Day 334 – Re-aligning to Live Words: Love

IMG_3069One of my major realizations in life is that humans do not Live Words actually. Certainly Think, Feel, Speak and Act, and these various forms of ‘word usages’ are rarely within harmonious unification with each other, which results a sort of cognitive dissonance, inner conflict and lack of self-honesty.

What I mean is that when I think, feel, speak and do a word the same way – then I am honoring myself and others with being the same within thought, word and deed, unconditionally, without positive or negative, without self-interest, no resistance or fear.

Let’s start with the most common word, which is a very important one: LOVE.

Just today I’ve posted a lot of images on social media about my ‘loved ones’.

This could be confusing for those who walk the process of Self-honesty, and within the community often can be read that ‘love is deception, delusion, self-interest and manipulation’.

Well, I’ve been there, I realized it, I worried about it, I’ve walked a process with it and what I have realized is that the Process of Self-honesty does not end by forgiving myself for describing and realizing how exactly I’ve abused myself and the words, others and thus live itself in a way, but then once I am seeing clearly of what I should not do, it’s just the beginning of an other phase: re-defining words.

As I have realized in relation to the word LOVE, that my previous self-definition, pre-defined patterns of experiences and interactions, starting points and affections were not self-honest, I have committed myself to STOP myself participating within such patterns and preventing myself to make the same mistakes again by giving into energetic experiences to be more than these actually are to the degree of disregarding actual reality, facts and in fact others as well.

I had multiple relationships previously, wherein I was convincing myself that my affection, sexual desire, exciting feelings towards someone is love actually, meanwhile it was not consistent, was based on polarity, based on what I perceive positive for myself and at the end all turned out to be not really being real, as a bubble – bursted in an instant. Then I was finding myself with this crappy experience and emotion of loss and sadness, when I realized that I was following a mirage in the desert which was not real, and eventually I had to wake up.
Or if I did not dare/want to wake up, then slowly accumulating manifested consequences showed me what’s really real, thus my delusions, confusion and self-dishonesty.

After walking some years of Self-forgiveness, I was postponing to head on to topics, which I believed to be ‘great’, ‘huge’, ‘difficult’, and I am sure the word and all my memories, associations and beliefs, desires and fears about it – and how I defined all of this in relation to the ‘size’ of this point to be honest about – that LOVE is the most difficult one, so I postponed until I could.

Currently walking into responsible life-partnership and I found myself being comfortable to hear, say and express LOVE as never before.

I even projected out my self-dishonesties about it towards my previous partners, and as they do not walk the very specific, disciplined and extremely effective Desteni I Process online course and structured awareness-support tools, they just could not understand why I have difficulty in relation to any form of connection to LOVE.

Nowadays I find myself much-much more grounded and trust-able in terms of what I decide and say, I will do, which is in a way also related to how to LIVE words, so that they are powerful, not just empty words, because if I say so, I do so as well.

So when I posted today pictures about my LOVED ONES – I specifically found myself comfortable and ready, open and stable about it to see/realize and understand what I mean by really LIVING these words, not as a feeling, as self-interest, as energy, as consciousness personality patterns, but actually bringing into reality of how I am re-defining of how to live LOVE.

I’ve been looking this word since quite a long time, even by investigating the context and story of Jesus, as ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself’, or ‘Give as you would like to receive’, which is a great support when I could become uncertain about how to relate or interact with others, or hey: even myself!

Many people forget this point that I should love myself, and many just say or assume they do, but it’s also a question of ‘what it actually and really means to love?’

Support:

Instead of focusing to a generically defined ‘overwhelming experience’ – how about to look at specifying self-expression?

Instead of focusing to the attraction experience itself toward my partner, which is about actually myself, focus to what actions, interactions, communications I initiate, move, direct and share in physical reality.

I mean, it’s common sense – any love which is only within my bucket of feelings – is meaningless and ONLY the action, the manifested consequence, what actually involves others can be real.

So, when couples keep saying ‘I love you’ all the time and they do not openly and honestly communicate, when there is spite, unsaid, unheard expectation, judgement, it’s better to talk about it and get to practical agreement and conclusion, otherwise any reoccurring thought-feeling-emotion pattern would just grow within the individual(s), thus the thought, word and action of Love is not exactly the same and that’s problem, a separation.

So, when I say LOVE – I check, if I am unified within thought, word and deed, what is common sense, what should be priority, how to manifest it and am I doing everything I can within the principles I’ve committed myself to exist in relation to myself, my family and the whole world?

Is there any hidden agenda, fear, uncertainty, judgement or desire what makes me think or feel automatically, and within those moments I am not fully present, directive and actually self-honest?

And it’s normal if something comes up, in relation to past, or in the present, or even about the future, this does not mean to live like a monk with being extremely focused all the time, like stretching a muscle to not fall out from presence – that’s also indication of resistance, fear for a reason – again: self-dishonesty.

Just to be able to open up a point when appears, while not fall into it, from stability and reliability to reactions and in case of I can’t re-align, forgive and solve it, I communicate, I ask for support, openly, honestly and directly.

For me walking DIP Agreement Course for more than a year literally meant to be able to learn a lot about myself, as everyone wants to establish love and partnership, relationship and agreement with a nice partner, but it actually starts with Self: to know myself enough, to answer what I really want, honestly, what parts, personalities, wants and fears within me I accept and allow and what of those are the points of self-dishonesty and how can I sort them out?

