Day 376 – Doubt and growth

P1010317Today’s menu:

Need to be absolutely sure – doubt within starting point, details of behavior.
Fear of being resisted, challenged, dominated – inferiority, fear of loss, fear of fear.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed to be honest with myself that the conviction of ‘need to be absolutely sure’ to do something is in it’s core is doubt, because I do not trust MYSELF HERE UNCONDITIONALLY, but the relationship, the point about to want to be sure, the conviction I want to be perfect to support my certainty and within that not realizing that I focus to perfect something based on a self-dishonest premise, which is not real to overcome a manifested behavior here, which is real: my acted out doubt in relation to myself, action and self-trust.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that to not move, initiate, start, live with the conviction of need to be absolutely sure first is self-sabotage, because I do not allow actual, physical and living space and time to find my ground, self-trust within living trial, but first want to model, virtualize, imagine and think it through in a way what satisfies and overcomes my originally self-accepted existence of doubt, and within that wanting to use this model and practise to break through the starting point of: fear of failure, fear of making mistake, fear of manifesting irreversible consequences.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only way I can really learn and expand is to live, to try, to make mistakes and fail, so then in real time I can start understanding cause and effect, how reality works based on common sense, practicality and accumulation.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the tendency to doubt, to stutter, to even petrify myself for apparently tiny moments during my day is accepted as normal to the degree of not even being aware of and thus missing opportunities, moments of expression, expansion and thus growth, based on the convictions of I first must be sure, convinced, justified and reasoned with to do something and within that not seeing/realizing and understanding that the very model and starting point of such logical thinking is flawed with doubt, fear of mistake and experiences, memories, automatic judgments and feelings/emotions, based on my past, wherein not allowing to step beyond of those patterns, thus not really expanding, trying new, but always repeating the same cycles in the hope of this time will break through, while the common sense is to first reveal, decompose, forgive and let go all those patterns and see with virgin eye, act with direct movement and to not rely on my past, of what I am not absolutely sure about, and even if so, to re-question if it’s really-really trustworthy to the degree of putting all my life on it and being able to risk not to grow if this is false/self-dishonest.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to change my obsession to be sure and certain, right and eliminating doubt means that I must do express perfection and then becoming obsessed with finding the possibly best approach and wanting, expecting to do that without consideration of where I am currently, my current status, location, opportunities and options, from which I actually can start to consider, structure and plan an actual process of progress and manifestation of the wished outcome and for that to be able to remain consistent within this process without relying on manipulating and stimulating myself in relation to doubt and confidence emotions/feelings, but only focusing on what’s real in and as the physical realm, measurable, obvious.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that to consider my doubt as a point to deal with or overcome based on feelings and emotions, thoughts and reasoning is not self-honest, thus accepting self-limitation, as I do accept the starting point of doubt and want to accept it to exist within the equation in a way that without it, the whole process of planned or actual progress becomes inconsistent, unpredictable or even sabotaged.

For instance a pattern: frustration – if there is no frustration, I do not push to get through a resistance, a limitation, let it be inner, such as worry, excuses, justifications – or external, such as not having enough time, skill, money or power to do something – and within that deliberately boosting my want to overcome that by annoyance and frustration to the point of no matter what, need to get through that – but once I do that, the very motivation to keep moving, directing, expanding becomes un-fueled as the frustration itself was the energy to move, and then finding myself not moving anymore, until again facing another or even the same type of source of frustration.

It’s similar to addiction – for instance to drugs(or sex or alcohol or buying) – one uses it to distract or escape from an experience, related to what’s present within one’s life – and thus the action one does in relation or with/based on/under of the subject of the addiction – and the initial experience fades, one feels great – and moves on – but then the same, unresolved, ran away/distracted from experience, situation returns, and one has a choice: do the same as before, which seemed maybe easier: to repeat the distraction, entertainment, or even self-destruction(getting wasted).

In this sense, people do not realize their addiction to their mind-cycles, and all the automatic compromises they accept and allow for having the ‘balanced and in control self’ – while it’s all self-created self-dishonest self-delusion.

And then people can get to the point of all day want to be high/drunk/etc – for admittedly to avoid to face their responsibility, in reality, what awaits them to deal with, walk through, solve, stand up to – or they just want to have regular boosts to ‘refill’ their ‘don’t feel bad too strongly’ shield. Either way, everything we do or don’t do – accumulate.
Just as our decision-making, and thus personality. As from the starting point one relies to the decisions, consequences and then how judged them in terms of their priority of interest(feeling good, being right for self or others too), thus behavior, habits, personality patterns form, crystallize and automatize.
Of course, most of the justifications are around the points of self-dishonesties, but within the context of making those decisions, ‘logical process’ – they seem totally reasonable, because one acted upon those already, many times.

“Don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it”

But usually people do.

I rather not generalize, but I can recognize this pattern within myself – thus it’s my responsibility to decompose, forgive for accepting and allowing and to see the specific trigger points, thus when next time about to manifest, I can see the predictable outcome if I don’t stop/change based on acknowledging what I already accepted and allowed – and thus to really stop and change.

And if anyone else recognizes this pattern within themselves, this might be an example or encouragement of why or how to support oneself to stop and change patterns within one’s behavior to expand, grow and live.

In this – I recognize that doubt-based resistances to break through with accumulating frustration is not supporting consistent expansion and creation, movement and direction, because as long as emotion/reaction-based energy is part of the equation, I am subjected to, dependent on, compromised by that relationship to that specific word-based trigger point, what should be identified honestly and understand within absolute specificity. So better to have decision, direction, commitment and principle and focus on manifesting clarity with self-communication, self-honesty and practical understanding.

Such as my point of decomposing, forgiving and letting go defining enjoyment within perfection only. Meaning perfection not with and as self as self-honesty, but trying to perfect the experience and the judgement of the relationships I form with things/people. That’s a trap. Just as naming it as inspiration for instance.

A tiny example: I re-started to learn Spanish guitar play – starting with basic techniques, such as ‘andalusian cadence’ – and it progresses alright as practicing every day a little. I am aware of what I want to do, be able to do, so it’s obvious what to do and kind of how.

And then last night found a player on youtube, who plays devilishly great – in my judgement – Tom Ward, playing Liszt Ferenc Hungarian Rhapsody 2 with ‘perfection’ in technique, effortlessness and passion – and I was like – this is the level I desire to reach – and the whole expression of his is very personal and unique and specific – the desire was within this perceived perfection. And I was immediately distracted with this desire, and from that point, my basic practices seemed soooooo far from where he is already at – and I defined this as inspiration – although it’s – if using it to my own process – distraction from the original experience of frustration accumulating during practicing a new thing.

I had lot of judgments before about this, such as ‘it’s useless skill, it’s just self-interest’, why not learn economy, or something to make more money with, or doing something for others, or creating something what helps solving problems in the world.

And then what I reasoned with is that no matter what I do, I always face myself within it, thus to expand, does not matter what it is, but the self-honesty within that process is what matters. Well, obviously in the context of equality and principle of do onto others what I would like to receive, based on the fact that this existence is a closed system, thus what goes around, comes around, even if not seeing the patterns due to complexity.

