Two VLOGS I find relevant to become aware of the patterns we have to change within:
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I rarely talk about my past when I used to experiment with psychedelic drugs. It’s so beyond me, yet in a way always part of me now.
There are various subcultures, musical scenes, literature, art and community, which I am still in touch with, because regardless I do not do the mind-blowing, there is value, potential and enjoyment within these connection points with others and myself.
It’s such a taboo topic to talk about, yet there are things to understand there, especially for those who still indulge in such activities.
Not many come forward to share their experiences, because of the witch-hunt of ‘drugs’ by most of the governments, so it really does not easy to find authentic sources of information regarding to actual self-support.
I do not really fear being judged because I did it for a while; I am certain that do not need those anymore.
Let’s focus to one particular point today, just to not blow this writing away.
Dancing. But if I speak about that, have to make a detour about drugs too as for me, one followed the another for a while.
Recently I went again to a trance party. Not to my type of trance party actually, but does not really matter. Even though the whole process I walk here with self-investigation and self-honesty, one would think that to define ‘my type’ might be limiting. And indeed it might be, but still, I can have my own personal taste and individual expression.
So, I love to dance, to move for hours with music, with others, to be dance itself! Quite an experience which definitely can be relatable to sex.
Self-expression and exploration, enjoyment and expansion. Substantiation and presence.
See – one can re-define words and to live according to that definition. So it makes sense to define with words what do not limit us.
Dancing was not always about presence and clarity, direction and self-honesty for me, but I have decided to re-align to this.
When I visited parties the first time it was more about to overwhelm and blow my mind with substances and to attain certain levels and experiences within consciousness. In a way, I am quite lucky as those experiences were literally extraordinary and have showed me that opening one tiny door can change the whole world, thus in this sense it was great.
On the other hand, I was so reckless, reactive, gullible and suspectible to experiences that the whole intensity hypersonic mind-blowing trip-ride got me by the balls so to speak.
Regardless of that my main goal was always about self-liberation and further understanding, I often sacrificed my time on the altar of pure hedonism and even within that sometimes I was able to substantiate some insights, but the fact is – although I’ve tried to raze and explode, incinerate and disintegrate my mind system as felt like it was always in the way of true exploration and liberation, I have been always setup to fail with this borderline self-destructive passion.
I really believed that by brute force I can break through all of my limitations, which I believed were mental mostly, but at times I really scratched my physical limitations with the overwhelming mind-frequency intensification, and although it felt extremely stimulating, sometimes I literally felt like touching insanity and physical death level.
One might find this ‘hobbi’ to be quite extremist and somewhat pathological, but noone can argue with the fact that in this world people are indoctrinated, controlled, freightened and quite deeply brainwashed to the tiny confines of a commonly accepted norm, which is obviously not the best for all participants here.
Billions live in extreme poverty, not being able to afford sufficient food, shelter, education and healthcare. One only can find their own existence extremely limited and imprisoned, when tries to break through the norms and limitations society binds us all into a state where war and abuse, rape and murder is justifiable.
When one tries to stand up and really wanting to make a difference, even just within themselves or just wanting to become a more effective and healthy person, can face the situation that there is something inherently wrong with our mind, behavior and thought-patterns. This indeed requires courage to admit but absolutely worth it.
That was me in a nutshell and I really got fed up with my own bullshit and for a while limitations and truly believed that the drugs will help me to liberate myself.
What I did not take into consideration was that regardless of how much I used brute force to break down my mind system, which often felt liberating, when the intensity and sort of purification energy of the drug started to fade, I always went back to the same old patterns, behaviors, reactions and justifications.
Literally regardless of all the mighty experiences I had about consciousness, white light, patterns, symbols and onneness with the whole existence in and out – they were merely glimpses of a state of being I never really understood. And of course, my own mind was always happy to throw in some grandiose hallucination to please and entertain me without admitting that this is just a play of my own imagination, I am still in my mind, just it’s melted a bit and looks/feels cool.
So what I had to realize was that no matter what I do, the mind remains mind and there is a physical limit I can’t go beyond because I kill the body. Thought this as identifying myself as a mind consciousness system. The body always felt weak, ugly, confining, miserable and limiting, so I was one of those who defined the body to be inferior to the mind and consciousness. Yet after a long while, I had to try to explore other ways to expand.
I was regularly visiting these goa trance parties in these states and it was fascinating, the loud and dominant somewhat melodic yet pleasingly stimulating vibes helped to fall into a sort of trance state wherein the thoughts were sort of suppressed and I was able to just BE sometimes.
What I always found strange that all these people dance all night, and I defined their movements to be unnecessary, in a way sort of inferior, as had the thought: why bother moving the body, to be one body, when you can expand yourself to be the whole party, or existence itself?
But something was calling with those dances, beyond the fact that all the cute ladies were dancing in the front with such a passion, meanwhile I acted like a plant somewhere in the background, just standing, looking, listening. Might even felt like an empty shell, a hollow vessel.
I was obsessed with emptiness, all I cared about to empty my mind, to be quiet, to shut it up and down, to finally experience peace.
There was so much I did not understand back then. Years passed while had to give into the realization that it’s not enough to quiet the mind, I have to move myself as well, otherwise all means nothing, just sitting my life away literally. As the playground for my explorations was the crowded loud party scene, dancing came up.
