There is something repellent about drama within me in general. Of course, not when watching an exciting movie drama, but when people fight, argue and disrespect themselves and each other. Or when the drama is happening in my HEAD.
Most of it, because I come from a family, wherein this seemed to happen daily between the adults, and of course between children as well.
It is astonishing to look back and to see how much we’ve copied with my little sister of what we’ve been observed and absorbed from our environment: we exerted out frustration, jealousy, anger, spite and so on to each other, although we are literally of the same blood.
I was the older, I LOVED my tiny sister when I was small, yet around elementary school I’ve shifted towards fights, just picking her, knew her enough to be able to just annoy her into nastiness.
It is literally a power-play, as I was EXTREMELY frustrated by my environment, especially my family for a while, and whenever I’ve tried to fight back them, I was utterly dominated down to almost humiliating vengeance. Not that my family’s adults did not LOVE me with their harts – it is just how very poor families in general can become, there is nothing personal in this, it’s just they are very frustrated by tremendous limitation due to poverty already, meanwhile us, kids, the smaller mirror reflection of their own creation was also just naturally trying to question, challenge and annoy them, always just a bit beyond of their stability points.
Of course, there were so many cool and enjoyable moments during my childhood, yet the self-honesty points I’ve been dealing with since some years are no doubt, can be observed within those surroundings of the earlier years of mine.
I used to blame, judge, compartmentalize, suppress until I could, eventually exerting out some almost animistic rage towards myself, sometimes others(my little sister, others in school, back to parents, etc).
Eventually my conclusion has became that this is just too crazy, I need to completely detach from all of this, thus I’ve escaped to daily library visits and reading, computers(programming and gaming) and getting stimulated with sexuality, even as a very young boy already.
Jumping forward, at university I had girlfriend, but I remember, whenever I got into any kind of worry, my whole reality around me became blurred, almost literally as I just could not upkeep any focus about what’s happening around me, I was literally raging, like a madman sometimes. Especially with alcohol combined with some (back then appearing as deadly) romantic refusals.
In my mid-twenties I had girlfriends, but I’ve been ALWAYS defining partner prospect based on their ‘crazy’, unpredictability and surreal level of stubbornness. Yes, I did only noticed the ones who were really standing out from the crowd with their DRAMA.
I remember, later on, I’ve had a girlfriend(let’s rephrase it: I had a sexual relationship with a lady) and eventually I’ve defined her as boring, because there was not much drama between us, she just loved me on the level of always finding ways to agree and get along with me and in that time this was quite disappointing. Oh boy.
No doubt, I was also secretly looking for this sort of crazy lady hero(ine) who does not fear or holds back anything in any moment. Just as I’ve perceived my mother for a while. Or the lady from the Aliens movie, Ripley. Head on fighting terrifying alien monsters? I remember, my mom was a boss at the dairy processing factory and was very tough in general. Even the huge and drunk gypsy guys, who usually just bully anyone got dominated down by her. Of course, she also had her losing control moments and then it was obvious that she approaches conflict handling almost literally with a deadly force.
Once my back got burned during a hot summer, I was around 14 I believe and for some reason it was EXTREMELY itchy. I just got so frustrated and I think I was really annoying with that. My mom eventually commanded me to the bathtub and she was showering, cleaning my back with not really a gentle manner. I did not like it, so I told her, this is bullshit – she got so pissed, just started to hit me, well I was almost a “man” in that time, so it was not really physical abuse, rather like it was hurting my stupid ego, but I remember, I was furious and powerless. She really, just wanted to help but I did not appreciate the way she did it. That was a huge drama then.
People arguing, shouting around me, being drunk was sort of a default setting during my childhood, so I’ve been absorbing this kind of stuff and when I ‘flew out’ from the family nest as went to university far away from home, I did not realize that this sort of DRAMA has became my norm.
Much later, when I was into the self-deluding spiritual path I started to realize that there is always fight, friction, conflict within my mind, CONSTANTLY and CONSISTENTLY. I really reached madness sometimes, I just wanted to tear the whole world apart to end this permanent battle within me.
With the spirituality, I’ve trained myself and my mind to pretty much pacify myself with various meditation techniques, but once I’ve stopped, the DRAMA has always returned.
I am sure, I’ve been writing about these things multiple times in this blog – yet never directly faced WORDS this directly before.
See, to be able to really purify, re-define words without conflict, friction, polarity and self-interest is really difficult if I am not even aware of the amount of self-delusion I participate every day within, because then all is blame, projection, competitive comparison and pure self-interest.
