Day 373 – Waking up resistance and Process

P1010834Waking up as Breath as me, Moment as Me and Process overall

I started to support self-realization with Desteni tools and courses, self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-corrective statements some years ago and it’s literally the holy grail of those who really want to awake.

It is the kind of thing what can’t be explained, because until one does not really-really(honestly) try and live these tools(which are structured way to get to know and debunk our own mind, words and limitations), then it does not seem that special.

It’s literally the most direct way to develop throughout understanding and self-empowerment to be able to finetune, correct and evolve our ability to learn, really feel and become much more effective, because it operates on the mind’s building blocks level, which are words.

No mystical, or belief-related point is in this – but simply learning the ability to question and answer to myself – absolute honesty, open and direct communication with me, my potentials, strengths and even weaknesses.

This is obviously the greatest aspect of life for me, because before applying these understandings, principles and realizations, tools and structured supporting courses and activites, I was literally lost between fear and hope, I was suppressing emotions, was addicted to various things to do, could not admit my responsibilities, the things I resisted to accept in reality and the not real things I kept chasing.

I am really grateful and this is really a pride point in my existence, not that I am proud of myself, but definitely proud to the principle of living in or changing towards Self-honesty, when being witness or part of people realizing and sharing their process of becoming aware of self-dishonesty and the daily commitment, forgiveness and living to change.

I am not proud of myself in particular, but it’s also part of the picture that I used to be – still sometimes but way less – really tough and judgemental about how I perceive and react to my mistakes and weaknesses.

That the practicality is that when I see a mistake I made, instead of judging, mentally and emotionally punishing, abusing myself, whipping up with harsh thoughts to the state of frustration and shame – that’s something I am really releasing these days by the support of Desteni tools, online courses and great community.

As if I do something stupid or dumb, which obviously does not support me, that the solution is not to fight myself, but to slow down, open up and understand – yet not to become too soft or unfocused – its really an art and only comes with consistent work and practical application.

The fact is that writing this blog, walking the Desteni I Process online courses is just a glimpse of the effort people do in Desteni community, because all of these are preparations to real time change.

That is something one can not guarantee and only comes with dedication and effort.

Everyone has their own strenghts and weaknesses, someone can easily stop smoking for instance or drive a car in any situation, while someone other can really struggle with finding a job to earn enough or to not to fall into a relationship what is not mutually supportive.

So, everyone has their own challenges, but as spending a decade decomposing my mind and consciousness to really understand who I am and how I am created, it is obvious that everyone walks the same process.
Maybe the words, the feelings, the pictures and sounds are different in their life, but the same mind mirror consciousness system is with everyone to show what we have accepted and allowed to manifest and what we have to own and take responsibility for to stop self-interest, stop being part of a system what is anti-life, non-sustainable.

To be able to tame and dissolve my own inner demons is just the start – then the whole world opens up and one really can start to work on to continue the expansion and to realize that any separation from anything or anyone in this existence is a protection mechanism for the temporally self-interest bubble, and then it’s obvious that it’s an all or nothing scenario. Noone is really free until everyone is free.

Free means free of fear, free of death, fear of enslavement, fear of fear.

I did not plan the post/writing to be this holistic, but I don’t mind.

What originally wanted to write about is that I had an exhausting work day and had a big nap after lunch. After waking up around 20PM, I felt really heavy, still kind of slow and tired, but I know myself enough to be aware of that it’s not real tiredness, it’s a mental resistance, thus will dissolve.

To support this waking up without the mind system’s exhausting patterns – one of the greatest support for me with Desteni tools was – and still is – this very sentence:

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning(or the afternoon) as moment as me, breath as me.
(Jack – Self-forgiveness: Sleeping  ) The link can be found here among many other points to become aware with Self-forgiveness self-expansion:

Instead of waking up as thinking, focusing to energetic feelings in my mind, my body – what are results of thinking, resistances, desires and worries – mind constructs and judgments, definitions and polarities – to simply wake up as tiny children do: simply breath without thoughts, act, play and express in the moment, as me, as life. Yet with understanding, awareness of responsibility and direction.

Sometimes things and points in this blog seem repetitive, and it’s alright – if throughout the years the same points, issues, patterns come back without any significant and substantial change, that’s a sign that I walk around the real points, not directly into and through them and I might need to re-align, ask for support.

Alone it’s extremely difficult, because one does not see the deception within own’s perception without objective decomposition, absolute self-honesty.
Many go to psychologist, to talk their mind and heart out, that also can help, but with deeply ingrained convictions, automatic patterns, one has to have a technique with a principle to create a way to accumulate the change one wants to manifest.

For instance I already know how to deal with this dull tiredness if occurs to me after waking up – no need to think about, react to it, or judge – but simply apply what is practically working and to see how I can do better, more directly and also how to prevent it to manifest. What contributes to this tiredness during my day, when I am not present, allowing thoughts to chase and react with energy, so then that energy being suppressed and creating this energetic density which sits onto my mind, like a bucket of mud.

All the thoughts are indications of points and things in my life with what I do not yet have real awareness and practical application of self-honest responsibility, that’s why the doubt, worry resonantly triggering those thoughts, activating feelings and emotions – instead of directly LIVING WORDS without any inner play.

It’s humanity’s grand theme to really understand the inner space within our mind and how to honestly support the betterment of mankind with dealing the signs of self-dishonesty, which is manifested within our actions, accumulated to our and future generations.

My mental tiredness after waking up come from the desires, worries I did not yet develop a practical plan which with I trust myself that I am going to do all I can to solve – thus it’s also a mirror to see, what is the reason that I have this experience in a month about 2-3 times.

This post is not about going into details about those, but rather to share that everyone has their dozens of self-honesty points within their life and the ones we do not embrace and take responsibility for, will escalate and will manifest consequences what will even further reduce the perception of our choices, especially, because as a human, it’s so easy to fall into blame, justification and all kinds of emotional distractions.

Not falling into emotional self-traps do not mean not to feel, live or truly love – but when I feel the love, want to feel more or feel a hate – that’s actually completely self-interest – because love is not about how I feel, but it’s about what is really being done in the actual, physical realm.

When I stated ten years ago that I am done with spiritual ‘practises’, ‘beliefs’ and ‘systems’ and I am grounding myself to birth myself as the physical, I did not mean that I am now materialistic and denying everything beyond the matter. No. But what really matters is obvious on the actual physical realm. There are dimensions, many, inter and extra and maybe even ultra-dimensional things, systems or whatever. But to become practical and effective, one has to substantiate all the refractioned, scattered self.

