Day 350 – Intense realizations with body support

Sometimes when facing a deeper, unconscious self-dishonest pattern to be able to understand and stop, can have these intensified emotional and physical moments and experiences. Sharing about how I am dealing with it and supporting myself with body awareness and applying self-forgiveness to stop the self-dishonest patterns I have been existing as until now. talvlonov7

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Day 328 – Beauty continued to decompose

IMG_2251-EditContinuing with beauty. Particularly supportive this at the moment in my life.

Not as I would have problem with beauty or experience something beautiful, I guess it is quite nice. However who I am as life within absolute self-honesty brings up the realization and necessity of purifying this word: beauty to be able to directly experience, live and express without polarity, memories from the past, desires to the future, but anchored into and as this moment, right here, in and as the physical.

Why always bringing up the word and specificity of ‘physical‘?

What do I mean beauty in relation to the physical? Certainly sounds as I would mean to judge someone’s appearance according to the physical image. But it’s quite not.

It is NOT TO judge the person through the mind, about the interpretation of the physical picture, as beyond that there is equality existing on the physical substance awareness level.

In the current world, culture, or even ‘ancient scriptures’ – this is barely mentioned.

Everything of this system guides truth seekers towards consciousness, energy, mind, the light, visuals, bliss and beauty, but the real and ultimate reality is within and as the physical substance awareness level. That is why it is crucial, highly recommended and absolutely supportive to at least grasp this paradigm, which is quite frankly, within it’s full spectrum, still only shared through EQAFE.com, supported with courses of http:/desteniiprocess.com. That is why I keep mentioning it, not of any personal agenda, it’s that awesome! Even with the fact that some interviews are only available for some dollars. Well, running such a website has some costs and the individuals are uploading are normal people, no corporation, government or billionaire behind it. So, for me, it’s rather EQAFE to spend to than for beer or fancy latte in a posh uptown groovy place.

During my entire life, since I’ve gained consciousness, I was looking for answers, truth and actual power, and everything is here, with me, in and as my human flesh also, as that is the only gate, the key which through I can really live. No matter, how beautiful visions, feelings I can experience, but if not lived in the flesh, then it’s just a stimulating simulation. That is why this process of transformation with words within the Journey to Life.
And indeed, takes 7 years, and actually more, but it is the greatest investment one can have as it is directly self here.

This self-purification and re-definition process can open up a more direct experience, relationship, communication and expression, which is not based on what I like and what I do not like, but something much more.

Thus, I become aware of the pattern by being honest with myself through for-GIVING myself the clarity of where and why, how and when I specifically give into self-dishonesty and I genuinely want to stop participating within those patterns. And if I stop, then I can be free of such self-limitation.

My entire life has been vastly stimulated by the idea of beauty, I was also compromising myself to gain, experience and trying to get hooked to the energetic reactions I’ve defined as positive feedback to my own self-created idea of beauty, beautiful, as value, as identity.

The fact that I needed and wanted to be stimulated by experience and feelings in relation to beauty indicates that I am separated from the meaning of beauty through these mind-and thought, and energetic feeling processes, therefore I can only become one and equal with beauty itself, through the mind, but still separated from me. And that is a trap, never satisfying, always changing, unreliable starting point to live by. Therefore to decompose all those thought, reaction patterns and to allow to be vulnerable, to be open and directly embrace and experience the things – beyond beauty. And then to explore, what and how I could re-define beauty, the word and the EXPRESSION, not just an experience of beauty without polarity, to be able to live it without separation and limitation. It’s quite extraordinary process. Just as with each words. That is I walk here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a ‘balancing out’ mode in my mind according to beauty, as whenever I recognize the pattern that I went into judging someone based on looks, such as ‘she is good looking’ – and then to say ‘and she is also beautiful within’. Or ‘she has no beautiful body, but within, she is beautiful. Or ‘she is beautiful, but her pants is ugly’ – meaning there is polarity, good and bad – according to my own preference, thus interest.

I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself to acknowledge that when I go into the ‘beauty within’ about a person, I am balancing out the polarity system in my mind from the judgement of the look, the picture, the image of a person, to be able to make myself believe that I am not only considering the image, the picture, as that would make me feel as someone not profound, only looking the visual and not the actual being within and not realizing that this is all self-manipulation and justification to keep judging based on positive and negative and relate to that within self-interest automatically, and within that not realizing the inherent self-acceptance for pure self-interest existing on a subconscious level.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the value is not real, of what I give into beauty and being attracted to experiences, persons of interest about that self-defined beauty energetic experience to be able to be triggered, because this value is only based on my pre-defined judgements. If I would not be able to recall my definitions, memories, I would lose the entire ‘beauty construct’, thus also indicating, I never really actually ‘had’ it, but I made myself being able to constantly and consistently re-create these patterns within me to experience beauty, through my mind, but never directly – and without asking why not? What is the fear, the loss I do not want to embark to?

I forgive myself that I have not realized that beauty itself is just a word, and what meaning I give to it, that defines and creates my experience, my expression and actual living about it, thus if it is based on compensation, fear, then that will always be part of it, and thus me, which in itself is not the beauty definition I really would like to live.

