Seeing my Shadow
This is about the feral mind humans, what have never been domesticated. Yet we live with it, as it every day, no break.
Sometimes it is even cryptic – when I look at my stance towards a specific person, who I judge as ‘not cool’ – simply because of my interest connecting me to that person, all I do is that I judge, box and define the person based on that interest of mine.
We can even call it love when our self-interest totally consumed us, the sheer amount of fear of not being able to experience that self-interesting love will eventually show who we really are in our limited actions.
I remember my love experiences – falling into those regarding to specific ladies – total disaster eventually all what has became, because I was blinded by my obsession for a reason – neglecting, not loving myself.
I have no problem with the word love or the love as action itself, it’s just everything is awesome, yet rotten from the core because of our starting point with ourselves, our mind, the world and others, which is not absolute self-trust, not absolute clarity, stability, consistency and practicality.
I remember, some people around me were telling me that they desire this fall in love experience, yet they can’t control it to simply have it with someone. It comes or not, and even if it does – it can go away just that easily as well.
Hell, some even admit, when the partner seems perfect – if that sort of obsessive, blinding ‘love’ experience is not presenting itself after a while, they just move on. It sounds almost like fishing, you put out a bate and you hope.
I used to accept to take refugee in these love experiences – and just as I did that – I catalyzed to manifest consequences for my lack of self-love, self-respect, self-trust, self-honesty.
So then how can I actually love myself within self-respect, self-trust and self-honesty?
That is a question everyone has to answer for themselves. It is certainly not about accumulating feeling good. It’s not about feeling bad either, like saying – tough life, hard justice, only real what is bad, like pain makes you feel real – it is just a sort of twisted rationalization of being lost in a mind-oblivion.
The mind is a fascinating design – although we all use it to hide with all the thoughts, feelings, emotions – who is not preoccupied with their own mind-crap, they can see what are the facts, here, real.
To see the Matrix is not magic or something mystical – it is to be able to see, walk through and understand systems.
Systems in my own mind. Systems in my own behavior, reactions, justifications. And by that, eventually the real world opens up.
If I look at my own existence, it seems quite complex yet mostly automatic. Apparently I make the decisions, yet I can’t seem to weave, sculpture, forge exactly what I want.
This often results in simply letting go of that specific want, the one which I can’t seem to be able to pull out to fulfill.
I am really good with adapting – I always noticed – and yet, if I am brutally honest with myself – not really – it’s just I have adapted to always be able to explain what I experience and do of why I do that, yet if I really investigate the atomic steps of how my mind, words, actions flow, it is quite obvious that most of me, who I am today is quite automatic, as a consequence based on my past participation with my mind, body and reality in overall.
Cool experiment – try to abandon yourself – do not ‘do’ – just ‘be’ – it might not be that awesome, yet you can observe that you are going to keep existing without actual conscious ‘decisions’.
Recently became obvious via walking the amazing DIP Pro course that just because a simple judgmental point, I was able to judge someone, completely justified to make a decision about that person’s life in a way what I defined as ‘tough love’.
Meanwhile, all I did was that this person being in my life has triggered my ‘mind-wounds’ of my past, just because this situation resembles to that situation from the times when I was clueless, powerless and totally exposed to this world without practical skills, money and actual understanding.
Just to make it more clear – I had experiences in my childhood what I really did not like and now when I see something similar to that, I automatically react, I automatically score negative points in my mind, I automatically accumulate inner friction about it and most importantly – I keep branding people and situations around me based on that. This guy did good, +1 – but yesterday did bad, -1.
Negative has to has positive side – both are unreal, only seem relevant through my self-interest mind consciousness system, so the only way I can make them believable is that I try to keep my mind in a sort of consequential, yet consistently logical operation. What’s good is good, what’s bad is bad. For my interest. Even if that interest is called ‘love and best for all’. That is my interest, right.
See – I have the greatest intention – yet filled and manifested through rules and regulations based on the past. Although I have born total innocent, without a system in my head,- as a grown-up I am now formed, branded and limited.
I have been doing pilgrimage, meditation, rituals, trances, alcohol, drugs and many other activities in order to unconsciously try to purify myself from my own self-definitions, judgments and limitations; by time they just build and grow; just like my mind has developed it’s rigidity and limiting solidity, the same way as most of the old people’s body show how they are in their own mind as well: they become completely calcified, crystallized and totally the opposite of being innocent, flexible and free as everyone was born here.
Eventually I have realized that I can distract myself from my self-dishonesty as long as I want with meditating on buddha form, or doing a ritual for some god’s goodwill or forgiveness, they will wait for me when I am done. Every single dishonesty of mine will not go away, unless I work on it, and I live real time, consistently the actual change. It is a job, no doubt.
