Day 362 – Intensity as addiction – decomposition part 2

IMG_9568I have written already, actually multiple times about intensity as energetic addiction, however as the mind has multiple layers, graph-like relationship-systems, it’s often like that once I uncover a pattern, another patterns appear, what are connected to new(for my awareness) or already known patterns, words, trigger points, self-definitions, memories, convictions, worries, desires.

That’s why it can seem like going back and forth sometimes when returning to a topic, however it’s also a massive process, which takes sometimes weeks, months or even years to walk through. The important aspect is to remain disciplined and committed to accumulate action towards further and more specifying understanding and the ability to recognize my automatic personality pattern activations before participating within and being able to STOP. Prevention is the best cure, it must be applied when working with changing oneself. For me this point is quite challenging as spent decades to perfect the ability to virtually intensify – in a good – and in a bad – way equally – and for the self-honest aspect – it does not matter, it’s all of self-interest, what is good for me – or bad – in a way, if anything distracts from what’s here, from applying common sense and what’s best for all, then has to be practically stopped.

And for that, the best way is to decompose enough to see the hidden self-dishonesty, fear, doubt behind all the fancy and intriguing patterns hidden behind the word: INTENSITY. Intense can be cool and uncool, and the word itself should not direct me, as my basic pattern became about it is that if something is more intense, the greater actually, but this does not apply when I do something only for the sake and experience of it, because then I am the slave of my own creation.

So – intensity – the idea that if I multiply something, it becomes better, more and in reality, it is something what actually quite a fact, however, one has to be real honest with self to recognize that when I participate in the mind while pursuing accumulation, I am dealing with mind-energy, not direct physical energy.

Mind energy is what not real actually, it’s a make-belief system, created from the human physical body, which actually fatigues , deteriorates and ages, because all the energetic intensity somehow have to be created.

Thus this has to be investigated and thoroughly understand in order to really be able to let go the high, the rush, and the sort of bliss-like experience what one can get hooked to when tapping into the energetic mind addiction.

It’s quite common among humans, it’s kind of ingrained within all humans mind and thus personality behavior, but to admit it would mean that we all are basically selfish, which is somehow mainstream not to admit collectively, thus everyone actually protects all other within this giga-con, wherein everyone is wearing and mimicking a facade personality by pursuing all kinds of sources linked to their own individual, believed to be totally unique pursuit of happiness, but within all and each, it’s totally the same mind, the same nature of energy.

To investigate the origin and the nature of this energy is not that difficult, however there is not much within any mainstream cultural or even scientific publications: how exactly the mind operates within specific situations and how every human being is hooked onto their own mind which by the delusion of feeling good can be temporally achieved and for some of the many, even maintained as well.

As I peel off layers and layers within my mind, there is somehow always an un-admitted fear linked to some simple words lay down there, wherein I, often as a child got afraid from to face or re-live, and thus to justify my own strategy to avoid pain and loss, uncertainty and powerlessness, I came up with very powerful ways to distract myself from reality in ways, wherein I basically can have total control and power to virtually overwhelm myself with thoughts, feelings and emotions to the point of being able to disregard what’s going on here.

If this ‘skill’ is used within absolute honest discipline sometimes to relax, be entertained, rest, then it might be ok. But if this is becoming ‘normal’ – then just as with any other addiction – the person literally escapes into the recreational experience.

The same mindset and feeling is being re-created – just as with smoking weed – many people loop in the same set of types of high with the substance.

My addiction to energy and intensity had a history with drugs, although I do not do any of those anymore. Also not drinking alcohol, however within certain type of activities, I can catch myself falling into only doing things for intensity itself. And that’s not cool.

I mean, obviously something feels better if having a bigger, longer, more impacting build-up, such as within sex or achieving some athletic or sport, hiking or any sort of challenge, or even how binge-watching TV series to follow a very dramatic story – but when the prioritizing of all my current life’s activities is not happening with the best practical common sense consideration, then I’d say it’s a problem, where the addiction is not the source of that problem, but it’s actually a diversion tactic.

Then to be honest with self needs to be pushed, because there is an initial resistance, fear, what makes me disregard that point, aspect, situation, experience or even person, from what I elude myself into a loop of energetic experiences.

Part of the package is to be able to willingly lose track of reality, context and time, and within this: myself in a way – without that, it’s not yet intense enough, thus need to intensify.

The false sense of losing self, as I lose my awareness, by choice, but I end up literally manifesting myself as I choose to become, as this junkie on something what keeps me averting from my real life responsibilities.

Thus, decomposing, forgiving and re-defining the WORD intensity is required, which I am going to walk here, step by step.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself in terms of admitting what I really want, and thus pretending and resisting things in order to comply to my dishonesty patterns in order to not realize that I am accepting fear, even if it’s not conscious, or not obvious for myself or others, but actually I know, always know, even when trying to distract myself with intense experiences, in between the high moments, it’s always here, which invalidates and falsifies all the enjoyment I try to chase.

This is the kind of honesty what is more direct than to visit a guru and meditate for weeks in a temple. No judgement, but it’s also part of the deal to decide if I really want to stop this dishonesty or not – that is interestingly enough, also can depend on how honest I can allow myself to be to see how dishonest I accept myself to be. Strange.

And in order to communicate with myself, it’s extremely supportive to write – not necessarily the essay-type introductory, but with the self-forgiveness, most definitely.

As I become aware of what I accept and allow – and if it’s nasty, it’s dark, it’s egoistic – it can really help to see – as many times it’s also automatic to justify – like overwhelming sexual desire suppressed and not expressed in a healthy way – to justify by the kind of allowed norms by society, although obviously not the best way to approach it.
Or when someone not just smokes weed once or twice, but every day, getting stoned all the possible times – that’s probably a distraction, evasion from something what’s in front of the individual. As I did that, I know.

The list of what can be ‘sacrificed’ for the mind-altair of self-consuming kind of pursuit after the vibe of intensity itself, which is in a way an energetic addiction can manifest as myself in the flesh.
As the human flesh is quite a programmable one, thus the deprogramming with the right tools, structured, disciplined process makes the best sense.

That’s why I commit myself to walk through all the addiction to intensity, decompose all patterns I am not yet fully aware of to the extent of having a throughout understanding of what I accept and allow to participate within and be able to prevent myself to fall into the self-distractive nature of time-looping with the energetic experience connected and associated to the word intensity.

Most of my practical examples are related to drugs and sexuality as those were probably the most ‘intense’ ways to fall into the energetic addiction, but as I see it today – those were not the source, core, starting points of the problem, but also were symptoms, distraction points – and this means that I have to dig deeper and what’s more important is that I have to learn to be able to discover, stop and re-align within real time moments to be able to really change this one breath at a time.

