Day 403 – Self-compromises

IMG_3047I’ve been looking my breathing application recently and what I have found is that there are still a lot of thinking and processing going through in my mind while evaluating how to breathe properly.

Oftentimes I have a quick realization of ‘I am in the mind totally, what’s up with reality?’ – and then I try to utilize breathing to ‘come back here’.
Almost like trying to use breathing as a valve to push myself out from the mind-activities, but from where it starts, it is kind of the mind, thus being influenced by it’s limited awareness. Well, my limited awareness as the mind is kind of a systematic manifestation of myself – locks in as a mirror of self-limitation. It can be a great tool, but the popular application of the human mind is to hide and separate, justify and blame mostly.

It’s kind of natural that I have to wake up in the mind first then to start accumulating consequences to spend less and less time in the mind as walking through the mind-constructs, self-dishonesties one by one, so then becoming aware of the physical body, presence and thus facts.

However what can compromise this process if there is anything programmed, sort of infested with the basic application of how to bring myself back here from constant chase of thoughts, feelings, emotions, comparisons, judgments, categories, memories, desires and worries. They can be really overwhelming, especially when not just about to act against one of those, to re-balance – for instance when I am really annoyed about something, so then deciding to just ignore, avoid, suppress, justify it and voila: seems solved for the moment. But eventually will return – in different scenario, because I never solved it in the first place, just postponed facing it.
Which might be okay if I am working with a specific point or dimension and not want to get sidelined, distracted.

What can happen with me – well what I can allow to manifest is that I have about 5 points I am ‘working on’ – and for the sake of progress – movement – I taste each of those problems a bit and do something about it – and when it starts to become this big serious point ahead of me, I feel overwhelmed and need to let it go, so then it is very specific to get tempted to get distracted by an another serious point what I also need to solve/stop/transcend/change.

In a way, all of my self-dishonesty points are intertwined, so might make sense to just explore and follow the white rabbit wherever it leads me to, but the fact is that there is a LOT of points what definitely could and should need a self-honest review and rel-alignment. However what’s practical is to grab a point and not to release until it’s clear, until I am honestly satisfied with the change I am applying consistently.

It is describing me a bit too in terms of hobbies and general activities – to have a great idea seems easy to me however to finish things, because it’s so easy to find something new and fascinating, it also becomes this overwhelming experience at the points of facing challenges and resistances.

Through objective eyes it seems like I have not yet decided what direction I commit myself to walk towards – so I had to make some self-agreements about how I approach specific things and points.

For instance making/playing music was always present since about 2004 – even when I was only focusing to filming and cameras for some years – and now finally learning it properly with well educated teacher and this seriousness almost feels like I should prioritize this hobby more than a hobby – so what I see is that the decision and investment of time and effort also can influence me on how much time I should spend with this.

There was a kind of uncertainty popping up the last week – I spent it alone and was fascinating to recognize the attention diversion from Process – meaning not just listening one or two EQAFE interviews – and it is one of the best thing on this planet I truly am certain about – to listen EQAFE support about a zillion topics – but to actually substantiate that insight, realization I see with the support of a specific EQAFE interview – that takes more than just an AHA! but needs to sit down, write out points, relate, cross-reference, walk the self-forgiveness to fully understand the thought-emotional-action-body-mind dynamics and then to be able to find practical ways to start accumulate into real change.

In the last month I’ve pushed myself a bit too much on physical and mental level and the exhaustion suggested more chill for sure, but in the meantime what kept going on within me is this restlessness as in a way still struggling in the middle of two worlds colliding – the actual reality and how I want to feel – and what I can experience is that if any of these I take into full view, I get reactive.

Far fetched but a memory – my father when I was a child got mental problems, he was alcoholic(whatever it means, fact was he was drinking a lot alone and seemed like this he liked to do quite often) and my parents got divorced and he moved to live alone at the edge of our small village. That made him more alone with his issues I think and one of the main points he was missing to see was that he did not admit that he is now in this category of being alcoholic, what needs support and some sort of change for solution. He did not admit that, he said he has no problems, all is great, while he was losing kind of everything.

To really accept what is going on in my life, not just the world, wars, famine and annihilation – that is really tough, I mean not just read articles and see some brutal videos – but to really grasp the level of suffering being brought here every day – that is literally heartbreaking and there are many people who get hooked on that and constantly explores the new ways of fuckedup-ness and they get angry, sad — or the other type of people who just ignore shit in the world until it’s at their doorstep because they admit that it’s too much and if they would see more, they would get influenced, and becoming unstable, literally would not being able to enjoy their life.

So delusion is here, ignorance(interestingly this word in my language literally called: not knowing) – ignoring to know what is really going on.

What I mean here is about myself, my life, here, every day – it’s fine if someone is educated about the world, but might be a distraction from self here.

After some years walking this process – basically consistently falling into self-dishonest action, trying to understand it, stopping, forgiving, figuring out how to change and prevent happening again and then seeing another point, issue, overreaction, resistance, superiority, inferiority, etc – I see that the major points within me are still here – it’s almost like bipolar now – I am cool, clear, directive, present – or I am just fallen into some pattern and acting it out until there is energy for it – what I have accumulated through my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

It’s like an engine, a drive, a power plant – a little system within me and every time I have doubt, not being sure, not trusting myself 100% – how I am doing in the world as the world as equal as one with me – I break the harmony with my mind – if you are able to see this, you are doing awesome – that the moment here is just very continuous and when you experience thinking – it happens – in that thinking moment you are dropping the continuity of that moment. It’s like asking for intervention, wanting to hear some help to make me understand, make me feel smarter, safer, cooler, better.

And each time I think, energy moves across the body and the mind and this is where breath can assist as it is purely physical, I do not give attention to thoughts, emotions – I simply breathe, being physical, embrace what is here, total acceptance of facts.

This is often being perceived to giving up, like accepting this crappy world, myself and then the fear can arise that if I will truly accept myself as I am, what if I will be okay with it, but in general, I already see that there are not cool things within me.

And this fear of defeat can sabotage to see things as they are.
Especially when someone can get overwhelmed by tough things, for instance in my past one time I did hit my dog with a stick because I lost it, I was frustrated and angry and I had the power to do it – and it was so wrong, immediately after the deed, I was tainted with this for many years.

So many bad(let’s say: not optimal) things we have done and the only way forward is self-forgiveness – we can’t wait for some shady divine indoctrination to give us the forgiveness for what we accepted and allowed to do and become, we must take full responsibility to stand up.

I’ve noticed that when I reach the critical pressure point, I start ‘breathing’ – meaning literally taking over from my body and start blowing air out and then breathe in, almost like a machine and just slowing down within, calming too and how I utilize this technique when facing the world, myself and starting to get overwhelmed. There is still thinking behind it and that’s why it’s not fully effective. So this time looking at why I accept being a bio robot.

Walking self-forgiveness and further investigation in the next post .

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