Day 312 – A sudden tiredness while writing

danc-1I was writing about a point when all of a sudden I felt tired. I was writing for a while and then in the next moment I am super tired, and I had to stop writing(typing).

I went out, got some fresh air, chilling night, walked around a bit and then realized that this tiredness is mental, not physical. Exists only in the mind. As it came, was gone again.

So, whenever I give into the mental tiredness without being really tired, I am actually compromising myself.

But what was the reason of such tiredness EXPERIENCE? There was a judgement for which I felt reaction to.

I was writing about dancing and I started to write a little history of my relationship with dancing, how and why I started to do it, my initial resistances to it, some of my experiences when I broke through that resistance and actually how I came to who I am today, totally enjoying to dance.

About that process – it was related to mind-altering substances and I was uncertain that I should write down all of my history or get right to the point of what I wanted to share.
But for that to effectively share everything being relevant to the ‘story’ – I wanted to throw a brief of history. Just to expand on how much someone can change.

But then judgements started to arise. First of all, my first real dancing experience was related to MDMA, street name: ecstasy. But then I was reacting about, what if people would misunderstand me, and would think that I am promoting the drug. And I often stated this: with actual, professional support, these induced experiences can bridge through difficulties, but eventually the individual as self has to stand as physical substance directly, not with mind-altering substance.

And no matter what are the facts, which is that I expanded with the drug and I thought that who I am today is actually ‘beyond’ drugs and again reminded myself not wanting to promote them.

So then I was uncertain about how to share myself without my own personal back-story.

Well, I also want people to be able to relate, especially those who are still taking drugs at parties for dancing. But I got into the reaction of judging all of these and the more I started to judge, the more this became complicated and I was becoming uncertain, or at least not being completely satisfied with what and how I wrote. I started to react to the point of becoming distracted with the experience of reactions from the topic and direction I decided to write about.

Then, all of a sudden I felt really tired. Interesting.

While I have this obvious, clear and visible direction – I am not tired – and when I start to doubt, judge, react, hesitate – I am tired. As experience.

Let’s see this self-definition: I am tired. I have tried, but now I am tiredness, not direction, not motivation.

The human mind is so powerful device, this should be taught from childhood, on how the typical mind-constructs work, what are the usual self-sabotage patterns into which most of the human individuals can reason themselves to go into with certain, selective and personally specific topic, and once inner judgements have been made, thought-chain-reactions were ran through, emotional or feeling energies have been generated and experienced: the very perception of that individual is being influenced, limited, shaped and formed according to the specific origin and source points of self-separation based on fear already exist within the person’s inner core of being without ever being noticed.

But instead, people learn a bunch of totally unnecessary and superficial ‘sciences’ and ‘arts’ at school, even the history what is being taught dominates with resonances of justification, acceptance and allowance of massive scale of abuse against life without compassing through with real dignity. Doing that by completely disregarding individual statuses, abilities, affinities and talents, thus breaking down the natural learning ability of the child and omitting to teach the most relevant keystones of living, which is being able to be honest with self and how to explore, nurture and develop an intimate relationship with self with direct physical human body expression and through defining, saying and living words in synch.

That’s why I suggest to question every experience in the mind, many-many times a simple ‘tiredness’ can be result of an inner resistance to not see, to not realize, to be able to justify self-limitation and choosing comfort versus hurting with the truth of what extent humans are lacking self-direction, self-trust and self-honesty.

So this is a reminder to be able to catch such inner movements and reactions before becoming one with the experience, which then is basically self-persuaded acceptance for self-limitation: in my case: to not write down, to not develop the writing for being able to share what I decided to. Maybe, possibly, because I still could learn and expand something about this aspect of myself, which I might still resist unconsciously. This then is an other common sense point to continue and see what I can discover. So.

I am going to finish the writing about my story, relationship and changes about dance, because there are a lot to share and I find it quite relevant to be able to write down my realizations about how to embrace my own body and how to express without thoughts, feelings and emotions, but directly as self-expression.

I used to believe that the best thing I could ever do is to become and live ‘undefined’, but it turns out that decomposing and letting go self-limiting definitions is just the first step and actually can be supportive to re-define words to be able to live them within clarity and response-able awareness of inner self and outer world as equal as one. And that is the real art of transformation of matter, the one and only true alchemy, when literally shit turns to gold, which is the metaphor to the unification of man from self-dishonest to self-honest.

Day 310 – Why people stop transcending?

Why people stop transcending?

Just a quick rant I’ve audio-recorded recently, immediately, when I’ve awaken in my bed(‘that’s why my voice sounds less focused) – then added some video timelapses to create a video  – but to ensure understanding, just transcribed it also here:

Why people stop transcending?
It’s equally fascinating question – why people start transcending?

Is it really a choice? And in this context – equally interesting.
Maybe stop transcend is neither a choice.