So what I concluded with was that I do the things I must do, and prioritize, and based on that it looks like doing this for some minutes per day is fine and I can learn and apply a lot of points I have already realized within walking Process, and also discover – and then share new, emerging points as well.

Also what is being revealed is that am I using learning guitar to distract myself from something else, with experiences, enthusiasm feelings, frustrations, resistances and walkthrough…

As for me – mountain climbing, when about to climb the Everest, even by risking my and others life – seems absolutely dumb, no doubt – and when I say that I can understand why people would want to acclaim that – what I really say is that – my justification self accepts and respects their justification self.

Of course, I do not want to be judged, so I shall not judge others either – which is also self-dishonest, based on having the starting point of an initial judgement, of ‘not to be judged by me doing this or that’, because I actually and already judge myself about it.

It’s tricky – and one would even consider that this whole article seems crazy and kind of insane – except that as I write it, as I see these to unfold in front of me – I breathe, I see, and I realize points to understand and if necessary: change and stop.

To just finish the example point about guitar – since years I have this aim/goal to play certain type of music with guitar, yet always starting, then stopping, then later re-starting, then stopping again – so it’s not consistent. And my justification was that ‘it’s not priority’ – and certainly it is not, it’s rather a hobby, a way to relax and enjoy.
And to recognize that, that it’s alright to not take this seriously can also come from self-communication and self-agreement. In this reflection – what I worded – effortlessness, passion, precise technique – and voila – it’s already much more tangible, doable – to focus on teaching myself – or unlearning patterns to allow myself to grow like that…In this sense, it’s not just about what I need to do, but also undo – as natural learning ability is the greatest.

IF – there is no self-dishonest justification and energetic mind accumulation in-between self and living. But if there is, then that is self-dishonesty and I want or not, if I accept this pattern within this ‘not priority’ aspect of myself, I might accept and live out within other, ‘priority’ aspect of myself too, thus discipline and principled living is suggested within all aspects of self.

As an excuse can be easily accepted by – this is not important – this moment is less relevant, now I can accept some little white lie, while in more important moments I can play the holy man – and voila – we are at the spiritual religious self-fuckery state, where one separates things, experiences, oneself based on ways to justify self-interest.

Meanwhile, in reality, all moments, breathe in and out, opportunity to be self-honest here in and as the physical body, in and as the physical reality – all are equal. No more holy, divine moments, people or actions – obviously, sometimes one has to have more attention, like while driving, but this type of justification can lead to some serious self-dishonesty.

Such as – I do not have to be self-honest while just killing all those pests, animals in my house – as now I can just kill the mofos with rigid ruthlessness, instead of considering why they are here, what I did what lead this to happen, can I see the bigger picture, is there any way to deal with this.

Or typical – to allow crazy, even abusive thoughts to run around – smile at someone while thinking that ‘what an a$$h0le’ – as believing that what I think is less holy than what I actually do: smiling as that is good, but while in fact having this resentment.

That’s why there is no middleground with self-honesty – and it is extremely difficult to never fall – but in the same way it’s very simple to allow myself to be intimate with myself to really see – am I dishonest, even just a little bit about anything or not.

This I wanted to pronounce about my starting point of doubt and worry to do something if not perfect, because the only way to really learn and grow, to expand is by mistakes – and in theory I can be master of myself, my mind, but if I do not even move I will not see what I still miss, thus not taken into consideration to actual, practical, real understanding, thus will not be able to change.

Each moments are equal, so if I am really good to not fall into a self-dishonest pattern in the day’s 99.99%, but in the remaining 0.01%, certainly and always – then the judgment of ‘mostly I am great’ does not mean much if there is always a cyclic point of ‘then always falling into this inevitably’, as it just restarts the cycle of not changing, and thus need to broaden the understanding the whole multidimensional dynamics of my participation and experiences, reactions and thoughts/feelings/emotions in that particular physical timeline.

That’s where Desteni I Process Pro online course is the greatest assistance by the Mind Constructs technique – to write down the actual timeline of what happened, also adding what I experienced, thought, all the patterns, building blocks of my participation and correlate to reality, within self-honesty – so then I clearly can discover all the patterns I live by, so then there can no remain any justification or excuse, because all is in front of me, thus can assist and support myself with change.

And that is what the greatest potential and power in existence, really – as we can accept ourselves as flawed, tainted, scarred, limited and handicapped – or we learn and grow out of those, one by one – with support, assistance and actual enjoyment of self-liberation, which undoubtedly accumulates to all existence as the whole is nothing but all it’s parts together.


Day 375 – Being a nice guy fear

P1020130From my last post, walking this with Self-forgiveness – the universe’s greatest support as it’s about becoming aware of patterns I accepted and taking responsibility for stop participating by understanding the specificity of how I behave automatically and within that I get a chance to see the pattern before doing it and thus being able to say – I did this and realized that it’s not the best, let’s just stop acting this out and see what’s possible besides this particular pattern….