For instance jealousy – it can literally kill relationship and marriage. So how can I establish an agreement with myself first on how to deal with it in case of it would appear? And then I investigate what is this within me – before even having a partner, or if I already have, still, working on this point before the ‘thing’ would ‘happen’.
And I agree on what to do, how to solve it, how I stand and what is self-honest – BEFORE an emotional shit-storm would hit me and I would be overwhelmed, distracted and completely preoccuppied.

It’s just an example of how to work with agreement and my responsibility is my ‘loved ones’ and family, yes, but primarily is to be able to establish and live the same with myself first, as this might sound strange, to have relationship with myself, but exactly it is what can support, so when difficulties come, I am prepared and I can remain stable within the ‘love’ and ‘family’.

In a way – it’s maybe easier and more simple and direct to sort out when it’s about myself. For instance: although jealousy might 2 people’s point to solve, it’s something I accept within myself, therefore it’s entirely my responsibility to solve and in a way it does not matter how the other behaves. I still can establish what I accept and allow, or what we agree on and what to expect then, but it must be very clear communication to prevent any unforeseen and thus automatically escalating issue. Or to have an agreement between me and my partner on how to solve not yet agreed upcoming issues.

The thing is that if I rely to emotions and feelings of love to keep the relationship/marriage together, then I am actually relying to something what is not Self – as the happy feelings can come and go, and without those energies if I can’t remain stable and reliable, then I am just a rag doll in the wind. Especially if I don’t understand how and why feelings are within me in relation to the relationship, the other participant.

So, by looking the word love and what’s behind it within me, how to ensure that I stick to the ‘plan’ of Living and sharing my Love the best way possible, the purification and re-definition of the word itself is suggested.

Consider what are the conditions of your love towards your ‘loved ones’? Is there any? What is unconditional within it and what do you think why?

If I fear that the happy feeling would disappear when I would start asking these questions, because this might mean doubt, then I also should ask the question: Do I fully understand how a thought, an emotion or a feeling is being created, experienced, reacted to within my mind? What can I trust and why?

To think that all of my mind, thoughts and feelings are just good as they are ‘automatically’, that my family’s education, the world system’s imprinting was just perfect, so I am already the best version of myself and no need, no place for improvement – then I am maybe not honest with myself. Again, for a reason, what should be understood.

Enjoy, love, share:

Tala Joseph

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Day 333 – Worry and dealing with it

IMG_0532Today writing about Worry. I think I have been trough this recently.

I am stable in this moment, thus it’s time to look back, what was happening, why and to see, how to move forward from this.
I have committed myself to do several things of what I never did before and while finding my stable ground, learning practical experiences within these various ‘new’ areas, I am facing with some stumbling experience within.

I must clarify – I am much more stable than I ever was before, but still there is place for improvement, which might seem as some sort of obsession and mental fixation to strive for Self-Perfection, but it is nothing of that kind. It’s simply by looking into me and to answer the question –

Am I absolutely, brutally self honest about this very specific point I am looking at in this moment?

And if no, then I must change, otherwise I accumulate acceptance of self-dishonesty – willingly, which leads to where I exactly know what is, as I’ve been there before, that’s where I am actually ‘coming from’ here, also through this blog sharing, The Journey to Life, from self-dishonesty to dignity and honoring the best possible version of myself.
Recently I wrote a letter to someone, wherein I explained this (actually it’s a desteni interview with Gurdjieff, who I quoted, but that 2-3 minutes assisted me tremendously, thus I like to share it, maybe someone else also could find it supportive.)

The time for unification is here, I like this word, that’s why it’s my blog’s title as well, what I started in 2008: because if I put myself into and as these words:

I am already a unified man.

Then from this starting point I am able to see, feel and understand what I still have to open up, purify, remove and let go of from my core of my very being and thus to move forward, consistently without any doubt.

Worry, fear, doubt, uncertainty, fear of loss are certainly not unknown for me, especially within my conscious, thinking mind, thus I have the ability to deal with them in a way, what’s constructive and not just distraction and suppression, but actual, problem-preventive solution.
What I feel nowadays is a bit different, it’s more physical, deeper and direct as now my conscious mind is not blocking my way to do what I really want, but when I face with new situation, I can definitely hear my heartbeat in my ear and to realize that I only have myself in this moment to apply.

It’s similarly heightened experience, when one would imagine being in the jungle among wild animals and it’s about being in this moment, but not too afraid, because that would petrify or distract me.
It’s actually very self-empowering to see that who I really am is not really getting hurt or getting disappointed with rejections, mistakes or failures, as my current situation is not surviving in jungle against beasts, so it’s just a symbolism.

But still, there is this inherent, physical, resonant worry I feel and often it goes away as I move through it and I discover ‘an unknown’, I learn and expand, and some returns from time to time, until I do not become honest with myself about it and find a practical solution.
I used to be addicted to fear, at least a decade ago, I proudly shouted to anyone, I am not afraid of anything, but in fact, first and foremost, I was so afraid from myself, to be present, honest and truly open with myself. It’s so obvious, that if someone does not fear anyone, can face the worst in this world – they still can be afraid of themselves, it’s completely different scenario.

Actually, also myself, I was fueling my acting out as of not-fearing in the world by the inherent inner fear I constantly experienced on a physical, resonant level, just in relation and towards myself, here.
Sounds horrible, but I am sure of many, many people can relate to this, just maybe never explored their word-set to be able to write or say it as directly as exists.

Facing all I’ve ever done, from the nasty, the selfish, the evil – even if I am being considered as such a nice guy, each moment matters, not only in the mind, but within and as our physical body we accumulate. Each thought, feeling and emotion is being created, going through and essentially affecting, influencing, in a way transforming our own body, every day, hour and minute, constantly. Literally resonating, like a sound vibration energy, and thus, to believe that it does affect would be just unwise.

