Day 352 – Seeing the Matrix : Relationships

IMG_0529It is crucial to realize – the very definition and expression of the word RELATIONSHIP – determines any and all I experience, create, form and participate with in this world – let it be with objects, animals or humans.

All what we do is relate. Interesting word itself: re-late                    re-late-I-on-ship.

To see the Matrix is not by taking mescaline or stare floating green unicode character sequences but to see the relationships we exist within. In this sense, that’s why this is true from that movie(I know, I love to quote from it):

“-The Matrix is everywhere, it is all around us, even now in this very room, you can see it, when you look out your window or turn on your television. You can feel it, when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes.
It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.
-What truth?
-That you are a slave, Neo. Like everyone else, you were born into bondage, born into a prison what you cannot smell or taste or touch. A prison for your mind.
Unfortunately no one can be told what The Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself.”

Relationships we exist within is all around us, even wherever you are right now, how you perceive, define, react to, judge, relate to – it’s everything.

See – it’s not mystery to realize – our own mind is The Matrix they refer to, and if it’s defined to manifest self-limitation, then that’s we become and act as naturally.

But it does not have to remain like that, our mind is a programmable system, reflects our awareness, direction, effort and consequence, thus can be decomposed, understood, re-designed, re-defined with relationships of words.

To be able to do so, one needs the specificity and the commitment: to see the very core of one’s relationships, and it is not always transparent as the human mind consciousness system has layers, which we are not entirely aware of.

It’s not taught in schools, parents are also unaware of it, even psychologists/psychiatrists are just scratching the surface, eastern gurus and ‘masters’ are often telling or doing ridiculously questionable things and they don’t provide a structured platform with practical common sense and clarity and it’s filled up with belief systems, rituals or religion, thus it does not make any sense to delve into those either.

I’ve been looking for the ‘truth’ for so long, read all kinds of books, visited events, groups all over the globe, and what I was always searching: my self-honesty, which is right here.

Luckily, the free online course Desteni I Process Lite contains the starter skill-set to be able to start working on self, through the layers of our minds and our beingness directly – with words, with relationships of words, the building blocks of our internal and external worlds to act and relate in the real, physical world as well.

I only ‘promote’ this course and library, because it assisted and supported me, thus might can do others as well, but everyone has to see for themselves and alone no one can walk this through, thus especially this platform is a great assistance with seasoned ‘buddy'(who reads your writings, answers your questions), have already walked their own mind maze for quite some years to be able to discover the basic components of the mind at least. There is no catch, it’s free – those who support with the course, are doing it in the principle of ‘give as you would like to receive’ and in this sense, they have also received support from someone else before, thus it’s natural to give ‘other‘ ‘self‘ within the same process of realization.

Throughout and disciplined method is required to bring all the information, definitions, imprints and programmings of those minds I consist of to become aware of, and that’s necessary to be able to really understand and become able to change the relationships, definitions and personality pillars.

It’s possible, many have proven that already, myself included with some major points(alcohol, drugs, fear of driving, fear of change, fear of commitment of relationship, etc) points(and still walking many other), thus it’s to realize – it is not really a choice to become Self-honest and to live that, but it is to become aware and live of who I really am as Life.

Also to note, that within Desteni and EQAFE research – there are significant amount of studies, description, education and support about how the mind and consciousness really work, and even beyond conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind layers, there are more to become aware of, such as the quantum mind and quantum physical levels, which of one, from a certain point of self-realization also has to be aware of and be able to work with to face deeper patterns, imprints and fears, physically manifested self-dishonesty and resistances to stop. Just mentioning to see – process takes time but once one starts walking with commitment and consistency, change soon will substantiate.

“Although process seem to be forever – it is in fact always one breath away from total change.” – Bernard Poolman

So – relationship. A crucial point as permeates everything, thus if I have any fear, projection, judgement about relationship – I might have a chance to be influenced on a resonant level to manifest ‘secondary’ self-dishonest patterns and behaviors as well. That’s why I decompose and forgive any self-accepted ‘contamination‘ of fear and selfishness, spite or any emotion basically.

Seems a bit ‘obsessed’ to ‘work’ on self so much, I know – I used to think, back in my ‘good old days’, when I just took the psychedelics, meditated for emptiness, repeated mantras, danced for many-many hours to acquire a piece of mind, an inner peace, a solace for at least a while, before falling back into the grinder of my thoughts/emotions/feelings.

It takes years to really-really change. No workaround, but once I substantiate a profound awareness, understanding and practical direction – that’s real. It remains.