I almost always used to be a nice guy, someone to be liked or respected, but that was never true me. There is suppressed anger and desires what can be exerted if really poked around, ‘better keep the animal tamed’.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be the nice guy in order to not have resistance in the world by being liked, accepted, respected simply by the judgments I made about the things I focus doing based on I believing those to be good and nice, thus hoping that others judge those – and thus me – also as good and nice.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to question why need to want to be good and nice, and something I want to be recognized as, but with common sense it literally tells that in fact, I am not good, but I have to act as in order to be seem as good and within that not considering how I define, perceive and experience myself in terms of my polarity definition of good and bad and why.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not admit to myself that I define and feel, experience and judge myself as not being good enough and not being specific on what good here means and thus automatically and vaguely allowing associations to various points without being aware of.
  • I forgive myself that I have not specified for myself when I fall into the fear of ‘not being good enough’ of what I really mean, and why, and thus creating an overall feeling, a reaction, an energetic mind-state, which I do not admit how much influences and stimulates me to activate certain personality patterns, such as doubt, worry, anxiety, fear and paranoia.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the not good enough pattern originates from mixing up and bouncing back and forth between ‘wanting to be better’ and ‘fearing to be wrong’ without specificty.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity of purifying my mind, associations and reactions to the word ‘GOOD’ and within that to admit that it only refers to what it is my interest currently without stability, understanding and consistency, but being automatically driven by the context, the inner set and outer settings I allow to be determined by preprogrammings I do not admit, want to realize or being completely unaware of.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being BAD, meaning selfish, evil, not effective, not helpful, not compassionate, not considerate and benevolent, and within each action fearing to do something wrong, causing irreversible consequences I can’t fix but would stay and define, determine my remaining existence, thus always trying to analyse and virtualize, model and simulate causes and effects by my limited thoughts, feelings and emotions, and within that not realizing that with the starting point of fear, the complete preoccupation within the mind-participation what I manifest is that I am not present, I am reactive, not directive and thus I focus to create what I wish to avoid by giving creation to what I focus to, which is here is what I am afraid of.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the effective use of my mind by considering options within clear presence, meaning no reactions, no running thoughts, but simply look at things, understanding and considering, but definitely not accumulate worry and frustration, emotional charges and fear.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to recognize the self-deception and self-sabotage within participating in ANY pattern of ‘fear of not being good, good enough’ and within recognition of it, immediately taking the initiative movement and direction to STOP doing it and focusing to what’s here, what I can do and how I should do it to support direct action.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to use my observations constructively within development and expansion by allowing fear to be the starting point and not realizing the simplicity to stop and re-align with written, spoken and living words.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not raise my voice, then I am considered as a nice guy, and within that desiring to be judged by others as nice, which if I really look at is not a real descriptive word, but a ‘feeling’, being subjective, and also part of a polarity system of nice – not nice/ugly, wherein wanting to be seem as nice exposes the experience or fear of being not nice/ugly/bad.
  • I forgive myself that I have judged, defined and categorized myself as not nice, not being good enough and in general not being capable enough within the comparison patterns I allow to run freely in my mind, feeding by my initial doubt and insecurity experience in the world and not being honest with myself of being afraid to be rejected, excluded and disregarded by others within the fear that I can’t live, stand and expand alone by myself and within that not trusting myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not admitted to myself that I do not fully trust myself always, unconditionally, because of the memories I remember and fall back to react to of when I was giving up, giving in and not pushing through resistances and fears, allowing myself to be defined by fear and my perceived weaknesses and allowing this fear to become norm and being triggered at challenging situations.
  • I forgive myself that I have not admitted that how I deal with challenges, resistances and problematic situations is that I have an initial experience of polarity within feeling or emotion, fed by thought patterns, which create a state of energetic experience and consciously trying to overcome it by stimulating and manipulating myself to accumulate the opposite experiences I originally accept and allow, for resistances to get obsessed by a desire to break and fight through.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I created the perfect prison for myself by the self-balancing artificial intelligence of my mind consciousness system, as always working in polarities of good and bad, positive and negative and accepting to have auto-activating patterns to each situation I experience, wherein always striving to acclaim neutral states from polarity extremes, but always and only in the confinement of those energetic polarity frequency domains, thus never be really free.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that direct self-expression and self-trust to develop and accumulate only can be manifested by decomposing all the patterns of my mind and to see what is real and fact on the physical reality level and where I go into delusion and self-dishonesty and to stop participating within those patterns by applying self-forgiveness, self-corrective and self-commitment statements to assist and support myself to live the change directly in the moments of participation.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that suppressed anger I experience is because I omit to live the opportunities I see and go through by worry and fear, and within that judging myself as bad – thus reinforcing the whole ‘want to be good’ pattern even more, instead of letting go the anger, the doubt and focus to what’s here in front of me, at my physical location, on my awareness level to take responsibility for and realizing that consideration can be applied in the principle of what is best for all participants to support structuring, planning, directing and living my expression without accepting doubt within what I do – or if doubt seems unstoppable, to decompose it as it’s a pattern and to plan even further to focus on what’s practical common sense to do, or ask for assistance from others if applicable.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that any and all anger I experience towards anything or anyone is ALWAYS towards and in relation to myself as anger in it’s true form exposes powerlessness and fear, thus that is the key part to focus to within any anger-triggering situation and to prevent myself to fall into exerting it towards myself or others.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my exerting anger aspect as ‘tamed beast’ and wanting to control it by self-manipulation and suppression and not realizing that what I suppress is also myself and a potential to grow and for that I always will create more friction, more resistance, desire and fight within myself, which literally takes away my freedom and honesty.

So, this is a start, more to come – in the meantime also focusing on becoming aware of patterns when ‘falling over to the other side’ – as from doubtful, insecure to become blunt and overconfident, but as mentioned before, that is also a form of polarity fight within, and within that aspect, manifests as a total denial and sabotage of any true and honest self-expression.

Day 374 – Dream interpretation – raising my voice

P1010833I had a dream in the morning.
This was like a campus versus farm versus castle. Relatable to Desteni farm and my university and even high school. Obviously as a place where I learn and grow.

There was dinner time and I was helping with serving. There were MANY plates to fill and I was wondering about that this eventually should be automatized as it’s very honorable thing to do but takes so much time. I became aware of that I have my high school friends around the vicinity, so I decided to visit them after finishing with serving the food.
I remember walking and hurrying for more and more plates and putting fresh and warm food onto many plates and then it just fades away. It took so long that I think I fell asleep or something like that. It was like in a movie with a fade to black scenery change.

I wake up, no one is around(looks like I am in a castle’s kitchen), there is no more food left; I am not hungry in particular, but still, the thought occurs to me by habit that could have been better if have eaten but then fully clarifying to myself, it’s completely alright.
Also just became aware of that Bernard (Mr Poolman) is in the main building. I remind myself that I have to see my friends as it’s cool opportunity that they are here, and I go to see Bernard and the others. By the others here I mean other of my friends from the Desteni group or farm.
On my way to the main place, I wonder that why some people are(were – he has passed away) so afraid from Bernard, and by looking into me I see some shit(self-dishonesty still accepted), but no resistance or worry I see about meeting him, rather a cheer up, excitement and curiosity.

I find the group near a sort of podium, looks like some time ago a statue must have been standing there, but now there are people sitting comfortably and discussing with Bernard. I see his bald head from distance and I look around to see if there is some edible dinner and no, it’s fine – and I approach them with firm steps. I find myself lucky(in the dream, in reality more like honored) to know these people.
And then I wake up.

Sort of like this was the dream. It’s clear to me what it means, supports me with, just reflecting back to the whole idea of ‘fear of Bernard’. I know some people who were so scared and overwhelmed, when they met or talked with him.

And of course, they were not really afraid of him, because he did not harm anyone, however he was able to see self-dishonesty within one and support them to realize for themselves – and for some this meant gentle, even humorous talk, such as with me, but with some he shouted and used sharp words to get through the shell of their conviction, delusion or justification. He did not really care of his image, always felt like he is on edge just the right amount to be able to make others understand what he saw.

This is certainly debatable as why to be ever harsh or blunt, loud or uncomfortable for anyone?

I remember, when once he told me in the farm’s kitchen that he wants to hear me shout, my voice to be loud and heard, as I am not expressing myself, just being the quiet nice guy all the time while having these realizations yet not acting out in relation to the world.

It is still a point to be lived and this post is dedicated to substantiate the realizations I see already and to see what is to be still to understand and prepare in support for living potentials without resistance or fear.

Let’s it to be an opener for now with a list of related points and then free form of ranting and raving(it’s a technique to serialize the mind to see it in front of me):

  • I almost always used to be a nice guy, someone to be liked or respected, but that was never true me.
  • There is suppressed anger and desires what can be exerted if really poked around, ‘better keep the animal tamed’.
  • If there is any doubt and I act upon some serious direct power expression, such as shouting with purpose, I should be absolutely right about it, otherwise I would (further) undermine my self-trust.
  • What if I am being resisted to, challenged or dominated down, then I also would feel split between, like acting, instead of being certain and powerful.
  • If I wait enough, there is usually someone who takes the charge, even if I will not totally agree with their method and way of dealing with a situation I am part of it – I can always justify that I decided to wait, if it would be really important, I could have acted upon.