To be able to face, understand, stop and start changing our conscious mind, when the so praised ‘no thoughts’ can start to expand is just the first step within true transcendence of self-dishonesty and self-limitation.
It is, and always was and will be, our human physical body, the source and destination, which through – and as – we only can truly live in each moment.

After(and still) walking Desteni I Process courses since several years now, I see, that there is so much ahead, but without these years I’ve already walked, I still would be lost within my mind.

So, in short: physical body support, there are many more minds to transcend. The greatest ever made online ‘university‘ about transcendence, true psychology and the science of the human psyche is obviously EQAFE.COM.
There is nothing even slightly similar online what could be compared to this vast amount of theoretical and practical information database about how humans work from the consciousness and mind level.

I am grateful that this exists, especially the group behind it, who are truly inspirational within their consistent and restless effort to keep sharing more and more refined and relevant interviews to support real change and the betterment of humanity.
This is what I am going to do also: for my personal experience, resonant worry, facing the physical mind, to be able to take responsibility for this type of self-resistance and limitation, I check for interviews at EQAFE.COM.

After a minute, I’ve found a lot of support about worry:
https://eqafe.com/p/self-forgiveness-on-the-experience-of-worry

I just read this aloud several pages – I understand more about the nature of my worry, as walking through various aspects, starting points and dimensions of worry and I saw my own fear of loss, wanting to control, which then I can open up further to assist and support myself to be able to use my time much more effectively than spending it to useless, actually counter-productive worry.

So, even when I am not actively thinking about, still worry can be result of participating within it in the past and can be triggered by scenarios, experiences and it might even seems to be so direct that I could believe(justify) that this is so inherent that it’s part of me, who I am, but in fact it’s self-dishonesty to say something like that.

Also when people, parents justify their worry to the point of becoming ineffective, it’s self-dishonest.
I also see now, to look after a child, and when does something dangerous in the moment, it’s kind of scary, I have to jump to catch him, otherwise would suffer an accident. But I see that worry does not help, rather to be on point, disciplined, focused, present and to ensure that I do all I can to prevent the problems I would worry about.

  • So this is also a great way to transform, re-define worry, to use it creatively, with active, self-directed imagination, not that I would allow it to roam free and I become this worry-wart.
  • When I see worry, I stop, see what is the nature, subject and relationship of it and I see what I can do to ensure, this is prevented?And to also actually see, that there is place for worry if I am not doing everything I can to prevent the thing I worry about to happen.

Well, it’s actually common sense, as if I do all I can, there is no place and time for worry, right?

  • So whenever I worry, it’s a cross-referencing self-reflection point of I am not focusing to solution/prevention, thus I should re-align, self-forgive and initiate self-directed action.

Another support about worry:

Yes, for these interviews/documents, there is a price, but if I look at that an ordinary dinner in Europe is about 15-20 Euro, so to be able to stand up to and learn a lot about how to deal with worry, for a lifetime – I’d gladly support those, who do every day work for these interviews to become on-line(they are no corporation, no government support, just some very cool people)

Day 332 – Patience and commitment

IMG_2295Continuing with Patience and discipline. This is a kind of ‘ranting’.

Last time I was writing about the inspiration about and to learn to live PATIENCE.

I am currently living patience by consistently applying the things I’ve committed to do every day within a consistent velocity to accumulate the effort until the result is manifested in the physical.

In a way, the topic, the method, the practical detail is not even relevant, but who I am within this and how I perceive, experience, see, feel and am being in general is what I want to focus here tonight.

Interesting to be able to see the abstract – yet still remain 100% practical with ground to earth moments living here in physical.

Patience is pretty much related to the physical flesh, the matter: it’s consistency, in a way – predictability is the perfect self-reflection tool to exactly be able to see who I really am without any consciousness mind noise. Actions speak, facts tell, not thoughts, neither feelings.

Of course, it’s relevant how I feel, but it’s not something to take granted or to use as reference point – especially when dealing with self-dishonesty within.

Every day I ask myself the question – can I do more for what I committed to achieve? And if I say ‘no’ – then I still cross-reference – really? Or I just answer to myself to feel better to hide or disregard or to shadow a point, even if it’s just tiny, of what I still could have tried or done additionally or differently.

Doubting myself would be self-sabotage actually, if I would fall into self-criticism so much, that the resulting reactions, frustrations would distract, obstruct me from remaining on point of effectiveness.

So, I am learning a different kind of patience as before.

And the more I see not being good enough based on the world I interact with, the less I doubt, that I am re-committing myself to continue with my decision to live it within disciplined principle.

In a way, I also can see, that there is this HUGE UNKNOWN at my door all the time, and it’s kind of heart-throbbing, I find myself present with myself, with empty mind, nothing to bring or use with me when facing it, and then I do – and realize – it is myself I discover, face and get to know. Today, literally I had this experience, being totally alone in all of existence, facing this kind of semi-anxiety, yet excitement, and to see that I only can and should trust myself and there is nothing else, so I applied: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get distracted with reactions from what’s here and I wrote words what I direct myself to live and I breathe – and in a minute, it was very stable again. But it was very fascinating to see that if I start to judge, define, relate and compare this ‘self’ experience and expression, I can completely mess it up and thus myself too. But it was alright, to risk, to make mistake, to learn, to discover. And so I did.

And the funny thing about seeing it as scary: it’s because it is suddenly here: everything I always wanted to avoid, hide, escape from, and within walking right into it’s center, another funny thing I realize: that the real scare is not actually facing and embracing my fears, but to discover what is behind them.