Great, very strongly recommended online course – freely available for everyone:

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Exceptional profound understanding of how the mind, consciousness and energies work:

http://eqafe.com

Just an example from EQAFE: This is way ahead of any science even talking about these points in relation to how human individuals participate within the mind:

How Mental Energy Addiction Becomes Behavioural Addiction – Quantum Physical

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Day 361 – Intensity decomposition part 1

IMG_9118Continuing with the patterns mentioned yesterday

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define intensity as compass and stimulation, animating force and motivation within my life and not being honest with myself that stimulation by intensity became an addiction without realizing it can lead me to participating within activities and manifesting consequences what are not supporting me and others the best way possible and thus later regretting it, becoming doubtful and ashamed.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that participating within regret, shame and doubt about intensity and mind-energy addiction I feel emotionally low and tired, and thus automatically wanting to get back high on the energy rush experience with participating again within the intensity ride, thus creating the full circle, self eating snake time loop of trap.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the fear of not doing enough, not being good enough is now not appearing in the conscious mind of mine, but it does not mean I am free of it, because on resonant and unconscious mind level I still participate within the same patterns when I am not being fully present and aware, meaning to directly being able to see consequences of my specific actions, when about to actually being able to decide if preventing myself or re-activating into a self-stimulation with specific type of thoughts and feelings and emotions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not named the specific type of thoughts, feelings and emotions which by I stimulate myself into a virtual mind consciousness ride, which is unrelated from reality and the exact same reason I go into, because regardless of what happened in my life, if needed or wanted, can go away into my own creation and to just make myself feel better, but not realizing that meanwhile I am a passive weight in reality, consequences are still manifested, thus everything not only will wait for me to catch up, but often also accumulate and intensify, the same way as I intensify the thrill, the vibe, the feel of movement and expansion, even if it’s virtual and completely unrelated to reality, such as daydreaming, doing something stimulation, such as trance, sex or playing computer game over and over and over again for the energetic experience only.
  • I forgive myself that I have not started to write notes, a diary, to debug my energetic mind household about ups and downs, the needs, manifested desires and when letting those go with what internal and/or external conditions, thus being able to become really specific and also pinpoint the exact words trigger points, memories, personality aspects to be able to really work on real time, day to day scenarios to be able to stop participating within the energetic mind and start trusting myself to live consistently.
  • I commit myself to push myself through the tiredness and energetic high I conditioned myself through various addictions, and to see under these to realize who I accepted and allowed myself to be exposed to and being controlled by and accumulate self-trust to direct myself into living words without energy mind.
  • I commit myself to expose the energetic mind as nature of fear and addiction to escape from facing fear and live the way to heal myself and transcend these patterns of self-sabotage and express myself freely.
  • I commit myself to share the process of self-liberation through self-forgiveness as the expression of life as who I am as equal as one with all what is here and to assist and support myself and others to live a way without addiction and fear.
  • I commit myself to continue the humble process of self-investigation and self-honesty as self-directed choice as life as living substance directly without the virtual consciousness.

 

Self-liberation audio books at EQAFE.com

Life coaching to learn to change and expand by understanding mind and consciousness at DIP course

Self And Living to explore what it means to apply the wisdom of practical common sense

Day 360 – Self-investigation about Intermittent direction

P1000211What I have noticed is that I am a bit unclear about how to live the word Structure, which influences my self-direction on a day to day basis as it does not always work when I need to do mid- and long-term disciplines, projects and actions decided to do myself alone.
Belief to decompose and correct:  I have extraordinary discipline and focus, when I decide to do something, I am achiever.
Addition: I do pursue/direct with discipline until I am being kept motivated. If it’s external – big compromise as I am exposed to the elements so to speak about how long I keep in one direction. I am aware of that I am effective with short-term goals and achievements, best is when it’s up to some hours, but if it’s taking longer, I am extremely challenged. This became an observation, then a self-definition.
Scenario, example memory: I am walking the Camino de Santiago pilgrimage in Spain with others. Usually 20-30 km per day. My effective style was that I walk quickly and covering big distance in a short period of time, then I rest up. I leave others behind, they rather choose a slower but continuous pace. Once they reach me in my rest, I stand up and say: let’s continue. (They often want to rest, while I am already rested up). I don’t do this for competition. I rather enjoy that when I do something, doing it fully. And then when it becomes a bit uncomfortable, I am getting tired, I take a rest. But then naturally continuing with the intense movement.
Keyword: intensity
Intensity is associated to stimulation and energy. If I am not experiencing intensity, I do not feel stimulated, I don’t feel energy, I don’t feel moving (enough). (( this is the point for self-forgiveness ))
Intensity is quite a relative term, comes from comparison and memory, self-definition and deep within: fear – fear of not moving, fear of not doing enough, not being good enough, fear of missing out, fear of sinking, fear of wasting time, etcIntensity guarantees the SENSE of movement, creates tension, but it’s not real, it is an effect. A false prophet.
Justification to avoid mid- and long-term projects, actions hides from facing the fact that I move in relation to and seeking after intensity, which is not sustainable, not in a consistent manner, or if so, I will have more intense and less intense periods.
Based on the ups and downs of the experience of intensity, my attitude also varies, which then makes it difficult to plan with it.
Thus it can happen, that I think of doing something, for instance doing a project for a week or a month and after some days I am less and less motivated and I am distracted, taking a day off, and sometimes even completely disregarding the plan, because intensity has dropped, and thus I was not stimulated -> motivated -> animated to continue in an effective manner.

This is obviously a problem, however it’s great support to realize, write and face it. I actually had various challenges and resistances within freeing myself from self-limitations and this is a big point but it’s doable to decompose and unblock my potentials.
Finishing this with a pattern, which I’ve noticed to unfold:

  • Deciding to do something I am being enthusiastic about
  • starting to do it
  • I am enjoying it, being stimulated
  • I have a challenge, a point which requires diligent work
  • I slow down within expression, intensity lowers
  • I allow doubt and distractions in
  • I break my discipline
  • I justify why not continuing
  • I simply abandon it
  • I feel uncool about it, creates a fraction more of doubt

With Desteni I Process online course, there was a Mind Construct, which assisted me to understand this pattern and how to support myself preventing to go into and how to start structuring myself and also debunking the belief that I need to strive to define and experience intensity in order to be motivated and moved, and that this originates from an original doubt which trying to compensate, and instead simply deciding to do something and start moving with consistency, no matter what.
Basically giving into resistances means that I am ‘too fast’ in my mind – and what happens is that the described pattern is being triggered and I end up at the end of having the emotional reaction, and within that I created a resistance within, which seems bigger than it is in reality.
So then two points to consider:

  • how to prevent myself going into this pattern
  • how to walk through an already created inner resistance in relation to something challenging

Only what’s challenging is resisted – many things I already pushed through, for instance driving was a HUGE one, took almost a year to overcome – and nowadays I can’t wait to sit into the car and drive, when needed – regardless of how difficult the road or traffic is ahead. Now it genuinely became self-expression through enjoyment and discipline. I take driving, safety and things about car very seriously, I am also collected and structured about how and with what approach to do things in relation to it – and the reward is that I have confidence and effectiveness.

One recurring point with what I expand within self-expression in a way what requires all of me to work with, thus it’s great support and tool to expand with is learning and playing music. I recently restarted to continue with it and just some days ago I realized that I stopped some days ago, and excuse was not true: not having time for it anymore, because even 15-25 minutes a day really adds to it and thus I am going to walk this resistance point with the example of music.

As in fact, within DIP course, my current Mind Construct to walk is about another, bit related pattern about music, thus it’s great to share about this process here. Especially by realizing that as I walk through this point about music, opens up a a lot within me in all other areas and pillars of my life. About consistency, decomposing and stopping the mind participation and more and more directing within a structured, yet more free way, as I have always wanted to do so.
Action, practice, focus to:
Note the upcoming, recurring points when I have a thought of should learn/play music and having excuse and justification: what reaction, thoughts, feelings, emotions happen, also focus to the physical aspect: in body, how I feel, where is my breath?

Discipline and create structured plan and simply push myself to do it, even if it would become a bother – while focusing to resistances, note them, what are the already manifested ones and how I actually allow to stop myself by them and why

Start writing action plan – not just tasks, to-do lists, detailed bullet points – but also in a timely manner: on what day, when, for how many days – and when tempting to not do it – write down reason to see. Writing assists to really see.

Balance it out with planning and taking time for support body and presence awareness: taking a break is fine, unless remaining in schedule and plan is at sight to manifest.

