Day 406 – Thinking is suppression

img_4549In my last posts I’ve opened up various angles to suppression.

This is a sort of ranting about the topic to bring up more points.

To be honest (great phrase) – every single thought is suppression. We can argue, justify, deny or protect this statement, but the fact is fact.

Of course, definition of LIVING can depend person by person, someone simply define thinKING as truly living – yet that does not make it objectively real.

I used to think a lot. Literally, my childhood was mostly about thinking and although most of the humans like to associate and refer thinking as something great, respectable and rewarding, it’s still a form of self-distraction from what’s here in physical reality.

I used to believe that by thinking I am able to avoid and solve problematic situations, because I am using my past, my memories, my knowledge, my wisdom(lol) to learn from the mistakes, to find and create new possibilities.

Sometimes I could not stop the thoughts, reactions and judgments in my head, especially when I made a mistake, caused a not so great consequence by my definitions. Oftentimes this resulted me to replay the dramatic event/experience in my head many-many times and I was trying to – consciously and sometimes unconsciously – think myself through of that micro-or macro-traumatic memory. Maybe I will understand more of why this happened, or I will be able to overcome my reactions and feeling crap about if if I replay it in my head the 500th time.

The unwanted echoes of my mind are the thoughts I’ve assisted to appear and make an impression on me and the more times I did, the more it was carved into the automatism – programmed to repeat the same patters all over.

What I have not admitted for long-long time was that even though a thought had a feedback, a critique, a reason – I often was just reacting emotionally to it – for instance replaying the event of ‘she said we are done’ – and immediately I was back there, in the cold, alone, with loss and disappointment tuned to the maximum degree.
Just an example – fascinating – looking back – after a crappy day spent like that, waking up in the next morning I was empty, clear – no sadness, no bad mood – but eventually I was triggered to remember, to react again – it’s like I am naturally healed, my mind is now empty when I wake up, but I relapse again.

In this sense it’s interesting play to look at every day as a new life – I am reborn – I go to sleep, I lose my consciousness, I am not here, I am gone. And then waking up and in that moment my mind is empty, I have the opportunity to be here, to look forward, to keep living – and then BAM! – remembering some crap and being triggered to feel bad again.
Then going out, because one still have to get some cash otherwise might not eat soon – and then it’s like a soap opera to maintain sort of effectiveness yet inside flaming this sadness.

Ridiculous – of course, one can justify when someone close dies – I do not say not to cry, not to ‘bury’ and let go – but when one keeps not being able to move on from the past after a while is like stating out: I give up on the future and myself, in the past I had bad stuff, now I am marked, doomed, so I am going to be this sad puppy and it’s a great excuse not to grow, not to be open, not to support anymore.

I hated that feel and overall experience – I want to keep moving forward, having the upper hand on my life, to be optimistic, to still ride the dragon towards the beautiful fulfilling sunset!

I also did not like that when I am emotional, I just disregard logic and common sense. IT DOES NOT MATTER, FUCK YOU! Is what my mind becomes and my effectiveness in reality just drops to close to zero. That’s so compromising, humiliating and degrading state, so I needed something to be able to overcome any emotional overwhelming experience.

TADA! That’s how suppression came for me and then I was this good boy who never cries, who never shows feelings, well I did sometimes, but it’s like 1/100th of what I was within – because to any direction I tried to express myself – BAM! I got some emotional reaction and I felt like I am losing CONTROL.
Control, meaning that having a situation and I am unable to think through, over-analyse to filter out the possible pitfalls, mistakes in advance before acting.

As there is this cute story when the fox wants to borrow a shovel from the rabbit. He walks in the forest and starts thinking – what if the rabbit can’t give the shovel today because he is using it. Hm..What if he lent it to someone else already…Hmmm…what if he just does not trusts me that much…hmmmmm – and when he reaches the Rabbit’s house, he just says: You know, Rabbit, fuck your shovel!

This is my young age in a nutshell. I have missed so much opportunity to express, to learn, to interact, to grow because of this almost paranoid overthinking of everything to try to avoid mistakes and experiences I judged as bad.

Suppressing all the mind-leak of emotional result of those excessive thinkings was not a perfect method. What you suppress, accumulates and will be exerted when it’s too much – not when I want, not how I want – it just BAM! happens.
And eventually will result in doing stupid things which I will again over-analyse, judge, feel bad about, becoming emotional and then suppress again.

These things should be taught in kindergarten and elementary school so then everybody can learn to deal with and solve, not what politician did which law or who won in the battle of 261 BC (I don’t mind if someone wants to research it, just to be mandatory of such things is literally sabotaging life-potentials at early age).

When I finished university, I was mostly the same, just was able to socialize myself to the extent of navigating myself through the system while juggling my mind-emotional-suppression balance so then I could keep falling forward.

What suppression does is literally taking physical life force away as the excessive mind-patterns will suck that out and creating this virtual experience, but the cost is that one gets older, sick, counterproductive and also susceptible for various fallacies and traps one can find within society. Alcohol and drug abuse, toxic relationships, financial struggles, and in general losing one’s true potential in life to celebrate it with giving back to the whole world what we have taken granted as the unconditional support most of us get from our parents, family, nature, etc.

I had glimpses of that this suppression is getting ridiculous, I did dare steps towards change – for instance I was self-defined as really introvert person, what was just insanely great for doing meditation – I was advancing with those practices like a superhero, however, because of the character of my mind, it has been proven to be a two-edged sword: I had experiences and insights during meditations what many only can read within holy books, however when it was about to actually benefit those in reality, I was always fallen behind – so that’s why I started to play against my character.
I was resisting to be social and do something what is really difficult for me – as I always got money by being a computer programmer, just by sitting at the machine, doing the code work, sending it to the system and being rewarded with good money. I liked that but also realized that it’s a trap for me, so for a while I was doing various kinds of jobs, wherein I had to socialize, talk with humans, organize, direct and that was a huge step to face my suppression.
This was around 2004. In two years I felt like I do not need to meditate anymore, I know oneness, I know universal wisdom, yeyeye, I need earthly practice. So I learned music, juggling, travelling(it’s a skill, especially if money is an issue) – and I was able to play along with my suppression.

However the main points remained – to be honest with myself, any time, absolutely was just never possible – there was always a thought process pulling me out from direct responsibility – and if not, worst case, there was the good old shame to mesmerize me to feel bad in order to initiate some sort of attempt to change – until the shame experience was gone, so I could return to the same patterns until the next loop of crappy shame again.

This can easily become someone’s entire life and I consider myself as lucky because I found Desteni support, the community, the interviews, the principles, the tools, the courses and it was and still is the most simplest thing in the world!

But by looking at, interpreting through, trying to process with our mind, thinking, emotions, reactions: it is most likely resisted, rejected and even attacked.

Although it seems simple – it is the most difficult thing anyone can face – because it is about facing, embracing, understanding myself as directly and fully as possible and taking full responsibility for everything I accept and allow.

Simple, because facts, our current experiences, impressions, reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions and actions are here to assist us to understand who I have became – it’s obvious – facts are facts.

Difficult, because to admit, to accept, to acknowledge without judgement of positive or negative, without resisting to see reality as it is – it is challenging, because one might feel that starts with picking up a piece of garbage in the park and ending up considering the future of humanity if continues to consider consequences of our actions.