I have an understanding of a lot of buddhist and eastern teaching’s scriptures and guidelines, teachings and I also see what they supposed to mean, there is value and factuality in that. But the whole thing, how is actually manifested is extremely deceiving and entrapping and most of the humans are not supported enough to be able to see those mental and emotional traps, because their own convictions and beliefs, hopes and fears. Thus it is not suggested to continue participating in those systems, simply because they literally are like one step forward, two steps back in the longer term.

Many will not realize this, or they will when they are too old to do something about it as they layered up and ‘consequenced’ their life to the point of everything is so automatic that it’s extremely challenging to stop those mind-patterns. And even if those patterns are about meditation, inner emptiness experience, feeling blissful and positive – that’s also an elaborate trap.

I am not sure if I was lucky, chosen or simply being really ready to be able to really apply critical investigation to spirituality and being able to see the shortcomings and fallacy within those.

It’s all about what’s really the motivation, to feel free or really, proven to walk into freedom from my own self-limitations.

The solution to my dazed, groggy tired experience after waking up is really simple – start moving, expressing without thinking mind, without worry, and as I move, as I breath, as I write these words, as literally directing myself to type these letters on the keyboard – I am here. Not in the past, not in the future, fully here.

And I guarantee this – this ‘I am here’ – is just a location reference and as one ‘spends more time’ in and as ‘this moment as expression, here within awareness of me being here’ – it expands and substantiates and brings more realizations, self-trust and clarity.

And within self-direction – self-movement I look – what really worries me, what I truly desire, and what is the solution about that.

Many can worry about to be really honest with myself – they just end up being really selfish or even evil, to just want to be rich, money, power, sex and all kinds of stuff – so they rather not be honest about what they truly desire.

It’s alright to admit – and to also acknowledge that it’s a state for now – maybe I truly desire to have sex with that lady, who I just barely know – and self-honesty is not to be like: ‘aha – so I honestly want to have sex with her, okay, how to do that, lets go’.

But often this self-honesty is just the surface of an other layer, for instance – ‘I really desire a partner, trust someone, mutual support, live with, etc’ – and then the next ‘aha’ – is that maybe I hope that this lady would be that someone I miss to have.

And many also stops there, and they chase relationship, wife, family and financial stability.

One also can look further, why I need these qualities, these words to be experienced BY SOMEONE, what I truly lack within myself for myself, and I can for instance see : I really miss love – because I do not love myself, I want to feel loved, because I don’t know how to love myself.

what is love – what is life, who I am?

It’s that easy to have existential crisis – so many do not do this to really face what’s within and not just ask but try to answer as well.

This is why for many, psychedelic drugs are so creepy scary things – as one can just slip into this state of questions and then to realize that ‘holy fuck I have no idea, clarity or real understanding’.
Some then gets freaked out, some uses it as a motivation to start a journey to find answers.

I bring drugs up as myself have experience with those, but what I have realized that they can induce fascinating experiences, really intense, very cool and also very uncool moments – but eventually, when I was ready to really answer these questions, then the drugs were in the way, they are distraction, too much lubrication of the mind, where I already realized that having those automatic habits of thought and reaction patterns are not solving, so until one do not stop taking the substances, will always slip back willingly or unwillingly to the patterns honestly really wants to change already.

Do I only want to have a feel in relation to see these unanswered questions, do I only want to feel oneness or I actually want real awareness, which is responsibility and practical understanding of action and consequences? 

So, after all those mind-blowing years, my real self-realization process started only when stopped the substances and started writing within self-honesty, to be able to forgive myself to still participating within patterns I already knew that I am sabotaging self-growth and taking responsibility for my and my surrounding’s reality.

Truly we are our own worst enemy and greatest support as well.

To be able to admit for instance that I allow lack of clarity and spending time in doubt because of financial instability brings up the point of working on my fears, doubts based on memory and childhood imprinting, and also to start practically looking in current reality of what I can actually do to dig myself out from the lack of money or to be able to see if it is really the problem in my life, or just distracting myself with the idea and excuse of having these problems, as by objectively looking, I am no way being rich, but earning so much more than anyone in my family for instance.

So decomposing the mind is great, the most important aspect of it is to structure and self-direct – not to start chasing thoughts and then ending up being chased by those and just jumping all over from problem to problem and not solving anything.

That’s where Desteni I Process online course is my life saver as the lessons, assignments, chats with the buddy, week by week – provides a timeline to walk through points with objective insights.
It has a cost, yes – as the whole course, the people invest their life to create, run and improve these courses every day, currently in this world money is a fuel, a symbol of awareness of creation, but if look back to see who I would be without paying and walking these courses – it’s really close to being scary to see how bad shape I was before in comparison to who I am today and I am still in these courses, every week working on patterns, weaknesses, honesty points and practical solutions.

That’s beyond value, because it’s literally the betterment of the world – which starts with ourselves. And this is not a vain or pride thing to say, but to clarify what it means to walk this process.

Sharing these doubts, fears, dishonesties in this public blog is also part of it – as I realize who I accepted myself to become, but I do not accept myself as these self-dishonesty points and I am going to change, and I share the process of change – this is integrity. Thus I develop self-trust, and also to stand up with and as the world – that this is who I really am, I am open book and everyone is encouraged to join and participate.

This is a really great substantiation of all the desteni tools and materials and experiences, really can support with practical living in self-honesty:

This is also an other way to explore how to catalyze self-expansion:

Great library of studies about the mind and consciousness, problems and solutions, existence and all kinds of health, and many more issues:


Day 372 – Resistances

P1020032Interesting to find out who I am if I stray away from my preferences, priorities, habits and definitions.

Let’s rephrase it: the only way to find out who I REALLY am is to question each definitions I find within.

An example: I really don’t like raw onion. It just gives me the creeps whenever a little piece is in my food – most of humans are okay with onion, so they don’t realize that even a tiny bit of onion in a food can actually contaminate the whole thing, as what I don’t like about it is that the taste sticks to my mouth, so influential and dominant, and it literally can ruin any great food eating experience, which to – to a certain extent I am exposed to be completely vulnerable.
I used to be really picky about this and nowadays if it’s just a little part, it’s fine, I embrace it – still not liking it, but not really reacting as it’s does not make sense and I do not allow myself to be influenced and directed by this experience anymore. But it was quite a process to walk.
And I still pick the big raw onion parts from a frozen pizza before putting it into the oven.

It’s just a simple example – perfect to self-introspection – not like some serious stuff as world system, money, relationship, sex, addiction or other ‘deeper’ pattern to look at.