In regarding to INTENSITY – when I slow down, also can happen that I get an associative thought driving me into an action to do something I know I enjoy – when need / and want to do something which is challenging, regardless of I really want to, sometimes I can fall into the temptation to do something fun which is easy, such as meet up with friends, watch a series episode, shoot some computer game, have another nap, etc. While in fact the stimulation is not that intense, but it’s easier than to carve path into the unknown.

Today was an interesting day – I was at blockchain conference, went to opening, before lunchtime I left, went home, ate and then took a nap, then returned to the conference. The presentations were all very professional and fascinating, but the main point was to connect with the right people which already did, so decided to have quality time instead of quantity, thus it was actually fun to get back well rested and relaxed and to enjoy the rest of the conference and keep connecting with fresh body and awareness. So, sometimes it much more effective if I slow down a bit and remain present and directive, thus breaking the habit of ‘keep my mind and myself busy, thus seems like doing a lot’ self-conviction, and rather trust myself and live enjoyment as well.

And as I was kind of naturally connected with the slow down in the mind – thus becoming quite inside and at the same time focusing to what and how I do, with whom and where at – and it was enjoyment in a structured way – and I was not craving into intensity – there were some moments still, but in general it was already some change within the overall experience. Thus will investigate further.

Intensity is still a thing, my holy mountain which I can get to from bottom to top(a movie reference here) and in the simple every day moments within consistency to realize that if all moments are equal (why they shouldn’t be) then no need intensity – sure it will come and go, but the point here is not to get attached to or dominated by.

A lot written already, will continue bit later.

Day 359 – Doors of Hell are Open to Leave

IMG_9559

One more analogy. My last post was about Smart Contract as Self-and Relationship Agreement, today:

Self-dishonesty as Hell

There was a cool statement within one of the Lucifer episodes(TV series) I saw recently.

Lucifer walks Earth and tries to be a good guy, helps the police to find killers. Hehe, kind of a cheesy police procedural with some Gaiman’s Sandman elements played out in L.A.

Lucifer is confronted by a man, who blames him to drove him to do bad things he could never done by himself and then Lucifer says that the truth is that he never did tell or make anyone to sin and he does not decide who goes to hell, humans are being sent there by their guilt and forcing themselves to relive their own sins over and over and over again.

Furthermore he adds this as a funny part: the door is not locked, “you can leave any time you want but no one ever does that”.

If someone ‘gets there’ – although people re-live the bad, it’s often difficult to ‘leave’, even when manifested consequences pretty much paint directly to our face the fact that it’s total crap.

Guilt is an interesting approach: self-blame, self-eating, self-diminishing, self-disempowering loop, what does not lead somewhere supportive.

But what requires guilt to remain?

What I mean ‘remain‘ here is that the nature of life and existence is rolling forward moment-based. One moment comes after another and who we are within each influences who we are within the next one, but actually we are not bound to always remain the same as we are right now. And we certainly don’t, as we create and align to patterns.

Yet with how our relationship with ourselves, external conditions, others have been manifested and evolved, it’s often difficult to change our patterns. Even when the odds are obvious that we should. By no means I generalize here, usually I share about ‘me’ and not ‘we’ – but many might can relate.

Just let’s look at fear, anxiety, frustration – addiction, despair, depression – these are usually not fun, yet what compels me to go back to such self-limiting, self-compromising, self-defeating mind-states?

My own conviction, which might seem like my own guilt-based self-recreational hell actually. If I would not go back to re-rely to define things as before, if I would let that conviction go, I could – maybe – explore new ways to find solutions. But I am so convinced that the one I chose before is the best, even when obviously not, I go back to do the exact same thing again. Insanity.

It’s necessary to understand how consciousness works, how we use and hide behind our mind in order to try not to get stuck and still being lost within these systematic patterns.

Everything creates consequence, some more, some less, but what humans usually don’t tend – or not want – to realize is that even a singular thought, an attention, a reaction to that though is enough to add to some accumulation.

It’s the greatest truth, power and fact within existence – the simplest yet most important mathematical equation what creates and destroys, rules them all: 1+1=2.

Within human mind – the same exists: At each participation, it might adds only one tiny drip into a bucket, but once it fills, it has enough weight/mass to wash away practical common sense for more than moments, maybe minutes, even hours.

And during that time, what I do, think or feel – will create more reaction, accumulate more consequences, often regrettable, irreversible ones.

Then it’s really difficult looking back to see – this is what I did, – again – and not to define and accept that ‘this is who I am’. Even denial does not help, especially if it keeps happening. It’s kind of an art – to embrace the facts, yet not to define as this is who I am and thus have to remain as.

An example – if I don’t do something I want – every day – becomes a pattern. I can justify it, I can resist it, I can become frustrated; the reality is that I break out from it or not. If I break out by generating secondary reactions-energy by self-judgement, frustration, and then I am energized to change – which is then temporally and once fades, I return to the previous behavior as without the lifting/empowering energy I fall back to the original pattern. So in this sense I did not really change – what happened was that my mind needed a secondary pattern to control the primary.

Imagine many-many layers of such for dozens of dimensions and we get a picture of a human mind consciousness system’s strategy to contain a person’s life.

And what’s within is what’s without – as above so below – similarly manifested patterns, systematic if-then rule sets are driving the whole world system.
Is it enslavement by an external ruler? Might be that the system was placed to lure/trap beings into such systematic existence, but the fact is that the doors are not locked – anyone can walk out from these patterns and some do. Takes effort, but worth it.

What humans use? Words – building blocks of worlds. Polarity is merely a concept, yet based on self-interest – it’s subjective.

It’s important to understand that anything apparently ‘good’ can be twisted and used by the mind – even when we believe that we ‘fight’ for good – fight means conflict, separation, friction, energy – it’s not direct self living, it’s through the mind and to trust the mind is very-very risky. And many know that – if I fight – I might lose – thus choose to give in, give up, suppress, postpone and distract. Just this still creates: energy somehow somewhere in the mind/body. What accumulates.

The more I suppress – the more energy/conflict I create, the more emotional reaction I accumulate, and then it becomes automatic – and no matter if on the next day/week I am a new man, as all the patterns in my mind are also here – I click/react/move automatically. Can I directly change my own patterns? Some yes. Some, as I am not aware of, by default: no.

And that’s a humans personality basically, just hundreds, thousands of those patterns – and many are connected, related, and there are so many, and a lot happens even on a singular day, it’s becoming difficult to keep being aware of them all.

Especially when I am in emotional reaction, being angry, fearful – does not really help to stay on tracking reality awareness, the mind works faster, a lot of thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, associations, body energetic experiences: it’s just overwhelming – and then more and more of this happens, year after year I end up not being aware of the patterns exactly, how they connect, but in fact I am aware of them, just everything triggers and manifests so fast ‘in real time at situations’ – that I am – again – and always – so busy with the reaction what is being triggered, what I experience, what I will do next, so then I don’t look back, where this comes from.

It’s almost like as I age, constantly and quite quickly walking into experiences, imagining that I am this director of my life’s movie, meanwhile I am literally consistently falling into the next set of patterns and reactions, convictions, judgements, beliefs, thoughts, feelings and emotions animating me to move and react accordingly.

Objectively looking, even those, who somehow are manifested to go through mostly positive memories and experiences – often their life is quite preordained and so easily could be de-railed with some sort of intervention, thus although a human mind consciousness system is well-preprogrammed, yet being so fragile to change and stimulation.

Of course, there are always exceptional individuals, whose life seem so perfect, effective and extraordinary, but isn’t it also part of the trap for others, an un-achievable inspiration as that really can help to screw the mind: knowing that there is this perfect love, absolute fame, genius mind – that many comparing their life with they literally keep fighting for or giving up and not realizing that this whole system can be considered as hell.

