Day 327 – A beauty point

IMG_2225I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value and worth, power and energy into the design of judgement of beauty, as distraction, as self-interest, as self-definition and not realizing that this pattern, behavior and act separates from my self-created subject of my judgement, what I call beautiful and not being honest with myself within that to see – it is a fear to be one and with it or with the being, the person for a reason I did not yet want/dare/believed to be relevant explore, but within self-honesty, I should.

I forgive myself that I have not realized and being honest with myself to see/realize/understand that within me, beauty is a compensation for doubt, lack of self-trust and fear in a way I did not yet named, worded, became honest with myself in relation to.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the act of judgement of beauty is a gift for cross-referencing within me of what I am not yet standing absolutely within myself, thus it is not to be judged, suppressed, denied or projected away, but to embrace, be brutally honest with myself and take care of it as creator of my existence.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that fearing to be overwhelmed by beauty, to be mesmerized, controlled is self-dishonesty, because within seeing this relationship, I accept it, allow it to ‘happen’ while also seeing that this is not absolutely the greatest of my utmost potential, yet not doing everything I could to understand it further, deeper to be able to take responsibility for it and change my starting point and thus stop the self-created separation with the subject of my judgement of beauty.

I forgive myself that I have been afraid to lose the appreciation and enjoyment of beauty in this world, and within that also compensating with associating, thinking about, bringing up, reminding myself with horror to think, that if there is any horror or abuse, how could real and true, genuine and honest beauty exist, and with this construct being able to blame myself for defining something as beautiful, also manipulating myself to feel also bad and all the while not realizing that all of these are mind-games and nothing to do -at all- to live enjoyment of something I like, or not enjoying something I dislike, because it is based on patterns, judgements, thoughts, energetic experiences, feelings, emotions and not direct self-expression, self-movement, self-direction, thus all being in a way totally fake, and also on another way – seeing this too, yet not letting all go, not finding practical ways to stop participating in my mind, which is then from time to time making me realize that I am still self-dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense and the simplicity to purify my words, here: BEAUTY, to let go, get rid of and remove all associations with polarity system and also the very need and self-definition statements I am still unconsciously/consciously holding onto in regarding to any value, power or experience about beauty to be able to stand and not be controlled by any idea of any association to beauty, but to assist and support myself and others equally to live life without self-interest and the delusion of separation.

Day 326 – Desteni meeting in Europe

IMG_1833Some weeks ago I was in Brussels, where I met with a lot of people, who are, just like me, walking the process of Self-honesty and 7 years Journey to Life blogs. Most, if not all of these people are also walking the awesome online courses of Desteni I Process.

We were more than two dozens and many other Europeans still could not come, but it was already extraordinary to see and even hug so many people, who are behind these blogs I read and to just enjoy being with them, together.

Well, I knew some of them from previous meetups, but most of them I only knew from what they are sharing online through their blogs and vlogs, articles and videos on their social network profiles – just like me.

By the nature of these writings and videos, which is of self-realization, self-honesty, self-correction and self-forgiveness, the deeper understanding of what these individuals are dealing within their life, their mistakes, falls and standing ups, their secret mind, the points they do or do not like within themselves,  and this openness really supports to establish a more direct, honest and intimate communication as almost literally being able to read their minds can quite reveal the nature of their deeper selves, which naturally manifests a more honest relationship with them.

Because we could talk all day about the weather, but if about self and problems and solutions, then it is much less superficial and more real connection.

What becomes obvious quite immediately is that these are ‘every day’ people, they have a profession, a personal life, they talk, they smile, they hug and sharing a vast variety of expressions, quite naturally.

Everyone, literally anyone of this meeting I’ve talked with, I was able to have a direct, deep and meaningful conversation, often came to context of explaining an intimate point either something supporting, such as expansion or realization or a limitation, a fear, or something not so cool or a self-dishonesty and talking about how to approach a solution.

I could easily call this meeting as the opposite of superficial conversations as everyone was enjoying to become open and kind of brutally honest and it is something I value very much and I can experience it here and there back at home too, but within this ‘density’ I’ve never experienced before as at this meeting.

What became clear from the first moment is that all of us are walking through our own mind, self-dishonesty since quite some years, and we are realizing that although we each are walking completely different life path, also we are birthing the exact same quality of life force into physical expression. And this is like a real brotherhood without the blood-connection, but as a self-honesty, direct life-force connection.

Many claim that we exist as a cult, which always was, is and ever will be a ridiculous claim, and the exact proof for it was this meeting for anyone to realize that this is about simplicity, practical common sense and humbleness as we are able to see within each the same life potential as within ourselves. But to be able to honor that within others, first I have to uncover, purify and birth it to live myself.

There were a LOT of insightful conversations, also beings through the Portal with Sunette and shared points to consider, realize and live, such as realizing how ridiculous is to be mesmerized and stopped by fear of death, or to be able to own my own life and take authority on things I’ve went through and realized, manifested and lived.
It was very humbling experience to see everyone to get and even give direct support and how extraordinary and casual it was.
I’ve also got so more points to reflect back, cross-reference and work with to continue walking through and stopping inner resistances, self-limitations, self-definitions and energetic stimulations, which I am going to continue walk here.