The variety of Relationships I participate within is surprisingly not much: primarily many would associate it with partnership = boyfriend+girlfriend scenario, but if we really look at it – everyone has a lot of relationships besides that:

  • What is my relationship with my family?
  • My boss, my neighbor, my government, my cat, my body, myself?

If I really look at it honestly, I should be able to describe each of these or any other relationships I find myself within.

That’s power – to be able to word it: awareness.
What I can’t word: should raise the question: Why?

Am I resisting to honestly describe my actual relationship with the person/thing? Why?

And voila: another relationship I start to see: the self-accepted resistance I exist with(in).

Am I not understanding what I feel, experience or see within the relationship I can’t describe with words?

Or simply I just don’t feel the necessity to word it – am I really the one what does not feel, or my mind tells me and I just accept it to have the delusion of self-direction, confidence, peace? These are serious questions for everyone who seeks clarity and understanding.

Not everyone needs reason why ‘loves’ someone or something, as many even believe ‘reasoning’ is buzzkill for feelings, but then how can I be sure that the feeling remains the same if I am not even aware of what’s actually it is? Or is it just to follow and enjoy until it lasts?
And many build families, raising children on these, and they wonder why their family turns into a soap opera with lots of drama.

So, to become aware of relationships to see what’s self-honest, what supporting and what’s not: it’s the very definition of everyone’s responsibility.

My own point with relationships: I have the tendency to submit myself into relationships, partnership, friendship, family – because I find myself ‘defined’ within it and through that I feel compelled to project out that if I don’t, then I am not good enough. I had several long term relationships before, but I have concluded each of them as ‘failure‘, because they all ended one way or another, and I see the want and desire to establish one what lasts.

Immediately seeing the point of wanting something to ‘last forever’, a refugee outside of self to rely to – and when it’s existence is endangered, to compromise myself, to submit, and this also brings insecurity.

See – whenever I share some of these ‘personality flaws’ – I do not feel ashamed or fear of being judged, or rejected – because once I name the problem, I can resolve it, and not that I am proud what I find within, but it’s courage to share, because this is what I am not going to accept but change within me, thus accumulating integrity: for myself primarily, but others as well.

That’s why it’s imperative to not only see the person in front of ourselves of who is the person today, but where she/he comes to what direction as well. So easy to get personal and judge and define, box and exclude someone based on a point they are currently walking, reacting to, figuring out, and they might just walk through in a week and unfolds to someone completely new – or doesn’t. The point is to see how can I assist and support myself and others equally within my and their process the most practical way.

Also to ask and answer: why I would ‘blindly’ ‘commit myself’ into a relationship what is not practical, and not realizing it, and thus not working it out?

For a while in my life, which was around at least a decade ago – I engaged into dating, mating, partnership in a way, which I can only describe: irresponsible, ‘not serious’, ‘playing around’, ‘having fun’ – and I obviously did not know that I still cause consequences and even worse: I judge myself, define myself and actually trap myself based on my judgments, experiences, behavior patterns and until I do not forgive and really change these within me: these will ‘haunt’ me as who I accepted and allowed myself to be.

Not something one would be particularly proud of, however I understand: it was a period of my life, I was kind of trying to find myself not being lost, so currently if I look back, I’d say it’s alright. However. Maybe consciously I understood and ‘forgiven’ – on resonant/physical behavior, emotional level, certainly not, because: lack of awareness of specificity. The devil is in the details, until I do not word exactly down these patterns, trigger points, reactions, their origin, played out consequence, my judgments, reactions, associations, automatic follow-up actions, etc: I am still automatically acting these out, thus the Self-forgiveness, thus the writing as support.

After looking into this: have to realize: I am compensating – I used to be ‘careless’ – now ‘caring too much’, meaning manifesting: worry, insecurity, submission – which is actually projecting out: control. Meaning, believing that the other is controlling, while I actually try to, based on worry and desire to ‘save’, but based on a twisted perception. Everybody loses in the long term. Must be self-corrected.

See – The Matrix – is relationships.

To be continued…

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Day 351 – About Self-forgiveness

Just an impromptu share on how assisting Self-forgiveness is – recording from last night. I apply it every day and it’s the quintessence of the betterment of the human with responsibility, integrity and actual love.sft1

to learn it and live change for betterment:
http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 350 – Intense realizations with body support

Sometimes when facing a deeper, unconscious self-dishonest pattern to be able to understand and stop, can have these intensified emotional and physical moments and experiences. Sharing about how I am dealing with it and supporting myself with body awareness and applying self-forgiveness to stop the self-dishonest patterns I have been existing as until now. talvlonov7

Self-changing free online course:
http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Understanding how the mind consciousness works:
http://eqafe.com

Self and Living LIFE COACHING videos:
https://www.youtube.com/user/SelfAndLiving/videos

Day 349 – Word Relationship

IMG_3474Continuing on decomposing, forgiving and transcending my relationship -and in a way love-related misinterpretations, misalignments and self-dishonesty.