Just like in a casino – many bet with their money and only a handful wins – yet everyone keeps fighting to be the winner, no matter the costs, because of their mindset and the survival of the fittest.

There is no real unconditional compassion, consideration, ‘humanity’, ‘love’ within the currently manifested cannibalistic capitalistic monetary/world system, just constant fight and struggle. Anyone denies it is still mesmerized by their own mind-bubble, which eventually will burst. Maybe only at death, but still. The world is an accumulated consequence, sins of our fathers, does not really matter how we call it, it’s really hell for most of us – not only humans, but animals, plants, the whole ecosystem.

The potentials are great, yet the reality is quite sad by looking at the big picture. Which is always an accumulated reflection/consequence of the individual contributions.

Why not everyone lives to their own possible best potentials and focusing on self-honesty, self-perfection, self-direction without inner conflict, without self-limiting patterns?

It’s not that difficult once one understands how the mind works, thus the education and self-learning is crucial here.

I used to study philosophies, psychology, eastern and western teachings, techniques, spirituality and many of those has some useful information, yet the most direct and fastest way to transcend self-dishonesty, thus being able to transform hell to heaven, here on earth, in the flesh is by walking a process of Self-honesty and Self-forgiveness.
Although techniques and strategies might differ from individual to another, but being honest with myself and to forgive what I have accepted and allowed to become, manifest and participate within: are universal aspects of Self as Life as who we all are, thus highly recommended to start understanding, applying and living.

EQAFE, DesteniIProcess and SelfAndLiving are the best places to start this process of realization, understanding of not only historical, theoretical but actual practical knowledge of how to understand Hell as the manifested patterns of our self-limiting mind, as Self-dishonesty to be able to give for ourselves a new opportunity, a change to grow without the time loop of self-sabotage.

Within EQAFE there are many-many topics and series, various areas of the mind, consciousness, the creation to understand, so then we becoming able to grasp what words we allowed ourselves to define us and that we can decompose those definitions and re-define in accordance of self-honesty and what’s best for all life.

Desteni I Process online courses (the first half year is free, with experienced buddy support, the others require some money as the trainers also have to live in this world) provide structured approach to learn the basic skills what are necessary to be able to investigate our own life to be able to overcome the weaknesses what have been pulling us down throughout the years and many are very personal – addictions, shyness, shame, regret, fears, phobias, unrealistic desires – it’s possible to self-heal.

Self And Living is a direct approach on focusing how to LIVE every day life, by looking at topics, such as living the words dedication, courage, points to consider about eating, sleeping, enjoying moments.

Desteni Forum to discuss with others about questions, answers and sharing in a structured way – ask your questions, answer others, socialize, share, enjoy!

Destonians.com / Journey to Life
to see what others who are sharing their insights, realizations, difficulties, solutions within blogs/vlogs.

There are a LOT more tools, groups and points are existing to start this indeed extraordinary journey to stop accepting self-limitation and start living – and any social media can/should be perfect to start sharing, asking, communicating and expanding.

Day 358 – Smart Contract with Self

P1000209

I am learning about Smart Contracts.

It’s something what is emerging and slowly but surely taking over the old-school contracting and business models in the world system.
It relates to crypto-currency but the idea is originating from the automatizing the if-then conditions, which become pre-determined, so then contracts and agreements can be able to ‘run by themselves’ without a third party.

Within the current mainstream system, lawyers, governments, banks do this third party role, but as Smart Contracts spread and become more and more popular, I take the opportunity to reflect this phenomenon and pattern BACK TO SELF.

For me as I am reading about this, it immediately reminds to Agreements. Those, who walk the Journey to Life process is more obvious what Agreement I mean here – the Journey to Life is just a cool label for structured, consistent and supported self-introspection, self-honesty, self-change course(I’d even call it as a lifestyle as if it’s done really, then Self-honesty permeates and manifests within self so profoundly, that one’s perception becomes much more self-and all life-aware).

So Agreement is when two or more stand together and agree on things in specific details on what they accept and what they don’t, preferably absolutely openly, directly and with the starting point of Self-honesty and the principle of “Give as you would like to receive”.

My analogy comes like this:

Within current world system, when two parties want a contract, they involve a third party, what they both accept as authority and they agree with each other but eventually they both go through/to that third party. Often both contractor has their own lawyers/representatives, who then go to one step further to a common authority to validate and keep the contract, handles when someone fails to deliver/keep what they promises, etc.

Within Smart Contract – there is no third party – there is a system still, which is basically a computer program, into both parties add their own conditions – let’s say A rents a flat, B lends it.
A puts in the money, excepts the digital keys for the flat – B puts in the digital keys for the flat, expects the money.

Smart contract activates only if the conditions are met – if not, then A doesn’t get the keys for the flat, B doesn’t get the money.

For this to work, they have to be very specific for all conditions to pre-exist for the Smart Contract to be able to be – well: smart.

It’s not yet perfect system, there could be conditions what might both parties can’t foresee/decide/control, what are required the smart contract to exist, but the good thing is that this system can and will expand, evolve and grow. With A.I. and new kind of currency systems, it’s quite inevitable.
Advantage is that it’s more fast, direct and obvious. And transparent. As no actual lawyer is involved, it requires less money(energy), etc.

When people apply Principled living within Agreement – we can say that the third party is the Mind, what can be excluded – no emotions, no extra energy, doubt, fear, worry or hope, desire is involved, but the participants focus to involve facts, reality-based conditions, a more immediate and direct way to be response-able, to communicate, to co-exist. Sounds smart indeed.

Usually, and I’d say this is the obsolete way, when a couple goes by emotion, love, which is just happening, optimally mutually, then they marry, procreate, etc and then hopefully the emotion and love remains (on the positive level), and if not, they end up living with someone they do not like anymore or people can also divorce but still ain’t no fun. Also the consequence and conflict they expose their family, friends, children to – quite a mess. Meanwhile all kinds of stuff they experience through their mind – conflict, uncertainty, frustration, anger, fear, jealousy, desire, hope, etc.

It might be seen quite cold, but I would approach all kinds of human interactions with Agreement, or be more blunt: Contract, as I am starting to LIVE with myself within establishing (p)re-defined word-based Agreement, I am becoming more stable and reliable, obvious and structured. Without becoming burned out or bitter, given up – I trust myself and if I not, I investigate and re-align with accumulative application of self-honesty, self-forgiveness, self-direction.

I don’t say love is bad or delusion – I could – but it also can be re-defined to live it according to what’s best for all – in reality, then it’s not subjected to my own interest. And if I really commit myself to find out what would be the best to do in my current life-situation, considering not only myself, my family, friends, country, etc – but all life equally – then I end up realizing that emotions might seem quite dramatic, but once I am able to stop the addiction to rely to those, to constantly seek and re-create emotional ups and downs – I can become much more consistent, reliable and trustworthy – for myself and others. And still – I can love, hug, like, enjoy, share and care – see – ACTION and experience does not necessarily mean emotions. Very specific and relevant to differentiate, requires quite some self-honesty and somewhat enough amount of active and self-directive investigation and introspection.

I used to believe that more structure, planning and consideration means less freedom, but I was wrong. Actually creative spontaneity and freedom can work much more consistently and reliably within structure and planning. I know. Sounds incredible!

If I agree with myself that when I start to fall apart and go into doubt, despair, anxiety and fear, then I stop, I re-align, I face the fear and I understand, forgive and re-define – I can actually skip the drama. I do not need to involve my emotional, unstable mind part if I do not want – and after realizing what I was missing, when I made mistakes, I can update, extend the Self-agreement.

