Day 404 – Suppression to understand

IMG_3071My last post was not well structured, so it’s time to continue with self-forgiveness to see things more clearly

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to control breathing of my physical body in order to balance the overall experience of myself here and within that not realizing that while I believe that I am now stopping the mind, what actually happens is that my starting point is still in and as the mind, meanwhile sometimes when being overwhelmed and losing control, stability and ability to enjoy things, others, myself – then I utilize the breathing to pacify the waves what I’ve created with my thoughts, feelings and emotions and only doing it until I am experiencing this control-stability again, but eventually again returning to the reactive mind activities, thus not really changing, not really realizing, forgiving myself or stopping the mind.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being honest with myself how I utilize breathing as a separate tool only for stabilizing myself yet not cross-referencing, clearly seeing the extent of self-dishonesty within this application as only applying breathing momentarily to stabilize myself, instead of developing a discipline of being able to be vigilant and disciplined to completely re-align with the starting point and not the mind be the starting point but the physical direct living here.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that me breathing as controlling the lungs, muscles, blow in and out air is not natural breathing, it’s rather a thought-process directed to mechanically controlling the breathing process and in those ‘returning to breathing’ I need to be able to see what caused me to call this breath-thought and why, what was going on in my mind before calling that, and that whole situation, context, experience I have to be able to understand to find the self-dishonesty, not just breathe whenever it feels difficulty what I can escape from with buying time from my own mind.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the importance of accepting myself here without fearing of judgement of myself or others and within doing so I am not seeing that I refuse to see reality, because I am busy perceiving and interacting with reality through my judgments and trying to avoid to trigger my negative emotions and trying to trigger my positive feelings and thus having difficulty to fully understand what is the situation here, clearly, exactly, thus causing any proposed solution to be matching reality, therefore having difficulty with real change.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to try to be harsh and judgmental about myself for the sake of energetic experience what might seem to boost my passion for change, yet as it’s energy-based – with that energy boost I might be able to change a point within myself, what causes that type of energy to accumulate in the first place, but then once the energy is gone, there is nothing to prevent myself to go into that same pattern again – thus creating this cycle of walking a lot meanwhile not really moving ahead at all.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself to see that what I suppress is because I judge as bad, nasty, selfish, and thus not wanting to see these within me, and as not seeing them, not really investing to solve or prevent those, but in the background of my mind, they accumulate and when reaching a certain energy level, they just resonate within me so much that creating a point wherein I do those things what I suppress, and because of judging them as bad, I will suppress them and within that believing that I am transcending – until the next time they come out – and not realizing that what I also can do is to sit down with myself and ask – what’s this desire, want about this point I judge as bad – what do I really and truly desire here and what I actually do, and what is the reason that I judge as bad. Within that to realize – because I do not do those things as I really would, but kind of substituting with something I am aware of being self-dishonesty – the whole dynamics of this I judge as bad, and in the end I judge my actions, and becoming overwhelmed and distracted with the experience of judging myself, instead of the possible solution.

And those self-misunderstandings are not rocket-science – let’s say to be able to see energetic dynamic from suppression to obsession and potential energetic possession can manifest as suppressed sexual desire by self-judgement can accumulate to a mind state of becoming obsessed to get sex(ual experience)  once or twice a month and then judging myself for that, instead of looking at it holistically so to speak and acknowledge self-communication with clarity to recognize: it’s ok to have sex, so why not to do it? And from that moment anytime judging myself – to see if this is honest feedback and then I might am going too wild with this point and it’s time to evaluate if still am I honest with myself here and re-align accordingly.
Another example can be like when I wish for a cake and say to myself – no, I can’t have this now, too much sugar recently – or I am exercising or I am sick now, whatever reason today no to simply fall into such impulsive desire – and I if I love cakes and that seems relevant to who I perceive myself to be, then I can say NO for only so long, and eventually I might end up just eating five cakes at once, which might be more worse than  just having a bite here and there from time to time and just enjoy it fully.