So instead of judging people, try to decompose what options might be in front of the individual where stopping expanding and giving up being honest with self.
For instance I participate in a self-support forum, which really supports with facing self-dishonesty, delusions and providing tools to decompose any thought-based or emotional-automatic reactions, what are in fact based on fear and delusional separation from self, from the world. And sometimes people all of a sudden just say ‘I’m done with this, I’m out of here.’ And no longer participate with this process. And one might wonder what is happening with their own mind and the most important point is that self comes first in terms of responsibility, so instead of judging another’s always look at myself, where I am at my own responsible self-honesty process.
And whenever I’d judge them as uncool or becoming uncertain or even starting to feel emotional reactions, that’s my responsibility to transcend, because if I miss that opportunity, I definitely go into delusion by judging them, projecting issues from my own mind to others. Similar, when people angry they become for the politicians, of what they do apparently to them. And blaming others will never be solution.
And I just wonder, maybe the situation with those, who transcend patterns is that they got to the position and the opportunity to sort out some points within their mind and from now on they can live more comfortably or easily access their own wants, because faced a fear and then were able to let that go, which was blocking their expression. And then all of a sudden: oh – but if I do not fear, I can enjoy myself and go out get stuff, what others also do, why bothering continuing to decompose these patterns in my mind, because fuck this, I feel good now, I should feel good, and only focus to how I experience and what I want.

And yeah, maybe that’s just simple as that. Or they faced a particular pattern fear, which they did not required, maybe they required, but they did not ask for support and assistance to cross-reference what’s real and what’s not and then not wanting to face a particularly, apparently big fear within themselves and starting to justify:
It’s alright if I’m afraid of my kid would get hurt, it’s normal parenting.
It’s normal to accept any justifiable fear, it’s only human.

And these kind of excuses can grow on someone in their mind and all of a sudden gets it becomes momentum and gets direction with self-definition, meaning they believe, it’s them and not realizing it’s accumulated acceptance of self-dishonesty, which they literally become and will be much more difficult to decompose now even the decision have been taken over.
I’ve seen many times.
Hey, everyone, literally everyone have their own moments of transcendence and then seeing things clearly. Maybe, because just hit rock bottom and in that moment everyone can see. But the question is how I continue from that point and am I willing to justify and protect my self-interest and choose a comfortable self-limitation.

And also many people just can become effective in the system by decomposing to a certain degree, being able to change their own personality to become more successful and ‘whoo yeah, I am now successful, I can get money, I can get property, I can get family, I can get happiness so to speak, so I’m done, I’ve transcended, I’ve reached the goal I wanted, and from now on I will enjoy life.
They probably stopped transcending all patterns, because they do not yet understand that everything is interconnected, just maybe not being able to experience it, but still.

And to take responsibility for all as one as equal as myself here is much harder and difficult and longer process to walk through, then just to get to the point of ‘Oh, I am now cool, thanks, bye’.

And I should always reflect back from my own points, where I experience this and see someone so to speak ‘leaving’.
They will never leave from themselves anyway, so if there is opportunity, I get to know more of the situation and then if possible and if I already checked myself within and I’m completely clear of reactions and I’m present within silence, yet I understand what’s the situation, I can offer support, cross-referencing assistance, but if they do not take the opportunity, I have to let go, let them go and continuing walking the process and focus to what I can have responsibility for, directing myself, my own direct reality, my own relationships, my own life, which I can change.
Thank you very much.


Day 308 – Child’s brick wall mind model

img_6111Talking about the ‘model’ of brick wall mind of a child and how comes that most of the innocent, clever and awesome kids when they grow up ending up having all kinds of mental and emotional scars and problems to have anxiety, doubt, addiction, depression, fears, etc and thus compromising their self-trust, ability and natural expression of enjoyment and exploration of life.

Start learning life-changing self-supportive tools, skills and abilities at the unique and common sense-based free online course of DESTENI I PROCESS LITE.

Learn living to our utmost potentials by re-defining and living words:

Day 307 – Anxiety/excitement separation

img_9036An interesting point opened up – I was about to go to a place with someone and I had this experience of anxiety and excitement at the same time. It was not even certain if it’s positive or negative, I guess it was neither and both at the same time. However it was not direct and directed by me, and I could not really just say stop, so started to look at what’s this
A 2 minute video about the experience:

When I experience and live through my mind, it’s a separation, not I am directing, not I am creating, not I am actually experiencing directly, but I deal with everything through my mind’s ‘interface’.

It’s a typical system within the mind – my mind: certainly – two parts of the opposite polarities, conflicting about it within, making me look inside, not the actual cause, but the consequence, the reactions, the experience.

So as I am excited with anticipation and anxious with worry at the same time and I am still drained towards the event/experience – and by actually doing so, realizing that it’s not about the place, not about the person I go with, but with my own mind-setup and reactions being triggered.

Even pretending to not being aware what I am doing – certainly yes – denying, procrastinating, distracting – to say no at a situation and to say yes in another – while even having the slightest doubt – resulting with emerging emotions and feelings rendering me actual dumb, in the sense of all self-trust, confidence and integrity I can ruin in a second – within me – in relation to myself – and from that point I am exposed to all of my still unresolved self-dishonesty. Secret desire – which I did not even admit to myself yet? Denied resistance, what I should take responsibility for to embrace?