Based on these points I see within – they are not really present, or not always, but within brutal self-honesty I can see signs of these could appear in my mind and thus could be triggered – therefore I could be influenced by these patterns – so these can be referred as self-allowed and accepted vulnerability of self-dishonesty.

That’s actually supportive to admit, to face and prevent myself acting upon self-dishonesty within description of specificity.


  • Need to be appreciated, liked, trusted, respected – lack of self-appreciation, self-trust, self-love.
  • Need to be absolutely sure – doubt within starting point, details of behavior.
  • Fear of being resisted, challenged, dominated – inferiority, fear of loss, fear of fear.
  • Justifying accepting resistances and waiting for others to do what I clearly see that I could do myself.

I see self-dishonesty everywhere – within myself, but within others as well – for a while it was really challenging not to focus to other’s bullshit, but the fact is if I am really falling into someone’s self-dishonesty to focus into, probably there is something at my door already, what I should focus to first to deal with.
I used to be spiritual, buddhist and so lost in my deluded ass benevolent enlightenment ideas that it was tough to wake up from that, but there was no other way, I was clearly seeing that this is not living.
And once I stopped participating in spiritual agenda, thinking, feeling and patterning, I kept judging all of those still doing so, because I already saw that they are full of crap, just like I was, but I was merely just a little bit out from my shit, so I could take a breath here and there.
When I started to really work with self-forgiveness, self-commitment, self-corrective statements to stop the patterns, the more I let go those patterns, the less I was focusing to others, and the less I was focusing to others, the more I was able to stop my own self-dishonesty.

Same was with alcohol or drugs for instance. It’s so cool to not rely to those, the experiences, the rituals and justifications.
Nowadays I can go to a bar, a party, where many people are literally wasted, high or low, I do not judge them, certainly have my comprehension of what they do and what consequence they seem to create with it, but SELF FIRST is key.

I spent about a decade to mimic to put myself last, but in fact never, and once tried to do so, it was obvious that it is just nonsense. I was about to save the world, yet I could not even save myself from becoming frustrated if I went to a mall with full of people or could not keep my temper when I was annoyed by my girlfriends honesty. Yet, saving the world, lot of crap.

So. Raising my voice is not about me being right or me not being sure if I am right or not. It’s about being able to see what’s here, to be open and honest with myself to see if I am acting upon fear or emotion or I am capable of considering all participants and factors equally within principle.

Speaking facts, exposing dishonesty and abuse starts with self and it naturally flows into embracing our reality, including others as well. If there is anything, anything moves me, it’s not me, it’s a system, thus my responsibility to comprehend, decompose and stop, forgive and let go and take direction within awareness of consequence.

I see that it’s fine to go out with others and focusing on only ‘my purity’ in terms of remaining sober, not to fall into big emotional waves, becoming obsessed with thought patterns, and thinking it is enough, ‘I’ve done my part’ – while the whole world gone mad. Bringing change by living as an example is one thing, but when I am presented with opportunity to communicate, connect and share, stand up for life or accumulate doing something towards what’s best for all, there is no choice, or if there is any, I am being self-dishonest.

But until I do not deal with my obviously visible points, I will not raise my voice – or otherwise I will create the consequence of being wrong. And if I fear being wrong, then I will not even try, so that’s another pattern I justify myself with.
Humans are simple, I am simple if I want to be, and if I see something complicated, not clear, that’s because I do not dare or want to see how things are.
So this is a reminder, if I do not raise my voice when it seems to be, if I always be the nice guy and wait – hope – for others to do the things I consider as probably the right thing, I will never find and realize my true potentials, and for that I will always accumulate frustration towards within myself. – > see, this is also a self-definition, another trap.

So afraid of manifesting consequence based on self-dishonest or deluded perceptions, thus not realizing that meanwhile I am already becoming the consequence of not even trying, it’s almost like giving up before even starting.

Seems quite crazy to write like this, but with the compass of self-honesty and structured process, it’s walk-able and can be transformed into responsible clarity.

If I dream about Bernard to tell me what to do – I already know what I should and want to change within myself, thus this symbol of him was actually myself – to approach and face myself and listen, understand and dare to challenge and change.

It’s this easy to find something to work on self. So, this dream reminded me that Bernard’s one sentence was spot on and how if I recall his words, I actually see what I am still in debt to myself to stand up to and start living as an obvious potential within myself.

What is also clear about the dream – or more likely I liked afterwards, that I chosen process first, friends second, going to meet Bernard, even if he would be direct or raw, challenging and very overwhelming sometimes, I always welcomed as he was support, and if anything he – or anyone say to me – would really hurt my feelings, that’s also supportive to realize the extent of self-delusion I accepted myself to exist within and how timely and common sense to start working on understanding, stopping and changing.

Thanks for reading, self-forgiveness will commence in the next post.

Until that, check out EQAFE and the new Destonians community site.



Day 373 – Waking up resistance and Process

P1010834Waking up as Breath as me, Moment as Me and Process overall

I started to support self-realization with Desteni tools and courses, self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-corrective statements some years ago and it’s literally the holy grail of those who really want to awake.

It is the kind of thing what can’t be explained, because until one does not really-really(honestly) try and live these tools(which are structured way to get to know and debunk our own mind, words and limitations), then it does not seem that special.

It’s literally the most direct way to develop throughout understanding and self-empowerment to be able to finetune, correct and evolve our ability to learn, really feel and become much more effective, because it operates on the mind’s building blocks level, which are words.

No mystical, or belief-related point is in this – but simply learning the ability to question and answer to myself – absolute honesty, open and direct communication with me, my potentials, strengths and even weaknesses.

This is obviously the greatest aspect of life for me, because before applying these understandings, principles and realizations, tools and structured supporting courses and activites, I was literally lost between fear and hope, I was suppressing emotions, was addicted to various things to do, could not admit my responsibilities, the things I resisted to accept in reality and the not real things I kept chasing.

I am really grateful and this is really a pride point in my existence, not that I am proud of myself, but definitely proud to the principle of living in or changing towards Self-honesty, when being witness or part of people realizing and sharing their process of becoming aware of self-dishonesty and the daily commitment, forgiveness and living to change.

I am not proud of myself in particular, but it’s also part of the picture that I used to be – still sometimes but way less – really tough and judgemental about how I perceive and react to my mistakes and weaknesses.

That the practicality is that when I see a mistake I made, instead of judging, mentally and emotionally punishing, abusing myself, whipping up with harsh thoughts to the state of frustration and shame – that’s something I am really releasing these days by the support of Desteni tools, online courses and great community.

As if I do something stupid or dumb, which obviously does not support me, that the solution is not to fight myself, but to slow down, open up and understand – yet not to become too soft or unfocused – its really an art and only comes with consistent work and practical application.

