Day 417 – With Body to Awareness

IMG_1350We all know there is kinesiology working, meaning professionals can utilize the human physical body to assist with specific mind-issues and it is an indication for a potential not many use within self-honesty, including myself.

What I have noticed is that I can catch micro-expressions on my face for instance when participating in communication or social interaction with others.
Sometimes I can notice that some part of my face can have a tick, a glitch, a slight movement automatically – other body parts, hands, legs also can ‘pick up’ slight mind-movements, but the discovery started with my face.

I remember, when Sunette told me in 2010 that there are specific TV-series what are built around truths in terms of self-support, for instance ‘Lie to me’ – wherein a specialist group focuses on the human face’s micro-expressions to solve social challenges, problems, including crime. They ask tough questions to the accused and the look/record their face, measure blood pressure, etc.

The body as being aware really knows what’s going on in our minds, the question is that what we are going to do with it.

A slight frown, a tiny bit of lip-glitch, reaction of surprise, anger, disgust, fear or desire are strong indications for the person’s reactions, regardless of their intent to try to hide it.

Now as a politician makes more sense to use Botox or specific pills, so they act their pre-designed role without being triggered.

The power of the Process of Self-realization is to bring all back to Self and to see what’s self-honest and what not, to guide oneself through the sometimes definitely challenging dilemmas, choices and decisions by seeing any reaction, automatic response, triggered body movement, physical feeling and to understand why, what’s really happening.

Why is this important? Because it is not the default to always know and understand why do we feel and do the way we live and oftentimes people can be unaware of suppression, judgement or any form of self-limitation.

It is almost too natural to automatically blame, project, justify and delude ourselves and thus others that an individual with a healthy attitude must look for ways to become aware of these less obvious reactions and responses.

What I start to utilize from this is that when I realize that my face does some automatic movement, reaction, that I need to look into my head, quite literally to see what’s going on, what I react to and why.

One of my life-along journey is to decompose and stop suppression, meaning not to ‘live inside as in and as my mind and based on that react with physical actions’ but to express myself in and as physical movement, direction and clarity.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that there is suppression going on within myself and only catching it by feeling my body, my face moves, does involuntary reactions, such as tightening my lip, ticking somewhere, a muscle stretching BY a thought process or a specific emotional reaction.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be intimate with myself on beingness, mind and body level to be aware of all internal processes, on the level of thoughts, feelings and emotions so then to see the motivation behind my decisions, choices and actions because being caught up in the preoccupation of those thoughts, feelings and emotions and their energetic reactions and to believe and act as this is who I am; instead of seeing and realizing that I primarily exist in my mind and thus being limited and not trusting and BEING truly physical here, but existing in and as this separation based on polarity and self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be quite in my mind so then to see when any mind pattern or construct is being activated and how exactly I am limiting myself to my past, fears and self-limitations.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that my entire human physical body is here as the living expression of awareness, and the very fact that I am not aware of what is going on in it proves that I am separated from this opportunity and expression of living in awareness, thus the common sense solution is to de-prioritize my mind-related activities and literally spend more time in and as the body, here, with and as the physical and to realize that the mind is a tool, an organic machine which is already programmed and might not be – facts are proving that – it is not practical, self-honest or expressing what is best for all participants in my reality.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be aware of my micro-expressions what indicate reaction, inner dialogue, friction or conflict wherein I preoccupy myself with the judgement, reaction and based on that I mis-perceive what is really going on here in reality.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is not to fight, hide or suppress my face, body’s reactions so then I can keep pretending that I am not reacting, but to utilize it to understand myself more in order to stop all bullshit.

I forgive myself that I have not developed a natural expression to discover and understand my face, body’s micro-expressions to expose self-dishonesty to be able to stop and change for good.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the importance of always being aware of what my body is showing to me in any given moment and that the very fact of not being aware of it indicating that I need to STOP and decompose the patterns I participate, such as emotions, thoughts and feelings, being specific to WORD my experience, NAME the pattern and understand the construct.

I forgive myself that I have not realized what are the signs my body showing when I am participating in self-suppression and self-denial through self-judgement and self-dishonesty and thus

I commit myself to develop a practical skill to utilize my human physical body’s reactions and involuntary, automatic movements, signs to see when I am being dishonest, how I am doing it so then I can become aware of how to stop such patterns.