Yet, what I find is that I am not aware of how deep and intense this self-preference is and how much I allow this to be triggered at events I do not have control over or if I do, then I am well compromised by that decision to control this point in my life. For instance not eating – which is fine, never had to starve yet because of this.

But I really resist to have a bite to a raw onion. I know it would be fine, it’s just I do not want it and I am willing to sacrifice comfort or practicality in order to serve this preference of mine to avoid eating raw onion.

Strange – such an insignificant point in relation to the whole world, yet I could write pages only about this.

Resistances are the points each of us should actively look at and investigate, because that’s where we find self-limitation.

I used to resist driving cars for decades, until I faced the fear and decided to walk through. Took quite some time, but now I drive – left or right side of the road, does not matter and I am grateful for transcending this resistance.

I used to smoke marijuana in order to re-create certain mind-states and experiences what I believed to be more effective, stable, enjoyable and creative – but this belief proven to be self-conviction for reasons I resisted to admit and be honest about. But I worked on it and did let it go. Long years since I do not use this stuff – even if people around me do – I am not interested. I am more interested in what I can do with clear, self-directed and expressed, sober mind.
I have learned a lot about why I chosen to smoke – suppressing emotions, resisting responsibilities, deluding myself with abilities I wanted to feel to have, and more of these patterns probably can be true to others, these points are my self-honesty points to face and do something about them – everyone has their own reasons to justify and not look at the resistances behind reasons.

I have resisted to leave my home country and did not want to admit why, but eventually did and it really supported me to move forward from my financial and professional stumbling.

I also resist relationship to a certain extent – rather hoping and fishing than actively moving and finding possible partner with reasons of specific preferences and inflated expectations based on past memories or desires, unadmitted fears.

I resist hoard, put aside, accumulate money to bigger amounts yet wanting to – although when I decompose the reasonings behind not doing it, they are questionable and containing excuses.

I resist to admit that I sometimes can catch myself on being a bit racist, which is not acted out and generic and not applicable to actual humans around me, yet within absolute, brutal self-honesty – I am not totally clear of it, yet I commit myself to cleanse, purify, forgive and let go all of these.

I also resist to publicly admit my weaknesses, however I am fully aware of that it is self-dishonesty to identify myself with who I accept myself to exist as today, but rather use as a reference location point from where I can understand the reality, creation and manifestation of me to be able to start changing myself about these points, specifically, knowing without thinking, here, seeing within me clearly and totally.

Well, weaknesses are holding doors to gifts I am not aware yet, because I resist to see that part of myself within that resistance for a reason. That reason I must discover, I must become able to communicate with myself – no higher or lower self bullshit, no inner child or god or buddha nature definition is necessary – simply to become self-honestly ask and answer to myself.

Why I hate raw onion? What’s the problem with it’s contaminating and dominating taste and smell? What I really don’t like about it, is there a particular fear or experience I automatically react with?
There are at least a half dozen points I can see about this, none of them alone are really strong enough to have conviction, but altogether: yes – I have this set, relations of reasons, and they also rely to each other – well, I literally rely to link one self-definition to others, thus none of them alone are decisive, but how my mind, how everyone’s mind works is that they create layers, the algorithm is simplifying, abstracting and automatizing to shorten to walk through certain neural paths in the mind to be able to step beyond this one pattern.

So if I go to a restaurant and look at the menu, I do not contemplate about onion for 30 minutes – I just defined myself to simply ignore all food containing raw onion without a thought.

This is cool, yet if any of those definitions, conclusions, preferences, judgements contain any fear-based resistance and I use that to reason why I do or don’t do something – then I can easily build a personality system what is built on self-dishonesty and it becomes automatic, natural.
Then – I can really resist to decompose certain self-convictions, because I might find out that I was lying to myself all the time, so then my self-trust and confidence can become less certain, so I might end up realizing that I have no idea what’s going on and that can be scary!
And we are quite complex humans – resistance has many forms, mental, emotional, even physical patterns automatically activate – I’ve seen people literally fall asleep when they were about to realize something profound about their existence – it’s just too much and the mind shuts down.

Many times I had so cold, shaking, really uncomfortable physical experience when I was about to start doing something I was really resisting before. All my beingness shouts that I should not do this, because a strong fear of something is kicking in and literally getting the cold feet. Ain’t fun, but it’s quite liberating.
Sounds silly, but when I first did meet with a lady from online dating, I was quite anxious. Nothing really to lose – but all the childhood worries and ideas, fears and desires – fear of rejection, fear of judgement, fear of fear – it’s just overwhelming. But I started to get to know myself within these experiences of resistances and the most relevant point is to always be aware of that I can change patterns within me – thus judging, punishing, fighting myself is completely unnecessary and counterproductive.
Humans are so wicked, even resisting to stop fighting can be overwhelming as the program is to always generate mind-energy, preferably with positive experiences, but if there is no other way, let the drama come, just to feel something, to feel alive, etc – such sad realization but it’s just a state – I can forgive myself, I can stop myself, I can re-define and re-birth of who I am.

Resistance is key to become comfortable to face and transcend, otherwise by time we all become more and more limited until merely existing on pre-programmed organic robot level.

The ability to reveal, question and change our own program code is where the distinction of creation and creator melts as if I can’t change what’s created as myself, then I am actually irrelevant, because I will cease to exist. Why? Because then I only exist as someone who was created and I have no power to change that, so then I will live like that until I am being changed by forces outside of my will and direction – which is the opposite of actual freedom.

So then freedom is maybe when I can change creation, so then I am the creator. It’s often scary, because it’s unknown. Fear of unknown is quite a resistance, but there is no other way to transcend limitations.


I forgive myself that I have not realized what I resist and why within my personality, preferences, judgments, experiences, realizations and actions – and within that not admitting that what I resist persists, thus a self-limitation I accept, maintain and re-create, thus literally imprisoning myself with not facing, walking through and transcending my resistances.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed to realize that resistances can be investigated and understood, the words, the connection, the relationships within that pattern can be decomposed, the self-dishonesty to forgive myself for and be able to prevent myself going into the same mistakes again, thus start discovering what’s beyond this resistance.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that resistances are self-directed decisions to accept and carry, and each and every single one of those accumulate into a personality what is self-limitation within self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that a very effective way to walk through resistances is writing within self-honesty, writing and sounding self-forgiveness, because within that I am becoming aware of specificity and reasons, starting point and trigger points, thus being able to see a pattern before participating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify why accepting resistances and why defining myself based on the resistances I accept, protecting to maintain those resistances while not realizing that these resistances are locking away potentials of who I can be and I have all the power and opportunity to liberate myself from these self-limitations.