It’s pretty cool actually – and if someone would worry about missing the love or emotions, feelings as then those are being avoided, excluded – I’d say cool things still can be enjoyed, shared, experienced, but why to accept dishonesty, disrespect or even abuse? Real Love should not be conditional, otherwise it’s not Real, right? Or is it something what comes and goes? Or shall I say – I still love, who I disregard? Sounds like a lie.

It’s so easy to scratch the surface of people’s stability, peace or happiness – and when conditions change, people and their relationships can fall apart so easily that it’s kind of scary to realize that the glue what makes people stick together sometimes work, for some people it’s great, for others it’s catastrophic.

The point what comes up within me about this is TRUST – within myself, when I ‘fell’ into love, my trust was much stronger than my common sense, and I relied to that – trusting into me that trusting to the feeling about the person that this will be awesome.
And when my trust in that person did not work out – which was actually trusting the feeling primarily – then I am here to question my own trust – about the feeling, the other person and myself.

Well, I have realized that to not rely on feelings but earn trust with time and actions is the way long time ago but in real life it seems to be more difficult to manifest this.

First of all if I have not yet established a working, living, and actually enjoyable relationship and agreement with myself, then obviously becomes very difficult to expand it to work with another being.

If I would have a tendency, a habit what does not support me – I don’t know, an example: all day watching TV series, playing computer game, eating ice cream, smoking dope, masturbating, keeping the car/flat too clean, chasing ladies, likes, etc – not saying these would be bad, but if I overdo, meanwhile based on common sense I could have something better and supportive to do, or existing to accept a problem I keep suppressing, escaping from – then that tendency, habit I need to address, I need to break it and stop participating, creating space and time within me to be able to explore what I could do instead of re-creating the same distraction from myself. The more I accept not standing up to the seemingly small things – they accumulate and will control me – but if I start accumulating understanding, stopping, changing – that will manifest. This also can be based on Self-agreement. Same can be applied within an existing relationship with others – partner, wife, family, children – to see what is not the possibly best and then to see what could be better.

It sounds literally quite disillusioning to live relationship, partnership, love with literally agreeing on everything and then to expect those to be kept, but if I really look at it, with ‘love’ it is exactly what’s happening: Both ‘have’ love and expect the other to have towards the other. And Love should be about actual and real care, support and responsibility, so then feelings might seem like quite a ride, but might not be that important. Especially if I rely to Live Real Love based on how I feel today – does not sound too reliable.

I mean, within living principled life, one can still surely experience good moments, awesome, exceptional level of enjoyment, but what it would tell about us, humans if we could not do that with responsible, planning and considerate way, only by our mind’s orchestration as third party between us, participants?

Actually as we both would have mind in-between each other and ourselves, it’s much more complicated, especially if one really investigates how consciousness and mind, personalities, emotions and feelings work.
That affection, desire, devotion and hope are also by-product of our imprinting, culture, thoughts, feelings and emotions of the mind.
And at the same time, dislike, distrust, anger and hate are also created similarly.

A lot of components of the mind we constitute by are self-dishonest manifestations, such as projection, blame, jealousy, greed, hope, fear – what can easily feed to manifest a ride of roller-coaster of positive feelings and negative emotions to go from heaven to hell and as it’s not being taught in school, people are vulnerable, exposed and totally subjected to these.

That’s why I vote for establishing Agreement. Self-agreement, Relationship-agreement. Citizens-agreement, all beings-agreement. Within clear, honest, open and caring moments to plan, create and agree on values what all participants would gladly live and share and assist and support ourselves and each other to live that.

And I know that some has this ultimate perfect romantic love relationship, marriage, life – and when we are within of such, most will imagine/hope that this is it, they are going to remain in it – but most won’t – and often will utterly fail and will be shocking the awakening that this is a bubble and it bursts. It’s also about self-honesty – after I fall into several similar patterns – will I admit, will I realize, will I change? So in a way – if I keep not changing/realizing – that’s also a self-agreement already, but not the best…

In a way, our current world system is also existing in agreements- Some are obvious, some are not much – for one: ‘money is our god, anyone lacking will be disregarded, excluded from the grace of our physical god on earth’.

It’s important to see the world with the ability to reflect things back to Self and re-align with a more honest and direct approach. A lot of things in the system showing who we accept ourselves to be and also a lot can show potential of who we could become if we would agree on living based on principle of always do what’s best for all and its not that difficult to realize what’s that – always start with Self Here.

So why not to re-evaluate, decompose and re-define our agreements with ourselves and each other a way which supports all within balance, structure, reliability and trust?

That would be really Smart. Contract or not, I’d like to see that.

Day 357 – Projection to forgive

IMG_9567Still walking relationship-projection decomposition and preparation to live the change.