I commit myself to focus on my direct physical expression, movement and action instead of thinking and reacting in my head by believing that it is a safe and useful virtual space to live within and also committing myself to make accumulative effort to bring myself back here into direct physical presence and action and to utilize my mind as a tool to reveal or understand things FROM the starting point of absolute self-honesty.

I commit myself to see what is causing me to suppress and not move, express and to dismantle all the judgement systems within me so then I can become more direct and physical living expression unconditionally.

I commit myself to make notes and word down the points I discover during being aware of what my body is showing to me so then I do not forget, I do not time-loop.

This point opened up during my recent commitment and application of fine-tuning and changing my body posture, how I stand, how I sit, how I walk and how I do not allow to ‘swallow’ my chin but to push it forward to assist and support my birthing as life from the physical.
It is still not ‘satisfying’ and becoming default to not being compromised how I exist and express myself in and as my body, thus this process continues, meanwhile also working through the resistances, excuses and judgments.

Once discovering more, will continue sharing about this.

I also just realized the whole series of BODY LANGUAGE interviews at EQAFE focusing on this topic, so will listen them to see what I can utilize during this process of realization.


Day 410 – Working on Courage


IMG_0773Foundation – physical body support: chin up, shoulders back, chest forward and straight spine.

It is actually tiresome, after my day often correcting and ‘holding’ my posture – my mid-back feels tired. But at the same time the advantages are obvious: more fluid breathing, physical presence awareness and actually less back pain during computer-related activities.
Mostly worked on my back pull, chest push today, tomorrow continuing with the shoulders pull and chin up – to hold and take time in these positions.

Still feels like I need to get back to normal to ‘rest’ from this tiresome action but it is really great and after only one day it is obvious that I need to gift myself this stance to become my position to always return to naturally.

What is the courage in this – to give myself the courage to keep standing in this posture in physically to support my stand in relation to myself, the world and my mind system to face and deal with anything comes at me, no matter what.

Some weight/body weight training to supports to strengthen the lower/mid back, needs to continue with the shoulder and chest strengthening. Some arm strengthening will also support to balance out the tension I put on to my arms – in general exercises support to release tension and become more relaxed and make the body the proper expression and to balance out the all-day office, at desk postures.

In general, I enjoy moving, dynamically shifting pace and various expressions and it is also a fine way to be with myself, finding inner silence, balance and clarity.

Nonetheless to say – oftentimes the best to combine it with listening to EQAFE interviews – they are the best to accumulate practical wisdom, no doubt.

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the lack of courage I allowed myself to become in regarding to my physical stance, posture and expression through my back, shoulders, chest and chin points – what are supporting me to reflect back and correct within my starting point and expression.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that my current physical representation as of taking the straight and firm position making me tired after a while, also to live courage only being able to apply for a limited time before running out of energy as it is not natural self-expression, but of conditions what run out – instead of finding and living my effortless standing and expressions, effort here meaning no energy, feeling, emotion, thought involved to accumulate any variation of my standing or expression.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself within various situations what carry opportunities of courage to recognize and live, own and express, such as breaking through habits what limit me, what I fall into within automatic reactions and not supporting myself with the courage to be vulnerable to feel the experiences I resist during living courage to stop, to re-align and to start something new.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that my entire physical presence and expression is tainted with ingrained acceptance of lack of courage and that to change is going to take time thus it is not to do it with force and control, anger or any emotions, but without energy, planning, consideration and reality-awareness, slowly but surely accumulating to change day by day, following up that process with writing, self-forgiveness and self-commitments.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become this soldier within myself wanting to WIN and dominate, control and force myself from one experience to another instead of be gentle, intimate, loving and respecting with myself and within that to find the enjoyment and self-trust.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that my perfectionism what have accepted and allowed myself to show as general pattern within my approach to things and in overall Process of Self-realization is a sign and consequence of self-defeat and self-doubt and within that not admitting why not trusting myself and why not opening up the points I hold onto with self-judgement and being shameful, shy and so condescending to myself as it is genuinely proven that as not working tactic.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not pushing myself enough, not doing, not stopping, changing and expanding enough and thus wanting to force changing, out of reality, out of practical common sense and out from actual awareness of what’s within and without and thus creating friction, exhaustion and general positive and negative polarity experiences, instead of finding my balance within calm and consistent presence and not focus on the velocity of my progress, but the quality and consistency of it with always being specific of what is the goal here in this moment, on this day, within this scenario.
  • I commit myself to find realistic and direct specificity within writing and instead of trying and hoping, aligning with a ‘screenplay’ what is to always be absolutely specific, for instance, instead of ‘becoming great at work’ – to name the areas, kind of tasks, direct responsibilities, one by one and to see what that entails, required and have to do to own and become.
  • I commit myself to let go the emotional reaction-based planning, desiring and in general not specific goals, and always to see ahead up to a point what I can design an actual walk-able and measurable path to get there.
  • I commit myself to keep embracing, utilizing and trusting, caring for and enjoying my human physical body as who I am as life without separation.
  • I commit myself to continue with the re-alignment and re-designing of my presence, stance, expression within and as my human physical body to establish support and reference points to live courage and self-trust through aligning my back, shoulders, chin and chest until it is my natural expression without any extra effort.
  • I commit myself to assess and document my process of my physical body support alignment and within that accumulating understanding and experience.