Tonight I had quite an overwhelming set of realizations during my Quantum Change Kinesiology session as received so specific support and I suggest everyone to consider to book for a session as it’s so direct and clear.

I have created quite a road-map and plan on how I am going to forgive, correct and change all the points I’ve been supported to become aware of, and this is how and where I start.

The pattern today I work on – although in my last blog I mentioned the word Abandoned – I also had to realize, in a way I have been abandoning my self-honesty, which I have to embrace and actually create and it beings with the word relationship.

Already having a lot of new insight and understanding about the mistakes and patterns I’ve made, but I do not have regret, although at this point I am uncertain of how much consequences I’ve created, but definitely making the best of learning from my already made mistakes as they have revealed quite a lot of things to be self-corrected and re-defined.

So. RELATIONSHIP.

Here comes a random associative self-forgiveness of what I see currently, thus starting to structure the direction of with I substantiate the realizations I started to see.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize and understand of what associations, definitions, expectations and convictions I’ve attached to the word Relationship, and within that not being aware of what I feed within my energetic mind unconsciously, wherein, whenever I relate to, think about, talk or act about relationship, I also energize, ‘light up’ in my mind these associations without me being aware of it, thus accumulating reactions, behavior, whole personality manifestations, which I would believe, describe and live out as who I would perceive myself to be, meanwhile it’s all just accumulation of structured self-definition statements, beliefs and hopes.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within relationship I have to sacrifice parts of myself, aspects I would believe I could only live as being alone, and thus relationship is about submitting myself for something I believed as ‘greater good’ and within that not realizing that whenever I am giving up on myself – it’s self-separation, thus it’s self-dishonesty, self-abuse, thus should be a wake-up call warning of what I participate within is self-dishonest, thus I should stop and start investigating to understand to the utmost specificity.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have defined relationship as something where I have to give up freedom, self-will and independent stability in order to be able to mold into this entity of ‘being part of a relationship’ and within that not realizing that relationship is just a bigger structure of parts of ‘atomic’ already existing relationships, wherein I only can consist of a relationship with someone or something, as an already existing relationship with myself here, which then influences, determines the outcome of the greater relationship I start to participate within and thus not realize the responsibility to sort out all dishonesty I accept with myself first and whatever I experience as projection/blame to the ‘greater/external’ relationship as something not , should be also reflected back to self here.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to submit into things in a way of self-sacrifice and defining it as honorable and ego-less, and not realizing that if I sacrifice my self-honesty, it’s definitely an ego as there is a reason for why I would give up on myself, especially with a belief and self-conviction of that this is actually good, and that’s how relationship could work, meanwhile I am submissive only in order to compensate a fear, an insecurity and thus wanting the ‘relationship itself’ to secure me, to fulfill me, to elevate and make me whole and within this, not realizing that anything separated from self can’t do anything really for me, except to be less stable and honest, confused and lost.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define relationship as something I have to make it work, no matter what, and within that not realizing that I am not looking at relationship as self-expression, but as separate from self, and thus it’s all superficial and projected, and I focus to the consequence, the creation of consequence, instead of the source, which is that how I define and maintain my relationship with the word and definition, expression and living of: relationship itself within myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I fear from relationship not working out, because that I would automatically judge/define/react to as that I am failed within relationship, because I have failed to make it work, therefore I am failed, therefore I am nothing – and within these thought-processes not realizing that I value relationship more than self here, thus making it superior than myself, unconsciously, yet deliberately, not directly, thus obviously and within that automatically positioning myself into inferiority, submission.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that due to my memories and judgements of my past in relation to relationship, I do not want to fail relationship and within that starting point creating my primary relationship with ‘relationship’ itself through fear, fear of failure, fear of loss and not understanding that this is self-dis-empowerment and self-denial and not realizing how and why I actually do it – such as believing that within relationship I could become something greater, and not realizing that I will still be who I express myself here at this moment, thus I should not stop decomposing and forgiving the self-dishonest patterns I constitute of.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have defined myself as too proud, stubborn and selfish within my past and my past relationships and and currently still holding to this idea of this is who I am, although I have changed already, but not allowing to live out that change as mentally still ‘being stuck’ in that past, instead of forgiving myself of what I did in the past and thus allowing and directing myself to let go and really change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within judging my past relationships as failures(because I am not within any of those anymore) I am accepting a fear of failing the current/next as well, instead of standing up to any, slightest, smallest reaction of fear and make my stand and forgive myself for what I have accepted and allowed to do and/or not do.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have misinterpreted relationship and points relation to it as something to blame and not realizing that it’s all within my starting point and if I do not reflect back to self all I project out to relationship itself, I am making a fool of myself by fighting with my own shadow as any problem I encountered was not about the relationship or partner, but who I tried to deny about myself, thus creating this separation, this inferiority and false need to sacrifice myself.