The founder guy of this kind of expression, principle, movement was Bernard Poolman and many ‘followed’ him and when he passed away, a lot of individuals claimed that since then, Desteni is not the same, lost it’s edge, not really expanding.

I’d say, this meeting was the living proof for the exact opposite.

Many Europeans are walking their process of self-honesty and breath by breath, step by step, word by word they start to own their lives and become more clear and directive from within, expressed into the world, unified, unrestricted within the principle of equality and oneness as the starting point of what is best for all.

And that principle is so simple that many miss it as it is always here, just humans got accustomed to not being here in and as the physical flesh, as awareness but moved into mind consciousness energetic and systematic experiences and that process of awareness starts with (my)self here: what is best for me and my reality within absolute self-honesty? To stop being influenced, dragged down, limited by my past. Thus to work through that in this world, to share that process, to walk it unconditionally, that is an honor I am proud to witness and be able to participate within.

We are all going to die inevitably, that is a no-brainer and we do not have choice with that. Period.
But as who we are going to live as, and what consequences we are manifesting, what living example we show to our current and next generations – that is each and every single individual’s responsibility, and that is not a choice either. So better own that responsibility.

Big realization was also to see that it is not about when I am with ‘my kind of’ people, but actually, I can and should live the same way, talk to any other beings on earth equally open and direct, regardless if they do walk the same specific self-support course, technique, or not because what matters is self-honesty and practical awareness and responsibility, equally within everyone’s life.

Thus, this meeting have reminded me that organizing, connecting and sharing is power and I should not limit my self-expression about wanting to find or have the same starting point in relation to anyone, as that what I learn and express within this group, it is the same to be able to always live the same potential, regardless of who I am with, but simply: ‘as who I am’, period.

Day 325 – Leadership – Self-forgiveness part 1

IMG_0929I continue with Self-forgiveness and Self-corrective statements about my points what I see still influencing and undermining effective and self-honest self-leadership.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that leaders the only ones are responsible for the current state of the world and not realizing that they are also representing the current state of individuals altogether.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the empowerment, self-honesty and authority within taking initiative to live self-leadership, instead of waiting, looking outside for answers and solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist leadership, the word leading, not wanting to lead, to initiate, to take responsibility by believing that it would take away my freedom and not realizing that this resistance, denial and dishonesty is manifesting self-enslavement.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that leadership is not about leading others, having power over people and resources, but it is about who I am and what I express within that starting point, not really different than leading my individual life, just having greater consequences.

I forgive myself that I have believed that freedom means the least responsibility to have, the least to be reliable, counted, trusted or accounted for, thus I can do whatever I want, anytime I feel to, and thus being able to change my mind, my words, behaviour without causing much consequences and believing that to be freedom and not realizing that I am basically granting myself and giving permission to my mind to be unstable, unreliable and untrustworthy, even to myself, and of course, also for others.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the most responsibility I take in my individual life, or on existential level, the more opportunities I can have to expand my awareness, because to be able to really responsible, I have to become aware of what I am becoming responsible for and why, how I can apply what is the best interest for what I take responsibility for and thus I have to be able to see reality clearly and objectively, which is awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can procrastinate, postpone, wait with my awareness and responsibility process and standing up, and not realizing the more moments, breaths I wait, waste, the less opportunities I have to really live, therefore I must ensure to deal with as much efficiency and brutal self-honesty I can apply in regarding to not wait but to act immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being leader means to act serious, firm, grandiose, I must look and act well-shaped and consistently, I have to be able to be always in an example of this image I developed about leaders in my mind, mostly about the picture and my reactions to those pictures – and not seeing, realizing and understanding that leadership is not about the image, the specific behaviour, but the initiative, the living example and the support for others to also become leaders equally.

I forgive myself that I have desired power through leadership as seen in the world to compensate my perception of weaknesses within me and to fulfil my desires of not to be powerless and believing that with this kind of leadership power I would actually become powerful and not realizing that me, self here, would still remain powerless in relation to what I accept and allow within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy leaders for their abundance of resources, wealth and power and not realizing that it is a distraction from who I am here and what I am accepting and allowing what for I can be responsible for, what I can lead myself to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and therefore resist responsibility of having power over resources, people and in overall wealth, because of the resonant fear of I would abuse or waste it and then I would manifest irreversible consequences which I would regret, then I could not escape from self-judgement ever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and determine myself according to my mind, thoughts, emotions, memories, judgements and not realizing that it is a facade, a mechanical mirror mechanism to try to escape from embracing myself fully, entirely, unconditionally and within that bubble, I create self-separation delusion within the energetic experience of fear to be mesmerized to respond to that fear with self-interest, ending up dealing with manifested consequences of that fear, of that escape and disregarding the source, the core, which is me, here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within wanting to be become a perfect person first, then to become a leader is flawed, because the only way to become an effective leader is through actually living and walking it and along the walk to see what is self-dishonest, therefore to let go, and what is honourable and best for all and that to support.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that leaders actually do serve and if they act like masters, they are not leading by and as self-honesty, because if there is any master, then that is no leadership, but slavery, therefore in that situation every participant is responsible to support that leader, also the so called leader too to realize that they are consumed by self-interest, therefore abusing trust and power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from becoming a leader and then being tempted with power and abuse it, to not honour my principles, my direction, all life and within that fear not realizing the simple yet effective solution to directly look, investigate, answer what specifically I fear from and why and then apply practical common sense to stop it and move on.