I always believed that the undefined is where I will find myself, freedom and power, because all of my definitions I’ve proven to be limited, delusional and self-dishonest. However, the more I decompose of my self-definitions, the merrier it’s common sense to re-define myself in a structured, self- and life-honoring way.

Thus, patience is not something I run out of, discipline is not something I get tired from, or commitment is not something I lose being motivated from, because within the re-definition there is no energy, polarity or self-dishonesty. Why should I define in a way where I am not able to live words the best possible and supportive way? And if still there is something not practical, it will be obvious within applying it and then I re-adjust, re-define, and then re-align within my application until it’s being cross-referenced in the living flesh, in and as this world. Fascinating.

This process, of walking the self-honesty, self-forgiveness and self-purification with words, to re-define the words and to learn how to honour life, self and others equally with common sense is the truth I am sharing, because this is who I am and encouraging everyone to consider, investigate and also invest into, because each of our process is different in their life, but we all are walking the same: from self-limitation to self-honesty and self-liberation.

And if you have method, process, way to be more honest, supportive and caring, please do so, just ensure that you are cross-referencing and be absolutely, even brutally honest with yourself, that you are not deluding with some energy, positive, feeling or hope-based bubble, because eventually all bubbles burst.

It’s so simple: I have thoughts, feelings, emotions – all word-based – and if I can’t describe what I feel, experience with words – it’s already an indication that I am suppressing, not being honest with myself, I am unable to see myself directly – thus means I am separated from myself, I am not the director of my life, I am not honest with myself, therefore I utilize the process with words to discover, establish and get to know what is this thing called ‘me’ exactly.

Writing is great, because I stabilize, I slow down, I focus, I discipline, I direct, I move. And it remains here. Use that, enjoy that, honour that and ask yourself the question:

Is there something you could do better – at all – any tiny thing? Why not doing it, what’s the excuse? Is it valid? How and why?

What do you really want, desire the most, or what you resist, despise or fear the greatest? Why, and how?

These are things I should consider starting with.

Patience is key, no matter what is the topic, but to actually live it, I have to remove distractions, polarities, self-dishonesty. Thus consistent application, every day 3 minutes is great, and if you can’t do, ask why? Is it real? Are you real? Do you want to be?
What’s real? Science, religion would tell? Why? Can’t I figure out, trying to live it?
Why not?
Limitation is not in the physical, it’s in the mind. Deal with that!

In terms of my current ‘real life’ process – I sometimes see distractions, which are like ‘tentacles from my past’ – when I focus to the other person and I start wonder what’s up, I realize, I am not focusing to my responsibilities, thus I breathe, I re-align. And when I am ‘here’ – I can initiate communication, but not with the reaction ‘energy’, rather than with curiosity, to see how can I support and understand more.

This approach also helps to understand that if something is not ‘ideal’ – is that something I can or should ‘fix’ – or it’s just some thought-emotion-pattern temptation I am facing.

For instance to return to the previous example: when I start question about other(s) doing what they should or are doing all right or not – if I go into worry, fear, remember some bad shit memory and I feel falling for even one moment – then I can give into the energy – which is also a cool indication that this is related to something I just participated within.
Thus, to stop, breathe, re-align and to see – what I was thinking, what was the trigger situation, thought, visual or just memory I am automated by to go into distraction.

For-giving myself is like unification with creator, created and creation itself.

Absolutely mind-blowing to do!

And again – distraction also can be turned into gift if I note it, write it down, remember, investigate it, because it’s always a full context, story and often even multi-dimensional pattern or construct I live in my mind. And it mostly distracts, diverts, pulls me away from reality, others, actual situations, thus I should be able to recognize it before I go out of sync with reality.

It might not seem as problematic if it’s just a moment, or more, but as everything in existence: this also accumulates.

Imagine driving and texting together – the more I text, the less I can drive safely and effectively. Maybe I will be all right, maybe I will miss a critical moment to prevent tragedy.

All of this I just mention, because

  • I can ‘work’ on qualities within self from multiple angles: focusing to specific words, situations to open up, understand, forgive and let go the dishonest patterns, re-define and change;
  • and also can focus to do the same with the meanwhile upcoming distractions, temptations, reactions.

The mind can be very throughout to be able to constantly preoccupy my presence, but the more I deal with it, I can realize that the mind is not the enemy, and the more I embrace, understand and be able to change it, the more it is a structured support in terms of when it moves, I don’t thus indicates self-dishonesty in a very systematic way.

And to learn that to read, deal with is essential life-skill, for which DESTENIIPROCESS.COM is crucial.

Re-defining words 

Day 331 – Living Patience

IMG_2397Re-evaluating and re-defining patience as Patience is Life

Since some weeks I am living with a person, who I see as being able to express extreme amount of patience and kindness and I was wondering about myself in the same situation.
When I told her how I find her expression about this as exemplary, she told me that she thinks that this is just normal thing, but according to my experience, understanding and knowledge, what she is living within stability is extraordinary. Quite inspiring and somewhat a wake up call for myself to see/realize and understand that my previous and current definition and expression of patience is quite limited, conditional and still based on self-interest. That’s why it’s my responsibility to decompose those patterns my personality/mind/memories/patterns consisting of in relation to the word Patience and to purify and re-define to prepare myself for Living Patience.

As I see, it is a decision, that what I commit myself to stand for and then within that standing I am unwavering, constant and consistent, no matter what.
For instance – patience with a kid. I’ve seen many examples about lack of patience parents showing, that seemed as normal, and although I easily could ‘judge’ them, also the same way I could ‘justify’ their actions, or let’s say the ‘fallacy’ into impatience, which is: not standing with and as the decision within action of what the person realized about what would be the best for the child.