So I was convinced that with some little chemical help, I could transition into dancing more easily.
That was what I used with a decision that no matter what, this time I will dance.
It was quite a blast! I was still a mind, meaning having mind consciousness starting point, but used the body as a reference point to stabilize my beingness within, so I could ‘fly’ and basically daydream more. Often reached the limit of thirst and tiredness, but with stuff, one can reach a little bit beyond.
There were friends of mine, extraordinary dancers whom with we became one through hours of dancing and I always had the feel of an essence, a symbol to crystalize within my experiences what I believed to be helping me and I started to focus on not only the experience of but the techniques and physical details of my dancing.
I did dance with psychedelics for years and after a while I’ve noticed that I’ve became quite natural and experienced with the whole ‘dance floor, movement, behavior expression and interaction’ but in a very specific way only. I felt like machete-d myself a nice circular path in the jungle, and on that path I was enjoying myself to dance around and keep using the machete to cut down any growing plants, branches, so it remained clean and easily walkable.
But as soon as I stepped over the pre-cleaned path, it became stumbling and awkward, resisted and uncomfortable.
Example: I was approached by a lady to just socialize, and on acid, I was not the most talkative person, and all of a sudden, I was judging myself as seeing how I behave and I reacted to it – defined myself to be like an insect, very anti-typical not-human-like and I felt that although I am now able to have fun and find this empty mind clarity – it’s still quite limited. It was like a snap to realize, I can slow down and sort of freeze the mind, but with just one stumble and I am whoooosh, down on the pipe already into the good old self-limiting reactive, judgmental thinking, separated and limiting mind again. Soooo frustrating was to experience the ‘fall of man’ – I tried to define these processes, read all the literature, studies, old and new books, but rarely found genuine descriptions of what I went through. And even when I did find, I just got distracted for a while to follow up and eventually realize the flaw within those distraction paths, such as spirituality, buddhism, etc. Separation, polarity, dishonesty.
The problem was not with the stuff, neither with the dance or the path I walked, but my ‘original’ points, which I believed that I was transcending during these quite hectic years.
I ended up with the same realization as I had years before with the spiritual meditation – when I was sitting, looking at the candle, for many-many hours, relentlessly, as the meditation textbook suggesting: ‘looking at the surface of the lake, smoothing it to become still and mirror’ – or when you roll upwards a huge rock upon the mountain with the disciplined meditation, and you keep falling back but once you will be able to reach the top with the rock and you find peace and clarity’. But once I stopped these techniques, I was at the same point, it was no true, measurable, mathematically accumulative progress, maximum self-conviction.
I was giving my life into those ways, I definitely know what I am talking about when saying, I’ve been there, reached states with sober mind and experienced things ‘beyond’ – but in their nature, they were not different from drug experiences. All what extra they gave beyond the drugs was that I developed an unnatural amount of stubbornness and self-will to keep myself sitting and do nothing but quieting my mind. But even that was quite conditional and thus not truly self-realized.
But the thing is – my mind was always be so loud for a reason! Not because it’s nasty in it’s nature, but it was always telling me who I accept myself to be!
So instead of investigating those thoughts, emotions, I kept pushing them away, down, suppressing and denying to the mastery of self-deception when I was able to ‘whooosh’ shut it up – but required my full attention with all my discipline. Which was sometimes available, sometimes not. And when I was not in this discipline mode, the mind roamed free – had to – as needed to balance it out from all this extreme suppression with what I tried to change it.
All in short – no matter how much one works on changing one’s mind – it’s impossible – because it’s just a systematic reflection of my beingness.
Instead of focusing to my being, who I am, accepting and allowing myself to be – I was raging a war against my mind – – the devil, the boogeyman, the white rabbit, which was actually myself. So I was always fighting myself, often went nuclear to decimate and mutilate my mind, ending up abusing myself on mental, emotional and physical level.
The dance was a beautiful holiday from these inner wars, because the mind was quiet, I was sort of satisfied, so as one song lyrics says ‘you take a vacation from
I kept exploring the various movements and physical expressions and even when I had the starting point as the mind – there was some enjoyment and emerging genuine physical awareness moments in those movements already.
Often at these tranceparties, me and my frends stayed until the last moment, when next day or at the end of the festival week, organizers turned off the sound system – because it had such a home experience, wherein everything is contained with the music, there is always a next beat, a melody, a synth pad flowing and waving, blooming and playing.
But the vacation was always over, and I returned home to my sober self and it felt miserable and I had to go to work, had to be with my arguing girlfriend and I just did not see actual change in my life.
It was a nice escapism era of my life although I always turned into an unstoppable flow of starting as a mild annoyance through bitter frustration into a full blown internal rage to try to break out from this mellow nightmare I existed as behind the smiling curtains…
Lol, such a dramatic wording, but this is brutal and absolute self-honesty, so no sugarcoating here.
When I had some near-death experiences, quite several ones actually, I had to stop and reconsider, as one thing I was absolutely certain with – it’s not yet time to die as I am still not free and thus my life is about to reach freedom. See – even the most innocent starting point can become subject and excuse to a total delusional mind-possession. Freedom is overrated. The only true freedom is living within absolute self-honesty. But in that time this was just not yet to be understood. So many years, unnecessarily. That’s why I compose this here, so others might do it more smarter.
