Day 406 – Thinking is suppression

img_4549In my last posts I’ve opened up various angles to suppression.

This is a sort of ranting about the topic to bring up more points.

To be honest (great phrase) – every single thought is suppression. We can argue, justify, deny or protect this statement, but the fact is fact.

Of course, definition of LIVING can depend person by person, someone simply define thinKING as truly living – yet that does not make it objectively real.

I used to think a lot. Literally, my childhood was mostly about thinking and although most of the humans like to associate and refer thinking as something great, respectable and rewarding, it’s still a form of self-distraction from what’s here in physical reality.

I used to believe that by thinking I am able to avoid and solve problematic situations, because I am using my past, my memories, my knowledge, my wisdom(lol) to learn from the mistakes, to find and create new possibilities.

Sometimes I could not stop the thoughts, reactions and judgments in my head, especially when I made a mistake, caused a not so great consequence by my definitions. Oftentimes this resulted me to replay the dramatic event/experience in my head many-many times and I was trying to – consciously and sometimes unconsciously – think myself through of that micro-or macro-traumatic memory. Maybe I will understand more of why this happened, or I will be able to overcome my reactions and feeling crap about if if I replay it in my head the 500th time.

The unwanted echoes of my mind are the thoughts I’ve assisted to appear and make an impression on me and the more times I did, the more it was carved into the automatism – programmed to repeat the same patters all over.

What I have not admitted for long-long time was that even though a thought had a feedback, a critique, a reason – I often was just reacting emotionally to it – for instance replaying the event of ‘she said we are done’ – and immediately I was back there, in the cold, alone, with loss and disappointment tuned to the maximum degree.
Just an example – fascinating – looking back – after a crappy day spent like that, waking up in the next morning I was empty, clear – no sadness, no bad mood – but eventually I was triggered to remember, to react again – it’s like I am naturally healed, my mind is now empty when I wake up, but I relapse again.

In this sense it’s interesting play to look at every day as a new life – I am reborn – I go to sleep, I lose my consciousness, I am not here, I am gone. And then waking up and in that moment my mind is empty, I have the opportunity to be here, to look forward, to keep living – and then BAM! – remembering some crap and being triggered to feel bad again.
Then going out, because one still have to get some cash otherwise might not eat soon – and then it’s like a soap opera to maintain sort of effectiveness yet inside flaming this sadness.

Ridiculous – of course, one can justify when someone close dies – I do not say not to cry, not to ‘bury’ and let go – but when one keeps not being able to move on from the past after a while is like stating out: I give up on the future and myself, in the past I had bad stuff, now I am marked, doomed, so I am going to be this sad puppy and it’s a great excuse not to grow, not to be open, not to support anymore.

I hated that feel and overall experience – I want to keep moving forward, having the upper hand on my life, to be optimistic, to still ride the dragon towards the beautiful fulfilling sunset!

I also did not like that when I am emotional, I just disregard logic and common sense. IT DOES NOT MATTER, FUCK YOU! Is what my mind becomes and my effectiveness in reality just drops to close to zero. That’s so compromising, humiliating and degrading state, so I needed something to be able to overcome any emotional overwhelming experience.

TADA! That’s how suppression came for me and then I was this good boy who never cries, who never shows feelings, well I did sometimes, but it’s like 1/100th of what I was within – because to any direction I tried to express myself – BAM! I got some emotional reaction and I felt like I am losing CONTROL.
Control, meaning that having a situation and I am unable to think through, over-analyse to filter out the possible pitfalls, mistakes in advance before acting.

As there is this cute story when the fox wants to borrow a shovel from the rabbit. He walks in the forest and starts thinking – what if the rabbit can’t give the shovel today because he is using it. Hm..What if he lent it to someone else already…Hmmm…what if he just does not trusts me that much…hmmmmm – and when he reaches the Rabbit’s house, he just says: You know, Rabbit, fuck your shovel!

This is my young age in a nutshell. I have missed so much opportunity to express, to learn, to interact, to grow because of this almost paranoid overthinking of everything to try to avoid mistakes and experiences I judged as bad.

Suppressing all the mind-leak of emotional result of those excessive thinkings was not a perfect method. What you suppress, accumulates and will be exerted when it’s too much – not when I want, not how I want – it just BAM! happens.
And eventually will result in doing stupid things which I will again over-analyse, judge, feel bad about, becoming emotional and then suppress again.

These things should be taught in kindergarten and elementary school so then everybody can learn to deal with and solve, not what politician did which law or who won in the battle of 261 BC (I don’t mind if someone wants to research it, just to be mandatory of such things is literally sabotaging life-potentials at early age).

When I finished university, I was mostly the same, just was able to socialize myself to the extent of navigating myself through the system while juggling my mind-emotional-suppression balance so then I could keep falling forward.