And in this example: every day I walk through a park – I see this plastic garbage every day and not picking it up. Every day. So I will keep seeing it, accepting it, allowing myself not to take responsibility for it because it’s someone else’s problem, because it’s not my job, someone gets money for that to do, etc – except in that morning alone walking through moment – the opportunity is here – I just push my arm out and lean a bit down and picking it up and throwing into a bin nearby. Not rocket science. What I mean is that as actions accumulate – the lack of action also does.

That’s why, whenever I think about a scenario and trying to comb out bad attempts by judging them as bad – I am not acting, I am suppressing. It’s like seeing a lady every day and thinking about how cool it could be to go out with her for a tea etc, yet never doing it – instead of expressing – suppressing. I wrote about this many times, but doing it again to dig deeper.

Why do I suppress? What do I suppress? What I do not express? Why I do not express that?

It’s not that difficult to ask – then to answer. It’s a skill to be able to answer to myself honestly. Needs practice and self-trust.

That’s why it’s important to not fearing making mistakes – if those are not horrible and capital destruction – to maybe make them – in a way it’s every day mistake when I do not act – so to act and do something silly or not doing it perfectly is fine. Because then I can see my action and consequence – and that’s how I learn. Not by thinking about things based on my memory, definitions and expectations. That’s a trap.

Many do not realize that this seems like a problem only for the introvert and not really living people. To a certain extent they might be extreme. But most of the humans do this – when they are alone maybe, or when they are being in a situation what they do not like or something worrisome – they will think, judge, react and not do!

Whole industries are specialized to these kind of feedings – such as gossip media, about celebrities, so anyone can read up things about those people’s life and can judge them, react to those information and then safely form their opinion about them. Rich people, famous people, powerful people, poor people, stupid people – just to judge and react.

All suppression. Suppressing life potential, suppressing self-honesty and suppressing real change.

I suppress greed and ambition, desire and fear – it’s not a big thing to admit – but as there is the saying: the devil is in the details: I need to know the specifics.

It’s similar when archaeologists dig, or auctioneers research a piece – it’s history, the life of that thing, when, how and why it was created – when I look at a piece of tool from 4 thousand years ago, it’s more value when I can understand the context of that piece – or by looking at a painting of a haystack – how comes that it worth 81 million dollars – without the context it is just a cool painting. But by understanding it’s era, what it represents, who created it and why – it carries a lot of insights.

All my suppression come from not expressing myself naturally and as it grew in my mind, kept being twisted and losing context with livable reality.

Most of my greed and ambition comes from glimpses of my perceived and not yet developed/lived potentials.

Most of my desires come from self-judgements of them and thus myself being bad.

Most of my fears come from my other suppressions kept being accepted and trying to avoid the uncomfortable truth.

I mean we all going to die anyway – yet each of our action and not action accumulates consequence in every moment equally. By looking at life holistically, how much we’ve been given to and how much we’ve given – it’s a closed system – if one is not seeing the nature of existence with equality and oneness, they are delusional – and for a reason!

Every day to discover a little bit more about one’s suppression will also accumulate.

And we have a really great tool to understand suppression: our thinking mind – it will exactly show for what and why do we suppress.

I know, what about the ‘great thinkers’ one might ask?

And many can feel to be threatened by taking away their precious tool to survive in this system by believing that ‘I can’t be in this system without keep thinking!’ – not true!

It’s also possible to utilize the mind – without this reactional, almost involuntary thinking.

I’ve spend quite some years to figure out the answers for the greatest spiritual questions: ‘Where our thoughts are coming from, who we are, where are we coming from and where are we going to?’ – meanwhile I kept suppressing the thoughts I judged as uncool. Keep searching for the big truth out there, meanwhile I have this mind consciousness system located in and as me as this human physical body I try to control, suppress, dominate, abuse and stimulate with thoughts, feelings and emotions.

To understand what it means to let go those stimulation – and not to THINK that without those we are not humans, we are not being able to live and enjoy – is possible. I was able to, many were able to understand with the Desteni tools.

It’s completely different level to think you are versus KNOW you are and be you are.

I must admit, I had a phase when it was difficult to do my daily job without thinking – computer programming, software engineering, managing platform systems – I do not really think much now – as thinking is always limited by the past. One might call this intuitive – I don’t – writing also assists to see things in front of me – and I look, I read, I follow up, I research, I ask and I try things – but it’s not thinking, it’s rather a self-movement. And if it’s not – then I eventually realize it and will re-align from frustration, judgement, polarity to just look at facts and figure out problems and solutions. Same with social interactions. And doing artistic-like expressions – or driving car – making love or planting seeds – literally or indirectly – it’s like a leap of faith in myself to live in this moment directly instead of clinging back to my thoughts to hypnotize me to take sides at uncertain – doubtful – situations.

Many believe that thinking outside the box is the solution, yet not realizing thinking is the box.

It starts with small steps. To just being able to exist for some moments without thoughts is quite liberating.

No need to meditate for hours for a piece of mind, to halt the endless battle of good and evil inside is literally a nirvana. Yet it is just the start.

Thinking also can be re-defined to respect self-honesty, self-expression, self-trust, self-expansion as equal as all life. To see connections without being driven by the process of seeing those connections, without being influenced by information ( am I in formation with what?). Everything is code and thus can be revealed if one follows the words. Every emotion is coded by words, every feeling, every conviction, belief and perception.

Writing words is the most powerful tool to reach that sort of nirvana – but it’s not blissful, neither beautiful, because often truth hurts. But once one starts to express within writing, will experience more clarity and quietness within.
IF the writing is based on self-honesty and eventually self-forgiveness.

It’s like when I dig up an old tool in the yard – it’s dirty, maybe stinky and not pleasant – but I can clean it, repair it – that’s my potential, my inner innocence, my life force what has been suppressed during the indoctrination of this current human system. No one to blame but to see what can be done about it.

Everyone has crap inside and to give a new chance, to forGIVE self is beautiful. Nice, wonderful, glorious, honorable and now I am just playing with words of positive crap so you can check if you react in any way whatsoever to this fun and then expose the automatic mind within, because that might be the director of your life and maybe often it’s doing great but might be some situations where it messes up, and it is you then who have to own it and take responsibility for. Nothing is beautiful without it’s context and it’s kind of subjective, so then worth checking how am I with self-interest versus all life-interest. Am I only this cell, separated from everything and thus being against anything for survival or can I see the equal-ity within all what’s existing?

All I can or should do here now is to take responsibility for my own suppression and self-dishonesty and do something about it instead of this much blabber-mouthing.
See – this might be a judgement – self-judgement is the source of all suppression.
Body awareness is also another key to support oneself within this process, because often it’s not that obvious, because the mind can be so quick or obvious – I literally become it so from that point I do not see it, so I need to have various kinds of support to be able to cross-reference what is real, self-honest and practical common sense.

Further self-forgiveness will commence. It can give more insight, specificity and clarity of(and for) our self-creation.

