Day 341 – A moment of doubt vs Facts

IMG_9494Stabilizing within Self-forgiveness.

Continuing from yesterday’s blog.

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have allowed myself to fall into fear of loss and doubt experience and started to judge myself as ‘I did not do all what I could for what I committed myself to accumulate’ and within that believing that if I doubt, fear – that obviously means that I did not do everything I could, all I did was not good enough and not real, thus it’s no question that my experience of ‘fear and doubt’ is right and true, thus my judgement of myself is righteous, the justification for my fear, doubt and worry to accept is righteous, thus I give into the instability and fear.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if there is someone who I value very much, I perceive that judges, doubts or misunderstands me, that must be automatically true, thus start fearing and worrying, assuming and doubting myself without cross-referencing, looking, seeing and understanding facts.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to value and trust my action, self-honesty, consistency and commitment, direction and movement but actually trust my doubt, fear more than facts, reality and practical common sense.

Writing this very sentence down right now to see this pattern in front of me for the first time in my life – is invaluable. (The first Self-forgiveness statement)

I am grateful to be able to see this point. Never this clearly before. This is why I not just write my blog at home under the bed, but SHARING it, as this process is effective.

Facing self, points, reactions, fears, understanding the patterns I and my mind and body constitute as one and equal to be able to stop participating within self-dishonesty is the very essence of the Process of Self-honesty, referred as Journey to Life. From Consciousness system to Living Awareness.

Continuing with the actual pattern: It’s like how polarity works – specifically positive thinking. It’s just one tiny, singular miss-step, one moment of a thought self-defined as negative is enough to infest my whole positivity and fall into it – thus proving the whole thing to be just a façade, a mirage. My relationship with the point yes, but in terms of accumulated consequences? Not necessarily!

It’s like the whole Process of finding out and start living as Self-honest, first at moments, then more moments, and then to be able to move and interact like that, to correct in real time, and then if I make mistake, or even I feel I have failed, fallen, I go back to the basics and write more, apply more self-forgiveness, understand further and specify, not only with writing, but sounding, to resonate the voice, to hear if there is any doubt, reaction, association, to look there too, to clarify, further specify and cross-reference until to the utmost specificity and see all clearly.

And even if one walks this process since years, can be ‘fucked up’ for a moment, or even for an hour – but then – the whole process already walked is not disappearing, oh no!

I re-align, I ground myself back here and I continue walking, no matter what, who I am is not a choice, or if it is, I am still figuring out what it means, what are the potentials, of who I can be, thus it’s actually never done, but expanding day by day, moment by moment. Thus never allow a fear or doubt to make you believe that can invalidate true commitment, real dedication to become principled with all life!

In relation to my doubt and fear – I know that I have been pushing a point since months consistently, every single day, not literally sure that I did ALL I could do as there could not have been done BETTER – but who I was every day, according to that, I pushed myself to the limits.
Thus, to doubt myself, or to anyone doubt me within the actual application is actually irrelevant – yet if I can be fallen into worry, fear based on anyone’s opinion – then it’s my doubt within myself and nothing to do with anyone else but self here.

‘Irrelevant’ maybe not in totality if the person is relevant in my life, but in terms of giving into doubt and fear – completely.

It still can be that my actual communication, interaction, sharing can be adjusted, aligned, improved – yet I have to be able to see what is good, what is not, and there is no such thing that ‘all of myself, altogether is full of shit’ – specify, document, cross-reference everything and practical understanding prevails.

If I look into myself, I directly see, understand and realize that I had no singular doubt, except that day I have explained in my previous blog, and within that point and emotional reaction’s nature, I also revealed that it was not really a single doubt, but a consequence of energetic reactions, somewhat related to my actions, yet it’s not related to my commitment, action and direction.

The doubt was also partly of the extent of ‘leap of faith’ – ‘vulnerability’ and facing Unknown – and how else could I fear the Unknown, as I have already some idea and imagination about it? Thus it’s not real, the doubt is not valid. Thus I saw that point, I re-align and I move forward. I should not judge myself, a child when learns walking or talking, also does not give up, does and does and does until it’s done, fact, here.

Thus I recognize that I should trust action and facts, movement and direction, and even if for a moment I allow myself to be mesmerized by ANY fear – I shall look facts, action and direction, focus to movement and realize that if I invalidate all I have already done by any kind of fear, then I should not judge the whole being of myself and all what I have done, as if I follow the spiral of emotion, the energy, the storm, the instability, uncertainty, sadness and doubt – but to immediately ANCHOR myself back to the physical and be the EYE of the storm and to see what directly feeds this fear point, and my relationship with it.

Instead of looking of the effects, the storm, the energy, the e-motion – to look the trigger point, the judgement, the mental relationship I feed with thoughts, feelings and emotions and to see how it’s been created – how I am creating and how to STOP it; to see what to do to prevent it, so that next time it would arise – I don’t participate, thus the storm does not inflate as I let it go, I forgive, I change, I re-align and focus to practical common sense and action.

I have the tendency to connect, to share, the need for living response-ability – but first and foremost it’s within and in relation to self here.

As to create Heaven on Earth starts with self here – Everyone is so confused and doubtful about how to make Earth a better place – it’s so damn simple but no one is looking, walking, living it, because the actual Hell we can clean up is within and as SELF, which is at the limit or even beyond of our ability to direct, because of how we give this permission to the mind every single day.

Any thought of doubt, fear, worry, judgement, anger or hate, desire or disgust – hope or despair – if it’s in the mind, if it makes me feel moods and ups and downs – it’s EGO – the MIND, and there are techniques to understand and be able to deal with it. Anyone can do it, even a child or a very-very old person as well. It’s not technological, not spiritual, not religious, it’s common sense – and based on the most powerful mathematical equation – 1+1 = 2.

Accumulation – that’s Give as you would like to receive – consistent application is the key, with self-change as well.

And be aware that even for a moment you start to question and doubt yourself, as it’s the EGO’s nature to trick and con – look at the facts, the action you have done, the accumulation, the structure, the plan, the reality-awareness, thus can’t get caught with the temptation of energetic storms to blow you around, like a kite in the wind.

Anyone can judge you, usually it’s yourself who judges self the most, but when someone else does – still should not fall into the doubt, unless the accusation is valid.

I used to think – if anyone doubts me or says something about me, it must be true, thus I just went into self-introspection, self-worry, self-doubt mode – and it’s better indeed to check what the other person refers as might be true. But until I do not actually see with practical common sense, there is no place for doubt.

And if there is ‘room for improvement’, as the other indicated – it’s awesome, gratefulness, as now I am more aware than I was, thus it’s supportive.

Just I have to be really-really self-honest in this – to not just say to myself ‘ah, what the other said to me/about me is just bullshit, I am so cool, no way’ – and then usually there is justification: ‘because blah blah’ – so then I use that justification to seal my denial of the information I got – AFTER I rejected it, AFTER I reacted to it. Not self-honest!

Thus – I stand here, no doubt, no fear – still aligned, still in direction – and anyone judges me or doubts me – that can be about the person as well actually, but better to be aware of what’s going on within myself all the time. And the more I am aware of what I participate within, how I do, what I do – the less ‘time’ I need to ‘check’ if what the other says is true or not – yet never get to the point of automatically reject anything or get overconfident, but to stay humble and grateful.

For instance at university somehow it was a habit among my friends to say ‘you son of a bitch’ – just in my native language its more insulting, as the literal translation is ‘your mother is a whore’ – yet when I was told to – I felt really insulted and got really angry, and then I realized – My mother is not a whore, and even if she would be, which is not the case, why would I be automatically triggered to lose my temper and head? Does not make sense. Still obviously mirrors the other’s lack of respect and ability for compassion and decency, that’s al-right. Yet it’s not if I lose myself into an emotional storm, whenever anyone says such.