Sure, I work at this IT company, I do this and that, but my real job is to reveal, deal with and prevent dishonesty in this world. This world is mine. I am the world. Today I have realized, yeah, yeah, when I visit another country, I visit them, I am the tourist there, in a way – but from another perspective, I am still home, I am in the world, as the world. Always. Silly idea of separating myself from the world. Where is the end of me and starting the world? My skin? What my body is made of is not the world? The whole thing is ridiculous.
Anyone stating that they do not care about the world is just a funny way showing that they do not truly care about themselves, maybe, because they have never directly saw/met/experienced/lived themselves. But again – what is care, how can I truly live real care without any percentage of delusion?
How can I care for others, the world, when I do not know how to care for myself, my ‘human condition’, branded with my own mind-systems, limiting my perception, experience and expression.
That’s why it’s common sense – want to love, care? Learn how to care for yourself!
Sure, that entails dealing with the hardware, our bodies, but any hardware is only capable of doing what it’s software allows to do – thus, the well-being of SELF within self-honesty is also pretty important.
Of course, too much self-introspection, self-care, self-love might seem as self-interest, it reminds me to the presumably true old stories about some saints from holy books dedicating their life to ‘get enlightened’ or ‘unify/experience/live god’, etc.
Like, seriously – if there would be a real Artificial Intelligence in this world – I mean, true intelligence, it would laugh it’s ass off on humans and their thousands of gods, saints and all kinds of mystical friends.
Yet these are just symbols of our own relationship with our own mind.
Just like when I automatically believe that an experience, a situation and a judgment from my childhood should justify me still feeling, defining and acting the same way. Ridiculous.
Of course, if you have been bullied by multiple legless men for instance (just a funky idea), it is quite a challenge not to define this, them and in general as bad automatically.
It seems like it’s beneficial. Feels like the whole ‘Darwinism’ and ‘evolution’ is just comprehensive pre-programming to be honest towards the perfection of mind consciousness as system as god.
Surely, every single living being has their own individual expression(sometimes we can catch this, when a rabbit, categorized as scared, chases away poisonous snakes, showing extreme fearlessness), yet it also can be that it’s still programming, somehow some rabbit-mind-variable overflown and calculating decision differently what we usually expect by our own systematic categorization and judgment.
Same with humans – we all try to manage our lives to everything make sense, yet sometimes it’s just falling apart, at least for a while, when we undeniably have to admit that ‘here, now, I have zero direction in this, yet I am moving, being moved, I react, I word, I act’.
For instance back to my referred personal ‘judgment self-dishonesty’ – I love my mom, I guess – and anyone I perceive not being the best they could be with her, I automatically develop a mind-beef with that person.
That is my definition of love. I want her to feel and be good, not feel bad and not be bad. Hahaha, very simple. In a way, poetically robotic.
So why all this strange rant? I am walking a specific lesson with DIP course and within the lesson I learn about my relationship with my mind, how I develop scoring towards everything and everyone, the polarity of good and bad and how most of this is now automatic. This is not taught in any school, yet seems like the most important lesson in life.
Everything I believe to be me has a reason, a logic if you like, processed, filtered and manifested through my interest.
With DIP courses, one naturally learns to decompose and understand these logical, crystallized(compressed, automatized, concealed and forgotten) structured mind-systems, walking through them with the power of self-honesty, writing and of course the people who refer themselves as destonians.
Destonian: word; means someone who commits oneself to walk the Process of Self-forgiveness in this lifetime, to expose and transcend all systems, within or without of the boundaries of our mind to birth life from the physical as all as equal as one and within that realization to live responsibility, care and love.
See, love can be re-defined, re-educated by taking out the self-interest, polarity, mind parts to see who I want to be as living this – and all – words.
I have been among the luckiest ones, because throughout my rocky journey to find my location in existence, I have had experiences of finding the end, the edge and the limit of Consciousness – which is of course an other system to offer to be cradled by our own and well-praised and justified systematic self-interest.
That’s why I was able to be assisted to let go the desire to even trust consciousness systems and start asking the real, critical questions of who I have became and who I am going to be from here now on.
Since childhood I have been learning and working as computer programmer, which consists of using specific words to structure and animate behavior and the resemblance of human mind to automatic characters in computer games is mind-blowing. The reason for today’s computer games automatic characters not yet being that complex and multi-dimensional as ourselves, humans is that it takes LONG time to create this complexity and they not need to be that complex – for now. But imagine, if you could have like a hundred thousand years to program a character. Every day, further and further – and when going into a dead end, then going back, adjusting, re-aligning, continuing to weave who this person will be, literally pre-programming to be ‘alive’.
That’s why Desteni courses, awesome community people are constantly working with words – because in this human reality, those are the real building blocks of this world – that is why it is the most simplest yet challenging practical common sense point to admit – that we need to work with words to understand more. Words we already consist of. Words we react to, words we associate positive/negative with, words we want, we resist, etc.