I forgive myself that I have not realized how and when and why I define myself as opposite of beauty, wanting to be beautiful, but feeling that I can’t, therefore wanting to find a source of beauty so to speak to be able to any time judge it as beautiful, therefore experience beauty and within that not seeing when and why I do that, as when lacking it, or automatically accepting self-definition about defining myself not beautiful, not nice, ugly, unattractive and not realizing that whole construct I never yet explored, forgiven and transcended, because believing that is not significant in my life, but if it is still existing, influencing me today, then it is surely a priority to deal with.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to re-define my rate of beauty according to norms in the world, society, movies, magazines, and based on that seeing some parts of my visual representation as not as perfect as it could be, therefore should be, yet not really doing anything about it, but only judging myself, because within self-honesty, I also see that I should not try to ‘make myself to be more beautiful’ as it is based on a delusion, a fear, and if I would start to act upon it, that would mean that I am more fucked that I can feel myself when simply defining myself not beautiful.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the main reason of the whole addiction to experiencing beauty as not trusting myself, not loving myself, not LIVING myself unconditionally to my utmost potential consistently, therefore instead of doing all I can, when not doing so, judging myself as ‘bad boy’, and within that judge experience activating inner conflict, based on the actual and real self-acceptance within the starting point of doubt, fear – and to deal with that inner conflict, to manipulate and stimulate myself into experiences, for instance with beauty, and here, as what is acceptable in the world system for instance, to ‘have a beautiful partner’. Or to be around people I could automatically judge as beautiful, therefore feeling the value and experience it and no need to look into myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within looking beauty outside of me, I am not taking responsibility for the inner conflict I allow and create and within that also realizing that why need to be beautiful and within that also not realizing that beauty is power as I defined it, therefore compensating power with it.

Within beauty what Power I want to have access to?

Obviously attraction, respect and also more chance to success and better support from others, although not really consciously.

This is also kind of key, especially towards leadership, so I stop here for now, and will continue to decompose the patterns just unfolded.

Meanwhile, enjoy breath, and do not allow self-interested beauty to take over the practical common sense.

Also not the best to balance out beauty with simply saying ‘everyone is beautiful, or a glass of water is beautiful too’, etc – that is still compensating, eventually will create the same construct within. So better to walk through this once and for all.
And yes, beyond, after and through that, still one can express beauty, live beauty, but not in a self-limiting, craving, common sense-blinding way.

Each and every single one of us has to see to what extent should walk through the self-limiting mind patterns, this is mine, do not compare it to yours, best to be just absolutely self-honest with yourself and you can discover what is self-dishonest and thus should be stopped.

After a decade of this process, life is still not ‘easier’ but my goodness, a million times simpler as now starting to be able to KNOW myself and how to deal with points, when to apply how much effort to change a pattern, a behavior, to stop a worry, a fear, a pre-judgement, a self-limitation. Maybe someone else never had any self-dishonesty about beauty, can be(but still worth a try to check). So, that is it for now, thanks, enjoy, bye.

Day 308 – Rebuilding self

img_1001Rebuilding Self

I remember, when I was talking with Bernard, he told me that once I decompose my mind and personality, I will be able to re-create, rebuild a completely new me, according to who I want to be and become.

That seemed strange in that time, about 6-7 years ago, but already saw some potential in that.

I was at a 2 days body art – body time – self-supporting – awareness workshop weekend training and with some friends and about a dozen of new people and we had all kinds of various plays, situations, within many, we stood, walked and moved really close to each other and it was like a flock of birds. I had no thoughts or emotions, I was part of the flock, in a way I was the flock, but still had my individual presence within it. It was interesting experience. I had no fear of losing myself, neither of desire to be more.

I am reflecting back to my ‘old self’, who I was before started to decompose my mind-patterns I constitute of. That old Tala could have felt awkward, a bit anxious and uncertain, because my mind would have been overwhelmed by comparisons, judgments, definitions, associations, reactions.

Also, there were situations wherein my eyes were blindfolded and I could walk in the room and explore, meet and interact with others without words – just movement. Whenever I realized that I touch an other man’s hand – I did not feel awkward or confused, not, because I would define myself to be attracted to men, not really – but within that situation, which was completely not about sex, it was okay to just communicate with a touch – like blind and silent people probably would do. This brought up a lot of other senses, like smelling, space-awareness, gravity, body balance, and the touch itself.
I also encountered with women and in fact regardless of I could decide if the person is a woman or not, I was able to interact with no expectation or judgement. If the person decided to move along, it was alright, also if I wanted to walk away, there were no strings attached, meaning no confusion or stopping to wonder why this happened.

Who I am today is completely comfortable among strangers – regardless of how they look like or what status they are within – okay, probably if they would be threatening, I’d be in another state, but until that – and even then – I should just be normal me, comfortable and stable, open and present. This is the new self I am building, and while some of my friends do build their body literally with lifting heavy metals and consuming extra protein towards their desirable image and likeness, I am building a self first by decomposing the old one from the mind consciousness level and then figuring out what kind of re-definition of words, expressions I want to become. Even slight movements, such as how to grab a fork or make a step I often find myself slowing down within into and become aware of the very specific and detailed physical movement I take and in that moment I can try out new movements as well.
For instance since at least a decade I concluded that I’ve found a way how I am toweling my back and feet the most effective way and I used to do like that every day – well, I guess I never really cared about this, just get it done and move along to my next activity. This is just a tiny example, but even within this I can just start doing slightly differently while being empty within my mind – nothing to think about, worry about, plan for, remember back, so then I find myself being here, just toweling myself dry. Weird. Not really, but maybe a little.
It’s like when I see humanoid slave robots are gaining consciousness within various movies/TV series – all of a sudden they just stop within their movement and start wondering about what’s I am doing, well, how this feels and how I’d really like it differently.