Another example: I have been participating within some job interviews – and there was rejection, not one, not two – and I also had the ‘choice’ to decide – if I feel bad or not – and if I look back – I see what I have already walked in terms of my profession – thus did not ‘break me down’ – yet, also realized that there is place for improvement, thus I should focus to that and move forward. Naturally. So that’s more practical, instead of fall into the despair and doubt, to focus to reality – where I came from, what I have done, how I have done it, and what I am going to do next and how. Simple. Always. If not, then that’s the ego, the mind, the manifested systematic reflection of accumulated self-dishonesty of mine just mirroring me who I accept myself to be. Until I stand up and stop and actually change.

So, sharing this process, this blog, is also not just statements to the world, anyone and everyone is welcome to give feedback, even telling me I am just wrong, and thus I can also check and learn!
Anyone can conclude based on misunderstanding, even myself – and if I realize it, I correct my statement, myself and live according to that realization.

In a way, that is why difficult to change for many people who are so infused into some belief-systems, religion, spirituality, or any kind of conviction – especially if there are human relationships, or even money involved – to admit that I have been wrong for two – three – six decades might not be easy – as I have had with my spiritual beliefs, buddhism and many more convictions already. I do not need anything but to become honest with myself in each moment equally – and for that to decompose the patterns my mind constitutes – words – energetic experiences, relationships – this process works.

Anyone states ‘It’s not my type of thing, or style – fine – I never even considered if this is my style ever – I just do as it works’. Just be sure not to listen to excuse and justification.

If anyone could show me that there is a better way than writing and applying self-forgiveness in written, said aloud and lived in action to become more aware and to support actual change – I am open – but I am aware of that this works, this blog is my movement, since 2008 – all I shared stands here as proof of what I have walked and the direction I am keep walking.

So that’s about it for today and thank you very much for being here today!

Links to understand more and support to grow:

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Day 340 – Emotions and Self-honesty

IMG_0898After yesterdays blog, I might have opened up Pandora’s box within myself as today I was quite emotional. (Well, before yesterday)

It’s rare thing for me, most of my life I’ve lived with perfecting suppressing emotions, but I am actually stopping as proven to be not the best approach(obviously), which might mean I do find myself within reactions.

I start with clarifying – within DIP online courses emotions are the negative-related energetic experiences, such as fear, worry, jealousy, hate, sadness, etc, while feelings are the positive ones, such as happy, excitement, etc.

Neither of them is bad or good, they are simply put: tools for expression. The self-dishonesty about these is that when they come and go ‘automatically’ and I am the puppet, when I am actually giving permission to get emotional, angry, sad, ‘fall into love’ or become obsessed with happy feelings, etc.

The practical approach within learning on how to LIVE words directly(instead of being influenced, stimulated by) is to redefine my relationship and meanings in relation to self-honesty and considerations of all participants of my reality here. Example: Instead of wanting to experience joy, I answer the question of ‘How can I Live Enjoyment?’.

Thus, it is Self-movement I live, not going through experiences and reacting, bouncing, conflicting through.

So, my commitment to stop suppressing emotions is about to break the following habit:

  • I experience/see/think of something what I have judgement about, somewhat memory, association, personal involvement.
  • I react with the judgement, I feel a certain energetic experience
  • I recognize that I am moving away from ‘center’ as this emotion would start to overwhelm me
  • I suppress the emotion, just ‘swallow it’, ‘push it down’ with a single inner movement, saying ‘go away’
  • I am here, clear, kind of logical, focused, stable again

This can happen quite automatically, part of my personality, in fact pretty fast, if I am not present and aware, I do not even notice that I am doing it.

There are various layers of why this became ‘normal’ for me – but mostly because I recognized that I am quite impaired and limited, less effective and compromised to apply logic and common sense when I am overwhelmed with emotions related to fear.
Kind of a weakness as I have defined it, thus better to spend time within this kind of states the least possible.

So instead of facing the fear, understanding it’s reality-related connection, I just want it to go away, instead of solving it’s origin.

Within my ‘culture’ – also to be a ‘man’ – means not to get ‘soft’ but strong, rigid and solid all the time, and with emotions I felt more vulnerable, unpredictable and unstable, so pretty early I decided not to spend too much time within emotional states, thus suppression, as ‘swallowing’ the reaction, suffering, doubt and fear became my second nature.

What I have not realized, seen and understood before, is that each and every emotion suppressed is not going anywhere, but stays with me, accumulates and creates layers, blocks and another level of automatic personality behaviour within me, and the top of that, once reached some kind of limit, I just can’t hold it anymore, kind of exerting it out, without any direction, control or power over it, regardless of situation, company or consideration. And that is quite a problem.

So, that’s why I am walking DIP PRO course, writing this blog, applying self-forgiveness, to understand myself more and prevent suppressing, but solving problems, so no need to judge, react, go into inner thinking mode – as whenever I do so – I am not acting, because of doubt, fear, confusion, resistance, and when I do not act and move in reality, I internalize, I suppress, and that is a sign of facing a point and remaining within self-dishonesty.

Thus the responsibility point presents itself what I take and work with. The DIP course is invaluable within supporting and I have changed so much in the last couple of years and this blog and overall expansion and stability of mine is in a way already a living proof, yet it’s still a process, thus I keep walking the course and this blog as well.

Within the last years, especially since ended my last, quite hectic and conflicting partnership some years ago, these emotional states became less intense, I must say I was and am much-much more stable and present.

Within the current partnership I am, since quite some months, I am having experiences I never had before, more direct enjoyment, trust, sharing and opening up with myself and ‘my’ lady, and more and more I push myself to become vulnerable, feel more, let go of fear and distrust and be completely open. It is great and eternally grateful I am as step by step learning to live without doubt and fear, sometimes still stumbling but in overall this process is good.

So, in a nutshell, this is in relation to suppressing my emotions and years of walking this process allows me to trust, even when something not so comfortable or nice experience comes, as more and more I have a direct reference of how it is when I am physically here, and that becomes my foundation, where to I return from the storms my self-conditioned mind still sometimes creates.

Today was another of these storms I see now, and in a way I created it, but also it was flooding me at the same time.

The recent experiences I am going through also added to it and accumulated me to intensify certain emotions, which are uncertainty and sadness, loneliness and sorrow.

The main triggering point was that I have finished watching – well, through the last days, today ‘The Leftovers’ TV series. Without spoiling, it is a great show, if someone is interested in the deeper psychology of people, who had great traumas and those still influencing their lives to the point of very sad and insane moments from time to time.
The initial interest in it was not this topic for me, but ‘writer of Lost’ and ‘mystery’ and quality in overall, but through the seasons I found this profound value of the characters change and interaction.

The rhythm, the balance; the artistic expression combined with the great actors performance, the exceptional music – it was very emotional, – within each episode, well composed to have these peak moments, when I just had these tearful moments until the end of the whole season and closure, when I reached this total emptiness and sadness, sorrow and what I associated with it is the reality of each human individual’s constant and consistent exposure to traumatic experiences throughout our entire lives and how much that influences, compromises us, humans to do what could be best for all.

I had very busy months behind, each day, committed to do specific things and that gave me purpose, and looks like my commitment and consistent application soon fruits it’s result in the planned way, however today I was at the point of nothing more to do, yet the outcome is not yet fully manifested, and thus all of a sudden I feel empty, nothing moves me, but I also do not move either.

I know I should, also that I will, but what came was that I want to be in this emptiness, to see what’s still within the depths of me to face who I was, to embrace, to let go and focus to move on.

What did not happen with me since maybe a decade, I skipped hydrating today, usually I am drinking liters of water, and I was not hungry. Thus, I recognized that I am not in sync with my physical, so I fried a pre-made pizza, I ate, still was not hungry, but once started eating, I started to ‘come down’ with this emotional state.

Also chatted with my lady, did not want to share how I feel but we have trust and care, so decided to just concisely express myself and within writing it was another step assisting and supporting to see and recognize what I am experiencing and then become aware of how I have moved today with this whole time line of becoming emotional and started to step out of it. After drinking almost a litre water and still feeling thirsty, I finally recognized that I was kind of ‘out’ for a while and actually supporting my body, then resting more brought back and I was/am able to continue with more present, self-directive and considerate daily living.

I even could relate to some lsd acid trips, it was in a way similar experience, but not in the sense of effects, but the inner storm, ‘death’ and silence and exponentially(first slowly, then more and more directly) awakening.