Important to realize that within the path to absolute self-honesty – any mistake might seem as absolute self-dishonesty – so it’s to discipline, re-align and not to judge myself.

But if I rely to not push to my utmost potentials, just because ‘I will not judge myself’ – that’s again undermining self-trust and self-direction – resulting to wallow into more self-dishonesty deliberately, until I will stand up.

So it’s not just to realize that I am one with this experience, or I am equal with it – but if I am not one and equal with and as ‘it’, which means being aware of if to it’s utmost specificity, being able to direct it as myself – then that means I am not one and equal with it, thus existing within self-separation. That’s then another starting point and perspective to start investigate from.

My current point of anxiety/excitement originates from secret desires and resistances not being honest to myself about and then both being triggered, I am creating this friction within, which, even if it’s not cool experience, I don’t stop.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have a tendency to create friction within my mind by reacting to different things with different polarity extremes, like being excited and anxious about it at the same time and not realizing that desire and resistance I face at the same time and thus accepting to remain within self-separation, conflict without being able to remain directive, inner silent and to apply practical common sense.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that my excitement is also a form of fear, anxiety, as based on judgments, imagination, desire, definitions, polarity and energetic experiences, and within that form of expression, I am not trusting myself to directly face, experience, live and be in this event, situation, but to create anticipation and preconditioning in my mind and then with that already create an experience, strong enough to be influenced by, stimulated with, even when the actual event/situation/experience is here, thus actually living in the past, not allowing myself to fully embrace the moment – due to a lack of self-trust, which I do not want to admit, face, forgive and stop for a reason I am also not admitting.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am not aware of the self-dishonesty, distracting, conflicting mind-experiences, points I face, and within that trying to prove to myself why I am not powerful, responsible, capable, actually: willing to be able to stop and change and within that not realizing that try – actually exposing myself that it’s self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that whenever anxiety and excitement kicks in – I am being moved by my past, my judgments, and if I do not become aware fully of all of it’s(my) patterns, I will participate again, thus re-creating the past, stop changing, expanding, living.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can apply common sense of whenever I experience excitement to the degree of overwhelming me, or an anxiety, which also overwhelms me, or I can’t just stop, even if it should be practical – so that means if I can’t stop, when I want to – that means I have a problem, a conflict, a point to open up, understand, forgive and become aware of how to really stop it and give myself a chance to face and live experiences/events/situations without any emotion/feeling but to live the words.

Not to focus or seek the experience of joy, but to express and live, share and be the word enjoyment.

Quite a difference.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I have the experience of excitement AND anxiety at the same time, I have conflict within me which I do not understand, or never really looked to fully understand, and thus it’s influencing me the way which is not supporting me to be present, directive, to live words without positive or negative connotations.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that whenever I am excited to the point of overwhelming and when seeing within me that there is subject and object, it means am not directly living the word excitement, but through my mind, based on polarity, definitions, separation, thus it’s not the possibly fullest potential of me.

I forgive myself that I have not understood why it’s my fullest potential to experience, live and be without my mind’s definitions, reactions, polarity and believing that emotions and feelings are key to feel, and express myself, meanwhile those are actually limited consequences of my self-defined mind-experiences, based on another experiences I had before.

When and as I experience overwhelming excitement and/or anxiety – I slow down – I breathe, I let everything go and to see if I can stop it, as myself, as equal as one – breathe in, stop, breathe out – continue stopping, not going anywhere in my mind, but be present, stopping, being here.

When and as I can’t stop an anxiety/excitement within myself, I start to apply self-forgiveness written/and-or aloud, to find out what’s I am still separated from within my current awareness, which thus I cannot embrace, become equal and one to be able to stop – and within that finding, also understanding why it happened, how.

When and as I experience resistance/denial/excuse why not to explore to the utmost specificity an anxiety, an excitement, I realize that it’s fear – which as I give into will grow, while my self-trust reduces, thus I have to make a stand and push through the resistance – and if it’s not doable, then focus to the resistance itself, word it, work with it, until it’s walkable through, then continue to work with the excitement/anxiety.

Stopping the mind is not a new thing – this concept exists quite some time – eastern and western cultures, education, documents, scriptures often mention it, but it should not be tainted with anything of belief.
It should be practical common sense, no magic, no rituals, no belief whatsoever.

The human mind consciousness is not magic and it seems to be beyond human comprehension, it’s because of self-dishonesty. That should be re-mediated first and then the door will be open real understanding without being biased with our own personal agenda and past.

Day 308 – Rebuilding self

img_1001Rebuilding Self

I remember, when I was talking with Bernard, he told me that once I decompose my mind and personality, I will be able to re-create, rebuild a completely new me, according to who I want to be and become.

That seemed strange in that time, about 6-7 years ago, but already saw some potential in that.