The fact is that writing this blog, walking the Desteni I Process online courses is just a glimpse of the effort people do in Desteni community, because all of these are preparations to real time change.

That is something one can not guarantee and only comes with dedication and effort.

Everyone has their own strenghts and weaknesses, someone can easily stop smoking for instance or drive a car in any situation, while someone other can really struggle with finding a job to earn enough or to not to fall into a relationship what is not mutually supportive.

So, everyone has their own challenges, but as spending a decade decomposing my mind and consciousness to really understand who I am and how I am created, it is obvious that everyone walks the same process.
Maybe the words, the feelings, the pictures and sounds are different in their life, but the same mind mirror consciousness system is with everyone to show what we have accepted and allowed to manifest and what we have to own and take responsibility for to stop self-interest, stop being part of a system what is anti-life, non-sustainable.

To be able to tame and dissolve my own inner demons is just the start – then the whole world opens up and one really can start to work on to continue the expansion and to realize that any separation from anything or anyone in this existence is a protection mechanism for the temporally self-interest bubble, and then it’s obvious that it’s an all or nothing scenario. Noone is really free until everyone is free.

Free means free of fear, free of death, fear of enslavement, fear of fear.

I did not plan the post/writing to be this holistic, but I don’t mind.

What originally wanted to write about is that I had an exhausting work day and had a big nap after lunch. After waking up around 20PM, I felt really heavy, still kind of slow and tired, but I know myself enough to be aware of that it’s not real tiredness, it’s a mental resistance, thus will dissolve.

To support this waking up without the mind system’s exhausting patterns – one of the greatest support for me with Desteni tools was – and still is – this very sentence:

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning(or the afternoon) as moment as me, breath as me.
(Jack – Self-forgiveness: Sleeping  ) The link can be found here among many other points to become aware with Self-forgiveness self-expansion:

Instead of waking up as thinking, focusing to energetic feelings in my mind, my body – what are results of thinking, resistances, desires and worries – mind constructs and judgments, definitions and polarities – to simply wake up as tiny children do: simply breath without thoughts, act, play and express in the moment, as me, as life. Yet with understanding, awareness of responsibility and direction.

Sometimes things and points in this blog seem repetitive, and it’s alright – if throughout the years the same points, issues, patterns come back without any significant and substantial change, that’s a sign that I walk around the real points, not directly into and through them and I might need to re-align, ask for support.

Alone it’s extremely difficult, because one does not see the deception within own’s perception without objective decomposition, absolute self-honesty.
Many go to psychologist, to talk their mind and heart out, that also can help, but with deeply ingrained convictions, automatic patterns, one has to have a technique with a principle to create a way to accumulate the change one wants to manifest.

For instance I already know how to deal with this dull tiredness if occurs to me after waking up – no need to think about, react to it, or judge – but simply apply what is practically working and to see how I can do better, more directly and also how to prevent it to manifest. What contributes to this tiredness during my day, when I am not present, allowing thoughts to chase and react with energy, so then that energy being suppressed and creating this energetic density which sits onto my mind, like a bucket of mud.

All the thoughts are indications of points and things in my life with what I do not yet have real awareness and practical application of self-honest responsibility, that’s why the doubt, worry resonantly triggering those thoughts, activating feelings and emotions – instead of directly LIVING WORDS without any inner play.

It’s humanity’s grand theme to really understand the inner space within our mind and how to honestly support the betterment of mankind with dealing the signs of self-dishonesty, which is manifested within our actions, accumulated to our and future generations.

My mental tiredness after waking up come from the desires, worries I did not yet develop a practical plan which with I trust myself that I am going to do all I can to solve – thus it’s also a mirror to see, what is the reason that I have this experience in a month about 2-3 times.

This post is not about going into details about those, but rather to share that everyone has their dozens of self-honesty points within their life and the ones we do not embrace and take responsibility for, will escalate and will manifest consequences what will even further reduce the perception of our choices, especially, because as a human, it’s so easy to fall into blame, justification and all kinds of emotional distractions.

Not falling into emotional self-traps do not mean not to feel, live or truly love – but when I feel the love, want to feel more or feel a hate – that’s actually completely self-interest – because love is not about how I feel, but it’s about what is really being done in the actual, physical realm.

When I stated ten years ago that I am done with spiritual ‘practises’, ‘beliefs’ and ‘systems’ and I am grounding myself to birth myself as the physical, I did not mean that I am now materialistic and denying everything beyond the matter. No. But what really matters is obvious on the actual physical realm. There are dimensions, many, inter and extra and maybe even ultra-dimensional things, systems or whatever. But to become practical and effective, one has to substantiate all the refractioned, scattered self.

I have an understanding of a lot of buddhist and eastern teaching’s scriptures and guidelines, teachings and I also see what they supposed to mean, there is value and factuality in that. But the whole thing, how is actually manifested is extremely deceiving and entrapping and most of the humans are not supported enough to be able to see those mental and emotional traps, because their own convictions and beliefs, hopes and fears. Thus it is not suggested to continue participating in those systems, simply because they literally are like one step forward, two steps back in the longer term.

Many will not realize this, or they will when they are too old to do something about it as they layered up and ‘consequenced’ their life to the point of everything is so automatic that it’s extremely challenging to stop those mind-patterns. And even if those patterns are about meditation, inner emptiness experience, feeling blissful and positive – that’s also an elaborate trap.

I am not sure if I was lucky, chosen or simply being really ready to be able to really apply critical investigation to spirituality and being able to see the shortcomings and fallacy within those.

It’s all about what’s really the motivation, to feel free or really, proven to walk into freedom from my own self-limitations.

The solution to my dazed, groggy tired experience after waking up is really simple – start moving, expressing without thinking mind, without worry, and as I move, as I breath, as I write these words, as literally directing myself to type these letters on the keyboard – I am here. Not in the past, not in the future, fully here.

And I guarantee this – this ‘I am here’ – is just a location reference and as one ‘spends more time’ in and as ‘this moment as expression, here within awareness of me being here’ – it expands and substantiates and brings more realizations, self-trust and clarity.

And within self-direction – self-movement I look – what really worries me, what I truly desire, and what is the solution about that.

Many can worry about to be really honest with myself – they just end up being really selfish or even evil, to just want to be rich, money, power, sex and all kinds of stuff – so they rather not be honest about what they truly desire.

It’s alright to admit – and to also acknowledge that it’s a state for now – maybe I truly desire to have sex with that lady, who I just barely know – and self-honesty is not to be like: ‘aha – so I honestly want to have sex with her, okay, how to do that, lets go’.

But often this self-honesty is just the surface of an other layer, for instance – ‘I really desire a partner, trust someone, mutual support, live with, etc’ – and then the next ‘aha’ – is that maybe I hope that this lady would be that someone I miss to have.

And many also stops there, and they chase relationship, wife, family and financial stability.