Justification or excuse, such as ‘tiredness’, ‘distraction’, ‘it’s normal’, ‘a human thing’, ‘the child was nasty’, etc happens every day, yet there are people who are living Patience in relation to a point – about teaching, business, gardening, or within our example: ‘parenting’ – in a way, wherein no justification or excuse could influence the living action of Patience.
As I grew up, it was ‘normal’ to shout at the child, even hit them, which now seems so brutal and in theory many people agree that never shout/hit should be the ‘ideal’ way, yet a lot of parents admit that they can shout to the child in a not supportive way or even hit them to make them do what they want the child to do. And after all, even being able to justify it, thus they don’t feel bad afterwards.

For me this was always a point to ‘solve’ – I hated when my family grownups did hit me, in a way I lost my trust to them, or realized they are not really that great,  so I was sure I would never hit a child, yet I was not aware of how to be that patient to be able to live that decision as well in the way what stands for the child’s support. Well, now I see that point with the person I share life with and she lives these words directly in the flesh, thus she not only inspires me, but also supports me with realizing a lot about this and the re-definition and living words as well.

Much more to be investigated about this…

By asking her about it, she revealed that within Living Patience, she simply does not focus to her point of view, but considering the child, who needs support, and from that, it’s irrelevant of how much time it will take of her to give that specific support the child requires, but simply to express that, thus, in this sense, time does not matters or exists at all.

It’s interesting to realize that with a simple re-alignment of the definition of a word, how much it’s living expression can change.
Instead of me, as I used to see, consider, ‘expand’ and ‘strengthen’ my patience before according to my own patience in relation to how much time I must ‘endure’ stuff I’ve previously defined as not cool and ‘has to be given’ or even ‘sacrificed’ – according to my own self-interest; the solution is to focus to the person I am supporting, and then it’s not about my definition, level of patience actually, yet in reality, this is how I Live Patience Unconditionally.

And I might or will have resistances to live the word like that, but then it’s not that I have to ‘grow’ my patience, but to simply purify myself from giving into temptations of NOT TO LIVE PATIENCE. Fascinating.

By looking my ‘previous’ definition of the word, it was also polarity-based, quantity-based: how much, how long I can ‘maintain’ patience. Self-interest, according to what is good for me.

The re-definition is without polarity, without amount, positive or negative: simply to live and express, what’s supportive for the person I commit myself to support.

That’s why the self-introspection, investigation and re-definition of words is so important.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that I’ve been looking, interpreting, defining and expressing words on the physical level based on my interest, of what I think as good for me, or what I think would be good for others, but only through the filter of ‘what I think’ according to my interest only.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve been looking and expressing the word Patience through and with Energy, as believing that Patience has to be fueled, and thus can last, and then ‘run out’ and then I am ‘impatient’ and not realizing that this is still reflecting back pure self-interest, because if the Patience is in relation to someone else, then I only can live it until I can be patient, and then I ‘automatically’ become the complete opposite, as impatient, and thus I can’t support with that unreliability within consistency, thus I actually not live patience at all.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that Patience can be seen through the decision to stand with or for someone or something and then to live and express in living action, it’s not about me only, and thus when applying consistently what is required to live my decision, it’s not running out, or if I feel so, then it is a temptation and distraction to give up and I can see that and deal with it, but still live the Patience in relation to the initial decision to do/support/live something I stand for.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I got comfortable to justify and accept excuses within my thinking and energetically feeling patterns about why not need to live and apply patience in relation to someone or something and actually believing those justifications and excuses to be valid and/or never question, cross-reference those to see that I am lying to myself, not honoring myself and the decision, the person I decided to support.

I forgive myself that I have not got effective, structured and consistent with dealing with, walking through and remain unwavering in regarding to temptations of give up decision and patience, due to self-interest, and not realizing that it’s about decision, technique and consistent application without self-judgement.

I forgive myself that I have got ‘cocooned’ into the belief system that this world is cruel and I have to think for myself and I must consider myself first and only support others, if I am feeling good already, while not considering that ‘me feeling good’ is also related to a belief system, what with I can abuse this point in regarding to self-interest with completely remaining certain of that ‘I can’t do anything’.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the priority to ‘feel good’ is a deception, because I focus to internal, thought-initiated, self-generated feelings to follow, not principle, discipline and actual decisions, such as support, be patient with/for someone, because ‘it feels difficult’ – and just, because it feels so, justifying that I can’t or should not do it.

I commit myself to stop living and making decisions according to what I feel, because it can be result of already self-created, self-believed justification system in order to hide from responsibilities and living honoring all life equally, with priority of what is actually here, for instance family.

I commit myself to remove any and all self-interest from the definition of Patience word, and trust and honor myself with the decisions I make to stand with.

I honor myself and others with sticking to my decisions and support I stand for and effectively deal with temptations, justifications and excuses within consistency through applying self-honesty, self-forgiveness, writing, and if needed, to ask for assistance and share.

I commit myself to Live Patience within supporting someone in regarding to be able to see what’s best for the individual, but cross-referenced, discussed with related persons to ensure that what I do is really supportive and then live that patience without giving into excuses, without energy, but as a living decision of who I am as living support unconditionally, until it’s required and practical common sense.

I am grateful for all the support and patience I got from others and I see that giving back is natural self-expression; and it is actually an enjoyment, as a decision to live to giving back to other persons, the world, nature and in overall existence.