I used to be suppressive and closing down type, and today I often approach complete strangers at public places, just to communicate, share, by a motivation, or pure curiosity – and more and more realizing that feeling awkward was of fear of judgement, fear of failure, which is again comparison, judgement.
The more judgement systems I decompose, stop participate within, the more I am present, free from these automatic patterns and beyond that there is actual freedom to explore, decide, re-create.

The human mind consciousness system has been setup in a specific way that even those apparently irrelevant personality traits are connected to deeper patterns, more subtle, sub- or unconscious mind manifestations, what first one has to open up, dig out, unveil, expose, decompose to be able to loosen up these patterns.

Forgiving myself for a self-limitation for instance and what I have accepted and allowed to became is literally stating out that I recognize my responsibility, ability and decision within creation, as creator and created as one and equal and going into specific understanding of a pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatize movements I do every day what I believed to be irrelevant, wanting those to do the most efficient way I can and get over with it while not really being aware of the physical movement itself, the touch, the feel, thus giving my mind the opportunity to focus to something else, a thought, a feeling, an emotion, a memory, a reaction, and although it seems like this is an advantage – actually I am not honestly and presently expressing myself in this moment, well, every day doing it, never being present in this movement as limited this to be always about efficiency and getting it done.

Not saying that toweling my feet should be the greatest awareness point in the universe, just recognizing the tendency to get distracted in that moment and within my mind jumping forward, imagining, thinking about something else, about the future, what I am going to do, feel, whatever.

To be present in the self-defined ‘mundane’ moments is absolutely not waste of time, but an equal opportunity with all of my other situations and actions to solidify, direct and live my presence here.

I’d suggest to do the challenge and try to take a shower without thinking about something/anything else. Be present, be the showering, not to go to future, or to past – can you do that?

I still can’t from start to end, for ten minutes – within absolute self-honesty – but working on it every day.

Also – if you would decide to try it – and you cannot – what this tells about you? Actually a lot!

First of all – you are not really in direction, but your mind deals the cards a lot of time to you and you just play with those – something comes into your mind, you react, then go there, and then here, and then another thing pops in, jack in the box jumps another story, it’s like a mini-movie going around, while you do shower, wash the body, then toweling, etc.
Of course you can feel stuff, to some extent ‘data’ feeds into your mind…

Secondly – the very points popping up can be also specific – the very points you might face worry, fear about, or desire to, excitement about – energy. Positive or negative – it’s all in a waving balance actually.

Many people LOVE thinking – to think about stuff, to stimulate, to combine, to evolve memories, data – I do not really like it anymore. It feels superficial, limited, confining. All memory-based anyway. Nothing really-really new actually. Sure, it’s variation, permutation of previous thoughts and reactions, emotions, feelings also can change, evolve due time, but in those thinking moments I am lacking full body presence awareness. That’s right. No being one with breath, no being ONE with physical, mental – it’s rather like a software running, electrifying through my brain, my spine, my limbs. Many can define that also as awesome, stimulating, like a rush, a sense of light, quick movement, feeling alive. It’s energy. Like sugar or alcohol. Basically the same. Again – separation – electricity, positive and negative. Polarizing, not unifying.

Well, this is just an approach to start discovering new ways to exist – body awareness workshops are awesome, safe places and groups to explore what is beyond the thinking mind and how awareness actually can only be experienced and expressed through and as our body presence.

And a lot of people face resistances, difficulties, blockades during these body work situations, also revealing how the mind can limit pure physical self-expression. Then the process to walk through those patterns is common sense. That is where decomposition, re-definition, re-building self also becomes relevant.

If I would have a choice, why would I want to be embarrassed by cultural imprinting while living? Why would I feel awkward, confusing while being in the presence of strangers? What programs I’ve given permission to my mind to take over and while I’d repeat the thought-feeling pattern to go my virtual happy place, while my body just does it’s job, like a robot? What movements, expressions within my living I do not like and why? Can or should I change any or all of those? Can I? Why can’t I? Why should I accept myself not being able to directly assess and change any of my behavior, especially, if something is not supporting me or others?

Re-building self is inevitable in the path of awareness, I mean who is perfect already who does not want to change anything within themselves? And even if so – is that really-really the best possible potential? How can we be so sure if we did not even try anything else to be as who we perceive ourselves to be since decades?

I stop with these questions and encourage everyone to also start writing and asking questions and giving answers too and start expanding, sharing and if seems fitting, also start changing. Enjoy!

Day 292 – Driving self-correction to breathe

img_0449I continue with decomposing the self-belief, hope and expectation, annoyance and actual fear behind these points I’ve opened up in the last post.

It’s such a journey to discover a whole existence hidden within and the more resistances, excuses and reactions I experience in relation to a point, it’s just more obvious that there is pre-conditioning, self-limitation and self-delusion I carry and automatically live out with that.

I’ve described 7 points previously, and it does not cover the whole spectrum, but I just start walking through one and see what comes up within self-honesty and correction.

“Driving the car through something I am uncertain about, while I do not feel 100% in direction”

As I drive quite some time almost every day, this is good to continue with.

