By observing my and others life, it seems like everyone periodically gets to point of self-evaluation, meaning to question what is done, who am I, what is going to happen next.
This can be done in a way what is almost like an involuntary reaction resulting in conflicts within and without, when someone gets fed up, burned out, closed in or fall down.
I’ve seen drama. My whole family was in consistent drama when I was very young, that is my default baseline. To be paranoid, suspicious, self-interested and very-very reactive.
Reactive, meaning in the mind, thoughts, feelings, emotions, constantly up and down, left and right, there is no balance, center or a stable ground when someone is keep falling into various emotional storms, such as jealousy, fear, desire, anger or depression. These are learned patterns and repetition makes it more profound in terms of who we perceive and define ourselves to be.
The key though is the physical, to be HERE – not in the now, not in the past or future, but actually, physically embrace what is really here within and without.
My current point what I express today is that by looking at my actions, living conditions, my “HERE” location and what comes up first is that I got comfortable.
I have been walking Process since a decade now, I am much more stable than I was before that, I actually can direct and enjoy myself most of my active time, yet what I see is that I still maintain an isolation, self-separation from ALL what is here, in my mind, in my starting point, in my actions.
Let’s walk some of those excuses and justifications.
Usually the pattern is that Tala is being hard with himself, very strict, almost military-like approach – or at least this is what can be seen on me when reading my Process blog. Well, this is one aspect. Another is that I indulge myself into the daily activities, such as job, school, hobby, some travel, some party, some family time, but in general I see the desire to grow.
A desire, which is exactly what is called: something I wish for. I have plans, but not actual, realistic, worked out, practical, “executable” plans, but sort of feelings I can extract from my mind when I stimulate myself with great IDEAS.
Of course, nobody knows my potentials, what I could be capable of, including myself until it’s actually done. Not exactly calling this “to be proven”, but in a way, fact is always proof for what is real, what is here.
It is so easy to get comfort within Process yet I am always aware of that I am procrastinating, I am finding justifications why I do not risk more, why I do not organize, plan, ‘realize’ more.
That is something I am starting to embrace. The imagined, desired, perceived self versus what is actually here, real.
It’s like trying to drive a car on a road, while the GPS puts me 200 meters away on the map, showing that I am in the bushes and I do not look where I actually am with the car, the road, but I believe that I am in that forest, because my GPS is not properly calibrated, programmed.
That is Desteni I Process in a nutshell, a deprogramming, a calibration to find our LOCATION in this world, not just the GPS coordinates, but our role, our rule, our starting point, our character, constitution of self.
But not just to find, accept and embrace where and as who we are, but also who and how we would direct ourselves to CHANGE.
Self-directed change is the threshold point, the great divider in Life, not Death. Whoever can discover, understand, overcome and change their self-limitations with courage, commitment and 100% grounded, physical practicality, I call them sprouts of LIFE – that is where it starts.
It would be really naive to believe that who we are, just by our parenting, schooling in this current human world system is the most optimal, enjoyable and true to who we really are as part of all life.
It is difficult to realize when the thoughts are so fluid about an accepted self-limitation, because it has been solidified by convictions, excuses and justifications. Otherwise this human world system would be a much better place.
That to accept and take responsibility for is not easy, yet there is something incredibly grounding and maturing to eventually do.
There is so much crap happening in this world, it is so easy to lose traction of what are the real issues, problems, priorities in life and thus we end up with millions debating who can go to what toilets or when is it appropriate to kneel for what.
What is to realize is that we have collectively reached a point wherein our, everyone’s consciousness is almost like a living, breathing, reacting being with it’s own personality and character and to head-on fight it is futile.
So then how to approach WORLD CHANGE? Changing myself! I am in the world, I am of this world, I am existing AS the world. It is common sense.
Leading by example is always more effective than preaching empty words, telling people what and how to do their lives.
To transcend everything is to forgive everything, some said.
That’s why I re-commit myself to continue this blog, because the points I have already walked are here, transparent and real. I have changed so many things, made me a much more stable person, yet I still see all the uncertainty, doubt, judgment, reaction to various points, thus it is imperative to continue walking this process.
I have been ‘busy’ lately. Yes, new country, job, home. New profession, school, hobby, car, people, climate, everything is new. Except me.
Do I want to reborn, renew, change? Yes, indeed.
Do I want more happiness, joy or love? Not really. Those are reactions in my mind, don’t bother to chase any of those, they are delusions.
Instead of to focus on effectiveness, practicality, not to feel joy, but to express enjoyment. Same with love – how one can FEEL to love someone else? I mean it’s just a feeling in my head. So what? Every crazy can have a crazy feeling. What makes it true, real? Actions speak louder, so the question I ask myself and anyone reads this is what are my/your actions what are speaking louder than my thoughts, words, feelings?
Because in one way or another, we all die – inevitable. So in this way – we already lost our precious lives, the death sentence has been judged, just due to current earth’s living system’s bureaucracy, it takes a while until Death gets to us to be served. Sounds very dark, but it’s just fact.
Would I accept it to infinity as who I am existing as today? Would I be satisfied, proud, absolutely accepting? Not really.
That is the question everyone should ask themselves every day.
Not just about life in general, but this week, this day, this minute.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that I will die self-dishonest, instead of realizing this is a fear of change, otherwise I would simply change what I am not satisfied with.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify why I do not change about what I see as obvious ‘character-flaw’ within, why I accept any second to exist as what has already proven to be not my utmost potential.
Many people get triggered with this mambo-jumbo-like ‘utmost potential’ when they hear, as it is something what can distract from actually LIVING here, today.
I am capable of adapting much more than I actually do it to be able to grow more, in terms of taking responsibility, not accepting self-dishonesty, such as suppression, judging, projecting things to others, myself.
That’s why true love can only start with self-love – otherwise all people talk about love, they might be just misaligned with their inner GPS and trying to act upon this idea of love, while they are not loving themselves, because accepting self-dishonesty, self-judgment, self-manipulation, self-suppression, etc.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself, not admitting it to myself, but in the form of letting and accepting myself to exist within internal conflict, friction, doubt, worry and fear; never directly allowing this to sink in that currently, my location is like that, and the longer I postpone to really embrace this, the more I will develop internal conflicts and thus the longer I postpone to actually start dealing with facts, not convictions, delusions, hopes and desires, but what is really here in and as the physical.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate to face the points I am aware of, just because of thinking that there will be time to deal with them later, not realizing that time is just a reflection and if I do not see accumulation of action being done in time, then it is a fact that I do suppress myself.
- I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to answer to myself why I suppress myself and to admit that I fear of consequence, mistake and judgment – not other but from self and not realizing that the only way to move is by walking, meaning until I do not accumulate measurable action in this world, I am not really living my obviously available potentials.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mesmerize myself with self-interest, even if it is self-limitation, it is a reason I have created myself in this way and I can discover it and learn from it.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have been accepting the comfort of the balance within my mind, when there is no internal conflict, not having motivation either, thus not really moving, not realizing that I wait and hope for motivation, inspiration in a form of mind-thought-feeling-based reactions to trigger me to be charged for start moving, instead of realizing that I can create motivation with direction, commitment and self-honesty.
I highly recommend reading other people’s blogs, so much can be learned and realized: