Day 401 – Spontaneous organic robot to fix

IMG_3116There is no particular topic I sit down to write with. Oftentimes this observation can result to not to write at all.

Let’s say generic observations in regarding to change.

Immediately I got a yawn – not that I am tired or sleepy. It’s the mind’s vocabulary to tell – let’s just shut down, this is not priority.

Self-introspection and questioning usually results with resistance and excuses.

Today I was at my piano class. I was playing a song at some point which I work with and the teacher was busy photocopying more scores some meters away.
I was playing the song and in fact almost was perfect, skipped one D note to play with my right hand.
Then she asked to re-play that line and I kept making more mistakes, including that one.
I was overwhelmed – not really – but in a sneaky way – I felt so close, was also excited that almost played it well, yet did not.
The more I restarted, the more I made mistakes, and eventually had to slow down and decompose to play it bar by bar with the specific hand skipping the note.
I got uncertain that this was ‘programmed’ in a wrong way to play as really had to take it apart for me to ‘find’ the missing point.

It was an interesting realization – I obviously understood that I skipped that note to play, also was able to hear it’s absence, but when I was playing, felt like I am on a train ride and I had to look to a lot of things, the note, look ahead, left hand, right hand, tempo, so my ‘correction awareness’ for that particular mistake was simply not enough to overwrite the point at I was making the mistake.

It was just fascinating to realize that this is a simple point – everyone faces of such all the time – and yet how much it relates to the overall aspect of the human mind in general.

Eventually I had to play the notes with 1/4 tempo a couple of times while ‘rewriting’ that part in my mind and hand memory where I forgot to hit the D key with the right when playing G with the left.

Then I was able to play it correctly, yet in a way I got into this uncertain vibe so then I got stumbled after that part. I had to do the whole flow again a couple of times until I was able to play it and eventually the session ended without playing it perfectly – so it became homework.

I also noticed, with the parts I play good, I have the tendency to want to play it faster – and the parts I struggle with, I still have this slight belief that I should keep it trying to play faster to ‘break through’ – as if I can play it fast, it means I know it. Probably that’s how I learned it with that mentioned mistake in the first place.

The experience and judgement of velocity has this stimulating reaction, feels like more than it is and can cloud awareness of facts and practical common sense. In a way it’s energetic addiction and it can be very subconscious or pretty dominant.

Also learned the lesson that if I make a mistake here – does not mean I should judge myself that I will not do good then – it’s like this polarity-based confidence, if I lose point, I have to gain it to recover it, like in a computer game. And of course it’s not that I want to be this way, it’s just at the moment who I am existing as.
Sometimes it’s enough to see a pattern to not fall under it’s spell again, sometimes I have to slow down and re-write, re-define in real time action the movement to re-train myself. And also can happen that I have to actively investigate, question and answer myself, write, break it down to multiple sessions, dig further, walk through points and understanding, structuring, planning and re-defining words, relationships and starting points.

I learn music because it’s very cool, but also it’s a form of applied self-expansion.

So much we can learn about ourselves, the mind, the human nature within literally anything – learning music, driving car, doing sports, cooking – if we put the awareness and self-honesty into practical application with the discipline for self-correction.

For instance, there is a lot of automatic behavior within me what work similarly – I apply the pattern automatically and sometimes immediately seeing that this was not the best approach.

For instance I saw a lady who I liked – when she was approaching, I wanted to express that I am kind of perceiving her as cool, yet when I was talking, sounded like I am applying stupid pickup lines. Not that I wanted that – but in a way I got into this strange vibe and felt a bit uncertain, maybe awkward, and from that this just came and I was mildly annoyed by my automatic behavior. In a way usually I trust my automatic self – not that I trust myself being robot – automatic: let’s say trusting myself in the moment, spontaneity.

But when there are patterns, issues from past, old scars, not self-forgiven aspects of judgements, worries – it can be automatically triggered and can slightly alter the mood of my mind, the attitude, this ‘self-trusting automatic presence-spontaenity’ – and all of a sudden – I do stuff I do not like.

Then it’s important not to judge myself, that ‘bad dog, stupid feckin pendejo’ – but to see what was going on within in the moment – because it’s not magic – there is always a story behind these mind-slips – what has to be brought in front of me, with empty mind – to see facts, cause and effect and make a responsible decision on how to proceed from now on.

I used to develop convictions and belief systems to overcome my impusive self-doubt – and it is unpredictable and does not support consistent stability, neither actual confidence without compromising effectiveness or real integrity.

So I had to break down what was going on within me when I was saying things I did not want – and turned out to be a gift to realize that I was experiencing desire, inferiority and hope, giving up and self-sabotage at the same time and that was exactly what I sounded like.

So next time this happens – I will be more aware of this tendency from the past and I can slow down, recognize the pattern and make a difference.

But for that I really needed to stop for a moment to really investigate, not punish myself.

These are little moments in life wherein one can live self-honesty and accumulate towards what is best for all – which includes self in a practical approach.

For that writing is essential – so everyone, anyone reading this – if there is resistance to write – it’s a clear sign that the excuse and justification, resistance and in a way giving up is on the dominant side at the moment and just for the sake of self-challenge – it is worth to write to see what’s going on.

Of course – it’s also supportive to dance, to carve an ice statue or lift heavy metal in the gym for hours to have a moment with self – but the most practical and direct way is through words – so if there is no effective and direct change – one has to question – am I really willing to and investing into betterment or not and if not – why am I accepting myself like this?

Many simply are confident that their thinking is so crystal clear, they do not need to write, they just can think themselves out from any uncertain or doubtful, troubled or problematic state – but the fact is that thinking outside of the box is still thinking – just in a bigger box.

Real change is not thinking, one can be the biggest thin king in the mind, it is still just in the head and if there is ANYTHING biased by ANY belief, fear or conviction – that thinking will be waaaaaay far from reality, facts and ‘actual truth’, thus it will not really help, even when it feels like.

We all can find or observe people who are totally crazy in the news, in public, family etc – and its so obvious for us that they got it all wrong – yet they can’t see, because they did not yet give the time and effort to slow down and investigate themselves, cross-reference their perception with facts and make the self-honest responsible action to re-align and change attitude, behavior and starting point. So that also can happen with anyone – and arises the question – am I not realizing something obvious? Do I want to? Why don’t I?

Many seem like their life is of an organic robot – day by day going on the same train ride what seems like normal and as who we are – but there are moments for slowing down and question – to letting go the indulgence to consistent self-stimulation and hunt for positive can result to breaking through into a wider perspective of creativity, freedom and responsibility what then obviously will be worthy.

I do work for big corporation (again) and often people seem so ingrained and accepting there that they do not realize their criticism is not real anymore but it’s a normally accepted moody dissatisfaction and giving up in the fear from imagined worse – and it’s always great to do the leap of faith if it’s common sense – to ask for or just do and be the change – starting with self-introspection and questioning, challenging, decomposing, forgiving and re-defining ourselves, word by word. Especially rewarding when we do not realize what’s common sense to go to a journey and find out. Just like this blog and it’s writer aims towards – write yourself to freedom!

There is always support, with the internet, it’s just one chat away, it’s okay to ask.

So that’s it about this spontaneous writing for today, enjoy breath and take care.

(featured picture is from an amazing forest in Kismaros, Hungary, 2014)


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