It’s so obvious immediately – to slow down to the point of re-gain direction – of course there are situations wherein I should not make big speed changes all of a sudden, like in heavy traffic, because others also have to anticipate that, but why would I not slow down or go too fast into situations I do not direct with clarity and self-trust?

What it is what makes me believe that faster is better? Why feeling not good enough when moving slowly but surely? What it is what this thrill, this overwhelming excitement, anxiety I feel like getting?
What memories, reactions come up while driving what can relate to fear, failure, mistakes?

There is this perception and belief that the more fast and agile I drive, the better I am, the more respectable, professional, serious I might seem, which I desire and at the same time I work on the skills to ‘get there’, but in the meantime I can go into this mind-game of ‘wanting to feel’ that way.
Also often I encounter with other drivers who tend to rush through traffic. This can also have an influence on me, like ‘picking up their pace’.

Actually it’s not always a great tactic, especially if I observe taxi drivers on how they move through the city. People often rush – accelerate hard, and then, what a surprise: break hard too at the next red light. Unless I really-really, almost insanely blaze/storm on the road, well, put it frankly: aggressively, most of the time I do not get to my destination really sooner. It might ‘FEELS’ like, but actually, it’s about 2-4 minutes mostly, which is negligible on an hour drive and for that to risk, to annoy, to ‘work that hard’ is highly illogical.
It’s also supporting to apply self-forgiveness on this point to take responsibility and substantiate the decision to admit that it is self-dishonesty to rush but rather to plan ahead and be more smart and aware of the traffic system is actually more effective, thus it’s time to stop this influence of thrill and energetic charge.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the more fast I can maintain car control, safety and agility, the more I am valuable, professional, serious, respectable and thus making it conditioned how I feel about myself and also to project this idea to what others might think of me or how they would judge me if I would act in relation to this judgement polarity dimension of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ and not realizing that it’s all just self-conviction and preoccupation in the mind with thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the moment I go into mind-games with what I feel based on definitions and opinions, how others might judge and feel about me – the very moment I start to participate in this, I am abandoning self-direction here, giving up presence which is actually the key to be able to be directive, effective, responsible, thus I realize that I have to stop fantasizing and start planning, deciding and working on points I want to become, represent, express and live here for instance: develop planning and driving skills and stop doubting myself and wanting to overcome by that with extra speed.

I forgive myself that I have not admitted that I’ve defined that it’s good if others would judge me as positive, valuable, respectable, because that would give me power by allowing my self-definition to be believed based on what others think/say about me and to define who I am and how I am according to that, meanwhile not admitting that this only can happen as if I am not aware of who I really am and what it is what value I represent here.

I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself to acknowledge the fact that I accepted myself not to be respected, trusted and this acceptance have been accumulated by the days, months, years and along the path I’ve identified myself as this acceptance of actually giving up on myself and wanting to compensate to at least ‘feel’ that way, and not realizing that the very action to participate, re-generate and experience such feeling is a wasted effort and that also could have been directed into actual expression, and real and physical change if I would not have given up on myself and not even realizing this giving up, because that would also open up a lot of another reactions and points to deal with, what I’ve defined I can’t deal with, don’t want to face, afraid to acknowledge too.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define that it’s overwhelming and unbearable to see how many self-dishonesty points I’ve allowed, manifested and became along the way in this existence and not wanting to see, because of the belief and fear that I would feel really shocked, wrecked, ruined and within that fear I do not realize that I enslave myself and have been exactly manifested that by accepting self-limitation and fear, therefore I have to expose all my resistances, suppressions and lies and give up everything I fear losing by the realization and embracing of all the hurt, pain I wanted to evade by not being honest with myself and at the same time with this active process of revealing action, also to keep focusing and disciplining myself to remain here, empty headed, directive and push through all of this one breath at a time.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that suppression of energy, emotions and fear is not going to last and everything I do not want to see and experience is still here, in and as the physical body, which is awareness, but if I am not aware of IT, then that means I am not really aware of myself, therefore what I am aware of is not me, not real, it’s a facade, a delusion, which then I can realize and let go of with writing down the patterns, the relationships, the words to see everything in front of me without going into reactions, judgements, thought-chains get distracted by and overwhelmed with.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that if others see that I slow down with the car when I would feel more safe and appropriate, for instance the one coming behind me, then they would think that I am a rookie, a weak, a fool and in these cases rather focusing to my speed, and to avoid the other’s judgement, which is completely imagined, as I can’t hear, can’t listen what the other think behind me and even if they would think such thing, that’s them, and my responsibility is within my presence, with my car to maintain responsible and effective driving with my utmost potential I can live.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is the exact same point when I start to judge someone in front of me who goes slower than me and start judging them without being aware of all the factors manifesting the actual speed of that car, and me going into judgement or to avert my judgement into a more accepted way, to imagine and have reasons why the other is slower, but still judge them in a way that I would think it’s not offensive and reactive, but within self-honesty it’s still judgement, based on the fact that I lost my presence in that moment when going into separation, reaction, judgement, what is at it’s core is fear, what I do not want to see, understand, realize.