I commit myself to discover, understand, forgive and stop participate within each resistances I accept and to apply the Desteni Process, self-forgiveness, self-correction and self-commitment to focus on practical real time change.

Support in relation to RESISTANCE:

Day 371 – Quiet mind and decompose patterns

P1010738I forgive myself that I have not realized the solution as simplicity within quiet mind presence as not seeing that thinking is indication of doubt, fear and insecurity and trying to create a construct within what I can explain, categorize, process and solve with polarity, definitions, judgments and opinions, instead of realizing the solution as stop the mind and directly see, feel and act.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity as solution within decomposing complicated and not understood patterns within my mind, personality and behavior, wherein if I am unable to apply direction within clarity, then I am not owned by me here, but of the accumulated consequence of past acceptances becoming a pattern which I choose to trust, without realizing that this is self-disempowerment and self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have ever bothered to overcomplicate, to become frustrated and worried about issues and things in my head, which I felt overwhelmed by and defined as too much and irritating, while not admitting that not the actual problems ahead are complicated, but my attitude, algorythms in my mind to justify self-dishonesty without being aware of the specificity.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the mind only works effectively if its quiet in there – and within that not realizing that the more I express and live, expand and discover within the quiet mind state, the more I realize that not the mind works but I, as living expression directly move and thus realizing the common sense within always decomposing patterns of the mind until I directly can see each starting point, movement, reason and connection – thus then I can make a decision within awareness and responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have allowed to get attached to, defined by and hooked on the justification of ‘I don’t know’ and ‘I don’t understand’ about myself of how and why I feel or think or do something and not realizing that I can apply writing and techniques and tools to break the self-delusion of not knowing which is in a way of give up, because that ‘give up’ experience gives a temporally relief of pressure and not seeing that this will return and I am slave of my self-created mind-loop-trap.

I forgive myself that I have not realized all the actual specific points in my day to day life, what I react to with frustration and stress, or irritation or dislike, resistance or fear and not realizing the simplicity within consistent application of writing and investigating the words and their relationships within me.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I justify specific points within me to accept self-created worry when those points are being triggered within me and not realizing that I am not aware of it to the degree of when and how it’s being activated, and once I react, I am sucked into the experience, distracted and within that I do not realize the extent of losing myself, and afterwards not working through what happened and to prevent myself falling into the same again and again by looking the problem and the solution directly.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that self-forgiveness as the basic of self-honesty is the most direct and effective way to prepare myself to be aware and present, understanding and willing to change by seeing action and consequence in front of me without need to think in the mind.

When and as I start to feel heavy within looking towards things what I am not certain about – such as money, world system, partnership – I realize – I am already complicating by carrying my past, judgments, definitions and patterns what I know that it’s not common sense – thus I let the construct in my head go and look at the point with practicality – facts, reality timeline, my physical body, the words I think, say or act – their relationships and I understand – discover, and wherever I see self-dishonesty, as patterns of fear, greed, postponement, judgement, superiority or inferiority, etc – I realize – that has to be investigated further and decomposed to the point of being able to re-define words as action what I want to live without polarity/self-interest and fear.

When and as I am not sure what is self-interest or not self-interest, I investigate – and realize that the doubt comes from not investigating or accepting patterns to move and influence me without being awarwe of their details, trigger point, my responsibility and possible self-honesty – thus decompose, write, forgive, stop and explore in real time application of what’s beyond this specific self-limitation.

I commit myself to decompose all patterns of the mind to be able to see everything I do or think or feel as what it is within facts and to be able to catch self-interest before acting upon, thus prevent consequences to manifest what are not best for all.

I commit myself to reference the quiet mind within daily living application without becoming obsessed or distracted with the point of ‘quietness’ but focusing on accumulation of decomposition, forgiveness and actual change.

I commit myself to enjoy giving myself moments of quietness and simply be, express myself be fully here without reason, goal or agenda but to be my living expression to embrace all what is here and see who I am as life and trust myself unconditionally – and if any of this is being difficult or impossible – I apply the decomposition and investigation, self-forgiveness and move myself to real time change breath by breath.

SELF AND LIVING – exceptional self-support:

The process of self, mind and body relationship mapping – exploring your own innerverse:


Day 370 – Daily Forgiveness and Walk

P1010668Today just generic Self-forgiveness from this point and see where I move from here.

  • I forgive myself that I have not considered the fact that reality is something what is always here, in and as the physical and if I am not aligned with it in thought, word and deed, I am living in an alternate, virtual, delusional reality and even if I convinced myself that it’s okay to shift back and forth, not realizing that the consequences I create in my separate, personal reality due to the separation experience from reality will inevitably manifest in the reality as well, just more unpredictably, thus determining my actual life to be insecure, uncertain and confusing, because I am not aware of what I actually cause and how – because if I would be, I certainly would consider to stop this madness of self-awareness and would focus to re-align with all life awareness here in and as the physical reality.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that each moment I skip breath as awareness, presence and inner silence of thoughts, feelings and emotions, I stop birthing myself into and as the physical here, thus prolonging my deluded experience of existence through and as the mind consciousness system, because even that I know that the source of the consciousness is the physical, it’s automatism is so ingrained and infested into each moment of my life, that I am being overwhelmed by reactions I did not yet decompose and realize how to prevent participating within.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the strive to do more, be faster, better and just to simply state be and feel, experience – thus pretend – to be more than who I am here today – this is causing me to always strive, be vulnerable to the patterns of insecurity and fear, causing me to skip a breath, because wanting to think the situation I am within through, in order to get by, get through – and not realizing that this abdication of responsibility only leads to time loop and manifesting more consequences, thus more reason to react again to the situation, and if starting to move towards realizing what is actually here in and as the reality, then I would be overwhelmed and would experience instability and intensified fear, thus would want to return to the more stable experience of ‘all right’-type of self-interest, as long as I can keep feeding my mind-possessions of fulfilling my self-created desires and evading to face my fears in a reasonably acceptable rate.
  • When and as I want to do more, want to be more, want to seem more, or to have, feel or experience more than what is here in my direct reality available, I stop and I allow myself to breathe, just breathe, wash away the polarity of my mind-activities and just embrace myself as inner quietness, purely physical being and move myself to directly see, directly feel, directly decide without thinking and if I can’t, then I decompose the patterns I am not aware of to be able to move about.
  • When and as I am walking, I walk here, I focus to the action, the feel, the physical, the breathing, the gravity, the air, the movement, the body, the surroundings and I allow my mind to be quiet.
    I direct myself to have a polarity-free peace while physically moving, as when I move, my mind stops.