I really tried to compress the amount of writing but this just came through. Dancing. Back to it.
I stopped taking psychedelics even before finding desteni self-supporting process, community and tools; as the last ones really just showed it’s acid-like characteristics to my mind, melting stuff down and remaining with nothing.
So I started to investigate a hundred other ways, methods, practices, history, cultures, books and I kept searching and looking.
One day, when I broke my leg, so could not walk, had no money, had nothing much, found Desteni Portal video, a being coming through(Jim Morrison) and he was talking about Oneness and Equality and to forgive myself. That hit really directly, immediately had the realization that this is it, it’s THE opportunity I have to grab with all of me entirely. I did not really care if this was truly ‘portalling’ JM from the ‘other side’, because I was mindblown by the words, the MESSAGE.
Noone ever talked of such words in this world, I am certain. No scriptures or allegedly holy books, teachings or schools ever mentioned the simple principle and practical common sense this message means, and still, it is one true authentic source of liveable self-honesty with the most direct approach. This I can stand with in front of the whole existence and will keep walking until it’s necessary or finding even more practical common sense.
So. I read all the available material back there about desteni, the message and the awareness tool self-forgiveness and started to write, apply this self-forgiveness as I really needed to(everyone). So many things I could not forgive myself from my past, many I did not even know about, that’s why the writing was necessary. And take responsibility for. Directly.
Throughout the last decade, I am still walking this process, this blog is one aspect of it, the courses I walk, and more relevantly, my life is what I embrace and share, committed to walk with the principle of equality and oneness within self-honesty.
Here I am today, no drugs since years, no alcohol, many things changed, but the dancing remained. More rarely, must admit, but still, at least once in two months, trying to go somewhere to have some fun moves.
See, it’s not about mind, transcendence, consciousness, nothing extraordinary, but me as physical, dancing and expressing myself as life itself.
Somewhen back, I think it was about 4 or 5 years ago, when I was already not doing drugs, I smoked weed again before one of my favorite trance performers, but the experience was very disappointing, I felt like I am not my whole body anymore, but condensed into my head and lost the overall one and equal as body experience(I guess the level I am in regarding to that in comparison to be in and as the mind constantly and using the body as a biorobot).
I had to wait on the dancefloor until the effect of the drug went away to be able to re-obtain my ability to dance.
And I was a regular smoker before, but something changed, I had to realize that I only believed that this drug supports me and turned out, not really, so the self-honesty is to let it go – and I had a bit of struggle with that for a while, sure, it’s quite stimulating, things seem to slow down a bit when stopped, but once I committed myself to stop once and for all, and stand into this bodytime awareness – Life just opened up to me so much more!
All the mind looks for is speed, energy and intensity – even if it means to fall out of sync with physical reality – can be addictive, but if someone aims progress, results and expansion – has to let go the mind completely and only use it as a tool, not as a master. And that takes time and effort to change.
One little example from my recent piano lessons – I keep practising the two hands scales up and down up and down, and after several mistakes, teacher says, I gotta slow down, focus on precision, instead of speed – and I still resist it! Because how grand it feels when I can do it fast! But sometimes I make mistakes, and then I am frustrated, doing it more, more faster, and then making more mistakes! Speed and effectiveness has to be built from the foundation, first slowly, with direction and awareness. Really the same with self than with any tools or instruments. Drugs do not help with that, I know, many take drug to fight against attention deficit or tiredness, but it always will take a toll, meaning opportunity to train and progress consistently. And that consistency is key. And if the drug sabotages my consistency being present, in sync with the physical – in dancing, playing music or simply walking or breathing – then the drug is not supporting me. Common sense. So by letting go the intensity, I can gain consistency. There is a saying ‘Walk slowly, reach further’.
See, all drug user people are blown away how much they can ‘flash’ and ‘fly’ with the experience, but the thing is, the most mind-blowing thing one can do is to constantly remain sober!
Another point for me about doing drugs at a party(or anywhere, anytime) is so limited – I am limited by the type of the drug and what effect it brings – and I can’t just turn it off, it has it’s own pre-programmed ride – and I am bound to that.
Nowadays, I can have the most ecstatic trance with sober self-direction, and in the next minute I can have casual discussion with people in clarity about anything requiring any type of focus or openness. From the dancefloor, I can walk to the car, sit in and drive to the highway and travel fast responsibly and safely.
If any sort of problem, accident or danger presents itself – I am immediately able to assess reality and support with effective and practical common sense.
I do not get exhausted by the drug experience, but by time will be tired, true, and then I go home and sleep – on next day I wake up without feeling drained or exhausted.
Many would argue, because of being sober, I do not reach such peaks and heights, intensity as they do with the drugs.
Here is the thing – I do not have to – I can be just fine without leaving my body and presence, responsibility and self-direction. Many thinks it is limitation, for me it is the liberation.
And if I feel limited about something, when finding myself on a new path – feeling awkward – which still can happen for sure – I am able to be present and see in real time, what’s the issue here, and how can I support myself to overcome this self-limitation or self-dishonesty.
I am often approached at parties when people see me dancing that they ask me if I can give them drugs, because they believe I am on something and they also want that. And I say, water – coffee, tea – and its quite a fun.