So to judge stuff as bad can result in this police mind, saying – NO, back to your jail! And then the prisoner might escapes from time to time wherein I am just driven by it for a while, I am not in direction, but my suppressed aspect catching up – so then next time not to be the policeman and the judge but to support myself with self-forgiveness and actionable plan to change.

That’s why it is crucial to open up points within self, from past, wording out and bringing those here – might not feel wonderful, but it’s just there is no other way to face and truly change.

Another example suppressing financial struggles manifesting me to become less responsible with spending because if I am constantly reactive and worried about my lack of financial stability – making me emotionally and mentally less stable and more vulnerable to impulsive or irresponsible spending.

Or without the ‘financial struggle not cool’ feel, I am spending and eventually that not cool feel will return and that is how my life’s financial aspect is being in equilibrium – fear for survival will make me spending less.

Not being clear on why and what I want money for specifically also fogs out the direct goal to reach thus when temptation comes, there is no specific point to bring up as common sense, therefore the whole ‘lack of money’ thing is just an other con within me, being part of the big dynamic of how my mind finds its balance across all of my every day living. And the mind in balance is not a bad thing, when people force themselves to shatter that balance with alcohol or drugs for instance – it can become madness and insanity for sure if the person can’t find their balance back soon, they can render incapable of staying effective in the system.

That’s why it is crucial to work progressively with the mind and oneself, not with rocket launcher, but with writing one word at a time. Knowing is useless until it’s being used, so even the greatest revelation will not mean anything if I do not apply it to my own life.
Ok, so in this moment I had a breath out sigh, type of bringing myself back here.
What also can happen is that before applying breathing, I am finding out where is the body at – in terms of do it needs to breathe in or out, is there air in my lungs, or is it empty – and that kind of ‘processing’ – makes the whole ‘stepping out of the mind’ kind of strange, because I am not even aware of where is my breath literally and when I reach for the breath from the mind – I NEED EXIT A.S.A.P. and those extra moments to figure out how to CONTROL my breath are very revealing to how wrongly I approach this breathe thing since long decades.

It’s a kind of pattern what I’ve developed during my spiritual practices, when I was doing zen meditation and all I wanted was to quiet my mind, to smoothen the surface of my mind-lake and whenever something came up – I just pushed it back underwater and said – QUIET!

After a while it was really difficult to keep all in one place because what happens is that I am with myself, opening up myself and I want QUIET – meanwhile this is a moment with myself, so things will pop up in my mind, what I forgot before, what I haven’t dealt with, what I am worried about, what I desire, all the things I’ve put into my mind, meaning what I think or feel about. Everything is here with me and they usually pop up automatically, but when I am in this DISCIPLINE MODE – I want nothing, but discipline.
What I do is basically perfecting suppression with the meditation. Note: it can be perfected in terms of becoming this mind-samurai, and anytime one can just switch out from the patterns into this clear space of mind – seems very cool. HOWEVER this will not solve anything.

I see I am still doing this, instead of wording down issues within me – it’s tough – because once I honestly admit and write down everything as they are – then there is no more distraction, escape, procrastination or diversion – in front of me written how much I compromise myself with suppression. So then the quest I should be on to find the answer to the WHY.
Why I suppress, do I not believe in myself that I can do this? Why I can’t trust myself on this matter, what is the justification for not wanting to do what I need to do in order to get something?

It all leads back to the delusion definition of freedom – to believe that I am more free if I can use my mind to experience things differently than they are – it’s not freedom – it’s a misunderstanding. Because I am not free by doing this, it’s quite the opposite.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe freedom to be to be able to avoid, experience, understand, suppress, procrastinate and deny facts here, meanwhile the true freedom is when I am being able to be aware of all what is here, because whenever I am not aware of something, it indirectly or directly makes me enslaved to it by my starting point of believing not needing to take responsibility for that point I want to elude from, meanwhile the solution is in the WHY I want to elude it.