As I physically walk, I walk through the mind, I can see the mind, I can feel the mind, but I direct myself to not participate in the mind, not react to the mind, only embracing, understanding and expanding within breathing awareness.

  • When and as I walk, let’s say the hallway at the office I work at – and I catch a little trouble in my mind, such as a thought of something I should do, I should not forget, a worry of something happened/would about to happen, I acknowledge the notion and I move forward.
    I see/realize and understand that within awareness, if I do not seize it with giving the permission and the control to the thinking mind, I can embrace just a little more and more with each breath, this is the real and tangible infinity which awaits to all humans, already today: the liberation with breath through and as understanding, forgiving and embracing the mind to see and understand beyond with practical common sense and that no one knows what’s possible as we have all been limited to our own imagination based on desires and fears we previously could imagine and got stuck with them, thus the realization is to let go all I hold onto and focus to what is here in and as the physical here.
  • When and as I worry about money, not having enough, not being able to afford, pay or sort out something financially, I realize – one breath at a time, and to structure, plan, consider – my proven best practical way is to sit down and write all to a paper/text file and do account all and without any worry influence to make the best practical decision and then plan the solution and move forward and then the end of the day/cycle, to check reality again, commitment and decision too and if required, realign, adjust, change, step back or completely stop – it’s all within self-direction without accepting fear and worry, devotion and desire, but simply as decision as who I am as living life.

Challenging point – the office does not feel physically too friendly – cold-ish, dry air, fluorescent lights – it’s temporally, but I take the challenge as something to enjoy and to see what I can do to support my body, presence and continuous realizations within this environment, what I can actually do to make sure that I can work effectively and efficiently, while considering my body, process and have fun.

Today in the office I was all day in my light jacket and big scarf – it was okay, although I had the thought that I might seem as someone is just arriving or about to leave – that made me smile, although did not really care, as I was enjoying that this gave me comfort. Also – drinking a lot of water – I am quite effective within this, and nowadays, as having the last days of the flu – still needs to hydrate more – so today one of my focus points was to drink enough water, do not feel cold and not get tired – meaning not to fall into the mind-tiredness experience.
It went well, until about 15h – and I realized that I have created the cycle of big break in this period and did not come, and I was seeing that I expect something what does not ‘come’ by itself and that relationship was like a waiting process and within that I was reacting and judging the situation and then I felt a bit of tiredness – not because of the job was exhausting or I actually got tired, but because I stopped self-directing and moving and automatically falling back to the mind-realm, where I am exposed to the needs of energy experiences.
Was fascinating to see that this realization was missing from my inventory – although in theory I knew it since years: it’s not enough to forgive and stop patterns, I actually have to fill up the void with self-movement, self-direction and self-creation in each moments equally, otherwise I stop expanding and the mind is vast, well, limited, but if I stop, I don’t see, I don’t really feel, only through the one dimension of the mind, which can just make me believe that it’s infinite, although it’s just one tiny slice of me. But definitely need to deal with it, otherwise it will always be at my nose – in the way of moving and expanding. Dealing: meaning to understand what that tiny dimension in this situation actually means and why is currently blocking my way to simply live without fear.

Even boredom and tiredness can be backtracked to fear – let’s say it’s a homework. There will be a mind-construct, a timeline of thoughts, reactions, actions and events and somewhere inbetween, one can find that honesty with self – fear. Fascinating. Within the era of human created A.I. – there is so much potential – imagine a self-honest A.I. develops an A.I.

Who said life only can be born from the organic physical? Hehe, will see…

Nonetheless, it’s our call of duty to start living without any lies to ourselves or others.

Consciousness Shift and the Death of the Physical – Life Review

Day 369 – Illness and Breath

P1010735I am going through a flu-like mild illness right now. I was exhausting myself deliberately and it did not make sense but as always – the body can’t escape from consequences.

My last flu was quite a blast with enormous headache and in comparison to that, this is rather an uncomfortable yet not that brutal one. Still, it’s characteristic is present the same way, thus I can observe and so to speak intervene with it’s most prominent effect, which is how I am related to breathing in terms of awareness.

The question always comes to me in the moments when I feel that I have difficulty to be aware of the breath, to do full breath – into chest, stomach, not superficial, but a deep one – without exaggerating, while I am not chasing or being chased by thoughts, emotions and feelings.

This time I felt like I am missing all the breaths one by one and it felt exhausting, almost like a semi-sleep, dazed state.

I had the sense that this illness will stay until I do not breathe through it ‘properly’. And then also had the impression that if I can remain present, awareness within each consecutive breath, then I will heal much faster.

Then I realized, I probably would have not even got sick if I would keep the awareness and the self-expression of breathing within presence in a consistent manner, thus to avoid the ‘expensive’ and body-and awareness exploiting busy and distracting mind-work.
But I got hooked on stimulation, intensity, I was preoccupied and distracted from my breathing self presence awareness, into the mind, energetic experience, in a way similar ‘high’ experience than drugs induce, but with my thoughts, feelings and emotions, reactions and stimulations.

Also, as I was tired and exhausted, well, because of that, I got into the stimulation re-creation cycle and I got even more exhausted, putting my body to the point of being vulnerable to illness.

It’s interesting to see, there was a moment of self-blame, but then realized, this is here now, no escape, the question is that will I do it again, when the storm is over?
Not the first time I realize this, yet I did it again – I got exhausted to the point of getting sick. Each time I do it, I focus on understanding more on this mechanism, thus I can re-commit and re-align to see what I can do to prevent myself making the same mistake again.

This breathing awareness is something I am not directly connected with yet – sometimes feels like a thing, which is huge, like a whale, takes time to start moving, sometimes even days and I used to accept this, so on my ‘less breathing aware days’, just to wait out to the cycle to turn to the more ‘aware’ days.

But it is definitely a self-dishonesty, because it is not self-direction, I am disempowering the decision, the action and accumulation of directly breathe, bring myself back each time I skip one.

Always easy to find excuse why not to, like being in a busy in the work moment and needs to focus to the job, or driving high-speed on highway, no time to breathe, it’s like there is still in effect of an inherent, almost instinct-like habit of relying to the thinking and reacting mind, instead of full presence.
There is a change however, I see it through within situations when things get strife and dense, for instance on the high-speed highway taking over moments when skill and discipline is crucial – I find myself to directly breathe, like literally blowing out the air with focus and physical feel – that becomes a way, day by day more and more to bring and keep myself present and with empty mind face and deal with real time situations.