In the meantime I highly recommend to support oneself with understanding the world through joining the awesome EQAFE existential audiobook library:

Absolutism interviews from eqafe:


Day 405 – Suppression further investigation

IMG_4508Continuing from the last post, where I opened up the suppression point…

Going back in time…

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define emotional experiences as overwhelming and avoidable because of losing the ability for clear logic to apply and within that fearing from manifesting irreversible consequences, meanwhile if am able to keep sliding on the logical thinking, I have a feel of ability to counter-avoid everything I think I would be doing wrong, and within that developing a phobia of making mistakes in general and within that not seeing/realizing and understanding that this rendered me action+less and more suppressing, instead of to dare trying, making mistakes, learning from them.
  • I forgive myself that I have defined myself and my actions to be good or bad based on the self-definition preferences personality system I’ve defined as who I am and within that trying to never risk and step out from my character in order to minimize the negative judgments coming up automatically in my head about what’s good or bad.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy being in control within my mind and reactions, so to use suppressing, muting, over-dominating thoughts, feelings and emotions within me, I became accustomed to strive for the perfect balance within me and only coming out from this behavior when feeling confident and whenever doing something not perfect, defining it as not good enough.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the extent of clinging to morality, even though defining morality as limitation and imprint from the system and finding it not to be influencing to me, in fact sometimes giving into the worry of other people’s judgments, what are actually the projections of my own judgments, justified by memories and within this not realizing that morality is only existing because there is no self-honesty, yet people do not want to feel bad about that, so they follow rules in order to make-believe that they are good.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized how blinding I have became with the morality projected out to other people, especially can be easily caught when someone is acting differently what is ‘normal’ and within that automatically judging the person and defining how relatable/cool/attractive/good they are and within that not realizing that it is also for hunting positive feedback, then turning them to self-judgments for my interest.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized how I am suppressing during an ordinary normal day, wherein I wake up, go to bathroom, having breakfast and going out for work or to meet someone or get or do something and within my moments not being aware of how much I communicate with myself.

Self-communication vs self-suppression

Looks like communicating with myself is being suppressed, and thus my actions also becoming suppressed.

  • I commit myself to establish self-agreement with myself to not only acknowledge and admit but to embrace who I am today, what I do, how and why and within that staying, resting, standing as my home and trusting myself that I can be-come absolute self-honest without any judgement or suppression.
  • I commit myself to express instead of suppress – meaning to open up, initiate conversations, move, show and do things without fear of failure, fear of judgement and fear of loss.
  • I commit myself to discover each moments within my living wherein I participate in suppression and to understand why I not express and to figure out how to express and what to express.
  • I commit myself to stop using my thoughts, feelings and emotions as those are results and seeds of suppression, meanwhile expression, movement, direction, clarity, planning, organizing, enjoying are seeds for further and more free expression.
  • I commit myself to balance myself out to not be needed an energetic mind consciousness system within me to balance me out with thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories and reactions. I become the physical expression of who I am as life directly.
    I learn to live with a dark and empty mind wherein I do not need to think to know, where I do not need to become emotional to feel and no need to have feelings in order to love, because actions speak louder than the mind.

Day 404 – Suppression to understand

IMG_3071My last post was not well structured, so it’s time to continue with self-forgiveness to see things more clearly

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to control breathing of my physical body in order to balance the overall experience of myself here and within that not realizing that while I believe that I am now stopping the mind, what actually happens is that my starting point is still in and as the mind, meanwhile sometimes when being overwhelmed and losing control, stability and ability to enjoy things, others, myself – then I utilize the breathing to pacify the waves what I’ve created with my thoughts, feelings and emotions and only doing it until I am experiencing this control-stability again, but eventually again returning to the reactive mind activities, thus not really changing, not really realizing, forgiving myself or stopping the mind.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being honest with myself how I utilize breathing as a separate tool only for stabilizing myself yet not cross-referencing, clearly seeing the extent of self-dishonesty within this application as only applying breathing momentarily to stabilize myself, instead of developing a discipline of being able to be vigilant and disciplined to completely re-align with the starting point and not the mind be the starting point but the physical direct living here.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that me breathing as controlling the lungs, muscles, blow in and out air is not natural breathing, it’s rather a thought-process directed to mechanically controlling the breathing process and in those ‘returning to breathing’ I need to be able to see what caused me to call this breath-thought and why, what was going on in my mind before calling that, and that whole situation, context, experience I have to be able to understand to find the self-dishonesty, not just breathe whenever it feels difficulty what I can escape from with buying time from my own mind.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the importance of accepting myself here without fearing of judgement of myself or others and within doing so I am not seeing that I refuse to see reality, because I am busy perceiving and interacting with reality through my judgments and trying to avoid to trigger my negative emotions and trying to trigger my positive feelings and thus having difficulty to fully understand what is the situation here, clearly, exactly, thus causing any proposed solution to be matching reality, therefore having difficulty with real change.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to try to be harsh and judgmental about myself for the sake of energetic experience what might seem to boost my passion for change, yet as it’s energy-based – with that energy boost I might be able to change a point within myself, what causes that type of energy to accumulate in the first place, but then once the energy is gone, there is nothing to prevent myself to go into that same pattern again – thus creating this cycle of walking a lot meanwhile not really moving ahead at all.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself to see that what I suppress is because I judge as bad, nasty, selfish, and thus not wanting to see these within me, and as not seeing them, not really investing to solve or prevent those, but in the background of my mind, they accumulate and when reaching a certain energy level, they just resonate within me so much that creating a point wherein I do those things what I suppress, and because of judging them as bad, I will suppress them and within that believing that I am transcending – until the next time they come out – and not realizing that what I also can do is to sit down with myself and ask – what’s this desire, want about this point I judge as bad – what do I really and truly desire here and what I actually do, and what is the reason that I judge as bad. Within that to realize – because I do not do those things as I really would, but kind of substituting with something I am aware of being self-dishonesty – the whole dynamics of this I judge as bad, and in the end I judge my actions, and becoming overwhelmed and distracted with the experience of judging myself, instead of the possible solution.

And those self-misunderstandings are not rocket-science – let’s say to be able to see energetic dynamic from suppression to obsession and potential energetic possession can manifest as suppressed sexual desire by self-judgement can accumulate to a mind state of becoming obsessed to get sex(ual experience)  once or twice a month and then judging myself for that, instead of looking at it holistically so to speak and acknowledge self-communication with clarity to recognize: it’s ok to have sex, so why not to do it? And from that moment anytime judging myself – to see if this is honest feedback and then I might am going too wild with this point and it’s time to evaluate if still am I honest with myself here and re-align accordingly.
Another example can be like when I wish for a cake and say to myself – no, I can’t have this now, too much sugar recently – or I am exercising or I am sick now, whatever reason today no to simply fall into such impulsive desire – and I if I love cakes and that seems relevant to who I perceive myself to be, then I can say NO for only so long, and eventually I might end up just eating five cakes at once, which might be more worse than  just having a bite here and there from time to time and just enjoy it fully.

So to judge stuff as bad can result in this police mind, saying – NO, back to your jail! And then the prisoner might escapes from time to time wherein I am just driven by it for a while, I am not in direction, but my suppressed aspect catching up – so then next time not to be the policeman and the judge but to support myself with self-forgiveness and actionable plan to change.

That’s why it is crucial to open up points within self, from past, wording out and bringing those here – might not feel wonderful, but it’s just there is no other way to face and truly change.

Another example suppressing financial struggles manifesting me to become less responsible with spending because if I am constantly reactive and worried about my lack of financial stability – making me emotionally and mentally less stable and more vulnerable to impulsive or irresponsible spending.

Or without the ‘financial struggle not cool’ feel, I am spending and eventually that not cool feel will return and that is how my life’s financial aspect is being in equilibrium – fear for survival will make me spending less.