For instance to see that with living the Patience in regarding to supporting someone and to see the individual stabilize, grow and expand – it is the connection as life with ‘me in another life’, thus actually I am equal and one with the person I live Patience in regarding to support.

Day 330 – Directing Self-change

What I find as crucial within directing self-change and literally facing the unknown within (myself) and without(in the world) is to establish direct self-communication, self-honesty and self-agreement.
Since about 2 weeks, I’ve stripped away myself from about 2/3 of my habits I’ve participated before. Well, it’s still within finding balance and evaluating what’s still relevant and what was due to distraction and avoidance and it’s genuinely an enjoyment to find the values, interests and motivations within the activities I still do, plan to continue or going to introduce.
What’s clear is that there are no addictions, frustrations, worries, anxieties or fears surfacing, that is due to the exceptional support I’ve got and walked myself equally from DesteniIProcess online course and the individuals of the community.
It’s truly inspiring to see others also to walk their self-change into reality, wherein they stop various emotional, mental and even physical problems with walking the same blog/vlog and self-forgiveness, self-commitment, self-corrective statement structure within consistently.
Also relevant to note that I’ve been living in a quite of a defensive mechanism before, which I am releasing and letting go, especially in relation to allowing myself to feel, express and enjoy; trust, share and directly live and for that I am honored and grateful for my partner.
Furthermore, to face and direct self within change, by my recent participation within this year’s European Desteni Meetup, I’ve got support for my being/mind/body ‘unification’ by spending time with Sunette Spies, who greatly assisted me to bring up the points I really needed to hear:
To purify, re-define and live the words of planning, consideration, structure, organize and stability, while to enjoy, express and also to have fun!
After all, what is the self-change I am directing? Exactly to live these words! I see some points within myself as I’ve been stuck since quite a while, but did not consider before that it’s because I was not structuring, planning and considering within the context of REALITY AWARENESS.
I used to – unconsciously – trust within my gut, the system, others, which was an inverted way to hide from ‘LACK of SELF-TRUST‘, due to not being stable, not enjoying myself and the directions I’ve managed to find myself within and in overall the suppression of my natural self-expression due to fear from manifesting irreversible consequences.
Writing this blog, to see what I am still holding within my mind, the points, that are not ‘here’ – not ‘supporting’ and not ‘really relevant’ – and then to apply self-forgiveness is greatly assisting to be exactly aware of my reality within and without as well.
Since a while, as being in a relationship, starting to see that I am beyond my previous partnership, certainly, also in relation to the points I’ve faced about myself with the individual who I was with, but the actual points, issues I was not taking responsibility for are still ‘waiting’ to be lived within self-correction and self-change.
For instance, providing stable support, reliability, trust, honesty, loyalty and to direct open and effective communication are key within establishing a mutually supportive and greatly enjoyable agreement/partnership.
By walking DIP Agreement course (http://desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships) – I was supported to go through many of the aspects of a honest and supportive relationship already, but all the realizations, acknowledgements, decisions I’ve made are now, in a way ‘ready to be lived’.
Of course, being flexible and not getting lost on the path by also being aware of the principle and direction(be kind with each other and give as would like to receive within equality and oneness, investigate all things and keep what is best for all participants) – it’s every day something to face, correct and expand with.
Beyond the structure, planning and all the stabilization, which I’ve postponed already too long, so actually enjoying to do nowadays, considering an also very important aspect: to have fun and enjoy.
Previously I’ve easily managed to stop having fun by bothering myself with problems, what I did not take responsibility for, and instead of focusing to solution, I’ve reacted, spent time within frustration or becoming obsessed with some perfection in my mind, completely unrelated to reality – it’s actually no fun.
But to realize that it’s all up to me and thus I can change my attitude, starting point and expression: it’s something I am honored to do with the motivation for something greater than me actually, as there are others in my life, which again: supports with stabilization of the mind, equalization for the excitement from word-emotion-energy-based automatic triggers towards self-honest movement-based physical expression.
This is where I am currently, and thanks for reading.

Day 329 – Changing ‘Change’

IMG_2552s(Changing and enjoyment)

In my last blog post I ended up opening up beauty point in relation to power.
The more I focused to the word beauty in relation to the point I was initially motivated to purified by, the more I started to move effectively beyond reactions to beauty.
Well, that was, is, and going to be the plan – to not get distracted by overwhelming experiences, but yet being able to embrace, feel, resonate and move accordingly within the awareness of the current context I am finding myself within.

In relation to the person I initially was overwhelmed by distractions, reactions and thought-patterns about beauty, there is expression, exploration of self-movement and direction.
This is a change. And change is always uncertain, thus I had to realize that I am also changing in relation to change. Strange note, but that’s the ‘beauty’ – within decomposing and re-defining words: we can get to the very small building blocks of our personality, self-definition and to see how it’s actually working.
Just like in science exists ‘fuzzy logic’, which is a

“Fuzzy logic is a form of many-valued logic, which is employed to handle the concept of partial truth, where the truth value may range between completely true and completely false.”

If I exchange ‘true’ with positive and ‘false’ with negative – then it’s like a human individual’s interest.
And within fuzzy logic, there is Rule Matrix: that are, within the human language: words. Words build relationships, conditions, reactions, real program code, even when we are not aware of each of them.
So, with decomposing the thought-patterns, the definitions, and even the definition of definitions, if one has stable, consistent compass, direction, anchor and starting point – can turn all of one’s perception and world upside down and can decompose, self-liberate and then re-define oneself, literally word by word.
Within that – change – as a word, experience and action is quite an important one, as within the world, even within one’s mind and body – change is consistent. Inevitable. Thus, seems quite important, to also investigate one’s memories, automatic reactions, definitions and conditions ‘attached’ to this word.