Explore EQAFE – one of a kind exceptional support on self-expansion and general knowledge about the world.

Here are many reviews of those EQAFE Interviews.

Day 308 – Rebuilding self

img_1001Rebuilding Self

I remember, when I was talking with Bernard, he told me that once I decompose my mind and personality, I will be able to re-create, rebuild a completely new me, according to who I want to be and become.

That seemed strange in that time, about 6-7 years ago, but already saw some potential in that.

I was at a 2 days body art – body time – self-supporting – awareness workshop weekend training and with some friends and about a dozen of new people and we had all kinds of various plays, situations, within many, we stood, walked and moved really close to each other and it was like a flock of birds. I had no thoughts or emotions, I was part of the flock, in a way I was the flock, but still had my individual presence within it. It was interesting experience. I had no fear of losing myself, neither of desire to be more.

I am reflecting back to my ‘old self’, who I was before started to decompose my mind-patterns I constitute of. That old Tala could have felt awkward, a bit anxious and uncertain, because my mind would have been overwhelmed by comparisons, judgments, definitions, associations, reactions.

Also, there were situations wherein my eyes were blindfolded and I could walk in the room and explore, meet and interact with others without words – just movement. Whenever I realized that I touch an other man’s hand – I did not feel awkward or confused, not, because I would define myself to be attracted to men, not really – but within that situation, which was completely not about sex, it was okay to just communicate with a touch – like blind and silent people probably would do. This brought up a lot of other senses, like smelling, space-awareness, gravity, body balance, and the touch itself.
I also encountered with women and in fact regardless of I could decide if the person is a woman or not, I was able to interact with no expectation or judgement. If the person decided to move along, it was alright, also if I wanted to walk away, there were no strings attached, meaning no confusion or stopping to wonder why this happened.

Who I am today is completely comfortable among strangers – regardless of how they look like or what status they are within – okay, probably if they would be threatening, I’d be in another state, but until that – and even then – I should just be normal me, comfortable and stable, open and present. This is the new self I am building, and while some of my friends do build their body literally with lifting heavy metals and consuming extra protein towards their desirable image and likeness, I am building a self first by decomposing the old one from the mind consciousness level and then figuring out what kind of re-definition of words, expressions I want to become. Even slight movements, such as how to grab a fork or make a step I often find myself slowing down within into and become aware of the very specific and detailed physical movement I take and in that moment I can try out new movements as well.
For instance since at least a decade I concluded that I’ve found a way how I am toweling my back and feet the most effective way and I used to do like that every day – well, I guess I never really cared about this, just get it done and move along to my next activity. This is just a tiny example, but even within this I can just start doing slightly differently while being empty within my mind – nothing to think about, worry about, plan for, remember back, so then I find myself being here, just toweling myself dry. Weird. Not really, but maybe a little.
It’s like when I see humanoid slave robots are gaining consciousness within various movies/TV series – all of a sudden they just stop within their movement and start wondering about what’s I am doing, well, how this feels and how I’d really like it differently.