One should not need to take any drugs to have extreme amount of fun and insights, relaxation, entertainment and release – because then what happens is that I am not moving, directing, DOING those things directly, but I am using a bridge to help me to do it, and next time it will be a bit more difficult to do it by myself. So, especially with people who have tendency to have addiction, can really pick up the habit of taking drugs and that’s why it’s called “re-creational drug use”.
They keep trying to re-create the same experiences, what they defined as cool.
Over and over and over again. I did not like that, I was born to consistently expand, grow and learn, understand and explore a bit more every day.
So, dancing is part of me now, and still there is so much to learn, explore and enjoy, but it’s not needed for me to be here, to enjoy myself and be clear within myself. Just as I mentioned before, same as sex – should be an equal aspect of our lives without the mind dominating it.
And alcohol and drugs are the best food for the mind, it really grows and inflates, feeds those. That’s why it’s not really suggested to use them for those who really and truly, honestly and absolutely want to transcend their own mind-limitations. Period. There is no place for excuse or justification beyond this. Who still tries to validate a semi- or full regular drug or alcohol use yet still claiming to walk the self-liberation – it is pure self-delusion. Not me to judge at all, not everyone ‘needs’ to transcend, only who decides to and I am here to reflect in that regard.
Because once one lets go the mind – alcohol or drug has no effect whatsoever. And even that can screw with the mind by people ‘wanting just to test if they still being owned by the mind’ – it’s really slippery and one can really sink one slip at a time by defining it still being cool to end up in ten years still getting drunk and sometimes not understanding why so bitter.
Words are the keys, to decompose, re-define and live them according to no polarity of the mind, no energy, and that is a key to progress.
That is why I find this little story strong, because it’s from the point of one word – dancing – and how it started, what I defined it, how it did not support me in the longer term, thus needed to let go, re-define and nowadays, if I live the word dancing – it is not limiting, but part of my self-expression.
About drugs – I do not say you should not do it, but on the longer run, beyond trying once or twice, it is really not giving that much as walking life soberly can give. And I have many friends who still ‘push’ and ‘blow’ their mind with alcohol and drugs – it’s their decision, I do not judge, but certainly showing an example of how to live and expand without those, and if asked, I am sharing what and how I realized to be who I am today.
In this regard I find confidence and calmness within, respect and trust towards myself.
This is my process in relation to dancing and drugs, self-honesty and re-definition in a nutshell.
So that’s it for now, consider writing, every day, stabilize yourself, get back to the physical and let go the convictions and delusions one breath at a time.
Thanks, enjoy, dance and breathe as there is no next moment, fully self-honest and present as you can!
Some opening up self-forgiveness statements, if one is on similar path but would like to understand more about what’s behind the conscious mind…
Just to see – how one can utilize this kind of approach to discover what I have accepted, by looking inwards, to follow the rabbit, writing down and seeing the patterns of matrix, which is everywhere, because it’s my consciousness and as I defined as who I am, do not not even consider the need or practicality of deconstructing and releasing it word by word.
Thanks again, enjoy and bye
Let’s see a point of disruption within consistency
I notice a self-dishonesty ‘going down‘ – which means I am doing something which of am realizing that it’s not supporting, based on self-interest or delusion, yet I am not stopping, forgiving, re-aligning and changing that.
That disrupts the built up consistency and self-trust. In a way it even contains shame and regret. But it’s all self-manipulation, because I see the choices, I make one based on understanding the consequence, which I will judge myself about.
Within that experience, a resistance to movement will manifest. A sort of doubt, a petrification.
In a way it is a bubble of excuse to keep walking and moving and I know it will dissipate, but in a way I count on it and while this bad phases out, I do not move, push, expand and stand up but to distract, entertain and suppress myself.
This is a tough point, because relates to several self-dishonesty points I return to participate within from time to time and I do not really like that.
Various strategies I can apply towards this, the most recent is to not look back, don’t try to analize, deduct or decompose, just keep looking forward, not judge myself, but keep moving, trusting myself that eventually I will get through and over this.
In a way it’s alright, but at the same time it’s kind of a bullshit, because here is no balance of looking at the facts without judging and getting reactive to understand versus keep moving forward within self-trust.
So it is an unworded doubt I see. I do not word it, because then I would be ‘judging’ but it’s infiltrating me.
This relates to why I did not write yesterday. Let’s not misunderstand, it’s quite alright if I do not write for one day, when it’s a decision, clarity within self-honesty and acting that – but when it’s not decided, it’s like I am being triggered to do or not do something, that is a problem.
Not because I am a control-freak mind-power-junkie, but because I am aware of that there is doubt and behind it there was a choice wherein I deliberately chosen self-dishonesty to apply, even when I knew that I would regret it, because I do not really want that to do, but in the moment and of reactions, I fell into this energetic state.
Sigh. Let’s list up the points to see what would be practical approach
to list up these situations and draw the trigger point – automatic reaction – predictable action triangle to these points, so I can predict consequence within awareness without using the mind, thinking and thus automatically reacting. It’s like learning who I am today objectively. Almost like clinical observation – cause and effect. It’s quite a challenge, but that’s where Desteni I Process course, support and community helps immensely. The tools and lessons, principles and techniques really help me to slow down, ground myself and re-align.