That aspect of me, within that apparently tiny area I find infinity and limitlessness, thus true freedom, because the more breath I ‘spend’ within direct awareness, keeping not to rely to my mind, the more I directly and exponentically birth myself here in and as the physical as truly living life ‘itself’. Sounds very poetic, but for the time being, this is a cool compass to consider.

No need to get obsessed with the ‘undefined’ itself, because then that is also an indication of escaping from already manifested self-consequence, programmed mind, and it causes self-disempowerment, as not taking responsibility for the patterns I already constitute.
That’s how I got hooked on spiritual meditation and psychedelic drugs back then, with those, I learned to stimulate and manipulate my mind to re-create specific blank or energetically ‘high’ states in order to be able to learn to be specific and effective to deal with certain situations.
However, the trap was that with certain situations I unconsciously chose to suppress, deny, distract from, thus many real life problems I had, did not get solved in time, and I was not expanding within understanding or solving those points, because I have mastered meditation to any time balance out my mind, stop the overwhelming tension of real world problems, but it was just a well-constructed bubble, what always did burst and I was facing the situations with a mind which I just proven not to be able to solve things with.

Not that the mind itself is bad, but if I do not understand what is the mind, what is not, what is not effective, what is not self-honest, then I keep blaming and postponing, escaping and denying until there is no escape, and then I obviouly will not have neither the understanding or skills to deal with the problem, but only the tendency to fall back to the patterns of denial and procrastination – to timeloop, just accumulating more manifesting – and often irreversible consequences.

And breath is key to bring back myself here, just as equally the words I think, say and act as well.

There are a lot of things I literally procrastinated about my breathing to take responsibility for and this flu-like illness reminded me that with dedication and discipline, applying the desteni tools, I can decompose and change – and I have imagination and glimpses of experiences of what I can be capable of if I could remain present all the time – but the real deal is probably much more than I ever could imagine. Thus, without desire or too much imagination, rather to walk it, every day and to see what I can become with self-honesty as a compass, self-forgiveness to understand consequences and prepare the change and self-commitment to live that every day.

I close with self-forgiveness about breath

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not wake up as breath, as moment as breath, and thus having the starting point as mind for the day and accept that for all the moments of the day without realizing the direct and specific reason or reasons for falling out from self-trusting, whole, present self-direction and self-movement.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that only using the breath, breathing ‘fully’, when feeling too much falling into the mind and losing direct connection with presence and awareness, and thus only using it to balance myself out being inbetween the total being lost in the mind and somewhat being aware that I am not present, thus create cycles and loops and to justify with specific things of why I accept it and thus limit myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the simplicity and effectiveness of consistent writing and voicing self-forgiveness together to become aware all the patterns I accept to justify not being aware of each breath equally, such as worry about money, desire after partnership and sex, success and doing something for the betterment of the world and within these specific self-created and accepted distractions, not to decompose to the point of seeing the origin point, the trigger point, the specific words, reactions and the nature of the self-dishonesty, the mind component and construct within absolute specificity, in order to assist and support myself to stand up and stop the negligence of my potential and life essence as breath and awareness and responsibility to birth.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the effectiveness of active sessions to do regarding to my mind’s usual habits, to deal with them in order to liberate myself and my breath from the preoccupation of thinking and reactional, energetic mind-patterns.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense within each day not to accept any excuse within applying the desteni tools, no matter what is the circumstance, and if I accept it one day, it accumulates to the next day to accept again until manifesting the negligence of self-honesty so long that I literally lose my awareness and start re-creating the old patterns of chasing self-interest only to the point of manifesting something what is so uncomfortable, can be illness, disappointment, failure, a fall, that then I would be able to breath through the delusion through manifested consequence to realize that I was not honest to myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become passive in relation to how I allow to be changed in breath awareness, to allow my mind, circumstances and conditions to define and limit how I am breathing and not considering the common sense to investigate, decompose and change these patterns I constitute.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can focus and discipline myself to learn what is that I accept to distract and justify to remain separate from my breath here to see where in my life about what I have to take responsibility within practical action, to structure and plan, prepare and live the change I find liveable.

A point of daily writing is what I re-establish and sharing it, without judgement, without fear, without desire and without any need of perfection or any goal beyond being honest to myself to share what is the current day I see, realize, understand and work with.

Thank you, Desteni I Process, it is a life savior online course, enjoy and share!

This is an invaluable description of the process and practicality of living self-honesty:


Day 368 – Trust in Self & daily realizations, not Patterns

IMG_5860Whenever I trust within some thought-construct, I have to realize that it’s based on a stretched mind-state, which I require to maintain, ritualistic mind-possession-like time-looping within the same patterns over and over again in order to be convinced and energized to keep up with it.

On the other hand, where I look at things with common sense, I realize patterns, but recognize their situation-specific effectiveness or disadvantage and I release myself from the constant need of always relying on patterns in general, but if practical, still being able to utilize them to apply awareness – so then what I feel is that I am less busy in my head, more ‘out there’, yet from within there is only this creating and expressing from darkness and emptiness of self, which I find as good. Dark: not in the sense of opposite of light, but something from deep within, which until I do not explore, express – it’s unknown.

Good, in a sense of that’s allowing to live this unknown, where I find new qualities, abilities, and indeed, sometimes weaknesses and mistakes to manifest, but I shall not stop to judge, define or start punishing myself, just because it does not seem to work since a while.

Like the children, to learn to stand up, walk and talk – they do not know giving up, it’s just not an option, but to live!

Today I realized this, well, it’s often a sort of organic process, kind of started yesterday, but as writing it down here, it’s being quantified and solidified, crystalized and thus a more aware substantiation: within my job the fact is that when I progress, I feel enthusiastic, when facing difficulties and not progressing, then I feel tired.
So the realization what was obvious today is towards whenever I would start to accumulate resistance, friction and tension by not progressing, to just literally stand up, walk some steps away, make a distance and just breathe and let it go.

This way, I do not give up, but let go the struggle and the pattern I tried to apply yet did not work – and thus to support the realization that I am not progressing, because I have a closed mindset about a conviction or hope which I keep pushing, while it’s obvious that this is not the solution, so I should just step back one and try something else or somehow differently without any frustration to manifest.

Preventing to have experiences of uncoolness literally saves me from the ups and downs and rather be consistent and effective.

And if I don’t know how I will solve the problem I try to figure out – then it does not mean that I do not need to be aware of what I do and why – but about the how: to allow myself to be completely open – and it’s like ideas come from the darkness – nothingness, almost random, but the direction and will supports them to be situation-specific.

Sounds bullshit to be intuitive software engineer for instance, but in a way this can be applied to any kind of job, even the apparently most mundane one.