One also can look further, why I need these qualities, these words to be experienced BY SOMEONE, what I truly lack within myself for myself, and I can for instance see : I really miss love – because I do not love myself, I want to feel loved, because I don’t know how to love myself.

what is love – what is life, who I am?

It’s that easy to have existential crisis – so many do not do this to really face what’s within and not just ask but try to answer as well.

This is why for many, psychedelic drugs are so creepy scary things – as one can just slip into this state of questions and then to realize that ‘holy fuck I have no idea, clarity or real understanding’.
Some then gets freaked out, some uses it as a motivation to start a journey to find answers.

I bring drugs up as myself have experience with those, but what I have realized that they can induce fascinating experiences, really intense, very cool and also very uncool moments – but eventually, when I was ready to really answer these questions, then the drugs were in the way, they are distraction, too much lubrication of the mind, where I already realized that having those automatic habits of thought and reaction patterns are not solving, so until one do not stop taking the substances, will always slip back willingly or unwillingly to the patterns honestly really wants to change already.

Do I only want to have a feel in relation to see these unanswered questions, do I only want to feel oneness or I actually want real awareness, which is responsibility and practical understanding of action and consequences? 

So, after all those mind-blowing years, my real self-realization process started only when stopped the substances and started writing within self-honesty, to be able to forgive myself to still participating within patterns I already knew that I am sabotaging self-growth and taking responsibility for my and my surrounding’s reality.

Truly we are our own worst enemy and greatest support as well.

To be able to admit for instance that I allow lack of clarity and spending time in doubt because of financial instability brings up the point of working on my fears, doubts based on memory and childhood imprinting, and also to start practically looking in current reality of what I can actually do to dig myself out from the lack of money or to be able to see if it is really the problem in my life, or just distracting myself with the idea and excuse of having these problems, as by objectively looking, I am no way being rich, but earning so much more than anyone in my family for instance.

So decomposing the mind is great, the most important aspect of it is to structure and self-direct – not to start chasing thoughts and then ending up being chased by those and just jumping all over from problem to problem and not solving anything.

That’s where Desteni I Process online course is my life saver as the lessons, assignments, chats with the buddy, week by week – provides a timeline to walk through points with objective insights.
It has a cost, yes – as the whole course, the people invest their life to create, run and improve these courses every day, currently in this world money is a fuel, a symbol of awareness of creation, but if look back to see who I would be without paying and walking these courses – it’s really close to being scary to see how bad shape I was before in comparison to who I am today and I am still in these courses, every week working on patterns, weaknesses, honesty points and practical solutions.

That’s beyond value, because it’s literally the betterment of the world – which starts with ourselves. And this is not a vain or pride thing to say, but to clarify what it means to walk this process.

Sharing these doubts, fears, dishonesties in this public blog is also part of it – as I realize who I accepted myself to become, but I do not accept myself as these self-dishonesty points and I am going to change, and I share the process of change – this is integrity. Thus I develop self-trust, and also to stand up with and as the world – that this is who I really am, I am open book and everyone is encouraged to join and participate.

This is a really great substantiation of all the desteni tools and materials and experiences, really can support with practical living in self-honesty:

This is also an other way to explore how to catalyze self-expansion:

Great library of studies about the mind and consciousness, problems and solutions, existence and all kinds of health, and many more issues:

Day 372 – Resistances

P1020032Interesting to find out who I am if I stray away from my preferences, priorities, habits and definitions.

Let’s rephrase it: the only way to find out who I REALLY am is to question each definitions I find within.

An example: I really don’t like raw onion. It just gives me the creeps whenever a little piece is in my food – most of humans are okay with onion, so they don’t realize that even a tiny bit of onion in a food can actually contaminate the whole thing, as what I don’t like about it is that the taste sticks to my mouth, so influential and dominant, and it literally can ruin any great food eating experience, which to – to a certain extent I am exposed to be completely vulnerable.
I used to be really picky about this and nowadays if it’s just a little part, it’s fine, I embrace it – still not liking it, but not really reacting as it’s does not make sense and I do not allow myself to be influenced and directed by this experience anymore. But it was quite a process to walk.
And I still pick the big raw onion parts from a frozen pizza before putting it into the oven.

It’s just a simple example – perfect to self-introspection – not like some serious stuff as world system, money, relationship, sex, addiction or other ‘deeper’ pattern to look at.

Yet, what I find is that I am not aware of how deep and intense this self-preference is and how much I allow this to be triggered at events I do not have control over or if I do, then I am well compromised by that decision to control this point in my life. For instance not eating – which is fine, never had to starve yet because of this.

But I really resist to have a bite to a raw onion. I know it would be fine, it’s just I do not want it and I am willing to sacrifice comfort or practicality in order to serve this preference of mine to avoid eating raw onion.

Strange – such an insignificant point in relation to the whole world, yet I could write pages only about this.

Resistances are the points each of us should actively look at and investigate, because that’s where we find self-limitation.

I used to resist driving cars for decades, until I faced the fear and decided to walk through. Took quite some time, but now I drive – left or right side of the road, does not matter and I am grateful for transcending this resistance.

I used to smoke marijuana in order to re-create certain mind-states and experiences what I believed to be more effective, stable, enjoyable and creative – but this belief proven to be self-conviction for reasons I resisted to admit and be honest about. But I worked on it and did let it go. Long years since I do not use this stuff – even if people around me do – I am not interested. I am more interested in what I can do with clear, self-directed and expressed, sober mind.
I have learned a lot about why I chosen to smoke – suppressing emotions, resisting responsibilities, deluding myself with abilities I wanted to feel to have, and more of these patterns probably can be true to others, these points are my self-honesty points to face and do something about them – everyone has their own reasons to justify and not look at the resistances behind reasons.

I have resisted to leave my home country and did not want to admit why, but eventually did and it really supported me to move forward from my financial and professional stumbling.

I also resist relationship to a certain extent – rather hoping and fishing than actively moving and finding possible partner with reasons of specific preferences and inflated expectations based on past memories or desires, unadmitted fears.

I resist hoard, put aside, accumulate money to bigger amounts yet wanting to – although when I decompose the reasonings behind not doing it, they are questionable and containing excuses.

I resist to admit that I sometimes can catch myself on being a bit racist, which is not acted out and generic and not applicable to actual humans around me, yet within absolute, brutal self-honesty – I am not totally clear of it, yet I commit myself to cleanse, purify, forgive and let go all of these.

I also resist to publicly admit my weaknesses, however I am fully aware of that it is self-dishonesty to identify myself with who I accept myself to exist as today, but rather use as a reference location point from where I can understand the reality, creation and manifestation of me to be able to start changing myself about these points, specifically, knowing without thinking, here, seeing within me clearly and totally.

Well, weaknesses are holding doors to gifts I am not aware yet, because I resist to see that part of myself within that resistance for a reason. That reason I must discover, I must become able to communicate with myself – no higher or lower self bullshit, no inner child or god or buddha nature definition is necessary – simply to become self-honestly ask and answer to myself.