Is there any fear, resistance towards any specific aspect, topic or part of me, what I do not want/dare/like to face, walk through? That is self-limitation and within practical common sense, it’s something, what should not be accepted, justified or protected.

Previously had tremendous amount of resistances toward changes, what I was not anticipating before.
Something thought-based and emotionally reacted had to occur in order to anticipate in a comfortable way, what was, at least to say ‘smoothing my path’ through all the uncertainties of facing the unknown during the ‘change’ phase.

So, in overall, my very relationship to the word, the action and actual experience of ‘change‘ is very specific, preordained and somewhat predictable.

Within change, as I mentioned before, I had to have this emotional involvement, a kind of ‘smooth high’, an ‘excitement’ to face the uncertainty, uncomfortability and unpredictability, what can come with change.

As I see, it’s related to lack of self-trust and clarity – as I was not trusting myself that I will be able to face and ‘handle’ situation ahead, I needed some extra stimulation, which originated from specific thoughts.

That I am not clearly seeing yet, thus I apply self-forgiveness to open up this point to see it more clearly.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to clearly see why and what I use to cope with change to compensate something not comfortable within myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the stress and anxiety I experience while facing unknown, challenge within trusting myself, and because of that stress, frustration: fear, I defined that I need a certain type of experience to compensate: as within my own self-defined mind’s fuzzy logic word-based rule-set: for balance out, equate with the ‘negative'(false) value I ‘automatically’ generated, I also automatically started to activate the ‘positive'(true) definition system.
    I forgive myself that I have not realized that my mind’s fuzzy logic system as false as negative, true as positive is completely self-created, not relevant to world and actual reality, but for my own relationship with myself in regarding to specific words, situations, experiences, conditions, here – change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve allowed to automatically focus to ‘positive’ experiences as not wanting to face and avoiding ‘negative’ experiences, thus trying to escape those, and not questioning and answering the actual real world relevance of my priority to ‘positive’ against ‘negative’, and within that not realizing that resisting negative is always something I should be cautious about and to ask immediately: why and how.
    I forgive myself that I have not realized that ‘avoiding’ negative actually means being owned by my own resistances and thus giving away my direction, power, movement and expression to something I am responsible for.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve accustomed to certain behavior with specific personalities to avoid ‘negative’ and within that avoidance still create ‘positive’ – and when facing, directing, living change – this behavior and personalities are not ‘protecting’ my interest anymore to avoid reality.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that resisting change is to resist facing the self-defined polarity system within me automatically influencing, directing me to a way what I have no power over, thus actually I am resisting to embrace an aspect of myself already existing within and as myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that resisting change is self-separation due to the polarity mind work definition/judgement system within through words, thoughts, emotional reactions, therefore not existing, expressing, moving and living as unified, as a whole, but as of refractions, defined by my self-defined relationships in my mind.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the extent of self-limitation due to polarity-based self-definition personality system, the lack of self-direction, self-stability, actual self-honesty, therefore not really seeing the point to self-investigate, self-purify, self-change – therefore it is crucial to continue opening up points within me, writing, sharing, walking through all the systems I find within and forgive myself unconditionally.

to be continued

 

Free Self-honesty course to direct self-change:

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 328 – Beauty continued to decompose

IMG_2251-EditContinuing with beauty. Particularly supportive this at the moment in my life.

Not as I would have problem with beauty or experience something beautiful, I guess it is quite nice. However who I am as life within absolute self-honesty brings up the realization and necessity of purifying this word: beauty to be able to directly experience, live and express without polarity, memories from the past, desires to the future, but anchored into and as this moment, right here, in and as the physical.

Why always bringing up the word and specificity of ‘physical‘?

What do I mean beauty in relation to the physical? Certainly sounds as I would mean to judge someone’s appearance according to the physical image. But it’s quite not.

It is NOT TO judge the person through the mind, about the interpretation of the physical picture, as beyond that there is equality existing on the physical substance awareness level.

In the current world, culture, or even ‘ancient scriptures’ – this is barely mentioned.

Everything of this system guides truth seekers towards consciousness, energy, mind, the light, visuals, bliss and beauty, but the real and ultimate reality is within and as the physical substance awareness level. That is why it is crucial, highly recommended and absolutely supportive to at least grasp this paradigm, which is quite frankly, within it’s full spectrum, still only shared through EQAFE.com, supported with courses of http:/desteniiprocess.com. That is why I keep mentioning it, not of any personal agenda, it’s that awesome! Even with the fact that some interviews are only available for some dollars. Well, running such a website has some costs and the individuals are uploading are normal people, no corporation, government or billionaire behind it. So, for me, it’s rather EQAFE to spend to than for beer or fancy latte in a posh uptown groovy place.

During my entire life, since I’ve gained consciousness, I was looking for answers, truth and actual power, and everything is here, with me, in and as my human flesh also, as that is the only gate, the key which through I can really live. No matter, how beautiful visions, feelings I can experience, but if not lived in the flesh, then it’s just a stimulating simulation. That is why this process of transformation with words within the Journey to Life.
And indeed, takes 7 years, and actually more, but it is the greatest investment one can have as it is directly self here.

This self-purification and re-definition process can open up a more direct experience, relationship, communication and expression, which is not based on what I like and what I do not like, but something much more.