In overall, I would say this was a long time emotion suppressing reaching it’s threshold to be triggered to need to be discharged and kind of exerting.

What was actually cool about it that I had no doubt that I get to stabilize soon, was no fear or even shame this time, and within crying I felt relief. Well, it was not actual sobbing, like I had in 2014 when after all struggles my ex girlfriend told me she would leave, then I was really crying for about a minute and then I was clear again.

This time was just crying, kind of submitting into the watched drama’s roller coaster, yet it was supporting in a way.

What I see here in this all as I could have done ‘better’ and will do in any case of similar ‘next time’ to anchor myself more to presence, to apply forgiveness WITHIN the storm, to accelerate self-stabilization.

Also I was not entirely certain to share it with my partner, as did not want to seem unstable or sad, but we are both very busy nowadays thus did not communicate much, so I felt better to share than to just stay quiet.

Let’s walk self-forgiveness to open up additional points towards practical solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress emotional experiences with which I can’t deal, control or stop influencing me to become unstable, and never realizing that suppressing means accumulating.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that with what I don’t learn to deal with in self-honesty, will keep controlling me and my life until I stand up and take responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself of what were the actual points, judgements and reactions I kept suppressing recently and thus accumulating to the point of exerting in a way what manifested in being moody, sad and worried and thus not being able to see what I participate within, or even prevent stepping into.

I forgive myself that I have not assisted and supported myself in the exact moment of ANY judgement, reaction or emotion I would manifest within myself with slowing down, re-aligning with physical presence and to be able to look at the point I am about to react to and suppress by believing that I can’t or do not have to deal with this right now, but will do later, or even thinking ‘I hope this will be solved, or my observation and suspicion would turn out to be not true’.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to exactly see the points with what I started to ‘have a relationship with’ as assumption, observation, belief and worry and first of all not solve it within myself, or if it is about to communicate with the person I am experiencing it relation to and I am clear on that I should engage communication with, then to do it in a way what is clear, concise and supportive for finding solution and agreement.

I will continue walking these points…

Day 339 – Energy: Admitting facts for Self-Change

webContinuing with the energy craving mentality decomposition

Its a great opportunity as at the moment getting really tired and this is when usually can this mentality be noticed.
It’s when I want to experience intensity, sense of movement, energetic experiences, excitement, tension and in overall kind of a ‘high’. Well, it’s not self-expression, as it is to compensate, to distract and actually entertain and self-stimulate, in a way simulate living, which I do not do and accepting myself not living with the mesmerizing energetic experiences I keep re-creating. Thus let’s change it!

I directly apply Self-forgiveness on upcoming points. At times I still see that I have conflict within, thus need to continue with the understanding.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself in relation to the energy craving mentality within my mind, which is almost literally ‘can attack’ when I am in doubt that I did not do all I could for the day or when I feel that I am feeling tired, but I feel that I should do more today.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that it’s not about ‘today’ what I did – as obviously if I make ‘today’ longer, then ‘tomorrow’ must become shorter as I can’t cheat time, and meaning I try to use the unit of time to compensate with the already obvious, yet not self-admitted realization that I feel as I did not do all I could, but I want to, I should to and in a way I also would do, yet feeling tired, exhausted, thus I want to feel energetic, thus I should feel the need to stimulate myself to literally ‘generate’ energy within my mind by specific patterns to participate within just to feel the day longer and within that not realizing that the fear, as it’s source is actually in the center of it all, which actually sabotages direct and effective application for the things I fear not progressing with.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that there is a mind-trick I apply with myself all the time, which is that I slice up time and creating ‘progressing’ moments and ‘let go’ or ‘give in’ moments and within this system I am not in direction and it’s basically similar construct to the spiritual/divine moments which then prioritizes moments, and when participating within the ‘not focused, self-directive’ moments, at the same time accumulating frustration and inner conflict of ‘not doing enough’, which then wanting to compensate once it’s reached a threshold, or the end of the day is coming at night, when being tired and sleepy.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am not realizing the practical common sense and the direct solution to my re-creational self-sabotaging frustration and feeling of ‘not doing enough’ experiences, which is to not give in to the ‘give up’ moments to participate, and not create judgements, frustrations in the first place, yet to be honest with myself within self-direction to see what are my needs and wants within absolute, brutal self-honesty, and if I would see needing entertainment for example, just give it to myself within my own direction, not as ‘give into’ by suppression, desire and fear of missing out, then falling into it and then losing discipline and direction.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the simple solution for my energy addiction is to be honest with myself of what I want or need, desire or strive for and then to check each and every single one of these with common sense and to see which is supportive, which I can ‘afford’ in terms of prioritizing my time and resources, effort and participation and then if it’s applicable, to ‘give’ it to myself, or if its not supportive/doable at the moment, then to decide to postpone – or if it’s not supportive at all or doable, then to let it go, forgive and focus on directly working to really let it go actively until I am clear, here, present without temptation or desire, suppression or fear(of missing out).
  • Basically be practical and structured, organized and considerate.

There are not many ‘things’ what I can fall into with suppression but in overall the reason is a self-identification, self-perfection-related self-image superimposed to who I am currently – thus there is a ‘rift’ between actual and with what I deal through my mind of myself.

Sounds creepy, although it’s a typical human thing, to not clearly see who we exactly are, but with some pink or even grey glasses so to speak, so the first step is to see actual facts and thus becoming able to work with those to align and unify all of self here through decomposing and forgiving, re-defining and re-aligning the words with I perceive, experience, express and live in the physical.

For instance if I look at honestly – I can judge myself on ‘watching TV series‘ – it can take a lot of time, it’s just entertainment, while sometimes I can do other things, but if it’s interesting I just watch – and if not interesting, I do not watch actually, so it’s time consuming – if my priorities do not progress as should, I can feel ‘uncool’ about it.

Justifications and excuses also can and should be investigated and dealt with – such as ‘I had hard working day, let’s relax’, ‘I am too tired to do anything constructive’ or ‘It’s so interesting story, relates to my life’, ‘Just one episode, or while I eat, or do this or that’…etc – it’s OK to do do it, but if I feel not good about it – I create problem within about it. And if I just let it go and ‘give in’ – and just watch without worry of other things do not progress because of this – then I might feel bad about those anyway – so no escape from self actually, not for long anyway…thus better to get clear on this…

Well, its often so subtle – ‘uncool’ – see, not as ‘bad’ – just not so cool – as there is suppression – I have this judgement, negative emotion, instant suppression – all in a split second – and then I am ‘clear’ – but it happened, it accumulates somewhere and doing it enough times and it grows to the point of not so suppressed, but as an issue.
Then all of the tiny emotional suppression altogether stand up and say HELLO – and then I can’t ignore it, well, I can’t even do anything else as I just feel that I have this tidal wave awakening within me and I have to deal with it, and man, that’s tiresome and time consuming – and then I am exhausted, spent time with: not with priority, and then dealing with my inner waves, and the (to)day comes to it’s end and I am tired, yet did not progress with things as I wanted to, and that’s the point and inner conflict of what I write about to recognize, decompose, forgive and prevent.

I mean, when hearing stories about ‘extremely effective/successful men and their actions in the world’ – they might have had similar problems but could overcome and become one whole expression to do what they committed to do, thus become very effective with – it’s not impossible, just needs structure, self-honesty, motivation, direction and self-supporting tools and apply it, one step at a time to become unified within to be able to do what one really wants. Would I also want to become this ‘very effective/successful? I do not accept self-limitations and committed to find out my utmost potential, which means to keep exploring, understanding, growing!

Well, as I mentioned, the only way is to roll up my sleeves so to speak and get into the specific details to the utmost. Here meaning of what exact topics, points I judge myself as wanting to be different than I am actually – or within that want, actually seeing myself differently as I am – here the ‘fake it until make it’ does not work, thus better to change directly than to pretend, and it starts with admitting flaws, dishonesty, mistakes.