Why I hate raw onion? What’s the problem with it’s contaminating and dominating taste and smell? What I really don’t like about it, is there a particular fear or experience I automatically react with?
There are at least a half dozen points I can see about this, none of them alone are really strong enough to have conviction, but altogether: yes – I have this set, relations of reasons, and they also rely to each other – well, I literally rely to link one self-definition to others, thus none of them alone are decisive, but how my mind, how everyone’s mind works is that they create layers, the algorithm is simplifying, abstracting and automatizing to shorten to walk through certain neural paths in the mind to be able to step beyond this one pattern.

So if I go to a restaurant and look at the menu, I do not contemplate about onion for 30 minutes – I just defined myself to simply ignore all food containing raw onion without a thought.

This is cool, yet if any of those definitions, conclusions, preferences, judgements contain any fear-based resistance and I use that to reason why I do or don’t do something – then I can easily build a personality system what is built on self-dishonesty and it becomes automatic, natural.
Then – I can really resist to decompose certain self-convictions, because I might find out that I was lying to myself all the time, so then my self-trust and confidence can become less certain, so I might end up realizing that I have no idea what’s going on and that can be scary!
And we are quite complex humans – resistance has many forms, mental, emotional, even physical patterns automatically activate – I’ve seen people literally fall asleep when they were about to realize something profound about their existence – it’s just too much and the mind shuts down.

Many times I had so cold, shaking, really uncomfortable physical experience when I was about to start doing something I was really resisting before. All my beingness shouts that I should not do this, because a strong fear of something is kicking in and literally getting the cold feet. Ain’t fun, but it’s quite liberating.
Sounds silly, but when I first did meet with a lady from online dating, I was quite anxious. Nothing really to lose – but all the childhood worries and ideas, fears and desires – fear of rejection, fear of judgement, fear of fear – it’s just overwhelming. But I started to get to know myself within these experiences of resistances and the most relevant point is to always be aware of that I can change patterns within me – thus judging, punishing, fighting myself is completely unnecessary and counterproductive.
Humans are so wicked, even resisting to stop fighting can be overwhelming as the program is to always generate mind-energy, preferably with positive experiences, but if there is no other way, let the drama come, just to feel something, to feel alive, etc – such sad realization but it’s just a state – I can forgive myself, I can stop myself, I can re-define and re-birth of who I am.

Resistance is key to become comfortable to face and transcend, otherwise by time we all become more and more limited until merely existing on pre-programmed organic robot level.

The ability to reveal, question and change our own program code is where the distinction of creation and creator melts as if I can’t change what’s created as myself, then I am actually irrelevant, because I will cease to exist. Why? Because then I only exist as someone who was created and I have no power to change that, so then I will live like that until I am being changed by forces outside of my will and direction – which is the opposite of actual freedom.

So then freedom is maybe when I can change creation, so then I am the creator. It’s often scary, because it’s unknown. Fear of unknown is quite a resistance, but there is no other way to transcend limitations.


I forgive myself that I have not realized what I resist and why within my personality, preferences, judgments, experiences, realizations and actions – and within that not admitting that what I resist persists, thus a self-limitation I accept, maintain and re-create, thus literally imprisoning myself with not facing, walking through and transcending my resistances.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed to realize that resistances can be investigated and understood, the words, the connection, the relationships within that pattern can be decomposed, the self-dishonesty to forgive myself for and be able to prevent myself going into the same mistakes again, thus start discovering what’s beyond this resistance.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that resistances are self-directed decisions to accept and carry, and each and every single one of those accumulate into a personality what is self-limitation within self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that a very effective way to walk through resistances is writing within self-honesty, writing and sounding self-forgiveness, because within that I am becoming aware of specificity and reasons, starting point and trigger points, thus being able to see a pattern before participating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify why accepting resistances and why defining myself based on the resistances I accept, protecting to maintain those resistances while not realizing that these resistances are locking away potentials of who I can be and I have all the power and opportunity to liberate myself from these self-limitations.

I commit myself to discover, understand, forgive and stop participate within each resistances I accept and to apply the Desteni Process, self-forgiveness, self-correction and self-commitment to focus on practical real time change.

Support in relation to RESISTANCE:

Day 371 – Quiet mind and decompose patterns

P1010738I forgive myself that I have not realized the solution as simplicity within quiet mind presence as not seeing that thinking is indication of doubt, fear and insecurity and trying to create a construct within what I can explain, categorize, process and solve with polarity, definitions, judgments and opinions, instead of realizing the solution as stop the mind and directly see, feel and act.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity as solution within decomposing complicated and not understood patterns within my mind, personality and behavior, wherein if I am unable to apply direction within clarity, then I am not owned by me here, but of the accumulated consequence of past acceptances becoming a pattern which I choose to trust, without realizing that this is self-disempowerment and self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have ever bothered to overcomplicate, to become frustrated and worried about issues and things in my head, which I felt overwhelmed by and defined as too much and irritating, while not admitting that not the actual problems ahead are complicated, but my attitude, algorythms in my mind to justify self-dishonesty without being aware of the specificity.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the mind only works effectively if its quiet in there – and within that not realizing that the more I express and live, expand and discover within the quiet mind state, the more I realize that not the mind works but I, as living expression directly move and thus realizing the common sense within always decomposing patterns of the mind until I directly can see each starting point, movement, reason and connection – thus then I can make a decision within awareness and responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have allowed to get attached to, defined by and hooked on the justification of ‘I don’t know’ and ‘I don’t understand’ about myself of how and why I feel or think or do something and not realizing that I can apply writing and techniques and tools to break the self-delusion of not knowing which is in a way of give up, because that ‘give up’ experience gives a temporally relief of pressure and not seeing that this will return and I am slave of my self-created mind-loop-trap.

I forgive myself that I have not realized all the actual specific points in my day to day life, what I react to with frustration and stress, or irritation or dislike, resistance or fear and not realizing the simplicity within consistent application of writing and investigating the words and their relationships within me.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I justify specific points within me to accept self-created worry when those points are being triggered within me and not realizing that I am not aware of it to the degree of when and how it’s being activated, and once I react, I am sucked into the experience, distracted and within that I do not realize the extent of losing myself, and afterwards not working through what happened and to prevent myself falling into the same again and again by looking the problem and the solution directly.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that self-forgiveness as the basic of self-honesty is the most direct and effective way to prepare myself to be aware and present, understanding and willing to change by seeing action and consequence in front of me without need to think in the mind.

When and as I start to feel heavy within looking towards things what I am not certain about – such as money, world system, partnership – I realize – I am already complicating by carrying my past, judgments, definitions and patterns what I know that it’s not common sense – thus I let the construct in my head go and look at the point with practicality – facts, reality timeline, my physical body, the words I think, say or act – their relationships and I understand – discover, and wherever I see self-dishonesty, as patterns of fear, greed, postponement, judgement, superiority or inferiority, etc – I realize – that has to be investigated further and decomposed to the point of being able to re-define words as action what I want to live without polarity/self-interest and fear.