Thus, I become aware of the pattern by being honest with myself through for-GIVING myself the clarity of where and why, how and when I specifically give into self-dishonesty and I genuinely want to stop participating within those patterns. And if I stop, then I can be free of such self-limitation.

My entire life has been vastly stimulated by the idea of beauty, I was also compromising myself to gain, experience and trying to get hooked to the energetic reactions I’ve defined as positive feedback to my own self-created idea of beauty, beautiful, as value, as identity.

The fact that I needed and wanted to be stimulated by experience and feelings in relation to beauty indicates that I am separated from the meaning of beauty through these mind-and thought, and energetic feeling processes, therefore I can only become one and equal with beauty itself, through the mind, but still separated from me. And that is a trap, never satisfying, always changing, unreliable starting point to live by. Therefore to decompose all those thought, reaction patterns and to allow to be vulnerable, to be open and directly embrace and experience the things – beyond beauty. And then to explore, what and how I could re-define beauty, the word and the EXPRESSION, not just an experience of beauty without polarity, to be able to live it without separation and limitation. It’s quite extraordinary process. Just as with each words. That is I walk here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a ‘balancing out’ mode in my mind according to beauty, as whenever I recognize the pattern that I went into judging someone based on looks, such as ‘she is good looking’ – and then to say ‘and she is also beautiful within’. Or ‘she has no beautiful body, but within, she is beautiful. Or ‘she is beautiful, but her pants is ugly’ – meaning there is polarity, good and bad – according to my own preference, thus interest.

I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself to acknowledge that when I go into the ‘beauty within’ about a person, I am balancing out the polarity system in my mind from the judgement of the look, the picture, the image of a person, to be able to make myself believe that I am not only considering the image, the picture, as that would make me feel as someone not profound, only looking the visual and not the actual being within and not realizing that this is all self-manipulation and justification to keep judging based on positive and negative and relate to that within self-interest automatically, and within that not realizing the inherent self-acceptance for pure self-interest existing on a subconscious level.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the value is not real, of what I give into beauty and being attracted to experiences, persons of interest about that self-defined beauty energetic experience to be able to be triggered, because this value is only based on my pre-defined judgements. If I would not be able to recall my definitions, memories, I would lose the entire ‘beauty construct’, thus also indicating, I never really actually ‘had’ it, but I made myself being able to constantly and consistently re-create these patterns within me to experience beauty, through my mind, but never directly – and without asking why not? What is the fear, the loss I do not want to embark to?

I forgive myself that I have not realized that beauty itself is just a word, and what meaning I give to it, that defines and creates my experience, my expression and actual living about it, thus if it is based on compensation, fear, then that will always be part of it, and thus me, which in itself is not the beauty definition I really would like to live.

I forgive myself that I have not realized how and when and why I define myself as opposite of beauty, wanting to be beautiful, but feeling that I can’t, therefore wanting to find a source of beauty so to speak to be able to any time judge it as beautiful, therefore experience beauty and within that not seeing when and why I do that, as when lacking it, or automatically accepting self-definition about defining myself not beautiful, not nice, ugly, unattractive and not realizing that whole construct I never yet explored, forgiven and transcended, because believing that is not significant in my life, but if it is still existing, influencing me today, then it is surely a priority to deal with.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to re-define my rate of beauty according to norms in the world, society, movies, magazines, and based on that seeing some parts of my visual representation as not as perfect as it could be, therefore should be, yet not really doing anything about it, but only judging myself, because within self-honesty, I also see that I should not try to ‘make myself to be more beautiful’ as it is based on a delusion, a fear, and if I would start to act upon it, that would mean that I am more fucked that I can feel myself when simply defining myself not beautiful.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the main reason of the whole addiction to experiencing beauty as not trusting myself, not loving myself, not LIVING myself unconditionally to my utmost potential consistently, therefore instead of doing all I can, when not doing so, judging myself as ‘bad boy’, and within that judge experience activating inner conflict, based on the actual and real self-acceptance within the starting point of doubt, fear – and to deal with that inner conflict, to manipulate and stimulate myself into experiences, for instance with beauty, and here, as what is acceptable in the world system for instance, to ‘have a beautiful partner’. Or to be around people I could automatically judge as beautiful, therefore feeling the value and experience it and no need to look into myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within looking beauty outside of me, I am not taking responsibility for the inner conflict I allow and create and within that also realizing that why need to be beautiful and within that also not realizing that beauty is power as I defined it, therefore compensating power with it.

Within beauty what Power I want to have access to?

Obviously attraction, respect and also more chance to success and better support from others, although not really consciously.

This is also kind of key, especially towards leadership, so I stop here for now, and will continue to decompose the patterns just unfolded.

Meanwhile, enjoy breath, and do not allow self-interested beauty to take over the practical common sense.

Also not the best to balance out beauty with simply saying ‘everyone is beautiful, or a glass of water is beautiful too’, etc – that is still compensating, eventually will create the same construct within. So better to walk through this once and for all.
And yes, beyond, after and through that, still one can express beauty, live beauty, but not in a self-limiting, craving, common sense-blinding way.

Each and every single one of us has to see to what extent should walk through the self-limiting mind patterns, this is mine, do not compare it to yours, best to be just absolutely self-honest with yourself and you can discover what is self-dishonest and thus should be stopped.

After a decade of this process, life is still not ‘easier’ but my goodness, a million times simpler as now starting to be able to KNOW myself and how to deal with points, when to apply how much effort to change a pattern, a behavior, to stop a worry, a fear, a pre-judgement, a self-limitation. Maybe someone else never had any self-dishonesty about beauty, can be(but still worth a try to check). So, that is it for now, thanks, enjoy, bye.