Just a short story – my father had drinking problems and later mental health issues too – but he kept avoiding to admit these, so he was ignoring facts until grew up on him to the extent of literally losing himself and his life with the overwhelming experiences of the accumulated things he never took responsibility for.

Thus, to admit problems – is although difficult, uncomfortable, can be even shameful for a moment, yes, but necessary to align with reality, and in fact can assist and support to realize the extent of self-dishonesty and self-compromise I allow myself to live within, and thus to really decide and stand up to change.

And ‘watching series‘ is just one example – although the things I experience are complex, as can relate to to my human interpersonal relationships, difficulties to be dealt with in family, at work, career, daily things, sexual desire or suppression, bully, any doubt, distrust, to see how the world is and face sadness, shame, or in overall questioning direction of my life, or financial, money points to face – each to deal with, while not get exhausted, overwhelmed, thus to balance it out with staying healthy, effective and growing, live with enjoyment, enthusiasm and innocent yet responsible and be open and able to share insights, support – it’s an art, but the key to it all is to learn and live being honest with myself, as if this one point I ever miss, then I actually can miss ‘myself’ within it all, which then start manifesting ‘glitches’, ‘reactions’, ‘frustrations’, ‘self-judgement’, ‘frustrations’, then manifesting worries, fears, then desires, etc…

One breath at a time to walk through points – and although there are many dimensions, take one thread, which bothers the most, and walk it through – and probably open another dimensions, insights, but I keep disciplined on walking this through – and if necessary, I hold this point – and clear out another what is necessary, and once that is clear, I understand myself on why and how I do what is not supportive, then I forgive, and move on with the initial point. Sounds simple. That’s why writing is key – not just thinking through, but to walk a point, word by word, the thread of Ariadne – of sanity, self-honesty and self-direction is writing here to see the patterns as I unfold with being honest with myself until all the maze of my consciousness is mapped and I see the pattern, the way in and out and I change the maze to be direct and simple, yet supporting and effective.

So, one step ‘closer’ to see directly the patterns with I create these energy craving spirals within what are getting more and more rare, less and less intense, but still way to understand, decompose, forgive and prevent myself participating, and it also entails on how to live what I not yet, but I could and actually wanting to.

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Day 338 – Energy craving – darkness within

IMG_3378While I am expanding, growing and exploring what it means to really live, I have some areas within I experience resistance from within.

What’s behind that is actual lack of skills and energetic resistances to do things to move forward, and for an aspect of me, who accepts, identifies self with safety, stability and predictability to be able to specifically distract, stimulate, ‘bridge’ through the perceived ‘difficulties’ with these feelings, energetic reactions – I must have to be aware of the triggering points for these energetic resistances – and the difficulty arises from not being honest about them(myself), thus accepting them as ‘with me, as me’, because not seeing the real self-sabotage manifesting here.

Thus to be brutally self-honest is supportive here. Brutality: meaning no mercy to sugar-coat of what I see I participate within, yet nothing judgmental or emotional charge is necessary – that I refer as radical – there is no middle ground on this: am I self-honest with myself, or I am not, in this moment, here.

That is all where I can apply unlimited, uninhibited, unrestricted responsibility, power and direction. Here, in relation to self, in this moment. Everything else is mind-construct in a way, when I move, direct and express.

And that movement – or lack of it – will manifest consequences accordingly.

Now I see that many of my mind/personality patterns are just like cute colorful tiny fishes swimming around but in the deep cold and dark – there are these total self-consuming energetic addictions, what are pulling the strings, to just cover away that I resist to face mistakes, or cause consequences, fear of not being a nice guy, good enough, liked, etc. – but once I’d name those – I can actually be able to deal with of them each – so in a way also an unconscious resistance to become able to change – not wanting to give up what I perceive currently as somewhat valuable/comfortable/predictable/stable.

Actually everything is very simple and if I get complicated, it’s a system, which I somewhat deliberately ‘summon’ to hide behind, use as excuse, so to break it down, decompose, debug and name the game is the common sense.

Darkness here I refer to as being consumed by self-interest. Let me clarify: worry and hypnotic petrification by fear of loss or fear of change: if I really look at it within myself – it’s also self-interest.

It’s also about practical common sense, for instance when I see a tiny child being afraid and crying and confused and obviously suffers – is that her/his responsibility – or the parent’s, others all around living in such a system what manifests lack of care, respect and compassion?

As the child grows ‘upwards’ – when is the ‘point’ from where the becomes responsible, thus parents/system/world/society/school/politics/religions/etc should not be the one to ‘blame’?

I had my own ‘shit gets real’ moment when I put my hand to my great-grandfather cold and dead body, laying on the table. Parents tried not to allow this to happen, but actually it was supportive – I have realized an important limit, thus I started to consider what to do with my life, well, before I end up dead as well.

For me that was the point when I realized I am really growing up, when I started to apply Self-forgiveness in 2008 and saw that until I do not take responsibility for EVERYTHING in my life and reality – I open gates for justification, blame and projection of responsibility, thus power. The art and challenge then is to balance it on daily living.

Nuclear reactor melts down 8000 miles away to the ocean – I am responsible, okay, I take it, I own it, how is it now then? One must be practical, direct with what’s here. Yet, constantly and consistently testing one’s limits within influence and expression to ensure that I am not stopping with any excuse to grow with responsibility. Maybe one day I will have influence on nuclear plants too, why should I exclude it automatically – yet why would I make myself worried to the point of becoming unbalanced and distracted from what is directly here, of what I can actually do in this moment today?

If I look at it – happiness I stopped seeking long time ago, I am happy, I am sad, what does it mean? I am being triggered by the pre-defined value system animating me automatically. Who created it, who can change it?

Just noticed that in many, kind of tricky ways I can have tendency to ‘work with energy’ in my mind.

Clarification: energy is not bad – but my relationship to it can influence, define, even control me, but in overall: it is all on me.

So what I realized in this morning, is the tendency to want to accumulate energy, then store it, keep it, keep circulating it, because that can stimulate me to certain reactions, what then stimulate me to feel, behave, ‘live’ in a certain way.

What I am making up with the energy is the lack of self-confidence, self-direction, self-responsibility actually, with a belief that with the indirect relationship, interaction with thoughts, feelings, emotions, energetic experiences are the way to make me interact with myself and the world.

But what I do not see, realize and understand in those moments that each and every single of those energetic movements, feels, reactions have it’s own self-dishonest point accepted and allowed within, and these accumulate, and I not just accept it as part of me, but also can become uncomfortable when doing things not the way that these reactions, feelings, thoughts and emotions are being triggered, experienced.
The uncomfortability comes from the unknown, the vulnerability of that I am exposed as a being, directly to reality, no sugar-coating, no past-defined excuses and justifications, no automatic positive stimulation.

Many can reach this kind of awareness – as my father I think also did, but he became bitter, sarcastic as he realized, we can’t do anything, can die on any day. But he saw the system outside and did not realize that he saw it with the filter of the system he created and accepted, participated within every day, what made him see reality as bad. It isnt bad – it is not just at the moment as the consequence, sins of fathers and the lack of real awareness of all equal as life force on physical level.

Many people just deny and laugh at ‘equality’ – as they think it means everything is the same and no individual expression. Equality can be a point to understand the common denominator among all, not for fake bubble of feeling blissful or loving, but as practical common sense.

First and foremost I am always equal with what I experience, what I feel, what I am situated within. If I would not be, how could I experience it? With sensors? Somewhere has to be a limit, a distinct separation, right, otherwise all the self-defined excuses of not seeing the world as SELF, MY-self here might be difficult to self-pursuade. Then it’s more difficult to see when I am not living to my utmost potentials.

That’s why pushing these points is relevant, every day. What other reason we exist? Feeling good, then die? To expand, grow, and support the children who come as innocence. As ourselves. Obviously. Not because of feeling of love, rather, because I can – if I could be any (kind of) god – who I would be? How can I live that in this live.

I know, it’s sensitive topic, religious people, god’s mysterious ways, god talks to people they feel, they feel they do things in the name of (their) god, or they are servant or directly hand of that god.

