Day 496 – Instant Gratification

This is about my instant gratification to decompose and start releasing.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to always get things done quickly, even when it is crucial to do something slowly but surely, continuously, in the starting point of fear of I am too late, it must be done in an instant because of the fear that if I can’t do it now, maybe in the future I won’t be able to or thing would change and I would lose THIS OPPORTUNITY.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as opportunist, which, I’ve defined as I flow through life and when I am presented with an opportunity IN THIS MOMENT, I grab it – yet when an opportunity is not about conquering it in one go, let it be during two breaths or a week, I lose the ‘inspiration’ to continue with the action as get ‘re-inspired’ by something else, which is distraction and within that also realizing, in these situations I did not establish Clarity and Direction, which indicates that within these circumstances I do not trust myself entirely.
  • I forgive myself that I have not been critical and decisive about my mind to work on revealing the extent of I am allowing to live without Clarity and Direction and not admitting that in those moments I am not really HERE, rather I am silently echoing in my mind which results in animating my body according to impulses and residue reactions, judgments, energetic experiences being triggered from past because of the inherent indoctrination I have allowed to overcome me with not absolutely clarifying in each moments of what is My Clarity and Direction in this moment – resulting in falling back to patterns I have already noticed that do not support me or others around me because I am not fully here, I am reactive and I am acting upon opportunities find me, which is in layman terms waiting and hoping.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have the ability to clarify myself in every single moment and not even clarifying how to clarify myself, because I have not done it yet, no one around me physically doing something like that or at least I am not aware of thus far – and in order to remain consistent within this starting point, I need to be able to be here in the first place, meaning I might have thoughts within my head occasionally, but in those moments I see that this is what I have accepted to become, yet I can re-align, if I am here with breath, in the moment of the inner reaction appears by understanding, this is a mirror mechanism to support birthing my clarity within physical expression.
  • I forgive myself that I allowed my observation to become a judgment in my mind about ‘no one does like this’ – revealing that I am relying to do something more likely if seeing others doing it, instead of INITIATING when I see this is good, without any other reason – and through that initiation to realize my power in expressed action of something new, regardless of anything or anyone, because this is what I see as being honest to myself – yet still hesitating based on fear of failure or rejection or demise – instead of realizing that I have proven to myself multiple times that I can Stand.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define enjoying intensity, me being intense and relying to intensity in order to break through patterns what I have defined I could not break through with slow, yet consistent pace.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed to realize that how biological life works, which is slow yet consistent, always decisive direction, when it can, which means that in order to really change, it’s not something I can just switch-flip, but needing to amalgamate into my every moment living – otherwise it becomes part of a polarity design to balance out my existence and starting point in and as the mind consciousness system.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that consistency is a decision to be made, when it comes to how I am approaching and expressing physical living and within that not admitting that I have the ability to transform decisions into plans, techniques and practical appliances, therefore the fact that I am struggling with consistency shows that I have not yet established that decision to remain here with me, because of the stimulation, distraction and the tendency I’ve allowed to steer my decisions towards instant changes, solutions, interventions and within those moments falling into the preoccupation of getting high of a perceived instant gratification and not seeing that I allow to trust that experience more than my clarity and direction – revealing that my clarity and direction, even when it seems or feels, experienced as clear and stable, I have the tendency to stumble down when for instance a specific thought-chain arises in my mind – I just react to that and getting sucked in and it’s too late when realizing it, already I am in reaction to do something what came up as distraction and not using ALL available supporting tools to overcome this, because
  • defining it as ‘this is something what is going to take time, so be patient and enjoy the ride’ and within that not admitting that this is an excuse not standing up as not admitting which I already am aware of, that awareness is not a switch that I can turn on and off but it is about my Location within Process and the Physical and the only way to navigate through this maze is self-honesty, to be direct and intimate with myself to be able to decide, when an absolute, uncompromising stance is necessary, which immediately assists me to keep standing by putting myself HERE with BREATH, and something what I am not fully aware of yet seeing importance to keep accumulating based on principle, not experience.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to instant gratification through experiences, let it be anything, and keep falling back to specific activities to support this type of approach to living – and not realizing that this is because I allow to believe that experiences matter more than facts, because in the mind there is nothing else but experience.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe that experience matters, because I experience it, therefore it becomes my primary approach to be able to de-prioritize physical facts, or only those to focus to what with I can have specific experiences and not seeing that this is because I define that thoughts, feelings and emotions are more relevant than my silent, quiet, empty mind observations and realizations.
