Day 414 – Self-correcting: self-soldiering

IMG_1558Continuing from my last post of opening up points to realize and change.

When and as I want to control myself, when feeling the need for controlling myself, to have a grip on myself, to be harsh with myself, to command or dominate myself with force – I STOP, I realize I’ve been lost in my mind with fear, in polarity, through self-definition and energetic possession, thus I focus on my physical presence, breathing, to come back into and as physical, reality awareness and practical common sense by remembering that what I need is self-communication, self-embracing and self-direction with practical plan, consideration of facts and enjoyment within and of finding and expressing my presence HERE.

When and as I believe, think or being convinced that with forcing myself I am more effective or efficient, I realize that I become rigid and blunt, rude and lacking compassion towards myself, thus towards others as well – thus I drop the act and take the responsibility of re-aligning myself HERE.

When and as I fear of not being able to get done something, or when I fear that what I am currently doing will not succeed, I take a breath, a moment, stepping out of the box and to see what I can do, how can I assist and support myself in this, who I can ask assistance from, or what do I need to communicate with change of plans and doing that exactly, planning and directing with common sense.

When and as I see that I need to change plans and that affects others, I prevent myself going into worry of what others would think or react to me, fearing from facing stress and tension, conflict and friction – and to realize that the best what I can do is literally doing my best and to see how it goes and to learn from mistakes and to incorporate all the conditions, factors of reality as it is actually predictable that things change and plans need to be adjusted with time and when someone does not understands that and reacts – that’s their process to walk through, and all I can do is to stand firmly and share details of facts and knowledge of my best abilities.

When and as I worry that if I do not control myself, I would get lazy and hedonistic, self-centered and consumed with self-interest – I realize that those are symptoms for internal friction, judgement and definitions, what I need to prevent myself going into, thus the best I can do is to keep awareness of my judgement and friction points – words and walk the self-forgiveness.

When and as I judge myself and comparing my behavior, reactions with my parents and identifying a pattern with them, unconsciously blaming them, I see/realize/understand that it is only my responsibility to stop and change, thus I immediately focus on practical solution, real-time self-forgiveness and self-correction.

When and as I see the sense of stopping soldiering and controlling myself with force, I realize that the fear of falling to the other side, as laziness, becoming uncontrolled and thus lost is part of my self-created mind-energy-polarity self-equalizing system, what keeps me moving from conflict A through a temporally balance into conflict B, which I need to recognize and prevent by identifying the trigger points/situations/conditions/thoughts/feelings and emotions.

When and as I fear from losing my masculinity if I am not strong with myself – I realize that I need to re-align with the words, re-define them within myself as I am filled with polarity definitions on words, causing me automatically react and generate polarity/positive-negative energy when experiencing or expressing of such words.

Words to re-define: strong/strength, balance/equilibrium, ‘to get a grip on myself’, ‘power’.

When and as I start seeing physical/emotional/mental symptoms of doubt, anxiety, worry, I stop and stabilize myself with the awareness of within fear everything I participate within I taint and perceive through fear, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to fear, to doubt myself and to fear from falling, failing and fear from manifested consequences.

When and as I feel stiff, physically, my stomach is contracted, my skin slightly sweating, having electric tension on it, when I feel my arm, wrist spending time in tension, in gripping, forcing unnecessarily, when my breath is shallow, when my chest is moving with breath, when I am no aware of what’s around me, when I do not feel the gravity, the weight of my body, it’s parts, when I am deadened by the loudness of my thoughts, or blinded by the energetic tension of feelings or emotions in my body and mind – I STOP. I STOP and I breathe. I breathe in, I take my time, I breathe out. I check – can I still stop something, what is moving within me, and if yes, then I continue STOPPING, until I am collected, I am present and I am me, here, directive and whole. Then I look at my reality awareness, my location within process, in this existence in this moment and then I make a decision and action of self-direction resulting in movement and action.
If it is challenging to see what’s the best approach with clarity, then I plan more, if there is no time, I consider with my current best efforts and take the risk and realize – even if I make mistake, even if I fall – who I am as Life – I do not fail until I realize, forgive and apply, re-align, stand up and change.

When and as I fear of becoming too soft and weak when not ‘self-soldiering’ myself, when I do not appear or pose, pretend or act as being firm, strong and serious – I realize that strength has nothing to do with those, but it is a living realization of who I am as life.

When and as I feel the need to appear strong, or stronger as I feel myself to be, I realize that it is to balance out a self-accepted weakness experience in my mind, it’s all not real, thus actually does not help, but keeps me accepting the already self-created pattern of doubt and fear – thus I STOP, I forgive and I change.

When and as I resist to apply self-forgiveness about this pattern of self-soldiering, feeling weak, wanting to be stronger, forcing or controlling myself or something without reality-awareness, compassion (towards myself and all participants here) and common sense – I STOP, I realize, I already know that this pattern is not only inferior but self-dishonest as well, thus I pronounce STOPPING with firm and direct self-movement without any energy, any association with positive or negative, just the realization that directly living is beyond polarity.

When and as I see that I do not spend my day according to my ideal plans/wishes, I realize, I can utilize planning and motivation, self-agreement and self-honesty.

to be continued…

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