Self-interest, meaning I am at the level of losing my mind, I constantly realize that I do not have power over my mind, others around me, thus everything just becomes like survival, fight or die-type of reaction, no matter the cost or consequence.
When you are in constant drama, your only interest is to have a piece of mind, just to make it STFU.
Anyone does not get why the world is so crazy, unfair, difficult, cruel and mad? Because of this consistent drama, fight – the one on the bottom wants to get to the top – when I feel insecure, inferior, weaker, powerless, I just want to feel confident, superior, strong and powerful. FEEL.
Because all the drama is not real in the head – it’s all just a feeling anyway, so to overthrow that, you just need to feel something more stronger.
It does not matter if it’s not relatable with facts, if someone is consumed by DRAMA, they do not live in actual reality, they will see everything through their own conflicts. I speak of personal experience.
For me, when I was thrown at the world system after school, it was my highest priority to be able to deal with the DRAMA in my head. It is not fun. I was extremely spoiled, arrogant, obnoxious, impatient and completely delusional. Which, eventually I had to realize due to hitting rock bottom periodically, predictably.
Addiction is a handy tool to deal with drama, because it distracts, creates other type of intensity.
When the quiet and calm is boring, you should ask yourself, have you been indoctrinated to become a drama queen?
Although I’ve been working on my internal drama to decompose, self-forgive and let go, it is something I still can fall back into when being triggered in a specific way and it can be really limiting.
Within my current DIP PRO – awesome – online course assignment, this word, my reactions to it also came up among many other self-dishonest patterns, thus I am actively working with it to prevent myself to get into this energy addiction, which I’d even describe as a sort of PTSD(post-traumatic stress disease).
It’s like re-living the conflict one has been exposed to, the internal struggle over and over again and from outside, by an objective bystander, it is obviously limiting and being the opposite of fun.
What one needs to do to overcome this mental and emotional handicap is to let go the fear, the stress, the drama with total understanding of why I do it, how I do it, so then next time becoming aware of this pattern, it’s consequence BEFORE participating, thus being able to prevent birthing this DRAMA into our expression.
It’s like with hate – in a way it is self-hate – it’s just so pure energy, it’s intensity is overwhelming; the same with drama, because in that the mind becomes so slippery, it’s very easy to fall into a blame, a projection, basically a delusion of who is responsible for what I experience.
It is enough just to look at the world, any tiny aspect of it, let’s say – a controversial online shared video’s comment section. The flame war is real there, people argue, blame and hate – I mean how practical is it to hate someone I’ve never met, just because they wrote this and that word, and I feel obliged to react with negative emotion, thus that negativity must be coming from the subject of my reaction, the person, let’s say: some stupid fatass moron president of an influential country. It’s so obvious that this guy is a joke, incapable of bringing out actual solution for problems in this world, yet to blame him for what’s in this world already is pretty confining self-dishonesty.
On the other side, to take FULL responsibility for what I experience, express and stand for within self-honesty is quite a difference.
So how to approach this sort of abusive DRAMA word in order to loosen up and being able to let go self-limitations – self-definitions, self-delusions.
Until I keep believing that the president is responsible for me not wanting to climb out from my bed(just an example), that means I am putting my faith and hope outside of myself. Almost like I do not really matter, because I believe, her/him is responsible, not me!
This time I am not going into self-forgiveness profoundly, yet just giving an example how to approach it within absolute self-honesty.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the reality around here within conflicting situations, falling into the rabbit-hole of reactions, my following of the energy and association of those reactions.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate any conflict with my past, childhood where I felt powerless and exposed to other’s drama, wherein I could not leave thus I just tried to absorb it until it’s gone and at situations still rendering myself movement-less, instead of realizing that when something is obviously not ideal, the common sense is to ACT IMMEDIATELY, and within that to focus on finding out what and how.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate from any conflict to my childhood, defining it to be traumatic instead of realizing that it has been in the past and who I am is what I decide today, from this moment forward and I commit myself to let go the past, the associations and to realize – within conflicts I NEED TO MOVE and ACT.
- When and as I find myself powerless within any conflict, when I feel the energetic experiences overwhelming me, I stop, I realize this is because I accept myself to react this way, but I can and should stop participating and instead of reacting, focusing on action, communication, movement, direction.