Bringing back to Self all relationship-related mind-thought/emotion-tentacles is common sense here.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, a lot to uncover and correct, but it’s time to rest.

If I look into myself – no energetic movements at the moment. Some slight resistance to breathe naturally, I need to push, move myself, but it’s actual self-movement – breathe in, embrace all of existence, hold, no movement, silence, darkness – then out breath, equalizing self with all what’s here, then again – breathe in, embrace and direct.

Lot of physical experiences I perceive, just as sleepiness too – but this time not by unconscious resistance to face a point within self, but actual physical tiredness.

It’s great to do all I can today, so tomorrow can continue as well. Still a lot to correct, but one breath at a time.

Day 348 – Rejection, Blame and Help

IMG_5972I look at these points today:

  1. Fear of rejection, blame
  2. Facing unknown, asking for help

Fear of rejection

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being rejected as defining it that it means I am unworthy, not good enough, I did something horrible, I am bad person and within these self-judgments not realizing that these come up automatically by the word of rejection, without looking at the situation, what happened, how it happened, why it happened.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being rejected as then I would automatically fall into self-judgement of I am not good enough/bad/horrible and within that fear I focus on not being rejected and by that starting point I am not fully here within self-expression, but always looking at angles of how and why I could become rejected and working against it, and within that actually making it real without realizing it.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I fear from being rejected by myself, meaning when I am being triggered with the word ‘rejected‘ – by someone else for instance, then I do judge myself as ‘rejected’ and thus automatically defining myself as not good enough/bad, etc, and then I fall into that anger and self-hate, which I do not like, as if it happens I believe that it’s true, meaning all my life was mistake and I am failure and within all these not realizing that it’s a domino effect in my mind, one triggers another from something real going into totally surreal.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the petrifying fear of being rejected was always self-accepted within me, and within last years I did not face, experience it because I made myself believe that I do not care, there is nothing or noone who I would care about, of if I would be rejected, I would not care or matter for me, and all of a sudden here is someone and something I care for, would like to walk towards, expand with and walk into as my life, and facing extreme fear from rejection and within that not realizing that this fear of rejection was constantly within me, just I have suppressed it and I justified why I should not care before, and made my life to automatically avoid situations of this fear of rejection to be triggered, just now I obviously could not make myself believe that I don’t care as I do actually.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have tendencies to judge myself without realizing it, without recognizing the trigger points, without experiencing the energy rush, the disconnect from physical presence, breath and self-direction.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that judging myself, fearing from being rejected by myself or others is doubt and giving up on myself as within something happens and I define that I am done, I have fallen, and I believe that I can’t learn from it, I can’t realize, I can’t change, I can’t grow, prevent and solve – meanwhile if I look at things with common sense, the exact point I am facing – there might be actual solution, just I do not look, as busy focusing to reactions instead of solution itself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that it’s ok if someone rejects me as it might be just the best practical and supportive decision and action for the person to do and within not liking, defining as bad for me, I actually disregard the other within this equation, situation as instead of first to look at how and why the other made this decision, I immediately focus to my own interest, which is not to be rejected, but embraced, accepted.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I fall into despair and self-judgement any and every time I am being rejected by others, then I am basically ready to give up my decision, plan, motivation, direction on any resistance, difficulty or mistake, meanwhile also to recognize that it does not mean to completely disregard what others react/communicate/want, and yet still keep pushing, but it is to recognize that my approach might needs adjustment or simply to accept that what I want might not work in this specific scenario – the point is there is no rule, law, algorithm, what could be applied, but each time I must be reality aware and self-honest and thus make decision and action accordingly.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that being rejected does not mean that who I am is worthless, thus to accept to blame and bash myself whenever rejection comes into context as it is self-abuse, which I commit myself to stop.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not judge or punish myself when I am being rejected, then I might become psychopath and someone who does not care about what others want or not want and I would become this person who forces his will to others and within that not realizing that who I really am as Life expression, when and as I am present and self-directive, self-honest and considerate, I do not force myself to others, which I actually know already, thus this is an excuse to keep hooked on self-judgmental thoughts, energetic experiences, which I realize I have to stop, prevent and purify from myself completely.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from become a big ego and selfish person if I do not regulate and judge myself within with thoughts, feelings and emotions, and within that not realizing that these patterns are very limited forms of expression and all related to doubt and fear, thus any occurrence of these appear, I should self-investigate and take responsibility for stopping and re-aligning within direct action.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized my fear-based relationship with rejection, and my tendency to deny/suppress and avoid it by not trying to accomplish, achieve, get done things what I was not absolutely sure about that I will do/achieve/succeed – and thus not expanding, but remaining within my self-limitation cage to prevent myself facing and triggering the experience of rejection.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if someone rejects me, my idea, my approach, my plan, my proposal, etc – does not mean that I should fall into total self-doubt, fear and reaction of fear of loss, fear of fear and start judging myself as worthless and lost, but to realize that I did an approach and that approach in that specific situation did not work, that is all.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I gotta let this fear go and embrace rejection, to also see – it’s okay to be rejected, and the relevant thing is how I handle/understand/use this rejection for practical application.