  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not being aware of being insecure about fear of losing relationship, projecting out values, qualities and experiences towards someone and getting attached to the feelings and not realizing that I am not being honest with myself by not realizing that I accept being submissive and insecure in relation to the relationship itself and giving into the fear of losing it.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into fear of loss and thus paranoia of focusing to imagining and looking for signs of compromises and so self-defined: dangers to the relationship and assuming the worst within interpreting reality and not considering that I use this mechanism to overreact in order to protect my investment, not to lose what I value, here the relationship and not realizing that what I interpret and what I project out is not real.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that projection means fear, wherein I don’t face what is within, but acting like it’s someone else’s fault and responsibility, meanwhile I am the one who projects the original issue out, and not realizing the nature of it, as it’s just a mirage, a projection, not real, but if I believe so, then I automatically exist within my mind in conflict with reality.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense to stop for a moment when I have experience conflict within myself, a friction, an energetic reaction, an emotional wave and to realize that I need to slow down and breathe, let all go what’s within my mind and come back to reality and take responsibility for what I experience and actually can – and should do.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the tendency to project out the things I can’t deal with, I am unaware of, I defined as not my responsibility, not me, who has to solve, change, and within that not seeing the disempowerment, because I experience something, I accept myself to exist in a way – feel and be – yet I define that something or someone else is doing this, meanwhile not wanting to understand/see and realize that I am doing it all, and not only I can understand how I am doing this, but also I should take responsibility directly and immediately to stop projecting.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within accepting projection I also do not communicate, do not ask, do not clarify of what I assume is relevant and/or real, because I do not want to admit that I fear from being true what I fear from and within that not realizing that I fear from fear, thus I am lost within my mind, thus, I need to slow down, stop and re-align within breath and word the points to specify what I am dealing with in order to see the self-dishonesty as a pattern objectively.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have been programmed, accepted myself to resonantly tuned to have a starting point for relationship and partnership with thoughts, emotions and feelings and based on those to form and shape my experiences and behavior, spoken words and actions and not realizing that this is a compromise, a self-dishonesty, because these are related to polarity-based self-interest and fear – rather to see the common sense to commit myself to live the principle of life as equality and oneness, meaning to not be influenced, changed and controlled by circumstances, energetic experiences, but to be able to consistently realize, consider and apply what’s best for all participants equally.
  • I forgive myself that I have not admitted that the energetic experience of ‘falling in love’ feels like a drug, an energetic high, which seems to uplift all the negative pointers/parameters/aspects within my life by focusing to the previous, current or next positive energetic experience, meanwhile not realizing that the source of that positivity is also being fed by not needing to/ignoring/suppressing all the other points I defined as negative.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself, and within that not facing the fact that within re-creating energetic experiences within myself I am avoiding facing reality here, I am escaping to the past, I fear from change, making mistakes and causing irreversible consequences – and within that not realizing that I can stop for a moment and consider what’s real, what I can actually do to prevent things what are not supportive and trust myself to do the best possible by actually doing so.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within projection I rely to the past, wherein there was an event, an experience what I have defined bad and wanting to avoid it now, and by looking back, what were the conditions, circumstances, I define that ‘if this and this, then that and that will happen’ and trying to generalize, automatize in order to ensure preventing what I defined as bad and avoidable and within this all not realizing that nothing is always exactly the same and if I rely to these rules, self-definitions, then I do not allow to trust myself here, in the moment, within full presence.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I try to communicate or bring up the point of my worry or subject of my projection to the other and does not seem to work, the actual communication does not happen, then I allow the temptation to give up and fall back into judgements, projection, fear, and not committing myself to not give up and keep finding effective and supportive ways to communicate and solve conflicts, even if it only exists within me.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that getting attached to something within my mind means that I give into the fear of loss, which leads to anger and suffering and instead of trying to own or have source of experiences, to see as gift and support and if it’s time to let it go then to trust and honor myself and the other to remain respectful for open and honest communication and agreement of practically living the principle of ‘Give as I would like to receive’.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within insecurity, fear and worry, because believing that this energetic state helps to cope and fight for what I do not want to lose and not realizing that this experience is not supportive, not enjoyable and definitely not productive in terms of finding the best practical way to prevent things I do not wish to happen.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to not develop practical skills and direct awareness to immediately become aware when I am going into worry, fear and insecurity, not learning to see the signs of doubt within my self-mind and body awareness, thus PREVENT going into patterns triggered by insecurity, such as energy rush, need for more energy, feeling tired, exhausted, lack of discipline, temptations to distractions, wanting to rest, sleep, be entertained, stimulated, sweets, etc and within those patterns, also not being aware that when these ‘kick in’ all of a sudden, to slow down within, to even stop what I do for a moment to check – whether am I acting out based on worry/fear/insecurity and thus to automatically prevent feeling low/bad/down/blue, to cheer me up, to feel good/up/high, and meanwhile timelooping and what not realizing that I avoid facing a problem, a self-limitation.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever judge others, meaning to define how they are based on polarity, based on ‘in relation to me or to my interest or my experiences/wisdom/memory/realizations/whatever’ and giving into the temptation of righteousness and not realizing the projection I fall into and not realizing that my original judgement is projected out to other, because I distract/I hide/I suppress to face the point of responsibility about that point and thus trying to say – I am victim, I am not responsible, but within this not realizing the powerlessness I give into thus not being able to direct change, apply solution.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I use projection to protect my perceived investment of belief and self-definition in order to prevent something I fear from happening, and within that not realizing that I am not dealing with reality, I am focusing to others, their point, their mistakes, their self-dishonesty, while I am allowing to roam free within my already existing self-dishonesty, and within that not seeing the point and common sense to ask what’s my original problem in this, what’s the source of my fear/worry/insecurity/doubt to start finding solution.
  • When and as I see that I am defining someone to be this or that, repulsive, sulky or reprimanding, child-like or foolish, worrysome or fearful – I stop, I breathe, I become aware of my physical presence, my body, gravity, the overall feel of me here, the air, the temperature, the clothes on me, the surroundings for a moment of reference and support to bring myself here, without defining it, without focusing to that, but to see who I am within this moment, how I feel, what is the fear I give into to answer myself the honesty I am being tempted to slip away from with projection.
  • When and as I feel that someone is this or that with me, doing this or that to me and I start to relate to the person according to these definitions, projections, I stop and check – is it really fact, not just I am projecting based on past memory reference, to avoid something to re-occur, because I do not like that outcome, so I try to use the past, that ‘when this was like this, that happened, and now the situation is similar, and then the person seemed to be this and that, so now probably the situation is similar, so I must react somehow to prevent the same to happen’ – and within that not realizing that I act upon fear, I give into fear, I start reality to be interacted with by fear, instead of take a breath, look at the situation and apply common sense. This does not mean I should never learn from the past, but if there is this emotional fear first, the solar plexus energy flow, this convolution around stomach, this tension within limbs, the breath becoming superficial, losing presence, direction from within without any emotion, then I need to check is there any fear I give into, because fear-related categorizing, patterning, judging is highly tainted with delusion, projection, self-dishonesty, thus I stop myself doing so.
  • When and as I am within a situation wherein I am in relation to something or someone and I think or feel that the other’s fault is something, or the other is screwing up, doing something to me and based on that I start to feel and experience something, I realize, I am projecting, based on worry and fear, fear of loss, thus I stop and let go the fear and to see what is my responsibility here, what I should do, what I can do to solve, what shall I or need to clarify or communicate with myself and/or the other person.
  • When and as I am uncertan and worried about something and it’s related to someone, instead of assuming, imagining, worrying from an outcome/consequence/manifestation/happening, I consider that is it really relevant, actual and real, and if it seems to be, while I ensure that I am not under influence of emotional turmoil, fear and conflict, then I approach the related, involved person and I communicate, ask directly without fear, and ‘coming out’ that I interpret signs like this and that, and ask that what the other sees, perceives, stands for – instead of allowing to fall into my mind and combine and process, rather find out what’s real and then act accordingly.
  • When and as I approach someone to clarify and ask about something what bothers me, or seems relevant within practical living or communication and after one or more attempts to communicate it does not happen or can’t clarify what is relevant to do so, then I remain calm and directive, consider if can I find a better/another approach to share or reach the other and being able to create effective communication as realizing – if I give it up, I will end up just like if I did not even try to communicate, except I would also judge this attempt as excuse that ‘I tried’ – and thus realizing that it’s not about trying, but getting through, done and sort out perceived or real conflicts to be able to move on and expand.
  • When and as I can’t communicate, share or agree about something with someone about a point what bothers me or I am uncertain of, I do not get emotional, fed up or become frustrated and angry, worried or anxious, but I remain present, directive and consider if there is opportunity to find an another way, tonality, word selection, method or strategy to try to communicate and to realize – when or where is the point of realizing that this does not seem to work and stop trying and if there is such, still not use it to justify for any projection or fear, but to realize – the other might have their own process to walk and it might not be personal on how handles me and certainly this should not be a reason to justify becoming reactive and blaming.
  • I commit myself to stop projecting thoughts, feelings, emotions to others and to take it all back to self and to realize and live my responsibility and thus being able to practically see what I can do to solve or prevent conflict or difficulties/obstacles ahead.
  • I commit myself to become aware of all patterns, trigger points, situations and conditions, mind-states and definitions, events, memories and scenarios wherein I can fall into projection and fear, judgement and blame and to be able to realize within each and every single of these occurrences that the best practical solution here is the PREVENTION and thus not go into projection and blame, emotional states and fear of loss, but to realize that within reality all that exists is facts and actions, and thus I should keep focusing to these.
  • I commit myself to forgive all the self-acceptances and self-delusions about what I should fear from losing and thus justifying the worry to exist within by believing that this fear helps to prevent happening what I fear from manifesting, and not realizing that this actually a distraction and a self-defeatism wherein I use worry and fear to cope with the self-accepted self-disempowerment to not dare to do something new or radical to break the loop of self-dishonesty, and thus within this realization to push myself each time to stop and re-align when I experience or notice, feel or participate within fear of loss.
  • I commit myself to embrace and stop fear of loss by realizing and specifying all my fears in general and actual form, thus practically approaching to decide of which is unrealistic and thus to be released and stopped, and which relates to something I actually can prevent happening.
  • I commit myself to become aware of my human physical body to the more intimate, direct and profound awareness of it’s physical existence, meaning how it feels, positions, moves and lives within this reality, as with air, gravity, breathing, interaction, location, space and all the physical factors and if I am not aware of wherein and what I do, then I need to re-align to be able to, because there is a point I am falling into in an impractical and not-solution-oriented way, thus I stop and re-align with breath.
  • I commit myself to expose all my fears and thus I can practically know myself and be able to see what fear is what, why I accept it, how much it’s real in terms of actual reality and to be able to let go fear and focus to what I can do to solve problems and trust myself.
  • I commit myself to stop fearing from ‘shit happening’, wherein beyond my power, simply something what is not supportive to me or others around me happens and not to blame myself or other, because it might just happened and thus I need to accept it and stop blaming myself and rather ask if I could do something to prevent unsupportive consequences to manifest and if so, then to commit myself to do so next time, and if there is nothing I could have done, then to consider what it would take to be able to or to simply accept and let it go, such as weather or random events/accidents/luck-unluck.
  • I commit myself to stop defining partner and relationship according to my past and start focusing to get to know the person and the relationship in real time with self-trust within consideration of all participants equally and physical awareness as well.