I forgive myself that I have not realized, named, worded the exact fear I experience when I feel, automatically being self-defined that I am blocked, slowed down, limited with the one in front of me in the traffic, which can be the fear of ‘losing or wasting time’, the unstoppable automatic judgement of ‘going too slow with this great car, frustrating, because I justify it with all the money/effort I’ve invested into this car/ability to go faster, but at this moment I can’t’, so in this moment I go into blame, projection, because I am accepted myself to being defined by how fast I can go, because without it I would not feel myself to be who I perceive myself to be, thus it’s a ‘micro-identity-crisis’, which is annoying, what I do not want to face, realize, also, because I never stood up to this point before.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is the same point played out to two directions, when I judge somebody going slower than I would want to go and also when I would think I am the one making somebody slower, so then they would think and feel similarly as I feel when I follow someone I’d judge as too slow, and that’s why wanting to avoid to go slowly and wanting to go fast, faster to not get into the situation of being judged to be too slow by myself of by others, but in fact eventually always being self-defined by myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the situation of someone going slower in front of me would or should define how I feel and thus who I am instead of realizing that I decide who I am and if I am actually accepting self-automation to decide how I feel according to situations and others, then in fact I am the responsible how I feel, be and express myself, therefore it’s common sense to decompose and stop the patterns of self-definitions step by step until I am simply here within direction.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that on public roads it’s not about who can go faster or more agile, responsive, but it’s about what’s best for all participants, such as first safety and then effectiveness and also to accept that there are people who don’t care, who has no such dedication to drive great or they are under pressure, illness, age and many factors and even if I would believe, think, judge that ‘then they should not drive’ – at this moment they do, so we have to deal with it, thus this is from where we have to support the best outcome, and to get reactive is definitely not that, therefore recognizing the self-empowerment here to keep my presence, cool and direction consistent, that is my first responsibility, by which I can support actively the best outcome for all here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that how others judge me is not who I am, and if someone would feel that I make them going slower than they would like to/could go, then that’s their point of responsibility to be aware of and not get possessed by to the point of losing direction, safety and awareness, especially with the self-recognition here of that I do not want others to be blocked, slowed down deliberately, so I recognize the point of I should and have to trust myself completely and to recognize and let go everything what blocks me within that.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that breath within driving is equally important as within everything else, therefore I commit myself to keep myself being aware of the breath here and direct myself as driving through and as the living expression of breathing, meaning I do not put thoughts, emotions between the driving and myself, thus I am more connected and become presence here.

img_0292When and as I see, sense, feel, define that someone is at my tail really close while driving I recognize the tendency that I can go into annoyance, worry or doubt, which I prevent myself going into by breathing here and focusing to maintain presence, direction and driving responsibly and to see if I can support the other to give space and opportunity to go faster by also considering the ones in front of/near to me if there are.

When and as I feel like I am being slowed down by someone in front of me, I recognize the tendency to react and go into annoyance, frustration and limitation and I breathe and I realize that actually it does not matter why this is happening, does not matter who is the person in front of me, but what matters is to remain calm, directive, effective, responsible and meanwhile to see if I can take over within safety and if not 110% sure, meaning even if something would happen what not being anticipated, still would come out within safety, and still I can foresee the taking over being able to be done, then I do so, otherwise, I relax, remain aware of the others, the road and look for better opportunity.

When and as I feel like a tension building up within me because of the cars behind me or the cars in front of me, I let everything of my mind go, I breathe within presence, I maintain direction, effective responsibility and assess the situation to see what could be better if possible and if not, then still be present and to realize that I only go into reactions if I believe those are real and I give up breathing, which means I give into the fear, which means I have to investigate, write down and forgive the point specifically and to re-align to breathing, allow the inbreath and holding, outbreath and holding to be natural, not forced.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I believe that I have to be always better on the road ‘against’ others, that means I am not satisfied with myself, regardless of anyone, anything outside of me, because it’s about my own relationship with me, within me, as me, thus the friction created within should be named, worded, investigated as I am split within, one part judging another, polarity, fear, and it’s highly ineffective, as at the moment I judge, I became observer, from participant, and that creates a lag, a latency, an extra ‘layer’/’dimension’.

When and as I feel that I go too fast with the car and I am not fully being certain that I direct the car within safety and effectiveness, then I stop reacting to this with the thrilling experience, I firmly and safely slow down, pull my foot from the throttle, I apply break if necessary or I shift down to use the engine break to the point of being certain that I can drive safely and effectively and in case of emergency break or outmanoeuvring, I can execute it within calm, effective manner.

When and as I feel resisting to slow down, to leave ‘space’ in front of the car I follow, but it is the common sense according to safety, then I breathe, in and out, I trust myself and I push through this resistance as recognizing, safety is first and become aware of how I would ‘feel’ if someone would tailgate me, and even to realize that maybe the person could become reactive, then lose presence, then causing more chance to make mistakes and cause accident, which then I am also responsible too.

When and as I would worry if I would give too much space in front of me while following another car for safety reasons that another car from another lane would go in there, thus taking me over, as I am already aware of this: it is completely alright and I can let my foot off from the throttle for a moment to again create the minimal following distance for safety without any reaction/thought.