These points are outflows of working on my assignment to Desteni I Process – wherein investigating the words I live and to see how can I re-define them in order to prevent fear, polarity, self-interest. It is simply put literally a life-saving course. Noone really knows how lost they are until they start walking this course and how structured one can become with consistent application of writing, self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-corrective statements, so then in real time to be able to make a difference. Even if it’s about forgetting watering my plant or how to approach society, the world system.
That’s why does not make any sense to jump into world-changing meanwhile I have not yet walked myself to change before – because that means I have no idea how to deal with my weaknesses, I might not even know what those are and like that engaging with great world systems, corporations, law, money, politics – it’s really easy to make mistakes there with a delusional mind.
I had this strong impulse to add to the world change somehow in my life, need to save everyone and had to slow down and to understand that I have to save myself first. And although I would LOVE to work with world system, finance, education – there is still so much things to correct within myself.

This was difficult to admit, after walking process(of desteni-supported self-change), although it’s not like a workplace where after years one is being promoted to be more senior position, like as from internal now should be time to work the external. Rather to realize – the two are the same, but the only thing what balances it out is practical common sense.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define to be difficult to truly, directly admit and embrace, discover and research facts about how I behave, who I am, and what I am doing in my life every day, in cycles of days, weeks, months and years and to be able to NOT judge myself, just observing objectively, and not considering what it takes to be able to do that.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that suppression is a good tool within my disposal to be able to feel and do better, because of it’s addictive experience of clearness, clarity and unshaken stability, as whenever I would go into an emotional reaction, I just suppress, and after a moment, I am here, clear again – almost like as I say my mind is a lake, and even if I throw in a car – it will just sink in a moment and the surface will be clear – however that sunken car is in the water, all the things in it will leak, like the oil, petrol will just spread in the whole lake and becoming contaminated, until I will not take the effort to lift out that car and deal with it on the surface, such as taking it to junkyard, disassemble and recycle, so then the lake can start healing – meaning instead of suppressing things, actions, reactions within me it with judgement – to be able to notify, understand, yet not judge, not react, not categorizing – yet still trusting myself that I can see that this is not acceptable in the long term to sort it out, solve it.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and worry about if I fully embrace myself who I am, I would accept myself with my flaws, self-dishonesty, weaknesses and then I would be alright to live like that, and that would make me feel as given up and lost and within that fear, actually not realizing that with the cycle of suppression, as I am not truly changing or solving – it is literally what I am manifesting currently – not changing, but only making myself not to experience what I want to change or perfect until it just grows on me and will take over me to show me that it’s still there – and then if I suppress it again – I will not see it, thus I will not see the need to solving it, therefore to be able to see how the suppression happens, when, how is crucial, even if it means less balance or stability for a moment, as I trust myself that I am going to deal with this.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to look at stability and balance as something I have to create, maintain and control, instead of looking at things what challenge and I accept to sabotage my natural balance and stability by seeing the points of reactions, judgments, doubts, desires and fears, such as sexual and monetary insecurities.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that suppression is something I have to work every day with, actively, with structured application of writing, opening up, planning on solutions and cross-reference it’s progress, otherwise I will not directly see how or when I suppress.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for desires because defining them not too high level or inferior, selfish or addictive, and not realizing that the things I can do are not the problem, but how I approach them and how I accept to relate within me is the source of not being the best possible way on living – and not realizing that having sex or money is not wrong at all, although as I have defined myself that I am more than desiring those, I want to be not dependent to those, I want to be free of those made me believe that I can pretend not needing them, and whenever I have experience of desire for or fear of not having – I simply suppress that experience and keep maintaining the ‘not caring about this’ experience.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the actual enjoyment to challenge myself to see all my desires as they are and within that to see that the problem is only because of how I compress self-dishonesty into solidity by accumulation thus becoming part of my self-definition, instead of being honest with myself that – Okay, I need more money, I want a house, what I have to do that for, okay, not to but expensive cameras for 3 years.
    (not that by the price of 3 cameras I could buy a house, but in a way, for the price of ten maybe).
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fixate my desires to the perfect imaginable situation and whenever there is opportunity to reach the initial desire of mine, to compare it with the desired imagination and not being that perfect, resulting in comparison, judgement and refusal, however it might be just I am deluded to see what potential is actually here by the absolutism possession in my mind.
    (such as I want a house in nature, near river, forest and animals, with fast internet, etc – it is expensive – and I might have to start somewhere more realistic, to get one what is affordable, thus creating further financial stability first, then move forward from there)