Ten years ago I committed myself to stop any separation within – thus if there is god, the only chance it gets is who I can live as godly as possible. That starts with responsibility, with what’s here and usually – well, all the time – for me, it is myself who is here – always. Thus that is my direct power – how can I take responsibility for myself here, to ensure that any thought, word and deed I accumulate is aligned with the best version of me could ever live.

Yesterday I was pondering about arrogance – how one can be more arrogant than identifying oneself with the quality of a god? Why not? Words are building blocks of reality, and thus I re-define what it means to live them to ensure not to compromise self-honesty.
I used to have a huge problem with words, found them to be ambiguous, uncertain and distracting – and it turned out to be that I was the one of ambiguity, uncertainty and distracted, words are just tools.

So I re-define all the words I experience and express – energy, conflict, struggle or even god – and starting with self-purification as removal of fear- and separation-based definitions, automatic reactions, etc and then I re-define with principle to support all life, including myself within self-honesty, without polarity, without energy.

It’s a good start, and then I see what’s stopping me to live directly like this – what are the upcoming resistances, fears, desires, e-n-e-r-g-y craving.

Energy – or the lack of it – it’s that I am tired, not charged enough to be able to function the way I like – so then I look at what aspects, inner movements, back chat, feelings and emotions I want, I miss, I like and need to experience in order to feel whole, ‘good’.

It’s something to investigate, for sure.

One more point before closing down this ‘opening up, preparation to self-forgive’ session:

Energized – automatically animated, as it feels like there is intensity, amount, velocity, movement, charge, tension, force – actually makes me feel more than I simply am in the flesh, and if I am not honouring, trusting myself responsibly, then this energy experience can seem appealing, not just entertaining, but completely obsessed I can become with as gives one thing: experiences.
What I do not see, realize and understand that experience will not last, and if it’s subjective, not shared with others, then it’s not really relevant, only for self-stimulation, self-entertainment, self-pre-occupation.

No matter how I try to justify to preoccupy myself to stimulate myself to feel a lot of energies what I define as great – if I do it hours a day, or even for a minute – it’s for me only. It is that I am using it to distract myself from another points, responsibilities.

One might ask, what’s the problem to give oneself time to feel good – sure, just is it really the best possible way to become proud of myself, meanwhile I already am aware of the fact that to experience joy is way less REAL than to initiate, move, share and live ENJOYMENT. Just the little difference within starting point can give a whole new perspective to begin to work with.

Let’s clarify – still not saying, pleasing myself(lol) is bad – but doing it basically virtually in my mind is not just self-dishonest, but it’s nothing compared to actually do, express and live something.

Just an example, I am sure many can relate with this: watching photos of posing ladies in bikini or without it – if I see one and I say – ok, cool, it’s alright, but if I direct myself to keep looking more and more of these images, what I am actually doing? I am judging pictures as ‘great, nice, sexy’, one after another – accumulating this energetic experience – the question is why?

What do I really want, desire here – to just watch pictures, is that what makes me feel good about this? Or there is something underlying here? Would I not want to do this in real life? Would that be self-honest? Not really, if just to please myself, with sex-objects in my mind – as in fact I am reacting to my own definition, norm, polarity of good and bad, the picture is just a trigger point I deliberately use to feel this reaction within me.

What actually I mean by looking at images of ladies? Maybe a partner, who I’d love to be with, who with we could respect and support each other with trust and care.

I am just playing this scenario – anyone can have different wishes, the ones one does not even dares to admit, because then would have to face the fact that have given up on that, and then what makes oneself of that? It’s difficult to be faced with my mistakes constantly, especially if I am re-creating them all the time! Thus distraction, blame, justification, manipulation are tools for hiding, procrastinating, postponing. We all know these mind-tricks, yet there is no public school where they talk, support about these. Deliberately.

I want to expose, uncover and become aware of all my mistakes, dishonesty – thus I can see in fact, in reality of who I am – that is the first step, which is not always direct and simple, then I investigate, apply tools, such as http://lite.desteniiprocess.com and I learn, to see what I consist of and why. And it might not be ‘blissful’ and ‘happy’ but certainly more real and once becoming able to move and express without dishonesty, it can be enjoyable as well, but not secluded, limited within one’s energetic mind. It’s something to worth learn and expand with.

Thus – one has to walk this through, even if already grew up in body, has to within self as well. Words are keys here and writing is the key to OWN words, not get owned by them.

We just had a very supportive group chat about this topic, it’s actually public, thus I’d encourage everyone to read through:

The Gravity of Consciousness vs the Anchor of Physicality – 30 August 2017

Sunette wrote:

The mind creates a gravity that of a Fibonacci spiral, that’s the pattern it uses to PULL you into itself or where you allow yourself to gravitate towards the Mind parts of you UP THERE instead of ANCHORING it DOWN HERE into you and your living

And this:

whenever you feel scattered – take a breath and remind yourself: I AM NEVER SCATTERED as the being that I am. I have somehow ALLOWED myself to scatter myself in my mind, so now I need to take a breath and look at what thought or reaction did I follow!

I shared in there this:

for me it’s a fake, virtual movement – as swirling the energy within mind and body as reaction highway superstrada hyperspace – it _feels like_ movement, but it’s just result of give up on actual movement, but still wanting to have experience, like a virtual reality, a self-creation bubble

(And others shared a lot more cool and supportive stuff, so better to check the link out).

So this is great to realize in any moment I am gravitated towards this energy crave in my mind – whatever it is, no need to sugarcoat, or be shy of, nothing rude either – as just direct – when someone have the feeling ‘I should just get drunk now’ – or ‘I want a joint to smoke now’ or – ‘I’d just fuck now with someone’ – it’s a mind-energy crave.

And there is a reason for that to appear, which I am not focused to anymore, but for the way to feed the energy in my mind – to drink alcohol or get drug or just be stimulated with sexual energy – to not need to face what was in my mind before this crave.

And when I realize that I have this crave and I feel almost automatically being pulled into – I realize – I have an aspect, a sense of self here who I remained here as – just not need to focus to the part of me giving in – as it is not that schizophrenic as I explained, but I have done being drunk a zillion times and it was neither of solution or real enjoyment – but was a way to my mind to get on top actually, while I submitted to a kind of ‘given up’ about myself in relation to the point triggering the impulse to do what makes me react.

I will continue on this topic, as at times, especially when being tired, I can have the tendency, desire and want to get energetic, upbeat, active again.

Thus asking myself – why I can’t rest already, was my day effective, do I support all I did today? So it can turn out that (example) for an hour I was not doing what I see as priority, thus I am not satisfied or honored I feel myself about myself, thus need to be distracted or avoid facing the point of responsibility as it would require more effort.

Even can happen that I have so much identified myself and my ‘movements’ with energetic reactions, that without those I feel I am not moving fast enough in reality, and not realizing that although thoughts can work quickly, it’s always the physical what’s really relevant, stable and consistent.

 

 

 

 

Day 337 – Transform Shame into Change

img_1063Sharing Shame. Interesting concept, not the most common topic to share about, but it holds the key for self-Change.

I made a VLOG about shame recently, although it was a bit dark, but voice is clear.

Openly face Shame and to see how I can take responsibility for by understanding the details of my mindset, personalities, thoughts, feelings and emotions to be able to Forgive and Prevent myself to repeating the same mistakes – thus practically Change and stop be ashamed for what I am aware of as not self-honest, neither supporting me and/or others.

Everyone who has ever felt shame for anything should take responsibility for and own it, not suppress, hide or even being ashamed of shame.

I walk Self-forgiveness on what I have been, used to be and still can be ashamed of.