Recently I started to apply breathing a bit more actively than before – it’s still not a natural skill, sometimes doing, sometimes forgetting – but getting to the ability to push myself into breathing and presence – out from the mind. Even if it means as a bit more heavier, intense breathing. Not quite, but at the moment explaining with – clearing my head with pushing in oxygen. Of course, not to hyper-ventillate(breath very intensely and quickly for a while), because that would probably get me psychedelic experiences, but to simply bring myself back here.
It’s something to experiment with.
I used to believe and define that I am more aware if I always breath more slowly, but the thing is – it’s really contextual.
It’s not about how I breathe, but who I am within that and am I present or lost in the mind thought-emotion-reaction maze for seconds, minutes…
Presence and self-trust, self-honesty and consistency is really something what can be broken and diminished with losing presence by falling into the mind-maze, even for a second. Accumulation of that substantiation should not be underestimated, just as the lack of it too.
Back to the first topic – it’s almost like manipulating myself to justify stop moving and trying to ‘create time’ for the positive experience I create by defining moving and expanding as difficult, thus somewhat negative.
in fact, when walking through the bullshit of my self-creation, it might seem as negative, but it’s just what is here and how I defined it, and it might as well be that it’s indeed that crap, who I accepted myself to exist as, and now just starting to face and it’s tough. That’s why I avoided to face and transcend myself in the first place.
So that’s a relevant point in process to prepare – my own bullshit will be stinky and should never be any excuse not to keep walking through it.
Many people stop walking their process of self-realization by defining it to be too hard, intense, difficult or even impossible, start justifying by injecting blame, projection or any other mind-component, and it’s obviously self-dishonest.
So walking self-forgiveness on these two relevant points now.
In regarding to this, the second point about breathing is to create and live in order to support slowing down within when the positive-negative mind-polarities would overwhelm with energetic experiences to the point of automatic actions.
I am learning to play piano with private teacher since a while. It is going – I don’t really know how. Sometimes seems like I have elephant hands, other days I am surprised how awesome I do by considering that I just started. It’s really difficult to tell how I progress. There is some, that’s certain.
Here is this temptation sometimes to compare myself to others, in particular kids, as the school I go to, where are multiple rooms with pianos, in the hallway, there are these huge couches and sometimes I wait there for the previous pupil to finish with my teacher. So I am sitting with kids. Kind of cute scenery, I guess.
So sometimes I wonder if am I slower or faster learner, but then I realize, it does not really matter. I do not wish to be famous concert soloist soon, not that I do not want to be better and better, but primarily it’s not about how good I become. Mostly, because it’s relative.
I have a starting point, a commitment, a decision to do and with that it is quite simple to progress.
Wow, this point has opened up a loooooot of things to write about, so let’s prioritize and stick to the point.
Let’s put my life simply into three phases to make it more obvious.
The things, habits, abilities, skills, relationships I have formed in the first part of my life is still required to walk a re-alignment
during my second phase I was quite clinical so to speak to approach things, so it was sort of a self-introspective, from action point of view might seem as a passive phase, but it was self-movement already, just mostly through the mazes of my mind
The things and activities I have decided to do since finding myself more and more here, present and directive are much more carrying a signature of clarity and simplicity.
Driving a car is something I’ve learned four years ago and as it was extremely challenging in the beginning due to my fears and resistances but once walked through those, it’s something what granted me a lot of gifts and potentials to grow.
Learning music is also something what I’ve approached multiple times in my life but somehow always postponed, de-prioritized. Since moved to Ireland, this was a clear decision that it is something I am going to do and investing into it. Also doing it quite moderately, not falling into it, there are other decisions, commitments to apply before this in the priority list of self-agreement, but it’s something what’s doable in this phase of my life, so decided to do this investment.
Investment used to be such a distant and sort of scary word for me before – mostly because I never really had anything and did not consider what it can actually mean or birth.
It is still a tiny bit difficult to write it down – I am investing into learning music. Yet I am doing it in a consistent and measurable way since months.
It’s about self-reflection. And as this decision was born within the phase of my life when I am much more clear, calm, assertive and directive, yet having some patterns, memories linking back to my past – it’s quite supportive to be able to ground myself with this point; yet being able to walk the self-correction of my reluctancy to patterns from my past. Those patterns I already realized that do not support me thus requiring release and change.
I am learning the simplest songs in the world to play with piano. Two hands. Yet can be challenging.
I never admitted that I have this ‘love’ – addiction maybe – to experience frustration from time to time. Not directly to the frustration itself, but the limits I face and the opportunity to get through those, it’s something exciting.
Altough it can escalate to impatience and impracticality.
Sometimes happens that I can’t play something well, I just play it more and faster, not caring if I make mistakes, just keep doing, flowing, moving…
The teacher lady suggests me to really slow down and do it right from the start, with focus, discipline, precision. Makes totally sense.
I still feel that there is something in those free undisciplined fast practises I cannot yet word, but something is birthing from those specifically, so will do so.
Yet also taking the professional advice to slow down. In a way it’s great to take the advice and at the same time to allow myself to find within it in a balanced manner.
Not really liking frustration though. I used to become really frustrated when I could not do something. Made me kind of pissed off that I can’t do it and that gave me the strength to headbang myself to it again and again until I can do it.