So what seems like I have big plans, desires, but the actual get to there is not tangible, rather being a source of frustration.
That also causes tendency to suppression.

And whenever these patterns step forward or I am a bit more aware of them, there is also shame of self-judgement, which is really not supporting.

But in a way it is mirroring what’s happening – I judge myself, I feel bad, because I do not really change, and although I do select what facts I want to see when about who I am – about not changing I see the fact as it is and that gives weight to this feeling bad about myself in comparison to potentials.

This shame is quite rare within me, but when it’s here, it’s kind of revealing the whole general mindset.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of not doing more than now as I see potential to do more but not being very specific in terms of what I am ashamed of and what I actually can do more or differently, and within that to realize this is just an other trap in my mind to run it’s cycles of energy reaction/accumulation/discharge and within that flow, experience movement with energy, and to define that as real movement.

I had eczema on my chest some weeks ago and Mike mentioned points I wrote here now that these can support eczema. And I decided not to worry about money anymore and got some good creme to care for the skin spot. It kind of disappeared, but as I am now writing, bringing up these points, my chest is itchy, as indicating(I think) that I am touching the same point and as things come to surface, still not yet solved, but first have to bring everything here so then no need thinking, feeling, reacting to be able to experience these – then I am able to see what’s necessary to be done.

For instance about money point – to agree with myself on what I can buy and when – for someone this is easy, for me as I always had easy salary since finishing university – my pattern is that no need to put aside money, each month I get a lot until I am working – but that is kind of limiting – because I can’t buy more than my salary and I am destined to always work in this way. Which, of course I have judgement of not being good about and by time it also accumulates into being discontent, what I also can just suppress for a while.

So this post is quite eclectic, opening up points and applying self-forgiveness at the same time but in general this is way far from being fully revealed or being done.

What also matters is to rather focus to consistent walk, multiple times a week to write and share about this, instead of now trying to break the iceberg with one go. As it’s not really doable anyway, especially as these points within me are present in every day living, thus needs to be worked with in real time.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the opportunity to write every day and within that not just writing, but utilizing to a specific point within my life, such as suppressing financial-related reactions and disciplining myself to spend more responsibly. Or working with sexual energy in current situation not having a partner and prevent falling into temptation for objectifying, suppressing or exerting something what can be completely normally expressed and enjoyed without a judgement.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that suppressing breathing here is a sign of suppressing energetic experiences of judgments within myself and accumulating into instability and emotional compromise, lack of vision, direction and general awareness of what’s happening here in reality, thus I commit myself to work with suppression, reveal my suppression trigger points, reasons and justifications in order to prevent myself falling into denial of what’s here within me in relation to the points I want to be better with.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that mind-energy experience is like sugar, it’s whoosh creating a big wave within me, but it tolls my phywsical body, it’s stability, it’s capability to deal with reality.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from losing control, to fear from being exposed who I am without suppression and fear of being judged by myself and others and wanting to be accepted and loved by others because I do not accept and love myself unconditionally at all times, and not realizing that it’s tangible and doable to love and accept myself with walking the points of self-dishonesty specifically to change with application and living of self-forgiveness.

to be continued with further investigation of suppression.

I suggest to listen EQAFE – it’s exceptional support. For instance I’ve listened this:

Quantum systemization of the mind and physical


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