I open up not just that ‘I don’t like it, I don’t want it‘ – but to see how and why I did what then I felt ashamed of. The context, the starting point, the pattern is relevant here, the relationships and the self-definitions as well.
Equally so the thoughts(backchat, inner dialogue), feelings(positive reactions), emotions(negative reactions) – what supports deeper understanding, thus better practical, specific awareness of the whole story, which I can re-visit, write down, slow down within and cross-reference with common sense, self-honesty to be able to see/realize and understand, what I can and should do differently next time to assist and support myself and others around me.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of things, and then to accept that shame as a package, a part of me, and creating a victim role within it as the following: I’ve done this, did not do that, experienced and felt like this or that, and thus now I feel bad about it, I am ashamed, and it’s done already, nothing to do about it, it’s fact, written to reality, and I feel that this can’t change, thus it’s a splinter in my mind from now on.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse shame as not living the words but manipulating myself with them to have an excuse and justification of why not need to change, expand, understand and grow, because of what I have done already and how I feel ashamed about those, as it’s unchangeable as in the past and I am already in the future/present.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be ashamed when I should be, and be ashamed when I should not be and in overall simply not being aware of when I should be how.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within writing out ‘when I should be ashamed’ to react with doubt and judgement, thinking of ‘sounds not cool/supportive’ to consider when I should be ashamed, like it must be wrong to feel shame, as doing it when I have done something bad, therefore the idea of ‘should be ashamed’ I allowed the tendency to not look at, disregard, suppress.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within denying, disregarding, suppressing my relationship with shame, I am denying a part of myself, which then I try to disconnect with, thus I am giving away understanding, power and self.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the simple message of shame within myself, which is the need for changing myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized on how to assist and support myself within embracing shame to see what I need to change within myself and how to do it exactly within practical, tangible plan and action.
  • I forgive myself that I have not been able to directly see behind my own shame, because then I would see/realize/understand that I need to change, to change who I am, to walk into uncomfortable things I have allowed to manifest, to feel it, to face myself, to embrace and stop and then to apply the movement, the direction, the action I need to take to change myself, step by step, waking into the unknown, which can seem scary and as losing what I have.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within walking into unknown and change I keep focusing on what I can lose, instead of directly seeing what I am losing by not moving and changing, and also on how I could grow with this change, which as it is realized already: unknown.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist change by facing unknown, which I believe that can be bad, thus rather risking to accept how and who I am today, which I already realized it’s not ‘ideal’ or supportive, self-honest – and also it is what I am ashamed of — thus, risking not to change, not to move, not to explore of what is beyond my shame and dishonesty in order to protect of what I perceive having.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within resisting to change, having excuses and justifications to try to preserve and hold onto what I perceive having, while not realizing that what I seem to have are memories, personality patterns, physical objects, and from any of those I can not realize my utmost potential, although I understand that these can be of great support, I only expand when I take the leap of faith, faith within my self honesty and direct action.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist with shame in a relationship what I’ve also defined as shameful, meaning to have shame is reason to have shame, and not realizing that shame is just a word, and it’s meaning what animates people, thus if I re-define it, I can support myself to be better, self-honest and supportive for myself and others equally.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the support and power within decomposing meaning and patterns of words and then to re-align myself with re-defining those words with principle, self-honesty and integrity and committing myself to live that word in the way I decide to.

Shame – redefinition: when and as I feel and experience shame, I realize that there is a point within me what I am actually aware of as I am seeing that this is not self-honest, not honoring myself and others with, and I do not like it, I feel that I should be/act differently about it, thus I see the common sense to CHANGE myself, to INVESTIGATE, to REALIZE the points, the context, the reaction, the starting point about and around this word ‘shame’ and to work on preventing myself to ‘need to feel’ shame.

Example: I was ashamed that once I did beat up my dog, when I was kid and I felt like I could never forgive myself for what I have done, initiated by feeling hurt and being angry, I lost my presence and for decades I was ashamed of this, until I found http://desteniiprocess.com(this is a serious course, with lot of work on self, but thus the result can also be profound, I really recommend it, I walk these courses since years and the change, stability, and increasing self-trust, self-direction is extraordinary) and it’s free, introductory course LITE and realized that I can forgive myself, I can stop being ashamed by:

I understand why I did what I did within it’s utmost specificity(how and why I was frustrated, bullied, abused as kid, felt powerless, insecure, etc)
How and why I will assist and support myself within similar situation to prevent myself to ‘lose myself’ and also to immediately become aware of what consequence I am about to manifest and realizing – ‘I’ve been there, it’s bad, I don’t go, I STOP’.
I commit myself to really not do it again, and if I am losing myself, having temptation to, fall back, etc – then I apply Self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-corrective statements and actually living it in action.

The same is to apply any kind of things one can be ashamed of: addiction, fear, body shape or actions one did in the past, etc.

Thus realize – shame is not bad, only becomes embarrassingly unbearable, if one remains within it – becomes it, instead of seeing what it is showing, a potential of self-honesty in physical living.

Day 336 – Self forgiveness to deal with sadness

IMG_2383sWho I am with Self-forgiveness?

I am sharing my process of Self-forgiveness since almost ten years now and I’d like to reflect back on this extraordinary journey and discovery of self, a liberation, a re-alignment and change, which keeps continuing and expanding every day.

If anyone says or thinks – “I am done with self-forgiveness, there is nothing else to forgive” – I’d say that person should not be trusted. Why? Because that person

  • a) thinks that now ascended to another level – obviously only within the realms of ego
  • b) clearly sees that the job is certainly not yet done, but wants to appear that way for some reason – again, very cautious one should be with that person

It’s fascinating to see that so many people are keep preaching about god and jesus – while they have no idea about the depth – the actual debt – of forgiveness as through thought, word and deed within unification.

Fortunately – and unfortunately for many – the equation is very simple – there is no middle ground, any blame or justification, denial or resistance towards equality means that the person is still existing within the mesmerizing experience-series of self-interest.

And it’s alright – well, not for long, but until the moment of self-realization: there is no other choice but to embrace and acknowledge, accept and own the fact that I am responsible. Everyone is.

Each and every single human being is equally responsible for the current manifestation of earth.

It might sound silly, bad, or even offending, thus I’d suggest to say it aloud for a couple of times to let your own sound, voice and resonance to vibrate in the air, through your body and thus reach the mind as well to recognize, it’s a great opportunity to accumulate something what could support all.

I know, quite some people who have difficulty to understand the equality point within all’s process, and for myself I also have difficulty to try to explain.

For me, this immediately made sense when I first read it at ‘desteni.org’ – I am always equal and one with and as what I am located within/experiencing/expressing.

How can I not be equal and one with what is here, when I am always here.

I am telling here, literally here: it is not a physical pointer, this word what it refers to: here, but it’s a self-expression of who I am.

Or who I am NOT as a matter of fact, when I am not fully here, present, in this moment expressing directly with – into – and as – the physical substance, again: here, consistently.

So let’s walk a point emerged recently:

Yesterday I was very busy, I had a point what I took very seriously, something to do, accomplish, get done and I had extreme lot of difficulty, thus I could not do as I want and I got carried away with frustration several times.
It was fascinating to see that I want something soooooooo much, everything is here as opportunity to make me own the thing, to get it done, yet I was unable to. And the more I wanted, the less I progressed, like literally banging my head to a brick wall without anything changing, except my head feels more pressurized.

I was waving, energies were flowing through my mind, I got hooked into energy intensity, wanting to have more energy. After an exhausting day, I just could not rest, wanted to have more experience, so actually went out, I was driving on the highway to find some place to have dinner and I tried to compensate tiredness with energy.

So it’s this writing’s realization – that every day I can see patterns and there is no such thing as ‘I can’t become better version of myself anymore’ – that is self-delusion, well – self-deception actually. But the good thing about it that it always comes with a reason, a justification.

Why should I keep limited within this situation exactly? It’s actually fear, even the bravest soldiers can have this. I’ve met with seasoned veteran also, his point, to return home, to go to playground, where it’s peace – that freightened him, more than being on the warfield, where everything is more determined, simplistic, even if it means he faces high percentage of death.

So, my point here is that when I am tired, exhausted, I should not identify myself with that experience, as it ‘seems’ like sad, lack of energy, in a way even ‘depressed’ – and my past ‘tactic’ was to stimulate myself with intensified moments to have ‘higher vibration of energetic mind experiences’ – so then I do not feel that ‘low’.

But actually what I was dealing with was real tiredness.
So it’s a lesson to learn to be able to differentiate between real tiredness and mental/emotional tiredness(from doing the same pattern all the time and expecting same result but deep within knowing that this is not going to change(=definition of insanity), thus feeling sad about it, instead of doing something actually).