In my past with the music, with all the theory missing, the basic structure and ability to read and play scores made me hitting a wall. I just could not pass through this. I am capable of composing complex audio sequences as did several ‘tracks’ before, yet not being able to ‘speak’ the language of music – my creations were always limited and I knew it. So that’s why it’s encouraging to ‘go back’ and learn it and thus correct my approach to accumulate practical knowledge be able to read and write music and handle frustration much easily.
Now it’s simple – I stop, calm down, breathe and break it apart. Step by step, even if it’s one single note or two. Everyone should know this approach, one would think.
Everyone should be able to learn everything, one also might think. Yet most of the people can’t learn stuff, only what they have been preprogrammed to so to speak.
Music is just an example of many dimensions I started to be able to move. Before that although I had my cool moments, often felt like a trapped animal inside. And many did not know, notice or feel, but I did. And there were always someone else who also did and in those moments I felt more that I am not doing really great. This accumulated and eventually drove me to keep finding new things to stumble into the Desteni message and tools and community.
I am not going to say that Desteni process saved my life, it’s not a frakking jesus story – although I have gotten, and still receiving enormous level and quantity of support from desteni – but it’s all on me. All I learn and get, stop and change, birth and create – I am doing this.
In this sense, I am greateful to myself as desteni process and to imagine my life without it would sound like trying to continue living without breathing.
Everything new I start is so much simpler and clear now – and if is not, that is mostly because being related to something crap I carry from my past I have not opened, understood, forgiven and stopped yet, so it’s time.
Even the most difficult point in my life – partnership – the last one was much more simple, direct and stable than any of the previous ones. It has ended, yes, but learned something from it and opened up new things which I will be able to approach with curiosity and passion, clarity and openness.
This writing has opened up some points, so wrapping it up with some self-forgiveness sentences to substantiate the understanding, so can focus to real time application of change already. Writing about points is really useful, but sometimes things just can come at me and opportunity opens in the moment to apply, especially if the mind-stubborn patterns have been ‘loosen up’ with self-forgiveness previously.
It’s like magic – really, this is what everyone always dreamed of, desired after, just it’s so direct and surprisingly simple that noone realizes it’s potential. My, your potential.
There is this saying that Death is the true equalizer of war, meaning no matter if you are poor or rich, dumb or smart, young or old – you can die in any given moment without any deus ex machina and that is especially true on the battlefield, where people’s profession, hobby and obsession is to kill each other.
It is true, regardless of wars actually – everyone will end up being in a grave(or being cremated), no matter what, so in a way – it does not really mean anything who we are, death will equalize all differences and inequalities.
What the real question here is why we even bother being obsessed to only focus on our inequalities to separate and abuse each other with, when at the end we all hit the dirt the same way anyway. Does not really make sense.
All the experiences of fancy shoes, nice cars, attractive bodies – they mean nothing on the longer term, in the bigger picture, so why everyone is in this mind-frenzy without questioning the meaning of the human condition?
What remains though is the physical consequences of our actions, that is also a true equalizer as well, let’s refer to it as equalizer of life, as it is what it is: everyone equal from the perspective of being here, more or less leaving a footprint to the future before turning into wormfood or grey ash.
I find this as the most important aspect of my life, as I often see it, the ‘human condition’ – as we are gifted with the ability to grasp cause and effect, action and consequence, yet no one really stops to the extent of becoming aware of what it truly means.
This is what I assist and support myself with when facing resistances, distractions, obsessions or even possessions in my own mind-realm, because although all my very personal experiences seem to be so overwhelming and convincing to present themselves as absolute revelation to follow as the law of my beingness in the form of thoughts, feelings and emotions – they are irrelevant to the extent of what is real, priority and true value for all life on earth.
Why? Because It does not matter what I think, what really counts is what I do. And if I keep thinking that my choice is justified to keep entertaining and distracting myself away from all the wrongdoings happening by humanity in this world, I might feel pumped enough to believe that I literally have right to choose not to do anything about all the abuse and exploitation, extermination and enslavement happening every day in the name of free choice, liberty as self-interest.
How easy is to justify that an ordinary human’s life and their every day actions are insignificant and powerless in comparison to the big systems dominating the course and fate of humanity, such as money system, military industrial complex and brainwashing education and media conglomerate being run by sociopaths, automatized by family-providing army of such ordinary people scared of losing monthly salary every day justified by their so called love for their offspring, no matter the consequences.
Each sub-system of earth’s evil conglomerate’s has it’s own role to this and everyone is equally participating, thus being responsible.
Death is indeed an equalizer here, a liberator and revealer to what really matters here, which is the physical, no mind-games or experiences can transcend facts.
The only way to stand up to this consistently fate-sealing, all-annexing inevitable death is simply to realize the even more equalizer truth, the quality what we all bear, carry and represent already, always and unconditionally – that we are life, no matter what.
Death cannot exist without life – what we all need to do is to realize the actually relevant and real aspects of our – in a way, as our current form represents and manifests it: indeed truly miserable and irrelevant existence.
investigate, investigate, investigate
each of us has this mind what play god in our head while the true god is this physical existence, true ruler of life and death, so until we listen to and being mesmerized by our mind, we literally follow a false god, because it’s not real, not here and not even remains after death.
No matter what god anyone thinks of or prays to, all are a facade, a true consequence of our misplaced trust and belief to something completely delusional and selfish.
