no matter what conflict I face, it’s overconfident, and if I really investigate points, I simply am not right, but as I do not face the so perceived conflict, I do not confront my perception with others, I might just never know what’s the truth(facts).
So in order to protect my idea of ‘I am right’ – I can simply avoid confronting anyone who would oppose of that of my particular statement for instance. Avoidance big time.

Secondly, because I believe that I am not able to communicate my points properly, in particular with those who I believe to be much more efficient within communication and argument, I define myself as inferior within sharing and persuading. And if I really want to nitpick, the word ‘persuasion’ – it’s not about finding out and sharing facts, but persuading others of what I want them to perceive. That’s another point to consider.

My belief that I am not good with talking within opposing opinions comes from the memory and fear of someone being emotional near, with, against me, because of the memories of my childhood primarily, where adults were often angry at each other and really behaving nasty and argue and fight with each other and that I never liked, and as a child, could not really come out with a real good solution/support within those situations, but best seemed to avoid, be distracted, or if not possible, suppress the reactions.

Thus, the belief that I can’t do anything about emotions, emotional people, and then allowing myself being influenced to become emotional, I guess I did not even try anymore, or what I concluded or convinced myself to do was mostly distraction, avoidance and suppression.

Even now, when my communication skills have developed a lot since my childhood, at times when I am not aware of that I am becoming angry or frustrated, I am losing the ability to remain effective, to consider common sense, as I guess, many other fellow humans can relate with this, and I always hated this, because for me effectiveness and always being able to calculate options is very important.

Therefore, anything obviously causing to compromise the almost ‘cold’-like calculation within a situation, I simply disregard focusing to, which is, less nicely put: ‘don’t give a shit about it’ – if I can. If I can’t then I am in big trouble and often can overcomplicate or overreact.

Emotions are not bad – must admit – but if I allow those to control and take over me when I should consider facts only – then I am compromised and no matter what, everyone is always responsible for their actions, even when their mind is clouded. Thus I’d prefer not to be clouded.

This does not mean I can not enjoy, share or care, when it is an expression, directly, and not an energetic experience only, but an ACTION, then I live the words, not being defined by self-dishonesty-based influenced through my accepted and allowed relationship I exist in relation to words.

The solution is not that difficult – in written words – just be able to recognize a pattern, apply in real time the practical prevention and then to live the purified and re-defined version of the words.

Here: COMMUNICATION within CLARITY and PRESENCE.

So whenever I am being influenced with emotions and becoming reactive, energetic experiences ‘lubricate’ and speed up my mind and my reaction time is more immediate – when considering consequences and best options less and less, but automacically acting out a pattern, which I already realized within self-honest assesment and diary that it’s not tbe best to do, and I am not honest with myself absolutely, then once I recognize the pattern, I can PREVENT myself indulging within such automatic reaction.

Within this example I share here today – communication, conflict – I recognize, I should remain present, directive, not get reactive, and to see – in the past, yes, I was not that effective within sharing my point, what I see as relevant, but today, if I focus to what I want to say, to the other participant, to my physical body, breathing, environment, — then I can express myself, use words, enjoy sounding the voice of the words and not be influenced by the fear of not being able to talk.
Especially, because, in fact not being able to express myself properly is due to the overwhelming reactions, but if I stop the domino to fall into that reaction, I can stop the whole pattern to act out.

It’s quite empowering. And within the communication, sharing the point with other(s), expanding with response-ability: I might find out that I was actually wrong – thus I correct the potential righteousness as well – which, if I would not communicate and share, receive and hear, I might not even realize, but would remain in the perception of I am right, while not actually.

So, in short, this is a typical pattern what can lie behind in a two sentence scenario, what is worth to decompose and correct.

Self-forgiveness is practical step for taking action and responsibility, because

  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to fall into emotional reaction automatically, even I have already proven to myself that it’s not the best and honest way
  • and also forgiving myself for believing that I can’t express and share myself, because as happened in the past, defined myself as such, and thus re-creating myself again and again like that, thus locking myself into this self-definition.

Giving myself an opportunity to recognize that fear from emotions, conflict is fear from making the same mistakes I did before, and also giving myself the chance to STOP this pattern this time and explore what I can do to change.

This is the best tool to deal with any kind of limitation anyone faces in this world, and if being resisted, having excuse of why it is not your type of activity, way of dealing with shit, it is worth considering the fact that the very resistance you experience is also just a type of pattern what can be decomposed and transcended with the mind construct.

Also to apply self-corrective statements – it’s like creating a thin but firm structure to re-align, like a blueprint or screenplay for a scenario, where I should be able to support myself with re-creation, until I can stand in real time to apply the prevention, stopping, changing, expanding.

  • When and as I find myself within a conflict with someone, I make sure that I do not get emotional, do not get personal, I focus to remain stable, effective within communication and share my point – and hear the other and let us find out facts and solution.

We all are operating with words, our mind computer has the operating system programmed by our language, by our definitions, associations, and some of those are correct, aligned with facts, and some are influenced by fear, worry, delusion or desire.

Aligning ourselves to facts is not a nice thing, because many truth hurts, but that’s the way towards empowering ourselves to be able to really understand problems to be able to take responsibility for and finding practical solutions.

Equally so within our mind, our personal life and the interpersonal, universal world as well. As above, so below, as within, so without – it’s always a joy to share a pun and end it with fun!