What suppression does is literally taking physical life force away as the excessive mind-patterns will suck that out and creating this virtual experience, but the cost is that one gets older, sick, counterproductive and also susceptible for various fallacies and traps one can find within society. Alcohol and drug abuse, toxic relationships, financial struggles, and in general losing one’s true potential in life to celebrate it with giving back to the whole world what we have taken granted as the unconditional support most of us get from our parents, family, nature, etc.

I had glimpses of that this suppression is getting ridiculous, I did dare steps towards change – for instance I was self-defined as really introvert person, what was just insanely great for doing meditation – I was advancing with those practices like a superhero, however, because of the character of my mind, it has been proven to be a two-edged sword: I had experiences and insights during meditations what many only can read within holy books, however when it was about to actually benefit those in reality, I was always fallen behind – so that’s why I started to play against my character.
I was resisting to be social and do something what is really difficult for me – as I always got money by being a computer programmer, just by sitting at the machine, doing the code work, sending it to the system and being rewarded with good money. I liked that but also realized that it’s a trap for me, so for a while I was doing various kinds of jobs, wherein I had to socialize, talk with humans, organize, direct and that was a huge step to face my suppression.
This was around 2004. In two years I felt like I do not need to meditate anymore, I know oneness, I know universal wisdom, yeyeye, I need earthly practice. So I learned music, juggling, travelling(it’s a skill, especially if money is an issue) – and I was able to play along with my suppression.

However the main points remained – to be honest with myself, any time, absolutely was just never possible – there was always a thought process pulling me out from direct responsibility – and if not, worst case, there was the good old shame to mesmerize me to feel bad in order to initiate some sort of attempt to change – until the shame experience was gone, so I could return to the same patterns until the next loop of crappy shame again.

This can easily become someone’s entire life and I consider myself as lucky because I found Desteni support, the community, the interviews, the principles, the tools, the courses and it was and still is the most simplest thing in the world!

But by looking at, interpreting through, trying to process with our mind, thinking, emotions, reactions: it is most likely resisted, rejected and even attacked.

Although it seems simple – it is the most difficult thing anyone can face – because it is about facing, embracing, understanding myself as directly and fully as possible and taking full responsibility for everything I accept and allow.

Simple, because facts, our current experiences, impressions, reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions and actions are here to assist us to understand who I have became – it’s obvious – facts are facts.

Difficult, because to admit, to accept, to acknowledge without judgement of positive or negative, without resisting to see reality as it is – it is challenging, because one might feel that starts with picking up a piece of garbage in the park and ending up considering the future of humanity if continues to consider consequences of our actions.

And in this example: every day I walk through a park – I see this plastic garbage every day and not picking it up. Every day. So I will keep seeing it, accepting it, allowing myself not to take responsibility for it because it’s someone else’s problem, because it’s not my job, someone gets money for that to do, etc – except in that morning alone walking through moment – the opportunity is here – I just push my arm out and lean a bit down and picking it up and throwing into a bin nearby. Not rocket science. What I mean is that as actions accumulate – the lack of action also does.

That’s why, whenever I think about a scenario and trying to comb out bad attempts by judging them as bad – I am not acting, I am suppressing. It’s like seeing a lady every day and thinking about how cool it could be to go out with her for a tea etc, yet never doing it – instead of expressing – suppressing. I wrote about this many times, but doing it again to dig deeper.

Why do I suppress? What do I suppress? What I do not express? Why I do not express that?

It’s not that difficult to ask – then to answer. It’s a skill to be able to answer to myself honestly. Needs practice and self-trust.

That’s why it’s important to not fearing making mistakes – if those are not horrible and capital destruction – to maybe make them – in a way it’s every day mistake when I do not act – so to act and do something silly or not doing it perfectly is fine. Because then I can see my action and consequence – and that’s how I learn. Not by thinking about things based on my memory, definitions and expectations. That’s a trap.

Many do not realize that this seems like a problem only for the introvert and not really living people. To a certain extent they might be extreme. But most of the humans do this – when they are alone maybe, or when they are being in a situation what they do not like or something worrisome – they will think, judge, react and not do!

Whole industries are specialized to these kind of feedings – such as gossip media, about celebrities, so anyone can read up things about those people’s life and can judge them, react to those information and then safely form their opinion about them. Rich people, famous people, powerful people, poor people, stupid people – just to judge and react.

All suppression. Suppressing life potential, suppressing self-honesty and suppressing real change.

I suppress greed and ambition, desire and fear – it’s not a big thing to admit – but as there is the saying: the devil is in the details: I need to know the specifics.

It’s similar when archaeologists dig, or auctioneers research a piece – it’s history, the life of that thing, when, how and why it was created – when I look at a piece of tool from 4 thousand years ago, it’s more value when I can understand the context of that piece – or by looking at a painting of a haystack – how comes that it worth 81 million dollars – without the context it is just a cool painting. But by understanding it’s era, what it represents, who created it and why – it carries a lot of insights.

