I continue with decomposing the self-belief, hope and expectation, annoyance and actual fear behind these points I’ve opened up in the last post.
It’s such a journey to discover a whole existence hidden within and the more resistances, excuses and reactions I experience in relation to a point, it’s just more obvious that there is pre-conditioning, self-limitation and self-delusion I carry and automatically live out with that.
I’ve described 7 points previously, and it does not cover the whole spectrum, but I just start walking through one and see what comes up within self-honesty and correction.
“Driving the car through something I am uncertain about, while I do not feel 100% in direction”
As I drive quite some time almost every day, this is good to continue with.
It’s so obvious immediately – to slow down to the point of re-gain direction – of course there are situations wherein I should not make big speed changes all of a sudden, like in heavy traffic, because others also have to anticipate that, but why would I not slow down or go too fast into situations I do not direct with clarity and self-trust?
What it is what makes me believe that faster is better? Why feeling not good enough when moving slowly but surely? What it is what this thrill, this overwhelming excitement, anxiety I feel like getting?
What memories, reactions come up while driving what can relate to fear, failure, mistakes?
There is this perception and belief that the more fast and agile I drive, the better I am, the more respectable, professional, serious I might seem, which I desire and at the same time I work on the skills to ‘get there’, but in the meantime I can go into this mind-game of ‘wanting to feel’ that way.
Also often I encounter with other drivers who tend to rush through traffic. This can also have an influence on me, like ‘picking up their pace’.
Actually it’s not always a great tactic, especially if I observe taxi drivers on how they move through the city. People often rush – accelerate hard, and then, what a surprise: break hard too at the next red light. Unless I really-really, almost insanely blaze/storm on the road, well, put it frankly: aggressively, most of the time I do not get to my destination really sooner. It might ‘FEELS’ like, but actually, it’s about 2-4 minutes mostly, which is negligible on an hour drive and for that to risk, to annoy, to ‘work that hard’ is highly illogical.
It’s also supporting to apply self-forgiveness on this point to take responsibility and substantiate the decision to admit that it is self-dishonesty to rush but rather to plan ahead and be more smart and aware of the traffic system is actually more effective, thus it’s time to stop this influence of thrill and energetic charge.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the more fast I can maintain car control, safety and agility, the more I am valuable, professional, serious, respectable and thus making it conditioned how I feel about myself and also to project this idea to what others might think of me or how they would judge me if I would act in relation to this judgement polarity dimension of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ and not realizing that it’s all just self-conviction and preoccupation in the mind with thoughts/feelings/emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the moment I go into mind-games with what I feel based on definitions and opinions, how others might judge and feel about me – the very moment I start to participate in this, I am abandoning self-direction here, giving up presence which is actually the key to be able to be directive, effective, responsible, thus I realize that I have to stop fantasizing and start planning, deciding and working on points I want to become, represent, express and live here for instance: develop planning and driving skills and stop doubting myself and wanting to overcome by that with extra speed.
I forgive myself that I have not admitted that I’ve defined that it’s good if others would judge me as positive, valuable, respectable, because that would give me power by allowing my self-definition to be believed based on what others think/say about me and to define who I am and how I am according to that, meanwhile not admitting that this only can happen as if I am not aware of who I really am and what it is what value I represent here.
I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself to acknowledge the fact that I accepted myself not to be respected, trusted and this acceptance have been accumulated by the days, months, years and along the path I’ve identified myself as this acceptance of actually giving up on myself and wanting to compensate to at least ‘feel’ that way, and not realizing that the very action to participate, re-generate and experience such feeling is a wasted effort and that also could have been directed into actual expression, and real and physical change if I would not have given up on myself and not even realizing this giving up, because that would also open up a lot of another reactions and points to deal with, what I’ve defined I can’t deal with, don’t want to face, afraid to acknowledge too.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define that it’s overwhelming and unbearable to see how many self-dishonesty points I’ve allowed, manifested and became along the way in this existence and not wanting to see, because of the belief and fear that I would feel really shocked, wrecked, ruined and within that fear I do not realize that I enslave myself and have been exactly manifested that by accepting self-limitation and fear, therefore I have to expose all my resistances, suppressions and lies and give up everything I fear losing by the realization and embracing of all the hurt, pain I wanted to evade by not being honest with myself and at the same time with this active process of revealing action, also to keep focusing and disciplining myself to remain here, empty headed, directive and push through all of this one breath at a time.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that suppression of energy, emotions and fear is not going to last and everything I do not want to see and experience is still here, in and as the physical body, which is awareness, but if I am not aware of IT, then that means I am not really aware of myself, therefore what I am aware of is not me, not real, it’s a facade, a delusion, which then I can realize and let go of with writing down the patterns, the relationships, the words to see everything in front of me without going into reactions, judgements, thought-chains get distracted by and overwhelmed with.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that if others see that I slow down with the car when I would feel more safe and appropriate, for instance the one coming behind me, then they would think that I am a rookie, a weak, a fool and in these cases rather focusing to my speed, and to avoid the other’s judgement, which is completely imagined, as I can’t hear, can’t listen what the other think behind me and even if they would think such thing, that’s them, and my responsibility is within my presence, with my car to maintain responsible and effective driving with my utmost potential I can live.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is the exact same point when I start to judge someone in front of me who goes slower than me and start judging them without being aware of all the factors manifesting the actual speed of that car, and me going into judgement or to avert my judgement into a more accepted way, to imagine and have reasons why the other is slower, but still judge them in a way that I would think it’s not offensive and reactive, but within self-honesty it’s still judgement, based on the fact that I lost my presence in that moment when going into separation, reaction, judgement, what is at it’s core is fear, what I do not want to see, understand, realize.