I commit myself to take responsibility, initiative and empowerment to move myself, direct myself, change myself according to self-honesty, meaning if I see self-limitation, self-delusion, fear or judgement to influence and sabotage my actions not to be the best possible for all participants, then I apply self-forgiveness written, said aloud, within action.

I commit myself to take initiative to lead myself within self-honesty and honor life through and as me and my immediate reality for what I take responsibility for.

I commit myself to not stop living as an example for myself and others and thus to give what I would like to receive to others, the world and all of existence within equality and oneness.

I commit myself to stop imaginations and delusions to distort my process of self-honesty and trust in regarding leadership and leading.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I would be no good leader because I am a nice guy, too nice, too gentle and too polite and therefore I could not give orders or direction, because people would challenge me, then rebel and then denounce me, and then I would feel ashamed and lost and not realizing all the points within this single sentence to take responsibility for.
Well, this is interesting, I will continue with the point just opened up here.

But not in the next post – I will ‘break‘ this process for a moment and share my experiences and realizations about the recent Desteni meeting happened some weeks ago in Europe, because it was a remarkable event and experience and I am honored that I could be part of it.

In the meantime, as I often specify: EQAFE com is the best source for expand awareness about the mind, life, awareness and self in overall, so do not miss it, even if you are out of coins to afford some interviews – there are a LOT shared freely.

https://eqafe.com

Day 324 – Self-leadership

IMG_1680Still walking de-composing and re-defining the word leadership, leader, leading.

Each word to live starts with self here, leading is no different. To look at how to lead myself, at first it seems too obvious and raises the question of why would not I am constantly leading myself already?

So what I have realized through walking this process of Journey to Life, which is writing down my mind, seeing where I give into fear, self-interest, unrealistic desire or wherein I am compromising my support, growth and expansion and once I see the thought-patterns, the trigger points, the attached memories, the reactions, the energetic experiences, physical consequence, I have the ability to change and take responsibility.

In this context, where do I allow to unbalancing emotions, inner resistances, energetic addictions, fear or even direct or indirect spite towards others to influence, control and take over my actions? That is where I have to OWN my leadership to so speak, to my beingness, self and self-honesty to become the directive principle, not my unsolved past problems.

Many people immediately associate leadership with big bosses, CEO-s, military commanders, cult leaders, but actual, real leadership always starts with SELF. Otherwise how can I be sure that leading others is not altered, compromised my own lack of self-leadership?

Thus, then how can I assist and support myself to lead myself within integrity, principle and stability? How to find balance within all of the experiences, things, activities and consequences a human has to deal with, in a way, which is not only ‘okay’, but also stands out, shows an example of what’s really good for all participants in this human-nature closed system, what’s possible.

Self-honesty can not be mimicked or imitated, this is not something what comes by the phrase of ‘fake it until you make it’, but exactly the opposite. I have to become my own authority, the initiative, the living and expressing decision of who I am within unison and consistency to be able to stand firmly every day, in every minute, with every breath.

A challenge within decision-making is doubt, especially when it’s about leadership. No matter what was the decision to do, within reality problems will appear, what then have to be solved without hesitation or reaction, otherwise the problem escalates to the point of compromising the whole process, whatever it might be.

To be able to make decisions practically and effectively, a leader has to have knowledge about the situation, the possibilities, the actual method what has to be done, otherwise might risking the impossible to do, which then can result in failure.
If that happens, certainly does not boosts confidence, so leadership is also about to honestly see what is actually doable, what can be risked and what can’t. What to compromise when, and what never to. What abilities are my weak and strong points and to be able to answer why.

Leading is also about taking the initiative, to literally ‘lead the way’, which brings or results in change. To be able to face, anticipate and even enjoy that change, if possible; it’s certainly a challenge, but depending on the context of leading, it can be supported by writing down all the factors, relevant informations, variables and constants.

It’s easy to see here that by looking at leading a company, a country, as to live the word lead is not much different within definitions when I try to apply it to myself, my personal life, my direction.

When I am deciding to change a habit within myself, let’s have a typical example here:

To stop abusing myself by alcohol and drugs – while almost all of my friends currently do not want to stop doing it. It’s challenging. But even to make that decision, I have to be able to see clearly that why I want to stop, what made me decide to really stop and also to have a look at how I am going to do that.