Also, today, one of the most degrading job I believed to be, cashier in a hypermarket – turned out to be not so much, just because one cashier lady was behaving absolutely the opposite I believed they supposed to be like: she was not dull, impersonal and monotonic, and she taught me that even there one can be present, actually enjoying and supportive(besides allowing one to pay for the grocery).

So all is being decided and often limited within our minds, obviously, thus it’s immensely important to be able to review and re-adjust our thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Yes, emotions as well – no matter how strongly and automatically one can feel about something with full steam of absolute conviction – beyond that there is history, pattern, repeating and some sort of fear – or desire, but that’s again in a way a doubt/fear-based construct if we really decompose it as well.

Also I had a quite supportive and revealing, containing a lot of ideas and points to consider Desteni I Process online course chat with the course’s buddy(person, who is seasoned within self-supporting techniques and self-honesty to support and reflect) – for instance working on patterns within specific areas of my life – turns out that those are existing within apparently unrelated areas of my life.

For instance the resistance to lead and initiate not only within playing music with professionals, but even within partnership or daily jobs or friendships – and these seem so obvious, but it’s different to assume than directly see, being able to take direct notes and specific adjustments to expand.

And I could list several more points I have realized just today and I definitely should as writing literally substantiates the realization and the specificity of how to live that understanding, thus it’s common sense to write and share every day.

So, that’s why – it’s literally each day a full blast of opportunity to realize, learn, let go and grow and writing substantiates and shares it, thus it’s worth doing so.  – the place to learn about self and life

Day 367 – Letting go Shame

IMG_5745Continuing with the Shame point – last post was about Day 366 – Shame and change.

It’s fascinating that I did not experience shame since a while – yet then why I still bring it up?
Never better opportunity to look at something when not being ‘in it’ or ‘of it’. Thus to see it more objectively, without it’s influence, no emotional reaction, self-judgement, or desire to get rid of it, just to see as it is, a phenomenon in the world.

Everyone has to look at it from the perspective of their own honesty, because for me shame is only presenting itself, when I do something I do not want to do or participate within AND also knowing that I could have done something about it already, but did not – yet.

In this sense, I would even relate to my earlier years of being shy – it was similar experience and rarely but sometimes still can reappear: my face becomes red, I am anxious and shy or being in shame in a way. For instance, when I was teenager and absolutely eager to have sexual exploration with ladies, induced by erotic magazines and movies, when I was talking with ladies, I could not look into their eyes and I was really shy, and in a sense, was similar to shame – almost like being ashamed of my secret desires.

Interesting to see how any amount of shame can sabotage the whole integrity of my self-trust and confidence, and in this sense it’s common sense to be absolutely disciplined not to accept to exist within any non-constructive shame.

Constructive is when I see that I do something I am ashamed of, would be really uncomfortable if the whole world would know what I did – or did not in case of I should have done something but I did not.

In this way, what I think catalyzed my process of self-honesty and self-forgiveness, and life-recognition, thus started my own Journey to Life with Desteni tools and community – is the realization of the extent of self-interest I have accepted and allowed to exist within.

Self-interest I mean to focus on feelin good, the pursuit of happiness, finding desires and then fulfilling those and basically that’s it – all my interests, skills to serve this purpose and in overall, life is about to be happy and do things to achieve that and that’s all.

Well, in opposition of this – I always struggled with finding a greater purpose, I mean, even my daily job as a software engineer requires skills to have the practical skills to be able to analyse situations, write programs to solve problems and automatize processes to do things more effectively.

In this sense, my question is why to be so obsessed to pursue happiness, feeling good, why has to be the purpose of who I am – why can’t I just enjoy every moment without goals, desires, achievements or efforts?

From this perspective I was able to let go and so to speak give up this pursuit of happiness, because being happy is just an experience – does not last and I am entirelly responsible to set up the conditions what define when and why I can – or should – experience or feel good.

Also, I always wanted to feel good, but at the same time there were so many factors what could automatically make feel bad – I was poor, I thought I am ugly, I had no skills, I could not communicate well, I was worried, anxious and doubtful, etc.

And all the time I knew that I can be better, I can grow, I can expand and change – yet I did not do, and that was first and foremost the primary source of shame.

Many unadmitted sources of shame were in my life as well – being with a lady, who had fantastic body, we had great sex and she wanted a romantic relationship, whatever it means, but I was just in for the comfortable and make me feel good sex – without taking responsibility or really considering the other.
And I knew that, was shameful in a way, but did not do anything about it, rather went into social plays and games, as everyone else do – and thus, when I know that I do less or worse than I should or I could be doing, that was source of shame.

Later I recognized that I abuse smoking weed to re-create the same handful of experiences and mind-states since years – and I knew, I should stop and face the real world which I try to escape from, but I kept choosing to get high – and I was ashamed that I kept making the not so good decision.

I do not say weed is bad, it’s a tool, in a way, but if someone is not absolutely self-honest, then can be used to deceive oneself further of why using it. Especially if getting stoned day after day – there is something one does not want to face and that can lead to admitted or unadmitted shame.

We always know what we do and why – even when we tell ourselves that we don’t know why staying in situation what do not support us or others the best. But if we look honestly, there is always at least one reason.

For me shame comes when I am aware of that excuse, yet I still keep with the lie.

Simple example – I also had my fair share with porn and masturbation and I was ashamed of it, because I realized it’s an easy and quite selfish energetic addiction to feed, which is not really fulfilling what I actually want, which is a great partner – but I accept less and I knew I was doing that, thus I was ashamed of what I was accepting and allowing.

And that mindstate, that made me uncertain, awkward, easily giving up or justifying why no need to go out and meet with real lady, who has preferences, would dislike some of my things, we could argue, things would get complicated, etc – but that’s life! And if I keep turning down to face and solve those things, I actually miss living and end up living in my own bubble mind realm, completely consumed with self-interest. And that also made me ashamed of by simply observing and noting my abilities, potentials and in overall life-compass of what’s honorable and respectable.

In a way I am ashamed of humanity, how we treat and perceive each other, nature, animals, plants, the whole system – and that is also an interesting point to be able to see what I define as shame.

Something to hide, to justify, to live with – or something to make me initiate, move, explore research and do something about to see if I can inspire, influence or manifest a change.

And it’s not even about if I am optimistic or idealist – many would say I am greatly, but as seeing potentials and to see what can be created with diligence and commitment, dedication and discipline – then I have to realize that there is a lot one person can do and also in the world, history and even the news – there are a lot of persons who, we can see, could achieve a lot. Or groups, alliances, collaborations.