Not being clear on why and what I want money for specifically also fogs out the direct goal to reach thus when temptation comes, there is no specific point to bring up as common sense, therefore the whole ‘lack of money’ thing is just an other con within me, being part of the big dynamic of how my mind finds its balance across all of my every day living. And the mind in balance is not a bad thing, when people force themselves to shatter that balance with alcohol or drugs for instance – it can become madness and insanity for sure if the person can’t find their balance back soon, they can render incapable of staying effective in the system.

That’s why it is crucial to work progressively with the mind and oneself, not with rocket launcher, but with writing one word at a time. Knowing is useless until it’s being used, so even the greatest revelation will not mean anything if I do not apply it to my own life.
Ok, so in this moment I had a breath out sigh, type of bringing myself back here.
What also can happen is that before applying breathing, I am finding out where is the body at – in terms of do it needs to breathe in or out, is there air in my lungs, or is it empty – and that kind of ‘processing’ – makes the whole ‘stepping out of the mind’ kind of strange, because I am not even aware of where is my breath literally and when I reach for the breath from the mind – I NEED EXIT A.S.A.P. and those extra moments to figure out how to CONTROL my breath are very revealing to how wrongly I approach this breathe thing since long decades.

It’s a kind of pattern what I’ve developed during my spiritual practices, when I was doing zen meditation and all I wanted was to quiet my mind, to smoothen the surface of my mind-lake and whenever something came up – I just pushed it back underwater and said – QUIET!

After a while it was really difficult to keep all in one place because what happens is that I am with myself, opening up myself and I want QUIET – meanwhile this is a moment with myself, so things will pop up in my mind, what I forgot before, what I haven’t dealt with, what I am worried about, what I desire, all the things I’ve put into my mind, meaning what I think or feel about. Everything is here with me and they usually pop up automatically, but when I am in this DISCIPLINE MODE – I want nothing, but discipline.
What I do is basically perfecting suppression with the meditation. Note: it can be perfected in terms of becoming this mind-samurai, and anytime one can just switch out from the patterns into this clear space of mind – seems very cool. HOWEVER this will not solve anything.

I see I am still doing this, instead of wording down issues within me – it’s tough – because once I honestly admit and write down everything as they are – then there is no more distraction, escape, procrastination or diversion – in front of me written how much I compromise myself with suppression. So then the quest I should be on to find the answer to the WHY.
Why I suppress, do I not believe in myself that I can do this? Why I can’t trust myself on this matter, what is the justification for not wanting to do what I need to do in order to get something?

It all leads back to the delusion definition of freedom – to believe that I am more free if I can use my mind to experience things differently than they are – it’s not freedom – it’s a misunderstanding. Because I am not free by doing this, it’s quite the opposite.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe freedom to be to be able to avoid, experience, understand, suppress, procrastinate and deny facts here, meanwhile the true freedom is when I am being able to be aware of all what is here, because whenever I am not aware of something, it indirectly or directly makes me enslaved to it by my starting point of believing not needing to take responsibility for that point I want to elude from, meanwhile the solution is in the WHY I want to elude it.

These points are outflows of working on my assignment to Desteni I Process – wherein investigating the words I live and to see how can I re-define them in order to prevent fear, polarity, self-interest. It is simply put literally a life-saving course. Noone really knows how lost they are until they start walking this course and how structured one can become with consistent application of writing, self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-corrective statements, so then in real time to be able to make a difference. Even if it’s about forgetting watering my plant or how to approach society, the world system.
That’s why does not make any sense to jump into world-changing meanwhile I have not yet walked myself to change before – because that means I have no idea how to deal with my weaknesses, I might not even know what those are and like that engaging with great world systems, corporations, law, money, politics – it’s really easy to make mistakes there with a delusional mind.
I had this strong impulse to add to the world change somehow in my life, need to save everyone and had to slow down and to understand that I have to save myself first. And although I would LOVE to work with world system, finance, education – there is still so much things to correct within myself.

This was difficult to admit, after walking process(of desteni-supported self-change), although it’s not like a workplace where after years one is being promoted to be more senior position, like as from internal now should be time to work the external. Rather to realize – the two are the same, but the only thing what balances it out is practical common sense.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define to be difficult to truly, directly admit and embrace, discover and research facts about how I behave, who I am, and what I am doing in my life every day, in cycles of days, weeks, months and years and to be able to NOT judge myself, just observing objectively, and not considering what it takes to be able to do that.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that suppression is a good tool within my disposal to be able to feel and do better, because of it’s addictive experience of clearness, clarity and unshaken stability, as whenever I would go into an emotional reaction, I just suppress, and after a moment, I am here, clear again – almost like as I say my mind is a lake, and even if I throw in a car – it will just sink in a moment and the surface will be clear – however that sunken car is in the water, all the things in it will leak, like the oil, petrol will just spread in the whole lake and becoming contaminated, until I will not take the effort to lift out that car and deal with it on the surface, such as taking it to junkyard, disassemble and recycle, so then the lake can start healing – meaning instead of suppressing things, actions, reactions within me it with judgement – to be able to notify, understand, yet not judge, not react, not categorizing – yet still trusting myself that I can see that this is not acceptable in the long term to sort it out, solve it.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and worry about if I fully embrace myself who I am, I would accept myself with my flaws, self-dishonesty, weaknesses and then I would be alright to live like that, and that would make me feel as given up and lost and within that fear, actually not realizing that with the cycle of suppression, as I am not truly changing or solving – it is literally what I am manifesting currently – not changing, but only making myself not to experience what I want to change or perfect until it just grows on me and will take over me to show me that it’s still there – and then if I suppress it again – I will not see it, thus I will not see the need to solving it, therefore to be able to see how the suppression happens, when, how is crucial, even if it means less balance or stability for a moment, as I trust myself that I am going to deal with this.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to look at stability and balance as something I have to create, maintain and control, instead of looking at things what challenge and I accept to sabotage my natural balance and stability by seeing the points of reactions, judgments, doubts, desires and fears, such as sexual and monetary insecurities.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that suppression is something I have to work every day with, actively, with structured application of writing, opening up, planning on solutions and cross-reference it’s progress, otherwise I will not directly see how or when I suppress.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for desires because defining them not too high level or inferior, selfish or addictive, and not realizing that the things I can do are not the problem, but how I approach them and how I accept to relate within me is the source of not being the best possible way on living – and not realizing that having sex or money is not wrong at all, although as I have defined myself that I am more than desiring those, I want to be not dependent to those, I want to be free of those made me believe that I can pretend not needing them, and whenever I have experience of desire for or fear of not having – I simply suppress that experience and keep maintaining the ‘not caring about this’ experience.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the actual enjoyment to challenge myself to see all my desires as they are and within that to see that the problem is only because of how I compress self-dishonesty into solidity by accumulation thus becoming part of my self-definition, instead of being honest with myself that – Okay, I need more money, I want a house, what I have to do that for, okay, not to but expensive cameras for 3 years.
    (not that by the price of 3 cameras I could buy a house, but in a way, for the price of ten maybe).
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fixate my desires to the perfect imaginable situation and whenever there is opportunity to reach the initial desire of mine, to compare it with the desired imagination and not being that perfect, resulting in comparison, judgement and refusal, however it might be just I am deluded to see what potential is actually here by the absolutism possession in my mind.
    (such as I want a house in nature, near river, forest and animals, with fast internet, etc – it is expensive – and I might have to start somewhere more realistic, to get one what is affordable, thus creating further financial stability first, then move forward from there)

So what seems like I have big plans, desires, but the actual get to there is not tangible, rather being a source of frustration.
That also causes tendency to suppression.