- When and as I catch myself absorbing, suppressing reactions during conflict, I realize it is because I feel and fear of being powerless, and I see/realize/understand that I do not need to fear, I do not need to keep absorbing it without action, but I can and should MOVE myself immediately into action.
- When and as I feel that I should not participate within communication, interaction during situations wherein I find myself conflicted within, just to ‘wait this out’, I MOVE, I act, I express, I share, I apply and I bring myself to the practicality and punctuality I am familiar and comfortable with.
- When and as I define avoiding confrontation as good and positive, feeling good about it and I realize this is escaping, self-dishonest, ineffective; thus I commit myself to face the conflict ahead with practical common sense.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a pattern to avoid conflict around me by identifying and labeling people as ‘conflicting’ and associating negative energetic experience towards them without questioning my experience, why and how.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define conflict as negative within myself, automatically reacting with emotion of negative, judging myself not being good with communication, and within the reaction of negative emotion, not being able to consider common sense; ending up judging myself as ‘not good with conflicts, should avoid’ without questioning it as an experience and as self-definition.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am according to the amount of conflicts I can avoid and thus avoiding negative emotional experiences, yet not realizing that this limits me, I do limit myself.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider and make the decision to change my attitude, approach and reaction towards conflicts and within that not realizing that I am blaming conflicts for what and how I accept myself to be, yet not understanding that I create everything of this within my head and thus I can also stop doing that and do change(myself).
- I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to simply and automatically tend to avoid people and situations wherein conflict can arise, thus imprisoning myself into self-limitation without questioning myself with common sense.
When and as I encounter a situation what I perceive as conflicting, I remind myself that if the conflict is within me, the reaction happens within me, then it is not a real conflict, but a perceived one, and thus I can understand, self-forgive and stop with accumulative real time application within self-honesty.
- When and as I feel the urge to leave situations because being defined as too much conflict, I recognize that I am about to be directed by a self-acceptance automatically, by believing that this is the best approach, yet not truly investigating what can be done differently and how.
So this can assist to understand why and how I start to lose self-direction dealing with actual conflicts.
And just a tiny bit to reflect this back to the world – as self as equal as one with it: how can we assist and support to transform all the abusive drama already existing among and within people?
What are the main trigger points of people fall into constant battles within and around themselves in this world system?
How money – or the lack of it, thus our very own survival’s unpredictability can make us more afraid and conflicted?
Not saying that rich people have everything and they are the ones the most enjoying life, although it would be really dumb to deny that with money people can have more options, as we all need food, shelter, health care and education, otherwise the human individual is just lacking the ability to not only LIVE but truly become desperate and completely possessed with their own mind.
Just see USA – great example – most people can not afford the full spectrum of health care. It’s ridiculous. If an ambulance is being called for you, you might end up needing to pay thousands of dollars. Same with dentist – so many people just can not afford to go to a dentist – so they feel more miserable as everyone knows, tooth pain is truly a ‘beeach.
All the people around the world, if they would get their hands into the money jar a bit more, they would stop freaking out of imminent death, sure, but it is not enough for a real change.
People need to take responsibility for what they experience, remember, the PTSD needs to be supported to heal…
That’s why basic income sounds like common sense to me, because so many people can not afford the simplest health care, thus they become more sick, more trauma.
The more we can support our fellow humans to get re-mediated from their trauma being triggered, the more we also help the next generation to come without such imprinting.
People often say – basic income will make people get lazy as they do not have to work for the money they need for survival – and of course, traumatized(even if with their own mind) people sometimes just want to escape the trauma, thus, for sure, there would be people who would not care about healing, because they do not know how.
And of course, even people loaded with money can exert (self)-abusive drama in their reality, so is it really about poverty? Not really. It does not matter if you are rich or poor, how you behave, resonate, broadcast your interpretation of life, that counts in the bigger picture for sure. We all going to die anyway, so why not to acknowledge that what we manifest will remain for the generations to come. All the mind-noise we experience will disappear in a moment without any trace, yet what we have done or have not done will remain.
That’s why to live as an example is important in this world, to not just hide, deny and distract from the abusive drama, trauma, but to be transparent of the process of how to really transcend, re-define and change in starting point, behavior and action, what can have an impact on others as well, automatically.
Therefore this process of self-honesty to walk, as it requires accumulation, honesty and courage – to admit that I was wrong all the time until now, but now I see, understand, realize and thus change.
So then DRAMA word can become something such as entertainment, being watched in the cinema, instead of this nasty energy what drives people crazy.
Thanks for reading, enjoy, bye