It’s actually quite easy in theory – I just do not drink or take drug. Simple as that. But if all of my personal, social life was around it, it is who currently I am, then I will have impulses not to stop, facing resistances to stop. And this is just from within, and when others will keep telling, asking, even commanding me to drink ‘just this one for me’ – to say firmly ‘NO’ might be difficult.

So to initiate such change within my life, I lead myself to support what is best for me. And if I really look at it with common sense, I cannot do wrong or harm if I do not drink anymore, so whatever others say, they still talk to the person who I initiate to change, so they might have no idea that I am in the phase of change.
And if their communication, responses or even persuasions still influence, direct me – then I am simply realizing that yes, in theory I have made the decision to change, but in reality, I am still being leaded by aspects of myself I am currently not ‘leading’ within myself, so it’s time to investigate those points within me to understand why I still hold onto my past within and as self-definitions, manifesting into action.

For instance, when I experience inhibition, tiredness, feel of exclusion without taking the alcohol/drug, I look at how am I limiting myself to still be inhibited, why I feel tired or excluded without doing the same mind-altering ritual as others?
Why can’t I be simply uninhibited without anything, what is the resistance and why? What do I fear or risk making me stop unconditionally expressing?
In a way my ‘freedom of expression’ is not even really me if only can be accessed by influence of substances – thus I am actually the slave of this condition, relationship within me, what allows me to be uninhibited, when feeling the effect of the stuff.
What is the actual fear when I would just talk, move, dance as freely as I do when being drunk or high?
When I investigate this, it’s almost like not even me having party, but the drug/alcohol and my mind with me, but not me directly, which is quite weird thing to realize.

Obviously, when I want to face reality without any mind-altering, I am facing reality more, which might also can be disappointing, but that’s the thing with reality, it’s direct, it’s real, meaning if it’s not cool, it will be like that until I change it.
So then I can realize – I can change reality, but first I have to face and embrace it.

I have walked this path with alcohol and drugs and it’s actually mind-blowing how greatly supports my stability, self-honesty and growth within awareness and expression.
Also, many people do actually reflect to me with respect, admiration and even jealousy sometimes that they can see that this would be great for them too, but they did not yet or cannot make this change within their life.

But some are actually inspired to try, well, not actually by me, but their own reaction to me when they realize that here is someone who do what they actually would like to do. But not really-really – just some parts of them. So in a way, they are also allowing themselves to exist within refractions through their ever-changing mind. And that is certainly not confidence, neither stability. Once I decide what I do with myself, I should be able to do it. Otherwise I am not actually owning my life, but I am being owned by something I have no actual power over.

That’s in a way, already leadership. Directing myself to initiate a change, to manifest it and stand as that change consistently – leading by example, not by force or manipulation. And if there are others, who do not want to change it within themselves, it’s fine – I do not react, but if there is opportunity and potential, I can have a little share of reflection to the individual, if it seems supportive in the context and situation I find myself within. For instance if someone got some mess to themselves by doing something uncool while under influence, to just remind the person that the current trouble he/she is facing right now, it would not be existent, if they would not have got drunken/high so much. But it’s not really a ‘mission’ for me to lecture anyone, my responsibility is within my decision to live.

But to be able to do that – well, with alcohol, actually for me it was not that extremely difficult, but in my past I have abused myself with it extensively, just before I stopped drinking, I have realized that this is not really supporting me and my awareness when drinking uncontrollable amount of drinks becomes extremely limited, which leads to poor decisions, bad physical experiences and actual waste of time and money. But with drugs, psychedelics and marijuana, I had to walk a longer path to stop first. And for that I had to walk a process of self-honesty and self-purification so to speak.

To purify my relationship with my past, memories, personality, reactions, patterns to stop participate within those what are infused with fear, doubt, resistances and when not taking responsibility for myself.

Purify here meaning to see the relationships within me, the exact words I associate with patterns of fears/resistances, the emotional reactions, suppressions, the physical experiences, the actual inner or outer trigger points and when recognizing that I am about to ‘enter into the same pattern to do the same shit again’ – I give myself a new chance, a change, literally for-giving myself for accepting and allowing myself that until this point I was giving into this fear, this compromise, but here no further, I make a stand, no matter what!

And if that starts with not smoking that good-smelling, smoking joint what comes around in the circle today, right now, then that’s what I am going to do. Certainly I will survive! Then justifications and excuses will come, ‘oh just one more time’ – ‘I have pain, for that I need’, ‘I will be more creative, smooth, relaxed’, ‘this is for consciousness growth’, etc. – Then I realize – my mind has movement, power and direction, and until I still identify myself with this reasoning, I am going to go into the pattern again. Even if I will regret later, especially if I have made the decision NOT to do it at this moment, which is showing me who is the boss right now, who is leading, my manifested inner mirror of who I accept myself to be – my mind consciousness system.
Mind as computer-like machine, consciousness as a multi-dimensional system.
And if I give into these justifications – then I have to open up, write down, understand and forgive those too – if my decision is still to say and do not more alcohol/drugs.

