Continuing from my last post. Based on that loss experience, I felt as I am losing the opportunity of this transparent open communication and I got attached to that, because my definition of it was not of and for self primarily, or even if it was, also was conditioned to a partner. That was a mistake. Well, lesson learned.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get attached to the judgement and idea of possibility within a relationship and focusing to potentials, desires and hopes instead of seeing and feeling, experiencing and living here what is real – and within that creating inner friction, comparison, conflict and emotional energetic reactions, which then distracts me even further from my responsibility, which is stability, consistency, application of self-honest change, re-alignment and expansion.
- I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be blunt, direct and honest with myself within situations wherein there is a possibility that I make mistake, I bet on something what might not end up perfectly as it could and within those situations judge myself, become angry with myself for the decisions and actions I took – or the actions I did not take but I feel like I should have – and thus creating distrust, doubt and instability within myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding the actual and exact judgement wherein I was not making decision with practical common sense, consideration of what’s practical and for that judging myself, and also for not being directive enough for falling into automatic reactions in regarding to that experience I define as ‘fall’ or ‘mistake’.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself with the word ‘mistake’ and by that experiencing energetic reaction, like a shock in my mind as I did something bad, what then accumulates and defining my confidence, stance and integrity as less firm and reliable – instead of letting go the self-judgement and defining mistake as bad, rather to see how can I support myself to see mistake as opportunity to improve without reaction, without fear, without judgement.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have defined myself to be the same every day, automatically, without realizing, and more importantly, not being specifically sure why – and not question myself of what I do and why on regular basis, within that to not realize that I can re-align every day, every moment with what I see practical, self-honest without any external condition or inner experience by simply directing myself one breath at a time with clarity and self-trust.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in general, to not trust my own relationship with myself and wanting to boost it with relationship with other, others and within that defining and developing a need, a yearn, a desire as a hole within me setting up for a journey to fulfill and accomplish and within that general starting point becoming dependent and less directive within myself because of the conditioning I believe I have to remain faithful with in my mind as ideas of what I must do or act in order to have partner, get what I want and not realizing that this is because I do not admit who I am, do not want to be honest with myself of what I really want and how and why and within that fearing from judging myself and thus keep chasing ideas and experiences instead of arriving here on earth with practical common sense.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that I accept myself to slip back to define who I am and live according to memories, my experiences to memories and contributing my life to become a tribute to the re-creations of several experiences wherein I feel good, stable and warm within and not realizing that it is an experience what I create based on the avoidance of my responsibilities within self-honesty – and thus the warmth I create is the relief from the defined difficulty from facing reality and not realizing the opportunity to solve my problems even if feeling more tough or uncomfortable.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define uncomfortability to be desired to be avoidable and within that resisting things, experiences, people, conversations, actions what are resulting in this experience without questioning why and what is the reason for that uncomfortable experience.
- I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to slow down within to see that the physical uncomfortability I experience at challenging moments is coming from the mind-based experience of uncomfortability and I have to decompose that, prevent it to be triggered MEANWHILE the already programmed physical is going to remain uncomfortable for a while until total and consistent change in relation to resisting uncomfortable situations, meaning to understand what is the difficult here: to admit what I fear within when approaching relationship, what I do not admit to fear to lose and what I fear from to be exposed to as several experiences from my past I still hold onto to define who I am based on what I want to avoid at all costs, such as trusting someone and the person decides to leave, thus not to give that trust and when doing so, still worrying to be left without realizing it.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that although in my conscious and logical mind I know that I should establish trust with myself and expand that with other and not to define my self-trust and stability according to other, however trough accumulation of emotional bond defining it as valuable, developing hope for it to be permanent and within that also developing the attachment and fear of loss without admitting it.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that the common sense is to communicate with myself every day to see what I am accepting and allowing, accumulating, was any experience resembling to worry, attachment and then to deal with it, forgiving myself for doing so, with the understanding it’s trigger points, so then next time when would occur, recognizing it and assisting myself to slow down and breathe through and focus to practical change.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized the potential to walk through my past, so then I can start living without fear and not realizing that it means not only to say letting go the past, not just trying not to think of it but to directly ask and answer to myself how I am still holding onto it and to plan, structure and achieve the letting go of it in a practical, measurable way.