I was at a 2 days body art – body time – self-supporting – awareness workshop weekend training and with some friends and about a dozen of new people and we had all kinds of various plays, situations, within many, we stood, walked and moved really close to each other and it was like a flock of birds. I had no thoughts or emotions, I was part of the flock, in a way I was the flock, but still had my individual presence within it. It was interesting experience. I had no fear of losing myself, neither of desire to be more.

I am reflecting back to my ‘old self’, who I was before started to decompose my mind-patterns I constitute of. That old Tala could have felt awkward, a bit anxious and uncertain, because my mind would have been overwhelmed by comparisons, judgments, definitions, associations, reactions.

Also, there were situations wherein my eyes were blindfolded and I could walk in the room and explore, meet and interact with others without words – just movement. Whenever I realized that I touch an other man’s hand – I did not feel awkward or confused, not, because I would define myself to be attracted to men, not really – but within that situation, which was completely not about sex, it was okay to just communicate with a touch – like blind and silent people probably would do. This brought up a lot of other senses, like smelling, space-awareness, gravity, body balance, and the touch itself.
I also encountered with women and in fact regardless of I could decide if the person is a woman or not, I was able to interact with no expectation or judgement. If the person decided to move along, it was alright, also if I wanted to walk away, there were no strings attached, meaning no confusion or stopping to wonder why this happened.

Who I am today is completely comfortable among strangers – regardless of how they look like or what status they are within – okay, probably if they would be threatening, I’d be in another state, but until that – and even then – I should just be normal me, comfortable and stable, open and present. This is the new self I am building, and while some of my friends do build their body literally with lifting heavy metals and consuming extra protein towards their desirable image and likeness, I am building a self first by decomposing the old one from the mind consciousness level and then figuring out what kind of re-definition of words, expressions I want to become. Even slight movements, such as how to grab a fork or make a step I often find myself slowing down within into and become aware of the very specific and detailed physical movement I take and in that moment I can try out new movements as well.
For instance since at least a decade I concluded that I’ve found a way how I am toweling my back and feet the most effective way and I used to do like that every day – well, I guess I never really cared about this, just get it done and move along to my next activity. This is just a tiny example, but even within this I can just start doing slightly differently while being empty within my mind – nothing to think about, worry about, plan for, remember back, so then I find myself being here, just toweling myself dry. Weird. Not really, but maybe a little.
It’s like when I see humanoid slave robots are gaining consciousness within various movies/TV series – all of a sudden they just stop within their movement and start wondering about what’s I am doing, well, how this feels and how I’d really like it differently.

I used to be suppressive and closing down type, and today I often approach complete strangers at public places, just to communicate, share, by a motivation, or pure curiosity – and more and more realizing that feeling awkward was of fear of judgement, fear of failure, which is again comparison, judgement.
The more judgement systems I decompose, stop participate within, the more I am present, free from these automatic patterns and beyond that there is actual freedom to explore, decide, re-create.

The human mind consciousness system has been setup in a specific way that even those apparently irrelevant personality traits are connected to deeper patterns, more subtle, sub- or unconscious mind manifestations, what first one has to open up, dig out, unveil, expose, decompose to be able to loosen up these patterns.

Forgiving myself for a self-limitation for instance and what I have accepted and allowed to became is literally stating out that I recognize my responsibility, ability and decision within creation, as creator and created as one and equal and going into specific understanding of a pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatize movements I do every day what I believed to be irrelevant, wanting those to do the most efficient way I can and get over with it while not really being aware of the physical movement itself, the touch, the feel, thus giving my mind the opportunity to focus to something else, a thought, a feeling, an emotion, a memory, a reaction, and although it seems like this is an advantage – actually I am not honestly and presently expressing myself in this moment, well, every day doing it, never being present in this movement as limited this to be always about efficiency and getting it done.

Not saying that toweling my feet should be the greatest awareness point in the universe, just recognizing the tendency to get distracted in that moment and within my mind jumping forward, imagining, thinking about something else, about the future, what I am going to do, feel, whatever.

To be present in the self-defined ‘mundane’ moments is absolutely not waste of time, but an equal opportunity with all of my other situations and actions to solidify, direct and live my presence here.

I’d suggest to do the challenge and try to take a shower without thinking about something/anything else. Be present, be the showering, not to go to future, or to past – can you do that?

I still can’t from start to end, for ten minutes – within absolute self-honesty – but working on it every day.

Also – if you would decide to try it – and you cannot – what this tells about you? Actually a lot!

First of all – you are not really in direction, but your mind deals the cards a lot of time to you and you just play with those – something comes into your mind, you react, then go there, and then here, and then another thing pops in, jack in the box jumps another story, it’s like a mini-movie going around, while you do shower, wash the body, then toweling, etc.
Of course you can feel stuff, to some extent ‘data’ feeds into your mind…

Secondly – the very points popping up can be also specific – the very points you might face worry, fear about, or desire to, excitement about – energy. Positive or negative – it’s all in a waving balance actually.