 

Day 356 – Honesty and Reflecting to Life

aaaaa1Let’s go back to a point I am walking through, a self-dishonesty personality pattern first and then open it out to see it more deeper and broadly. Describing the problem first.

(This was revealed by support of Quantum Change Kinesiology):

Projection of (positive and/or negative) values to other in relationship.

What this shows in my personality that projecting out an idea of who the other is.
And to have the tendency to become submissive/insecure and thus misinterpret points specifically related to relationship and partner.
This is existing on unconscious/quantum mind/quantum physical level within my personality quite deeply,
in a way, a hidden type of programming exist as interpretations about partner, resulting within perceptions of a
“She is strong – I am weak” dynamics;

which then filters my perception about reality, thus supporting the personality design of experiencing, seeing, accepting and thus acting out myself as submissive and insecure.

Then I react with emotions and I am being exposed to thoughts, such as ‘I misinterpreted, I am strong, she is weak’ – and all of a sudden I am confused, uncertain, thus whatever comes, happens or whatever the other does or says, I try to adapt, embrace and accept but already not being aware of what’s real and/or relevant here..

With specific projections, to support, hide, deny and suppress this insecurity(fear, fear of loss), I make it about her and the relationship, instead of focusing back to self, Process of Self-realization – Self-investigation Self-forgiveness and Self-change.

In fact, I think that I fear of losing her, but truth is, I fear losing the relationship – within me – in relation to her, and although it’s all me, within and as me – still can’t control it, but I try regardless – thus going into inner friction, conflict and fight. Ain’t fun, this happened and had to realize, my starting point was not self-honest, I could do better.

Why falling into the mistake of become insecure/submissive through misinterpretations specifically related to partner and the relationship?
At this point I am not clear on that this fear-based behavior is always being triggered and just I became aware of it – or only within this particular relationship. Does not matter much though, it came up, I walk through and forgive and change.

My overall insecure and submissive starting point about to relationship and partner is not the core of the problem, but a result of the deeper self-acceptance on existence-level in relation to me, my mind and the world triangle/trinity relationship.

In order to face the world, I have defined – been trained, educated/ brainwashed/ lured/fallen to – my mind – and all of it’s perks (self-definitions, judgments, thoughts, feelings and emotions, energetic experiences, etc) always rely to – for interpretation and guidance. The key here is the word RELY. My mind works as a Relay between Self and World.

Thus the experience of Separation and constant strive for forming relationships.

Not only partnership, but any type of relationship with things, experiences, items, anything.
Not realizing that it’s self-created, not real, although by looking through it, what I perceive is altered, influenced, twisted and different from reality, based on the starting point of the very relationship I exist within.

The original insecurity has it’s own proof – the mind itself, within it’s essence and manifestation – the very definition of insecurity, shelling, shielding, armoring me from/in relation to and to an extent against the world – and it might sound biblical but this can be considered as an original sin – not as sin, but a starting point for a painful consequence.

With the mind – I am not directly Living, I am being programmed, triggered, systematized – for few, it’s a pleasant experience due to their programming, but most of the humans are programmed to be really limited, insecure and gullible for temptations , fear and self-interest. Although the Mind is not bad – it’s an aspect, a reflection, a mirror.

Self – Mind – Existence – all are one and equal – but Self does not move, act, feel*(experience) directly, only through the database, processing computer, ‘artificial intelligence’ of the Mind Consciousness System.

Self here is referred as an Individual Life expression, which is unique yet not separate from all of existence. Just for specifying.

There is a self-definition, a self-virtualization, a self-reflection and self-awareness system living within each and every single human being’s head, body and mind.

This is might be the point to ask what’s the problem with this, am I nuts to question, I mean everyone exists like this probably, except some weird exceptions.

What’s the problem with Self-awareness, one might ask, but the question is how it’s related to Life-awareness? Am I, as Self, being aware of how I am related to All Life, what it means and who I am within this? Can I grasp and direct myself within this context and consider all Life equally or am I consumed and lost, deluded and imprisoned into self-interest?

Within my own exploration of living, I have realized that it’s so easy to fall into thinking for instance, wherein not I am thinking, but I am being exposed to thought-processes, what cause reactions, another thoughts, emotions, feelings and probably not always cause huge problems, but the truth is that if I look at it honestly, I have no idea when it’s absolutely right and when it’s completely delusional.
Especially when facing conflict within relationship for instance. Am I making things up or the other is indeed behaving not nicely? But if I keep thinking, virtually running scenarios, desiring positive scenarios, fearing from negative consequences, I am not fully here. Just try it, keep thinking heavily, even when you induce it, while in reality, you are absent.

Why anyone would participate within such act? Why not to remain always here, to just always know what’s right, what to do, what’s next? Is it too much to aim for? Where the doubt, insecurity, worry and fear comes from?

It’s implanted, pretty much a kind of sin of our fathers, an accumulated, manifested consequence of existence, mankind and what’s been before. That’s why, even when most of the people, individual beings seem so irrelevant, powerless and out of context – within the deepest – core of their life-essence-beingness level – each and every single being within existence are equally responsible for it’s current state and it’s direction towards what’s going to happen and come next.

Genesis 11:9

“Therefore its name is called Babylon, for there the LORD confused the language of the whole earth, and from there the LORD scattered them over the face of the whole earth.”

This actually means that everyone has their own interpretation, definition of words, and they try to live up to it, and when people speak, even when they try to do within the same country-language-dialect – there is difference, creating opportunity and space for misinterpretation, argument, confusion and conflict, but mostly delusion.

This is why the Journey to Life Process is required to walk it for years, to decompose our mind, definitions, words to see which is based, related to, infested with self-interest, fear or confusion – and within it’s various forms, for instance in my own case: submissive tendency towards relying points, things, people outside of me to hide the truth that I am insecure. Weird, yet quite a revelation to really see this through and to realize the real necessity to purify myself from the very core of my being.

In the biblical quote’s sense, forgiveness is not to be begged or prayed to, but to put on those LORD shoes on and become the unification of creator, created and creation trinity myself. That’s the greatest blasphemy and redemption at once: to become responsible for all of myself directly. Not to wait, hope for or desire after a savior but literally start saving myself.

Practical common sense is shining when I realize that WORDS are the building blocks of our World, thus the blogging, the self-investigation and look into the mirror through the words we consist of.

I’ve went a bit meta on this from my own point, but it’s relevant to walk it backwards to the origin point before walking self-correction.

The origin of my insecurity is the act and consequence of my submission to my own programmed energetic mind consciousness virtual self-reflection. But how?

Within the connection of equality and oneness with the want, desire and hope for a partner, relationship – I am submitting myself into the polarity design of positive and negative, strong and weak, good and bad.

Missing myself by existing within a sub-merged, sub-routine, sub-conscious existence.