And whenever these patterns step forward or I am a bit more aware of them, there is also shame of self-judgement, which is really not supporting.

But in a way it is mirroring what’s happening – I judge myself, I feel bad, because I do not really change, and although I do select what facts I want to see when about who I am – about not changing I see the fact as it is and that gives weight to this feeling bad about myself in comparison to potentials.

This shame is quite rare within me, but when it’s here, it’s kind of revealing the whole general mindset.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of not doing more than now as I see potential to do more but not being very specific in terms of what I am ashamed of and what I actually can do more or differently, and within that to realize this is just an other trap in my mind to run it’s cycles of energy reaction/accumulation/discharge and within that flow, experience movement with energy, and to define that as real movement.

I had eczema on my chest some weeks ago and Mike mentioned points I wrote here now that these can support eczema. And I decided not to worry about money anymore and got some good creme to care for the skin spot. It kind of disappeared, but as I am now writing, bringing up these points, my chest is itchy, as indicating(I think) that I am touching the same point and as things come to surface, still not yet solved, but first have to bring everything here so then no need thinking, feeling, reacting to be able to experience these – then I am able to see what’s necessary to be done.

For instance about money point – to agree with myself on what I can buy and when – for someone this is easy, for me as I always had easy salary since finishing university – my pattern is that no need to put aside money, each month I get a lot until I am working – but that is kind of limiting – because I can’t buy more than my salary and I am destined to always work in this way. Which, of course I have judgement of not being good about and by time it also accumulates into being discontent, what I also can just suppress for a while.

So this post is quite eclectic, opening up points and applying self-forgiveness at the same time but in general this is way far from being fully revealed or being done.

What also matters is to rather focus to consistent walk, multiple times a week to write and share about this, instead of now trying to break the iceberg with one go. As it’s not really doable anyway, especially as these points within me are present in every day living, thus needs to be worked with in real time.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the opportunity to write every day and within that not just writing, but utilizing to a specific point within my life, such as suppressing financial-related reactions and disciplining myself to spend more responsibly. Or working with sexual energy in current situation not having a partner and prevent falling into temptation for objectifying, suppressing or exerting something what can be completely normally expressed and enjoyed without a judgement.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that suppressing breathing here is a sign of suppressing energetic experiences of judgments within myself and accumulating into instability and emotional compromise, lack of vision, direction and general awareness of what’s happening here in reality, thus I commit myself to work with suppression, reveal my suppression trigger points, reasons and justifications in order to prevent myself falling into denial of what’s here within me in relation to the points I want to be better with.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that mind-energy experience is like sugar, it’s whoosh creating a big wave within me, but it tolls my phywsical body, it’s stability, it’s capability to deal with reality.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from losing control, to fear from being exposed who I am without suppression and fear of being judged by myself and others and wanting to be accepted and loved by others because I do not accept and love myself unconditionally at all times, and not realizing that it’s tangible and doable to love and accept myself with walking the points of self-dishonesty specifically to change with application and living of self-forgiveness.

to be continued with further investigation of suppression.

I suggest to listen EQAFE – it’s exceptional support. For instance I’ve listened this:

Quantum systemization of the mind and physical

Day 403 – Self-compromises

IMG_3047I’ve been looking my breathing application recently and what I have found is that there are still a lot of thinking and processing going through in my mind while evaluating how to breathe properly.

Oftentimes I have a quick realization of ‘I am in the mind totally, what’s up with reality?’ – and then I try to utilize breathing to ‘come back here’.
Almost like trying to use breathing as a valve to push myself out from the mind-activities, but from where it starts, it is kind of the mind, thus being influenced by it’s limited awareness. Well, my limited awareness as the mind is kind of a systematic manifestation of myself – locks in as a mirror of self-limitation. It can be a great tool, but the popular application of the human mind is to hide and separate, justify and blame mostly.

It’s kind of natural that I have to wake up in the mind first then to start accumulating consequences to spend less and less time in the mind as walking through the mind-constructs, self-dishonesties one by one, so then becoming aware of the physical body, presence and thus facts.

However what can compromise this process if there is anything programmed, sort of infested with the basic application of how to bring myself back here from constant chase of thoughts, feelings, emotions, comparisons, judgments, categories, memories, desires and worries. They can be really overwhelming, especially when not just about to act against one of those, to re-balance – for instance when I am really annoyed about something, so then deciding to just ignore, avoid, suppress, justify it and voila: seems solved for the moment. But eventually will return – in different scenario, because I never solved it in the first place, just postponed facing it.
Which might be okay if I am working with a specific point or dimension and not want to get sidelined, distracted.

What can happen with me – well what I can allow to manifest is that I have about 5 points I am ‘working on’ – and for the sake of progress – movement – I taste each of those problems a bit and do something about it – and when it starts to become this big serious point ahead of me, I feel overwhelmed and need to let it go, so then it is very specific to get tempted to get distracted by an another serious point what I also need to solve/stop/transcend/change.

In a way, all of my self-dishonesty points are intertwined, so might make sense to just explore and follow the white rabbit wherever it leads me to, but the fact is that there is a LOT of points what definitely could and should need a self-honest review and rel-alignment. However what’s practical is to grab a point and not to release until it’s clear, until I am honestly satisfied with the change I am applying consistently.

It is describing me a bit too in terms of hobbies and general activities – to have a great idea seems easy to me however to finish things, because it’s so easy to find something new and fascinating, it also becomes this overwhelming experience at the points of facing challenges and resistances.

Through objective eyes it seems like I have not yet decided what direction I commit myself to walk towards – so I had to make some self-agreements about how I approach specific things and points.

For instance making/playing music was always present since about 2004 – even when I was only focusing to filming and cameras for some years – and now finally learning it properly with well educated teacher and this seriousness almost feels like I should prioritize this hobby more than a hobby – so what I see is that the decision and investment of time and effort also can influence me on how much time I should spend with this.

There was a kind of uncertainty popping up the last week – I spent it alone and was fascinating to recognize the attention diversion from Process – meaning not just listening one or two EQAFE interviews – and it is one of the best thing on this planet I truly am certain about – to listen EQAFE support about a zillion topics – but to actually substantiate that insight, realization I see with the support of a specific EQAFE interview – that takes more than just an AHA! but needs to sit down, write out points, relate, cross-reference, walk the self-forgiveness to fully understand the thought-emotional-action-body-mind dynamics and then to be able to find practical ways to start accumulate into real change.

In the last month I’ve pushed myself a bit too much on physical and mental level and the exhaustion suggested more chill for sure, but in the meantime what kept going on within me is this restlessness as in a way still struggling in the middle of two worlds colliding – the actual reality and how I want to feel – and what I can experience is that if any of these I take into full view, I get reactive.

Far fetched but a memory – my father when I was a child got mental problems, he was alcoholic(whatever it means, fact was he was drinking a lot alone and seemed like this he liked to do quite often) and my parents got divorced and he moved to live alone at the edge of our small village. That made him more alone with his issues I think and one of the main points he was missing to see was that he did not admit that he is now in this category of being alcoholic, what needs support and some sort of change for solution. He did not admit that, he said he has no problems, all is great, while he was losing kind of everything.

To really accept what is going on in my life, not just the world, wars, famine and annihilation – that is really tough, I mean not just read articles and see some brutal videos – but to really grasp the level of suffering being brought here every day – that is literally heartbreaking and there are many people who get hooked on that and constantly explores the new ways of fuckedup-ness and they get angry, sad — or the other type of people who just ignore shit in the world until it’s at their doorstep because they admit that it’s too much and if they would see more, they would get influenced, and becoming unstable, literally would not being able to enjoy their life.