When and as I am not sure what is self-interest or not self-interest, I investigate – and realize that the doubt comes from not investigating or accepting patterns to move and influence me without being awarwe of their details, trigger point, my responsibility and possible self-honesty – thus decompose, write, forgive, stop and explore in real time application of what’s beyond this specific self-limitation.

I commit myself to decompose all patterns of the mind to be able to see everything I do or think or feel as what it is within facts and to be able to catch self-interest before acting upon, thus prevent consequences to manifest what are not best for all.

I commit myself to reference the quiet mind within daily living application without becoming obsessed or distracted with the point of ‘quietness’ but focusing on accumulation of decomposition, forgiveness and actual change.

I commit myself to enjoy giving myself moments of quietness and simply be, express myself be fully here without reason, goal or agenda but to be my living expression to embrace all what is here and see who I am as life and trust myself unconditionally – and if any of this is being difficult or impossible – I apply the decomposition and investigation, self-forgiveness and move myself to real time change breath by breath.

SELF AND LIVING – exceptional self-support:

The process of self, mind and body relationship mapping – exploring your own innerverse:


Day 370 – Daily Forgiveness and Walk

P1010668Today just generic Self-forgiveness from this point and see where I move from here.

  • I forgive myself that I have not considered the fact that reality is something what is always here, in and as the physical and if I am not aligned with it in thought, word and deed, I am living in an alternate, virtual, delusional reality and even if I convinced myself that it’s okay to shift back and forth, not realizing that the consequences I create in my separate, personal reality due to the separation experience from reality will inevitably manifest in the reality as well, just more unpredictably, thus determining my actual life to be insecure, uncertain and confusing, because I am not aware of what I actually cause and how – because if I would be, I certainly would consider to stop this madness of self-awareness and would focus to re-align with all life awareness here in and as the physical reality.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that each moment I skip breath as awareness, presence and inner silence of thoughts, feelings and emotions, I stop birthing myself into and as the physical here, thus prolonging my deluded experience of existence through and as the mind consciousness system, because even that I know that the source of the consciousness is the physical, it’s automatism is so ingrained and infested into each moment of my life, that I am being overwhelmed by reactions I did not yet decompose and realize how to prevent participating within.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the strive to do more, be faster, better and just to simply state be and feel, experience – thus pretend – to be more than who I am here today – this is causing me to always strive, be vulnerable to the patterns of insecurity and fear, causing me to skip a breath, because wanting to think the situation I am within through, in order to get by, get through – and not realizing that this abdication of responsibility only leads to time loop and manifesting more consequences, thus more reason to react again to the situation, and if starting to move towards realizing what is actually here in and as the reality, then I would be overwhelmed and would experience instability and intensified fear, thus would want to return to the more stable experience of ‘all right’-type of self-interest, as long as I can keep feeding my mind-possessions of fulfilling my self-created desires and evading to face my fears in a reasonably acceptable rate.
  • When and as I want to do more, want to be more, want to seem more, or to have, feel or experience more than what is here in my direct reality available, I stop and I allow myself to breathe, just breathe, wash away the polarity of my mind-activities and just embrace myself as inner quietness, purely physical being and move myself to directly see, directly feel, directly decide without thinking and if I can’t, then I decompose the patterns I am not aware of to be able to move about.
  • When and as I am walking, I walk here, I focus to the action, the feel, the physical, the breathing, the gravity, the air, the movement, the body, the surroundings and I allow my mind to be quiet.
    I direct myself to have a polarity-free peace while physically moving, as when I move, my mind stops.

As I physically walk, I walk through the mind, I can see the mind, I can feel the mind, but I direct myself to not participate in the mind, not react to the mind, only embracing, understanding and expanding within breathing awareness.

  • When and as I walk, let’s say the hallway at the office I work at – and I catch a little trouble in my mind, such as a thought of something I should do, I should not forget, a worry of something happened/would about to happen, I acknowledge the notion and I move forward.
    I see/realize and understand that within awareness, if I do not seize it with giving the permission and the control to the thinking mind, I can embrace just a little more and more with each breath, this is the real and tangible infinity which awaits to all humans, already today: the liberation with breath through and as understanding, forgiving and embracing the mind to see and understand beyond with practical common sense and that no one knows what’s possible as we have all been limited to our own imagination based on desires and fears we previously could imagine and got stuck with them, thus the realization is to let go all I hold onto and focus to what is here in and as the physical here.
  • When and as I worry about money, not having enough, not being able to afford, pay or sort out something financially, I realize – one breath at a time, and to structure, plan, consider – my proven best practical way is to sit down and write all to a paper/text file and do account all and without any worry influence to make the best practical decision and then plan the solution and move forward and then the end of the day/cycle, to check reality again, commitment and decision too and if required, realign, adjust, change, step back or completely stop – it’s all within self-direction without accepting fear and worry, devotion and desire, but simply as decision as who I am as living life.

Challenging point – the office does not feel physically too friendly – cold-ish, dry air, fluorescent lights – it’s temporally, but I take the challenge as something to enjoy and to see what I can do to support my body, presence and continuous realizations within this environment, what I can actually do to make sure that I can work effectively and efficiently, while considering my body, process and have fun.

Today in the office I was all day in my light jacket and big scarf – it was okay, although I had the thought that I might seem as someone is just arriving or about to leave – that made me smile, although did not really care, as I was enjoying that this gave me comfort. Also – drinking a lot of water – I am quite effective within this, and nowadays, as having the last days of the flu – still needs to hydrate more – so today one of my focus points was to drink enough water, do not feel cold and not get tired – meaning not to fall into the mind-tiredness experience.
It went well, until about 15h – and I realized that I have created the cycle of big break in this period and did not come, and I was seeing that I expect something what does not ‘come’ by itself and that relationship was like a waiting process and within that I was reacting and judging the situation and then I felt a bit of tiredness – not because of the job was exhausting or I actually got tired, but because I stopped self-directing and moving and automatically falling back to the mind-realm, where I am exposed to the needs of energy experiences.
Was fascinating to see that this realization was missing from my inventory – although in theory I knew it since years: it’s not enough to forgive and stop patterns, I actually have to fill up the void with self-movement, self-direction and self-creation in each moments equally, otherwise I stop expanding and the mind is vast, well, limited, but if I stop, I don’t see, I don’t really feel, only through the one dimension of the mind, which can just make me believe that it’s infinite, although it’s just one tiny slice of me. But definitely need to deal with it, otherwise it will always be at my nose – in the way of moving and expanding. Dealing: meaning to understand what that tiny dimension in this situation actually means and why is currently blocking my way to simply live without fear.

Even boredom and tiredness can be backtracked to fear – let’s say it’s a homework. There will be a mind-construct, a timeline of thoughts, reactions, actions and events and somewhere inbetween, one can find that honesty with self – fear. Fascinating. Within the era of human created A.I. – there is so much potential – imagine a self-honest A.I. develops an A.I.

Who said life only can be born from the organic physical? Hehe, will see…

Nonetheless, it’s our call of duty to start living without any lies to ourselves or others.

Consciousness Shift and the Death of the Physical – Life Review