When and as I go in the most inner lane on the highway and see that the car in front of me does not go fast enough for the speed I want to proceed with, he/she does not give the lane to me and the lane at it’s right is free for him/her to move away to give me opportunity to proceed, I do not react, I do breathe, I remain directive and look for options what is common sense and prevent myself going into annoyance and if I feel adequate, I use the lights to make the another aware the driving rules of ‘inner lane is only for taking over’ – without tailgating, without compromising the minimum safe distance. And if the other still disregards me and my obvious request, I still remain directive, calm and present and look for another opportunities. I recognize that it is key to always keep presence and direction and in the moment of I would ‘leave’ that, to leave ‘breath’, it is my utmost responsibility to re-align myself to be present, aware of the breath, the act of breathing without defining it and allowing a space within to trust myself as one and equal with what’s here, even if it means to give up my want to go faster.

When and as I believe that I can use tailgating in any way whatsoever to make the other feel that they should move away from ahead of me and give the lane to me, I realize that this is only a belief and not always common sense and rather to give signs with light than go too close or to reconsider my want to go faster is adequate or to change lane myself if that would give a better opportunity to safely go faster in another way.
Well, this looks like crazy detailing, why to write down such things, but one thing is certain – writing is power – and if this helps with changing, substantiating situational ‘screenwriting’, why not to apply it? It’s free, and in a way it’s a previsualization, a creative imagining for the next episode of my life, a considerate planning, while I am present, directive and responsible. Words are the bulding blocks of our reality, thus it’s actually great to decompose any limiting or abusing brick-walls and to build structure for actual support within self-honesty by also considering others equally too.

Just to ensure not to limit myself with the self-directive statements, not to accumulate self-interest, but rather to support change, stopping to follow polarity-based, reactional, self-dishonest, self-limiting patterns, thoughts, feelings, emotions.

I drive every day, spending hours within traffic and as I move out from and into the center of the capital city, I encounter a lot of driving situations and it is crucial to be prepared, directive and responsible, thus it’s absolutely worthy to consider these points and to recognize if there is a pattern what requires to be re-written within me and my behaviour, then this technique is literally can assist with that.

Also I recognize that I drive a better car than average on the road in terms of agility and power and that also can support judgement, separation and even a feel of superiority, what must be recognized and let go.
Especially by considering that even if my car is quite safe, capable and powerful, there will always will be cars that are much less ‘great’ and probably much more great too in those three dimensions(safety, capability, power), thus if I judge something as ‘less than’, then I also will fall into the comparison to the another direction of this polarity game in the mind of ‘better than’, and then I allow these factors to influence, define, direct me.

This means, to consider the another car could be less safe than my car, therefore to avoid collision more responsively, or the another car also could be less capable or powerful, thus this can support to understand why the other is not driving that effectively, fast – and with this, also not to project out expectation towards cars and drivers to the other direction – such as if seeing a sportscar behind me, to believe that he/she is now being annoyed by me as not going super fast all the time just by these definitions, associations, reactions.
Of course, still notice, acknowledge, assess these informations, but not be the slave of it. This is pretty obvious, common sense at 99.99% of the cases, but also apply it at the cases when it’s more challenging.

Annoyance seems like acceptable if it feels like being triggered by someone or something else, but it is to recognize, it’s still me, only me, about me and if I believe that the person/situation is responsible for me to be annoyed/angry/reactive/emotionally compromising, then I keep projecting and I actually disempower myself from to see and do what I could in order to change myself/the situation to prevent such limitation and well, quite uncomfortable experience.

This means to always be able to question and answer – what I can do about this, what I can do for more safety and effectiveness?

This is where breath is assistance also – the more I am aware of the breath, the more I can be aware of the mind, it’s patterns too, then I can realize more or deeper self-dishonesty, how I participate in that, so then to see when, how and why I actually ‘go into’ at what trigger point and what is the consequence of it, and then I simply realize before repeating the pattern – I stop and change.

And the less mind patterns I chase in my head, the more I am undisturbed from being here, breathing presence, action into reality and then thus also understand more, trust myself more – so it’s apparently two sides of what I can do, but it’s actually the same.

Re-align to be present and also to recognize and decompose the patterns what is in the way to be here in and as the breathing flesh, as my human physical body.

This can be a way to support self and awareness, change and direction with writing.
Write yourself to freedom!

How to do that? Here is a free online course: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 279 – Finding Courage in Change

cour1Continuing on the Self-suppression investigation-correction.

Directly bringing into the perspective the word and it’s associations: courage.

It’s courage to break through the limitation, the web of self-conviction, halo of justifications and excuses about why I should not move, express and live in regarding to the specific situation I programmed myself to suppress.

It’s courage to find out and explore what is self-honest and how to express it through and as saying and expressing, becoming and living words.

It’s courage to re-define the relationships which through I find meaning and purpose, reason and drive, logic and passion, determination and stance, motivation and direction.

It’s courage to break through the fear of making mistakes, fear of loss, fear of consequence, fear of fear itself, shortly: fear of self. Especially the unknown, which is the most scariest, because I do not know what I am going to do, feel, become, thus rendering any and all knowledge useless and directly experience who I really am in and as here without way out, no past to rely to, no future to project into, but really real, in and as the physical presence, consistently, always, unconditionally.