So delusion is here, ignorance(interestingly this word in my language literally called: not knowing) – ignoring to know what is really going on.

What I mean here is about myself, my life, here, every day – it’s fine if someone is educated about the world, but might be a distraction from self here.

After some years walking this process – basically consistently falling into self-dishonest action, trying to understand it, stopping, forgiving, figuring out how to change and prevent happening again and then seeing another point, issue, overreaction, resistance, superiority, inferiority, etc – I see that the major points within me are still here – it’s almost like bipolar now – I am cool, clear, directive, present – or I am just fallen into some pattern and acting it out until there is energy for it – what I have accumulated through my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

It’s like an engine, a drive, a power plant – a little system within me and every time I have doubt, not being sure, not trusting myself 100% – how I am doing in the world as the world as equal as one with me – I break the harmony with my mind – if you are able to see this, you are doing awesome – that the moment here is just very continuous and when you experience thinking – it happens – in that thinking moment you are dropping the continuity of that moment. It’s like asking for intervention, wanting to hear some help to make me understand, make me feel smarter, safer, cooler, better.

And each time I think, energy moves across the body and the mind and this is where breath can assist as it is purely physical, I do not give attention to thoughts, emotions – I simply breathe, being physical, embrace what is here, total acceptance of facts.

This is often being perceived to giving up, like accepting this crappy world, myself and then the fear can arise that if I will truly accept myself as I am, what if I will be okay with it, but in general, I already see that there are not cool things within me.

And this fear of defeat can sabotage to see things as they are.
Especially when someone can get overwhelmed by tough things, for instance in my past one time I did hit my dog with a stick because I lost it, I was frustrated and angry and I had the power to do it – and it was so wrong, immediately after the deed, I was tainted with this for many years.

So many bad(let’s say: not optimal) things we have done and the only way forward is self-forgiveness – we can’t wait for some shady divine indoctrination to give us the forgiveness for what we accepted and allowed to do and become, we must take full responsibility to stand up.

I’ve noticed that when I reach the critical pressure point, I start ‘breathing’ – meaning literally taking over from my body and start blowing air out and then breathe in, almost like a machine and just slowing down within, calming too and how I utilize this technique when facing the world, myself and starting to get overwhelmed. There is still thinking behind it and that’s why it’s not fully effective. So this time looking at why I accept being a bio robot.

Walking self-forgiveness and further investigation in the next post .

Day 402 – Back to Basics is grand


  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my physical body as a vessel, a tool, a device for placement of my mind consciousness system and not considering IT to be ME as equal as one – in any and all moments consistently.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the tension I make my human physical body carry through my mind’s activities such as worry, anxiety, judgments, desires and procrastination and not seeing the doable solution to understand the source points of those reactions, thought patterns, their trigger points and within each to become aware of the give up, defeat, powerlessness and justification pattern and write what to DO to prevent to fall into those patterns.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only relevant pattern, equation, science what I really need for change, improvement, expansion and power is to truly grasp what it means the 1+1=2 – as within it to see/realize/understand the real power in creation and existence is within accumulation – and thus to realize – what I sow is what I reap – thus to make sure that what I participate within – I am aware of it’s consequence – speaking of my own mind and through that all my interaction in this world.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I am resisting to develop consistency toward accumulation through considered actions, I am accepting my self-limitation and thus I have to investigate why I do that and what is the thought-pattern, self-definition, the emotional reaction I maintain and re-create in that specific situation – thus being able to see the pattern before I am going to be participating within.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that to be able to see a pattern before participating within it requires further understanding which I have to embark onto a journey to discover, which means series of directed actions, such as self-investigative writing, decomposing thought-patterns, opening up old memories so then in the moment I do not have to think of why and what I feel or should do – thus I do not ‘Think who I am, but Knowing who I am’ – and within this practical knowledge is when I do not think in real time, but acting immediately.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to slow down to the degree of being able to see my mind, my thoughts, and justifying it by ‘I need to work’, ‘There is no time for this’ or ‘this is stupid, I just can think myself outside of the BOX and not realizing, THINKING IS THE BOX’ – thus to become honest with myself that whenever I think, involuntarily – it is not me thinking, but my pre-programmed mind puts me into a situation it sees to fit, regardless of is it the best possible way or not, is it the possibly best for me and others, all life or not – and I am the only one who can deprogram it and give it a change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I need to re-start process, BACK TO BASICS, and it is not to be judged, but to be honest with myself and no matter why, or how many times, but if I am slipping from the principled living, to get back to the beginning and start over with the most obvious points, things to write, forgive myself and start self-correcting.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start becoming aware of a pattern and let it go and give it away within thinking or judging that it is now better, fine and get distracted by other points, other reactions, and not realizing that I did not walk this point to the utmost specificity and manifested yet into real, consistent and measurable change.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself, my behavior, my thinking, my desires, my suppression, my reactions, my body, my visual representation, my habits, my taste for things and get distracted and mesmerized by the polarity system with self-definition of positive and negative reactions and not seeing the actual addiction to this energetic reactions, positive feelings or negative emotions, and within that to see that my mind is a self-balancing energetic parasite living off my human life force as the physical body, as the equal and one aspect with all of existence and within that to realize the ridiculousness, limiting and degenerative nature of the mind consciousness system each human accepts themselves to exist through and within.
  • I forgive myself that I have lost the consistent awareness of ‘each and every single human being is equally responsible for the current state of this earth’ and fall into the games of my mind instead of keeping real, present and directive each day, accumulating expansion, awareness and practical change through applying radical self-honesty, self-forgiveness, self-corrective and self-commitment statements to assist and support myself into actual and real physical change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as breath as me, as moment as me.

This is crucial for me, I repeat to write it down.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as breath as me, as moment as me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a way what is not the utmost potential of who I am as life and within that not being absolutely detail-oriented and specific and thus allowing the tendency to generalize, judge and react, instead of keeping it practical, real and doable.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider myself to be equal and one with my human physical body and judging it, reacting to it, and handling it’s weaknesses as something to hate, get pissed off about and not realizing the mirror what it holds to who I accept myself to be as beingness, as the representative and the earth ambassador of Life who I am, just as everyone and everybody else equally as one.

Enjoy EQAFE:

Day 401 – Spontaneous organic robot to fix

IMG_3116There is no particular topic I sit down to write with. Oftentimes this observation can result to not to write at all.

Let’s say generic observations in regarding to change.

Immediately I got a yawn – not that I am tired or sleepy. It’s the mind’s vocabulary to tell – let’s just shut down, this is not priority.

Self-introspection and questioning usually results with resistance and excuses.

Today I was at my piano class. I was playing a song at some point which I work with and the teacher was busy photocopying more scores some meters away.
I was playing the song and in fact almost was perfect, skipped one D note to play with my right hand.
Then she asked to re-play that line and I kept making more mistakes, including that one.
I was overwhelmed – not really – but in a sneaky way – I felt so close, was also excited that almost played it well, yet did not.
The more I restarted, the more I made mistakes, and eventually had to slow down and decompose to play it bar by bar with the specific hand skipping the note.
I got uncertain that this was ‘programmed’ in a wrong way to play as really had to take it apart for me to ‘find’ the missing point.