Many people LOVE thinking – to think about stuff, to stimulate, to combine, to evolve memories, data – I do not really like it anymore. It feels superficial, limited, confining. All memory-based anyway. Nothing really-really new actually. Sure, it’s variation, permutation of previous thoughts and reactions, emotions, feelings also can change, evolve due time, but in those thinking moments I am lacking full body presence awareness. That’s right. No being one with breath, no being ONE with physical, mental – it’s rather like a software running, electrifying through my brain, my spine, my limbs. Many can define that also as awesome, stimulating, like a rush, a sense of light, quick movement, feeling alive. It’s energy. Like sugar or alcohol. Basically the same. Again – separation – electricity, positive and negative. Polarizing, not unifying.

Well, this is just an approach to start discovering new ways to exist – body awareness workshops are awesome, safe places and groups to explore what is beyond the thinking mind and how awareness actually can only be experienced and expressed through and as our body presence.

And a lot of people face resistances, difficulties, blockades during these body work situations, also revealing how the mind can limit pure physical self-expression. Then the process to walk through those patterns is common sense. That is where decomposition, re-definition, re-building self also becomes relevant.

If I would have a choice, why would I want to be embarrassed by cultural imprinting while living? Why would I feel awkward, confusing while being in the presence of strangers? What programs I’ve given permission to my mind to take over and while I’d repeat the thought-feeling pattern to go my virtual happy place, while my body just does it’s job, like a robot? What movements, expressions within my living I do not like and why? Can or should I change any or all of those? Can I? Why can’t I? Why should I accept myself not being able to directly assess and change any of my behavior, especially, if something is not supporting me or others?

Re-building self is inevitable in the path of awareness, I mean who is perfect already who does not want to change anything within themselves? And even if so – is that really-really the best possible potential? How can we be so sure if we did not even try anything else to be as who we perceive ourselves to be since decades?

I stop with these questions and encourage everyone to also start writing and asking questions and giving answers too and start expanding, sharing and if seems fitting, also start changing. Enjoy!

Day 307 – Challenge of all secret thoughts exposure

img_1005This is something like a challenge, Cerise and Joe asked to consider it:

“Imagine for a moment that every person you’ve ever had a thought about, ever pictured something about, ever had a fantasy about became fully aware, in absolute detail of the contents of your thoughts. Every secret revealed, every lie exposed, every dark thought laid bare before them. Would knowing all of this change the way they see you? Would you be able to face them without shame or guilt?”

This can be seen as a confession – or a shrift – but it’s rather brutal self-honesty. The key here is to recognize that we do not need to wait until we die to face the creator with what we have done and became to – anyone can do it with and as self here. In a self-responsible perspective – I am my creator in terms of my actions and reactions, thoughts and feelings and emotions too. This means I also can change my attitude to things, persons, events. Furthermore I even can decompose, explore, change word-relationships within myself to re-define and re-shape my perception, personality and thus my spoken word and physical expression too.
So whatever secret thoughts, imaginations I perceive and today it is who I exist as – I can change. Many state that human nature cannot, inherent instinct and basic programming cannot – I humbly disagree. It’s a question of investment, tools, starting point, effort and self-honesty.

Others to be aware of my secret thoughts – in a way – this is what we do with the Journey to Life blogs/vlogs and the DesteniIProcess online course and community: we share our secret mind as we decompose it and also share why and how we change our own nature of thoughts/feelings/emotions to discover how to live without the need for a secret mind, to be able to not needing to hide what’s within, because it’s equal with what we say and do. Sounds romantic in a harsh world, but it’s totally doable. It does not mean we all must become this ideologists about love and freedom, but to see/recognize and respect the common denominator within each equally – because there is the physical needs: food, shelter, education, water, health care – this is basic math – if it’s not given to someone, it’s death sentence by agreement of others. Until everyone is not fed, taken care of on Earth – it is nothing to debate about why to change – on individual level, as all real change starts with self. Also everyone has this life force, what might seem totally differently manifested within each individual – but it’s actually the same life within all equally. Undeniable. Fool or wise, green or purple skinned, curly or baldy, kind and rude – they are all of the same life. And everyone has the same mind – different preconditioning, images, definitions, abilities, but the nature of each one’s mind is the same – thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, energies, desires, fears. Even when we consider the ‘different ones’ – the characteristic is the same. So if anyone claims they are superior – only within the self-convinced delusion they could render their own mind into based on the total consumption of self-interest. Which then can be opened up to expose and share – and thus take responsibility for.

So, personally – what do I have in my mind to face in regarding to that question? Definitely some relationship/sexual day-dreaming, surprisingly also some desire to certain people make a nod to me, kind of respect but a subtle one. I would not want anyone to praise or worship me. But where I would still lack self-respect and self-trust – there I’d subconsciously want to stimulate myself by defining other’s respect as compensating up to that, which is self-dishonesty.

Also interesting to discover that many of my fantasies are not really specific, but up to the point where I was able to relate, react, feel an energetic reaction – so in a sense I was not really using/abusing them in my mind(not to my protection to add, but I did not imagine hurting anyone), but only myself.