Let’s look at the sun. Yes, The Sun. It shines, shares, glows, no condition, without it – even if it would stop doing so just for a minute, probably all life here would disrupt and utterly die, no matter what. That can be as a reference for unconditional love, it does not care, radiates everyone.
Let me quote a rainbow hippie song here, just because it’s cute.
Deep inside my heart I’ve got this –
It’s shining –
like the sun
It radiates on everyone
And the more that I give
The more I’ve got to give
It’s the way that I live
It’s what I’m living for
So. I am deliberately wandering away from my usual points just to make the point that when we at desteni say equality – it does not mean we all have to be the same and everyone got equal opportunities, qualities, should get the same salary and stuff. No. What equality means is that everyone equally is an individual and unique expression of life, and although there are many things what we have been manifested as different, there are more major or let’s say true aspects of ourselves what makes us quite as equals. So instead of focusing to our differences, why not to focus to our similarities.
Because if we would do that, then we would all not just realize but truly feel that there are many who do not have a chance on earth to live a life what we would like for ourselves.
And deliberately most of us do not wish that worse life to others, we still are comfortable to accept them to exist in that way.
Poverty, famine, enslavement, abuse, war, rape and murder, extinction and annihilation is the name of humanity currently. Why? Just as with the positive thinking, – what many believe it’s some sort of magic, which is not, but merely a belief system – among all the positivism and super duper thoughts and feelings, emotions – there is enough only one negative to ruin all those positive experiences.
That’s why, it’s fabulous that we have art, beauty and glamour, love and creativity, science and all sorts of achievements, but what can ruin it all is how we treat our true nature, environment, each other and the future. Future as accumulating consequences by our actions every day, hour and minute.
This is what with I encourage myself to step out from entertainment for instance – that it’s just an experience and I start questioning why I would be so distracted or obsessed with feeling good all the time, it just might not to be the case that my original state is some sort of negative?
Anybody and everybody, who needs positive actually has negative already, otherwise would not bother.
So the self-realization means to investigate our condition in the mind consciousness, which is essentially a system, and to dare to reveal, discover the source and origin of these positive and negative judgments, experiences and preferences. Debunking them becomes easy, as a skill as one walks the process of self-forgiveness, to give for myself the chance to recognize what I might be doing by mistake, fear or misunderstanding.
Death is fine by me, but if there is opportunity, I chose to greet it with an impeccable respect to life, all life, because that is how I honor death, by honoring life, which means to not accept anything less than who I really am, my potentials are. And that means work, every day, to find my limits and expand them, because what I believe as a limit, by choice or by consequence, might be self-limitation, self-imagined, thus physically manifested. And that consequence created is being shared with all.
We might experience life through our own separate mind, but in fact on physical we all share the same, that is where we are literally one and equal, so to wander our awareness and discipline, focus and responsibility away from it seems merely ignorant, deluded and completely unfair to be honest.
That’s why I recommend to walk this process, start a blog, if you fear of being judged, start an anonymous one, who cares, just walk the damn process, otherwise you might end up being the same way limited as you were last year, ten years ago, and that’s quite a shame when we age and die without truly living.
I know, depression, burnout and hopelessness, giving up and feeling unfair seems pretty convincing, but until death, there is always way to find your own individual process and standing up. And for that to ask for assistance is encouraged. One humble and curious person will always get all the support of desteni community.
When I was kind of lost and desperate, confused between all the possibilities, convictions and conspiracies of what is really going on here, on earth, I got unconditional support from desteni and with that I am standing up to and as life, and everyone can walk this if they dare to be honest with themselves.
It’s scary because the consequences what have been already manifested are massive, yet what is to realize that life always finds a way, just look at simple seeds and plants – they can grow out from impossible conditions without a doubt.
And when we suggest things such as equal money, it’s not about giving free, supporting the lazy, the abusive or going insane – it’s about being able to give what we would like to receive. There are examples here and there for glimpses of what society could give us, free health care, housing, education and support as birth right. Anyone opposing these only mean that they already got more than most of the others yet they do not wish that for them as well. Sounds strange and the reason for that can be found in their mind, convictions, personality and thoughts, feelings and emotions. That’s why the investigation is suggested.
I can’t investigate your thoughts, my neighbor’s thoughts and realize what’s self-honest, it’s your, their responsibility.
And until you, they do not do that, I am here to share the consequence of such mind what would not give as would like to receive, and that is a problem.
Yet, I can’t really judge anyone else’s process, oh hell, I should not even judge my own process, because judgement means a view of separation, polarity of the mind, thus it’s not true, not real.
I should live and show, teach and support as an example of how to stand up to self-dishonesty and how to change and align with principles of life.
Usually it is not a great thing to walk into other’s life and tell them they are full of sh*t, probably it will end up not really listening to my words, but they will listen to their own reactions and without the ability to reflect and self-investigate, I am more causing problems and distractions than providing solutions.
Yet, I can and should speak up, share and reveal, expose and explain.
There is a lot to understand about life, and death is inevitable, literally we have limited amount of days left, hours, minutes and moments left, so the common sense, the PRACTICAL common sense is to focus to manifest consequences what will leave this place a bit more better than it was when I have arrived. At least that is my calling for now.
Understanding the code of our minds, words is key, and re-definition of them can literally change the world, our own, and everone’s equally.
Writing about tiredness a bit
I am getting to the point of feeling tired. It’s an interesting experience, because at this point it’s just an experience.