Investigating my Shadow
It is through writing words I have been able to become aware of this self-dishonesty of mine, wherein I have been scoring a person just through my own interest without realizing it, and when fully slowing down, sitting down multiple times focusing, digging out, pushing through various resistances to understand how and why I have became this automatic about it.
Of course, some automatic ‘self-creation’ is useful, doing recurring activities, it can assist to be effective – for instance driving car.
Today I have been assisting someone to learn to be better driver. He is somewhat experienced, just comes from another continent, culture, used to drive automatic gear, now has to use manual for the exam – so he is in the process of automatizing that process, ‘driving with the stick’.
I observed him making similar mistakes I used to, some were somewhat unsafe-like, yet I did not judge, react, only offered to share how I would do in this situation. Before going off-topic about this, just to reference something what many can relate to. It takes time. And sort of repetition. To accumulate.
Same with how we live – or do not live our words we use in our mind, on our lips, as our actions.
It can be invigorating to have a break through of a self-delusion/limitation/abuse – yet if that does not become natural, part of who I am, it will not remain.
It is not enough to understand the fact that I have been judging someone based on my past, projecting to him what I feel have been done to me by ‘similar people’. I continue to walk the DIP course lesson, assignment to see this through until it is not moving me anymore ever. So I re-and return to that point until I see within absolute self-honesty that this is not within my living expression anymore.
That is also a humbling process, because no matter how long one walks this process, it’s not like there are people who have ‘done’ this self-cleansing, if one picks up arrogance, becoming overconfident – that’s just an other mind-construct waiting to be walked and transcended.
Everyone starts with an opportunity to live life to the fullest potential, every day. Better to use that.
Closing this one with self-forgiveness on my personal point I’ve been referring here and there today.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my behavior in my mind, words and actions to become judgmental, based on polarity, my interest in a way that I’ve been stuck in a perception of something ‘bad’ have been done to me by specific situations/people – which caught me off-guard and felt so bad that I rather have decided to avoid this happening again, so then I constantly seek out signs of resemblances to that past event and then automatically define it to react the same way as I have done when I was clueless, powerless, not yet realizing that today who I am, I am capable of revealing all points, words, reactions, conditions, convictions and forgive myself for not letting it go, to fear this to happen to me again, to want to separate and protect myself from experiences I defined as bad.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense within writing out, down my automatically moving mind, so then I can understanding it and thus myself more directly, in a way what is more stable, reliable and accumulative in terms of the more I write within self-honesty, the more I will understand to support real change.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that resisting facing my judgments, self-definitions, any self-dishonesty is a definite sign that I am walking towards the right direction to assist and support myself, just by the accumulative past acceptance of my starting point to rather ‘hide/suppress/deny/justify’ has also became automatic which I also need to embrace, understand and stop participating within it.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that if a person does something what reminds me to something in the past, where I experienced and defined that as negative, it does not mean that this is the same, the person is kind of the same, I should react the same way as I did back then, or even more trying to ‘protect’ myself to avoid that ‘negative’ experience without questioning that ‘Is this the best way to deal with this, for sure?’.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the realization to really sink in that whenever I want to LOVE something or someone outside of myself, who I am here, it is literally due to lack of self-love and it is purely mind-stimulation to try to make it up to what I miss in reality, as an experience, not as physical fact and within that
- I forgive myself that I have been using my mind to systematize my perception, behavior and judgments in order to maximize the effectiveness of self-stimulation by reacting to words based on polarity, my interest without even for a moment stopping to admit that this is pure delusion, yet it will manifest consequences in the physical, which is undoubtedly shared with all here.
- I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed to fully admit the extent of my self-automatism wherein the algorithms are obviously showing their flaws, exposing me to the fact of my self-limitation and within that realization to naturally start accumulating understanding and practical change to go through ALL of me and forgive and let go what is not who I really am within absolute self-honesty.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that my resistance to consistency within self-directed actions is also a sign of self-definition and self-refugee taken in my mind, which is not stable, consistent, physical here, as my human physical body, therefore to take responsibility and start accumulating towards developing that consistency with effective support, meaning to see what works, to keep that, and to let go what does not.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have no idea how to love – unconditionally – myself and thus others, as I define love based on what I have previously defined as good, and simply following that and wanting to feel good, make others feel good, instead of realizing that I can start to live that love by sticking to consistently work with my self-dishonesty in mind, word and action.
- I commit myself to continue accumulating physical efforts to uncover, understand, forgive and let go any and all self-definitions, self-limitations, self-delusions and self-dishonesty, no matter what, this to be the code, nature, law of my being as life as living love.
- I commit myself to keep publicly walk and share my process of self-honesty to take responsibility for all have been manifested as consequence, for all I am, for all who we are as systems and life.
Links for future/high-tech awesome support:
Desteni I Process – the future of education
Journey to Life blogs, vlogs to become self-honest and more effective
SELF and LIVING, exceptional support for self-realization
EQAFE, existential library about the knowledge of creation