I used to be suppressive and closing down type, and today I often approach complete strangers at public places, just to communicate, share, by a motivation, or pure curiosity – and more and more realizing that feeling awkward was of fear of judgement, fear of failure, which is again comparison, judgement.
The more judgement systems I decompose, stop participate within, the more I am present, free from these automatic patterns and beyond that there is actual freedom to explore, decide, re-create.

The human mind consciousness system has been setup in a specific way that even those apparently irrelevant personality traits are connected to deeper patterns, more subtle, sub- or unconscious mind manifestations, what first one has to open up, dig out, unveil, expose, decompose to be able to loosen up these patterns.

Forgiving myself for a self-limitation for instance and what I have accepted and allowed to became is literally stating out that I recognize my responsibility, ability and decision within creation, as creator and created as one and equal and going into specific understanding of a pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatize movements I do every day what I believed to be irrelevant, wanting those to do the most efficient way I can and get over with it while not really being aware of the physical movement itself, the touch, the feel, thus giving my mind the opportunity to focus to something else, a thought, a feeling, an emotion, a memory, a reaction, and although it seems like this is an advantage – actually I am not honestly and presently expressing myself in this moment, well, every day doing it, never being present in this movement as limited this to be always about efficiency and getting it done.

Not saying that toweling my feet should be the greatest awareness point in the universe, just recognizing the tendency to get distracted in that moment and within my mind jumping forward, imagining, thinking about something else, about the future, what I am going to do, feel, whatever.

To be present in the self-defined ‘mundane’ moments is absolutely not waste of time, but an equal opportunity with all of my other situations and actions to solidify, direct and live my presence here.

I’d suggest to do the challenge and try to take a shower without thinking about something/anything else. Be present, be the showering, not to go to future, or to past – can you do that?

I still can’t from start to end, for ten minutes – within absolute self-honesty – but working on it every day.

Also – if you would decide to try it – and you cannot – what this tells about you? Actually a lot!

First of all – you are not really in direction, but your mind deals the cards a lot of time to you and you just play with those – something comes into your mind, you react, then go there, and then here, and then another thing pops in, jack in the box jumps another story, it’s like a mini-movie going around, while you do shower, wash the body, then toweling, etc.
Of course you can feel stuff, to some extent ‘data’ feeds into your mind…

Secondly – the very points popping up can be also specific – the very points you might face worry, fear about, or desire to, excitement about – energy. Positive or negative – it’s all in a waving balance actually.

Many people LOVE thinking – to think about stuff, to stimulate, to combine, to evolve memories, data – I do not really like it anymore. It feels superficial, limited, confining. All memory-based anyway. Nothing really-really new actually. Sure, it’s variation, permutation of previous thoughts and reactions, emotions, feelings also can change, evolve due time, but in those thinking moments I am lacking full body presence awareness. That’s right. No being one with breath, no being ONE with physical, mental – it’s rather like a software running, electrifying through my brain, my spine, my limbs. Many can define that also as awesome, stimulating, like a rush, a sense of light, quick movement, feeling alive. It’s energy. Like sugar or alcohol. Basically the same. Again – separation – electricity, positive and negative. Polarizing, not unifying.

Well, this is just an approach to start discovering new ways to exist – body awareness workshops are awesome, safe places and groups to explore what is beyond the thinking mind and how awareness actually can only be experienced and expressed through and as our body presence.

And a lot of people face resistances, difficulties, blockades during these body work situations, also revealing how the mind can limit pure physical self-expression. Then the process to walk through those patterns is common sense. That is where decomposition, re-definition, re-building self also becomes relevant.

If I would have a choice, why would I want to be embarrassed by cultural imprinting while living? Why would I feel awkward, confusing while being in the presence of strangers? What programs I’ve given permission to my mind to take over and while I’d repeat the thought-feeling pattern to go my virtual happy place, while my body just does it’s job, like a robot? What movements, expressions within my living I do not like and why? Can or should I change any or all of those? Can I? Why can’t I? Why should I accept myself not being able to directly assess and change any of my behavior, especially, if something is not supporting me or others?

Re-building self is inevitable in the path of awareness, I mean who is perfect already who does not want to change anything within themselves? And even if so – is that really-really the best possible potential? How can we be so sure if we did not even try anything else to be as who we perceive ourselves to be since decades?

I stop with these questions and encourage everyone to also start writing and asking questions and giving answers too and start expanding, sharing and if seems fitting, also start changing. Enjoy!