If I ‘change my mind’ so to speak, meaning ‘not wanting to stop anymore’ – it’s fine, as long as I will not regret this ‘give in’ moment later. Or if I will, I will certainly undermine my self-trust, confidence and clarity.

The hardest within this is probably not to judge myself, especially when ‘falling into a pattern, what already decided to stop’. To blame, curse, hate myself, which is obviously not supportive, not helping, but also showing that I am still accepting my mind consciousness system to be my real leader. Which is only a manifested consequence of my accumulated previously accepted and allowed decisions and actions.

The practical common sense when shit hits the fan is to ACT IMMEDIATELY. To recognize that any reaction in my mind is like throwing myself into a swamp – it will swallow it, but in a way myself too and not really being a solution, I will just sink more. Meanwhile the problem remains, plus the actual fact that I gave in, did not stop, lost direction also accumulates, – so next time when I face this point, I will also have the memory, my habit, even my physical imprint about this moment as I gave in/up.

The emotional reaction with self-judgement might generate ‘energy’ not to do it next time, but the dynamics of emotional mind-energy house-holding is also important to realize here, to not get stuck into a pattern of only to move when ‘being worked up’ within, like becoming so angry and irritated and only to start moving by that energy ending up to do/not to do something I want. Because, if the next time this emotional/anger energy is not present, then I might not move the same way as I did before, thus ending up ‘falling back’ into the pattern I want to stop. Then judging myself again to have that energy to be able to stop. And it’s a vicious circle and this certainly undermines self-trust and effective self-leadership.

That’s why direct self-expression and actual movement is key here, not through the emotions, feelings and thoughts to start moving self, to live life, the words I decide to express. Thus then, my mind has no power, actually me directly here is the leader.

That’s self-leadership, to realize the need for change within self-honesty, to plan and initiate that change and live it unwavering, skipping the mind, but to live in and as the flesh directly.

I will continue with Self-forgiveness and Self-corrective statements about my points what I see still influencing and undermining effective and self-honest self-leadership.

There are a LOT of extremely supporting audio interviews about the topic of LEADERSHIP, which I strongly suggest to listen, not only for those who are or going to be leaders in the system, but for everyone wanting to become the leader of their own individual life as well.

Self-leadership also starts with getting to know the deeper levels of ourselves. A free online course here presents an unique way to learn more about our relationship with our mind, self, body to be able to change what is not supporting us:

Day 323 – Ruthless leader fear

IMG_1674Continuing on purifying LEADERSHIP

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to become someone and something else to become leader and with this idea, immediately resisting, not wanting to change, because fearing to lose what I am holding onto within self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to become leader ONLY once I am clear, pure, perfect, unwavering and unconditionally consistent within discipline and within that not realizing that this will not be born from any preparation but only through action, errors and trials, adjustments and mistakes, refinement and experience.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I have to be perfect, pure in order to start accumulate something for supporting what is best for all participants within existence, and within that justifying it by defining myself not knowing, not understanding, thus I should not yet direct, move, express and within all of these not seeing and realizing the meaning of context, which is to be honest with myself of where I am currently, within what situation and according to that to apply what is best within common sense, and for that I do not require to know and understand everything in existence, but have to be aligned and principled.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to justify not moving, not leading, not initiating change based on the belief that I am not yet good communicator, not being able to express myself properly, and not admitting that I only can become better within communication by actually doing it, meaning actually start moving, initiating, leading myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to sacrifice a part of myself in order to become a leader within the fear of being able to be compromised and not realizing that I do not have to accept that condition, but I can investigate, decompose, re-define that aspect of myself and unify with natural self-expression, meaning to connect, to have a partner, family is a decision, which is not related to who I am or what is my direction.

I forgive myself that I have not admitted myself that when I befriend with the thought within my mind about to give up partnership, family and friendship in order to become greater, then that is actually not related to leadership or responsibility, but it’s a self-accepted fear of compromise, which I still accept and allow instead of be honest about it with myself and to stop participating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to become more ruthless, impersonal, computing and clinical in order to become leader, good leader and not realizing that I am still being conditioned and basically owned by those conditions wherein I can access self-expression in regarding to those words of ruthless, impersonal, computing and clinical, and within that resisting to embrace, to become those words based on judgement, memory, suppressed emotion and self-definitions.

I forgive myself that I have not admitted that to want to become ruthless leader is an attempt to escape from taking full responsibility within compassion as admitting that I am still not aware of what is actual compassion and wanting to justify avoiding it to understand in order to maximize efficiency and not realizing that when it’s about leading people – and/or myself, then self-honesty is the key, not being ruthless, which indicates fight, friction and in a way abusing life.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am not able to live the word ruthless within fearing to become bad or evil and also not realizing that I am not daring to find out where and how ruthlessness can have place within my self-honest expression and also not realizing the dominant fear of going too far within that and causing unnecessary suffering.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I want to use ruthlessness as leader, then I am compensating for a weakness, what I want to fight over, which I am not admitting what it is, therefore not being able to stand up to it, but rather to play mind-energetic-plays to use ruthlessness to ‘win’ and ‘control’ specific situations, wherein I am or I have been unable to direct within self-honesty – thus the key is to find that self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within desiring to be a ruthless leader over others in order to reach the goals wanting to achieve, actually I am being ruthless with myself, which I do not admit, do not question why, do not answer how to stop, and within the recognition and acceptance of the inability to become ruthless with myself, wanting to practice that in relation to others, in a role/situation wherein I can apply that.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the whole concept of ruthlessness is to overcompensate the fallacies within my mind, wherein I can be vulnerable to manipulation, stimulation to influence, direct and determine my decisions and actions and within that not realizing that I can directly look at the initial judgements, reactions to stop.