It was an interesting realization – I obviously understood that I skipped that note to play, also was able to hear it’s absence, but when I was playing, felt like I am on a train ride and I had to look to a lot of things, the note, look ahead, left hand, right hand, tempo, so my ‘correction awareness’ for that particular mistake was simply not enough to overwrite the point at I was making the mistake.

It was just fascinating to realize that this is a simple point – everyone faces of such all the time – and yet how much it relates to the overall aspect of the human mind in general.

Eventually I had to play the notes with 1/4 tempo a couple of times while ‘rewriting’ that part in my mind and hand memory where I forgot to hit the D key with the right when playing G with the left.

Then I was able to play it correctly, yet in a way I got into this uncertain vibe so then I got stumbled after that part. I had to do the whole flow again a couple of times until I was able to play it and eventually the session ended without playing it perfectly – so it became homework.

I also noticed, with the parts I play good, I have the tendency to want to play it faster – and the parts I struggle with, I still have this slight belief that I should keep it trying to play faster to ‘break through’ – as if I can play it fast, it means I know it. Probably that’s how I learned it with that mentioned mistake in the first place.

The experience and judgement of velocity has this stimulating reaction, feels like more than it is and can cloud awareness of facts and practical common sense. In a way it’s energetic addiction and it can be very subconscious or pretty dominant.

Also learned the lesson that if I make a mistake here – does not mean I should judge myself that I will not do good then – it’s like this polarity-based confidence, if I lose point, I have to gain it to recover it, like in a computer game. And of course it’s not that I want to be this way, it’s just at the moment who I am existing as.
Sometimes it’s enough to see a pattern to not fall under it’s spell again, sometimes I have to slow down and re-write, re-define in real time action the movement to re-train myself. And also can happen that I have to actively investigate, question and answer myself, write, break it down to multiple sessions, dig further, walk through points and understanding, structuring, planning and re-defining words, relationships and starting points.

I learn music because it’s very cool, but also it’s a form of applied self-expansion.

So much we can learn about ourselves, the mind, the human nature within literally anything – learning music, driving car, doing sports, cooking – if we put the awareness and self-honesty into practical application with the discipline for self-correction.

For instance, there is a lot of automatic behavior within me what work similarly – I apply the pattern automatically and sometimes immediately seeing that this was not the best approach.

For instance I saw a lady who I liked – when she was approaching, I wanted to express that I am kind of perceiving her as cool, yet when I was talking, sounded like I am applying stupid pickup lines. Not that I wanted that – but in a way I got into this strange vibe and felt a bit uncertain, maybe awkward, and from that this just came and I was mildly annoyed by my automatic behavior. In a way usually I trust my automatic self – not that I trust myself being robot – automatic: let’s say trusting myself in the moment, spontaneity.

But when there are patterns, issues from past, old scars, not self-forgiven aspects of judgements, worries – it can be automatically triggered and can slightly alter the mood of my mind, the attitude, this ‘self-trusting automatic presence-spontaenity’ – and all of a sudden – I do stuff I do not like.

Then it’s important not to judge myself, that ‘bad dog, stupid feckin pendejo’ – but to see what was going on within in the moment – because it’s not magic – there is always a story behind these mind-slips – what has to be brought in front of me, with empty mind – to see facts, cause and effect and make a responsible decision on how to proceed from now on.

I used to develop convictions and belief systems to overcome my impusive self-doubt – and it is unpredictable and does not support consistent stability, neither actual confidence without compromising effectiveness or real integrity.

So I had to break down what was going on within me when I was saying things I did not want – and turned out to be a gift to realize that I was experiencing desire, inferiority and hope, giving up and self-sabotage at the same time and that was exactly what I sounded like.

So next time this happens – I will be more aware of this tendency from the past and I can slow down, recognize the pattern and make a difference.

But for that I really needed to stop for a moment to really investigate, not punish myself.

These are little moments in life wherein one can live self-honesty and accumulate towards what is best for all – which includes self in a practical approach.

For that writing is essential – so everyone, anyone reading this – if there is resistance to write – it’s a clear sign that the excuse and justification, resistance and in a way giving up is on the dominant side at the moment and just for the sake of self-challenge – it is worth to write to see what’s going on.

Of course – it’s also supportive to dance, to carve an ice statue or lift heavy metal in the gym for hours to have a moment with self – but the most practical and direct way is through words – so if there is no effective and direct change – one has to question – am I really willing to and investing into betterment or not and if not – why am I accepting myself like this?

Many simply are confident that their thinking is so crystal clear, they do not need to write, they just can think themselves out from any uncertain or doubtful, troubled or problematic state – but the fact is that thinking outside of the box is still thinking – just in a bigger box.

Real change is not thinking, one can be the biggest thin king in the mind, it is still just in the head and if there is ANYTHING biased by ANY belief, fear or conviction – that thinking will be waaaaaay far from reality, facts and ‘actual truth’, thus it will not really help, even when it feels like.

We all can find or observe people who are totally crazy in the news, in public, family etc – and its so obvious for us that they got it all wrong – yet they can’t see, because they did not yet give the time and effort to slow down and investigate themselves, cross-reference their perception with facts and make the self-honest responsible action to re-align and change attitude, behavior and starting point. So that also can happen with anyone – and arises the question – am I not realizing something obvious? Do I want to? Why don’t I?

Many seem like their life is of an organic robot – day by day going on the same train ride what seems like normal and as who we are – but there are moments for slowing down and question – to letting go the indulgence to consistent self-stimulation and hunt for positive can result to breaking through into a wider perspective of creativity, freedom and responsibility what then obviously will be worthy.

I do work for big corporation (again) and often people seem so ingrained and accepting there that they do not realize their criticism is not real anymore but it’s a normally accepted moody dissatisfaction and giving up in the fear from imagined worse – and it’s always great to do the leap of faith if it’s common sense – to ask for or just do and be the change – starting with self-introspection and questioning, challenging, decomposing, forgiving and re-defining ourselves, word by word. Especially rewarding when we do not realize what’s common sense to go to a journey and find out. Just like this blog and it’s writer aims towards – write yourself to freedom!

There is always support, with the internet, it’s just one chat away, it’s okay to ask.

So that’s it about this spontaneous writing for today, enjoy breath and take care.

(featured picture is from an amazing forest in Kismaros, Hungary, 2014)

Day 400 – Relax balanced discipline

IMG_0538With the DIP PRO online course I am walking re-defining of specific words what are relevant to live the change I structure myself to manifest in regarding to several scenarios and situations in my life. Through walking the actual physical timelines of those selected past events I acclaim further understanding of what was happening under my conscious mind, the pre-programming, the beliefs, hopes and delusions as well.

This is the habit of a modern man in my eyes, saying ‘modern’ not as technologically advanced or actually related to the ages we live in, but rather the utilization of writing, self-honesty and the actual awareness accumulation with applying self-forgiveness. It is essentially crucial to self-investigate, self-introspect, because if we do not slow down, mirror ourselves back through investigating the words and their relationships we participate within, when not cross-referencing with reality and facts – we are basically too vulnerable for mind-control from all angles within society, including our ourselves. Everyone has weaknesses and strengths, but to know thyself is not happening automatically, only with disciplined and consistent application of tools, such as the mentioned DIP PRO course, or it’s predecessor, the DIP LITE.