I forgive myself that I have not realized, named, worded the exact fear I experience when I feel, automatically being self-defined that I am blocked, slowed down, limited with the one in front of me in the traffic, which can be the fear of ‘losing or wasting time’, the unstoppable automatic judgement of ‘going too slow with this great car, frustrating, because I justify it with all the money/effort I’ve invested into this car/ability to go faster, but at this moment I can’t’, so in this moment I go into blame, projection, because I am accepted myself to being defined by how fast I can go, because without it I would not feel myself to be who I perceive myself to be, thus it’s a ‘micro-identity-crisis’, which is annoying, what I do not want to face, realize, also, because I never stood up to this point before.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is the same point played out to two directions, when I judge somebody going slower than I would want to go and also when I would think I am the one making somebody slower, so then they would think and feel similarly as I feel when I follow someone I’d judge as too slow, and that’s why wanting to avoid to go slowly and wanting to go fast, faster to not get into the situation of being judged to be too slow by myself of by others, but in fact eventually always being self-defined by myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the situation of someone going slower in front of me would or should define how I feel and thus who I am instead of realizing that I decide who I am and if I am actually accepting self-automation to decide how I feel according to situations and others, then in fact I am the responsible how I feel, be and express myself, therefore it’s common sense to decompose and stop the patterns of self-definitions step by step until I am simply here within direction.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that on public roads it’s not about who can go faster or more agile, responsive, but it’s about what’s best for all participants, such as first safety and then effectiveness and also to accept that there are people who don’t care, who has no such dedication to drive great or they are under pressure, illness, age and many factors and even if I would believe, think, judge that ‘then they should not drive’ – at this moment they do, so we have to deal with it, thus this is from where we have to support the best outcome, and to get reactive is definitely not that, therefore recognizing the self-empowerment here to keep my presence, cool and direction consistent, that is my first responsibility, by which I can support actively the best outcome for all here.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that how others judge me is not who I am, and if someone would feel that I make them going slower than they would like to/could go, then that’s their point of responsibility to be aware of and not get possessed by to the point of losing direction, safety and awareness, especially with the self-recognition here of that I do not want others to be blocked, slowed down deliberately, so I recognize the point of I should and have to trust myself completely and to recognize and let go everything what blocks me within that.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that breath within driving is equally important as within everything else, therefore I commit myself to keep myself being aware of the breath here and direct myself as driving through and as the living expression of breathing, meaning I do not put thoughts, emotions between the driving and myself, thus I am more connected and become presence here.
When and as I see, sense, feel, define that someone is at my tail really close while driving I recognize the tendency that I can go into annoyance, worry or doubt, which I prevent myself going into by breathing here and focusing to maintain presence, direction and driving responsibly and to see if I can support the other to give space and opportunity to go faster by also considering the ones in front of/near to me if there are.
When and as I feel like I am being slowed down by someone in front of me, I recognize the tendency to react and go into annoyance, frustration and limitation and I breathe and I realize that actually it does not matter why this is happening, does not matter who is the person in front of me, but what matters is to remain calm, directive, effective, responsible and meanwhile to see if I can take over within safety and if not 110% sure, meaning even if something would happen what not being anticipated, still would come out within safety, and still I can foresee the taking over being able to be done, then I do so, otherwise, I relax, remain aware of the others, the road and look for better opportunity.
When and as I feel like a tension building up within me because of the cars behind me or the cars in front of me, I let everything of my mind go, I breathe within presence, I maintain direction, effective responsibility and assess the situation to see what could be better if possible and if not, then still be present and to realize that I only go into reactions if I believe those are real and I give up breathing, which means I give into the fear, which means I have to investigate, write down and forgive the point specifically and to re-align to breathing, allow the inbreath and holding, outbreath and holding to be natural, not forced.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I believe that I have to be always better on the road ‘against’ others, that means I am not satisfied with myself, regardless of anyone, anything outside of me, because it’s about my own relationship with me, within me, as me, thus the friction created within should be named, worded, investigated as I am split within, one part judging another, polarity, fear, and it’s highly ineffective, as at the moment I judge, I became observer, from participant, and that creates a lag, a latency, an extra ‘layer’/’dimension’.
When and as I feel that I go too fast with the car and I am not fully being certain that I direct the car within safety and effectiveness, then I stop reacting to this with the thrilling experience, I firmly and safely slow down, pull my foot from the throttle, I apply break if necessary or I shift down to use the engine break to the point of being certain that I can drive safely and effectively and in case of emergency break or outmanoeuvring, I can execute it within calm, effective manner.