What I have realized since I wrote my last post about LEADERSHIP is that I must be the living example of self-leadership first and in fact all of my secret suppressed desires about being leader were about becoming able to lead myself without any inner resistance and fear.

Also a lot of images of how I could be a leader I can recall, for instance what I’ve seen from corporate jobs, movies and photographs, as the leader has the high-class office, dressed well, articulates perfectly, looks strong, attractive, determined and very direct, in a way restrained, yet no inhibition, almost like always reserving for much more work/power to express and not showing everything at his hand, but only what’s relevant for the current step of his plan.

Quite funny to recognize that my actual ability, opportunity and expression have been hijacked by the cherished images and likeness of what I believed could and should be about leadership and within that not realizing the most obvious missing point: self-leadership, to lead and trust myself, to initiate change and live that.

Also to acknowledge on how easy to debunk a myth, a false-resistance/excuse of ruthlessness, as how it’s not about that, but wanted to be, almost like finding an excuse to suppress any initiation towards actual initiative self-leadership.

Further to realize and share that never to be afraid to see directly what’s within as it does not mean I have to remain like that – for instance in regarding to ruthlessness – as I would get afraid that if anyone would read this, then they would think of me as really someone would become a ruthless leader – as I am certain I would not become that, not in the sense of abuse. But as an opportunity to find out, wherein the word ruthless can actually be supportive, self-honest, according to what is best for all. To be ruthless with my self-dishonesty – but not necessarily as an emotional reaction-way or stone-cold machine-like way. So – it’s certainly a challenge.

Also when I see how I currently initiate leading with others – I am quite the opposite of ruthless, but more like polite, gentle, humble, which apparently I also judge within, and want to compensate with more strength, directness and within principle. So it’s quite fascinating to see that instead of getting afraid of a layer of my mind, for instance here about the word and my relationship to it of: ruthless – to dig further, to uncover the source of that also and trust myself.

I stop here for now, will continue to open up more in relation to leadership, self-leadership.

Day 322 – Leadership opening up

IMG_1679Last time I was writing about being awkward. If I look beyond that self-limitation, there are a lot of points what I was suppressing as well.
Let’s look one particular point what started to open recently.

I was listening three of amazing EQAFE support interviews in regarding to Leadership

(links at the end of this post).

I’ve been circling around this word since a while and within my DIP PRO course assignment also pops up from time to time and the more I become honest with myself, this is an aspect of me, seeing the potential on how to expand with it, but it is also becoming clear that there is much work to do in order to birth that potential into life.

Thus, walking some memories, decomposing some constructs of my own relationship and personality of the word and it’s meaning of LEADER and LEADERSHIP.

Right away, there has always been a controversy of two opposite opinions about this within me: since my childhood, all I ever wanted is to have more power, possibilities and freedom, while on the other hand I have been accumulated so much willingness and desire to directly lack, deny and escape responsibility.

After many years, here I am and already realized that responsibility is the only way which through I can be really free of my self-limitation and powerlessness, thus since a while I specifically aim parts of my life wherein I am directing myself to open up and realize: where I am still not taking responsibility for myself and then(or at the same time) the world as well.

So I start with walking Self-forgiveness immediately, instead of sharing a lot of memories, because that is not really required here to start to see, as this point I have focusing to since a while in reflection to things happening in my personal, interpersonal and global life events, so I just directly apply practical understanding through actually taking responsibility with seeing what I have not yet acknowledged, but in a way, in the background, I have always known.