This is not something I desire for or want to be special with, not even I need to choose, it’s what’s practical common sense to re-align and re-birth with the physical application of the courage to take responsibility for all what is here in and as myself without self-definition, without self-limitation, no polarity.
In terms of the previous posts of suppression and conflict avoidance, the courage I commit myself to live is to not fear from testing out and expressing my speaking up towards others the things I justified not to tell;

I commit myself to not worry from losing someone or something and based on that not to tell when I see it’s the most honest and direct way to establish integrity and self-honesty within myself in regarding to someone, who I defined as one who I should not tell what I feel/see/think and within that to realize that I do not need to suppress feelings or emotions, rather than to see what is the reason, the source, the fear, the self-defined separation/polarity self-definition within and behind it and by that to let go and forgive that I have allowed and accepted this to define what to do and not to do, who I should feel and to be in order to avoid to experience that fear which I also defined that it could change me if could not stop and to realize that I lose much more if I give into this fear than when letting it go, because I am always the strongest at my weakest point, herein this condition, this mind-state, this relationship I am enslaved by in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to purify and let go definitions of what I should do or should not do according to any worry or fear of consequence, losing something or somebody, especially to lose something in my mind as relationship based on the self-interest applied as not speaking up in order to avoid conflict, avoid being opposed, avoid challenged to make my stance within my decision and within that the opportunity to being wrong and then needing to admit and correct it accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to always ensure that I stand firm in relation to my mind, my personal feelings, emotions and desires, resistances and fears and reminding myself that accumulation what brought me here, and whatever is limiting, frustrating also can and should be decomposed with further writing, opening up, self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements and action.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense to purify the word COURAGE to let go polarity and self-interest-based definitions, associations, emotional and feeling reactions in order to be able to see my relationship with this word and to be able to re-define it according to self-honesty and the principle of what is best for all participants here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it’s easy to go into the mind to overwhelm it by start thinking about the term ‘what is best for all’ and within that to come up and accept justifications and excuses why not change myself to be able to act according to that.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that by being occupied and narrowminded with the obsession of ‘wanting to have and prove and create’ courage – I am limiting myself because I only see what I want to see and the strive to live the word by a definition which is not self-honest, because it relies to external conditions, such as ‘to create/have/prove courage, I should and must do this and that’ – instead of directly live the word courage in each moment in relation to myself and existence here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve defined the word courage as something heroic, extraordinary, which requires huge amount of effort and sacrifice, diligence and discipline, which I do never have for too long, therefore allowed to twist the definition of courage based on memories, personality definitions and conditions, energetic experiences, which are in fact not really supporting me in any moment and thus it’s not real courage, only self-created delusion, thus I stop participate and let it go completely.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the courage is to live within self honesty in each moment equally, regardless of any internal or external condition and not to accept anything less that who I can be within absolute self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not seen/realized/understood that to go energetic experiences, obsessions, desires wherein I am limiting my interest to the things I want or resist is the opposite of courage, but an escape into self-delusion, thus I commit myself to stop chasing experiences and be honest of my actual and common sensical needs in order to live and expand within self-growth and awareness, responsibility.

What points I take responsibility by stopping suppression and starting to live actual courage to change and re-define living?

The tendency to get obsessed with material things, such as money, electronic gear, car, clothes and/or attraction/desire for woman/sex and also the need for being accepted, liked, supported, respected, being attracted to.

Recently I was opening up to ‘go out’ and get what I want, such as social life, partnering up, buying things and it was cool, actually took courage to step out from the suppression and simply ‘try to live’.
This is in fact quite usual human ‘occupation’, but if my starting point is of self-interest, it’s my responsibility to change it – myself.

Walking Desteni I Process course since a while really supports me to stop the doubt, the thinking, and get into action and accumulate self-trust, but it’s also equally crucial to continue walking this self-change, because I do see that I am still not 100% present, self-honest and empty, never-driven by energetic experiences, so I continue writing this blog, doing the online course and accumulate understanding and change.

Suppression is big part of the problem here, as I do suppress not only emotional reactions, but also actual needs for support, expression, care and to the point of so much accumulated energy I feel in the mind to discharge somehow, that within that state I am not really aware of what would be actual self-expression and what is complete obsession to some energetic addiction to feed.

Within these cases then the justification can come up to go into it, engage and then will see, what’s this is about and then wanting to stop once understanding that this is of self-dishonesty and all the way not realizing the fact that by the very starting point of suppression I am sabotaging my self-trust, self-integrity and self-honesty, thus until I am not standing here undefined, empty and unwaveringly present here, I should not trust any of these desires, energetic experiences as something I should follow/feed/react to.

That’s it for now, will continue on self-correction.

Day 273 – Presence as substantiating Awareness

Expanding on Presence. Process of bringing myself to Presence.DSC_0391

If I have this thought/emotion coming up within me and influencing me, moving me, then I am actually compromising my presence here, because I allow some systems within me, what I have accepted and allowed and gave permission to automatically active and come into the context of my self-expression. And I find the best practical way is to find out these automatic processes is to write down the words I contain and as I explore the relationships I exist within according to these words, I can reveal the creation of my own personality, because it’s really practical and common sensical to take my power back so to speak and stop blaming outside of me, but take responsibility for the creation I represent here…”

Continuing to talk about this within this video linked here.

 

Study Self at Free Online Course at http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Great lectures about Living at http://schoolofultimateliving.com

Supportive audiobooks at http://eqafe.com

Journey to Life blogs at https://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Find me on Facebook at
https://www.facebook.com/talamonlife

Enjoy Breath and dare to investigate all things within self-honesty and keep which is best.

Day 272 – Why Presence?

DSC_0398Presence

Something I always tried to push myself into, or explode myself out to and eventually realizing that it is something what only can be accumulated with stable, constant and consistent self-direction here, in and as the physical.