When and as I feel resisting to slow down, to leave ‘space’ in front of the car I follow, but it is the common sense according to safety, then I breathe, in and out, I trust myself and I push through this resistance as recognizing, safety is first and become aware of how I would ‘feel’ if someone would tailgate me, and even to realize that maybe the person could become reactive, then lose presence, then causing more chance to make mistakes and cause accident, which then I am also responsible too.
When and as I would worry if I would give too much space in front of me while following another car for safety reasons that another car from another lane would go in there, thus taking me over, as I am already aware of this: it is completely alright and I can let my foot off from the throttle for a moment to again create the minimal following distance for safety without any reaction/thought.
When and as I go in the most inner lane on the highway and see that the car in front of me does not go fast enough for the speed I want to proceed with, he/she does not give the lane to me and the lane at it’s right is free for him/her to move away to give me opportunity to proceed, I do not react, I do breathe, I remain directive and look for options what is common sense and prevent myself going into annoyance and if I feel adequate, I use the lights to make the another aware the driving rules of ‘inner lane is only for taking over’ – without tailgating, without compromising the minimum safe distance. And if the other still disregards me and my obvious request, I still remain directive, calm and present and look for another opportunities. I recognize that it is key to always keep presence and direction and in the moment of I would ‘leave’ that, to leave ‘breath’, it is my utmost responsibility to re-align myself to be present, aware of the breath, the act of breathing without defining it and allowing a space within to trust myself as one and equal with what’s here, even if it means to give up my want to go faster.
When and as I believe that I can use tailgating in any way whatsoever to make the other feel that they should move away from ahead of me and give the lane to me, I realize that this is only a belief and not always common sense and rather to give signs with light than go too close or to reconsider my want to go faster is adequate or to change lane myself if that would give a better opportunity to safely go faster in another way.
Well, this looks like crazy detailing, why to write down such things, but one thing is certain – writing is power – and if this helps with changing, substantiating situational ‘screenwriting’, why not to apply it? It’s free, and in a way it’s a previsualization, a creative imagining for the next episode of my life, a considerate planning, while I am present, directive and responsible. Words are the bulding blocks of our reality, thus it’s actually great to decompose any limiting or abusing brick-walls and to build structure for actual support within self-honesty by also considering others equally too.
Just to ensure not to limit myself with the self-directive statements, not to accumulate self-interest, but rather to support change, stopping to follow polarity-based, reactional, self-dishonest, self-limiting patterns, thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I drive every day, spending hours within traffic and as I move out from and into the center of the capital city, I encounter a lot of driving situations and it is crucial to be prepared, directive and responsible, thus it’s absolutely worthy to consider these points and to recognize if there is a pattern what requires to be re-written within me and my behaviour, then this technique is literally can assist with that.
Also I recognize that I drive a better car than average on the road in terms of agility and power and that also can support judgement, separation and even a feel of superiority, what must be recognized and let go.
Especially by considering that even if my car is quite safe, capable and powerful, there will always will be cars that are much less ‘great’ and probably much more great too in those three dimensions(safety, capability, power), thus if I judge something as ‘less than’, then I also will fall into the comparison to the another direction of this polarity game in the mind of ‘better than’, and then I allow these factors to influence, define, direct me.
This means, to consider the another car could be less safe than my car, therefore to avoid collision more responsively, or the another car also could be less capable or powerful, thus this can support to understand why the other is not driving that effectively, fast – and with this, also not to project out expectation towards cars and drivers to the other direction – such as if seeing a sportscar behind me, to believe that he/she is now being annoyed by me as not going super fast all the time just by these definitions, associations, reactions.
Of course, still notice, acknowledge, assess these informations, but not be the slave of it. This is pretty obvious, common sense at 99.99% of the cases, but also apply it at the cases when it’s more challenging.
Annoyance seems like acceptable if it feels like being triggered by someone or something else, but it is to recognize, it’s still me, only me, about me and if I believe that the person/situation is responsible for me to be annoyed/angry/reactive/emotionally compromising, then I keep projecting and I actually disempower myself from to see and do what I could in order to change myself/the situation to prevent such limitation and well, quite uncomfortable experience.
This means to always be able to question and answer – what I can do about this, what I can do for more safety and effectiveness?
This is where breath is assistance also – the more I am aware of the breath, the more I can be aware of the mind, it’s patterns too, then I can realize more or deeper self-dishonesty, how I participate in that, so then to see when, how and why I actually ‘go into’ at what trigger point and what is the consequence of it, and then I simply realize before repeating the pattern – I stop and change.
And the less mind patterns I chase in my head, the more I am undisturbed from being here, breathing presence, action into reality and then thus also understand more, trust myself more – so it’s apparently two sides of what I can do, but it’s actually the same.
Re-align to be present and also to recognize and decompose the patterns what is in the way to be here in and as the breathing flesh, as my human physical body.
This can be a way to support self and awareness, change and direction with writing.
Write yourself to freedom!
How to do that? Here is a free online course: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com