  • When and as I am about to face a possibility, option, chance for rejection, I realize, remind myself that it’s OK to be rejected, I trust myself and I focus to do the best I can, which means also not worrying, fearing of rejection.
  • When and as I participate within fear of rejection, abandonment, I stop reacting and I snap out of it, I breathe, I re-align physically, and I look at the source of my rejection, what I should focus to apply the best practical way possible.
  • When and as I fear from being rejected by someone, I realize that I can have tendency to judge myself, to push and banish myself, thus I recognize this pattern and I do not give into it.
  • When and as I think that I am rejected, I stop judging myself as I am bad/not good enough, I take a deep breath immediately and I re-align with body awareness and embrace the fact that I am rejected, it’s about my approach within that situation, not entirely as who I am, thus I allow and direct myself to remain at the center of my being, within self-direction, self-trust and self-honesty and to accept it what it is and also to consider it might not entirely about me but of course the other is also walking their process and facing points, applying the best possible decision for their life, which is also to be respected in a way as I would like to be respected equally.
  • I commit myself to not go into self-judgement and self-punishment reactions when I am about to or being rejected and to focus for reality awareness, to understanding of specificity of the situation and to look for options and the decision of what I find as best practical approach from this point and moment now.
  • I commit myself to not give into the domino effect of from rejection to self-hate and suppression of anger, but to snap out of this chain-reaction at the beginning and when I inevitably see that I am about to or being rejected, I accept it, I do not judge, I embrace it and I remain present, unwavering and directive.
  • I commit myself to decompose all patterns, associations, personality traits in relation to rejection and within self-honesty to remove, stop, change all aspects what are tainted with, influenced by, controlled through fear and I let go the fear energy and experience.
  • I commit myself to develop self-trust and self-integrity, self-honesty and clarity when facing others, when asking for something I resist – and to consider rejection but not in an energetic reaction way, but as a valid option within the situation, thus use imagination constructively, not destructively as based on fear, but by really be aware of all practical options with respect.
  • I commit myself to always respect other’s decision and action to reject something from me as realizing, that’s maybe the best decision for the person and all I can do is to share, communicate more if I see that as reasonable to support the other to understand, but ultimately, it’s their choice to accept or reject me or my proposal or my offer or my support or myself in overall and I focus to ensure that I do all I can and see where that takes.
  • I commit myself to see/realize and understand that as I also reject something or someone sometimes, it’s also can be ok if I am being rejected and I should learn from it and to see what I can do better next time if the opportunity would present itself.
  • I commit myself to, if applicable, to not give up after one or more rejection(s), if it is something I am absolutely certain about that it’s the best for all participants.
  • I commit myself to realize that if someone keeps resisting me or my offer/action, etc, then it’s proving the situation to be obviously something I should re-consider, re-align, release, based on practical common sense.