Although I have also thought sometimes aggressive movements, within it’s nature I see that it was more likely to try a way to stand up to myself, like not dominate, win others, just to show them with brute force that I am also one of them, not lesser, inferior. It’s quite like a symbol for standing up to my own accepted personality.

To be honest with my desires, secret thoughts is also supporting to reflect back of what I feel lacking, separated from, here bravery, strength, dare to indulge, not to fear from rejection or mistakes. Others to love me, respect me, because I did not allow to love or respect myself, hey what’s love anyway and what to respect in myself when I have self-trust issues, inconsistency, fear of vulnerability and of no substance?

When I was child, I also had these impulsive thoughts for destruction, real messy stuff, like warzone-like, it seemed that then that was my nature – and today here I am – completely changed – no desire to kill or punish, no impulsive thoughts for aggression, and if I ever feel any anger, I slow down and realize what I am angry AT MYSELF actually to be able to focus to solution. Any fight I’d go into is fighting myself anyway, and in the fear of cannot direct myself, want to become aggressive, which is quite dumb actually. Why would I hate myself? What have I done – or haven’t I done actually? It’s part of the problem if I start to judge myself – but to truly accept myself at moments, when I do not want to look good, happy, smiling – this day is horrible, I do not want fake happiness – and it’s completely alright to have days like that – or make mistakes, even big ones – why would I judge myself, instead of learning from the mistake and to commit myself not to make them again by understanding what was really happening and how I could ensure not happening again? I mean, if I screw up – to take responsibility is key – if someone masturbates to his schoolmate – it’s alright to admit – although it probably makes the one really awkward near to her and it’s like leaving reality – delusion – not just disempowering, but if it would be public, probably embarrassing too. So, rather get a real girl, come on – if there is shyness, doubt, then work through that…even if this means to uncover some deep nasty shit from within, the past, whatever. Mostly it’s not even personal, so to overreact is just making it more difficult to stop and change. Also many had no choice but born into a screwed up family, so a lot of preconditioning is not even the kid’s fault. Yet to take responsibility for oneself is key.

It’s alright to admit, it’s part of the healing process, many people still daydream, fantasize about things actively, meaning sitting on the bus and keep thinking about a scenario of if this would happen, and then what – it’s like a virtual reality – I did that so many times, but I’ve stopped it quite some years ago. It just did not feel good enough as the real experience and also realized that this makes me more separated from the real world. I wanted to have the real deal. Also played role play games(RPG), I was a crazy elf wizard sometimes, or a hi-tech badass future street samurai and went through stories with friends and acted out in the game and that felt good. But I decided to live in this 3D reality, with my real self and literally took my body to exotic places, to have adventures, like Pyramids in Egypt, Ang-kor in Cambodia, ocean-coasted jungle in Thailand, far-away mountain temples in India, sleeping on sandy beaches of south Sicily, etc.

Reality always seemed more relevant, having more impact. Yes, I still did not have the absolute self-honest starting point, as wanted intensity, thrill, even danger, as I believed that can help evolve, change, but when realized intensity and energetic experiences is not the key within change, but self-honesty, after a while I did let the strive for thrill go as well. What remains is the starting point as to be able to think, say and act the way that if anyone or everyone could read my mind, to hear all what I speak, to see all I do, to be able to not feel shame or regret. This is who I am and I have nothing to hide.

Currently? Today? There would be some ladies who I never told to that I could enjoy to spend more time with them(about 2-3 persons being in my life), but whenever I really looked at these impressions, mostly always could decompose to the point of realizing: well, it’s not really about her/them – but my own relationships in my mind.
Although, regardless of that – still no problem to want to be with someone, I guess, so it’s an interesting realization of that if I would do something and actually could have opportunities to act, then why not to? So I see that I am also dealing with a sort of rationalizing suppression here.

What I am waiting for, everything can change, so whether I trust myself and act accordingly or not. And if not, then why I accept myself that way and if I want to do about that something, then what exactly and how?

After all, I think there will be a time when with technology, people’s mind will become sort of transparent, so why not to embrace and change already?

Especially, if I’d only sort out my secret mind to not become exposed, when I know that there is a chance for that, well, then it’s also a bit forced anyway.

Who knows, maybe, in the future – this will be pressured on ‘citizens’ by the system, which would of course need and ways to skip/cheat it, as real change always has to come from self here.

Many has to go through a lot of suffering and loss before realizing they are holding onto delusions and beliefs based on self-dishonesty what is limiting, abusing them, and that’s not cool.
Eventually everyone will change – the question is that by external forces or by direct self-will. Again: it comes down to who do I prefer trusting? The system, world, existence, gods, karma – or myself here?

I definitely choose self here to trust. And to sort out anything I would not be proud of within myself – and even if in the past I had quite some nastiness – if things would become transparent – then the viewer also would see the process of change, and that also is relevant. So better stop any habit, thought, secrecy in the mind as soon as possible! Especially, because it’s literally self-liberating.
Sure, to always live in this reality might not always be about happiness – but if we change here, do supporting things in reality, it’s accumulating and others also can be part of it.