Self-forgiveness

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire leadership, to become a leader and not being honest with myself to see that this desire is fueled by my own powerlessness, insecurity and wanting to compensate values, aspects, abilities and personality traits of others, who I defined as more than who I perceive myself to be.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want power and efficiency, but not wanting to take responsibility for who I am, for the reactions, thoughts, feelings and emotions are happening within me, overwhelming, distracting, dis-empowering me, but directly wanting to exert power into the world, because then others would see how powerful I am and based on their reactions, I would feel myself more powerful.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself to see/realize/understand that I want to seem as powerful in order to be judged as powerful, so then based on judgements, starting to believe that indeed I am powerful.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the polarity-energy play within myself as wanting to experience ‘positive‘ judgments about me in relation to leadership and power to COMPENSATE the already existing ‘negative‘ judgments/beliefs/self-definitions within me and not realizing the common sense to stop/remove the ‘negative’ directly with self-honesty and self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-commitments to change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve defined people in leading positions as something I could be good at without actually understanding what they do, what qualities they live and how.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that leader, as the word itself explains itself, meaning that the one, who leads the way, which mostly means to initiate, to move first, without anything or anyone outside of themselves and that requires self-trust, self-knowledge and self-dedication, which I never considered to see it as actual qualities I can learn, but as being not my type, not my personality, not my way and not realizing that these are simply excuses and justifications of why I should give into the resistance to face and change my personality if I do really want to be a leader.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that my initial desire to become leader comes from the realization that I allow myself to be leaded by forces outside of me, even when I do not want, I do realize that it’s not supporting me, thus to compensate/fight that powerlessness, started to grow a desire for power and leadership.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that ANY leadership starts with self, self-leadership and to deal with myself, my inner representation, my mind, my personality, my ‘demons’, so to speak, the patterns what constitute the chance to compromise my stand, to doubt myself, to give into resistances, to not want to change, initiate, move.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that my resistance towards leading, leading systems, others is the manifestation of the resistance to lead myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that until self-leadership will not spread and become a living expression of all individuals, there always will be leaders, which means master and slave relationship.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that leading is not about the power as it is mostly given, and if one does not live with that given power well, it might or will be taken away – even if it’s about self-leadership and self-given power – any doubt, resistance, fear can compromise that power.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to take responsibility for what and who I am and within that to realize that I can change if I decide so, and the very fact that I am not changing is the indication and proof of that I am not taking responsibility and thus accepting my limitations to direct me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy leaders around me by what I perceived as having access to power and thus wanting to be leader and only looking what they have but not questioning the process they actually became leaders with what qualities and actions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only thing stops me from being leader is the self-sabotage of not leading myself first.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not yet ready to become a leader and within that not seeing what actual justifications I hold onto, what makes that belief within me.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the postponement of actually walking the path of a leader is the belief that first I have to become perfect, then once I am ‘ready’, then I will lead and within that not realizing that there is no perfection without making mistakes first and the ability to admit and change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized, named and worded the actual excuses and justifications I am holding onto for not taking responsibility to lead myself, to initiate movement and change within myself and the world as equal as one in a consistent practical application.

Conclusion

So, this should do as a start, at the end the realization came to the surface that I actually have to list up the points I perceive as blocking me to lead myself effectively.

I start with a brief list here and I will continue in the next post with this fascinating topic.

  • The belief that once I become a leader, I will have less time for entertainment and to actually do what I like, such as learning, investigating, discovering.
  • The belief that first I have to face all my demons to not get into any possible compromising situation ‘out there’ in the world.
  • The belief that I am not stable and consistent enough
  • The belief that my communication skills are not yet effective enough
    The belief that I am not yet walking a supportive, enjoyable and stable partnership with someone first
  • The belief that I have to remain somewhat alone and secluded in order to become someone who will not compromise leadership and responsibility first versus personal interest, such as relationship and family and it’s a friction within between wanting partnership, but only if it’s not compromising my ‘plans’ and having the belief that I should not care about such details, but only focus to my ‘plans’
  • The belief that I am not direct, in a way ruthless or impersonal enough and being vulnerable for people to be able to influence me with their social skills, beauty or my insecurities

These are just a few and some of them are already seem ridiculous for me at the moment I write them down, so at first sight they do not seem relevant or real problematic, but still: came up, thus worth writing down and to see what is behind that particular belief.

Just like with fears and phobias – many people hold onto so many kinds of fears without even being aware of how ridiculous it might seem if the person would actually take the effort to write it down to see in front of them.

A point I see worth mentioning in regarding to fear:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from jumping into action in regarding to leadership, which is the fear of making so big mistakes that would manifest irreversible consequences, what could sabotage my intention, direction towards leadership.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I focus to the fear and it’s resonance, I do not look at the point I fear manifesting, I do not see if it’s realistic, what I can do to prevent it, but I spend time to not move, not act, but only react within.

And the last should be this:

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within seeing the initiative to become leader, but not actually specifying of what kind of leader within what ‘field’ I want to lead, initiate, move change, thus it’s all abstract, undefined, un-graspable, which is to protect my level of involvement with leadership, which is only self-stimulation, not actual reality-walking and manifesting.

This is greatly challenging and recommended everyone to walk as can reveal so many points of self-dishonesty to work with and being able to face, understand and stop.

These are the awesome EQAFE interviews about leadership I’ve mentioned and support me and others greatly:

https://eqafe.com/p/what-is-leadership-to-you-the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-103

https://eqafe.com/p/what-is-blocking-the-leader-within-you-the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-104
https://eqafe.com/p/the-birth-of-a-leader-begins-with-self-the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-105

And a personal blog post from Marlen to look Leadership as well, suggested to read:

https://marlenvargasdelrazo.wordpress.com/2017/04/13/557-self-leadership-and-the-message-of-jesus/

Day 321 – From awkwardness to self-trust part 4

aw4Continuing from Day 318 – From awkwardness to self-trust part 1 and part 2 and part 3

I walk self-forgiveness on the major points mentioned here to puncture my realizations with practical common sense and take responsibility for the manifested self-dishonesty in regarding to awkwardness and suppressing developing and expanding within social skills and expressions.