BLAME

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the person who rejects me as projecting my self-anger towards someone who I try to project responsibility for, because I am not taking it, I am not applying it, thus I should take it all back to Self, Here.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever blame anyone or anything within this world and not realizing that it’s giving my power away as allowing myself to remain convinced that who I blame is/are the responsible, not me, thus also believing that I have no power over things.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify blaming someone by righteousness and not wanting to admit any mistake I might have made, but within the possession of blame and righteousness, I don’t even know if I made mistake or not, as if I would not like to know and then face the fact that I might have(made mistake).
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for experiences I am having within myself about rejection and not realizing that everything I feel within my thoughts, feelings and emotions are due to my own permissions, my own initiative, my own responsibility, and if I keep I project out this responsibility to others, I have no power over what’s going on within myself, thus I am just a puppet of my self-accepted personality patterns of fear.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have never looked at all the vast scale of experiences I can have within myself, from low to up, from enjoyment to resistances, from confusion to clarity – and did not realize that I can own all of these and to stand as unified and responsible and to see and understand that I cannot experience feel or think anything I would not give permission within myself to do, thus if I feel that I am being influenced to feel anyhow by someone else, it’s because I created automatic behavior in my mind to behave according to events, trigger points, experiences and if by anything I give into worry, fear, specifically fear of loss, fear of rejection, that means I must stop participate within these patterns and re-align with practical common sense and to look at reality, work with facts and become aware of what’s really happening here in the physical realm, where I can really work with others and actual events, not just within my mind to react and then to react to my reactions while trying to cope with what’s going on around me.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that until I do not take responsibility for all my life, events, experiences, then I have no chance to stand up and have ability to direct the things around me as I would always find a way to justify why I am the prey, the victim, the one who was hurt by forces outside of self, and this is self-defeat, self-dishonesty and self-diminishment, thus I commit myself to stop, prevent myself to blame or run from responsibility.

I am responsible for all the experiences, emotions, thoughts and feelings I am accepting and allowing, creating and accumulating within me and thus I stand up to them as self-reflection and to embrace without judgement, I understand without justification, I stop without reaction and I re-align without fear.

Leap of faith, stepping into the unknown

Each time I walk into something new, I am going to face an aspect of myself, which is not yet known, that’s why it’s new.
But in a sense, every day is new, even when I am within a perception of timeloop, when every day going to work, of a similar pattern repeating, actually there is structural similarity, but if I really look at it and into myself without judgement or reaction, each day is completely new, including opportunities, challenges and points to expand with.

I am grateful that I have the decision, the ability and the self-direction to change my life to something new and I am grateful for everyone who supported or still supports me, for those who I can thank for, I do, for those who I can’t directly thank to – I commit myself to not take it entirely personally and naturally express myself in a way of give as I have been received as I would like to receive.

In this world, where resources and opportunities seem so limited, it’s great to initiate and give if I am capable of – and it’s not even about money or material giving, but attention, just to be there for others or letting them know that I can be ‘here’ for them for anything they would require.

It’s something what I had to learn the hard and long way that if there is difficulty, it’s OK to accept and hell yes! to ASK for support as well – I was totally convinced that it’s the worst thing to ask for help as it means that I am weak and fool, compromised and vulnerable, but as I have learned more and more about how things are working in this world, without actual and personal judgement, I was fool not to accept support even when could have been great!

As it’s never about me, myself only, but everyone in my reality, close ones, more distanced ones, the whole humanity and existence as a whole in a way! And the sooner I can stand up, the quicker the world becomes a better place.

I was also convinced that it worth more if I do solve/stand up/help myself alone, because then I was the one, who did it, no one can say that it was not me, who helped myself, and also I was able to really prove that I am alone good enough.

So there can be seen a fear of not being good enough and the addiction possession to need to prove within this mind-possessive state of ‘me against the world’.

Whether we accept or not – humans are social beings and we are slightly or more directly all interconnected, thus to look at it by ‘me‘ – is quite limited – the opposite of being smart actually.

Intelligence does not mean it’s always advantage, especially if emotions and worries can cloud one’s mind, thus slowing down, stepping out from the chain of thoughts and energies, having a breath, a sip of water and to apply practical common sense is always the best action.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize and understand when I am stuck and not progressing, expanding, growing, releasing and really living in relation to a point or in general and within that not admitting that I could accept for some advice, support or help, but I do not want it, because then I would think that I am weak or incapable to help myself and within that not realizing it’s not about me but to be able to stand up as Life as effectively as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those who seem like they could and/or should ask for assistance, support, but they don’t and within that not realizing that I judge what I also am responsible for, therefore I do commit myself to always check, if I can really solve something and if not at the moment or would take too much time/effort, then I ask for support, assistance, to just open up to someone and share and within that might realize more.