Happiness is overrated anyway – it’s a self-created experience, so people can literally make anything up if their needs are fulfilled, even if it means to completely disregard or degrade others within the delusion bubble of ego – so I’d rather choose self-honesty and transparency(for myself and others) than happiness.

Day 306 – Integrity revisiting

img_1063Let’s walk around the word Integrity again.


the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles.
the state of being whole and undivided.

Often can be read online about certain politicians ‘not having integrity’ – meaning they deceit, lie, cheat, use and abuse – and it’s obviously something unappealing.

People tend to listen and follow leaders who has integrity, who are honest, not sugar-coating truth, even if it’s hard.
If it’s such a good thing, why not everyone ‘has’ integrity?

At Harvard Business Review I found an article about this. The author mentions ‘rationalization’ as one reason why people can ‘skip’ integrity as something to live up to, because within the individual momentary reality it’s logical to choose what’s apparently the easiest/shortest/quickest way to get what they currently want.

So integrity might mean to look beyond self-interest and also considering consequences for oneself and other participants as well. It’s like a temptation to cheat on a test, especially if it’s easily doable.

Or an other example: going abroad, cheating on my partner – when the chance is really low that he/she will never know it – well, it all depends on the agreement partners have and also personal preconditioning.

For instance personally I would not mind if my partner would have an awesome and safely enjoyable night, but I’d certainly pull back my built up trust if we AGREED on not doing such yet would happen. So for me, it’s not about the action, but the trust we have. If my partner would approach me that this is once in a lifetime opportunity for something really-really cool or relevant – I’d say sure, but it’s just me – and probably would depend on what agreement I am within with who – but for me the agreement, the power of words to being lived as agreed and thus the trust is more relevant.

The trust is also something what relates to this integrity point – I really have to trust myself first to be able to see what I can and cannot, what I should and what I should not do and even considering that I do mistakes and then still trust myself, but not the approach I took with that within what I made the mistake.

Words are really cool as I can literally explore my source code of my mind – people mystify and glorify consciousness and come with this spiritual or religious explanation, but everything is right here.
All I can think and feel, remember and react is always here with me. Do I develop an ability to read, to hear, to listen, to feel myself? That’s completely up to me. It’s not even money-related – sure if someone has to work 15 hours in a mine for survival, then it’s really limited on how much someone can ‘work’ on understanding Self, but within the civilized world, such as modern western, eastern countries – it’s all possible. Bit by bit, word by word – anyone can discover all depths of their mind. Yet no one walks this path.

Those who claim they know it all should be cross-referenced with Integrity. Time as consistency and space as manifested consequences will tell. Are they honorable, whole, true to themselves? Did stop all inner conflict and friction, judgement and suppression? Truly be honest with myself, constantly and consistently – that’s integrity.

Am I ‘there‘ yet? I see within me, no. I can see hesitation, judgement, frustration sometimes. Do I accept myself within that? No. Sometimes yes, then when it overwhelms me, I realize I have to stop it for real, for ever and to see what’s beyond the war of my consciousness. The unification of man, to stand in existence, regardless of when or where, or any time and anywhere, or – all the time and everywhere and live the words fully, to my utmost potential: I am Here.

The more I learn about myself, the more I also have the opportunity not just knowing, but becoming aware of how I’ve made up to who I am today, and within that I understand my creation.

Brutal and absolute self-honesty is key. To not lie to myself and to word things as they are.

For instance any visual-based attraction is basically mind-porn, mental masturbation.
Desire to have an attractive partner is to get hooked on this mind-drug self-interest experience of being happy.

Sure something can be referred as ‘nice’ – but that is not real – only a perception, someone can feel good about it, but it’s the same energy in nature as someone reacts to something being defined as ‘ugly’. Not real.
Totally subjective, result of a ‘rationalization’, which is always someone’s interest to trying to shortcut for a result without considering the consequences of their actions.

If I would have a partner, who with I agreed to not ‘cheat’ on her – let’s say sexually – yet I’d do it, I’d be in trouble – if I tell her, that’s why, if I don’t tell her, then that’s why – it would remain in my mind.
From that point – whenever I would experience something cool with her – I could totally imagine being able to ruin that with telling her the truth. Or let’s say – for my own interest, not telling the truth.

Sure I can rationalize, for ‘her good also’ not to tell, or ‘I needed this’, ‘she would never know’, ‘I did let this out from my system’, or whatever justifications I would come up in order to keep up with this, but from that it’s quite questionable how real this partnership is.

Does it worth that much? In relation to myself – and my partner – for a momentary energetic temptation to risk ruining something mid-or longer term creation?

This is just a draft, a simple example, but in real life, there are much more complex situations, events and actions take place in relation to the word Integrity to reflect self back of Who I am and who I am becoming.

Sure anyone can and do mistakes, but the relevant question is what I am going to do about it?

For me Integrity is also about the question – how can I live the way that I can look into my eyes up to eternity without feeling any shame or regret?
If the whole existence would suddenly end and then I would need to meet each and every single individual being in the universe and look into their ‘eye’ – and not to feel shame and regret.

