Continuing from Day 465 – Finding Courage
This one I wrote previously:
I forgive myself that I have not yet been expressing the courage to truly and uncompromisingly investigate and cross-reference what it actually and really means to love, to act upon unification and to express genuine freedom due to the mesmerizing distraction to self-delusions by not realizing the ticking clock, the finite amount of breaths being available before I inevitably perish.
- Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the energetic reaction to my automatic and often unnoticed self-judgement about ‘perishing’ – which is the fear of being incomplete, unfinished, within that the fear of ‘not making it’, meaning until my last breath not establishing consistent self-direction within self-honesty and within that unadmitted fear accumulating ‘worry’ to charge the energetic mind which is the by-product of participating in the mind, thus manifesting the oroborous, loop 22, which is the infinite cycle within and as my physical expression lead through systems within and as my daily, momentary self-acceptance of giving into the temptation of ‘not needing to stand unafraid’.
- I forgive myself that I have hidden from my coming and going worry, – specifically within sugarcoating FEAR with ‘worry’ as defining worry as something as a mild annoyance comparing to FEAR as then fear it is the real deal, can not be denied anymore thus within that I forgive myself that I have not taken full responsibility in every moments to first admit that I have not yet transcended this fear but learned to live with it and for certain moments becoming able to suppress in order to ‘rest’ as defining STANDING UP AS LIFE WITHIN SELF-HONESTY as work, as effort, as something what I’ve defined as can exhaust me, not entertaining, not stimulating, not always positive and within that manifesting this polarity system of standing up and then resting out that effort and not daring to be honest with myself that this is self-delusion as this indicates energy, self-manipulation and still participation in self-separation through the justification to accept thoughts, feelings and emotions as my driving force and not realizing that behind that drive, the fear of change, fear of unknown and fear of responsibility I should spearhead to embrace and find practical work with it directly in a measurable, accumulative, consistent and enjoyable way, enjoyable meaning honoring myself and regardless of experiences or world events to respect that as LIFE.
So. This post is actually to open up about:
STARTING THE DAY WITH STOPPING
When I wake up, I often start with STOP to say and direct myself to.
If I just wake up in the morning(or afternoon, whenever), I do not want inner movement, I do not enjoy thin-king, I do absolutely like to prevent to get emotional and that I really enjoy to do.
To have a thought, vectoring into a thought-chain/thought-train about something I need or should do today, a point I have not yet resolved within self-honesty thus the systematic reflection automatically offers to ‘grind on’ and it is not that difficult to imagine this to become an annoyance.
How can I annoy myself into frustration with purely myself one might can ask and it is not really reaching that level nowadays, but if I would not STOP myself, even when still being in bed, I would definitely get annoyed with this aspect of myself, as I know, because I used to.
With the support of Desteni I Process and other desteni group support, it is evident that this kind of approach towards PROBLEMS is not effective and inevitably accumulates into inner and outer conflicts.
Instead of that, I STOP first – and no need to worry, if I have not entirely stopped a self-dishonest pattern, it will come back, but first I like to have an inner clarity, a quiet collectedness.
Sometimes it is enough to direct myself STOP and breathe, sometimes I apply self-forgiveness, with direct self-movement (without physical movement but sometimes with that), sometimes I whisper or even say aloud the self-forgiveness words, sentences. To. Each. And. Every. Single. Inner. Reaction.
Inner reactions, backchat, once looking at it within self-honesty, the thoughts often directly can lead directly back to the core self-dishonesty point, the fear, the distrust, the blame or any other kind of bullshit. Sometimes I need to investigate and approach the point from different angles to literally dig out that.
Of course, oftentimes I do not have the ability to do this for an hour when I wake up, yet I still take the moments, that’s why shower, brushing teeth also can be a perfect opportunity.
It’s like a self-diagnosis running at the start for sophisticated machines – it is I guess, similar approach.
It would be quite a lie to say that there are no systems within us, our mind, our approach to living, thus – systems require maintenance, sometimes a whole update or even a redesign from scratch.
That’s self-forgiveness if applied with a support who is experienced with walking this by themselves as well.
It is no way to cross-reference my own mind alone, thus recommending the Desteni support.
Sigh. Alright. For now this is it. Enjoy, breath, cheers.