  • I forgive myself that I have not asked directly the reason and origin of my awkward definition, experience and judgement from myself, but to automatically becoming preoccupied with the consequence of my definition, experience and judgement of it, thus distracted from understanding the problem, finding solution for the problem.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I only experienced and judged myself as awkward when I was interacting with others, within social interaction and communication and within that not realizing why I am uneasy, inconvenient, embarrassed, but whenever this experience comes up, immediately going into the reaction side, judgement direction, distraction mode from the actual reason of this is spiraling out.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware of the fact that I feel awkward, because of comparison, judgement of how I want to experience, to be experienced versus what is actually happening within me and in relation to others and the difference between what I imagined, desired and actual reality, I perceive as defeat, failure, for I blame myself, feeling ashamed for and defining that this is who I am, awkward I am and not realizing that it’s just an experience, wherein I define and feel being stuck within.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I recreate awkwardness each and every single time when I judge myself, when I expect outcome of social/human relationships interaction from my own self-interest and/or when I do not trust myself, and then comparing, expecting, judging and blaming, which all are temptations to be given into to be distracted from the fact that I gave up self-honesty and self-trust when defined that it’s acceptable to rather define myself as awkward and blame myself for it, being angry and frustrated at myself for it, instead of looking it as practical as possible, meaning to find out what is the actual problem/source of this and what and how could be the actual solution.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that my awkwardness and self-judgments about it are of words and thus the problem is within my relationship with words, thus the realization and solution also must be too.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divert my attention from the actual problems I was facing by giving into hope and trust into manifestations within this world outside of me, taking refugee within experiences, energetic mind states and rituals and thus undermining my self-trust.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that any energetic accumulation-based method/way/process is only working on mind level, which is although a symptom, but also a consequence, a mirror, and reflects back my starting point and physical expression, thus the the mind should only be ‘used’ as to backtrack, cross-reference and become aware of the self-dishonesty I am responsible for to stop.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fight against myself, my perceived personality, nature, tendencies and within that believing that I have to accumulate greater amount of energy in my mind by time looping within judgments, reactions, emotions and thinking and thus being slave of my own self-limitation, because then I only way equilibrium within this if I walk the whole cycle of falling and raising and being distracted with this path to not see that the actual solution is to entirely step out of this pattern and not participate, prevent myself to even react to the conditions I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to automatically.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve defined to interact with others making me weird, awkward, my comparison, judgement, but in fact it’s totally unrelated to others, anyone else, but myself here and if I give into such experiences and judgements, it’s showing me that I am still not trusting myself unconditionally, not being able to remain here, directive and present and therefore the real challenge and self-trust means that I am able to be here as alone, as others, equally, no difference of who I am within self-honesty.
  • That’s why whatever comes up alone or with others – it’s my responsibility to face, understand, forgive and stop and to see what life can mean beyond this self-limitation.
  • I commit myself to challenge myself to step out of my comfort and comfortable zones and to see who I am within facing the unknown and to realize that the most practical common sense is to trust myself – and if I find out within self-honesty that I don’t/can’t trust myself in relation to something, then I take responsibility for stopping and changing myself, not just making decision but to live that in action.
  • I commit myself to immediately look at the source point of upcoming experience of awkwardness within self-honesty, to see what is the judgement, the fear, the self-limitation and forgive myself, stop myself, change myself, if I am able in the moment, then right away, but if I face recurring pattern, difficulty, not specific enough understanding, then I write down the patterns, I investigate, I apply self-forgiveness, I communicate with other destonians, if necessary.

Redefining awkward, awkwardness experience: The self-reflection of a certain judgement of myself and coming up with the tendency to give into the experience of shame, powerlessness, but it is rather an opportunity to see within myself what I am not yet accepting about myself to stand equal and one and thus being able to change. Thus awkwardness can be applied as a gift to take responsibility for an automatic energetic experience I’ve allowed up to this point but from now on committing myself to prevent overpowering my presence and direction with self-judgement.

So the process here is to admit, to acknowledge and be brutally self-honest about why I do what – and this is always different, when I walk through various self-dishonest patterns, but in a way it’s also a skill, and accumulates self-trust, to be able to question the relevant questions and have the relevant answers. There is no mystic, hidden agenda when it comes to our own mind, personality and self-limitations. Everything is in plain sight. The only reason someone can’t see through deception and excuses, justifications of how and why accepting self-limitations is because did not really committed oneself to walk through this and did not yet developed the necessary discipline, skills and the ability to not stop when facing resistances, fear, inconvenience, uncomfortability.

To learn this game/life-changing abilities/skills/starting point, visit:

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

http://eqafe.com

Awkwardness in relation to our bodies