All my suppression come from not expressing myself naturally and as it grew in my mind, kept being twisted and losing context with livable reality.

Most of my greed and ambition comes from glimpses of my perceived and not yet developed/lived potentials.

Most of my desires come from self-judgements of them and thus myself being bad.

Most of my fears come from my other suppressions kept being accepted and trying to avoid the uncomfortable truth.

I mean we all going to die anyway – yet each of our action and not action accumulates consequence in every moment equally. By looking at life holistically, how much we’ve been given to and how much we’ve given – it’s a closed system – if one is not seeing the nature of existence with equality and oneness, they are delusional – and for a reason!

Every day to discover a little bit more about one’s suppression will also accumulate.

And we have a really great tool to understand suppression: our thinking mind – it will exactly show for what and why do we suppress.

I know, what about the ‘great thinkers’ one might ask?

And many can feel to be threatened by taking away their precious tool to survive in this system by believing that ‘I can’t be in this system without keep thinking!’ – not true!

It’s also possible to utilize the mind – without this reactional, almost involuntary thinking.

I’ve spend quite some years to figure out the answers for the greatest spiritual questions: ‘Where our thoughts are coming from, who we are, where are we coming from and where are we going to?’ – meanwhile I kept suppressing the thoughts I judged as uncool. Keep searching for the big truth out there, meanwhile I have this mind consciousness system located in and as me as this human physical body I try to control, suppress, dominate, abuse and stimulate with thoughts, feelings and emotions.

To understand what it means to let go those stimulation – and not to THINK that without those we are not humans, we are not being able to live and enjoy – is possible. I was able to, many were able to understand with the Desteni tools.

It’s completely different level to think you are versus KNOW you are and be you are.

I must admit, I had a phase when it was difficult to do my daily job without thinking – computer programming, software engineering, managing platform systems – I do not really think much now – as thinking is always limited by the past. One might call this intuitive – I don’t – writing also assists to see things in front of me – and I look, I read, I follow up, I research, I ask and I try things – but it’s not thinking, it’s rather a self-movement. And if it’s not – then I eventually realize it and will re-align from frustration, judgement, polarity to just look at facts and figure out problems and solutions. Same with social interactions. And doing artistic-like expressions – or driving car – making love or planting seeds – literally or indirectly – it’s like a leap of faith in myself to live in this moment directly instead of clinging back to my thoughts to hypnotize me to take sides at uncertain – doubtful – situations.

Many believe that thinking outside the box is the solution, yet not realizing thinking is the box.

It starts with small steps. To just being able to exist for some moments without thoughts is quite liberating.

No need to meditate for hours for a piece of mind, to halt the endless battle of good and evil inside is literally a nirvana. Yet it is just the start.

Thinking also can be re-defined to respect self-honesty, self-expression, self-trust, self-expansion as equal as all life. To see connections without being driven by the process of seeing those connections, without being influenced by information ( am I in formation with what?). Everything is code and thus can be revealed if one follows the words. Every emotion is coded by words, every feeling, every conviction, belief and perception.

Writing words is the most powerful tool to reach that sort of nirvana – but it’s not blissful, neither beautiful, because often truth hurts. But once one starts to express within writing, will experience more clarity and quietness within.
IF the writing is based on self-honesty and eventually self-forgiveness.

It’s like when I dig up an old tool in the yard – it’s dirty, maybe stinky and not pleasant – but I can clean it, repair it – that’s my potential, my inner innocence, my life force what has been suppressed during the indoctrination of this current human system. No one to blame but to see what can be done about it.

Everyone has crap inside and to give a new chance, to forGIVE self is beautiful. Nice, wonderful, glorious, honorable and now I am just playing with words of positive crap so you can check if you react in any way whatsoever to this fun and then expose the automatic mind within, because that might be the director of your life and maybe often it’s doing great but might be some situations where it messes up, and it is you then who have to own it and take responsibility for. Nothing is beautiful without it’s context and it’s kind of subjective, so then worth checking how am I with self-interest versus all life-interest. Am I only this cell, separated from everything and thus being against anything for survival or can I see the equal-ity within all what’s existing?

All I can or should do here now is to take responsibility for my own suppression and self-dishonesty and do something about it instead of this much blabber-mouthing.
See – this might be a judgement – self-judgement is the source of all suppression.
Body awareness is also another key to support oneself within this process, because often it’s not that obvious, because the mind can be so quick or obvious – I literally become it so from that point I do not see it, so I need to have various kinds of support to be able to cross-reference what is real, self-honest and practical common sense.

Further self-forgiveness will commence. It can give more insight, specificity and clarity of(and for) our self-creation.

In the meantime I highly recommend to support oneself with understanding the world through joining the awesome EQAFE existential audiobook library:

Absolutism interviews from eqafe:


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