Often finding interesting polarities, such as one recent, discipline versus relaxation. The belief and definition I found within myself is that discipline is like a laser focus, it is high-intensity and an all or nothing-type of switch, one what would imagine a samurai warrior to be within a sword fight when life is at stake.
I am always fascinated by discipline, finding it to be very important ‘to be good at’ – as it is what can elevate me from ordinary to extraordinary, because most of the humans can be easily distracted or tempted to fade away from intensity. That’s why about a decade ago most of my dedication within self-development was about ‘practicing’ discipline.

What I have attained was not really useful in actual real life, I’d rather say it’s a stubbornness, but oh jesus it’s exhausting to do.
Because it’s not really ‘professional’, it’s rather a mind-state of this is a battle, I have to fight with all my energy for this extreme state to upkeep. Well, obviously, resulting in exhaustion, tiredness and fatigue after a while. Sometimes earlier than I’d want it to be. Then I arrive to the problem of my definition and thus exposing it’s limitation within my own mind-dictionary.

As it’s polarity-based – I am not directly accessing and expressing the word to LIVE it in the flesh, but only through polarity – what costs, I have to play by it’s rules, it’s limited and definitely not unconditionally available at my will.

There were moments when I was questioning it, even before walking DIP course – like if I really consider, even my analogy of a samurai warrior at battle – he – or she – is not always on full power mode, to be able to act and react with the sword, must be relaxed as well, because if I strain too hard my muscles – they become slower, and obviously tired more earlier.

So this was often at the back of my mind but in order to admit, acknowledge, see and really understand, had to write the timelines at the points, where it originates from and what are the patterns through I am manifesting the consequences. For instance when playing music with others, who are really good, let’s say ‘professionals’. Or when talking at a corporate meeting to be able to intervene, speak up and express what I want in a way what is not reactive, but directive, has clarity yet not too firm with the consideration of others and myself equally.
Or when balancing my responsibilities during the days, to prioritize yet not compromise, to challenge my limits yet not exhaust myself either.

So – working on that with the course, takes some weeks. It seems like extreme amount of work invested in only ONE WORD – but I’d rather walk it now than looking back after some more decades and to realize I had so many years and did not walk this when had the opportunity. It’s a must to walk, decompose, understand and forgive all polarities from my mind, there is no excuse and this is who I am, so doing it one breath at a time.

Thus – today at one company meeting I was looking at the application of this – it was not totally planned, like woke up to do this today at this or any upcoming meetings. This is rather like ‘the week is about this, let’s see when I can work with it’. And today was this opening up, when I was looking at my physical body, posture and experience – while talking with my colleagues. I found myself to be quite relaxed, so realized this point and checked further in my body parts – where is tension, and in seconds I was confirming: I am totally relaxed physically, the body is at rest, yet I am still here, not in the mind faded away, and it seemed so casual, ALMOST judged myself that it was like when I was stoned in the past – except today I was not, rather just had the opportunity to be relaxed and at the same time discipline myself to communicate and share.

It’s something to write and talk about balance but when in real time seeing the opportunity to DIRECT MYSELF into that expression, it’s quite fascinating.
What I have developed to be able access discipline was okay, not perfect, but let’s say it was a good start. Now, with the re-definition of the word, I am able to expand so much, to further re-design my whole beingness, from physical stance level to the actual movement, it’s literally like re-birthing myself in and as this flesh. This is beyond anything, the most powerful thing in existence. Power referring here as life-force.

It’s still sometimes distracting the previously accepted self-programming of judging the level of relaxation in the body to react to, such as ‘wohoho how relaxed I am, cool, dude’ – but this will fade away as designing myself to not give attention to these kind of reactions, but honor myself with acknowledging it yet disciplining to remain in and as expression. But this time not with control and force, energy and rigidity, but opening it with self-trust and curiosity.

So discipline does not need to be intense or this self-soldiering to be, it can be casual – and I do not need to rely on certain types of body postures or expressions – in itself it is a decision, an understanding.

And it totally makes sense, for instance when I used to do juggling, it also has to be firm yet casual, because in the air, with the gravity – I can’t be too rigid and trying to control with brute force – has to be agile and spontaneous as well – but still directing the tool with clarity. For that one has to practice to have a feel, an understanding, skill and confidence as well, but if not being open to new and better ways, will not grow or expand anymore.

Same with playing music – now I am playing simple songs on piano with two hands and although it’s a closed, very specific and and exactly defined system I have to practice and be able to express(to read the notes and play in tempo) – there is freedom opening up within those moments to be able to give character and unique expression. Playing Beethoven with classic style, or jazzy or gipsy folk style for instance. And within those moments I have to find balance within discipline and relaxation – and thus maybe focus and awareness, application and expression is better word. But what’s behind is the living of the word discipline.

Of course, this is not rocket-science, many can agree with this and say – of course! But the thing is that due to everyone’s semi-unique past – all of us is programmed a bit differently, and it’s self-honesty to acknowledge for each of us to see – This is my own responsibility to correct.

For me it did not seem to have problem with discipline in general, I had the conviction that I am just superior in this than most of others, but when I decide to descend back to earth, into reality, the facts, the actual timeline of real experiences can reveal that I only believed that, and there is place for improvement. There are several situations, types of scenarios where I actually lack of discipline, no matter what, and in order to be able to live this word without bias(self-created) – I have to work with the surrounding words, the associations, the reactions, emotions, thought-patterns for a while to reveal the source, the core of belief, self-dishonesty and delusion. Then to plan an actual, walkable solution to express it.

Such as being relaxed, thus not getting tired at a corporate meeting while being able to focus to and effectively express myself with my words. It’s a skill, just like everything else, thus worth working with.

For this and in general I am immensely grateful for Desteni I Process course and the buddies within it(the experienced persons who we chat with regularly, who read and comment on our assignments and support us for more awareness and change).

Check it out – and the PRO course costs, yes, but the value it gives in time is extraordinary. And actually – if someone can’t afford it, there are ways to be able to walk the course without paying, so money can’t be a real excuse here. Rather than if I can afford it, I give value to the course and people and if I can pay it, I am also supporting someone else to be able to walk it without paying. As internet costs, servers cost, the people who spend many hours reading our assignments also have commitments and need to eat, etc – in this world this is how it is, at least there is no corporation or some greedy board of directors behind of this, but dedicated individuals who are literally walking and suppoting actual change.

DIP LITE is and always will be free – with also a buddy person supporting by reading your assignments, etc – it’s really extraordinary course and I just say again, no matter what is your life status, I am sure you can gain from registering and start walking it.

What I resisted these with was like ‘I am too creative and free soul, can’t be structured or limited into regular exercises’ – as these courses often require you to consistently write, for instance daily, or weekly – but the thing is if one does not do this – will not see the resistances, excuses coming up – as we all can have moods of ups and downs, wherein it’s so easy to justify to skip discipline or commitment – but actually facing it, I am learning about myself, my limits, my thinking, my weaknesses and strengths – just as when someone works out regularly – will be days when just want to skip it – and it’s up to self to decide.

So – the best is to work out on self-honesty regularly and then share it on blog – to be transparent, thus others can also understand where I am in my process, they can assist me if seems odd or not the best approach – or one might can understand the patterns you walk and share through.

This is where blogs and vlogs are shared for instance:

Ideal is to write every day – one might not be able to do so – I have been writing blogs since a decade now, and the current structure is called 7 years of Journey to Life – thus counting the days – this is the 400th since that commitment – several years ago it was – not that it’s a competition, but also shows the accumulative effect so I can reflect back who I am within this discipline, where is the direction and how to improve if needed.