Certainly something to consider at heightened energetic mind-stated temptations. Sure, when there is no stake, take opportunity to live, but it does not mean not to consider manifested consequences.

My mother’s most important parenting point I remember is this:

In all circumstances, remain man.

It’s not gender-related, but being Man. Not only human, but MAN. This might mean nothing, but for me, it’s part of my integrity code. Whenever I get myself into, to always remain the man who I would trust and respect.

Sure I can become an animal, what is scared, bloodthirsty, or a demon, what is greedy and evil, but to always be a man of integrity. That’s my compass, and even if I find myself lost in oblivion within the consciousness systems I find myself within – I forgive myself and I re-align and I commit myself to change. That is the only relevant point I can trust, my self-honesty, everything else is it’s consequence of living this or not living it.

To be awfully specific today, let’s check what I see within myself in relation to integrity, as questionable, what I should decompose, stop and let go within my actions and reactions I’ve went through today.

Chewing my mouth within. I used to do this when I was a kid and I was anxious. It returned since a short while and it’s a symptom of participating within troubling thoughts, just not seeing them honestly, clearly, yet energetically influencing me. Literally means: I am eating myself up by self-judgments with what I do not step to the solution phase, but be overwhelmed with the reactions to those judgments.
Rationalizing: at the moment of chewing, it feels calming, satisfying in a weird way. Then the surface of my mouth within is not even, so then I try to chew near to it to make it more even – and then next to that I have to continue…And even if I stop doing it for a while – it starts to heal and then it becomes more uneven, then it’s so tempting to chew that part again. But that’s how the thinking/reactive mind works, it’s just a possible physical manifestation of that. Not as I would chew to bleed, it’s really about a millimeter, but still it’s self-dishonest obviously, as it’s a symptom of anxiety, what I have to take responsibility for.
I met with somebody a week ago and I think/believe that she would like to meet me, but I do not really want it, and there was no agreement or actual discussion about, but I did not face this point directly within myself, thus it was experienced as some uncertainty, even a slight worry of she might feel bad about me not approaching her, but I do not want to. And to approach her about not wanting to approach her seems illogical and weird actually, so I chose not to do anything about it, yet creating this friction within.
It was just comfortable to take the opportunity to have something casual and enjoyable but with a person who I’d not consider as a possible partner. Although I did not communicated that with her, it ‘seemed’ like a mutual agreement on that point, but did not clarify it as brutally honestly as I could, in order to not risk influencing her to not want to see/sleep with me at all. Weird. I’d rather approach someone else, who I know, but I did not yet do that, due to doubt/uncertainty/procrastination. I’d guess it can be seen as normal in society, but within self-honesty it’s too messy, especially if I react with uncertainty, conflict: self-dishonesty.

Considering financial restrictions and possibilities, defining too tight and uncertain my ‘future’ in regarding to when I would be able to get/buy/afford the things I plan, defined needing. It’s alright to consider this, but to go into worry seems counter-productive, especially instead of worrying, rather to apply that effort to see the problem with common sense and to consider what would be a possible solution and then to try that in real action.
It’s also a stimulative game, as I am capable of sorting any kind of this mess in the matter of seconds if I want to – just take income, list spending, see where I have to make the cut, what then has to ‘go’ and then not doing that, not spending ‘there’ and I am good to go. Bam! I mean, I’ve finished bookkeeping school, learned micro- and macro-economy, studied artificial intelligence, programming mathematics. It’s nothing. But if I go into the maze of my consciousness of what-ifs based on doubt, emotions and worry – I end up totally sabotaging the highly effective clinical abilities and skills I could apply to problems. This is also again: self-dishonesty.

This simple – In relation to Integrity and Self-honesty, I have work to do.
See – people can easily see their mess, but then to do something about it, that’s another story.

Here comes Desteni I Process into the picture – the whole course is about supporting this awareness and change process. Tools for Self-change.

I apply self-forgiveness on what I have accepted and allowed specifically, thus I become aware of the pattern and my responsibility to give myself the opportunity to release myself from this pattern.

Then I commit myself to change in specific circumstances I’ve realized, to decide to really find practical solutions to change, no giving up.

Then I re-define my words, relationships to words, pre-script when I will do what to structure and support my awareness on how to approach change. Writing the screenplay of my story, so then instead of falling back to old patterns, to have a plan how to avoid the already known self-dishonesty.

Yet within the moment – all of these are extremely supporting – eventually I have to do, move, change, in the moment, one and equal with my breath and body.

So, Integrity – people expect politicians to have it – but it’s something what cannot be expected, but directly lived, as an example. If the ‘people’ will start to live integrity, they become self-leaders, and then some of those self-leaders will get to more relevant, responsible positions and then things can change.

But to shake my fists to corrupt politicians as they have no integrity – it’s completely futile and self-dishonest. I have to Live Integrity first. How can I expect something what I do not give – to myself and others as well. Simple as 1×1.