And I rested well, had more rest during this(next) day and had a coffee. Everything is more clear now, and one point to note to self that I also can have tendency to react more to others when I am exhausted. I talked with someone and I thought ‘she is really sad and not feeling good’ – and well, it was partially true, but what I ‘thought’ as extra – was completely my projection.

Well, it’s easy to say: don’t do that, like someone else would say: it’s common sense, come on, why would you need to spend hours with writing and forgiveness, why don’t you just be smart?

Accumulation and the simplest yet greatest math to understand is the key here:

1+1=2 – who I am is result of accumulation and it might just takes equal amount to change that – lack of self-honesty, disregard of common sense, awareness and responsibility was accumulated for so many days, that it’s patterns my mind and body became comfortable to do almost (or not completely) automatically. Enough to skip presence in one breath and these patterns can start acting out by themselves – well, these patterns are also me, so no escape from responsibility by separating my personality/behavior/character from self-identification.
But actually the solution is to become exactly aware of these and own them, embrace, don’t judge, and for a moment to accept who I am and thus to see the extent of insanity if I am still self-dishonest with a pattern.

Such as identifying myself, as who I am, in relation to feeling good or bad, stable or weak, when I am tired, exhausted.
In a way, then I am more vulnerable to my acceptances and allowances to own me, and they are just showing who I am today, but certainly not determining who I would have to remain so, as I can accumulate decision, commitment, honesty and motivation to change, step by step, breath by breath, day by day.

So when I write about the point I see as self-dishonest and want to change about it, it’s great that I realized it, but still there are dimensions to it what I simply HAVE TO aware of in order to be able to effectively and certainly change this point within me.

I might have insight of WHY I had, have tendency to want to identify myself energetic states, and defining myself as sad and depressed, when being tired.

Also the mind is really an energy-hungry mechanism, which I am sure that actual science has not yet looked at thus most of humanity has no idea about it within it’s utmost specificity.

Myself, also knowing about it only, because walking Desteni I Process online course and listening the extremely profound education found at http://eqafe.com – they are way ahead of our time in terms of understanding, actual support and practical solutions to personality, mental, emotional and in general self-support. It would be a great mistake to disregard this website and it’s content, especially for those, who are really interested about how consciousness, the human mind and in general creation works. Just remarkable.

So, everyone has their own mind-mojo to boost their ego, the bubble of self-interest, wherein people can retreat to and ‘rejuvenate’, to refresh, fill up and often it’s done with not absolutely self-honest action, but with abuse of self or others.

I mean, no offense to myself, but when I am exhausted, why can’t I just rest directly? What’s the problem with the tiredness experience, what I am going through actually within those moments, what I want to avoid?
This is relevant, and I understand that many require therapy from others, but with writing, self-honesty, DIP online courses, I can directly open up and walk through these points.

And although it sometimes brings up quite ‘not really to be proud of’ things, or even nasty patterns from the mind, but sharing here does not mean that I should be ashamed of – well, exactly the opposite – I am honoring myself to discover, understand and share these patterns as I also recognize that this is not really who I am, but at the moment this is I have take responsibility for.

But if I keep hiding it within myself, like a secret from others – that means I dont want others to see this within me – which in fact means I do not want/or I believe I can’t change this, so I am going to remain like this, that’s why I want to hide it. Which literally means I have no power over this -> not cool.
Rather to expose all secrets thus my mind can rest but not just by sharing with everyone, but by sharing how I am working on it to change.

I am sure of that’s the real power of social networks, sharing our inner in a structured way which can help to understand more, so then solutions can be found more effectively and broadly.
No judgement, if people share picture of their dinner, but I mostly focus on social networks to these kind of things: self-honesty, self-forgiveness, real intimacy, wanting to change, find out real potential, how to make love livable, not just a feeling or desire, how to deal with addictions, self-dishonesty, fears, resistances, and many of my contacts there do the same, so their post are more real, intimate in a way, which when I read it, I really can have insight of what they are actually going through.
They might also share some point I am also dealing with so can have actual support, or I would face similar issues later, or someone around me, so I can be supportive. That’s awesome actually.

Let’s open this restlessness/sad/energy crave point before finishing here.

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized, allowed myself to clearly see and understand, when I am exhausted to the point of not recognizing that I have tendency to become unstable and more susceptible to negative emotional patterns, with which I try to fight against, as not wanting to experience, face, or realize within; thus wanting to stimulate myself to experiences where I feel more energetic, uplifted or ‘dynamic’.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I fight myself within with energetic experiences, self-stimulation by wanting to feel good, eating sweets, all of a sudden becoming horny, needing lot of coffee or tea, go out to experience thrill – it is the moment I am trying to avoid to experience something within me, which exists in a way I don’t want or can’t change yet, but it’s too uncomfortable to remain within experiencing it.
  • I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself to be open and direct with myself to see why I feel the day as ‘unsatisfying’, even after a hard working day, so still wanting, needing more experience, yet it’s clear that I am exhausted and common sense suggests resting and relaxing.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the real point within myself, which I feel exposed to, vulnerable in relation to, when I am tired, thus not having energy to disregard within myself or get distracted from by my usual daily activities, habits – to realize what is – or are – the real thing(s) making me unsatisfied, restless and actually sad.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that what points I am bothered with, feeling unhappy and unsatisfied are the points I perceive myself being powerless in relation to, which I can’t change at the moment, or changing it requires consistent and constant self-movement, direction, change, application, work, effort and investment, which I convinced myself or excused myself from it that I can’t do it or it’s not quick enough solution.
  • I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself that I am frustrated about not getting what I want right now, and previously the things were like this I intentionally did let go, so I do not feel frustrated and I believed that is self-liberation, but actually accepting my limitations, and within these times I stick to my decisions, which of some requires longer time to manifest, but at the meantime, when I am not stable, present and self-honest, I can feel as not good enough, thus myself not being good enough, wanting to do more, stay awake more as well, as feeling I did not do all I could but wanting to, even when I am clearly in a state when I am not effective and already ‘burning my reserves’ in terms of physical energy.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within not wanting to rest at night I am being faced with a point of ‘I did not do everything I could’ as self-judgement, which I do not want to accept, however it’s already done – and also possible that I actually did, but just perceiving or believing I did not – because the things I move manifest slowly in physical real timeline and within my mind I imagined, dreamed, desired perfect and immediate solutions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within my mind what I imagine as perfect/desirable by itself has nothing to do with reality and if I do not relate, bring down to earth with viable plan, structuring, consideration and reality awareness, I am existing within delusion, thus self-dishonesty if I get frustrated about why not desire/fantasy come true.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I did not want to be honest with myself about the fact that I miss my girlfriend being with me as she travelled away and I always feared to be dependent and connected as did not want to have the missing experience, so rather I’ve closed myself down and did not get anyone that really close or define her as important part of my life, but with this person I decided to risk to really connect and thus experiencing missing her and and aspect of myself I’ve defined myself being able to fulfil with her.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that missing someone is alright, even being sad is okay, nothing to fear about that, but only self-honest if that is not influencing my stability, presence, ability to live up to my commitments, principles and self-expression.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that I would not be able to remain unaffected with sadness if I would really ‘give into it’, thus I always ensured that I never face this experience, but rather distract myself, justify why it’s OK not to give into sadness, however each time accumulating self-suppression which certainly catches up to me just not the way it would consider me and my stability, as equally so as I also not consider it what it is, as aspect of myself I try to separate from myself due to a fear I do not acknowledge, name and embrace and take responsibility for.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that sadness itself is not bad, it also can be a self-expression, what can be re-defined, thus to ensure that I am remaining honored to live words as equal as myself without compromising principle and self-honesty.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that behind my actual sadness experience is self-acceptance for things I believed not to be able to change, however within my current relationship with my sadness, it’s also an excuse – to be able to secretly release all the suppressed sadness I accumulated within me during my life but never really faced it and experienced it fully, only at very short period of times when I could not hold it anymore.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am really sad about the world, how humans are basically cannibals as literally eating each other up in terms of resources and opportunities to support life and feeling that I can’t do anything about it by myself and not realizing that change always starts with self here, thus I change myself, I express myself, I move myself and the world might resist me, but eventually I can make the world accept me, and I accumulate a certain change by one participant, which I have absolute power over, myself here. And within that realizing that my sadness is give up, give in, if I stop moving by sadness as energetic experience – and I can use sadness as a reference point to see what I can do and what I actually do.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that sadness makes me weaker, thus it’s my important interest to get rid of it and avoid it at all cost, and not realizing that I do not look at it’s source, I just want to contain and handle a consequence, which is not common sense, as prevention is the best cure, here: to be honest with myself in the first place to see of about what I feel sadness and why and how can I ensure that I do everything in my power to prevent that to happen, if actually preventable. For instance in my case – to rejoin with my partner as soon as possible, and for that to see what I have to do and then focus on doing that, and within this to see that sadness is not real, it’s just a cover up of when I do not do all I can, so it’s a cool reflection of inspiration to move.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress emotions on a daily basis as I realized if I allow them free roam within me, I compromise my common sense, logic and decision making, but not realizing that each emotion I do not face and deal with it – will remain here, in and as my body as myself and will return eventually, no escape, thus the solution here, which I did not realize to prevent myself to go into reactive-emotion-based behavior, and for that to be able to prevent I need to see the patterns, conditions, trigger points before falling into the reaction – thus literally re-writing my expression.