- I forgive myself that I have not allowed to realize that to fall in love although seemed to be beyond me, and when occurred to me did not realize that it was due to the fact that I was hoping for things and when those things happened, looked like my hope was fulfilled, so it was automatic in a way, and as it was not self-directed, but was built by emotional accumulation, that energetic charge had to be burned down when the relationship was no more and within that I was able to see the mirage I’ve built within my mind and the difficulty to let it go, because I got attached to it, exactly not to the person triggering it, but the very relationship within my own mind.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only real and true love I can create is with context- and reality-aware accumulation of actions as responsible – towards myself and others and if any energy is being created in my mind, what can lift me up or down in mood, is a sign that I am not experiencing reality, but through the polarity-based judgement in my mind, created by myself, through re-creating my memories.
- When and as I am frustrated, experiencing any mood, I recognize that I have defined ways to deal with it, such as entertainment, desire for sex, wanting to leave being sober, get into a trance state – it is the moment I can take ownership of my life by declaring this to be the moment of responsibility and stand up and ask and answer to myself what is the actual problem I am facing but not directly, I am trying to distract myself from and to give the recognition of the realization that uncomfortability and resistance is a great support here to show where I am needed to focus to to solve my problems, self-dishonesty in reality.
So this is relevant, for instance after a busy week, when I did not deal with the judgments, experiences during the week, I can accumulate some tendency to ‘step out’, for instance just indulge to self-pleasing and entertainment during the weekend to ‘let go the tension’ and ‘charge up myself’ – and within that not recognizing that I accept reactions, not admitting what is the source of my uncomfortability, not focusing to physical body awareness for the signs of anxiety, but to fall into experience-dependency to define who I am and how I want to be stimulated.
That’s why it’s relevant to write at the end of the day – regardless of tiredness, even one or two sentences can save from the oblivion and re-align myself with the practical support.
All the loss I experienced in regarding to relationships is also just an experience – and how I defined myself according to these experiences – and how I used, in a way still might – try to use relationships to hide from myself. That is a cool approach to continue towards – in the next post, thanks for reading!
All the uncomfortable things you can list up – worth it, because often becomes resistance and then becomes behavior and you just accept automatic reactions towards uncomfortable things and you just end up deluding yourself and the world – using the mind not as an awesome tool to solve problems but to shield oneself from them.
It might be that generations after generations people tried to resist and escape the uncomfortable facts of the consequences of our actions but reality is always here to show what it is we are accepting to accumulate – it can become overwhelming to ‘wake up’ from the shield of our mind-delusions – even frightening but that’s why the Desteni I Process online course is setup with experienced buddy, great lessons and exercises to slowly but surely becoming able to be the responsible with common sense without losing our mind.
So many examples when it’s obvious about people who blame others for their own issues, such as racists, fascists, rapists – many get so obsessed that they actually hurt and kill within this mind-possession – and they all got there one thought and emotion at a time.
Not saying if you do not deal with your emotions and judgments, you definitely end up being a nazi – lolol – but if we care to investigate their mindset – the resemblance is obvious – they just could not accept and deal with something uncomfortable within thus programmed their mind to change their perception, becoming deluded and abusive.
In this term – who am I to judge others for what I might contribute to as well – of course there are ‘levels’, one might say – when it’s only self-harm, it’s fine – but what society is where we accept others to delude and harm themselves, maybe because we are so busy with deluding ourselves in the first place.
Thus to support the world – always has to start with supporting myself – take your time, effort – it’s not selfish to deal with your mind, it’s common sense.