  • I forgive myself that I have not admitted that eating food what tastes good but no nutritional value or containing not-life-supporting substances, because it’s quick, easy and can be done instantly, when I find myself being hungry and not wanting to spend more time to do it the way what is actually healthy, according to my current understanding of health, which is referred as ‘terrain theory’, meaning that in healthy environment, with healthy air, water and food, people do not get the sicknesses what people get who are not in healthy environment, who are not living with healthy air, water and food and within that choosing the instant gratification in moments when I experience my ‘energy low’ for instance in the mind, tiredness, brain fog, tendency to lose focus and various gut-related symptoms what directly show that this food what I ate was not really healthy, and after this goes through my body system, I need to eat something what is healthy, meaning not containing chemicals, patented substances, processed food, etc. –
    and within that not seeing that to apply prevention to instant gratification when it comes to nurturing my body, what are the temptations where I have the tendency to fall and why, what do I gain as experience and how I allowed to self-define to justify why it is ok for me, yet only in moments when I am in the temptation, and after that, always seeing that this was not supportive – yet would do the same later, when I am not present, but in reaction, distraction.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that thinking is a form of addiction to instant gratification about situations I do not know and understand, within that ‘thinking I am’ – proving that because of that is needed in this specific scenario I find myself within, that I do not know myself yet, that is why I fall into the temptation of instantly have a definition of something or someone in my reality what do not comprehend, but pretending my thoughts to be supportive to get from not knowing to knowing, yet not realizing that I should not trust my thoughts when it comes to temptations for sure.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that there is only a handful set of temptations I keep falling into by specific justifications and resisting to write them all, to really KNOW, not only their factuality(that in fact I fall into temptations all the time, for what I would not really like ‘to do’, if I am looking at it from self-honesty.
  • I forgive myself that I have not clarified these situations specifically, yet there are so many examples in my life, for instance driving in heavy traffic for an hour, getting out on the highway and feeling stuck, blocked and eventually switching gear to drive fast and aggressively to get through this hindrance quickly in instant gratification, even if I have to bully others away from in front of me, and justifying it that this is bad, ineffective and I know I can do better, I want to do better(transport more quickly) and thus justifying speeding and becoming hindrance to others drives in a way, and then justifying that with various excuses, such as I have a high-powered car, so I should use it to go fast, because I’ve bought it, because I pay the road tax and I am capable to do it safely and instead of trusting myself to make decisions NOT based on reactions, experiences and judgments, but of principle, such as give what I would like to receive, always prioritizing safety and life first, thus if( if – ever) I’d speed, I would do it when I am present, directive, within clarity and trusting myself without thoughts, feelings, emotions – because I know myself that in this specific moment, what can not be dragged over automatically to other moments – thus showing, that this is not something what I can just ‘turn on’ and from there it is default, but something I need to EXPRESS, MOVE MYSELF ABOUT within BREATH to birth, whether I’d speed up or not, always based on the context I find myself within, not from the definitions of my mind.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to have a temptation for writing this very blog by sometimes I have the temptation to want to ‘walk through a whole point entirely’ – not leaving it to the next day, because I do not trust myself that tomorrow I truly would continue, yet many times ‘a whole point’ approach is not practical, but wanting to get it done, wanting to have instant gratification, instead of making the decision and configuring my physical living to not only wanting, planning but actually doing it.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed to getting triggered in my mind just right now as my wrist just started to have this uneasy, pre-painful experience which would suggest me to have a break within walking this point to support my body as self here, but in that a fear or worry would emerge that ‘what if tomorrow brings different winds’, meaning I would be tempted to fall into an other distraction, instead of keeping the decision alive to walk this point, step by step, accumulating within consistency.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in my life to expect to have a right to fall into the temptation to obtain instant gratification in various aspects of my life, such as food, beverages, drugs, sexuality and entertainment, as well as approaching health, life itself, where it’s not about ‘winning the war now, whatever it takes’ but rather finding the practical love for myself and others equally as equal as one, in practicality meaning to research what could be the best for my health and life and test it in action and keep what is good.

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