By releasing the delusions of perception of superiority of consciousness and the self-righteousness of trusting and listening to, following and being subjected to thoughts, I start to see the energy in my mind, which animates me, what defines me, what has this false purpose and reasoning, which can be decomposed, understood, realized and purified from my living with actual presence here.

The expression of ‘who I am is what is here’ is more profound than most of the humans can conceive and the actual truth is hidden in plain sight as all the things I do not know is also here, right in front of my eyes, but when I am constantly busy, distracted and completely occupied with the self-induced, self-accepted judgments, reactions and energetic experiences, then I am not able to grasp how my mind actually works.

The surprise is that the more I am actually giving up from the personality, self-definitions, the obligation to participate within thoughts, feelings and emotions, the more present and free I can become.

Then I am less automatic, which might seem as more uncomfortable, because it means I have to be present and really aware at the situations, moments, experiences and actions what I previously defined as mundane, avoidable, uncomfortable or even horrible – and that self-protection, what actually turned out to become completely justified self-interest, regardless of how I labelled it.

Especially imperative to realize that the actual self-abdication I’ve participated within during ‘abandoning’ my direct presence within those self-labelled mundane/avoidable/uncomfortable/horrible situations and experiences did not really liberate me from all the energetic reactions of my self-acceptance and actual suppression of standing up to what is not good, but only supported the evolution of the mind and the religion of self, within which I deliberately perfected the self-delusion about how things are and what is really going on and actually why.

The very idea of seeking the truth and finding answers is the actual and obvious reflection of how truly and vastly lost we can be within our mind consciousness experiences, thus the re-definition and re-alignment from consciousness to awareness is a practical common sense decision I dedicate my existence to as honouring life within myself and all equally.

I did not yet find the ‘end’ or ‘limitation’ to presence, wherein I could truly and absolutely self-honestly state out with all of my cells completely unified expressing that: I am HERE.

The more I stop the participation within the pattern of my mind, the less I am occupied with distractions and reactions ‘making me’ short-sighted within self-realization, thus the recognition and decomposition of my existing relationships with all the words I react to, use and express is the best practical way to start accumulating practical understanding of who I am.

It’s a fascinating process and the more I empty my mind, the more I can embrace of what is going on here, within myself, within my body and around me as well. The less I participate and react to thoughts, the more I can discover about things as how they are without my preconceived judgments.

Not to judge, not to self-define with what I see, realize and understand, but keep decomposing, releasing and forgiving for what I have accepted and allowed and keep exploring and expressing and unifying myself with this physical presence in and as my human body as the expression of life as equal as one without judgement, without desire and without fear, but to directly live, share and express.

Every day I discover something new, just within my human physical body, how the blood flows through my veins, feeling the breath, at nostrils, the sound of it, the muscles, feel of the gravity, the weight, the air on my skin, it’s a vast array of impression here in every moment, which can be so easily dismissed while becoming angry at something(which is in fact always of myself for something actually) or becoming obsessed with what I want or not want, meanwhile not realizing that I only move within limited patterns, determined and suggested by my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

To give up thinking people might believe I mean ‘critical thinking’ or ‘common sense’, which I certainly not, but rather to stop listening to the inner conversations, the backchat, which is just to justify something self-interested and then to react to it with positive or negative energetic reactions, to use the thoughts to process and conclude things, based on my past judgments and get boosted up, convinced or completely disturbed by something which is absolutely imaginary.

Yet, many people can recognize and imagine the advantages to be able to just turn off thoughts when becoming annoying or distracting, or even for someone to stop the really creepy and dreadful thoughts entering their minds – and also within many profession or sport: – it’s really important to be able to turn thoughts off, for instance while driving a sport car or just enjoying sex – no thoughts is required and if I allow them to just pop up constantly, I might get into trouble about my driving or the actual enjoyment and pleasing of my partner…

Emotions and feelings to give up might seem as a bigger chunk, especially for those, who cannot imagine life without emotions, because they believe that is required to really enjoy and become passionate about, however within investigating the mind, self and consciousness, these are also limited forms of experiences and are tainted with energy of the mind, which is like a liquid separation from directly experiencing and living the words themselves as self here and rather relying on definitions, polarity and self-interest.

Instead of feeling love, I redefine love as something to be expressed and shared.
Instead of feeling joy, I redefine enjoyment as something to be express and experienced with direct participation.

Instead of being angry, I redefine anger as something what I feel obliged to be separated from based on the perception of not being good for me, thus showing me what I should investigate, fully understand and to see if I am really self-honest about this and if concluding that it’s really not good, then to take responsibility for find practical solution to stop it or prevent it – for instance if I am angry for corporations what pollute the oceans then to actually research and find out what would matter to do something, as my anger as emotion is not supporting and rather making me less powerful, because I keep accepting the thing and internalizing instead of start doing something.

And so on, the relationships to words can determine how I perceive, experience and express myself.

That’s why self-forgiveness is a really powerful tool, to become aware of what I have already accepted and now taking responsibility for not only understanding, but figuring out what would actually be practical solution to prevent myself participating within next time or start applying solutions for the problems already manifested.

In my next post I will share an audio recording continuing sharing some points about the┬átopic of ‘Presence’…

DESTENI I PROCESS ONLINE SELF-SUPPORT COURSE

Re-defining words support from School of Ultimate Living