I forgive myself that I feel rejected within offering my support and assistance to someone who does not want it, because thinks that it’s weakness and does not want to be compromised by that and thinking that it’s not the smartest thing due to pride and ego, and not realizing that also for me took quite significant amount of time and work on myself to realize that it’s the best practical common sense to always check if it’s suitable and self-honest to ask for support, help or just to open up.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I offer support or assistance to someone, I should first check if I need any support for me and am I able to stand firmly within that offering, commitment to support through the other until it’s necessary, within responsibility and self-honesty.

I commit myself to assist and support myself and if required, to ask for support and share as it’s OK for everyone to not walk this process of self-realization alone, especially as the mind can be tricky thing as the master of self-deception reflection, thus it’s always great idea to cross-reference all the information I/we perceive, think or being convinced of as sometimes it’s too late or some point to walk or realize would take too much time or opportunities would pass.

That’s it for today.

I have found a great support series about ‘abandoned‘ and fear of abandonment and self-forgiveness and standing up and related things I can open up within self. So I am currently listening and working on this point and will share soon of what I have realized.

  1. https://eqafe.com/p/abandoned-atlanteans-part-478
  2. https://eqafe.com/p/abandoned-part-2-atlanteans-part-479
  3. https://eqafe.com/p/abandoned-self-forgiveness-and-correction-atlanteans-part-480
  4. https://eqafe.com/p/abandoned-conclusion-atlanteans-part-481

Day 346 – Standing up as LIFE

IMG_9174Ok, I have found a deeper point and thus real solution to my fear, worry and emotional instability issues. Its pretty awesome.

I have been working on the redefinition of the word: LOVE – it takes some time and one would ask why to redefine words, aren’t they just fine? Not necessarily if I go up and down with emotions, worry and hope, conviction or doubt, fear and desire and it’s all just like a roller-coaster – then it’s an indication of that my ‘program code’ of my words to live out are not ‘optimal’, neither for me and others – thus a re-evaluation, often a decomposition and re-alignment, re-definition is required within self-honest investigation.

Do I live the words as I define them, as I want to live them, is that really the best for me and others how I live them?

I had to admit, for me, many words are ‘contaminated’ with fear, polarity of self-interest-based positive and negative associations, desire, doubt, hope and a lot of memories about what went wrong.

Humans have the tendency to have a LOT in the mind, and often what can happen is that what I think is not the same as what I say and also not the same of what I do. And that’s a problem, because it shows the split, the separation and distortion among aspects of myself as wanting different than saying and doing, and thus my words have no much power.
If I think that my crazy, worrying, doubtful, desiring thoughts are not related to reality, to who I actual become, then I must be a fool – it’s the same analogy, when someone thinks it’s overpriced when TV asks ten million dollars for 10 seconds of advertisement during the biggest sport game broadcast. No. Words – and images have influence and relevance. What does this mean?

If I have doubtful thought, abusive, or worrysome – it is influencing my beingness, my actions and reality’s greatest law does the rest: accumulation. Everything accumulates, from smallest bits up to world-changing forces. 1+1=2. This is the greatest force and I can apply it to my own participation to words and actions as well. Accepting a doubtful thought, just once every day – will have fruit one day manifesting real doubt.

That’s why I focus on specific words, what are relevant in my life, to check, what this word means, what says the dictionary, how can I live it without polarity, without self-interest, how could I live this that is best for others around me and myself too – and thus to ensure that I am not giving chance to doubt, self-judgement and fear when living this word.

So, since I have started new relationship with someone months ago, I have been looking this word: LOVE from multiple angles.

What is my starting point is How to live REAL LOVE, what is not superficial, not of the mind, not of energies, feelings, emotions, but something deeper, something more lasting and more ‘physical’ in terms of actions should speak louder than thoughts or words.

Within our group, as it’s referred – Desteni – (as we are taking our destiny into our own hands) – there are some Principles as guideline starting points to support self-reflection of who I should accept myself to be and become. About LOVE I quote:

The Principle of Making Love Real – Nurturing and honouring the utmost potential in every individual (including myself) wherein love is not a feeling or emotions, but an action that is lived by doing whatever is necessary to support without compromising myself or the other – without fear of “losing” the relationship or the feelings associated to love, and without accepting or allowing less than my own or my partner’s utmost potential.
(more at : http://desteni.org/about-us#anchor-BLOCK_8432 )

What I am defining:
Within my actions I should live love as care, as support, as To Give as I would like to receive.

Love can be deception, delusion, distraction and total selfishness as well but just as any words, love as a word is not the problem here, but my relationship with it, the definition and the way of how I try to manifest and live it in this world.