What is one of the greatest assistance is a point, what’s really missed mostly here, is the physical, actual substance aspect of existence. Meaning, anyone can carol odes about the glorious consciousness, but it is to realize that the physical is superior than the mind consciousness, and the systematic manifestation of such mind consciousness is actually superior to us, humans. Just by looking at how limited humans can be, the very definition of ‘unconscious/subconscious’ mind narrates about the fact that we are unaware of how our consciousness work in the background, thus we are literally exposed and vulnerable are to the mind, which actually depends on physical energy, provided by the human physical body.

Many claim, consciousness flies forward, transfers and transcends physical death, the tales about reincarnation and ascension comes from various religious and belief-system-based lore, what lure insecure individuals to a false-clarity which can’t be cross-referenced, verified by living humans and the dead does not speak or if they seem to, it’s all twisted and limited.

That’s why the Portal is so unique – listen to what she says – and if there is knowledge, consider it, if applicable, try it out! It’s extraordinary! Sometimes it’s so casual and sounds very simple that I do not realize that it’s the most profound practical way to solutions, because I can have tendency to complicate, overthink and overreact, while the solution is right front of me.

What’s that solution then? Back to my point – certainly not enough to only realize that I am insecure, I should not be, let’s man up and stop it!

Well, actually it might be like that if I could apply it in the actual situations, BEFORE participating, not being carried away with the habits, reactions, but for being able to do so, I really-really need to know and understand how and why I am doing it to be able to stop – actually prevent myself re-creating the same pattern in real time application.

That’s the main reason I have stopped all spiritual practices, world-perceptions, beliefs – it’s not enough to meditate, to say mantra, to sing prays, to atone sins, to beg for mercy – I really need to understand my problem’s reality to the utmost specificity.

Many claim, well, while meditating, they have these realizations, ‘AHA’-moments, I know what they mean.
But to have a practical comparison, let’s consider what actually entails to walk the Desteni I Process course, to Apply Self-forgiveness and Writing down my mind-body-beingness relationship, to WORD down the perceptions, experiences, reactions and to decompose the patterns I constitute, to for-GIVE myself an opportunity to STOP participating, PREVENTING and thus being able to re-CREATE my starting point and action. It’s very…not only logical, but it’s pure practical common sense.

I know what it means to work on that pre-cognitive, no-thinking zen-animal-kind of state of mind, perpendicular to the polarity-based thinking – (example: What is Buddha – not consciousness, not Buddha – and the student contemplates on how Buddha can be Buddha AND not Buddha at the same time without consciousness? – and it’s like a muscle – I think so much, and then I let it go and then I realize – AHA – it’s beyond thinking).

But this is a limited approach, I did this for years – what one should ask is this:
Why am I afraid to name the things as they are, what is my problem with my words?
When I believed that if I do not define, I will be free of self-definitions, but the truth is that it’s not enough not to think – I mean, yes, when I was angry and suppressed unrealistic sexual desires and I sat down, said mantra all day – meanwhile I had no anger or desire – but once I stopped the mantra and went out – all came back.

So with no-thinking I do not change what’s already programmed on physical level into my mind-body-beingness relationship, it’s automatically living – not just the conscious mind needs to be transcended, but the subconscious, unconscious, the quantum mind, the physical mind as well – and for that one must be able to see and walk the ‘Matrix’ – which has building blocks of words. That’s why when I use words and I face extreme limitations – it’s not the words limit me, but how I approach, use, define and live those words – back to the original point – through the mind, not directly.

If I compare being able to word, describe and understand how I operate to for instance with to sit within meditation(say ‘om…’ mantra and let’s say imagining buddhas helping me or some consciousness liquid they flow into me to purify me or imagine floating energy balls along my spine or just simply imagining a lake’s surface becoming smooth and still) – it becomes obvious that words are the most direct way to understand and if I can’t apply them, that is my already existing limitation, which – also can be solved by investigating and decomposing, re-defining my own words.

So those ‘spiritual’ approaches are kind of cool and fun discipline and focus-practices, but if I look at my real world problem right now, about relationship, about financial points, about insecurity, about anything, what makes more sense? To describe the problems in order to be able to understand it or to close my eyes, go into a mental cave and imagine my spirit animal healing me?

It’s a choice, I get it, I’ve been there, it’s so tempting and vivid and really fascinating, but the truth is, my dearest, yet most brutal self-honesty about the years I’ve spent with these spiritual self-trixteries is that I was distracting, suppressing and escaping myself from directly facing my problems, myself and thus the solutions, because I need to change, and that’s scary, because beyond change there is Unknown. Even to fear to lose my limitations can be scary as ‘What if it will be worse than now?’

That’s why often people start applying Desteni and letting go all those things, when they hit rock bottom really hard. When you lose everything you are able to do anything.

And within this, the another brutal realization is that I already lost my integrity, self-honesty, absolute self-trust, that’s why I am not applying the most direct, practical ways to solve problems. And that’s tough, but the art and enjoyment, courage and effectiveness comes by not judging, punishing, shaming myself to petrification by looking what I have done and became – but to simply start accumulating understanding and action to stop, forgive and change.

I don’t mean to be rude with any spiritual people(in particular: Buddhist – just I personally participated within that for years, thus sharing my realizations), but it’s tough – to admit that there might be more effective way and I almost like wasted years – this realization can only come by becoming brutally honest with myself with asking – how much I am effectively dealing with problems with these things I participate within – is there any belief, hope I rely to, which is not Self Directly Here?

Effectiveness is important – our time here is not endless, no rush, but certainly the amount of progress should not be disregarded. That’s why needs to be measurable somehow. To accumulate something substantial, not just the amount of mantras I did, but the actual realizations, actions, changes.

And it’s crucial to answer honestly, because if I allow the luxury to lie about this – I will manifest consequences to show me equal and one of what I accept and allow. And that might include others too – and best cure is the prevention, to learn by realization, not by consequence with applying practical common sense.

I did not really learn like that in relation to partnership, thus I have manifested consequences, what were not the coolest, I must admit, but it’s also important not to stop by fear of mistakes, because it’s another self-honesty point to carefully decide, when shall I allow myself to make mistakes and learn the hard way, because it’s still better than not moving, expanding, learning and changing.

So, I will continue with decomposing these points. By writing down, I already create opportunity and direction to change and become able to draft a practical approach on how to live that, thus I can continue with that.

I might not always work on myself, sometimes I relax too, or get tired, sick or simply need to make money for surviving, but it’s always cool to find time and opportunity to understand more. I have even got accused that I only care about myself and how much I can talk about myself only. It’s not fun, I must admit, especially when revealing, exposing, even sharing these ‘flaws’ – but it’s encouraging to commit myself to fully understand and stop these patterns, thus change myself.

But the more I reveal, the more I see work to be done and it is my job to purify myself, there will be nobody who would do this for me. It is encouraging to see the Journey to Life social network groups, pages, where others share their blogs, vlogs, realizations, dishonesties and they also work to become more effective, liveable and enjoyable.

I often listen EQAFE audio interviews about understanding more about the mind, life and existence and if I make notes, it’s so easy to find points within to continue perfecting myself – yet keep balancing it with ‘going out there’ and living.

So, what I want to say is that I suggest everyone to have a notebook and start writing down points, realizations and things to open up when will have the opportunity, direction and commitment to stop a self-dishonest pattern.

And there is something unique within daring to share these realizations with the world – it’s an integrity and self-trust point: Yes, I admit, I have been living self-dishonestly, but I commit myself to stop and change, and I encourage everyone to do the same. And I do not hide the points I walk through, no secret mind, no protecting my weaknesses, I expose them, so can focus to solutions. And of course anyone see flaws, misunderstandings within my approach, please drop a feedback, I might miss something – that’s another great point about sharing – I might assist or encourage others, or someone also could support me within seeing more clearly.

Thank you very much