    So, just like it – I open up and see what’s behind emotions, memories, layers of personality.

And within writing – I am here, stable, directive, slowed down within, thus I can ‘read’ myself from within and by writing words down, I am becoming to be able to see more clearly of what’s happening within me and to also see if I am honest with myself or not.

It’s difficult to be absolutely honest with myself but that’s the only way that for longer term I prevent inner conflict to be created, and in that sense – it’s the most simple too – not in terms of doing what has to be done within self-honesty.

Also cool to write action points after realization:

  • When and as I am tired/exhausted – I recognize the tendency to get addicted to energy intensity, as when I am tired, I am more vulnerable to my temptations from my past patterns to stimulate and go into trance mode of ‘energy movement’ – which is not self-movement, but I feel like it, but within self-honesty I see that it’s self-delusion and if I accept that – I create inner conflict, which I can contain for so long until it bites me back – thus I relax, I rest – if my mind still moves when I want to rest – I use technique – relaxation, reading a book, eating, having shower, and then I rest. If I have not done all I could today when I am exhausted – I have to live with that but I’d rather focus to how I do not make the same mistake on the next day.
  • When and as I feel sad about missing someone or wanting to be with her, I realize that I am missing her expression of what I do not access within me directly for a reason and it’s my responsibility to be able to live aspects of myself regardless of others – however to miss someone is alright, so it’s ok to realize how much that person can mean for me – but if I allow myself to be compromised within stability, presence, expression – then it’s an excuse to give into temptations of energy experiences, which is again a kind of trance state in my mind, where I can disconnect from reality for a reason I do not want to know directly or wanting to hide from for a reason I do not want to word it and be aware of it, because then I would have to start changing myself.

So emotions are not bad – they all indicate self-separation, self-dishonesty, if they appear and try to imbalance or control me, especially if I become distracted from solutions, commitments and of consistent presence within self-expression – and actually I try to make myself be controlled with the energy of it, thus it’s all of me and my full responsibility to directly live, not through reactions, suppression, separation and judgement. So for that, I keep continuing and committing myself to decompose these patterns, what can be explored, understood with writing, saying and living words within unification.

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Day 335 – Self-Change with Self-forgiveness

change-with-sfSharing a point of looking back to a recent energetic reaction within my mind-body relationship, triggered by fear – and applying Self-honesty with Self-forgiveness to stop and prepare myself to prevent to repeat this automatic pattern.

Change one moment at a time. Structure yourself, your progress, your decision to not accept anything less than your true potential, which only can be discovered, manifested and truly lived with constant and consistent, disciplined and principled self-movement in and as this physical reality as unifying thoughts, words and deeds.

 

The video is my sound recording about the point with some imagery.

From the video quoting Self-forgiveness:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed patterns within my past to dictate what I should do, because I am not sure or in fear that I am not in control, therefore:
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I do not get what I want and within that not realizing that, that want I participate within is only about myself and my fear of not getting what I want, which simply means complete obsession and lost within self-interest, therefore I commit myself to stand up and stand within the principle of Equality and Oneness and I change.
  • When and as I see this energy to move, I change, I stop, I step out, I recognize, this is from my past, and therefore I move out within the energy and move into the Self-direction, the change, the recognition as who I am as I direct.

And by looking back, from the memory my fear comes from:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that worry and fear can help me to get what I want, because with that experience I get ‘tube-visioned’, so only focusing to the point of what I want, because of the fear, that otherwise, directly myself I could not get what I want.
  • And I forgive myself that I have not realized my starting point of wanting within the mind energy relationship through accepted definitions of words with memories and reacting to re-activating those, and thus not trusting myself directly here – not trusting that I can do, act, live what I decide, but through this relationship with my mind, which is self-dishonest.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized why it is self-dishonest to participate within energetic experiences of fear and worry, doubt and despair, as focusing to the side effect and not the core of the real issue I am experiencing myself as equal and one.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that my fear, doubt, despair and worry ALWAYS has explanation, justification within me, and until I am not becoming specifically aware of those word-based patterns by directly seeing them in front of me without reacting, until that I am not the directive principle here, but influences can stimulate, move and direct me, regardless of my decisions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I was in doubt and thus was afraid that my partner would leave me in my past and within that fearing that then I would need to be alone, so I could not get what I want, there would be noone to be with me, so then I would need to face myself directly, which I believed is undesirable, boring and limiting – and within these judgements, not realizing the actual opportunity to live self-honesty:
  • desire to be with someone in general, defining myself as boring, limited – and not looking to how to expand within these dimensions, but rather to just stimulate myself with someone I defined as great.
  • I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself about that I doubt myself, I fear myself ending up remaining alone, and projecting out the lack of self-trust, self-support and self-love by wanting to someone to trust me, support me and love me, because otherwise I can’t experience these qualities, as I am unable to do so alone, based on the original judgement, fears and limitations I accepted to became part of me.

– So this is like I can reveal that I fear losing the opportunity to override an original experience within myself of doubt, inability to support and love myself primarily.

Yes, this was the case, but I have changed, still changing, however this kind of pattern within my behavior still can be revealed after years of work within a specific situation, for instance mixed up with another set of memories of mine, with a specific individual I was within partnership before.

With her we had conflict, doubt, worry and even control-related self-dishonesty – I focus to myself and my responsibility, so here meaning within me, not focusing to other person, as I change myself first and she is long gone since years now anyway. But if not dealt with, a memory, a reaction, a fear pattern from the past, can remain as a splinter in the mind, and sooner or later one will face consequences, thus it’s common sense to go ahead of that and deal with it when I direct. This means I do not watch all the series, I initiate, I investigate, I prevent, I change. Actually great enjoyment to get to know myself and thus the human psyche in overall.

And after a pattern becomes more clear – also to see how and why it’s being triggered, when what exact point my partner says or reveals to me, I associate with – then I re-define what to do, ‘prescript’ myself in a way, this does not mean I become robotic – just giving a structure for a moment to myself to support with change, which takes time, and real action.

So these are layers of the consciousness. And one might think, well this can be just thought through while running in the forest for an hour.

Well, not really, thoughts can’t really be trusted as they come and go, also can trigger energetic experiences, emotions, feelings, another set of thoughts, which can compromise the ‘unbiased’ – self-honest ability to open up and walk through points within oneself.
Thus the writing, thus the recording of sound/video. Cross-reference, make notes, script and execute decisions. Sounds very machine-like, but discipline is suggested, although also not to become this rigid person, but also to have fun and enjoyment.

To learn this principle, skill, self-directed change from shyness, fear, addiction, inferiority, doubt or in overall lack of reason to live, shine and grow – investigate these supporting sites:

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