When I have this – oftentimes looking back at the day I have and to consider – how much I’ve done, things happened or just how much time passed since I woke up.
I know that I have quite amount of reserves, proven that many times. Even when ‘burning’ my reserves, there are reserves beyond that. The art is to balance effectiveness without falling into justifications with respecting my body with giving sufficient and enjoyable rest as well.
I particularly pronounce enjoyable rest as it is not something I’d ever considered: how much it feels great to have a good rest.
I can count with one hand how much this year I really-really appreciated a good rest.
When I was driving here to Ireland from Hungary and in the middle rented a room and took a shower, had a dinner and slipped into the bed. That was extraordinary.
The question is why needing to go to the extremes to appreciate the simplest, every day gifts. As they are – many do not have opportunity to have dinner, a freshly made clean and quiet bed. I have it every day.
This is something what everyone should be aware of that partly the global problem is that people do not appreciate the simple things they take granted, how natural it is for them – for us – for me – to feel the right to have proper rest with food in the belly.
When I am very busy, can happen that I forget to eat enough and most late times on the next day I feel weaker and tired, so I need to eat more.
It is something I’ve been considering to write about, sometimes I can have this agitation experience when I suddenly feel hungry and I can’t eat at the moment.
It’s almost like a childhood flashback, mixed up with a slight fear and desperation, anger and becoming jumpy.
What is to realize that we who every day have food and shelter, clear clothes – of what people who are being excluded from these basic things, what they are experiencing. It is excruciating and humiliating, torturing and quite frankly degrading experience.
The desperation and mindset of people who do not have food is something what should never be disregarded, because what I look at this point, honestly, I have a sense that I would do anything in my power to get food if I would be starving. Probably not taking human life, but stealing definitely.
Is this mean that I am a gullible and weak character? Or is it something what people who HAVE do not realize that it is that simple to equalize everyone.
Many would argue that it’s a process to get there in a society wherein everyone have opportunity to get a job if they are willing to work. There are so many factors, health, family, genes, luck, consequences of series of bad decisions, mistakes and misjudgments…
I certainly can’t afford to feed the world, however to deny food from another is something I wish I should never have to face again, but it is unlikely.
Tiredness and desperation is just an experience, yes – for instance as I move myself word by word typing here – I am not tired at all – if I stop and check – yes, I see it and also the next day’s schedule and I need to rest before that. Yet I still manage to finish this writing before that.
It is the sane, practical common sense decisionmaking what supports me the most, to stick to reality awareness, facts and the clarity that everything is fine. Sort of sustainable, for at least in the short and mid-term.
I’ve spent the last decade with starting to really focus on the details of self-introspection with practical common sense and even before that I was already on a journey to learn and expand about myself, life, thus in particular I am not one who would worry too much about life.
The factors resulted me to be able to do is mostly because of a financial security I was sort of entitled to due to my nationality, education and skills, which to many in this world have not access to at all or being denied from; by a consequence they born into.
Why is to take on the ‘sins of our fathers’ commonly accepted? Is it LIFE’s way to say, manifested consequences will always go full circle to be faced and dealt with until transcended in a way what is best for all participants? Looks like, yet the world is still cruel when children are born to these full-blown world-systems of human society, within many deluded with the ideas of freedom, love and compassion, wherein these are only glimpses of possibilities and only few can afford to cling on for a while before they – everyone – die. To continue rolling forward the accumulation of neglecting basic requirements for all equally.
Sigh. It is something what can be changed within an agreement by the majority of the world and monetary system participants quite easily actually, but all the minds are the guards of the current systems, those minds who are the HAVE-s while all the HAVE NOT-s are being considered as opposition and risk to those who have as everyone accept their position in the limited resource competition frenzy hypnosis.
Tiredness of the mind can be seem as real, but there are ways to walk through and live the self-liberation.
One has to walk their own process of self-realization and once starting to walk it – from a point one realizes – it’s not individual, everyone is actually walking everyone’s process in a way, yet responsibility must be owned by each participants to be able to change the course of the whole.
Until that – tiredness and degrading experiences, forward-rolling shitty manifesting consequences is what we accept and allow to become.
Enjoy breath and do every day something to expand, grow, learn, forgive, understand and change within self-honesty – and will accumulate, just as self-trust and integrity!
Enough writing about resistances to writing – it’s about walking through the thing step by step. So. Writing. Today. Again.
Sigh. Lot’s of impressions, let’s prioritize. Had some moments of financial confinements and almost feeling like wanting to do(spend) more that I can and had these impulsions to do buy something what is not practical common sense.
What I did was checking all possible angles and to see if there is another way to reduce the cost and still get what I prefer. There was not. So I did let it go.
Another point is to look at – had to re-assess an other financial point and really assisted me to resolve something I was struggling with in the last week.
The point I was facing relates to a ‘feeling’ – from the past wherein I was able to do something and in this situation does not make much sense, yet I wanted the feeling to be available.
I enjoy letting go ideas and judgements, worries and desires and to see what’s here and trust myself breath by breath.
I also realize that if I do not move and be in and as the physical body – things seem more serious in the mind – thus I also commit myself to move myself, to enjoy myself within those movements, presence and when and as I find myself losing presence, losing breath awareness, losing physical experience, I focus to breathing and moving, expressing and direct living.