My realization is not new, however within focusing recently a bit too much on the word LOVE, for a looooong moment, I disregarded the concept, meaning, principle of LIFE.

Bernard Poolman once raised the question: What would you choose? Love or Life? What these do actually mean?

Within seeking the experience and pursuit of LOVE – I submit to fear, fear of loss and fear of fear.

Within Standing up as Life – I stand as Equality and Responsibility as Do onto others as would like others to do onto me.

I was within worry and fear, thus I was unable to really LIVE LOVE, as I was afraid that fear permeated into my perception and expression.

I was within the temptation of Fear and Love, while I am currently re-aligning, re-standing up as Life, as Equality, thus I can become equal with worry and fear and thus STOP it as part of myself, reunited into and as myself.

This is the best practical way to stop worry and fear, to let go the old definition of emotion-based Love and Stand up as Life as thus re-defining how to live Real Love as Life. Cannot be more simple as this.

Within LOVE – I choose Oneness with those who I love, god, family, friends, etc

however

As LIFE – I express Equality, with all.

It’s really simple common sense.

My worry was originated from my emotion-based definition of relationship and love.

I focus to Principle as LIFE as Give as I would like to receive.

If I worry of my love and feelings will not help, last, matter, I am in fact within self-interest, thus re-alignment is required, to let go what I fear and desire and to stand up to and as ALL LIFE EQUALLY. Absolutely mindblowing.

If this seem like some semi-street-wise spiritual mumbo-jumbo, it is not. It’s pretty practical:

I was trying to stop worry and fear and somewhere I knew that these are just symptoms, I kept sorting them out but they kept coming back and a week ago I had to realize that I am starting to live out a nightmare and after applying self-forgiveness and listening an interview with Bernard Poolman about Angels and Demons and Love and Life – and what I have mentioned within my last blog: Waking Up from a Living Nightmare from EQAFE – I just snapped out of this emotional possession and the re-alignment and relief was quite instant. Still can creep back some worry, but then I vigorously re-align as Principle as Life and from that perspective, I do not need love, I do not worry, I do not fear, but to see what I can directly DO and ACT based on common sense.

If someone does not want me or to be with me – it’s fine – I am Life, how could any worry help with that anyway?
What I can do to change that – should I change it, what happened and why? I investigate, with common sense and if that’s the other’s decision – as I look if all I did, am still doing and going to do to LIVE my openness to the other and then if I really see – did I do all I could and the other still would not want it – I gotta let it go and focus to what’s ahead.

Worry and fear is a sin. Not as sins are real, but in terms of self-honesty: fear is self-dishonesty. Leads to accumulate and manifest things not the best for me and/or all either.

If someone needs support and I worry that things would go wrong – I re-align and purify myself first, and then to look what I can do and committing myself to do all I can. See – if there is place for worry – I am not doing all I could, thus re-alignment is required.

I don’t say Love is bad, I rather re-align my definition of Love as Life! Not limiting but embracing, not fearing but freeing up and let it Live in Physical Action, not just as a feeling, an emotion, but as Living Word.

If people decide to share their life with each other – mutually – that is Life – their love, from both individuals should be the Living Action, not feelings and worries. If Fear is accepted within anyone – that is poisonous and should not be accepted.

Trust is also relevant in this context – what do I choose to trust within? Why would I choose anything other than self directly here? Any entity, definition or force which is not equalized as me as equal as one with and as myself in and as this physical reality seems like a distraction as influences my ability to see directly what’s here – to be able to apply the best practical solution for the problems I encounter.

In a way – what is also an interesting point to open up – that by falling into worry – I had this belief that it’s the way to show that I care, as I value something so much, that within that self-created relationship – I value the thing I value more than value myself as Life here, and that relationship can have condition and that condition can change, thus come and go, and within that – I am dependent, I am relying, I am controlled. That also self-separation through fear. Should not be self-allowed, but self-corrected instantly at it’s appearance within.

Let me clarify – to step out of this halo of love energy into real action – directly, with self-moving awareness, step by step – can also bring up a sort of resonant fear – as I face literally the UNKNOWN – of and as Self – but it’s encouraging to discover that there is something much-much greater beyond Love energy and it is LIFE.

And to stand up as all as life as equal as one as me, it’s individual expression – I can not fall or really die as I am equal with creation and that is where the real deal starts to make sense and the true understanding of existence can start to reveal.

I will continue to explore this and I am grateful for all who support me with embracing or rejection, sharing or disregarding, love or hate – it makes sense and I continue to walk through all fear and worry, self-dishonesty and doubt.