Thus, shame is something what should not be hidden but to openly investigated, understood and to ask why it exists, why we accept and what can be done to be prevented to experience.

In this sense, wherein many things are relative – to feel great can start with dealing with my own relationship with shame. If I can stop a habit what I honestly see that it is not supporting me, not the best version I could be, then that’s good start.

And many can oppose this ‘best version of myself’ consideration, because it can become an obsession, but it’s true to everything – it’s not something I should be possessed with, but a simple common sense to apply by answering to this: Is there more in Life than to just experience me feeling good?

Many parents understand this, that their children to ‘be happy’ is their goal, but in this sense it’s the same self-interest pattern copied: I am happy if my children are happy, and they will be happy when their children will be happy, and it sounds weird.
It’s like an uncompletable future, and it’s all about individual interest – if my child is happy by torturing animals – it’s not really that I want. And forget morality, just look at the longer process of life, the bigger picture of the ecosystem.

Can be really happy without considering what our environment will look like in 100 years as the current system is being animated by the accumulation of all the individual humans, poor and rich included?

That’s why I have this burden sometimes, the shame of humanity in my shoulders, but I have to see – myself what I can do – and within honesty what I actually do and what I still resist to do in order to just stimulate myself with feeling good, justifying with family, as if I only focus for them to feel good, then I am doing my best. But see, animals also do that, it’s default and one must ask can be more than that?

For me, okay, I do not have wife, child – but even if I would have – humanity is my family – animal kingdom and the ecosystem is my family – and although I can’t always apply this in practical every day life and/or have to prioritize to what’s in front of me, but still in a way I look at things like that – I am responsible for humanity as a whole, as all as one as equal, but not myself alone for everything – I used to try this savior mind-set, that I am alone responsible for everyone, the world – but I was excluding myself! Like I must have to be this martyr and sacrifice my dreams and needs and wants – while I was not even honest about what’s real or practical, relevant or realistic about my dreams/desires – so I went into this polarity war within myself – good versus evil – spiced with morality and self-judgement – it’s not that difficult to be ashamed!

Like parents do say to children: ‘Shame on you’ – wtf? Because they did not make their bed or clean up the dust in their room? What a frakking shame – while it’s okay to spill millions of crude oil into people’s neighborhood and the lawyer will deal with it shamelessly by using back-doors of the corrupt system. For me that’s more shameful. But one can’t start with those kind of systems to change – but with self here – because until I do not clean house at home within myself – I might live in delusions, and based on that try to change the world, i’ts like wearing pinkify glasses while trying to change the weather and not seeing how it is currently. It’s easy to say the world is crap as it is now, I want change – but for that I have to understand first how it is, how it works, I can’t just nuke it into oblivion and then hope for life will reappear, and next time hoping for the best that will be better.

So my desire to save the world was not honest – rather a superimposed self-stimulation of being able to perceive myself as good, while wanting to save myself.
From what? I saw I was not good enough – according to my potentials. And although I emotionally abused myself by whipping on me as : “Bad boy!” – I kept whipping, instead of literally sitting down with myself and write down the problem to see in front of me to figure out a viable and doable solution.

So it’s always about to simplify by being honest with myself and to be able to see possibly applicable solutions.

Same with so many things I have done in my past which I am not proud of, well, many should remain secret from others even – but even if all my life would become totally transparent and public – I should be fine, without shame – as I made mistakes, but to transform my life from today towards being able to say to anyone – I am here, this is who I am, no shame – within self-honesty.

And it’s a process, especially by considering slavery, rape, abuse and exploitation in this world – and I can say that ok, I do not enslave or rape anyone, I am clear, no shame – but if I investigate my participation within the world system, for instance through money system – I am in the game, I am responsible. Thus that also can give insights of our real responsibility and thus to realize what it means all as equal as one as life we are here and thus separation to hide behind to see as self-interest.

And for some – to accept to live according to absolute self-interest is fine – for me it was always stressful, because of the consequences I was able to understand and liking or not – I am responsible not only for myself, but for others as well.

Self-forgiveness to substantiate realization and change about shame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change and be ashamed that I accept to resist change, even when I know that I should grow and to keep re-enforcing to justify with fear and incompetence, which then also realizing that it’s justification, and still not doing anything about it or giving up trying – instead of decomposing the patterns and find practical ways to live up to potentials I already see within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself with shame of what I do which I judge as not good yet doing it and not figuring out how actually stop and change and because of that, not being confident and doubtful, instead of realizing that shame as emotional turmoil and experience while not doing anything is an excuse thus if shame does not support change, then it’s self-deception.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I am ashamed of doing something or afraid of what if others, anyone or everyone would know that of me, then I would feel bad, then instead of trying to keep it in secret and justify why I still doing it, rather to stop and focus to stop and if I can’t alone, then ask for assistance.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I am ashamed and not doing anything about it, I am in doubt and sabotaging my self-trust and integrity and thus within that to realize that I am doing it deliberately and hide behind shame, instead of really standing up and to discover what I can be beyond doing what I already know that is not supporting me.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that principled living within self-honesty means to live each moment the way that I do not have to be ashamed as I ensure that I do all I can to live up to my potentials, what I don’t know until I try all I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from my own self-judgement and self-punishing emotional turmoil of shame and not realizing that if I focus to emotional reaction while I do not act, then that reaction is self-dishonest and I should assist and support myself to be able to stop and focus to action and understanding.

I commit myself to re-define living shame in a way which is not emotionally sabotaging but encouraging me to change and re-align with life as principle as what is best for all.

I commit myself to stop be ashamed of things I can potentially change within myself which I already realized that do not support me, but focus to practical understanding and change.

I commit myself to stop sabotaging my self-trust and self-honesty by not accepting to exist within shame, but to motivate, encourage, direct and move myself to keep expanding from my limitations and to see what are the potentials why exploring with openness every day.

When and as I see that I am ashamed of doing something which I am aware of that I should not do, I would not like to do, I don’t like doing, I ask myself what I really want, and why not doing that and how I accept less than I could be and to answer myself of how can I assist and support myself to overcome this limitation and if I would need help from others then dare to ask and accept help.

I commit myself to be open and transparent of all the things I was or would be ashamed of and trying to keep in secret in order to protect my image and likeness, and rather expose my self-dishonesty and commit myself to change and not just expect but practically direct myself to really change.

I commit myself to share the process of self-liberation from self-limiting shame into self-honesty and freedom from self-judgement and fear.

I commit myself to share my process of self-forgiveness in thought, word and action with the world as myself as the proof of work and proof of identity of who I am as Life as all as equal as one.